Ep 56: Teremana & Soda
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We might be drunk, we might be drunk As long as we are hanging out, you know we might be drunk Raise a glass, let's talk shit, pep heaps, wrecks and a bit Maybe drunk, we might be drunk, yeah

Yo, happy new year. We love you guys. Thank you for listening. Dude, happy new year. Hey, happy new 2022. Here we are. Came out of nowhere. Oh, God, this is crazy. I know we lost so much time with the pandemic. I hate losing time. We're both scared of death.

So we're opening? Well, I'm just saying, it's a looming fear just waiting there. It is. The sickle just coming down on us. Yeah, dude. So we create. It's coming. That's our answer to death is creating. Yeah.

Yeah, I think about that a lot. You do so many late night sets. I was like, oh, that dude's scared to death. He wants a catalog. Yes, I want a cannon. What is a cannon? You ever heard cannon? Yeah, sure. The cannon. Yeah, the body. What is it? What's the difference between a cannon and a catalog? Is there? I guess catalog is what you sell coats out of, you know, or a West Elm catalog. You don't have a West Elm cannon.

Is there a difference? What do we got? A general law rule principle criterion, which... But also a collection of sacred. Yeah. I think it's both. Oh, the canon's a little more sacred. Biblical canon. All right. All right. Good to know. We're doing a little... We don't have the beer Jew this week. We're doing a little Terra Mana and soda. It's a new year. We want to start light. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Tequila soda, though, you can't go wrong with a little fruit in there. It's nice. We're out of lime, so we went with orange. I want a lime. A lime goes a long way. Like, you ever do a shot of tequila and you hit that lime and you go, I'm completely cured. Isn't that crazy? It's crazy. Well, they use it for dead bodies. Do they? In the war, they'd use limes. Lime juice. Am I wrong? You're thinking of lime. L-Y-M-E. That's a different lime. That's how they bury people. Lime disease. Lime disease.

Lime and limes are very different. Do they not use? Yeah, I'm a real fucking idiot for saying that right now. Well, I've only seen it in like horror movies. Here's another one. Mustard gas. Real mustard. That's Dijon, baby. I think they use lime to kill smells, though. Am I that fucking dumb that I just said that? Is there lime in smelling salt? What's in a smelling salt? But wait, hold on. We're still on the lime thing. Does limes...

Kill smells. Oh, wait a minute. Controlling odors from pets and livestock. I don't know about the dead bodies, though. Huh. I might have overstepped here. I think it's, you're thinking of lime. Yes, I think I am. They always pour that on the graves. Yeah, but lime, it does something, it is something about like that tequila shot where you're like, oh my God. I know, it helps you. It's, nothing works all the time except limes and chapstick.

Chapstick works, man. You put that shit on your list. It works for a minute. It's a minute, yeah, but it's like Coke. It wears off. They keep coming back for more. It's like you feel like a degenerate gambler asking for a loan. That's right, yeah. That's what Chapstick is. Chapstick is short money. It'll get you by, but it ain't lasting. You're better off investing. That's why I never use it.

I don't own one chapstick. My girl all day is just boop, boop, boop. You don't own one? No, I don't want it. I got one right here. You see? You're going to rely on it. What? I got another. Oh, you got Burt's Bees and chapstick. By the way, hands it to Burt's Bees for coming in on that monopoly and trying to make its own way.

Because they came in. Chaps, they got the market cornered. It's like Kleenex. When you talk about tissues and you're like Kleenex, you're like, that's a brand of tissues. That's a brand. Band-Aid. That's another one. They're good. That's a name for that. Give that a go. What's the name of that term where you have the brand and they take over? Sharpie is another one. Give me a Sharpie. I think highlighter might be one too. Is highlighter one too? I might be overstepping. There's a name for that term. Oh, okay.

41, what's it called? Xerox, Taser, Google. Google's a big one. Big one. I'm going to Google that. Wow, they fucking, that's crazy. No one says I'm going to Yahoo that. Genericization. No one says I'm going to ask Jeeves that. Yeah, you got that right. Genericization. I might be saying that wrong. Genericization. Genericization.

That looks right. All right. What about, and do you have any New Year's resolutions, Mark? I never do them. Never? I feel like if you got a thing, just do it. Because if you talk about it at a party, here's my resolution, you're not really going to do it. Fair enough. You're all talk. But this is a podcast. True. Good point. Nothing that you want to change? No.

All right, here's one. All right. When the COVID hit, my gym closed. And I just stopped. I used to go to the gym twice a week. It was like part of my life. The rec center. Yeah, same. Really? Yeah, yeah. The rec center is the best deal in New York. Yeah. It's like 80 bucks a year. You get the ping pong. You get the shower. You get the basketball. You get the weight room. The swimming. The pool. The swimming is what I would do. I mean, it's you and a bunch of geriatrics, but fuck it.

You also feel like a badass in there. Geriatric's in better shape than me. There used to always be, I used to do a bit about this, but there used to always be a woman on a noodle and you just have to swim around her. And you're like, this is the dumbest setup for your exercise. There's so many Asian dudes there. The Asians love it. The Asian dudes swim. Yeah, they swim and they pong. Yeah. Asians dominated. They're like black of NBA. Asian pong. Yeah. Oh, I've seen Forrest Gump.

So what about... So you just stopped going to the gym, don't you? Why don't you just get a regular gym membership? Well, I got fond. I got a...

I grew a love for the rec. I helped the old guy. You know, some old guy in dress socks is like, let me help you there, Siegfried or whatever his name is. It's always some guy like Merman or something. It's always some old guy, Duncan. So I go, hey, let me help you. And he goes, thanks, Sonny. Let me buy you an egg cream or whatever. Mark saved Bernie Sanders at the rec center. Ha, ha, ha.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Still don't have health care. That should be a resolution. Oh, that's pretty good. I think that should be the resolution, that Mark has to get health insurance. Well, take it out of the Patreon. I don't think I need it. I haven't been to the hospital since 88. It's not just the hospital. It's more of a just in case. You should get it, Mark. You're making a lot of money. I should get it. It should be like an agent or a manager. That's a thing you just have. But don't you feel like if you don't go to the hospital, you wasted that month?

I mean, do you not go to the doctor for anything? You've told me you've had shoulder stuff. I mean, what do you do? You just pay out of pocket? I know a guy. I know a guy. This is how he's going to... Mark, I've got prostate cancer. You should see a doctor. I've got a guy. He meets me in an alley. He gives me a shot. Meet me at this Chipotle bathroom. I'll look at your prostate. He knows the code. This guy's a pro. Yeah.

Yeah, all right. Maybe you're right. Get health care. Because when you go without insurance, A, they look at you sideways. Sure. They go, hey, what's your insurance? Like, I don't have it. They go, Jesus Christ. And then it's like four grand. Yeah, dude. That's like what health insurance costs for the year. You should do, you should get it. Yeah. Matt, am I wrong here? Maybe I'm holding out for- Look at Matt is also saying you should get it. I keep hearing health care is on the way. It's coming. It's coming. Free health care.

I don't think it's coming. Oh, all right. All right. If Obamacare didn't push it through to free, nothing is going to push it through. I mean, that's... We're...

It's not going to be free. I mean, American health care fucking blows, but you got to get it. It's really horrible, but I'm not doing a great sales pitch here. It's the worst. I sound like I'm talking about Game of Thrones. It's terrible. You got to watch. Right, right. Well, the thing about Obamacare is I signed up and then I had one hiccup with the password and I just said, fuck it, I'm done. You might be, because you did that Netflix special, you might be eligible for SAG. Oh.

You can look into that. I got to pay those dues.

Oh, yeah, me too. Oh, jeez. I'll just pay them when I get a part in something. They remind you. Mm-hmm. Those unions remind you. I know, unions, man. They're not fucking around. They're not fucking around. And then you forget to pay it, and then five years later, they're like, oh, you owe 10 grand. You're like, Jesus Christ. I have a gym in my building. It's a small one, but I don't use it a lot. What? Well, you occasionally, but I'll tell you this. I got a trainer because of my neck, so I was like, I don't use her a ton, but I use her to kind of get back into it, and it's a whole thing in my building. It's a lot of old people, and they're kind of like...

you're not allowed to use a trainer. So I've been scolded a couple of times. Whoa. First off, I'm going to say this about my building. I get woken up every day by construction. Some old asshole is getting, uh,

renovations going on in there. Yep. You know, it's not enough. It's this shit. This is a peeve of mine. And look, I'm going to start with saying this is a real first world complaint. But guess what? We're living in the first world, baby. You got that right. So let's fucking go. Hell yeah. Here's what happens. I'm in there with a trainer and two separate old guys walk over to me and go, we don't care personally.

But you're not supposed to have a trainer. What? But we don't care. So moms were. But just so you know. Because you're young or because they're in the building? Just because they don't. Some weird thing where buildings are like, you're not supposed to have trainers in here. What the fuck? How exclusive is that? I can't bring a gal in to work out with? She's literally guiding me because she doesn't want me to get re-injured.

So it's like, that's literally why she's there. And we're very quiet. But they were like, it is a peeve of mine. People go, I don't care personally, but this is a rule. I'm like, well, listen, nerd. I didn't read the handbook here. So that's why I don't know the fucking rules. I'm breaking the rules without even knowing them. I hate these nerds. And they're all on the board. We're on the board. And the board says. That's a New York thing, the co-op board. Co-op board is a menace. If you're on a co-op board, you're a fucking nerd. You're worse than the Klan. Yeah.

Yes, it's a whole different kind of group. It's exclusive to New York. Only in New York where they're like, we have to approve you for this. Yes, yes. Get a fuck. Get over yourself. I know. We have a board in my building, and they're a nightmare because we had to rent out the roof for stuff because the roof is common space. So like, hey, we're going to have a barbecue. And like, oh, all right, well, we're going to charge you this much. It's got to be over by 11. I'm like, what is this, Russia? We're having a barbecue. Get out of here. It's open air. No one is up here. Yeah.

It's really crazy. Mm-hmm. It's like, that's a New York thing. Yeah. And the nicer the building, the cuntier the board. Yeah, anyone who's involved with that shit, it's like, just get over yourself. I know. Get a life. Go do something. Go help. Go to a soup kitchen. What are you hassling the people who live here for? Yeah, well, they were definitely annoyed with me. They were definitely like, what?

we don't mind i'm like i think you mind that's a big peeve yeah i'm okay with it but just so you know the rules that's get out of here get out of here i know exactly what you're doing it's passive aggressive it's phony it's bad yeah you should do that hey i don't mind your toupee but i heard some people talking about it you know like where does it end yeah so

What does the trainer do? Is she... She's just kind of guiding me to, like, strengthening my neck again. Because, you know, I have a herniated disc. But, I mean, do you do pull-downs or... Yeah, whatever we can. But she's just making sure my neck is in the proper position because I could re-injure it easily. Does she hold it? Does she give you a brace? I'm worried she's getting a free ride here. How much are you paying this gal? We'll talk after that. All right. All right. This gal's got the sweetest gig in the world. Hey, watch the neck!

Okay, now do another one. What's the next? Well, she's also strengthening, you know, she's strengthening the muscles surrounding it so I don't get re-injured. I mean, that's the whole thing. No, it's not. Yeah. You got to know about the body. You got to know the anatomy. All right. All right. All right. Yeah. I feel like, hey, she hands you a pillow and an ice pack and an apple juice. I don't know if it's a real gig, but I'm not there.

not there she does lunchables too all right all right teddy grams teddy grams were kind of underrated oh i love teddy grams dude you know i fuck with cinnamon teddy grams oh i was a chocolate man but i'm with you oh really chocolate well the other one was honey right oh yeah what were the flavors put up the flavors wasn't there a blue box too was that original

Maybe. Original was good. Yeah, yeah. Those were golden. No, that's a different thing. Golden Grahams is a cereal. Those were good. Honey Grahams. Oh, Teddy. There he is. Dude, I was in 7-Eleven by the Comedy Cellar the other day, and they sold Vanilla Frost and Dunkaroos. Damn.

For my money, I don't think it got any better as a child. No, that's the way to go. Because look, we all have a Pop-Tart, but they're too big. That's the way to get some frosting, and it's just a bite-sized version. Look at this shit. They went woke with Teddy Grahams now. He's got to be holding up a fucking butterfly. What the fuck happened? It used to just be a graham. Now he's got to be saving nature. Yeah, he looks like a Lunesta ad over here.

Teddy Graham. Come on, it's sugar, it's drugs. Don't fuck around with me, Teddy. He's got erectile dysfunction. What the hell happened to him? Do we have him on the screen? Are we showing him? God damn it. Teddy got anxiety. Go to the old ones. You know they should have like hydrogenated oil or whatever shit gave you cancer? It's all poison. We were eating cancer as kids. Honey, that was a big one. What are the other ones? Well, he was gay back then, apparently. He's got the half shirt on, the belly shirt. What?

Can you see this on the... Can the audience see this? I'm going to just jump in. This guy, he's got assless chaps. We're like, Jesus Christ. He's got a little hat on. He's got a ball gag and a butt plug. All right, we're going medieval on Teddy's ass. What other flavors were back in the day? These are the new ones. What the hell is this? Nabisco. You know it's an evil... Nabisco is definitely one of those companies that was...

trying to give women like breast formula you know those companies that were like you gotta have breast milk formula right right oh yeah I don't know I don't remember the old one they've brainwashed me

I can't remember. Woke Teddy Grahams? Woke Teddy Grahams is a great, like, woke candy people. It used to be just the Trix Rabbit, Lucky Charms, you know, what's the Pillsbury Doughboy? He's body shamed. Is Lucky Charms not, like, offensive to the Irish now? Is that where we're at? It'll get there. The Irish don't give a fuck.

Which is nice. Yeah. There's Irish coffee. I be yelling a redheaded Irish goodbye. They're fine with the best. Goodbye. Great. Goodbye. All the goodbyes. I've never regretted an Irish goodbye. No. Good point. I mean, we had DeRosa on. I remember he literally yelled at me twice for leaving his birthday and like a drunken blackout. Like, fuck you. You're a shitty friend. Three in the morning on like a Tuesday or Monday. And you're just kind of like, this is what the Irish goodbye is for.

It's to save me because he doesn't remember doing it anyway. But you're like, I don't want to. You just want to get out. Yeah. Well, the problem with the get out is they go, no, stay one more shot. And you're just avoiding that. It's not that I dislike you or I'm trying to leave you. It's just the fact that you give me a headlock and you go, come on, you pussy. Stay another hour. And you're like, dude, it's five.

Let me go. We're too old to have friends like this. This is a bad sign. Once you have friends who are like 40 and up, they should not be asking you to take another shot. Those are some problematic friends. And we're already teetering on blackout. Let's just enjoy the buzz. But who am I talking to? I like to keep it going. I do too, but that next day now, man. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's one thing you learn. It's enjoy the buzz and just go home. Remember, were you a Fruit Roll-Up or Fruit by the Foot guy? Fruit by the Foot.

I mean, I was a fruit roll-up, but my parents wouldn't buy any of that shit. I had to, like, mooch it. I would have to go to friends' houses. Yes. Yeah, my parents wouldn't get that shit either. I loved it. I know. You go to friends' pantries. It was like the scene in Pulp Fiction where they open the box with the glow. I was like, oh, my God, Dunkaroos, roll-ups. Gushers. Gushers.

Oh, my God. We didn't have a gusher in my home. It's the closest you come to taking one on the face as a child. Just shoot a hot load of juice right over your chin. That's true. That explosion was serious. Oh, man. You really felt the gush. Oh, it was so good. Oh, yeah.

That shit's poison. We must have been eating poison. Who knows what that was? All that shit. All that stuff was bad. The cereal was bad. The lunch was bad. Like goldfish. I'm sure goldfish is just... Goldfish is so good. I know. Cheddar goldfish. Anything that leaves a cake in your teeth like that, though, is bad. I know. Yeah. You gotta...

Get it out there. It's just a gooey paste. Every disease come through the gums and we're literally just walking around with shit mushed in our mouth. And you're like, hey, why does my breath stink? Oh, yeah. I ate a, by the way, that paper bag too. Goldfish was really trying to be high end for a while. Pepperidge Farms. Yeah. Milano. It's like, you're like, just fucking give me a note.

Chips Ahoy was never putting on airs. Good point. I'm coming in a sack. Yes. The Keebler Elf kept it real. But yeah, Pepper Trot, Milano, the other one with the- Chessmen? The Chessmen, yes. It had a rook on it. Yeah. Was it a rook or the knight? I don't know. Might have been the knight. Pull up some of the Pepper Trot bags. It was the horse. I think it's the knight. They can go diagonal.

Chessmen cookie. They were good cookies. Maybe that's the bishop. Ooh, those butter cookies, dude. Oh, God. Yeah, it was the knight. All right. Or was it all the pieces? I guess it was all of them. I only had the knight. What were the other big Pepperidge Farm? I mean, dude, those... Milano was huge. Sal Salito cookies. What's that? Pull those up, man.

You know what I don't care for? We'll get to this later because this might start a debate, but the Tate's. What are those again? Tate's, you'd seen them. Oh, yeah, they're fine. Oh, those are great. That's one of the better cookies in the market there. Put those in the microwave for 20 seconds. You get yourself a glass of milk, my friend. You get yourself an evening. Yeah, that's like Free Basin. I mean, it's too good. You're flying close to the sun with that shit. Or a mouse. I love a little white chocolate macadamia. Oh.

Now you're talking. Yeah, dude. Jesus. Lick my asshole while you're at it. This is when we're supposed to be turning our year around. This is when people go to the gym. This is like the month. You're right. There's a lot of, I want those gym rats to look at the January people the way we look at hobby comics. They're like, you fucking bitch. You don't take this seriously. Yeah, you have no idea. You work in a cubicle. You're trying to live off some weird fantasy. It's not going to last. This is the gauntlet. This is Thunderdome, baby. Tahoe's. Those were good.

Damn, the Dublin. Oh, cookies. This is all above my pay grade over here. Oh, I'm not. Yeah, I don't really get cookies anymore, honestly. No. I don't really buy them. You can't buy them because you eat them the first day, you know? You pull them out of the bag. You put your eggs in, your milk in the fridge, and you pull those Maui's out, and you're done. Special occasion, though, I will do, like, man, they're, like, you know,

Milk bar. Sometimes you're just like, I'm just going to order a milk bar. Glass of milk. Movies. That's a fun evening. That is very nice. Because you watch an old movie with some fucking sweets. Holy shit. Black and white movie. Glass of milk. Comfort zone, bro. Hell yeah. Love it. You get a black and white movie, black and white cookie.

Now you're in. Yeah, dude. I never liked the black and white cookie. I think it's overrated. It kind of sucks. It's not great. The whole Seinfeld thing, they went with the whole unity thing. Right, right. That was a woke cookie back then. Ah, diversity. Yeah, that was their whole push, white and black. Right, that's true. And Asians are like, hello? We can't get in there? Hispanics? Nothing? Pull up the Tates if you can. Now we're going all Google in this episode.

I should say search engine. Yeah, they're like, they're good, but like, let's not get carried away. They're too thin and hard. I don't like thin and hard. Like my dick.

But they're just too, I like a soft cookie. I want grandma. I want the warmth. I like crunchy. Yeah. Oh, you do like crunchy. The problem with crunchy is though it makes a mess. Yes. That's the issue. Yeah. Crunchy. Now we got crumbs everywhere. There's a little mouse nibbling on the floor. You got that right. Yeah. Not a fan. That's why I don't like the Malala or the, uh, the end, not the intimates. What's that fucker on the plane?

The Biscoff. It's all crumb. Yeah, we have it on the plane, though. It's not your problem. That's true. It's kind of like trimming your pubes in a hotel bathroom. Let's put this on someone else. Which I'm also a fan of. That's where I get it done. Really? Yeah, I'm not doing that at my house. I'll leave a big tip. I'll do it right over the toilet. Me too. I try to get it in, but every once in a while I have an off shooting night. Yeah, you got a rogue pube. It's always gray. You got any grays yet? Yeah, I have grays right here.

Oh, yeah. I got them on the side real bad. I'm talking about pubes. Oh, I don't know, actually. That's a bummer. I'll check my teeth. Yeah, you do, boy. Tates are overrated cookies. Yeah, yeah. The green bag. They're fine. I do like those butter cookies, though. That's a real cookie. Whenever it's holiday season and people start bringing around those cookies or like those, how do you feel about the schoolgirl cookies? Girl Scout? Yeah, that's what I meant. Yeah.

I think they're overrated. No, they're schoolboy cookies. That's why I was confused. Do they? Yeah, pull up the schoolboy cookies. What the hell is a schoolboy cookie? They're good. They're good cookies. Schoolboys. Those are another classic. That's Kevin Spacey's favorite. But I don't know those. Oh, that's a good cookie. Yeah, you know those. Yeah, I didn't know they were called schoolboy. It's a little risque.

Yeah. School boy. Well, they have the Girl Scout cookies, but there's no Boy Scout cookies. True. Because no one wants to give the money, Christopher, a thaw in your head, pedophilia. That's right. They're using this money on trips. Yes. This fucking guy with touchy fingers. Yes. That was my money. You know who loves the Boy Scout pedophilia is the church. They're like, thank God. Put it on those weird campers. We'll be here at the Vatican. What about...

The really good ones are the Samoas. Those are the classics. Is that the one with the chocolate swirl on it, that weird ribbon thing?

The hole in it? Yeah, that's it. That's the best one. That's the king. The thin mints can go fuck themselves. Get out of here. The lemon up stink. Toffee stinks. I don't want to be thinking about my breath when I'm eating a cookie. Yes. Let me live a little. Shortbread, boring, peanut butter. That's new. That wasn't banging when I was back in the rotation for a- Peanut butter cookies as a kid was my go-to. Yeah.

That's the shit. A little peanut butter. You can't go wrong with peanut butter in any sweet. Love peanut butter. Peanut butter ice cream, peanut butter shake, peanut butter sauce, spread. Well, peanut sauce, you got the pad thai. Oh, that's right. So let's give a toast to the peanut. Yes. Carver, thank you. That looks like a fucking little guinea pig shit.

What the hell is that cookie? Guinea pig shit's my favorite punk band. You gotta go see guinea pig shit. Guinea pig shit. You guys ready to rock? Guinea pigs are cute animals. They are. Have you seen those? Oh, yeah. They're adorable. My friend had a few, but now they test things on guinea pigs. That's where we get the name. Awful. You're the guinea pig. Awful. But is that real? It must be. What are they testing on a guinea pig? Space travel? Makeup? What are we talking here?

I had a guinea pig as a kid. Really? Yeah, I loved it. Snuggles. R.I.P. Really? To a legend. I know, but they're just sitting there. First of all, they smell weird. No, they play. You hand them a carrot. They nibble on it. You can hold them. They go through little mazes. They're fun, man. Okay. You can hold them, though. I found out my mom...

picked me up at school one day and she goes, Snuggles died in the ER. And I was like, looking back, it's a pretty funny sentence. But as a kid, I burst out crying. Oh, I get it. I get it. Yeah. Yeah. My cat was killed as a kid.

By the way, my cat was just outdoors 98% of the time. They're cute as hell, those animals. Cute animal. Look at that. They're a good size, too. They're not too big, not too small. But my cat was killed by a banister. It was up against the wall, and the cat jumped on it. It was like a piece of a banister. And the cat jumped off, and the banister fell on top of it, crushed it. Oh, that's awful. I know. My dad was like, do you want to see it?

Do you want to see it? Well, he was like, do you want to say a word or whatever? And I was like, ah, just bury it. Damn. I get it. I couldn't handle it. You lit it on fire like the end of Star Wars? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I said a prayer. I couldn't see it. Oh, that's fucking brutal. I know. You know what I realized? Guinea pigs, they're really lucky they don't have tails. Yes. Because that's why no one likes the hamsters or the gerbils. Because one of them have tails. Possum's got a wicked tail. They're gross. So gross. How about people who have pet ferrets? What the fuck is wrong with them? What a weird... It's like if Rockstar Energy Drink was an animal.

That's a bad look, the ferret. They smell weird. They run all over the place. They're gross. They're terrible. Bad move. White trash ferret. It is white trash. Yeah. You picture them opening the door with a Miller Lite and a wife beater. Yes. Yes, exactly. I'm not drunk. You're drunk. The cops are beating the shit out of them. Yeah. WWE's on in the background. They're playing some Kid Rock. Yeah, bad look with the ferret. But...

My friend had one. How about the guy with the snake? I mean. That's a weird look, too. What are we even doing? Yeah, his whole thing is, well, I'll feed him a mouse. And he holds it up. It's a weird day. This guy wanted to not develop a personality so bad, he got into fucking reptiles. Yes. You see that guy in the West Village, and he's just. With the one on his shoulders. Oh, my God. What are you doing? That guy's weird. And also the pigeon guy.

You know the guy who's just sitting there, he's got 38 pigeons on his ass and he's feeding them and shit. You're like, what are you doing? This is your day? I get it when you're like a little kid and you want to like feed a duck and you get like the bread or something. But like...

Like, these are birds. There's diseases. I know. Like, what are we doing? And look, don't get me wrong. Culturally, I love the pigeons. They're a part of the city. Sure. I see pigeons. I get happy. I go to the, you know, Atlantic City. You get the seagulls and you're like, trash. I'm a pigeon man, you know? Yeah. But the goddamn or the...

They're just kind of, they're gross animals. Rats with wings, they say, and they nailed it. I mean, they're the worst. They're the gutter. Like, they go through the gutter. They're bad. They live in the, they go through the trash. We need a Pixar movie on them. A Pixar pigeon movie. They're fun animals. They're doing this the whole time. Yeah. The Mick Jagger. They got grit, you know? They're like Italian guys on a stoop, you know? They've lived. They've seen some shit. You picture them with a cigarette, you're like, shut up. Yeah.

Oh, what is this? Is that a pigeon movie? Animaniacs had a... Oh, Disney Wild. I don't know what that is. Animaniacs had a whole sketch on pigeons, and they were called the Goodfeathers. And it was like a bunch of mob guys who were pigeons, and it was pretty great. That's pretty good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they're grimy. They're gritty. Pigeons make it work. They evolve. What... You got any peeves this week? Mm-hmm.

Big Peeve. Yeah. Now, let me throw this at you because it's a weird one, and I might need you to interact so you really understand it. So I worked with a guy, and he had bad pauses. Let me show you what I mean. So, you know, you're trying to bond with a guy in the green room. You don't know him that well, so you want to chit-chat. Let me throw one at you. Oh, hey, I like those shoes. Good shoes you got there.

You see what I'm saying? We'll try again. You got a haircut? I did. I like it. I like it.

You see? The pause. He opens it up for a conversation, and then he slams you because he's thinking, I'm still going. But you think, I'll be polite, and I'll chime in. You think about timing being like a showbiz thing, but you need timing offstage, too. It's everything. Totally. I mean, it ruins the whole conversation. So the whole time we're going, oh, sorry, sweet guy, nice guy. But the pauses were off all weekend. You didn't like the pause? Exactly.

We couldn't build. We couldn't get anywhere. And the whole thing was ruined. Bad pauses. Yeah, that's rough. Bad. What are you drinking today? I'm having some temp. Looks good. Like, come on! We can't do it! It's like the equivalent of like, oh, you're in the wrong hole. You know, it just felt like bad sex where you couldn't get it right, you know? Yeah. The whole thing was ruined. The whole weekend. In the green room, it was just...

It sucked. That's tough. I know. You want to get into a good rhythm with a person. It's everything. It's everything. And then you realize like, oh, I can't wait. You get back with your friends and you're like, ah, this is nice. This is how people talk. Yeah, exactly. And then you're like, you have a girlfriend? How does she deal with it? Maybe she's adapted to your bad pauses. So what I would do is, because I want to get along with him, so I would just wait way too long to let him get it all out. And then I would chime in.

Yeah, you just got to be really patient. Yeah. That's tough. It was tough, man. And it's a weird peeve. I get it. And I've never encountered this. The second you said it, I'm like, no, I've had those. Oh, you have? Well, yeah, sure. You have people with weird speech patterns and you have to kind of just, you have to wait it out. Yeah. Yeah. All right. I feel better. No, I had a weird one. I was checking into a building, uh,

And it's one of those, I don't know if it's like a COVID thing or whatever, or if it's just how the building runs. There's like a guy at the front desk and he was like,

wait here for the elevator and there's like a line i'm just like so i don't i don't press the button he goes yeah oh that's weird this is not a normal thing yeah you don't get annoyed you're like you're throwing a weird thing at me that was definitely a weird thing and i don't like the the weird thing followed by the annoyance yeah yeah you're weird i'm reacting to your weirdness and you're upset yeah how'd that happen yeah i'm with you you don't do that with other i mean like it's like meet me on this corner

I'm going to be an hour late. And you're like, you're going to be an hour late? Yeah, I'm going to be late. All right. Right. It's actually a pretty good move on their part because now you win somehow. I'm the idiot, but you're being the douche. But you don't win because I'm like, this guy's a jerk off. Yeah.

Yeah, he sucks. So, yeah, you won't hang out with him. I mean, I'm not going to hang out with that desk guy anyway, probably. But, you know. Yeah. Now I'm really not going to. But you want to meet his friends and go, you guys see this, right? I have so many questions when I deal with weirdos like that. I think some guys, they're assholes to strangers. I think so.

I think some people like they're okay to their select friend group or sometimes they're just like an asshole to even some people in the friend group. But you've seen some of those people with like, this guy's got like a social problem. Yeah, for sure. And then you're like, how'd you get hired? You must have not done that in the interview. Is this your resume? Yeah, it's my resume, asshole. Exactly. Jesus Christ. I know. Fucking nerve of this guy. People are kooky.

I watched, here's my rec. Yeah. It's not great. I'm not proud of it, but I enjoyed it. And it's maybe a guilty pleasure, whatever. I watched King Richard. Oh, I hear it's good. Oh, did you? Yeah. Okay. It's a little Hollywood-y and they really glam it up, but the story is so good that I had to watch it.

But it's got, you know, the cheese on it and it's sad and heartwarming and all that shit. So much cheese. So much cheese. But the story is amazing. These two gals from Compton, the dad worked them in the rain, the hood, the violence, the gunshots, the racism with the country club. Pretty fascinating.

So interesting, like sports like tennis and golf and the histories of racism. And then it's like once you start letting people of different races in, look what the fuck happened. Right. The Williams sisters, Tiger Woods. Hello. I know, but maybe that's why they didn't want to let him in. You know? Well, you see old footage of like basketball in the 50s and just like a white guy like. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. I think we need to, do you guys want ratings to go up or do you want to win? Right. The Washington generals. Yeah. Playing the globetrotters and the Simpsons. So good. Oh, that's what we have a crusty bet all on them. And he's like, ah, I thought the generals would do. Ha ha.

That was a bit I tried to do, but it got too dicey about, like, transgender people are, like, dominating in all these sports. And I'm like, that must be how white people felt in the 50s when black people came in. Like, we can't let them play. They're going to win everything. Oh, that's good. You like that? Yeah, it's funny. Maybe I'll bring it back. It just got... It's race. It's transgender. It was a lot of different...

edgy shit and I think people will pull back but I'm kidding certain things people just don't want a fucking a piece you know I know I'm not good with that it's just certain subject matter yeah it's not even what you're saying I'm not saying anything wrong but I had an abortion joke and a woman just heckled like like what fuck you like got real pissed I'm like it's a joke I'm obvious I open my saying I'm pro-choice I made a joke but she was like really got worked up and we kind of had a funny exchange and

by the end because i think she could tell that i wasn't an asshole yeah and she regretted a little bit good but uh she kept being like why can't i have a bunch of abortions i was like i'm saying you can yeah yeah i was like you could do it i mean like do whatever you want and then i said i said i said 12 abortions or something and she goes why can't i have 12 i was like well you know you interrupt comedy shows clearly you make a lot of mistakes you might have to get 12 that's great

I think some people just want to yell. You know, they're like, here we go, this is my chance. And you're like, oh, you're not actually trying to do good or have justice or save the day. You just want to get something out. Yeah, I also think people make a prejudgment sometimes early in your set if you try to go a little too edgy early on. They're just a little bit like, who the hell do you think you are? And you've got to earn it a little more. So maybe it was on me for doing it too early in the set. Yeah.

But also I'm kind of like, let's all relax, guys. Yeah, it's a comedy show. Why are you primed already? Why are you ready to be set off? That's the weird part. Well, they might be primed and they're going for the comedy show for the escape. So they don't want, some people don't want to be challenged. That's true. Some people just want like silliness. And so look, you know, we all want different things with entertainment, but that's why when you go to a show, like at the cellar, you get five or six comics. They're not all going to be for you. Right, right, right. And that's okay. Just sit back at the last 10 minutes and you're good. Yeah. You don't have to challenge everything, but like,

Michelle Wolf, a friend of ours, did the correspondence dinner years ago, and she had this whole thing about you guys hate Trump, you yell at Trump, but I think you kind of love Trump because he gives you meaning, he gives you purpose, and I think there's a lot to that. Oh my God. I mean, you think CNN wouldn't kill for Trump right now? Exactly. They just lost Cuomo. That was the highest rated guy. They're

they love trump right now that's true and then that's weird so you say you hate him but you actually love him i know a couple people who the january 6th thing happened and they were like this is great yeah and you're like i thought it was bad i thought it was a horrible thing and uh you know bad for america yeah yeah but they're like oh this is this is horrible we love it we got something that's fodder now we got ammo well once the anger is gone you kind of have to look at yourself

Right. Or you have to find something else to be angry about and maybe it's harder to find. Exactly. Once the anger is gone, there's sadness, I think. I think you're right. There's almost like a hangover. Yeah, hangover, like a feeling of loss. Yes, yes. You get drunk on the outrage and then the hangover sets in. I hope. Yeah. Or they're just like, no, I'm great all the time. I'm right about everything. Yeah. I feel like internalizing has gone away a little.

Yeah. You know, a lot of things are just like, you suck, you suck, everything's bad, I'm great, but everything, the country's bad, but I'm great.

You know, you're like, maybe you're not great. It's weird because you'd think like the internalizing would be like that's when people would blow up because it's so much pent up rage. But it's almost like people never internalize now. Everything's out and they still have the energy to always be angry. Yeah. Isn't that weird? Good point. You'd think like the guy who blows up is like Humphrey Bogart, one of his characters. Right. At like age 55 when he's just like, ah, ah, ah, ah.

It's just like a dude who's doing that every day. Have you seen this? Right. Where does that come? I would kill for that energy. Well, you know what? I'm with you, but I think it's inside. I think they're mad at their dad. They're mad at whatever. They're mad at something themselves. So they have it. It's just ever glowing, burning inside them. They have all this energy because it's in them.

They won't face that energy. Oh, when you meet people who are angry all the time and always like, why can't I'm like, if you're not even if you've never even tried therapy, I don't want to hear it. I know. Because you're taking that shit out on everyone but you. Yeah. Which is toxic. Yeah. We talk about everything's toxic, toxic. But I'm like, maybe you're toxic. I'm not saying everyone needs therapy, but you know, the dude I'm talking about. Yeah. Like, I don't not for me. And you're like, you're like the one dude who needs it the most. Right. Yeah, totally. Totally.

And I think everybody should try it. You say not everybody, but try it. Yeah. It's not everybody needs it, but you never know what you'll get out of it. Yeah. Good shrink really seems to get. Yeah. Hey, we went a long time without one of those. What? So that's your I'm trying to think what my record I watch a bunch of watch a bunch of noirs lately.

A lot of good... A lot of good stuff on Criterion. I'm doing another Criterion movie because I've just been burning through them. Yeah. But, dude, any Hitchcock movie, honestly. Oh, yeah. He's the king. My rec is, I think...

Rear window is one of my favorites. If you haven't seen Vertigo, man. Oh, come on. That's like as good as it gets. I love that. Notorious. All those old Hitchcock movies fucking rule. Yeah. Yeah. The best. The camera work, the tension. He builds that tension and then just releases it. It's great. All right. We might be drunk is also brought to you by Lucy nicotine gum.

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Yeah, it's good stuff. I don't know. I have so many recs. Another rec is just, you know, try to fucking relax this year. That's another rec. Like, we're all at each other's throats. Yeah. You know, let's all try to get along. Like, you look at the country and you're just kind of like, hey, let's just fucking be people again. I know. And look, we're racist. We're sexist. We're homophobe. We got our problems. The border. Abortion. Like, there's problems, but...

You can get Grubhub anytime you want. You know, we got Uber Eats. We got Netflix on the dial. It's all right there. It's all on your phone. You can see the weather. You can call your aunt. It's all right there. Porn is free. Yeah. You know? A lot of ads, though. A lot of ads. Yeah, you're right. That is a bitch when you got your dick in hand. They're like, get your dick bigger. You're like, come on. I'm trying to get off here. How about when you get these thin hotel walls and you're like, he definitely heard my computer say, welcome to Jerk Mate. I'm like, ugh.

Jerk bait. But you know, it's really, everything is, there's a lot of problems, but a lot is good. A lot is good. We do tend to focus on the bad rather than the good. And I think, you know. Which is a sign of good, I think. If you focus on the bad, that means you got time to focus on the bad. I think that's, think about when you like fight with your girlfriend even. It's like you have a lot of, you both have too much free time and there's like a fight is just created. Right. You don't fight when you're busy.

That's true. That's true. Yeah. You got a 15 minute window. You're not working in a fight. Fighting is a privilege. It's a privilege. Interesting. Yeah. You're right. You're right. Yeah. Yeah. We got it pretty good. We fought for four hours last night. Must be nice. Yes. Must be nice. I was tilling a field or pulling a mule or some shit.

So, yeah. Then you hear about all this slavery in China with the Middle Easterners and all this shit. You're like, Chinese people can only be on TikTok for two hours a day or whatever. Not to pick on China. I mean, that sounds fair. That sounds pretty good, actually. I think we could all use a limit. Yeah.

Yeah, I agree. I mean, that's like, I'm obviously not. But at the same time, do you need to be on TikTok for more than two hours a day? I know. I know. It's the same shit over and over. Is that real? Two hours? That's the limit? Yeah. It's twerking. It's cats. It's a fistfight. Whatever it is.

Tell me you're from the 90s without saying it. Like, all right, all right. Is this what we're doing? You could learn the xylophone. I always get the guy who's like, look at this fucking breakfast burrito. Oh, look how juicy that shit is. I'm like, all right, dude. I know. Look at this shit. Let's see if it's the best burrito in...

It's fucking good. Yeah, and that's got 18 million. 18 million. And you work on a bit for six months. For sure. It's like 40,000 views. It's brutal. I know. I can't figure out that algo. You film yourself going, hey, I got a boner. I'm farting. And they go, hey, this is gold. And then you put out a killer bit with a hot crowd. Nothing. Nothing. Yeah, it's very strange. Well, TikTok is one where it just mutes everything. Everything I put up there, they're just like muted. Really? Yeah, I guess my shit's offensive to their algorithm. I have no idea. Yeah.

I don't know, folks. This ain't good. All this muting and censoring. Like, then we go to YouTube. Then maybe they'll start censoring. That's the worry, honestly, is like we all act like whatever. Like, look, it starts with obviously like I think the QAnon people, whatever. They're all fucking nuts. But like it starts with that shit sometimes. And you do have to worry that they keep moving the goal line in. Well, this joke wasn't good. Well, guess what? When it's an algorithm that can't detect sarcasm.

like we might say fucked up shit and we're clearly kidding. Yeah. And then all of a sudden now we're getting buried and it is dangerous for, uh,

self-produced content. Yes. We rely on ticket sales. We rely on eyeballs seeing it. And I'm seeing it a little bit already. Really? I am. Are you not at all? I guess I don't monitor that much. I should. I see a little bit. It's definitely dropped on Instagram. We used to get half a million views and shit on it. Now it's like, well, it's also been oversaturated. That's true too. That's also so funny to be complaining about. We have these like offensive hashtags.

And we're like, why didn't it do better? Yeah. Well, hey, I like offensive comedy. I know. I assume other people do too, especially in this world of censor. I think people want to get a little dirty. Yeah, dude. What else is going on? Where are you going coming up this month? I'm excited. I'm going to West Coast a lot. I'm doing La Jolla Comedy Store. It's like the Beverly Hills of San Diego. San Diego rules, man. San Diego's amazing. It's a great city. The people are great. It's just-

It's another world out there. You know, every time I go to San Diego, I'm like, why don't I live here? What am I doing? This place is magical. There's palm trees. The sun is shining. The beach. Even the homeless guys look like Hugh Jackman there. It's crazy, isn't it? I know. They got full heads of hair. They're rugged. Yeah. It's true. I don't know what I'm thinking. They got nice cars and beautiful women and the drinks are flowing and the bars are full. It's great. And then I come back to New York and I get shit on by a pigeon. I'm like, all right, this fits.

But yeah, yeah. I'm going to La Jolla. Have you been there? I love it. Yeah. That's a great club. Great club. Classic. Classic club. Sacramento. I like that club. Not a lively town. Sacramento. I'll be there in February. Oh, nice. It's got its charm, but you got to find it.

I feel like a lot of dudes look like they think they're UFC fighters in Sacramento. Yeah, a lot of that. I'm like, this dude's going to put me in a rear naked show because I cut him in line or something. I'm like, I didn't cut you. He's like, hmm. Yeah, neck tattoo. He's got the weird haircut where the sides are short. Yeah, I got, what am I? I'm in Toronto. Have you done, so you just did Vancouver. Is it weird, the customs going through security? That was a nightmare. Really? Yeah, well, I didn't tell you my story? No. Oh.

Buckle up for this one, Trenchcoat. All right, so...

Got my COVID test. You got to have a test within whatever, 72 hours. Really? Yeah, you got to do that. Got the test. I was like, that's not a big deal. I get it. I'm going to do another country. Got the test. Got the flight. You got to connect in Seattle. You can't go straight there anymore. So I was like, all right, whatever. It's a fucking six-hour flight. You make it. I get to Seattle. I go, all right, I'm going to Air Canada, going to Vancouver. They go, you got your test? I go, oh, I did the test. I'm a good guy. And you're just showing your phone? Showed up my phone, and they go...

Mmm, when did you get this test? I go, I don't know, Tuesday? They go, Mmm, it's supposed to be 72 hours. And they, 74. Oh my God. And I go, well, come on, I don't have COVID. It's 72, 74. I got your test. I did it. I just flew here from New York City, six hours cross country. And they go,

So I go, what do I do? They go, we can get a later flight and go get a test right now. And I'm like, well, then I'll never make the two shows. And they go, ah, sorry. And I go, what the fuck? They go, well, you might as well get tested and then maybe you can make it. So I got tested. There's a line to get tested. The test results take an hour. So I go, fuck it.

I rent a car. I take the test, rent a car, start driving to the border. It's a three-hour drive. I get the results after an hour and a half of driving. I'm already halfway there. Hit the border, show them the test.

Drove to the gig. Damn. It was a nightmare when I pulled it off. Damn. Yeah, I had to rent a car. I get it with going to other countries now, but God, this sucks. I know. This fucking sucks. Even the passport is annoying. I'm like, oh, where the hell's my passport? Yeah, I've got that. I think now if you have the enhanced ID, you don't need a passport. Also, do you have the global entry thing?

No, I wish. Why don't you get that? You have that? Yeah. I thought you had to be a spy or a president to have that. Spy? Who's got global entry? What are you, James Bond? What are you, Barack Obama? Who's got a... I think most comics who do the road have global entry. Global entry? It's so elite. It sounds so great. Global entry. No, it's like pre-checked for fucking Canada. Really? Yes. Am I wrong here? Wait, get that a gook. I've never heard of this global entry. That sounds great. That sounds like you're fucking foreign women. Yeah.

Yeah, dude. Global entry. Frequently asked questions. Uh-oh. I can't read that. Yeah, what the hell? Either way. Yeah, Wendy, how long do you think until you need glasses? Oh, good question. My dad has them. I'm getting there, I think. Really? I mean, look at this shit. I mean, are we supposed to be able to... Every time you do an eye test, it gets worse. I know. Well, we've been drinking, too. That doesn't help the eye test.

Create a trusted traveler program account. I'm already out. I can't make an account. $100 non-refundable fees required each application. Well, they just lost Norman. Yeah. Can't do it. You will need to bring a valid passport. All right. All right. This doesn't sound so bad. I think it's worth it. It's permanent resident. It's on my door somewhere. Okay. You'd have this? Yeah. How'd you do it? You just went to the place to get it. DMV? DMV?

It's wherever I got the pre-check, I think. I wonder if I can knock them both out one day. You should do this shit, man. Where is that? Global Entry Enrollment Center. You got an office? I'll go tomorrow. I got the day off. Hit it up, dude. I will.

Matt, you might need to help him with this. I don't think Mark's gonna do it. This might be like health insurance where Mark's like, "I'll do it!" Cut to a week later, he's like, "Ah, I'm not doing it." Yeah, bro, you gotta come with me. I need you. I need your support. I gotta hold your hand the whole time. Anything with accounts or logins, I'm out. It's a lot. Dude, my ADD too. I'm like, "I'm on." I'm like, "Fuck this shit." It was just so easy before. You go, "I'd like this. Here's the money." And there you go. That was it. It was a transaction.

God, it's fucking, being an adult is exhausting. It is. I do feel like anytime I'm doing something that's like not comedy related, I'm just like, what am I doing? I know, I know. And it's getting bad though. I'm at a barbecue with people I love and I'm like, ah, I should be writing. I look at bills and I'm just like, yeah, I could be writing a joke. Fuck this shit. Yeah, I know, I know. Bills are tough because you're losing money and it's a nightmare to do. I know. So it's a double whammy, but you got to do it.

gotta do it but like seinfeld would park anywhere and he would get tickets on his porsche and i was like oh man that sucks you got a 60 ticket he's like let's give it to my assistant they pay it i'm like oh that's pretty good i get a ticket i sit down i got the i got a red red visor on with the papers going a cigar i'd like do my finances figure it all out put a stamp on it write the letter

mail it in he's like I just give it to them being a billionaire sounds good yeah must be nice that's hilarious he just breaks the law and he's like help someone else deal with it that's fucking great because we're so worried about financial penalties he doesn't have that worry so he can just do whatever he wants I think Epstein didn't have that worry either I think he just did whatever he's like I'll have my assistant deal with it yeah that's true now he's dead and she's on trial why can't we get that trial on air by the way

It's weird. I was listening to one podcast that said that she's getting... Her lawyer's like, now that the state couldn't keep him open and he's dead, so...

There's all this anger. There's no resolution for his victims. So she's kind of getting the brunt of the blame. But then the other people were like, but you were the assistant. She was the recruiter. She was the scout. Yeah. You kind of greased the wheels a little here. I heard she blew Clooney. Do you hear that? Really? That came out today. Yeah. Google that. Sounds like they were Casamigos. Yes. Damn. Just the facts of life. One fine day. Yeah.

Yeah, Three Kings. That didn't work. Trying to think of another Clooney. Batman. Burn After Reading? I don't know. What the hell? Burn After Anal. She did? That's what I heard. Damn. She was in a tryst. Boasted about trysts with Clooney. Oh, Clooney, man. Who hasn't he had? Well done, Cloonster. I'm sure he's not bragging about that one. No, no, no.

Giddy is a schoolgirl after performing oral sex on Clooney in a bathroom at a show business event. Come on! That's how hot George Clooney is. You blow him in a bathroom and you're like, girls, gather round. Yes, tell the reporters. She had given Clooney a blowjob in the bathroom at some random event. All right, she never let that one down. There you go. Billionaire's Playboy Club. Love to brag about her rendezvous with various lovers. Woo!

Damn. Now, I'd like to hear that on the trial. What was his dick like? How was it? Did it smell? Were there pubes? Talk to me, jizz. There's a Playboy club right by here. Really? I did a gig there once. Yeah, Adam Glynn. You know Adam? Yeah, good guy. Yeah, he works TMZ. He booked me on it, and he was like, he's so funny because he like...

He's such a good schmoozer, but you could tell he was like, we got Sam Morrell here to the person, you know, who runs the club. He's like, can we get him a membership? No dues. And she was like, yeah, I'll see what I can do. You could tell she was like, go fuck yourself. Right. But he's like, he just performed at the club. But it's like they have like big, he's like, they have pajama parties. It's all ridiculous. Yeah. They have pajama parties, dude. Oh.

Oh, man. That's got to be fun. The Playmates. But it does feel like an out of place in time thing, doesn't it? It does. And if we went there as single guys, they'd be like, who are they? Yeah. They're like, why are you here? Yeah. There's basketball players and celebrities there. And we're like, hello. Yeah. And my celebrities are like, is that Steve Guttenberg? What the hell? Yeah.

What the hell is this? What year is this? I know. I'm sure Gutenberg and guys like that can ride out the dad issues on some ladies. Like, I watched Police Academy when I was six. I thought you were so cute. Yeah, I'm sure. Yeah, I think they prey on that whole thing at that age.

Yeah, weird. Like Bob Saget, I'm sure, has all kinds of young girls. Oh, my God. He's married now. Oh, okay. Well, I'm saying before his marriage, I bet he got a lot of like, oh, my God, I watched you every night. You know, you got it, dude. Yeah.

Fucking full house, man. Yeah. It was so bad. He's fucking her in the ass. She's like, have mercy. All right. Love you, Saget. I love him. He's such a good dude. Now, you think he's living off that house, full house? Is that just, that's got to be royalties for decades. I think he's very well off. Really? I mean, would you, I mean, yeah, he must be. Bob Saget, net worth. Boy, that came up right away. These are going to say we're worth 25, though. So you got to put that into account.

That's bittersweet for us. Oh, 50 mil. Eh, I thought it'd be more. I don't know. What is he, 6'3"? Okay. I bet he's got more. Yeah, I think so. I mean, you think about how long he's been famous and if you, you know, invest and- Yeah. And two primetime shows in the 80s. Two? America's Funniest Home Videos. Oh.

Plus touring, plus movies, plus... Yeah, AFV, I forgot. Directed Dirty Work. Yeah, that's right. I'm sure that didn't bring in a big buck. But yeah. Brought in some good stories, though. So great, great movie. You know, I just watched the Kenny G documentary. What? I'm just curious, because you hear it. Kenny G is a punchline. He's a joke. The guy's amazing. Was it good?

It's all right, but you get to know him a little more. He's a Jew from Seattle. He's obsessed with, he's a perfectionist. He's like, I want to be the best dad. I want to be the best clarinet player. I want to be the best piano player. I want to be the best sax. He's a golfer. He's a pilot. I mean, the guy's a nightmare. Wow. He just never stops. I mean, the guy is very impressive. He invested in Starbucks before anybody. That was another couple of mil he made. Great sax. Can do all the genres. Yeah.

It's incredible. It's an eye-opener. Because all you hear about it, this guy, oh, he's a goof. He's Kenny G with the hair and the sex and the music. You know, he's in the dentist's office. You're getting a cavity filled. But the guy is a genius. It is weird where they play his music. I know. That's got to be rough. That's like if you're an artist and you're really successful, but your work is known for, like, La Quinta. Right.

Right, right. You're like, all right, yeah. Yeah, you're in the waiting room with a gyno. Yeah, that's him. Like Yanni or something. Yeah, who's Yanni? He's a Greek guy. He does the sounds of stuff. What is it? I don't know. Tell us that bit about him. Oh, really? Yeah.

Well, they did all these jokes. They played a string of jokes about, like, SNL and all these guys making fun of Kenny G. And he's like, yeah, it sucks, but I'm awesome. He's very, like, sure of himself. Oh, okay. Yeah, which I don't have that. If a bunch of news stories, or not news story, but, like, comedy shows were about you and they were shitting on you. Yeah, that would hurt. I'd be crushed. That'd be tough. Look at these guys with the hair.

What are they thinking? You have to be very confident. They don't have a lot of friends going, you sure? That's what it is. You need some of those friends. Like, think about if we rolled into the comedy cellar with hair. I mean, first of all, I don't have hair like that, so I can't. No, we go up. But if you did, oh, yeah, I'll look like a racer head if this shit keeps going. Right, right. Look at that guy.

Imagine rolling in with that hair. They'd just be like, well, look at this pretty boy. You just get fucking railed. I have that at the Gap. I'm in the green room. I don't know, the dressing room. Like, oh, look at this jacket. It's like a leather jacket. Then I just hear every high school friend going, what are you, fucking crazy? You piece of shit. You can't pull that off. And I take it right off. They followed you to go shopping. Yeah, yeah. They're still there.

Yeah, no, man. I'm with you. I put on a jacket. I'm just like, who do you think you are? I know. Who the fuck do you think you are? Just, you know. We got to push through. We got to grow up. Kenneth Gordick. With this jacket, apparently a detective. But apparently I'm on Law and Order SVU with this one. Is that Count Chocula? Who is that? I'm a vampire hunter. Ha ha.

Yeah, but look at him. He's a walking punchline, but he's very sure of himself. He's confident. His name is Kenneth Gorlick.

He's obsessed with music. He said he practices three hours a day still. He looks like a number two pencil with a hairnet or something. It's like fucking two hours a day? Three. That's a lot. Still goes. Still going. Well, I mean, that's how you become one of the best. That's what it is. Yeah. What channel is the doc on? HBO is doing this whole music box thing and it's got like everybody. But they're picking interesting...

Interesting people to use. Kenny G, I think they're doing a whole run of people who are, you wouldn't think about in music, but they're huge. When is HBO going to become global? They're not? No. I think Netflix and YouTube are the only global ones. Really? I think that's why...

Those comedy specials just don't do as well. Yeah, I guess you're right. Hmm. I don't know. I thought they were global HBO. They have like 40 million subscribers compared to Netflix, like 210 million. Oh, wow. Yeah. Crazy. But how many of those are stolen passwords? You know, I mean, they've got to cut that in half.

Really? I'm not paying for it. Are you? Netflix? No, I'm not. That's like the only one I don't pay for. That's my dad's account. I pay for all the others. Yeah, I don't pay for any. Really? And I steal cable outside of that. Ha ha!

You should keep saying this. Oh, yeah, you're right. You're going to be in court. They're like, he steals cable. You're like, no, I don't. Roll the footage. I steal cable. I steal every episode. Matt, you and I steal cable. Well, when's the last time you watched live TV on your TV set? I mean, I never. Sports. I'll do sports. Oh, sports. Yeah. That's it. No news. No news.

I do news, but I do the channels that come with my TV. So it's like I have a Samsung, so you get like CBS News. You get like, you get those. Right, right. Yeah, I don't really watch cable news much. Occasionally on the road I do. It's just, it's like noise in the hotel. Yeah. Well, you get why kids don't do it because you go through the guide and you're like, there's nothing on. It's like Ginsu knives, fucking, what's that? C-SPAN. It's horrible. It's horrible.

You know, it's weird. You're like, it's like Russian roulette, but they're all bullets. Right. You know, it just sucks. You're like, how are these all fucking bad? It's true. Golden Girls is on, you know, then you got to sit through commercials. There's nothing good on there.

Yeah, it's weird. It's like, it's kind of like Pandora where you're like, just hope, but it's like Pandora for shit you don't like. Pandora at least you put in something you like, but you know, you're kind of given this random shit and you're like, I mean, there is a weird satisfaction though when you're flipping and you land on something you like. That is nice. Like same with the radio. If you're just like, cause you don't use a radio much either anymore, but if you just like you're doing it and then you hit like,

Oh shit. Teenage Wasteland. That was cool. You know what I mean? Yeah, that's a good point. Or like you're scrolling on TV and you're like, oh, Office rerun. That's cool. But it's so fucking, but then you think about, you're like, well, I could just pick any episode of whatever. Exactly. You know, you just look where it's streaming, but I guess there is that excitement factor. I know. And that's where I got to cool it. Cause I'll be like these kids today. And then I just slowly wean off too. I become like them. Cause it just, it's better.

It's better. But then also it's like we talk about how expensive cable is, but then how many like streamers do you have to buy to watch what you want? I know. That's how they get you. Did you ever have a kid? Like we didn't have cable growing up for a while. My dad's like, we don't need that. And then eventually we got it. But I wonder if there's kids now who are like, come on, dad, get Netflix. We're watching TV here. I think the reason Disney is number two is because of kids. Oh.

Well, I hope so. Because everyone has... Kids are special needs adults. Who else is watching... Just a 60-year-old man in a turtleneck. Honey, do you want to watch Hawkeye, the series? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, no, it's...

It's fucking weird. I guess. Disney Channel was huge. I mean, parents could just put it on and go like, all right. But they have all the Marvel stuff. And they do have Simpsons, you know? They do. Yeah. That's the big thing for guys like us. But yeah, they have the Beatles thing.

That's Disney? That's Disney Plus. Whoa. They do have some stuff, but yeah, they have a lot. It's mostly for kids. And I think they have ESPN. They own ESPN. I don't know if they have it on this. Maybe they have some. They own it. They have like. Scary when Disney starts owning shit. Well, you get that nostalgia shit where you get like the X-Men, like remember the X-Men cartoon? Oh, I love that. Wolverine was like a comic. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Cyclops was like a fucking perfectionist. Wolverine was like the bad boy who just didn't play by the rules. Yes. Hell yeah, dude. Yeah, one of the rare comics with stubble. Yeah. You know, he was grungy. He was gritty. He had edge. He was short, too. Short. He was angry he was short, too. Yeah, short guys are pissed. And then he could heal really quickly, which after a few of these, I wish I had. Yeah, I know. That dude never got hung over. Good point. They never talk about that. It's awesome. Well, he got herpes. He's like, I'll be good. Ha.

The girl's like, hey, I'm fine. They're clearing up as we speak. I got chlamydia. He's like, I'll still fuck you. She's like, you better wear a condom. He's like, ah. Wolverine did not wear condoms. No, no. He was like the first depressed superhero we were exposed to. Yeah, but you got to watch out for the fingering. Easy, Wolfie. You're on your period. No, I'm not. Shit, I think I just killed you.

Yeah. He was like a depressed superhero. He was always like sad. You're right. What happened? His mom died? Something happened. He never got the girl. It's like Cyclops got the girl. He was just like a sad. That was a good show. That was a good show. Professor X was in a wheelchair. Beast was smart. Gambit was fun.

Loved Gambit. As a New Orleans guy, Gambit was big because he had the cards and, how you doing, shit? I guarantee, you know? They made him all Cajun-y. Oh, Gambit fucking rocked. Yeah. It's funny how comic books, we shit on them. Like, oh, this guy's a comic book guy. He's a nerd. He's a virgin. He can't get laid. Get out of the basement. You live with your mom. But then they make so much money. So then, like, you get Hugh Jackman into it. Nerds make money. I mean, look at tech. Look at tech. Yeah.

Tech was maybe the- Nerds run the world. Zuckerberg's a nerd. Yeah, I think that was a flip.

You know, like, Revenge of the Nerds was, like, a crazy idea. It's a comedy. Revenge of the Nerds. Get out of here. Come on. Nerds would win. Then you rewatch it. There's at least two rape scenes in that movie. You're like, all right, this ain't good. They're like, Panty Raid. You're like, you can't do it. Panty Raid is like. That's over. That's over. Or the one where he just, like, bangs her in the boyfriend's costume. I'm like, you tricked a woman into banging her. This is crazy. And then he ate her out. That's basically the Houdini. Remember the Houdini? Yeah.

But then at the end, they play Queen. We are the champions. We're like, yeah, fuck it. They earned it. That movie was, I loved it as a kid. Oh, for sure. Yeah. John Goodman. The bad guy. Yeah. Lamar. Remember he had the big. Can we get that song? When the nerds. Yeah. Clap your hand, everybody. Oh, yeah. With Anthony Edwards. That dude. Are we going to get demonetized if we do that? Oh, we might. Then fuck it. Don't do it.

Now they're going to have a movie called Revenge of the Jocks. They have to go the other way now. The nerds are bullying them. You'll never get into college. They're like these fucking nerds. Yeah, right. You don't know how to do taxes. They're in a huddle for football. The girls are blowing the nerds because they're like, he's going to be really successful. Yeah.

Guys, we got to win this game. We need a scholarship. That's true. They're like, you don't know how to do Robin Hood, Bitcoin? What a fucking retard. Yeah, you're right. They made four of those. They really started slipping. Remember Booger? Booger was the fucking man. I loved Booger. They had a 10-year run, 84 to 94. Three and four were pretty terrible. I didn't even know about those. I watched them all as a kid. Wow. Number two, Barry Sobel.

That's right. Big part. He had a run. Yeah, dude. We know Barry Sobel. We know him. Not bragging. I mean, that guy was a phenom in the 80s, stand-up comic, did Carson, blew it out, friends with Tom Hanks. Open for Eddie Murphy. That's right. Yeah, he was punchline. I used to walk around the city with Barry Sobel, and all these black guys were like, Barry Sobel, Sobel. I'm like, you know every black guy is like, I did Eddie Murphy's show once, and that was it.

What is, can you pull up his thing on Dr. Katz? I wonder if they have that Barry Soto on Dr. Katz. Oh, talk about a throwback. Dr. Katz. Dr. Katz was the shit. Oh, Barry with an E. Oh, it's an A. There we go. There he is. Dr. Katz.

Dr. Katz was a show on Comedy Central that had squiggly lines. How can you pull that up with you? There we go. Are they going to kill us? Because Comedy Central is a bunch of cheapskates. You go to the person behind the counter whose job it is to help you. I say, you know, I've lost my luggage, typical New York style. The person goes, yeah, that's all I need now. You and your bags.

What do you want me to do? Pick up the airport and shake it till your bags fling out? Who am I, Kreskin? What am I, Uri Geller? Shirley MacLaine in the head? What am I, the magician David Copperballs? What? What is this, the psychic bags balls network? Did you know your bags went to San Jose? Excuse me. No, no, excuse me. I think you're a little out of line. Hey, here's something. You know what your bags look like, and you can't find them. I don't know what they look like.

Man, Barry Sobel, huge. That was entertainment back in the 90s. Dr. Cass. Oh, fun show. And a brilliant joke writer, by the way. I love his stuff. He used to do a joke about, I just did a benefit for the survivors of the last benefit I did. What?

Wow, that's his? Yeah. That's great. Classic. I think he's in a wheelchair now. I think he has MS. Oh, damn. He was so funny. So funny. That show was incredible. Great show. I love him telling the joke and Dr. Guest goes, what? Yeah. I mean, it's so funny. What is such an underrated punchline? What? What? Yeah, that's gold. Do you have any bits you're working on? Oh.

Oh, boy. You should have asked. I'm backlogged. I finally had a rush of creativity. Me too. It took long enough for me.

I got two. Hmm. The question is which one? I'll try this one. Yeah, I'm in the same boat. So I got this car now and I'm like, I'm actually trying to invest in the car. Like I'm changing the oil. I'm putting fluids in it. I'm like trying to be hands on with the car and it makes you love the car more. You know, I'm out there. And it made me realize, thank God babies take nine months. Because if you could make a baby in five minutes as a woman, they'd all be in the dumpster.

Because you need that time to fall in love with it. You work hard for it. You have the labor, labor of love, you know? And like, imagine you're like, oh, I got a hot date tonight. I'm pregnant. I'll make one when it's over. You know, if a baby was that easy to make, you wouldn't care about it as much. Interesting. That's all I got. Yeah, yeah. If a baby were that easy to make...

You wouldn't give a shit. Yeah, it's like fast food versus a gourmet meal. Right. You really prepare it. Yeah, you care about it because this took care, this took work. Yes, which is probably why so many men leave because they didn't do any of the work. They just got off, you know, and the baby is done.

But she was like, I love this thing. You're just going to leave the family? And he's like, ah, I'm good. That's why your mom gets so mad when you don't appreciate a meal she worked really hard on. Yes, exactly. That took me eight hours. I'm sorry, it's good. Yeah, yeah, I got to go. I got to see my friends. But the baby takes so long to make for a woman that they love it. Thank God. It would be horrible if they were made in five minutes because you just keep making them. I'll make another one. But the fact that it's hard to do...

Makes you appreciate it. I don't know if they throw them in the dumpster if they make it very fun. But like, yeah, you would keep trying. Yeah, yeah. This one looks weird. Yes, exactly. I could just knock this out again in five minutes. But the process of it makes it really worth something. That's all I got. But I feel like there's something there. I could play with that. And this is starting with the car. Yeah, I could start with anything, but the car is where I got the idea. Yeah.

It's satisfying. The baby is. It's like a rich kid who's given everything. He doesn't appreciate it. Then he ends up on opioids, you know, because he's got no. It's the satisfaction of something comes from the work working on it. Right. But I don't know if that's the angle because the dad is satisfied, too, I think.

What do you mean? Because he got off? No, because there's a baby. I don't think he's not happy with the baby. So I think that's tough. Right, right. The dad. Well, the dad stays with the woman and the wife or whatever, and they work on it together. She's pregnant. He's helping her. Then he's invested.

That's true. So he's like the sous chef. Yeah, there you go. She's the chef. He's like seasoning. She's really doing the heavy lifting. Right, right. But then the dad is like, I'll do the dishes, you know? Yes. It's like the diaper. Right, yeah. Oh, that's a good aspect, the cook part. It is like a meal you labor over. Yes. And you care more about it. You get Grubhub, you're like, ah, there it is.

You know, that's good. But if you really sit there with the food and the sauce and the seasoning and prepare it, it means more to you. Well, the takeout is kind of like a one-night stand. You got the wrappers. Yes. You toss it out. Right, right. Imagine a one-night stand call and you go, I'm pregnant. You're like, oh, that was, you know, that was a pizza. You know, I'm done. Yeah. I don't know. It could be something. There's something here. Okay. But I think the idea of like...

You're invested, but then I'm trying to think of like an adoption angle too because you know, you're like you care because you did the work, but you also like. Oh, that's good. But then also if you can't get a meal, you're grateful for a meal. Yeah. I'm trying to think of like. Oh, yeah. I don't know. I'm trying to open this up. We'll work for food. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think that adoption process is a nightmare. Yeah. So you almost kind of earn it there too. And you can't have a baby yourself, so it does mean more. Yeah. There's something here for sure. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, okay, I'll noodle. I like the adoption angle. Tell me if you've heard this before because I'm like, I like this idea and I don't know if it's been done before. It sounds like maybe someone could have done. I want to make sure they haven't. So you saw that congressman holding all the guns? No. There was that picture of that congressman. You saw what I'm talking about, right? I don't think so. With his family. The whole family's holding the rifles. Is this the shooter in Michigan? No, that was the crumbly or whatever. That was a different thing. Okay.

Yeah, you saw this. Well, I did not see this. Oh, really? Well, I was doing a thing about how like these people when they post gun pictures, they always act like they're responsible gun owners. But like you're posting it because you think you look cool. Like it's like if you're responsible, how come these people never post a picture with a fire extinguisher? Oh. Like you never see them post just like a fire extinguisher like, I hope I never have to use this. But if I do, I'll fucking do it, dude. Yeah, that's true. You know, like that's, yeah. Have you heard something like that? No, I like it. Okay. And fire extinguishers have a safety on it too.

Yeah. One of the lines was, I'll spray a whole school. I don't give a shit. Yeah. That's not it, though. That's not where I'm going. Right, right. I can do better than that, but I think, like, there's something there, right? I love that. Yeah. And that's a firearm. And the fire extinguisher, maybe your arm's on fire. You got to put it out. Ah.

I'm reaching. There's something here. Yeah. I love that. They talk about responsibility. That's the angle. Yeah. And you're just like, this isn't about responsibility. This is, you think you look cool. Yeah. No one's holding up condoms. Yeah. No one's posted an Instagram picture with a divorce lawyer. I'm happily married, but just in case, just in case I have to use this. Yeah. Fire extinguisher is funny though. Cause it's also an object that shoots. Exactly. I like that a lot. That's big. Yeah.

Should we plug dates? Oh, yeah. I mean, do we get it in? Oh, okay. I'm in Toronto, I believe. This comes out the first week of January, so I'll be here on Friday. And that's January 7th at some theater. I forgot. It's on my website. Okay.

one night only baby. So I hope I see, or maybe we added, hopefully we added one who the hell knows, but yeah, I'll be there. I'll be at, uh, I'll be at, uh, Richmond, Virginia, Sandman, uh, January. I'll be at Timonium, Maryland, uh, Hartford, Connecticut, Sacramento, Columbus, Ohio, uh,

I think we're going to add an L.A. date, hopefully add San Diego and Houston at some point. We'll see. Samorelle.com slash shows. And the big one is Beacon Theater, May 7th. You better come out, baby. New York City. Hell yeah. Can't beat that Beacon. That's going to be epic.

I hope you guys come out in New York. Go support. And email us stuff. We might be drunkpod at gmail.com. Wrecks, peeves, jokes, drinks, whatever. Mark, where are you going to be? Here, here. Yes, yes. Send us anything you got. To the Patreon. Packages to Gotham Studios on 38th Street.

I'm at Sacramento Punchline and the Stress Factory in Connecticut. Tulsa, Oklahoma. They got a new club now. Oh, nice. Cincinnati Funny Bone, the Liberty. A little outside of Cincinnati, let's be honest. 30, 40 minutes outside. They do a good job there. They do. It's a good room. It's a good time. Good staff. And...

And all kinds of fun stuff. I'm blanking. Oh, I'm doing Kentucky. Something in Kentucky. Lexington? Not Lexington. They got a new one. Louisville. Louisville's kind of close. Oh, just open? Yeah, just open. That's a cool city. So come out to that Kentucky. I never go to Kentucky. I've never been there. I hear it's cool. Yeah, can't wait. Love Kentucky. Underrated state. All kinds of good stuff. MarkNormanComedy.com, Syracuse, and also La Jolla, and... Oh, there's one more. Okay.

Kansas City. There it is. I pulled it out of my ass. And thank you. We love you. Appreciate it. Happy New Year. Praise Allah. Comedy.

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