Ep 85: Bodega Cat Sour
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Here we go, baby. We're back. Sorry for that burp. That was gross. That's normally Norman's game. I'm copying his style. Yeah, are you apologizing too? Come on. Good to be... Dude, my stomach's dying. I'm in pain. I just had...

Some bad oopsie poopsie as they call it. My butthole sounded like a silencer on a gun. I thought it was a miscarriage. I don't know what that was. That was terrible. I was dying in the bathroom. I'm chugging Pepto. I'm trying to get right for this episode. Oh, yeah. Because your boy went hard last night.

Yeah. Would you? A little natural wine, a little martini. What are we talking? If it was just natural wine, I wouldn't be hungover. That's the beauty of that stuff. That's true. You don't really get bad hangover. They did a little bit of everything. Yeah, yeah. Natural is the way to go. That's why I can't drink beer. These IPAs, there's all kinds of hops and barley and sugar. I want to kill myself the next day. Same with White Claw. It's all chemicals. I can have a couple beers, but I can't get beer drunk because I'm just pissing all night.

The alcohol already disrupts your sleep. Now we're talking about waking up every 30 minutes to just, you know, drain the lizard. I can't be doing that. True. What sort of occasion makes you drink that hard? Beer? No, just like last night. I was at the Comedy Cellar. It was a special occasion. I'm only there 340 nights a year. And you had multiple spots. Yeah, yeah. You just stuck there. So you just got to start drinking just to get through the time. Yeah, when you're there, like I was there from literally like 7 to 1 a.m. probably.

Really? Yeah, I just, I did five shows. Yep. Mmm. Oh, beer juice. Thank you. What are we drinking today? What do you got for us today there? Pretty simple, straightforward whiskey sour. Hey, nothing wrong with that. I thought we were doing rusty nails. We can also do that. Ooh, boy.

That is pretty good. It's a good summer drink. It is. I always remember he orders a whiskey sour and something about Mary. Matt Dillon, that's his drink. Whiskey sour. Mongo, kid had a forehead like a drive-in movie theater. I love that movie. That's a classic. He steals, he stands up, his pants are off. Oh, man. Lee Evans. Yes. You two should be kissing my hairy fucking bean bag.

Classic. Yeah, I'm hurting, buddy. I'm glad to be here, though. How you doing, Sally? That'll kill the hangover. I'm strong. You good? I feel strong. You feel strong? Yep. Hell yeah, dude. How about New York right now? It's like 75 degrees sunny. This is like, we get like...

six good days in New York and this is one of them. Yeah, and I almost got disrupted. These fucking scumbags in the street. I'm walking to the subway. Some guy just on a bicycle, he's on the sidewalk, nearly takes me out. And I turn around and go, fuck you. And he goes, I'm sorry. At least gotten I'm sorry. That's rare. Two women turned to me like angry for me and I was like, hell yeah. Solidarity. I wish I had my mace on me. I would have fucking maced his ass. Was he a messenger or a delivery? No, he was just a dude biking.

Jesus Christ. You said on the subway? I was walking into the subway. I was about to go down the stairs. He cuts me right off, almost takes me down. Damn. Almost took me down to Chinatown. But you know what? I almost had my mace on me. He's lucky I didn't. If I was Karen, he would have been fucking burning up right now. Is that a maceable offense? That's a maceable. You almost take me out? Yeah, I'm macing you. Yeah, easy. Probably not, honestly. But he deserved a macing. I just mace him if they get close to me.

I don't know if you've seen what's going on in the city, but pretty much existing is a Maysville offense. There you go. These subways lately, man. How about the Pride Parade? Did you hear about that? The shooting? I was there. The shooting? Yeah. I was on stage during the shooting in Washington Square Park. Where was the shooting? It was in Washington Square Park. They claim it's fireworks, but everyone's like, no, it was a shooting. Oh, I thought it was fireworks. But then Liz was like, it's absolutely fireworks.

What time was it? The manager of the cellar. I don't know, but I was on stage, so I missed it all. Apparently, people were, like Rana in Hirshberg is getting to a spot. Everyone starts running because they hear gunshots. So it's like people running for three blocks. You know, sweaty tits flopping around. Anal beads flopping in the air. Yeah, dildos. Yeah. Slap each other in the face while they're running. You know? I have such low self-esteem. I'd be like, ah, they know I'm going on. That's why they're running the other way. They're worried about my act.

Dude, they're running to get out of there, and I miss all of it. I got off stage, and everyone was shaking. I was like, what happened? What's going on? Yeah. Apparently, my lady almost got trampled in the subway. She said it was wild. Damn. But it's just a bunch of people twerking and covered in rainbow paint and just running for their lives.

Yeah, dude. Parades are tough. I was down there on Christopher Street right around 7 o'clock. It was like 10 to 1 lesbians versus gay dudes. Oh, shit. The way it should be. Yeah.

It's like my porn. 10 to 1, huh? It was a wild scene. A lot of lesbians were out. How do you know they're lesbians, though? They could just be ladies. They're all humping each other like this. There's like two women grinding and then everyone else taking their tops off doing this and pointing. How do you know they were lesbians? Salacuse was jacking off. That's how he knew. They didn't like it. Yeah, they were pissed. Good photos. Thanks.

Wow, you were right in the heart of it, huh? Thank you. I know exactly where that is. That's right on 7th Ave. That's the CVS. I know it. That's a good CVS right there. Oh, yeah. You want some Pedialyte, they'll hook you right up. Yeah, hey, nice boob shot there, Sally. This girl grinding her cock.

A lot of tits out. Oh, yeah. When I was a kid, obviously at Mardi Gras, everybody would show their tits. And I remember being young, and it was pre-internet porn, and my uncle came, and he's from the Sticks of Louisiana. He'd never been to Mardi Gras before. He brought the camera with the neck holder with the lens, and he was just... And I remember his wife was like, stop it! Stop it, goddammit! I can't imagine. He must have just developed those at home in his own dark room. One-hour photo. Yeah, yeah.

One hour photo, by the way. Can we talk about that? The things those people must have seen at a Rite Aid back in the day? Oh, yeah. It was at a whole Seinfeld. That could stand that. Oh, that's right. That's right. The art of seduction. Yeah. We all did a pants. Back in the day, you had to get a dick pic developed. That's true. Yeah. That was...

Remember when you would take someone else's camera and do like a dick shot with it or a butt shot? Yes. And then just let them develop it. Oh, yeah. You wait six months. You're like, that'll pay off. There's a comic that goes a whole bit about it. I forget who it is, but he goes, it's perfect when at a wedding everybody would have the Polaroids. Yes. And you walk around, grab one on a table, boom, boom, and that's it. Nobody would know who you are unless you're the only black guy at the party. Right. Or Asian.

These are good, dude. Not bad, right? Problem is, these go down real easy. What makes it a sour?

The lemon. Oh, just lemon? Well, actually, sours are usually not just like a lemon, most time lemon, some kind of citrus, but also they have a sweeter side and a traditional sour will have egg white in it. Really? So what's the ingredients for a whiskey sour? This is just a very simple one. This is just a rye whiskey. I like a rye sour because it kind of like, it's not as sugary as bourbon, exactly, but they're a cat. And

And fresh lemon juice, simple syrup. And for this one, I also did just a touch of triple sec just to kind of fill it out a little bit. Tastes great. Is that a blackberry in there? Oh, and then there's a maraschino cherry in there as well. This is a Luxardo cherry, which is a little nicer. Nice. Love Luxardo. They're brandy marinated, which is really nice, and they have great depth of flavor. Do these give you cancer, those maraschinos? Are those bad for you?

The really cheap ones are extremely sugary and definitely very heavily processed, but Luxardo is a fantastic brand. Luxardo, or there's another one called Febre, which is in those little Dutch-style jars. They're pretty pricey, but they're really worth it. Febre.

They really do. I mean, you put a nice little, it takes a cocktail from here to here. Yeah. It's very nice. The biggest thing about a sour is that the main thing that changes it from just a regular like, you know, putting three things together in a cup is like you just have to have a really strong hard shake.

And then that completely changes the texture of it, and you'll notice it foam up. If you don't eat eggs, you can use what's called aquafaba, which is just chickpea juice, like just the juice from chickpeas. Damn. And it's flavorless. A vegan alcoholic. Exactly. Yeah. Exactly. And it's flavorless, but it foams up just like egg white. Okay. So you can use that for foam or for a traditional sour. You got that at home, folks? Make your own cocktails with a little chickpea?

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I love chickpeas, man. Underrated, underrated food. There's a lot you could do with them. Make a salad and make a drink at the same time. Yeah. I mean, hummus? Hummus is huge. Huge. Throw chickpeas in a salad. Very good. Very nice. Yeah, a little protein. You talk about peeing a lot. So I was on this tour bus all weekend. Top bunk on a bus. You ever done the bus? I've done the bus. Top bunk. The only problem with a bunk, I can live with a bunk. It was like summer camp. It was fun. But when you got a piss from drinking all night.

It is a bitch. You got to climb down. Then it wakes you up, you know. And then you got to pee, come back, climb back up. The bus is rocking a little bit. Bus is rocking. Hard to get back to bed. You're driving all night. Yeah. It's crazy. Crazy. I was to an Ambien just to get through it. You did Ambien? Yeah. You drinking on Ambien? Well, I would. What are you, a senator? Ha, ha, ha.

No, I didn't fuck any boys. But I would just do, you know, drink all night. And then you got to sleep in this coffin, basically, with eight other guys. I got Joey Diaz sleeping six inches away from me, just going, cocksucker. You know, and I'm like, ah, fuck. And then you kind of want to jerk off, and you're drunk, and now you're hungover and woozy, and the bus is bumping. So I had to take it. By the way, is there anything more foreshadowing than drinking yourself into a coffin?

Holy shit. Yikes. This is not going to end well for any of us. I just felt my body fighting. I'm in the bathroom like, yeah, this is bad. Yeah. This is not good. Right. Well, the worst part is I got in Shane Gillis' coffin on accident. So that was like a real symbolism, like we're going down together. Oh my God. I remember growing up, I was drunk at a, I was dating a girl and I was staying with her family and I was just shit faced and I just walked into her brother's room and got into bed with him because I was so fucking drunk and he was like,

I was like, sorry. He was laughing about the next day, but that night he was like, you fucker. I was like, ah. Oh, wow. It's like, I had no signals. I didn't mean to put this out in the air. Oh, shit. You wanted it too. Wow. Thank God it was not the sister. Oh, my God. She didn't have a sister. Okay, good. I would have hopefully gone for that one first. That's how little she fucked me. I went for the brother. Okay.

Oh, I was once on one of those tour buses, the coffin tour buses with Korn. What? Whoa. Yeah, in their heyday. And I was shooting them for a magazine and they had like all sorts of strippers and then a dwarf. And I was like, this is amazing. You've got strippers. And I said the M word out loud. What? Why? Because it was like right at that time where you're not supposed to say it. Yeah. It was like there was a time where it was okay. It was like 2006. Yeah.

It was 1962. And I was like, you got strippers and this? And it was a record scratch moment. Everyone was like, why are you bringing that here? Damn. Really? The corn is offended? Yeah. Oh, that's crazy. Yeah. That's crazy. Because we all know Brad Williams. He's fine with that word. He is? Oh, yeah. What does he say about it?

He's good. He keeps it short. All right. Sorry. Mulaney's got the great bit about him. They say the word midget is just as bad as the N word. He goes, I know it's not because you said the other word. That's a great bit. Yeah. Oh, I love the line where he goes, if you say that word, you're going to have 500 little people out there protesting. He goes, promise? I love that. That's great. He's good.

I just did MSG. Three times. Three times. It was funny. I was in, you know, I'm like the lowest level. We have the same age, and I'm like the low level of that guy. And he was in Chicago with me when I was filming the special, and we're watching the Rangers game because it's the playoffs. And he's like, he's a New York agent, and he's rooting for the Rangers to lose because if the Rangers win and make it to the next round, he has to move a Mulaney MSG date. Wow.

So this is a New York guy like, oh, I hope Tampa takes him down. I'm like, fuck you. That's fucking showbiz. That's like having a million dollars on one game. Yes, yes. That's a gamble. Literally. Yeah. No, seriously. Yeah. But yeah, I saw the pictures. I mean, that's a dream, man. Yeah. Crazy. I saw Velez opened one of them. And Seaton. And Seaton. I saw Seaton last night. How's he doing? Good, man. He looks great. He's a sexy man. Would you? Yeah. Yeah, dude. Ah!

I think so. I'd have to have a couple of sours. That was the weakest burp I just did. You're all right. That was like the premature ejaculation of burps. Sorry. Remember pre-cum? That was terrifying. Oh, my God. Pre-cum babies? Yeah, you always say, hey, don't, you know, even if you pull out, there's still pre-cum. And I was like, oh, I didn't think about pre-cum. Oh, my God, it's brutal. Pre-cum babies. You think they're always early for stuff? Yeah. Yeah.

They make a horrible entrance. Nobody notices them. Yeah, pre-cups scary. Oh, jeez. He's got some on his throat. But... I'm all right. You ever given someone CPR? Never. My mom, I got a chip, like a Dorito in my throat. My mom gave me CPR. Whoa. Were you turned on?

It was very real because you're like, this is it. You're getting the stomach pushed and you're like, oh, wow, this is like the movies and the chip went flying. Damn, you almost got taken out by Cool Ranch. I know, I know, right? That's a tough chip. I'll tell you, of all the chips...

Doritos will fucking, it'll get lodged in there. Oh, yeah. That shape. That shape is rough. It's a violent shape. It's kind of like Captain Crunch where it gets the roof of your mouth. Right. Ratched up, right? What are we doing here? Yeah, it's like the S&M of cereals. I'm like, I don't like it this rough. It's a hazard, yeah. I don't like it like this. The worst is when the real tip of the Dorito gets stuck in the back, like in the gum. The gum, yeah. And you can't get it out. Like the popcorn.

Right, right. I hate the Colonel. I hate the Colonel. Colonel Sanders. Where do we rank Doritos as chips? Are they up or down? I'm way up on mine. Yeah, you love them. I love Doritos. Ranch or cheese. And sometimes I got those spicy. Cheese is good. What are those? There's a new one. Purple ones? Yeah, those are great. Those are good. There they are. What flavor is that? It's barbecue. No, that's not it. I've never had barbecue Doritos. I've never heard of it. Are they better than Pringles to you?

Yeah. I love a Pringle. I like a Pringle. I like a Pringle. I don't care for the tube. A little pretentious with the tube. It's fun. Get in a bag like everyone else. The bag pisses me off because the bag is always half full. That's true. You're always expecting more. I'll give you that. It's like seeing a huge bulge in a guy's pants and then you whip it out. I'm doing this for women, by the way. And then he whips his dick out and it's half that big. You'd be pretty pissed off. No Pringles can't happen. I could have done that exact joke, but with tits. And for some reason, I chose cock. No.

You know your audience. There's a reason why there's air in there for shipping. Otherwise, all of the Pringles, or not Pringles, Doritos get smashed up. Okay. You're a chip apologist. He's got a chip on his shoulder. But yeah, Pringle, I mean, look, the can is fun, the tube is fun, but come on. How about Utz?

That's not bad. They're not bad. That's a solid. They get the job done. What are the good? How about Lay's? Where do we rank all these chips? Lay's stink. Salt and vinegar is not bad. That's true. Cape Cod is where it's at. It's good, but again, I hate the plain. I need a flavor with my chip. Yeah, they have a salt and vinegar Cape Cod. Oh, they do. You never had the. I only had the basic. Ooh, waffles are good, dude. Can't have one. Great for dipping.

Yeah. French onion dip is underrated. Get a little cheddar sour cream. That's an underrated flavor for chips. Yes. That's a good combo, dude. You know what's a good chip flavor is dill. I love dill. Dill kills it. Especially the kettle corn. Best beer chip ever. Dill? Dill. Or pickle. Dill pickle. Like dill pickle. Yeah. You ever get that pepperoncini flavor? No. That's a good fucking chip. What's that? That's a great one. It's the kettle cooked.

ones, right? Oh, I think I know that bag. I can see the bag in my head. It's like a really tough, scrunchy bag. Kind of like the Sun Chips, but not as crinkly. Sun Chips are kind of fun. They're really good. I don't like Sun Chips. I mean, they're not in the same category as the other ones we're mentioning. They feel healthier. Right, right. Pick a side and stick with it. Garden... Garden Salsa? Yeah, yeah. What is this? What are you, my friend's hippie mom? Exactly, exactly. By the way, about the tube, do you remember that Mitch Hedberg joke? Yes. It's like, I think...

Pringles were originally supposed to be a tennis ball company, but they got the shipment wrong and brought in a truckload of potatoes. And the owner was like, fuck it, slice them up. Yeah. So good. Cut them up. Hedberg is just one of the best ever. What other chips are there? There's got to be other chips. Yeah, what are we missing? Smart food? Eh.

No, the dirty chips. What are they called? I think it's like dirty or something. Dirty. They always come with those higher end bodegas. They're mad good. Kettle is good. Zaps was big when I was a kid, but that's a cultural thing. Voodoo, is that your- Yes, voodoo. We had a couple of those. That's New Orleans shit. Yeah, that's a very New Orleans regional. I like a spicy shit. I like a jalapeno kettle shit. What about Takis? You like Takis? I do. What the hell's a Taki? So Takis are like those little tubes. Yeah, they're pretty good. If you like the spicy Doritos, you'd love Takis. Never heard of Takis. They're super spicy.

I fuck with Takis, dude. Those came out after silent films. I don't know. I don't know Takis. Wise sucks. Can we agree? Wise is bad? Oh, I've seen Takis. Yeah, no, they're pretty good. Wise is just like the- They're not my go-to. If you're in a bodega, your eyes aren't going for Takis. If you're in a bodega, you're going- My go-to's, look, I like a barbecue- They used to be our stoner snack, like-

I like barbecue. You can't like eat a lot of them. You have to pace yourself because they're so good. You don't like barbecue? No, no. I just don't like the wise. Wise sucks. They're terrible. That's bottom of the barrel. Wise is like, it's like, it's 2 a.m. It's the only option. You're like, all right, I'll fucking do it. But I like, I like,

rankings sour cream barbecue salt and vinegar uh like where are the rankings that's pretty good that was a pretty good those are tough the top of the dome there that was solid salt and vinegar like the first time you tried as a kid oh it's like the first time a woman sticks a finger in your ass you're like i didn't know that this shit could be yes yes now see those zaps right there sally that was you got that with a po boy when i was a kid and you you uh you were in heaven

That was the most New Orleans sentence of all time. You're right, though. Those are good chips. Zaps are good. Yeah, wasn't it a beat of beer? Woo, baby. Hal's? You ever do Hal's? Hal's? I like Hal's. That dude fucks, dude. I don't know Hal's. Hal's? Isn't that just a soda? No, it's not just a soda. That's a great question, Beer Jew. Hal's is not just a soda. He makes a great seltzer, though. He makes a vanilla cream seltzer that's

out of this fucking world. Who got the rape snacks? Oh, I see. Wait a minute. Where are you from? Me.

That's what I'm pointing at. I'm here for now. Where are you from? I'm from Russia, originally. Oh, where'd you grow up? I grew up in Bay Ridge and then Staten Island. Oh, okay, so you're a New Yorker. All right, you're Brooklyn, you're Manhattan, you're Rochester. A lot of New York in this room. Portland. All right, what's on that side of the country? Portland, Maine, Oregon.

You guys have anything? Lays is regular shit. Oh, yeah. Lays is always disappointing. You're wiping your hands off like you just used too much lube. It kind of sucks. I don't know. Lays is meh. What's interesting about Lays is that because it's such an international company, now it's starting to become here as well because laws are being relaxed, but in a lot of other...

especially European countries, they have different flavors of Lay's that the FDA won't approve here. Like bacon, for example. Bacon Lay's are incredible. We can't have that? Apparently, there's some flavor agents that just aren't allowed, or at least used to not be allowed. So like bacon, like lobster. In Canada, they have lobster Lay's. They also have ketchup. Ketchup is pretty good. Ketchup is a big one now. Is it? It's pretty tasty. Yeah, it's not bad. They have the chocolate Lay's. What?

They're covered in chocolate. I've never heard about that. Oh, dude, it's too much. Too much. Autorodic asphyxiation, Lays. Yeah, exactly. Too many pleasures at once. It's like a double down. Dude, I was just in this store in, holy shit, KFC, Lays. Dude, I was just in Cleveland, and they have a store that has all these crazy soda flavors. They have ranch soda. They have bacon soda. They have one flavor that's like puke soda. And I'm like, you just buy this to fuck it. It's like a party gag, I guess. Yeah, yeah. But they have some flavors. You're like, that looks kind of good.

You know, like bacon maple soda could be kind of good. Could be kind of good, yeah. There's all these companies now that started doing like international snacks that you could just order. So you can get like Korean Kit Kats and stuff. Oh, that's a great idea. Korean Kit Kats? Yeah, so you can get like all this stuff sourced. It's Kit and real cat. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

I mean, I do kind of like... I mean, that's the fun thing is like when you're in a bodega or something and they have like the foreign candies for some reason. You see like a flake bar or something. You're like, all right. Yeah, that's true. You got a little British candy up in here. Yeah, they got shrimp chips, some kind of Asian thing. It's kind of fun, right? It's fun. It's like when you're drunk at a bar and you're like, I'd fuck all this.

I remember I was in a late night Chinatown grocer type place with Ari, Jeff Ross, and Dave Attell. And Dave doesn't drink anymore, so he's just eating all these weird Asian candies. And he's like, this one really gives you a head rush. It's funny to watch sober people enjoy candy. Right. What is this, Christmas night? You guys needed something to do? All these Jews together. Wow. Wow.

Clark Bar. Do you still have candy ever on the road or no? I do when it's because they put it in like a bowl, you know, they'll put like a Snickers or something in a bowl with candy to be like, hey, welcome to the club. And I partake. If you're in a bodega, all of you, and you see a candy bar or like, is there a candy that your eye wanders to first? I think Snickers is the best candy.

Really? I really do. I just got the nougat, the peanut, the chocolate. Over Twix? Caramel. Oh, yeah. Twix is fucking good. Twix is good, but it's too hard. I'm going to go Twix for me. I go Twix over Snickers, personally. Whoa! You know what? I will go a little far. I'll go Mars Bar as well. I love a good Mars Bar. Ah, you crazy Mars Bar. But also, I like white chocolate, so white chocolate Snickers is awesome. Dude, you ever have the Hershey's cookies and cream?

Yes, that was fantastic. That shit's guaranteed to get the dick hard and the pussy wet, dude. That's a good ad for it. Good commercial. These kids are like, wait, what? Oh, you like those, Salaguse? Peanut Chew? What era are you from? Salaguse is hitting a hula hoop down the street with a stick. Goes down nice with a glass of prune juice. I know, right? I know, right?

Twix is up there for me. I'll tell you what's an underrated one. Fucking any, like peanut M&M's, any weird flavor M&M's, I'm fucking. M&M's killed it. Peanut butter pretzel. Pretzel's so good. So good. Anything pretzel is solid. Do you guys remember that Take 5? You never had flips? Take 5's good. Take 5 is amazing. That's peanut butter. Dude, you never had flips? What the fuck's a flips? Flips with a Z. It's the mad good.

I don't know flips. Have you never had these? They're awesome. Oh, flips. Yeah. That is good. Those are fucking awesome. Do you go... I go white chocolate over milk chocolate. The milk chocolate's fucking... That's a $20 item right there. Is it? $18.79. What? A box of six. Oh, okay. I was about to say. I was like, what the fuck? This is like going the way of Cracklin' Oprah where we have to get this in the black market now. Gas is cheaper than flips. Dude, is it just me? I know gas has gone up. Obviously, there's inflation. Yeah.

Has Wi-Fi gotten shittier? Oh, interesting. It feels like it. Are we going to invade Saudi Arabia? They've got better Wi-Fi. It'd be nice. I think it's Estonia. Estonia has the best Wi-Fi. We've got to go there. Wait a minute. I'm with you. Do you have AT&T? They're fucking NATO, dude. We can't invade Estonia.

AT&T? What are you using? I'm AT&T. Me too. It stinks. And everywhere I go, I'm going, is your shit slow? And they go, no, I'm good. I had no service in my hotel recently. Same. What is this? Fucking, what am I, in Guantanamo Bay here? Oh. I know. I'm with you. The service has been bad.

And then you switch to no Wi-Fi and it's still bad. I thought 5G was the answer. Same. I have 5G plus, whatever that is. Yeah. It's all over for me, folks. It's still bad. It's not good when you have to get rid of the Wi-Fi. What country can we invade to get better Wi-Fi? Yes. Speaking of Uganda...

discovered 31 million tons of gold ore. You've got to be kidding me. That's a Chelsea Handler special. That didn't age well. Wait, what the hell is gold ore? It's gold. Oh, okay. That's like trillions of dollars of gold. Wow, great. Good, man. Well, they'll be fine.

I mean, that's going to help them out. Well, it sounds like they could use some freedom now. Cash for gold. That's Book of Mormon. They go to Uganda. Oh, really? That's the whole thing. They have to spread it because everyone's excited to go to, like, I get to go to France. And then they call it that. I get to go to, you know, Japan. And then they called them up Uganda. And they're like, what? What?

What is their thing? What's Uganda's thing? Do they have a thing besides gold ore? Warlords. Oh, okay. Oh, there's warlords there, brother. Oh, really? I want to do a joke. Is there something here for a joke about Mormons, how legally you can only marry for polyamorous relationship, you can only marry warlords?

one legally and the others are just like spiritual wives but like how do there's got to be some drama there of course we're just like i love you all equally only cynthia has health insurance but i love you all you know what i mean like there's something there right yeah yeah spiritually i never do that i thought like that utah allowed them to just have utah and arizona you're only allowed to marry one i don't know the right for some reason i've read that tidbit i thought they were all married

I don't think they're all like legally married. That would be a fucking wedding, dude. Too many people. Ah, good point. Everyone's inviting someone. Although it's hard to get it. Like, do I have to get you a gift when you're like one of five? Right, right. And it's, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do. It's a lot. Yeah. I mean, that's a lot. That sounds horrible, having five wives. Ugh. Not having one. Yeah. Exactly. I mean, shit. You're the only one here. I mean, you're about to know. Ah, yeah.

I have a couple spiritual ladies on the side. Spiritual, which is so funny. We're not going to fuck. We're just going to pray. But get on your knees. What? Any peeves? Shit. I used mine on Rosebud. I have one on my phone. Hold on. Hold on. Let me check. Hold on. I got a...

I do have a rec. Let me just say this. Have you guys seen Hereditary? Is it good? Holy shit. We watched it on the tour bus. Horror movie. It's by the same guy who did Midsommar. It's an A24. Yeah. Holy. Is Ethan Hawke? Huh? Is Ethan Hawke? No, no, no, no. It's Gabriel Byrne and Toni Collette. Oh, shit. Who kills it. Yeah, she kills it. She's so good. She's like one of the greats. One of the greats. I saw Gabriel Byrne in the street once. He's puny.

Oh, a really short guy? Tiny. Yeah. It's basically kind of a witch thing going on, which I don't love supernatural shit, but it's so well done. It's so well shot. It's all these dioramas. They'll have dioramas with little figurines they pull out, and that's the set. It's incredible. See how that, see the diorama? Whoa.

It's supposed to be great, this movie. You've got to see it. I don't want to give anything away. And for you to wreck this, Mark, I know you're not a big horror movie guy, so it's like a strong wreck. It's like Shining level scary. I love Toni Collette. She never disappoints. And I'll tell you, man, Gabriel Byrne, I heard that show In Treatment's great on HBO. I heard that too, actually. I never watch it. Rachel Feinstein loves that show. I should watch it. She was great in United States of Terror as well.

Oh, yeah. Incredible, dude. Sixth Sense. She kills it. Right? Fucking Little Miss Sunshine. Little Miss Sunshine was just such a...

Kind of attractive in a fun way. Oh, she's fucking hot, dude. Something sexy going on there. She's on that show Rake. Great show on Netflix. Oh, is she on Rake? Australian law show. It's awesome. All right. It's about like a bad boy, like party animal poonhound lawyer in Australia. Mm-hmm. That guy fucks, dude. Ha. Rake fucks. Rake. Look it up. We'll pull it up. It's like a parent show, but it's like a parent show the way Bosh is, where it's really good. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

All right. And also we watched Apocalypto, which I don't know if you've seen that. That was fucking awesome. It's good. I just don't like Mel Gibson. It was right before he got in trouble. And so no one reviewed the movie. You go weaving on this show. This cast is sick.

Is this British or Australian? Oh, Sam Neill. Oh, you found traces of your DNA on his body. Get me clean and get me out of this. Don't give a rat's arse about the law. You get low-life crooks off all the time. It's justice. I don't dip a toss in it.

Why are they wearing wigs? Because that's how they do law in Australia. Still? Oh, so this is Australian suits? Yeah. No, it's better than suits, dude. I actually like suits. No, suits is good, but this is fucking really good. They still do the wigs? I don't know. I prefer a leaf blower.

But either way. It's really good. It's a really good show. Highly wrecked. Highly wrecked rake. Okay. Sam, just specifically for you, have you watched Lilyhammer yet? No. Is it good? Dude, you're a big Sopranos fan, right? Huge. Okay. Silvio from the Sopranos, like just not even changing character at all.

goes into witness protection and specifically requests to go to some tiny Norwegian ice town and basically just takes it over as a New York gangster. Yeah. It's,

Hilarious and it's it and it's essentially a sequel to Soprano. Fish out of water. Is he playing Silvio? Pretty much. Yeah, he doesn't he plays the same character like It's not his name, but it seems like Mike or something. It's amazing how much a good song helps the trailer Yeah, there he is

He seems just like a cool dude. Can we get him on here? Can we hit up Stevie Van Zandt? Yeah, he's a part of the E Street Band too, right? Yeah, of course. But he's a book out. Maybe he'd want to come on here and promote that shit. Oh, what a career. No, Lilyhammer is incredible. And this is from like 2017. They have like three seasons or something like that. It's hilarious. And it just, imagine if Silvio broke out on his own after everything dropped from The Sopranos. I want a Pauly Walnut show, dude.

I'm in. Sold. You sold me. Billy Hammer's amazing. Paulie Wallace goes to Sweden. That's a show. You guys are fucking pale. Oh. I mean, dude, you got to give me a fucking Chris Moltisanti show where somehow he survives and you just give him a show. Yeah. That'd be cool. He went to, you know how he tried to sell a movie? He went to Hollywood. That'd be a great. That's Barry though, dude. Oh, that's Barry. Yeah. Good point. That's just a show. By the way, that show, dude.

You've watched Barry? Yeah. That show is fucking phenomenal. People are raving. I watched a couple eps. It was good. I got to keep going. It's one of the best shows on TV. Like, by a lot. I think it's entering rare territory now. Really? It's like, you know, when you have a couple good seasons, everyone's like, yeah. And then by the time you have like a killer third season, it's like, oh, shit.

Shout out to Emily Heller. I think she's a head writer. Supervising producer, I think. Yeah, she's killing it. I remember I was with her when she started writing for it and she was explaining the show to me and she's like, it's about a hit man. She's breaking it down to me. We were doing a festival in Ireland and she was like, it's about a hit man who takes an acting class. And I was like, this sounds great. It sounds awesome. And she's like, yeah, it's like the violence. They want it to feel real. I was like, I'm in.

and it's fucking Henry Winkler. I mean, obviously, it's a Bill Hader show, but every supporting... Steven Root, that's a good dude. Everything he's in, he's great. Great, love Root. He's in that new Coen Brothers flick, the vignettes on Netflix. Oh, we got a new Coen out? It was a few years ago. It was with... Battle of the Buster Scruggs. Scruggs, yeah. Really good. Loved it, loved it. Coen Brothers are fucking...

Man, we talk so much movies on this pod. We just get drunk and talk about movies. Yeah, which is sad because I feel like the youth aren't big movie heads. They are. Dude, you're underrating it, man. They know. All right. All right. Look on TikTok. There's so many movie people. There's so many people being like, these movies are great for this reason. People are passionate about movies. So the problem is they don't make comedy movies anymore. They really don't. They don't. I mean, they don't make money.

It's a bummer. Oh, they don't make money. Well, they make stand-up specials and shit. They used to make money in DVD sales, which don't exist anymore. Ah. They sort of stopped making them. Office space. But like all of us, we're all at the age where we grew up on comedy movies because the 90s were just loaded, dude. And even like the early 2000s, you know, but they were loaded with...

comedy movies and then like now it's like maybe they'll make like a kevin hart or tiffany haddish comedy but like other than that it's like okay i got an idea yeah the way with comedy specials we made youtube what if we wrote a comedy movie and we shot it ourselves and we sell it we could do it we could do it i mean list just made a fucking movie it's not really like a goofy comedy but let's do it that could be something let's make a let's make a coming of age sex comedy but for people our age

Yes. I can't get it up. We must get laid. Aren't you guys like 38? We're like, hmm. You know what we should do? You know what we should do is...

What are the last great comedies? The Hangover is a great comedy. Tropic Thunder. Tropic Thunder is great. We're getting our comedy through shows like Barry now. These are our comedies now. But Barry is so dark. It's more than a comedy. Barry is a great drama. That's the genius of that show. It's funny, but it's not a comedy. It's a really dark comedy.

It's like a Coen Brothers TV show. There's good laughs at how ironic shit is or how awful things are. It's a funny drama. Yeah. But I'm talking dirty work. I'm talking silly goofball shit. Yeah.

Like something about Mary. Something we're qualified for. Yes. Yeah. Yes, exactly. Just being silly as shit. Dumb and dumber. There's no dumb and dumber now. Yeah. And that made money. I feel like that made. Yeah, but the 90s were different, dude. Better time. Better times. We just sound like old farts. I know. Every comment's like old white men. I know. I think we could like, you know, let's just fucking self-produce a comedy.

It'd be nice. I mean, we have writers, we have videographers. What else? We have a bartender. I got plenty of actors. We're just shit-faced. We're just shit-faced. They're drunk. It's horrible. This is not a good movie. You've got to be drunk to watch it. We made it drunk. You've got to be drunk to watch it. But it seems like if we made one, it would be so throwback-y and crazy and unprecedented that people would have to see it. You know what's a great comedy? There was the last movie James Franco did.

The interview? No, he plays like a shitty filmmaker. Oh, I know what you're talking about. Oh, you mean The Room? But it's a parody on The Room. What's it called again? Kind of a making of The Room. That's a great movie. The Disaster Artist. That's a great comedy. Good comedy. You know what's good about that movie is like...

They're kind of making fun of a guy, but they do it in like not a mean way. Yeah. So you kind of feel like he makes ridiculous personal. But we all relate to that, like not giving up on your dream. And like he does it in a way that's not shitty. He does it in a way where you're like, this is like an actual person. Right. He doesn't make it cartoony. He makes it. Yeah, I guess we do. Yeah. And if you've seen the room, it's pretty accurate. It'll be fine. We'll show.

No, he's fucking awesome in this movie. And like the fact that he has all these weird accents that make no sense. Yeah. This is a great movie. I liked it. He's New Orleans, right? Huh? He's a New Orleans guy, right? Who, Franco? No, this character. Is he? Nobody actually knows where he's from. He's got an accent. He doesn't have like a clear origin story. That's a great idea.

He's like, he might be Hungarian or whatever. I get that about two times a week. I get somebody going, oh, hi, Mark, in my inbox. Just fuck it with me. And now I'm going to get 900 more because I just brought it up. But I get that all the time. Oh, hi. That's part of the script. He goes, oh, hi, Mark. And he can't get it right. So they have to keep saying it.

And I get that meme or that gif 9,000 times in my inbox. - Action! I did not hit her. I did not.

- Oh hi Mark. - There it is. - It doesn't work if you're looking at the camera. - Just that I get a million times. At least three times a week. - She betrayed him. And then this guy Johnny. He go crazy. Nobody respect my vision. You are a villain. I do this whole movie for you. - All right, we're gonna watch this whole trailer. But yeah, yeah. It's a hell of a flick. But you know, we need to make a comedy.

We should get a bunch. We know 30,000 comedians in New York. We should get six of them together. We'll write it out. We'll make it funny. I'm talking raunchy, offensive, silly, goofy. It could be huge. Yeah. I mean, look at comedy specials. Everybody's like, ah, you put it on YouTube. That's not going to work. Good luck with that. You're a loser. No, it worked out, though. It worked out. Hey, YouTube is worth it. Don't self-fund me.

- I feel guilty, I mean, here's the thing, we all make a, we're making a good living here, I feel guilty going to people, 'cause I think we're doing all right. - Yeah, I'd put money into it. - No, no, no, maybe, yeah, I don't think going to them is okay. I think, but yeah, but I do hear you that movies charge a cover, I hear that, but.

Well, you know the guy in New York, Nico? I just did a thing with him, like a pizza show where we ate pizza together. Oh, yeah, yeah. So he just premiered his movie at the Tribeca Film Festival out of order where he's searching for a bathroom. He makes cool shit. And it's pretty funny. He had this hilarious guerrilla marketing thing where the old Jewish men for public toilets would be hounding him through the streets thinking that he's making fun of them through the film.

I actually haven't seen the movie yet myself, but he's a cool guy. Do you guys want to do something that's kind of live in New York City or like a set piece kind of situation? I think a movie movie. We have different settings and all that. We'll figure it out. Maybe we can make a comedy version of Mark's Bachelor Party. Oh, well, there's already Bachelor Party. And there's already The Hangover. We could do our own spin. We'd make it different. Okay. Dude, The Hangover is such a good fucking movie.

Great movie. Galifianakis is so good. Yeah. Oh, yeah. They found his thing and they just nailed it. He's so talented, Galifianakis. Todd Phillips is a fucking Jew. And him too.

Those two together. You ever seen that video of Galifianakis playing the piano at Hamburger Harry's in Midtown? And he's like, why am I not famous? I'm killing. I'm so funny. It's a great moment as a comedian because you're like, yes, we've all been there where you're like, what the hell? When's everybody going to catch on to this? Yeah, I love the scene in Hangover when they win all the money at the casino and they're playing like

and the Thief of the Night, you know, badass music. And Galifianakis just turns out to be like a card counting genius. And then it's just like the next scene, Bradley Cooper's like, we got to do this again. We got to do this again sometime. And Galifianakis is like, I'm free next weekend. He's got nothing going on. So good. He's got the black eye from when Mike Tyson knocked him out. That's a great movie. Great movie. Very over the top.

raunchy... Perfect cast. You get the cool guy, you get the nerdy guy, and you get the weirdo. Yes. You got everything covered. That's it. And you have the straight man who's the bachelor. Yeah. Oh, yeah, but he was off on a roof somewhere. We missed him. Oh, sorry. If you...

If you didn't stick it after the first 10 minutes. Is anyone like, if anyone like pissed off by that spoiler? Ken Jeong killed it too. When he jumped out of the truck fully naked with that tiny dick, I lost it. Ken Jeong is awesome. He's fun. Real doctor, by the way. Went to med school. Dude, he's, he's great on fuck. It might not be his real penis. I don't think so. I think, I think that's like a NC 17 thing, dude. Ah,

I think they're allowed to use a real dick. We talked about this on another pod. Really? With Simon Rex. You told us about it. Oh. By the way, if you haven't listened to the Simon Rex episode of this podcast-

One of our best. One of the best. Hall of Famer. We love you, Simon. And you have an open invitation. T-Rex. And Simon, if you're listening, which you might be, he does listen to this, put in a word with Charlie Sheen. Yes. Because we are all hungry for the Charlie Sheen we might be drunk at. Love to get Tiger Ball on here. Everybody listening to this right now, every time Charlie Sheen posts an Instagram post,

I want all of you to write, go on We Might Be Drunk and tag We Might Be Drunk so he knows what it is. Every time Charlie Sheen posts something on Instagram, go on We Might Be Drunk pod because Charlie Sheen would be a fucking G on this show. Oh my God. He would be him lines on the table. He would fucking like us. He would love us. It'd be fun. We'd get some drinks going. He'd have some whores in here.

Pull up the scene in Hot Shots 2 when he does the fight. You know when he fights the guy? I saw this in the theater. Hot Shots 2. Hot Dukes. Is it? I don't know when he fights the... He's in like Vietnam or some shit. I don't remember this one. Bloodsport. He's shredded. Oh, yeah. He's the best.

These movies, this is a spoof. These parodies, they don't make these anymore either, by the way. They're great. They're great. This is what Naked Gun is. Why don't they make these anymore? Naked Gun. Scary Movie was the last one. Scary Movie's good. But I remember showing Naked Gun to a young girl and she was like, I don't get it. Airplane was one of my favorites. Airplane, Kureem's Mojabara. My favorite Hangover movie ever. That might be the first one they did, ever. This is fucking awesome.

This must have been so fun to make. It's so stupid. I mean, come on. Silly. Is this what you mean? Yes. We can write this. But I mean, this is sort of like that Abrams Brothers, like goofy. Yeah, yeah. You're thinking more like Dumb and Dumber. Well, both. You can mix this shit. Anything, yeah. Dumb and Dumber had scenes like this.

Oh, dude, when he daydreams in Dumb and Dumber? Yeah. It's slapstick as fuck. That's true. Mark and I are going to make a slapstick gross-out comedy. Oh, what's the topic? Come on. I mean, you've got so many jokes. We've watched this for 38 seconds. We've seen some killer stuff already.

Dude, Lloyd Bridges. He's a beast. Lloyd Bridges fucking, that's Jeff Bridges' dad. I know, I know. He's amazing. Another movie I wrecked on this, the fabulous Baker Boys I wrecked on this podcast. Jeff Bridges and Bo Bridges. Great movie. Oh, wow. Fucking 80s. Full things on YouTube if you haven't seen it. That's a great fucking movie. Yeah, I gotta watch that. Lounge Act. You fall in love with the road person. Fuck, I love that movie. The spoof. Hot Michelle Pfeiffer. Oh.

Oh, yeah. She's awesome. So hot. I rewatched Scarface recently. Really? Just on a plane. I was like, I'll put on this. It's a perfect plane movie. Perfect plane movie because it's action. She's hot. Tony Montana's ridiculous. It's great. How much blow do you think Stephen Bauer's done in his life? Oh, I met him once. Really? I did a movie. I PA'd on a movie called From Mexico with Love. You told me this shit. He was in it. He was like the get. He was the big star. He's a good actor. Great actor, but...

Bit of a mess. Really? Good time. But he still looks great. Dude, Robert Loggia? Oh, there he is. That guy fucks. V. Slamana? This would be ripe for parody. Like the way Airplane made a movie from the 50s. You take this movie and make a parody. You could make an Airplane-style movie out of this. A guy rising the ranks, you mean? Let's think about this. Because what movies are made a lot these days? What's a popular genre?

I think like the sad thing, like what's that one? I think we got to spoof the scam artist thing. What's the scam artist? Everyone's a scam. Everyone's a scammer now. Every documentary is a scammer. We do like a documentary, a fake documentary, a scam artist. Timber Swindler.

Or if true crime is big. Make like a mind map of like, okay, like scam artists, catfishing, NFTs, and then just plug that all together. Have you guys ever seen High Maintenance, that show High Maintenance? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good show. Amazing show, like New York based. But the way that he meets the strange characters along the way as he delivers weed is such a good way to do that.

I know. It makes it more realistic. But wait, we got to go. What's a trope? Not a trope, but a thing to give. What's that movie with Francis McDormand where I'm thinking of? It's super sad. It's super slow. Three Billboards? No, no. After that, it won some awards. Oh, where she's like that. Nomadland. Shit like that, where it's just bummery, dark.

Mark becomes trans in the movie. Yes, yes. We're like, we support you. But his parents are like, fuck you. Yeah. Fuck you, dude. Exactly. I think we got something there. Dude, the movie is just, this is our pitch. We're in an internet meeting with HBO. Mark is trans. And they're like, we don't understand. We're like, stay with us. Ari Shaffir drugs him. They're like, we're still not on board. Yeah.

We support trans, just for the record. But I think we got something here with the movie because, A, it's so radioactive that you kind of go against it. And you don't insult it. You don't downplay it. No. You parody it. It's fun. Hey, here's the movie. It's a relief. Here's the movie. Scarface, but with me and Mark.

We just remade the movie Scarface. Which one are you? I'm Bauer. He can be Pacino. He fucking, he murders me when he finds out I'm banging his sister. Sam! The whole movie's about Seal. I'm Manolo. Yeah, the soundtrack is by Third Eye Blind. And they're like, wow, this is the worst movie I've ever seen. Stay with it. It works out perfect. We're pitching bad movies.

Yeah. Dude, Salacus is Robert Loggia? There you go. You fuck my wife? You want to pause it, Frank? All right, let's remake Showgirls, but show boys. There we go. We get Chalamet and Shia LaBeouf.

And we fucked them. Yeah. That's the movie. A spoof. We get a meeting with them somehow. We're like, all right, so the movie is this. You guys are dancers and we fuck you. And they're just like, you've got the goods. What about, is this too much? Yeah. Slave movie. Stop. No, I'm listening. Hold on. But. Hear him out.

It's Jewish slaves. Okay. The pyramids. With the pyramids. Uh-huh. But it's a spoof. Uh-huh. And... Modern day times. Yeah. And it's weak Jews. It's not like the bulky ones. It's guys like me who are just like, this is bullshit. Yes. Hey, Pharaoh, a little help? It's drafty. Come on. It's so hot. It's definitely the history of the world. My allergies are killing me. Pharaoh? Okay.

Okay. All right. Rent, but with COVID instead of AIDS. 1,000, 2,100 feet away from me. All right. We got something here. I think a spoof is in order. Because everything is very serious now.

- What's that? - Rent is good. - Yeah, I saw it. - That guy was phenomenal. - I saw it on Broadway. - Died at 35. - Really? - He died at 35, he had some sort of fucked up, I think he had Marfan's. - Marfan's? - Syndrome, yeah. - That's what I call my fans. - It's when your skeleton is not in proportion to your body, it's fucked up. And his heart, he had some sort of heart episode over the stove and just collapsed the night before the preview of Rent.

No. So he never saw it succeed. Come on. And his other shit's great. They made a movie about him on Netflix called Tick, Tick, Boom. Andrew Garfield plays him. He kills it. He's amazing in it. I saw that. It was good. No, he's amazing. He's a great actor. Oh, dude, he's great. Hey, Andrew Garfield, if you're listening, get your fucking ass on We Might Be Drunk. Have a cocktail with us. We'll talk all about Tick, Tick, Boom, your other projects. My.

My ex, that was her number one. Yeah. It's called a flick flick boom. Okay. You guys are all right. Good teacher really seems to care about what I have no idea. Did you guys pry on your exes or your wife, like her hall pass? I don't usually. No, do you? Who's yours? Well, mine. Well, I mean, that's so many. My hall pass would be the lady at-

The grocery store. No, but who's hers? Oh, hers, right now, my maze is the fucking guy from Game of Thrones, Jon Snow, whatever his name is. And would you allow it? No, God no. But I'm just saying. That's like who she would want. It's nice to know what she wants you to be, basically. Dangerous game to play. You think? Yeah. Do you ever ask or no? No. Yeah, I would never ask. Well, you don't want it to be like, you know. It would be someone not looking like me. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar or something.

Magic Johnson. Matt's wife is just, we like Ron Jeremy. I'm just really into like Ron Jeremy. Well, that would work out. What? Yeah, I never really ask, honestly. It is funny though when you're like looking at pictures of a guy with someone you're dating and they're like, he's really attractive and you're like, him? I don't know.

I know. Sometimes it's a guy that I'm like, that dude's fucking disgusting. And she'd be like, he's got great eyes. And I'm just like, well, apparently he'll fuck anything. Yeah. I've heard a few ladies say...

Stavros is a sexy guy. Stav has got something. He's got something. He's got chlamydia. I'd tit fuck him. It's all confidence. All confidence. I don't even know how much confidence he has. No, Stav exudes a sexual confidence and Stav is cool. I mean, that's the thing. He's cool. When you're just really cool, women are going to be... I've had like hot chicks come up to me and be like,

stav is hot yes and i'm like yeah what about you what about him is like it does it for you like just the way he carries himself and i'm like that's yeah let's go that's hot right there huh mama let me breastfeed i know um no dude stav is cool that's it that's what it i mean and he's also brilliantly funny super i mean he really is like so i i get why women are like into it i fucking get it he's yeah he's awesome

I think it's the same with like a super talented independent. Independent women? Yeah. That's hot. Like women who just do their own thing. They don't worry about everybody else. You just hate a clinger. Well, that too. Same here. I'm with you. I'm fucking with you. Well, because you lose respect. You're like, get off me. You're clinging on to me? That's fucking sad. Go find your own shit.

You know, go fly. You're a lady. Go fly. The world is your oyster. Get out there. And she's like, I just met you like two hours ago and you just came inside me. But the world is yours. Get out there. Go soar. Hey, hey, we might be drunk is brought to you by sheath underwear. I won't even look. I bet I'm wearing it right now.

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Yes. Here's my new move with all the abortion laws. I wear a condom and I pull out. That's my new move. Let me tell you something. Smart. That's the move. I was with a woman a while back in fucking, tell me this a bit. I was with a woman a while back in St. Louis and she goes, do you have a condom? And I go, yeah. Yeah.

Have you been watching the news? I think I want to come back to Missouri. I've got a fucking condom. It's funny. You're more worried about baby than disease. Oh, yeah. I'm the opposite. Really? Well, you can get rid of a baby. You can't get rid of herpes. There's no clinic for that. I haven't been watching the news. It's getting harder to get rid of these babies. That's true. New York, you can do it. If I'm in Missouri, this is going to be an uphill battle. There's alternatives. That's the baby's name, Uphill Battle. No.

I'm just saying, with a baby, you know, there's a couple drinks, maybe a wrestling match. We can get rid of that thing. But herpes, that's there to stay. The herps. The herp. Can you get it even if you wear a condom? Oh, yeah. Wait, herpes? Yeah, yeah. Really? If you wear a condom, you can get it? Yeah. I think so, yeah. Oral. Oral.

Heavy petting? Wait, wait. If you're wearing a condom and you have sex with a girl who has herpes, you can get herpes? I think so. I've heard that. Might just be precautionary. But it also is around your pubic area, not covering that with the condom. So you're still rubbing, literally bumping uglies. Yeah. Bumping herpes. But I do have a drink called the Herpes Killer that I can cure you. Really? Yeah.

No, it'll just make you forget you have herpes. Party. I call it his peas. Equal opportunity. Can you give it to the girl, Muth? No, I remember I had an HPV scare a while back. I remember talking to a doctor and he goes, everyone has it. You don't have HPV? Everyone, of course I do. Oh, okay. I was going to say, what a nerd. Yeah, if you don't have it, you're a fucking loser, obviously. We all have it. Yeah, if you don't have it, go out there and be somebody, you fucking coward.

Yes. But I remember I saw a doctor and he goes, I was nervous because I had it. And he goes, yeah, dude, I didn't know at the time how common it was. He goes, everyone has it. He goes, I have it. And I said, yeah. He goes, did you fuck in your 20s? And I said, yeah. He goes, then you have it. And then I looked at the nurse next to him. She's like a hot woman. She just goes like this.

Oh, that's a commercial. Like an HPV ad. Damn, that's a cool hospital. Oh, yeah, dude. You ever go to like urgent care and I went to an urgent care and they have just pictures of like TV doctors. So you walk in, it's like Dr. House, McDreamy. I'm like, is anything here real? Yeah.

It doesn't give you a lot of peace of mind if you went to a cop and they were just like, 21 Jump Street. We fucking, we solve shit here, bro. I know. Did doctors still put their, like, their

The degree? Degree on the wall? Is that a... Because when I was a kid, every doctor had degrees all over the world. You just look at it and you're like, shit, the Philippines? All right, here we go. Right. That's funny. The Philippines. Yeah, I know. I mean, no one's ever like, hold on, let me look at this. You just go, oh, it's a degree. A degree, yeah. But it could be from DeVry.

or something. Yeah. That's true. But yeah, I've never seen the headshots of other doctors. Oh, dude. My urgent care, they have TV doctors everywhere. I'm like, who is this? Is this giving anyone peace of mind? Right. You're like, oh, good. Fucking Hugh fucking whatever his name is. Hugh Laurie House. He is pretty cool. You do like that doctor that breaks all the rules.

He's always a fun character. My uncle is that dude in real life. Oh, really? He's really like that dude. Stav has met him a bunch because Stav is from, you know, the Baltimore area and he lives there. So like we've hung out there a few times. We had dinner with him and stuff and Stav's like, I fucking love your uncle. Oh, wow. He's just a cool guy. He's just like an old school like doctor who breaks all the rules, who's fucking, who's always fighting the system. Yeah.

That is a good character because you're like, he's a doctor, but he's on our side. Yes. Because he fights authoritarians. Right. Shout out to House for A, it was a good show. B, that guy's British. Yeah. And he pulled it off. Comedy actor too. And a comedy actor. He was in a sketch group or whatever you call it. Comedy duo. You ever see this clip on Sopranos where Tony and Furio fuck with Dr. Kennedy?

You got the B on your head. Oh, yeah. Anytime a doctor won't return your phone calls, watch this scene. Here's a wreck. The most satisfying scene you'll ever see. Tony and Furio just fucking with. Yeah, here we go. Also, I think Furio, besides Silvio, might be my favorite character. Furio rocks. I'm all Corrado. The way they fucking roll up. They give him the golf club.

Oh, I remember this. He steps into the lake. What are you doing? Hey, Doc. Hey, Doc. Soprano Soprano's nephew. You belong to this club. Me? No, no, no, no, no. I came here to see you. Well, if it's about your uncle, you'll have to call my office. Well, you might need a new secretary. I don't think you're getting all your messages. For you. Titanium. I use one. Don't take it. They're 10 yards to my drives. Nice.

That's the right answer. Yeah. Intimidation. Yeah.

Well, I could use a little extra distance. Who couldn't? Damn, you can feel the tension. They keep stepping forward. He's got a bad reaction to that chemo. That happens all the time. There's nothing that I can really do. You know, there are worse things that can happen to a person than cancer. My uncle thinks he's on a diet. Now you know how old people are with their superstitions. He thinks it's because he went against you.

Oh. I was a surgeon, that's all. You gotta be on the U.S. Oh, the hat flick is so emasculating. This scene makes me so happy for anyone that's ever been dicked over by a fucking doctor. Yeah. It is like a heckler video, but for people who get fucked by healthcare. Right. Right.

You just live vicariously through Tony fucking with this guy. Damn. I love that stupid fucking game. I used to work at an Italian steakhouse, so they would always watch the pro-am tours or whatever. Just because I knew they were also super hard over the Sopranos because they're all Long Island Italian dudes, I would just sit there and be like, stupid fucking game. At first, they'd be like, what the fuck?

Okay. I get it. Yeah, Nick DiPaolo had that thing where when The Sopranos was hot, it was like on TV and new and fresh. All these Italian people were like speaking out like, this is not how we want to be represented. And he was like, fuck it, I like it. What are we going to represent? The Italian, no, the Olive Garden commercials? That's not us. That's way more insulting than this. I'm surprised Nick DiPaolo wasn't on The Sopranos. He was. Was he? He plays the cop in the Columbus Day episode. Hey!

That's fun. And now he's just at that protest. Now he's just there. He's like, what the fuck? Now he's just talking politics with John Sacrimony on his podcast. Johnny Sack. Any wrecks or peeves or bits or anything, Mark? Oh, shit. Well, you know I got a bit. What do you got? Hold on. Do I have a peeve? Should we do some bits? Hold on. Hold on. I think I might have a peeve. I got a peeve. Hit me. People that do the fucking...

uh the voice memo thing on that's all he does i'm sorry salicus all right you're on the walk a lot you don't annoy me as much as a lot of people there's a lot of people that really fucking bug me with it you'll you'll keep it short which i appreciate yeah that's 15 seconds that's the key 15 seconds i can deal with it's the people that give you like a 90 second one and you're like what is this your fucking podcast oh i gotta listen to your whole fucking life now i know it's

I've noticed West Coast people do it more than East Coast people because they're driving. But it drives me fucking insane because I'm like, just call me if we're going to talk. Yes. Just call me. I don't want this to go the way of texting because it's like,

You know, we went away from calling with the texting, which is like good. It's like we all have shit to do. And now we're going back to the phone calls with the voice memos. But it's one-sided phone calls. It's all about you. It's associated to a voicemail and that's it. And guess what? Guess who never listens to voicemails?

Any of us. We don't ever listen to voicemails. If it's important, you text me. Call me. No one listens to a fucking voicemail unless it's from a friend who leaves funny voicemails. Sure. Yeah. No, I'm with you. If I get a voicemail, I just assume it's bad, so I don't listen to it. Some guy like, hey, you owe me 20 bucks or whatever. I'm just like, ah. Even then, you'll get it on Venmo, though.

There you go. Everything comes through. There's an app for everything now. We don't need voicemails anymore. We don't need voice memos. Text it. I'm going to stand up for myself here. Okay, please. Okay. So if I'm trying to relay a joke, there's intonation in the way I say it. Ah.

And if you text it, you lose all of that. Call me, man. Okay. And you do call me. Yes. We all talk on the phone. You know, you call me, you call Mark. I mean, and also I preface this by saying you keep it short and I appreciate it.

There's people that do the 90 second shit and I'm like, fuck you. You're a motherfucker. May your kids get fucking cancer of the ass. And sorry, I took it there. Look, keep it under a minute. And I would actually rather the voicemail within a call because a call you, I can't get off a call. I'm like, if you go, Hey, I got a bit. Great.

Okay, bye. We never talk on the phone. No. We've done Zooms occasionally where we just bat bitch and shit. But like, yeah, Mark and I never talk on the phone. I mean, we talk so much in person. Like, what are we going to do? We text a lot. Yeah. But we don't like talk on the phone. But I call it, you got to set aside time. You can't do anything. You can't get on the train. You can't go somewhere. You can't buy something at a boutique because I feel bad doing the hang

Hold on. 2050. Okay. Okay. I hate being on the phone for like transactions. Yes. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm on the phone. Because you feel like a dick. Then you're that guy in line. So I'll take the voiceover over that. How about the guy who's on speakerphone in line? Oh. Yeah.

Why don't you fucking tell him to go fuck himself then? I know. Just in line. You're just like, can you keep it down? Totally. Yeah, I'm with you. So I'll take a voice memo because sometimes you can't do a call. Where are you at with a phone call just to bullshit? I love a bullshit phone call. If I have time, I'll do it. If I have free time, I love a bullshit phone call. Bullshitting's the best. I'm on the road constantly, as you know. I love having someone check in. I love someone having fun. But like...

I prefer a call to the voice memo because we're conversing. I don't like just a, here's how I feel about this shit. Listen to my way of the world here as I tell you why the paper is stupid today in a four-minute voice memo. All right. Ruffles over Doritos. All right, all right. But I will, nothing better than taking a walk

Earpods in, phone call with a friend. I love it. I call you on the road all the time. I'll be walking around St. Louis with flip-flops on in the middle of nowhere, hungover. Like, I got to interact with a human being. Because that's what we like. We want to be with someone but also alone. Yes. And it combines the two. I mean, it really is. I remember they said that something along those lines in the Carlin doc. We needed someone around him but not to talk to him. I was like, holy shit.

If there was ever like a more relatable comic thing, like we hate how lonely this life is, but also we want someone around. And I do luckily have like an orbit of friends who check in and like, but holy shit, like, cause we're gone always. I know. I know. And then you're alone. Like Patrice said that great joke about women. He's like, I want to be with a woman, but not,

Yeah. And it's so true. We want you around. Yeah, yeah. Then he does the whole thing where the- Great Patrice joke. He's watching the game. She's like, why are you watching that? Aren't you hungry? It's cold in here. And he's like, what are you doing? You killed me. But it's a funny bit. It's a good bit. He's dead. But yeah, great joke. Every funny person's dead. We should get a Patrice thing up here, huh? I know. We got Geraldo, Norm, Saget, Pryor. Let's get Patrice and Carlin up here. Please. Please.

A couple others have died. Why don't I throw Schimmel up? Oh, I love Bob Schimmel. Man, Robert Schimmel, one of the best openers of all time on the old Dangerfield special. He gets on stage and he goes, I heard a guy got arrested for animal necrophilia. How do you plead for that? I'm sorry, Your Honor. I thought the cat was alive while I was fucking it. That's his opener. That's how you know you're in for a fun night. That's a brilliant joke. That Dangerfield special was like dice dice.

Seinfeld? No, Seinfeld was on the next one. Oh. With Kennison. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And Roseanne. This one had like... Hicks. Hicks. Carol Leifer, who's super funny. Very funny. Fuck, who else? Robert Townsend? Barry Sobel. Oh, wow. A buddy of Barry Sobel. The hottest comic at the time. Dude, Bill Hicks said on Dangerfield, if you haven't seen it. Game changer. Holy shit. I mean, just...

literally the most spiteful breakup jokes and they're so good. Yeah. We're going to get into that in the Patreon. All right. If you want to watch that. I'm down. We should watch them. Dude, you know what I was watching? Here's a fun rec. A,

80s fucking action movies if you want something mindless before bed first off I was just re-watching Robocop clips cause they're so fucking oh it's too dark it's so dark it's so dark Paul Verhoeven dude it's insane pull up the last scene of Robocop it's so fucking hilarious are we doing too many clips this episode am I overdoing it no I'm just saying this is dead or alive you're coming with me Murphy final scene this is one or two

Of one. The final scene. Ending scene. It's fucking gold. Netflix did a thing where they'd show the making of Robocop, and it's incredible. Oh, dude, that director is like a genius, man. What is he, Norwegian or something? Some shit, yeah. Like that. I mean, is this the last scene? No, in the office, dude. Oh, that's not... Here we go, here we go. This is the dude from Beverly Hills Cop. The guy you love in Beverly Hills Cop is the villain here. Right.

It must be weird to get this role and then they just cover your face the whole time. Right. Well, he's out now. But yeah, that's true. It's very telling of the future. Oh, shit. It's like the Hunter Biden laptop. Here we go. This is Detroit.

Does this move ever work in a room full of like 30 people? You just put a gun to a guy's throat. I'll take you all out alive. Right. I will board the chopper with my hostage. Why do you have a gun in the boardroom? Anybody tries to stop me, the old geezer gets it. Oh, the old geezer. That's a rough thing to be called. I know, they look the same age. Fire!

Thank you. Oh, good for you, old man. Yeah. You know he's going out that high rise. Look at him smile. The black guy smile. That's a... But look at the smile here. Look at him. Let me go back to black guy here. No one's fazed by that? Wait, in the same vein, Demolition Man? Great movie. That's 90s. Is that 90s? Yeah. That's a good one. But still, fun. But Sylvester Stallone knitting...

Oh, yeah. Yeah, right. You don't know how to use a seashell? Three seashells. Oh, dude. And Wesley Snipes just underrated funny as shit. He's good at everything. I think that's why overalls became such a big thing after that movie. That movie's solid. I rewatched White Man Can't Jump. He steals and he's so fucking charming. He's glowing. He's so good. Woody's amazing, too. And Rosie. That's a good fucking movie, dude. And a hook shot. I believe they're remaking it. I know. I know.

And they're doing Jack Harlow. Let me tell you something about this guy, man. I watched him play. He can't play. Come on. Pull up his game. He's got weird form. This is fighting words here. Hey, I'm about to give a shout out to our boy Rick Glassman. Yeah, the glass. Glassman should have gotten the part. Rick Glassman can hoop. Did he audition? He auditioned. What? Pull up his form. Oh, that was very funny. Wait, who is that?

But he just pushes his ball. He's not really shooting it. Hey, he made it. That's lucky. If it goes in, it goes in. Is that Harlow? Yeah. They're down by 15 points, though. Ha ha.

He does have the same demeanor of Woody Harrelson, though. Woody can play. Look at this guy. He's stealing this. Lay up. Look at that awful form, though. Bad form. It's going in, but I ain't buying it. Well, hey, that's what my lady said. Have you guys ever heard of what Woody Harrelson's dad was? He was a hitman. Yeah, he was a hitman for the mob. In Texas. Killed a judge, I think. Excuse me.

No, I think it's Harvey Oswald who shot a judge before he... No, no, no, no. Woody Harrelson's father was in prison for life. This movie is so good. I love white men. Hold on. I'm going to my car to get my other gun. Oh, dude. Oh, my God. When he robs the liquor store and the guy is just like, dude. He's like, all right. So he's like, and then he buys a gun off him. Yeah, yeah. You're going to need you a gun in a neighborhood like this.

Now you're robbing me. He's got a switchblade. I mean, this is... You know, the buddy comedy is really like... Yes. It was a new spin on the buddy comedy. Or instead of like, you know... A cop movie. A cop movie, it's white guy, black guy in the hood. Yeah. Good point. You get the racial and basketball...

And the culture's colliding when you can't hear Jimmy. All that shit. Amazing. With the Puerto Rican girlfriend. So many layers. And also the guy who like blew out his knee or whatever in college. Or no, he blew the game. He pulled the... But I love the idea of like, you could have been a contender. That always fucking... Right. That always stings when you're like, this dude deserves better, but this is what he does.

Woody's great in that movie. Which one of you guys is going to be Wesley and which one of you guys is going to be Woody in this spoof? Can we do double Woody? Double penetration. You just want Rosie Perez on this. Show some tit in that. You know, I think it's a solid movie though, man. So good. Hey, Woody Harrelson, you'd be a great guest in We Might Be Drunk. Wesley Snipes, you'd be a great guest. Both of them. Both of you.

Just call this episode Everybody We Want in their names. Bong, bong, bong, bong. No, but seriously, the Charlie Sheen shit, I think we can get Charlie Sheen. I think we can get him. Dream guest. He's going to come to New York at some point. Everyone annoy the shit out of Charlie Sheen. Like, I'm talking everyone. Every time he posts on Instagram. What do we say? What's the thing everyone says? Come on at We Might Be Drunk.

Come on out. We might be drunk. And we know every movie. We can talk to... I know every movie. I know his whole encyclopedia. I know the whole... I was following winning Tiger Blood. I know all of it. So he did a tour with Jeff Ross. We know Ross. We know Simon Rex. We're in. Come on, Charlie. Chuck. Book it, dude. Come on, baby. Book it. Tiger Blood. We love you, bro. I'm not talking some Zoom bullshit. I'm talking on the couch...

Warm butt on the couch. I was watching old Spin City episodes. His delivery is perfect. You know what he does? There's always the character, like the woman he dicked over, and he's trying to make it right. He's just fucked so many women that he just feels guilty. I think it was Marsha Cross was the guest star, and she's like, you just left a note. That's all you did. And he goes, well, it was the only way I could express myself. She holds it up and says, later, Charlie. Wow.

Shit like that. You're like, oh, it's like, that's a great character. The sleazy guy who's like doing his best. Yeah. Me and my dad would replay him doing the guy in Ferris Bueller on drugs. What are you in for? Drugs. Oh, here we go. It's fucking great. We're just watching clips this episode. We're just drunk. I love Acapulco. We went to Cancun. At least the weather was great. It rained all week. But it gave us a lot of chances to sit in restaurants eating...

Right. This was comedy. He doesn't remember fucking this lady in another country, and it's a joke. That's hilarious. This would not fly today. No way. No way. But the fucked up thing about... This is what sucks about, like...

the way things are going, is now the joke is women doing that to men, which I'm fine with, but they're like, how do you like it? We're like, we're fine with it, but let us do it too. Yeah. You know, they're like, hey, well, now we're going to do the man as the butt of the joke, which is great, but you're just doing what we did. Yeah, you didn't like it before. Now you like it? Yeah, now you like it because you're doing it, so you're just as bad as us. So don't act like you're better. Don't act like you're more moral than...

It's just the same fucking joke. Yeah. That's what annoys me about the flip-flop. I'm not moral at all. I don't care what my last name says. I'm fucking scum. Yeah. No, I think... You see what I'm saying. No, no, totally. I mean, that's what... Bridesmaids is a great movie, but it's the same... You're doing the same shit. Trainwreck, same shit. Trainwreck's great.

It's great. It's a funny movie. Bridesmaids, funny movie. But like, it's the same tropes, just reversed male to female. Of course. But it also had never been done. So it's like, for that reason, you got to be like, well, this is fucking, it is groundbreaking in that way. Right. I do think like, yeah, let's,

I think here's the thing. At a certain point, it'll become funny again. It needs to. Comedy is all cyclical. It'll be back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to write a movie. Yeah, we're going to write it. Someone needs to make a movie, dude. Have we talked about this episode? It'd be nice. Someone should make a movie. I think Charlie Sheen should direct it. Sheen, Sheen, Sheen, Sheen, Sheen. At least cater it. Don't want us to do a bit.

Oh, yeah. You got a bit? I got bits, dog. Hit me with something. I got all these abortion jokes. I have this one about how like the abortion pill. There's a pill. They're mailing it to everyone now because of what's going on. You can order it online. Order the abortion pill, which I say like how long before we get abortion pill commercials? Well, like the abortion pill. We deliver so that you don't have to. Nah.

Nice. Yeah. There's something there, right? That's good. And then I have a thing about, fuck, what else? Did I do the reincarnation one here? I hear it. I said I believe in reincarnation. I think if you're an unwanted aborted fetus, you will someday come back as that guy at parties where everyone's like, who invited him?

Oh, yeah, you did do that. Oh, I did do that? Fuck, let me try a different one then. That's funny. You're still unwanted. What else? I mean, what do you got? I'll look for more. All right. I got some dumb ideas. None of these are great. Love dumb ideas, bro. Okay. Can you help me with this one? Because this one is something there, but it needs a lot of work.

Sinistra. Left.

But back in the day, what a crazy time. Like a guy would punch his wife at a bar and be like, that guy just hit his wife. But what hand did he use? You know, like there's something to the fact that you could do horrible shit back then. But if you use the wrong hand, that was evil. Not the horrible shit. The hand you used. And I don't know where to go with it. Yeah. No, hold on, hold on, hold on. It's tough.

In Muslim cultures, you don't do anything with your left hand. Is that right? Because that's the hand you wipe your ass with. You would never shake or do anything with your left hand. It'd be insulting to the person. Yeah. It's got to be tough being that left hand. The right hand's got all the good duties. Yeah.

You know, the right hand, you're writing, we're throwing the ball, then you're like, what do I get? He's like, you get to finger my butthole after I take a shit. Yeah, the right hand has all the good duties and the left hand just has the duties. Yeah, just the duties. What do you think about, it's weird that being a lefty is akin to being evil. Well, I wonder if they treat it like gay. He's like, I'm born that way. Like, nah, it's a choice.

Which means you get a cleaner punch.

Yeah, yeah. Maybe an element is missing in this bit. We need another thing to pump into it. Yeah, right now something's missing. What did I just say? Missing. Day drunk. Day drunk. Sorry. Can you do it from the top again? Well, it's not even a thing yet. I'm just throwing it out. Maybe we come up with something. Yeah, just hitting her lefty. There needs more there. It's just weird that times change and being left-handed is...

Like, that was bad. That was considered bad. Like, man, holy shit. Like, being, it's almost like they were, like, making up ways you could be evil. Yeah, right. Like, that's how diverse, we talk about divided now. Left and right. Literally divided by left and right, you know? And people with left hand were just fucked. Left and right, this is good. That's a better angle? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

They're still fucked now. There's so many workplace deaths in construction specifically because of left-handed equipment. Right-handed equipment used by left-handed people. Right, right. They're still fucked. They could be seen as bad luck because they could endanger the... Well, they're technically minorities. There's less of them. Also...

But it's just interesting because we talk about gay marriage and racial rights and all that, but what about the fact that left-handed people are just considered normal now? Is that right? Obama's lefty. Who else is lefty? Really? Okay. See? We're talking about a first black president. What about a first lefty president?

Went from evil to president. Black and lefty. Yeah. And liberal. America's come a long way. Obama's got that little lefty jump shot. Oh, yeah. Good looking shot. Talk about form. He's got decent form. I hear he's a dirty player. I heard he fucking throws elbows and shit. Really? Yeah. I love it. He's really good.

He just shoots him in the head. That's dirty. That's a foul. I don't know, dude. I don't have an angle. I'll try another one. I'll figure that one out. Try another one. It's something. Oh, okay. I got others, too. We'll fucking try it. All right, what about this? Some bullshit. I figured out that immigrant joke, but that's already working, so I'm not going to try that. I'm trying stuff that's not ready yet. Tried the gun bit. Oh, wait, I had one here. Hold on. Here you go. You ready for this? This is it. Okay, so you know how...

I can't say no. If you ask me to do any podcast, I'll do it. If you ask me to do any show, I'll do it. If I was a woman. I wish you were. Yeah, I was going to say. If I was a woman, I would be just fucking every fucking loser, dweeb, dork in the business because I just can't say no. Yeah. Thank God I'm not a woman. Yeah. I'd fuck everybody. Yeah. Thank God you're a man and women are like, no. Yeah. Yeah. They're saying no to me. Just to get some shit done. Right. Right. Right.

So it would suck being a woman, not because women have it that worse, but just because I would just be like, all right, I'm in. Let's go. If a guy hit on me, like if a guy bought me a drink, I'd be blowing him. Like, ugh. There's something very grateful about you. Yeah, yeah. Mark would fuck a lot of people. Oh, yeah. I don't know what the bit is, but...

I'd fuck every dude. I mean, I give you a lot of drinks, Mark. I don't know. Yeah, that's true, dude. If I was gay, I'd be all over you. Are you going to suck it or not, dude? Come on. Let's fucking, let's do this. See, again, there's no turn. Yeah, I don't see the angle yet. I got no angle. The angle would just be that I'd fuck every dude.

I'll play with these. This is a good part of the show. I'm like, Mark, do you have any bits? Mark's like, I would fuck so many men. I'm like, oh, all right. Well, that's cool. I got no angle. This is the hard part about comedy. You're like, oh, that's something. Yeah, I do. I can get on top. Mark's like, what do you have? I'm like, I would suck so many dicks. And he's like, what's the joke? I'm like, I don't know. I would just suck a lot of dicks if I was gay. Does it tell everything about how dating apps are like Zillow?

Is that an Attell joke? I don't think so. All right, that could be something. I was looking for houses on Zillow, and I realized it's a lot like dating apps. The only difference is you can go inside the first day. He might actually. I think he has a joke where he says he's a washer, dryer, and unit. I'd dump a hot load inside of that. Yeah, okay. He does it a bit. All right, I thought so. I just realized it. Dude, I had something about...

Fuck. More. Oh, I do like dead baby jokes here. There's something about, uh, about like Walmart, you know, like, uh, like how it's always the most pro-life people who are leaving their babies in the hot cars. And they're like, you know, they're like, uh, it's like, look, I love Walmart too, but you got to fucking remember your baby. I think the angle is like, you know, thank God, like Walmart's bad, like super Walmart. Those babies don't even have a chance. Like there's too much to do in there. You know, like I think the angle is like, you go like, there's too many options. You're like sporting goods.

uh, you know, groceries, clothing. I think by the time you go to the clothing and you hit the baby section, you're like, shit. Oh, that's good. I fucked up. What'd I come in here for? Baby food? Oh, fuck. I'm going to pay and then walk back briskly to that, uh, car. My line, the line that didn't hit, well, I think it's kind of funny, but it didn't hit was, uh,

you know, if you're like a Walmart greeter, like just set that guy outside to scour the parking lot. You just make sure there's no babies in the car. That's good. It's more of a good idea than a joke. That is a great idea. You guys like keen observations instead of humor.

It's like the shopping cart retriever, but for babies. Yeah, dude. With that button. There is something you can do. It's like this observational. Not funny, but there is something you actually do to prevent this, which is you take your shoes off when you get in the car and you put them in the back seat.

By your baby. So when you get out of the car, you're shoeless and you're like, oh, I'm shoeless. I know it's fucking crazy, but people do this. Maybe you shouldn't be a parent if it's coming to that. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe that's a sign you should not have children.

If you have to take your shoes off to remember you have a child. All right. Maybe no. And then the worst part is you can go in Walmart and buy new shoes. That's something like I do when I plan to black out at the end of the night. I'll put my keys in a weird place or something like that so I don't forget them. It's not like what I'm prepared.

You should have a baby party where you all put your baby in a jar or a fucking fishbowl just so you don't forget it. It's like the movie 12 Monkeys where you just see someone shoeless in a Walmart. You're like, oh. Hey, right. Ha, ha, ha.

To get shot a bunch of times. All right, but I like the, once you get to the baby section, you're like, ah, fuck. I'm going to do it. That's good. Damn. I'm going to do it again tonight. There's something there. I got nothing. House hunting's a tell joke. I'm bad at comedy. The left hand is not there. I'm a dude. I got to work on this shit. Did the shooting thing. All right. Got the weather joke working. Weather. All right. Weather the storm.

What about immigrant? I think I did that already. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do we got? I got a new thing about how immigrants... What a great... I'm jealous of immigrants because...

They get to live in America without the guilt. Yeah. You know, we're like slavery, civil rights, oppressing women, homophobia. And they're like, oh, I just got here. So they get the fun parts with none of the shitty part. It's like being a firefighter on September 12th. You know, you're like, this is great. They just show, it's almost like, yeah, you just show up at a party and, oh, I shouldn't get a phone call. Help me. Uh-oh. Is that Charlie Sheen? Charlie? Yeah.

Yeah, I didn't say anything about HIV. That was Mark. Oh, I said AIDS. Okay, sorry about that, dude. Yeah, there's something there for sure. All right, yeah, that one's working. But when I say 9-11 or 9-12, people are like, whoa.

I think you're fine there. All right. That's just people. Dude, people hear words and they check out. They hear words. They're not your fans, those people. You know what? I had a thing I thought could be funny is I was passing a running store and it just had a sign outside that said, hate has no home here.

and then there was another place that said no hate and then and then i walked to another running store it was like all in the same block and it had no sign i'm like all these fucking signs now if you don't have a sign you look like a dick right like they don't have a sign i'm just like as you want to walk in and be like hey guys uh does hate have a home here can i can i shop here if i'm hateful i'm full of hate yeah what if you hate running also who's running that much and full of hate

who's burning that many calories and being like fucking juice you gotta run away from them yeah you gotta run there's jews i got nothing i stink are we gonna get shadow banned for me saying that matt did i just did i just ruin this episode we were on a roll and then i said fucking jews and they're just like youtube just buried us dude what happened with your shadow banning was that a real thing i got fucking shadow ban dude yeah oh it's real is it i'll do i'll do ig like uh

Story things where I just ask questions and I like they get a lot of views when you do that over regular ones So I just do it to plug gigs and I did it like I got to be like I'll be therapist Sam like tell me what's wrong and I'll tell you why it's okay and some guy the one that got me banned was it says this one's been removed for like hate speech or something some guy said Someone hit me with a go a friend of mine hit me with a go-kart and I wrote back run him over with a real car and

And they were like, you're inciting violence. And I was like, anyone, no one watching that thinks I'm encouraging violence. Jesus Christ. Yeah, exactly. Damn. Yeah, I called a guy fatty and they got me.

That is hateful. Yeah. I'm offended by that. That hurts my feelings as someone who hasn't exercised in a while. Dervid Dermot. No, it's ridiculous. It's ridiculous. It's a robot deciding what we can and can't say. I think it bodes really well for the future of comedy. Mm-hmm.

Yes. Nothing like robots to have a sense of humor. Yeah. Thanks. We're going to be on trial. It's going to be a robot lawyer like, what you said was bad. I'm like, all right. See, it's been a good run, guys. Thank you. I don't get it. Well, speaking of sense of humor, where are you going to be? I'm everywhere, bud. When did this come out, man? I don't know.

Where won't I be? Buffalo, fucking San Jose, Los Angeles. I'll be in Pittsburgh. I'll be in Dania Beach. I'll be in Louisville, Irvine, Omaha, Phoenix, Lexington, New Brunswick, Oklahoma City, Springfield, Missouri, a lovely place if ever there was one. Home of Kathleen Turner. Thanksgiving, I'll be in Fort Wayne, Indiana. Ch-ch. Boom. Boom.

Oh, I mean, I'm looking forward to it. Tacoma, Spokane, all over the place. samuel.com slash shows. Hey, all right, all right. You got to keep scrolling.

Just hit more dates. More dates. Scrolling, scrolling, scrolling. Keep those prices scrolling. Baby in a car. All right, keep going. July, we're in July. All right, I got all those memorized, though. Okay. Lexington, Comedy Off-Broadway, Houston Improv, San Antonio, Comedy Connection, West Palm Beach, Florida.

Portland, Maine at the Aura. Oh, Portland, Maine. Never been there. Richmond, Funny Bone. Best lobster roll you'll ever eat in your life. Oh, really? Bakersfield. One night only at whatever the hell that is. Some brewing company. Royal Oak, Michigan at a theater.

We got Revolution Hall in Portland, Oregon, your hometown. Minneapolis at the Pantages, making that up. Philly at the Fillmore. And Nashville at Zany's. All kinds of good stuff. Good cities. Good dates. MarkNormanComedy.com. Get on the Patreon. Get yourself a good date.

patreon.com slash we might be drunk pod we might be drunk pod dot com for all the merch you get the glasses bodega cats coming any day now dude it's gotta be like what a week two weeks out it's coming dude I can taste it it's right there it's so close and we'll have better bits on the road oh my god it's good yeah we're better we're fucking we're drunk I'm sorry yeah we might be things are hard yes monkey pox what

What? Biden's fell on a bike. Snagglepuss. What? All right. We'll see you all in hell. Be the best. Sunday's the day for my next bender. I better keep your juice close. I've had a little much bourbon. And Norman's talking shit about Ken Pulse. And I'm the same way. Up on the roof like a cop. And make me well is feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here at noon.

This woman doesn't look like I remember her. And I... We might be...