Ep 87: Whitney Cummings & Eastern Standard
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Is selling out a thing anymore?

That's a good point. You know what? After Ratatouille, I think that was it. David Cross was in The Chipmunks. That's it. That's the nail in the coffin. Ratatouille's a good movie, though. It's great. It's Pixar. You can't go wrong. That's really fascinating. I've never done an animated role. I feel like you would do those. I would love to do an animated. Oh, my God. I could be a pigeon. I could voice a pigeon, I feel like. Come on. Yeah, you could be a pigeon. What's Mark? You're like a squirrel or something? I'll be a mongoose or something rodent-y. You're like a noob.

New York pigeon. You've never done a... I feel like you could do a Pixar movie or something. I had my first animated thing. What you do is you go to the table read and they write it kind of like with your mannerisms in mind. The first one, it was like back in the day when like T.J. Miller got every job. Yes. You know what I mean? He's got a great voice. You could...

I mean, he does. He has a great voice. Until he's had about 14 drinks. I thought you were saying like he's been a great voice. He's the voice. They meant like he's been a great voice. Yeah. So he's there. He's playing like every role probably. And then I was a sex. It was like the airplanes like spinoff. And I was like a slutty jet who was always like getting to like causing problems. She's not a virgin. And it totally come up and see me sometimes as a plane. Right. Right.

And I didn't, I was so grateful to have a job in that space because I'm not known for having a voice that's like soothing. People don't think of like my voice as something they want to like isolate and listen to. And so, and then later the guy that ran the studio was fired for sexual harassment and all this crazy stuff. And they were like, that was totally inappropriate. He should have been the voice. Yeah. Like all the executives were like, we're so sorry. Like that was very creepy. And I was like, I don't know.

I didn't think so. Yeah. Wow. Was that Pixar? I don't remember. It was that one of the... So the movie just went away? You didn't get to do it? And a lot of animated movies, or movies in general, you're attached and then they get new writers and it takes forever and I don't know if it ever happened. Yeah, they book a lot of comedians for these pets and all these Spider-Man and Mulaney in it. But once they go back... That was another good movie, too. That was a great movie. The Multiverse? The new one? I haven't seen it yet. No, the one with the cartoon. Oh, yeah. Incredible. Yeah.

What's the last movie you saw in a theater? 1918. That year? Jesus. No, well, that's the last- 1917. Yeah. No, I saw Joe List and Louie's movie. Of course. I saw that at the Beacon. But other than that, 1917's the last movie I saw in a theater. That's crazy. I want to see Top Gun. I'm going tomorrow. What's the last one you've seen? In Austin. I'm going to go. Yeah. That's fun. That's my last movie. Top Gun? Top Gun. It's cheese. It's Americana. But by the end, you're like-

You got like a MAGA hat on. You're all in. Running into schools with guns. Yeah. Stopping abortions. It's great. You really get like riled up in that one. Yeah. It's fun. I feel like I don't go see movies in theaters. I do feel like I see documentaries. And my new thing is that

I'll watch a documentary and talk about it as if I have a PhD. Right. And it's also documentaries. The subject matter isn't even like cerebral anymore. No. It's like discrimination in Abercrombie and Fitch. And I'm like, you guys, I saw this documentary last night. Right, right. Which, by the way, we've all seen those stories. We could have assumed. Yeah, we knew. That's why you got there. They were shirtless. Right. That's what we liked about them.

There was two man boys outside shirtless. What more do you need? They were like, they only had white employees. We're like, yeah. You can't get away with the shit in Thailand. Are you kidding me? But wait, do you remember that Abercrombie and Fitch used to make t-shirts with like very racist. No, I don't. Really? Like as soon as I saw them, I remembered right away. Like, I feel like I definitely. What?

bought one of those in a Buffalo exchange for a couple bucks. Wait a minute. What are we drinking today, by the way? Let's keep on that, Salakius. Stay on that. I'm making an Eastern Standard right now. I've never heard of this drink. Whitney requested it. But it's with tequila, which is unusual because it's normally a gin drink, actually. Oh, I didn't know that. Because the Eastern Standard is actually from Soho House. They made it popular. Oh, really? I am the worst person ever. Oh,

No, this is a great idea. My God, even when I try.

I tried to be cool. I'm cartoon Hollywood asshole. No, it was highly rated when I looked it up. No, I thought, okay, this is how much of a basic fucking ignorant bitch I am. I am the worst. I hate myself. So I went to a dinner with someone once at the Sunset Tower Hotel, an agent who ordered an Eastern Standard. And I was like, oh, this must be like an old timey drink from like the 1850s. Right. Like in the Apothecary or something. And it's the official like drink of the Soho House. Yeah.

- And it's a gin drink which is based on something called the Eastern. - Who brought the Karen? - I know, I think that I'm classy and know some shit. - Yeah, so it's actually like, it derives from a gin gimlet, the original one. - Gimlet, that's what I thought it was. - Just like gin and the lime cordial, but this is a tequila version. - We just wore these shirts to the Dave Matthews Band Concert. ♪ Hike your skirt up a little more ♪

How did it go? Crash into me. Hey, little girl, show your world to me. Oh, yeah. Good innuendo. Pretty subtle. I never... The Wong Brothers. Yeah, that's a tough one. Not great. Rickshaw's. Although that podcast would do great. If Bobby and his brother would just do a podcast together. Yeah, if you don't want to be right. Like this stuff, I...

yeah, so there was a huge class action lawsuit that Asian employees sued and a bunch of them, like they would hire diverse employees, but they would never call them in for shifts. So they're like, we don't have any shifts for you. Damn. Wow. So they could, and then they called in like an investigator. What would you call it? Like a forensics, like,

Someone that comes in to investigate your company. Like a secret shopper? Like a diversity consultant or someone that came in and tell you what you needed to fix. Right. And the guy just went. Everyone black here called in sick today. This is crazy. Yeah, right. What are the odds? Did you know about Sickle Sickle?

- Do you have telomeres? - No, the guy was like, I couldn't help them. Like there was, I couldn't even, it's like I didn't take the job. Like they offered me all the way, it was like they were too far gone. Oh, and the photographer of all these fucked the boys. - What? - Yes. - Wow, what a run. - No, it was not Herb Ritz, it was another guy.

Herb Ritz is a great name, though, for some of the folks' boys. That's because your last name is like a children's cracker. Oh, yeah. Right? That's true. It sounds like a pedo. Yes. That does sound fancy. It is funny that Ritz... Bruce Weber. Bruce Weber. Yeah. That's the guy. And the guys tell stories. They're all like working in saloons now and like...

senior princes as like raiders. Well, if you're going to fuck boys, those Abercrombie dudes were hunks. He's like, what would Hitler want to fuck? That is some top shelf boy fucking right there. Yeah, totally. It's very like Nazi porn. Yes. That's what Abercrombie and Fitch was. They definitely did not have Jewish models for sure. No. We're trying to run a business. They kept them in the attic. Nazis were hot. Remember that Nazi in Indiana Jones movie?

She was gorgeous. The blonde lady. I feel like if Kim Basinger was in like in

Not Earth Girls are easy. My stepmother. Was the alien. Is an alien. Have you seen that movie recently? I know. My stepmother. It's incredible. She's hot. She's not only hot. She's so funny. Really? Like, you know how hard it is for me to say. Yeah, that's true. It pains me to say. Kim Basinger? That's not Kim Basinger. Kim Basinger. Oh, yeah. No. No, that's the Nazi. She was the mom in Eight Mile. Like, that was kind of her comeback. LA Confidential won the Oscar. Hands down. The most beautiful woman to ever live. Yeah.

You think so? What do you think? She's hot. I would say Michelle Pfeiffer. I like Rachel Ray.

Rachel Ray? Yeah. I'm a big honey boo boo guy. By the way, Rachel Ray, have you been around her? No. She's really sexy. I can see that. She's sexy and like this perky, because she's gorgeous. Is she? Her skin is incredible. Yeah, she's attractive. No, but I'm saying she's got this like magnetism and this charisma. She seems like she does anal. Like she has a fun, positive vibe about her. Hopefully she didn't make turkey chili that day. Oh. Ha ha.

Impossible turkey chili. That impossible diarrhea, I do not recommend. It's bad, right? It's impossibly bad. You're not vegan, are you? No. No? I feel like a lot of West Coast people are vegan. I feel like it starts over there and then it works its way. Vegan doesn't always mean healthy. That's true. That's true. I think that's the thing about veganism. All that like seitan and tofu. No, no. It's just trash. And can you eat ass?

- If you're vegan, that's an honest question. - If the person's ass you're eating is vegan. - Ah, good point, good point. - Is that a reach around that we can do? - What is, yeah, you're right, it's not always healthy, but you do hear about like reduced inflammation and stuff, like some pro athletes go vegan and they just add like three years to their career.

Okay, you're not wrong. Because most of it breaks down into sugar, which is... Right. Was this nine and a half weeks? No, this is... Oh, that is... This is a comedy movie. Oh, that's Dan Aykroyd. Yep. My dad looked exactly like that. He used to sign autographs as Dan Aykroyd when I was a kid. Whoa. Wow. I thought he was Dan Aykroyd. Oh, she was the most gorgeous ever. Yeah. This movie is shocking. Wow, the 80s, huh? She's an alien that comes down...

And it's wild because she's kind of like a child in a way because she's this young girl. Like, she's like this baby alien in a big woman's body. Like, remember Big? Yeah. I was trying to make a little bit of a play of like,

He was technically 13 even though he was 30 Perkins was 30 so that was like Nerds yes, it's a fucking comedy. You know this is an argument I'm trying to make you did texting like premises like that. I'm like working on for jokes real quick

And then get into it. To Whitney's relapse. Here we go. All right. I love you. Yeah, I do think my rock bottom was last time you were on my podcast. That was a wild adventure. That was fun. I saw pictures of that. Five hour excursion. I did not know that you guys would have to drink the drink I picked. Oh, no. It's part of the fun. You made it? Okay. No, it's delicious. I don't think... I like the whole drink in the same drink thing. I don't like the ordering different. I like being on the same level. Yeah. I think...

I like that too because there is something that really drives a wedge between us when you order something else. Because there's a judgment. I'll be like, oh, can I have a whiskey sour? And you're like, I'll have a Jack and Coke. And it's like,

That's not the night I was having. Right. Oh, we're getting a divorce? I thought we were celebrating. This is what it's like to date any woman right now, by the way. Breeding into everything. At least then, though, it's still whiskey. I mean, someone's doing mezcal, another person's doing wine. I'm like, we're all over the place. What are we doing?

I like, Mark and I like doing the same drink. That's like a thing. Yeah, it's nice. But the ultimate bad one is when you're drinking and they're like, I'll have a seltzer. And you're like, you gotta drink with me. I can't sit here and drink alone. It's the worst feeling. Yeah, I could have stayed at home and done this. Yeah. Or if you get ice cream and they get a salad, you're like, this sucks. You gotta be breaking the rules together. When you're being bad and they're being good. That's the way to put it. It is annoying. I would

say if you're being good for whatever reason you need just don't come just don't come because i just feel judged i can't come when i'm being good i feel attacked how do you feel about people blaming their bad choices on the specific alcohol they drank oh that's fun you know when people like i can't have whiskey i cannot have whiskey i just i call my exes and you're like that's

No, Jen. Racist. I used to have Humphrey Bogart as my screen, lock screen thing because it would be like Bogie when calling X. You know what I mean? Be like Bogie. Wow, mine was my ex. Don't call her. Mine was actually your ex. There was a minute where Blackberries, if you did BBM, the person could see how you programmed them in. What? BBM.

Blackberry Messenger. You don't remember? Oh, I never had one. Me neither, but I knew what it was. Yeah, because I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember the font. It was Blackberry. It was the one with the roller on the side. Yeah, I remember the roller, the golden tee. That's how I learned to work a clit. I do that thing right there. By the way, I do feel like guys that age have like a tunnel. But there was a time where they could see how you program them. And there was one time this guy that I was like, do not ever answer. He was just like a morass of just like nightmare. He would just like suck

you in like a vampire and um that doesn't have the roller though get the roller get the roller i literally wrote like loser slash do not pick up oh like i'm 22 and i'm like this is when he calls i'm gonna see that we're gonna talk about shop come on

I mean, I've, look, I would never call him. I don't want to burst his cauliflower ear. There's your roller. All right. Whoa. So yeah, but there was one on the side also, I think. That's right. Like a scroll. But I remember like, I feel like if people knew how I saved them, they would not be flat. If they were like, you saved me as older woman, Tampa, you know, like, yeah, like literally like, um, uh, Cincinnati, uh,

Honey allergy. Yeah. Peanut allergy. Yeah. Like redhead Tampa. That's exactly it. I have Rachel Ray anal. So do you think that it's true that a different side of people like

comes out with different liquors. I don't think so. I think it's just booze. They don't do that with other shit. On heroin, I'm good, but black tar, forget about it. It's so true. But I will say, though, I think a wine drunk is different from a whiskey drunk. I think certain drunks, I'm silly when I drink wine. It's more gossipy. Yeah, like whiskey, I'm a little more. Is that the sugar? Is that white wine or red wine? Same shit, I mean, for me at least. But whiskey is a different, but I know what you're saying, like tequila, like around there,

But I feel like vodka is a different drunk, but not to the extreme. I agree with what you're saying. Not to the extreme of like, I did something. Yeah, totally. I'm with you. But I just, I really enjoy watching people use that to like convince themselves that everything's fine. Exactly. Like, nope, no.

No rosé ever again. No rosé. We are done with rosé. Like, they truly are like, no more. Don't need therapy. I'm done. That was the only problem. Exactly. And then just waiting. No rosé. I'm a Long Island iced tea guy now. Yeah, yeah, I do totally. You know what?

It was the sugar. So I need the potato vodka. Tito's. We're all of a certain age now. I feel like you found your booze and you go with it. Like, what is your go-to? I feel safe with this drink. I'm comfortable with this drink. I know my limits.

I think we've all mastered a certain blues. You're vodka. I'm tequila. But I thought you were off tequila. I'm back. I can't leave it. I knew you were tequila. I'm tequila, and I don't have a reason for it. I'm sure it's just placebo. I've decided that I'm not a vodka person because every bad choice I made has been on vodka. But it was also all in my 20s. So I didn't blame the vodka. Yeah, yeah. But I just like... I have a bad...

Do you have any like sensory things where you're not allergic to it or it shouldn't make you sick, but you just have bad memory? Like I smell vodka and I just think of like nightclubs called like area. Yeah. Yeah. Guys named Taylor. Right. Guys being like, can you help me put myself on tape? Yeah.

Like vodka? I'm so sensitive. That's not alcohol. That's Los Angeles, by the way. I'm so sensitive with smells. Yeah. I don't know. It takes me right back. Same, same. I don't know if there's one that no alcohol really. Do you have one? Rum and Coke is very child. That's college. Southern Comfort. Is that?

Southern Comfort will fuck me up. Dude, have you had Mike's Hard Lemonade recently? Oh, we used to shotgun those. It's awful. Dude, we were, I don't know where I was touring. I feel like Chelsea Lynn was there. I don't, but we went and Mike's Hard Lemonade has new ones that are like raspberry and blueberry. And we just like, it was so fun. That was good times. Remember you've been iced and you would have to drink it. The iced, yes. They tap the top and then it overflows and you're like, oh. That had a real moment.

That was pre-White Claw. But that's great branding. Like, just frat kid, there's a game attached to your dumb drink. Yeah, and you have to chug it. So you need more and more and more. Do you remember, like, drinking so much that you, like, looked forward to puking so you could just start over? I never could do it. I had friends who just went...

And they would puke and be right back, and I couldn't do it. Yeah, I just remember being like, I really... See, I never could make myself puke, but when I would, I was always like, oh, thank God, I feel so much better. I know, I was jealous of you people. Yes, it was like, oh, God, now I can start again. Like, what kind of idiot? But you're just talking about anorexia. Huh?

That was a totally different thing. That was just that was the one good choice I made in my 20s. But it's just so weird to think back when you were like, we were just really we just didn't know what we were doing. I know. It's crazy to think how many years we probably took off our lives. Did you guys play Power Hour? Yeah. So there's the mark says this crazy thing all the years we took off our lives. We have a drinking podcast. Yeah.

But it's still not healthy. No, it's not healthy for sure. And we drink on the road. But the stress, I mean, you could also make the argument that the stress you would admit if you didn't do things where you chill. Good point. I had this dietician, like everyone's got their healers and their fucking stones and stuff. I'm like, let me talk to a real dietician. Like, explain to me, like, what can I eat? What can I not eat? Like, I'm just confused. And she was like, the cortisol that you're going to emit stressing out about eating the right thing is way worse for you than just having McDonald's.

Interesting. Is that true? Whoa. That actually is like amidst cortisol. That's actually the basis for the movie Super Size Me. Super Size Me. That's how it started. So I'll just eat it every meal then. But you know, you hear about those old ladies are like, I drank a pint of scotch every day, had eggs and bacon and three cigarettes. And you're like, you're 98. Yeah. Because you probably didn't stress about it. But we're talking about that because that's an outlier. That's why we're talking about that. Good point. Good point. I mean, interesting. You're that guy. You're that guy. I'm a pessimist. I'm a pessimist.

I'm still drinking, but I'm just a realist. We're Texas people now, Sam. It's all a simulation, dude. We don't care about data. Get out of here, fucking buzzkill. I am being a buzzkill right now.

Or as others call it, a realist. We are killing ourselves. Let's enjoy it. Yeah. That's what I say. That's it. Yeah. Okay. I think that the amount of stress that it, you know, it's not making your life a nightmare. Sure. Like, I think actually makes you, they say that our lifespan is going to go down from COVID, not from getting COVID, but from stressing out about it. I heard the same thing. Like heart disease at 65. Right.

And all these kids are fucked up because now they have less social skills and yada yada. I do see kids in masks when I get sad. That is a bummer. Well, it's great news that you don't get happy or a boner. I didn't say anything about a boner. Yeah. I would hope so. But also, maybe they're preparing for the life they're going to have.

You know what I mean? Good point. True. Maybe they'll just be at, you know, sex parties constantly. I don't know. Well, you gotta have a balance. Yeah. You know, that's true. Look at Cosby. Yeah.

You know, America's Dad, sweater, pull your pants up, and then the other thing. That's Kazi's problem. He never found a balance. No, he had a balance. Have you seen the video of him leaving the courthouse when he does the Fat Albert impression? I have. It's a classic. I haven't seen that. It's fun. Can we pull that? It is bone chilling. He's still got it. Because it's more like what goes into the thought of deciding whether he's going to do it or not is...

I heard he booked a role of a sexy plane after this. Still got the voice down. This guy could get a cartoon. That's amazing. What happened in his mind right there? Yeah. Whoa. That's up there with the Kevin Spacey video. Remember that one? But was that a comic bombing who couldn't bomb?

I wouldn't call that a bomb. I just mean that like he couldn't walk by without making. Yes. Yeah. That's a comic. You know what I mean? That's like at the end of the day, you're like, my man. You know what I mean? Funny till the end. And he kept it clean. Yes. Still a clean joke. And gave. Yes. He gave hard. Yeah. The L4 got involved. That's good. The good thing about being a comic is Weinstein didn't have a moment like that. He just kind of sunk. Yeah.

Yeah, that's true. As a comic, you get that one last laugh. Yes. Good point. Good point. And it actually kind of broke my heart in this weird way or felt kind of poignant because it's like everyone, I don't know, we can always pretend we're okay. And there's something kind of private about it. I don't know. There's something kind of cool, really lonely about it. But I don't know. It's a force field. You have this defense mechanism at the end of the day. But I love the idea of him on the trial on the stand like, ooh, I'm going to do that when I get out of here.

The fact that everyone's so mad at him and he's like, how do I make all these people that already hate me laugh? Yes, exactly. Like, I don't even care that you hate me. I still want to make you laugh. Right. That's all.

Yeah, it's kind of brilliant. He turned a room. He did. I don't know about that. What's better than making someone that hates you laugh? That is nice. Almost better than someone that likes you. Yeah. One time I got my mom to laugh. There is something that you're right. I mean, it's like, it's just human nature. If you're hanging out with someone, you're like, I don't think this person likes me and you get them to laugh. That's nice. There is something about that. The involuntary thing is...

It's also, it's wild that our default is that people would pretend. Isn't that weird? But we do that.

Because we're the ones guilty of it. Like, people come up to us and are like, I saw this thing happen. They're like, that's funny, man. Good point. We're the ones that fake it the majority of the time. But what about the guy in the front row doing this shit? And you're like, you showed up. You bought a ticket. Why are you mad at me? Yeah. Yeah. That might just be them. That just might be how they are. Yeah, maybe. I remember there was a comic who passed away, William Stevenson. He was like the grumpiest guy on the planet. I loved him, but he was never in a good mood. And if you got him to laugh. Yeah.

Major night. That was nice. You know, something about people like that who are that. Because he meant it. He meant it. You know you really earned that laugh. You broke him out of this like grumpy funk. Yeah. You know the only thing about that that I feel like I have to contribute about the person in the front row, the guy that's like just staring, you won't laugh. Number one, I'll take anything above the girl who thinks you need a backup.

or like to repeat your, what you said. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I went down the street. Where'd you go? Down the street? Yeah, like, the girl that's like, yeah, so I'm going through a breakup. Oh, girl, I'm so sorry. Yeah, preach, preach. Anything's better than that. How about this guy? They don't laugh, they don't clap, they do this. Oh. Or by the way, true. Oh.

Like, yeah, bitch, I know. I know. It's worked out. Leave me alone. There you go. That guy's okay. And also, I think a lot of people get nervous when they're in the front row. Yes. And they're scared. And I never knew that until truly a couple days ago. I was at the comedy store and there was a guy that was sitting alone. And he wasn't laughing hard enough for everyone else really was. And I could only think about him and like...

I had to understand why he agreed with me that the jokes weren't that good. Everyone thought they were better than they were. And I was like, hey, what's your deal? And he just looked at me and he was just like, I'm nervous. Oh, wow. He just said it. Damn. I feel like a couple of years ago, nothing. He just was like, said his feelings. I was like, of course you are. Yeah. Trained ninjas are coming.

Exactly. With the intention of embarrassing you in front of a crowd. Totally. And we're the only art form, or whatever you want to call it, that people don't want the front row. Every music show, I got the best tickets. I'm in the front for this band or whatever. Broadway shows. I had a gig recently. There was like an old guy who was like, I don't want to sit in the front. The guy at the door was like, no one's going to make fun. He was like, please, I don't. He's like, no one's going to say anything. The second he sits down, the host goes, look at this old motherfucker. Oh!

Out of the gate. It's not even original. I know. Look how old this guy is. He's like, I am old. Fuck. I was at the Ice House once, and this is, I don't know what was going on with this night, but there was definitely some laziness going on in comedy. I don't know. I think it was just because there was like, remember when you were always doing showcases and whatever? Again, it's called Los Angeles. Yeah. All right.

That was the last one. City of Angels? And for whatever reason out of Pasadena, I think it was before sort of comics like us were really working out there. It was kind of like a random group that wasn't really in the comedy store in the improv circuit. And probably more people that did like, I don't know, like...

I was going to say ships, casinos and that kind of stuff. A little hackier. Yeah, or just whatever. Roadier. I was like the fourth or fifth person on and I'm like sitting watching the person in front of me and the comic goes, hey, so where are you from? A guy stood up in the middle of the audience and went, he's from Dallas. He's from Tampa. He's from Pasadena. Can you please

just tell some jokes. I kind of respect that. Damn. It was like, that's like one of those moments you witness in your life that changes you forever. I'll never do that again. That's when he gets on stage, he pushes you out of the way. He's like, I got this. Let me do it. I'm the comedian now. Hey, hey, hey. Like,

forever changed you. Yeah, yeah. Because everyone, no comic watches the other comic. So then you go up there and you go, I'll do some crowd work. It's always good to watch. Always. I know we all avoid watching comedy because you don't want to absorb shit. You don't want to repeat shit. But like, it is good to watch the comic before you just to see the room. Yeah. I love even being an audience member and watching crowd work.

unless it's like your hero right and like wildly just special for if you're headlining a show and doing crowd work it's very different than being on a showcase and doing crowd work a hundred percent it was people in a showcase and everyone's just like yeah why do i have to hear about where that part like yeah it's so insane when you think about how self-indulgent it is yes make me laugh i

bought a ticket. I want to hear some ideas, some jokes. And you're just like, look at this fucking shirt on the homo. Psychotic. I used to host at Caroline's. You know, I would host there and you did too. Oh, yeah. And you really...

you really i always avoided crowd work for me crowd work was like i'll do it if i have to but i would open with jokes and the jokes weren't hidden i'd talk a little to weave into the jokes but i'm like i'm the point guard here i'm setting up the show it's not my job to do crowd work not a lot of comics think like that and that's why you two are you because you know like you know i see so many super talented people that just didn't get what i think they wanted because they were really funny at crowd war like if you're really good at it it's

hard to follow your own crowd work with. Yeah, that's true. Jokes sometimes. That's true. You know, I'll have another one. I'll have another one. The worst one I ever saw was, this is at the Cellar, I won't say who it is. Oh, heck. But it was a lot of crowd work and he was doing well. He was killing, but he looked at a guy who wasn't laughing and he goes, what's your problem, man? And he goes, I'm just waiting for material. Oh. And the guy just sunk. He was crushed because it just cut him to the core and he wasn't trying to be mean. But here's the other thing I'll say. What?

Okay, do you feel there was material that just felt like it wasn't or did it feel like it was just like...

super self-indulgent. It felt pretty crowd, you know, this shirt, I'll talk slower. Where are you from? Jersey, you know, when it's great crowd work, it can be magical. It is like, especially when someone you know has already proven that they're great writers. And you're like, Oh, well, like the first time I saw Daniel Tosh do crowd work, I had like a different level just to respect for him because it's like his jokes were so tight or whatever. And I kind of, not that that's a bad thing. That's what I do too. You know, but I remember seeing him do crowd work. It's like,

it's even cooler. Yeah. Cause he's a great writer. Knowing that you could do it. This, the shortcut. Todd Barry's a great example. I mean, we always talk about like great, you know, crowd work, but Todd is great material. And then you see him do crowd work and you're like, Oh, it's in the rhythm of your act. This is like just watching your act. Right. He did a whole tour that was crowd work. That's right. A whole special. Yeah. Did you ever see the joke he used to do about Brad Pitt? So classic. Yeah. It's in his presents, right? Yes. Oh,

You've seen that. Dry to the bone. Dry to the bone. Yeah. Hanging off the bone. Todd is a classic. Hanging off the bone, I think it's called. What's going on with Tosh? He's like one of my favorites. He's like this most mysterious comedian. Thank you. Thank you, Jamie. This is delicious. He is kind of mysterious, isn't he? He...

That's so good. The cucumber makes this, by the way. Holy shit. It's like a margarita, but not too sugary. I love it. Right? You put a little mint in it. It's kind of like, I don't know. Are you close with Daniel Tosh? I'm not close with Daniel Tosh. No one is. No one is. I know him from back in the day. I thought Todd Glass was close. I thought someone like, or like someone. Swartzen, maybe. Swartzen.

- Sarah Tiana. - Oh, okay. - I think Candace Thompson maybe would go on the road with him. But yeah, I do know Sarah Tiana opens for him and she's like so normal and wonderful. Like he can't. - Sarah Tiana during the roast battle once said to me, I laugh at my own jokes and that it makes sense 'cause it looks like my eyebrows are high-fiving. - Ah, that's fun. - That's pretty good. - Eyebrows. - I am so into just savage insults right now that aren't even too well thought out.

Those are called slurs. The only way I can count. So I was like looking through, this was a while ago, like some Instagram like comment or something and someone just wrote like, fuck you, you cancer hooker. Whoa. And I literally like laughed out loud.

out loud. That's good. You're just throwing words together. That's a one-two. But it's just like an unexpected pairing. Yeah. It's so mean that it's not. Right, right. Swartz was on my podcast like a couple months ago and he was telling a story about Marin, which is so funny. He tells a story about how, you know, like when you do Mark Marin's podcast, like he always opens with how much he hates you. Yeah. And he was like, he was like, I know

that you know that happens with most people but like we were like roommates we've been like so close for like 20 years like we live together and he goes on marin's podcast and marin opens with i've always hated you man man and so it's like what wow what a piece of all those times we like went to love like years like years we lived like roommates i always hated you like it just

It was this hilarious story. I was just so excited to hear more that I was like, well, and then, and I sort of, I interrupted him. I was like, and then did you? And he was like, if you would let me finish. And then I was like, sorry, you're just taking forever. And he goes, sorry, I'm not an Adderall mannequin. Whoa.

Damn. That's great. Marin had a bit I loved where he, because it goes back to like we were talking about the crowd and just assuming they hate us and he had a bit, I think it was on one of his first albums where he saw this guy, some biker guy just like looking at him angry during every, he's killing for everyone but this one biker looking guy hates him. Yeah. This guy fucking hates Jews. Like he's an anti-Semite. I know what his head, he's like, fuck you Jew boy. And then he walks up to him after the show and the guy's wife is like, oh, you were so funny. And the guy, he goes, yeah, what do you think? And the guy's like,

great show and he goes shit that means that guy lives in my head that's such a relatable bit that's deep well that's all this guy is with the arms cross that's you yeah it's a mirror it's a mirror shock test it really is I know it validates every thought it's the insecure narcissism of like I'm a piece of shit in the center of the universe I heard you were a marion though I don't think he was he wasn't mean to you oh

Okay. No, I'm joking. No, it's merit has this ability. That was also so long ago that I'm sure I was not articulate or I was probably scared or blabbing, but I, I, merit has the ability to kind of like just destroy you with,

that's... It's devastating. Yeah. But not ostensibly hurtful to someone that's not in comedy. Yes. So... It's like a pinprick. But only comedians would get how mean it is. Yeah, exactly. He insulted me opening for him. I was opening from like probably...

11 or 12 years ago and I remember I wasn't doing great on one of the shows and I busted out some like offensive jokes to try to like be like fuck you yeah and we were in the car riding back and I was saying like I did that because I wasn't getting them and that's why I did that and he goes I know what you were doing oh fucking killed me oh

Just him saying, I know what you were doing. I was like, oh my. I was trying to explain it and he just was like, yeah. That is so married. He also called me a hide the Jew. He's like, you don't address that you're a Jew on stage enough. I don't get, what do you got to do? Go up there with a yarmulke? It's obvious. Yeah. We got it. Yeah. But then I saw him years later in Montreal and I said, I mention it more on stage now because of you and he goes, I got to you. He lives in your head.

- That's true. - So Marin, no, I did his show and we were talking about comedy and he was like, "So you write jokes,

I hate that shit. You know what I mean? This was also 10 years ago when I think I was definitely more... Punchy? Set up punch? Yes, there was no fat. And I really... It was all about showcasing the joke. And being a woman who was physical was kind of annoying to people. It was hard to have too much energy. So I think I was just trying to be less shrill or something. But yeah, he was like, so you write jokes.

Yeah. That's it. It's just like, oh. That's what he does too, I think. I think that's what we're all doing. I try to be funny. Remember Geraldo on Colin Quintana on Tough Crowd? Like, yes, I am here to make people laugh. Right. Sorry.

I know. I did the work. Excuse me. Sorry, you just like puns fall out of everyone else's mouths perfectly. In the early WTF days, it was scary to listen to that because he would be really mean to someone. That was the whole show was just that tension. That Dane Cook one was wild.

That was crazy. When he did the part two with Mencia where he's like, I wasn't mean enough. I'm going back for a second round. And I was like, holy shit. So uncomfortable. And comedians are like, Daddy, please make me go driving to Los Feliz to sit in his garage to get our spanking. I know. Then I compliment his house to hell and back. I'm like, oh, that's a nice painting there. Has anyone showed up in bondage? That should be what you do. I was so fucking allergic to his cats everywhere. Half

I'm like itching, swelling. He's like, did you fuck up your face with surgery? I'm like, I'm swelling from your 900 fucking cats. It's just so weird what comedians... He's giving you an allergic reaction and nagging you. Yeah. Boomer. And then... I do love the podcast, by the way. I do too. I'm proud to be on it. My mom will call me and be like, I just listened to a Marc Maron podcast and I was like, what do you think? She's like, he's just so neurotic and so unbearable. And I'm like, and she goes, and he's great. Yeah. Yeah.

It's addictive. It's addictive. I mean, Orny Adams was on recently. I was just going to say that. And it was, woo! It was like an old ep. Riveting. It was riveting. It was a great one. I got to listen to that one. It's fun. But I love an insult where someone doesn't even know it's an insult. Like, Jeremy Piven was on a show recently at the comedy store and Marc Maron went after him and went, keep it going for the actor. Oh.

Jesus Christ. See, now there's a part of me that's funny, but I'm also like, how come you get to be mean? Like, can we be mean to you? Because if we're mean to him, it turns into a whole thing and he fights back and he yells at you and I'm like, I'm just doing what you do. Yeah, yeah. I think the business was mean. Yeah, I don't know. I don't get that. I think that all comedians, I think we're fair.

for the most part, with each other. Like, you know, because a great comedian has to be self-aware. So if a comedian, if someone's, if we're like play fighting with each other or sparring with each other and someone really gets their feelings hurt, it's either I agree with it or it just wasn't funny enough. But I think if you're only sparring with people that are at the same level of your intelligence that you actually respect so it doesn't get...

Am I making any sense? It's got to be tit for tat. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But I put him up here. He's a guy, when I started, he was a big dude. Big influence for both of us. Big influence, big fan. Yeah. But then it's like the shitting on is fine. I'm all for ball busting, but he's one of those guys when you do it back...

all hell breaks loose. And I'm like, I'm just doing what you're doing. We're different generations. I mean, I do think there's a thing like when you did this podcast, I listened to you on him. He wasn't mean to you. I think that when there's a generation removed with him, it's different than when it's someone he came up with. That's when he, those were the people he's mean to, I think. Yeah. So I do think there is like, what now, bitch? Right. It's kind of like that in a way, which by the way, I,

I mean, think about it. Like if that dynamic is any, cause it's like he was the one that was sort of too edgy for network or not sort of doing the bullshit required to sanitize himself or not the, you know, whatever the cartoon, like sick, perfect Paragon of like whatever. And then all of a sudden sitcom start dying and then he's doing what everyone else thinks is a plan B and it becomes the biggest thing. Yep.

And then they're groveling to be on his show. Right. It'd be very hard to resist being a little. For sure. That's true. No, that's a good point. That's true. I remember when he did. Think about all his friends that didn't hire him. Yeah. For sitcom parts and writer's rooms. Like, think about all the people. He was an almost famous. Yeah.

Do you remember the Chevy Chase roast? Where like Chevy Chase, I don't know if you guys remember this, but none of his friends show up. Todd Barry was there. Todd Barry was great. But apparently everyone bombed. That's why everyone said it's like two and a half minutes if you watch the actual roast. But I remember Marin had a joke at the roast where he said, I heard Chevy Chase saying, who are all these nobodies? He goes, yeah, we're nobodies at the beginning of our careers. Oh, yeah.

I was like, that's a fucking biting joke. Jesus. That hurts me so much because Chevy Chase, like, God, like Three Amigos was my. We were just talking about it. I love that movie. It's Tropic Thunder, pre-Tropic Thunder. It's my. I mean, every time I go out to eat, it's like everyone around me. Do you guys have anything besides Mexican food? I acted out. My dad, when he picked me up from school, would hide behind a car and go, look up here. Look up.

It's a sweater. I know the whole movie. So very old. Yeah. Yeah. The little plane with the balls. Yeah. So we were in in famous. We were just talking. Are there any like bad movies that you love?

Like a critically just destroyed movie. Anything, ever. Guilty pleasure shit. Can I tell you something? Yeah. MacGruber. That's a great movie. Excellent. Well, I guess it didn't do well. But it's a great movie. That's true. Excellent. That's like the hardest I've laughed. Have you seen that? I've never seen it. Dude. Everyone I like likes it. Jamie? It's so funny. It's amazing. It is so funny. Can I tell you what else is funny? Hit me.

I'm thinking about it and laughing because one time I was in LA Fitness and it was on the TV and I had to step off the elliptical. Damn. The sound was off. This is, you guys are going to hate me. Two girls, one cup. Hallblart Mall Cup. Oh.

I've never seen it. It sounds off. I mean, Kevin James is an amazing physical actor. I don't know if I just had low blood sugar, but him, like, falling off the fucking little scooter thing. Yeah, what do you call that? He's a brilliant physical comedian. Yeah. Have you ever seen the... My favorite thing of all time is...

John Ritter trying to get in a hammock. Have you seen this YouTube video? Oh, yes, yes. Of him. It's like three minutes of him trying to get in a hammock. Gold. And it's genius. I've never seen it. Can you just do... Pull it. Yeah, John Ritter. There we go. And you're like, oh, I know what this is going to be. This is not going to get me. It's... God damn it. It is so stupid. Oh, I can't wait. I haven't seen this in years. But try to predict what he's going to do. It's everything is...

Like the first one you thought would be kind of subtle, right? Yeah. He went so hard on the first one. Like everything defies what you think. I love the idea of him practicing this off screen. Like, all right, this is what I'm going to do first. How much do you think he practiced? Because we've all been there with a hammock. I know, but his face. It's just like, it is so stupid.

That's a throwback, too, to like Vaudeville. It goes on and on, by the way. It goes on for like seven minutes or something. That was network television. Yeah. Back in the day. That was a good time. Yes. Can I tell you? I remember...

Who are they? Jackie and what were they? No, fuck. That's Roseanne. Suzanne Somers. No, Janet. And Chrissy. And Chrissy. Yeah. You talking about the Laverne and Shirley? Oh, Three's Company. Yeah, sorry. Yeah. Yeah, Suzanne Somers. Suzanne Somers. And Suzanne Somers, she was like the first actress, right, that was replaced on TV by another actress. The character was and like we just went along with it. We just went along with like Aunt Viv. Can you imagine doing that in a show today? Yeah.

Just don't acknowledge. What's the last show to do that? The Breaking Bad Wife is different. Roseanne Becky. Oh, yeah. You wrote, didn't you write for the first season? I wrote for the reboot. The reboot. That's crazy. That was a huge show. It was a huge hit until it went away. Yeah, I mean, I really had like high hopes for it. You know, Roseanne growing up was my hero. Like,

you know, that show made me want to be a comedian girl or not, you know? And I remember like growing up, like I was always, I think there's something about, I know you guys like are really self-aware about like anxiety and stress. And like, I know, I don't know what,

is right for everyone. I don't know how to feel good all the time. I do know that when I can see things that reflect my reality, I feel calmer. And I remember like when I was a kid, I was always like a super anxious kid and super obsessive. And I remember the first time I watched Roseanne, the living room, I was like, that's what my house looks like. Right.

Right. It was just something of like, cause you know, you always want to know if you're normal. Yes. Yes, exactly. Back then there wasn't like any other way to know. And you would just watch TV and it was like 90210 and all these crazy things. And then I saw Rosanna. I was like, Oh, I'm, it's like when you first see other guys' dicks and you're like, okay, my dick's fine. Like,

Or you see another vagina, you look like, my vagina's not weird. I still don't feel that way. But I know what you mean. But yeah, look at that. That's like a Midwestern living room. Yeah. That's an American household. Married with Children came out at the same time. I was always more of a Married with Children guy, personally. Yeah, same. Dude, can I tell you something? Al Bundy was just the truth. Dude, my hero. I loved him. With

the Tang. Remember he would always make Tang sandwiches? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That show actually now is probably even funnier. I've been re-watching it. It's on Hulu. Really? Yeah, I need a comfort show before bed, so I watch something light. It's so...

And I'm not this person. Marcy is so funny, too. I mean, it's great. Dude, she's like, and all he does is call her ugly. Yeah. And she directed like every episode, if you will. He makes jokes that she has like a dry pussy and she's unfuckable. It is like the most hilariously like sexist show. Oh, yeah. Completely. In a way that's like. No ma'am. No man has ever been. Right. Right. Men are like, this is rough. I know. My dad hated it. But she was the first Karen. That was a Karen on TV. It was Darcy. Oh, no. Marcy Darcy. Not I. Marcy. Oh.

Oh, yeah. And then Christina Applegate was the daughter. The daughter. The slutty daughter. And David Faustino was the kid. They're all great. He worked at a shoe store. Katie Segal. Yeah. Katie Segal. Katie Segal is brilliant. She's beautiful. It's so funny that he's annoyed that she wants to fuck him all the time. I'm like, she's hot. She's pretty hot. That to me was hilarious too. Also, the fact that she's like... I know. I know. The fact that...

The fact that it was like, what's your acting choice? Like, I'm just going to be a T-Rex. Like, did she do this? Did she do this in the pilot and then had to commit to it? Like, how did this? It's amazing. Speaking of flipping, they got rid of the neighbor guy. Right. That's another flip. But I think the second guy is better. Jefferson. Yes. Ted McGinley. McGinley. Oh.

That's right. I think that guy was too Jewish, they said. Really? Yeah. No way. That's what I heard. That's what my dad said. Wow. I take back saying he's better. Fuck that shit. Look at her. Were you...

Do you still talk to Roseanne? I remember meeting her briefly and being like, she's fucking Roseanne. She's Roseanne. She's a little out to lunch. She is literally like... We would do auditions to try to cast the girl that was going to play Darlene's daughter, Darlene and David's daughter. We had these actresses come in and we were like, oh, let's have Roseanne read with the actresses, you know? Like, see their chemistry. And we had to stop because everyone was laughing so hard at Roseanne. Like, her lines were like, hey, where have you been? And she was like, hey, we were...

Really? I mean, crying. Wow. Crying, laughing. Like, she is so funny that it's like, it's, like, people also, not only is she so funny that it's disarming, she like, I can't explain it, she brings out everyone's like five-year-old because whether it's like,

she's been so famous for so long or she's just this like has so much space in your head that she's occupied for or it's just that her energy is actually really intense. Yes. Yes. In a way that's not mean. It's just fierce. It's funny you say that because she was on that show The Green Room and her and Patrice are like bonding and Patrice is you know terrifying and mean to everybody and they bond and it's these two intense people and it was wild to watch. It's a great episode. That was a great episode. I remember that. It's like two

whatever, who's the top of the food chain? Two hyenas being like, God, it's exhausting having a girl. Yes, yes, exactly. When you meet someone that's at your level and you're like, God, it's so exhausting having everyone be so scared of us just because we're smarter than them. Right, right, right. I remember in Dangerfield's book, he would just talk about getting fucked up with her and going, getting Chinese food in like Midtown at like 2 a.m. Wow. And they're like, yeah, we both like to eat. Yeah. That was the whole thing. You're like, that's amazing. Like, that's...

those two she's been around long enough that she like kicked it with rodney oh yeah she was on the special the young but they were but a lot of people were they weren't all close to that true yeah you know so when we were on the um show there was like people would just like disassociate they go they do time travel when they were around her like do you know anyone that maybe it's because they're so famous or revered like

The way people behave around the person, you just see them all change. Sure. Either they start being unctuous or, you know, nervous. Oh, yeah. Like when I did not do this joke in any specials because I know it'll get me canceled and get ready for someone to say, probably take this down at some point. Bring it on. But when I dated the black guy and all my friends, when they would come around him, all of a sudden they would just be like that.

And I've known these people for 10 years and they're all of a sudden like talking like this and like, yeah, yeah. Bouncing. And I was just like, I've never seen this behavior. Like you are, no wonder you think white people are such dorks. Right. I swear they don't do that all the time. You know, that's hilarious. I had a black guy once say, I like you cause you stay white.

I didn't know what that meant, but I was like, all right. Exactly. Yeah. Why are you bobbing and weaving? I know. And they overdo the hand thing. Watching one of my friends in slow motion. Oh, yeah. Are they going to do this one and that one? Which one is it? Everyone gets so clumsy around Roseanne. People just get clumsy and nervous. Myself included the first couple times I saw her. But as soon as she talks to you like a comic, she wants you to feel like equals to her. It goes away real fast.

But she asked this intern or some paid intern for, she was like, oh, I'll have a coffee. And the intern was like, do you want some sugar? She's like, yeah, just what kind of sugar? She's like, what kind of sugar? She's like, just any kind of sugar. The girl comes back. He accidentally put Ambien in it. I don't know.

I didn't know the bitch was black. I thought the bitch was white. The intern came back shaking, holding a handful of sugar. Oh, wow. And a cup. And I just like looked over and I caught it and I was like, all right, sweetie, let's just bat like,

back up. Yeah, yeah. Like, she was just, like, had taken sugar, poured it in her hand. Wow. Just a panic moment. And just kept moving. Right. I mean, that's some kind of, like, offline trigger of a trauma response. Yeah, I'm just upset you dated a black guy. But, uh...

I remember what you're talking about with like, I remember I used to have a sports show and we went down to interview basketball players. And when Allen Iverson walked into a room, I've never seen adult men just fucking go like, people worship Allen Iverson. Like his vibe is so...

It's like that Jordan thing where people are like, it's fucking Iverson, dude. Yes. There's also something about athletes where they're this precious, they're these like Adonis, very fragile things. Like I find that the guys that I know and that I've dated that really follow sports, like they really worry about their athletes' bodies. Tom Brady. They're like, what the hell? He's not even that buff. He's so,

Like when I... Like Blake Griffin and I did some of the other and whenever we go out in public, people are like, dude, what are you doing out, man? You should be sleeping. You know, what are you doing? What are you... And they're like, you know, what's up with the knees? The knee... Where's the brace? Like they're very... See, we're shallow with men too. It's not just women. Is that Tom Brady? That's what I'm saying. He's not even like shredded. Yeah, but he has like a weird diet where like his body doesn't look right. But for some reason, I mean, it's kept him working. Obviously, he's killing it. Is he...

Heavy or is she just that thin? No, he's not heavy. He's just a little non-defined. When you're a quarterback, you need a little meat on you. You don't want to look like us. You need something. But he's got no diff. Can I ask you just Tom Brady-wise, what makes him so great? Is it...

Something that can be learned. That's the focus. He has that position. It cannot be learned. It's like, what's inherent talent and what's... Well, he was like a six-round draft pick, I think, right? Or fifth? What was it? It was late. And then he was a late pick. I mean, that's the pick from the draft combine. Look at that.

And then what happened was he... Looks like a porn audition. Drew Bledsoe was a franchise quarterback. He just got paid for the Patriots, and he goes down. So Brady subs in, and they win the Super Bowl. And that's how he rose to fame. But they were a defense first. He wasn't this great quarterback yet. People were like, oh, they're a great defense. I think I can answer your question. Yeah. Okay. So I heard... I was giving a long version. I heard a center...

be interviewed once. Yeah. The guy who snaps him the ball. And he said, I've been playing in the league 10 different teams or whatever. And no one ever spoke to me. You know, because my job is just hand the ball to the quarterback. And we're all in the huddle and every down, every time he gives us a play and he looks at me and he says, perfect snap.

Ooh. No one ever addressed me before. Communication. Yeah. So Tom's gay. He took everyone out to dinner. He treated everyone well. But my point was he was the beneficiary of a ready, built, perfect team.

And he wrote, it's like almost a comic who got gifted a great career, but then was also great. It's almost like a guy who was doing comedy for very briefly. You know what else? Sorry. It's almost like, not that this is what happened. Like Tony Hawk, his dad just happened to run Thrasher Magazine. What? I don't think that's true. Help me.

Give it a goog. Sorry. I don't think that's true, but his dad was very supportive. A dad-dad goog? Not with me in the room. Duck, duck, go, please. Mark's a big Tony Hawk guy. His dad was very supportive, and Tony Hawk said it bothered him how supportive his dad was. I think he worked at Thrasher Magazine or something. Yeah.

Maybe. Because he was, there was a little bit of like, Tony Hawk, like, was like, when I was getting big, people were kind of like, oh, it's because of his dad. It's like, my dad can't help me do a flip. I think you're thinking of Mike Birbiglia, his sister worked for Comedy Central. Yeah.

Is that true? Yeah, but that's a joke. But she did. But that's how petty comics are. Like, well, you know, his sister works for Comedy Central. That's how he got everything. But he had funny jokes. Well, end of point, he was built into a good situation, but then he still was great. I mean, he also had the best coach in NFL history, Bill Belichick.

But then he left and won with the Bucs. I mean, Brady's the GOAT. I mean, I hate saying the word the GOAT, but he's the GOAT. Yeah, he's good. Gwyneth Paltrow, her dad was Hollywood royalty. You know who... Blythe Dana was her mom. You know who came to... You know I just learned eight months ago that Nicolas Cage and Jason Schwartzman are related? Coppola. The Coppola connection, right? Ugh.

We want Nicolas Cage. Can Nicolas Cage come on here? I know we're telling you to harass Charlie Sheen to come on here, but we want Nicolas Cage on this spot. Yeah, I can help out. Really? A friend of mine did that movie with him. Are you serious? Yeah, the one that was just the spectacular talent. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard it's amazing. Massive weight of talent. Did you watch it? No, I'm dying to see it.

see it it looks amazing but really quick what was I just about to say about Tony Hawk Jason Schwartz no right oh right before it Schwartz when you're a pod with Whitney you need someone to like feed you where you were guess who just came to one of my show in West Hampton who Mike Tomlin

- Whoa, the coach? - It was a big deal. - Steelers? - Yeah. - You know how you'll do a show and you don't know there's someone important there, but the vibe's weird, and then someone tells you later? - Yes. - One time I was in Spokane and I did 20 minutes on the meth problem there, and it was awkward. I was like, "Okay, I'm being too hard on them." And afterwards they're like, "The mayor was here. "We're so glad you said all that. "She really needed to hear it." I was like, "Can you guys

told me that? Right. So it was like, the room was just so awkward and Mike Tomlin was, it's just everyone, well, I don't know if it was because he was black or because he was Mike Tomlin, but it could go either way. The Hamptons, yeah. But there's a weird, there's a being around. There's an energy. Yeah, being around athletes, people act wild, but being around coaches is like, it's like being around the Pope. Interesting. People are,

Freak out. Right. I did the garden once with Schumer. Madonna is there. Yeah. And I'm not like a Madonna head, but it's still fucking Madonna. Yeah. Icon. That's Madonna. And she did five minutes. And it was horrible. And I was like, all right, I'm back. So you said Madonna did five minutes on Amy's show. Yes. Wait, Madonna did five minutes. What I'm saying is Madonna. It was mostly where you're from, that type of shit. Yeah. Madonna was up here. Oh, like doing stand-up as like a joke. But she did a set. No, I think she was trying it for me. She did Fallon, too. And she did a set. And I was like, fuck.

Ah, she sucks. Before or after? You know, before. She went on, Madonna opened for you? Oh, yeah. And she looked great, by the way. Her ass was amazing. I remember. Of course. Did you talk to her backstage? Was she like, oh, I'm doing Sarah for the first time? No, no. She gave me one of these. What? No, I'm joking. But I knew not to bother her. I just left her alone. But it was still pretty cool. Sometimes people like that, no one ever bothers. It's like why guys should always hit on the hot chick because no one.

everyone thinks they can't. One time I was at some event for like an agency or something, one of those parties that I'm like, why am I here? I'm not nominated. Like my agents think I'm Amanda Peet. Like why am I here? And like people keep confusing me for other people. And Angelina Jolie was there. I've never seen her in person. I've never heard of anyone running into her. She was there. It was like back in the day when she was with Brad Pitt. And she was sitting alone for three hours. Three hours. And up

and she was kind of looking around. It was like the year she wore the white and like a red because I just remember looking at her and being like, oh, she looks like she's in a different era. Yeah. She looks like she's like from Olympus. Right, right. Totally. So I kept thinking I had a weird edible or something, but she was, no one said hi. Not one person. Wow, that's fascinating. Famous people walked in.

walked out yeah because I think it's like she's so intimidating and I remember being like I felt bad for her I felt you know when you see a Roomba get stuck under a couch you have like a weird like sadness I was so worried you were gonna make the story as you the hot chick I was like oh okay what did you talk to her no I just I kept checking in cause I was like should I go like say hi like I

you know, I don't know. Yeah, she probably was bored. Can I bring you a coffee with a handful of sugar or something? Can I do? The dart hits me in the neck. Yeah, so it was, I don't think there was like ill will. It's just like she was looking around like just hoping something was high. I think you're right. That's probably why she has 19 adopted kids. It was, she has to buy them. She has to trap

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All right. I hope I got that right. Yeah, it's go.factor75.com slash drunk130. Thank you. I brought things that annoy me. Oh, we love you. Look at you with your homework. And the listeners will love you. Man, you see? Peeves. I have some very specific peeves. I'm excited. Wait, we got to ask you some advice later when you're done. Because you've sold movies, right? Yes. We're trying to write a movie, and we don't know what the hell...

To do. Yeah. You want to sell the movie or you want to write it first? Well, we're going to write it because there's no raunchy comedies anymore because everyone's too scared. Yes. So we're like, fuck it, we're going to write one. Are you going to make one with Ben Shapiro? Yes. It's a Daily Wire exclusive. Alex Jones is the lead. I'm sure Jamie Kennedy's available. Is Jamie Kennedy a Daily Wire guy? I know because I thought I texted it to myself and I forgot it. This is embarrassing. No, but like, didn't he do one of those movies? Yes.

No. Jamie Kennedy? I wouldn't be surprised. Will you look up Jamie Kennedy? Didn't he do a movie where they hunt humans at a fake Mar-a-Lago or something? He did Malibu's Most Wanted. He did Scream. He did Heckler.

Scream's still great. Still great. Scream still holds up. He was a comedic relief. That opening scene with Drew Barrymore is so gnarly. I love it. It's great. I'm in the house. It is so well done. Yeah. It is stressful every time. Yeah, and she looked great in it. Well, the fact that she's on the cover, too, and then she gets murdered in the first scene, you're like, what? Yes, there's something.

like wild. Remember how shocking that was? Oh, that was big. But it still had like a lightness and tongue-in-cheek to it, too. When's the last time in a movie you went like...

I don't like horror normally, so that's why Scream really sticks out to me. It's just such a good movie. Do you see Saw in the theaters? I hate that type of shit. Do you like those? No, I don't find it fun. I know people that love horror. I hate it. It's like magic. I don't like magic. I don't find being scared to be exciting. I'm with you. Thrillers I'm okay with, but just fear. I don't like...

- Can I ask you a question? Are you the kind of person where after you get scared, you get mad?

That's my favorite. You know when people are like, what the fuck, man? I'm so embarrassed. I don't love magic, but I do love watching black people watch magic. That should be its own genre. Well, they don't let them in, Hermosa Comedians. All right. What is it? Oh, should I read some of them? Yeah, some peeves. Hit us, sister. I put some down. This is the most organized guest we've ever had. I have like...

I have like been talking for, if I'm not making any sense, please tell me. No, this is killer. I've been talking for two days straight and now it actually matters. People who as soon as they get there tell you they can't stay long? Ah,

That's a great one. And they spend the whole time telling everyone they can't stay long. Yes. So everyone's like, oh, like has to rush for that. Yes. We get it. Your presence is a gift. We get it. I can't stay long. I'm just stopping by. First up, two seconds. It's a cameo. You're lucky I'm here. Anyway, and then they're there for four and a half hours and they won't leave. It's like the guy who goes, I got to get up early. And you go, okay, I'll switch with you. And then he stays the whole night. You're like, what the fuck was that? Yeah. Hate that guy. No one's counting how long you're here. No. No.

Just get in and get out. Do an Irish goodbye if you have to. Good one. That's a good peeve. What's your birthday? August 29th. August 1st! That's a good one, too. Like, trying too hard to bond. Right, right. You know? That's a great one. So you have to be like, yeah! Leo, huh?

- You a Leo? - Virgo. - Virgo, oh me too. - Me too. - Look at us bonding. - That's weird. - Wow. - You guys are Virgos? - This makes so much sense actually. - I knew it. - We're such like autistic weirdos. Okay.

People who carry around a giant hydro flask to show moral superiority. Just that they're better hydrated, you mean? No, it's like I'm not using a plastic water bottle. I have a hydro flask. But they leave it everywhere. So everyone's just trying to get it back to them most of the time.

Yeah. Right. You know the one that's like a refillable water bottle. Yeah, yeah, right. And it's like stickers on it. But also there's the hydration element where you're like, you're better. Mark and I don't hydrate. We don't drink enough water. But then they'll open it and they're like, you know, it's like a thermos. Like you can't even, like you've never used that before. I had a woman stay at my place once. She left a giant water bottle there. Then she came back to get it and she just didn't take it. Oh.

So it's like, oh, you're just rubbing this in. Yeah. People will bring their Hydro Flask because they're so much better than you. And then everyone's just like, did you get it? Did they get it back to you? And some of the dudes have these sucky things on it that really grosses me out. They're like, good point.

All right. All right. Get something while you pour it into your mouth. They're just like on a baby dip. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. You did that like one beat. One beat too long. That'll be like a gif. Like that last one was for you. Yeah.

I had to make him finish. You could have done two. You chose to do three. That was just cool. These are good peers, Whitney. Okay, people who post Instagram stories, like post about things, and you're like, guys, this is not sponsored. This is not an ad. It's just how much I love this product. I'm not getting paid for this. And the product is something that no one would ever, they would never hire people or need to promote. You guys...

There's this, it's called Vicks VapoRum. Not an ad. It's not an ad. I just like for the, like, they're not, you know, they're fine without you. We've heard of it. Yeah. It's like the Got Milk ad. We all know about milk. It's a little Goldman joke. People who sit through the specials at a restaurant as if they're watching Macbeth. Like as if they're more educated than you if they listen to it all. Right. Reduction. By the way, this is me watching Macbeth. Yeah.

No, but like, I mean more like how serious they take it because of their culinary expertise. Like, just putting this guy through a nightmare. I will call the special. I'll be like, we're good. Yeah. I can't watch him do it. I can't either. You've already made the decision. I already know. I'm not going to put you through this. If they're there, you've chosen. Yeah. It's really just a test. It's going, can you, do you have it down? Right. Do you have it down? That's exactly right. Let's see. Let's see if you fuck up.

And so, yeah, when people are like sadistic with waiters. Quick side question, Whitney. What's your go-to cuisine? Because I feel like you eat well. Okay, yeah. A go-to cuisine, like if I'm going to make it or if I'm going to just like order something. If I'm going to make it, I really try to go healthy because I'm like not like an amazing cook anyway. And it's point like I'll just do like quinoa pasta and like.

healthy tomato sauce and vegetables. Like, I try to do that as much as possible. Yeah. But let's see. In LA, it's easy. Go on out to eat. Oh, okay. Thai food. Any choice. Thai. Thai. Really? What's a good spot in LA? Uh,

I don't know what mine is. It's just like Woodland Hills Thai. It's like some shit, like mini mall. I feel like sometimes Thai, like not the worst it is, the better it is, but the smaller the rush, like the hole in the walls, I feel like are always better. You want like a takeout spot. Purple Jasmine, I think. Yeah. Actually, when Giannis came, he stayed with me and we ordered Greek food. And he's like, let's see if Greek food's any good around here. It turns out like the best Greek place in Southern California is in Tarzana, which is kind of close to me. So it was like, it was unbelievable.

Because a lot of times out there, you can get really great food. It's just not going to be like in Hollywood. Right, right. It's going to be like actually from an immigrant. Yes, yes. You want some real Greeks. Yeah. Can I throw in a peeve? Yes. Well, before we get back, how about this guy? Something weird happens like at a restaurant or a party goes...

I guess I'm getting punked. You're not getting punked. You're not famous. No one cares about you. No one made an elaborate ruse. How about this? I was on punked. Oh, were you really? Everyone said that to me for literally...

Eight years of my life. I'd be like running 10 minutes. Am I getting punked? I'm like, you're not getting punked. You're not a celebrity. I'm not like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't know you were on there. Yeah, that was like my I did the season that was the season after he like pretended it was canceled. Right, right. How hot is Ashton, huh?

He's really hot. Yeah, he's a good looking man. He's handsome in a way that's kind of hilarious. Oh, really? Very. And very smart. He's like a very smart business brain. I've heard that, yeah. Well, Mila Kunis, can't go wrong there. She is so awesome. Yeah, she seems cool. She likes comedy. She's in Ukraine. She's what? She's Ukrainian. Oh, I didn't know that. I think, yeah. It's so funny that she's just one of the voices in Family Guy.

Like what a sweet little gig that is. That's so cool. I love stuff like that. I love like weird money. Like Hank Azaria. I've hit him up twice to come on here and he hasn't responded to the email. He's so much money. We want you. Dude, I've been watching Brockmire. That's a great fucking show. Dude, I am such a big Hank Azaria fan, dude. He did a movie called about John Abnett directed it.

It was about basically John Avnett who did Fried Green Tomatoes, The Burning Bed. Oh, wow. Stuff in like, oh, God, that's embarrassing. Look how little. This is embarrassing. Oh, wow. It's to the left right there. That was it. Yeah. Remember it would come up there? Oh, yeah. Nice. Wow.

Wait, where are you from? D.C., Virginia. Oh, okay. Wow. Look at that. Yeah. That was, what, 2004? What's the movie you're talking about? That's a big break. That was a huge show. I mean, on MTV at the time, that was like kind of... That was the show. Is MTV still a thing? No. No. Kind of. That's crazy. I think it's got like shows that I guess people maybe watch on like apps. Right. Like reality shows or not. Geico. Catfish. That was big, right? Yeah. Maybe that. MTV Studios.

I couldn't tell you where Comedy Central or MTV is. Oh, The Birdcage? That's a great movie. Oh, what movie were you talking about? The Hank Azaria movie. Okay, no. It was about the Holocaust and basically John Avnet, it's a comedy, John Avnet was annoyed that no one was making movies about the Jewish people that fought back. Of course, they didn't survive. I like that. But there were, the uprising. It was about the uprising. So no one ever talked about the Jewish people that fought back. Yeah. The narrative is they just, you know,

Went along with it, just were submissive. And there were many, many that fought back knowing they were going to die. And it's a movie about a couple of those stories. Is it comedy? No, no, no. It's a drama. Like David Schwimmer's in it. Hank Azaria. It's really amazing. All right. It's a drama. But it is interesting that basically they just never depicted Jews fighting back. That's a good point. Yeah. Somebody must have. You know.

Yeah, it's hard. I mean, it just doesn't sound relatable to me. I don't see a lot of diversity. I feel like we should cancel it. No, I love Hank Azaria. I mean, shit, we want him on this pod. My other favorite is like Jennifer Tilly. You know, the actress Jennifer Tilly.

Liar, liar. Come on. She divorced Sam Simon. And in the divorce, he was working on. Stupid money. Simpsons. He was working on The Simpsons. And he was like, I don't have anything. Like to the lawyer. He was like, this stupid pilot I just did. Like she could have all my points on this stupid pilot. Fine. Whoa. Holy shit. She advised him against the show.

She's like, it's terrible, don't do it. Wow. And she still gets half of that money. Wow. And he gave it to her as like a fuck you. Yeah, that's amazing. Apparently she actually just got married to the guy who made Squid Games and they're going through a divorce. Same shit. I don't know. No, that's crazy. I love stuff like that. I do too. I love like Demi Moore produced Austin Powers. What? Sandra Bullock, George Lopez.

Really? Austin Powers holds up hard. I saw that in the theater. It's amazing. So hard. It's so good. So dumb. They made three of them.

It was great. But the first one is a masterpiece. A masterpiece. Mike, what happened to Mike Myers? Colin Quinn was supposed to be Seth Green. That's right. What? Yeah, because Mike Myers, Colin Quinn did a character on Larry Sanders when he plays Rip Torn's spoiled son. And Mike Myers saw it and was like, you need to be this character. And Colin's like, I got my own shit cooking around. I don't want to do it. And they gave it to Seth Green. Isn't that weird when you can't picture anyone else? Like Million Dollar Baby was originally Sandra Bullock.

Whoa. You know, it's like the people that fell out. Yeah. You're like, you can't picture it with the person. Neo was supposed to be Will Smith. Yeah. He said, no dice. He's like, I don't get it. Keanu Reeves was actually supposed to slap Chris Rock. Crazy. I heard it was supposed to be Alec Baldwin dodged a bullet. Hey! There we go. Do you know Alec Baldwin? You know him a little bit. Yeah. I mean, we did, I did, we did a, I was going to play his daughter at a TV show. Really? Yeah, like four years ago. Was he going to call you a piggy? Yeah.

Was he cool? That is the funniest thing to call someone. That is so funny. I was dating this guy that we, it was a very toxic relationship. Yeah. He was older. He had a kid. And, you know, when you're dating like an older, like that's the older guy that I've dated. And when you think that they've done everything sexually, there's this freedom to not try to impress. There's nothing they haven't seen. He's seen childbirth. Right, right. There's something liberating. Like you've seen cellulite. You've seen hemorrhoids. Like you've seen it up pubes. Yeah. You just want to fuck.

You can't see. And there's a freedom to that. And so we had this very funny sex life that was more about just making each other laugh than his dick was dead by this point. And so he had fucked everyone, literally everyone in Hollywood. That's the face his dick was making right there. We'd go to parties. We'd go to parties. I'd be like, her too. Ugh, Bill.

- Oh really? - You drive by a guest billboard, I'd be like, "Her too!" - Wow. - But it was like, you know, there's a liberty in that. - Yes, yes. - You know you're not gonna be this person's best. - Yes. - They've seen it all. And so one time we were just dying laughing and I was like, "Okay, one time during sex, "I want you to call me a pig."

But don't, like, tell me. Don't, like, just don't tell me when. Don't warn me. Three months later, I've totally forgot. We, like, had a couple of drinks. Totally forgot about it. And he was just like, take it, you little pig. And we laughed for, like, two days. That's great. It was so funny. I don't think Armie Hammer did that. In three months, I want you to bite my wrist.

Armie Hammer on the phone with his agent. Am I getting punked right now? This is crazy. Oh, here it is. One of my shelves will fall on this ground at a specific time.

When the time comes for me to make the phone call, I stop whatever I'm doing, and I go when I make that phone call. I stop match games. At 11 o'clock in the morning in New York, and if you don't pick up the phone at 10 o'clock at night, you don't even have that goddamn phone turned on. I want you to know something, okay? I'm tired of playing this game with you. I'm leaving this message with you to tell you, you have been so mean for the last time.

Is this Alec Baldwin's Tim Dillon impression? For SNL? I don't give a damn.

I hear this and I'm just thinking, he's a damn good actor. Like the delivery's on point. Every word is very decisive. Same thing with Mel Gibson. Yes. My Lakers ticket. Yeah. The Jew. He was like Macbeth. Yeah, it was beautiful. Have you gotten into the wormhole at all of celebrity like actor auditions that have been leaked? Oh, no. No, I've seen a few. Have you seen the Chris Klein Mamma Mia one? No. What? What?

From like American Pie? Yeah. Oh, wow. Oh, the good looking guy. Yeah. He was the jock. He was in Election. Remember that movie? Great movie. It's a great movie. This is for Mamma Mia. Yeah. This is rough. Yeah. Jeez. See, this is humiliating. If they ever get mine out, I'm like, this is going to be the worst. Can we make it big? Yeah. I feel for the guy already.

Hey, by the way, you guys have Mandy Morin here? She is an angel of all angels. I don't know if you guys saw American Dreams that her and I did together.

Where I do sing, hopefully better here than I did up there. That was acting. This may be slight singing, but she is just a dream come true. You should hire her on the spot. She's amazing. Anyway, that's my own personal I love Mandy Moore scenario. Let's go. Before I embarrass myself further. All right, here we go. Here we go.

Handsome guy. I wasn't jealous before we met. Now every man that I see is a potential friend. All right, all right. Cut it, cut it. I'd rather watch an ISIS video. Jesus Christ. What? It is so ridiculous. That was brutal.

Brutal. What are our most embarrassing things out there? I feel like I definitely did Last Comic driving. What? It was like a spinoff that NBC did as like an ad for Last Comic Standing. We talked in our last episode or recent whenever we talked about it. America's Got Talent was pretty rough. That was a pretty rough look.

See, I never saw you on there. Really? He did well, but it's just they treat you so demoralizing. There's still clips where you're like, ugh. Yeah, yeah. You know, any reality show is the worst.

TV thing probably. What do you think, Mark? Yeah. You did Last Comic. That was fucking rough. It was pretty bad. Pretty bad. You try to churn up a story like, oh, my mom's got cancer. And they're like, really? You're like, nah, nah. Last Comic driving just you in a car doing material? It was like a promo. It was something that was just so weirdly disrespectful. I don't remember. Desperate. I'm just thinking about it.

things that were like, oh, we'll just do this. It's just going to air once and go away. Yeah. You know, like those little things. When there was a comedy club on 14th Street, remember comics with an X? Yeah, they had Voss water bottles. And I remember going, they are not going to make it. They were actually just Rich Voss' saliva. That's all it was. He's 23 and we're dead. When you opened it, it said, your pussy's loose.

but, uh, I did the impractical jokers cruise with rich boss and it was a bunch of comics in there. Ari, Tim Dillon, a lot of really funny comics are on there. Giannis, uh,

Yamanika, great bunch of people. But I remember someone came up to me after the show and they go, you were my favorite. And Rich Voss overhears it and goes, oh yeah, well your friend is prettier than you. He's just got like 36 years of those locked and loaded. I know, right? He's so good at the counterpoint. He's the king. It's so simple. I remember one time Dice came on at the Comedy Store. This must have been like six years or seven years ago. And he went on Mondays as like...

pop in at like 10 o'clock Sundays and Mondays in the OR and he went on stage and he was like smoking like and just looking around at the crowd and there was like four people there was a woman in the front row and her hair was up and he just looked at her and he just went take your hair down.

And you're just like watching this woman be like. She listens? Yes. It was so pimp in the weirdest way. Wow. Also one of my favorite jokes is a Rich Voss joke. I don't mind having sex with a girl on her period. I just pretend like I'm killing her. I've heard that you've heard that old Patrice story about there's a couple models sitting at the table and like all the guys are freaking out talking to them kissing their ass and Patrice walks up and it bothered him that the

The attention wasn't on him. And one model had a mole right here. And he just walked up and went, what's that? And pointed to her and like, hit it. Hit the mole. And she was like, well, I just, and now he was the alpha. And it worked. That is so funny. But cruel. That is so funny because we all have to pretend we don't see people's moles. Right. It's like we just have to, it's like.

a full-time job to ignore moles. It's insane to do that. That's insane. But it worked. One time I was with, this was like before I knew much, or like, this was so crazy to me when I saw it. It was, Jeff Ross was having like some release of a show. This must have been like 13, 14 years ago. And we were at a restaurant and it was like a premiere party for his show on Comedy Central, whatever. Yeah. And, um,

Jim Norton was there and Jim Norton had, I mean, had been doing Open Anthony forever. I mean, was a legend, but he had just done Down and Dirty. Oh yeah. HBO. I remember that. You were on that. You did that. Yeah. So that's how I got to know him. And so we're standing next to each other. It's like super awkward. And this agent walks up to Jim Norton and is like, Jim Norton, like,

you know, Kenny, whatever, Bob Lick or whatever it is. Just trying to not say Stein, just trying to not say a Jewish name. That was like so tricky because I want to say, have you guys read the book, What Makes Sammy Run? It's about a Hollywood agent. Was it Kenny Slotnick? That's the agent. Sounds right. Sammy Glick, Sammy Glick. Okay. Ben Stiller's been trying to make that movie forever. It's an amazing book. And so this agent comes up to Jim Norton, he's like, Jim Norton, like Kenny Slotnick, whatever it is. And then Jim just went,

Where were you 10 years ago? Dude, it was wild. That's great. And then just looked back at the party like no one was, it was only like 20 people. Like it wasn't like a bumping party. Yeah, yeah. And I remember being like, that's fucking power. Yes, exactly. You have to be funny enough to be able to talk to people like that.

Right. Well, that's what comedy is. Like, when you said you do that show in front of the mayor and you're saying all the shit about the town, no one could say that to the mayor, but as a comic, you can get it out. And that's kind of the beauty of it. If it's in joke form, it's softened. Well, because we've also put ourselves out there as fair. Like, we're fair. Like, we also, like...

Like, if we're coming after you, like, this is fair. It's honest. Because we come after everyone. Yeah, exactly. And we're going to, like, do it in a smart, thoughtful way. Yeah, yeah. Another one of those great lines is one time Jim Norton was being interviewed for some kind of red carpet-y press thing. And they go, what are you working on now, Jim? He's like, well, I'm on the radio show. I got some road work. And I'm shooting. I'm shooting. And Colin Quinn jumps in and goes, I hope yourself. It was just one of those perfect... And Norton goes...

oh, you're right. What am I doing? And he caught himself. It was great. I love Jim, dude. It was his birthday at the cellar the other night and it was just like cupcakes everywhere and it's so weird. You're like, oh, this is like, you take a party, you're like, fuck, it's Jim Norton. He's a legend. Legend. And he's such a nice guy. Remember when he had that party at his home? Yes. And he's like, we never are used to, like, you're so used to just, you're on a show and he's like zinging you. We're in his apartment and he's like, are you guys okay? Are you having fun? Yes, pizza.

a mind fuck catered with like barbecue hand you a coaster whoa don't put that there gotta picture him and De Niro best guy also I get in he's the best there's something about when I take NyQuil I get in very deep dives on Chip Chipperson oh

It's insane. But the more you watch it, the funnier it gets. Yeah. Well, you know what it is? I figured this out because I'm a fan as well. Norton is always aware, always on edge, always sniping. He could never say something stupid because he would get attacked. This is just an amalgam of all the stupidest things you can say freely.

That makes total sense. So it's like he's protected over this blanket of like, this is only dumb. Exactly, exactly. This is just dumb because he never breaks character. Never. It's a safe space. I posted a picture on like an Instagram story of just me and Liz, you know, the manager of the comedy salon. We're just drunk holding martini glasses. And he just responds. He goes, ugh, I can almost hear your glasses clanking subway and a job well done. You disgust me. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Just him writing, ugh. Whenever I hear the word, ugh, I hear Norton's voice. Oh, it hurts. Ugh. Do you guys know Eddie Pepitone well? I love Eddie Pepitone. So it's like he's more in LA. I mean, great comic. Obviously, you know that. If you haven't seen Eddie Pepitone's recent special on Amazon, it's incredible. He's a great comic. Have you seen the video? Okay. Yes, obviously. And a new podcast. Check out his podcast. Yeah. Have you seen the video Eddie Pepitone heckles himself? Yes. It's amazing. Dude, it is...

So incredible. Brilliant. It's like a shitty venue in LA. Do you even know? I can't even remember. I don't know where it is. Not Knickerbocker. Knitting Factory or something. There's not even that. It's worth it. This is worth it for Zoom, I think. It'll be real tricky. I love him. The mirror thing. He does it to himself. The validating. He's an incredible commenter.

Staten Island guy. Pepitone, you suck. Oh, can you go back a tiny bit? I was wondering. Sorry, this is very put to me. I also, I get heckled a lot in clubs. And it's usually generic, but accurate. Like, Pepitone, you suck.

But I was wondering, I was wondering what the heckling would be like if someone in the audience knew me as well as I know myself. I think this is what the heckling would be like. Watch this. Takes forever. Yeah, already a great premise. He goes into the crowd. I mean, come on.

Puppet Toad! How come you dream about reds attacking you at night? Reds attacking you at night. You shrink as the red represents anger on the inside of a woman's vagina. What do you think? Puppet Toad. Hey! Kevin!

Speaking of the time, how come you have Napoleon till 3 in the morning? That's an afternoon! Look at you!

Speaking of 4 in the morning, how come at 6 in the morning you're thumbing through medical journals? So relatable. It's also like...

there's something like he never could do that on a special i don't think he did he could do it yeah i guess he could but when i watched that i feel like this was like for this just to perform it yeah yeah i don't feel like he's perfecting it for a special no you're right because i saw him do that over a few nights and it was different shit he was yelling but it was still personal that feels like it's just for him yeah yeah i'm like what what do

- Why do we do this just for us? It's weird to just think. - Nothing. - I'm always like, is this gonna clip it? Do I need to make this a TikTok? Is it a tweet? - I know. - Like what are the dumb bits we just do just for us? - That's so true, yeah. - I was really bored at the end of a week in Tampa recently and on the sixth and last show, I was like, I'm opening with 10 minutes of dead baby and hot car jokes.

and I dug the fattest hole for myself. I had a camera guy with me. I was literally doing it to make my friend James Webb laugh. I was literally like, it's killing him. And I bombed for like the first five minutes. But around the five minute mark, it started to turn. It was like, I was doing it. You know when you do a bit so much that it just starts to kill even if it's not funny? That's what it was. And then I was telling him, we got to find this footage. - Do you think the dead baby was more awkward now 'cause of what just happened in the news?

Since we're not allowed to kill babies anymore. No, it's Florida. They don't care. If you're getting groans in Tampa, you earned it. If babies are going to die here, it's from crocodiles and Jesus. That was a news story. Some woman fell in a lake in a country club and got eaten by two. That's called Darwinism. Mine. And it was two crocodiles, too. She got double teamed. Do you know over 400 people have fallen off cliffs taking selfies?

Wow. I believe it. Just that's what we know. It went through my mind because I hiked a cliff with my friend recently and I was jokingly doing the thing from Hot Shots 2. I'm like, a little further. That joke that Rowan Atkinson does. Yes.

You know what's weird? When... This is going to be in trouble. That when I heard the Alec Baldwin news, like, you remember when we first heard about it? The shooting. Yeah. Yeah. I remember going, I bet they were joking around. Like, I bet he was like... Oh, interesting. That was my... And that probably says so much about me. But I was like, oh, I bet they were like, to take a picture, to be like... Yeah, yeah. Well, joking... Look at Al Franken. That was a...

I was joking. And look at him. Good thing he didn't have a gun. That was so dumb. The Evaldi guy was joking. Terrible joke. Hitler. Hitler. Look, you got to give him credit for going for the bits. It's called a long game. Yeah, that's a big punt. Some of us commit. Yeah. I'm going to get these trains. Wait a second. Let me see that photo. I don't think I've ever seen that photo. Hold on. Literally a bulletproof vest. But she does look like she is...

Diverse.

Is this, like, does that cancel it out? That's a great point. He's not racist. He's inclusive. What is he? The other guy looks blindfolded. Liberals like to eat their own. Yeah, I guess so. If this was a conservative politician, there'd be no problem whatsoever. I think the bigger problem is that Cosby served her a drink before. She shouldn't be that sleepy. Like, no one, if Al Franken is in the premises and you're asleep. Good point. Like, the celebrity.

in the room. Yeah. You're narcoleptic. You're narcoleptic.

I was watching that scene in Sopranos and Richie Aprile is fucking Janice while holding the gun to her head. And now I just think of the Alec Baldwin scene. Like, that explodes. Oh, yeah. That's a good point. Whoa. It's a weird kink. Did you ever see the Beast of No Nation movie? Mm-hmm. You saw that? It's been a minute, but yeah. Yes, it was that guy, Cary Fuganaga, who recently had crazy stuff. Yeah, people are mad at him, right? I don't know what happened with him. Yeah, what did he do? I can't even keep up now. There's so many cancels. Yeah.

Great director, though. Brilliant. He did the first season of True Detective. That one long shot that everyone talked about? Well, in Beast of No Nation, he did a seven-minute shot in the trenches. It was the one where Idris Elba raped the boy. Yeah. Yeah. I've got to see this movie. There's a scene where a teenage boy...

shoots a woman or is raping a woman and a guy shoots the woman as he's raping her and he's like what the fuck man it was originally spacey dude it's a wild it's a wild scene really yeah i've never seen anything that brutal on camera before except like irreversible i

I don't know that. The rape scene, Monica Bellucci? Yep. Eight minutes straight. Don't check my browser history. No. She was like so hot. I remember her. I never saw the movie. Who's the hottest? Ever? I said Kim Basinger. I'm obsessed with. Kim Basinger was so hot. I remember like 48 or nine and a half weeks or like Batman. Michelle Pfeiffer's not in your top 10?

She's hot, but she's not... To me, she's not... I mean, I think Kim Basinger, L.A. Confidential is like at her hottest. Yeah. She won an Oscar, too. She's so good in that movie. Also Batman. Batman was hot. Right, right. Who's your hottest, Mark? Like top couple, so you don't...

What do you mean couple? Like top three, just so that you don't feel pressure to pick one. Oh, sure, sure. Okay. Well, I mean, Angelina, I know it's hack, but she was Gia. When I first saw Gia, Newt Scorsese. Can I tell you something? She was like a little less skinny, believe it or not, because she was like less gaunt. Yes. And less severe. Yeah, right. Playful and feral. Right. That movie's incredible. Incredible movie. So good. Who's the, Elizabeth Mitchell? The real Gia's hot, too. Gio Carano got AIDS. Oh.

Gia Carano got AIDS? Oh, wait. Yeah, she was like, she got AIDS from, yeah, AIDS, not hepatitis, from drug use. And she died and she was a supermodel. I thought that was the chick that got kicked off the Mandalorian for a sec. Who was that? That's Gina Carano. Carano? Carano. Very similar. Okay, this is Gina Carrere. What's her name? Gina Carrere? Yeah, that sounds right. Gia. Gia? Oh, it's Gia. Sorry. What is it? Gia?

She was a famous model, I guess, in the 80s who got AIDS from doing drugs. Got it. And she was a lesbian. Remember Elizabeth Mitchell was the lesbian lover in it? Yes, yes. She comes out topless and you're like... Amazing cans. Yes. Amazing cans that, by the way, aren't symmetrical. Oh. I mean, they're like kind of sloppy and not like... A little lopsided. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, sure. Of course I know what you mean. I remember going like, I hate myself because that's her face, but...

- Wait, now I gotta see these lopsided knobs. - Gia Karanji, yeah, that was her. - So she died? - She died of AIDS, was it AIDS? And no one knew what it was at the time. - Damn. - Yeah. - '80s AIDS. - It was in its monkeypox phase. - Right, right. - AIDS related. - AIDS related, okay. - Yeah, hospitalized again. - I'm trying to think, Sharon's still in the '90s. - By the way, she was found on the street badly beaten and raped. She was like a homeless drug addict after being on the cover of Vogue.

Whoa. She had some great cans. Hold on. That's not her. No, no. Look at, do topless Angelina Jolie. Yeah. And make sure to bleep these, Peter. Because we don't want to lose the content, but we do need to bleep some boobies. And email me the link. Well, you can like fuzz them out or block them out or something. None of those are her, I don't think. None of those. Oh, that's the real one. Oh, because I remember that scene. That was a famous scene. I'm trying to think, Mark, who are your top? I don't know. I got weird. I change week to week. Oh, yeah. Look at that. Look at that.

Yeah, look at that. It's like my sack. The right one is, the left one is longer. Remember that? And I remember being like, it's weirdly hotter that they're a little lopsided. It's more real. Yeah, I thought so. I like it. Something about that mug. John Voight's daughter. John Voight's daughter. Voight's car. And her, look, can you Google her mom? Her mom is, what is her name? Genevieve or Micheline? Micheline? Michaelene. Oh, yeah.

I don't know. Angelina Jolie mom. So beautiful. Michael Ian Black. That's in my top three. No. Oh, wow. She's gorgeous. Can I tell you who is so gorgeous? That's the mom. Jesus. She might be hotter than Angelina. I know, right? Wow. Who I think is really hot. Who? Do I just blank? Tammy Biscotelli. I'm going to remember. Don't look at me for a second. All right. All right. You know what?

Kelly LeBrock. I'm looking at her fucking stupid face. It's so perfect. Not Blanchett. The other one. Cate Blanchett. Cate Winslet.

Kate Beckinsale. Yes. Yeah, she's up there. She's hot. She's flawless. No, we forget about her because she's been so hot for so long. We don't forget about her. Pete Davidson made it attainable. Made her like, oh. Not attainable, but like, oh, she's human. She fucked Pete Davidson. Are we taking personality into this? No. No. Come on. Okay, if we're taking personality, you got to throw Julia Louis-Dreyfus in the mix.

Oh, if we are taking person out. If we are. We're not taking person out. No, no, no, no, no. Let's keep it objective. Objectifying. She's perfect. Yeah, no, she's... Oh, she's... Yeah, she's... Her face... Elizabeth Hurley is pretty fucking hot still. Yeah, she's hot too. Still. Um...

Chrissy Turlington, I think, is the most beautiful woman that ever lived. What? Who was the one that Billy Joel used to hook up with? Chrissy Brinkley. She's fucking hot. See, I'm not a... Still. Like, blondes with skinny lips, to me, you guys just want a blonde and you're willing... I feel like how high you have to be for a blonde, face-wise, is so much lower. I remember Amy Schumer took me to a Knicks game once and we were in the room and I remember...

seeing her and be like man who's that hot chick and she goes are you kidding me and she was like that's fucking Christy Brinkley and I was like she's like 65 and I was like what

Uh, Christie Brinkley. Yeah, no, Christie Brinkley. Yeah, Elizabeth Hurley is insane. She's the one that had a sister who died. Uh-oh. Elizabeth Hurley's insane. She had a sister who, like, died in a drunk driving accident. Oh, wow. So that's Christie Trill. Billy was driving. Yeah, not down to the, like, how about second one to the right? Down one. Yeah. I think Cate Blanchett is fucking hot. She's very pretty, yeah. She's hot in a way that kind of intimidates me, though. Me too. I wouldn't be able to get hard. I would just have to appreciate it like a painting, you know? Yeah, you're kind of just like...

artsy hot. Yeah. But did you see Nightmare Alley? She's so hot now. Oh, really? I haven't seen it. Not a great movie, but she's so hot now. I don't think I remember. I don't think I remember. You know who else is hot in a way that I can't... She feels a little mousy to me, but there's something... There's some reason you can't stop watching her is...

My God, what is everyone's fucking name? Nancy Pelosi. Did you see that picture of her tits? I did. That was insane. Andrew is such a fucking, the heavies. He's going hard on that heavy stuff. Now that butts are in, he's back to titties. Are you a butt or a tit guy? I like both.

Why do we have to choose? I know, exactly. You shouldn't have to. I don't think you should have to. I think both are great. But you know what? We are holding fake tits. We're not holding fake butts here. I was going to say, do you guys, is there a looking down upon fake tits? No. We loved them. We got sent them in. Is this, what is this? Is this silicone? This is from Trey Parker's wife. She sent these in to us. Were they in her body? No, she makes them. She's a surgeon.

Really? Boogie Parker is her name, right? Yeah, she's awesome. Why does he get cooler every time I hear about him? He's married to a surgeon? I know, right? I will say, I think the South Park movie is the greatest comedy of all time. Oh, which one? Bigger, Longer, and Uncut. It's a musical. It's genius. Is that America? No, that's Team America. That's great. That's incredible, too. Damn, hold on. I had a hot lady. We're losing here. Yeah, give me a hot lady, Mark. Hold on. No, the girl from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

Oh, yeah, she's cute. I feel like that was kind of a fault. She was very pretty. I'm advocating for Burnett's. I love Burnett. Who's the woman who's in Woody Allen's Love and Death? What's that actress's name? She was so hot.

Will Scarlett Johansson? Very hot. But we know Colin, so that's weird. Oh, it makes it awkward. She's pigeon-toed. By the way, you know what? Jennifer Connelly. Yes. Underrated. But how big of a deal is having a crush on them as a child matter? No, I'm okay with that. You know what I mean? I jerked off to Drew Barrymore in E.T. constantly. I mean, who gives? Yeah.

No, no. The child thing is definitely... Like Natalie Portman, like someone you've loved for so long. She's gorgeous, yeah. You know? But Alyssa Milano, less hot now.

Who's the boss? You're like, hey, she's cute. Now you read her Twitter, you're like, I can't get hard. You know what? There's this comic that I used to... Yeah, she's beautiful. Very pretty. There's this comic I used to... Mark Mealy, who I used to run around together and do open mics. And he did really smart one-liners. And he just did... Dude. Who's that?

That's who I'm talking about. Oh, yeah. Gorgeous. Yeah. Love and death. And he would go, he's like, you know, look up Angelica Houston Young. Ooh. I don't know. No, she was hot, dude. Playing with fire now. Really? I don't know. The booze is kicking in. Dude, if it's good enough for Jack Nicholson, it's not good enough for Mark Norman? I think she's sexy. I don't think we're talking beauty here. Look at her young when she was with Jack Nicholson. Yeah, she's beautiful. Put her next to Jack Nicholson so they think she's hotter. Exactly. Exactly.

Like she's got this. She's got something. She's like really thin and wafy in a way that I don't even think is sexy. But because she looks like a weirdly gorgeous. She's also Hollywood royalty. She's like a Transylvanian vampire dominatrix. She looks like Marilyn Manson. No, she's beautiful. Come on. Are you attracted to young Jack or no?

At least from a cool factor. Carnal knowledge is when I found out. Really? Wow, okay. And I'm half, I'm, yes. She's pretty hot there. He's very hot. Huge dong. Really? Yeah, he fucked a couple porn stars. They went on Howard Stern and they talked about it. I didn't know that.

Really quick. This comedian used to do a joke. He's like, the other day I went to the Bruce Springsteen concert and Tony Danza was there. And I was like, dang, who's the boss? So you do like him a little bit. What, who? Tony Danza? No, no. That was just a joke. But he's a handsome guy. Tony Danza? I think that. Young Tony Danza. Taxi Tony Danza? If you want to talk about low-key hot guys. Please. Because we don't know. Bon Jovi.

Low key. He's a rock star. I know, but like... Low key hot dude, Bruce Springsteen. What do you guys think? Guys, I'm going to throw a curveball at you. Paul McCartney. But I don't think he's hot. I think he's talented. He's not like a heartthrob. Bon Jovi's a good looking guy. Bon Jovi's like a heartthrob. He's pretty. Yeah. Like that's hot to me. Interesting. Just like...

I feel like we got a shot at getting him on my other podcast. I started a podcast with Julian Edelman, the football player, and they're friends. Ask him about opening question. Yeah. Oh, my God. That's such a funny idea for a podcast. Just everyone's saying, like, if we could get this guest, what's the funniest question to ask? He had one question. For him, I want to go, what happened with Pepsi Clear? Hmm.

Was he on that? No, right now. Hey, that was the song. That was the song. Pepsi clear was the biggest thing. He must have made a fortune on that. Flopped. Publicity stunt. Flopped. Yeah, flopped. Big flop. Flopped. You got Bon Jovi. You've got Pepsi. You've got clear. Damn. I just want to be like, what happened? Who is that nigga? Is that Postman Only Rings Twice? What movie is that? Such a stud. You know, it's weird as Axl Rose sang for Surge.

You know what is actually, people always tell me I look like the woman from The Shining. Shelley Duvall. Shelley Duvall. Shelley Duvall gave an interview to... Dr. Phil. No.

- Seriously, she did. - Did she? - She looks like kind of-- - Recently? - Yeah, yeah. - Oh, because she did a, she moved to Montana and she talks all about how Kubrick treated her and yeah. - Really? Damn. - And not in a way that's like shitty or I'm trying to cancel him. It was like, this was his process and he would keep me up all night and scream and he wouldn't let me sleep and would scream. - Well, and when he kinda nailed it. - When that scene where they was chasing with the ax, she was genuinely scared.

Whoa. Well, he did his job. He used to make Tom Cruise walk through a door for one shot just to get him walking through the door. He said to the DP and everyone, have him walk through at 80 takes and then come get me. Whoa.

And he would go take a nap. Because he wanted so badly for him to just be like truly annoyed. Yeah, yeah. Because he didn't like There's other ways to annoy people. You don't have to just waste people's time. I know, right? He was trying to like humble Tom Cruise because Tom Cruise was a huge star at the time. Interesting. Him and Nicole Kidman and he like wanted to fuck up their marriage and like so much of that movie the fighting is like real and they divorce after. Like he really got off on like abusing actors for the work. And it didn't even do well which is so fucked up. It's a good movie though. It's good. Her acting

acting in that is great legitimize her as an actress yeah that's no she's incredible have you seen to die for yes she's very good at that that's a masterpiece I know and I was talking about this the other day because I actually not that we need to pit women against each other but sometimes it's so fun of course which is Naomi Watts kind of they were best friends and Naomi Watts did David Lynch's a

Mulholland Drive. And then Nicole Kidman did that. And I kind of feel like Naomi Watts, remember when she did, was it Eight Pounds? Like, I felt like she was going to be the next Meryl Streep. She was blowing up for a while. Yeah. Oh, yeah. She was in a lot of stuff. And then Nicole Kidman kind of went away with the Scientology thing. People kind of lost respect for her. Yeah. But she's not a Scientologist, I thought. No. I thought that's why they broke up.

Oh, is that right? I assume she was. Isn't that what ended it? I think her dad is a psychologist and that's why it was like she's a problem person or whatever they call it. Submissive. Or sorry, suppressive. Yeah, something like that. Whoa. Like Katie Holmes.

That happened for a while. She's a great actress. Yeah. There's a great movie that she was in called Pieces of April that actually was... It's good? It's actually like... I watched it when I was, I think, dealing with my daddy-daddy, love-me-love, trying to figure out a new family. And I had Thanksgiving at my house for my friends. And dad's not showing up. That's what the movie's about. Oh, got it. It's this girl who is all fucked up and she went to rehab and she's like...

trying to make it all go away by making like a nice Thanksgiving dinner at her shitty apartment. Yeah. The family does it. It's like you decide I'm going to stop being mad and stop drinking. And but your family doesn't.

Yeah, of course. You know, when you've done all this work to change, but no one else has, shit stays toxic. Yes. Do you know her, Katie Holmes? No. No. But you know that, like, moment where you realize, like, oh, I've done all this work. Y'all are the same. Yeah, of course. Yeah. But then they still... But they can bring you back down to the shit. If I do any of my...

If I use any of my tools here, you're just going to think I'm being an asshole. Yeah. Would you think you're better than me with your therapy, your college bullshit? Oh, your boundaries, really? Yeah. Oh, you can only stay for seven hours? Okay. Tell me more about Freud, you piece of shit. Yeah. So it's like, yeah, everything, like when you get healthy, the sick get angry. Yeah. It's about that. Whenever I go home, I say, I have to leave soon. Yeah.

Don't get used to this magical charisma being around. Yeah. Now, let me ask you that. You're a lady. Oh. You got a lady part. Where do you stand on these guys who go, hey, if a woman doesn't have a kid by 40, she's going to shoot up a post office or whatever the hell it is. What do you think about that? I don't listen to Tim's podcast. I do hear it's hilarious. I've not heard that. That's a thing, like a scientific theory people have. Uh-huh. Um...

I think a hot take, I think, would be to have... Mark just listens to Jordan Peterson. He's like, a lot of scientists are saying this. I've heard people say that. I'm actually working on a bit about this. Why can't comedians just have a conversation? I am working on a bit about this. So if it's funny, just know I'm not trying to make you laugh. I just happen to be working on it. Got it. Like the spiral. But about like...

my guy friends who like the more someone has been like fired from prestigious establishments, the smarter they think the person is. They'll be like, this person was fired from three universities, disbarred,

from being a lawyer kicked off Twitter kicked off Instagram and YouTube removed from the chair of every foundation he's on he must know some shit yeah this guy is smart yeah like it's just sort of like the more shunned someone is the more we just it's like a rebel Galileo Galileo he said the world was round not all of these people are ahead of their time some of them are just problems exactly

What is the Jordan Peterson? I'm not saying I agree. I'm just saying, what do you think as a woman? I'm asking your opinion. As a woman, I think the worst thing we can do is bring more kids in the world to be like...

To people who aren't ready to fully parent not selfishly. There's a lot of that, Nick Cannon. You know? Nine kids. Yeah. Do you want to work to your 105? I know. What is it? That's too many. Also, my question is like, why nine? Nine isn't, that's three more than the Brady Bunch. It is. It is.

was a show how that was too many good point three more thing like why can he have nine kids in its school I have nine abortions it's not good point not Elon Musk too he's got about I know I'm going on Rogan this week I know I hope this doesn't come up because I know that they're friends or whatever but like

I feel like anyone who thinks there's a shortage of humans is just someone that needs, like hasn't flown commercial in a while. Like it's also like maybe people just don't want to talk to you. Like he's like, there's no one around. Right. And you look around, this place is dead. It's like, I think it's like everyone's working from home. Traffic is horrible. Yeah. It's just like, I don't think he sees that many humans because either they, you know,

Whatever his life when you live in a compound you're not grocery store right not think we need more humans now We're good also. Why does every girl he procreates with have eyes so far apart. No. I didn't notice that well He does want to go to space maybe like he's trying to make a little alien Have you seen look at the girl that he broke his look at Tallulah Riley? That's just him his dad's knocking people up to his dad's like 78. He's still a dumb and right. That's right. Yeah, I

I don't know, dude. It feels... And then he's doing that Neuralink thing. What is that? Neuralink is what... I'm so sorry. Joe brings this up every five seconds. He's obsessed with it. Wow. We just fart and stuff. We try to keep it light. Her eyes are far apart. Okay. That's Tallulah Riley. Now look up... How old is she? Girl who... She was great in Mars Attacks. Well, here's the thing. Grimes looks like John Travolta in Galaxy. Look up Grimes and Elon Musk. What was the one where he had the dreads?

Oh, Battlestar Galactica. Not Battlefield Earth? Yeah, yeah. I said Galactica. Holy shit. Battlefield Earth, yeah. Man, Travolta's made some turds, huh? Yeah, yeah. Dude. Remember the general's daughter? He's made some real fucking stinkers. Yeah, yeah.

Broken Arrow. Yeah. But what's the, but Pulp Fiction. Can't beat it. It's not. But, but. Michael. But Phenomenon. He's still great. I'm just saying there's a lot of bad ones in there too.

But Grease? Grease is amazing. Saturday Night Fever is amazing. Those are all great. He was very sexy. He was. He was kind of Bowie level. Really? Like with the Bee Gees stuff, it was not homoerotic. It was a little Freddie Mercury-esque. Definitely. You look back and you're like. Is he hotter that you know that if a woman slept with him, you know he wouldn't enjoy it?

Does that make him hotter? He is a homo. Is that unattainable? Here's the thing. I saw him one time at a place called the Peninsula in Los Angeles. It's a fancy hotel I've never been to. A friend of mine had her baby shower there. He was there sitting in the corner. And so I spent the entire time walking past his table to try to get a glimpse of him. Like at my friend's baby shower. Like walking back. He's stunning. He's gorgeous. No, he's a cool. Are you kidding me? Look at him. He was bald. Fully bald.

I didn't know if it was like work or steroids or HGH or just money. You know when you like see someone and they just look like well preserved? Yes, yes. He's gorgeous. What's the most recent movie he was in that looked like the worst movie of all time? You know what's the other one? You reminded me when you said SNL. One time I saw Blake Lively in person. And I see her in pictures and she's obviously a 10. She's gorgeous. But when you see her in person, you're like...

Like, I can't explain it. There's a beauty that is like some people, the camera loves them. Yes. People just in person loves them. I saw Will Smith once and it was the same. His skin is perfect. He's tall. He's muscular. He just lit up the place. What about Ryan Reynolds? Is he like a really hot guy to you? You know what's crazy about Ryan Reynolds?

I feel like I'm biased because when I was in college, this is so embarrassing, I was the correspondent for the entertainment correspondent for the TV station, like the college television station. - Oh boy. - Which is so fucking dorky 'cause it was like I was shooting it on a, it was for me to get like a reel. I don't know how when he did that movie Van Wilder, he came to colleges, he came to Penn.

I got an interview with him. I don't even know how it happened. I couldn't even tell you. And I went to his hotel room in the Four Seasons. I'm 18 years old. Like, hey, do you want to talk about the movie? He was wonderful. Really? It was just like where it was so awkward and I didn't understand that it was awkward. I was like, anyway, so what was it like? Were there any pranks? Like I took it. No one has ever gone to John Travolta's hotel room at the Four Seasons. I've been like, that was wonderful. No one ever.

Also the plot of Beasts of No Nation. And like he was like, I can't even, he was almost like, I can't explain it. I've never run into him since or anything like that. But he was so, I look back at that situation. I'm like, even if he, most guys that weren't creepy, that would be a weird situation. He was overly cool to where he made it feel fine. Oh, yeah. He seems like a regular dude. He's funny on Twitter.

He struggled for a while in his career. The only thing that is so wild to me, because here's the thing. This proves you can make mistakes. Maybe... So I have this theory. It's not a theory. It's just like a...

Like, when so many of the people we know, my friends, you know, they'll be like, we can't even hire these young kids in the office. They want to take us to HR and they say that it's a toxic work. And I'm just like, why are you taking the meeting? Just fire them. Like, you know, like if someone- Like a sue? I don't know. Okay. Yeah.

Like everyone will know the truth. Right. I would rather go to war with you. You tweet about me and everyone will know my character. Yeah. You know, or they won't. So it's like when this when Ryan Reynolds, he got married at like a slave plantation. I saw that. And it was like anyone else. I feel like that would have buried forever. Right. He was posing at his wedding in front of slave huts. A plantation. Yeah. No, they're slaves.

Oh, really? There's like slave huts. It's like in South Carolina or something. Gorgeous. Yeah. They're very pretty. And he was like, I'm really sorry. And we gave him the benefit of the doubt because he had a record of being not shady. And we just feel that he's like, you know. Yeah. Same thing with, I'm like. What? You bring this back up. It sinks him right now. This'd be great. Like he did what? Yeah.

Ryan Reynolds? He did apologize. He got ahead of it. He apologized before the backlash, and I think that was smart. Whatever he did was perfect. Yeah. Like, that's how to do it. I thought it was weird he didn't pay anyone who catered the wedding, but you know. I don't know. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Cotton. Not saying it, not saying it, not saying it. Yeah, holding back. Not saying it, not saying it. All right. But know that I could make you laugh right now if I wanted to. Did you notice that everyone at that wedding, when they were around the caterers, they were just like bouncing? They were just bouncing like this. Off of the bodies of slaves beneath them. But so, yeah, I think that like... The right round was very whipped. All right, that was it. Oh, yeah.

All right, I'll see you guys next week. We got to wrap this thing up here. I know, I could talk to you guys forever. I feel like I'm rambling. No, you're doing great. Oh, you haven't done bits. Oh, yeah, all right. We got to go quick here. Oh, shit. Oh, like new bits you guys are working on? Yeah, just a premise of a raw, uncooked, half-baked idea. I like trans people. That's good stance. Okay, stick with me. All right. I just feel like

I believe I have friends that are 35 and they transitioned to be a woman at 35. They knew it forever.

No man would ever commit to anything that long. That's funny. There's something in like, that's how we know. Guys don't seem that bothered about them phoning it in. God forbid I try. No, that's a good premise. Guys aren't worried about trans men, like women that transition. You never hear about that. Women, when they transition to men, guys are like, well, that's just smart. Right, right. That's just a good business idea.

Yeah. The commit thing is great because, you know, the guy, the perpetual dater guy who won't settle down, he can't settle down on a gender. He's like, ah, I dabbled with being a woman. Now I'm back. I don't want to commit. Yeah. It's like, oh, you finally found someone. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. And then maybe I was, I just have like this whole, like, kind of just trying to go the other way of like trans women in sports. Like,

was women's sports going so well? Like, was that like a thriving business model? - It's true, you need the numbers. - Yeah, like if there's like a trans female comedian who's hilarious, I'm like, have you fully, not totally, you're with us, bitch. Like, well, we need as many, you know, I'll take whatever I can get. We're not like, you have an advantage 'cause you used to be a male comedian. I'm just like, you're with us, bitch. I don't give a fuck.

The W.A. could use him dunking. That's all we're saying. I was thinking like I'm allowed to make fun because people get a little groany around it. Like I feel like I'm allowed to make jokes like this because being a female comedian is basically like being in the W.M.B.A. Right. No one wants to come see us. It's like but then there's something to me about like, oh, like I think we I think what someone needs to do is just acknowledge that like.

Trans women can be dicks. Like I'm friends with, like I knew they're, they are, because they're just living life as a woman for the first time and they don't understand how stressful it is. So a girlfriend of mine, like, you know, she's trans, she'll be like, I just went, I just had a hate crime happen. I'm like, oh my God, like what happened? She's like, a man that I don't even know wrote a comment saying that I'm a lying, unfunkable cunt.

And I was like, congratulations, your transition is complete. Hey, that's great. You're a woman now. Yeah, you're a woman now. You lost the hymen. Yeah. It's broken. Like, this is like, I mean, this is really brutal, but like, just the idea of like...

you know, like trans, it's their time to be, they're still in their, they haven't got to their like flat stage of womanhood yet. They don't know that like women now we all dress like bull dykes. Right. And you guys are fucking up the bell curve. Like, why are you in heels? Like no one does this anymore. That's true. They always go hardcore stereotype lady. This is why I

in a bad mood. Like, just kind of like, so girl, because my thing is like, guys, you don't have to do anything about it. Like, we'll handle this. This is our problem. Like, they're taking our prizes. They're taking our men. Woman of the year. Just give us a second to psychologically fuck with them. We will do what we do with other women. We will make sure they have no self-esteem left. And if they keep taking our awards, we will call Tanya Harding out of retirement. Or like,

We know what to do. The problem is all you women are supporting these women. They're not officially women until you guys break off into a corner and are like, that's when they're fully women. Yes, exactly. Right. That's funny. That's a good point. I don't know. It's not a full woman until we can make fun of you and trash you and make you want to kill yourself. Yeah, but it's also funny. Oh, maybe it's something of like when trans women come to me and they're like, men like hate us. I'm like,

What do you think we think? You think they hate you? Like the fact I hate you has nothing to do with you being trans. It's just you're a little prettier than me. And I don't like, you think that was bad? You know, like I think there's just, you know, someone needs to just be able to say like, yeah, like they can be cunts too. Like, you know, drag queens, everyone's like, drag queens are molesting our kids. It's like, I have a lot of drag queen friends, like,

Drag queens don't want to fuck your kids. They won't even hug their own friends. I can't even get my own friend to hug me. It's just kind of more of a... They're very distant people. And when people complain about their kids, like, my kid's going to get molested by a trans person or my kid's going to get molested by a drag queen, all you're doing is telling everyone...

that you think your kid is hot. He's molestable. Like you think your kid's worth going to jail for? Right, right. Yeah, trans are already tiptoeing on ice. You know, they're already on eggshells. Now let me fuck that kid. That'll make my life easier.

Also, whenever a kid is in a bathroom, you're just annoyed. Just like, ugh. Also, why are those kids in so many public restrooms for so long? Have they never seen a Law & Order episode? This doesn't end well. Let's make kids restrooms. Fuck trans only. Kids should have their own restroom. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

By the way, like, you know, like, drag queens are the least dangerous thing in a public restroom. Yeah, right. You know, like, you let your kid walk in barefoot. Yeah. He stepped on an age needle. Yeah. Yeah. He might get fucked with some hairspray. That's about it with a drag queen. There's a lot here. Right. There's something about, like, when there was, like, drag queens reading to kids, like,

Remember? And they were like, where are the, coming to schools, reading to kids. It's like, oh, right. In schools, like, you know, I might have to set up like Catholic schools, like,

The men in the short dresses, no. The men in the long dresses, you're fine. You know what I mean? Just something about like drag queens in schools. Yeah, they're not dressing like Amish ladies. Yeah. It's a mini skirt. Priests are fine. Yeah. Long robe, fine. Short dress, no. Right. Like they're just, I don't know. Why are priests fine, by the way? They don't have a great track record either. That's wild. Those are the ones you shouldn't let in the bathroom. Yeah. I don't know.

I have not. Have you ever gotten a like a priest molesting joke to work? Oh, yeah. I got a new one of my special that's kills. Which one? I say, well, I kind of flip it on Jews. Smart. Basically say, because I say, you know, rabbis fuck a lot of kids, too. But my angle is, you know, they do it less than priests because I think it's because Jewish kids are really annoying. Yeah.

Like no one wants to molest a seven-year-old. They're lactose intolerant. No one wants to molest a seven-year-old who's like, do I have to get on my knees? They're very achy. My allergies are killing me. Okay, that's hilarious. There's a pretty fucking joke. That's hilarious. I've never, never gotten it to work.

um never gotten it to work no angle is hacky and no angle there's it was it was i mean no no premise rather i mean bad angles sometimes but like you know what it was i think i was i don't know maybe it's just because people are so sick of hearing about the sexual harassment stuff myself included but i think it was something about like no one cares when boys get molested and it's just like when an actress is hugged for too long we shut down

Yeah. The country, like we shut down. Like if an actress is uncomfortable, but if a boy is like fucked in his church for years. Corey Feldman.

No, there's no march. No one gave a fuck. Like, no one cares. No one cares. It's funny. It's funny. Huh? When the teacher will fuck a 14-year-old boy, Galifianakis has that joke, like, that kid died from high-fiving. You know? That's a great joke, but that joke is 15 years old. That's the funniest image of all time, just dying from this. It's really the funniest image. Maybe this is

too jokey, but I was like, yeah, there's no place for kids that were molested in the Catholic Church to go. There's no charities. Best case scenario, they all end up in AA and all those meetings take place in a church. Right, right, right. Rogan had a bit about that. Well, he had a bit about how ladies, it sucks when you go through the raping and all the molesting and the harassing, but he's like, at least people feel sorry for you. That was his joke. Yeah. If my friend got molested by Harvey Weinstein, I'd be like, ah,

You pussy. You know, that's his joke. But this is different. There was also like when you molest a kid, the Catholic Church will send you to the Vatican. Oh, that's funny. To be protected. So there's something about like I don't. The belly of the beast. I don't want to molest a kid, but like. No.

I get a free trip to Italy. Travel's cool. Yeah, I don't want to fuck a kid, but go live in the Vatican. It also sucks for the kid. He's like, now I'm going to the Super Bowl of molesting. That's what they should have called the show, Parts Unknown. What was the documentary about the guy that was molested as the baby? The comedian from Boston. It was Boston. Oh, Barry Crimmins. Barry Crimmins. R.I.P. Yeah. That was like...

That was maybe the first time I feel like I watched something where I couldn't make a joke about it. I never saw it. I heard it's great. It's incredible. It's like there's no way to make a joke. I'm trying. If you watch it, you're like, oh, this is just... It was sad. It's brutal. I couldn't even go like... You couldn't even make a corny joke to cope. Even after he got molested, though, he still had to get under the spotlight.

That was a movie about molesting kids. All right, that was a stretch, but I went for it. That was a good movie. Produced by Harvey Weinstein, ironically. Is that right? Yeah. Whoa, best picture, I think. I'm pretty sure. Didn't he produce Spotlight? Is that true? Wow. I think he did. That would be wild. Nah, he's not a fucking...

That would be wild. He had taste. I'll tell you. He's all right. He was raped violently when he was two. Harvey? Maybe. That would explain a lot. Who are we talking about? No, Barry Crimmins. Oh, Barry Crimmins. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The way he describes the baby, it makes you so angry that you can't function. That's rough.

Was I wrong? Did he not produce? All right. Did you see the Whitney Houston documentary? I did. With the lesbian stuff? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Heavy. How unnerving was that footage of her on drugs scene? Oof. Brutal.

Is that what you guys saw of me during the pandemic? Is this what you feel like you guys were watching? Because when I walked out, I was like, oh, maybe this is what they felt. Let's be real. We all spiraled during the pandemic. Those were dark times. Oh, yeah. Dude. Can you believe that happened? That's so fucking weird. Do you know what else is weird? I actually was like, people laugh when I said it, but I was being dead serious. I actually think there's a case to be made.

for that time to not count towards our age. I thought the same thing. Really? It's two years. It's like, come on, we didn't do anything. We didn't live. It aged us exponentially, but weirdly, it shouldn't count. I know. I'm 39. I'm like, I should be 37. Yes. That feels like it was a...

Like, what is it? Something's... I'm not tantamount. When it's next to you. Like a parallel universe. Oh, yeah. Completely. It was like time just stopped. It all just went online. We just lived online for two years. Do you ever see, like, memories come up in your phone from, like, a year ago? And you're like...

Don't remember. It feels so passive aggressive, doesn't it? You're on a roof. It feels like an attack. Well, a lot of people are getting fired off of Facebook, Meta, whatever, because it's like 10 years ago today and it's like their Halloween photo of them is Pocahontas. Sure, sure. And it's like bringing out, like a lot of people are getting fired.

I hate those things. Because you forget you uploaded that. Yeah, Justin Trudeau is like, delete, delete. But it also shows it was a better time because it was like, oh, we were free to, like, you didn't even think about posting a Pocahontas photo. You were just like, ah, this was fun. It's also funny that you can go as a murderer on Halloween, but you can't go as like a silly, like racial thing. It is funny, right? So funny. I'm more scared of the dude in the scream mask. No, you can be a Viking. Pirate. Pirate. Yeah. Mike Myers. Yeah.

Anybody. You could be OJ, but you can't do blackface. That's interesting. Well, I mean, I think there was a big, like, as you look back at, like, the cringey costumes, like, you'd look back at, like, Paris Hilton costumes or, like, Britney Spears costumes, and you're like, oh. I know. Yeah, but what's a scarier costume, a ghost or a dude who might lose everything in two years? Ooh.

That's a scarier costume. Good point. Good point. I know it's a weird Halloween when you're scared of the people without masks on. Right? That's what it was like. I mean, it was wild. Do you dress up on Halloween or no? I was... I hold a grudge. And I want to say six years ago when I was living in Studio City, I like went all out because I was like...

trying to reconnect to like the child that didn't get everything they needed. Just 'cause I didn't get what I needed doesn't mean I can break the cycle. I can let, you know, I'm gonna be the Halloween neighbor that I never had. I'm gonna make the Christmas tree that I never had. I'm just gonna like have, it's never too late to have the childhood you never had.

that cost a lot of money to learn. And so I dressed up as Superwoman, like I'm gonna show young girls that women can be powerful. You know, I'm like going to the CVS and Walgreens. I'm getting like the Kit Kats and Rolos and like no fucking app.

Rolos are the most underrated candy in the game. Great candy. My number one, one, one. I think they might be my number one. My number one. Number one always. Twix is up there, but Rolo is so good. Twix is up there and Kit Kat. If you don't overdo it, it's like. But Rolo is, no one talks about Rolo. I talk about it a couple times a week. Love Rolo. On another level. Good name for Stephen Hawking. Keep going. I recently went, I was in Baltimore and I got a Rolo Blizzard. Whoa.

Whoa. Whoa. That killed Ralphie May. Yes. And Meatloaf. You couldn't roll over. That's what happened in Saigon. So I don't know where I'm going with this. Halloween, costume, childhood. No one comes to my house. I have these amazing things. The kids are like walking. You know in LA the streets are like on hills. Sure. And all the kids, you know. And so they're not coming down my cul-de-sac. So I was like running. I was like, okay, I'll just run towards them. And I was like.

Look, guys, my house is down here. Like, do you candy? Like, I just...

You can't do that. Yeah. You can't chase kids. Yeah, that's true. Like in a cape. Like you can't. And none of that. I would like look at the parents and be like, and they were like, why do you? Yeah. What are you doing? Like none of us want to do this. Right. You're not allowed to want this. Yeah. We go on Amazon now. Yeah. This is total. We're phoning this in. Like, don't make us come down another street. Right. We have to do all these houses. Oh, that's sad. Like the parents looked at me like, what?

And it was like this heartbreaking moment where I was like, oh, okay. I'm just going to leave Mr. Good Bars and mounds out. Fuck you, kids. I'm going to leave a bunch of peanuts out. The other thing is that, I mean, at least in California, they're like, peanuts? Is there peanuts in here? Oh, funny. They can't just take candy from people. That's interesting. It used to be like, there's a razor blade. Now it's a peanut. That's a premise. Last thing I'll say to try to get you guys out to LA. All right. Well, we're never going to move, but we'll be out there.

I recently had to get a rabies vaccine. I had to get three shots of rabies. I have one more. Strong pitch so far. Because I, in the middle of the night, let the dogs out. A raccoon like ran up my leg. What? And I call animal control because it's like hanging in my tree and it's like, I don't know if it's sleeping or what's going on. And then I start poking it. Content, content. And it's like kind of look,

at me and like I do think there's certain Instagram feeds that are gonna someone's gonna die because they think dangerous animals are like super snuggly it's probably happened because of some Japanese feed they follow where they sleep with 12 raccoons you're like oh raccoons are like nice people are snuggling with tigers and shit on Instagram and you get dumb

So I call animal control and I'm like, I think I need some help with this raccoon. It's acting weird. It might be rabid. And she was like, oh no, it's fine. It's just a lot of people in LA right now. They're testing their cocaine for fentanyl. If it tests positive, they flush it down the toilet. So it probably just has some fentanyl in it. Whoa.

That's a movie premise right there. Snakes on a plane. Yeah. Raccoons on fentanyl. Yes. There it is, folks. Check out the new Netflix special called Cancer Hooker. In remission, Hooker. Jokes, it's on Netflix now. Give it a watch. Whitney's podcast, good for you. Yeah, hell yeah. Did I succeed in not making a corny title of the special? Jokes is perfect. It's kind of a good special.

I can't believe it hasn't been done. I know, right? Me neither. I was thinking about calling it Setups and Punchlines. But I didn't want it to be too... I was going to... There was a moment where I was going to call it like actual jokes. Yeah. That's funny. But it's a little aggressive. Mark Merritt wouldn't like that. I just want to be like, this isn't a TED Talk. I'm not going to like...

trick you with comedy and then be vulnerable. Yeah. Demetri Martin has these are jokes. So you beat him with the economy of words. Oh, that's right. He'll hate you for that. Super tight. Yeah. Naming a special. I wanted to because I shot it in Newark. I wanted to call it live from Newark. But I...

Why Newark? How did you choose Newark? Because I kind of feel like I'm the Newark of comedians. You know things that just like have... You're getting better. But I just think...

The tetanus is cleared up. And you've had Cory Booker inside you. There we go. So look at me. I'm editing what I was thinking. I didn't say all the things I was just going to say. Say it. At the buzzer to make me feel shame for the rest of the week. I was in Montclair doing a show there. First, I love Montclair. Yeah. Great town. It's gorgeous. Beautiful. And I was at the Wellmont Theater and I was like, I want to do it here. Like the show we just did, I just want to, you know when you have like the,

I think specials should actually, you should never know when it's being filmed and you're just doing, and you know when you do a show and you're like, that was it. Yes. Was anyone pulling off, what if someone just came out after the most magical set everyone was like,

just so you know we just shot your special and you're like what no you're being pumped because you know when you know you're being filmed it's always just more it's just weirder and it's just been nice to be kind of weirdly ambushed on a night that you weren't thinking about it but it's hard to capture that magic but um for sure but then i just kind of was like you know what like i'm i had a run-in or a situation with west virginia where i made fun of like how half my family's from west virginia it's kind of this whole thing and you know there was this back

and I was like, they wanted me to apologize. And it was kind of like, what is the, like, what's the actionable item here? Like, and then they made a good point. They were just like, come perform here.

make fun of us all you want, but like help bring business here. Yeah. You know, come to Charleston, come to West Virginia. If you're going to make fun of us, at least come here and do it to our faces and help with tourism and stuff. And I was like, you know what? That's awesome. And I'm going to start choosing the way I do business in cities that need the, you know, tourism or need the economy to be helped out. And like, we sit around and joke about Newark all day and make fun of it, but no one actually goes there to do something. You know? So I was like, there's a gorgeous theater there. It's gorgeous. Yeah. And it's like, no, like,

Carnegie Hall doesn't need our... Yeah. It does. I mean, it's everyone's dream, you know, to perform. It doesn't need a commercial. Yeah. It's just kind of like, why am I fighting tooth and nail for Skirball to charge me 80 grand where they could... Right. They're just... I'm annoying to them. Good point. Why not go to a place that's, like, grateful and psyched and the audience was grateful and... All right. I'm going Wuhan. Next special. I'll see you there.

in case you're fuckin' ugly guys. - That is where I draw the line. Where I draw the line. - So I get carried away. - Is it WhitneyCummings.com, the website? - I don't know. - Who knows anymore? - God. - You never know, some people have a .jizz or a .whatever. - Funny or Dying? - See-so, who knows?

But yeah. All right. Thank you so much. This is great. Thank you, guys. We're all on the road. Check us out. My special's out September 1st. Please watch that. Yes. Same time tomorrow. Dude, you are an animal, man. I have no life. Mark, where are you going to be on the road? I'm all over the road. Where are you going to be? Plug some days. I have a couple dates that are just left over from- Oh, plug them. I have to have a new hour in three weeks. So please, I mean, Cincinnati, Philadelphia, Richmond, and Charlottesville, I'm so sorry. Mark, what do you got? You're going to watch me go, what else has happened?

Neptune Theater. You got to scroll, Sally. Neptune Theater is amazing. Is it? Love it. First time. You've never done it? No, no. Oh, it's great. All right. Keep going, man. Comedy Connection. Oh, yeah. Nice. Keep going. Keep going.

Jeez, San Jose Improv. San Jose is gorgeous. I love San Jose. Fun room, yeah. It's giant. Toronto. It's like 800 seats. Oh, yeah. Oh, is it that big? The Rocks and Theater. Wow, that's a giant venue. I'll not sell that out. We'll do one there. Vote Theater. One of my favorite venues on the planet. Oh, great. Joy Theater, the Wilbur, Fillmore and Philly, Zany's, all kinds of fun. MarkNormanComedy.com. Who books your dates? This really vacillates back and forth. I know. From musical

calls to like a penguin's hut.

We got San Jose. We got LA. We've got fucking. Louisville is awesome. I think Louisville they still smoke inside. Burlington, Louisville, Irvine Improv, Omaha, Phoenix, Lexington, New Brunswick, all over. OKC, samorell.com slash shows. Watch the special same time tomorrow. Check it out, please. Praise Allah. Thank you, Whitney. Thank you, Jamie. We love you. Thank you. YouTube comments. Y'all good. Got them.

Thanks for having us. We'll see you all in hell. Sunday's the day for my next expender. You choose close. Ben and Norman's talking shit about the fucking post. And in the same, up on the roof like a cop, feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in Newlands. This woman doesn't look like I remember her. And I am in the same. We might be true.