Ep 72: Simon Rex w/ Margarita
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Hey, hey, folks. Here we are. We might be drunk. We're really doing it. Sammy the Bull. We got Simon Rex on the horn. How are you there, fatty? Well, I'm not only am I zinging, I'm zanging. Jesus. That's how you know you're a fan when you use your lingo. I just saw a meme the other day and it was like, you know she likes you when she uses your slang. Yes. You know what I mean? But I'm such a fan of you guys that I've actually adopted your lingo. Wow.

Yeah, I heard my lady the other day. She goes, praise Allah. I was like, whoa, this is a soulmate here. I found the one. Then you fucked her and she goes, comedy. That's great. Dude, it's good to have you. We wanted you on for a long time. Yeah, I've wanted to be on a long time. Well, we did my pod. I had a pod called Nervous Rex that I just did to do something during the pandemic. And I had him on and I was butt naked on my end of the Zoom. He didn't know until the very end. Then I revealed that I was naked. So I'm surprised I'm even here.

Very impressive. Yep. Look great naked, by the way. What are you, 61? You do look great naked. 61, 60. Incredible shape. Great dong. Thank you. Beautiful butthole. You do have a great dong. Oh, you saw Red Rocket. Yeah. Fake dong. Oh, it was fake? Oh, yeah. Oh, I had to find, yeah. Oh, we had you. Come out and address it. So we kept it a secret context. I did a movie called Red Rocket where I have full frontal running down the street. You're amazing in the movie, by the way. Thank you so much.

I appreciate that. But fake dick because if it was real, it would have to be rated X. So that's the law in America. So not everyone knows that. So if there's any frontal in an American movie, it has to be fake because it's rated R. Got it. So that's how it works. Got it. So anytime you've seen like Vito Mortensen. Vigo. Vigo Mortensen. What kind of name is Vigo? I don't know.

That's Italian? Maybe it's Italian. Vigo. Are you talking about Eastern Promises? Is that the one? What was his movie where he hung dong and obviously Mark Wahlberg with the huge fake cock? Pull it up. Anyway. Well, how about Kevin Bacon in Wild Things? Is that fake? He had his dick out in Wild Things? Yeah, for no reason, too. It was literally the last scene in the movie. I don't remember. He's just naked in the shower. I was like, why?

It had to be fake. So any time... It's like reparations for all the tits we saw in that movie. They had to show a dick at the end. Just even it out. But you'd think Ken Big would go bigger in that movie because if it was fake, you might as well live it up a little. Yeah. It wasn't that big. Yeah, well... No, he looked all right, I think. Really? Yeah. I was jerking off. I don't remember. I didn't finish. What are we shaking back here? Captain Fantastic. Captain Fantastic. Well, that wasn't the dick one, was it? That wasn't the dick one. Oh, that was a good movie, though. That's what he called his dick. Great movie. Yeah.

But yes, Red Rocket, full dong, couple times flopped it out, but it was definitely still strange running around with a fake penis in the middle of... How did they do that? How did they put that on? Oh, you're right. That's it. It was... Oh, that's probably fake. Weird. That's a nice, decent dong. I mean, it's... Decent fake. ...softy. Because you believe it. It's like Steve Martin has a piece on his head, but it's receding. Right. Genius. Oh, that is from... Okay, so interesting. Well, I know... Are you going to blur that, Matt? How are we doing this?

It looks like my dad's. I'll tell you the worst part is the tattoo. I don't know what the hell is going on there. What is it? Well, he's a hippie dippy. Right. Oh. Have you not seen it? It's a great movie. Oh, what's it called? Captain Fantastic. Great movie. Great movie. So yeah, I had to put my penis in a bigger fake penis, which was just strange because it was a very low budget movie. So the director, Sean Baker's wife, who was like the acting coach on set because he

Most of his movies, like including Florida Project, Tangerine, he uses real locals in each town, not actors. That's cool. So I was like the only actor in the movie who had actually done something before. So it was kind of like, yeah, working with like a guy he finds on the street, a guy he finds in a restaurant.

So low budget and his wife is an acting coach who would give all of these local hires basically like a 101 in acting before they'd show up on set. And she also had to apply my penis. So it's acting coach slash penis applier. Whoa. Very low budget movie. To put it in perspective, it was a million dollar budget for the whole movie. Oh my God. What?

And we just shot an SNL skit and the budget for a three minute comedy video was a million fucking dollars, dude. I couldn't believe it. I was just like, how is this possible? Wow. And I hit up Sean Baker. I'm like, you're not going to believe because I sent him the video and he thought it was funny because the one note that everyone says is Red Rockets too long. Right. It's two hours and eight minutes, but every movie is too long these days. So that was sort of Pete's idea. They put the movie inside a longer movie. That's right. Exactly. Yes.

So anyway, man, it was very vulnerable to have this very sweet woman who's my friend's wife applying a prosthetic penis over my penis in the hot Texas humidity. Well, better than it's hot. Yeah, that's true. You don't want the cold weather out there. But we got a good movie out of it. Yeah, the movie's great. Check it out. I mean, I personally think you should have gotten nominated for an Oscar. Ooh.

That would have been crazy. It was a weird. Did you feel like you had a shot? Well, only because everybody was all these like Oscar pundits. Is that the word pundit? I want to sound smart. I think there's Oscar predictors, whatever. Like there's people whose whole life revolves around like predicting the Oscars, you know. And there was a lot of buzz that I would or should get nominated. But Sean Baker, who wrote and directed Red Rocket, was like Simon, just so you know, like.

The Academy's not going near this movie. I mean, the topic is me grooming a teenage girl. It's very dark. It's very dark. The story's upsetting, for sure. Yes. Which I love personally. It doesn't mean we condone it. We're just telling a story. But the Academy's a little older, white, conservative, and they weren't going to go near it. So I actually, and I know you probably won't believe me if I say this, but we woke up at like 5 a.m. when they announced the Oscar, like, you know, who's nominated. Nominated.

And when I didn't get nominated, I went right back to bed and slept like a baby because I don't know if I'm ready to live under that microscope. No, I'm with you. It scared the shit out of me. And everyone around me wanted it more than me. My mom, my agent, my manager, they all wanted it. I'm like, I don't really know if I even give a fuck.

Yeah. I'll take the Spirit Award all day. And that's kind of more of like, to me, kind of cooler. Yeah. To win the Indie Spirit Award. Yeah. I don't know. Maybe I'm just saying that because I'm lying to myself. No, I think. You won a good movie and you got a good movie. Ron Tomatoes put you as who should get nominated. Is that right? Ron Tomatoes said you should have gotten nominated. Oh, that's cool. Which is like a pretty big movie website. Big site. That's the big. Yeah. The site.

Yeah, Rotten Tomatoes, baby. Sean Baker, dude. What is this? So you said you like tequila. I love tequila. I feel like from what I've seen you do like other podcasts and stuff, you do a lot of like health kicks and vibes like that. Yeah. So we made a spicy cucumber margarita for you today. This is so good. So you get like a refreshing vibe, a little spice.

Get some endorphins rolling. Not bad. So now, can I ask a question? Because I hear you on the show now. Are you a bartender before? Yeah. You're a Jew? I'm not a Jew, but I'm a beer Jew. Oh, got it. Got it. Like the bear Jew. Got it. What is this right here? Is this like... Oh, that's a tahini. So it's like a citrus chili. Oh, my God. That's good. They use that in a lot of drinks. If you've ever had like a michelada or a

or Bloody Mary. You probably had this, yeah. Yeah, I just recently got into Micheladas because I live out in the desert and it's a real staple desert drink. Our Palomas and Micheladas are my new jam. And I'm not really much of a drinker, but when I do, this is my... I was going to do a Paloma, but we did it the other episode. We did what? Palomas. Oh, Palomas are great. Actually, I can still make one for you. Palomas are great. Maybe we'll do the next one. So I... I'm down. So yeah, what was I just going to say? Fuck, I had something. Oscar, Michelada desert drink.

- Michelada Desert Drink, Paloma. I'm not much of a drinker, but, oh yeah, I was gonna say, I'm sure you guys have brought this up before. Is it really a thing that tequila is the only alcohol that's a stimulant? - That's what I've heard. - And every other alcohol is a depressant, therefore alcohol being agave, like a cactus, not a wheat or a potato for whatever reason. And that's what I noticed. If I drink tequila, I kind of get in a good mood and I'm jazzy. And if I drink like whiskey, I kind of get dark.

Oh, yeah. And I think it's my dad's from like a trailer park in Louisiana and that side of the family comes up. Yeah, yeah. You know? And then my mom's a Lithuanian Jew. So I think the tequila, I don't know, something about my DNA, it doesn't agree with me like certain alcohols. Yeah, no, I get that. I can't drink anything. I'm all tequila all day. It's better for you. The hangover is better and the upper. That's what you drink on the road? Oh, yeah. I'm tequila all the time. Tequila soda with a lime. And then you won't drink.

really get hung over if you just stick if you just stick to tequila with some water like soda water and drink i i've been you know wasted all day and if you don't mix too much sugar and other alcohol you won't be hung over and that's the plan baby i want to ask you about the movie because you know that's a big dude to get a phone call from because i remember i saw florida project in the theaters with my mom not not knowing what i was walking into we just were like

hanging out we want to see a movie and i looked it up on rotten tomatoes and it was like 90 something percent all the reviews were like an incredible movie and it wasn't i didn't watch the trailer i like to not know what i'm walking into i watch your trailer going in but like i normally don't watch a trailer uh and i remember leaving being like shaking a little bit it's a pretty powerful movie it's very upsetting yeah he does that well he's good at making disturbing sort of uh little window in on

The margins of America where people usually don't make movies about like, you know, the sort of the, yeah, the outcasts of society. But he kind of, what he does so well is like he will shine a light on darker subject matter, but kind of make it beautiful. And like, you know, he's very good filmmaker. Let's just be honest. The guy knows what he's fucking doing. And I was just so surprised and fortunate. He called me to do this movie because it all happened very fast.

like the whole thing was a big accident you know the movie wasn't even supposed to get made it happened because of covid he was in pre-production on another movie and basically um he he couldn't go to canada to shoot this willem dafoe movie so he's like fuck i want to do this other movie i had an idea for so he wrote the script real quick hit me up he's like can you be in texas uh well i had to audition first on my phone send it to him of course i'm gonna do a movie with him and uh

He goes, I need you in Texas in three days. Did you think you were up against a lot of people? I was. I found out later there was some bigger actors, but he likes to go against the grain and not choose the obvious big name actors. And I don't know if I should say who, but just other middle-aged white guys my age that were up for it, that wanted it. But he goes, no, because then it would become the James Franco movie. I wanted to go surprise people. And by casting me, because I wasn't really working a lot, I think it was more of a...

brave choice than just going with a big name who you know is going to make money because he just was like, I don't want it to be the so-and-so movie. I want it to be an artist. Yeah, I like that. I don't think my name carries a lot of weight or maybe now my stock's up a little because of this movie, but at the time, he called me up, the phone wasn't ringing at all. Well, your stock went down when I heard that wasn't your real dick. Right. Yeah.

It was up for a minute. Yeah. The movie's great. Check out Red Rocket, everybody. What can people watch? Is it streaming on anything yet or no? It's on most video on demands now. It's like on all those, like, you know, iTunes and it's not like streaming on Netflix or Amazon yet, but you can rent it on Amazon in most places. So it's available. Uh,

And it obviously like did not do well in the box office as we came out the same weekend that Omicron kind of hit. And Spider-Man came out that weekend. - Omicron had a huge opening. - Yeah, Omicron was the remake.

So anyway, yeah, we didn't do well in the Spider-Man was the biggest movie. That's crazy. Everyone went to see that with their kids three times. But regardless, that's what Sean Baker told me when we did the movies like it's not going to make any money. People will see it over a long time. It's going to be one of those slow burns. And yeah, he was right.

But yeah, what a trip. I've been going nonstop. I wanted to do this podcast even earlier, but I was paying a publicist every month for like a six month window of time to sort of help me, you know, you know, parlay that movie into getting, you know, sponsorships, things like that. And they were a little wary of me doing a bunch of podcasts with my comedy friends because it's so easy to get a little soundbite if I say one dumb thing.

So, you know, they know that we have so many clients go on podcasts. We're just going to cut up. It was a fake dick. Yeah, exactly. It was a fake dick. Well, the campaign's over now, so I am done with the nine-month, you know, red rocket thing. Live your life. Say whatever you want. Can I suck everyone's dick? Yeah.

We got a clip, man. Yeah. No, that's awesome. I saw a clip of you. It was a round table of actors and Nicolas Cage was praising you. Dude, that was so weird. So that was one of those things. Yeah, it was weird. So I feel like, okay, like I feel like I got imposter syndrome even calling myself an actor until like this movie because I just feel like a fraud and I'm like, I have

low self-esteem and I'm an insecure Jew and I hate myself and self-tortured. I'm fucking your only child. No one loved me. Right. So therefore I don't really like to think of myself as like, uh, I don't know. I guess I'm extremely self-aware, but maybe to a fault. But when I was sitting at that actor's round table the whole time, I'm like, how did I trick everyone and get here? This is bullshit. I'm not one of these guys. Who else was it? It was me. It was, uh, uh, you know,

Who'd you just say? Nicolas Cage. Nicolas Cage, who fucking stole the show. He was just hamming it up the whole time. What's the other Spider-Man's name? Toby? No, the other one. Oh, Garfield. Yeah, Andrew Garfield. Peter Dinklage. Whoa!

I know. And then this guy, another one whose name escapes me, who is in a bunch of stuff. I can't remember his name right now. Anyway. I'm sure we could find that. Yeah. Well, sitting at that table, I had to just sit there and bite my lip because all I wanted to do was make fun of myself, make fun of the fact that I'm there. Yeah. But I had to really make a cognizant effort to like...

Just pretend you belong here forever. He's this publicist. I want this publicist. Yeah, they're great, man. My publicist, you know, they're basically... They're not cheap, by the way. They're not. They're called delusional. They're great. Not a bad name for a... So Nicholas Cage, he was praising you. He was saying how great you were. Yeah, he was.

Dude, he loved the movie. And he was like, I met him before we recorded. And he comes up. He's like, man, I watched the movie. You guys just made music together. It was so beautiful to watch. Wow. And I was just sitting back like, this is cool. It's kind of cool when you get props from people you admire. It does feel pretty good. Oh, that's the best. Normally.

You know, you get some fan hitting you on Twitter, this and that. That's the nice little compliment. But when it's like someone that you grew up watching, you're like, dude. Totally. I just watched. Oh, there it is. Like, how do I belong? Because I did one indie movie. I get to sit at that table. Like, what is life? Oh, that guy, the black guy. So good in that Western movie. It just came out.

On Netflix? Yeah, yeah. He's great, man. I forgot his name. Jonathan Majors. That's it. Was that the one with Idris Elba and everything? Yes. I heard it's awesome. It looked awesome. No, it was really cool. Yeah, super stylized. There'd be a cool Western shot with reggae music playing. Yeah. It was very well made. It was like a black Tarantino. I gotta watch it. It's called a Blarentino. Yeah.

uh but that's the part of showbiz nobody tells you about is acting normal around people you grew up watching or whatever like uh i watched the kanye doc and there's a part where bieber is talking to khan you could tell bieber is just like uh is it okay i don't want to bother you right kanye's like ah you're good you're good hang out bieber's like yeah yes sir and you're like bieber is selling out soccer stadiums he's a giant huge pop star billionaire and he's like nervous around this

Real artist. Right, right, right. Is there anyone else you met during this whole thing that you were nervous around? Bill Murray. I got dinner with Bill Murray. What? I know, I know, I know, I know. I'm not worthy of this. What the fuck? Buttfuck him, please. Please.

I know. So here's a funny story. So I'll tell you, I'll just give you the cliff notes. And look, I'm just a hero. Like it really truly is like, if you were to name one actor since the SNL heyday, who's just completely had the best trajectory, never fallen off, can do an indie movie and then go do a Marvel. Like he's the best. Like truly the best. I mean, I think about like,

just every era he dominated. Everything. Till now. Rushmore, it's like... Right, right, yeah. We were talking about what about Bob earlier, we were talking about Groundhog Day. Caddyshack. Dude, I remember with the movie with Quaid, he did Quick Change is a great movie. Oh, great movie, yeah. So we all agree, we can all agree he's sort of like on Mount Rushmore of sorts. Okay, so... For sure. Oh.

I was it was sort of at the end of Cannes Film Festival. We were out there. Our movie was nominated for the Palme d'Or, which is like a category. This is all new to me. So I'm explaining it because I didn't know this. But at the Cannes Film Festival, which is the Oscar of film festivals, there's certain, you know, different categories. And the main one you want is the Palme d'Or category. That's like the best movies get put in this like 10 movie slot. And ours made it into there, which in itself is like.

bucket list shit like just to be in that conversation totally what else is there we were there this guy who Caleb Landry Jones won for a lead actor for a movie called Nitrum which is Martin backwards about the mass shooting in Australia a lot of like art house indie movies that are just coming out now or maybe you missed

We were up against like the one Bill Murray was in. What's the Wes Anderson one? Oh, French Dispatch. French Dispatch. Oh, yeah. So, you know, you kind of just get a little mix of movies, but mostly kind of cool indie movies, right?

So anyway, Bill Murray's there for that movie. And at the very last night, after we found out we didn't get, you know, best movie or I was actually somehow in the conversation for best actor, which still is just hilarious. We go out to dinner with and the woman who was the head of the French distribution company as a surprise to me and Sean Baker, since she felt bad we didn't win, goes, hey, let's go to dinner. I got a surprise for you. So we're sitting at dinner and Bill Murray shows up. Wow.

And at this point, I'm so emotionally and mentally tapped out from like the five days it can of like the circus that was the camp. And you're probably doing a lot of interviews and stuff. Yeah, I was just zapped out. I didn't know he was coming. And I say, hey, Sean, can I get an edible? He brought edibles with him. So I eat an edible because I'm like, we're done. I'm having dinner. And Bill Murray comes and I'm not only exhausted, but I'm so high. I got nothing.

You know when you get too high and you're like locked up? Oh, totally. And it was like edible high where you're like fucked up and tired. And I'm just sitting there with them. And it was kind of like the round table thing. I was just saying, I'm like, act like you belong here. I'm a total piece of shit. He's the best. So I'm sitting there with them and he's like feeling that I'm being kind of quiet. So he keeps like slapping me on the knees. Like, so what's up? I'm hearing about your movie. He's engaging with me.

being really cool. And, and we're drinking wine and we're hanging out and he's fucking with the waiter, but in like the coolest way, watching him interact with the world. Like he was like improvving with everyone. Yeah. But in this way, that was really interesting to watch because people would come up and bother him, but he would deflect it in this way. That was like, these aren't the droids you're looking for. Right.

Like he was a Jedi at dealing with fans. Yeah. I remember just sitting back and I know I was high, so I was overanalyzing, but I was just watching him going, take notes, learn from this guy. He knows how to do it. And like, we're walking through the streets of Cannes in France and like people are coming up drunk and rowdy. And he literally would just do like a, Hey, what's up? And like a spin move off of them and like somehow not bum them out or whatever.

It was magical to watch. Yeah, yeah. It was magical to watch. But I was just kind of quiet and awkward. So I see him the other night at the Vanity Fair party. And I'm like, redemption time. I got to go talk to him. Right? Yeah. So I go up to him and they had In-N-Out catering. So he was finishing an In-N-Out burger. And I roll up to him in my tuxedo and I look at him. I go, hey, Bill, do you remember me? We had dinner in Cannes. And he looks me up and down.

takes his burger wrapper, puts it in my inside pocket of my jacket, slaps the pocket. He goes, yeah, we had dinner at a Middle Eastern restaurant and walked away. Like, yeah, but he did it. But again, he did it in a way that was like, yeah, I remember. I'm not going to hang out with you, but you're cool. Here's a funny little joke. I'm out. And I was just like,

It was just incredible. That's bucket list shit right there. Holy hell. Yeah, so, you know, I got to have dinner with Bill Murray. That was a very long-winded answer to your question. That was kind of the best. Like, from there, I'm like, okay, how am I going to top this one? You know, like, dinner with Bill Murray in France? Like, all right. Maybe your next movie happens again. You're at the Vanity Fair party again the next night. And you just have to try to navigate a Groundhog Day-type friendship with Bill Murray. That's your movie. Yes. I'll be Chris Elliott.

Who's my favorite? I love Chris Elliott. I heard he turned down Dumb and Dumber, Jeff Daniels' role for Dorito's ad campaign. Whoa. Which is crazy because you're like, I mean, obviously Jeff Daniels crushes that movie, but so would Chris Elliott would have too. He would have too, but now I can't see it any other way because it was so good. Because Jeff Daniels crushes it. He was fucking great. And Chris Elliott, I don't know if you guys are of my, I'm older than you guys by a good decade. Get a Life was when Fox first came out.

came out. It was Married with Children and Get a Life were these experimental sitcoms. Yes. And Get a Life, Chris Elliott played a 30-year-old paper boy and it was my favorite show and I used to record them and like I was obsessed because to me he's the most fearless, comedic, silly guy who's willing to look like a total asshole. I remember Cabin Boy.

Cabin Boy. Dude, he's the best. He's honestly one of my favorites. There was something with Gary Goldman. I know he, our boy Gary Goldman. Gary Coleman? Isn't he dead? No, Gary Goldman. The Jewish Gary Coleman. Great stand-up. But Goldman, they had something over a bit, and I remember Chris Elliott called him being like, I think you're a great comic. Whoa! So I thought that was such a cool thing. That's awesome. And his daughter is funny, too. Yeah, Abby. Abby.

Yeah. She's on SNL or she was. And so his nephew is one of the writers who I just met because I shot this skit with Pete Davidson for like a little rap video and I got to hang out with the writers. Yeah, it was funny. The movie. It was that movies are too long was the song. Yes, which is true. When he pitched it to me, I was like, I have been having this conversation a lot lately with my friends. Like, when did movies get to be two hours and 40 minutes again? Like...

A lot of them are long. I just saw this movie, Red Rocket. It was two hours and eight minutes. It was ridiculous. That's the one note we got is it's too long. But Sean will stand by the fact. He's like, yes, but every scene pushes the story forward. I needed it. Yeah, tell that to Epitow. And in this video, I say to Pete Davidson at the end, oh, well, what about King of Staten Island? He's like, well, it needed it. It's kind of like what I just said. Yeah, yeah. So he addressed it. That's funny. That's funny. Oh.

But wait, what were we talking about? You were talking about how you were doing the SNL thing. Oh, right. And Chris Elliott's nephew is one of the head writers. And I tell him, I go, dude, like your uncle's like truly one of my inspirational heroes for comedy. And he's like, well, maybe he's a phone call away. Let's shoot a skit. What? Yes. That's a bucket list thing to shoot a little skit with Chris Elliott. Whatever it is. I don't know what for. I'm there. Yeah.

What's he doing now? Is he just sitting at home waiting for the phone to ring? No, he's on Schitt's Creek. He's on Schitt's Creek. Oh, I haven't seen Schitt's Creek. One Emmy. Yeah, he's the mayor. Oh, great. All right, just checking. I want him to be working. He's the mayor of the biggest sitcom bunch, or sitcom. I guess it's like a single camera. It's not a sitcom. To show how we get rolling in our bubble. I don't even know he was on that. There's too much shit on it. It's literally the biggest comedy of the last 10 years. People love it. What about...

So how does SNL thing happen? So, okay. So obviously, again, being a comedy nerd my whole life and just being a stand-up guy, like going to see stand-up all the time and living in New York in the 90s and going to the cellar and watching, you know, everyone from Chappelle to, you know, Berg, Bollinger.

closing the place out for 10 people at 2 in the morning. I've been a comedy nerd forever. So SNL was always a dream. And it's funny how life works. I couldn't even get... That's a tough room to even get in to audition, right? Of course. And as you know, they farm talent and develop talent more than they bring someone on. Besides Kenan from Kenan & Kel, who's on it now, I don't think they ever took an existing famous actor or a famous anyone. They kind of create your fame, right? And develop. They don't really...

So by the time that I was a VJ on MTV in the 90s, I think that window had closed because I had another thing so they wouldn't even meet with me. But it was always a dream. So anyway, the other day, Pete Davidson calls me up. I only played basketball with the guy once. I don't really know him, but he got my phone number from my manager. He's like, dude, I watched Red Rocket three times. It's my favorite movie of the year. I just think that movie was amazing. And I see you live out in the desert. Wow.

You want to hang out sometime? I was like, yeah, dude, sure. You seem like a cool guy. And we ended up hanging out. And he is super cool. He just kind of reminds me of someone I'd hang out with in high school. He's a big sweetheart. And I think he just dug the movie and wanted to hang out. So he basically just hit me up. He goes, can you fly to New York tomorrow and shoot this SNL comedy rap skit? I know you don't rap anymore, but would you do it? I was like, of course I'll fucking do it.

just to be a part of SNL. Of course, of course. So yeah, man. And it's a lower pressure thing where you don't have to like host a whole episode. You just get to be, come in and be funny. It's like, it's like you just come in and pinch hit, you get a single, you're good, you know? Yeah. It was a funny thing. I watched it cause I was, I never get out early, but these shows, but I was in Rochester. The late show was at like 915. So I was in my hotel room just like,

Yeah, fuck it. I'll watch SNL. It's Gerardo. Let me watch it. Oh, yeah. And I stuck around for years. And I bailed after that because I was tired. That's all right. No, you were great. Thanks, man. It was fun. It was fun. And that... I'm sorry. No, no. Like you said, bucket list shit. Did you do the party and everything? Yes. Did you soak it all up? Of course. I went to the after party, hung out with everyone. And so Lorne Michaels, who I really just wanted to meet just because it's Lorne Michaels and

So he was sort of sat, it was at a restaurant and he sort of was sitting up top in like the King section and Chris Rock comes by. - What? - To hang out and Jimmy Kimmel's there. And I guess this is normal. You know, if anyone's in town, they come to the SNL after party. So I'm there mingling with the writers and I see Kimmel, I say hello. And then I see Chris Rock. I asked the producers, hey, I would love to meet Lorne at some point and thank him because they said he loved Red Rocket. You should meet him.

So I wanted to meet him, but then I see him and Chris having like a deep talk at the table in like the big boy section. And of course they're talking about the slap heard around the world. And I didn't want to, I just kind of like, I was, I didn't want to just go interrupt them and be like, Hey, thanks for having me. Sorry to interrupt Chris Rock. Like I kind of just realized like, just leave them alone, you know? So I didn't get to meet him, but it's all good.

You'll meet him. You'll meet him. Yeah, another time, yeah. I met him once. He looked right through me, but at least I got to say I met him. What happened? I was at the after party. I can't remember who I was there with, Che or Colin Jost or somebody, and then Lorne came up to talk to Colin, and he was like, oh, this is Mark, and Lorne's like,

And then he kept talking. But I got a meat. You got a meat. He's got a huge mitts. Dick, dick, big dick. Oh. Yeah, yeah. I can see that. Huge what? Yeah, for sure. Mitts. He shook my hand. I was like, Jesus. Oh, that means big dick. Is that right? I mean, big hands, big dick, right? Isn't that mathematically? I heard it was a fake. Oh, yeah. It's crazy that he's Dr. Evil.

I know, right? Oh, shit, that's right. Isn't that crazy that Mike Myers is like, Dr. Evil is Lorne. If you watch it, you're like, he's just doing Lorne. Yeah, one million dollars. Yeah, it's all Lorne. First Austin Powers is not talked about enough as one of the great comedy movies ever. We need more comedies, man. I was just talking about this with Pete. He's like, what happened to the buddy comedy? What happened to like, and I was like, let's do one and bring it back. The buddy comedy? Yeah. Come on. What happened to,

anything like you and Peter too your vibes are too you're both cool is a problem one of you needs to be a loser I could play a dork you could play a dork but but

I just miss even like scary movie, Airplane, Naked Gun, David Zucker. Well, you're in scary movie. I was, and I got to experience working with David Zucker, who, again, like molded me as a child watching. That sounded weird. That sounded weird. It's groomed. He groomed you. You can tell who's the loquacious one here because I still have half a drink or who's the alcoholic. This is what Bert did to us when he was on our show. He goes, catch up. Take your time. Oh, easy, Rex. Catch up.

You don't want to go. Don't push it. Don't push it. Well, you guys got to understand. I'm such a fan of both of you guys. I want to make it weird. I listen to every single. I spent 78% of my last year of the pandemic pretty much in solitude in hotel rooms, airplanes, traveling around promoting this movie. But like you guys, I live in hotel rooms alone. Yeah. And I don't have a lot of friends or girlfriends. So what do I do? I listen to podcasts to sort of talk.

to someone or something, right? So I listen to all your guys' shit and end up talking back to it as if we're hanging out. So you're dropping a peeve, you're dropping a wreck. I'm not only getting the wreck, I'm downloading the book that you recommend. Oh, yeah, I even went as far as to get one you recommended that was...

What was his name? Bernie Brillstein? Yes. Oh, yeah. He wrote that to me. That was my rec. And that was your rec. And then the Norm MacDonald audio book is incredible. Incredible. I don't think you guys rec that one. No, but I have that. Oh, my God. Incredible. He's such an incredible writer. I know. It's not just funny. It's his story, and he writes it like a film noir. Like a Hunter S. Thompson book. Yes. Yeah, yeah. It's great. Oh, it's so good. Boy, I wish you were my dad.

This is great. You're really... You said something about the buddy comedy. I agree so much. I really think it's one of the most fun types of movies, and I don't know what... There's a few in the last...

or so that I think were killer. Nice Guys and The Guard. Oh, yeah. That's a guard. They're both Don Cheadle and Brendan Gleeson. Oh, never saw that. It's a John Michael McDonough movie. It's phenomenal. Really? All right, that's a wreck. That's a wreck, baby. But Nice Guys is another one with Russell Crowe and Ryan Gosling. I love that movie. Shane Black, dude. I mean, but that is like the best...

that's like a genre that should never not work. It's the odd couple, but with action. And where, yeah, exactly. Like Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker. Rush hour is amazing. The first rush hour is an amazing movie. Amazing. And he says the N word quite a bit. Yeah. Uh,

Oh, he does? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And it's fun. It's great. It's great. The N-word can be fun. This is the clip of the episode. They're like, Simon, you're out of contention for any awards. Mark Richards is like, I don't know. I don't know.

So going backwards a little bit to like the scary movie spiel, David Zucker, Airplane Naked Gun, scary movie. To get to work with Leslie Nielsen and, you know, I got to work with the gods. I think I sent you guys a couple of things when we opened up a little line of dialogue because you had mentioned something about Leslie Nielsen and I was telling you like his fart story. He had the fart machine. He'd go around as an 80-year-old guy. Amazing.

playing fart pranks on people with a remote control fart machine. And he started as like a Shakespearean actor. Yeah, yeah. Leslie Nielsen. He was like a well, what do you call it? A respected, serious, dramatic actor. So David Zucker told me, and I think this is what I told you guys. He goes, he came into audition for Naked Gun.

and he's delivering the lines comedically. We go, no, no, no, no, no. Read it like you did in all your dramatic movies. And he just read the line seriously, and he said they fell on the floor laughing. And he's like, that's all I got to do? They're like, yeah, just say it normal. It's funny. And he's just like, oh, I got it. And then...

That was basically his career. We've all seen people oversell jokes and it's funny how you could be saying something funny and it strips the funny out of it. Yeah. It's like a joke on a joke. It takes away from it, which is interesting too because David Zucker gave me the 10 rules of comedy in a movie that him, his brother, and Jim Abrams was the other writer. Yes, yes. They wrote the 10 rules of comedy. Oh, lay it on me. It's like a Bible. And for that type of movie-

- There's a formula that you have to abide by. And if you go outside of these 10 rules, the jokes won't work. One of them was you can't have two jokes happening at once. So if you're watching Naked Gun and they're in the front and they're having dialogue and in the back there's some shenanigans happening, like someone's getting stung by a bee. If they're being funny in the front, it cancels out the joke in the back.

So there's all these little specific rules like that. I'll get you guys the list. Please. But it's only applied to his type of movie. Not every movie. Okay. Just the spoof genre. You know, the parody type movie. Got it, got it. Because they parodied like Police Squad was like a spoof of like a police show. Yeah. Naked gun of a detective. Police Squad has some of the best one-liners. Ever. Oh, yeah. Like a blind man at an orgy. I'm going to have to feel my way around. And delivered. Psst.

Perfectly sincerely. Like a midget urinal, I was going to have to stand my toes. Yeah, so good. So good. I heard of Charlie Chaplin once in an interview or somewhere, an article, and they were like, all right, let me try to be funny. Let me try to be funny. I'll come up with a creative scene, like the interviewer guy. And he was like, okay, we got a manhole in the middle of the street. You walk up, you fall in it. That's comedy, right? And Charlie Chaplin was like, no, no, comedy is I walk up, see the manhole, and

a guy walks by he falls in it wait hold on i fucked that up give that a google i that's out there but i've heard you tell this before no it's okay but maybe most 72 percent of listeners haven't i know this one but yeah but it was just like it's about the misdirect you think you think you know it and then you're right and that's what it is and that's comedy that's comedy baby maybe maybe he steps on it and then like you know or something oh my god yeah yeah you

You jarred it. Yeah. So it's a street with a manhole. Charlie Chapman's walking to the manhole and gets hit by a car. That's comedy. You think he's going to fall in the manhole, but it's a surprise. Yeah. There you go. There it is. So dude, scary movie. That was a Weinstein movie, right? Yes, that was the Weinstein. So yeah.

It's still not really clear to most people and I always clear the air. So basically the Wayans brothers did Scary Movie 1 and 2. Yeah. Then they had a falling out with the Weinsteins and they wanted a very large amount of money. So the Weinsteins being the gangsters that they are go, fuck you. We're going to go hire David Zucker and take your story and make it better. Damn.

And that's what they did. Well, that's up to the audience to decide if it's better. But they basically were like, we own this now. I know you created Scary Movie. Did they still get paid off? I'm sure they must have got some type of commission. I don't know. But regardless, the Weinsteins were just like, they were like such a fuck you to them. They're like, we're going to go hire...

David Tucker, to take your idea. I can't believe the Weinsteins did something bad. I know, it's unbelievable. Yeah, right? And yeah, so that was a Weinstein movie. And whenever Bob or Harvey would come down to set, everyone kind of changed their tune. It was like this comedy set that was all silly and funny from Kevin Hart to Anthony Anderson. Crack, I got to work with George Carlin. He was in Scary Movie 3. I forgot that.

Yeah, he was in it. So I didn't have a scene with him. But when I saw he was on the call sheet, I went to work that day and I wasn't even working just to like watch him work. Whoa. And Carlin was there and he was just kind of quiet. And like, again, I didn't like don't pet the lion. Just observe it. I didn't bother him. But it was cool just to like be on set with fucking Carlin. Wow.

I know. That's like a bucket list one right there. See, you're like a comic. You're like us where you have low self-esteem and you appreciate good shit whereas other people just go, I'm the man. I should be – Carlin should be beating me. No. You don't have that. I hate myself. And I – It's not just that. It's having the awareness to not – like I don't want to – like I never want a story where it's like I meet someone I look up to and I ruin it. Like that to me is – if I meet him and it's just like, hey, I just wanted –

It would be quick. Like, I just want to tell you, I really admire your work. That's the most I'm going to, I don't want to, I don't want a story with them that's negative. That would be horrible. Right. Which often happens. You'll meet your heroes. You're like, I wish I never met them. Fuck, it ruined it. I know.

But yes, that's I think I hear you guys talk about this a lot, too, with your peeves about sort of I think like it's like half the population just truly isn't self-aware of like the things they're saying and doing. It's like the asshole that lands on the plane. You ever know? There's always this guy when the plane lands and everyone turns their phone on.

The one guy is just talking as if he's alone in his living room. I know. And you're hearing his whole business. Yes. And you're like, dude, we're right here. I'm so neurotic that when my phone goes on, I'm like, I got to call you back. I'm around people. I don't want to disturb someone. That's a mentally ill person. Who does that? I don't know. That's a CEO or some shit. There's something wrong. Yeah, but to be like, hey, Steven. I'm like, this is how loud you're talking? I know.

No, I know. In public? No, it happens all the time, though. All the time. I see it every flight, basically. And then you're kind of jealous of them, too. You're like, boy, I wish I had a little of that in me. Yeah, well, that's exactly right. If I had that, I probably would be a lot more successful. Yeah. I would be on top, but instead I don't want to bother anyone. Right. Like, I'm such a fucking, like, I don't want to say I'm such a nice guy, but I'm so overthoughtful and Jewish.

that when I was shooting the SNL skit the other night, I had a driver waiting for me for six hours. And Pete was like, hey, why don't you just come with me after to my place and we'll hang out and have a beer after work. So I tell the producer at SNL, like, you should let my car go because I'm going to go with Pete and you're just wasting money. And they're like, it's okay, Simon. Yeah. NBC Universal. We got the money. Like we're spending a lot of money on this video. But I truly felt bad

that they were wasting no i do the same and i'm like let him go home he's getting paid don't worry about it and then and and then even further i did this when pete called me he goes you went to the car and you sucked his dick because you felt bad i felt bad for the guy you're waiting a long time so i basically got a call very last minute to come do this snl job and he goes just book your flight in your hotel we'll pay you back

I don't want to assume they're flying me first class. Right. I buy myself a coach ticket and I get the cheapest hotel in Chinatown. I get here, they go, Simon, why did you get... You're my guy. It's like looking in the mirror here. Dude, and I was like, why didn't one expect any... They go, Simon, we have so much money to throw. They're like, we're flying you home first class. I'm like, thank you, but I didn't want to expect anything.

Right. Like, I felt bad. I get it. But they're like, Simon, we have so much fuck you money. Like, don't worry about it. If we ever work again, like, we'll fly you first class. I'm sitting in coach, like, fucking. And I just sort of. You're what, 6'3"? I'm 6'2 and a half. Yeah. It's not fun sitting in coach. Well, it's not. But I did splurge. And I got the extra leg room in the front. Oh, easy there, two-faced. Yeah, I know. Who do you think you are? Sinatra? But like, I. This might be why you guys got on the train. All right. You know, I don't want to impose. I don't want to push it. All right.

I'm going to Auschwitz, but this is the extra leg room on the way to the train. Do you think I could get another one of these bad boys? Yeah, what are you doing? Come on. The guy's thirsty. Cucumber and alcohol is an amazing combo, by the way. It's so true. It's so good together. So, yeah, I'm that guy, but I need to start to maybe... I think we're the idiots because... Maybe...

why who cares about NBC Universal? They'll spend it and write it off anyway. Why do I care about, but we're thought we're, we're considerate. No, but also if they, first off, if they're, if they're asking you to fly to New York and be on SNL, it's crazy for them to not fly. You first class. I just don't. Yeah, no, I'm the same way. I mean, I remember I did, uh, I did what's the show, uh, cordon LA. They're not covering the ticket. I was like,

Really? I'm going to be there anyway. Yeah, they didn't cover the plane ticket. It's CBS. Yeah, it's a good point. I'm doing stand-up on their show. It's crazy. But I mean, I was there anyway, but it's crazy. It's crazy, yeah. They gave you a hotel.

I hope. I don't think they did. Wow. They expected you to be a local out of LA or something when you shot it? Maybe. I mean, whatever. But that's how I saw this too. I'm like, okay, even if I come out of pocket 500 bucks out of my own money, that's a good investment to do SNL. Of course. Are you kidding me? That's a hilarious reason to not do SNL. Fuck that. I know, right?

No, for sure. That's how I feel. I'm like, I'm going to be out there anyway at the TV spot. Right. But it is crazy when corporations this big. I'm like, you're not going to spend, you can't buy a flight? I'm on your show, cunts. I took a flight from Florida two days ago. I got recognized on the flight. I'm in a middle seat. And some guy goes, hey, I'm a fan. I'm like, oh, yeah. And he goes, middle seat? I'm like, yeah.

I fucked up. I got low self-esteem. What are you going to do? Yeah. I kind of relate to you guys because I did a sort of a – I did this comedy rap persona for years. That's the thing I did for SNL was this character called Dirt Nasty. And I basically lived the life of a comic. I would fly from –

Reno to Portland, stay in a shitty hotel, watch TV until 11 o'clock and go do an hour set basically. But it was like a musical comedy act. But I lived the life of like a struggling comic. And I remember reading in Steve Martin's autobiography about how he'd get home from a set and he would just be buzzing. He'd be so tired, but the energy of the room, he's just staring at the ceiling in some hotel room.

alone like having this magic kind of feeling that you can't share with anyone and you're just in a room alone I'm like I totally relate to your guys life and I feel like being in the trenches and going through the country and like performing live is the most magical cool fucking thing but god damn does it

fucking beat you up it wears on you the traveling the drinking the socializing like I'm 47 now like you have to manage the socializing if you want this career because if you hang out with everyone in every city you're not going to last long you got to pick and choose tonight's a rest night thank you so much hey man I remember those songs my dick was a banger yeah

That was a big song. That was big. Yeah, that was a big dick. It went platinum, actually, and that was crazy. My music manager called. I just feel like I'm bragging. I'm sorry. No, that song was... People know that song. That's a big dick. My dick. So that song...

Pull it up. My dick cost a late night fee. Yo dick got the HIV. I remember that. Play a clip, Matt. People know the song. Matt, can you pull that up? We never did a music video, so this is the only video. It's like still photos. Went straight to DVD. So that's Andre Legasio.

So it's Mickey Avalon, Andre Legacy, and me. Damn. And this is me right here. This one's me. That's me. Yeah, we get it. It's too Gary Coleman reference for me. Yeah.

So that song... Who came up with, we got dicks like Jesus? Who came up with that line? I can't remember. But I do remember the guy with the deep voice. He's Andre Legacy. He's sort of like the gruff kind of guy on the song. I remember him coming over because I make music as a hobby. He was like, let's do a song called My Dick. And I remember going, let me guess what it's about. He's like, no, no, hear me out. I'll be like, My Dick?

Yo, dick. And I go, that's the worst idea ever. So to shut you up, I'm going to make a beat in five minutes. That's the one that goes platinum. That's the one that became my whole hit. So you made this beat? I made the beat. The beat is catchy as hell. Thank you. I read an article about you. I don't know if it was New York or New York Magazine or something, but the woman interviewing you, she was kind of rolling her eyes a little bit. And by the end, she could tell she really liked you. Oh, really? Yeah. And she even mentioned the song, My Dick. She was like, look, I don't love the lyrics, but I can't deny it's a fucking banger. Yeah, dude. You can't deny.

Uh,

It's a catchy one. It is. And I remember actually we worked with this, like when we got signed to Interscope Records, all of a sudden we're working with these like record executives and like, you know, all these big producers coming on board and they actually, if anything, they kind of sabotage what worked, which was, it was me and my two friends fucking around in my spare bedroom. Yeah. And then once all of a sudden you put us in the big studio with the big producers, the magic's gone. It's like, it was no longer three guys fucking around making each other laugh. It was like, there's expectations, a budget, show up here at eight o'clock.

and make something magic. It's like, wait, we were just fucking around. We don't know what we're even doing. Yeah. Dudes in suits and clipboards. Like, here's what doesn't work about your dick. No, but one of them goes, you know, before we put this out, they go, there's a lot of holes in my dick. And I was like, yeah, that's the best one.

That was the best. He didn't even realize what he said. Your dick's a little flimsy. Or my dick, sorry. It's so catchy, though. I mean, were you going out to bars and clubs that would just be on and you'd be like, this is hilarious? Yeah, I mean, it definitely was sort of like our fan base was a very collegiate, frat house, suburban, white, kind of like rowdy crowd. So we would go do shows.

And to this day, people like that song just sort of has legs because I think someone will always be 19 years old and think that's funny that they're saying my dick. You know what I mean? It's just like, it's foreverly immature. But it went platinum about four years ago. My music manager calls me up and he goes, I got a surprise for you. Come by the office. And I come by the office.

And he holds up a plaque, one million units sold. He goes, it took us 15 years, but you're a platinum artist. Wow. So I got the plaque, but I also can't hang it on the wall because I feel like I'm bragging. So it's just in my storage bin. I get it. But I got a platinum fucking plaque.

This is what Jewish rappers are like. They're like, I'm going to put it in the attic. I don't want to brag. And I live in a tiny fucking shoebox of a place so you wouldn't be able to escape the brag. You're in the desert? I live in Joshua Tree, yeah. Because I did your podcast, too. And I remember I was like, wait, where are you? It was on Zoom. Yep, that's right. We both did them pretty close. Yeah, I moved out to the desert right before COVID hit.

coincidentally happened to move to the middle of nowhere for the pandemic. It was just good timing. I just, after being in San Francisco, New York and LA for my whole life, I think I just fucking talk about peeves. Human beings started really annoying me. And I was like, this isn't good. Everyone's annoying. Maybe I'm got the problem here. Right.

So anyway, I was like, I couldn't stand like LA, the energy in LA. As you guys know, I'm sure you guys live here. You know, LA is just sort of this fucking vortex of narcissistic, delusional, weird energy. And after 20 fucking years, I was like, I can't be in LA anymore, but I need to be close enough to where if the phone rings for work, I got to be around. So I'm not moving to Costa Rica, but.

So I basically just moved out to Joshua Tree where you can still afford to buy like a little piece of land, to have a little humble little house, but I'm in nature. I just wanted to be in nature away from everybody. Midlife crisis shit. Damn. Yeah, so I did it. I moved out in the middle of nowhere.

Half the time. I live on the road half the time. But you're going to stay in LA, you think? I'm going to have to get a place eventually back in LA, but I was thinking about coming to New York, but then after about a week here, I'm like, I don't know if I could do New York either. New York's a lot. It's a lot, and I did it. You texted me that some guy was fucking with you on the street. Oh, yeah. Some dude pulled out a... That was crazy. Some guy...

That was crazy. I was walking down the street and some guy's rapping a song and I just was in a good mood. So I rapped along with him. Just thinking like, I know that song. And then he looks at me, goes, I kill white people. And I go, oh boy. And I forget what I...

responded with i think i laughed or something and then um just something about being jewish or something oh yeah oh yeah that's what that's what it was i go i'm not white i'm jewish and thinking that would help yeah yeah right and that always that always lessens the blow and then he said something like i'm i forget where he said he was from but he didn't like he said i'm uh a

Palestinian or something like that. And then all of a sudden he beelines it over to a car and starts going like he's looking for a weapon. What? And I'm hiding behind a car and he's come. It became the whole chicken around the thing. And I'm like, I'm this guy. And I was like, Jesus Christ, I just walk out of the hotel and already I'm about to get murdered for being white Jew and whatever. Yeah. He's trying to rap. Yeah. I was trying to rap with the guy. So I was like, yeah, that's right. New York. You got to just not don't don't get too involved with the crazy. Just let it be. You know, it's like, yeah,

Don't look them in the eyes. Don't look like that whole deal. But you're a good looking, single, fun, tall, cup of jizz. Thanks. Cool guy. A successful guy. And you're single. You must be cleaning up. I mean, I remember my ex-girlfriend, when I was really young, was watching Felicity. And you fucked Felicity. Yeah, I did. And she was like, he's so hot. Oh, my God. This is years ago. So I got a beef. That's all right.

But, I mean, you must just, you know, clean up out there. Well, I used to when I was hornier and younger. Now I am a little freaked out by just like hook in this day and age. Yeah, yeah, that's true. Not even just because of the culture that we're in, but also I just don't have the time. And I liken it to standing in line at the –

Disneyland, right? Like when you're a kid, you'll stand in line for three hours for a 30 second ride. The older you get, you're looking at that line like... That's a great analogy. I don't want to wait. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Stand in the sun for four hours for a quick... Also, I'm in Orlando. Right. Exactly. It's a bummer. Yeah. Right. But it's just not... To me, as you get older, it's just not...

like you're doing the math like as you get older the prefrontal cortex is evolved enough to fast forward the tape a day yeah I want to be with this person tomorrow in bed awkwardly not worth it you know it's so it took me a very long time to get to that place but now I'd rather just go home and rub one out and not deal with a human being and it works it works like damn you're like oh my god you come in you're like oh my god if a person was here I would be miserable yeah I made the right choice yeah exactly I mean but I feel like this this movie has opened up a lot

for you like you're gonna be in a lot of stuff coming up oh yeah like this is I feel like the next couple years are gonna be the year the years of Simon it might be it's weird fucking Steven Spielberg called me in for an audition I know I know I went to audition for fucking Spielberg I know but fuck him

again I feel like I'm bragging I hate this shit but it's so cool it's like I'm sharing the story because this is so it's almost like it's not even happening I'm watching this movie happening then it's not even me right uh but yeah Spielberg I get a call the other day so anyway I do the audition and uh

they write me back and say, "You're not right for this role, but you did a good job and we look forward to reading you again in the future." - Okay. - So it wasn't a failure in the sense that I'm on the radar and I didn't bomb it, which is enough, right? - That's huge. - But the fact that Steven fucking Spielberg even saw this little movie I did in Texas a year and a half ago, he's like, "What the fuck?"

Wow. It's hard to even understand. And then the other night I was in L.A. and I was presenting an award at the Producers Guild Awards. It's not televised, but it's a very insider Hollywood thing. And I remember showing up and I go, whoa, this is a heavy room. I look at the table next to me and it's Spielberg, Lucas, Jon Favreau. Is that how you pronounce it? Favreau? Jon Favreau. You know...

the biggest in the fucking world and I'm just looking at the table going, oh my God, that's Star Wars. That's Raiders of the Lost Ark. That's E.T. That's the new Star Wars. Like it doesn't get bigger than that table right there. - Yeah, Iron Man. - Every, yeah, exactly. Like the biggest shit. And I was just like, again, feeling that thing of like, why am I here? Like, how did I get in this room with these guys? So I'm backstage and I'm about to present an award for best reality programming to RuPaul.

And I'm backstage as George, as Steven Spielberg is giving a lifetime achievement award to George Lucas and giving this incredible speech. Wow. 10 minutes long saying you were always, you know, the other director and me and you had a friendly competition, but you're the best and we made each other better. And I'm backstage like, I got to follow this and give out a fucking RuPaul. Like,

And there's some other actors like, good luck following that. And I had to go read some horribly written joke that the teleprompter like. Something about Jada Pinkett Smith? No, this was before. This was before that.

And I remember after the joke bombed, I just took a dramatic pause and I quickly said, I didn't write that joke. And that got a laugh in the room. So it diffused it a little. I was like, all right, I save faith. But it was still one of those things like, how the fuck do I walk on the stage after this speech? Yeah. Well, you love movies. You grew up loving movies. I mean, Mark and I are the same way. You listen. We talk about movies all the time. Like, it's...

Yeah, it always comes back to movies somehow. It distracts us from life. It's like, it's our escape. It's like, we do the road and shit. You do the same thing. We're in the hotel room. A movie's on. We're like, I'm saved. Are you guys readers? Do you read a lot of books or do you find that you'll read a book and you can't... I can't retain the information so much. I'll read a book and think I'm smart and then...

I don't remember much of it at all. Really? I don't retain information very well. Yeah. I like good books. If I pick up a good one, sometimes if it's something, it's all about what interests me. I have bad ADD, so if it's something that I'm into, I'm done with it in two days. But if it's something that I'm...

If it's something that doesn't naturally interest me as much, I have to do the audio book. Oh, yeah. And I'll do it on watch. But if it's something that I can really be into, then I'll do the Kindle. So this is a good segue. What's a wreck for a book? There you go. I just wrecked In Cold Blood. I love that. What's that? It's Capote. It's about...

That was a recent episode, I think. What else? I'm doing the audio book. It's like 60 hours. It's long. Robert Moses, the power broker. It's great. But it's tougher. It's like 60 hours. This will be my walk. I do one Kindle and one... And then I...

What else am I... Yeah, the Brillstein book was my big book that I read. And then I'm halfway through Sapiens, which I know is hacked. Oh, that's a heady one. I read it. I don't remember anything. Gun to my head, I couldn't tell you one thing from that book. But I remember reading it going, this is incredible. It's incredible. Yeah. And now I'm reading his second one, Yoel Nariv or whatever his name is. There's another one that's not a sequel because it's not a fucking novel. But he has this other one that's...

Yeah, he's a beast, that guy. He's incredible. He's a smart Jewish man. Yeah, he makes it accessible. Like this crazy, it's like caveman to hunter-gatherer to normal society and he makes it accessible. I've heard of it. Yeah, yeah. It's great. It's like the secret for men. Right. You know? Dudes like it because it's just very cut and dry, very black and white factual shit. Can I insert a peeve? Please.

So speaking of the secret. I love that he listens to this pod, by the way. Oh, remember I emailed you 20 peeves just to get them off my chest? You're like, thanks, cool. I sent you a list. I don't remember. Oh, I emailed you a list. Dude, hit me. But speaking of, you just kind of touched on it. Like the secret, right? The new age bullshit. For whatever reason, I have a real hard time

when people feel that they discovered spiritual enlightenment from a self-help book and think they're better than you and they act sanctimonious because they read The Secret. Yeah, yeah. When in reality, it's such bullshit, that whole like... It's like... God, it's like... I don't know what... I think The Secret is just basically a repackaged, branded version of the power of positive thinking. It's like, yeah, you could think positive all you want until you have a fucking root canal that you need done. You...

at the end of the day sometimes you need to just get the white man medicine in you and just thinking about it ain't gonna fucking make it go away and I'm around so much of that shit in LA being from San Francisco with hippie parents I'm around so much of that that new age bullshit sort of thinking that woo woo shit it drives me fucking crazy because they think that they found the truth and they act better than you when the reality is it's really not based in any science you read one book and now you know the secret like no I don't buy it you're right you need a doctor

Yes. This is all bullshit. Also, there are scientific studies that show, that say cursing will help pain. I've heard that. Things like that where you're like, say fuck, and you're like, that actually helps. Yeah. Because sometimes you're in fucking pain, right? Exactly. Yeah. Daniel Tasha has that great joke, which I think about all the time. He goes, he's talking to some lady in LA, some model. She goes, I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual. And he goes, well, I'm not honest, but you're interesting. Ha ha ha ha.

That is a brilliant joke. Damn, he's good. He's good. He had some bangers back in the day. When he opened up his special in San Francisco going, the amount of butt fucking going on within a 10 square mile radius. But it was the way he said it. And I'm from San Francisco. And I was like, he got it. Yeah.

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There's a lot of butt fucking going on in San Francisco. One of the best cities ever. It's a great city, man. I love it. That's a city I could just walk around for. I mean, if you're a New Yorker or a city guy, it's the only real city in California. Like LA kind of downtown, I guess, is like a

Well, that's fucked. It's like fucking Mad Max down there. And then San Diego is sort of just a washed down version of LA. So San Francisco... I like San Diego. You don't like it? To me, it's just LA without the edge. I mean, it's nice. Don't get me wrong. But it's just sort of boring and kind of cookie cutter. And there's not a lot of...

- Culture? - Yeah, not a lot of culture, but San Francisco, it's like New York, you get everything. Gay, black, white, yellow, you name it. We got it all. So I think it's a good place to grow up. Good food, good food city. - Good looking city. - Good sports city. - Architecture. - But the least attractive women in the country. - Is that right? - San Francisco, for being the most aesthetically beautiful city, has the least amount of attractive women. And I'm just speaking honest and shallow. - I don't know, I'm from New Orleans, man.

There are ghouls and goblins down there. Right, that's true. You guys might have us beat, but for like California, you know. Right, right. It's like, where are they all going? I think my opener in Buffalo, by the way, was I just got on Tinder and every woman here looks like Artie Lange. So...

What the hell is going on? Who is that? That's funny. That was me. Oh, your opener. I thought you meant your opening act. Is Artie still sober? Is he doing good? You know, I haven't talked to him in so long. It's tough. I feel like we were pretty good friends. Right. It's like, I don't know what he's doing. We love Artie. He changed his number. He always changes his number because I think of, you know, drug stuff. Right. And the pandemic's tough on people with, oh man, I watched so many people that had so many years sober just fucking the pandemic. Yeah. Motherfucker.

Oh, but I digress. I don't want to start talking about the fucking pandemic, but yeah. But we love you already. I mean, if I'm like, we, he's a guy that like someday I would love to have on this, but also I'd kind of like, I worry that having him on this stuff is what gets him out and the neck going to the next,

thing right also it's like god damn he's like is there anyone better on radio ever right he's fucking amazing i went he had a show years ago i was a guest on i remember he said something that stuck out we were talking about show business and he was just like it's a fucking lottery

Like making it in show business. He's like, it's like going to Vegas and expecting to hit the jackpot. That's what LA is just filled with sort of everyone thinks that they should be a movie star, but there's only so few seats at the table. And there's so much talent out there and so little room for people. And he was basically just saying, it's a fucking lottery, dude. And he's right. Yeah, there is talent, but it's really like who you know. Yeah. Right.

place, right time? Do you happen to have a, there's just so many factors that go against you. So when people ask me like, Hey, I want to get into show business. I say, dude, I wouldn't recommend this to my worst enemy. Don't look at me as like, I just got lucky. You know what I mean? And it's not just luck. It's, it's, are you likable? Are you attractive? Are you the right look? Are you the right look for the time? Like David tells the funniest guy we know.

He should be doing arenas if you go off funny talent. Right. But he's not the right package that they need. Well, even Bumpin' Mike's, the show he did with Jeff, which was their funny duo where they're just roasting and they made it a Netflix show. And for whatever reason, it just doesn't translate as well as seeing him live. Of course. Like, Mattel is just the fucking best. He's the best.

It's like The Who. You watch The Who, a video of The Who. It's not the same as seeing The Who. Right. I picked a weird band. No, I get it. WHO. Yeah. World Health Organization. So he's – but yeah, I mean he's like – we were talking about this the other day at SNL. We were like, what comics do you like? And I was like, we're saying who should be on Mount Rushmore. And you could make the argument that Attell could be up maybe not fame-wise but best comics. Oh, he's not mine. Oh, yeah.

Easily. Easily. I mean, the guy's brain is just- Dave Vettel is probably my favorite comedian of all time. Right? And that's what every comic says. It's pretty unanimous. I don't think anyone's funnier than Dave Vettel. Nobody's funnier. Nobody. I don't think- He reminds me, anytime I have a bit that has a little too much opinion in it, I'm like, I watch Dave do a joke that's just a joke, and I'm like, oh, that's comedy. Yeah. We're entertainers. Dave reminds me. There's such humility in what he does.

I mean, it's not just... To be that just purely funny without any message, there's so much humility. It's kind of beautiful. Dave is a fucking comic genius. He really is. He is. He's savant. He's so fast. So fast. He's so fast. Like, every time something comes up, like...

on stage or whatever anything like what kind of family brings a kid to the conversation cuban okay like he's like he's so quick all the time what do you do i'm sure i've said this joke what do you do the guy goes i work for nickelodeon he goes no wonder i'm hard he is the best

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Sorry, it's always, this comes back to movies in a tell every episode. Well, we love him. I mean, and we really do love Dave. And he's not just a great comic, but he's such a good person on top of it. Yeah, that too. So it makes us love him even more. He's still sober? Yeah. Yeah, that's great. He was, I remember when I first met him in the 90s when I lived in New York, he was hitting the sauce. And I remember him kind of going back and forth and smoking a pack of cigarettes. And you'd see him out front like, you know, he's like the fucking...

he's truly a god and uh you know you know it was like that was another guy you don't want to bother like i've seen him even recently in new york and i want to go say hi because i've met him but i'm just like just leave the fucking guy right what am i gonna say to him you know i know i met i met uh larry david who's like my one of my heroes of all time and i said hello he was like

where you are. I was like, hello. He goes, hello. I go, hey, nice to meet you. And I went back to my shit because I knew I wanted to blow him. I wanted to be all over him and go, hey, everything, I know everything you've ever done, blah, blah, blah. But out of respect, I kept it quiet.

I saw him the other night and wanted to say something to him. I didn't. I left him alone. But I got a funny quick story about him if you want to hear it. Where did you see him? First of all. At the Vanity Fair Oscar party. Oh, wow. And he was at the bar kind of holding court and cracking jokes. And I wanted to just like hang out. But yeah, it was that was like a really heavy party because it's like that's the big Oscar party that everyone's at. So it was just like this.

Who? Did you see Will Smith there? I didn't. But it's funny because he came and there's all the video of him dancing and celebrating. And I somehow missed him. It was a big event. And I was just, I guess I wasn't in that zone. Sure. But real quick, I saw him at, wait, who are we talking about again? Larry David. Larry David. I saw Larry David at the golf course in LA. This is why you can't retain books, by the way. That was...

That was 10 seconds. It went by. It's fucking bad. And the booze might add. I smoked a lot of weed as a kid. So I see him at this golf course in LA that's sort of a public par three cheap course. And you could buy a bucket of balls for $11. What's he doing there? He golfs. So I guess he was at the driving range. It's like a local spot. You could go for 30 minutes and hit some balls. Okay.

So I see him in front of me, and the old lady doesn't recognize that it's Larry David. And I'm standing behind him in line getting a bucket of balls. And I hear him say to her, this is straight out of the show, he goes...

why do you charge $11 for the basket of balls? And she goes, what do you mean, sir? It's been $11 for a long time. He goes, yeah, but then I give you a 20. I got to get a five and four ones. Why not just make it 10? And he is arguing with the lady about the fact that it's 11, not 10. He's a millionaire. I love it. And I'm like, why is nobody seeing this but me? This is right out of the show. He's bitching about a dollar to the lady. And she doesn't know who he is. It was the best.

That's the best. And then Seinfeld's behind him. He's like, and what do they call it? Driving. I'm not driving. I'm swinging. Yeah, baby. Yeah, I saw him at the same wedding I was at, Schumer's wedding. I was so mad I missed that, dude. He was in line driving. We had to wait in line for him.

or whatever it was. And so his car just happened to be in front of mine. I got so lucky. Or maybe it was behind mine. But either way, I could see into his car and the young, hip, black guy's got the clipboard like, all right, sir. And you could see him going like...

You know, in the car and his daughter, what is it, Kazzy David? Who are we talking about? I'm just kidding. It was like a Curb episode where he was like, can you believe this guy? And I could see the whole thing in my head and hear all the dialogue and just hear it bop, bada.

Did you ever see the clip of Bernie Sanders with the black woman take the stage from him? Can you pull that up, Matt? Oh, that's a classic. Bernie Sanders curb moment. It's so fucking good. And he looks like him. It's perfect. Oh, dude. It's so... I mean, goddamn. Larry David is such a... He's such a legend.

Yeah, even the newer seasons of Curb, like, yeah, maybe they weren't as good as the first, but I'll take a bad Curb over anything else. Same. Like, even a mediocre Curb is still magical. That's a good way to put it. He's still got great moments. He's still a killer. What are we looking up? Oh, I don't even know. Maybe you can't find it. Oh. Oh, there it is. Oh, there it is. Oh, that's a... Yeah, whatever. It might not even be there. No, I remember it. I saw it. It was pretty damn good. That music. ...are apparently disenrolled.

Both Brooklyn Jews. Oh, is that right? Same age. Yeah. Maybe put black women in there, too. This is a tough search here, but I'm just trying to get it quickly. Oh, shit. I'm glad I said that into a mic. Well, yeah. What are you going to do? That's the internet. Yeah, so. That might have been it. I think that's it. There it is. Hold on. We got an ad here.

I recently paid the $7 a month so I don't have to see ads, guys. I recommend it. It's $7 a month and you don't have to do this. On YouTube? Yeah, I finally did it. Red Rocket. Oh, here it is. Red Rocket. You earned it. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Whoa. That's perfect. Man, the entitlement just go up there like that. It's crazy. But yeah. The fact that he just walks off. Yeah. Oh, the fedora guy's standing up. Cut the mic. This is directed by Larry Charles right after this. Robert B. White. Yeah. Yeah, that's great. Wow. Ah.

Politics. Man, he really is one of the best. I mean... Yeah, the king. I saw some Seinfeld interview where he's like, Larry David is the one show business millionaire who I... There's not a drop of change. He's the exact same guy he was in Sheep's Head Bay, Brooklyn, or whatever it was, you know? He's the same guy. He hasn't...

Showbiz has not changed him. I bet Bill Murray, like he does crazy shit like that, but I bet he's still just like, he seems like he's still a cool dude. No, he was super cool. That's, I hope I didn't say like he wasn't because he was being extremely nice because I was awkwardly quiet and weird around him. And he,

kept filling up the uncomfortable space by starting conversation and you know kind of giving me like advice on how to like handle the head fuck that's like award season and he was like you know kind of mentoring me in this weird way i don't know what there was a conversation that happened before she probably said like hey can you come down and hang out with us we had a guy he was you know they almost won this thing come hang out it'd be cool and he just came with this sort of uh

really nice attitude that was like supportive and cool and I was just like what a sweet guy did he see the movie no he hadn't seen it I don't know if he has now but I remember him all night long he kept you know saying now I gotta go see Red Rock and I but I'm not sure if he ever did he came so close to winning an Oscar what's that I remember everyone was shocked who did he lose to again well I don't know Bill Murray yeah Lost in Translation oh that's right he wouldn't even thought he was gonna get it I think oh same with Eddie Murphy for Dreamgirls I think they were both like comedy guys that were kind of like

Kind of should have gotten it. Yeah. Jim Carrey too. What's interesting is that you guys' comics, there's so many, well not so many, there's a handful of comics who could make the transition like a Robin Williams from comic to dramatic Oscar winning performance. Jim Carrey,

You don't really see it go the other way around too much. It's not a lot of dramatic actors could do comedy, but comedy guys can go with that. Just set you a clip about that. Yeah, Jim Jefferies was just saying this on another podcast. It's so true. You know who's actually very good at drama, but also very funny is Patrick Stewart.

Is that right? Is he funny? Have you seen him on Extras? He's very good at comedy. Oh, my God. Extras was so fucking good. Certain people can do it. Certain people- But can he do stand-up? No, well, that's a whole different- That's a skill that you have to hone. Yes, yes. There's a lot of comics who can do stand-up. Right, right. Yeah.

I mean, it's like, that's a honed skill. That's different. Do you take, do you do acting classes to stay in shape or what do you do? I used to a lot. Now, to me, the learning is when you're on set working is like, that's what, like I always tell people, you know, you could go to acting class all you fucking want. You learn when you're on set really how everything works and what, you know, you could learn techniques and things like that, I guess, but I'm no method actor and I don't want to

pretend that I am. I just use my imagination and go with my instinct. I'm not one of those guys who's in character between fucking scenes and all that shit. But I respect that, you know, like Joaquin Phoenix may be the best actor out, right? One of them. That motherfucker like knows how to really, he's like a

you know, a true thespian, right? Sure. He's amazing. Who are we talking about? It's never going to get old. But yeah, no. So I haven't taken acting class in a long time, but I do do privates with an acting coach once in a while. Like if I have a big audition and I have time, I will do a Zoom with an acting coach and just run the lines to say them out loud. But in my experience, and this is going to sound really vain, but I'm just being honest.

I'll often go into work on something with an acting coach and I'll sort of get their ideas in my head and my instinct was right. And I went with what they were suggesting and then I don't get the job. And then when I don't go with the coach and I just go with my instinct, I book it almost every fucking time. They're auditioning you. That's it. They're not auditioning the coach. Right. It's like, well, who's to say? It's so subjective. Oh, you know what this should be? Right. Like, I feel like I'm...

- Sometimes I'll bounce a bit off someone and it's the same thing where they're like, they lead me away. I'm like, this isn't the joke. - No. - Yeah. - Totally. - I think, and sometimes the joke doesn't work, but if it's my idea, I think my angle is the right angle. - And you guys, I get, I can only imagine 'cause I get this and I'm not even a comic, but everybody thinks they're fucking funny and that's a big peep of mine too. Everyone wants to come up to you guys and try to make you laugh 'cause you make them laugh. So you probably get this all the time is like, you know, people sort of awkwardly trying to get you to laugh.

and uh yeah i get that shit all the time and it's just weird um yeah yeah yeah wait so do you guys have any peeves this week i feel like i'm hosting yeah i got a couple i got a couple you go well hold on i wrote down a couple i wrote down a couple too oh hey look at this

Preparation. I'm a neurotic Jew. Oh, I did need to charge my phone at somebody. Oh, we got a charger. Oh, baby. Somebody get this man a charger. Wait, so quickly, I got, oh yeah, the spiritual new age people. Funny you brought that up. Nailed it. Nailed it. People, oh yeah, woo girls. You know, those girls that go woo at the bar.

I hate the woo. So there's two types of people. There's woo girls, and then there's girls that would never go woo. Yeah, yeah. And it's usually white girls in California or the West Coast. I don't know if they're in New York, but New York is becoming very waspy. I walk around New York, and I just keep hearing groups of white girls going, and literally, like, oh, my God. I'm like, am I in the Valley or New York? What is going on? I know, right? It's become very, even like downtown and shitty neighborhoods. Yeah, yeah, they take over.

We got I think there's a plug Somewhere Okay great I got a bunch of peeves We should send those Woo girls to Wuhan That's the fun part Sorry I got a bunch of peeves I got one Okay this happened The other night A guy messaged me You ever have someone Message you Because people are Talking shit about you And they for some reason They're like I defended you Nah

I never would have known this would have happened. He literally hit me up. He goes, there were some people at the comic up saying you were a TikTok comic. And I set them straight. I was like, nah, he's a real comic. And I was like, what? You just told me people think I'm bad? Now I'm in my head about TikTok comedy. Yeah, thanks a lot. I get it.

I mean, that's like people come up to me and they're like, yeah, I saw Red Rocket. You were pretty good. Oh, jeez. It's like, well, thanks. Tell me about it. You're pretty good. Like, who are you? Yeah, right? You were so charismatic in the movie. You play such a prick in that movie, but you're so charismatic in it. I mean, it's interesting. I mean, there's so much about that movie. You know what I think is interesting about it is like,

First off, Trump playing in the background. It's such a kind of like of a time stamp. But also like it made me think that Trump playing constantly was also like...

Oh, this is like an outskirt of Texas. This is like a forgotten area where Hillary didn't campaign. Right. There's so many like meanings to like, you know, what this like, what do you make of that Trump playing constantly in the background? So I'm glad you brought that up because I actually didn't even we shot the movie so fast that I didn't have time to ask him any of the nuances of why he wrote certain things in the movie. But then when I finally watched the movie afterwards and I saw it finished, I was like, oh, I wonder what he's saying by putting in.

So what the point of that was, was that it was hard to catch. You might not have caught it, but if you ever watched the movie, you'll see it. And if you're explaining it to me here, it takes place in 2016, the movie caught that. So it takes place during the 2016 debate. I did not catch that. So in one little frame, we're watching TV and it says elections 2016. So it's most people do. It's OK. He does that a lot in his movies. He makes you have to watch him three times and find hidden things and.

The point was, was that he's like, we were all collectively living in this weird reality show at the time, whether or not you thought Trump was going to win or what side of the aisle you're on. I wanted to make the point that we were living in this bizarro reality show when a reality businessman was going to become the president. So if you watch the movie again, every other scene, it'll be the debate.

and then horrible reality television and then the debates and horrible reality television like judge judy or whatever right so he was making a point that we were living in some dumb reality show that was like just as mind-numbing to turn on the debates as it was to turn on judge judy yet entertaining but like what the fuck is going on so that was sort of that was the point that he made

Meant to make I believe in doing interviews with them. That's an artist all that was thought out and right considered and you know We can just we could just miss it. Well, then like don't look up. I don't if you guys saw that movie I gotta watch it. It's well, you know, it's fun. It's like, you know, it's fun I don't sit here and but like I you know, it's it's like the point is is that they? Like it would land on like a house and one would be a Trump house and one was right But it would like sit on it for like seven seconds. It's like I

We get it. We get it. It's a little heavy handed. Yes. Yes. Whereas someone like Sean Baker, you got to watch it three times and be like, is that what he meant? Like, I like subtle. I like subtle too. We talk a lot about, you know, Mark and I just being like, you know, road comics and kind of, you know, relishing the fact that we can hit both sides of the aisle. Like, I really love being an entertainer and not, you know...

No matter what we believe, it's important to entertain people of both sides. I hate comedy that's really just pandering to one base. It always kind of bothered me because I feel like you're putting emphasis on your angle rather than the joke. And jokes are really like...

I loved during that Trump election cycle, so many shows were doing this like kind of partisan, here's where I stand. And Conan was doing escapist humor. Yeah. Every person knows who Conan is probably going to vote for, but that's not what was important. It was important that he was giving you an escape. And I love when comedy is an escape from reality. Right. Yeah. Right.

Right, absolutely. That's why I watch so much comedy on YouTube. I mean, that's like all I end up watching. If I have anything that I go to, like if you looked at my YouTube history, it's just going to be from Kill Tony to you guys to whatever. Like, that's my escape, you know? Wait, what were we talking? Oh, Peeves. Oh, yeah, yeah. I got one. I got a couple of Peeves. So how about this?

I had the lady in a middle seat next to me, so I try to give the middle seat some love. I don't want to be the douche that's ruining the middle seat. It's already a bad experience, so I try to give her the armrest, whatever. But she's hitting my channels with her elbow.

She's got her elbow on the buttons. Jet blue. Jet blue. Yeah, they got the elbow button problem. Elbow button. It's a fucked thing, yeah. I got a movie going and she's hitting the... The brightness is going up. The brightness is going down. The channel's getting changed. Break up with her, man. She sounds like bad news. I'm drunk at your wedding. She fucked up your movies. She fucked them up. I gotta take you from the best man's line. Yeah, yeah. Just cutting... And so...

I want to be like, I got to go, oh, hey, hey, ma'am, you're hitting my buttons. And she was like, oh, sorry. And then she did it so much that I just gave up. And I was like, all right, I'm out with the movie. And I let her have it. Because I felt bad about bugging her to stop hitting the button. So the peeve isn't her. It's the design of the plane.

Ah, you're right. She didn't do anything wrong. She was just moving. It was an accident. Right. Yeah, it's not her fault. Good point. It's like my buddy has a point about that. He's like, everyone on the plane is ready to kill each other, but it's not even the people on the plane's fault. It's whoever designed the plane that's making it. It's like, we're the ones that have got to be in a sardine can together. Right. But no one did anything necessarily that wrong. You're just annoyed with everyone because you're this fucking close. But that's not her fault. No, no. Not her fault. Yeah, don't break up with her. Aha.

It was a rando, but yeah. Why don't you just pull the seat up? Why don't you just pull the armrest up? Ooh. Well, I feel like that's a dig, too. Like, hey, watch it, fatty. Hold on. Let me pull this up. I don't want to bug her with that. That's a big move. I think as long as you don't call her fatty while you do it, you're probably all right. Well, here's a peeve. You ever notice when they come on the PA or the loudspeaker on the plane, the pilot will often be cognizant enough to sort of speak like this, and then the flight attendant gets on and, boy,

You're like, dude, like whatever the fuck they say. It's so loud. It's like when you watch all kind of the same. It's like when you're watching a TV show and then the commercials come on and they're 20 times louder. They do that on purpose. And you're like, no, the TV show is the important thing. Right.

This is bullshit. Because they know you're going to take a leak and they want you to hear the ad in the other room. So they actually, they made that illegal for a while or something. Oh, wow. Then they couldn't change it. They were trying to make that a thing. And obviously with TiVo came out. Remember TiVo was a thing? You could fast forward the commercials. So then now all the advertising has gotten so out of control that if you watch a UFC fight, they're wearing a fucking ad.

on their bot like you know 50 ads on their shorts because you know commercial i was watching tivo was tivo was big and then tv just took that right they were like oh we're just gonna do what you did right right tivo became like uh a thing that was such a big thing that you would actually use it as a verb like tivo that you're right or you know became part of the lexicon sure more so than what it like i still say tivo and when it's dvr it or whatever that's when you know you got a good brand and like google it instead of bing like bing tried to come out remember

Bing? Bing was big. And you know they had a meeting and they're like, what could we compete with Google? Like, Bing it. It just didn't work. Yeah, Bing, Kleenex, Sharpie, Band-Aid. Oh, I got a whole list. Sharpie. There's a whole list of just brands that took over. Yeah, you would never say, do you have an adhesive strip? You say Band-Aid. You say Band-Aid. It's a brand. Yeah. Yeah, Kleenex. No one says tissue. Give me Kleenex. Yeah, Xerox. Xerox. Sharpie. Yeah. There's so many, man. I could go on and on. But I don't want to bore everyone. Post it. Post it.

Post-it. That was big. Whiteout. Whiteout. No one uses that anymore. Speaking of whiteout. Whites are out. Whites are out. Yeah. I use blackout. Oh, another peeve. This bugged me. My hotel in Louisville, Kentucky. Oh, shit. Hold on. That's my peeve alarm. My hotel in Louisville, Kentucky is...

Coffee shop closes at 11 a.m. What? Come on, you come guzzlers. I'm hungover. I'm waking up late. I'm sleeping in. I want a cup of coffee. Oh, yeah. The whole coffee shop is lights out, blacked out, curtain down. When is it open? Four? I don't know. I think five.

But they're like, oh, who needs a coffee after 11? I'm like... Everybody. It's like a European thing in Europe. They'll close down for lunch in Italy. What the fuck are you guys doing here? I hate it. Okay, that's a fair one. That's a good peeve. Yeah, that killed me. So I'd have to go to some hipster queef and be like, hey, can you make me a guy to go outside the hotel and find some real coffee barista? Because this happens traveling...

Half the fun of getting a coffee is going to get the coffee though, right? And going to find a good cafe and find a good one. Yeah, it's not just doing the drugs. It's going to get them is half the fun, right? Or that could be applied to women, everything. It's the hunt. It's the hunt. Give me the action, baby. Yes. So I actually now sometimes because of what you just talked about. The difference is that you feel good after the coffee. Right. I bring this thing. It's called, it's like this vac.

vacuum press is called like a, um, it's like a portable, I forget the product name is speaking of product names. It's either like vacuum press or something, but there's this portable espresso thing that you can collapse into something this big and bring your own coffee grinds with you. So when that happens, you're in your room, you make yourself a fuck. I'm going to have to find the name. It's a, it grinds the beans. No, no, you have to get the, you already got to have your coffee beans, which I bring in a Ziploc.

like already grounded to a certain like a French press grind level. Not too fine, but it's, but it's the thing. I can't remember the fucking name. It's like a pretty popular thing. It's a brand new arrow press. There it is, baby. It looks like a penis pump. That thing right there. Well, it's double. It could be used for that. Yeah. It looks like a red rocket penis. There you go.

But that thing right there, man, it collapses into this tiny thing. And I bring it with me everywhere because of what you just talked about. Because if you can't get a coffee in some little town, there you go. And it makes a really strong, yeah. And then you get like, you know. And if there's no room for it in your bag, you just stick it up your ass. There you go. Yeah. I'll try this with my fleshlight. See if it works. Wow, look at that. Damn.

Yeah. It looks a lot more complicated than it is. Once you do it a couple of times, you're good. But there's something about it. And it's quality? It's very quality. And obviously you get good quality coffee and you're not getting a Folgers in the lobby. Right. Because so many hotels got shitty coffee. I was tired of it.

I still think about your story about when you ate those Hulk bars, Xanax, that you think were laced with fentanyl. I don't know if those were laced with fentanyl. I think you just ate too much Xanax. I think you might be right. Because if there was fentanyl in that, that would be a whole other jam. You might not have woke up. Right. Either way, stop doing that.

Either way, don't fucking die. In this day and age, you don't take pills from strangers. Those days are over, man. You better get it from the doctor because you don't know what the fuck's in those things. Yeah, it's not like the early aughts when that was safe. Right. Well, I know you're joking, but it truly was safe. Really? Well, nowadays, not that I'm doing strangers drugs, but there used to be a time where, you know, you'd be drunk at a bar and someone offered you a bump of coke and you're wasted. Now that's not an option. My buddy did that. He did a bump of coke.

And it was fentanyl. And he woke up to... And the paramedics are jumping him back to life. And they're like, sir. And he's just like, what the fuck? I did a bump at a bar. And it was fentanyl in the Coke.

And this was two years ago. So, yeah, those days are over. So all you young kids out there listening, don't do strangers drugs drunk in a bar, right? Yes. Only do your dad's drugs. That's it. There you go. Take them out of your aunt's cupboard, not from a stranger. Sure. There's a great gadget that you could take fentanyl and you could just mush it in your hotel room.

It actually makes really quality fentanyl. The aerodepressor. Hey! I was looking for it. You nailed it. Do you have any rec, Simon? Oh, yeah. Let's see. I love that he's like a... I know. It's weird that we have a guest that actually listens. Not only do I listen, I talk back

to you guys as if we're fucking friends. It's actually sad. It's nothing to even brag about. It's pathetic. But no, I was in Barcelona. I was dating this girl and I broke up with her in Ibiza and went to Barcelona by myself. And I was so depressed and sad and lonely in Barcelona during COVID. I listened to every single episode to the point where I'm like, I hate these guys now.

I was like, enough is enough. I'd be like falling asleep to you guys talking back to you. Get a life, dude. Barcelona. Wait, what was I looking at? Oh, yeah, my rec. Oh, yeah, my rec is there's a movie called Marjo. M-A-R-J-O-E. It's a combination of Mary and Joseph from the Bible. It's a documentary. I'm sorry to leave you out. I want to look at you more, but you're not part of the...

It's called "Marjo" and it's a documentary about a guy who was a child preacher whose parents made him learn how to fuck on everyone in the South and be like, "Lord Jesus." And he would do these tent churches around the South.

and basically be like, put your money in the basket, Lord Jesus, blah, blah, blah. And then go back to his hotel room and be like, suck and count the money. And then when he turned 18 years old, he realized his parents weren't giving him a dime of the money and they made millions off him because he was a little cute blonde preacher. So he got suckered. And he realized that organized religion is the biggest con ever. So he's like, fuck you, mom and dad. I'm moving to L.A. to make it as an actor. It's all documented. Wow. He moves to L.A.,

Can't make it as an actor. Can't even get an audition. So he just ends up smoking weed and being a hippie, but then he's broke. So he keeps having to go back to Texas, Louisiana and doing these preach things. But he knows that he's hustling everyone, but he's so good at it because he's been doing it since he's four years old. And he's doing Mick Jagger dance moves and he's chanting.

And then he explains how he tricks people into taking the hand on the forehead and fainting like he channeled Jesus to him. He's like, it's all psychosomatic. Here's how you do it. And he basically exposes why people think that they are having a religious moment. And he's like, it all

This is amazing. It's absolutely incredible. What's it on? It's on YouTube for free. How is this not bigger? It doesn't have a lot of hits. It's incredible. That's why it's a good rec. A good rec should have little views. Right. So basically, he's this charismatic dude who exposes how they trick an arena full of people into...

thinking they're having a religious experience. - How old is he now? - I don't even know if he's alive. This is from like the 70s and he was probably in his 30s or 40s. - Oh damn, he looks old here. - Oh, that's him now? Oh shit, that's him. - Good hair. - Yeah, hanging in there with the dude. - Yeah, so the documentary was made like these documentary filmmakers followed him around in the 70s as he was going back and forth from LA to, it's fucking incredible

because that's one of my favorite topics, kind of going back to the New Age bullshit, is when people kind of use religion the wrong way as like a, you know, they're better than you. 100% of Rotten Tomatoes. 100%! Holy shit, are you kidding? You never see that. Okay, well...

I'm in, baby. This is my weekend watch. It's fucking amazing. I can't wait to watch this and report back. Yeah, it's really good. And you'll hear a review while you're in some lonely village in Bangladesh. 100%. What a wreck. I'm the only person that voted. That's so funny. You might also like Ellie Wong. How the fuck did that match up?

Ali Wong's new special is killer, by the way. It was really funny. I like it. Really good. Yeah, really good. She's always got a powerful point to her show. It's really good. Well, yeah, she touches on it. I just love her whole thing about being bored with her love life and married and all that shit. She's got good ankles. She's cute. Oh, yeah. Yeah, good ankles. She's a sturdy Asian strong woman. She's probably small. She's little, yeah. Is that okay to say?

She's a short lady. I was on a flight with Ali and Sheng Wang, who she opens for all the time. He's a great comic as well. He's underrated. Very funny guy. And we hung out in Indianapolis. She was playing at the theater. I was playing at the club and got some pho. Oh.

So is it pho? Is that the local way to say it? I think so. Because it's not pho, right? That's what white people say. We ruin everything. So am I white or Jewish? If I'm 51% Ashkenazi, I did my Forever 21 test, the 23andMe test. Your mom is Jewish. I'm a Jew. My mom's

Jewish from Elizabeth, New Jersey. What a combination. You said Lithuanian Jew. My mom's a Lithuanian Jew. And trailer. And my dad's a trailer park from Georgia and Louisiana. And his side was Scottish, English, Irish, Spanish. Whoa. So I'm a combination. Yeah, I'm basically, I was hoping that I was half German, half Jewish, so I could always say this joke for the rest of my life. Ask me what I am. What are you? Oh, I'm half Jewish, half German, which explains why I want to kill myself. Haha.

I would want to use that joke forever. Yes. But I can't. I think this is the Jew in the trailer park. You call that a trailer? Why doesn't his AC work? Remember that old Bill Maher joke? He's like, I'm half Jewish, half...

So I go into the confessional, but I take a lawyer with me. Was that in Religious List, the movie that he did? Probably, yeah. That took balls. He went into fucking... You know what my only issue with that movie was, though, is that he's so intelligent, and he was interviewing a lot of Cadillac priests. Well, I'm like, a lot of these people are snake oil salesmen. Right, right. You could have...

There was one scene where he's great. He goes at some politicians. I'm like, that should have been more of the movie. Right. Interesting. Because you could really blow smoke in these fuckers' faces. Right. I mean, I know some of these people are taking advantage of people, but they're like so low level. Right. Right. Yeah. It was a little easy. Some low hanging fruit. But it's sort of like the similar thing to Marjo. It exposes all of that side of organized religion. I love it. I've always, you know, I still listen to Bill Maher's show all the time. Yeah. I mean, look, he's a smug asshole, but he's funny and he's right a lot.

Yeah, yeah. Because he'll call out his own tribe. That's bad. He'll be the first one to be like, we're fucking assholes too. Thank you. You know. Yeah. I don't know if there's a show on TV that has a more diverse panel of guests in terms of like belief. Right. That's true too. Because you'll have liberals up in there with them. I kind of like that. Yeah, no. I love that. No, it's good. We need a little discussion. It's called Discourse. Is that what that's called? Discourse. Yes. Yes.

Yeah, I'm not smart. That's all right. No, no, you nailed it, dude. I'm not smart and I'm not good with politics. And there's a peeve. Everybody's a fucking politician and an epidemiologist and an expert on global policy now of politics. You know, we all got that unhinged friend who was like, you know, knew more than your doctor. But now that there's a...

thing going on in Russia. They also know more about that than everyone else. We all got that friend. That friend who didn't go to medical school but knows everything about COVID. He's like, yes, I'm a geopolitics expert as well. I got a lot of those. And they're not just, they know, they're passionate about it. Ivermectin, I'm like, you've never said that word before. Now you're an expert on Ivermectin. It's like, get the fuck out of here. Let's just all admit that we know nothing. Yes. That's where I'm at. I know nothing. I'm an idiot. And I'm okay with that. Where's the clit? Yeah.

I can't find it. I don't know. You know the male G-spots in your butthole? Oh, that's great. My buddy of mine went to get a... He went to get a... Like somehow, I forget why, but he had to have like a urinary tract infection test so they had to sample his semen. So he goes, the doctor fucking... I don't know if this is a doctor he saw. He said this doc

You have a problem with your pee? Let me see some jizz. Wait, listen. He said he bent him over and put his big Jewish thumb up his ass and made a left. Left.

And he just, he said it was a trap door. He just dumped the biggest load he's ever dumped in his life everywhere. And afterwards, he's like, doc, why didn't you just ask me to rub one out in this Petri dish? You needed to do that? And he went up and made a left and it just dumped. Damn. And I guess they need to get clients in and out of the doctor's office. So it's just like the male G-spots up into, there's like a prostate in there somewhere. My boy was like, dude, it's been there the whole time. We're not exploring enough. We got to figure this out. It was in you all along. He's like, it was the best load I ever dumped.

Wow. Yeah, yeah. That's a hard part is once you get older, you just find better trap doors. And then if you have a second without a trap door, you're like, well, that was all right. I know a better room. We could watch the movie in the bed or we could watch it in this awesome room with a big screen. I know. It's all escapism. Yeah. We're just trying to get off and...

Carlin, it's all bullshit and it's bad for you. There you go. Who says that? George Carlin. It's funny. I remember I was watching. Carlin's last special was so underrated. It's called It's Bad For You. I remember one day I was watching it and I just text Mark. I was like, man, you know what special is underrated? It's bad for you. And Norman just texted me back. He screenshot. He's watching the same special. Same special. No way. Our periods are synced. We're synced up, man. Yeah, you guys are ovulating together. Yeah. It's crazy. I met Carlin once.

And? And you bet. Oh, it was great. It was a super cool guy. Funny guy. He zinged me. It was awesome. And I saw him live once and it wasn't pretty. Oh, he bombed. He did a Biloxi Casino. Biloxi, Mississippi. Yeah. It's not his fault. No. So I drove there with my girlfriend at the time and he got heckled the whole time. He chewed out the crowd. It was wild. Wow. But it was Mississippi. Yeah. Uh,

Were you just a kid back then? I was probably 17, 18, 19, something like that. Did you know you wanted to do comedy then? No, but I loved it. I always knew, I always respected it, but yeah, I was a fan. Yeah. I had all his albums. I want to ask you, because you were in Scary Movie 3 with Charlie Sheen. Yeah. Ooh.

let's hear it. Tell us some Sheen stuff. I'm happy to. He's the most misunderstood, greatest guy. You would love him. He's one of the boys. He's so like normal and down to earth, but misunderstood. I love the guy. And he's just fucking a product of being, uh,

famous and rich and um you know uh being like the last hollywood bad boy man he was kind of that last dude right i'm trying to think who else after him he was like i think he like went so hard that people were like scared like i don't lose my career so so okay so i had him on my podcast and he i remember i called him up to do the podcast he goes uh dude this is my charlie sheen by the way uh

dude, everybody asks me to do their podcast and I say no, but for you, I'll do it. So he did my podcast. What? Yeah, he was the only one he's ever done was mine. Wow. And because he's my boy and he's just like, I'll do it for you because he's just got, most people would probably dig and I wasn't going to do that to him. But yeah, he, everybody wants to hear a story about how I did blow with Charlie Sheen and drank with him. I've never so much as had a sip of beer with him because the only time I see Charlie is when he's sober.

When he's on one, I don't really hear from him and he definitely ain't calling me to hang out. He goes kind of dark for a while and he goes dark for a while. And then when he pops his head up, he checks in and I see him or if I'm working with them, he's obviously professional enough to not be getting loaded at work. But he told me, uh,

So he was basically, him and Chuck Lorre, I think, were butting heads. And then he left the show. But right when he left the show in 2000, this was 2010, when he did the winning Tiger Blood thing. He calls me up one day and he goes, where are you? I'm like, I'm in Salt Lake City. I'm doing a gig tonight. And he goes, I'm going to get you on a plane right now. I need you to come back to LA. I'll double whatever you're getting paid. So I canceled the show. He doubles what I'm getting paid. I don't even remember if I even got the money from him, but I canceled the show. Were your fans pissed?

I don't remember, probably. I shouldn't have done that. But it was kind of like this opportunity where Charlie goes, trust me, come, I got something good for us. So I fly to fucking LA. I go to his house in his private Bel Air gated community. And you got to understand at the time in 2010, this wasn't a thing. He goes, I'm going to do a live stream and announce something.

But that wasn't the norm in 2010. No one was streaming live. No, no. And he had the technology and the thing at his house, and it was like a live stream. And he announces the Tiger Blood Tour. And he called it the Torpedo of Truth Tour. Yeah. And it basically was him traveling around the country with Kirk Fox as the opening comedian. Funny guy. Hilarious guy. And me closing as Dirt Nasty doing one of my songs. Wow.

And in between was going to be an improvisational Charlie Sheen two-hour show around the country with friends from his life. Yeah. No plan at all. Disaster. Yeah.

We're sitting on the runway about to take off on a private jet on like a G6 or whatever the fuck the biggest private jet is. And how did he choose you? You just hit it off on Scary Movie. Yeah, he just loved my music and was like a friend. And he goes, why don't you come on tour with me? I'll pay you very well. We're going to fly around in private jets and stay at nice hotels. And you're going to do one song at the end of my show. Which song were you doing? 1980 it was called. He always goes, dude, you have the second best song in history. It's Stairway to Heaven, 1980. Wow.

Because the song is... Then Hey Jude. And then... No, but the reason he likes the song is the hook is I'm on cocaine like it was 1980. And he just loved it because that was his life. And he was hellbent on spending all of his money. And there'd be like these weird hanger-ons that would be at his house and then on the tour that I can tell were just not really his friends. And Charlie would be so fucking nice and generous or crazy. He'd be like, does anyone want any money? Whoa.

and he'd whip out a stack of cash and it was kind of like a bullshit detector to see who his real friends are because I never once was like yeah give me some money and a couple guys were like I'll take some cash and he's just handing them money I'm like get rid of this fucking guy he's like a white cat Williams yeah

Holy shit. By the way, that doesn't work with dicks, by the way. I need a bigger dick. Hold on. I know a guy with the same size dick as me. We'll fuck you together. That's such a hilarious... I mean, you can't be more wasteful than that. I know. He's like, I have all this money. Who wants money?

Wow. And I remember him saying to me once we landed and like we're in like Florida, we're on this tour, which was just a disaster and it was getting murdered by the critics. But he just didn't give a fuck. He's like, my whole life I've been told stand here, wear this, say this, say it like this. He's like, fuck everyone. I'm doing it my way. I don't care if it sucks. So I kind of had to respect that. Hell yeah. Even if the show sucked, which it did. But at one point after the press was murdering. Did any of them go well?

So here's what happened. About three or four shows in after like Detroit and Cleveland were so bad that people were chanting refund and leaving. And he still didn't give a fuck. I mean, I think he didn't want to let down his fans, but he's just like, whatever. And I go, you need a comic to come on and kind of be the glue to hold this together. Do you know who Jeff Ross is? He goes, who's Jeff Ross? I go, do you trust me?

He's like, sure. I called Jeff Ross. I go, Jeff, would you come on to this tour and help us figure this out? It needs something. So Jeff Ross came out and it became the roast of Charlie Sheen. He would come out in a hazmat suit, like a bomb suit, when Charlie was bombing 20 minutes in. Right. And be like, Charlie, you're bombing. This is going terrible. And he'd start roasting Charlie. And organically, it became the Charlie Sheen roast. Wow.

which to date, they later aired on Comedy Central, is still to date the largest viewed comedy roast of all time. Higher than Trump, which is crazy. Oh, maybe it was before. Maybe. At the time, I remember at the time. Those roasts used to get so many views. Well, Trump wasn't what he was now when they roasted him. I wonder what it is now. I'm not sure if this holds up, but at the time, he was like, it was enormous, the Charlie Sheen. I remember that. Sheen was kind of,

I mean, I was a big fan. I mean, I think what she did is like he was in Wall Street. He was in Platoon, but then he was also in like Hot Shots. Hot Shots 1 and 2. Part D. Yeah. How about also, dude, taking over from Michael J. Fox on Spin City. He killed it. Dude, he was fucking good. To follow Michael J. Fox. Him and Ferris Bueller. He's a comedic relief in Ferris Bueller. He killed that spot. Me and my dad would quote that all the time. I loved it. Yeah, he was just in the jail, right? Yeah. Wasn't he just in the jail? What are you in for? Drugs. Yeah.

Major League. Wild. Major League, dude. Another great one. I remember we're shooting a scary movie and I don't know why, but I was like, just so excited to work with Charlie Sheen that I'm watching Platoon in my trailer and I come to set. I'm like, I'm watching Platoon. He'd go, uh, why? He's like, we're shooting a comedy. I'm like, you're right. Why am I watching? I'm like, yeah, let's shoot this scene, Kevin Hart.

Yeah, man. But he's a legend. What a story. No, and it goes even deeper, but that's the cliff notes is that basically Jeff Ross came on board and sort of saved the show. And it got better? It got a lot better. And then people were like, oh, he's being self-deprecating. It's evolved into this roast. And then

The rest is history. And then they went and actually filmed the roast of Charlie Sheen not too long after. And I remember being still to this day kind of proud. I'm like, oh, that wouldn't have happened without me. I was the reason why this roast happened. Comedy Central, give me some money. And much like comedy, it takes a minute to figure out the joke. You got to figure out what's funny and what works. Correct. People like to judge it so early. This was Twitter was out, but not Instagram yet. I remember that much. I remember...

uh yeah this was so that social media was still pretty new and going viral wasn't really a too big of a thing yet but yeah he took it to the internet and goes it was right when he got fired or quit from that show and decided to do the tour and he invited me to be a part of it and of course i'm gonna fucking do it man like yeah charlie i want to go on tour with you like duh but it was also uh

Yeah, it was a lot. I mean, but it was very nice for once. What was a tour night like? Like after the show, do you go out to your party? Do you go out? Do you get a good bite? I would by myself pretty much because I was alone and he was sober.

with his two girlfriends he had at the time. He had two girlfriends publicly. On the road? Yes, and he brought both of them with him and he would just go back to the hotel with the girls and he wasn't drinking or doing drugs. I love that his rock bottom is still, he's still banging two chicks. Totally. Yeah, right, right, right.

So I would just basically be in Chicago with two days off by myself and call a friend in Chicago and go out. So it wasn't partying with Charlie like you'd imagine. But in the theaters, you were playing theater. Yeah, it was like theaters. But he was agreeable and easy to work with in the theaters? Yeah.

Oh yeah. He was very agreeable and easy to work with in theaters. He just, um, the show sucked, you know, quite honestly, it just wasn't a good show until Jeff showed up and it sort of got some structure. And I remember even saying to Charlie, I'm like, what's your plan? Like, what are we doing? He's like, I don't have one and I don't care. I'm like,

all right, dude, let's go. Like I'll, I'll be your huckleberry. I'll hang out with you. This should be fun. And I'm glad I did. It was successful. And then do something like this where you have no, like clearly he had a plan for all of his other shit, but like what's, I want to know what, what's in Charlie Sheen's rider. He's sober. What's in that green room. What's he getting? That's a good question. God, I probably, if I, yeah, I wonder, I just, well, I also remember this, like, uh, I remember him saying to me, like when we're in Florida once he goes, all right, dude,

"I want you to spend as much money as you can at the hotel." I'm like, "What do you mean?" He goes, "I want you to order the steak, the lobster, go golfing and get like three massages."

And I'm just like, are you trying to – he goes, Simon, I made more money today on reruns of Two and a Half Men than I could possibly spend in this – like, please, do me a favor. And I felt bad. I was still like, I don't need to order this much shit. But he's like, no, get the steak, get the lobster, go – all right, dude. And I sometimes would. Yeah. And even then I –

What is that? Is that just self-hatred? Is that like, I don't deserve this shit. Take it from me. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I think he just had a lot of money. This was in 2010 when he probably just had tens of millions of dollars at his disposal. You know? Yeah.

Holy shit. Yeah, it is crazy. It's crazy. I wonder if he's okay now. Yeah, I was going to say, what's he doing these days? I told him to do a podcast because I'm like, that would be great and you could do it from your own home. And he told me he was moving into like an Airstream, which is those silver trailers. He got some land in Malibu and he just wanted to kind of fuck off like I did and move to the

desert and live in a little trailer so i think he either bought some land in malibu and did like the trailer life for a while just to sort of get the fuck out of like the hollywood you know tmz stands for 30 mile zone tmz oh that's a 30 mile zone of la where all the drama happens so he wanted to move out of the tmz into like north malibu into nature and get out of the t like where he gets sweated everywhere yeah 30 mile zone baby you learned something how do you

like that. It's nice to hear good stuff about him though. Cause I, he did get just destroyed by the media. He's the best. He's the fucking best. You would love him. He's one of us. Charlie, if you're listening, we'd love to have you and we might be drunk. Yeah. We'll get you a blow. We'll get you a hookers, whatever you got. Is he sober? Uh,

I, well. Charlie, we'll order you lobster steak. We'll give you three massages. We don't give a fuck. Well, yeah. So he's, he's very misunderstood and he's just a good dude and I love the guy. So, um, but regardless, I'll send him this pod and turn him on to you guys if he doesn't know already. No, no. I love, I've always liked Charlie Sheen a lot and I've always, uh, I mean, I grew up on him. I mean, like I remember thinking how funny, we're talking about David Zucker. I mean, hot shots. I mean, I grew up. I saw that in the theater. Man, how funny was Lloyd Bridges? Oh,

I'm trying to remember what he did in Hot Shots. He's the president. Oh, that's right. And he fights Saddam Hussein. He's Jeff Bridges and Bo Bridges' dad. Yeah. He's on Seinfeld. You know what's a great fucking movie? The one with Jeff Bridges and Bo Bridges where they're blues musicians with Michelle Pfeiffer. What's it called? What's that called? Bridge on the River Kwai? Two girls, one cup. What is that? It's the one with...

What's that called? Biloxi juice. No. This whole movie is on YouTube too. Oh, for free. For free. You recommended this once, I think. I did. Yeah.

It's a wreck, but it's The Fabulous Baker Boys. Oh, yeah. Excellent movie. You know, I think it's one of those movies I've never seen. Me neither. I got a list of movies I need to see that are getting along. It's terrific. Jeff Bridges is like, that guy's a fucking legend, man. Oh, yeah. By the way, we even talked about Bruce Willis. How fucking sad is this shit? He's an American icon. Yes. Totally. I saw him in my deli. What? Right before...

Right before COVID, I was in my deli and it's like, you know, it's all Asian women who run the deli and they're all just lining up for pictures with him one by one. He's in a fedora. He's taking pictures with everyone. And I was like, man, he seems like a mensch. I saw him at the Cellar. He was at Bumping Mike's speaking to Jeff Ross. Really? He was at Bumping Mike's. And the crowd, he's a fan? And they roasted him. Oh, wow. That's great. I remember Moonlighting. I remember you could watch on YouTube the Moonlighting audition of him auditioning. Is it good Moonlighting?

Remember that show? It was before my time, but I know it's him. And who's that really hot woman? Sybil Shepard. Now, I'm not going to say it's a wreck, but at the time, the show was a cultural phenomenon. Really? Yeah, in the 80s, it was huge. And the whole show, I'll never forget this. Even being a kid, I remember the show was all about when are they going to hook up? It was like three or four seasons. They're like partners in crime or in fighting crime. I can't remember. And they both were like, when are they going to hook up?

and this is fascinating, as soon as the episode aired where they hooked up, the ratings plummeted. It was all about the anticipation, baby. It's just like real life. It's the taboo, like, can I get it? Can I not? Cybill Shepard was so hot back in the day. I remember him like Taxi Driver. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. And he was like a B-level actor when he got Die Hard. Oh, there he is. That's the audition. Look at him.

What a good looking guy. He was an extra in the movie The Verdict with Paul Newman. He's one of the jurors in the end with a full head of hair. There you go. Look at that. That was the girl who didn't book it.

Because that ain't Sybil Shepard. Oh, she's hot, too. God damn it, I love Bruce Willis. God, 80s. Look at the 80s. Look at that. Look at that hair. He's also underrated at comedy, too. Like, Whole Nine Yards is funny. Oh, yeah, he's great in that. Amanda Peet. I just saw her the other night for the first time in 20 years I hadn't seen her. Oh, did you know her back in the day? Well, I did a show with her called Jack and Jill with Amanda Peet.

Jamie Presley. Wow. Remember Jamie Presley? I love Jamie Presley. Yeah, I dated her while we were doing the show and the network had to pull us aside and say, we can't tell you guys not to date, but don't bring your personal shit to work because we know how this one goes. Ooh.

And we're like young cocky actors. We're like, whatever, we'll do what we want. And sure enough, we would be fighting and bring it to work and it would affect everything. And I was like, ah, they were right. She's like, well done. Thank you. Well, this is, yeah, this was 20, this was 22 years ago. I think it was 2000. Oh,

Yeah, she was like prime. You know, just after Poison Ivy, Jamie Presley. Oh, smoke show. So I was in there, baby. I was zinging and zanging. Send me photos. It's before photos. Yeah, send me videos. Send me VHS.

I'll have VCR for that one. That's crazy, dude. Yeah, so Moonlight. So the ratings plummeted when they hooked up. I remember that. That's fascinating. But yeah, lookit, that was the man. Dude, Sixth Sense, obviously. Oh, yeah. Diehards, obviously. Right. I just watched the last Boy Scout, and it's not good, but he's so good. Yeah, he got charisma like a motherfucker. Charisma. He's got that smirk on the side of the face. Yeah, he's got good things. He was in Friends. He fucked Rachel. Oh, did he? Oh, yeah. What else did he do? Yeah, what other classics? Red Sessions.

Oh, yeah. Red was good. Fifth Element, of course. Fifth Element's great. Oh, Pulp Fiction! Holy shit. That's how you know you've had a... Unbreakable's great. Mr. Glass. You know you've had a great career when Pulp Fiction's the fifth thing we did. Yeah, right. I know, right? Surrogates? Hmm.

Yeah, there's Friends. Looper was good, too. Looper's a great movie. Oh, yeah, Looper. Death Becomes There's a great comedy. Underrated. 12 Monkeys. 12 Monkeys is a great, great. That's a brilliant movie. Terry Gilliam. Yeah. Sin City. Holy shit. What a career.

Sin City is one of the most beautiful looking movies of all time. I will say his best acting was acting like Ashton Kutcher fucking Demi Moore in Bothering. Other than that, he's a hell of an actor.

Oh, man. Look who's talking. He's the voice. He's the baby. Oh, yeah, he's the kid. Oh, so I don't know why I just thought of this. I did a movie once with Chevy Chase as the voice. It was called Karate Dog. I shot it in 1999. It's a kid's movie about a dog that does karate. And it was with Pat Morita, Jon Voight, Jamie Presley, who I was dating at the time, and she was smart enough as an actor to know when I booked the movie, she's like, well, do you have a girlfriend in the movie? I go, yeah, there's a love interest. She goes, I'm playing the love interest. Whoa.

And I remember the producers going, we got Jamie Presley because she didn't want me to go sleep with some other actress. Sure. She was smart enough to know that's what happens. Yep. So she was in the movie and this is a, you would have fucked Pat Morita if she didn't. That sounds like a lot. Um,

So basically, this movie was a kid's movie. So if anyone's out there is going to go watch Karate Dog, mind you, it's for seven-year-olds. Sure. And in the movie, Chevy Chase. There it is. Yeah, Karate Dog. Dude, yeah. Simon, you've had a crazy life. I know. I've had the craziest life that I don't even remember anything. Somehow, I remember little windows of shit.

So this movie was shot in Vancouver and I got to work with, at the time, I was like, fuck yeah, I'm going to do a movie with Jon Voight and Pat Morita. Mr. Miyagi, for Christ's sake. Mr. fucking Miyagi. Deliverance. Oh yeah, the point of the story was that Chevy Chase was the voice of the dog. So I got to sit in a sound booth with Chevy Chase for like four days when the movie was over for him to do the CGI voice of the dog. But then in the end,

They didn't like his performance, so they hired Burt Reynolds. So then I sat with Burt Reynolds in the sound booth for four days. So I spent like four days in a row. So where's the Burt Reynolds was the second choice behind Chevy Chase? It's actually the other way around. I think it was...

Whatever. One of the two ended up being the voice in the end. I think it ended up being Chevy Chase, actually. You hung out with Burt Reynolds? For four days in a little booth this big all day long with him in a sound booth. And this was the funniest thing he did to me. Unreal. This is Burt Reynolds and Jon Voight again? No, this is Burt Reynolds only. Me and him in a little booth. I know, but they're both in the movie again? That's hilarious. Yeah. Deliverance 20 years later? That's how we got in the movie was that he called them in from their experience on that. They were friends. Wow. So anyway, I'm, you know, okay, so.

I'm laying on the floor at one point because you're in the sound booth room for eight hours a day. And at one point I'm laying on the floor and I'm trying to small talk with Burt Reynolds. I'm like, what do I even say to this guy? He's got an ascot on his neck.

Mind you, there's no cameras. We're doing audio only. Makeup on, ascot, lifts in his shoes. He's looking like he's ready to present an Oscar and we're in a sound booth at 9 a.m. in Van Nuys, right? And he shows up and I'm like, this is Burt fucking Reynolds. I mean, this is the legend. Like, what do I even say to the guy? And at one point he's like trying to bond with me and I'll never forget this.

I'm laying on the floor and he steps on my butt and walks over me and he looks down and goes, you got no ass, kid. What do you say to that? Man. What do you say to Burt Reynolds when he tells you you got no ass, kid? Weird. Weird. See, this is why you have the best showbiz career because you're not fucking, you know, you're not Jared Leto. He's covered in shit. He can't go anywhere. He can't go through an airport.

But you've seen everything. You've done everything. You've met everybody. And you can still live your life. Yeah, that's what... And you're normal. That's what Ari Shafir always says. Thank you. That's what Ari Shafir always says. He's like, I still want to be able to go to a festival and not get bothered. And that's kind of... I agree with that. And that's why...

sort of lately this like buzz I've been getting from this movie and all the attention it's kind of scary because I'm entering the waters of not being able to be anonymous anymore but I guess it's all like you know it's worth it I guess but I'm not getting paid I feel like a lot of big stuff is coming with you we'll see man oh boy whatever's coming the good part is is that

I think I've been around long enough to not get too caught up in the hype. And I'm like, I've been here before. I've eaten the humble pie. It tastes good. I'm all good. No matter what happens, I'm all right. I'm not like caught up in it all. You've lived. Either way, whatever happens, you're going to end up fucking Jennifer Lopez. There we go. So it's all good news. You're going to be just fine. There it is. Well done. It's a great episode, man. What an ep. Yeah, that feels like the end.

doesn't it? That felt like the wind up. This is one of my favorite episodes. I'm sorry I talked over you guys. No, no, no. This is one of my, I don't say this much. I mean, this is one of the best episodes. Oh, that's great. Totally. Killer rep. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Peter's third. I will say you were pretty good. Thank you guys. Thank you. Appreciate that. No, I killed it. Great story. Great time. I can do this for five more hours. You got to come back. We'll do part two one day. We got to do a part two. Unless I get too big and I'll never talk to you guys again.

Well, we can't get you to send, uh, send Charlie. Yeah, that would be fun. We need it. We need to start a book. Harley, uh, Charlie Sheen hashtag. Yeah. Now you're talking. Oh, is this the tour dates? Who's up? I got all kinds of stuff. Uh, Addison improv in Dallas, Denver, Denver, some theater, Bricktown comedy club in Oklahoma city. Uh,

San Jose Improv, Stand Up Live in Huntsville, Alabama, Pantages in Minneapolis, Chicago at the Vic, Irvine, California, Improv. Well, I might have to come down to one of those. Come on, do a guest set. Oh, scary. No pressure, no pressure. But yeah, marknormancomedy.com, check it out. Brea Improv, LA, I'll be at.

What else do we have? We have fucking... Oh, uh... Ooh, LA Netflix is a joke? Did that happen? Yeah. No, it's next month, man. Come out. Let's hang out. Wait, May 1st? What month are we in? We're in April. April.

April, May's next? Yeah. You're hanging out with Charlie Sheen too much. We got Nashville, Albany, Toronto, Providence, Special in Chicago. I can't wait for that one. It's going to be big. Hell yeah. Tampa, Cleveland, Houston, West Palm, Buffalo. So much on the horizon. samorell.com slash shows. Go to the show.

we might be drunk pod.com for all the merch. We got all this great merch out. Now we got a Patreon dot com slash. We might be drunk pod email. So we might be drunk pod, uh, at gmail.com. Simon, uh, go see red rocket. We were really amazing. Thank you so much. I was so happy. I appreciate that. Thank you. Uh,

And when's the whiskey coming out? Oh. Are we really doing this? It's close. It's so close. We're like literally in the last stages of negotiations. The legal shit. The red tape. I'm going to promote the shit out of it. Bodega Cat. Swipe up. All that shit. Thank you. Bodega Cat's the name. It should be fun. It's going to be a hell of a ride. Is that the name you decided on? Bodega Cats? Yes. I like it. Yes. You were floating around some other ideas. That might be my favorite one. Fat Cat. Fat Cat was taken. Oh.

Oh, okay. There was a few ideas you guys had. So a few months ago, we had to settle on a different name. Yeah, Anal Fisher didn't make it. But yeah, go see Red Rocket. See all the other stuff. Beer Jew, you're cooking. Thank you for making us such amazing drinks, man. These are amazing. You're killing these drinks. Top notch. Top notch, baby. Well done. Praise Allah. And Gotham Studios, you're the best. We love you. Matt Peters, you're the best. Keep listening, guys. We appreciate you. Yep. Spenders.

I'm out to lunch here at noon and I