Ep 53: Cocoa and Basil Hayden
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We might be drunk, we might be drunk, as long as we are hanging out, you know we might be drunk. Raise a glass, let's talk shit, have heaps, wrecks, and a bit, maybe drunk, we might be drunk, yeah. Holy hell, here we are, it's the holiday season in New York, there's a nip in the air, Thanksgiving's over, Christmas is on the way, and Hanukkah.

So we're really doing it. Good to see you. Just like the country just slid Hanukkah right in there. Thought we wouldn't notice. No, I'll tell you, this is my favorite stretch, man. Yes. In New York, it's getting a little cold, but this is when we're still happy to see the cold. Right. It's not March when we're fucking a beaten housewife in the 50s where we're like, please, just stop. Right, yeah. It's like when my dad comes home. You're like, Dad. Then 20 minutes in, he's like, God, fucking, you piece of shit. You failed out of school. Your mom hates you. And you're like, Jesus.

So, yeah, that's where we're at. No, it's still nice. I mean, we're doing hot cocoa today. Yeah. This is perfect. Wholesome. With a splash? Well, it wouldn't be we might be drunk without a little bit of grandpa's old cough medicine. What kind are we using? We're going with a nice Kentucky bourbon. All right. Well, I just ruined the tablecloth. Tell me when. Whoa. All right. All right.

Feel like Cosby. We're putting our viewers to sleep. What kind of bourbon was that again? Key West or High West? Basil Hayden. What is it? Basil Hayden. This is good stuff. Basil Hayden. This is good stuff. All right. I think Pete Davidson fucked her. Basil Hayden. I think that's Bieber's wife, Hayden. Oh, that's really good with the bourbon. Oh, yeah? Yeah.

- Oh yeah, the sweet with just that kick at the end, I love it. - It's almost like a peppermint patty a little bit. - Yes!

Remember those? Were you ever like a Junior Mints Peppermint Patty type of guy? Me neither. To me, it was like an adult. Yes. Get out of here. It's like people who like mint chocolate chip ice cream. You're just like, eh. That had a run in the 90s for a while, and I hated it. I kept my head down. It's like eating toothpaste with chocolate. It was like cargo shorts. You're like, this is in for a minute. It's not going to last. Exactly. Yes. It's the hoverboard. It's a spinja. It's all that shit. Avril Lavigne. Yeah.

- All right skater boy. I'll see you later boy. - It was, I was never, I like the new, like if we're doing like birthday cake ice cream, I'll fucking, I'll get down. A little chocolate chip cookie dough. - Sure. - Is ice cream your go-to dessert? - Yeah, I like it the best. - Me too. - But I will say when cookie cake came out, I shit the bed.

blew my mind. Yeah. The flat cookie with frosting on it says happy birthday, Sam. Oh, man, I love cookie cake. Cookie cake is good. So good. Remember ice cream cake? Ice cream cake was pretty big.

Wow. That was like when the iPod came out. My mom always tried to be healthy with it because she loved it. Remember Tasty Delight? That was like a real New York thing. My parents, my dad fucking loved it. My dad must have been killing hookers or something. Because I mean, his worst vice was like a scoop of Tasty Delight. You don't have like half a salmon. Right.

Right, right. I'm like, how is this the bad thing you do? That can't be enough. Yeah, he's Matt Lauer on the weekends, but during the day. But you know, those Tasty Delight ice cream cakes, that place was cool, though, because you could go in and just go sample after. They wouldn't stop you from getting like four samples. That's true. Is that the one where you do it yourself? No, that's 16 handles. Oh, sorry. What's Tasty Delight? It was like pre-Pinkberry. Yes.

I remember Pinkberry had a run. Oh, big run. Did TCBY go out of business? That was big when I was back. Yeah, they're still around? Dude, uh... What does that stand for? The country's best yogurt. Oh, I never knew that. It was good. Yeah. Pinkberry had a run. Pinkberry's like fucking Charlie Sheen. It was up here for a minute and then went right back down. Too many porn stars that got AIDS. By the way, you get AIDS now and it's like a news story and then you're fine. Are you fine, though?

I think he's all right. I mean, Magic Johnson's meeting and greeting. Yeah, but he's so rich. Yeah, maybe you got to be rich. I mean, when he got it, everyone was like, he's dead. Oh, yeah. I mean, I remember Carmelone in the NBA was like, I'm not playing with him. I know. Also, Carmelone had sex with a 13-year-old and impregnated her, I think. I'm looking that up because that's slander. Slander? Look it up. I stand behind it. Wow. He'd be in jail, right? I don't know, dude. Man.

- That's a slam dunk. 13 year old, huh? - That's a foul. - Oh, yep, there it is. - It's a little forward. - What'd I say, brother? I ain't wrong. - Statutory rape, 13 year old. - Magic Johnson though, that was like, do you ever see that doc, the 30 for 30 on Magic? - No. - That's one of the best ones. - Really? - It's really good. - Is that about the AIDS or? - Oh yeah. - Oh shit. - Oh yeah. - All right, I lost a lot of money on that AIDS.

I bet against him. Yeah, brutal. I thought he had like a two-year window. Fan duel. That's what it is. This is really good. This is great. Might be a go-to. Hot winter. See, I'm like down for an art bag or like a Petey winter scotch or something. Love Petey. Petey the umbrew. But if you're doing like a, man, we did that hot toddy episode. Those are fucking nice, dude. I'm a sucker for all these, like eggnog. I can do a gallon of eggnog. I mean, you shit.

you know, bile. Well, man, I love an eggnog with bourbon. I'm hurting. I did that Chinese food place we went to that night. I order there sometimes. It's, man, that is just diarrhea city right there. Oh, yeah, yeah. Which I think is a town in Wuhan. Oh, my God. Where it all began. Yeah. And, you know, it really...

It's really good, that place. We've got the fish and the chili sauce. Holy shit. That's one of the best things I've ever eaten. They bring it in the whole big thing. Yeah. That's an event. As you're eating it, you ever eat something and you're like, this is going to be terrible tomorrow. That should be, on the outside of the restaurant, is worth a diarrhea is what it should say. Because you know it's coming. It's horrible. Chinese food in the cold is not much better. When winter time in New York, ugh.

So good. Is that your number one winter food? It's probably up there. I mean, Americana is nice, too. Like comfort food, lasagna, rice and gravy and, you know, shit like that pot roast. That's good, too.

but Chinese, something about it. Hot and sour soup, dumplings. Forget about it. Spicy chicken, shit like that. Oh, man. Your whole body warms up. They have mamoons right by the cellar. They do a lentil soup. Oh, it's great. In the winter, that shit comes in a little cup. It's like $3.75. Can't beat it. Did you ever go to WoHop back in the day? What's that? Oh, yeah.

You know about Wohop. What was that? It's a dive hole in the wall place in Chinatown. You have to walk downstairs. You got to go downstairs. It's open until 5 a.m. So we'd all get drunk after the bar and go to Wohop. Yeah. It was a big institution in New York. On Mott Street. Mott Street. Everything was like eight cents. It was so cheap. You lived like a king in Wohop. Cash only? I think so. Yeah. It was under the table. I don't think they were on the up and up. There they are. That's how they served you. Yeah.

Yeah, whoa-hop. There's those stairs. Some guy tried to Venmo me. He's like, I didn't bring cash. I'll Venmo you. I'm like, what do you think? It's my first day here in New York. You think I'm going to get conned this easily? Oh, shit. I overpaid you. Can you send me the money back? Then you find it's one of those scams. Wait, is that a restaurant? No, that's at Mamoon's because it's cash only. Oh, right. Those cash only places, it's weird now because you kind of have to-

But Mamoon's is not a place you plan on going at the beginning of the night. It's a place you end up. So it's weird that those places are cash only. Yeah. Because cash is, people aren't really caring anymore. No. And we need to come together because you go to some place, it's, hey, we're sweet green, cashless, we're the future, cashless. And then you go there and it's all cash, no card. We got to come together. Yeah.

Mm-mm-mm. It's getting hard. I know. Also, even with the subway now, you do the- The tap. The tap. I kind of like it, man. I love the tap. It's easy. Although, I get declined a lot more with the credit card tap, don't you? Oh, no. I don't get declined. Really? No. Uh-oh. What's going on with the finances? Come on. It takes a while to read sometimes. Oh, okay. Okay. Do you ever- Oh, I got to pee for you. I'm on the subway today. Uh-oh. And it's pretty crowded. There's a woman with the bag on the seat. Ah.

During COVID, I don't blame her, though. It's like, I'm saving this seat for the Holy Spirit. Like, don't sit next to me. Don't you feel like she was that person before COVID, though? I don't think she all of a sudden became the, I get a seat from my bag person. The bag seat lady's been around since eternity. She's always been there, and I hate the bag. Sometimes you give her a look, she's like,

She makes a big scene out of taking the bag off like she's a fucking Mother Teresa all of a sudden. Here's what you do if you want to be that person. You put your butt crack in between the two seats. That way it's a little more sneaky. That's a sneaky way to do it. That's a real New Yorker right there. I'll tell you what I don't love is you go to every bar and restaurant and everybody's got their coat and scarf and bag on a chair. You're like,

What? This coat is having a better life than me. It's on a chair. I'm standing. What am I doing? You're outside banging on the window. Yeah. Freezing. Dude, I'll tell you, these bulky winter coats, you got to get yourself a thin coat. I do layers. I'm rocking the Uniqlo layers, brother. I do layers, too. I got a long sleeve on under this. Love it. Love the layers. Love it. You ever put on a long john and jeans over it? You feel like you're beating the system. Do you ever put on a long john? I'm wearing them, right? Fucking hell, dude. Oh!

I love Long John's. And people say it's a little early in the season. Not for me. The only problem with the Long John is you go to fool around later and your dick smells like a stovetop stuffing. I mean, it's just been cooking and marinating in that heat and that shmegma and the jizz and the pubes and the sweat. And I keep bread down there anyway, so, you know. I got a yeast infection. But, yeah, you're baking bread down there all night. You're running from set to set, up subway stairs at 11.

It's a little ecosystem. I walked in, I walked in, uh, you know, in my long Johns and my, uh, my Uniqlo heat tech top. And my girlfriend told me I look like an old prospector. That's true. Yeah. Uh,

You're fanning for gold in the kitchen. So is there a poop shoot on those? No. A poop shoot? No, but there's a fly for your penis, which is more than I can say for those shitty underwear with no flap. You got that right. Yeah, call them out. Yes, get a flap going. This is America. This is quality. I could do this more often. We just fell ass backwards into this, and it's kicking ass. And this is real milk hot cocoa. None of that fucking, I hate when you get a water hot cocoa. Oh, the packet? Ugh. Yeah, come on.

That's what they were serving to Jews in Nazi Germany. Oh my God. You got that right. They were like, here's your ration for the day. Hot water with a little powder. Yeah, that Swiss Miss was a real anti-Semite. Well, you could do the Swiss Miss with milk, couldn't you? Yeah, that's true. Swiss or neutral though. Swiss or neutral. That's true. And nothing but a couple of those marshmallows. Ooh, just the little ones. Marshmallows are good. Yeah, because you get the big ones and they suck up all the cocoa.

We talked about the extra thick hot cocoa. I hate it. You can't drink it. Can't drink it. It's a syrup. It's a puree of just chocolate. You just melt the chocolate. Yeah. It's lazy. It's lazy. You're showing off, but really you're taking away. Right. I'm eating cake frosting over here at this point. Although, I could do cake frosting. Well...

I mean, I was talking about diarrhea. Ooh, it comes out the same way. Might as well shit over a cookie cake and spell something. Oh, I shit in the toilet that says happy birthday. Happy birthday, Nana. Sorry about the corn.

What about corn and dessert? How do you feel about that? Like some ice cream places, I think they're getting a little carried away and you'll get like a corn ice cream. I hate it. It's crazy. Get out of here. Yeah. Well, they're getting too, uh, too experimental. Yeah. You know, some guy made a cronut 10 years ago and he was, uh, got pat on the back.

you're not dominic anzo or whatever the hell his name was you're not you're some dude who fucking got carried away we don't need you get lucky every once in a while we don't need this many avant-garde desserts yes there's a classic they're classic for a reason it's like when that cunt puts the uh you know the the raisins in the coleslaw like what are we doing here raisins and chicken salad too bugger me i'm not a fan yeah you're ruining a good thing

It does look like bugs. I don't like it. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I'm not big on the, the cronut is, I mean, that type of shit. I never had it. RIP City Bakery, that spot. Remember that? It's closed? It's closed. Well, they had the pretzel croissant, which was like, that was, I mean, there was nothing better. Yeah, that's a good combo. You get a pretzel croissant, it's got the everything seasoning on it. Oh, yeah. Game changer. You know, I used to live in the East Village in that Moishe's Bakery. Mm-hmm.

And it would get a brick thrown through the window every now and then. It would get spray painted. It's still there. Why would it get a brick? I don't know. I think because it was the only glass. It was like old school glass with Moishas. And I think people just, you know, you get bored. It's a pretty, pretty sign. Look up Moishas if you can on 2nd Avenue. Man, that looks so good. Oh, that's good stuff.

Yeah, I've heard of it. I don't think I've ever been there. Yeah, it's an old Jewish bakery, and the food was great. It looked cool. It was tile floor and all that shit, but still there. You know, Second Avenue Deli went away. Oh, yeah. Second Avenue Deli kind of sucked, though. Ooh, there it is. Wait, is that it? That's it? That's a corner place. I don't know if that's it. Oh, that's not it? You're right, that's not it. Dude, the Second Avenue Deli kind of sucks.

Really? It's so overpriced. You get like a, I'll tell you this, like, all right, maybe I'm being hard on it, but like Katz's blows it out of the fucking water, doesn't it? Damn. Am I wrong? I thought Katz's was like the hacked tourist place. Katz's Delicatessen? Blows what out of the water? Second Avenue Del? 100%. Yeah. Really? Yeah. There it is. See, all the graffiti, but it just keeps fighting.

Second Avenue Deli, to me, is like you get a soup there. It's like $9 and it sucks. Damn. I think they'll have a good latke or something, but the sandwiches are okay. It's nothing in comparison to Katz's or Barney Greengrass or those types of places. Yeah, I'll take Katz's over almost any place other than Carnegie Deli, which closed. Carnegie Deli was dope, those pickles. But Katz's has that winter knish, dude. Ooh.

It's just called a knish, but in the winter it's fucking... Yeah. Even the hot dog's there. What's in a knish? Potato? It's like a fried potato, but it's crazy good. And you put a little mustard on it. It's like fried mashed potato-y. Yeah. Mmm. It's so good. Winter knish sounds like an old guy who lives above you. Ah, you gotta keep it down. Old man, winter knish. Sounds like an Orthodox Jewish punk band. Yes. Winter knish. Ring.

Yeah, yeah. See, all these other places, you know, I don't think they have Jewish bakeries and delis like this. I love them. Yeah, they're classic. Oh, yeah. And they feel like home. Something about, man, I just drink way too much coffee. Oh, Woody Allen there. That's a shot. Jeez. Carnegie Deli. And who was the first guy to say that a vagina looked like cold cuts? That guy needs a high five. Somebody had to think of it. Woody Allen, he says it looks like a cold cut, but when he gets to the very bottom and it's tiny. Oh. Oh.

Hasn't the man been to enough? He can't make a movie now. No. He's done. He's doing a YouTube special. That's next. Woody Allen's YouTube movie. Although his YouTube movie is going to be starring Javier Bardem. You're like, holy shit, man. It's pretty impressive. Right. Scar Jo is in it. If he did a comedy album, though, how cool would that be?

His early comedy album is incredible. Unbelievable. Great jokes. They still hold up. They're like evergreen. He wrote for Sid Caesar when he was like 18. Yeah. It was something crazy. He was absolutely a prodigy. Oh, yeah. His body of work. I mean, it's pretty crazy, but like, man, until you get to the early 90s, then it gets kind of rough. And I ain't talking about the movies. Do you want to hear a joke? We won't get kicked off because it's just audio. Sure. You want to hear a joke? Yeah. My main joke.

conclusion here and that is that I got married. That's the biggest thing that happened to me over the last... Yeah, I got married for the second time incidentally. I should have known something was wrong with my first wife. When I brought her home to meet my parents, they approved of her, you know? But my dog died. That's what happened. I gotta be careful what I say about her publicly because she's suing me. I don't know if you read that in the paper or not, but I'm getting sued because I made a nasty remark about her. She didn't like it. She lives on the Upper West Side of Manhattan and she was coming home late at night and she was violated. That's how they put it in the New York paper. She was violated.

They asked me to comment on it. And I said, knowing my ex-wife, it probably was not a moving violation. Oh, that's great, because you had to be clean. Yeah. So he got it in there. He also has a joke that every comic does now, and it's like a standard Woody Allen joke about...

You know, these machines are taking over my job. I don't have a job anymore. One of them is this little thing. It does all the things I can do, but better. My wife got one and she dumped me or whatever it is. But it's like a vibrator joke that a lot of comics kind of do. And he did it seven, 60 years ago or whatever. Wow.

Yeah, I mean, he was a great, he would have been a legendary stand-up, but he wanted to do other stuff. Yeah. Yeah, a lot of people get out of comedy. It's sad. You gotta love it. You gotta be a psycho. Yeah, but also, maybe this was, you know, for the best for him. I mean, he made great movies, so. True. I read his book when I started doing comedy. Without Feathers? Yeah.

He wrote a biography. Oh, yeah, yeah. But I did read that one too. But the biography, I was just trying to learn everything I could about stand-up. I was so into it. And he would puke before every performance. And that meant a lot to me. I was like, this guy, this legend was nervous. He had horrible stage fright. Loved that. A lot of L.A. actresses do the same trick. Yeah. But he had some great – my wife says I'm so immature. She would come in the tub or come in the bathroom while I was bathing and she would sink my boats.

My uncle's a, he's a reformed Jew. I mean, really reformed. He's a Nazi. Wow. He's got a million of them. That's a great joke. Reform. Mike Kaplan used to have a great joke where he'd say, you know, I'm Jewish. I'm not uber Jewish. I will use German to describe how Jewish I am. Ah.

That's like a Woody Allen joke. That's like a great. That's great. Yeah. Yeah, Kaplan's got a couple where you're like, Jesus, that's next level. For sure. Check out Mike Kaplan. He's got about 38 albums. Mike spelled M-Y-Q, not a joke. That's how he spells Mike, M-Y-Q Kaplan. Yeah. A lot of hilarious jokes. Oh, yeah.

Smart guy. Funny guy. You've been on the road? I've been on the road while I was in New Orleans, seeing the family. It was great. Great time. Went to a Pelicans game. Did you really? Yeah. Who'd they play?

A shitty team. Hold on. Well, the Pelicans are a shitty team. I know. They won. Did Zion play? No. And Ingram didn't play either? He played. Ingram played? He was the highlight. Yeah, he's good. Who did they play? Hold on. It's going to bother me. Washington. The Wizards? Yes. Oh, the Wizards are good this year. Oh, well, they weren't that night. They were fucking up. And we were drunk in the stands cheering on.

They almost threw me out like LeBron. I was like, I hope your kid dies. By the way, did you see that LeBron thing? Yeah, that was crazy. Apparently they were saying, I hope your kid dies. So he's like, you're out, you're out. That's what did it.

Wow. So everybody's like, Leron's a bitch. He's a snitch. And I'm like, well, it's a little shitty to yell. That's what they were chanting? It was just to a couple. And they were very specific. They're like, I hope he dies in a car wreck. And they were describing the car wreck. Jeez. And he's like, you got to go. Whatever happened to boo? I know, right? Whatever happened to just booing a team? Exactly. That's crazy. That's heavy. Let's all give the Knicks fans credit. They would troll Trey Young. Their chant would be, Trey is balding. Ah, yeah.

You keep it surface. You keep it like your kids die. I mean, those are two just sick people, clearly. Yeah, and then she did the cry leave, which was pretty funny. But, man, hope your kid dies. And then everybody online trashed it, but I'm like, that's kind of fair. It's a little over the line. Damn, yeah, there was Jay Williams. Jason, remember the guy who shot his chauffeur? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Jason Williams. By the way, Jason Williams used to play for the New Jersey Nets. He was the leading rebounder for a couple years, great rebounder.

His sister got murdered when he was in, I think, high school or college. So there was people chanting at games like your sister's dead, like that type of shit. Fucking horrible, like disgusting people. And he got drunk one night and was like, took out his shotgun and killed a chauffeur by accident. I think he was showing him the gun and flipping it around. Yeah. And he shot him. Yeah. And then he covered it up. Yeah. It later became known as the Baldwin.

But he, no, he shot him. And I remember I met him in a bar in Brooklyn once. I was like hammered. And we'd chat for a while. I was like, you're Jason Williams. Want a shotgun of beer? Well, they were just shooting the shit.

But we talked for a while, and he ended up giving me his email, and I lost it. But I was like, I should invite this guy to a show. Holy shit. He's like, hold my gun for a second. He's like, I'll get my driver. No, no, no, no, no. Wow. Shot a chauffeur, man. Yeah, crazy. Terrible, terrible story. Wild. Why isn't there a 30 for 30 on that? That would be a good one. That guy's life is crazy. He was a great player. I mean, he was really just like a...

He was a bruiser, right? He was a bruiser. Yeah, okay. Like, it kind of, like, did what Rodman did a little bit, just on a bad team. Right, not finesse at all. Yeah. Damn. No finesse, but tough. Yeah, shit. Dead sister chant. I mean, that's what these roasts have become. You know, you watch a roast battle now, and it's like, your dad got cancer, and your mom's gay, and he got hit by a car, and all this. You're like...

We're really upping the ante here. If I want that, I'll just log on to Twitter. It's crazy. It's getting so aggressive where you're like, I don't want to... I like the roast where it's like you're friends and you're just silly and you can feel the love with it. Right, exactly. That's what it's supposed to be. And it's weird to roast someone and have to... Let me Google you. Let me ask your friends for a shit. Like, you shouldn't notice. Was molested in seventh grade. All right, let's go. Here we go. Exactly, yeah. Too dark. That's where they're at now. Yeah. Because you got to keep... Because if you don't say it about them, they'll say it about you. So you might as well...

Dina might have had the best roast joke of all time. I remember that one. It was dark as hell. You want to tell Sally? Have you heard it? No. Dave Kinney was a funny guy. His mother tragically died in a motorcycle accident. On the highway. On the highway. So she died the way Dave lives, an unrecognizable road feature. But you're like, it's a great joke, but you're kind of like, do you want to subject yourself to that? Yeah. It's a lot. Yeah.

Man, that's good. I think it went viral. It's a great joke. Great joke. But you're also like, the dude's mom is dead. Right. Tragically, too. Tragically. He took it like a champ, though. He was like, well done. Yeah, but you know. I know. I think that's why comics get so much. It's funny that we just started by talking about LeBron. Like, that's fucked up. This is funny. But this actually happened. Well, they signed up for it. Yeah, that is true. He didn't sign up for that. He signed up for a basketball game.

But yeah, there is a line, I think, with these games where it's like people are making this much money. I'm like, we still don't talk about their kids dying like that. And you keep it. You suck if you want to go there. I know. And if I was LeBron, it'd be like that jerk store moment. Like I would have to find out who these people are, go to their job and be like, oh, that's why your dad is handicapped. You know, just get them back. That would bother me that we don't know who they are.

He just has to live with that, that kid dead thing from these two nobodies. Yeah, the Pistons also suck, so those fans are fucking angry. Oh, is that Detroit people? Yeah. Oh, shit. Yeah, that was crazy, that game. The blood, I mean, that dude just covered in blood, Isaiah Stewart. You didn't see that? No, no. Pull it up. I think his name is Isaiah Stewart. He's like a tough type of player. I mean, the Pistons, they're young. They'll be good in a few years. They got this kid, Cade Cunningham, who's going to be sick, but you know. All right, all right. Well, who won?

I think the Lakers won. All right, well, good. And they played again a few days ago and the Lakers won again. Are we allowed to even play this? No, no. Oh, shit, we got a brouhaha coming up. This is what you were talking about, isn't it? No, I didn't see this. Mack, can we play this? All right, we got the okay from the producer. Ooh, baby, he's pissed. So LeBron gave him a fist across the face and cut his eye open. Whoa, we got a melee cooking. So he calms down, right? Wait, this is ridiculous. Man, he's pissed.

Wait to see him go after LeBron here. Holy hell. So he calms down. Now he's gonna... Alright, I'm gonna chill. Oh, that's a hell of a hit. He's bleeding profusely from the right eye. I'm cool. I'm cool. I'm cool. I'm cool. I'm cool. Let go. Let go. Let go. I'm cool. Oh! He ran back out. I love it. Yeah! Yeah! Look at this guy. He's gonna play football. He's blowing through the line there. Oh, he's like a tough guy. Holy hell. Is he going after LeBron? Yep. Oh, shit.

Detroit does not fuck around. I'll be there this weekend. Michigan. Michigan. Although we have another episode coming out first. Shit, you're right. It's already over. Thanks, Detroit. That's a classic, that club. Oh, yeah. Great club. Great town. Royal Oak, right on the outskirts. I always go into Detroit, get the Coney Island dog. Do you really? Yeah, you got to see the city. Damn, you're better than me.

Yeah, it's a 15-minute Uber. Yeah. Maybe I'll go with the feature. Yeah. I had a good time. I was there with DeVito. Yeah, I have a good time there, man. I like the city. Yeah, good city, good club, and it's a boozy. It's like a drinking town. I think it's a college there in Royal Oak. Yeah, it's like a nice city. It's a nice suburb of Detroit. It is.

- Yeah, Michigan's got a lot of that. - I'll be in Charlotte. You know what, I gotta fuck another P for you, dude. - Oh, hit me, fatty. - A lot of hotels in certain cities, like you go to Charlotte, you go to Columbus, there's certain cities, they don't have any really good hotels, so they jack up the prices on the shitty hotels.

So now you're paying like 400 a night for a Marriott. Weird. And you're like, what the fuck? Might as well pay 450 and get a nice Sheraton or something. Yeah. I mean, it's annoying. So certain cities are like that. I don't get it. I didn't know that. So how come you guys don't Airbnb? It's like 200 bucks for a whole house. I don't know. I got the club to pay for it. I'm not.

I'm not, because I usually, I'm taking buyouts now. I got to do this buyout thing. You got to. I mean, because you just, some of these hotels, you're like. I know. You just have a better weekend. You just feel like, I'm going to write better. I'm going to, you know, I'm not saying anywhere fancy, but I mean.

And sometimes they're far away. Sometimes they're on the highway. Oh, man. The ultimate insult was when you were a young comic and they put you in a total shithole and it was like 35 minutes from the club. Crackers. So you went out. Yes. Crackers in Indianapolis. It was like a 35 minute drive and it was a dump. Yeah. Right. So I'm like, this hotel is gross as shit. And it's you're giving me an hour plus round trip for the gig tonight. Yep. Brutal. I.

I know. The worst. Just cheap clubs cutting corners. Yeah, hooked up with a waitress at that club 10 years ago. And even her, she was driving. And she's like, where the fuck is this place? What are you doing to me? I'm like, I know, I know. You're drying up. Yeah, exactly. Got halfway there as you change.

Tough sledding. You're ready to go to the gig and you have to leave an hour early and then you come home and you get home an hour late. Also, you're doing morning press while you're there. You travel a lot on top of this. You're like, just put me fucking downtown. At some point, you're like, give me a buyout and I'll book the hotel. All these are to play better places and they stop pulling shit like that. We were young comics. Where are you at on...

On the morning radio. Did you ever do Bob and Tom? They hated me. Really? They always hated me. You were a set-up punch. I know, and they still hated me. So it was kind of special. I mean, I remember I did it once, and I couldn't get a word in. There was that other guy, Chick, who I think is kind of surly. And I think I caught him in one of his moods, and he was just annoyed. And I was like, all right, whatever. I was young, and then the next time I was there. And this was a big gig. Not a big gig, but you could get some ears on that thing. Back in the day. Back in the day. I don't think anymore.

But like Birbiglia, Nick Griffin, and Tommy Johnigan, they all had like a following from Bob and Tom. I know. So it was kind of important. I think podcasts kind of killed it a little. Oh, yeah. But I do... But I do... I remember I did the next time and I told a story and I'm like, I know it's going to clean, but I'm like, they set me up for something and I couldn't think of a clean way to go with it. So I told a story about getting jacked off in a town car and I could just see them like... And then as I'm...

He went to break and he was like, that could have been a fine for 150 grand in every market or something like that for what you just said. And I'm like, how many markets? He's like 13. I'm like, yeah, I just cost you 2 million. That's what happened. That story cost you. Like, grow up. Right, right. Come on. They loved it. They love holding that power over the young nobody. That could have cost us 100. It was one of the things I'm like, all right, dude.

Man, you unloaded in a town car like Jay Williams. I didn't hit the driver. Thank God the partition was up. Are there any like cities you go to you're like, I really wish I could get on this show in the morning, but like,

That was one. There was something in Philly that was big. Preston and Steve. Preston and Steve. They're cool, though. They're cool. They're really cool. It's funny. I just watched it. It's always sunny in Philadelphia, and they're on it. What? The whole thing was like they won a prize to get to shoot a shot at the Flyers game. Yeah. So they call into them, and then they're there presenting it to them. It's a nice little Philly cameo. That's great. See, that's one thing. I know it's nostalgia, and I'm a boomer and all that shit, but like-

Podcasts are great. We're doing one right now. But there was something special about going to Chicago or Philly and being like, I'm on the fucking main thing in this town. Like, everybody listened to that Preston and Steve. I think it still does pretty well. Okay. It's almost like a Howard Stern in each city. Yeah, no, they're the guys. They're the guys. So it's pretty cool. And then...

Yeah, there's something about like I'm doing an appearance. That's kind of. Yes. Yes. It'd be nice if every podcast could do that. Like now I go to Nashville and I do Theo's pod. I do Nate Bargatze's pod. And then you go to this town. You're like, oh, this guy is living here now. It's kind of nice. Feels like the same shit.

Yeah. But they're almost, they're not that spread out. I mean, you go to Austin, you can do something. Yeah. But there's not one in like Sioux Falls, you know. Although that's where like radio probably still helps. Yeah, true. Those places, I don't know, maybe not. I think they still listen to the radio for sure. Yeah, some of those cities you're like, well, you're like 10 minutes behind, or 10 years behind, I mean. Yeah. So you're like, this will be...

Right. Well, you know what the radio is like? This is maybe as a stretch of an analogy. But like back when you were on Tinder and you're kind of like, who cares? No, thanks. Shut up. Get out of here. Fuck you. But if you met that girl at a bar, it might be exciting. And then you started flirting. And it's kind of like finding a song on the radio. You know, when you're on your iTunes, you're like, no, thanks. No, thanks. Whatever. But if you find a song on the radio, you're like, oh, this is kind of special.

Yeah, nowadays more people will hear about the girl in the bar than you on one of those morning shows. Yeah, good point, good point. But, yeah, I know what you mean. You know, you hear something on the radio that you've heard a million times, like, oh, shit, it's, uh, where am I at? What is it? Do you believe in love? You would skip that all day on Spotify. I know. But in the car alone at 2 a.m., you know, you're like, woo, this is fun. Yeah, it's fun. It's kind of like the fat chick. It's like similar to, like, uh...

- Channel surfing. - Yes, perfect analogy. - I'm like, I don't wanna watch The Office on a streamer anymore, I've seen it so many times, but then you catch it on Comedy Central and you're like, that's kinda fun, I don't know what episode. You forget, Pandora is like, that is kinda the excitement of flipping. I don't have cable at home anymore,

anymore. I just have like every streamer. But Flipping, there's something about Flipping. Chris Rock claims that the reason his special blew up was because they would play it on Comedy Central at like 2 a.m. and people would come home from the bar like, who's this guy? And then we got a new audience. Interesting. If you didn't have HBO. He also was on SNL. I mean, he was on a lot of stuff. True, true. But there were way less avenues. You know, there was no Netflix. That's true. Comedy Central was big back then. Big. I mean, it made Gaffigan.

It was like Beyond the Pale was like huge. God, isn't that crazy? Speaking of Comedy Central, did you watch the South Park COVID special? I did. Because you told me to. Okay. You mentioned to watch it. It was good. It was funny. I mean, they got 900 mil from Paramount Plus. I heard. Well, that includes a couple of movies. Ten movies, I think. Ten? Well, it's like an hour movie. Does this count as a movie? Yeah, I think so. Oh, okay. Okay, I see. It's funny. It was good. I thought it was really funny. Yeah, I mean...

It was, yeah, it was, I mean, it's all of them as adults. Oh, that's great. So it's like Cartman, the best part is that Cartman has become a rabbi. So he's got a Jewish wife and cute kids and like Kyle, he's being nice to Kyle now. He's like, I've changed. But Kyle's like, you did this to troll me. So he thinks his whole life is to troll Kyle and you're kind of just waiting for him to reveal that he is. Ah.

That's great. It's good. It's funny. Some of the COVID jokes, you're like, I've heard this. I've heard a bit like- What about Jimmy being the host of A Late Night? The woke? By the way, I had a bit about that. It's funny. Can you tell us your bit? Well, they do the whole joke with Jimmy. And I'm not saying it's like a super original bit, but it was in I Got This. It's from a couple of years ago. And his whole joke is he's like Jimmy Fallon in the future or Kimmel or whatever. He's Jimmy. It's A Late Night with Jimmy. Yeah.

And every joke just has a woke turn. He's like, how about these Mexicans? And then it would just be like, they're lovely people who have a wonderful and exciting culture. And hard workers. They're hard workers. That's every turn. And then it's just applause. And there's a pause. Yeah, applause. This is no joke. And my bit, I mean, it's not the same bit exactly, but I had a bit where it was like...

Would say you know, you know the best friend in the 80s It's a different bits kind of saying the same thing, but it was like, you know And I'm not accusing them of taking it at all. I'm not fucking saying that at all I know they're not that's not what they do. You want your 90 million. Don't you I want my 900 million No, but no my bit was uh, it was like, you know how in every sex comedy you have that sleazy best friend It's a different bit how every

best friend would be like, did you fuck her last night? Oh, you didn't? Loser. And my bit was like, in the future, they're going to have to make a, uh,

a woke best friend for these movies. Did you get laid last night? I was like, no, we just talked. And he's like, well, sometimes a conversation is even more fulfilling. So that's pretty cool. That was the bit. Yeah. So it's like, it's that same type of thinking, but it's not, you know. Hey, we might be drunk is brought to you by honey. The holidays are right around the corner. So save yourself the stress and find the best prices with the click of a button.

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Yeah, yeah. What I'm trying to say is I deserve that $900 million. No, I love those guys. I think they're really the best. They really are. They really are geniuses. They got grandfathered in that kind of couldn't get canceled. And they're animated. They're animated, but the fact that they started in the 90s and it's still the same show kind of helps to make them uncancellable. I mean, look, anyone being canceled over jokes is a fucking, it's a joke anyway. Sure, sure, yeah. I think Louie got nominated for a Grammy.

- For Grammy? - For Grammy, and Chappelle. - And Kevin Hart. - Oh my gosh. - And Nate Bargatze. - Yeah. - Fun fact. - And Jelaine Maxwell. But it's funny, I do hear people talking about her being like, she's canceled. I'm like, no, she broke the law. This is not cancel culture. Some of her friends are like, it's cancel culture. I'm like, she's on trial. This is not, there's a difference between. - Right, I'd like to hear her material. I hear it's about 15 years old. All right.

But yeah. Does she kind of do it for you? Or am I nuts? She's attractive. She's attractive. She's kind of sexy. And she's worldly and been everywhere. And she knows a lot. She's dined with the sultans. And yeah.

presidents and celebrities. - It's so funny, you're not wrong that she's like, look, she comes from royalty, she's come from tragedy as well, I think her father killed himself. - Oh, see, she's lived. - But it's so funny to describe her as worldly. - Yeah, she's worldly, man. - That's the best. - She's been all over the globe. - Young Jelaine was hot. - Yeah, I've never seen young. - I know she is right there. - I don't know, see, that's a pretty lady. If that was your friend's mom, you'd be like, hey, hey, you can put me on a massage table.

All right. Excuse me. That hot cocoa really bubbles up. Oh, yeah. Is that her with her? I think it must be her dad. Pretty solid. I was going to say it's the guy from Bar Rescue. It's John Taffer. It looks like him. Oh, I wonder what he'd say about her bar.

Yeah, she really, not a good person. Oh, Jon Taffer, that guy's the best. What a mug on that guy. He's like angry Brad Garrett. Ah, you nailed it. Woo!

He's ABG. Instead of Raymond, he's like, Raymond, you fucking piece of shit. I'm going to take your liquor license. This is a disgrace. I hear he's a great guy, Brad Garrett. That's what I've heard, too. I've heard he's an awesome dude. Owns a comedy club in Vegas. Sweet guy. Our buddy Michael Somerville works there a lot. Loves him, yeah. Brad Garrett looks like smart Michael Cohen.

Yeah, he does. He does look... He looks like intellectual Michael Cohen there with the scarf. I can't get them all at the same time. Yeah, Michael Cohen. That guy keeps... It's funny. I see him in a ranger's hat. It's funny when you see a guy like Michael Cohen rocking a ranger's hat. You feel like the rangers are like, can you not? Wait, what did he do? Oh, he was Trump's lawyer. Oh, okay. But he used like shady... He did a lot of shady... And then it's like, oh, he did a lot of shady shit for Trump, and now he's like the guy turning on Trump. It's like...

He definitely has the vibe of like, this is my movie and this is the last act where I've learned my lesson. Right. And I've done the right thing for my daughter. But you're like, yeah, but you're still kind of a scumbag though. Yeah. Totally. I think he was part of intimidating like Stormy Daniels and all sorts of witnesses. A lot of shady shit. Did you watch porn with her, by the way? I've never seen it. What?

I feel like you had to. It was for the good of the country. Just to stay informed? Yes, yes, exactly. I mean, also, it's fun seeing... She's attractive. Oh, yeah. It's fun seeing a lady in the news, and you're like, I get to see her...

do anal that is interesting it's kind of fun how does that happen not a lot not a big cnn uh doggy style crossover exactly unless they start filming anderson cooper am i right he's a vanderbilt no i mean look at that this is a quite a voluptuous lady here full-figured gal yeah so she i mean she was playing comedy clubs for a while i know that really brought us down a peg

I just hate when these guys fall into comedy as some kind of last-ditch effort. It is annoying. I get that you want to cash in, but does this have to be the same place that we're working? We worked a really long time to get good at this, so there is something that's a bummer about it. And I don't even knock her, because she's like, I'll make 20 grand to do a night or to do an hour or whatever, but like...

It's the people go see. I'm like, who is going to see Stormy Daniels do people? Yeah. Well, it's people that think it's a funny idea. And then they get there and probably five minutes and are like, what did we just waste our money on?

I think so. Because these are hardworking people. I think the president is thinking the same thing. Like, 165 grand for a rate baiter. That was for you to not talk. I got a receipt. Right. You know, Trump is kind of like, that was, I did pay you. Yeah. He didn't get the money back, I'm sure, did he? I wonder if he did a, what is it, NDA. I think that's what it was. Oh. Yeah, yeah. It's a payout. Well, she talked. Mm-hmm.

So he could sue? Yeah. Interesting. It's funny. Remember, we had a president who was like, ah, I fucked this porn star. It was a big mistake. What was I thinking? She was a trashy whore anyway. And you're like, wow, president. Yeah. And he got away with it. Yeah.

Well, he's off Twitter. Yeah, he's off Facebook too. So Jack Dorsey stepped down. I heard. I think this might be the shift for President Trump to come back on Twitter. Well, we'll see. We'll see. I mean, I'm sure he said he's going to stay a board member for a period. And I'm sure he's going to have him. But like these people that step down.

it's usually like, I don't want to deal with this. - I'm sick of being the poster boy. - Part of the fun of being a billionaire is being a billionaire, so you're kind of like, is this fun? - Yeah. - Always being in trouble. You look at Zuckerberg and you're like, Senate hearing, you have to talk before Congress or some shit like that. Is that fun? - Well, I'm ignorant. Does Twitter make a dime?

- Can it make any, how? - Ads? - I don't see ads on my Twitter. - There are ads, there's a lot of promoted stuff. - Really? - Yeah, are you kidding me? Would you ever see a thing where it just says promoted? - Also, they sell your information. - Yeah. No, all these apps make money. - I take it all back. - They don't make money. - Ignorant. - No, he's worth a ton of money. - And they're stocked over $50,000. - Look up his net worth, I'm sure it's-- - Okay, now we're getting somewhere.

It's gotta be a hellish job. He's also one of the only billionaires with a nose ring. Ooh. Not a lot of them. He's only worth $11.8 billion. Wow, and he can't afford a razor. Jesus. He's a handsome guy, though. He's one of my favorite members of ZZ Top, for sure. He was great in 300.

- Holy hell. - Did you guys watch the last episode of Succession? - I did, yeah. - Wow, it was kinda Duck Dynasty-ish. - I don't wanna spoil it, but it was a really good episode. - Yeah. - Great episode. - The birthday? - Yeah, the birthday one. - That's a good show. - So good. Kendall is so cringey. Roman was confident, which is fun to watch. - I think Tom is my favorite character. - Tom's great. - 100%. - That guy's an incredible actor. - I got a dick like a sequoia and I fuck like a bullet train.

Sorry. I mean, Brian Cox. I mean, they're all great. The whole show is great, but goddamn.

So good. I love that. Well, I don't want to spoil it. I was going to say something too revealing of the plot. Succession fucking rules. Only two episodes left. Yeah. Damn. Curb's been fun too. Curb. I've been saving. I need something to save to just go through. So I've not watched Curb yet. This season's been great. It's like a return to the old style. Good. Oh, yeah. It's fun. He's the best. I got a wreck. Hit me. Because this is a little old. You might have to do some Googling here.

But I took a flight to New Orleans. I had the TV. I didn't download any podcasts, so I had to stick with the movies. Love it. I go, what is this movie with Hugh Jackman? I'll give it a shot. Here we go. Blah, blah, blue. It's a three-hour flight. It's a two-and-a-half-hour movie. Prisoners! I hear it's Dennis Villanueva, director, right? Yes! Unbelievable! I was in tears in the aisle seat.

I hear it's great. Unbelievable. It's a little long, but I mean, it twists, it turns. You think it's this guy, it turns out to be that guy. Paul Dano's amazing. Who's going to be the Riddler? What? Paul Dano's going to be the Riddler. Oh, there you go. That works. Yeah. That's a good choice. We're doing another Batman, huh? I didn't even know that. It's crazy. Is it Bale? No, it's Robert Pattinson. Ah.

Jeez, it never ends. But you love this movie. Unbelievable. I showed it to the lady. She was like, this is one of the best movies I've ever seen. It's well shot. Wait, you watched it again? I made her watch it. I didn't watch it with her, not all the way. But I was like, you got to see this because this is true crime-y, suspense-y. It's right up her anal. And it delivered twice.

Yeah, Jackman's great. Jake Gyllenhaal has a crazy filmography for his age. He's in so many good movies. Oh, yeah. It's kind of crazy. When you look at it, you're like, man, his batting average is like... He's like Wade Boggs. He's just fucking on base every time. Zodiac. I just watched a movie with him that Vitor made me watch. It was about the one where they're on a train. Ooh. I forgot the name of it. It was good. It was like a thriller. It was with...

Really good actress, Michelle Monaghan is in it. Get off my train. Wrong movie. Brokeback. Oh, yeah. Nightcrawler was good. Donnie Darko was good. Donnie Darko. Dude, Baden Average is crazy high. I never thought about it. Boy in the Bubble took him down a notch. Oh, yeah. But that was early on. October Sky, I didn't see that. Wait, what else? That was good.

What are you saying? Can you make it bigger? Oh, I'm sorry. He's in a lot of movies. Inside Amy Schumer. Oh, that's a great sketch. Really? Oh, yeah. They're like on a blind date. It's funny. And they have ferrets. It's funny as shit. Ferrets? It's really funny. Southpaw. Oh, yeah. He was a boxer in Southpaw. That's good. Enemy. You loved End of Watch. I didn't see that. End of Watch is great. You love that movie. Great cop movie. Yeah. Okay.

He's in a lot of shit I've never heard of. Jarhead is okay. Sam Mendes. He's a great director. Yeah. Although, if you rewatch American Beauty, it doesn't really hold up. I've heard that. It's a little...

Cartoonie. Annette Bening was so hot in that movie. Oh, did she get plowed, huh? By Peter Gallagher. Yeah, dude. I got a good movie rec for you. All right, hit me. And look, I've gotten tweets from you guys being like, how the hell was Sam not on the Criterion channel? I don't know. I don't know how it's eluded me. I really don't know, but I've watched some great ones. My rec is fucking just the director, Billy Wilder.

Any Billy Wilder movie, you will be happy. I mean, Double Indemnity is like my favorite noir ever probably, but I've obviously seen that.

Watched two in the last week that I'd never seen it. What? The original Sabrina with Humphrey Bogart. It's a rom-com. It's fucking great dialogue. It's really fun, dude. He did Sunset Boulevard. He did. He's a fucking master. And then Some Like It Hot, which is also a great comedy. Oh, The Apartment. I mean, this guy's... Who's more consistent than Billy Wilder? It's crazy. Is he American?

I think he is, but I think he spent time in Germany at least, at the very least. He worked for a newspaper, which leads to what my, the record that I watched was,

Ace in the Hole. Ace in the Hole. Kirk Douglas. The movie is basically about a guy who's a sleazy journalist. It's so timely, dude. Yeah, right? He's a sleazy journalist who basically opens by being like, I've been fired from this place, I've been fired from this place, and you're like, great dialogue out of the gate. One of them's like, do you drink a lot? He goes, no, but I drink frequently. Just great dialogue. Oh, nice. And basically he passes this guy who's stuck in,

in a cave and they can't get him out and he kind of orchestrates a way that the guy will stay stuck in the cave to turn it into a story and he gets the rights to tell the whole story because he knows and there's great dialogue in it where there's like shit like um

you know, he's with a younger guy who's kind of his protege and he's like, what about like if it was more people in the cave? And he goes, don't you understand human interest? It's one person that people care about because they want to get to know that person. And he's explaining why this is such a juicy story. Interesting. And he turns it into a whole phenomenon that, and it's just,

The ugliness of the story. Yes. It's incredible. Highest recommendation. What's the name again, please? Ace in the Hole. Ace in the Hole. And it's a Billy Wilder. But you can't go wrong with any of these Billy Wilders, man. I mean, you said it. Sunset Boulevard. Yeah. Come on. Something like it hot was a...

Yeah, he's a master. Yeah. All right, I'm in. I love it. Billy Wilder, good call. Real cinema. Real director here. Born in Austria-Hungary. Right, okay. Yeah, so he came over. I think he was a journalist in Germany, I believe. So I think that was part of maybe where he got the idea for this. Yes. What is that one with Matthau and Lemon? What is that one? Lower, lower, lower. Right there. Front page? No, next to it.

The Fortune Cookie. I've never heard of that. Yeah. Those two in it. Oh, my God. Have you ever seen Stalag 17? I didn't know he made it. No, it's on there, too. It's amazing. Yeah. It's about a war camp. It's a war movie, right? Yeah, they're in a war camp. That's great. It's great. Great twists. Damn, he did comedy and drama. That's what's kind of incredible about him. Yeah. All right. Died in 2002. Wow. How old was he? 95. It's a good run. I mean, yeah. He saw 9-11. He hated Raymond Chandler.

He saw 9-11. I know, that's amazing. He was on the plane. No, he...

He and Raymond Chandler hated each other. They had beef, I remember. They worked on Double Indemnity together. And I think Chandler, he was like, this guy's a fucking drunk who doesn't know how to write movies. He's got dialogue. So they just were like this. They wouldn't talk to each other afterwards. I think they won an Oscar for it, though. There you go. I love those movie on-set beefs where the writer and the director are fighting. Yeah, dude. You don't see that much anymore. Uh-oh, Salacuse is a gift. It's my wreck.

- Oh, Sally baby, let it ride. Uh oh. - It's also a gift for this dude. - Wait a minute, wait a minute. You know it's gonna be something pretentious if it's from Sally. - The red balloon. - Wow. - Dustin Hoffman. - Tear this. - Lenny, wow. - Oh, the acting is amazing. - Yeah. - I think he was nominated for this. - I believe so. He got nominated for everything, right? 60s, 70s, he was always nominated.

That's a great pose. This must have cost you $100. $20. All right. Even better. That's pretty cool, man. Look at that. Isn't that a beauty? That's pretty dope. What a great photo, too. That's almost too big to put up. No, we can get it. We'll find a place. You can put it on the back of the door. I love it. Yeah. Lenny Bruce. It's also my recommendation for the movie to watch.

Good call. Good call. It's a good movie. It is a good movie. I haven't seen it in years. All right, let me give you a peeve. Hit me. And stop me if I've given you the thank you. This is very nice. I want to put it in my house. I hope I haven't done this one before, but we're all tied down, you know? Three ladies amongst us. You ever get this one? The we when she means you.

You know, like, we need to change the garbage. And before I know it, I'm like, oh, yeah. I'm, like, tying it up. I'm pulling it. I'm like, what do you mean, we? You mean you. She said, we need to get off our period. Boom. Yeah. Dan Bolger had a great bit about it. He's like, she's like, we need to do this. He's like, no, no. You don't.

No, she goes, you need to do this. He goes, we have herpes. Something like that. I pushed it. That's great. But I hate the we. Well, we need new sheets, which means you should get some new sheets. Right. She's giving you orders in a way that's just, she's disguising orders. Disguising orders. Yeah. And now I do the move where I go, yeah, yeah, get on that.

Hitler used to do this, he says, "We need to get you into a concentration camp." - Yeah. - What do we have to do today to get you? - We need to see your papers. - No, we, you know, I'm with you, man. - Hate the we. - This is a classic girl thing. - Just say, somebody's gotta change the garbage. But it's also like, oh, you want the garbage? Just change it. What is this, what are you putting it out in the world for? If you wanna change it, change it. That's how I would do it. - Why don't you just say, hey, do you mind changing the garbage? - Or that, or that. - 'Cause we just want the honesty. - Yes, just give it to me straight, sister.

We need to clean the litter out, the cat litter. Like, now I know it's about you. I shit in the cat like I drink. I shit in the sand, which I'm sure it's fun. You ever heard that old Clooney story? What? Oh, man, he was living with some guy back when he was broke, and...

I think it was a goof, he took a shit in the litter box, like a big, fat, smelly human shit, and the guy came home and was like, "Jesus Christ, this cat," and they put it down. What? Give it a goog, I'm butchering. Jesus Christ. It's a famous Clooney's cat story. This guy should worry less about Darfur and more about cat fur, am I right? Yeah, was he a Darfur guy? Yeah, that was his cause. Oh shit. Now he's got an accomplished wife.

Yeah, I'm all. I'm all. I'm all out of love. I like that the picture is him looking very dignified in a beard. George Clooney won shit in a cat tray. There it is. Oh, I can't believe he found it. The Toronto Sun is out of news. I bet it's the only Academy Award winner to shit in a litter box. Uh-huh. Unless Garfield won one. Am I wrong? The tale of twin kitties.

The Tale of Two Kitties. All right, give me the punchline of that because it's a hell of a story. You might have to do a little reading there, Fanny. But it's a killer story. And it's fun knowing this guy's an Academy Award winner. He's helping Darfur. He's plowing an established lady. And he's still shitting in a box. He's got a new thing coming out with Affleck and Matt Damon. Oh, really? Yeah. Hmm.

Well, he also sold a tequila, which we're trying to do. Yeah, we got to get that. Fat Cat's still in the works, folks. Legal mumbo jumbo. But Fat Cat's coming. Make sure to email us, too. We might be drunkpod at gmail.com and sign up for that Patreon. We got a lot of shit coming your way. Oh, yeah. You better believe it. And send us anything. Gotham Studios, 39 West 38th Street, New York, New York, whatever the hell the zip code is.

And you'll find it on the web. Now, what do you got for a bit? I got a couple ideas. Let me try this one on. All righty. I wrote one down. Hit me one more time. When I argue with my girlfriend, there's the idea. It's kind of like a bad action movie. Like each one is over two hours. There's lots of explosions. By the end, you're like, what was the point of that?

You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. So it's like, then she'll revisit the fight in a year. That's the sequel. Women aren't reopening old fights. They're trying to build a franchise. Yes. Right? I call it the slow and the furious. Ah, I was just thinking fast and the furious. Is there something there? Yeah, I like that. I would say blow up instead of explosion. Because there's no explosion in here. Because a fight is a blow up. We had a blow up. Exactly. And I might say, and it was a...

Two hours, I'll never get back. There's a big blow up. Ooh, that's good. That's what people say after a bad movie. There's two hours, I'll never get back. Yeah, there's a big blow up. That's good. There's something there. I love a good analogy with a rule of threes. That's good stuff. There's two hours, I'll never get back. Trying to think of more. And I like the fast and the furious. Kind of sounds like you in the bedroom. I'm finished too fast. She's furious. All right. Yeah, there's something about bad movies. Yeah, and you're just kind of like... Terminator...

- Yeah, yeah. - And then maybe there's something about like, this was your idea. - Oh yeah. - That's what you do when someone picks a bad movie. - Yeah. - What's the equivalent of a chick flick, like you're getting back together, you have to watch one of her movies now. - Yeah, there's something about like-- - Yeah, you're fighting as an action movie, she wants to live more like a rom-com, and you're trying to get into a porn at the end. - Oh, there we go. - Something like that, you know. Movie, movie, movie. - Yeah, it's a movie, yeah. So now it's like, now we have to, yeah. - Ooh, and maybe the therapist is the critic.

He's like the movie critic, you know, going like, well, you know, you made some mistakes here or whatever. I don't know. There's something about like, yeah, then we got to make it work. Trying to think about how to... There's something. I'll noodle with this. What do you got? Well, the funny thing too is... Well, now I'm going too deep into it. Damn. Yeah. All right. All right. I like this. The director. Trying to think of director. Could have read the CliffsNotes. All right. All right. Hold on. What do you got? The book was better. Yeah.

Okay, here we go. Pulling up my bit. Now, is this too stupid? So I have a cat, and a lot of people will shit on cats around me, not knowing I have a cat. George Clooney. Oh, I'm sorry, Sandy.

and they'll shit on cats and it almost feels like i'm dating a minority and they don't know it and so we'll be at a bar and they're like okay i hate cats i don't trust them they're the worst and i'm kind of like i live with one you know that's a great line i live with one i have to let them know eventually like well you know it's like they're they don't trust them they're racist or whatever um

Like, you know, Victor Varnado, who is a funny comic, he's an albino. Yeah. And he always said people would say the N-word around him because they didn't know he was black. Wow. And so he would just have to live with that or, like, fight the guy or whatever it was. And that's kind of how – I'm not comparing, but I just feel like people shit on cats. I'm, like, sitting here, like, I live with a cat, you fucker. I live with one because it sounds so defensive. Like –

Yeah. I mean, the idea that like, I mean, my mind goes to like people have said anti-Semitic shit to me and be like, oh, you're a Jew. Right. Perfect example. Yeah. Like I'm a Jew. But it's funny about like. And they dial back or they pull back like, oh, I didn't know you had one. I don't mean all cats. You know, it just sounds like they're they're backpedaling. But you know what? It's funny. Maybe if they don't. It's like with it, with race, they usually apologize with catcher. Like, yeah, I don't know what to tell you.

I don't like them. I'm a dog person. I'm a dog person. And dogs are kind of like white people. Everybody likes them. People like cats, they don't do anything. They sit around all day. Not Asians. Yeah, good point. Here's what's interesting is like, why do we do that with pets? We don't do that with humans. You're like, do you like blacks? I'm a Filipino person. You know what I mean? Why do you have to choose cats or dogs? I love them. I like them both. Why can't you like them both? Good point.

Why do we, it was like, why like this instead? Yeah. And they talk about it like a race. Like I didn't grow up with them. Maybe aliens would do that with humans. They're just like, do you like blind people? Like, no, I'm more of a white guy. That's the pets they have. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. It feels like there's something here. Also black cat is like spooky. You know, there's all kinds of weird parallels. I've never heard anybody say they hate dogs. Yeah. Usually when people say I hate dogs, it's like, I don't like animals. So you're right. It's like the,

I hear people are afraid of dogs. That could be hate dogs. True, true. And that trumps hate, fear, hate. Trumps hate. People have a hate, a visceral hatred for cats. Yeah. People fucking hate cats. Some people love cats. Mostly down south. They split the room. I think the one thing is like, the way it's different from race is like, there's no race of people that makes you get hives.

Like people are allergic to cats. Oh, right, right. You break out. Yeah, you're like, fuck. You're like, oh, geez, do you have an Asian here? Do you have any Benadryl? Yeah, that would be really racist if your body was physically couldn't be around Asians. You know what I'm thinking? I don't know. Yeah, yeah. I just think there's a parallel with minority and cats. The line I like the best right now is... I live with one. I live with one. Like you getting offended is hilarious to me. Yes, exactly.

Yeah, people hate cats. They're open about cats, hating them. Dogs are happy-go-lucky, fun. Can I ask you about a bit of yours? I saw a clip of one of your bits. It was the shooting Jeff Bezos into space. Oh, yeah, yeah. I really think there's something there. Really? How did it go? I don't remember. It was something about how, like, oh, how... This bit was something like how he keeps going into space, and they were like, what they should have done is...

Um...

They should shoot him. They should put him on a rock and just tell him to send him to Mars, but just send it to Afghanistan. This is like at the height of the Afghanistan thing. And he gets off and he's like, holy shit, like Martians are so primitive, you know, they're just throwing that. But then I think the turn was like, but then he would start Amazon in Afghanistan and treat his workers horrible. And then he would find out that his harsh treatment would still be better than how Afghanis treat women. That was the turn. Yes, that's good.

But it's a long way to go. I might have to just shorten it. Like maybe the angle is more like we talk about how Bezos like pregnant women in the factory, but then you're like, then they're like, you know, ISIS. Or, you know, they're like, well, we already do that. The Taliban's like, we already do that. Right, right. We already treat women that way. He's like our villain. I think it's really clever. I don't know if there's anything there. I think he's overrating the bit. I think it's like a meh, you know? Ah.

Maybe something about how we can't get people out of Afghanistan, but if we boxed them up, I feel like we can get them the next day. Like delivery? Too harsh? Overnight? Overnight! Maybe Bezos' next line. I would think more like Mexico. He's a coyote.

He gets people here in his boxes. Yeah. And it's also weird that we can't get Afghanis here, but yet we can get to space. You know? That's wild, yeah. Were you telling me something about Kim Kardashian getting Afghanis here? Yeah, give it a go. What's that story? She sent a jumbo jet to Afghanistan and saved a bunch of people. It's interesting, too. It's like to be like, because you got to be kind of ballsy to like underpay your workers. Yeah. And show up in a nice car. Bezos underpays his employees and went to space.

Right. That's crazy. That's true. Kim Kardashian, a rabbi, helped Afghan teenage girls soccer players get safely to Britain. There you go. See, she gets a bad rap. Oh, she couldn't pass the bar. One hundred and thirty people, including 30 teenage players. Look at that. One hundred and thirty. Yes. Pretty good. If I was a billionaire, I mean, I say this, but I would be doing this kind of shit. It'd be fun.

I mean, a rabbi. A rabbi was the other person. Who's the rabbi? He doesn't even get a shout out? Yeah. All right. Let's plug some dates. All right. All right. I'd like to play some music underneath you talking. Oh, please. Oh, I sent you this song. Yeah. This is great winter music. Yeah. I like a little Ben Webster. Great saxophonist. All right. Do your dates. Isn't that nice?

I'm just going to leave this on in my apartment. This is perfect. Winter, it's Christmassy. Oh, I bought a tree. You buy a tree yet? Taylor bought one. That's the best feeling. You get the mini one? We bought one, yeah. We bought a tree. We bought a zoo. All right.

Did you get a big middle? She bought two. Two? Yeah. That's a little rubbing in the face on the Jew, right? It is. She got a menorah, too. All right, all right. Well, we bought a menorah. She got two, and it was funny. She tried to play off. She's like, that's how much I love Christmas. I bought two. I was like, are you kidding?

You could have just had one, though. She's like, I can't. I don't know how to cancel the delivery. So she played it off like she was like, that's how I know Christmas. I'm like, no, you made a mistake. Yeah, don't do that with the adoption agency. Jesus. I couldn't send it back. What do you got? I got Charlotte Comedy Zone. I think I'm nipping at your heels over there. I'm at the Buckhead Theater in Atlanta. About to sell out. Hopefully we can add a show there. It's a big room.

Syracuse Funny Bone, Milwaukee Improv, Toronto at the Dark Comedy Festival. Those dates are wrong. Kansas City Improv. Got all kinds of fun dates coming up. Go to marknormancomedy.com. This comes out the 12th, right, Matt? Okay, so I got...

I got Dallas this weekend, Addison Improv. I got in January, I'm going to add more if I can, but right now I've got Richmond, January 20th through 22nd. I've got McGubies in Timonium, Maryland, the 27th through 29th. And then February, Hartford and Sacramento. ♪

and more coming as well as big one coming. New York City, if you're listening, Beacon Theater in May. That should be on sale tomorrow. So I hope you come out.

Beacon, baby. Holy shit. Big deal. So I hope you guys show out for that because that's like New York City kid. Very big deal. Very excited about that one. So I hope everyone. I mean, that's a milestone. Yeah, I'm excited. So please come out. I'd love to sell it out. Holy hell. Beacon, May 7th. I'm a little nervous now. I'm intimidated. Why? I can't hang out with you anymore. You can do it. You can do it. I can't do it. Yeah, you could. I can't.

Maybe I'll pop by. Pop by. Can I be in the green room? Is that weird? I'd be honored. All right. All right. Wow. Beacon. Paul Simon. Jerry Seinfeld. Sam Morrill. Oh, yeah. Well, make sure we sell it out first. Honored. If you guys will buy tickets, I believe it goes on sale tomorrow. Holy. What is that? 3,200 seats? I think it's 2,900. Okay. Yeah. All right. You got that.

29, baby. Hey, you've sold out eight Carolines in a row. Grand receipt theater. Oh, Gotham. Sorry. Yeah, but no, I hope you guys come out. And this fucking song is great. I love it. So good. Ben Webster. If you guys haven't listened to Ben Webster, you'll love him. He's incredible. That's all. That is some good tunes. Thank you, everybody. We love you. Keep drinking. Happy holidays. Happy holidays. Happy holidays. Happy holidays.

so

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