Ep 76: Joe List w/ Emperor's Clouds & Mist
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Hey, hey, folks. Here we are. We might be drunk. We're doing it. We're back. Worlds are colliding. We got a big guest. An old pal. We might be Tuesdays. Oh, we might be gay. We might be a lot of things. How are you, Jojo? Genuine question.

Where are the cameras? Am I on? Am I here? One here. One here. One here. I noticed none of them are pointing at me. Oh, this guy. Is this mine? That's you. That's your camera? That's your A. You're good. I'm looking at you assholes and I don't see nothing. Oh, yeah. All right. So do I talk to you or do I talk to the people at home? Talk to us. Hey, folks. We're the hosts.

Yeah, we're going sober today. You got a green tea, I assume? I got an Emperor's Clouds Mist Grande. Just had my chocolate chip cookie in the lobby. What is an Emperor's Mist? Don't worry about it. No, it's a green tea. It's like a standard green. You want to sniff? Yeah.

You might get a little bit of my breath on the lip there. Sounds like a good queef. It's an emperor's mist. Not bad, right? That's all right. Just a typical green. There's also the jade citrus mint. That's a mint green tea, and I don't care for the mint. I don't like the mint either. Tea I associate with being sick. I can't do tea often. Oh, interesting. Don't tell the British. Well, it's like chicken noodle to me. It's like I can't get amped up for it because I'm like, I just am like, I'm sick. I love chicken noodle.

I like it too, but I get it when I'm sick. I see. Associate. I always think this, though. People are always like, if you're sick, have a little green tea. But I'm like, I drank three green teas a day, every day, and I got sick. Yeah. It must be how rappers feel with Sizzurp. They're like, you need some cough medicine. He's like, that's all I drink. I mean, I mix it with hooch. What's Sizzurp? They drink cough syrup to get fucked up.

I had NyQuil for the first time during COVID. I'd never had it. It works. It's incredible. Delightful, yeah. It's great. Fantastic. We call that a free lapse in the sobriety business. Is that right? Yeah, you take a nice NyQuil. Whoa. Yeah, it's pretty good. Silent free lapse. So is it allowed? Well, I take the pill form. I wouldn't take the liquid because next thing you know, I'll be raping your father on Christmas Eve. Because it does come in a glass, a shot glass. Exactly. No, don't. You got to do pill.

Damn. Oh, yeah, I never thought about that. Starts with mucinex PM, it ends in a fucking glory hole. Yeah, no, there's people that do that. People, like, alcoholics, they drink hand sanitizer or whatever, NyQuil. Damn. Yeah. I've crushed up a Tylenol PM and shoved it up my ass. Sure, snort that shit. Do a line. Yeah. Tylenol PM works, too. That'll knock you right out. It will. Benadryl? Eh.

I've kicked that because I'm immune. Well, you wake up. It's not quality sleep. Well, Tylenol, PM, and Benadryl is the same drug. Ah, shit. The same sleep drug. It's all mental. What do you do? Do you take a drug to sleep? Anything? People are starting to hate that watch, by the way. Really? A lot of comments. It's a problem. Oh, damn. It buzzes every hour. It said someone wrote Mark Norman's watch. The guy did like three takes of it. It was one of those tweets where he deletes it, rewrites it, and then writes it again. Ah.

But he was like, Mark Norman's watch has interrupted more podcasts than Will Smith. It didn't make sense, but it kind of made sense. Doesn't make sense, but you can see that they don't like it. Yeah, all right. Right between the lines. Interrupted more comics than Kanye.

I'm trying to punch it up. Did he interrupt? Well, I guess interrupt is the wrong word. He fought with D.L. Hughley, Pete Davidson, and Trevor Noah. And Mike Myers, right? Is that right? Oh, Mike Myers. He just made it weird, right? He just made it weird on SNL. That's a different podcast. Pete Holmes podcast.

Well, D.L. Hughley, I didn't know he had beef with him. D.L. was like a former crip, I think. Is that right? I wouldn't fuck with D.L. Interesting. Yikes. It's on the D.L. Yeah. I had no idea he was a crip. Not anymore, it's not. Yeah. No, he came from the gangs, I think. I mean, Matt, maybe fact check that. D.L. Hughley seems like such a... I guess he does have a neck tattoo. Hmm. So...

Maybe you got something here. Was he a crip? The blood, sir. Oh, ee-ho. That's a big fuck-up right there. That's like the N-word for that. Yikes. I don't think we're supposed to be talking about that. It's on Google. Yeah, well, Google's not a person with a podcast. They're not going to stab Google. Who's Google? Which one was that? Was that Bezos?

Google? Yeah. No, maybe this is Amazon. Who did Google? Yeah, who did Google? Who started Google? Well, there's Zuckerberg with Facebook. Yeah. And then there's the other guy. Larry Page. Trump was the president. Who's the CEO now? It's not them now, is it? What's his name? Apple. Jobs. Who was the guy that Nate went on his boat and he owned the Blazers? Sundar Pichai. No, it's not Sundar. It's my favorite green tea. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

I think I hiked Sundar Poochie in Peru. Oh, yeah. October 2015. I don't think he invented it. We would have heard that name. I've never heard of Sundar. How did Google, because Yahoo was the one. There was Bing. Remember Bing? Chandler Bing. Yes. Hotbot. Hotbot. Hotbot. Hotbot was another one. Ask Jeeves. That was something. Oh, yeah, Jeeves. Yeah. That was in the Gullman joke, according to AskJeeves.com.

That didn't last. I don't think Sundar invented Google. Was Bill Gates Google? Too Sundar. Microsoft. Oh. I suck. I think it's Larry Page. Who's that? It's that guy. The guy with the bad haircut. Yeah, that's tough. It's funny how the richest people have the worst fucking haircuts. Yeah. Zuckerberg. That's true. Supercuts.

Yeah. He's got the bangs. He does. It's weird. Who else? It's a long list. It was that guy in Zuckerberg, basically. It was an unearned premise on my part. Musk doesn't have great hair. No. So maybe he got something here. Bezos is the wolf.

No one knows this guy. You'd have to bring a picture of him on stage. Yeah. Oh, yikes. He cleaned it up, I guess. Yeah. He's like the Robbie... What was that guy's name? Fuck. I forgot his name. Robbie Pra? No. Robbie... You know Robbie, the golf instructor. He got the haircut. Golf instructor. He's a comedian. Oh, Rob Bernstein? No, that's a different guy. A comedian. He teaches golf. Robbie Collier.

Oh, Collier! I didn't know he was a golf teacher. I forgot about him. Yeah, Robbie Collier. He looked like that, and then he got his hair all fixed up. He looks great. Really? I thought he looked okay before, frankly. Wow. Yeah. Well, some women will tell you, if you're going bald, just own it, baby. Yeah. That's what's hot in a man, owning. Yeah, well, Bruce Willis made it kind of cool. Yes. He looked good bald. Yeah. He did. Bruce Willis, George Picard.

John Luke. John Luke Picard. Yeah. Who's George Picard? George Picard is another actor from- That's George Pappard. Pappard. Yes. He's in My Breakfast with Tiffany. Statham's hunk. I think Ben Kingsley kind of has something. He's Gandhi. Yeah. Sexy beast. Sexy beast is solid. Look at all these guys. Black guys are different though. Jason Kanter? Jason Kanter? Sure. Yeah.

There you go. Travolta went bald. Duval. Alan Lefkowitz. The women are attracted to him. No. Sarah talks about how they're attracted because he's really listening. He's thoughtful and he's listening. He fucked my ex-girlfriend. It was fucked up, man. What? No. Alan fucked my ex. Whoa. He fucked Judy Gold? Yeah, dude. Oh, shit. And my mom, dude. Alan fucked my mom. Well, no better guy to talk about it with. Who else? Who gave me some other bald dudes? Bald and hot. Prince William. Prince William.

Yeah. Stanley Tucci's kind of cute. Ed Harris is hot. Ed Harris has got something. Women like Stanley Tucci, for sure. Oh, yeah. I like him. Would you? Yeah. I don't like how he tried to become Bourdain, though. That kind of bugs me a little. Yeah, a lot of guys tried. I wish he'd kill himself. What's his face? What's a good name? He's a cute guy. Philip Rosenthal? Phil Rosenthal tried a Bourdain thing. The manager? Yeah.

Vitor loves that show. Really? Yeah, he's Everybody Loves Raymond. Yeah, that guy. Yeah, people love that show. He has his own show? Yeah, he's got a food show. But isn't he Ray Romano's manager? No. No, he was the- Co-creator. Co-creator of Everybody Loves Raymond. Ray Romano, I'll say, is the nicest dude on the planet. The nicest comic. Yes. He's the only famous dude that pops into the cellar and is like, oh, I don't want to bump you.

Yeah, yeah. Every other famous person's like, I'm going to do an hour and a half. You're going to fucking wait at the table. You're not going to see your family for a while. Ray Romano's literally like, no, I don't want to inconvenience you. True. Great guy and hilarious. Funny. Funny comic. Nice enough to do Ray Allen's show. Wow. That's saying something.

That's nice. Not Aruba. No. Okay, he's not going there. No, certainly not. Tell your Aruba Tony Woods story. This kills me. Oh, I told it on Rogan and it bombed, but... Oh, well, we'll laugh. Everything goes over his... Talk about bald hot guys. Oh, yeah, he's a bald hot guy. He's bald. Tony Woods...

Tony, I've probably heard this story a million times. Sorry, I'm a little hoarse from sporting events, but Tony Woods is in Aruba and he's late for every single show. I love him. And so he's like in the eighth floor. So he's late for every single show. A hundred percent of the show is in the hotel room, but he's late every show. It's in the ballroom. So yeah. So Ray Allen in the hotel. Yeah.

Ray Allen says, I got an idea. I'll put him in the room across the hall. That way he doesn't have to find his way. I can just go and get him when it's time. Wow. So Ray Allen, the first show of the second week, he goes over, he knocks on the door and he says, I just gave Dan Adam in the light. And Tony Woods goes, all right, I'll jump in the shower. He's a classic. It's a two minute light.

He's a classic Tony Woods. He really is. He's always got his Cavasier. He's the ladies man, you know? I feel like I've never connected with him because he's more of a, he's a drinky party guy and we'd never collided then. I feel like if I knew him 10 years ago, we would have gone to some titty bars and drank and had fun. That guy's got hours of material. He's a funny dude. Yeah.

Classic. And he does ours in one set. But I love the guy. I'm a fan, but I've met him 500 times. And he's like, hey, who are you, a young brother? And I'm like, yeah, we've met. The first 30 times, he was like, it's great to meet you. And I'm like, it hurts every time. I know. Every time you say that. There's a lot of guys like that. Attell was like that for a long time. Natterman is like that for quite a while.

It's these scatterbrainy kind of guys. Once you get in, you're in, but it takes a minute. Isn't that weird that we probably do that to people? We've probably met young comics and they're like, hey, nice to meet you. And they're like, oh my God. You're probably right. That's the therapy right there. What do you mean? That you have the awareness to just be like, oh, we've had our impact on young comics. Yeah. That's you being in therapy. Yeah. Or it's ego being like, where are those guys now? Either way. Either way. Or your self-awareness. I'll take your interpretation. I took it as ego, but yeah. Really? He flipped it.

But I think it's also just like the idea of being like, oh, this is our impact. Like we're talking about these people. This is what we do. Sure. Well, I do think that because I was talking about this the other day. I remember being at, I went to the New York Film Academy, as did Mark back in 03. I remember walking up the village, going to the cellar and like stopping my classmates and being like, that's Dan Natterman. Yeah.

I'm like, Dan Natterman's having a slice of pizza right there. And they're like, what? And I'm like, he's been on The Tonight Show. It's insane. Like, literally starstruck because I was like, holy shit, that's Dan Natterman in the wild. Yeah, he's been on Letterman. Yeah, exactly. He's been on a couple late night spots. Our buddy James Smith has the best Dan Natterman story. Oh, that's a great story. Where he sees Dan Natterman and goes, oh my God, you're Dan Natterman. You were on Letterman last night. And Dan Natterman's sitting on a stoop. He goes, yeah, and look at me now. Look where I am now. I'm on a stoop. Ha, ha, ha.

It's great. I mean, he's just such a miserable... Well, that's how it was. When you were younger, you're like, oh, you do Letterman, you're famous the next day. You do Conan, you're a millionaire. But, you know, it's five minutes. You're on with Snooki and Paula Deen, and then you go home. Yeah. That's it. You're doing better than Paula Deen right now. Ah, yeah.

Do you remember the first time? You never admit. You got to not admit. That was the problem with Paula Deen. She thought she was doing the right thing. Wait, wait. She's like, yeah, I've said the N-word, you know, I'm trying not to, and then like, you piece of shit. Oh, interesting. She should have been like, no, that wasn't me. I don't know what you're talking about. I feel like white people cancel more than black people. Oh, they love her, of course. Yeah, I mean, it was like, they were like, no, you fucking bitch. Yeah. There was a lot of memes about like, the jigging wings are good, though, you know, or whatever it was. They love Paula Deen. Do you remember the first person you met who had been on TV?

Mine was Paul Nardizzi. I remember being at the Comedy Vault and he had been on Conan. He was going on Conan like the next day. He was running his set and I remember going after him and like looking at, like really like looking at him. Yes. And being like, what? You're staring. I was like, this guy is on TV tomorrow. Yes. And I went on after him and I went like, they just had the best guy on the show and now the worst guy. What? And I remember coming off stage and this guy, Artie Januario, who only started a month before me, like, why would you do that? Yeah.

Like, he didn't just say, don't do that. He made me answer, like, why would you do that? Right. And I was like, well, because I'm like, I'm new and I suck. And he's good. And he's like, why would you say that? That's just Boston, dude. And I was like, I don't know. And he's like, don't ever say that. Don't tell the audience you're bad. Oh. I was like, all right. You need those every now and then. You're like, I didn't know that was a bad thing to do. Right. And now I know. It's like, one time we did Sacramento years ago. It was my first...

Weekend on the Road. With DeRosa. With DeRosa headlining. I remember when you both were telling me you were doing this. You featuring, I'm hosting, I'm a new comic, and I went up and I had a couple jokes about my day job, my day job, whatever, and you pulled me aside. You're like, why would you tell him you have a job? I'm like, because I have a job. And you're like...

Like, they think you're a comedian. Be a comedian. I was like, oh, I didn't know we couldn't have a job. I stand by that. You buy a ticket and the guy goes up there and he's like, yeah, I work at Sears. You're like, what am I? What the fuck? I don't know when I see a guy that works at Sears. Yeah, it's almost like you're working against yourself. Yeah, you gotta be like, I used to work at Sears. Now I'm making millions here. I'm seeing at the Sacramento Punchline. Never crossed my mind, but I still think about that to this day when I'm showering. Sacktown, the Bay Area, and Backtown. How was that weekend? Great.

Oh, yeah. It was great. I remember Bjorn, our manager, left us. And I also remember another moment that I remember. Mark and I were sitting in the pool and DeRosa came. He's like pulling his hair out. I wonder what he's going to do with his life. And he's like, at some point, I got to move to L.A. I mean, we all do, obviously. I remember being like, move to L.A.? Why would I move to L.A.? And he's like, we have to. Don't you think? Yeah. And then he was also like, I want to be Woody Allen. I was like, so do I. He lives in New York. Oh.

Not the movies. I just wanted to have sex with my daughter. For sure. I think you guys, there was some butting heads at that point. Yeah, DeRosa and I had a lot of touch, but now I think we're cool. I saw him the other day, by the way. DeRosa's amazing. I love him. He did our episode and was amazing on the show. He's great. Yeah, he's so good. I was really blown away. So funny. He's also amazing on his podcast. Great pod. That I don't listen to, but...

I watch the clips. I die laughing, and then I don't listen to it. It's all you need. A good taste is perfect. Yeah. A taste of a taste. Taste bud. It's hard to commit to a comedy podcast when you're a comedian. It is. Yeah. It is. It's so true. I don't want to be influenced in any way. I want to just listen to news or sports. I don't want anything that's comedy. Yeah. You don't want to be fun. Yeah.

Did we used to date? This sounds familiar. There's also 5,000 of them. So you're going to listen to all of them, you know? It's tough to pick. Yeah. It's also weird to listen to your friends on a podcast. I mean, I could call you guys up on the phone. True. True. But there was once you were on Fitzsimmons and I was lonely somewhere and I was like, I'll listen to this. Really? Yeah, because if I call you, I got to think of stuff to say. That's true. But if it's a pod, you're doing all the work. It's almost like catching up while you're just laying there. Yeah.

Yeah, that's all right. Yeah, I don't listen to any. I should. I mean, I literally watch the clips and I'm like, this is amazing. Right. I don't know why I wouldn't think to listen to the other 42 minutes, but I never have. Well, I sat there and I thought, why? I'm with a group of guys. I'm looking at my phone every time I get bored. And I sat there and I thought, why am I looking at my phone? I got these good, good, funny people here. And I realized it's because you don't have to interact. Interacting is work.

Of course. And listening is a whole thing. And listening. I'm dying right now. Sorry, what were you talking about? Exactly, exactly. But it's good to put that work in. It pays off and it comes back and it's better. But the easy route is just to scroll. Yes. It's mindless, but you never feel good after. No, no. It's like the equivalent of a one-night stand. You're like, what was that? But the scroll does help you not have the awkward moment because everybody wants a break.

So it's nice because in the old days, you'd just be sitting there in silence and you'd have to be like, where'd you get the shirt? You have to fill it in. But now it's like, all right, well, look, we're doing phone time. It's a commercial break. That's where it is nice. As long as you don't overly overdo it. Right, right, yeah. But I just had that. I was just on a trip with Sarah, my family, and it was like, my family hangs out 24 hours a day or whatever.

18 hours a day and there's no break at all so we're like exhausted that physical exhaustion of just being on all day and then you need some booze to soften a little yeah but you don't do that they're all boozed up yeah is that weird that they're drinking and you just don't do that

Sorry for just belching on the microphone. No, you don't have to apologize here. No, not really. Not anymore. I mean, that's the most triggering for me is family because it's like that's how they connect and they're drinking and it's obviously the stress of family. So it would be nice. But no, not really. It's the same. My ladies from Boston and all they do Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, whatever it is, I'll go visit and it's just 10 a.m.,

Somebody cracks that first beer and then they go, oh, okay. And now they're all drinking. And I will take walks because I need a break. I need a breather. And they're like, give me shit about the walks. They're like, what are you doing out there? Who are you talking to? Who are you walking with? I'm like, I'm just taking a walk. They're like, why are you taking a walk? And they kind of take it personally. And I'm like, no, I'm a weirdo. And I imagine it's the same way. Yeah, no, Sarah hates it because like her family is so different than my family. Her family, you hang out for like two hours and you talk about like,

South African politics. Her mother's the smartest person on the planet. They're literally having an in-depth discussion of 1300s West African politics. I'm like Costanza. I'm like, what about sports? That's how I feel. I'm just dying. You're just like Trevor Noah or something? I have literally nothing to add. But then they all go off into their separate

things we'll go for a bike ride and a run everyone goes to their own room and watches their own tv and then they like reconvene my family there's no intellectual conversation whatsoever but it's it's all day long that would kill me as a kid yeah she's dying but i'm like that too now when we go on hangs you'll see i'll be like where the fuck where's sam why is sam writing why isn't he sitting here talking with us right right with sacramento we did that you're like i noticed you never write i'm like we're hanging out

Why would I write? I'm a big alone time guy. I like to kind of have a routine and wake up and make my coffee and sit at the computer and go through the paper and try to come up with premises. Hanging too much stresses me out. I get it. I'm the same way. I'm that way. But then when you're with family, that's why right now I feel like

You're fried. Because I'm like, I've just been hanging for like... And then before that, I was on vacation sharing a house with a family. So I've been like with people close quarters for like 11 days. And I was like, come straight to a podcast. Yeah, believe me, I don't want to be here. Now that I'm here, it's great. It is fun. You always dread to do the thing, but then once you're at the thing, it's usually...

That's all of life. That's all. You've got to get over that hump. That's what I'm saying with the phone. Put it down, and there's that hump of awkwardness, but you get over it, and it's better. Hump of awkwardness. That's my high school story. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Can we talk about your movie coming out? Yeah, let's talk about it. It's coming. It's coming soon. I'm proud of you and I'm excited to see it, man. Oh, thanks. It might suck. I watch it and I'm like, oh, God. Why? Well, it's like there's sentimental things and I'm like, are we just assholes? Because we have so many cynical comedy fans. They're going to watch it and look at it and pretend to cry. What a fucking homo. And you've trashed so many movies that it could come back to you. Well, that's the problem. I have to wipe my entire movie podcast and half of our podcast.

I'm like a cunt. I'm on the record. Robert Redford's a piece of shit. He's dog shit. I stand by it. But now I'm in a movie. You don't like Redford? I think he's bad. I think he's actually bad. I think that he's... Overrated? He's just not as good. He's just outclassed by... He's no Paul Newman. He's just a movie star. He's like a handsome guy. He's relatively flat. And everyone's like, well, what about The Sting? And it's like, The Sting is great. The Sting is a good movie. One of the best scripts ever. He's got Newman there.

And it's a beautiful movie. Same with Butch Cassidy. But he's just Redford. He's not great. I shouldn't say he's bad. It's just funny to say he sucks. Sure. But he's very... I watched the one on the boat. It's just him. I think we got a Redford fan here. That is bad. The one on the boat is bad. It looked awful. It's really, really bad. I was like, how about Castaway with an older guy? Right. He just doesn't have range. He's not a rangeful actor.

I think all the president's men is fucking boring. It was a little boring. It's just like, it's a slow movie for the seventies, which means it's really fucking slow. Yeah. But I just made like Redford.

Obviously, he's better than me. I suck. My movie sucks. But Robert Redford, he doesn't have... You have to do that now that you're a filmmaker. He doesn't have that performance. I mean, he doesn't like... Pacino, you watch Dog Day and the Godfather movies. You're like, I don't care what he's done. Dog Day's top five. Same here. I don't care what he does with spiky hair and the yelling and the fucking like...

Whatever. You let it go. He can do all that. He's got Dog Day and he's got the two Godfather movies. And Cruisin' is also great. I mean, the movie's not great. Serpico. Serpico. The Insider, one of my favorites. He's just so great in those. And like, obviously, De Niro and Paul Newman and Nicholson and Brando. Dustin Hoffman. So Redford gets put in this class because he's such a movie guy. Right. Interesting. And he's just, he's very flat. He's very Robert Redford. I think the same way about Clooney. Oh, I'm a Clooney fan. What about his directing? It's embarrassing.

Because A River Runs Through It, I think, is solid. I think he directed A River Runs Through It. Yeah, he's directed some stuff. He's directed a couple other things. I think he's good at that. Okay. You have a lot of controversial movie takes. You have, like, you hate Fight Club. I don't hate it, but I think it's very silly. And I think if you watched it more recently, you'd be like, this is pretty silly. It's pretty cool, though, too. Yeah.

It's got some cool things. It's pretty ridiculous. And a lot of it doesn't make sense. The twist does not quite make sense. What, that he's actually Tyler Durden? Yeah, there's moments where they're both there and reacting. People are reacting to both people in ways... Oh, interesting. I can't explain it properly right now because I haven't watched it enough. But it doesn't quite make sense. It's not great. And I think it's like...

This bro fucking jerk off to it. Like, that's me right there. I'm the Italian corporate. It doesn't really add up or make much sense. What are other, like, hot movie takes? I don't know. I don't have as many as Ronan. Ronan's the man you want here. I get a lot of heat for being, like, a piece of shit guy who hates everything. But I like...

people always give me shit on our pocket. They're like, you just want to be contrarian. I'm like, my favorite artists are Pearl Jam and Bruce Springsteen. My favorite movie is Goodfellas. And Forrest Gump. I'm like, Forrest Gump, Goodfellas, Casino. I mean, you know, Apollo 13. I'm like, I'm not exactly...

Schindler's List, these are pretty standard great movies. I'm like the Stones, I'm a diehard. I'm not some asshole who's like, I only like bad brains. Well, the thing that triggers people is The Sopranos. That triggers me. He hates The Sopranos. That triggers me. But I feel like I've made cases that I've gotten people to give in a little bit. Hum a few bars. Well, we've talked about it. One, the show is...

Like there's like sitcom-y jokes. There's joke jokes, which I don't care for. Like set up punch. Yeah, I hate it. As a comedian, I hate jokes. You can feel. They're just the worst. Well, I don't like it on what's supposed to be a gritty fucking show. But I've talked about this in so many places and I get so much hate. So I feel like everyone can hear this somewhere else. But my main thing is Stevie Van Zandt

And Polly Walnuts are cartoon characters. Right. Take you out of it. Ridiculous. And I cannot, I can't abide. I can't, you can't, people put it with like Goodfellas and The Godfather and shit. I don't do that. I put it above. Whoa.

But this is what I have to say. This is where I have to make a compromise with people. I don't care for the medium. I'm not a TV guy. You're not. That's true. I don't like TV. I don't like episodic. We at least give that Gandolfini is incredible. He's great. All right. But like Stevie Van Zandt, who also happens to be the guitarist in my favorite band, which takes away. Yeah. Norton had a great line. He'd be like, if Tony Iommi, however you say his name, from fucking Black Sabbath, like walked into like Seinfeld and was like, hey. Like it takes you out of it.

First of all, he's a very famous guitarist and a very favorite man, but he's wearing like a rubber wig. The wig is bad. And he's like, hey, Tony. I mean, you can admit that he's silly. He's over the top. He's over the top. But he has moments where he's heavy and he's good in it, though. So he's over the top. And then Pauly Walnuts, who's just like, oh, yeah. And I'm like, what is this? Pauly's incredible. And Pauly's in a lot of mob movies that are great. But what's over Broadway? One of my favorite comedies of all time. Oh, a great movie. But these are straight up comedy.

So it's different. Tonally, it's different. Sure. And...

I haven't watched all the episodes, whatever. We watched the one on the podcast where Chris sits on a dog and he's supposed to be like a junkie, but he doesn't look junkie. And then there's this straight up vaudevillian comedy scene in it, so I don't understand the intervention. But Goodfellas has funny moments. It's hilarious, but Goodfellas is funny because it's so genuine. That's what makes it. It's so real and it's so funny. Funny how? Exactly. It's just so pitch perfect that it makes it hilarious.

And them, I think you're like going for joke jokes. But I haven't watched the whole show. And obviously, I'm a piece of shit because I got three people ever that have agreed with me on this. Wow, really? And no other hot takes. You hate Seven. You hate Fight Club. I don't hate them. I just think they're very silly. Are you a David Fincher fan, though?

I like Zodiac Zodiac is one of my favorite movies ever Social network I don't love I think it's overrated and also like these movies that are based on like real things and just take liberties I find so ridiculous but Zuckerberg does seem like a terrible person at least oh certainly yeah so at least if you're gonna like make someone seem shitty at least it's a dude who seems shitty yeah

It's not as bad as like Rudy. That's like the worst one ever. Yeah. The coach, Dan Devine. You ever hear that story? They wanted to make him like the heavy. They needed like a bad guy. So they made him and they called and they told him like, we're going to make you a little bit more negative and less likable. And he's like, oh, okay.

And then they made the scene where everyone turns in their jerseys and he's like refusing to let Rudy play. And he's like, that's not even what I made him play. I made him. That was me. I was the head coach. That's frustrating. That never happened. And then even the scene in the end when he's like, don't put him in, like the coordinator throws him in. He's like, I put him in. I did that. With movies, you need an arc. You need bad guys. So they take liberties in these stories. I mean, Mark and I were talking about the show Winning Time on HBO, which I like the show.

But they make Jerry West, they portray him in such a fucked up way. They make a lot of his takes just wrong. And I'm like, that's one of the great basketball geniuses of all time. The guy literally traded for Kobe. Right. The guy traded Vlade Divac for Kobe. He signed Shaq. 17-year-old Kobe. I know. And he signed Shaq. He knew Kobe was going to be a Jordan-level player. Wow.

All the genius moves he made. And I feel like every episode, he's like, we got to get Elgin Baylor to be coach. I'm like, show one of the smart moves he made. He's such a basketball genius. And he's throwing chairs through windows. He's like the angry guy. That's it. That's his whole character. But also, he's angry because he was a psycho competitor. And then you see him interviewed in real life, and you're like, he's like a soft-spoken, warm man.

Yeah. With depression. Who's got a dark side he owns, you know? But guys like Dan Devine, the coach at Notre Dame, he has to live the rest of his life. People being like, you piece of shit. I know. You should have played that five foot guy. And he's like, I did. That was me. What are you talking about? They should make a Sandusky movie where he's just like really cool. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.

he's just handing out he took some liberties man he's handing out sponges in the shower he's nice he's giving out towels um but yeah i love the godfather i love dog day afternoon i love but you know dog day afternoon's a top five movie of all time to me but what's most it's dog day afternoon is like it's funny it's fucking ahead of its time the way they deal with that uh trans lady the trans thing is like incredibly ahead of its time oh yeah it's

got so many different like modes where like you're laughing one a minute you're fucking sad for them the next and you feel for the guy who's robbing a bank no it's like magical it's like one of the best movies ever it's top five without question to me yeah but what's great also the best new york movie ever oh yeah brith attica that's a little insane but you don't think so no wait hold on i want to hear what well what i'm just gonna say is i like what i like about you is you get berated with

with all these takes of yours and these opinions of yours and you stick with it i would have caved a year and a half ago like all right i watched sopranos again it's good just so you leave me alone yeah but you hang in there i mean i now at this point i just have to lean into it yeah lean lean yeah people get very upset the sopranos thing is like serious business no it bothers me for sure i mean i can't believe i have a smart hilarious friend who thinks the sopranos is bad

It's not that... Again, I had to change my thing. I just don't care for TV. I hate episodic. I hate that it's like, okay, so eight more years of this. Just give me two hours, three hours, solve the problem. Is it because you hate fat? Is it because there's like a movie, it's like you're in and out, every scene counts? Well, it's... Have you seen his ex? It's just so... It's just so...

like put on it's like they so i can feel the writing i can feel the writer's room i can feel them being like we need an issue okay what's today's problem let's come up with a problem we need an arc and okay let's punch it up you punch it up like i can feel the i can see the punch up that's a joke again these two characters are just so fucking ridiculously over the top that it takes me out of the whole thing i'm like what what is the tone of the show

It's so silly to me. But TV in general, like I started watching Ozarks. Yeah. And I love Jason Bateman. I think he's like fantastic. He's great. And I was like, this show's great, but I got five episodes in and I'm like, so it's going to keep being that we solve it and then a new thing props up. And then I'm like, there's four more seasons of this. So every day it's like, this is an impossibility and then we don't solve it. But it's TV. That's the only format you can do with TV because you have to have multiple seasons and make more money. So I think TV format is the problem.

That's a hilarious critique of TV. Oh, so there's just going to be more? But that's the thing. But that's exactly the point. It's like they have to come up with stuff. A movie, they came up with a story. Here's the story. This is a story about...

how my life got flipped upside down, whatever. You know what I mean? You're like, we're going to tell a story about, you know, two guys robbing a bank and one guy's robbing a bank for his, to raise money for his wife to have a fucking, uh, sex, whatever. And okay. And the cops are going to come. And that's the resolution. Soprano TV. They're like, okay, here's a story. And it's 10 episodes. Got it. That was great. We're selling merch. Uh,

come up with 10 more stories yeah shit okay let's oh maybe what if he gets an intervention wouldn't it be funny if he's on heroin just because we need something we need material yeah that's why comedians suck after 20 years what are we're all heading that way by the way we are it's all downhill baby what uh are there tv shows that you like i mean obviously seinfeld curb right well comedy is a little bit different but not many seinfeld i think is like this

This is the thing. Again, people are like, you just contrarian. I'm like, I think Seinfeld's the best thing ever of all time. Although I do think the first two and last two seasons are horrendous. There you go. Horrendous? That's another controversial statement. Not horrendous. Not horrendous, but. They're not. The first is tough. They're finding it. They're finding their footing. They don't know what the hell they're doing yet. And then the last one's Larry David leaves, so it gets super cartoony. Seasons eight and nine I have real issues with. I just, I love it, but I hate it. How about like old school Simpsons?

Simpsons I love too. I think seasons three through eight are unbelievable. But again, you can agree that it flipped. Simpsons got shitty. Yeah, I don't think it's easy to maintain a level of excellence for 33 seasons. Yeah. I think that's pretty tough. But that's why a lot of these things is like, just call it quits. That was great. Yeah, The Office.

british you're in you're out everybody loved it but i love the british i love the american office i hate the last four the first four seasons of american once the love interests get together it's always kind of yeah it's always the will they won't they once it's gone you're kind of like well i hate jimmy pan but steve carell i think might be like top five funniest people oh he's just every second and he's a magical performer i mean they're like the guy who plays dwight

Oh, yeah. Oh, Rain will suck. I misunderstood. He's phenomenal. Yeah, he's good. Great show. I love Curb. Yeah. There's a lot of bad Curb, but I love Curb. Cheers, I love. There's a lot of bad Cheers, but I love Cheers. You're pretty mainstream.

I know, that's what I said. I'm like a basic bitch. I don't know what you're talking about. I know, the guy's got Starbucks and New Balance. I know, that's what I'm saying. I'm a hack. I just have a couple takes. We're going to Cheesecake Factory after this. I love the cheesecake. I got gift cards in my backpack. Cheesecake rules. But you're worried about the movie? I've heard it's great. I've heard your movie's great. Oh, thanks. I think it's good. It's hard because you get so fucked up. You know how it is. It's like watching your own stuff. It's not even like watching your own stuff. Because at least in stand-up, it's killing.

I don't give a fuck. The movie is like, you're not getting an honest opinion, really. Yeah. And it's tough with a movie because you don't get multiple tries. With stand-up, like, a bit can work out over five months. This is like, here it is. It's done. We hope. Yeah.

It's like the Seinfeld thing. It's like you watch a bad movie, it's an hour and a half. You're in a bad movie, it's like a year and a half. Right. But I think it's pretty good. I think it'll resonate. It's not particularly funny. We took out a lot of the comedy. There's not a lot of hilarity in it. It's pretty dramatic, but I think it's fun. I think the music is great.

I think the people that play my parents are amazing. Really? The guy that plays my dad is unbelievable. So were you, and forgive me if I'm prying, but were you back there with the headphones on, the director's chair, the video village, with the big bullhorn and the beret going, cut it, redo it, turn it around, cut the tape, whatever, check the gate, all that shit, lock it up? Uh-oh.

I was doing a lot of stuff as a bit. I did it the way you were doing it, which was fun. I had a great time. It was funny because I'd be like, check the gate. And then Louie's like, we should actually check the gate. But it was fun to use all my film school horseshit that I never used. You throw the clipboard down. What are you doing out there? I need emotion. Come on. There were times like that. It was exciting because I'm an executive producer writer. So there was stuff like that. But the scenes that I wasn't in, I did have the headset, which was really fun. Wow.

And we were watching on Video Village, which was really exciting. Wow. And that was like the funnest part is not being in it because you're like watching it and the people playing my parents, those are the scenes that I'm not in, are like having the scene and we're like punching each other. I mean, it is magical because you have it with stand-up where you write a bit and then you do it and it works, which is like special. But a movie, it's like Louie and I were sitting...

Then he says this. What if he says that? Then this will happen. And then somebody's acting it out and they're nailing it. And you're like, wow. And you can't make noise. You're literally like, we're doing this. Wow. And then you say cut and you're like, unbelievable. Movie magic. It was magical. And they're unbelievable. They're so good. I'm worried I stink and...

I just want it to make sense to people, but I think it does. And everyone's been really complimentary. So we'll see. Yeah. I bet it's great, man. Oh, thanks. Yeah. I think you'll like it. I think it's up your asshole. There you go. I hope so. Yeah. I mean, this therapy, there's an Alan character in there and Bobby Kelly plays a guy. He's great. Is Louis play Alan? Louis plays my therapist. Oh, wow. And he's great. You forgot how good of an actor Louis is. He's really great. Yeah.

I was watching American Hustle on a flight recently and I was just cracking up. I forgot Louie's in it. Oh, that's right. I was just cracking up. Those scenes with Louie and Bradley Cooper are fucking hilarious. He had a run of a couple big blockbusters. He was in Trumbo. Yeah, Trumbo. That was a solid movie. Some Woody Allen movie, too.

Yeah, he was in the big one, the one that won an Academy Award there. Yeah, I can't think of the name right now. Blue Jasmine. Blue Jasmine! Oh, my God, holy shit. Yeah. Yeah, that was good. So, yeah, he's great, and Sarah's in it. She's great. A lot of it's very real, and it's raw. It's a little nerve-wracking because my family...

The family stuff makes you nervous. Yeah. I've never seen where I snap onto my family, and I'm like, you all suck, you're pieces of shit, you're idiots. But it's not my family, but it looks...

Like my family. It's literally about like a New York guy who goes to Maine for the 4th of July every year and is sober. Right. Oh, boy. A little on the nose. It's been on the nose, but you know, you write what you know. Sure. But the family is not... In the movie, the mother's like a sociopath. My mother's very sweet. Great mom. Deb. Yeah, Deb. So...

There's that too. So it's nerve wracking and it's going to be seen by a lot of people. It's scary to put your shit out there. It is, but you did it, man. You're throwing the whole thing out. The cheese is out in the wind. I mean, this is it. They get to pick and poke and this sucked and that sucked or I like that. I mean, that's very...

and very vulnerable. It's very scary and also it's like, who is this? Then you just worry about the people that are like, who is this guy? Making a movie with Luke? Let's look into him. Mark and I, you know, talking about fucking kids for 25 minutes and cum in my face and, you know, eat my dad's ass. That's our best stuff. And they're going to be like, what the hell is wrong with these guys? Yeah.

I know. So that is a little scary also. But you got to live. I think it's a good movie. I think it'll resonate. And I think it's the kind of movie I like. It's like, you know. That's Mark's response to fucking kids. You got to live. You got to live, damn it. Well, I forget. Tight hole. It's weird because, you know, I have nieces and nephews. I go, my buddy Derek, I hang out with his kids. And like, you know, they're five and nine. And I'm like running around wrestling. People are like.

Aren't you the guy that says, end your podcast with fuck a kid? I know. What's going on here? And you're like, well, I'm kidding, of course. Yeah. I know. I forget sometimes. Like, I made a Jelaine Maxwell joke at the dinner table, and my niece is like, who's Jelaine Maxwell? Now my sister has to explain it to her, and I'm like, oh, God, I stink. Yeah. That's nice. I got to learn somehow. She said it in a good way. She said, you know how you have a family who loves you very much? And she goes, yeah. She's like, well, she prayed on people who didn't have that. I was like, that's a pretty good job. Wow.

That's good parenting. Yeah. Very good parenting. Great parent. Jesus. I mean, just Lane also has good experience with children. But yeah, that's tough. Being a parent is hard. But I mean, dude, you have all these awesome things coming out. The movie, you have a stand-up special on YouTube. Yeah, the special comes out soon. I don't know when this comes out, but April 29th. Right there.

Oh, that's what it's out right now. Okay, great. It's been out for a month. A month? I hope you've watched it. Oh, shit. Okay. It came out April 29th. It's out April 29th. It's out now. Go watch it. There you go. Watch it again if you haven't. I was there at the tape and it was an incredible special. Yeah, it was really fun. It was great. I'm excited. I think it was good. But I got to say, I haven't watched it because they sent it to me and I watched like 20 minutes and I just get sick to my stomach and I was like, it's perfect. It gets harder and harder to edit your own shit.

Yeah, it does. I go crazy. I'm kind of like, can someone else just do this? That's what I do. Which is crazy. I don't want to deal with it. No, I can't. So I might be surprised. The night it comes out, I might be like, what the fuck? But it's a catch-22 because you want it to be perfect and your vision, but you also can't watch it.

So you got to just suck it up and watch it. Yeah. Because you don't want them to make some weird edit that you weren't approving of. Well, at least with stand-up, I can be like, the show went well, so as long as it looks like the show, it'll be pretty good. Little things bug me, though, in special. Like, sometimes they'll do, like, the side shot too much, and I'm like, who is this for? Right, right. It's like a fucking mug shot. No one wants to watch. I want dead on. That's the obvious. Yeah. I think the more...

I think people, we've talked about this a bit before, but the more innovative you try to get with a special, the worse it gets. Yeah. I really think stand-up, that's what's so great about stand-up is it's just stand-up. It's just presented. That's the show. It's raw. You don't want Quentin Tarantino directing a stand-up special. No. We don't need, I mean, maybe he would know how to just do it in a minimalist way, but like you want,

Anytime that you notice the direction in a comedy special, it's taken away from the material. That's how I feel. The director should be like a referee in a sporting event. You only notice it if it's you're like, hey, what the fuck? You should just be like, that was great. Yeah, good point. No one's like the Patriots, Rams, Super Bowl. Those refs really nailed it. The first one. Second one was shit. I think Chris Rock kind of fucked himself with that. What was that special where he did three cities?

I can't remember the name of it. I was never scared. Kill the Messenger? No, no, no. Oh, Kill the Messenger, yeah. But it was like, it might have been great material, but it was, I'm in Johannesburg, I'm in Harlem, I'm in whatever. And you're like, ah.

I'm off. This is off. I'm not focusing on the act. Well, he tried a new thing. I mean, I respect him for trying. I heard Rock say once at the Cellar, he goes, every stand-up special should be like an iPhone. Like, I want a new feature. And I'm like, that's how he approaches it. I disagree too, but that's his approach. I mean, it's like... Sure. I mean, he's not just original with his stand-up. He's original with, you know, how it's going to be seen. So I appreciate that, but, you know...

I thought Tambourine was more my speed, you know? Than the other one. I just think a stand-up special should be a presentation of stand-up. The act. So it should be bare bones. That's how I felt doing this. I just did the second one at the same venue...

Because I'm like, and then there's a big, giant, stupid sign. But I'm like, but the material is what makes it different. It's kind of like the Beatles. They have three different singers, or four different singers. But you know it's the Beatles because it sounds like the Beatles. I don't know if that's a perfect analogy. But no one's like, who the fuck is this? Who's this guy singing? I never heard of this guy. True. That's another Beatle. Yeah, that's a good point. I'm with you on the bare bones. I think it's like you work so hard to make these jokes land and make them, you know...

work in every single state that's really like how you tour where like this better joke and this joke better work in like Florida Ohio San Francisco you know and then if someone tries to do too much with the taping you're just kind of like you ruined two years of my life. Yeah.

I just watched a later Office episode, American Office, and they're doing these crazy... The cuts are too fast, and they're zooming on every shot, and I'm discombobulated. Yeah, exactly. It's jokes. Just give me the jokes. That's what I'm saying. I don't want Paul Greengrass directing my next special. And I always say, I think we've said this, stand-up, the best is listening. You're in a long car ride, and you're just hearing the audio. You are sucked in. And I think with a special, it should be...

Yeah, bare bones, as you say, because the audio is really what's important. That's how I got into stand-up, is albums. It's like, you know, Chris Rock's Roll With The New, Chris Rock's, you know, his albums, Eddie Murphy albums, Mitch Hedberg, Dave Attell. Oh, yeah. Those were albums I'm like, this makes me... And you're just listening and you're like, this is... It's almost like the equivalent of people are like, I listen to baseball games, you know? Right. There's a beauty to that. I love listening to baseball. But I think what's so great about albums is...

When you're watching a special, this is what's so depressing about comedy specials is there's nothing that... It can't come anywhere close. It's at least 30% worse than the actual live show. Yes, easily. But with audio, you're in the audience because there's no visual. So you close your eyes and you're in the audience. You're getting it the same way they are. You're just getting the audio and you're laughing with the audience. But on visual, you can see that you're outside the room. Mm-hmm.

So you're watching people watch a special. Like there is a divide. Well, there's not a divide with audio, if that makes sense. I get it. I get it. It taps in more with audio. You're right. Especially with the video too. You're like, look at the outfit. Look at the hot girl in the front row. What's that thing? Is that brick? Or what is it?

Is that molding? What is that? Yeah, you're off. You're already seeing other shit and it's distracting. Nothing more bad for comedy than distractions. Too bad Spotify removed all their shit. They weren't paying us those cunts. You can still listen though. I'm an Apple Music guy, so I've never used Spotify, but you can also still buy the album and download it to your phone, right? Yeah. Go back to buying records. If you're listening at home. It'd be nice. Buy some albums. Please. We all have six albums.

Don't you miss consuming? I had this conversation in The Worst Person in the World, which is an amazing movie. Just saw it. But I miss consuming things. Like now, like Band of Horses is the first band I got into post holding a CD. Yeah.

Like, I used to consume the lyrics, the producer, the band. I knew every band. Yes. Band of Horses is one of my favorite bands. I don't even know the name of most of the songs. Right. Because you just have it streaming and you're like, oh, here's this song. Yes. Before you'd, like, know the title, you'd look at the record or the CD. Yeah. And...

And just be like, okay, that's track one. I know that track title. I know who produced it. I know who plays what on what. Totally. I mean, I think that just comes with you have too much. We're looking at our phone. We're looking at this. We got too much going on. Where before you'd hold a record and read the back, you'd look at the art, you'd unfold it. I used to work at Blockbuster. I would just stare at the movie covers all day. Yeah. And it was fun. And then you flip it over and you're like, that's the director. He directed that too. But yeah, now it's just like...

Give me more, more, more. I already watched that. Who's next? I don't know who directed Ozark. Yeah, we just digest too quickly now. It's like the credits start and the next thing starts. I'm like, I want to see the credits. I hate that. You can't even watch the credits on Netflix. I want to see the credits. I want to know who is who. Yes. Please watch the credits of my movie. I'm all over those credits. There you go. It's pretty exciting. But yeah, the special's out. It's out right now. It's called This Year's Material. It's on YouTube. And hopefully it's got tons of...

It'll get there. We'll see. I'm a little nervous because... It's going to be great. Why? Well, because the last one was on Comedy Central's YouTube, which has 2 million, whatever you call it. I feel like I'm 150 years old. I'm like followers, subscribers, people, peeps, whatever it's called. Right, right. And I have like 20,000 or something like that. So hopefully people watch it and like it. If it's good, it's good. That's the beauty of YouTube. It's the closest we get to a meritocracy. But it's good, but it doesn't...

This is where it's tricky though because it's not just good, it's good because you have to get into the algorithm. Sure. It can be great and not make it in. Like the Comedy Central one. And you just will have to do your... You have to do a fucking million podcasts now. I know. I hate the podcast. It's brutal. I like seeing you guys. No, I feel the same way. I tell Mark every week. I'm like, man, I'm podcasted out. I want to wake up and just write jokes and just kind of take walks and do that shit. But like the amount of talking we have to do now is like...

It's bad for art. And it's bad for your career. Like Colin says it. He's like, we're living. He's like, it's the funniest thing of all time that like we're living in a time where you can get ruined for anything you say. And every comedian literally records everything he says. I know. Hopefully it dilutes it a little bit, you know? Yeah, I guess so. Yeah.

There's enough horrible shit being said that it's hard to keep up. That's our only hope is like, yeah, but I've had like, I've said that like eight hours worth of saying that. I didn't slip up. That's like who I am. Yeah. Well, the problem is when it's not just, hey, he said this, it's when you get something and then they go, hey, this guy said this.

Like a Shane Gillis. Right. You get an SNL. Nobody cared about the horrible shit he said before that, but when you get the SNL, they're like, now we got you. Right. That light just burned out. Fun fact. I swear to God, it was... Wasn't that on? It was a piece. I don't know. Okay. It's not super illuminating, so it's hard to know. It's like The Godfather 2. You're right, though. I mean, I do think...

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I do think no one really cares unless they're taking something from you, which is kind of fucked up. I mean, for whatever reason, the SNL vetting process is like joining the CIA. So that's definitely made it interesting where they're just like, yeah,

Yeah, you can't. I mean, you're not running for fucking office. You're trying to do impressions on a weekly show. I don't know when this became... I know. You find the outrage a little disingenuous, do you? That's a pretty bold take on my part. Yeah. I thought the same thing. I saw SNL just had a Gilbert Gottfried tribute. I'm like, do you remember what he said? He said horrible shit. You would never have him on now. That's the irony. I know. We always talk about that. There's a street named after George Carlin. I'm like, he's called black people the N-word. Multiple times. Yeah.

There's a street in Utah, Carmelone, whatever, Boulevard, and you're like, this guy fucking impregnated a 13-year-old. Is that right? Oh, yeah. Wow. You should have two streets. Holy shit.

But yeah, the movie's coming out. It's going to be end of, we're going to have a big premiere end of June and, uh, which is like a month away. And, uh, and then it'll be out in theaters in July. I can't wait, man. Yeah. It's going to be big. Please go see it. Theaters. Theaters. I'm going to be on the big screen. I'm not, I'm like the lead in a big screen film. Wow. It's going to kill me. I'm going to, I'm going to be like fucking, uh, River Phoenix outside the Viper room. We should go and do a full Paul Rubens in there. Yeah. Yeah. I want to be that guy who like throws off my hat and I'm like, it's me.

Yeah, wow. Let's go Fred Willard. I'm going to drop a name. Meryl Streep, who's a friend of mine, she said, she's like, you go to the premiere and everyone gives you a standing O and says you're the greatest and you're going to win an Oscar and we love you. She's like, but that's not a reel. You have to go see the movie at the theater. Yeah. That's when you get the real kick in the pussy. That's tough. Because you're sitting there and you watch people like get up and leave or people are just chatting. That sounds just like Meryl, man. I know it too.

I meant the part with the cook and the pussy. That was me. That's the marijuana. That's cool. That was paraphrasing. But I think they all do that. They'll put on hats and fake mustaches and whatever and dildos and go. And they'll watch the movie and you see people just going like yawning. Dildos. Yeah. That would be tough. I saw the master in the theaters, P.T. Anderson and-

a guy got up it was like two black people got up the scene where they're all dancing naked and the guy was like man fuck this shit and they got up and walked out and then like a half an hour later just an old white guy in front of us he got up and walked out and I'm like boy if they were sitting here they'd be like ah jeez I saw a couple black people leave Jojo Rabbit they were like this sucks fuck this oh I love that movie yeah it wasn't for them you didn't like it well

I've talked about this on a lot of podcasts, but the quote at the end, I find so like, I feel like,

I know this is like maybe woke or whatever, but I'm like, they made a movie where like the Nazis are like sweet and innocuous. I'm like, what is this? They're like kind of cute Nazis. And then the quote at the end is kind of insane. I don't remember. What's the quote? I got to find, I got to pull it up. Oh, you have a producer? He can pull it up. Jojo Rabbit quote. Google bitch. I'm like a, I'm like a, I'm very sensitive towards anti-Semitism. I don't, I'm like, I'm like a closet Jew. I'm okay with it. Sure. Um,

Let everything happen to you. Beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is fine. Oh, that bugs me, actually. About a Holocaust movie. Let it happen to you. They're like, hey, just be cool, man. Submit, dude. Great quote. Get on the train. I think it's a sweet quote.

But at the end of a movie about the Holocaust, you're like, hey, man, just be cool, man. I'm like... I don't remember that quote. I don't know why there wasn't... I love Taika Waititi. I think he's awesome. I didn't... He's a Jew. That quote bugs me. But no, I did enjoy the movie a lot and I thought he was hilarious as Hitler. I thought it was really funny. No, there was some good stuff. There was stuff I liked and it was sweet. It moved me, but I did not...

I don't remember that quote. That bugs me a little. Wow. Let it happen, folks. But that was one of my favorite movies of that year for sure. I think he's just an awesome filmmaker. His movie about the vampires. You remember that? Yeah. Dude. That was funny as hell. Yeah. He's great. I did energy vampire. They suck your energy. That's so good. He's so good. Yeah. Very good. But yeah, I liked that movie. I didn't love it. Yeah. The nothing worse though. Like you talk about going to the theaters with the mustache and everything. Nothing worse than an insult.

where they're not directing it at you because it means they meant it. Yes. I was at the, I've told this before, I was at the Comedy Works opening for Schumer, sold out, she's killing, hottest crowd. Pete Holmes did a guest set.

Killed. Killed. He just happened to be in town for some reason. I was the middle. I did okay. Schumer was killing. And I go take a shit in the stall. And I heard guys washing their hands going, that tall guy, that goofy guy, fucking hilarious. And the other guy goes, I know it. Schumer's really funny. She's killing. And one of them goes, what do you think about the middle guy? And they were like, oof.

Oh, he sucked. And I'm shitting. My clothes are on, my pants are on my ankles. And I was just like, I thought he was pretty good. They were like, no, no. They like doubled down. How about a green room bathroom for that occasion? It'd be nice. It reminds me of two stories. One, I mean, any Henry Phillips story. I just started laughing before I can even get to it because he's just the funniest guy. But he has one. He plays guitar. He's the best. Punching the Clown is incredible. Punching the Clown is the best movie about comedy ever. He also has one, Punching Henry, which I'm in.

And he's playing the guitar and in between songs, he sees like an old couple in the front row and she leans over and goes, I

It's the same thing. He's like, you can't get mad. She's just totally genuine. Also, have you talked to Ronan about his story in Switzerland? No. Yeah, he told me this with Daniel Simonson and Adrian. You tell it. Him and Daniel, they do the last show of the tour. They're on tour with Louis in Europe for like six weeks. And it's just like arduous all over Europe, 12 countries in six weeks, whatever.

And it's the last night. They do the show. They go to the diner after. And it's Adrian, Ronan, and Daniel Simonson at the diner. And they realize there's a group of women from the show at the booth behind them. And they just go through the whole show. And they talk about how Louie's a genius. Oh, wow. And they're literally like...

The fat girl sucked. He's like, the guy with the accent stinks. And then they go to like Ronan. They're just like, he kept yelling. He was so loud. And they called him the Jew. They're like, the Jew, the Jew is too fat. He stinks. And they just have to sit there and listen to the whole thing. And then they're like, all right, let's slunk out of here. Yeah.

And Ronan gets up and he just hears like a crash and he looks down. It's like a cartoon. It sounds made up. He looks over and Simonson is laying on the ground. Like somehow he fell out of the booth. He fell and the whole table's like, wait, what? And they like point, they're like, that's him.

That's all of them. Like they're all sitting there. And then they said, you were all very funny. You guys are great. Um, and then Nate has the classic one on the cruise, the cruise ship. He's on the elevator with his hat on. And there's two people talking across him about how bad he was, how bad the comic was not knowing that he was standing there. See, this, this is something a lot of, I don't think a lot of, uh, artists go through. Oh, I remember opening for Al Lubell. There's probably 12 years ago. We did an awful gig and like Montauk or something. And, uh,

He was great. I fucking bombed. And I remember being in the bathroom and just... Same as you. I was in the stall and I just heard a guy goes, man, that opener sucked. He was just... And I'm just like...

I'm done peeing. Do I just, do I come out? And then I was just like, fuck it. I come out and they're just like, oh, hey. I was like, hey. And they're just like, it was just like a standoff. There was nothing. They didn't like take it back. No. They knew I heard it. Yeah. I would have waited. Fuck that. Nothing you can do. That's when you pull your pants out and pretend to shit, you know, just to buy

some time. Well, yeah, I mean, I remember doing the Joker's Cruise and not bragging. I can't believe you did that. It was years ago. It was fun. I had fun. It's fun. It doesn't feel very you. It's not. I know. It's the most fun. That's why I'm saying I'm surprised you did it. I'm not fun. No. But you know you're not fun and that's nice. Self-awareness is something that helps. I think it's ego. I...

I remember getting off and some lady came up to me. She goes, you were the funniest. And Rich Voss is right there next to me. And he goes, oh, yeah, well, your friend's prettier than you. That's hilarious. Best comeback. Yeah. Was she prettier, though? Because you are better than Rich. Yeah.

sure sure she was I'm sure Rich was honest Rich probably has 800 of those locked and loaded from just doing this forever he's that's what Colin calls him the king of the comeback he's so funny dude he got me once on Opie and Jim I was just

I was the new guy and I zinged him and it got nothing. And there was a guest, like some writer or something. And he goes, sir, you like comedy? He goes, I love comedy. He goes, what do you think of Mark Norman? And the guy goes, I'd never heard of him. And I'm sitting next to the guy. And Rich goes, that's what I thought. And it fucking killed and it crushed me. I didn't say a word for the rest of the hour. Wow.

I went home and slept it off. I was so hurt. I remember I bombed a roast once, and Rich goes on right after me, and he goes, he bombs one line, he goes, you better laugh or I'm bringing Sam back up, and it crushed. And I was like, ugh.

But as I was leaving, I was like, that was pretty fucking good. Yeah, it was good. I mean, I respected it when he did it to me. You heard his opener at the Patrice benefit. What was it? It was like a month after Saget. He goes, well, they wanted that. We want to have Saget. And he said, over my dead body. Damn. Wait, what happened to Saget? Oh,

He did a show. Ah. Do you have any peeves or wrecks or bits or anything? Well, I have this. I just came from the sports weekend. I was at the Red Sox game and the marathon and the Bruins. Is this anything?

I'm at the game, and there's like this new crop of generation of people that don't get baseball. I'm like an old man Witherspoon. And there's literally, it's a 3-2 game, 4-2, bases loaded, two outs, like eighth inning. And there's two, they're women, just painting a picture. Not generalizing. Two women with their back to the field trying to start the wave and mad that no one's getting on board. They're like, come on, what are you doing? One, two, hey!

And I'm like, the fucking bases are loaded. This is it. You do the wave when it's 5-0, 8-0, 7-2, when the other team's up. We're in the middle of a rally here. So fuck the wave. The wave can be fun. Because baseball is long. Baseball is long, and there's a lot of nothing happening. Yes. The wave at baseball is good. The problem.

with this is they're trying to make it about them. Like, we want to start this. We want to be a wave group, but it's about you. We're watching the game here, you coos. Yes. Get out of here. Just pick the moment. You need the moment. I've started the wave. I've been the wave guy. Sure, I don't mind a wave. I used to drink. I used to drink.

I was the wave guy, and it was about me. I wanted to start the wave, but I wanted everyone to have fun, too. But you waited for the right time. But you wait. It's got to be 5-2, the seventh, and then the opposing team is up, and it's just, you know, whatever. This is a crucial moment, and they're like, come on, the wave. And I feel like I'm 100 years old. There was another moment. The Red Sox pitcher had a no-hitter through four and a third, and then he gives up a base hit.

And typically you'd clap, say, hey, good effort. And nobody even, I don't even think anyone noticed. I'm like, you tied 13 in a row. Damn. Anyways, those are my baseball piece. Well, baseball, yeah, I'm with you. You got to applaud the performance. And as for the wave, it's like sex. You got to pick your moment. You can't just try to fuck somebody during like a heated moment. No, there I disagree. Oh, okay. Yeah. You fuck whenever you want to fuck. You try to fuck. Yeah.

You know what? You're not laughing. When you're wrong, you're wrong. Yeah, I'm with you, man. I love the perfect game, the no-hitter. It's like one of the last great things in sports. It's pretty, too. The field is pretty. The whole thing is great. I like baseball just for that moment. They don't let guys do it anymore. They pull them. They pulled what's-his-name after seven. The no-hitter? Yeah, that's over. Yeah, it's a different time. It's a different game.

I mean, I grew up David Wells to a perfect game after getting shit face the night before. Yeah. There's no cooler sports story than that. That guy. Yes. All that shit. The LSD, the blow, the strawberries. That guy. Doc. Doc. What's his name? Brown. I almost said holiday. One hundred and back to the future. No. Yeah. I'm cool. That's good. Yeah. Doc Ellis. Doc Ellis. That's it.

That was crazy. The no-hitter on drugs. Yeah. All that stuff is great. As a guy who doesn't watch a lot of sports, I can watch any 30 for 30 and I'm in. Because it's just so interesting. Yeah. Sports are good. Sports are good. You got to do it. What about sports? You like sports? Speaking of sports, how was Beantown? You went to 19 different games in a weekend. Beantown was great. I'm hoarse. I went to the Bruins game Saturday, Red Sox game Sunday, and then yesterday, well, it was a month ago, sorry. But Patriots Day. Red Sox.

Two Red Sox games, one Bruins game, plus the marathon. Wow. And Patriots Day in Boston. It's a big deal. It's the marathon. It's Marathon Monday. And it's a holiday only there, which I didn't realize until I was like 30 years old, literally.

Maybe not literally, maybe 23 years old. But it's a holiday. It's like a holiday in Massachusetts. I thought it was just an American holiday, Patriots Day. You have it off, you go to the marathon, you get drunk, you have a party. That's what I felt about Mardi Gras as a kid. And you're like, well, I guess this is our thing. And they didn't even have it in New Hampshire. Like my cousins were like, we have school. What are you talking about? But we go every year. And the last two years, it was COVID. So we couldn't do it. And my friend Bart and Jason Cantor come.

And it's just the best. You wake up at 8.30, they start drinking, you cook breakfast, we got the news on, and you have the same conversation every year. Imagine running 26 miles. Oh my God, that's crazy. My ankle would hurt. My knee hurts when I get out of bed. It's like literally the same dialogue.

They shit themselves. I shit myself from drinking too much. They're running 26 miles. Yeah, I've heard them all. Rosie Ruiz, she cheated. Crockpot, yada, yada. That should be a 30 for 30. Rosie Ruiz, she cheated at the marathon in 1980. Wow. She does. She's like, yo, it's amazing. She cheated the New York City Marathon. I said that weird. New York City Marathon to qualify.

And she took the subway. What? And then she pretended to be... That's hilarious. Yeah, she pretended to be hurt. But she got across the finish line, went to the medical tent. She qualified. There she is. Wait a minute. So there's this great moment. I feel like I would still lose. I would still show up late or something. That's crazy. Wait, you're saying she took the subway during the race? Yeah. Yeah.

Wow. That's fucking hilarious. And she pretended that it was just so hard on her. So this is Boston here. Wow. Believe it or not. It's hard to find the video. I searched for it. But so she wins the marathon. Yeah. And at that time, there's the watch. Oh, don't even pay attention. So at that time, there's this guy, Bill Rogers, who's like the greatest American runner and

and I think he's a New England guy. He won the Boston Marathon. There he is in the middle there. He won the Boston Marathon like four years in a row. I think that was his third year in a row. And at this conference right here where they're standing, they have the little wreaths around. I don't know if you can find the video. It's hard to find. I have it on DVD. I searched and searched. I couldn't find it. But they sit down at the press conference and Bill Rogers is like the king of running. He's the runner. He wins it every year. He's like our guy.

And he shakes hands with her and they're like, this is the winner, Rosie Ruiz. And he literally like looks at her body and he does like a, he does like a visual, like what? Wow. Because he's just looking at her legs being like, this woman won the marathon. And then he started asking her about intervals and her splits. And she's like, I don't, I don't really know what you're talking about. And he's like, no competitive runner doesn't know about their intervals or the split. That'd be like, I just ran. I don't know. I don't know what my pace was.

Damn. So there's that. And then somebody asked her about Wellesley College in Wellesley, Massachusetts. It's an all-girls school. And the whole school comes up and goes crazy for the first woman because it's a women's school. And they asked, how did you feel about running through Wellesley? And she was like, it was cool. I liked it. And they're like, did you feel anything? She's like, yeah, it felt good. What? And they were like, this is really weird because there would have been 30,000 women like...

A woman's not talking about her feelings. Something is off. She didn't give anything. And then there was the two, the lead runner and the second place runner were like, I was in first place at the 18th mile. And then someone was like, I was in second place at the 18th mile. Yeah. I didn't see this fucking woman. And so slowly it took time. But after like a week, and she also shaved like, I think like 25 minutes off of her New York time. That's hilarious. Which is a mile a minute. It's one, one, I mean, one minute a mile.

In like, I don't know, what's October to April? Six months. So was she a good runner at all or just she's fine? No, she's just a fraud. Yeah. But she had like, she had like a chubby ass and like, she had like thick legs. I like the idea of her like running up the subway stairs, like trying to shit herself, just, you know, for the realism. But yeah, she's fascinating. And so she did do it. You can find all these videos of her just doing this bullshit. Wow. So what's her, what's she doing now? Is she working in the government? I assume. Is she a politician? I think she's dead.

Is she? Look her up. I think so. It ran its course. Rosie Ruiz. Ruiz. Good for her. That's hilarious. She died in Florida. Yeah. She got what she deserved. There you go. Dang.

Damn. That's a story. But anyway, so we go every year. It's just a special day. You all get up. You have your breakfast. They're all drinking. I used to drink a lot there, but I don't now. And then you take... You still enjoy it sober. Oh, I love it. You drive into the... This year, Sarah came for the first time. And you drive in. You go to the bar. It's just a festive atmosphere. The game starts at 11. It's the only pre-noon professional game in America. And then when the game ends...

The racers have finished and they announce it on the big screen and everything. And then when you come out, it's like the race has been going on for about three and a half hours. So you get the slower, like blue collar, regular people coming through. And I cry every year. I'm not even like, it sounds silly, but like the rooting for people, everyone's rooting and people put their name tag on. So you're like, come on, John. Or they have like Boston police, state trooper, fire department. I'm running for Susan and I'm like, do it for Sue.

Yeah. And then people give you like a high five. Some people run through doing this and they're videotaping. And then we had our friend. You can follow your friend around. Oh, fun. You have like an app and it tells you where they're at. And it's just... The subway. What the hell? It just... It gives me hope. It fills me with...

joy and love. It's beautiful. I love it. Every year you're like, I'll run next year. Yeah, fuck it. Would you ever run in one of those things you think or no? No, I always want to. It's bad for you. It just beats the shit out of you. When I was a kid, like 20 years old, I ran nine miles like

And that would have been the time to do it. But then I started drinking excessively. Sure. I feel like you're fast. I've seen you run and you're pretty fast. Yeah. I mean, I still run. I still run at a good clip, but it's like. Run on. You. We were just talking about this. It's like I have the energy and lung capacity to run, but now it's like blisters and shin splints in your knees. Yeah. But there's guys that are fucking 70 that run. Yeah. Yeah.

Crazy. And the longer you're there, you watch runners that are like, they're like fat. They're like fat people. They're old people. You can do it. It is cool when you see a fat dude who's fast. Yeah. It's kind of... Well, a lot of fat guys have amazing calves because they got to just support that crazy, disgusting body. So much run on tuck.

Who's also got a special coming out. That's right. We got to get him on here too. Everybody's got a special. That's my day. It's your day. He's got a great podcast called Joe and Ron on Talk Movies. Which I want to just call it Joe and Ron on Talk. We have to ditch the movie now that I'm a movie star. Oh, yeah. I like that you guys talk movies. This just devolves into movie talk, this podcast so much because we both just watch a shitload of movies. But Ron on is a tough dude to talk movies with. He's a fucking hater.

Yeah, he has that reputation, too. And I try to be defensive as a guy that gets that. He has good taste as well. I'm not trying to slam him. He has very good taste. The first few episodes were like we just started talking about classic movies and he like hates Ferris Bueller. He thinks John Hughes is a bad guy. He thinks John Candy sucks. What? Yeah, John Candy. But John Hughes, bad guy or not, the movies are great.

Yeah, no, he's an idiot. Okay. It's a bad take. It's a bad take. Well, he's like a conservative John Hughes. So he, you know, Ronan thinks he's like in the KKK or whatever. Well, all right. But he also... But the movies are good. He also...

He likes movies that are super bleak. He doesn't like anything with a hint of... He likes Sopranos. Yeah, yeah. He loves Sopranos, but he also loves season eight and nine of Seinfeld. So he's all over the place. He thinks they're the best seasons, which I'm like, that's literally the worst take. Yes. Thinking seasons eight and nine of Seinfeld are the best seasons is literally the worst take. Don't go see his special. I get mad at people for getting mad at me about the Sopranos. I'm like, who cares? Just think what you think.

But then when people are like, season eight and nine are the best, I'm like, you're a literal piece of shit. Yeah. And I hope that you die. It's like when people tell you Friends is better than Seinfeld, you're like, oh, we can't hang out anymore. You're boring. You're a boring piece of shit. I'm like that with people that think Casino is better than Goodfellas. I'm like, I can't even have a dialogue. They exist? There's lots of them. Chris Allen is one. Chris Allen also. By the way, I just messaged him today.

He said Liz Hurley, Elizabeth Hurley is unattractive. She's not hot. She's still incredibly hot. I send the pictures. Well, today, this is our discussion today. I want a picture of every woman he's put his penis inside if Liz Hurley is not hot. Well, this is the dialogue we had today.

I texted him. Liz Hurley is still smoking hot. I texted him this photo. Let me. Oh, that's right. Trans, I believe. Was she? I think she was trans. Elizabeth Hurley? No, no. The hooker that Hugh Grant got.

I want, if you can get today's photo, she's in a blue bathing suit. There it is. It's a classic show me the best looking girl in the world. I'll show you a guy who's tired of fucking her. That's Liz Hurley and Hugh Grant. Like the, what's his face? Just cheated on Rihanna. And you're like, there you go. That's it. So this photo, I sent this photo to Chris Allen. I said, I just want to remind you that your Elizabeth Hurley's not hot take is one of the worst takes ever. Yeah. Let's get some more. Mac, scroll through some of this. Current?

Yes, dude. She's in her 50s. And then so he writes back, what do you make of this? He writes back, are we doing this? Because I could bring up Sopranos. And my point is- Are we doing this? I will make a case that Sopranos- I can make a case- Wait, wait, click on that one. Jesus Christ. Wow, smoking hot, lady. I can make a case that Sopranos is not good. Maybe you disagree, but I'll make an argument.

Now your turn, Chris. Make an argument that this woman is not attractive. Yeah. Well, that's the shitty part. It's like, it's all preference. But you can't say, it's like when people go, Jennifer Anderson's gross. You're like, all right, you might not like her, but she's not gross. Your wife is gross. How about that? You know, like, you can't just say gross. I always jump straight to wife when someone says the man I like. You gotta go wife. Yeah. You don't like the Sopranos? Your wife is gross. And I fucked your mom. How do you like that? Remember Bobby Kelly's old joke about the guy that doesn't know how to bust balls?

You're like, yeah, fuck you. You suck. Yeah, I heard your mom's sick. That's my favorite. Perfect sentence. Perfect punchline. I heard your mom's sick. Not dying. Not cancer. She's sick. Well, sick is good. It's an umbrella. I heard it. It's an umbrella for all the illnesses. I heard your mom's sick. Ah.

One of the best jokes ever. I heard. It's in the grapevine. I'm sick. And it's an insult to him. Oh, boy, that's cool. That's basically what these roasts have come down to. It's just like your mom has cancer, your dad was shot in the face, you know, your daughter was a miscarriage, whatever. That's these roasts now. It's crazy. I heard you got assaulted. Let me work out a type five on that. You used to be like, you drink a lot. You know, you're fat. Now it's just going straight to a...

Horrific shit. By the way, the roast, the thing I'm most talked about with interviews that people that aren't my friends is the roast battle with Sarah. That's like the number one thing. It's amazing that you did it with your wife. I mean, that's pretty hilarious. I guess so. It's so weird to me because we're just comics and I'm in the relationship. So to me, it's just like, yeah, we just did a thing. I guess the outside, you're like, this is insane. You're both...

good joke writer so it's like to get it's a it's a hilarious thing like think about how many people can actually do that yeah well we didn't even write the jokes Tom Dustin did but nah funny guy DD just blew out his Achilles oh what that's bad how

He was like pushing a boat in water. His Achilles erupted. I think it was like a GoFundMe. He needs surgery. He's got no money. Send money to Tom Dust. He's in Key West probably. Tom Dustin. Yeah. Give the real name. I don't know that. Sorry. Don't do nicknames. Tommy D needs some money. Some guy named Tom Dust just got like three grand. Yeah, there was up... His Achilles is Tom Dust right now. It was not a GoFundMe, but whatever the fuck it's called. But it was up for like a day.

Yeah. That's horrible. Wow. Yeah, I don't know. I'll send you the link. That's a long recovery for an athlete. So for regular people, that ain't good. No, somebody said they're like, well, they put a cast on it and they're hoping he doesn't need surgery. I'm like, yeah, maybe that pack of cigarettes a day for 30 years will help that Achilles heel. Yeah, right? Well, we'll see. So yeah, we're going to send him some cash. Hilarious guy. You ever do that, Rome? You should do that. I should do it. Where is it? Key West.

It's fun. Not for you. Yeah, it's fun. It's great. I went. It was awesome. But Mark, we should do it together. I'll show up in black socks, sneakers, and a... And a hot coffee. Yeah. With the post. Yeah, yeah. Key West is a magical place. You go down there, your problems melt right off you. We did jet skis all day. We drank all day. The shows were fun. Yeah, it's fun. There's probably a chiropractor, I'm sure. Yeah, there you go. Get your neck...

Maybe they got a TV with the Knicks game. Something.

Do you have any bits you want to try? Dude, I've been on a vacation. I'm afraid to, like, I blocked your number in my phone because I've been gone for 10 days. I haven't even kind of written anything. You got to have an idea, Bruin. Just something. I mean, even the thing you said about the baseball game is funny. Yeah, maybe. I'll see. I don't know. But I'm on vacation. This is where we're different. This is where we're different and we're very different. I go on vacation. The whole thing is off. I'm out. I'm just out on comedy, and then I'll pump it out when I'm...

I care about family and friends and stuff. Yeah, overrated. Weird. You guys are more successful. It's a sliding scale, you know? There you go. It's all about balance. Let me see. Yeah, a lot of these just are bits. You guys. You got one? I got one I'm trying. Tell me what you think about this. Hold on. Let me go through notes. Okay. Everybody's looking at their notes. I'll fill time here. Okay. This is an idea I had. Everything's backwards now. It used to be like, what do you do on a date? Now you ask what their mental illness is.

Oh, yeah. Do you know what I mean? Like, you know she's got borderline personality while you're having appetizers. And then like three months in, you're like, oh, software engineer.

That's funny. You learn that later. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's funny. I like that. Something there. All right, I'll play with it. Yeah, that's funny. All right. All right. That's funny. That's how you do it. You really save it. I'm like, this is shit. I know, right? Mine is a completely half-baked idea. Oh, here's a tweet I wrote down. This could be a bit, but you know how like Nolan Ryan has seven no-hitters, but he has like 21 one-hitters, which is like more impressive. Yeah.

Like he's got seven no hitters, which is amazing. But like 21 hitters. Like he almost had 30 no hitters. Right. I'm exactly like that with shitting my pants. I've shit my pants like seven times, but I've almost shit my pants 30 times. It's part of the tweet. I don't know. I like it. It's funny. At the very least, it's a great stat. Yes. Let me double check that. Because on podcasts...

You say a thing. People are like, you fucking retard. He had 31 hitters. I'm like, I know. Sorry. So let me just get... Can't focus on the numbers that much. Let me get the right thing here. Yeah. I think it's 21, though. 12. Excuse me. I reversed it. I'm dyslexic. I got mine. It sucks, too. But is there anything here about how, like...

To me, LGBTQ is weird because trans, most of them, lesbian, gay, bi, is all about your sexual preference, who you're attracted to. But trans is just a gender issue. So it has really nothing to do with who you're attracted to. So it almost feels like my racist uncle made that list. Like, ah, they're all weird. Put them together. You know? It's almost like when your grandfather's like,

He thinks everybody from Asia is Chinese. You know, he puts them all together. I don't know. It feels weird that those are lumped together because trans has nothing to do with gay. I think it's an excellent point. Well, I need the bit. Keen observation, though. Okay, but I think the China thing could hit. The China thing is a funny connection. Like, we should get sushi. I hate Chinese food. You know, your grandfather just thinks everybody Asian is Chinese. Brought it out there.

Give him some laughs right here if you could. Please. Thank you. Nah, you're good at that. You're good at that. Or the laser beams, the bion, bion, bion, bion, you know? We'll do that. Did you watch the Baylor? Give me an air horn. The documentary about the Baylor murders? No. It's amazing. It's on Showtime. Yeah, it's really good. That's probably why I haven't seen it. Yeah. Showtime. But they do make good docs on Showtime. Yeah. It's Showtime at the Apollo. It's a documentary about murder. Yes. They sweep you off and kill you. They hook your neck. Yeah. Yeah.

What about this? Is this anything? Let me redeem myself. Redeem. I was watching the news, and it was like the local news, and this guy was a pizza delivery driver. He saw a guy get held up at gunpoint, and he called the police, and the reporter was like, why didn't you step in? And he goes, bitch, I make $10 an hour. You think I'm stepping in? Blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, well, what does the money matter? If you were a millionaire, would you be like, oh, my God, why did you run into that burning building? Like, well, I make a million dollars a year. I feel like I had to do something. Oh.

That's funny, yeah. You know? Yeah, so I feel like if I'm rich, I'm more likely to not want to go in. Yeah, yeah. And as if Domino's paid you $40,000 a year or $40,000 an hour or $40 an hour, you'd be like, all right, I should step in. They pay me well. Well, it's like you heard that from someone else saying it when it makes sense because it makes sense like...

If somebody robs a restaurant and then runs and they say to the busboy, go get him. Right. And he's like, I make $7 an hour. I'm not going for that. That makes sense in the context. He's like, that's outside of my job description. Right. But this case, it sounds like that guy is just stealing someone else's point that made sense. I see. It's also like you're like at a... But even with the busboy, you're like, well, you could just help too. But the burning pony has nothing to do with Domino's.

And the held up in gunpoint. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah. That's why it's funny. Oh, I see. I see. There's something here for sure. Yeah, like if Domino's paid more, you would fight crime also, you know? All right. I'll work on that. Yeah, there's something there. All right. Yeah. And also police make very little money too, so you could throw that in. Yeah, yeah. You think I'm going in there? I make $14 an hour. Yeah, exactly. This is just a joke for a movie or a sketch.

Maybe it's been done. There's a guy talking to his girlfriend. There's a guy talking to his buddy about his breakup. And he's like, don't worry. She'll find someone better. He says that to the friend. You just broke up. And I say, don't worry. She'll find someone better. That's fun. Nice turn. But not a stand-up. I mean, I'm not kidding. I haven't written anything in three weeks. All right. What else you got? I feel like we did two. Oh. Hit me.

What about this? This is actually a premise that I've said nine times on stage, but I have no joke. You remember those things in the waiting room with the... You have like a block that goes around the wire. Remember that thing? And the doctor's office for kids. Oh, yeah. The little things. That's like practice for taking a woman's underwear off. You got to pull it around the butt and then up, down the knee, and then off the foot. It's kind of similar. Interesting. That's all I have.

Because it's a similar thing. You're pulling the panties around the loop and there's a loop-de-loop. There you go. Yeah. Something.

I used to have a thing. Now I saw Michael Rowland has a similar bit. So I dropped mine, but it was about how trying to, he's got good stuff. Trying to turn a TV, a flat screen TV on is like feeling up a woman. You're like, Oh, I think I felt the nub there. That could be something. That's funny. But he, I think he does it. And mine was working a little bit and his killed. So I just dropped mine. He's really good. Yeah. He's got, I quoted one of his bits a couple of weeks ago on this. He's, he's got good stuff. This might be nothing. Let me try this. It's a,

I was thinking about pre-cum babies. It's already over. Well, that's crazy that can happen. I wonder if you can tell who's a pre-cum baby. Maybe they show up early to parties they weren't invited to. Oh, I like that. Yeah. I like that. They get there too early. Yeah. And you're like, oh, we weren't expecting you. Yeah. We didn't think you would show up. You weren't really wanted here. Well, maybe there's a twist. Yeah. They're also... They suck to be around because their parents are shitty or whatever. Right. The twist is also...

You can tell that way, but you can also tell because they have never experienced love. And they ruin the party like a kid would ruin a party. You ruined. Yeah, this isn't the first party you ruined. Yeah. Something like that. Yeah. All right. I'll play with that. There's something there. That's funny. I like that. Yeah.

It's like a Stephen Wright's joke about I was born cesarean section, you know, so now every time I leave the house, I go out the window. Oh, that's good. He's fucking classic. Oh, yeah. I love his bit about forgot to take my seatbelt off in the plane. So embarrassing. I'm like, I'm dragging the plane through the lobby. Yeah, yeah.

I love his joke. I went to a diner and said, eat breakfast anytime. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. Yes. That's a great joke. He's great. Classic. He's got some perks. Classic jokes. Couldn't find my socks, so I called information. They said they're behind the couch. Damn. So deadpan. I know. I actually came home late. I put my car key in my apartment door and the whole building started up.

Oh, my God. Reminds me of Kylie. Brian Kylie also said the best jokes. Some of the best jokes. I love it. I can't even say it without laughing. He goes, for her birthday, I got my eight-year-old daughter a bouncy castle. I paid for it with a bouncy check. Oh, damn. Bouncy. Bouncy check. A bouncy check. He's a classic. What does he say? He's like, my wife gets drunk, gets really, I call my wife pumpkin because she gets smashed around the holidays.

He's got the other one. Well, he's got a bunch, but I'm six foot five. My wife is five eight. So she has no idea that I'm bald. I love that one. Also, he had the one about his brother at a heart attack and the doctor said he could have sex again when you can walk up a flight of stairs. And he goes, why? Who's up there? Oh, I like that. Classic jokes. Oh, wait. I'm so Irish. My blood type is O apostrophe. There's a great line.

That one's great. And then the marry a girl twice his age, you know that one with the baby? I mean, I gave away the punchline first, but he has a baby and he's at the maternity ward and there's a guy next to him and he's like, yeah, this is my son. He was born today. And the guy next to him goes, that was my daughter. She was born yesterday. And then he's like, who knows? Maybe we'll end up getting married. And he's like, my son's not going to marry a woman twice his age. Oh, wow. That's great.

I'm going through his Twitter right now. That's what I'm doing. He tweets stuff. He tweets jokes? He gets like seven favorites because he's got no followers. I got to follow him. He's got some great stuff. I follow him. He was a Conan writer for many years. Great, great jokes. I discovered him on Dr. Katz, I think. I'm starting to think my dad has a gambling problem. Last week, he lost me in a poker game. Yeah.

I bombed hard in front of him once at an L.A. bar show and it crushed me because I was such a fan. It was a brutal bomb. He's ripped too. He told me he would just watch. I think he would just watch the Red Sox games on like two speed. So it would speed it up while he was just like running on a treadmill. And I was like, this dude's just like a machine. Yeah, he is. Jokes. Yeah, he's great. Now I'm just reading tweets. Sorry. Well, plug the special, the movie, where you're going to be. Is this two episodes? I feel like I've been here for a month. Oh.

I don't know what it's you, so we went a little long. Oh, Jesus Christ, I'm falling over. Where am I going to be? Those are all... I've got to update my website, obviously. I'm not good at business. What do you got in the summertime? What's cooking out there in the future? Oh, I've got Atlanta, June 24th, 25th. Same weekend the movie's premiering. It's going to premiere, we think, at the Beacon Theater, I believe. Wow. Not the Beacon Theater. Yes, the Beacon Theater.

That's amazing. Maybe I shouldn't say that. It's not fully booked yet. But anyways, the movie's coming out soon. I'm going to be in Atlanta, punchline June 24th and 25th. And then August... Oh, June 9th through the...

I think, or 8th through the 10th. I'm at San Francisco Punchline. Ooh, I love that room. And then August, I'm in Nashville for the first time. Never worked in Nashville. Zany's? Zany's, yeah. Oh, that's a blast. And then the special's out right now. It's called This Year's Material, Joe List, on YouTube. The movie's coming out in a month, but the special's the main thing. Go watch that. It's amazing. Share it, tell a friend. You're one of the best, not just working, but period. You're really one of my favorite comics. And you got a great podcast. Oh, thank you. I got a, I got,

1100 podcasts Mindful Metal Jackets coming back this next month and then Joe and Ron on Talk Movies on YouTube which I'm gonna quit because I'm a bad person and of course Tuesdays with Stories every Tuesday here here and I can say I was at the we were both there at the taping amazing lights out so that's gonna be a hot one and

And, uh, yeah. What do you got? Where are you going to be? Uh, end of the month, Toronto. We're doing two, uh, two theater shows there. Bluma pellets can be great. Uh, Providence, Chicago taping a special Tampa, Cleveland, Houston, West Palm, uh, Buffalo, San Jose. You get the deal. Samuel.com slash shows. There you go. I'm at Mark Norman, comedy.com. All kinds of good stuff. Stand up live Irvine improv, doing some dates with Chrysler, a pantages theater in Minneapolis. Uh,

Cleveland, at the Agora, all kinds of fun stuff. Give it a whirl. Tuesdays for Stories. We might be drunk. Get on the Patreon. Get a glass. Get a shirt. Go nuts. Kill yourself. Fuck your dad. Praise Allah. Thank you. Sunday. Next. Vendors. I've been too close. Much further than in class. It's feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New. I remember. And I. We. Love.