Ep 54: Sean Patton & Manhattans
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We might be drunk, we might be drunk, as long as we are hanging out, you know we might be drunk. Raise a glass, let's talk shit, pep heaps, wrecks, and a bit, maybe drunk, we might be drunk, yeah. Holy hell, good morning Vietnam! Happy holidays folks, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah...

Boxing day? Hanukkah's over. Ah, shit. It's been over. It's over? Yeah. Damn. When this comes out, yeah. That eight days came and went. Yeah, yeah. Oh, hey, we got to introduce our guest. Why don't you tell the people who's sitting over there? Our boy, another New Orleans native, a fucking killer. Yes. One of the best storytellers in the game. Woo! Our buddy, dressed as Santa. Woo!

somewhat yeah sean padden hey we're here we're here we're here in the santa's mechanic i know right he fixed the sleigh sometimes he lets me drive you know uh he's getting old he's getting old if santa were real would it be like a would it be like a dread pirates roberts remember the dread pirate roberts no i've never heard that's two fucking gentlemen who fancy themselves as comedic

Almanacs. The Princess Bride. Okay. Oh, I've never seen it. You've never seen the Princess Bride? And I have another one I've never seen. I know, I know. I've gotten shit for this. And I see a lot of movies, so that's a pretty big one that I'm missing. But that's the Princess Bride. Yeah, you're going to love it. And I've seen My Dinner with Andre, so I really should have seen the Princess Bride. And you're a wrestling guy, aren't you? No. I like wrestling. I'm not like a wrestling guy.

I know you're an MSG guy, and I feel like they do wrestling there. True. I feel like you spend a lot of time in the garden. I should say I'm doing the drinks today because the beer Jew is gone. What happened to the beer Jew? He picked up a job. We're recording later in the night. We can't always do during the day. We got shit to do. Nice.

Tell the folks what you're cooking up here. I'm making a Sam Morrell's famous Manhattan. I'm not measuring it. This looks more like a, call this a Staten Island by the end of the night. Call this a Hoboken. Sam Morrell made us a Hoboken.

Remember when you thought, I used to think Long Island iced teas were classy. Oh. I was like, oh, Long Island iced tea. Where were you born, Myrtle Beach? Dude. Well, because it looks classy. It's packaged classy. Yeah. It's got the umbrella in it sometimes. I mean, yeah. Well, I said this earlier. Mark and I, okay, so Mark grew up in like the, I always say you grew up in like the alphabet city of New Orleans. Right.

Okay. And I grew up in like the Staten Island. Yes. Oh, yeah. I've heard you say that. Yeah. But equal parts kind of, I wouldn't call us white trash, but I like to call us white recyclables. I like it. We can be repurposed. Yes. Hear, hear. But still, I also remember thinking wine coolers were like, hey, you're on top of your shit if you're pounding wine coolers when you drive your kids to school. Yeah.

Old English was a big one here. Wait, do you ever think wine coolers are like looking at shelters being like, fuck you. I was doing this. Yeah. I was doing this.

30 years ago. That's true. Way ahead of it. Yeah. Yeah, I just went down to Nola for turkey, and I went on a gator tour. What? I just said, fuck it, I'm going back to my roots. I saw you post this. What is that? You get on a fan boat, and you go to the swamp and see gator. It's like a safari, southern style. Did they have the guy with the little ice chest thing?

The ice chest strapped to the front of it with bungee cords. Yes. And he opens it and just pulls out raw, not raw chicken breasts, like dead half chickens. Oh, yeah. Was he doing that? Oh, shit. Oh, yeah. And just throwing them out there to like, so you see the gator come swimming up. Yeah, it was exciting. Did you pretend you were looking for Brian Laundrie? I should have. Damn. But no, no, it was just great. And I hadn't gone since I was like five. So there it is. Oh, shit. You got to pull it up. Yeah.

Oh, it's on my Instagram. But I mean, talk about coon ass and the New Orleans accent out there. It's a whole nother. You said it best. It's a Brooklyn accent with his annex. Yeah. I just got to back you up right now because the fucking Internet's going to eat you alive.

Oh, please. Because you just dropped coon ass. I promise you that is a phrase that has nothing to do with race. It's a Cajun hillbilly. It's a Cajun hillbilly. Yes. I have heard- Mark just drops the N-word. We're like, that was race. That was not good. But fucking- Dude, I said that once in a- I'm talking 10 years ago. Thank you. Should we throw a little more ice in there? Oh, wait. Yeah, please. Oh, wait. Is that-

I wasn't even shooting the shit about gator meat, and you already whipped us up some. I'm still worried about the amount of bourbon you poured in there, but I'm all right. Oh, boy. I got three shows tonight. Uh-oh. I might only be able to do four of them. I got three shows. I got three sets. I might only do four.

Thank you, sir. I said that one. Hey, Sam, thank you, sir. Can you do the NOLA accent? I'm talking the hardcore, heavy duty. It's just sort of like you got to drop. I feel like you got to drop all your words back in the back of your mouth. Cheers. Hey, cheers to y'all. Mazel tov. Happy holidays. Merry Christmas. Happy holidays. That's pretty good. Is that good? That's very good.

How did I do? That's very fucking good. Oh, it's great. Yeah. Really? Nailed it. I mean, it's good because I can tell I'm going to be...

I know, right? I got to get my act together. There it is. Look at that. Come on. You can't let excitement on the fan boat down by the bayou. Looking for them gators. Down there on the, where you at? You down there on the atchafalaya? You down there on the, where you at? Bayou Banfuca? There he is. Are you driving? No, I was next to the guy, though. When did you move here, Sean? How long before Mark? We're the same year.

No, you were first. I mean, I got here before you. You were the ambassador. I think I got here in March, and then you and Zach Sims. Y'all got here in like September. Yeah. So like same year. Zach Sims. Yeah, he was funny. Funny guy. Phenom. Out of the gate. He was like 15 doing comedy. I remember from open mics in New Orleans. Wow. Too late. He's a guy. Yeah.

Wait, did you do fucking open mics in New Orleans when you went to Tulane? Yeah, I knew Wild Bill Dykes. Come on, look at this. It's all coming around. Wait, when were you at Tulane?

I was a freshman the year Katrina happened, so I think it was... All right, so I was already gone. I was already... All right. I was here for 9-11. I was there for Katrina. Yeah, bro. I'm bad luck. Dude, I don't know. Hey, move him to China. Huh? Huh? Is that... He's moving to Wuhan. Am I right? Am I right? People on the right? You fucks. He's got a summer home in Columbine. All right, all right, all right. Dude, we... Every time he goes to LA, oh, shit.

Bloodslide. No, dude, it was those open mics, Lucy's Surfer Bar. That was classic. That was it. That was a great role for it. Neil Stasny I knew. Neil Stasny. Neil and I, I moved up here in March. Neil moved right like a few weeks later. Me and Neil Stasny shared a bedroom in two separate apartments. Wow. Damn. Over the course of two years living in Brooklyn. Ruined our friendship. It sucks. Really? It'll do it. Yeah, I love Neil. I'll always love him. He's a great joke writer. I hope he's doing well. But it fucking, it'll just, you know. Aw.

Living with another dude for two years in two separate apartments. It's tough. Share a bedroom. Yeah. Share a bedroom? What is this, Oliver Twist? Holy shit. Well, you see a side of people, just being roommates, you see a side of people that you're like, all right, it's a different friendship. I mean, yeah. I mean, he saw a side of me that probably no one should see. I mean, I'm a fat, snoring slob. And he had to...

Damn. So you shared one room and you snore? Oh, he snores like a wildebeest. You got the CPAP, right? I have a CPAP now. Thank God. I have a CPAP. It doesn't truly work. It just numbs it. It brings my snoring from like a 10 to like a...

Are people outside doing construction like, keep it down. We stayed in the Denver condo together. You know the Denver condo. The comedy works. It's a two bedroom, two bedroom apartment. Can they get ceiling? Can they get walls? That's where they get you. They were telling me to stay there. I'm there with Vitor. I hear his little feet dangling across the hallway every time he gets up. It was...

It was Ari, Joe List, Steve Simone, and me, and him in the condo. At one point at five in the morning, we all came out with nightcaps on and a candle going, this fucking guy, we gotta kill him. We thought about killing him. We're standing over you with spears, like Lord of the Flies. That happened with Mike Racine. Mike is a horrible snorer, and we would share hotel rooms early on, and I was like, I wanna fucking kill this guy. He was also in a bad relationship at the time. Oh.

So, you know when you have that check-in call when you're like fighting with your girlfriend and you're like, I'm going to take a walk and do this call. You would just have it right next to me. I'd be like, dude, you got to like go somewhere. Yeah. He's very Italian. Well, no. Like the only, snorers can only share, like Canaan and I have shared rooms. And we're both snorers.

But we've shared, me, Kanaan, but there's been other comedians, like, the next morning, they're just, like, bloodshot eyes, like, you guys ready to go or what? You're like, oh, you've been up all night because we're fucking tag teaming you with our fucking honk shoes, baby. Plus the booze. Throw that on top of it. Yeah. I mean, it sucks, man. It sucks because also, I know, like, I'm in an almost eight-year relationship, and I know my snoring is fucking...

You know, it's probably not as good as it should be because of that. What's his name? All right. What causes snoring? Why do people snore? I mean, for me, it's probably 40% because I'm fat. I'm just going to beat all the shitheads online to the punch here because I'm a fat fuck, because I drink too much, because I'm gay, because I'm a... I snore too, and I'm not fat. Do you snore? Oh, man. I've had girls leave me.

What? Yeah. I mean, I fake snoring so they would leave. Oh, that's why you wanted me to coach you. Snore coaching sessions. But no, I'm a bad snorer. You know what? You turned into a punchline when you become the like snoring grandpa, though. Like my grandma would snore and he would just like be in his chair snoring. And we would just laugh. It was hilarious. Yeah. Wait, wait. Okay. It's a thing. Do you snore?

Not that I know of. That means you don't. Do either of you, are either of you burrowers in the sack, though? Do you move at all? Yes, I do. Because I find snorers often stay 100% put until someone moves. So you got that going. So yes, there's the balance. I'm swarmy.

Yeah. You're stormy? I'm Stormy Daniels. No, I'm squirmy. So you're banging Trump in bed every night? Every night. It's rough. But you're a lanky son of an onion, so you must be, you're like one of those guys outside of a used car lot. You know, you're all limbs. Yeah, dude.

I sold a Dodge Neon. No, I'm moving in the car, in the bed a lot, and I get up to pee a ton. So I'm one of those. Oh, damn. I get up to pee a lot. If we, the three of us were in a spaceship that flew into like a cosmic event that turned us all, a radioactive event that turned us all into superheroes, you would definitely become the stretchy guy. Yes.

Right, right, right. Who are you? What is your mark? Yeah, what am I? Am I flaming? I think you're the flame. All right, I'll take it. And I turn into the stone, I guess. Oh, yeah, you're the thing. I'm the thing. I turn into the thing. We don't have a woman. No woman. The chair just develops a bunch of vaginas. Those couches turn into pussies. That's a great couch. We just start fucking the couches off.

Where are they? The building's on fire. They're just fucking couches. No wonder Bill Cosby shopped at Sleepy's. All right. Is that what it's called, Sleepy's? Yeah, it's a mattress store. That's what I was looking for. You know what I like most about this drink? This little fucking bad boy. I know, that's not me. That's the beer Jew. He brings in the nice... I believe this is him, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, it's for the cherries. I mean, dude, Manhattan, I like a... You ever have a Vucaray?

That's a New Orleans. Yeah. Can you look that up, Matt? It's square. It's almost like a Manhattan with absinthe, sort of. Oh. Absinthe is like the devil's. That's the devil's saliva. Get that absinthe all over your ding dong. It doesn't work, though. You'll see shit, and you're like, no, I'm just hammered. No, yeah. Well, they only say that because I think previously,

Before there was administrations to monitor how much booze was actually in booze, there was absence batches that were just like 170 proof. Right. So people would have two cocktails. I'd be like, oh, I'm seeing shit. It's like, no, you're actually not seeing shit. Yes. Because you're so fucked up, you can't focus. They do that on movies, too, where the guy will go, and then it's like, whoa.

and all this shit. Like, that never happens. I just turn inward. I hug my knees. I cry. But I've never seen a pink elephant. Have you done hallucinogens? Yes. You've never done acid or shrooms? We've talked about this before. Okay, well, if you ever want to. Mark is pushing me to do it on the podcast, which is a hard no. I'd be fun. I'm not busting my cherry on the podcast. All right. Can I tell you? It'd be fun. I've never done shrooms with Mark, but I've been so...

Two years ago, maybe. Whatever, 2019, we're in fucking Salt Lake City. Yeah. And it's Bert, Ari, Renazizi, O'Neal, me. That's where I gave you that...

Oh, in the band of tub? Yeah. We all got in the... No, I was the only one who didn't get it. Oh, okay. Because they all got in the hot tub and all got a rash and I didn't get to... I was the only one... Was it you? I had a rash cooking and we got in the tub and we all got... I was the only one... No, I got in, I think...

day two or something. I didn't have enough exposure. I was rubbing my shit on your pillow. I didn't tell you. Well, there was that last night. You gave everyone a rash? Apparently. Well, it was not a rash. It was, what do you call it? UTI. Yeah, UTI. Yeah, I had a wicked UTI. Doesn't that hurt? You get used to it. Yeah, you know. You don't have to enjoy peeing. It's quick. Yeah, yeah. You know? It's like giving birth. You do it because you have to. There you go. Because you're biologically programmed to get this thing out of your crotch.

But the fucking... I didn't know it transferred via hot tub. That was news to me. Well, you remember, y'all took shrooms. Oh, yeah. The last night. That was a mistake. And we just were like, we're just in the fucking condo or whatever, the Airbnb, and Mark's just like popping up giggling places. Yes. So you'd just be chatting, and Mark would just appear right there. It's like...

It was so fucking funny. Like, you'd just be like, forget that you're in the kitchen eating. You're like, I know, right? I mean, I eat this shit all the time. And Mark would be like, ah, me too. You're like, where the fuck did you come from? Yeah. Michelle Wolf told me that she shroomed with you once in Bonro. She said that Mark was like, she described him as a cat.

He would just show up from time to time. And then run away. And you'd be happy to see him, and then he'd run away. Yeah. You said that about a tell once, I remember. A tell is like a cat. At the cellar, he came over to say hi, and I asked him one too many questions, and he walked away. And you were like, you scared him off. He's a grumpy cat. He's like a bodega cat. You pet him a couple times, then he just runs away. You're like, just be happy for the moment. He's got to be happy you get a tell for a minute. He's over there spraying.

He's over there spraying on something. Right.

Yeah. This smells like iced coffee and cigarettes in a filter. I love it. I can't believe you gave people a rash in a hot tub. It's so weird to get that in a place where you relax. Oh, yeah. Good point. That sucks. My argument's also that that hot tub was definitely not vetted before. For sure. It was an Airbnb hot tub. It could have been fucking... And it had six sweaty, drunk guys in it. Drunk comedians. Yeah. That's also...

That's where you mentioned blowing a guy. Yeah. I don't know if that was supposed to go out in the air. I don't fucking. That's it. Yeah, I've had one. Here we go. Is that all right? We can edit. Dude, editing is for the weak. Wow. Oh, that's a T-shirt. Now, do we let them know I was the guy you blew or no? It was there. We can tell by the shirt. That's when you mentioned blowing a guy when you were blowing me. Right. Sorry about that, Rich. No, I mean, it was 2013.

I'm shitting you not. The year of blowjobs. Yeah. 2013, right after I filmed Half an Hour, my Common Central Half Hour. Uh-huh. We were at the... You've done... Did you do... Where did you do yours? Boston. All right, so it was Boston. Okay, same year. The Royale Theater. Same place. You remember, afterwards, we're all at the W, just getting shit-wrecked, canned...

you know, in the comedy central suite. Then we got kicked out of there. Yep. And then we just kept doing the thing where like 20 of us went to another person's room. Then only seven of us went to another person's room and then four of us. And then it ended up being me in this. He was one of the, he was one of the employees. That's all I know. And he was like an attractive dude who I could tell had been like flirtatious towards me. He's a hunk. You know, he had another guy. He tried to blow me. I said, no, cause I have a little self-control, but he's a good looking guy.

But I was at that point where I was like, huh, single. Why the fuck not do this? Why not just give it a go? Wow. I like how open minded you are. Yeah, I'm very. You're not giving head. You're receiving head. Well, no, I did both. We both have. Both have. Because it was in that moment where I was like, I have to know. I have to like, I'm going for it. You know?

Yeah, I know, right? Yeah, yeah. Oh, I didn't know you blew him. I thought he blew you. You said it in the setup. I did not know you blew him. I was joking. Well, this changes everything. This is a very specific type of homophobic. I just had no idea. Woo!

I'm getting a phone call. I got to get out of here. I want my son to be a cashier, not a receiver, damn it. I look at it like visiting, I don't know, like you visit a place where you're like, ah, that was interesting. I see why people are into it, not for me. All right. Or like a dish. If it were a place, what would it be? Atlantic City. Atlantic City.

Miami. Yeah. That makes sense. You know what I mean? Like, I get it. I get why people love it, but just not my scene. Perfect analogy. That's good. I had a gay thing with a kid when we were seven. We made out for a while. Whoa. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were seven years old. I mean, I was at, you know, all-boys school, so it was prison gay.

But no, yeah, for sure. That's pretty young even for a make out with a woman. Well, yeah, I mean, that's the thing. It's like you can't physically really go further. Right. Your dick doesn't get hard. Good point. You're limited. I feel like it doesn't get soft at that age. I feel like I had a boner until I was 14. Really? This is your superpower. I feel like some people remember their first boner. I remember the first one. I'm like, why is it soft?

Will it ever be normal again? That would be... Like, everyone always gets, like, superpowers, like, you know, in those movies. What if there's a guy who just can't not get hard? The second he comes, he's hard again. He's like, fuck, this is my life. Viagra man. You kind of help with the villains. He tries to run by, you trip him. You know, it's a dick. Trip wire. It took me a second. It was good. If we were an improv group,

That would have been a... I'd be out. That would have been a moment like, guys, we're not yes-handing Mark here. That must be the hardest part. You never think about that. Improv groups, they must kick people out sometimes. Yeah, if you bomb enough, I'm sure. That must be tough. Oh, yeah. I mean...

Where do you go from there? I have seen good improv. Same. But it's like, you could tell it's fuckers who've been together for a decade. Yeah. And just hang out all the time. I mean, technically, in many ways, a podcast is just improv. True. Yeah. True. You know what I mean? We're just like hoping to get something good out of this. We're all laughing together. We're like listening. We're talking. And there's just no like, I'm a...

i'm a mad professor right right and i demand you give me your firstborn child give me a location where you should be there's none of that you just go you're not getting any audience i mean you know i forgot about that part which is never you know todd glass yeah he's my fucking favorite guy so what i love about todd so

I think crowd work's fun and all, but I feel like a lot of times crowd work is essentially just repeating whatever they just said back to you in a different tone. Where are you from? Like Oklahoma. Like Oklahoma? Right. And people are like, ah!

They acknowledge the person. Yeah. But Todd, but there's some people who are excellent at that shit. But Todd does this other level of crowd work where it's almost like he's taking what the audience is saying and then putting it into his, the fucking crazy comedy machine that is his brain. Yep. And he's being like, what if? So I saw him once in LA. He was like, where are you guys? Do you guys do it? So do you do improv comedy? Are you guys improvisers? And one of the guys is like, I do. He's like, it's crazy, right? Because when you ask for suggestions, it's bullshit.

You don't really care what they say. You already have a thing planned. You already do. He's like, what if I did that? What if I was the stand-up comedian? Here's what was going to happen. And he gave the audience the script. He's like, I'm going to ask for a suggestion. No matter what you say, I'm going to hear bulldozer. All right? So he comes in and he leaves the stage, comes back out, and he's like, all right, guys. I'm a one-man improv group. Well, I need a suggestion of a machine that's used on a construction site. And people are just railing random shit. He goes, I heard bulldozer.

And then he starts fucking doing it. And it was just like, oh, man.

That's a level of like comedy that I miss seeing more of. Silly? Not silly or just like taking risks way off in left field. Right. Where like now. It's very meta, right? I mean, you're kind of. It's very meta. And I try. I know I tend to lean that way sometimes. A lot of comedians still do that a lot. But I also feel like there's a pressure now because comedies now, I don't know if they're fucking like telling kids at 14 years old or younger, like you could be, you're funny. You should start doing comedy when you're 18.

When you hit puberty. Yeah. Like there's just so. Well, there's a bigger middle class of comedy than there's ever been. It used to be like you're Joan Rivers or you're like a struggling road comic. And now it's like there's a lot of people making a living at this. Sure. You know, in the middle. Or it finally became respected as a craft is probably what happened. Because I think because everyone, not everyone, like I think for the longest time, people didn't look at being funny as an actual talent.

I think people are like, oh, singing's a talent. Playing an instrument's a talent. Acting, I can't do those things. Acting's a talent, whatever. But I'm funny. I don't know if it is a talent. What? I don't know if it is. I mean, it's like being athletic. It's vague. It's a big umbrella. But if you are athletic and you get good at basketball or running. Because I read this book once. It's like a hone comedy. Sure, yes. You have to hone it. But I do think you have to have it. I agree. And I think the it is a talent. Like, you have to have, like, that innate, that ability to just...

say something like do you remember the first time you were ever funny

I remember some lines I had growing up. I vividly remember the first time. Really? It was ever funny. What was it? I was in the sixth grade and I was at Holy Cross School for Boys. Yeah, yeah. In the lower ninth ward. Yeah. That's where I went to middle school. That's where I eventually knew I was going to blow a good dude one day, I guess. Wow. I beat you to the punch. I remember. I remember. You remember how teachers sometimes would let you just fuck off for the last 15 minutes of class? Yeah.

uh because good especially in louise yeah good teachers really seems to care we always do the rodney voice do you remember uh goodies headache powder yeah so i remember our the teacher was letting us fucking goof off whatever and he was putting goodies headache powder in his drink and someone at one of the students was like what is that he's like it's headache powder i've been you guys are driving me crazy i've been having a pound or all you know whatever

And I remember instinctually just raising my hand. He just called on me, and I went, my uncle snorts goodies up his nose. And he spit took. It's the first time I've ever witnessed that. And laughed his fucking ass off. And everybody else just sort of laughed. And I didn't really even understand what the fuck I meant by that. Whoa.

I just knew I had somehow ascertained that snorting powder up an adult's nose was something that they did but weren't supposed to do. A mature joke for your age. Right, but I just remember being like, oh, this would be funny. Yes. And that's a mild version. I'm sure people have way better versions and way funnier comedians, but I think you still have to have that thing. Yes, yes. It was in you and it had to come out. Right, and you use that. I think like...

Like athleticism, everyone can be athletic, but not everyone is an athlete. Does that make sense? Agreed. Same thing with comedy. Everyone can be funny. Everyone can get better at it. But yeah, you have to start somewhere to make a career. Or like anyone can be funny in a certain situation, but not everyone can...

be a comedian no does that make sense no and i think that line has been blurred lately where it's like oh yeah well no you can do this you just have to move to new york you have to be a comedian you have to get past at the comedy cellar yep you have to get on leno or late night or leno you have a photo of you holding a microphone on facebook right right right you do one open mic you can say i'm a comedian there's a formula to it but yeah but it is interesting like also it it's

great that there's less gatekeepers but at the same time you know bad shit always gets a lot of views like there's that guy who you know you see that guy bragging that he got all those eyeballs over 100 million eyeballs because he did a squid game like rip off and you're like okay but

But this dude had an actual idea. This is the dude that had the idea. You're still not creative. Right, right, right. You're bragging that you are... It's almost like being a good businessman over being... Yes. That's...

rewarded more than originality i agree i'm a fan of the original i like that and this guy's just kind of glomming onto that but you could say the same for weird al yeah you know but i like weird but we're all still weird al still created he's still writing he's still he's everyone and every single one of you weird al songs he parried he found a theme to his parody like even his newer shit

Like, I think the best one he's done of all of Weird Al's catalog so far, even though... It's so funny to say Weird Al's catalog. I know, right? But he's got a lot... Funny that he's got the same word for all his music as Bob Dylan. Yeah. Absolutely. All of his canon. Like, if Weird Al is not inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, it will be... He will be. He will be. It will be a fucking crime. He's a legend. Yeah. But, like... I met him once. Sweet as pie. Yeah, he was awesome. Great guy. I mean, I think some of his best work

was his later shit like the handy the making fun the Iggy Azalea the I'm so handy you don't even know but he raps as a handyman uh

It's a great song. It's pretty brilliant. I'm fat as gold. Dude, Amish Paradise. Oh, that might be his opus. He always found the perfect... Yep. So silly. I always liked Weird Al a lot. Wait, do you have an old school zinger you said as a kid? Because I got one. Yeah, I mean, they're not that funny. I mean, that's the thing when you're a kid. Well, that's okay. Yeah, okay. I mean, it was... I literally...

I was in second grade. I got in trouble with a teacher and I just got on my knees and did Jim Carrey in the mask. You know, when he's like, did you do this? I said, it wasn't me. It was a one-armed man. But I did the Jim Carrey voice in the mask. And he laughed his ass off. And it like that got me out of trouble. So you got on your knees. You were still four, four and a half feet tall. You starting forward. Yeah.

I got on my knees. I said, just let me out of trouble. I'll suck your dick, old man. Come on. No, I said, no, I did the Jim Carrey voice. And he was like, he laughed. And you see that shit. And of course, then you start taking it too far. Because you see that when you get that laugh, it is like a drug. You're chasing some shit. Right. And it's hard to get that high back when you're a kid and you don't know what the fuck you're doing. Yeah, that's why you gotta join theater or some shit. Yeah.

Mine was my first birthday party. I made the invitations. You know, you had to handwrite them out, you know, 50 of them or whatever. And I wrote, be there or be triangle. Not great. Oh, I...

Hey, dude. Are you kidding me? That's a fucking. It's a tweet. But then the big laugh I remember getting was in like fourth grade. My teacher yelled. We were learning about expressions like what goes around comes around and whatever it is. And she said, now, what do you not do in a glass house? And I said, shower. Killed. That's a good line. That's actually still good. Killed. That could end up on some of those Comedy Central. Ha ha ha ha.

The little one-offs. Fat Jew just made a meme out of that one. That was a good one. But here's the clinker. After this girl, Danielle, came up and she was like, you were funny today. Do that again tomorrow. And I remember being like...

So you start to learn the power of comedy. Yeah, yeah. Do that again tomorrow. That's the audience member you see before the show. Like, you better bring it tonight. Yes! Fuck you. That's what it was. Just for that, I'm going to phone it in and get drunk right before the show. Wait, is Fat Juice still a thing? That guy still around? I'm sure. Either that or Fuck Jerry. There's all those memes and jokes. People like us, right? Okay, like a year or so before that whole thing when he stole that dude's Instagram thing, I was in a movie with...

Fat Jew, Marc Maron, Eve, and Metta World Peace. Wow. This is like the birthdays of the day. It's such a random mix. It's a movie called All Wifed Out. I think it's only available on iTunes. It's dog shit, probably. But I never saw it. But I remember shooting it. I was like, this is ridiculous. But I was in every scene with Eve.

and like two scenes with Metta World Peace who can't fucking act. Sorry. Sorry, Metta. Love Metta, though, dude. That dude thought he could act. But he's a fucking legend. That dude would roll around. New York legend. We love you, Metta. Yeah, okay. Yeah, but you can't act. But he's a nice enough guy. But fucking...

fat Jew, that dude told me, and he could have been fucking with me, but it changed my perception. He was like, all of the Hasidic Jew neighborhoods in Brooklyn, they're running ecstasy through. And I was like, what? And he broke this whole thing down where he's like, I'm telling you, they have their own police departments. No one's going in there. That all ecstasy...

flows through interesting the hasidic jewish neighborhoods in williamsburg and crown heights and i was like holy fuck if that's true that's kind of that's kind of amazing yeah that that's like that they're just like women can't walk past the the purim thing not the purim what is it uh they gotta wear wear wigs no but what is it no they're weird with women going out at night or something what is it there's a time of year where they can't have the the string the uh

Oh, the string. That they can't cross. I've seen the string. The women can't leave the. Yes. Or speak English in some situations. Hold on. We got to Google. You wrote women can't. I'm like, ooh, this is going to be a fucking dangerous one. The first thing that popped up was. Women can do anything. Yeah. E-Rov. Yeah. You ever heard of that? I don't know it. Oh, man. Not a good Jew over here. You can't cross these lines, but you can snort some lines of Molly. Yeah, apparently. Molly Steinberg.

That's a girl I dated. Did you really? No, no, I'm just kidding. That'd be fucking funny. Have you ever dated a Jew? You like Jewish women a lot. I've had sex with many. Israeli, by the way. Wow. Talk about a tough cookie. Yeah. My God. She would do a weird thing where I'd bang her and then I'd finish and she'd go, leave it in. Wow. I was like...

All right, so we'd just be laying there. I'm like looking at my phone, you know, just sitting there like, am I good now? She's holding a little mark who's going, triangle, triangle. But the whole time he's talking about a vagina. Right, right. Wait, but you're Jewish, Sam, right?

But I'm not religious. I mean, yeah, I'm not a religious. My girlfriend, my partner is Jewish. Is she really? Cook? Jewish name? I know, right? She seems so cool. Her mom, her mom's like legacy Hollywood Jew. Whoa. Yeah. Yeah.

Different style of Jew out there. Yeah, yeah. I get rolled up on a lot by the Hasidic guy. Me too. It's like, are you Jewish? And I'm like, oh, no. And they always just immediately. Beeline. I'm like, what if I say yes? They just want to know. I'll come hang out. No, no, no. It's a trap. I did it once. It's a big mistake. I'm on the street with Ron on yesterday. Both Jewish. And they come up to us. Are you Jewish? At the same time, go, no. We've just been through it too long.

And then Liz at the cellar is right next to us. And she's like, I should have yelled out, I am. We're like, oh. You're trapped. They're relentless. I did it once just to see. I had a minute. I had nothing to do that day. And they took me out to the side. They did a big prayer. And they said a bunch of hymns and whatever. And they smelled like shit. And then they circumcised me. But it was weird. It took like 30 minutes. And they read me a bunch of passages. It sucked. That's what I should have asked for. I'm like, can we do some Manischewitz stuff?

Just to shoot a bottle of Menishevitz? Yeah, something. These are fucking good. These are very good. The ice, too. The ice kind of makes it a little nice. It's a little more... It cuts it. Cuts it a little. Yeah, and I got to slow down. This is good-ass vermouth. Wait, what's this bourbon we're drinking? Oh, is this fucking bourbon?

Basil Hayden's? Yeah. Oh, Christ. You know it? Yeah, dude. I mean, I did host a show about drinking for two seasons. That's right, with Jake Larson. I love Jake. I did retain some fucking information that was forced down our throats. Yeah. And one of them is that Basil Hayden's. I think that was a gift. All right. Good to know. That's good shit. Now, how hard is it? Because we drink a couple times a week for this show. You had to drink what? Every day? Yeah.

When we were filming, we would do like five days per city.

And usually I would say three on average, three to four bars per day. Wow. It would be all day. It would be all day. It would be like the end where you just fucking hammer. I was having like, I was having episodes where I was like, I would like wake up and not remember where I was or who I was for like a few. You don't want to blackout while filming shit. That's a bad. You don't want to blackout while sleeping. That's the best way I could describe it. We'd be like, I'd wake up and have to piss or something and be like,

Where am I? Chicago. Oh, wow. Sean, Sean, Sean. My name is Sean. It was just like my brain was so just inundated. That's not the right word. There it is. What channel was the show on? It was on Esquire. They would play on the airplane. What were the best bars you were at? I mean, that's a fun question because people will ask me that sometimes. I'm like, if you watch the show, you saw how fucking hammered I was, right? Yeah. I barely remembered any of it. I will say...

I still believe this. The best two drinking cities in the country are New Orleans and Chicago. Meaning that you can drink a lot or meaning good bars, good choices? Meaning just like it's an actual culture here. Like I love drinking in New York. Yeah. But the bar scene in New York, it's kind of homogenized. You've been to one, you've been to them all. When's last call in New Orleans and Chicago? There is no last call in New Orleans. Right. Okay, the Bourbon Street too. Okay, what about Chicago? Chicago has everything from 2 a.m. to 5 a.m.

So there's bars that close at 2 a.m., but then there's bars that close at... As long as you have the option for the after hours. Oh, yeah. And 5 a.m., I think, is only on the weekends in Chicago, but you can drink...

Every night of the week in Chicago, you can find a place to fucking stay. Malort, that's where they drink in Chicago. That shit's disgusting. They made me do a shot of that. They made me. Like, I had no choice. They suggested I do a shot of Malort during my last weekend. Also, dude, they have their own St. Patrick's Day in Chicago. That's a fucking drinking culture. That's what I'm saying. It's a green river. Chicago's great. Chicago's a fun place to drink. I'm an asshole because I'll do that to people in Chicago. I'll order shots of Malort and be like, guys, we're doing a round of tequila.

And knocked out and they come over there with shots. It'd be like, Hey, cheers to you. And then everybody's like, what the fuck? And I'm like, my Lord, you just got my Lord. You should have looked at it. It's kind of green. Yeah. Fucking is rough, rough, not good. What is it? It's almost like a licorice. She cough medicine. So Caitlin pointed this. Cause I, when I met Caitlin, she was living in Chicago, but, uh,

They have an amazing marketing team. So there was a... I think this is kind of famous. You can look this up. There was a billboard in a Chicago neighborhood where one bill... It was two billboards next to one another. One was for cooked champagne, and it was just two glasses cheersing, and it said, she just found out she's pregnant. Okay.

Right. And then the next one, Malort bought the billboard next to it. And it was two shot glasses clinking. And the text was, oh, no, I'm sorry. Strike that. The Cooks one said she just found out she's having twins. The Malort one said she just found out they're conjoined at the head. I love that. So like they like. There it is. Yeah. Yeah. Right there. Right there. Yeah. Yeah.

Now you see that makes me want to go buy it. That's the power of comedy. I mean, that's the thing. I just did a weekend in Chicago and, uh,

It's awesome. Yeah. I did Talia Hall with Canaan and it was fucking amazing. Yeah. It's one of the best comedy towns. They, uh, yeah, they were telling me there that people, the Malort advertising people are cool as fuck. Yeah. They get it. They get it. That the, I mean, that's a huge, it tastes like Satan's balls. Dollars, a shave club, dollar shave club. They were all funny ads and that's why it blew up. Yeah. Funny stuff goes a long way.

Especially in the advertising world. And also Chicago is like, they're a cool city. I mean, honestly, when a city gets that cold, the people have to be cool. Dude, I say- That's true. You got to humble. The Midwest is my favorite part of the country to do comedy in.

I can see that. Because it's a cold weather. People are forced to develop personalities. It's so true. Because they spend half the year inside. You can't just hang at a fucking beach all day. It's a tundra. I'm with you. And I love. That's great. But I also love. I'm here too. Like the Midwest, Northeast. They're grateful too. Cold weather people. Because they get a good day or good. It's a distraction from the cold is tough. It is. It's hell. Well, I also feel like I love.

I love New York. I love certain rooms on the East Coast. I also feel like you get too many...

There's a love of like edge here on the East Coast that can get a little fucking exhausting where you're like, just listen to what I'm fucking saying. I'm not going to be... Just because I'm not saying certain words that make you believe that I'm on your fucking level, tough ass. I don't think you get too many fucking tough guy like, ah, come on. That's comedy supposed to be edgy. I'm like, is it? It's supposed to be funny, you fuck. Yes, exactly. I don't...

I hate that whole like, a comedy's gotta be this, that, and the other thing. And it's like, no it doesn't. It's just gotta be funny. I hate that too, dude. The people that are like, cause you know, cause I'll tell sometimes I'll have like a joke that people are like, that's a dark joke. I bet you'll like this guy. And then they show me a clip and he's like, so I'm throat fucking this baby. And I'm like, I don't like this shit. I don't like this shit.

actually say to both of you both of you are very well you're both extremely skilled at dark subject oh thanks well we watch i watch a lot i don't know about you but i i watch a lot of comedy and i just see i don't want to be that guy i don't want to do that i don't do that yeah well the edge thing you want to play it well it's like a it's like a violin oh yeah you know you gotta know the instrument if you're looking to be edgy it's it's dangerous because you're you're

You're trying to do a thing rather than be funny. Well, I look at it like a joke is like a sword, right? The edge should be sharp, but you also have to have a spine and a blade and a grind and a fucking handle. And the blade itself has to be well-tempered. And if you just focus on the edge part, the moment you try and strike something, the rest of the fucking thing will shatter because you weren't paying attention. But the edge should be there.

But the edge is actually the least important part. And only certain people can swallow it. And to all the people jumping on the, listen, this guy didn't watch enough Blademaster. Do you ever see that? You remember that show? No. What was it called? Blademaster's?

It was like a... A sword show? It was like a top chef for blacksmiths. You got Matt doing a lot of Google searches over here. Blademaster. Yeah, there you got it. No, that's not that. That sounds like a gay porn. It was... Coming at the W. Oh, there it comes. Here it comes. The belching's coming. Bring it on. This is a belch-friendly show.

Mark Belcher is like, how deep in Rick and Morty are you now? I finished the first season. That's it? I'm getting there. That was months ago. I never had time to watch. I'm obsessed with it. I love that show. It's perfect. Look at the picture above you. It's behind the captain. Oh, yeah. Forged by fire. Forged by fire. Big difference. Yeah, I fucked that up. I fucked that up. A friend of mine, this was not me, a friend of mine, he was like, they should have called it Master Blader. Oh.

Way better. That's good. Bowen Walker, shout out to you. Bow Bow. He's a craftsman in Denver. What's your favorite drink when you're drinking with Jay? Was it a lot of beer? What would you be drinking? No, the thing that sucked about that show was that we didn't have any creative control. Yeah.

And that's the thing people would always got. Like people got like legit mad at me when I quit. And not because they were huge fans of the show because they were like, how can you walk away from such a plush? I'm like, it wasn't plush, man. No. We love drinking booze in general because it's an escape. But when it becomes your fucking job, it sucks. So like you're drunk and like we couldn't fake drinking on camera. Yes, every now and again, we would tee up another shot and not actually take it because we'd already done three. And it was like,

2.30 in the afternoon kind of shit and we still had to do and so like we would actually and even if you were faking it like I am drinking this drink at a slightly slower pace me too but I am already drunk ha ha

Because booze affects you. Well, it's also, it's all bourbon. I mean, we just drank a fucking, I mean, this has got to be many, this is many whiskeys. Yeah, shit, you're right. I didn't think about that. But we would go to bars and have to drink their craziest drink or their most potent shit or do a shot of 50-year-old Appleton rum. San Francisco was that place. Rum wasn't very good. Tastes like wet newspaper. How do you like San Francisco? San Francisco is a great drinking city. Yep, yep. Got the water there. San Francisco is fucking cool.

Yeah, it's a cool city. I wish it would fucking be taken away from the goddamn tech people. Tech fuckers, yeah. I have a guy I went to high school with lives there. Him and his wife are both doctors, and they had to leave. They couldn't afford to buy anything in San Francisco. Wow, two doctors. Two doctors couldn't buy. Man.

Man. And then there's these fucking turds out here who are like, well, what are you going to do, man? That's just, you know, hey, America, you make money. It's always a guy like that who says that shit who actually doesn't have any money. Oh, yeah. The guy who's always like, whatever, dude, they're just making money. It's like, what are you worth? You're not worth shit. You just fucking, you fantasize with them because you think you're going to fucking be one of them one day by siding with them. You're not. Well, everyone thinks they're going to be rich. That's the thing. It's like, that's how you get people. It's like, no one's like, everyone's,

no matter what your job, you're like, I'll put it together. Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah. I'll figure it out. Something will click. As you said that, I'm like, fuck, I didn't know Sam was filming my mantra. I didn't know Sam had security cameras in my bathroom. That's why Bernie's got a hard time. Bernie's like, we got to tax these fucking millionaires and everyone in the country is kind of like, but I could be a millionaire. Yeah, it could be me. I could do it. I mean, dude, the fucking, we got to stop trying to elect Bernie, start trying to clone him. Yeah.

You don't even get a young Bernie. You get Larry David. I remember Tim Dillon called me like three years ago. He's like, did you hear they're taxing millionaires? I'm like, you're doing a lot better than me. I was just in Madison doing...

Comedy on State, shout out. Fantastic fucking club. One of the great clubs. One of the great clubs, indeed. I don't know if there's anything better, honestly. I put, I love. Tough to top that club. Tough to top. Oh, dude, fuck it. Acme is up there in Minneapolis. I love Wise Guys in Utah. Wise Guys in Utah. I love Wise Guys. Denver's great. These are the top of the fucking. Philly Helium. Philly Helium. You're not going to get the green room. Comedy on State's amazing. The hotel's a block away. The town's great. Shouldn't be saying that on the podcast. Yeah.

You got weirdos walking back with you. I had that last time. But the hotel is right there across from the Capitol. It's right there. It's the Park Hotel. It's an amazing club. The family is awesome that runs it. The sister, Eve and Anna, they're amazing. The sisters that run it are awesome. They're fucking awesome. The whole place is amazing. Good people really seem to care. Thank you. I was getting nervous. Well, they care.

That's all there is to it. They care about the business. They care about who they put on stage. They care about how you're doing. And you know who they care about the least? Assholes who are like, the customer's always right. They're like, no, we care about customers who come in and are like, we enjoy comedy and want to watch this. Yeah, we've all had that thing on stage at a Funny Bone or a Bonkers with a Z. And you go, you're going to kick this guy out? You're going to tase this motherfucker? He won't shut up. And they go, he bought chicken wings.

What do you want me to do? And you're like, all right. I was at Caroline's once and this guy would not, he was like a scary dude and he would not fucking let up my whole show. And I said, is someone going to kick this guy out? And it was like a dude who looked like me. He was a bouncer at Caroline's. He walks over and whispers to him and he just looked up at me and goes, he says no. I was like, I guess I'm fucked. Exactly. Dude, one of my favorite, a commoner would say, this was years back.

As I show up or between shows, one of the manager at the time was a guy named Joe. And he was like, hey, man, there's a table up front. They're a little hammered already, but we're watching them. Already a dart. That table got thrown out at the end of the show.

Feature set. Perfect. Right. They got them out. So I get on stage right after and I'm like, how about how about that table? Huh? And then no one was sitting at the table. I'm like, it's kind of a waste of kind of a shame. Does anybody want to move up? And there was a bunch of applause. And then but one table was really emphatic about it. And I was like, can they move? And from the God Mike Joe goes, it's fine.

So this table, they move up four people into this table. And within five or 10 minutes, they're now a problem. The table is haunted. So they get thrown out. And then I was like, I think it's this fucking table and chairs. I go, can we get this table and chairs out of here? I said it as a joke. But then they come down. The staff comes down, like picks up the table, stack the chairs and walk out. Wow.

And I'm like trying not to fucking lose my shit laughing because I can't believe they're doing it. They're that good. But I'm trying to play into it. Like, yeah, you get the fuck. I don't come to where you're made and give you an extra leg. I'm blown away that they're actually fucking doing this. You know what, honestly, is always. Yeah. That's why it's one of the greats. No, it's one of the greats. And it's something about like liberal cities in red states. Oh.

I don't even know if Wisconsin's red this time around. I forgot. It was blue this time. It was blue this time. It's purple. It's a purple state. It's a purple state. But those, when you get like Lexington, Kentucky. Great crowd. You're in a red state, but you got to- Broadway? Yeah. Or off-Broadway? That's a good one. One of the best- That's a fun one. One of the most magical rooms. Yeah, it's a magical little room. It is a magical room where you just, you get people, they just fucking know how, they know you're kidding. They know it's a-

Which is so weird, but like, man, you go so many places where they take it seriously. Go up to, right there, go up to Go Bananas. That's a great club. Great club. Is it? It's not my favorite. Well, you got Pop in there. It's a special pop. Yeah, yeah. The room is electric, but I've taken some hard L's in that room. Oh, really? I don't know what it is. Maybe it's you. No, no, I've had some bad nights. Maybe it's you as my next special title.

Maybe it's me. What happened? No, it's... You know why? Because it's not really... I don't... It bugs me. Look, the room's incredible. I met Ron on Hirshberg there.

It's where we met like eight years ago. Jew to Jew. Jew to Jews in Kentucky. He's got one of my favorite jokes ever where he said, he said, you know, my grandparents fled the Holocaust and moved to Kentucky. And people are like, a Jew from Kentucky? He's like, yeah, when they fled the Holocaust, they weren't picky. That's a great joke. Kentucky's underrated, I think. Like Louisville's awesome. Louisville?

Louisville. Yeah, what are you fucking... Kentucky's great. Louisville is underrated. They're opening a club that people who run Spokane and... Bricktown. Bricktown was... That's a great club. That was a surprise. Also, Oklahoma City, you're like, oh, that's right. Weed's legal here. You forget that they have nothing else to do. I love how Oklahoma has a rivalry with Texas where it's like if the two of you were to actually fight...

It would just be called North Texas. I'm not trying to shit on the entire state. It's like Kevin Hart and The Rock. It's not going to happen. But yeah, they and also it's like kind of a depressing city. OK, see where they're like, well, I'm like, what's there to do? They're like, we got the bombing museum. All right. We also have legal weed now for you to enjoy. Great barbecue and OKC. Sure. Great. Good people. Good people. The crowds are fucking awesome at that club. Yeah. Yeah.

And the basketball team is good, even though it's all about bricks. They're not good. All right. They're bad right now. But that was a good basketball joke. That was good. All right. That was good. Better than Triangle. That's fucking... Dude, we... I'm proud of Triangle. I sat at some restaurant there. I'm like chilling before the show. And some woman just starts chatting me up, an older lady. And she's telling me like her husband's a musician. He's some pretty famous musician.

uh fuck albino guy fucking yeah albino musician victor vernado albino we know powder uh no what's his name uh that movie is so bad i heard it's horrible horrible movie i watched it again over the pandemic just for fun and it wasn't fun you

You know when you do something just for fun, you're like, oh, this isn't fun at all. Fuck, I fucked up. It's past irony. It's just bummer. Black albino. Does that help? Oh, he's a black albino? Yeah. All right. I'm going to blow blind. But I'll say this about albinos. You would think the KKK. Right there. You'd think the KKK would love them. Who's whiter? Yeah. I mean, I'll say this about albinos is a great album title. Great special title.

I mean, they're the whitest people ever. This guy won't touch anything. Wow. I don't know who it is. I'm sorry. Wait, who's that guy? Nah, I fucked up. I shouldn't even bother to tell you. Is that Brother Ali? No. Steve Martin. Steve Martin. Steve Martin.

Last thing I'll say about the comedy club on State. The two women who run it, their dad owns it. He's this cool Greek dude. Yeah, he's awesome. The two girls are beautiful women, cool as shit, and they will get in someone's face. They're like these hot girls, and one of them was on one knee, like Kaepernick style, like, you better shut the fuck up or you're going out of here to some lady, and they were like, oh.

Fuck you. And she threw her out herself. They've got that Greek, like, you work for everything. Yes. Yeah, it's super badass. Yeah, and they're fun. They drink with you. I mean, they got it all. They're good people. For Thanksgiving, I was in Chicago. Yeah. Thanksgiving, we were in Chicago, and we kind of didn't have plans. And Chad Daniels, who...

If you don't know his comedy, I think he's one of the most spin comics on Pandora. He's an incredible joke writer and a great guy. Awesome dude. Great guy. Good egg. Him and Kevin Bozeman. You know that guy? I love Boz. I've heard he's incredible. I've never seen him live. I call him Kevin Boozman. Well, that was the thing. They were like, come up. We were in Chicago. They were like, come up to Madison and we'll do like a Thanksgiving. Just hang out during the day.

And the moment we get there, Chad, we're at a restaurant fucking chatting. And Chad's like, what are y'all doing tonight? And I was like, actually, we're going to drive to Dubuque. They're going to let us in the condo early because I was doing the weekend after. And Chad's like, oh, okay, cool. And then like three shots arrive. Yep. And he's like, you're not driving. I already got you a hotel room. No.

He's like, you got a hotel room? He's like, I have points. Don't worry about it. I got points. I got points. And then he fucking gets us. I love Rogue Comics. Yeah. And they're going to Dubuque. These are all the markets we're not hitting. They take care of it. Yeah. Wait, do you ever, have you ever been to Dubuque? No. Where is it? Iowa. It's like an hour and a half west of Madison. It's surprisingly like Chill City. Okay. A little pirate's town. What's the guy who directed, fuck, he's directed a lot of movies. The Player. The Player.

Robert Altman. Robert Altman. It has a very Robert Altman Popeye, like shantytown. I like that. I was just watching the Criterion interview with Matthew Modine. He's going through all the closet things. And you're like, forget Matthew Modine's had this awesome career where he's like, oh, yeah, I did shortcuts with Robert Altman. He's one of my favorites. And then he goes to the next movie. He's like, oh, yes, I've worked with Stanley, my friend Stanley Kubrick. And you're like, this dude's fucking lit. Apocalypse Now. Oh, God. Yeah. No, no. Full Metal Jacket. Sorry. Full Metal Jacket. My bad.

Yeah, I'm just saving you from the YouTube commenters. This guy didn't go to war. It's like, neither did you, bro. Good point. Yeah, Paint It Black. Oh, yeah. How about... Movies are movies. Yeah, dude. There's something about... The Player is a great movie. That...

I love, we go to so many cities that are just strip mall after strip mall. You go to like a city with some fucking character. I've never been to Dubuque. Well, that's why SF is so fun. You're like, look at these buildings. Look at this water. Look at this cool town. And Portland, Maine, cool town, Asheville, North Carolina. Portland, Maine, pirates town, bro. Very piratey. Pirates town right there. Portland, Maine is what Portland, Oregon is trying to be. Ah,

and i still love portland oregon i enjoy it there yeah i think the helium in portland's fucking fantastic i just got back electric yeah i just recorded and i did an album slash unofficial special there in august like it's a but it's still because like people like portland's so woke i'm like yeah but the people who go to that club are not are like fucking make me laugh i don't give a shit they're aware of the wokeness and they go over the edge they they overcompensate but yes when you see a dude with a

beard and like an owl tattoo in Portland, Oregon. You're like, all right, man. I get it. That's a look you went for. You see that same look in Portland, Maine. You're like, this guy spent 18 months on a fishing barge. On a fishing barge. Yes, exactly. And tattooed an owl because it was his only friend tattooed.

It landed on the mast every day and gave you news of the mainland. And he named the owl after his dead wife. They go all in. Francis. Portland, Maine is gorgeous, man. Gorgeous. A fucking summer. A lobster roll, dude. Beautiful. Game over. Okay, here you go. Here you go. Okay, let's do this. Most underrated city in America. Damn. I got mine already fucking locked a little bit. Hey, hit us. What do you got? Pittsburgh.

Really? I like Pittsburgh. Yeah. I'm going there soon. The Warhol Museum is pretty cool. They got some cool stuff. It's a fucking cool... It doesn't... I don't love the Pittsburgh improv, just throwing that out there. I don't either. It's in a weird area. You see the abandoned railroad tracks, you're like, we get it, you're struggling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they have a fucking awesome little club called the Club Cafe where they do music and comedy. Oh, that's a good room.

Sweet as hell. But Pittsburgh, you walk around the fun areas, you're like, holy shit, this is kind of beautiful. I know. And then you walk around downtown. It's all condensed to that little point. Yes. And all the stadiums are right there, the baseball stadium. It's all very like... And that river is cool. They shot Batman there. Did they? Yeah, yeah. They got the gondola going down the river. The gondola. Yeah, it's a cool town. Well, you got to remember, these towns are huge with the steel boom. Yeah, yeah. So they just blew up.

and had all this money and income and then they just slowly shit the bed. Underrated city. I'm having a hard time because I'm like, I'm thinking like what cities I like and I'm like, are they properly rated? That's the thing. I'm thinking like, okay, I'll give you one I like.

Wilmington, North Carolina. Oh, fantastic. I'm going there this weekend. It's a cool city. Is this a setup? No. Okay, this feels like a setup to be like, Sean, have you ever been to Wilmington? Well, thanks, Byron Allen. Yes. I'm going there this weekend. Sean, do you like eating? Do you like the gym? Just every setup. Yeah, dude. You know what's great? Really quick. You know what's fucking great about that show? One time Eric Andre was on and he had to be like, so Eric, you have crazy dreams.

Like all of this. For everyone. For like a John Roy, who I love, it's like, so, John, you drive a lot. John's got a bit about being in a car. But like Eric, you're like, so, Eric, you once thought you were a walrus. So, Eric, you have a beef with the Big Buford or whatever. Oh, no, the Baconator. With the Baconator. Yeah.

I got in trouble. He yelled at me in the bathroom, Byron Allen. Who? Why? I talked about this once and he tried to sue me. What? Abort, abort. Yeah, yeah, bad idea. Sue you? What the fuck are you doing? What do you call this? You're supposed to be a great guy. What are you doing? He's a nice guy, but I don't know. We're making fun of Comics Unleashed. I don't know. Fuck, I want to do... That should be a game where you do Byron Allen and you don't do the name, but you just do the setup and you guess what the comedian is. Like...

So your dad was an Al-Qaeda? Well, you know the Norm thing. Dean Hashem, what? No. Love Dana.

He just said, like, he was on Comics Unleashed. He's like, it couldn't have been more leashed. He has a whole story about it, but it's great. It just breaks the whole thing down. Wait, Dina does have a joke about her dad. No, she's got a joke about keeping her dad out of the country. Yeah. I don't want to fucking misconstrue or mess up another conference. Her dad is not an Al-Qaeda. He's not. I didn't mean that. It's just a joke, you fucks. Al-Qaeda works. Ha ha ha.

Boom. Dude, what's your city, Mark? Oh, Wilmington's great. It's almost like a mini New Orleans. Wilmington's awesome. It's a real boozy college town. Well, I'm thinking of a city that isn't talked about. There's a lot of cities I love, but I feel like Wilmington is kind of- Yeah, Asheville does get a lot of praise. Asheville gets a lot of- I love Asheville, too. Asheville's not underrated at all. I just did Duncan Trussell's podcast. Great guy. He's in Asheville, I think. Great guy.

Duncan's in Asheville? I think he's in Asheville. Whoa. I did not know that. He's a very cool dude. I like Duncan a lot. Yeah, I don't... I'm trying to think of other cities that don't get the shine. Gainesville, Florida is a cool town. Really? Yeah, really cool town. But would you go to college there? Well, I mean, sure. Because that's where the University of Florida is, right? It's a college town. Right, okay. But it's cool.

What's that place? I got my second one lined up when you're ready. Hit me. Where's NASA in Alabama? Oh, Huntsville. Huntsville's cool. I hear Huntsville's great. And all the NASA people moved there. So you got the hillbilly and the nerds kind of coming together. You got motherfuckers like...

dip in the lip. Yeah. Like, that like dirty sort of frayed hat. Yeah. And like the boots and then they have a fucking British accent. Yes. Because they're, they've been there for 10 years but they're from like Southampton, England. Cultures collide. And you're like, are you a British dipper? I thought that was a, I thought you had to be American. It does sound like a British term. It's got the fucking dipper. Is it dipper then? Yeah. What's the other city? Eau Claire, Wisconsin. Wow.

Never heard of it. So, yeah, there's a room. There's a like a they don't have a club, but they've got like a comedy production crew called Clearwater Comedy, which I learned Eau Claire means translates into Clearwater from French. So but just just for you fucking Franco files out there. And Claire E.A.U. Claire. Claire. Not yet. Not just. Oh, Claire. Yeah. I got it. I know I got another one, actually. What? San Diego.

I was going to say Santa Barbara. San Diego's great. San Diego's amazing. Great town. That's a great city. It's a fun... San Diego doesn't get a lot of shine because it's got L.A. and the Bay. Yes. Like, you put San Diego in another state, it's their A city. It's a military town. Here we go. San Diego's like the Clay Thomas.

Klay Thompson? There you go. I'm fucking dropping the ball here. As if they were on another... Wait, does that analogy make sense? As if Klay Thompson was on another team. Oh, yeah, but also, I'm such a hoops junkie that I'm kind of like...

Yeah, you see the Patrick Ewing thing. I'm such a hoops junkie that I think he gets more points for being on a winner. To me, like Kevin McHale on the Celtics or Chris Bosh on the Heat. To me, you get more points for just winning. Yeah, sure. I think he's the second best shooter of all time behind Steph, who's his teammate. Yeah.

Steph is, I mean, Clay is fucking cool. I follow him on Instagram and he's hilarious. Like he's, he'll just be driving with his bulldog and just be chill. Like he's just a cool fucking dude. Yeah. And he's always dressed as Will Ferrell from Semi Pro. Like he's just like a fun dude. Yeah.

That's fucking fun. I'll say Louisville. We're doing cities too. I've never been. What? Good. Good club. That's Renan's hometown. I know. Your best friend. Yeah. I love Renan. George Clooney, Diane Sawyer, and Muhammad Ali. Whoa. Yeah, pretty good alumni. And my morning jacket. Is that right? They're all from... That's where they hail from. There you go. And the slugger itself.

the louisville slugger i know oh i went to the factory and bought one when i don't know i mean a baseball guy i was just like i want to get a bat i don't need a back i played hilarities and they give you a bat every time you feel it i fucking love that club that's that's a club in my top five sell out they give you a bat with your name engraved oh that's why i've only gotten that's why i've only gotten a glove well they gave me one i brought it to the airport and they go what are you doing they mail it to me they mail it oh that's the move so i have some guy in

Cleveland Airport's got my back. Wait, you tried to check it? I tried to get it through security. Oh, dude, dude, if you have a... Well, I guess I had a shillelagh that I fucking... What's that? It's an Irish fucking whooping stick. Sounds like a black chick. Shillelagh? Irish whooping stick? Right after Moesha. Uh...

I got to catch up to you guys. Well, I'm trying to milk this one because I know if I have another, I'm going to be snuggling up to this Jew. Shall we? All right, fuck it. We got to do some Christmas stuff, too. Oh, shit, you're right. Because I'm the Jew here. Do you guys have any Christmas traditions? I mean, what are you guys doing for Christmas this year? And is there any longstanding stuff? I want to know. I bought a tree today. Wow. I got a mini tree.

And that's just a good feeling. You put that fucker over your back. You smell that tree sap bullshit. They brought it home. The cat's playing with it. It's hitting all the branches. It's exciting. We have more ice, Matt. Sorry, Matt. You producer. Good producer. Really seems to care. But no real tradition. We had a fake tree growing up, but it always bothered me.

The fake trees are nice, though, because you just break them out every year, but I get it. There's something about walking past the trees in New York City and the smell. You're like, even as a Jew, I'm like, oh, it's so forbidden. Yeah. It's like a Palestinian woman. Right. You're not going to get that with the dreidels. There's no sniff. Wait, were you...

Did you not practice Christmas or like... Did you have a tree in the house? No, no, never. No, both my parents are Jewish. My biological dad has a tree, so I've set up a tree at his place a couple times. But we're not close. I mean, but, you know, he's Jewish also, but his wife is...

is is catholic so but you know we never uh but jews appreciate christmas more than gentiles i'd say because it's a i feel like we're mets fans and the christians are like the yankees fans so you guys have the big thing and we're just like good for you right right that's like how rappers rap about money but you don't really see a lot of white people rapping about money thank you they're having the best gotham studios baby matt peters there's no one better no one better i just want to toss this out here what do we look uh

Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah, yeah. Flown by? Yeah, yeah. Flown by. These Manhattans, man, they'll get you. I'll tell you. Good cocktail. What are we at, Matthew? We got to be at least an hour and ten.

We just hit an hour. Oh, all right. All right. We can do a small one each. Yeah, do a little baby. A little baby. A baby. A little Brad Williams. Yeah. A little baby. First guy. A little baby Jesus. A little baby Jesus. Wait, wait. Easy. Was that Chappelle? Not Chappelle. Attell. Attell. Attell jokes. Careful. Easy, big fella. Easy. Boogaloo. I was wearing clogs. Oh, shit. Boogaloo.

I gotta get up. Oh, yeah, that's a sad sight right there. There we go. We're getting old, fellas. This is a bar called the Irish Rose in New Orleans. City we're both from. Irish coffees.

Oh, are you allowed to tell where you're doing your special? Yeah, what's up? When's your next special? So you taped one already in Portland. You're taping another? Because you've backlogged so much. You have so much great material. I have hours of material. You've never put out a special since your half hour, right? You have the albums. You're like Jay Leno. Well, here's how I fucked up. I fucked up because I was the tail end of that generation that was like, you know, keep your shit.

Get it put, get it on a major network, get it on a thing, get it on HBO, get it on a Netflix, get it on a Netflix, get it on something. Don't put it out there for free. I was the tail end of that generation.

So I was very precious about everything. We were there, too. But y'all were smart about it. Y'all started putting out... Like, I still have trouble embracing the social media monster. It's very hard. It's a nightmare. But y'all are both excellent at it, and I fuck up and get resentful of myself daily and just like, God damn, I need to put more stuff out there because I really don't have shit out there. I just don't have shit out there. And I'm putting out more and more. Yes. So...

You got a ton. Well, yeah. You have so much great material, man. You really are like one of those dudes. Your last album, you had that story about the strip club. Yeah. Scuttlebutt, the name stage. Scuttlebutt. That's a great, great bit. Thank you. You were really, I think, elite. I think as far as storytellers, it's like you, Jim Jefferies, Cosby. No, but you guys are really amazing storytellers. Thank you, buddy. But you got two This Is Not Happenings, right?

Three. Three, and they're all multi-million views. You got to check them out. Look up his stories online. I mean, Sean is such a captivating storyteller. Yes. Well, thank you. Because there's so many jokes.

There's always a great payoff. Yes. They have heart. They have emotion. They have heart. The one you're in love with someone in one of them. Yeah. I mean, that's numerous. So I have a new album dropping on Christmas Eve. Whoa. It's called King Scorpio on the Helium Network. Nice. It's dropping on Christmas Eve, but we filmed that recording.

at Helium in Portland and cut together like an unofficial special that's going to come out in January. Oh, boy. On YouTube. Hell yeah. Thank you. Because that's where it's at. All right. Well, that'll be in like 10 days from now. Yeah. So that album drops on

Christmas Eve, King Scorpio. Check it out. Check it out. I haven't heard it, but I know it's going to be great because it's Sean. Thank you. Truly one of the best comics. So please look him up. Really a great stand up. But I'm filming the first official special at Tipitina's in New Orleans on February 3rd. February 3rd, 2022.

Thank you for the drink. By the way, Tip of Tina's in New Orleans is our CBGB's or something. It's like hometown, been there for a million years. It's a local divey music spot. I love it because it's owned by the band that became famous there. Galactic. Galactic.

They own it? Galactic. I didn't know that. So they came up there, and then when it went on sale, they were like, hey, and they bought it. Wow. So I think that's fucking beautiful. But I remember going to look at venues back in June. Tip of Teens was the first one we went to look at. And in my head, I was like, man, this is like 800 seats. It's just going to be way too big. And when I walked in, I was like...

It's just huge in my memory. Yes. How many seats is it? I mean, with seating, it's only 200. Wow. But standing, they can get like 1,000. Yeah, a lot of standing room. So we're doing standing room specials. No, but like, yeah, it's an amazing venue. Yeah, no, I've been there. It's fucking awesome. February 3rd, 2022. Tickets are already on sale. There's two shows, two tapings.

By the way. Seven and nine. Oh, that's going to be great. Yeah. I did the Howlin' Wolf last weekend. That place is great. It's great. First place ever got paid to do comedy, so it's fun to go back and sell it out. But the guy gave me a bag of merch. And I was like, what's this? Howlin'?

Stu. Stu. Stu. And he goes, I was like, what's this for? He goes, well, everywhere you go, you wear a tip of Tina shit. Can you rep us your cunt? I was like, oh, yeah, sorry. Oh, fuck. Because they're both music venues. I'll give you, they sent me a bunch of, wait, did you do, so you just did it? Just did it. That's a great venue. Great venue. We looked at that venue too, yeah. It was great. We had great show. My parents came, kind of ruined everything. Wow. They don't normally come, huh? No, no, it was brutal. It was in my head the whole time. How tough. Curse words. Oh, dude, I did, I was at Gramercy and my folks are,

They showed up? My parents came, and they're like double masked. They're like terrified of everyone. I'm like, you don't have to come. I feel bad you're here. They're like, no, we want to be here. We got them like a separate row. They're like in the corner. I'm like, all right. That's what I did. I got a VIP in the back, and then I do a Q&A at the end, and somebody goes...

is your mom here as a joke and i went yeah she's actually in the back and she stood up and did this whole thing you got a big laugh got a huge pop yeah i mean people love that yeah they love it they love it i didn't i didn't do that thank god my dad was like what the fuck i'm here yeah it's so funny when when sometimes people do q and a's and it's like all right and then it's like uh

Oh, no one has any questions. I know. That has happened. Well, I usually would just say, give me current events. Because I feel weird being like Q&A. I'm like, who the fuck am I? Yes. But, you know...

Yeah. I mean, that's epic. You're hometown. You're a hometown hero, man. You do your thing. Yeah, you are. Your shit's so good. I know it's going to pop off. And you'll get a clip. So is it different material? Yeah. Wow. Well, it's a different, like, it's just that, like, what I recorded and the thing that, the album that's coming out on the. Helium. The Helium. Jeez, I'm fucking hammered. I know. These are hits. The album that's coming out on Christmas Eve, Helium. Yes, that's like material. The thing I'm doing on the third at Tipitina's,

it's based off of the one person show I did at Edinburgh like four years ago that I shelved when I came back from Edinburgh 2017 I shelved the show because it was a lot

And it's a comedy, but there's like emotional parts of it, but it's a comedy. But I shelved it because I couldn't really do it at clubs and I had a bunch of clubs lined up. Right. And then just time passed and all of a sudden I was working on this other hour and then I recorded that for an album for Scuttlebutt. So prolific. And then... So where can people find it? Is it...

It's just an album or is it going to be on YouTube as well? The album is going to be... You can find Helium Records, but anywhere albums are got. It's called King Scorpio. Spotify, iTunes, King Scorpio. King Scorpio. And then we're going to release it on January 24th on YouTube. December 24th. Oh, no. January. Okay. So we're doing the album release on Christmas Eve and then the special release on 24th, but it's unofficial. And then the actual fucking...

I don't think it's up yet. Why are you unannounced? Shouldn't we be plugging the shit out of this thing? Oh, it's because we don't know exactly where we're fucking putting it yet.

We know we're putting it on YouTube, but I think it's going to be Helium's YouTube page. Oh, okay. Yeah, we still don't know yet. But the special I'm filming at Tipitina's, I do not know where that's ending up yet, but I know 800-pound gorilla's producing it. All right. And we're in conjunction with All Things Comedy, I believe. Ooh. But we just don't know. We're going to film it and then be like, all right, where's it going? All right. These days, it's just about getting someone to do it with you. Yeah. I mean, you fuckers both. I did 800-pound without the lunch.

Yeah, so there you go. They're great. They do good work and they let you have the spotlight. They give it all to you. Yeah, yeah.

And I mean, Sam's probably got two more specials in a documentary in the pipes. You know? And a cooking show. And your own, like, look how drunk you are. I mean, this is the pot calling the cops on the kettle. But I'm with you. Well, no, I mean, you know, I should have said, let's do Jim Gimlet's.

Well, you have so much backlog, man. It's exciting. I think it's going to be huge for you. It's about time. You're like an artist. You're all over the world. You're doing your Edinburgh shit in Portland and all that. It's great. I mean, thank you. I think it's going to be a big year for you. It's just about you. This is something that, thank you, but this is something that going back to what y'all were saying earlier, or you were saying earlier specifically, it's like there are less gatekeepers, and that is great. Yeah. But it also means that there's a whole other wing added on to it.

to being a comedian now that was difficult to adjust to. Here's what it is. We used to be boxers. You know, you look at this boxing, Sonny Liston and Muhammad Ali and all these guys, Sugar Ray. And then now we have to be MMA fighters. You can't just have, you got to have a wrestling and a grapple.

Apple and all this other shit. Basically, we're businessmen now. Yes. You got to have Twitter. You have to have a video. You have to have a sketch. You have to have a podcast. You have to have a stand-up set. Tic-tac. It's good. It is good that we take back some of that control because, man. I do agree. Their taste is lacking. The industry is always going to suck, but...

you know, us doing our shit, having a link to have people sent to when you're, when you're, when your friends promote you and you're, and you're just, and you're like, here's the link. It's so much better than watch at 9 PM. You know, no one fucking does that. That's true. It's like homework. It's, it's good and bad pros and cons. Bittersweet.

Yeah. Because would you want to... You ever heard of the old Buddhist quote? Now I'm shit-faced. Do it. You ever heard that old Buddhist quote where they say, if you... All the people, all of the human race got together in one place and we all threw our problems in a pit, you'd pull yours back first. You know, like saying like, you got a crick in your neck...

impotent. You're fat. Whatever it is, we all have our own shit, but I don't want to be fat, so I pull that back because I want my shit. I'd rather be impotent. Because you at least know how to deal with your shit. Yes, exactly. It's the same with the industry. It's like, yeah, the industry sucks now. You got to do your own shit. You got to post videos, but

This is still better than just the industry. Yeah, certainly. That makes sense? Everything's way better than it was, honestly. I mean, they're so bad. I mean, it also sucks how much power Netflix has, you know, because, look, HBO is cool, but also, like, no one's popping off HBO specials either. So it's kind of like YouTube, right? Isn't that weird? It was the watermark. I still look at it as the watermark in some ways. Or just, like, the personal, like...

But, you know, now it's purple. It's really like Netflix and then YouTube, which is weird, you know? Well, it's because they're the only two global streaming. Oh.

They're the only two that are global. Like Vimeo, where are you at? You're fucking dropping the ball here. What are you doing, Vim? You can swing in here and have some fucking... I just think YouTube is hard. They're owned by Google. I mean, it's hard to fuck with them. Vimeo's at the W Hotel getting its dick sucked. Like, wait, what? What are we missing on? Wait, so for some reason, when you said you were hammered, one of my favorite Mark Norman hammered stories...

I mean, there's numerous. I'm going to give a PG version. But we were at Whiplash. Oh, yeah. Old UCB show. Old UCB show, Monday nights, 11 p.m. It was fucking fantastic. And you leave Whiplash, and the play was go up the block to the Molly Wee. Yes. And there was one night where, like,

whole group of comics would all come up and the vibe was the show was kind of weird that night and everybody's sort of like I don't know but we'd all been drinking because there was booze I don't know I don't think I want to go my way and Mark's just like no fuck that come on come on we're in New York we're doing comedy come on

We're going to, we're going to the Molly way. Come on. He does his Mark thing. It was like, ah, come on. What are you going to go? Go home. What are you going to go? Go home. What are you going to take the train for? Come on, come on. We're all going. And then like this whole group of us is like eight of us. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. The reality is I live 18 hours into Brooklyn and I don't want to go home. Well, no, that was a funny part. We're all like, yeah, we're going to the Molly. We're all like fucking charged, like a fucking, and we're walking to the Molly way. And I look back and I see Mark running towards the a, the opposite direction.

You got us all fucking riled up. And we're like, yeah, we're going. And no one looked at you. And you just, as soon as we all started going, you're like. It's a Scottish goodbye. You just fucking sit down. You get everybody riled up and you go the other way. I always said there's the Irish goodbye. And then when you go, an Irish goodbye. And then when you realize you left your phone and have to go back.

And pretend like you didn't Irish goodbye. That's the Scottish hello. Or it might be Josh Gondelman. Somebody has that great joke that that's the Irish goodbye. The Jewish goodbye is we have to say bye to everyone nine times and then leave. I might have butchered that. That's funny, though. Yeah.

Are there any, should we do holiday movies? Oh, yeah. Christmas app, right? Should we do a bit? Should we do a peeve? Do you have a peeve? I've heard that. I got tons of fucking peeves. Hit us with a peeve. My newest, okay, so a longstanding peeve. Oh, a longstanding. I don't think this one's going to be anyone. We'll do a holiday movie next week.

Wow. All right, all right, all right. I don't know. We could do that, too. I don't give a shit. I mean, after Christmas Vacation, I feel like it's a drop-off. It's a drop-off? Christmas Story, Love Actually. Christmas Story. I mean, Die Hard. I still go Die Hard. Oh, Die Hard. You think it's a Christmas movie? It's a Die Hard Christmas guy. We get it. All right. It's a Christmas movie. Bad Santa's pretty good. Bad Santa's great. It's a great one. It's got some edge. What else? Anything else? I mean, I really... I've never seen It's a Wonderful Life. What?

I've never actually seen either. Scrooged is fun. Scrooged is actually probably one of an underrated because Bill Murray gives that like, and you can do it like that speech, that Bill Murray speech at the end. So good. Yeah. I mean, I grew up with that movie. Actually, yeah. I'm gonna throw Scrooged in there. All right. Yeah. No, Peeve. I saw it when I was young. I don't even remember it to be honest. Scrooged? It's dark.

Bobcat's in it. I mean, dude, Groundhog Day is dark. That's true. All of it's kind of weirdly dark by today's standards. It's a new play on Christmas Carol, the Ghost of Christmas Past, all that shit. Yeah. It's actually... It's pretty fucking great. It's pretty good. I was just hanging out with Bobcat in Chicago. Oh, really? He's an awesome dude. He's an awesome dude. Good guy. And still got it. He went on stage. And his movie with Dana Gould, his new movie, check it out. It's on... Anywhere you buy that stuff, it's great. Oh, yeah? I'll check that out. I like...

Oh, the documentary? Yeah, certainly. Dana's the best. I love that guy. Funny as hell. And funny off the cuff as well as written. One of the best comedy minds. I mean, just so good. Simpsons for years. Yeah. One of his episodes just got censored because it was a Tiananmen Square joke. It was like a CNN story.

It's all over the news. It got sent. Really? They won't play it in China because there's a Tiananmen Square joke. By the way, Dan has adopted like multiple Chinese girls. Yeah, right. So it's like maybe this isn't like China phobic. That's what I hate. We never take in the good as much as we take in the bad. You know, if you said this horrible thing, but you also did this great thing, we just focus on the horrible thing you said. It's like, what about the great thing I did? It's also a joke. It's also a joke on a comedy show, on a cartoon show.

I mean, the truth is, like, they just people just want. I believe that there is a dopamine release that happens when you are angry or defended. And for years, it just wasn't a massive experience like it is now. Now it's on. And I feel like there's a younger generation or even an older generation. I don't think it's generational. I think it's just like there's a type of person who enjoys being like, oh, no, no. Yeah.

Nope. Not even listening. I can't believe there's a person who enjoys that moment. Yes. Agreed. It makes them feel good. Yeah. They're not going to win because no one's getting censored. Well, they could do it alone in their room, but they don't. They have to broadcast it, which shows that it's for some other reason than just actual morality. There's this whole fucking... I can't remember where I read this. Guy, I'm drunk. But like...

Censorship isn't really happening. It's not real. Like, censorship means we say something, a fucking government authority comes in that door and arrests all three of us for speaking our mind. Lenny Bruce was censored. Exactly. Like, but being kicked off of, like, a platform or someone not wanting to hear what you have to say, that's not censorship. That's like whenever Alex Jones or any of those fucks go off on, like, the censorship thing. Like, no one cares what you have to fucking say. That's not censorship. The closest we get to that is with China shit. Like, I feel like...

A lot of, like, LeBron or whatever would be like, this and that and this and that. And everybody goes, yeah, yeah. And then you go, what about China? And he goes, all right, we got to get out of here. And you're like, well, that feels a little sensory. Well, once you're in the billionaire realm. Oh, you mean like he doesn't want to talk shit on China. Yeah, but that's still not censorship. Things seem to get compromised. That's self-editing. But it feels like, why is he so worried about this?

and not worried about that. Well, that's probably because he's got investments. For sure. Of course. The NBA is huge in China, and the truth is any billionaire, in terms of being an activist, has a huge Achilles heel. Let's be real. You cut corners to make that kind of money. But China has slavery and all this shit, and everybody's like, hey, what are you going to do? It's China. But, hey, we've got to stop doing this. LeBron's also done a lot of incredible activism. I agree. I agree. I'm just saying. I mean, look, every billionaire's got their shit. Right.

No one's perfect. No one's perfect. Everyone's got shit. We act like if you're not perfect, we're going to ruin your life. I mean, Bezos has done a ton of terrible shit. He's also given a ton of money. Yes. He gave me two bill. He didn't. But that's where I reveal I'm a billionaire now. He sent you to space. Yeah. NASA's really dropping the fucking ball on the opportunity to...

straight up like uh extort some money from these billionaires they take them to space and they're like this is amazing well we're not going back branson you want to get back yeah we're gonna need about three bill to get you fuckers back on the planet if not enjoy to see a tranquility and consider yourself mermen you want to end world hunger yeah here we go yeah yeah nasa you could really be fucking saving the day here

You take one trip around the moon, come back with 200 fucking bill. Yeah, well, it's like I said... 200 bill. Why do I turn to a fucking... Like a cab driver? Like a union delegate. 400 bill. I had a Manhattan, but I sound like I'm from fucking Staten Island. Yeah.

Well, Kim Kardashian saved a bunch of kids from Afghanistan. So there's your money well spent. I just looked at... I was like, why am I... Do I have headphones on? Oh, that's Matt Peters, the producer. I was like, that's the producer. This fucking... These men's hands go down too easy. It's like a David Lynch film. I will say... I got to take the night off. There's something about...

Whiskey cocktails in the winter. That just hit different. Say that five times fast. Whiskey cocktails. Something about whiskey cocktails in the winter. That's not that hard. Whiskey cocktails in the winter, is it? Yeah, you're like Mother Goose all of a sudden. Whiskey cocktails in the winter. If he's Mother Goose, who are you, Father Duck? I'm just fucking kidding.

This one is, we might be a little drunk on this episode. Did you put fucking CBD in here? Happy holidays. CBD. Manhattan's in the winter, man. It's fucking... Can't beat it. Man. I'm glad I drove here. Because you get the... Well, you get the ice, so you're kind of chill, but it's like the warmth of the whiskey. Oh, yeah. It hits everything. Can I sleep here after this? I might need to nap it up. Can we order some of that Chinese food from downstairs? Oh.

Now you're talking. I want some of that scrambled eggs and shrimp. Oh, I want to say one thing about you talk about the table. Get this table out of here. Rory Scovel, one of the funniest guys of all time. Jedi. Brilliant Jedi. He was an old wives tale, a legend. This went all over the country. You're talking about in Vancouver?

Seattle. Okay. Seattle Comedy Fest, which is a big deal. Everybody's nervous. Oh, God, you want to win. You want to do well. You don't get kicked out. He went on stage at some theater. He's like in the finals of Seattle Comedy Fest. A man and a woman get up during their during his set and walks to the bathroom or leaves or something. And he was like, that was weird. So did I say something? And he goes, you know what? Fuck it.

He goes in the crowd, brings their table on the stage and brings their two chairs up on stage. They come back from the bathroom and they're like, what, what? And he goes, oh, this is your seats. They come up on stage and he starts riffing with them and it's killing. And it's just riffing with a cup

Rory Scoville needs a camera at every show because I feel like magic will happen. Genius! There's the other story about him having a cordless mic and he's walking around the stage like fucking with everything in the room. He was just so good off the cuff and he sees an elevator, like an old freight elevator, but it's glass. So he gets in the elevator and he's riffing

in the elevator while going up so they can all see him go up and get the cordless bike. I mean, he's just like on another level, that guy. Yeah, man. Rory's fucking great. He really is funny. Where you been? Scoville? Where the fuck you been, buddy? I remember he did a thing like Barlow and Esme back in the day. Oh, yeah. Great show. I remember it was a Brett Favre. This is how long ago it was. Brett Favre was, I think, on the Packers. So this is how long. This is going to date the story, but they're playing and he just starts, the game is on in the back and he just starts narrating it. Ah!

He starts calling the game and it's killing. Like he's just doing an announcer calling Brett Favre and the crowd is like an ulti room. They're fucking dying. Dying. That's how you do it, man. And then we got to follow that with a, so what's up with the post office? Dating's weird. Yeah. He just, he's, he's,

He's touched. He's like enlightened in his comedy way where like, I wish you could harness it. Incredible improviser. Yeah, you gotta be in the room for him. Just put that guy in any moment. Any moment. He's always in the moment. 9-11 on the tower, he was killing. Even like in...

Even in just person. He's just like chatting with them. He's there. He's in the moment. Yeah. It's important to be in the moment. Yeah. I know. He's like talking about things. He's like, what'd you get? And you're just telling him what you ordered. And he just responds. And you're like, I never looked at shrimp that way before. Yeah. And it's not like he's going, where are you from? There's none of that shit. It's all next level just...

in the moment shit. Yeah. That's why I put him in Todd Glass. Like, just give them a show where they just don't even give it a theme. It's just like it's Todd Rory. Yeah. And let him just just follow them into places. I saw them once. Todd Glass was on stage at Whiplash. This is nine years ago. And he's bombing. And Rory goes, we get it. You're gay. Yeah. I was hosting. Oh, really? And then Todd Glass, like you tell that killed and it bothered him. And he goes, oh, yeah. Well, that's why your dad's dead. Yeah.

But Roy's dad's dead. I mean, they just went back and forth just saying the worst shit, and they're best friends. But it was pretty epic. That's when you get in the basement at 2AM. We have a new fucking mark here. Yeah. The Belgian. I love it. I'm into the Belgian. You don't like it? No, I love it. I'm into it. We need you to belch. Yeah! Did he hit one? He hit one on deck. He hit one in the pipes. I know. How'd you pull that off? I don't know. Ugh!

That sucked. That was terrible. The episode where Sam barfed. I just started puking all over the mic. Oh, man. By the way, my girlfriend's been farting. What do you think about that? I'm working on a new bit about how my girlfriend was someone she'll... I need an ending to this, but I'll say she'll...

Sometimes she will leave the room to fart, but she never does that with her feelings. You know, like, and I was like, well, you know, as weird as I prefer the farts. Yes. Like a woman, I've never had a woman fart in the bathroom at two in the morning. I've been like, guess I got to go in there. That's the turn I have right now. I don't know. I don't know what the, I might need. A fart will dissipate the feeling. You got to face them. You don't have to face the fart. When you said your girlfriend's been farting lately.

Well, I guess we've been together long enough where she's like... Yeah, no, I mean, there's a comfort level. Is that just lately, though? No, but I think there's a guard down that is set with... Yes. I think women are weird about doing that. And I'm kind of like, I don't give a shit. I go, what are you holding in for? I always... Dude, I always fart early. I fart early, too. I sit down, I go... I have a bit... I would like... I did a thing where I would light a fart in front of a girl every time, just...

Because it's very doable. I don't know. If I had to fart right now, I'd give me a lighter, but I don't. Really? That's a Southern mating call. Yeah. But you do that and see how they react, and you know if you're going to be...

It is for longer than that night. Yeah. But yeah, dude, farting, I mean... You just don't want it... Look, this is how I look at it. She's allowed to fart. She's a human being. It's a bodily function. But you don't want your woman farting every 10 seconds, and you don't want your man crying every 10 seconds. Well, there's a different... Farting for a woman and crying for a man are the same.

I don't know. I'm just saying. Look, it's okay for a guy to cry. Your relative dies or whatever. You especially don't want her crying or him crying because she farted. Right, right. You don't want them happening at the same time. Or her farting. Actually, but it's okay if she farts because you're crying. Suck it up, pussy. Right. The thing is, like, at least you know. The thing is, you don't know when a guy's going to cry. You know when a woman's going to fart. We ordered Indian. Ah.

It's coming. You know, it's a... Funeral, I feel like you know what I'm gonna cry. Funeral, I guess certain events. Yes, it's going out to Indian buffet, going to a funeral. Those are the two guarantees. She's gonna fart, I'm gonna cry. But...

It sucks. I mean, I mean, terrible to go to an Indian funeral. And also, you don't want to hold either one in. You hold in a fart, you hold in a cry. Something bigger is going to come out later. Well, you're going to shit the bed in many different ways. Yes, yes, exactly. Both literally and figuratively. Yes. By the way, can we switch figures?

Can we make figuratively the word instead of I literally am on fire right now. Just say figuratively. That's true. It's what you actually do. And it's one extra. I'm on fire. It's literally one extra syllable. You're right. Like, what I want when people are just like, like, I,

I could literally eat a horse. I could figuratively eat a horse. I get it. Yeah. Or even when you're using it correctly, it's like, do you know any other fucking adjectives? Well, it's like every other one. We got to go to the peak. You know, you go, he's a Nazi. And you're like, he's Jewish. What? Go to the biggest one. He's a racist. He's a whatever. He's a pedophile. You go to the- He's a Nazi. He's a Jew. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Guys, Lewis is Hispanic. Yeah.

Give it a little friendly knock on the shoulder. There you go. He's having a good run. You got dates you want to plug on the road? Late December, January, February, whatever you got. I literally have. Do we get that peeve?

Oh, the Peeve. Did we ever get that? I didn't get the Peeve out. Wait, real quick. What's the Peeve? Yeah, hit us with the Peeve first. The Peeve is, so this is not a new one of people who do not, who play music without headphones on public transportation. Oh, that's crazy. Like, I get it. Okay, I get it. It's never good music either. With cyclists, I get it.

Okay. That's a big thing. Zipping by. Well, also because you can't have headphones on when you're riding a bike. You have to be able to hear cars and shit. Yeah. I get that. Yeah. I get it. But on. It's just like, I get it. You're a fucking. You're on a subway. You don't give a fuck. It's that attitude. I think it's mainly like, I don't give a fuck. I play my fucking music. You can't tell me. You can't tell me what to listen to. Fuck all y'all. Yeah.

Fine. Fine. It's always the same music, too. Can we get... Just once, I want to hear James Taylor on those speakers. That would be great. The one that... But the peeve is now, and this is only in New York, I don't know, because I don't ride public transportation all the time in other cities, but people watching fucking TV without headphones on on their phones and shit. Crazy. Crazy. What are you... Why? Amtrak, bus, the bus, it's crazy. It's an epidemic. Like, I don't...

You know what? You're not in the bull bus anymore. Well, in my day, there was a lot of casino games. Ding, ding, ding.

You're like, come on. So my answer is like, if you're... I'm going to start fucking... You're going to sit there and watch your bullshit live. It's also like, I get it. The music can kind of make you seem cool if you're like, I'm going to play this fucking death metal. I'm going to play some Mastodon at full volume and I don't give a fuck what anybody thinks. Fine. That can kind of seem you make... People might be like, fuck that guy, but he's kind of scary. But when you're sitting there watching...

season one of ozark with no headphones it's like what's your what's the end game there you're trying i think it's because they're like oh i'm just now catching up on this so people will think i have a life and i'm busy right right we are like laura lenny too but there's a time and a place right right and that time is fucking home mother or get some air or get some god fucking like because that makes me want to sit next to you and be like i'm gonna watch the next episode

Best moment of my life. I'm going to listen to the episode you're watching and play the next one. Best moment of my life. Same time. I used to go to the rec center. It's a bunch of poor people and old people and me. And there was always this Puerto Rican guy who played loud music all day long. Salsa shit, whatever. Everybody hated him, but he was old and weird, so we all let it slide. One day, this young black guy comes in. He starts blaring hip hop, and they both look at each other like, what are you doing? And he was like, what are you doing? He's like, what are you doing? And I was sitting there curling going, ah.

Fuck you both. You're both assholes. And now you're mad at that asshole for being you. And you're that asshole. And it was like, it was a beautiful thing. You look kind of like a Batman villain when you laugh that way in that jacket. Yeah, I know, dude. The curler. The curler.

I'm the curler. Yeah. But it was just, it was a beautiful moment seeing these two inconsiderate cunts. Yeah. And they still didn't get it. They were still like, why are you playing? I'm playing my music, but I'm playing my music. Well, welcome to life. We're living in a society. Yeah. We all kind of have to get along here and just let shit fucking, but yeah, headphones or just, that would be the thing too. If I, if I had the money to do it, just have like a supply of very nice headphones, some beats. Ah,

I'd just walk over and be like, there you go, man. Yes. You're set. There's no reason anymore. Consideration. I just gave you $400 headphones. Yeah. That are laced with acromionon. What's it called? Acromionon. I saw a guy, this girl was listening to rap music really loud, and this guy went up to her and he's like, what are you doing? We're all trying to enjoy ourselves. I'm reading. She's old. What are we doing here? She's old. And she was like, fuck you, bitch, man.

He's like, well, why are you mad at me? You're the one being loud. She's like, I can do whatever I want. That's what it is. It's like, I can do whatever I want. That's what it is. You can, but do you want to be an asshole? You're not a good person. Yeah. And that's, you're allowed to do anything. Oh, sure. You know? Right. And if, but if you went up to her with a microphone, where are you a good person? They go, of course I'm a great person. That's the problem. They don't know that they're doing fucked up shit.

And that's, yeah. Well, that person's never going to find someone who treats them well. Like, if you're the type of person that blasts music on the subway, like, you're not putting out your best foot forward on a first date. Right. You're going to be with a guy who treats you like absolute dog shit. Yeah. Or a woman. He's going to play music loud without headphones while he's treating you like shit. The next morning, he blasts in your ear to get the fuck out.

Yeah. Yeah. That's a good peeve. It's the classic New York peeve. People stink. You get on the fucking train and you're listening to someone like, man, what if I'm not caught up yet on the unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt? I wish it was that show.

I wish there was just ones they were watching. El Kemper. It's always like Vikings or some shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, right. It was a good show. Maybe the best intro of any show ever. I've never seen it. You've never seen The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt? No. Oh, yeah, that's a great intro. Mike Britt is in the intro. Pull it up, Matt. What? I love Mike Britt. Dude, just get the intro of...

You're gonna fucking love it. So the premise of the show is so dark. The premise is basically these women who are kept underground as captives and they break out and now they're trying to live a normal life but this guy kept them as like slaves. What? That's dark. It's dark but look at the intro. This is a Tina Fey show. Let them out. Get the sound on. It's a great show. It's a legit great show from start to finish. I mean the intro is so funny. Look at this shit. Whoa. Yeah. Whoa. And now they live in New York. Yeah. Ah!

It's my friend. Yeah, yeah. Was he down there? No. He's a neighbor. Oh, okay.

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They emailed my agent and said, if you don't drop him, we'll never book one of your clients again. Why? Because the show started an hour late and I made fun of the club when I was on stage for that. Because Randy Ding Dong Hat Fuck is a Ding Dong Fat Fuck? I mean, look, that ain't cutting edge comedy right there. I got banned too, but just for that joke. I got mad because... I got banned just now for that. I got mad because they...

they would do a blowjob shot before he got on stage before the headliners set they say they do it to pay the fucking feature I'm like hey dude the show's packed wait can I remind you it's a blowjob shot to everyone whose birthday it is yeah so I had one night where it was 14 fucking birthdays what I had to go on stage after 14 blowjob shots 14

Yes. Oh, my God. There's almost a fucking hour of blowjobs on stage. Yeah, that takes 45 minutes. They're doing these with their hands behind their back. And then you're like, I got to follow this shit. I don't want to do this shit. And it's insane. Wow, that is crazy. What is a blowjob? And then I go on and shoot in the club. It's a shot in a little tube that you got to...

And I think I went on there and I was like, you know, half in the bag at that point. Suck the guy's dick, remember. Well, there's like a little hyena in a tuxedo. I'm like, what the fuck is this logo? And it's killing me. Just shit on the logo. Yeah. That's it? The logo shitting? I mean, that's standard. It's standard. So I get off stage. He goes, this is a fucking family business. I'm like, you're doing blowjob shots before me. And I remember...

I remember Hillary was our agent at the time. She called me. She's like, this is bad. This is really bad. I'm like, what did I do? I don't know what I did. I was a comedian. It's not bad. Oh, you don't do two shit clubs in Texas? Three. He's got three. Where's the third one? Up his fucking ass? Yeah. You fucking guy. You fucking drink to working. Take your fucking down, guy. No, I wouldn't do that. He's a nice enough guy, but also fucking the heinous clubs.

They bumped me from both of them because I was dirty. And he was like, you got to be clean. I'm like, I have to be clean again after doing blowjobs? After the blowjob shots? After all the blowjob shots, you want me to be clean? Wow.

Wow. Yeah, I love that. All right, there's the blowjob shot. Now, look, it's a clean comedian. Socks are strange. Socks? You like socks? You always lose one in the dryer. Where do you think they went, huh? I bet all my socks are in Tulum. Damn. The fucking...

Well, you're doing the Addison Improv. That's a good room. I'm there, yeah. That's a great room, man. I just, I mean, I just got back from there. When this comes out. Oh, right, right. I hope it's fun. Yeah, I can't wait. That's a great room. I can't wait. It's in the middle of, it's kind of in the outskirts of town, but it's like a suburb. But Dallas is the outskirts of itself. Dallas is huge. You know what I'm saying? It's such a fucking massive city that like, but Addison, yeah, the Addison Improv is fun as hell. Yeah, I know, right? We got to wrap this up. But straight up, yeah.

Improv. Nope. That's not what I'm... Yes. Me, SeanPatton.com. Got a shitload of dates for the next two months preparing for the special. You'll be at San Francisco at the Punchline. It looks like December 24th. That's just a one-nighter. Great rooms. Yeah, doing Acme for... Oh, for New Year's. That's right. You're rolling. You're rolling. Asheville in January. Asheville. All the cities we like. Yeah, you should all go see Sean. He's a really, really great comic. Yeah.

There's a lot of one-nighters here. Savannah, Georgia. I like them. I booked a bunch of one-nighters because I like to try it. I want to go to Wormhole. That's a great fucking place. I love Savannah. Yeah, Lincoln. This place, Zubart, Old Comedian. And then the Comedy Club of Kansas City. Have you heard about this place? Yeah, I've played there. It's good. I've heard it's pretty fucking great. Great, great barbecue in that city. Back to the Creek.

Hey, it's about time. Love it. Going back so long. I went, I was in April. Oh, okay. And then, uh, and then there's like five dates I haven't added yet, but I'm also going to be in Houston. Nice. I'm going to be in Seattle. Also going to be in, uh, and the special is February 3rd. That's when I, yeah. So I'm, I'm, I'm not putting up any dates afterwards because I'm like, no, just focus on this. Yes. You know what I mean? Like I'll put up my fucking dates and I don't have, I don't have any, I'm actually taking March off this or just to kind of like, uh,

Not March. The rest of February. But shit starts again in March. I'm not going to post again until February. But like... To get some new shit. Yeah, just like build... To live. Well, just build like... Two shows? Two shows, yeah. Nice. Who's filming it? Oh, 800 pounds. 800 pounds. Oh, that'll be great. Eric Abrams directing. John O'Erik. Ooh!

Love him. Yeah, I'm fucking excited. I'm ecstatic about it. And come see these shows. They're going to be fun. Nice. Go see Sean. He's a killer. You're not going to be disappointed. It's about time you put some shit on wax.

You got 18 million hours up in the ether. It's nice to see it coming down. Thank you. Most people think it's only 16 million. Yeah, it went high on the hours. I'm excited, man. I'm excited, too. I can't wait. I mean, look, I watched both you guys' specials, and it made me realize, like, you know, fucking we all have to be... We're all we got. Yeah.

You got that right. You know what I mean? Yeah. We are all we got. We can't keep relying on these people up in the sky to pluck us out and put us on a TV show or whatever. It's over. There are good industry people out there, but there's also- There's two or three of them. I would go as high as six. Wow. But-

But the problem is that they have their own game that they're constantly fucking playing with each other. Yes. They're engaged in a constant pissing contest with each other. And the bottom line is it fucks all of our livelihoods when they decide they have to be better than when they have to win.

when they're in a gauge and some blood where it's not the same thing for us where it's like our shit not only gives you a lifestyle but it doesn't fuck it doesn't fuck with your lifestyle and when someone fucks up you only make more money off of it yeah you know what i mean when rogan gets called out for whatever shit he said that he only gets more attention when chapelle gets called out for that he said you get more attention like

They find a way to make that a little swear jar for us. They always fucking make money off of us. Whereas when they decide to start going at one another, it can fucking dozens of us to hundreds of us at once. Yeah. And it's like, we're all we got. We got to just keep making shit because that's, you're right. That's the only way. And, uh,

They're morally bankrupt and they're doing a terrible job. We gotta just keep doing our shit. They keep treating us like the stock market. Like, if we go up and whatever, they're like, we'll buy, we'll buy, we'll buy. But then when we go down, they're like, see you later. And you're like, no, we're human beings, we're people, we're artists, we're creators, we're trying to make shit. But they just go, ah,

You're not doing it the way we like right now. Yeah. And you're like, well, that's not the point. That's not the point. It's never been the point. Yeah. I mean, Scorsese is a bad movie every now and then. Yeah. It happens. The biggest mistake that culture made, I don't know when it was happened, the idea of giving people what they want versus giving people what you want. Ooh.

As creators, that should be our fucking op. That should be our honing. You have to get to the point. We give you what we want. You have to get to the point where you can kind of do that. That's a good point. Yes, that's true. But you get to that point. I don't think you get to that point by giving them what they want either. I don't think Mean Streets was what they want. I think that's what Scorsese wanted. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I think that's a good point. No, I agree with you. I don't think anybody in this room has ever pandered.

We're not amongst panderers, right? No, no. Except for this fucking guy couldn't pass the ball. That's his favorite. But that's what I'm saying. My Patrick Ewing cutout, even though we have that on camera. Do we, Matt? Okay, good. But you gotta remember Rodney didn't make it until he was 50 because he just kept doing his thing. Older. No, he was older. 50, yeah. But yeah, you know. But legendary. Those days are fucking, I mean, look, it still happened. But like, also, we've talked about it too. It's like, you want to,

You want to enjoy the success. I know. It's kind of fucked up that he made it when he was 60. It's fucked up he had 20 years to really enjoy it. You know, that's kind of a bummer. I mean, you talk about Norm. Like, I posted this when he died. But, like, my favorite fucking – I will always be thankful to you for a number of things. But for one was – I don't know if you remember this. In 2015, we were doing some show. And at the time, I was in L.A.,

And I was back here and you were like, what are you doing now? And I'm like, I don't know. And you're like, come with me. Let's go to the cellar. Norm's doing his last. He's running his Letterman. Yes, that's right. And I was like, fuck. Okay. And I went and seeing that set changed me because he's right. Yeah. Well, he does his Letterman set.

And it's like, you know, it's Norm Letterman. That's great. And then he goes off on this 10 minute joke about apples. Oh, yeah. Which I love that fucking bit. But you saw how even at the Cellar, one of the greatest clubs on the planet, half the audience was still like, I don't. And the other half was like, wow.

Yeah, it's going through the name Red Delicious. That seems like the best one. Oh, dude. It's brilliant. The Macintosh, the old man Macintosh. But that's what I'm saying. Like, it reminded me like, oh, yeah, what Norm did was pure comedy. It's the same thing Patrice did. But Norm, it was like, it's not about you. This is about me. I'm the performer. And it's your job to get me, not my job to play to you. Mm-hmm.

You come in here, you've accepted that this is a goddamn craft and an art form, and I'm giving you something real and raw from me. And if you can't get it, you're fucking up. But I'm putting it in a way where you can't get it. I'm giving you every single opportunity to understand what this is. But I'm not going to go further and then make it about you. Because it's not about you. I'm not paying to see you right now. Meet me in the middle. Yeah, yeah, meet me in the middle. And that's what those guys did amazingly.

was like they they gave you such pure real and there's still louis does it so lazy maria banford does it yeah exactly i mean you know fucking chapelle like people get mad at him like he still does this like he gives it to you like here it is it's fucking here i'm giving i'm not making this hard to understand you just refuse to get out of your like well this is about me nah

Ah, right, right. Bullshit. Like, it's... No, it's about us as performers and... Like, I know we all... I know myself personally, too. I expose my fucking... I'm like, there it is. I'm giving you a few... Like, there's my anatomy chart. You know what I mean? Like, it's what I'm fucking made of. If you don't like it, fine. I'm not saying...

I'm not saying I'm for everyone, but I'm also saying I'm giving you every opportunity. Yes. Right. And like writing Joe Rodney did it. Any great comic does that where they're like, this is pure me. Yeah. And that's the best you're going to get. And if you need me to fucking hold your hand, I'll walk you out the fucking door so that I can continue writing.

me. And that's what... Then I'll walk you home. And if you don't like it, if you don't want to let me upstairs, then you're stuck up. What are you, a lesbian? Let me guess, a bunch of fucking clam chowders. All right.

Manhattan or New England. But that's, I don't know, I just always love that about Norm, where it's like, man, fuck, like some of this shit is so goddamn brilliant. You watch his weekend updates on YouTube. He's bombing half of it. But they're so brilliant. He's ahead of his time. He is, he is. Because at home we were like, oh, shit. But in the crowd they're like, I don't know if we're supposed to. And you're like, oh, come on, you pussies. Even Bill Burr. Oh, Burr's my dude. He did a monologue and it was great, but the crowd was like, can we, are we, and you're like, it's a comic.

Somebody show you twats. What are we doing here? He's making jokes. Yeah, it's edgy or dark or whatever. I love this, like, can we? I hate all this analyzing. Like, is that okay? Well, that's not good. But he's got a black wife, so you're like, shut up. No one even knew that. I mean, I think it was like people have like a standards and practices in their own mind. Like, does that fly?

Trust the guttural reaction that you have. Don't make this about some societal rules. Laugh or don't laugh. It should be instinct. It should be instinct. And it is, deep down. Are you guys finding, though, that lately...

audiences are back and that's great. But then sometimes I've done a couple of shows lately where I'm like, God damn, this is tanking. And then afterwards there's a horde of people wanting to be like, Oh, I really, that was great. And I'm like, I get that. What the fuck is going on? I was like, Oh, you've spent a year on lot, like watching, like you're laughing up here now. Right. Did you hear what Kenison used to have a quote where he would, Sam Kenison would say, you know, you don't want to do pretty well with the whole crowd. You want to crush for three.

That was his, yeah. I've never heard that before, and it just gave me a slight chub. Yeah. When you crush for three, you get three people for life. You find the clitoris in the audience. That's my big thing. You just got to stimulate the clitoris. It takes about an hour and a half, too. Once you get it.

Once you get it. Once you find the clitoris. Yeah. It's fucking. They are fucking. And oftentimes, much like an actual clitoris, they're just slightly to the right where I'm focusing my energy the whole time. And it takes racist jokes to take off the hood. The toral hood. I love the idea of you just shouting racial slurs into your wife's soon-to-be. Ah!

You know, Mike, you want to get... We got a year. Can I throw this out here? We got to get out of here. One last thing. You got to plug your weekends and I'll plug mine. I think my family is catering Mark's wedding. That's right. Aaron. Yeah, my sister. That's exciting. I'm trying to keep it in the fam. Yeah, dude. Yeah, so you're officiating. I don't know if I told you that. Oh, I would love to. Are you officiating? What's the deal with weddings, guys? No.

I'm ordained. I'm like, oh, that's true. Half of them don't even work out. Am I right, guys? Just bombing it the way. Yeah, yeah. Your first reader, you've seen them on. Oh, man. I mean, Tom Papa doing Rachel Feinstein's wedding killed. Really? So funny. And Quinn goes up and does a speech after Tom Papa's. And then he kills. Shits on Tom Papa. He goes, yeah, Tom, your minister voice was really pissing me off. And I get the huge laugh.

and then tom goes on after quinn and goes yeah i should have mumbled to through my speech like you colin it's both of them just killing back and forth shitting on each other yeah incredible that's great where are you gonna be mark talk oh hey uh i'm gonna be all over the place uh this new year's milwaukee improv come on out say hello do the whole ball drop nonsense kansas city improv uh

Shit in my mouth. The Syracuse funny bone. Oh, there's nothing on Twitter. There's no dates. There we go. This is all wrong. My website sucks. It says West Nyack. I was there in September. Phoenix, Arizona. I was also there in August. Look at this. Even the dates are wrong. It goes from 12 to 6.

How'd that happen? Come on! Who does your website? This lady. She's a pothead. She's nice. I try to throw her a couple bucks. Buckhead, that's a good theater. Yeah, that's already passed. How was that? Was that good? That was great. It's in the 9th. This comes out the 19th. That's December 9th. This comes out the 19th. Oh, shit. This episode. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Numbers. But yeah, I'm all over the place. I'm going to update this shit.

We'll get it together. I think I'm going to Chicago at some point. Other dates. Wait, I want to stick to being the truth, Sarah. No, it isn't the 19th. It's only the first. Today's the first? Yeah. We're backlogging because our schedules are spooky. No, I get you. I get you. Look, for you listening to this now on the 19th, if you're shocked that this was prerecorded, it's the holidays. Secondly, it's the holidays.

It's almost 2022, guys. I know. We lost a good two years of our lives here, and we might lose more with this Omicron. We're not going to lose Omicron. I got boosted up. I'm boosted up. Let's fucking fuck that shit. Get that booster, guys. Uh-oh. Are you at the heart for Funny Bone? I am. What happened? Hey.

my boy Trey Wingo I hope I see you there he came to your show oh good guy ESPN's finest I love that he's not there anymore look at the dimples on that son of a bitch Marcus Russell Price yeah I'll be at Richmond Virginia January 20th through 22nd Timonium Maryland the 29th through 27th through 29th Hartford Funnybone the 11th through 12th of February Sacramento the 18th through 20th nice and yeah and

Fucking Beacon Theater New York City should be live May 9th. Get on that shit. All right. Talk about local boy makes good. By the way, you want to tune in for these pods because you're going to be an angry, angry curmudgeon after those three gigs in a row. Really? Hartford.

and Sandman. We'll see what happens. Tune in, folks. Oh, I am? You're going to have some stories. Sacramento's a good time, though. I don't have to get on a flight for any of those gigs. Good point, good point. And I do have that. I wanted to neck the heels, so yeah, let's... Sacramento's a good time, though. That's a good club. That's a great fucking time, man. Good club, yeah. Hotel buyout. But other than that, very good. I'm excited. All right, out to lunch. I hate myself. Rooftop documentary. Pfft.

King Scorpio dropping on the... But listen to Scuttlebutt. It's out now. King Scorpio. And be prepared for the special. I don't know when it's coming out. Very exciting. All right, folks. Thanks a lot. Happy holidays. Kwanzaa. Hanukkah. Praise Allah. Great app. Matt, how long was that one? That's two hours. We're tickling two. Oh, we're tickling two. We're tickling two. We're tickling two.

so