Ep 70: A Couple Of Salty Dogs
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Hey, folks, here we are. We might be drunk. We're doing it. We're back. I haven't seen you face to face. I saw you on the street the other day and we talked for a minute, but I haven't actually. Yeah. Yeah. We're walking down Minetta Lane and boom, you pop up. And then now we're on the sidewalk doing a podcast. I heard your voice and I was like, what? It's so weird to hear your friend's voice that you also like. Yeah, it's just I don't know. Yeah. But that's because you have such a recognizable voice. Sure. That's really what I get at like airports. Some guys like.

Comedian? So I got so much to talk to you about. And then you go into the next men's room. Yeah. Stall. Damn it, I messed that joke up. And I tap on the floor. You know, a little gay code. Yeah, Republican. Salicus. Good to see you, Tony. Oh, Google pitch. Good to have you.

Are you okay with that name? I don't want to offend you. All right, all right. I like the theme of shirts you got going on. It's all I wear. I like it. Hawaiian is cool. It came back for a minute. Yes. Now it's bad again. I think there was like a Proud Boy movement where they kind of co-opted for five minutes. Really? Yeah, they were called the Boogaloo Boys. Oh. But they wear khaki pants and I don't do that. No. Okay. You kind of look like Kramer's weird friend. Bob Sacramento? Yeah. You're Sacramento. Yeah.

Proud Boys and Hawaiian shirts. I'm like, no one is less laid back than the Proud Boys. You know, they're like, we're going to kill you. They're shaking an AK-47. That's wild. Now we got the beer juke cooking up a hot concoction over here. Those look like summery drinks. What do we have here? They're pretty summery. They're old New York drinks as well. So here today we have the Salty Dog. Oh!

Love a salty dog. I figured you would thank god about this. This is Artie's drink from Larry Sanders. Yeah He wants his salty dog, I love it DeVito Anthony DeVito we do the road he wants a salty dog That's a great term to that guy's a salty dog, you know, sounds like it's something you'd say about a guy in an old bar. Oh

Oh boy, what is that, a grapefruit on there? Yeah. That is really good. Not bad, right? So that's, what is it, just grapefruit and vodka? Basically, it's just grapefruit and vodka. If you're using store-bought grapefruit, it's going to be a little sweeter, so add a little bit of lime juice, because the salt will make it sweet, will accentuate the sweetness as well. Sure. And the original, the Salty Dog's just the Greyhound with salt on the rim. Ah! And...

The Greyhound was like just this drink that was invented in like the 30s or the 20s or the 30s. Yeah. If that's who you ask. It's funny that that used to be a classy term. I'll have a Greyhound. Now you're on the Greyhound, you're like, oh, fuck, my life is shit. I'm on the Greyhound. Yes, I'm on the Bolt bus. I'll have a Chinatown bus on the rocks, please. Yeah.

All right. That's a great call. That's a great drink. This is perfect. I love that you're mixing it up. You're getting creative. It's great. Nailed it. Also, when I smoke a weird joint, I call it Spear Airlines. There you go. I got a crazy story for you. Please. I was in Columbus over the weekend. I just kind of... Just well enough from... I just got over COVID. Yeah. Just well enough to... This is my first drink. Oh, hey. By the way. Yeah. Good to have you back. Good to be back. But...

You know, I'm in Columbus, Ohio with Gary Vita. We had a great weekend. The crowds were great. Great club. Columbus, Funny Bone. Great, great crowds. Yeah. And we're leaving. Gary starts to feel crummy. Not COVID. He just, you know, he already had it, but he had a cold and we're coming back.

Sunday morning, early flight, not a lot of options. It was like a 10 a.m., not brutal, but like early when you work the night before. Still early, yeah. We get there. We're in the clear pre-check line. We're both pros from the road. There's a woman in front of us, the worst human being I've ever – Uh-oh. Just one of those people that you're like, she's a problem. She's an angry white woman. Yep. It fits the stereotype. Yep. Big.

Big, loud Louis Vuitton bag. Two kids yelling at the woman. Yelling at her. And it's the clear line. She goes, Miss, you're so bad at your job. She starts going, she goes, you're so, and it's like the morning shift, so I'm like pretty angry for this woman. Yeah. And she goes, you're so bad at your job. How are you so bad? How are you so bad? Like, goes on for like at least two minutes. Where it's like nonstop. And she goes, what's your name? Oh.

What's your name? I'm going to complain about you. And the woman's like, Carmen, my name. And she just keeps hammering her to the point where finally Vito and I are looking at each other like, is this for real? She's got two kids with her. Oh.

Probably 12 years old or so. They could tell they're humiliated. Yeah. And you could also tell she does this a lot. Just one of those people. And she didn't even know. You know, it's the thing where you have to line up your eyes. Yeah, yeah. To get on clear. And she didn't know what she was doing, but she's yelling at this woman. Jesus. For at least two and a half minutes, which is a long time for someone to just be berated. Totally. So finally gets to a point where I go, hey, lady, enough. Ooh. Ooh.

I love enough. And she looks at me shocked. She goes, what? I go, stop talking to her like that. And she goes, this doesn't concern you. I said, it didn't. Now it does. Yeah. I said, and everyone in the whole area hates her. Yes. And the ticket guy is looking at her like, she's complaining to him. This is what I interrupted. She's like, who do I complain to? And you can tell he's rolling his eyes. Like, what do you want? And I go, enough. Enough.

And she goes, this doesn't concern you. I said, now it concerns me. And she goes, security on me. On me. And I go, I don't work for you, ladies. I'm like, and they all hate you. And then Veeder goes. This is hilarious. Veeder goes, he goes, this isn't the movie of your life. You're a nobody. Whoa, Veeder coming in with the assist. Veeder calls her a nobody. And then she goes, she panics. She goes, you're short.

And Gary goes, you should see me without my shirt on. I'm like, Gary. He kind of blew it there. He kind of blew it. We had her on the ropes. It was like when you tag in the guy in wrestling and he runs in and then immediately gets knocked out. And I was just like, Gary. And he's like, all right, sorry, sorry. And then I was like – and then I say, you know –

She's still rattled, though, because she's not used to people talking back to her. Yes. You can tell. She needs it, though. She might have wanted to blow you. I mean, I doubt a guy said that to her in 10 years. Well, maybe when he did, he finally left, because it seemed like a single mom situation. Right. But...

you know, finally we go, we fly through, she's getting a full body pat down. And I get a look from the ticket guy, like a nod, like, thank you. Random search. Yeah. Random search. Fuck her. But Gary and I were energized after. Yeah. You got that right. We left and we were like, that was like a second cup of coffee. It's like Batman and Robin. You two. You're fighting crime.

That's awesome. I mean, you see those videos and you know your instinct goes to go for your phone and shame this person. But I'm glad we just did it. You Karen the Karen. I Karen the Karen. Hell yeah. I did. Wow. Karen is sharing. I did.

But that reminds me one time I was at Shoney's with my dad remember Shoney's you know Shoney's it might be a regional thing I've heard of it but I've never I don't know what it is It's like a Ruby Tuesday kind of shit box family place Yeah had a salad bar With the pink and the salt here I'm licking this like at the vagina Let me get my nose in here real quick What happened

So I must have been seven or eight years old. I'm out with my dad. Whenever my dad had no, when my mom was not around, he would just take us out to dinner. He's like, I don't want to cook. So we'd go to Shoney's. I love Shoney's. And this lady is like hitting her kid. The kid is screaming. He's like a two year old. And she's like, shut up.

ah shit and she's like hitting him and the whole restaurant's like oh my god this is brutal and my dad stands up and i'm like oh geez here we go anyway my dad's a nut and he goes lady if you hit that kid again i'm calling social services and the whole restaurant you could hear a pin drop and she goes bitch sit down and he goes hit him again

And even the kid was like, I'm like a two-year-old. He's in a diaper. And I was like, oh my God, it's like a Mexican standoff. And she's like, don't tell me how to raise my kid. He's like, do it again. And then we paid the bill and left and everybody went,

That's the only time these people, by the way, these terrible parents, the only time they are mad is when someone else tells them they're a shitty parent. Exactly. Because they know they are. Right. That's the only time they're actually upset. Yeah, it's very similar to a heckler. You know, when they get thrown out, they're like, oh, I didn't do anything. I was laughing. You're like, no, you're so clueless. You have no idea that the whole room hates you. He took away, your dad took away her power because that kid never looked at her the same way. Ooh.

Right? After that, she was like, yeah, well, you're lucky that guy's not here. Yeah. He'd fucking lay into you. Right, right. He hit it with a nice lady. Yes. Throughout that white male privilege. Well, it sucked for us because now the kid lived with us for a year. No, I'm kidding. That's the sitcom. Yeah. That's the show. Yeah. See, my dad has a little Karen in him. So, like, I've seen him chew people out before and I'm like, ah.

I've been that kid. Older people do sometimes have it. Yeah, exactly. Because they're used to, like, customer's always right. I'm paying you, so you have to act a certain way. I think they have a little of that old school mentality. But hitting the airline employee, it's like, dude, okay.

We've all been the victim of people who treat us like shit at the airport. Sure. But when it's not warranted, you can't do that shit. No, no. I remember I missed – this was like early in my career. I was just trying to save money and I did a website called Cheapo Air. Oh, I know Cheapo Air. Yeah. It was like the alternative to kayak.

It was Expedia or whatever. It was if you're trying to get a deal. And it's like if you're a gambling man, which we were. Oh, yeah. You would do. You get Frontier, maybe a Spirit. Yeah. You would get Connect Flight sometimes on different airlines. Yeah. So this is the game you're playing. You're like, all right, I got a flight for 150. But it's Frontier to Spirit. Yeah. So here's what happens. It's herpes to gonorrhea. It's two horrible things. But when you get it.

Like, you miss the flight, neither airline is accountable. Right. That's the problem. It's like, if you miss a Delta connection, they're like, we'll get you on the next one, sir. Yes. You miss two, they're like, go fuck yourself. You're an idiot. Yeah. You're a cheap idiot. I know. And every time you get on that plane, you're like, it wasn't worth it. No. The seats are wicker. You know, there's like cigarette butts in the handle.

bar and they had an armrest and there's like a cage of chickens next to you. You know, you're like, what am I doing? I should have just paid the $40 extra and got a normal flight. The flight attendant has an S&M whip. What the hell? Yeah, I know. I remember I missed the flight. I was so upset. I had to buy, I think, a $583 ticket to a festival. If I would.

And remember, I told the guy what happened. By the way, cheapo air. When you say that, you won't admit that's the airline. Right. It's the only website that sounds like an insult. You're a cheapo. You're an idiot. So I told the guy, I was like, oh, well, one of you guys has to be accountable. And he go, he just, I remember the guy just laughed in my face. He was like, you're, you're a fool.

he was mocking me and I remember I go fuck you I just lost it and of course I had to buy it and then I moved over and this woman saw she was like come over here and she was like but I still had to buy the ticket that'd be great if you were like fuck you and some lady's like that's enough you crossed the line yeah

No, he was mocking me for like 10 minutes when I was panicking. I was like, you can't. But like if someone's just doing their fucking job. Yeah, yeah. It's crazy. Stav told me he was in Vancouver recently and he missed. They were for whatever reason just kicked him off the Connect flight. Hmm.

And he just missed it. So we got home instead of like 2 p.m. We got home at midnight. And the person and Stav was like, yeah, I had a meltdown on the person. But they had no reason to kick him off the flight. That's crazy when they do that. Sometimes it's warranted. And they just give you that shit eating grin with their vest and their wings behind the desk. So I get it. Your blood's boiling. So if we're talking flights, I got to lay a whopper on you.

All right, so I was going to Cincinnati on Friday. Ooh. Yeah. Not a great flight situation with Cincinnati, but I found a 2 o'clock that lands at 4 o'clock. Two-hour flight, not bad. So risky. I'm doing one of those in a week, and I'm nervous. Everybody's like, it's a little late. I'm like, ah, I get there at 4 o'clock. The show's at 7. I got three hours, you know? It's risky. It's risky. I get there, and they go, right when you get through security, get your phone back. Ah, delayed. Delayed.

Shit. Delayed an hour. All right, so now I'm getting there at 5. Show's at 7. All right. Delayed again. Now I'm getting there at 6, and now we're calling the club and doing the whole, like, okay, you're going to have to land and come straight here with your bags, and you're like, all right, that sucks, but I'll make it work.

Hey, now that it's delayed again, you're going to miss the first show, but we'll get you to the second show. You know, whatever it is. They'll stretch. And eventually... The anxiety. The anxiety. But the glimmer of hope, the silver lining, the ray of sunshine. I took your advice. I got the American Express card. I'm in the land.

Yes. Nice. I didn't even want to get the flight. I had to feed up. I had a hot cocoa. I had a beer. I had a buffet going on. I had a dessert buffet. I mean, I was the asshole in there. I always get that cookie, that caramel cookie. Oh, the cookie. I'm dipping it in the coffee. It was great. I had a face mask on and I had, what are you, kiwis on my eyes or whatever. I mean, I was milking that place.

And they kept being like, delay it again, delay it again. I was like, great, fuck it. Who cares? I was looking up at the wall like, push it back. So then eventually it was like 11 o'clock, so I landed at 1. But that lounge, I mean, it saved me. But...

Here's the problem. I miss both shows Friday, which is always a bitch. I don't know if that's ever happened to me. Oh, it's the worst. I think I miss one. I don't think I miss... Two is brutal. Two is bad because you lose the money. And then I would sign all my merch there. So you lose the merch sales. So the whole thing sucks. But either way, I got there finally at two in the morning. Now, everybody on the plane is cranky because they weren't in the lounge. So they're all just been waiting in the airport, pissed off. Yeah. So I watched a big fight. Yeah.

Not fist fight, but so this lady sitting next to me, she's probably a 60-year-old blonde woman. She's in the aisle. The plane finally lands. It's one in the morning. Everybody's annoyed. She gets her bag down, and then she goes to grab mine to be nice, and she's pulling it down. I got a fat bag, so she's trying to get it out. I'm like, ma'am, I got it. It's heavy. Don't worry about it. She's like, no, I'll get it. I'll get it. Now there's a lady behind her with two kids, and she's like,

my kids have seizures. You're bringing other people's bags down. I got to get off this flight. She's like, man, the door's not even open. Like, what's the difference? Let me bring this guy's bag down. She's like, fuck you. Don't talk back to me. So now they're fighting. Yeah, it got ugly. And there's two kids behind her.

She's got a big Louis Vuitton bag. It's the same woman. Well, this one was a little different. And she's just like, fuck you. And the other one's like, what's your problem? So now the door opens and the blonde lady is just like getting out of there. She's like, this lady's a little volatile. I'm getting off this plane. So then the lady with two kids is like chasing her.

And she's got her two kids in tow, so it's slowing her down. But she's like, fuck you. Yelling in the airport now. I'm like keeping up with these people because I want to watch. And she's like, I got two kids with seizures. Fuck you, bitch. This is why we don't like white people because people like you and the blonde lady is like, what the fuck is going on here? She started this with a kind gesture. I know.

No good deed. So I'm just like, whoa. And I'm getting too close to the crazy lady. And this is at 11 or so when you land. This is about one in the morning. Oh, my God. So there's people in the airport sleeping and looking up like, what the fuck? Guys are on their video games. Like, what's happening? And you don't want to get too close because then now you're in the wake. And she'd be like, what are you looking at?

You know, that whole thing. So eventually she chased her out there and I had to go to baggage claim. But pretty wild. I mean, the tensions are high these days at the airport. Kids have seizures is a weird complaint. I think she's given these kids seizures with these outbursts. Yeah, what the hell? I don't get... What does that mean? I know. So they can just have a seizure? It's like, yeah, but what's...

Three more minutes. Exactly. You just want to take these people and hug them. Like, what's really going on? What's the problem? What do you need? Should I fuck you? What is it? Will that help? Do you want a cookie? Do you want a massage? What is the deal? Should have bought some cookies from that lounge, dude. Hand out some cookies. Everyone's in a good mood. Yeah, that would help.

So you landed at 1 a.m. And you made up the shows or no? I made up. We added one on Sunday. But then it's like a mix of people. Exactly. Did it sell out? It did. But they were like, I did a Q&A at the end and every question was like, where the fuck were you? It's one of those things where you get in trouble. I'm like, the flight was pushed back. Yeah, it's not a fun day for you. It happened to Vito on Thursday when we were in Columbus. He had to...

He was going to do the Thursday and headline that and open for me Friday, Saturday. And he lost his whole day at the airport. Yeah. Same shit. 11 a.m. flight. He's there till 7 p.m. It got canceled. But is he in the lounge? He is. Okay. That helps. That helps. You should see him with his shirt off. Yeah.

One of the worst comebacks. I love Gary. He is shredded. I'll give him that. He's ripped. But you can't... We had her on the ropes. Yeah. You can't... It's funny how you can make fun of a man's appearance, but if you make fun of a woman's appearance, it's like...

Times 10. Oh, we could have. Exactly. We really were holding back. Yeah. Because your short is like a, that's a dig. That's a dig. He could have been like, you're fat. Gary is a bit about how you can, he has a lot of material on how you can say a guy's short. But yeah, yeah. There you go. You're hitting right into his, I'm like, Gary, you got so many bits about this. You couldn't hit it with one of those? I know. Weave that into your act. Get people in the whole airport on board. Right.

Because the shirt off, I don't even know what that means. Like, what, are you going to fight her? I have seen him with his shirt off, and I will say he's very strong. He looks very good, but the fact that we're talking about this, it was too out of nowhere. Mm-hmm. Yeah, well, I'm girthy downtown. What else are you going to say? He should have been like, yeah, I'm short, but I'm tall enough to see that you're a cunt or something. Something like that. This is a real jerk store moment.

I know, I know. But yeah, the airport, man, it's a tough sledding these days.

It's anarchy out there. Anarchy, man. But you had a good weekend otherwise? Great weekend. Cincinnati's cool. Went to Go Bananas to drink with the locals. Had a fun time. Oh, that's far, isn't it? It was about 20 minutes, you know. Oh, that's it? But the funny bone is in Liberty. It's in the mall. I know. So I had to get out. Yeah, the staff there is great. It's a great, really well-run club. It is. But it's in the middle of nowhere. It is, yeah. It's in the burbs, big time.

It's like a 45-minute drive from the airport just to get there. Brutal. That was my opener. It's good to be in almost Cincinnati. I know. I said something like that, too. Something along the lines of, like, where the fuck are we? Yeah. What is this? Yeah, you're in one of those fake towns where they have a little square, you have grass, and then they have a Sephora, an Apple Store, Chipotle. It's all the same shit. It's funny. You get to these mall areas. Like, you know, Gary and I were at a Funny Bone, too. We were in Columbus. Yeah.

the second you get there, you're like, this is kind of great. We have like all these stores we can just walk to. And literally within 15 minutes, we're like, get me the fuck out of here. Malls suck. I know. I hate them. I have nothing. Like, what,

How long can you spend in the lids? Exactly. You walk in the lids, you're like, I can get a hat. You're like, I don't want a fucking hat. I don't need a hat. I don't need this. It's all shit I don't need. I'm like walking around Pier 1 like, oh, maybe I will buy this vase. Like, what the fuck am I doing? I don't need any of this stuff. Gary's like, they have cool jackets and cotton on. I'm like, all right. You know, like, I'm wearing like this. I'm like, this fucking sucks. Yeah, let's check out the REI.

Why? I have a coat. We went to a Cheesecake Factory and I like a Cheesecake Factory. It's the best chain. They're solid. Yeah. But it's this fucking mall. So, of course, we go there on a Saturday. We're only there Friday, Saturday. It's got to be a 40-minute wait to get a table. Oh, yeah. And it's like Saturday morning. So it's...

Must be like nine to one kid ratio to adult. And I'm just like, this is killing me. They're just running around us. Gary and I still don't feel 100%. We're fucking losing our mind. Yeah. I've never been more pro-choice in my life. That's not true. I was on that flight from Orlando. That one too. You're the opposite of Jared Fogle. You see kids and you hate them. You're like, ah, this sucks. Fogle gets in there. He's like, this is great. And I'll never try to sell you on Subway either. The sandwiches too. They're terrible. True.

Yeah. So I'm with you, though. The kids are rough. But you get back to New York and they're like, some lady was pushed on the track. You're like, all right. We're back, baby. I'm back. It's so boring over there. It is funny when you think the city is losing its edge. And then I was like mad. You just you go every block. It's like Starbucks, Walgreens, Rite Aid. And then I was out late at night and there was a guy just in clown makeup on a scooter. And I was like, hell yeah.

This city's still got an edge. Yeah. No one's fucking with that clown guy. I know. I catch myself in Liberty, Ohio. I'm watching videos of the homeless guy who put shit in the woman's face. And I'm like jerking off to that. I'm so bored out here. I'm like, yeah, rub it in. I'm like that poop. This city is going down the toilet. Am I right? No, that's a that is really what a story. Oh, yeah. That the the poop smearer. He was released and arrested again.

What? Yeah, that's actually one of the stories we're supposed to talk about today. Oh, yeah, bring up some stories. There it is. You don't want to hear that guy releases ever. That's not a good sign. No. You know what it's like? It's like in Remember in the Dark Knight when Heath Ledger is like, this city deserves a better class of criminal. And you're like, oh, maybe this is the criminal New York deserves right now. Maybe this is what we get. Wow. Listen to this quote. He said, don't let me out again.

What? He said to the cops after he was arrested in Washington Heights self-storage facility for going berserk on a worker. Oh. And then he said, what am I going to do next to shock the city? He's like a super villain. He is. He's Shitty Riddler. Shitty Riddler. Shidler. Shidler. Adolf Shidler. Yeah. Holy moly. What a psycho. Shidler's list. Leave him in. He wants to be in. Shidler's list. He's got a list he's working on. Ah.

He's got a shit list. Damn. Yeah, this city is, they say they're cracking down, but who the hell knows. That's a pretty horrible crime. Yeah. You walk in on someone taking a shit, you feel violated. Think about how violated you feel if someone smears their own fecal matter. What's nuts is he realized he went viral for this, so he's like looking for the next hit. Yeah, they want attention. He's an influencer. Damn.

Sadly. But it's weird that there's viral for good and bad. I mean, it's like, it doesn't mean that... Oh, wow. Poor lady. It's like six in the morning, just minding her business.

Probably going to some shit job, no pun intended, and then boom, smash in the face with a turd. How do you get over this? How do you? Because you shit every day, too. What you do is you go on Dancing with the Stars next season. You try to turn in a positive press. Look, I know he smears. He's not doing that anymore. He's trying to clean up his image. Yeah, that is tough. Yikes.

Jesus. Oh, wait. I just had. Did you see Batman? I haven't seen it yet. Is it good? I haven't either. No. I want to see it. I want to see it. I want to see an IMAX. But it's three and a half hours or something crazy. It's so long. I've heard our buddy Ronon says it stinks. Yeah. And he's such a hater that I didn't. But he's like, no, I love the Nolan ones. I love the Nolan ones. I do too. They're hard to follow. Yeah. I mean, have you seen it yet? No. No.

beer jew matt peters damn wow we are disappointing white men yeah it's breaking records at box office although it's not doing as well as spider-man did right didn't spider-man kill it i heard that was great i don't know super no way yeah people love it i haven't seen any of the new spider-mans but they're supposed to be pretty good i i only have one spider-man in my heart so toby toby yeah

The cartoon growing up was pretty damn good. That was good. It was funny. He was witty. The Batman cartoons were fantastic. Batman Beyond and stuff like that. Mark Hamill. Incredible. I never knew about that until like three years ago that that was Mark Hamill the whole time. Yep. Call me a boomer, but I like the old pow-bang boom. The Adam West. I like a light. There's some levity to it. Now it's like...

I got diarrhea. It's too serious now. Some studio execs like this poop smear guy's hot. Pattinson, you're out. Boop smear, that's a good name. The poop smear. I think my girlfriend's getting one of those. The poop smear guy's parents got killed.

And now he rains havoc on the city. They died of constipation. Never been the same since. This is the dumbest episode we've done. Oh, see, look at the colors, the technical. It's so 60s. Oh, I love this shit. Holy superlatives, Batman. It's really exciting. Soon, very soon, Batman and I will be batapulting right out of your TV sets and onto your theater screens.

Classically trained actor. Yeah, Burt Ward. Your feature in color opens a whole new world of thrill. Oh, how cool is that? I like that he's got his fucking eyebrows drawn on. Yeah, he's like that chick at the airport. He went to a beauty parlor in Crown Heights or something. Oh, that Batmobile's badass, though.

Look at the bat copter. Adam West fucking rules. Look how cool the villains are. They look like comic books. That Catwoman was so hot. Yeah, dude. What was her name? Julie Newmar. Mm-hmm. Oh, so cheesy. Look at the Dutch angles. Mm-hmm. Oh, Lee Merriweather. Sorry. There's two of them. You're right. You're going to see the perfect crime when I get Batman in my claws. Oh, I love it. Have you heard?

Now, here's my theory. Now, feel free to kick me in the balls here because, you know, I like to get grandiose with my theories. I think life was a little harder then. You know, Vietnam War is cooking, race riots, civil rights, yada, yada, yada. Things are cool now. Well, hold on. But I think people worked hard jobs. You did labor. You watched the news. Yeah, all right. Hold on.

Maybe the theory is debunked. No, no, no. I don't want to stifle it. Prove me wrong here. Everything back then, even James Bond was a lot lighter. Sean Connery is making out with a hot lady on the beach, and then he has a gadget, and he punches the bad guy, and everybody wins. Now Bond is fucking sad and tortured. Batman is tortured.

But I think people have it easier now. I know we have the news and we have Corona and BLM. We still have some things cooking. Ukraine. But everybody's a graphic designer. Everybody works from home. Everybody has an iPad and a laptop. And I think we got to make problems now almost. Whereas then you had problems. So the shows were lighter. Now everything's dark and...

and evil maybe because we have no we have less struggle I think there's truth to that because I think when all the great film noirs came out was post World War II which is like right where people wanted that darkness so right yes but then I also think it just it moves in cycles because like

I think the Batman movies, the Nolan one started with the dark Batman. Right? The other one before that was a little sillier. It was like Batman and Robin and Batman Forever, which kind of sucked. But then it kind of went back with Iron Man, which is like, he's kind of silly. Yes. And quits.

It's a more fun superhero movie than Batman. Batman's dark. Yeah, that's true. Parents are dead. But even Bob Kane, I think we talked about this, even Bob Kane, the inventor of Batman, is like, I don't like Batman now. It's a bummer. I had a fun guy. So he created the fucking thing.

That's fair. Well, I think also, like, there's, at some point, in order to make the series run, like, its course, you can't have it be, like, happy-go-lucky, funny-funny the whole time. You gotta reinvent. Exactly. So, like, what I'm thinking is, like, now, like, we have, like, for example, Deadpool is, like, our funny guy. He's sarcastic. Which is fucking amazing.

by the way. Yeah, he's great. The first one's great. So what, in like what, 20, 30 years are we going to have like the downfall, the actual downfall of Deadpool? I don't know. Even though his story is already like chaotic as fuck. Yeah. But what you're saying is absolutely right because it's,

they only will remake the same shit. So they have to remake it differently, right? Yes. Like, Into the Spider-Verse was a great movie. So these execs are so uncreative. They're like, well, this is a proven commodity. Spider-Man will do well. We're not going to try a new super... Or if they do one, a new one, it's got to be a Marvel one or a DC one. It's got to have some existing IP. Yes. Or they won't take a chance on it. But like, Into the Spider-Verse was a great movie and that was different. Yeah. You see with Madonna. Yeah.

Material girl, you know, long gloves, stockings, sexy. And then it goes to like weird Madonna. Then it goes like techno Madonna. Then it's like kind of urban Madonna. We all like Madonna, so she's proven. So you got to change it up. Madonna, new ass. Then she had an old ass. Then she got another new ass. There you go. Keep it fresh. You know, I followed her at the garden. Yeah, you told me. That's amazing. Crazy, crazy. Did you talk to her? I think I said good set and she went...

Not much. But, oh, so I got to tell you, I went and saw Sebastian Maniscalco on Monday at the Garden. How was that? It was fucking great. And I'm not like a Sebastian head. I'm not one of these guys who's obsessed with him. I got nothing against him. I think he's a cool guy. But I was never a Sebastian guy, you know? And I got free tickets with the same agent. I went.

Sal Volcano, Mateo Lane, Rosebud, great crew. And we all went and saw it. And we got some free drinks and open bar and food. And Pat McGann opened.

Sold out garden. I'm talking... I got to walk in with everybody. People are speaking Italian. It is like Guido in there. It's full on. The old country in Godfather 2? Yeah, exactly. It was wild. There it is. Oh my God. Can you imagine performing to that many people that they're your people? Insane. That's insane. By the way, last time he did the Prudential in Jersey, which is like their garden. Where the Rangers play. Or the Devils, rather. The Devils. And then...

Rangers play here. He's doing Barclays tomorrow. Wow. He sold them all out. So when he's taking that picture, does he turn around to the crowd and say, everyone turn your phones on, your camera lights on, and face them towards me? Does he say anything else? Well, he did his set. It was a great set. Seventh hour, by the way. Wow. All these people have heat and are hip and are cool. He's just writing material and then performing it to his fans. I don't want to say he's under the radar, but like,

You never hear about him as like in the top five. Burr, Louie, Attell, Chappelle. You never hear about Sebastian. And I think he I think it's kind of cool. I respect the fact that he's just like out there working and he's like, I don't need to be the hot guy. It's not about the accolades. It's about the work. Right. I agree.

that's what i'm saying i think that's cool about him yeah and so he did his whole set i mean that's insane look at that it was insane that is massive and he did his set it was great ended on a big story big ending and then he did a whole like it's so great we can come back out this show is rescheduled 50 times and i'm glad we could all make it work on a monday and he did a whole act out like we gotta go see this fucking guy on a monday you know and that was funny and then he goes why don't we do a thing where we get the phones out do

Do the light. We'll all get photos. It'll be great. And it was a nice moment. That's nice. Yeah. So, great night. I like stories like that. As me as my aunt. Yeah, yeah. That's a nice story. But it was cool to see. I'm sitting next to Sal Volcano. Mateo Lane's in front of me. Everybody's...

You know, comics, laughing. I love it. Silly stuff, relatable stuff, observational, no politics, no divide the room, just fun. Pro entertainer. Yes. Total pro, shiny jacket, big movements, good angles. Hard to do arenas as a political act, I would think. A political comedian, that would be tough. Mm-hmm.

Hard to move tickets like that. I know. Because then it becomes dangerous for your comedy because it's like if you have that big an audience, then you're probably pandering. Yeah. Unless... Good point. I can't... It's hard to think of a political comic that... Chappelle? I guess he does issues, but you don't think of him as like a Jon Stewart type. Yeah. But Jon Stewart was never doing those arena... He was doing a show. But it's hard to be a political comedian because...

Part of being, I think, a good comedian is them not always knowing your take. I agree. And once you kind of align with a party, it becomes dangerous, I think, for your comedy. Yeah. Yeah. Because then you got to pander. And then...

That's what I never got. Like, if Trump does something stupid, if Trump shits his pants, I'm going to make a joke about it. If Biden shits his pants, I'm going to make a joke about it. My mom gets upset when I do Biden jokes. Yeah. Mommy's the president. Exactly. This is my job. Exactly. I'm going to make Biden jokes. I'm going to make Trump jokes. It doesn't make sense to split it down the middle. Like, well, I can't make fun of that. It's the left side or it's the right side. And you're like, well, now you're ruining your whole act. Yeah. It should be the funniest thing. Yeah. I won't make fun of Putin. But he seems like a great guy. Yeah.

I heard some model said, I'm against Putin in Russia, and she's missing. Yeah, but her boyfriend killed her. It wasn't Putin. That was a misleading headline. I saw that headline too, and I was like, wait a second.

That's a classic New York Post headline where they're like, what could have happened? I'm like, just tell us in the headline. Don't make me read this whole fucking article. That's all their stuff. They're like, person missing in Russia. And they're like, it was a suicide. Speaking of which, I think I might have to pull out of this podcast because you're part Russian. All right, I'm just kidding. They're doing some of that shit now. I should be the one pulling out then. Yeah.

But there's people like, he's a Russian singer. We can't let him perform here. And you're like, what? Why are you punishing him? It's Putin doing the bullshit. Exactly. It's so tribal. Obviously protesting, which is pretty dangerous there. Sure. Do you want to hear what Putin's doing? My 23andMe is not that. I'm all over Eastern Europe. I'm an Ashkenazi Jew. Okay. Okay. I like how insecure I just got. Guys.

Yeah. In Yugoslavia, you're a Nazi, though. Also, I like that you think Ashkenazi Jew is helping you. So Putin is doing something insanely sinister.

He's taking people and arresting them at the anti-war protests and conscripting them into the army. Wow. That's such a fucking psycho brilliant move. That's the sitcom. That's the joke. But wouldn't they have no incentive to fight? How about a gun to your back saying, go fight or we're going to put you in jail or kill you? Also, the guys who first invaded Econ

had no incentive to fight either. They were told, you could see these interviews online where they captured the first Russian soldiers who invaded Ukraine. They were like, why the fuck are you doing this? They were like,

They told us we were just doing exercises on the border. Whoa. And then they told us to walk in. Yeah, we signed up for a P90X class. I don't know why they're invading a country. It's called Barry's Boot Camp. Get out there. Damn, that's wild. Yeah, the news is so. I was wondering why they're like stealing. Like farmers are towing Russian tanks. Like Ukrainian farmers are towing Russian tanks out.

And they just captured a Russian missile system. Like some Ukrainian farmer with a tractor. Wait, you're Russian? I was born in Ukraine and I'm Russian. Oh, jeez. You're born there? Yeah. Wow, you're like divided within yourself. I mean, yeah. Do you have family there still? Yeah. That's crazy. Are they alive? So, yeah. All right. But did they evacuate? Well, I was born in the Crimea. So in 2014...

That was a big problem. You're Russian now then? I've been Russian, yes, exactly. When I was born, I was born Ukrainian, but now I'm Russian again. This guy has real pain here, Mark. Sorry, sorry. This is a sketch. Venting to Mark. Mark is a terrible therapist. The guy's pouring his heart out. Mark's like, pun!

Here's a pun. No, no, no, no. But like... What's it called? Like, you know, how shitty is it that they have the largest weapon systems in the world and some random Ukrainian farmer just drags it away with a tractor? Yeah. He dragged away a missile system with a tractor. It's insane. It's insane. It's ridiculous. And why? Because fucking these people don't want to be there. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that is really...

It says a lot when people are fucking scrappy and angry and this is everything to them. They're fighting for their country. These people don't want to even be there fighting anyway. No, they got a farm.

That's crazy. Yeah, it is crazy. You see the attitudes of people there and you watch the news and people are like, yes, we were displaced and it's just me and my son. And I, you know, I lost my job, but, you know, we'll be OK. And I'm like, wow, you should see how much I complain. Like I would kill for your outlook on life. I know. I know.

See, they need to get better at that. It's a reminder to be grateful. That's my rec. There you go. We all do. The whole country needs a little of that. We all do. Here's another rec. I might have done this in the pub before. You ever feel low or angry and you have to catch yourself and you're like,

playlist that's cheerful pick-me-up music yeah big what's on your playlist oh you made me feel like dancing oh that song from slap shot great song great song i'm so excited pointer sisters fun shit very good don't play it don't play it the the rights easy great jacket though

Yeah, that's a cool jacket. Can I sing it? You can sing it. You know what mine is? Ace Frehley. I'm back. Back in the New York. I always play that when I land in New York. And I'm like, I am back. And then I'm like, fucking Uber. I do. That's a good song. It's a great tune. Kiss is like another, like a Sebastian where I feel like they're kind of underappreciated. Agree. They kind of got like made fun of corny. Maybe because Gene Simmons seems like he's nuts. Yeah. But...

I mean, they've got some great songs. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. They rocked. I mean, they sold out arenas for years. Also, Alice Cooper's cameo in Wayne's World is fucking amazing. So good. Milwaukee. That's such a brilliant move, too, of these Alice Cooper types who are just like, I'm going to write a song called School's Out for the Summer and

It'll be a hit. It'll play every summer in every school. I'm huge. You know, it's kind of like Queen has a bunch of those. Like, We Will Rock You and all the songs they play at baseball games. Yeah. Brilliant. You just get all the royalties. We Might Be Drunk is sponsored by BetterHelp Online Therapy. Relationships take work. A lot of us will drop anything to go help someone we care about. We'll go out of our way to treat other people well. But how often do we give ourselves the same treatment for me? We'll go out of our way to treat other people well.

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Oh, yeah.

And then I discovered Fannable. Fannable has tickets to everything. There's no fees. The price you see is the price you pay. I mean, that's pretty big, honestly. Not only are those prices transparent, but they're almost always lower than anywhere else I look. And for any hot ticket like Coachella, a Laker game, or Dave Chappelle, Fannable is always the cheapest option. Nobody goes to live events anymore, so why buy tickets alone? Fannable, although if you do come to a show alone, there's nothing wrong with that, honestly. I love that.

Someone tweeted me about that the other day. They're like, I want to, is it weird? My friends bail. Is it weird if I come alone? I said, no dude, enjoy yourself. And you know what? The guy made new friends at the show. I sat with these guys and they were tweeting me too. So you end up having a great time no matter what. Um,

I called you March.

March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March,

Get on it!

I want to play this song so bad. It's a good song. It puts you in such a good mood. I have a lot of songs like that. Mr. Blue Sky. Love it. Electric Light Orchestra. Oh, yeah. A lot of great... You got to have your mix of feel-good songs. I'll tell you what, though. Ukraine. I bet they're watching old Batman and old James Bond. Levity. They need levity. Mark won't let this go. Yeah, he just got it. It's through the bootleg. They're just beating up one of the Russian military guys. Pow! Boom! Yeah.

What about a peeve? Oh, I got peeves. You know that the Ukrainian president is a comic, right? I heard that, yeah. Oh, of course. Yeah, Zelensky. He did the voice for Paddington in their version. Yeah, he's a comic. I mean, this really is like... Stand-ups in America are no longer to refer themselves as brave. Ha ha ha.

That's over. Yeah, we're brave if we gain weight. They're brave if they go to war. He did a one-man show in a turtleneck. He's so brave. Really? Is he talking shit to Putin as he's invading? I know, right? And not leaving his office? Yeah. There he is. There you go. That's pretty good, man. I made that. I like it. That's good. He also played a show where he became the president of Ukraine and then became the president

His friends were like, you should run for, I'm sure right now he's like, fuck these friends. Why didn't you tell me to make a second movie? Ha ha.

I know. We could have done a sequel. I didn't have to actually become president. Yeah. Yeah, but it was like the corrupt politicians, right? He was like, oh, I can oust them. And he did. Oh, I didn't know that. But, you know. That's wild. I think they're releasing that on Netflix now. It's been a big push to get that. Really? For people to see it. Really? But yeah. That's what it takes for a comic to get on Netflix. Exactly. You got to fight Putin. That's the audition. But back to what you were saying about you got to be grateful. We got to soak up the good stuff.

Oh shit, I lost my point. I had something. Just come up with a pun. Damn it. No, it was something. What's your rec? My rec? Oh, I don't know if I have a rec. All right, give me a peeve. My peeve. I got a peeve. And we got to do the rest of the news, right? Oh yeah, we didn't even get to the news. We got it here.

I had this one. You ever have the guy who won't stop reading your texts on the train or in public? He's looking over your shoulder? Looking over my shoulder. And I'm texting some funny stuff and whatever, you know, with comics. And this guy's like... Friend or stranger? Stranger. Completely stranger. And I catch him, so I give him one of these, like, you know. And then I kind of slide back in my seat, and he's doing it again. He couldn't stop reading it. Damn. He couldn't put it down. Yeah, that's pretty annoying. Brutal. Brutal. Just annoys me. It feels...

It feels violating. So violating. So many of our peeves are on the subway, I realize. Yeah. My peeve that I was thinking is also, I was on the train today and I'm walking up the steps and there's a guy just in the middle of the steps standing on a laptop. Wow. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt your home office here. Yeah, right. Okay.

Oh, a laptop. That's bold. It's insane. Yeah. All right. I got another one. How about this guy? The guy who asks you a question and then answers it while you're answering it. You know, he goes, what are you drinking? I'm like, oh, I'm having a salty. And he's like, salty dough.

I was gonna get to it. Just let me get how impatient are you I know you're like five times like you see good movies lately. I'm like I'm looking forward to seeing Batman Batman. I'm like yeah, what is this family feud? This isn't fast money. Just let me answer it you fucking lately your mom Back that way yeah, you didn't see that coming through a curveball your way. Ah piece of shit. Yeah Whose joke was that where he's like? You know what I hate when people are like

You know what I hate? Potatoes. You got to give me a second to guess. Mitch Hedberg, yes. Oh, yes, yes. Brilliant. Colin Quinn had that brilliant joke where he's like, some guy's like, all right, I got to go do my laundry, then I got to take the kids to school. And he's like, sorry, I'm just thinking out loud. And Quinn's like, yeah, that's called talking.

Think it out loud. It's a good name for a special. Think it out loud. Yeah, that's true. I have another good rec. Please. Another shout out to our boy Ronan Hirshberg. It's a classic. I don't know why I never read it. He told me to read In Cold Blood, the Capote book. Yeah. It's insane. Really? One of the best written books I've ever read in my life. It's so well written that you're like, holy shit. Nonfiction, right? It's about a murder. Yeah, it's real. It's a real story. They invented a new genre. Yeah.

True crime? Yeah, but it was called something else. It's called like, it mixes prose with nonfiction. It's written like a story almost. Yeah, it's incredible. Interesting. And it's like, man, it gives you like so many waves of feelings where these people are despicable, these murderers, but also you're like, man, one of them had a really horrible life, but still fuck him. You go like kind of up and down and the way it's written is...

There was that famous line in it where he goes, you know, he kills a guy and he goes, he just casually says, you know, I thought he was a nice man. I, you know, I thought he was a really soft spoken, nice man up until the moment I slit a throat. Whoa. Says it like very calmly. And you're like, you're fucking crazy. Whoa.

Did you see Capote? I did, but I wasn't. Must see it again. I got to watch it again now that I read the book because I wasn't. It was one. I think I had a few drinks and I was like, this is good. But I and I think I made it like halfway through and fell asleep. So I got to do a whole. It is one of those. It is one of those. It's slow. It's a hard one when you've had a few in you. Right, right. There's real drama in it, though. There's real drama in it, though. Yeah, no, I mean, and he's he was the best actor. Yeah, I love Kelvin Keener, man. Oh, I love Keener.

Great, great movie, but I could tell it was a good movie, and I should have gone back to it. Yeah, yeah, I remember seeing it, too, and I don't really remember it, but I was in and out, but I remember thinking, the guy is nailing it. Yeah. He was such a good Capote. What, any recs?

Damn, I've been watching. You watching Severance? I gotta watch it. Ben Stiller directed it, right? I heard it's really slow, though. It's slow, but it's shot beautifully. It's got a great look, great aesthetic, and Adam Scott is good, but it's a churner. You gotta really sit with it, because it's one of those that just...

puts you right in the middle of it, and then you're kind of trying to piece it out over the show. So I did the first two episodes, and it's coming together slowly, but it's heavy. It's very Malkovich-y. He's in it, isn't he? Is he? Oh, maybe not. I didn't see him, but I'm only two in.

Oh, maybe I'm thinking of someone else. No, I do want to watch it. It's eerie. Torturo's in it. He's great. Yeah. He's a good guy. Good comic. I'm a good comic. Good actor. Yeah. I've been watching, like, I watched that...

I watched like the first two episodes of that bad vegan thing on Netflix. Oh, boy. I was like, fuck this shit. Yes, I got two episodes in. I was like, this is the same thing over and over and over again. It's the same. It was repetitive and not well made. Make it one episode. Make it one episode. They won't do it. Too much of this shit. Making a murderer could have been three episodes. I know. It's why I just want to watch a classic movie. Yeah. Even when a movie is slow, at least they did it. They got it all.

Certain shows, like I love Succession. There's some shows like that, but I'm watching these docs and I'm like, get to it. I know. I know. We got it. We don't need this much exhibition. Is that the word? Expository? Yeah, exposition. Yeah, we don't need this much exposition. Well, I don't know if that's the right word. Well, they have to tell you the backstory. Yeah, yeah. I guess that is exposition. Yeah, it's too much. It's a...

Dude, and they just it's the same shit over and over again and and and then I was like, let me just look up what happens That's it. Exactly. They got a milk they milk they milk. Yeah Ford exposition. There you go Yeah, too much what are the news is there I got a new baby

It says, West Side, sorry? The Academy is facing harsh criticism after West Side Story lead Rachel Zegler revealed she wasn't invited to the Oscars. Despite her film having seven nominations. Isn't she the lead? She is. She's Maria. Yeah.

I just met a girl named Maria. Sorry. I love that. Tonight, tonight. I'm staying home tonight. I don't know if we're going to get sued, Matt. That's crazy.

Wow. I heard the movie's great. I haven't actually seen it. It's beautiful. I saw a frame. Someone posted it. It was like a two and a half minute frame, and it was like one of the most beautifully shot. Spielberg really is incredible. Incredible. He's so mainstream that he gets, I think he gets knocked for that, but he's great. It's like Sebastian. He's mainstream. So everybody's like, ah.

but Spielberg's killer. He's incredible. I mean, Indiana Jones, so many classics. I want to see, I should watch it. It's on HBO, I think. Yeah, and this was like her big break. Oh, I looked, just the scene. I love the colors. This is the one, that's the one. Who is that guy? That's his cousin. That's him? Is that okay? Ha! Ha!

Do you see him at dinner? I don't talk to him. I've seen him. We've hung out a couple times. He's a really nice guy. I don't talk to that. I don't talk to Bob, really. What are you going to do? I've seen the original like 800 times. I love that movie. And this looks even better. It looks gorgeous. I'm going to watch this this weekend. Yeah, me too.

Wow. The lyrics are killer, too. It's incredible. Is it a Hammerstein? Yeah. Sondheim? One of the Heims. It was Sondheim and who else? It was Sondheim and someone else. And he was a kid. He was like 28 when he wrote it. Whoa. Dude. Yeah, they just did a CBS segment on Sunday in the park with George. And it was the other guy he wrote it with. And then it was like, what's his name? Bernadette Peters. Sondheim. And the other guy who is, you know, you know what I'm talking about. The famous Broadway actor. Oh.

Oh, the redheaded lady. Yeah, it was Bernadette Peters, but it was a guy too. What's his name? Just look up Sunday in the Park with Mandy Patinkin. Ah, Patinkin, I love. Yeah, some great songs in that too, but you know, she was like 28 when he wrote West Side Story. Unbelievable. It fucking makes you feel like shit. Officer Krupke is incredible. So good. Great lyrics. Yeah.

When you're a jet, you're a jet all the way from your first cigarette to your last dying day. You're never alone. You're always protected. So good. It'd be great if he just sang the whole song. I would have listened. That's how good the music is. It's great. Tonight, tonight. It's incredible. The romantic parts are boring. Yeah, but the killing. Hell yeah. Also, you know what? I watched Belfast. It's really good. I liked it.

I haven't seen it. I'm down. It's a good movie. Okay. What happens in that? It's about the- Love story? No, it's a coming of age story. Oh, okay. In Belfast. It's good. It's a good movie. That's the name of the Jared Fogle book.

Coming of age. I got to stop. Get off the phone. I know who's pedophile. I got to update my pedos. Who's the new pedo? Art Kelly? Oh, Epstein. There you go. Perfect. I need a new pedo. Huey Lewis' lost album. Yeah, I saw there was a headline that said Epstein's pedophile island on sale for $125 million. I was like, maybe change the name. Ah!

Maybe you'll get even more than $125 million. Sounds like a reality show. Yeah. Petafile Island. Yeah. Coming on after Fuckboy Island. It's like how they do that in real estate. They're like, it's Prospect Park East. Now that's fucking Crown Heights. Shut up. What other news? We got one here. The nose knows. It says Bella's mother, Bella Hadid, I guess, Yolanda, allowed her 14-year-old daughter to get a nose job.

Is that too young for cosmetic surgery? I mean, I know you're trying to sneak this into a trans debate right now. Here's my thing. No, I mean, I think if you're a kid, do whatever you want. But, you know, if your parents are okay with it, right? But at the same time...

Sometimes the thing that you don't like about yourself as a kid is going to be, I mean, what if Owen Wilson got a nose job? Oh. I mean, that's like, you know, sometimes it's the thing that you're known for. It's true. I hate my eyebrows, but people recognize my, or the fact that Matt's a pedophile. You never know what people are going to like about you. That's true. That's true. When I was a kid, I had big curly hair and I got made fun of. And now I'm fine.

I'm fine with having curly hair. You know? It's... You can also accept things about yourself. Yeah. 14 is pretty young. I think you should stop... It's a little young. You should allow your body to fully grow before you make these decisions. Yeah. Because, like, what if her nose keeps growing after 14? Right. You got another one? I almost got a penile implant. I'm so glad I didn't. Because, you know, it's too big. It's too big. Yeah. What...

Yeah, what is too young? 14 is pretty young. Too young, I think. You're still in high school. You're a freshman in high school. It's too much. Yeah, you're barely in high school. Yeah. That's young. That's crazy. Crazy. You could get hotter. Like a lot of people grow into their looks. That's a hilarious thing for a parent to say. Look, you might not always be an uggo. We don't know that. Yeah, you might change. We don't.

Your body is changing. I don't know who she, who is she? Bella Hadid? Yeah. Oh, she's a big model. I know she's famous, but what is she famous? She's a model? She was married to someone until very recently and they got a- Well, she, her dad was a big mogul of some kind. Like an oil guy. I think she was married to one of the guys from One Direction and they recently- Oh.

Harry Styles? No. I don't know that One Direction. Don't act like you don't know, Matt. I do. We all know you know all about One Direction. Oh, my Jared Fogle? That was the last one. Yeah, she's good looking, but now she's saying, hey, what if I had kept the nose? Maybe I'd be even better or whatever. So you can't take it back.

Oh, I'm sorry. She dated The Weeknd. Her sister married the other guy. The Weeknd? Yeah. Oh, he's good. Yeah, I like him. He's big. Yeah. What else? What other news? Hold on. Stand by. Snoozy news. Yeah. Brittany Griner? Is that her? Oh, she's in jail. Yeah.

Yeah. Still? Yeah. She's detained, right? She was detained at Moscow airport for drug charges. Hash oil. Yeah, that's a strange one. You know what happens with these WNBA players is they play overseas because they get paid so little in America. And you got to buy your drugs there. So she makes like four times what she makes in the WNBA in Russia. But then I'm sure she, my guess, I don't know this story enough, but my guess like

If you have hash oil, you're probably smoking. Every player smokes. Not every player, but a lot. Inflammation, maybe you're doing that to relax your joints or something. Or maybe you're just fucking or chilling. But either way, it's like some Midnight Express shit. Totally. And I read that her family was like, they don't want this to be politicized or something. But also, because it is. It's clearly being politicized. But she's considered...

I don't know, like top three best female players ever. Is she the one that dunks? I think she's like 6'9". I think she's dunked. 6'9".

Yeah. Wow. That's wild. It's crazy. Also, it's like it's kind of fucked up that it's such a big story. The Leah Thomas thing is such a big story. People are so angry. It's like you're angry about that, but not about Brittany. Do you actually give a shit about women's sports? Oh, because this person's in. She's detained. Yeah. Somebody had an interesting take on the Leah Thomas thing. They were like, I know a lot of people are up in arms, but I never knew anything about women's swimming. And now I know a lot about it.

So it's like bringing light attention to it, which is interesting. I think the truth is the other way that people don't really give a shit about it. I have a bit about it that I'm going right now. I think I ran a bite. I might have ran a bite. Oh, yeah, yeah. Sorry, go ahead. Where I say I was talking to a guy and he was like, he said...

You know, this is... There should be an asterisk on those wins. And I said, I call bullshit. He goes, exactly. I was like, no, that you care about women's sports. That you care about women swimming. You don't give a shit. And the bit was basically like, I've never heard you talk about it. You've never shown me that you give a shit. And then he was like, well, what if I have a daughter who becomes a competitive swimmer? And I was like, you won't. You're 55 and you have a roommate. If you have a kid, I have a feeling it's not going to be a winner. Yeah. You know? And in that case, if it is, you know. But...

It is one of the things that annoys me just because it's like, this is the issue. This is the one-ish time you give a shit about the issue. Right, right. You know what it feels like? And feel free to kick me in the balls here. I got another theory. Batman in the 60s. Well, it feels like I think this kind of went down in the 40s with the black players. You know, they're like, hey, can I get another one? Thank you, sir.

This could be a funny bit. Okay. In the 40s, the black guys started playing, integrating with the white players, and I'm sure they were saying the same thing, like, we'll never win again. They keep beating us. They're mutants. This is a bit. This could be a bit. Okay. Maybe I got something here. I would take out the mutants line. Well, that's what they said. But it's a good premise for a bit. Yeah. Like, hey, these guys, I got to shower them. It's all dick. Yeah.

We'll never win again is a funny line. Yeah, it's unnatural.

They should stick with their own people. It's the same argument. Oh, yeah. They're saying they should make a class just for trans athletes. Make a Negro League. Negro Leagues. There you go. Well, I guess they already had it. You have to admit. But it's like, yeah, it is, as you said, bringing more attention. And it's like, if you're going to watch it, don't you want to watch it now? Of course. That was his point. Yeah. It's spicy now. But the Brittany Griner shit is so crazy to me because it's like, all right.

Here's what we need to do with this. You make Air Force One, but with a six foot nine black lesbian as the lead. She's beating the shit out of Putin in the movie. That's the movie. Talk about a place that doesn't understand our culture in that way, but still pays them more.

I mean, it's pretty crazy. I'm actually surprised because Russians are always competing with us. Space travel, all this sports and shit. So I'm shocked that they want our players over there to show them up. Maybe they just don't have a female basketball team, but I assume they would. Russia. Yeah, they must. I don't know the specifics of it. Are we just that good over here? The American players are really good. Yeah. I think America is just the best at basketball. Yeah. I mean, there are great foreign players now. Well, don't we get blown out in the...

Olympics? We won the last one. Last one. We had Durant, dude. Yeah. They're not beating the USA when Kevin Durant is playing. We didn't look amazing, but we still won. Yeah. KD is unstoppable. But there are great foreign players now. Yeah.

There you go. All right. What else? What are the news? Yeah, you got another one there. Jalopy, jalopy. Let's see. 9-11 tribute museums closing. Oh, what? The smaller of two museums built to honor the victims of September 11th attacks.

With businesses down more than 80% due to the coronavirus pandemic, the institution simply couldn't survive. So it's closing. Whoa. They couldn't survive. So now the cashiers call themselves survivors. I guess they forgot. Yeah, never forget. That's crazy. There's still one that's open, though? I guess it says one of two.

I mean, how many do we need? That's true. I mean, how many museums? Two towers. Two buildings. Wow. That's crazy. I mean, I went, but you don't go more than once. I never went. Right. Don't get a lot of repeat customers. Exactly. You got it. Yeah. All they need is a mural, a statue, and they got that pond down there, that fountain for 9-11 remembrance. The reflecting pool. Reflecting pool. Yeah. So what else do we need? We need a gift shop.

You know? What's in the gift shop? What do people buy? I don't know. I got a button that says there were no Jews in the building. So I don't know. But it was 50% off. It was going at a business sale. What the hell? That's crazy. I have another story. It's not here. But Elon Musk threatened or challenged Putin to a fist fight for the rights of Ukraine. That's adorable. The winner takes Ukraine. That's fun. Yeah.

How great? That's like, that's fun. Can he fight, Musk? I don't know. Putin's kind of old, but he does know jiu-jitsu. He's KGB. Thank you. I still feel like Putin would kick his ass. Yeah. It'd be a big turnout. I mean, fuck Logan Paul. This is a show. I mean, the numbers. Although, Logan Paul would kick his ass. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. No doubt about it. But what about, damn, Musk? I didn't know he could fight. Who knows? It's...

Yeah, you know, like he's got the best trainer, obviously. He's probably going to, you know, be ready. Yeah, but that trainer might be blowing up his ego a little too much. Right, probably. You're paying him, what, $600 a session with that kind of money? Oh, yeah, you got him. You got Putin. He's a judo master, but you got him. He's over the hill. Just, you know, like. Yeah, he's a cord. Although Putin's got a bad back. I think he's like, there's a lot of wear and tear. Mm-hmm.

There you go. Yeah, but he also has been a judo master for the last like 20 years. He's scary. He's a scary guy. His black belt was recently revoked though. Yeah, he's been thrown out of every institution. Yeah, the Jiu Jitsu Society or whatever said we're taking back your black belt because of this Ukraine business. So he's not a black belt anymore. But he's got the belt.

I don't know. That's a little tough. I think he's going to be okay with it. I mean, he's sleeping in a $1.7 billion compound. Is that right? Yeah. So I think he'll be okay with losing a piece of cotton. Yeah.

Damn. Did you ever do martial arts? Not really. Did you? I did judo for like a year. Are you good? No. I got beat up too many times. I had to leave. So I think I got to like yellow belt or orange belt. Can you fight at all? Uh-huh.

I can hang in. I'm like cool hand Luke. I'll get beat up, but it's so long that the guy's like, all right, we're done here. Same, same. I just hope that episode where Homer just gets punched in the face sometimes. Yes, exactly. I just hope they get tired. Yeah, I can hang in, but I'm not winning. You know, I think what we just revealed is Mark and I drink. Mm-hmm.

We can't fight, but we will not feel the pain until the morning. Right, right. Yeah. There was a fight, I don't know, it's a UFC fight with Sean O'Malley where he's like this great fighter and he's beating the shit out of this one guy, but the guy wouldn't go down. So the ref was like, I don't know what to do here. And he's just punching him in the face. The guy's face is mangled, bloody pulp. And...

And they just had to call it like, all right, we got to stop. And he was like, I'm still good. And he was like, wow, I just can't let you do this to your face. That's pretty bad. It was pretty bad ass. And the guy became famous just from that fight, even though he didn't win. That cool hand Luke scene is so cool. I mean, watching that growing up was like, hell yeah. That big guy who beat the shit out of him. I forgot the name of that actor, but he's from Naked Gun. That guy's great. Kennedy? Yeah.

George Kennedy. Yeah, there you go. That's Kuhan Lucas. Man, Paul Newman was the shit. I know this podcast, because of us, it always will turn into a movie talk. I know. But fucking Paul Newman, dude. I think what, Hud blew him up, I think. Yeah. Hud is a great movie, and then the Hustler, but like Kuhan Luke is like, is he ever cooler than in Kuhan Luke? The best. Yeah. He's in The Sting. Sting is good. The Sting is good, too. It's a good heist movie. Yeah. Yeah. Road to Perdition was the jury one.

The Verdict is the verdict. That's his best movie. Great movie. You think so? It's incredible. He's not powerful and virile. He's pathetic. Pathetic, and I can't make that my favorite film of his. It's not the coolest movie, but I think it's the grittiest. It's the best. Mammoth, dude. Yeah, it's great. Yeah, no, Quahand Luke is great, and so is Butch Cass. He's pretty good. Oh, Butch Cass. That was a big one.

It's not as good as Cool Hand Luke. No, but it was big. By the way, we talked about Ronan speaking of movies. We should say that his special is recording on the 11th at the Village Underground. Will this be out by then? Yeah. This is April 3rd. Ronan Hirshberg, comedy seller. Matt's directing it. He is one of the best stand-ups. There he is. He really is. Killer. He's a machine, dude. He makes such great jokes and...

Guaranteed this will be a killer special. He's been in Europe running it. Oh, yeah. He's touring like crazy. He was already a good comic. It's good he's going to finally put that hour down and you guys get to go see it at the Cellar. The Comedy Cellar at the Village Underground. Two shows. 8 and 10. 8 and 10 p.m. April 11th.

If I'm in town, I'll be there for sure. Yeah, I'll pop into that. Do you know who's opening? It's like on Monday. I think it's Caitlin Lufo. Oh, fun. Perfect. This is so good. I know. I can't put it down. Cheers. Well done, sir. Ukraine. So you got any bits? Yeah, what do you got, Mark? Bits, bits. I forgot about bits. I like it. All right, I got too many. I haven't seen you in a while. Here we go. Okay. Uh...

Oh, that's not good. Shit, I had a big one. Now I can't think of it. Is this anything? Mental illness is very popular now. It's fashionable. Like, hey, I have anxiety. I'm depressed. I'm OCD. But no one ever claims narcissism?

That's the one mental disorder that no one's like, you know, I'm a narcissist. Like, you don't see anybody say that. Like, oh, yeah, sorry, I'm inconsiderate and don't think about you. But I'm a narcissist. Well, the thing is, a narcissist would never think about themselves as having a negative attribute. That's a good point.

It would be too good to be a narcissist. Yeah. Right. It would be hard for a narcissist to identify that in themselves. It's a great point. But it's also, it shows that it's an uncool one to have. Exactly. Because if you say like, oh, I'm depressed, depressed people get attention. You're the victim. You're the victim, right? But the narcissist makes you, you're the victim of my life. You're the victimizer. Yeah. That's a good, see, narcissism, others suffer. Yes. That's great. Right? Isn't that the bit? That's the bit. That's the meat of it.

It's the rise of dominant narcissism. Yeah, and narcissism, I think it's up. Like, I'm thinking of other stuff. Who is the first narcissist you think of? Trump.

Yeah. Others suffer. Right. He's having a blast. Yeah. His wife. Right. His kid. His kid, right? Us. Us. But like, you know. But you know, you see a guy. Any politician is a narcissist for the record. Sure, sure. No doubt about it. But like, you see a guy doing the locks five times. Like, what are you doing? I'm OCD. They're very quick to tell you. They're proud of it. Oh my God. Did you just do Rick Glassman's podcast? Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

But they'll never go, oh, sorry, I never call you back or whatever you, I fucked you over. I'm a narcissist. Because it's inconsiderate. Yeah. It's weird when your disorder has the same attributes as someone who's just a shitty friend. Right, right, yeah. But it would actually be growth to admit it. Yeah. But narcissists don't really have growth.

Yeah. Two up their own ass. I'm a narcissist. I'm sorry. I'm a narcissist. Although...

They don't apologize either. Yeah, they say I'm a narcissist. You really have got to get better friends. This is on you. I actually have a bit where I say, yeah, you've heard that bit. Yeah, I love it. I say, you know, I was dating a girl who was always mad at me. I told my therapist, she goes, well, she picked you. She has to accept you. And I was like, that's good stuff. I'm going to use it as a weapon, you know. And I come home shit-faced. Where were you? I go, this is a you problem. You've got to work this out. But different bit, though. But it's just...

You think I could use this? Yeah, absolutely. It's absolutely a German board. What do you got? I have a lot of Ukraine jokes. I have a lot of Russia jokes. And I had one I was trying to work on about how...

This is really the first major war with camera phones. Oh. Which really, it's really a different war. Thank God we didn't have that for other wars. You think like Vietnam, you just look at footage, you're like, oh my God, turns out Grandpa wasn't a hero. This guy's a terrible person. Right. Not only did he turn in one of his own, he impregnated three locals. Something like...

It's also harder to respect your war grandpa when he's like, hey, everybody, we're out here with the chopper. That's the chief over there. He's taking a shit. We got opium over here. We're having a good time. The selfie video. Yeah, we were in it, man. We were in it. Looks like a pretty nice tent. Right.

That's funny. That's great. The camera phone is big. Yeah, it's like, was the war that serious if you're on Snapchat? Yes, yes. We're out here in Saigon. Like and comment. Subscribe. Don't forget to subscribe.

Yeah. The one guy is like, yeah, grandpa, he gave away our position because he couldn't stay off TikTok. That's great. That actually happened. Yeah. What? Yeah. Some guy in Ukraine was at the mall and said, oh, there's tanks parked here on his TikTok. Mall got blown up hours later and now he's under arrest. Whoa.

But he got a lot of followers. Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's actually pretty good. And how many views? And that happened during like the, actually in 2014 where they first took over Crimea, there was a, I think it might have been like a vice reporter or someone who followed a Russian soldier because they wouldn't say that there was actual Russian soldiers in Ukraine. Yeah.

They followed a Russian soldier's Facebook pics. Oh, shit. And followed them all the way across the border and into the Crimea. Clearly, they are here. That's crazy. They took pictures with his pictures, like, lined them. Wow. Clearly, this is happening. You're an idiot for tagging yourself. Technology and social media, it's going to change history books. It's so fucking weird. It's crazy. You're going to fuck up history books because then you're going to have 18 different history books with, like...

basically it's gonna be like hashtag this hashtag that those are the classes that you're taking your attention span is it's my attention span i feel i already had bad at abd but it's like even when i'm reading a book i like to put it down for a minute i'm like let me look at this let me put on the tv first i have like a basketball game on that i'll be reading a book i'm like peeking over the basketball score how much how much do we need i know i know it's i'm in the shower with a podcast playing and then i get out and i'm

drying off with the TV and the podcast still play. It's sad. It's horrible. And I have the news on all day on top of it, and I don't know why I can't. It's like part of my routine, and I can't break the habit. That's bad. I should put it off. It's so negative just coming at you. So negative. There's nothing good on the news. There's no more of that squirrel skiing. Those are the good old days. That'd be hilarious if they're like, we have some bad news in Ukraine, but first, Charlie the squirrel right here. Boulevard.

I love that little guy. That squirrel fucking rule, dude. Oh, great squirrel. That was brightening people's lives. Dude, I long for the day of Pizza Rat. You kidding me? Totally. They're like, we have breaking news. Bagel Rat, the new rat, is on the scene. There he is. This is the note we're going to end on.

Oh, no. What? What? I got a commercial. Here it is. Oh, he climbs on the skis. He's adorable. He's just trying to live. Hell yeah. He's living his best life, as they say. Is this animal abuse? No. He's got a rope around his neck. I'm going to go with yes. Wait, he does? Yeah. Remember Robert Shimmel's joke about the animals at SeaWorld? They're like, how does he pedal? Easy. They nail his legs to the fucking bike. What do you think?

Woo! I love how it's sponsored by GoPro because it's like from squirrel... from humans in squirrel suits to squirrels in fucking... Oh, right. Well, they don't have to pay the squirrel. All right, I found the joke I really wanted to try, but I couldn't save it because I kind of cheated. Do it! All right, all right, all right. So, doing this whole chunk about how women are sexier than men because men don't want to be sexy. We're only sexy on accident. You know, women could just turn it on. You know, that's why there's...

I get annoyed when guys bitch about women's feelings. Like, oh, women are so emotional. They have all these feelings. And I'm like, yeah, but thank God. Because if they didn't, they wouldn't be with us. You think they're with us for our looks? They can see through it. They can see other shit in men because of those feelings. Like he's ambitious or he's funny or whatever. And then I have this whole act out about like, I know a girl, she's obsessed with smart men.

And I'm like, I get it, but how does that play out in the bedroom? Because a lot of the shit men find sexy, you can do in the bedroom. You know, like legs or tits. But the shit women find sexy, like intelligence, is some guy like, oh, hypotenuse. And that hits, but it's shaky. The feelings are what women like. That's the only reason they're with us. It's not my thin dick and 5'10". There's something about... There's something about...

like saying something very observant, you know, like you're saying something like, uh,

Do you show how informed you are while you're fucking her? Oh, yeah. You're just like, what's happening in Ukraine? It's horrible right now. I don't know if you saw the news story. She's like, oh my God, turn me over. There's also a lot of geometry, trigonometry going on. So maybe if you can do the math right, the G-spot's easier to find. Physics. Yeah, if I put the leg like this. I don't know if you remember when you lost your virginity, but it's...

The angles are weird. Of course. Yeah, you're new. You know? You're green. So sometimes I wish I had the calculus education to, you know, get that right the first time. They really teach you everything but the shit you need. Can we get one class on how to angle yourself in the push-up position? Yes, please. Can we get one? Taxes, cunnilingus. There's all kinds. I don't need algebra. I had a great coach who would do the health class, and dude, he was so funny. He had George Carlin's voice. Mm.

He was a bearded cranky Jew who played college baseball for Memphis. And he would just say fucked up shit and then be like, oh, I'm racist. He goes, I went to Memphis. 14 black guys, 10 whites. What?

one Jew. I would be like, yeah, no one called you racist. But he was just fucking, he would just like pick fights or he'd do like, he'd do the thing where he'd like put his finger through the, the, Oh my God. He was such a classic. He was so funny.

that's great that wouldn't fly now and jim no no dude he got he got laid off i mean he got another job he was great but i mean the guy who was in charge hated him he was so funny i mean he was legitimately a funny dude i hope he's all right he's all right he's doing well all right he sent me a message recently he's doing he's doing well oh wow you keep in touch

Good to keep in touch. I agree. I agree. I don't know anybody from any teacher. I mean, I had a teacher come to my show in Kentucky. I was shocked. That's crazy. I was in the run on. Yeah.

What was that like? My teachers hated me. Yeah? Yeah. Did they know they were coming to see you? Yeah. How fucking weird would that be? Yeah. Holy shit, I taught this guy English in seventh grade. Yeah. Yeah, of course. He lives in Kentucky and he saw I was going to play there. Wow. Damn. It was nice. It sounds like you went to a good school. I did. Yeah, yeah. I went to public school and it was a lot of like, fuck you, sit down, you know. Well, there was that too. But yeah, I think also it's like they didn't like me, a lot of them at the time, and now they're like, ah, he's all right. Yeah.

I think it's a lot of like he grew. Right. I guess I never grew. I didn't like you then. I don't like you now. I had a teacher, Miss O'Dwyer. And one time she was like, we were talking about something. And she goes, what does that mean? And I go, Miss O'Dwyer, you got to get out more. And she was like, that's it? Detention? I'm like, what? That's it? One time I said, up yours. I didn't know what it meant. I just saw Bill Murray say it. And I got in trouble for that. Detention's really changed. Because we deal with detention now. Right.

Brittany Griner's in detention. Right. She's in the detention center. Right. Detention back in the day, it was fucking... It was an hour. An hour after school, no talking to your friends, then you can go home. It wasn't, you're in Russia and you're going to be politicized. It felt like it though. You're like, oh, detention. It's brutal. A whole hour. And you, of course, we all saw the Jed Nelson scene in Brantley's Club. So you're like, come at me, teach. Yeah.

Oh, this summer? Let's go. And the second it's over, you're like, fuck, I ruined my whole. Yeah. All my plans are shot. I was trying to be Judd Nelson in Breakfast Club. You see this? That's what you get for spilling paint in the garage. I've seen that movie too many times. He was the fucking man. He was the coolest. Judd Nelson for life, dude. Remember when he shoved his head in the crotch? That was big. Oh, yeah. Molly Ringwald. Oh, yeah. She was one fine piece of ace. Yeah.

What about the scene where he's walking through the ventilation duct or crawling and he's like, he tells a joke, but he never finishes it. Oh, let's hear it. I don't know. You got to pull it up. But as a kid, I was like, what's the punchline? Because he falls through the vent. Too busy looking up the crotch shot here. Hold on. Oh, yeah. All right. Let's do the joke. That's assault, brother. Yeah, let's do the joke. That's assault, brother. Anthony Michael Hall. Yeah. Who was a really hot goth chick?

Ally Sheedy. She was hot. Yeah, she was hot. She drew a picture of snow and then used her dandruff. That was the thing that I remember most from that movie. Yeah. The principal is so good. He's great. He was in a ton of shit. He was in Money Talks with Chris Tucker. He was in Die Hard. Yeah. Die Hard. Okay, girl in a bar with poodle under one arm. Two foot salami under the other. Two foot salami under the other. She put his poodle on the table.

Bartender says, I suppose you won't be needing a drink. And then the lady says. Okay. See? I suppose you won't be needing a drink. She's got a poodle under one arm and a salami. A two-foot salami. And what did he put on the bar? Put the poodle on the bar. So now she's just holding a two-foot salami. Yeah. And I'm guessing it's going to be a dirty joke. Yeah. So immediately salami, we think. Sure. But is this a well-known joke that everybody in the audience is like, oh, I've heard that.

And we just were too young? Or you got to Google it. We're going to the comments. I don't know. Can someone finish this unfinished joke? Thank you. This is why the internet comes in handy. I believe it's never intended to be finished, but I'm curious. Ah. And it starts with...

All right, we just saw that. I need an answer, Reddit. Blonde says... Anyone want to read that? Blonde says, I definitely do after what just happened to me. Bartender says, I'm so sorry. What happened? The blonde says, well, my boyfriend and I were just about to make love when out of nowhere, the crazy bastard says, I'm going to pound my favorite bitch with my giant sausage. So I grabbed them both and got the hell out of there. Okay, she was afraid he was going to fuck the dog with the salami. Right. So this...

It's not a great joke. Not a great joke. But it's a great setup to a joke, like you would expect. Like if you were to say, give me the front half of a joke. Right. It's pretty good. That's a pretty good setup. I'm nervous when the setup's too big. It's like when the windup's so big, then you're kind of, it's just building, it's building expectations. Agreed. The simpler, the better. A midget walks into a bar, says ouch. Yeah. You know, you're like, all right, that's a joke. Horse walks into a bar. Why the long face? Boom. Comments are saying. Yeah, that was home crap.

Comments are saying that guy came up with himself. It recently revered in Premier Magazine that there was no punchline. According to Judge Nelson, I made the joke up.

My line was to fall into the room. Did you call him Judge Nelson? Reinhold. All rise. Order. They had that on the animated clerk show. Did you ever see that? It was the Honorable Judge Reinhold. He was an actual judge on the show. That's fun. So he says, so we were trying to work backward from that. What the joke would have a punchline. Okay. All right. Well, I feel better that it has no ending because that was my whole life. I didn't like the favorite bitch line.

Line anyway. Not my favorite, no. All right. Well. Had a lot of salt today. Yeah. What was lunch? I just had like snacks. Uh-oh. Light stomach. Could hit you hard. How about what did you eat? Me and him got a barley soup and a half of pastrami on rye. Where'd you go? Ben's Delicatessen. Good? So good. We've gone there 10 times now. Is that Chinese place closed down for good? I think so. Fuck! Yeah.

All right. Well, we got a Patreon to do. All right. Well, you guys have been great. Make sure to subscribe to the Patreon. Patreon.com slash we might be drunk pod. Email us. Rex jokes, whatever. Peeves. Yeah. We might be drunk pod at gmail.com. If you want to send us shit. Gotham Studios on 39 West 38th Street. Mark, you're hitting the road, man. I'm on the road every weekend. Coming to a town near you. D.C., Raleigh, Cleveland, Chicago, Chicago.

Denver, Phoenix, Irvine, California, you name it. I'm all at Dania Beach, Indianapolis. I'm all over the road. It's going to be a fun year. What else we got there? Addison Improv. Great club. Austin Paramount Theater for Moon Tower. What else you got there? Phoenix, Arizona. Phoenix, Colusa, California. It's some casino. That should be interesting.

Addison Improv in May. That's Dallas. Yeah, yeah. Bricktown? Does that say Bricktown? Yeah, OKC. That's good. Good club. Good room. Good crowd. San Jose Improv. Santa Blanca. Yeah, so a lot of fun dates. MarkNormanComedy.com. Check out Out to Lunch. Check out the stand-ups on Netflix. And the merch is cooking. We got koozies. We got those glasses. People seem to be enjoying the glasses. I love the glasses. I love the koozies. They're great. Yeah, what do I got? Salt Lake City coming up.

What else? Brea. Brea Improv. Just added an LA show, but that's a small room, so it's going to go fast. Is the Beacon sold out? I think it is, but they might just release some new tickets. Some people are asking one by one, so there might be a few tickets left. What else? Nashville, Zany's, Albany Funny Bone, Toronto...

providence chicago tampa cleveland all over that shit houston west palm we got a makeup date in july really glad i missed uh west palm in march and moved it to july to july that's exciting right when you want to go to florida uh all over the place so yeah san jose improv as well so all over the all over the states baby samuel.com slash shows pumped loving it so uh

Yeah, you got a new hour to put down on wax. Oh, yeah. We're ironing out the kinks. So go see it now when it's hot. It's like bubbling, bubbling over, and then you got to put it down like a dog with rabies. So, yeah. Sally, you good? Sally's got some gigs finally. He's back. I'm back, baby.

Beer Jew, you still working at Say Less? Am I allowed to say that? Yes, you are. I'm still working at Say Less. I've finally got my own recipe book coming out soon. Whoa. Called Bodega Bartending. Whoa. That fits with us pretty good. Yeah, we'll teach you how to make real nice drinks with anything you can find at your local liquor store and corner store so you don't have to get too fancy and you can follow along with us here. Hell yeah. Yeah.

And our whiskey should be coming out within the next couple months, Christian. Maybe sooner if we're lucky. If we're lucky. Christopher. Yeah, Christopher. What did I say? Christian. All right. Well, he's a religious man. Not sure. We'll see you guys. Thank you. We love you. Thank you, guys. Keep drinking. Thank you. Sunday's at the next Bender's. A bitch is close. Arch, Burden, and Norman's talking to her. What the hell is feeling dangerous?

I'm out to lunch here in New, like I remember, and I'm with my