Ep 69: Bert Kreischer w/ Tito's and Kool-Aid
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Hi, my name's Bert Kreischer. With everything going on in the world of comedy, what with violence and jokes, I just want to make sure everyone knows that at my show at The Greek in Los Angeles on May 5th, there will be no jokes made about anyone's family other than my own. Wait a minute, I got a great joke about your wife being a whore. Well, let me hear it. Hold on, she's not done. Mark Norman will also be performing with me May 5th at The Greek.

You got that right. It's a family affair. I got a great joke about your wife being a whore. Oh, is it two more? Wait a minute. I got a great joke about your wife being a whore. Uh, she blew me yesterday. Perfect. I got a great joke about your wife being a whore. Let's hear the joke, Mark. All right, Leanne's a huge skank. We'll see you at the Greek. The Greek!

-Is that really how tall Patrick Ewing was? -Oh, yeah. -That's not that tall. -Seven feet? -That's not seven feet. Hang on. Is that for real? -Yeah. -It doesn't seem that impressive. That's not as big as he was. -Yeah, is that right? -No, that's not right. -Maybe it must be. I mean-- -Look at his arms like this. Why are they bigger than Patrick Ewing's? -Well, maybe it's not. Yeah, I don't know.

False advertising. That is weird. I never thought of that. I don't know. Because you ever meet a basketball player, they're like... Look at how much bigger my hand is than Patrick Ewing's. Yeah, that can't be right, then. You're right. Now do dicks. That's great. No, he was fucking huge. That can't be right, then. I went to a...

Horn... No. Pelicans game with Hannibal once, and he got me first row, front row on the field, or what are you, on the court? The field? Jesus Christ. Court side, and it was just like avatars. You're like, they look so huge. Dude, James Harden is legit a big dude. Yeah. He's not tall, but he's like... He's large, his arms are big, and he is quick as fuck. He is a specimen. That's the only person I've ever seen...

I saw Michael Jordan play once. Really? Well, here's the interesting story about that. Man's cut to me. Man's cut to me. So I told Suguro one time, we were doing Two Bears, and I said...

He said, what's a show, what's one of the most memorable shows you've ever had? And I said, I saw Nirvana play in Tallahassee. Jesus. You saw Nirvana play? And I said, yes, Smashing Pumpkins opened for him. And he goes, it doesn't seem like that would have been real. And when it doesn't feel real. But I have the memory. No, they were after him. And so he said, you should check that out. I said, what's the point of checking it out?

Because I have the memory, right? I remember it. Interesting. That's the only thing you really want is the memory, right? It's a fond memory I have. So if I check it out, I find out it's not a false memory. I lose it entirely. But right now I have it. I know. That's no good. Well, no. Hear me out. Hear me out. He says, by the way, we should have put this on a podcast. We should be saving this. Save it. Save it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Save it. I'll save it. I'll save it. I'll save it.

All that Patrick Ewing stuff was fun, too. I don't know if you got any of that. The measuring yourself against him. Yeah. We're saving it. Easy. All right. Wow. It's not the funnest language to speak these days. No, no, no. Ready? Yeah. Okay, we're rolling, so. All right. All right. Let's rock.

Shall we? They might be drunk. They're definitely getting drunk. Yeah. All right. Hey, folks, here we are. We might be drunk. This is it. The pod. We're here. We're queer. We're shirtless. Kind of looks good. Those are good looking chests. Yeah. Do you know? Look at how sad mine is like this.

Yeah, you got a little flop over well. It's like with the pizza when it flops. Yeah, that's your stomach Are you going shirtless? Are you gonna hang in there? I'm look disgusting about shirtless like this. No no you look alright No guys, I will look disgusting it will not is you know what it is. It's uh it's when it it Doesn't look funny anymore. You're like oh, it's concerning. Yeah. Yeah, so like I in order to be shirtless right now I'm really fat. I'm not the fattest I've ever been I'm losing weight, but I'm really fat and

And when I need to be standing shirtless, I look okay. The second I sit and you see my gut hang over my belt, you're like, ooh. Well, they did a study and the man bod was the hottest body to females. That's true.

The man bod? I would imagine that would be. The man bod, yeah. Oh, no, you mean dad bod. Sorry, dad bod. I was like, yeah, man's body. Yeah, that's probably number one. Statistically, they're very much lesbians. Dad bod, sorry. Is that true? The dog bod. Dad bod's number one. That can't be true. Give it a go, Peters. I'm telling you, they did a whole study. Who are these realistic women? Yeah, they're out there. That doesn't sound real. They want to feel small. Women, I think women are woo-hoo.

Here's the problem. When you're sexist, you have to be careful. And I think I might be sexist. I don't know. I don't know. But I'm saying I don't know. But my wife says I'm sexist all the time. One time she said, you want to hear this? This is a fucking real story. Usually people are like, my wife says I'm not sexist. You're going the opposite. My wife and daughter said that they don't like the way I represent women in material. Oh, really? Who fucking listens to them? They're women. But, uh...

So one time we were getting on a... We were on a plane, right? Yeah. We had the exit rows. I had the single exit row and Leanne had the two-person exit row. Oh, yeah. Right? And so she was by herself in the two-person and she was... And the single was available. And a dude came up next to me, like a tall dude, and he sat in front of Leanne. And I said...

I say, hey, man, my wife's sitting by herself over here. Would you like to take my, he was like six, seven. Would you like to take my extra row seat? And I'll sit over with my wife. He was like, hey, thanks, man. And my wife said, it's interesting. You only saw that one man. You only saw that man. You know, there were tall women that walked by you.

And I said, okay. And she goes, but they weren't attractive. So they have no value to you. But they weren't 6'7". They weren't 6'7". And by the way, what am I supposed to go, hey, big bitch? Are your knees on the back of this guy's car? And I was like, what? So she lit me up for that. I've been lit up for a lot of... But he was sitting next to her. He was sitting in front of her. In front of her. And his legs were like this. And so I said, I'll sit with my wife. You sit back here. And so my wife's... But they've said I've said... But you also, if you're trading seats, it has to be an appealing trade.

He's tall. It's an appealing trade. Yeah. Good point. That's not, that's not, not feminist. Yeah. Well, I've been lit up for other stuff too. Um, the, what was the one? Oh, well, this is what I was going to say.

It's like, you know how women can have sex and not have an orgasm and go, but I still enjoy it. Sure. Well, a guy can never say that. I hear that all the time. A guy can never be like, no. Yeah. Wait, am I the only one that does that too? No, no. As I said that, I went, wait, did I just help myself? You know how women are like, no, I don't have to have orgasms. It was great. You know how they say that all the time? Yeah, they're very nice. This happens to every guy. I don't like girth. I get all that.

I bring the vibrator in now because I want to, you know, it's like a good set. You want to do well. So I bring the vibrator in just to make sure we're all good. Like if I don't satisfy her, I get the vibe in there. I'm licking a nip while vibing. It's like a good set. Yeah, you want to kill. Yeah. Oh, wow. Look at these fruity delights. This looks fucking awesome. Nice job, Beer Jew. Bert, I just saw you guys on Two Bears, One Cave, when Tom Skirra found out you drink like a gallon of Kool-Aid a day. Yeah.

So today we got a gallon of Kool-Aid. Genius! I shushed it up a little bit with some mint and St. Germain and a little soda. I love it. It's really good. Oh my god. That's delightful. This is a problem. This is a legit problem. This tastes like childhood, but it's adult. This is like driving in the desert because you don't see any roads and you're like, I can't get hurt. Yeah.

This is going to sneak up on you. I want it to. Oh, that's good. I want it to be like Jack the Ripper. I'll be walking down a cobblestone street because my father has a consumption. You might not be a feminist if Jack the Ripper is your example. I wrote one pro-woman joke in my act, but it's about stinky pussies. So I don't think it translates. I just don't think like... I'm not...

Well, you know when people – okay, here's a question.

Can you get better? Of course. No, but can you... If you think something... If someone's a racist, can you ever fix a racist? Because they're always going to think the thing. I think the same thing. If you're a pedophile, you can not act on it, but you still want to fuck kids. It's in you. Hopefully it's not in you. No, no. I'm in the kid. You need a real act...

like, what's it called? Cognitive behavioral therapy. Yeah. You need it to happen to you for you to change and you have to want to change. Yeah. It's like being an alcoholic. So like, I love my daughters. I love, and having daughters changed the way, I remember the first thing, my first step out of sexism, because I think when I, no joke, no joke, I'm joking about obviously the sexism stuff, but no joke, when I met Leanne, I was definitely sexist. I was really, Oh, really? I was actually sexist. Like, I had a problem with women because I had been hurt by them so much. Mmm.

I was like every broken dude that's about to leave a comment right now. Yeah. I was like those guys. It goes both ways. The thing about the racist though, like every racist movie like American History X, they befriend a black guy in prison and they're like, oh, I cannot be racist now. Right. But I don't think that works with pedophiles. I don't think you just meet like one ugly kid and you're like, I'm good. You know? Yeah, yeah. That's true. You get one kid that really talks some sense into you. And he's a little fatter. Hey, man. Hey, man.

Like just so you know this is gonna break me. Yeah my life and then you're like this for me Yeah, you don't meet the kid in prison. They separate you right? Right you ever think thank God like I do gratitudes every morning all the time. Thank God I'm not attracted to children. It's because it's not a choice if it was a choice you would just go I don't want to be that this is probably what they drink though If you're looking to fuck a kid, this is the con

Michael Jackson had two more of these. I don't know who would have gotten home alone - We'll call this Michaels hard lemonade That's why I like being around you guys because you guys are the funniest fucking guys in New York you are the two funniest comics working without a fucking doubt, but it's my wife will never get it so cuz she goes

She's like, what are you doing tonight? And I said, I'm going up. Mark and Sam are going to have drinks. She's like, I thought you were going to slow down. And I was like, yeah, but how can I slow down when I have the opportunity to laugh my fucking dick off? Well, we don't have to. Next time, if you want to come back, we don't have to drink. Yeah, we do. You guys are the two funnest drinking guys around. There's not a lot of us left we were talking about. It's a dying art. A lot of sober comics. Oh, yeah.

Most of them.

Yeah, I had a guy hit me up I grew up with and he and he gave me this long call about how he was shitty and the truth Was I always thought he was a pretty fun drunk. So I was kind of like no you were great That's a tough thing to say to someone though who's approaching you with a problem where you're like you were fantastic Yeah, there was never a problem like someone you maybe you're shitty to someone else Yeah, but then he started saying like I talked all this shit about you and I was like well that wasn't too bad Now you're just telling me you didn't like me. I would have left that. Yeah, right. Have you do you have a lot of? Oh, I've had I've had

I have had so many people do that, whatever step that is. Is that like the 10th step? Nine. Ninth step? Nine. It's quick coming out of your mouth. It's nine. It's nine. It's nine. It's a lot more to get there. I remember the first time I got one. I remember the first time I didn't realize what was happening. And Leanne was with me. And this dude pulled me aside. He approached me somewhere. I was somewhere public. And he came up to me and he was like, hey, man. I was like, what's up?

He's like I need to apologize to you and I was like for what and he was like I I did this I did this I did this We're fine. We're bright. We just hang on and leanne said bert Stop, I go what she goes he's apologizing to you and I went yeah, I know but i'm cool I don't have a problem and she goes no bert. I don't think he's doing this for you I think he's doing this for himself and I went what and then he was like i'm recently sober i'm, just trying to make amends and and

And it was awesome. And I'll tell you why. And I just realized this. I got to actually decide if I wanted to forgive him. Normally when people apologize for shit, it comes so quick to you. You're like, yeah, whatever, whatever. And I sat with him and I went, okay. I was like, in my head, I was like, I had a lot of good times drinking with this guy. I had a lot. The last time, he was a mess. He was a little complicated. He was a pain in the ass.

But it doesn't overweigh the other ones. And I went, buddy, I forgive you. I'm glad you're doing well. Keep on this journey. You seem very clear-headed and fucking awesome. And then I've had ones that I haven't accepted.

I've had a couple that I have. I do not accept your apology. I appreciate it. Were they consistently bad drunks? It was Mel Gibson. The worst human beings I've ever come in contact with. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just bad personality traits. Yeah. And the alcohol was part of it, but they don't lose the personality trait. Kicks it up a notch. And so I've actually said, I don't accept your apology. I don't want you in my life. Whoa.

Damn. Yeah, I've had a lot of people get sober. I've had people get sober. Dude, I've had people get sober and lie about it. I've seen that. That's the good one. When they're like, everyone's like, no, no, no, no, that person's sober. And I'm like,

I got in trouble one time because I called him out. Wait, is Swartzen, did he go sober? I think he's taking a break. Oh, all right. That's good. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I like a break because sober is such a commitment. It's a life-changing event. I like a break. I wouldn't mind a break that like... I could use a break right now if I'm just touring so hard. I don't really have an opportunity. But I took a break on the road last week for a chunk of days, like three days. Yeah. Which is...

It's amazing how fucking rejuvenated you are. I know. Your brain is not buggy. How do you do the road as hard as you do? In the mornings, are you not hurting? Mm-mm. That's what I was going to say. Don't take this the wrong way. Please. But I think if you were thin, you'd be in worse shape. I think the belly there can soak up booze. It can absorb. Interesting. Because if you were thin, you'd be dead. Yeah.

Possibly. I think I got something here. I'll tell you. I was talking to someone about it the other day. I have a very punitive sense of sensibility. What does that mean? When I wake up, if I'm hungover...

I get angry with myself and I go, you earned this, asshole. Now why don't we get out of bed and get something done today? Why don't we fucking go do something great? And for lately, like when on the road is disc golf, when I'm at home, I can get on my treadmill and I go, five miles, man, you earned it. Let's go. Get on the treadmill. And once I get on the treadmill, once my blood starts flowing, it all kind of goes away. It's the best thing for you. And I also started a happiness journal to try to figure out and highlight the things that make me happy. Woo!

I've been on a little bit of a growth kick after I got COVID. When I got COVID, I got hungover. I drank fucking hard as shit the night I got COVID. Then I woke up the next morning and I was like, what the fuck, dude? I'm like, I think I'm done. I had COVID. I thought it was a hangover. Yeah. And I was like, I fucking, this is a bad hangover. Like I was shaky and my back hurt. And all of a sudden- I can't swallow anymore. Yeah. The taste. I was like, I got to quit fucking drinking. Yeah.

And then... And so I quit drinking for like 10... You know, obviously 10 days, whatever fucking COVID is. And in that 10 days, I was like, I need to assess...

what I need to highlight things that make me happy and focus on them. And I was dealing with so much bad shit. Like, so like things where it could fuck me up, right. Obsessed about it and regurgitated. Sure. And I was like, I got to get rid of those things and highlight, Oh, that's not real. That's not, that's not real. I need to not focus on that. And so I did it. And in the process I realized when I'm sober, I'm pretty fucking lazy. I'm the same way. I wake up and I go, I feel good. I'm gonna have a breakfast burrito.

When I woke up home over, I go, I'm not eating today. I woke up home over, obviously we partied all night, didn't have one piece of pizza last night. Woke up, didn't eat until 1.30. There you go. And I told you, I said, I looked at it and I went, you don't deserve that. That's punitive. You don't deserve that. Pizza the night of drinking, it's necessary. If I don't eat before I go to bed, I'm dead. Dead. You got to soak it up.

Yeah. I have a weird fucking brain, though. Like, I don't... I wouldn't want anyone else to have my brain. My daughters have my brain, and I feel bad for them. Because they have... I was just telling you about the fucking... The smashing pumpkins. Yeah. This is how my brain thinks. Uh-oh. I've said this, and I'm sure that some fucking psychologist will be like, oh, he's a narcissist. Or whatever the fuck. I'm sure there's a term for me. So, I was talking to Skirt. We were doing Two Bears, One Cave. I don't know if you heard this, but we were talking about...

And Nirvana, greatest shows we ever saw. I saw Nirvana open for Smashing Moments open for Nirvana at the Civic Center in Tallahassee in 1995, 94, 93. And he was like, really? And Skrra is like a literal person, and he's like, it doesn't seem like they would have opened for them. Should we Google this or you don't want to know? By the way, you can actually, but here's what happened. So I go, well, hold on.

I have that memory. Yeah. And sometimes with memories, you don't remember it right. You kind of punch up the memory as you live. You're like, oh. Yes.

And so... Why do we do that? So we think we had a more interesting life? Yeah, I think it helps you. But in the end, does it matter? Say you have a boring life, but you remember a great life. But this is good in a positive experience, but what if some kid goes, hey, you molested me? And you're like, no, I didn't. He's like, that's what I remember. Now you're fucked. Well, that does happen with you were a bully in high school, and you're like, no, I wasn't. And you're like, yeah, you were. And then you're like, I know...

"Come on, fatback, what are you talking about?" And so I said to Tom,

I said, no, I remember Nirvana played the Civic Center. I was there. Smashing pumpkins open for them. And I said, and I go, I can very easily check this out. I'll call my buddy John Dacre. I'll ask him if Nirvana ever played the Civic Center, if we saw them. And he was like, I said, or do I want to run the risk of losing that memory? I have the memory. I have it. It's real in my head. Whether or not it really happened, I don't know. It doesn't matter. Do I run the risk? And then I said, oh.

Saw Jordan play basketball, but I don't know if that's real well Because it's a memory and you're like memories are always fading and oh yeah, I'm like wait And I go I don't want to find out the truth and he was like well. We weren't doing to embarrass He's like we gotta find the truth call John Dacre I go him in and by the way this is like rolling the dice cuz I'm fucking gonna be really bummed if I never saw Nirvana I Believe you saw Nirvana. I just don't know if you saw the pumpkins. Yeah, it's pumpkins. So I called John Dacre. Oh

I said, hey, man, did we see Nirvana? Have we ever seen Nirvana in concert? And he said, Miu and Dacre saw Nirvana at the Civic Center. And I said, oh, my God. And he goes, yeah, Smashing Pumpkins opened up for him. And I went, oh. And now, by the way, I didn't. Here's the deal.

I didn't feel better. And he's like, we both fuck Courtney Love that night. Like, I don't know if that happened, but that's how I remember it. I sold a Kurt Cobain a shotgun. I didn't feel better knowing that it was real. It didn't change. Interesting. However, I ran the risk of losing a great memory. So I will never Google. I like if I saw Michael Jordan play basketball in 1997 in Orlando. I will never Google that.

Well, he was still playing then. I will never. And don't you pull it up on this fucking thing. And don't you, if you're listening, do not Google. Yeah.

But it's weird when people do this to benefit them. They're like, oh, I did a show last night and I killed. And you're there. You're thinking like, I was there. You bombed. But they have to do that. Well, that's like we all did that early in comedy. Oh, yeah. I'm like, that was all right. And then you listen to the tape and you're like, I can't. I mean, I can't listen to this. It's the strip club. She's into me. I can tell she's into me. And all your friends are like, oh, God. You just pulled out $1,400. Would you rather be...

accurate or delusional? I mean, how much fun do you think it would be? I don't know if I'm going to say the guy's name, but you know who we're talking about at stand-up clubs who are like, I fucking rock that room. That's what I'm saying. Wouldn't it be nice to be that fucking guy and walk off? It hurts your comedy. If you're that delusional, you're not connecting, right? That's true. Okay, so do you want to be us? I fucking, I hate my act.

I hate everything I do. Is that fun? It's good to hate your act, I think, a little bit. A healthy amount of hate. I agree. If you hate it a little bit, it keeps you going. I mean, you write a new hour every year and a half, right? Do you know how hard it is sometimes to say the words that I'm thinking that I put? Like, I have this bit right now that's...

murdering so good and I saw it last night I didn't know but the smashing pumpkins were there and that was pretty cool yeah they killed but I and then and then I need a second part to it because it's a two-part bit it's one part and I got the beats down early it's easy to get a story going in the beginning sure get a story getting going is great but to end the story is so fucking hard and I need to end it I need to end it right now I'm saying and then I shit my pants

You know how fucking angry that makes me? Those words come out of my mouth. And I shit in my shoe. Right. You're going to get it. It takes so long because you had that white knight story. It was your white whale. You text me over like a five-year span. You're like, what about this? What about this? But some of your stories, you have the ending and you kind of just fell out the middle though, right? So I got great ending. I have a great ending. I have a great... Yeah, I got great ending. Sometimes if I recognize a story, I go...

The ending is what you notice first and you go, oh, I just got to write the front part. And sometimes you'll get loose on the front part. It won't be as good. But you just got to get once you have the ending, you're set. You're set because people with a story, they want to know it's over.

Yes. But I've gotten too nifty with that one. It's like sex. They want to see. They want to be like, you came. Right. That's why no one comes inside anyone. Because you don't trust them. Like in porno, in pornos, I mean. Right, right. You never see the guy go, ugh. And if they do, wait, what did you say? No, I didn't know where it was going at first. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, and if you do, it's a cream pie. They're like, and let's see it come out. Right. You need the receipt. You need the receipt. And that's, I remember one time I was in Calgary.

I had this great, I had these two, let me say, I had these two good jokes. My daughter Isla is a weird kid. She puts her deodorant in the refrigerator. What? Oh, you never heard this joke? That's a great idea. Well, no, no, no. Oh. So I said to Leanne, she puts on, I'll tell you the joke, but it's, I've already done it.

She puts her name in the refrigerator, her deodorant in the refrigerator and puts her name on the cap and the base of the deodorant. And so as not to confuse it with all the other deodorants in the refrigerator. So I said to Leanne, I go, what the fuck's up with Isla? And she goes, well, you know Isla. And I said, no, apparently I don't. So one morning I'm making coffee. Isla comes in and she looks, she's on the slide. She looks at me and sees I'm not looking. She opens her refrigerator. She takes out her deodorant. She wipes her finger across it.

rubs it above her lip and puts it in the thing shuts the door and I go what the fuck was that she goes mind your own business whoa so now so now here's the so that was that was kind of that story right I had another story about Isla where I talked about her one time I ate an edible and I just mashed it up a little bit I changed a little bit of it but I ate an edible and I went to bed and Isla woke me up I wasn't sleeping I was way too high she came up next to me in the middle of the night she goes dad

Do you believe in time travel? It's like fucking two in the morning. I'm holding on to the fucking bed trying to fucking go to sleep.

And she goes, do you believe in time travel? By the way, I really believe in time travel. I believe more in time travel than I do in death, right? So I go, yes, why? And she goes, that's all I need to know. Good night. And she leaves. Well, that's trippy. But there were okay bits, right? Well, I get drunk one night in Calgary and I fuck them up. And I mash them up and I turn it into one bit where I then tell them together...

My daughter says, do you believe in travel? Yeah. She goes, that's all I need to know. She leaves. Now I'm on the edge going, what? Like there's got to be a 30 year old version of herself in her bedroom going, what did he say? Yeah. She goes, he said it's true. And she goes, I told you to listen. Your dad's going to die, but we're going to save him. What I need to do is take your deodorant, put it in the refrigerator. Because the joke was she, when she did this,

She said I can't trust that everyone's gonna put on deodorant. So I'm just doing it for them So she would put deodorant under her nose so that no one smelled like shit for the day She got to pick what she smelled right such a weird fucking brain But when I matched him up at the end, I tell it in Calgary I get the end time travel smells like shit We need you to take the door and put in the fridge and they applauded and I got off stage There was I wish I knew who this fucking kid that I worked with was she was such a good comic for four years He was so good

And he goes, I go, dude, they applauded at that joke. And he went, yeah, I did too. And I went, why? And he goes, because it was over. Oh. Are you being serious? And he goes, well, yeah, when someone finishes something, you're like, oh, that was really good. And you're like,

Holy shit. That fucked me up for like, hey, big boy, you will notice every one of my bits is ta-da. Yeah, yeah. Every bit had like a fucking... Let me just suck this dry real quick. Let's do it.

Isn't that crazy when you fuck up a bit and it helps it on accident? Dude. That's why you got to do the road a lot because you never know. Yeah, because you're just tired and your brain shuts off and you say something by accident and you're like, oh shit, the joke's better because I'm dumber. Just flipping wording around one time. Like I have this joke about Isla right now where she gets up, turns around, says $700, $800, $600. $600.

And proceeds to have a stroke. And I just fucked up the wording. Yeah. And it got such better because I crammed everything in. And then sometimes you know that your wording isn't great. And you're like, wait, what?

I know that this isn't perfect, but it's good enough and I don't want to fuck with it yet. Yes, yes. You know? Totally. Yeah, sometimes you just have to say it. It's like we're talking about hating our ex, but sometimes when you say it until you're sick of it, you just kind of are going through the motions and you almost need that. It's almost like you can't have great sex every night. Sometimes it's going through the motion sex, you know? Yes, yes. And going through the motion sex, it's like, okay, well, this keeps you...

able to like know how to have sex that's what it is I don't know if this analogy makes any sense no we were talking about you don't always have wet pussy sex yeah you have the hey we'll get the wet pussy sex and it's the same you don't always have a huge boner sex sometimes it's a halfie and you mush it in oh I kind of like that though that is fun Leanne knows that I like I like starting off kind of soft and getting harder yeah throughout it she knows that she'll say this is creepy about my wife and she'll go I know you like this ah

But that comfort is important, man. Just having that. And sometimes you're doing so many gigs that you just flub a line and it helps you and you're like, fuck, I. You know, it's another big one is falling out of love with a bit. You know, you're like, I love this bit. Then like two years later, it's just a regular old bit. And then you can see it clearer. It's like a woman. When you're in love with her, you don't notice her flaws and whatever. And then when you fall out of love, you're like, ah, she's this, she's that. Same with a bit. Yeah.

Yeah. You can kind of see it in reality. You ever do that? You ever just have a joke in a Word document or something and then you shelve it for two years? Yes. And you go back and you're like, oh, young me didn't understand how to handle this. Exactly. It's like a pussy. Yeah. I still don't know how to handle a pussy. A joke I wrote when I first started doing stand-up, like when I was working the door was, I'm not homophobic, I'm a homochondriac.

But I couldn't. That's where I left it. And then in one of my specials,

I figured it out after I was like, I'm not homophobic. I'm a homochondriac. I'm not afraid of you being gay. I'm just afraid one night we'll get drunk and you'll trick me into it and I'll like it. That's great. And so I was like, oh, that works. There we go. But you're right. Louis did that. Louis was a big guy of going back to his earlier stuff and fucking refiguring it out. That's basically comedy time travel. The problem is if you are – that's great for guys who find their voice very early and

If I went back to my old bits, it would just be me reworking Dane Cook's hour. Because all my early bits were a mashup of Dane Cook and Dave Attell. Right. And any comic that says they weren't mashups of those two, they were the most. Dane Cook, I don't think he gets the proper credit that he deserves. No, he's a beast. He was. He defined. He showed us a way through the jungle where no tigers were.

And no one had that. Thank you. No one had that. Everyone, Attell got attacked by tigers all the time. He always got out of the jungle. Jim Norton actually made a living letting tigers jump at him and then fucking throwing them off. Wait, wait, wait. What are we talking about? Tigers? What are we doing? So bombing is tigers. Okay, okay. Got it. Gane showed us a way through the jungle where you didn't bomb. Yeah. Like,

It's the only person I've ever seen in stand-up comedy that went on with the confidence of an ice skater knowing they're going to stick all their fucking moves. Wow. Dane Cook was, was, still is, still is so fucking adept at...

at so charismatic that no one gives him enough credit for how fucking influential he was sure i'll i won't name names but it's tough when you could because i agree with you but i think it is tough when your career goes like this as opposed to this because i do think he blew up so big that it's almost like it's unsustainable there's nowhere to go but down yeah he did he didn't i don't think he never ever did theaters i think he just went straight to arenas yeah that's crazy

He went from the Orlando Improv to the fucking arena in Orlando. Damn. Same. Either way, it sucks to be in Orlando. Cut to, cut to, cut to. I do the Tallahassee Civic Center. Right? Yeah.

And now I know for a fact, and I got to see there, I sat, I sold the same amount of tickets as fucking Nirvana. And I looked at the seat I sat in with John Dacre and Brent Bracken in that fucking Civic Center, and I knew it was a real thought. I knew it was a real memory. But I was like, I sat right there and watched Nirvana stand on this stage in this same setup. It was fucking, it was surreal. Did you come out to a Nirvana song? No.

No. That's a nice touch. That's great. I should have. Time travel. Go do it again. I do believe more in time travel than I do death. Ah, you're crazy. Yeah, you said that before. I don't understand how. I don't believe in death. I don't believe it. Really? I don't believe in it. I don't believe in it. This is a worse take than whoopee. Nope. I don't believe in it. I'm not going to believe in it. I refuse to believe in it. All right. Because when it happens, I'm not going to feel it, I guess, right? So wouldn't it be better just to not believe in it?

Right? And then when it happens, you're like, well, I guess I was wrong. As opposed to thinking about it every morning when you wake up. That's going to be on your tombstone. I was wrong. Yeah, yeah. Oopsies. George Carlin had the best tombstone. It just says, well, he was here a minute ago. Best tombstone ever. I don't know if funerals aren't a cool thing anymore. No one does funerals. What are you talking about? No one does funerals.

That's true because you mean like zoom. No, no, no, no, no one's doing funerals I've had a few friends die and no one does funeral for him. Really? They're like, yeah, like both there were suicides So maybe they don't do funerals for suicides comics should do funerals the way they did it on the wire We just throw someone on a pool table and you get drunk awake the way. Yeah, I love that the wire funerals are awesome Yeah, it's Irish. I wanted to have a funeral for my 50th birthday party. Like I wanted to sit in the casket, right and

But the cat's going to be tilted up so I can see everyone. And then I want to invite... It's an open invite, right? I want to see who shows up. I want to experience my funeral. And I want people to come and I want people to talk. I'm going to have Segura talk. I'm going to have Rogan say some words. I'm going to have my friends say some words about me. It makes sense. I want to hear what they're going to say. I want to be there. I want to see how fun it is. Because Patrice had the best funeral in the world, but he didn't get to see it. That's true. So why not... Yeah, why not...

That's Tom Sawyer. That's the Mark Twain book. He gets to see his own funeral. Is this true? Rich Voss at Patrice's funeral said he'll be selling CDs outside. That's the funniest thing I've ever heard. The funniest line I've ever heard is Dave Attell on Opium Anthony. Yes!

And he goes, come on, people. We need a double extra large coffin and a big purple suit. Because it was all uncomfortable and sad. And he brought that line in and broke the tension. It was amazing. It was my first night back at the cellar after COVID. It was like a couple weeks ago. And I just walk in. He's on stage. I'm like, let me wait for a big laugh so he doesn't see me. So I dig in. And

as I think I made it through he goes feeling better Sam and then just goes right back into material that was for nobody that was just for him to dig me when I was a young comic I was walking through the back of the cellar and I had a Hawaiian shirt on and he goes hey Hawaiian shirts only two people wear Hawaiian shirts homosexuals and party animals which one are you and I am such a jackass I went I'm a party animal aww

That's a shame. The funniest thing I ever saw him do, and there's a million things, but there was two Hispanic women in the front row who weren't laughing at anything, and he sees them immediately and just goes, what happened, ladies? Did Selena die again? We all fucking lost it. He is the greatest. I could just do. He's the greatest. Yeah, he is the best. The goat. Isn't it crazy that he hates it? Call me the greatest. I will fucking give you a hug.

You said Bert is the greatest storyteller around. I'd be like, thank you. Sign the fight as I'm a noticed. I can see how it's annoying to walk. Because he's always doing new shit. So I'm sure it annoys him. I remember watching Craig Ferguson once. And he was like, this is the greatest comedian ever. And you could just see Dave was furious. Now he's got to live up to that. Right. I wish he had a little more...

louie in them or whatever he would just do a special every year or or every other year like put some of this shit down on tv i'll tell you what i do i'll tell you what i would do if i was netflix i would do give him a half hour i'd sign david tell i'd sign david tell okay here's my pitch if robbie prawe is listening here's my pitch he's not if he is uh

$10 million deal for 10 years. Okay. Just give him 10 right up front. 10 million now, right? 10 years, and Dave Attell has to release a special every quarter. Whatever he's working on, we get to see it every quarter. Oh, he would hate this. Why? He loves it. Well, how long do you think? Attell can turn over. Okay, how about every six months? By the way, I don't need big production. I just like a camera.

in the cellar to shoot that, put it on Netflix every six months and just turn material, turn material. This podcast turns into talking about a tell so much. Here's my pitch. Isn't that crazy? Here's my pitch for Dave. Insomniac, but in the daytime. It's sober Dave. Just do insomniac like he used to do, but he's just all the same stuff, but it's daytime. Yeah. You know? That's funny. He's doing a lemonade stand. He's buying Girl Scout cookies. The zoo. The zoo. You know? I don't know. I think he wakes up at five.

How about this? How about this? You might not like this pitch. What if David Tell starts a podcast and talks about us? Oh, God. He would hate that, too. All right. Let's change subjects. All right. All right. Yeah. We blow them a lot. Did you watch the Oscars? No. What happened? What happened?

That shit slapped. It was great. Do you think he was drunk? Will Smith? I think they're all drunk there. I think he's going through a lot. He's in Scientology. His wife's fucking other dudes. But don't you think the booze pushes you over the... Maybe, maybe. But I think... I don't think you do that sober. I think you have to have at least a couple. They don't feed you there. I don't even know if he drinks. Rage is different. Rage is different. Have you ever been...

So I got in control of my, here's what I was fascinated by. And I apologize to monopolize this, but like I'm hyper aware of being videotaped.

I'm hyper aware of it because I have fucked up a couple of times where I was videotaped and, and I was afraid it was going to get leaked where I behaved poorly. Sure. And so I'm hyper aware. So when we went to Red Rocks, remember we went to Red Rocks and that lady talked shit to me and everyone lost their fucking minds. We were trying to get to a, to our van after the Jimmy Buffett show and everyone lost their mind. I'm hyper aware that there are people with cameras. So I stay grounded in those moments. I'm really good at putting off rage. I,

I cut this lady off one time. I didn't even know I did it. I actually thought she cut me off. But the point was, I knew that I wasn't going to. She was so angry. And she pulled up. And she had her phone out. And she was recording me.

And she was like, you fucking cut me off, motherfucker. And I was so aware that I was being recorded. And I was like, and I actually believe she cut me off. But I also knew I wasn't going to change her mind. Like at no point was she going to go, oh, wait, you're right. Maybe that was red. I wasn't paying attention. I just went, I'm so sorry. I'm really sorry. I wasn't paying attention. You're right. I'm wrong.

And so I just diffused it because I was like, I don't want to be caught like that. And did she calm down when you did that? No. No, no. Actually, not at all. It got worse. And so she called me the N-word and took off. You took off Rogan? But that's what's amazing to me is that rage, when you're in rage, that's all the Karens. Will went full Karen.

Yes. He couldn't control it. Right. It's rage, man. And rage is like, okay, let's talk about the feelings, the best feelings in the world.

full rage when you're shaking. You feel like a superhero and you think, I will fucking rip this wall down. That, being turned on when you're like, oh my god, I'm so turned on, I could fucking... Your body's vibrating. Thank god he didn't feel that toward Chris. That would have been even worse. How great would he be if he just fucking anally raped him on that stage? Jada would have been like, finally. That's all she wants. But there was rage. He was drunk with rage. And who

Who knows what had happened leading up to that? All the stuff leading up to it. Yeah, they clearly didn't like it. They clearly had tension because... Yes. Because you think about what Rickles used to say to Sinatra, the biggest egomaniac ever. He'd say things like, Hey, Frank, make yourself at home. Hit someone.

And Sinatra would laugh. Yeah. So it's all about past relationship, you know? Well, did you see the 2016 Oscars where Rock trashes Jada? It's pretty funny. It's pretty funny, but it's like, oh, okay, so there is some history here. She was boycotting the Oscars because Will didn't get nominated. And I don't remember the joke, but the joke was... He goes, it's not fair he didn't get nominated. It's also not fair he got $20 million for Wild Wild West. And then he goes... Life's not fair. She goes, he's like, you're not boycotting. You weren't invited. I'm not boycotting Rihanna's panties. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

That's an edgy joke for the Oscars. I know. That's one you probably can't get away with these days. No, it was a different time. Just 2016 to now is vastly different with jokes. Ricky Gervais is the best. Yeah. He put out an alopecia joke. Did you see that? No. Yeah, yeah. What did he say? He just had a clip from him on The Office or whatever, one of his shows, and he did an alopecia joke, and he just posted it.

He is so good. It's also unfortunate she has alopecia, but it's not like, you know. It's not bad. It's not cancer. She's also got great head shape privilege. There's some people that go bald and then have like dents and it looks like their head was beaten with a shovel and you have to live like that. Jeff Ross, for example.

But that's not, yeah, I don't know. Well, it's got to be weird. I mean, like, I'm trying to be empathetic to alopecia. Yeah. But, like, it's got to be weird. So when you have alopecia, she has no hair anywhere on her body? No, no, no, no, no. It hits you in certain areas. Oh, so it's just thinning as she shaves it. It falls out. Okay. So it could come back. She's brought so much awareness to alopecia. I know. It's huge for them. Yeah. But it's not like there's an alopecia group somewhere. We're acting like it's fucking. There's got to be. There's got to be.

Yeah, no, they're definitely. What are you talking about? You think there's groups with alopecia? Sure, yeah. Like marching and shit? I don't know if they're marching, but maybe they're meeting. What are they meeting about? You lost your hair? Me too. I'll see you later. Type in. Someone Google alopecia foundation. Is there a support group? There's got to be. You think? Hold on. There's one for everything. What if this is alopecia awareness month? Oh, that would be perfect. National Alopecia Aretha Foundation based in San Rafael.

Cure and treatment of alopecia. Oh, get out of here. It was found in 1981. That's kind of... Oh, that's pretty old. Yeah. Wow, Miss California had it, huh? Jeez. All right. See, you can still prosper. I have alopecia. I do. I get it in my beard. Oh, really? Yeah, but it comes and goes. I laughed at you. That was... Yeah, yeah, exactly. That was... I thought it was a joke. We're really just getting a little fuzzy on the medical condition. I mean, that should be reserved for big shit.

Yeah. Medical condition. Like, all right, well, everything's a medical... Impotency is a medical condition, is it not? Yeah. Wow, what if that was the joke he slapped him for? He's like, Will can't get his dick up, and he just got up and walked up and slapped him. You're like, oh, I guess that's real. Here's what I think. I think he's been kind of cucked for a while. Everybody's making fun of him. Your wife's fucking all these dudes, and he can't hit her. So when Chris Rock says something, he's like, I'll channel it all to this. Yeah. Because I'm already kind of getting made fun of

That's got to be tough to have all that he has and then publicly you have to deal with that. I'm going to be really honest. I'm not a fan of that. I don't like – this is what's tough for me, and I've talked about this on Two Bears a lot. I'm a fucking Will Smith ride or die. First and foremost, he gave me my very first development deal, and he taught me how to sell TV shows. He had such a big impact on me.

in this business and and and his calling card the fact that he was the one that kind of gave me my first deal was like it meant a lot to me and so through all of this including the slap i was like because i mean you know immediately i go to rock i'm like i'm i'm a comedian i'm on my team's rock and you can't hit someone under any like was it was it a great joke no but you can't hit someone under any circumstances right but i but i

Haven't enjoyed this. I'll say this I'm gonna try the most polite way that if we'll ever heard this with Robbie bra I'm I have not enjoyed this red table fucking show. I think are you being serious? Yeah, it is It is the fucking worst goddamn show. I fucking hate it because it's basically Jada's table where she Kind of has they talk their family stuff out. Mmm

And it's where entanglement comes from. It's where all the stuff that you're hearing that you know about Will Smith is based on these red table conversations. Now, I'm certain that Jada would probably feel differently about it and probably will feel differently about it. I will say publicly as a fan of Will, a ride or die for Will Smith, I have not enjoyed it. I also didn't enjoy...

Viv coming after Will. Do you remember that? Yeah, I remember that. I didn't like that. I didn't like that. Well, she was like a Juilliard actress. I was kind of like, I should be the star. And it's like, I don't think you've seen the show. It's the Fresh Prince, not the aunt. And the fact that she's holding onto a grudge 40 years later and still wants to dress him down. Yes. And I'm like, I want to say, ma'am,

Do you not, I understand that your path in Hollywood must have been very tough being a black actress in the fucking 70s and 80s. However, you have been in this business long enough to understand that he is, he is a rising star and the world fucks them up and they do fucked up things because they don't really have any boundaries and what he did wasn't horrible. Yeah. But,

but you were difficult also. You have to realize your account. I didn't like that. I didn't like that. I don't like the red table and I don't like what's happening with Will. I didn't like they need a fucking YouTube channel. I don't like any of that shit. It's fun when celebrities are like Nicholson and they have a little more mystique. Yes. Yeah. And it's hard. I mean, but it's probably harder and harder to do that because when you see an actor is not on Instagram, you're shocked, right? You're like, oh, wow. Good for you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Timothy Chalamet has no social media and I'm like, good for you. And he's young because he's got a

put on a mask and we got to believe it. Yeah. And I'll tell you right now, this is what bummed me out the most is my first initial, my two thoughts, right? These are my two thoughts when I saw that slap.

Number one is I identify with Chris Rock getting slapped. I identify with that. I am that person. I have been slapped for a joke. I have been slapped in high school a couple times, punched a couple times, and I got beat up one time. Yeah. For jokes before I was a professional comedian. Yeah. That's how that works. I understand the streets have their justice. Sure. Keep my name. I get it. But the second he got slapped...

The look on his face as he tried to read the documentary, I was like, I'm that guy. That's me. That's me. In this whole scenario, that's who I identify with. That's my – I'm that person. We all identify with a comic. Totally. Totally. I remember I got punched in the face once. I was insulting – I was insulting a woman. I was talking to a girl at a bar many years ago. I was in my early 20s on the road and I was –

talking to a girl and her friend kept leaning in and being like, not interested. Like, just kept insulting me. And finally I said, like, get some more Botox, you lizard. Like, just instinct drunk. And her boyfriend just decked me. And I was like, I deserved it. I mean, like, it's what happened. But it also is like, you know. Yeah. I've had that too. It is also like, it shouldn't be violent. Right. In my head I thought I deserved it, but then looking back, you're like, eh, violence is not...

That's not right. The second thing I thought was, this is going to change how everyone sees Will Smith for the rest of his life. Isn't that fucked up? This is part of his life now. And it bummed me out. It bummed me out. I went, you can't...

You're not going to be a little. It ruined. And otherwise, what should, what, what should have been an incredible night for him? Cause it's like, it's like his IO. You won Oscar. Cause it's like, he didn't get it for, uh, what else is he nominated for? Whatever. Yeah. Yeah. But like, they're like, Oh, he's been a star for so long. They want, he's like a dude. They want to give it to. Yeah. And they, and they gave it to him. And then they, they took away a career. No, he's still going to be huge. You don't think so? No, I think so. Interesting. Nope. You're going to go to a movie.

And you're going to see Will Smith. And all you're going to think about is the guy that slapped Chris Rock. Dude.

When you resort to violence, you define who you are to everyone. You show everyone you are below all of us. That is the deal you make. Dude, I tell a joke. I tell a joke in college. I wrote a song to Pink Houses by John Mellencamp. I'm going to talk about this a little bit maybe. I haven't really talked in depth about it. But...

But it was just rhyming. His name is Hartley. He's HIV. His name is Hartley. STD, baby. His name is Hartley. He's gonna... That's my buddy. I can say that joke because that's my buddy. He didn't get upset. But I made another one about another guy in our fraternity and it was innocuous.

But he didn't get it because that's the way his brain works. He's not the guy that gets it. He gets emotional and rage fills him. And one day, right before finals, he beats the fuck out of me. Whoa. We get into a – I don't really remember much of it because I got knocked unconscious. But all I know is that – He beats me up. I then am confused. I walk onto campus.

And a girl finds me sitting on a bench in campus crying. And I don't know who I am. I don't know where I am. I don't know what's going on. Oh, my God. And I'm like repeating things. I'm fully concussed. Whoa. And she knows me. She's a Pi Phi. And she grabs me. She puts me in. She had a minivan. I remember that. She drove me out to the hospital. They asked me.

Where I went to school and I said Jesuit, which is my high school boy, and they're like whoa what happened to you? And she's like I don't know he's not I don't I don't remember what happened Mm-hmm my roommate we drunk no no stone sober is during finals I was supposed to be taking finals my roommate and my girlfriend at the time find out I'm at that someone calls calls they find out at the hospital they grab me they they keep me in the hospital I think overnight I then come in and I will say this unequivocally

That dude lost a lot of friends that day that have never spoken to him since. And it changed the way everyone saw that dude for the rest of his life. Now, he may not feel that now, right? But I'm certain to say that with my career where it is today and when I go and perform in Tampa, he still lives in Tampa, I'm certain...

That it that there are there's awkwardness around him Definitely and so and so once you resort to violence and you show everyone. Oh, I don't use words anymore This is how I handle things

Man, you might get respect to some people. Right. The wrong people. The wrong people. The people you don't want. And especially if you're a fucking artist. How about the whole Academy? How spineless they are that they give him a standing ovation when he wins the award after doing that. Like, how about no security for rock? Like, how about that? We play strip malls on the road. Yeah, we have better security. I guess it's you don't know he's going to go up to hit him.

You're probably like, what's he doing? I thought it was a joke. Like, oh, he's going to fuck with him. That's funny. But you've got to stand up for Chris Rock in some way. More than just say we condemn this guy who we just gave an award to. I'm not saying take the award away, but how about Chris Rock? Well, did you see on YouTube, you can see the commercial break, and they're all comforting Will Smith. It's like, well, comfort the guy who got hit.

He was backstage. I'm sure. And here's the part I bet we don't know, but we'll probably hear. You know they went back to Chris Rock. Don't sue him. Don't sue us. No, no, no, no, no. I'm sure they went back and they're like, how would you like us to handle this? I just know that I've had...

But what's Chris going to say, though? I've had incidents on set before where I've been the victim of them. Simple things. Very simple things. And they... I mean, everyone's like, how do you want to stay under this? And you're like, don't fucking... Yeah, yeah. I never pressed terms. Yeah, and so I guarantee they went to Chris Rock and they're like, how do you want to handle this? And he was like...

He's like, what am I going to fucking... Sue him? He gets escorted out of the Oscars and everyone's going to be like, why did you take away this man's biggest night? Yeah, it's a tough spot. But he's going to sell tickets. Chris Rock. That 10 minutes? There was a part of me that's like, man, I wish Chris Rock...

kind of zinged him when he on his way back down. You know the part of me I wish he just got like one quick one liner. Totally. But the other part of me is like he'll have a carefully honed 10 minutes about this that's going to be awesome. It's going to be so good. And it's good to see slapstick comedy again. All right. What do you call his next tour? Slappy White. Slapper around the world. Oh yeah. Yeah that's not bad. Yeah.

The flip-slap, I would think. I can't wait to see him do stand-up. Yeah, this will be in it for sure. Are you excited about Will Smith's next project? What's that going to be?

I heard he's playing Ike Turner. And Chris is going to play Tina. Going to recreate that Fresh Prince drag thing. You sing the hits, bitch! Yeah, it was... It's weird, you know, I think about it a lot. Like, think about how much used to be settled with a duel. Like, that used to be so... Like, you disrespected someone's family, they'd be like, I'm going to hit you. Right. Or I'm going to shoot you. Yeah, that's true. We've become more civilized.

We have. Violence was so much more acceptable when I was a kid. Yeah, definitely. It was to morons, let me say. So I remember I hit someone. I punched someone the day before ninth grade. And I...

Went home believing my dad was going to put me on his shoulders and march me around the house because he had a badass son. And by the time I got home, that guy's dad had called my dad. They're both lawyers. Called my dad and said, your son punched my son.

I'm just letting you know and my dad was fucking livid really he was like what the fuck is wrong with you That's a good dad though. He's like you think you're a tough guy. He's like no I'm worried cuz I you're about to go to high school You think you're the tough guy you think you're a fucking badass like you're not don't ever fucking punch someone You never fucking hit someone if you have a problem with me speak to them, and I was like okay, okay the next day I go to high school and

A dude I'd grown up with my whole life who was 6'6", got beaten up by a dude who was 5'6".

The guy pulled a chair up and punched him. He pulled up a chair, stood on the chair and punched. I swear to God. I swear to God. It was Peter Dinklage. First day of Jesuit high school. And I realized I'm not a tough guy. Next week in the shower, dude breaks a guy's nose. And I'm like, I'm not tough at all. I'm not fucking tough at all. Yeah, that shit changes you. Next week he stepped on a stool and raped him. So it's terrible. That shit changes you and it's not fun. And oh shit, I had a point. Uh,

Oh, fuck. Oh, nowadays, you go to a bar and you try to do that shit and you don't know who knows MMA and all that shit. It's so popular now, the jujitsu and all that fucking shit. What a great way to find out Chris Rock's been training in jujitsu. Oh, it'd be nice. He just pulls guard, gets on his back. He goes, come on, get on me, get on me. He's in a weird naked choke. You just see Will Smith like, ah, ah. He puts Will Smith in an omoplata. Just like, ah. It was, I'll tell you what, man.

It made things interesting again. The Oscars were boring. Did anyone get excited for the Oscars this year? No. NewsFest, I will be watching next year. It's going to be fun next year when they present with Jake Paul next door. You never know. Just in case something goes down. Say what you want about Jake Paul. He's made life interesting. Yeah, he's a rabble rouser. I understand people don't like the guy. I enjoy the guy. I enjoy him and his brother. I don't get the hate. They put the razzle dazzle back in life.

Yeah, they're just shit starters. Let's get it going. Yeah, I wish he would fight real fighters. He does. I know, but that first guy, Ben Askren, is a real fighter. But he's like, you saw him box, and I was like, this is fucking crazy. You got to start at the bottom. You got to work your way up. He fought, what's his face? The black guy. He's clearly a tough guy. Tyrone Biggs.

No, that's Chappelle. Oh. Yeah. Wow. Wow. I hope we do not fight Tyrone Bigsby. That would not be a fair match. Woodley. Tyrone Bigsby. Although, does Will Smith do that shit to Chappelle, by the way? Interesting. Chappelle's a big dude. Hold on. Is he? He's pretty big. He's bigger. Hold on. Hold on. Working out.

I mean, here's the thing. And then I'm just saying this for real. And I don't mean this. I don't mean this is a slight to Chappelle at all because it's not. But like, Chappelle's one of us. He's not a tough guy. I mean, like, he didn't grow up in the streets. Like, he's not Mike Epps. I don't mean this disrespect. He's just one. Like,

Mike Epps is a comic, and I don't mean this is coming out wrong, but he's also a different type of dude. I know what you mean. Kevin Hart and Dave Chappelle, they're one of us. Meaning they're just comics. They're skinny guys. They're just comics. They were never the tough guy or the cool guy or the badass guy. They were just the underdog who came up, busted his ass, and they're talented, and that's it. I think Kevin Hart probably experienced more toughness in his life

Kevin Hart grew up in a bad area, but he had a great mom, right? His dad was addicted to drugs. Great mom, big brother. So he probably saw some stuff. But when I think of Dave Chappelle and I think of Chris Rock, I think they're kind of the same type of guy, the same kind of guy as I am. I might look like I could beat someone up, but I can't. I'm Chris Rock. When he got slapped, I'm Chris Rock, right? I mean, I just don't know if he does it to Dave Chappelle because...

I don't know if he does, but look, the skinny Dave Chappelle is who he's been his whole life. Yeah, that's who he is inside. That's who he is inside. And I hope that comes out right, right? No, no, I get it. He's got huge arms. He's got fucking massive arms. It's impressive. You see him in a suit now and you're like, oh, you look like John Cena in that suit. You don't look like... I want that for my next special. Look at that. I want that for my next special. I just want fucking jacked arms. No. No fat? They say it makes you less funny. Jacked arms? Yeah. I don't think so. Oh.

You guys got the fucking best joke I've ever heard in my entire life. Kick her in the pussy. That's my favorite joke I've ever heard in my entire life. That is my favorite joke. That and David tells, is it just me or does an owl look like an attorney for a parrot? That's a great joke. Fucking great. Kick her in the pussy. By the way, Dave Chappelle's basically shirtless there. Look how ripped. That's a shoulder. His arms are huge. Huge. His arms are fucking jacked. Hold on. Yeah, you're right. Now that I think about that, does he do it to Dave Chappelle? No, of course not. Dave Chappelle's his height.

Right? Dave Chappelle is 6'1", 6 foot, right? 6, yeah. He's fucking probably 225. And he would have flicked his cigarette right on Will Smith. Oh, he would have. Oh, yeah. Because you know he'd be smoking. And Chappelle would have had yellow glasses on. That could fuck you up. Yeah, it could fuck you up. Interesting. Look at how big Dave Chappelle is. But this is crazy. This is like if you type in Burt Kreischer in shape.

And then, I don't know. The computer just starts smoking. Will anything come up? The computer breaks down. And it blows up. Yeah. They're like, oh, shit. It is crazy that the news was Ukraine every day, and now you just turn on any news network, and it's like, a celebrity was slapped. Whoa. That's crazy.

That's not real. That's not real. Holy shit, I was about to say. Look at my arms, though. Is that Dan Bolzerian? Good lord. That's from the movie that we just did. Dude, when does that come out? I don't know. Well, we're going to wait until this whole Ukrainian thing blows over. Oh, yeah. It's a pretty pro-Russia. It's not even like... It's not even... It's not pro-Russia at all. It's just...

Oh, it's not? It's actually not at all. Oh, all right. Well, then this might be the time. It's produced by Putin. Putin's a great... Produced. Look, no, I guess my arms look big in that one picture. There you go. The tank top. That's where my arms... See if anything in my arms were this big. Jeez, dude. Whoa, that's not real. That's photoshopped. Yeah, of course. You don't photoshop yourself and make your dick big? No. I didn't know we had that option. Who do I send this to?

It's a horrible idea to send a picture of my dick to someone and go, who do I send this to? And they're like, I'll send it to us. It won't get leaked. I've seen the dick. You guys need to drink up because I'm finishing this one. I feel perfect. I feel great. I feel perfect. Tell me we're not close to done, are we? No, no, no. Okay, good, good. We're hanging, dude. Yeah, the movie. That's exciting.

Did you ever think you'd get to, because you were a road dog for a while. For a while? That's where we met. 20 years? I remember you texting me years ago, I'm working with Bert Kreischer. And I went, who? And he said, he's a drunk guy. I said, a tell? He said, no, no, no. No, no, not as funny. But,

You have photos of you guys shirtless together. I was like, oh, wow, this looks like fun. Yeah, I am a road dog. I'm a road dog to this day. I mean, I live on the road. I like it. I mean, look, I love having a family and I love spending time with them. But for the most part, I mean, my obsession, and I'm pretty clear about this, I think any podcast I do, all I talk about is comedy. Yeah, me too. I fucking found the thing I love and I love doing it. Same. I love writing it. I love working with it. I love being around people that that's all they give a fuck about. Like, I don't...

I'm with you. I got a therapy one time and she's like, you need a hobby. And I was like, oh, I write jokes. And she was like, that's your job. And I was like, well, I edit videos. And she goes, that's your job. And I was like, what? What does she expect you to say? I guess regular people have hobbies. I guess regular people like go. Well, they have hobbies to fill the hole of having nothing going on. What is a hobby? Give me an example of a hobby. Fishing.

Model airplane, ship in a bottle. Fishing is a big one. That's a big one, I guess. Or tree. Rogan's a hobby guy. He's a hobby guy. Yeah, that's true. But he's a different hobby guy. He's an obsessive compulsive hobby guy. Right, right. And he's got a ton of time and a ton of money. Yeah. So I took up leather making. What? Leather work. Yeah. I was like, I guess I want to have a hobby. And she was like, you need something to turn your brain off from work.

So I went, I bought a bunch of leather and I made a fanny pack and then halfway through making the fanny pack, I was like, I was like, I bet I could sell these at my show. Oh,

oh now it's back to work back to work in the second i did i feel the same way i'm like oh maybe i'll be this guy maybe i'll start doing this and then i'm like this is cutting into joke writing time even with joe list like learn the mandolin i was like i will never do anything like that that is not that is not for me it didn't take by the way yeah and let's be honest it's a woman but yeah it didn't take off i think he's done with that no i i'm not a hobby guy i'm a i'm a

Unless I do stand-up, and I'll think about stand-up, and I'll think about it all day long. Golf's a big one, too. But I can play golf. Are you good at golf? Yeah, but it's because I'm white. You're white. But I feel like you're a pretty good athlete. Oh, you're good. I'm a surprisingly adept athlete. Like, I can pick up stuff pretty quick, and I can make people very frustrated. Like, I remember we were doing Go Big Show, and I said...

And the guy was doing trick shot archery. And I said, let me try one. Now, there's other things that I've also done a lot of things in life. Like I've tried, I've done just about everything there is to do in life. You know, whether it's fucking skydiving or riding motorcycles, or I've done a lot of things. And I've obviously shot bow and arrows. And so Snoop Dogg was like, uh,

he actually walked off the sex. He was like, he's going to shoot us all with an arrow. I was like, no, Snoop, I can do this. And he was like, you can't do this. And I was like, I can do it. Isn't he from South Central? Rosario. Yeah, but arrows, I think, are different than bullets. Ah, good point. Take a hipster Alec Baldwin. Amish. And so here, can you pull up, see if Bert Kreischer, Bullseye, Go Big Show comes up. That must be fun working with Snoop. I heard he's awesome. He is great. I have a good story. Oh,

Alright. Is this it? No, you're not going to find it. Bullseye, huh?

You know, it's not going to, you know, we're going to find. That's what's cool about Bert though. You love activities. Like you go on the road with him and you're, you're throwing an ax. Go to the Facebook one. The Facebook one. You're, you're, you're building a birdhouse. I remember, I'm so into the Knicks. I remember when we did the road years ago, we went to, we went to a Hooters and we watched the Knicks game and it was so fucking fun. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember that. We were just drinking beers, eating chicken fingers, watching the Knicks. It was perfect. No, that's not it. So, um, I have a great Snoop story I want to turn into a bit. I'll tell you the bit. You help me punch it up. All right.

Now we're cooking. All right. So I don't know how much to, I don't know how much to devolve. Give us the beats. I'll give you the, I'll give you the, I'll tell you the story and then I'll tell you the story. This is a fun thing to do. I did this with a comic one time who had to tell a story and they didn't know how to tell a story. And I said, well, tell me your story and then I'll tell it back to you. And, uh,

And so I'll tell you the story, okay? You punch it up and then tell the story back to me. Or tell me the way you'd tell it, okay? You're more of a storyteller than we are, by the way. I know, but you guys will find jokes inside that story to tell. So you'll know the story. Once I tell you the story, I'll tell you the way I would tell it, right? Then you punch it up and tell it back to me. All right. Let's see if that works.

because I did it for the guy. The guy was, it was not, I'm not going to say too much because I don't want to fucking, I don't want to, you know, he did another thing, but like he told me a story. It was like an hour long. I won't do that for you guys. I'm shorting it. And I told it back to him in five minutes. And he was like, fuck, that's a good story. And I recorded it all. I said, what's your story? You tell it. And he was like, okay. And he told it and it murdered. But he punched it up for himself. So I found out,

My older daughter had part my oldest daughter had partied She didn't drink or whatever and it bummed me out. It really bummed me out and snoops advice I found out I was with Snoop Dogg

But maybe not the person you want to be with when you find out. And he said, his advice to me was don't be a bitch. So that night I'm going to my trailer and Snoop's going to his trailer. And as I go to get in my trailer, he's like, hey, Bert, you can see that I've been down. He goes, hey, Bert. I said, yeah. And he goes, what are you doing? I said, nothing. He goes, okay.

Come on over here. Let's take a shower. And I was like, huh? And he goes in and says, come on in. Let's do a shower. Come on. And he goes in his trailer. I'm like, there's no way I heard that right. Like maybe it's in my head. I go, it's got to be hip hop slang for something. Sure. You know, like, well, you know, there'll be some whores in there and we'll throw money at them and they'll make me feel better. Make it rain. Yeah. So I go over. His two bodyguards are there. And I was like, boss man invited me over for a shower. And they're like, yeah. I was like, okay. Yeah.

And then he sees inside. And I was like, all right. So I walk inside and Snoop's in the middle of his trailer. He's got his hands, big wingspan. He's got his hands on the counter and he's like, all right. And I was like, cool. And he goes, so, just bullshit about the day. Long day today, right? I was like, yeah. I was like, are we going to do this? And he's like, yeah, calm down, calm down. I

I said, I've never done this before. And he's like, are you serious? I said, I'm being dead serious. I've never done this before. And he goes, I call bullshit. And I go, no, Snoop, for real. And he goes, I did it in high school. Like, I did it in high school when you had to do it. He's like, yeah, we all did it in high school. I go, but I haven't done it in a long... I haven't done it since then. And he's like, I don't believe you. I said, you've done this? And he goes, yeah. Not all the time, but like, I'll do it with Dre or Eminem or someone. And I'm like, okay. So I was like, fuck it. I was like, how do we...

Do we do it at the same time? And he was like, yeah, you always do it at the same time. And I was like, okay, because I thought maybe I'd start and then you'd come in and then I'd leave and, you know, fine, fuck it. And so I start walking back to the bathroom in his trailer and he goes, where the fuck are you going? I said, I'm going back to the shower. And he goes, why? I said, you invited me over here to take a shower with you. And he looks at me dead sober and he goes, I invited you here to take a shot with me. I was like, oh, okay, I'll do that. And he goes, yeah, okay.

Now I don't want to do a shot with you. He goes, you came over here to shower with me? I was like, yeah, I'm a big fan. He's like, hold on.

hold on, you thought I invited you for a shower. You came over and you were going to shower with me. And I was like, you fucking brought it up. And then I was like, I was like, how about that shot? And he's like, nah, man, I don't want to do a shot now. I'll see you tomorrow. So it's a good story, right? Good beginning, good ending, middle ending, good ending. Where are the jokes inside? Yeah. I think there's something to it. Maybe the next night he's like, he's like, all right, dude, let's go take a bath. Come on. I was like, you know, next night, next night. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Take a bath. Next night, hey, Bert, want to take a bath? I was like,

Oh, and he's like, just testing. Yeah, there's something, I mean...

take a shot it would be great if i it would be great if i had a great snoop dog impression yeah like if i was like yeah you know like or if i just go if i was like so guys just so you're we're very clear like this is where my brain goes to punch it up i go i have a story with snoop dog i would love to do an impression of snoop dog i do a perfect impression but people have said that's racist so instead i'm gonna just it's gonna be a little off and i was like so snoop dog's like i love

Would you like to take a shower? John Doerr is a similar bit to that. You know what's funny is also, it's funny if you're just undressing while he's getting the booze. It's funny, my shirt was already off, but I could take my shirt off and he wouldn't say a thing in the story. So I'm like, all right, fuck it, and I take his shirt off. He goes, oh, there we go. That's the machine.

I'm like, fuck. And then he gets the booze down and you're like, there we go. Yeah, yeah. You want to do a shot? And I was like, fuck yeah, we're going to take a shower. And he's like, huh? I thought we were coming here to take a shower. And he's like, should I just hold the booze frozen? You want a shot? Yeah, that'll get me in the mood. Yeah, okay. I guess, yeah, let's do a shot too. Yeah.

Shot two. Right. See, that's how fucking, that's the best thing about being around comics. You can have a real story, but then you take it to them and they can just go, just move it around, move it around. Right. Shane Torres gave me the best advice one time. I love Shane. I was telling a story about jumping out of a plane with Rachel Ray, I think, and he goes, I said, I don't know, this part, I feel like it's missing something. You jumped out of a plane with Rachel Ray? Yeah. Whoa.

And he goes, yeah, I know what you're saying. I was like, what is it missing? And he goes, I don't know, maybe some jokes. And I was like, oh, yeah, you're right. Because what I was doing is, and this is what I do a lot. You'll see it if you watch. If you're like a legit stand-up fan, you can see it very clearly. But what I'll do is I will say,

In the story, the guy's like... We get to the door and he's like, all right, we're going in three. So I have three opportunities to make jokes. But what I'll do when I'm lazy is I'll go, suck my dick. Fuck you. I shit my pants. I shit my pants. Whatever my three go-to easy things are. And Shane was like, you should have three jokes. And so one of the jokes was...

Because we strapped into the tandem. So we strapped in. Yeah, background. Why are you jumping out of a plane with Rachel Ray? I want to know that. It was for Travel Channel. So I did Rachel Ray's show and she was like, she on thing was like, what's one thing? Has there ever been something that Travel Channel brought you to that you wouldn't do? And I was a fucking idiot. I said it. I was like, yeah, jumping out of a plane. She was like.

I know what we're doing. Wow. And I was like, what? She was like, I love jumping out of planes. We should do it together. And then you're like, fuck. You're like, I love blowjobs. Rachel Ray is so fucking cool, man. Really? She is really cool. She is really fucking cool. So we go up to upstate New York and we go to jump out of a plane. Wow. And so she takes me.

This is I'll tell you up to the Shane Park is it's interesting Shane's insight and this was I mean why I like being on comics Yeah, it's sometimes a comic will see it very clearly and you don't so we go to They give us our dudes and we and we strap up fuck I've been told the story I'm fucking forever, but we strap in and I'm nervous and the guys like I

He's like, are you nervous? And I was like, yeah. He's like, what are you nervous about? Like, seriously. And I go, oh, I don't know. That you'll get hard because he's behind me. You'll get hard. You'll get hard. Then I'll get hard. You'll get it. We'll both get hard and our chute won't open. And that's how I'll find us in the forest. Just you fucking me to death in the ass. And they're like, God, man, this guy really loves cock. He fucked him into a crater. And so...

So then when you get in the plane, I'm sitting in the dude's lap, which is the most emasculating way to jump out of a plane. You're sitting in the dude's lap. And then we get up to the thing. It's always worse if he's holding you like this. Yeah, yeah. He's cutting you.

He's kissing your earlobe. I'm shaking. Now he's really getting hard. And so we get up to the thing. We get to the window. And I'm fucking this up totally. But we get to the thing. And instinctually, I just hold on to the door. And he goes, let go. And I went, no. And he's like, we're going in three. My old thing was, suck my dick. We're going in two. Fuck you. We're going in one. And so Shane's like, there's room for jokes. So I changed it right before the special. I went, I grabbed my thing. He was like, we're going in three. I was like, wait. I'm not hard yet.

And he's like, we're going in two. I was like, are you hard? And you just put real jokes in there. Yeah. And then the truth is, he said...

Oh my God, what's wrong with your straps? And I looked down and that's how he got my hands loose and we fucking went. Whoa. And I thought I was fucking dead. Holy shit. How high up are you in the air? 15,000 feet. Oh my God. What does that feel like? It's fascinating. It is a feeling I have never felt ever since or before that.

You are acutely aware that the dice have been rolled. That if you are going to die, you can't change it. Like you really can't change it. And you realize my chute is either going to open or it's not going to open. Either way, I can't fix that.

And that's why I would say anyone who's afraid of jumping out of planes, they're the ones that appreciate it the most. Interesting. The fucking dead inside people are like, yeah, put this on my Instagram. They're never going to appreciate it. When you have a fear of death, jumping out of a plane brings that to a fine point and you are sitting there going, looking at the earth going, motherfucker. And when that chute opens...

I always said, I didn't put this in the joke, but I was like, that's a great time for product placement. As that shoot opens, a brand should buy that noise. And then go, this was brought to you by Diet Pepsi. Because you will never forget that moment. That is the greatest feeling in the world to know you're alive. I started sobbing, crying. I think I put in this a bit, but I started crying so bad that the guy...

As we're landing, he's like, hey, man, clean yourself up. They're going to think I did something to you. And I was like wiping it up. It would be a weird time for him to get hard. He's like, sorry, this is what I'm into. Have you jumped? Have you ever done it? God, no. I'm terrified. So this could be a Patreon. When I was in sixth grade, I was walking down the street to get on the bus and a woman jumped out of a...

A building that went splat right in front of me. Shut up. So I'm like, I don't like heights. What? You never told me this. Yeah. Hold on. How old are you? Let's backpedal. 12. Start this at the beginning. I was just walking to get on the bus. What? Where are you? 62nd. And I want to say like Lex or Madison maybe. So it's residential. Yeah. And she jumped to...

She jumped to her death. And it was like splat. I didn't take my MetroCard out, I'm dead. She would have killed me. If I didn't stop to get my card out. Splat. Yeah, I don't like heights. I didn't mean to make this such a sobering. No, no, no. This is bananas. Holy shit. These moments. So I'm at Captain Brian's, right? Stop bragging. Yeah.

We're in sync. Captain Brian, did you ever play there and stay at the condo he had? So he used to have a condo, and it was a walk to a Starbucks. By the way, people listening, this is in Naples, Florida. So you've heard me shit on this before. One of the big hell gigs in America. Oh, I used to love it. And so I go one day, and I go to Starbucks. And I want to say it's around New Year's Eve.

But I go to Starbucks and I go in, I get my iced coffee and I remember taking a piss. And as I walked out of Starbucks, my glasses fogged over because it was cold there and hot outside. And so I stop and I take my glasses off and I go to clean them and I hear a huge boom, like a boom, like a transformer exploded or lightning. And I look around and I'm like, what the fuck was that?

And a French guy is walking to go into the Starbucks. He goes, you sir are a very lucky man. And I said, I know. I thought he was saying in real life. I was like, I know. I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I'm doing Captain Brian's. Yeah. Killed it. He walks past me.

And I kind of watch him and as I turn, a palm tree had collapsed behind me and landed. The big palm frond, like a fucking 150-pound palm frond had landed on the ground behind me and hit the ground behind me and almost hit me in the head. And that near-death experience where you go –

Fuck, man. Had I stopped a second earlier, that MetroCard feeling. It's crazy. If I hadn't gotten my MetroCard, she would have landed on me.

Yeah. I remember I called a friend to tell him what happened to me, and he had one of those moms that she just couldn't stop talking. If you call her, be like, hey. I was like, hey, is my friend there? And she was like, well, he's not here right now, but here's what happened. She talked for like 15 minutes. Jesus. And then she's like, how was your day? I was like, I just saw someone die. She's like, oh, all right. He'll be back later. I was like, that's it? That's it. Come on, lady. Did you stick around? I stuck for like a few.

for like a minute. I remember I had another friend there with his mom and he, and she like kind of grabbed us away and then someone ran over to her and put a blanket on her. So, she was still alive. She wasn't completely dead. She's an old lady. What was the noises sound like? It was like, you're, it's like you talk about your brain protecting you. It's kind of like, you're like, oh, I've just stumbled onto some like film set or something. This isn't real. Oh,

So it's like splat. And then you're like, well, this is a stunt person. But then you're like, well, of course that's not what happened. You know, it would be blocked off. But I remember someone like went over with a, they found a blanket somewhere and put it on her. But she was, I mean, she was dead. She was going to die. Crazy. Old lady. Crazy.

Old lady suicide. Yeah, it's weird to go at that age. You don't see a lot of old suicide. Yeah. Maybe it's just like, I'm done with life. Selfish way to do it. Yeah, right? Overdose or shoot yourself. Now we got to scoop your ass up. Well, you could have killed someone. And that...

That's what I was thinking. I didn't think about that. A crowded residential street. Unless that's your payback. You want them to know. Right. You guys pissed me off. I hate you. My family ruined me. Cleaned me up. Either that or she was skydiving with Rachel Ray and she just went splat.

I met a guy whose shoe didn't open one time. What? And he lived? And he lived. I went to his house in Wisconsin. It had rained the day before, and the ground was soft, was really soft. Wow. And he bounced. And he was like, yeah. He goes, I broke some bones and stuff, but I lived. Wow. Do you see that documentary, The Bridge? We've talked about this before, but they said everyone who jumped and lived regretted it the moment they let go of the banister. Wow.

Bam. You heard the Seth MacFarlane story. He was supposed to be on 9-11. I know, yeah. Oh, I did hear that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he got drunk the night before, was hungover, missed his flight, and he was racing to the airport. He's yelling at the cab, you got to get me to the airport, and he missed it, and then boom. Yeah, and then he said at the airport, the guy, like, it's like the most sobering moment. The guy hands him a scotch. It was like, it's on me.

Yes. They saw what happened. And now we have Ted, too. But he gets to the airport? He gets to the airport, but he's at the airport bar. He just missed a flight. And he ordered a scotch. And the guy was like, of course, it's on me. Because they knew that 9-11 had already happened? Yeah. I mean, if the terrorists attacked more, we'd all drink for free. Is what I'm trying to say. Yeah. Wait, have you had any...

Well, you guys need to drink up. Come on. I'm on third. Oh, you are? Yeah, I'm on the third. Wait, have you had any near-life? I love near-death experiences. Well, I mean, Seth MacFarlane, man, that's a crazy one. Also, of course, the famous Mark Wahlberg story where he said he would have stopped the terrorists. And then he beat up the Asian kid.

It was an old Asian. Oh, yeah, yeah. Sorry. It was an Asian old man. No, it was an old man? That's what I'm saying. It was like, Will Smith is going to be fine. I think Warburg came back from that. She blinded an old Asian man on video. You didn't see it. That's true. Yeah. Damn. You know, I actually got accepted to Virginia Tech the year that... I've had a lot of close calls with life where I go...

Like, oh, that could have ended just an inch the other way, and it could have ended poorly. Yeah. I remember one time when the girls were babies, we had a stroller, and Leanne leaned down to get something out of the stroller, and as she turned, she stuck her head in the street on Wilshire, and a car flew by inches from her head. And her hair blew, and she's like, what was that? And I go, it was a fucking car. And I was like...

Remember thinking I thought I think this a lot and I wonder if this is a comics brain or just a a broken anxiety brain as I go Well, what if I had done? Yeah exploded right there. What would I've your life would be completely different? We are what I would I what she said do I leave her there and then get the girls home? Do I keep the girls there with the dead body? Like I think Georgia at one time she had a shitty she broke her jaw broke all her teeth out. She's a baby. I

And they couldn't find her. George and I just talked about this the other day, too. What happened? She fell? She fell. She had Crocs on. She fell. Yeah. No, I was on the road. I was on the road. I was on the road. I was on the road. I was on the road. Georgia fell, broke her teeth. Leanne called me.

and told me I'm on the road with the Jameson Comedy Tour. I had to do my set. I had to get home. Billy Gardell gives me best advice. Best advice ever. Was he on the tour with you? He was on the tour with me, and he goes, buddy, there's two ways you can do this, the good way and the bad way. I know you're feeling a lot of shit. You go to your room, no drinks, and you go to bed. The other way, you drink through the night until you get your flight.

If you do the second one, I'll do it with you. Wow. I was like, let's pick number two. Me and Billy stayed up all night. We drank. I cried. I was fucking crying aggressively. He's a good dude, right? He's the best. He's the fucking best. I heard he's a killer, too. A monster on stage. And a great actor. And an amazing actor. Yeah. So we get on the plane and go home. I'll tell you the whole story because I feel like you haven't heard it, and it's a pretty good story. I've never heard it. And so we go home. I...

Leanne says, I need you to be a dad right now. So like, I understand you've gotten a lot of feelings, but you got to take a Xanax or something to calm the fuck down because this is, you need to be there for Georgia. So I take a Xanax and we take her to the doctor, a very expensive doctor in Beverly Hills.

and they let us know they're going to have to put her under. That's what was making me really upset, is they had to put her under, and putting children under is kind of dangerous at times. And so we bring her in at 6 in the morning. We're before anyone. They bring us in before anyone. And we take her in, and they can't find a vein in her arm. And so they're poking her, they're stabbing her. Now she's hysterical. She has no teeth. Her jaw is broken. She's in a ton of fucking pain. They can't find the vein, and...

And they pull me aside and they say, we're going to need to give her gas. But she's so hysterically crying right now that we're afraid that if we give her, she might breathe unevenly or she may hold her breath and then breathe. And we can't have that. We need her to breathe very calmly. And so it would be better if you came down and you just kind of very gently told her it's okay and you put the mask on her. And I was like, in my head, I remember my first thought was...

If she dies, do we bring the body home? Like that was my first thought. How old is she? Four. Okay. Three, three or four.

And so she can talk. She can talk. Oh, boy. And so – and I knew her. Like that was the other thing that – Right. These are the weird thoughts that I think. I go, well, does everyone think this or just comics? Like I knew her. Like I knew her pretty well. Yeah. Like I'd known her for four years. Yeah. Like if you lost someone, you go, I knew them for four years. Yeah. But she was my kid. So I go with the mask. I told her this. We were joking. We went on a hike right before – the day before I left. And I told her this joke that I kept thinking was –

I was like, I said to her, so they gave us some sweet gas that's going to relax you and it's going to be so that you can't feel your teeth anymore.

And she said, is it safe, daddy? And I said, it's very safe. The joke I wrote was that I was like, watch. And I said, it's very safe. It's going to be totally fine. And I said, listen, watch. And then I put it near my face. I said, it's totally fine, George. Are you going to be fine, baby?

Here, just smell it. And she went in and she went, I said, did you smell it? She goes, I can't smell anything. I smell a little more. And then I put it over her face and she went to sleep and they're like, great job, daddy.

Mean immediately yeah me that's why I say if you don't know if you don't want to have kids just don't you got to really want them You have moments like this where your vulnerability shows up. You're like fuck did I just kill me you ever nervous though? Were you ever like shit? I'm having okay. I mean you have multiple you know I didn't think it through anything it through I just like guys what you do. I'd so most people do yeah, so then this is the good part of the story right yeah, and so I fucking sobbing crying I go into the bathroom. I'm crying so hard. I'm trying to get my shit together and

I then go into the lobby. They've opened up this dentist's office now. It's like 6.30 and the dentist's office is open. And in the waiting room, it's like a kid and his father. The kid sees me crying and looks at his dad like, you said it wasn't going to be that bad, right? There's a black woman there with a bigger black dude and she's trying to calm me down. Wow. Because I'm crying so aggressively. She's trying to calm me down. She's like, trying to make eye contact with me, but I am just, I don't know if you've ever cried where you just don't see anything, right? So,

10 minutes goes by. I've been crying in front of these people for 10 minutes. That's a long time to cry. Leanne's next to me. She's crying. They come out and they're like, your daughter's okay. She's awake. And, and everyone applauds, right? And, and I, so I go back, we receive her. We, we take Georgia, sit down in a little private receiving room. It was a very expensive dentist in Beverly Hills in a private receiving room with a curtain and a leather couch. And, uh,

And I look at George. She has gauze all in her mouth, but they're like, she's fine. She's still asleep, but she's fine. Okay. So we're just going to let her sleep here and she'll wake up in a little bit, but she'll be fine. And they're like, you did a great job. And I was like, thanks. So we closed the curtain and I look at Leanne and I'm like, and the curtain opens. It's the black chick.

She puts her hand on my shoulder and goes, it's tough being a daddy. And I immediately recognize her voice. I turn around. It's Whitney Houston. Whoa. What the fuck? Get out of here. I swear to you, on my child's life. Come on. On my child's fucking life. She goes, it's tough being a daddy, isn't it? And I went, Leanne. I remember when she said that, I looked at Leanne and Leanne had Georgia and Leanne went...

She sat down with Leanne. She was playing with George's hair. She was like, she was a tough little girl today. I mean, I'm still crying. Leanne's like, oh my God. And she sat with us for like fucking 10 minutes and talked to us about being a parent and how hard it is, how the commitment is. And then we hear, Miss Houston, we're ready for you. We

We go back. The anesthesiologist was there. She had gotten the... The reason we got the anesthesiologist is because she had the anesthesiologist to do her teeth. And then the guy's like... I remember this is... I wish this was funnier. But he was like, so, Whitney, where's Kevin Costner these days? And I just heard her go, put me to sleep. Yeah.

So we go out to pay and they're like, uh, miss Houston's covered the anesthesiologist bill. Whoa. And we're like fucking shut up. We were broke. We had no money. I was like, no, my God. And then the best part of this story as a comic.

The day she dies, Segura calls me. He's the first person. He goes, Whitney Houston died. I went, what? He goes, dude, you can say whatever you want in that story now. So that night I told the story and I was like, she was like, it's tough being a daddy. Oh my God, you're Burt Kreischer. And I was like, you know me? She's like, I'm a biggest fan. Me and Bobby watch all of Hurt Burt. I remember when she died, I was 15.

featuring at Sidesplitters in Knoxville, Tennessee. Oh, no longer here. Wow. Spanky Brown, who passed away. Great guy. And I remember I was...

That night, he's on stage when it happens. I'm watching the Knicks-Lakers game because Jeremy Lin had the 38 on the Lakers, like the biggest game ever. So I just remember this tweet. Someone tweeted, oh my God, Whitney Houston's dead. That's Lin-sane. Holy shit. What if Will Smith had spanked Chris Rock?

I was just thinking that. He should be hired to slap babies when they come out of the vagina. It's a good gig. I was on my way. It's funny. You were there. You were in Knoxville. I was driving to the Bray Improv. Damn. I'll be there next month. Do you remember where you were when Princess Diana died? I do. Where? I was at my friend Phil's house in New Orleans, and we were watching SNL, and an emergency announcement. What year was that?

It was 1997. I mean, I was 11. No, it wasn't. It was 1997. I graduated college. I had moved to New York to do stand-up. And I was in Atlanta. My girlfriend was a flight attendant. And I was in Atlanta at Andy Sheftall's house. And we were about to go out. And they're like, Princess Diana died.

Damn. And we were like, shut the fuck up. Now, the funniest version of these type of things, like that's the funny part. Obviously, I don't give a fuck about realness. Like, I want the funniest. We were talking about losing our virginities. And we were saying on a... We were on Cowhead's Cruise and we were like, what...

song did you lose your virginity to? What song identifies that? It was like, for me, the song I listened to after I lost my virginity, you get in the car and you're like, I did it. Yeah. It was Colors by Ice-T. I am a nightmare. And I was like, I'll be punishing pussy. Whatever. My buddy Pete Lario says, I got the worst one.

I was like, really? Because, you know, that's an Adele joke. I lost my song. My virginity song. I can still feel her beard. That's the best joke. Adele's the king. Is she crazy? Like it's in her bracelet? It was October. I was in the back of my mom's station wagon. We had just started when the song changed on the radio to, it was the mash. It was the monster. Oh, yeah.

I was walking through the graveyard. Monster Smash. I love shit like that. Yeah, I remember I fucked an older lady in New Orleans on Bourbon Street. After I lost my virginity, I felt weird about it. And I remember looking at the TV and there's a Disneyland commercial on. And the TV was just in the dark, glowing Disneyland. And it was too much. Couldn't take it. It was too much old lady, bourbon...

Y2K was happening. Disneyland. I thought about my parents, my childhood. It was all over. You're a man now. Yeah, exactly. Oh, you're a man now. That's fucking... My innocence is gone and this Disneyland commercial was just showing me like, oh shit. I can't smell the perfume Colors by Benetton. Is it Colors? No. Is it Benetton Colors perfume? Pulling it up. Is it...

I'm saying colors because of Emma Knight. Colors. Colors by Benetton. That's so funny. I listened to Colors and the girl I lost my virginity to wore Colors by Benetton. That's so crazy. Was she black? No. Oh, that would have been a perfect. Look at the color. Yeah. It would be the trifecta. Yes. But I remember if I smell the smell of Colors, it takes me back to that night of just...

horrific performance oh and it gives me an anxiety attack immediately if i smell colors by benetton i get an anxiety attack scent is the biggest um sense tied to memory really yeah oh yeah you can smell something like cinnamon rolls and you're like my mom made those when i was five brings you right back the joke i wrote and i didn't say it out loud but when we got in the uber i wanted to go hey guys uh

If anyone didn't put on cologne, luckily he put on enough for all of us. Did you smell that fucking car? I couldn't. No, it was in the back. Oh, my God. It was fucking so much cologne. That's rough. That is like the... You feel trapped. Do they not smell themselves? I don't think so. I think they don't. I think it's a lot of them, they're working crazy hours, so they just don't... They forget to shower, and then they try to... It's like the French showers, they call it. Oh, so they're dirty people. Yeah.

If you had to guess the dirtiest country around, if you said... What if I just said it immediately? I was like, Albanians, obviously. I was talking about Albanians in my new special. Oh, geez. Be careful. Really? They'll get you. Are they violent? They're the scariest. Really? I think they're the toughest people. I mean, John Belushi. John Belushi. He was Albanian. Dua Lipa. Yeah.

Oh, really? It's an innocuous joke, but we were in Serbia, and Serbians and Albanians don't get along. India. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Wait, this is something someone studied? I think they shit in the street over there. Hold on one second. India is number one, two, three, and four? It's a population thing. Yeah, there's a billion of them. Wait, hold on. India's in the top seven. It's in the top nine of the top ten. And 11.

And 11. And 11. And then it's Pakistan. And then back to India. Oh, my God. Then to Uganda. Back to India. Wait, what did you type in? This can't be the right thing. Well, perhaps the Cameroons were sneaking in there. Oh, bloated. Okay. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, man. This changes every Uber ride. There's something kind of scummy about Cologne. Like, I don't know why, but there's something like... I remember Letterman...

dig someone i forgot who was because you're the type of guy who wears too much cologne i was like oh there's something that's like man you don't want to be that dude i i don't do it no dimitri had that great joke i don't know if it's great but he's like uh you ever notice cologne rhymes with alone that's a fun little tag i can't meet you doing these days he's on the road he's fucking hilarious he's funny he doesn't get his due for the joke he does not he does not he's so fucking funny he was the guy that did stand up we just stand up on the first night together our first

Oh, shit. Yeah, and he was the standout guess who's going to be a star funniest guy. Like, his first set, his jokes were...

bananas brilliant stuff I mean his first set I can remember a lot of his first set his first set included I'm Afraid of German Shepherds not the dogs just German men with sheep I tripped and fell down an up escalator I fell for seven and a half minutes yes these were all opening these were his first time doing stand up always half hour on Comedy Central was like one of the ones that kept replaying it was a classic

That's right. He is so fucking funny. I haven't spoken to him since. Isn't that crazy? He has those jokes that make your brain go like, oh shit. Like he has a, I don't know the punchline, but I remember the setup was, I feel bad because tree houses, you make the alive tree hold a dead tree. And I remember being like, who thinks of that shit? Where do you come up with that? His brain was so different. So we were friends for my first year of doing comedy.

And I would go to his house and the way his brain operated, he was like, so today I'm writing, you know, I have jokes and then I'm writing 10 ideas for games. I have a friend that works over at Hasbro. So I'm submitting games to him. I wrote 10 algorithms or puns or arithmetic word things.

He just enjoyed the math of it. Palindromes and all that shit. He has a record for the world's largest palindrome. There you go. He should be in a museum. He would have an easel on stage. But it wasn't annoying. A lot of comics were doing it. It was annoying. It was clever. I saw a guy with a leather jacket and I thought, that guy is cool. I saw a guy with a leather vest and I thought, that guy is not cool. So I figured out

Now their sleeves are cool. Yeah. It's like I saw a Dalmatian walk by a cow and he must think, damn, you let yourself go. Clever shit. I never saw that. He went for the movie. He's a great actor. He's a great actor. I'm saying was. He's still a great actor. I think it got resold a bunch of times. The movie became Moneyball. But I think he was originally supposed to do Jonah Hill's part.

Jonah Hill's. It's hard to sell me on anyone other than Jonah Hill. Jonah Hill's amazing. Jonah Hill's so fucking good. Yeah. And Moneyball is an amazing movie. Great movie. Here's the thing with Dimitri, and this is like, I remember being jealous. Not jealous, like jealous jealous, but like,

he immediately was working yeah immediately he had done stand-up for less than a month and people like hey man can i get you on my show and i remember being like i guess i'm not good because like that didn't happen to me and i was like i don't know and i could not figure out how to write a fucking joke like i remember i was like this is horrific but like one of the jokes i wrote was uh

Because I wanted to write like Dimitri. It was clear that that was a joke and that you were good if you could write like that. And I was like, what do you think? Oh, this is so bad. Oh, here we go, baby. What do you think Papa Smurf's middle name is? I hope it's not Boner.

Papa Boner Smurf. All right, I got to get out of here. Yeah. You just hear a gunshot in the next room. But I remember I could not write jokes, like joke jokes. Did you tell that to Whitney Houston? Papa Boner. She's like, I'm going to take a bath. I saw the sequel to Steel Magnolias, Give Magnolias Back.

Dude, I was so bad. I was so bad. You got to start somewhere. But I remember writing all these... How many bad jokes do you have to write to get to a good one? You have to. Well, I mean... Seinfeld says every joke is a miracle. And there's something to that because jokes are so hard to write because you have to trick people's brain. So there's something to that about like... Not all jokes are great, but a great joke is like...

It's like a magic trick. It makes you happy. Yeah. And if they were so easy to make, then it wouldn't make you that happy. Exactly. Yeah, synapses have to fire. It's a whole thing going on. It's crazy that that's... I remember being in Scotland with Patrice and him breaking down comedy. What were you doing in Scotland? We were doing the Edinburgh Festival. Oh, shit. Were you there for a whole month? Yeah, I was there for a month with Patrice and Rich Voss. Wow.

Oh, what a crew. Yeah, living in a house. I've been doing stand-up a year. He loved Europe. He loved going over there. He always said in Europe, I wasn't a fat black guy. I was just a fat guy. Yeah. Why'd you go so soon into comedy? Because I don't know, to be honest with you.

Because didn't you have to do an hour? No, no, no, no. All we had to do was like... So there was this guy named Louis Schaefer who did... Whose wife... Why do I know that name? He used to run the Boston Comedy Club. He used to be the host. He put together a...

Show of New York style comedy so it was New York comedy in Edinburgh So they come in they see Voss me and Patrice, and I don't I really don't know how I got picked to be honest with you I had a deal with Will Smith I think maybe Lewis was trying to make like be like he's working over over Brooke And so I maybe that was with it But even then you had to deal with Will Smith I had to deal with most with six months into doing comedy what?

What?

He's like, don't tell him how much money it's worth. I was like, I already told Patrice. Yeah. Which was the big, Patrice guessed it. Yeah. And he was like, and he goes, introduce yourself to Esty. Tell her you have a deal in Hollywood. She should know that. And Bert told me the same thing. He was like, go over. They,

you need to tell Esty and them that you have a deal in Hollywood. They don't know about that. This is a comedy seller book for people listening. I talked to Manny and Esty, but I didn't because I was working the door at Boston. But we went over for a month, and I remember watching British comics and not getting it.

And it was like they were doing things that the words made sense, but it didn't make me laugh. Like, you know, it didn't have the pop that American comedy had. Yes. And Patrice and I sat in a theater and we watched a very, very, very talented comedian, Ed Byrne. Ed Byrne's his name. Irish guy. And his big joke at the time was, I was shopping for mattresses with my girlfriend.

And the woman showed us one mattress. And I said, well, that could sleep three. And that's all me said. And the place goes fucking nuts. And Patrice and I are like, I don't get it. And then Voss is like, I think he's saying that they could invite another girl in the bedroom. And we're like, okay. And then Patrice just started breaking down everything. We watched...

greg proops yeah do stand up and greg proops was fucking magical we sat in the back and watched greg proops and but patrice was like analytical about it like he'd he'd pick it apart like kind of like a chef going like that's tarragon you know and so and so he'd be like and i remember we watched russell peters oh wow and patrice was like man and i don't look i don't

memories are memories so i don't know how accurate this is you know but i remember patrice going this guy's gonna make it yeah really and he goes he's got the hustle man he's got the same shit dane has that same shit dane has he's got russell peters was like a fucking gangster man we saw um ollie g the yeah he dressed up in the outfit wow he was offended by he was like looked at it like

The fuck is this guy do? Because he was like, hey, bruv. He was in the street. He was like, they would go up there and bark. By the way, my memory is so fucking bad. You got to see if Ali G was at. See if you can find me and Patrice in Boston. Because my memory is so bad that I go. You think there'll be a picture online of this? Yeah, of course. Wow. See if you can find Edinburgh, 19.

Oh, boy. Pre-9-11 comedy. Yeah. This is a different time. I am. That's crazy. And Ali and what's his name? What's his real name? Sasha Baron Cohen was still getting started. Wow. I fucked up my digital footprint, guys. You're never going to find anything. By the way, that's a picture of me about to get canceled. Where? With the fucking Tomahawk spear in my arm. Leading 10,000 people in a fucking chant. Anyway.

It was worth it. Put in Patrice O'Neill. But Patrice is a comedy just meticulous weirdo. He was on Tough Crowd once, and he's like, I used to say N-word in a car, and I'd change it to N-word in a Buick, and it would get a laugh. Pontiac. Was it Pontiac? Yeah. Oh, sorry. I remember that joke. It was a great joke. Either way, the K sound is always big. It's fun, and specific. It's funnier than car. He came up, so we were doing a rehearsal set.

to we're going to tape it and send it to edinburgh to see if we can get a accepted and i had all my jokes on a little cheat sheet and i was looking at him before my set and patrice just came up and grabbed it and ripped it up and he goes nope nope wow what and he goes you're not that comic and i was like what do you mean he's like you're the comic that just says it just

Just go up and say it. You know what the fuck you're going to say. And if you can't figure it out, just talk. How cool is it that he did that in an encouraging way? Like some guys will do that in a way like they're hazing you, but he's doing that to encourage you. Let me tell you all my Patrice encouragements, okay? Oh, please. So that's one. Another one. I'm getting ready to go on stage. I still do this from time to time. I say a prayer. And he says, if I ever see you praying that you don't eat a dick on stage again, I'm going to slap you in the fucking face. Damn.

So another one, uh, Patrice, we're leaving Embro. I said, I'm really glad that we got to spend this time together. I feel like, you know, it's nice to make a new friend. And he goes, I'm not your friend.

I go, what? And he goes, I'm not your friend, Bert. We work together. We work together. We're two dudes who work together that don't mind each other. We're not friends. Like, don't say, I got friends and you got friends and we're not that. We're just two dudes that we got to work. We got a job together. And we're like, you know what I mean? So I was like, I don't really. And then he goes, oh, don't get feelings about this. Don't get sad. I'm just being real. He goes, let me ask you a question.

I'm flying to Tampa next week. Can your mom pick me up at the airport? I was like, no. That's what friends do that. Interesting. So then he does. He couldn't help but be so real. He sat me through and listened. We watched Enter the Dragon. All we did one day was watch on our days off, we'd watch Bruce Lee movies and he would play Mobb Deep and Jay-Z and explain the lyrics to me. Damn.

Beep, beep. He's like, Bert, this is some pimp shit. Beep, beep. And I'm picking her up. Let her play with the dick in the truck. He's not getting out of his car. And he's letting her know that on the ride there, you can play with my dick a little bit. That's pimp shit, Bert. And I mean, and then, so then I was dating a girl that had a...

Cerebral palsy. And she came over and she was aggressive. She was exhausting. And she hated Patrice. Fucking hated Patrice. A lot of people did. Patrice hated her. Fucking hated her. The first day they met, she went out. She had her right arm was...

the thing, cerebral palsied. And she went and stuck out her left hand. And he goes, bitch, you ain't the queen. Give me the other arm. And he's like, what's wrong with that arm? And she was like, I mean, that's who she was. Yeah, yeah. I heard some story where there was a bunch of girls at the comedy cellar and they were really pretty, like models. And one of them had a mole on her forehead. And he just went, walked up, didn't say hello. He just goes, what's that? And touched it. And they were like eating out of his hand after like four minutes. Because he found the insecurity and he honed in.

That girl stayed in Edinburgh, my room. She stayed in my room for like four days. And Patrice hated her, hated her. So they cut to Patrice does a Showtime special. He does a Showtime special with Gary Goldman, a guy named... I never saw that. Guy named...

Who? Steve Brewer, right? What? Yeah, Steve Brewer. He's Jim's brother who's actually Provax. No, he was like an edgy fucking comic who had done warm-up and his warm-up was so good they booked him as the fucking comic. I don't know this guy. I don't know. Gary Goldman.

Todd Glass, I think. I don't know. They all did specials for Showtime. Wow. Obviously, I'm not a fuck. I was early to the game on how brilliant Patrice was. Yeah. And so I packed my fucking car full of people from Hollywood, drove them out to Brea, the old Brea Improv, and we watched all their specials. Now, also, I was very close with Gary, but Patrice is there.

So at night, we'll go to the bar. Very special. The Great Depression. HBO. Stream that, man. That's a great one. Yeah, Goldman's a beast. He's always been a beast. Great writer. And we go. We sit down at the lobby of Patrice's hotel after the show.

And Patrice comes up and sits at my table. I'm with all my friends. And he's like, what the fuck are you doing out here? And I was like, I'm here to support you. He was like, what? And I looked at him. I said, we're friends. And he started giggling so hard. He goes, I guess we are friends. But I didn't go to his funeral.

why not because i didn't feel like because i he wouldn't got a mind i was like i'm gonna be real like i i found out he died we were dropping off we're picking up dog food and matt frost called me and said hey man patrice passed and i started driving home with leanne i didn't tell leanne and we were pulling into our neighborhood and i started crying and she goes what's wrong and i said um i don't want to tell you you're gonna think i'm foolish she was like what and i was like um

I was like, I feel silly crying because he wouldn't cry about me. And she was like, what's going on? And I said, Patrice died. And she went, oh, baby. And I was like, oh, fuck. And I cried in our driveway. And I was like, he just meant a lot to me. He just meant a lot to me. Sure. And then she's like, are you going to go to the funeral? And I said, I don't know. I want to. She goes, would he go to yours? And I said, no.

And I said, and I looked online, I was like, oh, tickets are like 700 bucks. It's like next weekend. And I go, producer would be like, I wouldn't spend 700 bucks on you. He was charging you cover to the funeral. Yeah. So I didn't go to the funeral. I regret it, but I'm glad I didn't because who I was at the time I was working on Travel Channel, you know, for a fact, it would have looked like, like, it's like, there's certain people that would come to my funeral that you'd be like, did you know him? Right.

No, I mean, that's the thing too is, but also you don't have to feel guilty for crying for someone who wouldn't cry for you. Like everyone is a different, Patrice was a more, he didn't seem like that type of, you're a more sensitive person than he is. I cry a lot lately. Yeah. Oh dude. When's the last time you cried? A breakup. How about you? Uh,

Ooh, I'll cry. I'll cry telling you. So Georgia had... It'd be funny if he was just like, full house. I watched a full house episode. I cried watching Walking Tall with The Rock.

oh that's a fun movie i cried hard as fuck sean william scott's great yeah where's he been by the way he's great i went i cried georgia had a seniors uh it was a senior fashion show and they did it with their dads and it was me and george and uh and i i was told very directly be 35 of who you are

Georgia was like 35% of Burt. That's what we need today. That's good advice. Yeah. And I was like, okay. And so, cause you know, you want to like fucking sparkle and shine and be fun. I love the stage. I immediately want to do something fucking hilarious. Yeah. So I, I, I was forced then to do nothing, which is out of my comfort zone.

But in doing nothing, I got to appreciate how beautiful my daughter is and how this moment was more important. And I started crying. And fucking Isla and Leanne are such bullies. The first thing they said is like, we saw you crying. I was like, yeah, well, I didn't cry. And they're like, bullshit, we have pictures. They took pictures. And it's me like this on stage. Having a kid makes you cry a lot.

Yeah. Don't do it if you don't want one. All right. All right. Shit. I was going to have a kid, but I don't want to cry all the time. Last time you cried, do you know? I cried on a movie. I mean, on a plane watching a movie. What movie? It was Life.

Eddie Murphy. Eddie Murphy. Yeah, the ending kind of gets you. That's a good movie. Eddie Murphy and Martin Lawrence. Yeah, but the plane, they say when your altitude is higher, you have more emotions. That's a good movie. Great movie. I can cry on planes very easily. That's what I'm saying. Give that a go. I think that's a fact. You cry more in that altitude. Easy to make me cry on a plane, too. All you have to do is stand up and say, we're hijacking this plane. I fucking weep like a baby. It's crazy. Yeah.

Or you're not in Delta comfort. Middle seat will kill you. There's something also, the fact that you are flying in a tube at fucking 700 miles an hour at 30,000 feet in the air where you go, life is precious. Right. Yeah.

Yeah, I can cry on a plane easy as fuck. I've cried a lot on a plane. Oh, yeah. Certain episodes of TV sometimes will just hit you too. Like if you care about the characters, it's symbolizing some other shit in your life. I was re-watching Mad Men recently in the episode where...

uh, fuck, uh, Burt Cooper dies. I was like, fuck, it's so well done. It made me emotional. Maybe like tear up a little bit. I get it. I watched cast away not too long ago and just Wilson floating away. He's like, well, it's a fucking volleyball. Those are your dreams. It meant something else. Yes, exactly. Uh, time travelers, wife,

Oh, back to time travel. Time Traveler's Wife, when you talk about it'll represent the thing in your life. That's like a romantic movie, isn't it? Johnny Depp? No. Who's in that? Is it Eric Bana? Eric Bana and Amy Adams. Oh, I'm thinking The Astronaut's Wife. Sorry. And he...

Time travel. Here's why I'm sitting watching. I'm in and out. I'm watching it. I get the idea of the movie, but I'm not watching the whole thing. Rachel McAdams, I'm sorry. Oh, yeah. And then...

And hey, read the plot. Let me see the plot of The Time Traveler's Wife. They made a new one with Will Smith. He slaps a guy that goes back in time to fix it. They actually did make a new Time Traveler's Wife. Really? Yeah, and I reached out. I was like, Chicago librarian Henry D. Tamble suffers from a rare genetic disorder that causes him to drift uncontrollably back and forth through time.

On one of his sojourns, he meets the love of his life, Rachel McAdams. Then they marry, but the relationship, the problems and complexities of any relationship are multiplied by Henry's inability to remain in one time and one place. I'm sure she gives him a lot of shit about that. It's like a comic, yeah. Hold on. Say that again. It's like a comic. You're always on the road. I'm sitting on the corner of a bed. You ready for this, Mark? How he stops himself from time traveling is by drinking. Oh, this is too perfect. Perfect.

So I'm watching this going, this is me. He shows up and she's like, where have you been? Because he goes back in time and he says to her at times, you know, I can't tell you everything because you wouldn't want to know everything. But he's, I get emotional talking about it because it's so fucking good. The end of the movie, right? Spoiler alert, spoiler alert. He dies, right? He dies. But at the end of the movie, you realize that one of the times when he says, I can't tell you everything. I can't tell you everything. I don't want you to know. Trust me.

At the end of the movie, he comes back, and you see where that one time in the middle, he had time traveled two, and he time travels after he's dead. And his little girl's in the front. She's like...

He's here. Oh my God, I'm getting emotional. Dude, it's so fucking good because as a dad who tours on the road, drinks, and then you... I mean, I'm on the corner of a fucking bed. You know I'm getting emotional now. Yeah. Sobbing uncontrollably. Naked in a towel. Naked in a towel. Sobbing uncontrollably. Oh, man.

She's like, Mommy, he's here. She comes running out. She goes, where are you? And he goes, I was just at Garcia's wedding. What's going on? And then he starts to disappear. And she's like, I love you. I love you. He's like, I love you guys too. Oh, my God. Just telling about it. This is just me telling you uncontrollably for 35 minutes. It feels so good to fucking cry. That's heavy. What if I was our job? Huh?

Just crying? No, we get people to cry in a room. I think that's my girlfriend's job. What if you could just make a room full of people cry? Not in the... What if you could make... What if you had a bit

That could make a room full of people cry. In a good way. In a great cry. Yeah, it's not talented to be like, you stupid cunt. I think Michael Richards. That's my talent. Michael Richards did that. That would be so fucking awesome. If you could get a room full of people to cry. I fucking can't believe I just cried. Yeah. If you could get a room full of people to cry in like the best way. You just told a story like, when I was a little boy.

And then all of a sudden they're just like sobbing like, yes, yes for you. That would be cool as fuck. Yeah. You want to laugh at the end. We don't want to be the cry comedians, you know, the emotional comics. That's what that's what that's where Hannah Gadsby missed the mark.

I said this the other night and I regret saying it because I'm sure it's going to get taken out of context. And I told her on Schultz's podcast, we're taking it out of context as an art form. But I said, you know, like Hannah did kind of change the game with comedy. Sure. A lot of people release serious specials now and it's okay. But it wasn't before her, you know? And like, I don't think anyone gives her any. Well, Neil Brennan was before her. That had some serious moments. What did he do?

Three mics. But it was still comedy. But it was serious parts, though. No, no, no, no. For sure. Yeah, yeah. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I thought you were talking about ****. And I was like, wait, what did **** do that made... He made others cry. In my head, I was like, what serious special did **** do? Because I don't... **** is hilarious. Obviously, I don't want to start a war with someone who doesn't mind, who is a **** fan.

kind of guy, but you know, but, and by the way, just edit his name out of this. But no, but she, Neil did three mics.

Kneeled in three mics. That was pretty serious. Yeah. It was very funny, too, but it had serious parts. Whoopi had a one-woman show in the early 90s? John Leguizamo. Leguizamo. That's some heart in there. We Might Be Drunk is brought to you by sheath underwear. Whether you're worried about having your dick stuck to your balls or your balls stuck to your dick or your legs stuck to your dick, it's time to get sheath. Let me see. You're not wearing it, Mark. Is this not sheath? Whoops. Oop.

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This is a part of the podcast where we just digress and tell secrets.

Edit that out. Edit that out. That would be... No, but Hannah, I don't think she gets...

I don't think she gets... I think because the media wanted to politicize what she did. Yeah. I don't think that was her intent. I think she did what she wanted to do. And then the media jumped on it and turned her into something maybe she didn't want to be. Or maybe she did want to be. But it forced so many people to fucking dislike her. When I watched that special... I've always said this. And I might have said it. It's clear. But I...

I didn't hate it as much. I was frustrated at it because it wasn't what I can do. You know, like I can't get serious. I can't. But it was like, I mean, so like maybe I showed, maybe I said negative things in frustration because I can't, I'm not super serious. But like, I still, one of my favorite jokes was in that special, one of my favorite jokes, you know, you have like a handful of jokes you never forget. Yeah. It's in that special. When I was growing up, I knew more facts about unicorns than I did about lesbians. And everyone laughed. And she goes, unicorns aren't real.

There's no fact to it. So I was like, that's a good fucking joke, right? That is good. Yeah, it's a good turn. And now serious specials are kind of like okay. Yeah. So I don't know. Yeah, I think what she did is commendable, changing the game, but I do worry about these serious specials because I think if they're not done right, they're just boring. They're just lazy. They're lazy, yeah. Nobody can't say they're boring.

I know, but I do think there's a reason we all do the road so hard. It's so that the shit is punchy and that it, you know, it's almost like some people do it. They put in the work and other people do it where they're just like, why didn't do the road? Here's just this is just it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is weird. Kind of. Jesus. I'm done. I got to pee. I'll be right back. Well, this is weird thing now where like if you work really hard and write jokes and have a killer special.

You're like a piece of shit. It almost feels like... Do you find that? It feels like, oh, you're one of those guys. I thought that's what we were supposed to do. No, yeah. I definitely feel that way. I completely feel that way. I wonder... I'm just trying to entertain the audience. I feel bad. They're here. I want to make them laugh. Well, no. It's no longer noble to just...

just be a comic yes like you gotta have you gotta have you gotta have like a political agenda behind it right like i like the fact that i don't talk about politics then people go oh you're one of those guys and you're like huh yeah you're not willing to assume i remember i i think what you're doing is harder that's the problem is like they're going oh you're not doing this you're not doing that you're like yeah but you're only doing it because you can't do this

Yeah. That's what I think. I think if you sit there and work on an act and you don't like... Look, man. It's super... I think it's kind of easy to take a fucking political angle these ways because I don't mean this out of disrespect to comics that do that, but I'm saying the reason I don't do it is like I want both people at my show. Yes. Same. I want both sides of the fucking fence. Isn't that the ultimate inclusive? You have both people. Yeah. I stopped talking about race entirely. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Only because...

I felt like I was a tad bit tone deaf when I did. Like I felt like when I did it, I was sometimes I was saying it from simply from my perspective. Sure. And I was like, and one of my like,

And not in a bad way. Maybe I talk about race. By the way, I'm such a hypocrite. I probably talk about race in this special. I'm sure I do. Your race jokes are good. Race jokes are good. I grew up in a black neighborhood and we'd all say fucked up shit. And I get black guys at shows like, you didn't talk about black people enough. So I think we're doing this race stuff based on how white people feel about it. Which is actually the ultimate racism.

I want everyone at my show. Yes, same. I don't have an interest in like, thank you very much. I don't have an interest in anyone. This is where you could slam me if you are one of those comics. I don't have an interest in anyone leaving my show feeling less than awesome. I want them to feel great. Me too. The reason you buy a ticket to come see me is to feel awesome. I'm not in the business of...

Of alienating 25% of the room to really sell to 75% of the room. That walk the room bullshit. We're entertainers. Yeah. Remember when you were a young comic? I remember seeing a comic when I was like 19 and he walked half the room. He was like kind of burned a hole and I was like, that's punk rock. But then you get older, you're like, what the fuck is wrong with that guy? I know. He's ruining people's night. Like, of course that's going to happen by accident, but I'll never set out to ruin someone's night. That's, that's.

Totally. You want to kill. You want the room to be cheering you. That's great. Standing O. You want everyone to have a good time. But in doing that, sometimes I think the old mentality was play to the top 10% of the room. Fuck everyone else. Well, that's like the...

You know, whenever I see comics come in the room, I get nervous. It's like that. It's that shit where, like, you know, you see the guy early on. He's, like, killing for the back of the room, but he's not getting it. And you're like, well, that's a great open mic-er. Right. That's not a great comic. Yeah. Exactly. You know? Yeah. That guy's going to crush the mics, though. I mean, I saw Sebastian not long ago, and it was... The back of the room would have made fun of him, but...

The garden loved them. But you said you loved it. I did. I'm just saying. I could see open micers being like, that was bad, that was hacky, whatever, but...

He killed. The people came and got what they came to see. And I had a great time. We're all laughing. It was great. I saw him at the forum and I saw him with my friends. I mean, just to be clear, he comped like fucking 12 tickets for me. Good seats, good seats. That's nice. And gave us backstage access. And I saw him back there and I was curious to like, I wanted to see how he did his hour, especially in the forum and like a big place like that. And he, you know,

What was amazing about him is that he did, I would say, I would say probably, I mean, I could be really off because I'm not super familiar with everything he's done. I would say 65% new, 45 or 35 old. Yeah. Meaning like he did a big chunk of like the hits. Yeah. And I'll be honest with you, some of which I had heard.

I loved hearing them that way. Like I loved hearing them live. Yeah. I love, I mean, I tell the machine story every time I'm on stage. So I get it. But like, I didn't know you could do that much because people do want to hear some of the hits. Like, look, if I see Ron White, I want to see Ron White tell Tater Salad. That's one of the best bits. Well, you have a machine. Ron's got Tater Salad. Gavigan's got Hot Pockets. Like you, you kind of want to, you got to do some fan service too. Yeah. It's like,

It's like, here's the deal. It's like, no joke. If I bring my wife to see one of you guys...

And I don't mean this out of disrespect to our art form, but I kind of want to see you just murder. Yes. And because a lot... I think people think they're bigger than they are before they are that big. So they go like, I got to do all new stuff. Well, you're not Bill Burr and you're not Louis C.K. Right, right, right. Bill Burr has to do new hours all the fucking time because Bill Burr has a huge fan base that is...

I mean, first of all, big comedy fans and obsessive comedy fans. Yeah. And they're not going to be happy if they don't see a new hour. Yeah. I think sometimes I feel like I would be bigger if I did more old material. Oh, really? I feel like I would be bigger if I just kind of phoned it in a tad bit. I think I'd be a bigger comic.

I don't know. I think it's important that you do a lot of new stuff. I write a new hour. Once I do it, all that's dead. And then within a month, I write a new hour. And then I take it on the road. How do you do that? Do you just sit at a computer and start...

No, I have a... Start banging shit out or what do you do? So I'm writing constantly. So sometimes I'll write a bit like... Like this new bit, right? Like that's not going in this hour, but maybe it'll go in the next one. So I always have it in my back pocket. I put it in a... I have a book where I keep everything. And then I have... So the way I... I mean, not to get too inside baseball, but I think if you listen to this podcast, you're into this. Oh, yeah. I...

Have a I have a list of stories. I'd like to tell so like and and I I know the ones I that I go This is good. This is good. This is good. This is good. It just is Where they fall on the order line of importance and then I have a list of jokes like like legit jokes like shorter jokes Then I know that I can throw inside stories that I write the jokes and then as I do it I go Oh that would fit in that that could be great inside here and

And so the more I can get that to line up, that's how I kind of prioritize stories. And then some stories just like show up. I got this great story right now I'm telling about the one that I need help on about going to an escape room. And when I went to the escape room with my family,

What's funny is I rewrote it. Then it really actually happened. I rewrote it to tell it on stage and it didn't work. And I went, all right, scrap it. I will put it in the list. It's in the queue, but it's not working. It's not working yet. I'm going to have to work on it. And then one night Georgia called me on stage randomly. Georgia called and I thought something was wrong. So I answered.

I said, what are you doing? She goes, are you on stage? And I was like, yeah. And she was like, oh, okay, I'll call you later. And I was like, hold on. And I said something, trying to make something interactive happen. And she said, have you told the escape room story? I said, no, I haven't. She goes, did you?

You should try that one tonight. And I was like, okay. And she fucked me. She said we went with... Remember we went with Nana, Papa, Zay, Mom, and Isla. And I had already taken my parents out of it because I just didn't think they were part of the story. I had taken Leanne out of it. And the story, the way I saw it was like the three of us went to escape room. Those are the only people talking in the story. That's all I need to talk to. So the three of us go. And then I explained one part that I knew could get to work, but it just fizzled out. And then Georgia on stage was like, yeah, the reason...

You got to tell them why we went. And I went, I said, it was for your birthday. She was like, no. The reason we went is because we wanted to watch you and Papa melt down. And I went, what? And she goes, oh, dad, do you remember the crawl space? And I was like, wait, hold on. And so all these things in the story that I didn't think were interesting or important, Georgia pointed out on stage, on the phone, I then tried it the next night and it did

didn't kill it's it's killing a certain parts but it's not great but then i go then all of a sudden it gets moved up to the top yeah and then now i take something out that i've been working on and i go you're out because this is better yeah and so then that's how i that's how it's like it's like a it's like a baseball team some guy's not pulling his weight in right field and you're like well you're you're not the right fielder anymore i want to ask you about this on your show the cabin which i watched i enjoyed uh

I mean, the Caitlyn Jenner episode was nuts. That was completely, no pun intended, but that was crazy. You just have Caitlyn Jenner in there. I love that you're tight with your family. I love that you're close with your parents. And that you had this moment with your dad and Caitlyn Jenner. Was that crazy? By the way, if you don't want to know how things are really made, you should not listen right now. Oh, now we're talking. So that day, I called my dad.

I knew Caitlyn Jenner was coming. A lot of people don't understand how the cabin was done. Obviously, I knew those people were showing up those days. Was that the guest you were most psyched for? No, not at all. I didn't want her on the show. Really? Yeah, I didn't want her. Why not? Do you hate Tramp? I just wanted comics. Oh, interesting. I didn't want any famous people. I just wanted comics. I know, but that's such an interesting once-in-a-lifetime type guest. Yeah. I love Bobby Lee, but you're close with Bobby Lee. Yeah. Aren't you kind of like, holy shit, this is someone from not our walk of life? Yeah, but I...

I just, I didn't, it didn't, I didn't, it didn't register with me. How was the experience though? So that morning I called my dad. I'm in Malibu. That's where we shot it. Are you guys close? You and your dad? Very. Okay. I called my dad and I said, I got Caitlyn Jenner on the show today. And he goes, no, do not do that. Stop. You'll stop right now. Why? I said, what? And he goes, you're going to ruin your career. I said, how? And he goes, you're going to misgender her.

And he goes, buddy, you're talking about an American fucking hero right now. I was like, hold on. Misgender. It's pretty simple. You just stick with the one, right? I go, dad, I'm fine. He goes, no, no, no, no. You're going to insult her. You're going to call her. Misgender. It's misgender. Sorry.

He goes, you're going to call her by the wrong pronoun, and you're going to ruin your career. Your dad's smart. And he goes, just stop. Just stop. It's not worth it. It's not worth it. And he goes, and you're talking to a goddamn American hero. And I go, hold on. What are you talking about? He goes, buddy, when you were born, Caitlin was running the 440, the decathlon. I watched the entire – it was in fucking De Gaulle or Montreal or whatever. My dad – everything rattles off. You've just been born. I just quit track and field.

And that woman redefined... My dad's doing the right gender through the whole thing, right? Right, right. Which is not what you'd expect out of a 74-year-old man. From Florida. From Florida, yeah. Yeah. So he goes, he goes, just don't do it. Just don't do it. And I said, well, it's a little late for that. She's on her way over. What, like, what...

What should I ask? Like, you know this stuff. And he's like, oh, what do you mean? What should you ask? I mean, how do you prepare for something like that? What's the training like? I'm curious. Would you ask her? Did she use, were fiberglass poles around then? Because I'm always curious about that. And then the day before, like when you and my dad had all these questions. So I go, oh, okay, that's a lot. So I go there, right? Nikki shows up first.

Nikki Glaser. Yes. Fortune had been there earlier and we tried to wax my ass and this thing was stuck on my ass. Your dad's worried about Caitlyn Jenner but not about you waxing your ass on TV. That's comedy. I had this pad stuck on my ass when Nikki showed up. So I had this wax thing stuck on my asshole. Nikki's there and I

And I say to Nikki – now I'm like super hyper aware. I say to Nikki, I don't know if this made the show, but I go, I need your consent. I'm going to show you my asshole right now. It did make it. It did? Yeah. And I go, I need your consent. She goes, I consent to see your asshole. And I said, great. So Nikki rips it off. And that's how we meet Nikki. It was a fucking great moment of me, Fortune, and Nikki all mashed into one.

And then we break down. We stop. And I say, so what are we doing? And I was like, well, Caitlyn Jenner is walking over and Nikki freezes. She goes, I'm leaving. She didn't know? She didn't know. Whoa. She goes, I'm leaving. And I said, why? She goes, no, no, no, no, no, no. Everyone's around. We're in the kitchen. She goes, so I did the roast of Caitlyn Jenner.

And we submit jokes. And there were 20 jokes I wrote that did not get passed. And they said, if any of these jokes are told, Caitlin will walk off the show. Wow. And I was like, well, you didn't tell him. She goes, Bruce would have run, but Caitlin walked. She goes, the next day I went on Howard Stern and I told all of them. And she goes, I cannot knock, knock, knock. That's great radio, though, for Nikki. That's a smart move. Yeah.

It's literally I can't be on this knock knock knock on the door and they're like Caitlin's here Mickey's frozen right dude. It was so fucking good. So we hang out we fuck around she knows Nikki She here's the one thing that I like I mean I don't regret but whatever like I had a list of jokes that my writers wrote for me There were like jokes about Caitlin sex change jokes

And one of the things you think is like because they write a joke in a show, it's been vetted by the network. That is not real. Right. So I ran off a list of the most offensive jokes that you've ever fucking seen. And I mean, it's like even the things we did at times, you're like, what? So we do all this stuff. We do the ax to him. We have we talk. And then and then my I say to Caitlin, my dad is a big fan.

And she's like, oh, cool. And I was like, do you mind if I call him real quick? I call my dad. And my dad starts crying on the phone. He's like, you are my hero. You have no idea what you mean to me. And it's like so fucking intense. And then, by the way, the best part of everything is Caitlin...

Caitlin the whole time the second you talk about those Olympics she kind of for lack of better terms bros out a little bit Oh, yeah, and just oh yeah Well, so here's what we did so and I mean we have probably a fucking 30 minutes of footage of her talk or her talking to my dad Wow going through like all of the decathlon all of the training the Russian that was that they would that Easter yeah, and so it was fucking awesome and

So my dad didn't even know he was on fucking camera. He just talked. Wow. Yeah, he just talked. What a moment. That was a great moment on the show. It was great, but it was just random. I don't think anyone knew it was going to happen. Damn. I watched... Did you see the Netflix thing about Bruce Jenner? I haven't seen it. Oh, it's incredible. It's, you know, The Malice in the Palace? Yeah, I saw that one. It was the same series. Same series. That series is so fucking good. So good. The Malice in the Palace was dope. And they do it on Bruce, and it's incredible. I got to watch it. Wait, wait, wait. What do they do? Are you fucking serious? They do the whole decathlon.

And they have all the footage of the Olympics and him training, him freaking out in the locker room. It's incredible. Yeah, it's fun to see Bruce do it. What's crazy is that, I don't know the right way to say this, but like... Transgender. What happened to the word transvestite? That was cross-dresser.

My nanny was a transvestite growing up. Transvestite was a nice thing to say. Crossdresser was, you know, whatever. So we'd say transvestite. Crossdresser seems so acceptable. Yeah. Yeah. It's a crossdresser. It's like a drag queen. Yeah, a drag queen. I dressed up as a woman one day. Yeah. I loved it. Who hasn't?

I loved it. Yeah, it was for a TV show. And they had legit, I had to do a drag queen show. And they had the legit makeup artist come in and do my makeup. And it was, what's crazy is I had some skin problems at the time. So I'm like, what is it called? You know, red marks and stuff. Alopecia? No. Rosacea. Eczema. Eczema. Eczema. On my face. And it went away after that. The drag queen makeup artist was like. What?

Do you want me to fix that for you? Wow. I was like, please. And they put it, you're never going to find any fucking picture of me. I've ruined my digital footprint. Everything's a promotion for a fucking tour date. May 5th, I'll be at the Greek with Mark Norman, Cinco de Mayo. Yeah. Awesome. Hey, do you guys do ads at the beginning of this?

Throw this at the beginning. Let them know that we're going to be at the Greek May 5th. Where else? Red Rocks. Red Rocks. We haven't announced that, but we're announcing it now. Oh, shit. We're redoing. Yeah, we have mine. Oh, fuck it. Fuck it. Uh-oh. Tom Segura calling in, guys. Let's take a call. Put it on the speaker. Take it. We'd love to have him on. Tell Tom we want him on, too. I'm doing a podcast with Sam Morrell and Mark Norman right now. What's up?

Oh, nothing. I got your stem cells ready for Tuesday. Oh, fuck yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Do you want a full blood panel? No. No? Will they test all your hormone levels and everything? Oh, fuck, Tom.

Let's do it. Let's do it. No, buddy. I do not want to know that I'm having a rough weekend. I don't want my liver fucking blood panels. He's four cocktails in, by the way. Of course he is. It's fucking five. Oh, he even did the time exchange. Tom, we want you on our pod, man. They've got a podcast called They Might Be Drunk. You should come in and do it while you're here.

All right, when? Hey, next week, whenever. When are you here, Tom? He's here tomorrow. Oh, come in tomorrow. Do it tomorrow. No, he's doing it. I'm in town the rest of the week. What part of town are you guys doing it in? Chelsea. 40th. 38th. 38th Street. Oh, yeah, done, done, yeah. Just send me a message. We'll pick a time. All right, I'll send a message, a four-way message to all of us. All right, you're getting a blood panel, okay? He's got AIDS. All right.

All right. Now that's a booking. Yeah. Look, that is a booking. It's hard to get Tom to do anything. Now Tom's like, how can I get out of this? You're doing a guest Bears. Oh, yeah. Two Bears, one Cave. Check it out. I can't wait. April 6th. Are you going to be on? It's me and you. Oh, no Tom. No, no Tom. Great. I'm there. It's me and you, and then I think me and Ron White. Wow. Wow.

Ron White is retiring, I hear. What? He says he's retiring from comedy. He's pouring a Tarantino. Whoa. I'll believe it when I see it.

He's going to need it. Everybody says they retire from comedy, then two weeks go by and they come back. Drunk in Public is one of the all-time great comedy albums. Oh, yeah. That's one of the great. Ron White is, I was saying this to Mark at lunch today, if you told me I could have his career at a young age, I'd be like, fucking throw me in the briar patch. Yes. What a great career. Guy gets to go around, drink, smoke cigars, tell jokes, and then I was like, I think I'm on that path.

Like just drinking. And then I was like, oh, fuck. Alex, you said that you could have his career as a young man. I feel like you have. I think I have it now. You're a young guy, Bert. Yeah, he's sober. You're not. He smokes a cigar and has the tequila up there. He did it. I mean, his bit about cheating on his wife is one of the funniest bits I've ever heard. The one about how he goes, just the way he says it, he goes, my wife got this funny idea that I cheated on her in Columbus. And I didn't. I'll tell you why. Just opening a bit that way. I didn't tell you.

The fact that you get a crowd of people on your side and it's one of the funniest stories I've ever... I mean, he is brilliant. I've said this a bunch, but dude, the way that he did Tater Salad, right? I told you this story to tell you this story. Yes. It's been copied by so many comics because it's so identifiable that...

but it's so him. And that's why he's a brilliant storyteller is he, it's an old school Southern way of telling a story where sometimes he'll, it's like, it's almost like a Tom Sawyer ask, like, like, uh, yeah. Uh,

I had an old dog who couldn't hunt. He's not what I need to tell you about. What I need to tell you about is my neighbor. Now, my neighbor could never hold down a job. Every time I'd walk home, that's like the brilliance of him, like the misdirect of his stories. Yeah, totally. Oh, dude, he's a classic. I'll watch him with my mom. Like, the fact that my mom finds him funny. He's like a classic. I mean, that guy. And he's charming, which I feel like a lot of comics don't have. He has a charm about him where you just like him.

And a sophistication. Yes. He's swirling around that scotch. He's got both. He's not just some drunk. He's like some upper crust drunk in like a seersucker suit. You know, I mean, he's terrific. When I wrote, when I did that, we were talking about this earlier. The best joke I ever wrote is the fucking Starbucks joke, right? I was so proud of that. That was the last special. Last special, yeah. I was so proud of it because...

Because it was... I talked to Stan Hope earlier and we were talking about knock-knock jokes. And he was like... I called him up one day and I was like, what are you doing? He said, having a vodka and grapefruit. We need him on here. Oh, yeah. He's like, I'm having a vodka grapefruit and I'm writing funnies. And I went, what? He's like, I don't know. I'm just fucking around. He's like, I'm not writing material. I'm just writing knock-knock jokes. He was like, we're as funny as those guys, right? I was like...

I guess he's like they're not funnier than us. We're the best guys doing it in our generation We should be able to write knock-knock jokes, and I was like yeah, you think about it They're not those are just good jokes, but we should do that and he was like all right anyway What are you doing? And so we just bullshitted so then I was like I tried to write a guy walks into a bar joke and what happened to me and that was I walked into a Starbucks and

And I had one interaction, the first simple interaction. And I mean, this is the thing that makes my dick hard about comedy. I had a simple interaction with that guy one time, right? The next day I walked in, he's there again.

And we have the same interaction, a little gigglier. I'm like, okay, whatever. And he's like, I'll see you tomorrow? Yeah. So I go home that night and I'm nervous. I'm not thinking about the joke at all. At all. I'm not thinking about the joke. This happened on, I think it was April 13th. It was a Friday because Isla got her period that day. Ah, okay.

So Isla calls me from school and says, I got my period. I'm throwing myself a period party. I'm like, what? So I'm not thinking about that. I'm thinking about this joke that she just told me. I'm thinking about that. I'm thinking about that as I go to Gelson's to get all the red stuff, red velvet cake, pasta sauce.

pasta because we're throwing a period party that night we're all dressed in red I go to the Starbucks I walk in and as I walk in the kid sees me starts giggling starts hitting his friends like it's happening and like I tell a different one when I tell the story so I go in and I'm like oh fuck in my head I'm like I gotta tell another how I want my coffee joke I'll take it I don't want to do it

know his father at all. Whatever. The joke is the coffee's black. I'm ordering it black and I'm like, I want it to be pulled over for no reason at all. I want it thugged out. And the last one is I don't want it to know his father because it's the third time. I got to bring a banger. Kid falls out laughing. White woman says, what did you say to him? And I say the thing and I fucking... I stepped out of Starbucks and I was shaking. I was like...

It's like watching... Remember when Neo sees the algorithm of the Matrix? And I go... I go three times. Three times. I walked in a bar. Guy walks in a bar. Guy walks in a bar. Guy walks in a bar. Fucking... That's the problem with cream. That's the problem with cream. Fucking... That's great. And I was so... And I was like, that's the best...

It's the best I can ever do. It's the best I can ever do. I'll never get better than this. And then the fucking nothing. No one ever mentioned the joke. I'm like, kind of cool after what happened in Black Lives Matter and stuff. But you're like, God damn it. And then I'm like going and I'm like, I'm throwing a period party. Like, fuck, I get two jokes in one day? I wrote half my special in fucking one day. Wow. It was like the greatest.

But that guy walks into a bar. I told him. I'll tell you a joke. Tell him he punched it up. Better yet, you tell him my Neil Young joke. Oh, I might fuck it up. No, no, no. I only heard it once. Fuck it up and make it better. Okay, so you're at a bar. Neil Young walks in.

And says... No. Neil Young walks into a bar. Okay. Neil Young walks into a bar and says... Sees Joe Rogan. That's it. I got it now. Neil Young walks into a bar, sees Joe Rogan, and he goes... And Joe Rogan goes, look, let's bury the hatchet. What are we doing here? Stop fighting. And Neil Young goes... He says, Joe says, let me buy you a drink. There you go. Neil Young says, well, I've never been here. What's good? And Joe says, well, I got to get a beer. The shots are no good.

Get it. How about... Fix it, fix it, fix it. Shots are no good. Neil Young? Yeah, because the vaccine. Yeah, it's all right. Shots. Shots. Yeah, all right. Okay, hold on, hold on. Let's start at the ground, okay? Yeah.

Joe Rogan. Yeah. With the punchline is Joe Rogan's at the bar and no one's getting shots. No shots. I think that's the better way. What if it's Kyrie Irving walks in? Well, Neil Young walks into a bar, goes, all right, how you doing, Joe? Joe goes, hey, what's shaking? Let's bury the hatchet. And he goes, let me buy you a drink. What are you having? And Neil goes, let's do shots. And then Joe says, I don't do shots. I don't trust him. Yeah. Sorry.

Something like that. I say I don't do shots. I don't do shots as good. I don't do shots. Rogan saying I don't trust him, I think, is the move. I love the fucking math of how a joke has to figure out. I was listening to old school jokes. I mean, Gilbert Gottfried's got this great album of dirt. Have you heard that album ever? No. Oh, it's incredible. I haven't heard that either. Gilbert Gottfried does an album of street jokes. Whoa.

He tells them in the funniest way. I mean, they're classic jokes, like jokes like, you know, a man, you know, gets a genie. He goes...

I want to solve all the violence in the Middle East. It's been going on for so long. I want to solve the violence. And he goes, oh, I'm so sorry. I can't do something like that. He goes, okay, let me try another wish. My wife has never blown me in 40 years. He goes, let me see that map again. Shit like that. Classic, like old, and it's a whole album of jokes like that. Wow. You've heard the gorilla and the lion? Worth listening. I will. Which one? Gorilla and the lion. I don't know. Oh, that's a classic. It's the best. It's the best. You've never heard this? Oh, you're going to shit. This is the best. This is the best.

Lion is in the jungle and sees a little stream and goes down to have a drink. So as it bends over to take a little drink of the water, his tail goes up in the air. Gorilla comes out of the jungle and sees the lion's asshole and says, you know what? I'm going to just go in real quick and get some of that. So the gorilla comes up behind the lion and gives him the old Liberace real quick. Right?

Lion freaks out. Gorilla hops off the lion and starts running through the jungle. Lion's chasing the gorilla. Gorilla's running through. Gorilla runs upon a big camp of people that aren't there. So real quick, he looks around. He throws on some khakis, puts on a hat, and he grabs the New York Times. And he sits in a chair. The lion runs into the camp and says, hey,

have you seen a gorilla come through here? Gorilla lowers the paper. He lowers it and goes, you mean the one that fucked that lion in the ass? He's like, it's already in the paper. So the brilliance of the joke, the brilliance of the joke, and this is, this is a, I forget, it's a Gilbert Gottfried joke, I think. Oh, is it? I think so. I don't know. Look that up. The brilliance of the joke is that

You can't repeat words, right? So he gives him the old Liberace. This is Bill Burr broke this down or had someone break it down to him. Gives him the old Liberace. You can't say fucks him in the ass because fucks him in the ass comes up later. Right. Gives him the old Liberace. And he says, and he picks up the New York Times. You can't say papers twice. He picks up the New York Times. So he goes, it's already in the papers. That's the punchline. Yeah. You need to hear the punchlines are, you mean the one that fucked that lion in the ass? Yeah.

You need to hear fucked him in the ass for the first time. And it's already in the papers for the first time. Yes. And so it's those little nuances of like, I watched someone special.

And they kept saying the same fucking word. I know. And I'm like, what the fuck are you doing, dude? Well, it's like the classic Carlin thing with stuff. You either got to say it once or 50 times. Uh-huh. Right? I love the classic street joke, the one about the two pedophiles looking at kids in the park. It goes, man, that's one hot seven-year-old. It goes, yeah, it must have been something in her day. That's a classic one, too. Classic. See, what bugs me is like somebody could hear that and go, you're joking about pedophilia. That's fucked up, blah, blah, blah. And you're like, it's a joke. It's all mechanics. Yeah.

Jokes are mechanic. It's all this tweaking and twerking. It's not about pedophiles. Sure. You know, that's what bugs me. And I feel like those people have sadder lives because they can't see the joy in it. You know, Chad Daniels had that funny thing where he does a joke about, I don't know, whatever, anal sex. Half the crowd laughs. Half the crowd groans. It goes on. He goes, I feel bad for you guys because they hear that and feel joy. You get angry. You just have a shittier life.

and he just breaks it down you're like that's true fuck you well yeah i mean gilbert's album is great for any comedy lover because it's just like classic jokes like every joke you love like you know the one about the guy who's he shit faced the bar he vomits all over himself the bar he goes what do i do my wife's gonna kill me for being this drunk that's a great and he goes uh take a ten dollar bill stick in your front pocket say another guy vomited on you he gave you the money for the dry cleaning so he goes home his wife's like what the fuck he goes

some other guy puked on me. He put $10 bills in my front pocket. And she goes, there's a 20 here. He goes, he also shit in my pants. Those are classics. Those are like Gilbert's album. Great jokes. I love them. Now you see a comedian who bombs a lot should hear that, you know, these comedians are like talking about how they got molested and all this shit.

You gotta hear that and go, I could never do that. That's a hard joke to write. The gorilla thing is a hard joke to write. But they're looking down on that. But I'm like, you couldn't do it. You could never do the gorilla joke. Know the rules if you're gonna break them. Yes, exactly. Yeah.

I could listen to probably an hour of street jokes. I know, they're the best. Street jokes are so good. I'm telling you, dude, both of you listen to Gilbert's album because you're going to be like, oh, these are perfect. Do you think he wrote them? No, he didn't write them. Oh, interesting. They're classic jokes that he's just kind of telling because he doesn't play off that he wrote them. He's like, these are old jokes. Yeah. But it's still fucking great. It's great. What's the one...

They're hard to remember. Did you ever hear the one? Oh, fuck. You know who used to be great at them was, I met him, Buddy Hackett. I met Buddy Hackett. Oh, wow. I met Buddy Hackett twice. I met him twice. He was phenomenal. Yeah. His Carson spots, dude, they're on YouTube. Oh, yeah. Guy goes into the doctor and he's got a huge set of balls. And he goes, Doc! Have you heard this one? Doc!

I have a problem with my voice. The doctor says, it's because your balls are so big. And he goes, what can we do about it? He goes, well, I can take them off you and your voice will be normal, but you're not going to have the balls anymore. And he goes, anything to get rid of this voice. So the doctor cuts the guy's balls off. A week later, the guy comes back to the doctor. He's like, okay, doc, I got to be honest with you. I fucked up. I think I want the balls back. The doctor's like, here's the problem.

I put them on myself. I fucked it up. I fucked it up. I get it. I'm drunk. Anyway, Buddy Hackett has great, Buddy Hackett would tell great jokes like that. And they're long setups. Like it's a different style of comedy. He's on the couch. The setups take a while. Right. Do you ever think we could, I mean, is what we do easier than that?

Yeah, yeah, I think so. Probably. But we do it in a way that it's more entertaining. Because if you just stood there and told those, it'd be funny, but maybe for 20 minutes. After a while, you'd be like, all right, what are we doing here? This is weird. But if you make it personal and make it an event, that's a comedy show. So I think what we do is take jokes like that and make them...

Work over an hour. There's another one. This guy is, uh, your wife was in a horrible accident. The doctor's telling me your wife's in a horrible accident. You're gonna have to help her, uh, get dressed every day or accident. So bad. I mean, she's never gonna walk again. He's freaking out. He's like, oh my god. Also, she's gonna have to shit in a bedpan. You know, she's never gonna be able to take, you're gonna have to do that for her too. And the guy's like, oh my god. And the doctor goes, I'm just kidding. She's dead.

That's a joke. You fucked it up. I fucked it up. I got good news and I got bad news. What is it? He goes, what's the bad news? He goes, well, your wife's been in an accident. She's like, oh, fuck. Holy shit. What's the good news? I'm kidding. She's dead. Ah, there you go. I fucked it up. That's funny when you... We've had too many of these. Yeah, we have. We're hammered. What do you guys... Do you have to do spots tonight? Yes. I got a few. Where? Gotham in the cellar. Stan in the cellar.

Really? I got to do Bobby Kelly's podcast at 8.30. Oh, okay. What about this, Jeff? You heard this one real quick. The guy's eating a girl out. Her vagina smells like hell. So he goes in the fridge and puts deodorant up here. All right. I almost did a spit take. That's a sign up and a callback. I almost did a fucking spit take. That was fucking good. I almost did a spit take. That was good. What was the one with the guy...

Goes in and he's putting corn in her pussy.

Type in corn in her pussy. Corn in her pussy. We just see Matt getting arrested walking out of here. Corn, you sick fuck. This used to be a part. Remember, people would tell jokes all the time. Because we had no phones. We had no internet. So people would just sit around and be like, oh, you ever hear the one about this? No one does that anymore. That was a big part of life. I don't know. Well, do you think, here's the real question. I hope. Do you think, wait, here's the real question.

I might be drunk. That's the pod. We might be drunk. Is there a camera on me? Yeah, dude. There's a couple. Where is it?

Oh, it's right there. Okay. Oh, there you go. Okay. So the whole time I'm like, are we recording this? We just wanted to see you do it. When you did Batman, when they had Batman, they had the Joker, right? And they had the Riddler. Is there a group of people who come up with riddles and do them in front of an audience and then people solve them? Like is there a riddle guy? Like the way we can write jokes, the thing we love about jokes, is there someone that does that with riddles?

Like riddles are fucking great. Riddles? Give me a riddle. I don't know what a good riddle is. No, no, no, no. Like an old school riddle. The new age one, the wordler. That guy is fucking... Wordle. I play wordle every day. Did you play it today? I played Purtle, the NBA version of it. Purtle? He's an NBA player. Oh, okay. Oh, for real? Yeah, for real. It's called Purtle. Oh, shit. I play girdle.

We got to wrap this up. We're pushing two hours here, all right? Oh, we're over two hours. So wait, like a riddle. You got a crew out there, by the way. We should make them a drink real quick. Yes. Can you make them a drink? I feel bad.

So you have a pig. No, a pig. Wait, this has jumped the shark, this episode. No, no, no, no, no. We're like buying a piece together, bitch. Hang on, hang on. Here we go. Riddles. Funny. No, funny riddles. No, those are funny riddles. No, I want a riddle. A bag of grain. A fox. So I've been riddle. A bag of grain. If two trains leave Cincinnati at 8 a.m.,

Okay, go. Cut to 30 minutes later. We're doing Aesop's Fables. Chicken, fox, bag of grain riddle. Right there. Okay. Okay. Okay. This is how bored people were back in the day. Okay. So I can't read it. You have a fox, a chicken, and a sack of grain. You've got to cross the river with only one of them at a time. Okay. If you leave the fox with the chicken, he'll eat it. If you leave the chicken with the grain, he'll eat it. How do you get them across safely?

Okay, I don't know the bandwidth for this right now. By the way, riddles are pretty fucking cool. Yeah. Like a good riddle. It's like word math. Yeah, you're like, oh, interesting. It's true. It's just funny to hear riddles are fucking cool. You are right. It's a funny thing to say. I don't know. Yeah, that's true. What is the bird of peace? What is the bird of true love? Well, easy, hippie. Is this a riddle? I'm confused. Swallow.

That's like what you say to a woman who's chained to a bed. So you take the chicken over first. Oh, they have the answer. You take the chicken over first. Then you come back.

You grab the fox. You take the fox over. You pick up the chicken. Bring the chicken back. Pick up the grain. Take the grain over. Come back. Pick up the chicken. Take the chicken over. Like riddles. I guess that's pretty simple, though. No, I don't think that's right. No, that's pretty cool. Because the chicken would eat the grain. Take the chicken over. That's what I said. Take the chicken over. Go back and bring the grain back. Oh, he said it right. And leave the chicken. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I said it right. I thought you said the fox second. No. No.

So there was like the one time, this is like one of the biggest fights I've ever been in my fucking life with my wife. Ever been in my fucking life with my wife. You're like, do you bring the grain or the chicken? You fucking bitch. It's a fox. It's a fox. We were pulling into the Galleria out in Pasadena. I think it's in Pasadena. And we're in our truck.

And she hits that, you know, that PVC pipe that they have that says seven feet, one inches. She dings it. I mean, hard as fuck. And I go, hey, our truck isn't going to fit. And she goes, that's not what that means.

I go, that's actually exactly what that means. Yeah. She goes, no, baby, that just lets you know that they just put that up and they go, just give me a heads up, you got to be around this height. I said, no, the reason it's PVC pipe is that if you hit it, you know you will get stuck somewhere in here. She goes, that's not what that means. And she's still driving. I'm like, stop fucking driving. Yeah. Stop driving. We're going to...

And we get stuck underneath the thing. Whoa. Yeah. And I'm like, she's like, how was I supposed to know that was going to happen? I said, they put a fucking PVC pipe out to let you know that's going to fucking happen. Yeah. Are you being serious? And then the riddle was, how do you get your car out? Super easy riddle. Anyone?

Back it out. Oh, that'll fuck it up more. Is it a convertible? What kind of car is it? At the time, it was a Navigator. No, no, no, no. Oh, I got it. Deflate the tires. Boom. Aha. Back it out. Yeah. Go to a gas station, reflate the tires. Nice. Actually, minimal damage to the car. Really? Minimal damage to the car. It was a...

I'm clouded in the fight a little bit because the fight was so aggressive. My daughters were in the car and it was so aggressive. Whitney Houston covered the car though, right? Yeah, Whitney Houston paid for the fucking... But you won the argument at least. Nope. Come on. To this day, to this day, she goes, that's not why those are up. Jeez. It's like, as you go...

back when they used to hit women that's the only that's the only thing that's clipped from this episode obviously that's a joke but why would but like you know there's someone that would hear that and go what the fuck yeah and you're like no it's a joke i don't hit my wife i bought an oculus so i could punch her when i like i put an eye i bought an eye those look fucking awesome by the way do you have one

Bobby has one, I believe. Yeah, of course Bobby has one. He's got every gadget. He's sober. Bobby gets the cheap version of the gadget first, the one that's the knockoff, the one that the first prototype where you're like, it doesn't really work that great, and then he gets the great one. Right. Bobby gets every version of whatever technology is from beta type prototype to the fucking alpha prototype. Bobby is so dialed in to fucking...

That shit. I don't know how the fuck I'm going to do this podcast tonight. I don't know how you're going to do it either, dude. Well, we'll take a breather and we'll get a slice. Maybe I'll get a slice or something. What's your plan for the night? How does this work for you guys? Do you know? I'm in the cellar. I mean, I'm staying out. I'm out now. You're out? I'm out. Should we head down and go find a bar? I could do that. No.

Yeah. Don't make the spots. No. I'm just saying. Well, Boog, plug some gigs before we wrap up. Yes, yes. Watch out. Cinco de Mayo, Red Rocks. I'm there with Mark Norman. Cinco de Mayo, I'm at the Greek. Red Rocks, I'm at September 9th. I don't know if we've announced that yet. So if you're hearing this, it is a secret. Don't share it with anyone. Get your tickets when I announce. Well, fuck, we've got to do an announce video, Mark. Oh, we'll do that.

I am in when does this drop today? Sunday. Is Sunday okay Matt? If Matt can handle it. Maybe Sunday or next Sunday. So then Baltimore no I'm in

Reading, Pennsylvania on the 7th. Baltimore on the 8th. University Park. Nashville. I'm in Nashville. I'm at the Grand Ole Opry on the 21st. And then the Ryman. I have two shows on the 22nd. Whoa. Great room. Yeah. That's a special one. That's a great room. I was supposed to just do two at the Ryman. And then for some reason I got...

They are three at the Ryman and then they move one to the Grand Ole Opry. And now I've got some tickets to move people. Yeah. Yeah. So it never fucking stops. Does it? Huh? And then a grand junction amphitheater, Kingsbury hall, Salt Lake city. Um, um, and then I'll be adding shows for the winter tour.

because I'm getting ready for my special. Like I said, Mark and I are at Red Rocks. We have not announced this yet. Hell yeah. So if you hear that, don't share with anyone. It's going to be September 9th. Don't tell that to anyone. Just get ready. It sold out last time. It should sell out again this time. Definitely. And then it's going to be fucking... And then the Greek, Cinco de Mayo. Nice. That's a big one. That's a milestone for you. It's a big one, but it's a big one in like... It's crazy. It's like...

Fucking Chappelle's doing four shows at the Hollywood Bowl. Oh. Guffy. Guffy. Guffy. Guffy? Puffy. Puffy? Fluffy. Fluffy. Mother of fucker. Oh, Fluffy. Fluffy's doing two sold-out shows at Dodger Stadium. Insane. Dude. Insane. I mean, pull up Netflix's A Joke Festival. Take a look at what...

Take a look at the week of comedy that's happening in Los Angeles. We'll be there too. Yeah, you got that right. What are you guys doing? Just small shit, some other stuff. Wait, wait, wait. Go back to the list. Oh, wow. Larry David. Go back to the list and then look. Ali Wong, Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, Amy Schumer, Anthony Jeselnik, Aziz Ansari, Burt Kreischer.

Big J. Oakerson. Third billing. Bill Burr. Chris Rock. Chris Rock. Whoa. It's alphabetical. It's alphabetical. That's a slap in the face. Will Smith is opening. John Mulaney. John Mulaney. Fluffy Fortune. Jesus. Dude, this fucking group of comics. Wow.

That's a lot of money. Seinfeld. Larry David. Margaret Cho. Mark Maron. Michelle Wolfe. Moshe Kasher. Mo Amr. Maria Villasen. Marlon Wayans. Patton Oswalt. Pete Davidson. Pete Holmes. The Plastic Cup Boys. Yeah. No way. They made it in? Dude. Pete Davidson down at the bottom there. All right. Wanda Sykes. Mark and I are late additions too. Seth Rogen. Tom Glass and Tom Popper.

Dude, this is, I mean, suffice to say, if you see a lot of promos from me about the Greek, it's because there's a lot of really good shows that week. Yeah. I want everyone to come out and see our show. Go see Bert for sure. And I'll be in LA that week and we'll do some fun stuff, Mark. We'll figure something out out there. I know everything's booked up. We'll do something.

I'll be at Salt Lake City. Wise guys. Are you going to come hang out with us at the Greek? I'll be there. I'll come through. What night is it? Maybe do a spot. Really? Of course, yeah. I'm there. Now we're talking. It's a fucking evening. What night of the week is it? It's an evening. Thursday, I think. I'm there. It's fucking. It better be binding, buddy. I'm coming through. Just added LA. It's one night. Quick night. Brea. I'll be there for the Brea Improv that weekend. Beacon is sold out, brother. Whoa! Oh! Shook my dick. Oh!

Oh, shut the fuck up. One for the books right there. I might add a Gotham weekend too, throw in there. Then we got Nashville, Albany, Toronto, a bunch of shit coming up. So come through. It's going to be great. Excited to be on the road. It's so cool to see you guys. Chicago, Chicago filming a special in June. So check that shit out. The Den, beautiful venue. Oh, I hear that's great.

I got a theater tour. Tickets are not looking great, so please help me out, folks. Chicago, Cleveland, Durham, D.C., Denver. Indianapolis, two shows. Thursday and Friday. Yeah, yeah. Who knows? Must be looking all right then, man. That's pretty impressive. We were adding shows in some cities, and then some cities, nothing's moving. What cities aren't moving? Cleveland. Cleveland.

It's a tough one. You know what you got to do? You got to do Rover's Morning Glory. Hey, hey, you know the guy. Rover's Morning Glory, that show will sell you the fuck out. Really? I don't even know this show. There are a handful of shows that you have to do when you go to their market. You're a machine, dude. You're the machine. You're also a machine. And I'll tell you all the ones, but let me tell you, when you go to Cleveland...

Rovers morning glory will put you over like your machine gun Kelly coming home for homecoming it is Fucking Rover and it's a great fucking interview. It's fun as fuck He's a there's a great the crew. It's a huge radio show huge and syndicated. They're out in Buffalo there It's worth I'll tell you this and I'm saying you know I love the inside baseball everything and

If I'm doing Cleveland, I fly to Cleveland one day. I do Rover's Morning Glory just on a Tuesday while I'm on tour. On a Tuesday, on my flight home, say I'm coming home from fucking LA, I'll stop in Cleveland, spend the night, do radio, get on a plane the next day. Wow.

Is that important? Cowhead, Elliot in the Morning, Preston and Steve. Preston and Steve are amazing. I'm going to stop there. There's a list, but on the list, and I know I didn't name some people. There's a lot of people that are my fucking good friends in radio. Woody. There's like all my friends. Yeah. So I'm stopping right there because I don't want to miss anybody. But off the top of my head, those are... You go to D.C. If you do fucking Elliot in the Morning...

You might as well add a... Wow. Well, Preston and Steve, they just did a thing for them on... It's always sunny in Philadelphia. They got a little camera. Oh, yeah? So it's pretty fucking cool. Dude, anytime... That's my go-to is anytime those radio shows hit you up and they're like, hey, man, like Cowhead. I've known Cowhead for... As long as he's been married, for like 25 years. Yeah. I've known Cowhead for 25 years. Calta? Yep, my Calta is his name. But if...

There are times that I would do his cruise for free. I'd fly myself down, stay at my parents'. I'd do his cruise. He'd pay for the cruise. He'd pay for my food on the cruise. And then I'd fly myself home. And I'll tell you and I'll say that it's paid off.

It wasn't an investment in anything other than I really love Cal. I love that guy. But those things, ultimately, you see this weird payoff down the line of your career where there are people who have known you for 20 years. When you go in and do radio shows and you become friends with the people and you form a friendship. Like, Elliot...

uh uh rover preston and steve cal mike calta paul young ron paul castronova these are people like and like i said i'm stopping because i'm leaving on people there are a few people that are legit friends yeah and whenever they said whatever radio show ever said hey burt would you like to do our dot dot dot my answer was fucking yes and thank you i did rover i did uh rover fest one year he's like hey man

Don't know the logistics with him off. I apologize for over, but he was like hey, you know We can fly you up We can put you up for the night and we can't give you a lot of money I want to say I did it for free, but I don't know but I don't none of the money never mattered because he put me up in front of like fucking 30,000 of his fans

And I introduced Machine Gun. No, no. I introduced Big Boy from OutKast. I did stand-up before. My stand-up bombed. But no, it was perfect because I pivoted and girls were just flashing because it's an outdoor venue. And so we had a cameraman who should have been filming me. I go, spin it around.

I go, let's see them, ladies. And we spent 15 minutes just chick-splashing the Megatron, Jumbotrons. And the place fucking loved it. And then you were telling jokes in between. She had a million jokes you can come up with then. And Big Boy from OutKast was like, this guy's fucking funny as shit. And I was like, yeah, I met Big Boy, Daddy Fat Sacks. OutKast is so fucking legendary. So good. Underrated. I guess they're not underrated. When you go to Atlanta back in the day, the regular guys was like,

You'd sell out everything you did the regular night. Wow. If you did good on radio. I remember there are so many. Andrew Z was in Todd and Tyler. Todd and Tyler in Omaha. To this day, you go do Todd and Tyler.

And you're clean. Really? Dude. I thought radio was dead. No. Wow. It's just that it's not... Look, podcasting isn't everywhere. So you can... John Boy and Billy. Like, there's so many great radio shows that are out there that have diehard fans. People that grew up on it. Like, not everyone is a tech programmer, you know? Right, right. Like, there's guys that...

dig fucking holes that like comedy there's guys that yeah sure put up drywall that love comedy yeah and they get to work early john boy and billy's on and they hear him then all of a sudden you're like you know coming up we got burke kreiser and they're like oh fuck now they're on a work site with a bunch of people and they're like who the fuck's that and it's like oh it's the guy that shirtless guy rips his shirt off tell god ball rush mafia another guy's like i

I don't know. Hey, man, check him out. You're going to like him. Those moments, they help. They help a career. It's not like Larry the Cable Guy back in the day when you used to do Todd and Tyler and they sell out fucking or Bob and Tom. Bob and Tom. Bob and Tom. They hated me. They hated me so much. I've done it multiple times. They always hated me. Bob and Tom. Bob and Tom is...

I say this to anyone who thinks radio is dead. Bob and Tom legit moves the needle. Still? Legit moves the needle. I mean, I'm telling you. I think they have to like you because I've done it and it did not move the needle for me. Oh, no, no, no, no. It moves the needle. I'm telling you, man. You know, I'm kind of a geek about this kind of stuff. Yes, he knows his stuff. I'm sure. Like, if I tell you there's shows in New York where

Where I go, that's worth your time to wake up early to do whatever they say. Because it's really cool, man. I never understood it until Rogan.

But Rogan shared, he shared his audience with me. Oh, boy. It's the coolest fucking thing in the world. That is nice. Think about Joe and how selfless he is. Yeah, he's a generous guy. Because he puts you over and he's like, come on my show. Let's use Mark as an example. Mark's a perfect example because Mark was nervous to do Rogan at first. Sure. And he's like, I don't know. And I remember all of us were saying, just be yourself. Go in, don't give a fuck, have fun. He's got a great sense of humor.

And Mark's Rogan appearance was such a fucking spike of people going, who the fuck is this guy? It's the Rogan bump, man. You get the Rogan bump and all of a sudden all your shows sell out immediately because there's, what is it, 10 million people that just heard you be awesome. And Joe is generous. He's fucking, he loves standup. He's a great standup, but he celebrates you.

And these radio shows do that. Now, here's the thing. Not all radio shows did that. And that's why radio gets a bad rap. There's a lot of radio shows where like, I'm the star. I'm the king. I have the deal. I have the money. I'm, fuck you, prove yourself. Joe never did that. And a lot of these radio shows, I think, kind of caught on and they're just like, yeah, man, come on in. Like you do Cowhead. You hold that. You do all morning. Thursday, Friday. Let's do Thursday, Friday. Mike Calta is his name. I keep saying, fucking it up. Elliot, same way. Elliot,

Hey, come in at 9. Mike Calta always helped me in Tampa. Oh, yeah. Preston and Steve, you come in. They'll be like, hey, man, we have Courtney Love coming in. And you're like, for real? Are they smashing pumpkins opening? Because I could crush this. You're one of the only people who did radio when you didn't need to. A lot of people go, oh, I'm sold out. I'm not going to radio. I still do radio. You do it. I'm doing podcasts. Well, podcasts help. Mark is here.

Well, this isn't radio. I'm talking about radio at 6 a.m. I did radio in New York. Wow. Yeah, of course I did radio in New York. I didn't radio in New York when I didn't have shows in New York. And then, look, you can find it online.

Like I think a lot of comics wouldn't find the purpose in it technically. But I tell you one thing. I met DJ NBA and Charlemagne and I was like fucking – because they were in the same building. I walked into their studio. I was like, I'm a huge fucking fan. Yeah. I love that show. I love Breakfast Club. Oh, me too. Angel Yee wasn't there. But like I still do radio. It's – dude, it kind of – I don't know. Can I tell you I have anxiety when I fly? I feel like if I didn't have anxiety, my plane would crash.

So the way I look at radio is I go, the day I think I'm too big to do radio is the day my career is over. The day that people are like, what happened to Bert? Dude, Preston and Steve reached out to me and they're like, hey, I know you're in Philly scouting your location for secret time.

Would you be interested in spending the night and then doing our radio show with Rob McElhaney from Always Sunny? And we're going to be at the parade. And I went, without a fucking doubt. Was he cool? That's a great day. He was awesome. I met him. I did Conan with him once, and I was so bummed I didn't get to meet him. I just didn't stand. He was so fucking awesome. We had cold beers. We fucking watched the parade go down in Philly. Wow. The Eagles had won the Super Bowl. And it was like fucking awesome.

awesome and that he's a legend but they're not offering that to everyone they're offering that to people that are always cool that always show up and they know come in prepared come in with it with something to talk about something to spin off on something with the story their game I'll fucking whatever shirts off a fucking M. Night Shyamalan I'm in

I'm in a Speedo. There's a picture of me and M. Night Shyamalan in a Speedo, and I'm drunk as fuck. And it's one of the fucking best interviews I ever did because I'm obsessed with that guy. Yeah. Right? And then he was like, hey, would you come do a benefit for me? And I was like. M. Night Shyamalan said that? Yeah. What? The twist is that he was dead. But there, that's the picture. No, that's. Whoa.

Look at that. I see fat people. We got to wrap this thing up here. You got people outside. You paid your dues, man. Yes. You're still doing it. Because you paid your dues, people are very loyal to you. And your loyalty, it works both ways. So it makes sense. Hear, hear.

People remember. I'll tell you what. Yeah. We should break this up. We love you, though. You've always been a great guy. I love you guys. It's so cool. You've always been awesome, and you've always been hilarious. Yes. You've always been generous, too, so we appreciate you. A lot of guys in this business who get some fame, and they get weird, and they get distant, and they get big-timey. You don't have an ounce of that. No. Well, you know. I mean, you've got a camera crew outside, but other than that, you're right. Wow.

Oh, great. All right. Well, let's wrap it up. We'll have a drink and then let's go. Hey, I'm going to say this heartfelt cause I'm drunk now. Uh, I've known you guys for a long time and it's very cool to see you guys fucking blowing up. It really is. It really is. Same about you. You're huge. And we, and we take that. We're happy as hell. We all know each other when we were broke as fuck. So it's cool to see you guys fucking succeeding on this fucking level. Thank you. And by the way, if you enjoy this podcast,

I just want you to know, you're welcome. I created this podcast. That's been a plug for you're welcome, everybody. There you go. See Bert, see us. Take care. Comb your hair. Thanks, everybody. Comedy. We did it. We did it.