Ep 61: Drunk-a-Roos
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We might be drunk We might be drunk As long as we are hanging out You know we might be drunk Raise a glass, let's talk shit Hep heaps, rex and a bit Maybe drunk We might be drunk Yeah

Hey, hey, folks. Here we are. We're here. We're drunk. We might be drunk. We might be. What do you got? A Dunkaroo? This is the best Dunkaroo. Someone sent this in, the vanilla frosting one. This is my childhood. We've gone full special needs on this show. We're all in here. Oh, man. This is like a Handy Snacks. That's good.

Holy shit. God damn, that's pure jizz. I mean, that is so good. I swallowed. Did you do Handy Snacks or was that a Southern thing? What's Handy Snacks again? What?

With the cheese and crackers? Oh, yeah, those are good. Yeah, no, that's not a Southern thing. I just forgot. Yeah, yeah, the little red stick. Yes. That was every mom's nightmare because they were in that bin right by the register. And I was like, come on, mom. They're like 14 cents. He was like, all right, you're putting, you know, horrible things in your body, but fuck it. It was just anthrax and shit, you know? ISIS sent that one to the Pentagon. Yeah.

Exactly. Oh, Gal Gadot. Is that what you pulled up now? Yeah. So she, remember that song she did at the beginning of COVID when it was like, she did Imagine? Yeah. So she just apologized for it. Good. She said it was tone deaf. I hate when people apologize for stuff, but this warranted an apology. Oh, it was so cringy. So gross. When all the celebrities were singing Imagine? That was one thing about the pandemic was celebrities just became so...

off-putting. Like, we all knew celebrities are out to lunch, they're up in their ivory tower in Hollywood jerking each other off. But the pandemic, they all just, they had no movie roles, so they just got online and were annoying and dorky.

It was like less about us and more about them. Yes. And my wife, Stacy, was like, this is what happens when they're out of the limelight for five minutes. They need attention. They need it. So they put themselves out there in the weirdest ways. It all comes back to narcissism. It's tone deaf. Marlee Matlin was like, that was tone deaf. That was...

That was rough. It's one of those things where you're like, first off, my friend Joe Mackey would always say that Imagine is a bad song, which I think is hilarious. And I used to laugh. I'm like, okay, it's John Lennon. But then I listened to the lyrics. I'm like, it is kind of bad. Is it? Well, what's bad about it? It's just kind of horseshit. It's kind of not saying anything. It's just kind of like, well, Imagine things were good.

Well, it's also coming from a zillionaire. Imagine there's no possessions. I'm like, you live in a mansion with a white piano. You imagine there's no possessions. You want to live like us? You imagine. Exactly. And you're apparently hitting your wife, I've heard. I think his first wife. Oh, he hit his first wife. He couldn't hit Yoko. She was bobbing and weaving. His first wife sang Imagine. Imagine you didn't hit me. Imagine there's no black eye.

All right. Dude, these Dunkaroos, are you fucking kidding me? Get them away from me. Get them away from me. That's like cocaine. That is hilarious when people say, get them away. Get them away. It's yes. Yeah, I can't do it. It's tough. They're good. Woo. Yeah. That's not good for you. That is pure, like, grade A, right to the vein sugar. Colombiano. Yes. That's the stuff. The good stuff, you know? I saw this shit on Narcos. Ha ha ha.

What is it like? Tastes like your childhood? Is that what you're like? Take it. All sugar. Take one. That is high octane horse shit right there. That is fucking delightful. I can't believe we give that to children. They're going to be on the moon. Oh, it's just frosting. It's just frosting. It's frosting. Yeah, dude. It's so good. It's so good. Frosting fucking rules. Frosting's great. Paul F. Tompkins has a great joke. He's like, what's better, cake or pie? He's like, cake, because after you eat frosting, you feel shame.

Well, dude, frosting. Have you ever... I remember when I was like a kid, being like college, we'd have like frosting in the fridge because we're fucking degenerates. Oh, yeah. Then you eat it just straight. You're high as shit. And then you look at the back of the serving size and you're like...

Get me a shotgun right now. Yes, exactly. Did I just consume 5,000 calories in like four spoons? I know. How the hell did I do this? I know. And then you're like, wait a minute. And a tooth falls out. I mean, that shit is evil. Evil. Evil.

Damn, dude. That was a big trope in the 90s was like women would get sad and they would just eat a box of bonbons. I think that went away before antidepressants. Yes. Yes, exactly. Sugar. That'll help. Right. You want to kill yourself? Have a Malamar. Yeah. Stress eating was big. It's still big.

It's two years of a pandemic. It's fucking big. Every Bridget Jones's Diary or Sex and the City, they had a breakup and they'd eat a Haagen-Dazs out of the cart. That was always a big cliche. I like Bridget Jones's Diary. Yeah, I like it too. I think it's good. Aren't there a few of them? I think there's two or three. Two. Yeah. I like Old Sex and the City is killer. So good. That's a great show. The new one. Have you seen the new one? Oh, yeah. Woo!

They'll be apologizing for that in a year. I mean, that show is a nightmare. There's jokes you apologize for, and then there's content you apologize for. Exactly. I'll apologize for the—I won't, but the offensive shit I'd rather get shit for than just horse shit, cringey, you know, fluff that they're doing. I heard Chris Noth even cancel was like, thanks for killing me off early. Oh my god. That was pretty rough. I know. I love how transparent they are with like—

You got the trans part right. The first 10 seasons is we didn't have one minority. And now it's like, we're all pairing off with our new best friends. And each one happens to be a minority. It's like, okay. Yeah, the kids are trans. The wife's a lesbian. Miranda was like the smart one. She was a lawyer and all this. Now she's just ditzy and retarded. She's like, oh yeah, I love this woman now. And I'm with my husband, but fuck him. Is that what happened? I quit after half an episode. I couldn't take it. She's now hooking up with a non-binary woman.

A non-binary person. The writing is bad. And then it's like, we hate men, but this woman acts like a man, so she's cool. You know? It's all sloppy. Well, they really fucked up. I'm not talking about Miranda. I'm talking about the writers. Yeah. They. No, it's fucking dog shit what I saw. And I'm with you. I like Sex and the City. It was like a weird comfort wash for me on the road because it was so New York. So if it was on TBS or some shit and I was in a hotel room, I'm like, yeah, it's New York. I'm in fucking, you know.

This is like a comfort watch, you know? It was so New York. It was all Soho, Tribeca. It was great. The Brownstones. She lived, Sarah Jessica Parker, I don't want to give out her address, but she lives in the village. And I can see her house all day. It's great.

She's one of us. She's awesome. And she, I love Sarah Jessica Parker. She's so New York. And then, but then also you don't bring back, I watched the beginning of Sex and the City and the way they talk about Samantha is like the funniest shit I've ever seen where they're like, look, like she just changed. Like it's, you know, sometimes people, it's clearly about the actress. Yeah. But they're like, you know, sometimes you lose touch with people and they don't know what your friendship meant. Sometimes your agent wants more money. Yeah.

That's the most realistic plot line is the fact that these women can't get along. Mulaney had that great joke. He's like, there's Ocean's Eleven with a bunch of dudes robbing banks. There could be no Ocean's Eleven with women because four would pair off to talk shit about the other six. But then they did make it. They did. He made that joke before. Oh, he did? Yeah.

But, yeah, man, it is hilarious that they were like, well, we got to talk shit about her. We'll do it. But also, she was the best character. She was hilarious. She was the comic relief by far. Hey, you cut out the funny person. Cut out the slutty girl. She was great. Now, here's a big dude question.

Who's the hottest ranking in your mind? Sex and the City? Yeah, like who's the prettiest or most sexy or whatever you want to say. I mean, Samantha was probably one just because she was the biggest slut. Yeah. And she was the funniest. Yeah, yeah. I mean, she was the wittiest, I thought. Yeah, for sure. How about you?

I got a weird crush on... I know you're going to say Sarah Jessica Parker. SJP. I knew you'd say it. I love that crazy mug. I love her freewheeling fun attitude. I love the crazy hair. I love her outfits. I think she's so sexy. For me, it's big.

Me personally, I'm an Aiden man. Yeah. No, it's... Who would have thought we'd talk about this shit on the podcast? Don't tell me we don't have levels on this podcast. We're talking about sex in the city. The show is good. If it's good, it's good. It is good. And it's like cheesy in a fun way. Yes. Where like the writing's a little punny and cheesy at times, but I still kind of liked it. Loved it. It's a comfort watch. Yeah. But yeah, man, I don't know. Like, yeah, I got to go...

Here's the thing about Charlotte. Like, on paper, very hot. Good looking lady. But...

You know she's not doing shit in the bedroom. She's a boring life. I'm talking about the character, not the... I met her, actually, in a diner once when I was in, like, seventh grade, maybe eighth grade, and I remember I went up to her. I was with my friends. We were in, like, our basketball... Was she on Sex and the City at the time? Yeah. Whoa! And I was in my basketball uniform. We were all coming from practice, and I saw her in a diner because we were just, like, getting, like, a soda. I was, like, getting, like, a Coke or something. And she... I was a kid. I said to her, yeah, I don't think she was turned on. She's like, look at that eighth grader with one eyebrow.

I know those basketball shorts can't hide a boner. Well, I said to her, oh, I watch your show all the time. And she goes, no, you don't. You're too young. And then I go, yeah, then how come I know your husband can't get it up? And the whole diner laughed. It was like a big laugh line. Oh, that's a great moment. And she laughed really hard. I was like, I got to laugh out of her. Wow. That's great. Yeah. That's huge. Put you on the road to being a comic. Yeah, right? That's a fast track, baby. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Just about 20 years, and I was on my way. But no, she, I don't know. No, Samantha was super cool. But you're right, the writing was a little over the top, but it worked. It worked. It worked. Samantha would be like, I tried anal last night, but you know, when I go to the club, I always go in the back door. Oh!

I could write that show in my sleep, but I liked it. But it was also... Look how pretty. Come on. There was also nothing like that on air. No. That's why it's like you could say whatever about it, but it's like there was nothing like it. Yeah. I used to work at a restaurant in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, and I was the only guy waiter. It was a bunch of ladies, and they would talk about that show all day and all night, and it was fascinating to hear them talk about that show because they're like...

They talk about sucking dick like we talk about it. It was fun to watch them love the show. And I was like, do you guys want to go on a date? They're like, ugh. You watched it to get laid. Yeah, pretty much. This is really just for Sam, but she's in an episode of Columbo. And she's in Porky's. She's in Porky's? She's the woman. She's the screamer. Gym teacher, yeah. Let's see this. Peter Falk.

What year? Probably 77? Columbo comes back. He's like, there's just one more thing that's bothering me. Will you suck my dick? God, how old was she? I guess, see, we forget that the 90s is only 20 years after the 70s.

Ooh. You know, like the 2000s is 20 years ago now. Well, it was probably the 80s, no? No, 70s. 70s? Yeah, yeah. The 90s were still close to the 70s. Like, I would watch reruns of fucking Gilligan's Island when I was a kid. Well, so she's probably like early 20s here. I remember she's in the pool in this episode, too. Not that I... Not that you jerked off to it twice today. There she is. Hey, hey.

Damn. She was just her whole career is like, yeah, I'm down. I'm DTF. I heard she had a divorce because she wouldn't fuck her husband enough. His complaint was like they didn't have enough sex. And she's like, I was playing a character. That's got to be a bummer when you're like, I saw you on that show. Do you want to go have sex? She's like, no, I'm an actress. I don't just want to fuck everybody. Right.

It is crazy. I rewatched some of the old show just to get the taste out of my mouth of the new one, and it's pretty quote-unquote problematic. Is it? Oh, yeah, but fun, in a fun way. They're like, I'm going to fuck a black guy on this episode, and the rest of them are like, whoa. Jeez, slow down. When you blew that hobo in the hallway, that was one thing, but a black guy, take it easy. Yeah.

And it was like that. Black don't crack. Well, you should see my butthole. Oh, my gosh. There you go. I think Mark and I could write for this show. Here's your epi. Darren Star, are you listening? They had a lot of comics on, too. I think, what was it? Gaffigan, Todd Barry. Yeah, Todd Barry was on. Gaff was on? Yeah. Why? He talked about it when he was on here. Must have been drinking. You were. Ah, shit. But what about... Yeah, I mean, there's so many comics showing that show, but...

Damn. I mean, yeah, it was a different... I mean, you watch Entourage episodes now. You watch certain shows and you're like, holy shit. Oh, yeah. Times have changed. That's how shit works, though. That's how shit works. Yeah, exactly. And it's normal. It's okay. And I think we're still those people. We just have more information now. We have more different feedback. We have different voices speaking to us and going, that bothered me. And we go, oh, okay. Because we have social media. We have the internet. We have all this. So I think we're all still...

We just know more. Yeah. Well, there wasn't Twitter when Sex and the City came out the first time. Exactly. Now it's like, you know, Sex and the City now, it's like, I didn't get to the comic. I heard the comic on the show is like, wow. Oh, dude. It'll take you longer. You guys made it further than that. I literally made it like 20 minutes in the episode. And then I heard Big died having a heart attack. And I was like, fuck you. Yeah. Yeah.

He deserved... I mean, maybe the actor didn't deserve better, but the character did. Yes. Hear, hear. A Peloton? Mm-hmm. I know. What an ad for Peloton. Then they have an ad about it. Well, their stock dropped. Their stock dropped 11% after he died on the Peloton. I thought it was a weird choice to have Kevin Spacey do the new commercial. But...

But he, yeah, it's like, what are you doing? Yeah. I guess that you need, what, is she like dating in the new episodes? Is that why they needed that? Not exactly. Like, I'm at the 10th episode. She just started dating. But it's such a fucked up show because I watch it and I don't want to give anything away. But Carrie starts dating this guy and he's like an older white guy. And I'm like, you're going to date an older white guy? What are you, crazy? I'm like, oh, wait, you're poisoning my brain now.

You know, like, that's weird that I see an older white guy and I'm like, bad, bad, stranger danger. But that's the show. Yeah. Don't watch the stand-up thing. I don't want you to get tainted. I had to watch it through, like, fingers like this. It was horrible. Well, I mean, that's how the industry views stand-up. But it's like eight minutes of this trans woman. I'm not trans. She's a non-binary woman or person. And she just...

going for applause. No jokes. Yes. Just trying to get feedback like, where are we at with my trans people? And just applause, applause, applause. So they kind of nailed it. No joke. No joke. You know, Manhattan is not supposed to be where you pander. This is supposed to be a blunt city where you just connect through. Like, we're blunt...

cruel people that's New Yorkers and that's not because we're actually cruel like when you really need I remember 9-11 when we lined up for you know can we donate blood literally everyone in the city is like can we donate blood that was what we did and too many people lined up so you're like yeah you can't I mean too many people already offered but you know

That's the thing about New Yorkers. But like when it comes to shove with it, we got your back. But on little moments, we can be casually not compassionate. Like if you see a crazy person, the train, you don't have time to be like his life must be terrible. I I oh, my God. Like, where did he go wrong? You think move.

Right. Because you don't have time to think about that. It's too fast-paced a city. And he's the third one today you've seen. Exactly. You've got to keep moving. Yeah, exactly. Or your whole life would just be like, oh, my God, we've got to stop here. Louie's got that great joke about his friend from Omaha comes here. There's a homeless guy laying there smelling like shit. And she's like, we have to help this guy. He's like, what? No, we're going to eat. No, sweetie, we don't do that here. Yeah, exactly. Right, right. Such a good point. But it's like that's the thing is that –

We are good people here, but our humor is not like, how are you doing? That's not New York. No. That's just not New York. It doesn't mean we don't care. It just doesn't mean like... That's a great point. They brought LA to this show. This show used to be a New York show. But that's not real, the LA show. Like, how are you? Of course. Do they fucking care? No, they don't care either.

LA is weird. Their priorities are all out of whack. They're like, hey, we have to help everybody, you know, and then like they have the most homeless in the country. You're like, what about them? Like, oh, we're not worried about them. We're worried about non-binary or whatever. It's the worst homeless because they all have headshots. They still think they're going to make it. 25% of all homeless people are in California. Well, the weather's great. And 50% of California homeless people are in Los Angeles.

Damn. Wow. Yeah. How do you like that? Crazy. That's crazy. And do you know that 40% of them were in La La Land, the movie? It's crazy. They can sing and dance. They're more talented than our homeless. Yeah, that's true. No, it's crazy, man. You know...

California's weird. Because I love California. I've got San Diego, San Francisco. I love it. L.A.'s weird. L.A.'s weird. Well, I feel like L.A. caught up with its own bullshit. You know, because it was all about me, me, me. And you forgot about the little guy. And now the little guy is growing. And you don't know what to do. You're overwhelmed. And a lot of people left. Peter Dinklage took growth hormone. That's what happened. But, yeah, I'm with you, man. That city really...

It is a little up his own ass. Oh, yeah, a little.

That's why I started catching on fire. They were like, I can't handle this shit. Yeah, that's God trying to save it. Burn this shit down. God's like, get the fuck out of here. How long could you exist there if you guys got a sitcom? How long could you? I could do it probably two months or something. Yeah, I could do a month or two. Two months. Two or three months. Is that short or long? That's short to me. Well, I did five months during the pandemic, but that was a pandemic. Yeah, you were locked in a house. That was a beginning, and we kind of didn't know how. I mean, that was when we were still wiping down groceries. We didn't fucking know.

We didn't know what was going on. It was a weird time. I mean, so like with my actual life, LA is hard for me for so many reasons. Like it's hard to do the road out of, because if you'd go into the Midwest, there's the time change. We went to the East coast. We work a lot in the East coast, you know? So, uh,

The business is technically still out there, but also, like, we can kind of make our own business. Yes. We do this podcast. It's going to get more YouTube views than probably if we do stand-up on Fallon at this point. You got that right. Right? Like... And Fallon's, like, the big late-night show. So you have to think, like, the way... It's good to do everything, but you have to look at the way shit's going, right? So, um...

Yeah, and everybody's like, well, we have the beach. I'm like, but you don't go. We have the beach here. We don't go. I mean, it's winter, but we got beautiful beaches. The Rockaways are great. Long Beach is great, but nobody goes there. Taylor asked me, she's like, why don't you ever take me to the beach in New York? I was like, what, do we have to bury a body? What the hell? Exactly. The beach on the East Coast. We don't go, but it's beautiful.

There's surfers out there doing shit all summer long. We don't go. So there's a really nice beach called Orchard Beach. It's in the Bronx, and it's mostly trans people. Really? Yeah. Well, that'll go.

Interesting. We should go. We should go. I've never been to Brighton Beach. I'm a New Yorker. I just kind of don't venture out that much. I'm kind of boring. It's the same as Coney Island, just less people. Well, it's Russian Jews over there, right? I kind of want to go there just for the food. I'm down with that. We should do an episode there.

Road trip. Brighton Beach. Yeah. Get some Russian food, some borscht. I fucking love Russian food, dude. I'll get the beamer out. We'll do a road trip. Really? Film it, yeah. All right, let's do it. Let's do it, Matt. You get you in, we'll strap you with a hood.

We're trying to get through a tunnel. It just keeps hitting. Well, that's the thing about New York is like there's so much variety and different shit and geography that we just don't touch. We have our little hub. We go, I go to 14th to Houston. That's it. Yeah, we have a little hamster trails we go to and then back and that's it. That's it. It's tough. I mean, we kind of get very comfortable in New York. And it's also like, dude, especially in the winter, it's tough. When it's 10 degrees out, it's like, what do you... Here's what I do. I do my comedy. I have some soup.

Like, what the fuck else? I'm boring as shit. I'm falling asleep over here. You read. You listen to classical, some jazz. Oh, speaking of read, I took you up on a wreck because you talked about Bernie Brillstein's book. Pretty good book, right? It's great. It's an easy read, too. I listen to the audio book. Oh. Because...

His voice is hilarious. Is that right? Here's why I read it, by the way. Our buddy Simon Rex, who's in Red Rocket, which you should all go see. I got to watch it. I got a copy. Simon Rex texts me. He likes the podcast a lot. And he goes, I loved the Brillstein book you wrecked. And I said, I didn't wreck it. And he goes, Mark did, I guess then. I was like, oh, I should listen to it then. He goes, listen to the audio book because his voice is amazing. So I'm listening to it and I'm like,

It's so... You know how an audiobook is good when you can just sit there and listen and not do anything else? Yeah, so true. So many good insider entertainment audiobooks. I mean, he's a classic, that guy. Is that him? This is him at Jim Henson's memorial. Whoa! I don't know what this is. I pulled it up randomly. Oh, yeah, he repped Jim Henson. Oh, really? Do you want to hear this? Yeah. You read the book. You know that. I guess I skipped that pitch. Oh, he's riffing. Hold on. Oh, I knew that. I knew that. He's killing it at a funeral.

Look at that funeral, my god, so grand. It's like a Schumer gig. Is that the Six and I Temple? Jesus. I'm Bernie Brillstein, and I've been Jim's friend and manager for 30 years. I gotta laugh. In a business where the one who shouts the loudest usually gets the most attention, Jim Henson rarely spoke above a whisper. You had to lean in to hear him most of the time, but it was always worth the effort. David Lazor and I knew how loud his whisper was.

Except to save his own life. Ah.

I think it was about 50-50. I don't think his voice is that weird. In the book, he's a little older. Oh, okay. So he's like sweating while reading. You can tell he's just like... And then... Those chapters that start like...

So I say go fuck yourself. I mean, talk about New York. I mean, this guy grew up in New York. He meets Elvis. Yeah, he meets Elvis. He still has the photo. That story is amazing. It's just old Copacabana, all that shit. Amazing. Incredible stuff. Great stuff. Great story. Texting with Gary Goldman about it today because Gary Goldman always our buddy. Another wreck.

Yeah. The great Gary Goldman. If you, if a lot of people are dealing with depression right now, Gary's got one of the best specials about it. It's funny. It's called the great depression on HBO. It's incredible. It's an incredible special. And Gary's an incredible guy. And, uh, I love him. He, uh, uh, he, he wrecks me books all the time. Cause Gary is like the most avid reader I know. And, uh,

He was talking about this book, and we talked about Shan Lane because he came off kind of bad, and Gary's like, I don't know. I kind of side with Gary, but I heard he was a mixed bag at best. I don't know. Sure. It's a great book. All right. So I appreciate it. Thanks. Yeah. I'm loving it. I'm reading Sapiens, too, and I just found myself going back to Brillstein because he's so fun. He's so likable, and it's New York fun shit where Sapiens is like, and then the Cro-Magnon went for the stick, and you're like, all right. Give me some fun.

Density is tough for us because our minds wander. Yes. I do think like entertainment is so naturally interesting to us because it's our world. Oh, yeah. He's talking so much about business and the evolution of business and how like, you know, when a guy's in management for 50 years, you watch the business change so many times that we're kind of watching that right now. So he talks about HBO coming along. Right. And how like he's one of his lines in the book is that, you know,

Man, Lenny Bruce would have killed for HBO and you're like, that's pretty heavy. That's so true. You think about that, like you die out in the 60s, you can't say shit. HBO, like say whatever you want. Subscription-based services starting. Even then you could kind of see that advertised-based...

television was kind of going away. It's kind of wrong. Yeah. Interesting thought today, which was so much of a joke is timing. Yeah. So much of a comics career is timing. So true. I've had so many agents be like, if you were born in the eighties, you'd be huge. Yeah. And I'm like, Oh yeah, maybe you're right, but you got to cope with whatever time you're in. I mean, but also you can make the most of whatever time you're in. You can still figure it. I mean, we're in a weird time, uh,

Because Mark and I are kind of old school comics. Not a lot of comics our age have done a lot of late night sets like us. We're kind of cut from that old school cloth. But that's not the world we live in anymore. So you have to adapt. But look, we have adapted. Yeah. We're TikTok-ing. We're YouTube-ing. We're Instagram-ing. We're trying. We're podcasting. We're doing what we got to do. Well, what did you mean when you said things are changing? Because I don't think that's what you meant. Well...

Kind of what he talked about. I mean, the subscription based model is king now. I mean, it's like cable is king for a while. I mean, you had a show on cable. You were huge. Right. And now look at cable. I mean, cable is a joke. Now it's like you want to be on Netflix or Hulu or Amazon or HBO or some shit like that. You don't want to be on. You don't want to be on like, you know.

TBS or Comedy Central, right? But in your careers, in just the 15 years you've been doing it, comedy has changed the way stand-up comics tell jokes has changed. It's not... You guys are joke guys. Both of you are joke guys. There are complete story guys. There are people who are just talking about their lives in a depressing way. Not Goldman. I'm talking about Gatsby. Yeah. Where it's like, there's not a lot of jokes here. I mean, you can tell jokes, but she's telling the story of her pain. That's not comedy.

Right. As you know it. Well, yeah, the doors have been opened also to a lot of new stuff. Yeah. But I think he's saying you got a Comedy Central special back in the day. You were set. We both have those. We both have multiple Tonight shows. Doesn't mean moving the needle. So it's changing the way of like you have to make your own path now.

So when Fallon or someone comes to you now, do you drop everything like you used to? You give them the benefit of the doubt. You go, maybe I will. But if they start going, you can't do that joke, you can't do that joke, you're like, well, this is not even worth it anymore. Once it starts taking up too much of your time, you're kind of like, I mean, comics don't get the same respect as like, they'll have guests, they'll let the panel guests do whatever the hell they want for the most part, but like,

So how often do you see like a panel guest like, can I say fuck? And they already said it like they're messing with the host. But then we say like fart and they're just like, what? You can't say fart. Yeah. People, you know, that's offensive to our advertisers, you know, like we're still the bottom feeders over there. So it's kind of like we've been disrespected our whole career. So you do kind of there's a party that's kind of like, I don't really need this. But if they if they don't make it too hard on you, then it's still fun to do. Yeah. I mean, look, I'll take.

You're right. We get disrespected. We're the bottom feeders. We're nobodies of show business. But I'll take that and be myself. I'd rather be myself than play the game and be more famous. I think comics have a gift and a curse where we get to be honest and keep it real and say some truths in society and call out shit. And then the penalty is you don't get to be...

Jim Carrey, which I'm fine with. Does that make sense? Sure. I mean, I don't think like... I think it's an even trade and I'll take it. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's kind of nice to kind of control your own destiny a little bit, which...

I think guys coming up back in the day, like Mark can attest to this, when we started, I remember recording sets on VHS tapes. Oh, yeah. You sent a tape in. You sent a tape in. Now you send a fucking link. Yeah. When I started out, it was like, let me go to the post office. Let me go to a store where I can make a copy of a tape. Yeah. I'd have to go to a store to make a copy of a VHS. So it's like the game has changed so much. I mean, I remember...

In college, getting a gig because I handed someone a DVD of myself. It's just so different. I know. YouTube has changed so much. It's true. I'm such an old cunt that I'll have my friend who does video stuff, and I'm like, can you edit this, put captains on it? And he'll put a graphic in of, I'll say some joke about Harry Potter, and there's a picture of Harry Potter, and I'm like, whoa! How'd you do that? Magic. Holy shit, that was incredible, the Harry Potter thing. Good for you. And I'll put it on Instagram, and it'll get eight likes. I'm like, what?

I got a Harry Potter meme in there. What are you kidding? So yeah, I'm out to lunch. I'm old. Yeah. But we're trying to cling on. Cling on. Star Trek. But yeah, working on it. We're trying. We're hustling. That's why it annoys me when people are like, I can't get a... Can I take you out for coffee and get some tips? I'm like, ah, you're way off. You should be grinding already. Don't worry about what I'm doing.

Go figure it out. Yeah, pick the brain is a weird thing. I hate the pick the brain. Can I pick your brain? It doesn't even sound good. No, it doesn't. It sounds painful. Can I pick your brain? It doesn't sound pleasant. Pick my nose. Get back to work. Go write something. Get out of here. You're not going to get any tidbits from me. I'll just take you out to lunch. I'll waste my day and go, you got to write a bunch. You got to bomb. You got to hit the road. You got to get on stage. That's it.

It's scary. They just want comfort. I get that. I get it. I do. I, you do want to, I try to respond if people are like, but you know, how many can you respond to without, because the problem isn't just responding to one. It's like, once you get on the phone, it's hard to get back off and try to write again. Yeah. So it's not just like, it's like, we'll take 30 seconds to respond. You're like, right. But then that 30 seconds disrupts a flow. It's tough. So,

You can set time aside, but it's not easy. But they just want the reassurance. They want the reassurance. You'll be okay. I get it. I don't know if you'll be okay. It's very tough. Yes. I can't tell you anything. But when people send you like, I had a guy ask me to like go through his notebooks or something. I was like, I don't have time to do that shit. That's homework. Well, it's just a lot of work. I'm like, if I'm going to do that, that's like a job. Yeah. You know?

And I hate to say it, but there's thousands, hundreds of thousands of hours of podcasts about comedy. I think that's more valuable. Go listen to some of that shit than me going out and getting a cup of coffee with you. They probably just want to meet you.

Well, then that's even weirder. I got nothing for you. I'm a grumudgeon. I'm a grump. I'm a cunt. I got nothing for you. You're pretty nice. All right. I try to be nice. I'll take a photo with you. But that's not what you need. If you really want to be a comedian, go for it. The best way to do it is really just going out and doing the work. And us finding you that way is so much more satisfying, too, isn't it? Like, you know, if we're like, oh, shit, we're on a show with this guy. This guy's funny. Totally. That's satisfying. Totally.

I'm watching Ian Lauer on stage last night at the Cellar and he's got funny jokes and Louie is in the doorway laughing. I'm like, that's what you want. That's what you want is like a comedy legend to be like laughing. Did you tell Ian that? I didn't. I should. Oh, he'll hear this. Well, I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I was, we passed each other as we were going on. So I didn't, I didn't get a moment to be like,

Like, Louie's laughing. Whoa. I was, like, literally walking the stage as we passed each other. That would mean a lot to him. He's a real comic. Yeah. So that's big. Yes. But that's how you want to get that shit. Yes. I think. But it's also, like, I get the needy and, like, we were needy, Mark. Yeah, sure. I mean, we were needy, too. I mean, that's just kind of how it goes. You're needy. You're desperate until you're kind of calm. Yeah. Who's the first person that listened to you, like, get up?

gripe or like gave you anything. Well, we had each other. We had a lot of, we had a big class of, of losers. Okay. Just like guys who didn't know what the fuck we were doing. But, and I think it was less. He means big comics though, I think. Is that what you mean? Big comics, not like. Oh, sorry. Allow you to like hang on and be like,

Whose brain did you pick? Well, I was lucky enough that I was taken out by Schumer, who was his big star, but I also had to play it safe because she's kind of no-nonsense, so I had to not annoy her. But it was so good for you. Huge. That you just kind of socially knew how to handle that. Yeah. But I'll tell you, her, Seinfeld, all these comics...

The main thing I got from them was I'm using you because I can tell you give a fuck. I can tell you're trying. I can tell you care. I can tell you're working hard. And because you didn't annoy her. And that. But I wanted to annoy her. So I think a lot of advice is don't be annoying. Don't bother people. And if we see you're doing the work, that'll come through. And that means more to us because it means you give a fuck. You're not just trying to shortcut this bullshit.

Yeah. Do the work. First for me, geez, it's tough. I don't know if the first was, I mean, Gary Goldman helped me a lot early on. David Tell helped me a lot early on. Amy obviously helped me as well. You know, it's certain comics just like Tom Papa. Tom Papa was big for you. I remember even Greg Barron helped early on with you. Greg Barron and Tommy John again, by the way. So certain people, you know, like I remember Goldman, I opened for him.

on the road just by chance. I remember they asked me to do another weekend. I was like, I'd rather work with Gary Goldman. I'm a fan of his stuff. And they were like, okay. And I, so I met him and I got to, and we had mutual friend, Ryan Hamilton. And Gary was very nice. I was very nervous opening for him. Cause I liked this stuff. And, uh, and it got off. And the second I got off stage, he goes, you're going to be my first wreck at the comedy cellar. Hey,

So that was like, that meant, I didn't believe it. I was kind of like, you know, you're so beaten down by the business at that point. You're kind of like, I'll believe it when I see it. But it meant a lot that that was his way of saying I was funny to him. And he followed through with it. But yeah, Gary, David Tell was very helpful, you know. So I remember we were shooting our doc, Full Capacity. And this didn't make the cut, but we were interviewing Ronnie Chang. And he said, I came to New York and...

And I was a wannabe comic. I wasn't at the cell. I was there to watch comedy. And I saw Sam and I was like, I know this guy. He's a great comic.

And he said you really opened up to him and told him about the scene. I don't remember it at all. I really don't remember. I think Ronnie's a great comic and I love him. He's my buddy. You're very kind to him for no reason. I didn't know him. He was nobody. He was just a guy visiting New York. Well, if you're just cool and chill, I'm kind of just like, what the hell? I'm not hanging out with anybody. But I also like...

That's great. I mean, he's I think he's I love Ronnie Chang. He's like my he's my good buddy now. Great guy. And he's and he's such a good comic. But I mean, yeah, it's funny. I remember he said that and I was kind of like, you don't remember shit. Yeah. Yeah. Well, so much crazy shit all day long every day. It all blends together.

Plus, Asians, you know, they look alike. But yeah. Cut that out. I'm trying to... But then he... This is getting a little sappy. No, you're right. Well, he's doing it. We've been drinking. We've been drinking, buddy. Well, he also... I can't imagine moving from... Like, I grew up here, so I can't imagine moving from... I mean, shit, Ronnie was in like Singapore and Australia, right? I can't imagine coming from Canada. Right. I can't imagine coming from Baltimore. New Jersey, yeah.

NOLA, baby. Yeah, it's terrifying. But I remember... Talk about starting out and new people. I remember hanging out with Ali Wong, and she was confiding in me, like...

I'd kill for a credit. Just give me a credit. Just give me like a Montreal or you've seen her on the Jay Leno, whatever. I would kill for any credit. Comedy Central and then cut to like 10 years later. She's doing theater. She's the biggest thing on Netflix. You know, moms at offices are like, I love this Ali Wong lady. She's hilarious. Huge movies now. And it just, I've realized.

I rewind back to her in the back of Broadway Comedy Club at a Montreal edition going like, I just want a credit. Just give me something. God, Broadway Comedy Club. We had some rough nights there. Woo! Boy, talk about disrespectful. That's where I got spat on. There you go. You told that story already, but yeah. And that's when you got into that. It happens.

Do you guys want to answer some questions? Yeah, let's do some. Oh, good job. And make sure to email us for our Patreon because we do this all the time on the Patreon at wemightbedrunkpod at gmail.com, patreon.com slash wemightbedrunkpod. But yeah, let's do some. We do questions. We'll listen to your jokes. We'll do cocktail recommendations, peeves, wrecks, whatever the fuck you want. There's also a special tube here for you guys. Oh, yeah. We'll check it out. All right. Should we do that now first or should we do this? Yeah, I'm trying to keep it up. Let's do the tube.

All right, this is from Sally as a gift. Yeah. All right, all right. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. You really... Delicate. Be delicate. Be delicate. Treat it like the clit mark. Yeah, I can't find it. There we go. Big papa. It's for the room. Oh, God. Whoa. For the room. That's a classic.

That's good, dude. Wow. Where's that, India? No, I had it in Manhattan. Oh, really? Wow, look at that. Do we get it framed or do we just kind of throw it up like that? We frame it. We go to Amazon, we'll measure it. We can get a frame in here in two days. Oh, man, that's great. What year is this? This was during the pandemic. That was like six months ago, probably. Wow.

Well, I'm nervously looking over my set list. Mark's praying to Allah. Yeah, I do it five times a day. Thank you, Sally. All right. So I got Dylan here with some Mark and Sam impressions. Oh, I can't wait. You all ready? Let's see. All right. Greetings from Boise, Idaho. Here's two jokes. One is Mark. The other one is Sam.

So the word on the street is that people prefer pedophiles were forced to enlist and fight the war for us. The only issue with that is who would be running the country? Oh, boy.

The old boys. Spot on. I don't get the joke, but... But it is like, it's a very cartoony mark. Yeah, yeah. It's not like a dead-on, like Mateo or something, or Godfrey, but it's like a cartoony. It's funny. Let's see what he's got in store for you. Second one is Sam. Is this true? Certain brands of deodorant cause Alzheimer's? The only problem with that is I couldn't tell you what brand I've been using.

He just went into like a Batman. Jack Nicholson in the sand. Either way, I embarrassed myself. So dramatic. But it's funny how people perceive us. It is funny. It's like...

We don't know ourselves in some way. No. I was talking to Taylor about this earlier. She said we see so many pictures of ourselves that we don't even know how we look. That's true. Because she was talking about how we get photographed looking really good, like done up for a special. We get photographed at some show we wore sweatpants to. We see each other from every bad and good angle that it's hard to have...

a real perception of ourselves you know i agree they i read some study that said if you saw yourself on the street you wouldn't recognize it would take like a double take be like oh is that me oh shit because we also that's because you're a clone that'd be weird but we also see each other the way we want to see each other or see ourselves the way we want to see ourselves like you ever see like a really ugly fat guy in the mirror like oh yeah every day yeah yeah

And you're like, why is this guy impressed? He's hideous, but he sees what he wants to see. And we kind of do that with our brains a little bit. Well, Mark, I've been drinking all day, and you're looking better and better. Hey, thank you. This motherfucker looks like Paul Rudd over here. Look at him. I'll take it. All right, Paul Mudd. So we have one more here. Paul Mudd. Jimbo Slice. Nice name. You drink anything inspired by a movie, TV show, and here's his.

What up y'all? Wanted to see what drinks you recommend based off of film or television. I saw Donald Glover have a French connection in Atlanta. So now on occasion I will drink a Hennessy and Grand Marnier. Let me know what you guys are drinking based off of a movie.

Well, I don't know if I've ever done that. It was funny. Esty, the booker, the comedy seller, that was her drink, the French Connection. What is that? I've never heard of that. It's kind of hot, isn't it? Look up the ingredients. It's a hot drink. I think you just said it. Grand Marnier and something? Yeah. Oh, or is that something else? No, that's it. Oh, weird. I think you can heat it up a little. Great name. French Connection. It sounds badass. Yeah. Good movie. Great movie.

She and Hackman fucking rules. Popeye Doyle, New York City. And what's his name from Jaws? Roy Scheider. He's great. One and a half ounces cognac, one ounce amaretto. Oh, that's like a black drink. Well, that warms you up. This is filled with ice.

It's a black drink. That's very urban. What the hell does that even mean? Well, it's a goodbye. They like a lot of liqueur. It's croissier, gray marnier. I think it's a brown drink. Well, it's brown, but what does that mean? I was trying to save you. Oh. I'm not wrong here. They like a lot of, you know... Hennessy is a cognac, yes? Hennessy is another cognac. I'm fucking with you. So I like...

Okay, if something inspired by a show... I mean, look, we've all been guilty of wanting a white Russian because of Lebowski. Ah, good point. That's a good one right there. I'm thinking, okay, Don Draper loves an old-fashioned. I'm more of a Manhattan guy, but I definitely see him drinking that. I'm like, I can go for... Certain shows make you want to drink. Certain authors make you want to drink. Yes. It's very, like...

As dingy as Bukowski or Hemingway's life could be, their writing does make, they do stylize drunk life. So that makes you want to kind of drink. You watch Mad Men, they bring in like a tray of like pre-made Bloody Marys. Yes. In those, you know. In the pitcher. In the pitcher. Yeah.

It looks cool as shit. It looks great with the fucking celery stalk hanging out the top. Oh, it looks so good. Nothing looks better on TV than a Bloody Mary. I got another one. I mean, you watch Sideways. Who doesn't want to get wine drunk? Ooh!

Good point. Good point. So this is, I think, a very good... It took me a second to get it. Now I'm like, oh, I see what he's saying. Yeah, yeah. Totally. Totally. I've never had a martini, but when I watched the show MASH... Never? Never had a martini. It's just alcohol, right? There's nothing in it? It's just booze and olive juice, basically. Yeah, so it's just like a shot, right? Well, that's a dirty martini, but if you have a dry martini, it's vermouth. Okay. That's true. When I watch MASH and when they put olives in that martini... Yeah, Elliot Gould makes one of those. Oh, yeah. The movie, not the TV show. The movie. Yeah.

Well, you know, a martini will get you fucked up. And they're good. That's the problem. They're so good. But it's just straight booze, basically. It's just liquor. It's like just taking shots. And it's in a fancy glass. You don't feel as bad. But you're just a drunk. You're right. That's really what it is. It's just dressed up.

This is a problem, but it's like a hot lady who's... It's a stripper in a gown. Yeah, there you go. That's a good noir. Stripper in a gown. Okay, we got one from Sadie Mae here. Oh, I love Sadie. She's that artist. Not a question, but...

Tarantino movies ranked most favorite to least favorite at least top seven I know there's a lot of them this is very controversial I'm down my top two are True Romance and Kill Bill well I don't consider True Romance a Tarantino movie he wrote it he wrote it he wrote it okay I see where she's coming from but that's fair let's do top three because we can't do all eight of them whatever he's done alright number one Jackie Brown number two Pulp Fiction number three Reservoir Dogs balls

But I love Kill Bill. I love Tarantino. Me too. You know what? I fucking love Once Upon a Time in Hollywood a lot. I loved it too. It's tough, but that's my gut right there. Go with the gut. Jackie Brown's phenomenal. Yeah, that one hits you. It hits me hard because no movie of Tarantino's has more heart. Ooh.

It's like, I love all of his work. I think he's an incredible filmmaker, but I just, there's something about that movie that like it's desperate. Pam Greer is a desperate character. Yes. Yes. Robert Forster is kind of a desperate character. It's his classic thing where he cast people that kind of like, I wouldn't say down on their luck, but they kind of deserve more. Pam Greer, Robert Forster. And it's kind of like iconic roles for both of them. Yeah.

Yeah, Samuel L., Chris Tucker. Samuel L. is so funny. So funny. So funny. De Niro in a weird role. De Niro is a weird De Niro. He's supposed to be Stallone. Is that right? He turned it down. He turned it down? He turned down two Tarantino movies. Why? He turned down Death Proof, too, because he's just like, I got girls. I don't want to be a guy who's picking up women and murdering them. Okay. But he's a character, though, so. I don't know why he turned down Jackie Brown. Interesting. Interesting.

How do you turn down Tarantino? Some people think he's a hack, by the way. I know. I think they all respect him. I think it's just like, I'm not right. I think it's more like probably their insecurities. Like, I don't think I can do this well. Well, yeah. I don't want to bring up bad blood, but Favreau shits on Tarantino a little bit in Swingers. What does he do? Remember that? He's like, ah, he just bites everything from Scorsese. And you're like...

This is back when Tarantino was so new and you're like, dude, you don't know what he's going to be. He went for it. I think that was a joke because they ripped off Reservoir Dogs in that movie. Yeah, that was a scene where they all were walking. I remember, but I don't know. It felt real. And then they ripped off Scorsese. Was that a zing? No, I think they were making fun of themselves. He shits on him and then they all walk in Reservoir Dogs. So they're ripping off

And then they rip off Scorsese when they do the walking into the bar scene. Right, or the kitchen. Yeah, the kitchen. Sorry. So, you know, I think that was playful. Okay. But also, Tarantino is like, it's tough. I love all this stuff, but that's what my gut says. That's a good list. But once upon a time, we're talking rewatch factor. It's so fun. So fun. The fight with Bruce Lee, Brad Pitt is great. The...

The western scenes with Leo or when he has that meltdown with the drinking too much. It's incredible. Incredible. So much in that movie. But my gut says, Jackie Brown hits me. It's better than Pulp Fiction? I didn't say better. It said top for us. I thought that was a question. You gotta go personal. I love Kill Bill. I think Kill Bill is incredible.

I don't kill people. I didn't say Jackie Brown is a better film than Pulp Fiction. I thought this was our personal. I don't consider Natural Born Killers a Tarantino movie either. He just did the story. He didn't even do the script. I thought he did the script. I think he did the script. Did he? Yeah, and I think he produced it or something. Okay, what do you guys got? I'm going Pulp, then Hollywood, then Reservoir.

That's good. Yeah, I'm similar. Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs, and then Hollywood. Really? Jackie Brown, maybe three. I don't know. Jackie Brown's incredible. The soundtrack. Rewatchability. I think I've watched that one the most. The Delphonics. Oh, my God. So good. And it's also the most romantic. I'm on a mountain temple.

Yeah, yeah. So good. It's romantic because it's like Casablanca where they don't end up together. Yes. That's what I love about it. You could tell they both liked each other too much to end up together. And Pam Grier is so hot. So hot. So sexy.

But they liked each other so much that they're like, let's leave it here. That's fucking romantic. Yeah, baby. Let's not ruin this. We just pulled off a heist. What, are we going to go on vacation together and then pick at each other in Spain? Right, good point. They just pulled off the heist of the century. Then they're just hanging out in Maine like, oh, you chew kind of loud. Yeah, good point. Wait a minute. Oh, my lord. Yeah, we can't. That's a lot of bosom.

Jesus H. Christ. What are you doing, Sally? We're trying to do a show here. So what are honorable, I mean, so you don't put, none of you put Django or Inglourious near the top three. No, too far-fetched for me. I agree. I like those. No, I like those. I would go Inglourious and Django. That's probably my next two. So Jackie Brown is nowhere near the top three. I love Jackie Brown, but ah, shit, you're right. I don't like the way Django ends.

It's too shootout-y at the end. What about...

Are we missing anything? But I do love Inglourious. I love Brad Pitt. I love Christoph Waltz. I mean, come on. He's amazing. I mean, just him alone in that movie puts me... Puts it in my top five. And I love that he does Inglourious as the most hateable character and then does Django as the most likable character. Yes. It's kind of a fun spin. But what about... We saw that in the theater together. We did. That was fun as hell. That was super fun. How about...

I've never seen The Hateful Eight. I gotta watch that. Oh, it's pretty good. I like it. It's long. It's drawn out, but it's good. It's all dialogue at the end, which is his specialty. Sam Jackson fucking rules. Oh, yeah. That guy's just the best. I mean, you could argue Tarantino thrust him into the celebrity limelight.

Because he was in a couple movies. He's in some Spike Lee flicks. Yeah, but this really put him up on the top tier. Well, he did that for everybody, though. I mean, he revitalized careers, too. Apparently, Michael Madsen turned down Travolta's role in Pulp Fiction. Big mistake, but I'm glad he did because Travolta killed it. Travolta killed it.

You don't give your lady a foot massage, I don't be tickling her or nothing. Do you ever hear the clip of Michael Madsen on Jim and Sam? They played it for me once when I was on air. And Michael Madsen's like talking to Sam Roberts and he's like, what, you never hit your woman? He's like, what? What?

And he's like, you never slap around everyone? He's like, of course not. He goes, yeah, okay. Like he doesn't believe. And you're just like, what? He's that guy, I think. He chewed me out on Jim and Sam or opium. Michael Madsen? Yeah. What'd he say to you? There's a clip somewhere, but I made a joke and he's like, you want me to slap you in the mouth? What? No, thank you. How have you not told this story? I don't know. It was so early in the morning. I was hung over and I was trying to be funny. And he was like, who is this guy? I'm going to slap him in the mouth. He said something like that. And I believed him.

Like, he has that look where you're like, he will hit me. I wonder if he's not a good guy. Nah, I think he's all right. He's a great actor. I think he just lives a lot. Old school. Fucking hitting women? That's old school. I'm not saying it's good. My life is the most beautiful woman. You're like, what, you don't have slaves? I'm old school. Here it is. There's all these actresses nowadays who think they're so kind. I don't know what point it is. It could be. Is it? Great voice. Oh, great. I hope.

But I was blown away. I was happy to be there. They don't even know what beauty is. You can't touch that. Can't wait for Mark to try and make a joke. A little boring, I remember. She's a lovely lady. You guys have been together a while, too. 20 years. A little over 20 years. Yeah. She has Kerr. I know it's around there. How'd you meet her? Um... Oh, well. Oh, no. She was in a gay bar. She, uh... Glory hole.

No, I wouldn't go that far. In fact, if you say that again, I'm going to smack you. I mean, you can't see it in the room. He meant it. Oh, I can see it. It was awkward. He was like, I'm going to slap you. How am I telling that story and it takes Mark this long to tell that Michael Madsen story? You know how many guys have talked about slapping me in the mouth? In fact, they call his mouth the glory hole.

But goddamn, dude. I met Tarantino on that show, too. Wow. Yeah, cool guy. How was that? Well, he was in a weird phase of like, we need to stop the police, and black people are getting slaughtered, and that's kind of what he talked about the whole time. So I would be like, what about Jackie Brown? He was like, yeah, yeah, speaking of Brown, these Brown people...

No, come on. What about Inglorious Basterds? Let me tell you about bastards. Yeah, all cops are bastards. Yeah, so I didn't get a lot of movie stuff out of him, but I tried, but I got a photo with him. Cool dude, great guy. Legend. Yeah. We Might Be Drunk is sponsored by Break Shot Pool. Break Shot Pool is the only pool game on the App Store specifically designed to be played between real life friends.

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The whole thing is free, so give it a try today. And for those of you who can see the video, this is what the game looks like on the store. Check it out and get it now. It's a fun one. Okay, we got another question for you. Oh, great. Oh, it's a peeve from Jason. Jason, peeve. Slow refills. I ordered a Mountain Dew and it comes with free refills. When my cup is empty, that means I want a refill. Keep them coming. I completely agree, JJ.

We have this with coffee at a diner. You're like, hello, I'm an addict. Keep it coming. What are you doing? It's an empty cup here. Maybe the waitress is doing you a favor. She's like, how many Mountain Dews do you need? I mean, this is a fucking... How many are you going to have? That's a lot. That's a good point. Yeah. Coffee makes sense. Coffee, you're like, I need the caffeine. I guess Mountain Dew's got caffeine, but...

Well, coffee's better for you than Mountain Dew. I remember doing a road gig with Joe List in like 2011, and he was pounding Mountain Dews. And I'm not going to lie, I judged him a little bit. I don't blame you. I was like, Mountain Dew? That's white trash nectar. Yeah, that is bad news. Mountain Dew, it's just sugar and horse shit. Yeah, that's bad. It does taste good. It's great. And it's great with a cocktail, by the way. I mean, you think that's white trash. You ever see someone drink a Surge?

It's been a minute. Holy shit. Surge people look at Mountain Dew people like, all right, mister. That's true. I saw that once. I left the trailer. I had to get out of there. There's a nexus between this question and the last one, and it's Steve Buscemi and Reservoir Dogs.

When he says, this waitress, I'm not giving her a tip because I've been here a half hour and she only refilled my cup six times. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Six times? Yeah. What a psycho. And then like, you got a tip. And then they go, that's such a great scene. The dialogue, the Madonna stuff. That was great. Yeah. Tarantino does fucking rule. He rules. I mean, just saw so much, so many movies that he just has this.

Ah, great. Benjamin Larkin, an update on the whiskey, maybe no rush. It's just been a while since I've heard anything about it. Well, Ben, I'm sorry. Apparently when you hire lawyers to do this stuff and you want to get not completely fucked in the deal, it takes a long, long time. Yeah. Who knew the red tape is real. The fine print, the,

illegal stuff. It's a nightmare. It's annoying. You know, Mark and I, we're in a career where we get instant kind of feedback from the crowd, so we know, and that's kind of what we get used to. So when you deal with business stuff, it's pretty, I mean, you did a Netflix half, but before that, we, you know, we're doing YouTube. It's all on our terms. It comes out when we want. We're not dealing with any red tape, so when we deal with any, it's

Fat Cat's been a it's been an uphill battle so we apologize for the wait we were way too optimistic and yeah it's still hopefully gonna come out but god damn is it taking long I know I had a lady ask me about it last night so it's coming but I do feel like the distributor is dragging his feet a little but yeah yeah let's give his address and see if people want to bother yeah people want it it's a nice it's nice that people actually care

Diana Hernandez. Peeve, calling me but not leaving a voicemail. I'm not going to call you back unless you tell me what you want. And just text me, you freak. She's got a point. It's true. The voicemail is big because it's like every time I get a phone call, I assume I'm in trouble or something bad happened. I can attest to that. Every time I call him, just out of the blue, he says, not hello, he says, uh-oh. I'm nervous. But if you leave a voicemail, I can go,

Oh, I left my socks at your bedroom. The only other person that calls him is the STD clinic. That's why. Exactly. Uh-oh. No, I'll tell you, man. I'm with you. It drives me crazy. I tried to do a topical joke the other night about the movie Scream. You know, about like now he calls the people and they're much younger. So they're just like, I don't know this number. I'm not picking up. You know, it's a whole angle. He's waiting to be like, I'm in the house. I don't answer. They're like, we don't. Text me if it's important. Right. You know, but it's like.

I'm with you. I don't pick up. I don't know the number. I almost never pick it up. And if I don't know, it's rare that you pick it up and it's good news.

True. It's never like, you left a shitload of money in this diner. Come meet. It's always like, hey, we need your 1099. Or like, hey, this is the IRS. You owe us $40,000. It's always some horse shit. I know. And you can't get off the phone. I had a call the other day. I was like, you know what? Fuck it. I'm an adult. I'm answering this. And it was Chase Bank. And they're like, we have some great options for you. You should come in and sit down with us. And I was like, oh, I'm at the hospital. I got to go. They're like, okay, here. Call me back at a time. And I remember being like,

What am I doing? Why am I answering this call? Like, this guy is trying to get me to come into Chase Bank. Like, I should just hang up on the guy. Right? What do you do there? They always get you at your lowest.

Yeah. You're never like getting your dick sucked. Like, let me see who this is. It's always some fucking, I'm bored, I'm hungover. I'm like, all right. And they get old people. They prey on old people because old people are like the landline rings. They're like, hello? And they're like, you should buy a home in Tahiti. They're like, maybe I should. It's pretty criminal. It's a timeshare. Yeah. What happened to timeshare? I feel like I heard that term a lot in the 90s.

I think it's just a dumb deal. Airbnb. Who wants a fucking timeshare? Everything's a timeshare. The world's a fucking timeshare. Am I right, people? I think Airbnb maybe have taken that space. I don't. I'm not staying in an Airbnb. Oh, really? You like a hotel. Fuck the Airbnb. Like, which are you more likely for them to videotape? Yeah. They got a camera in there. They're watching you jack off. That's hot. Watching you stick their airbrush in your butthole while you're doing it. Yeah. I'm not trying to get sued. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

I know I've stayed in some bad Airbnb. What are you thinking? Well, I was young and it was like $60 versus 120. So I was like, all right, I'll go in the cheap hotel. I would stay in those shitty ass days in motel type of thing. I should have done that. That's better. I would, I never, also, it's like such a headache to fill out. You're filling out all these forms for an Airbnb. It's,

It sucks. And then nothing worse than showering in other people's shampoo bottles and loofahs there. You're like, what am I doing? Oh, I just realized you guys don't vacation. That's why you don't do this.

When you go on vacation, you have an actual family and you go out, you Airbnb. I went on my first vacation late December. I did a nice little resort thing. Airbnb sketched me out. I don't like staying in someone's house. Hotel shit is set up for you. It's set up for a visitor. A house, they're like, don't do this because this will fall over and then this will happen. You're like, what do I have to learn a whole fucking new place? Yeah, the dog comes in at six. We walk the dog.

We won't even bother you. It's your place. He's going to lick your asshole while you're sleeping. He's friendly. He likes you. Wait, so why do you get an Airbnb with the family? Because staying in a hotel is so impersonal.

You have a yard. Your kid can run around. He can only get hard when he's looking at photographs of a family. Yeah. What does the kid think? Is he weirded out? No. Yeah. All right. He watches. Yeah. Well, it's just weird when you got family photos of people skiing in Lake Tahoe and it's not your family. It is weird. Hey.

Hey, but that's what I do with my wallet. You know? I mean, it is... I'm not a big fan of the Airbnb. I don't like it. Interesting. I remember I did it once during the pandemic. I was going to do, like, the very beginning. I was doing Phoenix and it ended up getting canceled. But, like...

I was like, fuck it. I'm doing Phoenix. I'm doing it right. I'm going to have some fun. I'm getting a house with a basketball court and a pool. Whoa. And then I was like, I had to cancel the gig. So I'm just like, oh, they just gave me only some of the money. That's true. But I'm like, this is why you do a hotel. I hate corporations, but they give you a refund. They give you a refund. You're right. You know who's not giving you a refund? Martha. But hotel sex is great. We can all agree. Yeah.

Sex in someone else's house. That's a lot of fun. Is it? Oh, I look at the photos. I put it in front of her while I go doggy.

I don't know. I've had a couple great Airbnbs in LA, like up at the Hills. You get the Hollywood Hills or whatever that is. Laurel Canyon had some great nights in those B&Bs. Yeah. And there's a fireplace. There's something to it. Love a fireplace. Love a fireplace. Fireplaces are fun, man. And I'm not going to lie. I've eaten a lot of people's food at Airbnb. They leave it out. He won't eat this. And I'm like, oh, I'm eating it.

You eat their food? Oh, I eat their food. I love when I stay in a comedy condo back in the day and another comic was there before you and you just guess where they were from by the shit in the fridge. You'd be like, almond milk, LA act. Yeah, so true. Yeah, yeah. Sardines, Canadian. That's so true. Yeah, I eat all that shit too. You would eat the shit in the fridge from the week? You don't know how old that is. You sniff it.

So when I sit down at a table at the cellar with Mark, just like, let's sit down here. And there's a bowl of borscht. Speaking of sniff, sorry, I'm listening. No, you're not. A bowl of borscht. So, yeah, we'll sit down at any random table at the cellar. And they're like, let's clean this table up for you. And Mark's like, no, no, I'll finish this up. And he just eats somebody's borscht. Aha. Yes. What do you mean aha? That's insane. That's the COVID vaccine. I get a little of it in me.

It cures me. I never get sick. You don't ever get sick. No, no. It's interesting. And I think I had Omicron, but it was two days. I shit it out. Back to normal. I think I had it too. Is it the diarrhea in December? It's like... The body aches are the real, like those muscle aches. That's really the telltale. But I always ache. I'm a whiner. Ah, true. You do ache. I got a good... Speaking of aches, I got a good rec for you guys. Oh, hit me. So I went to physical therapy the other day. There's an old lady there.

fucking trying to remember her last name. I think I could figure it out if you want to look her up. Like an actress? Yeah. She's in her 80s. And she's just chatting me up. She's a character. You know any movie she's in? Jane Fonda. I'm going to look up her name. It's Marilyn something. It's Marilyn Manson. Sokol. S-O-K-O-L. So she's at physical therapy with me. And I think I'm allowed to say this, right? This is fine. Oh, yeah. She's familiar. She was on Sesame Street. She starts doing Sesame Street jokes. Whoa.

And she's doing the voices and shit. And we just chat. I guess my therapist told her I was a comic. So she's like, you should talk to Sam. He'll like you. And we chat. She's a character, man. She's making me laugh. She goes, I got a joke for you. And usually you dread this moment, but I can kind of tell it'd be funny coming out of hers. Yeah. But the joke she tells me, she's a woman in her 80s. She goes, so a guy's trying to fuck his wife. She goes, I can't have sex with you. I'm seeing the gynecologist tomorrow. And he goes, oh, I'm sorry. Do you have a dental appointment too? Ha.

That's a joke she tells me. So part of my record is like, talk to people. It's important to talk to people. For your brain, I think sometimes this pandemic has made us so inward. And I think the Twitter shit is so toxic. You're just kind of in your head, assuming the worst. It's good to talk to human beings. So anyway, I look her up afterwards because I'm like, I'm curious.

She's in a lot of shit. Yeah, look at this IMDB list is crazy. She's in the front with Woody Allen. She's in the front? I made you watch that. That's a great movie. Great movie about communism. One of the only times you hear Woody Allen say, go fuck yourself. That's right. And Zero Mostel. That's a classic. Yeah. Sesame Street, Law and Order. Yeah.

Wow, Barney Miller. Sex and the City? There it is. Yeah, she's been around. Good character. Pretty cool. Yeah, she was very, very nice and cool. That's a good rec. I agree. People are kind of like movies. Like, give them a shot. You know, you can turn it off in 10 minutes or you can get the fuck out of there with a person. But sometimes you meet crazy, fun, interesting people and they give you a tidbit you would have never known. Right.

Yeah, that's important. I'm going to wreck. Now, see, we've done two Sesame Street references. I watched the Sesame Street doc. I think you've wrecked this before. I could be wrong. Yeah, you might be right. Matt Peters, has he wrecked it before or no? Okay, maybe you just wrecked it to me in person. Maybe, yeah. Very interesting. Very cool. Talk about the industry.

A bunch of centers in Alabama tried to shut it down because they had a lot of black people on the show. Very interesting doc. I love the beginning. Is it a Jim Henson doc or a Sesame Street doc? Sesame Street. Oh, I think you wrecked a Jim Henson doc today. Maybe. That might have been it. Yeah, I like Henson. He's great. Was this it, Mark? Street Gang? How we got to Sesame Street? That's it. Yeah, really cool. And just starting from scratch, it was like a show show and they did all these tests with kids and the kids were just like...

Puppets, more puppets. So they're like, all right, fuck the show. We're just going all puppets. Wow. And they did all these focus groups. Just like Jeff Dunham. Yeah, exactly. And really interesting. Like, starting from scratch, didn't know what the hell they were doing, and figured it out, and then became the biggest show on the planet. Wow. Cool Doc. I love the story. That's why I like the Brillstein book, because it just... I love the...

the beginning of everything. Because everything is huge had a beginning. Elvis Presley had a beginning. Everything started from somewhere. Michael Jackson. Everyone had to pay dues. Everybody. Everybody got yelled at. Everybody got rejected. Dr. Seuss was rejected 11 times, and he became a rabid anti-Semite. So yeah, you got to start somewhere. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Is that real? Roald Dahl. Roald Dahl, big anti-Semite. He could imagine a fucking big, freckly giant, but not a friendly Jew, apparently. That was his problem. That's true. Chocolate factory? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. The Jews went in. They said it was too drafty. But yeah, yeah. So I love the origin story. So great, great little doc there. James and the giant peach. They go, you call this a peach? A giant. What are you kidding? Look bigger in the pictures. That's all I'm saying. Yeah.

Whoo, you got a bit? Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Good bit really seems to care. Here we go with a bit. Did we do a peeve? Did someone else's peeves, I believe. I got one peeve. I just got to get this out, and I'll leave it alone. You ever have this one? Guy goes, meet me at the coffee shop at 2. I go, I'll be there. He hits me up at 140. Where are you? I'm on the way to the coffee shop. Oh, all right, all right, all right. I'm like, we said 2, right? Yeah, 2.

Well, then why the fuck are you yelling at me? It's not even two yet. Yeah, you say I'm here early. Yeah. So if you happen to be in the neighborhood, come see me now. But yeah, yeah. The expectation that you'd just be there early. Exactly. 20 minutes early? I was like... You're an early guy, too. I try to get there early, but I... You're very punctual. I'm very punctual. I'm very punctual. I'm proud. My dad was terrifying if I was late, so he beat it into me. It's even worse to your sister. But yeah, so I got the, where are you? I'm like, I got 20 minutes.

Yeah, it bugs me a little bit. I'm also always, like these days, in the winter I'm always a little later just because you feel like you have to grab more. It takes a little longer to get ready. The summer you're just throwing shorts and you run out. It's 10 degrees the other night. You're throwing on and you're like, eh, I'm going to layer up. Yeah, and I have a subconscious thing where when it's cold out, it takes me a little longer to get out there because you're kind of nervous. You're dreading it a little. You're dreading it. It's like jumping into a cold pool. Exactly. The hot tub, you just...

You're right in. Jump right in. Yeah. You ruined their vacation, me and a married couple. Yeah. Fuck your Airbnb. You wrecked all of them. Yeah, I think I got a bit. I got a couple bit. I don't know if I've ever done this one on this show, Matt Peters. Let me know if I've done this one. I saw a bumper sticker. It said, I got an abortion. I'm proud. And I was like, proud? Have I done this one? Well, I was just like, you're proud? Like, I feel shame when I jack off.

What are you proud of? I'm for a woman's right to choose. It's just a weird thing to be proud of. I'm thinking of other angles where it's like, well, the government has never tried to stop you from masturbating. I'm like, well, that's not true. There was one time I was five hours at the DMV. I don't know. I need a better ending, but the government has never... I hear that. The government has never tried to stop you from masturbating. Well, she only killed one potential kid and you killed a million potential kids. That's true. And at the DMV, if you jerk off, that is a form of ID. Yeah.

That's a good tag. Yeah. That's a good tag. Yeah. Technically, they tried to arrest me, but I said, you know, technically, that is my DNA. There you go. Technically, that's... That's more than a passport. That's better than a driver. Yeah, that's perfect. All right. Take it. Is that maybe something? Yeah, something. Yeah, I like that. All right. What do you got? That's not hitting? No, it's something. It just needs more. It needs more. It needs another thing. It's part of a bigger abortion chunk. Hmm.

That's a funny sentence. My fetus trunk. Yeah. I like the DMV angle. That's a good point. That's funny. Oh, yeah. An abortion. Hot button. I did some. I was in Texas. I did some abortion jokes and you could feel the feel the heat. I love it. Yeah. Yeah. I was doing some in Texas, too. I loved it. What was that when you had there? That was really good.

Oh, the freedom? Yeah, cross the border. I said to a guy, I said, what's your favorite part about, actually I said freedom. I said, yeah, the freedom to drive to Oklahoma to get an abortion. That's what I said. Got a pretty good laugh. But then, yeah, that was fun. What do you got, Mark? This bit's a little long-winded. I think this up here, it hits once and it bombs once and it hits once and it bombs once. So maybe you guys can help me out.

Basically, I talk about how the phone is supposed to make life easier. It makes my life way harder because everything you have to have a login, a password, a PIN number, you know, all this shit. And it's all the shit I need. I can't get into bank account, health care, car insurance, all this shit I can't get into because of the phone because I forgot my password. But all the shit I don't need in life is.

is very easy to get prostitute right on the corner you never go up to a prostitute like hey can i you want to get in the car she's like you got an account with us like no no she's like you got to download snapchat like ah or snatch chat or whatever it's such a good point you want to vax you want you want to get a covid test you got to fill out a form you got to uh get the uh whatever you call it the scan thing scan code qr code you want some crack

Right here. Yeah, that's the joke. I go up to a Coke dealer and I'm like, hey, can I get a, he's like, you got an account? I'm like, no, but I use you all the time. He's like, what's your mom's maiden name? I'm like, I just want a bump. He's like, how many of these are fire extinguishers? I'm like, ah! But it needs more. I can see when I'm doing it, the crowd is like, okay, okay, but it's not really there yet. Yeah.

Something about like meth, like you're missing your teeth. And you're like, this is my ID. You know me. Oh, yeah. You ain't got no teeth. Facial recognition. Yeah, facial recognition. I don't understand the conceit of the joke. I understand your examples. I don't understand what the heart is. The heart of it is bad stuff is easy to get. Shit I need, like health care and all that, you have to fill out forms and have an ID and have a PIN number and a login. Dunkaroos are right there for you when you need them. Junk food. Haagen-Dazs. Fast food.

Fast food, very easy to get. It is harder to be healthy is really what it comes down to. Yes, and responsible. I had a car insurance issue recently, and they were like, what's your number? And I was like, oh, hold on, let me get the app. By the way, you have car insurance, but you don't have health insurance? You care more about your car than yourself. Well, the car, they arrest you if you don't have it. Health insurance, they don't. I wouldn't have car insurance if it wasn't a legal thing. Mark's going to be the richest guy to get into a car crash and have a GoFundMe.

For my body. The car will be covered. I don't have collision. But my point is it's easy to get bad shit. Shit you need and you're supposed to have and legal shit is very hard to do. That's my point. It's a funny premise. Yeah. So the point is you go up to a Coke dealer and here's a 20. Boom, you're golden. But car insurance are like, what's your account? What's your VIN number? All that shit. I'm out.

They don't want to give you a second to second guess the bad decision. Ah, right. Because then you won't get it. No one's filling out a form for coke. No one's filling out like, you're getting a prostitute, that's like, you could change your mind in a second. You don't want to rethink the bad thing, I think. I think that's a good point. With other stuff, with car insurance, you're like, well, I could get hurt. They want you to overthink that. And they make it a law. You have to have it.

Huh. Okay. I'll keep noodling. The joke's like 80%. I just need to tweak and retool. Tweak, dude. Yeah. So it's getting there. I will say a lot of the drunks at home have been giving me some tags. Pretty solid. Oh, yeah? Can you think of one? Can you think of a good one? No. But I get a ton, and I'm like, some of you are like, this is horrific. Don't ever call me again. Some of you are like, that's not bad. Yeah.

Yeah, the comments are great on your YouTube page. We have very creative listeners. It's funny, Sean Patton, I saw him last night. He goes, man, the fans of your show are so creative. And I was like, they really are. It's inspiring to us, man. And look at the picture behind you. That was drawn by a fan or painted by a fan. We're very lucky. We appreciate you guys very much. Well, we love the arts. We love Broadway, music. We love jazz. We love movies.

So I love it, man. We love you guys. Uh, plug some dates, dude. Oh, and listen to, listen to the Patreon, patreon.com slash. We might be drunk pod. Email us at, uh, we might be drunk pod at gmail.com. We love you here. Uh,

I'm all over the place. MarkNormanComedy.com. Check it out. Check out the stand-ups on Netflix. The Half Hour is doing well. Tag me and tag Netflix just so they know that there's a buzz. Columbus, Ohio. I'm doing a theater in Raleigh, a theater in Cleveland. All kinds of fun stuff. La Jolla, Tampa, Omaha, Kansas City, Sacramento.

A lot of fun stuff cooking. Chicago this summer, Providence this summer, a lot of good stuff. Check it out. Out to lunch. Hit them. Huntsville, Alabama, Hartford, Connecticut, La Jolla, Sacramento. What else do I have? Orlando, West Palm, Columbus, Salt Lake City.

And the big one, May 7th. Oh yeah, May 7th, Beacon. It's selling. It'll be sold out soon, so keep buying it. Whoa, look at that. Nashville, Tennessee, Albany, all that bullshit. Toronto, samorell.com slash shows. Get on it. Who does your website?

Because I might have to get them to do mine. Really? It's my agent. Caitlin does it. Really? Yeah. Oh, shit. I got to get my agent on that. Oh, I'm at the Danny Improv, too. We got all the same dates. Oh, yeah. Danny, yeah. That's right. I'm at West Palm Beach. We're circling each other. Yeah, I'm all over Florida. Oh, Miami. I'm doing Miami again.

So, yeah, tell a friend, spread the word, get on the Patreon, keep drinking, send us whatever you got. We'll take it. Thanks to the beer juice, Sally, Peters. Peters, we love you. Gotham Studios, you're the truth. We love being here. Hell yeah. Yeah, keep listening, guys. We appreciate you. Thanks for the Teddy Grahams and shout out to Antoine's Cookies for the fucking killer stuff. I'm hooked. And these candles, some hangover candles. Oh, yeah. We love you. Thank you. You know we love you because you guys aren't paying us, but you're sending us your shit and we love it, so we're plugging it.

Hell yeah. All right. Keep it real. Bye. Comedy. Bye. Bye.

I'm sorry.