Ep 83: Stavros Halkias & Ouzo
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Hey, hey, folks. Here we are. We might be drunk. We're back. Good to be here. We got a hot guest. What's up, boys? How we doing? Hey, I'll take it. Stavros Halkias is here. I didn't know you were going to fuck it. We were all just sitting here, no energy whatsoever. You just turned on. Snapped into it. You got to bring it up, you know? It's a show. No, this is an exciting guest. Stavros Halkias. That's right. New special on YouTube. That's right. Crushing it. Two million at this point.

point who knows where it'll be when this comes out two million two weeks feels good that's gotta be a record yeah it might be a record you hit a million and four days I was tracking it yeah a million and four days yep yep and then yeah I mean it's gone great like I was wanting I was like let me just put I mean really you guys are like you're you guys started doing YouTube specials I mean I remember we were literally on this block do you remember because we were doing pod don't lie on this block you got a call and I got a call that HBO passed yeah

And you're like, I don't know, man. Maybe I'll go to YouTube. And you really didn't want to. And it's turned out to be all of you guys doing it and then me doing it has turned out to be the best thing for our careers. Yeah, isn't that weird? He's doing YouTube specials. So yeah. Give it to the people. Even now, it's like you just have that link. You're just like, here's a little link. Click it. And any asshole in the world can see it.

Exactly. There's no blackouts. It's just people from fucking Denmark are like, this is a good special. Right. That's the coolest part is you're literally getting messages from people in Poland who are like, you need to come to Poland. You're like, I won't, but I appreciate the message.

Isn't that the weirdest? When are you coming to Bangladesh? I'm not. That's not going to happen. Do you get messages? Norm and I get a ton of messages from India. Hell yeah. Huge in India. Really? Yeah. I don't know why India, but we get a lot of- You know, the first, when I had a lot of messages from India was the infancy of my Instagram where I was just fully nude and it was a bunch of horny gay Indian men from India. Yeah.

And it turns out even the gay ones behave the same way as the straight ones. They're like, when come let me see penis. Some guy literally... The first time I learned my lesson to never open a photo from an account I don't follow, it was

straight up a fucking Indian guy. The resolution on the camera, it must have been like an Android from 10 years ago. It's blurry. It's like, you know, he's in a fucking house with just exposed wires, just his dick fully out, beating off in like some shack in wherever the fuck he's from. And I was like, you know what? I'm gonna fucking, I'm gonna skip opening these from now on. I'm not gonna.

But he sees those pictures and he's like, dude, you were asking for it. Those poses. He did frame his cock in a way. It still haunts me, the cinematography of that Jackoff video because it was from underneath so his dick looked way too big. It was like a blimp coming into frame slowly. You know what I mean? Like...

I love the guy without running water, but he has Wi-Fi. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Getting his dick out. I got priorities. That is disturbing to get. That is disturbing to get that video. I mean, I thought it was honestly one of the funniest things that's ever happened to me. I'm like, this is wild. You don't get dicks? Some guy is getting horny. I don't get really dicks. Oh, wow. You're big in gay Instagram. Huge in the gay. Materialistic.

Mateo will send me links. He's like, it's me and you, neck and neck, and hot as gay. I'm like, what the fuck? Well, you're in good company. He's shredded. He's shredded. He's so much hotter. Mark has also posted a lot of shirtless pics, though. I do one a year. One a year. Yeah, I don't want to be that guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you do, yeah, one a year is enough. Yeah. Because in like three or four years, there's going to be a few of them. True. I mean, you get messages for sure. Oh, the gays. Yeah.

And you feel like how a woman would feel. You're like, oh, I get it. This is like a lot. Right. There's a lot of dicks. I'll get messages from gay guys sometimes, but I never get a dick. I'll send you some of mine. They're respectful with you. You put out a much more weird. We're a couple of sluts. They come in cocks blazing with me and Mark. But you, they're like, I got to chat him up, see how his day was. Take me to dinner. See what happens. The weird thing is you get enough dicks and you start comparing. You're like, well, this one.

It's like baseball cards. He's got length. He's uncircumcised. Yeah. Damn. Can't help but rate. Of course. Of course. Should we get a drink in here? Let's get a drink. Beer Jew left, so now we have McCoy. What's your bar name going to be? I'll go with a McCoy. McCoy. Chips McCoy? Chips McCoy. Let's do it. Beer Jew bounce, so we got a Yuzu Rosemary Lemonade. Yuzu. I think it's a great thing.

You mean Uzo? Uzo, yeah. Uzo. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is our backup bartender. Yeah. We got JV. We got JV coming in. Well, this is a Greek episode here. I love it. We got the flag. Thank you. I do, by the way, hugely appreciate the layout. You're becoming the most prominent Greek. You know, Stamos, here I come, motherfucker. Giannis is out. Yeah, you know.

Giannis, we love you. It doesn't have to be a competition. Cheers. Hey, hey, opa. Get in here, opa. There we go. I'll break some. I'm going to smash this right after I drink it. That's really good. Oh, hell yeah, dude. You know, this is really, yeah, Uzo's good. This is a chip sequoia. I like what you did here because Uzo usually, the only way I've ever had it is straight up like,

Like with water. Like that's usually what... Because it's pretty... It's a little sweet to begin with, but I've never had a cocktail with it. And this shit fucking rocks. What is it? It's like a... Like a liqueur? Yeah, but it's like... Like limoncello or something? No, it's like some kind of like... Not mint exactly. Like some kind of like gummy... I don't know. What's the... Let's see here. Like a gelatin...

Anise flavored. Yes, yes, yes. I don't know what it is. And it gets cloudy. When you put a little water in it, it gets cloudy. It's pretty fucking... It's sweet on its own. So this is fucking sick. This is amazing. What's the liquor in here? Uzo. That's the liquor. Oh, that is the liquor. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, man, this is damn good. Yeah, this is fucking delightful. You've been to Greece a bunch. Oh, yeah, yeah. And, dude, I wanted to go to this. So, literally, even though this will be released in the future, I just wrapped up a fucking nine-month tour. Wow. And it's been fucking wild. And it's like my first time just...

road-dogging it. I mean, this... After the fucking pandemic, I was like, I have to make up a year's worth of money. You know what I mean? And I was like, and just... I want to grow as a comic, and I was planning on shooting something. So I was just like... Once we were open, I was like, fuck it. I'm like, I'm not taking any time off. I'm gonna go balls to the wall. So...

You're the only two people that I'm about to... Because when I say that, people are like, wow, that's crazy. And you guys are like, oh yeah, you were just doing comedy. That's what it is to you, two assholes. You were desperately trying to fill the different holes in your souls with stand-up. You got that right.

And it's never going to be full. No, no, no. This is not the solution. I don't know how many times I've had to tell Sam specifically. Like this. Yeah. You're right. The combo of comedy booze. Maybe after this glass. Hold on.

But anyway, I really wanted to go to Greece. But dude, just all that fucking travel. Like I was coming back from an LA flight and I was like, I have to do something twice as long as this to go relax for a week. Exactly. So I think this year I'm just going to fucking keep it local. I might go to some fucking, I might go to fucking Ocean City, Maryland, baby. ACMD.

I'm doing like Hudson Valley. I'm doing like, I do Rhinebeck. Maybe the fucking Hamptons. Maybe we'll go, what's up with Seinfeld? Can we use his house? Sure. We can use it. Tim Dillon just bought a house out there, that son of a bitch. I saw that. It's hilarious that I saw that on the New York Post. Really? Yeah. It was a New York Post Twitter. He said he's, I don't want to blow his shit up, he said he might have a party soon. That's what I heard. We might be over there, boys. That's pretty cool. That's what I heard.

Although, when is it? A weekend? Of course, it's going to be a fucking weekend knowing Tim. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's going to make you cancel something. Yeah, yeah. I like the road. Did you tape it? You taped it at the beginning of the tour, though, right? I taped it in the middle. In the middle, right. So, I didn't go into the tour. I wasn't exactly sure. Because it's also, you know, you're rusty. You don't know what the fuck's going to happen. So, I was like, fuck, it might take me a year to remember how to do stand-up. So, I booked this fucking, like...

year-long tour and I also just wanted to hit every major market that I hadn't been in and then it was like I was like oh fuck like within two months I was like oh wait no I can do stand-up again like honestly it was it took like a month to really feel like you were there right and then it took another month to kind of get the material into shape and I was like fuck this is like

And this is too long. Like, I was going to initially record at the end of the tour. I was like, fuck that. So I was like, literally, I was like, can we just do it, like, now? Can we do it in, like, December? And so I record in December. In L.A., right? In L.A. Why did you choose L.A.?

A couple reasons. I really like the Lodge Room. It has that old Masonic temple. It used to be a Masonic temple, and it was like... So it fucking felt cool. No one had shot a special there. I mean, Comedy Central swagger jacked me after I shot mine. They released one of those... What does that mean? They just stole... I'm joking, but they started shooting... They shot something where it was like...

those like five minute sets they shot it there oh come on you motherfuckers the whole point was no one else had shot anything yeah well in between I know I nobody sees that shit yeah

We're such idiots too that we get mad. I'm just like, people are going to... Of course. I did that with the den. I was like, no one's doing the den. Then I immediately got a call like, two other people are beating you to it. Whatever. Yeah. But anyway, so I did it for that. And also for fucking cost measures, right? You guys shot your own fucking specials. This shit fucking... It's up to... So I wanted to look...

And if you're in L.A. and you do and it was a fucking Monday. So it's like L.A. a Monday. You can get a crew that's just like not doing shit. And it's like, hey, will you work for a quarter what you're worth? Because it's a fucking Monday, a half day of work. And it'll be really cool. And it's like so we convinced a great crew to do it. And.

Yeah, that was the thing because it's like you can't fucking come through with the same shit. You know what I mean? Like it had to look a little better than the ones that were already out because the novelty was kind of gone. So you wanted – and that was always my thing. I was like this is on YouTube but it's as good as anything on HBO. It's as good as anything on Netflix. So we're going to make it look like that. So it had to be LA or else flying out a fucking top tier crew to do the kind of show I got would have probably cost me like 80 grand for some random –

you know, city. So it looked great. It's a killer special. And, uh, that fucking thumbnail, you can't not click on it. You see that mug on that thumbnail. You got to click. The outfit is perfect. Someone pointed out, Oh, time to suck Mark off. He was very clear about what the beep means.

Somebody pointed out after the fact, I did not realize this at all. They were like, he's dressed exactly like Ali Wong. Without even realizing it, I completely stole. I'm talking about people stealing from me. I completely stole her whole vibe. And the pregnant. And the stomach. Adult Cobra. Oh, that's hilarious. You ate Ali Wong? Yeah. Oh, my God. Damn, that's perfect. Yeah, the first one. The first one, it's exactly the same. Yep. Holy shit. What?

Matt, you gotta put those up side by side. We gotta send that to Allie. Damn, that's what the internet is undefeated with shit like that. Oh my God. They always catch everything. So people pointed that out to you. Yeah, somebody, you know, some comment or something, which I have, I have cool, I broke my, I won't read the comments thing for the beginning because I was like,

let's just make sure... You know, you're just... And now I'm back to not doing it, but, you know, because it's just... And also, the ones in the beginning are so positive. They're great. They're there for the first night. Exactly. No one's like, meh, night one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait till you read mine. Yeah. But no, yeah, the comments are great. The special's great. It's always...

Tough, too, because I talked to the YouTube guy when I put one out, and you have to watch a certain amount to get a view. Yeah. And so that means people are watching the majority of it, which is rare. Yeah, no, it's crazy. Because I've been doing a lot of shit on YouTube recently. I mean, that's helped me pop a little bit, which is putting the short –

videos there so I've gotten to learn about that shit and it's like yeah you look at it and it's like people the average is 20 minutes which is insane for a YouTube video insane like no one watches a fuck I mean I know it's an hour but it's like 20 minutes is fucking but it's free also and it's quality that's the thing it's like I'll I will still rent a movie if it's like a good looking movie totally but uh a

good free special all you need is a friend to be like you gotta watch this why not exactly why not might as well and I think once like you have this thing or I don't know if I was supposed to say but like

Once you put this out and people see the progress and the success, you'll never have to do another one. Yeah. You know, they're going to come calling. Yeah. That's how they were. Like my agent and my manager just, you know, we had the same agent. She got fired. I had a manager. He left the business. But because of my special. Yeah. They left. They left the business. Yeah.

They were like, people like it, but we don't understand it. And we're going to leave. But because I had the special with a bunch of views on it, I knew people scooped me up. So it was like the best thing that ever happened to me. Yeah. Some guy tried to fucking, some guy I never met tried to just, he just showed up in a green room and was like, hey. And it's like, I have an agent. That's old school. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I do that to me. And we shook hands. And as we shook hands, there was a pinky ring. And I was like, nah. Oh, man.

You can't be a manager with a pinky ring or a ponytail. Pick one. Hold on, Sam. All right, I don't come on here and start saying anti-Semitic things, do I? I said manager. You can be a regular dude. You're attacking my entire ethos right now. Pinky rings and ponytails?

Ethos, another Greek word. I love the idea of the guy coming to the green room because, you know, he was all day. He was like, here we go, baby. Cologne, putting on my best shirt. I'm going to scoop this guy up. I got him. And then you're like, can you get out? I'm like, I'm just, I'm here with my friends. You know, this is a bad hang. You know what I mean? It's like, I also just, just showing up in a green room is brutal because it's just like,

It's a lot. I just need... It was a small green room. Yeah. You know what I mean? There's not enough space, and now we've got to make small talk. Just for fucking the hang-up, I would be annoyed, let alone everything else. I did that when I was a young comic. I did that to a big comic. I was friends with his opener, and he's like, oh, you want to come hang out in the green room? And I was like, do I? And I went in, and I couldn't believe how cold the headliner was to me, and now I totally get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, absolutely. And now you're actually friends with Rob Schneider. What do you think pushed Dude Spigolo 3? But no, now I get it. But at the time, I was like, what? This guy's mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I can see it from both sides now. They're just tired. They're tired. And they're like, why do I have to entertain you? Because you came in here. I got to entertain you. Yeah, I'm at work. Yeah. Please get. Yeah, I fully, totally. And that was the thing. I was just tired of doing stand-up by the end of this tour where I was just like, I love it. It's fun.

You know, I like... It was important for me to get the skeleton of a new hour down. Yeah. And I have like 45. It's not... Obviously, I'm not recording it tomorrow. It's not ready. But it's like, you know, I think when it all is said and done, it's probably a really, really good half hour in there somewhere. That's killer already. You know, you got to fucking...

figure it out from there but yeah that was the thing where I was like if anybody by the end dude I can also see how people become entourage guys I'm totally in there where it's like I brought a friend to sell merch just a hand Eldest my boy shout out to Eldest yeah he's out there I brought Salicus with me to do on and it was just JP kind of take the shape of entourage he's drama Salicus is turtle you're kind of like Jesus

So I get it, dude. I fully get it. My dream is to travel everywhere with four men in track suits. You know what I mean? We all have matching track suits. It's fun. So you say, why do you do the road? First off, I love it. Second off, I bring Gary Veeder with me. Yes. James Webb has been coming with me. James rules. I have a cool crew. I love it. Yeah. It's tough. And you can't gamble out there with these locals.

like local openers. It's tough. I had a funny guy in Tampa though, Christophe Jean. He was, uh, John. He was really funny. Every now and then you get a diamond in the rough. Totally. It's rare. But then even it's just like, it's kind of like we were talking, I think a little bit before the show. I was, I feel like so much of our lives are podcasting that it's hard to remember what,

was set on mic and what wasn't. Sure. But it's like, you also just want to get the right type of opener too. Yeah. Like sometimes a club, like if, it's funny when people don't really understand how to book things and it's like, oh, I know who you'll like. So you're going to love your opener. He's exactly like you. Right. Some fat guy that talks about his little dick.

Just less accomplished with less good jokes. You know what I mean? And it's just like, he's a cool guy. I like him and I see what he's like. He might even be me 10 years ago. You know what I mean? Yes, yes. But I don't want me 10 years ago opening for me. I want like a lesbian housewife. Someone who I have nothing in common with. You know what I mean? Someone who has a completely different perspective on things. So that's why when you bring your friend and it's just like, you know.

It's just fun to have. You know what you're walking into. You know what you get. You need a different opener. I've had that too where I show up and it's like a tall dude with one eyebrow. He's doing dead baby jokes. I'm like, come on. And it's like they're just watching a worse version of you. You know what I mean? That's not how you want to get. If you were about to eat a perfectly cooked rare steak, you wouldn't want somebody just throwing you some fucking steakums right before. You know what I mean? You're like, no, I'm

a deviled egg i'll have a scallop you know what i mean like you know you don't want a shittier so anyway and and not only is it a shittier version but they're stepping on all your subjects all your premises so you're like fuck yeah now i can't do mine because it looks shitty tack

on after this. It doesn't mean we don't think they're funny too. It's just you don't want them on your show. And that's why the lessons you learn when you start headlining and you look back kind of what you said with the green room. I owe so much to Bobby Kelly because the fact that he had some little fat kid doing just shittier fat jokes than his fat jokes.

It's like, I don't, like, I'm going to kiss him on the lips. Dude, I could say the same about Dave Attell. 100%. No, both of us. When you said, like, you just want a shittier version opening, the first thing I said was, like, I used to open for Dave Attell. Yeah, dude, both of us. We were both just worse versions of the guys that brought us on.

So they're better people than us. Oh, yeah. I can say the same thing about Amy Schumer. No, wait, wait, no, never mind. I'd suck dick and, you know. Dude, yeah, that's great. What were the best cities for you? You know, I don't know. I liked Portland a lot, honestly. I love Portland. Yeah, it's great. Why is there such a bad rep, though? I feel like a lot of comic shit on it.

I like it too. I think if they shit on it, people can really be like, if you're just looking at it from a news perspective and they're like, oh, it's all the fucking Antifa and it's Proud Boys and hipsters. And it's like, yeah, those exist. But it's like, it's a fucking cool city. Everyone is just kind of like, it is a little wild. It is a little like all the strip clubs, all the like.

Did you hit them? It's a decadent city. I didn't. I didn't. It's like the most strip clubs in the country, I think, right? I had just come back from Greece, actually. That was the first one of the tour. And so I don't know if this ever happens to you guys. I feel like this has happened to me the last two tours where last tour, you know, years ago, I started in Chicago. Shows were unbelievable. Love Chicago. I was like, this tour is going to be the best one. And then eight days.

duds in a row. And then that's exactly what I mean. Portland was fucking unbelievable. Like, I'm like, I had just come back from vacation. It was the pandemic. I was worried the shows couldn't have been better. And I'm like, this is going to be fucking, I'm the king of comedy. You know what I mean? I'm fucking Bernie Mac. And then, and then I go to, you know, Seattle shows are like, whatever.

You know what I mean? I go to fucking, you know, I don't remember Tampa. You know what I mean? It's like good shows, some good shows, some bad shows. It's just like you start with those like just crushing weekends and you think you're in for it for good and then, you know, you just hit a Friday late show at a fucking, and it's like, or what started happening to me is the Saturday late shows used to be the funnest and now it's like,

They're too fucked up. They flip. Yeah. The early show's way better now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So true. But markets, when you get more into comedy, you're like, man, markets are important. Yeah. You used to be like, oh, I'll go to any city, I'll make them laugh, but...

I'll sell out here and then I'll go to Alabama. I just did Huntsville. And it's like, yeah, it's a little light out there. Oh, I forgot about light out there. Like, you don't hear that anymore. That happened to me there too. That's a tough, that's a tough spot. They also did not, they were not down with me making fun of the Nazi who they named the museum after.

oh, Braun. Yeah, Von Braun. You have to joke about Braun. Yeah, they were just like, absolutely not. I'm like, you gotta at least let me make jokes about it. No, no. They named the synagogue after that motherfucker. That guy's name was on everything. It really is.

It's everywhere. That's so fucking wild, dude. That's just a Nazi. That's the liberal part of Alabama. And they're like, we named a museum after a former Nazi. He said he was sorry. What do you people want? You got Israel and you got an apology. Can we call it even?

Yeah, that was a tough one. I mean, I like pretty much... I just like the fucking places you'd think I'd like. Same. Portland, anywhere where there's good food and it's just kind of a fucking...

like a place for adults behaving like children you know what i mean it's like you're gonna get you know weed weed girls are right girls are gonna fuck for no you know like easily portland's so sick for that reason you know what i mean like yeah austin even though austin's gotten a little bit too sceny exactly exactly but like you know i love that atlanta was fucking cool atlanta's great um but also dude the reality is i really enjoyed the the first half of the tour

And then it just starts to fucking... You got burned out. I just got burned out. Like, I was going... You partied on the road, though, right? Fuck fucking wild. In the beginning, I did. Yeah. And not only partied, like, in Portland, the reason I loved it so much, because it was almost like a vacation, where I was like, I'm taking in the fucking... I'm going on little hikes. I'm going to the Rose Garden. I'm going to the, like, Japanese...

tea garden you know what i mean like i'm seeing cool shit i'm i'm eating it at a tie at a like renowned thai restaurant i'm doing i have like a full day's worth of activities and it's like if you do that for more than like four weeks you're just like fucking tired you can't do it like this philadelphia i was in my bed for 12 like i'm just like the show is at seven

Or 7.30. And it's like, all right, well, I'll get breakfast. I wake up at 1 p.m. I get breakfast at a diner. I go back into my bed until 6.50. I get there as JP is halfway into his set. I do the first one. I lay on the couch. I lay on the couch between. Eat a chicken, a comedy club chicken. I'm like, oh, I don't want to do this fucking show. And this picture of Waitress feeding you grapes. Yeah, yeah.

Banning you with a big leap. So I was, yeah, I completely depleted my health bar in the first two months of the tour where it was just like, how much more of this can I fucking do? Where I wasn't even trying to get pussy. That's when you know I'm depressed. Where it's like, girls are on my DMs like, do you want to come to a bar? I'm like, a bar? Even women, you want delivery? You're like, I don't want to get takeout. Yeah.

It is a lot of work after a while. Dude, I do it with Gary Veeder, who's a father, and he wakes up at like 7.30, 8 a.m. So I wake up to text like 8 a.m. He's already been to the gym. He's like, breakfast? Another question mark at like 9.30, breakfast? Then at like 11 a.m., he's like, I'm starving. I'm like...

Get something to eat. I'll meet you for lunch. You're killing me. He works out every day. I mean, he's on it. He's shredded. That's my, that's my, so the big reason I want to take a bunch of time off and I'm taking the whole summer off is like, I gained like probably, like I lost a bunch of weight during the pandemic because it was like comedy was gone. I had nothing to focus on. And then I gained it all back. Just fucking go having a good time on the road. And I just want to get healthier. But I also just want to get like habits where it's like, all right, man, I need to live like that on the road.

Right. I mean, I need it's got it because this is our lives. Like, I know this year it was when I was like I had a big realization. I was like, well, there's no more when I grow up. I'm 33. You know what I mean? I'm a third. This is it. Like, I'm not like if I don't start doing some shit now, there's no one 10 years. I can. No. You know what I mean? You can't live. I could not live the way I live this year. Ten times. No, that would be fucking wild.

We just had Segura on here and he was talking about he brings a trainer on the road with him. Yeah. And it's like... He's on a fucking private jet too. I know, but I'm just saying, but you see how a guy that's successful lives that way and it's like we... It's a wake-up call for all of us because like, you know, Mark and I, it's no secret, we still drink a good amount. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like this does take a toll at a certain point. I'm just less of a booze guy, more of a weed guy. That's better. That's better. I mean, but I still drink and I still get high, but it's like I gotta... But that's... The Philly...

Literally, I took so many. Yeah, yeah. These are great. I'm literally going to get fucked up. You got to try Bodega Cat at some point. I will. Oh, yeah. So good.

Yeah, dude. It was like that Philly. So the 1 o'clock was when I wasn't high. I slept till – I looked at my fucking phone. It was 3 p.m. I was like, what? That's not good. And it wasn't one of those like wake up early, in and out. It was like my first memory of that day happened at 3 o'clock. Yeah. You know what I mean? It was like drifting. School is out. They had a full day of school, these kids. And you're like –

I better get out of bed. School is out. It's fucking brutal. Yeah, it's true. I'm sorry I cut you off, too. What were you talking about? I was just going to... Oh, shit. Oh, Segura, you know, with the personal trainer. He does the piano lessons. He plays with his kids. He does four podcasts. Then he gets in a PJ and goes to Denver and does an arena, and then he writes a book. Yeah. He wrote a fucking book. And I'm like, I get it. You're the man. He makes millions and millions of dollars a year. He's hilarious. He's awesome. Cool guy. Yeah.

I'd rather have a little edge. Yeah, I'd rather part. I'd rather have some memories, some crazy stories. I'd rather have a hangover every now and then and eat some chicken fingers and, you know, fuck my girl in the bathroom of the green room. Yeah.

Is he doing that? Oh, yeah. You fuck her in the green room bathroom? Sure. You don't have a pre-show ritual? Yeah, I jerk off in the bathroom. Well, either way. I have the same one. I fuck his girl in the green room bathroom, too. And I jerk off to it. That's awesome. Oh, yeah, it's fun. Don't go to Gotham. I used to know Gotham.

Oh, yeah. First time I headlined it. Also, though, like, he's also in a different part of his life, though, too. You know what I mean? He's 40-something. Like, I could see that. Like, and that's kind of what I'm realizing is, like, all right, let's start. Listen, I'm not done getting fucked up on the road. But it's, like, it's kind of the way, like, that's how I stopped drinking because I was, like, like,

this much where I was like and now it's like alright when I'm getting fucked up I'm getting fucked up yeah it's like for a reason it's like you know I'm getting crabs and I'm drinking 12 beers it's my brother's wedding I'm getting fucked up yes you know so it's gotta be a reason exactly so it's like it's like we gotta look at these weekends more as just work and

And then it's like, all right, if it's a special thing, if it's an anniversary of something, if it's a great city, if I have friends coming out, whatever, then let's let our hair down. You can't eat ice cream every day. Exactly. I hear you. Boy, oh boy, am I doing it both metaphorically and figuratively.

What's your brand for ice cream? I'm a Ben and Jerry's guy. What's your favorite flavors? I like to get some kind of fucking peanut butter, chocolate element in the mix. Chubby Hub and pretzel. I love pretzel. Pretzel is huge. They go a little too heavy on the pretzel, in my opinion, with Chubby Hubby, but it's close. And they have a new one, Netflix and Chilled. I don't know if you're familiar with this one. Is that good? That one is kind of exactly what we're talking about here.

where it's like a little, it's like basically the same thing, but with a better combination, a better ratio, in my opinion. Interesting. It's very good. Ben and Jerry, I love a little Cherry Garcia, man. But I've also been, oh yeah, that's a classic. I've also been doing that, like another fat guy move where I've switched to non-dairy ice creams to like pretend I'm doing something healthy, where it's like it's a complete lateral move calorically, but I'm like, well, it won't hurt my stomach. Yeah.

I tried it. I didn't think they were good. I tried the non-dairy. The oat milk can be good. Oh, oat milk. Cashew milk, you got to try cashew milk. Cashew milk is good. Really? Yeah, I mean, I don't think it's a health difference. Almond is not the one you want to go. Structurally, it falls apart. It's too thin. Terrible. Interesting. All right, all right. I'm learning. Yes, absolutely. I'd love to give you... This could become an ice cream pod.

easy we could do rogan hours what do we talk about ice cream what are some no-nos for ice cream other than that do you fuck with like even the health do you try like the halo tops i try it you know it's just it's got to have a good consistency some of the candy bar one is okay it's just there's some you know i'll do i like to just i like to i like to go high in like a van lewin i do they're vegans they have a great vegan one they do have a great vegan

You know, like it's funny because it's like in my head when I'm being responsible, it's like, well, I'll only get an ice cream cone. It's not a whole fucking thing. So I'm in the fucking ice cream aisle. Oh, yeah. We tried the mac and cheese on here. It was okay. I'm sure it's fine. It's too much. It's too much. You know what I love? The honeycomb is amazing. Honeycomb is their staple.

They got a chocolate chip peanut butter. That's pretty solid, too. I just fucked up a nice ice cream cone at Van Leeuwen. There was one right by where I was staying in Philly. Shout out to Helium, by the way. Great club. Great club. And it was a nice one to end on because it's like you don't have to do too much work.

Right. They're hot. There's only two shows. The Saturday shows actually were the worst ones of the weekend, if you can believe it. I can believe it. Thursday through Sunday. It's date night. So the regular people come out. They buy tickets. Thursday's a hot night. Thursday was incredible. And it used to always be the worst show because no one knows who the fuck you are. Yeah. Whoever shows up on Thursday is a fucking asshole. Right. But now they really want to see you. Exactly. What's that? Judy's? Is it Judy's ice cream? Yes. Is that the right one? Jenny's. Jenny's.

Jenny's is killer Jenny's doesn't fuck around That's a good one You know who else? Send us some Jenny's Will you Jenny? Jenny's is fucking killer And then also the milk bar Milk bar You're fucking the milk bar stuff Oh the place in New York Like cereal milk Yeah yeah Cereal milk I love cereal milk We did a shamrock shake On this On one of our episodes I've never felt Grosser An alcoholic? Yeah I hate that Shout out to Jamie I used to do that I used to do that in college And just throw up every time

It was one of those where you would party and be like, yeah, this is awesome. And then I would walk outside and I would projectile vomit in the neighbor's yard. And I would come back as if it never happened. Like, let's go. One of my favorite jokes of yours is the cannonball joke. Oh, yeah.

And it was like one of the trailers for your special. It's such a good joke. Thanks, man. How you're like, as a bigger guy, you're like, you think I only want to do cannonballs? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's such a fucking great bit. The expectations. Yes, yes, absolutely. The expectations of a big guy. And there's a lot of tags that I cut out of that where it was like, you know, I want to see what the top of the human pyramid's like. Let me breathe. Let me breathe that. What's the air up there like? You know what I mean?

Or I'm tired of chugging all my liquids. You know what I mean? Because I was totally in college. It's like big fat guy. Come on. Funny fat guy in college. Everyone wants you to chug. Yeah. Everyone wants you to do keg stands. You know what I mean? And I totally did it. Well, we've seen the movies. Yeah.

What's that guy's name in Varsity Blues? Piggy? Of course, of course. What's his name? Bruno? No, not Bruno. The Varsity Blues guy. I don't know. The one wearing 69? No, not Pigpen. What is it? The big fat guy that was wearing 69. He died, I think. Billy Bob. Billy Bob. That's it. Varsity Blues was fun. I loved it. I don't want your life. John Voight. Yes. Yes.

It's just awesome to see Jon Voight in a performance like that. Ron Lester in Morbid Obesity. Oh, did he lose it? Oh.

Oh, shit. Same with that guy Ethan Supley. He's Jack, too. I know. He's fucking cool as shit. Cool guy, yeah. Mallrats, man. Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, that guy's got an insane... Ethan's got an insane... Like, he's worked with everybody. American History X. American History X. I mean, fucking Wolf of Wall Street. My name is Earl. He's worked with everyone. That's when he was thin in Wolf of Wall Street. Yeah, yeah. But it's like his career has been... He's worked with pretty much anyone you'd fucking want to. Damn, he was so big. Jesus Christ. Yeah, he fucking rules. He's a cool dude.

Wolf of Wall Street's so fun. I love that movie. Yeah. Oh, it's the fucking best. It's so fun. It's the fucking best. We know a couple people in it. Henry Zebrowski's in it. Barry Rothbart's in it. There's a couple comics in there. Yeah, Barry Rothbart's just dancing throughout the whole movie. I know. What a fun role. Wasn't DeRosa in it for a sec, too? Nah. Joe DeRosa? I feel like he was in the background or some shit. I don't think so. You're thinking of Rust with Alec Baldwin. Yeah.

Do it. He was the guy whispering, do it. And Baldwin's ear. We'll say it was a malfunctioned dish. Do it. I'm selling sandwiches after. How long before he's just like back on SNL? It'll be a matter. And they'll spoof that movie. Maybe I was wrong. That was crazy. I mean, that's one of the most horrible things. I can't believe.

I mean, that interview he did was one of the most cringy. Like, that's what you do in a spoof of what happened. Yeah. I didn't watch it.

I just watched the clip. Yeah, the clips were brutal. He looked weird, too. He looked like he'd probably been fucking drinking. I mean, he's depressing. He killed somebody. You know what I mean? Like, that's tough to deal with. God damn, yeah, on accident. Yeah. Still great on 30 Rock. Dude. So good. Unreal. Well, that's, yeah, that's the separate the artist from the art. You know what I mean? It's like some of the best people at, like, impressive stuff are bad people.

Sure. You know what I mean? It's like, and I'm not even saying, I'm not even. That's true. Just in general, because it's like, I really, the longer I've. Yeah, it's like, yeah, it's like, it feels like it's zero sum life where it's like, it's like a video game where you choose what to put all your points to. Right. And empathy for people that are trying to get famous. The empathy bar is real low. You know what I mean? They're not wasting any of those. They're putting that shit. Michael Jackson. Yeah. R. Kelly. But also, but then there's like Norm, who's like my hero, funniest guy ever.

He can't drive. Yeah. He uses all his brain power to write jokes and read Dostoevsky, but he can't fucking drive a car. That's me minus the Dostoevsky. But I can teach you how to drive. He just was like, I'm scared of it. I don't like driving. That's correct. I have a license.

but I can't really drive. I grew up in New York, though. You know what I mean? Norm is from fucking rural Canada. Yeah. You'd think he'd be at least driving the tractor or some shit. Right, right. Colin Quinn was telling me a story that Leonard Cohen used to go watch Norm every week in Montreal. Leonard Cohen was a Norm fan, and Norm was like, who is this guy? Norm didn't give a shit. And then he found out who he was. He was like, I don't like that shit. I like country. I like country music. He blew off Leonard Cohen. That's so sick.

No fucking rules. Crazy. One of the best songwriters ever. I got a hallelujah for you, pal. He's just too genuine to fake it. He can't be like, oh, nice to meet you, man. Right, right, right. He just can't do that.

Yeah. No, that's fucking... Do you have any peeves either of you? Peeves? Yeah. Actually, you know what? What was the other one that was running bits? Rex. Rex. I got them all. But actually, separate the art from the art thing is a bit that I'm toying with that I can't quite get. Because I want to do something about ancient Greece where it's like, well, if we're doing that, that's like...

all the ancient Greeks were pedophiles. So it's like, I guess, I guess we're not separating the artist from the art. Say goodbye to geometry. You know what I mean? Like, say goodbye to that shit. So I'm working, I need a little something more to it, but it's like, you know, something about like, I don't know. If Alexander the Great was around today, he'd be called Alexander the Pedophile. Yeah,

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The great pedophile. Yeah, the great pedophile. He's good at it. Actually, he might have just been a gay guy. I don't even know if he fucked kids. I think he did. He probably did. They all did. They all did. Charlie Chaplin's wife was 14. God. Elvis, right? Elvis, Zeppelin. Everybody. Everyone was a pedophile. Jerry Lee Lewis. Yeah. So many pedophiles. Young people are very attractive. Yeah.

Here's where Mark's like, technically they were afebophiles. What does that mean? There's some guy will make a, every once in a while when the pedophile thing comes up, there'll be a guy on a video, like on Twitter that's like, pedophiles are young kids. Afebophile, you're thinking, that's 12 to six, and it's like, okay. Oh,

You can't be making this distinction. You know what I mean? Like, you just can't do that. Like, it's always like, I don't know, we'll drag some, like, you know, Republican, like, senator or whatever, and then, like, a libertarian will come in and be like, well, there's, words have meaning. Right, right.

Libertarians are like, and by the way, there should be no age of consent laws because that's the state dictating what you do. That kind of shit. Well, that's the big Gillis guy where I'm like, oh, how did we all miss that one about who came up with the state? Who made the ages? Because each state is different. So who is that guy like? Kentucky 14? That's such a great premise. That's great. No, really funny. That was right there. Peeves. I do have peeves.

All the airline travel, right? Sure. Why on a fucking window plane? On a window seat? I already know. Lay it on me, brother. Why the fuck can't you put the armrest up? Why can't you do it on a window? You know what I mean? Oh. You know? Because it's like... Because you're... I'm a man of size, Mark. You don't have to be up against this. MOS. You know? But...

When you're on, like, look, the aisle, I get it. You put the armrest up, I'm spilling over, you know, my titties are blocking the cart, whatever. On the fucking, on the window, why can't I fucking comfortably lean my entire body up against the fucking window? And not be wedged in the ribs. Why do I need a fucking love handle wedge? Right. Why?

What safety thing is going on with the fucking armrest there? Interesting. You should make the fucking armrest be able to go up on the fucking window side. That's a good peeve. Good peeve. That's a huge... Because I'm an aisle guy because I need the extra space a little bit. And you can fucking let your knee out. But where I... I was forced to sit window because of some fucking... The planes have been fucking horrible this whole last three months or whatever. I was forced to go window because...

I was like, what the fuck is this? Why am I fucking... Why are my ribs fucking getting poked by this fucking bullshit? I should be able to fucking lean fully, take a little nap up against the fucking window. Anyway, that's my fucking peeve. That's very interesting. That's a good peeve. It pisses me the fuck off. I got a flight peeve, too. Please. Dude, I don't know if it's been everyone lately, but the turbulence has been so bad lately on every flight I've been on. So, I'm on the flight. I have an experience that maybe God is trying to kill you. No.

haven't got me yet motherfucker but uh no I'm just kidding the guy who mocks God and then immediately he's like but seriously I don't know suck my dick God laughing

So the turbulence is horrible. And there's a couple next to me. And the woman's like, ah, ah. I'm just like, oh, come on. Now you're freaking me out. The husband's also freaking out. He's like, ah. And they're like holding each other. I'm like, fuck you. That's brutal. That was annoying. That's one of those where I'm like, if I'm that guy, I'm literally like, that's why I turned into like an Italian mob boss that's about to kill, you know, it's like they're about to kill you. And they're like, don't you want to go out with some dignity? Yeah.

You want to die like a bitch? Like, I'd have to fake it from, like, that's your wife, dude. You're screaming in front of your wife in your last moments. You don't want to give her a little comfort? Right, right. He's like, ah!

Most likely you're going to get out of it. So then you get out of it and you're just like, he's not a man. Yeah. Because I'm like, now I'm panicking in my head because I'm just like, fuck, they're freaking out. It's making me a little, you know, a nerd. But, you know, they're doing that. And then I'm kind of you also reminded you like, oh, I'm alone in the world. Yeah. They're holding each other like, no. And I'm just like, yeah, I mean, whatever. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, that's a great, that's a great, and so the peeve is not turbulence, it's turbulence etiquette. Turbulence etiquette. I love a flight attendant who handles it with dignity. Yes. Because we all look to the flight attendant because they're the ones who are on every flight. And if you see, I had one guy, we had really bad turbulence on the way there too. He was just standing like this as the plane was shaking. I was like, yes, that's a good guy. Respect. Because he was kind of like, it's nothing. He was just like.

And you want to see that as a passenger. Like, that helps. It helps so much. We all look to the flight attendant. But you know what they should do? Next time a guy's screaming like a bitch, after it all settles down, just go up and be like, sir, here you go, and give him a tampon. Just to fuck with him. Mark carries a tampon for the bit. Just in case. Just for the bit.

My peeve is the fucking announcements. We got too many announcements. I'm with you. All right. It never ends. And you're like, we know all this. It's silly. And they stretch it out. It's like, don't tamper, play with, fuck with, touch, reach around on this smoke detector. And then how about this one? When they come down with the brochures for the miles, right?

Who is buying those? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what? Give me that. I'm going to... Yeah. You sold me. Well, it's not even... They're not buying. Isn't it like they're literally... You have to apply for a credit card? Yes. It's like, you expect me to fill out paperwork and have you do a credit check right now? Yeah. On the fucking plane? I know. It's crazy. It's so forced. I hate it. I hate the announcements, especially because...

I know some people that just watch the movies on their laptops so they don't have to deal with that. But I'm trying to watch The Winter Soldier. I'm dealing with this bullshit. There's a pause. It's a good action scene. You disrupted the flow. And then I also... You know what I really hated? Back in the day, I don't think they're in Airline America anymore, but Virgin, back when they were in American Airline, you'd get that morning flight. You know it's going to be a long flight. And you just get... They do like a black-eyed peas type rap video for the safety. They'd be like, and you sit down.

And it was like, it was, you know, like one chick, two dudes. They were like a black guy. And you know, they're all just like, you're hung over. Turn this job being so fun. And it was like a long video. So long. We might be drunk is brought to you by manscaped. Thanks to manscaped. Everything goes down the drain, including my career.

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That's going to suck to have that kind of talent. And they're like, you booked a gig. You're the virgin rapper. That's interesting. I am actually a virgin rapper. I'm with you on the interruption. Oh, shit. They have. This is amazing. Todrick Hall. Todrick Hall. That guy cleaned up on this. Oh, totally.

No, they're fucking ads. Fucking ads, dude. And you're not getting the fucking ad. I'm not even going to say the thing. No, don't say it. They can suck our dicks. Yeah, it's sheath.com. It really is. I know they're a sponsor, but I fucking love that underwear. Great underwear. I might have to fuck with it. Check out Sheath, my friend. Oh, here it is. This is a high production. This is insane. There he is. There he is, Todrick. Damn, this has got to hurt your street cred in the rap. I don't...

This is at a soundstage in LA. What's up with the girl on the right? It's kind of a good song, though. But when you're hungover on a flight, and you're just like, just let me get fucking a superhero movie so I don't have to think. Of course. Exactly. You got the nun.

I'd fuck that nun. It's never been much of a thing. I guess people like it because if they're so religious and it's like a real, you know, you get the symbolism behind it. That's never really, you know, appealed to me because I'm not very religious anyway. What's your thing like dress up? Is there one that would do it for you? Yeah.

You know, I just like stupid hair. I like dumb wigs. I like just... I like... I don't know if it's a character. I just am a very simple visual man. So if it's like... I don't want necessarily an outfit so much as I want like dumb lipstick, dumb hair, like pink...

pink wig or something like that. Pink wig is kind of hot. Like just interesting makeup. Just you but like a fucked up, sluttier version of you. It's great. Like some kind of futuristic sex bot. You know what I mean? Like that kind of shit. Well, it's kind of a female peacocking. You're going all in. You look crazy. It's very feminine too. Yes. Give me like bimbo from the future. You know what I mean? Like that's kind of my shit. I'm with you. Tats. I love tattoos. I like nails.

on a woman. Sure. I want the whole thing. I'm with you. I like nails. Nails are hot, but then I also am like, she'll never stick that finger in my butt. That's the problem. You need a bi girl. It's so carefully manicured. Have you ever seen bi girls that have all their nails and just these two not done? And you're like, that's a lesbian. That's a bi girl. Is that what that is? Absolutely. Yeah, yeah. They keep finger popping nails. Yeah, yeah. Right. A girl wanted to set me up on a date and she goes, but you'll never like her. She's bi. And I'm like, yeah, that's my problem. That's a...

Why wouldn't you like her? I don't know. I was like, well, is she going to be fucking around with other women constantly? She's like, no. I'm like, I don't get why this is a deal breaker. It sounds great. Yeah. I know. And I wish, I mean, this is another bit that I'm trying to, like, I was doing it when I had a girlfriend and I'm kind of trying to figure out a way to, like, run it back. But we, you know, that's how dumb, I understand it is homophobic, but it's like, if a girlfriend fucked a woman, I literally, I know I shouldn't feel this way, I would be like,

Nice. Like that is, you know what I mean? I'm the same way. And it's so stupid. And it is homophobic because what you're saying is like, well, that's not a real, that's not a real sexual relationship. That's a fun little thing, you know, but it's like it is. That's a good point. They could be stolen from you by a woman, probably easier than by a man. Oh, yeah. Oh, she's finding. Oh, my God.

They know the clips. They're not. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I just do think that. Like, I can't... I'm the same way. I can't take myself from that. You know, I think it would probably take losing your girl to a woman to be like, you know what? But even then it would be like...

Yeah, but maybe this time. You know what I mean? I'm with you. But even then, I think I would be like, well, it's not me. This is something I could have done. It's a woman. Yeah. You know what you got to do in that situation? If a girl leaves you for a woman and she tells you, you got to go, I'll allow it, but I got to fuck her. I got to fuck her. And then you guys can run off into the sector. She's like, my stuff's already packed, Mark. I don't know what you're talking about. You know, what are you? Of course not.

She weighs more than you. It is hot, though. But I'm good. Yeah.

There was something hot about that. Yeah, that would be great. She's like, yeah, no problem. And then it's just like, just a girl in a shirt that I would wear comes in. Just a girl in a 2XL Hawaiian. It's like, I heard you want a little piece of this, Mark. And it's just like. I was trying to work on a bit how it didn't really work, but how like, true story, I saw two lesbians making out and I was so drunk, I just went, yes, like loudly. And then they stopped making out and one of them was an effeminate man. So I'm just cheering on. Oh, man.

I'm just cheering on. There's no coming back. What was he wearing? A tank top? He just had kind of weird hair. Well, then you just look like a pro relationship guy. Yeah, I'm just like, I'm up for love. Love, love. Good for you guys. Love. Heteronormative. I don't know, man. This is different for women where I've had many women behind closed doors say, if my boyfriend ever blew a guy...

That'd be the end of that. Oh, interesting. It's probably different. It's weird when you hear guys like Harry Styles who are like, it's like sexually fluid. I'm always kind of like, is that, at the risk of sounding ignorant, is that, I don't know any guys really like that, I don't think. What do you mean? Who will just kind of. Androgynous? No, not androgynous. You mean in their sexual, like heteroflexible guys. Yes. Guys that are mostly straight, but everyone might get sucked off. Do we know anybody?

I think we know a lot more guys. And I'll be honest with you, I might be one of those guys. Really? I've never been sucked off by a guy, but I tell this story a lot. And I don't want to repeat myself, but there was just a guy who reminded me of this girl I knew. And he was like a little blonde guy, hairless. You know what I mean? Like just cute mannerisms of a woman. And I was like...

you know, I literally had another show. He was like, we were chatting at the bar. I was like, I have another spot after this, but if I didn't, who knows? Where I kind of think, I think for me, it's like, well, I don't even fucking care anymore. Like, I've fucked a bunch of girls. It's kind of like just randomly fucking has kind of lost its mystique a little bit where I'm like, this would be an interesting night. You got to mix it up. It would be something. The post-ex would definitely be better. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He brings out his Xbox. But that's pretty, if you're going to go gay, that's the straightest gay. You know, like a twinkie, cute, blonde, hairless man. That is the ancient Greek tradition of hold around a little guy to suck you off after you've been doing philosophy all day. You have your little gay best friend who sucks your dick. Right. And that's separate from your wife, who's there to make children only. You know what I mean?

That was your guma back in the day. Your guma was a bro that you could wrestle with and then fucking bounce philosophy and theorems off each other and then he blows you afterwards. Sounds like heaven. Yeah, those guys had it figured out. Oh, yeah. But yes, I don't, but I do think like... I don't think I have any attraction to men. I just, yeah, I don't know. Most men I'm with you, like, it's like, it is funny when you're like,

Like me and my friend, Eldest, me and my buddy, it's like we think about that all the time where we make, you know, you make the dumb jokes like, why don't you come suck my dick? And then every once in a while you think about that. Yeah. And it repulses you to your core. It really does. And you're like, how do women fuck us? Like that's what me and Eldest talk about. Where it's like we are horror shows. You know what I mean? It's like you're some big lumbering hairy piece of shit. I'm fat as hell. But they like that. But they do like that. But bald. Some of them like a bald spot.

Yeah. You know what I mean? I'm like, that's fucking... Well, what's manlier than a bald spot? But I would love to get in a woman's head for like an hour and just see what the hell's going on because they're very secretive with everything, what they like. They made a movie about that with Mel Gibson. It seemed horrible. They got to get better. They got to get in there more. Yeah. No, it is weird. Like every once in a while... Because I remember older women too are more open to like whatever was formerly weird about us and how they like. I remember in college a girl wanted me to shave my chest and then...

Women now will be like, I love that you're hairy. Totally. Totally. And it's like, oh, where were you when I was a kid? Well, I do think... When they grow up. I think there's an element of they're growing up, but also like body positive shit has affected men a lot less. Like it's definitely... Body dysmorphia is a lot worse for women, obviously. Sure, sure. But at the same time, definitely, I think there was like a bit of a fucking metro sexual thing going on when we were in our youth, right? Like when you're in your 20s, there was a little bit of that...

going around where it's like you know the first iteration of Queer Eye there was a lot of getting your eyebrows done for the first time was going around amongst male like it was like a you know and I think it kind of went swung the other way now it's like you know you can be yourself do whatever you want essentially and it's like you know we're so lucky guys are so lucky that women can see past the look so much I mean they can really like who are you talking to pal I didn't want to say it but yeah

Like, you kill on stage, you're confident, you wear it well. I mean, you're in. Totally. No, I've definitely talked to women who are like, I've definitely talked to women who are like in the style for sure. Oh, there's a definitely, but that's the thing, everyone does have a type and it's like, and I do think, and it kind of goes back to gender or the sexuality fluid shit is like,

There is a little bit, people are into everything. And there's a little bit of like, from the moment you're born, you're like, you get either implicit or explicit messages of what it's okay to be into, right? So from the time we're little kids, it's like, especially when we were growing up and maybe even further back, it's like, what it's okay to be into for us is like hot,

like probably blonde probably you know what I mean like there's a specific skinny yeah like a type of beauty and you get those messages and it like kind of fucks up and that's not naturally what everybody's into you know what I mean like that's probably most people are probably there's a larger percentage of people who are probably into that thing but it's not exclusive no and it's the same way where it's like

People would fuck, I mean, people would fuck whatever, dude, and want to enthusiastically if they weren't like, if they weren't worried about like backlash or like not being seen as somebody who's cool. Like, it's also like a, it's also like a, a, like, you know,

It's funny. Do you know closeted guys who all their girlfriends are 10s? And you're like, well, that guy doesn't actually fuck women. You know what I mean? Because there'd be one six and a half that no one else gets that just absolutely does it for them. You know what I mean? So I don't know. It's all like a complicated thing where...

If people would be allowed to be into whatever, we'd see a lot more weird people that were so much weirder looking, a lot of whatever. And it's like, yeah. Yeah, look at their search history. That's who you see them at a bar with. Exactly. Because that is hidden. You don't have to show anybody what you're Googling and shit. And then you go to all these rooms or porn sites and you're like,

I'm not the first guy. Somebody made this site because they like this shit and I like it and now we're in this together. Now more than ever, it's like you see people kind of just doing what makes them feel good. And that's good. Which is cool. Feel good. And I have friends who just completely are like, you know what? I don't think I ever want a regular relationship.

I think I want to just fucking be out on my own, have different hookup with people and just kind of like focus, do my own shit. And those same people like, yeah, and maybe I'm like, maybe I'm a little bi, you know what I mean? Like, just like everyone is just doing their own thing. And it is, it is pretty fucking cool. And then, and then I also think there's obviously like a backlash of like some people. Kevin Spacey. Don't do anything. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Depends what you want to do. Right. You know, we're pretty open here, but there's a couple... That's coming, though. I'm telling you, that's coming. Like, kids, you'll be like, I like getting fucked by adults. And then we're like, oh, he likes it. All that's coming. Yeah, but, like, he's a fucking kid. He also would eat ice cream every day. You know what I mean? It's like, there probably are... Like, think about us, right? When you were 12, how many times were you like, I wish my...

biology teacher would bring me into this broom closet and suck my dick right now. Oh my god. But it would have fucking warped your mind probably. You know what I mean? Oh, I think it would have been cool. I'm with you. I'm with you too, but it's like at the end of the day My biology teacher was an old man, but I still would have done it. He's a good teacher. I think there's just the line of like when people can fucking consent to some shit. That is the line. Well, what about gender?

What do you mean? Now you're getting blurry with the gender stuff, with kids getting surgical shit. I think as long as there's nothing...

I think as long as there's nothing permanent, it's like a kid should be able to do whatever the fuck they want. As long as they have like their biology isn't necessarily, you know, reversible. I think for the most part, a lot of people are hyping that up to be like, oh, they're putting them on surgeries and doing this shit. When in reality, it's like just a kid wants to dress how they want to dress, be called what they want to be called and that kind of thing. And I think like who gives a fuck? It's the same thing with drag queens. Everyone talking about how kids shouldn't be allowed to fucking – drag queens shouldn't be able to like read to kids. It's like –

I mean, some drag queens are explicit. That's exactly right. Some of them are just like fucking cartoon characters. You know what I mean? There's nuance. It's the way you don't think like... Can you kidnap take a picture with Spider-Man in Times Square? Exactly. That's also a character. Exactly. Like, come on. Okay, exactly. That's a great point where it's like, okay, what if it's a guy in an Elsa wig and he's wearing a thing and he's shaved and he looks like Elsa? Yeah. It's Disney. It's like, is that... And you couldn't even tell really. Oh, you wouldn't have a problem with that. But it's like, is that an issue? It's just like, you know... I think it's much

That's what's working on me. That's what's confusing. I think it's much, you know, it's publicized because it's the most extreme version. Sure. But it's mostly a non-issue. Yeah, absolutely. It's just a way for them to spread outrage. Of course, of course. How many people did the bathroom issue really affect? But that was every fucking Fox News thing we watched.

I know. Guys, come on. And like calling them, like, what if it's a trans pedophile? I'm like, do you want to look at the odds of how many of those actually are? Just regular pedophiles. How about we do something about regular pedophiles? Give them their own bathrooms. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'd rather my kid piss next to... That's how we bust him. He went into the pedophile room. Move. And it's also like, I don't want to be a hack because everybody on Twitter basically ratio that dumb... What's that dumb bitch? Lauren Bobert, whatever the fuck her name is. Oh, she got her ass kicked. Where she was like, well, you got to keep them... Send kids to church, not drag shows. It's like...

Where do kids really get fucked, Lorne? Do they get fucked wherever Morgan's been fucked? Also, those aren't the only two options. There's other shit kids can do. What about Chuck E. Cheese? Can we go in the middle? DZ, man. Oh, DZ, shout out. What a fucking place. Pizza. Pizza wasn't as good as Chuck E. Cheese's. It was all bad pizza, but all pizza's good. DZ had way more of the, like, it was more of an adventure, though. You felt like a big kid when you were at DZ. That was the first place I got diddled. Yeah.

That's what the guy called his dick. Discovery Zone. He did skee-ball on Mark's butthole. He fucking threw it in. Just three kids lined up with their asses out. Pedophile skee-ball. He got 100 every time. The hottest one was 100. Some fat kids, I'm like, ugly kid with pimples is 10. That was only a quarter.

Ah, DZ. Those look like a fun place to take a kid. Dude. Ball pits? Absolutely. But you don't want to get a germaphobe in that ball pit. No. I mean, that's fecal matter all day long, baby. Yeah. Every time I swim in a hotel pool, I'm like, I'm just bathing in urine. Urine. 100%. But whatever. It's good for the skin. I love a nice hotel pool. That's what Kevin Spacey told his victims. R. Kelly. That was in his book.

I was a bed wetter. Yeah. Peed on a lot of kids. Until you're older, right? About 14. That's crazy. 14 is wild. That's old for that. Was there ever anything that kicked it? Was there ever like an end? Do you ever feel like I'm clean? I kicked it eventually at around 13, 14, but then when I would drink, it came back. So I peed on a lot of one night stands, which was, you talk about embarrassing. My God. I mean, you're already disappointing them sexually because you're so drunk. Yeah.

And then you wake up, you're both covered in piss, and it's their bed. You know, we're all young and poor and in college. It was brutal, man. You disappoint them, and then your piss is like the Nick Fury part of the Marvel movie where it shows up at the end. Like, more. And it's that been drinking all night piss. It's like syrupy and stinky. You weren't getting fucking eight glasses of water the night before. That shit is yellow. Dude, remember drinking when you were young, and you were just, dude, the amount of beer you

we would drink. Just bounce back. I can't imagine. Like, I'll drink beer now, but it's like, back then, when you're just like, I'll just have like 14 fucking Natty Lights. It was awesome. I know. Beer pong. Honestly, at my brother's wedding, I had like fucking...

18 beers dude I was fucked up I was cause I don't like I said I don't drink a lot so it's like I'm a fucking huge these days too so I'm just like keep them and they were fucking most of them were IPA oh that's a bad drum I was getting wild that's wild alcohol content I was getting fucked I had a great time but yeah but then I got COVID immediately after that I think probably I lowered my my immune system a little bit that's the worst part I would get

I feel like I just get sick when I get not all the time but every once in a while you get a hangover and you're like oh this is gonna be like eight days yeah hangover that goes into a cold absolutely one of the worst because it's like it's like all the fucking yeah because you're not everything else you're doing is horrible for you too exactly and you're getting fucked up and no sleep and if you took the

booze out of it you'd still get sick right the booze just takes it to the fucking next level and also the beer you're pissing all night the lack of sleep is the problem now you're waking up to piss i'll tell you what's been great for hangovers lately is i'll do a lot of natural wine no hangover man almost no hangover interesting but the problem is you're just still bloated all the time so you're like oh this is what like an o'doul's drinker feels like you still kind of feel like crappy yeah yeah but you're just not hungover yeah there's one very simple solution which is like

You know, stop, change the name of the show. You know what I mean? We're in too deep, Steph. Yeah, it's too late now. We're in too deep. Yeah, I love it. Any recs from you guys? Oh, I got to say, have you seen, I picked this for you. Okay. But it's also great.

We own this city? I haven't yet. Love John Bernthal. Love John Bernthal. So good. It's Baltimore. I have the book. I started reading it. Oh, really? Yeah, it's David Simon. David Simon. Did he write the book? No, no, he didn't write the book. But it's the Wire guys made it. And he is so good at it. The accent is fucking hilarious. He nails the accent. I've heard the clips. He nails it. It's great. I did Jim and Sam with him the day. Really? The day...

It was like a news story because it was the day where he was like, yeah, Kevin Spacey's a piece of shit. That's awesome. Because they were in Baby Driver together. And he said, yeah, fuck that guy. That's sick. And it became, I was getting picked up by news outlets like, Jon Bernthal says Kevin Spacey sucks. And I was like, wow. We all know he's a rapist, right? But this was before that. Oh, it was before. Yeah. I think he was just saying he's a dick. Damn, that's sick. Good for him, dude. Because he wasn't even really popping yet.

Like, Bernthal, I mean, now he feels like he's fucking untouchable. He was in stuff then, though, I feel like. Was that post-Punisher, post-Wall Street? Okay. Yeah, he was in a couple things. I think he's one of those dudes that's good. He's fucking, he's incredible. He's good. He nails his role. And it's fun. It's shot well. It's cool. Wolf of Wall Street. Yeah, he was so good in that. Oh, yeah. Oh, fuck. I gotta go watch Shot Caller. Fury, wow. Yeah. Um...

My rec... Hot rec. Yeah, that's a good one. I'm definitely going to see it. My rec is... You know, this happened to me by accident, but I'm going to rec...

I don't know if it's called edging or what it is, but I was getting sucked off recently, and there was a moment of miscommunication. And you know where you're like, there's like a millisecond right when you're about to bust where it's like if you stop, it's just like your body's like, oh, what the fuck's going on? You're not going to bust. It's like a cartoon where it's like you put your hand on the gun, and it's like, you know, it just kind of explodes and goes back.

in the barrel right you know and uh this so i was getting sucked off and i was just like i was i don't know what i said i was like keep going i just said something i must have been mumbling because i'm like fucking about the bust is the best the only good moment of the of that day and uh and she just stopped she just goes what complete takes her hand completely hand and mouth completely off my piece i'm like i'm like i'm gonna boss i'm like it's good come on i'm just like the

She's like, what the fuck? She stopped right then and there. And then I was like, all right, well, it'll come back. I guess I'll bust in a second. She goes back and sucks me off.

My dick feels weird. It's like tingling. Oh. And I'm like, what the fuck is going on? It feels like, fuck, I'm mad. I'm like, I got to get this out of me. You know what I mean? Right. My dick feels like I'm both about to cum and not about to cum at the same time. It feels so strange. And then I finally did bust the nut like 10 minutes later, and I was just like, whoa. Like my eyes rolled in the back of my head. It was fucking insane. And now I get why Sting does all that weird tantric stuff. Oh.

I literally came like women come when I was like, oh, you know, it lasted long. I was like, what the fuck is going? I was confused. Never felt anything like that before. My song bring on the night is about. Yeah. He couldn't stand another second of daylight. He was dying in the end.

Let me see if I got it. Yeah. You get blown. You're right about to bust. Right about to bust. At the moment you're about to bust, you stop. Okay. You let it go and you're like, oh, you know. And then you let it cool off and then go right back to getting. You put off the orgasm, basically. Oh.

Wow. That's hard. And then it's almost like you bust two at once. Damn. And it was fucking weird. I was like, what the fuck? I literally, when I was coming- So she knew what she was doing to you? No, not at all. Oh, really? It was a fucking completely happy accident. Damn. Yeah. This is like how potato chips were invented. It was an accident. No, you're right. Actually, truly, this is just random fat knowledge I have. That is how the crescent rolls in a thing were invented, where somebody-

only had time to bake them halfway and had to stop and then came back and Matt thought they were going to be like rotten or whatever and they were like well these seem kind of fine and then like re-baked them and like realized like oh we could like we

We could halfway do them or whatever, and then you just have to finish them for five minutes and they're fine. So actually, yeah, it was. Wow. They edged the crescent rolls. They edged the crescent rolls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's interesting. A lot of shit was that tea was an accident. Tea leaves fell into a boiling pot of water. Wow. Look at that. Yeah, fun fact. Yeah. That must have happened like 7,000 years ago. Yeah, oh, yeah. Some Chinese guy was just hanging out. Exactly. Trying to make soup. He was edging, and he's like, hold on.

Oh, shit, some leaves are falling. Fuck it. Fuck it. All right, good to know. I would say give it a whirl, but it was tough, you know? Yeah, yeah, it's going to be tough to re-re-enact. Oh, here we go. Was I right? The Slinky. The Slinky was an accident? Post-it note. All accidents. How was the Post-it note an accident? I was an accident. Were you? Play-Doh was an accident.

Damn. Damn. Happy accident. Chocolate chip cookies. What the fuck? No, I mean, that's just fucking complete. That's a slam dunk. It just didn't melt. Yeah, he must have felt awesome. Yeah. Who didn't think? Velcro? What do you mean popsicle? 11-year-old boy. You see old dudes in Velcro sneakers. It just looks fun.

They just gave up completely. So I had such wide feet as a child and big feet. I was like, now I wear like a weird... My feet are bizarre. They're 11 and a half, 6E, the widest...

the widest you can get. Really, I can only buy new balances and like a couple shoes where I'm comfortable. But when I was a little kid, I had like, I'm like, you know, I was eight years old with like size eight double wide feet. And it was like, I was wearing old men's Velcro shoes because I was like, I also couldn't tie my shoes until late for whatever

reason yeah and so I just would wear velcro and at first they make velcro for little kids you know obviously but then my feet were so big and I was that I was wearing like orthopedic old man's velcro yeah I was just like in third grade with just like the fucking you play basketball and stuff though right what do you do

I haven't played basketball since I figured out what my actual foot size... And there's a couple of shoes that fit me and I just stuck with them. I wore the Iversons in... The Reeboks. The Reeboks. I wore the Iversons in middle school. I wore the Dwayne Wade Converse. You remember those? A little bit. Those were pretty good. Those were pretty good for the foot. What else? A couple of Jordans. It's really just like...

It's really just like shoe to shoe. You have to try it on and see what fits for you. So are you girthy? No. Come on. Really? Just a regular run of the mill. Ah, shit. Sorry. It's really a brute. Like, if women know how big my feet are and then see my dick, it's a real letdown. You know what I mean? The feet thing is a myth. My dad has tiny, like, Asian lady feet. Wow. And he's got a huge hog. He's got a huge clit. And it tastes great, too. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Tastes good. Tastes like Uzo. Uzo. Dude, yeah. We should fucking... We should have some Uzo. You guys got to come to Queens, dude. We got to have some Uzo. Go get some fucking Greek food. Just sit outside. We got to get grilled octopus. Come through, dude. That's the most underrated food. So good. I know that... Grilled octopus, grilled calamari. Grilled calamari, dude. All the good shit. Greek food's awesome. Greek food is fucking great. Yeah, I'm sad. I really don't think I'm going to go back this year just because like...

Traveling seems like the least... Like, what I want to do is not have to travel. That's what's not stressful to me right now. Some people don't understand. They have, like, a wedding. I have, like, one weekend off. They're like, we have a wedding and this... And I'm like, fucking A. That's what happened this tour. At the end of... I was booked everything but two weeks. And the... Like, leading up to the special release. And...

And the only two weeks were my brother's bachelor party and his wedding. So they weren't real weekends off. That's harder on your body than a game. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Travel. You get why these guys go first class. They go private jet. It's just, it's the travel that kills you. Yeah.

The gigs aren't bad at all. The gigs are fine. The gigs are nothing. Yeah. It's like, yeah. Gigs are fun. The green room is nice. Yeah. The hotel is nice. But that travel, because it's just... Even the hotel, though, I'm starting to like, I just want to be in my fucking shitty little bed. Do you do Airbnb sometimes? I do Airbnb sometimes, yeah. Especially if I'm traveling with the crew.

Because it's just like you get a nicer house. You don't have to fucking, you know, four hotel rooms. That's a lot of money. That's a lot of money. That's a... I'm getting sick of checking in. Why does that take 11 minutes or 18 minutes? You know, okay, what's your last name? Do you have an ID? I hate that process. You just turn in a dice. You're like...

Come on. Come on. Give me the key. Well, the gym's over here. We have breakfast at this time. I'll figure it out. This is the shot. I'll figure it out. You know what the words when they give you the map of the city? They're like, let me show you where to go. Oh, wow. I wonder if I could find that on my phone right here. Holy shit. They're circling shit. Get out of here. No, I definitely...

You check in, especially the places that won't check you, for whatever reason, you land at 1 and they're like, oh, it's not available until 3. Brutal. I'm checking in on a Thursday. The hotel was at capacity on Wednesday. That's what you want me to believe? There was no room available for me right now, you fucking assholes. And I know it's a hack joke, but it's so true. Like, check in is at 7 p.m. Check out is at 4 a.m. You know, they just keep moving back and back.

With the polys of that joke. Remember that joke he had about he checks into the hotel and there's a shit in his toilet and he calls the front desk and goes, you know, most hotels leave a mint on your pillow. Here's some classic road jokes. Oh, yeah.

100%. Yeah, man. It's the best, though. I still love the road. It's weird. I do, too. I do, too. The way I describe it is if it wasn't destroying my body, it would be heaven. That's a choice. No, but even the drinking. Let's look at your livers in a couple years, motherfucker. Oh, Jesus. The liver's very resilient. My vice shows up right away. You motherfuckers are going to have cirrhosis in 10 years. Yeah.

Mark Cohen is liver resilient. It's like a wife beater in the 50s. He'll never get mad. Greg Giraldo is... Ah, shit. All right, damn it. But that's... It's just like...

Like doing what you love the most, traveling and seeing cool cities, getting fucked up, eating like good food, getting to fuck girl. Just like that is if that's what I want heaven to be. Yes. Being on a sold out tour with your best friends and you feel no hangovers, no nothing. Ah.

First class fucking sweets. That's heaven. Heaven. That's literally heaven. You're on the flight. You're first class. You're sitting next to a MILF. Yeah. Yeah, you're edging. Absolutely. She's giving you a little OTP exchange. She's jerking you off under the... 100%. Oh, they have all the John Wicks. You know what I mean? They have all the John Wicks. The flight attendant walks over. What are you doing? She starts sucking you too. Yeah. Wow. This is heaven and good. The first class meal is Popeye's. You know what I mean?

That's literally what heaven would be for me. And then, you know, you get to see your family during the holidays. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But yeah, but it's like, it's unfortunately there are body limitations. You know what I mean? Sure. Like whatever, but no, we're feeling it. I don't feel good. My body is definitely not doing well. The lack of sleep is, is what kills me. That's what fucks me. Every article is like dementia is from the lack of sleep. I'm like, cool. Yeah. I remember my grandma at the end, she was telling the same stories every day. I know she was singing zippity doo dah. Uh,

It's not making a lot of sense. You're going to be the old folks I'm doing I got this. I just wrote this shit. It's pretty new. Stop asking me where I'm from, sir. Oh, my God. I'm going to be trying doing crowd work with the nurses. Where do you work? Here, sir. Now let me change your diaper.

Where you from? Sir, I'm from Jersey. I'll talk slower, sir. You're senile. That does scare me because we know comics where we're telling the same stories already. Picture them in like 40 years. I know, I know. That's tough. We should all quit comedy.

I think that's the only... Whenever people get back and they quit and then they come, they're like, I'm back. And I'm like, it's like Shawshank. You made it. Yeah. Leave. No, it's the mafia. Where it's like, there's no way out. And the rare guys that do, it's like, never come back. Like, you figure it out. We have no other choice. This is it. You ever sit with a guy who tries to get out of The Sopranos because he inherits that money? Yeah. It just ends with him hanging himself. That's comedy. Yeah. That's your only way out. That's...

Yeah, that's it. I mean, now, as I really, I saw a guy recently, you ever have this happen where he was like, oh,

I'll send you my set. Not like, would you watch my set? Oh, dude. I'll send it to you. I'm like, it's like a favor. Yeah, of course. I hate when people ask for favors, but they do it like, I'm going to do this. Yeah. All right. You ever have the guy who you started doing comedy with, and he just fizzled out, and you're like, oh, whatever happened to that guy? And then you see him, he's always way happier. He's always working somewhere, and he's like, how are you?

you man i'm married now i got two kids i i'm a pilot or whatever you're like oh good for you yeah until you hear about that guy in the news you're like yeah he crashed the plane he was you think he was happy but he was not he was doing his act in the announcements yeah i think about it the german wings guy remember that shit oh that was awesome pilot just awesome wait you're talking about the guy who was being who is who suicide oh i killed a whole plane of people

I know the guy Mark's talking about. That guy stole a plane, did loop-de-loops with no training, was just sick at flying the plane, and then crashed it. Pretty cool way to kill yourself. Pretty cool. Pretty cool way to kill yourself. And he was funny on the radio, too. He was hilarious, yeah. I'm going to think of another one. There was one that was actually cool. No, no, I know the one you're talking about. Mine didn't have people in it. Who deliberately crashed a Germanwings airliner, killing himself in a 149th. That's not cool. Oh, well, that's fucked up. Yeah, that sucks. That's not cool. But our guy is cool. Yeah.

That's one of the coolest ways to commit suicide. Totally. Here's a rec for you. Did you ever see the movie Wild Tales? It's an Argentinian movie. It's like a bunch of vignettes. It's awesome. One of them, I'm going to give away one of them because there's six, but one of them is a bunch of people on a flight.

And they start chatting with each other and they're kind of like, oh, I know this person too. How do you know? I think you've told me this before. It turns out they all know the pilot. And he crashes the plane. They're all people who have wronged him in a way. That's great. It's a bunch of weird, fucked up stories. It's a great movie.

Wild tag. Yeah, I want to get into that. That's great. A big part of my time off is just like, I'm just going to just fucking watch a bunch of movies. Yeah. I just want to get in there and do the marathon days. I love a triple feature. I got a...

I have a projector in my house. It's fucking like a hundred inch screen. It's fucking sick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I upgraded it. So it's like, I used to be like, you know, I used to have like a shitty one where it's like you just couldn't watch it if it wasn't pitch black. But now I got one. You have Sunny Day. Can you watch games on there too? Oh, yeah. That's pretty good. I watch all the games on there. Yeah. UFC guy?

I'm not a big UFC guy. I used to be when I was younger, but I don't know. It's just like, honestly, once you start doing comedy, you only have so many. True. And I'm a hoops guy. You know what I mean? It's like... Stav and I text hoops every day. Yeah, I know. But my brothers are UFC guys. So whenever I'm home, I like to... Which of your brothers is into it? Huh? Both of them. Both of them? Yeah, George and Nick. Both of my brothers are into... They're into...

UFC stuff. And so, you know, like when we were teens, the ritual, because when the UFC was like really starting to, you know, it was like the Chuck Liddell. Yeah, yeah. You know, that era. Who was the other guy? Who was the guy he had the rivalry with?

Tito Ortiz? The other guy. I'm talking about, he's an older guy. Randy Couture. Oh, Couture, yeah. Couture was sick. He knocked him out. Yeah, yeah. Couture was fucking awesome. And then obviously, you know, Silva was, I mean, unbelievable. Unbelievable. Anyway, we would watch, we would go to the Buffalo Wild Wings in White Marsh, Maryland, and just get there an hour before the pay-per-view, just hold down a table right across from the fucking TV. And just like, spend our, spend my like, you know,

I don't remember what the fuck my job was at the time. Your paycheck. Yeah, I worked at Blockbuster for a summer. Oh, me too. Really? Yeah, I loved that gig. They told me that one of the managers was like, hey, we only pretend to send people to collections. If they take DVDs, we can't really do anything about it. And when they told me that, I checked out 10, just kept them and quit. I know.

Do you remember the movies? One of them was like Platoon. I remember Platoon was one of them. Yeah. That's a good one. There was a bunch of Scorsese because that was the summer I was like, I want to like learn a little bit about movies, you know. So Cape Fear, the Scorsese Cape Fear. Oh, great movie.

You know, weirdly, like How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days or just one of the... Whatever rom-com was around at the time. We Have a Girl Over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You Need One. I don't remember the rest of them, though. Platoon, I definitely... I watched it for whatever reason. I watched Platoon a lot that summer. Platoon's cool. It was still on DVD times. It was still... Yes. The tail end of that show. Charlie Sheen's a dream guest on We Might Be Dumb. Ha, ha, ha.

We've talked about it many times. The guy's got stories. He's got fucking stories. We're going to need more than alcohol. He's going to go all in. We need some whores in here. He's got a new thing coming out. Really? Yeah, with the Entourage guy. They're working on something. What?

Interesting. Could be cool. Could be good. Two and a half sluts? What are we talking here? Two and a half grams? I would love to see the next thing he does. Yeah, two and a half grams. Charlie Sheen's good, dude. He's a good actor. He's good. That's exactly what we talked about before. You don't have to be a good person to be good at something. No. God, no. You know what I mean? Look at Braun, the fucking Nazi guy. He's a hell of a scientist.

All right, Charlie Sheen. Oh, here we go. Oh, dramedy. I don't like that. Yeah. Dramedy is honestly a really tough genre to pull off. It can be great, though. It can be, but it's tough. If you stick the landing. I was hoping for a much more harder comedy thing, because that's what I think you should do. Where is he? Just something really funny. Is he in the photo? Unless they consider Entourage a dramedy.

I don't think so. Yeah, it's a pure comedy. All right. Well, good for you, Chuck. Martin Sheen. Whoa. Interesting. All right. John C. McGinley. Oh, Jamie Lee Singlet. We got some interesting names. Mark Cuban. Mark Cuban. Didn't he have an HIV Sheen? Yeah. I believe so. All right. Still cooking. All right.

Good for him. You can, yeah. That's easy to get. If you're rich, you're fine. Is that what it is? I feel like at this point, HIV is not that. I mean, you don't want to get it, obviously, but it's like you can. It's honestly a discussion whether you want herpes or HIV. It is. I think it's like a coin. Really?

HIV has become more of a, you know. Yeah. I guess the same thing with herpes. As long as you take the pills and shit. True. You're good. Yeah. One of our good friends has herpes and is married and his wife is fine. Wow. Wow.

We're all going to pretend like we don't know who we're talking to. So is everyone listening right now. We will. I think it's funnier not to say it. That person is Shane Gillis. No.

No, no, no. He's not married. Should we do bits? Oh, he did one. I did one. Sorry, I didn't want to do one. Let's do one. Yeah, you go. I'm looking. This is an idea I have about like... Wow, look at that. This is the angle I have. You ever do this in a relationship? You ever pop an Adderall and just really listen? That's my angle. Where you're just like really... It's like Viagra, but for your relationship. So I think the angle is like... That's funny. That's like the new thing. It's like listening is the new thing where you're like...

You know, back in the day, you know, it's Viagra. Anyone can get a rock-hard cock. You actually feel, like, special after 45 minutes of, like, hmm. Yeah. I like that. I mean, the premise got me. All right, I'll play with that. Really listening. Like, I listen so hard. I listen hard. Yeah. Something there. Interesting. Yeah, go ahead, Mark. Do more, dude. Fuck it. All right, is this something? Okay, so I'm trying to do this whole thing about...

you know prostitution because i have a lot of uh prostitutes in my neighborhood at night they come out and i know you're supposed to say sex worker but i feel like i've given them enough money i should be able to call them whatever i want and that hits but my whole point of the joke that's like a little lead-in the point of it is sex is weird because we all like having sex couples have sex but it's the only thing that gets sadder when you go pro nothing else is like that

Maybe bowling. Yeah. Bowling gets, you know, if you've got a friend who's a great bowler, that's cool. You've got a friend who's a pro bowler, you're like, what's up with this guy? You know, something's off. I like that. And then you can have a bunch of examples, obviously. You get like, what's good is just like, you know, pro athlete. Right. You know, pro, you know, comedian, whatever it is. Comedian, yeah. That's your job professionally.

But yeah, you're right. Sex worker. Is there anything else? Either way, you spend all your time in a mall or something like that. I don't know. Something like getting good at bowling. The only thing is getting good at bowling, like you have to work so much. Yeah. It's so much work. Right. That's true. Whereas being a sex worker. They don't look like they do a lot of work. Can we see a pro bowler? Yeah.

Yeah, they look rough. Yeah. Maybe that's the... I like that. Yeah. It's like, man, I know you have a lot of money, but you look like shit. Yeah. Maybe that's the angle. Like a prostitute. Yeah. And then something maybe like getting... Holes are getting fingered in an alley.

Is that too written? Getting fingered in an alley. I see what you're saying. Something about gutter. I don't know. We got some gutter in there. Alley, alley. Yeah. Getting fingered in an alley. But that's the bowl. That's the bowl, yeah. Fingering in an alley. You know what I mean? But yeah. But I see what you're saying. It does wrap up nice. Two fingers. There's something there. There's something there. It just puts a bow on it.

um let's all right i'll play with that yeah okay oh you know what i thought i had a uh okay here's here's something that i i can't i need a little something more to it i'm going through the old stuff actually this is good because i i got to a point after i was running this hour where i was like for a while i was like oh thank you buddy for a while i was like i gotta do something new every time and i was really but then i just got burnt out i was like let me just fucking get through this bullshit tour yeah it's good that i'm like going through this shit um

Where it was like I stopped. I was...

Because I'm trying to get a handle on my eating, so I figured I'd be sober for a while. So that way it's like, you know, you eat better if you're not drunk, you're not high. But now I'm just completely sober getting up and standing in line for a low-grade cheesesteak at 2 a.m. Right. Which is like so much more morally sustaining. Right. Just be stone, completely aware of it, and just in a bodega like...

yeah I'll take the cheesesteak please you know what I mean just like I don't know there's just like there's something there but I'm just like you're just on a different drug doing the exact same thing yeah yeah it's what's worse knowing you're about to eat a shitty cheesesteak or being drunk and getting a shitty cheesesteak in a fucked up state yeah at least with the alcohol you were blocking this out

Exactly. That's the problem with drugs that hide in your awareness. Yeah. When you're making bad decisions already. Maybe that's why on Adderall you don't eat because you're aware. You're so focused on how fucking horrible that is. When you're drunk, you're like, ah.

But now I'm just like, oh, I just really want this. I'm just face to face with the reality that this is what I want. Maybe that's the angle where it's like, I can't blame it on anything else. This is who I am. I'm a guy who gets this fucking cheese stick. You should do that for other things, like the women you're fucking. Everything is just like, no, this is just me. It's just what I do. I only fucked a guy when I was drinking. When you're sober, you're like, I really want to fuck a guy. You blame it on the booze, but it's just what you want. Yeah, there's some...

I just haven't been able to cry. I just think there is something very funny to that idea of being like, God damn it. This was, that didn't help. You know what I mean? I have to actually look at what the problem is instead of hoping a different, whatever. Maybe the end of the line is like, it sucks when you find out alcohol is not the problem. Yeah. You're the problem. You're the problem. It's not your drug addictions. It's you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's going way deeper. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a nice angle. I like that. That's an angle. And you blame the booze, but the booze is actually just an out.

because you can go, oh, it's because I was drunk. Yeah. It's just who you are. You go back to drinking and you're like, well, at least now I have a scapegoat. You know what I mean? Exactly. It's a scapegoat. Okay, this is good. I have a bunch of bullshit that I forgot to do on stage. Let's bounce some bits, man. I wonder if orgies have the same rules as like...

road trips where it's like do little guys do guys with little dicks get to call shotgun they get to go first you know what I mean like the way a fat guy gets to go first gets shotgun always something like that there's a guy with a little ass penis get to get to fuck pussy first you know these are all and then close to that is anal is little dick reparations is what I have written down here laughing laughing laughing laughing

I forgot about these. And then this one, I think there might be something here, but it's barely. Hang out with your friends in your 30s is just reverting back to childhood, where it's like now their girlfriend is their mom. Where it's like, dude, dude, don't get popcorn. Dude, let's not get popcorn all over the couch. I don't want to get yelled at this time. This is great. You know what I mean? This is great. And you want to fuck them both. Yeah. When you're a kid, you're like, oh, your mom's pretty hot. Yeah.

And when you're in your 30s, you're like, your girlfriend's pretty hot. Well, in your 30s, you have to pretend you don't want to fuck her. Yeah, exactly. You're still jerking it later. That was weird when you were young. You're just like, dude, I want to fuck your mom. And they're like, dude, come on. They'll find with the hot mom. Dude, come on. Yes, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you're right. Now you have to be like, oh, yeah, no, she's a pretty woman. I'm so happy for you, pal. Yeah. And I've never thought about getting head from her. Yeah.

All right. We might have got something. I think we got something. That's something there for sure. Yeah, the mom. The girlfriend being the mom is a rich premise. Yeah. That's great. She's scolding you. Yeah, because the only times you ever hang out is what you're doing, the stuff you would do, like when it's just you. Yeah. And when his girlfriend's away is the same way as when their mom left you. Completely. For a sleepover. You drank more. Video games.

drinking, snacks. It's literally the exact same night. Same thing. I love it. As you did when you were... So, all right, we got something there. Yeah. The only difference is your friend goes and fucks

Instead of, you know, just going to bed with you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's interesting. That's a great observation. All right, all right. I had one that did all right. I think there's something here about gun people who, like, it's their whole personality. And it just bugs me when they act like it's only for emergencies. And then you see their profile picture on Twitter and they're in front of a sunset like this. And I'm like, yeah, that's not what you, like, my profile pic is not me with an EpiPen. Yeah.

Like, hope I never have to use this. You know what I mean? EpiPen is great. EpiPen or something. Or like maybe Plan B could be funny. Or like, if I fucking, if I shoot a load, so help me God, I'll fucking. You have one of those bandoliers filled with Plan Bs. It's just one of the things where I'm like, this is the first thing I need to know about you. Right.

Right, right. That you have guns. Yeah. It's only for emergency. Yeah. No, that's really good. The EpiPen analogy. I had to open in Tampa by going, and believe me, I know where I am. Yes. I'm not saying, like, I get it, but I'm going to shit on you. Yeah. What else is only for emergencies?

EpiPen is good. Fire extinguisher. I tried fire extinguisher. I said spray a whole schoolyard is what I said. So help me God, I'll spray a schoolyard with this. That's good. Something there. Definitely something there. Airbags. Oh, airbags. The only problem is you don't choose when those come out. Yeah. I'm a huntsman.

Let's see here. Let's see here. There's gun. The gun stuff is always like, it's hard to find gun angles that haven't been. I got a gun when I get run by you. Please. All right. Help me with this because this is, I think is an ambitious bit. So I need some help here. So I'm not a gun guy.

I get people want to have guns, but I don't know if an 18-year-old needs a semi-automatic weapon. So my compromise is we got to treat it like a wedding. You got to show up to the gun shop with invited friends and family. And when the gun store owner goes, does anyone have any objections to these two coming together? Forever now, hold your peace, whatever. And now it's a public thing. So one guy can go,

I just want to say I grew up with this guy and he tried to fuck my dog or something, something ridiculous. Yeah, it's like really you should have a gun. You lost at Halo and you threw a chair out your window. Right. Something like that. Yes. And they can speak up because it's weird they can buy this in secrecy. Right. So it should have to be a public thing with the wedding. There should at least be a vote. A vote. You at least have to get 50%. Right. Right.

At the very least. Yeah. Yeah, and then every time that someone does a shooting, we should get to see the results. It was like, look, he eked it out 51-49. Sorry. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah, that's good. I don't know. That's good. And then I want to do a thing like at the end where I say, you know, a lot of people wait till marriage to have sex.

you have to have had sex to get the gun. It should be reversed. And the girl's got to come in like, I fucked him, I fucked him. Smell his trigger finger or whatever. That's really good. It kind of ties into the incel angle to shootings. Let me see that trigger finger. Okay, that one checks out. It's also so funny how fucked we are with the gun debate where it's like,

Your tone at the beginning of the premise was like, now, the controversial thing you want people to give you a second on is that 18-year-olds shouldn't have semi-automatics. I know, right? Like how much gun people have won. They can't get a money. We're not even talking about should they have guns. Yeah. We're talking about should teenagers have semi-automatics. Exactly. That's fucking insane. Any teenager. They can't buy a Michelob Ultra. Yeah. Right. Yeah.

Yeah, I love people who, anyway, whatever, we don't have to have the gun control the beer. Yeah, we don't have to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not, this is escapist drinking fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We already covered it. You gotta try, but can you bring us glasses? I just want him to try it. Give him a smoothie. It's hot in here. I know, Peters. It's freaking hot and I'm sweating. It's a little hot. Do you guys want some shot glasses? I don't want to shoot. No, no. Just give him a kiss. Yeah. I want a kiss too. Yeah.

All right. Let me get the bodega cat, baby. So what's the setup here? You guys did it with... With our friend Christopher. Give me a little bit, too. Just a little bit. Smelling rich. Oh, yeah. Salud. Salud. I'm in. Get on this. We're almost out. We need another bottle, Christopher. Send us a fucking bottle, dude. All right. Oh, that's good. Isn't that good? I like that, boys. That's a little rye. Yeah. Yeah, it's good stuff.

I love it. You guys got fucking whiskey deals now? We're trying. We're trying. I'm pumped for it, man. Ooh, I had a little ouzo in there. It helped. Absolutely. Went down easy. Love whiskey. All right, good bits, boys. Good pod. Good special. I mean, obviously, you guys know to watch Stav's special. Please watch the special. Subscribe to the YouTube channel. I have the special up there, but I also do a short every day, and I do- That's amazing you do it every day. I do a short every day, and I do twice a week, I do-

longer video, like longer crowd work clips. Twice a week. Twice a week, yeah. Wow. Something between, you know, two and a half to five minutes, something like that. And then, could you pull that up again? I forgot what my dates are. This is coming out a little bit. I'm going to love the Google history after this. It's just ice cream and cookies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's me. And then, yeah, so I'm doing a little mini...

I'm taking most of the year off, but I'm doing a little mini run. I'm doing Phoenix, Pittsburgh, Denver, Richmond, and I'm probably going to add something in December. And I'll probably be doing shows in the city, just working on the hour, just kind of like, you know, getting it going. Are you doing Comedy Wars downtown? I am. Nice. Have you been there? I've been there. I did a Sunday. It's amazing. It's great. One of the best. Great club. Love it. Honestly, I like the one...

I like the one in the Burbs, too. It's good, too. It's a really good one, yeah. Yeah, the theater style. It feels like a theater. I went for Papa there a couple times. Oh, nice. Love Papa. And the king, he rules. Love Tom Papa. And...

It was just really fun. I mean, just great clubs in general. Comedy works any way you slice it. And so, yeah. Oh, I got a shirt. That's amazing. I got another new shirt. Fuck. Dude, I want the Stavi Greek yogurt one. I'll bring it to you. That's great. Can you go to my Twitter actually, dude? Because I have a new shirt. I have a shirt with this guy, Bread Press, who does incredible. Oh, really? He does incredible. Yeah. Actually, I got to fucking put it. I got to add it to my website. But if you scroll down just a little bit.

I have a new shirt. Oh, they have me fucking blocked. Yeah, celebrate that one. Go to Vue. Go to Vue and celebrate the most hard dick. Yes. So I have a T-shirt to commemorate the special. Oh, that's great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's great. It's really fucking good. This guy Brad Press does good stuff. Damn. Yeah, so those are limited edition. Go get those little fuckers. But yeah, the YouTube channel, I'm really investing in my YouTube a lot. It just feels like...

I'll just do that. I'll just do that in the future, man. And so, yeah, please follow me there, guys, and please watch the special and Twitter, Instagram, all that stuff, and come out and see me. Thanks, boys. Thanks for having me. Thank you. I'm doing a big tour. I'm pumped. A lot of dates just added. Yeah, West Palm Beach, Buffalo, San Jose, Pittsburgh. I told you you have to take a fucking week off, Sam. LA. I told you I was going to fuck you up. Dania Beach. Not going to happen. Louisville, Irvine, fucking Omaha, Phoenix. Pick a week. I'm pumped.

calling in a bomb threat to one of these so that you have to stay home. That's the name of his album. Bomb threat. Fort Wayne, Kansas, Tacoma. Fort Wayne, you piece of shit. No!

Instead of sleeping in your bed, you're going to fucking Fort Wayne, Indiana. I've been there. That club's rough. Are you out of your fucking mind? That's a rough room. I got heckled there for a month. Is that fucking Thanksgiving? You're going to Fort Wayne on Thanksgiving? You know what? You deserve everything. All the back pain. You deserve it, motherfucker. They'll give you a turkey sandwich in there. It's just like home. You're sick in the fucking head. You're spending Thanksgiving in Fort Wayne, Indiana. You brought food in.

He's like, Thanksgiving, you ruined it. All right. I'm all over the road as well. Marvin's about to judge me, but he's taking even less weekends off. You got that right. I'm doing the Burt Fully Loaded Tour. That'll be fun. I got the Brandon. Oh, sorry. Hold on. City Winery in New York. La Jolla. Irvine Improv.

uh, come out to that. That's a fun room. Yeah. The Vogel in, in New Jersey, uh, count Basie theater. I think that's in Connecticut. Maybe wise guy. Salt Lake city. Keep going. Keep going. Houston improv, big room. Help me out there. Lexington, uh,

What else? LOL San Antonio. We got Comedy Connection. We got the Wilbur. We got the Neptune. We got Portland. We got Vancouver. We got Toronto. We got the Joy in New Orleans. So we got all kinds of stuff. Where are you playing in Vancouver?

Some Danforth, Danbury musical, something like that. It might be drunkpod.com. Get your merch. Get your cool glasses, all that shit. Gotham Studios, we love you. Peters, McCoy, thanks for filling in here. Bodega Cat coming very soon. Hell yeah. We love you guys. Thanks for listening. Yeah. Sunday's the day for my neck spender. I've read a Peter's book. Too much bourbon and Norman Canepaul's.

We might.