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We might be drunk, we might be drunk As long as we are hanging out, you know we might be drunk Raise a glass, let's talk shit, pep heaps, wrecks and a bit Maybe drunk, we might be drunk, yeah
Hey, hey, folks. Here we are. We might be drunk. Gonna be back in studio. It's a new year, a new queer, and we're here. How the hell are you, Fetty? I want a beer. Yeah. Trying to keep the rhyme going. We got the beer juice. I'm good, man. Yeah, how you doing? Good, good. I'm feeling fresh. I showered. It's not that cold today. I'm back. It's nice out. It's nice. I bought a new shirt. Look at that. That's all right. What do you think? Too tight? It's a little tight. Ah, I knew it. I mean, it's just...
Maybe it works. What do you think? I think he's getting fatter. All right, that I can change. That I can change. But I bought this shirt in Des Moines, so I can't return it. Yeah. Damn, it's a little tight. Fuck. Where'd you go? I went to the mall. It was nothing to do with- Which store in the mall, though? Express for Men had a 60% off sale. I knew there was a catch. Ah!
I would never go into Express for men. Mark wants to be a Jew so badly he only shops at discounts. That's true. Yeah. I mean, I stole it. You know what's funny? I believe him. Yeah. It's a joke for the Bob, but I could see him doing it. I stole one and bought one. Did you really? Yeah, yeah. You stole a shirt? Yeah. How did you steal it? How did you get it out of the store? I wore it. I put it on, ripped the tags off. There was no sensor. By the way, I don't know if you saw it.
By the way, ripping the tags off shows like you intentionally did it. Well, you think you did it by accident? No, I'm saying you can no longer walk out and be like, oh, I forgot. Oh, I forgot I was wearing it. I forgot I ripped the tags off. Well, I wouldn't let them see the tags. No, if they catch you, you can no longer say, oh, it was an accident. Sure, sure. But if they caught me, it would go beep, beep, beep. And I'd go, oh, shit, sorry.
It is funny that Mark, he's getting a little better because he's only stealing from sales. Yes. You can tell he's working. He's not stealing from Banana Republic. He's stealing from Express for Men 60% off. It's progress. Thank you. 100% off. Five-figure disc. But my biggest accomplishment was I did Conan one night. I needed a nice shirt. Went to the mall in LA. Put a shirt on. Wore it on Conan with the buzzer on it.
Wow. I went around Conan going, can anybody crack this code and get this thing off of there? And they're like, what are you doing? No, we have classy celebrities on the show usually who don't steal their clothes. Exactly. But did it with the sensor on. You were reckless to steal the day of a late night. Like, if he gets arrested, they have to get a different guest. That's a good point. I didn't think about that. Well, what, did you get a slap on the wrist? They're like, it's okay, the first guest is Winona Ryder. Nothing will go wrong here. Yeah.
You don't go to jail for that, do you?
I don't know. One shirt? Probably not. Probably not, but... It's not Grand Theft Auto here. I did kill a prostitute. That's true. What are we drinking, Beer Jew? Today we're drinking gin gimlets, as Mark requested. Wow. We're going to soften them up a little bit with a little bit of St. Germain. And that's it. Just sweeten them up a little bit. Sometimes you sweeten them up with... So it's St. Germain gin and lime juice? Yeah, basically.
That's all a gimlet is? A gimlet really is just gin or vodka and lime juice, and that's it. But I'm going to soften up for you guys just this one time. Oh, boy. Thanks. Boy, with that shirt, who's running the surf shop? You know who he looks like? He looks like Spider-Man if he was on the Jersey Shore. No, it's time for more of the movie. That's it. Yeah. I don't think I've got enough, you know.
It's killing it. Screen time and that's it. That movie is – that's like – I love how people are like it saved cinema but it's like only for superhero movies. Yeah. It's not like people are running to the movie to see Belfast. Yeah.
Or Macbeth. Yeah, I saw it. There you go. I want to see Belfast. Spider-Man is Tom Holland now? It's all three of them this time. What? Yeah, they did like a thing where all three of them are in it. Jeez, I can't keep up. There's too many. There's a universe, a metaverse. Hey. Cheers. Hey, hey. Kim. Cheers. Never had a gimlet. This is what I used to order when I was underage because I thought they wouldn't card me.
So I say, can I have a gin gimlet? They'd be like, well, surely he's over 40. Right. Like 17. Oh, boy, that's tasty. It's like a white man's margarita. This is a margarita for people who own slaves. There you go. That's pretty much on the mark, yeah.
This is good. Is this an old lady drink? Is that what you're saying? Gimlets? Gimlets are almost exclusively an old white lady with pearls drink. Is that right? For sure. Absolutely. Damn. They want an ice cold gimlet up. And if you put anything except gin and lime in there, they're going to yell at you and probably find the manager. So they should call this a Karen on the rocks. We'll go to the Carlisle after this and we'll hopefully get picked up by a strong man. Yes.
That's I'm going to Baron. A gentleman caller. Yeah, there you go. My wife's Baron. All right. Baron Davis. All right. Baron Vaughn.
He's on everything, that guy. He's on shows now. He's on every TV show. Frankie and Shirley? What is it called? Grace and Frankie. Grace and Frankie, yeah, yeah. Lily Tomlin, Jane Fonda. Lily Tomlin's still going. Jane Fonda's still going. I love Lily Tomlin. Yeah, she's great. I grew up with Lily Tomlin in that big rocking chair laugh-in.
All right. I never watched it. It was big. The reruns played when I was a kid, but Jane Fonda still fuckable. Would you? Oh, yeah. Are you kidding? I want to break her in half. It'd be so easy. I don't think that'll take. Yeah. You breathe on her a little hard. Yeah, shit. I mean, I can't. I feel like if you undo her blouse, her whole body falls apart. But she's still hanging in. I mean, she's got to be what's.
600? How old is she? Let's see. Gotta be 80. I bet more. Really? I mean, she was literally in Vietnam, so let's see. What? Yeah, she was in Vietnam. What do you mean, in Vietnam? She went there and advocated for the enemy. Do you remember this? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hanoi Jane?
Nothing? Oh, oh, oh, the movie. No, she went to Vietnam and went to the other side and said, Americans should stop bombing you people. And she was sitting there on a, what are those things called? Those big anti-aircraft guns? Yeah. Let me just bring it up for you. Damn. They were probably like, you people? What the hell? There she is. Damn. Wow. I knew she was an activist. I didn't know this. There she is in Vietnam on the other side.
Saying stop the war. How do you like that? Wow. She didn't live this down for like two decades. Really? Until like the 80s, until the Jazzercise stuff. She didn't really live it down. She married Ted Turner, right? That's right. Damn. I like how she does it. She's not just tweeting. She's like, I'll go there and I'll sit on a plane. Yeah.
The new Jane Fonda is just going to be like, I retweeted something. Exactly. That's it. Hey, man, great Lily Tomlin movie, Steve Martin, All of Me. You ever see that one? No, I don't know it. It's a good flick. Lily Tomlin is great. She's great. So funny. Been funny for years. Friends with Pryor. Yeah, he was in love with her. Is that right? Yeah, but she was gay. Big lesbians. Is gay. Yeah.
Wait, how old's Fonda? We never got it. Born in 37. I can't do the math. Sounds like 85. Wow. I don't know. Anyone want to do math there? Beard Jew? 84. Jane Fonda's 84. So we found Mark's high number. There you go. 84. That's, you know. I would do it. You would? Oh, yeah. I'd bring her a Metamucil and a nice plowing. Does Tinder go that high?
Yeah, we'd have dinner at 4 p.m. and make love. You'd get out for your spots in time? Yeah, and she'd probably have a gimlet. Man, these do go down pretty easy, man. They're too easy. These old ladies are on to something. Ted Turner, huh? He's the Superstation. Yeah, yeah. TBS. TBS. Yeah. Good for him. Yeah.
Is he still alive? No way, right? I think so. I think he also owned the Braves. Yeah, he did. Wow. He's a big Republican, isn't he? Oh, yeah. That was the whole thing, I think. So what the hell? She's all fighting the Vietnam War, and then she's- He says he's still alive. Born in 38. Wow. Wow, look at that. He's hanging in there. He was hitting that older woman. Well, they're the same age, right? She was born in 37. There you go. Ooh. Ooh.
Everyone talks about power move dating younger. I think a real power move is dating older. Interesting. Who's done that? I don't know. Pete Davidson? He has. A few times. Kate, what's her name? Beckinsale? Yeah. Doesn't get much hotter than that. Good for him. Pull her up just to get the needle moving.
It's not the only thing moving. She's 48. 48. I tell you, I mean, 40 is the new 30 or whatever they say, but it's true.
Well, for her. Yeah, true. I love him. I've had that thought where I'm like, man, I hope I age like, you know, some of these actors. And you're like, they look different at my age. Yeah. You know, you see like Clooney now. You're like, well, maybe I'll age like that. And you're like, look at Clooney at 35. He looks fucking good. He's amazing. Full head of hair, in shape, good skin, nice suit on. You never see Clooney in like a bathrobe.
Although he'd probably have a nice bathrobe. He'd probably look good in that too. How do you guys feel about a bathrobe? Do you guys own a bathrobe? I don't. All the things you've stolen, it's never been a bathrobe? I guess you're right. I never put it on. It's not me. Really? Well, I'll throw it on in a hotel or something. But you put one on, you just... I used to have that old joke. A bathrobe is the weirdest piece of clothing because it's either a mental patient or Hugh Hefner. There's not much in the middle.
Yeah, that's true. You know, it's kingpin. And they're wearing it for different reasons. Yeah, yeah. Hugh Hefner's just like, I'm going to fuck every three hours. Right. That's why he's wearing the... Do you wear one?
I have one. I don't really wear it. You see? I got it during the pandemic. During the pandemic, you start buying shit you don't really need. Oh, yeah. But you're just like, yeah, shit. I've never been on Etsy. Like, I'll give it a shot. Oh, you had that nice one. Yeah, it looks cool. It looks great. That's like a Hefner smoker's jacket. Totally. It's badass. See, my dad wore this shitty blue and looked like an old towel, and it scarred me because he crossed his legs. It was like basic instant. It was like, oh, God.
No underwear, huge balls, hairy. It was wild. You're like Wayne Knight. You're sweating, but for a different reason. Yeah, yeah. He had black socks up to here with the balls out. Was Basic Instinct a good movie?
I think it was pretty good for a thriller. Yeah, I just remember jacking off to it as a child, so I don't remember if it was good or not. But I remember it wasn't just Sharon Stone. It was Gene Triplehorn, too. Oh, that's right. Look at you bringing in the B-Squad. Well, you've got to remember if you have a history. Oh, Triplehorn was my Jewish slur. That's right. Now I remember Triple. Oh.
I really am Mark's Jewish friend that lets him get away with this shit. I'm like, I wonder why Mark wants to do a podcast with me. Then he says that. I'm like, ah, all right. No, no. I'm fucking around. The Jewish thing actually held me back. What's that guy's... What's the anti-defamation league? When you make a Jewish joke, they come after you? They came after Che for a while. He did a Jewish joke, but...
They're going to come after you for letting me. I don't think they'll even touch me. I remember Jay's joke. I didn't find it offensive. I didn't either. Although we're not the right people. But also, we kind of are. What was the joke? It was something about Israel, but it was kind of like, you know what? Stereotype joke. Yeah, who gives a shit? It's like one of those things where you're like,
Like, maybe we're not the right people to talk to of offensive jokes because we don't get offended that easily. But also, like, then maybe we are the right people because it's what we do. Interesting. Like, we are decent at walking that line. Yeah. You got to walk the line. Everybody's mad about something. That's the thing. Everybody goes, I have a great sense of humor, blah, blah, blah. But everybody's a snowflake about one topic. Sure. And you kind of just like, well, just get through this one and then we'll be fine. Exactly. I mean, it's...
These people that get offended, you're like, well, how many 9-11 jokes have you landed? Landed might be the wrong word. Wrong word. But I hear you. That's a good point. Well, yeah. But I mean, you know...
They're like, well, these jokes are easy. And you're like, eh, not really. Yeah. I did a show in Philly last night. It was all white and there was one black guy. And I did a black joke and I was killing. And it got like a, oh, and the black guy was laughing. And I was like, was that joke okay, sir? He goes, as long as it's funny. Yeah. Which was nice of him to do. I think you got to cut out the N word, but otherwise the joke is good. Otherwise it's a good joke. It was still funny. No. But yeah, he was cool with it. And yeah.
And it's just weird because, I don't know, I have this whole thing where we talk about equality, but I do a Jew joke and it gets a huge laugh. Like super anti-Semitic joke, it's a laugh. But the black jokes get like a, ugh. And I'm like, what about equality? Well, I think those people would say the Jews have had an easier time in America. That's what it is. I think that's what it is. The Holocaust wasn't here. I think that's what it comes down to. I was about to say it was overseas, but that sounds too glamorous. Yeah.
That was overseas. Right. Yeah, you know, I think that's what it comes down to to people. But also, here's the other thing is I think in private, I think people are very comfortable being anti-Semitic now in the last couple years. So I do think that plays a role in it. Yeah, I think you're right. And do you think jokes help facilitate that? I think sometimes you're getting bloodlust and you don't realize it. What is that? I think that means that some people are laughing for the right reason and some people are laughing for the wrong reason.
I see. My opinion. I don't know. I mean, who knows? I think most audiences are smart enough to, like, I think very few people think that they're racist or anti-Semitic. Yeah. You know, I think very few people will be like, oh, yeah, I'm racist. Yeah. Even the KKK is probably like, no, I just, you know, I prefer white people. Yeah.
They probably look at it like, they don't think it's like hateful. They're probably like, yeah, it's just how I feel. Right, right. I prefer ice cream to custard. I don't hate custard. I just prefer ice cream. That's how they feel about, you know, whites and blacks. Well, they probably, that's like the new like woke KKK guy. He's in therapy. He's like, no, I just feel like I don't like other races. That's how I feel. Yeah, you can't tell me how to feel.
You can't argue with my feelings. I remember Mark did a show. This is last year. And you were like, how about them Jews? And some guy yelled out, fuck them. Oh, yeah, that was in Philly. Was it? Yeah. And then they threw the guy out. And then Mark saw him after the show. And the guy's like, I don't know why I said that. Like, I love Jews. My girlfriend's Jewish. His girlfriend was Jewish.
Isn't that fascinating? He just went there. Maybe he was just mad at his girlfriend. It is weird. I remember like – that's the thing though. It's like when Mark does a racial joke or I do a joke that's like teetering on the edge of something, it is like a sign of trust. I don't know if you guys saw the Penn Jillette article on Bob Saget in the New York Times. No. He wrote a really moving article about his friend like how I guess his kids saw Bob Saget and they were like –
Like, this guy's making pedophilia jokes. That's, like, not cool. And Ben Jolette's like... But he did it as, like, a sign of trust with an audience. Like, the way he told a joke like that, it was because he was being like,
Trust me. Trust you. We can go here together. Yeah. So I think that's kind of a nice way to talk about a joke like that where you're like, well, this is a sign of trust. Yes. What is it about jokes that bother people so much? Because you can do a movie about pedophilia or even a documentary about pedophilia. These are real pedophiles and you're watching them and almost relating to them maybe. Because we're all looking for the same response. We're looking for a laugh. Like a movie. They make a movie about pedophilia. People can be like, well, that's disgusting.
They'd be like, he's making art about how disgusting this is. Right. A movie about slavery is different because people will watch. Although, do we need any more slavery movies? Nah, I think we got it. I think we got it. Yeah. I think we got it. I remember I saw 12 Years a Slave and I went to the comedy cellar and I was with Colin Quinn and Keith Robinson and Keith goes, have you seen it? I go, oh yeah, it was great. And he goes, go fuck yourself. Ha ha ha.
He's like, I don't want to hear a white guy say it was great. I was like, all right, fair enough. You got to love Keith. I went to see 12 Years a Slave with a black friend, which was brutal, by the way. And he's like, you liking this? And I was like, I kind of want to leave, but I feel like I can't. He goes, well, now you know how the slaves feel. It's like, touche. I saw it in one of those movie theaters where the seats recline.
I've never felt more guilty in my life. You don't want to be comfortable for that type of movie. Yeah, yeah. And you're like, are these seats cotton? Shit. All right. Yeah. Yeah. So you think it's because I'm making... You're making a joke. You're making humor out of this horrible thing instead of just all agreeing it's horrible. I think the people that get upset... Like, here's the thing. When people get upset by a joke, it's kind of like, well...
Maybe that's good because it means that people are taking stand-up seriously as an art form because that's what people get upset by a lot of the time. But at the same time, do people get mad at a de Kooning painting? It's of a vagina, clearly, or something. Do people get mad about that shit? But they get mad about jokes. They get mad about jokes, yeah. I guess people do get mad at Tarantino, though. Yeah, I guess so. I think people got mad at him for saying the N-word.
It was a weird scene. That was a weird scene, yeah. But I mean, I love Tarantino. I do too. But also you can look at a comedian and go, fuck you. Tarantino, there's a lot of layers between you and him. That's my point is like,
It's more objective isn't the right word, but it kind of it can give it's a more objective response for people. Yeah. Yeah. Feed that. I always saw it as comics are out there giving their opinion, whether you think so or not. That's the way our viewers we look at you is like, oh, they're out there telling us their philosophy and their opinions.
And when someone tells a racist joke, you're like, that's how you really feel. That's not how you feel. Also, to go off what you're saying, a character versus like, absolutely. They buy that, you know, when Tarantino is saying that he's playing a character. Right. And if we were to say something fucked up, they're like, well, that's you. But it's a heightened version of us, obviously. Right. Yeah. But also it's like, yeah, the pedophilia is so horrific, so horrible that.
obviously I'm joking. Yeah. You know, it's like when we say, Oh, whatever you guys have made a black joke. You're like, well, the N word was probably a bad idea. And then we all laugh because obviously I didn't say the N word. Right. So that's the weird thing. Like the joke is how crazy it is. Yeah. You know, that's like when Bob Saget's like, well, I fuck kids and everybody laughs. We all know. Okay. He probably doesn't. That's why it's funny. Yeah. I mean, it's like pedophilia. It's disgusting. It's horrible. It's the only way I can get hard. I mean, it's unacceptable. Exactly. That's comedy.
All right. But yeah, I mean, I feel like we haven't all been in a room in a minute. It's kind of nice. Very nice. This has been... I mean, the thing about COVID right now is like, we probably all had it and we don't know it, but...
What sucks is that the symptoms are just being a Jew. It's like upset stomach, tired, achy. I'm like, this is how I feel every day of my life. Paying retail. If the CDC throws up complaining, I'm in deep shit. One of the symptoms is achy, cold. Soup's not warm. Yeah.
I'm like, holy, did you just send back your food? You're like, get a test. This is bad. Yeah. We went to a Jewish deli not too long ago and it felt like that. We were like,
Some guy sat next to us and he's like, I don't want to sit next to this guy. We're too close. And we got jewier. Yeah. It does make you complain more. Yeah. But also you feel comfortable complaining at like a Second Avenue deli or Cats' Deli type because you're like, they've heard it all before. Let's be real. Exactly. That's so true. You're amongst your people. They understand. Can I give a weird rec? Please. Because this is...
So this is a wreck where like, this is a kind of a throwback wreck, but like we were spoiled. Like I guess Matt, like a few years older than us, but like we kind of grew up on the same shit. The nineties were such, we were so spoiled with comedy movies. Oh yeah. And you get movies now.
There's not a lot of great comedy movies. More like Hollywood won't green light comedies, really, because I don't think it really makes a lot of money. We could do a comedy or we could do a spinoff for every character in the Marvel Universe. We're good. Exactly. You know, so. Comedies used to make money in DVD sales.
Oh, is that right? And now there are no DVD sales. Right. So they don't green light comedies much anymore. Interesting. Well, a lot of comedies from the 90s blew up. You're right, on VHS. Like Austin Powers, I don't think blew up in the theater. I think that was like, a lot of those are to word of mouth. Yeah. Half-baked too. Half-baked. Bombed in the theaters. Huge cult classic amongst. I loved it. I had it too. I bought it. Oh yeah. Saget. Saget. Oh.
Oh, that's right. I used to suck dick for coke. Yes. Classic. Also, you know, we had like, you know, Eddie Murphy was like in the 90s, more 80s, where it really popped up. But he had some great 90s flicks. But then you got like Sandler, Jim Carrey. Here's my wreck.
rewatch some Chris Tucker performances. Oh. Because that dude is, he is one of the funniest dudes. Oh, yeah. So. He steals everything he's in. Steals. And like, all right. So, the good thing about having a girlfriend that's a little younger than you is you kind of, she missed out on some of this shit. So I'm like, all right. So I tell Taylor, I'm like, why don't we watch
We're on vacation. We just saw 22 Jump Street on TV. So I was like, let's watch Rush Hour. Yes. Because you like these types of movies, like funny buddy comedy. You've never seen Rush Hour. It's fun. And I feel like that's a good. Oh, yeah. But that's an easy way to get someone into Chris Tucker's, like the mainstream one. Yeah. And it's fucking hilarious. So funny. Jackie Chan fucking rules. Rules. They were such a great yin and yang movie.
Not the movie. But they were such a great pair, and they were so odd-couple-y. And the cop thing, the buddy cop movie. I mean, it's basically, what is it called? 48 hours, but with an Asian guy. Yeah. It's brilliant.
Oh, dude, you know what it is, too? I remember, by the way, Colin Quinn had a joke on Weekend Update back in the day about Tiger Woods winning the PGA Tour, and he was like, Tiger Woods wins the PGA Tour, making him the best black and Asian combination since Rush Hour. CQ. It has the great combination of action,
Like that kung fu kind of action shit with black humor. I mean, that's great. It's so true. Chris Tucker is so. And then you know what I love about the movie, too, is the credits are hilarious because it's them fucking up. It's Jackie Chan fucking up a stunt. You're like, this is insane. It's Chris Tucker just continually fucking up lines. Apparently he can't read well.
Which one? Oh, Chris. Oh, okay. And he doesn't study his lines. Which one do you think? Jackie Chan learned another language. Well, that's what I thought. I was like, oh, he must be talking about Jackie Chan. And so he doesn't study his lines, and he sort of just picks it up line by line as he goes. Oh, wow. Dude, he's so funny. Yeah, and that's why there's so many bloopers. Like the gefilte fish? Like the gefilte...
He kept calling it Filter Fish. Dude, he's so funny in the movie. And Rush Hour 2 is solid, too. And then also, dude, Money Talks. Oh, yeah. Friday. You know, Friday is good. I mean, he stole Friday. Friday is all him. Damn!
I know that movie so well. But dude, Money Talks, I was rereading. I was like, let me... I'll reread Roger Ebert's reviews because his writing is so good. And he had a funny thing about... First off, he's praising Chris Tucker. He's like, look, this movie makes no sense. He talks about this one scene where I guess he's Russian...
These Russian terrorists want to break their guy out of prison. So they they make the bus explode. And he's like, this makes no sense because you're like, this would kill everyone. Yeah. Like, how are you just positive that your one guy would get out? Explode the bus and like the one guy and Chris Tucker make it out. Right. So but like, dude, it's so funny.
Oh, he's also in Fifth Element. He's like a crazy character in Fifth Element. Jackie Brown, too. That's right. That's right. He I mean, Friday, he kind of had like a breakout because he was a comic and then they put him in Friday and he was equally as funny. He still has the best Michael Jackson Def Jam performance because everybody did. Michael Jackson was like a staple with the Def Jam guys. And he has the best one.
He kills that. There's a scene in Rush Hour 2 where he's doing karaoke. He sees a guy butchering Michael Jackson. So he just starts. He's like, oh, come on. And it just cuts. And, like, of course, Jackie Chan's like, keep a low profile. There are triads here. And he's like, you got it. Next scene, he's like, jam on. And everyone. Wait, this is too new. You got to go to Rush Hour 2, Chris Tucker doing karaoke because he does Michael Jackson. I love when a guy does a good bit. So they just shoehorn it into the movie.
That's not it? That's newer. He's doing Michael when he's singing, and he's doing the dance. His dancing is hilarious. Oh, yeah. So funny. He's just this wiry dude. Yeah. It is funny when people get money because in the second rush hour, you're like, oh, shit, he's kind of ripped now. Oh, really? Michael just be jamming to the beat. He be like, boom, boom, boom. Michael be getting down. He just play it back, boom.
All of a sudden, you know, it's cool until he starts saying the words. That's when it sounds crazy. He's like, you see me in the club with a bottle full of buzz. No, Michael, no. Don't sing the words. Chris, I love that song. That is a good impression. I love that beat. I love it, Chris. That is a cold-blooded beat.
You got to go to his old, I'm talking early 90s. Go rush out with two karaoke. Are you doubting me? No, no. I can't spell karaoke. Oh, they'll fill it in for you. It's KKK. One of these look good to you? I don't know. I can't see. It's so far away.
Speaking of blooper reels, I just rewatched Life with Eddie Murphy and Martin Lawrence. Good movie. Good movie, but at the end they do the credit and they do blooper reels, and Eddie Murphy is zinging and riffing during the people fucking up, and you're like, this guy is, he's already so funny in the movie, but he's on another level. Yeah. It's fun when you can see a guy be funny in the moment. The ending was so great, too, with the Yankee game. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
The dance dude!
He really commits. So good. So good. He's like, there was always, I went to public school. I grew up with guys like that, and you could just hear the black girls going, he crazy. Yeah.
I love him, dude. I remember seeing Money Talks, I think, three times in the movie theater. Whoa. I loved it. You were the only one. I mean, he was great with Charlie Sheen, too. They had a good... Sheen is an underrated comedy actor. Oh, yeah. I mean, Hot Shots? Come on. Great. Two and a Half Men is one of the biggest sitcoms of all time. That's true. Yeah. Also, Spin City. He's great. Oh, yeah. I don't remember him. He took over from Michael J. Fox. I thought he was great on it.
That's a great cast. It's like Alan Rock and Richard Kind. Yes. Great cast. Heather Locklear. Oh, yeah. She had a run. That was back. That was when sitcoms were just starting to kind of go away. It was like the last hurrah, that whole spin city era.
What do you got for a rec? I got a weird one. I'm going the other way. Hit me. All right, all right. So went down to Texas, and I got bumped up to first class, highlight of my life.
Shane Gillis is sitting next to me. He's pounding drinks because he's a psycho. It's like 1230 in the afternoon. So I go, all right. I think it's 1245 here, by the way. Ah, shit. Good point. Well, he's already had a few at the bar or whatever. Sure. And he's like, ah, we're going to Texas. I go, you know what? Fuck it. Give me. It's free drinks in first class.
So we're talking about movies because we're going through the movie thing, the menu. And he's like, you got to watch this. And I was in the mood for a Western. Maybe I was going to Texas. I had a whiskey in my hand. So he goes, put this on. And I was like, all right. Which one? Old Henry. What's that? Incredible. Such a great movie. So fun. I was half in the bag by the end of it. But it's brand new. It's the guy from...
Ah, what's his name? He's got a weird name. He's the guy from Oh Brother Where Art Thou. Oh, Tim Blake Nelson. That's it! Yeah. He's the whole movie, and it's him and his son living out on the range, and, you know, problems arise, and he's gotta handle it. It's incredible. And a lot of these westerns can be slow. This is action-packed, it's incredible, it's emotional.
He's a great actor. So good, yeah. Great actor, great script. Who directed it and who wrote it? That's a great question. Let's see what we have here. You gotta remember, I was in a bourbon haze at 10,000 feet. That's a... I have a bigger question. Did Joe Rogan fly you down first class?
He put us up in the four seasons. So that's a no. How'd you get first class? I got bumped up. It was an empty plate. Oh, wow. Yeah, Delta, baby. I'm trying to stay loyal. Stay loyal. Yes. Well, it's weird. Don't you feel like Westerns have kind of made a comeback? I do, and I have a theory about that. What's your theory? Stop me if I've told you this, because, again, we drink a lot. Easy, beer Jew.
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I completely agree.
I can. And it's like, we're watching it on our phones. Yes. But we're still like, oh, that's cool. Yeah. It brings us back to our roots. I mean, this is old Americana shit. They're in like Oklahoma and 17, whatever, 18, 19 or whatever it is. And it appeals to everyone because you live in that kind of life. You're like, well, this is like, this is relatable to me. But like to me as a New Yorker in a tiny apartment. Yeah. That open range looks pretty cool. I,
I know. I know. And there's, you know, problems occur and you have problems in your life and it's still relatable, even though, you know, that we were miles apart technology wise. So true. I mean, it's great point. I also think there's something about people feel like they've lost so much, you know, in this pandemic and everything that.
your land, your space. There's something to that too. Oh, interesting. I don't know. I like that. I like that. But it's a real minimalist lifestyle and I think we kind of crave that a little bit. Yeah, we all want to feel like we've...
We still have that in some way. We don't. I mean, there's this hit show now, Yellow Jackets, on Showtime. He's a fan. I like it. It's campy as hell, but I like it. I love that reachy. I love her. She's so funny on it. Great. Got a forehead like a drive-in movie theater, but hell of an actress. Does she? Oh, my God. Pull up that. I don't know if we have a big enough TV for that noggin on old Reach. Old Reach.
Look at that thing. Holy hell. You could watch Blazing Saddles on that thing. I think it's pretty standard. Well, she knows what she's doing with those bangs. I'll tell you that. But you get a hair pull back. And look, I'm very attracted to her. She's got a good look.
Hot lady. But look at that one. Come on. That thing's about a five-incher. That's a five-head where I come from. All right, we'll keep it moving. I don't want to get... There's like a hot Hollywood actress in Mark. It's like, look at that head. I respect the brains.
No, she's great on it. Dude, but you know what it is? It's like all the women on the show are so fucked up from the island. And I think we all feel like these are the shows that take off now. It's like we all feel mentally fucked from this pandemic. Totally. I mean, you know what pisses me off so much right now is I don't know if you like you're another like native New Yorker. So like I know you think of Mayor Adams so far. He's Trump. He's Trump. Is that right? He hired his brother who was like a parking lot attendant to be like the top cop in
He's getting a ton of shit now because an Asian woman was pushed to her death in front of a train at Times Square. 930 in the morning. Insane. And Mayor Adams just goes, well, you know, only like one point something percent of crime actually takes place on the subway. It's, you know, it's people's perception. I'm like, really? It's our perception that I just I'm just perceiving a bunch of cocks on every subway line that I'm seeing now. Right. Right.
I've been riding the train. Something's off. Am I wrong? Something's up. Is that right? Something's up. I think there's less policing and there's just more wackos on the train now. It's the winter. And less regular people. It's the winter, yeah. People keep going crazier and crazier from this pandemic in this city. And then you throw in 10 degree weather. Right. What do you think's going to happen? This shit is, this is Lord of the Flies on the train. He was a cop. You'd think he would go hardcore on the policing.
He's got so much to worry about right now. I mean, there's so much shit going on, but you got to be better. On the subway? This is New York. We need the subway. But dude, I'll tell you. I used to do most of my writing on the train. I would just kind of space. I would sit on the train. I'd space out, and I'd just kind of wander and find jokes. You can't do that anymore. Because you're too worried about your peripheral? There's too many weirdos on the train. You got to keep your guard up just in case. But, oh man, I've seen...
Dude with no pants the other day, like, go to the next train. I used to have a joke about where you see a crazy person on the train, so you go to the next subway car and you see an even crazier person. I think I traded down here. But that's, like, what it is right now on the subways. I guess you don't take it as much because you walk to a lot of spots. I walk, but I took it here. I took it all last night. It's really at night. Night is when it gets shady. Yeah. I haven't carried a knife since I was a teenager. I'm on Amazon looking for knives. Get the hell out of here. You're a knife guy. I think so. Whoa.
You can hold it this way, too. Yeah. You're going to keep it in the boot? Where do you keep it? You can keep it on your hip as long as it's under four inches and it's not a gravity blade, which means it doesn't go like this. Click open. It's legal. Wow. All right. Under four inches. Then I can jerk out. I knew it was coming. I was going to bounce on it, but I knew he was fucking grabbing it. All right.
Also, Mary Adams is just like, if you don't harm someone with it, illegal possession of a weapon is not really legal anymore. Oh, really? As long as you don't use it in a harmful manner. Hmm.
That's true. You can just keep a firearm. Yeah, that's why I just hold a gun out and I go, come at me, bitches, and fire it. Yeah. Interesting. Well, I got to say, this is going to get dicey, but I think a lot of people voted for him like, he's a black guy, he's a cop, this will be good. And then I don't think people really listened to him or read up on him. I think they're just like, oh, we need a black guy. Well, he's a skilled politician, too. He knows how to...
I mean, also, no one good ever runs for mayor. No. That's the other problem is like no one ever is like, no, we'd never get a good mayor. It's kind of impressive. Well, you had Koch. People seem to like that guy. They didn't like him when he was mayor. Yeah. That's why he would always say, how am I doing? Huh?
That was his catchphrase. How am I doing? He knew it wasn't that good. And then Giuliani did some good. We only liked him after 9-11. He actually cleaned up New York prior to 9-11, as I recall. Like the broken windows thing. Yeah. Like he policed. He was a prosecutor. Yeah, but he got rid of subways. He cleaned up the subway. That was his biggest thing is that he made subways safe.
Giuliani was like Harvey Dent in Batman. Right. Because he was like that lawyer that's like, I fear no one. And you're like, yeah, but shit's going to turn for you, dude. His son is now trying to make a run at it. Do you see this? Embarrassment. He's like a baby Trump, too. Wow. Man.
I don't watch the news at all, but I heard a lot of shit about a lot of Democrats are jumping ship to Republican. Is that true? Oh, why? Just because they're like, I'm sick of it. I'm out. I'm going to Repub. Well, I get why people who like if you're in the restaurant business, I get why you're fed up with like, you know. Oh, yeah. If you're like when you're bailing out like airlines and you're bailing out hotels, but then like mom and pop restaurants are getting like bullshit, maybe a PPP loan or something. It's like.
I get why you're kind of like, what are you doing for me? Yeah, yeah. Things have really flipped because it used to be all about mom and pop. And now it's like corporations are killing it. And then big pharma is killing it with Pfizer. So it's like kind of gone the other way now. We used to be like, fuck these big pharmas, fuck these corporations. And now it's like, hey, Amazon, I need my package. And hey, give me the vaccine.
The Amazon vaccine is going to be the best. That's going to be a good vaccine. We'll get there overnight. I want the prime. It is funny. You order these masks now online and they're like, there could be a counterfeit. And you're like, you get the mask and you're like, fuck N94. This is bullshit. I got this bullshit fake mask. Damn. Yeah, it's a weird time to be alive. Do you have any recs, Matt? No.
Yes. Station 11. I'm going to watch it. I'm enjoying it. You're liking it. I'm liking it. How far are you in? I'm only three episodes in, but I'm hooked. I think it's like too smart for me. Really? What do you mean? I think they're following some like four or five Shakespearean plays. I think you're right. And like I only know two of them. Yeah. And like I'm missing some of the rest. I wish I was smarter to enjoy it more, but I really loved it.
Even if you don't get the Shakespeare, though, it's still solid. I still excellent. I got to watch it. It's the same director who did Atlanta, Hero or something. Yeah. I got to go back to Atlanta. I only did the first season. I loved it. Third season is a masterpiece. Really? He's incredible. Yeah. Man, that Donald Glover. He's too talented. Yeah.
He's a good looking guy. He's a good comic. He's a good rapper. He's a good actor. And he wrote a couple 30 Rocks. He wrote a couple community apps. He's killer. Yeah, he's kind of got it all, right? Yeah. He did that This is America thing. That went viral. That was cool. Huge. And he's a nice guy. I used to know him before he was huge. Yeah, I remember he used to pop in on Cabin, that bar show. Isn't that weird? Yeah, he had some great jokes, too.
He was so scared of having a kid. He had this great joke. He's like, I think I'd rather have AIDS than have a kid. My uncle's got five kids. He looks like he has AIDS. Something like that. That's fun. He's good. Does the guy like that change? Has he fundamentally changed? Like if he saw you, would he treat you differently now? Well, I think he's just so busy. I think he'd be like, oh, hey, what's up? I think he's a cool guy. I think he's down to earth. I mean, he's got the craziest backstory. Grew up in a foster home with a bunch of kids.
His mom adopted a bunch of HIV kids. So then he would be like, Mom, you didn't give him my lunch money. She would rather have AIDS and kids. Yeah. But then he'd be like, I couldn't complain because the other kids had AIDS. So how could I be like, ah, this is not enough pancakes or whatever. Damn. Yeah, he had a crazy upbringing. So he's just like beaten in down to earth guy.
He's not changing. Interesting. Cool dude. Yeah, I don't remember talking to him ever, but I remember we'd be on the same show sometimes, and he seemed cool and down to earth. I don't know. Very nice. Very nice. Good egg. Now, what about a peeve? I got a few. Let me see what I got. Ooh, I got a couple big ones. I always forget. Yeah, why don't you lead off? I haven't seen you in a minute, so I've been just jotting peeves down all week. Kind of fun to do something with this. It is. Otherwise, you're just annoyed.
How about this one? The guy who shits on something because he won't do it. All right, here is an example. I go, hey, I just got city bike. And I'm not going to say who, but my friend was like, oh, yeah. I was like, yeah, yeah, it's good. You should you should ride a bike every now and then. He's like, yeah, but aren't a lot of those electric? And I'm like, yeah, there are. But they are. But it's still better than nothing. He goes, I'm not riding an electric bike.
I'm like, but you burn calories still. And he's like, nah, it's electric. So I'm like, you won't do it because it's electric, but it's still better than not doing it at all.
You see what I'm saying? Yeah. I hate that mentality of like, I'm not doing that. They're electric. They barely do anything. I'm like, but now you're doing nothing. You're still moving your legs a little, right? Yes. It's like, I think the peeve here is unnecessarily shitting on your point. Like, you're not even taking this anywhere else. Right. You didn't need to shit on the point. Yes. And now you're still a fat guy. Yeah. And he's like, I'm trying to, he's basically, he's trying to lose weight. I'm like, you should do city bike. He's like, those are electric. I'm not doing that. I'm like,
But it's still, now you're doing zero.
You see, you're still fat as shit and you could ride the bike, but you won't because they're electric. Does it make sense? They're not all electrical. And they're not all electric. But that was his move, like to get out of it. Like, oh, well, some are electric. Like, OK, well, now you just stay, you know, a lazy bastard. So I'm not going to take a flight. Why? Some of them get canceled. Right. Exactly. It's a horrible way to shut it down. But he was like, no, they're electric. And in his mind, that was some some winning argument to like not ride a bike.
Interesting. Yeah, crazy. Do you get what I'm saying? You see it? All right. I mean, I'm useless. I can't really ride a bike. I remember during the beginning of the pandemic when we didn't know if COVID could be transmitted outdoors or anything or whatever. I was like, I'll ride a bike down to the cellar. I wiped out like three times. What? Really? I suck. Oh, man. I remember my dad taught me to ride a bike for like two hours. And I think one of the times we were in Central Park and I just –
went down a hill without him and crashed right into a tree and flew off and he was like, he's not a bike rider. That was it. Damn. In other words, it'd wipe it out of New York because someone's going to see it. Yeah, and it's also just like, you're like, what are you, this is, I don't need a bike around here. I'll work on other shit. The biking has gone up tenfold.
10,000% in this city. I hate it because now when you try to bike down like the West Side Highway, there's like 80 bikes that are weaving around you. I'm like, what is this, Formula One? I didn't think I... I know. It's a guy on a full-on, the spandex with the helmet that's aerodynamic. He's like, left! Right!
On your left, you're like, Jesus Christ. He was like Mario Kart. He just throws a fucking shell at you. You're like, ah. Yeah, right. You throw a banana peel behind you. I know. It's crazy. These guys are all in. I think they're sober or maybe impotent. They get the bike with the skinny tires.
I think these guys need something to do. They need something. The skinny tires piss me off. Although the fat tires don't really make sense either. Here's a peeve I got. I was talking to a guy and he was like a comedy booker. And he's like, if you're late for an inexplicable reason. And I was like, what do you mean inexplicable? Like I can't explain why I'm late. Ghosts. Why were you late? The Middle East. I can't explain.
I can't explain it. Right. That's true. Yeah, that's a weird way to say it. I don't like when people say that. It's like, you have no reason to be late. Shit, things get delayed. Yeah. I mean, what do you mean you have no reason? That is annoying. I told you, my lady does that. I'll be like, she'll be like, where are you? I'm like, the flight was delayed. She's like, ugh, you're always late. I'm like, the flight was delayed. Like, it's not me. It's the flight. You're waking up in a hotel room with a switchblade and math. You're like, it's the flight. Ha ha.
I think that was a Geraldo bit. He was like, you wake up with a switchblade and you fucking... The flight was like six weeks ago. I think it was just a Geraldo bit. Yeah, unexplicable. That's funny. What does inexplicable mean? Everything can be explained. Yeah, that's true. Even if you don't know, you're like, well, I can't explain it. But yeah, I don't know. For being late, you can explain it. Inexplicable. I'm spelling it wrong.
Oh, that's the movie. Ah, there it is. I've seen that movie. How the fuck did this get made? It's inexplicable. Unable to be explained. That's a good excuse for having low ratings. We don't know. We have no idea why. Matt, do you have a peeve? Me? Yeah. Oh, I wasn't prepared. Oh, you're always upset about something. You know what's pissing me off? And I don't know, maybe I'm just a cum guzzler here, but I hate the key card in the elevator.
I hate pulling the key card out twice to get in the hotel. What's the purpose? Is it for security? It's security, yes. You just can't go up. So I get it. I'm okay with it. But I'm annoyed like, oh, I got to move the elevator. And then you have that person who gets in. Yeah. And they're just like, can you do it again? You're like, why don't you do it? I know. Now I'm doing it three times. Exactly. Or when you do it and it works for your thing, but not for theirs.
That's fucking. Oh, that happens all the time, too. I've got a peeve. Hit me. Getting up to your hotel room after all the like rigmarole of getting your bags up there, hitting the fucking key card. Oh, story. You have to go back down. Well, the worst is when you're in one of those like airport hotels and they're like 800 rooms in there. So you're walking down a maze somewhere. Giant area. You're like, how do I remember? I was high as shit once in Seattle.
And it was a classic situation where they want to put you up in this... I remember when you're an abused puppy dog young comic and you're like, oh, this is a cool motel. Yeah. I remember I say this in this shithole. It was a motel. It was like... And I was a young comic, so I was like, there's a pancake house next to her. This is amazing. But I remember Marina Franklin, our friend...
And she called me. She's like, did you stay here? And I'm like, yeah. She's like, this is like sketchy. And then as she said that, I was like, oh, yeah, there was a heroin addict who fell asleep against my window. He like passed out against my window. And I just like opened it. He was like mushed into the window. Wow. But I didn't. I wasn't that. For a man, it's a different experience than for a woman. I guess so.
But even then, I was like, that's kind of weird. I was watching Forensic Files and every room looked like the one I was staying into. But it was like one of those things where you're like, ah, whatever. But then when she said that, I was like, oh, yeah. And then the next time I was there, I asked, I was like, oh, can I not stay in that hotel again? And the guy wrote back to my agent, PASS, in all caps, like he won't book me. Damn. And then I was like, all right, I guess that's how it goes. And then...
And then he wrote back, all right, we'll have him. And they put me in this hotel. But he made it a point to drive me back drunk every night. And then I was in that hotel and that kept happening. I took an edible or something and I was fucked up. Edible. Well, I kept...
Trying to get in the room, I'm like, I'm freaking out. Like, what the hell? It was like a maze, the hotel. Terrible. Then you're the junkie leaning on the window in the next scene. Yeah, yeah. It became you. It came full circle. It's funny. With the drive back to the hotel, a lot of these comedy club owners think they're so nice that I'm like, I'd rather Uber.
Because I don't have to like chit chat with you about, oh, cold out. Also, like I'm worried you're going to get pulled over for a DUI and then I'm going to have to Uber anyway. I think I know this owner. I think I know this guy. But yeah, I had a show in Philly the other night.
And a bunch of comics were driving there who I didn't know. And I was like, I'm going to pay the $50 and take an Amtrak. I had a great ride. It was awesome. And then I got to the show and I rode back with them. And I'm like, this is nice because it was only one ride with them. But two would have been a lot. Two's a lot. It's nice to get work done. And that's also a fucking business expense. Like you write that off anyway. Oh, yeah. Good point.
Yeah, dude. I love the one-way ride because you ride back, you relax. But on the way to a show, I like to go over notes. I like to prep a little bit. Oh, yeah. I'm a big backseat guy. Everybody wants shotgun. I hate shotgun. Too much pressure up there. You got to fuck with the radio. You got to help navigate. You got to respond to the driver to my backseat. I'm cruising. Shotgun doesn't even sound good. No. I got the shotgun. You're like, all right, I'll sleep in the back. Exactly. You worry about killing people behind us. Is that why it's called shotgun? What is it? What?
I think back in the old days, they'd shoot out of you. Yeah, the driver and then the guy next to you in the stagecoach was shotgun. We can probably update that one. I don't think a lot of people are doing that anymore. I think it's more likely that you're like, chatty. I'm radio. Phone charge. Phone charge. Yeah, that's true. DJ. There you go. Where are you guys at with the balance of chit-chat in the green room?
Well, if it's a guy I know or a gal I like, let's chat. But sometimes... But do you need time for... I need time for myself here. I like to go over notes, but also I usually bring a friend on the road, so we kind of usually have the same...
Yeah, yeah, exactly. I'm fine with talking if there's a real convo, but small talk in the group, I'm like, whoa, whoa, this is the green room. I don't need to hear about your dying aunt. I just found out my aunt is dying. I'm going over jokes. Yeah.
But, you know, I don't want to be like... Somebody's like, hey, how about this Omicron? I'm like, all right, all right, with the small talk. But if you got a good thing, let's talk. Small talk. Exactly. Small talk, no. But, like, talk. Yeah. Small talk is for people you don't even... I mean, I do have that, like, I'm very in my head. I think... I know Mark is. Like, we're both very in our heads. So...
Me personally, I feel smothered by you guys. It's easy because we kind of just know each other. But certain conversations, I feel like kind of smothered or suffocated because I'm so in my head. And it's tough because the head is like, this is like your channel. My head is like, it's trying to keep me in my head. It's like SportsCenter highlights, soprano scenes, fun memories. Then someone else talks about the weather and you're like, yeah, it's a worse show. Huh?
Right, right. Who put this on? Because I was at Mark's taping for, what was your one called? It was called? Out to Lunch? No, the one before that. Oh, Comedy Central? Don't Be Yourself. Don't Be Yourself. I was at that one taking pictures. My manager was in there. I was in the green room. Yes, manager. Someone else. Yeah. And we're all back there and we're having a good time talking. And your producer walks in, Amy Schumer, and she's like, clear the room.
And I was like, does she mean me? You know, like, because it was a lot of riffraff. Yeah. But I was like, I'm taking pictures. I'm working for the show. And I'm a pal too. And so I just sat there. She's like, you too. And I was like, oh. And she was like, Mark's trying to be nice. Everyone get out.
She knows me well. Well, she was good like that. She did that to me, too. Really? When Amy produced my Comedy Central special as well, shout out to Amy Schumer, man. Produced both our fucking specials. We would not have had Comedy Central hours without her. I know, right? So Amy, to Amy, you fucking rule. Also, her new movie, The Humans, is great.
Oh, yeah. Richard Jenkins is in it. He was one of my favorite actors. Amy's great in it. Beanie Fieldstein. I forgot the name of the woman who plays a mother, but she's incredible. It's a play as a movie. It's a slow burn. I dug it. She's a great actor. She doesn't get her due for her acting. I mean, she's working. She's working, but I mean, she's- I think everyone thinks she's a great actor. Okay. She won a Peabody.
Oh, she did? Yeah, Inside Amy Schumer. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's like the biggest female comedy actress. I think she gets her due. All right, all right. No? But killer actor. She's amazing. She's great at drama and comedy, but she... She made me think she liked me for years. I remember my manager at the time tried to get in the room, and she goes, get out. I love it. I love it.
Well, we don't have that because I'm too nice or I don't want to hurt anybody. But I was in a few green rooms with her where there was some weirdo in there. And she'd be like, can I have the green room? And it wasn't that big of a deal. But I was like, I could never do that. And I would learn from her. She also had someone make everyone in the green room. Because afterwards, it was like you, DeVito, Joe Mackey. Rachel, Ari. Yeah, Ari, Rachel, DeVito.
And she had someone make us all Manhattans in the green room. So the second I get off stage for my late show, we're all drinking good bourbon, good Manhattans with the maraschino cherry. Hell yeah. I was like, hell yeah, dude. She knows what she's doing. Yeah. So did we go out after that? Was there an after party? Yeah, it was a Brooklyn bar. Oh, yeah, that's right.
A lot of familiar faces. Our buddy Scott Rogowski. Yes, that's right. From HQ Trivia. Mm-hmm. Our boy. Fun night. Fun night. Yeah. We've done so much that that was like a huge night. But now- Your night was awesome. I mean, you shot that in that temple. That was awesome. Yes. The Angel Orzance, which is like a Jewish temple from the 18-whatever. I'll tell you, this guy's dying to be one of us. It's crazy. I'm trying. I'm trying to get in. And-
He got circumcised right before the show too. I mean, it was crazy. I know. Can I get some ice? But yeah. Uh,
Great time. Great time, those specials. That was like when TV was still TV. I mean, I don't think anyone watched mine. Mine either. Those were the glory days when 300,000 people watched a special. Yes, exactly. The good days. Exactly. Now it's what, 125? That's like a bad TikTok, 300,000. And our clips have done better than the actual TV show. We shot your special. We were going to air it, but office reruns do way better. So we're going to cancel it. We're going to play She's One of the Guys again.
Good movie. Should we do a bit? Yes. Now, I got a weird one here. Hit me. So I got a bit that I think is kind of stands on its own, but...
I got that little dick in the back of my head fucking me going, well, is this too close to Sam's bit? You should run it by him. Hit me. All right. So I think it's different, but I do want to run it by you. So I noticed that when you flip through HBO Max, there's a lot of like categories, you know, like trans stories or strong black women or Asian culture. You know, they're trying to be like progressive.
But I'm like, hey, HBO, I know you're trying to be progressive, but porn's been doing this for like 20 years. Ooh, that's good. I've been watching Asian culture since I was in high school. You know, yada, yada, yada. I don't think that's one of my favorites. Well, you had that thing about porn, like BBW. You're fine. Facial.
That's a great bit. I rewatched the bit to make sure. Yeah, I used to have a joke where I'd be like, porn is more progressive than women's magazines because there's fat and old porn. There's no fat and old women's magazines, right? There's, you know, porn. It's like, you're not fat. You're a big, beautiful woman. You're not old. You're mature. You're not covered in semen. You're getting a facial. That was the bit. Great bit. Every woman knows that. That's on the Comedy Central. I never saw it.
But the clip's done well. Adriana Cechik, the porn star, shared it on social media. Whoa! That's huge. So my bit is just like... I love it. And I love that it's calling out, like, you think you're being progressive. Porn has got you beat. I think porn's been doing this for years. I think it's a different bit. Porn's been putting trans people on screen for...
way longer than any network you know like way longer oh you got a francis mcdormand movie uh is there penetration so and then the big close is like the only difference is uh hbo the kids section is a lot easier to find is that too dark it's dark all right i like it i think it's funny
Well, you know, they have like kids, they have cartoons, but porn, you got to do some digging. Yeah. Apparently. There's something. Or maybe. I was researching a bit. Yeah. Or maybe you could do it something like the kids in HBO is right there for porn. It's barely kids, you know, like barely legal. Right. Yeah. There's no barely kids section. They call it young adult. Right. Right.
something about barely legal pedo jokes are tough they're tricky because you want you want it to be clean which is a funny word to use to describe that but yeah i mean like you want it to just well the bit's hitting except i need an ending so the kid thing is a little like groany but yeah yeah like uh they've been doing this for years porn's been doing this for years yeah i think it's all right just check i mean fuck everything's been done have you ever had to give up a bit
Oh, yeah. Because it was too similar? Sure. Twice in like the last month. It's brutal. It's like you just have to do it. Well, our buddy Ian Fidance had a similar joke to me. And like, I love Ian. He's my boy. So it's like you just got to, it sucks, but it's like. Can you ask him? Be like, is this too similar like Mark just did? You know, the setups for the jokes are different, but we use pretty much the same words for the punchline. So I just, I can keep the premise because it's different from his joke, but I need a new punchline and.
It's tough when you find the perfect line because it's kind of like it's the perfect line for a reason. Jokes are hard to crack. So I just have to
figure it out but like you gotta if a bitch similar you gotta drop it there without that shit like there's no honor right yeah and you're a good guy because you're i don't want to be mean but you're bigger than ian so like he could potentially have to drop it because you could just do it but it's nothing to do it's his joke first it's like it's his joke first i know but i'm sure if i had the same joke as chris rock he'd be like i'll be all right you know like he could still do it well you're not friends with chris rock that's true you know like ian's my buddy i mean
It happens all the time. It's tough because you legitimately got there yourself and then you heard his shit later. Of course, I didn't know his bit. I mean, it's what happens. I mean, you know, Mark and I have done this to each other where like when you hang out with someone all the time,
Sometimes you're like, you come to the same bit. It happens. Like you joke around together and then you both try a bit about it. And then you kind of like, oh shit, we kind of have to figure out who that is. Or like, you know, I've had like, I've text Mark bits and Mark's like, oh, I have a joke just like that that I ran by you. And it like seeps into your subconscious. It's possible. That happens to everybody. It's unavoidable. So you just, that's why you have to really
I ask people to watch my special before I put it out because I just want to make sure I'm like, have you heard anything like this? Have you heard anything like this? Because you just you're going to it's going to happen to everyone by accident because everything's been done. Does that make you more sympathetic to joke thieves? Well, I think like, you know, there's because it could happen. There's consistent joke thieves and there's accidents, I think. And yeah, and I think you develop a reputation based on whichever one.
You are, right? Exactly. Yeah, yeah. There's subconscious parallel thinking, and then there's thievery. We put out a lot of bits, Mark and I, and that's like when you write a lot of new jokes, you're just going to run into it. It just happens, so you just got to be as careful as you can. I had a similar joke to Michael Che, and I just dropped it because I don't know who thought of it first, but he's going to have a Netflix hour, and I was going to do a YouTube, so I just dropped it because he's bigger. Yeah, but also-
It was a joke about like we had a black president, but statistically we've had a gay one, you know, just because I remember there's been 48 president, whatever, 45. So you think statistics got to be a gay one in there. And that was pretty much the joke. And he had the same exact premise. So I just I think it's FDR. That guy couldn't even stand. He got all that that anal. He had a funny angle. He was like, I think it's Lincoln because he was at the theater.
That's good. So I was like, that's probably a little more fleshed out than mine. So I just dropped it. Yeah, that's interesting. Mark, you have a bit? Well, that was my bit also. But I have another one. You go. I meant Sam to have a bit. Sorry. There you go. Let me see what I got. I have a couple ideas here. Let me see what I got. I'll tell you this. Go on it with the Netflix half hour out. I've been trying to just go cold.
Speaking of bits, while you're looking, I had a bit, I have like a six minute bit. It's like a staple in my act. New bit, newish. And I did the Charlotte Comedy Zone and my opener did the same fucking bit, same idea, not stealing, just completely parallel thinking. And I'm like, I guess I got to drop it.
You dropped it because of your opener in Charlotte? Well, he did it on a dry bar. So it's already out there. So we talked about it. He's like, yeah, sorry, man. That's like a five-year-old bit I did on a dry bar. And I was like, all right, I guess that's over. And it was like a big bit in my act. It's like a staple. Happens to all of us. I mean, that's why it's so hard to put out a lot of specials. I know. I mean, I saw a guy do one of my bits and I'm like, I don't think he stole it. I think it just fucking...
It's like an old bit of mine. I just don't want people to think I stole. That's where I kind of like, as long as you don't think I stole it, I don't give a shit if someone else does a bit. Cause it's like, it's going to happen. You do so much due diligence. So I don't think anyone ever accused you of stealing something. I think you try, but people, people always accuse you. I mean, people are fucking idiots, but I mean, I, the joke that I saw someone stole mine. I mean, it's not steal like dead.
was like, I did this joke on my album Class Act in 2015, but I also did it on a Conan set. I can't believe I got it on Conan. God bless Conan for letting us do this joke. But I said, my friends, I told my friend I'm going on a date. He goes, you gotta masturbate before the date because that way if you get laid, you last longer. And I go, well, here's what they don't tell you. If you masturbate before a date, you're canceling the date. I call the girl up and I say, there's been a change of plans. So that joke,
like late night joke kill and I'm like man I heard someone else do it's like also like guess what another guy can arrive upon that sure that's not like it's not like I fucking did like a personal joke from my childhood it's an observational funny joke yeah yeah but I wonder if women can do that they like look through a wedding magazine they're like I don't need a boyfriend they if they can come to that same conclusion I
I think they definitely come to that magazine. But here's my idea. I saw a headline. By the way, I do new jokes last night at the Cellar, the new joke show. Louie's in the room watching my set. I'm like, I'm doing jokes I wrote today. This is fucking excruciating to have one of the best comics of all time just being like... I know. That's New York, baby. I like doing...
new jokes on the road where it's kind of like I can fail and bring it back in an hour set you earn enough goodwill in like 45 minutes but was he going on or was he just there he went out right before me and then he just hung out after my set and I'm just kind of like ah shit that is a head fuck right there he was nice afterwards but you're also kind of like I made a joke I'm like fucking Louie I was like someone said like Lou you have to follow Louie I'm like I know it's not fun yeah it's not fun uh
But, you know, Louis has always got funny shit. What a city. I say, so I saw a headline, Snow White under fire for the kiss without consent. And I go, literally, like people were mad about that scene. I'm like, literally a movie from the late 1930s, the same 10 year period of the Holocaust. And people were like, this is the thing we need to revisit. We need to take another look at Snow White. Yeah. What about the eighth dwarf, Dewey? And then I say like,
I don't think the movie has inspired a rape. Right. I don't think anyone's like, I don't think a college kid saw a woman passed out at a party and was like, Snow White, dude. Nah.
See if she's a princess. Yeah. Is it Princess Snow White? I think that's what it is. Prince Charming? Yeah, I guess so. Prince Charming kisses her. Wake her up. Everybody was a princess back then. Every Disney movie. Well, the line I said, it needs more, but I was like, you know, like a judge is like, kid watched Snow White, he never had a chance, you know? There's something about like, no one's raped over Disney. Right. What about this angle? Like she has to eat an apple. Why aren't we thinner? Yeah.
You know, that's not promoting healthy eating. Yeah, I watched Snow White as a kid. I've never once eaten an apple. Yeah, exactly. Also, she lived in a house with seven dudes. Isn't that weirder?
yeah yeah it's like guess what uh like hey i think you should never uh you should never kiss a pass that woman unless she lives in a house with seven uh dwarfs in which case it's a sign you know something like that something yeah so a prince kissed her when she was asleep was that what happened and he rescued her too he saved her oh all right all right i've seen that movie plenty of times i've never saved a woman yeah there you go yeah that's interesting
I loved Babe as a kid. I eat pork. I don't know. There's something. Yeah, and you've been with some pigs. All right. Everybody relax. Disney. No, that's a good bit, though. It's never caused something. We'll figure it out. And there's other Disney movies you could go to.
Before we get out of here, Taylor Tomlinson's got a new podcast. Check it out. Sad in the City. It's great. I was on an episode where we argue about New York versus L.A. You're going to love it. It's about being sad. I love that I get her to come here and she's like, I'll do a podcast. I'm like, what are you going to call it? She's like, Sad in the City. I'm like, all right.
Well, we've all been there. Not my life with you. But no, it's really good. You'll like it a lot. It's already doing great. It's got great numbers, and it's very relatable. We all get bummed out in this town, let's be honest. You got dates, Mark? Yeah, well, let me plug my lady's pod if we're doing the lady pods. My lady has a pod called Risky Business, Riskay Business, and We Were Had.
True Crime. Oh, that's great. Yeah, yeah. I didn't know it was a True Crime podcast. I knew that she had a podcast, but I didn't know it was True Crime. She's got the business one and the True Crime one. So, yeah, give those a gander. Risqué business. Risqué. But, yeah, I got a ton of dates. I'm all over the road. MarkNormanComedy.com. Syracuse this weekend. I don't know when this comes out. And Sacramento, La Jolla.
kansas city i'm going off memory i'm doing sacramento and la jolla too in february oh nice we're circling each we're always circling always always come see both of us columbus ohio omaha fort wayne uh let's see la jolla tampa back to side splitters it's been too long there jj jd
BT BT Sorry I'm dyslexic BT It's been a while Can't wait to come down to Tampa Better than TB I'll tell ya Bring us Bring us a pitcher of beer Every seven minutes Until someone passes out And bring us one every ten Alright Oh yeah I got the DTs But uh Yeah Come on out Say hello
I got, I got, uh, Magoobies this weekend in Timonium, uh, Maryland. It's, it's way better than the name. Trust me. Yes. We got, uh, Huntsville, Alabama. Uh, we just added that. So get tickets. I'm sure I'm going to sell horribly in that market. So please see me in Alabama. Then we got Hartford, Connecticut, Sacramento, San Diego, Orlando, West Palm, Columbus, uh,
Salt Lake City. Salt Lake City. One of my favorite clubs in the country. Cleveland. New York City. The Beacon. May 7th. Holy shit. The Beacon, motherfuckers. Tickets are moving, folks. Prodigal son returns. It's going to sell out. So get on it. Toronto. All that bullshit. Get on it. Samuel.com slash shows. Playa. Oh, Albany. Yeah. There you go. Nashville. Yeah. It's going to be great. Oh, man. A lot of good rooms. Good rooms. Really seem to care about what I have no idea. Ha ha.
All right, all right. Oh, by the way, the Huntsville, that's where you'll get the, are you laughing about the Jew jokes? Which side are you on here? That'll be interesting. Huntsville's a progressive city, actually. NASA's there. NASA, that's right. Yeah, so you get that mix of hillbilly and scientist. Well, make sure to sign up for the Patreon. We might be drunkpod at gmail.com to email us peeves, jokes, wrecks, cocktails. We love you. Stay safe, guys.
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