Ep 75: Anthony DeVito
01:11:03 Share

Hey, hey, folks. Here we are. We might be drunk. We're doing it. And we got rum and cokes here. And our old pal, Anthony DeVito. Man, what's up? What's shaking? Good to see you, dude. Nothing much, man. Good to see you guys. Oh, you went Jersey Tony on us all of a sudden here. You're using the ottoman? I don't think anyone's ever used it before. Yeah, man. I mean, I...

I do like... Whenever... I like to get as comfortable as humanly possible in any situation. Uh-huh. Because I... You know, I don't know. You guys are pretty similar where you like... You have nerves all the time. Do you know what I mean? Yes. Like some kind of underbelly of nerves. So if I can get as...

appear as comfortable as possible, my body might be fooled into thinking like I'm super relaxed. Right. That's why we put the whiskey in there. Oh, yeah. No, man, this is all great. This is a great setup. I'm glad you guys could join me on my pod. This is great. You know, that shit is true, though. They say, I read a fun fact, if you smile, even if you're not actually happy, your brain will think you're happy and it'll help you feel better. Totally. I think that's the movie The Joker right there. He's like, I'm doing great. Yeah.

Yeah, I must be. That's how dumb we are. That's so crazy that you could just fool yourself with a smile. But I remember doing that starting off. I think because I saw... I think I would watch Nick Turner. He seemed so comfortable on stage. Yeah. And he would hold the mic stand, and he would just kind of lean in certain ways. Yes. He probably was doing the same thing, but I was like, that guy is comfortable. Man. So for years, I did that. Yeah.

But with like a timber, like a shaking voice. You know what I mean? I'm not fooling anybody. I totally, this is going to sound like bullshit. I remember you going from here to here comedically with like confidence. Yeah. You just picked it up a notch and I went up to you because we were all struggling and you know, you're clueless as a comic. Like, should I do this? Should I do that? Should I do this?

And should I go blackface? Should I go props? In Mark's case, both. We all supported it. Yes. Thank you for that. These were different times three years ago. Hopefully that footage isn't unearthed. I hate unearthed. It's so dramatic. But...

My point is, I went up to you because I was just always looking for tips or notes or anything. And I said, your confidence is up. What would you do? Would you change? And all you said was, every line that comes into my head, I just say it now. Instead of worrying, like, is this funny? Is that something? You just regurgitate it all. It doesn't work for everybody, by the way. I think Mel Gibson and Michael Richards did the same thing. Did not end well.

I mean, there's a little censoring. Yeah, yeah, for sure. But no, like, but I think even, I think I needed that, you know what I mean? To then get back to like, okay, I can think a little bit more. But I felt so reserved that I was like, oh, I can't riff at all or be in the moment because I'm so held back by like whatever filter I have going on. So it was like, I had to just be like, oh, just say anything. Say it. And then clean it up later. Yeah. And it was also, that was years ago where it was like before everyone filmed anything.

Anonymity was nice. Yeah. So it was like, it was huge to be able to just bomb without any worry at all. I know. Isn't that crazy? You need that for comedy. I used to think about doing prom shows. I said the worst shit. Oh my God. These kids. Oh my God. And then when you fucked them. Yeah.

That was actually the least offensive part. I was still doing my act. I still counted it. No, I remember there was one night at LOL, and it's like, I can't remember for the life of me what I said. I just have this very vivid memory of looking an old Indian man in the face, giving him the finger, and going, fuck you, and getting off. And it's like, whatever...

went up to that moment. Like, but it's like, exactly. You're like, yeah, I am so in that club. He probably deserved it. I still stand by that. I think he did. I think it was one rude engineer from Bangladesh. I do. But the good thing about you is you can go, wait, I'm Indian. You do have the ethnically ambiguous. What do you get?

I mean, I get, you know, Jewish is the most common, but I think that's just a product of, like, living in New York. There's more Jews here than others. Just means you're an uncool Italian. Yeah. I never get Italian, which is, like, always very insulting. But I got this the other day, and I didn't really know what it meant because I don't know a ton about Judaism. But I was outside, like, Joe's Pizza, like, in Williamsburg, and I was just eating a slice, and this guy comes up to me, and he was like, are you Jewish? And I was like, I'm not. And he goes, ah, that's a shame. We needed a 12th.

You're the 12th Jew. I don't know for what. What is that? Like a 12-step Jew program? What is that? A sport? I don't know. But for me, I was like, you're not doing yourself any favors with their sorcery involved. Yeah. Maybe it's a softball team? It could have been a softball team. Six on six softball. I think it was some, and I don't know, but I think it was some kind of ceremony that

And not anything devious, but just some kind of religious ceremony. You look in the window, they're putting deer blood on their face. Ha ha ha.

I think the Jews do put sheep blood on the door. It's on something. It's on something. There's blood involved. I'm a terrible Jew. Orthodox, the super Jewish do that. They'll use animal blood. Goat's blood, I think it is. Priests put it on their finger after they do what they do. Circumcision? That's just celebratory. I don't knock that. Jew blood. But yeah, no, I would get Jewish a lot. I used to, I mean like...

I got Mexican more when I was younger, but I think I've aged out of Mexican a little bit. And now it's pretty much strictly the occasional Jewish, but the standard is Middle Eastern. Yeah, Middle Eastern to me, I see the most. Yes, I get that the most often. Like any audition I've ever... I've showed up to auditions. I remember showing up to an audition for the part of Samir, and then when I signed into the call sheet, there were six guys named Samir there.

Wow. It was like, yeah, he's here. Like, there's no way I'm going to get it. That's crazy. It might not have been six. There's probably like three or whatever. Ambiguous is good, though, for roles. Because you're probably the only guy who's auditioned for Harold and Kumar.

Yeah, they save a buck that way. Right, exactly. Yeah, I do. And then I have another memory of like whoever the guy is that directed The Bourne Identities, like Doug, I'm not sure his last name. Oh, Lyman. Yeah, Doug Lyman. Is that Lyman? Yeah, he's the first one. He did Swingers. Oh, okay, yeah. So there was something with like Verizon commercial, and I would only go out for like cab driver, hot dog vendor, hijacker commercial.

So it's this Verizon commercial. And I was just doing the cab drive and I was doing the lines. And it was a callback. So it was like, you know, this is a big deal. It's one of the first auditions. There's so many people in the room. I'm nervous. And like The Bourne Identity is like my mom's favorite movie. So I walk in and I was like, hey, man, Bourne Identity is my mom's favorite movie. He could give a fuck about that. So I sit down. I start doing the cab driver. And they just go. They were like, ah, fuck.

can you do this like a little more ethnic for us? And I was like, well, like, what do you mean? How many years ago was this? I mean, this was probably like six years ago. Yeah. This is pretty, this is, climate's changed. Yes. You can get away with this in a casting room. So like, and I was like, now they say a little more, uh, New York authentic. Right. A little more, uh, I don't know, Jackson Heights-y. Um, could you be smellier? Yeah.

So I'm doing it. And I said, because I was worried, because I was like, look, I can't do the voice. So if you want me to do the voice, it's going to be racist. Because I'm not good at the voice. And that's how it's just going to be. And they were like, I'm sure it'll be fine. So the minute I start, I don't even say words. I just go, dooty booty, dooty booty. Where should we go, ma'am? It's not even in the script.

And they were like, yeah, that'll be enough. Why did you add stuff? I felt the character. Oh, man. You're the reason they killed off Apu. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, and I remember Hari was right outside the room. And right after that, I saw him take out his notepad and just furiously write. Yeah, yeah. Damn.

Booty, booty, doobie, doobie. That's not good. But yeah, I just, it was exactly, I was like, ah, let me try to find it. Yeah, yeah. So I did that first to like rev the engine. And it was so horrible. You got down, you started praying. Five times at the audition. And that's my biggest fear is that like those casting directors get, they have the tapes.

And they just get drunk and they just watch the tapes with each other or they go, oh, this guy's somebody now. We're going to leak this.

This is going to be a tragedy for him. But they get to enjoy that later. Like, remember that fucking guy with the booty booties? I do kind of love that. Yeah. That they could at least have a good time with that. What is going on with self-tapes? Have you ever gotten... I've auditioned. I've done 900 self-tapes. I've never gotten one. Maybe I've gotten two callbacks in 900. Maybe. That's pretty good. Yeah. We're not actors. No. I mean, that's the thing. It's like, we're going against people...

But think about this. We're going against people who their whole life is acting. Right. It's literally like them showcasing on a stand-up show with us. Yeah. How come I can't book this? I know. You're on with pros. And mine's like an iPhone tilted up on a counter, and I'm like, am I in front of it? And then you have to re-watch it to make sure you got halfway in it. I'm always reading it with my friend. I read with John Weisberg all the time, who's stuttering through his words. I'm like, you're blowing the rhythm. I know.

Yeah, I do it with Julia, my fiancee, who gets too into it. It clicks in her a little bit that she's like, I could have this role. And then all of a sudden it's like, you're making this about you, and now it's a major problem because you're doing so much better than me off screen. Right. You're making me look horrible. Right. She might get it. Yeah. I also think, I mean, the three of us,

Not that whatever you guys, you know, like you guys are amazing comics, but I don't think the three of us, whatever. Shut up. But keep it moving. But the three of us, I don't know that we're like natural performers. No, no, no, no. We love writing jokes and we love stand up. But like, you know, if I if that just happens to be the medium, we have that we have to get up there and say the jokes. Yes. You know, acting is crazy.

I mean, look, some great comics are great actors. Of course. But a lot of acting is the opposite of comedy. Comedy is like trashing, pretentious, vulnerability, all that shit. And that's our whole...

That's our weakness. That's our kryptonite. I see headshots, and I'm like, get over yourself. That's actors. Exactly. There's something, too. To be a good actor, you have to be able to read bad dialogue well. And we hate bad dialogue. We're more writers than actors. And you have to turn that part of your brain off that's insecure. And some of that insecurity makes you a great comic because you're constantly in turmoil with yourself inside. Right.

So if you're an actor, you just don't hear any of that. Well said. And you can just be so emotional and vulnerable. Yeah. But every moment, we're checking ourselves. Yeah. And being like, you can't, what are you, nuts? You can't act like that, you lunatic. Oh, dude. But that's what makes you great as a comic, terrible as an actor. Exactly. I did an audition in L.A. and I went to the play. This is...

eight years ago. I was... Damn, remember going to auditions? Oh, it would take your whole day. You drive around LA in a rental car. It's eight hours between... You got to go to Malibu. You got to go to Santa Monica. Then you got to go to Venice. It was a nightmare. So I had three auditions and it took the whole day. So I'm in this little bungalow trailer thing on some lot and they're like, okay, did you get

the sides I'm like I didn't get the sides even though I got them I never read them so I was like I'll wing it I'll figure it out when I'm there I get there they go okay and I sat down with an old man and they gave me the paper and it's I read it real quick he dies next to me my dad has a heart attack we're watching a football game and they get the dad's like and I'm like dad get out of here what are you crazy and they're like get out get out they kick me out

That's how bad my audition was. I drove all the way there until like an hour. Ten seconds, I was gone. That's so funny. I can't act like that. Sadness. Right. You want to go, I just met this guy. You break immediately and you just be like, I just want to be a real person in front of you. That's comedy. The situation is hilarious. So Mark having to show emotion. Oh.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. I would. I would. Let's try it real quick. Mark, I'm dying right now. This is your friend Sam dying. Let's see if you could do this. This is an acting exercise for Mark. Ready? All right. What are you, gay? Come on. Get it together. But no one's tried that. Maybe it brings the guy back to life. Nobody knows. He's not wrong. There you go. The science isn't there. What are you, choking on semen? Come on. Shut up, you prick. All of a sudden you're revived. Shut up.

Mark, you reading for a civil rights lawyer? Mark goes, ah, you fucking queef. Ah, you queef. Fuck you, you queef. That's not even the size. We don't know what you're doing.

Yeah, I would love to have seen, I think, both of you for different reasons in an audition. Mark for that reason, and Sam for some sort of confrontation that you would find somewhere in there. Yeah. Just with somebody who you call a phony. Well.

I could do that one, I think. I had a call with my... What do you call it? The guy who finds you gigs. Like the audition guy. Oh, sure. The acting... Acting agent? Commercial agent? Yeah, one of those guys. This guy, Dean. Really cool guy. Slick LA guy. And he was like, so I want you to know, if you have...

If you don't feel connected with a role, if you read it and it doesn't hit home for you, you don't have to do it. Because I was just doing everything to try to be nice. Totally. And I was like, oh, I didn't know. He's like, yeah, yeah, no. We want you to just go out for roles you want. I was like, okay. And he should have never told me that because now every email I'm like, not connecting. I don't even read them anymore. Not connecting, not connecting.

This one says comedian with a drinking problem. I'm like, yeah, it's not working for me. Stretch. Can't do it. I got no range. It's funny. These agents sometimes, they're like, you could do this. I'm like, you're a better actor than I am. Right. That's a really good point. You're believing in me right now. Totally. So true. You've been acting the whole time you signed me. Every email, everything. How are you not doing that? How is it clicked for you? It's your agent. You're killing it.

You're killing it. I'm like, you're good. Yeah. You're good. The amount of times they've said, you're killing it, Adam. You have the best. Can we tell that Asian story? Oh, sure. Yeah. You can tell that. This is one of the best. Did I tell you this? Oh, yeah. This is great. Oh, man. This is like...

So this is... I guess this happened sometime last year, right? So I write this script. It's getting good feedback from a lot of people. I'm really excited about it. So I sent it out. People are responding right away. I sent it to my agent. He doesn't respond for a month. And it's so crazy how we're so ingrained that we're like, that's...

kind of standard but it's like that's nonsense you know what i mean like this is your one job i gave you a thing that's good this is your job to sell that thing you should be so excited so he doesn't get back to me and he's like finally does get back to me and like his response was it was so condescending he was just like scripts are hard but you wrote one and that's great wow

Not even like, that's like subtext. That's like pretty much the email. Holy shit. I'm furious. I want to tell him to fuck off right back. So instead of that, like my writing partner, I mean, you guys know Shacky, so he's writing with me. So he's like, don't email your agent that just, you know, let off steam email. That's your manager. So I'm like, so I email that to my manager, but I'm also in the email, like making fun of him for like, you know, like it's like agent, agent speak where they're just like, I'm so Jiminy jazz about like what we're working on these days, my man. Right. So like,

I email my manager back in the way he talks and then he email him back in the way he talks. So I'm like, man, I'm so super psyched to have you on the project. Like, tell me the lot you want in Malibu. Let's look at real estate right now. Let's get on Zillow. Like that kind of attitude. Yeah. So I send that to him, but not knowing that I copy and paste in my accident, all the shit talking I was doing to him in the body of that email. So I send him everything.

Well, what kind of shit are we talking like? Fuck this guy or I hate this guy. A little bit of that, but like more like...

impersonating him in emails, which is like, I would say even worse. But do you think he caught it? Yeah, he read it all. He read it all. So he emails me back and he goes like, hey man, that's great news about this network responding to the project, but I don't think you meant to send me all that other stuff that you sent in the email. And yeah, I was like, you know, look, I'm sorry. You have to like read

that way. Yeah. But I'm not sorry about like any of the, like, uh, any of the actual feelings like in there. But, uh, damn, that's brutal. But yeah, no, it was, I, I felt, it was weird. Cause like I felt at some point, like I was like, it's funny. So I was just like, yeah, it was like a fun story. I, I did feel kind of like, all

All right, this has been going on too long and I probably would just let it go on forever. So it was kind of like a way out of it. But I did feel horrible that that's the way he found out. You know what I mean? Like I even like the lowest person in my head. I never want them to be in that position, no matter how much they've wronged me like that. I was like, that's fucked up.

Yeah. But yeah, I had a similar thing happen with an ex-girlfriend. I texted a friend like I would come by, but I got to hang out with my dumb girlfriend. It's going to be boring as shit. And I sent it to her. And but luckily it was so mean that she thought it was a joke. Sure. Yeah. I was like, thank God I was mean. You have to like ham it up even more. The next three. She's like, this seems pointed at her. Dumb bitch. I hate her so much. My mother had to deal with this. Yeah. Yeah.

But I got away with it, thank God. But boy, the feelings you go through of like, how can I reverse this? Can I go back and do a Superman and spin the Earth back? You want to pray to God for some kind of rewind button. I felt that for a second, but I think if he was a better agent, I would have actually felt that. But I think I was more like, hey, I'm kind of happy he knows that I'm pissed off. I'm not happy that that's how he found out, but I am happy he knows that. You worked hard on the script, and you want at least like...

Fake support or something. Yeah. What about, can you talk about the show you're doing now, the one-man show? Yeah, of course. Yeah. Ask me anything you want about that. Yeah, so I started doing that. Great premise. It's exciting as hell. Yeah. I'm excited for you. I'm excited too, man. It's been interesting and completely different to do because we're all comics that came up in New York, so you're like so many jokes per second.

That's how we came up, surviving at open mics that way. So I'm doing this one-man show about my dad who was a made man in a crime family. And I found that out when I was 18. Up until that point, my mom told me that he just died in a car accident. Wow. Yeah. So at 18, I found that out. And then about 10 years after that, I found out that he had been in prison for five years. He was like...

you know, like a murderer. Like he was like a contract killer. He was a violent hit man. Italian guy from Jersey. All right. What are the odds? Just checking. Holy shit. Yeah. Did he have a cool nickname? Uh, he actually didn't have a cool nickname, which I was a little,

But then I was like, I was, yeah, I was a little disappointed, but I was also like, all right, that's kind of good that he's not like, you know, that's my father, Knuckles Malone. It's still my dad. So I was like, man, it was kind of a measured, subdued, like nickname. Right, right. You got the same eyes as the ice pick. Yeah. A contract killer. That's crazy, man.

Yeah, it's pretty heavy. I mean, obviously there's a lot more to him as a person than that, but those are the things I read in a newspaper. So it was pretty heavy to find out. So I started like I wanted to – because I never really talked about this with anybody. My mom was like, don't ever talk about this anywhere when I was 18 years old, like even friends, whatever. For your safety? Yeah, for my safety. A little bit of like –

She went through it all with him. So for her, she knew, I guess, the stakes of what he was and what could happen and what could be. But I mean, this is years removed from it. But I also understand her concern. Of course. So I never said anything. But then years went by. And it's like, man, you hold on to something like that. Especially around like, you know, it's like, I didn't tell you guys until recently. Right. I thought your dad died of cancer. Yeah.

yeah exactly it's like yeah i don't like lie like i don't like lying in general you know what i mean unless it's like very fun and i'm at a wedding but like i'm a doctor yeah but like you know i i hate keeping anything from the people that you know i love in my life so it was like yeah it was like really hard for me to do so eventually i was like i don't want to do that any longer and especially like comedy in new york it's like truth is currency you know so it's like

I didn't want to do that any longer, so I made that decision. Then I was like, okay, I'll start talking about him on stage. Just kind of thought this would be a chunk in my act. Then as I was doing it, I was like, yeah, the jokes weren't hitting. Maybe they weren't great jokes, but also it was like, I think people in the audience were like, this is too complicated to just unpack in a stand-up set. I have a similar problem. It's tough. You have one of my favorite lines that I think about all the time.

about how you know when something crazy happens to you like let's say you get held up at gunpoint or whatever and people are like whoa that's gonna be a killer 10 minutes the pressure to write that is so strong i can't think of it because i can but i could write 20 minutes on like gay sex of course you know because it's just there yeah and you have that joke or that line about like my mom is dating a black blind right right whatever it is yeah and i've never felt more pressure to write a joke yeah so you got a punch line about that problem yeah

Which I'm so jealous of that line. It's a very inside comedy joke. Yeah. Yeah, that was one like that specifically because people where I would tell them that story, they'd be like, you got to write about this. But everything I had was like it just felt cosmetic and I wasn't getting to like the core of what it was. And I think, yeah, because I think you do a similar thing where you like you record and then listen.

Yes.

Right. So, yeah. So with this show, that's what it felt like, where I was like, oh, I can't just unpack this in like five minutes at the end of a set. Like this needs to be its own thing. Also, it's not like the type of, it's too complicated and real. I mean, people are like, you're following someone going, you know, dating's weird. And you're going, my dad was murdered. And they're just like, all right. Yeah. Are you on Tinder though? Because we don't understand. Yeah.

Is your dad on Tinder? Are you cool? Is your dad cool? Well, it's such a... It's funny. Like, Rock will do a thing. Chris Rock will do a thing sometimes where he repeats a premise. Alopecia. Yes, sir. He'll keep repeating the premise, though, because it's such a... Usually a heady premise. You know? And, I mean, yeah, this is a rich...

for clubs. Yes, it's, yeah, and even going back to the rock thing, I think that's why he's like my favorite and such a master because he had like, he had such heady, smart ideas that he was like saying, he was performing to audiences that normally wouldn't get those. Right. So he had to like

he performs the shit out of those in such a way that's probably unnatural to him, but he's smart enough to know like, well, if I want to get across what I want to get across, it has to be done this way. It's just such an accomplishment as like a writer to performer kind of thing. I know it's so hard. It's so hard to write heavy shit and make it accessible and quick and packaged to where it's funny and they can just eat it up.

And maintain your integrity with the idea. Like, it's so difficult. Yeah. But yeah, to what you're saying, yes. Like, that part of it, I've never done this before because, like, I'm more of a joke guy than a story guy. But with this, like, it...

I was doing it as, like, more, like, in the vein of, like, a series of stand-up jokes while trying to, like, tell this story. And it just, like, it wasn't working because of the personal nature of the story. And it's a lot of stuff that, like, I've never really talked about before, and especially on stage. So, like, I'm working through it. And I always thought, like, when people said that in, like, such a, like, esoteric-y kind of way, like, I was like, yeah, it's kind of bullshit. But then, like...

as I'm doing it, like I am feeling that where I'm like some of the lines, like I'll say, and for a brief second, I'm not remembering them. I'm saying them. And I'm like, shit, this is like hitting me in the moment. And like, I'm about to cry. And I, this is fucked up. Have you talked about this stuff in therapy before performing? Yes.

Yeah. Oh, the minute I plopped down in therapy, cause I couldn't talk about this with anybody. So she was like, she was like, hi, so you're Anthony. I was like, my dad was a main man. And she was like, let me get my pen. She's like, this isn't going to be an analyze this situation. They did that line in the Sopranos. Remember that? They did a thing where I don't need, I don't need to analyze this. Dude. So you, you're talking about this with a therapist. That to me is so interesting. Cause it's,

You're trying to work through it as a human, but then you're also... Yes. You're like, was that funny? That line that he gave you? Oh, yeah. Yes. Your dad's thinking, my son's a fucking snitch. Yeah. That is the interesting thing because it is very heavy, complicated material, but I know that I'm still doing a show.

So it is like there are lines, and especially too because some of the lines are just like they're serious because I'm trying to convey emotion that's not just laughter, only because the moment needs that. If it didn't, I wouldn't, but I've never wrote that way, so you're running the line of being saccharine, and that's been the challenging part. You know what I mean? Saying a line that's effective emotionally but doesn't seem like I'm purposely trying to be effective.

Yes. And then, yeah, you have those like I'm like, I don't know if that tag works about like him being in the trunk. You know what I mean? It's like it's insane to sort of like split your brain into these different places and still be like a human being. That's crazy. But this is great because these one man shows are one person shows. A lot of them. I feel like they're trying to replicate that feeling part. And you're a good comic.

So you have the feelings are real and you get the great writing. So I can't wait to see it. Yeah, man. I mean, it's getting there. It's just a matter of like it. Honestly, I didn't. I still don't know if it's a one man show. I don't even know what that is. I just know that it has sad parts. So I'm just saying that so people aren't like disappointed that it's not a full stand up hour. Sure, sure. But like. That's good. That's okay. It feels like a more theatery show. Yeah. Broken it.

down. Yeah. One man show type of. Yes. The pace of it. Cause I approached it just with like, let me just fill it with jokes. Not, and this is a lot to Shaki's credit. Who's also directing it. Who was like really great at being like, no, like this needs to have an arc. You need to have like a reason that you're doing this. Like he put all the pieces in place. That's like, this needs to, we kind of like, we kind of needed to approach this more of like you're writing a pilot than you are writing like a standup app.

Oh, wow. So you need to establish a character in the beginning of like, this is who you are. This is why this problem in your life is so difficult. And these are the stakes of that problem. Right. And then it goes from there. Like a Neil Brennan kind of thing. Yes. Yeah, exactly. He's doing a similar piece, like that thing. I think it's called Unacceptable. Right. I think it's all about his childhood and all that. But it's an hour, but it's more like this. How is your mom dealing with you doing this? I mean, she...

So, I mean, it's interesting because she always looked at my dad because she knows my dad as like not just whatever you would read in the paper. You know what I mean? And like The Sopranos does this wonderful job of depicting like people in this life, all sides of them. So like she knows him as this guy who loves to dance and who loves to like go to Broadway and like these sorts of things. So she saw him as like someone who it's like if he wasn't...

kind of born into this. If he was just given a choice, he might not have done this. In what ways was he born into it? I mean, like, I mean, it is... Because you're born into it. Yeah. Like, you're, you know, if you grow up around it or raised in it, you're gonna be, um, you're gonna be more susceptible to falling in line. Was his dad...

Yes. Yeah. So like his like the surrounding element to him was all in it. So it's like, you know, even if like, you know, people want to say like you always have a choice, but it's like you kind of don't if it's just that's completely your environment. So my mom for him, she was like, oh, I know him as this other version. So for me, if she stopped me from doing a thing that I wanted to do to express myself, she would be doing to me what was done to him.

And that way she didn't want to she kind of didn't want to, I guess, make in her head that same mistake. So for her, she was like, I can't stop you from doing this. But she does. Everything is run by her.

Wow. Does she laugh at it? Yeah, she thinks, I mean, she contributes. Wow. I'll say that's the hardest part. I mean, it's kind of, I talk about it in the show a little bit, but like, yeah, I feel like my mom pitches me jokes for the show and I have to be like, yeah, man, we can't do that. You gotta put in a small dick. Yeah, yeah. No, she literally says stuff like,

My mom is constantly trying to work in the movie Ocean's Eleven. Like, it's very difficult to turn these things down. Wait, can I ask a million? I got a million mom questions. Yeah, man, just ask whatever you want. All right, so you didn't know he was in the mob until you were 18, you said? Yes. Okay. So you guys must have been pretty well off. I mean, he's a made guy. He must have been bringing in big change. No, I mean, he's also a gambler.

So a lot of that goes out the window a little bit. Okay. So no, no. I mean, my family, my house is my mom, my great grandma, my grandma, and my youngest aunt. Holy shit. Yeah, it was like those people who lived in a shoe. A lot of estrogen, too. A lot of estrogen. Wow. Did he hate you? Not hate you, but was he like, my son's a puss? No, I mean, he was dead when I was born. Oh.

Oh, shit. I didn't know that. Yeah, no, it's okay. He died when I was born, so I would have no idea. But for what my mom has said of him, he was kind of like a song and dance kind of guy. And they would go to Dangerfields all the time. Really? Yes, because Dangerfields back then was the spot. Now it's gone, but it hasn't really changed since then. So they would go to Dangerfields. He loved comedy.

Wow. So there is that thing of like, oh, I don't think, I think he would be proud. I mean, if anything, like he would, it would be awkward. Yeah. If he's in the crowd. Right, right. There's like a gun on a table. But yeah, so I don't know, but I do think like he would be proud of me in that aspect. And like, it's like, man, if you're in that and like,

Like, real tough guys don't need to be tough all the time. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? You just kind of, it's there when you need it. And that's what really separates. You don't have to tell us, dude. Yeah, no. Who am I talking to? It's like a fight club in here. This is like a UFC locker room. But, like, you know, like, so many people that posture so much, it's like, well, they're not going to do anything.

thing. But like the people, I mean, this isn't true all the time, but the people that are like, oh, I know I have this in me and I'll just let it out when I have to. Like, it's like, those are the people you generally have to worry about. And like, from what my mom describes, he was of that ilk.

So like, I don't think he would be like, my son's a pussy as much as like, he would be like, oh yeah, he doesn't when he doesn't need to. But if something happened, maybe he would. You know what I mean? Did he have a temper? Yes. Oh boy. Yeah.

That's exciting. Yeah, no, and I have a temper as well. Yeah, yeah. So there are qualities like... And knowing that too is interesting, and I think that's why... You say you have a temper, but you're a pretty calm guy. I'm pretty calm, but if I flip, it's like...

It's like embarrassing. Do you know what I mean? Like where you're like, cause I'm not, I'm not used to anger. So like when it happens, it's like, it's, I'm like a new person at it. Well, do you feel like you bottle a lot of it up? Maybe to, I think I do. I mean like, I, like I was, we were talking yesterday. I was like, I have a night guard, so I must, you know what I mean? Like something is happening.

Yeah, because I grind my teeth at night. It's a big Italian guy outside his apartment. They call him Vinnie Nightcar. Do you need dental work? So you have a lot of anxiety. Yeah, I do. But like, yeah, he was more my mom would say he would get a look in his eyes. And when he got that look in his eyes, that's when you were like, you got to get away from him.

Gotcha. Because after that, it's like, it's red after that. And like growing up, I mean, I'm, you know, luckily for me, I didn't grow past like five foot six, right? Like I think if I was big,

I might have had more of the qualities I had when I was younger, which is like, yes, I was very quick to snap. And if I did, it was like, you know, red. Like I fought a kid for a whole year when we were in third grade. Like, you know, they would lock us. They would lock us in the courtroom and shut the lights. And I would just go at this kid who was like way bigger than me.

Really? Because, like, I do have this streak in me. And I think that's why I am very tempered as well because I know it's there, but I also know my, like, demeanor. And I know that if, like, if I have this, like, sort of, like, killer be killed mentality at my size, I'll be killed. Right. So I think it's also, like, I'm very aware also of, like, just my size. Yeah. Well, we got your nickname. And it's Anthony the third grader. Yeah.

We might be drunk is thrilled to welcome our new sponsor fanimal. I love live events. I hate buying tickets. The hidden fees suck and coordinating with your friends is a nightmare. They're garbage. I always end up fronting a bunch of money and chasing down my friends to get reimbursed. Not me personally, because I'm very generous. But if they flake, I'm stuck with the whole bill.

And then I discovered Fannable. Fannable has tickets to everything. There's no fees. The price you see is the price you pay. I mean, that's pretty big, honestly. Not only are those prices transparent, but they're almost always lower than anywhere else I look. And for any hot ticket like Coachella, a Laker game, or Dave Chappelle, Fannable is always the cheapest option. Nobody goes to live events anymore, so why buy tickets alone? Fannable, although if you do come to a show alone, there's nothing wrong with that, honestly. I love that.

Someone tweeted me about that the other day. They're like, I want to, is it weird? My friends bail. Is it weird if I come alone? I said, no, dude, enjoy yourself. And you know what? The guy made new friends at the show. I sat with these guys and they were tweeting me too. So you end up having a great time no matter what. Um,

I called you March.

March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March,

Get on it! Hey!

We Might Be Drunk is brought to you by Lucy. You're a responsible consumer and you want a responsible way to consume your nicotine, don't you? Well, if you're looking for nicotine gum, lozenges, or pouches to use nicotine to relax, focus, or just unwind after a long day, there's only one stop you should make. Lucy! I like this stuff. The gum tastes great. I prefer the lozenges because you can just throw them in. You're not smacking around town with the chewing. So get on it. Plus, you know...

It just tastes good, and it gives you a little jolt. Yeah? Oh, yeah. It gives you a kick. If I'm hungover, I pop one of those in, and I'm like, whoo-wee. Pretty good. It's the least healthy endorsement of all time. Also, if you're going to the casino, you're hitting the slots, just chew the gum, and you get the same nicotine without having to kill your lungs.

So you've been looking for an alternative to smoking. Why not switch to a nicotine product that can actually make you feel good and feel good about doing it? Tell them how, Fatty! If you enjoy using nicotine, you should definitely check out Lucy's products at lucy.co. That's lucy.co, promo code DRUNK at checkout. Also, I have to read this disclaimer. Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. Remember...

If you're interested in a better way to use nicotine, visit lucy.co and be sure to use that promo code DRUNK. Hear, hear. Was there ever any temptation for that type of life for you? Was there ever a point where you were like, well, maybe I am my dad's kid, you know? No, I mean, I think after the fact, I would think that if I ever got to that point where I was really mad and I couldn't see out of my anger,

But like otherwise, no, because that's too far gone. You know what I mean? Like my mom did do a great job of like keeping me so far away from it until having to tell me at 18. Like it's like I wasn't allowed to watch The Godfather growing up. Like I didn't see that until I was like 30. Wow. Because she was – because that story is basically about a guy who's outside of things and then gets pulled into the business and then becomes – and he's kind of this like – You're Michael in that scenario. Yeah, exactly. Whoa.

Yeah. No, man, it took me until like a couple of years ago until like I watched The Sopranos because it's like I mean, they shot the last scene in my hometown. So it's like it's very real in some ways and real. I mean, real earth for my mom because she went through it real earth to me just because it's like the attachment is different. Like when I see Tony Soprano, I'm

I see my father and I can not separate that. And like in the lowest moments you go, Oh, this is hilarious. They're burying a body in the woods. These are characters. Yeah. But I go, that's my fucking dad.

So it's like so it's always been like heavier for me. And it's not to say I don't love the show. And I think the show is like done this amazing job with nuance with like these lives. But like that's part of the show is being like, hey, like I'm not saying you're wrong for thinking all this stuff is cool. I just can't agree with you until you know everything about me. That's really it.

Well said. Hear, hear. That's interesting. And it would be weird if you could just separate that. Totally. It'd be nuts if I was like, isn't it hilarious? It's like, that would be crazy if I was that detached. Do you know, and this is a little queefy here, but do you know how he died? You're fine.

Yeah, I mean, he was... Is that giving away too much? You preface that with, this is queefy? Wow. You're not exactly on fresh air here. This might be a little queefy. Do you know how your dad died? I don't know if this is too spicy or too dicey. What's the word? Third rail. I don't know the term here. What am I looking for? I don't know if this is too...

Provocative? I don't know. Personal? There you go. Personal's good. All right, personal. I like it. I like spicy, but old Sam the book reader has made us say personal. Yes. No, it's not at all. No, he was found in the trunk in Manhattan. Whoa. Well, he made it to the big city, at least. But...

Damn, the trunk. He's fine, man. Don't worry. That's so on the nose, you know? It's so mom. Yeah. Yeah, I am. Yeah, no, that...

Yeah, exactly. And it is pretty funny because sometimes people just guess it and then I just have to say yes. Do you know what I mean? Right, right. I'm like, what was he found in the trunk? And I'm like, how did you know? It's very awkward. I mean, that's horrible for your mother. I can't imagine. Were they on good or bad terms when this happened? They had just had me seven months ago. Damn.

And he did five years in prison. He did five years in prison, but he said a thing going into prison, which kind of made, like, my mom every time, you know, you get these little hints along the way of, like, the severity of what he's doing. But my mom, like I said, she knew him as this, like, very loving and warm person, and he was, you know? But before he went to prison, he was like, if you cheat on me while you're in there, I'll kill one of your sisters.

So it was like that was the moment where she was like... I've had women say that to me, though. Yeah, it's not a big deal. I've seen this at the Fab Club. But that was the moment for her when she was like, oh, I have to give up. You know what I mean? I have to give up on him. So at that point, I mean, they weren't on good terms, but it was still like, hey, man, this is her husband. And when you have a child, things do... That clouds you a little bit. So I'm sure she was like...

it probably was like a lot of ambivalence. And then, but like when this happens, it's so gruesome and horrific that it's like, no matter what you harken back to the moments when you like knew this person as like alive and bubbly and joyful and warm and all these other things. So it's like, yeah, it's like, I mean, so that the show really, her story drives the show. Like that's like not to get too technical, but it's like, that's the A plot. And then the B plot are the parallels in my life, which feed into her story.

Right. With like running themes behind it. But like really the show is about her. Like I purposely don't say his name. I mean, I don't say his name in the show for like obvious reasons, but I don't say his name because it's like I want people to take away that like this is this is my story about my relationship with my father and who he was, obviously. And that's why people are there. But at the end of the day, like this is her story and like the strengths she showed and everything that like she went through. Well, there you go.

Well, there you go. And she protected you from that life. Yeah, yeah. And this is one of her lines. She said when he died, it was a chance for us to escape their world. And she goes, we need to call the show The Great Escape. That's cute. I got a better one. Godfather 4. Yeah. Now, was there any attempt, and I'm sure your mom probably cock-blocked this, but was there any attempt for...

from the old boys out there to try to get you in. No, I don't think... I mean, I'm sure if they watch my clips, they'd be like, there's no chance with this guy. We've been hearing stuff about you knocking up as a third grader. Yeah, yeah. We could use you in this. We could use a young guy with your pep. Yeah, we need a Rudy.

No, man, I don't think so. I mean, I think it was so long ago. And like, I, you know, I some of them, we are friends like on social media and stuff. And like, you know, wait, what? You know, like younger family members and like they have families like they seem, you know what I mean? Like the point of the show is like not the point of the show is honestly to show him in a light of like, you think, you know, these people, but like they are like multifaceted.

Like, as we all are. But, like, my dad, because, like, for me, I was, when I learned that about, like, the trunk and the murder and, like, this and that, I was, like, I was ashamed of it, you

You know what I mean? Oh, really? Yeah. I mean, like, that's your father. You know what I mean? It's not entertainment. It's your dad. So it's very different. And then, you know, obviously, like you were saying, like these movies, like they hold so much for us in terms of like entertainment value. So people immediately would be like, that's so cool. Send me the bull, this or that. And I would like, it was hard because I was like, this is my dad. I feel very differently about this because it's so personal to me. Yeah. So the show to me is to like find a way to love my dad. Mm-hmm.

So by the end of it, it's like kind of an examination of like, what is a good person and what is a bad person and being like, he's all these things, but I choose to love him for these other things, even despite, you know, all this other stuff.

Wow. And, like, that's in all of us. You know what I mean? I said dooty-booty-dooty, Journey. I'm not a saint. You know what I mean? You're still a good person. I put shit in perspective because I'm ashamed of my dad for he wears socks with sandals. It upsets me. Black socks? What are you doing? Everybody's different. If this was E, that would be more of a crime. Yeah.

And that's it's so interesting. I mean, you did a great job on This American Life. Yeah. You did an episode about. Yeah. Your your grandma. Yes. That was about my grandma finding love in the nursing home. I mean, like this blind black guy, one leg that you meant. And like my grandma was someone who swore completely off love. Yeah.

My grandfather lived in the living room my whole childhood. Wow. She banished him to the living room. So there was like a lot there. And you thought he was the tenant. I thought he was the tenant. My whole family called him the tenant. No. Yeah. They joked around and they were like, that's the tenant. And when you're a kid, you just take everything your family says as face value. Yeah. So I was like, sure, the tenant. And then like, you know, when you have a friend come over for the first time, that's when you're like, things might be fucked up around here. Yeah.

So my friend John, he's looking around the room and he gets to this like there's a guy in the living room, no shirt on, sweatpants, eating a waffle. And he's like, who's that guy? And I was like, that's the tenant. And he was like, what's a tenant? And I was like, I don't really know what that is.

I asked my mom about it that night. She was like, that's not the tenant. That's your grandfather. Wow. And they just didn't think that they had to disclose that information. But for my mom, she was like, I was hoping you'd never ask because I didn't want you to know that's what could happen in a marriage. So he cheated on my grandmother in the 60s. She never forgave him. He wouldn't leave the house that was in his name. She wouldn't spend money on a divorce. So she just banished him to the living room, marked all the food in the fridge, not for John, except for the waffles.

And that was it. That's incredible. Yeah. There were never good times between them ever again? No, no, no. Dang.

Well, this is the other thing with him. So he died and he didn't just cheat on her. He had a whole other family in the Bronx. So I think I have like Puerto Rican cousins. I don't really know. So and this was the I just think it's so funny on his deathbed. And my mom found this out on his deathbed in the hospital. She went to go see him. And there was just like Puerto Rican woman on his bed. And my mom goes, are you his nurse? And she goes, I'm his wife. Oh.

And she goes, who are you? And my mom goes, I'm his daughter. Oh, shit. And my grandfather the whole time went, I don't know who she is. Wow. Just played complete ignorance. And then the funeral director walked in like, you know Jimmy Waffles? He's like, I don't know that guy. That is crazy. That's insane. He died. My grandmother opened a Coors Light, just drank it, smiled, and said, where do you want to celebrate? That's old school. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Damn. Old school.

Tough, tough, tough as nails. Tough. And some weird product placement for Coors Light. I have to get them in somehow. Not grandma. That's over. Damn. So, uh...

So your grandma met a guy in the nursing home who was much younger. Yes, it was a quarter her age. So I believe she she met him. She was 90 and he was 62. OK. And and my grandmother, too. I mean, like she didn't tell anyone from Jersey like, you know, her politics are racist.

And met him. First, honestly, I think the first black guy she ever talked to and was like, oh, I was wrong about everything. And then, like, I mean, retroactively. The geriatric Bronx tale. Yeah. Yeah, man. Retroactively claimed she voted for Obama. Yeah.

I was like, you're a registered Republican. It's not even possible. What's that, a 32-year age gap there? That doesn't fly. That's a lot different when you're 90 than when you're 40. Either way, it's gross. That's true. That's so funny. All these tech CEOs are pointing to that story. It's fine when they do it, though.

So that's crazy. And they just... They got married? They... No, the problem was they were going to get married, but it would have messed up their Medicaid stuff. So we couldn't have them married because it would mess up the paperwork to keep her in the nursing home because it was so expensive. So she's not an honest woman? Come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were all ashamed of her as a sinner. But so what happened to...

So we couldn't do it because of the paperwork. But then he was like, well, I, you know, Frank, her, you know, then fiance at the time was like, I want to get married. But he wasn't his own legal guardian. His brother was. His brother met my grandmother and went, you can't marry this woman. Which I always think is like so funny that it's like she's 90 years old and he's like, you could do better. Ah.

One leg. He's blind. And he was like, not her. Damn. Which I respected though. I mean, my grandma was a pill. I love her. There's so much here. Is this stuff going to be in, this will be in the one man show too? So this stuff is in the one man show. And that's what I mean. It's like a lot of these like bridge stories that are like piggybacking off one another. And like, that's been a hard part too. Cause like, I can't really pull elements. Cause it's,

It's so long and it's pretty self-contained to pull elements of this to do in a club set. It doesn't make a lot of sense. It's a lot to throw at an audience. It's too much, and I get that. Yeah, but that does suck. Yeah, so I have to do it in its entirety. That's the only way I can work on it is doing it in its entirety. Well, New York comedy, you're following like bam, bam, bam. You're following just people playing the hits. It's very hard to find out.

To like figure out a story. Yes, it is. A story with such depth and characters. Yeah. I'll be at a bar and people are like, do you do that on stage? I'll be telling some crazy story. And I'm like, no, no. And they're like, why not? I'm like, it bombs. People hate it. They're bored. Well, you, you,

You're on the road enough that you could figure that stuff out, I think. Probably. I think it's just tough to figure it out in the city. That's when it's like. Yes. So true. There's short spots and the rhythm of everybody's sets are short because the spots are short. And like, I mean, New York is like, man, it's an impatient town. Oh, yeah. You know, so like the audience are so the audiences are so savvy for comedy right away. And also like they know the pace of it.

If you don't have a joke every second, you're toast. It's not just the jokes. It's ordering a sandwich. If you're beating around the bush, the guy's like, get to it. Even walking. You ever have a guy stop to read a plaque? You're like, what the fuck, man? Go back to Iowa. The guy's like, I grew up in Brooklyn. Keep it moving, you hayseed. Well, that's the thing. Everybody here is mad at whoever they see because that's potential space they no longer have.

So it's like everybody they see, they're like, you're what's keeping me from shopping at Trader Joe's on a Saturday.

If you weren't here, I could do that. So I'm furious at you. I had this today and I'm not trying to sound like a choo-choo here, but I'm walking to the train to come here and I'm kind of hustling. I'm kind of hustling. And a homeless guy goes, can I get some change? And I go, ah, fuck it. And I pull, I go for the change and I pull it out. My keys come out. The keys hit the ground. I dropped the change. So now me and the hobo are doing the whole change dance. I'm like trying to help him pick it up. I go, all right, you're on your own. I leave. I see the train go by and I'm like, if I hadn't helped

that hobo I would have caught that train and so I'm done with hobos no more money for you but that's how the city is it warps it warps whatever humanity you had just because like everything's laid everything oh man Mark jumps back over the turnstiles starts fucking wailing on the guy that's what you get give me that nickel back

He misses another train. He's like, fuck, if I didn't beat the shit out of him. People watching are like, oh, marital dispute. Everyone's like so progressive.

Yeah, dude. I mean, I can't wait to see this show. I think it's going to be amazing. And you have an album of different stuff coming out and a special. Wow. When's the special out next week? I have a stand-up special that's out May 26 on my YouTube page. So whoever's listening to this, for the love of God, subscribe to my YouTube channel. We love Anthony. Because I got nobody. He's great.

You know, we're joke snobs. We love him. Dream Occupation, another great album. He's in Half Hour Specials. He's seen them on Colbert. Follow his Instagram. You'll see the clips and everything. You really got to get on it. Twitter's great, too. A lot of jokes. The clips are great. Yeah, that's you guys, man. Out of the pandemic, I just saw that you guys have fans now.

And it was a lot, in fact, due to the clips. I mean, I fought it for years because I was like, this is anti-con, whatever I thought, whatever my precious head that I thought. But now I see it as like, no, it's kind of the way. It's another job. It's another job, but it's worth it after I saw sort of what you guys have with it. So it's a lot due to you guys. And we write a lot of jokes, all three of us. So we have a backlog. So now we have shit to post where I don't know if everyone has that backlog. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's made for us. I mean, it's perfect for us. It really is. But it is a bitch to do it. Do you have any peeves? I know it's weird to go from all this heavy stuff to just like light peeve. It's maybe a way to... No. Murdering fathers is really a thing. No. Yeah, no. I thought of something. I'm just trying to remember it now. It had something to do with like tech people or like corporations. Yeah.

Hang on. You don't mind if I look at my phone first? No, no. Look at the phone. You got anything? Well, I just want to relate because I have a fucked up childhood and people always go, you got to talk about it. But maybe a one person show or whatever you're calling it. That might be great for you. I got a transvestite nanny growing up, like a big black guy in a wig, a cross-dressing nanny.

Yeah, way ahead of your time. Yes. I mean, that's wild. In New Orleans in the 90s and the house with the robberies and the dilapidated. So I'm like, this is inspiring to me. Yeah. I mean, also, too, it is good in general to be like,

Cause you know, you know, your voice as you do comedy. So, you know, like not to say you become a whatever, but like, you know how you're going to do stuff. You know what I mean? So to do something that's so out of the realm of what you normally do, it's possible that you actually grow as a standup from it. I don't know that I'm seeing any of that growth just yet, but I'm like optimistic. No, I completely agree. Yeah. You're it's like Bill Burr says, if you can't go left, go left, you don't learn it. Right. Figure it out. Yeah. Great Tony V quote. Uh,

years ago I think it might have been Bill Burr I don't know Tony V's like this Boston legend guy killer comic older guy and Bill Burr goes Tony you know he's like a year in he's like you know I love doing comedy I love writing jokes but I hate this network shit I hate the glad handing and all that I don't know how to do that shit and Tony just goes get good at it

And that was it. And he's like, oh, yeah. You can't just like, I don't like this, so I'm not doing it. It's like, no, do it. Blunt is right. I remember I saw a comic complain to a tell once about like not...

it's like, oh, it's not working for me. And IntelliJ goes, get funnier. Yeah. Not in a way like you're not funny. It was a comic he likes a lot, but IntelliJ being like, what else is there to do? Yeah. It was kind of like, doesn't get any blunter or realer than that. Yeah, I don't mind. Wow. I don't mind that at all because it's like, well, worst comes to worst, you just get great at this thing. You know what I mean? Instead of blaming a bunch of stuff. Oh, my God. Worst case scenario, you don't get all the things you want, but you became great at this thing. Yes. So fine. That's definitely not the worst case scenario. Yeah.

But you know what I mean? Or like dead in a gutter, sure. But you understand what I'm saying. I know what you mean. Yeah. How much of that Facebook shit do you see of like this guy and that guy and that guy? And you're like, yeah, but you still suck. At the end of the day, even if we gave everything to you, you would still bomb. Right. So get better. And I think that's better too as just like a mindset as a comic. You know what I mean? Yeah. I don't know how you guys are, but like I work better when I –

have like a healthy chip on my shoulder or I position myself as like the underdog. Do you know what I mean? Sure. So if I can say to myself, oh, I just need to get funnier, not in a desperate way, but just in a way that's like...

Oh, that'll make me work harder. That's always better. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I know a comic. He's pretty funny. He's pretty good. We all know him. But every show he gets off stage and goes, the crowd's a little whatever. The crowd's not great. They're a little tight. They're a little weird. And then other people will kill. And you're like, you got to start internalizing this. You got to stop just every time you're going to blame the crowd if they're not amazing. Yeah. Come on.

Yeah, and it's like, even if that's real. There is that. I'm not saying there's not bad grounds, but every time. But even if that's real, it's like, oh man, it's better if you go, oh, I'll be better than they are bad. Exactly. That's a dude or woman who's scared of success who does that. Say it again? That's someone who's scared of success. Oh, yeah, yeah. I think. Because you can't just be like, they're good. Right. You're blaming them, which means I think you're

You're not dealing with other shit. Interesting. When you're blaming the audience. Yeah. Well, he's not successful, so he's doing great. Yeah. It's like we all do it in the heat of the moment because it's like a visceral reaction. But it's like, yeah, that's so much better if you go, oh, yeah, it doesn't matter who they are or what they are. I'll figure something out to get something out of them.

Totally, totally. You know, it's easier said than done, obviously. Yeah, it is. It hurts, but you got to do it. But man, my pet peeve. Oh, did you find it? Yeah. Okay. It just says coffee snobs. I know what this is. Coffee snobs. Coffee snobs. Come on. What are we talking here? I get so intimidated because I was like, but these like coffee shops, I think what it is is like,

they have so much coffee stuff around them that I'm like, oh, they know so much about coffee, so whatever I order, they're judging my order. And they make me feel stupid. But I think this is probably more just my own projection. But I think everything I say, if I'm like, I'll take a red-eye, they're like, you would. Yeah.

Yeah. Just snobs in general. Yeah. And I think it's because they have, they have so like, you know, they, and it could all be for show those like Chemex things and like all the like the bullshit that they have. But like, but I go, these are experts and I feel like such a novice and it's just a drink.

It's so dumb. It makes you so angry. I feel the same way. You know what bugs me more than that is them thinking that I think I know what I'm talking about when they can tell I can't. So my opener is always like, I don't know shit. Right. Whatever you reckon. Same with wine. I'm like, I don't know shit. Yeah, yes. But whatever you think. Although I will take chances on that. We did a few episodes with the natural wine, and it's funky, and it's weird. It's great. It's fun to get drunk on.

I like that natural shit. Yeah, are you guys developing more of a palate? I wouldn't say that. I didn't mean to give you any indication that we're not trash. No, I mean, I like... Sam Mollier? Yay! Could be a shirt. Episode time. That's my DJ name. But...

No, I do like getting drunk on wine. It's kind of fun. It's a different drunk. Yeah, it's great. Whiskey is like a more intense. Tequila is a little more of like, but wine, you're just silly. Loose. You're loose and silly and you might slip. It's funny. It's weird. I'll dance. I'll

The floor seems wet. Yeah. It's a good time. You're loosey-goosey. Totally, man. I like how you're like, did you guys get your palate better? I'm like, we're drinking rum and Cokes. It's going to be a more basic drink.

But yeah, I think there's some stuff, I guess. I think rum and Coke was drunk. Like a lot of adults drank rum and Cokes around me. So I associate that with like, that's an adult drink, even though it's like, you know, it's for real estate agents who aren't doing well. Yeah. But in my head, I'll never stop that. Like little kid brain of like, this is what the sophisticated adults drink a rum and Coke. I,

I can't take rum seriously. To me, rum is like beachy, pina colada-y. Totally. But yeah, I just never touch rum, really. It's not for me, although I think Hemingway was a big rum guy. I think he was a big everything guy. But he was also a, he was like on the beach guy.

He was like Key West and Jamaica, Cuba. He was like a linen guy. You know what I mean? Yes. He could wear one of those straw hats and you kind of wouldn't question it. You know those guys where you're like, anybody else I would think is a douche. But for you, I feel like you're important. Yeah.

I feel like good rum, though, is the shit. I feel like if you have really good rum and it's just like on the rocks. Oh, yeah. But I just don't know enough about it. Yeah, I would never do rum on the rock. But yeah. The romance of rum I like. The fact that it's like a pirate drink. You know what I mean? I love that. And I can fool myself for one sip, you know, with going like, this is what you drink on a wooden boat. But after two sips, I'm like, I hate this. Yeah.

Then you break it down and you're like, what's worse than being drunk at sea? It's true. You're just nauseous. You feel like shit. You're going to deal with pirates. Maybe that's why they're so angry. Maybe you could trace it back to the rum. Maybe if you eliminated the rum, you wouldn't swindle so much. You'd get a real drop on land. That's the bar fight of the sea is you're just getting hijacked.

Yes. That sucks. Oh, absolutely. Good point. I can't have that dismount and mounting onto a ship had to be such an uncomfortable part of the robbery. Do you know what I mean? None of it's swift. No, no. It's clunky. They make it look swift with the swinging off the whatever. You land on it and you got the sword in your mouth, you know, or you go down the curtain, you know, with the sword or the sail. That's a fun one. I'd fuck it up so hard I'd be bleeding from my lips. Yeah. This guy sucks. Yeah, reality, you have like one leg over the ship. It's like they're helping you on. Fuck.

It's very... It's like lumbered. You know why they do the eye patch? Why? It's not an eye missing. It's depth perception. Because when you sail, you got to know the bow and the starboard and all this shit. So they...

It helps them. Ah. They actually have a working eye. Wow. It's just something with nautical bullshit. I'll tell you what it doesn't help with, though. If someone tries to punch you from the right. Yeah. Like, man, that eye patch really sucks. You are sacrificing that. Yeah. You're going to get a lot of right hooks. Oh, sorry. Oh, no. Go ahead. Well, the plank I never got either. Sure. Because it's like this six-foot...

wooden beam that they push you out on. You know, this guy's handcuffed or whatever and they go, ah, and then you jump. Like, you could just push him over. Like, why do we need the plank aspect? I don't know. I guess it's anticipation. That's their entertainment. I guess so, yeah. That's the life of a pirate. What they find entertaining is killing a man.

Right. You know what I mean? It's just like, write a story. Have a journal. Instead, they're like, you know what we find fun? If we eliminate Mark in the open sea. Well, they also said manatee. You get so crazy out there. It's sunshine, rum. I know exactly where you're headed. Manatee. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mermaid. Yep.

That's how horny they were. They banged these manatees. Looking pretty good. Yeah. How nuts is that? Yeah. That's beyond prison gay. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. Manatee sexual? Oh, yeah. That's a whole other thing of isolation. Yeah. It ain't womanatee. I mean, animal sex is definitely worse than prison sex. Look up. Maybe the eye patch was the sunlight. You go to the bottom deck and it's dark. It was something with eye adjustment. Give that a gook.

No, that makes sense. I don't want to get that wrong. I have a bunch of pirates come at me. Well, sure. Today's pirates. Yeah. Very less festive. Yes. Yes. A lot of cargo. Less communal singing. Oh, below deck. Okay. There you go. Yeah. Less yo-ho-ho and all that shit. Less parrots for sure. Those parrots. Yeah. The poor parrot that got wrangled in with these criminals. I know. He didn't want this life. No. Yeah.

You're a colorful bird. Yeah. Why not get a street pigeon? Those things already, they look like the criminals of the bird world. That's true. Great. One time, I think I've said this on the pod, but Will Silvins was, like, annoying Dave Attell, like, from the crowd, like, trying to get some attention. And, you know, Will's this short, skinny black guy with a big beard. And Dave Attell goes, easy, Captain Phillips. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Gets me every time. You know what it is, man? He's so fast and his voice is so silly, you don't have a chance to be hurt. Do you know what I mean? No chance. Dude, Dave Chappelle, he called- Atel. Sorry. Big difference. Big difference. Atel, once he said he called hummus, peanut butter.

Oh, man. It made me laugh so hard. I remember that, too. I lost it. Oh, man. It's so funny. It's the best. I'm just going to do a nip. Do a nip. All this pirate talk is getting me a little thirsty. Oh, yeah. By the way, I know we're talking about rum. This is whiskey, not rum. Oh, shit. You're right. We got rum last week as a gift on a Patreon. Oh, yeah. Whiskey Coke. Elijah Craig is whiskey. Yeah. Good stuff. Good whiskey. Do you guys have your bottle of booze coming out yet, or is that something we can't? I mean, this is a pre-

We're backlogging episodes here. I see. Because we're going away. But, I mean, hopefully it's out by now. Yeah, that's the dream. Maybe we'll do a promo before an episode or something if it comes out. Pretty cool, man. I'm fucking pumped. I can't wait for that. Can't wait. I just love the idea of having our own booze. We're in the spirits game, dude. Yes. You guys are in the spirits game. Are you going to do... It'd be fun if you did a mock commercial kind of for it. Oh, yeah. We're doing that. Like a DeSarono parody. Yes. I like that.

Can't be too silly. People need to know we actually have a whiskey. If we go too silly, they're going to be like, well, this is a joke. You get Simon Rex in there, people aren't going to know it's a joke.

That's not bad. Let's do it, dude. Yeah, that would be fun, man. Like those old school, like DeSarono, like Chivas Regal. You know when alcohol commercials blur the lines of cologne commercials? This is like an art film. It's so dramatic. I got an idea. We go real dramatic, real artsy, and then we pull back and we're driving. So we're drinking and driving. That's great. That's good.

All right. That's really funny, dude. But you can't put that on TV. And then it's just, the car just jumps off a fucking bridge and crashes and explodes. They show that Tesla footage, you know, with that big jump that he did. Hell yeah. We plug where you're going to be. Oh, man. Yeah. Thanks for bringing updates. Ah,

Ah, man. Oh, I'll be at Moon Tower. That's pretty good. Oh, I'll see you there. This is coming up in May. I mean, honestly, the thing I really want to plug is May 26th, my special will be dropping on my YouTube page called Brain Noise, a stand-up special. Please follow, subscribe to me on YouTube and follow me on Instagram at Comedian Anthony DeVito. Hell yeah. TikTok as well. Thank you.

It's going to be great. Are you opening for Ari at the KC Improv? And I'm opening for Ari at the Kansas City Improv. Good club. May 21st and 22nd. That should be a lot of fun. Harbor Square Theater.

Oh, yeah, and I'm doing the one-man show in D.C. at the Comedy Loft on June 8th. Man, I always forget. You know, in the moment, I get flustered, and then, you know, yeah, I get... All right, boy, you're going to blow Ari off the stage, huh? No, man. Just kidding, Ari. He's getting old. We got Albany, Nashville, and I've already been to Nashville, Toronto,

Rhode Island, special taping in Chicago, Tampa, Cleveland, Houston, West Palm, Buffalo, San Jose, all over that shit. Samorel.com slash shows. Hell yeah. San Jose, that's a big room.

When am I in Chicago? Am I touching up on your date there at all? Okay, just checking. This weekend I'm at Bricktown Comedy Club in Oklahoma City. Good room. Then I'm at San Jose. I think canceled. Sorry. Stand-up live in Huntsville, Alabama. Pantages Theater in Minneapolis. Chicago, June 17th. All right, that gives us a little buffer. One week. One week.

Doing the Burt shows. Look up FullyLoadedFest.com, I believe it is. And then Irvine Improv. I need you to come out. That's a big room as well. Red Bank, New Jersey. DeVito's home state. Hell yeah, man. Houston Improv. That's a big room. Laugh Out Loud in San Antonio. MarkNormanComedy.com. Check out the show, the website, the Patreon.

Get on the Patreon. Patreon.com slash WeMightBeDrunkPod. Merch at WeMightBeDrunkPod.com. Shout out to Gotham Studios. Matt, you're saving us every week. And to, of course, WeMightBeDrunkPod at gmail.com. Email us. Rex, drinks, jokes, peeves, whatever you want. Whatever you got. Yeah. And check out Anthony. He's one of the New York greats. We love him.

I'm going to that one man. Oh, for sure. Yeah, let us know when we should come, but I can't wait to see it. What's the room? It's incredible, the story. I'll be doing it in D.C. at the Comedy Loft. Oh, I'm doing a QED in Queens. Oh, there you go. I forgot. April 29th. Come to QED in Queens. Get him a Manhattan date. I'll be there. QED, yeah. It's going to be great. We love you. We love you, Tony the third grader. Definitely go. Definitely go.

Definitely go see his show. He's a great comic, and it's going to be a great show. Yeah, hell yeah. That sounds like a movie if you ask me. We'll see, man. We just had Judd Apatow on, so if Judd is... Judd, if you're listening... Oh, Judd, that coward. All right, thank you, guys. Thank you. Sunday's the day for my neck. Fenders close. And Norman's talking shit on the post. And I'm in the same way. Up on the roof like a cop's car.

Feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here at noon. This woman doesn't look like I remember her. We need truth.