Ep 81: Tom Segura
01:41:40 Share

Hey, folks, here we are. We might be drunk. We're really doing it. The bartender's late, but fuck him. He's a rabid, raging alcoholic. Uh,

And we got a guest today, Tommy Segura. What's shaking, Fetty? What's up, man? Good to have you. We're pumped to have you, man. We were just talking clubs before we were rolling. Just talking. I mean, so you'll still hit clubs when you are working out the hour? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's what I did for this current hour. I mean, I kind of did it for... I would have done it more continuously if it wasn't for...

That 2020 thing that happened. But it was... Yeah, it was all like club weekends and then building, building. And then you go like, all right, I can take it to...

a theater show now, but yeah, that's the way to do it, I think. Are there certain cities that you want to hit every time? I saw you in Lexington once. Actually, I enjoyed that. That's a great club. That room is magic. Coming off Broadway? That's it. Yeah, that's a good one. I love doing the Ice House, like I told you, in Pasadena. That's a good one. Then there's like clubs that you just, you personally have so much comfort in. So like, the Brea Improv for me is where I first did a feature set. Whoa.

What did you feature for? Actually, the very first time was... Cosby? I got promoted during the weekend. Oh, bad host? Well, had a rough go. Okay. It was a tell. Wow. Yeah. What? Yeah. Wow. Holy shit. Well, that's got to feel good to get promoted. Yeah, it was. With a tell. Yeah. The king. And I was like super fucking...

Like a child. Like a kid with LeBron. I was like...

Like staring at him. He's like, do you ever blink? Like that, you know? Yeah. Green room and like... He gets more shout outs on this podcast than I think any comic. I have a fucking like whole chapter about him. I've told your story, that actor thing. I've told that on this podcast. Have you heard that? I think I told it on this one. I don't think we told it on this podcast. Well, I'll let you tell it because it's so good. Oh, yeah. So that weekend I got to end up featuring for him. It was my first time featuring him.

a weekend for the improvs and for anyone. And I was like, you know, I was like, I'm a feature now. Like it was amazing. Right. And then I started to get work from them like that. And then the next year, so like a year has gone by, I get a call, I'm working a day job. They're like, Hey, um, do you want to work like this coming weekend at the, uh, improv and Bray? I was like, yeah, sure. They go, you've been requested. Woo.

And I was like, oh, by who? And they go, Dave Attell. And I'm like, no. Right? So I was like, fuck yes. So I'm working the weekend. And I'm like, now I'm a little more confident. And I start, you know, I think we do like Thursday show. And then after the first show Friday, we're in the green room. And he was like, you don't have like a, you don't have 20 new minutes? I was like, what? And he's like.

I mean, you did some of those jokes last year. And I was like, oh. Yeah, I guess. He goes, I mean, do you want to be like an actor or something? Oh, my God. From him. Hearing that from him. You did tell this. That is brutal. I mean, kind of. But then I was like, fuck. I mean, yeah, it was like, I mean, it makes you right. What a favor he did you, though. He did like multiple favors. That's also the weekend where.

I was like, you know, everybody at that time... So this would have been like 2006. Everybody was putting out albums. Albums were still like a hot thing. And it was like... They were Comedy Central Records and all these record companies and comedians were just like... That was the thing. I've got a new album. Oh, yeah. And he was like almost most famous for Skanks for the Memories, which was an album. Huge. So every comic talked about that album. So I was like, yeah, I...

I'm thinking, I go, I'm wondering if I should put out an album, you know, like, I think I wonder if I should record an album. And he's like fucking, you know, smoking. Yeah. And he goes, do you have an hour you love? And I was like, no. He goes. But then, like, I thought about it and I was like, oh, yeah, that I didn't record anything for another like four years. Wow. Yeah. I mean, I definitely wasn't ready then anyway. Yeah.

but it was like here i if he hadn't said that or i hadn't heard that from someone i probably would have been like i should probably do something you know yeah i feel like this is so it's like from a dude who cares that's yeah and it's like a great and give a shit it's a great uh exactly um but it's also a great thing like when someone's like i wonder if i should record it's like do you have an hour you love right now yeah like is it ready yeah you know because people want the glitz and the glam the glory and the clicks hey good for you man but it's it's

always too soon i feel like especially now now well now it's like people are putting up like their first set you're like i know this is crazy i'm sure you get it uh too where like people send it to you they're like hey will you watch this yes you don't want me to you're like dude i don't want i really don't want to watch this you want me to watch it less yeah right i'll watch it in four years when you hate it too yeah yeah and then we can have a laugh about it right yeah right yeah tell us uh you know

He's all of our favorites, whatever. But like still to this day, I think, all right, I think he respects me now and he'll see me. He'll go, Hey, you got anything new? And I'm like, so now I have to do a bit to you. And so then I I'll do like one and he's like, yeah, yeah. Come on. He doesn't give now, but you know, and the craziest thing was that when, um, so I did, uh, back in September, uh,

Pete had this like fundraiser show, September 11 thing, right? Where like, and it was like, yeah, the garden. So it's all, it's all these comics on it. Right. And, and then it tells on there, he fucking had the most, he brought out a recorder. Yeah. Yeah. But then backstage it was so funny because we're all, everybody is like, I tell, right. He is sitting there fucking joking with everybody. Yeah. Like trying to make you laugh.

the entire time backstage. And I was like, we were all just sitting there like, the fuck? I was like, should we be trying to do this too? No, it was just him. Yeah, but he's tough too because one time we were on the stoop at the cellar and he's smoking and he has that filter on his cigarette. And I watched three people come up and go, what is that thing, Dave? And he goes, apparently it's a conversation starter. And we're all like, what the fuck?

Because he just knows how to get you. You guys probably have the same thing I do where you kind of have the built-in belief in the hierarchy. Sure, sure. So I'll try. I'll be like, oh, cool, to a guy 10 years older than me. But I don't feel like we're peers. No, same way. For sure. No, we have a lot of respect for the – I mean, look at the woman. We love comedy. Yeah, yeah, of course.

We're nerds. Yeah, I mean, Attell is still a dude. I saw him in high school at Caroline's. Did you really? Yeah, I have a little playbill that he autographed.

Wow. I was a dumb kid. It was like, Dave Attell? That's the greatest. So, no, we still feel, we talk about it, we still feel weird that we know him. Yeah. So we don't ever want to overstep. Right, right, right. We think he's the greatest ever. Yeah, yeah. But what about this one? What if you see a guy who's 10 years old or whatever, but you don't respect his stuff? That's totally different. That's totally different. That's totally different. Then you're like, hey, what's up, man? Yeah. Yeah. That's true. If you don't respect him, yeah. Hey, what's up, man? This is Beer Jew. Hey. How are you, Beer Jew?

Good. What are you making today? Today we're doing some Bodega Cat whiskey sours. Ooh. This is our whiskey, by the way, Tim. We market our own whiskey. We're trying to sell a booze here. Yeah, Bodega Cat. You guys, like this is yours? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. We're going for it. We're going for it. Unlike Ron White, we didn't quit drinking. Yeah.

16 months. Way to go, Ron. Hey, good for you. That's good. He's trying to stay alive. Yeah. Good for him. Yeah, once your hair is that white. Yeah, but beautiful head of hair on that motherfucker. Un-fucking-believable. It's unbelievable. Beautiful. It looks like romance novel, like Fabio's hair. Yeah, dude. Exactly. Kreischer, though, he's going.

The hair. Everything else. Yeah. Well, I didn't want to get into the family neglect. But yeah. Look at that. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. Like a southern Fabio. Yeah, it really is.

Damn, yeah, he's got a great head of hair. It really is great. Drunk in Public, talking about albums, that's one of the best albums ever. Yeah. So solid. He's a great guy. I met him for the first time like a month ago, and he couldn't have been cooler. Yeah, he's like the OG. You're talking about Storyteller? Yes. He's like the OG Storyteller. Oh, Tater Salad, when that came out, that like...

Blew the roof off. Yeah. So when you were doing these clubs, what other cities were you at besides like Bray? I know Bray is a classic. Yeah. Anything else? Let's see. Dean, I'll do like, I did like, I think I did Dayton, you know, because it was like out, like, it's like you want to do kind of,

Club you know, almost like go into secondary markets more, I think, because you're like, you want to save like your primo markets. Oh, yeah. I'm hitting Fort Wayne, Indiana this fall. There you go. That's how to do it. That's how to do it. Tough room. Yeah. The Lexington room. I'm trying to think of the other ones. Yeah.

Comedy Zones? I've done those. I did like the Omaha. Oh, Funny Bone. That's a good one. That's a solid club. Really good club. It's one of those chains, but it's like a mom and poppy version. And they have like a built-in great fan base there. What about like, are there any cities or clubs never again? Oh, yeah. Here we go. Wuhan? What are we thinking? Yeah.

I don't want to go to Erie. Oh, I died in Erie. That's a clean room, isn't it? Last laugh. They want you to be clean. Jokers. Juniors. Juniors. Last laugh. Yeah. That was it. I did it once and the guy was like, you got to be clean. I'm talking squeaky. And he hosted. He went up and he was like, so I was fucking my son in the ass. What the hell? Yeah. He didn't have to be clean.

That guy is... They were fucking... It was because of... They sold it, though, so it's not the same owners now. Okay. So that clean thing came from this woman who bought the club, and her husband would work the bar, and he would, like, pull you aside. You gotta be clean. You're like, you guys have said this, like, eight times, man. Yeah. And then I remember I did a set where I worked clean. I did a clean...

or whatever it was then. And then when I got off stage, the lady goes, did you say penis? Oh, come on. I go, what? She goes, one of the servers said that you said penis. I go, isn't that the proper way to describe the anatomy? She was like, I guess, like that. Wow, wow, I guess. A lot of coos. I mean, it was just a nightmare. What a penis. I asked them, I go, has anyone ever said they're going to,

Work clean and then just ghost and they were like yes. I've seen that a lot. It was JB smooth So he said that he was like yeah And then he goes all right you ever know like a motherfucker and he just starts like motherfucker motherfucker Yeah, he said he gets offstage the guy goes

what are you doing? And he goes, what? He goes, you said motherfucker like a thousand times. And he goes, man, you can't put handcuffs on me, man. He's like, we just had this. So they fire, they go, you gotta go. Wow. I opened for him once at Caroline's. She's obsessed. I don't know.

I don't know if I've laughed that hard in my life, but he was sweating so he did a whole bit about fucking a girl like doggy style. And first of all, he comes out to but but but but you know, and it's all Jews, all like New York Jews who love curb 12 minutes in. They just start walking out.

Because they were like, what the fuck is this? It was so filthy. And I was loving it. It was not like Leon is a squeaky clean character on Curb, though. No. But there were their ants. I don't know. You just saw a bunch of yarmulkes filing out. It was great. Jeez. The exodus. Yeah, I've heard that one's tough. I remember Joe Mackey used to do that one. Are there any others that you were like, that's just rough?

As far as like shit clubs? Yeah. Man, I'm trying to think of like places I would... You try to block them out, you know? Yeah. There's like these depressed...

One of the Cedars, I don't remember. I think it's... Ooh, never been there. Maybe it's Falls or... It's the one I'm not playing coming up. Where I was like, I don't want... Like, you get off, you're like, I don't want to do this again. Yeah. I just did Tunica, Mississippi on this tour, you know? Whoa. Because we did like a southern run. I mean, it's not at the top of my I got to go back list. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's some that you're just like, what the fuck is happening here?

So I'm doing that Burt fully loaded thing. And, you know, part of you is like, should I do this? You know, am I going to ruin some of my tickets? Oh, right. You know, if we go to the same cities. But the cities are like Bristol, Tennessee, some town in Mississippi I've never heard of. And I'm like, oh, we'll be fine. You'll be fine. Yeah. Yeah.

But he sells. He's selling out baseball stadiums in Bristol, Tennessee. It's insane. Is that crazy for you that you were doing these? I mean, you're a dude that we looked at where he's a road dog, he's doing it the right way, and you're selling out these arenas now. It is crazy. I can't believe that. Because I remember when we were talking about people doing arenas five years ago, having these conversations and being like, oh, you can't plan an arena thing.

like career. You know what I mean? Like, no, it's like, we were just talking like how it just has to just happen. Right. So, and it just seems silly. Like when they go,

Hey, you have, here's an offer for, and when the offer comes in, you're like, to do the, where the basketball team plays? Wow. It does seem crazy. Yeah. It's crazy. Then we added one. We added an arena. In where? In Denver. Wow. So this is, you see like Nicola Jokic's face in the locker room. And you're like, I'm going to tell jokes here. It's fucking crazy. Yeah. It doesn't, it doesn't feel real. But the other thing that, I mean, you probably get this too already is like,

You do weirdly adapt pretty quickly to things. Totally. You know? Yeah. I think that's what comics do. And then you start going like, oh, we didn't add one? You know? It gets boring quick. Not boring, but it gets ordinary quick. Yeah, you get really used to it. Yeah. You get really used to it. But, I mean, doing arenas, I mean, it's like a whole different thing. It's totally different. You also realize that you...

It is the opposite of intimacy. Like doing the cellar is like very intimate, right? You're just like any like small club, you know? And then you realize that when you do the arenas, it's like they're watching the special. Right. Because they're all like most of them are just like looking at that screen. That's true. So you're kind of performing to the... Like you're not like, you know, what's up, like man. Yeah. You're just like putting on almost like you...

Learn the lines and you put on the show. Exactly. Exactly. I bombed at the Kalamazoo, whatever that arena is. And I'm still scarred. Really? I'm still in the shower four years later like, oh, that was bad. What were you just like? It started late and they were like, you got to go up now.

And they were seating. They were opening for Amy, right? Yeah, Amy Schumer. And it was the worst day of my life because she goes, I'm going to give you a Comedy Central special. I'm going to produce it. And I'm like, oh, my God, it's the biggest deal of my life. And she's like, so I'll watch. She never watched. She was in the green room getting ready. So she's at the side of the stage like this, and I'm just pouring sweat. I'm talking. You could hear a mouse queef. It was 20,000 people, zero noise, except for like.

Is this my seat? Who's that? Who had this seat? Are you here? Can I sit here? I was like...

And you're bringing out like the save jokes. You're like, every line, you're like, this one will turn it around. I'll get something. Yeah. I was like, should I go Michael Richards? That might get them. That might wake them up a little. I get some response. It was brutal. Fucking horrific feeling. Kalamazoo is a rough. A lot of camo hats. I bombed. I bombed. There was a club there that I remember I bombed at. Home of Derek Jeter. Thank you. Hey, uh,

I'm excited. Wait, what do we got again? What is this? This is just a typical whiskey sour with Vodeta cat. Oh, all right. Great. Awesome. I know you got a TV taping after this. We'll have a little bit. You don't have to drink all of it there. Yeah. That's really good. Cheers. Cheers. Mazel tov. That's delightful. Praise Allah. There we go. Might as well.

You're taping Colbert today. I think actually the first time I met you, you were doing panel on Conan. I was doing stand-up on there. Was that your first time doing panel or no? I don't remember. You've done it a bunch now though, right? A few times. Not that many times.

It's fun. I mean, I like it. I remember I was like, oh, man, because you were really good. You were really good. I was pumped that I was following you because you want to follow a comic. Yeah. And I think, who did I go? I was out there with Lisa Kudrow on that. Whoa. Yeah, I love Lisa Kudrow. Yeah, she's awesome. Dude, Romy and Michelle's high school reunion. Yeah, yeah. Underrated. Yeah, she was great. The comeback. Yeah, she's awesome. Yeah, panel is way less pressure than doing a set. Of course. It is, but also...

You can kind of just be... I mean, I guess they expect you to be funny because comedian, but you're following an actor. Usually you're in the same seat. There is an advantage in some ways. You just come out and you're like, here's jokes. But I don't know. Panel looks more fun. It's fun. It's fun. They do the pre-interview, you know, and they talk to you for like 40 minutes. And then you don't know because the person interviewing you is laughing. It's a phone call. And then you're like, all right. And they're like,

All right. Well, like tomorrow we'll figure out what we want to do about this. And then you're like, I wonder if they, like, do they like the stuff that it was kind of like throw away where you're like, that wasn't that, like, what if they, what if that's what they want to do? Yeah. And then the thing that you thought was the most solid, they're like, well,

Oh, interesting. So you just don't know which way. Because then what happens is you show up and they go, we're going to do this. Remember we talked about these things? We're going to do these three. And you're like, really? You want to do those three? Right. Now, if you just went off the beaten path and said, fuck it, I'm doing whatever, would they be like, all right, we can't have him back. He's a little. Probably. Yeah. Probably. Unless you're like a huge fucking star. Yeah. Because like Gervais could probably just go out there. I got it. I got it. Yeah. I think they said that. I asked one time because I did that with Conan a few times. Yeah.

I was like, what do you do with Will Ferrell? Right. The dude Conan all the time. Jim Carrey. And they were like, oh, yeah, he'll just be like, I want to wear a fucking chef's hat. Got to go with it. They're like, okay. Yeah. But you know it'll be gold. Yeah. Or like, because Burr would go on there and just like...

murder I followed him once on Conan and it was it might have been my best set ever because he's doing it was when he was doing that Caitlyn Jenner trans bit where he's like give it a minute you know like that whole bit and I was like holy shit he's killing so hard and I was like I was pumped I was like I had a few drinks in the green room and I was it was like the loosest I've ever been and I'm like holy shit this is like I'm saying following you or following Bill Burr it's like the dream spot right because nothing I say is going to shock them after Burr's doing a Caitlyn Jenner bit sure yeah

Yeah, I asked, I go, how does he, they go, we literally call him, right, when they're like, yeah, we want you to do Thursday. And they're like, so like, what's on your mind? And then he's just like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Women suck. All right, we'll see you Thursday. Like that. Whoa, that's the dream. Yeah. But you, I mean, you've done it a few times. So it's like, was Conan one of your guys where you're kind of like, fuck, I'm getting interviewed by Conan. There's a crowd. Like, it's different than podcasting. You get to still be a comic, you know? His thing is, though, I think a big part of this is like you're the host, you know? So he's such a generous, the one guy you want.

asking you the questions. Yeah. Because he's like, you know, he's a comedy writer at heart. So he's like really helping the bits move along. Oh, the best. You know, that's kind of the best. Yeah. I think Colbert is like that too. Have you done Colbert? Yeah. Yeah. And he was cool. Super cool. Oh, all right. Yeah. I was worried about him. You never know. Yeah. You can't get a read sometimes. Yeah, no. Because he comes from, remember like...

Strangers with Candy. Right. Incredible show. Yeah, and he's like... His roots are like improv actor, you know? True. But isn't it kind of nice now with the way things are going? You got podcasts. You got your own studio. You got arenas. You don't really need the couch. Before, that was a make or break. And now it's like, I'll be fine. Now it's gravy. Yeah. Now it could go horribly wrong, and then we would just talk about it on the podcast for a week. Exactly. And you'd be like...

I don't know. We would just make memes about it or something. Yes, yes. Ten years ago, it was like, oh, my God, my life is over. Yeah, you're right. Now Obama is almost like a badge of honor. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's kind of cool. When things go wrong and you have, like, this, this would be, like, the best thing to have after something publicly went wrong. Right. Oh, I think of the Stefano bombing. Exactly. Was it Wendy Williams or something? Something like that, yeah. Nick Cannon, maybe? Nick Cannon, yeah. Yeah.

Nick the Cannon was having a kid, so he missed the set. But yeah, you got to use it. And then now we have the power. I don't feel like we had that 10 years ago. Right. You have the power to do everything. I mean, like, I talk about you guys on podcasts how much I love that thing that started with comics finally going, oh, I'll just shoot it myself and put it up. Hell yeah. Right? And that thing has just grown and grown and grown. And it's the best thing, but it's all about, like, comedians...

Like taking the ownership. It's like, you know, it's no different than...

somebody wants to be a filmmaker and they're like, dude, just go shoot the thing. Like, go make it. And also touring has changed. I remember because I just did the thing with Letterman on the couch on Netflix. Yeah. And he was kind of like, so you just like, he kind of does, he's in a different era. So he was kind of like, you know, we would try to get a sitcom. He was like, can you explain social media to me? Which is like, I'm like, I'm telling David, I'm explaining social media to David Letterman. Right. But he was like, yes. I'm like, well, the money's on the road now.

And you can just make stuff. I mean, of course, you know, you could do a sitcom still, but it's way harder. And he was kind of like, so you self-produce it. He just didn't understand. It's like a whole new thing. It makes sense that it wouldn't like, it'd be new to him. Yeah. Of course. But you're right. I mean, the one thing I will say is like, now it is on us to decide when something's ready. Because you have to, you know, back in the day with these gatekeepers, the one thing is like,

I mean, look, obviously bad specials get made, but you want the most polished product to send in. And now you could just be like, yeah, it's ready. And you're like, maybe it's not. People will decide on YouTube, I guess. I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, knowing when it's ready is a skill you learn. I mean, is it harder for you to tell now? Because like your fans are diehard. Now you came up like a road dog. Good point. Yeah, I see what you mean. I think you can get lost in thinking that you're great.

Right? Like, if you don't have that thing in your head that goes, like, you know. But I feel like the only reason you fall for it is, like, you got lazy. Right. You know what I mean? You're allowing... It's like being like, I don't need to lose weight. Yeah. You just know. You just know. You're like, I need to fucking trim down. You know? You just know. Right. And I feel like you can...

You could be delusional about it if you want, and you know it from the stage. You know if it's all fans...

The real thing is if you're doing all fans and you're trying to muscle a joke in that's not working, but you're like, I'll just keep that. That's lazy. It's lazy. You're just being lazy. But I feel like you develop, once you do this a while, you actually know when to call and be like, hey, this is ready. Right, right. You can feel it. You can feel it, yeah. It's almost like when a girl fakes an orgasm, you're like, I don't think that was real. And then when it is real, you're like,

I'm squirted all over. Like that was, that was the one that was it. But yeah. But then there's some comics who are a weekend who are like, Oh, this is all this bringer show. This is all real. Like I'm just this comic. I make every woman come. I don't think you do. I don't think you do. I don't think you do. No, we like, I mean, I was just taping something and it's like, there's certain jokes where you're like, you're really fighting for it and they just aren't working. And you just have to be honest with yourself. Like,

I can have like maybe a quick one for me, but you can't put a whole thing for you that's not hitting. You got to keep cutting. And you're like, it's funny. Certain bits, even my director's like, it's a really good bit. I was like, but it's not working. I know. So if it's not working, I'll back to the drawing board. And you'll get it working later. And the thing is, you learn this over time too. You can't rely on.

on other people for it it's got to be you because you can you can hear the guy go that's great and be like see it is great and like yeah let that be the deciding factor right i mean but you're the one that has to go no right like because you know more than anybody about whether it's working or not it's the do i look fat in this and you want to be like well yeah you know you should tell me i told you you look fat in it yeah that's what i tell didn't it's like it's

I remember, Etel is so wise, and it's like comedy Yoda, where it's like the shortest amount of words. I remember I heard a guy complaining about not getting stuff, and Etel just said, get funnier. That's it. Not in a way that you're not funny, but what else can you do? And I was like, that's all you need to hear. That's all you need to hear. Yeah, I heard, what was it, Rogan said, he goes, be undeniable. That's the big one, yeah. I mean, that's a great one, right? Undeniable. Yeah, where people are just like, this guy is fucking...

What can anyone say? That's what the road is. It makes you undeniable because you're like, is this joke funny in Portland and St. Louis, Missouri? Is this funny everywhere? I heard Bill Burr talk about Tony V, and he was like a new comic, and Tony V was like this Boston kind of legend guy. And they're all hanging out smoking cigars, and Bill Burr's like, I don't know, man. I'm all about jokes, but I don't want to be one of these schmoozers and network guys, and I can't do that shit. And Tony V goes...

Get good at it. And that was it. And you're like, that's all you need to hear. Yeah. Yeah. It's a business. So many funny people who put no work into the other stuff. And like, you know, we started learning like, holy shit, there's a whole other side to this. You have to. You have to. Especially now. Like, you know, 25 years ago, you could pretty much like rely on.

like the other people to manage you and make things happen. But now everybody's like, you're legitimately an entrepreneur that runs like Sam Rill Inc. and, you know, Mark Norman Inc. And like, you run those businesses and you can fucking...

You can be like, you know what? We have a few stores open and I'm happy with that. Or you have to be like, you know what? I have to do all the parts of this. I'm the CEO. You have to. Or if you don't want to, you can just be like, well, you know, I just worry about the being funny part. And that's obviously the main product. But if you're going to just be lazy about it, then you don't get to complain. Yeah. Because I remember friends being like,

you know, like really funny guys, really funny. And being like, Hey, like, I think I, I think I'm going to start like submitting to the,

the comedy central and the conan and stuff like that stuff that you did like five years ago and i'm like yeah yeah and they're like they're like yeah i just you just start paying attention to your career yeah these they're like yeah i just you know i'm like hey all you do like you you're ready you've been ready like you just you have to act i know but what about the fact that most comics are inherently lazy do you ever get worried you have so much you have so many plates spinning

You got a book, you got a podcast studio, you got the road, you got family, you got kids, wife. Yeah. How do you do it? Are you terrified? I think part of it is you just don't stop. You just keep going. You just keep going. Yeah. Are you exhausted? Yeah. Yeah.

I can't imagine because, I mean, we're beat and we don't have families. And we drink. And we drink, yeah. But we're going to have to cut back. The way that I did this tour is not the way to do it. Why is that? Because I just signed up for way, way too much. Like, I signed up. Usually, like, we had, like, a rule which was, like, two weeks a month, you can do whatever the fuck you want to me. And this thing just – it was one of those things where it just, you know, like – Keeps coming. Keeps building. And it was built, like –

way before it started. So it was like down the line. And then you got to it and you're like, what the fuck is this? And then I've gotten through, you know, we were all like just eyeing June. We're like, this will be like... But then, you know, I was looking, I was like, July's insane. August, I have a little break. And then, yeah, I mean, once I get to December, I chill for the month of December. Okay. But then next year, the first...

Four months are all international stuff. Thank God. I think they just lifted the you need a test to get back in the country. For whatever reason, that just stressed the shit out of me. When I was in Canada, the second Gary Vee and I landed, we had to get a COVID test because we were there for one night. And I was like, I fucking hate this. I know. I fucking hate this. Silly. Yeah, Mexico. I went to Mexico. They do it?

What? Well, it's America. Oh, getting back in. I was like, Mexico, when do they start giving a fuck? You can bring kids home and shit, you know? They don't need a Pazakova test if they come here illegally. All right, that's the Mexico I know. Yeah, and I feel like if you were positive, they're like, do you want to do it again? Yeah, sure. All right. But even like you're doing Colbert tonight, does it stress you out? Just like, fuck, I got to take another test.

Just a false positive. You know, I didn't even remember. And then I got a text this morning, like right before I got in the car to come here. And they're like, hey, there's a nurse at your door. I was like, what?

Oh, fuck. And then the nurse came in, did a COVID test. Wow. That was a sex. She was good. All right. Oh, yeah, dude. Sexy. Light skin. Yeah, that's cool. Hey, nothing wrong with that. Yeah, dude. Oh, shit. I had a question. Hold on about the goddamn work piling up. And now I love... Oh, my thing is whenever work is like crazy, you know, when you look at your calendar, you're like 10 a.m. phoner, noon podcast, three o'clock, whatever. And then you have four shows a night, then a flight, then this and that. I'm like...

It will end. That's what I always tell myself. Like this will, this is hell and it's terrifying, but it will stop at some point. Yeah. I mean, it sounds like, you know, real Zen cliche shit, but you really do have to go like, here's what I'm doing. Like in this moment. Yes. And today. It's true. Yeah. You just have to, I do that all the time. Like when we got to this special last week, I was like, I'm taping seven shows. I'm a fucking idiot. It's daunting. I'm just looking at like Saturday late show. The second I get off.

I'm like, I'm going to get drunk. It's going to be easy. I can't wait. And then, of course, you don't think about like, oh, yeah, I'm traveling the next day. I feel fucking horrible. Deal with that when it comes. But I do think of like you've got to just look at the end. I mean, you're so busy. You've got your mom's house. You've got two bears. And then are you ever kind of like, I want time to write my fucking act? Because we got into this to be stand-ups. Yeah. And there's no time to write, right? I mean, luckily, the –

you know, once you're like touring, obviously for a bit, your hour gets into like, you're like, all right, this is like a shaped hour. Yeah. So it's like that right now where I'll go, I'll perform it all week, but I'll fly home and then we'll record podcasts all day, Monday, all day, Tuesday. And then I'll leave Wednesday. Yeah. So it's like, it is the entire fucking thing. The other thing that's like, I've never done really before on tour is that,

Like, we have a huge, like, workout thing on the road. Oh, Jesus Christ. Because I think it's the only way that I would survive this tour. Yeah. Like, if I was, like, 10 years ago me, it would have just been, like, let's sleep all day. Yeah. And then eat in bed. Right. And then probably die on the tour. But, no, we wake up. The farewell tour, Tom Segura. Oh, man. We wake up. We, uh...

Sorry. Just made it real, dude. What the hell? Yeah, I got a problem. Supposed to make it real? Yeah, I had one sip. Oh, shit. He's drunk. It's falling apart. It's fucking hammered. It's his favorite comic. Big Ralphie fan? Yeah. Now we wake up and we lift.

Like in the morning. What? Yeah. And then we do cardio before the shows. Oh, my God. We do like two of those. Two workouts in one day. Yeah, yeah. And who's doing this with you? I bring a trainer on the road. Wow. That's the move. It's funny to think I'll add more work and that'll make me feel better. You know what? You do energy, right? It 100% works.

Interesting. Because like, and don't forget that I'm doing like most of these weeks, I'm in a new city every day. Exactly. So like we'll go like, you know, it's like Baltimore. Next thing we're in Cleveland. It's like, you know what?

Are you up? Yeah. It's like, let's just go now. Yeah. You get up, you work out and then you're like, man, like you, you get all those fucking endorphins pump. And then we're like, now we go eat like a healthy breakfast. Then we have a window at time. It also makes like the time go. And then, you know, I got a zoom, I got to do this. And then it's like, Hey, it's four. Let's go do cardio. And then it's like, Hey, let's go to do the shows. And then you sleep better too. I bet. I mean, that's, that's,

I would hate opening for you. I mean, this sounds like a nightmare. Because are there mornings where you're like, I just can't. I can't do it. Yeah, kind of. But you know, some of those mornings, you get like, what are you fucking made of? Are you a pussy? So it's like... That's your trainer? Yeah. Respect. Shout out to Sean Nix. And then... I love that Bert and you... Like, Bert is getting shit-faced through the night. Yeah, you go with him. You do that. Except you don't look like him. But you fucking... But I...

do it, but he doesn't do the workout shit like that. No, no, I know. He's playing frisbee golf. Yeah, he's funny. He's like, I'm going to completely change my life. And I'm like, okay. And then he'll be like, look what I did today. And it'll be like, I ran four miles. He'll do like a crazy, crazy workout. And I'm like, dude, this is awesome. Congrats. And then I see him post a story. He's like, third bottle of wine, and it's delicious. I'm like, dude, you can't fucking do all that and have three bottles of wine? Yeah.

out of your mind he'll post a clip be like that's cardio i held the phone up you know that's a few calories you're like that's not working out but he does i will say we did europe together and i'd wake up at noon and he was on the elliptical isn't it crazy what are you doing you have a bud light and the cup holder of the elliptical it was insane it's insane yeah crazy he really is a machine it's impressive uh you still party hard like every night on the road or no not every night but uh i

I get one big night in on a Thursday, Friday, Saturday weekend. Friday is usually the big one. The big night out. But it's getting older. On this fully loaded thing, you're definitely going to throw it out. I know. And then Diaz is there and Big J. Diaz is going to give you guys all fucking stars. I can't fuck with that shit. Dude. I'm going to fake eat it. You know what he'll do? He'll be like, what are you, a fucking Momo? And then he'll be like, you're not going to do it? Fucking...

Yeah. It's like a little chick in a skirt. And then he'll cut a corner off, eat that. Okay. And you'll be like, all right. And then an hour later, you'll be like. Ew. Ew.

Have you done that with him? Yeah, dude. I can't do that shit. I freak out. So I did his podcast. This is like, I don't know how many, like seven, eight years ago. And he's like, eat one of these. I'm like, no. He's like, why not? I'm like, because it's fucking 800 milligrams, dude. So he cuts a corner off. Like I'm telling you, he's like, eat that.

And I'm like, all right. Like this literally, it's like you could put it between these two little things. You know, it tastes like you're eating a crumb of a cookie or something. So I'm like, this is fine. I sit there. We do the podcast like this. By the end of it, I'm like, ah. And I don't realize how fucked up I am, right? I'm like, all right. Good to see you, man. I go downstairs. I have my car out front.

I get on, I put on the directions and it's like, make a right onto the freeway. And I drive straight and I was like, oh shit. It was like, it was right there. I'm like, fuck. Oh yeah.

So I go, all right, I'll turn around. So I turn around and now it says make a left on the freeway. I drive past it again. I'm like, motherfucker. Oh boy. So then I turn around again. And as I'm pulling up to that entrance, I'm just, I mean, I'm not doing anything wrong, but I looked my left and it's LAPD and I'm like, like I'm just like panicked, you know? So I, instead of turning on the freeway, I'm like, don't get on the freeway. You're too fucked up. I just go straight. I pull onto Ventura, which is like the big street in the, in the valley.

I pull into a Ralph's parking lot and I just put the car in park and I'm like, fuck. And I just turn my head to the right and in the car next to me looking at me like this is dice. No way. Yes. I swear to God. And I'm like, and I feel like, you know, I'm tripping right now. Yeah. Yeah. Out of my mind.

And I'm like, there's no way I can drive, right? There's no fucking way I can drive. So I call an Uber and the... You left your car? Yeah, I left my car at the Ralph's. Wow. And I'm so fucked up that like, first of all, the Uber driver is a woman, which is pretty, like kind of rare, I guess. Uh-huh.

And I'm like, I'm cool. Don't worry. And she's like, what? And I'm like, yeah, there's no way I could do this right now. I keep telling her. I'm like, there's no way I could do this. She's like, okay. And I'm like, because I'm like super fucked up. And she's like, great. And I just keep repeating it to her. I'm like, yeah, you know, I was like, just all the turns you made, there's no way I could handle this. She's like...

All right, man. Meanwhile, Diaz is doing his taxes. He's not even phased at all. He's fine. And he also ate like three. Oh. Yeah. And what he would do is he would, you know, the funny thing, he would do the podcast. He would talk at you for like 70 minutes straight. And then I was robbing this guy. And then you're like, cut.

Literally, I got so many messages. Don't take the drugs. I got all those messages. Just don't take the drugs. I was like, all right, all right. He talks so much. And you actually feel like you're at a show or something, right? You're listening to him. And then you're so kind of mesmerized by all the wild shit he's saying. And then he's like, what's going on with you? And you're like, after that? And then I'm like, I don't know. I just have a book out. And then you look at him. He's like.

Oh, yeah. He's like zonked. You know what's crazy? You're doing Colbert. It's like we're sending a COVID nurse. We're going to take care of you. You do Joey's podcast. You're going to get drugged. More people might listen to this. Oh, yeah. Crazy. Good point. That's crazy to me. This guy's kidnapped a person. He has an Uzi. Yeah. This guy pled down from armed kidnapping. Wow. Armed kidnapping. That's a credit. He was supposed to do 25 years? Damn. Wow. Yeah.

How do you get out of it? The lawyers, they got a plea offer. He gave him a crumb. If he pled guilty to a lesser charge, and he took it. Wow. It's funny what we get in trouble for. People are like, he said this on a podcast. You're like, well, he also put a person in a trunk. You're like, ah, that's fine. He had an Uzi with him. This is not the same levels we're going. This is not, yeah. You could be mad about that. Right.

That's a comedy special. Diaz buying an Uzi. That I'd like to see in Jersey somewhere. That is crazy that you were...

I mean, that scares me on these pods, like the drugs. And then you're just like, so this is just in the world now forever? This is recorded. Me fucked up? Oh, yeah. You got that right. Us having a drinking podcast, I just realized. I mean, Colin Quinn said it. He's like, you get in trouble where you say now, and all we do is talk into microphones for the world to hear. That's it.

It's weird. That's what Colin said. He goes, this is something like, could you get canceled? He goes, yeah, all you need is Wi-Fi. Yeah. Yes. That's the Colin. I mean, dude, I watched some of his new one-man show last night. Killer. Amazing. Yeah. Really? I mean, he's- What's the new topic or whatever? It's like- It's just, it's social commentary. It's just like the world. Like social media. Yeah, but it's, God, it's like- Canceling. He's so funny. It's like, he's such a smart guy. Yeah. I mean-

Yeah, I was just watching next to Liz at the cellar and we're just fucking laughing. It's like you forget how fun our job is sometimes. You're just like, oh, no, I'm doing a set. And you're like, oh, no, that's Colin Quinn. I'm going to go sit and watch. Hell yeah. I mean, that's the best part, you know? Totally. Yeah, it is the best part. I mean, I'm still a...

ultimately like just a huge comedy fan yeah that's why you get into doing stand-up yeah you just love watching it i forgot to tell you rock gave you a nice shout out on david spade's pod i don't know if you heard that i heard i heard that yeah pretty cool that was very cool yeah was he one of your dudes starting now like the biggest because it's a big part of it too is like your age right like how old are you uh 35 you're 35 and 38 38 like so i'm i just turned 43 and so when i was a

I guess I would have been a, I think a junior in high school, bring the pain came out. So you're like, I mean, imagine, you know, you're 17. Oh dude. And so it's like, that's a really like a, an age where you're like form, you know, you formed your sense of humor, but you're like, what is like, what is the thing? You know? And it's like, that comes out. You're like, Oh, that's the, that's it. Yeah. And then I'm a, what a sophomore or junior in, in,

in college and Bigger and Blacker comes out and we're like, what the fuck, man? Oh, yeah. I remember having the CD player and listening to, I think it was Roll With The New and I'm laughing my ass off and I probably didn't get half the jokes. I was a child but I was like, this is funny. I know this is funny and my mom grabs the headphones and puts it on. I just see this look of horror on her face. Which is what you want.

Which is what you want. Yeah. 30 seconds later, she keeps listening. I see her laughing so hard. I'm like, that's comedy. Yeah. That's fucking comedy. He like pushed her away and then pulled her back in. That's the genius of rock. Yeah. I was, I was, to say I was a fan is like a huge understanding. Was he like your number one guy, you think? Definitely. I mean, I was doing, I could show you.

I was doing a poor rock impression. Really? On stage. Unknowing. Like, you know, when you start, sometimes you don't know that you're doing something. Sure. Tom Segru is white and black mall. Yeah. And I'm skinny in it. You should see it. Oh, really? I'm like 180. Pull it up. It's not up. Oh, yeah. We'll find that. I have it, though. Oh. I have it. But I'm like pacing the stage. Yeah. And I got the free hand and I'm like punching with this hand. Yeah.

And like, and I, and then people, no, people would be like, I remember someone would be like, you're very urban. And I was like, what? And I mean, this is like one year in, you know? And I'm like, I don't realize that I'm just imitating a cadence that I worship. Right. Of course. You can't help it. You can't help. And then now like I've run into him a few times and I'm absolutely like a child, you know? Same. He goes, uh.

He goes, hey, like all your stuff, I always watch all your specials. You got great stuff. And I was like, I watch your stuff too. Yeah. Yeah. I told this story before, but he directed a special I opened for, just opened. Yeah. I had a rough one. And he never talked to me, never spoke to me. He's one of those kind of standoffish guys, but-

Had a rough set on one of the shows and he came up to me and he goes, and I was like, oh my God, he's coming to talk to me. And he goes, you got to pick it up. And I was like, okay. And luckily the second set was better, but I wanted to kill myself for like an hour. Damn.

And he was right, but hearing that guy say that fucking stung. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's one of those things you never forget those things. Oh, never, never. That's like a nightmare you have. Yes. That's like a nightmare where you're like, Chris Rock is like, you're not doing well enough. I know. That's a fucking nightmare. I had a... I fucking... It's not the same thing, but I...

Did a show where the director, P.T. Anderson, you know, he did like Magnolia. Oh, yeah. Paul Thomas. Oh, yeah. So they're like, oh, he's here. Dude, Philip Baker Hall just died, by the way. He did? He just died at 90 years old. Bookman. Bookman, Boogie Nights, Magnolia. Amazing. Funny as hell in everything. Hell of an actor. So good. Like that voice. Yeah. Those eyes. Yeah. I didn't mean to cut you off. No, no. Paul Thomas Anderson.

We Might Be Drunk is thrilled to welcome our new sponsor, Fanimal. I love live events. I hate buying tickets. The hidden fees suck. And coordinating with your friends is a nightmare. They're garbage. I always end up fronting a bunch of money and chasing down my friends to get reimbursed. Not me personally, because I'm very generous. But if they flake, I'm stuck with the whole bill.

And then I discovered Fannable. Fannable has tickets to everything. There's no fees. The price you see is the price you pay. I mean, that's pretty big, honestly. Not only are those prices transparent, but they're almost always lower than anywhere else I look. And for any hot ticket like Coachella, a Laker game, or Dave Chappelle, Fannable is always the cheapest option. Nobody goes to live events anymore, so why buy tickets alone? Fannable, although if you do come to a show alone, there's nothing wrong with that, honestly. I love that.

Someone tweeted me about that the other day. They're like, I want to, is it weird? My friends bail. Is it weird if I come alone? I said, no, dude, enjoy yourself. And you know what? The guy made new friends at the show. I sat with these guys and they were tweeting me too. So you end up having a great time no matter what. Um,

I called you March.

March, March, Normand. Tell them how to do it. Oh, yeah. And Fanimal has amazing customer service. Don't take my word for it. Check out their hundreds of five star reviews. The next time you need tickets, go to Fanimal.com and sign up with code DRUNK.

For 20% of credit, $20 of credit towards your first purchase, we drink on this show. Check out Fanimal and experience more. Support the show and get $20 off your first purchase with the code DRUNK at fanimal.com. F-A-N-I-M-A-L.com. Get on it! Hey, hey, We Might Be Drunk is brought to you by Sheath Underwear. I won't even look. I bet I'm wearing them right now.

There they are, folks. I'm not. I'm not today, but I usually am. He usually is. I can vouch. I've seen his asshole. The official two-pouch underwear of comedy fans everywhere. Sheet underwear has been cradling nuts and schlong since 2013. Who wrote this? My aunt? Ha ha ha ha.

We love them. You'll love them. They got it for men, women. It's the best. They're soft. They're sexy. They're slick. They're sleek. You got the balls and the nuts separated. Finally, they need some meat time. Plus, it's invented by an army soldier and comedy superfan, Robert Patton. He knew there had to be a better way to unstuck the junk inside.

And sheath was born. Futuristic dick pouch aside, this underwear is comfy, cool, and comes in so many different patterns. You can have a sheath pair ready for any occasion. And they didn't leave out your lady drunks either. The comfort you guys know for your balls, sheath has applied to boobs with the sports bras. Tell them how to do it, Fetty. Tell them we're drinking. I might need one of them. Ha!

Go to sheathunderwear.com and order with promo code DRUNK to get 20% off your first order and sheath 100% money back guarantee. That's sheathunderwear.com, promo code DRUNK. Get sheath underwear and let them support your ball bag. Yeah, what more do you need? Wearing them right now.

Hey, We Might Be Drunk is brought to you by Fume. Fume is the safe way to quit smoking handcrafted. Fume's 100% Canadian maple inhaler is made to comfortably replace the hand-to-mouth habit. Simply insert one of their non-addictive flavored cores. Cores come in dozens of flavors like peppermint or lemon berry bliss. I got one of these things. It feels good to hold. It's a cool looking little wooden contraption and you

And you just want to hit it all day. And this thing works and it smells great. It's aromatherapy and an inhaler. There's no smoke, no vape, no nicotine to worry about. Even if you're not trying to quit smoking, fumes, cores can help with relaxation, energy, and more. It just feels good to put that puppy in the mouth and give it a suck. Give it a whirl, folks. Tell them how, Fetty. It's like a kid on a flight to Orlando. You want to hit it all day.

Yeah. Whether you're a smoker or an ex-smoker who still struggles with cravings, fume is the perfect tool for you. It's time to create positive habits and quit naturally with fume. And we're here to make it easier. Right now, if you head to breathefume.com slash drunk and use promo code drunk, you're going to save 10% off your entire order. You're going to save on the cigarettes you aren't buying.

And save on your initial purchase of Fume. That's 10% off your entire order when you head to breathefume.com slash drunk. That's B-R-E-A-T-H-E-F-U-M dot com slash drunk. And use code drunk. But I'm at the show and they're like, Paul Thomas Anderson is here with Maya Rudolph. And I was like, no way. And I go out there and fucking...

I tell a joke that a woman stands up and goes, you should leave. And it's just, you know, I mean, it's just silent. And then I go, why don't you fucking leave? And I go, I get like, you know, that natural fuck off thing. But, you know, to say that the set went off the rails is like kind of an understatement. Yeah. Like it was just like, and then.

I was like, where's P.T.? And they're like, I think he's still out there. Oh, damn, man. That is... Because in your head, you're like, there's going to be another ensemble drama. I'm going to be the new John C. Reilly or whoever, Wahlberg, whoever they cast. Exactly. Dude, it...

I remember once in that club, Rooster Teat Feathers. I'm doing... Huge, won't go back to. Really? I didn't mind that one. I'll tell you. Oh, I can't wait. Well, mine is quick. I mean, what you said reminded me of I was doing a bit that was like, I guess turned out to be a somewhat...

provocative joke, like only joke I've ever gotten death threats for, but like I was working it out there. So it was even worse. I was drunk at the time. Yeah. And then I remember in the middle of the bit, a woman stands up. It's the alligator joke. And a woman stands up.

And she goes, you fucking stink. And everyone is frozen. And she just walks out, slams the door. And then a woman goes, I think you're doing great. And that fucking hurt worse. That hurt worse. That hurt worse. I was like, that's pity. Yeah, pity. Hate me rather than pity. Oh, yeah. Yeah, pity. I remember one time...

small audience and a lady there was like a table at 12 and that was like 85% of the audience and I'm like just like two minutes in where you're like you know gauging things feeling things out just kind of like throwing things out she goes come on

And I go, what's that? And she was like, come on. He's helping you out. Like a toddler. Yeah. She was like, you got it. Yeah. Wow. That's condescending as hell. Oh my God. I've never heard of that one. That's another level. I fucking snapped. Yeah. And then they leave. And then the next day the owner's like, did you?

call a lady a cunt? And like, I go, I don't think it went like that. She's like, that was the whole show. That was them. They were the show. I was like, nah, it didn't go like that. Right. I had to like, describe the situation. There's always more to it. We're not just going, hey cunt, hey bitch, hey. Of course. Get at it.

No, but if you don't, I've always said, if you don't have at least like a meltdown on stage every once in a while, at least in the early years, you're not doing enough sets. Like you should be melting down at some point. Yeah. Like somebody who doesn't have a horrific bombing story. I'm like, well, you haven't done that much standup. Right. Right. And also like it fucking every once in a while you get a bomb where you're like, oh, I feel like I stink of fish for like a week. Oh yeah.

You feel like you're just like, wow, that was fucking insane. You can't shake it. Yeah. I remember a few at Village Lantern or those rooms in West Village where I was like, oh, wow, this is... Brutal. I remember I tried to fight a dude. I'm like, I can't fight. That's how far he pushed me. I was like, you and me outside. He was like, oh, no. I just looked insane. He ruined my set. It was like six people in there. He's heckling me. I'm like...

I can't knock out a heckler when I'm bombing for six people. Right. I just have to take an L. Well, those sets, they tap into other things in you, like childhood and how much you hate yourself and self-loathing. And then it all comes out. It all comes out. Yeah, it all comes out. What happened at Rooster Teeth Feathers?

It was that it was an exchange with, like, it was one of those, like, you know, I don't know, five or six show weekends. Sunday, they're like, we don't know if we should have the show because there's, like, 11 people here. Oh, boy. And I was like, all right, I mean, you tell me, right? And then they're like, we're having it. So I'm like, okay. And I got into some exchange with, like, a lady, but...

It was one of the things where the waitress reported it, but she misreported the exchange. She did one version of the exchange. I was like, "No." So the email was from the owner.

And she was like, I heard, you know, you said like, I go, look, it started like, and I start telling her, she's like, my waitress said that you said this. And I'm like, you're, you're hearing half of the story. And then she wrote like, I thought, and then she wrote in all caps, a headliner would know how to work like, like a show like this or whatever. So I forwarded my time to my agent and he was like, just don't respond.

And I'm like, really? Like, this feels like the thing to respond to. He's like, no, no, no. I go, okay, well, I will never go there again. I've thought about doing it. She didn't respond.

Well, we had a back and forth for a while. But when she then started to throw that in there, I was like... I go, you're literally telling one side of this thing. And I go... And you're not siding with the fucking comic who's playing the venue. Also, I'm like, the audience was on my side. I was trying to tell her how your server...

Was it 11 people in the crowd? Yeah. It was like, and like the brutal, by the way, to end a weekend on, it's the worst, but I'm like the, the cheering was for me on what I was saying to this person. And she was just like, I heard that you berated somebody. And I'm like, no, that's what I go up and do is berate people. That's my act. Did you ever record it? At least.

Dude, it was so long ago. I mean, I don't remember. I really don't remember. It was so, so long ago. Damn. Not a great sign for a club when they just immediately assume that the liner sucks and he's a dick. And you're like, what are you doing here? It was so long ago, yeah. Damn. Yeah, I remember that happened to me once at Comic Strip, which was like my home club starting out. But...

these seven dudes were shit-faced we go on at the end of the night late night and these dudes were just fucking with me like just a bunch of bros being like we're gonna beat the shit out of you and i was just like i mean jesus christ i was like you fucking piece of this shit we're just going back at each other and then someone runs back to get like get a bouncer in here he's gonna get the shit kicked out of him yeah there's seven of them and the bouncer was like they said they didn't do anything i was like you're signing with these dudes they said they didn't do anything

That's hilarious. You're taking their word for it? Did you ever work the Cleveland Improv? Never. No, I do hilarities always. That's fucking great. One of my top five clubs to me. I love Nick. I love Sam. Nick's the best. Dude, it's the best club. Cleveland Improv can be rough. Is that urban? Yeah, primarily. You were doing your one rock there. Yeah, I was doing my rock there. But I remember I was in the back of the showroom. Yeah. And...

The feature's on stage, and there's a table, because the room has a weird layout, but there's a table near the back of a big table, like 12, and they're having a full conversation, full, just like, yeah, well, afterwards, just like that. And it's during the show. So I stand next to the wall, one of the security guys, I go, hey, and I point to the table, address that. And he goes, what do you want me to say? I go, stop talking. And he's like...

I don't want to do that. Like he's just like scared. Yeah. I mean, that's one of those clubs where they have a police officer in the, like at the bar, fixed. Jesus. Like he's there every show. Saw a guy get arrested there. Wow. Because he didn't want to pay for the, it said one pound of wings.

On the menu, he goes, that wasn't a pound. He's like, I know a pound of weight. And they're like, it's the fucking pre-frozen weight. Yes. He's like, nah. And so they're like, look, man, it's 12 bucks. And he's like, I'm not paying for that. And so they bring him into the showroom. It's like my weekend. And they bring him into the lobby area. And the cop goes, he tells me the story. He goes, I told him, you can either pay for this or I have to arrest you. And he just goes.

Whoa. Wow. Got arrested. What? He's like, the principle is that this is not a pound of wings. I almost respect that, dude. I know. That's crazy. I was at the Dayton Funny Bones years ago. I had an opener black guy, and this one guy was in the crowd heckling, whatever, and then he wouldn't pay the bill. He was like, you guys gave me free tickets, so I thought the whole thing was free. I thought the beer was free, the booze, the food was free. Yeah.

Also, we got your Uber home, too. Yeah, exactly. I'll get your rent and your mortgage. It's a good business practice. Yeah, he's like, you said free show. That's a free show. I got food, drinks. And they were like, sir, come on. We're going to have to call the police. And he's like, call them, call them. And it was getting weird. And the opener paid. And I was like, why are you paying for this guy? He's like, black guilt.

Because it was a black guy, he was a black guy, and he felt weird. And that was the first time I heard black guilt. Wow. Interesting. Yeah, that's... That's weird. Yeah. Very strange. Shout out to that guy. I thought it was going to be like, I just don't want the show to get derailed. No. That's crazy. No, this is after the show. It's just us sitting there with that guy. Like, I'm not leaving. Call the cops. Dude, that was... I mean, some of those clubs... I remember Hyenas. It was a club in Texas, and they just...

They basically banned me because they weren't – the show would start like an hour and a half late. And I was just – I was like, you guys can't start the show an hour and a half late. Like it was like a 10.30 show starting at like 11.40. And I was like, I'm going on at 12.20. Crazy. You know? So I was kind of like, you guys got to not do that. And then I would just go up there and I would trash the club on stage. And then the guy emailed my agent and was like, if you don't drop him, I'll never book one of your clients again. Woo!

And she didn't have my back enough. Right. She should have had my back more. She was kind of like, you need to apologize. I was like, he needs to apologize. You know, he said, like, they would do, like, a blowjob shot before they'd bring you on stage. Yeah. It made me crazy. Ah, the worst. Because they... I guess it would... Yeah, whatever. No, I know exactly, because I...

I told him, I go, you have to stop doing that. And they go... The manager was like... He goes, hey, can I... Why are you saying... I go, you're derailing... First of all, it's a circus act. And I go, I have the feature who just killed. Right. And you're just ruining the momentum of this show. By this. And I'm like, this is horrible. And he goes...

I'll never forget this. He goes, you're the only person I've ever heard complain about this. Not true. I go, no. Because Rachel Feinstein called me complaining about it. I call a complaint. Well, I told him, I go, I might be the only person that has ever said it to your face. I go, but this is horrible. And then he's like, well, the thing is, the people who do that paid like 50 bucks to do it. So it covers my MC for the week. And I'm like, whoa.

I'll give you the 50 yeah like I don't also just pay your fucking comment yeah not based on a freak show yeah yeah dude I remember they were oh that drove me crazy and uh and I was making jokes about it on stage and he goes this is a family business I was like you're doing a blowjob shot ah yeah nightmare family business yeah what does that matter

So was, you know, Epstein. I guess not. That's true. That was no family at all. We had those brothers. There you go. Family business. The Duggar. Yeah. What about that guy? I don't know. Was that something? I don't know. Duggar? Yeah, yeah. He had eight kids, right? Yeah. That's family. All right. What time's Colbert? I don't know. They're not picking you up? Yeah, they're picking me up. I don't remember exactly. Do you rock a suit on there or no?

I brought options. I have a suit, but I have like a casual attire option too. I'll just feel it out. It feels weird doing comedy in a suit. It does. And then I feel like I'm like, ah, you know, I feel like wearing more like what we wear or like what you have in the photo there. It just feels more like, all right, I feel like being funny like this. Yes. Right? Like in a suit, you kind of feel like.

I'm like a banker or something, you know? Yeah. Whenever I do one of those late nights, I always have to know who else is on. That's so exciting to me. Do you know who else you're on with? Yeah. It's the 40th anniversary of the Watergate stories. Woodward and Bernstein? Yeah. What? Yeah. That's pretty cool. That's pretty cool. They're fucking amazing. Yeah. Yeah. So two amazing writers. Excuse me, three now because them and me, I have a new book. There we go. Wasn't one of them married to Nora Ephron? That I don't know. Whoa. I think one of them was married to...

That's pretty cool. She's a beast. Yeah. Yeah. So that'll be, we'll see. How old are those guys now? They gotta be up there. Gotta be late 70s, 80s. There you go. Carl Bernstein. Look at that. Wow. Second husband. The one who Dustin Hoffman played. Oh, really? All the President's Men. Whoa.

That's exciting, man. That's a cool... You gotta get a story with them. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Any memories of a late night show where you're on with a really cool guest who you chat with? I mean... I'm trying to remember. I saw Brad Pitt was at your show recently. That's pretty crazy. Oh, yeah. What was that about? That was rad. Is that insane? He's the coolest. That is insane. It's Brad Pitt. It's the fucking craziest. We're not the type to get Star Trek, but it's fucking Brad Pitt. It is wild when they go...

My tour manager, he leans into the dressing room and he goes, hey, Brad's here. And I was like, all right. Because I knew it was happening, you know? And I'm like, and then he comes in, he's like, hey. Oh, my God. Jesus. And he's like, dude, I'm a big fan and all this. And I'm like, yeah. He goes, so this is what you do? Because there was like a Laker game on and he's like, you just listen to music and watch basketball? I'm like, yeah.

Yeah. You sound like the best person to do the road with. Yeah. I was like, he goes... Until that trainer comes in. No, I want that. That sounds fucking awesome. But that'd be great if Brad walked in and you're like, can you give me a minute? Oh, no. Not now. You know what's funny? He goes... So he's hanging out for a few minutes and he goes, well, do you need to prepare? And I go, I'm prepared. He's like, oh, okay. And then we just like...

They go, all right. I go, I'm going to go announce the opening. This was cool, too, as just a fan of the arts, I guess, is that I go, I'm going to introduce the opening act, which is Ryan Sickler that night. And he goes, oh, cool. He goes, I want to watch. He didn't go, I'll just wait here. He's like, I want to watch the whole show. So I introduced Ryan, and they took him to his seat. And it was great because it's...

It was February, so a lot of people still lie to masks. So I was like, can you go anywhere? You're fucking Brad Pitt. And he goes, check this out. So his hair is tucked into a bucket hat. And he's got a jacket on. And then he has an oversized mask. So he goes like this. And you literally see that. And you're like, oh, yeah. Oh.

I don't know who the fuck that is. And Cypher goes, looks like Chad Pitt to me. I was like, but yeah, it was like, yeah. They must have like low-key kind of liked the pandemic. Some people that famous. That famous? Yeah. You know, I was, you ever have masks on and someone's like, hey, Mark. Yeah. And you're like, you feel like it's weird. But then I was at a coffee place in LA and everyone had masks on. I turn, I'm like, oh, it's Ben Affleck.

Wow. Because immediately, too. Oh, with my eyebrows? He's masked on. They're going to know. They're going to know. Yeah. Three things I love about Brad Pitt. One, I saw him get interviewed, and they said, what do you like? He goes, one of my favorite things is Monty Python. I was like, wow, that's crazy. Yeah. Two, when he did the fucking Jim Jeffery show, he was the weatherman. That was great. And then the coolest, the third thing, I was watching Jackass in high school, and

And they push a guy in like a chicken suit or something in a shopping cart and he slams into a wall and the thing flips over and the head pops off. It's Brad Pitt. Crazy. I was like, this is the coolest guy of all time. You heard him on Marin's podcast. He's just like, he's like, he's like, oh, I love Marin on IFC. You're like, this is fucking awesome. Yeah. Yeah. And then like, you know, you see like those dudes like I was at,

I can't help but re-watch the South Park movie all the time. It's my favorite movie ever, probably. Team America or Uncut? Uncut. Oh, yeah. I love Team America, too, but Uncut is my favorite thing. The fact that they fucking stuck the landing on a musical is the dumbest thing. That brilliant. But then you're just like, oh, George Clooney's just in this movie. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's so fucking hilarious. And then he's the reason that South Park is even in existence. Wait, what? I heard that. Yeah, he passed their tape around to everyone. Clooney? Clooney.

Clooney, this is like 1997. He got the tape of it and was like, he gave it to the Viacom people. What? Yeah. I didn't know that. Comedy Central people. Yeah, like a Christmas tape or something, right? Yeah. Yeah, it's crazy. Yeah, he's the reason. So they've always had like a connection. Wow. How do you like that? I thought I couldn't like Clooney more. And he has a tequila. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, dude. I heard this. I don't know if this is true, but when you did your first Netflix special, it was when Comedy Central was still kind of big. And were you did Comedy Central say no to you? And you were like, yeah, is that true? Yeah, I have I have like a whole chapter about it in the in the book. But about the like, yeah, it's all about like road stuff and about like how I don't know, things happen. And I'm like, I remember that.

I had done Live at Gotham, which was like a 10-minute set. Yeah, that was big. Then I did Comedy Central Presents, which was like, you felt like this is how to do it. Yeah. Because that's what we grew up on. That's what we grew up on. Dane Cook. Dane Cook. All those guys. And so I'm like, all right, I did that. And then this is a few years later now. So I'm like, I'm ready to do this hour.

So we shoot. Oh, well, I go, I want them to go. They want to come see it. So I do this thing. I do flappers in Burbank. Oh, quit bragging. But it's a nice, like, small room. It's a solid room. I get it filled up because with the podcast at the time, I just have enough juice to go, like, if you want to come to this, I'll give you, like, I want it to be fans and, like, free tickets. I'm not trying to sell them. Yeah. And it's packed. And, like, I go up there. I run the hour. It goes great.

So I'm like, hey, this is a bunch of people out or just Comedy Central people? Just Comedy Central, like three Comedy Central executives come to the show. And then, you know, I talked to my manager like,

Couple days later, I'm like, what's the word? And they're like, yeah, they're like... They thought it was good. I'm like, okay. I know this call. But like, you know, they didn't want to... I'm like, all right. So then I get a deal to shoot it on spec at the time. So like, we'll shoot it and then shop it. So again...

We send it to them. Like now it's like here it's, it's shot now, you know? So like, yeah. And they, and it's a little demoralizing this fucking tap dance you have to do. Oh, of course. Yeah, very much so. And then the craziest part was like, oh, well the feedback was what's the theme?

Funny. Funny is the theme. It's jokes. It's a bunch of jokes. Yeah. And then I go, I started to go, well, what's the theme? When I started to name people, I'm like, what are those themes? Exactly. And then he's like, yeah. I mean, it was just, he was just like, look, I mean, it's just no. Yeah. And then he was like, you know.

I go, you sent it to HBO? Like, I couldn't believe that people at the time. At the time, that was a crazy thing to do. I was like, why would you send it to HBO? That's like Carlin. Right. And then he's like, well, yeah. And then, you know, we sent it here, sent it there. And he goes, Netflix said they would acquire it. And I was like, oh, that sucks. Because at the time, it was kind of like, Netflix? Really? The DVD mail thing? And I remember he's like, well, Burr said it's like really doing something for him. And I was like, all right, cool.

Like, it was really like, I pulled over and I was like, so is it going to be on Netflix? He's like, it's going to be on Netflix. Wow. And I was like, all right. That was 2013. Holy shit. And that really, I mean, that changed everything, right? Yeah. I mean, it came out in 2014. I would say, I remember a few years

It came out in March of 2014. And in June, I did the Cleveland Improv. And I remember at the end of the week, the guy, Lee, who runs it, he goes, I don't know why, but you hit bonuses. I cannot figure it out. And I'm like, all right. Also, people paid for their wings this time. Wings. A whole pound. And then by the end of that year, I was selling out clubs.

And then by the next year, we were doing like kind of like rock clubs and stuff. Right. Yeah. Wow. And also you I heard you blew up on Pandora, too, because you have albums in heavy rotation. I mean, that's how I discovered you is I would I would listen to your albums and I was like, oh, shit, this is like this is a this is a cool way to discover comedians. It was kind of like it opened the door. You were an old school comic where like you talk about the influence of a tale and those guys are like.

You were like one of the last guys I feel like I discovered from albums. I think you're right because I used to go – then you would make assumptions. So people would come like I'd have a –

you know, a sold out club or something. And I would still be like selling my CD or whatever afterwards. So you meet people. Meet people leaving. And I would always go like Netflix, Netflix. And like a whole bunch of people would be like Pandora. Oh, interesting. Isn't that crazy? Yes. I did Hattiesburg, Mississippi. This is probably 2016. Yeah, I've done that. Yeah. And I was like, you know, half full. And I was like, hey, Hattiesburg, half full. I'm coming up in the world. And they were like, well, Segura was here last week. He sold out two shows. I'm like, who? Who?

It wasn't a who, but it was like, really? I didn't know you were that big to sell out Hattiesburg. Yeah. You know, that was like a drive, not a far drive from New Orleans. So that was a big deal. I was like, wow, this guy is coming up if he can sell here. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's the thing. Like now with like this tour that I'm on, we really, you know, I,

I call it the I'm Coming Everywhere World Tour. And we do, like, we've done so... I mean, I've done, on this tour so far, over 200 shows. Jesus Christ. And, like, you know, I don't know how many cities, but it's a lot of cities. And I've done cities I've never done before. Yeah. And you're just, like, you know... Any pleasant surprises where you're like, oh, this is, like, a cool city? Dude, honestly...

A bunch, but it's always related to the show. You know what I mean? Because we don't really do that much city exploring. That's true. Because you're in and out. You're just in and out, but you're like, I wonder how the show will be tonight. And you know you're in Greenville or Evansville. And you're like, I don't know. And then you have this kind of rock star show. You're like, holy fucking shit. But I also feel like...

I mean, I'm sure you experience the same that like when you go to the smaller markets, sometimes they're like so appreciative of the show. Thank you for coming here. Yeah. Or like, you know, New York, they're like, yeah, of course you're doing a show here. Right. This is New York. Right. L.A. Forget about it. Yeah. But sometimes those smaller cities, like as you said, to work out, you're like...

They're the best because they're forgiving. Yeah. And they're like a bigger city. There's almost a sense of entitlement sometimes. Like, bring it. Yeah. And you live in New York, you might know eight hilarious dudes. I feel like if you live in Evansville, there's like one funny guy in the town. In New York, they're like, yeah, we came here over Hamilton. You better fucking bring it. Yes. Yeah. Chappelle's in town. Iraq's in town. And I'm coming to see you. And everyone in this town.

city is like fun like the guy working the like the fucking door is funny exactly the bagel guy is funny yeah exactly there's a funny energy about new york oh yeah i would talk about this all the time but like one of my favorite movies ever is the original taking a pelham 123 because it's literally a hijack in the train and instead of being like worried everyone's just like all right what you know it's like so new york to me i just love that new york like energy um

Dude, I can't believe you wrote a book. This is crazy. I know. I know. On top of everything you're doing, you wrote a fucking book. Which was so much more work than I ever would have imagined. And everybody told me, too. All comics were like, don't do it. Yeah. You know, it sounds like an insane amount of work. Yeah. And comics don't want you to have a thing we don't have. Right. Right. Right. Right. Yeah. No, but it's...

It was a lot of work. I'm super happy. I had brought copies to bring to all these things, and then I left them all on my tour bus right before the flight. I want to read it, dude. That's comedy. I'll send them to you. I'll send you guys. Please. Put it up in the studio. Dude, so it's essays. Yeah, it's like stories and essays. Good one? Oh, wow. Sorry, sorry. That was good. Thanks for leaning in.

The other way. Yeah, that was cool. Thanks for pushing it this way. Well, I know you better. Yeah, I appreciate it. Yeah, stories and essays, yeah. And that title is because that's the...

that's the first full sentence my first sunset my first son said to me yeah oh that's amazing like i sat down it's a great title yeah and he was like i would like to play alone please i was like okay man what what made you go like the essay wrote over like i'm sure people like you they came to you with a book proposal and you were like this is well they were like um you know they're telling me like oh comedians have written you know humorous things and i was like well

They go, what would you write? And I was telling them like, you know, it's like basically stories, right? You know, the time that this happened, the time that, you know, I shared a condo on the road with a 600 pound man. Like I'm telling them these stories. Yeah. And then they're like, well, write, you know, give us a writing sample. So then I wrote, I think like 10,000 words and then sent that in like different stories. And they're like, yes, you could do a book like this style. So then, and then I have like these interstitial things about,

where I've sat next to celebrities, but it's all black celebrities. Chris Tucker. Chris Tucker, Bruce Bruce, Serena Williams. We talk about Chris Tucker a lot too. You do? We love Tucker. I mean, Money Talks, Friday, Rush Hour. My Chris Tucker story is one of my favorite ones because...

I am sitting next to him and I don't say anything to him. Chris Tucker. He's right next to me. Right. And I had seen him at the gate and I didn't say anything there. Wow. And we're just sitting there like, and as the plane is taking off and we're like, we're both facing forward.

I just hear him in his very distinct voice. He goes, should I do another rush hour? To himself? Well, that's the thing. I'm like, he's definitely talking to like, I saw him talking to the guy who's behind me now at the gate. So I'm like, he must be talking to that guy. And then I'm like, and then I just turn and he's,

He's just looking at me. I'm like, you're asking me, dude? So I go, I don't know, man. This is like verbatim. I go, I don't know. He goes, yeah. He goes, I was in Beijing last week.

He goes, I'm walking through the streets. I see Jackie Chan. He goes, what are you doing here? I go, I'm here to see you. And I go, sounds like the next Rush Howard. He goes, I think you're right. And then I'm like, yeah. He goes, yeah, I'm going to. And he starts writing back. I go, you just consulted with me on how to do this or whether to do this. Was he aware of you being a comedian and all that? I tell him next. I go, yeah. I go, I did this show. Because we were actually on an amphitheater show.

the night before but never met. He closed out the first half. It was 20,000 people. Wow. And I arrived. Was this oddball or something? What was this? It was like a one-off thing. Okay. But it was like Chappelle. And I never met him. I didn't even see him. They just were like, Chris Tucker was here. But I didn't like...

Since I didn't meet him, I didn't start by, you know, I just kind of let it go. Yeah. And then I go, yeah, I was on that show last night. He goes, what? And I'm like, yeah, man. I go, I did the second half. And I go, I did like way later. And I, you know, I heard you did great, that kind of thing. And then he's like, yeah. He goes, yeah, I got this thing on Netflix. I go, yeah, I have things on Netflix. He goes, for real? And I go, yeah. And I go,

I go, so now you're done. I go, so now you're going to see like, you know, your ticket sales are going to go up and, you know, you just got to go work out that new hour. And he's like, where? And I go, in clubs. He goes, what kind of clubs? I'm like, comedy clubs. Wasn't he a comedian? Yeah. I'm like, what are you talking about? He's like, which ones? I go. You're explaining comedy to Chris Tucker? I'm like telling him the clubs. That's amazing. And then he goes.

He goes, will you send me that list? I go, of the comedy, of the nation's comedy club? I see him at clubs sometimes. I see his poster up there. Really? I was just at the Charlotte Comedy Zone. And then Chris Tucker's face is like, wow. He gave me his phone number. Wow. So I text him. I'm like, you need to go to here, here, and here. He's like, all right, thanks, man. Has he done your mom's house? No. You've got to get him on, dude. I know. That would be amazing. The worst part is you ate a star and none of that happened.

Yeah. It was the best, dude. Wow. That's incredible. He is one of the funniest people. Naturally. So funny. Gifted. He would be falling in Rush Hour. The noise he would yell out would be like comic perfection. He's so great. Yeah. He steals Friday. I love the...

the bloopers at the end where he's like Jackie and they're like his name is not Jackie in the movie he's like over and over and over when he's on the phone who the hell you think you kidnapped Kelsey Grammer it's like it's Chelsea Clinton ah that's great just like yelling at him he's the best dude no dude he's we're huge fans I mean he's fifth element he's great if someone wants to tag Chris Tucker we'd kill to have you on We Might Be Drunk please we love you

We'll get you drunk. I used to watch Comic View as a kid, and every comic would literally do a Michael Jackson, but his was always the best. He had the best Michael Jackson. Oh, dude, Rush Hour 2, and he's just doing... Yes! They were probably just like, yeah, he can do Michael Jackson. Just write it into the script. Write it in. Sure. I forgot he had Netflix. I think he's wearing a polka dot suit. Am I nuts? I don't know.

Pull that up if you can. I swear to God. Who else? Any other flight people that are just... Mike Tyson? Yeah. Mike Tyson. Serena Williams. Whoa. Bruce Bruce. What are you flying? Urban Air? What is this? I fly Soul Plane, bro. What the fuck? I know. It's so crazy, right? Oh, Jill Scott. Oh, wow. And the funniest is that I write the chapter about Jill Scott, and then at that fucking... At Pete's thing at the garden...

I'm backstage and I go, I think that's Jill Scott over there. And I had just written the chapter about her. And the chapter starts, I go, I think the first line is, Jill Scott hates salmon. Because we were on a flight and they're like, would you like...

you know, the salad or the salmon? She was like, I don't, uh-uh, no salmon. And I started talking to her about salmon. And I was like, you really should try it. And I was trying to tell her how to eat it. So I go over to her and I'm like, hey, we flew together from L.A. to Nashville seven years ago. And I start telling her. She's like, okay. And I go, here's my proof that I'm not making this up. She's like, go ahead. And I go, you hate salmon. She goes, I don't fuck with anything pink. Yeah.

Wow. All right. Maybe I was wrong about the polka dot suit. Oh, there you are. Polka dot shirt. That's all I remembered. Sorry. Wow. No salmon. I love salmon. I know. I love salmon, too. Dude, I think I saw Money Talks in the theater three times. Whoa. Maybe at least twice. Yeah. One of the funniest. He's outrageously funny. Yeah. I mean, he's the coolest. Yeah. Damn. It'll be missed. I'm just kidding.

We're talking about it like he's dead. He's still around. He'll be in the movie. What was your favorite part about writing the book? Fucking being done, dude. I mean, you know what it is? I was just telling this yesterday that, you know when you watch a special of yours, like you're doing the edit, there's like a bit you'll be like, I really like this bit. Yeah. Essentially, you're proud of it. You're like, I'm very proud of this bit. This is good.

And some of the other ones you're like, I don't know. It's the same feeling. Like with the book, you're like, this is a good story. This chapter is good. I like the wordplay, like the whole thing. It's funny. It's engaging. And then, you know, you're like, I wish I could fucking rewrite this chapter or cut this one. It's the same kind of feeling, you know? But you feel more vulnerable because you don't get to perform the way that it's received. You're like, it's just a written word. So like when you hand it in, you're like,

Like, you're white, you know? Yeah, yeah. Are you texting lines to comics? Are you running stuff by Christina? No. None of that. None of that. But I'm giving it to a really great publisher, editor, and a book agent. And, like, who I'm working with so much that, like, their notes are... It's like getting...

stand-up notes from a comic you're like these are really good notes yeah so immediately like i when they were like this is a great chapter i was like okay thank god because i you would hand it and be like is this the worst thing you've ever written is there anything you read to be like this is how i i this is like the style that's right for essays no because i i mean i i don't read a lot now like i i had you're busy as hell yeah i mean i i remember reading

a couple of comedy, like a comedian's books like a while ago. And I remember reading like humor writing story. And I just wanted it to be like stories that were like engaging and funny and like, you know, specific to the way that I write. So once I was like, you know, telling story, I ended up telling a story about,

living in Florida and going to visit someone and with my sister and then she sees something out in a field and makes me turn around I don't want to turn around so it's like you know how I write that story and then we finally go and it's a body that was in a field oh wow a motorcycle was like nearby so a guy clearly so it's like that whole kind of story but like

When I read the final draft, I was like, oh, I like this story. You know what I mean? It has elements of surprise. It's good storytelling. Yeah. And it has funny stuff in it. So things like that would make me feel it. I was like, oh, this is what I want the book to be full of. Yes. Stories like this. Yeah. I mean, I grew up reading sign language. Remember that when I read Couplehood? Yeah. Underrated. What's his name? Paul Reiser's book. Yeah. Oh, really? It's killer. Yeah, it's great. I read it and I was like...

David Sedaris, me talk for a long time. Fantastic. Those are fun as hell. I remember, I don't remember the name of it or which one, but I definitely read a Jim Norton book. Oh, Happy Endings. Was that it? Great. Fantastic. Oh, really? So funny. He's really, really talented. I love Norton. We love Norton. He's a funny guy. Smart guy. Too Fat to Fish is good.

Artie. Yeah. That was incredible. Yeah. I mean, the shit about his dad is heartbreaking. I mean, Artie is one of the funniest humans. Yeah. Do you see him still? You see him around? It's been forever. He used to come around. I used to go to his house and watch My 600-lb Life and just him narrating it in Hoboken, just riffing. I'm like, I will never hear anything funnier. No, he's so quick. Artie Lang riffing on My 600-lb Life, the funniest dude. Yeah. Dude, are you a Miami Heat fan?

No, that was like, I mean, Miami was kind of close to where I was in Florida. I thought you were a big NBA guy. No, I mean, I liked the NBA. I'm a big college football fan. You were a football player too, right? I mean, high school, you know. I thought you were Ohio. I was born in Ohio. Oh, shit. But I went to high school in Florida. And I went to high school in Florida in the 90s. And that was when Florida, Florida State, and Miami were just like,

It was like that was the entire – that was all of college football. That's all that mattered. I mean they literally – Football is your number one sport. Yeah. But those three schools were either competing for or winning the national championship. I mean literally 91 winning one for Miami, 92 one of them lost, 93 Florida State won, 94 I think Florida lost, 95 they won, 96 – like literally every single year they were either in it or winning it, one of the three schools. So –

And then if you're in high school and you're around that, you're playing that sport, it becomes kind of like everyone's obsession. Oh, yeah. Not to mention the pro. I mean, you had Dan Marino was the guy. He was even an Ace Ventura. Yeah, he sure was. Have you had a lot of big athletes at your shows? I thought I saw you posting something about that. Yeah, yeah. They've been coming out. Who do you get? Joe Burrows just came, the Cincinnati Bengals quarterback. Oh, he's sexy.

Yeah. Cool dude. Cool dude. He's the man. And then he goes, you want to come over to the house after? And I was like, and my uncle and aunt were at the show. I was like, hey, we're not going to hang out at dinner afterwards. They're in their 80s. I was like, I might not see you again. I see black guys posting about how cool he is. And I'm like, this guy's made it. That's the ultimate. He's swaggy for sure. So swag. I happen to, we stay, you know, we're in Cincinnati. We're staying across the street from this like,

the Urban Wear store and we go in there and we all buy... I bought like a Coogee shirt and then I wear it to the show and then he comes to that show and he walks up to me and he goes, he's like, you're wearing shit that I would wear, man. And I'm like, yeah, dude. Damn. But he was... Yeah, he was rad and so...

So nice. They all want to be comics, too, which is fun. Because obviously we'd like to be a pro athlete. We skipped dinner and he goes, my chef made these if you guys want to eat these. What? We were like, yeah, sure, man. What did his chef make? Really good food. Like a paella. Ooh. A chicken dish with like brownie on top. Do you have a pro football team or no? Well, I mean, I'm from Cincy originally, so I'm like, you know. So he's your guy. I mean, yeah. But I have to admit that when I left as a kid, I left...

The year they went to the Super Bowl in '88 and we were so gung-ho on the Bengals and they entered such a depression era, like a run of being horrific that it was tough to stay like go Bengals when you're watching them go three and 13 for like a decade. So I just kind of lost interest in it, honestly. - Damn. - Joe Burr.

look at that fucking jacket top gun looking dude yeah dude look at jesus christ that looks like a tv he's so good you do have to win when you dress like that you can't show up like that and not win no yeah it's crazy to think that he you know has like insecurities right it seems so confident but you're all human you know he's at home like ah geez i suck yeah or maybe not maybe that's just me

No, I think everybody does. Everybody does. Yeah. Yeah, we've all, you know, sharted and said something stupid. Even like the guy who you think is the coolest fucking guy ever. Exactly. Yeah, Brad Pitt is sharted. He's sharted. He's sharted for sure. That's nice. He had a night he couldn't get it up.

Yeah. You know, that's nice to hear. Yeah. He probably can't get it up because he's so out of cum, though. You know what I mean? Yeah. He's like, there's no way. It's a good reason to knock it off. Yeah, like, dude, come on. That's four loads. I'm 58. I'm running on empty. I can't. I can't. Imagine being tired of fucking Angelina Jolie. At some point, he was like, ah, I'm good. I'd rather watch the game. Yeah, it's got to be awesome. I guess so. Yeah.

That's when you've made it. Yeah. It happens. That's why they adopted. He was out of cum. He was. That's a lot of kids. Yeah.

Yeah, now you got, I want to have kids one day, I think. You do? And you have two? I have two boys, yeah. This is news to me as well. Well, you don't want kids at all? Maybe, I don't know, but I've never heard you say it out loud. Wait, have you tied the knot? November, so I got a few months. Okay, so it's happening though. Oh, yeah, it's terrifying. Where are you going to do it? Are you going to do it in New Orleans? You are? Nice. Yeah, she's from Massachusetts, so it's like, eh.

And November in New Orleans will be nice. That's the only good month. Yeah. It's either sweltering heat with humidity or hurricanes. I'm psyched. I'm psyched for the wedding, man. It's going to be fun.

And you? You going to do babies, you think, or no? We'll figure it out. I got to have a woman first, I think. But we'll see. Yeah, he's a virgin. Yeah, never fucked a woman. You got to try it. It's great. Dude, I heard it's good. It's pretty good. I'm excited to try. Yeah. Use your dick. Dude, I'm going to fuck a woman with my dick. Yeah. Whoa. It's going to be crazy. Yeah, it's nice. Where'd you tie the knot? Did you do LA? No. Go piss. I did the Bahamas. What?

Yeah. You're that guy who's like, hey, I'm getting married to the Bahamas and every comic has to be like... You know what's great is that it was...

It gets everybody to something like that that you'd want to be there. It weeds them out. It really weeds them out. That's a good point. So it was like three or four days or however many days we were there, 35 people. But they're like all the people you'd want to. Right. It's the VIPs. It's the VIPs. That's good. It's kind of great. Did you do the beach like barefoot, that whole thing? No, no, no. I couldn't because my parents are...

hardcore Catholic and they're like you don't do a fucking beach wedding oh shit so we had to go to the church what yeah like the little old school church in this little Bahamian town that's pretty cool it was kind of cool it was in Eleuthera the island of Eleuthera and then but yeah then immediately you go back to the place and then right right hangs out yeah damn I went to Catholic school did you

Yeah. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. I grew up unreligious, but when I was fucking up, so my parents, like, you got to go to Catholic school and, like, get your shit together. Were they Catholic? No, no, atheists. Like, my parents are old hippie weirdos, but they were like, you're a piece of shit kid, so you need a little bit of some diddling. Yeah, yeah, something. And it was all new to me. Was it good for you?

Not really. I mean, it was like they drug tested. It was uniforms. It was disciplinary. And it was rough. You told me the story. I think you said you were 16 or 17 and your dad found you just hammered. Yeah. I told you about that? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Found me...

shit-faced and I had my first like big job interview that morning and I was like and he threw me in the shower with clothes on turned it on and yelled at me yeah and uh what do they think now though you're like this successful comedian and like you know they're like yeah you fucked off as a kid but now you have like a real career I don't know it's a good question really yeah you've never heard them they don't show they don't emote really yeah they're military I don't know they're nice they're good parents but uh there's not a lot of like

Good on you, kid. Really? Yeah. But I don't know. Maybe that's what I'm striving for. Okay. Oh, yeah. That is... You're totally... Maybe. Yeah. What about you? You got decent parents? Yeah. I mean, they were... I mean, my dad was very...

very supportive. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. And he was like a big cheerleader. You know what I mean? Yeah. He was, he was real excited about everything that like, even the early, you know, open mic, embarrassing shit. Yeah. He was like, he was like really like down for going for it.

Damn, that's awesome. Yeah, it was pretty cool. Was your mom supportive as well? Yeah. I mean, yes, but she was like, I remember her being like, you should get the job at the post office. And I was like, why? And she goes, so you have security and then at night you can do your shows. And I'm like, yeah, I'm not going to go to the post office.

I was like, I'm doing this. I mean, I was really struggling. Your videos with your mom are so funny. Yeah, she's hilarious. She's really funny. She's really funny. You did fluent Spanish. It's pretty good. I mean, it was really good at one point. It definitely was gold.

going away because I wasn't using it. Yeah. And then I started to use it again. It's come back a good bit. Yeah. Yeah. But it will go away if you don't use it. Oh, I spoke French as a kid. It's basically all gone. Really? You did? It's sad, yeah. I was in French immersion. Oh. You know, from New Orleans. It's very French there. Yeah, sure. And my dad's French and it just, it fizzles out. Is your dad, your dad's French? Well, it's Normand.

I mean, it's just like Louisiana French. We're not like eating bread and smoking cigarettes or drinking wine. No, I have a lot of French blood. Oh, yeah? Yeah, yeah. Like my dad's middle name was Nadeau. His mother was French-Canadian. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so there's like a good bit. French culture is so cool. It's so rad. It's just like cool. And it is the thing is, you know what? It's so seductive is that they don't fucking want you.

I know. Oh, Jews, we're out there recruiting. Oh, we're not recruiting, rather. And I think that gives the Judaism thing, like when people come to us, they really want it. Absolutely. You know, and the same with the French. They couldn't give a fuck about anyone else. No. My dad does not give a fuck about me.

But, no, I'm just kidding. But that's true. Yeah, French people. The movie, the old French wave movies are so sexy. Yes. The fact that they drink all day and none of them are fat. Yeah. I know. Except for Gerard. Have you seen Gerard Depardieu? He looks like Bert. It's crazy. Oh, my God. Yeah. Dude, his nose is like, it's crazy when you drink so much your nose gets bigger. Do you remember when he was on that flight? Oh.

And he pissed in the aisle? Yes. He was so drunk, he, on a fucking commercial flight, gets up and just like, and they're like, what are you, and it's Gerard Depardieu. He's like, my Lord. And then he puts out a statement, like, I apologize. Do you see that he claims he drinks 12 bottles of wine a day? It looks like it. Wow. Bro. Damn. That's a lot in a week. He looks very drunk.

Rough. Pull him up. Pull him up. Pull up Gerard DeBardieu. Make sure you write now. I can't name one movie he's in. Holy shit. Look at that. Yeah, that's not good. That's a big man. He's gone like Orson Welles. Yeah. Look at that photo with the nose. Holy shit. Ah, looks like Kathy Najimy. Holy shit. Looks like he ate Mario Batali. Right there with the overalls. Oh, the suspenders. You don't see, yeah, you don't see Bert? I can see it.

Yeah, Bert fucked Diaz. That is crazy. Holy shit. He is...

I mean, he is not a healthy looking man. Look how handsome he used to be. Is that him? Yeah, no, he was a hunk. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, look at that. Well, I remember Brando. I mean, that's the ultimate. Smoking. Young Brando. Smoke show. What's the, not streetcar, the one where he's on the docks. Oh, waterfront. On the waterfront, he's like one of the hottest dudes ever. Ever. And the lips? He turned into a goddamn balloon. He was like a...

Like the Goodyear blimp, dude. Yeah, he's a big man. Huge. Island Dr. Moreau. That was rough. Dude, the greatest, they just did that Val Kilmer documentary. And Val Kilmer would just walk around with a video camera. And it's on that movie. Was that the movie? The Island Dr. Moreau? Yeah. It's just Brando fat as shit laying on a hammock like, oh, you're filming? You know, it's insane. Don't meet your heroes. Yeah. Brando is... Look at that sexy son of a bitch.

That guy would do what he wanted with you. Oh, yeah. You wanted him to. One of the coolest actors ever. Totally. Fucking streetcar is incredible, too. I mean, everything he was in, man. Have you seen, what's that movie where he plays a Japanese man?

What? Pull that one up. Rush hour two? No, you're going to be like, holy shit, what the fuck? This is the shit that used to... You ever breakfast at Tiffany's? It's rough. It's Mickey Rooney. Mickey Rooney, yeah. It's like, pock the cataract. And they're like, whoa. Oh, dude, that's rough. There it is. See, this is why he went hardcore for the Native Americans, because he knew this was in his back pocket. Yeah. Yeah.

Holy shit. But that's when Hollywood was kind of, that's when he gave like a middle finger to Hollywood. I thought that was fucking cool. Yeah, that was before anyone else was doing it too. That's when they were still like the club you wanted to be a part of and he was like, suck my dick. Yeah, he was. He really was. Wow. He was cool shit.

All right. Well, where are you going to? I mean, do you want to plug dates? Yeah, I got a bunch of, you know, if you have topscore.com slash tour. I used to, like, remember I'm going to be in this city and that city, and I don't anymore because there's too many. But check it out. You'll see a date where I'm somewhere near you. Please get tickets. And the book I'm very excited about.

If you want to check it out, there's a hard copy. There's an audio book I did. I read the book on Audible. Wow. And then there's e-books, too, if you're into that. So there's copies of every kind. That's a milestone, man. It is. It is huge. Thanks, man. Man, I hope to never write a book. Yeah. Seems like a lot of work. The best advice, I said I listened to it for like a week.

was Tom Papa because he's written a number of books. He was like set a time every day that's not overwhelming. So like an hour, 10 to 11. Maybe one day you'll write two pages. Next day you write five. So if you do it like five, six days a week, you'll have a book. Just chip away. Yeah. Love Tom Papa. Oh, he's great. But if you go like...

nah i just don't feel like doing it yeah then all of a sudden you have like the pressure building exactly i almost wrote a book once because uh dana gould and i wrote a show and we couldn't sell it and he was like just write it as a book and we'll be able to sell it and i was like hell yeah dude and then i banged out like 80 pages and i was like nah i'm good i can't fuck this shit it's pretty good yeah it's pretty good but i was like i'm done but uh

Yeah, man. Yeah. See Tom on tour. You see all the dates up there. We'll throw those up there. Is that at 12? Oh, sorry. It says 10 p.m. I thought it said 12 p.m. I was like, damn. You better act because these are all sold out already. So you better get on these. Get on it, folks. Don't miss them. Ooh, Golden Nugget. That'll be fun. Oh, boy. Lake Charles, Louisiana. Let me apologize now. I've been there. I've been there. Okay. Are we going to be Norman? No.

MarkNormanComedy.com I'm all over the road all the clubs Tom is shitting on I'll be there I'll be in Erie I'm back at Hyena's by the way yeah no I got a bunch of fun dates I'm doing the Wilbur doing the Neptune doing a it's a great one yeah Neptune's great you've done it before no never Seattle yeah I did my second special there oh yeah awesome room

All right. Wilbur's also, of course, one of the nations. One of the best. Yeah. So, yeah, all kinds of fun dates announcing Vancouver, Toronto, New Orleans. The best. Those two cities are fucking amazing. Great comedy towns. Yes. I'm pumped. Congrats on your new special. Thanks, man. Yeah. It'll be out hopefully August or so. I'm happy with it. So check it out. You have a name for it yet or not yet? I think it's going to be called Same Time Tomorrow. Oh.

which is a, I like that. Yeah. It's a, it's literally like a pedophilia joke, but, uh, but it's also applicable to comedy. So whatever, uh, probably same time tomorrow. And then, uh, yeah, Houston improv, West Palm improv, uh, building this shit back up Tampa. I thought the set was nice, but maybe, uh, get wifi next time, you know? Yeah. Holy shit. Matt. Nice. No internet. I'll beat the no internet cafe. Uh, we'll be, uh, no, all over, uh, Dania beach, uh,

San Jose Improv, Pittsburgh Improv, a lot of improvs. Yeah. Building back up, but I'll see you guys on the road. And thank you, Bearded Jew, for the drink. Nah, Beer Jew. Beer Jew, sorry. Same shit. Thanks so much. Tom, thanks for coming. Yeah, yeah, thanks for having me, guys. This was awesome. Kill Colbert. We're fans. Thanks, brother. We're fans. Thank you so much, man. Comedy. It's dangerous.