Ep 63: Sal Vulcano & Suntory
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We might be drunk, we might be drunk, as long as we are hanging out, you know we might be drunk. Raise a glass, let's talk shit, pep heaps, wrecks and a bit, maybe drunk, we might be drunk, yeah. Hey, hey!

Hey, folks, here we are. We might be drunk. We're back. We're hacks. We're doing it. Back to the bar. We got Japanese whiskey. We got a Japanese fetish. And we got our old pal, Sal Volcano, everybody. Let him hear it. Japanese Sal. Dude, we would not have tried this if not for you. Did you get Centauri? We didn't get it. Matt Peters, our incredible producer, got it. You texted me, what do you drink? I'm like, tequila, vodka, whiskey. But I'm like, don't get anything for me. Well, wait, why Japanese whiskey?

I like Irish and Japanese whiskey the best. That's all. I've never tried this. Just the taste of, you know, I don't love like Tennessee whiskey or... Really? Nah. That's the real deal, I thought. I can sip that nice. Irish and Japanese. Ice, ice. No ice for me, too. All right. No ice? No ice. No ice. No ice. That's a classy one. Classy. It's class right here, guys. Yeah, apparently. Very classy. Get a We Might Be Drunk glass on the website.

You got merch already? Well, we got merch. We got a studio. This is our first step with a We Might Be Drunk glass. WeMightBeDrunkPod.com. Is that right? Okay. We got bottle openers. We got all kinds of stuff. Are you kidding me? Look at the picture behind you. Look at that. I've seen the clips, but you don't get a scope of it. Oh, it's a scope. Spaceballs the movie. Spaceballs the flamethrower.

Oh yeah, hit me with that. We even have tongs! You have tongs and you have the ice, the ball ice. Tongue to tongue. The ball ice is fucking cool. What happened to Cisco? The thong song? Yeah, to the man. He made...

$100 million. Did he though? $100 million, Mark? I'd say at least $20 million. He was in 112 as well, which was another R&B group. I don't know 112. He split from them, but he was, for a moment there, his Cisco was a part of all of our lives. Of course. I mean, I was in spring break time when that came out. Really? Oh, geez, I was way off. Dude, that says you have...

But that's not accurate. Okay. That's not accurate. I know that's not accurate because one's not accurate. That means he's got...

$45 in the bank. Oh, really? You think so? No. If it says $6 million, he's not doing it. But you don't hear from him anymore. No. This is what I'm saying. When people are that much in the limelight and then they are ghosted. Yes. Like, what is he doing? What's his day-to-day Cisco? Called a one-hit wonder for, I mean, look, where's the Mambo No. 5 guy? Yeah, Lou Bega. There you go. He's doing casinos. Come on, throw another one.

He opens with that song, he's in deep trouble. What do you do after that? They're just like, what now? Only two times in my life did I throw in a five and play a song 18 times at a bar. The first time I ever did it was White Wedding at a bar in Greenpoint at about five in the morning. A girl fight broke out. There was dogs in there. It was crazy. What? It was Polacks. Yeah, she said, meet me at Diamonds, bitch. Diamonds was a strip club nearby. I'll never forget it. There was no register. They had all the money in a cigar box. Wow.

Wow. Yeah, and you had to knock on the door. They slid it open, and they let you in. What year was it, 73? I'll tell you, this was early 2000s. Oh, those were the days. Yeah, yeah. White Wedding. White Wedding. And it played over and over and over, and people were like, by the fifth or sixth time, people were getting antsy. Yeah. And then I did it another time at a place in Green Point. That was Fort Greene, and I played my number five. Oh, nice. You got to play one that's going to.

get them going. Yeah. That's really fun for one, but cruel for six or seven. I mean, this is the Mulaney bit. It is. And when he did that, I was like, motherfucker. I was like, ah, I'll talk about that. What did he do? What's his name? Pussycat? Yeah. Tom Jones. That is a perfect one. I will say, my real life thing happened before that. Yeah.

I got accused of stealing a Mulaney joke when I first started, and I had a YouTube video, thank God, with the date on it. Which one? It was a joke about how Chinese restaurants sound like slurs. Okay. You know, like those fucking golden noodles. Yeah, yeah, yeah. These panda kings, I'll tell you. And he had a similar bit, and I got a ton of shit, and I just showed people the YouTube, and they just don't respond. They're like, how about a sorry? How about a, oh, I was wrong. Right.

But, you know, that's not the internet's way. It's more about their anger. Exactly. YouTube commenters rarely are like, I made a mistake. What do you think of it? Oh, well, I haven't tried it yet. It's good. It's not what I was expecting.

It's peatier than I thought it would be. Yeah, there are different. I'll text you when I get home. I'll text you the one I love. It tastes like American scotch. Oh, not American scotch. That was the dumbest thing I ever said. Holy shit. There are American scotches. Yeah, it tastes like scotch. It doesn't taste like whiskey. I mean, I guess it's all whiskey. It does taste like scotch. Do you guys? It tastes like peat or something. Jeez, that was quick. You guys, how much do you really tie on?

Well, we do a couple in a day. I know you met me for dinner last week, and you were ossified by the time you got to me. Well, we did Ari's pod, and we got after it. Okay, that was not good. For an old man, Ari can, he's got grandpa's cough medicine. He's going at it. Well, everyone is saying things they regret on podcasts. We figure, why half-ass it? Let's go all in. Right, yeah. We did the Rogan compilation in one pod. We didn't have to cut it up.

But yeah, no, I definitely had a few in me when I saw you. I hope I was in my best behavior. No, that was fun as hell. That was fun. We had dinner. When's the last time you went out for dinner with your friends? We never do that. We're working colleagues. It's nice. I know. But you got to remember, isn't it crazy? You were pretty sloshed for this dinner, apparently. That used to be my whole life. Every night was just a drunken blurr.

all the time. Go to dinner, go to a party. Oh, remember that party? We went to that second party. I'd be like, I don't remember the second party. That was my whole life. And now we do that maybe once every six months. Absolutely. Have you slowed down a lot? Oh, God, yeah. I don't get drunk, really. It's like a couple times a year. Except for that night a week ago. By accident. I got drunk at a... The last time I got really drunk was by accident at a skanks pod. Oh, yeah. It was the first one I had done in a couple of years. It was like after the pandemic. It was probably like

Maybe eight, nine months ago, I was drinking whiskey neat. Goes down easy. Didn't eat that day. Snuck up on me. By the end of it, I was blackout. There you go. They called the pot. I was throwing up in a garbage pail at the stand. Wow.

Wow. Yeah. And then Jay had to drive me home. Wow. I don't know what happened. Maybe someone put something in my drink. I don't know. What the fuck? I don't put it past those guys. That is a joke. It's weird. Like, you get surprised drunk now. Like, that used to never happen. Like, you drink because you don't want it to be a surprise. You're like, this is legal. I know what I'm putting in my body. Yeah. It's not like an edible. True. Like, what the fuck? But now, as an adult, you get surprised drunk sometimes.

Yeah, good point. Before you were like, when am I going to be drunk? Come on, come on. You wanted to get drunk so badly. I'll tell you, now sometimes when I'm like, all right, I'll try to have a couple of drinks and then it doesn't take. It's the worst thing where you drink like two or three drinks or something like that and nothing's taken. Yes, what is that? And you're like, well, what am I supposed to do now? I'm supposed to put it into overdrive, have seven, eight drinks? Exactly. But it's a waste. It's a complete waste. Yeah, because you want the buzz, but you're not getting it. And now you're just getting the toxins.

So then you wake up hungover, and you're like, I didn't even have a buzz going. Terrible. Terrible. Weed? No. No? I do edibles now to sleep. Okay, that's good. I just take a nibble. It's the funniest way to, like, we're adults. We do drugs for our health. Yeah. It's so weird. I will. I'll take a 5-mil indica to go to sleep. Yeah, it helps. Out like a life for the whole night. Same. Fun dreams, too. And I tried everything. I tried all the Ambien's and the Zoloft and the fentanyl. Nothing really worked, but...

But this weed works. Mark's joking. He did do fentanyl. Yeah. Stop it. On accident. On accident. By accident. By accident? Is there a reasonable dose? No. Well...

You guys are fucking with me. I wish I was. What do you mean you did fentanyl? Mark thought it was like CBD. He's like, I'll do the good part of the fentanyl right here. Mark took CBD from a stranger thinking it was something else. I needed a Xanax. I had a rough week. I needed Xanax. And it was fentanyl. Or laced. Let's stop. Let's back it up. I'm sorry for doing this. I feel like I just got you in trouble with Dad. Oh, no. Are you in trouble? We'll see.

I have some if you need me. Wait, he said it was a stranger. Explain the context. You were on the road or something? I was on the road. It was the host of a show. And I said, hey, he goes, you need anything? You know, he's calling me. I was like, well, I'll do some granola bars, maybe some jerky, some tequila. And if you got any Xanax, I just can't sleep. I'm dying here. And he goes, I got you. And it turns out he was an ex-addict. Yeah.

The first bad sign was he had a pager. That was pretty shitty. Wait, so he told you he was giving you CBD and you did not know? No, no, Xanax. I don't know where you guys got CBD. Xanax.

was the pill that I thought I was taking that I asked for and then he gave it to me and I think it had some fentanyl in it because I was out for like 24 hours. Oh my god. I fell asleep in the hotel. They had to come in. The guy like shook me. The what do you call it? The maid shook me and then they just put me in the lobby because they had to clean the room. They wrote Mark up in a rug. Yeah. You didn't know prior what was in it. No, I just popped it. How did you find out after?

Well, then I woke up in the lobby at about 3 p.m., and it was a red roof in, so I was one of four guys passed out. I found a used still hot crack pipe in my room at a red roof. What? Get out of here. Did you hit it? Was I? No, we did not. Took a photo of it, walked across the street, went to a Holiday Inn Express. I feel like you've got to get a free room with a crack pipe. I wasn't going to stay there. I didn't want to stay there. I said, guys, I don't think this looks shady. We went in, and then I didn't...

My buddy had a, he came out with a crack pipe. I said, can we go now? And he let me go. How do you miss a crack pipe when you're cleaning? Unless it was the maid doing it. Also, what a shitty crackhead. Right? You forget the pipe? Yeah. They're not a reliable group. They're all black and like smoky. I know, but those are supposed to be addictive, aren't they? Yes. I guess it was empty. Highly addictive. Can you imagine that? Wait, I got to get back though. You wake up a day later. You don't know what happened. No. You call him.

No. Guys, thank you for being on We Might Be Drunk, my podcast. Yeah, I know, right? The tables have turned here. Basically, my friend, we were supposed to go tubing that day, my opener. So he came by. He's like, you haven't been answering my call. What a juxtaposition. I know, right? The drug that'll kill you in a heartbeat and then just fun, fun childhood times. That's why I needed sleep. I wanted to be ready with a tube, with the sunshine.

And, yeah, so he goes, I just came to the hotel out of instinct. And, oh, he called the front desk because he's like, this guy's not answering his phone. Can you call his room? Like, what room? That room. He checked out. Wait a minute. Does he have curly hair and a bad act? Yeah. And that was me just sitting in the lobby.

And he came to you? So he came to the hotel, and he said he dragged me around. And we went to the bodega down the street, and my feet were dragging. And he's like, oh, he bought me a lemonade, a water, just trying to get some fluids in me. I'm out the whole time. Weekend at Norman's. Yes. He's doing your act. He's like, hey!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So when did it come out that he gave you fentanyl? Well, so then I wouldn't wake up. We had two shows that night sold out in San Antonio. And he's like, you got to get up. And he called my girlfriend. He called my agent. And he's like, I don't know what to do. Like, we got to cancel these shows. This guy won't wake up. And so he had a bright idea. And he goes...

I've seen people do this. I'm getting the IV lady. The IV lady shows up in the hotel, gives us both IVs. I filmed the whole thing. I was wrecked out of my mind. I'll show you the video. I'm a mess. I'm on another planet. He put you there. Who? No, this is a different opener. Oh. That was the host. This is the opener. Okay. So the feature. So he's helping me. He's a guy I know. The host I didn't know. Okay. And I get the IVs and I kind of start coming back to life and we go to the show and I did them.

Wow. The host was there the next night. Did he say something to him? I said, what the hell was that? He goes, oh, that's the good stuff. No. Yeah, we're cool. Mark, you idiot. I already scolded him for an entire episode for this. That could have had a different ending, Mark. Oh, yeah. We love you here, you know, and we might be drunk. We love you, and we want you to be around for a long, long time. Well, the worst part is that guy hosted for Bob Saget. Oh, right. Oh.

We got to the bottom of it. I had to get out of it. But what human being with half a brain when someone says, can I get a Xanax, just hauls off and gives you the hardest drug that... He's risking your life. Yeah. What human being asks a complete stranger for a drug? You're right. You know what? You're right. The trouble started here. But it's a legal drug. It's a prescription drug. But it's not a drug that you... I'm not asking for coke or heroin. Yeah, but it's a prescription drug. To?

Touche. Not a dude who's got 10 minutes in fucking San Antonio. Yeah, he had eight. Yeah. But wait a minute. I'm not even sure it was fentanyl in my defense. Oh, so you didn't speak to him about what it was. Nah. So you just left it a mystery. Yeah. He said, that's the good stuff, and you stopped your questioning right there. I think I said, was there fentanyl in that? He goes, I don't think so, but I can get that if you want it. So this guy was the real deal. That's what Nino Brown used to tell people. That's the good stuff. Yeah. My goodness.

Yeah, yeah. That's kind of horrifying. It was scary. Have you asked for a pill, an erroneous pill since then? You learned your lesson. Yeah. I mean, you drink and you smoke weed, and that's it? Yeah, that's it. I recently did shrooms for the first time in my life. Let's hear it. I've done it twice in my life only. It's the best. I know you do it all the time. I've heard your stories, and they're amazing stories. That I've gotten from fans also. You know, before I got too old, before I, you know.

I just was like, I got to try this before I get there. And I did. And the first time I did it, wow. I'm not condoning it. Don't do it. I'm not telling anyone to do it. But it was fun. I'm condoning. Do it. Yeah. It's great. It was fun. I think I got old. With friends? What's that? With friends? I was with friends. Good. You got to be. And I had just a perfect experience. It didn't go too far, but it went. I didn't see. I didn't hallucinate or anything, but I saw like it was almost like

everything was moving and like everything comes alive. Yeah. And I know I'm on it, you know, so I wasn't scared. I didn't go down any weird, like, you know, holes or anything like that. That's a myth. And, and I, it was just, it was fun the entire night. I got a little allergic reaction to the mushrooms. Okay. I got a little flush, which I never had before, but I fought through that. Yeah. And it was really fun. I always hear you talking about like the throw up phase. Yeah. So I was worried about that, but it didn't happen. Okay. I tried to recreate it a

A few months later, and I was told by Ari that you don't want to do it too close to each other because it won't take. Sure. By the way, I love that Ari is also like the drug whisperer. He's the shaman. He roofied Bert. What makes him the—this is the response. But he does have a website about mushrooms, about how to do them. Yes, exactly. He is weirdly the one who's the one like, just do mushrooms with me and it'll be okay. Yeah. And I do kind of trust him. Yeah, he's the guy to do it with. Really? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, he just knows so much about it. He can give you the right kind. He can talk you down. If you have weird thoughts, he's an expert.

He wasn't there the first time, and I laid all the mushrooms out on a paper towel, and I took a picture, and I sent it to him, and I said, tell me how much of this to do. And he told me. Then the next time he was with me,

And we grinded it in like a coffee grinder into a fine dust and put it in our iced tea. It was a whole bunch of people. That scares the shit out of me that you can do that. Nothing moved, nothing hallucinated. It was a dud. I hate a dud. Because you're looking for it. Is that it? Am I tripping? No. And you're like, all right, we're doing this? People came over to my place. It was a whole thing. They were like, this is going to be our night. We're going to have this experience together. And then it was a dud. Damn.

Did you ever do that in high school? You ever take an edible and it hits you when you're in a class and you're like, fuck. Whoa, I never did it at school. No, never in my life. I didn't really smoke until 2018. Wow. I hate it now. As a kid, I liked it. Now I'm like, I can't do it. Now it doesn't do anything for you.

it does stuff for me, but it's bad stuff. Yeah, but you gotta just take the right puff with the right amount and it can kind of just kind of... I've tried a million different puffs. Really? It's not working for me. It takes the edge off. Sometimes I write on it, you know? Oh, I could never. Yeah. I know some people do that, but I'm not one of them. No, I'm with you, though. Like, I take it to sleep and it helps, but if I don't fall asleep, then the bad shit. THC? Or you do just the... A little bit of THC, like five milligrams of a gummy. I'll just...

You know, just a nibble. And if it works, I go to bed. If I don't go to bed, bad time. All bets are off? Yeah. You're just running around. Bad stuff, bad memories. You suck. You're going to fail. And what are you doing? Are you sitting in a seat?

Just not moving just thinking about it. Are you trying to do something that you're throwing on a movie you listen to music? Well the movie will trigger it'll be like oh this thing happened in the movie I'm like, oh, yeah, remember that what about that? Oh, yeah, and then an hour in a wormhole of you. All right Yeah, if I if death if death I start thinking about death, then that's all I'm gonna think about Yeah, I feel like that's bad I mean therapy for death for death. Yeah, you think about death a lot? Yeah, really whole life. Oh

It's a bad way to live. COVID did not help. Yeah. Not even me. My loved ones and all that stuff. And it just did not help. I had to like. But here's the thing with death. I get it. It's inevitable, though. So you might as well accept it. But are you scared of getting hit by a bus kind of death? No. You're scared of the big sleep at the moment. When is it going to be? Oh, come on. I'm going to leave this earth to leave my loved ones. I'm more scared. You got 50 years to be truthful. It's more about my parents. But

But they're going to die before you. Yeah. I'm scared of their death. They are amazing. Good point. Good point. Yeah, I'm worried about mine. You told me like I didn't assume. I thought you meant you were going to leave them. Oh, no. I got you. Okay, yeah. No, and then God forbid like a tragic death. Oh. Like someone before their time type of thing. It's all the same caboose. It is. I start thinking of it. Everything's packed into the same luggage, and I'm unpacking it, and I just... It's...

I talk about it weekly. How often do you go to therapy? Weekly. Weekly. No, I did for a while. I did. And then I stopped. And I did again about three years ago. I started going again. I would go actually right on six, right by the cellar. I know you guys all share the same. I went to a woman. Helped me so much. I did EMDR. Have you done this?

I've heard of this. Neil Brennan did it. He did, and he did it by recommendation of the person who told me to do it. Oh, okay. And it actually worked. Tell the people at home what that is. It's basic. Did I look over there? I'm doing an audience. I picture an audience. It's a form of therapy where you disassociate trauma.

triggering in your mind and you do that oddly but it's a Number of things can do it like you you go through a step and they make you think of things and then there's multiple ways one I held I held these two things in my hands that would alternately vibrate and There's a pattern to it. And so you think of this you close your eyes you think and it vibrates and it's doing something It's attaching you really people do it about following like your eyes follow something or there's different ways to do it Yeah, but uh

Someone sang its praises. I went. I had some issues that I needed to clear up, and it did it. I couldn't believe it. And so now I'm going to start. I haven't been doing EMDR for the death yet, but I'm going to start that now. Whoa.

- Whoa. - Yeah. - Damn, so you think it's some childhood trauma that-- - Some trauma in there, yeah. - Although it's an understandable fear. I mean, it is, as Mark said, it's an inevitable fear, so I get that. - Yeah. - I mean, it's not like a fear that a therapist could be like, no, you have nothing to worry about. A therapist is like, yeah, you're gonna die. - Yeah. - But that's why I don't fear it, 'cause I'm like, it's coming anyway, why worry about it?

I remember my friend got a... He was a drug addict and he got put in jail. And he kept calling us from jail. And I kept being like, are you nervous about getting beat up or the shower rape? Are you freaking out? And he's like, I'll worry about that when it happens. Now I just want to get out. And I was like, oh, I didn't know. They put his hands on two things. They were different though. Still shaking though. Yeah, no, I'd be... If I was in jail, forget it. I wouldn't think about it. It's more my...

parents. It's more of that kind of thing. Got it, got it. Yeah, that is scary. But again, it's also crazy. That's happened to every single human being. Yeah, I know. And I say that to myself, but I think it's like before and after. How old are you? 38. Okay. So I'm 45. I really, really went into overdrive

like in the last few years and especially with COVID, but you, for the first time in my life right now, I actually feel a little old and I never did before. Oh really? You got a full head of hair. Yeah. Yeah. I just, yeah, but I just feel the old, I feel, I feel, uh, removed, uh,

From a little bit like like removed from like the shit that's going on today. I don't like it Yeah, I like the music. I don't like this died on to this. I'm like I don't like I don't like fucking Social media. I don't like the digital age. I don't like ticked I don't like any of that stuff, but then you sit there and go is that me because Socrates said they know I mean it's completely Reciprocal and all that stuff whatever it is and I and I know that too and I'm like well here it is here It is it actually ends up how you hear about it. You see it you

You hear people, older people talk to you about it. You just don't feel it. You acknowledge it. You don't feel it. I've recently started to feel it. And it was like fucking holy shit. Yeah. I guess that's what they call a midlife crisis. I don't know. Oh, yeah. I don't know. It just happens. And also I started to see the age on my parents a little bit. Right. I haven't.

So everything now is becoming a little bit like, what's that? The pandemic did that because we all saw our folks a little less. Yeah. So yeah. It did that. And I think we all got worn down a little bit by it. Sure, sure. And so I don't know. I just started feeling it. And I never felt that feeling before. And I'm like, oh, this is what that feels like. It's not good. And it's like, it's coming for you.

It is. It is. It's never ending. We used to get hung over. I'd lose a day hung over. When you're in your 20s, you're like, ah, man, I spent the whole day laying on the ground puking. Now I'm like, I lost a day. Every day is precious. What am I doing? Yeah. Life is going to end. You can't waste a day being hung over. Now if you're hung over for a day, you're lucky. It doesn't leak into another day. Oh.

You're so busy. I mean, you're one of the most. I mean, that's probably why you feel it, dude. You're probably exhausted. You do two podcasts. You got your TV show, Impractical Jokers. Great show, by the way. Touring. We love it. But on top of that, we're asking you to do us a favor and come on the podcast. I'm so happy to be on this, by the way.

Come on. I love you both. And I like this. I haven't been able to do these lately. And I was like, let me. But you must be exhausted. Don't you think that's a big part of it? I am. I look in the mirror and I look fucking exhausted. Every time I see someone, they go, wow, you look fucking tired. Well, you're doing so much. So if it's just emanating from me, like people just say it to me now. Right. And I do. I feel fucking.

And I make sure I don't get drunk for that reason nowadays. It costs too much. It does. And I get eight hours. Seven men, but I get my eight hours still tired. Oh, it's mental. It's all mental. You're mentally tired. I do need to be in better shape, and I'm going to start working on that. That'll help too. Let me just say this in defense of the old man thing. I'm 38, and I'm pushing 40. I think about that too. I hate social media. I hate the cancel. I hate all the bullshit.

And then everybody goes, oh, every adult says this. This is classic standard bullshit. But you have to give us the fact that we've escalated tenfold compared to what other generations had with technology, the phone, the internet. Oh, it's exponentially, right? Exponentially. So it's always whenever right now is always the most rapid it's going. Yes. So our whole lives, it's only built end over end. You're right. I long for the old days.

Peace and quiet. Do I sound like an old man? No. Simpler shit, dude. You're 20 years from Cleese. I'll take call waiting and an answer machine. That's it. Yeah, that was the best. You know what I mean? You could avoid people. What's that? You could avoid people. You could avoid people. Someone texts you now and you don't answer, they know you saw it. What's going on? It's this thing. You're on the hook for everything. You know what I'm saying? As we're talking about technology, Mark's dumb phone watch goes off. Yeah.

I also don't like all the information all the time. It's bad for her. I can't take it. Anxiety is up. Depression is up. Suicide is up. It ain't good. And I think we're going to look back on this in 20 years and go, that was the wild, wild west, what was happening with the internet. It's like Ronnie Chang's joke. You were on Twitter while you were pregnant? Are you crazy? It's such a great joke. And it rings true. There's truth to that. You used to get the news the next morning in the paper. Yeah. Isn't that crazy? Quietly read it.

Yeah. It is bad. I realize how much I'm looking at my phone. I'm like, oh, this is so addictive. It is that rush where you press like the loading, loading, loading, nothing. Come on. Yeah. We want story. We want buzz. And we just stand the stoplight turn green. We'd walk.

Then it turned red and we'd stand there. Now you're like, I got a minute. You know, I got 30 seconds. I'll check this. I'll check that. It's inevitable. You ever like put your phone away or something and then like, and then see how you react? Yes. You keep going for it. You keep going for it. And they're like, oh shit. Like, you know what I mean? Yeah. You would miss a toe less. Oh, no doubt about it. If you lost a toe, you'd be like, I'll be fine. 100%. You wouldn't do that with your toe. You might feel around for a second. Yeah. Your phone, that's a part of you. Oh.

Oh, yeah. Also, there's no more conversation. You just look up the answer. I would try to do that. People are always like, that might have happened at dinner, I think. People will be like, oh, who is that? And everyone just picks their phones up. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Put it down. Let's get it. Let's try to get it. And so we don't do that exercise with our brains anymore either. I know, I know. Dumb and down, babe. We're dumb and down. We're way dumb and down. Just think, like, I moved to New York. I'm just a fucking really funny, fun-loving guest, aren't I? Ha!

That was great. This is great stuff. It's all over. I moved here in 07. There was no GPS on your phone. Right. So I had to learn the trains. I'd go to Queens on accident. I'd go to Brooklyn on accident. Wow.

And it makes your brain go, wait, where am I? I got to figure this out. You ask a guy, am I on the right train? Now I'm interacting with humans. That's all over. I don't get in a car now without putting on my GPS 100% of the time, even when I know where I'm going, because I want to know if there was an accident and I should reroute. There you go. So I put it on every single time. If I'm driving 10 minutes, I put it on. It's a lot of information. This is what it feels like in life now.

You know when you go to a diner and it's like, here's the specials. We got eggs, granola, bacon, and pancakes. Now a diner menu is 38 pages long and you got all these options and it's too much. It's the Cheesecake Factory now. It's the Cheesecake Factory. It's too much. And none of the options are that good. Yes. But there's a lot of options. But there's a lot of options. That's what I'm talking about.

That's what life is now. It's Netflix. You don't know what the fuck to do. There's two good shows. There's 500,000 choices. Exactly. There was seven stations. Everyone knew every show. We all got to talk about it. What about remembering phone numbers? Oh!

I still remember a couple of childhood numbers. You remember who was important and you'd get up to a certain limit and you'd remember it. That's over. We just lost our youth listenership on this podcast. Fucking okay boomer. I hate boomer too. I hate boomer, yeah. We hate everything young. We're just cliches right now. Hey Gen Z though, you would have a better life if you grew up without a phone.

I swear to God, I know that's a bold statement, but I'm so glad I grew up on a phone. I got a P for you right now. Uh-oh. Just generic sayings that are regurgitated. Okay, boomer. Let's go, Brandon. Let's go, Brandon, people. You're just Trump is orange, but from the other side. Just be original or don't speak. Why are you speaking if it's what? Easy, Karen. That's another one.

There's a million of them. Karen is like, I'm really annoyed because I did Karen as a name in a joke in a special like two years ago. And now people think I'm reaching for the Karen. I'm like, no, it was just the name I used. I bet there was a good name. It was in Goodfellas. Come on, Karen. Fucked up in the head, Karen. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. The regurgitating is big. We Might Be Drunk is brought to you by Lucy. Look, we're all adults here. And I know some of us choose to use nicotine to relax, focus, or just unwind after a long day.

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By the other side of it, it's great. I mean, it's been amazing, too. It's great. It's true. I get concert tickets with a couple of clicks. I used to have to wait in line with a wristband. Porn. I get it. Porn. I used to have to go underneath the BQE literally at 1 in the morning and walk in and be like, hello, I'm of age. Can I get to the back? That was the original grinder. It was the original grinder. I hit the porn lottery pre-digital age, okay? My boss that I worked for at the pizzeria, he was getting married.

And he was the guy who held all of his friends porn. So it was in a grande mozzarella cheese box. This is like 40-year-old virgin. It's a box. It glows like Pulp Fiction. VHS tapes. I'm going to call it 40 tapes in there. Wow.

40 tapes. 40 VHS tapes in Jerkoff. Oh, yeah. Old school. You can see the wear and tear on the film. You had to actually wait for the reverse photo. Yeah. And he told me one day, I'm getting married. I got to get rid of this thing. I can't be the holder of it. Come to my house. I didn't know what I was walking into. He hands me a box of 40 tapes.

Can you believe that? I had that thing for years and years. I was the guy. I became the guy for my friends. Right? That's a good man. Yeah. And I remember the day I had to get rid of it. Ah. Yeah. But it was, we had passed it technology. Like, we passed it tech-wise. It's crazy. Those 40 tapes, now you're just like, click, back, click, back. Back then, you'd have to just manually be like, this is the scene I want. What am I in the mood for? Yes. Now, if there's not a thumbnail, I'm like, what am I even doing? Right, right. You had to earn a jerk. These eighth graders today, they don't know how good they have it. Oh.

But it's bad, though, because I used to do a bit about how I used to jerk off to Jennifer Love Hewitt's smile, and now it's harder. But these days it's hard. So wholesome. But it's touching. Well, it's like when you're young, you do that shit. Of course. But then you get older, and now the pace is just so much more rapid for these young kids. You're opening with choke porn. Oh, yeah. I know, and that informs them.

And then that's what they're doing. It's wild. Sex today is not sex. Women got fucked the most. No pun intended. But it was like back in the day, you had to like charm a woman, date a woman. Like on the third date, you might not get laid. Now it's like, hey, lady, I can go on Tinder and knock this out. And I don't know if that's good for relationships. Probably not. I like a lady who puts out. Don't get me wrong. But...

If they hold out, it's a different kind of world. Expectation seems immediate now. There it is. That's the best way to say it. Do you know Dan Mintz? He's hilarious. He's a great joke. I don't know him, but I know he's funny. I don't know him either, but he has some of my favorite jokes. He has a joke. You guys, it's exactly the kids today. They don't know how good they have it. With porn when I was young, I had to go to the Sears catalog and flip through until I found something. Nowadays, kids, you just go online. You go to Sears.com. That's a great joke.

That's great. Man, he's had some smart stuff. Yeah. Great Mr. X. He's now on Bob's Burgers. Give Dan Mintz a goog. Yeah. Shush. Damn. Yeah, no, it is. It's gotten harder. I mean, I mean, I mean.

You want to pace yourself. Hopefully you live a long time. If you burn out and die at 32, go for it. But otherwise, you're going to be 87. What the fuck are kids going to be into? I know, and you can't even blame them because if it's right there, you're going to do it. But here's my theory. Your parents leave out Dunkaroos in the cabinet. Exactly. You're eating Dunkaroos. I know fish is better. If you give me fentanyl, I'm going to take it. But this is my theory.

It's a generational thing. Look, you got a hair metal, you got disco. Then it goes to hair metal. Then it goes to grunge. It's got to keep changing. Yeah. I think maybe not this generation, but the next one is going to be, we're all phones. Our parents use phones. Our parents use social media. They use the internet. We're almost Amish-y because it's a pushback. You got to go the other way. Maybe. No, I've never seen it.

That's what I'm saying. Well, you never saw a trans person either before. Sure. That was the only place you used to see trans people. That's true. As in the porn. That's a good point.

I will tell you, I don't see people, because it's only going to get more and more, more and more access, more and more convenience, more and more, I don't know. How can it be more convenient? Oh, it'll get more convenient. How, though? Here's how. It's going to get this crazy where, you know, right now we go- Minority report. They're just going to be like- How old is Robert De Niro? Two seconds. Boom. But in the future, it's going to be, where are my shoes behind the bed? And how old is Robert De Niro? Yeah. I'm just saying, it's going to get real personal.

That's my theory. Yeah. I don't know. I could be crazy and gay. But either way. I got one more. One more mince just popped into my head. Mince? Oh, Dan Mince. This is one more. I'm going to fuck it up. But he says, you know, the other day, me and my wife's anniversary, 10 year anniversary. And she looks just like I told her she looks just like the day I met her.

I met her at a Halloween party. She went as a disgusting old woman. Oh, man. He had a joke about the sleeper, you know, when you sit on your hand. Yeah. But I can't remember how it went. Oh, it was genius. I should have brought it up. Those are two of my faves. Pull it up if you can, man. Everybody had a, not everybody, but a lot of people had a sleeper joke where you jerk off with your hand because it's numb. So it feels like someone else would call it the sleeper. But his was the best one. But I'm putting this guy, giving him homework here. Sorry, Peters.

But yeah, Dan Man's underrated. Great jokes. Two of my faves. Now, if you want this, I'll give you one more fave, a Dom Herrera joke. Oh, hey, I love Dom Herrera. He goes, I'm going to mess the joke up, but he's like, you ever see when people find out someone's gay, they act like they died?

They're like, get out of here. He's gay? I was just with him. Geraldo had that great joke because he looks so Caucasian, I guess, but he's Colombian. He's like straight Colombian. And whenever they found out he was Hispanic, they would always react in a weird way like, you're Hispanic? You look good. I literally have that joke in my act. I used to bartend South Staten Island. Everyone figures I'm Italian. Uh-huh.

Literally, this happened to me. A guy at my bar was like, Sal, you're Italian, right? I said, half. And he goes, what's the other half? And I said, Puerto Rican and Cuban. He goes, oh, that's okay. That's okay. That's okay. I was like, I thought it was until this moment. That's hilarious. Don Marrero's got another one I love. I know we're just rattling off bits. Please. He loved a bit about how...

comedians will say true story after a bit he goes who cares tell it's funny you know like anyone's leaving the show and that dom herrera stunk but boy did he have integrity i love that joke well you mentioned the news earlier it made me think of that old attell joke back when attell was clean by the way yeah and he had that joke where he's like you know the mafia runs this town they should do the news you know uh hey bob johnson's gonna die tomorrow

And the tag was, the winning lottery numbers are. Yeah, yeah. I remember that bit. Salvatore wins again. Brilliant shit. Jokes, man. Love jokes. Love jokes. Too bad those went away.

Any peeves from either of you? I got tons of peeves. Give me a peeve. I already have it. Traffic, sweat, the common cold, strong wind, bugs, cats, pointy objects, cattle, filth, and littering. You're very scared of colds. You're the guy who told me years ago, apple cider vinegar, chef. Every day? Yeah, it'll change your life. Come on. It's appetite suppressant. It's a cure-all. Google it. Cure-all. Swear to God. My dad takes a shot of it every day for like 40 years.

I mean, if I get AIDS, I'm taking apple cider, I'm good? Yeah. I swear. It might be something there. All right. It promotes good gut health. Gut health is very important. There's a hundred things it does. Fermented foods are apparently very good for your brain. Hey, this is fermented.

Not great for the brain. But, I mean, apparently kimchi is very good for the brain. That's gross. Did you see they went after Awkwafina? What happened? Oh, being black? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'm telling you, everybody, if you want to chop somebody, now we're all on the chop. I just think it's like you get that famous, you're on the cutting board. Yeah. That's another thing.

thing that got ruined. Fame was great. Sinatra was hitting people with a fucking glass kid got kidnapped kid got kidnapped. It was fine. He's back at the arena singing in my life, you know, or that's life. Your kid gets kidnapped. Yeah. Junior pull it up. Yeah. What was that? What happened? They got him back. Well,

It was a ransom? A ransom. That's a good movie. No, and they paid it? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, the guy didn't get arrested. It was all on the up and up? No, they got the guy. They got the guy. I think there were two of them, yeah. How old was he? I think, who, Frank or Junior? Was he like 30 years old? No.

No, he was 19. Wow. Out of his hotel room in Lake Tahoe at gunpoint. I threw him in the trunk like old school. For $240,000? By the way, they probably could have been like, it's Sinatra's kid. We can do a little better. What year was that? 63? Can we do a $240,000 for inflation? It's probably at least a mil now. It's got to be, right? A million was a lot of money. I mean, this is 1963. That's cash in a duffel, isn't it? He's not wiring that. No, that's all cash. He's got to break open the sheetrock for that. Yeah.

Whoa, whoa, 2 mil. Oh, it's 2 mil now? That's a hefty sum. 2.2 mil. Okay, I was way off. Wow. So it's, damn, goddammit. Inflation is no joke. So it's... I guess that is 60 years ago. Damn, 2 million. More than that. And he paid it? Yeah, of course.

He paid that out of his pocket. And then they got him. I remember reading the book. I forgot what happened. It was weird. There was a weird motive there. It was more than just money. People don't do that anymore, right? Nah. People don't send ransom notes or ask for a duffel of money or anything like that? No. Isn't that what the people who kidnapped or who shot Lady Gaga's dog walker were trying to do? They were trying to do that, yeah. I have no idea what you're talking about. Oh, see, this is why you're feeling good. Somebody shot Lady Gaga's dog walker? They snagged him.

Her dog Walker? Yeah, she has two very high-end kind of she-she dogs that are worth a ton of money. Purebred, whatever. Oh, she snagged the dog. They dog-napped. Oh, I thought you said the dog Walker. No, no, he was the victim of the impeding. She snagged his dog's gun store? Yeah. For ransom? Purebred. When, when, when? This was about a year ago. Really? I missed it?

Oh, did they shoot him? Yeah, they shot him, dude. Did he die? I think he survived, but he's not well. Whoa. I think it's like a bad, I mean, he got shot a few times. Damn. He's the 50 cent of dog walkers. Yeah.

Did she take care of the guy? Did we know how she... Yeah, she did. She really gave him a lot of money. I would hope. Yeah. Oh, there he is. He's revealing the gunshot wounds. Oh, my God. He's kind of shredded. Not bad. He seems fine. Seems all right. You come out of that okay. Are you like, actually, I'm glad it happened? I don't know, dude. He might have some nerve damage or something. You never know what happened. They got it on video? Oh, my God. See, this is why you can't kidnap. Oh, my God. It's all taped now. Are you... Is this...

Oh, that's good stuff. Look, I'm not going to lie. If I had to kidnap a dog. Pretty cute. I mean, why did they shoot him? Did he fight back? I would have been like, take the fucking thing. I don't know. I think he fought back a little bit, yeah. Take the thing. Got to be careful. Someone's got a gun. Do not fight back. That's good advice. That's my wreck of the week. Don't fight back. If you were in a bad way, a bad way.

Do you think you could turn, not to a life of crime, but do you think your circumstances are pure? You don't intend to hurt anybody. But do you think you could do something like that? I couldn't shoot somebody. But you don't know where your next meal's coming from. You got a family.

Oh, he's got you there. And look, we're not women. We can't do OnlyFans. You're lucky, ladies. I tried OnlyFans. I lost money. The teacher really seems to care. Tweet it. Tweet it. You know, do you say, you know what? I know. I got a tip, a hot tip. That's Lady Gaga's French Bulldog. I don't want to hurt him at all. I'm going to swipe him. Do you go there?

I don't think I have the constitution for it. Oh, no way. But I'd like to think I could be a likable con, but I don't think I have it in me. That would be cool. What do you think? Like a matchstick man. Yeah. Cool guy. Con man. Danny Ocean. We all would like to be Clooney or Brad Pitt or whatever. Of course. Isn't every con movie the con gets conned and then there's another con? There's like five cons. Yeah. Everybody slow down. This isn't how it goes. Like everyone's conning. They're ahead of the con. Yeah. Con.

And then they're ahead of the second con. Well, have you seen the Tinder swindler? Step ahead. No. It's all con. What do you mean? This hot Jewish guy from Israel is conning all these hot blondes. How? He's whining and dining them. He's loaded.

But he's not actually loaded. He's using money from other ladies. So he's getting laid. He's fucking all these blondes. And then he's going off on jets in Lake Como and all this shit. But how is he doing this? Because he goes, hey, lady, I've been fucking for six weeks.

I'm a rich guy, but I'm in the diamond business, and we're getting under attack right now by the whatever, Hamas. They froze all my cards. Can you give me like 20 grand? And then he does that to like six women. Now he's up to 500 grand, whatever the hell it is. This is Joe Millionaire, the show on steroids.

What's that? I don't know that. You don't know Joe Millionaire? It's where they say he's a rich guy, but he's not really rich. No. Oh, he's not? No, that's the whole hook of the show. So he shows up and he's on a yacht or comes by on a horse or something, but he's a construction worker. So when they fall for someone at the end, he tells them, guess what? I love you. You fell for me, but I'm broke. Yeah.

And then they stay on. Which is so fucked up. Obviously. But then now that we did it and now one of them is rich and the other one's not. I've never, I saw like one episode of the original, but I mean, it's. Well, the beauty of the, the Tindler Swindler, Tinder Swindler is all these people are like, well, ladies, if you weren't so greedy, dah, dah, dah, dah, which, you know, it's fucked up because he still stole from them. But like,

It's kind of fun because these hot ladies have been using their looks. He's using his fake money to get ladies. It's kind of fun. Well, what's the difference between a lady that uses her moxie or whatever it is to get to... Vagina. Yeah. That's one way to put it. She's a hustler. Yeah. She's hustling. But that's biology. I don't know if I have empathy for those women. No.

You're six weeks in on a Tinder date and you're giving someone $20,000 who owns a diamond. I mean, you've got to pay attention. You have messed up motives, right? You're doing this in the hopes that you're getting money back. He must be a really good lover.

I wonder if he's got a great personality. He does. And most con men do. And they show the text. You're like, this guy's fucking smooth. And he's on a private jet going, I miss you, baby. And then he hangs up the phone. He picks up another phone. I miss you, baby. And it's like 20 different women. It's pretty wild. I know there's a lot of anti-Semitism in the world. Because I heard that. I was like, why does he have to be a fucking Jew? Yeah. And he's all in. He's diamond. He's Israel. I mean, he looks like a complete douche.

Well, the ladies like a douche. They'll deny it. Look at those glasses, though. Look at these women he's pulling. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Wow. And these ladies are like, wow, I want to go on the show. Wait, they're on Tinder? I got to get on this thing. Good point. I have never been on a dating app. Maybe it was Raya. I want to see his profile because I want to know how ostentatious was he because if he's putting out some pretty materialistic photos, then I do judge them a little bit for swiping. Yeah.

Of course. They're all in the Bentley with the diamond Rolex. Flip it and reverse it. You meet that woman.

She's fucking your brains out. I wouldn't buy it. I'd date her for three months. She's a dream woman. Three months, you're head over heels. She asks you for money. Are you going to cut a check? No. I don't think I would either. But dumb guys will. I used to watch Jenny Jones or Ricky Lake, and they'd be like, yeah, I'd take men's money and do it with some hot blonde. And everybody's like, yeah, he gave me a Bentley. What are you going to do? I'm hot.

And so this has been happening since the dawn of time. But now I think dudes are figuring out how to do it. Wow. Not saying it's right. Again, for the record, just saying. And this is pictures of him with all different women. Yeah. So is he in jail? He got caught like stealing money? I think he's in jail now. Can we see his profile pics, Matt? You can't find it? I guarantee you his Tinder profile has been screen capped and put up online. It's got to be. Oh, yeah. I forgot his name now. It was Levelle. Oh, is that him in cuffs? Is that him in cuffs in the blue? Looks like it.

He looks good in cuffs, though. Those sunglasses. Oh, he's all sunglasses. He's a lens crafter. It does look like Justin Silver. A little bit, yeah. It does. But see, he's got the designer, the Armani shirts and everything. What's fucked up is his feels. This is how...

morally bankrupt. We're talking about these awful shows, but couldn't you just picture this being a show on Netflix where you're like, the Tinder swindler. I know. He takes your money and then they're like, all right, we're giving you the money back. I think you want better. Pitch that shit. Yeah. Pitch it? Yeah, pitch it. The thief? Hell, look at West Elm Caleb. You guys heard that story. What's that? Oh,

This is a guy in New York City who's banging all these cougars, and he works at West Elm. West Elm, Caleb. I was wondering if it had to do with the furniture. So when you said it, you've got to be shitting me. This is real. West Elm, Caleb. He's this hot 25-year-old guy. He works at West Elm. So these women come in to buy shit, these single divorcees, and he's fucking all of them. And then they found out that he was fucking all of them, and they're all pissed. Oh.

Oh, my God. Is he giving them a deal at West Elm? No, no. Maybe a deal. Hey, you want this end table? You got to blow me. West Elm Caleb is the funniest moniker I've ever heard. I know. I know. You may know me. Look, I want to get this out of the way right now. I had a past. You got to beat Pier 1 Billy.

You ever hear of West Elm Caleb? Yeah, he's big. Designer at West Elm. Maybe he's a designer. Caleb, how many discounts on ottomans do you need this month? Yeah, he's got good... He definitely does... What do you call when you do the eyebrows? Ooh, waxing? No, they do the threading. You ever do that? I heard it hurts. I know. Don't act like you were looking at Mark and not me for that one right there. Sam, it's yarning. Dude, I'm terrified to do it. I see people... Big Jake does it.

He does. He doesn't have a chain wallet either. I'm pretty sure because I see them sometimes and they are...

They're miraculous. They're beautiful. Yours are nice. Mine are untouched. I can see that. Mine are untouched, and I think they're balding now. They're very light. I don't have the dark brown. They're a little thin. I don't have the dark brown I used to. Well, if you're going to go bald, that's the place to do it. Yeah, my legs are bald. Really? Yeah, my dad has all of his hair. He's 76. He didn't go gray until his very, very, very late 60s. Legs are bald.

I think I'm in the same scenario. That's crazy. I'm telling you right now, I don't have a hair on my leg. We're going gray now. Need an ankle, not a hair on my leg. Really? Is that new? It was over time, but right now. People are like, what are you, a swimmer? And I'm like, did you look above the knees? Because I'm not a swimmer, that's for sure. That is strange. Yeah, but I'd rather go bald on the legs. Yeah, of course. You know? Interesting. You were saying what about your eyebrows?

Oh, I just feel like if I were to do it, it worries me when you put too much work into that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like it would look like it's like a weird, it's like very Jersey Shore or something. Sure, sure. Oh, yeah, you don't want a manicure like that. No, no, no. You're gruff.

Yeah, gruff is good. You're smarthy. Yeah. Smarthy. Yeah. You have a baseful voice. Thank you. You have some height on you. You're tall, dark, and handsome. I'm weak. Yes. You are. Tall, dark, and handsome. Hey. So we might be drunk. Are we getting? What are we getting? I'm already done. I need another one. But we got another show after this. Just saying. Oh, shit. Okay. Who's coming on next? Bert Kreischer. So it's going to knock him. We'd be dead.

If he comes, we've got to block a week off. I've got to say, I do watch all your podcasts. DeRosa's been on the podcast before. Okay. I love your podcast with DeRosa. It's killer. The ones with Chris are hilarious, too. But the DeRosa one gets so taste buds, it's called. It gets so heated. You get so heated. So I was watching a bunch before you came in here today, and I just wrote down some of your takes. You're a Skittles guy.

When Skittles went up against who? He went at Sour Patch Kids, right? You like Skittles better? Over Sour Patch? I don't do sour. Are you Skittles too? Yeah, Sour Patch. I told him, why do I have to get through a candy? Ha ha!

Exactly. He went nachos over sushi, I wrote down. Oh, that's crazy. That's the Staten Island in you right there. Yeah, I can't go – because I can make nachos at home. I can't do that with sushi. If I had to not eat one for the rest of my life, I don't know. I think – But nachos is a wild card. I don't know what I'm getting every time I order it. That's true. But same with sushi. Same with sushi. Sushi is the most organized food on the planet. No, but you don't – if you go to a bad place, you're in trouble. Mm.

What are you, one of the Buc-ees? Where are you getting sushi here? I tell you, I won't walk into a sushi place unless I Yelp it or Google it first. That's fair. These are like episode six. We were more passionate. We are passionate now, but there was like the first like 30 or 40 we didn't have to try. I'm like, you like this? He's like, I hate that. I hate that. And then we would fight. It's not hard to fight him. You know, he fights immediately. Yeah, he does. What's the most heated argument?

Oh, man. Cookies versus cake. Cookies for something. I remember we would. I got I almost I got purple screaming at him. The first thing that it started, we were on vacation and he told me a cinnamon raisin bagel is better than everything. That's insane. And I and I and I we went we were fighting for three days. I don't mind. I said this could be.

podcast this is your big day that's so fun we got drunk one night i don't know what we were doing it was something you and i yeah me and you got hammered and we were at the stand underground it was all closed up and your shit face breathing all over me going i got two pods ideas and i was like oh yeah yeah you know everybody says that and he's like well i went to rosa i'm like he's still doing it

We talk about food. I'm like, oh, yeah, great. We're both blacked out, like leaning on each other. And the other one's called Hey, Babe. I'm like, oh, hey, babe, that'll be great. And they're both great. But I remember you telling me these...

Two years ago, three years ago. And they came to fruition. They were a long time coming. Then the pandemic hit, and I was like, no better time. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, the fights with food are great, man. We wanted to do something that was mindless, you know? Yeah. Well, the country's fighting about everything. At least now they're fighting about something silly. Yeah, we wanted to apply the passion to nothing. Yeah. That's brilliant. Yeah. I love it. Sour Patch, come on. What's a controversial food opinion you have?

Controversial? Yeah. You got one? I don't know. We all have something we hate that everybody loves. I don't know. Is there anything you love that everyone hates or something you hate that everyone loves? I mean, at this point, we've done like seven. I got mine. What do you got? I think it's overrated. Everybody's like, this changes everything. Bacon. It's fine. Bacon's fine. Oh, you put bacon on my dad's dick. I'll blow him up. It's like, all right. Bacon's fine. We did bacon versus sausage. I took bacon. I did win.

You won with bacon? It's more versatile. It's more versatile. I'll give you that. Have you ever had chocolate-covered bacon? No.

No, what is that? It's like a speedball. It's too much. They do a little chili in there, a little spice. It's too much. The Canadians do the chocolate potato chips, too. I like anything in chocolate. It's pretty good. It is good, but it's like my thing with bacon, that I'm with you. I hated in the early aughts when bacon was someone's entire personality. Yes, yes. When they're just like, I like bacon. And you're like, yeah, everyone does. I like it, but it's not a godsend.

sandwich. I agree. You get a turkey club. You're looking forward to that bacon. It's an accent. You get a little bacon in your salad. You're looking for pieces of bacon. Sure, sure. You know, I got flipped on one. There was one I hated and I got flipped on it. What? A pear. You hate a pear? I did. I love a pear. I'm telling you guys in the minority. Really? Not a lot of people buy and eat pears. No, no one buys them. I don't buy them. So where do you get them? My mom used to grow them.

okay again i'm from but i asked my whole crew this on who here buys and eats pears here's the problem with the pair two people raise their hand a pair it's like a jewish person you might get a bad one you know no i'm joking but a pair it's like sometimes it's mealy and well i didn't have a good pair you gotta have a good never had a good pair will change your life well that's what happened i had a good

And I said, I literally have to admit right now I was wrong. I didn't know these pears exist. Yeah. It's the opposite of a woman. If it's too wet, it's a disaster. And with this weight gain, you got a solid pear. Isn't it ironic I became the pear? You're shaped. I found a fruit that I never knew existed before last year, and it is my favorite of all time. Don't tell me.

Passion? Dragon. No. Pomegranate? No. It's a strain of a popular fruit. Mandarin orange. What do you call it? Clementine. No. Peach. It's a certain peach. A certain peach. It's like the Charlie Murphy of the peach. It is. I bit into it, and I literally just, whoever was closest to me, I would have punched him right in the mouth. Wait, what kind of peach? I couldn't believe what I was tasting. What? It was a taste explosion. Saturn peach. Saturn?

Horrible car. Look it up. That's the wreck. Doesn't even exist anymore. Look up a Saturn peach. It's hard to get in season. If you get it in season, you bite into it, I promise you. It's like Indiana Jones. It will change fruit. It will change fruit for you. I've never even seen a Saturn peach. It looks like a fat ass on this peach. Where do you get one? Nor did I. I found them at Trader Joe's. Oh.

Trader Joe's is not known for their produce. I will say, I got two times that they were fast. They were unbelievable. And then the next five times I tried to recreate it, they were god awful. I think it's about getting them right in the right sweet spot. Well, wait a minute. Does it have the fuzz?

Like a peach? The peach fuzz? Yeah, in a way, yeah. Because that fuzz is a bummer to me. Yeah, it is a little weird. But you get through the fuzz and you say it's magic. Yeah, I didn't really see fuzz, but I mean, don't all peaches have fuzz or no? Yeah, that's why I don't love the fuzz. Too much fuzz is bad. No, it wasn't too much fuzz. It was a good amount of fuzz. What about, okay, I got one for you, a controversial food take for me. Just overrated. I don't dislike it, but it's just overrated. Okay, I can't wait. Mac and cheese. Oh.

I just find it to be over. Look, if you make a lot of bad mac and cheese. That's the problem. Mac and cheese, I'll tell you on the podcast, is a powerhouse. It's a certain powerhouse. It's up there with pizza and stuff. Fried chicken, things like that. But I think pizza's never bad. It's not.

It can be not as good as normal. I've had bad pizza. I guess you can have bad, but bad pizza is better than bad mac and cheese to me. Bad mac and cheese can be bland. That's just carb all day, carb overload, and bland. I'm getting the worst of both worlds here. Look, if you're doing one of those special mac and cheeses, there's breadcrumbs in there. If it's like one of those. All jalapeno. I'm into it. Some fried shrimp in that shit. Woo!

You got a shell. You got a nice shell with a nice golden crunchy on the top. Crunchy is huge. Cut it out like with the spatula. Now we're talking. You just string the cheese. Maybe it's a three to four cheese blend. I'm hard. The blend. Yes. But I do find that I've had a lot of bad mac and cheese in my day. Another personality. I'm a mac and cheese girl. They have restaurants dedicated to mac and cheese. They don't serve anything else. And you're like, come on.

Branch out. Live your life. It's a basic bitch thing, mac and cheese. Yeah, it is. Yeah, you're right. But I get it. But there is great mac and cheese. But you're right. I think it's a little overblown. A little overblown. A lot of – now we're talking like not like actual product, like actual product placement. But we also do like actual sold on shelf products. And a lot of those have taken a hit in quality over the years. Now, one of our first things that was really controversial was Oreo versus Chips Ahoy.

Wait, what? Oreo versus chips. Who takes chips ahoy over Oreo? Thank you, sir. What are you saying, Mark? I eat chips ahoy all day. What? All day. What are you guys? Oreo? Oreo changed the game. Dude, chips ahoy has fallen off hard. I haven't had an ahoy recently. They're smaller. There's less chips. They're undercooked. They taste like chemicals now.

Oh, I think Oreo were chemical the whole time. Look how many Oreos. To this day, Oreos like heroin, bro. Look how many jobs Oreo has given to people. We've got the lemon cream. We've got the golden Oreos fucking good, dude. I don't know what that is. Oreos in everything. It's Oreo this, Oreo that. People borrow Oreo to put in their shit. Oreo for a topping on ice cream. I just find it hard to be the... You ever had a soft batch?

That's Keebler. Yeah, I had a soft patch. You can't beat a chocolate chip, I think. Oreo is a classic, dude. It's not chocolate chip. It's Oreo versus chips. All right, all right, all right. This is a great chocolate chip cookie. No one's denying the power. Okay. Might be my favorite thing. Here's another controversial. Can't beat it. I got another controversial take. Oatmeal raisin, love.

I like oatmeal raisin. I'm okay on them. A good oatmeal raisin cookie is outrageous. Outrageous. It's outrageous, but you don't have them often. They're not that great when they're packaged. That's right. You're going to a bakery or you're getting a little upscale one. Now you're in the ballpark. Look, suffers from a similar problem to the mac and cheese, which I brought up earlier. Yeah, grandma makes mac and cheese, Oreo. I mean, mac and cheese.

What's the other thing? Cookie? Chipsahoy. No. Oatmeal. Yeah, grandma makes oatmeal cookie or mac and cheese. It's in. Store makes it. Not in. Yeah, fair enough. It's got to be made with love. So we've branched off a little bit to not just food battles, so we do like other things too now. But we're going to start a powerhouse tournament regardless of what you are. Jews versus Palestine. Something like that. All right. Mark has to work with one every week, so I know he's going to be against. We might be doing a battle of the –

Titans Titans. Oh, wow. Pizza. Oh, that's like the Olympics versus. Yeah. Christmas. Well, you know which side I'm on. It's a pay-per-view event. You know which side? This isn't easy. I'm going pizza all day. I don't have Christmas 40 nights a year.

Oh, good point. Good point. You're saying you would sacrifice Christmas for pizza. Look, Christmas does a lot of good. And I'm not going to deny that. People look forward to Christmas. It's an important day. Do we lose Christmas movies? Christmas is gone. The whole thing is gone. You got no Christmas. Forever? You got to pick one.

None of your childhood Christmases exist. None of the magic. None of the nostalgia. You're not hurting me now. Oh, the day I went to watch the Knicks lose to the Lakers by 18 is gone? Ouch. A couple of Chinese foods. Yeah, come on.

I mean, look, even as a Jew, I have to admit, I love Christmas. I even like Christmas music. Me too. I love it. I know, but you guys should like Christmas music. I don't get people who don't like it. I'm lighting these Christmas candles now. I get crazy when there's too much Christmas music by the end. By late December, I'm like, all right, I'm out. But when it starts creeping in, like November, I'm like, well, I'm into this shit. I'm November 1st. Yeah. And I'll tell you another thing. I don't shy away from just throwing one on mid-year.

I'm just going to let it snow in the fucking summer. You'll throw on Jingle all the way in June? I'll do it. Me too. At the bar I worked at, I used to throw a Christmas in July party. Wow. Man, that's like being nice to Blackpool in March. What's that? Nothing, nothing. What'd you say? That's like being nice to Blackpool in March. February's over. All right, no. All right.

But again, Christmas and pizza, I feel like you're jumping the shark here. These are two different worlds. It's hard to argue. That's what it is. Okay, okay. You see? Which side are both of you taking? It's going to be in a tournament, so I'm not sure yet. I'm not sure yet. I got to be honest. I don't know what I would do there. I don't know what I would do. Pizza is everyone's favorite food. Christmas is my favorite holiday. Well, it's that Dave Attell joke.

I can't remember the setup, but the punchline is, well, it's all your favorite things. If you name a boat. Pizza Pussy Christmas Santa. Yeah, there you go. Is that what he said? Pizza Pussy Santa, I think. Yeah, Pizza Pussy, because everyone likes one of those things. You know what would be a fun idea for your show? And feel free to kick me in the balls here. I've been drinking Japanese whiskey. But you get two high-profile lawyers who...

And give them a thing. And then you and Joe team up and you guys debate with lawyers because you guys are pros now. Us versus them. Us versus them. I love that. You guys are two brilliant arguers. I love that. And now you got two professional arguers make a case against these lawyers. I love it. You know if you got comics who used to be lawyers.

So you got Dan Aderman and Allie Bell up in that. Hey, good call. Good call. Wow. I think Dimitri was a lawyer. We haven't had many guests. We've only had a couple because I film it out in Staten Island. But we're actually branching out now. So we're bringing in all guests. We're doing three ways, four ways, team ups, all that shit now. If you guys want to team up against two right here, it could be a We Might Be Drunk debate. We'd love to have you on. We'll go to the island. You guys want to do it? Yeah.

You used to take that ferry over there? I love the ferry. I'm right by there. It's not far. By the way, Jost is doing a ferry show. I did it first. Oh, yeah. You did it on Fallon. Tonight show, yeah. Yeah. What did you do? I did a... During the pandemic, I had a Fallon waiting. You know, they're like, hey, are you going to do Fallon COVID hits? So I was like, I still want that Fallon. I still want that spot. I did too, but it was going to be a Zoom, so I didn't do it. I didn't want to do Zoom either. So I said...

All right, you got to be outside. Shooting outside sucks. Let's at least make it interesting. I got my guys, my camera crew. We shot a set on the Staten Island Ferry. So we're outdoors. What? We're on a ferry. It's different. It's new. It was great. You just did it guerrilla or they let you? I did it guerrilla and they took it. No one on the ferry came up to you and said, you can't do this?

They did after, but we got it. We got it in the can. We also brought a drone. The wind took the drone right into the sea. And it cut Dominic's hand, right? That's right. Yeah, his hand's bleeding. Salacuse filmed it, and Dominic Mull, who did my roof thing, he did the drone, and he did that for Mark's thing, too. And the propeller from the drone cut his hand bad.

No way. Yes, that's right. Where did you set the mic up? You did it outside, inside? We brought a big speaker. It was just mic, cord to speaker. And we got a couple of ferry goers and I got a couple of fans out there and they just stood there in the freezing cold. Outside. Outside on the back end of the boat where you get off to get on. You're shitting me. And did you do the set from Manhattan to Staten or Staten to Manhattan? We did it from Manhattan to Staten to run it. And then we got it back.

So you only had people that were on? You happened to have just people that were commuting on that ferry? I had about six people who were fans. I just wrote a tweet like, hey, this is a crazy thing. I know this is ridiculous, but come on out and watch. So how many people were watching? Probably about 12. That's it? That's it. And you put that on Fallon? Yeah, they bought it. Was there enough of a feedback? Well, we cleaned the sound up like a motherfucker because it was so...

And here it is. Dude, I had no idea. Nobody saw it. At least show a bit, Matt. It's pretty cool. Wow. The sound isn't great. Hey, hey, folks. This is it. It looks beautiful. Here we are on the Staten Island Ferry in New York City. You're shitting me. That wind was so crazy. This is good times. Good to be here. They played this version on found with the wind. It's the economy that's sinking. There they are. People. It was like the Wild West during COVID. I can't believe we're all here because some guy made love to a bat.

Speaking of Batman, they actually shut down the production of the movie Batman because Batman got Corona, which doesn't shock me too much because the wrong part of his face is covered. Oh, really? Yeah, I'd love to watch my act.

Wow. And you guys, that like the doc is like the light. You got to just like look back and be like, Oh shit, I got to wrap this up. Exactly. Exactly. But a bunch of like, uh, fairy guys, like doc guys were like watching me from a top level, like, uh, and that was totally in my head the whole time. Where'd you get that? And you had to do that.

Huh? How'd you get, like, you just thought of it? Thought of it because I knew I wanted to, it had to be outside because they were so COVID strict. And I was like, outside, outside, how do we make the roof? And so I said, New York Comedy Club, can I do it on the roof? And they said, someone already did that. And then I said, what about this? No, what about the top of the Empire State Building? No, fairy. Would you boom the audience or would you do it? Yeah.

Big boom. Wow. And that played on Fallon. Yeah. Nobody cared. I was like, this is going to change it. It's like a Tom Green sketch. Holy shit. Nobody gave a shit. That's so cool. Yeah, it was fun.

Yeah, yeah. Now they got that ferry. I don't know how you're going to put in tens and tens and tens and tens of millions of dollars to turn that around. I don't know about it. So Colin Jost and Pete Davidson bought a boat. I don't get why. I mean, you know, if you're from Staten Island, like it was so I saw someone sent me the link that it was going to be on for sale.

And I thought, I didn't know, I didn't realize it was a, uh, I didn't realize it was a, uh, uh, uh, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

And you don't understand. That's low. The ferry to me is like church. Yeah. It really is. It's steeped in who I am. Sure. So for 125 to own a boat. And by the way, it was the John F. Kennedy, the JFK. I took that boat every single day. Really? Yeah, every day for a decade, like for more. So I was like, wow, that's not –

That's not too much. Now, I didn't know what the implications were for making a purchase like that. Yeah. And I got that text on a Monday. I texted two friends, and I said, should we buy this? I didn't know for what. I said, should we just buy it? I don't know. We've got to find out what the holding costs are. But at $125, if it's good finance or whatever the hell it is, and figure out what to do, I don't know what we're going to do with it. And then less than 48 hours later, they bought it. But I wouldn't...

But I'm glad I didn't. How do you buy a ferry together? Right. What does that mean? I'm sure somebody got Venmo'd. I guess Paul Italia bid on it for Colin P. or whatever, and they just, I don't know what they worked out, but they have plans for it. I talked to Colin. They just did it blindly. So he doesn't even know the holding costs. Wow.

Wow. He was like, we kind of made a snap judgment. He goes, I think it's going to be a losing proposition maybe, but we're going to really work on it, get invested, try to dock it, and try to make it into something. I think it's a really cool idea. Great idea. It's cool that they're both Staten Island guys. I love it. I love it. That's huge. Yeah, but it's so cool. But yeah, and I was like, you know, I might have been –

I might have gone in on that if I was in the conversation, but in hindsight, I'm glad that I didn't. It is going to be a tough, that's a lot of money. Yeah. To hold it, to dock it, to repair it, to all that stuff. So, in theory, it was great and I wish them well, but I like, I'm like, I'm probably glad I didn't do it. Yeah, no, it's going to be a headache, but.

But I think the demand to go, just the idea, the novelty of it, I think will bring people out. Yeah. You know, hey, stand-up show on a boat. It's pretty. I mean, you'd do it, right? I would do it in a second. That's cool. I've done it. Yeah. Why not? So I like that Pete and Colin are going for it. Yeah. Like, yeah, let's try something crazy. But I think it will be tough to keep... We'll see where it goes. ...to sustain. Yeah. Yeah. And maybe in like...

30 people buy subway cars or something. That would be like the most rich move. Get this homeless guy jacking off. It's mine. I own that. It holds over 5,000 people. What? Yeah, man. Are they going to have yacht parties on a Staten Island ferry? That's what I'm saying. Just spruce it up, dock it.

and throw events. Yes. I'm sure they'll do. What's the move, though? This is just an old boat. They're still doing the ferry, obviously. Yeah. All right, all right. Ferry's 24-7, 365 free.

It used to be a quarter. It used to be a quarter, 50 cents, token. When did that go away? A long time ago. Okay. Also, no cars anymore since 9-11. That's when it changed? That's pretty recent. Yeah, 9-11. It was cars every... Well, there was boats that handled cars and boats that didn't. Ah, I got you. I love that. Growing up, we pulled our car right on that shit. Wow. Amazing, if you think about it. Yeah. We just lined up, pulled our car on, then pulled out in Manhattan. That's amazing. Wow. It seems like so foreign now, but... But you remember that. Yeah.

Oh, I mean, it was my, I mean, I was only 20 years. I, I, that was into my mid twenties that we did that. Wow. Yeah. And now it's like, and it's like, it's, you know, it's crazy. It's like, I don't know what nine, I guess it's like,

Yeah, you're like, okay, we're exposed here. There's a risk if someone brings a car. After that, it was like anything can happen. But it's like the guy who lit his shoes. One guy lit his shoes, failed. No more shoes. 30 years globally, no more shoes. It's wild. He failed. I know, but all you have to do is sign up for clear or pre-check and you get around that. Which I am. Thank God. I see people taking shoes off now and I'm like, sucker. It's like the people that don't have E-ZPass.

It's crazy. Right. Well, I've had friends who are like, I don't want to be on the grid. I'm like, you're that dude. That dude is making your life less comfortable. You be on the grid. I mean, what do you got to. But don't you worry that the government is saying, hey, we're going to set this rule unless you pay.

So they're not really worried about us. They're like, give us the money and we'll let you keep your shoes on. Because you've got to pay for Clear. Clear is a private business. I know, but I'm just saying it proves that they don't actually give a shit about you. If they're like, all right, pay a couple bucks and we'll let you. I think the idea is that you're vetted.

You check your fingerprints. They do a background check. So you pay with the ID. Well, you did for TSA Pre. Maybe not, but for Pre you did. But what happened was TSA Pre was the jam. And then all of a sudden TSA Pre lines were out the door. So they had to come up with something else. Uh-huh.

You can keep giving more. You gotta. I love clear. It's the only way. Clear has saved my ass. You can roll, it's a couple hundred bucks, whatever it is. If it saves your ass once, it's worth it. Think about how much more we're going to have to give up in like 10 years. Like what? I don't know. With the next line, there's going to be a third line. Everyone's going to have clear. We're going to have to, they're going to be like, do a dance.

and we're like, you gotta do a dance if you wanna get the third one. Oh, you in the foreskin line? Yeah, they got my foreskin. Has your guys' travel recently with COVID and shit been, my travel has been nightmarish. I've had the worst luck. I've had seven, eight, really? I have seven or eight flights in a row that were canceled in a row. In a row. On over three multiple weekends. Always United. Well, that's your problem. Yeah, they cancel.

I can't believe the airline that suffocated a puppy in the overhead. Yeah. It's fucking up. They're the worst. Always United. Lost my luggage. Damn. What does that have to do with COVID? I stick Delta for the most part, and I've been pretty lucky. Delta's good. Delta's good.

JetBlue's pretty good. JetBlue's great. The sleeper one, Southwest is a sleeper. They're a sleeper, but they fucking, it's shady. It's a little too egalitarian for me. You think so? I don't know. Socialist. Yeah. I like it. I took your advice. Oh, hell yeah, dude. Love it. What do you got there? Well, I was a, I'll take a frontier, whatever I got. I finally got this. Don't put that up on the fucking podcast. Oh, geez. Sorry.

Good point. Can you blow that, Matt? Yeah, all right. It's a SkyMiles car because I want that lounge, motherfucker. The lounge is big. Yeah. Especially on delays. Yes. Yeah. A little hack if you don't know. Have you got an Amex? We know all the hacks. Joe Mackey. A business Amex? What? Joe Mackey. If you got a platinum business Amex, you get it in a lounge free. Yeah. Ah. Yeah. And if you have two of them, right? Like, just order another one. They send it to you free.

And then you have one in the pocket you can give to your friend. They never check the name. You just show it. You get in. Oh, wow. So you can order another one. They'll send it to you in the mail. You have two. They both work. Wow. And you just use one to give to your friend to get into the lounge for free. Otherwise, you got to pay. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to do it.

The United Lounge, by the way, which I've gotten into many times, not great. Nah. Kind of a waste. It's like ramen noodles and handy snacks and cheese doodles. And you're like, what are we doing? I'm in the lounge. We were in a time machine when I was 12. Yeah, exactly. I went into the Virgin Atlantic Lounge in London. Oh, the International is a different world. Can I tell you something? I've never seen it. It was like a, it was the most, I wanted to stay. Yeah. They had full private, full private.

private bathrooms with showers. They had a lounge with a pool table. They had a TV movie area.

They had a menu that they give you to bring you food, not go up and serve yourself. It was lights out. I was like, I cannot believe what I'm looking at. There's a woman dancing to She's My Cherry Pie. High-speed Wi-Fi. Just looking around. I only did it once, but it was like, I mean, it was a real experience. Yeah, I did the lounge and I did the Melbourne Comedy Fest, and they hooked you up with business class.

The lounge was incredible. It's like you said, I didn't want to leave. And the flight was amazing. It's a 24-hour flight or 24-hour flight. And you were in lay flat bed? I was in lay flat, but I didn't need it. I mean, I had a nonstop scotch. The food was amazing. You got food anytime you wanted. But you got to sleep on that, right? You could sleep. You could go back pretty good, but it was just...

Beautiful. I didn't want it to end. Yeah, it helps. Now, let me tell you something. I went to Australia once. I never thought I would go. I can't sustain a flight like that. It's a nightmare. I saved up. I spent. I got business class. It was $7,500 ticket. I tell you this. The flight was full. It was direct from LA. I went to LA, then direct. I got on the flight. I get to my seat. My fucking seat is broken.

It was a lay flat. This piece right here was like it was Velcroed on. I sat in. It sunk all the way in. It was like there was no give on it. Like there was no support. It fell all the way in. I got up. I pulled it off. It was a little flimsy thing with Velcro on it. What? And it was broken. So I said, whoa. We didn't take off yet. Yeah. So I called the lady. The lady called the guy. The guy came with the neon vest. Uh-huh. Right? And he's working on it. And then he goes, man, I'm sorry. There's nothing we can do about this.

And I said to the lady, I paid $7,500 for this ticket. Good for you. I bought a lay flat. I've been waiting for this my entire life. It's my first time to Australia. You need to fucking fix this. Yeah, we got a 20-hour flight cooking here. So she calls another couple people and she goes, I'm really sorry. We can't fix it. What I'll do is I'll give you two seats.

put the seats on top of each other. Maybe we just have a little extra support. And I was like, I had to go. And I was like, you tell me this is the only thing. So I folded my hoodie. I put it inside the seat. I put two seats on it. It still felt like absolute shit. It didn't stick. So it was like, it was like slipping out from 24 hours straight. You know what she did? She came over in mid flight and she goes,

you know, we're really sorry about your experience. So we want to help you in some way. So here you go. And she hands me a fuck. Just me. She hands me a cheap bottle of fucking champagne. Oh, gee, what do you want me to celebrate here? How fucking shitty this is. No. Wow. Put them on blast. Uh,

The main, I don't know. It wasn't like the ones we, it was like the Australia. No, it wasn't Emirates. Look it up, Peters. Get the Australian line on the horn. It's not even the champagne. It's sparkling apple juice. Drink it. And we had these like cubby holes to put all shit in. I just put it in there and left it there. Damn.

Man, you're a good dude. I mean, you could have tweeted all day long, hey, Dickless, or whatever. I found that it works against me. Q-Link, Pelican, Hinterland, Jetstar. Nope. Go back up. I think we might have missed it. Topand, Unity. Nope. Damn. Unity. Yeah, I don't know. They're digging a little hard on that. There's a deli in Manhattan called the United We Stand Deli, and I'm like, settle down. Oh, Qantas. Qantas. Qantas. That's it. Qantas, Qantas, Qantas. They're big. I've heard of them. Yeah, that was it. Qantas Leap. Ah.

Worst show ever. Yeah. That's what I flew, actually. They didn't do shit. Wow. What assholes. But I found that if I use Twitter to get justice, I get shit on. I was like, just fucking calm down, you fucking celebrity. Whatever they say. I'm like, I'm a human being that values the dollar. Yes. You paid that money, Dan. That's crazy. Yeah. I didn't do it for that. But one time I remember I bought a pair of Nike Tech shoes.

bullshit pants that were like, I splurged. I was like, I'm going to buy it. You're a sneaker guy too. I'm a sneaker guy. I bought these Nike. They were $210 for these sweatpants. Again, never purchased a sweatpant. I never purchased a sweatpant over 50 bucks in my life. I put them on. They were thin leg. They looked good. They were like elevated. I could wear them out. I could dress them up a little bit. It was like a utility pair. I'm like, I'm going to splurge.

210 versus, wow, I mean, that's like paying 500 for Crocs. It's wild. Yeah. It's wild. But they were like this technology. It was like, you know, it was in like the Nike flag. It was whatever. I splurged. I bought two pair, black and gray.

And immediately they fell to shit. They were like bullshit. And so I was like, I'm going to tweet them. So I tweet. I say, Nike, I spent this money on this thing. And man, Nike shut me down publicly. Whoa. They were like, yeah, nope. Like literally on Twitter. And then everybody else was like, you fucking spent $200 on sweatpants, you asshole. What? I took a chance, guys. I'm middle-aged. I have no kids. I've been saving for a while.

Like, I've been saving for a while. Like, let me just. I have no kids. This is all I have. Yeah. I have no kids. So they shit on me for that. And then they shit on me for Nike shitting on me. Wow. And that was it. I was just left. I got the pants still. I'm shot. I mean, I've shit on air. You can shit on Biden. He apologizes. I can't believe you get people just think like, you know, because you're rich and successful. Not really. I mean, I guess I don't know what is TV star. Yeah, I guess so. But they really they really don't like. Why?

But I am. My opinion on money has not changed a single bit. No, I'm the same. A single bit. Why would it? Same. How you're born. How you're raised. I'll spend money on food and that's about it. Bedding. Footwear. Experiences. Good sheets are very important to me. Mattress sheets. I thought you meant bedding. No, no. Bedding. Be a good cutaway to DraftKings. Literally put money into your bed.

Yeah, because you're in eight hours a night. Your sheets, your pillows. Buy a $200 pillow. Buy a $5,000, $6,000 bed. I mean, put it on a plan. Do it if you can do it. Just do it. They have interest-free shit. Do it. We got Mike Lindell here. Yeah.

Next up, he's like, January 6th was pretty cool. You got to get a good pillow if you're going to sleep at the Capitol. You got to rest up. We got a storm. You are on your bed one third of your life. Yeah. Well, not us. Put the money in. The three of us. Yeah, it's true. But yeah, that's what I said. And you're standing.

This is the first year Mark and I have stayed in nice hotels. Like, you know, like we... I barely do. You really... It makes a difference. I should. I just had this conversation. You don't do the road every week, Mark. No, you're right. You're right. And we're not even staying in the Four Seasons. We're just staying in something not shitty. Right. My manager sat me down when we really started... Like, I really started doing like...

50, 60, 70, whatever it is. And he was like, you have to... Because I wouldn't. And he's like, you have to fly first class. He goes, and you have to... You have to upgrade the hotel. You got to make it amenable to you. You can't just be grinding and then get on a plane and be uncomfortable and get there and you get in the room and it's not good. And then you're just like, you hate your life. You got to just...

Oh, thank... This is great. This seat is great. This room is great. It'll help and it'll go a long way. And I didn't want to spend that money, but I changed a few years ago and it makes all the difference. Yeah. If you can do it. If you can do it. You put the time in, not. But if you can do it now, do it. Yeah, well, you talk to anybody who's a non-comic, any civilian, about traveling and they're like...

I had to go to Newark and then the airport took forever and then you end up like, I do that every week. I do that multiple times a week, you psycho. And we checked in the hotel, they weren't ready and we had to wait and you're like, yes, yes, that's my fucking life. That's my life. Oh, I remember so many times getting there like,

10 a.m. and they're like, you won't be ready till 3 and you're like, cool, I'm going to sleep right here. Right there. Yeah, exactly. Right there. And you know they can do stuff for you. You know that. It's all up to the person what they're feeling behind it. Every one of those people behind the desk has the power to do whatever they can for you. Good point. They all do. So you got to go in...

Up top, big smile. Yes. Like you don't need nothing. Like your room's already ready. You go in and you say, oh my God, you read the tag. Hello, Clarissa. How are you today? How are you? How are you? No, how are you? Yes. And then you smile and you say, I'm great. You know, like how's everything? How's the weather? You just make a little small talk. And then you'll see her go. And then she'll go.

You know what? It's not ready, but I have this other. Yeah, you're right. You got to get in early. I had that second cover. You could also say, Clarissa, your husband Phil and your kid Stuart, I found out all their names. If you don't make my room work out, bad things can happen. I have a set of unusual skills. Whatever he says. Clarissa, you go home tonight to Phil?

I had this at Cava. It was pouring down rain, and I went into Cava just to get out of the rain. It was in Wall Street area. I love Cava. Cava's underrated. Underrated. It's like a— Cava C-A-V-A? Yeah. It's like Chipotle, but Mediterranean. It's like a worldly Chipotle. It's more exotic. I thought Cava was literally a geographical location. It might be, actually. There it is. That's Cava. It's one of these bowl places, but it's nice. It's really good. It's very good.

So I went into Cava and I was like, all right, I'll buy a bowl. I feel bad. I was making jokes like, look, we're not going to lie to you. I just want to get out of the rain. And it's a couple of just a couple of knuckleheads behind the counter. And I'm busting their balls. And they gave me a free bowl because they can. They don't they don't care. Everybody can. Everybody can. That's his little known secret.

How often are you on the road and you pop into a diner and you're like, I'll just get a coffee, and you try to pay, and they're just like, that'll happen. That'll happen. They're like, just take it. You give them a little flavor. It happened in Alabama over the weekend. Wow. I'll tell you, that's all that happened in Alabama. That crowd did not like me. I'll tell you.

Those crap was that was the only goodwill I got that weekend Huntsville who you have the best crowd work clips on well, I record every set so it's not right every road said at least so it's you know, but that That crowd holy shit. They were really not easy. Yeah, I mean I feel like there's you work the weekend I did you work you have to work you had to work through every show and

Thursday was up and down. Friday early was really rough. They were stiff. Late show, they were just hammered. Saturday early was pretty good, and the late was great. But it's like, man, it was a tougher weekend than I've had since I've been back out there. Wow. Totally. Great club, though. The club was very well run, and it was just like, man—

It takes some getting used to, and that's okay, man. Like, it's okay to, you know, not... You make some necessary edits on those bad weekends, I think. So I'm okay with it. You know what it's kind of like? Sorry. No, go ahead. I like to watch these boxing documentaries. Oh, yeah. There's always these boxers that are just dominating. They win every fight. And then they go fight some guy who's tough and...

And they say it like, oh shit, it woke me up and I had to like try. And that's what these bad rooms, I was just in Syracuse and it was just like, oh, you got a, you think you're somebody? Right. We'll bring you right back down and you got to work it. You got to make it happen. It's also like, you're like, it's a mall in Syria because I figured I was helping out a little bit here. I know. This is not exactly, I didn't know there was like a hot thing to do in this town. I'm trying to bring a little joy. You bought a ticket and now you're mad at me. It's like the highest suicide rate in the country. Can you help out a little? Yeah.

I'm trying to turn things around for you. Yeah, meet me halfway. Do they do that to strippers? She's out there dancing, like, not feeling it. Yeah, they do. Not hard. Oh, okay. I don't think a stripper in Syracuse has a great life. Yeah, that's a tough one. It's me and my friend's birthday. Dance to Limp Bizkit. Meanwhile, it's Q up there. And you're like, keep dancing, Q.

I'll tell you another little loan hack. Please, hack it up. Another little loan, Mackie. Mackie. God bless him. One of the funniest guys in the world. You can ask for a sale, like a percentage off, in any store if you have the stones. Wait a minute. My friend used to work in retail. He used to work at Nordstrom Rack. Yeah. I love Nordstrom Rack. He was one of the top sellers on the East Coast. Wow.

Wow. And he let me know the inside scoop. And when I'm with him and we go out, he'll walk into a store and he just got balls and he just goes up and he goes and he'll ask for the manager who I was working at. Hey, what can you do for me today?

Whoa. He'll say it outright. He goes, I want the family. I want the employee rate, 20%. And they'll laugh. They can give it if they want. There's no one looking over it. There's no regulation. They can hit whatever button they want on there. And you could ask for it all.

the time Wow gets it like two third like 75% of time and then when sometimes it when he's with me he goes and I'm gonna shop because what are you gonna do for my friend Wow I won't say but he says it and people be like they laugh and like I I knew 20% day I love it charm man go cop if you have it in you to ask now here's my hack about retail I steal it

Mark really does steal. This is stolen from Uniqlo in Soho. Tell me. Swear. Swear it. I swear to God. I stole this from Uniqlo. I bought a little zip up and I stole this. Okay. Take me through it because I have a lot of questions now about you, about the process, everything. By the way, Mark, the more you admit to this on podcast, the harder it's going to be to get out of this when there's a record. You might be right. You might be right. But go ahead. Nobody's going to look. No one cares. Have you seen Rogan? No one keeps track of podcasts.

They're going to beep every time you stole something? Mark's compilation stealing stuff. Mark's Uniqlo theft. I stole in context. You stole from Uniqlo 17 times in 14 episodes. It was over years. But I stole, this is like, I don't know, two months ago.

So I knew I needed a little zip-up. I lost my zip-up. It got stolen. Did you go in knowing you were going to steal? No. I knew I wanted the jacket. It took over you. Like a flea. What do you call those? Puffy things. Puffy jacket. Oh, like a little Patagonia-type deal? Yeah. Oh, yeah. They have great ones there. They're reasonably priced. Exactly. That's why I went. So I went. It's on Broadway. You didn't go because it was reasonably priced. Uniclo's got good deals. They do. So I went there. And the last one I had that got stolen, by the way, Carver,

I guess they didn't do it. Okay. But it got stolen, so I was like, I want that one again. That's trash. Stealing a jacket. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm going to steal a used jacket? Right. I mean, unless you're homeless. Stealing a new one. That's class right there. Okay, so you go in, and you're going in for the puffer. Yes. All right. So I try on some puffs. I try on some puffs, and I go, you know, I do need a black sweater. Are you alone? Yes. Continue. You got to be alone. Do you ever do it with your lady? Nah, because I don't want to incriminate her. But you told her you stole that?

It's a thrill

Okay, come. Okay. Okay. Are you as into this as I am? I mean, I've heard it before and I still do. I still like it. No, I still like it. Have you told it on the pod already? Well, I stole a shirt last week and I told him that story. A different shirt? Mark steals constant. Mark stole a shirt that he wore on Conan that night. With the buzzer on it. Oh, that's legendary. Thank you. Thank you. Legendary. Oh, wow. We can pull that up. You can't see the buzzer, but it's on there. I can tell you which Conan it was. But either way.

So I go in and I put the buffer on. I'm like, this is the one. And then you pass by a sweater. You're like, that's a good looking sweater. Oh, there's no buzzer. All right, let me try the sweater on. Okay, it fits. Then you put the puffer on over it. You're like, all right, well, I'm buying the puffer.

So here's my move. I go up and buy the puffer with the sweater on. If they catch me, I'll go, oh, shit, I forgot. Obviously, I'm a puffer. Oh, that old chestnut. Well, obviously, I'm honest because I'm buying the one. So I'm willing to buy. Obviously, I'm honest. As you're telling the story about stealing. Wait, wait. In their mind. Do you keep the tag on the sweater? Yes. Oh.

Yes. So if they catch me, I will pay for it, and I'll play dumb. Well, hold on. Are the changing rooms unsupervised? Usually you go in, they go, hey, what's your name? Sometimes they write it, and they say, how many do you need? And they put the number on it. They scarlet letter you right on there. Sure. Well, what am I, an amateur? No, I put the sweater on in the hallway.

I just throw it on. You had the sweater on before you went into the fitting room. Yes. So it's premeditated. No, there's no fitting room. I put the sweater on. This is a fitting room. I mean, I didn't know it. But he doesn't use it, though. Oh. I put the sweater on in the hallway. Whoop. One swipe. Bam. It's on. And then I throw the puffer on. I go. It's too brazen to be a crime. Exactly. The brazen is the key. Right. Yes. And I do this at the airport, too. Seinfeld. They steal batteries, the old people. Yeah. Matt, you're going to have to clip this up. Mark's describing stealing in detail is fantastic.

So you say, okay, when you see it. Yeah. Yeah. I want to know the moment you're deciding to steal. The moment. The moment. Well, once it's on you, it's a lot easier. You're like, all right, I got it on. So before it was on, you weren't even considering. No. I tried it on. I was like, I got this. I knew I had it once it was on. So you put it on and then the seed. Yes. Was like, I don't need to pay for this. Well, there's always a seed. So did you put the jacket on at the register and you just go, oh, here's the tag. I want to wear it out. Yeah. Yeah.

And then they go, you got to take it off. And I go, okay, okay. And I take the jacket off. And they beep, boop, boop. No questions asked. And I walk out. I'm looking at your shirt right now. Yeah. That's a very standard shirt. So that could be bought anywhere. So I wouldn't know if I was an employee of Uniqlo. I wouldn't know if that was Uniqlo. Good point. So if you had a basic. Yeah. Like a solid color, a basic, a layer, a sweater, whatever. Then no one, that's balls if they're going to. But you take the jacket off. If they accuse you of stealing, you know that. Sure.

I had a friend who used to be security. If you accuse someone of stealing and you detain them and they haven't stole, you got a lawsuit on your hands, my friend. Oh, that's good to know. I didn't know that. Yeah. Okay. So you put it on. You said, I'm not going to pay. Don't egg him on. Now he's going to find a way to sue you. How much was the sweater? This sweater, I think, was like... Oh, that's a stolen one right there. This is a stolen one. All right. I think it was 40-ish.

Okay. And the puffer was 60. So is any part of you saying, okay, the consequences are not worth $40? Or are you saying this is bulletproof? It's bulletproof because if they go, hey, whoa, whoa, what's that sweater? I go, oh, shit, I'll pay for this too.

Then you're out. Boom. In and out. Wow. And you think you haven't done that? That's it? You've never gotten caught? Never. Never? What do you mean you've never gotten caught? I've done this a thousand times. You should see me at Hudson News at Newark. I'm all over the road. You're kidding. No, they got cameras. They got cameras. Never had a problem. What are you stealing? You stealing consumer reports? I take Dramamine, a wrap, usually a couple of hard-boiled eggs, and a water. And what are you stealing?

That's what I'm stealing. What are you paying for? No, not...

That's what stealing is. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Well, here's what I do. He's getting cocky. I'm getting greedy. I'm getting greedy. Where are you putting all this? I'll tell you where I'm putting it. So I got the roller. I will say they rape us at the airport. Yes. So this is a little bit of a justice thing. If you buy one Newsweek, you're fair. $9 for a New Yorker? Yes, thank you. So I got the roller bag. I put it all on top of the roller bag, just right on the top. And I roll out. I look around.

Before you know it, I make Terminal 3. I'm on the flight. Do the look around again. You do it every time? Every time. You always need something at the airport. You walk out with an egg salad sandwich laying on top of your carry-on. Yeah, carry-on. And you walk out...

Wrapped with other things. Eggs. Sitting right on it. And nobody ever was like, eh. Well, you got to think these people are all behind a counter. They got their face in the register. They got their face in the screen. Face on the lady. What about the cameras? Well, by the time there's some chooch in a camera room, in a newsroom, in the top tower, I'm already off to KC. Cumulatively, how much do you think you stole? Oh.

You'll be in the thousands? Forget about it. Thousands. Way over that. Are you serious? I'm more than 9-11 caused. Really? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. This is crazy. And you're going to do it again. You know that. Well, it's part of my routine now. Routine? It's part of pre-check. Did you ever think about what happens if you get caught? If you get caught and they don't forgive you. You know what's crazy? That's scary. It doesn't matter.

Right? Well, I mean... It doesn't really matter. You're not going to get booked. It's free press. You're not going to get booked at fucking Comedy on State because you stole a fucking tuna melt. The New York Post article that says Mark goes down will say you can see him at the Syracuse Funny Bone this weekend. He'll use it as a plug. He steals things, not material. Come see that at the Funny Bone. So when you walk into an airport, when's your next... When are you on the road? This weekend? This weekend in Omaha. So you're going to JFK? Newark. God bless. I'm going to Newark. I will see you there. All right. Friday? Thursday. Okay.

So you're going to Newark. You know walking in. I'm going to Hudson News. I'm doing my routine. I'm stealing stuff. So it's every time. It's part of it. And you are batting 1,000. Yeah, I've been caught. In dozens. Decades. Decades. Yeah. I'll send you a photo of it. I'll find it in my bounty next time. My booty. Do you feel weird making what you make and still stealing? No. It's like he said. It's all in there. It's in you. It's who you are.

I am beside myself. Well. Because it's par for the course. It's happening every time. You know you're doing it. Yeah. You always make that stop. Unless you're late. You're going to Hudson News. Yep. And you're leaving. You're stealing stuff. Yeah. I'll tell you my biggest bounty. Oh, sorry. Well, I'm going to ask you one question. At any point, your heart rate, does it spike at any point? Oh, yeah. Oh, it's spiking the whole time. Oh, it still does every time. Oh, yeah. Of course. Because I'm aware. Despite you batting 1,000, it spikes every time. Yes. Why would you –

Part of it, it's why do people bungee jump? Why do people skydive? Okay, so this is your bungee jump. Yes. But is it? Okay, continue. Yeah, so my biggest bounty, one time my flight got real fucked up and I had to sleep basically at the airport because I couldn't find a way. And they left the Hudson News gate down like this. You're like Tom Hanks in the thermal. I was like Tom Hanks. They left the gate down here and I had about a fucking two foot and I...

I rolled right under that gate and I was eating dinner in there. Oh my God, it was like the LA riots. It was like the riots. I was looting. I was like the guy of Louis Vuitton. What do you think about this? Is this you? Can you do it? Have you ever done it? I can't do it. No, he's an upstanding citizen. I can't steal from a Hudson News. I can't steal from a place. God forbid someone like...

Joker goes down. When I was younger, I went to a baseball card show. Do you remember those? Oh, I love those. Baseball. I don't even know if they do that. Were you a collector? Baseball. I mean, when I was in grammar school. I went with my best friend. We got to wrap up soon, but I want to hear this story. This is it. We'll wrap it up.

I went to a baseball card show. I was wearing a fanny pack. It was a short face. It was a short face. Big mistake. I was wearing a fanny pack. One of my best friends at the time, we go in, and somehow or another, he's deciding to steal cards. I remember it. A Kirby Puckett Topps 85 rookie, a Dallas Strawberry rookie, a Dwight Gooden rookie, a Don Manley rookie, a whole bunch of cards. He's got good taste. He's taking them. He's putting them in my fanny pack. I'm not taking them. You're an accomplice. Yeah, I'm an accessory.

We do the whole lap, and then my dad is scheduled to pick us up. So we're doing the whole lap. He's throwing my fanny pack. I got like a couple hundred bucks worth of cards in my fanny pack. Rookie cards up the ass. We go to leave when my dad's...

Coming to pick us up and as soon as we go to leave some guy gets in front of the doorway and stands in front of us He goes stop right now You're not walking out of here and at the same exact time my dad was entering and I saw And the guy was holding me and my dad was like what's the matter here like more about the guy like why even holding my son like really he goes What's going on? And the guy was like well your son stealing cards. Oh my dad is

Literally, I see him go up shade of like red he was I was I want to say I was 12 He takes me by my shirt and lists me in the air. He takes me by my shirt He goes is this true? He and that my dad never hit me in my whole life. He wouldn't even curse in front of me Yeah, he can say he was is this true and I I go is this he said is this a son? I've been raising And I pissed my pants

I don't blame you. Piss my pants. The guy felt so bad for me. The guy looked at me in the air pissing, and he was like, get out of here. And I went home with the cards. Whoa. My friend went home. We lived in apartment buildings right next to each other. So your dad was in on it. He got in no trouble. His parents were like, you stupid ass. You got caught?

He was outside doing fucking wheelies on his bike. My dad screamed at me. I was doing that like crying thing, right? And he left the house. I remember I was behind the sectional. I hid behind it because I was so scared. I was yelling. He went out. He came back. It was dark. I was behind the sectional still. He opened the door, turned on lights. He saw me back there, and he was like,

he's like, I'm really sorry about like, I yelled at you like that, but you can't do that. All right. So that was a fast forward. A couple of years later, it's Christmas time. We're in Sears. Remember when those wrestlers was WWF wrestlers, those like bendable, like those big wrestling buddies. Yeah. Okay. So we're in there and I'm shopping with him and I'm like, dad, can I get a wrestler? I'm like, I'm coming with you. I don't want to be here.

So I wanted Jesse the body Ventura. So my dad takes it. We get online at Sears. It's mayhem. There's like a long line waiting. My dad had to be somewhere. We're waiting. I see my dad getting impatient and patient. And I literally watched my dad go.

And then he breaks open the plastic, takes Jesse the body out of the packaging. And he goes, you know what? Let's go because I got to be somewhere. Let's go. And we start walking toward the door. And he has just the thing loose in his hand. And I'm looking at him. And we get to the vestibule. And we get to the vestibule. And I go, stop. And he's like, what? And I go, you're going to take Jesse the body of Ventura? And he goes, I'll come back. I'll pay for it tomorrow. I go, no. We're not going to steal that. I don't want to steal that. What? We're not going to steal that. And he looks at me and he goes,

You're right. We go back in. He gets the packaging. We stay in line for like 25 more minutes. He pays for it. And I took him to task for it. Wow. He helped me up. He pissed my pants. Look at that. I served justice. Cyclical. Came right back down. I thought it would have been a great end of the first stories if the dad sees you get away with that and he's like, we got a good thing going. Yeah, right. We just start conning people. You pee on command. I yell at you. We're taking tops and fucking bowers. We'll get a Honus Wagner in there. Wow. What a story. Yeah.

Man, well, there you go, foe. Where are you going to be, guys? Yeah, you can plug some dates out. Yes, I'm playing. Like you, you're May 7th at the Beacon. You're at 14th. I am May 14th at the Beacon. I love it. It was announced today. I don't know when this comes out. When does it come out? Two weeks. So that's it. Tickets are on sale right now. Hell yeah. I'm at the Beacon May 14th. I'm at the Ryman March 11th. Wow.

And everywhere else. I have like 20, 30 cities up right now. SalvocanoComedy.com. Please. We love you, man. Thanks for coming on. Bring Jesse the Body Ventura toys. I still have it. Oh, you still have it? Oh, you're a good son and a horrible dad.

Where are you going to be? I'm all over the place. Tampa, Cincinnati, Columbus, Louisville, Fort Wayne, Indianapolis, La Jolla. I'm in all of those too. Okay. Raleigh. Please check it. Chicago this summer. It's going to be marknormancomedy.com. Same. We're adding Chicago again. Taping something there. We got Sacramento, San Diego, Orlando, West Palm, Columbus, Salt Lake, Cleveland, the Beacon in New York.

So many cities. It's all on samorell.com slash shows. We keep adding shit. Brea, Toronto. Added a second in Toronto. I'm pumped for that. And remember, guys, we might be drunkpod.com. We got these glasses now. We got all kinds of shit. We might be drunkpod at gmail.com for the Patreon stuff. We love you. Keep listening. We'll see you soon. Thank you, Sal. We love you. This was a blast, boys. Thank you. Thank you for coming, Sally. Great up. Sunday Expander.

We might.