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Hey, hey, folks. Here we are. We might be drunk. You know where it is. You know what it is. We got a couple of tequila sodas, and it's just us today, boys. No Salicus.
Salakius has something with his dumb kid. I don't know, school. Who can keep up? Pussy. Yeah, right? Good to be here, though. Good to see you, man. I saw you briefly last night. Yeah, that's right. We went and saw Ronan's taping at the VU. Killer. Ronan Hirschberg, look out for it coming out soon. Crushed it. Crushed it. It was fun. It's fun to watch because we were in that mix. I guess we're still in that mix. Yeah. But this is his first YouTube video.
And so he was like jazzed up. He was nervous. He was pacing. It was great. Yeah, I went to the early show. It's good to see someone crush a special and then they're just kind of like done. Yes. I mean, not done, but like he had one of the cans. Like you got it. Oh, yeah. And I heard the second. We were at the first one, but I heard the second one. I went and saw like 20 minutes of it and it was even hotter. So it's going to be great. Going to be great, man. Great jokes. We got packages. Two people keep sending us stuff at Gotham. We forget to open all of them on...
On the Patreon. So should I open this? Yeah, that's a big boy you got there. Holy. Oh my God. It's more popcorn. This is called Cuse Corn, like Syracuse's orange and blue. Ah. Orange and blueberry white chocolate. Dude, this shit is so good. You could call it Cuse Corn, like Salacuse. That's true. Cheddar. Oh yeah. Classic. The amount of popcorn they send. Wow, that's a lot of cheddar.
This is Nav's Popcorn in Thousand Islands, New York. Hard Island peanut butter and milk chocolate. That's my number one right there. Classic, just buttered. Oh, classic's good too. I'm going to have one bite of this and then kill myself. Sour Patch. I got to try it. Try it. Sour Patch. Try it. Try it. I don't know what I'm chanting. I can just try it. Let's see. Holy hell.
Oh, peanut butter, milk chocolate. Not my favorite. All right. It's a little too, I don't know why, yeah, it's like weird. Yeah. I'm not a big sourpuss guy anyway. You're not? Eh, I have one. I'm good. These flavors, kettle milk chocolate, New York mix, caramel and white cheddar, because we're gentrified here in New York, baby. You got that right. Diversity. I mean, this is so much. So good. Caramel. Wow. Wow.
Don't know what this is. This looks like another caramel. This is good. What a great gift. I'm sending this shit to my dad. Fireball? Oh, boy. You're going to shit blood with that one. I want Jager Bomb. What else? Kettle. Yeah, I mean, this is crazy. Well, these guys make great popcorn. The only one I don't like is the Sour Patch. Yeah. Love the pod. Enjoy some popcorn next time you're enjoying a movie. Had fun hosting for Mark a few months back.
I enjoyed working with you guys back at Carolina. Oh, Caroline, sorry. Hit me up if you ever need a host or feature when you're upstate. Brian Eng. Thank you so much, Brian. This is amazing. It really is great popcorn. It is. All right, Brian. I'm going to try the New York mix. Yeah. Fuck yeah, dude. Popcorn during a movie. That is like... Oh, unbeatable. You know, pull this up there, Chachi. I heard there's this thing. Now, when you smell popcorn popping in the distance in a microwave, what do you think?
I don't know what I want to say. Well, like, is it good or bad? It's great. It's great. Every American says it's great. But in Europe, they smell popcorn popping and it's gross. I don't know what it is. Like the upbringing, the diet. It's kind of like cilantro. It goes either way. Is that true? Yeah, I'm telling you. European smell popcorn. They hate it. Yeah, this is amazing. It's one of those weird little phenomenon things.
Yeah, I love popcorn. Oh, I grew up eating my dad ate popcorn every day. I feel like it's not as bad for you as a lot of the others. I mean, obviously this stuff's not great for you. Well, yeah. I love the buttered popcorn, but dude, I feel like horrible after it. Oh, yeah. It's like having sex without a condom. Right. You're just like, what have I done to myself? Yeah. But it was good while it lasted. And you look at your fingers. Yeah.
Oh, that's good. Taste that down, a little tequila. Yeah, I need some coffee first. Oh, yeah. There you go. These early afternoon episodes are taking a toll, my friend. Yeah, well, the funny thing about coffee is you got a stimulant and then you got a depressant. Yeah. You know, we're just putting all these... I end up back in the middle. There you go. Yeah. It's tough on the body. Oh, my God. It really is. Tequila, they say, is an upper. We've been...
I hope to believe that, but hey, man, thank you so much for sending this popcorn. Nothing? Oh, maybe I made that up. You were in Indianapolis. Yeah. How was it? I tell you, that's a boring town. It really is. You know, they're all about the cults and whatnot, but nice people.
Great comedy crowds. Good comedy crowds. So we sold out a couple of them. I had a great... I had Umar. I had Sean Murphy. We just had one of those hangs where you're like, we don't even need the town. We sat in the green room for like eight hours after the show. We're drunk. We're high. We're full. We ate all these chicken wings and whatnot. We're like kids. Umar fell asleep on the floor. I love it. You know, he's like... You peed your pants. I pissed my pants. I woke up blowing Sean Murphy. And...
We're like, we should probably get out of here because, you know, there's probably some poor staff member waiting for us. We leave. We walk out of the green room. It's all dark. The alarm goes off. They forgot we were back there. Oh, man. That's how long we hung out. The alarm. We go, what the fuck? We're in a dark club alone at like four in the morning. And we just ran home. We just ran to our hotel.
Yeah, I remember in Indianapolis, I was there once years ago. There's a lot of violence in downtown Indianapolis. Oh, yeah. They like to brag. It's funny. They love to brag. They're like, more murders per capita than Chicago. I'm like, yeah, that's not a good thing. I know why you're telling me that with a smile on your face. I remember going to the hotel and it was blocked off. And I kind of was like, why is it blocked off? And the cop was like, some kids were shooting around. I'm like, yeah, that's not. Shooting around. That's basketball. That's not guns, dude. That's not how you describe murder. Right.
That's true. Shooting around like a game, like Cowboys and Indians. They have Morton's Steakhouse. Not Morton's. What's the famous... St. Elmo's. St. Elmo's. I went there. That steak is pretty crazy. I think it's from 1902. That's a bomb-ass steak. Great steak. That's a good classic old-timey. You get your scotch and your steak. You get your martini and your steak. It's...
It's old school. Old school, right downtown too, right? In all the business centers. And I love... You know the story of Ruth's Chris? No. Pull this up again. Oh yeah, you told me this, but I forgot it. Tell me again. Maybe I told you earlier. Because we do a podcast where we drink. This was... This is what I... We like a lot of strong female lead shit now. If I was making a movie and I needed a female story, I would do this story. This lady, Ruth...
Her husband, Chris, left her and her three kids alone. So she had to make it on her own. She was cooking steaks on a hot plate. It got so popular because she cooked a hell of a steak. She named it Ruth's Chris. Like, I own you, motherfucker. Wow. You left me high and dry. And it just built and built. It became like a New Orleans staple. And then she started a chain. Now she's a zillionaire. I will say...
I get the name now, but not knowing that story, it's a pretty dumb name. Horrible name. I hate saying it. I do too. Ruth, Chris. I can't even say it. It's too much. Ruth. It's like a tongue twister. I'm with you, man. It is a nightmare. Ruth, Chris. I guess you could say it, but it's like-
Yeah. You just say it fast. Yeah, New Orleans, 65. Steakhouse for sale, 18 grand. North Broad and Earthline, which is now a horrific neighborhood, but it's still there. It's a good steak, too. It is. It's expensive. Mm-hmm. But fun story. Yeah, it's a good story. Yeah. But yeah, Indy. Crowds came out, but it was cool. Chris D. was at some theater. Yeah.
uh goldman was at a different theater i'm at the club it was like a real comedy weekend so chris d came by we hung out he's sober now so he he said hello well he's trying wow yeah he's going for it i think he's 20 days in good for him yeah so he came by and that's tough made jokes about fauci and then he left and uh yeah we just had a great time so bright man anyone trying to be sober respect it ain't easy
No. Especially, you know the hardest part about being sober is still going and doing shit. Yes. Being around people sober, that ain't easy. No, it's tough, especially at nighttime. I remember telling my therapist once, like, man, it's hard to be around people sober. He's like, yeah, you got to work on that. Like, that's...
That's hard. Yeah. He's like, you can't just say, you can't just, he's like, that's on you to connect with people. I'm like, well, some people are tough. Yeah, of course. But he's right. I mean, we're social creatures and all that, but like, all we do is hang out at bars, comedy clubs, nightlife. So like. But we're introverts and that's why we drink. Exactly. Because we don't, I don't think we like it naturally. Nah.
I like to be home. I don't like to do anything. No. I had a weekly poker game when I was in college with literally 15 guys who played poker. I would get blacked out every time, and all my friends were like, what are you doing? You've got to get it together. You can't even play a game of poker without yakking. And I'm like, I'm sitting there with 20 guys or 15 guys for five hours. I'm freaking out. Yeah, your friend loses 15 grand. He looks at you. He's like, you have a problem. Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Poker is really, I have a friend who used to, you know that degenerate friend who would just show up, like he would text me the fucking, the Minnesota Lynx loss. I'm like, you're betting on the WNBA? You've got a problem, dude. That's true. He was the type of dude, I grew up with him. Phil's met him a few times. Phil Hanley's met him. He's a character, but he's a degenerate gambler. He's really funny. He's a funny guy.
Gamblers are funny. They are because they're very self-deprecating. They're very cynical. Yep, and they take risks. That's a wreck. Hang out with self-deprecating people because they'll make you laugh. Oh, yeah. Nothing worse than insecure people who are just kind of braggarts. Oh, that's a bad move. It's weird. A lot of people will consider someone cool, and they're so clearly insecure. I know.
I know. Isn't that weird? That's interesting. Where they're like, man, that guy's cool. I'm like, that dude hates himself. He just doesn't know it yet. Yes, exactly. If he was more self-aware, he'd realize how much he hated himself. Then he'd be cool. Yes. Hear, hear. They act hip and cool all the time. And you're like, dude, I can tell you're a nerd. I can tell you're at home practicing this shit, looking in the mirror, putting on outfits and jewelry and all this horse shit.
Just hang. But I get it. This dude's hilarious. Like he didn't know how. I remember he texted me once. He was like, it was years ago. He's like, man, I just woke up next to a hooker and a crack pipe. And I was like, dude, that's horrible. You got to get help. He goes, what? I'm being self-deprecating. I was like, that's not self-deprecating. That's like a cry for help.
Yeah. Self-deprecating. But he was a funny dude. I mean, I remember he just showed up at a gig. I was at Atlantic City and I'm just, I come out of the show, a gig I got stiffed on, by the way. I was there for like five or six days. Damn.
AC? Yeah. The guy disappeared. Tropicana. Oh, boy. He owes people way more money than me, though. I've heard multiple people talk about this guy. Yeah. He's notorious. If there's any justice, he's in a car about to get whacked right now. I think he was on the subway this morning, if that helps. You just wish you had a friend.
I just wish he had a friend like Furio to show up. Yes. Put a beat down on him. Hell yeah. Two best gamblers are Artie Lang and Norm MacDonald, two hilarious guys. Well, Artie had the best stories. I remember Artie had that bit about how he's like, you want to make a game exciting, put $1,000 in the Giants when you got $500 in the check-in. Ha!
He's like, you're going to care about that game. Oh, yeah. But that's a rush. I mean, that's like something where you're like, oh, that's a problem. It's funny. My friend will lose all this money and then he'll just say shit like, ah, no regrets. And I'm like, no regrets? It's not a relationship. You just lost money. Yeah. I don't get it. I get the high and I get the, ooh, baby, the hope and the feeling and the blood pumping. But-
When you lose 500K, it's gone. Like I read Norm's book and he talked about losing like, I don't know, $700,000, which is all the money he had. Wow. That's a lot of money to lose. Yeah. He's like, I walked out to the ocean and I was like, I feel clean. Now I'm going to go make more money, but I feel clean. I got it. I'm like, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Insane. You could have donated that to a charity.
That's right. And still felt... You would have felt cleaner. Yeah. That's clean. There's no rush. You don't write that children's hospital check like, woo, baby. There's no fun on that. I remember when he... Norm, I think he made it to the finals of...
who wants to be a millionaire. And he bailed on, he bailed on the last one cause it wasn't his money. And you're like, Oh, that's a good dude. If it was his money, he would have gone for it in one at all. Yeah. Cause he was right. He was right. That's such a great episode. I've stolen a joke. He does that, uh, just in conversation where, uh,
One of the facts comes up, one of the questions, and Regis goes, oh, you know, the guitar was actually invented, blah, blah. And Norm goes, well, it's very uninteresting. It's the simplest sentence, but it's so funny because no one talked like that on that show. It was great. It's very uninteresting. And he's like, hmm, that's very uninteresting. Insulting someone that bluntly.
And also that, like, in a polite manner is such a great way to insult someone. So good. So good. Norm was cool as a cute. He was like Burt Reynolds. He was chewing gum, and it's like, da-da-da-da-da-da. The lights go down and everything, and he was so great. He was a cool, handsome guy. I know. He was everything comics aren't. Like, he was religious. He was, I think, pretty conservative. He was funny as hell, cool, laid back. He didn't self-deprecate. I mean, he was different. Yeah. Yeah.
But he would self-deprecate. I mean, it wasn't like I'm a loser, but he would... Yeah, I mean, he was...
I mean, I remember when he got fired. I mean, he read the situation as it was. I remember he got fired from Weekend Update. He was very self-deprecating on Letterman's couch. On the couch. Yeah. Yeah, on the panel. Well, he had an interesting way of doing it because Don Ulmeier was like, you're not funny. And Norm's, you think he's going to go, fuck you, I am funny. But Norm goes, I'm not? That's horrible. Oh, that's why he's a genius. He spun it. Yeah.
He's like, damn, I'm in this comedy business. I'm ruined. I'm not funny? I had no idea. So sarcastic. Yeah. But sarcasm is kind of a form of self-deprecation. That's true. I mean...
Yeah, it was great. The gambling thing is so crazy to me. Like Michael Jordan, degenerate gambler. Oh, yeah. It's crazy. I guess with him, it doesn't really matter because he's just never going to stop printing money. True. But it's definitely a disease. Like he would be playing golf and they would gamble like who would get their drink first. Like he couldn't stop. With MJ. Yeah. Yeah.
That's hilarious. Like little things. Let's bet on who can... Let's bet on what bird chirps quickest. There's like three birds. It was crazy shit where you're like, dude, we're betting on birds now? It's bananas. That is a sickness. It's weird to be... Competitiveness, I understand. Like Jordan...
best basketball player ever competitive as fuck worked honed his craft and then you're doing something that's just random yeah you have the same competitive fire over over like i get my i bet my drink comes first and you're like that's just it makes no sense to me it makes no sense but that's the disease you know we i need more what else what else you know let's put on this let's put on that you're like dude relax we played 18 rolls of golf you're playing in a game tomorrow on the on the court we got competition you're good
Yeah. But it couldn't stop. Yeah. It's like golf I get because that's the same thing. But over nothing, a lot of young players went broke hanging out with Jordan. Wow. Well, it's like imagine you're hanging out with like your comedy hero. Yeah. And then he's like, Mark, uh.
I bet I have a better set than you, and I'm going to put 125K on it. And you're like, well, I want to keep hanging out with him. That's true. That's true. Remember the last dance? He's literally throwing quarters against the wall with the security guard, like in the back. You got a game coming up. You should be stretching or something, and you're throwing fucking nickels at the wall. It's such a different type of dude than I am. It's so funny. I don't have that at all, and I'm glad I don't.
I'm glad. It doesn't seem peaceful. I go to a casino with my friend from growing up. Mike was like the big casino guy. And he's like, ding, ding, ding. He's like, you hear all that? That's money. That sounds like money. I'm like, to me, that sounds like losing money. You know, the big wheels spinning, the lights. You hear all that? Yeah, he was a nut. I mean, he's doing all right now, but he was real game. I'm all right now, but last week I was in rough shape, I'll tell you.
that's what this dude was like he wouldn't care when he lost you live by the sword you die by the sword I'm like I think you live by a woman with an oxygen tank and you die by a woman with an oxygen tank I don't think this is the sword exactly I think you've got a gambling addiction I mean
You do play it, though, and you get why people like poker's fun. Poker's awesome. Blackjack's fun. It's camaraderie. It's social. Yeah, blackjack's cool. It's like, here we go. What's going to happen? But those machines, I mean, that's just sad. That one I don't get because that one just seems so clearly rigged. And I'm not slot shaming, but I'm just saying. It's so rigged. You've got to sit there for three days if you want to win $20. Yeah.
Yeah, it's like, it just feels like, it's literally like you're flushing your money. Like that's what that action feels like. It's like a flush. There should be a toilet going...
Yep, exactly. And then just to get some kind of win, you just chug drinks because you're like, I got to get something out of this. And now I'm hammered and losing money. The free booze. Yeah. Yeah, that really cushions the blow when you lose five grand. You're like, well, I had four cranberry vodkas. I showed them. I know. Those cocktail waitresses must clean up because I'm just tipping like crazy because it's free. So I'm like, here's a five. Here's eight. Here's six. Yeah.
But yeah, I'm losing money. You're right. And when you lose, I mean, that's the thing. When you're winning, you really ride that wave. Like you really are like you're generous. And when you're losing, you're like, well, fuck it. What's money? I lost it anyway. You know? Yeah. They really take the power out of money. I was with a friend recently and he just, you know, over the weekend, he just, he won a bunch of money in poker and he's like, fuck, it drinks on me. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. But that, I'm like, no, because. Yep.
If you lost, you know, you wouldn't be, you know. Yeah. You wouldn't just be like, you're covering the whole night. Right. Exactly. And then it's a weird thing where they give you stuff if you win. Remember that blew my mind the first time I saw like, we're going to give you the sweet and the breakfast and the buffet for free because you're winning. And then somebody told me, yeah, they do that. So you keep gambling. And I was like. And you lose it. And then you lose it. Blew my mind. Damn. You know, when your friend's a real animal is when you're like, I don't know. I don't want to go to the casino. And he goes, no.
I'll take out 300 and I'll take out 100 for you because I want you to gamble with me. He's like, if you win the 100, give it back to me. If you win two, you get 100. I had a friend like that once and he's a famous comedian. And it was hilarious. He goes, whatever you make, he's like, if you lose it all, no hard feelings. And if you win anything, we split it. There you go. This guy's already like enterprising over here, you know. He's putting other people to work. Yeah. Yeah.
This guy's a genius. I know. It's pretty good. But if you lose, he has to eat it. But that money's nothing to him. I guess so. If you're doing that...
Casinos. They're talking about building them in the city now, which would be crazy. I mean, New York, isn't that – wasn't there an article about that in New York City? Well, I mean, because they're trying to make money in the city again because think about how much money is wrapped up in office space, which they're losing because so many people are working, what, max three days in office a week now? Yeah, way down. Way down. So much is on Zoom. I mean, New York City has casinos. That's more money, I guess, but ugh. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, I don't know. We're not bringing in a quality crowd. It's a bad crowd. What is it? Cleveland has that casino about four blocks from the club. And as you get one block, two block closer, it's like sketchier, sketchier, hobo, you know, degenerate gambler. People get their paycheck, go right there. That's the sad thing. Yeah, that Friday is packed there. It really is. Well, then also, yeah, I remember Reno, Nevada, that casino, yeah.
They want to pick me up for morning radio at like 6 a.m. and I'm outside and I'm like, the other dudes out here at 6 a.m. are not people I want to be near. No. These dudes are on meth. I mean, it was sketchy. A lot of like fast walking. You're like, oh, shit. I know, right? That's the only exercise I'm getting in Reno is fast meth walking like this. It's true. Unless they're leaving my show. It's the same speed. Yeah.
But the smoking, too, I hate that. Just being in a warehouse with ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, bad carpet, weird, sad people, and smoke. It's a nightmare. But it'd be weird to not allow smoking when you're allowing all that. True, yeah. Yeah, man, I bomb every show there. It was like, it does wonders on your soul where you're like, man, not only am I bombing, I haven't seen outside. Right. And people say, go for a walk. No, you go for a walk. See if you come back. Mm-hmm.
I know, man. So true. Vegas bums me out. Vegas is a little better because it's sunny as hell. There's restaurants, you know, but there's no parks. When you go a little outside the strip, it's kind of, Vegas can be cool. Yeah, yeah. But like, you realize you haven't seen a tree in three days. You know what Reno is? You know how every politician has that fucked up younger brother? Yeah. That's Reno. Reno's the one where like, dude, Reno's got to get it together. Reno's. I hate Reno.
That's true. It's like Hunter Biden. You're like, take it easy. Come on, Hunter. Yeah, Hunter Biden and Tom or John, what's his fucking name? Donald Jr. Yeah. They're both fucked up. Every politician's son is. Bush W. Yeah. Yeah. He was a cokehead. Yeah. But he got elected. But he was the president. Yeah. I mean. He made it in. That was a great movie. W. W.
Was it good? Really good. Brolin killed it. It's really good. He plays Bush? Yeah. Oh, and who plays Chaney? Oh, pull that up. I can't remember. I saw it when it came out. Was that Adam McKay? No, that was a different movie, which was great. Brolin. Elizabeth Banks? Oh, yeah. Jeez. Jeffrey Wright, Colin Pally. I could see that. Colin Hanks.
Was Dreyfuss Chaney? Yes. Oh, look at that. Yeah, Dreyfuss is good. Yeah, he's good. But the latest one with Adam McKay, I forgot, Operation Vice. Vice. It was just Vice. I didn't see it. It's heavy, but it's good. I saw it in the theater. But you're like, Jesus Christ. It's very dense with political shit, but it's interesting.
Oh, yeah, and Bale played Chaney and killed it. Man, who's changed his body more than... Who's changed their body more, Christian Bale or Oprah? I was just going to say, you beat me to it. Yeah, so true. Maybe Jonah Hill. Yeah. He's up there with weight. He changes a lot, yeah. Yeah. Jonah Hill's fucking great in everything. He's so good. And no one talks about how great he is. I feel like people talk about it. Oh, okay. I feel like you don't put him... It's like Leo and all that, but you never put Jonah Hill in there. Comedians never get the same love.
Yeah, I guess you're right. But he's great in Moneyball. He's great in Wolf of Wall Street. He's great in serious roles, too. Yeah, that's true. But then he's great at comedy. Yeah, Superbad's hilarious. He was even great in his cameo in 40-Year-Old Virgin. He was. 21 and 22 Jump Street are both great. Dude, look at Christian Bale's body. Unreal. That's crazy to get that skinny.
I mean, that's medically dangerous. You think he was going to bars during that time and women were like, oh, this guy's gross. Yeah, probably.
I mean, he did that. Matt Damon did that. That can't be healthy. No, no. The weight fluctuations. Well, how about McConaughey and Dallas Buyers Club? Pull up how skinny he was in that shit. So my lady has a huge crush on McConaughey, and she said after that, he was never as hot. Like, that fucked him up. Yeah, no, I think he- Permanently. I can't imagine it's easy to come back from that. I mean, he's still really handsome. Yeah, look how skinny he is, man. Wow.
Crazy. I couldn't do it. Isn't it funny how we live in this kind of overweight country and these guys can do it? I guess it helps if you're rich and have a trainer. Well, you don't have a trainer for that. You just probably have someone being like, don't eat. Yeah. That's probably the trainer. Well, what do they do? Like water and lemon juice and cayenne? See, I wonder if that would make you look healthy skinny though. Maybe not. Maybe not. You can't work out either because you don't want to build muscle.
You must be going crazy. That's tough. But imagine that first day when you're done rap. You're like, give me a fucking ho-ho, a ring ding, a donut. I'm going all in. Yeah, it must be way more fun to just gain weight for a roll. Yeah, that's true. Like De Niro in Raging Bull. Or Matt Damon in The Informant or something. Oh, yeah. Good times. Lost 50 pounds and he was already a pretty thin guy. Oh, yeah. Tapioca pudding and fish.
As much wine as I wanted to drink. Interesting. Is that... That works? I guess he did look like a French woman. Yeah, throw a couple cigarettes in there. 50 pounds. Wow. All the wine I want. He didn't exercise for five months. Dude, he was 136. Whoa. 135, damn. I feel like he had a spin because remember he was...
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Sahara, I Hate My Wife, or whatever the hell. Failure to Launch. Yeah, Failure to Launch. They were all like turd shit movies. And then out of nowhere, he was just in like five really good things in a row. Yeah. And people were like, oh, shit. Wolf of Wall Street, Buyer's Club, Mud was good. True Detective. True Detective. Killed it in that. Yeah, he's great. And then what was that thing he did?
Oh, he was in days confused. So he started out good. Yeah. And then he was too hot.
Wow, Rain of Fire. I never saw Interstellar. I heard that's great. It's good, but it's heavy. I mean, it's three hours of sci-fi, trippy Nolan shit. The score is awesome. Yeah, I cried. You cried? Oh, I watched it on a movie. I could watch Finding Nemo on a movie and I'm weeping. On a plane, you mean? Sorry, what did I say? On a movie. On a plane. Snakes on a plane. Yeah. Do you have any peeves?
Uh, yes. Now this is a thing everybody's saying now, and it's too much! You know, it's like when people started saying, uh, let's unpack this. You know, once everybody says it, it annoys me. Because I'm like, get your own thing. But this is the thing everybody's saying now, and I hear it 14 times a week. One guy said it, and now it's everywhere.
That was another one. Let's table that. That was another one. Let's table that. Yeah, you're not a therapist. You're also not a CEO. Yes! Why don't we settle down on both fronts here? Exactly. So this is the new one that's bugging me. Everybody thinks they're so cool when they say it. I'm like, my grandma's saying that. But they go, I'll tell you, that guy was cool till he wasn't. Everybody's saying that! Yeah.
Yeah. That situation was good till it wasn't. Because you're not saying anything. Yeah, that's how things work. They go from here to here. Things change. Yeah, things change. People change. Yeah, exactly. McConaughey was a good actor till he wasn't.
Yeah, I hate that shit. And you're like, all right. There's a lot of stuff on Twitter like that, too, where I'm just like, I got to get off this thing. Yeah, yeah, I know. I hate those tropes that start forming, like, blah, blah, blah, be like. You know, there's so many of them. I can't think of the other ones. I'm trying to think of others, like, yeah, fuck, there's so many. I know, there's so many. And we see them all the time. And we just kind of go, oh, that's what people... Matt, what are other ones that are like...
I'm thinking social media ones that make me crazy. Squad goals was big. Six years ago, everybody, squad goals, squad goals. All right. And then though, T-H-O. They'd be like, that body though. That was a big one. Yeah. It's funny. It's like bad grammar is cool. It is. Bad spelling is cool. It's funny. It's like caring is so uncool about anything. Yeah. Right. I know. But I think it's like rapper speak or whatever the hell it is. But yeah, big. That's lit. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. And there's all these TikTok, these trends that kick up. And my girl's like, oh, do you know about this trend? I'm like, no. And I don't want to know because it's going to go away in three days. Oh, yeah. When everyone's like on TikTok and they're all like, yeah, they're all like nodding. You're like, yeah, if everyone's doing it, it's not that cool. No, but originality is cool. I agree. But originality isn't rewarded because the trends build and build and build. And then you want to get in that wave and catch. Yeah.
Oh, God. Here we go. Tell me without telling me. Yes, that was a big one. Oh, you know what else is a annoying one? I eat popcorn at a podcast old place.
You know that one? Like, I shit my pants age. Or what is it? I'm blowing it. I'm shit my pants at a movie theater years old. That's it? Yeah, that's the one you do? There you go. It's like, yes, yes, we got it. I'm going to ask me if they trim my eyebrows at the barbershop years old. Yes, exactly. Which I am, by the way. So am I.
I was, what else? Yeah. Tell me, tell me you're a murderer without telling me. It just goes up behind the person, start stabbing them. Right, right. Or it'll be a picture of Zach Morris. And it's like, uh, uh, you know, what is it? Oh, want to feel old. And it's Zach Morris, like bending over with his back hurting or something. Want to feel old? No, actually I don't. Want to feel old? This actor you grew up with has AIDS. Feel old yet? Uh, what else? We miss you, Charlie Sheen.
There's sounds too that I hear from the other room from my lady. It's like, oh no. Oh no, no, no, no, no. That was a big one. I know. There's some 45-year-old guy listening to this like, I don't know what the fuck they're talking about. What else? Keep going up. I hate people that work at the bank. I don't know what these are. Yeah, man, this is sad. I don't know any of these. Remember this one? Main character trend? Remember that? What's that? This. This.
Wait, do it play it? You remember the dabbing? No. What? Matt, am I an idiot for not knowing this? You saw dabbing. And I have a new...
- Amazing trend alert for you guys. This trend is called the main character TikTok trend, where you actually get to display what kind of personality you have and other characters that you can relate to with your personality. This is a super fun trend to create. And in this video, we're gonna be going over the exact steps you can do to do this in under 15 minutes. Not just that, but I'm also going to show the brands and businesses out there how you can take this trend and ride it for that maximum reach. So let's get started.
It's this guy from Dragon Ball Z. It's, uh...
Yeah, Omar's on the wire. That's a big one. Which celebrity do you look like? And then it pulls up and I'm like, yeah, you don't look like that person. No, no, yeah, you're not Kim K. What else is there, Matt? What are the other ones we missed out on? Because these are cracking me up. There's a million of them. I don't know any of this shit. I don't know any of this shit is. I wish they weren't tutorials. I wish they were just examples. Yeah, yeah, Google Earth trend. I don't know what that is. Cherry Bon Bon. Yeah.
This changes people's lives, too. People go viral off this shit. We don't even know what it means. What I mean when I say I'm from Alaska? That makes sense. What I mean when I say I'm from. That's kind of interesting because you're like, all right, there's different vernacular in different places, maybe. Turning your DMs into quotes.
Yeah, see, that's another one. You have to say slide into a DM. You can't just go, you can't just DM somebody. You gotta slide in. Yeah. Netflix and chill was one. I mean, now that, now we're getting, that's way old. Picture trend? What's that? Uh-oh. I hate that they're all, it doesn't, I mean, we're going. Yeah, yeah, we're going in a wormhole here.
But what do you think about when people go like, so popcorn, popcorn, popcorn, then you get an ad for popcorn. Does that freak you out? Yeah. That is weird. It's like, yeah, the phones are listening, man. You think? Of course. Is that literal? They're literally listening to us? Yeah, right? I mean. That's scary shit. I mean, they have the thing called like the Facebook security setting where it would just come set. Like you have to go to settings and turn it off or it would, yeah.
It would fall like you ever on Facebook and you just see or Instagram and you were looking at sneakers on some website and then you're scrolling. I mean, there's an ad for those. Yes, that's what it is. It's like the it would follow you.
I mean, it's literally the same thing. Yeah, but it's literally the same thing as if like a dude just walks up to you in the street like, check out this sweater. I saw you checking this sweater and you're like, how do you? Right. It's that shit. It's that level of creepiness. Yeah, and you could turn it off, you said? Yeah. Oh, all right. I got to turn that off. Yeah, you got to turn it off. Because I'm getting all these gay porn ads on my Instagram. So I got to fix that.
Damn. This is scary. And that metaverse is only going to be worse. I know. Because you can go shopping on the metaverse and hang out with friends on the metaverse, and it's all just going to sell you shit. Like, well, if you're in the metaverse, you've got to pay the cover to get into this metaverse bar. Remember when SimCity started, and it was like, well, this will be like an escape. It's like a funny thing, and now it's just life. It's just life. Yeah, totally. Scary stuff. It's fucking scary. Ugh.
And we could push back, but our curiosity goes, well, maybe I'll try this metaverse thing. And then before you know it, you're buying a goddamn condo in the metaverse. Yeah, before you know it, you're like, my name is what? That's not my name. Yeah. That was another big one. We're just people like, I was in this movie. I was in this movie. We're just like a brag for actors. That's true. Yeah. Basically, Brody Stevens' act. Hangover. Hangover 2. That's a deep cut.
You got a wreck? Because I got a honker. I got a good one, actually, and it's connected to a recent episode. So we were talking about how good that show Winning Time is on HBO. Oh, I like it. I started the book. It's amazing. Better than the show. Yeah, you'll finish it in like three days. Wow. It's so good. All right. Okay, Winning Time, the book. I think it's called Showtime Lakers, the dynasty, and it goes into detail, and the stories are insane, and holy shit. It's crazy in sports when the stars align in that way, and it's like-
uh amazing owner and jerry buss amazing uh character and kareem uh magic is the most charismatic player and like you know the most likable player but then some shit behind the scenes you're like whoa and then right you know pat riley's rise uh
you know, the coach and what happened before Riley and before Westhead, what happened to him, how crazy it is. I mean, the book, you will, you'll burn through it. It's awesome. Those sports books are so like the, the, what was it? Bronx is burning. Yeah. I heard it's a good one. Everybody raves about that book. I never read it, but I heard it's amazing. I gotta, I gotta pick that one up, but you can tell Adam McKay clearly read that was like, we're doing a show for sure. This is incredible. Sure. It's awesome. What a career. We can just make a show like that. Oh,
So cool. I know, but he's earned it. He earned it. What do you got? I got... So speaking of HBO, now this is going to sound niche, but it applies to everybody. The Tony Hawk doc. I heard it's amazing. It's incredible, and I know it's skateboarding, I know it's kid shit, but it is so deep, and I didn't know how fucked up he was, and...
Man, talk about haters. You forget this guy, he's a skateboarder, whatever, he's famous, everybody likes him, he's got the video game. They fucked him, they fucked with him in the beginning so bad, skinny kid just winning all these contests, they would throw beer cans at him, other skaters spit on his board, all this shit, like almost got into fist fights, and he just perceived, perceived, Why? Why did people hate him so much? Because he was winning.
And he was nice, and he was little, and he came out of nowhere, and he would invent tricks. And they were like, what the fuck's this guy doing with these tricks? I've never heard of those. And they got mad at him. But he's like, I'm making new tricks. You know, it's fun. And they got mad. They're like, you're doing it wrong. You're weird. And he just kept going. Wow. Yeah, I heard the doc's insane. It's insane. And this is a leap here, but it almost has Kobe Bryant-esque where he's like,
First of all, he gets knocked out twice in the movie, just showing like head back, knocked out, hospital. But he just keeps going. He goes back the next day. His wife's like, what are you doing? You're going to die. His brother's like, you're going to die. You got concussions. He's broken all these ribs.
Incredible. I mean, the perseverance he has. He's a concrete bowl, a swimming pool, just eating shit over and over. And you're like, stop, man. But he can't stop. He wants to learn that trick. What's his streaming on? HBO. I watch it on HBO Max. I couldn't. The lady was talking to me. I divorced her. I threw a blanket over her. I was like, I'm watching this. I'm all in.
You can either get on board or get out. You made a TikTok while you're throwing a blanket over. Yeah. I'm this year's old and I stuffed a sock in her mouth. That's not my name. That's not my name. Yeah. Oh, no. She's talking again. But yeah, great time. So good. And there's a scene at the end where this guy, Rodney Mullen, who's like the street skater version because he's a ramp guy.
And Rodney Mullins is like, he's like, they're like, he's like, I can't get out of bed without eight things cracking. He's like, I used to piss blood. And they're like, why do you do this? And he's like, because I know how much I love skateboarding. And every time my body hurts, I'm glad because it's heavy. You got to watch it. You got to watch it. It's incredible. Neil Brennan was tweeting. I texted him. I was like, how great was this? You know? Wow. I had to like connect. I think I saw him post it. Unbelievable. Yeah. Moving. Yeah.
Yeah. No, it's, uh, he was at the cellar one night. I remember. And I just, it's weird when you're like, cause I don't know a ton about him, but I know who the hell he is obviously. And I know that he's a legend. And, uh, you see him in the, in the corner of the room. You're like, fuck, it's Tony Hawk. I better be funny. Yeah. Oh yeah. You met him. I didn't meet him. I think Hanley met him. I bolted after my set, but Phil was hanging there and he, he, I think got to hang with him a little. Yeah.
And class act like the, the shit he could have done to people that fucked him over. And then he, he was so nice that they eventually came around and the 900, he nails the 900 on camera. I watched it as a kid live on ESPN with like five of my buddies and
You were a skater boy too. Big skater, yeah. So like the 900 was huge for us. I know I called you a skater boy. I'm Avril Lavigne here. I'll see you later, boy. You were a skater. Big skater. And I just like the individual sports. I like UFC. I like skateboarding because it's all you. You got to make it happen. There's no team help. Like comedy. Like comedy.
So this really hit home, and it's so many comedy parallels, which I say a million times. Tennis, golf, bowling, any of the others? I love tennis. Golf is so slow that I can't get into it. I like that guy John Haley. Well, John Daly. That guy was awesome. He'd be a good guest. Oh.
Oh, my God. You got to get him on. Is he still alive? Yeah. Okay. He's still going strong. That would be a Burt Kreischer-esque episode. Oh, my God. He would kill us. He would. He had a great quote with Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods was blowing up, and they were playing together, and he goes, let's get a beer. Tiger Woods goes, I can't, man. I got to work on my swing. He's like, dude, you're great. Let's just get a beer. And he goes, if I was as good as you, I could drink like you, but I need to practice. Wow. And Daly was like, all right, I'm getting a beer. Wow. Yeah. Yeah.
Fun fact. Yeah, I mean, that self-hatred, it's like you think self-hatred is just for booze bags, but it's for Tiger, too. Oh, yeah. Well, there's a reason why these guys are so good. The Tiger doc was incredible. Incredible. Loved it. There's something so evil about training a kid since he's like two years old. I know. It really is like...
If you're saying people get their kids into acting, it's like, do they ever turn out normal? Never. Is it ever a good idea? No. Child actors are all fucked. Even the healthy ones are kind of fucked. Oh, completely. Yeah. I mean, look at the Webster guy. What's the guy? I mean, Lindsay Lohan is fine, but there's others that have really had a hard time. Yeah. Britney Spears. They're all going through something. Do you see she's having a baby? Oh, great. She told me she wasn't keeping it. What?
You know that her dad is like, the second I let you out of this prison, you got to go and get knocked up. What was that? Amanda Bynes went nuts? Remember her? Her parents, I think. I don't know. I couldn't tell. I think her parents might have been trying to help her. Whereas like Brittany's, I don't know enough about the story, but like I know Brittany, it's like, man, that guy. Although you see her, it's funny. The second she...
was let out of the conservatorship. She posted two nudes on Instagram and there was a part of me that was like, maybe he was running a tight ship. Oh yeah, no doubt about it. Maybe he knew. Protect the interest. Yeah.
Yeah, I don't believe in making somebody a slave, but he might have had it. I mean, I saw her clam within like 20 minutes. Not in that Webster, the other one. Different Strokes. The older brother, the black guy. What are you talking about, Willis? No, the brother of him. Todd Bridges. He became a heroin addict, crackhead. He had to go to rehab. All those guys. They're all fucked.
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It's not good. It's not healthy. Bad drug. Uh-oh, are we at the end? No, no, no. We got to do some news stories. Do you guys want breaking news? We got to do some news. Breaking news? Breaking news. Breaking. It's sad. What? Gilbert Gottfried just passed away. Shut up. What? No way. What the hell's going on here? This is the second comedian to die while taping. Wow. 67. His Dirty Jokes album, we were talking about it recently. It's one of the best.
It's one of the best albums. Yeah. Unreal. I opened for him once at Caroline's. He was struggling for the first half hour because it's like, Cary Grant said to whatever. And then it was like, all right, that's funny. And then halfway in, he's like, I'm going dirty and murdering. That's what they wanted. And the jokes are great. Wow. That's another one gone.
You know, I didn't know him well, but he was always super friendly when you'd see him. Super nice. Soft-spoken, not what you would think. Yeah. And they made a documentary about him, which is great. That's another wreck. God. Crazy. Horrible. I know. I'm glad I got to say I worked with him. Yeah.
I did a Zoom with him during the pandemic and I remember teasing him and he was in his pajamas and I said, you look like you escaped a mental hospital. And I got a big laugh at him. And you're like, it's Gilbert. It's like, it feels good when you're like he's... I remember growing up with him in the Problem Child movies. Remember that shit? Yes, of course. I mean, that laugh was iconic. Howard Stern loved him. Oh, yeah. I did Jim and Sam with him once and he barely spoke. He just laughed. He gave it up for everybody. Yeah.
Sad, man. Wow. We gotta get a picture of him. Yeah. On the wall. Holy shit. 67. Did he have cancer? He had something. I know he was ill. Glad we got that duck. I mean, you watch that duck and the shit from him from the 80s, he's so alive, he's so ballsy, he's so reckless. It was fucking awesome. It was like that old school comedy where he just, he would grab the camera and, ah, you know, it was very like, uh,
Erratic and fun. He had a wife and kids. Yeah. So, you know, thoughts with him. That's horrible. His wife is super nice, super cool. Yeah. Damn, that's Bob Saget. Bob Saget, Norm, Louis Anderson, now Gilbert. Who am I missing? Man. Shout out to Artie Lang once again. Hanging strong. You got to give it to him. Let's do some news stories to maybe lighten this a little bit because I don't want to just...
Yeah. Go down here. What do we got? Thanks a lot, Matt. Fisherman finds odd creature...
out at sea that people think is a baby dragon. Robert Fedorsov was fishing in the Norwegian Sea when he found a bizarre looking creature and after sharing an image of it online, people were terrified and said it must be a baby dragon. Damn. That is a fucked up little animal. Maybe it's time for a new fish at the Jewish deli. Yeah.
I want a bagel with a quarter pound of baby dragon on it. Yeah, it sounds good. Baby dragon. It's a good flavor. Yeah. Like, what's that other one? Whitefish? Well, no. It's like a flavor. Oh, dragon fruit. Dragon fruit. Yeah. It just sounds like, ooh, I'll have that. But baby dragon. Yeah, look at that thing. So do we know what it is or is it just ugly? I don't know. Some of these... Have you seen some of... Like, this guy's... I've seen this guy's stuff before and some of the fish...
Like, they look so weird. Well, they're aliens. You know, you've got to think the Earth is here, then space has aliens, supposedly, and then the ocean has aliens. Yeah. Yeah.
The ocean's fucking nuts. All kinds of stuff going on down there. It's also hilarious to let people name. It's a baby dragon. People just hold up. They're like, oh, this is the pocket pussy fish right here. I prefer the blowfish. But yeah, that's true. I guess you get to name it. That's one of the perks of finding a weird thing.
He loves this shit, though. He must love what he does. Because you don't do this thing. No, no. If you don't love animals. I have no water love. I mean, I like to sit in a hot tub every now and then. Or maybe I'll hit a jet ski. But some people just love being on the water. I'm not a big water guy. I'm very city. Yeah. I'm not like...
I wish I had more love for it, but I don't know. I like to look at the national park and go see the hills and the cliffs and the bluffs, but give me an hour there and I got it. Yeah.
People love nature, but that shit ain't fun. That is, yeah. Oh, my God, it's weird. Yeah. What else you got? What other news? You want to do this one? We could be a perfect match. JetBlue and Spirit are pairing, not as odd as it appears, CEO says. JetBlue Airways, the New York-based carrier for its in-flight TV lineup.
Free Wi-Fi Trendy Snacks has made an unsolicited $3.6 billion offer to buy No Frills Spirit. Well, if they can buy it and kick it up a notch, I'm all for it. Yeah. But don't stick with the Spirit Credo because it ain't pretty. Yeah, it's Credo. Oh, Credo. Spirit's terrible. This is... It's terrible. Whenever I ride a Spirit airline flight, I walk up to the toughest looking guy in there and beat the shit out of him just to send a message. Ha ha ha.
Yeah, the snacks suck. The seats are like wicker. And they get you on the baggage thing. They're like, all right, sure, your ticket was $38. Pretty good price. And you're like, you're damn right. And they're like, but $50 to check that bag. And I'm like, well, I'll put it in the overhead. They're like, that's $80. I'm like, god damn. I'll use a seatbelt. That's another $200. Yes, exactly. You know what you're right. If they bump it up, it's actually great.
What do you mean? If they make Spirit better. Oh, sure. Because Spirit's horrible. I mean, it's kind of like when someone great starts dating someone horrible. And you're like, well, are you going to make them better? Or are they going to make you worse? It's kind of like we were talking about Britney earlier. Spirit's kind of like Kevin Federline. Right, right. It's like, is this going to get better? Yeah, it's like Kim K and Kanye. Are you going to make him better or is he going to bring you down? I don't know.
Obviously, they split. Yeah. Yeah. 3.6, is that a lot for an airline? I don't know what airlines go for. I don't think it is. I mean, Delta would go for so much, or United or American or something. Right. But Spirit's a smaller airline. That's the thing, it's like two smaller hubs coming together. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. Maybe it's a good thing, because JetBlue is pretty good.
JetBlue is fucking good. You ever done that in Mint? I've never been in Mint. Ooh, I did it once. Game changer. JetBlue is, it feels very egalitarian. Yes. There's something about it that's, because some of those flights don't even have first class. Right, right. It's just everyone with a little more room. It's like this utopian society. Julian McCullough had that great joke. He's like, man, JetBlue is very egalitarian.
egalitarian like i was on it last week he said the word no i couldn't think of the word he says i was like damn did i just pull a julie mccullough bit by accident no but he's like i got on it and a kid was walking down the aisle the hallway going uh or the aisle going hey i got peanuts uh dollar for oreos you know i gotta do my basketball team we need uh we need jerseys oh that's such a new york joke i know that's great that's the cool thing about jet blue is they're new york based so if you do the mint
They're like, this food is from Frank's Restaurant on 3rd Street. These cookies are from Magnolia Bakery. They do all the New York stuff. So you're getting all this primo New York food. You do feel like a kid when you're on those flights. You do like, yeah, fuck it, I'll have a cookie. Yeah, you're like Kevin McAllister.
A plane passenger said he'd pay extra to not sit next to a woman with odd ritual. All right, let's see what we got here. What are we thinking? Flicking the bean? I think you pay extra to sit there. That's not my name. Okay. Oh, that's pretty clever. Is that an odd ritual? Wait, do it again? I think it was the feet thing. Oh, she's got these little weird feet hammocks.
And then a giant head pillow that you can lean on facing forward. Well, it's probably actually, yeah. First off, I don't love the bare feet on the flight. No, no. You better be hygienic as fuck if you're doing that. Yeah. But I have no problem with it other than, I mean, a dude with bare feet deserves a death penalty. A woman. Agreed. Misdemeanor. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, I'm with you because I flew to China, I don't know, five, six years ago, did some gigs over there, flew coach. Hardest thing I've ever done in my life.
coach to china and the chinese have different rules like at one point a guy's barefoot came through my seat and hit my uh armrest barefoot on my armrest and i was like what the fuck and i told the the what do you call it flight attendant she was like oh yeah that's that's normal the sign of respect in our culture yeah so i gave that guy a couple of elbows like hey watch that foot there uh
Kung Pao or whatever the fuck, you know? Whatever his name was. That wasn't his name. That definitely wasn't his fucking name. Uh-oh. Here we go. Marjorie Taylor Greene reports Jimmy Kimmel to cops after Will Smith joke. Oh, my God. You see? Everybody's a snowflake about something. Everybody likes to call everybody snowflake, especially on the right, and then they get snowflaked about other shit. Well, she's nuts. Wow. Jewish space laser. What's the joke? She's my favorite female comedian, but yeah, she's nutty.
Yeah, what is the joke here? Jimmy Kimmel's been going for it lately. Has he? Oh, yeah. He's especially upset with the three Republican senators who said they'll vote yes on Judge Katonji Brown-Jackson, who's nominated for the Supreme Court. She tweeted, Murkowski, Collins, and Romney are pro-pedophile. They just voted for KBJ. Wow, where is Will Smith when you really need him, huh? I mean...
That's it? Is it a good joke? Not really. But also, I think it's pretty offensive to call someone pro-pedophile. Oh, yeah, for sure. Is it because she wasn't hard enough on...
on some cases as a as a lawyer is that why it is i guess so well you know it's like uh by the way was that would be hilarious if will smith did slap her again if he just like his publicist is like dude you slapped another person he's like i can't yeah he's like it's my thing now i gotta do my thing so she's done so wait she reported that go what is it what did she do she's suing him i think she's suing him oh i called the police sorry
She didn't really call the police, did she? She called the police? That's what it says. Capitol Police after late night host. By the way, the Capitol Police, we've all seen. They're not really on it. But yeah, she's cuckoo. She's off Twitter, I think. They knocked her off? Yeah. She called the cops. I will say on a side note, what's the name of the new Kentonji Brown Jackson? It's so funny when I see comics like...
good for her. I love this lady. And you're like, what are we doing here? You're, you're like hyped up about a Senator or a Senate seat. Like how much do you really give a shit? I think the answer is they probably don't. And they need something. It's great. It is historic. I mean, it's okay. Okay. That's I think that's what people are like. It's the first black woman ever. Right. On the Supreme court. So I think, so I think that's, so it is meaningful. But,
But this is how I do that. Hey, the first black woman got hired on the Supreme Court. Oh, cool. All right, I'll get the pastrami on rye. Like, I don't know. It's just weird that it's their whole. Well, you're not a sentimental, emotional guy. I get emotional, but not about my mom. But this is not my mom. It's just some lady who's, I've never cared about the Supreme Court in my life. I personally don't connect to it, but also I get why it's like a historic moment for sure. I get the historic thing. I get that.
But are we going to do that for every historic moment? Hey, we got our first trans cabbie or whatever. I don't know. It's like... Sure. Where does it end? All right. Well, I want to see that post. Yeah, I'll do a post for him. Okay. Or her. Or they.
What else? A new Oklahoma law will criminalize abortions. Whether it takes effect depends on the Supreme Court. All right. Well, let's see what she does. Criminalize abortions. So, yeah, this is crazy. So now it's like, I mean, yeah, Texas and Oklahoma. Now you're going to have to go down to Mexico. Yeah. Where they do allow it, I believe. Oh, yeah. They don't say anything. They don't say no to anything. Yeah.
They actually built an abortion clinic right next to a Senor Frog, so you can make a whole weekend out of it. You get a yardstick of rum, and you take care of booze. Yeah, there you go. Those two states are touching. Yeah, dude. So they might have a baby. They might fuck. Yeah, and they might have to keep it. And I hate to tell you, Texas, but you're a bottom.
Literally. Britney Spears said she's pregnant. There you go. The 40-year-old pop star announced the news in an Instagram post. There you go. I mean... Pete Davidson is at it again. Well, it's also kind of... You know what's kind of crazy is like...
This is what happens when you do the conservatorship. Like you're there. People are there. They're forced in. I don't know the situation. I know nothing about Britney Spears. I know if I were gay or a woman, I'd know everything. But I'm not. I'm neither. So, yeah, dude. I mean, yeah, let's go to it. Who's the guy? Yeah. Who is he?
It'd be funny if it was Federline again. Fuck, this guy keeps coming back. Well, he made a fortune on that divorce. Did he? Oh, he cleaned up. And he invested all his money in wife beaters. This guy's rich. Everyone's rocking tank tops. Yeah, right? What else? Okay, handsome guy. Good looking guy. Oh, yeah. Okay, is he a model or something? Sam Asghari. Oh, he's an actor. Okay. Quote unquote actor.
There she is, Louisiana's own, Britney Spears. Is she? Prego, yeah, she's from Kent, Louisiana. Hopefully she'll get pregnant in Oklahoma. Yeah, right? There you go. Hey, well that's a, you know. Is that a white guy? I can't tell. What do you think? I don't think he's white. I don't see color. I don't think he's white. 6'2". Maybe he's Indian with that name. Iran. Oh, Iranian. Oh, they're hot. That's a good look. Yeah, they are good looking dudes. Wow, look at this guy on the boat. What?
Holy shit. Yeah, he's a hot guy. Yeah, you got to have a baby with that specimen. Jesus Christ. Brittany, what do you think? Would you? Well, for the story, but I don't find her that... Like, I knew girls growing up who were hotter than her. Young Brittany was pretty hot, though. Young was pretty hot, yeah. But look at that. I mean, she just looks like a regular TGI Friday waitress, you know?
Not knocking her, but... We're losing our female and gay base right now. They're just like, look, we're done with this podcast. Yeah, I mean, I think she's a beautiful woman, but yeah, I mean, she's... I mean, that's like a lady who works at Tilted Kilt. You know that place? I don't know. Oh, that's like an Irish chain bar. Yeah, she was never like my crush growing up. She was never... Yeah, but definitely above average.
Yeah. Hell of a dancer and talented and all that crap. So good for her. Good for her. Have the kid. Yeah, yeah. Don't abort it if you don't want it. I mean, you know what? Do whatever you want. Do whatever you want. Eh, kill it. Who gives a shit? A Florida teen was killed as he and another teen took turns shooting each other while wearing body armor. Whoa, Florida, baby. Damn.
Hopefully it was actual body armor, not the drink that they were wearing. Under armor? They filmed it. Would you watch it? What? No, play it. Well, I don't have a video. It's for like a YouTube video. What? Facing charges, both 17 years old. He had another teen took turns shooting each other while... Wow. Where was that? I didn't realize someone died. Holy shit. So he's going to jail? I feel like it was consensual.
Damn. There's a video? Let's see it. If we can. It's not out yet. Oh, okay. It drops on Patreon. I've never shot my friend in body armor years old. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no. What's the other one? I love the tough guy dad. You know, the dads who hate participation. He's like, back in my day, we didn't wear body armor. We just shot each other. These kids are pussies nowadays.
All right, wow. The man suspended of shooting Lady Gaga's dog, Walker, was mistakenly released from jail. The suspect was released from jail after a court hearing due to a clerical error. Authorities are now on the hunt. Holy shit, a clerical error. This sounds like the plot of a bad Adam Sandler movie. The clerical error.
Damn it, he's back on the street. I want our best man on him. It's Tommy Lee Jones. Yeah. They redo The Fugitive, but it's about a guy who just shoots a little dog. Oh, no, he didn't shoot. He shot the guy, right? He kidnapped the dogs. Oh, yeah, because they were worth a lot of money. Yeah. So he shot the guy, yeah. That's a bummer when you're below dog. Right, right.
I feel like if you're going to steal something, a Lady Gaga's dog trainer isn't exactly the toughest guy. I feel like if you're in charge of those two little twinkie dogs, I feel like it's not something. I hope that guy got paid, though. He got shot. I'm sure he did. Hold on. Popcorn. The dogs are worth, they were worth like 400 grand each or something. They're like show dogs. Damn, dude. Damn. Clerical error. Pretty good.
That's why you gotta get Excel. Is that it? That's all the news? Good news, dude. Yeah. Good news. Bad news for the clerical. You got a bit? Let me see. I got a bunch of ideas. What do you got? I got an idea. It's totally not finished, but I think I got something here.
What do you got? So everybody now likes to tell you their thing. It's like, as a woman, as a trans immigrant, as a black man. And I'm like, I'm going to treat you the same either way, so it doesn't really matter to me what you are. But...
I'd rather you tell me your mental illness because that's actually helpful. Like, as a narcissist, as a sociopath, as a whatever, that I can use as a bipolar person. So you should start introducing with that shit instead of your race or your gender or your sexual orientation. Problem is the narcissists don't know they're a narcissist. Yeah, yeah. Maybe we say...
Yeah, well, I'm Mexican. You're like, yeah, but you're also a narcissist. And they're like, what did you say? Right, right. There's something about like... You got to claim all of it. You can't just tell me your ethnicity. You got to tell me your disease. As a depressed person. Yeah, why do they do it as just a... That's interesting. Because they'll be like, I read this news story and as a Hispanic woman that affected me and I'm like...
I don't know. It affects everybody. I get it, but like you should be, it wouldn't be a lot more helpful if they were like, as a narcissist, this, this bothered me. And I'm like, of course that, that makes sense.
Yeah. So I don't know what the funny is. As also a narcissist, it's nice to meet you. Right, right. Yeah, yeah. That should be, I mean, that's really, people should have to lead with that shit always. Yes, because there's so much mental illness now and there's so many different sects. It's like very diverse, you know. Also, if you told me that, at least I'd be like, well, this person's probably in therapy. Yeah.
You tell me your race just doesn't... I can tell you race. That's true, too. That does nothing for me. Yeah, it doesn't help me at all. I knew you were that race. Right, exactly. I knew you were a black woman. You don't have to be like, as a black woman. I already got that. Give me the mental illness you got.
Yeah. But you gotta be honest about it too. You can't just be like, as a OCD, I'm like, no, no, I want the real shit. You can only tell they're being honest if it's bad. Right. As a manic depressive. As a thief. I identify as a thief. Yeah. As a pedophile. Like, wow, this fucking, this pedophile is honest. Yeah. As a compulsive liar, whatever it is, like everybody's got their own. Well, as a compulsive liar, it doesn't even help you because you're like, well, is he lying right now? Maybe it does help you a little because you're like. Good point. Good point.
This popcorn is fucking good. I know. It's so good. But that's my jumping off point. So once I figure out some. Yeah. As someone who identifies, I feel like it is interesting. I feel like young people now do identify more with their mental illness. Oh, yeah. Because it makes them interesting. Yes, exactly. Maybe the angle is it used to be about your race that made you interesting. And now you got to take it up a notch.
Now it's kind of like, okay, but what... Now it's like, it used to be as a black man. Now it's like as a bipolar black man. Yes, exactly. You're like, oh, shit. It's like when people tell you, like, you know, I'm bi. And you're like, I don't care. I know. That doesn't make you any different or better or worse in my eyes. But if you're like, as a bipolar. Yeah. Now we got something. I got something there with the bi, the bipolar. Hanley's got that joke. Oh, he does? Yeah. Shit, what's his? Hanley's is...
He said he was writing out the pros and cons for his girlfriend, and he wrote pro, bi, con, polar. Oh, that's a great joke. It's a great joke. They get to laugh on the bi. That's a great joke. Damn. All right, well, that's out. That's out. Yeah. But I'll noodle. Noodle, buddy. All right, hit me. I got a few ideas. Let me see what I got here, because I'm slunking. Yeah, I think I got some other stuff. Um...
Trying to see what else. Because I have like a few that are almost hitting. Oh, man. We have 800 Gilbert ticks. Oh, I know. This is... So a lot of these are jokes that I've either done on here or I'm doing on stage and they're either working but they're missing something. So I'm trying to... Yeah, a lot of these are ones that I've either tried here and I keep adding to. So I'm trying to think which ones. Yeah.
Lay it on me, baby. Well, this one I tried originally on the... I told her the story and now I'm doing it on stage and it's hitting so I want to maybe see if I can add to it. But, uh...
it's a story about me and gary going through security and the woman is awful to the other woman oh yeah you know when we say like lady enough and you know and then story and she goes this doesn't concern you and i say you know it does and then she yells out security and i'm like they all fucking hate you this woman yelling at all the tsa yeah she's yelling at everyone security i'm like you just cursed you yelled at all of them they all fucking hate you and then uh
And then, you know, Gary, my friend Gary chimes and he goes, this isn't the movie of your life. You're a nobody. Which that gets a laugh on stage. I'm saying that. And then she goes, well, you're short. Yeah. And he goes, lady, you should see me without my shirt on. I was like, dude, we had her. Yeah. That's the line that hits. And then I say, we're professional comedians. We could do better. But, you know, in that moment, you got to have his back. So I'm like, he does look good without a shirt on. You got to like back him up. Yeah. You know?
But you're scrambling. But I don't know what the next, like, I have a couple angles I have. Or, like, part is, like, one is, like, we went in there trying to, like, we went in there seeking justice to stop this woman for being rude to TSA. But did you just end up looking like a gay couple? No.
You just end up being like, he's got a good body. You should check him out. That's funny. And the other angle I had is either that or how we're professional comedians and that's what we hit her with. It's pathetic. Both of those are great. Well, the other angle is literally we are really good at insults. That's our job. Yes. To be quick with insults. It's like if you got into a fight with an MMA fighter and right as he got into a stance, he just shit his pants or something. That's good.
I don't know. Well, the funny thing is now you're killing with it. So it's almost like, yeah, we're comedians, but you got to let me have some time to write. You know, you can't pull out a desk and a chair while she's talking, you know. Also, there's something interesting about we talk about terrorism. This lady is like a mini terrorist. Yeah. She's terrorizing. There's no security for that shit.
That's how white women terrorize the workforce. Yes, yes, exactly. You only think about Al-Qaeda, but you don't think about... Yeah, yeah. I don't want to say Al-Karin because that's fucking too easy. Sure, that's easy. That would hit. I know, what? I'm not doing it. Don't do it. But it's like... But Al-Qaeda got through security. Yeah. And she can't even get through security. She can't even get through security, yeah. That's funny. She's got baggage, blah, blah, blah, something there. Yeah, she's got... Yeah, but the idea that a terrorist...
This is like the misdemeanor version of a terrorist. Right, right. This is like, we won't blow up your plane, but we will fuck up your afternoon. Yes, yeah. We won't blow up your plane, but we will fuck up your morning. Ah, I like it. Yeah, I'll play with it. There's stuff to noodle with there. Yeah, like... There's fucking popcorn. I can't stop. I know, me neither. I'm sure the people at home really appreciate us chomping this whole episode. I tried to chew over here, but yeah, I fucked up. It's so good. Thank you, Navs.
Yeah, that's funny. That's a lot there. You know, you can't have liquids on a plane, but you can have an attitude, something, you know. Yeah. There's a lot there. No security for cunts. I'll avoid that one. I'm like, well, you lady are a cunt. Everyone applauds. That's how I picture it. Cunt air. It's a horrible airline. Everybody's got an attitude. Yeah.
All right. Well, hey, good ep, good stuff. Hit the Patreon. We're cooking. I mean, I feel like we've been just banging with the guests and the eps and the- We might be drunkpod at gmail.com. Yeah, we got merch. Send us gifts. Whatever you got, we'll put it on the goddamn wall. I think we're moving soon, or we already have moved, so we'll put the new address up. What date you got there? Nashville, Albany, Toronto, Chicago.
Chicago, I assume, will be sold out by now. East Providence, Rhode Island, Tampa, Cleveland, Houston, West Palm, Buffalo. You get it. Samuel.com slash shows you the best. We love you guys. Hell yeah.
I'm all over the road as well in May of this month. We got Addison Improv in Dallas, one of my favorite clubs. Love that room. Bricktown Comedy Club in OKC. Classic. San Jose, I think, is getting moved for some TV bullshit. Stand Up Live in Huntsville, Alabama. Going back to the south. Minneapolis, Minnesota at the time.
The Pantages. Let's sell that out. Chicago's almost sold out. Maybe we'll be by this time. Cleveland, I need a lot of help, Cleveland. Come on out. We'll go to the casino. We'll do it up. We'll go to, what is it, Slotsky's? What's that place called in Cleveland? It's like that. Oh, Slimons. Slimons, yes. Classic. Best quim beef, baby. Great. And that's coming from a New York Jew, baby.
Bon Secours Wellness Arena. No idea. Oh, I'm doing some Burt shows. Going to the Dragway in Bristol, Tennessee. The Greek in L.A. All kinds of fun stuff. Irvine Improv in Cali in July. So, yeah, come on out. Say hello. Get a shirt. Get a glass. Toast it. Tilt it. Drink it up. We love you. Love you. Sunday's suspender. Archbark is feeling dangerous. About to launch here at noon. Remember.
