Ep 80: Bodega Cat Revealed
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Hey, hey, folks. Whoa, this is it, the new studio. Holy hell, we're here. We're queer. It's loaded up for bear. I mean, this is very, this table is bigger than my dad's asshole. Look at this thing. Your dad's asshole is huge. Huge, and it tastes great. He's got a gaping hole. Oh, yeah, especially after I'm done with him.

All right, we're starting off hot. We haven't wasted any time in this new studio. Yeah. Remember anal poppers? What happened to those? Anal poppers? I feel like I heard about anal poppers every 20 minutes in the 80s. The worst kid's candy ever. Yeah, they pop in your mouth. Remember, what was it? Pop rocks. Pop rocks. The whole thing is you put them in the soda. Mm-hmm. That was the whole thing. Yeah, and then you feel like you're dying or something. I hate it. Ah.

I was never a pop rocks kid. Me neither. It was the heroin of candy. It was too much. If you did that as a kid, you're a big Red Bull drinker as an adult. Yes. That's like the type of, you're like, all right. That's true. We're coffee guys. If I see a guy drink a Red Bull, I'm like, all right, whatever. But if I see a guy drink a Rockstar, I immediately lose respect for you. Really? I'm just going to come out and say it. I'm sorry. And if I see you with an amp, it's over.

You ever seen amp drink? I think that came and went. And then there was this, the white can of Rockstar is the whitest trash thing I've ever seen. What's the difference between the white and the black?

Well, there's a few. The black can is bigger. No, the white one, I don't know. I always see it in guys' trucks and shit. Toothless guys have the white can. Maybe it's a racial thing. I don't know. But there it is. Dude, I haven't seen you forever, man. Oh, yeah. It's good to be back. We backlogged a few in that old studio because of the move, and here we are. Salamanca. Hey, hey.

Good to see you there. Good to be back. I had a long weekend, so we're doing vodka sodas here.

Taking it easy. Taking it easy. Big. I mean, I've been to Europe. You've recorded stuff. We've been on the road. Lots happening. And we got a shout out to Peters for just killing the studio. Killed the studio, man. Unbelievable. Looks great. Well done. Love the look. Yeah, I've been everywhere. I mean, we were in LA together. That was pretty epic. Oh, yeah. That's right. Jeez. I forgot about that. So much time has passed. Yeah, we got overpriced sushi. Yeah. And then- Not a big fan of this. Is it pronounced omakase?

I don't even know what that is. I think it's Omicron. Omicron? We got Omicron sushi. It was horrible. Give me the chills.

shit myself and you guys are burying the lead sam was on david letterman yeah oh that's why of course i saw it live i got some pics yeah no it was awesome mark was there just hanging with me to it's funny i see other comics there they've got like 20 friends i literally have my agent and mark everyone else has like this whole crew i'm like this is my crew i got norman and berkowitz is my two but you know but you know you uh

Mark was there like taking my mind off it before, putting me at ease, whatever. And then he had to go host a show. So I don't realize Mark is at the late tape until I get a text and he texts me one of my lines. And I was like, oh, that's pretty cool. Yeah. But yeah. Pretty amazing. Pretty surreal watching you guys in the same couch talking. You've got a roof, a mic, and amp. Oh, yeah. Of course, Alec, you've got to plug this. Well done. So I mean...

Look at this. Legend. Did you ever think you would see this video in history? This is insane. Well, dude, it's funny. You know how it goes when you're young. You dream about being interviewed by Letterman, right? Of course. It's game seven. It's game seven. Yeah, I always wanted to, and then he's off the air, and you're like, that'll never happen.

You know? Yeah. That's just how it is. And then he was so freaking cool. Super cool. Before the show, he invited every comic who was on this to just one-on-one in his green room. And we're just chatting in his green room. I'm just talking to David Letterman. And I'm like, I don't know what vibe. You hear stories. You can be a little prickly. You don't know. He was the warmest guy ever. I literally walk. I walk in. He goes, you know, so I've watched a lot of your stuff. I'm already like, what?

Wow, that's insane. And then he goes, you know, the rooftop thing is so resourceful. Like, so you just kept working. He's fascinated by social media. I mean, obviously he's, why is he such a great interviewer? There's like a lot of reasons, but his curiosity, he's so curious. So he's like, you know,

Yeah. He was asking me stuff in the room. He was like, so I don't understand how you make money off the social medias. And I was like, well, you tour. You make the money on tour. And he's like, huh. Because in his day, it was all about the sitcom. And that's how you made the money. And I think his whole, him being like, oh, so you can circumvent these gatekeepers now. I think he was super into that. He hates management and gatekeepers. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I like that. But then he, at one point, was like, do whatever this interview is. Like, if you want, steamroll me. Whatever it takes for you to shine. He's like, this is about you. I was like, in my head, I'm like, is he fucking with me? Am I going to get out there and is he going to be like, so, Sam, you're a limp dick fuck. And I'm just like, what?

What the hell is he going to do? That would be great if you decided, like, you know what? Fuck this. So what was up with that intern, Dave? He's like, Jesus Christ, what are you doing? No, he was, you know, the first taping, you weren't at the first taping. My agent nearly lost his fucking mind because I come out and I'm in tight jeans. And I guess it was like my phone is poking out. And I go out to do my first bit. It hits pretty hard, you know. And they yell out. I hear a voice from up top, Sam. And I'm like.

Is that God? Who the hell's talking to me? Sam. And everyone's like confused. Obviously I'm like, is someone really fucking up my set right now? Yeah. After my opener hit, you're going to make me, she goes, there's a, there's a, a bulge in your pants. I'm like, thank you. Oh,

No, she goes, there's a bulge in your pants. She goes, it's your phone. I was like, all right. So I had to riff off that. She says, is something poking out of your pants? I said, yeah, it's my cock. And I got a laugh, thank God. All right. Saving the moment. But she goes, you got to restart the set. And I'm kind of like. That is comedy death. Well, in my head, I'm kind of like, just fucking roll with it. What else? I mean, it's already happened. What can you do? I get off. Dave is joking around. So Letterman goes, he goes, get the fuck off. Like playfully, you know, get the fuck off.

And then he grabs me as I'm going off. He goes, I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry. And I said, it's cool. And I go off and I'm like, all right. And I kind of, I do my opener again. Exact same joke. I have to. This time it hits even harder because the crowd is fucking mad for me. Wow.

So they're behind me. They're rooting for you. They're rooting for me. So I was like, all right. Honestly, it might have been good that it happened in a weird way. Damn, that is interesting. Wow. The little behind the scenes stuff. And what a cool, what a mensch to be so nice. He knows what this means. You know, when I was working with Seinfeld,

He's very generous. He's very nice because he knows that you're freaking out. And that's pretty thoughtful, pretty aware. Yeah. That's nice of these older guys. But even he is like, he doesn't realize how big. Because at one point he was like, I mean, what's next? I'm like, dude, I'm talking to you. I'm talking to David Levin. Like, this is a big moment, dude. There was a part of you where you're like,

No, this is all right. Yeah, that was a great ending you had. You were so quick on your feet, you were in the zone. And he goes, so how you doing otherwise? You good? And you're like, how am I doing? I'm on the couch with David fucking Letterman. And that place went nuts. Yeah, I mean... Great way to end it. So I know you're an emotional boy. Yeah. Yeah, did you feel it at all?

Yeah. I mean, I was, you know, the thing was that was a tough weekend for me because I was literally, you know, I taped two shows of that last night, that night on a Friday. And then the next day is when I did the beacon. So I literally, I had to wake up at like 5 a.m. earlier. I think it was 4 a.m. What a week to get back to New York to do the beacon theater that night. So I'm,

The second I'm out of there, I'm like, fuck it, muscle relaxer. I think I took it backstage. Whoa. Let's let the muscle relaxer hit so I can get at least two hours. Yeah. I walked Sam home. He was living. And then I get to the airport. I see Chris DiStefano. Hey. And Chris and I, and Chris is like, you could do it, man. Just try to get like at least two more hours of sleep on the flight. He's like amping me up to sleep.

And then I pass out. I get up and I just as I wake up, I just see Chris like. That's great. That's so funny. The idea of you taking a muscle relaxer, you pass on the plane. Sam's not waking up. Oh, my God. Cancel the bacon. Oh, man. But very excited. I mean, that's a milestone. Oh, is that big? It was so cool that Mark was there with me, too. It's a good feeling, man. I was with you the next night. You were with me the next night. Yeah, the bacon. Can we hear about the bacon?

beacon or i mean is that i gotta hear about it insane man it's new york city it's i mean you perform there it's crazy it's uh yeah it's uh how many times we walked under that marquee going to stand up new york or or whatever like oh steely dan oh carlin oh uh fish or whoever you know it's always some huge thing or paul simon yeah and then sam murill

Crazy. Crazy. I mean, it's one of the best. I mean, it's like you almost can't picture a better room, right? It's like, it's epic. Especially for a New Yorker like you. Like, you grew up 10 blocks from there, maybe? Yeah, I grew up close to there. Wow. So it's pretty damn crazy. Not 10 blocks, but I mean, it would, that's a...

Yeah, it's the Upper West Side. It's iconic. I mean, I'd only been to one show there. I saw the Greg Giroldo benefit there, which was like, Jesus Christ, talk about like murderers fucking row. Oh, yeah. It was like a tell Colin Quinn, Seinfeld. Wow. It was black. I mean, just everyone was a murderer.

You know, I mean, the beacon is as good as it gets, man. It's the best. So cool. And isn't it weird? And this is where I get mushy about comedy. But something about comedy and success and doing well, it all happens in spurts. Have you noticed that? Like...

You did Letterman at the Netflix Fest, then The Beacon 20 hours later, and then a special... Yeah, can we pace this slightly? Yeah, it hits you in a point where you're like, Jesus Christ, let me take a fucking breath. It always seems to happen. I did a... Last Comic Standing failed. Then I went and did my half hour...

I had some virus from eating ass, and then I went and did my album. You were puffy in the half hour. Oh, was I puffy? Pull that up there, Peters. I look like you. Which one is it? I was just so bloated. I had all these. No, no. Comedy Central half hour. I'm so bloaty and fat. I look like I've been floating in a river for three days. It was crazy. You got that from eating butt? Yeah, it's a fecal matter thing. Damn. Just fecal matter. It's called H. pylori. Better to eat ass offstage than on. Ha ha.

That's true. You do it.

Caught, by the way. The more you know. The more you know. Yeah, just, yeah, let's see. Can we get there? You can just put up a still. Yeah, is there a still? Yeah, sure. Because I am a mess, but I had to push through. You know, Comedy Central back then, they're, oh, look at these fucking queefs. They don't give you an inch. Hard to believe they're fucking failing. Whoa. Oh, yeah, that does not look like you, Mark. I'm deep, and this is me with a ton of makeup on. Oh, my God. I'm like a different guy. You'd be a terrible drag queen. Yeah, yeah.

Look at that. I remember I didn't know what I had, so I thought I had AIDS because I just didn't know. I was shitting water. My tongue was sheet white. I was just sad and anxious and dehydrated. Went to the doctor. He goes, I don't know what this is. Let's run some blood tests. This is not what you want to hear. Oh, two weeks later, he goes, are you sitting down? He called me. I'm like, oh, God. He goes, you have H. And I was like, I know. Yeah.

And he goes, H. pylori. It's one pill. It's an antibiotic. You're good to go. I was like, oh, all right. There we go. Jesus Christ. Can we get a different name for it? I know. The H. Yeah, the H. Damn. I was sitting down. I mean, it's such a terrible way to give someone news. Yeah, yeah. Are you sitting down? Why do we do that? Yeah.

Tell that to Stephen Hawking. Are you sitting down? You know I am. I don't really have an option here. You're sitting down, you're paralyzed. Damn, dude. Yeah, no, the amount of shit. I mean...

that happens at once in this biz isn't it so you you were in europe though man you were in london i gotta hear about london i i've never done comedy in london really no great we did ireland together but i've never done london london yeah i remember the ireland was fun too but london it's it feels more new yorky it feels there's less tension there don't you feel like in america it's like rich versus poor black versus white men versus women there's all these movements and everybody's coming and fighting and can't

and all this shit. It didn't feel like that there. H. Pylori versus comedian. I mean, it never stops. Yeah, ass-eating. But it just felt like fun and light, and it felt like the 90s again. It was weird. And we did me and List and Luke Moniz and Ismael Lutfi, all these guys. Yeah, Broussard, all these guys. Dude, have you seen Luke Moniz's characters? Oh, he is hilarious. Dude, pull up the guy who runs it. It's like Luke Moniz...

runs into, God, running into like your girlfriend's friend or something or like anything like that. Or it's fucking Kendall from Succession Impressions are insane. Oh, yeah. Is that Moen EZ? Yeah, yeah. No, S. S, yeah. He's a funny guy. He's so funny. He just moved to LA too. Did he? So he'll probably get in a movie or something and blow up. But great guy too. Great hang in London. Oh, yeah. This is a good one. So you're Casey's boyfriend? Yeah.

Lexi. You see the Joker? Keith or Joaquin? Three, two, one. Jared Leto. Nice. I'm a Leto guy. Sushi. Do you like it? Car horns, right? You can drive? See that? Used to be a building there. You like board games? I had this idea for Trivial Pursuit, but got porn. So they're close friends. I guess that makes us friends-in-law.

What do you think that is, huh?

2.6 million views. And this is like the, pull up the caption for what this is. Scroll up, so. When your girlfriend runs into her friend and you're stuck with the other boyfriend. Oh, that's great. Great premise. So random. Yeah, he's funny too. Stand up is great. Uh,

Cool guy. We hung out. Everybody would get breakfast in the morning. So I got to break down London. Break it down, dude. We were out there doing a game show and they pay you well. They fly you out first class. They put you up in this insane hotel. People have top hats and shit.

And they press your coats. You know, it's one of these places. You're whispering to your fiance, that's the fucking Monopoly guy. It was like a little Downton Abbey type shit. But just high end, high end. And me and List are like, this is insane. Look how nice they're treating us. Wow, the money's good. You were on the show with List. Yeah, he was there like a few days before me. So he did an episode that I flew in and...

I was like, hey, how are we here? Oh, my God. London. Here we go. And then he's like, have you done any work yet for the show? I was like, I haven't even opened the packet. And he's like, you're fucked. What's the premise for the show? It's kind of like an at midnight. It's these British panel shows are huge. They're like they're they mock the week. Another one. The guy who made this did last. Not last. What's that one called? Whose line is it anyway? So he's like a big swinging producer dick.

And this was a big show, 300 people in the audience, huge set. Dulce Sloan hosted it. Chanel Ali. We're all hanging out. But it was a big production. And I was just like, ah, we're funny guys. We'll go in. We'll zing and zang.

We got our ass kicked. These British guys are on the show. They're so quick. This is their whole life. So it's America versus... Versus England. Do you feel patriotic? A little. Yeah. But we sucked. So I was like, maybe I'll move here. Long live the queen. Is the show good?

I don't want to trash the show, but I felt like the funniest parts about you, they took away. I hate that. Isn't that bad? Yeah. Yeah, like, it was a lot of puns. Like, they go, what's a meat and a book? And you go, Harry Pot Roast. And you're like, what am I doing? I got an act. I'm selling tickets now. What the fuck am I doing here? But, you know, you've got to remember. I also don't think, I'm never like, I'm not a big pun guy. Like, look, there's a place for me. Sure. But.

They're easier than jokes. Yeah, and it's not... It doesn't elicit a lot of laughter. You kind of go, ah! So they're more just like applauding that you're clever? Yes, yes. It's very clever. And look, people said some funny jokes. These British guys were amazing. They were quick as shit. But they live for this. This is like their life. The way we write jokes, they write panel jokes. And...

I stayed up all night one night because it was so embarrassing how bad I bombed because how much I wasn't prepared. So I stayed up all night the next night. I brought my gal out to London. She was like, what are we doing today? I'm like, I'm writing. I'm in the hotel writing. I'm in the business center writing. Brutal. So I got my ass kicked on this show. So that'll come out soon. Is it there yet? No, it's on the CW, I think. But you're not happy with it? No, but I mean, it's a pun show. So it's not the end of the world. Damn. Ooh, it was rough.

Damn. I guess it's on me because I was like, oh, I'll just go out to London. I did some sets at night and get drunk. I was drinking at five at the pubs all day. But man, that show kicked my ass. What were they COVID testing you the whole time? The whole thing with the COVID test. See, internationally, that would stress me out so much because even if you get like a false positive, I'm just like stuck in fucking London. Yeah. And they hit you every day, multiple times a day. Wardrobe. You know, got to get your packet printed. Send in your packet. It was a lot of work.

And I had no idea. But London was awesome. Did sets at night. The crowds there are white hot. Joe listed the comedy store. We went and watched him. I mean, we had a blast. What are you pulling up, Sally? Oh, it's my impression of Mark in London. Let's see. Did you tell him the package? Yeah, I told him.

I tried everything. I was pulling out old tweets, old jokes, everything, just to try to get a laugh. Yeah, no, I hear you. But still a trip to London. I brought the lady. I bought her ticket, but I was in first class. She was in the last...

and final row of an international flight up on the bathroom wall. Wow. And I was like, oh, I felt so bad. But I went back and gave her my pillow. I'd get first class food. I'd walk it back to her just out of guilt. That's hilarious. Yeah.

I felt like I was up in the Hamptons and she was like, you know, Bed-Stuy. It's like in Weekend at Bernie's and just chilling on the roof. Remember that? Oh, yeah. The hot summer roof. Brutal. But we had a blast. And the pub culture there is so cool. I love an old pub.

pub. Oh, it's the best. Five o'clock, they're all filled out with people who got off work. They're drinking. They're socializing. I feel like they look at their phones less there. They talk more there. They interact more. Yeah. Just felt happier there. I was in Germany. Oh, here he goes. Oh, sorry. I was in Germany in Bremen.

in Berlin and I like walked into this bar total pub scene and I was like to the bartender I was like can I get the wifi he's like go enjoy your life go sit outside oh wow he didn't give it to me where was this in Berlin wow you see they're better than us go enjoy your life maybe it's for like a work thing you don't fucking know he was saying if you're here you're obviously on vacation what are you doing on your fucking phone ooh

Yeah, I don't like it. He's got a point, but he... He's got a point, but guess what? Like, tell me the fucking Wi-Fi. Yeah. Guess who doesn't like Germany? Still haven't forgiven them. The Wi-Fi offense, slightly less... Yeah, yeah. Almost as bad. Problematic, but yeah. First, they killed six million Jews. Now they won't fucking give up the Wi-Fi code. It never ends with these fucking people. Mm-hmm.

What was the bar called? Gerbils? He's still on British talk show, Mark. Yeah, I know. But Richard Gere put a gerbils up his ass. What's that? Sorry, I stepped on a gerbils. I was doing a pun. Go ahead, hit us. I said Richard Gere put a gerbils up his ass. There we go. All right. I'll tweet it. I'll sell that to a British comic.

But the shows, they're all, and we're like hot shit in London. I was going to comedy clubs like, hey, I'm Mark Norman. They're like, oh, Mark Norman, you want to go on? All that shit. So that was nice. Yeah, yeah. So you could clean up. All right. Hey, man, just taped a special in Chicago. Ooh.

Pretty happy. Oh, let's hear about it. You did something a little different than normal. Seven shows. We did seven shows. Take seven shows. Yeah, I know. I'm a fucking idiot. I couldn't help myself. Well, you get good moments, man. But I'll tell you the problem with taping seven shows is like there's a new person that comes to hang out at the show every night of the four nights of taping. Yeah. You're getting drunk every night. Yeah.

I mean, I'm at the Den in Chicago. I go in there, you know, 20 bottles of natural wine in my green room. I've got whiskey in there. I'm like, yeah, there's no wine left by the end of the week. We're fucking pounding this shit. Who stocked the green room? Hitchens? Holy shit. That's a lot of booze. Quick interjection. I was at the Comedy Connection in Providence. Yeah. And you signed the wall. Yeah. It says, great club, bad wine. Yeah.

Well, they brought me some wine back there. I'm not drinking this shit. I'm no snob, but this is going to kill me the next day. You got to be careful with the wine with the hangovers. True, true.

So you have natural wine there, stocked. Natural wine. The hangover's not as bad. I'm in a hotel with Vita. We got a good rate in this hotel. There's a sauna in the hotel. So every day we wake up, we fucking sweat out the booze. Hell yeah. Nice little routine. Yeah, it works too, man. That sauna shit works. That sauna shit is nice. It really is. There's like a lot of health benefits to sauna. If I ever hit it big, I'd do the sauna in the house. Really? Over steam? I mean, if I hit it, you know, fucking crazy. You go sauna over steam?

I'm a steam guy, I think. I don't know what the difference is. Steam is wet heat. Sauna is dry heat. I think that's the difference, right? Yeah, the sauna smells like it's got wood and stuff inside and rocks. Is that the sauna? No. Dry heat's what I called my ex. I can help you.

But, yeah, maybe. It's all smoky and steamy. Yeah. Maybe I do like sauna. No, maybe I like steam. Steam is better, I think. I like steam. I don't think you have to stay in a steam as long either. You kind of just get the, I don't know. Okay, full steam ahead. Good to know. But I would do it. I would do it. If I was a millionaire, I'd go steam room in the house. I think you're doing, you're close, buddy. Wow. I think that's a big operation. You got to break walls down and pipes and plumbing. Yeah.

I don't know. It's going to happen, buddy. It feels like a heavy duty outfit. But you get the size of maybe two phone booths just sitting in that thing. Love it. That's all you need. That's all you need? Yeah. By the way, last phone booth was taken out of Manhattan last week. Really? Yeah, it was like a big deal. Damn. No more phone booths. Not one. First they come for the phone booths, then they're coming for the yellow cabs. Yes. It's already begun. That's right. These motherfuckers.

These Uber fucks. It's not progress. Yellow cabs are good. Bring back the cabs. We need it. We all hate it. I mean, I've done it on this pod too many times. I've complained about it too much. But man, it's depressing as hell to watch these old movies and yellow cabs are everywhere. And it's going to look like a horse and carriage soon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? It's terrible. I want to get back to Chicago, though. Oh, yeah. Sorry. Sorry. Seven shows. When did you know you had it? Third show. Oh.

I mean, we got there Wednesday, and I'll say this. Wednesday was probably the worst crowd. But I also was probably the worst I was all week because you're just trying to nail it. The first tape, you're like, let me just get the jokes. So then you're not really yourself. And then once you have it, like...

Then the second show, man, we pretty much got it on the Thursday early show. I was like, yeah, I got the jokes to hit. And then the late show, I'm loose because I felt confident. And that's when I was like, oh, no, we really got the jokes to hit. So then you start riffing. You start fucking around. I started doing crowd work. I started kind of going off the cuff a little, having fun. And then when you're loose, you're like, oh, that's you. So that was once you hit the third one, then you're like, all right, now I can really. Wednesday, I might have had like a couple drinks. And then like Thursday, I'm like, I'm drinking. Nice.

Nice. Do you think you're going to cut together seven or are you going to be like, this is the main one and we're going to use pieces from one? There might be like a moment in each show that's funny, but like, yeah, because you kind of try to differentiate it a little bit just to stay engaged. Because, you know, the feeling where you just get bored with the act. Oh, yeah. You get really bored with the jokes you've been telling them on tour for so long that you're just kind of like, I just want to...

I just want to fuck around, dude. Yeah. This must have cost you a fortune. How are you going to recoup? We'll see. I mean, seven shows. I know that costs a lot of money. Calm down. You got to think he's making money doing the shows. Yeah, I know. I made money shooting tickets. We'll never know where the special will end up. Ooh. Tease. Mystery. Stay tuned.

Very exciting. But yeah, no, everything's... Don't you feel good? Because we've all recorded shit where you're like, I don't know how that was. And then Comedy Central or some weirdo group is editing it. So you're like, I hope they edit that right. But this is all you. You're good. You feel good about it. I feel pretty good. Yeah, I think it'll be good. But then you have the problem where you're like, why don't I... I gotta write a new act. Well, that's a whole other bag of hammers. It's fucking hard. Hard to keep writing new jokes. It keeps you humble, though, because...

You notice that comics that keep burning shit, you can't like yourself too much because you're not going up and killing as much as people that keep kind of playing the hit. So you got that right. You go up there and you start you get humble pretty easily. Yeah. This is why these old timers just do the same act for, you know, 20 years, because if they try a new thing and it bombs now, people are like, I thought you were a legend. So it's hard. It's a hard process. It's a tightrope. Yeah. To work that new shit out.

Yeah. Any wrecks? Well, wait, I got to ask. Hold on. Before you, if this comes out in what, August, September? Yeah. So you still got a hot two, three months to- I hope at least two months, yeah. To couch the new shit with some of the old stuff on the road. Yeah. Are you going to take a summer break at all?

I'm taking a few days off in July. I'm going to go to a resort and just chill out. Wow. Yeah. A resort. That's nice. No, good for you. You don't hear about a resort. You go in a resort very often. Well, I don't do it much, but I've been told by a lot of people that you never take a break. You need to do something where you recharge. So I'm going to give it a shot. And my friend, my buddy Chase, is going to come join me the last couple of nights. We're just going to do it up. We'll do fucking, well, you know, probably drink. We'll try to get a drink.

We'll try to have some fun. All right. Well, this is a weird way to come out of the closet. You're going up to a resort with this guy Chase who I've never heard of. I was sick of the Chase. Thought I'd bring my own. All right. Resorting to homophobe. Save that for the British shows. It's up my ass. I can't shake it.

Yeah, no, man. Any recommendations? Well, let's see. I got more peeves than Rex. Hit me with a fucking peeve, brother. It's been a while. Okay.

Oh, I did have a wreck. I did see Top Gun, but we'll talk about that. Ooh, is it good? Well, I'll just say, I'll recommend it. It's got a lot of cheese on it, you know? He has a problem with one of the other cadets, and the other cadet's like a good-looking, over-the-top, cocky guy. And then the guy with glasses is the nerd and the dweeb. It's just so cartoony. Everything's very tropey. A lot of tropes. Yeah. I'll just say that. A lot of tropes.

Too bad I had high tropes for this one. Yeah. England. England. We need to play that British music when the queen walks out every time we do a punch. Can we get that sound effect? You know, the changing of the guards or whatever they call it. The Buckingham Palace shit.

All right, that joke princess died. All right. We're back. But yeah, Top Gun is fun. I saw it with my lady. She was just like, this is so cheesy. But by the end of it, we're both fist pumping. I had a little American flag pin, and it was a good time. I mean, say what you want, but Tom Cruise is kind of like the last of the movie star type guy. Obviously, there's others, but he really is like an old school guy.

What the... Oh, that's Queen! No, I need the British shit! Jesus Christ, we can't afford that. What the hell are we doing? Long live the Queen. You just bankrupt the fucking new studio. What the hell are you doing? Sam's going to be playing that at the resort with Chase. What a... Yeah, I got it. It's H. Pylori. Got H. Pylori. We, uh...

Yeah. So go see Top Gun. It's fine. I got a movie rec for you. Okay. And I think Salacuse will back me up on this. Hustle on Netflix. Oh. Sandler's new movie. I'm excited. Taylor made for someone like me. Yes. Really? It's just like a total movie, like a basketball. It's like my friend described it as like NBA 2K, my player mode, if that were a movie. Ah.

Oh. Where you're like rising the ranks. It's awesome. Sandler fucking kills it. Kills it. Really? Kills it. He can act, man. Once I saw Punch Drunk Love, I was like, this guy's a solid actor. Yeah. Oh, it's so good. The guy who plays the star, Juancho Hernan Gomez. He's in the league. He's like, you know, he had like one good NBA season. His brother played for the Knicks, actually, Willie Hernan Gomez. And I loved Willie. He was a brick wall. But, you know, they're both from Spain. Here's the trailer. I sort of describe it as...

Jerry Maguire meets a great Armor All commercial. Or Under Armour commercial. Alright, alright. Oh, Philly, huh? Wow, producers. LeBron James. And dude, that's Kenny Smith. A lot of players are actors in it. Anthony Edwards, he's a great young player. He's funny as hell in the movie. He's really good.

He's a great young player. Is this why Sandler's been balling a lot? He's always been a baller. Oh, okay. He can play. Queen Latifah is a loving sister. She's great. Great. Always great. Lesbian. You have to think I am the best guy out there. Hey!

But also, you're watching this. I'm like, dude, if Sandler was motivating me, I could become pretty good at hoops. Yeah, yeah, totally. You buy him as a motivator. Right. Yeah, dude, it's an awesome movie. It's just a really fun, it's a really good sports movie. All right. I love a good sports movie. I dug it. I was watching it on the road. I was like, oh, this is putting me in a good place.

I'm down. I will watch it. Would the lady like it or would she hate it? Yeah, it's great. I told my agent to watch it and she and her boyfriend are like, she's texting me. She's like, this is amazing. I was like, yeah, it's awesome. And it's like Sandler just fucking, he rules, man. Good for Sandler, man. I mean...

You know, SNL, great comic to SNL to household name to then putting out some Jack and Jill's and clicks and whatnot. But when you I thought click was pretty solid. They all make the one. They all do well. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. That's true. I mean, one on Netflix. That was pretty wild.

Well, dude, you know, when you make like 30 movies, you're not going to hit a home run on every one of them. He had an epic run, you know? Epic run. But he's still running is what I'm saying. Like, he's just reinventing uncut gems. This stand-up special was fun. The later one. I liked it. Yeah, so good for him. Stay with it. Keep going.

You're telling Adam Sandler to stay with it. Yeah. Condescending fuck. This is what happens when you go to England. You go, no, stay with it, mate. Oh, boy. They're passive aggressive ninjas in England. Oh, my God. Amazing.

Well, I asked one guy, I was like, excuse me, sir, which way is Oxford Street? He's like, you got a smartphone, do you? I'm like, oh, jeez. Thanks, Nigel. That guy just zinged me. I didn't even realize it until 20 minutes later. I got a peeve for you. And this one, this is a good peeve because it comes back to me as these often do where I get annoyed and then it kind of turns into my fault.

You ever have the train coming and then the guy in front of you just takes their sweet fucking time. They block you off for the turnstile so you can't get through. Oh, yeah. This prick is like, dude, he's like, let me take it. I'm like, that's the train. Fucking move, dude. Oh, yeah. So I'm getting annoyed. So I just zing right in front of him. I cut him off. I do the old flippity flop. And then my, I'm doing the, you know, yeah, you know what's coming. The tap? Yeah, the tap. It won't read it. So now I. Now you're him. And now I'm him. Yeah.

You turned me into you, but your shittiness made me shitty. I caught shittiness from you. Interesting. Hurt people hurt people. Yeah. Wow. But at least you're trying. At least I'm trying. This guy's like fiddling with shit. Yeah. But yeah, if the train is coming, I mean, you got to hustle. That's just the rule. Oh, you have the friend too. I've had friends who are like, you know, one time I made it through a late night.

You made it through. My friend yells out, go on without me because he couldn't get through. That's a real friend. That's a friend. Yeah. Go on without me. I would never. I would never. Yeah. Tell the world my story. That's when you hold the door. That's what you do in that. And then everyone hates you for a different reason. Yeah. But you can deal with them hating it. This is a friend here.

But yeah, I'm with you. I would have jumped it at that point. I mean, come on. If the trains that you cannot miss the train. I've had girls on dates where they're like, oh, a tampon. Oh, a Luna bar. Oh, the Nuva ring. And I'm like, what are you doing? The train's here. Get that purse going. This is Mark's chance to ditch them. He just hops over like later. Yeah. She was like, don't wait for me. I was like, you got it.

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Don't wait for me. When I first started dating Stacy, she's not from New York and I am. And you know how you walk on the train, you kind of like stay there until someone pushes you a little bit? So I led and I was expecting her to push, you know, to push me in. And she didn't and the doors closed and she was on the outside and I was on the inside. And I turned around and she's like this.

I know. She should have just left me then. Yes. The train leaves, never sees me again. Did you have phones at the time? No, no. This is like 2005. Wow. You just lost her. Yeah, I was like, I'll see you. Damn. Whoa.

Oh, man. That's when you have to communicate, like, meet you at the next stop or something like that. Damn, that's old school. Wow. Would you get in a phone booth after that? The last caller. Yeah. By the way, I went to a phone booth, like, I don't know, 2009, I saw one, and I was like, oh, phone booth, and I got in it, just smelled like piss and miscarriage. I was like, all right, fuck it. I'm good. It was like this nostalgic, cool moment that it just was ruined by...

Some hobo piss. I definitely pissed in a lot of phone booths. There you go. When you get drunk, when you're young, you're like, this is a place to pee.

All right. I got so many peeves I can't pick. You got to save some. I'll save some. But yeah, hit me with another. All right. How about this guy? I met this kid and he was like a young comic and we were hanging out and he was nervous. He was just anxiety riddled. You're going to break so many young comics who listen to this hard. I'm not going to say. He's done this before where he's like, this comic from this weekend. It was Luke Bonet.

This guy, sweet kid, he's probably like 20 or 21, and he was just kind of a keyed up squirrely kid. And he would do a thing that would drive me crazy where he would say, huh, after every question just to buy him some time to think about it. So, like, ask me a question. How was England? Huh?

Oh, England was good. England was good. He just needs a little more time, you know, but it was driving me crazy because I would go, how was England? And repeat it. And then now I'm repeating it and then he's answering it. So now we're butting up against each other. So like ask me like three questions in a row. Where did you stay in England? Huh?

Oh, I stayed at the Langham. What? No, where the show was good? Huh? Where the show was good? Oh, the shows were great. Shows were great. He's killed the rhythm now. Yes, the rhythm is ruined. The rhythm's gone. Yeah, the rhythm's going to get you. And this guy was, I couldn't get a conversation going. And then even if I tried, I didn't want to because it was so frustrating with the huh.

Huh? What's her name who sings that again? Which one? Gloria Estefan. Yeah, dude, Tom McCaffrey. You know that joke? No. Great joke. He used to say, like, when people were like, that song changed my life. He's like, yeah, that never has happened, ever. It's never, like, I used to be, I used to work in a deli. Now I'm a Navy SEAL, all thanks to Gloria Estefan's rhythm is going to get you. I don't know that joke. I'm fucking up the algorithm here. Oh, shit. This is my New Orleans stuff. This is a song called Huh? Huh?

That's right, juvenile. Huh? But he's saying it. Every sentence ends in uh-huh. Let me ask Mark another question. This is a woman in 2015. Do you have H. pylori? Uh-huh.

I do, thanks to you. That's what I wrote on the green room wall. Great club, badass. Eating butt, dude. You're reckless. Well, I just got out of like a 12-year relationship and eating ass was like the new thing. So I was just like, I'm in. I'd put a napkin in my shirt. I'd bring a fork and a knife and I'd go to town. Oh, yeah. Gotta do it. Do you know who does that ha thing is Rich Voss.

Huh? Yeah. But then he comes back right after. He doesn't make you say the question again. He says, huh? And then he fucking jabs you. Yeah, he needs just one millisecond to zing you. You know what another big one is when they go, ask me a question, somebody. What was that?

Give me like a full six. Where are you from, Mark? Who, me? I said your fucking name. I said Mark, yeah. What the hell? Who, me? No, we're in a phone booth together. Yeah, I'm talking to you. My dick's out. You talking to me? Huh? Yeah. Who, me? Yes, yes, you. Yeah, that was the original taxi driver. You talking to me? Then he's looking in the mirror. Who, me? Huh? Huh? Yeah. All right.

So yeah, that drove me fucking crazy. And then just to be in a green room every weekend. And I started doing it to him. He'd go, so I go, so where are you from? And then he'd go, huh? And I'd say, huh, at the same time. And he didn't like that. Wow. Yeah, but I just couldn't take it anymore. Should we do some news? Hell yeah. Oh, please. What do we have for the news? Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Cronkite.

What do we have? All right. We have. Do you want to read them or? You read them. All right. Are you lapeled? Yes. Okay, just checking. I didn't see a microphone. Dave lapeled. Let's go. Urine trouble no more. Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority hopes with a new program to tackle public urination in the system's elevators with technology. What? The MBTA. What?

which services Boston and the surrounding area, is launching a pilot program this summer in which urine detection sensors will be placed in four downtown elevators. Whoa. We're just talking about pissing in phone booths. Whoa. The sensor alerts the transit ambassadors. That's a bit lofty. Ha ha ha.

I'm a transit ambassador. Get your piss bucket. Yeah, you pick up urine, you fucking... What do you do for work? I'm an MTA diplomat. I clean shit. The transit ambassador will dispatch a cleaning crew. Wow. That's a rough one. I'm glad this wasn't on my mattress as a child. I would have gone straight to prison. This is terrifying. What a weird use of technology.

I know. You can sense piss. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like our priorities are out of whack. Like, we have hungry people. We have filthy water. We have all this shit going on, and we're working on this. Well, I think it fucks up. I think it kills an elevator. Like, it's not just the smell. It can, like, badly damage the... Oh. I mean, the smell sucks. I think, I mean, what they really should do is have, like, a low-yield shock that comes up the piss into your penis. Yeah.

No. Why not? You shouldn't be pissing in there in the first place. I don't think that's okay. I think that's way worse than pissing on the thing. Really? Getting a shock on your dick? How many times would you piss in an elevator after that? Zero. I know, but you're using violence on someone's dick? Yeah, what is this? All right, Lorena Bobbitt. Jesus Christ.

Yeah, also, you're going to be hooking up with a girl later. You're like, watch out for my dick. She's like, herpes? Like, elevator. Like, pissed. Also, can you imagine peeing in an elevator and an alarm goes off? Oh.

That's fucking terrifying. That is scary. Yeah. You know what else wasn't a picnic was back when you were a kid and they started putting that liquid shit in the water of a pool where when you pee, it would turn green. You remember that? Yeah. It was some chemical. Not really. I think that was a wives tale to get kids not to do it. Oh, well, I was a big pool peer. Who was? Did it ever change color? Oh, you were too? Every kid does. All right.

I mean, that's the thing. Whenever I see kids in a pool on the road, I'm like, fuck. Oh, yeah. It's just a... It's a toilet. Yeah. It's a giant toilet. It is. It's a... I mean, I definitely have peed on the street, like, a lot in my life. Me too. But it's also, like, you have to think, if you're peeing in an elevator, like, that's usually... You're either piss drunk or it's, like, an only or last resort. Yeah, yeah. Right? Because, like...

You're drunk. You're homeless. You can't find somewhere to pee. Yeah. I don't know. I remember I got handcuffed. I used to do a bit about this. I got handcuffed by a cop once. I was shit-faced. And he goes, you were not seriously peeing on the street. And I said, no, I'm doing it ironically. I got handcuffed. And he let me go. Yeah. I've gotten caught three times peeing in public. It's a bummer. But...

You know my street? I live on a little weird kind of alley type street. Yeah. And everybody pisses on my street. You know, McDougal's right there. It's like a party bar strip. Yeah. So I live a block off that. So my street is just piss central. And I can see them from my apartment. I'll like tap my lady like, yep, got another one. You can't help it. You can't help what? It was like an alley. So you kind of, yeah, I walk down your block and I'm like, I do have to go. Yeah, you see. It's a toilet. Electric shock.

All right. I'm not with the electric shock. I don't think that's okay. How about pouring a glass of water on them? Pouring a glass of water? How about pouring a glass of piss on them? Oh. Ah, what's good for the goose is good for the gander. All right. Okay, we got another one. Never heard the expression used like that before. Pour some pee on it. It's good for you. It's a good move.

So we have another one here. Yeah. In the wiggle of a nose, a man partially covered the bewitched statue in Salem with red paint. Witnesses called police around 5 p.m. Monday to report someone spray painting the bronze statue. Captain so-and-so says... She got carried. Yeah. The statue depicts Elizabeth Montgomery as lead character of Samantha Stevens from the 1960s sitcom Bewitched.

Sitting on a broomstick. I did not know. So this is crazy that Bewitched in Salem. That's funny.

I think they knew what they were doing. Yeah. No, I think they shot some of it in Salem. But that's crazy. Salem witch trials, right? Yeah. But then a guy is still upset about witches, apparently? Maybe. I don't know. Do you think he's really mad about the show? I think he probably just saw a statue he wanted to vandalize. That'd be hilarious if he just hated old school TV. He's like, next we're going to egg the leave it to Beaver House. Yeah, I don't know. This is very strange, but...

Half red, this is very symbolic. Something's up. Something's up. It's also like... Seems satanic. It's satanic and also it's Salem. Like this is where witches were hung. Witches. They weren't real witches. They were killed. Yeah. And now it's like if they put a fucking Larry David statue in Auschwitz or something. Oh my God. Right, right. Good point. It's weird. That's true. You put it right in the heart of it.

Interesting. All right, we've got one more here. Boy, people are weird. People have too much time on their hands. This is from Charlotte, North Carolina. Federal authorities say a man has been arrested in Charlotte, North Carolina, after he was stopped in the city's airport with more than 23 pounds of cocaine concealed in seat cushions of a motorized wheelchair. Woo!

Wheelchair. Back to Hawking. Hawking's going quick today. Talk about a jazzy. This guy's a real rascal. That's 23 pounds. That's a lot. That is a lot. So they ripped apart the wheelchair and they found, I bet they were thrilled that there was cocaine in there because they were like, wow, that must have been, if you rip apart someone's wheelchair. Yeah. Was he really handicapped? No way. Oh, here it is. Whoa.

Do you think he was actually handicapped or do you think it was just a move? I think it was a move. I think it was a move. And how did they find him? Was it a dog sniff? Because you see a guy in that wheelchair, you're going to let him roll right by you. Also, I don't think that's an international airport. I'd be surprised if there were dog sniffers there. CLT, definitely an international. It is? Oh, yeah. Charlotte's a huge airport. It's a hub. Yeah. Is that the one with the rocking chairs?

Let's get the rocking chairs in there because they're like, we're Southern. I think so. I think it is. Charlotte, by the way, the CLT, I always think of clit when I book that. I couldn't find the airport. Oh, shit. This is a weird one. Yeah, what is going on with Bieber here? I have a Bieber story here that's not this. Oh, here it is. Justin Bieber said, oh, boy.

His face has been paralyzed. Whoa. And is canceling shows until he gets better. Half paralyzed. Excuse me, half paralyzed. It's from the Ramsey something. Ramsey what's it called? Let's hear him tell it. I can't smile on this side of my face. Wait, pause it a sec. I think my ex-girlfriend had that on both sides of her face. Oh, can't smile.

So there's full paralysis in the side of my face. Oh, man. Justin Bieber gives us a new health update. Crazy, right? Yeah. Well, he's super young to have this. What is it? What's it called? Ramsey something? What's it? Ramsey Hunt? Well, this usually hits people who are like over 60 at least. He's in his 20s, I think. Yeah, yeah.

Is it a stressing cocaine thing? No, it's an ear virus that then fucks up your face. Yeah. Holy shit. So anyone could get it. If it's a virus, you can catch it. Yeah. H by Lori. Also a virus. Wow. But dude, that's like if you got that and then it fucked your dick up. Right.

You know what I mean? Like, that's crazy that it's... So it goes in your ear and then fucks your face up. I mean, that's crazy. And half paralyzed. Is there a recovery process? I'm sure. I think it's... Yeah, I think you can recover, but it's... I mean, he canceled a tour. I mean, think about how much money we lose if we cancel a tour. And then think about what Justin Bieber just lost. Multi, multi millions. Crazy. That's terrible, yeah. I think he'll come out swinging. He's religious, too. So what does that say about God? God.

Where's your God now, Biebs? I guess you're not a Belieber. We've got some hot Salem witch news. People give God credit when he does that. More Salem witch? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Three centuries after being convicted of hocus pocus. Yeah.

The last Salem witch, in quotes, has been officially pardoned by the state of Massachusetts. Elizabeth Johnson Jr. found herself in hot water in 1693 when Puritans caught up in the Salem witch craze came knocking on her door. At only 22 years old, Johnson joined dozens of others, including her own mother, on the chopping block as a frenzy of folks

declared them witches and sentenced them to death. Yeah. I mean, that's, I don't know about the Apollo. I mean, why do you have to do a pardon three centuries later? Like clearly you weren't a part of this. I know it's such a, again, a waste of time. It's all symbolic, I guess. It's symbolic, but Amber Heard's next. You mean getting pardoned? No, no, getting burned. I think that's already happened. Yeah, that's true. It's a witch hunt folks.

That's the modern day witch. Yeah. I think people get annoyed with their town or back to Germany. They're super obsessed with feeling bad about the Holocaust. You can't make a Holocaust joke. You can't make a Jew joke. It's illegal to make a Jew joke in Germany. So people just feel bad. You get arrested on stage if you do that? You get arrested. Really? In a bar, you get arrested. Who's watching? I think somebody could report you. Well, Jews can make a Jew joke. I don't know. I bet no one will laugh.

I think it's just too like, oh shit, the guilt. I feel like that's the least you could let us make jokes. I agree. Yeah. Yeah.

That'd be great if they're like, you're on trial for making a Jew joke in Germany. How fucking ironic would that be? Yeah, I know, right? You get the gas chamber. I'm sorry. Yeah, but I was about to say, do Jews live in Germany? But then I realized, well, black people live here. Do Jews live in Germany? Absolutely. That was a dumb question, but just take it out loud.

What uh, alright. I don't know if I'd want to live in Germany. Or maybe you would, because everybody would be really nice to you. If you're Jewish. Yeah, it's probably just fine now. Probably fine. Oh yeah, should we, do we have a camera on that, Matt? The bodega? I get it, I get it. Whoa, baby! What's that? What's that you're holding, Mark? Oh, how do you like them apples, huh? Here's H by Lori. Here we go, bodega cat. It's here.

Is this the unveiling of the name and everything? Oh, yeah. The whole kitten caboodle, the bottle, the label. It looks good, man. So what happened? Chris brought you one in Chicago. Yeah, very exciting. He showed up. So Christopher, who we're in business with for Bodega Cat-

Not only did he bring Bodega Cat, he brought a Talisker 35-year-old bottle to my taping. Let's just say that did not make it through the first night. Wow. We killed that pretty quickly. Incredible peaty scotch. And then, I mean, this is... It's really great whiskey. It is. I can't wait for you to try it. It's really... I'm drinking it with people. My agent, she's drinking it, and she goes...

I never have drank whiskey straight up that I could handle. This is so smooth. Crack it open. No, it's great. We will crack it open. We're going to crack it open. I just want to pour some in here right now. Pour some in. All right. I didn't know if I could. Yeah. Woo-hoo. Very exciting. Yeah, remember, I mean, for the folks at home, we tried, what, nine, ten samples of rye, and this was the winner for sure. Yeah. Ah, that's fucking good. This is, by the way, our normal shit will be...

I think 45%. This is 50%. Hell yeah. For some reason. I don't know why. I think it's like... Take a little pull off that, huh? 12 years sober down the drain. Woohoo! Bodega Cat! We might be drunk. I was with Gary Veeder, who doesn't normally drink. But for my special week, he was drinking every night.

He's a fun drunk, too. He's a fun drunk, and he was another one who was like, this is fucking good, Bodega Cat. You know what? Bodega Cat's a great name for this is because when you're in a bodega and the cat shows up, you're fucking happy. You got that right. There's something about that cat popping. We were like, ah.

Yes. You're never bummed to see a bodega cat. No, I always pet it. They sleep on the bread. They're adorable. And they keep the mice out. People in Nebraska don't know what a bodega is or a bodega cat. It's like a little corner store. And then what is the bodega cat? I think they have bodegas all over the country. Yeah, it's a corner store, a convenience store, usually run by a normal guy, not a corporation. And.

they always have a cat there because they kill the mice and they keep the store friendly. And they're usually open late. That's kind of the perk of the stores. You can pop in there. In New York, at least, you can pop in there at midnight and get a hoagie. You got that right. Yeah, you get a little, you know. What's your late night sandwich? What do you get? I go...

turkey on a roll. Love it. Love it. Lettuce, tomato, mayo, onion, salt, pepper, vinegar. Any pickle or no? I'll do pickle if they have pickle and I'll do cheese. I'll fuck with a jalapeno too. Oh yeah. Hey. Hey. This is it gang.

I never thought it'd be here. People on the road, when's the whiskey? It's really fucking good. I mean, it's really quality. Matt, you want to take a sip? I don't drink hard alcohol. I mean, but this is... I'll make an exception. Just a smooch. Just take a kiss. Here, you want to... Yeah, take some of Mark's right there. Just kiss it. Just let it hit the lips. Give it a kiss. Just the tip, dude. Yeah. Just suck that fucking... Sorry. Go ahead. Oh, it smells good. All right.

It's like notes of caramel and vanilla. Yeah. It really is. It's really good. Yeah, I don't like that stuff, and that's good. All right. That doesn't have that burn that I normally feel. That's really good. You can go through a bottle of this like that. I mean, this is quality stuff. Bodega cat. I'm fucking pumped for you guys to try this. It's coming so soon. I would say hopefully within the month we'll see...

You know what really happens here with this, but... Comedy clubs, they're going to have it, theaters, whatever. Well, we have to get through legal in certain states. Like, we have to... I mean, apparently New York's a real bitch to get through. Yeah. You know. That fucking watch. We've got to do something about that watch. Got to figure out the watch. Yeah.

It's broken. I just watched the documentary on the guy who invented Rolex. Very fascinating. Yeah? We'll get to that later. Dude, I just watched the Carlin doc, part one and two. Oh! We gotta talk about that. I mean, I don't know how long we're going here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We gotta run bits soon, too. Oh, yeah. But the Carlin doc was fucking amazing. What did you like about it? It's inspiring.

I mean, look, it inspired me to be a better comic and a worse husband and father. No, he was an incredible comic and that he was able to reinvent himself so many times. Yeah. That he became corny in the 80s to people. They're like, oh, he's mocked. And then he used that as fuel and came back stronger than ever. And like 90s Carlin's my favorite Carlin, I think. Oh, really? Yeah, probably me too. Because he was...

finding himself and going hard but also staying silly. Yeah. He was really awesome. And also, Carlin was not personal. He was very society this, society that, words this, words that. This, like, talk about his wife, his daughter, his upbringing,

and the whole thing. So that was fascinating. I didn't know he was kicked out of the... He was kicked out of school, high school, college. Ninth grade dropout. Ninth grade dropout. Really goes to show formal education is overrated. I mean, think about some of the smartest people you know. It's like Colin Quinn. It's not for free thinkers. No. I mean...

Look, I guess everything is what you make of it. But all I'm saying is if you're a dropout, you could still be one of the smartest fucking people. There's no reflection on intelligence. Yeah. Yeah. And just as a comedian and an artist or whatever you want to call it, he did everything first. Like, I see comics now doing shit. I'm like, Carlin did that 30 years ago, 25 years ago. That's how hip it still is. I know.

I know. And there's a reason the right wing, the left wing, they all post clips of Carlin. Cause they're like, we like him. No, we like him, but it's just, you couldn't put him in a box. You couldn't put him in a box. Exactly. He was just a comic just making observations. Yeah, no. Carlin is, uh, we got to get, I think we need some comics. We need in this wall who we've lost. We got Geraldo, Norman Saget. We got Rodney. We need prior Carlin, Joan Rivers, Patrice, Patrice. Let's get some other, if you want to send stuff in guys, uh,

How are we going to do that in the future, Matt? We'll figure it out. Can we give the address? Gotham Studios? Did you change it on Google? All right. Well, there you go. Give Google. Give that a Google. Gotham Studios, New York City. It's on 30. 251 West 39th. There you go. 16th floor. Don't come by and visit us, though. That would get weird. We'll figure this out. We might have to change this. Did you just say the floor?

Yeah. If they get the building, they could figure it out. There's a guy with a gun out front. Those cycles will go to every floor. Don't make those jokes right now, Salamanca. Jesus Christ. All right, just me with a knife. I do have those fears on stage sometimes. I'm like, am I going to die like Peter Finch in the end of Network? Am I going to be mid-jokes and dudes just show up with guns like... Yeah, it could happen. What a way to go, though. I mean, shit.

I always wonder, like, if Chappelle got stabbed, God forbid, would people drop the hate? Or would they be like, problematic comedian got stabbed. I think if anyone, if that headline formed, people would fucking go nuts, I think. You can't. That's true. I mean, anyone who's okay with violence in response to jokes is a piece of shit. I agree.

And dumb. And they're not factoring in something horrible could have happened. Oh, the guy who went at him had a fucking weapon. And he's in jail for life. You see that? Later they found out he tried to kill a guy. Pull it up. I think he got arrested. I don't think he's in jail for life. I didn't see that. I think it's murder. Attempted murder.

Pull it up. But yeah, either way, Bodega Cat's coming. It's on the way. It's in the flesh right here. We can touch it. We can drink it. So it's just got to get through this legal shit. Yeah, but we just wanted you all to know this isn't a fucking game. No. This is coming. Hell yeah.

Thanks, Chris. This is exciting. I remember when we first were talking about this, and now it's like it's a thing. I know. It's crazy that it's like a thing you can touch. It's pretty wild. And it's so daunting when you start it. Like, what are we going to do? How are we going to do a label? How are we going to try it? How are we going to taste it? But just chip away slowly, and we got there. I think the guy's name is Elijah White. Elijah. Uh-oh. Oh, boy. Jeez. Terrifying.

Looks like the Grinch. Oh, my God, it does. Come on. He stole the Hollywood Bowl show. He stole comedy. He's charged with attempted murder. Thank you. Wow, you're right. I don't know if it's on Chappelle or other. No. Another guy, another guy. Oh, from some other guy. Some other guy. Who wrote that headline? You. I know, right? Nice and vague. It's like Mulaney's old joke. He said, the Post sounds like somebody texted you the news. Bozo and Queens hit lady or something.

Bozo is such a fucking underrated word. They always do Bozo. Bozo is such like an old New York type of word. Yeah, Trump would say Bozo a lot. You Bozo? Yeah.

Trump, when he's doing shit, like it is like a comic just trying to figure out a joke, except Trump is going for like cheers. Right. You know what I mean? You just see him fishing. He's like, oh, they're cheering. I'll use that. That'll make the top 45. You know what I mean? That'll be the clip. Yeah, exactly. Should we do bits before we get out of here? Yeah, let's do some bits. I mean, you, who needs bits more than this guy? I'm fucking dying, bro. The well is dry. You got to start from scratch, baby. All right. All right. I got a couple ideas here.

What do you got? Now tell me if this has been done because it's starting to click on stage. It's new and still clunky, but it feels like it's starting to get momentum.

I still think it's weird that we slut shame in 2022. Like, you know, we have all this progress. Have you done this one on the pod before? Have I done this? About Native Americans? Okay, no, never mind. Okay. So I think the best time to be a promiscuous lady was Native American time, like Inca, Aztec, because they sacrificed virgins to the gods. So being promiscuous could save your life. You know, like the chief comes up. He's like, hey, the crops are dying. We got to sacrifice a virgin. Are you a virgin? I'd be like,

Huge whore. Huge whore. What are you kidding? I give the best arrowhead on this side of the wigwam. I put the hoe in Navajo. And I like that system better. They get rid of the boring gals and they keep the fun ones. So now you've got a chief up on the volcano going, you should have fucked me. Whoa. Should have fucked me. So you're actually getting penalized for being a virgin. And also, are they sacrificing male virgins ever? Because then you've got the angle of the guy being like, but I've been trying. Oh, that's good.

I'll use that. I like that. The male virgin. Yeah. I don't think they care about male virgins. Yeah. And yet, the male virgins in this country are the ones angry and killing people. They're the ones sacrificing people. Yeah, exactly. Okay. In cells. Hiya, hiya. Hiya. All right, I'm getting too brave. All right.

All right. I got an idea. All right. I'll play with that. That's good. Good angle. Good angle. Here's my idea. It's like, all right. So I think it's crazy that you don't realize what, like, gambling was illegal in the

almost everywhere in the country just a few years ago. And now every time you turn on the TV, it's like FanDuel, DraftKings. It's just gambling nonstop. It makes you wonder what's going to be legal in five years. Are you going to be watching Monday Night Football? They go to break and it's like, whores, whores, whores. Oh, that's great. We'll bring the cocaine. Yes. And there's some angle I think could be maybe we're like ages 17 and up because that's the age of consent now. Yeah.

Right, right. Well, we did it with weed, too. Yeah, weed is another one. And now they're like a lot of... I think San Francisco just legalized drugs because of all the heroin use. But that's good. That's good. What will be legal...

You know, one guy, I like the guy who's like, come on, incest. We got gambling. We got weed. Come on, pedophilia. They start weed in like Portland. Maybe they start incest in like Kentucky or something. Yes, yes, exactly. You're gambling on having a fucked up kid. Yeah.

But yeah, it's so true. We even did it with gay marriage. I remember Obama being like, gay marriage is immoral or whatever the hell. I remember even thinking then as a younger guy, that's not going to last. Well, some people, they'll go to the Supreme Court or they'll testify before Congress or something where they'll say, we need to legalize weed. You'll get someone. But then no one's going to do that with incest. No one's going to show up like, guys, come on. Right, right.

It's not a cool thing to push. Yeah. Look at my sister. Come on, man. Cheech and Chong want to be the face of weed. No one wants to be the face of incest. You know? Yes, yes. That's a bad face. We've all seen that kid. He's not looking good. But yeah, there's a lot here. There's something here. You can just make a list of all the things that are still illegal and just plug those into commercials. Yeah. All right. Yeah, weed. We're playing, guys. We got weed.

I need a new act. Scratch-offs were always legal, which I never got. Because I'm like, isn't that gambling? Yeah, what the hell? Is it because it's so cheap? Hold on. He's got something. When I was a kid, riverboats were big. You weren't allowed to gamble, but you could have a gambling on incest cruises. Okay, go on the boat. Yeah, I fucked my cousin, but it was on the water. I see. All right.

Incest cruise. I'm telling you. I'm going to start that myself. That's a million dollar idea. No, but I think, yeah, I think... Mom, I booked a cruise. Give me a minute. Right. You know, people go on vacay, like bachelor parties in Vegas. Bachelor party at the family reunion. Oh, my God. I'm hung up on the incest thing. I have a hot cousin.

Should we, we should say guys, we have all these cool glasses on. We might be drunk. Is it? We might be drunk pod.com. Yeah. We might be drunk pod.com. The Patreon is patron.com slash. We might be drunk pod. Uh,

We're growing. Questions. A lot of big guests coming up. Yeah, Mark, where are you going to be on the road, bro? I'm all over. I don't know when this comes out. Sunday, right? Oh, okay. Well, this weekend coming up, I'm in Irvine, California at the Irvine Improv. Come on out. Say hi. I rarely get out to L.A. to do a full weekend, so this will be a banger. And I'm doing the Fully Loaded Tour with Bert. He asked me to plug that because that's like baseball stadiums and racetracks, so that's going to be a lot of tickets.

And MarkNormanComedy.com, Irvine Improv, The Vogel in Red Bank, New Jersey. We just added a show. Wise Guys, Salt Lake City, Houston Improv, San Antonio LOL, Comedy Off-Broadway in Lexington, Richmond, Funny Bone, West Palm Beach, and...

All kinds of good stuff. Boston, Portland, Seattle, Brea, you name it. So praise Allah. We're going everywhere. We got Cleveland, Ohio, Houston, Texas, West Palm Beach, Buffalo, San Jose, Pittsburgh, Dania Beach, so many more coming up.

I'll be in LA or Irvine, all that shit soon too. I'll be in all over the country. So samorell.com slash shows. Love it. Build a new act. Yes. It's going to be awesome. That's what I was going to say. If you're a real comedy fan and you want to see a real comedian working on a new act, this is a cool thing to see. It's a really positive spin on it. I'm trying.

Go see this guy bomb all over the country. No, great to see you guys again. Missed you all. Yeah. This is fantastic. Great new studio. Great new studio. Huge guests are coming. Big guests. You're going to love the huge guests. We got great comics. We got Carlin coming in. He's pretty wild. You already have watched it, but our boy Stav, Stavi Baby, Stavros Halkias, his new special is Crushing. Crushing. It's a great special. Give it a watch. We love you guys. Thanks for listening. Bodega.

♪ Feeling dangerous ♪ ♪ So look here and do ♪