Ep 65: I Donated
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We might be drunk, we might be drunk, as long as we are hanging out, you know we might be drunk. Raise a glass, let's talk shit, pep heaps, wrecks and a bit, maybe drunk, we might be drunk, yeah.

Hey, we're here. We're doing it, folks. We're about to have a nice drink midday. We might be drunk. This is it, folks. How are you? We're doing it, man. The day drinking, it's starting to hurt. Oh, yeah. I was never a day drinker before this podcast. I was always like, I called it a nightcap.

Oh, yeah. I like at the end of the night, it was kind of like helps you cruise right in a bit. I get a lot of like nighttime hangovers now. Yes, so do I. They're a bitch. They're a bitch. We got to perform. I know. You got to perform or you go, do I keep drinking? And then you're in that whole boat. Well, this helps the career. This ain't helping right here. No, no. But we're doing it for you, folks. We're doing it for you. We're hurting ourselves for you. We hope you're enjoying it. Literally. Yeah. Punishing our bodies for the fans at home. So get on board. This is like low-key jackass right here. Yeah.

Very low key. Yes, exactly. Yeah, I used to day drink a lot as a youth. Same. Well, when you're young, it's different. Yeah. And I was just an alcoholic. So I was just drink... I was day drinking and night drinking. Yeah. But yeah, big... I just love drinking in the sun. In the sun? I love it. What's your summer drink? Well, I mean, we would just go get a case of Natty Ice.

Not bragging. Awful. You do Milwaukee's best. I don't know why that was a go-to, but a lot of 40s when you're a kid, like OEs. Oh, yeah. There was something fun about holding a 40, too. Yes, exactly. You ever do Edward 40 hands? I never did it, but I've seen it. You'd make through a bottle cap of beer, I bet, with your urinary tract.

But yeah, that was hard because you had to drink them all. You couldn't piss until you... And then one kid, one of my friends was like, I can't take it. He smashed them both and then pulled his dick out. He got shards of glass in his hands. Let's get him to the ER. He circumcised himself. Thank God. Yeah. But yeah, day drinking. There's something about it. That's like, you ever drink on a beach? I'm not a big beach guy. I don't like the beach. I don't love it, but...

I'll do it once a year and I'll make a meal out of it. You know, you get the Mai Tai, you got the floral board shorts and the white cream on the nose and really drink it up. The beaches in New York are terrible. So you didn't grow up with the beach either. No. And they were right there. That's crazy.

That's crazy. They're not great beaches. I had to drive to Florida. It was five hours when I was a kid. Yeah, that's a lot. Oh, yeah. But we would make a weekend out of it. I mean, what do you go? Brighton? I've never even been to Brighton Beach. I kind of want to go just to try the Russian food. I do go to Coney Island once a year. Yeah. Yeah. But it's for rides. And you're a Brooklyn guy. It was right there.

Nothing. It's not close. No. No, it's not close. He grew up on a train. Yeah. All right, all right. It's so weird to take a train to a beach. It is. Not even a train, a subway. Yeah. Then you're vulnerable on the way back because you got your shorts on, the flip flops, you're tan, you're like burnt.

It's not a good look. You got your umbrella and you got the duck around you. I'm park over beach. All right. All right. I know that's not popular. Every woman on this fucking podcast. Women love beaches. They love the beach. What do you think that is? I'm used to it. No, what do you think it is about a woman that loves a beach?

They want to get undressed. They want to be sun-kissed. They like the waves. They like... It's romantic. The park is not really romantic. It can't be. The park is where you get... A jogger gets assaulted, you know? It's not really... Oh, there's a hobo shitting. It's not really... One of my defenses, people get assaulted on the beach. Ha ha ha!

No, but I'm with you. But there's something about, I don't know, like, you're right. It's the beach for women. It's almost like a bubble bath. Yes. If you're a man and you choose beach over park, it's kind of weird. Yeah. And park is great because there's no commitment. Beach is like, ah, I'm going to get sun on my ass. I'm going to get sand in my crack. It takes forever to get there. The park is so close. Yet the beach is sexy. Everything you just described is like sand in your crack. Your feet are sandy. But like Baywatch, there's no park Baywatch. Yeah.

Oh, that's Park Watch. We got to shoot it. There's the peeping Tom. There's the rat nest. Is that a raccoon? God damn it. Sandy Hook. That's when I pulled out of the sand. But yeah, we got to crack these. You said Sandy. I don't know. That's where my brain went. I donated. There we go.

That's the new, that's the new, I fuck up a joke. It's a new, I gave money to it. That's the save line. That's a good one. By the way, what are these ice cubes you got here? This is not equal opportunity. You got the big, nice round one. I got Brad Williams over here. You got Ralphie May. What the hell? This is just fresh right out of here? That's how you do it? So this is, someone sent this. It's the Negroni craft cocktail. The bottled craft cocktails are making, hey man, once our whiskey comes out. Ooh.

I say we do this, but with an old pal. Hey, I like it. I think we make the old pal. We do a push for that as our drink. That's our drink. I like it. We bring it back. Yeah. I'll tell you, paper planes are taking off. They're everywhere now. I hear the name, paper planes around. Yeah. We really hijacked that one. Hey.

Unlike Malaysia, you know where it's going. I don't know if that made sense. I donated. We'll call this one, I donated. So where were you this weekend? I was in Sacramento, California. I thought you did seven shows. I did see that. Sold out seven shows. Unreal. I love that room. Classic. I was talking, I had a couple great guys opening, Joey Avery and this guy, Daoud.

And they had some good points. They said the best clubs are either in a red state, blue dot. So like you're in the liberal part of the... Like Lexington, Kentucky. Exactly. Perfect example. Maybe Philly in Penn, Pennsylvania. That's like a...

You know, it's a, what's the word? Fuck. Why did I just go blank? Uh, Ohio, Florida, also swing state swing state. Yeah. Or like even, you know, Madison, Wisconsin. Right. Perfect. Perfect example. So those are fun or a town outside of the big town.

You know, like L.A., not great to headline, but Sacramento, great to headline. L.A., you don't think they're going to show up. Exactly. It's like you sell out a show in L.A., and it's like 60% of people show up, and you're like, we get it. There's too much in your mind to do. What is that in L.A.? Well, there's so many things to do, and they're such celebrity whores over there. They're star fuckers, and we're not really stars. So there's not a lot of like, I respect the arts in L.A. It's more like, hey, I've heard of that guy.

Right. What do tourists do at night in L.A.? I know, like, tourists here will go to Broadway or go to the improv or the comic store. You don't really do that in L.A. A little bit. Well, there's so many good restaurants. Is that what it is? Yeah, there's a big restaurant culture in L.A. I mean, what else? Well, I don't know about at night, but they do the Starz homes. That's big. That is fucking sad. Yeah.

What are you doing? And talk about creepy. You know, like, hey, you're looking into Burt Lancaster's house, you know, and some old lady lives there now, like, get out of here.

It's like, that's how they reboot Sunset Boulevard. It's some fucking weirdo who's looking at a star's home. Yeah, right. Then they got the Walk of Fame. Yeah. Then you got Man's Chinese Theater. You got the Tar Pits, whatever that is. You got a great Chinatown. Chinatown is there. Great Mexican food. Great. What are their nighttime activities? I'm always at a friend's house. I don't know. All I do is, yeah, I feel like they have bigger homes there than we do. We don't have people over in New York. Good point. I mean, in LA, you...

you go to each other's houses, I think. And you can go clubbing. They go clubbing. You know, it's like, this is Ashton Kutcher's club. You know, it's like, there's like a hot club every 10 minutes. It stinks. What a horrible, can you imagine, we're going clubbing. I mean, I,

I remember the last couple years I did shit like that. I was like, what am I doing? Even as a youth, I hated it. Same, same. Get me a dive bar. As Bill Hicks would say, under a beer light, I look pretty cool. Well, I'm not going to do it with a stare. I might win you over with a joke or some shit. I'm not going to go home with a woman based on being like,

Totally. Or dance moves. I'm like, at the club, it doesn't work. Everybody's doing blow in the bathroom. It's so loud. The bottle service. You feel like you can't afford anything. I hate clubs. You see people waiting in that line in the winter. And you're like, you should be in a mental hospital. Yes. You deserve to be put away. Like, if you're there for more, there should be a timer. If you're there for more than 20 minutes and it's 20 degrees or lower, you're in.

Just swoop them up, toss them in a van. They're never to be heard from again. Totally. That's Shutter Island 2 right there. We did it. Agreed. And half these people have GEDs. I'm like, you can stand out here in a fucking mini skirt in 12 degree weather. Go to school. This is very good. This strong? Yeah. Do you want to try it? Yeah. It's got a kick. And what is it called? Bene? What's the brand? We should give this a shout out. I think it's Homeschool Negroni made with small batch cheese.

I don't know what the actual brand name is. Chill on Ice Bounce Rocks. Negroni is one of the best cocktails. Oh, yeah. You can't do much better than a Negroni. You know what's in it? Sweet vermouth, Campari, and gin. Nice. There you go. I make them at home a lot. I mean, we did Ari's podcast recently, and...

He had the monkey 47 gin. That shit is, it's super expensive, but it's incredible. Yeah. I've never actually bought a bottle, but I, I've been around a lot of people who do. Yep. It's very nice. Very nice. Is he a finer things type of guy?

You know what? He's specific. Here's Ari. I went to his house. I showed up before you. He's got a record player going with the who on the blower, which was cool. And then he was making coffee in one of those beakers. So you're like, you're that guy. You know, he's swirling it and it goes in the funnel and all that. He's a hipster. That's exactly what he is. He's like... He's a hipster doofus. He's Kramer. But Kramer's act is better. Oh, my God. Just a later phase. Kramer was called the amazing racist, too.

He took the title. Um,

Sacramento is great. And that's such a weird club because it's a great room, but you're right next to a mattress shop. I know. And you know they've heard it all. Like, oh, I'm performing next to a mattress shop. Totally, totally. I had to make that joke as well. And it's just a cute, sleepy California town. Yeah. We played ping pong all day. Like one of the features, he's like, oh, my friend lives here. We're going to go meet him, have lunch, and play ping pong at his house. You go there. The bike's in the front lawn. The door's unlocked. Yeah.

It's a cute neighborhood. We played ping pong in his shed. It's just so California living. Then I checked the news. Snowstorm in New York. Everybody's bunkered down. It's ruined. The hobos are frozen outside. They're holding their dicks in the snow. How weird was that? I got the same reports, obviously. I'm in Baltimore. My show, it's cold, but it wasn't that. I mean, I took a walk on the water with my uncle, and you're like, oh, this is fucking cold. Oh.

Wow. What were you doing? A mob hit? I'm a consigliere. I was like, oh, just tell me what you need. I know we did that. And of course, you know, it snowed a little bit there. But New York, I'm watching like Chris DiStefano, Sal Volcano, Adrian Iapolucci. They're all like my show is canceled. And people are messaging me.

is your show still happening i'm like looking around i'm like yeah it's happening yeah right but there's some kind of community love with the new york snow i feel like the city comes together there's always that video of the one guy skiing on broadway you know there's something about it i love it that's great it's great the whole city comes together the after effects are sad though and it's just like the ice everywhere it is like it does have the feel of a hangover the slush the slush it's dirty it's

It's gross. You got to throw these on. Oh, I got the boots on. This is our first boot episode. Yeah, we're getting booted. Yeah, my lady. That was the...

The term, getting thrown out of a bar, the boot. Get the boot. That was a bar in New Orleans. Yes. Pull up the boot. It's weird to be called. It's weird to call the place the worst case scenario. Well, I think it was based on, it used to be a country bar. So it was like the boot, like big cowboy boot. But they had nickel shot night. They had quarter beer night. I mean, I would, I got thrown out of there. All you can drink. I think it was like five bucks all you can drink. Yes.

Push is like, college kids? Dude, this is a fucking mess. It's literally across the street from Tulane. Literally across the street. And that's it, yeah. I mean, I've spent so many nights there. Great pizza. Dino's Pizza next door. Big, big pizza. Like a slice this big. Look at that. Crawfish Fridays. Come on! This is bringing me right back home.

Yeah, I got thrown out of there once because I was 17 and all my friends were 18. So they went and they were like, you got to get in. I'm like, I can't. You can get in at 18? But back, yeah, back then you could. You could get in. I don't know if you could drink. What a weird thing to be allowed into a bar. Maybe I'm wrong. But you can't drink. Maybe I'm wrong. No, I think, I mean, some places must do that, right? Yeah, maybe. But maybe I was 20 or something and I couldn't get in. Either way, I was one year short. And,

I found a wristband. It was all about wristbands back then. I found a wristband on the ground. It was stepped on, peed on. I picked it up. I blew it off. You just look like you live strong. Ha ha.

I put it on with some gum, literally gum, and I clamped it together. And I walk in, the guy goes, you got your wristband? I go, come on, what am I, a fucking newbie? I gotcha. And it literally fell off as I lifted it up. Oh, no. And the guy grabbed me, slammed me against the wall, and then threw me out. Wow. And it was so embarrassing, and it hurt, and my nose was bleeding, and I was on the sidewalk like...

All right, I'm cool. I'm okay. And then I just had to wait for my friends. Damn. Good times. Good times. New Orleans is amazing. Oh, yeah. You just did a show there recently, right? I did the Howlin' Wolf. Yeah, my parents came out. How big a venue? It's like, I don't know, 400 seats. Why don't you go bigger there? You could probably sell at a huge venue there. Eh.

We did two of them. They gave us a good deal. And it's the first place I ever did comedy. So it was like some kind of sentimental bullshit. Sweet. Yeah, but it was so New Orleans. The first show was amazing. It was like the best night of my life. I got my mom a standing O. And then the second show was like, you suck. Remember in high school when you got pantsed, you pussy? It's good to be humble. I'm right back to life. It is good every once in a while. I was really starting at Tulane when I did comedy. I remember Bill Burr was like...

I kind of weaseled my way in to the... I was like, I'm a comic. I had a bringer tape from Caroline's. It might have been a VHS. That's how long ago. Maybe it was a DVD. And I remember I was like, can I just open for whoever you bring? And they said, it's Dat Fan. I was like, please, I'll do anything. Yeah. 500...

Wow. I went up and I had a great set. I killed. They were like mediocre college jokes. It's like, you know, when you're with your guys at a bar, they're all dumb jokes, but they hit. And I think when they said this guy's a Tulane student, everyone was like, they actually were pretty cheering me on. Hell yeah. And then the people who booked the comics were like, you can help book the comics. So they're like, who should come down? And I remember I said, bring Bill Burr down. Wow.

And they brought him down. I got to open for him. And at what year are we talking? I was probably 19. But so what 19 means? 2006. So even at 2006, Bill Burr was not a huge comedian. I thought he was great. He had already done the Philly rant. Oh, he had? Okay. I'd seen him at the comic strip. I thought he was such a great comic. What a purist. You could have brought any big hot shot. Exactly.

Get David Brenner out here. Well, it was weird because, you know, it was like a big, huge theater, probably 1,200-seater, and Bill wasn't as big as he is now. Yeah. And I'd say like 100 people showed up in it, and they were scattered, and he kept making jokes about it, and he made it hilarious. Oh. And he was so nice. I remember it was like the week...

that forgot what's the name of the yankee reliever who flew a helicopter into that building in midtown yes you can look it up but i remember uh it was like the day it was maybe the day or the day after that happened and bill was like did you hear about that and i was like yeah but you're a red sox fan right and he goes not that big a red sox fan wow if i was bill i would be there it is was cory cory lidle yeah good player yeah

If I was Bill, I would be forever indebted to you. What? You brought me down to that college. No, are you kidding? I was indebted to him. What are you talking about? I don't know, but now you're a real estate comedian. You know what's crazy? We were on Conan together. I think it was like 10 years later we were on Conan together. That's wild. And he didn't remember, obviously. What? That would be my first. Hey, remember Tulane? I got in. I mean, I'm sure he was doing gigs. That's true. He was working. Think about how many comics you work with.

Yeah. He gave me like, I think I remember that, but I was like, I don't, I think he was being polite. We do so many gigs and you get drunk. Look at this. Doesn't Burr fly helicopters? Oh, don't even put that fucking energy into the world. Connection. Don't even put that energy into the world. Haha.

My uncle flies helicopters too. I was in Baltimore and he's like one of those like just does everything guys. He's a doctor at Johns Hopkins. He flies a helicopter. Your family is very impressive by the way. I know. It's fucking brutal. I know. It's rough for you. I know it's rough because I'm like, you know. He's on TV. Yeah, I'm on TV but you try sitting at that dinner table. He had a WGN show. MSG. All right, MSG. WGN would have maybe been bigger I think. Yeah.

I think that's multi-state. MSG is tri-state. Yeah.

What are you going to do? Try it hard. I went to a Tulane show because I was getting into comedy. It was in the quad. It was like 20 seats. Yeah, I remember. It was Christian Finnegan, Joe DeRosa, and Chuck Nice, I think was the lineup. DeRosa, we might be drunk alum. Yeah, exactly. I should have told him that when he was here. I forgot. But I only remember his joke about being adopted. Everybody was great. One of the best jokes ever. But yeah, that stuck with me.

What was the joke, if you remember? He said, you know, people always ask him when he's here adopted, do you ever try to find your real parents? And I said, no, you know, I took the hint, actually. It's a great joke. Great joke. And I saw that in 07 or whatever that was. Yeah, I opened for Tay Alexander as well there. Another great one. Another great one. He was awesome. He had a great opening line. It was a year after Katrina. It was right after Katrina. And he goes, ever since I, this is opening line, crushed.

Ever since I heard what happened with the hurricane, I've been dying to get down here. Whatever it takes, I'll get down here. And then he paused. He goes, it's been a year now. Huge pop. He had that great joke, too. He's like, what's up with these natural disasters? I can't. It's like mudslides, hurricanes. There's another one.

Oh, yeah. Hurricanes, mudslides. Is this a natural disaster or is this the TGI Friday drink menu? And you're like, oh, how did we all miss that? That's great. Hurricane, mudslide, there's another one. Yeah. Car bomb? I can't remember. Something like that, yeah. I saw that you were playing the Deep South. I saw it on your Instagram. You posted. Alabama. Alabama. Yeah. You posted something saying you're looking for someone to shoot 4K for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. More like 3Ks. No one down there. Oh.

I stepped on your line, Mark. You knew it. 3K? Did we lose that? Yeah. That was pretty good. Mark, hold on. I'm going to reset it. Hey, Matt, I'm going to reset the joke. Oh, we can't redo it. I stepped all over it. I thought you were setting me up. I am. Oh. Well, now we have to lose it, Peter. All right, all right. So I hear you're looking for someone to shoot 4K. Should we do it again? Because you're laughing. All right, too soon. So I hear you're playing the Deep South.

Alabama. And I saw on your IG, you posted you're looking for someone to shoot 4K video. Yeah. I don't think they really do that down there. No, they do 3Ks. There it is. All right. Thanks, guys. Comedy. He has to get his fucking catchphrase in. This is some dead air. This is his getter done. He can't.

He can't just tell a joke anymore. He's got to push merch. I see people in the front row of my shows in a comedy shirt. Oh, really? I have a joke about wearing your belief on your shirt, and mid-joke, a guy points to his shirt, and I was like, I see you. That's great. I see you, dude.

All right. Keep wearing that merch. But yeah, I'm getting my ass kicked at shows because I'm like, I do the dramatic pause to set up a punchline and some asshole goes, comedy right in the middle of it. The silence. And I'm like, you're killing me, man. I know you're trying to be supportive, but your timing's horrible. They want a moment. I know. And they wait. They snipe right in that silence. Another great Ted Alexandro joke is not an album or anything. I remember we did a show. It was the day that

Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson died and Ted opened the show goes man what a day and people were like Shaq to the Cavs can you believe it huge pop god he's good great misdirect such a pro yeah Ted Alexandro if you don't know him you should he's got like six specials and a couple half hours he's out there folks you can find him give him a goog

yeah we loved you you had good taste back then even you knew the guys well you did too didn't you not like i don't think i knew as well as you i was definitely deceived by hacks too i mean they were like there were comics i knew were great like ted and bill but um i remember i brought up ted or bill burstard like who else came down here and i said alexandro and he goes oh he's a great comic oh oh wow so it was nice that they all you know were in that world back then but uh

No, I was seduced by hacks like anyone is. I remember seeing comics like, you know, walk a room and being like, whoa, rock and roll. Meanwhile, you're like, no, the point is to entertain people, not to burn a hole. That's a last resort. Right, right. Completely. But you, I feel like living in New York, you saw Dave Attell at Caroline's. We weren't super young. I only knew Dave Attell as a New Orleanian from Insomniac.

So I was, you know, restricted a little bit to TV. You were the guy from Night Court, right? Harry Anderson. Yeah, yeah. He was a New Orleans guy. Yeah, he lived there and I think he eventually died. He passed away. But he was such a bad drunk. He had a bar in the corridor, but he would wake up on people's lawns. That'll do it. Yeah. Like,

It was like a cool... Oh, man, the guy from Night Court loves New Orleans. How great is that? Like, a couple celebrities fall in love with New Orleans and never leave. Like, John Goodman bought a house, and Brad Pitt bought a house. But Harry Anderson went all in, bought a bar, crazy drunk, and he became, like, the town nuisance. Yeah.

That's the show. That's the show. That's the show. He's got a guy like, Harry, here's the show. You know how you fell down the other night? We're thinking three cameras, CBS. What do you say? Yes, exactly. I'm sure he ended up at night court. Wow, Brian Denny. Have you ever seen Harry Anderson's Magic? No, I heard he's amazing. He's amazing. Do you want to watch? Yeah, let's see.

Are we allowed to show this, Peters? Hold on, hold on. Pause it. I feel like every podcast is showing this clip. You know, this is hack now. Look at that. Dressed like a 40s gangster. Yeah, what is this? The Big Heat? What the hell? He's like a swing guy. Do you like my suit? Yeah? Yeah, it's new. It's just like if Rick Moranis were going to rip you off. I'm going to punch him in the face, too. I love it.

This was TV, so much dead air. It's a different time. Can you imagine, like, trying to pull this off today? They would cut it up for time. Lady, you got a purse? You got money? Give her a hand, a big hand. Give her a hand. Seems like just our show on the road now. Yeah, right?

Watch him dazzle us in the next minute, though. Watch his turn around. Judy, I'm Harry, but then aren't we all, really? Judy, you got a bill? Trying. Any kind of bill will do. And I have your red pen. What you got there? Five? Five will do. Okay, take this pen. This Judy lady, she was the biggest gal in town for ten minutes after this. Everybody will recognize the bill if they ever see it again. You got one? Give me the bill. You can keep the pen. That's how I got it.

Okay, we got a bill with a big red X on it. He tore it in half. Oh, that's right. People are just listening to this. Yeah, yeah. Oh boy. Trying to fill it in. Oh, I thought people would watch. I mean, a lot of people watch, right? Yeah, yeah. Wait, he put the bill back together. I skipped ahead because I felt bad for all the people. You can't bring up a magic clip and then skip around. We have to follow the trick, Matt. Jesus. Man. Nice job, Google bitch. Just kidding, just kidding.

This is like a Dana Carvey character on SNL. I know, I know. A lot of people watch this, right? Peter, what's the percentage of people that watch this? I'm not good at percentages. Oh, jeez. Okay. It's our producer, folks. He's not good with numbers. Once, twice, over. Okay, he's folding the bill that was torn. He just yells out, the Jews will not replace us. Oh my God. Clean as

All right. This is a basic trick, though. I mean... Yeah, it's a street trick. I guess. I thought if you mixed it with comedy or something. All right. Is this SNL? Yeah. Wow, man. That's on Saturday Night Live? They haven't gotten much better. Sorry, guys. It'd be hilarious if he was just slamming, like, the hot chick of his day. Oh, I'm sure he had a couple of roadies. He wasn't banging the Kim Kardashian of his day. No, no, he wasn't Pete Dave. No. Hmm.

Harry Anderson dating cousin. That's the first thing that came up. Really? Well, Louisiana. His first trick was, is this your birth certificate? Let's get rid of that. Yeah.

Wow, Harry Anderson. R.I.P. R.I.P. The bar's still there. Harry's bar is still there. We haven't given him a hell of a pitch so far. No, no. We pull up his magic and we're like, eh. Anyway, he's got a bar. I remember Andy Dick.

was in the news, I don't know, two years ago before COVID. He went to Harry's bar, got drunk, made out with a guy. The guy wasn't looking for it. Then he punched Andy Dick and Andy Dick went to jail. Sounds like Tuesday, like every day for Andy Dick. This is my impression of Andy Dick's publicist.

Is it ever good news? I know, right? You ever lose your fucking keys? No. Is it ever an appearance in a show where you just do well and don't lick someone's face? Yeah. What happened to news radio? Remember we had a good run? That was a good show. Good show. Pull up the Andy Dick. I think TMZ covered it, but I just want to be...

I want to be made whole here. Just Andy Dick drunk in a bar. Someone give me a dollar. Not for a marker. I need a dollar really badly. Yeah. Yeah, I always wonder how these guys have money. How do they pay the bills, you know? He did a lot of stuff. I guess the residuals. Yeah, that's New Orleans. I don't know what street that is. Maybe Royal or who knows? Toulouse? Is this the camera Joe Mackey films his sets with? Oh, he just got walloped.

Oh, the guy dropped him. Yeah, you can't fuck around out there. That's a big dude, though. Yeah, that's not cool. No, no. And Andy Dick's a bit of a twink. That's a hate crime. That's fucked up. Yeah. And that's a big dude with a sucker punch on Andy Dick. Fuck that. Yeah, watch this. Here comes a haymaker. Bam!

Oh, he went down hard. The good news is he didn't feel it. Yeah, that's true. He's a shit-stirrer like Ari is, though. Poor guy. Yeah. He's a rabble-rouser. I think he's got stuff going on, though, too. Very funny guy. I mean, great comedic actor. The blowjob scene in old school. Oh, my God. He killed that. Yeah.

What a great movie. Todd Phillips. Todd Phillips. Todd, I heard you're making Joker 2. Here's my pitch for Joker 2. Joaquin just walks into a comedy club and then watches me do an hour special. Joker 2. What do you think? That's not bad. I like it. And then at the end, he's like, you know what? I'm going to give comedy another shot. Joker 3, perfectly set up. Beautiful.

Oh, wow. Look at this. That haircut is perfect. You got the same hair as Jillian Anderson from fucking X-Files. Yeah. Who's the girl in the red? She was a smoke show. Were you left to show this, Peters? I don't think so.

Okay. Oh, we got the banana. Yeah, this is a podcast. We shouldn't be doing too many clips. Sean Murphy has a great bit about how women take blowjob classes. He's like, that just shows how much nicer women are than men. I don't know any guy who's like, I'm going to an eating clam class. You know, a bunch of guys with oysters. Wow, that's good. That's a great bit. Damn. That's funny, man. Yeah, he's good. Check out Sean Murphy. He's around.

I think he's got an album out called Neil. Yeah, give him a real plug. He's Around is not a plug. I don't know what to say. He's Around. Sean with an S-H-A-W-N. The Real Irish Sean. Yeah.

But yeah. Yeah. Sacramento, though. Killer. Just one of those magic weekends. Every show was great. Sold out of merch. Great openers. Hot, hot shows. Got a little work done, too. Good times. Yeah. I was at McGuby's in Baltimore. It's Timonium, but, you know, stayed in Baltimore. Great. Man, I had a weird thing happen to me. Oh, please. In the hotel. I'm in the hotel room.

and it's late night, Baltimore. You're hearing gunshots, so I'm like, you know, Baltimore's still Baltimore. Like, I'm in a nice area, but like six blocks down, you're like, this is kind of shady still, right? It's on brand. And, I mean, that's what you want when you go to Baltimore, right? You want to hear a few gunshots. Yeah. But I'm in the room. It's like 2 a.m.,

My hotel phone rings. Never a good sign. Wow, never good. Anyone who needs to reach me, they've got my cell. Yeah, that's so true. We're good. When the phone rings, I'm like, what, at 2 a.m.? I pick up, I go, what? I'm angry. 2 a.m.?

I'm up, but I'm like, why are you calling me? And the guy goes, oh, wrong number. Shady. Casing the joint for chicks, maybe. Feel shady. Feel shady. Guess what happens 10 minutes later? My room door opens with a key. Someone has a key. Fuck out of here. I got my deadbolt on. I got my deadbolt on because I'm not a rookie. And that noise is no joke, that clunk clunk with the deadbolt. Oh, I'm fucking angry. Yeah. I'm angry. I go, what? What?

what the fuck i'm screaming i'm angry and the guy goes oh my mistake and i call the front desk what the fuck dude you gave a guy my room key and the guy goes it was a mistake sir i made a mistake i go is this some sort of fucking robbery you're trying to pull on me i said do you think there's some fucking do you think i'm some like rookie uh-oh this is like this is a robbery setup they know you're in town

Maybe have cash on you working a show? I don't think it's that. I think there's like... But that's where my mind's going. Very paranoid, you know? New Yorker. I don't get paid in cash. That's not what's happening. I'm not fucking... I'm not Cat Williams here. I think we talked about that. I'm not getting a suitcase after my show or in my case, an envelope. You're damn right you're not, Cat. He would be sitting at the door with a rifle. Just waiting. I had my mace. I was like, what, motherfucker? What? What?

But I was this close to going to the door with a mace and just spraying, saying, get some, motherfucker. That's why I'm a knife guy now. Put the fucking knife away, Matt. Easy. The Hawaiian shirt with the knife doesn't work. Yeah, who are you, Crocodile Dundee? I'm a knife guy now. Apparently. Yeah. You should be a knife guy, too. I'm not a knife guy. 2 a.m., knock on the door.

The maze is better than the knife. I'm a, I like throwing star. Yeah. I keep one in my boot. But wait, so the guy, the guy's a dick at the front desk. I'm like, Hey man, I get it. Like I didn't say this to him in my head. I'm like, I get it. Like it's a shit job. It's,

It's late at night. No one wants a night shift at a hotel in Baltimore. Graveyard. No one wants that shit. I get it. Like I work at night and I like my life. I can't imagine if I didn't like my job. You know what I mean? That's a tough, it's a tough gig. So the next day I kind of, you know, I'm pissed.

But I bring it up to the guy the next day. Next day, the guy couldn't have been nicer. They comped the night at the hotel. Oh, shit. They couldn't have been cooler. Same guy, different guy. Different guy. Of course. That guy that night was like, it happens, dude. That's why they put him on at 2 a.m. I hate to say it because he's got an attitude. You can't put that guy on during the day. Yeah. He'll get some Karen up his ass and just light him up. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, shit, but the shows were killer. J.P. McDade opened, crushed, great jokes, and great shows, man. Just like, I had a great time. What's the most charitable excuse for this guy's behavior? What could have gone on that? They claimed the guy had a similar name checking in to me. But to me, that's like, okay, but you know I'm in that room. So you're just giving him. They called up minutes earlier. That's why it's shady. Yeah, the call up is weird.

Sorry. I don't like that call up. And this is a nice place. It was nice. I wonder if he's in cahoots. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I don't like it. I don't know. My guess is he was trying to sell a room on

on the download to someone else. But why call? Nah, I think it was a mistake. It was just, I think it was a shady mistake is what I think. And I think it was just like, I'm not paying attention. Interesting. But I don't get how a guy's checking in with a similar name to me and you just give him, like, well, you see the room is taken. Yeah, exactly. Shady. I don't do the deadbolt. Now I will after hearing this story. You don't do the deadbolt? I never even think about it. You've never had a guy walking on you jacking off? No.

No, I leave it open. No, I've never had that. I mean, it's one thing when you pay for it, but when it's unexpected. I've had the lady go, hello, housekeeping. And I'm like, no, thank you. No, thank you. You're like, wait, keep saying housekeeping. Just keep the door closed, but keep saying it. And then she'll come in and I'll throw the covers on. And I'm like, ah.

Rabe! Rabe! Exactly. But I've never had the... What was with the watch? I don't know how to turn it off. I don't know how to... I set it once on accident. I can't fix it. It's a timex. You say on accident instead of by accident. Oh, yeah. What do you say? Well, it's on purpose and by accident. All right. Well, you say on purpose, on accident. You don't want to go by accident because it's not by purpose. I did that by accident. I did that on purpose. I'm unsexual. Yeah. Yeah.

What peeves you got going on? Oh, shit. Hold on. Let me pull up the old peeve. I got some fucking peeves, dude. Hit me with one while I get mine ready. I wrote so many down. I've got too many this week. Oh, please. I'm just like, because of this pod now, I write them down. That's what you got to do. You know what? Peeving me, and this might be too inside baseball.

The guy who hits you up going, you get the DM or the email from a rando, and it's like, hey, man, are you available on April 3rd? And I'm like, for what? Well, you don't answer that. You're too successful to answer that. Oh, I always go, yeah, sure. But then he's like, well, we got a three-ring circus. We need an opener. There's eight people. It's in Wuhan. I'm like, what? Ah, shit. How much does it pay?

It's $40, flight not included, and you need to clean up horse shit after the show. People think if you're available, you're just like, I'm in. But I'm like, what? You got to give me information. Don't just ask if I'm available. Ask if I'm available for this particular gig with this amount of money. For me, that doesn't bother me. It bothers me when it's like a friend. Because you don't have to do that. Sure. When it's a friend, they're like, Tom McCaffrey used to have a great bit about, they're like, what are you doing Wednesday? And you're like...

I need some help moving. You're like, oh, I actually have a doctor's appointment Wednesday. I'm like, oh, shit, I'm wrong. It was actually Thursday and Tom's turn was... He goes, the doctor just told me to come in whenever you have to move. Man, that's great. But, dude...

Yeah, it makes me the asking for the availability before the thing lead with a good thing. I mean, that should only be done if it's a really good thing. Yes. What are you doing Wednesday night? What's up? Nick's tickets. That's the only time it should never be a favor. Right. That way. That's a fucking that's trickery. That's trickery. Yes. So I'm just sitting there like, am I available? I am. But am I being dishonest? I'm like, oh, no. What the hell? But then now I go for what? And then put it on them.

But it's a bitch of a move. Are you available? Get out of here. It's the bait and switch of people. I know, because then if they go, are you available? And I go, for what? Oh, I got a gig for you. And I go...

Well, how much money is it? Then they go, geez, I thought you were an artist. You got an agent. You have like a power agent, Mark. What are you doing with this shit? I go under the table quite a bit. Mark's answering Facebook messages at 2 a.m. about gigs in fucking Singapore. Hey, I went to Philly last week. I'll go to Jersey. I'll go upstate. I'll go behind the agent's back all day long.

You're saying this on your podcast. Your reps listen to this, I'm sure. Yeah, they do. Well, I mean, it's like $250 here, $500 there. I mean, this is small potatoes. These are all lies. Mark is making much more money than this. It's peanuts. But I'm just saying, hey, look, we got our lives to live, too. What, are we going to just suck at the teat of William Morris all our lives? Come on. We got to mix it up.

Matt, we have more stuff to cut. Oh, no, no. What the hell are you doing, Mark? Sorry, sorry. This Negroni's getting me right where it hurts. You did seven shows in Sacramento. You're doing $200 gigs on the... This makes no sense. Well, sometimes I go, hey, I got 38 people who are willing to watch you. I'll give you $200. You can do an hour. A workout show. It's a workout show, so I can work it out. He just taped something. I hear that. That makes sense. I'm dying for new material. I'm floundering here. Yeah. So...

Yeah, it's just fun. You go to some saloon in Albany. Nah, that's too far. But you go to some saloon and wherever and you drive back that night. It's pretty great. Remember Phantom Power? Oh, I did it twice during the pandemic. There you go. Did you tell your agent? Yeah. Ah. They brought it to me. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, geez. Mine never heard of Phantom Power. They book me every week. What am I going to like? They're going to get me more money than if I did it. Oh, good point. Why wouldn't I do that? Oh, okay. Maybe I'll do it that way. Yeah.

You've got a power agency behind you and you're doing your own negotiating? Well, they got their, they'll give me seven shows of the sack punchline, but then this is, you know, I don't want to give them 20%. Oh, because you have a manager too. And an agent, yeah. 10%, 10%. I haven't had a manager in years.

They don't do shit. They really don't. Well, mine's pretty good, and I'm an idiot when it comes to... I had a Philly Amtrak, and I booked it myself. I was so proud of myself. I patted myself on the back. I gave myself a gold star. I get to the Amtrak at 6 p.m. The train's at 6.30. I booked a.m.,

So I had to pay a bunch of money to get it, and I lost my whole profit margin. Damn. So go inside baseball a little bit. What is a manager for specifically? What does your manager do for you? Organization mostly. Itinerary. They get the hotel shit going. They get the flights. They get it all going. But my manager. That's more annoying than anything. How'd you get on a 10 a.m. train then? Shouldn't your manager fix that for you? Because I booked it. I see. I was being shady. I see.

Karma, man. I guess so. Well, you know, the booking the flights, I used to have a manager do that and I'm like, I'm paying you 10% to book flights. Like you're still running the options by me. I can just book the flight. And then as for booking hotels, like, I don't know. My agents, they do all that. I don't see the value in a manager. I don't get like, I'd much rather spend money on

People editing together clips or shit like that. But you do have a good manager. I think most of them are, you know, whatever. I think my managers have gotten me stuff I wouldn't have gotten without. Well, that's different. That's different. That's what I'm saying. So it's case by case.

Sure. But an agent is really the one who gets you gigs, finds stuff, sets it up. Hey, you got to do this weekend. Hey, we got you HBO whatever. My agents do a lot for me. You got a great agent. Yeah, they're great. You're doing the beacon because your agent believed in you, which is huge. Well, I got to pee for you. All right, please. I went to see a doctor about my neck. I have these neck problems, these herniated discs, osteoarthritis, all this bullshit in my neck.

I'm seeing a guy and he doesn't speak great English. And the lack, I have no problem if you don't speak great English. I know you still probably know what you're doing. But the way he's saying shit is making me more anxious. Yeah.

Like, he's like, you have neck disease. And I was just like, I have a disease in my neck? He's like, no, not disease. I'm like, well, you said that. Yeah. He's like, what is the word I'm looking for? I'm like, you're the doctor. I don't fucking know. This is a bit. This is crazy. He's a medical professional. He can't get the words right. He passed the medical. Hold on. Let me get out a thesaurus for you, doctor. Yeah. What the hell? This ain't Uber driver. This is a doctor. I had a bad haircut because a guy had a language barrier and...

And that was, I cried over that. You don't want that on your kidney. Yeah, exactly, exactly.

Damn, that's bad. Yeah. And look. Stress me out. Foreigners are great doctors. You know, I walk in, I see an Indian guy, I go, thank God. Or a Chinese guy or whatever. We never talk about racism working positively. Positive racism is big. Yeah, but it's still kind of weird for an Indian guy to walk in and you go, yes. Thank God. Well, how do you think the high school basketball coach feels like, oh, the black guy showed up. Thank God.

We're in. We're going to make the playoffs. There's a story Charles Barkley told about Larry Bird cursing. He talked a lot of shit and he's cursing and Barkley's like, what the hell, man? He goes, you're disrespecting me, putting a white player on me. Larry Bird said that. Oh,

Wait, Larry Bird said that to Barkley? Yeah, because I guess it was the Sixers or the Suns. They were playing each other in whatever team Barkley was on at the time. I think it was the Sixers. And he goes, why are you putting a white defender on me? Oh, shit. Bird was pissed, being like, that's disrespect. Celtics? Yeah. Okay. That is a little disrespectful, yeah. But he's a hell of a player. Well, that's the point. He's like, I'm great. Why don't you put a black player on me? That was Larry Bird. Wow.

Pretty funny. And Larry Bird, I mean, legend. Oh, man. Hideous man. Not a handsome man. No, bad look. Kind of looks like an ostrich. Yeah, he does. He's a bird. He's a bird. So good, man. What is he? He's got to be Irish. Oh, I mean, if you're a Boston sports fan, that's like the dream. You're like a blonde Irish white guy. And for Boston, it's like the white hope. For sure. Yeah. What is he? 6'8", you think? 6'10". Wow. He was a fucking phenom, man.

He's from French Lick, Indiana. And he'll talk shit to anybody. He's a Hoosier? Yeah. How about that? Oh, dude, he was ridiculous. Ambidextrous. Look at these. Great passer. Oh, man. Great shooter. Do we have another great honky out there on the court? Right now? Yeah. Well, Steve Nash was great. Oh, Nash was great. He's a great white player right now, I'm trying to think. There are, but I can't think off the top of my head right now.

Yeah, I mean, we had Dirk Nowitzki. Oh, Dirk was incredible, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, Luka Doncic is great. Yeah, but I want an American. Yeah, I'm trying to think of an American white guy. Yeah, I mean, we got Tom Brady on the gridiron. Well, there's a lot of white quarterbacks. That's true. You have to look at this pass real quick. I have never seen anything like this. Two white quarterbacks in the Super Bowl.

That's right. You know, he was an insane passer. People compare him to, like, you know, to LeBron or LeBron to him or other. But I got I got a bunch of peeves, dude. I mean, if I get up, yeah, peeve me. See what else I got. I had another one in my head and I lost it. Oh, guy nearly walks into me on the street because he's crossing the street today reading, not looking at his phone, reading a book.

That's the time to read a fucking novella at an intersection. What the hell are you doing? At least be up-to-date rude. You're reading a fucking... Get a Kindle. Exactly. Or a phone. Well, yeah, that's what an audiobook is for when you're walking. You don't just do the book.

Yeah. While you're walking. Because texting, you can only do with a phone, so I get it. It's still rude, but I get it. But the book, come on, man. Maybe at the funeral, they can say, he died doing what he loved. He loved reading. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, he's also Amish, apparently. Come on. That's a beef. The walking and reading, I'm with you. I got another one for you. People who...

keep hitting the same button on the elevator you're not doing anything that's so true and you're just like if the buttons pressed dude you're right if it's door closed you can press it once but like it's not the clitoris dude take a break it's so true and the elevator is the last bastion maybe flights but the elbow is the last passion of like

I have to be with other people. They get off the floor before me. I just have to wait because everything is so, what's the word? Now, what's the cultivated? No, curated. Curated for us. We take our Uber. We got our Facebook. We got our profile. The elevator is like people get on, they get off. That's it. Small public space. Yes, yes.

Everything's kind of very personalized now. Like, this is how I do it. Get away from me. I got Uber Eats coming. You know, I got my order. I'm gluten-free. I'm this and that. The elevator is the last bastion of, like, this is all public. Anybody can get on, and anybody can go on any floor they want and hold you up, and that's just how it goes.

Yeah, for sure. There's something too, but you're right. Ubers. Dude, I had a cab driver talk to me the other night and I was like, oh shit, this is what we used to do. Yes. You forget about that, right? Exactly. And I'd rather talk to a cabbie than an Uber driver any day of the week. Oh, yeah. An Uber driver's like, you ever take an LA Uber driver and they're just like, will you read a scene with me? And you're like, what? Are you out of your fucking mind? Ha.

I want to hear you complain about the... I want to hear... New York cabbies are the best. Every sentence they say is like a fucking New York Post headline. Yeah. They're like, Den of Thieves. And you're like, what was that? Hell yeah. Bozo in Queens. Yeah. I think that's a Mulaney joke. Dude, I love...

I had a great New York cab driver the other day. You know, and we've talked about this spot before. I go yellow cab over Uber if I can help it every time because, you know, it's more New York. I love a yellow cab. It's quicker. The rhythm of the city. Yes. The city is not meant to be like waiting for 10 minutes. It's like a wave. You catch it. It's the energy. You don't even stop walking. I love it. I love the look of it. I love...

And they got done dirty by, you know, they weren't protected by the city. And like, that's part of the city. They should have protected New York. I know. And now they're all gone. And when you need one, you notice it. You're like, damn, I used to be able to get a cab any day of the week, any time of the day. And now it's like, catch as catch can with a cab. Yeah. I mean, you could watch the show Taxi and enjoy it, but just know that Judd Hirsch and all those characters, when they grew up and they got older, that medallion wasn't worth a shit. Yeah.

So that's a sad ending to that show, if you think about it. Totally. These guys would move here from all over the place and just be like, I got the medallion, and now it's worthless. I wasted my whole life getting this medallion.

Bullshit, man. Yeah, they should have done more. But you're so right. But you ever get in an Uber pool? You're like, this is weird. Not in a while. But yeah, I've done them a bunch back in the day. That's one of the... That's like an elevator where you're like, I don't know you. You don't know me. And you're like, oh, we used to be more communal. We used to be talking to strangers more and hanging out more and interacting more. And now everything is so...

Just personal. This is mine. This is yours. I've talked to guys who like hook up in Uber pools and I'm blown away. I'm like, that's almost like not cool. That's almost like a hostage situation where they're just like, yeah, I talked to a woman and we hit it off and the thing. And I'm just like, gee,

I mean, like, I would never have the balls to be in. The dating pool to make a show. Hey. Dating pool. I like it. That's not bad. Ben Bailey, he drags a cab. No, but there's something about it. Yeah, there is a show there. That's good. That's like tax cab confessions in a way. The woman in the car. Next. You just drop him off, pick up another guy. I have.

I had a... There was an LSU, Louisiana State University. There was a drunk bus because they didn't want everybody driving. So there was a drunk bus that if you didn't get a ride home, they would go around a bar after bar. And we would get on that drunk bus and it was the easiest place to hook up because we're all drunk. You got the young gal who lost her friends. I lost my friends. They were like, oh, what bar were you at? Oh, yeah. And then two minutes later, you're like...

Happened every time. It was super easy. And then you just get off at her place, and that's how I met my wife. How I Met Your Mother, the theme song that's played. Ba-da-da-da, da-da-da. All right. That was How I Met Your Father. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. It looks like dog shit. I know. Who says Hollywood's out of ideas? How I Met Your Mother. We flip it. That's the souls. Spider-Man 19. Who cares? I got an idea. Spider-Woman. Ha-ha.

Anybody? Spider-Woman? I guarantee it's coming. I guarantee it. But they're going to try to mix it up and be like, she's a beetle. Go the other way. Friends, enemies, book it. Yes! That's the show. Enemies is coming out.

That'd be a better show, maybe. It would be better. It's all Rappaport. What about, what else? What other shows would you do? Let's see. Saved by the Bell. Taxi? Uber. Yeah. There you go. Uh...

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I guess you just, I don't know. Cause now I guess like they don't really have the power. Cause I, I'm care more about the audience score for the most part. I agree. Although sometimes the audience gets it wrong.

True. I like some weird shit sometimes, but for sure, like, I don't know. Like, although I was looking up Rounders the other day on Rotten Tomatoes. It's got like 65% critics for it and like 89 audience. I'm like, oh, I'm with the audience, man. Same. I love Rounders. Love that movie. Great movie. But yeah, yeah. Like, who are these critics? How do they get paid? Who decides, like, you know your shit? It's not a great job anymore. I hope not. It's got to be a hard one. Good. I feel like they're worthless. Yeah.

I think the people can review. Critic going in for job opportunity. The guy's like, yeah, well, I found you to be lazy, wooden, and not very good. Review the critic. Great show, the critic. The critic was fucking amazing. So fucking stinks. Yes. That was like the cutaway before Family Guy. Yes, yes.

Every episode's on YouTube. James L. Brooks, I believe. It was. And Al Jean and Mike Reese from The Simpsons. One of the best pilots of all time. Oh, really? You can tell, man, a good pilot. Ooh. I got to go back and watch that pilot. Watch that shit. What other peeves? Uh, shit. Yeah, you got a peeve, Sally? Not yet. The wife bothering you? No. Kids? Did she make you mad? Not enough to kill? Got the knife. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

That's the next episode of We Might Be Drunk. She's dead, and Matt's like, you gotta trust me. It wasn't me who stabbed her. You confessed last episode before you did it, though. I don't know what it is about my lady, but somehow she'll start, she'll be like, and another thing, and I'll be like, oh, and I'll pause the show, and I want to listen, try to be respectful, and you're like, oh, yeah, that makes sense. Fuck that bitch. I'm totally with you. I think she's done. Play. Wait, I wasn't done. Oh, shit, okay. Oh, yeah, that's a good point. You make a good point there.

And I'll tell you this thing. You're like, come on. Get it all out in one burst. You ever watch a YouTube thing and it's not synced up properly? That's his girlfriend. Exactly. She's going...

Yeah, she's Asian. It's Kung Fu. We're synced up. I was watching that Jackie Chan movie, Police Story, the other day. What? The stunts are incredible. How'd that come up? You're just watching Jackie Chan? He's incredible, dude. I mean, I'm a fan, but...

I mean, he's incredible. I was watching Tarantino's favorite movies of the last 30 years. His top 20. And Supercop, the third one, was in it. So I was like, I'll watch all three. The third one? Well, the third one is apparently the craziest. I mean, the stunts are incredible. The problem with this movie is it's not good. The humor is just dog shit. It's weird as hell. It's not good. Jackie Chan is...

He's the man. On another level incredible. He's like a superhero. And he's so likable. Yes. You just love him. Yes, completely. I saw an interview with Jackie Chan once. By the way, he has to come up with all these. This is choreography as well. It's not just death-defying body movements. Yeah, he's the stunt coordinator too. Yeah. That guy's a beast. It's hilarious that he's just like the way we work out jokes. He's like car, lamp, backflip. Right. He's like a Buster Keaton almost. He is, yeah. But...

I saw him on an interview once and they were like, how do you do this to your body? And he goes, well, who am I? Who the fuck am I? You know, I'm just a character. I'm an actor. I can sacrifice my body for some good movie. And I remember being like, what a cool guy. He's like willing to push it for the movie. Everybody else is like, hey, I'm a...

special person. I need a, I need bubble wrap. He's like, nah, nah, who the fuck am I? I'm nobody. I'm just fucking around. Yeah, it must suck when you get older though because you see those outtakes when he misses a stunt and you're like, that has got to hurt the next day. But he handles it like a pro. He's always giggling. He's always smiling. There's a couple where I think he's in the hospital. There's a clip of him drunk as shit at some awards show. Really? Yeah, it's pretty funny to see him drunk as hell. Sally, look up Jackie Chan shit-faced. Ha ha.

Now we're talking. Here's a Jackie Chan gag reel. Oh, nice. Everybody loves Jackie Chan. He's so lovable. Lovable. I want to see failed stunts. That's what I'm looking for. All right. So Jackie Chan shit-faced? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jackie Chan shit-faced. Maybe just drunk is a better thing. I don't know. But it's... Drunk. Yeah. It's funny to see an amazing acrobatic guy just like that. Yeah. Yeah.

He's like if Bruce Lee... Maybe it got scrubbed. Well, he has six movies called Drunken Master, so it's going to be hard to sort it out. It's a drunk award show, maybe. There we go. There's one of Harrison Ford drunk at an award show. Oh, really? Yeah. I think we got a theme here. This should be a celebrity drunk segment. We should be doing this. That's a great idea. Drunk at an award. He's getting the Nickelodeon award there or the MTV one. It's not up there? You passed it already? What award? Was it Oscars? Was it Emmys? I don't know. He's pretty old. It was a few years ago.

Aha. He looks pretty hammered there. I don't know. Maybe it got scrubbed. I mean, he's pretty big. Oh, no. I wanted to see it. Is that it? No, this is him getting fucked up. Injuries. Damn. Ooh, I saw a leg break there. Oh, my God. Poor bastard. Oh, face to face. You ever clunk foreheads with a friend? It's the worst feeling of all time. Oh, my God, dude.

Jesus Christ. That leg snapped with the ankle. Look up Harrison Ford drunk award show. There's some drunk. Is he wearing the earring? Oh, you better believe it. That earring definitely hurts. That's when I lost all faith in Harrison Ford.

Because we're so into Han Solo and Indiana Jones. You see that ear and you're like, oh, come on, dude. Apparently he's a real dick at Comic-Con because they're like, Indiana. He's like, it's fake, you fucking losers. Get a life. Get laid. Go out and do something. Get laid.

I mean, Get Off My Plane is one of the greatest. Like, you can't tell me there's a funnier scene. Like, pure Americana. That was like when we respected the office of the president in the 90s. That's so true. You would never get a movie like that. Now, that was the 90s when no matter who was president, we're like, we accept this. Now both sides are like, fuck you. Yes. But the president is the hero. Can you imagine that now? Like, Trump, like, fuck you. That's hilarious.

Biden just like, ah, my fucking neck. Yeah. He's like, where are we? Whose plane is this? Pull up the last scene. Get off my plane. It's one of the funniest action scenes of all. Can we play this Peters or no?

Hold on, one thing at a time. Where's the drunk force? But it's not important. All right, all right. Get off my plane is big. That's fucking one of the funniest scenes of all time. I had this movie on VHS, Air Force One. Oh, you better believe it. I think Gary Oldman was the lead Russian bad guy. William H. Macy's in it. Oh, yeah. This is the last scene? Yeah, this is back when the leader of the free world was still... When we respected our president. We believed in him. Like a president could actually do this.

Fist fight a guy. Get off my plane. He's got to sit. He broke his neck. The music, too. That's hilarious. That's perfect. Imagine Jimmy Carter doing that. Dude, the peanut had a fucking left hook. The peanut. Maybe Obama could swing at a guy.

Yeah, I don't know. It's like that, though. Obama's good at basketball. He's like a finesse guy. He's not like a fucking... He's not going to do a slugfest. Maybe Prime McCain, but he was never president. Oh, yeah, yeah. Maybe Bush. He was a cokehead, Bush Jr. He probably got into a few bar fights. I don't know. He's a cheerleader, wasn't he? Yeah, they're fit. Some terrorists come on, he's doing backflips. Ha ha ha.

Give me an I. This was badass. Give me an S. I'll be honest, it was cool to see a president be able to sink three. That was hot. I got wet on that. That would be hilarious if they made Air Force One, but just like Trump and... I don't know. Biden would be funnier. Biden would be funnier. Yeah.

He's like, fuck, please. Every scene, he's like, I'm scared. Although Trump being like an attaché badass would be pretty hilarious. Like beating the shit out of people and then being like, loser. You could kind of redo that with a Trump-type president. If I'm elected, I'll bring back peanuts.

I do miss the peanuts. On the flights, you miss the peanuts? You get almonds now. Yeah, I like an almond. I'll take an almond over a peanut. But you know me, I hate the Biscoff. You're a Biscoff hater. And I hate a pretzel. My two biggest enemies are on the plane with me. How do you hate pretzels? I hate a pretzel. It's just dried cardboard...

carbohydrates with a couple of sprinkles of salt on it. Eh, it's a good snack. You don't like a pretzel? I like a pretzel. Ah. What about... You're being bamboozled. Well, give me a rec. All right. Now we're talking. Okay. Hang tight. Here we... Oh, my nose went to hell. I'll give you a rec first. All right, please. Pickles.

No. Oh, I just had one the other day. When are pickles... That's a great wreck. When are you not happy to see a pickle? That's a great wreck. I threw some sliced pickles on my shawarma the other day, my chicken shawarma. Game changer. I throw some on a burger. I'm thrilled. Yes. When are you not happy to see a pickle? Great wreck. Pickle even worked their way into the booze world with the pickle back. Yes. Pickles are fucking good, baby. What's your favorite episode of Rick and Morty? Pickle Rick. Ha ha.

pickles are fucking people love them love a pickle he's got the jar outside even sandler's going for it love it and they got a pickle and a bloody mary pickles are great love a pickle and a bloody mary you know what they're good at soaking up the booze a little bit they're right also a term for being drunk i'm pickled ah pickled eggs yeah yeah any food pickled any pickled vegetables damn good

Yeah, I agree. Sick Greg. I don't know what that means. That's your cat, Greg, right? Yeah, I don't know what that is. I wrote wreck, sick Greg. Your cat was sick? No, it wasn't even sick. I don't know. That's probably supposed to mean something.

Sorry, everybody. Well, we can't crack this code, Mark. No, I have no idea. How about a scarf? A good scarf? You ever throw on a good scarf? I'm not a scarf guy. I'm not either. You came up with that that quick? I saw a scarf on the TV. I don't like scarves. If I'm going to wear something around my neck, I get one of those like...

you know, things that just go all the way down. Oh, yeah. I like those better if it's that cold. What do you call that? It's kind of a name. What is it? A neck warmer. Yeah. It goes all the way over your head and hits the neck. I like those better. Scarf I always lose. Baklava? Baklava? That's a fucking Greek dessert. Baklava? Yeah, what are you talking about? Baklava?

What are you... Does that look like he just looks like a drunk relative right now in the shirt he's wearing? I'm sorry, but I'm right. You're right? No, not that. That's the one with that overhead thing. Yeah, no overhead. I just like the thing that goes just your neck. Ah. A baklava. Baklava. Baklava. I'm fucking it up now. Baklava. Okay. Hold on. I had a wreck. Oh, I got it. Turkey meat. Turkey meat.

Hold on. A turkey burger. He's grasping his straws now. Turkey burger. My pickle wasn't a home run either. No, no. Pickle's good. Hear me out here. Don't get the ground beef. Get the turkey meat. I'm talking like you mix it up. I made turkey meatballs today.

Incredible. Turkey. How do you prepare your turkey meatball? You just make them. You put them in the skillet or the oven. You don't season it? I'll season. I put some steak sauce. I have the steak seasoning on there. Very good. All right. But turkey meat is better than beef. He's Michelle Obama all of a sudden. He's trying to cure childhood obesity. Kids, get off the red meat. Turkey meat. I'm with you. I try to go for the leaner meat if it's available. Thank you.

Turkey meatball, because we're married to ground beef, but ground turkey is way better. It tastes better to me. It tastes better. It's leaner. It goes down easier. The beef sits in you. The after effect is better. Yes. It's like drinking a vodka soda versus one of these right here. Right. There's a little bit of sugar in here. Yeah. But yeah, turkey ground. Ground turkey.

Get on it, folks. That's good. All right. We turned it around a little. I made it today, so that's why I pulled it out of my ass. I don't know what sick Greg meant. I don't know either. You got a bit? I got a bit idea. Hold on. Let me look at it. Let's see what I got. A little bit action. Ground turkey. Get on it, folks. All right. Here's an idea. I saw...

I saw they're doing a documentary, I think it's on CBS, about the Holocaust called Undeniable. Undeniable. Like, why are we even placating these idiots? That's hilarious. Undeniable. That's like if you made a slavery doc, like, this was not at all cool. Don't try to tell me slavery was cool. Undeniable, dude. Undeniable. Damn. But that's not the main focus on this. I guess they're trying to hit nonbelievers, right? Yeah.

I don't know. I mean, why are you even opening this up to discussion? I agree. Here's the Holocaust. It was horrible. Let's watch it. They're focusing on the deniers. You're giving the deniers a seat at the table. That's the problem. What were the shut down titles? Seriously, guys, this did happen. Right. Yeah, this is the real deal. Whether you like it or not, this was a thing.

This was a thing. It's just hilarious to make it, to even include Holocaust deniers in your title. I'd be like, guys, it's not deniable. Yeah, that is wacky. Who did the marketing there? I don't know. Julianna Margulies is the host, I think. Jewish? I don't think so. Is she? I'll look it up. I think you'd get a Jew to host it. Well, they never do. They never get Jews to play Jews. That's true. Maybe she is. I don't know. I bet she's got something.

Hold on. She's a very attractive lady. Would you? Oh, would I? Come on. Let's see. Here we go. Come on, Jew. I'm hoping for a Jew. Let's see. I'm going to go with mom Jewish. She's got the clavicles. Early life. She's got the shoulders. New York. We're getting there. Her mother...

Mother's all that matters here. Jewish. I knew it. Thank God. Her parents were both Jewish. Oh, okay. Immigrants from Romania. Oh. Well, that's undeniable. What about the name, though? The name feels friendly. Margulies? Or something. Italian or something. Something's going on there. But yeah, all right. So she's a Jew. Thank God they got a Jewish person to rep this thing. But...

Yeah, yeah, you're right. Undeniable is a crazy name. You're right. You're putting them at the table. You're bringing them in. I think there's something here. Yeah, for sure. Undeniable. That's what you say about LeBron James. People always say that. You've got to be undeniable. You're going to be a comedian, you've got to be undeniable. But yeah, weird to say that about 6 million people getting genocided.

Yeah, I saw Whoopi Goldberg got in trouble for that shit on The View. What'd she say? She, the whole thing was like, it's not about, like, racism. It's not about race. She said it was white people killing white people. She said it's people, it's about, like, yeah, it was like, you know what the problem is? What does that matter? You know what the problem is? People are talking too much. Yes. So it's like, you get attention by being contrarian, and that's how these hosts...

Because I don't think she's anti-Semitic, Whoopi. I mean, I don't know her, but I don't... Her last name is Jewish. And her first name is Sex. I think she's probably... Oh, yeah, make Whoopi. You know, but I think people are just talking too much. Yeah, you're right. As I say as we get drunk on a three-hour podcast. Ground turkey! Ground turkey!

You got to do it. The only thing that's a problem is the need for content has kind of overtaken common sense. I think you're completely right. Because at a certain point, you do this long enough, you don't say something crazy. That's the person I'm kind of worried about. Well said.

That might be the angle of the bid. Whoopi's been around for fucking ever. I know, I know. And who made her in charge? She was just a comedian actress. And I don't think what she said was bigoted. I think it's just incorrect. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think it's like... Well, you've got to have an opinion on everything, and you can't go, I don't know. She's the host of a talk show, literally. It's called The View. It's not called The Truth.

Right. The view. Yeah. So. Show I've never watched anyway. I mean, it's like, who cares? What do you got for a bit? Well, that's the beauty of podcasts. You can go, oh, that's, I don't know about that and move on, but they have to have something to say. They have to have a soundbite. What, uh. So I'm with you. What do you got? All right. This joke's going to get weird, but I'd like to try it out. See what you guys think here. You just do it. Well, the Holocaust. Deniable, right? I got some problems with it. Um, uh.

This is a big idea here, so bear with me. Please, this is a half-baked... I'd love your input. You too, Peters. I'm trying to wake you up. All right.

So I'm doing this whole thing on immigration. And my grandparents are immigrants from Sicily. And all they would do is talk about how great America was. I feel like immigrants like America more than natives, like people born here. We don't give a shit. We don't think about it. We're just born here. We're spoiled. We don't know anything else. Yeah, exactly. So they're like...

The freedom, the opportunity, the American dream. And I'm just like, where's Uber Eats? What's going on? It's taking too long. All we do is the natives. All we do is bitch because we've had it so good. We were born here. They got here and they're like, this is amazing. And it almost feels like when I was a kid, my friend had this big house. He was like a spoiled kid. And they adopted a kid because they have so much money. We're going to adopt a kid. And the adopted kid was like an immigrant.

because he came into the family and he was like, this house is incredible. There's a fridge full of food. There's video game, big TV, air conditioning. And the other kid was like, I hate you, mom. And that's what it felt like. He was the American. Well, you Americans, he thinking about what he's losing. The immigrant thinking of all these gaining. Yes. Hey, that's good way to simplify. And so yada, yada, yada. And eventually he was like, I need money, dad. And my, and the guy's dad was like, why don't you go mow the lawn?

And he's like, I don't want to mow the lawn. And the adopted kid was like, I'll mow the lawn. And the kid was like, these adopted kids are taking our jobs. That's kind of the message there, the symbolism. It could be even funnier if he mows the lawn and the adopted kid does way better. Yeah.

Because it's hard to complain about a job that you turn down, right? Yes. It's almost funnier if he does and then the object, he's like, oh, that's how you mow the lawn. Then the object is like, I'll try it. And then he's like, he's fucking taking our job. Right. That's funny, yeah. All right, that's...

It's a big idea. It's a high concept. No, I think it works. I think it's something funny there for sure. All right. They're taking our jobs. They're taking our jobs. There's more there too. I mean, he's like, the idea of coming here and being grateful. I mean, adopted is similar to immigrant. You're in a shitty foster home. You come into a real home, a real family, and...

You know, my friend, he was kind of a cunt. He'd be like, isn't mom annoying? He was like, your mom's awesome. What are you talking about? And he's like, you don't get it. And he's like, you don't get it. Your mom's awesome. And it's kind of like America. Adopted is similar to, you know. To immigrant. You know, we're just like, everyone's racist. We're all fat and spoiled. But it's like, yeah, yeah, you are maybe. But the adopted kid, this kid was from Africa. And he was like, your mom's not racist. I'm here.

Something there. You never hear kids sneaking out of foster homes like, where are you going? I'm looking for a better life. Something like that. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Like, there's something here, though, for sure. Something here. We've been drinking. These pack a punch, by the way. Yeah. It's really strong. I had this much in it. I'm like, dizzy. Come on. Yeah, it's really strong. You've been quiet. Google bitch.

He gave himself that name. I'm just trying to call back to it. I don't want to be mean. But yeah, all right, all right. These adopted kids are taking on a job. What else do you say about immigrants that's like negative? They're dangerous. Yeah. Not me, but I mean, that's what people... That's what people say. That's what people have found on my phone. And what else? They don't appreciate America. They come in illegally. This is a big one. They're illegals. The main angle with the adoption and...

uh immigrant is that they're they appreciate yes their new life more yeah my grandparents would never shut up about america they were like america's amazing it's great you have no idea and i was like all right whatever can i watch tv now because i was young you know i didn't give a shit and that really cemented in me how much they loved it here oh think about what people in other countries do to vote they're going on like dirt roads or do whatever they can here we're like

The election was today? Yeah, we can't get that online. We can't get it going on the internet. We gotta go down there and wait in line. Yeah, there is... Maybe the adopted thing is the angle. Well, it's like America, people say we're the best and it's like, yeah, we are, but when you're the best, you raise a lot of shitty people. Yeah, good point. Because there's a lot of people that are just used to the best. Yeah, right. And then the people who love America are

They hate immigrants. But, like, most immigrants, like Phil Handley, our friend from Canada, is technically an immigrant. And he had to pass all these tests. He had to pay a bunch of money. He probably knows more about America than we do. I don't know anything about the Senate. You know, I've barely voted. I've voted, like, a couple times in my life. You're right. They do more...

They have to prove how much they love America to live here, basically. Yeah. Get a lawyer, paperwork. It's a whole thing. And same with adopted. We can just have a kid. We can have a kid on accident. By accident. By accident. Adopted kids have to, or people who want to adopt, they got to do all this fucking background check shit. How come that psycho can have a kid on accident and we got to do all this? It ain't right. It ain't right.

Maybe I'll add that in. Don't look at the screen. I'm going to ask you a question from the citizen. Okay, this is the citizen test? This is good. Don't do this. Now I want to be proven. What is the supreme law of the land? See? An immigrant has to take this test.

This is something. The supreme law of the land, don't murder? I don't fucking know. What is it? The Constitution. Oh, okay. Now you know. That was a layup, I guess. I didn't get it. I didn't get it, but yeah. What do we call the first 10 amendments to the Constitution? The Ten Commandments. No. First 10 amendments to the Constitution. Ten amendments. What do we call them? This goes to you not appreciating being an American citizen. That's what I'm saying. They have to take this test, and we don't. So the bit has legs, but it's...

It's a lot to unpack. It's the Bill of Rights. Oh my God. How did we fucking miss that? How are we missing these? We both missed this. I blame the Negronis. What is one right or freedom from the First Amendment?

Okay, a free speech. There's four or five of them here. Right to bear arms. No, it's the second. Oh, I think it's the first one. There are some things in the First Amendment you're given. Free speech. Yes. Oh, I thought you said the first five is what you said, no? Oh, it says there's five. Speech, religion, assembly. Oh, I thought you said one of the first five. I'm sorry. My fault. We're bad in 300. Yeah, I did say free speech, but all right. Keep going. Keep going. Okay.

What are two rights in the Declaration of Independence? Say what you said. Bear arms? No, this is different. This is the Declaration. These are not amendments. Oh. You have the right to do this, this, and this. I just helped you. I see. The right to... Fuck. To make kids, a family, a job, and to start a business. I'll call it life. That's life. Yeah.

There's another one. Opportunity. Liberty. Life, liberty, and happiness. Pursuit of happiness. Okay, okay. We're getting there. If we take this test together, Mark and I are almost a citizen. Yeah, exactly. That's what I'm saying. And they come here and they got to take this shit. And then we give them shit. Yeah. This is fascinating. What stops one branch of government from becoming too powerful? Insurrection. No. Let's see. Votes? No.

A petition. We have a specific term for it. It's something and something. Oh, fuck. Checks and balances. Yes, sir. Yeah. Thank you. Who's in charge of the executive branch? AOC? No. Let's see. Who's in charge of the executive branch? Man, we are fucking failing this one. That's what I'm saying. I'm going to give you an easy one. It's the president.

We should have known that. We should have known that one. Jeez. Get off my plane. Get off my website. Get off my pod. All right. All right. So here's, should be a layup. Name your U.S. representative. Our U.S. representative? Yeah. Who represents you? Mark Cuban. No, I'm kidding. Congress. In Congress? Our state representative? I think it's your local, like, I think ours is Jerry Nadler.

Westside. I don't even know who that is. I should know that? I don't know. That was the layup? That was not a layup. Are you fucking kidding me? That was way off from a layup. That was a 360 dunk. I thought we were doing like a state representative here. Yeah. I was going to say like Kathy Huckle or whatever her name is. You've proven my point. All right.

So that's it. We asked these immigrants to figure this shit out, and we're like, we don't even know. Yeah, but if we studied for this, we could do this. That's true. That's true, but. You got like one right. I know. We're fucked. I got like two. I'm like a Nigerian. I have no idea. That's not helpful. I'm a Polish guy. Is that better? I'm basically a guy from another place who's clueless, and yet I live here and was born here.

That's all I'm saying. I took a little tip out of your playbook. What do you do? Well, you're gone for a lot of February. So I said, well, while you're gone, I'm taking the lady and going on a vacation. How long are you gone? I'm just going to go three days, something like that. Three days, four days. Virgin Islands. Wow. It's not a bad flight. It's right there. Newark direct. Why only three days? Four days. Sorry. Short trip. Short trip. Beach. Beach.

B&B, the good stuff. Palm trees, hammock, Mai Tai, the whole thing. Yeah, what else? What gigs you got, Mark? Oh, yeah, I'm in...

Let's see. Coming out, this will be at Fort Wayne, Indiana, La Jolla, California, Tampa, Florida. Where are you playing at Fort Wayne? There's a new club called Summit. It's the same guys who do Tacoma, Bricktown. Yeah, they open a club there. So we'll give it a whirl. I'm in Indianapolis. I'm in Addison, Texas. I love that room in Dallas. Dallas, by the way, is about to pass Chicago as one of the biggest cities. People are loving Dallas. That's right.

Dallas is nice. I like it. I like Dallas too. Fuck Kennedy. And yeah.

I don't know if this is after I'm at, this might be after I'm at Sacramento. So San Diego, Orlando, West Palm, Columbus. You tell me, I can't see that, Matt. So we got, what date are you at? Orlando on March 4th and 5th. Salt Lake City, whatever the hell that was before that. Oh yeah, Salt Lake City, Brea, California, Beacon Theater, New York City, May 7th, all this. Nashville, May 12th, Albany, May 20th. We got it.

Now, who can I ask? Who's good? Do you have an opener for a beacon? I got people in mind. All right. All right. That's going to be a big get. Are you doing New Orleans? No. Oh, I thought I saw New Orleans there. I've been drinking. But yeah, I'm so glad I've been doing these cities before you.

Why? Well, I would hate to have to go out there. They've already seen you. They're not going to come see me. Well, then come see me then. Well, they'll see you. You just said they're not going to do it the other way around. What the hell? Well, I'm just saying I got lucky. I got the prize first.

You got sloppy seconds. Oh, gosh. Whoa, Dick Down in Dallas. What the hell's on your browser there, Sally? I was going to play this song, play us out with Dick Down in Dallas. Oh, please. Hit it. Well, yeah, yeah. MarkNormanCon.com, SamRill.com. Check out the rooftop special. Check out the documentary. I got this. Check out I Got This. Out to Lunch. Netflix. Sad in the City is Taylor's podcast. Oh, yeah. Sad in the City.

Great numbers, by the way. We're sad in the city. And then what else? Email us at wemightbedrunkpod at gmail.com. And what else? We were at, that's the ladies. We were at Risky Business and out to lunch. Sally, you want to plug your website? No. All right. This is why you're not getting any gigs. And yeah, Gotham Studios. Okay. It's Dick Down in Dallas. What is this? A guy you photographed?

The fuck is this? Oh, Dallas. We're both going to Dallas. So you were just there. I was just there. Fuck fucked in Boston.

All right. We love you guys. And, uh, yeah, patreon.com slash we might be drunk pod email. So we might be drunk pod at gmail.com. New merch. We love you. We got merch. Uh, should I grab a shirt? Grab a shirt. We got these koozies. These are the hottest tickets in town. You want one of these when you're, you're day drinking female listeners. There's only a few more of these left. So get on these and, uh,

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