Ep 60: Wil Sylvince
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we might be drunk we might be drunk as long as we are hanging out you know we might be drunk raise a glass let's talk shit pep heaps wrecks and a bit maybe drunk we might be drunk yeah there you go microphone check hold on a second i'm sorry guys oh he's gotta spray it

Get this off. Yeah, we're recording. All right. I don't trust you white people. And that's a great intro for this new episode. Welcome back to We Might Be Drunk. Our good buddy, Will Silvan. Thanks for having me, man. Good to have you there. Shout out to the person who canceled. Oh, yeah.

Nobody canceled. It's all you. It's all you, buddy. How's y'all doing, man? Mark Norman, Samuel Vell. Doing good. You seem combative. What's going on? You seem on edge. No, not at all. All right, all right. I'm happy to be here. Just checking. My two favorite whites. I'll take it. Thank you. Who was in the running? You canceled. Yeah. Who canceled?

- All right. - Thanks for coming here, man. Dude, I haven't seen you forever. I've known you for how many years? - Oh yeah, like before Tupac got shot the first time. - That's true. - I knew you for a while. Has this always been the setting or this is a socially distant setting? - Sadly always. We like to keep a little distance. - You guys was ahead of your time. - You got that right. - So was my biological father. - Very distant. - Socially distant. - Your dad was Jewish?

- What does that mean? - I'm just saying, black dads always get the bad rep for not being around. I just want to shout out to the Jewish dads that's not around. - Good point, good point. - Shout out to the Jewish dads that's talking about they going to-- - Good argument that we control the media and the dialogue for this is that we're not talking about Jewish dads you're walking out. - Shout out to the Jewish dads talking about I'm gonna get a bagel and never come back. Too soon, am I gonna get kicked out my apartment for that one? - That's good.

Jews have had a bad couple years. You got Madoff, you got Woody Allen, you got Epstein, you got Weinstein. A couple of bad Jews. My landlord. Landlord. Thank God Maxwell wasn't Jewish or we would have been fucked, you know? Who's Maxwell? Oh, Ghislaine. Ghislaine. Oh, the one that she's got convicted. Yeah, she got 60 years. CDC says she wants to do 30. Her argument was, you're only going after me because...

is out at the picture. Because he dies. But she would, I feel like they would go after her anyway because she was, you know, she was like, she was rallying them up. Yes, she was the recruiter. But I do, that was her defense. Take your time, take your time, please.

We're going to be blunt with you. We've been drinking since the last episode with Gaffigan. We've done two drinking eps in a day. So Mark and I... Well, you keep looking over there. That camera's over there. The studio producer. The producer's right there. Oh, oh, oh. Yeah. There you go. I'm like, he keeps looking at the camera.

I feel better drinking with a guy with a turtleneck, though. I feel like I'm more sophisticated. After this, we're going to rob... We're going to do an Ocean's Eleven type heist. Sam looks like a drama teacher who's banging his students. Here we go. Here's what really happened in Macbeth. So, yeah, so she said...

Who was worse, Epstein or the person that rallied up the girls for Epstein? I guess he banged him, so I guess that's worse. But she recruited. She was the scout. Yeah. So who's... If Mark bombs, who's responsible, him or his agent? Oh, good point. How much are the jokes? I mean...

Here's my thing. She is part of it. You can't... And that's the whole argument, right? That he commits suicide. If you're not watching this on YouTube, you can see what I'm doing with my fingers. Air quotes. Commits suicide. That's one with the sleepy guard. That's one where you're like... You see that in a movie. You're like...

Come on. Yeah. I'm not a big conspiracy theorist guy, but that's a layup right there. So why isn't she singing like a canary? You thought, oh, she's going to get in trouble. She's going to start outing Bill Clinton and Chelsea Handler. Yeah, but I think because Epstein had the names down and she just got the girls. Oh, she's got names. She's got names. The pilot's got names. I get the celebrities. He's like, I get the celebrities. You get the girls. Uh-huh.

But you'd think she would say some shit to get out of the jail time. She's doing a couple years over there. Yeah, but I think she didn't think she was going to get time because her main argument was, you're only going after me because Epstein's out the picture. So I think that was their big push. Yeah.

Yeah, but that's not enough of a push because she was still there. She was still involved. It's like being like, oh, yeah, I know they robbed the bank. I was just the wheel man. By the way, can someone Photoshop a picture of me rubbing Mark's feet like Jelaine did to Epstein? Have you seen that picture? That picture that's gotten around where she's rubbing his feet? You're like, man, this guy just sucked. Wait, she was rubbing his feet? Yeah. On a private jet. On a private jet. This guy just lived very well. She was rubbing Epstein's feet on a private jet? Yeah. Yeah, well, he was bankrolling the whole situation. She wanted that.

you know rich lifestyle and did jesus do that to somebody to a woman oh yeah rub the feet yeah that's right yeah she was a jewish look at that she got the tits out and everything oh damn she's like uh a chest uh but uh fucking them can i say that i'm sorry who titty fuck oh titty fuck yeah of course but this whole show's centered around titty fucking go nuts

Feet fuck. It does make you mad that we fly commercial when you see this shit, doesn't it? I know. You're like, we're decent people. Hold up the hell. Hold up, Hammer. Good point. I've seen people do this on regular planes. They just put their feet up. Oh, good point. Right? Without the titties and the white girl rubbing it. But I've seen people do this on a- We need to conduct an investigation into these people. Yes. To see how they're living their lives. Those people are worse than Epstein.

Yeah. Anytime someone takes their shoes off on a flight, it's a balls. If you're in like one of those first class pods and you've got space. That's different. That's different. Put your penis out if you want. Yes. Whip it out, dude. Virgin air. If you're in the coach, right, with all the lab rats. Yeah. And you pull out your, wait, you're talking about take your shoe off. I haven't seen a coach do that since Sandusky. Yeah.

And put your feet under the chair or put your feet on the hand rest. That's crazy. I've seen it. That's rough. It's gross. You're a traveler. You're a well-behaved traveler, right? Yeah, I don't mess around. I always get a window seat, and then as soon as the doors close,

Lay on the window and knock out till we land. Oh, you're one of those guys. That's a gift. I wish I had that. I'll pass out for 10 minutes, but I like the aisle because I can get up and move around. You're trapped. What are you trying to move around for? Well, you go to the bathroom, you walk around, you stretch out, you maybe go up in the overhead, you talk to the pilot, you get the wings. Dude, what the hell are you doing all that on the damn flight for? I'm bored. I'm bored.

I need to get up too. I like to stretch, especially on a long flight, I like to stretch. I pee a lot because I do coffee or booze on a flight. So you know I'm getting up. I don't do none of that. I pee before I get on the flight. Get on the flight and I just knock out. You're a health nut, Will. You're like, see, like we do coffee, we drink. You're a green tea guy. So I feel like you can kind of just, you take such good care of yourself. That's what I've noticed. Why is there a bad stigma to it? Health nut. It's not a bad stigma. I'm not a health nut. That's a good boy. What's the opposite of a health nut?

A gun nut? I don't know. A drunk nut? A degenerate. Yeah. A slob. Yeah, but a health nut sounds like bad, right? Well, you got nut in there, which is never good. Yeah. You don't hear about like- Although nuts are healthy for you, though. Good point. Exactly. Nuts don't have to go you crazy. It's more of like- And then anybody like to bust a nut.

That's true. If I say I'm a basketball nut, it means I love basketball. All right. Good save. That means he was a 15-year-old nut. He was nuts about teens. And he busted a nut. I assume. I heard he had a weird dick. Yeah, egg-shaped. Egg-shaped. They called it over easy. What's an egg-shaped dick?

You know, it's shaped like an egg. Like omelet? No. He wishes. An omelet's a compliment. That's 10 inches. What is that? What is that? Four eggs right there? Jesus Christ. I got mushrooms in here. I got bell peppers. This is a Denver dick. I hope you like feta.

What's an egg-shaped dick? I guess the balls would be hash browns. So wait, it's round? Like an egg. So it looks like he got three balls. Is there a way to Google this, Matt, without getting thrown off YouTube? Egg dick, egg dick, egg dick. So it's three balls. He's an egg beater. Egg beater?

Whoa, wait, that's black. That's Will's dick. No, I've seen Will's dick. It's much bigger. That's true. We've all seen it. Wait, wait, who said he had an egg-shaped dick? They said in the trial. One of the girls? The girls, yeah. Oh, two, yeah. That's how they identified him.

Egg-shaped dick. Did someone say, can we get more details, please, in the courtroom? It'd be nice. We've got to crack the case. Did the judge say that? Can you give us a little bit more detail? Yeah. Apparently his pickup line was cock-a-doodle-doo, too. Which...

Yeah, man, that's a dark story. Every time they saw his dick, it was like, egg-shaped penis. Wait, go back to the headline. See? There you go. Right there. When he pulled his dick out, girls were like, excellent. Nothing too soon. Great expectations. Let's get this going. Exactly. Someone asked him if he had an egg-shaped penis.

That's what I heard. I heard Harvey's dick was all fucked up as well, by the way. Really? So we might have a pattern here. Damn. What's that? Freaking Hitler. Hitler had one ball. Micro penis. He had a micro. Oh, is that right? Yeah. He had one ball. Oh, I already had one ball. Yeah.

I heard you have Michael Pratt. I never heard about the one ball thing. Pull it up. I believe that's true. I definitely know the micro penis. I've seen enough history. Dude, I'll tell you, the History Channel leans on Hitler the way CNN leans on Trump. Ha, ha, ha. They hate him. Another tweet. But they also kind of love him. That's great. Which one? Who's this? They keep the lights on over there. The History Channel loves. Oh, yeah. They always like, and this is Hitler. Nat Geo. Hitler in the fifth grade. Ha, ha, ha.

He could have been an artist. This is Hitler when he took up a hobby in high school. Right. Really did have one testicle, yeah, from The Guardian. Whoa. You think that's what did it?

Yeah, I think you got to. Because Dez Bishop got one testicle. Does he? Yeah, he talk about it all day. Well, he hates Jews. What about this micro penis? I've never heard about the micro. What's a micro penis? What are you thinking? Combine the two words, Will. I mean, micro. What's a micro chip? Pull them up. There it is. That's not even a penis. That's a penis. That's a belly button.

Hold on, hold on. We need a better photo. Are we going to get in trouble for this, Matt? Is that a micro? Are we going to get thrown off? You're going to blur this, right? Yeah, I'm blurring this. All right, good. Holy hell. That's, whoa. But that's not even a micro penis. That's like an innie penis. That's an innie. Uncircumcised innie. Remember when you were a kid and they were like, belly button, innie or outie? The poor kid doing that with his dick? Yeah. That's got to suck. By the way, shouts to all the women when they have sex with these dudes and they still moan and like, uh, uh.

I think the women are penetrating them. I don't think they're doing anything. I'm saying that. That's not going inside anyone. Shout out to them. They still like being there for the dude. They deserve a medal. They deserve like, you know, they're keeping the world safe. I feel like a woman's being nice. My girl, every time I go down on her, I feel like she's being nice. I don't know what I'm doing down there. Really?

I think you know what you're doing. It's pretty self-explanatory. Still? I think people like to act like the vagina is so complicated. No. I think you get the hang of it. You definitely do. You figure it out. Yeah. And then she'll guide you and stuff. When I was in high school, my high school girlfriend, we were pretty hot and heavy. And one day I just said, hey, look.

I'm going to go down on you and I want a full report. I want you to say what I'm doing wrong, what I need to do more of, what sucks, what to get rid of. And it hurt, but I learned a lot. You was that proactive back then? Oh, yeah. That's how Mark passed high school English. Yes, it was my third grade teacher.

Did you really ask for it? And she gave you pointers? Totally, totally. And I still use them to this day. Well, it's actually very smart because Mark is trying to succeed and you succeed by failing and then asking for notes, right? Exactly. That's how you get good at anything. That's a good point. Yeah, I learned a lot. That's a great way to live, Mark. It stung. Don't get me wrong. What stung about it? Well, she had gone for it. The chlamydia. Yeah.

Like mine. Thank God we went with different ones, too. That's pretty good. What did you say? I said chlamydia. I said gonorrhea. Oh, shoot. You guys are having sex with the same girl? I wonder if our periods are synced up. Our jokes are synced up. We've been hanging out too much. Don't do it. Every time you're... I hope I don't get canceled or kicked out. Your hair looks like you got a yarmulke on it. Does it look bad? There's a shadow.

Oh, I can see it. It's dark in the back and it's gray or tinted up front. Is it your birthday or something? My birthday? Hanukkah? I don't know. I told you guys to wear yarmulkes right on your birthday.

Why, am I going gray? Is that what it is? No, thank you, Sid. I see, well, you got a little gray. I got gray on the sides. No, no, on the back. But on the back, it's black as night. Oh, really? Yeah, do you want to put the dye in the back? Oh, no, I don't touch it. I mean, you know. Chicks like the gray. Do they? Yeah, it's a good movie. Is that what they tell you? I think a lot of girls say it's distinguished. They say it's refined. You're a little older, a little salt and pepper.

What's the word? The girls we hang out with. Yes. Silver Fox. We're going for Asian-Propane girls. What did Estes' girls say? They didn't like the gray. They like a frosted tip. They like the eggs. Hey, is there any bacon with this? You know I'm Jewish. I don't eat bacon. Wait, you guys don't eat bacon, right? I eat bacon. He's not a full Jew. Orthodox Jews don't, you know. Religious Jews don't touch it.

Is that what goes great with me? If you're kosher. He works every Saturday. He's not full on. He worked with me on Saturdays. We've done the road together, buddy. Whoa. A Z's tour. We toured with the Z's together. And Will is, I have to say, I love Will. Will's like one of my good friends. Will is the ultimate troll. Will fucks with you nonstop.

I remember Will and I once, we stayed in a dumpy hotel. I don't know what we were thinking. Really? On the Aziz tour? Yeah. He couldn't hook it up? Well, we choose our hotel. Oh, okay. We get buyouts and we choose our own hotel. And we thought it was nicer than it was. I text Will, will you stay? And I'm like, I'll just stay with Will.

We started walking, it was years ago. We started walking down the street and we walk a while to see, and I'm teasing Will because he's got so much luggage with him. So much luggage. I got one luggage. You had stuff with you and I'm telling Will, like, let's fucking take an Uber to meet him because it's like a long walk down this weird highway. And Will's like, no, let's walk. I'm like, fuck it. I'm like, damn, Will, you want to go everywhere gorilla style? We're in the car. Will goes, why are you calling me a gorilla? And I'm like...

What the fuck? The driver's like, Jesus Christ, you can tell. What the hell? Worst one was Phil Hanley. Phil Hanley stayed at a hotel. Ricky Velez asked Phil, you know, just get the hotel and I, you know, I hid my credit card and stuff. Phil Hanley booked a hotel

With a sharing bathroom. What? Yeah. Well, it's very unlike Phil. Yeah. I love Phil. Phil's a prissy bitch. Phil likes to save money more than he is prissy. Really? Yeah. Wow. Well, he's saving up for Rolexes. And cardigans. Yeah.

You know, Phil will stay in a fucking homeless shelter, but he shows up with a fucking new silver Rolex. Yeah, I know. Was it worth it? Was it worth it? He's Canadian rich. All the money he saved at these hotels, he was able to buy a Rolex watch. Phil's going to have to walk Phil on here to promote his new special coming out, which I can't wait. That'll be soon. That's right. Looking forward to that. Went to the taping. He killed it. He killed it. He was great. Oh, yeah. We're talking right now with Aziz again. Oh, yeah? Are you fucking with Phil on the road right now? He's fucking with me more than I'm fucking with him. Really? Yeah.

That's not what I hear. Tell me, how is he fucking with you? You know, Phil with his... His quick zings, his cunting lines. Yeah, quick zings and stuff. He's funny, though. Phil.

Phil shits on you like a Brit where you don't know he insulted you until as you're walking away. It's like a quick drive-by. It's like that samurai guy cuts you so quick and you don't know you're cut. Right. Then later you're like, shit, my arm came off. Your head starts sliding off. Ah, you missed. That's perfect. What cities have you been in, Will? We just did Charlotte. We did Charleston. You guys ever been to Charleston? I love Charleston.

I did, yeah. Charleston, not Charleston. What did I say? You said Charl. Charleston. Charl. They changed it? Yeah. Same name. Been around for a while. Where did you play in Charleston? Shoot, I forgot the theater. Oh, something good. Oh, I think I played there. I played there with Louie. Oh, nice. It's a beautiful theater, by the way. That's a beautiful city. That town, I never seen the whitest of white people. Oh, it's seersucker. You guys will be Puerto Rican over there. Ha, ha, ha.

Yes. I'm not lying. I'm not joking. They're very white. Yes. Southern charm is a lifestyle over there. Yeah, for sure. Charleston's a beautiful city. Oh, yeah. Great houses. Great food. Yeah. It's almost like New Orleans if it got its shit together.

New Orleans is like party and booze and Charleston's like, we'll sit on the porch in a suit and drink. Yeah, I went by the water too in Charleston. Yeah. Do you do that on the road? I don't do none of that stuff. What do you do when you wake up? I just stay in my hotel, invite and make

make some calls and that's about it but i went i want to walk around because the city is really nice but you know so by you know put a double mask were you flying private no damn and i don't care about all that really what uh as long as the plane land that's all that matters what about the dave chapelle tour weren't that that was not tour but you guys were going to the um what do you call the compound

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was private. That was private, yeah. How was that? That was nice. Chappelle, oh, man. That was one of the best things of 2020. Like, 2020, I was so depressed, but then I went to hang out with Chappelle in Ohio. In Ohio. Man, that was... You've toured with everybody, man. That was freaking so fun, man. It looked like summer camp over there. But, you know, when you tour with these people, like, it's...

so much fun yeah whether it's Chappelle Aziz Louie right who else you used to tour with Cat Williams Cat Williams oh yeah the story you gotta tell some Cat Williams stories I mean this shit don't let the bag of money we love Cat Williams so please tell us some Cat Williams he's got the best Cat Williams stories I love Cat Williams who's taller

You were cat. I'm taller than a cat. All right, because you're what, 5'2"? Yeah, but Cat's career is way taller than me and my career are stacked on top.

There was a story with you and Cat where you guys took the private jet and he drove, right? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell that story. No, no, I won't say that. I'll tell you this other story. Tell us some of it. Cat was on stage. He comes out on stage, right? And Cat will let you take pictures, but in the beginning. So he comes out. He tells the car, go ahead, take your pictures, take your pictures. Go ahead, niggas, go ahead.

All right. All right. All right. You get enough? All right. Hey, my camera's off. Niggas. All right. And then he starts telling his jokes. He's walking around telling his jokes. And this is an arena. Yeah. This is a theater in Seattle, I believe. Okay. And Cat is walking around doing his jokes. And then some dude was like, fuck that. I want to repeat. He got his camera out. Not only got his camera out, but the light. Huge. Three, like...

The stage is lit, motherfucker. We got lights. We set lights. Yeah. Right? And Cat is just doing his jokes. And then Cat just looked like, nigga. And he walks off stage in the audience and go, what I told you? And then bash him in the head with the microphone. What? Wow. And then the guy was like...

And the cat walked back on stage. Anyway, like I was saying. Wow. It went right back into his routine. I mean, that must have killed just that bong noise. It's online. It's on YouTube. Oh, yeah? Yeah, you can see it. Pull it up.

It's funny as shit. Wow. What about the bag of money you told me about? Okay, so Cat is very generous, right? Yes. I mean, the first time I met Cat, I did a show in LA at a comedy club. What club were you at? The Laugh Factory. Good club. I like that. Yeah, good room. I just went up. They gave me a guest spot, and I did a good job, right? And then Cat went up behind me, and Cat goes, damn, I was just going to work out some jokes, but this nigga make me want to work. Ah, that's nice. But he kills.

And he didn't know you before this. He knew me, but we didn't, like, he knew me. Like, we worked at Caroline's and some other clubs, but this is the first time we interacted, you know. So at the end of the show, Cat comes up and he said, come here, I want to talk to you. My heart starts racing. I'm like, what the heck? You know, you know, you know the history, you know, about Cat, Cat's gangster. Yeah, oh yeah. So I want to talk to you. I go, what? He says, these clubs are,

They treat us like shit. And he just goes in his pocket. I'm like, oh. And he pulls out a lot of money and put it in my hand. You deserve this for all the work you did, young man. And I go, thanks, Kev, but you don't have to. Shut up!

Put the gun in your head. Put the money in your pocket. Yo, he's the nicest dude. He just gave me this money. How much did he give you? It was $800, $100 bills. And this is in the 80s. Yo, he just gave me this money. I felt like, I didn't know, like, I...

Thank them like a thousand times. Like, wow, this is the nicest dude, right? Oh, two weeks later at the comedy store, same thing happened again. They give me a guest by and cat goes on after me. And then, and I'm outside hanging out. He said, come here.

I can't believe it. God damn it. You're going to make me lose my money. And he just goes in his pocket. I'm like, cat, cat, it's cool. Shut up. And he just gave me everything he had in his pocket. He's like a pimp. Dude, he's, no, he's a freaking, he's an amazing human being. And he just gave me this money.

And just cause, you know, he feels like as hard as we work, and they don't pay a shit. They didn't pay me shit. Two weeks later, Will was on the street corner working for him. Actually, a week later, he hit me up to go on tour with him. Whoa, that's a great text to get. Really? Yeah, and I was like, yes. How was the road with him? Great. Cat treats me nice. He, utmost respect. And he does, I've never seen anybody do this.

Every time he goes in his rider, he gets the local paper.

The local paper of that town. Not the nation, the local, local paper of that town. He reads it from beginning to end. Wow. When he comes out, he does 15 to 20 minutes on that town. Wow. Crowd is going shit crazy. That's hard to follow. It's like having an opening act. Yes. That's doing local references. Local shit. This guy can't go nowhere. Cat is doing that for himself. Wow.

He cares. Yeah. That's rare. And then Cat does a show within the show, meaning he'll put on like five comics, right? The host and five other comics, right? Intermission and then Cat, right? So they get a show, like the comics on the show is like,

Like he had a genie, genie, John Weatherspoon. So like he puts a show within the show. And then so he's like, I gave you niggas a show. So now I could do what the fuck I want to do.

And what the fuck he want to do is still fucking amazing shit. Of course, he's hilarious. But he's working on stuff always. Yeah, he's constantly, yeah, Cat is constantly working. Now this could be a black thing and correct me if I'm wrong. Oh, you said N-word? Yes. You're making me want to work, N-word. He, he,

Made it off of a spot on a movie. He did a movie. What was it? Friday after next? Yeah. Was that what broke him? I feel like that's the thing in the black community where you can be in a movie and kill it like Chris Tucker, although he did Def Jam. But Chris Tucker kills so many movies. This is it. I'll say this. Black people will be like, this guy's funny. We'll go see him. Whereas a white guy, if you're in a movie and being funny, if you're like, that's a funny guy in a movie. I'll say this. Cat is who made Cat. That makes sense. His stand-up...

always was solid. So he was doing stand-up the whole time? Yeah, the whole time. Okay, okay. And then he did this little movie spot which gave him more like, people were like, oh, who's this guy? So then when they went to go see him, it was like, he was already like, it's almost like someone who came out and blow off on something but they only got 10 minutes of stand-up. Right, right. Or they're not really that funny at all. Yes. So you know what I'm saying? So that makes it, it's like when you finally get that light and then like, okay, let's see what you got and then,

Oh, he ain't got nothing. He just got a bump. That was all it was. He got a bump. He got a little bump. But I think, yeah, but Cat, he's been funny. How about the time in New York where he was throwing the money out? Can we tell that story? Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay, so... Yes, this is what I was looking for. Was this in New York? This was...

This is one of these tour dates. So Cat comes out, right? So after the show, so like I say, he does a show within the show, right? And then Cat comes out at the intermission. Brow is going shit crazy. Shit crazy, right? And then the music is playing. He's just pacing the stage. The crowd going crazy. And then he just take off his, he got a diamond ring, takes it off.

And he throws it in the crowd. He just throws it. Someone catches it. Right? And he's pacing. He takes off his Rolex, some expensive ass watch. Right? With diamonds around him and then throws it. Phil Hanley jumped up and grabbed it. He has a fur mink hat. What? He takes off the mink hat and throws it in the audience. Wow. He got a thick fur mink coat. Wow.

Takes off the mink coat and throws it. Crowds.

is going crazy. Of course. Meanwhile, he has not started yet. Music's still playing and he's pasting. We wouldn't be able to follow his non-verbal act. No, God no. I throw my Apple watch and people are like, what are you doing? I throw my Casio watch. Timex. So he throws his, so then he goes like, he's trusting his pockets. He goes, hold on one minute. He goes backstage. Now, I show preference. Casio

Cat gets his money in cash. Wow. All cash. Old school. You don't fuck around. And they put his cash in two paper bags. Jesus Christ. At the time, he was getting paid $250,000 per show. Okay. Wow. And they put two paper bags, right? I think he had either four paper bags or two paper bags with all the money, right? And when we're on the tour bus, he gets off the tour bus and he takes his money with him because he don't trust the bus drivers. Yeah.

He leaves it backstage behind the curtain, right? Okay. And he's pacing the stage, pacing the stage. He's checking his pocket. He goes, I'll be right back. He goes back and grabs one of the paper bags. Oh, my God. Right? Comes out. How's he going to follow this with the material? Hey, Uber's weird, huh? I mean, this is... You can't beat cash. Hold up, hold up, Hammer. He takes the bag, throws it,

Throws an audience. It didn't fly out. One person caught the bag. What? Right? That's probably 100 grand. Whatever it was, one person caught the bag, right? What?

Wow. Backstage, his security and his format. It's like the beginning of Fargo. His security, his manager going crazy. Yo, Cat just threw one of the bags in the audience. Cat just threw one of the bags in the audience. He's pacing the stage, right? Crowd going crazy. And the person who caught the bag is disappointed. It's just a paper bag. Ah, he got a Rolex. I got a bag? Yeah. Right? And Cat goes, I'll be right back. Oh,

And they say on the walkie talkie, he's coming back for the other bag. Hide it. Hide it. Hide it because you're like, we don't want this dude to blow all the money he's making tonight. Yeah. And that guy's probably getting paid off that bag. The security guy. So they hide the bag. Right. And he comes backstage. He goes to the security and the people. Where's the bag? Where's the bag?

And he goes, and then we don't know. Okay. And then he goes back on stage. This is like the movie heat, but he's robbing himself. He grabs him. He grabs the mic. He kills the music. He gets, I have more gifts for you, but the niggas in the back are fucking up.

Anyway, welcome. Wow. Jesus. He's the best to ever do. I love him. I love him off these stories alone. I didn't have any of those stories with Tom Papa. I'll tell you that. He throw his whole game to the audience. What about, can you tell the jet story or no? Oh,

I want to say everything, man. Save it. Save it. Save it. He flew Epstein's plane for the people at home. I didn't want to tell that one. He has an egg-shaped penis. Yeah. Anyway, no, Cat Williams sounds like the best. Oh, yeah. He's one of the best, man. One of the best. And obviously, one of the funniest as well. Yeah. So, shout out. Hey, man, Cat Williams, if you're ever listening, Yes. we'd love to have you

What do we call this? The drunk tank? What do we call in this room? Yeah, I like that. And Cat, I'll say also, man, he paid me the most ever out of all the comics I worked with. And you've worked with the biggest. I worked with a lot of comics. But don't get me wrong. I'm not criticizing other people. Sure, sure. He took care of me. Who's your favorite to be on the road with? Because you've worked with everybody. Dude, there's no... Just to be on the road with any one of these guys, to be honest, man. I have nothing bad to say about anybody I worked with

with the comics that took me on the road. Like all good things. What about Cosby? I mean, I wasn't asleep the whole time. That was just his act. Now, what do you think, what do you think, uh,

But you're on with Chappelle. I mean, like, that's got to be insane. Chappelle's amazing. I mean, Dave is such a legend. I mean, you know, for so long he's been a legend. Yeah. So, I mean, I feel like he was a legend in his, like, 30s, which is hilarious. And he worked with Patrice. I mean, Will's been around. You were roommates with Patrice, or not? Eight years with Patrice. You lived with him for eight years. Did he...

Did he, do you feel like he bestowed a lot of, you know, comedy knowledge? He was longer in the game than you. Oh, yeah. He was like, every morning, wake me up, curse me out, and drop knowledge nonstop. We talked about so many things. And it's one of those things, to be honest, man, is like...

You think he's going to be around for a long time, so I'm not taking it in like I should have. If I would have known what I know now, I would have recorded. I did the first ever Patrice O'Neal podcast, believe it or not. Really? Beige Phillip? 2001. Wow. I had a mini disc. What? Yeah. You want a mini disc? Yeah. And then Patrice was doing this whole thing about rating women from 1 to 30. Uh-huh. You know, 10, 10, 10. Did you know about that? No, no. Funny as shit.

And I said, yo, dude, we should get some girls in here and talk and do a show. Yeah. This is funny as shit. So we taped two shows, and we got some girls in the apartment, and I cooked some food, and we started recording. Can you cook, Will? Huh? Can you cook? Oh, yeah, I love cooking. What? When I was eating fish, I cooked stuffed salmon. You're on fish?

Huh? You're off fish? I'm vegan, but I'm not an asshole. So that's no caffeine, no booze, no meat, no sugar, no fish. Is that he is so healthy, but he's so generous. I'm not so healthy. But you know what? You treat yourself occasionally, but like whenever you're eating at the cellar, you've always got some like vegan restaurant food and you're always like, try this, try this. You cursed me out.

I'd shun you a little bit. A little bit? You call me the N-word every time, Mike. You know what? I know these N-words. Y'all N-words eat this shit. This is what he fucking does. This is what he does. I brought up the gorilla shit earlier. He's a fucking asshole. This guy's a fucking asshole. Tell us about opening for Kramer. Will will fuck you to the death. But...

Yeah, what's your, what are like go-to, do you cook vegan? I cook, yeah, I cook vegan, yeah. What do you make? I make, what do I make? Do you go Haitian? Like a vegan pasta. Okay, there you go. I do that, I make that sometimes. It's like the sauce. Do you do like Beyond Sausage or something? What do you do? I don't, I stop messing with Beyond stuff, Beyond Impossible. I heard it's not good.

Do they put so much shit in there to make it taste like meat? Exactly. It's like you might just eat real meat. Eat the meat. Because there's more ingredients in there to, you know, shit. Yeah. And they call it... Eat it more for the taste and the nutritional value. I mean, I actually think it tastes really good. It does taste good. But it tastes...

But you're right. If you're talking about the nutritional value, yeah, the sodium and all the other shit in that, for sure. And this cancer-causing things, they put... It's just...

That's the worst way to get cancer. How'd you get cancer? I was vegan. Hope it was worth it. This other guy's got throat cancer. He smoked a pack a day and drank every other hour. Didn't it say eating vaginas caused you cancer? I heard that, yeah. But if you're going to get it, going down on Catherine Zeta-Jones, not the worst way to go. Not the worst way to go. Totally. Hear, hear. Yeah, you only ate pussy for like 25 years and shit. It was goddamn worth it. I had four pussies a day. Yeah.

Every time he stopped going down, he'd go, and all that jazz, Chicago. All right. No, Catherine Zeta-Jones, I mean, come on. Who's that? That's his wife. Pull up Catherine Zeta-Jones. Pull up the scene in Entrapment where she goes under the laser with her ass. Yeah. And see the what? You'll see it. Is she an actress? Yeah. Do you not know Catherine Zeta-Jones? I'm not good with names, man. She's the one who gave him cancer. Oh, that's the one that- Her vagina. Are they still married? Oh, yeah. That's a good husband.

He said till death. She's like, he's the male version of Magic Johnson's wife. Oh, yes. There you go. Yeah. Yeah. Except Magic didn't get it from his wife. There it is. Look at that. Oh, come on. That was big in the Norman household. I'll tell you that. What movie is that? Entrapment.

Wasn't that entrapping us, that scene? Well, the problem is she doesn't have much of an anal, but in that position, it really works. One more time, Matt, for the kids at home. We don't want to... Great actress, too. I mean, like, legit talent. Hold on. Let me ask you this. Oh, very good. Let me ask you this. You did that scene. That scene was in the script. Intolerable cruelty. That's it. Hold up, Hammer. You did that scene was in the script, or they say, hey, what skills do you have? And she said, I can do this.

And they wrote that scene in the script. I don't think Holly was allowed to say that anymore back then, Will. Yeah. It's anybody's guess. It's the 90s. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Like, look at that scene right there.

Like, let's say she couldn't do that. That's some yoga type movement. It might have been a body double too. Michael Douglas is Hollywood royalty though. So I think it worked out okay for both of them. Yeah, yeah, for sure. They look like night and day. Look how young she looks. Well, yeah, I mean, let's be real. He's old as shit and she's gorgeous. I mean... But he's probably...

25 years older? Let's take a guess. Is that it? Take a guess. 25 sounds all right. I think he could be more than 25. He might be. You might be right. He could be 30. Now, what is the rule here? Now, I've been drinking. I'll tell you. My girlfriend and I, the other night, we're just going through Amazon. 25. Wow, I nailed it. You nailed it. Good job. All right. Thank you. But we're going through, which, by the way, is fine when he's 65 and she's 40.

When he's 80, you know. And she's. 55. It's a different ball game. Good point. When he's 80, how old will she be? 55. Wait. Wait. How old is she now? I assume they're in that ballpark, right? 25. Is he not 80 now? He's got to be pushing it, right? That's where the rubber meets the road. Yeah. When he turns 80 and she's 55. So that's all fun and games when you go to Distinguished Older Gentlemen. But, you know. When the diapers come in. We were watching, you know, Taylor and I were watching.

We're just scrolling through Amazon. We're like, what can we watch right now? We were watching that show Yellow Jackets for a while on Showtime. Any good? It is good. All right, I'll check it out. It's mindless. The dialogue is terrible, but the writing is great. Wait a minute. If that makes sense. The story is killer. Oh, got it, got it. Christina Ricci is incredible. Oh, I love the reach. I love her. Juliette Lewis is hilarious on it. I like Lewis. It's a cool cast. Yeah. What's her name from Togetherness, the man-woman-

Melanie Lipsky or something. She's very good. The cast is excellent. You guys are talking about all these white and white actors and white movies. You know what? There's a black actress on there too. It's four main actors. I forgot her name because she's not- Nicole Bihari? Is that who it is? I don't know, but we'll figure it out. Tahisi Coates? I've heard of him. She's 52, so he's 77 then. Okay, here's the thing though. 77. 77.

So we're scrolling through movies to watch. We get on Amazon. Something's got to give. She goes, I remember hating this movie. And I was like, I don't think it's that bad. It's Nicholson. It's Keaton. It's kind of fun, right? We turn it on. Out of the gate, it's like Nicholson is banging Amanda Peet. And Taylor's the next to me. She goes, I love Jack Nicholson, but he's not a handsome older man. Sure. So the fact that he's banging Amanda Peet...

And he's, what, 70 in this? And she's 25? What? Yeah, she's a hot younger lady. Amanda Peete? Amanda Peete is gorgeous. Gorgeous. And I love Jack Nicholson. But unless he's playing Jack Nicholson. Oh my God, that's Amanda Peete? Yeah. Yeah. That's right up your anal, Will. I know your type. She's married to David Benioff, by the way. Who's that? Game of Thrones. Oh.

That guy? He wrote this book. Fuck, what's the name? Look up David Benioff Russian War book. It's really Thieves of City or something. You make a good point because when you're watching a movie, you want to feel like it's real. City of Thieves it's called. The fact that he's banging her

Is he rich in the film? Look it up. That's a good question. Will, you're on a podcast. Turn your fucking ringer off. What would Cat Williams say about this bullshit? Will's got to do a Grubhub order. Look at them together. It does not look normal. No, of course not.

And I am a Jack Nicholson defender to the death. Love the Nicholson. But this is one of the things, like, you watch old rom-coms from, like, the 50s. Like, I love, we were talking about Sabrina the other week. Yeah. Humphrey Bogart and Audrey Hepburn, and he's, like, in his 50s. Yeah. And she's in her 20s, and you're like, this looks fucking weird, dude. It looks weird. But isn't that the point of the movie? That's the scene that started?

When you was watching him with Taylor? Blow that up. He's got to be 40 years older than her in this scene. Easily. Because she's playing under 30 and he's playing... Hold on. I need to take Viagra. You guys are missing the biggest thing. Yeah. Look how good of an actress she is acting like she's enjoying this old dude. But here's the question. This is the dilemma. Some women like older men. So a lot of girls get upset. But are they that hot is the question.

The women that like older men? And do the older men look like Jack Nicholson or do they look like... Who's like a really hot older guy? Sean Connery. Oh, he died. Shit. Richard Gere. Denzel Washington. No one is... Denzel is looking great. Nicholson...

But if he's loaded, let's say he's the CEO of Moderna. COVID. So anyway. I'm going to test today, buddy. Nicholson is my favorite. Pierce Brosnan. Pierce Brosnan. That's a hot older guy. That's a hunk. Right. Now, if he dates a 25-year-old, is that bad? If she wants to fuck him. That's what my point. If Pete starts fucking this dude, it's realistic. If we're talking about accepting people. Pete Davidson? Pete Davidson?

Sorry. Well, if we're talking about accepting people, we're accepting like, hey, you're into this. You should be. Oh, that's a good point. All I'm saying is watching that in a movie and seeing Nicholson look like you can't look like that. And like, I know you're a star. So it's like if it's Jack Nicholson in real life, you could fuck anybody. Right. Because we believe it because you're Jack Nicholson. Or if he's just a billionaire.

Yes, yes. But even Bezos is kind of shredded now. Have you seen him? He's looking great, and I think he's got a new lady on his arm. His arms look so good, it's like he's working in those warehouses. He could be a stunt double. He got that kind of money, he could get a stunt double. That's true, a body double, yeah. You see he's having like a midlife crisis. He's dressing like a weird Guido club guy. Is that his ex-wife? No.

No, that's not his ex-wife. Oh. His ex-wife is Mackenzie. No, she's the red dress. No, to the right. There's the ex-wife. Yeah. She's doing pretty well. She's doing crazy well. Well, he's got a lazy eye. And she's giving up half her money up. What? Yeah. For what? She's just giving it away. To charity? Who is she, Cat Williams? Brown bag in it.

Yeah, look, Bezos is kind of ripped. That's Bezos? He's like 58. He looks great. That's Bezos? Yes. I had a thought where I was like, man, I'd love to look like that in my 50s. And I was like, I'd love to look like that today. Good point.

He looks hot. But he can afford the best trainer. He's got the best food. He's got all this shit. It is easier to be fit when you've got people just being like, be fit. Yes. Or they constantly get the best foods for you. That too. Because in America, they put so much shit in the foods. Even when you're eating healthy foods, there's so much shit. You got that right. When I gave up chicken, man, I gave up chicken in 2007, August 2007, never forget. I dropped

12 pounds in about two weeks. They put a lot of hormones in chicken. By the way, I don't want to shit on you, Will, but I don't want to use you giving up chicken, never forget. As a New Yorker, that offends me a little bit. 9-11, never forget. You giving up chicken. Are you trying to say black people all they do is eat chicken? I'm just saying you giving up chicken is your 9-11. Either way, it was burning, that chicken. It was...

Why do you give up chicken, Will? Because of the hormones. They put a lot of shit in there. They put a lot of shit in chicken. I went to Haiti, right? I went to Haiti one time, and the food, I remember I ate so much, and I didn't gain a pound. And then I was like, wow, I didn't gain nothing. And then someone reminded me, like, oh, Haiti...

All the food is in-house. Organic. A lot of the farm to table in Haiti, where it's like some place like Jamaica, they get KFC. All these other influences by America. Not shit on America, but

They go to these countries and they start building and they show these countries how to make food in abundance. Australia is another one where everything is like, I feel like. Is that right? Well, it's like all the beef is just better in Australia, I feel like. Some places. Some places. He's been there a lot. You love Australia. I mean, whoa, you travel like crazy. Shout out to Australia. Yeah, you travel everywhere. You've been everywhere for comedy. I was in Perth, Adelaide, Kalgoorlie, Margaret River, Melbourne, Sydney.

Damn. You're like a, you stand out over there. Cause I'm black? Yeah. I think you're exotic in Australia. Don't you think? Yeah. People look at me like, Hey, he don't look like an abo. Where's the spear? Damn Mark. Holy shit. Oh, sorry. Um,

I will say, you go to Italy. I went to Italy a couple years ago. No one's fat. And all they eat is pasta, cheese, bread. And I'm like, what the fuck? Because their pasta is made different. It's better. Their food is made different. Yeah. And also, they stop eating in between. We snack like motherfuckers. Oh, we do snack. They do have their portion control down in a different way. We're like...

Same with France. Like, look at the French. Like, they just look like, of course, there's like, if you see like a chef there, they look like shit because they're just snacking on that shit all day. But the people that actually just eat that stuff all day, they don't look bad. Yeah. I actually started doing intermittent fasting a few years ago. You did what? That's like intermittent fasting. Oh, shit. You know what that is? Where you don't eat for a while? How many hours a day are you allowed to eat? Eight.

Okay, I'm different. I look at it as I focus on the hours I'm not eating because that's when your body's using your body fat for fuel and energy. So when you're not eating, so when you fast, your body, first place your body goes is your stomach. There's no food there. Then it goes and get the fat. Uh-huh. And breaks it down and use that. That make sense? Yes. So, uh,

Hunger is not linear. It goes up, it peaks, and it drops. So people think, if you stay hungry, your hunger going to get higher and higher. No. Once you reach a peak, it drops because then your body just go and search for fuel. Because all fat is stored energy. Because your body's like, I can't, we don't need all this fuel. We'll just save it for later. But later never comes because...

Because then you eat again. You eat again. And the first place, again, your body goes to is your stomach for fuel. And so then it never goes to the fat. So I focus on the not eating part. You're supposed to do 16 hours. I average 18 to 20 hours. What? Everybody calm down. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I'm confused. You don't eat for 18 hours? Intermittent fasting is you're supposed to fast for 16 hours.

And you eat for eight hours. When do you sleep? That's part of it. That's part of it. So let's say you sleep for eight hours. Then you just have to do another eight hours of not eating. That make sense? I do intermittent fucking where I don't fuck for like a while. Oh, I do intermittent fucking also, but I haven't fucked since 2010.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, what? Yeah, I've been. He was asleep the whole time. What? You eat her out, though. Or does that count against the fasting? Wait, I have a question. So you go to bed for. So you sleep for eight hours. Then you wake up. That means you have another eight hours of fasting.

Okay. So let's say you wake up at 8 o'clock, right? 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 1, 2, 3. So then you could eat at 3 o'clock. That make sense? Do you go hog wild and eat a bunch of crazy food? I mean, you should try not. You should try to eat as healthy. But I'm telling you, it works. Yeah. Now I elevated. I'm doing an OMAD. You know OMAD? I know NOMAD. Yeah.

I don't know OMAD. What the fuck does that mean? OMAD is... What the fuck are you talking about? I've never heard of OMAD. What is Nomad? Nomad means you travel. What does that have to do with a different word? That's a good point. What is Nomad? I've never heard of Nomad. You've never heard of a Nomad? Nomad? A Nomad is someone who travels and has no home or place. A drifter? What does Nomad stand for?

It sounds like a neighborhood in Manhattan, doesn't it? I live in Nomad. It is Nomad, North Madison. Oh, okay. Well, there you go. It is a neighborhood in Manhattan. No, Omad is one meal a day. Oh, one meal a day. Yeah. I like it. Omad. And so I'll eat one meal a day and then...

So I shut it down at 4 o'clock. I eat about 11 a.m. and then till 4. What? But I'll eat one meal, and then I'll snack on fruits, veggies. Now, I suck at it because I eat a lot of cakes and stuff. Okay, so you're human. You have a vice. But they're vegan cakes, right? Yeah, yeah. So they suck. Your body's still looking. Huh?

kidding. The vegan cake. Are they good? You said something, a racial slur? Why did it jump to that? It's always racial. I didn't hear it. He always does this. I just accidentally repeat myself. I said, so the cakes suck because they're vegan. Are they good cakes? Are you trying to say they black cakes? Is that what you're trying to say? Because they suck? Chocolate cakes are always late.

Yeah, so they... No, even though they're vegan cakes, your body's still looking at sugar. Sure. So, exactly. Because there's no sugar in it? No, there's sugar in it. Vegans go hard on the sugar. I like when you say your body still looks at the sugar. Why? Well, because there's sugar in it. That's why. No, because people think that vegan cakes, they're healthier. But no, there's...

Have you seen Overweight Vegans? Yes. A gang of overweight vegans. Oh, yeah. And like, I remember the first time I met an overweight vegan, like, oh, yeah, I'm a vegan too. I'm like, okay. It's kind of like a sex addict who only jacks off. Did you just, huh? It's kind of like a sex addict who only jacks off a lot is how I look at it. A sex addict who only jacks off a lot. Because it's still not that healthy. You're not actually getting the thing. So then I'm a sex addict? Sure. No, you haven't had sex in two years. Yeah, but I jack off a lot.

Do you? How many times a day? So you're a narcissist. I just once a day. Once a day is fine. That's healthy. I think that's normal. You clean up. I used to do three, four times a day. Three, four? When was this? This was like, I don't know. Today? 2007. You were on tour with Cat. He was handing out the money. You were doing this. Right here. Wait, wait, wait. It's three times too much?

Three's a lot. I mean, look, I'll be honest. We've all been on the road. We were like, what else am I going to do? Exactly. I've been on the road to the point where you're like, okay, there's nothing to do. I'm going to jack off. Then you sit there and you wait. You're like, guess I'm waiting to like jack off again. Yeah. Because I'm in fucking Royal Oak, Michigan. I do it for all the reasons. I was doing it to save money. You jack off. You go to the clubs.

All the power was taken away. You don't have to buy drinks for girls. That's good. It's like when you pull a wooden gun on Magneto. Yeah. Right? Ooh.

And he's using his power. It's a wooden gun, man. Then he tried to fire the wooden gun. He's like, that's not that strong, though. Yeah, but still, it's like I'm pulling a wooden gun out or a wooden dick out on these girls like it's a wooden dick. It doesn't work, ladies. Unless she's Amish. We'll put this credit card in the bar. His forearm is this big. Jesus Christ.

I was... Actually, I was a bed humper for a while. Me too. Me too. You humped the bed? Yeah, I humped the bed, humped the floor. How was that? I mean, that's what I did. Then I found out like, oh, you could do it with your hands? Really? Yeah. You were bed beforehand? I was way... I was... What? I was...

mad hotels. For the friction? I fuck mad hotel bells around the beds around the world. If you're listening to this, you're not tipping your housekeeping enough. Seriously, that is a tough job. Will's the only guy who's STD is bed bugs. I've never even heard of fucking the bed before the hand. You usually graduate to the bed. For real? Yeah. The hand is the most basic first step. I mean, it's right there. No, because my first time

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My first time, I didn't know about drug at all. Because back, you know, magazines and stuff, they never show people drug at all. You didn't talk about it. And so I would have these sexual thoughts. And then I would sleep, lay on the bed, and get an erection. And then I would just move my hips like, oh, shit. Yeah. And then I passed out. I remember I was on my way to sleep.

But having, think about having sex with this girl. By the way, when I was young, I used to have sex, I used to masturbate to ugly girls, right?

But then after I finished masturbating, I dream about hot girls. Like I never fuck hot girls. What do you think is that? I don't know. Self-esteem stuff? I don't know what it was. I just thought, you know, she's hot. Were you attracted to the women that you were calling, in your mind, ugly? Yeah. I mean, clearly you were because you were masturbating. So maybe they weren't ugly. They was not as pretty as the hot girls. But that was, you know what I'm saying? Here's what I think about that. And this is my opinion. I could be wrong.

maybe they were attractive to you and you were just going by what society is calling attractive. Maybe the women that you were masturbating to, that you're like, they're ugly. Maybe they're actually attractive and you're like, this is what society says is okay to be with. Or maybe the people who are into feet is because they jacked off to socks when they was young and now they love

Feet. I jerked off into socks. Yeah, are you a foot fetish? No. Mark used to jerk off the socks then put them on the door and say, do not disturb. People would touch the door and they'd say, I will not disturb. And the sock is all hard and stiff and crunchy. Got really awkward around Christmas with the stockings. But yeah, interesting. What are we talking ugly? When you say I jerk off to an ugly gal, what are we talking here? Like...

You kind of look like me without the beard. Oh, that's pretty bad. Okay. I get it now. But a hot body, though. A hot body. Well, you got a hot body. A hot body. I used to also be attracted. I still am, but back then I used to be only attracted to big girls. How big? Big. Really? Because I didn't know what a vagina was, but I knew I wanted it. Yes. And I thought big girls had more to give. Like, big girls have bigger titties. I'm like, they must have...

More vagina. Yeah, that makes sense. Right? Good logic. And I was hooking up with a lot of big girls, and then I had a skinny girl, and I was like, wait a minute. This is the same amount of vagina I was getting from a big girl. Same goes for dick. A fat guy is the same dick.

Nah, when I lost the weight, I got more dick. What? Yeah, how do you get more? Maybe it just looked like more. I can't explain it. Yeah, I think that's what it is. I think Mark has nailed it here. I'm not making up. If you lose weight, your dick gets bigger. We're going to need a before and after picture, Will. No, that's crazy. Otherwise, every guy would just get fat because your dick would get bigger. And girls would be into fat guys. No, no, no, no, no. When I lost the weight, my dick got bigger. No, no, no, we hear what you're saying. No, no, no, no, he said... Oh, you're right, you're right, okay. Hmm. He thought...

Why would it get bigger? I can't explain. No, but I think what Mark was saying was it gets bigger by comparison. Will weight loss lead to a larger penis? Yeah, it's an optical illusion. We got to measure it. I never measured it. Oh, there you go. I had a girl once told me I was a virgin until I was 24. Wow.

And she told me, you know, I lie to my dick. Yeah, I'm doing what I do. I do what I do. Yeah. And she told me when girls tell you your dick is big, it's because your dick is small. Because what they do is the women like to get guys with little dicks to gas their heads up. And that's how they get guys with small dicks to pay for shit.

Damn. Because they make them feel good. Oh, my God. Your dick is so big. Like, girl, we're going shopping after this. But when a girl tells you. He rolls up in a Corvette. She's like, your dick is the biggest dick I've ever seen. When the girl tells you your dick is small, it's really big because they don't want to gas guys with big dicks heads up. Got it. Man, I must have a huge dick. Yeah.

- 'Cause every woman's been like, "This is tiny." - So I thought I had a small dick for a long time. - Women walking by in the hallway like this, you're like, "Thank you." - I thought I had a small dick for a long time. - Really? - 'Cause girls was like, "Oh my God, it's big." I'm like, "Here we go again." - Oh, I knew that. - Well, if you never use a communal shower, you're packing heat, buddy. - A communal shower? - Yeah, you've never been like a gym where there's like a lot of naked people? - No, we don't do that in the hood. - Ah. - Yeah, I just go home, take a shower. - What about the gym?

I'd still go home and take a shower. Okay. But you are a gym rat. I mean, there's at least foot and all that shit. Yeah, now I hear you. I started like now recently in my later years using the local bathrooms to take a shower, but I use flip-flops. Oh, yeah. What about underwear?

You go wear underwear? In the shower? Yeah, yeah. I go in. No, no, no. It's a solo shower. Oh, solo. Yeah. Smart. Not no prison showers. Got it, got it. Well, at my high school, we took showers together. For real? Yeah. It was awkward.

What happened? Well, you know, you were glad when an Asian guy walked in. You dropped the soap? No, no. I went body wash. Nobody's dropping that. But yeah. You dropped the body wash. You're like, fuck it, I'll buy a new one. Exactly. What, yeah, no, we used to, summer camp, we used to shower with kids and it was like, yeah, you know. Well, you shower with kids, right? Yeah.

Yeah, dude, I was 24. I was like, let's fucking let the good times roll. He went to the Epstein camp. But wait, this is a Jewish camp. All right, at least you guys are all in the same background. Epstein was Jewish? I know, I'm just saying, I went to school with everybody. And it was a UN of dicks. Oh, yeah, the Jewish camp is all circumcised, right? Yeah, usually. There's a few people that weren't, but yeah, usually. Did they get bullied?

That's a weird bully walking in. All right, pussies. Which one of you didn't see a moil? A moil? That's the guy who circumcises you. Why you do it like that? He's got a moil. You cut it. You put a little wine on the baby's tongue and you cut it. The what? They use their teeth like...

They bite it off? Yeah, I heard one guy use his teeth. I heard they kiss it after. Is that true? No, I heard a story. I'm...

Do they kiss it? I heard they suck the blood and then sometimes a baby will get herpes because maybe the moil is herpes. That's what I'm saying. That was a moil. Give it a go. He would cut it and then he'll do like this. I heard that too, actually. Jesus Christ. There it is. The worst way to get herpes imaginable. Oh my God, I know. A toilet seat just moved up a notch. You got it from a fucking moil? Yeah.

Moyle sounds like it's a derogatory. Yeah, Moyle. Fucking Moyle. You're right, it does. Too many Moyles moving into my neighborhood. I'll tell you. I'll tell you. Good Moyle really seems to care. How you get infected with that goddamn Moyle? Yeah. Now, you grew up in Brooklyn when Brooklyn was terrifying. Yeah. East New York. East New York. East New York is tough. It's a tough neighborhood. Yeah, I lock my doors when I drive around East New York. Yeah. Wow. It'll never get gentrified.

No, I wipe you move in and move right back out a week later. I was on a train and a guy got, it was a guy fucking with me on the train. This was many years ago. I was coming back from a gig in Princeton. I was doing a shithole club called Catch Rising. Oh yeah, New Jersey. But they let me headline. This was many years ago.

And I remember getting on the train and I'm fucking like, fuck this. I'm drinking a fucking Buffalo trace on the train. So I'm pounding a whiskey waiting to go back. It's one of those like train. Yeah. I'm like done with the weekend. I'm taking the New Jersey transit home. I get on a train. Some guy starts fucking with me on the train. What'd he look like? Weird looking guy. Describe him. Small guy, white, calm down.

And he's fucking with me. A bit of a moil. Fuck with me so wrong. This is what he asked me. He goes, he starts poking people. He's just like asking provocative questions. Me, he goes, what do you think about immigration? Ah!

And I've had drinks to me. So I'm drunk. I'm just like, I think they're taking our damn job trying to be funny. I'm like, clearly this guy's going to know I'm joking. It's funny. I don't feel that way. I'm trying to be funny. And the guy goes, you're a fucking bigot. And I'm like, you're a crazy guy. I'm not doing this. He starts fucking me. He goes, I'm going to hurt you. And I'm like, oh, fuck. This is pre-Twitter, I guess, when you had to do it in person. So we're walking. Yeah.

We're walking along the tracks. I'm trying to avoid him. Oh, wow. Waiting for the train. He's fucking with me. And I remember I'm texting Hanley like, oh, this dude's fucking. You just need a friend. Is Hanley going to come and save you? No, but I just wanted a vent. I just wanted to come home. Hey, guy. You want to come to this bathroom? Phil's like, just take this Rolex. Run. The guy chases it. No. What year are we talking?

2012, 2011. Okay, okay, all right. And I remember just being like, God damn, this guy's fucking with me. And like, you know he's crazy. You know, like he's got nothing to lose. So I'm like, just trying to avoid it. Yeah. I'm hiding on the train. I'm trying to avoid him. I finally elude him, right? I'm sitting on the, on the, uh,

Train ignoring him. You're hiding on the train. On the platform. No, I get on the train finally. He's on the train. Yeah, no. I find like a window seat. I'm kind of just, I found a way to get away from this guy. He starts fucking with other people. He's not in the right mind. Right. He goes up to another guy. What do you think about immigration? And he starts fucking with the wrong guys. Hold on. What was it? What was it? Some people's answers. I don't remember, but I do remember this is the part that where it turned.

is a guy he says to the guy what do you think about immigration and the guy goes the fuck did you say to me and he goes what do you think and the guy's a tough looking dude and he goes East New York motherfucker and I was like that sounds tough yeah I can't say Chelsea motherfucker

We got a burgeoning art community. What? No. But he was, he got in the guy's face. So ho, bitch. So ho. Break yourself. Well, he gets in the guy's fucking face to the point that I'm like, oh, this is fucking. Hold on, hold on. So long, Hammer. What did the guy look like? So this is when it got creepy. The guy who was talking shit takes his hat off and I'm like, this dude cuts his own hair and not in a cute way, in a way that like, he's missing a lot of parts here. I'm like, this doesn't look good.

Looks like he fell asleep on the train tracks. Yeah, he doesn't look. Something's off and you're like, this dude's crazy. It's like you don't want to fuck with a dude who's got nothing. Yes. And that's what this dude has. So that's why I was kind of like, let me just try to get away from this shit. I'm not an idiot. When someone fucks with you, you get away. You don't try to engage with that shit because they're fucking with you because this is all they have. Yes. You know? So this other dude is a tough looking dude. What he looked like.

I'm not going to say his race because it could be any race. But he's screaming East New York, motherfucker. And he's like in his face and he's like, he's built. He's like a tough looking guy. And I was like, first off, this dude's my guardian angel. Yeah. Second off, like, I would not fuck with this guy. He's talking shit. East New York, what? And I'm like, he's going to kill this guy. No, he's Asian. Anyway, this Filipino gentleman who's saving me.

East New York motherfucker in his face and the guy is like, ah, he's like backing down a little bit. The ticket guy is like, guys, please. And he's like, fuck off. And the guy's like, ah, runs away. The train stops. The ticket guy runs away? Yeah, he doesn't want, this dude who's fucking starting shit is like, no one wants to get in his way. You know, he's, let him do what he wants. The train stops. The cops come. They both get arrested. Uh,

And I'm like... What? Did he ever... Were there fisticuffs or anything? I didn't see it. Okay. But...

It was like right there. If it happened, it happened. I don't know. Yeah, yeah. But I missed that part because I'm like, I'm going to throw on some fucking music. Yeah. Throw on the earphones, you know? But I'm like, let them do whatever the fuck they want. I'm glad he fucked with another dude. Yeah. I think that's what like city type of shit prepares you for is that you're like, I know when to walk away because I know I'm not a fighter. So when people talk shit to me, I'm like...

I'm going to go over here. You're going to keep talking shit. You'll run into the wrong guy. And that's natural selection, baby. Because he's going to fuck your ass up and we're going to get rid of this shit talking. Yes. That guy ain't me. Sam, I got to confess. That ending was underwhelming. I thought you was going somewhere else with it. Yeah. You think you're on turtleneck on it being the boss. I'm like, East New York, bitch. And the guy was like, what?

what here's what Will wanted to hear he wanted the guy with the shitty hair to go put your mouth on the curb like ah that's what you want to hear from me I thought that would be some crazy shit I thought so too but thank you Mark yeah no the cops came and they both got arrested that's all that happened oh right that's just another day ah

Well, it's another day. We're talking about East New York. That made me think of it. I apologize. East New York is tough, man. Yeah. East New York, yeah. They used to steal your... I used to have... My mother bought me some expensive sneakers one time. Uh-oh. And she said, they ever steal them, never again, right? So I used to carry my cheap sneakers and my expensive sneakers. Wow. So when I got to my school and the good neighbors, I had my...

expensive sneakers on. Then when the neighborhood was getting a little, you know, yeah, motherfucker, I swapped sneakers. And those cheap sneakers were my guardian angels. Really? They were my East New York big, because they'll look at your feet, they're like, oh, yeah, you ain't talking about nothing. You know what I'm saying? What were the cheap and what were the expensive? You know, like the boat shoes?

- The white people wear it? - Yeah, yeah. - You know what I'm saying? - You're wearing boat shoes in East New York? - Yeah, but they cheap boat shoes, like $3. It was in a big basket. - River shoes. - Huh? - I'm fucking right. - Yeah, it was cheap shoes. But those shoes are the ones that saved me all the time. And I used to have two watches. - What were the expensive ones?

Oh, I had Adidas. I don't know if I have some Adidas. That was back in the Run DMC. Yeah. Adidas. Adidas. Shell Toe. Yeah. Yeah, I had the shitty bike and the good bike in my neighborhood. But every time I took the good bike, I would get stolen.

And then I would see the guy riding around on my bike. Stolen from you or you left it and it got stolen? Both. I've had both. I got the bike stolen from under me twice and then once. How'd they take it? What'd they do? One time it was a Christmas gift and they stole it on Christmas Eve. Where?

In my neighborhood. No, but how did they take it from you though? Oh, they just, you know, one time two guys or three guys, excuse me. They were a little older than me. Ah, so embarrassing. I came from summer camp and I had a face paint. It was face paint day and we painted shit on kids, like really little kids. I was probably 13 and I had a rainbow on this side and a,

like a candy bar or a cloud or something cute on the other, a unicorn. You deserve to get your bike stolen. I know, I know. And these kids kept rubbing their front tire on my back tire and I was like, oh, I'm good, I'm good. But the face paint, I'm a sitting duck. Oh, they was on bikes also? Yeah, yeah.

And then it was, yeah, it felt just like that. And I'm like so close to home. I'm like three blocks away, but they kept rubbing their front tire on my back tire. And I was like, I'm good. I'm good. And then they, what were they telling you? What were they saying? Like, let me try your bike. Let me try your bike. That's what they kept saying. And I was like, I'm good. No, thank you. And they would pull up in front of me and I had to stop. And you couldn't ask. I'll race them. No, I couldn't. These guys run. I was on like a, you know, regular bike. These guys had souped up bikes. Right.

And eventually, I was sitting on the bike and I remember telling myself, don't get off the bike. If you get off the bike, it's over. And eventually, one of the guys pushed me and I fell off the bike, but I kept holding the handle and he did like that and my hand fell off and he went, check ya, and rode away. And I started crying and ran home. Fun times. How old were you? I was like 13. Oh, I was gonna say last week. Yeah, I was 28. Yeah.

Mark still paints his face and it does not play well here in downtown Manhattan. I know, I should have gone blackface. What kind of bike was it? It was a nice bike too. It was like a mountain bike. Oh, your mom's bought it for you? Yeah, and I remember my bike got stolen Christmas Eve and I remember Christmas morning they rode past us and my dad was like, motherfucker, this neighborhood. You know, he went nuts. Your dad didn't go out to the bike?

Well, they were riding away. Was he going to run after it? He was in a robe. Get in the car and then his car will with their bike tire. Oh, I wish. He didn't care that much. But he was just like, I spent, you know, 50 bucks on that thing. And that was in the 90s. Will, do you have any peeves? Any pet peeves? Any things that really bother you lately?

- Hmm, sickle cell, let's see. What else? The man. - I don't like when people keep saying the same thing over and over again. Like if we're talking, they keep saying, you know, oh, I really like that. Or I really like, like, oh yeah, I get it, I get it. - Oh yeah, I'm with you on that. - Yeah. - 'Cause then you have to keep reacting. - Yeah, like you don't know how to, yeah. - Well, it's like the conversation has come to a standstill. They're not adding anything new. - They're not adding anything new, but they keep bringing up every few seconds,

"Oh, that's a nice jacket, man, all right, thanks." - Oh, that's the worst. - Yeah. - 'Cause if you stop going, "All right, I got it," they go, "Jesus, I was trying to compliment you." - And Will's like, "First off, this is my cheap jacket. "The good one's in the bag right here." - Yeah, I'm with you on that, the repeating. - Yeah, the pet peeve. - I hate when somebody tells a joke and it doesn't get a laugh, so they keep telling it like, "You guys must've missed it." Like, "No, no, the joke sucked."

You should have just kept it quiet, but you had to keep telling the joke over. I think I retold one on this episode because Will said, what? And I hated myself for it. I was angry I did it because I know people were listening. Like, why do you retell that shitty joke? But the what prompts the retelling. I know. I'm talking about the guy who's just bombing and he keeps telling it like, oh, you guys must have missed it. Like, no, no, we caught it. No, you should never retell a joke, honestly, because if it didn't get a laugh the first time, there might be a reason for that. Right.

Right. Oh, you know, when, when comics, they, um, they'll, they, where they, they stick to the script so much, like they don't veer away from the script. So they'll do a joke. And, and let's say, you know, the crowd is not laughing. They'll still stick to the script. They'll be like, yeah. And I took my wife's pillow. Hey, you laugh now, but my wife didn't think it's funny. It's like the crowd's not even laughing. You laugh now, but my wife didn't think it was funny. Like, dude, like,

The autopilot comedian. Yeah, comics all the time. We call them the push play comic, right? Where they're like, they have the crowd work that's preordained. So they kind of look at someone like, this black guy knows what I'm talking about. It's like a white guy right there. That's how scripted their act is. Or how about the guy who's like, so I fucked your wife the other day. Oh, you guys can't handle it? Like, no, we're on board.

We were all laughing. What do you mean you can't handle it? Then they have a joke about how you can't handle it. Like, no, we're fine. Yeah. We're always laughing. What are you talking about? Yeah. The guy with the pre-scripted rant. Oh, you didn't like that joke? Here's a two-minute rant why you should have. No, we all liked the joke. We laughed. What are you doing? Or they'll point to someone in the back. Yeah, the person in the back didn't like it. Like, who's who? Right. I mean, I don't know.

I'll go as far, and this is maybe I shouldn't say out loud, but the comic who, like the Middle Eastern comic goes on, I know you thought I was a terrorist. No, you were booked. You're a comedian. It's America. No one thought you were a terrorist. No one's like, this guy's good. He's a terrorist. You know what happened to me in, what year was that? 98? 98?

I won't say the name of the comedy club, though. All right. I went to a comedy club. It's Dangerfield. And I asked, can I get on? And they said, oh, we already have our black comic for the week. Whoa. For the week? Yeah. For the week. We already have our black comic for the week. But you got to understand, right? Back then...

I thought that was the norm because it was white clubs, white people, white comedians. So I'm thinking, okay, maybe they, I'm thinking, I'm not thinking racist. I'm thinking, oh, maybe the white crowd don't want to see black comics and like, ah, another black comic.

for the week though it should be at least a month it was not February yeah so but I mean it's crazy that sounds that sounds today yeah back then it's like I'm like okay so I'm so I went to another so I started looking up clubs that didn't have a black comic right and I'm like damn all these clubs got a black comic for the

That they already fuck with. Right. They got the token black. You know alt comedy? Where that came from? I just found out what alt comedy. Alternative. Yeah, but it really stands for doing a comedy show at a place that's not a comedy club. I know. I remember learning that too. But black comedians started that. Oh, yeah.

Because you guys wouldn't let us into the club, right? You guys? You guys. You mean us? Yeah. You can't say us. We're 20 years younger than you, motherfucker. What are you doing? Two of the Pete, that one's a club. Well, I can say you stole my bike. We can do this all day. Oh, you didn't say it was black people. Wow, I thought it was implied.

I could say you're my guardian angel. Yeah, but I will say, dude, I hear what you're saying. I mean, look. No, but hold on. What I'm saying was- The Negro Leagues was technically the first all-baseball league, too. No, what I'm saying was- Oh, interesting. What I'm saying was they wouldn't- So we would start shows at bars, restaurants, whatever. But then somehow, all comedy got turned into- Like, you guys took that from us-

You guys. He's not pointing at us. He took it from us and made it something else. Because now when you hear alt-com, you don't think of like a comic club, a comic show, not a comic club. You think of weird or different comedy. Nerd comedy. You know what I'm talking about? When did that start changing? Totally. Alt-comedy is funny. I mean, when Mark and I were coming up, you know, we came up after you, Will, but like when we were coming up,

All comics were the ones getting all the TV shows. Yeah. Like, Mark and I were always resentful because I think we were always kind of road guys and club guys and we thought we were working really hard on honing our stuff and we'd see these old guys who got up not nearly as much as us and who we didn't think had chops and were getting all the TV spots. So we were always a little bit like...

Who the fuck are these guys? Meanwhile, they were doing a totally different thing. A lot of them are hilarious. You know, there's a lot of great old comics, but you know, a lot of that stuff dried up because they were not doing the repetition where they were doing like their Brooklyn show or something, but they weren't going up in the Midwest. They weren't going up in the South. Right, right.

And, you know, there's a reason that shit played to a very small demographic, I think, sometimes. Yeah. Ironically, it was the least inclusive kind of comedy. Like, they couldn't go outside of their bubble. Right. It was, like, kind of very liberal. Yes. But then it was kind of, like, all an inside joke. Exactly. A lot of it was... I'd find a lot of those... I'd do those rooms, always. You know, we had Gaffigan on last week. We talked about, like, the necessity to do all the rooms. Sure. You can talk about all this shit. But, like...

and connect to any audience because there's an importance in being able to have that. And I think we all pride ourselves on that. But yeah,

you do some of these rooms and it would be like some anti-comedy shit. Some guy going up mocking like a road hack. And I'd watch some of these guys like, well, you don't have the tools to even be a road hack. Yes. Good point. You're mocking this shit. But like to break the rules, you kind of have to know the rules a little bit. And you see some of these great like film directors and they're kind of mocking cinema. But a lot of times it'd be like Robert Altman and you'd be like, well, he's a genius director, you know? So it'd be someone like that. And so...

But the thing is with alt-com, like, okay, so that was the beginning of alt-comedy, you know, black. But somehow it switched to the type of jokes you're telling. Yes. And then the type of clubs you're working where it's not comic clubs. So what did alt-com turn into? Like, what type of jokes were people saying? It turned into...

Janine Garofalo looking at her notes and it turned into a cool coffee shop. Yeah, but Colin Quinn doesn't show at the comic sale every Monday. He looked at his notes. I know. Killing it. But she popularized it.

And I like Janine. I like Janine, too. I think what Mark's saying is, like, sometimes when someone breaks through doing a certain thing, others follow for the wrong reasons. Right, right. You know, like, maybe people saw Janine do the notes thing, and they took that as a hint that they could use it as an excuse to not be funny. Like, they'd look at their notes, but they'd be doing their A material. Right, right. And they'd be like, anyway, what else? And then they'd do their A shit, and it's like, all right, well...

You know, you're either working on it or not. Like, we all, you know, look up to Colin Quinn because Colin is always trying to grow as a comic. And Colin is always like, you know, this sounds pretentious as fuck. But Colin is, like, seeking shit. Like, Colin is looking to grow as a comic always. And that's why I've always looked up to Colin. Oh, yeah. The old comic is one thing. But the old audience, do they purposely go, hey, let's go and not laugh? Like...

It sure as hell feels like it sometimes. I don't know. We bomb there all day long. I go there, but I do feel like some of those Brooklyn crowds, I'll always do it because I think it's important to always kind of

do different rooms that are not do the crowd know that they're old crowd do they call themselves old crowd no they're not as energized i do think there's like more of a standards and practices in their brain being like is this okay to laugh at oh for sure this is not original old crowd black shows they laugh they laugh like you watch that comedy jam talk about energized oh shoot i used to do do you ever do smoky's room at mocha lounge yeah yeah that was a fucking alt room

Holy shit. My show, Boston Comic Club, every Sunday. I heard about this. Yeah, Bill Burr, you break it up, he used to kill, kill. Yeah. Because I had trained the room to laugh. Oh, really? But don't boo, don't heckle.

Because black shows, the good comes with the bad. Like, you kill, but if you're not killing, you also will, you're going to kill yourself. It's like Roman Coliseum time. It's either great or you kill a guy. Well, as a Boston Comic-Con guy, I'm like, no, we're not doing that. We're not doing none of that. If you don't like someone, just be quiet. That's nice. And so, Bobby Kelly, Rich Voss, Jim Norton, they used to come there and just kill. That's the irony is like...

Like I've started the alt world and it was all about like, hey, we got to be nice and da da da. And then you go to these Brooklyn or Bronx room minorities. It's all black rooms or whatever. And it's vicious and fun and dirty and filthy. And you're like, all the shit you guys say that minorities are all about, they're doing the other shit. You know, like it's kind of condescending.

in a weird way. Well, it's Michael Che's great joke about how liberals love to be offended on behalf of other people. I always think of Michael Che's joke about that. It's like there is...

something incredibly pretentious about that. Yes. Like you guys can't feel how offensive this is. I'll feel it for you. It's very, you can't say you guys, you gotta say you them. You them. Oh, Marina Franklin's great joke about, I love Marina's joke about how pronouns are like, you're going to make me say they about someone. You're going to make me talk like a runaway slave. Yeah.

They went that way. I mean, like, that's a fucking brilliant joke. Brilliant joke. You just hacked it and you just made it, you just messed it up. I messed it up? Now you can't use it on, she can't use it on the road. I'm joking. Fuck. Sorry, Marina. I think that joke's out there. No, she did it on Conan. All right. She's funny as hell. I love Marina. Love Marina. I will say this, you know, which, by the way, I hate when people say, that's a peeve and I just did it myself. I just built up what I, I will say this.

Fuck me. What am I going to say? You know another thing when people say, at the end of the day? Yeah. Yeah, that's a big one. At midday, I'm going to say this. Right, right, right. Exactly. You know what? Top of the morning, I think it should be said. Oh, let me find some more peeves. Yeah, me too. How about this one? Uh-huh.

The guy who won't stop harping on the fact that he's making a point. You know, he's like, I'll tell you, I think whiskey is better than vodka. You go, I like whiskey, too. He's like, I'm just saying whiskey is better than vodka. I'm a fan. I'm not a huge fan of vodka. I like whiskey. I'm with you. But look, can a guy have an opinion? I agree with you, motherfucker. Give it up. It's over. It kind of it's kind of going back to this guy who says the same shit over and over. Yeah.

Yeah, I think we just get bored easily. We all live in our heads. So when someone's speaking just to speak, we're just like, we can be silent. Oh, I know another pet peeve I hate. Hit me.

When a hot girl walk, and this is like, not even, this is back then I used to hate it. When a hot girl walked by and another dude was looking at me like, hey, huh, huh? Like, dude, I'm not, come on. What's wrong with that? I purposely not look at, like when a hot girl walked by and there's dudes around, I purposely not look at guys' faces because I don't want them to go, yeah, that's the, she's a, she's, like. So you look at the woman instead? Yeah, like. You think that's a better move? You think the guy's like, oh, cool, he's just checking out the woman I'm with?

No, I'm saying, like, you don't talk about when a girl walked by and another guy would look and two guys look at each other like two stranger dudes, like, huh, huh, huh? I hate that. What's the other option? You look at her, I feel like. No, but I'm saying, like, don't, like, enjoy her on your own. Don't freaking bring me into this. Don't bring him in to, like, well done. Yeah, like. Yeah, yeah, no, I hear that. You know. What is it, a gay thing? No, I think it's just kind of like you're trying to bond over a chick, and that's weird. It's just like.

I think that's a great unifier. I mean, every race, every guy from any place in the world, a beautiful woman walks in, we all go, hey, she's hot, huh? No, but he's talking about if it's like you're with that woman. Oh, yeah, that's weird. Yeah. That's weird. I get you on that. I mean, women already have a hard time.

And like, like I always tell, I tell guys like, you know what it is to be like, to be a woman, like walking around, go, go to prison. I feel like they're not going to take you up on that dare. Go to prison. And you feel like what it is to be a woman walking about. Yeah. Interesting. Constantly. That's a good bit. That's funny.

Anyone know what it's like to be a woman? Fucking walk, Mark, walk through fucking Rikers with those lips, buddy. That's what you'll fucking, you'll feel what it's like. Well, these women luckily don't have to shower publicly. But yeah, I like that. That's a good point. What about the women who, or the guys who claim to be a woman when they go to prison? That's a smart move.

I mean, that's... So they go to women's prison. They go, I identify as a woman. Do you want a man? Do that... Is that where they go to... Yeah, if you identify as a woman, I think it was in Australia. There's a good story about this. These guys identified as women and they went to women's prison.

Yeah? Yeah, which sounds like a comedy movie. That sounds like, yeah, it sounds like Boots and Buddies now. True story. I got a peeve. You ever watch Boots and Buddies? Nothing? I love Boots and Buddies. I got a peeve. When people will post shit like this, like, name something better, I'll wait. Well, you're going to be waiting a long time because I'm not going to be conversing with you, motherfucker. You talking on social media? Yeah. Name something better. I'll wait. Okay.

Yeah, the reason no one has a response is because we just hate you so much. So we're not going to play your fucking game. Well, that's the hard thing. Like, you know, Will is obviously we're all doing the road. So we have to be somewhat COVID cautious because, you know, we don't want to cancel a weekend. Sure. Like we get COVID. A week, two weeks. A week, right? Yeah. I mean, look, you got to get a negative test. So.

We're all boosted, so I don't think the symptoms are going to be horrible at our age. But you have to look at that shit. It's a lot of money to leave on the table. Yeah. But certain people now you talk to, you have a conversation with someone. You used to have a stop and chat. It would annoy you because you didn't want to talk to that person. Now you're like, this is the person that's going to fucking infect me. Yeah.

This conversation I don't want to have is going to give me COVID. That's right. We're talking with Aziz, I think I told you guys. He keeps the bubble tight. And it's fun because it's a fun bunch.

So not like you got to go out and find fun shit to do. Right, right. Like we all, me, Phil, Ricky Velez, Beth. You got to know Beth, right? Yeah, Beth. Tour manager Beth. Oh, I love Beth. One of the best. Beth is fucking amazing. Great egg. Yeah. She's cooking Mulaney shit now. Yeah, she works. Yeah, she works. And just that, it's just fun. Like, it's like, oh, shit. You know what I'm saying? We don't need anything else.

Also, I hate the pet peeve currently for me is people with their masks on their mouth. Oh, the nose is out. And they talking to you. You're like, well, just go no mask at that point. It's silly.

It's like wearing your underwear right here, you know? It feels silly to, yeah, go commando. Yeah. What happened to that dude that wore a thong on his face on the plane? He actually got hired by Victoria's Secret. But I saw that. That was funny. Like, that guy's an asshole for so many reasons. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, man. All good peeves. Can I give you guys a rec? Give me a rec. What's a rec? Recommendation. Oh, I thought like a rec, like E-rec, but just a rec. So a rec and E-rec. Here's my rec, man.

it's simple it's easy it's it's you guys a lot of guys it's january you're trying to be healthy right who's not trying to be i mean as i say this i'm guzzling scotch yeah you say this is we're all trying to be a little more healthy in january that's just how it is sure healthy snack that's delicious i don't know if we've done this before we drink every episode uh mark but uh

take some grapes, throw them in the freezer. It's a fucking treat. Oh, my lady does this every night. They're great treats. She loves it. Yeah. They're delicious. It's a good, it's a little cold for me. Oh, I throw them right next to the fetus in my freezer. Frozen grapes? Yeah. What, your medication? Yeah.

You don't like them? I mean. You're vegan. You can get by on that. Maybe I don't like the coke. Can I give a rec? Can I give a rec? Sure. It better be better than this. We'd be honored. I'll wait. If you're talking to someone and you're not sure they got COVID or not, right? Yeah. All you got to do is while they yabba dabba doing, don't inhale.

So like if you're yapping, right? Go ahead, yap. Hey, Will, you look great. And I think it's cool that you're vegan. And also, I see what you're doing. You're not inhaling. Exactly. Yeah, like Bill Clinton. Don't inhale. But what do you do when he talks forever? You got to go, you know, how's that work? Well, then you get up and go, I'll go back. Does that keep you from getting COVID, not inhaling? Well, because you inhale, not, you know what I'm saying? You...

Think of your nose like a vacuum. Yep. It's sucking in the COVID. I think you can still get it without inhaling. Not necessarily. Really? Because it just hovers. Matt, is this true? I assume. How can you get it? If you're not sucking it in your nose, how can it go in? That's why we wear a mask.

Yeah, because you inhale. I know. That's what I'm saying. I'm not saying someone's yapping. I'm not saying you're wrong. I'm just saying I don't know if this is true. I'm just curious. I'm saying someone's yabba-dabba-doing about nothing. You just...

It has made talking to people you don't want to talk to a little more intense. Sure. I'm not even worried really about getting sick. I'm more worried about canceling dates at this point. Yeah. Right. Because Omicron is not really. I thought it was Omicron. Omicron. Sorry. It's not harsh. The symptoms seem to be mild, especially guys like us who are all boosted. If you get vaccinated, the symptoms seem to be boosted. It's more just about like if you test positive, you're not supposed to travel and work.

So you have to isolate. I mean, first off, I think if you're vaccinated, they should reduce that fucking. I think they have reduced it to five days. They have. So that's something. What do you got here? So, Brad, free strangers on the street or when you share. Don't inhale. Well, you're fucking good. I mean, how else would it get in? Huh? How else would it get in? It makes sense. Yeah. See? There you go. So only do anal or doggy style.

Because then you can still fuck and not inhale. I tried anal one time. If you're not breathing in, you dramatically cut down on the risk logically. I mean, hey, this is all about risk, right? Risk reward, folks. Wait, can I tell y'all something? Please. I thought taking anal and giving anal was... I thought giving anal, like you give your ass. Ha ha.

And take it in or you're taking ass. Did you go to prison? No, but doesn't that sound like... It does, yeah. If you didn't know English language... You're interesting, Will, because you're like, in prison, I don't know who you'd be. That's the thing, because you are a boxer. You're tough, but you're also not a huge guy. I mean, you're a lightweight boxer. Easy hammer. What is this hammer thing? Where'd that come from? If you didn't know English and someone said, yo, you want to give anal or you want to take anal? Well,

What would you say? I would say you need to learn English. No, are you on medication? I'm saying if you didn't know English. Yes, I am. If you didn't know English. Alcohol. And someone said you want give brain or take it. What would you say?

I would rather give it. You give your anal? No, I'd rather give my penis. No, I'm saying... He's got a point. He's got a point. Thank you. Because you're like giving up your ass. This is like Carlin in prison. How did giving anal turn...

The other way. He got something here. I think someone did it, came up with it to trick you. Hey, you want to give anal? Yeah, I'll give anal. Yeah, because the girl says, I'll give him some pussy. Yeah. Yeah. I'll give him some anal. Yeah. So how am I wrong?

all right all right well my girlfriend says i'm gonna give him some pussy she actually puts a strap on on you guys do what you have to do you do what you have to do you pegged before uh i haven't have you no i never would you no i wouldn't get i don't even like a a tongue in my asshole really what you told me you did that was the worst time of my life that we fucking bonded buddy would you ever mark take a tongue

Hell yeah, I've taken a tongue. How about a pegging? No, I don't think so. Why don't you put a strap on with a little tongue? Oh, now you're talking. Is it wet? It's a wet tongue, but is that considered pegging? No. And it's a Gene Simmons strap on. That's a big, that's a serious tongue there. Oh, the, oh. Ah, I love this shit. But you know, knowing East New York, you'd take some ox tongue. Is it ox tongue?

Or oxtail. Tail, damn it. But you guys eat tongue? Yeah, cow tongue. Cow tongue. Yeah, that's a Jewish deli thing, too. And Mexicans do. Oh, they do tongue? Jews eat cow tongue? Oh, yeah. Get out of here. Yeah, it's a deli meat thing. I always knew blacks and Jews were similar. We're very similar, bro. There you go. Jon Stewart used to have the great bit as how, you know, Jews, we complain, black people, the blues. Like, we had the idea. You guys put it to music. That was the deal.

John Steely. You wear baseball caps, you wear yarmulkes. There you go. Right? Yeah. But you know, what were we talking about before this? You had the apartments and we rent them. Pegging. Who's benefiting from pegging? The guy. Yeah, the guy. It's your prostate is a male G spot. Just a hint. Now, can two dudes peg?

I don't know. You don't need the strap on. Well, I'm not attracted to men. So I think like the argument is now like, you know, is taking in the ass gay? And the answer is no. Hold on. Taking or giving? I knew it was going there. I walked into that one. I don't see gender. After this, I should say I limped. But I, you know,

No, I do think the whole thing is like there is a homophobia around it, but the male G-spot is in the butthole. Who said? Everybody keeps saying this. Who said this? Who said it? I don't know. Matt, am I wrong? Can we get some data to back me up, please? I've heard that. You milk the prostate. You milk it. Yeah. If you never had it work properly, then I feel sorry for you.

I used to have a bit about this. You get the milk going? I love the milk. Really? What's the milk? What is that? There it is. Just a hint. I go just a hint. What's the get the milk going? I don't know what that means.

milk the prostate in your butthole you're in wild turkey i'm on lagavulin right here really yeah motherfucker get the milk going now let me ask you this you ever had a lady and you go hey can you milk milk me and she goes i don't do that shit no oh wow i don't think i mean i don't know maybe i don't remember that shit but like yeah i mean also if a woman's not into something you just say cool i mean it's like people are not into shit i don't remember who's into what but right right i will say this

Maybe some chicks like it. It is. I mean, I think I'm into getting a woman off. So why wouldn't she be into getting me off? Yeah. I'm more into getting a woman off than getting me off. Really? You're a giver. I freaking get turned on when a woman gets turned on. Same. As do I, but I think I'd like the favor returned. Many times I go to sleep uncombed.

Uncummed? Uncummed. Damn. I think you just say regular. That's not a term? Uncummed? Maybe a pegging is an order.

What? Well, I'm just saying, if you can't get off. I think you probably have to work your way up to that. I think if you've never had a finger in the ass and you just get pegged, you'd be like, this is fucking horrible. No, you missed the point, meaning I enjoy, like, she comes once, twice, three times, and my night is done. I'm good. Well, you're too much. I mean, you're like a busboy in the bedroom. You may as well just fucking call your night out. I mean, here's my thing. You deserve some loving, too, Will. You just call me boy? Ha ha.

And he said he'd take the bus. Is that what we're going to call this episode, Matt? Jesus Christ. I've walked into a few of this episode. I've made a sickle cell joke. I've made all these jokes and he's just going after you. No, he trolls me because Will, here's the thing, Will has trolled me for years and that's part of our friendship. I mean. Maybe because you look like he drove Amistad. That's what he got his turbo deck on.

You do look right. I wore the wrong shirt for this episode. It's heat tech. It keeps you warm. It's freezing. It's 25 degrees outside. Heat tech. I think I went to that school. Heat tech. I went to University of Heat online. You got a bit you're working on? A bit. A joke? A premise? A half-baked idea? Hold on. Let me take a look real quick. All right. All right.

I got too many bits, so I'd rather work on you guys. I've got a few turds right here. I'd rather you guys come than me get off. All right, Will, what do you got? You go first. All right, Sam, you got one? You go first, man. All right, I got a bit idea. Now, this might have been done, so tell me if you've heard this. Please, I feel the same about mine. Okay. You know, you listen to hip-hop, and a lot of rappers...

like claim to be gangsters and it's very mob influenced. You know, it's like Scarface, Gangstar, Mobb Deep, Three Six Mafia. It's very mob heavy. But yet all they do is go on a microphone and snitch. They go, this is who I'm fucking. This is who I'm killing. This is how much money I make. Where a real mobster would never do that. If a real mobster was a rapper, he'd be like, I'm in sanitation. I'm a family man. You're that guy who died on 23rd Street. I don't know anything about that. You know, it'd be the opposite of rap. Yeah.

So that's where I'm at. - Interesting, yeah. - The name of the song would be called "I Don't Know What You're Talking About." - That's good. - Check out my new album, "Waste Management." - Yes, "Waste Management Construction." - Yeah, there's something funny about that, about like really being a gangster, the less you say is gangster. - Right. - I remember listening to Vincent Curatalla on DePaolo's podcast and he played Johnny Sack on "The Sopranos" and he said everyone was yelling in the audition room

for that role, Johnny Sack. And he goes, I'm gonna whisper. Because that's what being a gangster is. Interesting. Being a gangster is real power, so you don't have to yell. Right. So that's kind of what you're saying, right? Interesting, totally. Still water runs deep. There you go. Yeah.

So you think there's something here with this bit? I think it's funny, like Vegas power. Vegas power, yeah. Who am I fucking? It doesn't matter. I've got options. That's the point. I think you should actually come up with two bars real quick. Yeah, I think you're right. That would be funny. I actually wrote some shit down. Yeah, let's hear it. Oh, shit. This is scary. I mean, go all the way out, Hammer. All right, all right.

Rapper, colon, I make stack after stack from selling crack. I'm the richest man in the nation. Mobster says, I make a comfortable living. I'm in sanitation. So I got 20 more bars of that. I do okay. I do okay is funny. I do okay, yeah. Because they're all like, my kids, I'm a family man. They got their goomar. Whereas a rapper's like, I fuck every chick in America, you know? Well, that's the other thing. It's like real gangster shit is like...

Real rich people act like they're poor. Because gangsters are always like... If you hear rap, a lot of it's bravado. So it's like you're selling records by being like, this is how much I have. But...

Look about like rich people are rich people don't tip. Interesting. Like they drive a Prius. They don't tip at all. I heard Puffy doesn't tip at all. Really? Yeah. But I mean, how much money are you saving? Exactly. I've actually heard him once say more money, more problems. Oh, you know, the chorus line could be you ask me what it's about. I tell you, I don't know what you're talking about.

Nothing? Oh, I thought that was a real song. You had me there. I don't know what you're talking about. Yeah. That's funny. All right, all right. That was mine. And I read a rap, so you guys are up. I found out that people who take antidepressant pills, they pee most of it out. Your body just uses very... Most of it goes in your pee, so you pee. Most of it just goes in the ocean, which is perfect because...

You ever see fish? They look all depressed. Right. Fish is just. Yeah. They need more depression, anti-depression pills. That's why they always grab the hook. I'm going to kill myself. Oh, the suicide. Yeah. That's great. I like it. How do you know these fishes are like, just like, you know what? Yo, you know, you're not supposed to bite the hook. Fuck that. I'm out of here. At least their goodbye world comes with a treat. Oh, yeah. The worm. The bait.

We jump off a roof. They get a fucking cookie on the way out. Yeah, you jump on your worm. They eat the worm. Oh, maybe when you know some people catch and release, they throw them back. The fish is like, what the fuck? I got out. I was trying to kill myself. It's like when you take pills and they pump your stomach. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, what? That's funny, dude. That's something. That's funny. All right. I'm trying to think of some fish names. Salmon, trout, flounder, catfish. What are any funny names that sound sad?

I think throwing back is funny. I mean, you're like, finally, I'm out of this fucking cesspool. And then they throw you back and you're like, well, now I'm back with a scar, I guess. Right. All the fishes, I thought you was out of here. Yeah. A lot of people, too, when they kill themselves, they go walk into the ocean.

So they're like, I got to be amongst my sad people. I got to be around the fish. The fish is depressed. Imagine they get thrown back. You got rejected. Like he's more depressed. Even people don't want me. Right. Right. Ooh, that's, that's funny. Patrice said that great bit about like, no one cares if you kill fish cause they have no eyebrows, you know? So there's like, so they don't look sad, but you kill a, you know, a cow and he's like, that's his bit. Not mine.

I like that. That's good. Sam, what you got? I got a few ideas. Let me try this on you. This one was like, just make sure this hasn't been done. I was talking to a guy and he was saying some like kind of anti-trans shit to me. And I was kind of like, you're Scottish. Your whole history is dudes in kilts. Oh, I like that. Have you heard that? Just dudes in kilts. Like, he's like, you guys disgust me. And he goes, oh, this? It's my grandfather's right here. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

- Yeah, right. - Is that something there? - Yeah, there's something there for sure. - Something about anti-trans, but it's like, you're the manliest men, the Scots. You wear dresses.

Let's calm down. Yeah. I grew up with this guy who was super racist, hated black people. Wait, what's super racist versus regular racist? I'm talking, I'm regular. I mean, he was like, N-word this, N-word that, they shouldn't be allowed here. You know, like all in. But he loved sports. And I'm like, that's all black people. It's all NBA, NFL, it's all black. Well, technically... Yeah, what are you into, cricket? Cricket?

Yeah, right. Hockey? Technically, because they look at us as sing, dance for us, entertain us. So they don't look at sports as like, they look at it as like, yeah, good. Just like the Romans, right? Who they used to send in the pit to fight the slaves. Yeah. The peasants. They sent in their cousins, their uncles. Right, right. That's it. I never thought about that. All right. You got something there. But like, how can you be a racist and then tap your foot to Michael Jackson? Shouldn't you be like, I hate this fucking guy? Again, back to the-

entertainer entertainer no entertain us but i think it's funny that historically like you have the most effeminate man costume yes and you're like we don't accept men who dress like women well you do that yeah it's dead on i mean it's you such a guy you dress like women right i like it i like it i'm trying to think where to go with it then the scots are actually the worst trans people because they don't they got the hairy legs they got the beard they don't go all the way

Well, I'm just saying they're like, at least trans people go all in. They get the surgery. They go, they take the pills. Scott, we were like, you made me look at your legs, at least fucking wax them. Yes. Right. They don't wear underwear under those either, by the way. Oh yeah. Yeah. The kilts. You took a peek. Oh yeah. You better believe it. I got another one. Hit me. Um, you are watching news. They, they like, they're like, uh, crime, crime is up compared to 2020. I'm like,

No one was out in 2020. That's great. They always comparing crime or whatever to 2020. Yeah. All of 2021, they was doing that. Right. Traffic is up compared to 2020. Yeah, everyone's inside. Yeah. With crime, I think a lot of the time they don't get the data until much later because cases are kind of tried and stuff like that. True. But it's also hilarious that we've been in a pandemic. Yeah.

And you're like this. We compare it to this other time. And you're like, all right, but we haven't lived in a long time. Yeah. Yeah. Everything's up. The only thing that's not up is, I guess, staying indoors. Yeah. Another thing is like when we was not, you know, driving around, how can they fix the votes when nobody was in the votes? Good point.

I guess they didn't want to be around other people fixing shit. No, they were doing. They were still. I'm not sure you guys went out during 2020. They were still there, but they didn't, you know, that was a perfect time to fix the votes. Yeah, totally. Fix everything. Yeah. All that construction shit. Yeah. Why wasn't that taken care of? De Blasio. You don't like him? No, I ain't like him. Well, he's gone. We got Mayor Adams now. You like De Blasio? No, no one did. Like Cuomo? No.

- He was a Cuomo sexual. - I didn't like his politics, but I liked what he did off the field. - It's like Cosby's later work. - No, I'm a big anti-De Blasio guy. Cuomo's obviously a horror show. He's a liberal Trump. - When you compliment a girl, you go, "Hey, I like your hair, no Cuomo." Nothing too soon? - No, I mean, let's see what Adams does. Even if he's bad, I'm excited to get a new bad.

There you go. What did de Blasio do that was bad bad? Like what was the top three bad things he did? I don't know much about politics. That's not politics. That's like you're living in. I think a lot of being a politician is, for me, a lot of being a politician is being a leader and uniting people. And I think he was as bad as it gets. He's deadly divided. I mean, when you stand for nothing,

you have nothing. So I think he alienated cops. I think he alienated liberals. I think he alienated conservatives. So it's like, no one, when no one likes you, no one comes together about you. Like say what you want about Bloomberg, who I wasn't like a huge Bloomberg guy either, but like he at least made an effort to, to connect to people. I think, I think Bloomberg, I mean, I think de Blasio lacked a connection to the working class, to the elite, to everyone in New York. And when you do that,

you kind of bring together no one. And I think it really was like the nail in the coffin when he was just like dancing on New Year's Eve with his wife. And I'm like, this has been a horrible year. You can't be out celebrating, dude. You mean how like, what's that guy? Is it Chris Christie was on the beach when they shut the beach down? And him and his family was on the beach? Yeah. And he was scaring away all the kids. They thought it was a whale. But no, I mean, so de Blasio, I think,

Literally everyone is saying good riddance. I think he's been horrible. I think he's been out for power rather than, you know, it's similar to Giuliani where New Yorkers like Giuliani a lot after 9-11 because of what he did. But then it was all about a power grab and running for president and speaking engagements and money. And you're like, well, you don't, I know we all know you don't care about us, but you got to at least fake it a little better than de Blasio did. Right. How I feel. Well said. Hmm.

What do you think? I mean, the blouse. I mean, most of these politicians is like, especially in the U.S., you never hear any good

I'm sure there's good ones, don't get me wrong, but I think there's so many people that everybody had their own opinions, so we're so divided. - Yeah, yeah. - So there'll never be anybody. I mean, look, Wiener, you guys remember Wiener? - Yeah, I sent him a photo. - He sent me one, it was terrible. I mean, it's amazing how like when he was running, right?

And then he got caught with his dick out. By the way, he denied it. I know, I know. He was on some show and they, I think it was, what's his name? Larry King. Uh-huh. And like, is that your penis? No, that's not my penis. By the way, he had a great body. Yeah. Like politician, that's a stressful job to be as fit as he was or like. Ripped. Good job. And a good dick, by the way. Was it? Solid dick. I remember the physique being like, not bad. Pull up the dick. But check this out. He,

He denied it, then made it last. By the way, when you get caught, just admit it so it could just end quickly. Yeah. And then they found out it was his dick, and then he was trashed for a year. His poor wife, too. I know. He dragged her through. That's a solid dong there. For a year. We're going to have to believe a lot of this, Matt. I mean, we've given Matt so much worth this week. I'm sorry. Sorry, Matt. I apologize. You can bleep.

Yeah. He's like, he looks better than what was, who was the other guy that was? The Bezos. The Bezos. Yeah. I know, but that's one of those bodies where you're like, you don't expect it either. Cause he looks like kind of a scrawny dweeb. Right. Neck. And then you're like, shit, he's ripped. Oh yeah. But then look, uh,

A year later, he apologized, blah, blah, blah. And then he got more support second time around. Really? We love to forgive people. He sent another dick pic out with his baby in the back for perspective. There was a documentary on Wiener that's great, actually. Really? It's terrific. I think it's called Gay Porn. Yeah, it is. It was great. But no, there's a doc called Wiener. And it's really, really good. And I do think there is something about Americans. We love...

to drag people down. A comeback. We also love a comeback story, right, Will? Come on back. But...

And you know, the thing is he fucked up for a second time way too soon. You can't do it that soon when people bring you back. New Yorkers are forgiving people. Yeah. We'll fuck you over. Yeah, but he fucked up doing the same thing. No, no, no. I know. I think a lot of people are like, dude, we just let you back in. Right. Like that is, and I'll say this too, like.

Weiner, if you watch those debates, he fucking buried DeBlasio. Really? Oh, yeah. Weiner is... Dude, he was on his way to be the next... He was a great... Really? He was a great... I mean, dude, he's like from the Clinton school of charm where he knew... You don't rise like this if you don't know what you're doing. He was...

Like New York mayor is a big gig. Oh, yeah. Politically, because New York's a big state. I mean, yeah. Of course. Like everyone knows who Gavin Newsom is because California is a big state. If you're in a big state, people know who the fuck you are. You're a heavy hitter. So it is a stepping point to, A, big speaking gigs, book deal, big money, or governor, senator, whatever the fuck you want to do.

So when he fucked this up, I think it was kind of like, oh, you've got a sickness, dude. Or maybe he was trying to give us a hint. If I become mayor, I'm going to fuck this town. Nothing? Too soon? Sorry, man. Will, give us gigs to plug, man. Where are you going to be? I'm touring with the Zs. I'm not sure when this show is airing. Next week. I'm touring with the Zs. We're going to Chicago, Oakland, San Francisco, Dallas.

DC, New York City. Nice. Now, let me ask you an awkward question. I'll be at the Comedy Cellar, by the way. Always at the Comedy Cellar. New Joke Night. I'm going to start my show on Wednesdays with Cypher Sounds. You started New Joke Night at the Cellar, which is where comics, we all get up and we get the fuck around. New Joke Night. So you're on the New Joke Night every Monday, 830 at Comedy Cellar. It was because comics, I felt like when I created it, I felt like the Cellar, like you're always doing your scripted shit because you want to kill. Yeah.

You're following some amazing comedians, so everybody's just killing. So I just wanted to create a space where we could just be a comedian. Yes. Work out. Yeah, put the script down and just try some jokes, but with a crowd. Yes. Like what we just did just now a few minutes ago with the jokes, but with a crowd there letting us know. Totally. And I'll come and yabba-dabba-doo with y'all and try to get some more of these jokes. Hell yeah. All right.

All right, and you got chemistry set. I got chemistry set with Syphilis Sounds on Wednesdays. That's a hot show. 10.30, it's a dope show. Dope show. I've had some good sets there and some bad sets. I remember the bad set. You'll be killing. I always appreciate when you put me on a new jokes, man, because it really helps. It's great to have shows at the comedy cellar that encourage new material. Yes. Sometimes...

even guys who've been there for a long time, we feel pressure. You got to bring it. Yeah, to bring new material or to bring the heat rather. You don't like to yabba dabba do with me a lot. I don't? Yeah. Mark goes in. I love it. I do. I think I've gotten better about it. You've always been better. What do you mean?

Oh, you, oh. You've never been bad. What do you mean? Oh, I just, yeah, I get a little, yeah, I'll be better about it. I apologize. You're like, I gotta go. Like, oh, shit. Because my, just to clear the air, when I be yabba dabba doing with y'all, it's not about attacking y'all. No.

I take the joke that you said and I'm like, yeah, let's try to create some more stuff. Yes. I love it. No, no, I'm sorry, but I feel like a lot of the time I do stay and talk with you. Sometimes I've been, I get a bad idea. Is it because of the black thing? You don't want to be around blacks? I'm a racist. I knew it. No, it's that sometimes I have another spot or something. No, if I can stay, I want to stay.

He told me something about gorillas. I don't know. You don't want to stay at the zoo. That's what he calls your shows. The jungle. Yeah. All right. We love you, buddy. The Comedy Cellar, Wednesdays and Mondays and every night, Bob. Now, here's the awkward question. How about an album? How about a special? We'll put the fucker on YouTube. We'll produce it. Oh, yeah. All right. Let's make it happen. All right. Would you really put something out? Yeah. All right. Sounds good.

You got 18 hours of material. I got, yeah, I got a lot of it. I mean, 11 of it, it's good, but you got time. All right, what are you going to do? Where are you going to be? I got everything. When does this come out?

Not this Sunday, but the next. So, yeah, Richmond, Virginia, Timonium, Maryland. It's a Baltimore area. Hartford, Connecticut, Sacramento, Columbus, West Palm, Orlando, the Beacon Theater in New York City, baby. Hell yeah. Toronto. More dates coming. We got more we're announcing. I can't announce some of it yet, but I can't wait. Speaking of Virginia, you heard about the traffic shut down because of the snowstorm?

No. There's cars that have been on the road for 24 hours. What? Just sitting in their car in traffic. I didn't even know it snowed there. Yeah. Is that global warming or what's going on there? I'm not sure it was Richmond, but it's in Virginia and they're in D.C. Syracuse, New York, Kansas City, Omaha, Nebraska, Columbus, Ohio, twice. I got to get a new...

Website lady. La Jolla, California. Tampa, Florida. Syracuse. I said that. All over the road. Des Moines this weekend. So yeah, come on out. Who opened up for you? I use a couple guys. Ian Lara every now and then. Sean Murphy. A guy from D.C. Chris Allen. Chris Allen. He'll be there in Columbus. Who opened up for you?

Where? Are you on medication, not paying attention? On the road, it's usually Gary Veeder, sometimes Dina Hashim. Oh, Dina Hashim, she's funny. Very funny. Whatever happened to her? All right. We got to wrap this thing up. You guys are great. Thanks a lot. Thank you, Will Silvins. We love you. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

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