Ep 51: The Musical
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We might be drunk, we might be drunk As long as we are hanging out, you know we might be drunk Raise a glass, let's talk shit Pep heaps, wrecks and a bit, maybe drunk We might be drunk, yeah

Here we are. We might be drunk. We're back. We're off the road. We're in Manhattan. It's holiday season. Woo wee. What are we drinking today? We got some gin and tonics. There you go.

All right. The bear Jew transitioned fully. Not really a cold weather drink, but what the hell? What the hell? It's nice in here. You know what these, thank you, Internal Affairs. It's great. What's great about these is you have them while you're waiting for the family. You know, when the food's cooking, you throw a few of these in. Yeah. And you can handle your aunt. I love a gin and tonic. Oh, yeah.

I prefer like the soda. The sugar just, you don't think of tonic as having sugar. I know. But it's got sugar. I just don't like the sugar. You just feel gross. Yeah. The poison I can do. It's the sugar. You don't taste it either. Isn't that weird when there's sugar in something and you don't taste sugary? Yeah. It's a waste. It's a waste, yeah. Yeah, what I'm getting the calories and none of the sweet. Yeah, it's like when you find out you're like Fig Newton's and you're like, not even that healthy. I know. Remember Snackwell's? Oh.

Pull up Snackwells. Oh, you got the Malamars. I'm pulling up Malamars. Don't get me started on devil's food bullshit, all that shit. Was it Snackwells? Malamars. Here's my issue with Malamars. There's too much going on. Pick a lane. You got the marshmallow, the graham cracker crust, and the, is that graham cracker? What is it? It's just a cookie. Cookie crust. Cookie crust. They're good. It's not my go-to. I'm a simple man. I didn't realize until just this moment, but that's a s'more.

No, Samora's a comedian. She's a black lady comedian. Remember Geraldo's gross joke on her? He goes, when it comes to comedy shows, we could use some less. Oh, that was great. I actually opened for her once at Caroline. Did you? She was great, yeah. Yeah, she seems cool. Super cool. I mean, she's been through the ringer. Yeah. All those older black comics are like seasoned. Yeah. And, you know, much like... Well, those black shows when you're coming up are like...

Sorry. I go by Old Bay. No, those black shows. I remember Mike Lawrence and I used to go to Mocha's Lounge. Oh, yeah. Remember that? I went to a few of those with Smokey. Smokey. Yeah, he was cool. Super cool. Super funny. And you see these guys up in these Harlem rooms and you're like, you guys are all amazing, but you'll never make it. Yeah.

You know, you're all like 64, you're smoking on stage, you're killing. You've got a cane. You've got a cane, you've got diabetes, you're calling the lady in the front row a hoe. Murdering, and they're all brilliant and hilarious, but they're just stuck in Harlem. Sad. It's a fun room, though. And I remember watching Lawrence just do like comic book references that they're just like, what? What?

We don't fucking watch this shit. That motherfucker's an Aquaman. But then, you know, I remember I had one joke kill in there that was just like filled. I mean, it gave you confidence. You're like, it's a different type of crab. Oh, yeah. It's Coliseum. It's either this or this. You know, there's not much in the middle. Either crushed or they booed you. They smell fear. You're dead. Oh.

Oh, yeah. And you got to try not to do the token white guy because that's what your brain's like. Just get out. Just do the token white guy. It's easy. They'll love it. But you got to be you. Yeah. First time I went full token. Really? Yeah. I was scared. And they played some like two chains to bring me up. And I was like, two chains? Why not one? And they're like, ah, this motherfucker corny. You know, just had to play ball, you know.

Corny is like the highest praise from a black crowd. No. What's the highest praise? No. Highest praise is you crazy. Or you're stupid. Stupid. Stupid. All insults. I know. Stupid is big. You're like, you moron. You're like, little dick. You're like, all right, cut it out.

We love you. No, no, you're stupid. That's stupid. While they're laughing is good. Oh, he's stupid. Yeah, that's good. Or, yeah, what else is good? Crazy's good. Crazy's good. Yeah, he don't play. I don't know. Well, that was the Martin Lawrence special. You so crazy. That's right. That's right. Yeah, yeah. Also a Richard Pryor special.

Oh, and that N-word's crazy. Yeah. That's tough asking for the record. I know. I know. I don't want to. I have some records at home that I want to put up, and I'm like, I can't put a bicentennial N-word on my wall. You can't. Oh, I got that. That's on my wall. Really? Yeah, right next to Cosby and then Woody Allen. I got an Epstein record up there. He did a Christmas album. I forgot. Jelaine's Greatest Hits, my favorite. The 12 Kids of Christmas. All right. All right.

Yeah, man. I don't... I mean, we can try them. I'm not... I've never had one. Maybe I'll be wrong. I haven't had them forever because I'm a simple man. I like like a Lorna Dune. I want a shortbread cookie with my coffee. Lorna Dune? What's that? Sounds like a writer for the Times. Shortbread cookie, yeah. Lorna Dune. Who's Lorna Dune? Have you read Lorna Dune's review on the symphony? It sounds like a women's mystery writer. Yeah, yeah. The Lorna Dune.

What is a Lorna Doon? It's that little thing. Oh, yeah. I've seen those. Those are good cookies, man. I don't know. Just that box looks like my grandma's house. I wouldn't walk right past that. I thought you were going to say your grandma's box. No, that's a lot dustier. But, oh, hey, thank you. Wow, these are beautiful. Yeah. I thought it looks like a macaroon. Yes. Which sounds like a racial slur, by the way.

Couple of macaroons. I remember your old bit about how every Chinese restaurant, the names just sound like a slur. Yes. You goddamn golden noodles. Yeah. All the other ones. Let's see. Panda King. Panda King was the big one. Yeah, that was like my first big bit in New York. It is good. Oh, crunch. That was wrong. The shell, the candy shell. I'll give it to you. Take the big man. Take the big man. I'll tell you, big man really seems to get it. Everybody drink. Oh, my God.

This is pretty good. Oh, wow. That's great. It's just very rich. First few bites are good, but how many of these can you eat? I guess that's good. They're only available November to January. You can't get them. It's like the McRib of candy. Is that true? Yeah, yeah. They shut it down. Why did they shut it down? I don't know. Maybe it's too rich. Maybe it's a marketing thing. They know you'll buy it more if it's special. Yeah. They got me. Yeah. What? They got me. Yeah, they got you. These are great. You know what's great about it? There's a lot going on.

But they make it work. They keep it in line. Now, the secret is to freeze them. Oh, boy. Yeah, that's a real treat. All right. Yeah, that sounds good. Yeah, freezing candy like Charleston Chew Frozen, pretty good. I think I brought that up before. I don't like hard food, so I'm not into freezing. Yeah, you don't freeze ever? No, I don't freeze.

No freeze. I'm anti-freeze. Hey, how about the fridge? Will you do the fridge? I'll do fridge, but freezer just makes things hard. I can't have a crouton. I can't have a Biscoff. Yeah. And the candy, to me, that's a perfect candy. I'm not going to ruin it with making it hard.

Yeah, I wonder if the people who are in charge, I'm sure they don't care, but maybe there's like some, you know, Malamar purists out there who are like, you don't freeze it. Right? That's not how you consume the Malamar. Yes. Now, there is a bar called Frozen. You ever had one of those? Uh-uh. No, no, it's called a Zero. Oh, we brought this up two weeks ago. Oh, sorry, sorry. I don't remember. Zero is meant to be frozen because like zero degrees. Oh. How about those ice cream candy bars? You get like a Twix or Snickers ice cream bar. Oh.

Or a Choco Taco. Those are so good that you feel guilty eating them, you know? Yeah, I've never gotten one of those not high, I don't think. That is like a high person's... That's what you crave. That's so true. The Twix ice cream bars. Oh, I don't know. Snickers is hard to beat, but... Oh, shit, I had a point. Damn it. Oh, Paul F. Tompkins used to have this great bit. He's like, what's better, cake or pie? And everybody's yelling, cake, pie, pie. He goes...

Cake is better because it has frosting. And when you eat frosting, you feel shame. That's how good it is. It was a great bit. I remember that bit. It was like a long bit. Long bit. He could really milk. Yeah, he was good. Gross. So good. His first album, Impersonal. Give that a whirl. Yeah, he could really milk like a prostitute as well. Yeah.

What a... Yeah, Malamar's. These are pretty good, Matt. I got to give it to you. And I feel like I wouldn't have like 10 of these, which is nice. Like I have Oreos. I mean the whole box. Oh, yeah. Oreos are fucking good. And now they have too many flavors. They're getting carried away. I do like that double stuff, though. Double stuff is... I mean, that's... You know what we like. Yes. And you gave it to us. Yes, exactly. Exactly. I like the blonde one, though, too. I like the... Not the blonde. Yeah, I like the... Maybe it's not called the blonde. Maybe it's just called the honky. I don't know what it's called, but...

I prefer the interracial, the original, black and white. It's pretty good, but dude, I like the, and something about an Oreo that's pretty classic. Yeah, I agree. Now, let me ask you this. Tomorrow is Hanukkah, or the first day. No, it is. It's Hanukkah. It's day six. Oh, we're already on day six? Yeah. Wow, it flew by. Yeah.

Do you do stuff? Do you get a gift every day? Do you give a gift? What are we doing? Do you circumcise? I don't know. Everything's gotten weird. It's like, how many things are we going to do? I mean... It's a lot of things. I want to get my folks something. But yeah, I mean...

I don't know. I remember Atel used to have a bit about how my family was cheap. They'd be like, night one, you get a bike handlebars. Yeah, and then it builds to a bike. Builds to a bike. That's great. Yeah, I mean, it was like...

Everyone says like Hanukkah is better because not everyone. There's a few Jews. I don't think everyone's saying Hanukkah is better. That came out wrong. A few proud boys. Disagree. A few proud boys. Like, actually, Hanukkah is pretty cool. God is there. No, you get eight crazy nights. So that's the whole thing. But then it's like the truth is they kind of it's usually one cool thing and a bunch of like guys like on night one, Hanukkah chocolates. Right. Yeah.

And you're just like, all right. Socks, shit that you love as an adult, but as a kid, you're just like, I mean, as an adult, socks are, you guys want those socks I got you, right? Yeah, as an adult, it's fine. But as a kid, socks. As a kid, it's brutal. It's like vegetables. You appreciate it as an adult. Well said. The sock is the vegetable of gifts. Yeah. You don't get it till later. Yeah, that's good. Yeah, I don't know. And Terry Shivo is the vegetable of people. Oh, man. Yes. Yes.

Whatever happened to her? I don't think it ended well. Ah, they pulled the plug? Yeah. Oh, good. Well, you know, she went peacefully. I don't know. I think that looks rough. Was there... I think there's like a nine-year fight between her parents and her husband. The husband said, pull the plug. Parents said no. Oh, wow. It's also a great... It's a great symbol for that. This country can't agree on anything. I know. I know. That was Kyle Rittenhouse of its day. That's what it was.

And then what's up with Kevorkian? Remember that guy? Oh, Dr. Death. Dr. Death. That guy was the king. I mean, is it wrong? What do you think? Let's have a debate. I mean, I went to him with strep and he said I should kill myself. I thought that was rough.

You're like, I got to zit. He's like, do it. End it. Put the gun down, doctor. Jesus. Yeah, I mean, people wanted to die and he helped them. I don't know. Some could say he's a hero. Yeah. Pacino played him in a movie. Oh, yeah. I'm killing people. Oh, yeah. She was a whore.

Grab the patient's face. You broke my heart. I knew it was you. So Sam, as a New York Jew, how do you spell Hanukkah? What's the proper? I go with the H, the classic, but people do the CH. Who does that? Israelis do CH? I don't know. American Jews do H? I don't even know the difference. I don't know the difference either, but I will tell you, I go H.

Why are we confusing people here? Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I only celebrate Juneteenth. Mark's a Kwanzaa man. Yes. The celebration of lights. No idea what Kwanzaa is. Hanukkah's fun. I mean, Sandler made me feel like cool to be a Jew as a kid. There weren't like a lot of those. But the Hanukkah song, you're like, all right. Sandler really kind of helped that. He really did. He put it on the map. Woody Allen. Woody Allen.

As a kid, I liked. But he wasn't cool. Sandler was like a cool Jew. Yes, he was. He was cute and funny. And he listed. That's how far off Jews were. He had to list Jews to be like, look, you like us. You know, he had to be like, Paul Newman's half. Yeah. It was a great song. Yeah, Paul Newman's half Jewish. Goldie Hawn's half Jew. Put them together. What a fine looking Jew. Fine looking Jew. Ha.

That was classic, dude. Yeah. He's like, oh, sorry. As a non-Jew in Louisiana, I heard that song and I was like, this is great. And it was informative. I didn't know about any of that shit.

Yeah, it was great. I mean, look, we got some, you know, Mari Stoudemire from the New York Knicks. He converted. Whoa. Yeah. We got some cool people. All right. That helped the old Jewish team a lot. Otherwise, we're looking at guys from like the 1950s, like Dolph Shays, before black people played. And we're like, yeah, that's most of the Jewish team. Although the Israeli team is good now. I mean, Omri Caspi, there's some good Jews. You got Koufax. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Koufax was a man. And Edelman on a... Julian Edelman? Yeah. I don't know if he's... Is he Jewish? I assume with that name. He might not be though. Yeah. This can't be real, this pic. Oh, that's hilarious. Yeah, dude. He's going all in with the hat. He's like a pilgrim. Look at that. Yeah. I love it. Love Damari. He seemed like a good guy. Now, what's his... I mean, I know Sammy Davis went Jewish. I think for marriage. I think for marriage. Yeah. Yeah.

And then I don't know, what do you think he's doing it for? I think he had just really... Blood? Yeah. All right. How about that? Sam, can you... Can he play on Saturday? Can you check what's on the table here and vet this? Like, is this all like legit?

I mean, what is that, grape juice? Oh, looks like a little prune juice. I see matzah. Some manischewitz. Yeah, I'm not a great Jew, I'll be honest. It's more my cultural aspects. But yeah, I mean, matzah, I like Passover. I like the story of Passover. I like Hanukkah. I mean, I do the classics. I'm not rocking in there for Sukkot, you know? I'm there for like, you know, the high holidays. Yeah. Yeah.

I just am jealous as a big, fat, atheist, nihilist, you know, nothing matters guy. It's got to be nice to have something in your past, your background, you know, ethnicity in a way. I mean, I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, it's, I mean, it's probably not that different than what you're living though, honestly. Nah, that's true. I mean, it's a Passover. I like those holidays like Passover because it's like, ah, you just come, you see family. It's like almost like, you know.

the way you see family on thanksgiving it's nice yeah stressful but when weinstein gets popped or made off or epstein your mom's like oh we don't have that in my house we're just like whitey is very uh we're loners we don't care i don't care about other whitey i'm not like yes rittenhouse got off you know he's white there were there were there were there are those guys you're not just oh yeah good point but i mean uh yeah we were a smaller portion of the population

So it's a little more personal, I think. There's a part of me when I see Facebook, all the high ups at Facebook, like Zuckerberg, Sandberg. I'm like, can we get a fucking O'Malley in there? Can we mix up the blame, please? Right, right. But you know, you guys, you handle shit. You run the office. The way a black guy will run the Corio. I think Kyle Rittenhouse handled shit in one way. Oh, yeah, good point. Good point. Yeah, he got shit done.

That was his defense. He got shit done. Yeah. Was his lawyer Jewish? I don't know, actually. I mean, the odds would say yes. Give it a go. There's a Rittenhouse rye. Oh, really? Yeah, Rittenhouse. The liquor. I'm sure. I'm wondering if they're just like, did it have to be Rittenhouse? Right. It's like our friend Joe Zimmerman. He's like, come on. You're killing me here. You think orange juice when OJ did it was like, God damn it.

Well, Corona beer. Yeah, Corona. Yeah, there's a million of them. Oh, Delta. Delta. Yeah, I'm sure they're furious. Mark Richards. All right. Probably a goy. Probably a goy. Relate to Michael, though, who dropped the N-word. Oh, my God. Woo! We're rolling. What is this you got up here? This photo's beautiful. Is that a Midnight Cowboy? No, it's close. It's Dennis Hopper.

What movie? American Friend. They're playing a Dennis Hopper movie at the Metrograph. Which one? I forgot the name of it. The last movie? No, from the early 80s. It was with... Oh, this could be American Friend. Maybe. Dennis Hopper was a cool dude. Oh, yeah. Very cool dude. Yeah. Yeah.

Very cool art collector. He's an amazing photographer as well. Really? Amazing photographer. If you're listening to this and you've never seen like the classics like Easy Rider, it's kind of Nicholson's breakout role too. I mean, Easy Rider is incredible. Yeah, that's a fun movie. Five Easy Pieces is in there for Nicholson too. Yeah, but this was before that. This was his first. Yeah, that's true. What about, I'll tell you, can I give you my records? You kind of gave me a good setup for it.

Shout out to my buddy, Alex Brazil. I know Al. Great guy. Love him. Dude, he texts me and he just texts me noir stuff all the time. He's into noir. So he'll be like, have you seen Detour? I'm like, yeah, have you seen Out of the Past? I'm like, I have a big, I got a Out of the Past poster framed above my desk. I love it. I love that movie, Robert Mitchum.

Anyways, like you got to get the Criterion Collection. Here's my log. He gave me his login, which I'm like, I'm going to have to just buy it to support it because it's so cool. Dude, the Criterion Collection, the categories are like Old New York. Oh, wow. Fox Noir. Yeah.

You know, like vehicles with Robert Mitchum. Like these are all the categories. I'm like, this fucking rules. Wow. So I saw Colin Quinn do something. Did you see it? For Criterion. Yes. And I didn't know most of the movies. He does his picks, like his top 10. And they put him just in a room of all the Criterion movies and he's pulling them off the shelves.

What? Watch his best 10 movies. YouTube recommended a couple after. So I watched like Paul Dano and Michael Cera in there too. Whoa. And they were both great. I saw Safdie Brothers did it as well. What? Yeah. It's cool. Are these on YouTube? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. They're really fun. Yeah. Well, I didn't know like any of the movies Quinn was referencing. So I felt dumb. And a lot of them are obviously on there because it's the Criterion. So I'm like, I got to watch this. I love it. So that's my rec. And they've got one of my favorite movies on there. So this comes with another rec.

It's an Otto Preminger film noir from the 40s starring Dana Andrews, Clifton Webb, and Gene Tierney called Laura. It's incredible. It's one of my favorite movies of all time. I've seen it probably five times. I own it on DVD. Wow. But they have it on Criterion. I've never heard of it either. It's excellent. And Gene Tierney was a smoke show. Femme Fatale. Did she try to kill them? I can't. I don't want to give the plot away. 44. Dana Andrews was a very good actor. Very underrated. Nice.

More like a modern actor. Okay. But very kind of understated for that time. And Clifton Webb rules. It's just a cool-ass movie. I love it. All right. What a great name, Clifton Webb. Oh, he ruled. He was great. All right. I'm down. So that's my rec. Well, give me a rec. Wow.

I was gonna say something similar to this actually, but my mom got me that Masterclass bullshit. Whoa. It's pretty good. Who are you watching? I watched the Steve Martin one, and then there's a Scorsese one. There's all these great directors and comedians and stuff and writers. What's his face? Paul Thomas Anderson, Daniel Day-Lewis. I mean, the list goes on. They got good people.

And it's really good. Paul Thomas Anderson has a new movie out that looks more like kind of not like his type of movie. Right. It looks a little softer, like a little more personal. Coming of age high school teen movie. Philip Seymour Hoffman.

What? His son. Is that right? Yeah, Cooper Hoffman, I think. What? How do you feel about this? Because it's like Gandolfini's son, Philip Seymour. I'm for it. You're for it? I'm for it, yeah. But it is kind of a weird form of nepotism. Like, I know Hollywood runs on nepotism, but to me it is a little... I saw Tim Dillon, I thought, make a great point about this, where he said...

It's nothing new, though. I mean, Jamie Lee Curtis is daughter of Tony Curtis. And Gwyneth Paltrow's dad was. Oh, and Janet Leigh was her mother. Yeah, there you go. Yeah. Debbie Reynolds and Burt Reynolds. Sure. Liza Minnelli. Yeah. Liza Minnelli. Yeah. Well, also, Nicolas Cage is Coppola's nephew, right? Yeah, there we go. Jason Schwartzman, I think, is related. So it's all that. Sophia Coppola. But I will say, like, Tim Dillon made a great point. He goes, you're depriving the world of the next real James Gandolfini. Ooh.

Because he could have gotten that role. That's good. I think that's a pretty damn good point. But the next James Gandolfini should be his son. I mean, it's literally his blood.

Well... But we got James Gandolfini out of nowhere. Okay. And now we're not going to get out of nowhere. I think there's someone who's maybe his age who's been training, though, too. So, you know, I thought his son was... The movie was tough for me, but I thought his son was good. But I'm just saying... Yeah, what if every comic was related to Jerry Lewis? Well, we've dealt with that. We dealt with some comics who were related to famous comics coming up. Oh!

That's right. And they didn't always do the work. Yes. A lot of coasting on the looks. I don't know what we're talking about here. They were doing so much coasting, I put my drink on their head, I'll tell you. Oh, my God. You know? Do you want to see this? That's the singer from Haim, the band Haim. Are we allowed to do this? Matt, are we allowed to play a video? Uh-oh.

Not too much. All right, that's enough. Maybe give it 20 seconds. Become such a hot shot actor. Oh, you're already past 20. That's what I'm meant to do. Whoa, this looks more Wes Anderson-y. It looks like Noah Baumbach. Yes. Do you know who I am? Yeah. Oh, nice. Do you know who my girlfriend is? Bob Shazam?

We should probably cut it so we don't get demonetized. Yeah, I mean, yeah, Bradley Cooper, nice to see him pop in. Crazy that he started as a dude from Wedding Crashers. I know. You rewatch that movie and you're like, he was a nobody in that movie. And then you rewatch it and you're like, he kind of steals a lot of this movie. He's fucking funny in it. And then The Hangover, he's the lead. Yeah. So, yeah, he really came through. And then he's in American Hustle and all the- Silver Linings. Silver Linings. Yeah, he's a leading man now. Yeah, he's good, man. I think he got plugs.

Really? Well, give it an old goog on a pick on old... I like the stars with us being like, he's great. And they're like, yeah, I think he's cheating. Yeah. What was that called? Yeah, he's got thinning hair in the early days. And then now he's got a full beauty on top. Well, Steve Carell got that clearly, right? But it looks good. Looks good. Kimmel, Seth MacFarlane, Joe McHale.

I mean, that's like serious hair. Maybe not. Maybe I'm wrong. Well, I actually photographed him right after Wedding Crashers. Yeah? I may have it on my computer. We'll see what his hair looks like. If you got the money, hey, fuck it. This is some real detective work. Nice guy or what do you think? Very nice guy. Yeah. This is it. I don't think there's a good version of it. Beautiful eyes. Oh, that's a good photo, man. Oh, thanks, man. Where is that? An alley on Canal, off Canal. Wow.

Yeah, his hair looks great there. Okay, maybe I'm wrong. Yeah. The allegations won't stand. Okay, well, give me Kimmel and McFarlane and it'll repeat me. Do you think Kimmel has plugs? I guarantee he has plugs. This is what men do. We sit around looking at old hairlines. Look at this one. I got sidetracked, sorry. Oh.

Oh, yeah, Jude Law, but that's no secret. Remember Jude Law? Chris Rock made fun of Jude Law at the Oscars that year, and Sean Penn came out, and he was like, Jude Law is one of the finest actors. Yeah, he's joking. They're so defensive. I'm like, Jesus fucking Christ, you're getting blown the whole evening. You can't make a couple jokes? Exactly. Jude Law. I'm looking for Tom Cruise. Something like that. Dude, what...

Damn, I just read something about like Sean Penn. I didn't know this, that he like abused the shit out of Madonna. Really? Like beat her up? Like tied her to a chair and beat her. Oh, a little army hammer action. Well, he didn't eat her. That's true. Beat her. So yeah, I'm not finding Kimmel hair plugs at all. Ah, you're losing your skills. Mark's making a lot of fucking allegations here. I don't know. It's my screensaver. All these guys with no hair. I could show you this shit in two seconds.

Come on. What are you typing in? Jimmy Kimmel hair plugs. You got to go Jimmy Kimmel. His people got that wiped. Maybe they did. They might have scrubbed it. Uh-huh. I mean, if you can't find McFarlane.

Oh, I didn't. Oh, I think they scrubbed. McFarlane's a, he's a good looking guy. Good looking guy. Underrated looks. Oh, I mean, cause he's, but that's, isn't that great that your looks are underrated? Cause that means you're phony. Ah, good point. Cause he, I mean, dude, I was, I was watching Ted again the other day. It's fucking great. So funny. We all watched it in Vancouver in my hotel room. It was like you, me, Carmen Lynch, Gary Veeder. Yes. Yes.

So funny. Phil Hanley. Yeah. Even number two was funny. By the way, I was at Phil Hanley's recording. I saw you there too. You were photographing. Phil crushed it. Shout out to Phil Hanley. It's going to be a great special. Marcus Russell Price, who made it look awesome. So good. Did a great job. Love you, Marcus. Proud of both of you guys. Phil,

He did such a great job. Did some crowd work, got loose. It was cool to see comics show up for him. Yeah. You're like, Louie's in the back. Aziz is in the back. It was pretty great. I'm proud of him. And you know what? I went as well. And Phil after was beaming.

Which is so rare because comics hate ourselves. We hate our act. We're worried about it. That was the one. You get one shot and he was happy with it. That's how you know it's good. He was proud and it's a long time overdue. I mean, I think he should have done this a while ago, but I'm glad he did it till he was like finally ready. But, you know...

we got to take the power back as comics, man. Hell yeah. Because you don't want to wait on people to give you shit. And a lot of people are waiting and you really, you got to make your own shit. Totally. I mean, Ron, there it is. Ron is doing one. Joe List is doing another one. Stavros is doing one. I mean, YouTube is the move, baby. It looks like he's getting canceled there. He's like, this motherfucker touched me. Damn, that's a great, who took that photo? Salicus. Wow. We got to get that guy working again. Look at that scarf.

I know, right? Jesus. Saw a lot of people. It was great to be home, man. It's the best club. After Phil's thing, I hung out there till like 3 in the morning. I just couldn't leave. I was there on the street and I run into our friend Rami Youssef who I haven't seen forever. You know, his old friend. I haven't seen him in ages and we're talking for like, you know, 20 minutes on the street. He's just one of those like, ah, dude. Yeah. And, uh,

- Immediately, some woman, we were probably 10 minutes in the comic, some woman walks up to Rami with her husband. She goes, "Your show changed our life." And then as that's happening, a crazy guy walks over to me and he's like, "Let me talk to you, dude." This is like the two different New York experiences you have. The one guy getting blown and this other guy just being like, "Let me talk to you, dude." I'm like, "I don't have money on me, dude. "I haven't done my spots yet, I don't have cash." - Yeah, that's New York.

It's funny because I live in my neighborhood. I live by Ronnie Chang. And we bump into each other all the time. And he's the sweetest guy on the sidewalk. He's a sweet guy all the time. But he's like, how are you? How are things going? And he puts his hand on your shoulder. Pickpocket in you. How are you, buddy? But then you see his stand up and he's like, Chinese people fucking smell. Right?

I love him. But he's so good. I told him to come on here, man, and he couldn't do. I tried to get him, I think, for the next one. He's not available, but he said he wants to come on. Busy guy. And he'll drink with us. Oh, yeah? I've gone to bars with him. He'll put him back. Ronnie Chang, great. I was going to Australia. Great guy. He brought me like a...

spreadsheet of all these restaurants and bars. This is where you need to go. You got to go here. I mean, he's like a savant when it comes to where to eat and drink. We'd hoop together in the park a lot too. He was fun to play with because he actually plays D. He's got discipline. I like it. You know? Yeah. A lot of guys you play with, they don't play D. They're costing you buckets. That guy goes all in and I respect it.

There you go, Ronnie. I had to follow him the other night at the cellar. He murdered so hard. He made fun of Will Silvins for like 10 minutes. It was killer. You got to get Will on here, too. We got to get Will. Oh, man. He's the best. Can you tell us about that hang after the Hanley special? Because it seemed pretty epic. Yeah.

Epic hang. It was at the cellar. We had the big long table in the middle. Hanley's lady is there and Brian Hamilton and Godfrey. Hanley's lady? Doesn't he have a lady? I don't think so. Oh, he was schmoozing up pretty good with some brown skinned lady. That's his type. Oh, yeah. That's why I assumed. Yeah. But I think you might be right because I was like, hey, how are you? How do you put up with him? She's like, what are you doing? I was like, she doesn't get it. She's not funny. But maybe that was that. Yeah. Hmm.

Pretty hot. Nice. So I assumed. Hey. Phil's a hot guy. She's a hot Indian.

I figured that was a match. But yeah, Ron was there. List was there. Sarah was there. It was a great time. Yeah. And it was a great special. So I was there for like most of the first special, the first taping. Then I was like, I'll watch the first half of the second. But I was like, I couldn't leave. I was like, I just want to see the whole thing. Yeah. So after the show, someone came up to me and congratulated me for warming up the crowd so well. Yeah.

I don't know who that's an insult on. You or him. Who's taking these pics? They're great. It's me. Wow. What do you think? He's just pulling up none. No, I'm just setting him up. He looks great there. Thank you. He looks like he's wearing the fake nose and glasses like he did on Halloween. Totally. He kind of has like Todd Phillips vibe and road and no, old school when he walks in, he goes, I'm here for the gangbang. Oh, yeah. He's got that vibe a little bit in this picture. Totally.

Ted is a throwback to like those filthy, raunchy comedies. They don't make them anymore. I think you can get away with it with a toy, with a bear, you know? Because he's like going, yeah, and all this shit. And it's a bear. So it's cute. Yeah, I kind of miss that a little bit. Oh, yeah. I sent you that Greg Giraldo roast thing last night. And it's like there was a time where you can kind of just say whatever. And people knew you were like a good person and kidding. And now it's kind of like...

well, what did this really mean? You have to think about the impact of the jokes. You're like, well, these are just friends joking around. Exactly. Yeah, he talked about Laurie K. Martin's tits for two seconds. I don't remember that one. Oh, it was great. He's like, Laurie K. Martin, you got big tits. I mean, if I titty fuck you, you might not even see me. He's like, you're the only person here whose tits are bigger than Patrice's. Yada, yada. Oh, wow.

But now that you could just clip that and be like, that's offensive to women. It's like, ah, it's just a roast. We're fucking around. There's no cell phones back then. It was it was just fun. Yeah. It's crazy to see footage like that, isn't it? Because you're just like, oh, wow, I guess this is this is like actually videotaped. Yeah. There was no like people just video, you know, it's. Yeah.

I got yelled at. This was like a poignant moment. I was doing a show in Vancouver this weekend, and some lady was like, that's inappropriate. And a guy on the other end goes, yeah, it's comedy. Oh, wow. And it was like, whoa, these two worlds. And this guy just kind of nailed it in one sentence, and it shut it all down. It was kind of cool. What was the joke?

He's like, so I'm titty fucking a retard. Jesus Christ. Titty fucking a retard is my favorite country song. But yeah, it was just a nice moment. We, yeah, we...

We had someone at the cellar last night who was like, you know, they have the bags. You have to put the phone in the bags. Oh, they don't like that. Well, yeah, this woman, she's like trying to open her bag. She's on her phone. And I'm like, I wouldn't care if I didn't hear her talk. I'd given her like three or four jokes where I've talked over her. And at a certain point, I'm like, all right, miss, come on. And she goes, I need to take this call. What? And I was just like, of course, like white lady, let's do this. That's why I'm teasing her. And then it was like...

And I was like, and who are you? She goes, I'm her partner. So I'm like, oh my God, like you're both annoying. I'm like, shouldn't I'm both of them. I'm just like, I'm like, I'm like, how are you both? And she goes, continue. I'm like, who's the shitty one? You're both. So I'm kind of trashing them. And then she walks out like in a huff and I find out she like works with like teenage suicide prevention. I'm like, wow, that's really backfired. But then I'm also like, no wonder these kids want to kill themselves. They know her. She's like, I'm on call. I'm like, then why are you at the show?

Jeez, some kid fell off a building now because you're trying to get a zinger in. Get out of here. I need a good laugh. It's also weird to hear, like, she's taking the call in the hall. I'm, like, killing up there. She just gives a huge laugh. She's like, life is worth living. I'm like, so I'm with this chick the other night. Anyway, please. You ever shit on a girl's chest? Don't do it. Don't do it. Oh, man. Where are you? Ha ha ha.

Oh, yeah. That's a weird time. But, yeah, just seeing those old clips. I watched a Carlin video just the other day. It just popped up on my YouTube. And he was like, you know what I call feminists? Cum catchers. And the crowd's like, ah! And, you know, women are laughing. And you're like, yeah, it was comedy. It was fucking around. Weird.

We could analyze everything and make it seem horrible and this is bad because of this and history, but it was jokes. He opened one of his specials. Have you ever noticed someone who's... Yeah, have you ever noticed the pro-life people, the people that you want to fuck to begin with? Yeah. That was his opener, and you're like, oh, my God. So good. So good. So good. What about...

Yeah, I mean, that was classic. Oh, yeah. And that's what we grew up on. So then, like, when we get into comedy, then, you know, you start getting better and more established, and then it just changes. I know. So it's kind of like, yeah. And we're all about evolving, you know? Evolving is good. We're not trying to say the N-word up there, but it's also like, come on, let's meet in the middle. Yeah.

Yeah, no, it is weird where it's like the line. I mean, that's because then your jokes are inevitably going to age poorly if you're trying to walk that line. Yes. Not all of them, but some of them you're going to look back like, all right, well, I can't say those anymore. Right, right. You're at a corporate, you're scrambling your head for material, like can't do rape jokes anymore. Yeah.

Speaking of which, it is corporate season. Yeah. You ready for those? I did a private event on Saturday after a Knicks game in which my brother and I nearly got into a fight. Whoa! Let's hear it. Well, I'll tell the short version of it. Basically, we're at the game. It's one of the worst games of our life. It was a 5 p.m. game I had before the private event thing, so...

My brother is like, he hits me up, he's like, "Let's go to the Knicks game." And I was like, "It's 5:00 PM, I could probably," I'm like, "I'm too tired." Then I have a couple of coffees, I'm like, "Fuck it, let's do it." So we go, it's gotta be the worst first quarter of basketball I've ever seen. - Really? - Unbelievably bad. Like, Knicks score 13 points. It was unwatchable, which in the modern NBA is crazy. They're playing terribly.

this guy is just so fucking annoying behind us he's drunk as shit long island just like the worst type of long island dude yeah and um that sounded like i wasn't racist but you people are the worst type of people but he's like you know pinching people he's like flicking hair and shit yeah and uh oh

Oh, the stories have gone mad if you're looking for them. I see there's an archive of them somewhere. Oh, yeah. What? Fuck. I can text him to you. Yeah. He's just looking up. This is the funniest thing, too. I used to have a show on MSG. So I'm just thinking if I fight this dude, it's going to be a headline like disgraced former MSG host dragged out by security. You know? Yeah. So, yeah, I'll send you the clips if you want to play them. Yeah, please. Should I text him to you or email? Text is fine. All right. Let me pull these up. So...

This guy was fucking with us the whole show. All right. So your show's at 9 or 8? Because if you go to a 5 o'clock game, the game's going to be, what, three hours? Yeah, about. And the show's at, we go on at 10. Oh, okay, okay, okay. So it worked out perfectly. Dina grabbed me. We did the gig together. And, all right, Sally, I'm sending them to you. Thank you. And you can go in this order, I think. Okay. This guy's fucking with us.

And he said he flicked your hat. My head. So bullshit. So these other guys are pretty annoying in our section, too, but they're not as bad as this guy. And like, look, man, I've gone to games my whole life. I can deal with annoying. But these dudes and my so can my brother. But these dudes are particularly bad, you know. So anyway, start here.

Whatever order they came in. Let me see. Yeah, that works, I think. Oh, boy. Is that your brother? No, that's the guy. Oh, that's the guy. Moron. Mongoloid. That's me calling him a moron and a mongoloid. What? Because he poured a beer on my brother. Fucked up. Then he flicked the back of my head. What? And I saw his hand and he goes, it was this other guy. What?

- What? - So that's when I fucking, my brother fucking snatched. My brother was like, "You got a problem?" - Yeah, pour a beer on me, that's fight or war. - That's the end, hold on, that's no, don't go there yet. That's the last one. - Come on, Tarantino, you're out of order here. - Second one, this one? - Yeah, maybe this one, I don't, yeah, I don't know. Try 'em. - Last one! - That's him getting kicked out. - All right.

Bye-bye. What a shit face. That's me fucking with him. Jerk off. Yeah, and then... So then security... And this idiot doesn't realize. You get out of it. This idiot doesn't realize it. Get the fuck out. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. He's a punk. I hate this guy. Yeah. So then he's being a fucking... Everyone in the section hates him. That guy next to him, he was pinching the whole... Everyone hated him. Wow. So then security... You can play the last one, the other one you played before last where they're chanting. So the best part is we're in the section...

And they pull me out to be like, what happened? Whatever. And people...

Guess follow me on Instagram and the thing so they see it. Mm-hmm. So people in the section are chanting Free Sam Free Sam Because they don't want me to get kicked out and I did they just talked to me for like a second They kicked that guy out. That's great. Did he ever take a swing or make a move? I was like I was and it sucks with my neck is so bad right now, but I was fucking ready to go do yeah I was at my brother was we were fucking fired up the free Sam one the Bash Brothers

I mean, no, no, no, no, no. It's out of order. Yeah. So go up. Up. Yeah. I think it's that one where I'm smiling. Okay. Whoopsie. No, not that one. This one? Yeah. Oh.

Justice served. That's great. Justice served. He didn't have any friends near him? He had one other guy who sucked too. They both sucked. What is that? People suck. Yeah. And I said to him many times, like I was being very respectful before it got to this. I'm not doing...

video in a douche until I said hey man I'm here with my brother I got in his face like hey you're ruining sibling bonding right here I said I don't get a lot of nights off and you're fucking ruining this yes and I said you're ruining a night out with my brother and once you fuck once you fuck with someone's family it gets a little like I can't fight but I'll fucking throw down you don't fuck with my you don't fuck with family no what a pipsqueak too he's such a twerp that guy he was a bitch let's hope he doesn't sue us

Yeah, can we get in trouble for that, Matt? Should we blur out his face there, Peters? Also, Peters, your screen's off. Screen's off again. Also, I mean, I already posted on Insta Stories. Oh, yeah, yeah. All right. Well, we're giving this guy a full. You want to come in, talk about it? No, you're not. What are you doing? No, we bring him in. Sally puts a burlap sack over his head. It's like an ISIS video. He's like, I have made a mistake. Yeah, we'll get a rusty knife. All right. Do we have to blur his face?

- All right, all right. - You know what, I wouldn't, that's the thing, sometimes, do you ever post like a video where a guy's like a real piece of shit heckler? I had a guy run on stage once in Fuck With Me, and then I posted the video and it got a lot of views and he was like, "Can you please take this down? "I'm being recognized from work." And I was like, "No, this is a valuable life lesson "that I'm providing to you." - Yes, now you're getting heckled at work. - Ooh. - Fuck you, blow me. - Yeah. - Wait, what were we talking about before this? - I don't know. - Oh, I had something, damn.

But good. Glad Street Justice fucked up. Oh, the corporate. Yeah. So how was the corporate? It was great. It was like a private. It wasn't corporate. It was like a private event. It was someone's 40th birthday party. And they were really cool. It was like a hotel ballroom. They rented out open bar. Very nice. Yeah. Nice. Had Dina. I heard Dina crushing up top. And I was like, that's a good sign. Good sign. So, you know, yeah, they were very cool.

All right. Yeah. How about you? What are you doing? Well, I got some on the books and I just have the most notorious horror stories from corporates. Yeah. I mean, I've bombed everywhere, but corporates, it's a special type of bomb. You just think about the money you're going to make. That's what Mulaney said to me once. That keeps you going. I saw him at the cellar after I bombed a corporate and he's like, how are you? I was like, I'm doing really badly. I just did a corporate. He goes, you just think about what you're going to buy. And in my head, I'm like, we were making way more money. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm thinking about buying like a certain bottle of scotch. Right, right. He's adding a layer to his apartment. Right. He's like, I'll get a sex swing for Olivia Munn. Speaking of, can we get some spots? Huh? Read some spots? Oh, yeah. We should do an ad here. All right. Voice of reason over here. Right. All right. Honey. Hey, hey.

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Yeah. Give me a peeve, man. I got a big peeve right up your ass coming at you here. Hit me. How about this? Yeah. Underwear with no opening. Dude, I said this on a recent episode. I hate it. It's happened to me twice. I bought it. Because you don't even think that they would make shit. I know. Like, what kind of monster? You think... By the way, you think I'm just like...

pulling my whole balls and dick out when i'm just pulling the dick out yeah what am i special needs nine-year-old i got my fucking pants down by my ankles i got my underwear down i'm at the urinal the the airport like a fucking 12 year old i hate it give me a flap someone's kicking your shoe because you think you're giving him a signal i mean what the hell is going on yeah they're doing the tap you know the gay uh the gay code but uh no i hate the no flap i'm

pulling the whole thing down. My dick's 12 inches, so I got to flop it over. It's a whole thing. But yeah, I hate the no flap. What year is it? It's 2021. Well, they think it's like a trendy option. I think it's horrible. I mean, shout out. I mean, we're not even doing an ad for them, but Sheath does it right, man. Sheath. I like places that actually know what the fuck they're doing. And I went to Gap and I was at like a discount type store and I was like, oh, these look fine. I didn't even look. You got to look. You got to look.

Yeah, and can we get, all we talk about is body positivity and big is beautiful. Every man on an underwear package is like Brad Pitt in Fight Club. I know. How about a dad bod? Yeah, I know. Just to feel better. It's a little annoying. It's a little annoying, but hey, that's what's cool about being a guy. We can take it. You don't see us complaining, but...

I'm just saying, it's a lot of, look at these, oh, that's Marky Mark. Come on, he doesn't get much hotter than that. Why is he grabbing his dick in that one? Well, he's a tough guy. He beats up Asians in Boston. But what does that mean? But what does that mean to grab your, I mean, does that make you tough? You're like, let me fucking grab, they're like, holy shit, that guy grabbed his dick. Yeah. What won't he grab? Michael Jackson started that, I guess. You know, the hee hee. I remember that. Which I never got, but it just caught on. People loved it.

Yeah, I guess it was like edgy. I don't know. Yeah, Richard Pryor, that great joke. White guy's like, why do you guys always grab your things? He's like, you took everything else, motherfucker. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Damn. Yeah, what is with these ads? I mean, these guys are chiseled. They're Adonises. Even Kramer in the Seinfeld underwear ad, I'm like, he's got a pretty good body. Pretty good body, yeah. It's weird. I remember Al Lubell, really funny comic. You've never seen him. He's got a documentary out. Al Lubell would just strip down naked on stage. What? I remember I used to have a bar show and he would just take all... He had great... He was like a dry one-liner guy. And then he would just like...

He would just get naked. What? He'd go down in his underwear and people would be like, what the fuck? Because he'd do it at the cellar. What? Yeah. And then he would be like, you guys are surprised because you expected me to have a really bad body and it's not that bad. And people would be like, eh. Yeah. Wow. That is weird. Big Jay used to get down to his skivvies on stage. That was his closer. So funny. Yeah. I mean, that was back in the day when you were new and you were just grasping at straws. I need any kind of reaction.

Most people go blue. He went naked. I got a... Yeah, what do you got in the peeve world? Let's see what I got. Man. Yeah, you know who else has a decent body? It's Conan. Surprisingly good body. Oh, does he? I mean, he's sheet white, but he's got abs. Really? Yeah, Conan's ripped. Look at that.

Wow. Ben Stiller, too. It's like, oh, yeah. Ben Stiller is almost like too ripped. It's almost like, dude, you're a comedian. I know. He lets you know it, too. It's every movie he gets, you know, shirtless. Look at that. That's a solid sixer.

Yeah, but it's like kind of weird with Ben Stiller. It's like in Meet the Parents and a Speedo and a six pack. And I'm like, did you write this one in? Exactly. I think you just wanted us to see how ripped you look. Yep. Heavyweights. That one. Zoolander, obviously. He's always getting shirtless. Yeah, you're right. You know who else likes being naked a lot is Bryan Cranston.

Really? Well, I just feel like in Breaking Bad, he was in his tighty-whities for the first half of the whole show. Does he like that or is that because if it's one show, I'm not going to blame the actor. If it's every movie you're in, I'm kind of like, maybe it's you. Yeah, and Ben Stiller does write these. I mean, in Heavyweights, he was literally a bodybuilder. And then I think in Dodgeball, he was ripped too. Until the end. Is he still with Christine Taylor? She's underrated. They might have gone back together. Oh, Adam Driver, man.

Looks like a centaur. That is crazy. I know. What is with him? Women, he's the ugliest man on the planet and the ladies love him. He's not ugly. Adam Driver? What are you kidding? He looks like the scream mask. Look how long his face is. He's hideous. Yeah, but he's unique looking. He's not ugly. He is. Okay. If you're like a confident, talented, unique, I mean, is Owen Wilson ugly? He's like a unique guy. He's all right. But you put Adam

If he was a cashier at CVS, you'd go, yikes, Halloween's in town. I'm just saying. We put him on a pedestal. All right. Do you think Dustin Hoffman would be cleaning up as a cashier? Well, I'm not saying he's handsome either, but you put Ryan Gosling as a cashier, you're like, this is a good looking cashier. I know, but is every actor supposed to look like Ryan Gosling? No, I'm just saying. That'd be boring as shit. Attractive and unattractive.

I think he's unattractive. How dare you? Women love him. Women love him. They love him. They love him. Well, he is 6'5 or something as well. Also an ex-Marine. And an ex-Marine and a hell of an actor.

Yeah. So I'm saying he's a catch. I'm just saying he's traditionally... And he banged Lena Dunham on a show, so women are like, he doesn't see. Doesn't see. I'm not going to finish the joke. He doesn't see color. He's an open-minded fellow. Yeah. Let's see what I got. Okay, there's one. That's good acting. People...

Few worse feelings when you take a shit in public and the second you sit, you put your ass on the thing, not in public, in a public restroom. Sure. I'm not bending over in the Starbucks. But you sit on the toilet and the second your butt hits the seat, someone aggressively knocks. Oh.

I hate that. The aggressive knock when you're like, I'm going to be quick, but you got to have my back here. Yes. Yes. If I'm taking a shit in public, it's an emergency. Right. Right. And at the aggressive knock, it tightens your butthole. You're like, I need to be relaxed here. And you're doing the opposite. Yeah.

I hate that. And I hate when you have this one when you're in a stall and you just hear like the guys just you're like, it's locked. You got to you got to accept the fact that it's locked. They're like twisted and turn and you're like, it's locked, buddy. Every every door should have the airplane vacants. No. Yes. That'd be nice. Good call.

Because we've all had that timid guy in front of us in the bathroom line who's like, someone's in there. And you're like, it's been 20 minutes. Are you sure? And then they're like, it's open. You're like, you weak motherfucker. Also, what's up with the crack in the door? It's like a full quarter inch. Oh, you mean in a stall? In a stall, yeah. I hate it. You see that wandering eye. You're like, all right, Jesus, man. I'm trying to read. You see him lift the camera phone. You're like, please.

Yeah. No more vulnerable moment than shitting. Yeah. And there are a couple of comedy movies where the guy's shitting and the water shoots up. Oh, what is that? Is that Caddyshack? I don't know. Maybe Animal House? You know it's going to be a bad movie when they're just like, we need a laugh scene right here. Like, what if the shit water shoots up and hits everyone in the face? They're like, that's it. That's the scene. Yeah, that's true. Remember the first time you saw Bill Murray bite into that payday?

That was pretty jarring. Was it a Baby Ruth, I think? Oh, a Baby Ruth. Yeah, good call. Payday would have been even grosser than Inside. It's a lot of nuts. Yeah, those nuts don't break down. Needless corn. Corn doesn't break down in your system. What do you think about a Baby Ruth? What do you rank on? I love Baby Ruth. The classic. Love it. Love it more than Payday, for sure. Payday's too much nuts. Too much nuts. We got it. Yeah. Baby Ruth's a nice mix.

Yeah. What is that movie with the shitting? I guarantee there's a montage of shitty or shitting. Howard and Kumo, there's the diarrhea scene. Oh, and the hot women with diarrhea where you're like, yes. And, uh, dumb and dumber, of course. Oh, that's a classic. Classic. Oh,

He was very intimidated to take that role, he said. Because of Jim Carrey? Because of Jim Carrey, yeah. He's amazing in it. Yeah. Jeff Daniels is great, man. Great. So good. He can do it all. News rate, not news radio. Newsroom? Newsroom. I couldn't stand that show. It's a little much. It's like literally the most smug liberal shit I've ever seen in my life. Like, we're doing the Lord's work. Yeah. That opening monologue, you could just feel, you know that Sorkin was jerking off while he wrote it. It was just like, I'm fucking awesome at this. Yeah.

He's like, you know, we need to take, we need to be accountable. The media needs to be accountable. He's like, yes, we do. I'm fucking, I'm writing, I'm writing a show that's going to change the world. Yeah. Sorkin really blows himself on a lot. I mean, look, he's great. Like social network. I loved. That was incredible. I think he did a few good men. Yeah, he did. And Moneyball. And Moneyball was great. All great dialogue. Yeah. But like he really, I mean, dude, I love Sports Night back in the day. Oh, that was an underrated show. Great show. I think it was too smart for the room. Oh,

Oh, it was like a non... It was on like ABC and there was no laugh track. And I think people were like, what? It was before television was smart. Good point. Yeah, no, it was a different tone as well. I mean, it was a really good show. But, you know...

he definitely, he falls victim. I think some, I mean, like we're talking about one of the greatest screenwriters of all time. We're criticizing one of the greatest screenwriters ever, but I do feel like that you feel the smugness in the writing sometimes. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. We get it. You're great. Take it easy. Those characters just annoyed the shit out of me. Yeah. Like all of them annoyed me. Right. I,

Yeah, sometimes it's too much. Sometimes you just want to pull back. I watched an M. Night Shyamalama ding-dong movie on the plane. Which one? Old. Is it good? Ah!

it's not great, but. Let me guess, the twist is that he's young. That's the twist. Basically, these people go to a beach and the beach you age like insanely rapidly. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Are they tricked to go to the beach? How do they get to that beach? I think that beach is called Hollywood. Oh, my God. I'll tell you. You turn 18 and you're too old. I'll tell you. Yeah, they're at Malibu. I mean, they're at a resort. Oh,

And then the guy goes, you want to see a real beach? And they throw all these rich people in a van. They bring them to this beach. It's beautiful. They swim. And then they realize like, wow, my six-year-old looks like he's 15. Oh, wow. And then my daughter was five. Now she looks like she's 20. Interesting premise. Great premise. But what's in it for the guy to bring these people to a cursed beach? They do experiments on them. I don't want to give too much away. Wow. It's like Epstein's Island. You're 18. Get out of here. Got to go.

Get back on that jet. Yeah, yeah. Those girls grew up quick. But yeah, yeah. It's a fun, fun movie. But I don't know. It just...

M. Night Shyamalan, I feel like he's running off one movie or maybe two. The one movie being The Sixth Sense? Yep. That was a great movie. Great movie. I mean, it was the talk of all it's all America talk about. I see dead people. It was every punchline. You know, I didn't see it coming. My friend said he knew. He didn't know. What about, I mean, yeah, what's the other one? Signs I heard is pretty good. Signs was good. Yeah, you never saw it? It's pretty good. Unbreakable is pretty good. Yeah, but it's just a slow decline.

He seemed to be making the same movie over and over again. Yep. Yeah. With not capturing that magic. Well, I think he got known. Everyone's known for a thing and he got known for the twist and he almost gets stuck. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yep. Yep. Yep. M. Night Shyamalan, though, is just such a good name. Like, you hear that. It's like, all right, we got to go see that. It's so recognizable. Yeah. What else? He did The Happening. That was supposed to be terrible. He did The Devil. You remember that one that was in an elevator? Yeah.

The devil was in the elevator with like six people killing him one by one. Devil in the elevator? Yeah. What is that, about a fart? And I remember watching the trailer in theaters and people were like laughing at how bad it was. And then when his name came up, just uproarious laughter because everyone knew like, this is bad, this is bad. And then when they was confirmed how bad this was, huge laugh. Wow. At his name. Oh.

I love New Yorkers, man. They're so cynical and obnoxious. Like, you're literally laughing. I mean, yeah, it might suck, but this dude probably worked really hard on it. It's just so funny to look at someone's work and be like, ah! That's true. That's true. But those movie experiences are great. I saw Iron Man in Midtown, in Times Square. Day it came out, it was me and like eight nerds. They all brought their action figures. I was like, I want to experience this. Let me go all in. When that fucking head helmet went, they all went...

Popcorn's flying. They're not climbing. That was fun. I mean, can you think of a better dude to cast as Iron Man than Robert Downey Jr.? They nailed it. That's the one time where you're like, yeah, he's got to be. No one would have been as good. No, no. Tony Stark. Perfect. Perfect. Yeah. And then he made 12 of them after that. 12.

but fun in the theater i saw american pie in the theater with the famous uh when he fucked the pie some guy some guy goes he tore that shit up killed dude it's fun when when you're at a fun comedy and you got a funny guy in there yeah yes the problem is when you get the guy who's not funny who keeps going for it i know i know you know it's a great feeling though i got heckled my balls off in canada this weekend just uh it was just where were you in canada vancouver vancouver yeah the house of comedy why do you get heckled so much i

I think they drink a lot out there. You know, they're all nice and, hey, how you doing? Hey, sorry. So they drink and it all comes out. Yeah, you're right. It's got to even out somewhere. Did you, were they packed houses? Packed, yeah, we sold it out, but a lot of booze bags and...

And also, they've been locked down pretty good. So I think they're finally out and they're really going for it. They spread the vaccine in Canada out. You get like your first dose and then you get your second dose in like six months. It was something insane. Yeah, yeah. It didn't make a lot of sense. They're still weird over there. I had to get all kinds of tests. Shout out to the United States for getting us vaccines. Hell yeah.

Also, our president's not wearing blackface. Hey, hey. All right. Also, they got a real problem with their indigenous. We'll get into it. Yeah, yeah. But either way, I got heckled and I can't remember my point. Shit. What were we talking about? We were saying something. Hecklers? Hecklers. We were on a train. M-Night.

Ah, I lost it. Damn it. So tell us about being heckled. What was that? Well, that's what I was saying, but I can't remember. I know. What were the heckles like? How did they... Oh, shit in my mouth. I can't think of what I was going to say. Heckle. Have another drink. One gin and tonic or whatever, vodka soda. Ah, it'll come to me. It'll come to me. But yeah, got heckled. Damn it. Play the tape back, Matt. What the hell was I talking about? Shit. Shit.

I had a whole thing. It was going to break open a whole discussion. That's God. We're sloppy. Yeah. What? It's noon. We're hammered. What? What? What was it? We were talking about movies. M. Night Shyamalan twists. Yeah. Yeah. Heckled in Vancouver. They got a problem with indigenous vaccine. Wow. Damn it. We are drunk. We might be. Shit. Shit.

Ah, I had something. I'll see if I have any other peeves. You know I always got peeves. Give me a peeve. Maybe it'll come back to me. That was a point. I was getting two with the nickel. Let's start with, do you have a bit mark? Do you want to go to bits? I got a bit. It's not great. Yeah, I got one that I need more on, but we'll do that in a sec. All right. Okay, there's one. I got a peeve. I'm in the elevator, and I'm holding two really heavy bags, and the woman, she asked me to hit the floor.

I'm holding too bad. Hit her floor. Oh, I see. I think she's like four and I'm just like holding too heavy. I'm holding too heavy. But you're gonna make me do this shit? Yeah. Huh? Yeah, weird. I always think of Hannibal Buress's bit. You remember he had a bit where he gets someone, a woman gets in the elevator and she's like, five, please. And he goes, bitch, this ain't Mad Men. Oh, damn.

That hits. That's hilarious. Yeah. Well, in this woman's defense, in COVID times, I'm not reaching across people to hit my elevator button. I ask them to do it, even though no matter what I'm holding or they're holding, I don't want to reach across in their space. I'm like, now I got to put my bags. I got to do the elbows. It was a whole thing. You know what you do in that situation? You got to play it up. You got to go, oh.

and really make her feel bad like you know drop a loaf of bread and you're like oh jeez and then you hit the four you gotta really let her know that that was a bitch to do but yeah that's that's crazy

And you hit it? You hit the button for her? Did you hit the button with that elbow? I did, yeah, I got it. All right. I was annoyed, but I did it. That's a pet peeve of mine. I stayed in this hotel. It was like the 28th floor. The view was amazing, but the elevator is an issue every day. It's like- I hate high floors. Yeah, you're going down. Now you got to stop at 15, stop at 13, pick people up, stop at eight, stop at six. And you're like, man, this elevator- And it takes forever to get up there. And getting up. I hate a high floor.

People think it's like luxurious. I want to know I can get the fuck out. Same, same. And I'm a big stairs guy. I'll take those fire stairs all day long just because, A, you want to get a little blood flowing because you're on the road eating hoagies and drinking booze all night. Yeah. So, yeah, I was taking the stairs every now and then. Yeah. Another peeve. How about this? I had the guy do the side cut.

Oh, I fuck. It's unacceptable. Unacceptable. There's no side cut. There's cutting. It's cutting. It's cutting. What's a side cut? All right. Well, we got a line at the airport and then you see this, you know, we're all single file. You see this one guy trying to just transition into a line. If you side cut toward the end, it's more understandable, but you can't side cut to the middle or the front. It was a middle side and, you know, you got the velvet rope going down and the velvet rope stopped. He waited right by the end of that velvet rope and...

And then you want to say something, but you don't want to say something because you don't want to be the cunty guy, but brutal. Yeah, I don't like, yeah, that bugs the hell out of me. I don't like confrontation, but I'll fucking do it. Yeah.

You had a guy thrown out of a Knicks game. What are you talking about? I don't like it. I don't like that. But I will tell you, that fourth quarter was fucking wonderful. Yeah. My brother and I were like, I think we needed that. I think we needed to get all this pent-up rage from the game. And now, you know, the Knicks came back, thank God. Hell yeah. Yeah. But yeah, the side cut guy had some trouble with his ticket. So he kept going like, beep, beep, beep, beep. You know, it wasn't going. And then I went around him and I was like, beep. Beep.

And then I was like, all right. That's how you do it. That's how you do it. Had my ticket ready there. Yeah, man. I mean, I'm with you, dude. You showed him. I showed him. You know what I don't like? When people do something, here's a peeve of mine. When people do something shitty to you and then the next time you see them, they act like they didn't do something shitty to you and you should be happy to see them. Ha!

Yeah, that's a sociopath. That, to me, drives me nuts. It happened to me at the cellar the other night. This guy wrote a book on the comedy cellar. He wrote a really shitty chapter on me. What? And he sent me the book thinking I would think it was good. A whole chapter shitting on you? No, it was like a paragraph. He reduced it to a paragraph, but I was a part of this chapter, and it was just like... What's the book?

I don't remember what it's called. I don't want to say his name. I don't want to put him on blast. But I mean, he wrote me... He was going over my alligator joke, the one about the baby that got eaten by the alligator. Because he was talking about people getting mad about jokes and stuff. And I gave him... I talked to him for so many hours on the phone because I was like, I thought it was going to be a big book on the seller. And he reduces what I say to like one paragraph. And it was about me being like... I could bring the book in. It was about me being like...

I might have thrown it out. But it was about me being anxious about trusting a journalist to write about this with care. And here we go. Wow. So he acted all like it was good to see you. And I said, I think your book stunk.

And I was like, well, at least what you wrote about me sunk. Some of the other stuff I think was okay, but... Yeah. You know, I was pretty bummed out by that. What did he say? He was like, well, you know, I'm a big fan. I was like, well, the next time show it in the writing. Yes. I gave you a lot of my time. I'm having a lot of that on the road. The fan... I had a guy with a Mark Norman t-shirt and he just...

No laugh. I'm like, you're my support. You're not even laughing. Isn't that weird? It's weird. Some people have just a bad laugh face. True. Some people have like a bad listen face. And I think that's the problem. And then they're like this all the time. They're like, yes. And then you make a joke and like. Yeah. Resting bitch. They call that. Yeah. Yeah. And then they'll be like.

"Tuesdays, we might be drunk!" And you're like, "Why are you ruining the show now?" You're so pent up and excited that you're just yelling stuff. I think in a weird way they think like, "I'm gonna go see Sam! We'll hang out, we'll interact!" And you're like, "It's still a show! Pretend it's Les Mis!"

Les Mis, baby. You know, give me something. The Song of Angry Men. What? The Song of Angry Men, brother. What's that? Les Mis. Do you hear the people sing, singing the Song of Angry Men? Great tune. Great, great music. That's a real dad musical. Every dad's like, we should go to Les Mis. I love Les Mis. Because it's a musical, but it's like you feel kind of, it's like French Revolution. I feel a little tough. Yeah.

Right. It's about stealing bread and bullshit, you know? Master of the house, keeper of the inn. That's a great song. That's a great musical. Great. It's a great, great, the whole thing. Jean Valjean, number 120601. It's classic. I might have made up those numbers. But yeah, I took a humanities class in high school and we learned all about musicals and it was the best class. It's crazy. People shit on musicals, but you get a good one, man. Oh.

Oh, yeah. Throwing little guys and dolls, man. Woo! Too fun. Hell, yeah. Bye-bye, Birdie. Don't get me started. Never seen that one. Oh, it's great. It's good? It's great. Yeah, yeah. I like that song. Good musical. Oklahoma. Wait, what's that? That's the song. Isn't that a song, Bye-bye, Birdie? That's the musical. I know, but isn't there a song in there called that, too? Oh, yeah. That is the lead, like the main song. Bye.

Bye-bye, Bertie. Boy, see, we got range on this pod. Yeah, yeah. We can go from eating ass to musicals. So, I saw, this is, I guess this is my rec. I saw this movie. It's called At Long Last with Burt Reynolds. Oh, wow. Madeline Kahn, Sybil Shepard. I think it's like, oh, there it is, 1975. It's a musical. Huh. Burt Reynolds in a musical? Yeah, I'll just play a couple seconds. Can he sing? He talks through it, but...

I want to see this. It's funny. It's a funny musical. Madeline Kahn is really funny. Wow, it sounds pretty good. I think it's all Cole Porter songs. So they're going to be good. I don't know. This looks horrible. I'm telling you it's funny.

All right. It's so funny that this is like the dude from Deliverance. Yeah. Yeah, right? He's like, all right, you're going to do Deliverance, and then you're going to put on a monkey suit. Wow. I guess it's kind of like your Brando in a musical that you like to do. Oh, dude, grab, pull that up. Go mid-song of Brando singing Luck Be a Lady and Guys and Dolls. It's the funniest thing.

Can we hear your impression first? Well, the fact that Brando gets the lead in a musical over Sinatra is the all-time fun. Oh, did he? Oh, my God. He's...

He's Sky Masterson, which is the lead, and Sinatra's Nathan Detroit. Yeah, and he can't... He talked through it. He's like, they ain't call you Laney Lock. Hey, that's pretty good. Give me the brush. Oh, yeah, that's already bad. You might forget your manners. You might refuse to say. But it's so bad that it's kind of good. Yeah. It's like Bob Dylan. And so blessed that I can be.

Where is he from with that voice? Is he a New Yorker? I think he's a New Yorker, but I'll look it up. Sing it, Sam. Dude, he... Sinatra sang this song his whole fucking career. I know. It's because he didn't get to sing it in this movie. Yeah. You know he sang it his whole career because he's like, that's how you fucking sing it, dude. Right.

Damn. That's a good musical comedy, guys and dolls. It's hilarious. Yeah. It's just guys being degenerates and like all of it's just gambling. And the premise is like he's trying to bang this woman. I mean, it's like some of those scenes, they're hilarious to watch now. He's just trying to get her drunk. And she's like, this tastes like a milkshake. He's like, sure it does. Have another milkshake. Yeah.

She keeps ordering her milkshakes. Damn. I've never seen it. It's pretty great. You know the songs in it like, and the devil will drag you under from the sharp lapel of your checkered coat. Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down. You're rocking the boat. Oh, nice. You know that one. Yeah, I do know that one. Yeah, you know the tunes. All right. It's classic. Man, he was handsome. Brando was hot as shit. So hot. Would you?

I'd fuck him in the ass. You would? Yeah. He's handsome, dude. Young Brando's hot. Oh, what are you getting? The hottest. Old Brando. Yeah, he really 180'd. I'm going to get us deplatformed here, but this is Brando sucking a dick. Whoa, that's my dick. That's a black dick. It is. I wonder if that's Richard Pryor's. Actually, they figured out who it is. I can look it up, but I don't remember. Because they had a hot thing for a while. Brando really knew how to push the button. Oh, jeez.

Jesus, man. I don't know if that's real. That doesn't look real to me. He set the... Yeah, you're giving Matt Peters a ton of work here. He's getting very annoyed. Come on. That was a ball shot there. He also... Like how you couldn't find Kimmel's hairline. You got Brando's ball sack exposed in two seconds. What is... Remember we sent the Native American woman to get the Oscar for him? Who wasn't actually Native American. She was an actress. Oh! Yeah.

Stealing a role from a native American. Exactly. And then Brando had play. I think he played like an Asian person. One movie. There's some shit where you're like, this is not, I know your heart's in the right place, but some of this shit is weird. Yeah. Yeah. I think he went a little bat shit. He went a little nutty. I, I watched that Val Kilmer doc and he said, uh, on the set, uh, Brando was a little, a little off. I read, so I was, uh, I read Sidney Lumet's book, uh, uh,

I'm making movies. And he said, um, that Brando, he's like, he's an incredible actor, but he just tortures directors. Yeah. And he would do two takes early on to see if you were good. Like he would, he would, uh, do two early takes and one, he would be doing it in his mind the right way. And the other, and the other one he would do in a more artificial shallow way. And if the director liked the second way, he would give nothing to the movie. Well,

Because he was like, I'm not going to waste my talents on this guy who doesn't get me. So he would like fuck with you and play games with you. Yeah. So you get the great Brando if he thought you were great. Aha. Aha. Interesting. So is he from New York? Omaha, Nebraska. Wow. Midwest boy. But he honed his chops in New York. Yeah. He was a Stella Adler. Stella Adler. Yeah. He could have some Native American in him. Stella. Yeah. Yeah.

Omaha. Yeah, good point. He's got those eyes. Streetcar's fucking great. Yeah. Streetcar's a masterpiece. Eli Kazan, he named names. He did. He did name names. Not a fan of that. No. He did what he had to do, I guess. I guess. Arthur Miller, he's all over that doc. Ooh, I gotta watch that doc still. Pretty good. I mean, I don't know if I'm gonna get to it now that I got this Criterion set up, though. God damn, I'm fired up. We got Criterion. We do? Oh, well, we got everything.

Stolen cable. Oh. You brought it up. Why are you getting annoyed? I know, right? What do you think? Mark's going to not hit a fastball over the plate? Yeah, well, I mean, I didn't say the name. Okay, good. But yeah, it's a pretty great little... Yeah, but they know his name.

I know your name, but I'm not saying the name of the service. Salamanca. Yes. Should we do a bit? Let's do a bit. I got shit. Also, make sure to email us for the Patreon at WeMightBeDrunkPod at gmail.com. That's WeMightBeDrunkPod at gmail.com. And leave us a nice review on the podcast app or Apple, whatever you're doing. Hell yeah. And see us on the road. We'll plug the dates at the end of the show, but make sure to see us on the road.

What do you got, Mark? All right, all right. Now, this is a talk about a half-baked, loosey-goosey, not much here, and I need your help. So, I was reading the thing about the founding fathers, and I got to tell you, these guys were...

men tough men grew up poor became presidents uh been shot at they duel in the street yeah uh they talk shit they're like rappers four fathers with the original rapper wood grill rough riders there's a lot a lot of comparisons there uh always complaining about slaves

No. But they've been shot at. Like Teddy Roosevelt got shot at and kept doing his speech. Remember that? It's almost like a 50 cent thing.

It's interesting. Yeah. It's like, oh, you want to fuck? I love the rapper, like the angle of like duels and stuff. Yeah. Oh, you want to go? Let's fucking. You're like, Jesus Christ. What are you? Like running for office or Tupac? Exactly. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like Hamilton and Burr headed out in the street. Yeah. Gunfight. Yeah. So it's like East Coast, West Coast rivalry. And that's part of why Hamilton's so popular. He died young. Oh, yeah. Like Tupac and Biggie. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah.

Well known some people hate them some people love them. Yeah, I don't know this seems like a lot there with the rapping My only fear is that Hamilton is rapping That's clever. Yeah, but that's that maybe you have to bring that around. I mean Hamilton there, but then yeah, hmm Yeah, but it's mostly comes from Teddy Roosevelt. He's in a thing called the Rough Riders. He's been shot You know, he gives a full performance. He's manly. He's like tough as hell. He's big. Yeah, some of them are in a wheelchair and

Are there rappers in wheelchairs? No, I guess it's just their homies. But yeah, I don't know. Presidents were the original rappers. Could be something. There's something there about coming from the streets. Yes. They all came from nothing. A lot of them grew up poor. They made it. They'll shoot you. Yeah, they'll shoot you in the face. In the street. Smoke weed. They don't like paying their taxes. Ha ha ha.

We had a revolution because we didn't like to pay taxes to the British. Good point. Yeah. I like that. Lincoln was against slavery. There's something here. I'll play with it. I need to really get a bunch of presidential facts, like a list of stuff that lines up with rappers. I love Founding Fathers bits. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm into those. Mount Rushmore. Yeah.

Maybe something with a Declaration of Independence. That's like death row records. They all come together and sign. They all sign it. That's pretty good. Something like that. It could be like the Declaration of Independence is the first diss track. Hey, diss track. Yes. All right. All right. You know, the Republican and Democrat, it's almost like East Coast, West Coast. Yeah. Something there. You know, bloods in the crypts, the red and the blue. Wait a minute. The Whig Party. I don't want to say it out loud, but...

You changed the W? Yeah. All right. No, no. Yeah. I was going to say the white people rap like that. Huh? Like Eminem would be called a part of the wig party. Oh, wig party. I see what you're saying. Wigger. There you go. All right. All right. You're not supposed to say that word anymore? I don't think so. Really? Yeah, I don't think you are. You can say bigger. I know, but that's a different word. I know, but it's... All right. What are you supposed to say? Whack? That kind of works. Whack?

Yeah, it kind of works. All right. Yeah, there's something about that for sure. Joe Zimmerman had that great bit about, I think it's Hamilton. No, it was Andrew Jackson. Jackson. Yeah, that's a great bit. Yeah. And I'm not a history buff, and I don't know anything about Andrew Jackson, but his bit is so good because it plays it all out. He gives you all the information and still makes it funny.

Zimmerman, underrated. Joe Zimmerman, new album out. Check out Joe Zimmerman. Tours with Brian Regan. Yep, yep. He's a terrific comic. Killer comic. Funny guy. Look him up. Joe Zimmerman. He's done a bunch of late night sets as well that are strong. But Mark, I think the joke Mark's talking about is in a Craig Ferguson set. Oh, really? He did it on late night. Maybe he did it on Conan. Maybe on the Patreon. Play it and we can play more stuff. Sure. It's his signature bit. Yeah, no, he's great. This one here.

- Nah, nah, nah. - We'll save it. - All right. - But-- - What do you got? - I got one that's hitting, but it needs one more thing. - All right. - It's a missing, it hits, but I say, you know, you can't really tell if you're in a toxic relationship. You can tell afterwards. Looking back, you'd be like, that was bad. You can't tell when you're in it. You know what I mean? Which like, that's the only thing that's like that. My phone breaks. I know it's broken instantly. I'm not walking around with a cracked screen. Your friends are like, what's up with your phone? I'm like, you should see it when you're not around.

It's actually a pretty good phone. Right. So maybe you should mind your own fucking business. Yeah. Worry about your phone. Looks like an Android to me. Looks like, you know, that part gets a nice pop, but I don't have an ending. Like the Android thing, I'm like thinking like something like your phone looks like something maybe about fingers, you know, because you're doing like the identity thing or the security thing.

I was thinking it also could, I know you got the phone part already, but my brain goes to alcohol. You know, like, hey, oh shit. Like, hey, this is a good drink and I'm feeling good. What's the reminder there for? I don't know how to fix it. It just goes off. I pushed a bunch of buttons one day and now it goes off at 2 p.m. every day. But I just turn it off. But you have a drink, it feels good, it tastes good, but then later you're like, oh, what

what was in that? You know, you're so hung over like later you're like, Oh, that was toxic. That was poison. But at the time you're like, this is fun. I know so many alcohol jokes. Yeah. There's something about like the phone though. I, there's something like, um,

You know, you share, letting other people look at your phone. That's like a vulnerable thing. Oh yeah. Letting someone in to see your partner. That's a vulnerable thing. Right, right. Your phone, if your phone's not working, that, that it's like, like a relationship that's like chaos. Yeah, true, true. Well, you're just like, man, your phone is. So is this the phone, the comp is the phone is like, like the girlfriend, the toxic girlfriend? Well, it's not like it because if your phone breaks,

Right. You know it. I see. If your, if your, if your relation breaks, you're kind of the last to know. Oh, that's good. That's kind of my point. Maybe the only difference is if you lose the girlfriend, you feel better. You lose your phone, you're ruined. Yeah. If someone else finds your girlfriend. Yeah. Yeah. There you go. Or something like, yeah, you've, uh,

And there's a store you can go to, like my phone's not working. I guess that would be- Couples counseling? Couples counseling. Yeah. You go to, yeah. We're not connecting, you know, something like that. Either way, yeah. With the phone though, the phone's acting up. You get a new model. Yeah, yeah, there you go. Yeah. Huh. I'll crack it. There's something here, right? I like it, yeah. I'll play with it. So much phone girlfriend stuff too. It's just like you got to text all the time. You got to post about her. Yeah. Hmm.

Maybe someone with a case on a phone. You got to protect it. Yeah, it's broken. Like the screen is broken. Got to protect it. Yeah. Someone else asked if they could touch it. They're like, absolutely not. Yeah, finger your own girlfriend. Keep your fingers on your own. Keep your fingers away from what's mine. Yeah, you're out of memory. Yeah, you got to have memory. You got to have memory. You got a girlfriend. Yeah. You better have memory. Mm-hmm.

All right. How often do you get accused of not remembering? Oh, my God. You didn't remember. I'm like, I know. I can't remember everything. Yeah. Then I can tell you what Wade Boggs' batting average was. Isn't that from when Harry missed Saturday? Yeah. Oh, really? Isn't that? Maybe not. Maybe I just, who knows. But you're like, hey, you don't remember that I like when you work the balls. All right. All right. Mark, where are you going to be on the road, man? Hey, hey.

I'm all over the place, uh, let's see... Atlanta, Buckhead Theatre, Milwaukee Improv, Charlotte Comedy Zone, Royal Oak in Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle in Michigan, Kansas City Improv, Syracuse Funny Bone, my nemesis!

But a lot of fun dates coming up. Go to marknormancomedy.com. Oh, I'm in Toronto as well at the Dark Comedy Fest. I got to go. I got to do Toronto, man. I got Charlotte Comedy Zone coming up December 2nd through 4th. I got Miami Improv the following weekend. Then the Addison Improv in Dallas. We got Richmond...

Coming up, Richmond, Virginia in January. We got Timoni, Maryland, Sacramento. I'm going to add some other shit in January. I have to pull some stuff just for my own sanity. Yeah. I'm going to try to take a vacation first one ever. We'll see how that works. I don't fucking know how to do it. You going on a trip? Not far, but I can't go too far. All right, all right. With this next shit, but I will. You going with your phone? Yeah, I'm bringing both phones. All right.

Wow.