Ep 57: Coquito
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We might be drunk, we might be drunk, as long as we are hanging out, you know we might be drunk. Raise a glass, let's talk shit, pep heaps, wrecks, and a bit, maybe drunk, we might be drunk, yeah. Hey folks, here we are, we might be drunk, we're doing it, it's the new year.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, 2022, baby. Here we are. Some of us are going away, so backlogging a little. Yeah, yeah, you got that right. You been good? I've been good. I did a whole southern run, and just over the weekend, I went to Atlanta. I rented a car, drove to Charlotte. Nice. It's good to be back. Oh, man, how was Charlotte? I was there the week before you. Great club, but just like you, we had killer crowds. Those crowds were like, I could do a special here. Yeah. And then the Saturday Late Show was like...

Fucking Bachelorette, Trunk Lady got thrown out for standing up and yelling. Yeah. The Let's Go Brandon shit started going. I mean, it was babysitting. Yeah. Some of these crowds, you're like, don't be so the South for a second. I know. You do get that shit where you get like...

And look, I get it. Like you see some shit and it's like coming to New York and you see a homeless guy like take a shit right in front of you and you're like, all right, like you're rubbing it in. Yeah. You know what I mean? That's what happened. There was a there was a crowd of this happened to me in Springfield, Missouri. There was a woman who she's heckling me shit face. At one point she goes, you're not bad looking for a Jew. And I was like, wow. I mean, this is you guys are just going in. Wow. Yeah.

That's kind of a compliment. It is a compliment, but it's also not. Yes, of course. I had the ladies talking on the right, and I go, come on. And they all went like this.

And I'm like, I'm the bad guy. You guys are fucking twats. You're killing me here. You come here. You're all dressed up. They got like eight bottles of champagne on the table. I'm like, get out of here. You're going to die alone. That is a good one. The dialogue. We were talking about that shit with DeRosa last week. Yeah. It's so true that you just go to you're going to die alone. Right. Because that's I had like this woman in Miami. It's like.

To the clubs, in the club's defense, they don't quite know because I'm getting enough laughs for a while that they're like, oh, he's working off this. But then there's a point where it just turns. Yes. Like this woman, I'm drinking a glass of wine on stage. The club was very nice. They got me a natural wine in the green room. I'm like, hey, Gary Vito and I, he hates it, but I'm drinking it. Yeah. And I'm like, it's kind of fun to get a little wine buzzed in Miami. Sure. You go out there. This woman keeps heckling me. She goes, I like boxed wine. You know, I...

I'm like, all right. What a thing to brag about, by the way. I'm like, all right, you're trash, whatever. And I'm like, what do you brag about riding the bus? You know, it's like, she's just like, I like box wine. I'm like, sure. I mean, doesn't it hurt you? It was going on and on for a long time. And then finally gets to a point where I'm like, all right, lady, we get it. And I kind of gotten, you know when you get that one applause and you're like, well, this should be over. This is peaked. It's not getting any better. And then she comes back, but box wine's better. And I'm like, ah!

Oh my god, this chick. This is your big stamp on the world is box wine? Nobody gives a shit. She's in a blackout and she's not going to remember anything. All she's going to remember the next day is like, I was funny. Yeah, exactly. I talked to the comedian. It was really funny. And she'll talk to one self-aware friend like, you're a fucking idiot. Yeah, hopefully. Probably not. They probably don't have that friend. You stole the show. You were great. The whole box wine thing. You got to do a show about that.

that. That's hilarious how you just say you like a thing. Yeah. That's the show. Box wine is such, I like handicap hookers. What are you talking about? That's not a point of pride, box wine. Yeah, it's terrible. Speaking of booze though. Oh yeah, we got a special guest bartender here. Hey guys,

How we doing? Hey, this is Jamie. The Bear Jew transitioned. Jew-esque. Half Jew? Yeah. Half Jew, half Cuban. Puerto Rican. Puerto Rican. Ooh. I was just in Miami. I assume everyone's Cuban right now. Kosher Reponada. Kosher Reponada's a great punk band. Half Jew. Jew and Puerto Rican is like as New York as it gets to me. Right. Where else would those two people meet? Right?

It's perfect. Good point. It has to be New York. I love it. It's a West Side Story. Yeah, I'm the result of that having a happy ending. Yeah. I heard the new movie's great. I heard it's good. It is. I saw it yesterday with my mom. It's good? I saw it crying and singing for three hours, but I don't think it's that long. It was really, really good. Three hours? No, it's a little over two, but it's really good. Two hour plus for a musical movie's a lot. I know, but the lyrics are so good. It's really worth it. It is. I usually hate remakes.

Yeah, me too. But this was killer. I felt like it was a sleeper. I felt like I've been hearing a lot about this and that. I didn't feel like I heard too much buzz about this. I know. They probably didn't need to. It's Spielberg. They're like, people are going to see it. It's Spielberg. True. You know what I like when movies do this? They're advertising just West Side Story. You don't see Spielberg. You don't see any of the actors. You're like, the name is enough. I love that. That's kind of cool. It's a relatively unknown cast, except for Tony, I think.

Who's Tony? The baby driver guy. Oh. Andrew Elgort. Your cousin? We're related. Oh, you are? Yeah. He's on the other side. He's a good guy. You didn't know he was in that movie? Of course I knew he was in it. No, I've seen the ads. No, good for him. He's not bad looking for a Gentile. Imagine being Spielberg's PR person. Just sit back. I know.

What a gig. Yeah. He's just in Peru right now, haven't we? He's doing ayahuasca. He's just on vacation. He doesn't care. He's just on Epstein's Island kicking back, living life. He's like, don't promote this either. All right. So what do you got cooking for us here, J-Mo? So of course, a traditional Puerto Rican drink that we have over the holidays. And it's good all year round, but you probably already did eggnog.

Right? We did. I actually thought that I saw you outside the cellar. I thought you mentioned that you wanted to make an eggnog. So I didn't know what you're making, but I was expecting eggnog. It's not eggnog, but it is. They call it Puerto Rican eggnog. It's called coquito. Oh, it doesn't know it's dead. Coconut in Spanish. I see. So normally you want your penis to scrub. I brought like what's in it because I wanted to explain why it's different from eggnog.

So eggnog is really eggs, milk, and sugar. And then you put in like the booze and cinnamon and everything. So it's basically like the ingredients of a cake without flour. Right. So this is coconut based. So we have coconut milk. You have to have coconut milk. Creme de coco and sweetened condensed milk. And a bit of rum. And that's why it's different. And then you can kind of like experiment with the rest. Eggnog also can be whiskey as well, right? Yeah, you can do bourbon or rum or whiskey, whatever. I think in the...

Like when it was created, it was originally had with whiskey. Yeah, that's how I do it. Back from the 13th century, like Britain, it's like really old. Wow. Because Puerto Rican... There's a lot of salmonella going around in those days. We haven't cracked this yet. Right. And then the Americans came and put booze in it. I think they just had it without for a while, just like a warm grog.

Right. The English just had it with like-- But it helps you sleep. It's like one of those before bed drinks. Yeah. So they boozed it up. And then there was some riot in the 1800s called the eggnog riots. Really? Yeah. Wow. It sounds kind of like the first Santa Con. It was just a bunch of Americans.

Getting wasted around Christmas time on eggnog, and I think that's why it became a Christmas time treat. Wow, I didn't know that. Look at that. Fun fact. The eggnog riot. That's been around a long time, but Coquito's only been around since like the... It's only a 1900s thing. Okay. And so, yeah. So what I have here is the mix. Best names in Puerto Rico. Mofumbo and Coquito. Mofungo. Mofungo. Sorry. Sorry.

Okay, so we're going to figure it all out. It's not a fish. So what's in this is actually the mix, and then the rum is here, and I'm going to mix these two together because it's actually a lot of work to catch this, but I'll explain what's in it. Like I said, you have the creme de coco, the sweetened condensed milk, coconut milk. This is a canned food drive right here. I know. Where's the Goya? What is it, Thanksgiving? No, I did not want to bring the Goya. I did Coco Lopez. Okay. All right, all right. Coco Lopez is my drug dealer. All right.

So all that's in it plus some vanilla and then cinnamon nutmeg. And you can experiment with how you want to make it. Otherwise, there's... I went to a Coquito competition, actually. Damn! Bacardi threw, and I tried like 10 different Coquitos under 10 minutes because I was late and I wanted to make...

fair judgment of which one I thought was best so I got hammered and fell very full. I appreciate it. So I'm going to mix these two now because I already kind of pre-batched this at home. Oh boy. So yeah let me shake it up because it gets thick. Yeah. You know how these drinks go. The Dave Attell joke. Eggnog or as I call it Elf cum. Slap it down your own back. Yeah. Oh look at that. She's a comedy fan. She's a comedy fan. I love Attell.

Oh, yeah. David tells the best. He's the king. Like, we're just going to go for it here. I floated him doing this, and he said it'll come on the new year. I'm going to see him at Caroline's. He always does the holidays at Caroline's. That's right. There's no one better. Yeah. I mean, there's no better holiday thing to do. I mean, so we are pre-recording this because of a lot of us going away, but...

Yeah. The Attell. I saw him do that when I was in high school. Wow. So that's how long Dave has been doing that. This is going to sound so fucking cheesy. I have an autographed playbill of his from like 2004. I love it. Yeah. I wasn't a comic yet. Wow. You still have it? I think it says, thanks, Dave Attell. Oh.

I love it. David Tell, great line. Doug Stanhope is doing Carolines, and David Tell walks in because he's a fan, and Stanhope from the stage goes, what are you doing here, Dave? And he goes, I was walking down Broadway. I heard a white voice coming out of Carolines. I had to see who it was. They book a lot of urban acts. But yeah, he's the king. The king, man. Oh, I'm excited for this. Woo!

Oh, boy. I mean, I can always add more, too. Oh, look at that. Look at the garnish. This is... I'm not a pro bartender, but, you know, I know a couple things. Yeah. Henry Hill said they used to shave a guy's head and use it on his head, one of those cheese graters. What? To torture him. Wow. I need that for my dandruff. Garnish that with a cinnamon stick. Oh.

Oh my god! This looks legit. Thank you! Oh man! Hey, hey, cheers! Call this a baby batter on the rocks. They're not allowed in Texas. Dude! That is stupid good. Welcome. Oh my god. Sally, you should really have one of these. Just a tiny shot? Yeah! Just on the lip.

Hit the glasses. Jizzlemyglasses.com. This is a very mature podcast we do here. Yes, yes. Ooh, that's delightful. Oh, it is good. I went to a Cuban restaurant in Miami called Versailles. Have you heard of this? I've heard of this. Oh, my God. Somebody told me to go there. I'm with Vitor, so he just orders like eight things. He's such a Jew on the road. He's like, we got to try everything. You're four foot one. What are you doing?

Thank you so much. Thank J-Mo. This is delightful. This is insanely good. Puerto Rican eggnog. I have two of these. I don't know my kids. Coconut milk. This seems like underrated in a cocktail. Agreed. Damn. This tastes like the holidays right here. Puerto Ricans and Thailand love coconut. Everything on Thai is coconut. Coconut milk, coconut curry. Yeah, you're right.

The Thai, yeah. Oh, man, all those curries, man. Coconut shrimp. What curry? Are you red or green or you go Massaman? I'm red all day. Yeah, I like to keep it red. I like it spicy. Yeah. Can I give you a peeve? Oh, jeez. We just got started here. Is it too soon for a peeve? No, I can always do a peeve. I wanted to hear a little bit about that. A peeve's like a drink. It's not too early. Well, it's related to Miami, so I'll work my way up. But yeah, Versailles, first off, look up their Cuban sandwich. It's insane.

I gotta be honest, I was kind of looking for something more traditional, but Vida pushed me hard on the Cuban. And I wanted something like ropa vieja, one of the beef things. But yeah, look at that. Damn. It's like a panini with edge. I love a good panini, man. But look at that. Cuban's never been my go-to sandwich, but when you get one done right...

It's great. Because you get a cheap cube and it's kind of crap. It's shit. You get a good one, like the right pork and the mustard and the pickle and the cheese. You're like, that's a fucking killer. And for some reason, you don't feel as weighed down as if you just had barbecue or something. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. How often are you getting pork on a sandwich? I guess you have a ham sandwich. Pork roll. Pork roll? What's that? That's like a Jersey thing, right? I don't know pork roll. What is a pork roll? Sounds like a blues musician. Old pork roll. You played the sax?

Yeah. What, uh... Yeah, let's see. Oh, yeah. There's a Cuban place in Soho that everybody loves. What's it called? God, I can't think of it. It's always got a line out the door. It's a little hipstery. Look at that. It's a Cuban joint in Soho. Always got a line around it. They do a big brunch, too. Oh, I can't think of it. Very popular. Give it a goog. What is this? This is the pork roll. Oh, okay. Okay.

Egg meat muffin. I guess for some reason pork is okay on breakfast sandwiches, but we don't do it as much. It's more of a supporting player. It's the turkey club. The bacon's there, but it's in a William H. Macy type role. It's not... Strong supporting. It's strong supporting, right? But we're not getting... You're not in a lot of the leads. But then you got pulled pork, which is all pork. Pulled pork is good. But again, if you get it done wrong, that's just one ticket to Diarrhea City. Yeah.

It's terrible. I got one ticket to Diarrhea City. Eddie Money. Is it Cafe Habana? That's it. That's it. Should have put that together. This is insane. This is delightful. And you drink too many of these, though. You're going to shit out a Pillsbury Doughboy. Yeah, I mean, speaking of Diarrhea City. I'm going to have to have a second one of these. They're really good. Oh, yeah. Salakies, what do you think? Peters, you want one of these? Diarrhea City.

Oh, shit. We got to get one for our producer, Matt Peters. The man behind the scenes. It's a huge hit. Now, what are you pouring in there? So this is the mix that I made with all these things. Oh, you made that? Yeah. Oh, and put it in a bottle. I see. That's a big thing that Puerto Ricans do is once they make coquito, they just put it back in the rum bottle and gift it to you. Oh. So you'll just see a lot of like Bacardi filled coquito bottles. I like it. Yeah. Nice. And there was Bacardi spiced and gold mixed into this. But you can use whatever Puerto Rican rum you want.

It doesn't have to be those, but I just like the flavor of Bacardi spice. Now, I got to ask, you're Puerto Rican and Jewish. What do you feel closer to? Right. It depends. Like today, I've got the hoops and the hair slicked back. Right. I'm drinking Coquito, so 90% Puerto Rican. But you're hanging out with me. Yeah, exactly. So there's that 10% that's like, I got that same like, ugh, business. Yeah.

I like that that's just become a stereotype about Jews. Like, we're just annoyed or annoying. Yeah. Those are like the stereotypes now. I grew up like in a big Jewish neighborhood, Lower East Side, right behind Kosar's Bialy's and the Pickle Guys. Yeah. So, yeah, I felt very Jewish. Even your neighborhood was Puerto Rican Jewish. Yeah. Like, you're exactly your environment. Which of your parents is Puerto Rican? My dad. Your dad's Puerto Rican, your mom is Jewish. Yeah.

So my mom's like just angry. And I'm in therapy. A one man show. I'm sure though back then a Puerto Rican was pretty exotic. Not exotic but like it's a sexy swarthy Latino for a for a

disgusting, nebbishy Jewish woman. Oh yeah, she was on a mission. Jesus, Mark. Mark, what the fuck? Mark's talking about Jews like we're on an animal planet or something. What the hell? But she kind of did poach out at me. She picked him up at the gym, so she was poaching. Oh, okay. She said it was between him and a Jamaican guy. Damn! So she was after it, you know? Wow. Shit, that's a horny Jewish... I don't think she worked out. I don't think she ever went...

Puerto Rican or Jamaican? Right, right. Jamaican. Jamaican. Yeah. Is that a big thing, Jews and Jamaicans? It's got to be at least. There's got to be one. I don't think it's like a huge crossover. No, no. You don't see a lot of Hebrew bobsled. Wait, no. Wait, no. That's Cool Runnings. You don't see a lot of Hebrew reggae. Sure. It was a rich guy.

rich girl. That's great. Sure, but most reggae is too chill. Jews, we're too whiny, you know? Right. You think of like Bob Marley, you know, he's just like, Buffalo soldier. We'd just be like, what's with this soldier? What's going on here, man? What's going on here? Ah,

I'm a lot of weed, don't you think? It's a little too much weed. I really do turn into my most Jewish self when I smoke weed because the voices just pop in where they're like, who do you think you are? It's like your mother where you're like, shame on you. Right. You're this high. You think you're going to go anywhere in your career when you're this high? Yeah. It's funny because I turn Jewish when I smoke weed, too. Really? Get your act together. What are you doing? You suck. You got to start reading more. Yeah. Yeah.

What is that? Well, weed, I think it taps into your worst insecurities. For some people. Some people, it works. Oh, yeah. I'm not one of those people. I wish I was. These guys are wake and bake and all that shit. Do you wish you were that person, though? Well, that's a good point. But they smoke and they're like, ah, it's almost like medicine for them. And I'm like, man, that must be nice. Because it looks good. This sounds horrible. Mark's like, I would like that. Doesn't that sound horrible? They wake up, they need it. It's like, oh, thank God I'm high. And I'm like, that sounds like a fucking nightmare. That's a good point. But you ever eat Adderall?

You ever had an Adderall? Yeah. Yeah. Well, I have an Adderall and I'm like, whoa, shit. I'm bouncing off the walls. I'm cleaning the vacuum cleaner and putting together a transmission. But other people take an Adderall and they're like, all right. And I think it's the same with weed. Yeah, I think I'm one of those people. Yeah. I think I'm one of those Adderall people. I take one. I'm like, now I can focus. Really? Yeah. Oh, I'm vacuuming the roof. Really? Yeah. I'm just like, woo, Roadrunner, Sonic the Hedgehog, crazy shit. Sonic the Hedgehog.

Whatever happened to Sega? Sega had a fucking run. They had a run? Remember Sonic and all that shit? They don't have a system anymore, I don't think. That was a good one.

That was my thing. I wasn't a Mario. I was always playing Sonic. Interesting. Tails was such a... My older brother would be like, you can be Tails. I'd be like, oh, fun. I get to chase you. Yeah, I get to be Robin. Thanks. Robin at least was there. Tails, you could get off screen. I'm like, where is he? And he's like, we left him behind. Yeah. That was also when I knew Jim Carrey was kind of done when he was in the Sonic the Hedgehog movie. I was like, ah, Jim.

You were so high up. You know what I think hurt him is when he did, I mean, look, he's a legend. Sure. We're not talking Jim Carrey. Big fan. But when he did Kick-Ass 2 and then he came out against guns and it's like, you're in a gun movie, dude. No one's saying, no one's just assuming you're pro-gun. Right, right. I never put that together. Case in point, Alec Baldwin. But...

But, you know, it's like, look, there's such a thing as entertainment. Like, there are fucking movies on the Holocaust. I don't think Christoph Waltz hates Jews. Right, right. We can separate it. Yeah.

Must have been a cathartic role, though. What if he puts on the outfit and he's like, finally. I was born for this. It's like his Adderall. Yeah, exactly. Even seeing Benedict Cumberbatch in 12 Years a Slave, you're like, you seem too nice to be this slave owner. Even in the movie, he's crying. You're like, all right, this is... You're like the weak slave owner. I would

never make one of those movies if I was because Hollywood is kind of woke now and everybody's like mining their P's and Q's so I would never be in a slave movie because now you just have footage of you whipping a black guy saying the N word I'm like he could clip that up yeah but Roy Wood Jr. has a bit about how he likes those guys brilliant bit because because they're helping tell the story

So you get guys like Leonardo DiCaprio, you know, who's, by the way, great in Django. Oh, he's unbelievable. Unbelievable as candy. Good to see him in like against type, too. Yes. Sometimes you get a little typecast at a certain point. Yeah. When you're just always the leading man. Yeah. Roy's bit is so good. He's like everybody's like Tom Cruise does his own stunts. He's like, motherfucker, this guy said the N word next to Samuel L. Jackson. That's so good.

I mean, you replay that Tarantino, Sam Jackson scene, and you're like, this is all fine and good, except for the fact that he wrote it. That's when it becomes a little weird. Like when an actor, like, I'm just doing a part. I'm trying to pay my bills. Tarantino's like, I did the screenplay. Yeah. Are you talking about Dan Edwards' story? Yeah, where you're like, all right, this is... I mean, you rewatch that scene, and you're like, oh, boy. Yeah, that was a weird choice. It's a weird choice. Weird choice to take that role. Yeah.

It's like you could have any role in the movie. You're like, nah, this is the one I want. Yeah, you sure you don't want to be Vince Vega? Nah, nah, nah, no. I want the guy in the bathrobe who's scared of his wife. But his wife was black in the movie, which maybe helps him in some way. I'm sure he did that to fuck with the audience a little. Ah, Bonnie. I mean, the whole coffee thing in that movie, like, this good shit. He goes, I know it's good. I buy it myself, that whole thing.

I mean, look, it's a funny character. It's a great character, yeah. I love that line. That movie is so funny. There's so many... Goodfellas is hilarious, but Pulp Fiction when he goes...

hey, you gotta wash your hands. He goes, motherfucker, you watched me wash them. He's like, yeah, but when I was done, the rag didn't look like a motherfucking taxi, a maxi pad. I couldn't get it out. Dude, Samuel L. Jackson, that movie. Oh, he stole it. He stole it. I mean, Travolta's amazing too, but like Sam Jackson, that's like his, I mean, he's great in so many movies, but like we gotta...

Sam Jackson's greatness because he elevates every fucking movie he's in. He really does. And that just put him, he was always great, but that put him on the map. I mean, Bad Motherfucker, Wallet, Honey Bunny, Be Cool, Ringo. I mean, it's so good. Ezekiel 2517. So, okay, so we had to do a public speaking thing in high school. And I remember I was like, I'm doing Sam Jackson. And I did Ezekiel 2517. And then my friend went on and did it right after me, but he put on an Afro. Ah!

And everyone was like, well, that was way better. What the fuck? He stole your whole thing, though. He stole my whole thing. I hate that shit. Yeah. What are you going to do? He was better. He had the afro. Yeah, I dressed as Hulk Hogan one year for Halloween, and my friend was like, well, I'll do it, too. I'm like, what? No. Did he have a better costume? Kind of, yeah. I'm like, go be Owen Hart and kill yourself or something, you know?

Was it Owen Hart? Yeah. I was watching that pay-per-view live with my friends, and it was crazy. They just, like, pulled the camera away. Owen Hart was... He fucking died. Yeah. These wrestlers, man. Like... We bitch. We bitch. Their bodies... Like, we have to... My fucking body hurts from traveling. Imagine... These dudes are doing that with just wrestling and working out. Body slams. Hit you with a chair. All that shit. I hop on the elliptical, and I'm like, fuck. Fuck.

These dudes are doing real shit. I mean, yeah, that was, I remember when he died, I remember being like, what the fuck? I know. So they're just like, he did a stunt from the top, from the rafters. He was supposed to like come down and it broke. Is that what did? Yeah. I didn't even know that. Pull it up. One second. I didn't know he died that way. I thought he was an OD or something.

Oh, shit. Is this the actual? No, this is a fan attacking a wrestler. Oh, fun. Yeah. Man. All right, so what do you want to see? A passionate fan. I want Hart dying, yeah. It's hilarious. The wrestler's just doing the wrestling moves, and the guy's just like, yeah, this doesn't hurt. Yeah. This is fine.

He's like, boom. Yeah, the slam down on the floor. I never got wrestling. I got it. But you were Hulk Hogan for Halloween. You must have gotten it. Well, I just thought it was a funny thing. And he had the whole N-word scandal. So he was like hot again. This was then? That was recent. Yeah, it was probably like six years ago. Oh, really? Yeah.

But I never got, like, once I hit puberty, wrestling kind of fizzled for me. I probably liked it until I was, like, 17 or something. Oh, that's pretty late. 1871. All right. What are we doing here?

Here we go. $19.99. $84 million. This wasn't even like a WrestleMania. This is how much money this shit made even then. Yeah, right. Vince McMahon won't pay these motherfuckers health insurance. No. And he's making that kind of money. That shit's evil. Yeah. I mean, in his defense, that would be a crazy bunch of bills, though.

You got to give something, man. Of course. Think about how rich he is on their backs. I think you got to support the entertainers. I mean, why make the argument like...

You make the same argument like club owners don't have to pay comics. Right, right. You know what I mean? Like, we're the ones doing... We're the ones putting the bodies in seats. We're the ones, you know... Yeah. Was Vince McMahon a wrestler? No. Because he has that great look for owning a wrestling corporation. Well, he's shredded, dude. Like, imagine if he looked like Woody Allen. Dude, he's shredded. That's what I'm saying. It's just the perfect casting. Yeah.

Like, that just worked out, that he doesn't look like, you know, Andy Kiddler. He did when he was younger. Look at him up younger. He doesn't look that shredded. Okay, okay. He's on roids. I mean, it's, like, insane. Oh, all right. Just look up Vince McMahon ripped, and you're going to be like, what the fuck? You're too old to be this ripped. Yeah, he's kind of like a cartoon Dana White. Look at this shit. Wow. See, that's what I'm saying. That's fucking stupid. It's perfect casting.

He's all oiled up too. Yeah, he is. When he had that feud with Stone Cold, I mean, did you watch that at all? No, no. Dude, Matt, Peters, can we pull some of this up or are we going to get demonetized? It's fine. Pull up Stone Cold versus Vince McMahon. Is it real? No, but it's theater, baby. It's great. It's all theater. Yeah.

This is somehow gayer than Broadway theater. Yo, what's gayer? Singing a song in unison or just shirtlessly rubbing each other? Yes! Oiled up with pink tights on. Uh-oh, man, he was a phenom. Stone Cold? He changed the whole country. Oh, dude, he was getting hammered while he was doing it. He's in handcuffs. This is so funny. Look at this fucking guy. Come on!

This guy looks like he owns the club in Miami. Let's go. Let's get this under control. Heat, baby. Heat, baby. Uh-oh. He got the henchman. Locking the cage. Can't man watch the book. Can't right here in front of us. Oh, shit. He beat him out. Oh, my God. Oh, shit. Oh, he hit the boss. He's beating up the boss. Wow.

Wow. Oh, man. It's Shakespearean. Oh, my God, King. Uh-oh. Is this how Owen Hart fights it? All right. No, that's Kane. He's in politics now. What? I did Jim and Sam with him once. What? He does politics. He does something in some small city in Tennessee, I think. That's hilarious. He's like a mayor of some town in Tennessee.

I guess it's the same shit, you know, just getting people on your side, riling them up, beating the opponent. I thought it was weird when he opened his speech with, let me tell you something, brother. And then he hit the other guy with a chair. Yeah.

Well, I mean, Vince McMahon's wife ran for Senate, I think. I think she was pretty close. Connecticut, maybe? Connecticut, yeah. It was fucking wild. Yeah, I mean, don't forget Arnold was governor. Reagan was an actor. For sure. It's crazy. It's all bullshit. It's all bullshit. Jesse Ventura. Jesse Ventura.

AOC was in porn. So was Nancy Pelosi. Ooh, I heard she's got a... Nancy Reagan, did you hear this shit? I did. What's going on with Reagan? She was the throat goat of her day, they claim. Oh, just say yes. Throat goat. Everyone said she gave the best blowjobs. Wow. In Hollywood. It must have kept Ronald Young. Yeah. Yeah. The old gipper. Yeah.

She was the dipper. So this guy's running for governor of... Herschel Walker, though. He's a football player, right? Oh, a football player. No, this is his son. Uh-oh. And this is him yesterday complaining. Oh, but his dad is running. It's not... I thought it was him. Oh, really? Oh, maybe it's his son. No, I'm pretty sure it's Herschel Walker. So he's wearing a $1,200 Givenchy sweatshirt. Mm.

It looks like shit, too. Why is it $1,200? Just the brand name. He's blaming Biden for gas prices. Oh, wow. He's a conservative, eh? Yeah, yeah. Hershel Walker was at Trump's campaign. Oh, really? I don't follow the news. So he's... But he's in a $1,200 sweatshirt? That is pretty hilarious. That's funny.

I mean, look, he's got good comic timing. No one can take that away. Sure. The way he goes, disgusting. I hate you. Yeah. These are the debates you want to see. Yes. You want to put him against Hunter. Oh. That's the debate. Oh, yeah. You disgust me. You're trash. Hunter's like, look, you want a line? Let's just take it easy. Oh, shit. Speaking of, did you see that succession for now? Oh!

did I see that finale? I watched it twice. Oh,

You watched it twice? Well, I watched the back half twice because it was so moving. Dude, it's great TV. Great TV. So they did that New Yorker profile on Jeremy Strong. Did you read that? No. It got so much buzz. Is he Kendall? Yeah. So he won the Emmy last year. He's great. But they did a New Yorker profile on him and it got a lot of... It seemed like the guy who wrote it, it's really a funny piece, but it seems like the guy who wrote it had kind of a vendetta against him. I think they both went to Yale or something and he was a couple years younger and it seemed like he never liked him.

But Kendall, I mean, Jeremy Strong is like a journeyman actor. I mean, you kind of got to respect it. He's paid his dues. He's done a lot of small parts. But then he starts writing about his commitment. And there's parts where you're like, this is kind of hilarious. I guess he plays in one movie. He plays in the big short, as I recall. He's in the big short. He's in another Adam McKay movie, too. He's in two Aaron Sorkin movies. He's in...

Social network? No. I don't know. I'm sure you can look it up. It's a great picture, by the way. Yeah, it's a great picture. But, dude, he's obsessed with Dustin Hoffman. He almost bankrupted the theater company he was in because he got them to have Al Pacino come out to accept an award. He just wanted to meet Pacino. Ah, ha, ha.

But then they talked about these... He did some movie with Robert Downey Jr. I think it was... He plays like an autistic younger brother. And he showed up to a day he wasn't called to set and just cried in the background. Like he's that committed. He wants to make... Like, you know? Whoa. Oh, Molly's Game. Molly's Game. He's good at Molly's Game. It's a good movie. I never saw it. Is it good? Yeah, he directed it. I liked it. Idris Elba and Jessica Chastain. I liked it a lot. True story, I think. It's great. But then he's also in...

Fuck, what's it called? A movie... Oh, the new Aaron Sorkin movie. I didn't see it. The Trial of the Chicago 7. I saw it. And, well, he claims he... Like, they claim he wanted to be tear gassed, for real. Ah, he's method. Yeah, it was a quote from Sorkin who was like, look, I don't like saying no to Jeremy, but, you know, he... You know, I...

I'd have to tear gas like 250 people. So I had to, this is like literally what he's requesting. And he's like, no, I don't want to hurt you. But so like all these stories, it's like madness, his commitment to the craft. You've quoted Brian Cox who's on succession where he's like, I just wish he would take it easy on himself. It sounds like they're annoyed with how method he is.

But then also, you know, Aaron Sorkin released a letter being like, he's, I love him. Wow. You're making it sound like I'm trashing him. I think he's a great actor. I mean, he's used him in two movies, so clearly he likes him. So I think his cast seems like a little annoyed that he's so method, but like, you watch the show and you're like... He's incredible. The results are fucking amazing. Amazing. The crying scene, he's so layered. They had a scene in the latest season about him talking to a reporter, and he's like, you're not gonna...

fuck me up on this, are you? And she's like, no, no. And I wonder if that was a little nod to this. Wasn't that your thought, Mark, that like no one ever is a method actor who's like goofy. It's always like some serious guy who wants to get maced in the face. That was my point. That was your point. I had a bit about this. Like, he's never Rodney. He's like, he's method the whole time. Yeah, yeah. I had a bit about this back in the day. I never did anything with it, but it was like always someone like Brando. It's like, you never like, did you know for three months Rob Schneider was a European gigolo? That was one of the angles I had. It's always, yeah, but...

For sure. You know, these... There's a story they tell about Dustin Hoffman and Laurence Olivier. And Hoffman's like, I stayed up three nights for this role. And the famous Olivier quote is, my son, have you tried acting? That's the line. That's great. So it's like, yeah, there was a part of me... But like, look, it's hard not to respect the dude who takes this shit that seriously. But also...

You know, don't do it at the, you know, expense of your coworkers either. Of course, of course. Yeah, it makes everyone else uncomfortable. Yeah. Are you helping servicing the project by doing this? Did you see the, do you watch the show? I did not watch the finale yet. It's fucking, all I'll say is it's fucking excellent. It's fucking great.

This show gets better and better. Better and better. The writing is so realistic. You feel like it's happening and it's written. It's amazing. Jesse Armstrong is, I think he's like a fucking incredible writer. Yeah. That dude. I mean, he wrote Peep Show. Oh, that's right. Two different shows. Yeah, they're both great. So different. So great. It's Shakespearean. The whole thing, the twist, the turns, the corruption. It's incredible.

That's what this article says. They're saying he plays this as Hamlet. Yes. People think he's joking, but he's playing it as Hamlet. But that's why it's funny, because he's so serious. We laugh nonstop. I was dying laughing. Connor is so funny, too. And Rome has some great lines. But I don't know. Have you seen it?

No, actually. Oh, yeah. I'm a big fan. Buckle up, because it's a doozy. Joe List said, Billions is Successions for Retard. I like Billions, too. I've never watched Billions. Billions is good. I was on Billions. That's right. That's right. He stands by it for retards. It's good. It's really good. Soda is great on it. Our boy Dan Soda. Soda's on it, yeah. Damien Lewis, incredible on the show. It's really good. All right. All right. I'll try it again.

I like Giamatti. Oh, it's fun, dude. It's very New York. Yeah, yeah. Koppelman and Levine wrote Rounders. They're great. That's true. I love Rounders. No, I think Billions is fun, man. Every time I walk down the street with Soder, it's the black guys like, oh, shit, Billions. Black people love Billions.

Well, dude, Magic Johnson tweeted it was his favorite show. Same with Dominique Wilkins. All these NBA legends are like billions. It's kind of cool. Speaking of the thing with the method acting and the American gigolo, that's a great joke. I feel the same with trans. You never see a guy who transitions. I see him tightening right here. Oh, that's not bad. You never see someone transition into a woman and then be like a chick in a hoodie.

You know what I mean? It's always like a caricature of a woman. It's never like my girl walks around in jeans and a t-shirt, but you never see that. Not caricature, but like a bigger woman rather than like, you know. They hit the stereotypes. It's very feminine. It's very ladyish, you know. Well, if you just become a woman, you're going to want to enjoy it probably. Is that what it is? I think the sweatshirt is like a jaded woman. Yeah.

Who's like, I'm not going through the makeup. I think if you always wanted to be a woman or always felt you were a woman, right? You're going all the way. You're like, I'm going to be a woman. Why don't we ask the only woman in the room? Yeah, there's a lady here. I'm thinking there's got to be like weekends at home where Caitlyn Jenner is just watching Netflix. I guess you're right. And PJs. I mean, Scruffy probably. I don't know. Yeah, no, you're right. We see it on the outside. If you're a prominent trans person, you kind of have to bring it.

Right. You're representing your whole group. This is what I couldn't be. But like Elliot Page has a 12-pack, you know, and you're like, you had to go all shredded. You couldn't just be, you couldn't be a doughy, you couldn't be George Costanza. I feel body shame by her body. There you go. I see her 12-pack and I'm like, you had to do it that quickly? Aha. Good point. That's insensitive to this flabby Jew. That's a...

I saw a headline about him on CNN, and it was like, quit thirst-trapping Elliot. I was like, can you really write this about somebody on CNN? It's a weird for a news channel. Even weirder, it was Chris Cuomo. What are they doing right now? Cuomo's just having a big... They're suing CNN. Are they? I think he's going to get money, dude. For what? For firing him. I think they had just cause. We'll see. This is what lawyers do, right? I think he's trying to get 18 mil.

Oh, like what's left on his contract, maybe? I think so, yeah. Interesting. I think it's very possible he'll get something. I think he will, too, because he didn't do anything. Well, I mean, he didn't... Well, there was a sexual misconduct allegation. Oh, there was? Yeah. Also, his producer, like, did you hear about that shit? What happened? His producer was, like, grooming young girls. Lady or man? He's a guy. Ooh. And when you see his picture, you're going to be like, yep. Ooh. I don't like the profile, but take a look at this guy. He's no Ghislaine, huh? Ha ha ha.

So yeah, so he... He wishes he had her hair. Oh, really? This is our guy.

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We gotta figure out the height on the Cuomo brothers, because they vary. Sometimes Chris is taller, sometimes Andrew's taller. No, Andrew's taller. Look it up! I need numbers. Really?

Luring young girls. Luring is never good. Luring is never good unless it's on a fishing pole. It's never good. It's not good for the fish. There he is. The person being lured is never good. Look at this guy. Holy shit. So he invited a mom. That guy's bad news. He invited a mom and her daughter, and he was going to train them both in dominance. Wow. And the FBI got wind of it and was like, you're going to jail. Holy hell.

Yeah, CNN is like, can one of you guys not do any of this stuff? Oh, yeah. Now, Don Lemon's... I heard Don Lemon's in trouble, too. Yeah, it's bad news. I mean, here's the thing. You know it's just bad when Brian Williams is like, I'm walking away. Right, right. You know it's just bad when he's like, I'm out. Was he the guy who lied? He lied. Yeah, about the helicopter. Yeah. He pulled a Ranazizi on our ass. Oh, my God.

We got the white Smollett. I mean, Jussie, don't you feel that if he was like a slightly better actor, he would have gotten away with it? Like Denzel wouldn't have gotten caught. If it was Daniel Day-Lewis, you're like, he would have fucking... He would have pulled it off. You're telling me there will be blood Daniel Day-Lewis gonna duped us? You got a point. Do you see the thing, what made the cops suspicious of the story immediately?

was that he came home with his Subway sandwich after the assault. Oh, interesting. Yeah, and the cops were like, that's strange. First off, he eats Subway. Why would he do this to himself? This man clearly hates himself. This is the type of man who would hire people to beat the shit out of him. Right, right.

Wow. Subway is dog shit. Subway stinks. I got in a rest stop recently and I was like, this is the worst. This is worse than getting really beaten up by two dudes in MAGA hats. Yeah. That's how bad this is. Pour the bleach on me. I'd rather that. This is not real meat. Those sandwiches are worse than what Jared did. Ah! Get that clip! Uh.

Oh, man. Those are the worst. I knew they were lying to us when they tried to pass that shit off as avocado. I know, right? It comes out of a bag. It's all weird and neon. Yeah, the whole thing sucks. That bread is trash. Bread's trash. That's yoga mat bread. It is. It's styrofoam. Remember when we thought Subway was healthy? I ate it every day for like two years. Me too. I thought it was healthy. $5 filling. I get that chicken teriyaki. Woo!

Can I get another one of these or is that crazy? I was trying to signal you. Oh, sorry. Let's do that live read from Subway now. Eat fresh. Quiznos is way better than Subway. Agreed. Of the big three in the wars of sandwiches, blimpy, Quiznos, uh,

Jersey Mike and Subway's. Jersey Mike's is pretty terrible, I think. I don't know Jersey Mike. It's pretty bad. What, you're not going to throw Jimmy John a bone? Oh, Jimmy John, too. I say Quiznos is the best, and Jimmy John's the second best of those, to me. What do you think? Interesting. Quiznos, it's weird because Subway is the most popular.

Isn't that weird? That's kind of a... They were great at advertising. They were. The Jared thing was smart. Remember Clay Henry, too? Remember that? Look up Clay Henry jingle. He got real big on burger and fries, and now he's down to a smaller size. Clay Henry. See how good that advertising is? That was years ago. I remembered that shit. It stuck in. That's good advertising. That's great jingle writing. Is the jingle dead, by the way? No. Okay. I love a good jingle. Clay Henry. He's a fireman.

Columbia, South Carolina. There he is. I was there one night. Joe DeRosa. What's that? You don't remember this? No. Oh, this was big. This made Subway. Put him on the map. They really should have stuck with him instead of Jared. I know, right? A fireman? Some guy in the boardroom was like, no, we got to ride this Jared thing out. Are you sure? Clay Henry's a fireman. They're like, nah.

Jared. Jared did do his thing. Wait, that sounds bad. He did, you know, make them huge for a while. That didn't sound good either. They should make an HBO show about Jared. It's like the real Jared where he's just like doing tours and being like, you guys too can lose weight. Cut to a hotel room. Oh, fuck. He's snorting out of a diaper. Oh, my. He's got a rattle. He's doing lines with the Monopoly money rolled up.

Oh, fuck. It's your move. This is a dark F. Oh, yeah. This is going to get us in trouble. We're going to lose some ads, huh? Yeah. What about... Quiznos is great. Quiznos is fucking... I remember a tell I used to have a joke about a guy in the Middle East. I don't remember his name. It was something with a lot of Q's, U's, and I's. I called him Quiznos. Oh.

Yeah, it's just like comedy, though. The most popular people are never the best. For sure. Same with the sandwiches. Yeah, we're Quiznos, baby. No, it's hilarious, man. That subway is just trash. And it's everywhere. Everywhere. It's going to be going downhill because I feel like hoagies are not as hot.

as they were. They were hot for a while. New Yorkers, we still eat sandwiches. But why would you go to Subway when you can literally, for basically the same money, go to any corner bodega and get a way better sandwich? A turkey on a roll at any corner store bodega in New York is better than Subway. We're a sandwich culture in New York. Oh, yeah. We like our sandwiches. I'll get a good... Dude, I have a corner store. It's one of those little mini grocery stores. What's your go-to sandwich, though? I do... I mix it up, man. I like doing...

Like a turkey Reuben. I think they call it a Rachel, but I don't fucking play that. Why do I have to order a Rachel? Fuck you. I like turkey with Thousand Island or Russian with coleslaw, Swiss, melted. I'll do that. I go toasted rye all day. I also like a little just turkey cheddar, mayo, a little lettuce tomato. I'll fucking keep it simple. How about you guys? Yeah, yeah. I mean, turkey. Well, first of all...

American cheese and Russian dressing is great, and it's good for the country. You know, it's good for politics. Let those two come together. No more Cold War. Cold sandwich. Cold cuts. Cold cuts. Yeah, cold cuts, not Cold War. So I'm with you. Russian dressing is so underrated. I'm so with you. It's so good, dude. This is a New York thing. They chop the beef.

Chopped beef or minced beef? What do you call that? Chopped cheese. Chopped cheese. Yeah, it's basically just a burger. Oh, I love chopped cheese. It just has its own flavor. That's a bodega thing. They're good. What are you going? You grew up in the L.E.S.,

Yeah, I used to do Katz's before it became very commercial. But it's still great. But I was there since I was like a child. But those knishes are still cash money. If I'm nearby in a winter knish, get the fuck out of here. What's your sandwich though? I like turkey, brie, and honey mustard. That's like my go-to. That's great. That's a great sandwich. You went full white girl on that one. The Jew is coming back out. Yeah, exactly.

Sally, what's yours? I do like a chopped cheese, but you can't eat that every day. No. Yeah, it's like once a month, so just a regular turkey sandwich. I like turkey, too. Chicken breast I could fuck with, too. Sure. Egg sandwich. You know what else is big in New York is that bacon egg cheese. Just on a roll in the morning. That breakfast sandwich. It's classic. Classic. That with a cup of coffee. Woo! Get that shit in a croissant, too, if you want to be a bad little boy. Oh, come on!

We're in everything bagel. Holy shit. Oh, my God. You're talking crazy. What a... Oh, man. I got a good rec for you. This ties right into my rec. Hit me, baby. All right. This is a good rec, I think. And if Norman's going to fucking love it. Oh! Winter soups. Hey! In New York, they hit different. If you live in a cold city in the winter, winter soups hit different. Like, if you get, like...

Fuck, a lentil or something in Mamoon's. Or you get a good chicken noodle or a fucking... Hey, man, some ramen. Who gives a fuck? Maybe some... My personal favorite, borscht. A hot borscht. Love a hot borscht. Holy shit. Cold borscht, not...

so much for me, but a hot borscht all day long. Get the fuck out of here. Look, I like cold, chilled, chilled gazpacho. You think you understand this shit? If you're in a warm climate right now, chilled gazpacho. Get out of here. You're fooling yourself.

Soup is not supposed to be refreshing. You're supposed to go, ah. Yes, it's hearty. It should be warming to the soul. You're supposed to react to a soup similarly to the way you come. You're supposed to be like, ah. Yeah, not like, ah. It's chilly. Come on. Yeah, good call. I mean, a tortilla soup, a chicken vegetable, a matzo ball. Cheese and soup. Cheese and soup. French onion. That's all it is. Oh, yeah? Matzo ball? Salka.

The Jew's bag, baby. It's coming out. Wait till after later when I drink a little bit more and then I'll be Puerto Rican again. There you go. Soba de tortilla.

See? Fucking good. That's the way to do it. Jew in the streets, Puerto Rican in the sheets. Yes. That's right. Get your bills paid and then party. Yeah, soups are good. Did you send, my agent sent me a bunch of soups for Christmas. You know, your agent sends you like, you know, Christmas. Was that you? No. Okay, because my agent's been calling around like, hey, what is Mark like?

And I got eight gallons of whiskey. So I was like, no more booze. I don't have booze. And somebody said, get the motherfucker some soup. And they nailed it.

What kind of soups? They got me these jars of soup. You know, some lady in upstate New York makes her own batch and all that shit. Give me what kinds. Oh, I can't think of the name of it. Oh, but we got a... It was four of them. It was minestrone. Classic. It was clam chowder. It was... Manhattan or New England? I think it was New England. I hate to say it, but there's one area where Austin beats us. Totally. And I hate to admit it, but a good sport knows when we've lost. Yeah.

And New York's better than Boston, but you guys do a better clam chowder and lobster roll. Interesting. And I think it's fair to say what we've lost. That's very noble. It's big of you. 2004 playoffs. Fuck the fuck that shit. Pedro throwing Don Zimmer. Eat shit, dude. Fuck, that was disrespectful. You're not...

Saying when the best team won that year. They were a good team. David Ortiz was more clutch than A-Rod. That was a problem. Oh, sorry. What's the guy's name? Paul? No. O'Neal? Not Paul O'Neal. What's the guy with the long hair? Johnny Damon? Johnny Damon. Johnny Damon.

That guy turned coat on the Red Sox. He did? Yeah, he came here. He was a very patient hitter. I still love baseball. Yeah, there he is. Come on. What a man. What a fucker was in the Geico commercials. What a pull. That's amazing. He hit a grand slam on us in game seven. He fucking raped our mothers right in front of us. Oh, yeah. I was watching that in college, and it was a big deal. That was brutal. Oh, yeah.

But yeah, soups. Hot soups. Hot soups all day. Get that chilled shit out of here. Good rec. I'll even fuck with a good miso, man. Love a miso. Love hot and sour. Love egg drop. Bring them all on. Egg drop's some shit.

You got a favorite? I do, but it's in L.A. And it's a chain, actually. I got it in Atlanta. It's just called Jinya Ramen. Jin? J-I-N-dash. Yeah, we got gin. No, Jin Ramen. Oh, there is? It's different, though. It's Jinya. It's crazy good. You get like a creamy broth. It's, oh, dude.

It's on another level. You get some fucking nice sauteed broccolini in there. You get your little, they put like those special eggs. I don't even know how they're cooked. It's not quite poached. It's like not quite hard boiled. I don't know what the fuck it is. I know what you mean. But holy shit, it gets all the pussies wet and all the dicks hard. That's all I know. Ginia. Yeah, dude. I wonder what that means. What does ginia mean? I don't know. Let's look it up.

dumb jew i'm like wow that's crazy let's see jinya popularity oh sorry wait wait jinya oh a type of administrative headquarters oh so it's kind of like hey we're the soup capital yes okay that's clever all right we're talking about a bigger progress than ramen that we talk about progress in this country ramen and weed

Weed was a gateway drug. It was a fucking, you know, reefer madness. And it went and put you in jail. It was illegal. And now weed is like medical. It's business. It's huge. It's crazy that there are people in jail for selling weed. I know. And it's like, can you imagine being in jail for selling weed and then there's just legal weed? It's insane.

It's kind of fucked. They got to let them out. Let them out. Let them out and give them a weed business. You know, like we should give them something. Yeah, they were trailblazers. Yeah. Literally and figuratively. Played basketball for the NBA. Yeah, dude. That's great. That was their team. They were nicknamed the jailblazers because they were all high as shit. They were all doing this. Man, it was a really cool team though.

And then think about ramen was like, I went to public school. It was like, you know, a bunch of poor kids and they all had their ramen. They would eat it hard. He remember that? Yeah. I've done. It's gross. It's gross, but it was like, yeah, it was jail. We all were just snacking on that shit. We were, they were 11 cents. You know, you got a shrimp. I got chicken. I got spicy beef.

And it was great. Chicken was the best. Chicken was the best, yeah. Shrimp was weird. But now ramen is this upscale genia, there's an egg in it. Yeah, it's good, man. I like it, man. Especially if you're sick. If you're sick for a week, you get real tired of chicken noodle soup. I don't want to only call chicken noodle soup when I'm sick. It turns into a fucking... It's an unhealthy dynamic.

Why am I only showing up when things are bad? You're a good soup. I'm abusing the relationship here. Good point. Let's mix it up. I'll get some other soups. I like a little hot and sour. Cleans up the sinuses. Yes. I like a little ramen. Delightful. Get your protein still. Tom Yum has nothing to sneeze at either. Yeah, that's all right. Oh.

I love a tum yum. It's that weird flavor. It's got the mushrooms in it, the chicken. Mushrooms are underappreciated. Good mushroom barley soup. Woo! That's a great soup. Mark's a slurper, dude. Yes. Motherfucker. This motherfucker slurps like he lives in Asia. Yeah, I got my half, one lip on the bowl, one lip on this broth. Fff.

Oh, I bring it right to the mouth. How about this move? How about just drinking it like it's a glass of tea or something? You got to give it a few spoons. You can't go right to the tea. Yeah, you got to eat that pussy a little bit before you're going for the fuck, right? Exactly. Get it all hot and steamy. You got to get out of here.

Does that do anything come on for warmth? Yeah, really? Oh Shit, oh, I like those. Oh, hey, man, so I just I have one of those for my neck I just it was I don't I'm a big scarf guy But I like the thing that you pulled down over your head. It's that material Whoa, I lost it broke my heart left in a fucking hotel room somewhere God knows where you forget where even are I order it can't find on Amazon. So I'm like, you know what this

This is a good sign. I'm going to go elsewhere. I shouldn't be so reliant on Amazon. They're an evil corporation. Good for you. Jeff Bezos lets these motherfuckers die. He's sending Michael Strahan from the Giants to space. He's letting these warehouse workers drop dead. He doesn't give a fuck. Fuck Amazon until I need them. And anyway, I order that thing from Dick's Sporting Goods. What happens? This is going to be here like two weeks ago. I get an email from Dick's. There's been a delay. Yeah, Dick's, there has. Fuck you. I'm out. We're done. Oh.

Holy shit. I tried. I gave it a chance. It wasn't meant to be. Well, hey, I mean, you got to keep up. We're used to just immediate satisfaction. Give it to me right here. Put it right in my ass. Jizz on my face. And then, hey, if you're not ready, I'm not jerking that dick. Dick. Hello, dicks. You were supposed to jizz on my face. Yeah, I need it now. Well, if you don't know what that means, then I don't want to do business with you. Okay? Yeah, it's like a horned up chick. She's like, come over right now and fuck me. And you're like, oh, actually, I'm helping some Girl Scouts. Well, if you don't come over now, it's over. You're like, no.

And then you start hitting the Girl Scouts. You fucking, what the fuck happened in that scenario? I used to help the Scouts. You fucking beat them up? Yeah. There was something like, you ever with your girl and you order food and it gets, you start fooling around and then the food gets there and you're thinking about the food. Fuck.

Of course, of course. And you're kind of like, look, I want to do this, but look, I can come in 30 seconds. I mean, we're waiting on you here. Yeah, good point. The women are really, you're waiting on the women. Yeah, you got to preheat the oven. Got to preheat the oven. Right, whereas you're a microwave. I'm a microwave. 400, 30 seconds. Let's do this. So that is the thing where you're like, all right, but hey, man, food's still hot. You still get the little thing. Pull the steam off.

There's no better feeling than having sex and then you're done. You both come. You sit on the couch.

You open some Chinese. Oh, that is nice. Yeah. I like it. Yeah, that's good stuff. And it's kind of nice because now they just leave the food outside your door. Whereas back in the day, you had to open it with like a hard-on tucked in your fucking shirt. You tuck it in your underwear line, you know? And you're just like, what do you want? And they're like, sorry. You're like, ah, fuck, I'm coming. Sorry. Sorry.

Oh, he's like, oh, I thought I had the egg roll. That's like a fucking National Lampoon's movie. Like, I should I can't control it. You just jizz all over the delivery man. These movies are so bad. Speaking of which, you mentioned Strahan's going to space. Yeah. Space is now the new. That's how bad he didn't want to watch the Giants. But space is the new Playboy Club.

You know, before it was like, hey, this guy's so famous. He's going to a Playboy party at the Playboy mansion. Oh, shit. Now it's space. Yeah. Either way, you're going to see Shatner. I'll tell you this, too. You're right. It's a new Playboy club. Or Black Hole. I had to squeeze it in.

I mean, it is interesting that you're totally right, man. It's the new exclusive thing. It's it. Playboy Club now is like... Although maybe people get canceled for going to space in like 40 years. Oh, yeah. He went to space when people were suffering. That'll be the new thing. Right. Well, it's not inclusive. You know, it's been like a handful of people. It's not exactly like...

you know open bar over there there's maybe maybe we'll go to mars and there'll be like martians with three tits and it'll be the really the new playboy club you'll be like dude she'll fucking go out going back with this martian right you got dude she got three three tits four mouths and you're like whoa you calling friends get over here i don't want to waste the hole yeah the space grotto damn dude um

Do you have a peeve? Yeah, yeah. Well, we opened the show by talking about drunks at the Comedy Zone. Great club. Great club. And Ted's a great guy who runs it. Great guy. We got drunk on Saturday. Really? Just me and him in a green room just going at it. It was great. I had that in Arizona stand-up live with Matt Coleman who runs it. We were just at a bottle of wine. I was like, you're going to make me drink all this wine alone? Yeah. We're just downing it. Oh.

Oh, yeah. I love those nights. Great night. He didn't drink with us. We had to coax him a little bit, but good dude. Keeps it real. He's like a comic. Yeah, he's a good dude. Great guy. And what was I going to say? What was that? Oh, my peeve. So here's my peeve. And this is a little inside baseball. It's comedy shit. But I got to say, to all the comics out there, enough with the...

Oh, you guys aren't laughing. I guess you're not drunk enough yet. I'm so sick of that line. First of all, you don't have to be drunk to laugh. You know, you're laughing. You're laughing. You guys aren't hammered.

I remember a lot of memories on the playground with eight-year-old kids at school. We were all laughing. Nobody was drinking. Mark, they were shit-faced. They were faking it. They were. No, I know what you mean, dude. We've been laughing the whole time. We have been drinking, honestly. That's true. I look at Mark goes, you guys are all laughing. We've been drinking the whole show. That's what I pointed to them.

but no you're totally right i mean that's like it's like a stock line it's a stock line and it's just so much it's so not true it's so false like you can laugh like you go to a theater you go see les mis and there's a funny line in a master of the house keeper of the inn and you're laughing but you're not like i need a cocktail you know it's just funny yeah funny funny but uh

Yeah, I get what they're saying, though. Like, you're not loose enough is what they're saying. I get that. Like, you're too, you know, you're stiff. You need to be real. There's a real critique on the comic, though. I agree. Of course. You have to be drunk to appreciate this. Sure. Yeah, so he's really insulting himself. I don't. Yeah. I mean, when I'm watching a comedy at home, I can laugh. Of course. I was watching The Office on a flight, and I was laughing. Oh, by the way, though, I'm next to these two guys on my flight back.

the loudest gay couple on the planet. They couldn't be louder. And it's like, you know, it's early. I'm tired. And they're just like, they're like, oh, stop it. Oh, come on. I'm just like, oh, God, you're killing me. And of course, they throw on a show and I'm like, well, at least I'll quiet down now. It's Veep. And after every line that you could just tell, they're like, oh, God.

What is this, Bravo Air? What party are you on? Holy hell. It was every line. This is brutal. Imagine them fucking. Jesus Christ. That's how much they're reacting to a TV show. You haven't heard the rest of the story. Mile high. I heard one of them jerking off in the bathroom. This isn't virgin. All right.

I was like, you're killing me. You're killing, I was so, you're in those flights where you're just texting your girlfriend and you're just like, gay dudes, loudest laughs ever, killing me. Ah, don't get caught with that text. Are you secretly like, jealous of their lives though? Um,

I'm jealous that they feel good in that moment. I'm very irritable when I fly because, you know, I'm in pain a lot of the time. I don't sleep enough. Yeah. But then, yeah, like I'm jealous that they're enjoying their time. Yeah. Of course. But also I'm like –

Literally, I'm looking... And also, Gary Veeder switched seats with me. Oh. So, I was like, all right. Because he was like... I accidentally booked a flight to JFK and to LaGuardia. He's like, we should be on the same flight. I was like, fuck it. Let me try to change it. So, we hit the airport. I change it. And then he's like, ah, you didn't get comfort. He's like, let's switch. Because I was like, ah, he's a nice guy like that. Then he's in the back. He's like, yeah, well, I got the last row. It wasn't great for me either. I'm having dudes fucking wave shit in my face. They're opening the door. But, you know...

But Vitor's so... I mean, look, it sucks being a short guy. You know, it's hard to get laid. No one respects you. You're pretty much worthless. But it sucks. He's married. He gets laid. No, I'm joking. But no one does respect him. No, no, no. But in an airplane, his feet aren't... He's coming on soon, this podcast. Oh, yeah, we got to get Vitor on. But his feet don't even hit the floor on an airplane. So it must be nice. Every seat's extra leg room. You're always in first class. You're 4'1".

enjoy that Gary I got a good story for V about Vitor we're on the road in Miami and uh

What's cool about Miami is wherever you go, you can get a Cuban coffee. Like even the chain places. What makes it a Cuban? It's just way stronger. Oh, great. It's really strong, which I love. It's sweeter too. More what? The Cortado. Cortado. Yeah. Yeah, it's really good. But we get it. And we're at a Dunkin' Donuts. And Vitor, this is one, I've never seen this before. We go in there. It's like there's not a lot around us. So we walk into Dunkin' Donuts. I'm like, you know I'm like a caffeine addict. I'm like, I need my coffee. We walk in.

And I'm like, I'm dying. I just need to wake up a little. I'm fucking fading. And then the guy's just, he's literally making like 12 sandwiches. And we're like, what the hell is he doing? We've been waiting there for like seven minutes. And we're like, what is he doing? We look at each other. I'm like, hey man, can we just get a coffee? And he goes, I got the biggest order ever. I just got to get this order done. And I'm like, you can just pour us a coffee in between. No one's even here. It's a very big order. And Gary like loses. He goes, this is insane. He goes,

what are you fucking kidding me? He's like, you can't pour us two fucking coffees. Gary loses it. I can see that. I'm like, well, how long are you going to be? He goes, at least another 15 minutes. I was like, there's no one here. There's no one here. Gary's like, this is fucking outrageous. And the guy goes, sir,

Sir, I specialize in customer service. I live to please the customer. And I'm just like, I don't know. So Gary's like, fuck you. Was it Che Guevara coming in there? Who's this fucking sandwich for? Castro? So we're leaving. Gary's like, fuck this guy. He's losing it. He's so angry. And then we walk around the lot. And it was like, yeah, there's no other coffee. Did you go back in? We went back in. I was like, Gary, we got to go back in. You should have put the order in before you left.

Two blacks. And he leaves. And you come back. We walk back in and Gary's like, I'm not doing it. I'm like, let's just go back in. We'll apologize. I'm like, you were really the rude one. He's like, all right, I'll apologize. And

And then we walk in and Gary's like, we're very sorry. He goes, no, I'm sorry. He's like, I live to please customers. Customer service my whole life. I live to please you guys. We're like, thank you. He goes, just a few more minutes. I'll make you a special coffee. I'm like, no, just a regular coffee is fine. He's like, no, I'll make it special. You're going to spit in it. Exactly. He literally takes a while. They're foaming. He brings them out and I'm just looking at him and he's like, I made these with love. Oh, he came in. Yes. Worse than spit. You can't drink that. Gary looks at me and he just, he shakes his head. He's like, no.

We're making this skit. We're making this skit. Yeah, it's funny. He's like, no. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, man. I don't want. I'm like, thank you very much. We walk out. We just dump it in the garbage. I'm like, what the fuck do we do for coffee now? We just burnt a half hour for nothing. But you got the story. Brutal. So did you find coffee? We got like a shitty one at the hotel. Oh, that stinks. What are you going to do? Man, that's a peeve.

It's a very specific beef. Yeah, but I got a beef for you. You go to Chipotle, you go to, you know, Just Salad, whatever it is, Quiznos. The online orders have now dominated the guy in the room. You go into Chipotle and you go, the guy's making 18 burritos. I'm like, hey, hey, I'm here. And he's like, hold on, I got 38 Grubhubs coming. And you're like, well, what about me? I'm here. Yeah.

You know, it's like your girlfriend texting and you're like, I'm here. Talk to me. And you're eating her pussy. I know. I'm fucking texting. Your face is all lit up. Yeah. I'm like, hey, hey. I'm the one with the bib on. Yeah, it's tough. It's like Grubhub is dominating now the live customer. You don't see a lot of bibs anymore.

Lobster is the last bib. Lobster is the last bib. I'll tell you, man. Love a lobster bib. Love a lobster bib. You're in heaven. It's funny because the food is so expensive that it allows you to look like trash. Because it's a good juxtaposition. You're right. You could go eat at Denny's with a bib on. You'd look like a psycho. But if it's lobster, they go, well, you can afford lobster. So he's on the up and up. For sure. That's a fun thought. Yeah.

Lobster, man. If you get it the right way still, there's nothing bad. I know it was like peasant food back in the day. Oh, yeah. You know, Boston, if you go to like one of those or Maine or if you're right off the water. The best. You get a good lobster roll or a good lobster fork. I mean, you do have to work hard for it. A lobster is kind of like a woman where you're just like, she's like, it's going to be eight dates.

But then that eighth night, you're like, oh, this is good. And it smells of the sea. But put lobster on my list. Ramen, lobster, weed. They all started from nothing. And they turn to this expensive, high-end thing you consume.

I love it. Yeah, yeah. Lobster. What do you think? Lobster claw is underrated too. Yeah, I found this place in Rhode Island where they just give you like lobster cubes and they fry them up. They like take the best of it. Fry lobster? Yeah.

That's so good. It's like nuggets. Kind of like a nugget. It is so fucking good. Lightly fried? Lightly fried. Okay. Lightly fried. Flash fried. Yes. And, I mean, we went there every day for this. Almost every meal. Do you make deep fried avocado at this place? I was like, what the fuck are you doing deep frying avocado? You don't have to make avocado any better. Exactly. It's fine. It's perfect. Yeah. Nothing like getting that pit out. Don't you love that? I feel like a magician when I hit that with a knife and then you...

Oh, it's a great feeling. Deep-frying lobster is like getting fake tits when you already have amazing tits. There you go. Oh, fake tits. We have the fake tits. Oh, you left it here, Mark? I forgot it, yeah. I thought that was going to be like your travel companion there. I came, so I thought I needed it. I finished. What's your rec? Oh, yeah. What is my rec? Well, my rec sucks. I feel bad, but I'm reading a book. What's the book? I'm reading a book called

Look this up. It's called, what's it called? I'm wrong so much I don't want to be right. Bernie Brillstein's book. Oh, wow. It's incredible. He was a legend. Legend. Agent. He was a comedy agent in like the 80s, 90s, and recently, but he died. He still has a company, though. Yeah. Brillstein.

What is it called? I can't think of the name. Something about... Where'd I Go Right? Where'd I Go Right. That's it. Where'd I Go Right. And it talks about him growing up in New York and then him, his dysfunctional family is

is like fucked up and crazy, but it's perfect for comedians. So he learned how to deal with crazy people young. So he went right into comedy and it was a perfect transition. Wow. And it's a great book. New York guy, Jewish guy, went to LA, does the whole thing, mail room at William Morris, all that. It's like the archetype story and just became the best. It's crazy. It says perfect transition and it's from Elliot Page right there. Perfect. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. No, that's great. No, no, he's a legend. I've heard so much about him. So this is a great rec, Mark. He had everybody. You know, he had Sandler at one point and then he had Mel Brooks. And I'm talking about. Mel Brooks is a book out. Oh, does he? Yeah. He does the audio book too. Oh, he's one of those guys. We're lucky to still have. It's like 15 hours, which in your 90s, you're like, that's a big commitment. Yeah. Well, he's still working. That guy is still going.

Yeah, legend. Legend. Read an article about how he met. I don't know if it was in the New York Magazine or New Yorker. I forgot. It might have been New York Magazine.

How he met Anne Bancroft. He met her by heckling her at a show where she was singing. You've heard this story? It was in New York Magazine. In New York Magazine. My wife works there. It's a great story. She did that story. It's great. Yeah, it's a great story. Beautiful photo, too. Really? Let's see it. Okay. Wow. He heckled her at the show. She's way out of his league, by the way. Yeah, for sure. And he was like, oh, man. And she goes, and who the hell are you? He goes, oh, I'm a nobody. And she goes, oh, I know who you are. I have your tapes. Whoa. 2,000-year-old man.

So he literally heckles her singing and she was like, oh, I know you. Then he wouldn't leave her alone. Yeah. He literally stalked her. But it was like back when stalking was okay. It was normal. That was Tinder. Without dating apps and DMs, that's how you met women back in the day. You just harassed them relentlessly. Right. You were persistent. I did at the gym. There you go. You see? That's all you had. Oh, that's a beautiful photo. Wow. They're adorable. Look at that. She still looks good, by the way. She's dead, dude. Yeah.

Are you kidding me? She died like a long time ago. Really? Who am I thinking of? I don't know. Ellen Mirren. Oh, yeah. She looks great. She looks great. She looks great. She looks great. She died a long time ago. Ellen Mirren? No. Oh. No. I get that mixed up. This topic. Wait. This is Mrs. Robinson, right? Yes. Yes. Dead. She died? Dead. 15 years ago of ovarian cancer or something like that. Woo. I mean. Fun fact. You know how old she was as Mrs. Robinson?

36. That was a MILF back then. That was a MILF back then. I'm 38. Me too. Yeah, you're over the hill. You've done.

But no, you still look great. But it's funny that that was the... The MILF? The MILF. Like, oh, she's an old lady, 36. Now MILF is like 67. You're like, how does that even... I know. I don't know how the math works, but I guess... Jane Fonda looks amazing. You still at it? Oh, fuck yeah. I mean, for the story. Hell yeah. Grace and Frankie. You're the Frankie.

Yeah, she looks great. I mean, I'm worried about her. I'm like, hey, lady, get out of the Botox place for one minute, will you? But she looks good. Yeah. Hanging in there. She's lucid. She's still acting. Full head of hair. Legend. Can I give a rec? Sure, please. Licorice pizza. Is it good? So fucking good. Ronan hated it. Hated it? Licorice pizza. Dude, it's Paul Thomas Anderson. Oh!

Oh, sorry. I've been drinking. I thought that was a food. I was like, you kids with your weed and your gummies. No, Ron, our boy, it was like, it's not good. What is he talking about? I can't wait to see it. I'm dying to see it. He's a movie buff.

Self-proclaimed. Ronan is one of my best friends. He's a fucking hater, dude. He's a hater. He hates anything unless it's miserable. He'll like Florida Project, which I love. And we've got to get Simon Rex on the show because he's gotten all kinds of Oscar buzz for Red Rocket, his new movie that director's new. An article about him in New York as well. I would love to get Rex on. I'm happy for the guy. A very nice guy. And it's cool that he's getting the show out, how good an actor he is. Definitely. I did his pod.

Me too, man. Oh, so yeah, we got to get him on. He loves us.

Yeah, I saw him at the Cellar the other night. You saw him, too. Yeah, I saw him, too. He was the biggest laugher in the room that night. Well, I needed this. Licorice Pizza, Paul Thomas Anderson. Where do you watch it? Lincoln Center. So it's in theaters. Yeah, 70 millimeter projection. Nice. I hear it's great. It's like 70s ecstasy. Critics, I mean, Ronan hated it, but critics say it's great.

What's with Ronan? I can't even see something not to like about this. Ronan hated Whiplash. Oh, okay. He's a fucking hater. He's a hater. I liked it so much, I came home from the theater and watched Hard 8 with Stacey. I was like, now we've got to watch this. I've never seen Hard 8. It's good. It's really good. Casino flick, right? What's that? Casino flick? Yes, yes. And it's John C. Reilly and Philip Baker Hall. And what's her name?

Melissa Leo. No. Damn. That was the cooler. Yeah. Oh. No, that was Maria Bello. Ah, that's what I meant. The cooler's good. The cooler's really good. Maria Bello was hot, dude. Oh, so hot. Hey, I had a joke about William H. Mason not being the lead. He's the lead in that fucking movie. Exactly. He carries it. And guess who the supporting actor is? Baldwin. That's right. I think he got an Oscar nom for that shit. But I mean, hey, William H. carries Fargo.

Oh, yeah. He's amazing. He's always supportive, but no, he's an amazing actor. It's Gwyneth Paltrow and Sam Jackson. He also, the scene where Alec Baldwin's actually, he's beating the shit out of someone, he actually lost control and really beat the shit out of them. He actually shot someone. He lost control and shot someone too. That was a joke I was making. Oh, I'm sorry. That was a joke. I'm triggered. All right. It's a loose cannon. What can I say? Okay. What, uh...

Wait, what were we talking about? You said something? Licorice pizza? Yeah, before that. I'm dying to see it, dude. Boogie Nights is one of my favorites. Really? I would like to see that as well. We should make a Patreon app where we go to that and get some popcorn. Let's do it. Why did I just say man day? Man cave, man day. Let me blow my fucking head off real quick.

I wanted to bring you another little treat of something else. Oh, no. More booze? Because you know the Patron guys love you, obviously. And this is a neat pour of their new Añejo that's aged two and a half years in sherry barrels. Oh, God. Extra Añejo. We don't have to shoot him. All right. Jamie works with liquor, I should tell you that, at home. Jamie, we love you. Thank you so much. I just wanted you to try that new thing. That's just a little extra treat for you. All right. Thank you. Here, I have one for you, too.

Just have a sip, Matt. To the bartender. Just dip your nose in it, dude. I'm going to drink plenty of this. There's a fascinating scent. It tastes like a whiskey. That's weird. It's very bitter.

Because it's a dry sherry barrel that it's aged in. Whoa, that is fascinating. No kick, really, either. It doesn't have that, like... It's smooth, right? Yeah. Dry sherry, worst porn name ever. Sally's back! No kick, dead baby. All right. This is good. That would be good in, like, Manhattan or an old-fashioned. Really? Yeah, this is pretty interesting. It's now... I think it took a couple sips because it's not what I was expecting. It's pretty damn good. You can get it in an old-fashioned, actually, now in a bar room, I believe. Wow.

It's like one of the... Some of the bars are already doing it. It's an Añejo. Yeah. Tequila. Mm-hmm.

Fried Patron. Añejo is the good stuff. Yeah. If you get a tequila, Añejo is... Yeah. Oh, I thought the silver was good because there's no hangover. Just tell us the price. That's how I know if it's good or not. It's up there. It's up there. Patron is good stuff though, right? Oh, yeah. All right. That's all I drink now. Yeah. I mean, I love scotch. I love whiskey. I love bourbon. But Patron, it's just clean. One lime squeeze. You're good. Maybe a splash of soda and the hangover is pretty easy. Yeah.

Yeah, do a lot of wine on the road. Do a lot of vodka on the road because it's just, you know, it's simple. Yeah, it is. But you do get, sometimes you go too hard the night before and you do feel that like low, that depressive shit. Oh, yeah. But wine, no club has good wine, I feel like. Dude, some of these clubs just get it for me. Oh, okay. They'll just do the natural shit and it's like the hangover is nothing for that. Really? It's the natural stuff. That natural is good. Yeah.

Orange wine. Speaking of clubs getting stuff for you, what are your riders? Can you tell us about that? Good question. What's in your contract that a club's got to have for you? I don't. I'm not a rider guy. I'm ride or die. You know, I just show up. I do my jokes. I get drunk. I leave. I high five everybody. I call them a horrible slur and I run out the building. I didn't have a rider until I worked with Gary Veeder and he was like, you don't have a rider. He's like, you could be getting a rider. Yeah.

And he was like, you need to have fresh fruit in here. And I was like, all right, fresh fruit. You heard all these horror stories about Eddie Griffin comes in and he demands a new pair of Jordans and he doesn't even take them. He just makes you get them and all that. Or he'll dunk them in the fucking champagne ice bucket afterwards. Yeah. I don't love that. So I was like, I don't want to be that guy. I want to be like just the guy who comes in, give me a cup of coffee and a beer. Coffee, fruit. You could be walking out with a bottle to something every night. Coffee. Yeah, but you can't fly with it anyway. Coffee, fruit, and...

Pepto. Damn. Because the club's got the booze, so I don't really need booze. Exactly. But if they offer, some clubs just give you like a bottle of whiskey or wine, and that's usually what I'll drink is whiskey or wine. Has anyone ever asked for drugs? I have, yeah. You've asked for drugs? That's how I got drugged.

That's how I got fentanyled. Oh, God damn it. Mark, if you fucking die and I'm stuck doing this podcast with just Sal Acuse, no one's going to listen. Well, you get somebody else in here. I go bananas, a granola bar and simple tequila, which I already took off the list because you're right. It's already there.

Now, you've toured with big comics, yeah? What's in their room? Oh, my God. Schumer had Lagavulin, I remember. Schumer had Lagavulin. Which is great scotch. She had a fruit bar with a blender. She had to have a blender so she could make a smoothie. I remember J-Lo said, like, all the walls have to be covered with white sheets. Yikes. Yeah, like, she was, like, doing a decorating thing. That was, like... That's, like, a rally. Yeah.

I don't know. White sheets? I don't get it. It says she didn't want to look at shitty walls and bad artwork, so she was like, cover everything with white so I don't have to look at anything. That's my guess. That sounds like a lot. Yeah, it's a lot. I heard a fun thing from a rock star. I forgot who. Like a Dave Grohl type. Not him, but somebody like him where he's so famous, he's so popular, everybody wants a photo, everybody wants an autograph, everybody wants to talk to him, that he does a rule where he goes...

Try to be a nice guy. Try to talk to everybody. But sometimes you have a bad day. Sometimes you're hungover. Sometimes you're fighting with your wife, whatever it is. So he puts his hood up. And if his hood's up, don't talk to him. If it's not up, I'm open game. Come over, say hello, shake my hand. Weirdly, he's in the Klan. But yeah, I thought that was a pretty good move. I was like, hey, at least you let people know. You're not like Ellen, where you're like, Ellen, you want this coffee? I'll kill you. Ellen. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

So at least you let them know. And Paul McCartney, Dana Gould told this story. Paul McCartney, he met at Conan or one of these Lettermans or one of these. And he's like, oh, my God, I'm a Beatles nut. Paul McCartney, holy shit, here we go. I got to say hello. I got to say something. So he goes up to Paul McCartney and he kind of just starts freaking out. He's like, Paul, I just, and Paul goes, take 15 seconds and then come back. And it seems kind of douchey, but it's like,

You need 15 seconds. And then he gives you 15. He could just go, all right, you're done. But he gives you 15 seconds. He knows how big he is. Exactly. And then they... I've heard he's cool, Paul McCartney. Oh, he seems like a great guy. Fucking genius. It's the most obvious sentence ever, but... But yeah, and he's still alive. He's the only one still going. That's not true. Ringo. What about Anne Bancroft? Anne Bancroft's still alive. Ringo died from ovarian cancer as well, actually, I think.

Yeah, when I did the first gig with Seinfeld, you know, freaking out, Beacon Theater, I'm in the green room with him. I get there way too early. I don't want to be late. I'm just sitting there.

He comes in, takes the blazer off. Hey, what's up? And it's me and his one man, or one, what do you call it, right-hand man. And Kevin, great guy. And he knows I'm freaking out. So he's like, just relax. He's a normal guy. I'm like, I know, I know. And he comes in, and you're like, I'll be fine. And when he comes in, it all hits you. Like, oh my God, I'm at the Beacon. I'm opening for Jerry. I watched it when I was a kid with my parents. And he goes, how are you? And I go, ah. And I did one of those. And he goes, all right, how are you? And I had a mental...

mental moment where I go, hey, this is it. Get it together. I had like a pep talk with myself in the moment. Wow. And said like, talk to this motherfucker. Don't freak out. Don't geek out. This is it. You're here. Quit bitching. Quit queefing. And I snapped into focus and then I was better. Wow. But I had to do that because it was too intense in Seinfeld. Yeah, no, it makes sense. Didn't he request to share a green room with the opening? He did, yeah, because he wants the hang. He likes comics.

Whereas a J-Lo would be like, I would never want to hang out with the opener, which is cool. Cool about Jerry. Damn, that's crazy. Yeah, no, it makes sense, though, that you just kind of lose it for a second. I lost it. He's Jerry. He's Jerry. Yeah, I lost it, and I had to mentally grab my shit and go, hey, Dickless, focus. And I did, and it went okay after that. You said it out loud. Jerry's like, what did you call me? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Yeah, dude, you know, you do those late night sets and then you just like you do a set and it's kind of like a, you know, you're like, what the fuck just happened? And then you're on the couch and you're just chatting with like Conan or Colbert or fucking Jimmy Fallon or whoever, or Corden, whoever it is, Kimmel, whatever show you're doing. And you're just kind of like.

Oh, wow. This is weird. Yeah. Because we're just so used to the clubs and doing the work that we're not used to the celebrity bullshit. We're not. Totally. Totally. You know, but then with a guy like Conan, I really did. You know, he's one of my heroes, you know, for so like ever since I was a little kid, my brother always watched Conan. So my brother watching it made me think it was like cool. My brother loving Conan made me be like, oh, shit.

I look up to my brother. My brother looks up to Conan. Then you start watching Conan. You start staying up. You start kind of showing up to school with not enough sleep. But I want to see in the year 2000, you know, that sketch. You want to see all the dumb sketches because, you know, you love. So then you're just sitting there with him and you're like, whoa, I'm just talking to Conan. And now you got a guy doing that to you.

We've got a guy at the end of the show. I know it's not Conan, but it's... They watch... They watch... What the fuck? I got this. I got this. They watch The Rooftop. They watch... They watch Out to Lunch. They watch Mark's new Netflix special. Yeah. Hey. 30 Minutes, which he hasn't plugged in this fucking podcast. I don't want to bother anybody. He's forgetting shit. Let's do it for him. Well, the drinking. Mark's new Netflix half hour. I think he should have an hour, personally, but...

He's got a half. And I haven't seen it yet because we're pre-recording these, but I know it's fucking killer. It's out right now on Netflix. Get the date. It's out right now. It's out right now. She showed up. So were you. I was there. I can't wait to see it, man. I'm so excited. It should be fun. And again, it was a pandemic half hour where I put a lot of shit together and made it all work with gum and tape, but it went well. And it's dark as shit, and I can't believe I got away with half of it. I love it. That's what Cosby says, too. Oh, man.

That's, yeah, man. Also, hey, man, Beacon Theater, May 7th. I hope you show up. So Mark said, Seinfeld Beacon. To me, it's a dream come true as a New York City kid. So I hope you guys buy tickets to see me at the Beacon Theater in New York City, May 7th. Tickets at samorell.com slash shows. Milestone. I mean, that's an epic...

Netflix is a milestone, man, because you fucking know. I mean, you did it the right way. I mean, I still think I'm like part of me is angry because I'm like, you should have an hour. You're a great stand up. Well, I know. We all know that we all know the game is rigged and stupid. But I will say I slow down with that drink there. Yeah.

But no, you're a fucking beast. You've been a beast and I've known you. And I mean, shit, out to lunch. But I'm like, I'm also thinking like, still got it. You know, I'm thinking Mark's first album at Madison Comedy on State. Yes. You know, I'm thinking of jokes that are like, yeah, sure. But I mean, Mark.

We've watched each other from the get-go, so it's fucking cool. It's cool to see you get shit. Well, the beacon is butts in seats. Netflix is like some dude from Mount Top. You could do the beacon, dude. I don't think so. You could do the fucking... If I could do it, you could do it. Hometown hero, New York boy. You could do it if I could do it. I'll do it in a couple years. I'm just saying, enjoy the beacon. Look at us. This is like a pulpit. There's two guys who can't feel good. Yeah, exactly. In the words of Harvey Keitel...

Let's not start sucking each other's dick just yet. Is that it? Is that the line? Yes. All right. I've been drinking. But yeah. All right. Either way, we got to run. I mean, she's got to go to get an abortion. We're going long here. Come on. Which week did this come out? January what, Matt Peters? 16. Oh, Jesus. So, you know, this. We passed the Capitol race. Richmond. The anniversary. Richmond, Michigan. Timonium, Maryland. Michigan.

Hartford, Connecticut, Sacramento, Columbus. I probably added an LA date by now and a San Diego or Houston date by now. Just go on my website. Who the fuck knows? Everything takes forever. No one pays you what you're worth, so you have to hold out. Here, here. But yeah, a lot of good dates coming. Mark, what do you got? Man, I'm all over the road. Kansas City, Sacramento Punchline, La Jolla, Comedy Store, New York.

Ah, shit. You can't see that, Mark? I can't see it. I gotta get more dates up there. Look at that. I'm way behind. Syracuse. Bridgeport, Connecticut. Dinosaur barbecue. Yeah. That's all that fucking city has. They tell you about it nonstop. It's sad. We got dinosaur barbecue. I'm like, cool, do you have a noose? Ha ha ha ha.

Yeah, it's still on the tree, actually, out there. Yeah, shit, I can't think of my date. I've got to update my website. I've got dates that are six years old on there. But, yeah, go to marknormancomedy.com. I'll update it. By the time this is out, we'll have a whole bunch of new stuff on there. I think I'm doing Cobbs at one point, doing Chicago. Oh, Cobbs is as good as it gets, baby. You've got to go to Sotomori or Swan Oyster Depot while you're there. Hell, yeah. Best seafood in the game. Is that where we went with Schumer?

We went to Sotomayor with Schumer. I went there with Vitor, too. Oh, nice. Amy bought out the whole fucking place. Remember that? I know. That was big money. That was a big dick move. Yeah. That was badass. That was great. Clusterfest. It was a Theo Vaughn. It was a Nikki Glaser. We had a good crew. Rachel. Rachel. The guy from Drunk History was there. Who fucking snubbed you. I know. I know. What the fuck is that? He wasn't ready to see me. He was like, oh, hey, you're here. I'm like, I'm here. I must have said something so horrible on that show that it just...

Couldn't be aired. Well, it's called Drunk History. What do they want? I know. I got drunk. You were drunk? Your history. My career's history. All right. Thanks a lot. Email us at WeMightBeDrunkPod at gmail.com. Wrecks, peeves, jokes, drinks, whatever the fuck you want. Subscribe to the Patreon. It's growing. You guys are showing up. We love it. Hear, hear. We love you. Keep drinking.

On Instagram, Jamie Samantha Lynn. J-A-I-M-E, like Jaime, like the Jewish way. And on Twitter, just Jamie Samantha. You can catch me at shows I always share dates. And I have Broadway Comedy Club, January 15th. ♪♪

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