Ep 68: Twhiskey Sours
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Are you almost ready? Can we start Matt? Yeah, I'm good to go. You want to just start up? Come on Peters, have like at least a sip. It's nice when you have at least a sip. Can I leave it with music Matt? Who's this? It's like this music that was called like Cosmic Bachelor music. Are we on right now? Yeah, we're on. Okay. Alright. Cosmic Bachelor? Jesus. What's the style of music? Let me look it up before I open my big mouth. I feel like I'm on vacation in the Philippines or something. We welcome you Mr. American Matt. Yeah, they put a lei on you.

Hey, hey, folks. Here we are. We're doing it. We might be drunk. We're back. Sammy, Fatty, we got the beer Jew. We got Google Bitch Salicus in the house. We're cooking. Google Bitch? That's what we're called now. I hope so. Sorry, dude. He was aiming for Soup Man with that shirt, but you're Google Bitch. No soup for you. We're going Google Bitch.

Oh yeah. Nuggets for you though today? Yes, Salakius was nice enough to bring in some nugs. What a good guy. He knows he's on thin ice, so he's trying to, you know, bring in something. Nugget, please. Oh my God. Denver. I was saying nugget, please. Easy, Rogan. All right. But yeah, we're cooking. I haven't seen you. We haven't done an ep in a while, it feels like. It's been a minute, man. Yeah. How you doing? Good. I'm excited. Listen to this run I got cooking.

La Jolla this weekend. I was just there. You were just there. Beautiful. It's magical over there. Yeah. Shout out to Billy Bonnell, who is a super funny guy, and Alec Perrin, who's very funny as well. I feel like Billy is one of those dudes who's been at it a while, though, and doesn't get his due. So check out Billy Bonnell. There's a great...

little short doc on him and he had a tragic life i don't know billy bonnell he did house party back in the day you know he's the movie no uh fucking oh sorry sorry i forgot oh no you know the one before i did john oliver wow i did house party okay okay um that was back when comedy central had a couple stand-ups on their shows you know back in those days like when mtv played music

We don't have to... At this point, shitting on Comedy Central, it's like shitting on a sink that's already gone down. It's like fucking with a person in a wheelchair. It's literally like we're on the getaway boats in the Titanic and we're just flicking off the boat. No, Billy, there's a doc on him and his upbringing, which is like... You know, spoiler, not too much of a spoiler, but he's had a pretty tragic upbringing and he talks about it and he makes it funny. Good guy. Funny guy. Check out Billy Bonnell. All right. And...

The beach in La Jolla, man. It's one of those clubs you're like, how does this work? The beach is three blocks away. Everybody here is gorgeous. They're tan. They're blonde. They surf all day. They drink all night. They fuck. They do molly. And they're cool. And they're cool. There's no garbage on the street. That's why they're cool. But LA has that, but they're all entitled presidents.

cunts, you know? What is it? Why is it? I guess San Diego, it's like LA minus showbiz. That's what it is. And for some reason that lowers the, although La Jolla is super expensive to live. It is. Yeah. But it's, you minus the showbiz and it's people that are just kind of chill. People living and the weather's perfect and there's a crisp in the air and the sunshine is warm. So yeah, it's just good living out there. It's LA people that don't look over your shoulder while you're having a conversation. That's what La Jolla is. That's what San Diego, San Diego is.

Some of the best Mexican food you'll ever have. Amazing. There's a burrito stand. Taco stand. Taco stand. Yeah, yeah. California burrito. Incredible. French fries in the burrito. Yeah, dude. That's a hangover cure right there. Yeah, a lot of good stuff there. Had a great time.

Eight shows. I was having a blast, man. You write a lot when you're doing that many shows. So what is it? Two Thursday, two Friday, three Saturday? Two Saturday, two Sunday. It wouldn't give me three Saturday. Max me at eight. I would have spent a week there if they let me. Hell yeah. It's a nice little getaway. I can't wait. I'm pretty pumped. Okay, so I do that. Great. It's going to be a great week. I got Zoltan opening. I got Parent hosting. You're going to love him. Then Fly to Utah.

Going skiing with Ari, Shane Gillis, Kreischer, DeRosa, Sean Patton. That's going to be insane. Oh, my God. What are we drinking here? This isn't the Rusty Nail again, is it? No, no, this is not the Rusty Nail again. This is basically a little twist on the classic whiskey sour. Ooh!

different sweeteners in there like saint germain and we're doing a little grain where in the air to give it a little uh cognac punch so it should be nice what's it called you know i didn't come up with the name of it how about the twisty sour hey twist on the whiskey right i like it i like it twisty hey hey bottoms up

Ooh, that's smooth, dude. Whoa, man. Jesus Christ. Why are you doing this to us? I could have ate of these. It's not too sweet. It's still got a kick. I love it. The whiskey riff. The whiskey riff. That's not bad. That's good. Yeah, I like it.

Dude, you know what whiskey sour makes me think of every time is for some reason something about Mary because that's there's that one scene where Matt, Matt Dillon on the, you know, on the water is like, give me a whiskey sour. Oh, yeah, man. He stole that movie for me. You know,

You know, he's like, ah, yeah, you know, that kid's a mongoloid. He's got a four-hand. Mongo? Mongo. He's got a four-hand, like a drive-in movie theater. I love when they go to his office and he shakes his hand, his pants are down. I mean, everything is great. That's one of those movies that we'll show our kids. Oh. And they'll be like, this is problematic. And I'll be like, this is comedy. I know. This is what humor is. This is brilliant. This is like the peak of Farrelly. Dad, you're so cheesy.

You think this is funny? Cheesy. It's gold, I know. That's what people say. These kids, they're going to be watching Paper Bag. There we go, see? This Paper Bag is funny. This is art. No one gets hurt. There's no victim. Shut up. Excuse me, I ordered a whiskey sour. Why did Matt Dillon get more comedies? He's so good. I know, he really is. He's so good. His brother might have ruined it for him with Johnny Drama.

Oh, that's right. Because he was so good in that. He's good too, yeah. But he's the loser. He plays the loser so well. Well, he's not playing a... He's stalking a woman in this movie. I know. He's not a cool guy. He's just a good-looking dude, so you're not thinking... That's the genius of that movie. You don't realize how creepy the plot is because every character is so likable. That's true, yeah. You ever had a white head on your eyeball? Yeah. Remember Harlan Williams in that? He was killer. Oh, he was... And Dumb and Dumber. Oh, man. Pull over. It's a cardigan.

Sipping on grandpa's cup as in, oh man, it's great. Get the hell out of here. Get the hell out of here. Oh, he's great. So good. Six minute abs. Abs. Killer. Oh yeah. Something about Mary I watched recently. It holds up. Oh yeah. Lee Evans, incredible. Lee Evans, he's great in that. You two should be kissing my hairy fucking bean bag. Ha ha ha.

The scene where he just hits him and he breaks the accent. I love her, man. That's fucking great. They show his driver's license. He's got the long hair. He's a total hippie. Oh, it's so good. Classic.

So La Jolla, you got Salt Lake, which is a beautiful place. We're going to Park City. We're doing one night of shows, three shows. It's paying for the whole weekend. We got a huge house with a hot tub. We got ski equipment already taken care of with all these. Do you guys all know how to ski? I'm going to snowboard. Do you know how to snowboard? I do. Yeah.

How do you learn that? I'm not great. Well, I used to skateboard for years, so it's pretty similar, you know? You're standing sideways. It's, you know, I pick it up. I fall the first hour, but then I get it. I'm always scared. That's how people die. Oh, Sonny Bono. That's how Liam Neeson's wife died. Is that right? Yeah, not snowboarding, skiing. Wow. She was taken. Impact. Sonny Bono. You missed marks. Bono, yeah. Yeah. Bobby McFerrin, I think, broke both legs skiing. Wow. Don't worry, be happy. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, skiing will get you. It'll get you. That's something that probably will go away in like 50 years. Skiing? Well, it's literally so dangerous. It's just on the snow, going around trees, hills, slope. I don't know. It just feels so dangerous. Also, there won't be snow. So what are the sleeping quarters like there? All these comics in one house? Yeah, we've got a giant house and there's a bunch of bedrooms. Everyone's got their own room. Yeah. Last time we went, I gave everyone a VD.

We all got in the hot tub naked, drunk, and apparently I had something cooking, and it just seeped out in the hot tub. That's disgusting. Yeah, this guy Ryan O'Neal was there. He almost got divorced because his wife's like, what the fuck? He's like, I swear to God, it's from a dude. She's like, what? It's a whole thing. Yeah, you can get that shit from towels. You can get it from a towel. Don't ask me how I know the towel one. Is that right? Yeah.

Yeah, what a bummer. A towel, yeah, a bunch of roommates. Yeah, we shared a towel. Whoa! Yeah, and I was like, what the hell? And they were like, yeah, I think that's from a towel. Well, which one? How serious are we talking? AIDS? Yeah. I knew it. I have AIDS. But luckily, it's cured by a whiskey riff. Yeah! Alcoholism cures AIDS. You got that right. No, I forgot what it was. It was just some fungal shit. I was like...

or something. But it's, you know, went away quickly. But it was like, man, this is fucking, this is embarrassing. Yeah. I just learned that jock itch and yeast infection are the same thing. Yeah, Hanley's got a bit about it. Oh, he does? Yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. He's got a funny bit about it, how he thought he had it, but he had a yeast infection. Bro.

Yeah. I was boinking a soccer player in college. She was a pretty hot little lady, but she was always, you know, kicking and screaming and, you know, the sunshine, the, you know, it was a swamp downtown. Yeah. And so I'd catch her after a game. She'd be all hot and bothered, you know, we'd go at it and no hands, but, you know, we'd go at it. Handball. Yeah. Yeah.

And I got a jock itch from her. I had it for like eight months. I couldn't get rid of it. Wow. It burned like hell. It itched. It was gross. Jeez. You know how I got rid of it? Hot tub? Yogurt. Yogurt.

Really? There's cultures in yogurt that kill the fungus. So I was eating tubs of yogurt a day. You took some go-gurt, you sprayed some on your nuts. Yeah, it looks like jizz anyway. Yeah, so that was it. Yogurt, you just eat a lot, like Activia, is that the one? Yes, exactly. You need those cultures. Remember the whole Activia ad campaign? Jamie Lee Curtis is just like, do you have diarrhea? She didn't say it, but it was basically like, this is if you have diarrhea.

That was the whole ad. Pretty much. Like, you're old, your bowels are gross, eat this and eat the fiber. She was too hot to be doing a diarrhea ad. I feel like you have to be a little older to be doing it. You have to be at least 70. Yeah, give that to Ellen Barkin or some shit. Give it to Robert Wagner. I remember those ads reached peak sadness when some woman came on and she was like, oh, hey, you're the Activia lady. She was like, I'll take that. She accepted her role. Oh, she said that? Yeah. Yeah.

She doesn't get her due as a hot lady. She doesn't because it was that weird hermaphrodite. Was that real? No, but it was a rumor. Oh, I spread that. When there's a rumor, yeah. I thought it was real. It's not the only thing you spread. Did you spread it in the tub? I'd love to give her a little VD. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, for sure. Yeah, she looked good in Knives Out.

Yeah, not bad. She's older. She's older, yeah. Pretty older woman. There she is. Yeah, but like still, you know, nice looking. I think she was considered a hot lady for sure. I mean, True Lies, Trading Places. Good point. The True Lies scene. Raise your hand if you never masturbated to the True Lies scene. Yeah, that's what I thought. Nah. Touche. That's what I thought. Come closer to the bed. That was hot. That's a good movie. Great movie. Great movie. The only time I enjoyed Tom Arnold. Really? Ah.

Yeah, he's a lot. He is a lot, but he's kind of fun. He's fun. Look at that. She was in that movie Perfect with Travolta. Look at that lady. That is a specimen. I don't know what you were talking about. There's a photo of her out there. That's it with the red and the sunglasses. Pull up that photo with the red. Jesus Christ. The sunglasses. The body's insane. Oh, my Lord. Oh, my Lord.

I mean, imagine walking around like that. Come on. And a dick, too. I'll take it. A few of our listeners just stopped watching to jack off. We lost them. You got that right. They've had a few drinks. They're like, we'll see you guys. We're going to pause. We'll be back later. Also, to have the short hair. I feel like short hair is tough for a lot of ladies. But with her, you don't even notice it. Yeah, name another really hot actress short hair. Mariska Hargitay, for sure. Sure, sure. Natalie Portman for a minute had short hair. She's really pretty. Calvary.

Oh, Barry's another one. Oh, Jesus Christ. This is pre-porn, too. This is all you needed. All right, I got to get out of here. The podcast is over. You guys have been great. We'll see you next week. We didn't even get to Travolta. Where's Travolta? Travolta's not bad either. This is also back when you didn't have to have an ass. Those were good days for white women.

All right, is this what the pod has become? We're like those guys outside of the department store staring at the TV. What the hell is going on? Oh, wow, this was a movie. That's how horny people were. Like, we'll go sell, pay $12 to see that. That's true. Yeah. Damn. I mean, I was looking at, you know, Victoria's Secret catalogs and bra ads back in the day. There he is. Oh, yeah, he had it. And little did we know he's a big gay.

Is he? Oh, what are you kidding? Have you heard the masseuse stories? I heard. Maybe he's bi. We don't know if he's just gay. He's probably bi. He does have kids and a wife. I've heard the masseuse stories. Look at that. He's just shaking it. That's what science told me. That's a weird workout for a guy. I don't know if you have to work your fucking vagina muscle. Right. He's doing Kegels.

John Travolta's got the tightest pussy of any. Yeah, you need a little grease if you're going to get in there. Travolta's a man. Oh, I like him. Even Stefano did. Oh, yeah, he told a story on the day. Yes, great story. Hopefully that one's out by now. Matt's saying yes. Thank you. So you got Salt Lake. What else? So go and ski in for a week. One of the best clubs, too, wise guy. Great club. I'll be there in April with Gary Veeder, and I think it's,

The first playoff game is Saturday, so I'm hoping it's a day game. We're fucking going. If there's a day Utah Jazz game, you know we're going. And the stadium's across the street from the club, basically. I know. Wow, that'll be amazing. That'll be dope. Mm-hmm. I'll root against them because I want Donovan Mitchell to come to New York. Oh, that's...

Oh, there you go. Man, you would beat her. He's like your make-a-wish kid. I love him. You'd take him to games and sold-out clubs. Get him a big lollipop. Yeah, a hat with a propeller and a balloon. Where else are you going? So then, so Tampa, oh, shit. La Jolla, skiing in Utah, and then straight to Tampa for side splitters. Tampa, love it. Love side splitters. No green room. But hey. Ugh.

You're next to like a fucking Xerox machine. I'm like, how do you have a Xerox machine but not a green room? I know, right? What the hell's going on? What year is it? You got a Betamax too? Hopefully Bobby Jewell, will he make an appearance? He'll probably pop in and call me a pussy. So if you're listening, you don't know Bobby Jewell is the legend who used to run Tampa side. Yes.

Exactly what you're picturing. Jewelry, rings, crazy car with a convertible, bad toupee. Charlie Sheen two and a half men shirt. Yes, yes. That weird bowling kind of shirt and some coos on his arm. Shithouse wasted. Rolls up drunk in a convertible Mercedes, gets this close to your face, you can smell his whiskey breath and he'll be like, you fucking pussy. Yeah.

I leave pieces of shit like you in the dirt. Yeah, and you just can't help but laugh. Yeah, he's a man. And then he sits down and tells you stories, and you don't really care, but you listen, and it's fun. Oh, he'll pick you up drunk, blasting Jersey Boys. You're driving the car, swerving all over the road. Big girls don't cry.

Oh, yeah. Then he cooks you a steak in his underwear. It's great. He looks like an out-of-work detective in Miami. Oh, dude. He's classic. I can't wait. I'll be there in June. I can't wait. Yeah, this drink goes down a little too easy. Too easy there. The beer jewel comes through again with the whiskey riff. So good. So, yeah, then I come back to New York. The lady's furious. She's like, you're gone for eight years. You're skiing. You're going to Tampa. You're going to fucking California. But I'm like, hey.

This is the business I've chosen. It's not, though. You went on a mini vacation in between. Good point.

With comedians, I can write it off. Vito's got a joke about how we'll hang out all day so his wife will be pissed. One of the lines is like, we're at a strip club. He's like, honey, I go where the work takes me. It's true, yeah. Well, we got good lives. You got to be 50 stories there from that house. Oh, it's going to be wild. What was the energy like? Oh, when last time? Yeah.

They had a steam room and a hot tub, and so we'd all get naked. This is so homoerotic. We'd get hammered. We're all in a blackout. It's like midnight. We're getting naked, hitting each other with towels, and then we would do a thing where we'd run. This does not sound like a vacation to me. Oh, you're right. We'd ski all day. We'd get drunk, you know, whatever, and then we would get drunk, get in the sauna, and we're all in there like, God damn, we're so hot, and then we'd run into the snow naked and sit in the snow like, ah!

Then we'd run to the hot tub and chug beers and then make out. It was great. It was fun. Skiing, by the way. I don't like it. It's insanely strenuous. I would never want to do it. Yeah, you're just like, ugh, after every muscle is sore. I don't want to ride a bike. Yeah. But nothing like that lodge, though. When you're in that lodge with a beer and you take your gear off and, whew, you have a cup of chili, the view. The view. It's pretty nice. Yeah, that's nice. Good show. Yeah.

Yeah, it'll be fun, man. Yeah. So that, can't wait. Can't wait. Damn. Now, what do you got cooking? I was just in La Jolla's great. Oh, yeah. I'll give you a good rec, by the way. Please. And this is, my rec is to not be cheap because it comes back to get you. I don't love it. Here's what happened to me on my way to La Jolla. Okay. I'm at JFK. Luckily, I'm there a little earlier.

I had like an 8 a.m. flight. Yeah. I know. So I woke up at like 5.55. Then my flight gets delayed an hour. But I'm like, hey, man, I took a muscle relaxer the night before. I got six hours. I'm okay. Okay. I'm up. I'm not going back to sleep. I try, but I can't. So I'm up. I'm there about an hour early.

And I go through security and my roller bag just falls apart. Oh, wow. To the point that I'm on the escalator and I didn't realize it just whips open. It's like brakes in front of me. My electric toothbrush falls out. The head is on the floor. This is just my life. It's in shambles here. AKA vibrator. Let's be honest. Steven, what happened to Steven? Steven.

Why does your toothbrush have a pube on it? I'm like, I'm just holding it up. No!

So, yeah, I'm furious. And I'm just like, what do I do? So I'm lugging it. Like, you know, I'm used to it. I'm holding it like a baby. Right. You know, to a store. I'm like, come on, you guys have a bag. They're like, we only have little ones. And I'm like, well, where's the big ones? And she goes, well, that store's closed. I'm like, closed? It's the airport. Come on. What the hell? What the hell is this junkyard you're running here? So I keep walking around. I find a store that sells bags. They look nice. And I'm like, all right.

What kind of bag? I need a bag. So what can we do? And she goes, they start at $400. And I'm like, you motherless piece of dog. I didn't say that. I was just. Is this to me? No, it was Briggs and Riley. They're quality bags. Sure. And I just go, oh, you got me. You got me. All of you. Did you get a $400 bag?

It gets worse. Oh, no. It starts at 400. Oh, you're killing me. So you best believe that first 400 bag ain't that good. Yeah, of course. It's not fitting all my stuff. And I'm just like, what do I do? And she goes, this is the one for you. And I'm like, yeah, it's the only one that'll work.

It's the only option at that point. I don't have a bag. Uh-oh. I'm nervous. I get a $500 bag. Okay. I will say this. It's a damn good bag. All right. It better be. But I get the bag, and I'm like, you know what? We travel every week. And this is... Look, if I bought a $200 bag instead of a $40 roller bag the first time, I wouldn't be in this mess. Good point. That's why I don't be cheap as my rec, because you save money by going middle of the road rather than high end or low end, right? Right. So I get the bag.

And I'm like, it's a little smaller than my other bag. I can't get my jacket in there. So some lady from the store grabs the jacket. She's like pushing it in. She's like punching it in. I'm like, lady, give it. I just bought this bag. Yeah, right. She's like jerking the fucking thing. I'm like, lady, stop. She's like, I got it. I'm like, stop. And she won't stop. Thank God she's not a gyno. Jesus Christ.

Either way, I screamed rape. But she was going, I was like, stop, stop. And then finally she got it. I was like, all right, thanks. And then we're out of there. And I got to tell you, you realize what this money goes to because I'm pulling the bag. I'm like, this fucking baby glides. Yes. My other bag, I'm like, oh, this is why I probably have shoulder problems because I'm just always jerking it around.

This baby was like, I could fucking jump on this bad boy and just ride the wave. Right. It's incredible. You get what you pay for. You get what you pay for. Well, good for you. And you'll have that thing for 30 years. I hope. It's a lifetime guarantee. Oh, David, tell him that great. Oh, sorry. He had a great joke about the luggage. You tell it. Well, the joke. Yeah. It's like, who's that? Who's that store for? Like, how late do you have to be running? Just grab some stuff. We'll pack when we get there.

Although this is what that store is for. Yeah, there you go. They just wait for some guy's bag to break out there. They prey on desperation. I bet someone in the fucking, you know...

airport security line had a little axe and just fucking broke it so i had yeah big fucking airport conspiracy right here big luggage yeah yeah i had the same thing happen to me not at the airport but uh i got a samsonite bag which you know that's actually something you've heard of exactly samsonite slippy slappy swanson so but i got a thrift store but either way it's a samsonite

It's a good bag? Great bag. It glides. You need a bag that glides because you realize you're like, fuck, why am I... You're jerking it on hills and stuff. Exactly. You're going to fuck your body up. I know. And we don't realize those bags get thrown around in baggage claim. We jam them up in those overheads. You know, you throw them in a car. It's just so much wear and tear. How do professional wrestlers do it? They're traveling every week of the year. They're doing the wrestling. They're flying. And then, like...

Our bodies are fucked up just from traveling. I know. Well, they're on a ton of Percocet and Oxycontin and all that shit, too. Well, so are we. Good point. Do you have any pills, by the way? I'll take them. Really? Well, they help me sleep. I can't sleep. I'm not trying to do the recreation. I've got a great idea. This is my lesson to Mark. You know how you can get some pills? Get some fucking health insurance. Ha ha.

Never! Come on! I'm going to ride this body into the sunset. Mark is going to be the richest comedian who's going to need a GoFundMe when he goes into the hospital. Well, when my bike, my hog got stolen, the cop was like, all right, here, I gave him all the information. He's like, you know, you have no insurance on this thing. I was like, well, let's just find it first, you know? Really? Yeah, yeah.

Good times. Damn. By the way, somebody said they spot it in Chinatown. I'm going to go steal it back. They spotted it? Yeah. How do you know it's yours? Well, they took a photo of it, and it has these two slices on it where I fell over once, and I was like, that's mine, so I'm going back.

I'm going to steal it. Do you think the key's the same? Can you just put the key in it and go? I had the key. They grabbed it and put it in the truck, I assume. So how do you get it? I'm just going to go there with bolt cutters and... But then how do you start it without the key? No, I have the key. Oh, good. I'm saying I took the keys out and it got stolen. They just threw it on a bed of a truck, so I'm going to try to steal it back. How are they riding it? They must have... Ah, they can hotwire shit. They can change it up, yeah. Damn. Oh, they might be the different keys then. You got to heist that shit, dude. I'm going to heist. I might get beat up.

I heard someone threw dog shit at List. Yeah. What the fuck is happening in this city? Kids. You saw the lady get the dog shit in the face? Yep, hold on. In the Bronx? Smushed it in her face and her hair. Crazy. The city's back. It's like the 80s. It's wild out here. Then you go to La Jolla and you're like, this is how people live? And then you come back here and you're like... Even the homeless people look like Hugh Jackman there. I know, exactly. I'm like, you want my money? You look better than I do. What the hell?

Totally. He's like, I need a new surfboard, man. Come on. Come on, man. Don't be stingy. Yeah. Yeah, the lady with the poop in there. It's tough to watch. Why are we watching it? You got to see what we're up against here. Man smears poop on woman in NYC subway station. Sickening video. The New York Post lives for this shit. They do. They have to act like they're outraged, but they're like, a woman got smeared in poop? Let's do it.

I know, they're high-fiving at the office. We cut our front page story. Everyone else is talking about Ukraine. Like, run the poop story. Yeah. Here we go. Okay. Was it on the two train? Oh, that's good. And he comes back for more.

Bag of shit. Damn. Whatever happened to a pie in the face? You know, those were the good old days. The most disgusting part is he wiped back to front. Yeah, he really gave it a wipe down. He doesn't look homeless either. I know. He's got the hat with no brim. Brim's posted. Is it high? Damn, they got a good shot of the guy's face. Oh, they did. Oh, great. What's the penalty for that? I don't know. I don't know. They just let you go. It's got to be assault. I mean, they're letting people go like crazy. Like, what?

willy-nilly they just arrest you and then let you go the same day within hours yeah epidemic here in the city yikes well eric adams says he's cracking down yeah we'll see what happens that's poop on the face would you rather get hit with a hammer or poop on the face pooping face me too but not by a ton yeah it's a good question poop in the face is rough yeah because you shit every day you just think about it every day

Yeah, that smell is going to stay with you. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You got to do a sick day. You're going to be on your deathbed. You're going to remember the poop. It's going to be you and your wife, and then it's going to cut to the poop in the face. You're going to be like, even on my deathbed, I'm going to be reminded. Well, the hammer deathbed could be that day, though. That's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I said I prefer the poop. Yes. Prefer is the wrong word. Oh, man. Crazy.

You ever had that living here? Not that, but anything similar? I was on the train once. I take the train every day. I've never been attacked. But I did have... I remember I was on the train once coming down from the comic strip many years ago. I was on with this comedian, Dan Shacky. Oh, I love Shacky. And this guy is on some sort of drugs and he's fucking with me. When you're on drugs, you just find one person you're going to fuck with. And he...

He's messing with me on the train, and he's just in my face. I'd sit down. He'd sit right next to me and just stand there and fuck with me. Oh, brutal. And Shaki's looking like, what do we do? And I was kind of like, yeah, fuck, what do we do? Yeah. Big guy, could you take him? I think I could...

you don't know because of the drugs so some of the people on those drugs they have like Hulk strength that's true PCP and he is tweaking and you're like well can I take him is the wrong question like who has more to lose is the question and it's you know so he sits and I'm like alright like this guy's like rubbing up against me fucking with me I'm like alright let's move so we move he does he moves with me right next to me again and I'm just like it's like stops go by and Shaki you know is going to a story and I'm going to Brooklyn so uh

He's...

he's like, I got to get off at 59th. He kind of gives me a look like, are you going to be okay? And I kind of am like, no. Yeah. And then he gets off at 59th and we're going down and the guy keeps fucking with me. Jesus. And I keep moving. He keeps moving too. And finally at my stop in my head, I'm like, if he gets off at my stop at 14th, I was going to transfer. I was like, if he gets off where I get off, I'm going to say something and I have to, or he's going to follow me home. Yep. So,

I'm trying to like play it cool and just kind of act like nothing's wrong because he's clearly tweaked out. I get off. He follows me. And as he's following me off the door, I go, I go back the fuck off. And he goes, ah, and he falls back on the train. The door shut. I was like, whoa. I was like, thank fucking God. And that's how you met Joe Mack?

Wow. Yeah, I was like, God damn it. Good for you, though. It worked. Because I was like, this dude is tweaked. Yeah, yeah. Wow, I think maybe he just wanted a friend in a weird way. No, he was... Was he going to be violent, you think? He was fucking with me. Yeah. I mean, I don't think Shaggy would have been like, what the hell, either, if... Right. This is unbelievable. You see this shit on the train all the time. I mean, usually you just avoid it, but...

You just know when there's a crazy person. Right? As a New Yorker, you just know to just avoid, avoid, avoid. Like, I remember I was on the train with Steve Fabricant from the cellar that one of the door guys there late night. And there's like a crazy guy fucking with everyone. Steve is just like zinging him. And I'm like, wow, you want to have a, you want to like have a good,

burn on the crazy guy. I know, right? I was like, this is not what New Yorkers do. We avoid. Yes, head down. You don't poke the bear, dude. No, no eye contact. Yeah. One time I had a zing in my old neighborhood in New Orleans, and it was like a bunch of black guys hanging out, and they were all in school uniforms, and I was, I don't know, 11, 12, 15.

So they were all whatever, and then I had a zing, and we're all on the sidewalk, and the school just got out, and it was pretty much an all-black school. And they got me in this circle, and they're pushing me, and I'm bouncing around the circle like a pinball, and they're all laughing and pushing me. And they're like, what a pussy, what a bitch, yeah, you white bitch. And I was like, God, I was so embarrassed, and I took a swing, and I missed. I just got like an air ball, and they were like, ah! Ah!

And I was such a bitch. That might have saved you. It saved me. They were like, get out of here, you fucking idiot. And they kicked me in the ass on the way out. You had heart. It was pretty traumatizing, though. You know, you walk home, you're like, I should have done this. I should have jump kicked the guy and headlocked him and kung fu'd him. Then they grabbed another white guy. They're like, let's go for the high score. Bounce him around. Yeah, it was like pong. I couldn't get away. But yeah, pretty embarrassing. So it's good you didn't do anything. You know not to poke the crazy person ever. Yeah. But...

This is unreal. This guy has balls of steel. Look at this guy. Planted feet, not going anywhere. Eye contact.

And he's handling it like he should handle it. You proud of that?

I would have said to him, "You should not have done that." Yeah. That's not nice. Right. There is a bit of a payoff here. It's kind of funny. You want me to fast forward? Yeah. It's funny. This is two and a half minutes. This guy probably thought this was three hours. Okay, here it is. So he says, "I'm gonna fuck you right here," is what the guy said. I'm gonna fuck you? Yeah, yeah. So the guy says, "You're not fucking me," and then this is where it gets good. Are you trying to threaten him?

Thanks, lady. Yes, he is. Thank you. Thank you, lady. Way to chime in. I'm telling you, you ain't fucking nobody with me standing right here. That's what's happening. This guy is secretly ripped. You can see he's ripped under the button down. Yeah. He's huge. He also has, like, heavy corrections officer energy. Yes. Yes. Yes.

This guy probably grew up in Bensonhurst or some shit. You know, he's seen it all. He's not scared of this guy. You might masturbate the fuck off. Oh, there it was. Oh, I missed it. Sorry. I stepped on it. You might masturbate. You ain't fucking nobody. You might masturbate the fuck off, but you ain't fucking nobody. I love how he's compromising. Go jerk off on the train. That's checkmate. Checkmate. You can be gay.

Hey, look at this guy. Open-minded, inclusive. He said I'm gay then. He said I'm a gangster? Yeah, he's a gay gangster. But what else? That's it? That's pretty much it, yeah. He just walks away eventually. Damn. Pretty awesome. Yeah, you can't show weakness in that situation. Yeah. No. That's the only thing. You have to fake it. You have to fake it. Even if you're scared, you have to fake it. But that dude did look big.

Bigger than us. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. He was big. Good for him. That guy. I hope he gets laid off that. You're the tell-off, the crazy homeless guy guy. Like, yes, I am. Yeah. But he wasn't violent. I mean, obviously, he was down to throw. But he wasn't violent. He liked the gays. He wasn't like, I'm going to kill you. He was just like, hey, hey, you're not fucking anybody. I lost my hair at 25. You don't think I'll lose my temper? Yeah.

We should have that guy on. I want him on. That guy's awesome. Should we try one of these donuts? Oh, baby. Where are they from? Donut Project. Right on McDougal Street. It's an everything donut. Buckle up. Uh-oh. It's like the Pulp Fiction briefcase. Whoa. Is that cream cheese? It's everything. Damn. Take one. I want some candy smoked salmon.

Oh, God. Like a Swedish fish? Yeah. Holy cow, you can hear that thing breaking apart. Oh, you want a piece? Come on, you're looking thin. I'll tell you. It's like my family. Beer Jew? All right, get your fat ass over here. Yeah, that's insane. That's amazing. Take that piece. Thank you.

You throw everything, seasoning on anything. You're not going to do it? Why not? I put it on fish. It's great. I'm a little nervous. Live a little. Take a fucking chance. I've got a cocktail in front of you. Oh, here. You want a whole one? Just throw me a small piece. All right. It's funny that it's like a donut. I love it. The problem with everything is it's like confetti. It goes everywhere. I'm like Rip Taylor over here. Oh, man. This is good. Very good. Cream cheese frosting, incredibly underrated, too. Good call.

Oh, that's a smear. Smear? Smear. Yeah. Mmm. Got nuts in it. Love it. Oh, yeah. That's what the viewers want, for us to be sucking our fingers mid-podcast. We just lost everybody. You want me to roll a peachy? Mmm. There you go. Take a pull. Pass it around. Mmm.

Oh, that's living, huh? Good teacher really seems to care. All right. That's a great donut. All right. Did you do a wreck? Yeah, I did. I got a couple, but that's a good one. No, that's really my main wreck. What do you got? That's a good one. Going out back to our roots. We've been wrecking some weird shit all over the road. Mulaney.

Monologue on SNL. I gotta watch it. Masterful. Incredible. One of the best. One of the best. Sadly, he's like my age. He might be younger than me. It's a bummer. But what are you gonna do? He's a great comic. I'm sure he hates me. I have no idea. But... I don't think he hates you. I assume everybody hates me. But...

We're not going to watch it now. We can listen to it a minute. No, SNL will kick our ass. They'll kill us. Is this audio? No, no, no. No, no, no. We'll do it on Patreon. Yeah, but it's like personal. It ties up at the end. He talks about his drug overdose. Or his drug abuse. He talks about his new kid. He's a pro.

Comes to rack around. It's all clean. It's all great. Not a lot of young guys are as smooth as Mulaney. A lot of them, it's like, you know, it's a mess. Yes. And he really takes pride in, you know, almost like a Carlin-esque, you know, type of writing. Definitely. You know, there's so much thought into the writing. So much thought. It's packaged perfectly. It's all tight and ties up perfectly. Good ending. Really, really incredible. And then Earthquake has a new...

Netflix It's great I hear It's great It's just classic Old school comedy The guy's a fucking vet He's been doing the The circuit forever He had his own club In Atlanta apparently And I messaged him And he wrote back What'd he say? I just said Dude this special's incredible I'm a fan And he wrote back That means the world to me Thank you And I shared it Wow Did you catch him on Rogan? I did What'd you think?

Great. Good, good. It's a little long. It's three hours, but Peter said... Isn't that all of Rogan's episodes? Yeah, but I feel like I got it in two hours. But yeah, great, great guys. He's like us. He's like, fuck the industry. I hate the industry. They wouldn't give me a special until Chappelle produced it. That's what it takes. Blah, blah, blah. I mean, the guy's a fucking murderer. He would kill for...

For everybody, like just all over the place. And Beast, yeah, just a pro. Yeah, I've heard nothing but good things. It's hard for me to watch stand-up these days. I feel like, you know, I don't want to...

hear a bit that I maybe was working on a bit on and you know it's now I can't touch a whole topic I feel you know I watch it but uh I should watch it it's fun good to watch stand-up and it's so different than than you or me sure and you're right those are the people you want to watch the ones you're like I'm nothing like exactly like a family comic talking about his kids I'm like that's what I should watch I'll watch like Tom Papa seriously because we're so different you know he has a special can you google this it's called like

I'm telling you again. I'm telling you for the last time. Or you don't know shit. Something like that. That's Seinfeld. Yeah, you're right. You're right. But it's something... It's one of his old... Very similar comics. It's older, yeah. But it's incredibly good. It's like the premises... He has this one premise about like...

Martin Luther King died and his wife had to remarry. He's like, how the fuck do you fill those shoes? Also, every street you go down is called Martin Luther King. Your kids are in school named Martin Luther King. It's just everywhere. Like you'll never live up to that. And he's like, who's the guy fucking Jordan's ex-wife? You're wearing his shoes. You're wearing his jersey. You're going to the game. Oh, it's amazing. He's got great premises. He has good takes that he doesn't get his due for. Well, good for him, man. Oh, yeah. It's a tough biz. Yes. Yes. He's a pro.

Give me the name of that. About Goddamn Time? That's it. About Goddamn Time. It's funny you could tell how angry comics are with a special. That's so true. Where the fuck you been my whole life? What the fuck you waiting for? You motherfuckers better watch this. I remember Robert Schimmel had an album title called If You Buy This CD I Can Get This Car.

Marin had a couple of those too, like Tickets Still Available, The Front Row's Empty, or whatever the fuck. I can't remember, but yeah, Marin had a few. The bitterness is oozing out of us. Of all of us. Yeah. Amazing.

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It's a common thread with us comics. For sure. I was going to eat that. Oh, sorry. Speaking of front row empty, I just read a story about Billy Joel. He leaves the first three rows empty every night. Why? Because he's sick of industry people paying all the money and just sitting there with their hands folded. So he goes to the back row and invites them up to the first row. I love that. So they're the happiest people in the room. I love it. What a great guy.

What a pro. I mean, that comes from having 8 million garden shows and just learning the lay of the land. This is like 30 straight nights at the garden or something, and you're like, oh, my God. I know. It's cool. I was in Brooklyn today. Elton John, I looked up at the big Barclays thing. He's there tonight, sold out. Wow. It's nice to see these guys are still banging it out and people still coming.

Because I think a lot of people go, when am I going to see Elton John again? Who knows? The Elton John movie's pretty cool. I loved it. Yeah. I mean, how hard is it to make a movie about a guy where you're like, well, I mean, every song's going to be a banger. Yeah. You know? Yeah, what was the other one? The Queen movie. Oh, well,

Yeah, Bohemian Rhapsody. Bohemian Rhapsody, yeah. The guy... He was at the Cellar one night. Really? Yeah, he was cool. What's his name? Rami Malek. That's it. He went to college with Dan St. Germain. What? Yeah, so he was there just hanging. And he came up to me after my set, because he's just there. And this is what really famous...

talented people do. They're just like, congrats on all your success. And I'm just like, you just won the Oscar, dude. I'm like, come on. You're really fishing for a compliment there, wasn't you? Congrats on all your success. I'm just like, if I'm successful, what are you, fucking God? What the hell just happened? He played a movie where he got AIDS. You're like, I got that from a towel.

No, he's like a real nice guy. Do you ever see any other celebs at the Cellar? Oh, we just got a text from List the other day. Joe List was like, I'm at the Cellar. It's Mulaney, Olivia Munn, Conan O'Brien, Chris Rock, and Nick Cannon. We're like, ah, that's fun. Nick Cannon's a real drop ball. That really petered out. That's true. It's a big cannonball. Well, Conan was on SNL, so it's probably supporting...

He was on the show on Saturday. Exactly. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's cool. Yeah. Mulaney, did you see he posted a photo? I'm obsessed with Mulaney, but he posted a photo about, it was him, Tom Hanks, Conan, Tina Fey, I can't remember who else, but it was like these legends, and I'm like, man, look at who. That's fun. I'm hanging out with you schlubs. He's over there, you know, at these big,

they were all wearing robes and the lighting and yeah, it must be nice. I, I was bored on a flight. It was like a day of the, uh, Russian invasion. Oh yeah. And I was bored in a flight and I just, it's, it's some, Caroline's tweeted Nick Cannon dropped in and I wrote something like, how much bad news can we get in one day? Uh,

And Nick Cannon follows me an hour later. I'm like, oh, shit. I'm like, crap. That's all he can do because he's on The Masked Singer. So he can't just DM me, you piece of shit. He has to just be like, I saw it.

That's great. When you have that much, you know he wants to just DM me, Jew boy. That's true. That's what he wants to write. Anti-Semite. Yeah. By the way, not to get nutty here, but I heard a lot of stuff like, oh, if Rogan said Jew slurs, he wouldn't be working. I'm like, I don't know. I think the N word is worse.

I think there's definitely a bigger price to pay. Nick Cannon has his own show. He's doing fine. Yeah. He did get fired. I heard he tried to sue Viacom for the rights to Wild and Out for like $1.5 billion, which I'm like, you think that show is worth more than Seinfeld? And also, if you're going to get litigious...

Who are you going to want on your side? Let's be honest. Can we do one more of these? I know. I'm dying. I was too scared to ask. I'm eating nuggets. I'm eating donuts. I'm drinking. I mean, this is not a healthy afternoon. No, no. Although, is it ever? We're on the road. We're not healthy. Then we come back and this is our fucking life. You got that right. You guys, I hope the listeners appreciate that we're going to die at 60. For you guys.

We got to get Bert Kreischer on here just so we have his last record. We got to do news, too. Oh, let's do some news stories. Sure. Hell yeah. Pull them up. Let's see. Pull them up, baby.

It's going to be hard to beat last week's Victoria's Secret model and whatnot. Okay, here we go. Here we go. Who's reading? First condoms approved for anal sex come in 54 different sizes. Yikes, that's a lot of sizes. One for each gender. Did you know there were more than two sizes black and everybody else? These jokes? Anal sex condoms?

Measuring kit printed if you would like to know. Does that mean you're at the store and you're like, can I get some condoms? And they're like, no, no, no, butt condoms. Is that what you're doing? I guess, yeah. At CVS they're selling these? They probably have to be stronger because the anal is, you know, it's a different thing. Now how does this work? Do I put this up my ass or what is this? What's going on here? Peter's actually printed out this shit. That's why he's the king. Who's making it to G?

I think beer Jew might hit me. You gotta be doing all right downtown, huh? I'm proportional. Oh, that's pretty good. That's a fucking brag. What are you, 6'11"? Man, that's gotta be nice. That's, uh...

But condom. I've never had anal sex, honestly. What? I don't like it. I've tried. I'm like, I'm not into it. They don't seem like they're going to like it. They seem like it's going to hurt. You know what it is? It's like I know the vagina is going to be good. It's kind of like, am I going to just watch The Sopranos again? Or do I need to watch a new show that I know is going to be a mess? It's a good point. Wow. Right? Yeah, some shitty show. That she's not going to like. That's a good point. Look, anal's not that bad. It hurts for an hour. Oh, Mark.

Wait a minute. Matt, you've got your clip. Find your width. Wrap the measuring tool gently around the middle of your erection. All right. By the way, Mark saw this before, and he goes, what do we do? I'm like, we're not whipping it out. Oh, okay. That's just for the Patreon. That's for the Patreon. You've got to pay. If I get hard, though, I'm fucking that donut. You're going to give it everything but semen. Yeah.

Not till I'm done with it. This is hilarious. Okay, so you put this at the base...

I'd say I'm probably at maybe the D or Z, but you're all girth. I'm girthy. And no length. I'm all length and no girth. I've got some length, but I'm girthier. I was hoping you had no length. No, no, I got length, but I'm girthy. I'm a girthy man. Ron White has a hilarious joke about him, his stick being girthy and not long, and he goes, it's more like a cheese wheel. Oh, my God.

That's amazing. I may not hit the bottom, but I will stretch the sides. Oh, wow. With a cigar. That's a great, that's a great bit. This is so funny, like how just official this is. Yeah. Women are so nice because I heard a guy be like, I was like, are you packing? He's like, I've never gotten any complaints. I'm like, well, what woman is going to be like, hold on, I got a few complaints here. I've never even gotten complaints. Let me fill out the comment card. Like you're going to whip it out and a woman's like, oh, I know. They're nice.

one star. Yeah, yeah, exactly. All right, I don't know, this is a lot of work here. Without whipping it out, I can't tell what's what. My lady was like...

We got drunk one night when we first started dating. She was like, I love fucking. I feel like our parts match. She was like, my last boyfriend, his dick was too wide. And I was like, all right, I got to get out of here. It's kind of nice to hear because you're like, okay, you don't like a wide dick. I don't have a wide dick. But also like, ah. I prefer to watch movies at home. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. I have a deeper vagina. What's that? I have a deeper vagina. That's what she's telling you. That's what she's telling me. And women, vagina sizes vary. We talk about dick size all day, size, queen, this and that, but the vagina is a different thing on every lady. It is. It is.

Have you ever had, because I'm not big. I wouldn't say I'm small, but I'm not big. But I've had girls like, whoa, whoa, easy, slow down, hold on. It feels good to hear that. It feels great to hear that. But I'm like, what do you do with a guy packing heat? I think they avoid them. Uh-huh.

But how do you avoid? I don't know. Cause you see girls on dating, you see girls on like dating apps and you're like, don't, if you're like under eight inches, don't even apply. And then the, but like, you never see women like small dicks only. That's true. Exactly. You never see that shit. Like, I don't know if I'm supposed to say this, but Schumer would always be like, I hate a big dick. They hurt. They're not fun. Like it's for men mostly.

Is it? I mean, I feel like it's mostly to be like, hey, guys, you tell your guy friends. Women, I feel like, care a lot. I mean, some women, I think, want it. Some women care. But I think, for the most part, it's like dudes. Okay. Because you hear these 8-inch girls on the internet, and you're like, oh, shit, that's how all women are. Yeah. You know? I don't think so. All right. All right. I mean, I could be wrong. We might be getting torn apart in the comments right now. Like an 8-inch dick would tear you apart, ladies. Ha ha ha.

Exactly. Wait, what's another news story? Michelangelo, that's a tiny difference. But he had a good body. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. They made up for it. It's like he knew, right? He's like, I better hit the gym. It does suck. Women have to see it. They don't only see it until it comes out. They have no real idea. I mean, I remember the old Attell joke. He's like, the first time you wanted to be magical, you know, when you press it up against the bus window. Oh, my God.

Fucking Natal the greatest. Bus window is so much better than, you know, department store window. Sean Patton has a funny joke where he's like, you can kind of tell a guy's dick by how the guy is shaped. If a guy's short and fat, he's probably got a short, wide dick. If he's tall and thin, he's got a long, skinny dick. But every now and then you meet a guy who walks like this.

That's the curvy dick. That's great. That's a funny patent bit. All right, what do you got on the next one? Sal, you want to read that? Yeah, Sal, you read it. French modeling agent accused of recruiting young girls for Jeffrey Epstein's sex trafficking ring was found dead by hanging in a cell. Interesting. We got a pattern here. Hmm.

His name is Jean-Luc Brunel, 75. He had been under investigation for the rape and sex trafficking of minors. He's being held at some so-and-so prison following his arrest in 2020. So he suicided himself, or he was suicided. Yeah. Right. So... Jean-Luc Brunel.

It makes you think of Jean-Luc Picard from Star Trek, although this guy was also in The Next Generation. The younger generation. Deep Space Nine-Year-Olds. Hey! Everybody drink. There it is. That's a keeper. You're all right. You're all right. Put that online. Yeah, this guy. Deep Space Nine-Year-Olds. The Bully Go or No One Has Run Before. Because of the hymen. He definitely, I mean, do you think, I mean...

People are always like into the conspiracy were like, of course he was murdered. But also it's like this is probably when you want to punch your ticket. Right. You're 75. Right. This is probably a low point. Yes. It's believable that this is suicide is all I'm saying. Right. Right. Right. Definitely. Yeah. You're in prison at 75. But why can't we just go? The guy killed himself. Oh, because of Epstein.

Because of Epstein ties, right? Isn't that the skepticism? So wouldn't Ghislaine have killed herself too or had been murdered too? Well, maybe they're spacing it out if they're really doing it. Not to get too conspiracy theory. Well, if they left her around too long, she would have sung. I mean, if she wanted to sing, she would have sung by now. I think she's safe. It's funny that we use the word to sing. It's like singing is nice, but it's also, I guess, to describe people who are on Epstein's island. Yeah, yeah. The mafia always said he sang like a canary. Yeah.

Do you want to sing? Yeah. That'd be funny if American Idol was just people confessing. You know, the whole show. Simon's like, you're terrible. I was never on that island. Right, right. Bye.

By the way, when I went to St. Thomas, we took a boat, like a catamaran around, and we saw Epstein's Island. No way. Pretty cool. Yeah. Had the helipad. Pretty cool. It was beautiful. I'll tell you this, though. The lady was doing the tour, and she's like, this is whatever that was taken over by Columbus in 1401, whatever. This is Epstein Island. Everybody went to the edge of the boat like, whoa, picture, picture. It was the highlight of the trip. Damn. Yeah. But you just picture everybody getting off. Well, that's what it was.

Well, they got off. Yeah, yeah. You know, they had a little dock. It was beautiful. Like, big homes, and it was pretty. Like, boats everywhere. And he bought the island next door so he didn't have neighbors. I mean, the guy was always... He liked his privacy. Yeah. Yeah. You know that guy's packing money where it's like...

buying the apartment next door. Right. He's like, go get the whole island. Fuck it. I don't want to. So I said, hey, how much does an island go for? And she went, when he bought it, it was eight mil. I was like, eight mil? That's nothing. It's like Steinbrenner buying the Yankees for when he bought them. Exactly. Eight mil? New York apartments are 14 mil in the village. But it's just a piece of dirt. Wow. It doesn't have plumbing. It doesn't have electricity. Oh, he had plumbing. He had all that. Yeah. No, I'm talking about the one he bought. When you buy it,

It's just a piece of dirt. Right, right, right. But I think it was habitated. 8 mil. Yeah, but that's nothing to him. Pocket change. Crazy. But yeah, look at that. Okay, 94th Academy Awards, the Oscars, are on right now. The episode airs. Oh, whoops. The ballots are printed out. Make your selections and discuss the nominees. Oh, we have it? Okay. Okay.

By the way, I see. God, Peters, you're a fucking... You're a mensch. You're incredible. All right. So we start with actor in a leading role. By the way, can I say this real quick? It really bugs me. I think they cut... I don't know if it's editing, but it's definitely... Hair and makeup, editing, sound engineer. Sound... Not sound engineer. Score. Sound score, yeah. What? I love score. Dude, score is like...

Okay, I know a lot of you listening know who, like, Hans Zimmer, Danny Elfman, all these amazing... John Williams. John Williams. Like, music is such an important part of movies. Totally. How about editing? It is movie making. Editing is huge. Editing is huge. It's just complete disrespect. I think they just want to see celebrity faces, and that's it. They're like, cut out the bullshit. Aren't we done with celebrities? No, that's... I think what they think is all... Like, that's who we're tuning in for. Hmm.

I mean, complete disrespect. Completely. It's about the art of the movie making, about filmmaking. And then we're just, oh, oh, Jennifer Lawrence is there. Who gives a fuck? All right. What do we got? All right. I haven't seen all these, but actor in a leading role is Javier Bardem for being the Ricardos, Benedict Cumberbatch, The Power of the Dog. That was great. Yeah, he's amazing. Although, did you hear Sam Elliott talking some shit? No. He said it's, he called it a piece of shit on Marin's podcast.

And was like, who is she to make this movie in New Zealand? What does she know about ranches? And you're like, maybe he watches that shit the way doctors watch ER. Because he really is. I don't know what the problem is. But also, yeah, you're allowed to make shit that you haven't experienced. Of course. That's what movies are like. Yeah. Star Trek, Lord of the Rings, it's all made up. What do you know about space? You weren't an astronaut. I know I'm a fucking director. I know.

That's crazy. It's crazy. Get out of here, Sam Elliott. But I bet he sounds cool when he shits on you. Oh, yeah. He's got that great voice. What do you know about movie making? He's so chill and Lebowski. Why couldn't he be more like that? I know, right? Andrew Garfield, Tick, Tick, Boom, Will Smith, King Richard, Denzel, Macbeth. All right. So I've seen them all except for King Richard. I turned off being the regardos because it was a fucking turd. Really? Yeah. I heard it wasn't funny at all. It's like...

I love Nicole Kidman. She's gorgeous, but she's had a lot of work done, and you're playing the most expressive comic actress of all time. That's a good point. On top of that, I mean, she's an amazing actress, but then you got fucking...

This woke nonsense that Aaron Sorkin has to push in. There's a scene where one of the writers for the show tells the showrunner basically to shut up. And I'm like, yeah, I bet a woman writer in the 50s did that to a male showrunner. I know. Keep it realistic. That's all I'm saying. That's great. If you want to make a show like that now, sure. But if you're trying to make this believable. And I know Marvelous Mrs. Maisels is a great show. I've watched a couple episodes. It's very good. But I watch a trailer and she does like a fucking mic drop.

I was like, this isn't something people in the 50s did. No, I hate that. Mic drop? Yeah, stop adding modern shit in. Yeah. So who do you go with, guys, for actor? Are we doing all these? We don't have to do all of them. Let's just do the top three. Let's just leave out the ones we just made fun of. All right, who do you got for actor? Shit, this is tough. Hard not to go Denzel, man. Well, yeah, yeah.

Also, I like Andrew Garfield's amazing. Tick, tick, boom. He is incredible in that. Was he? Yeah, it's hard. He's kind of like one of those chosen Hollywood guys where he just gets those meaty parts and he's so good. Yeah. Does Denzel have a, he has one for training day.

Yeah, but he's Denzel. I know, but I feel like if you have one already, you have a less likely chance of getting another. That's true. Yeah, I mean, it could be Cumberbatch. I mean, did Will Smith ever win one? I don't think so. I think he went for Ali. What? Or one for Best Picture, one of the two. I think he won like a Golden Globe. Ali fucking sucked. Yeah, it wasn't great. He was good, but the movie sucked. So I'm going to break this down. So I think...

There is a black vote. This is a constituency of black people in the academy. And their vote will be split between Will Smith and Denzel Washington. They'll be hard to choose. So I'm going to go with Andrew Garfield for the gay vote, even though he's not gay. It's sort of a gayish... And he's a cute boy. He's amazing. He's amazing. Yeah, I watched a little bit of it. It's very good. It's good, dude. So I'm going to pick Andrew Garfield as the actor. All right. I like that thinking. It's possible. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. The only issue, now that I say Denzel, the only issue is that, like...

Who the fuck? I wonder how many of them even watch Macbeth. Exactly. But you get some cool guy points for watching Macbeth. You do. Yeah, you know, like I'm like feeling. I felt pretty good about myself after I walked out of there. Exactly. I was like, yeah, I saw a Shakespearean movie in 2022. I was bored out of my mind, but I watched it. It was very dense, but there was some violence. I only TikTok for an hour through it. So who are you going? I haven't seen, I've only seen about half of these, but I'm going to go with...

I'm going Cumber. He's good. All right. Supporting, we got Claren Hines from Belfast, which I'm dying to see. I hear he's great. Trey Katzer, Koda. Troy. Troy.

Oh, Troy. Sorry, Troy. Jesse Plemons, Power of the Dog, J.K. Simmons being the Ricardos. Cody Smith-McPhee, Power of the Dog. He's great. Who's that? He's the young, skinny guy. Oh, the kid. The son. Okay, yeah, he was good. He is great in that. He's got a shot. Okay, I want to tell you why I'm an idiot. In 2002, Will Smith went up against Denzel Washington.

Will Smith for Ali and Denzel Washington for Training Day and Denzel won. Yeah. So the Blackfoot thing is probably not smart. Okay. But that's a different time. That's true. That's 20 years ago. Well, also, I mean, Training Day is a way better movie than Ali. I agree. It's just way better.

And also Denzel was one of those, like, we owe you one type things. Yes, exactly. Because he should have won for the Hurricane, but he lost. I think he won for Glory as Best Supporting. Supporting is different, though. So he has two. He has two. But it's like, you know, Pacino, they gave him that scent of a woman Oscar where it's like, all right. This is fucking, exactly, Scorsese. It's like...

Not his best, but we owe you one. Which I hate how they do that. Because you're like, it should be the movie. Revenant's not Leo's best performance. Exactly. Wolf of Wall Street is awesome in that movie. Amazing. But there are make-up calls in basketball. Like, oh, we should have called that. And now we're going to give it to you on the back end in the last two minutes. Interesting. He's right. Interesting. It's part of the game. It'd be nice if girlfriends did that. You know, like I steamrolled you on all those arguments, but...

I owe you one. Here's a blowy. Yeah, you're like, all right. You fucked that girl in Palm Springs. I owe you one. I say it the other way. Hey, honey, you fucked up the other day. How about a blowy? There you go. All right. Blowy sounds nicer. Actress in the leading role, Jessica Chastain. I haven't even heard of this movie. The eyes of Tammy Faye. She is hot. Dude, that movie, that Sorkin movie, she's hot as hell. Yeah.

Olivia Colman, The Last Daughter. I love her. I never saw that. Penelope Cruz, Parallel Mothers. It's amazing. Parallel Mothers, Penelope Cruz is supposed to be great. I think that's Almodovar. Nicole Kidman being the Ricardo's, Kristen Stewart's, Spencer. I got no idea for this one. They're all great. Yeah, they're all great actors, right? Who knows about the movie? Yeah. You only saw Nicole, right? You saw Daughter. I don't know about this one.

I'm going to go Chastain because she's playing Tammy Faye, and they always love when they do a biopic and they get real crazy. So I'm going Jessica. You just want to bang Chastain. Sure, sure. But, I mean, I wouldn't mind banging Cruise and Stewart either. But I'm just saying, I'm going Tammy Faye. Actress in a supporting role. Sorry, Salke's, what do you got?

That's a toss-up. I don't know. Yeah, I don't even know. Supporting role? Yeah, I haven't seen it. I mean, and now I'm feeling at the point where I haven't seen these. I mean, are we giving up? Yeah. Did we just do the two male categories? Probably Kirsten Dunst. I haven't seen the others. Dunst? She's great in Power of the Dog. Oh, is she on there? Yeah. Oh, you're talking about supporting. Sorry. I don't know about any of these. Yeah, I heard King Richard's amazing. I haven't seen it. I want to see it. It was fun.

Judi Dench, though, is a dame. Yeah. Out of respect. You know what's a good flick with her? Have you ever seen Notes on a Scandal? No. Cate Blanchett, super hot in that movie. Notes on a Scandal, though. About a teacher who fucks her student. It's pretty good. You know what's hot is...

Oh, is it till the... Are we going to call this episode Mark would bang Judy Den? Is that the name of this? I would knight her with my dick. Sure, why not?

I can hear some stories about summer stock and Shakespeare in the park. Let's move up to best picture. All right. Because, I mean, we're just... Should we do... I mean, we don't have time to do all this shit. No, this is 18 categories here. This is longer than the fucking actual Oscars. All right, best picture. Belfast, Coda, Don't Look Up, Drive My Car, which I hear is great. Haven't seen that. Dune...

Hated that. Hated, dude. But that's not my cup. Fucking turd. There's someone said you're not into sci-fi. No, I'm not into boring ass fucking movies. Right. King Richard, Licorice Pizza, Nightmare Alley, Power of the Dog, West Side Story, which I also heard was good. So many. It used to be five. Well, there's too many movies now. They do 10. Ah, okay.

I'm going to go best picture, Belfast. It's artsy-fartsy. Have you seen it? No. I'm just going off of that. All right. Power of the Dog is a female director, and it was good, too, so that's got a shot.

That might win director. That's true. West Side Story's been done already. They should make Sam Elliott have to present it. West Side Story won Best Picture when it came out originally. Everyone says it's incredible. I want to see it, actually. It bombed at the box office, but it looks... There was one, like a two-minute frame they played of it, and I was like, this is insanely well done. Spielberg is a genius. He's great.

But I didn't see Licorice Pizza. I didn't see PTA. Yeah, do you like it? I didn't see it, but loved it. You loved it. I heard mixed. Mixed, too. That's what I heard, too.

I would like to see Drive My Car. Yeah. There's a short story it's based on by Murakami. It's incredible. Oh, yeah? It's very, very good. And I heard Nightmare Alley's cool. It's cool. You saw it? Yeah, it's cool. All right. It's dark and gloomy, and the cast is good, and Cate Blanchett is fucking hot. She is hot. Okay. It's good. I'm going Belfast.

Yeah, I could see that or Power of the Dog. They always go something R.C. Fartsy. Yeah. It's going to be one of those. You don't think it's Don't Look Up? Because people like Don't Look Up. Too divisive. I didn't love it. Yeah, you lose the Republican vote. Is that a big vote at the Oscars? Those two guys? Is anyone winning the awards and going, hey, I think January 6th was cool? What a...

Is anyone going, I think women should not be allowed to get an abortion. No.

That's my acceptance speech. That's where you get an abortion in Texas, Nightmare Alley. What else we got? But wait a minute. Okay, okay. Yeah. Yeah, all right. I'm saying Belfast. You're saying Power of the Dog or Belfast. I'll say Power of the Dog just to mix it up. I like Power of the Dog. I thought it was good. I loved it. Cues? I'll say King Richard. Not a good movie year, though, still. Not really. Nothing exciting. Nothing exciting.

A lot of people were mad that Spider-Man wasn't nominated. People loved that movie, the new one. Oh, with Tom Holland? It's all three of them. Oh, I didn't see it. People fucking loved that movie, dude. People love it. You know what's going to be crazy in like two years? I bet...

These Marvel movies will be in the Oscars just to get views up. Ooh, yeah. That's a theory. It's a theory. Call it right now. You get Tom Holland to post an Instagram story, their viewers shoot right the fuck up. Exactly. We have the control now. Not us, but them. What is CODA? C-O-D-A? Isn't it musical? Uh-oh. Peters posted a story here I'm kind of interested in. Who did? Your producer, Matt Peters. Uh-oh.

Smallest apartment in New York City. He says it's 60 square feet. Oh, I love this guy. This guy's 6'4". Go ahead. Shoot ahead. Because I watched the beginning of this and it takes forever. Because he's looking at other apartments. Yeah, it's 60 feet. I don't know the neighborhood, but it's 60 feet. Wow. And it's like...

You know what, though? And if you're there with a girlfriend, it's negative 30 feet. It just kills you. Right. What do you think this would cost you? How much do you think this would cost? Well, it depends on the neighborhood. If we're asking for $1,000 for this, I'll shit myself. Well, yeah, what's the neighborhood? They're going 1,000 easy. You think so? Oh, yeah. 60 feet? If it's Manhattan, 1,000 for sure. Yep. Yeah.

It is. Yeah, that's a good point. You know, 1100? And you got, it's, shit, man. Oh, it's a loft. It goes up. Yeah, but you can barely fit, dude. There's no ladder. Right. You got to install a ladder. It can only hold like 235, so don't think about bringing a lady up there. Yeah. All right, this looks like Lower East Side. It does. Whoa.

1200? Good point. He's got a fire escape, garden. Come on. West Village. Oh, J.G. Mellons. That's right by the cellar, dude. That's McDougal and Bleeker. I know that corner. A lot of showers. You know what, though? If you're young, this is not bad. Not bad. I would do it. Oh, 14 St. Marks. I would do it for the location if I was young. Why not? Hell yeah.

This is it? This is it, man. What? Wow, same layout, basically. New Yorkers are mentally ill. Yeah. Imagine watching this being from, like, Indianapolis. I mean, like, are you out of your fucking mind? I know, I know. That's how bad... I know. Okay.

dude it's crazy and it's also but you know what the only like real deal breakers for me in new york are the ones where it's like the shared bathroom i did that you did a shared bathroom i did it for a year i went nuts i almost did it but then i was like give me a fucking another roommate i couldn't do it were you living alone or no i was but it kills your soul it's just a room like that and then a shared bathroom and it's you and a bunch of weirdos and

old people and you see everybody naked it's horrifying yeah the shared bathroom for me would have that's you just you don't want to knock on the door for your bathroom at home and hear an unfamiliar voice yes that's tough and bringing your shit every time to the bathroom you got the bag of soap shampoo sponge or a forever road gig yes exactly you feel like an idiot eleven hundred dollars that's

There you go. You called it. It makes sense, right? West Village, you said Lower East Side. I would have gotten higher, I think, in the West Village. West Village is dicey now. I live in the village, and it's not what it used to be. It's dicey, dude. A lot of homeless guys will just walk up to you and just stop and stare you down. You're like, what is this, Grand Theft Auto? I know, right? What's about to happen to me? It's bad. There's that guy on the wheelchair. He torments you.

I was doing pull-ups the other day like a psycho, and this homeless guy's just waiting. And I was like, ah. He's trying to work in a rep? Work in a set? He was like, he's just like. He was waiting for Mark to get tired so he could mug him. Exactly. He's like, I'm going to get him when he's done. And then I got, oh, you know, you're out of breath. And he's like, all right, can I get some money? And I was like, gah.

This says the next building was converted floors to get double the units on one floor. Ceiling heights were 4.5 feet. Oh! That's not, I mean, as someone who's 6'3", that's fucking insane. I would be in constant pain. You can really just go into sleep. That's what it is. That's it. We got to get Brad Williams in there. What's that? You just crawl in. Yeah, yeah. You got to army crawl. That's a nightmare. That's going to fuck your body up. Yeah.

The only good thing about that apartment is you tell a girl that. You're like, yeah, you're at a bar with a girl. You're like, my apartment ceilings are four foot five. She's like, that's a lie. What are the other stories? Oh, there was Arthur, the PBS show.

Arthur ended his 25 season run on PBS this year. It started in 1996 with celebrity guest voices making cameos throughout the run, such as Joan Rivers, BJ Novak, Matt Damon. What is Arthur? That show always bugged me. It's a little mouse guy. It's the aardvark. He's an aardvark. Oh, he's an aardvark. That show always bugged me because every time I'd be on the road in a hotel and I'd be flipping, I'd be like, Arthur's on, I think it was a Dudley Moore movie. A children's cartoon. So I always was like, ugh.

You're like, where the fuck's the drunk guy? That's what I prefer. I love that movie. Has Simpsons beat it? Yeah. The run? Oh, yeah. Simpsons started in 90. So that's already 30 years. Wow. That's incredible. Simpsons is like 34. Is it still on? Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. That's incredible. What a run. The last one. Yeah, right? It's genius. Genius. Simpsons is genius because it...

Dumb people like it and smart people like it. It hits every brain type. It's got jokes that go over people's heads, but then it's got the silly stuff too. It's almost like Dave Attell. Yeah. Oh, really? There you go. That was a good one. Yeah. Only smart people like that show. Well, because that's the most educated writing staff in all of writing dumb history. They have like...

whatever, like 12 masters, like really a doctorate between them. They're like the most overeducated comedy writing stuff. Wait, there was one more man. Oh wow. That's a curse of, uh, what is that? I took a T UK. I don't know if it's, I took a movie never made because the lead actor keeps dying. Originally offered John Belushi, then Sam Kinison, John Candy, then Chris Farley. Whoa. Uh,

I heard the new guy in talks was John Luke Brunel. I was going to say they should hire Cosby. That would be a nice way to get him out of there. It's the story of an Eskimo moving to New York City. It may never be made. I remember reading about this, actually, in Kinison's book. And Phil Hartman was attached. Holy shit.

This movie's cursed. Damn. I'd like to see some of these dailies of these guys. Just seeing Kinison and Belushi and Farley. Well, was it ever even... I don't even think they started shooting. Oh, okay. I think these guys were just attached. I don't think it... Gotcha. Because I remember Kinison, I...

I think he turned it down, though. I think there was some weird thing where he was attached and then he turned it down. Damn, that's wild. Because I just remembered this now, but it was like, I think he was kind of like, oh, this movie's going to suck or something. I could be totally wrong, but. The Curse of Atuk. Yeah. Don't take this movie. What? You got any peeves, you guys? Oh, I got peeves. I got a peeve. Hit me. Hit me. I'm going to look mine up. The mugs that keep your coffee hot? Yeah. Travel mug. Travel mug. It keeps it too hot. It never cools down.

I hate too hot coffee. Why don't you take the top off? I'm not smart. Which I'll never say to you. Why don't you take your top off?

Uh-oh. Was it the coaster? Yeah. All right. What's your peeve, Mark? That's my peeve. Yeah. I don't love a too hot coffee. You're like, I just need this chemical in my body, this caffeine. Let's go. Love it to be hot, though. Why don't you put some milk in there? Milk helps. I'm solving this peeve right here. Yeah. Women hate when you solve, Sam. You got to listen. Don't you hate that? All right.

I got two peeves. I hate the guy who interrupts. I'm sorry, what? Well, that my realtor does this. Yeah. We've been looking at apartments and there'll be like a nice lady trying to show the apartment and he has to get his chime in bullshit and she goes, okay, so the wall, these are load bearing wall. He's like, oh, load bearing wall.

And he gets louder to cut her off. And that's a huge peeve. You get in, it'll be a real load bearing wall. I'll tell you. Yeah, but I hate when they're both like they're now butting heads with a trying to get a word in. And then he gets really loud and she's like, OK, fine, you go. And he's like, blah, blah, blah, blah. All right, we got it.

And I'm like, I feel bad for these people because they're just trying to tell me about the apartment, which I want to hear. And then he chimes in and has to get louder. It drives me nuts. Women really hate dudes like this. Yes. Right? There's like courses on women being like, don't be a victim to like guys like cutting you off. That's like a whole thing. Totally.

What does that say about a guy? What does it say about a guy's personality? I think he's insecure and he's like, I gotta show you I'm working here. It's like those guys like, we should have a meeting. And you're like, oh, you just want to feel like you have a job. We don't need a meeting. There's no meeting. You just need to feel important. So the other day I was like, hey, hey, she was talking.

And he was like, oh, geez. And I'm like, well, she's in the middle of a fucking sentence. And you cut her off and then she tries to cut back. And they got way louder. That drives me crazy. Yeah, it makes you nervous when it's like, because it's like an extension of you.

So it's like, this guy's being rude and I feel uncomfortable. Exactly. Because he's representing me. Yes. And I don't let my dad does it to my mom and that always bothered me. One time my mom pulled me to the side and she was like, I appreciate how you stopped your dad that one time. And I was like,

Hell yeah. Yeah. That's how stepmom porn starts. Thanks for doing that. Hey, it's no big deal. Let me make it up to you. I'll suck your dick. Yes. That's the start of my life. This podcast really jumped the fucking... What's the... You have another peeve? I do. This thing where everybody has to do everything together.

you know like uh you know they go we have five people on this podcast no no not like that but like you know i'm out of the bar with a couple of guys and i'm like oh i'm gonna i gotta make a phone call like wait i'm about to make a phone call let's you we'll do the phone call together you go over there i'll go over there i'm like i'm just gonna make a phone call like what are we doing here yeah but i think they're like don't leave or whatever i don't know what it is but they're like oh i'm making a phone call anyway or like oh you're leaving i'll go

with you and I'm like well you're leaving 30 minutes after me I hate we gotta do everything together are you getting food I'll get food alright and then I go get food like wait can you wait for me I'm like come on oh the planner person who like wants to come along and then fucking derails the plan yes exactly unreal we gotta do everything together well that drives me nuts when it's like why I had a thing I wanted to do and now you're like wait up

And I'm changing the plan. You're a hijacker. Hijacker. You're no different than the fucking terrorists that we try to keep out of this country day to day, my friend. Hear, hear. Also a good name for a hand job on an edible. Hijacker. But all right. Somebody tweet that. So those are my peeves. You got a peeve? I have a few. One is definitely. I have two. One is definitely when people. All right. So here's one.

You're at the airport. They have those narrow stalls. Some airports, they only have narrow stalls. And you don't think about it until you're in a regularly sized stall. Guess what? I'm at the airport. I got a backpack. I got a rolly bag. And I got a winter coat. You think I want to jam all that shit into a door that won't open? What is this? I'm shitting with bags on top of me. It's like an avalanche in here. I'm dying. Yeah, no, that's annoying. Give me a real fucking stall. I know. What is this, Rikers? Give me a stall. Oh, my God.

What the hell? So that's one. Let's see what else I got. And everybody at the airport has luggage. It makes no sense to me, my friend. And you can't put the luggage outside. Somebody will run off with it. $500 bag like that? Exactly. Not up to me. I got a P for you. People who say, like, not your... I passed a sign on the way here. It said, not your grandma's Brussels Spice Brussels Burrito. I'm like, not my grandma's.

My grandma's never made me a burrito. I don't know what you're talking about. Not your grandma's. I'm like, who is this for? Yeah. Even if you are Mexican, was like, did you grow up on Brussels sprout burritos? Is that part of their... Who the hell is this ad? So shit like that where I'm like, I don't know what the hell this ad means. Yeah, none of it makes sense. None of it adds up. No. Everything about this ad is wrong. Throw an abuela, by the way. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. Not your abuela.

Yeah. But then Brussels, you know, that doesn't... Maybe they're trying to be funny. Maybe they know that's ridiculous. Maybe that's... Well, it didn't work. No. We're professionals. It didn't work for us. Ain't gonna work for the general public. Hear, hear. I'm coming in. I'm taking your advertising team by storm. You're fucking garbage. You hear me? I don't know what company it was I'm calling out right now. Yeah. If you search not your grandma's Brussels burrito, I'm sure you'll find it. Also, not to be a cunt, but...

I would want my grandmother's Brussels burrito. You know, I'd be like, oh shit. I was hoping you'd have my same grandmother's. She made a great Brussels burrito.

Yeah, what the fuck are you saying about my grandma? Exactly. She couldn't crack a fucking pretty simple burrito? Yeah, wouldn't that be a better restaurant? We make shit just like you like it. Dos Toros. Yeah, Spice Grosses. Hey, not your grandmothers. Hey, Dos Toros, you're on notice. Yes. You just made the list, my friend. They make a decent burrito, but... No, they're very good. I prefer my grandmothers. My abuela. Yes. Abuela. Abuela.

All right. What is Tia? Is that aunt? Auntie. Yeah. Tia. Yeah. Yeah. And then mijo is cousin. My son. Son? Yeah. Okay. It might be my boy. I'm not sure, but it's your son. Gotcha. Because mijo is boy, right? Hijo is boy, yeah. Yeah. Hijo. And what did you say? Mijo? Mijo. I think that's short for my boy. Mijo. Mijo. Mijo.

Miho. Miho. Okay. Got it. All right. You guys got any bits that are cracking? I got an idea. Hit me with an idea. I got an idea. It's semi-topical, so I wonder by the time this comes out, it's not going to be relevant, but there was a thing about Sean Penn in Ukraine. Oh, yeah. And his whole thing about, you know, he's in Ukraine.

And I was like, what the hell is this guy doing? Then I looked it up. He's recently divorced. I was like, that explains that. Anyone who just got out of something, you're just like, how much worse can a war zone really be? And then you're like, that's I realized that should be the whole front lines of the military. It's just dudes who just got out of something. Oh, that's good. Because they're literally on the front lines. Like, if I die, she's going to be so upset.

You know how sad she's going to be if I get murdered right now? They're literally dudes that are fine with death. That's great. And every guy they kill, they're like, Cheryl! We're fighting with the Ukrainians. I'm fighting against that alimony.

You lied to me. Oh, shit. Sorry. Birth control. There's something there, right? I like that. I'll give it a go. I might have already posted by the time this comes out. It's topical. It fits two definitions of dead man walking. Well done. Although no one knows that fucking movie but us.

Susan Sarandon. You're right. She's a good looking woman. Really seems a kid. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. What are you kidding? Pull up her in Rocky Horror. Yeah, man on death row. Really seems a kid. You got that right. What do you got? Is this anything? Okay.

My lady is on TikTok seven hours of the day, and it drives me nuts. But, you know, there you go. Yama, yama. Yikes. It's Fright Night. She still looks good. She's got some bombs, huh? Yeah, dude. Holy hell. Like re-Ukraine. Yeah. Oh, look at that. Jeez. She's baking bread in that dress. Um...

But yeah, so ladies on TikTok, seven hours a day. But men are always sitting around like, I don't understand women. I don't know women, whatever. What do women want? I feel like the algorithm figured that shit out in like an hour. So men are sitting around like, we don't know our girlfriends. What do they want? The algorithm, she's getting all these targeted ads. It's all shit that I'm like, I should have thought of that.

It's almost like she has a gay friend who's, I want to get her phone and I'll know what kind of makeup she likes. I'll know what music she likes. I'll know what dresses she likes. I'll know everything. So if I take the phone, I'll be the best boyfriend ever. It's also funny that even if you learned all this shit, you probably wouldn't do it. What am I going to learn to dance and do it for? That's true. If you guys swap phones, she can see your Pornhub algo and you can see her.

Shopping algo That's pretty good That was very good That's pretty good That's very good But it's like a gay friend Because it knows the makeup The difference is If he gets her phone He's going to get the stuff Or if she sees his phone She's going to be like What the fuck is wrong with you? Oh yeah, good point You want me to be a little boy? And Filipino Go prepare Yeah Mijo

Miho. Are we calling this episode Miho? Oh, yeah. That's my ho. But yeah, yeah. The algo knows her so well and more than I do. I don't know about her makeup, but the algo knows the makeup. Sure. So I'm just trying. There's something there I feel like about how it knows her more than I know her. And I should tap into that. But guess what? You can't get a woman makeup.

No. You can't be like, the algorithm can be like, the algorithm can say shit you could never say. Exactly. The algorithm's like, you should try this makeup. You're like, you should try this makeup. It's like, look, I know I gave you a black eye. But either way, no. Maybe that's the angle, though. Maybe it's the algorithm can say shit you can't. Sure. You know, the algorithm's like, have you thought about Planet Fitness? By the way, that was a joke for anyone who just tuned in for this episode and doesn't understand comedy. Because we're getting more and more of those. Really? You ever post a joke? Oh, my God. I posted one about NATO the other day.

And a guy's like, NATO's no joke. And I was like, nothing's a joke. Right. We make the joke. We make it a joke. This is a comedy account, motherfucker. I hate that shit. That drives me crazy. Racism isn't funny. I know. We'll tell that to Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle, Richard Pryor. You make it funny. Well, yeah. You make it a joke. Yeah.

I feel like I lost you there. No, you didn't lose me. Oh, okay. I wish you gave a white guy in the example, too. I wish you said George Carlin, too. Oh, okay. Well, he's saying that they're playing on racial jokes. No, no, I know, but throw it in because we're talking about our bits, I saw. Oh, I see, I see. So I was hoping you threw a white guy in there as well. Well, Louie has that great bit about black people don't fuck with time machines, you know? Nothing before 1980. Thank you, you know? Great bit. White guy can be like, I'll take the year one. We have a table right here for you, sir. Great, great bit. Great bit, but that's a bit about racism.

Yeah. Nothing's funny. Nothing's born funny. Right. You know? You're making fun of fat stuff. Fat people are funny. Like, yes! Have you seen Panette? Have you seen Louis Anderson? They make fun of being fat. It's funny. I haven't seen them recently. I heard they don't look well recently. Yeah, yeah. They're both not doing great. But great, great comics. Oh, yeah. Killer. Yeah.

Yeah. No, you got something there for sure. All right. All right. I'll play with it. I think that might be the angle though. They can say it. I can't. Yeah. Because I'm doing it on stage. I can feel them like, ah, but it's not clicking. No. So I need the click and that might be the click. If only you had the fucking, gave me the attention span to TikTok because that's a- I know, right? TikTok is-

I get stuck on there sometimes. How are you doing with your new algo on TikTok? I remember you said you... I'm killing. I'm killing. Finally. Good for you. Yeah. So I had these young guys, Joey Avery and Daoud in Sacramento. And they were like, they're young guys. They're all about content. They know about the algo and all that. And they're like, this is embarrassing. Your TikTok. Like, for where you're at, this is sad. And I was like, yeah, you're right. What should I do? And they go, honestly, I would...

delete this all and start again. And once I did that, it just shot up. So thank you guys. Funny guys. Check them out. Well, should we plug dates or what? Yeah, you got that right. Did we go long enough? Oh, this is an hour and 25. Too long. Not really. But we got a lot of fun guests coming up. March 31st, Rochester, New York. Rochester this weekend. I hope Beacon will be sold out. I think it will be sold out. It'll be sold out. It's only singles left right now. We're taping the same...

Get those incels. Brea, California. Salt Lake City, April 15th and 16th. Oh, yeah. Great club. Fuck. Yeah. I'm sorry. My eyes are shut right now. Nashville. Nashville. Albany. Toronto. Second show added, brothers. There you go. East Providence, Rhode Island. Tampa. Cleveland. Houston. Dania Beach. Buffalo. San Jose. Chicago.

Sucky, sucky. Yeah. I don't know what I'm talking about. Love you a long time. No, it's going to be great. You changed your cover, Mark. Well, you've got to promote the tour. Love it. Look at that. We're doing some theaters. We're all over the place, all over the road. Scoot it up to March. Oh, wow. They got my website fixed. Hallelujah.

I can't read any of that. Beer Jew, you got that? Or Sally, you got that? March 30th at New York City. March 31st, Dania Beach. Yeah. And April, Dania Beach still. Dania Beach straight to art. April 2nd. April 7th, you're in Indianapolis. Yeah, helium. That's all weekend there. April 14th.

Charlottesville, Virginia? At the Southern. It's a little theater. Then on to Durham, North Carolina, Washington, D.C., Austin, Texas, April 20th. Yeah, the Paramount Theater. Doing anything else down there? It's Moon Tower Festival, so it's a fun time. I might try to do Segura's Pod if I can. Straight on to Phoenix for four nights.

house of comedy maybe i've never heard of calusa calusa's casino that should be tough i'm gonna get my ass kicked calusa california it's mid california so it's gonna be rough fucking ranchers yeah exactly ranchers farmers and meth heads and mid mayor and addison addison improv san jose improv that's a big one i'm there too it's big huntsville chicago cleveland irvine you're cleaning up here all

All right, there you go. Irvine, Huntsville, Cleveland, Chicago at the Vic. Come on out. Should be fun. D.C. Lincoln Theater. That's where Chappelle shot Killed Him Softly. Fun photo. Looks good. Salacus didn't take it.

And yeah, we're cooking, folks. The pod is growing. We got some big guests cooking. That's a Mindy Tucker photo. Shout out, Mindy Tucker. Oh, yeah. Some videos. All right. So yeah, there's a few. We love you guys. WeMightBeDrunkPod.com if you want merch. You can have a glass like this or koozies or whatever the fuck you want. The Patreon.com slash WeMightBeDrunkPod.

I mean, shit. Sally, Beer Jew, anything to plug? If you sign up to the highest Patreon level, the Beer Jew will come to your house and make you drink and go down on you. Oh, my God. All right. You're getting all these ladies like, he's so hot, blah, blah, blah. His dick's proportional. That's going to start today.

Say Less! That's a great title for a special. That's why I say it on my first dates. Ha ha ha ha ha! Woo!

Sam's back. I don't know where I went. I'm back. But sorry, I'm cutting you off here. Say less. You're there. You're slinging drinks. Cockologist. He makes the best drink in the biz. Check him out. This is a great whiskey riff. I think we might have a new one. Put the ingredients on the screen. Sally, you got anything to plug? Pay less. I buy shoes there. There you go.

Great shoes. Solid. I used to go there as a kid. Daffy's. That's it. I forgot about Daffy's. Holy shit.

All right, well, you got any... Sally's done some sketches. You're on YouTube. You're on something. Check out your website. You got a website? Yeah, sallacuse.com. Okay. All my photos and skits. S-A-L-A-C-U-S-E.com. We need a song like this to lead in. Can we get a jazz riff to lead in? Please. That should be our new intro. It'd be nice. We have that band outro-ing. We need jazz up front.

So, any jazz people? Send us something. You know, Gerard Carmichael just recorded his special at the Blue Note. I heard it. I was like, man, that's pretty badass. Small room, though. Small room, but much like him, his set was improvised. All right. He's very jazzy, you know. He's very artsy-fartsy. I love this song. Great tune. You guys are the best. We love you. Thanks for listening.

I remember. Yeah.