Ep 86: Mint Julep
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Hey, folks, here we are. We might be drunk. I'm hungover. Sam's gay. We're really doing it. We're trading merch. Yeah, I'm rocking comedy. Oh, yeah. You're rocking Naples, Florida. That's a fun one. In Florida, they sell very well. Really? In Florida, because people in Florida get it. Fuck Naples.

Fuck Naples. You heard it here first. How are you doing, man? You're holding up all right? I'm okay. I'm hungover. It was the lady's birthday. We went out. We did it up. We had a grand old time. I had that, you know that moment when you're out drinking and you're like, all right, if I keep going, I'm going to be hammered and hate myself tomorrow. And I said, all right, I better stop. She goes, come on, get drunk with me.

And I was like, oh, that's nice. And we got hammered. Wow. Yeah, that's a fun lady right there. I do like that moment where you're like, if I keep... You know it's going to go downhill and you embrace it. Yes, exactly. So it was like, all right, give me another Manhattan. And they just kept coming. And the Manhattans have the sugar in it. And they go down so easy. So then you have five more. Spent way too much money. You got Manhattan drunk? Yes. Where do you have dinner? We...

We did the, where did we go? Oh, jeez. This isn't good. It's all a blur. I know booze messes with your memory, but this is. Well, we started the Soho house because she got a membership. Oh, wow. So we. So overrated, the Soho house. So overrated. It was brutal. I mean, everybody there is attractive, so you end up just looking around all night. How do you get work done? You're like, I'm going to get my work done here. A perfect 10 walks in. Yes.

Spend $10 on a latte? Exactly. That's the biggest misconception, biggest lie in the workforce is like, I'm going to go to the Soho house and get some shit done and bring my laptop. Bullshit. You're ogling all the skanks. You're jerking off in the bathroom. You come back. You're like, all right, now I can work. And then you're like, I'm hard again? Right, right. That pool is overrated, too. Well, it's jam-packed. You go up there. We sat by the pool for eight minutes. It looked like Ellis Island. You couldn't get a seat. It was so full.

Yeah, really. I remember I did a meeting there once, and it's like, I've had people be like, we'll do a meeting at the Soho House. Oh, yeah. Now I know this meeting's not important. Right. They're showing off with the Soho House. Yeah. I think it got blown up because of that Sex and the City episode where they're like, it's got a pool in the summer. That's how desperate New Yorkers are for a pool in the summer. That's it. Exactly. And it's a nightmare. We did hit the pool, but it's like, you're just sitting there. You swam?

I got in. You can't really swim. You bump elbows with a gay guy. So it's not even worth it. It's like the worst orgy ever. Yeah, and it looks like a Mick Ultra commercial. You know, we're all out there like, woo, here we are. But you can't move, and you're way less hot than everyone else. You look good shirtless. Well, you should see these guys. I mean, these guys all look like Chris Evans or whatever. Jeez, I look like Tom Selleck in the 80s if he stopped lifting. Yeah, there you go.

Well, I saw some private dicks. Did you? No, no. Magnum P.I. joke that I had to pull out of my ass. But yeah, it was fun. And where do we go to dinner? Jeez, I'm racking my brain here. This is not good. That's rough. Oh, yeah. What kind of food did you eat? Do you remember? It was in the village. Lartusi? Is that something? I don't know.

I didn't catch the name. Did you make a reservation or did she pick the spot? She did it. She did all that. Damn, she did everything. She's good. Yeah. She's good. No, it's nice to have someone who schedules because sometimes I've been in relationships where they're like, you didn't schedule? Oh, yeah. You didn't make the reservation? I'm like, oh, fucking. Yeah. They like to take charge. They like when you do it. I'm like, but I like when you do it too. Like, how come you get turned on, but I get turned on when you do all of it. So I used to have a bit about that, but.

I have a dick, so I got a Yelp.

I don't get the movie. That sounds like a book for angry men. Just because I got a dick, I got to yell. They're like, yeah. Right. But she's also in tune with society where I don't know anything. She's like, everybody's talking about this place. I'm like, oh, okay. Well, let's go there then. The only time I ever find a place that people are talking about is if I just Google good restaurants in the neighborhood and I fall ass backwards into it.

That's what I do. Oh, there you go. Yeah, there it is. That's the one. It's in the village. It was a night air. You get some pasta. Man, that looks like good pasta. It's a hell of an Italian joint. A thick noodle.

Love a thick noodle. Love it. I got angel hair down here. I'm struggling. I got a penne. He's got a bow tie. But yeah, fun night. Capped it off on the roof. You know, beautiful view. The whole city behind us. Couple more drinks. Couple friends of hers showed up and...

You know, you get to bed at four, and you know it's a bad hangover when you drink all the way into bed. You know, you look to the side of the nightstand, and there's a fucking half a cocktail, and you're like, oh, I didn't get any water in me. I got no IV, nothing. I had a one-nighter with a girl once. She brings the bottle of wine into my bed, dumps it everywhere. Ah. All over there. By the way, she didn't even feel bad about it. She goes, I made a mistake. Ah. What?

I was like, me too. What the hell is that? I thought it was your mom. I'm keeping you. But then you wake up to the bottle right on the nightstand, and you're like, oh, that's a bad, that's an ugly night. Bad night. Bad night. Every time there's a bottle on your nightstand, you're like, who am I, Bukowski? What the hell is going on here? I had a, oh, here we go. What's with the different glasses? So for some reason we have one is AWOL, so we're going with one jeweled glass and one regular glass. All right. Damn. You guys can trade if you feel it's unfair. I mean.

Mark, what do you think? Is there more than one? They're the same size, the same booze. All right, fuck it. Cheers. All right, here we go. Mint julep, hey. Yeah, it's a little variety on it. I like to use a little soda water as well just to make it a little bubbly. I like that. Especially on a hot summer day like this. Now you can imagine you're at the Kentucky Derby or on the porch.

down south. The porch. You know, like, it has to be a porch, right? Like on the, on the terrace. This is a porch drink. It is, right? Yeah. In the armchair, like swinging. Yes. Or a rocking chair, rather. Yes. You know, with a little, what do you, the, the, Toothpick? Hayseed. Hayseed in your mouth, you know, like, you know. That's where that term comes from.

Somebody called me a hayseed my first week in New York and it stung. What is that? Because a hayseed is like a hick, a redneck, a bumpkin. And I was walking around doing the whole like, and I had this subway map and I was like,

And somebody goes, move it, AC. And I was like, Jesus Christ. I'm in New York, baby. That was actually Sam. Yeah, exactly. I didn't know him yet. You fucking hick. You know what? Dude, that was one of my openers. I did the Keene race track, and everyone dresses really well there. So I remember my opener whenever I played Kentucky was, man, I was the only person here that didn't look like a villain in Django Unchained. Great.

Great movie. Great movie. Christoph Waltz. That guy kills it. Kills it. He had a hell of a run. I haven't seen him in six years. It was like two movies. I mean, I think he's huge there. I think he's huge in his country. I think he's in a Bond movie. Oh, is he? I could be wrong. Give that a go. Graydon Django. It was cool to see him be a good guy because he was so fucking evil in Inglourious Bastards. Wasn't that his first breakout role in Inglourious Bastards? Oh, he's in two Bond movies. Oh, wow. There you go.

What's that? Wasn't Glorious Bastards his breakout role? In America. Yeah, it was already big. Oh.

I think. Apparently the story is. Horrible bosses. All right. Oh, wow. He's in both of them. Okay. I'm going to fuck. Oh, he's in French dispatch. He's in a ton of shit. Oh, yeah. He's cooking. Wow. I'm dumb as shit. I am too. I was like, hey, I haven't seen him in six years and he's been 10 movies. Damn. But yeah, apparently Tarantino is like, I can't figure out who's going to play this Nazi. I can't figure it out. Blah, blah, blah. And then he just happened to come across this guy's tape and he was like, that's the guy. That's it. And he spoke German. Uh.

German, Italian, and English. I mean, it was a lock. Damn. Aren't you always blown away by people who can speak multiple languages? It's other countries. They're better than us. Not all of them. There's some rough ones out there. Mine, the old clip cutters. But, you know...

Most of them, they know way more. I did a trip. I did a gig with a bunch of British comics, and they were making fun of me the whole time. Yeah? They were like, oh, American. Because I'd be like, where is Zaire? And they're like, Jesus Christ, you don't know where Zaire is? I'm like, I don't know. Did you guys...

Have a Zaire test? Who the fuck knows where Zaire is? Well, it's in the middle of Africa. But the geography is what really grossed him out about me. Yeah. Man, this is interesting, this drink. Not bad, right? It's not my... I would never order one, but it's fun to try drinks that... It's not like... What alcohol is in it? It's bourbon. It's bourbon? In a mint julep? I didn't even know that. Bourbon is always in a mint... A mint julep is always with bourbon. Is that always a mint julep? Always, yeah. It has to be bourbon.

They're traditionally sweeter. Traditionally a little sweeter. I just know that you guys aren't really sweet fans. I don't like sweet drinks. But as you get lower, it will get sweeter. Because for mint juleps, you don't use a simple syrup or anything. You actually crush the mint into the sugar. Oh, there's sugar in this? Yeah.

I don't even taste it. It's like raw sugar. So as you go down lower, it'll get a little sweeter as well. Yeah. Raw dog. Is this created in New Orleans or am I gay? I want to say Kentucky. Oh.

All right. I know we got the Sazerac from New Orleans. The Sazerac is definitely New Orleans, yeah. What's New York? Is it Manhattan from here? Yeah, Manhattan. Got it. What else? There's a few different ones. There's a New York Sour, technically. What's a New York Sour? It's basically a whiskey sour with a red wine floater. Ooh.

Really weird really intense because most time it'll be like a Malbec or something like a really dark like no sweet sweet But then like you have the like the sour and whiskey taste as well. Yeah, it looks really cool It's like pretty delicious, but it's an acquired taste. That's what I call you after a bomb. I guess he's a New York sour You have one of those bombs the other night where I was like I need a shower oh

You've ever had one of those where you're like, ugh. You can't shake it. You're in the shower going, why the fuck did I even think that'd be funny? What were you thinking? Yeah, I had a couple. It sucks when you commit to a fucked up premise and then it doesn't hit. Ha ha!

I'm like, I'll say something horrible, and then they don't laugh, and you're like, well, now you just think I'm a bad person. Exactly. And you can't dig out. You'll be like, well, what about Uber, huh? And they're like, nah, we heard your joke about mass shootings. Nice try segueing the Holocaust to taxi cabs. Yeah, no, I had one about abortion, and I went kind of hard with it, and they were like, no. Really? The joke has worked. I've gotten the joke to work, but it's like with new shit, when you're working out new stuff, it's like,

Placement's everything, man. Yeah. If you place a joke where you're kind of a dick or saying something a little fucked up in the first two minutes, it's cockiness. You have a hot set and you're like, I could, because you're experimenting with a new order. You're like, where can I put this? Where does it flow? And then you get a little cocky. You go, I'm open. I'm opening with it. Yeah. I mean, it's like a meal. You can bring out the cheesecake out of the gate. You're like, this is a lot.

It's like going on a first date and just sitting down and going, sex? Exactly. Sex? Exactly, which I've tried. And it does not work. She was a prostitute and she was still like, nah, I don't want to. She didn't take Venmo. I don't know. You hear these stories about, you know what I really hate is when you hear these stories about

People, they will like, oh, can I borrow? First off, who's giving anyone their phone? People are like, can I just borrow your phone real quick? Then you hear stories about people like just Venmoing themselves like $4,000. What? I didn't know about this. Maybe it's like $2,000. Maybe you can't go over $2,000. But they just Venmo this and they're like, oh, thank you. Like a homeless guy? No, just someone who's robbing you. Oh, okay.

It's like a low-key robbery. But they don't do it like, oh, thanks, I just had to make a call. But they Venmo themselves. Oh, that's clever. It's clever. I mean, it's bad. But I mean, I guess they're kind of like, what, are you going to take me to small claims court over 2K? You know, I don't know. Yeah, can you cancel a Venmo? No. Whoa, they got to work on that. Because we've all sent, there's so many Venmo names. Well, the problem is you sell merch, right? If someone does $20 and they just cancel it, though, right? What if they do that? That's the problem. Good point, good point.

Yeah, there's got to be a way around that. I mean, I'm sure that's happened a million times. How many times? You've got two R's in your last name. What if they put one R and there's another guy with that? I've sent the wrong person money before. It sucks when it's a lot of money because you're just like, hopefully they don't cash it. Hopefully they're a good person. Yeah. And does it wear off? You know, like if they never cash it for a year, it should kind of fizzle out, I think. I don't know. I don't know. We got to get the Venmo rules. And are strippers taking Venmo?

I don't know. Because cash is king at a strip club, but it's also good because you make it rain, they put it in the G-string, you know. It's not as dramatic to just be like, meh. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. That's what I'm saying. There's actually a new field of plastic surgery where they just make it into a card swipe and you can do this right between the legs. Yeah, that's fun. I like that. We'll call it the Gash App. All right.

All right. With the hangover. Come on. Damn. I've been sitting on that one for three minutes. Oh, that's what she said. No. God. Terrible. Terrible joke. Well, that's what she said. When it's placed well, it can still work. Terrible joke. But you can't resist sometimes. Oh, yeah. I do get annoyed when people quote shows too much. Can I give you... I got a good wreck, though, for a show. Oh, shit. Coming out of the gate with a wreck. I got a good wreck. Please. And Matt knows what it is because we were talking about it before the... Peters and I were talking about this right before the show. Oh, shit.

The Peacemaker on HBO. Mmm.

Have you seen it? Never heard of it. Dude, it's James Gunn who did Guardians. Oh, yeah. If you're not hooked by the intro, the intro is, I would say, the best intro to a show maybe ever. Is this a Grisham? No, it's James Gunn made it. Oh, okay. It's John Cena is the star of it. It's a superhero show. You got a guilty pleasure for muscular white guys who saved the day. What was the other one? Shooter or Trooper? Oh, fuck. Fuck.

What's that one called? Reacher. Reacher. Reacher round. Yeah, we watched that in Denver with all the guys, and we were just like, hey, we're all high and drunk, and I'm like, Sam wrecked this show. He's got good taste. Let's try it. And three minutes in, we're all like, what the fuck is this shit? I thought they were going to delete your number. This is a better show. All right, all right. Is the guy with the helmet a helmet? Yeah. This is such a great intro here. Come on. So dumb. Oh, wow.

What the fuck? This is so weird. Is this like a Running Man kind of thing? It's DC. It's a comic book. Oh, wow. But it's James Gunn who did Guardians of the Galaxy, who they tried to cancel, by the way. That's right. I remember that. I mean, this is insane that they're just...

This is... They just all did this after they shot the show, I guess. Uh-huh. Yeah. Oh, that was Steve Agee. He's great in it. Oh, really? He's fucking great. What the fuck am I watching? He's making his debut in the second Suicide Squad, right? Yes. I didn't see it. This show's great. Is it about laser tag? No, he's basically like a...

He just got out of prison. Robert Patrick's a dad who's racist as shit. Wait, is that... That's not T2. Yeah. That's T-1000? Yeah. Whoa! And Sopranos, dude. Oh, that's right. And the later seasons of X-Files, which we don't talk about. Well, why are we dancing? It's just fucking weird. I have no idea. If I was high, I'd be slitting my wrist right now out of confusion. No, it's...

It's fucking weird as shit. What is going on? I'm telling you, Matt, am I wrong? It's good as shit. All right, all right. It's like... I got nothing out of that. He's in prison. Yeah, he gets out of prison. He's a murderer. Okay. And they need him to stop these certain types of villains, and that's all I can really give away. But I give it a sweet, solid rec. I mean...

James Gunn is good, dude. No, he's great. He's one of the best, but it's just funny because back in my day when I was banging, the intro to a show gave you a little information about what the fuck's going on. No information. I got an eagle. I got lasers. It's just weird as shit. Yeah, yeah. Buck Rogers is twerking. I don't know what's going on, but you remember everywhere you look and you show the family, you see the house. It's a little more helpful. Full house. Yes. There's a heart. There's a heart.

They need to hold on to. Man, that show, you rewatch Full House. It's pretty terrible. Oh, it's so bad. I thought that was a good show when I was a kid. So did I. So did I. It's not a good show. And I remember my dad being like, oh.

And I was like, fucking geezer. He doesn't get it. But now I totally agree with him. Oh, yeah. I remember my mom watched one with me and she was like, this is not, never made me do this again. She was like mad at me for all this. Yeah. I don't know. And she's an artist. I know. This is art. Get the fuck out of here. At least you got to look at Stamos. Stamos was hot. And so was that Lori Loughlin. I know she's a criminal and whatever. She's fine. She tried to help her daughter get into school. Yeah.

Is she still in there? When you're worth that kind of money, what does college even matter? Yeah, good point. I mean, even if you're not worth money, college is overrated. Yeah, agreed. But like when you... Her husband's like that. Who's that famous...

Massimo. Like the clothing brand? Is that his name? Massimo? That's a fun name to say while you fuck. Eat me, Massimo. Eat me. Yeah, that is sexy. She is a hot older woman. She's a hot milf, and she was on an episode of Seinfeld, and she looked amazing. Because on Full House, they kind of made her, I don't want to say homely, but she was like wholesome and nice and cute. But then when she hots it up, she can be a real number. Yeah, dude. It's the aggressive eyebrows.

Yeah, I like that. I'm an eyebrow fan. Thank you. Yeah. Look at that. That's her on Seinfeld. I can't ever breed with a woman with eyebrows like that, though. My kid's going to look like Mr. Potato Head. I've thought about that. I've gone out on dates with women and they're really hot, but their eyebrows are too aggressive. I'm like, we can't combine forces here. This would be cruel to do to a child. Yeah. What's that real housewife? She's Italian, crazy eyebrow. Housewife of New Jersey. Yeah.

But if you bred with a woman, you would create her. Oh, my God. Oh, what's her name? Crazy Eyebrows. It'd be one of those kids with a beard up here. He'd be like, oh, dude, he's got to shave his eyelids. This sucks. That's her. Look at those brows. That's a lot.

Oh, yeah. That's a lot. Caterpillars up there. That's an Italian lady. That is like if Cher went to the tanning salon every day. That's a lot. Yeah, I think she's in jail now. Is she? Well, they all marry these mobsters and they get in the cahoots with them and then you start helping them with a little...

A little bank fraud, and here we are. What a comedown that must be. You're like on TV, and you're rich, and then all of a sudden you're just in jail. Yeah, I know, right? There she is with the fatigues on, or whatever you call it. Oh, shit.

Wow, good time. You don't watch those shows? No, my lady watches this, and I can feel myself getting dumber watching these trash TV shows. Yeah, now they're doing like The Real Housewives of Salt Lake. What's next, Boise, Idaho? Who gives a shit? I know, right? Well, it seems like what's next is The Real Housewives of Rikers. Now that's a show. Which I would watch. That's a show. I want The Real Housewives of Afghanistan. I would watch that. It's like, man, these ladies don't get away with anything. Yeah, they're not allowed to talk. How do you tell them apart, though?

Oh, the burka. The drama, yeah. You just got to really focus on the eyes. Yes, and we give them name tags. That could be helpful. Burkas should have name tags, or else how the fuck do you know? Imagine those burkas in the heat. Brutal. I had a thought about this, speaking of religion. My cat is on one. He's just going nuts, and he's clawing at everything. Orthodox Jews with the tassels. Yeah. That would be hell if you had a cat all day, just...

Yeah, lint roller all day, right? Well, no, I'm just saying they would attack those hanging, you know, the side ones. Yes. What are those, the payas? Oh, the, what do you call it? It's not called tassels. What are they called? God, I should really know this. Funny word for a Jew, payas. But wait, what are those called? What are they called? The zeets-zeets?

No, no. You know what I'm talking about. The kids have them a lot. Yeah, I don't know the name. None of these. This is not it. I think that's it.

They put them on their belt. Oh, I'm thinking of a different thing. I'm thinking of the thing that goes around the neck. Oh, no, that too. But it's like side to side on each side. It hangs on the hip. You ever have those kids stop you in the street and ask if you're Jewish? All the time. You must get it a lot. All the time, yeah. I find it flattering. Really? Yeah, I like it. All right. But then I go, no, no. And they go, ooh. And I'm like, all right, shit. I say the same thing, but just I don't want to talk to them. There they are.

Those things. Oh, that's got to be a lot. With a cat hitting that all day? Yeah. Well, what do you call those, Matt? Give us a... Oh, it is a Tzitzi. All right. My favorite sauce. Yeah.

Yeah, man. They always want to – it's like it's always sign up for something. I was like, I just want to – I'm always – New York, you never want to be stopped by anyone. Yeah, good point. You just don't. You're walking – even if you're not in a rush, you're trying to get somewhere. Yeah, totally. Or you're walking aimlessly and your headphones are on. You don't want to just talk about Judaism. I know, and I said once, yes, just to see what happened. And they took me to the side and they did like a whole thing with like an ashy whatever, like a candle. Yeah.

And I was like, ah, I got to go. I got to go. It's like 20 minutes in. I was like, this is too much. It's good you left. They would have circumcised you next. That's what they do. That's what that truck is for. That I could use. Are you not circumcised? No, I am. I am. Just kidding. I think of anything, the circumcision is good to give you a nice little angle.

What do you mean? Your dick looks better from certain angles when you're circumcised. Oh, no doubt about it. I mean, the straight up helmet is just not as flattering, I think. But when you have the angle, you're like, oh, this dick is bigger than it is. I completely agree. But the helmet doesn't stay on when you're hard.

Really? Yeah, it should like... Who are you, Darth Vader? I guess I wouldn't know this. Yeah, that was a great joke in Spaceballs. Rick Moranis is Lord Helmet and he goes, she gives great helmet. Damn, Rick Moranis was the best. Oh, so funny. When did people just retire like that? His wife got cancer. Oh, no. So he was like, I'm giving up the business just to help her or something like that. Kid got cancer, something bad happened. Damn. And then...

The sweet guy is got knocked out on the sidewalk in Manhattan. I'm glad I resisted a honey, I shrunk my joke for the cancer. That would have been pretty tasteless. Shrunk my career? I was going tumor. Oh, even better. I'm glad I avoided that and didn't mention it right after it. It's not a tumor. What movie? I was talking. Oh, fuck. What movie is that? I know it's Arnold. Kindergarten Cop.

Good movie. Oh, yeah. What do you think? I was talking to my buddy David Angelo the other day about how there are movie stars back in the day like Burt Reynolds who they could just kind of go anywhere and people were like, that's our guy. Literally blue collar, white collar, wherever you go. Is there a dude? I don't think there's a guy like that anymore. Wait a minute. He's one of us.

He's still a celebrity. Maybe Stallone. Yeah, maybe Stallone. Maybe Stallone. He's kind of like. You mean where the blue collar is accepting? I feel like everyone likes you.

Right. I feel like people across the country can be a little annoyed by Hollywood anyway. I mean, Hollywood can be insufferable. But that's why comedians are great, because I feel like we're still in the real world. Yeah. You know, we have to be, we keep it honest, we make fun of Hollywood, but we also- But we also want their acceptance. I know. It's a horrible way to live. It's like a hot chick at a bar. We're like, yeah, you look like shit, but please fuck me. Yes, exactly. Exactly. Yeah, I'm trying to think. It's a good question, because yeah, Burt Reynolds, he was kind of a man of the people. Nicholson? Nah.

He's like royalty now. The Departed. It's on Netflix. I was just re-watching it the other day. It's so fun, dude. Oh, it's too fun. So silly. You get all juiced up. How does Nicholson say him with a straight face when they're just in the car after Matt Damon graduates from the police academy and he's like, school's out. Yeah.

the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, the rumor is that they let... Nicholson's like, I'll do the movie, but I get free reign. I can do whatever I want. You can't tell me no. And he's like, you got it. Thank you. And then I think he went a little hard. Yeah, that's why that Coke scene is just... You're like, what is this? This should not be in the movie. Nicholson's like, I just want to do Coke. I just...

Also, I love that Nicholson shows up. You're going to play basically Whitey Bulger. You can do a Boston accent. He's like, no, I'm going to talk how I talk in every movie ever. Yeah, exactly. I'm going to change nothing. He does it every 20 minutes. He'll say something like, if I say put the guy in the mosh, you put the guy in the mosh. That's all you got. Also, that rat scene was way over the top. Ridiculous.

All right, Jack. Jesus Christ. That's clearly not the script. You cheese-eating rat. You know Scorsese in the corner like, Jesus Christ. I know. We're just in the car. No more pencils. No more books. Ah.

Just drive me off. Right, right. You got to pull up this photo, Peters, and I'll leave you alone. But it's a photo shoot of Nicholson in, I think, the early 80s. And he won't shut up. He won't cooperate. And they zoom in on the photo, and he's got cocaine all in his nose. Whoa. In his nostrils, yeah. Fun, fun fact. Man, isn't it weird it can make the coolest person kind of insufferable?

Yeah, that's true. Coke is like a cool drug, but you don't want to be around anyone on coke unless you're doing it I guess. I mean you could say the same for alcohol I suppose. I guess, but you can have a couple of drinks. I'm looking for business ideas.

Yeah. They always go, we should start a bar. We should write a movie. We're coked up. We need to make an app that makes apps, dude. Let's do it right now. Yeah, exactly. I'm sure a lot of startups were coke-fueled. There's a lot of stories like Nicholson when he's filming Chinatown with Polanski. Polanski would take forever with these shots sometimes. He'd be so annoyed that he would just go to his trailer and watch the Lakers game. Apparently there was a double overtime game and he would not report to set.

Because he's such a big Lakers fan. And Polanski finally grabs a TV and just smashes it. Oh, damn. Yeah, he did. Is he working? Nicholson? No, no, Polanski. Is he working? I don't know. Sorry, man. This is a goose chase I got you on here. Isn't he hiding out in Europe somewhere? He can't. He is. He's like...

I don't think they give a fuck. Europe's like 15, 20 years behind in me too. Shit. He's good until he dies. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, he got an honor. The Academy Awards honored him like 20 years ago. That was shot. Even then that was shot. Yeah. I was like, wow, they gave it to that guy. Yeah. And I think he got some booze, by the way. Wow. He's working. He's got a post-production with the palace in 2023 is coming out. The officer in a spa. I mean, he's working. I mean, you watch Chinatown. I know he's.

Done some horrible shit, but you watch Chinatown, you're like, this is an incredible movie. Oh, it's incredible. Best picture. What, Mickey Rourke? Mickey Rourke is in it. Matt's laughing his ass off. Wow. John Cleese and Fanny Ardant. John Cleese, dude. Legend. Yeah, that's shocking. Okay. Man, Jeffrey Epstein's ghost. That's crazy. How'd you get him? Produced by Weinstein. That would be hilarious if it was a Miramax.

i just don't know what these are with make your work just last night called spun and it's with that guy from yeah i've never heard about it no not at all uh it's like from like 2008 or something like that it's about like you know an average method falling in with some crazy methods oh fun the the cast is stacked and i've never heard about it look it up pull it up it's

It's pretty awesome. Oh, I've seen this. This movie is dark as shit. It's very dark, but it's good. Brittany Murphy is the love interest. I heard she went method. She's gorgeous.

What do you think happened? She died, dude. Did she die? You didn't know that? Yeah. That was a joke I just made. Yeah, yeah. A lot of tasteful jokes tonight. You might be drunk. Here's a question for the fellas. Eric Roberts, too. Look at that. Would you rather date a girl who dabbles in crystal meth or is super into crystals?

I don't know which one is worse. I feel like they won't talk about the meth. Well, they'll be talking. But they won't be... Yeah, but... Damn, it's close. What's a dabble? It's tough. What's a dabble? You know...

Once a month, she'll go on a real meth binge. But, yeah. Wow. Jesus Christ. That was... Oh, that's filthy. That's prison mad advice. Yeah, that's the producer, folks. Write him a letter, Gotham Studios. We don't agree with what he just said. No, I think...

Yeah, I mean, crystals, but only by an eyelash. Yeah, yeah. Is she using, like, the crystal deodorants? Like, have you seen those? My brother was on that shit. The ones that don't work? Yeah. The ones that do nothing? I use crystals. You're like, hey, you smell like a fucking butthole. Yeah, yeah. I know you use crystals. How about even Tom's deodorant? You ever try that Tom shit? Yeah, I don't trust him. That organic shit. Get yourself some fucking Old Spice. I completely agree. Throw some aluminum in my deodorant. I don't give a shit.

Old Spice I feel like used to be lame but I feel like it's like my go-to now. It's just safe. I feel like it had a run where people thought it was lame. Oh really? It's my go-to. Yeah I love Old Spice. That red the red stick. Yeah. Oh yeah. I'm a secret man. I know that's controversial. I always knew you were a woman. It's a controversial take. Secret? But I like the powdery. Yeah. And it works.

Strong enough for a man. Damn. Yeah. I never heard that. I grew up with my dad had that white bottle, that little one, you know, you do one of these moves, you know? Damn. Yeah. You do. Damn. I didn't know you did that. My dad did that. Oh. Oh, you're talking about Secret? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a Secret guy. They're cheap. They smell good. They feel good. I love it. But yeah, Old Spice is the shit. It's classic. That's like what Axe wants to be.

Remember Axe? I was young. I didn't know Axe was an actual deodorant. It's like body spray. You can't use it as a deodorant replacement. I remember my parents sent me away for like a week to a basketball camp, and I didn't know that I should have brought actual deodorant. I smelled. No one wanted to guard me.

Right, right. I smelled like an asshole. Yeah, yeah, it's bad. And that was huge. I remember the commercial was a guy running shirtless and all these girls are chasing him, like a skinny, like a twerpy guy. And he just went...

That was huge. And they sold like crazy. Yeah. Axe. What happened? Is Axe done? I think people got wise to how just horseshit it is. You need just some fucking deodorant. They need a rebranding. Yeah. They really need a rebranding because it is one of those things. And then we're trying to do like shampoo. And I'm like, I didn't trust you for deodorant. Nah. I'm going to bathe with you, dude. Right. Fuck that shit. What was that old Galifianakis joke that doesn't age well about he's like the black people have a hotline called Axe.

What? Oh, I'm fucking it up. You know, like ask, but axe. He did on SNL. Damn, man. He opened with it, yeah. Damn. Killed.

And I'm butchering it. It's a better joke. That goal post keeps being pulled in. Oh, SNL. Imagine doing that now. Woo-wee. But yeah, funny joke. But yeah, Axe was big. Old Spice is always the key. It's all about quality. If you have quality, it'll last. Yeah. I remember the first day I had BO, I went to public school. And I had horrible BO, and I didn't know it. And I got my ass kicked by everybody. Like, damn, you stink, motherfucker. You know, it was bad. Yeah.

It was bad. Because, you know, when you're a kid, you can go like three days without showering and it's not that big of a deal. Well, I don't know, dude. That could be a big deal. It's not like now, but you got to shower, especially in this heat. Holy shit. But you don't really see a kid with B.O., like a 10-year-old. Do they have B.O.?

I don't know. They can smell like piss and vinegar and fish. But they just smell. I don't know. But you're right. It might not be B.O. Yeah. So I never had B.O. And then one day, I guess I just hit puberty or something. And I had horrific B.O. And I mean, these kids were relentless. I remember I was a chubby kid. And I remember like feeling my I like the day I realized I grew tits.

That's a tough feeling. Because I remember I just felt it at a sleepover. My friend was like, yeah, you have tits. He confirmed it. I was like, shit. And he's like, can I get a feel? I let him suck them. But, you know, it was, you know. No, yeah, that's a tough feeling. That's tough. I was a chubby kid, too. And my whole childhood was just looking down to make sure I didn't have the roll. You know, you always had to stretch the shirt.

That was big. That was bad, dude. Tits, though. I never had tits. I never got to that level. They were tiny tits. I mean, it was an A cup, but it was still a bummer. Can we get a photo of you shirtless? Chubby? Chubby. I'll try to find one. Oh.

I'll jerk off to that. One eyebrow, two tits. That's what we call it. That's the book. That's the memoir. One eyebrow, two tits. I really, you know, I didn't really, I beat it by just kind of growing. I just had a big growth spurt. I didn't really do anything. I mean, I played sports and shit, but like, I didn't like, you know, you just beat it by getting tall. Yeah. Well, puberty is like, it's almost like steroids where it just,

It levels you out. Like I was a chubby kid too and then I hit puberty and it just melted away. Isn't that cool? That's so cool. Now it's like I fucking drink anything. I got to run for like Jesus Christ. I know. I know people ask us like you guys aren't big and you guys drink all the time. It's like yeah it's fucking work. Yes. Yes. That's a great Stan Hope joke. He's like it sucks that kids are so like healthy and they can heal but

He's like, I need it now. Back then I was a happy kid. I didn't need to drink. Now I need to drink because I'm an old adult piece of shit with bills. And now I can't because of my body.

I'm butchering that one. Stan Hope is so great. I mean, he's someone I want on this show so badly. I mean, Doug Stan Hope, I love his joke about excess and moderation. He's like, don't have a couple drinks every night. Pick one night and get really fucked up. Yes, yeah. Oh, that's brilliant. Here's the other one about when young people are like, catch up.

And he goes, I've had fucking 10,000 more beers than you. You catch up, motherfucker. He has some old classic one-liners, too, where he's like, today's been a bummer. I blew a speaker in my car. He was motivational. He's got one of my favorite comedy jokes ever where he says to the crowd at the beginning of a taping, he goes, when I do comedy, it's like I'm taking you into war. You're not all going to be here by the end.

That's incredible. Especially for the type of comedy he does. That's brilliant. I love Stan Hope. Damn. Yeah, he's great. I mean, if we had him on the show, we'd have to clear the schedule and it'd probably go four hours. Does he still go that hard? Oh, yeah. Really? Oh, yeah. He's a mess. That worries me. I know. I know, but... I don't want to go that hard because I don't want to have to quit. Exactly. That's the thing is like...

Like Ron White quit. Sometimes people will say to me like, you know, on the road, like have a drink. I'm like, I need to pace myself. Yes. Because I want to enjoy. I like alcohol. I like a buzz. I don't like getting like fucking wrecked. When I was young, I did. Yeah. But that's shit you're trying to escape. Exactly. Like Gillis is always like, I want to see you hammered. I want you getting

really drunk i'm like why though why i get it it's fun whatever but like i won't remember it and then tomorrow will be ruined yeah it's also like it's also like a compliment to shane i think shane is so funny i want to remember the hang yes yes i remember with the seller one night and he was like he was like i grabbed a whiskey and he's like oh are we doing this i'm like what is this the x games just trying to have a fucking whiskey right exactly we're casually hanging out and having a drink

And look, I'm all about getting hammered. I did it last night, but you got to pick and choose. I mean, it was her birthday. Birthdays are hard. Yeah. And it's like sometimes it's just fun to get drunk with someone you love. Yeah. I mean, we drink together a lot. And it's like we drink a good. I mean, I feel like off the pot will go a little harder. Sure. We do want to keep this entertaining. Yeah. And we have microphones that are recording. Although it is a good disclaimer. Yes. If someone tries to cancel us, we might have been drunk. Yeah.

It's possible. Here, here. It's the name of the pod. You got that right. Well, I got bad news, or maybe it's good news, but I know you're not coming to the bachelor party anymore, but guess who took your place? DeRosa. Yeah, but... Who else? Kreischer. Really? So... Oh, shit. Should I say where it is? Is that stupid? Okay. All right. I won't say where it is. But Kreischer's coming, and that just adds a whole other element, because he's a millionaire, and...

A multimillionaire. A multimillionaire and the biggest drunk on the planet. So this really kicked up a notch. Yeah, well, that's going to be a tough week now. Oh, yeah. But we're doing a separate bachelor party in New York. Yeah. You, me, Phil Hanley. We'll get a different crew. I wanted to be there. There's just no way with the road shit. Yeah.

I get it. Yeah, I'm bummed I'm not going to be there. DeRosa will be fun. DeRosa's another drunk where I'm like, I can't. I'm too old for this shit. And by the way, so is he. He's older than us. Yeah. I mean, I love Joe to death. He's legitimately one of the people who makes me laugh the hardest that I know. DeRosa's...

insanely funny. So funny. Two straight years at his birthday party. He would do these big pub parties on like a Monday, maybe with three straight years. I go to his birthday every year.

I leave at what? 2.30, 3 a.m. on a Monday? That's getting off easy, too. Yeah, I know. And as I'm leaving, he's like, fuck you, you piece of shit. I'm like, dude, it's like you and three dudes with switchblades in their mouth. The party's dwindling down. And he's like, fucking asshole, fuck you, Morel, you piece of shit. And I'd be like,

No, now I want to stay. Let me come back in. By the way, that is a peeve of mine. The people who I shot at the Matarosa yesterday and they were like, drink for it. We want you to drink for it. And I said, oh, I'm probably not going to drink because I got a bunch of shows after. And he just writes pussy. Ah.

I hate the calling the adults. I'll drink when I choose to drink. I drink plenty. I know, I know. It never ends. But the problem with DeRosa now is we've all been like, all right, I'm going to get out of here. And he's like, where are you going, pussy? Now he owns a bar. There's no escape. You're like, I got to get out of here. He's like, why? I got to take a shit. We were at his bar yesterday. Oh, there you go. That's the perfect thing where he's like, we're there, and he's like,

It is hilarious when you have a friend where you're like, this guy's got a drinking problem. You're like, what, do you think he's going to get sober? No, I think he's going to buy a bar. He bought a bar. Yeah, all the things you say you're going to do on Coke, he does. I'm going to start comedy. I'm going to start a bar. I'm going to do a podcast with Sal Locano. He actually does them. He follows through. Dude, he...

Bought a fucking bar. Yeah. It's a cool bar. Beautiful bar. It's really, it's like, you know what? I like old school bars. Like it's got that kind of like hipster energy in a way that, that's not annoying. Yes. Hipster bars can be annoying, but I love the old movie, uh,

I mean, it's fantastic. It feels like mean streets in there. It's like very kind of 70s New York, Lower East Side. Go to Joey Rose's if you live in New York or if you're visiting. You've heard of DeRosa. I think he's our only two-time guest. Yeah, maybe. Him and Ari. Oh, too. That's Ari as well. The gift of gab, Joe. He can talk forever. But yeah, no, I'm bummed to miss this thing. I mean, the real MVP of this bachelor party is Joe List, who's going to be sober around all you fucking lunatics. Yeah.

How the hell is he going to do that? I pulled him aside yesterday. I was like, hey, so you know you're DD. And he's like, I don't want to be DD. I'm like, you're DD. Like, who else? You're the drunk driver. Why can't you just Uber? Or designated driver, sorry. You can't just Uber? I think we're getting quite a big Sprinter van. How many people is it? Oh, jeez. I think we got about eight or nine.

Yeah, yeah. So it's got to get pretty rough, but I think it'll be fun. Well, I'm sorry to miss it, man. I'm bummed to miss it. It's probably for the best. We might all die.

Damn. We'll see you in New York. I'll come on the next episode. Welcome to I Might Be Drunk. No, it's... Damn, dude. Yeah, be careful. I mean, DeRosa and Bert, that brings an energy that I am concerned. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It'll be interesting. Just because Bert's going to have something up his sleeve, he's like, here's what we'll do. We'll get drunk, and then we'll go to the gun range. Yeah.

You're like, well, wait a minute. Should we combine those two? And then he's like, and then I got us a donkey. We can ride it. We can pet it. We can fuck it. Whatever it is. He'll have something. DeRosa's shit face. He's like, I fucked the donkey, dude. Fuck. I fucked it.

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Get on it! Bert always has something up his sleeve, ironically. He has no shirt on, but he's like, he's like, I have the last dodo. We'll play with the dodo. I got the last one. They're not extinct. I got the last one. We'll get it drunk. We'll play with it, then we'll shoot it, and then we'll eat it. Then we'll eat it! Exactly! Exactly!

He's like, how'd you get a donut? We're doing it up in New York. We're going to do something special. All right. We'll have a good separate crew of comics who can't make that one. And that's going to be a, we're going to do either Steakhouse, Sushi Spot, and then maybe some shenanigans late night. We'll do an old school drunk night where we just need to get fucking, we'll just get ripped. We'll get ripped.

All right, I like it. I'm thinking sushi, back room, you know, with like the sliding wax paper door and the lady comes in and we get the sake and there's a bubbler, like a weird zen garden and you hear like the, you know, the monks or whatever. I don't know. I'm going to find this place. I don't know where it is. All right, all right. I'll tell you, Peeve. Please. Omakase sushi. Hmm.

What does that mean? It means $400 and still not full. That's what it means. I've been there. Fucking unbelievable. Yeah. Bad date spot because you just keep eating and the bill's nine million bucks. It's insane. Dude, it's the most expensive shit I've ever had. I would say the same for Sugarfish, which is like the hot sushi place. We went there together. We did? Yeah, in L.A.

Yeah, I felt like we got gypped. Me too. Yeah. I don't want to be negative energy because you always bring good energy and I don't want to hurt the energy. But you could trash a restaurant. I know, but we were having a fun night, so I just was like, yeah, fuck it. We'll drink. We were hanging out. We were having our sushi. I didn't want to be the negative Nancy. But yeah, I was pretty pissed at that place. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a chick spot. It is. That's what it is, completely. You know what the problem was? We went there because-

We were opening for Burt that night, and it was like 4 p.m. when we needed dinner. And because of the fucking pandemic, every dinner spot for some reason opens at 5 or 5.30. We wanted Musso and Frank's. Yeah, of course. The classic. I know. And then I heard Letterman was there the night before. I'm really glad. Yeah. If we didn't go there, that would have ruined my fucking... Hey, Dave. I'm doing your show in a day. Hey, buddy. Yeah.

Just ruin his dinner. Yeah. He's like, this guy's on the show. Get rid of him. But yeah, I know. So we had the sushi. It's fine. Whatever. But we'll go to a real sushi spot and really, really fill up and get some sake. Do you go hot sake or regular? Hot all day. Really? Are you regular? I don't know. It's your party. We'll do whatever you want. I can cry if I want to. But I don't know. I don't know.

Hot seems weird. How did... What do you guys... You're the bartender. I mean, you're the expert here. I mean, I think... I really like hot sake across the board. Like, if you don't know, like, the spot or, like, you don't see the selection because it'll be generally, like, pretty decent across the board. But I like the...

like unfiltered sake, the one that has like a little sediment in it, and it almost looks like milky. Ew. It looks weird, and the mouthfeel and the texture is something to get used to, but the flavors are awesome. Let's get some of that milky sake, man. It's usually higher proof as well, and it's delicious. Oh, I see what he's talking about. Yeah.

Jeez. Damn, it looks like a miso soup. It does. But it's fantastic, though. Like, it has, like, all the, like, it has, like, so many crazy flavors in it. I'd leave that out for my cat. That's one lucky cat. Yeah. Fuck catnip, I guess. Dude, I want to try that. It's good, man. There's a lot of, just look for unfiltered sake. Sake is underrated. We haven't done a sake yet. We haven't done a sake yet. Let's do a sake yet. All right, let's do a sake yet. All right. I'll force some, absolutely. I'll wear my kimono.

I think we, let's do a, let's do a sake app where we both show up in robes. Oh, now we're talking. Now we're talking. Just toeing that line right there. You're out. We're getting a geisha. We already got a gay. I'll paint my face, dude. Well, you got to box those feet though. That's the thing. You got to have that wooden shoe.

And we make your feet smaller. My feet need to be a boat, like a canoe. What are you rocking? 14 and a half. 14 and a half? What are you? I'm 13. 14 and a half. Man, I'm 11. 11? Yeah, 11 big. All right, I feel like Gary Coleman in this room. What are you, Peters? 14. 13. Damn, we got some big feet.

Big feet in this room. Damn. Big shoes to fill. All right. Oh, I got to, speaking of shoes, I got a fucking wreck. Oh, all right. Dr. Scholl's, man. Oh, I wear them every day. Rocking them right now. That's all I wear. Why would you not at this point? I agree. They're a game changer for me.

Are we just old? No, just being on my feet all the time. Yeah, you're standing. I'm wearing Pumas. I love how they look, but they're the least comfortable fucking shoes on the planet. Anything with a flat shoe is just like... Throw some Shoals in there, you're good. Fantastic. With the arch support? Yeah, they really change it. I wear New Balance usually. Tonight I'm wearing these. What are those? These are Reebok.

Oh, they look cool. That's my Dr. Scholl right there. It's worn to shit. Damn. I know. I love Dr. Scholl. You wore that pussy out, dog. I know. Sometimes I go, no socks, I raw dog. But yeah, yeah, I love them. They're huge. Game changer.

And we're stand-up comedians, and you're a bartender, so it's all standing. No, Dr. Scholls is a fucking underrated... Oh, what did you just pop, dude? Just a salsa. A salsa. All right. Mark, what do you... Give me a record of peeve. Let me peeve. Yeah. Two peeves. And how do you feel about this? Because it's kind of a cool guy move, but I'm not into it because I'm so insecure. Leaving the phone call, no buy. Okay.

What do you mean? Like, they don't say bye. Oh, I hate that. Okay, my dad does that. I was just talking to a girl who does that, and I was like, what are you doing? Yeah, you know, you're like, all right, I'll see you at dinner at 8. Dinner at 8. Boop. I'm like, hello? Did I lose you? I need a bye. I need an ending. Unacceptable. Unacceptable. I'll give you another one. The abrupt bye.

No lead up. No, like I got to go by just a you're just talking like, all right, bye. Oh, that's fucking weird, too. That's bad, too, because you can't come back after a bye. I can't be like, wait, wait, wait, wait. I wasn't done yet. Once you get here, bye. It's over. I don't like it. Yeah. But I mean, I think we've talked about this in the pod before. Who knows? But back in the old flip phone days, this was a muck when people could just go, all right, I'll see you later.

Clamshell. Yeah, you're right. Everyone thought they were fucking Ari Gold. What about this guy? Remember there was a phone that would beep? It would be like, beep, beep. So, all right, I'll see you Thursday at 1. Beep, beep.

Okay, I'll be there. Remember that one? It was almost like a walkie-talkie. Yeah, the Nextel one. Was it Nextel? Yeah, it was the Nextel one. That was a real epidemic. That was a real dirtbag who owned that phone. Yeah, it was drug dealer type shit. But in public. They're putting truck notes on their cars as well. That was it. That was it. The yellow one. Yeah, you're not in the military. You're fucking, you're hanging on the street corner annoying everybody around you. Yes, even in the ad, he's talking into it like a fucking asshole.

Yeah. Yeah. When phones were fun. I got another phone peeve. All right. The long voice memo. Oh, yeah. That's crazy. I had people leaving me a minute and a half. I'm talking to you, Salacuse, if you're listening. A minute and a half. What the fuck is that shit? Yeah, yeah. That's unacceptable. A minute and a half? That's too much. The phone call, at least we're going back and forth. I mean, if you talk that long on a phone, it doesn't feel as draining. But just like that, I mean, that's crazy.

A minute and a half? I actually had this peeve once, and he was sitting here, and I bailed on it. Really? Because it's all him. Yeah, he does it. Well, I don't know what it is. Maybe it's because he's walking his dog or something. Dude, Matt, pick up the phone and fucking call me. I know. I mean, I get it because I'm back and forth on it. He's on a gig right now. We're just trashing him. I feel terrible. Sorry, Matt. But you want to get an idea out, but you also don't want to type at all. So I get that. And also, you might not be able to do a back and forth.

polite conversation. So you're getting the idea out quick. So that way I get it, but sometimes they get a little too winded, you know? In New York, it's unacceptable. In LA, I almost understand it a little because you're like, all right, you're driving or something, so you're doing the voice memo. Here, subway, I mean, we're not driving. You should be texting.

I agree. Remember when we thought texting wouldn't catch on? Well, T9 was a real cunt. Remember that? That was a fucking cunt. That was a bitch hitting that 7 15 times just to spell skedaddle. Then Blackberry came out and we're like, well, clearly Blackberry is the phone of the future. Ha ha ha!

It's got a scroller. It's like a golden tee. Oh, dude, I thought those looked so cool. Blackberry. Yeah, they look great. All the Wall Street guys had them. Oh, man, you're just like on the thing like this. You're like, this is how you do it. And then, holy shit. Yeah, yeah. You were playing Brick Breaker the whole time. It was a lot of that. And now I got one more phone peeve. Wait, I forgot it. Hold on. Phone peeve. You'll get it.

I believe. Oh, I got it. All right. So I was talking on the phone with a guy in a comedy club, and it kept cutting out. Because, you know, comedy club, basement, you know, it's all closed off. So I'm like, I'm losing you, man. I'm losing you.

All that shit. So it just call ends. So he calls back and he goes, whatever. I just want to say this. And I go, all right, got it. Got it. It's going to go out again. It goes out again. He keeps calling back. And I'm like, it's not going to work, man. And then we called me like 19 times. And eventually I was like, who is this? It's similar. Similar. Yeah, but it wasn't him. But he just kept calling back. And I'm like, it's not me.

in a tunnel I'm in a comedy club I'm not I'm gonna be here for a while what point do you just think to text exactly he never texted texting is great because you're not demanding that much of someone's attention right it's kind of like you get to it when you get to it yeah and if you want to have a back and forth you can have it but you

You know, sometimes people send me a long text. I'm like, hey, I'll get to this in a minute. I'm doing something. Yeah. Yeah. I got another phone peeve. All right, please. We're on a rant here. My mom will do this sometimes. I'll be like on the phone with her and there's like honking. She's like, where are you? Aruba. Where the fuck do you think I am? I'm in Midtown. There's traffic. There's honking. I'm at home. Right, right. I'm on a private jet. Where are you? What the... I'm on the road. That's hilarious. Where are you?

Man, this is going to be a great mashup of just phone peeves, Matt. Just ranting. Now I got another peeve that could be related to the phone. Yeah. What's going on with Gmail? I got a Gmail from a guy who goes, hey, what was the name of that song we talked about? And I go, hold on, let me check the search. So I'll put in the search Led Zeppelin. Nothing. Nothing.

Nothing comes up, but I'm like I swear to God I wrote Led Zeppelin a month ago in an email or whatever Rolling Stones So then you're like well. Let me try led now led nothing there Let me try Zeppelin then something comes up from 2004 and you're like what the fuck is this what's going on with the Google search? I can't find any email is it on your phone or your computer getting a phone computer will give you a better one really? Delete shit am I wrong man. Why would that ah? the storage

I don't know. I've had the same problem. I'm looking for jokes a lot. Yes, yes. Yeah. So you're like, whatever, basketball or chihuahua, and you type it all in and nothing comes up. But I'm like, what is that? I might be wrong, but I think it's like, it depends which inbox you're searching it in. Like if you're in drafts or in lifespan or in inbox or outgoing. But can't you do search all? I have no idea. Okay. Not that.

Because texts are pretty good. Like if we talked about T-shirts one day, I'll type in shirts and it'll come up. You know, like 18 text threads of shirt talk will come up, but I can find it. Like I put bodega, a bodega cat conversation will come up. Fuck, I missed our conversation. It's coming soon though, right? Yeah, yeah. He said roll out in August. Early.

Early August, it'll be on the website. It's literally the most asked question I get is when is Bodega Cat coming? I saw Chris in Houston when I was there. The guy brings some of the best whiskey. I'm going to have to bring it in. He brings in a fucking bottle from 1969. Chris Hart. Thank you, brother. It's shaped like this. And I was like, why is it shaped like a rectangle? He said, because in the 60s, men would put it in their briefcase. Get the fuck out of here. How cool is that? So we're drinking that. We're drinking like he brings some like

He brought me a bottle of Pappy, dude. Oh. I mean, fucking, like insane whiskey. I mean, it was a horrible idea because I was like, I'm not going to drink this weekend. I was drunk every show. I was like, how do you, I mean, you know what's about when someone's drinking whiskey that good. I'm with people in the green room who don't drink. I got, oh, look at that cat. That's a good looking label. I got Vitor who doesn't drink and I got DeWood who's filming me who doesn't drink. He's like a fucking 19 year old kid. Oh, really? I found him on Epstein's call logs. Oh.

No, but none of these guys drink, but I'm like, this whiskey's so good. You know it's good whiskey when you're like, I'm going to drink alone every night. Yes. I've never had the Pappy. It's like this mythical legend. I haven't had it yet. Oh, you haven't had it. I didn't open it. Wait, wait, what? I thought you were drinking Pappy. I opened the other. He bought other bottles, too. Ah, got it. These are bottles from the 60s that are high end. Wow.

The briefcase thing blows my mind. Isn't that cool as shit? That is so cool. I mean, it's probably not cool. They were fucked up at work all day and then coming home and probably hitting their wives. Probably not cool at all. Imagine that clanking, too. Like, what, do you got a lot of files in there? No, it's actually alcohol. This is my work. This is my work briefcase. Yeah, leave me alone.

I wonder if doctors were doing that too. Oof. Probably. You ever think about that? I've hooked up with doctors and they're just like, we just get ripped and I'm like, are you working tomorrow? And they're like, yeah. I'm like, that's horrible. That's crazy. That's insane. Doctors and teachers are the two biggest, when I've gone on dates with doctors and teachers, and lawyers too really put them back. Yeah, but doctors, I mean, teachers hung over, you play a movie. A doctor's hung over, you kill someone. Right. Yeah, that's a good point. I don't know, are you a fucking, what's worth, a science teacher or a surgeon? Come on. Ha.

This is a fucking problem. I got another bad one is my buddy's a pilot and he puts them back. Damn. Delta. That's not what you want to hear. Hey, there's your pilot. I'm fucking working hard up here. You guys up? Any hot ladies on this flight? I'm just kidding. My dick doesn't work. We should land in about two to three hours, hopefully.

You can take your mask off up here. I'm just saying. They got rid of the peanuts, but all right. Two pilots, thank God, right? I mean, that's fucking. Wait, what? Two pilots on a flight. Oh, yeah, yeah. Good point. That is true. I always think about that. One of them's got to take a violent dump. Right. One of them's got to just, you know, I don't know. Got to fly the plane. Yeah. How hard could it be?

I mean, they're having some staff shortages right now. That's right. I did notice. Someone messaged me because I said, I feel like turbulence is getting worse. There's these articles. These pilots are overworked. So what does that mean? I just think, like, they're exhausted. So they're hitting bumps? I don't know. Interesting. But when they're... Maybe those two aren't connected. But maybe that's why the flights are all getting canceled. They're all getting delayed. I mean, these pilots are...

I mean, I don't know. I feel like you do a worse job at anything if you're sleep deprived. Of course, of course. And then the travel has gone way back up, obviously, and it's summer, so everybody wants to go travel and go overseas and all that. So it's a bad combination. I don't think anyone wants to go to the places I'm hidden this fall. Fort Wayne, Indiana, Springfield, Missouri.

We got the same schedule as like a Marine. I gotta go here and do boot camp or whatever. I'm pumped. I'm kind of pumped to do it though. It's like, I need to run these. That's the excitement of like running a new act is like, man, the difficulty of just structuring it and putting it together is kind of a rush. Like it keeps you humble. Like you can't really ever get a big head when you're just,

Try new shit and bombing. No, and you're doing tougher rooms too. So you don't have that cushy like, oh, they like me here. Yes and no though. I think some of those smaller cities, like not everyone hits those smaller cities. So they're kind of true.

They're kind of pumped too. I don't know. They appreciate it. But I did Fort Wayne and it was a slugfest and I was going in there with an act. Yeah. And it was a lot of guys getting thrown out. Damn, you bring your A game. Oh, yeah. And it was still like, you suck. Talk about this. Fuck that. Talk about that. You know.

Fuck that. Always the worst when they name other comics. Like, what's up with Tim Dillon? You're like, he's not here. I'm here. I've heard that. I've had that too. Yeah. I've gotten heckled about you before. Yeah, there you go. Yeah. How's Mark?

fine yeah the worst is where where's sam he's on a gig yeah he's a comedian you know we're very lucky though i feel like our people that come out to see us are very comedy savvy oh yeah like i've one of the best compliments i ever get from from wait staff or club managers like man your crowd really drinks and they're really well behaved yes i've heard this wow i think like

We have really cool listeners. Yeah. And we have like going off the Patreon, we have really creative listeners. Like the shit they send in. Oh yeah. Artists and writers and all these like cool people that listen to this. It's so nice. We should have a name for our, they drink, but they're still sophisticated. Briefcase Drunks. Ooh. That's the name of our fan base. They're Briefcase Drunks. They still go to work, but they still like to, you know, have a couple of tall ones. Well, you have one of my favorite bits about the functioning alcoholic. Oh,

Oh, it's more impressive. You deserve more credit if you're an alcoholic. Exactly. Yeah. Hey, he's so drunk he didn't go to work. It's like, fuck you. I slept here. Yeah. That's a great bit. Oh, thanks. I like a joke defending the alcoholic. Right. I mean, when I first heard that before I even knew you, that hit a little too close to home. Oh, shit. Okay. Because I just woke up in a bar that I'm supposed to open right now. Oh, shit. On the floor? No, no, no. On the couch? I have a little office.

A Murphy bed? That was a while ago. Isn't it funny that the shitty bed is an Irish name too? Oh.

They can sleep anyway, these people. That's good. Yeah. By the way, the Murphy bed was the coolest thing as a kid. And then now, if you see somebody with a Murphy bed, you're like, what a fucking loser. Yeah. What is a Murphy bed? It comes out of the wall. It's like a fold-up, yeah. Oh, oh, oh. You've seen it in movies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I always thought that was cool when it was a movie. In a movie, it's always a show where the big loser guy is. I know. In Manhattan, it's sometimes kind of cool because it's like someone who's really space conscious. Right. They have the ones that descend from the ceiling now. Wow.

So it covers your couch or living room or whatever and turns your shitty studio into... That's what I mean. It's like you have more space. I don't think it's as dumb. When you live in a really expensive city, it's not as lame. I mean, there's something about... I mean, in Who Framed Roger Rabbit, the detective has a Murphy bed. It's supposed to show that he works in his office and he's a loser. Right. But I think it is kind of cool. I mean, if you're in a light and you have a Murphy bed,

Wow. That's rough. But do you have to get caught up in it? I mean, that's every cartoon. Like, you sleep in it and it closes. Yeah. I mean, we've got that joke down, folks. We got it. And then the one that comes out of the ceiling I couldn't have because I'd get drunk and get crushed. You know, you're like, oh, here's my bed. And you just lay on the floor and then...

Just smushes you. That is kind of cool, though. Yeah, I mean, it's a good look, but I would get caught up in that thing. Anything futuristic like that. No, it's crazy high tech. It looks so cool. I've been looking for apartments and stuff like that, and I saw a few of those. I was like, what is this? Remember the first time you saw a TV come out of a dresser? My grandpa had one of those, and I think it was really cool in 1989. Yeah. And then he had it, and I was like, this is kind of fucking lame. It takes a minute.

Well, like out of the footboard? Well, tech shit, when you go too hard with tech and like at a certain point. It ages. Yeah, it ages. I mean, like you look at it, like go to a good casino. You ever go to the Rio? Oh.

That was a great casino in the 80s. Look at one of those rooms now and you're like, this is fucking trash. Yeah. This is a bad room. Dice played here. You're like, yeah, and I think that's the peak. 1989, baby. Look at Waterbed. Waterbed's another one where you're like, this is the coolest thing, the height of technology, and then you're like, this sucks. Yeah. Waterbeds do suck. I don't understand Waterbeds at all. It's good on paper. For what? I like a firm mattress. I do too. I do too.

I think they had sand ones for a hot minute too. Yeah, I like a rock hard mattress. Throbbing. Veiny. I like a veiny mattress. Remember memory foam? That was the big one for a while. Memory foam is good. Is it? Well, memory foam pillows are good for you. You don't use a memory foam? No, I need a better pillow. I got a bad pillow. Oh my God, get yourself a decent pillow. That's everything. Maybe I'll hit up MyPillow. MyPillow. That guy. I don't like his pillows. I love his views. I love a crucifix.

No, I like a good neck pillow. Go with a temper neck or one of those good pillows, man. Game changer. You sleep well.

do you ever i've been having to sleep on my back lately instead of i used to sleep like on my on my stomach which apparently is horrible for you yeah and you sleep on your back i don't mean you ever just get horrible nightmares doing that i definitely dream a lot more on your back right absolutely 100 what is that is there a reason man is there a reason for this can you look that up that's interesting i would say that the only thing i would say is that because there's more light hitting you if you have windows if you don't have blackout curtains

I do the sleeping mask. Your REM sleep keeps getting intermittently, or rather, it keeps getting interrupted. So you keep having cycles of dreams rather than just falling back into deep sleep. I go side every night. Really? I'm all right side like that. Damn. Yeah. You probably have a better neck than me. No.

Maybe, but my pillow sucks. I got to get on the pillow. If you're going to sleep on your side, get the leg pillow. I like the leg pillow. You put a leg, like you're just pulling under your knees? If you're sleeping on your side, get some because that helps your back a lot. I put a little pillow under my legs too.

It's just easier to fall asleep on your back that way. Boy, you're a high-maintenance sleeper. I don't like it this way, dude. I have a fucked-up neck. Yeah, we got the neck pillow, you got a fur mattress, you got a leg pillow, and you got the eye mask. Neil Brennan has the funniest bit about that, about how my white friends, when they're sleeping, look like they're in the ICU. Oh, that's a great bit.

My black friends look like they fell asleep in the middle of a conversation. White people need the pillow, the white noise machine. I used to be this way, dude. I had fucking discs burnt off my spine. I've had some legit...

problems and spine problems. I used to sleep in my stomach. I used to just, I have to pay attention a little bit. Yeah. If you tell me you got the mouth guard, I'm going to leave. I, you know, that thing. The sleep apnea thing? Well, oh, the CPAP is bad, but I'm talking about like when I was a kid growing up, they had the braces kid. Hmm.

You know, who had the big mouth thing? That was a problem. Thank God I don't have the Darth Vader sleep mask thing. Yeah. Oof. You know what else is bad, too, is the chewing. The guys who chew in their sleep, they grind their teeth, so they have to wear like a kicker, like a mouth guard. Grinding your teeth. Yeah, pull that thing up. It's like a weird rubber thing that football players wear.

And he's got to wear it every night in front of ladies. Stress? Yeah, probably. If you're grinding your teeth, you're probably not able to relax. Yeah, yeah. It's pretty ugly. These aren't... Yeah, it's kind of like that. It's rubber and it's got a big handle in the front so you can pull it out. Should we do... Give me a rec, man. Oh, hey, rec. Well, I wanted to ask if you saw the Chappelle...

School speech. I haven't. Have you? I did. I watched it. It's interesting. I don't think it's billed as a comedy special, but it's pretty interesting. You know the story? They tried to name a theater. He went to this art school in D.C. They tried to name a theater after him, and all the kids protested. Right. So then he gave a speech at the school about defending himself.

And it's pretty interesting. Interesting. Because he comes off like the good guy, although he's very braggadocious. Yeah, I saw the quotes and I... The quotes are bad. Look, it's a little Kanye-ish. It's a little... Right, right. Obviously, I love Chappelle and I think a lot of him, but I don't love the...

I'm of the thought of like let other people say it. I agree. I completely agree. Let other people say that you're great instead of you tell us you're great. Yeah. Or let the work say. Yeah. I don't view comedy as like a sport where like I know when Muhammad Ali is like saying he's the greatest ever. I just think it's different. I think in a competitive environment you do that shit. It's a competitive advantage.

in an art form or an entertainment setting. I just think it's a little different. Well, yeah, subjective versus you can see points or that guy's knocked out, that guy's not knocked out. There you go. He's got a better record than him. It's more cut and dry. It doesn't need to be said. But I thought it was worth a watch, and at the end he pulls a string and he goes, we won't use my name, but we'll call it the Theater for Freedom of Expression.

Which I thought was a nice little move at the end there. Like, hey, let me just say what I want to say. All right. Maybe not the best Rick, but... No, no, no. I've heard it's interesting. I love Chappelle. I think he's interesting and funny and, you know... It's an interesting watch because it's not really comedy. He's like kind of pleading his case. But... Yeah.

I've also been, I know I'm way late to the game, but I'm way in the house of cards. Really? What season? I'm on season four. I'm loving it. You waited until Spacey went to court to watch this shit. I think I did, yeah. It's so good. Did you just watch Chinatown and Rosemary's Baby as well? Yeah.

I'm getting on perfect strangers next. But it's so good. My God. Robin Wright. Amazing. She's so hot. So hot and such a hell of an actor. And Spacey kills it. And it's just the weaves and the bobs. It's a good show. Great show. Oh, man. What's his name? Mahershala Ali is incredible. Yes. He's incredible. That was like where I discovered him.

I know he's probably been working forever, but... So you watched it when it was new? Yeah. Oh, okay. I just got on that. Oh, yeah. That's like... There aren't a ton of great Netflix originals. That was sure as hell one of them. Oh, man. Amazing. I mean, original shows, I mean. Now, here's the question, because, I don't want to spoiler alert, but Spacey is kind of being worked out. He's being a dick, and everybody hates him, and he's kind of crumbling. Did they know he was going to get in trouble, and they wrote him out, or...

Did they, does this happen naturally? That's a good question. I don't know. I bailed, I mean, when he was off the show, I stopped watching. Yeah, I'll probably stop as well. But, boy, it's so good. It's just so good to see a great Netflix series. And it's one of those, like, you can't stop watching. Like, one minute it ends and you're like, I gotta stop, I gotta stop. It's two in the morning, but I inevitably watch another one. He's a beast, no doubt. Beast! You ever see him on Inside the Actor's Studio? No.

yeah it was great he's doing impressions and killed it that's like that's an amazing video so funny so charming he wanted to be bobby darren you can just tell because when he played bobby darren i didn't see the movie but i'm like you're like 15 years too old to be playing bobby darren and he but he's playing bobby darren and he can sing i mean he's like a song and dance guy impressions oh yeah i mean he is incredible i mean he's an incredible they're

I've always said this. I think a lot of people can act. I don't think like they're child actors. It's not as hard as we build up to be. But there are people like him who I'm like, oh, shit, he's awesome. Like he he's on another level. Yeah. There's people like Daniel Day-Lewis, like obviously DiCaprio. There's people that are like Denzel. There's people on like another level. Yeah. But there are a lot of people that I think we do kind of build up back. Yeah. Street. There's people we build up sometimes where I'm like, a lot of people can do this shit.

I think you're dead on. I would say Travolta is underrated for... That guy can sing, he can dance. I mean, Grease, he killed it. Grease? Yeah. Night Fever? Great on a massage table as well. Oh, my God, yeah. But, you know... He ropes you right in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't get me started on Broken Arrow. But, yeah, he was like a triple threat. He was like, when I was growing up, you had to do everything. Think about vaudeville guys. Those guys had to know how to sing, dance, tell jokes, dance.

All kind of juggle and shit. Yeah, they're finding people on TikTok. They're like, hey, we're compelling. Yeah, right, right. The TikTok shit's crazy. I know a lady. She's like, I just dabbled in TikTok, and now she has an agent and everything because one of her videos went viral. I saw this...

this quote that was like no matter who this person is they're probably dealing with an invisible problem that you don't know about i was like unless they're on tiktok then they're probably talking about it non-stop to all their followers so true i think i don't think i think you uh underestimate this generation yeah they're using that problem to connect with people and get likes i know i saw a woman like she's like i'm getting a iud put in and she she filmed it i'm like what are we

doing here this is a little much what doctor is allowing this yeah right what doctor's like cameras on rolling action sound speeding that's a good point cut that's what you say for a circumcision and cut all right

But you got a bit? Yeah, let me see. I got a few. Oh, did I try this one on you? The one about I was on a flight. I say I was on a flight and this person started praying on the flight and I got really annoyed until we hit turbulence and I joined him. But that's like my you up text to God.

praying during turbulence I'm like hey God I know I've been really shitty but I can change it's me then we land and I'm like never mind we're good yeah that's funny because it's almost like when you you know when you jerk off

You're like, I'm good on the date. Yeah. Yeah. It's the same with prayer. Once the turbulence stops. Yeah. Yeah. You're like, I'm all right now. Yeah. You really are. It's like whining and dying a woman. Yes. And then you come and you're just like, I'm going to keep being shitty. Yeah. I mean, I guess the message is we just want people when we need them.

Yeah. We're just we're just deeply selfish. Yeah. Yeah. That's why religious people are kind of noble in a weird way, because like they're doing it all the time. Exactly. Do it when we need it. We make fun of religious people, but they're doing it. They're putting in the work.

Totally. We're the dudes that show up in the leather jacket to God. They're the people that are like, you need anything else, God? Right, right. Seinfeld had that great bit about, he's like, I'm not a religious guy until the toilet starts overflowing at a party. And he's like, please, I'll do anything. Very relatable. Very relatable. All right, all right. What do you got? Is this too divisive?

So I was talking to my lady and she was like, what about believe all women? Do you believe all women? And I was like, well, I don't think so. Because last night you said I was the best you've ever had. And I lasted two minutes and then cried. Yeah. So how can you how can I believe you? Because believe all women tends to only be bad shit, you know, like fucked up shit. What about the good? What about when they're like, you're huge? You're like, I'm not. I'm six inches. I'm saying like you're lying. It's nice. I appreciate it. But it's still a lie. Yeah.

We never talk about the believe all women for the compliments. Yeah. Is that too edgy? I don't know. I think it works. It's like believe all women. Well, believe the good shit. Right. I mean, I'll believe the bad shit if you can also be honest about the good shit. Yeah. Your lack of consistency is making everything a problem. Yeah. Like, that's why you can never say believe all men because it's all a lie. Do I look fat in this? No, no, no. But, you know, you're huge.

But, you know, maybe that's an angle. I think the angle is all of us are lying. Yes. We're all liars. Right. Why would I believe all women? Yeah. Well, people. Why would I believe people? It's not even about men and women. Yeah, it's people lie constantly. How you doing? Fine. Well, that was a lie. You know, everything's a lie.

Yeah, and the people are honest are the ones you don't want to be around. How are you doing? Not well. And let me tell you why. Right. Get away from me. This is the person I have to believe? Right. And that is weird because honesty is like a virtue and it's like a redeeming quality. But anybody who's honest, you're like, oh, this guy's a fucking pill. I think the angle is believe most women.

There you go. But occasionally, you're full of shit. Right, right. And I know from proof from telling me I'm huge. Yeah, I like the idea of bringing it back on you. Yeah, yeah. Where it's like self-deprecating. Right. You told me I was huge. I can't believe this happened to you. Yeah, yeah. You fucked the Mavericks, you know? You can't tell me I'm huge. Ha, ha, ha.

The Mavericks. Is that... Dallas? Yeah. Yeah, no, you nailed it. I say one of the Mavericks, yeah. Fuck one of the Dallas Mavericks. That's a funny term or name, Mavericks. It's got a nice little K sound in there. Yeah, exactly. Any other bits or should we wrap up? You hit me with something. I'm looking here. Let's see what I got. Oh, boy. Let's see what I got. These are just notes from therapy. Let me scroll down. It's kind of the same thing. Is this funny?

My ex would catch me staring at other women and she'd be like, oh, is that what you want? And I'd be like, maybe sometimes. You know, it's like, of course, they're not better than you, but like that's – it's –

It gives you a, there's a moment, right? Right. It doesn't mean they're better. You're a five-star restaurant, but even if you eat at a five-star restaurant every night, you see a McDonald's. You see a Panda Express. That's good. You're going to look. That's good. Yeah. And you fool yourself for a minute where you're like, maybe this fucking, maybe this orange chicken will turn everything around for me. Yeah.

Maybe this will deeply satisfy me. And then, of course, you eat it and you're like, oh, my God, I hate myself. But in the moment, there's something about like a high-end restaurant, too, where it's like it's almost like a top shelf woman where it's like, yes, you're better, but it takes a lot of work. You know, like I have to dress up. I have to make a reservation. Right. You know, a McDonald's woman, you know, I show up in sweatpants. I'm in and out. Yeah. I might even throw it even further and go vegan. Yeah.

You know, like, yeah, I'm a vegan and I know this is wrong, but those nuggets look pretty good. Yeah, it's a good looking nugget, you know? I get that it's wrong and the chicken went through hell or whatever, but like... Golden nugget. Yeah, because I remember seeing Matthew Perry. He was on Friends and he was having like a real rehab moment. Like he kept getting coked up and getting drunk and like missing shoots and shit.

And they caught him in a McDonald's hammered. And they're like, Matthew Perry, you're a zillionaire. You're on the biggest show on TV. Why are you at McDonald's? He goes, sometimes you just got to have a Big Mac. He was like hammered. It's on TMZ or whatever. And I get it. It's so true. Sometimes you just want the bottom barrel shit. You underestimate how much we in America hate ourselves. Yes. McDonald's is number one. It's number one.

Yeah, look at Arnold. The guy, he was banging a Kennedy, and then he's like, what's up with that maid? Yeah. And she was not an attractive maid, but he still had to get that fucking Burger King. I think we underestimate geographical desirability. That too. Yeah. And there's McDonald's everywhere. Everywhere. Arby's, Burger King, KFC. Do I like Starbucks? No, but it's there when you need it. Exactly. And I can afford it. Yeah, it's like a chick at last call. Right.

This is a big bit. This is great. What do you got? And there's a drive-thru. I can do one text and I'm in her box or bun. All right. This might not be a bit. Maybe it's just totally just a random idea that I wrote down. It might be nothing. That feels like a bit. Something there.

I was walking through Irvine, California, which is kind of a nice upscale area. And I walked by like eight spas, these massage places with like the, you know, the Asian music and the muscular guys massaging you and the sauna and all these women like milfs in bathrobes holding small dogs with the eye, with the kiwi or whatever, the cucumber, whatever that is. Kiwi. Sorry, cucumber. Definitely cucumber.

I'm like, wait a minute. Why are these spas all in rich, nice areas? Who needs a spa less than this rich white lady who has like a Bentley? Shouldn't it be roofers and plumbers and welders? Is this anything? It's great. I would say, I would say, I mean, you know why it's there because they're going to pay. But I would say, why is it? I mean, it's a little weird that this is where it is. You know who needs the massage?

Not this woman with this tiny dog that's licking her face. Right. A dude who worked on the house all day. Yeah. And is sore as shit. And he might go his whole life being a roofer and never go to a spa. He probably won't. But who needs a spa more than him? I think the angle is like it's ironic that the people who need a break. Right. You know. Yeah, yeah. This lady's going to get back into her heated seats and go to her mansion. And yet she's like, ugh.

I'm stressed, you know, and this guy's working at a coal mine. She's stressed because her husband isn't answering her texts. This guy fucking has some sort of lung disease. He's got black lung. So, yeah, I need a turn there, I think, but I think I got an idea. Well, I think maybe it's one of those analogy bits where you're like, it's like you have a...

you're helping the wrong people. Yes. It's like, you know who needs an all-you-can-eat buffet? Haiti. You know what I mean? It's like, maybe not Haiti, but like, you know, a country that's hurting. It's kind of like how they say the rich get richer, you know, like, hey, Bono walks into this restaurant

it's on us we love you too but the hobo is like can i get a doggy bag or like get out of here you piece of garbage kill yourself i don't know it was the same for therapy too i mean like who needs therapy more than people can't afford it good point right it's a luxury it is all right all right you gave me hope because uh there's hope this one i was like i can't crack it but it's always a fun idea

We got more to do. Should we plug some gigs? Mark, where are you going to be, man? I'm going to be all over the place. I'm sure this comes out in 2041, but I'll be in Lexington, Kentucky. Me too. Oh, yeah. Houston Improv. I want to hear about that, by the way. Loved it. Great time. Great. Big, big room. Yeah.

Laugh Out Loud in San Antonio. I'm all over Tejas. Comedy Connection in Providence. Love that club. West Palm Beach. And then I'm in Portland, Maine, which I've never been to at the Aura Theater. Amazing city. Oh, really? Best city for your life. I'm excited. I've never been there, and I've been everywhere, and I'm excited. I'll be working with Bird again at the Fully Loaded for one night at the Brandon Amphitheater in Mississippi. Richmond Funny Bone. Red Rocks.

Bakersfield at some brewing place, San Jose Improv, all kinds of Pantages Theater. We're remaking that up. Pittsburgh, Royal Oak, Michigan, Toronto, Portland, Oregon, Seattle, Vancouver, New Orleans, New Haven, Boston, Philadelphia, Nashville. There you go. Take it. I'll be all over. We got, geez, I don't know when this comes out, Buffalo, San Jose, Los Angeles.

Los Angeles, Pittsburgh, Dania Beach, Louisville, Kentucky, Irvine, Omaha, Phoenix, Springfield, Missouri, Lexington, New Brunswick, Oklahoma City, Fort Wayne, Indiana. Too many gigs even count. You guys know it. Kansas City, Spokane, Tacoma, samorell.com, slash shows. I think that helps sell some tickets too. Mark just did. Yeah.

listen to the Patreon, patreon.com slash we might be drunk pod, uh, beer, Jew, anything to promote here? Uh, so right now, uh, just starting up, um, paper plane consulting for all your bar and restaurant needs. Now we're talking, um, top to bottom, uh, consulting, whether it's building a bar from scratch or, uh, building men, designing menus, uh, hiring, training staff, uh,

Right now, starting out in New York City, but I got staff and people and resources in Miami and L.A. as well. Paper plane, good name for drunk pilots. Exactly, paper plane, yeah. That is legit my favorite cocktail. We've got to do another episode. That's exactly what we're going to do. I ordered one in Houston on the road. The bar, it was a cool bar that made them. Oh, yeah? Nice. So, actually, I'm starting up a partnership with a friend in Austin as well. So...

Look out for that. And if anything, you know where to find me. All right. Thanks, gang. Briefcase drunk. We're doing it. We'll see you next time. Comedy.