Ep 78: Ari Shaffir w/ The Boulevardier Flannel Boys
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Hey, hey, folks. Here we are. We might be drunk. You know what it is. You know where it is. The beer Jew's got the stomach flu. So Sam is behind the bar. We got the hard liquor Jew over here. Yes, exactly. We've kicked it up a notch. The hard liquor hebe. I'm making old pals today because we're all old pals. That's the name of the drink? Yeah, it's one part Campari. That's a parent's drink.

Yeah, it's good stuff. One part Campari, one part dry vermouth, and one part whiskey. I don't know whose scent is this, but it looks kind of funky. What is it? Is that Britney Spears on the cover? Who is that? Zoe Kravitz? Matt, do we know who this is? No idea. It's not Britney Spears. That's all we know.

All right. This is perfect. I think right before I asked if she would sleep with me. That's the face. I should say Ari Shafir is our guest. Thank you. Speaking of Jews, we got the King Jew. You're an ex-rabbi. You've been to Israel. You killed Arafat. I don't know. I was a fan of this show when it was still named. Fuck, I forget the name of it. What was it called at the beginning? What was it? This is Sweet Vermouth. We already have a problem. It's called for Dry Vermouth. Well, you're about to make a new drink.

Oh, yeah. Invent a new drink. This is a new pal. This is a Boulevardier now is what we're making. That's fine. Both great drinks. Both underrated. You know all these. We're a run-up beer podcast. We have a drinking podcast. We're selling a liquor soon. Hopefully it's out by the time this is out and you're out of the closet. I'll promote it at all my underground clubs. Yes. And welcome to the flannel panel, by the way. We look like a couple of lesbians in here. Really doing it up. Flannel boys. We're a real Portland crowd. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Exactly. So yeah, Sam's hitting the ones and twos. He's going to make a couple of libations, and then we'll all have a cocktail. What was that, a first name of the podcast? I remember promoting it from a waterfall in Ecuador. One More Drink. One More Drink. But there was a podcast that had like six episodes of One More Drink, so we're like, I guess we shouldn't do it. Yeah. But I don't even think they were on anymore.

You should have them on. One more drink was the spirit of the show. It was like the end of the night when your friend is like, I got to go. And you're like, one more. That's the last time I was at the cellar with I hadn't seen Sam in forever. And is it the village underground with him and Shane?

We're all like, oh, yeah, busting balls. And you were like, you drink. Like, no, I got to go. And it really was that like, all right, one more drink. One more. We had an epic one. Me, you, you, us three at the Village Underground bar upstairs. Casamigos night. And I remember we opened the door and it was sunny. Yeah. It's that one more. Like, I'll get this round.

Oh, well, you got the last walk in this one. And then, damn, and you see the cracks of light coming in. I know. And you know you've done something. Yes. You know you've done New York right. And then you have to readjust your schedule. Like, okay, I was supposed to do this at 1. I'll sleep through that. I'll move that at 8 to 8, you know. It's crazy, though, because when you stay up all night drinking and you see that morning that you never see, that brisk morning, it's like warmer than it is. Yeah. And you feel like you've accomplished something and you're a winner instead of the actuality, which you're a huge loser for drinking all night. There's a guy sweeping. Well, it's because of the Rat Pack.

picture we all are like it's the rat pack picture it's like no we're at the fucking cellar yeah it's not the we're not in vegas with sinatra the rat pack doesn't have to be on for a podcast good point but yeah you see the garbage men show up you see the guys unlocking the businesses and putting the metal gate up and you're like if it was all if the society was just us it would crumble yeah thank god you guys exist and by that i mean immigrants i was i was walking around edinburgh

And early in the morning, I saw some random guy who was stocking a Sainsbury's, like a grocery store. Yeah. He was like, oh, he recognized me. He's like, what are you doing? I'm like, just walking around. I was like, what are you doing? He's like, I'm delivering groceries to the stores. What are you doing up so early? I'm like, up so late, bro. Acid will take you. Oh, hey, come on.

in hot here. I hope these are good. Thank you. Guys, you can get your We Might Be Drunk bottle of drinks, glasses at home right now. They're pretty cool. Look at these. Yeah, they are. And we might be drunk pod dot com. You got that right. We sold out. Let's give it a shot here. That's pretty good. That's not bad. That's nice. It's not Campari. It really does remind me of brunches at my parents' house. Really? Campari and orange.

Oh, Campari Shafir. I like it. All right. All right. Mark is like a video game where it just aligns upon. It's like Plinko through the pegs of autism. Plinko. I can't do anything with numbers, and I think it all went to letters and words with me. I have dyscalculia. Wow. Is that the name of it? Yeah. That's what they call it. Sounds made up. He's the kind that cannot count jelly beans.

Ooh. That's exactly right. We can tell you what flavors there are. Yeah. Man, this is fucking good. This is good, dude. Boulevardier. We were going to do Old Pals. I'm glad. That's the great thing about alcohol. You don't have one ingredient. You throw it in. That's basically how every drink was created, I bet. I think you're right. We don't have this. We'll just have this. The only difference is sweet vermouth to bitter vermouth.

Yeah. Wow. Yeah, some guy was making a gin martini. He didn't have gin. He said, fuck it, we'll do vodka. There you go. Wow, there's a drink. Interesting. That's the history of most drinks. Oh, yeah. You know how French fries were invented? How? Fun fact. I love these little douchey, queefy stories, but some French millionaire was eating in a restaurant in France, in Paris, and he was like, I want my potatoes...

fried more. And they're like, all right. So they fried them up. And he was like, I want more. I want them crispy. Oh, it was how they made potato chips. And he's like, I want them flatter. And he was just being a dick. And the guy just kept, he was like, all right, fuck this guy. We're making these flat as shit and hard as shit. He's going to hate them. And he loved them. And they started selling out. Yeah.

Damn. And then he tried the same thing with Oreos and they were like, you're trash. You're garbage. Try an Oreo. Get to a fair. Have you had those? Yeah. It's too much. At carnoils and shit. Yeah. It is too much. It really is. Split it with somebody unless you want to end up in a scooter. Dude, I get pissed. I get really pissed a lot on my For You page on Instagram or TikTok. That's what always comes up is the...

It's like you're taking good food and making it shittier. I get the idea. But like I saw one the other day. A guy has a steak. Maybe you could find this. And it's like baby bell cheese. Oh, yeah. He puts it in the middle, folds it, dips it in flour, deep fries it. And I'm like, you just ruined a steak.

Yes. That's all you did. I know. It never ends with these people. You know, it's like the double down or whatever the hell at KFC. The bowl, the sadness bowl that Patton Oswalt did. But it's true. We just have to keep going. You know, we have to fry a Twinkie. It's like, when does it end? It's like, it's already pretty fucking good. I know. It's made for, like,

To be ready. Oreos are good. They're classic. I like the vanilla. Yeah, I love the chocolate gets too much after a while. I know one or two is OK, but I'd rather over. Do you ever get the double or triple stuffs? Yeah. Do you know they make all stuffs?

Just the fillings. Jesus. How does it hold? It's in a tube. Shut up. Are you making this up? I might be. As I said it, it doesn't sound real. I can see ice. What? A tube of just the middle? Is that just a box? Yeah, it's a tube. That's like heroin. You want to cut it with a knife and go, it's pure. A cop puts a knife. Oh, you pieces of shit. You're going down hard. What?

Wow. That looks amazing. I mean, ISIS sees that and they go, we got to go back and bomb them again. Maybe we should change our name to I-Sing. Oh.

Then everyone would like ISIS. I know. It's a problem. I just did a rebrand. These guys aren't bad. Guys, you had to dismiss. I had that rapper Rodney. I think Liz gave it to me. Yeah. I think he had like seven copies. Classic. One of the best. Just the idea that he tied a handkerchief around his neck is hilarious. Oh my God. It looks all right. You're all right. He just went to a thrift store for the cover of that. Oh yeah.

It's weird that his shirt is torn and dirty. I don't know what that has to do with rapping. We gotta make you look gross and filthy. He knew so little about the rap world that he's like, it's this, right? It's just gross people? Right. He looks like a coal miner for some reason. He looks like he's just like the gay guy in the YMCA song. The village people. That too, yeah. They're gay. Yeah. They won't show the ends of the boombox too because they're holding it up with strings. He's that old. Yeah. Yeah.

I got one triple lindy left in me and that's it. Also weird to put the boom, I mean, you'd blow your ear out, wouldn't you? I would go the other way with the speaker. A lot of those early rappers are having serious hearing problems. Are they? The hearing aid? Yeah. That would be a bummer to see a rapper with a hearing aid. I know. It really would be. You don't want to live that long. Yeah, old rat like Snoop Dogg is hanging out with Martha Stewart. He's got a cookbook. It's weird to watch the, you know, he used to be like a badass murderer. He stayed. Pimp slap.

He stayed badass. Did you see that Kirby Enthusiasm video with him? No. Oh, he makes a rap to the Kirby song. What? What? Can we get it? It's so cool. It's just him smoking weed and driving. What? Yeah, driving around. It's so cool. I mean, almost like pause so you can fucking play it. So he wrote lyrics. Yeah, yeah. He raps in the song. He raps along with it to the... It's so cool. You got to play the music. Wait a minute. Another episode of a doggy dog...

Is this it? Yeah. Oh, boy. What are you doing? Who bought the internet? What Wi-Fi? Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Oh, shit. How cool is he? Oh, he scratched it a little. Whoa.

Wow. It's so fucking rad. This is like when you bump into you in a retirement home. He pulls out a double stuff. I'm going to shit myself. Bring it all around.

He's just driving around Compton. This is amazing. See, this is the equivalent of making anything funny. Like we see some news story and we make a joke out of it. He hears a fucking song in the intro of a show and makes a rap about it. Of an uncomfortable show. And he's like, that's got something there. Dude, he should do it to every... We should get the cheers intro. Snoop just raps over. Cheers. Cheers.

where everybody knows you dude you hear snoop's rap on uh taxi that was crazy mary tyler moore so many simpsons oh that's a good that could be a good one damn yeah snoop is fucking amazing i've heard he's the coolest guy everyone says have you met him um yeah he used to smoke at the store a lot oh wow uh uh uh

Stephen Glickman had a story where he was like, they were all like passing around joints, you know, and blunts or whatever. And he was like, I don't smoke anymore. It's been like years and years, but it's Snoop Dogg, so you're going to have to. Right. And then he was listening to his story and everyone talking. And at some point, everyone's staring at him. And he was like, what's everybody staring at? And he goes, you've been fucking Bogart in the...

The thing, man, you keep smoking the whole thing. He goes, oh, fuck, what? And he goes, sorry, I haven't smoked in a few years or whatever. And then Snoop goes, oh, what? Oh, you're going to die. That's amazing. That is like smoking with Snoop is kind of the equivalent of drinking with Hemingway. Yes. It's kind of that level of like you found the guy.

You ever go to Hemingway's Bar in Barcelona? No, is it cool? It's so cool, and there's no mention of him at all. There's no plaque where it's like, this was where he drank. You just know it's the end of the bar. Nothing's changed. There's so much dust on the beer bottles all over the wall. The only thing that changes is in the mid-'80s, probably, they put a fan in, and that's about it. It's so cool. You can get an absinthe there. By the way, that just shows you...

front and center that weed is better for you than alcohol. Oh, yeah. You got Snoop still going and where the fuck's Hemingway? Where's Hemingway been? I'm waiting for that next book. He shot himself. Yeah, alcohol does not end well. It's funny. There was this poem by Bukowski that it was basically like it was for his another guy it didn't end well for. It didn't end well. He made it to his 70s, I think. He made it further than he should have.

Because he had a woman at the end. He took care of him. That's how you do it. You're degenerate the first 65 years. Then at the end, you just find a woman. She's like, I'll clean up this mess. Right, right. But he had a poem where it was basically like the gist of it was just like your friend you drink way too much with and you see each other once a year because that's all both your bodies can handle. Yeah.

And you're both kind of just showing off when you hang out together where you're both just like, yeah, this is what we do. But then the next day you're like, fuck. Oh, my God. But that's how you view each other is like you're fucking. And it's kind of there is some, I don't know, there's some truth to that. Like we all relate to that, you know? Totally. Well, it's also like when you see a drinking friend, you're like, hey, you want to do this? I know. No one else is around. I was about to go home, but.

And then you remember why you don't hang out with that guy anymore. Yeah. That's why we don't do it every night. There's some good once a year friends. Oh, dude. In New Orleans, the day after Thanksgiving, or no, Thanksgiving night, all the old high school and college friends would meet up at the bar and it was like, oh my God, you're back. How you been? I started a business. I got married. I killed my wife. But you go back to college where you're like, we're allowed to drink. Yes. And we can afford all the beers we want. I know. You have money now. And it's over 40 grand a year.

a year and you're staying at your parents house so you're like i need a fucking drink oh yeah amalgam of all this fucking shit and you just go blackout it is it is fun as hell but then you you drink with those high school friends and you and you're like do you still drink like this are you just doing it because you think i still drink like this right you just please each other dude i saw sagalo the night after the cellar party yeah and uh he was like how long did you stay i was like real quick in and out um

Plus we're pros and we've done it a million times. It's a slop factory. I stayed too long. You did? I did. I was that guy. I stayed till four. Whoa. Liz was behind the bar, so she was hooking it up. And I live a block away. So I was like, ah, what's the difference? I saw a waitress pass out face down. They had to move the table away. And she starts moaning. She's like, ah.

And I'm like, is she seriously hurt? And then they got to get Liz. Liz is comforting. I was like, you okay? She's like, ugh. They put it on her stomach so she doesn't like fucking barf and drink it. And then as soon as she comes, she just comes out and she goes, anybody's talking about me. She popped out of it and got surly. Good for her. Oh, it's great. Damn, those parties are legendary. Well, the staff at the cellar can drink like no other. They're just... I mean, that's why it's...

I think that's why they hire him. Yeah, it's literally like, you know, the knife on every finger. And they don't judge you. That's the process. Can you handle this? But anyway, saggled to this. He was like, I felt bad. He hasn't drank in about a year. And he goes, I felt bad being there. I was like, eh, maybe I should. Because you know that urge? He didn't do a program or anything. Just that urge. Like, oh, this is why I drink. It's for drinks like this. So the next day he was calling everybody. Is he going to hang out? They're like, oh, I can't. I can't. No, fuck that. He goes, everybody called out. And he was like, oh, this is why I don't drink. Yeah.

Yeah. No, I got out of there pretty quickly, but I do remember a few people drunkenly eating that chicken. Like, this is good chicken. I'm like, you dude, it's Popeye's. Of course. Liz gets it catered with Popeye's chicken. Yeah. You're in a basement drunk eating Popeye's. It's kind of great. It's great, but you don't feel good the next day. Yeah, Louis Katz pulled up a chair to that table. Oh, yeah. I was like, look at these Jews. I took a few of those home.

But yeah, there's also tattoos. First of all, the cellar party was two years behind because of COVID. Maybe more because it was supposed to be in December, right? Right. So they just totally blew it out. They had a craps table, a roulette table, tattoo parlor. Who's getting a tattoo when you're like... I'm not going to say who. I saw that guy get two. Those are fake tattoos. No. What? Those are real. Oh my God. I almost got one.

Oh, wow. I thought they were jokes. Let's see the swastika. All right. But also, it's like, you have one of eight. That's your options for forever. You can choose one of these eight. I'm like, that's your fucking... Let me think about this for a while. Yeah. Trash people. But I guess you don't want to go rogue. Like, you give me something, whatever you like. Well, think about it. It's a tattoo. Yeah. At Skank Fest, it makes sense because those people have no futures. Good point. No, it was... That was...

I remember the last time we did one of those. I have pictures with Ari, and you could just see this glazed-over look in her eyes. I remember playing beer pong. Beer pong was so great. Michelle Wolf was my partner for beer pong, and I remember we were going against Mo Ammer, who's killing us because he's leaning over the table. He's leaning. He's encroaching on the Israeli territory. Michelle, I remember an image of Michelle in his face like, you piece of shit cheater. Yeah.

And we're just wrecked. And I'm like, we're literally like, everyone's like, oh, you guys are joking around. I'm like, she's not joking. Right. Michelle's competitive. I was pissed too. Michelle's competitive. I was fuming. I was like, you fucking cheater. It looked like, it just looked like the picture of why we can't come to terms. Right. We can't come together. And then we all just rip down the middle. Mo's like, but I'm hitting the shots. Like, Michelle would not let it go. No, she wouldn't. She was really like, it was that drunk glaze of like, you're a piece of shit.

Oh, yeah. You're cheating at beer pong? This is sacred. And her Pennsylvania accent comes out. She's like, no, no. Well, I said, well, who cares? It's just beer pong. If you're willing to cheat at this, what aren't you willing to cheat at? There you go. There you go. Is there no honor in this world? Right. Oh, my God. We need Mo on here to defend himself. Yeah, we really do. He'll drink with us. Dude, when you think Michelle, you people picture her to the wrong. She's trash.

She's from like Central, like Hershey. When she ended her fucking special with, what's his name? Marilyn Manson. Marilyn Manson. You're like, what? And she's like, oh yeah, I come from trash. She said she wants to come on here. We got to get her on. We got to get her on. Oh, you got to be careful. Yeah, yeah. I'll bartend for that. Really? Oh yeah, for sure. I'll chime in here or there, but I'll just bartend. Wow.

Wow. She put her on a treadmill the whole time. Just let her run and drink. Orthodox beer, Jim. She lost best newcomer at Edinburgh to a guy who did his whole hour on a treadmill. No way. Is that why she's a runner now? Just to beat him? She's catching up. Damn, those Christmas parties were legendary. Remember the Caroline? You might not have been around for that. Remember Caroline's? Oh, I remember Joe List and I got in a near fist fight one night. Do you remember that? I don't remember. Oh, my God. I don't know what happened, but we were both hammered. And I'm going to blame List because he had to quit drinking. But-

We're like two inches from each other's face, and he's like, you fucking piece of shit. And I was like, this must have been 2010 or 11. Yeah. I mean, it was ugly. Wow. What started it? I don't remember. I do remember Rich Voss spin kicking Jason Cantor and breaking his ribs. That I remember. At a party. Yeah. Because he said he wanted to fuck his daughter. Yeah, he was just... Jason was just, I think...

drinking hard yeah trying to egg him on he likes to poke the bear yeah also like you gotta know someone well enough to ball bust and some people just go too fast and you're like true don't know each other also i want to fuck your daughter does not it's not a good ball bus yeah it's not great is that your kid i want to fuck her zing i already was like wait what did you say he was hammered yeah

You know, Jason's a good guy. Like, if you know him, like, we know him. We know he's a good guy. But, like, yeah, Voss fucking kicked him. He, like, horse kicked. Yeah. Boom. Yeah. And broke a rib. Yeah. That sucks to get your ribs broken by a 60-year-old Jew. I heard he also tried to stay around after that. Like, ah, it's cold. Right, right. I'm sore, but it's broken rib, bro. Yeah. There's no gas for that. I think you have a size 6 Jordan emblem on your chest there. Constantly in there. Like, enter the dragon with Bruce Lee. Yeah, yeah.

The oldest man ever to wear Air Force Ones. I know, right? Dude, I missed all, not all, you guys are still going strong, but some of the best New York boozers. Yeah. Cleaned up. Soder, Lisp, Bargatz. I caught the end of him. Oh, yeah. He'll be back.

You think so? I think so, yeah. Once his kids are in college, he's going to be a mess. Yeah, I think once he does all the arenas, he'll be like, I did it. I can take a day off. Exactly. He was fun. Nate was always really fun. Always down. And he would go hard. And Nate's such a great guy, too. I know. Yeah, I miss it. I mean, Barcelona Bar, speaking of Barcelona, that was...

I passed it the other day. It's still open. It's weird when you walk by bars in New York now where you're like, a lot of the ones you didn't think would make it survived and vice versa where you're like, oh, thank God. Just because it's a New York staple. There was a bar on second half. Maybe you can give us a goog there, Peters. It was called Cheap Shots. Oh, it's great. Did you guys ever go there? Of course.

It was cheap shots. Is it open? I think it must be gone. Those 10 shots, 20 bucks things, it's like I was already too...

making enough money. Like I said, making 40 grand a year or more where I'm like, I don't have to do that. Yeah. I went there a lot. Me too. Do you remember the Continental was a big one. The Continental. The guy, well, the Continental, look it up. I don't know if you get a picture of this guy, but he's got the Raiden hat on from Mortal Kombat. He looks like the dude from Mortal Kombat. Yes, that's the sign. Let me see him. The Continental was 10 shots. Did you get a picture of the guy? That guy walks his dog at my dog park. Shut up. He does a guy with a Raiden hat on all the time. Oh, I see.

I can't believe he's alive. This is the bar. I think the Mulaney joke is about nickel shot night. I think we'll die if we go to nickel shot night. I think it's about this bar. Well, it's a continental. Yep, that's him. That's him. That's him. That's a guy. That's a guy. He's got a great dog. What are the odds? What are the odds? You should throw a hook at him and go, get over here. That dude, yeah, the Raiden hat. I just see that. You're like, that's fucking, that's the dude. That's him. No sun poisoning.

Damn, that's wild. $10 for five shots of anything. Oh, the price is going up. Yeah, that's it. $10, five shots. There it is. It's such a disaster. Yeah. Do you ever go to a drinking night where they have like dollar whatever, Bud Lights or whatever? The boot in New Orleans has that. Yes. But do you ever go in there and just go, I'll have a Jameson on the rocks? They're like, but that's going to be $9. Yeah.

Look at this high roller. I would love to have a, what's that guy? Bar rescue guy, Tapper. John Taffer. I would love to have him go in there and be like, this is fucked. We got to shut the whole thing down. If the lights came on in there, it would just be vomit and rats and jizz and all kinds of. And it was next to a McDonald's. It's almost mandatory that a bar like that is next to a McDonald's. Yeah, there we go. There it is.

Yeah, no, that was a classic. That's off St. Mark's, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's right on St. Mark's. It's in 3rd, I believe. Yes, yes. It's right by NYU. The NYU trashy area. Oh, yeah. You can get some nice sunglasses right out there, too, and a pipe.

It's amazing. A woman would ever walk in there. Go to Cheap Shots, Matt. Look up Cheap Shots NYC. That was like the alternative to Holiday Cocktail Lounge. Well, we used to do comedy. The Great Bar. Holiday Cocktail Lounge was, oh my God. Mark and I, so Ari, Mark and I used to do this show at Holiday Cocktail Lounge. Our friend Eric, I ran a show there.

And he would book, there would be more comics booked than audience members every week. He would run like 12 bad shows and we're like, Eric, book one good show. Don't make us keep showing up for four drunk audience members. It would be me, Norman, Mackie, List,

Phil, Adrian. Yes. More comics on the show than our members. Oh, every time. Every time. And the bartender only loved Mackie. So literally he'd have the game on full volume and then Mackie would come on. He'd mute it and be like, guys, watch this shit. Oh my God. Oh yeah. That was a hell gig. Those were rough days. But you got that drink ticket and it was like...

Like, ah. There's so much to be able to get that free drink when you really cannot afford drinks. I loved it. The best. Does an ice cold beer when you're broke? You're like, this beer is $6. Yeah. And it's free for me. Well liquor was still great. You're like, is Evan Williams well? You're like, that's the highest well. Yeah, I'll take it. Can I have one? Summer of LOL was great like that. Oh, yeah. It was free. God bless Lewis for those gigs. I know. I remember they tried to ban me from LOL, which like-

Ouch. But I remember. If you don't know, it's a Times Square, just tourist only. Promise them Chappelle. Right. And just put everybody else. It was when people. And first, you have to get in an elevator to go to this gig. So people are going in there. They're like, this looks like a college classroom. Yeah. So we go in there. They were basically like. Active studios. Yeah. A little stage for like the scene. Oh, man. Did we bomb in there? All of us. But I mean, I remember Lewis had my back.

There it was. No, that's too nice. That wasn't it. No, is that not it? That's redone now. Similar. That's the new one. That's where I used to run a show when I was like that. That was formerly the Sage Theater. Oh, wow. But they moved it. I was already banned from them by then. But Lewis had my back to his credit. Lewis always has everybody's back. He does. Look at your back. So what happened was. And I'll put you in a chokehold. I think I. . .

Every time. He takes her back. Yeah. I think I was like, guys, I need money. And they're like, we'll pay you when we get to it. And I was like, I have another set. I got to get paid. And they made a whole thing about it. And then I said like, all right, fuck it. I'm leaving. And Lewis was like, that's what real comics do. They need to get paid on time. And I was like, oh, that's a good guy. Yeah.

I mean, I told it before, but this is the famous spot where Bill Burr was doing The Garden. And he was like, I need to get up. I want to just run my set a little bit. And they were like, who are you? And he's like, I'm doing another show. I just would love to get a guest set. And you don't have to pay me. And they were like, no. We're not going to give you a spot. Who the fuck are you? We'll leave you behind. Yeah. That's how much they love comedy. They didn't give a shit. And that's why they drove Lewis out of there. Because they were like, we could do it even cheaper. Yeah. From seeing people who...

They had, right before they broke, right before they became anything, me, you, you, List, Veeder. Who else was coming there? Lewis, Dave Smith. Oh, yeah. They had good guys over there. Good hangs there, too. Good hangs. Yeah, it's a shame. No, that room was rough. I mean, Dangerfields did the same thing to Chris Rock, apparently, another club, RIP Dangerfields. But when Rock walked in there, he was like, oh, can I come in? The guy goes, mm.

Like stopping him to get a cover charge. Oh, man. And then he goes, I'm Chris Rock. And the guy looks at the bartender to be like, should I let him in? And the bartender doesn't even turn around. He goes, let him in? Yeah, he can come in, but not sorry. Not like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. Damn. Oh, he's still around? Apparently. Mad Dog's still doing it. Mad Dog old hair. Oh, I like Alingon. He's underrated.

Yeah, it was a good crew of people. Good crew. Oh, yeah. There's Jason Kanter. Yeah, there you go. All right. Good times. No, we had some good times. I had some great nights. I did New Year's there one night. What? Really? Yeah, it was awful. Dangerfields? Wow. No, LOL. Oh, wow. Damn, that sounds like a community service. I wasn't on the road. It was like probably. You need to get a spot. Yeah. Damn. It was not a good place. Tough spot. Tough spot. LOL San Antonio, much better. Yeah. Yeah.

It's so funny. Those guys who don't know anything. I would try to get Big J try to get me into Eastville back then. And the owner, I don't want to say his name. This happened to me too. The owner, he was like, hey, man, my buddy already moved here. I had a TV show at the time.

Yeah. Stand up TV show. Send the tape. Yeah. He goes, he goes, I want to try to get in this guy, Dove Davidoff and Ari Shafir. They're both new here. And he goes, oh, I like this Dove guy, but who's this Ari? He goes, he's just a good friend of mine. He's a good comic. I don't know. He goes, and he goes, does he think he's better than me? And Jay was like, what? I mean, yeah, he is better than you, but like,

What the fuck are you talking? What does that mean? What kind of answer is that? This guy lives a block from here. Yeah. Come to your club for free. Yes. Same thing. I lived on Fifth Street. The club was on Fourth Street. Yeah. I showed up with Che, Ted Alexandro and Soder. And they were like, you got to book this guy. And he was like, I don't like him.

Wow. I tried to wreck people there too. I worked there. I ran a show there when it first started, but then he was trying to underpay me on weekends. So I was like, hey, respectfully, I'll work here when you pay me the normal rate. And he actually did. So I was like, it took like a month. And he'll be like, all right, you can get the normal rate. And it's like, God, it's like that's the bare minimum. You can get the normal rate. But he underpaid Michael Che on New Year's. Ooh.

Good guy to burn a bridge with. The future head of Weekend Update. Yeah, right? Or head writer of SNL. I know. Crazy. Is it worth 60 bucks? Is it worth that? To be like, oh, I'll never. You could have been the next comedy seller. Easily. Perfect part of town. I mean, it's now New York Comedy Club. Gaffigan. Judah would show up. Janine was always there. It was solid. It was right there. It's a neighborhood place. Yeah. Yeah, man. No, I had a lot of fun nights there.

The room itself is electric on weekends. Holy shit. I'm there every Wednesday at 8. New York Comedy Club. I just did your show last week. It's amazing. There you go. What, the 4th Street one? Yeah, we've been selling it out. It's hot. What are you doing? Hot soup? No. No, that's at the Fat Black. This is on Wednesdays at New York. Just a show. Just a show. Showcase. 8 o'clock. Man, those old rooms, like, LOL. It really is hilarious. Like, man, it's so easy to care. It's so easy.

Why do you not care? It was never their business model to care. It was like this is not all the people who drove out like the Canadian clubs who like never gave like Russell Peters just a fair wage. You got into this for money? I know. Do finance. Why are you doing? You're trying to do bad comedy to get rich. But that's what it is. It's like you ever pass by on the freeway like a building supply company. Like that's not anybody's dream. They're just like in this. Yeah.

And so it's the same shit. But they must go to dinner parties or whatever and be like, what do you do? Oh, I run a comedy club. What? I love Sebastian Maniscalco. I love Bill Burr. I don't know. No, we get the lowest level people. We milk them for all they're worth. Yes, exactly. We've got people who are probably never going to make it. If they do make it, we will drive them away. That's our model. I feel the same way with the industry. Like, you ever meet people in a meeting in a CAA or whatever the fuck, general meeting, and they're like, oh, I love Pryor.

And you're like, no, you don't. Get out of here. You don't know anything. Yeah. Dude, I went to the Wild West Comedy Festival, the Nashville one. Yeah. That's Vince Vaughn does that, right? No. But he started it. I think he started it. Yeah. But anyway, I ran it. It's been two years of COVID, not talking to any industry or whatever. And you see these suits everywhere.

at the hotel and you see them and you're like i recognize your face i don't know who you are i don't know if i'm supposed to hate you or if we had if we had a fake relationship or actually you were pleasant i don't remember anymore do we have a bitter feud right you're trying to cut my legs out from under me with the san antonio improv because i fucking told your client that you can do better like i don't know i don't know what shazam but for the industry you're just like you you

You run Peacock. Yeah. Right. That's great. That's great. They should have name tags or something at least. Like, I'm important. I'm worth talking to. I actually like comedy. Let's talk to get that name tag unimportant. Yeah. Yeah. I just do the books. Because they all come at you the same way. Hey, buddy. Hey.

doing right hey buddy either way in score me and veter do that that's all we do on the road go hey buddy there's something that just makes me like oh i just shrink when i hear it it's like a pocketbook full of them it's like hey buddy hey champ hey sport hey big dog there he is that's another one there he is you know how fake you're being or you just fake around other fakes that you're like alcohol doesn't help either because they're even looser oh yeah

I know. Like they'll go up to Shane Gillis. Like I thought the Asian joke was funny. Get out of here. Yeah. Yeah. They are, uh,

Those things are always, you're like, how drunk am I going to get with these people? I know. I'm starting to really at every festival, like, let's go out. Let's go to another bar. Let's get a crew and get the fuck out of here. Totally. Fucking idiots. Yeah. They suck. Your own guy is good and then every other guy fucking sucks. No, there's cool people there for sure. I mean, but you have to kind of weed through. Cool enough. Yeah, yeah. Not actually cool. Yeah.

I know. I just haven't done the hang. I mean, the only festival I've done in forever was Moon Tower, and I think I just kind of did my own thing. I don't think I really hung. Yeah. I was just there. We all went for a walk a few Moon Towers ago. We're like, let's not go to the after party. Let's just go. We'll smoke some weed. We'll go walk in the river. And Norman was like, uh...

It was like me, Liz, Jay. I forget who else. A bunch of people there. We had a great time. Norman's like, let me go do one loop around the place. And the next day he goes, oh, it was two hours and what a mistake. I know. I didn't get any good conversation. You're waiting for something that never comes. No, you're right. You're chasing that dragon. And then you guys had great conversation. You had cigars. You had a weed. You had a joint. A drink. I should have just done that.

It's just like we keep thinking chasing the dragon is a good term. We keep thinking it might be this great, valuable thing. It's not. Oh, and the music is at 15. Yes. And you're like, we have to speak for this festival. I know. We need our voice. I'm putting my foot down. Loud music, I hate it everywhere. Yeah. I mean, unless I'm at a concert where I'm ready for it, I just hate it. I want to talk. There should be a separate room to go dance. Yes. Brutal. Separate room with light jazz. Oh, yeah.

but we can talk we want to talk i love a party with like four rooms with four different vibes oh real dance floor that's good that's good blacks real fucking talking for the old whites you know he's just reinventing segregation every pool hall is like only classic rock keep the blacks out no we uh

we, no, we, it sucks because it's people who you like and haven't seen in years. I'm like, oh shit, Matt Bronger. I'd love to talk to Matt Bronger. And then he was like, I can't because the music's up here. How are you? It's a nightmare. Yeah, you got to get through that time. Matt Bronger's the best. I saw him in the Montreal, uh,

whatever room and I was like I had a beer couldn't open it and then I saw Matt and he's like an alt comic so you expect him to be a queef but then you're like oh but you're from Portland like Matt can you pop this for me and he goes uh huh oh yeah he's just like a hillbilly at heart he's like the nicest dude sweetest guy funny guy yeah man those fests take it out of you I'm sorry what were we going to say no no no you go I was just going to say if there were those four rooms I guarantee that loud one would be empty

Or there'd be psychos in there. Or there'd be dancing. Yeah. Okay, dance it up. It is some people's vibe. Dancing is fun if you're a good dancer. I'm a terrible dancer. We're all bad dancers, right? Terrible. I mean, I'll do it, but I'm horrible. Only Molly. Really? It's my only chance. Heavy Molly. I went to a nightclub in Berlin, and it was just like, find drugs in the bathroom. And I was like, okay, I guess. Whoa.

And this place was just, I mean, it was like I said, the only way you could get, I got turned away once already. Then I came back the next day. It's Friday midnight to Monday at noon. And you can stay in as long as you want. First thing I saw was a dude getting fisted, fisted at the bar, ordering two drinks, hopefully one for the fucking puppet master. And just fucking, I mean, that's double fisting. Yeah.

I'll stay out of that room. Is that one of the four rooms? Yeah. I'll take the loud music. Do you... I mean, there could be a video game of Ari's life, I feel like, and it would be fun.

Sometimes. I've got to get through the China episode. I'm in the South American episode. I'm stuck in Thailand. Oh, no. I'm at the Kobe boss. I can't beat him. Yeah, but it was just wild. I can't dance, but it's all house and techno, depending on which floor you're going to. And then when you get drugs, you're like...

I can dance now. This is happening. Interesting. It's really just about letting go. That's really all it is. And I can't let go. You'll look like you're foolish. But then you see a guy with socks and shoes on, sneakers and socks, and then that's it? And just dancing with his fucking dick out, having a good time. Fat dude. And you're like, what am I worried about? I know. What am I going to look like? That guy is happier than us. I know. And he'll probably get laid because girls are like, hey, look, he's free. He's confident. And I'm there like,

What do I do with my honor? Yeah, so good for him. Yeah, I don't know.

Maybe he's happy. He's probably happier. He's happy that night. I was dancing nonstop, and this dude, he gave me like a bunch. He gave me some Molly. He gave me some ketamine, and it was just like, you won't do ketamine, will you? I'm like, well, I mean, I'm here. Of course I will. Why wouldn't I? What are you talking about? I don't know anything about ketamine. What does that do to you? Ketamine's like Coke, but like chiller. It's horse drink. Yeah, it's just chiller. It gives you this when you get enough. It's a better Coke to me. Really? You don't strike me as a Coke guy. No. With that honker? No.

No one will give it to me. We got to portion it out before you get here. Cartoon Ari just snorting it all. Like, Jesus. It's like a game of Snake. Honker is the best word for nose. It's derogatory, but in a way you can't complain.

I heard a great joke. Sorry, the other day some guy said something about Israel. The best band for Israel would be called Guns N' Noses. I'm not that. The setup would help it, but it was a great punchline. What? I mean, yeah, so you snort ketamine? Um...

I think then we were, yes, we were. But I'm dancing. I just can't stop dancing. The guy who was like hooking me up here or there, he was like, you're not tired? I'm like, no, I'm having the time. I mean, it was 12, 13 hours. We left Monday at noon. We got out of there.

And like 13 hours, I was fine. But then like the next day, I had to go to the hospital. Oh. Because my back was just... Really? Yeah. We flew to Norway the next day and I did my show and then like had to like stay an extra day in Norway. Whoa. Yeah. From a horse trank. No, from dancing nonstop. Oh. A horse trank had no issue. Damn. Yeah. You think the horse trank would help that though? You would think it would. Because if you're a horse, you can handle a lot on your back, the jockey, right? Good point. That's my thinking. But you...

You dance so hard you fucking hospitalize yourself? Man, that is the old guy hospital visit. The Charleston got me. My jazz hands. Send him to the Roomba unit.

Oh, man. Norway. Who are you? You're like Bond. You're flying all over. It was a tour. It was a European tour. But I took like three days off in between gigs to really try to have some fun. Damn. Good for you, man. You live. I try. See, I did the Bert thing two weeks in Europe with Bert. It was Copenhagen. It was Belgium. It was Russia. It was Amsterdam. You name it.

But we never took a break. It was a different city every night. So I never saw a city. I never saw Dublin. I never saw. You went to Dublin. We did it together. Well, we did Dublin. Yeah. But all these. We went to Manchester. I was in. I was out. You know. And the secret is your Jews will tell you to do it differently. Your age doesn't mean. But like. But like you do Thursday, Friday, Saturday, maybe Sunday, whatever. And then you have just the rest off until the next Thursday. So you can either stay in the city you're already in or go early to the next city. Mm.

So there's no reason to stay in Brussels. It's just boring. It sucks. So go to Berlin early. Yeah. Whatever you do, take the train and just hang out in one city. Copenhagen's great. Great. What a fucking fun time. Is that your favorite city? Yeah.

It's up there. It's the best weed in Europe. Maybe the world. Really? Yeah. Better than Amsterdam. See, we got like a Bourdain here. You're like a Bourdain with no kids. That's right. Yeah. Damn. Suicidal inducing girlfriend. Man, she seemed like something was off. Oh, yeah. Fuck. He was a man, dude. The man.

He was like, who's cooler than Bourdain? I saw a thing about Bourdain where some guy was just like breaking down his greatness on TikTok. And it was like so well put where it was like he just seemed to have he was interested in everything. He treated a Waffle House with the same respect as like a five star restaurant. He was into so like he was never bored like that. That is being connected to the world. And he was undefinable. So he started as I just thought that I wasn't that into him.

you know, until he committed suicide and I was like, he's got courage. But like, but like afterwards I saw the documentary and he goes to this chef who writes chef books, you know, or books are great too. Yeah. And a really interesting way of writing flowery way of writing. And then they were like, why don't we have some, do some food all over the country, all over the world. And he was like, Hey, as soon as he took that first trip, he's like,

i'm done with that life i just want to travel and like yeah do stuff and they're like can you have something cool to eat while you're there and he goes yeah i can do that but he just became this traveler good for him that was almost unrelated to being a chef he's like we'll meet we'll have some nice food but like yeah it's about being in vietnam it's about being in fucking myanmar when you work all this time everyone's like he had the dream job like he's got a family you know he's got he's got kids he's

Also, I bet you, like, he was like, oh, man, he's so fun. I bet you the second the cameras were off, he was just like, oh, I'm fired. Oh, no doubt about it. I mean, it also is a lesson. First of all, he's 60, dude. I don't believe that. I think he was like, cameras off, like, hey, let's go across town and fucking get into some shit. Well, he definitely had some demons. He loved coke. He loved booze. He loved booze. Well, it's weird when his whole thing was, like, about sobriety, and then you just see him getting shit-faced on episodes. What do you mean his stuff was about sobriety? Well, he's a recovering heroin addict. Wow.

So it's a lot of everything else. Yeah. But he would do he would drink on episodes. You know, I'd be like, damn, he's drinking a lot. You just think like, first off, he's drinking a lot. But for somehow somehow he was just still shredded. I know. Well, he was a jujitsu guy. Yeah. He got a jits. He he. Who was I going to say? Foxcar. Great. Another drink. Yeah, please. Another drink. Did you see the doc? Great.

Roadrunner? I couldn't do it. It was great. It's so good. I know how it ends, so I liked them so much. I don't want to... Just don't watch the end because you know it's going to happen, but the beginning is cool. Casino ends, but you still watch the whole thing. I know, but Joe Pesci deserved what he got. He hit his brother with a bat. He's still breathing.

That was dark as fuck. The little tighty-whities on Pesci. I don't know if I could watch that now. I think I'd let it in now. They used to play on TV. That would come on at noon on Sunday. Yeah, and they'd show that scene, but they'd edit fuck. They'd be like, forget you. Then they'd show his limpless body. He's still breathing. Dude, I had a guy in my crowd in central Washington a long time ago, and I was talking about heroin, and this guy was like... I saw his teeth gone, and I was like...

You do heroin? And he raised his glass, his Bud Light, and he goes, six years sober. And I was like, you're drinking a Bud Light? He goes, you don't think there's a difference between heroin and a Bud Light? Wow. And I was like, yeah, you're right. He's got a point. Yeah. Let me just say one fun fact about Goodfield. I mean, a casino. Okay.

Scorsese was getting so much shit from the guys Martin Scorsese he's the director of he was getting so much shit from the censors because he was so violent and they go here's what we're going to do

We want to keep all the violence, the gunplay, the explosions, but we want to keep all that in. So we're going to put a guy's head in a vice and we'll just do that. So they cut that out and the rest will look like, you know. Nothing compared. Peaches and cream. Is that true? Yeah. So they put the head in the vice guy and they go, that's fine. Wow. And they left it in. So he got it all in. What a lesson. Push the line. Push the line.

Push the line. Dude, when I was doing this not happening stuff, we'd always have that. We're like, all right, let's try one crazy thing so they can put their foot down. Exactly. And then they could come back from there to where we wanted to be. Right, right. What was one that was tough to get on, Ari? Well, it was a lot. It was a lot of you had to protect the people's demeanor. So we had somebody who was like, well, any sort of liquor brand. Or one of my friends took mushrooms and left our camping thing and just

Was that a fucking McDonald's? Like, can't say McDonald's. Like, but it was McDonald's. Yeah. So you'd have to say this happened at a different fast food chain. Yeah, they said Del Taco. I'm like, that's not going to fly. That won't be the same thing. And you fight for it. And then they go, okay. And then Ryan Moran's always like, let me help you fight. And then he'd get it in. Right. Shout out to Ryan Moran, who's a good dude. He's the only one. He was the only one left at Comedy Central. He's the only one over there that you can count on.

He's the only one left. He's a good person. Yeah. But like there was one where it was – I don't want to say this is like I say more, but somebody used the F word. He goes, they're going to call me – he was a gang member. And his dad told him to turn away from a fight. And he goes, they're going to call me a – you know. Yeah. And they go, you can't say that. And it's like, yeah, but that's the character. Right. He's talking about himself at 16 years old in gang life.

Yeah, he's referring to that time. Yes. You got to let him say it if he wants to say he's the comic. You can do it in movies for some reason. Yeah. And it was this long fight. And I think I might have lost that one. Oh. I think I might have been like, it can't happen. There you go. And then other times it was weird. It didn't matter. I had to fight for like a liquor brand. And they go, you can use Evan Williams if you want. But that's it. And I was like fighting and fighting. It might have been St. Germain. It might have been. Must have been St. Germain. Yeah. The whiskey or the guy? The whiskey.

the guy okay and um and eventually I think I told him like hey I lost he had to say Evan Williams and they were like no it's fine like they didn't care at all it didn't matter if it was whatever JMO or that what's that about oh it's still rhyme or reason of that shit yeah

Let me just say this about Bourdain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Going back. Sorry. First of all, Eric Andre had the best bit about Bourdain. He's like, I love the show. I love Bourdain. But let's be honest. That guy must have had the worst diarrhea on the planet. Right when the cameras turn off, just like, you know, it's a great bit. And, you know, he plays it up to 10. But...

Bourdain somehow made a beer look so good. He was so cool. He embodied cool. I found cool spots because of him. Like he really made you like, he'd be having a great time in some weird suburb of Detroit. And you're like, if he can do it, then we can find a place. And the way he said it, I already had these thoughts from some other book about travel, but like,

When he's telling the lady who killed him, it was like, no, don't say the name of this place. She's like, why? Because it's going to be a line of American tourists. You always do that. You always tell me that. Don't say the name. Don't say it. If it's a fun place, do not say the name. Eiffel Tower, the word's out. Wait, what is it? We're talking and we're talking about this cool bar that does jazz on Thursdays in the West Village, this underground place.

I will bleep the name of that on a podcast. Why? You don't want people walking in your footsteps. But don't you want to help the bar? What if they need help? You can tell your friend, oh, check out this place. Word of mouth. You'll ruin the vibe of it. You'll ruin the vibe of it. That's true. That's true. If it's a tourist spot. Tell them about Joe's Pizza. Okay. It's already out. It's out. There's always a line. It's fine. And they move that line. God bless them. Yeah.

Well, the line moves. Some places have long lines and they take forever. Joe's Pizza, boom, boom, boom. Goes right through. Yeah, they are good. They're good. So yeah, you don't want to ruin a place. Yeah, you got a point. You got a good point there. And also, what do you want? A bunch of fans showing up to get... But it's a good lesson, though. I mean, you'd watch that show and you'd go, this guy's got it made. He's in fucking... Thank you. Thank you. He's in fucking, you know, Massachusetts.

Madagascar drinking a drink out of a coconut on the on a fucking cliff looking over the ocean. Yeah. And then he kills himself. So it's like, hey, also depression is not just you get to no one's like you get to travel.

Right. Depression is deeper than booking cool flights. Travel could help it. I'm telling everybody. Like exercise, you think? Yeah, like exercise, like sun. He's traveling, he's exercising. These are all the things they tell you to do. Don't date a fucking actress.

That overcomes all the depression antidotes. Maybe that's why Weinstein went to prison. He had too many actresses. Exactly. That's what did it. Dude, we had a waitress at the stand who's also working at Rockwood Musical. And she goes, he came in when he was on bail. Weinstein? Really? And they were all like, what the fuck?

And then they just had to keep going. And they were like, hey, can we kick him out? The waitress was like, yeah, tell the manager. We want to kick him out. And he's like, his money's green just like anybody's. Wow. Come on, just kick him out. I don't know, it's a little tainted. I know, just kick him out. It's crazy because you look at Weinstein. He's so ugly. He's like this big, oafy, ogre-y,

just hideous man. And he's got a good personality. I guess. And he's rich. And he did make some great movies. He did make some great movies. But he's so evil looking. He was a great, it's like the definition of a great producer. All the Tarantino stuff. Knew how to cut fat too, apparently. Good Will Hunting. You know? Yeah, I mean, I think he just knew, be like, cut this scene. This doesn't add anything. No, I think he was, that's why his movies, it's like Robert Evans. You just know it's going to be a hit. He is good. Or like that guy who does every CBS show, Laurie.

Chuck Lorre. Chuck Lorre. He's like, I know how to do this. He just knows how to make, but at the same time, you're like, yeah, it's a fucking, obviously not a good person. It's a monster, yeah. He had the idea to make Kill Bill 2. Two things. Yeah. Because he's like, there's too much good stuff. You got to double it up here. Well, also, I love Tarantino, but you're insane. If you're like, yeah, one movie, six hours. I know. They'll sit through it. I saw the French version of it, the Cannes Festival version of it. We saw it at one of those, the Tarantino-owned movie theaters on the Beverly, whatever that one is on Beverly. Yeah.

New Beverly. He bought it eventually. Back to back with an intermission. Whoa. It was great. Well, look. Damn. If you're into it, it's fun. But I'm just saying for like a mass audience, it's insane. Who has five hours? Kill Bill 1 and 2 are incredible. Incredible. Every one of his movies are great. Yeah. Wow.

What? Oh, he's a fucking... I mean, don't... I mean, look, I'm a fan. I'm just watching the four-hour... Quentin, Quentin, come on, we might be drunk. Please, we'd love to have you. Matt, are you going to clip this up? Quentin, you like stand-up comics. We love you. This is a match made in heaven. Yes. Quentin, come on, we might be drunk.

I'm a fan. Start the hashtag book Quentin on We Might Be True. There's only one I in Quentin. You're making two I's. What did he say? Quentin. Oh. Quentin. Cut that part. No, no. Don't put the second E. It's the first E. Call him Tarantino. That's not even his real name, by the way. What is it? I think it's Ian, isn't it? Yeah, Quentin. Quentin. You're saying Quentin. I feel like we're splitting hairs here. Let's call him QT. You're right. Cut all that out, please. Quentin. No, keep it. Quincy.

By the way, I mean, look, I know everything about the guy. I'm a huge fan. He worked at Video Archives, and he started a little community about movie loving, and then he made My Best Friend's Birthday was his first movie on Super 8. It's not great. I got a Tarantino story. Please. Please. Very little involved with him. I'm at Kimmel.

Went to see Morgan Murphy, who's doing stand-up. I love Murphy. Tarantino was the first guest. Wow. And she goes, hey, do you want to come? Tarantino's like, oh, I mean, I wrote my thesis in college on Pulp Fiction. Really? Yeah. Love Tarantino. Love Pulp Fiction. What was your thesis?

How everything was, there was like a lot in there. You're like, I thought the game scene was a thing of beauty and here's why. It was, what's his name? Travolta's character is always played by a car or a race car of some kind. So he blows that guy's head off in a car. He's wearing, when they have, right before he calls, he's like, this girl overdosed, you know, the dealer. He's wearing a Speed Racer shirt. He's telling you he's about to call.

And there's a place where Bruce Willis is walking in his own apartment. He thinks it's empty. He's like, nobody's here. So he starts walking and it pans down and it shows a race car on a shelf. It only shows him from the waist down. And that's Tarantino's way of saying he's in the bathroom.

He's here right now. Wow. The race car guy is here right now. I love that kind of shit. Yeah. It doesn't give it away, but giving it away if you're really willing to look. It's attention to detail, man. Oh, God. Anyway, I'm there. God bless Bruce Willis. I'm going to miss him from movies, man. Oh, yeah. He was bomb, but way to get out before you get sad. Yeah. You know? In 50 years, he'll be gone regardless.

He'll still have that legacy. So many good movies, though. You know what's funny? I saw him in my deli once. What? And he took pictures with everybody. You're just like, oh, he's just a nice guy. Greatest guy. So I think he's got a picture of Joe's Pizza. Anyway, Don Barris is doing the warm-up there. And he's going around telling prison stories. Like, who's got a prison story? And somebody's like, I don't know.

And then he lacks eyes with me from across because we're friends, friends. We do the weird Jew and A at the end of the night at the convenience store. Love bears. He locks it. He comes over and he goes, oh, sir. Pretending not to know me. He's like, what do you got? He goes, no true stuff. Because it's like corporate job. And I just said, I just gave the plot of Hurricane. I was like, well, I was in prison for a while. I was a championship boxer. And I was there for a while until this young guy.

young African-American kid took up my case and he proved my innocence and now I'm out and you could hear like murmurs like is that what it right right anyway it's in between segments but Tarantino's up there he had done a Tarantino trivia contest with a Tarantino expert lost to him

about himself wow wow so then afterwards he's he's like staring into the audience and i'm way back and it looks like he's staring right at me oh boy and i'm like turning around i'm like is there a monitor behind me or something like no and then he does another segment and then afterwards he's just fucking staring at me and i mean i'm like 20 rows up but you sound like the guy at the strip club like she likes me you know you start thinking maybe i'm just being crazy exactly no way

And so then in between segments, he calls Barris over and then they're looking up at me and I'm like, what the fuck? Oh boy. It was weird. Oh boy. Well, he does this go to the store a lot. Maybe he saw you there. Before that. Okay. Yeah, I couldn't tell what it was and I was a door guy back then. And so then Barris comes over to me, comes up and he goes, I was like, what was that? He goes, yeah, he was looking at you. I'm like, what? He goes, he saw me messing with you and he wanted to know if you were the amazing racist. Whoa.

I tried to get to the green room after the show just to, I want to fucking deliver a pizza in a Tarantino movie or hold a fucking. That was my cue to go over and butt fuck you. I tried to give you some time. I missed my butt fuck cue. Sorry. You couldn't get hard. And they wouldn't let me go to the green room and I was like, fuck. My podcast dick doesn't work, man. It happens. Dude, that's crazy. Wow. Tarantino. At least he was aware of me. I was like, so I was, it made my fucking year. Wow. Wow.

That's amazing. Good for you, man. That means he's aware. Quentin Tarantino is aware of you. For a moment. He's casting you in the remake of Dead Blanker Storage. You're like, Jesus. If you ever do a movie about the Orthodox Jewish community, you're like,

Wow. Your version of a serious man. Did you see that movie? No, I wanted to. The brothers? Cone Brothers. Is Tarantino your favorite filmmaker of this generation? Yeah. Once I did, so I was like, hey, can I do my research paper on Tarantino, this film by Dr. Robert, Dr. Kolker? And he goes, yeah, but you've got to watch it like 15 times. You can't just watch it once. And you've got to watch his other movies too.

And then it was weird because after like seven or eight times watching it, that's when I started picking up on other stuff. Wow. I had to go to the library to watch it. Wow. And that's when I was like, oh, wait, wait, wait. Hold on. He said I'm a race car ready to explode. What does that mean? Yes. And then I go back like, oh, I'm starting to see more. There's all kinds of apple cigarettes. There's all kinds of stuff. He set up a world. Yeah, it's a whole world. Not to mention tension and fucking... He just always does...

To me, he's the embodiment of my definition of art, which is entertainment with a message. So you could just have a pretty painting.

but what's that are you saying anything with it and then also like if you're saying something but it's not fun you know like a fucking heady movie you know where it's like this is it's not entertaining but i get your message but it's not entertaining me it's too heavy-handed that's not my style of art my style of art is you're saying something and you're entertaining me the whole way i'm pushing back here yeah me too i i i like your movies because i don't always think there's a message i don't think they're fucking awesome sure fast and furious is great i

I wouldn't call it art. But is there a message in Kill Bill? Is there a message in like... Yeah, there's a message in all of it. What about Dave Attell? It's just humor, entertainment, funny, joke, joke, joke. There's no message. I think the message is like connect with what you're good at, which is joke writing. All right, well, so the term message is... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lucy Goosey. Lucy Goosey, all right. It sounds like you're saying racism is bad.

It's my version of what's the best. So it tells messages, trim the fat. These are just great jokes. He leans more on the entertainment and less on the, here's what I want you to take home and think about tomorrow. I've said this before in the podcast. My favorite Tarantino movie is Jackie Brown because it's just a fucking great, I love it. It's his Pinkerton.

It's what? It's his Pinkerton. Wow. Wow. Well done. Thanks. It is his Pinkerton. Is that Weezer? Yeah. Not well received commercially for some reason, but everybody later go, dude, it fucking rocked. It's one of my favorites. Tarantino never fails to deliver an awesome soundtrack as well. Yes. Even when it's boring. They were like, Hateful Eight's boring. I'm like, what? I guess. That's the one I haven't seen. But you're still talking about it. I loved Hateful Eight. You're still talking about it weeks later. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, his not quote unquote like weaker in films are better than pretty much anything that year. Can I give you a film recommendation? Please. I will tell you nothing about it. I love- I told Louie this last night. I told Shane this- And the listeners are going to love that you are bringing a rec here. Bring the rec. This is not my official WMBD recommendation.

Everything, everywhere, all at once. I hear it's incredible. I keep hearing about it. Look up nothing. Okay. Just go see it. I just know it's the kid from Goonies and Indiana Jones 2. Wait, Data? The Asian kid? Yeah. Rizzi. And Michelle Yeoh. He kills it. She kills it. Dude, don't look it up. I heard nothing about it. I just got an invitation. Like, you want to go? I'm like, sure, whatever. Like, it's about, don't even tell me. We're going. I've tried it. I steal cable and I get all kinds of.

I get every movie. I'm still stealing Big J's Netflix password. I'm really upset about this no stealing thing. By the way, Netflix dropped apparently. Did you hear that? Because they wouldn't book you. Let's talk about that in a minute. So I keep trying to watch, but they don't have it yet on my cable. I'll go again to the theater. Really? I would go see it. Maybe we'll do a little field trip action. I'm here this weekend. I'm not. I'm gone. But dude, uh.

it's funny. I, I follow Patton Oswalt on Twitter and he's done like eight tweets about this movie. He's a big film nerd. He's like, it's the greatest movie. I told Louie last night and he was like, he's like, uh, American or foreign. I was like,

Hey, dude, I don't want to tell you anything about it. I just want you to watch it. And he goes, I will. That's a recommendation I don't get. You've never recommended a movie to me? Yeah. Okay. Louis recommended the movie California Split to me. So if you haven't seen that movie, I give that a high rec because it's Elliot Gould and George Segal as just degenerate gamblers. Definitely the movie Uncut Gems. Uncut Gems.

Got a little inspiration from this movie. Oh, really? It's a Robert Altman movie. Robert Altman, underrated. Great. One of the most underrated. I mean, the player is as good a movie as ever. Shortcuts. Shortcuts is dark as fuck. You read the Robert, right, McCarver book about it, and you see that, and you're like, oh, they're wildly different.

Yeah. Man, that scene with the waitress, it's like there's something so dark about them just like trashing your wife who's the waitress at the diner. Played greatly by Lily Tomlin. And Tom Waits is the husband. Wow. And that scene where that redhead chick is naked from the waist down trying to argue about how this guy never came inside her so she didn't fully cheat. Whoa.

What's her name? The Rock. What movie is this? Shortcuts. I've never seen this. Oh, it's Altman. It's one of Schumer's favorite movies. I'll watch that this weekend. That's it. Robert Altman. Chuck Schumer. Chuck Schumer. Chuck Schumer. Big movie fan. No, you know...

Yeah, Altman is one of the best ever. I read the book and studied it in college and then had a class where we discussed Carver's Very Dark, where we discussed the movie. I got an easy egg. I was like, what? That's what he's saying here by this film? I'm like, yeah, by the film.

So wait, did you know, is it Errol Morris who wrote Rum Punch? Elmore Leonard. Jesus. Errol Morris is the true crime guy. Okay, sorry. Who's amazing. Yes. Who did Thin Blue Line. Right, right. Okay, Elmore Leonard. Elmore Leonard. He wrote Rum Punch, which is based on- Jackie Brown. Jackie Brown is based on that. And he read the script and Quentin Tarantino was too scared to show him because he's like, your book is so good, I don't want to fuck with it. And he read the script and he said, it's the best screenplay I've ever written.

Dude, I'll say this too about how cool Elmore Leonard apparently was. I knew one of the guys who wrote for Justify, great guy, Chris Provenzano, wrote like, I want to say like 30 episodes of that show. I literally met him as a fan. I met him because my friend knew him and I was like, can I just tell him I'm a fan? And we ended up just becoming buddies through it. But Justify is one of the best shows of all time. It's so underrated. Tarantino's directing. Yeah, Tarantino's going to direct a few when it's back. And it's Elmore Leonard apparently said like,

He's so humble you know he's passed away now But he said like I never could have written a show this good like man the writers are in space on his shit But how yeah, but how cool is that yeah? It's based on firing the hole, but like cool. We're like you guys doing a great job How cool is it the writer who's this fucking icon is like you guys have done better than I ever like generally? You're messing it up. You're ruining my vision right right, but they really did kill it like it's really a good fucking show You see worse woman in the world loved it. I gotta watch it Norman. I'm gonna I'm gonna watch it

NBA playoffs is a hard time for me to watch movies. I saw three movies in a row. I got a great streak going of like, damn, I saw Licorice Pizza first. You liked it? Loved it. People are shitting all over it. Oh, people are shitting on something? I mean, honestly, anything good in the world. People I respect are shitting on it. Ari and I saw Once Upon a Time in Hollywood together. Oh, I love that movie. That was fun as hell. And Whiplash. We had fun time. Oh, I love Whiplash. We saw Django. We saw Django. Dude, Whiplash is fucking awesome.

I know people hate it. I love it. Every time we watched it on a flight, I was like, I love it. I love it. It's great. It's over the top. It's silly, but it's great. Licorice pizza, worst woman in the world, and then everything everywhere all the time. Worst person. Worst person in the world? I think it's person. I don't remember. I don't see gender. I believe you. But either way, I think it's person. But which, in what order, Ari? I would go everything everywhere all at once first, and I don't want to overhype it, but I want everyone to see it, so you read into that however you want. But it's sci-fi. I want people to see it.

I hate sci-fi. No, no, no. Don't write off genre. All right. All right. Don't. It's just, just go see it. Okay. And then, and then worst person in the world. Yeah.

And then Licorice Pizza. But all just like, these are nailed movies. There are moments in Licorice Pizza, the third best, where I'm like, it's such a true moment that it's almost, I get choked up. I start like tearing up. I can't help it. I love that. Nailed reality here. Yes. We're such movie nerds on this podcast. Like, it will turn into a movie. I know. I know. This is what you do when you drink, right? What? This is what you do when you drink. Oh, yeah. Let me tell you a pet peeve. Can I do my pet peeve? These fucking dorks.

who come onto a drinking podcast and don't drink. What the fuck kind of shit is that? It's a drinking podcast. You hear that? Don't come in. Well, some people are sober. Well, Apatow was because of us, honestly, because we had to backlog and we recorded with Bert the day before. Oh, did he come on before liquor was invented? Drink! Yeah, Gaffigan. I know you came on at noon. You're Irish! Drink!

No, I hear you. But these people have jobs and they're busy. And we record at noon a lot. Yeah. So Mark and I will usually drink, but we can't blame you if you don't. You have to drink. That's disappointing. I don't know if he boozes. He does. Oh, does he? Yeah, but he was in the middle of a press tour. He probably had like 12 interviews that day. Yeah, that's tough. Well, loosen up a little. And he's got a family. What are we going to like fucking egg him on to get shit face? He's got five kids. Yes. He's got eight kids. He can handle it. You guys are two of the best drunks in New York. Of course, egg him on. He needs a drink. What?

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You got to do this. It's therapy. Very important. Take care of yourself. It's going to change your life. Here, here. What were we just talking about before this? Oh, true moments or whatever. Oh, you had a peeve, you said. Oh, that's your peeve. That's my real peeve. There's a moment where this kid is like trying to flirt with this chick and just there's a moment where he just reaches over and like touches her finger. It just brought me back to like high school and college of like getting that just touch or when your knee touches another knee. It's electric. It's electric.

It's a well-known director, right? Yeah. Paul Thomas Anderson. Paul Thomas Anderson. He just fucking nailed that moment so hard. Are you a big fan of his movies? No, but I know this guy. He hasn't let me down. I haven't seen all his shit. Of course, I'll go. I never saw The Master. I know that's a big one. Oh, it's fun. Tarantino's top five movie, Boogie Nights.

That's Tarantino's top five. Ever? Ever. That's an entertaining with fucking message. It's a great movie. They're friends the way comics are friends. Like, Tarantino loves Paul Thomas. No, he's amazing. Paul Thomas took a shit on Tarantino's bed. Huh? You did a rogue in there. Like, what does that mean? It took me a second. Oh, it can't be a complete joke. It was genre shift. I don't know where we were. She must have been great in bed. Oh, yeah. Must have been just amazing. Yeah.

You know when you're getting to that good, you're like, this might ruin my life. I know. It's like edging, but for your life. Yeah. I love the idea of this trial. You watching the trial? I've been jerking off to it. Clips, yeah. I like when he called her a slippery whore. He has to read the text. He said that? Yeah, it was like Lenny Bruce, where you're almost just like, he's like, well, I didn't say it like that. I didn't say it like that. Exactly. I love the idea that Chris Brown is watching this like,

Why are we going to trial? I'm going to knock this out of the bedroom. You didn't even punch her? Yeah. What do you mean? And Alec Baldwin's watching like, wow, I got off easy here. I bet Amber Heard and Johnny Depp fuck again.

I don't know, man. I think if you're a real artist like Johnny Depp is and you want to live dangerously, you're like... Good point. And all his friends are like, what are you doing, dude? I'm like, I know, but man, she blows me like I've never been blown before. I think so, yeah. She blows me like a low-level actress trying to become mid-level. Yeah. Yeah.

I know Aquaman was well acclaimed, but she wasn't that good. This is what I like about my lady. She'll be like, Johnny Depp, you know, he seems like a nice guy. She's on his side, but she's like, the accent, the outfit. You're from Kentucky. What is he doing? I like that about her. I'm an actor. Yes, we repeat this again. You're not Sir Ian McKellen, dude. No. You're from the fucking south. Exactly. Get out. He looks like he owns a jewelry store or something. You know, he's got the vest on, the man mask.

If he was a nobody and he showed up, somebody said, Big J was saying this, like, what if one of those 80s comics showed up to the club now? Like, Emo Phillips or something like that. We're like, what are you doing, dude? Why are you talking that way? Some of the best jokes of all time. The jokes are great. Oh, yeah. But just that vibe. Emo Phillips rules. Or like, here's my thing. It wouldn't fly now. If Johnny Depp showed up as a young comic wearing a fucking bandana and seven scarves, you'd be like...

I mean, I can't use the F word right now, but like, that's what would happen. Well, it's like that. You ever heard that Demetri Martin story where Mark Maron's like,

He sees him with a skateboard. He's got a long board. And Marin goes, how old are you? And Demetri goes, I'm 28. He goes, you got two more years with that thing. Which just encapsulates the whole 90s comedy vibe. That's the nicest Marc Marin ever was to someone in the 90s. That's as good as it got. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, then now Marin would be like, two years too late for that. I opened for Demetri once, and he said he had a book with him at Caroline's. It was like Patrice, Norton, all these guys. And they're like, he's got a book.

I love reading on the subway. I want Dimitri on this podcast. I would love to have Dimitri. Early Comedy Central. I remember watching that guy when I just started. God damn, he's funny. He's underrated. He's a pure joke guy. I love him. Just all jokes. He's got a scroll of tiny little writings. Dimitri. Get the word out to Dimitri Martin. We want him on this podcast. Yes. Not as much as Tarantino. But still, we want you.

No, we want Dimitri for sure. I mean, he's a great guy. He's one of us. Like I hung out with him in the green room. He just talks like us. He's normal. I heard about him. They said when he had that sketch show, they were like, he was difficult.

Early when I started working in Comedy Central, he was difficult. He always wanted things his way. And then I didn't get it until later. I'm like, oh, no, no. That means he didn't want to take dumb notes from some suit. Exactly. Because he's odd. He's different. He's unusual. So I'm sure they didn't get it. Yeah, they were calling me difficult for the same thing. They were like, why are you editing this for so long? I'm like, because it's some comic story.

What do you mean? I want to make sure it's good. Yeah, I bet they were just like, no, I don't want to take your dumb note on this. Yeah, I mean, you had a show. You sat with me and let me edit and give you notes and then you edit it and then you sent it to me to see if I liked it. I mean, who does that? Yeah, but you got to make it good. You got to respect the comedy. And then comedy, those people will be like, you're being difficult. I'm like, no, I'm just working hard to make something good. Yeah. Yeah.

I keep watching these. I'm such a nerd. I keep watching these. Scorsese, it was four hours. Now I'm on the Tarantino one. That one's four hours. I'm two hours in. What, Doc? The Docs, these YouTube Docs. Some fan makes them, and they're so dense and amazing and...

They all had problems. They all had struggles. Isn't that cool? Cut this out. They begged him to cut the ear thing out of the, no pun intended, reservoir. And they're like, you got to get rid of that. That's going to ruin the movie. It's going to ruin box office. And he's like, I need it in. When are these people going to understand? Let the artists do what they want. That's what's going to make it good. It's not your vision. It's his. So even if your thought is better, this will make people uncomfortable. That's the point. Yeah.

I went into a two-year depression after Revolutionary Road. I mean, it affected me to where I was ready to kill myself. Heavy duty. I knew it would fuck me up. Don't watch it. But I'm like, it's great because of that. Don't fucking nerf it. But it can affect ticket sales. And that's what they're saying. They're not saying, hey, it's bad art. It's bad, whatever. It's like, that's going to hurt the sales. And they might be right, but...

Then don't get into the business. Go do real estate. You know what I just watched is The Girl's Gone Wild, Doc. The guy, Joe Francis. It's on TNT. Dude. TNT. I know. They kept running the ads for it during the NBA playoffs. And I was like, all right, fuck it. I'm going to watch it. And it's literally like the like...

it's first off it's called girls gone wild exposed which you're like all right i get already exposed yeah yeah i get it but then he's like you know he's they're like turns out he was a bad person you're like you don't say turns out the guy who tried to uh exchange tits for a t-shirt wasn't a wonderful human being teenage tits teenage yeah they were underage well there's a great there's a sheriff in it who's like an old man and uh

God damn, I forgot where it was, where the sheriff is. But he's like an old man. He's like, you come into my town trying to barter titties. He's like, you ain't going to get out. That's the best part of Docs is those side weirdo characters. You're like, who are you? Why are you trying to steal the show? He's clearly like trying a little too hard, but it's pretty damn funny. He's like, you don't ever disrespect women in my town. Ha ha ha ha.

And he's like, that's all I do, though. That's literally my job. You're pretty much telling me not to come to your town. I mean, he's been accused of rape, domestic violence. He's a terrible human being. Terrible. But it's pretty fascinating. I mean, he's got so many celebrity friends. The girls did go wild.

It was the right point in time for something like that. Perfect moment. But he was making like hundreds of millions of dollars a year. And then all of a sudden the internet shows up and people ain't spending $29.99 on fucking DVDs. Of tits.

Now we're getting double fisting, anal. Come on. But I heard the lawyer, she said, you know, this is like, it's interesting in porn. They call the money shot, you know, the ending. We all know what the money shot is. But she's like, in this, it was the loss of innocence. It was like when the woman liked it. And you're like, oh, shit, this is pretty dark. Wow. You want to see a normal girl take her tits out. You don't want to see a porn star. Exactly. Good.

I mean, Mardi Gras, I had that all the time. I was like, take your tits out. No. Then I throw beads out. Oh my God, I may as well. It's true. I saw a lot of tits as a kid. Yeah. I saw a lot of dicks too. Yeah. There was dicks at Mardi Gras? That was just Catholic school. But no. The innocence thing is very interesting. That's so true.

The realness. Because that's really why you bought it, was the realness. Jimmy Kimmel always had that funny story back before he was a TV, what do you call it, late night guy. He said the best strip club would be you go in, there's a waitress in like a hoodie and jeans, you know, doing her thing. And then she's got glasses on, you get to know her a little bit. And then she would go up and get naked. That would be a way better strip club than just like the heels and the fishnets and the whole thing. Yeah, and she was like, I shouldn't. I shouldn't. Yes, yes. Really don't fit. Yeah.

That always resonated. I was like, this guy knows. There's a casualness to the nudity of strip clubs. It's unenticing to me. It becomes unspecial. I don't love it. It's just too casual, and there's too many dudes around. I'm not a strip club guy. Me neither. I'm not either. Hooker. There you go. For Norman's bachelor party, we're just watching movies. Hey, that sounds pretty good. We'll watch the Vegas Hookers.

Cat House? No. Bunny Ranch? What is it? The stripper one with the chick from Saved by the Bell.

oh show girl we'll just watch that on repeat with robert loja that movie's pretty funny dude you ever see the family guy thing of robert loja no dude pull that up it's so fucking it's so dumb family guy covered everything they covered everything it's so this is one of the dumbest things i've ever seen but it's like he fucking played along too which is like why you gotta love him was he in it he's in one of them i don't know if he's in all of them but dude

First off, Feach LaManna on The Sopranos. Oh, yeah. Amazing. Here we go. Can you spell that for me? Certainly. That's Robert Loja.

as in Robert Loja. O as in oh my god it's Robert Loja. B as in by god that's Robert Loja. E as in everybody loves Robert Loja. R as in Robert Loja. T as in Tim look over there it's Robert Loja. Space. See family guy will milk it. They will milk. No one else milk. Peter's so angry.

Yeah, he's getting angry. He was in one before he died. I bet that's him, though. That's him. I bet it's him. It's got to be him. I bet Family Guy Raiders is like, this could work for seven different people. Yes. So Paul Robert Lozier first. Tell them, hey, there won't be a negotiation because we have fucking, I don't know, whoever is next. He loves the family. Wow, look at this shit. Oh, that's great. Damn, he was great. He's in a lot of movies. He died? He's got to be dead. He died a few years ago. He was awesome. Thank God.

Ari loves death. No, dude, he was the fucking best. Wow. See, I saw when I was a new comic, like just moved to New York. I was bombing a lot. I was getting yelled at for being whatever offensive. And I saw Seth MacFarlane on some panel on some show. And he was like, I get bags and bags of hate mail. Like I should die, cancel the show, blah, blah, blah. And I remember being like, oh, this guy gets hate mail? Right. I'm fine.

And no one's going to remember that. Anything big. Exactly. Remember him being funny. Anything big. Anything. I'm so sick of it. It's almost so hacky when you're like, there's a backlash to so-and-so. And it's like, of course. It doesn't matter. Yeah, you're boring now. There's every single thing that's out.

Because everyone's like, weigh in, weigh in. And everyone's like, well, I don't want to weigh in the way everybody's weighing in. So it's like, what do you think of that lighter? Is that an extension on the lighter? Oh, cool, cool, cool. And it's like, well, some people are saying it doesn't fit in your pocket as much. A lot of people are saying it doesn't fit in your pocket. You're right. They have to focus on the negatives. Any stand-up writer, any comedy writer, I'm not talking about writing actual stand-up, writing about stand-up. They're only paid...

to shit on things. Yeah. They're not paid to be like, this guy was a great charity. I saw the newest thing now is a podcast critic, John Smith. I'm like, podcast critic? We're sitting around talking about bullshit on microphones while drinking. And you know it's not going to be a real critique going like, I think it's like 20 minutes to get started this week.

Yeah, but critics are only... You have to look at it this way. They're only going to get... If they shit on you, you're only going to get more listeners. You're getting bigger. You're not losing listeners out of that. Yeah. I guess so, but I'm still a sensitive queef where I'm like, eh, who gives a shit? Oh, maybe I am boring. Fucking let them complain. Let them complain. I guess so. They bow at our feet. We're free and they're not. Yeah.

Ari says, and the longest blue socks I've ever seen. Look how free I am. That is a free man right there. These were free gifts. No, they look comfy. I love a comfy sock. They're from Emily at the stand. You do love a comfy sock. I got comfy socks on myself here. I love them. I gave her tickets to, I think, Outside Lands or something. I bought her two tickets because she took so many. I saw the Who there. Whoa. You saw Who there? Yeah. Who? The Who. Wow. Wow.

She took all these death threats after one of my many fucking e-rages. I think the Kobe one, but it might have been a different one. And people just kept calling. She was answering the phones like, I'll fucking kill you. I'm going to bomb that place. And I'm like, Emily.

I'm really sorry I had to do that. Take two tickets to a fucking concert. There you go. Good man. Wait, speaking of things you like, what about a peeve? I got a peeve. Hit me, Fanny. So my building required that we get locks changed for whatever reason. I don't know why. Then you do it, building. Well, they did it. They paid for it. Okay. But...

I, I, the guy comes by and, you know, comes by like an hour and a half late, whatever. I mean, I'm annoyed cause I had to come here, but it's a lot. He comes by late and then he, and then, uh, I go, Hey man, I'm sorry you were late. I got to hop in the shower. And he goes, enjoy.

Well, guess what? Now I won't. Yeah. Now I have to. I'm going to enjoy that. Now I'm going to be in the shower like, yes, yes. This is an amazing shower. Thank you. You can't jerk off with a locksmith. No. Yeah. The worst guy. Enjoy a locksmith. He's in your house. Crack. He can get in your apartment. He was cracking me up. But I mean, enjoy is enjoy is rough. First up, I would never think of even enjoying the shower. It's the thing you got to do.

There's a couple things you can't say enjoy to. Yeah. And showering is one. I'm already going to do this regardless. I wasn't going to not enjoy it, and now I will. Yes. You know, I just saw Speed for the first time. One of the best movies ever. A night or two ago. Great movie. Did you like it? Yeah, it was great. Also on TV. But also dumb. Might be the best action movie ever. It was great. But he loses his partner. Oh, easy.

I don't know. 40 minutes ago and then he's falling in love like everything's going to be great. Yeah. Like your partner just died. I know but tell me a better action movie. It's great. It's non-stop. But also there's this moment where he's going into the house or going under the car or something like that and I forget who it's either Jeff Daniels says to him or he says to Jeff Daniels be careful and it's like

I mean, I'm going to disarm a bomb. I was already going to be as careful. Yeah, right. But he wasn't careful enough. Thanks for telling me. Yeah, enjoy. Fuck that guy. Enjoy. No, I mean, it was kind of funny. No, I hope he dies. Pop quiz, hot shot. Oh, dude, Dennis Hopper? Come on. That's what I'm saying. Speed is fucking awesome. You've got a great villain. Dennis Hopper fires through the roof ten times and can't hit anybody. Yeah, right, right. And then he's like, I'll just go fight this guy on top of a train. Ha ha.

So it makes you realize how cool Keanu's been forever. I know. He looks so young in it. And so did, what's her name? Bullock. Alexander Bullock. She's awesome. God damn, what a tomcat. Wildcat. Wildcat, yes. Yeah, she was great. That was a great blockbuster action popcorn. I'm seeing it because it's like 30 years ago. So I'm seeing it with now looking back and everything's so dumb. And it's like, Sam, wait for the bus. And I'm like,

What do you get the bus at exactly the same time every day? Yeah. There's more than one bus driver in this route. So if you're 10 minutes late, how do you know your bus driver? Right. Well, it's a different time. Different time. It's the 90s.

I will say it feels like we're making a shift to foreign films because there's less annoying bullshit. There's less like the worst person in the world, no spoiler, it's just a bunch of white people. Well, they're Norwegian. They're trying to get on Jay-Z for like, oh, your factory has only white people? And he's like, it's in Norway. Yeah.

There's no line the movie no no this is real actual life that came after because like look at you taking a picture with all your employees at this factory and goes it's my European face Norway Wow they're giving a black guy shit about white work I mean it's but it's like exactly but like yeah foreign films because if you make it like a 70s cop movie here you couldn't do it with the level of racism they actually have right you couldn't show it real.

Right. They'd have to be completely independent. And then even if you try to sell it, they'd be like, no. Even when they remade the Sopranos movie, I thought the racism felt so forced. I agree. It felt kind of like, you know, like in the Sopranos, the racism felt like real. Real. Yes. And then you're watching it in the Many Saints of Newark and you're like, how is this earlier? And it feels more buttoned up. Yeah.

How was this in the 70s and still you're like, wait, what? One of the first ones I saw was the Comedy Store Show, whatever it was called. So I'm dying up here. Yes. And it was like right during Me Too, between season two and season three. And they just started making all these women, like really powerful characters in like the late 70s. Yeah. No. Well, they did that in the Aaron Sorkin I Love Lucy movie.

The Ricardos. Oh, it's awful. I didn't watch it. There's this literally one of the first scenes is a female writer tells the show, the Jess Oppenheimer, whatever his name is, the showrunner, like, like, shut up. And it's like, yeah, that's that's what happened in the showroom. You would got in a red. That's what happened in the 50s. Right. Back of my hand. I mean, it's like I get that it's like all about empowerment and stuff. But like you're either making an accurate movie or you're not. You're making revisionist. Make it in the future. Yeah. Yeah.

And also, Lucille Ball killed it, was amazing, changed the game. She was the one. She was the biggest- The golden star, yeah. Yeah, star on the planet with this TV show about her. Like, that's enough. She made it. That's the movie. Yeah, that's the powerful female character. Yeah, exactly. Just doing it.

Which is also what a lot of feminism is and what a lot of like race, like any Latino comic, when I started, it was like, you own your own car? You're a fucking superstar. Oh, wow. You don't have to be empowering or anything like that. Like Paul Rodriguez and Mencia and like- Soto. Willie Bersena. Mencia would see what car you were driving, he would take it. Yeah.

But it was just like, you're doing it. So that's your empowerment. Feminism is like, you're doing it. That is feminism. That's it. And then it's weird that a lot of people, you know, it's like whitey sucks, but like they'll, they'll, they'll act like the white guy. You know, they're like, I want to be the CEO and wear the suit and everything. You're like, I thought you hated that. Yeah. We invented that. Well, I don't get, I don't get, yeah. I mean,

It was just a different time. Just make it. You don't have to make it through today's lens. That's not. Roseanne did it well. Roseanne was like, I'm going to be a housewife. Great show. Maybe I'll get a job at a fucking diner. Or factory. These were my Midwestern possibilities. That show felt very honest to people. It did. That's why it was so groundbreaking. They opened up a motorcycle repair shop. Same with children. Same shit. It was the same time. It was like, well, this feels very. I'm a shoe salesman. I don't have everything. Every time he walked in, he would go, uh.

A fat lady came into the shoe store today. Applause break. Yeah. That was an applause break. I know. I know. Let's rock. Because it was like fucking like my life sucks. And people liked they they found that funny. Yes. He was the lowest scum of the earth. So when he had a win, you went nuts. Yeah. His wife was just trying to get him to fuck her. I don't know.

And she was way too hot for him. Way too hot. And he was still like, ugh. Yeah. And all he did was reminisce about his four touchdowns in one game. That was great. We can all relate to this. I mean, we could all relate to be like, those were the days. I heard John Hughes was doing a movie before he died. He's writing it about all his characters from his other movies where they are now. What?

And the one that I remember, the nerd from Sixteen Candles was like some CEO somewhere. But the best was Ferris Bueller with some dumb mid-level manager. Wow. He's still talking about that one day he had where he took off school. And he went on a parade and he almost saw his dad. That's hilarious. He's still talking about it. That was his one moment. Well, that's interesting because that show. Norman's favorite, by the way. Love that movie. Yeah, I love that movie. It was great. You say the married with children thing is an interesting point because it was a very like –

lowbrow show. But it was kind of sophisticated in the same way of All in the Family. Whereas, like, you got this protagonist, he's a loser, he's a shoe salesman, he's a balding piece of shit, whatever, flawed, hates his wife. But,

You knew that, and so everything else was all punching up. Exactly. Because he was the loser. He was a loser. His son's a loser. Yes. His daughter's a slut. Yes. I mean, this is like he has not won at all. His wife's unhappy. His last good day was fucking senior year of high school. Exactly. When he happened to find four holes in the fucking line and went for it. Yes. But it's the same with Archie Bunker. He was racist. He was sexist. He was misogynist. He was doing the best he could.

as a raised racist. Yes. He had a fucking dry cleaner friend. And he was the punchline to go, this fucking guy. But you couldn't do that now because they'd go, well, he's a racist. You're like, I know, but that's the joke. He sucks. I know. The joke is, but people are too literal. Yeah, but now if that was the show, that would be the whole show.

That would be the show. That would be the whole show. They're like, this guy's racist. Instead of it being a small part of like, I mean, we've talked about this before, but as good as it gets. Yes. I rewatch it. I'll be like, oh yeah, I forgot Nicholson just is like shitting on Jews. Demeaning women. Oh, Jews. He's like, look at these noses. You know, and you're like, oh shit, I forgot. If they remade this, it was just, he was just shitty in every way. That was the point of Nicholson's character. Right. He was shitty. Yeah, you're right. The women, one of the greatest lines. Just right. Yeah, that's a great line. How do you write women so well? I think of a man and I take away reason and accountability. Yeah.

That's amazing. I mean, it's the best. It won Best Picture for Christ's sakes. Did it? Yeah. No, I think Titanic won that. He won, though. He won. Maybe Best Free Play. What are the ones that should have won and that makes you angry that it didn't? L.A. Confidential's up there. Lost to what? I think Shakespeare in Love. Lame. It wasn't bad. It was good. Oh, wow. Pulp Fiction lost to the fucking Zemeckis one.

Forrest Gump. Everything lost to Forrest Gump. Forrest Gump was good, but Pulp Fiction. I think Forrest Gump is overrated. Did Fargo win Best Picture, Matt? Here's one. In the Bedroom, one of my favorite movies of all time. That's a great Marissa Tomei. Great, deep, dark, lost to Beautiful Mind. That's something I threw a drink down at because I was so mad at it. It did win Best Picture. That's a win. Fargo was amazing. Francis McDormand killed it.

Yeah. Wait, what? Did we get a we got a peeve? Yeah, I got to do a peeve. Yeah, you did a peeve. Yeah, you yelled a peeve. Sorry, I was like, I was worked up. I like that. We might be listeners are going to like that one, too. Listeners should like it.

Because these are good ass drinks. This is my last drink for a while. And the reason I'm doing is because I'm like, oh, obviously I'm going to drink on it. We might be drunk. Hell yeah. Obviously I'm drinking. But these are good ass Boulevardiers. Dude, I planned on old pals, but we called an audible and these kind of worked out pretty damn well. I like the idea of like, we're going for a drink. Let's just do it. Like when we had Godfathers at my house and it was like, we're going for one drink and we're fucking doing it.

That was great. Another Godfather. What is this called? If you haven't listened to that episode, me and Norman did Ari's pod Skeptic Tank. Yes. And that was fun as hell. It's over 100K, I checked. Really? Yes. Killing it. Yeah. Was it Best Picture? Which one, Matt? As good as it gets. What, the Skeptic Tank we were on? No, it was Titanic, dude. That was Good Will Hunting. You can't beat Titanic. That I'll understand. Best actor, best actress. Yeah, and it was James L. Brooks fucking rules. Oh, yeah. He's Great Simpsons. Fuck him.

Nicholson won. Oh, L.A. Confidential? That was a stacked year. Oh, Titanic, you're right. Robin Williams. Kim Basinger was smoking hot in that movie. So hot. So hot. Damn. Wait, what won Best Movie? Titanic. No, Best Film Editing. No, I know. We don't have Best Picture up here. Oh, yeah. We all remember Titanic won. It did win. Boogie Nights, L.A. Confidential, Good Will Hunting. Wow. That's a stacked movie year, dude. Movies suck now. Yeah.

Or American movies suck, I should say. Other people have caught up. We restrained ours too much. It's like Taxi Driver. Well, now here's Uber. Here's the Norwegian film called Worst Woman in the World. And Taxi Driver, great movie. Will Smith was at that Oscars too. He didn't slap anybody. It was the least slappable Oscars. Men in Black, that was a fun movie. Men in Black is great. Oh, yeah.

The first one's incredible. Dude, so he's banned from the Oscars for 10 years. What if he wins another one in like eight years when everyone has forgiven him? He could win. He's going to accept this from his house or are they going to be like, just come, you won. I don't think he's going to win one. I think what he did was horrible. I think what Roman Polanski did was worse. A bit. Yeah, a bit. Both banned. I think what he did was fucking gross. There's no way one of those 12-year-old girls, Roman Polanski, would win.

And they go, what? I just got raped by Roman Polanski. Dude, another huge wreck. This is the greatest night Oscars in the world. Check out the book The Big Goodbye by Sam Watson. It's all about Polanski and Nicholson and the making of Chinatown. It's one of the best movie books ever made. Really? Check it out. The Big Goodbye. Pull up a picture. I love that behind the scenes shit. It's phenomenal. It'll make you think Nicholson's pretty fucking cool too. He was great in...

Easy Rider. Look at that cover. Easy Rider. That was his breakout. That was a pinhead movie for me. They didn't want him in it either, apparently. Really? Yeah, I think Dennis Hopper wanted someone else, and then he was like, no, he killed it. Later, he's like, yeah, he killed it. Yeah, because he was still a newish guy then. He was great as a straight-edge guy who had to be killed because he was the barrier between the hippies and the regulars. Yes. All right, here's my peeve. Yes, sorry. I got two little ones that maybe will add up to a big one. Okay. One...

The guy who puts... Blacks. The guy who puts... There's like limited chairs in a room. And the guy who puts his stuff on a chair. Takes up a whole chair with his bag, his jacket, his whatever. Not allowed. Not allowed. I don't know who opened for Norman last weekend, but we all know this was in a green room. It was. How dare you want your space in a tight room? What's wrong? Fuck off. Put your bag on the floor. Or put it on your lap, put it on your floor. Yes. Absolutely not. You can't do it in a movie theater.

This is someone's seat. I'll take it a step further. Subway. Oh. The bag on the seat subway person deserves to be shot in the face. It's crazy. People are standing. How come the subway shooter should have just been going after that person? Yes. Exactly. Oh, that's why the big thing with man spreading was a big thing. Right. And then they go, what about, there was some pushback, what about these women who put their purses taken up by the seat? You're taking up two seats like this. What about these purses? Uh-huh. Same shit. Good point. You just want your space. Woman spreading. Woman spreading. Uh-huh. Yeah. Purse spread. Bitch spread. Yeah.

um the worst sandwich uh kind of a bitch spread yeah i went to a jewish deli i got some bitch spread it was warm tuna yeah that's one that's one i've had at edinburgh i had like a pack show and it was like we let as many people as you could oversold it and people like putting their shit down it was like hey we have no room like but we have no room someone's gonna sit in this room and watch yes move your fucking thing i know and they always go oh like

oh, you're the good guy here. I'm the bad guy. It's the people who show up early enough before it gets packed where you're thinking like, oh, cool, I have my space. Like, dude, more people are coming. Yeah, that's a good pet peeve. All right, so that was one. I would just... The guy, I know who he is, but I would just move the bag and put it on the floor and sit down. I'm like, I'm sitting here. Wow. There's three chairs in this motherfucker. I played a club once and...

I'm not going to trash the club because I love the club. But there was a guy who was like, my dog is in there. I go on the couch. There'd be a dog, a giant dog spread all over the couch. The green room? Yeah. I don't know. Do I sit on the dog? I'll sit on the floor. I'll sit on the floor and curl up at your feet because I'm a dog. Yeah. Put some newspaper down and I'll lay on the floor. I don't like that.

The owner of the dog needs to step in there and go, hey, sorry about Roxy. It was a cute dog, but yeah, we need some space. Well, the owner, Vitor's cute too, all right? Put him on a fucking couch. I love these parents. I put him on some newspapers. Parents do the same thing where they're like, sorry, my kid's screaming. It's like, yeah, get it out of here. Yes. We're having dinner. Yes. Get your fucking kid out of here. I love peeves. This is my rec. Have more peeves. It's venting. Yeah.

It gets out some of that fucking anger. You're fucking... You're like... You're venting about bullshit and you feel better. Have you had any peeves that the rest... The other two of you guys go... Of course. Yeah. Occasionally. We both push back on each other occasionally, but for the most part...

we're both that that's the most New York shit is just complaining and being like yeah here's one but then also being like life is good here's one yes yeah life is good life is good but it's fun to do this so I have a bunch of text threads with my comedian friends we all do

and you shit on other comedian friends. Sure. And the reason you do this, Big J told me, the reason you do this is so then, let's just say we're shitting on Norman for, oh, he wears plaid so much, fuck him, he wears plaid so much. Is there an innocuous example? The Flannel Boys. Yeah, the Flannel Boys. Why is he always in that Flannel Boys group? And then when you see him, you've got it out of your chest, you're like, hey, Mark, how you doing? Ah.

Instead of like, oh, here he is again with another flannel. You just got to get it off your chest. Yeah, that's so true. So true. Are we calling this episode the Boulevardier Flannel Boys? Boulevardier. Yeah. Do you guys have a house drink at your house?

Oh, yeah. My go-to? I do. Mine is the Godfather, Patron. What is it again? It's Amaretto, a Petey whiskey, which we learned together. The Petey-er it is, the better it is because it offsets the sweetness. I love Petey. You can't have a smooth whiskey. I love Petey. And on like a big cube. Lafroig, Lagavulin, one of those Petey scotches. So that's my house drink. If somebody's coming in,

You know, if I'm coming home or if my boyfriend's coming with some fucking third boy that he doesn't fucking know, you know, then it's like, hey guys, how you doing? Two godfathers to start with. There you go. What's your drink at home, Mark? I go, I'm like you, but you guys are mixing more. I just go straight Lagavulin on the rocks, Ardbeg on the rocks, or tequila on the rocks. Ardbeg underrated. Oh.

Oh, PD. When I did those Amy Schumer gigs, her brother loves Ardbeg. Yes. That's where I got into it. No, you got lucky. Dude, every barbecue I had, by the way, July 4th, you both invited. View of this fucking fireworks. Yep.

Every barbecue I had, Norm was like, I just brought half a bottle of Lagavule. I'm like, what's this half a bottle? You know what? That's better than a full bottle of Mochito. And then we have the rest. Exactly. That's better than most full bottles. Yeah, true. That's a good gesture. Yeah, I'm a big fan. At home, it's usually, if I have a friend over, it's usually either Manhattan, Negroni, or a Martini. Okay.

And occasionally I will just do straight whiskey, but it's usually some sort of mixed cocktail. Cocktail feels like when you have a friend over, it feels like you put more effort in. A friend over, for sure. I mean, if I'm drinking alone, I guess I could do a whiskey. But if I have a friend over, let me mix you. I'm going to fucking...

My friend John Weisberg lives in my neighborhood. You know John? Oh, yeah. Great guy. He comes over. I'm like, I'm going to make you a fucking martini with some blue cheese olives at the moment. Oh. Because that's fucking... No one's ever not been like, oh, hell yeah. Yeah, hell yeah. Right. Just hand someone a cocktail. They don't go, oh, I was hoping for something else. They just go, thank you. That's a good host. Yeah. Right there. Yeah. What's your dream? Liquor dream. I'll tell you mine so you can get it started. My dream is, I can't do it in New York, none of space, to have a globe of...

Open up the little ball. You got the space for that. No, I do not. You can pull it off. Not in my new place, but old place maybe.

Dream liquor? I mean, there's something very special. I can have it in the studio room. I can have it in the studio room. What do you call it? Like a rolling liquor tray? I don't know. Bar cart. Bar cart. There's something so classic. I have a bar cart. That would be cool. You have one. I love a bar cart. And then you can bring it over. You have one? I bought one. When I moved into my new place, I bought one instantly. When I move, I'm going to get one. And then you're like, what do you want? Yeah. And it's like, well, I have each of the mixers. Yes. You have one bottle of Coca-Cola, one bottle of Sprite, and then all the...

Some whiskey, some vodka, some tequila. Yes, vermouth, rye, all that shit. And then you just ready. When they serve a Bloody Mary in that carafe, you're like, yes. Oh, I love that carafe. That's exactly what I want. That's my dream. Give me a shot of an open if you can find it. I want to see it. Can we get one?

Peters, I want that for the new studio. Yes. Can we do it? It's on sale. $100 off. What is it? My father was a drunk. He used to beat me with a globe. I hate traveling. Probably because my dad used to beat me with a globe. Yeah. I tell.

You're getting your own studio? He's buying a new studio, so we're moving like an avenue over. This fucking homo? Matt Peters. Yeah, he owns the place. Wow, really? We love you, Matt. And we're moving Gotham Studios soon, so we're not going to be here that much longer, but we are taking the Patrick Ewing cutout with us. I know you're all wondering. Taking it all with us. He's got movers, thank God. And we're going to, yeah, send all this shit to a block away. Wow, that's awesome. I'm pumped. It's going to be great.

I do love the globe. I like the globe. That's a nice touch for a corner like right in here. I don't know. It looks cool closed. We have two seats and we've also never had double guests and we might have to start doing double guests every once in a while. Let's do it. I mean, I'm seeing double. But yeah. Well, here's my other peeve. Another quickie. And this might be a New York thing.

but I got one. The walking down the big sidewalk. Every now and then you're on a big sidewalk. It's wide. And you get the family that's doing the full.

build that wall. Build the wall. I hate to build a wall because they're always going two miles an hour. They're looking up at the Empire State. They're staring up. Doubles. Yeah, the buildings. Three rows of two, not one row of six. Yes. Now you're walking in traffic. You're risking getting hit by a fucking disgruntled driver. Yes. Just because these people can't spread it out. I'm doing Red Rover out here. Yep. Yep. My peeve, another peeve is that with someone walking too close behind you. Oh.

Just pass. Especially with us because we say horrific things. Pass. Pass. Passing lane. Here's another thing about the Mexicans. Oh, hey. Yeah, exactly. They're on you. And they all got phones now. They can record you. There was me and Joe List, a popular comedian from New York. Never heard of him. And Mark Norman, another guy with a pop cuss about drinking. We were all walking. We saw Ghost, one of the worst movies of all time. Oh, so bad. Yeah.

Is that the name? Ghost? Is it a bad movie, Ghost? I don't know. You're thinking it's Ghost World? Ghost Story? Ghost Story. It's Casey Affleck for 98% of the film. Ghost is with Whoopi Goldberg and Patrick Swayze. Kate Rooney. Yeah. Kate Mara.

Something roany. He wore just a regular ghost coat. Yeah, very pretty. Oh, it's terrible. So bad. So bad. Eating ice cream. Some lady behind us is trying to pass us. We're eating ice cream. We're literally strolling. Yeah. And she goes, oh. Oh, yeah. I forgot about that. We immediately just ripped into her. Like, oh, yeah. This lady's got busy to get a heart attack. She can't fucking wait two seconds. She passed the wrong people. We just started ripping into her immediately. Oh, I forgot about that. We saw a bad movie. We got ice cream. We got friends. Yeah, we were ready to go.

That movie sucked. Sucked. I wanted to like it. And the reviews were all like, wow. I hate when that happens. Hey, critics, step it up. I'm sick of these 95% Rotten Tomatoes movies with 40% audience scores. I'll tell you something. Start liking what you're supposed to like instead of what you should like. 90. Look at that difference. That's

a fucking Chappelle movie I was talking to someone the other day I said oh you know what's a pretty funny movie is a grandma's boy I said the funny movie I look it up 15% on Rotten Tomatoes guess what the audience score is 87 85

That's a fucked up difference. How about this? Freddy got fingered. I love Freddy got fingered. Panda is one of the worst movies of all time. Saw it. The scene where he's having a deep discussion with his father. Rip torn. Yeah. About who's one of the funniest human beings ever. 56. Well, that's a big job. Big job. But still bad. He's having a talk with his dad. A really meaningful. And then he's like, I'm going to make it. Go make it. Son. I'm going to make it.

Yeah. 56 versus 11. If it's a 45 plus point difference. That's massive. Also, these are parents going on there and going, hey, my son watched this. It was a little much. No kids are watching that and going to play hockey. I saw it opening day in the movie theater with two of my friends. We were the only three people in the movie theater. No. Dang. Hey, can I tell you? I was in the worst rated film of all time. Catwoman? No. That's funny.

Jeeley? Jersey Girl? It was a Vince. Goddamn that watch, Mark. Sorry. This is my R.E.O.R. Vince Shlomi directed. We did more Amazing Race and stuff because he wanted to. It was inappropriate comedy. You say Vince Scully? Vince Shlomi. Oh. The ShamWow guy. Oh. I was like, hey, do you want to do more Amazing Race and stuff? No. He just got his tongue bit off by a hooker. He's still fine. And I was like, sure, we can do it. It'll be fine. How much of his tongue is he missing?

Damn. Can he still do the pod? Can he be a guest? He should be a guest. All right. Did he wipe up the blood with the ShamWow? Hey, and Charlie Sheen, the offer is still out there. We want you on the pod. We're big fans. Charlie, have a drink with us. We'll either have beer, Jew, or I'll fucking make... I'm a decent bartender. We can make some tiger blood, baby. Charlie Sheen? Yeah. Do coke. Yeah. If he wants to do coke, you do coke. Mark's never done it. You've ever done it? With Charlie Sheen, I would do it.

I'm not doing that. That's a Snoop Dogg. That's a Snoop Dogg of a blunt. Yes. Yeah. He's a Snoop Dogg of coconuts. You got real ones. All right. So what was your story? What was it? Tom Green. Freddie got fingered. Maybe that was the end of it. It was just the worst rated movie of all time. Inappropriate comedy. Tom Green should come on here, man. I love Tom Green. He's a sweet guy. I love that guy. Inappropriate. 2013. Oh, you're in this. Look up the rating. Look. I was with Oscar award winner Adrian Brody and me. We're in a film together. Wow.

That cast has range. Adrian Brody and Rob Schneider. 2.7 out of 10. 0%. Wow. Well done. Well done. Audience scored 22%. I'm pretty close to the critics. 0%. Oh, man. That's impressive. Good for you. Horrible watch. I will not watch again. Actually, it buys against watching. That's a badge of honor.

All right. We got to wrap this up. We've been here four hours. Ari's taping a special at Skirball. No, not at Skirball. They would not have me back. Fuck Skirball. Where is it? It's at the Roulette Intermedium where a great comic named Sam Murill once taped a special, which I was at. So did Chris DeStefano. So Gary Goldman, a lot, a lot of good specials. Gary taped the great depressor. Chris taped size 38 waist there. Sam Murill, uh, taste, uh, positive influence. Uh,

Ari was there that night. I was. I bet a lot of you were there. It was great. Dude, I've seen this show. I haven't seen it in a while because it's been the pandemic, but it's called Jew. It's called Jew. It's all about Jews. It's all about you growing up as a Jew. Yeah, and what Judaism is and stuff like that. But honestly, it's just a Club Funny special. It's a lot of fun, though, and it's a very unique story, and you really should go see this roulette. What's the date? June 11th and 12th, Saturday and Sunday. There it is. Beautiful. I am...

It's my last venue in Brooklyn. What? Great venue. Great venue in Brooklyn. Yeah, in Boreham Hills. Yeah. When you say Brooklyn, it's like, that could mean anything. I know.

It's right by Atlantic Avenue. It's right by the Barclays Center. It's like two blocks from the Barclays Center. It's like right in the heart of it. You're going to be fine. It's a great venue. Kevin Durant will be there, so will Kyrie Irving. Yeah, exactly. They're out of the playoffs. I've seen nuggets of this special throughout, you know, at the Cellar, at the Stand, at New York, whatever it is. The chicken swinging the neck. A lot of weird stories. Legitimately, what I say is, it was like, same thing with the stories, where I'm like,

this has to, for myself, this has to be club funny. For sure. So like, when I was doing the stories in LA, I'm like, I have to be able to follow Bobby Lee with this stuff. Sure. And what I say here is, like, these bits have to be able to follow Mark Normand. Yeah. If they can't follow Mark Normand,

then it's not good enough. For sure. So it's like, I forget the theme. It's got to just blend in in a show where you don't notice it. That was funny too. That's good. It's important to do your stories at a comedy club as well. Yes, because these one-person shows can get a little indulgent and sluggish.

slower because people are with you no matter what I saw Birbiglia going after me at the cell last night I'm like I think it's cool that Birbiglia does cellar spots and he's doing one man show stuff too I think it's very cool can you sway them into your point of view when they're like I want jokes like I will give you jokes it will be also something else it's a different thing and it's it is a harder thing to do in a club yeah

But you can do it. Yeah. You just have to do it. It is. You're right. It is harder doing a 15-minute set in particular. Yeah. So good on you for doing it that way. So I'm taping it June 11th and 12th. This is my last day drinking. I'm going to keep going hard today. Whoa. I want to look good for it. You're going to look great, man. Thank you. Wow. You can't just change your face. Yeah. Adrian will open for me on Sunday. Good luck. He's doing Denver on the Saturday. Oh. I love Adrian. Any other road gigs already coming up?

Yeah, I got Jacksonville with Adrian, Caitlin Palufo in Louisville. Nice. That's a fun weekend. And Buffalo's. That'll be done. But like Kansas City with DeVito. Nice. And I'm doing a residency all the Jew hour in Austin Memorial Day week. I don't know, man. All right. Chicago the day after Mark Norman, June 18th. Oh. And Minneapolis the day before Mark Norman. Are we flip-flopping there? At the Pantages? Yeah. Yeah. Are we flip-flopping? I guess so.

Well, a lot of crossover. Come see both of us. Why not? Do two nights of comedy. See some Jew and some Goy. We'll mix it up. And Tampa. Have we added a third show? I think so. Great. They're both sold out. Yeah. Yeah. That's going to be a wild, wild night. Wild weekend. Be a part of it. Say hello. Be a part of it. It's going to be great. Have you guys started taking Santa for granted yet or not? No, I love it. I love it so much. I'm very gracious. I mean, after the pandemic, I think it,

I don't know when this comes out, but we got East Providence, Rhode Island. You're taping your special the same way that I am, Sam Morrell. But it's in a different city. In Chicago and New York. Chicago, I can't wait. But Dan, we're going to have a lot of fun. Are you taping three nights? Yeah. You're taping three nights? Three nights. Why not? Smart. What, one, two, two?

Or 2-2-2? 2-2-2. Wow, good for you. Tampa, Cleveland, Houston, West Palm, Dania Beach, Buffalo, all that shit. San Jose, you're going to see me soon. I'm adding dates. I forget to put them on my site, but a lot's coming. That first drink after the second show, the third night...

I'm going to be fucking lit up, buddy. Okay, let me give you a suggestion. Please. Because I'm doing this. I love my favorite scotch is this Kaulale. Oh, yeah. I've had that before. Oh, yeah, we had it. Kaulale. Ten, I think. I bought an 18. Year. 18 year to have after my special where it was like I had to order from Scotland. It was like 250 bucks.

And I'm like, I'm going to have this as a reward for get yourself a fucking fine liquor. I'm going to do it. To have with you and your friends and whoever's there. Wow. The same way Robert Kelly. Gary Vee is going to be back in the wagon. Exactly. Robert Kelly brought a box of cigars for Joe List's wedding. And he goes, it doesn't matter if you take two puffs. Have a fucking nice cigar. That's a good call. Wow. I love it. Love Bobby. Wait, when is your special? We got to get Bobby. June 11th and 12th.

in New York Brooklyn New York ah damn I want to be there Sunday is the second day I'll be there okay yeah I'm gonna try if I'm back I'm gonna definitely come to that nice I would love to have you guys I'll tell you this we all went to Becky Owens special oh yeah because we were there me Sam Shane Big J uh

The great Mike Vecchione. Yes, Shane Gillis. Look out for Mike Vecchione. One of all of our favorites. Josh Adam Meyer. It was just like a bunch of comics. And Nate had his own personal bus out front. He goes, go on there, drink. And it was just such a fun hangout. Oh, the best. And we got done with the first show. We all fucking, you know. It was just like.

It was like when you got passed. Yes. It was like that. We're like, way to go. We did it. I love him, man. Beck is so underrated. Killer. Me and Shane went in there and tried to not get too drunk to heckle for the second show. But it was just like, it's a fun, friendly environment. You fuck up your friend's night. Yeah. Same thing with Michelle's special at the scoreball. It was like, I like when everybody's there. He did an Inuit Zanies in Nashville. Oh, beautiful. Mike Vecchione, one of my favorite jokes of all time, where he goes, I signed up to be a private detective online and they just took my money. And I thought, I just got ripped off.

This is my first case. Ah, brilliant. The great Mike Vecchione. He had a great joke where, I'm going to butcher this, I've been drinking, but he goes, I went to a vending machine to buy condoms and they got stuck, so I started shaking the machine. He's like, maybe I shouldn't have a kid. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

And he says it better. Here's another one, too, where he goes, you know, I saw a vending machine for condoms and aspirin. Now she's got no excuse. Oh, no headache. No excuse. Yeah, great joke. Wow. I'm in Huntsville, Alabama at Stand Up Live. Minneapolis, Pantages. Come see me, not Ari. Chicago at the Vic. Cleveland, Ohio at the Agora.

some Burt dates whatever that is that's where Burt takes a special of the Agora in Cleveland it's selling horribly Mark's making the move we'll see it was so funny to see Mark Norman at Chappelle Chappelle movie in Madison Square Garden he didn't see it he came afterwards yeah

You can cut any of this out you want. Uh-oh. But we're there. Somebody goes, hey, Mark, what did you think of the movie? He didn't see the movie. He just came with Che afterwards. Che was like, hey, we're going to the after party. You want to come? He's like, oh, sure. He goes, Mark, what did you think of the movie? He goes, a little self-serving, but a little self-indulgent, but overall good. And the guy's like, yeah, you're not wrong. And then the guy left, and I was like,

You didn't see it though, right? He goes, I'm just guessing. But anyway, the point is, Mark Norman's making the jump now, the same as Sam Morrill. It's crazy to see you guys make this jump. It's crazy to see you make the guys, it's like, it's not that I don't believe it, but it's the same as Sebastian. It's like, I know you from the guy who worked at the Four Seasons. Sure, sure. So it's like,

It's so fucking epic to see the jump of top comic in the world. It's very strange. It's cool. We'll be back. We'll be back. I remember opening for Jim Jefferies in 2011, and Jim sold out every show at Caroline's, and he goes, we'll see this place on the way back down. Oh, my God. That sums it all up right there. Houston Improv Comedy Club, Red Bank, New Jersey, LOL in San Antonio, and...

All kinds of fun stuff. MarkNormanComedy.com. We love you. Keep listening. WeMightBeDrunkPod.com. Patreon.com slash WeMightBeDrunkPod. Great guest. You sell these glasses? We sell these glasses on the website. WeMightBeDrunkPod.com. Gotham Studios. We love you, Matt. Yes. Ari, go to that special if you're in New York. It's going to be awesome. It's going to be so cool. Don't fuck up. Go to that special. Great episode. Yes. Flew by. We did what? Two hours, Matt? Yes.

Easy. How was normal? An hour. Not two hours. Change. Yeah.

I love these ones where we all got some chemistry of like real people. I know. We can just chill and drink and talk and relax and be ourselves. But that's going to be a great special. Even if you're not Jewish, go see it. No, seriously. Buy tickets. No matter what, it's going to be fun. Let's train on each other. And skeptic tanks. Skeptic tank, check out the pod and get on the Patreon. Get a shirt. Get a glass. Get a drink. Get a life. Thank you. I'm bobbed already on two drinks. I know. They were huge. I made huge drinks. Make another. Sunday's a day.

We might.