EP 67: Chris DiStefano & The Muddy Martini
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We might be drunk We might be drunk As long as we are hanging out You know we might be drunk Raise a glass, let's talk shit Have peeps, wrecks and a bit Maybe drunk We might be drunk

Yeah. Hey, folks, here we are. We might be drunk. We're here. We're queer. And Sam's making some cheer. We got Sam Morrill on the blower. And our pal, you know him, you love him, Chris.

Chrissy D! Chris DiStefano, Chrissy Bitchips. Call them what you will. How are you, Chris? What's up, everybody? How you doing? You look sharp. You look sexy. You look shiny. Yeah, but you know what it is? Here's the slime I am. It's like you think that it's like this nice, you know, expensive outfit. The jacket's from H&M. The jeans are all navy. And I'm wearing a Budweiser shirt. So I just... It looks good, dude. I'm all about hiding it. You look like Tom Hardy or some shit. Really? Yeah, you look good as shit. I think Tom Hardy's the...

I think here's what I'll say about Tom Hardy. He's the actor. Cause you know, everyone says like, Oh, if I was drunk, like I'd hook up with this guy, even though I'm not gay. Like Tom Hardy is the closest to guy hook up with where I'm not drunk. I wouldn't need to. I'd so I do it sober in front of my family. I'd kiss him on the lips. Yeah. Oh, look at this. So what's Sam making a Martine?

Yeah, we're doing a cloudy martini. This is Amazon. These were free, and I stole this from Uniqlo. So I'm with you. Did you steal it? Yeah. I don't know what I'm wearing. That's nice, too. It fits like a goddamn glove on that. That's got tight bods. Lanky scarecrow body you got there. There it is. Look at this studio. Yeah, not too shabby, huh? I like it. I like that I came in, and the front doorman guy told me I didn't have to wear a mask. I was like, I'm sorry I don't have a mask. He's like, it's okay, man. That's how we do it here. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, there it is. Nice, dude. This looks like my dad's urine. Cheers. What was that? That's a Dangerfield joke. I was drinking so much I pissed an olive. I fucked up. You could just tell. No disrespect at all. I could just tell this is going to suck. You'll feel better than it tastes. There we go.

Sam, I stand corrected. Dead serious. What? Sam. What? I literally stand... Wow. I thought this... Because this looks like sewage. You know why? Because it's actual good-ass brine. Wow. Dude, this is amazing. This looks like what happened to the Mississippi River in Louisiana. This is... No, I know. This looks like... This is Hurricane Katrina. Exactly. Woo! But...

It's like a meal, dude. There's so much olive juice in here. It's like a meal. I'm getting calories in here. It looks like an L.A. hot chick drink. Yeah. But it tastes like my dad. Yeah, no, I know. I mean, it's... Your dad tastes delicious. Yeah, Norman's got a hot dad. You sound like my stepmom.

Are your parents divorced, Mark? No, no, I wish. They're still together and they go at it. My parents are divorced. And I was speaking to my dad. My dad's visiting me from Florida. He's been saying this for two weeks. And he said, you know, the best thing I ever did in my life was divorce your mother. He's like, I'm sorry if that hurts you. He's like, but really, I wouldn't be proud of you if I was still married to your mom. What?

Yeah, he was like... He just think... Because he was just like, my life was going nowhere with your mom. He's like, and your mom's a good person, and I'm a good person, but we just weren't good together. And I think that the best thing I ever did was divorce her. That's fair. He goes, and 37 years later, he said, I would never be as happy as I am as a human being if I was still married to your mom. I'm with that. Louis C.K. has that great joke. When he got divorced, I was like, I'm sorry. He's like, no, divorce is great. It's the best thing you can do. Because I bet you somebody like Louis or anybody like...

It's not like the divorce came out of nowhere. He was probably waiting to do that. You're waiting to do that for years. And then when it finally happens, you're like...

yeah i'm out of jail kind of thing you know it's a weird thing it is weird to tell you like i'm i'm a better i wouldn't be proud i'm happy i get right i wouldn't be proud as a little that's happy well what he was saying was what he was saying was he was like i meant like he said because because he said i think that i was able to be like a good dad to you because i was not in a negative headspace with because i was not with your mom if i was with your mom he said i would have just been

a miserable curmudgeon of a guy and then you probably would have turned out like a big piece of shit. Right. And so he was like, you know, I think you're a happy guy because my dad was like, I'm happy but I could only get happy when I left your mom. Yeah. Because she sucks. It's a... I've met both your parents. They're the nicest. My mom and dad... How about this? My mom and dad...

They now are like actual like friends again. But that's it's only because I started to have kids like before I had kids, they would fight at anything. They got into a fight in the crowd at my David Letterman set where I saw if you watch my David Letterman set about whatever it is, three and a half minutes in. I like look up.

a little bit because there was some commotion and then Mad Dog Maddern, James Maddern was sitting, he was one of my guests to come and he was sitting up there and he goes, yeah, that commotion, the ushers ran down the aisle and almost threw your mom and dad up because your mom was sitting in like the center seat and my dad, your dad leaned over and was like, hey, you were never at any of his shows, I should be in the center seat, not you. And then she was like, I was the one that was at all the open mics. He goes, I was the one who was at the Maui Taco, I was the one who did all that.

He goes, I went to the creek and the cave. He was like, you didn't do any of that. And she was like, shut up, Tony. He's on stage. Who gives it? And then because James gets your closer. I know. I know. Mad Dog Madden was sitting in between the both of them. So my James was the buffer between my dad and my mom. I know. I would say this. If I'm your therapist, they're making your Letterman spot about them. They got to be there for you. I know. I know. And then my mom ran down the stairs and pretty practically pushed me out of the way. So you get a picture with John Travolta. He was the other guest.

You talked to Travolta, right? No, listen. The thing is with a guy like a John Travolta, somebody I know just met Tom Cruise and said that there's an aura to them. You understand why they're famous. There's something magical about them. And Tim Dillon said the same about Alec Baldwin. Tim Dillon just worked with Alec Baldwin. He did his podcast. He said, you get why he's so famous.

Travolta has that thing where it's like, it's a presence that I don't have. We don't have. You know, so it's like, so they have it where you're like, oh, I get why Hollywood was attracted to this person and why they're like this. This is something otherworldly because he had me in one of his trances. That's what they do. He had me in a fucking trance. I saw him.

I was going up next. He had just finished his segment. Then there's that commercial break, and I'm standing there by that curtain waiting to go out. I could see the set. I'm shitting myself, and he walks past me, and then he comes back. He goes, whoa, you have on a beautiful suit. And I was like, yeah. I was like, I go, it's from Joseph A. Bank. And he was like, oof.

and then kind of he was like oh you know and i was like i had bought it off the rack in suffolk county long island a day before because i don't know if you remember remember like a tailor remember like out of our group like of guys who like started like chay was the first one to get like letterman and everyone was like he wore jeans right and then i was like oh shit i was going up two weeks later i was like i got to get a suit yeah i don't own a suit right so so i so i just bought this

suit that was too big and he goes um he goes this is you have such a beautiful suit and i was like wow i was like thanks and then he goes um he goes uh he goes so so are you nervous and i was like a little bit and then he put his hand on my chest like without like just put his hand like right in the middle of my chest he goes why is your heart beating so fast i was like because you have your hand on my nipple that's his pickup line yeah yeah and then he goes and then he goes and then he goes um he goes just calm down breathe with me and i was like what

I swear to God, dude. My mother is witnessing this whole thing. This is me too. I know. Oh, 100%. He goes, just breathe with me. And I was like, okay. And he goes, you've done this already. And I said, no, I haven't. I'm going up next. He goes, you've done this already. And I go, no, I'm going up. I almost got anxious. I almost was like, no, fucking stupid. I'm next. I'm paralyzed with fear right now. Yes.

And he goes, no, you've done this already. And I said, I haven't. And he goes, no, no, no, you have because your set had to be vetted, I'm sure, by David Letterman and all his bookers and producers. I'm sure they don't just let you on. So you've done this set. You've practiced it. Famous people think that Letterman is watching our set. Yeah, yeah. David Letterman was like, thanks, Frank. Like, he didn't give a shit. Conan O'Brien's in the room like, that guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not how it happened. There's a booker. But he says to me, he goes, you've done it already. You've been vetted. Producers, they don't just let anyone on the show. He was like, so the hard part is over. Our next guest, Paul Mercurio.

I know. He goes, you know what's so crazy, dude? Who's the guy? Eddie Brill, who was the warm-up comic, did one of my bits that I was later going to do on the Letterman Show in the warm-up. James, I had all these texts from James Madden. I don't dare look at my phone. I had all these texts from James Madden. Hey, man, don't do the R-word bit. Don't do the R-word bit. I'm not R-word bit. A bit where I add R's into words that don't need R's. He was doing it.

based off like a Boston accent. You used to call it the N word bit. Yeah, exactly. I love Joe Rogan. Yeah. I'm starting a podcast with Neil Young. It's called We Both Never Did Rogan. I'll be a guest. Yeah, there you go. So, so. Get Joni Mitchell. There it is. So, so, you know,

He's like, you've done this already. And I said, no, I haven't, whatever. And he goes, no, no, all the hours, all the times you practice in front of the mirror, the hard part is done. You've been selected. Now you just have to go live the moment. So it's over already. The work is done. It's over. Just go live the five minutes. He's not wrong. And he goes, be present for those five minutes. That's my only advice to you. He goes, and you know what? He goes, I'm supposed to catch a flight. I want to stay here and watch you live this moment. He said, it's so cool for me to see someone...

experienced this for the first time. He goes, I'm going to be here cheering you on. You're going to crush. Great job. And I'm like, holy smokes. And then with that, almost like while he's talking, I don't realize that about 90 seconds I went by, you get that little tap on your shoulder because you can't hear. And they tap me out and I hear David Letterman saying, please welcome Chris DiStefano. And I went out there and I had...

you know, like a really good present in the moment set. And I felt like, oh my God. And in my head this whole time, I'm thinking like, I'm like doing these jokes in front of John Travolta. Like who knows what could happen? Maybe I'll be talking three. I don't know. I don't know. And then I come out and I see my mom there and she's like, oh my God. Like, you know, like great, whatever. How's it feel? I was like, amazing. And I was like, where's, where's John? And she goes, oh honey, he left immediately. Yeah. Yeah.

But he did what he had to do. He got you up. Truthfully. And I almost wasn't mad. I said, Mom, how quick did he... You mean after the first joke? She goes, no, as soon as you went onto stage and put your hand up to wave hello, he walked out. Wow. But I'm not mad at him at all about that at all. Nothing. You had a moment with him. And now you're a Scientologist. And then I swear to God. And then you're ready for this? And this is 1,000% true. The vet...

We know this as comics, but the audience may not know. It's like we want to hurt ourselves a lot. So I had a set at the David Letterman. I felt fantastic. I then immediately took the bus, took the bus with James Madden and my ex-girlfriend at the time and my friend from home took the bus to the Village Lantern.

Yes. Okay, the old Village Lantern Comedy Club. And I bombed with that same set in front of six or seven Swedish people in my Letterman suit. I just was like, I have to do it. I did it. I drank a 40 on the bus in a brown paper bag. It was like, because you want to feel that pain. I come off the bus. Okay. I'm sorry. I come out of the Village Lantern walking down the street. This was June. Walking down the street is Tracy Morgan with no shirt on and a $15,000 chain.

So I see him. After the Walmart crash, he got a $45,000. I know. He upgraded. Yeah. So I don't know Tracy Morgan. Of course, I know who he is, but I never met him or anything. My ex-girlfriend at the time was like, Tracy, hey, because everyone was kind of drunk and buzzed. She was like, my boyfriend just did Letterman. He goes, who? And he goes, my boyfriend right here. And he goes, oh, shit. And then he goes, yo, come over here, player. So he grabs me by, puts me in a headlock.

with almost like a sweaty armpit and he goes, he goes, yo, your girl is beautiful. I was like, thanks. He goes, I like her toes. They painted like Skittles. And I was like, yeah, man, it's great. He goes, you just did David Letterman? And I said, yeah. He goes, how'd it go? And I was like, it was good, man. I had this, you know, I really felt like I had a good set. He goes, I'm proud of you, man. I always know from day one you was a real motherfucker. I was like,

I go, I go, I've never met you. Like, I've never met you at all. I swear, it's 100% true. I go, I go, Tracy, I've never met you. He goes, nah, nah, nah, I know you from day one. And I go,

This is day one. And I go, yeah, dude, this is day one. And then he goes, who's the other people on the show? He goes, who's the music guest? I was like, I really don't remember. He goes, was there anybody else on the show? I said, John Travolta. And then I swear to God, he goes, he put his hand on your chest? I swear to Christ. And I was like, he did. He was like, yeah, that boy cold. Wow. I swear to God, dude. And then he goes, yo, congratulations. He goes, I'm going to be seeing you. Hand to God.

Six weeks later, maybe less, I did that South Beach Comedy Festival. Comedy Central South Beach Comedy Festival. In Miami? In Miami. Last minute addition. So it might have been a month later. Last minute addition to the show. I'm in the festival.

Tracy Morgan's headlining the Jackie Gleason Theater down there. He needs an opener. Comedy Central chooses me. I open. I see him in the green room. I go, Tracy, what's up, man? He goes, who are you? I was like, I met you a month ago outside the Village Lantern, whatever. I'm the guy who did Letterman, whatever. He goes, I don't know who you are. You want a water? I was like...

Yeah, sure. I'll take a water. Then he proceeds to give me... He goes... Matt Frost. Matt Frost is his agent. He goes, Matt, give this man some waters. And then I was like... I take a couple of bottles of water. Matt comes over and gives me a couple of bottles of water. He goes, no, no, no. Give him a case. I want him to have a case of waters. So he gives me a fucking Poland Spring case of water off a pallet. I was like, what is this? And I said to Matt, I was like, what is this? He goes, Tracy Morgan always needs a pallet of water at every show he does. I was like...

Okay. Wow. What a story. It was great, man. Amazing. But honestly, dude, it's shit like that that's like, I'm so happy that it worked out that way. Yeah, right? Yeah. It'd be weird if it was just you started opening for Tracy Morgan and that's better. He didn't know what you were. No, he doesn't give a fuck who I am. Oh, shit. This shit keeps you funny.

Yeah. Being the butt of the joke keeps you funny at the end of the day. Yes. The bus ride, the 40. I love the idea that your parents are fighting at Letterman. And Letterman's like, why'd you get into comedy? You're like, right there. Right there. That's it. That's it. Those two fucking mooks. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, like, I, you know, just this past weekend, I did the Beacon Theater, and it was like a beautiful moment for me. Sold out, whatever. Not even close. The...

By far, the biggest ovation was when I brought T.T. Jerry and Homeless Pimp on the stage. I mean, they were like, I was just like a fucking carcass just on the fucking stage. Wait, we got to talk about them. So Sam's doing The Beacon coming up. It's about to sell out. You're both New York guys, New York City. What was it like? I mean, that's a beautiful theater. It's a special place. It's iconic. Were you nervous about selling tickets? Did you know you had it? Tell us everything. So that's awesome. Congrats to you, Sam. Congrats to you, my friend. Very nice, folks. It's stupid.

Hey, these are better than they look, too. Dude, honestly, man, I need a second one.

We might need more ice, Matt, if that's possible. I spilled some of it on my jeans. Thank God they were $8. These are fucking good, if I don't mind. I mean, whatever company sent us this shit. 1888. Hey, man, this is good. Good year. I'm watching that show 1883, by the way. Great show. It's on Apple TV. Phenomenal show. Is that the year Biden was born? There it is. That was all right. Yeah, it's not bad. Trying to keep them joking here. What is it?

So 1883 is a show about Sam Elliott's in it. Tim McGraw. Yeah. It's a really fucking fantastic show. Westerns are bad. And there's like a scene, like a random scene in the show, like so random where they do a flashback to when the main character, Tim McGraw, is fighting in the Civil War for the Confederacy.

And he's like on the battlefield at Antietam, which is like a very bloody Civil War battle. And he's on the battlefield. It says flashback to Antietam, whatever. And he's like in a Union uniform.

soldier captain or lieutenant comes over and is like talking to him and he's like it's gonna be okay like I'm you know I'm not gonna kill you I'm not gonna hurt you and you're like oh whatever and then the camera pans up it's fucking Tom Hanks whoa just a random bit part and then the same then the very next episode they have a sheriff that like comes in and kills everybody and the sheriff is Billy Bob Thornton and then neither one of them ever come back in the show again it's like it's like just

Keep showing your toes. John Travolta touches his chest. He's like, why is your heartbeat? And so I know it's a fucking great show, man. 1883. It's connected to that show. Yellowstone. Another Western. So I got Mark on Yellowstone. So Yellowstone. So how far deep into Yellowstone are you? I just started the fourth season. Okay. So the fourth season. So I think. So do you know when they flashback? Don't say too much.

No, no, I'm not going to give anything away. But you know when they flash back to Kevin Costner's John Dutton, when they flash back to the 1800s? Sure. That's this show. That is this exact show. Every show has got an alternate universe. Not alternate, extended universe. Right, right, right. That's the only way to make money, you know? I mean, they've got to be familiar. Everything's got to be familiar now or nobody watches it. Wait, so let me tell you about The Beacon.

First of all, the one thing about us being New Yorkers, Sam, is what... And I don't know, but what... Not that... I don't want to say regret this. I don't. But what I wish I would have done a little different, but I guess I can't. Okay. It's the guest list that I had because it's from New York. Ooh.

So many people came there and wanted to come to the green room and this and that. It gave me so much... It added a level of pressure that I didn't need. So if I ever, God willing, get another chance to do the beacon or something like that, I won't invite... I'll just say, I can give you guys free tickets. Absolutely. No problem. No green room access. No after party access. They don't get that it's a show. You know, like I was...

That whole day, I mean... This is the only job, by the way. You're not going to see Les Mis and they're like, come in the green room. Yes, right? So true. Well, Tim Dillon did The Beacon and Tim's a New York guy too. And Tim was like, when he came to the show and he said, man, you got so many people here. I said, I know, it's The Beacon, whatever. He goes, dude, I'm from New York too. I told nobody to come. He's like, you gotta...

I'm going to do a special and put it out on YouTube. And the old me would have invited everyone. I want nobody's coming. No, you don't want anybody. I don't want my family there. I don't want anybody. Zero people. I don't want my agent there. I want to do the show for my fans. And then you can watch the product. Exactly. The show is number one. I can't be giving you energy and you time. How was your day? Get out. Oh, you couldn't find parking. Get out of here. I got, I got,

people texting me at, you know, I go on stage, you know, whatever the show starts at eight o'clock. I have people texting me seven 50. Where are my tickets? Where is this? What do I do? Are you going to do the same set? Like I'm like, what the, so it was a good question at a seven 59. Yeah. Right. So that's be my only advice for you. But honestly, man, I gotta be honest. The beacon theater, it was one of those experiences where, uh,

When I was about to be brought on, James Maddern, Sergio Chacon featured, he crushed, and then James Maddern hosted, and he's just like such a great host. Amazing. When he was about to bring me up, it was like one of those things where like,

I just forgot all my material. Like it happened, like, you know, I'm sure we've all been in that situation where like, I just was like, oh shit, I don't even know how I'm going to open. I forgot. But it was like, it's almost like a good thing. Cause like my brain almost like zapped out and like started with a blank slate. And I just came out and was like, so in the moment that it,

By the time I got the light at 50 minutes, I thought... I remember in my head thinking, I'm probably at about 20 now. And then James was on the side with the light for 50. I was like, that can't be right. That's a good sign. And then I did like it... Normally when I do a set, I'll get up to 55 minutes, whatever. I'm like, all right, let me start winding it down. I must have did...

80 minutes on that stage just because it would just kept they're so loving you know they're your people and they know it's a big they had fun man they had fun and then they'll and then I was like after I was done I was like man that should have been my special but now I'm gonna do it at New York Comedy Club

well you know yeah well you want the club atmosphere yeah but also i think to shoot in a room that big is going to do right gotta cost 150 grand well that's what they said well i was going to do my special in puerto rico the same agent and i'm sure he gave you the same rundown that he gave you well well i was going to do my special in puerto rico now that would really stand out because i was going to say oh you know i'm doing on youtube in puerto rico i was going to say to my i was going to say listen you know these people you know like um uh

you know, Netflix doesn't want me. Amazon doesn't want me. Showtime doesn't want me. I want to go back to where I'm loved, where the people love me, Puerto Rico. The Puerto Rican government wants a hundred grand for any. They don't love you either. I was like, I guess y'all don't love me. Yeah. Right. I forgot.

Chris was going to open with, I feel pretty. I was going to come out fucking just throwing paper towels into the crowd. You know what you got to say? Hey, look, we'll have a cock fight first, and then it'll be free. You do a thing that I do too, and we got to cut it out. We act as like underdogs and stuff, but it's like, you're doing so well, dude. You're crushing it. It's cool. He earned it, though. It's not like he got tapped on the shoulder by some fat guy with a cigar. You're in, kid. It's Joe Hollywood here. Look, Joe Hollywood...

You got to get in with that guy. But let me tell you, you did it the right way. You did it through your own base. Oh, we're doing the mics together. Look at us now. Yeah. Yeah. Look at us now, drunk on weird looking martinis I made. Drunk in a fucking weird studio. I know, we're drinking Flint water. I knew you liked the Patrick Ewing thing there. So Patrick, let me tell you my Patrick Ewing story. So I got two of them. You could feed Chris anything and he'll have something. I'm dying to hear your Harvey Weinstein story.

He touched your chest and he said, your heart's beating so quickly. So, Patrick Ewing, my very first Knicks game. How old were you? Nine, ten. Okay. The thing, sports for me, why sports is so special for me is because

It was an incentive when I was a child to do good in school. My father would say, if you do good in school, if you listen to your mother, if you do this, whatever it is, you will get tickets to a Knick games. You will get tickets to a Yankee game. So sports was incentivized for me. So that's why I fell in love with it. It was because that's how my father, you know, got me to do what he needed me to do.

So, you know, they were like, you know, if you pass these, get these good grades and we're going to take you to the Knicks magic. That was the first game I went to Shaquille O'Neal's magic. Wow. Penny Hardaway too or no? Yes. Yeah. 1992 Orlando magic. So Penny, that finals team, right? The finals were like 94, 95, I think. So yeah, but that's who they beat Jordan. Definitely Penny. Definitely Penny and Shaq.

So, and Scott Skiles, for sure. So, so. He was a killer. So I was a little kid, you know, early 90s. You know, we're sitting, you know, whatever, upper deck seats, whatever. Yeah.

Patrick Ewing goes baseline and like tomahawk dunks on Shaquille O'Neal. And I was like, oh my God. And then he like, you know, Shaquille had like fallen under him. So like Patrick had to like hang on the rim a little bit. So I go, dad, I like stand up. I was like, I was like, Patrick Ewing. I was like, dad, look at him. He's swinging on the rim like a big monkey. And I'm like, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo.

Like that. Because to me, it looked like a monkey. And my dad was just like pulling me down, pushing me down. And everyone was like looking over at me like whatever. And then my dad...

There's a thing. I don't know if I tried to do like misremember this because I thought it was like a funny or I thought it was like some type of defense mechanism. But I'm almost positive. Like, I would be willing to say I'm 95% sure this. He really said this is he looked around because it got tense. Like, oh, really? Yeah, because I just yelled up and said he's like a monkey and went, well, the blackface didn't help. Yeah. Yeah.

You know it's bad when you offend early 90s New York. Yeah. And then my dad, I was going to say it was 92, 93. My dad said to the general group around me, he goes, my son's retarded. Oh, okay.

Good save. Not special needs. He goes, my son's retarded. So he made it ten times worse. By the way, his save now would make it ten times worse, right? Yeah. That's genius. That's a time. That's a great move. It's like what Kevin Spacey did. He fucked that kid and he was like, well, I'm autistic. Or whatever. Or he said, I'm gay. Or I'm gay. Which did not help. No, that didn't help. You can't be accused of fucking someone underage and be like, I'm gay. That's not a sexual orientation thing. Right, right. So Kevin Spacey, well, let me tell you my Kevin Spacey story.

I swear to God. So I went up to Kevin Spacey. So this was five, six years ago. I somehow got involved. I forgot how I initially got involved. But Kevin Spacey and Cal Ripken Jr., the Baltimore Orioles Ironman Hall of Famer. Oh, my God. They had some type of foundation down in Washington, D.C. And I got hired to do...

to open the show that they were doing like this rally or this fundraiser or whatever. I got hired to open the show. Wow. And Cal Ripken. How many years ago is this? This is maybe six, seven. Pre-cancel. No, no, yeah. No, there was no, nothing about Kevin Spacey. It might've been months away, but Kevin Spacey was, I mean, he was being, he was a Kevin Spacey. He was a God. God. A legend. So. One of the best actors. Great actor. Oh yeah. And funny guy.

So Cal Ripken, which by the way, Cal Ripken Jr., if you're not a baseball fan, Google him. His blue eyes are like, it's a little traumatizing. Like piercing. It's insane. Pull it.

Pull up Cal Ripken Jr.'s eyes. Man, he must have really gotten laid, huh? Didn't his mom get kidnapped? Yeah, like... What? Yeah, something weird. They got her back, I think. Yeah, they got her back. But Cal Ripken... Whoa! Look at that. That's real. That's not photoshopped. That's photoshopped. It's like a warlock or something. And he's a phenomenal baseball player. Great player, too. Oh, yeah. Class act. Broke Lou Gehrig's record. Really? First ballot Hall of Fame. He got the disease? Yeah.

I knew a guy when I started out. He passed away. Really funny guy, Glenn Coyle, had a joke where he goes, my girlfriend got Lou Gehrig's disease, so I traded her. That's a great joke. That's a great joke. He's got a Michael Keaton in him. Yeah, he's great. Very handsome. So I'm there.

And first of all, Cal Ripken, I do my five minutes, which is like, you know, bullshit five minutes opening up this thing. Cal Ripken goes, he goes, man, I don't know how you do what you do. I don't have the balls to do that. I was like, you literally are one of the greatest baseball players of all time. Like, what are you talking about? He goes, nah, stand up's harder. It's a different thing. He goes, stand up's harder. I go, Cal, it's not.

I was like, dude, you're a – But to us it looks – I mean, obviously baseball is harder. But to us, to them, that must be like – that's not what they do. Think about the repetition of just swinging. It's antisocial. Yeah, right. So it was Cal Ripken, Phil Necro. I don't know if you know Phil Necro. He's like a Hall of Fame knuckleball pitcher. I think he just passed away. And Kevin Spacey in the green room. Wow.

The big three, of course. The big three. And Jasmine, my kid's mom, my girlfriend, my kid's mom, she's in there with me. And it was like, you know, we're there. So she sees all this. So Kevin, so Phil Necro and Kevin Spacey are doing like,

like horrifying, not horrifying to a comic, but like if it ever got out, like audio leak, like wild jokes, like racist, sexist, like crazy shit. But you're like, whatever, who gives a fuck? It's green room. Yeah. But then film Kevin space. This is pre. Spacey turns to a camera. If this ever gets out, I'll be finished. But then, but then Kevin, Kevin says something to Phil Negro. Like you ever just kiss a boy on the lips.

No way. Something crazy. And we were like, it was a little bit like, and then we were like, okay. And then Jasmine said to Kevin Spacey, he goes, what do you mean a boy? He goes, no, no, no. Like an 18, 19 year old boy. You ever just kiss a boy in the lips? Nothing's better. And then it was so weird. And we were like, okay, like whatever. That's his testing ground though. 18, 19. That was his save. Yeah. And we were like, yeah, that's fine. Like whatever it is, it is, you know, cool, whatever. And to be honest with you, to be fair, again, I don't know him past this.

He was mad cool that night. Yeah. He was fucking awesome. I'm sure he's the most charming guy in the planet. Yeah. After I did my set, he was right there. He was like phenomenal. He was like, let's hang out. Let's do this. Let's do that. He was like, we got to do all these. He was like, we got to be, I got to put you in movies and this and that. And then he was like, come find me in the after party. And then I swear to God, I saw him at the after party and I walked up to him. I was like, hey, Kev. I was like, hey, Kevin, like, I'm just about to go. You just told me to come find you. And he was like,

I'm a little busy right now. And he was talking to like some 21 year old, like jacked, gorgeous male waiter. And you overheard him saying, I got to get you in movies. Yeah. Yeah. I've heard stories about the, you know,

touchy, touchy, touchy with stuff on set. And then if you were like, you got to cut it out, he would cut it out. But if you didn't say something, he would, he would keep that going. Well, the reason why I bring it up is because again, no judgment. I don't know him. I, other than that, but, but we, I remember, I remember,

in the car going back to our hotel that night Jasmine said to me she goes Kevin Spacey's like a little like it's a little much with him right and I said yeah I said to be honest I said but I think that's all how Hollywood actors are this is pre-me too stuff so whatever and then when all the shit came out about him Jasmine right away she was like I told you that there was something off about that guy I was on Jim and Sam right when that

I think it was the week it came out with Jon Bernthal, who was in Baby Driver with him. And Jon Bernthal was just openly like, that guy's a piece of shit. What? Before it came out? No, it came out. And Jon was like, I've never talked shit about an actor. He's a bad human being. Right.

Really? And he was like, not nice. He talked publicly. It was on air. I'm sure there's record of it on air somewhere. I mean, he would just say, he was just saying like, yeah, that's not a good guy. And it was like a news story from that episode that, cause it was like, John Bernthal is a big actor. That's like, I was on sway in the morning, which is like an all black show for a black audience. I was like the guest host for sway in the morning. And the, the, the,

at while the Jussie Smollett news was breaking before anyone thought he was lying like just a man who was beaten and and it was like that and I was on with some guy like white Jewish guy who like owns a bunch of gyms and he goes um Sway was like you know everyone went in a room how do you feel I was like oh it's horrible it's you know this and that but whatever and then because you know the story did sound horrible and then they got to me and I was like I don't know if I believe it yeah and they were like and they and they were like what the

fuck they were like and nobody like scolded me but like but you see they're like that's that white shit with white people like they don't believe everything blah blah blah and then it came out like two months later that it probably was made up because I was like it doesn't seem real because my I said there's proof of it I said it on air I said because at that time they were saying two white

They were saying, the news was saying two white supremacists had said, you're that F word from Empire. And I said, there's no way white people are watching Empire. That's what I said right on air. You're not a MAGA white supremacist guy and...

watching fucking Empire. No, there's no way that's happening. But that's ballsy of you to do that in that black room. Right, yeah, but I was trying to do, that was my bid. I was like, there's no way they're doing that on Empire. That's a funny bid. Yeah, I was just doing it and they were like, nah, like nobody, it wasn't like bad. It's a tough angle to take when it's, the jury's still in, or jury's still out. I texted Sway two months later. I was like, apology, question mark? What'd he say? He left it on read. Sway's my boy. I love Sway.

Sway's one of those guys who I started. He taught me when I was hosting shows in 2014, 2015. He just gave me the best advice, the best tips. Sway, if you ever get a chance to work with Sway from Sway in the Morning, Sway Calloway, he's truly one of the best guys. I've seen some of his interviews. He's great. Great interviews. He interviewed Obama four times. He's a personal friend.

Hey, Obama, if you're listening, you got an open invite to We Might Be Drunk. We'll get whatever booze you want. Look, I fucking, our bartender didn't make it tonight. She's Puerto Rican. We know what Chris does to Puerto Rican women, so we told her to stay home. Honestly, that's better for me and my family that she didn't show up. Yeah, she's a good looking lady. No, but we, yeah, yeah, but we, you know. If you're into that sort of thing.

Hot Latino women. I'll make you a cocktail any time. Can I get one more, actually? Yeah! We need more ice, Matt. We need more ice. Honestly, dude, this is one... Somebody's got to drive my car to the Gramercy. I'll drive. I can drink and drive like you wouldn't believe. Don't say that. I really can. I'm a great drunk driver. Don't say that. I grew up drinking and driving. I'm a great drunk driver.

I'm from New Orleans. You keep digging a hole here. No, I'm not. I've never had a DUI. I've never gotten pulled over. I didn't realize... This might be boring, but I was watching today this story of the frontiersman. I didn't know the history of the American frontier. I didn't realize the historic significance of...

of New Orleans. Oh, yeah. Whoever controlled New Orleans in the War of 1812, there would be no country if there wasn't New Orleans. The French had to give up New Orleans. So I didn't know if you know this, Napoleon, the France owned the whole Louisiana territory, the Louisiana Purchase, whatever. So Napoleon, in a drunken stupor, just gave New Orleans

just fucking sold Louisiana to Thomas Jefferson for like what would be the equivalent of like a few hundred dollars. Yeah, I know. Just like when Steinbrenner bought the Yankees. Yeah, yeah. It was like, what are you doing? I know. But I was like, it's fucking interesting. Like I did not realize, like I was like, oh, you know, fucking whatever, New Orleans, I don't know, you drink hurricanes, you go on, you know, have Mardi Gras or whatever. But it's like without that city, dude, there would be no United States. Wow, you think United States?

Well, we'd be half a country. We'd stop in the Midwest. Maybe we'd be better off. Let's go back to the 13 colonies. What are you guys thinking about? We might be happier. I think we're already there. The country's completely divided. So it's not that different. Oh, nice, dude. I like that. Just a dirty, sweaty hand. Oh, man. So I wash my hands before this.

You can't. I'm sorry. Was that disgusting? No, no. I love it. I haven't washed my hands since 1989. You can't make me laugh when I'm making a fucking drink. I'm just telling the truth. Dude, I know. 1989, good year. Oh, that's enough. We got enough of that. I'm legitimately fucking drunk. I'm still green here. I'm drinking the Toxic Avenger over here. You don't like it? Oh, cookies. What's this? Whose birthday is it?

You guys want some cookies? Yes! Let's chew. That's great for audio. Happy birthday. This is for the beacon. Congratulations. Oh, thank you. I'll do a cookie. What the hell? You know you want one. I saw the photo of you with your family in the gruner. I said, first thought was that is really sweet. Second thought is that's got to be hell. I know. I was like,

That's the thing. I have the same thing with my family where I'm so grateful they come to shows. It means the world to me that my parents, but like, holy shit, they've come when I did Fallon. They come when I do Colbert. And it's like, it's so meaningful, but at the same time, you're like, man, it's very stressful. I've told my family already, I'm going to put a special on YouTube, kind of like you guys did.

And I'm just going to do it at New York Comedy Club because I'm like, I just want to get it out. I want to get the material out. But I told my family, like, you can't come. Yeah. I don't want you to come. And I don't mean to be disrespectful. Like, it just adds a level of pressure that is not necessary. Agreed. So I'm not going to do it. Thank you, Sam. I think that's the move. So I'm not going to do it. This is a fucking great cookie. A little stale, but great. I'm drunk. I'm okay with a stale cookie. I don't mind. Yeah, especially with the booze cooking. I like these.

Whatever the hell these are called, I'm a big fan. I don't know. They're thin, so you don't feel like they're as bad for you, but they're delightful. I like a crunchy cookie. Get a cookie. Hey, I'll tell you. Here, split it with me. Split it with me. All right, all right. You want half of this? Nah, I hate those. I hate it, too. It's too gay. It's like the pride flag. What'd you eat today, Mark? Anything good? No, I eat a lot. No, I try to... I ate oatmeal, and that was it. I came here.

Mark doesn't eat much. What do you eat? Oh, we had a sandwich. We had an egg sandwich and then I had a turkey sandwich. I'm a boring eater. How do you guys stay so thin? Do you just eat right? You're thin too. No, I'm not. I'm 240. What? Really? Boy, you hide it well. Where do you put it? I know. That's what I'm saying. It's all about the angles. Woo! Ha ha ha.

I drop martini on the city. No, I normally eat more exciting than that. On the road, I try to go to good restaurants because I want to at least feel the city. You won't eat like Domino's or anything? Nah. Well, I'll never eat Domino's because we live in New York fucking city where I can eat great pizza on any corner. Why would I eat Domino's when we can get better slice than any corner, man? Oh, it's true. But I'm saying if you're in a bullshit city.

No, I won't eat pizza on the road unless they've got a good road pizza spot. Like if I'm in New Haven, Connecticut, I'll eat pizza. You don't ever like hate yourself after a sentence and just get Pizza Hut or something? I've done that. I've done it, but it's like I usually will like... Panda Express, bring it on. Yeah, yeah. Stop the Asian hate. Exactly. Hear, hear. Is that real? Let's talk about it. Asian hate.

Imagine I go into it. Let's talk about The Rock. He's a transphobe. Yeah, I guess I don't really, I don't know. No, because you guys have always been thin. Since I've known you, my whole, I've known you since 2000. I've known both you guys since like 12 years now. You guys, we're like significant parts of each other's lives.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's wild. I've known you for so long. To know somebody for 12, 13 years, you know, like and to like someone for that whole time. How insane. I know how like how insane that is. I know. We may not see each other all the time, but it's like the fact that like we very well could be in each other's lives for like 30 years. That's why I invited everybody to the wedding because I'm like, I've seen all these motherfuckers grow kids, no kids, marriage. Who's somebody? Who's somebody? If you just fucking say it, we're drunk. Who's somebody that just missed the cut? Yeah.

Come on, Mark. All right, Cosby. He can take my place. No, because I'll put him at my table. I'll just watch my drinks. That's the first time I'll ever be in New Orleans is for your wedding. What? You've never been? Never been there, man. Dude, get there early and do the tour. You like history. Me and my girl plan on getting there three, four days before. What's the date again, Mark?

Alright. Do we bleep that? I don't know. I heard that's a good time to do it because it's not so oppressively hot. It's the best month of New Orleans. Have you tried these olives, by the way? Oh, yeah. What do they have? Blue cheese in them or something? Yeah, dude. Yeah, it's great. Do they really?

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Oh, yeah.

And then I discovered Fannable. Fannable has tickets to everything. There's no fees. The price you see is the price you pay. I mean, that's pretty big, honestly. Not only are those prices transparent, but they're almost always lower than anywhere else I look. And for any hot ticket like Coachella, a Laker game, or Dave Chappelle, Fannable is always the cheapest option. Nobody goes to live events anymore, so why buy tickets alone? Fannable, although if you do come to a show alone, there's nothing wrong with that, honestly. I love that.

Oh yeah. Someone tweeted me about that the other day. They're like, I want to, is it weird? My friends bail. Is it weird if I come alone? I said, no dude, enjoy yourself. And you know what? The guy made new friends at the show. He tweeted me afterwards. I sat with these guys and they were tweeting me too. So you end up having a great time no matter what. Um,

I called you March.

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Get on it!

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I shave with the lawnmower. It's good stuff. It gets it in tight. I keep it in my travel bag. I just, whatever I need it, it's all there. You got the Crop Preserver, Crop Reviver. You got the Lawnmower 4.0. It's got a light on it, for Christ's sakes. I love this thing. You love it. They even have a travel bag I still use. Boxer briefs are great.

And the Ultra Premium Body Wash is great for Manscaped. Love Manscaped. I used to use their shampoo and conditioner, if I'm being honest. Do you? Oh, yeah. Today, that's where this fucking load of bird's nest came from. But, yeah. Get on it, folks.

Yeah, I got some of that shampoo in my shower too. Hey, whether your resolution is to work out more or to travel to new places, be sure to travel to manscaped.com for our exclusive offer of 20% off plus free shipping with the code DRUNK. That's 20% off and free shipping with the code DRUNK at manscaped.com.

One last time, sorry, I've been drinking. 20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com. Use the code DRUNK. It's the new year. No pubes in 2022 with Manscaped. Support the show and get 20% off on free shipping with the code DRUNK at manscaped.com. Hell yeah, get on it, man. It'll look better and smell better. I only fuck with blue cheeve or jalapeno olives, dude. I like it, dude. What about a regular olive?

I'll do an olive. All right. I don't know why I said it so defiantly. My cousin used to put olives on her fingers, on her fingertips, and dip them all in mayonnaise, and she used to eat them. And one time she puked so hard, they started coming out of her nose. Wow. Your cousin Honey Boo Boo? Yeah. Yeah, my cousin. Dude. Yeah, dude, I'm excited to go to...

to New Orleans because, you know, love and history, and I love, I've just never really been to like the deep, deep south. Like I've been to Nashville and Florida, but like New Orleans is like the south. You do the road. Yeah, you got that right. Yeah, but there's no road in New Orleans, right? Like where can we play in Louisiana? They have Harrah's, I guess. There's Harrah's, but there's a couple little theaters there. Harrah's the casino? Yeah. You've done it? No, I haven't done it, but big comics go there. I guess. What's the big, what is it, 2000 Cedar or something? No.

Not even. It's like a little improv in the Harris. Really? Yeah, but no one does it. It's like... I saw Dat Fan there once in 19... I opened for Dat Fan at Tulane when I was at Tulane. Oh, there you go. Yeah, I forgot. You went to... A lot of people went to Tulane, right? Jeslenik went there. Oh, Jeslenik. Because when I first started, it was...

It's interesting. When I first started, I had this complex or this insecurity because you guys are such like comedy historians. You know everybody's albums and all that stuff. And I remember feeling like insecure where I was like, I don't know much about the history of comedy. I've never been to New Orleans. All you guys were like doing like the same. Those are the two? No, no, no. Because everybody was from New Orleans. You went to Tulane. You, Sean Patton. That's three people. No, no.

I don't know. Chesley, Theo, all those. Jesleneck went to Tulane. Everybody was from New Orleans. And I was like, I'm a piece of shit. I thought you needed a passport to go over the Brooklyn Bridge. How do you think I felt? I come to New York. All you motherfuckers are New Yorkers. I was a fish out of water. Dude, I remember when you were a janitor. Remember when Mark was a janitor? You used to do it. Professor Toms on Second Ave. I did that show. And then we did the show you used to run with Harrison. I did that show for a while. What was that show? What was the name of that venue? Sage. Sage. Sage.

Yeah. And Harrison was like... I remember all these shows. Sage was a great fucking show. And he had another one on 2nd Avenue. What was that venue called? Bar 82. Bar 82. Bar 82. That's what... I should do the open mic in there and then stay for your guy's show with Harrison.

Harrison Greenbaum. It was hard to follow that baritone day. That was a great fucking show. Hell yeah. That's not even a venue anymore, right? Bar 82? No, no. Completely. I actually haven't walked by it in fucking ever. That was a good bar. Hell yeah, dude. I had a lot of fun at Bar 82. I used to be a physical therapist, so I would do physical therapy. I remember. We did some road gigs together back in the day. The three of us did one, remember? Which one? We did Mohegan Sun that one time. We did? All three of us? Yeah. Oh, with Amy.

No, it was us. I remember that. We were there with Amy. It was way long ago. Scott Robb was in the car with us. Like we were a triple headliner? Oh, Scott Robb, but he was doing the story on him. And we drove home that night. I don't remember that. Don't you remember Scott Robb doing that? I remember Scott Robb. Yeah, but I don't remember this gig. It was us three and Scott Robb in the car. I remember that. Yeah, and I think you were headlining because Esquire magazine was running. We were co-headlining and you were opening. I was opening. It was how long ago it was. What?

Yeah. Well, I got to the Beacon first, motherfuckers. But you guys will get to Radio City first. Dude, how about this? Hasan Minhaj texted me the other day. Shout out Hasan Minhaj. He's another guy I started comedy with. Hasan Minhaj and, dude, the very first television show I ever got to be a part of was Philosophy. And it was on MTV. Hasan was the host and fucking Kevin Barnett was...

was the panelist. Me and Kevin were the panelists. R.I.P. I miss Kevin so much. The great Kevin Barnett. I love Kevin Barnett. Would have been huge. But Hasan, this is what a beast fucking Hasan Minhaj is. He texts me last night. He goes, hey man, are you around to do a set February 25th to 27th? I'm doing some shows in New York. I said, I can't do 25 or 26. I'm on the road. But 27, just let me know the venue. And he writes back, Radio City. Wow.

You're doing a weekend at Radio City? He goes, yeah, I got five shows there. I was like, dude, you're throwing that around like it's an improv. Yeah. He's just doing five at Radio City, just banging them out. I was like- What is that? 20,000? No, 5,000. No, 6,000 seats in Radio City. So 30,000 seats. I bombed there once.

Did you bomb in Radio City? I opened for the MTV Music Awards at Radio City. How many shows are you doing? Five. So that's what I'm saying. It's 20,000. He's huge. I thought he'd do more than that. No, Hasan is... I think Hasan's going to do The Garden. Yeah, he's huge. If you're doing five shows in a 6,000-seater, that's 30,000. 30,000. Oh, that's bigger than The Garden, which is 20,000. He's huge. I'm not shocked at all that he's doing that. Crazy. He's big. That's my goal. I would...

That is my goal. If I could just get to do one, I didn't have to sell it out, one show at Madison Square Garden where I'm the headliner, that would be my goal. You'll get there. Yeah, you'll get there. I mean, the garden now feels like a funny bone in Albany. I mean, it's like Sebastian's doing 13 of them. Louie did 10. Burr did a couple. It's just Schumer did one or two or three or four. Did you open for there? Yeah. I had to follow Madonna. Fun fact.

She looked great, by the way. Yeah. Did she have the fake ass yet? Yes, she did. Best sex of my life. She's a fake ass? Oh, yeah. Pull up Madonna's ass. I mean, it's wild. Just pull her up. It's your home screen. It's like really big or something? Don't act like you have to Google it. This guy's acting like he has to Google it. Well, she's 68 years old, and she's got the ass of Khloe Kardashian. She's got the ass of my kid's grandmother. Look at that thing. Nice Puerto Rican ass. I'm good. I don't like those. Yeah, that's a little ridiculous. Hey, that was anti-Semitic.

Yeah. Can't eat after this guy. Look at that ass. Oh, wow. No, she didn't have that ass when I saw her, I got to say. That's a nice butt. But I think that, you know, because what I heard about Madison Square Garden is you don't really have to sell all those tickets because scalpers buy them immediately. Right away, scalpers buy the tickets. Book it, dude. That's right. Book the garden. Yeah.

Should the three of us do the garden like we did and get Scott Robb back? Shout out to Scott Robb, man. Great writer. Is he still with us? Yeah, yeah. He looked like a guy who could die any second. He lost a lot of weight. Did COVID kill him? No. No, he lost a lot of weight. He looks great. Oh, he did? Shout out Scott Robb. Great writer. Did that piece ever come out on you? I don't think so. No? I tried to kiss him on the lips. He touched his heart rate. I like Scott Robb. No, he...

He wrote a great book. He's written a few great books. I remember Scott Robb on that drive home was just a really cool, nice guy. Sweet kid. Good egg. Yeah, I like Scott Robb. He used to buy me diner meals and he was like, I don't know how you run around like this because he was a big guy. And I'd be like, ah, yeah. And he would get cabs everywhere because he didn't want to run.

So it was great for me. That's the thing, too, is like, you know, like just now, just recently, I think it's the same for all three of us, is we just the tickets are starting to come and the podcasting and all that. But it's like, you know, like people don't know, like, you know, from 2009 to like literally a year ago, it was slaving like hell, like like.

I mean, doing... I remember, dude, I used to go and... I went up... I was a physical therapist and I drove all the way to Delaware just to do five minutes in front of Mike Vecchione. He graciously gave me 20 bucks and then I drove all the way home and went right to my day job. Yeah. Sometimes I'll get messages from up-and-coming comics or whatever and be like, hey, I have a day job and it's just so hard. How did you do it? And I'm like...

Man, if you're already messaging me that, like you're never going to make it. Like I just was like, there's no excuses. I just want to make it so bad that I'm like, I'll just do. I drove all the way up to the Boston Comedy Festival. You're always a hustler, man. Thursday night. I'll never forget. Thursday night, 2012. Drove all the way up to the Boston Comedy Festival,

the first round to try to do five minutes just to get to the second round, which would be the next week. It's, you know, to win a bullshit prize, whatever, just do anything. I got immediately eliminated from the first round, like immediately. Do you remember who beat you? I drove Adam Newman. Oh,

That's hilarious. I just gave him chiropractic advice in L.A. Adam Newman? Where's Adam Newman? I miss Adam Newman. Easy Jews. Does he live in New York? He's in L.A. I miss Adam Newman. He's a nice guy. He was another guy. He was part of our whole circle. He was always a Carolina guy now. Yeah, no, he tweeted something how he needed a chiropractor in L.A. and I was like, good man. What are you going to physical therapy for?

I had two herniated discs in my neck. In your neck? Yeah. Shit, how'd that happen? Eating pussy. Yeah, I just ate a lot of pussy and it took a toll. It happens. They said you were the best ever and I was like, look, if this is the toll it takes, then I'm down. I swear to God, one guy, he came in when I was a physical therapist. He came in and he had a herniated disc. I think it was C5 or C6. That's what I got. That's mine. So this is funny. So C5, C6, he comes in and he's like,

he's like, you know, there's this big herniated disc, whatever. And my boss, this wasn't me, my boss who goes, he's like, you know, doing that. He's like, how do you think this happened? He goes, Oh,

He goes, I think it was lifting up my kid or maybe it was swinging a baseball bat. And then my boss says to him, he goes, you sure it wasn't going down on a woman? Really? And the guy goes, yeah, I think it was going down on a woman. Ha ha. You know, like whatever it was going down on a woman. He goes, well, historically, statistically, if you herniate C5 or C6, it's because you're sucking cock. Like just joking around. Like just a joke, whatever. Ha. And the guy goes, yeah, I am gay. Ha.

And he was like, okay, no problem. Like, you know, like, whatever. And I was like... And, like, the guy who said, yeah, I am gay, I was like...

It was a moment where it was laughed off, but I had the angle. He truly came out of the closet to us and was begging for help. I was like, that guy's fully gay. Yeah. I just was like, yeah. I was like, yikes. We were just... I mean, hey, whatever you want to do, but... Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Wow. We'll lay off your alternative lifestyle for a few weeks because we're trying to help you here. Dude, so... And that was Kevin Spacey. I know. One crazy physical therapy... Well, two crazy physical therapy stories I have. One...

This was 2011, maybe. Guy comes in.

back pain okay just back pain just generalized back pain so you know you learn all the tests to reproduce you know being a physical therapist is a lot of times people haven't come in with MRIs or x-rays yet so you have to try to reproduce their pain and then it kind of you work backwards to figure out how did this injury happen and then that can dictate how I treat you right so this guy came in with this generalized back pain I'm doing all the tests that I've learned and

and because there's even tests to know if somebody's faking it for like a workman's comp there's even tests that we learn how to do that to be like aha like you're lying and then you know we can you know we won't let you you know get away with that yeah and and um

And all these tests are like not working, like everything. I'm like, it's not workman's comp. It's not this, not that. What the hell is going on with this guy? So I was a licensed physical therapist, but I was new. So I call in my boss who's a 30-year professional. And I say, hey, Jim, I don't know what's going on with this guy. It's embarrassing, but can you come in and help? And he was like, absolutely, whatever. You're a new student, you're a new therapist. Yeah, I'll come in. So we go in. He did every test I did. He's like, okay.

can't figure it out so he says to me goes what's going on here sir he's like you know you just be honest with us like what's going on he goes i don't know man i hurt my back and he goes um okay he's like but is there something else like that's going on like any information would help us we want to help you get out of pain because he was in excruciating pain you believe me or you wanted some pills well at first that's where i was going i was like maybe this guy wants pills

So in the physical therapy office that I was working at at that time, there was also a medical, an orthopedist that had an MRI machine and an x-ray machine. So everybody was pretty close. So he says, you know what? Let's go get you an MRI. This way I can at least see the tissue and whatever. So we don't go into the MRI. That's another professional's job. The MRI or x-ray tech comes out and gets the doctor, the orthopedist immediately and comes over and he's like, blah, blah, blah. And we're like,

Something's like, maybe it's a tumor. I don't know. Like something was serious. So then my boss and this orthopedist are friendly. So they go over and they start laughing. They're looking at the picture. They're laughing. And I was like, the fuck? So they, the guy, my boss, Jimmy goes, Chris, come here, come here. This is like my second week on the job.

He goes, look at this. Look at this. It's a gerbil. No, I didn't know what it was. No, no. It wasn't that. It was a matchbox car. Wow. He was taking his kid's matchbox. This is a true story. He was taking his kid's matchbox cars and shoving them up his ass with condoms that would like, he was trying to like massage his prostate. Like it was the only way he could come. And he had gotten one of the matchbox cars lodged in his back and it was pushing on his lower like lumbar spine. Oh.

So we go in, we go in, and he goes... We go into the guy, and my boss says...

Listen, we got the MRI results and you have a matchbox car or what looks like a matchbox car, some type of item foreign object. We don't know the brand per se, but you're fucking weird. And the guy goes, I swear to God, the guy looks at it and goes, now how'd that get there? I'll never forget. He goes, now how'd that get there? That's great. And I was like, okay. And then the guy says, listen, it's no problem. Like my boss, you got to be professional. He goes, it's no problem at all.

And goes, but you know, you have to get that surgically removed. On top of that. My ass hurts listening to that. No, but on top of that, on top of that, my boss then, you know, says, you know, listen, can you just disrobe? So maybe I can get it out, you know. What? But when he disrobes, he sees he has a full like, like, like it almost his dick and balls look like purple. Oh.

Oh, my God. So we're like, what's happening now? So, you know, because now like the store- Multiple cars, traffic? Yeah. So he goes-

He goes, is that bad? And my boss says, that looks like a sexually transmitted disease. And he goes, oh, but I've only ever been with my wife. He's like, well, you might want to talk to your wife. And the guy goes, yeah, I got to talk to my wife. And then we're doing the exam. And then five minutes goes by. He goes, I've been having sex with prostitutes. Do you think that could be it? And then my boss is like, yeah, I'd say that's it. He goes, how can we keep this a secret? And then my boss says,

You know, there's, you know, it's client, you know, client privilege. Like, I'm not going to, we won't say anything. He goes, yeah, but I need medicine. I need medicine to get rid of this disease that I have. I think it wound up turning out he had like gonorrhea and chlamydia. Like, he was fucked. Yeah. So he says he was at that time one of, and this is way before the presidency, one of Donald Trump's lawyers. Whoa.

So he says to me, because I was two, three weeks onto the job, he says, hey, you're a young guy. I was single at the time. You're representing Stormy Daniels. Yeah. He goes, would you mind kind of putting this

STD medication in your name and then I'll come pick it up from your house I'll pay you a thousand dollars a week for you and so I so I was like now it was just me because my boss had left to go you know get a hot pack or whatever so he kind of what and I didn't know what to do I was 24 at the time a thousand dollars a week

Sounds pretty good. Pretty good. But I didn't know what to do. So in that moment, I kind of made a decision. I said, hold on, let me think about it. And I went out and it's the only time in my life I ratted. I ratted and I told... I know my father's like, you fucking rat. Yeah. I told my boss, I said, this is what happened. He goes...

He goes into him. He goes, get the fuck out of my office. Like they were friends, these people. He goes, get the fuck out of my office. He goes, you're going to do this to a young... He goes, this kid just got his license. You're going to ruin his entire life?

Because you want to fuck prostitutes? He goes... Get the fuck out of my office. I never want to see you again. Get the fuck out. And the guy wouldn't leave. And then my boss goes... You want me to call your wife right now and tell her what's going on? I have her number too. And the guy was like... Pull up his pants, whatever. And he goes...

He goes, you know, you could have like just ruined your whole career if you would have done that. He goes, you know, that's malpractice. That's, you know, code of ethics. You could have done everything, you know, ruined your whole life. And I said, I know, like, thank God. I was like, you know, and he was like, you know, you want to do this for 20 years. Like, you would have ruined your whole life. I was like, absolutely. About

10 days later, MTV called me. We're like, hey, we will offer you an overall deal if you quit physical therapy tomorrow. I went and I said, I fucking quit. I was like, I'm not doing it. And you called the guy's wife. Yeah, I was like, I'm not doing it. And I fucked the guy's wife. I was like, you want to get gonorrhea? I'll give you gonorrhea. Wow. Yeah, and then a woman came in

She had lower back pain. I'm sorry. She had tennis elbow, lateral epicondylitis, which they call tennis elbow, right? So she's got tennis elbow. Treating her for two... Hot, like 40-year-old divorcee. Hot. So she goes...

She goes, you know, coming in for the tennis elbow, treating her old is good. And then finally she comes in one day and she goes, the pain is like radiating to my lower back. I was like, that's not possible from tennis elbow. But, you know, she goes, but it's in my lower back. I was like, well, you got to go get like a script. You got to get a prescription from an orthopedist and they have to refer you and then we could treat your lower back pain. She's like, can you just be like...

Can you just like massage my lower back, please? Like, it's just like temporary. I was like, okay. So I start massaging her lower back and she goes, can you do a little lower? I'm already on like the top of her, like they're called like your sits bones. I'm like, which is like those like dimples that you see over like a person's like. Love the back dimples. Back dimples. So I'm right there. I'm massaging my thumbs or whatever. She goes, go a little lower. I was like, I was like, ma'am, that's like your butt. She's like, that's where the pain is. So I was like, okay. So then she goes, I'm massaging it for a little bit there. She goes lower. Ooh.

I was like, I was like, come on. Like, I was like, are you serious? She goes, you're 24, 25 years old. She was like, you don't want to massage a hot 40 year old's lower back. And I was like, I do. She was like, well then do it. And then I would start like going lower. I was like, you sure this is okay? She was like, I want you to do this.

And I was like, oh my God. She goes, does that door lock? I was like, I think it does. Jesus. I swear to God. I had a fucking boner through my khakis like you can't imagine. And she goes, just go lower. So I kept going lower and lower and lower. And then I got to like the top of her pussy, which was like soaked.

And she goes, stick your fingers in it. And I was like, oh, my God. And then I swear to God. Is this a penthouse forum? I don't believe this. I finger. I like put like my finger. I was like, this is crazy. So I put my fingers in her and she goes and she like grabbed my cock, which I said was rock hard. I remember I dockers khakis on and they were like ripping at the seams. Stain proof. Thank God. Yes. And she goes, just unzip it. So I unzipped it and my fucking boner just like popped out like beep.

like that and she sucked it four times i blew a load right times yeah like oh four strokes dude you know how hot that is yeah i just blew a load in her mouth wow she was like oh you're such a baby i was like don't say that and then she and then but i had better do that after than before i know i wind up having sex with her like three or four times in the room no no no like in later in life but i was like that was one of the craziest fucking stories hot older woman

And for the life of me, and this is a good thing, I cannot remember her. I remember her first name, not her last name. Wow. Yeah. Ladies, see how easy it is? It must be nice to be a gal. That's female privilege. Well, then I told my boss about that. Again, 30 years of experience. He goes, ah, your first one. I said, oh.

I said, my first one. He goes, that happens every six months in an office like this. I was like, really? He goes, yeah. He goes, a lot of times these women, you're helping them. You're giving them something, their husband, or if they're single that they don't get and you're helping them ease their pain. I was like, but isn't that wrong? He was like,

Yeah, it is. But he was like, fuck it. It's health care. Oh, I was like, okay. Yeah, it isn't sticking a fucking matchbox car up your ass wrong. Sure. We're here to help people, damn it. We're human beings, god damn it. Good for your gay's anatomy. Oh, yeah, dude. Gay. Gay's anatomy. Gay's anatomy is what I should name my special. That's a gay porn right there.

Man, what a story. That's hot. I'm turned on. It was hot shit, man. You put a lab coat on, a woman will do anything. Four sucks. That's the name of your next special, dude. Yeah. That's like one time I was like maybe 22, 23, walking down...

like sixth avenue ish like you know like that part of the west village kind of by the comedy seller where it's like i don't know where they even what like all the streets fucking intersect and i'm like i don't even know it was like around west fourth park it's not a grid anymore yeah i don't know what the hell was going on madness it was like may before car so i'm walking out i'm walking down the street and my boy was with me i'm walking down the street and it's like you know 10 o'clock at night summer night and

And, you know, way before comedy, I was in the city hanging out. And a woman comes out like, you know, didn't look homeless, didn't look crazy, nothing. She comes out of an apartment. She goes, I just need to suck somebody's dick. I have to suck. I swear to God. What is this? This feels like an MTV show. I swear to God. She goes, well, that's what I thought. Suck it or not. She goes, I just have to suck somebody's dick. I thought I was on Punk'd. Punk'd was popular at that time with Ashton Kutcher. She goes, I just need to suck somebody's dick. I was like.

I was just there. Me and my boy were just there. And she goes, you boys want to get your dick sucked? And I was like, we both were like, what?

She goes, come on. She takes a mask off as John Travolta. Yeah, yeah. I was like, yes. And then she literally got on her knees at 1030 at night on whatever street that was and sucked both of our dicks. Come on. Neither one of us came, but it was like two minutes, and then she walked away. There's eight guys booking a flight to New York right now. I know. You're going to save this economy. Yeah. It's true. What?

Yeah, those are like moments in my life where I'm like, was that real? Did that really just fucking happen? My virginity was like that. A lady was on the balcony flashing on Bourbon Street. We looked at her. We said, hi. She said, come up. And that was how I lost my virginity. That's fucking nuts. Every now and then.

But see, for a guy, this is like a godsend. For a woman, this is a victim moment. It's fascinating how different it is. Well, now I've gone to an age, I'm 37 now, and maybe I've had enough sex or enough sexual experiences in my life where now it's like, I know this sounds like,

and weird, but like I really like if I was single, like I really would like rather be with a woman because of her personality than her looks. I feel I'm getting old too. I'm 38 and I feel the comments are exploding right now. Yeah, like I get the fake tits. I get the fake ass. I know what a blowjob feels like. I know what it's like to have sex with a hot woman from every I get it. It's like, can I have a conversation with you? Like, do you want to talk about history? I like history and shit. Like, do you want to do that? It's fascinating. I mean, you have to be somewhat attractive. We're normal people.

Men and women trade places with age. When we're in our teens and 20s, it's like, I'll fuck anything. I'll fuck a blow-up doll. I'll fuck a dumpster, whatever it is. And then women are all like, I need a personality. And then women start getting horny at 30, whatever. And then men get a little more like, I need a person. I need to talk to somebody. They flip. It's fascinating. What I'm trying to say is we get older, we become better.

Yeah. Yeah. They turn into men. They get horny. They do. They just want to get casual sex. They're divorced. They're fucking ready to go. Well, you know, I'm with you, Chris. I mean, the older I get, it's like, yeah, it's that shit, the peace and the just chilling. Well, you have a good relationship with your girl because it's more of the personality. I mean, she's beautiful, but it's more of the personality based stuff. It's like so much in common. It's like, it's like, I get like, the thing is, is like, I get it. I know what it's like to have sex with beautiful. I get it. It's like,

If there's no connection, it's like, ah. And it also lasts 12 seconds. Yeah, I get it, dude. I'd rather jerk off. I'd rather fuck a guy that I'm really into. Am I gay? Same. Dude. What are you doing later? Maybe. You want to hang out? I'm doing Ari's show. Oh, I'll see you there. I'm going to fucking bomb. Do you have any stories prepared? I got nothing. I'm doing a very short story that I've been doing in my act.

See, his is punched out. Hey, is that fair? Is he allowed to do that? Yeah, the story's a story. All right. Is that fair? You mean being prepared? Is that fair? I'll allow it. How the fuck is he going to be shit-talking me because I fucking worked on my story? I'm not shit. I'm jealous. I'm like, I haven't thought of one yet. I'm going to heckle you, you fuck.

We're worried about ours. We're going to bomb up there. We've got to get Norman to Perkowitz. If I bomb with a prepared bid, that's even more embarrassing. At least you guys aren't. We've got to get Norman to Perkowitz. But let me just say, you went back. Your Adderall hasn't kicked in because we're all over the road here. I know. Sorry about that. We've got to talk about the fact that we're talking about the early stages, how horrible that was, how hard it was driving to Delaware for five bucks, five minutes, whatever it is. I don't know if I could do it again.

Could you do it again? The fact that we were in our 20s, you're drunk the whole time, you're ambitious, you're looking for adventure. It made it okay, but...

Knowing how hard it was, I don't know if I can do it again. Now I don't know if it's worse or better. I mean, it's better because of social media. Bittersweet. Because you can kind of blow up if you have a decent act on social media. But there's no shortcuts in stand-up. There's no shortcuts. But, dude, I'll say this. We might have been drawing earlier if we started now only because of social media. I agree with you. But our act might be stunted because you're just so focused on social media. I'm happy it took 12 years for us to start to sell tickets because now I know at the very least I'll give them a good show.

You know? Yeah. No, I think you're probably right. I just think, uh, I think it works both ways where, you know, well, how many people do you see putting out albums two years in and you're like, what are you doing now? You're just showing people how not good you are. You're just putting that out there. I think, I think what happened, what happens with, with,

must have happened with all of us to you know to get through whatever 10 12 years of this is I never stopped for a sec I never thought about how hard it was going to be to make it I never thought about same I just said I'm gonna and I never tried to do any tricks I never tried to do like oh maybe I'll get big because I'll you know I know the algorithm I never thought about that I said I want to get if I'm going to get big and popular I want it to be on the backbone of my jokes and

I want it to be on my bits. That's what I want. I don't want it to be on because I went viral because somebody hit me in the face with a watermelon. I don't want that. You know how we close our shows? Dude, fucking nail me with a watermelon tonight. I'll come. Well, you did it the right way. I mean, everyone respects you because of that. But I mean, it is definitely...

it's a slower rise, but I would hope we stay a little longer because of this. I think there's some people that... I don't know what just fell on you. What just fell on me? What the hell? An egg. Is my girl pregnant again? That's how strong Chris's sperm count is.

shot a load on it nine months but I think when like you know I remember it must have been like eight years ago Louie said something maybe it was less than eight maybe it was like five or six but like Louie said you don't want to do this you want to do this and I would think you want to hile

Yeah, man. I mean, shut up. I also think I didn't put like an album out. I mean, none of us put our shit out for a while. I still don't have an album out. What? I'm putting it out. Well, I got a special, but no album. I'm putting my first album out ever next year. Comedy Central didn't release that as an album, too? Why not? No.

I don't know. Smart man. They fuck you. Yeah, they fuck. I did my half hour special. I did my hour special and that's all I have. And they never gave you any audio on that? No. No, I'm going to do it for the first time next month and put it out in a month. But, but, but. We should all re-record our shit because Spotify is just.

raping us. Spotify pulled two of my albums. Did they pull your albums? Yeah, yeah. Spotify just... What do you mean pulled them? They're allowed to do that? I believe that this Rogan and Neil Young shit is a distraction from the fact that they don't pay their artists. They don't. They don't pay comics. You know why? I found out why. Because when you are a musician, you got to pay the writer, the performer, and whoever. A comic is all those things. So they'd have to pay us all those...

And they should. Yeah, but maybe there's like a new deal to be had where it's like a – I don't know because we should be getting paid for that. It's like some – we write all our own material like somebody who writes a script, they get paid on that. Yeah, of course. Like I'm writing a script, but I'm performing it. Well, that's why we're all doing nine podcasts. Exactly. Freaking cookies. They're getting drunk at noon. Dude, I'm fucking feeling great right now. Isn't that – dude, I'll tell you. That's a pretty good martini. No, honestly, dude, that – I feel like I'm a decent bartender here. No, you are. It's solid.

And I'm sorry I judged you immediately because I was like, there's no way that's going to taste good. And now it's like, dude, is that a gin or vodka? I can't tell. You asked for vodka, didn't you? I did, yeah. We killed half that bottle. We would never disrespect a guest. Dude. We're happy you're here. We're happy to have you. No, good to have you. Wait, hold on. Oh, I did a Gotham. I had like one Conan under my belt and maybe like a half hour or something, Comedy Central. And Gotham called and they said, will you do a panel and talk to young people?

up and coming comics. I was like, look, I'm nobody, but I'll do it. Every guy there was like, I work a day job. I have two dogs. There's no way I can do open mics. What do I do? Or how do I get an agent out of the gate? And you're like, the dogs are worse than the job because the dogs are like, are you going to get rid of the dogs? Right. And I was like, you're all, you're screwed. You're fucked. You're fucked. And I was like, do you want to do comedy? Yeah, I think I like comedy. You're out. You're already out.

If you're putting this shit in front of comedy, then it's not going to work. You got to love it. You got to love it. You got to want to do it. Well, that's the thing. It's not just comedy. It's like anything you want to do in life. Any audience member that's listening, whatever your goal is in life, just understand the money comes second. You have to put the passion first, and the money will always come second. I remember vividly I had mono. I had mono. Mononucleosis. I was maybe 12 years old. I had mono, and my mother had gout.

So we were both bedridden. Wow. Yeah, I remember I missed like two weeks of school and I was watching Oprah because my mother watches Oprah all the time and I was watching Oprah in the early 90s or mid 90s. And I was mono, dude. I was fucked up. And I remember Oprah did...

was doing some, you know, one of her talk shows. And she said that she goes, she goes and remember, she goes, remember that the money always comes second. The passion comes first. The money comes second. If you remember that you'll always be successful in life. And I remember being a little kid for, you know,

whatever fate, like those words just got like burned in my head. Yeah. And that's very true. Like now I can sit here and it's like, you know, I'm doing okay. Like my family has what they want. I have like stuff beyond my wildest dreams. And it's like, because the money came second. Exactly. I,

I was paying. I was losing money for the first seven years, but I didn't give a fuck because I wanted to do it. But you love doing that. I love doing it. That's what I'm saying. I enjoy watching you on stage a lot because you are very free and you're like, you don't give a shit in the best possible way. Like you give a shit, but you don't give a shit. And those are my favorite comics to watch where it's kind of like,

Unpredictable. Unpredictable, but also like Chris has levels to him where like he can go on drunk and be hilarious. He can go on...

And be tight and be hilarious. Like, you have levels to you. You're just a funny person. No, I appreciate it. And the key to you is you're vulnerable as hell. Very vulnerable. Especially guys like us, we rely on the act. We're jokey. You just open up up there. You let it all out, and that works. Well, because what happened for me is when I had, you know, I have two kids now. I have a six-year-old and a seven-month-old. But when I had my six-year-old, I realized, like, shit, like,

Not a negative way, not like in a I don't care, whatever, passive aggressive, but I kind of like in a spiritual way was like, I don't really care what anybody else thinks of me other than my children. If my children look at me and are happy with me and I'm doing a good job as their dad, that's all that matters. So I'll go on stage. Listen, I'm not a guy. None of us are guys.

I don't think you can be hateful and funny. There's no way Hitler was funny. You know what I mean? Right. So it's like when people get quote unquote canceled or... He'd be a real bummer if he was. Imagine he fucking ripped. Like Hitler, terrible person, but he's pretty witty. Yeah, I know. I know you're like going into the Holocaust. You're like, it was a good joke though. He fucking killed it. He's giving a speech, but thank you just for the weather. It's nice. That was funny.

But so I realized like, you know, like I'm not a hateful person, man. Like sometimes my jokes, like, you know, like I'll talk about race or this or that. I'm like, I'm just being, it's always coming from a place of what I want to be funny. So I kind of got over the fact of like, some people might get offended at that. Like, whatever, man. Like, you know, I do jokes about, I did a joke about a kid, one of my nephews who had a peanut allergy and all these things.

people who are parents of children with peanut allergies were attacking me being like you're a piece of shit like i hope your kids die and all that i'm like whatever man like i i

I don't want anyone with a peanut allergy to be affected negatively. I'm just making fun of my truth. Yeah. That's all I'm doing. They really do. Wow. They're really, and that's the problem with the internet is you react without thinking. Yeah. But I mean, what you're doing is you're trying to put something positive into the world. Your intent is pure. Yeah. And these are people who are like, I hope your kids die.

- Yeah. - Take a step back before you write that. Take a step back before you write that in print. - Exactly. You psycho. They just go off emotion. They just go off reaction and just type. It's bad news. - That's pure hatred. That's the irony. - Yes. - They're mad at you for they think you're being hateful.

It's vitriol. Yes. The best thing I ever did for my psyche, I guess, and I don't do this all the time because it's such an addicting thing, social media. It's just like cancer, like a cigarette. I really do think science will look at the internet and social media like

you know, in 50 years, like we look at like cigarettes, you know, how science looked at cigarettes. Now, like there used to be ads for cigarettes when we were children, there were ads promoting cigarettes. Like I think social media has got like that, you know, corrosive,

property to it. But the best thing I... Because there's no way around social media. We have to do it, right? And it works. We have to do it to sell tickets. What I do though now is I post the thing I need to post for the day and I do not look at the comments. I do not worry if it's bombing. I do not worry if it's not getting...

enough interaction I don't do it I say I made the decision to post this I stand by it whether it crushes or doesn't and I do not look at it again I don't care what you said it's so hard to do that though because as comics our job is to edit based on the response

So that's very difficult. I mean, like, our acts are like, oh, I don't care what you think. Well, then you're a bad comic. But with social media, I get what you're saying. It is a different thing. You kind of do have to stand behind stuff. It's going out to the world, not a comedy audience. Yeah, sure. So, yeah, it is different. But I get both of your points. You're both right. Well, no, I agree with him. I'm just saying it's interesting because it is, with what we do, it is a different thing. Yeah, because my whole thought has been, like, you know, having kids, I'm like...

What am I going to do? Sit here and obsess over comments or not? It's like, I got to feed my kid, man. Kid is number one. I got to push my kid in a swing. Like, I can't... I don't care what you have to say. Because also the truth is, is I believe, and this is again, not just comedy, you know, it...

to comment positively or negatively on anything is a psychotic kind of person like agreed 95% of people don't don't positive comments well positive is good we love you guys in the YouTube thank you well YouTube's different I mean like on Instagram it's like you know I comment on you guys like people I know like this is amazing whatever but it's like if I don't know you're a complete stranger to comment

Anything on me is like crazy where it's like even the people who message you and like, hey, you know, you've helped me through a tough time and blah, blah, blah. I appreciate that. No, no. I appreciate it. It's all beautiful. I appreciate it. I do appreciate it. But you have to understand like even that is a level of a mental – like you don't want to interact with that. You don't want to do that at all because –

Listen, the 1975 are a band that I love. They've helped me through breakups. They've helped me through. I love that band. I've never once. And I have, you know, Alex Edelman is a guy or a friend, a friend of the show. I'm sure Alex Edelman opens for them, knows them personally. Is that right? Yes. I've never once even messaged them, asked for anything because it's like it's psychotic. I don't know them. Right. Right.

If they somehow, if I found out somehow, oh, they heard this bit or that bit, okay, fine. But it's like, they're just helping me. I don't need you to know that. Right. But so it's like, it's this thing where I realized about the internet. But if they reached out to you, wouldn't you feel good? Oh, 100% I would. But they wouldn't because they, maybe their assistant would. They might. Well, that's the whole thing. But maybe they would. What if they're like, hey, I like your stuff. I think it's just a polite. They're people too. Hey, I loved your thing on that. Is that okay? Yeah.

Yeah, that would be cool, but they're also like an established band. You're an established comic. You did The Beacon. Not really. You know Kevin Spacey. Fuck you, dude. He fucked Travolta. Do you know how many stories this guy told? I know. This is the self-hatred. This is the guy who does Letterman and then goes right to the Village Lantern. I know. And you know what else I left out of that story? I ate 99 cents pizza.

I used to eat those all the time. That was good pizza, by the way. I used to eat those all the time. You think New York's coming back, by the way? I don't know if you talked about this before, but doesn't it feel alive again now? It does and it doesn't. It feels almost pre-2019. It feels almost 2019.

Almost. I don't know. I don't know about that. I wish. I want it to be that. He's a guy who's not taking the train. He's driving in. That's the problem. Are the trains empty? No, they're just shady. They're shady right now. It's like the 80s on the train. But that means, though, that it's going to come back. Yeah, yeah. I hope so. We're not going to live like this forever. Worst case, we get some good art out of this. Hey, man, think about all the good movies we got out of New York being a shithole. Taxi Driver. Hell yeah. Dog Day Afternoon. I hope you're right, but Hollywood sucks.

It's going to have to be some independent motherfucker on an iPhone. I watched Power of the Dog because of you. It's good. It's great. Great movie. Dude, it's $7.50. Holy shit. This show started 20 minutes ago. The show we're supposed to be on. Oh, really? Let me check. We're all popping into Ari Shaffir's secret storytelling show. Holy shit. And we might be fucking him, so we should probably wrap this episode up.

God, this episode come out. Uh, I'm not sure. Plug some days. Okay. Go to Chris D. Go to Chris D comedy.com. Um, I have a theater tour. Um, I have Cleveland, Detroit, Indianapolis, Denver, um, all these places. So just go, go check it out. Uh, Portland, Seattle. Um,

Um, it's really Las Vegas. Um, so go, go to chrisdcomedy.com. Um, if there's curtains up at some of the venues, it's cause I'm sponsored from blinds to go. It's not because I'm not selling tickets. Ah, you're doing fine. Thank you. I love you. All right. We'll jump in an Uber and get the hell over to that. I got my car. I'm going to drive. I'll drive. You want me to do it? We got a, I got Sacramento, San Diego. I don't know when this coming out to Orlando, West Palm, Columbus, uh, Salt Lake. Uh,

All that bull... The Beacon, hopefully, will sell out soon. And then we got fucking Toronto.

uh, something. Adam Sandler there. I don't know what else. Hey, hey, hey, me. Um, a bunch of other shits coming. Uh, Brea, uh, Houston, Dania Beach, a lot of shit. Oh, I'm doing that. Dania. You did that, Chris. You did the floor. I like Dania. Is it good? I had a good time in Dania, man. It's, uh, Fort Lauderdale is awesome. Oh,

A lot of shit's coming. It's samroll.com slash shows, but I'm adding by the day. Yeah, same here. MarkNormanComedy.com, all kinds of it. Fort Wayne, Indianapolis, La Jolla, Raleigh coming up. Not Vegas. Shit, Chicago. I've been drinking. So Mark Norman Comedy, out to lunch. Check out the Netflix. I hate myself.

Hey, babe. Chicago, too. I'm at Chicago. I'm going to shoot a special there. Oh, are you really? What venue? The Den. The Den. That's the cool spot. You're shooting another special on YouTube? Yeah. You see? Dude, you're a fucking monster. He puts it out. He's a machine. I mean, hey, man. All right. We'll see. We'll see. You heard it here first, folks. Thanks. Keep drinking. Patreon. Get on it. We got new merch. Check it out. Go gay. I love you. Praise Allah. We'll see you in hell. Trump 2024. Sunday's the day.

This woman doesn't look I remember. And I