Ep 88: Bill Burr & Root Beer Floats
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Hey, folks. We might be drunk. Good to be here. Sorry, what were you saying? Oh, we're just talking Tarantino. There's a video with a woman. She's like, why the violence? Why the violence? Because I love it. It's great. And it sells tickets, you cunt. Leave us alone.

Who cares about... We're coming out hard, I guess, this episode. I just hate these guys. You know what's funny? They're going at Tarantino the way they go at hockey. Why the fighting? Why the fighting? Like, if you get it out, that person complaining about it is going to watch it. It's the same thing. It's just like, if you're saying why the violence to that guy, you're not seeing any of his movies anymore.

Then when he takes it out, he'll just be like, it was sort of bland. Nah. Not a good effort, you know? Exactly. But now we just cater to all them, the queefs, and now everything sucks. Yeah, we talk about Tarantino a ton on this because I love Jackie Brown. That's one of my favorite movies of his because it's got heart, too. He makes different types of movies, too. That's the thing. It's like they try to label him in a box, but it's like...

Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs, and like Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, they're so different. Yeah. I know. That's my favorite of his. Once Upon a Time? Yeah. I just... Dude, I saw it like three times. And the last time I saw it, I saw it in his theater. And he literally had like the Rick Dalton, like the Leonardo's character. He had like the posters. It was a total immersive experience. Like those movies really happened. Yeah. It was so awesome. And no, I just thought it was like...

Leonardo DiCaprio's performance when he's like... He's in the scene and he's got nothing. He's trying to do all these things. He did that so well. And then he had that little speech impediment. Every time I watched it, I saw...

It had one of my favorite cars of all time. I think it was a 67 Cadillac Eldorado. I fucking love that car. And then I also like how, you know, there's always was this mystique of the Manson family and he just reduced them to a bunch of lazy fucks who didn't want to get a job. Right. And I also, I think I noticed this on the third one. I don't know if this is true, but I think nobody says hippie without saying fucking in front of it.

It's always fucking hippie. Interesting. Good catch. It's the big thing of Margarita. Bunch of fucking hippies. Yeah. The scene where he's in the trailer and he drank too much and he fucked up a line and he's like, God damn it. What are you doing? I've been there so many times in like a La Quinta Inn on the road. Like, why did you say that? You fucking idiot. You got to stop drinking. You got to write more. Yeah.

That really hit home for me. Oh, the self-hatred. Yes. The self-hatred of that. And he was going, do, do, do, do, like making fun of his speech impediment. You just saw the whole thing. It was, you know, Cadillac. And Pitt is just so mysterious and cool in it. Like, he's just a cool dude. Oh, Pitt. Yeah, he was awesome when he fought for his life. I love when he opens that beer and he's got the mask and like the foam shoots up on his face a little bit. He didn't care. He's just sitting there with that...

Oh yeah. And they kind of leave it open. So good. I think he killed his wife. I don't know. I got to go back and see Jackie Brown. I have not seen that since I saw it.

In the theaters. And I liked it in the theaters. It's just something, you know, being in this business, you know, it's just so crazy. Like, you're like, I got to watch that again. And then all of a sudden, 25 fucking years goes by. So, I got to see that again. That's a great one. The detail. But also, who would pick? Is it Robert Forrester? Yeah. Yeah. Who would pick that guy? Then to bring Pam Grier back. I mean, the guy does what he wants. Yeah.

Got great ideas. Lawrence Tierney and Reservoir Dogs. Come on. So, you like to tell jokes. I don't tip. Dude, Samuel L. Jackson's funny as shit in Jackie Brown. It's just a great movie. Yeah. Is he your favorite director, you think? Oh, my God. I'm not so good. Jesus. What do you got here, beer Jew? Today, we got Root Beer Floats. Oh, my God. I heard you liked them.

Yeah, I do, but I'm 54, so... What do you get, one a month, maybe? I have like...

Thank you. I have more commitments. I feel like if I consume that, I'm going to need a nap. But I was also taught not to waste things. You got that right. Let's talk about the state of comedy while drinking a root beer float. Is that nutmeg on top? We're some of the edgier comics out here, people. Eating cotton candy. That's a little chocolate powder on top. You guys have boozy root beer floats. Oh.

Nothing says summer like a little bourbon in your root beer float. It's fucking delicious. That is good, Jesus. It is delicious. I haven't had one of these in 12 years, I'm going to say. Yeah. Not since that diner in Atlantic City. How often are you on the road, Bill? Huh? Right now. You know what? I'm on the road and I don't care right now because I have a root beer float.

This is all I got left. Hold on. I'm going to light one of these puppies while we're here. I always say that to younger people. Like, save up some fun days. Don't blow out your liver. You want to be that person that paces himself so you can booze your whole life. So, you know, if you want to occasionally, you know, I think you need to be a little more introspective about your habits. Sorry. Sorry.

I'm kind of moderate. Come on. You've been there, right? When they sit there and they talk about what's an alcoholic. What are you getting? Like, really? The bar is that low? When I see like four drinks a week, I'm like, now you're just being an asshole. That's not fair. Yeah. How about the doctor? How many drinks do you have? And you tell him and he's like, oh, I lied. Yeah. All these new studies that say like there's no benefits to being under 40 and drinking. There's none. Yeah.

You got that right. Over 40, I guess there's some, but I don't know. I heard once, I like it so much that I don't abuse it. And I think that rings true, even though I do abuse it. Yeah, no, I did too. I did. I had a good time, though. I got my stories. I'm like that old retired guy with the Hall of Fame jacket. You know, just sitting there, let me tell you, back in the 80s. I don't know if you know this, but there's a video on YouTube of you

Calling DeRosa hammered at like 5 in the morning in Florida because he didn't go out and you went out and you're like shaming him for taking it easy that night. Did he post it? No, somebody found it. Somebody posted it. We must have played it on the radio show.

Maybe, but you're hammered. But you didn't say anything bad or anything. It's not incriminating. I was a happy drunk. Yeah, yeah, same. I was probably singing. I used to like to sing. Won't you come out, Jota Rosa? Won't you come out? I think that's in there. Something. That was a big hit for me back in the 2000s. When you're a good drunk, it's hard to quit, you know?

Well, there's business too. That's why I don't start back up. Because I was more of a habit guy. But it's like anything. It's like these fucking things. I'll quit them and then I'm good. And then I have one on a podcast. And then I abandon my family. So I'm going to put that on you guys. Well, I think hungover with toddlers is pretty rough. I don't think that's doable. So maybe when I have a little rug rat, I'll cool it with the sauce. You know something too?

is being downstairs hammered and there's like the most innocent thing ever upstairs depending on you. Yeah. And you're like, if somebody came through the door right now, I'd run at them and just go down like that. I couldn't drive them to the hospital, so...

That ate at me. That's tough. Yeah. So I basically, the first year she was born, I just was like, I'm going to take a break. And then I kept doing it. And it's good. But these things here, I got to watch out because, you know, kids just pick up on stuff. I go, you should never smoke. And they're like, yeah, you only do that when you're an adult. I'm like, fuck. Got to undo that. Got to undo that. So, yeah.

But, you know, whatever. Enough about my failures as a father. No, no. Hey, my dad was a pretty big boozer. Really? He would drink Schlitz. A comedian? Schlitz. I think he had a great one. Schlitz. He always said he was proud of you and asked you how your day was. Still waiting. Still waiting. But. Schlitz, that's an ugly drunk. Schlitz, it was cheap and he would drink them hot and he would just leave the case on the floor and just take one out. To be extra angry. Yeah. It wasn't pretty. And he was always in boxers.

I remember. And when you would drive, you'd go hand up. Oh, yeah. My dad was a briefs guy. Oh. Oh, yeah. What are you? Boxes. He spent boxes forever. But everybody was briefs. Some boxes came in in like the 90s. But up until then, everybody was briefs. You just walked around. Everybody briefed.

Yeah, you just... And they were white, too. Yeah, they were white. It was just, this is it. This is what I'm bringing to the party. Yeah. That was a commercial in the 90s, Boxers or Briefs with Jordan. What about the Boxer Briefs? They do the combo. That's what I do. That's what I do. You got to mix. Oh, that's what I have. You got the Boxer Brief. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That came in later because that was like a big thing when the Boxer Brief came in. It was like, hey, best of both worlds.

Yeah, I don't know. That's another thing. It's funny how there's just lies and everything. You don't know what to believe. It's just like, what's better? Boxers are bad because your balls are hanging down. The other ones, they heat up your balls and your sperm count goes down. It's like the egg. Is it good or is it bad? Wait, what? What's wrong with the egg? I don't know. The egg has been good, bad, and good.

In my life, and I think it's going bad. It's like Hulk Hogan. He's going bad again. Yeah, he was the king, and then he had like a sex tape or N-word. Did you see that video of the guy Bubba the Love Sponge where he was like, I told my wife to fuck him, and then the video got out. It was like a whole thing. I think he sued Gawker over that and won, by the way. Yeah, he won like $150 million or something. Oh, I thought that was the other one. Yeah. When the wrestler drops the N-word in his promo. Oh.

Oh, that is so good. This Saturday night, Hulk Hogan, we're coming for you. And wait a second. He goes, oh, like that. And I just thought, it was so like. He was so in it. He just forgot where he was. And I just loved how immediately he was like, oh, God damn it. I said that in front of white people. Yeah. He turned down the George Foreman grill. That was brought to Hulk Hogan before. Oh, Hogan. Oh, he did? Yeah. Oh, is this it?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that Roy Wood in the back? He says, sucker. He says, this is all old school. Oh, yeah, this guy rules. He committed. Oh, Sally. Crushing it while getting the pecs going. I know. I don't think there was a ton of black guys in wrestling either. Nah. Head and hands.

Head and hands. And then he turns around and he's like, he's back in. All right, fuck it. That didn't happen, but I just got to. Damn, no take. We can't take that again, huh? That was just one take. There's some great ones where they do outtakes where Mean Gene is laughing when someone will say something. And then it oddly sounds like a gay sex act. And he just starts cracking up. I don't know. Yeah, I watch a bunch of that shit. Mean Gene was incredible.

That dude just knew how to... You need a straight man. Yeah. I got to tell you, people from Goodfellas and wrestlers dying is the saddest thing about growing old. It's just like your favorite movie. We got Pauly Walnuts on the wall here. We love him. He went, Ray Liotta went, and Paul Sorvino. Yeah. I'm such an... I didn't know that was Maria Sorvino. Did you read that thing where he was talking about how he was going to try to back out of the movie because he only played nice guys and he didn't think that he could do...

you know sort of that that ominous thing that he did and then one day he just kind of put the coat on and he said he was thinking about the character and he sort of looked up in the mirror and he like scared himself and he's like alright I got this guy. Is it Leota? No Paul Sorvino so because Paul has a he has a couple of like I love that moment where he goes what do you want me to do whack him and the guy hey I don't think that'd be a bad idea and he just kind of he just gives him this fucking look and he's like I didn't mean any disrespect it's just like oh my god this guy's gonna end up in a dumpster just this look that he gave him

And then also like I love when he's like with the onions, when he's kind of like he's kind of looking down his nose. The garlic. Oh, my God. Yeah. It's just like I feel like the Food Network should show that scene before every. It just makes you want to eat a great meal. Of course. I can't cut garlic without thinking about that. It's just burning in my brain. That and Cutty Sark.

It's just what I like. I just like how much Italians give a shit. Just coming up German, Irish, where they just threw shit in a pot. It's just like airport level, go fuck yourself. But these guys, look at that face. It's an art. Even in prison. Beginning of the pandemic, I made pasta like every night just because you bulk it out. And I cannot think of the scene. Every time. I mean, how genius is that? So it liquefies in the pan. How good is that?

Yeah, my mom has a food podcast. Shout out. And she's like, what do you want to talk about? I talked about that scene. And she's like a big, you know, Italian mook. And she had never seen that. So it blew her mind. She's like, I thought this was like a bloody gangster movie. I'm like, no, it's Scorsese. There's attention to detail.

Yeah, no. And that's also, too, what's amazing about that movie is there's so many little vignettes and little stories within the whole thing that all of those script writing classes, everything that he did, it makes no sense. And then you watch it, and it's just amazing. I know. The scene at the dinner with the mom, the hoof.

That scene's amazing with the guy. One guy go this way, one guy that way. That scene's amazing. That's like a little movie in itself. The scene with the wives where they all have herpes. That's a great moment. There's a million of them. And everything looked like it was thrown together.

The scene where he wakes up and she's on top of him with the gun. I mean, there's so many memorable images. Oh, yeah. Fucking De Niro turning the, you know, Clapton plan. I mean, it's... How about Ray Liotta? How early that was in his career and he got thrown in with those guys and he totally hung with them and they were like improv and all of that. Yeah. I love Ray Liotta, man. I watched Something Wild recently again the other day. That's a great Liotta flick. You know, I never saw... I gotta see that. Great flick. He steals it. I mean, he's incredible. He's so scary in it, man.

I got to work with him one time. What? Really? Yeah, he was cool as hell. Whoa. I remember I came in the makeup trailer and he was just sitting there. And he was in like a suit, you know, and I was just like, I didn't say anything. I was just like, wow. And then, you know, we did the scene and everything. And then he just, he was really just really like a warm guy. You know, you wouldn't think, you know, just because of the characters he played, but really like nice guy.

And we had a couple scenes together. But there was like a big amount of time in them, between them. We shot the first one in L.A. And then there was like a month or five weeks. And we shot the rest in New York, out in like Queens or whatever. And on top of that, that silver cup, we shot a scene on the roof of that thing. Oh, yeah. Out in Queens. And he came out and –

I remember because he called my character Skippy. He was giving me shit, you know, because I had the whole Ron Howard look. And he was just like, sorry. He goes, hey, what's up, Skippy? You know, fucking with me. I just started laughing. And he was like all amped up, you know, to do the scene and everything. He was just really, really fun. Just a fun guy, man. It's a fucking shame. I wonder if actors that big and that iconic get annoyed with guys who kind of blow them and look up to them and get excited. Are they like, all right, act like you've been there or you think they're flattered? Yeah.

I think it all depends on the person. I just keep my mouth shut and I just always treat it like if this guy wants to talk to me, he will. And then I think usually when you're just sort of quiet and you're just doing your job and they think you're doing all right, then eventually they get, okay, this guy's a pro. He's not going to ask for a fucking picture. I remember when we did that scene, when that scene was over, there was some extra in it

And the scene ended and it was downstairs at the bar and he was like walking up the stairs and this extra was like right on his hip the whole way up talking about this script that he had. And Ray was being nice and everything. And like now looking back, I'm like, they should have had somebody to be like, hey, hey, hey. Yeah, yeah. Get a handler. This isn't how this works. You know, he's like, this is my shot. He pulls it out of his...

Sweaty back. Did you hear that Orny Adams story where when Seinfeld was shooting Comedian, the documentary, they were going around to local guys and going, what do you think of Jerry? And he goes, I think he's a lot of touch. I think he's kind of losing it. His fastball's gone. And Jerry saw that and goes, put him in the movie. He's got the balls. And then he made a movie making him look like shit. Well, you know, there's... That was a twist. I know, but then there's talk of like, did he do that to fuck him over ultimately? Or, you know, but it's all hearsay.

But I thought that was interesting. He's like, he's got balls to be honest, put them in. Yeah. And that becomes a good part of the movie. Then also like that got me like amped up. If somebody said that about me, I'd be like, all right, I'm going to, I, you know, you wouldn't be, you wouldn't be hurt out of touch. No, harsh.

No. You just got to go, you know, take it and just be like, all right, this might be the kind of day he had, but it might be maybe I am. Well, I hate to tell you, Bill, you're a little out of touch. That's why I'm down here with you young guys. I'm trying to hang on to the younger audience. That's some great advice from Bill about go to the club, see the young guys, and, you know, you got to stay relevant. Always, always. The young guys keep you young. If you just fucking...

you know, make it and start selling tickets and you stop doing the clubs, what ends up happening is you grow old with your audience and you guys just all end up in some sad casino in the middle of nowhere when you're in your 80s. Yeah. I've seen those shows. I've gone to those shows, both singers and, and,

comedians and I still go out because I love the older guys and all that and but I you know you see the ones that are still having fun and you see the ones clearly feeling like you know I used to be able to pack a place twice the size feel that vibe and it's just like all right you're making us all feel like losers for being here and then yeah one of the best shows I saw I saw Tony Orlando Wow no don't tie tie a yellow ribbon and knock three times and

open for Don Rickles. Wow. Dude, they both... How long ago was this? Oh my God. I was still drinking. I heckled Don Rickles. What? Shut up. Well, because I knew I wasn't going to meet him. I had to have an interaction. I was a little drunk. I waited till his encore. He was on there. I just kept going, Donnie! And then he'd do a few more jokes.

And then I go, Donnie! And then he just kind of looked out basically where I was sitting. He goes, yeah, I know my name. It's like, yes! Interaction! I'll take it. Wow. Oh, dude. Are there any young guys you like now? Well, not these two. Yeah, no, there's a whole bunch of people. As far as their crew, these two and Joe List...

love all of those guys uh Bianca Cristobal who did um um Stephen Colbert last night yeah she got the big you know the whole uh you know the first time you do a late night spot I mean that's fucking nerve-wracking huge and those don't mean I know they don't do what they used to do but they still mean a lot to me but it's still nerve-wracking because if you kill no one's gonna see it but if you eat it like everybody's gonna see it epic fail on Stephen Colbert or on Kimmel or whatever so um

We all know which one you're talking about on Kimmel, by the way. Yeah. What? Did I bomb on that? No, no. But there was one that really made the rounds on Kimmel. Oh, I wasn't talking about that. Oh, okay. I don't watch it and I don't want to see anybody. No, I didn't want to watch it. I don't like watching that shit. That makes me... I put it on loop. Really? No. I can't watch that shit. It's harsh. I could never watch any of my friends on late night TV. I just couldn't. But there was one...

There was this one that we used to do, Last Call with Carson Daly. That's a tough one. That was a tough one. Really? Yeah. Well, Carson was great, but the crowd, they would just get this crazy mix of people from Times Square, some who didn't even speak English, and you just went up there and basically bombed. I remember Tom Papa telling me, he goes, I used to like watching that show when my friends were on, and just call them up and just start laughing. But...

It wasn't like malicious from Tom because he knew he was going to go on and he was going to eat it too. But it was like the band would always be laughing. Carson would always be laughing. And then you'd be like, how was that? And Carson would be like, it was great. It was great. But then even if you were killing, there was only like 11 people there. I remember what Russ Meneve said on there where the jokes were killer and he was just getting nothing. Really? Yeah. By the way, Russ Meneve, one of my all-time favorite jokes where he says, I have bad luck with women. My last four pregnant girlfriends died in sailing accidents. Oh!

That's a great joke. That's amazing. He had some killer jokes. But yeah, that set, I remember watching those sets and being like, this looks like a hell gig. And it's televised. I would have thought that because it's loose. It's like almost like a 60s show. Oh, there was one worse than that. They had this one called Friday Night Videos that I did back in the day with Patrice. And it was basically the crowd was whoever didn't leave the Tonight Show.

Whoever they could convince to stay. So it was like going to like a Royals game where there was all these empty seats and shit. And then they would throw like a drop cloth over Jay's desk and then they would hang this thing that said Friday night videos. And oh my God. Oh my God. Did we bomb on that? Yikes. I did it with Patrice. Patrice went out and they go...

And he knew. He knew he wasn't going to do well, so he just sabotaged his set. Remember they said, don't curse? And he came out. I remember a big, stupid Patrice just comes out. He goes, ah!

shit i was so mad i was like ah why didn't i do that they're gonna show mine then they never aired his i was joking he had his back to the audience doing half his act i said you fucking went like miles davis mode well he was such a he had that move where like if he's gonna bomb he's gonna fuck you too you know he'll make you feel bad also i'm not just gonna be the one feeling dumb you

You're going to suffer, too. I'm putting my back to you and cursing. Yeah, he was a quitter. He saw it and he just said, I'm not doing it. My dumb ass was just like, I'm going to make it happen. Yeah, that's how I was. By the way, Kimmel. Shout out to Kimmel. He discovered Carson Daly, Adam Carolla, and...

What's the guy, the sports guy? Bill Simmons. Did he? That's all Kimmel. Really? Fun fact. Quite a coaching tree. Oh, Jesus. Oh, God. There you go. There's one at every party. Right here. You got to reach with those long arms there.

Yeah, never did Kimmel. I heard it was the worst stand-up. Kimmel? Yeah, because they would take everybody to another room, and then you perform. So everybody's like, what the fuck? I remember Geraldo said on there that was like great jokes and just nothing. Really? They gave you nothing. I never saw that one. Yeah. And now they do it, I think, in his comedy club in Vegas. So you're not even on set.

God. You're in Vegas. I would rather do it that way. In Vegas? Yeah. Yeah, at a club, for sure. In Vegas? Well, it's a club. Yeah, because then you don't even feel like you're doing the show. It's just, I would rather do it that way. He's probably helping you out.

As opposed to just going out there with those people, you know, just got off the fucking Pirates of the Caribbean ride. And then you go up there with your fucking Hitler joke and they're just like... And all you ever hear is the band laughing. And you want to be like, the band is laughing. Okay, this is doing... I'm doing well here. Yeah, it's funny how nervous those crowds are. I did a thing on Fallon like two weeks ago and I threw out a joke and I remember thinking like, this is gonna hit. And it got...

And it's the worst feeling because you're like, that is on tape and now Fallon hates me. My favorite one to ever watch was Andy Kindler. I saw him on this short-lived talk show. I still remember the joke. This was before I even did stand-up and I was watching that guy. Me and my brothers were all just dying laughing. And he said, this is the joke he did in front of a bunch of tourists. He goes, you know, whenever Barbara Walters interviews people,

Robin Williams. She always says, I guess I was watching it and she goes, Robin, we are always funny.

And Robin said, yes. And I wanted to be like, really? Well, what happened? And he goes, Jumanji. Right? And they just started staring at him. And at one point during the set, he goes, I choose to plow ahead rather than looking at the burning wreckage of the last joke. And nobody, first thing that he came out, he shit on the whole place saying the ceiling was too high. Like he was playing some hell room and he was like on TV. And I just never seen anybody

Anybody do that? And his jokes were amazing. Damn. Yeah, it was just one of those things. Yeah, yeah. I always, you know, you hear about those stories of him going to the comedy store and just leveling. Like they said, the roof would come off. It was energy in the room. And then you heard, ah, he stole half of it.

Oh, I thought you were talking about Kimmel. Robin Williams. Oh, sorry, Robin Williams. Yeah, Jesus Christ. Sorry, I was thinking about Robin. I wish you trash and Kimmel. That's a dangerous podcast. I'm losing gigs right and left over here. I'm a fan. I like Kimmel. I talk about how he discovered people. Yeah, yeah. Robin Williams, man. That's like, did you know him at all or no? No, I did improv with him one time. Really? What? What is that? Yeah, it was just one of those moments. I was in UCB.

uh the like the original one out in la that that first one before they had the second one uh franklin yeah the one of franklin and i went down there and jeff garland had a show and he would do this thing where he'd give away some stuff from his house he'd do a little stand-up and bring people out normal comedy show and in the end he had this improv game called the combo platter where three people would sit in a chair somebody started a story and then you'd go tag and you just went up there it was fun and uh we were there and robin showed up

And in the end, he played. And I remember I was sitting like right here and he was like, he was sitting, it was funny, like three, four inches away from me, but his arm hair was still touching my arm. I was like, I remember all those jokes that he did on Live Aid about how hairy he was. I was like, that is iconic arm hair. Needless to say, I sucked in the improv game because I was like...

Going like... That was, you know, one of many of those moments where you just like... You feel like you get like sucked into your TV. Like I've watched this guy for a decade. Wow. Probably longer at that point. It was in... I don't even know when it was. 2000s? Damn. Something like that. Yeah, it was... It was somebody. He was a super nice guy. Just really...

really like just regular you wouldn't know that he did all of the stuff that he did he just really just seemed like just still the same guy he's a comic so yeah i just watched that episode of louis that he was on oh it's such a great app where they they're just at the funeral for that they're the only two people there it was i mean he yeah he was so he was so good man he was great on gary uh larry sanders show a long time ago he came on as a he just came on as a guest and he got into it with larry

And I just remember they went to commercially and Larry was giving him shit about trashing him or something. He goes, whatever. He goes, it's a business. Blow me. Just the way he said it. You know, you're really thinking like, wow, like, I guess on talk shows, like the host doesn't always like the guest. It was sort of the first sort of.

peek into that because you know when you're at home watching it you just think like oh these guys are on TV and they just must hang out and drink and there's groupies and you know back like the whole you know uh um Anchorman vibe right the whole time I was growing up like that that's why that that movie had hit so hard with me was it was just like that's yeah that's the way like the news was like dude local news like the fucking names

There was a guy, a newscaster in Boston named Tony Pepper. That's like a shortstop name. Tony Pepper. Yeah, he was the shit. Chet Curtis.

Jack Williams. They had all of those names and there was always like these hot women there and one of them would end up marrying or banging one of them. Right. Yeah, there is. Tony Pepper. Look at that guy. He's like a playboy. Tony Pepper. He absolutely was. Wow. Tony Pepper, I'm sure, did very well. They had swagger. In the greater Boston area. Yeah. It was Jack Williams. He had Wednesday's Child. He was helping the kids. Nah. Bob Lobel would come in. Oh.

And he would do the local sports. Bob Neumeier. I remember all of those guys. Dick Albert did the fucking weather. There was a guy on New York One and he had like such an ego. He used to hang at the cellar all the time. He was the film guy. Like he'd be like, I give this one three apples. That was his whole thing. How many apples? And he would just hang at the cellar. I remember. Really? He was so cocky. He like, you thought everyone recognized him. I'm like, he got.

I recognize him. So he immediately was like, clearly everyone here knows me. But I'm like, no, I just watched New York one. I remember he like kind of walked over to Michael Che, like New York one. And Che was just like, yeah, I have Fios. I don't, I don't know who you are. It was like the cruelest shutdown. Cause he expected everyone to know him. Is that him?

No, it's not that dude. Oh, I was about to say. That's Whipple. That guy you recognize. I don't know Whipple. Who was the other guy? Gene something or other. Shallot? Gene Shallot. Oh my God. Back in the day, film critics were like stars. Celebrities. Two thumbs up. Look at that motherfucker. Look at that guy.

That guy could take your movie out and there's nothing you could do about it. That's like, what's that movie from the 50s, Sweet Smell of Success? That's back in the day when they're like, I'll destroy you in my column. And that meant something. Oh, yeah. Big time. Big time. The last time I remember like a...

I remember this guy, he, somewhere, somebody had opened a restaurant. I'm going to deliberately forget the name, opened a restaurant here in Times Square. And this guy wrote this review that was just all questions. And it was fucking hilarious. It was just like, uh, is there a reason the chicken is gray? Why does, you know, why does the menu look like a fucking, you know, DMV test, whatever the hell it was. But it was just like, it was the whole, it was like, this guy's experience sucked fucking

The whole... I can't remember. You don't need to be trashing these people. Come on. I don't like the names. We all take a hit. We all take a hit. Google me. There's plenty of people shitting on me. I never ate this, so, you know. But it was... This guy went like... Literally, the review went viral.

How do you do that to somebody, though? That's so cruel. Like, who's this guy? Maybe your food sucks. That's every TikTok now is just like raiding restaurants. Like, there's so many people that make a living just like starting, like, we're going to see the best places to eat.

There's just dudes in cars like 4.7. Yeah, there is a lot of that. That's someone's life. This burger is better than this burger. Shake, shake. That is someone's life you're fucking with. Dude, Dave Portnoy from Barstool Sports. He has influence. People want him to come to the pizza place and they don't. They're like, if this guy doesn't like our pizza, we are fucked. Oh, yeah.

But he's also- I gotta be honest. I literally like- He's helping. I watch his shit. I watch, like when I go to a certain area, I just, Dave Portnoy Pizza, I'll be like- There you go. Like New Haven or something, like the pizza capital of the world. What's his favorite one? There's some place out in Jersey, this brick oven one. Yep. That he said, this one's the best. So it's like, I gotta get to that one.

Because there's been a few that he went to that I loved. I'm like, here comes a big number. And he's still in the sevens. I'm like, fuck. Me too. I think it was Arturo's in the West Village. I fucking love that place. And he trashed it. I was like, this is a good fucking pizza place. But it's also good because if he trashes it, then you don't have to stand in a long line for that. True. And Eddie Perez is a good pro. Pull up

the video of him. I don't know if any press is good press. If he gives you a bad score. Tell that to Harvey. But pull up the video of him. He's doing a pizza shop on First Avenue. He ended up in Rikers. Yeah, it's Portnoy. And it's the funniest video because he can't even get to the pizza review because all these weirdos in New York keep fucking with him. And it's so, it feels like it's written. It's so, there's so much comedy in it on accident.

Now, a Portnoy video. It's a place on First Avenue. It started in Staten Island. They moved to a First Avenue location. I got to tell you something. The only thing better than a root beer float is the unexpected root beer float. Yeah! No idea that was going to happen. I feel like it's my birthday. I don't even taste the booze, by the way. Yeah. I'd like 20 more, but I'm not going to. I can't. No one wants to see a fat, bald ginger. I've learned that the hard way. Wait. I think you've got the bourbon one. Shit. Huh? I think you've got the one with bourbon in it on accident. No, that's not true.

we bill we talk about something you say if it's by accident we we talk about something you say i don't know if you said an interview or something we talk about in this pod all the time is that you talk about killing an obscurity yeah and those like weird cities like that was me and uh giraldo that's what we used to do because every place i was doing uh he was either was just there or was coming there the next week and um

you know, we were getting the same reviews from everybody that we were playing, you know, performing in the middle of nowhere. They were like, hey, we're the funniest guys, you know, that ever played here. And the first five, six times you hear that, you're like, all right, okay, things are going to happen. And then like eight years of your career goes by. It's like,

I still remember that time when I was at, you know, I'd done a third show and I was just sitting there. This is back when you could still smoke in the clubs and literally my eyes are burning. Everything about me just reeks of smoke like I just fought a fire. And I was just sitting there watching the waitstaff counting up the money and stuff. And, you know, I'd gone there for years and I kind of knew everybody. I was just looking at everyone was a little older. Everyone was a little fatter. And I was just all of a sudden I just got my head like, oh, my God, I'm the guy here.

I'm not going to make it. I was just like, I was going, I don't know how much longer I can do this. Right. And I forget what I, I had to do something the next day, but it was like terrifying. Like I went back to the comedy condo, just laying there going like, no, it's not going to happen. I just got to stay positive. Just keep writing jokes. And it's eventually you just keep doing a good job. I have to let you in somewhere. In a weird way that probably made you better though. Like,

I think if you think I'll never make it, it kind of lets you not give a fuck. And then you can get really loose and weird and try shit. Well, definitely you have to try to make it with what you want to do. Because then you won't have any regrets. Like, wow, this is what I do. This is how I do it. And people didn't respond. So, fuck it. But if you're actually trying to be what you think that they want or some bad advice you get from a manager in Asia. Oh, yeah. Did your managers say that? They said that to you? Like, be something else? Yeah.

Did I ever have that? No, I'm kind of blaming them. I think a lot of it was me. I would just look around and be like, all right, everybody's, you know, there was this weird, I always talk about this. It was this weird time in the business for about 18 months where comedians and agents both dressed the same at the Laugh Factory. And it was like these black polyester fucking like slacks with like a tucked in electric blue shirt.

button down like that was the fucking look and i was just like all right i have blue eyes this could bring out my eyes maybe this will be something that they like and it was just always like uh he wore that on letterman once i don't remember that was a long time ago but i was just i just remember i would always get the same thing he's funny he just has a weird look it's like i know redheads aren't the lead oh fuck yourself i know what you're saying so like there was yeah so it was kind of that uh

and then like I don't know somewhere I was just like alright this is this is not you know when you put on the monkey suit you still don't get the fucking pat on the head you're like alright I hate myself at a whole new level and I'm not doing this again so then that's where I started going up like just sort of being who I was and

Another 15 years went by and then here I am. Well, that's how it goes. But at least in our day, we can go kill and put it on YouTube. Back then, it was you were living and dying by that gatekeeper. Yeah. And I remember when...

Like your generation, you know, I don't know if it was yours. What generation is Bo Burnham? Is he before you? I think he's younger. He's like 30. He's younger than us. I feel like he popped way before us. Yeah, but I remember when he came out, like his first gig, he like totally sold out the Comedy Connection six shows and there was all these older comics going, oh, this is bullshit. He didn't play his dues or anything. And I'm just sitting there going like, yeah, but he didn't have to do like...

You know, this is kind of genius, right? And then now, like, you look at what he's doing. I mean, that guy's one of the, like, that. He's talented. Gerard Carmack, the way that was shot. Unreal. Oh, my God, I fucking loved that special. I really loved that special. The second one. And then Chris Rock saw it and goes, do tambourine.

Which is the ultimate compliment. Huh? What do you guys think about his quarantine special? I thought it was super impressive. Yeah, it was cool. No, it was great. Insanely hard. He edits it. He shoots it. He lights it. He writes it. It's anti-exit. He's like a triple-double guy in basketball. He does, like, everything. Yeah. And music. Yeah. He's got it all. Yeah. And he's 6'8". Yeah.

Yeah. And he's dreamy. He's got a full head of hair. Yeah, there's nothing stopping him. Oh, yeah. I remember some of you earlier, like the bits that I was like, oh, shit, Bill is so kind of different. Like the muffin bit where you're just punching the muffins in front of the woman's face. I remember that bit. That's a true story. Dude. I was on the Upper West Side. I still remember that. We went there and I was fucking dying laughing. My girlfriend is now my wife.

The lovely Nia was just going like, what are you... It was one of those things. I was laughing so hard that she had no idea what I was laughing. She was laughing at how hard I was laughing. And I was trying to explain it to her. And she's just like, you know, what if I just started punching him up? And she's just like, why would you think that? Well, that bit and then the bit about...

When Malice in the Palace and you kind of, you defended the players like the way you said were like athletes. And still do. Yeah. And still do. Like that was one of the, that was like some of the greatest, like that was like a great revenge flick. Like a movie. Right. Like the fact that that guy threw a beer on another man that size, he never would have done that in a bar. The only tragedy was he grabbed the wrong guy. Yeah. Which was the comedy of it.

Right. You know, it was like... But now they're friends. Really? Yeah. Oh, shit. They run our test documentary. They're like, they're buddies. Yeah. I met that guy a couple of times. He, like, you just don't, you don't even understand how big a human being those basketball players are and like...

And all of a sudden you meet him and then the next night you're watching a game and you watch him try to take a charge and go flying across the floor. It's like there's another human being. I'm saying it didn't flop. He just stood there for the charge and just goes flying. It's just like...

If you rewatch that, there's a guy in the movie or whatever, the documentary, where he's like squaring up this little guy. Oh, yeah. And I'm like, who the fuck is this guy? This guy should have his own dock. The ball's on that guy. He's on the floor. Like, let's go. And it gets broken up. Giving up a little bit of a reach. Jermaine O'Neal. Jermaine O'Neal. Yeah. Big dude. Yeah, exactly. Seven feet. He's lucky he threw that big, long...

I mean, that's one of those guys. I remember this guy. I worked in a warehouse and this guy, six foot six, punched me in the head. And I just so didn't think I was in his wheelhouse. And I kind of hopped back and it just kept coming. He fucking clocked me in the back of the head. And I just saw these stars and I just been thinking like, God damn, this guy's a big fucking dude. Why did he hit you?

Oh, here we go. Because I was mouthing off to him. I totally deserved it. Yeah. Oh, shit. Totally deserved. Yeah, Ben Wallace. You're talking about bigger dudes. Like Ron Artest pushes Ben Wallace. That'd be scary. Yeah, Ben Wallace is bigger than Ron Artest. Wow. Yeah, Ben Wallace makes you go to the gym. He's like, I got to do something here. I can't have a guy walking around looking like that and I'm doing this. Jesus. Jesus.

It's hard to stay in shape doing this job. You're just always flying and shit. You're just always kind of out of it, you know? Yeah, and then you're sad. You just order bad food. Yeah. And working out would actually make us feel better, but eh. You just got to get down there. I was going to do what I did, and I took the red eye last night, so I was just like, ah, the red eye. Then I had a bad coffee at a place where that's all they do.

And I was just like, yeah. You got to get a food review on that coffee place. I'm not doing that. Maybe I got a bad thing. But they were like, it's like an Italian, you know, it's like the coffee I got in Italy, which I never, I just started drinking coffee this year. What? You never drank coffee? No, I just never. How do you do morning radio and stuff? And hangovers. Just German-Irish plow through it. Damn. Wow. I started 33 with coffee, which was already late.

But I can't believe you just started. What are you, 61? No, I'm not quite 54. I might as well be. I'll be 61 in a minute. I should have gone higher for the comedic effect. I was too close. Sorry. Oh, I just realized nobody laughed. They're like, are you? Yeah, I've been doing this probably longer than you've been alive. Damn. Well, you did it the right way. And here I sit with the root beer float. I think about that Chappelle line.

twice a week where he goes what you're doing is going to take longer but when it hits it hits because as a comic you know just kind of struggling day to day he said that to you when you were on Chappelle's show I'm like fucking like five years older than him but he started at 14 so I still look at him like a big brother and then every once in a while like you know

I'll see something that'll say his age and I'm like, that's right. He's younger than I am. Yeah. But like as far as comedy years, you know, I mean, he started like, God, he started when he was like 14. Yeah, 14. He started like 86 or something. So it's like. He's been a comic more than he's been like a human. That's true. It's crazy. Yeah. I've done, I'm past that too. I've been doing it 30 years. I'm 54. So first 23 and a half years of my life, I wasn't now.

Yeah. Damn. The racial draft is one of my favorites. That must have been fun as hell to shoot that. Yeah, because it was one of those things where you're showing up and there's not that pressure because it's already written. And then you sort of open it up with like improv and like that little handshake that we did. We came up with that. Me and the other actor's name escapes me right now. Came up with that. And I was so excited when that killed it.

Big thighs, no felonies. Never got a laugh, but I had so many people come up and quote it. That's the only thing nice about YouTube comments is when you have a line in your act that never really hits, but you like it. And then YouTube, they'll be like, they'll quote that line. I'm like, I needed that. That was nice. Yeah. Somebody noticed. Yeah. But sorry, I cut off your Chappelle story. It was boring. All right. Well, the main things were right.

What was it like doing, I'm sure you've been asked this a million times, but I've never heard the Breaking Bad stuff. That must have been awesome. Yeah. Oh, yeah. If you've noticed my career, I haven't really done anything other than parrot troop into other people's genius. Smart. A couple of sketches on Chappelle, a couple episodes of Breaking Bad.

I know I got a couple others in there. The Mandalorian. Yeah. Just like everybody's just like, hey. And you've never seen Star Wars, right? No, no, I saw it. Oh, okay. I saw it, but by the time I saw it, I just, I was too, I liked Empire. That's the first one I saw. I liked it. And then I saw the first one, I thought it was like,

kind of boring in the beginning when they were in the desert I was like oh my god somebody shoot somebody right and then and then the last one you know it was like by the time like the last one came out I mean I was like 16 or 17 so like

you know like Ewoks and shit I liked when they were going through the forest with like the I was I was as far as like sci-fi I liked like Escape from New York yeah Blade Runner yeah I liked the I believe they say Dystopian Tale there you go the dark stuff what's the one with Clive Owen from a few years ago Children of Men that was fucking cool great I like I like watching yeah shit like that yeah that was Snowpiercer that was a good one that's a good one

That's a great movie. That's the Korean guy. Yeah, the guy who did Parasite. I got a good French one you should see, A Prophet, which came out in 2009. It's all in French. It's fucking amazing. Rec. It's fucking amazing. What do you think about the new Blade Runner, Blade Runner 2049?

The one that Ryan Gosling did. Yeah, I loved it. Really? Yeah, yeah. I know. I love all of it. The original is amazing. Yeah. That fucking movie is the shit. Thriller? Yeah. That's a fucking – well, he's going to prison. It's not a comedy. Midnight run. Yeah, it's amazing, amazing, amazing movie. All right. What are your favorite movies?

Probably the same stuff that you guys like. I like, you know, I don't mind like absurd shit. I do really like a lot of absurd stuff and silly stuff that like, like all like that Adam McKay stuff before he started making these Oscar movies, like a lot of that stuff. Like, I just fucking love it.

Is that Will Ferrell you're talking about? Yeah, all the Will Ferrell, John C. Reilly. I mean, the two of them. Oh, my God. And Ricky Bobby. Talladega. Like, just the outtakes. Like, how funny and how fast those guys are. With Sacha Baron Cohen, too. Yeah, Steve Carell, like a 40-year-old virgin. That scene that Kevin Hart has in that movie. Kevin Hart. Is this your boy? Is this your boy? Yeah. Kevin fucking murdered him. Yeah, he was so funny. Oh, I forgot about that. Yeah, it was a great scene. Like, that whole thing.

I watched that the other day and, uh... Yeah, I don't know. I like, uh... Yeah. I do like shit that's sort of... But I definitely... My favorite stuff is stuff that's, like, tethered to, uh...

reality like I love something like you know one of my favorite comedies that came out a few years ago was The Nice Guys oh yeah I love that movie with Ryan Gosling and Russell Crowe Russell Crowe Russell Crowe's fucking amazing in that so good Ryan Gosling's hilarious when he breaks his arm that high-pitched scream he does that's funny every time and then the guy I always forget his name the guy playing the bad guy

So creepy. John Boy or whatever? Yeah, the choices he makes. Yeah. That line, if you don't tell me what I want, I'm going to start cutting off your fingers. And he like laughs. And if you don't tell us, he goes, we're going to start cutting off your fingers. He like gets into it. Just like, oh my God, this guy's a lunatic. That's such an underrated movie, man. I love that. It is. It is. And it's one of those ones that somehow...

came and went but that is like a that's a like if you're on the road yeah you know back in the day when you bring your dvds out with the attachment and your fucking 30 pound uh laptop you bring that one yeah yeah i i completely agree with the reality you need something based in reality like i tried to watch dune and i know people love it and all that i just couldn't do it i i turned it off

Yeah, when it gets too far into the future that I don't get. I like the ones where it's the future, it's on Earth, and there's shit left over from when I was alive. Right. And I think that that's, you know, they go into an old subway station or something like that. I like that type of shit. We're going to get torn apart in the comments for Shitton Undoing, by the way. Those fucking people. I'm not saying it's bad. It's like doing a Mad Max one.

No, it's... Similar kind of vibe. Yeah, it's like futuristic. Mad Max was a cool movie, though. Speaking of, yeah, things left over from the real world, the first two Mad Maxes, that was just... Oh, Thunderdome? Yeah, there was just them driving through like the Australian Outback. Yeah. I like Waterworld, too. And Rat Rods, the original Rat Rods. Yeah. Tina Turner's in that. Yeah, you need that comfort wash on the road. I've been watching like Veep on the road. I just need something silly as hell on the road to just... I've been watching that, I think it's called...

The Bear or something like that. Oh, I just finished it. Oh, yeah. I'm only two episodes in, but like... It's so well shot. Yeah. I know a couple of people that work in that. They go, is there really screaming like that? They're like...

Yeah. Like, I know this chef, she worked with some guy here in New York that was rated the worst person to work for. Oh, wow. Whatever she brings up that she works with him, like, almost other chefs are like, oh, I'm sorry. It's not like that here. Wow. It's just like...

Like she was saying that she's a woman. That guy would come up, like step on her feet when she was fucking stuff up. It's just like, I had football coaches like that in third grade. Yeah. They come and they fucking kick you in the side of your leg because you couldn't hold your little third grade legs up. That's basically what Gordon Ramsey is. He's just a football coach yelling at you. I worked as a waiter for 10 years. Oh, did you ever see that time that guy snapped?

No. I used to sit there yelling at those guys as he's firing them and they're literally like wrapping up all their fucking steak knives and shit. It's like, dude, you might want to be on the other side of the counter. And at one point this fucking, I think it was a New York dude. He's like, you don't know me, motherfucker. He said, flip out. And I was like, yeah, there you go. Somebody with some self-esteem. He's kicking you off. You might as well go out with a spark. Right. It's on TV too. Don't fuck yourself.

What's that guy, the bar rescue guy, the big guy? John Taffer. Taffer. Somebody went off on him once at like a Harlem restaurant. And I was like, all right, it's about time. And he was like, okay, let's change scenes. Let's move it along here. That dude is entertaining though. Yeah, he is. I love that guy. I love the way he cooks and all that shit. But it's just like there is something funny when somebody thinks they're in this fame force field and that someone's not going to step through it and just be like, this is invisible. Right.

You're a person and I will fuck you up. And it's like, oh, that's right. I haven't been a person for a while. Yes. I've just been sort of shuttled to and from the gig and over to the airport.

Yeah, that's why the Mike Tyson punch on the plane was so fun. You're like, yeah, yeah. What do you think was going to happen? You fuck with this? It's Mike Tyson. Murder. Yeah, he'll kill you. Yeah, that was pretty cool. That was awesome. How desperate was that? And he just he wanted to get hit so he could do the whole fucking thing with the guy filming it and shit. And like, it's really weird.

I know, you'll take a punch from Mike Tyson for the clicks. That's a bummer. He still looks terrifying. Oh, yeah. Come on. I know, but he's in shape. Some of those boxers, yeah, look at that. Oh, that's a, I didn't know it was that many. Oh, he's going, oh, that was all rights. Jesus Christ. Look at this fucking idiot. Oh, my God. First class. If I was the captain of that plane, I would throw that kid out the fucking. Oh, yeah. Geez, we have the same haircut, too.

It's rough. How did he get hit on the left, on the right side? He was probably like this. Oh, yeah. Shit. That's that guy. Claim to fame. Like, can that get you laid? Can you go to a bar and go, you know, I'm the Mike Tyson guy? I bet it can. I'm the guy who got the shit kicked out of him? There's a lot of dumb ladies out there. Just so you know, it's been proven I can't defend you if there's an intruder coming in. Would you like to go home with me?

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You know, I don't know. I don't know. Yeah. I think that you should be able to do that just in life and there should be no lawsuit. And like the judge just be like, well, what did you think was going to happen? Stop wasting my time. I'm fining you $75 for wasting this court's time. Get the fuck out of here. Go learn how to fight or shut the fuck up. Next. That's a better society that way, I think. I think it kind of regulates itself.

Yeah, like hockey. There you go. I feel like Boston people love hockey. Dude, I love them all. He posts about baseball a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been watching the Red Sox. You know what's weird is I actually enjoy a struggling season every

More so than them. You know, it's fun to watch when they win, but I just love watching like a manager trying to plug the holes. Like, dude, we just, our entire fucking starting rotation's out. Devers was out. Kike Hernandez. Everybody's out. Like, I was watching the other night. I was watching them. They were playing the Astros, and they were just kind of, I was going like, there's like five. Who the fuck are these? Who's playing second? Where's Trevor Story?

Right. What happened to him? Like, you just, like, this year with the Sox, it was like, if you miss, like, three games, you come back, you don't even recognize the team. It's like the Worcester Red Sox. And you're just like, all right. We're playing tonight. Now we got the Yankees. Fuck. Was it nerve-wracking being, I saw you did a little commentating. You killed. That was awesome. No, no, it was, it's fun, you know. It's fun and it's, like, surreal and, yeah.

No, I would like... I'll tell you, if I had to announce any sport, there's definitely periods where I'd pick different sports. But just generally speaking, if I can't pick the era, I would definitely do baseball because I just think there's just something like...

so much fun about like, you know, like when there's like a rain delay and those guys just have to like, you know, if you get like a guy that's lived life like Hawk Harrelson and, you know, R.I.P. Vince Scully, man. Just, yeah, I know, Vince Scully was just, yeah, and he said the most painful moment

fucking thing i ever heard and thank god it was him you know a little roll of the buckner behind the bag it is what a night or whatever and then that's when the greatest thing was when the socks finally won in 04 like i can watch that and just i can be amazed

Like, they asked Clemens one time, what's the most amazing thing you ever saw? He was like, us losing the 86 World Series. I mean, dude, we were literally down to the last strike, and we let up like nine singles in a row. It was just fucking...

It was bananas. And a lot of people forget we went up 3-0 in game seven. I still had hope because I was a young Red Sox fan. And I missed the Bucky Dent thing. I was watching him that year, but I didn't watch. I just remember asking my mother, I go, did we win? And she just went, just a broken look. And it took her like another 12 years to fully give herself into loving them again. Wow. No, dude, that was a...

That was, you know, and that's back when you could like really just like, there was like great sports. Like when the Yankees went up, we played a five game series and they came up and they won all five in a row and they called it the Boston Massacre. Yeah. Like you could never, you know, isn't that, you know, make it light of actual match. Like I remember that wide receiver, yeah, it's going to be a war this Sunday. And people are like, oh, there's actually people fighting real wars. It's just like, I understand that. Let them get amped up.

Yeah. Two things can exist. Yeah, exactly. I wasn't even mad when the, I'm a Yankees fan, but I wasn't mad when the Red Sox won. That's what all you Yankee fans said because you didn't want to take the shit. Oh, I'm happy for you guys. You all fucking went underground. Took your Yankee cap off slowly. I could not find a Yankee fan in 04, 03. They were all over the place. Say fucking whatever that guy's name is because it didn't stick.

Aaron Boone. Oh, that was amazing. Because everybody thinks like that one hurt. It's like it didn't. It didn't have time to marinate like a fine wine. That walk off was badass. It was just like he did it and then it was just in the very next year, you know, we hung the biggest choke fucking ever. It's the biggest choke in sports history. Just because it's like a $200 million team with so many future Hall of Famers. And that's also why I don't get mad at what the Astros did.

Because what the Red Sox and Yankees, we were fielding $180,200,000 roided up free agent teams. And we were just winning these championships. Like, I never even watched. When we played the fucking Colorado Rockies in 2007, I think we swept them. I didn't even watch it. I was like, this is stupid. Like, we've literally become, like, we can't call them the evil empire anymore. It was just like...

You know. Cancel evil empire. It's like, Dad, you're a drug addict. And then, like, two days later, you're fucking doing heroin. You need to get your shit together. But baseball was never better than in the 90s when McGuire and Sosa were just going to

That was big. It was fucking amazing. And Bonds. I mean, when you knew Bonds was going to hit a – there's going to be a dude in a kayak chasing a home run ball every day. Dude, that was awesome. I went to see Maguire that year down in Qualcomm Stadium. It was Cardinals versus the –

the Padres and I mean this other comedian Dan Smith went down and he hit number 28 at the end of May right but Aaron Judge is kind of on that pace so I remember everybody came out for like the place was like three quarters full for batting practice and he came up and the whole place was like and

And he got up there like just fucking V. Yeah. And it was so funny. Everyone was going nuts. And the first pitch came in, he laid down a bunt. Everybody goes, oh. He just laughed. And dude, people were hitting home runs. But when he started hitting them, like other people were hitting home runs. You were trying to catch him. He was hitting these fucking lasers. He's like, I don't want to touch that. I'm going to let that go off three people. And then when it hits the ground, I'll try to beat an eight-year-old up for the fucking thing. They need to let him in the Hall of Fame. They need to let all... Because at certain points, like they're in anyway. My buddy said...

He's not in this business, but he kind of said it. He said steroids saved baseball. Interesting. Because the only thing that was going on that was positive after that strike in 04 when they fucked over the Expos and they canceled the World Series was Cal Ripken beating Lou Gehrig's record. And then after that, it was nothing. And then it was just like, dude, that was the only year I can remember, probably since the 1930s or 40s when people just listened to the fucking radio. Yeah, right. Like people paid attention to the dog days of summer.

Like the way, like when him and then Sosa came out of nowhere in like June or July and it was like, oh, it was great. Then he got that whole racial thing. Like who are you rooting for? Exactly. Who are you rooting for? I'm like, I'm rooting for the big redhead. Can I do that? He looks like me. Have you seen, have you seen, have you seen the Sosa doc? No. It's fucking brutal. I never even heard of it. Well, I think it's Jeremy Schaap is interviewing him and Sosa's white now. He like bleached it. It looks, he looks, yeah, it looks weird. Like vitiligo?

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, shit. Yeah. And he's like, you lied. You're on steroids. He's like, I don't know what you're doing. It's like 60 minutes of him being like, I don't know what you're talking about. You know? He won't admit it. Whoa. And he went blue eyes. Whoa. Yeah, dude. Yeah, dude. The world's a fucked up place. The world's a fucked up place. Holy shit. Jesus Christ.

I hope he's happy. You know? I'm sure he is. God bless him. Yeah. Great player. I mean, he was, I mean, but that's the thing. Like, these guys are Hall of Famers without that shit. So it's, you know. No, I think, I always thought Barry Bonds was a victim of the steroid era because he was the guy and then everybody else started taking roids and they passed him. He's like, all right, here's me on roids. Here's 73. Yeah. And everybody's like, oh, what the fuck? Yeah.

Your head is huge. But they all, you know what fucked baseball is? They wouldn't let, like basketball and football was, they were posting shit on like Instagram, YouTube, all that shit. Baseball was so anal about sharing anything. So you couldn't get new fans, I don't think. That fucked baseball too, on top of the no more roids. Also like Bird Magic, Dr. J. Yeah. Saved the NBA and then it just became, like it just so naturally happened that the Celtics and the Lakers lost.

just like with Red Aura back and was it Jerry Buss back then? Who was the guy that was just like, I mean, just every move he made. Jerry West? Jerry, was it, who was, was Jerry West? Buss was the owner, West was the GM. So West, what the moves that those guys made and the players that they got. Yeah. And we, you know what, it was the worst thing for fucking basketball.

And it's the big what if is if Len Bias didn't die. I know. And that was a guy that like would go head to head with Jordan in those fucking those ACC games. Big East ACC games. Maryland.

Was he in the... Wait, was Maryland in the ACC back then? I can't remember, but they would play each other. It was just fucking unreal. And all the Celtics fans, we were all psyched. It was like, oh my God, finally a Celtic who can dunk. You know, it's like finally somebody's going to be above the rim. We had, you know, we had Chief and Chief would just fucking the one leg up and fucking would throw it down. Like that's what we had. And it's just like if that guy came in in 87 after we had...

That and if Larry Bird didn't blacktop his own fucking driveway. What? That's how he fucked up his back. He couldn't hire help? What? I didn't know that. No, no. He was funny that way. Like he'd be in the Olympic Village for the Olympics and he left going, I'm going to pay him fucking $9 for a beer. And like six foot nine would just walk out of the village. Yeah, how you doing? How you doing? He'd go into some dive. So there's a way like you respect it, but just as a fan...

It's just like he got old overnight and then... Kale got old overnight too with the injuries, you know? Yeah, and what could have been... And I'm not saying we would have beat the Lakers in 87, but if we had Len Bias, just what the Lakers would have had to have done. And they're just old school guys. What I love is Michael Cooper does the local sports out there and his hatred...

For the Celtics, I love it. He fucking hates it. It's not this thing now where everybody hangs out and is friends and it's just like, well, I can't beat you. What if I join your team next year? Right. And it's like a foregone conclusion, some of these things, or you at least know who's going to be in the finals. Like all those fucking Pistons that I hated. I love that they all stuck together. I fucking hated Bill Lambert. I love the guy now.

I had him as a guest on a sports show back in the day that he was on and he, first off, we had such a small budget, we had to trick him into staying for a second episode so we just switched people out without telling him. So we stayed for like an extra hour and was furious and then at one point I asked him like,

Do you talk to Bird ever? Like, if you see him, he's cool. He's like, no, we'll never be cool. That'd be funny if he tried to leave and you're boxing him. I like... You know what? He said that he had the best response to the Pistons walking off and not shaking hands when the Bulls ended. He goes, do you go back and look and regret that? He's like, no. Those guys, when we were winning it, said we weren't real champions. He goes, fuck them. That's the best excuse I've heard for that. But I remember him...

as much as he did all that cheap shit that fucking shot from the top of the key he hit it every fucking time and he was like 6 11 a lot of big guys didn't have a shot from that far out yeah because he was underneath banging back when you could do that in that fucking safe space that they have underneath so now everybody dunks and there's nobody there half the people are getting out of the fucking way because they don't want to be on instagram it was like back

in the day you had to be a fucking man you had to go into the trees and these guys would like the Lakers would I mean the Pistons had a thing one night they were just like yeah no layups tonight and they just sent the message in the first quarter like I don't give a fuck if I foul out you're not going to play for the rest of the season it's like alright guys let's try to work the perimeter another good nickname Andrew Tony

was known as the Boston Strangler. Wow. And before the three-point line, he came out, he had the low-cut Dr. J converse, and he would go out there, and when he got hot, dude, that guy was fucking unconscious. And to this day, I guess Danny Ainge, people are playing against Jordan. He goes, yeah, Jordan, you know, Andrew Tony, he still tells stories. Fucking white Danny Ainge can't even touch the guy. And even when he was in his face, he would just like, it was just, it was like, it was like Jeter.

When Gino, when it was a big moment, you know, playing the Red Sox, like all Red Sox fans, it wasn't, you were just like, what's he going to do? Is it going to be a single, a double? Is he going to jump on the first pitch and pull it and hit a fuck? You just knew he was going to deliver. And I got a buddy of mine, a Yankee fan, and he was in like, he sent me the doc and

Thinking it was going to bug me, you know, that this whole five parts. I'm like, I'm fucking, I can't wait to watch that. I go, every Red Sox fan, low key, fucking love that. There's no, you couldn't hate, like, there's just a level of greatness where it transcends your rivaling. Just like, as much as this guy is killing us, like, I am going to be talking about this guy when I'm 80. And plus, I love those ones where...

an athlete like him or jordan is in control of the doc and then like the sports writers all whine and go like well this is just like uh you know a fluffy it's just like dude you've been telling his story for fucking 25 i would love to hear his version right you know i loved hearing what uh what jordan looking back thought of the whole thing i don't hear some fucking out of shape sports writer and his perception and his little soliloquies and metaphors i loved you shouldn't on stephen a smith

There was a clip of you. I like Stephen A. Smith. I know, but the clip is hilarious. I like him too, but when you're making fun of him for... He posted a boxing clip where he clearly can't box. That was not good for business, yeah. It's your whole job as a critique people. The only guy who throws a worse punch than that is me. I would never, never post... That would end my comedy career. But that was...

Yeah. Dude, Stephen A is like... He's like pro wrestling on the mic. I love him too. I mean... Dude, that guy is literally the only pulse left, I feel like, on that channel. Yeah. You know, as far... They let everyone go. I know. They still have some of the...

The old guys That do shows on there That I do like But like I don't know ESPN kind of went The way of like MTV When MTV stopped showing Like music and stuff They kind of lost their way To like I think a lot of ways All sports did With just allowing everybody To pile on the same teams Except for like the NFL is good NHL is good too But like basketball And baseball I just wish they would Just get They'd find that happy medium Between the owners And players having power And you could just sort of

You know, go back to like, you know, just like these guys are Royals. These guys are Yankees. Like those Royals Yankee series in late 70s, early 80s were fucking great. But I think because so many regular fans now play fantasy and they're always grabbing players and shit, that's just the new mindset. So I always come off as this old guy like, hey, they're back in the day. This is how like fucking empty my life is. I actually...

I was watching, I shouldn't say this for lacrosse fans, but I never watched lacrosse. I actually sat down and watched. I was like, this is a great fucking sport. Yeah, that's tough. Yeah, it is. It's a tough game. I said, goalie, how do you stop that fucking thing? Yeah, right. You just do a fly swatter. Yeah.

You want to see pure hatred. Read the comments. Anytime ESPN on Instagram posts like a women's basketball clip. That is like the most hateful people. That's like, that's like a step below ISIS. Right. You know what I mean? Yeah. Oh, that was a good kid. Yeah.

All right. You guys ever watch the Little League World Series? I love that shit. Love it. Did you see that fat kid? He goes, my name's so-and-so, my favorite play is this, and I hit dingers. I've never seen that. He's just like, I fucking love this kid. You gotta love a fat kid.

With swagger? Yeah. Come on. I also love a sloppy baseball player. Yeah. Like a sloppy pitcher. Just some guy. David Wells was our guy. Yeah. I was just talking to Hersey about all of that. All the sloppy pitchers when I was growing up. And you knew they had like all the condiments and shit. Something here doing this. Touching here. Like I loved when that guy in the Yankees had that shit there. And I actually heard that players don't mind that because they have more control of the ball than

And it's like, you know, I'd rather have this guy throwing strikes than hit me in the fucking head. Oh, there he is. That's the kid. Oh, this kid's adorable. Hi, my name's Alfred D'Elia. At home, they call me Big Al, and I hit dangers. Ha ha ha!

I had dingers. I mean, he's either going to the MLB or fucking Worldwide Wrestling Federation. WWE. It's like the Sandlot. Remember the redheaded kid in the Sandlot stole the whole movie. Yeah. I just rewatched that.

on a plane baseball movies for some reason are like the best sports oh the best bull durham they had a run too rookie of the year angels in the outfield it was like 10 of them yeah and they also because also it it it kind of toes the line of like the pamphlet for this country you know what i mean it's for hey everybody can fucking make it then it kind of ignores all the fucking ugliness of it it's just kind of it's sort of the santa claus version of uh

Of like America. It's like, yeah, that does exist, but there's this other shit here. So it's very, they're very patriotic. Yes. Type of thing. David Tell's joke, Little League World Series, or as I call it, the pedophile Super Bowl. Something like that. He's still the fucking greatest. Still the best. I think he gets a quote in here like every week. There's always an Attell line.

He's the best. Yeah, he still was. He invented that, or as I call it, you know, the stingray, or as I call it, the Puerto Rican of the sea. Because it stabbed Steve Irwin. That was his Steve Irwin joke. That's hilarious. Didn't you do something for the troops with a tail?

I probably did a long time ago. I just remember anytime I think I'm getting good, I watch him and I'm like, all right, I have work to do. The best. Yeah, he's the fucking... It's so pure, you know? It just... Every joke is just fucking perfect. Yeah. Yeah, I remember when I first came to New York in like 94, 95...

and Greg Fitzsimmons was breaking down the city, like how to get in at the clubs. And he was really, Greg Fitzsimmons really helped me out. And he was saying, and then as far as like the standup down here, he goes, basically every white comic wants to be a tell, every black comic wants to be Chappelle. That's all you need to know. Like those were like the two guys, but like, you know, there was all those other guys that were also...

also killing it you know you've got a crazy crazy class I might be off but it's like all the tough crowd and Norton obviously and then even like like Todd Berry Mark Maron oh yeah yeah I loved all of those guys still love all of those guys and like there was just so many you know great comics and it was just like I don't know the world was a lot smaller then if that makes any sense where it's just like

You were just sort of doing it and there wasn't all of this, I got to build a brand and I need to film this and you want to shoot this on an iPhone and all that. You just kind of, you know, you're just trying to get funny and then there was like every once in a while there was just these industry showcases.

And, you know, you'd go up there and, you know, fucking do your 10 minutes. That was everything. Yeah. And the manager's like, dude, we're clean. We're clean. Let them see the sitcom. Let them see the sitcom. And you'd kind of buy into that. And then you'd watch a tell go up. You just be like, I'm a fucking pussy. What am I doing here?

And then the sad part is that Tell's sitting off in the wings going, I'm a fucking hack. Nobody's happy. I love when he calls you up and goes, is anybody doing a bit like that? Nobody's doing a bit like he checks out his jokes. Right, right. I remember I was in a car with him once and he had a joke about like vagina snoring. And he texts Tom Papa to see if he has that bit. I'm like, Tom definitely doesn't have that bit. That's a dude who definitely doesn't have that one. Women like vibrators because it sounds like they're listening. Yeah.

Sorry, I got you off. No, he's... Fitzsimmons is such a... Oh, we love Greg. So he came right before you from Boston? Yeah, he was... As far as in Boston, there was... That group of comics was... There was Rogan, Greg Fitzsimmons... Dane? No, Dane was... Dane actually started right out of high school. So he started in 90. I thought he started in 91. But like Dane was more my generation. And...

uh, who else was up there? Like Jim Loretta, Todd Parker, fucking, uh, Robbie Prince, all of that. Those are like, you know, all of that crew. And then after that it was, uh, I came up with like Bobby Dane, Patrice, um, Gary Goldman came like right after that Orny. And, uh, no, we, there was a great, that's a crazy class. Yeah, it was great. And then when we, when we moved in, like, and then Jersey had like Florentine and, and, uh,

Norton and all that. And then we all just sort of came into New York at the same time. And yeah. And then all of that, all of that shit happened. Yeah. The Patrice doc has little snippets. Thank God somebody was rolling a camera back then. There's a, there's a scene where they're all, you guys are all hanging on the sidewalk. And then Rich Voss walks up, goes, what is this? A couple of middles, zero laugh, zero,

A pause. And then everybody laughed at him. How bad that bombed. And I was like, oh, that's such a great little moment that we don't... I don't feel like we have anymore. We were fucking brutal, Tito. It was so stupid. When I look back now, I mean, it's funny, but it was so stupid. We didn't write one script, one sketch. All we did was try to destroy each other's confidence. It was just such like... Yeah, it was like a bunch of abused rescue dogs all put in the same... It was like one pork chop there. It was just fucking...

Yeah, dude. I used to fucking have anxiety going on in the cellar and I was just thinking of everybody. I would think like three fucking insults for every, just to kind of get, I was like, okay, if it comes at me, I'm going to get it off me and I'll send it this way. And you know, but what if Bobby's not there? Bobby's not there. I can't, you know, and you couldn't look at the lineup. Right. You can't. So you had no idea it was going to be down there.

And then the worst is when you say one and they're like, you prepared that. I did. I thought I was going to be smarter. We missed that. We really missed out on that. I guess when I first got in, yeah, I remember Colin Quinn and Keith like beating up on me when I was like brand new and I was like, this is amazing. This is it, you know. But yeah, my first. And somehow it became like toxic. I know. This is bad. And then like you go in there now and it's just like.

I don't know what it is. Yeah. It's not... I mean, I'm not going to romanticize. Like, it was all... Because I was comics going to me like, why do you sit down? Just go down and do your spot. And if I was a healthier person, I would have been like, this isn't working for me. I'm not enjoying this. Like, I'd like to come down here and feel good about myself, not feel worse. Oh, my God. The amount of shirts I could never wear again. Right. It was just like... I remember one time...

I think it was Keith. Keith was getting so trashed for what he had on. He just stood up in the middle of the pounding and just ran out. And I remember, you can't fucking, you can do that? I didn't know you could leave. I thought you'd just sit here until it was over. Damn, I saw Ted do that once. He sat down, everybody made fun of his sweater, and he just got up and sat at the booth and had dinner. And I was like, damn, that guy's healthy. Yes.

He's like, this is not working for me. I'm leaving this. He broke up with us. Right. Got out of the relationship. I remember when I auditioned at the Cellar, the second I sat down, I didn't know these guys. And Keith goes, look at him. Look how scared he is. And I was like, holy shit. Everyone's laughing at me. I'm like, this is my audition. This is crazy. And he was right. I was terrified. Yeah.

Keith was really mean. So funny. But he was good at it. I know. I'm fucking around. He really was good at it. I mean, he really. That mean laugh. Oh, yeah. He just enjoyed crushing you.

I've said this before, but my first night there, my first real paid spot, he was hosting. And he brought me up and he goes, ladies and gentlemen, you're in for a treat. And I was in the wings like, oh, shit, here we go. And he goes, Jerry Seinfeld. The crowd goes apeshit. He goes, I'm kidding. It's some guy. He brought me on and I bombed. Good times. I went up one time down there and it was just this night everybody showed up.

It was like Jerry Seinfeld, Ray Romano, Chris Rock, and then Dave Chappelle. Jesus. And I just kept getting bumped. And then it was like me. And the crowd was so spoiled.

By the time they were doing the intro, people were just looking past me going like, who is it? Is Eddie Murphy coming out? Right. Please welcome Bill Burr. I do feel like if you go after them and you try really hard, I think they like it. It depends. No, you just address it. You just address the disappointment. I just went on stage and I'm like, that's right, motherfuckers. This is what you paid for. Welcome back to reality. Yeah. I remember finally, I think it was Rock Chappelle and then me and I,

Once they're done going, like that's their bathroom break. They just saw a show. Sure. Then once they sit back down, it's house money. Like this is their vacation. Yeah. They're okay with it.

Yeah, that's true. I took a girl on a date once to the cellar and it was one of those nights where all these people, Jon Stewart pops in, Trevor, no, all these people. And she just, it was her first time there and she thought that's how it was. And then I brought her again and she was like, ugh, this is brutal. Just like you and some other guy. Yeah, that's not, if the first time you go down there, like that happens, like, yeah. Yeah.

I just want people in the crowd by the time they brought the third one up I'm a Godfrey was hosting and he was just like all right we got a special guest you might recognize this guy from everybody loves Raymond please welcome Ray Romano and the next one's like okay this next guy you might recognize from the Seinfeld show please welcome Jerry Seinfeld this next guy you might recognize from the Chris Rock show please welcome Chris Rock this next guy you might recognize from the Chappelle show please welcome Dave Chappelle

And then it was just like, this next guy's name is Bill Burr. He's been on VH1. And it's a good time to take a shit.

Well, hey, I mean, I know you got to go. No, no, no. I don't have to go. Oh, okay. This is fucking... Is that a Mitch Hedberg joke, by the way? What's that? You might recognize me more from... The store. From the store. Yeah, yeah. There's another guy. Jesus Christ. Did you know him well? No, I didn't. But I remember the first time I saw him, the guy that went on before him was just like... He was running the room and this room got hot and...

And he just totally went to his ego and he just wasn't funny and he was hateable. One of those people just people hate as he was, like Patrice would say, guys like that, they walk before they even talk, they're walking to the stage, they're already bombing. Yeah. I always love, like he was... I've had that. He talked about this guy in Boston like that. He had me, guys always had me cry and laugh and it's just like, Billy's just seen, it's like they hated him before they even saw him. Yeah.

And I knew exactly what he was talking about because we've all been that guy. Of course. I was just thinking about that. And he... I don't know. It's just like those moments where like, you know, when you're that guy, because we've all been that guy, you have to...

You have to figure your way out of it. Oh, my God. The sleepless nights. I just remember going home to my walk-through bedroom and just laying there with my eyes open going like, fuck. Yeah. They hated me. They fucking hated me. But the only good thing was like New York, you got up like the next night and get back on the bike and shake it off. And then you have a good set. And you're like, okay, good. I still know how to do it.

That's the only way. Yeah, because you start thinking like, did I forget how to do this? Have I just hit a fucking brick wall and it's just not going to go any better than this? Like, there was just so many of those...

Ugh. Just so many of those. I had two in a row at the cellar on Sunday that were not good. And I was kind of like, wow, it's rare that you get back to back. You do new stuff. Yeah, but I'm in the McDougal room. Then I go around the corner of the view. I was like, man, I did kind of bad on both of them. And you're like, fuck, I got to wait till Monday. Ugh.

Yeah. You know, and that's not long, but we get spoiled with the stage time, you know? Yeah, yeah. And then you start doing that thing where you look at yourself like, what is it about me that they hate? Maybe I could change something about me, like my outfit or my delivery, my face. My face.

Give it up for yourselves. I hate when people say thank you for supporting live comedy. I don't know why that bugs me, but it really bugs me. Because it's false sincerity. Yeah. The worst one, someone's bombing, he goes, I like you guys. Because he obviously hates them. You guys are fun. Yeah.

You guys are fun is brutal. There was comics that I saw, they said that every set in the same place, no matter how it was going. So it'd be funny. And you just go, he's going to say you guys are fun. And I know he's not having fun. And you just watch the guy up there, just like looking like he's got a fucking pancreas. And he's just like, you guys are fun. And like, that's one of those things where you would get,

So teased. Like, I used to end my sets. You guys, I had a blast. You guys were a blast. And I remember saying that. I said it for like years and nobody ever gave me shit. And then Keith, fucking mean ass Keith was standing at Stand Up New York and he just goes, he yelled. Of course, he yells across the room. He's like, really?

Did you really have a blast? And I was like... Oh, jeez. I was like, no. I haven't had a blast on stage for months. And I never said it again. Yeah. I had a couple reality checks at fucking... Stand-up New York like that. I remember saying to Dave, I was going, yeah, they're really tough. They don't want to go with you. And he just went up with like the edgiest shit ever. And then he goes...

And when he looked at me, he goes, how do you feel now, Bill? Like a coward? Something like that. Damn. Yeah. But he was teaching me like a lesson. And I just feel like nowadays someone would just go to Twitter and be like, and he said that and he had a position of power. Right. It's like, no, he's fucking throwing you in the deep end. Yes. Tell you to stop being such a bitch. It's like you need that.

yeah i mean i used to open for dave and we i remember he'd bring me on stage at the end of the shows and like forced me to riff with him and i'm like i'm not equipped to riff with david tell you know but he was just it was like him being like let me help you let me try to make you more comfortable yeah let's let's go up here and have fun and yeah and he's like helping you to get better like well like it's such a rare thing when somebody is uh as good as he is that like he also has like uh he gives a about other comics and stuff he's like

It's funny. You watch his act, it's like so dark and everything. But he's like one of the biggest hearted guys you're ever going to meet. Like...

And like, Jesus Christ, I've known him almost 30 years. I've never heard one fucking bad thing about him ever. Yeah, that's true. I mean, every comedy club I go to. Tonight he'll get arrested. He just jinxed him. He's sex trafficking. I remember the New York Times wrote a piece on him that was, I think it was Zinneman, wrote this like really flattering piece on Dave saying he's like the best club comic. And I said, Dave, like, this is so cool. And he goes, this is when it all comes crashing down. Like, this is, they build you up to just...

He's like, they're going to kill me. He's waiting. He's always nervous. He's not the greatest club comic. He's the greatest comic. There's no reason to clarify that. For sure. But there was something magical about Dave in an intimate, smaller venue because he's so fucking quick. The best. His crowd work, his jokes, his crowd work, whatever. He's just standing there.

Yeah. Just standing there talking, killing. I know. The best is when he's kind of, he doesn't like them and he gets angry. And he's still killing, but angrily. And he's doing that thing where he slams the microphone base. Oh, it's the best. The stand. I remember one time he was doing jokes and they just weren't getting him and all the comics would die in laughing. And then he just did one of his lighter ones.

You know, and he goes, let me do a little palate cleanser here. And then he just does a lighter joke and the crowd laughs. And as they're laughing, he just goes, ha ha he he, ha ha who. Yeah. And the crowd kind of got it. He's saying, oh, he thinks we're simplistic babies. And they kind of up their game. Yeah. Went along with like the rest of his, because they were kind of noticed the comics were laughing and they weren't, you know, and it's just like.

You know, even a crowd will get like low self-esteem. We need to be better. We need to fucking step up our comedy listening here. Yeah, I was telling you once he did a joke and he was murdering. And one joke got like a B laugh instead of an A. And he looked at me and he goes, we'll be right back. You know what that means, but it's the funniest thing. You can also pull the mic stand and go, this is the funny lever.

I remember it was my birthday one night at the cellar. I was just like smoking a cigar on the steps with Mike Vecchione and Dave comes out of nowhere and he goes, you had a good set, but it wasn't that good. Uh,

Oh, man. I saw him one time riffing on this Asian woman sitting in the crowd and just built this whole backstory. He goes, are you up there with your adoptive parents in Connecticut? And he goes, communicating through your cello. Oh, my God. Dude, she died laughing. Yeah. Back when you could like just fucking, I don't know, that wasn't like, it was just considered a...

Like, it's still considered funny, but it's just weird. Every once in a while, there's like, you know, that person trying to get on page six. Of course. About their audience experience. But as you said, like, he's got the rep of being a great guy on top of it. Like, comics would not stand for people coming for Dave, you know? No. No. No way. There's no way. Yeah, no. You hope. Because he's a good dude and he's a genius. Never underestimate show business and self-preservation. Exactly. Look at Louie.

You know, it's a whole bunch of other people who got like, you know, dragged under with some, I mean, one guy, I don't want to name names because I just want to get it going again. But like, you know,

One person just went on a date and tried to get laid. I mean, it's not illegal. It all of a sudden just became this incident. I know, I know. That was just like, what the fuck? What are we even doing here? It's sad. And that person's the good guy. Yeah. The person who wrote that article. We're talking about Bill Cosby. Yeah. We got to get him on the wall. Yeah. 38 charges. My question, where's the 39th?

I need 39 before I'm convinced. Some people you can't defend. No, for sure. I'm talking about the- I've heard people defend Cosby. Really? I was on one podcast and the guy's like, let's be real. I'm like, I'm out of here. No, because I'll be honest with you, dude. When that shit came out, I was in the writer's room on a show and even one of the writer's wife had a story about him trying-

insisting like was at the buzzer telling her to come down and she just had this gut feeling it was like no and he was screaming at her through the fucking oh shit it is weird when it's like the cleanest comic of course most evil fuck that's why i love that eddie murphy joke he did on snl who would have thought all these years later

Cosby would be in jail and I would be America's dad. Amazing. Well, I think the thing America hates the most is a phony. Like when Ellen is dancing and shit and then it comes out that she's the biggest coos ever. People are like, oh, okay, we were lying to you. Is she?

I don't know. I'm not saying she is, but... I mean, dude, the grind of doing that show and having to be happy. And one time... I always looked at it like one time she just couldn't do it anymore. So she just went out and started dancing. And it was just really an expression of how fucking sick she was of doing the fucking show. And then it blew up and then she had to do it. And I was just like, oh, no. I always root for a comedian. Do you know Ellen? No, I don't. But I think she's a great comic and all of that shit. She's great. Yeah, like...

And the pressure of fucking doing that every fucking day. Yeah, after a while, you don't want to look at people. You don't want to talk to people.

I remember working with this older guy on something recently, and we were just talking about everybody complaining. And he'd been in the business forever. He goes, dude, my first 30 years in this business, all people did was yell at each other. Yeah. That's all it was. You just were like trying to shoot something and all the shit that can go wrong. People lose their tempers and they just say shit. And you just got to like roll with it.

Like... Well, they're the boss. I had... Dude, I did a movie one time when this fucking guy... The scene wasn't working and they had to shut it down and it cost them money. And I was the low man in the totem pole. So I got yelled at. He was right in my grill like he was fucking arguing a call. And he was just dropping all these F-bombs. And I was like, what the fuck is... What is this, right? And I was all like, I don't need this shit. I'm fucking doing stand-up. I don't need to fucking be here. But my... But I was smart. I was just like, this guy...

Is like if if I flip out here, like his story is going around Hollywood, his version, not mine. And I just didn't. Right. So and then like a couple of years later, the guy called me out of the blue and stuck me in a movie. And then I hung out with them. And now I love the guy. Absolutely love the guy. It was just like he had a bad fucking day.

He had a bad fucking day. We've all had it. And it's just like nowadays, like something like that, if that person was to do that to the wrong person, all of a sudden it becomes like this one moment. Yeah. Your worst fucking moment. You lost your temper. You said something that you regret. Yeah. Like because the next day he apologized.

And he apologized in an old school way. He kind of came up, we read the scene and it worked and he was standing next to me and he just gave me a couple taps on the shoulder and I was just like, all right, that's it. And I was like, all right. I mean, I'm going to get mad at somebody for losing their temper. It's not a healthy way to apologize, but it is like the thing where- It was. It was because I don't want a heartfelt apology from another man. That's true.

I really don't. That's actually weirder. I will never get comfortable with that. True. I will just fast forward. I get it. I get it. All right. All right. Thanks, Sam. Yeah. I would just do that. Like, all right. Thanks. Yeah. Yeah. I don't want to see you be like, you know, I really beat myself up over it. It's just like, dude, this is worse than you yelling at me. Yeah. Can you just yell at me again? Yeah. Well, if I get yelled at like that, my self-esteem is so bad that I'm like, oh, I got to step it up. Or maybe I did something. I put it on me somehow. Yeah.

I got yelled at by a big comic. I'm not going to say who. And I was like, oh, I fucked up. But everybody was like, he's so mean. I'm like, no, I fucked up. Dude, that's what fixed that. I did a bit on that lesbian bumping into me. The first night I did it, of course, I didn't realize I popped in a show. Of course, it's the gay show. I had no idea. Probably all the dicks that they had on the stage.

should have let me know. Which I always think is funny on the gay show. They're trying to be like, can you stop turning us into cartoons or whatever? And then they do that in a show. Look at all these dicks. But then after a while, I was just like, well, isn't this like them just being like, you do this. The whole time I was growing up, every beer commercial, might as well just had a big pussy

Fucking in your face. The whole hetero thing was just so out there in all these movies, like nine and a half weeks and all that. That's why, oh my God, Billy in the Street. Eichner. Eichner. Dude, he's got a movie coming out. It's a gay romantic comedy, which has never been done. And I was reading about it and just what he was talking about. I'm like, this is going to be fucking, this is going to change everything.

In a good way. It's really going to change things. And I think all of that stuff is really cool. I was watching the trailer for it and it looks good. And I remember being like. Dude, he's fucking hilarious. He's quick. But I remember. His shit out on the street is some of like him, Tom Green. Do you remember Tom Green when he had that guy holding that fucking light and the guy doesn't want to do it anymore? He goes, no, no, no, no. And he puts it towards the ground. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. And the guy just kept like he didn't want to do it. No, no, no.

And the guy was just, he just kept doing it. And he did what it was like. One of my favorite things I ever saw on MTV was him getting that guy to hold this stupid fucking thing. You know, he just stopped this guy in New York. The guy had somewhere to go and he just got him to hold this stupid light. And like, and he put the pressure of the whole project on him. And the guy had like this, this fucked up sense of responsibility. Like I have to hold this.

This fucking life. That show was innovative. That was like big for us. Oh, yeah. Tom Green is a fucking beast. Huge. Freddy Got Fingered is one of the most underappreciated comedies. That's a really funny movie. There's a lot of those out there, like the ones that slip through the cracks and all that. It's usually not the one that wins the award. Like, you know? Yeah, like MacGruber or something. MacGruber's great. Oh, my God. That's a great movie. That movie is fucking...

It's I will suck your dick. I'll get that clip. I will let you fuck me. Just tell me what you want me to fuck. Dude, that movie is just like fucking...

Those are all like, to me, like if I'm watching that by myself on the road, like, you know, that's like the highest. Like if somebody makes a comedy in Hollywood and comedians are watching it on the fucking road and like quoting it and stuff like, and everybody was quoting that movie. I remember Neil Brennan went to the table read for that. He goes, I've never been to a table read that killed as hard as that. Like it was just, it just fucking hurt.

Wow. Murdered. Oh, my God. The Kristen Wiig sex scene. He's like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Doing all this shit. That's one of the best comedies ever. It's crazy. Yeah, I've never laughed. And the show is fucking amazing on Peacock. Do you ever see a comedy so funny that you're like, I got to change how I am? It's a horrible way to think, but I saw Mulaney once at a,

Skirball Center. And it was so good. I didn't know much about him. It was like his first special. And I was like, I got to be more like that, which obviously I didn't. But first time I saw that guy, he featured for me at Zany's in Chicago and that little walk-in closet. I love that club. Oh, yeah. I've never seen a guy like his. The first time I saw him, I was like, this guy looks like he's been like a broadcaster. Like he looked like he could host the Letterman show, like his first half hour show.

You know, there was a few guys that I saw that were like no brainers. Yeah. Dane was one. Like the shit that he gets through, the level that that guy was killing. Dude, he put the fear in God and guys that have been doing it for 20 years. We used to do Dick Doherty, rest his soul, his comedy clubs and all like, you know, Drake it, mass and all these places. And Dane would have the headliner like pacing in the back.

Damn. He was killing that hard and he would be like, you know, I shouldn't have to follow that. And that was my favorite thing. There's no jokes here. It's like, well, listen to the crowd. There's something going on here. And like, he doesn't get credit. He kind of came up with like a new genre sort of style of,

Like, of it. And, you know, it's just a weird... It's a weird fucking business, man. It is. Some people... It's like the Bo Burnham thing. Some people figure out... Not only did he figure out a new way of doing comedy, he did the MySpace shit, too. I mean, he was so ahead of it. No, that guy is a total fucking trailblazer. What I love...

is all the shit he got in the beginning he just shut everybody down and he totally delivers and then in the end you find out this guy's a monster fucking talent oh yeah that can kind of kind of do everything yeah in front and behind he made some other movie I forget the name of it years ago

about like like teenage kids and your first date eighth grade oh my god it was a fucking i never saw that it was a great movie yeah great fucking movie you just it just totally put you back into like your first crushes and the dumb shit like he had like the kid has like a date he's like trying to comb his hair and you know the dumb shit that you did when you were a kid and um i

I saw that with my wife. And I just remember thinking, like, that's his first – I think that was his first movie. Yeah. And it was like – I mean, this is incredible. He's a talent. He's a talented son of a bitch. 6'8". They almost had him play Larry Bird in – No way. In that Showtime show. Oh, that's not happening? I heard it was going to happen. That's a pretty good cast. Well, they have another kid playing it. The kid who's playing it's good. Yeah. Yeah. But it's not – yeah, I thought it was going to be him. Did you see how they filmed that Lakers one? Like the fast breaks? Yeah.

it's yeah they showed this guy dude the guy comes skating in on rollerblades and he's got a camera and then he does like this this curl around like that and then flips around going backwards and he's flying down the court and then the actors playing i think magic is coming up the court and he totally he came down backwards and went like right underneath the net as he like you know the whole fast break i was just like holy like who like who thought

to shoot like that and then what's the odds you got a cameraman that can skate like those kids in Central Park remember when they would set up the cones and they would do that shit with their feet you know going in and out and then they get like I would they'd always hit like one cone and then they'd be like

That's the damn tell. Like it ended their whole fucking day. It's like it's not enough. Everybody's watching this and you can't. This is the 90s, everybody. Rollerblading was still cool. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and they would always catch like one and then they'd be like. Like they just lost their shot to go to the Olympics. Right, right.

Seeing those clips, I'm thinking like, man, the pressure to make this layup. So you don't fuck up a take with everything someone's doing. Like he's doing, what he's doing is harder than what they're doing. You talking about winning time? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I can tell you a couple, I got to do it off camera because I can't say the name.

you know, when you get an actor who's in a sports movie but, you know, is not athletic and there's a crowd of extras watching going like, this is going to be some movie magic. I do have to get out of here though. Thank you so much. The special's amazing, man. I'm such fucking huge fans. Oh yeah.

of you guys and your generation. So keep doing whatever you guys are doing because you're fucking killing it. So thank you for having me. Same for you, Bill. I mean, the new special is amazing. It's awesome. I don't feel all this. I'm just buzzing so much after that root beer. I'll trash you later when I come down off the sugar. No, it's amazing. I can't wait to see your movie too, man. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's what I'm in town for. We got a screening at 7.

in front of 200 regular people but we got you know everybody's you know been really helping me you know killer editor and editors that we've had working on this thing so you know we're kind of getting almost to the fun part where it's like locked and then it's just gonna be color and music uh music is hard man Jesus Christ it's hard so I got help with that thank God

So we shall see. Old Dads, it's coming out at some point. All right. All right. Thank you for having me. Thank you, Bill. Killed it. Good to see you. Okay. Thanks, gang. Dude, that was a great one. Great. He had to run. But yeah, that was one for the books. Nice to get him in here, man. That was a bucket list get. Yeah. I mean, as you know, I texted him and heard nothing for, I don't know, a week and a half. And then out of the blue today, I'm like, ah, shit. All right.

And I even said, you know...

He's like, I have a hard out at five. And I say, Hey, come in at three. We'll do three to five. He's like three to four. It's like, all right, three to five. I just wanted some wiggle room, but he was like three to four. And I'm like, you got it. Great app. Great app. Where are you going to be? I'm going to be all over special September 1st. Netflix, check that out. But I'll be, uh, when does this come out? Oh, uh, yeah, I'll be in LA the 17th to the 18th. Uh, the bourbon room, Pittsburgh improv the following weekend. Uh,

Burlington, Vermont, September 1st through 3rd. Dania Beach, September 8th through 10th. Louisville, Kentucky the following weekend. Then Irvine, the improv. Omaha, Nebraska. Getting there from L.A. is going to be a real fucking bitch. I'm going to have to fly out a day early. Killing me with the L.A.X., one of the worst airports on the planet. It really is. How does L.A. not have a good airport? I know. If you can get out of Burbank, go for that. There's no options. I've got to leave a day early at like 11.

It's terrible. That's wild. Yeah. One of the worst things in my life. Phoenix, Arizona. That'll be great. Love Phoenix. Lexington, New Brunswick. OKC. You can go to my website for more. Samorell.com slash shows. Mark, what you got, man? Hey, hey. I'm going to try to go off memory. San Antonio this weekend at LOL Comedy Club. Breakfast tacos. Oh, yeah. Good call. Comedy Connection in Providence.

We're adding shows. Richmond Funny Bone, West Palm Beach, Improv. Keep going. The Aura at Portland, Maine. One sold out. One is getting there. Brandon Amphitheater in Brandon, Mississippi with Bert Kreischer. Red Rocks, Tumblr Brewing Company in Bakersfield, California doing two shows there. Brea Improv, San Jose Improv. The Danton Music Hall in Toronto. Or Danforth, sorry. Royal Oak.

with Jeff Ausmus. He's opening. The Roxanne. He's a killer. Killer in Pittsburgh. The Anglert in Iowa City. Pantages in Minneapolis. Lincoln, Nebraska. Portland, Oregon. Seattle, Vancouver. New Orleans. New Haven. Boston. Philly. And...

That's it for the year. And Bodega Cat is either out. Maybe we'll add something at the beginning of this shit. But, like, it's here this month. We'll figure it out. But I'm pumped, man. Right now it's like Lance Bass in 09. Almost out, but not there yet. Or maybe it is. Who knows? Was he not out in 09? I don't think he was. I remember it was like gay? Was the cover of the Time magazine. God, it must have been tough. Yeah.

All those women screaming for you. I know. I know. Oh, sick. Sorry. I was off by a couple. My gaydar was off. I'm gay. I'm gay.

All right. That's your expression. I got it from him. He's my comedy influence. We're going to talk to his lawyers. That's Mark's. Yeah, right? What the hell? Next he's going to say, praise Allah. Well, thanks for listening, guys. Subscribe. Merch at WeMightBeDrunkPod.com. Email us at WeMightBeDrunkPod at gmail.com. We got all kinds of shit, right? Yeah, yeah. Patreon. Yes. New stuff on the Patreon. We love you. Thanks for listening. Hell yeah. Sunday's a day for me.

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