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We might be drunk, we might be drunk As long as we are hanging out, you know we might be drunk Raise a glass, let's talk shit, pep heaps, wrecks and a bit Maybe drunk, we might be drunk, yeah
Hello, welcome to We Might Be Drunk. Yeah, gobble gobble. Look it, I got my grandma's arm fat going.
Look at this. This is a full-on turkey, baby. This is great. We had a Native American, but Sam gave him smallpox, so he's not here. But hey, man, we got our buddy Tom Takar. Hey, what's up, guys? Hilarious comic, also a pilgrim. And both wearing Air Maxes, too. I think we got screwed on this deal. Really? I think you got the nice one. You like this? That looks much more comfortable, yeah. It is pretty comfortable. It's velvet here. Feel that. That's nice. I mean, this is some prime turkey. I knew you were a little...
I felt a little resentful that I got to be Woody and you were Buzz. Oh, yeah. I wanted to be Woody. But I feel like I'm redeemed. I'm back. I mean, I could wear this to bed. It's nice. This is very nice. Is this Amazon, Matt? Oh, he's not listening. All right. I bet it's Amazon. And we got the beer Jew back. I don't even know what we're drinking. What are we doing here? Don't forget Tommy over there. Oh, you got to hook me up, brother. We're doing... Since it's Thanksgiving and it's getting a little colder, we're doing...
Hot apple cider spice hot toddy. A hot apple cider spice toddy. Hey, look at that. Hey, to America. Cheers, boys. So clear up the UTI. Let's do it. I'm shocked you didn't use a little wild turkey. Dude, that is incredible. That's so good. Oh, my God. What makes it, what's giving it that little pop? Oh,
We got the local high honey in there, right? And we heat it up with some cinnamon sticks and star anise. That's what it is. A little bit of orange and a little lemon. That's delightful. I need this rest. And it's caramel apple cider, too. Oh, my God. I've never heard of such a thing. I'm going to drink this when I'm sick. It actually does help. It actually does help if you're feeling under the weather. It'll clear you up. I think one helps. That's like alcoholic talk right there. Every time I do something like that, I'm like, I have a problem.
problem. But I'll do it. I'll be like, I switched to hot toddies. It'll be good. When I had COVID, I was doing shit like that. What? Yeah. Oh, same. Only the last couple days. I couldn't do it. How long did you have COVID for? I had... I didn't have the long. I had the regular COVID, but I had it for like... It was like nine days of it being brutal. And I kept being like, oh, it's great. I'll be like on vacation. I like...
Had booze ready to go. Why do you think you were going to be on vacation? Because I had to take all my spots off. And I was like, oh, this will be great. I watched Mad Men. I watched a bunch of shit. It was great. You watched it top to bottom? I finished it. It took me 10 years to watch Mad Men. Such a good show. It's so good, but it's so...
It's slow. That's why you wanted to drink. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That show makes me want to drink. Dude, it was brutal. I was watching them drink all the time. I was like, that looks so fun, but I couldn't do it. I physically couldn't do it. I don't know how they do it. Yeah. They were doing that on work days. It'd be like 1130 and they would just clink two glasses together and make a deal. Yeah, but you know what? Those were – it made you want to work.
Yeah. Because you're like, oh, I got a meeting. You're like, but we'll have fucking oysters and martinis. I know. It was a better time not knowing when shit was bad. Oh, yeah. Like, they didn't know cigarettes were bad. They didn't know booze was bad. You know, you ate a burger. It was all normal. They must have known it was – you woke up feeling horrible. I don't think you wake up from a hangover at 45 from vodka and you're like, that was probably good. But the smoking they didn't know. I think they thought it was, like, good for you kind of. They were like, yeah, you need a cigarette. Like, in the hospital, you're like –
They're giving it to kids. Come on, have a little. You know, the vibrator was invented because a woman, it was for like female hysteria.
Is that right? Give it a goog. Oh, this guy's not even on the cans. Look that up, Matt. Vibrator was invented for women with hysteria. Because apparently the first doctors would do it manually. Nice. And then after. Really? They got carpal tunnel. Doctor used to be a great gig. Great gig smoking fingering chicks. I don't know. Is that that fun? Just fingering an 80-year-old? Like.
It depends on the patient, I guess. What's her name? Gladys. Fuck. You go to the hospital, it's not usually a bunch of babes in the beds. Yeah, good point. Good point. I don't know. I had an orthodontist when I was a kid and all the nurses were like 11s and he was like some old guy with white hair. But I guess he got to pick the nurses. Yeah, true. That's weird to pick. It's not like being a waitress. Like they kind of have to bring it.
Yeah, that's true. It's weird to go by looks. That's a good point. You need them to be good at what they're doing a little bit. Yeah, read this. What is this? Joseph Granville patented an electro-mechanical vibrator in the early 1880s to relieve muscle aches and doctors soon realized it might be used on other parts of the body. The innovation treatment for hysteria.
Wow. There you go. Same deal with fleshlights? Yes. This man's hysterical. You ever used one? I bought one when I was... I bought one in... You bought one in...
I bought one when I was blackout drunk, which is not true because I remember doing it. But that used to be a bit of my – but this is true. After my – I got engaged when I was like 21. It fell apart. I went to – I moved back to my hometown. I became – I started drinking all the time. And my house was like a five-minute walk from the bar. And along that walk was a porn store. Of course. It was called College Books because students would go there, buy porn, and they didn't want their parents' credit card. Wow.
It's smart, but I bought an $8 fake vagina and they told me to buy lube and I was broke at the time. I was like, fuck your upsells or whatever. I got it back to my place and it was disgusting. And so I tried. Got third degree burns on your cock trying to fuck it. It was painful. It looked like one of those tubes.
It's like got the gel in it or whatever that you win at like the carnival or whatever. And I didn't – I couldn't do it and then I rolled it up into a towel and forgot about it. And then when me and my buddy were moving, it was in my dresser and it – the drawer fell out. I was moving with his dad and it fell out and it fell – the towel fell on the ground.
on the driveway and the fucking thing unrolled and the fake vagina just rolled down into the driveway and he just didn't say anything. Damn. Only real vaginas can make such a graceful exit. Right. Wow. Yeah, I mean...
I'm guilty of fucking everything in the house as a kid. Really? Like the couch, the bed, the foods, all kinds of shit. Anything that like was like looked like a hole. That was it. You'd be like, oh, that's cool. Like even like in fences. Yeah. You're like, oh, I bet my kids stick it in there. Exactly. Paper towels.
holder that was a big one paper towel holder seems like it'll be great too because you could just put like a napkin at the end of it yeah clean up and you throw it away but it's just too bad they should make paper towel holders like the the thing like softer yeah i know right yeah bounty get on that shit yeah the quilted quicker picker upper act like it you know i remember watching scared straight when i was younger and there was one guy like i can make the best pussy you ever felt
paper towel roll wet paper towels a couple of this little that like some jelly this and that he's like you will never need a woman again you're like you've been in here 30 years you're just gay it's all right since we got a profoundly flesh roll my husband loves changing yeah this is good and it gives you something to do with the roll because you gotta just throw that away it's over yeah this is like it's good for the environment it's green that's true yeah that's
There you go. The guy who makes the vagina, that's pretty rough. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, because you're like, what are you using? Like, what is your test? Like, yeah, what is your research? It's not a lab, it's just you. You're the dude. You don't have people being like, you're not fucking trying it on mice. Right. You're the lab. You think you'd go gay? How long would it take in prison to do the shower sex?
Not like put on you. I know some guys will pin you up against the wall. I think I would just jerk off. Really? I would just try to find like a nook and jerk off. You say that, but after seven years. What crime did I commit here? I will say grand theft auto. Grand theft auto? So you're in there for a good 15. How long would it, I mean, it's nothing, it's not like I'm anti-gay. I just don't think, I don't think I do it. I don't know. I don't know, but you ever in a class, in college, you're like, oh, there's no hot girls in this class. Then you, by the third week, you're like, well.
you know, sure, she's on a rascal, but she's got nice eyes. And then he just started, it just starts weaning you down, you know? What casino did you go to college in? Yeah, Boy, he gets on university. I think in between the thumbprint and getting booked, I'd go gay. Right, right, immediately in the mugshot. I mean, look who knows. Yeah, you don't know, but...
I think I would just like hope to get magazines. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You know, they said cigarettes were the number one currency in jail and now it's ramen noodle.
What? Yeah. Why is that? Why is that? I don't know. I guess you'd rather eat than smoke. Yeah, but you'd think it would be a better food or something at least. I know. Isn't that like the shittiest food? Well, you're not getting, you know, Cheddar Bay Biscuits in there. People will do the seasoning and just eat them raw. I used to do that. Yeah, I've done that. In Squid Game, they're doing that.
Have you seen Squid Game yet? Yeah. The guy's just eating the ramen dry like a snack with the thing. People love that. It looks terrible. Yeah. I'd give it a shot. Yeah, yeah. I'm a big Cup of Noodles fan. This is fantastic. Killed it again. I'm going to warn you. I might fly through these. I got more than enough.
Nice. I got to say, out of the gate, I got to say that I love that you're wearing a Carmela Soprano shirt. Yeah, yeah. It's my buddy's, this band Wild Pink. Check them out. Oh, nice. Yeah. Is that their logo, Carmela? They just put that on their shirt and I was like, that is brilliant because I like this music. And then I was like, oh, but I fucking love that shirt.
Tommy! You don't even need to. Yeah, yeah. There we go. Still the best show. Oh, it's so good. Mad Men and Sopranos. This is a We Might Be Drunk episode if we're talking about those two shows. Yeah, that's true. Oh, so good. Somebody made a drinking game out of our show. So it's a Rodney impression. I fart. I burp. You- Somebody watching a movie with my girlfriend. I was like, what the hell do I do? I'm tired from the road. I just watch movies. Mark gives hobo advice. Yeah.
A lot of Mark's wrecks. Mark talks about banging someone on a scooter. So many of Mark's wrecks have turned into like, it's like steel toilet paper and you can get free copper off the railroad tracks. Mark's still stealing despite making a ton of money. Mark's doing great on the road. It's a hobby.
It's like Kanye stealing the OnlyFans thing. Wait, what did he do? Kanye steals OnlyFans off of Reddit, he said. He doesn't pay for OnlyFans. It's like you got to act poor to stay rich. Hey. Mark's on the tip. There you go. Yeah, but also you don't. Kanye's got billions, I think, right? Billions. I mean, he doesn't need. He can pay for OnlyFans. I think he just probably doesn't respect porn. No, he's just an asshole. I think that's what it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. But-
I mean, I've never paid. I'm a Dramamine guy at the airport because it helps me sleep on the plane. It's like $18. It's for motion sickness. I know, but it's so drowsy. Yeah.
So it's like Benadryl, something like that. Yeah, yeah. But you don't get a hangover from it or anything, so I pop a couple Drammine on a plane. But they're like $18 for a little tube. It's crazy. Because it's the Hudson News, so they upsell everything, upcharge. And I've never paid for one. Wow. You just swipe it from the airport? Every time. You swipe it? Every time.
I thought about you the other day because I saw someone get busted for shoplifting at the airport. What happened? And it was so embarrassing. I don't know what they stole. It might have been like a bag or something. It was an old woman. Whoa. And she just like four cops are surrounding her and it looked so embarrassing. They're like, we got to make it even with the police brutality of an old white woman. Wow, see. That's what they do now. She probably don't look racist. They beat up old ladies. She probably lost her edge though. You lose your wits about you when you get that old. You got to stay calm.
In the pocket when you're stealing. Even if it is the Hudson News, you got to really be, they got to finesse. I think about doing it all the time, especially at the like the food places where you're just, it's self-pay or whatever. I'm always like, I could just walk. I think I've done, I did it with coffee once just to feel something, you know, because I can, you know, I got it. I can pay for coffee, but it's fun to get away with something. Exactly. Because they're already overcharging your ass on everything else. So fuck it. You know, you're going to charge me for a bag now.
JetBlue, blow me. I'm feeling this Dramamine. But what I do is- It's not them though. It's the airport, isn't it? They're all in cahoots. You take like a wrap. Those wraps are like $9. It should be two. And then I put a napkin over it. It kind of looks like a receipt. Then you play with it under the self-checkout. You go, ooh.
You know, you just kind of wave it around. Now you're saying it's a money thing. I think you do enjoy the stealing. I do. I'm getting one over on him. Yeah. It's nice to get a little back. I do that. I know you hop turnstiles. Oh, yeah. There's nothing more satisfying than hopping it as the train comes. It is bad.
After COVID, I was like, oh, I don't use the train as much as I used to. I'm not buying a monthly anymore. Fuck that. No. No. And my stop, because I live in Bed-Stuy, so people will just be holding the door open all the time. Oh, yeah. And I roll through there, and I'm like, every time I'm like- But they're criminals. Yep, yep. I love it. You feel like the coolest white guy, too, when you're holding the door open, and all these black guys are coming in, and you're like, yeah, yeah.
one of the good ones it is brutal to get busted for it though i had to pay the hundred bucks once me too and i was just holding the door open for a buddy who was trying to pay the machines were all fucked up and they still got us we got the only time i've ever gotten a ticket from i've been handcuffed a couple of times but the only time i've actually gotten a ticket was uh i was with my friend dan who bartends at the cellar now we were kids yeah walking down the street and uh
We're just drinking on the street and these cops gave us summons and Dan's gotten a million of them. So he's laughing. They're just like, all right, well, now that you've had the ticket, you can finish the beer. And Dan goes, yeah, I know the deal. I love that because I hate that they do that shit. I got a drinking ticket. It's not a big crime if you can finish the crime. I got a drinking ticket. I think I'm the only person who got a public drinking ticket during COVID because I was at my friend's backyard. I was walking with the Coors.
It was like 10 o'clock at night. I'm at my apartment. I'm like outside the door of my apartment. And this cop goes, is that a beer? And I was like, yes. Who cares? What kind of square cop is this guy? He fucking like gets in my face. And I was like, you know, I was a little toasty. And I was like, I was like, put on a mask, man. You're in my, you're getting in my fucking face. And he was like, where's your mask? Where's your mask? And I was like, I didn't know you were.
gonna fucking bum rush me i'm alone in the street i don't need a mask but uh then he hassles me for fucking 30 minutes i'm outside of my door and i'm like dude it's a 25 ticket just give me the fucking ticket and move on and he's like how many ounces what's the percent of alcohol how many ounces it's a fucking course who cares yeah and then it's a it's the same fine no matter how many ounces it is it's 25 bucks
It's absent. It's absent if you fucking pay. It's three grand. What is this, the airport? We got to do ounces now? It was insane. And then he goes, I had two more unopened cores. And he goes, you can keep those. And I was like, yeah, I know. It's my property. What are you talking about? Jesus. He made me dump out the cores in front of him. I was so pissed. I had the same thing. Because I thought COVID made beer legal outdoors. I thought so, too.
Yeah, because we were all drinking in the village. We're doing the sidewalk. It's so weird that you can do a sidewalk cafe and drink beer. But if you're two feet from the sidewalk cafe. Yeah. Remember Russ Meneve used to do the joke about you can drink in the garbage bag. The alcohol in the garbage bag, but you can't do it outside. He's like, by the way, you can't just like fuck a prostitute in a hefty bag. What are you doing here? Not so fast, officer. Just taking out the trash. Yeah.
That's hilarious. Ross Meneve. Ross Meneve's got some bangers. Killer jokes, yeah. Another classic, he goes, I have bad luck with women. My last four pregnant girlfriends died in sailing accidents. That's hilarious.
That's a great joke. Wow. That's really good. Smart. Russ has some bangers. Yeah, I think he's got an album out there. Check out Russ. Straight Doggy Style. Is that it? Yeah, that's what it's called. Wow. That didn't age well. But I got hassled by a cop on the Lower East Side once. I had a couple of beers on me and I was drinking with my ex-girlfriend and he did the whole like, oh, you guys drinking? And we're like, uh, no. And he's like, what's that? And I was like, ah, it's a beer. And he goes, well, why'd you lie to me? And I was like, because you're a cop. I didn't want to
I didn't want to get in trouble. Why do you think I would lie to you? I'm not a jerk. It's like – It happened to us when we were kids too. We were smoking weed in the street. I'm rolling a joint on like a stoop and these cops –
my friends are all fucking cowards. So they, I'm like, I, we all, what are we doing? So we, they run and they're faster to notice the cops. I'm like, fuck, I'm trapped with two of my friends and the cops are questioning us. And of course I'm thinking, so I had two bags of weed at the time. I just fucking threw them in the sewer real quick. I'm like, yeah, it was better than what I would have happened back then, you know? Yeah. And, uh,
You know, and I had cigarettes on me too, thank God. So they're just like, what are you doing? I was like, oh, I didn't know it was against the law to smoke cigarettes, officer. And he's like, why did all your friends run? I was like, because of the movies. And he was like, he was like the nicest cop I've ever met. He was like, oh, he's like a nice Irish guy. He's like, all right. And he's like, well, I was like, can I smoke cigarettes? He's like, of course. And have a good evening. He was like that nice.
nice wow yeah that is nice my friends were like you fucking talked your way out of it i was like i mean we only had cigarettes on us yeah we're gonna bust this for man you're like the the narcotics guy you got weed cigarettes and booze you got all the stuff you got uh what's that what's the word for that cbs no no uh contraband that's the word i was looking for contraband whatever that means
I do need a refill here. Yeah, I'm making a triple. That's what I'm about to do right now. I'm going to get up some more cider. Yeah! Is the microwave being used in this? We got a little kettle too. Happy holidays. Hot cider, dude. It's the move. Oh, yeah. Last year, me and my buddies got like a cabin or like a little house in Vermont, and we were buying all this organic cider on the side of the road. Oh, yeah. I would take it back to the place and put bourbon in it and heat it up. Oh, my God. Woo!
Incredible. Nothing like a cabin with the gang. It's nice with your pals. You're in a cabin. You ski all day and you drink all night. Do you actually like that? I feel like you wouldn't like that. I did it with Kreischer and Ari and Ranazizi. A couple of guys last year, we went skiing and then we did a show at night. I was about to say, I feel like you'd still find a spot in the middle of nowhere. We did, yeah. We went to Wise Guys, but then we go to Park City and ski all day. It was great. You like a cabin when it's all comics. We're all hungry to do a set as well.
You still went to work. I'm talking like three days. Like we're doing mushrooms. He would hate that though. That's not your thing. Yeah, I did mushrooms too. And it helped having the stand up in the middle. But Mark can't shut it off. I get it. I feel guilty. Like if I take a day or two off. But it's like sometimes it's nice when everybody's just like, no, fuck it. We're all committing. We're just going to be here. Get drunk. Smoke weed.
Do mushrooms and do nothing. And it's great. And you just laugh the hardest you've ever laughed. It's the best time. Terrified to do mushrooms. Oh, you got to do it. Oh, you got to do it. We got to do it on air. You never done mushrooms? We should do it on the pod. No, no way. I did it for the first time during the pandemic. I don't react well to weed. Are you kidding me? I don't either. I like weed. I like alcohol because it quiets the stutter. I got some micro dose. We can start you with one. See how you feel. Then keep going. And the whole thing lasts four hours.
That's what's great about mushrooms. No hangover? You mean just a little longer than the movie Titanic? Wow. That's it? We can do two episodes and you'd be sober. I think this is great. I think this is a great idea. The fans would love it. Because I'm not a big weed guy either. It makes me too crazy. I get scared. Mushrooms are way more fun because your whole body's into it. You look at a tree for an hour. You're like, this is great. Yeah.
But I only did like 2.2 grams or whatever. So it's like not a ton, you know, or like even a gram and a half or something like that. I'm doing little. I'll bring in some gummies. And by the way, we got to celebrate because somebody gave me a bunch of mushrooms and I threw them in my bag. I forgot about it. I've been traveling with mushrooms for six months. I forgot about it. Isn't that the TSA bullshit? I fly with weed on accident all the time. They don't care. They can't give a gun.
And I've been flying with a gun for the last one, too. We got to celebrate, man. Yeah, we got to celebrate. We'll bring a gun in. We'll bring a gun and we'll shoot it up in the air. We'll do drugs and bring guns. Russian roulette. Russian roulette, yeah. It's weird now. I did the Alec Baldwin thing. Every time I watch like – you watch like Malcolm X when Denzel does the Russian roulette and you're like, someone could have blown their head off during the scene. Yeah. Yeah.
I'm shocked this shit doesn't happen earlier. Like the gun thing, like the Travis Scott thing, the people got crushed. Yeah. I'm like, how has that not happened a million times? Mostly because we don't have that big a fan base. Well, that too, yeah. That's why I don't sell so many tickets. We lose nine fans. It's going to financially impact us.
That's true. We'll notice it. We'll feel a dip. But I'm just saying like all these like heavy metal and all this shit, like you'd think that would happen all the time. Like there's mosh pits where people just swing at each other. It's so stupid. It's shocking. It's the first time that's happened. I hate shit like that. That's why I don't – I like live – like I would go to live music that was like not at all
like that. Heavy metal was like, I don't want to be like bumping up. Yeah. COVID aside, I don't want to be that close to someone. I don't want to be. I don't like the invasion of your space. No. And they're like actively trying to, you know, bump each other and swing at each other. I don't get it at all. I don't get it either. And I like some like shit that's a little bit hard sometimes. And I stand in the very back. Yeah. Because I'm like, I don't need to be part of that shit. No, that's silly. That's some 18-year-old shit. Yeah, yeah.
And then you're like, well, if that's who the music is for, then it might not be for us. Right, right. Give me something to break. That's a weird lifestyle. It'd be great if they just get on stage and start beating the shit out of him. Give me something to break. I'm going to do Joe. Yeah, Thanksgiving. No, it's going to be a good one. Oh, it's going to be a good one. Are we releasing this on Thanksgiving Day or are we going to do Sunday? It'd be kind of fun to drop this on Thanksgiving Day. What do you think, Peters? We can throw it out early. What do you think?
I don't know. Whatever Sunday that is. So this is before Thanksgiving or the Sunday after? This would be the Sunday after. So it would be nice to throw it out on Thanksgiving Day to give the people that don't have family to be with something to listen to. As a podcast fan. Oh, we can do that. We can do the Sunday before. What do you think, Mark? Yeah, that's not bad. Maybe the Monday. I don't know. Just give it a little closer to Thanksgiving. But I don't want to piss off the fans with a day late. Again.
Who gives a shit? Yeah, it's all the same. It's free. Fuck them. Not fuck the fans, but fuck their anger is what I'm saying. It's free. I think about that with my pod all the time. I'm like, I'm making so little money to do this. If you're mad at me, I'm doing this for just the labor of love. Exactly. Yours is fun. Stand by your band. I did that. Yeah, Leonard Cohen. I did Leonard Cohen. It was so fun. I got a ton of shit. You? Leonard Cohen? Get out of here.
Same as a young Leonard Cohen. Yeah. Good teacher. Really seems to care. It's such a great premise. It's a great idea for us. Yeah, it's fun. You're going to come to the podcast, Mark. Who would you do, Mark? Who would you defend musically? Who do you get made fun of for liking? I love Van Morrison. Really? And everybody calls me a cheese dick because he's so sappy and lovey-dovey, but I love him. I got Van Morrison on my pre-show playlist. Oh, nice. Baby, Please Don't Go. Wow. Ooh, that's good. I like Jackson Brown. Baby, Please Don't Go. I like talking heads.
Talking heads? You were talking heads? Oh, I love talking heads. Have you seen American Utopia? Dude, no. The David Byrne show? You got to go see it. Are you kidding me? I should go see that. Schumer hasn't told you to see that yet? She said it was great. Seinfeld loved it, too. Oh, it's incredible. I think he's the coolest guy there's ever been, maybe. I think he's so fucking cool. Yeah. Me and Tommy McNamara, the co-host of my pod. I know Tommy. Is he kidding me? Yeah, yeah. We went on Josh. His basketball videos on Twitter are hilarious. Can we pull up one of his basketball videos? Pull him up, and I'm
I'm pissed about the last one that he got cooking because I shot it but I had the best basketball day of my life that day I could not miss that one fucking video of me nobody does you and I we cooked uh we cooked Goldman that day man wow Goldman's good yeah Goldman's very good but we we were on we had Tom had his three ball going I got the three ball going I had my bank shot locked oh it's nasty yeah couldn't handle it Sammy Koppelman was there too Sammy's good yeah that was a
fun day we gotta get back out there i talked to goldman he was like oh i play at six in the morning in harlem and i was like i can't fucking do that oh come on i know his texture like meet me at 1 45th at 7 30 in the morning i'm like none of those things are doable for me right now but no i've never seen this oh my god that's good no this isn't it's tommy mcnamara what is what is this you go to his twitter tommy mcnamara yeah um
Great Twitter. It might be hard to... I don't know. If you just look up Tommy McNamara basketball, you might be able to find it. The problem is Tommy McNamara is also a famous soccer player. Oh, no. Yeah, he's kind of fucked. That's what happened to you. I know, I know. He was Tom Brady. I was Tom Brady. Had to change it up.
Because you could not Google me. Man, now I'm all over the place. I had one drink. I'm all over the place. It happens. There he is. Wow, okay. He hit the rim on one. I love it. The thing is, Tommy is sneakily much better than you would think he would be. But he's doing this on purpose? Yeah.
I don't think he's necessarily doing this on purpose. Let's see some other videos. There's one where he's throwing it behind his head and the ball comes back and smashes his phone and breaks it. And it's great. Oh, I remember that. Yeah, there was more of these. I mean, some of these were hilarious. Maybe I can have him send it to me real fast. Oh, that's not him. No, that's him. That's him. Oh, there it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Saved. Oh, there we go.
It's so funny because he talks so much shit in these two. It's great. You guys got to watch them. They're really fun.
What's the myth now, bitch? I love it. Remember that scene with Philip Seymour Hoffman? R.I.P. Yes. Oh, my God. Along came Polly. It's so funny. Make it rain. Rain drops. I do that all the time. It's one of my favorite comedy bits. Yeah. And it's fucking Philip Seymour Hoffman. I know. The guy had so much range. It's so hard to be funny. Yeah. And that scene is hilarious. Along came Polly. We've all read it.
created it every time he's on the basketball court and miss I wonder how much work he put into that because he clearly put so much work into his but his son is now in the new movie I saw that it's a new PTA right Paul Thomas Anderson movie and one of the ladies from Haim very exciting stuff Haim the band Haim it sounds good I read an interview with him
And he's just a cool guy, Paul Thomas Anderson. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. He's the real deal. I mean, Boogie – although I'll say I think his best movie is Boogie Nights still. Boogie Nights is the most fun by far because like, you know, there will be blood. It's awesome, but it's heavy. It's not fun. Yeah. Boogie Nights is like, this is great. The guy's got a big dick. Philip Seymour Hoffman's gay.
Riley's funny. It's awesome. Dude, it's, uh, it's, uh, yeah, that movie. I knew a guy who was an extra in that movie. Uh, there will be blood. And he was like, yeah, Daniel Day-Lewis did not shut it off. And it was fucking terrifying. That seems brutal. Yeah. Yeah.
Bring me a coffee. Oh my God. He's a little intense. Did you guys talk about this on here where it's like, it's never somebody, if people do that method acting shit, it's always an asshole. It's never like, oh, he was really nice the whole time. That's a good point. No, it's,
It's never like Rob Schneider was a European gigolo the whole shoot. He really was. Yeah. Tom Hanks became Mr. Rogers. It was super cool. He would do a Tom Hanks interview on Bill Simmons pretty good. Oh, yeah? He never does those types of interviews, but pretty cool. I'll listen to that. Bill Simmons is obsessed with castaways. There's a lot about castaways. I love castaways. I didn't know that movie took that long to shoot. Four years or something? What? Were they shot-
They shot the two things separate. I think they shot him heavier first and then on the island. So it was like a year apart, but no movie had done something like that. Wait, they shot him heavier first? See, I would go the other way if I were him. I'd want to bulk up after. And he gets so skinny. Yeah, he does. Yeah, well, he's on the island second, I think. No, he had time to lose all that weight. But that whole year's got to suck now. Yeah, that sucks. I think he also has to grow the beard out. He was shooting another movie at the same time, so they had to reverse it. So it doesn't make sense for his other movies to shoot.
Yeah, it usually goes the other way. You usually have to gain weight for a role. Well, I guess the machinist and Matt Damon have to lose weight. But all the superhero ones, they got to bulk up and stuff. That's true. That's got to be fun. I'm assuming the studio is like, here's a trainer. And you're like, yeah, I would fucking... Oh, yeah. This is part of the pay. This is great. Yeah. I know. I know. It's so hot. Yeah, so hot. And then it's just pictures of him playing video games and stuff. And I was like, I would love that life. Right. Trainer, video games. Yeah.
I know. You don't have to do comedy anymore. Yeah. It's weird how making movies is like one of the only ways people get thin. Because, you know, other people are like, I'm trying to lose weight. It's not easy. But if you put you in a movie, we could do it. Because you'd have to get a trainer and everything. Yeah. They should cast everybody on that like 600-pound life. Just put them in a movie.
do blockbuster film right that show is so depressing I can't watch shit like that I can't either I used to go to Artie Lang's house and we would watch it and Artie narrating that show is maybe the funniest thing of all time he's so fucking funny Artie Lang
He's back and he's doing his podcast again. He's doing his podcast. That's awesome. So go support Artie because I love that guy. I really love that guy. I do too. I'm a fan. And it's not my job. I think it's Ari Maness, but he said, I can't believe Artie Lang outlived Norm MacDonald, which is such a good point. I can't believe Bob Dole outlived Norm MacDonald. Someone else said that, right? I mean, that's crazy.
Terrible. Oh, yeah, because he did Bob Dole. Yeah. Damn. That's crazy. R.I.P. Norman. R.I.P. Favorite of all time. He's your number one? Oh, number one. Number one. I still- Top three for me. If I ever am on the road and I'm like in a fucking mood or whatever, I'm just like, I don't feel like doing anything. I'll just watch him on YouTube for whatever amount of time. Same. Whenever I have something fun or like an important thing to do, I'll watch him just reading The Mangrate. Yeah.
The ads. It's so funny. You just see unfiltered joy that he's doing and making fun of it. Hard for me to top a Teller Dangerfield, just pure jokes. Well, no, those guys are animals. But as far as Googling and like a YouTube wormhole, Norm is hard to beat because he's got the stand-up, he's got the weekend update, he's got the podcast. Maybe the best panel guest. All that shit, yeah. Probably no one's better at panel. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, no doubt about it. It's nonstop. He has so many clips that he's nonstop funny. There's never a moment that you're watching him where you're like, oh, Norm was a little off on this one. He's always funny. It's great. It's amazing. You ever meet people who don't like Norm?
norm they're like oh it drives me nuts and you're like come on dude when he died people were saying oh my god what a fucking idiot you didn't see this it was like an old article it was so stupid it was like a whole article being like I understand that he's good but it doesn't do it for me I'm like yeah you know what that's called instead of an article is uh keeping it to yourself yeah why did you have to and also say that five years ago why'd you do that right after he fucking died not everything needs an ad yeah when people are fucking coping with it it's like okay now I've made something people will click on oh it made me hate him that sucked I know
Yeah, I got a good 10,000 hours for you. Being a fucking human. You can suck my dick for 10,000 hours, bitch. That was the tipping point for me hating Malcolm King. Jesus Christ. I didn't know about that. He's supposed to be a smart guy. Yeah, and it's like, I didn't even finish it because it's like the whole point was like,
I listen to the comedians who do love him and they know more than me. It's like, then why the fuck do you write this? Quit chiming in, you kook. It's like saying, I'm wrong, but here's still what I feel. It's so funny to get pissed off wearing this. Yeah, you don't like him. That's cool. Yeah. I mean, it's not. It's not cool. But it's fine. But you don't have to make it a whole thing. Especially the day after he dies or whatever. Yeah. No tact. Norm was...
The panel god. I mean, there was no one like him. Oh, yeah. At walking that line. And truly, man, Conan doesn't get enough credit for being – I mean, look, everyone knows Conan's great, but like he is incredible at setting you up. He's a point guard. Yes. He's fucking Chris Paul just making you look good out there. He really is. Great straight man. And he would lead you on by looking –
He'd be like, what are you talking about, Norm? And then Norm would keep going. Have you guys listened to the Conan tribute episode? I did, yeah. Oh, my God. That was heavy. But hearing him talk about the moth bit, I immediately – I was listening to it in the car with my lady and I was like, we have to – you have to hear the moth bit now to understand the context of how funny this is. That he's just like – and you – now watching that clip, you watch Norm's eyes because he didn't know he was going to have to do that segment. Oh.
And you talk about it on Conan. He was like – Conan was like, I surprised Norm by being like, we're keeping you for an extra seven minutes. So Norm is – his wheels are spinning because he doesn't know he had to be on for another seven minutes with nothing planned. So he pulls out this fucking joke that he heard Colin Quinn tell, the moth joke, and he has to stretch that bit into seven minutes. You see his eyes moving around. It's incredible. You got to listen to that and then watch it.
That bit, it's so good. Yeah, Conan, he really- He gets comedy. He's so good at keeping the momentum in the air, too. Yes. He'll get jokes in there without taking away from whoever the guest is, which is not easy to do. Yeah. That's true. Yeah. Yeah, Norm's the best. Colin Quinn said, the two funniest hangs are Norm and Spade going out.
Yeah. I mean, you can see it when Spade is on Norm's podcast. It might be the best podcast there's ever been. It's so funny. It's nonstop. And Spade's like, oh, God. But it works. It works. Spade and Norm on Dennis Miller, those episodes are incredible. I've never seen them. They're classic. I didn't see those.
Norm just fucks with them the whole time. It's great. It's pretty funny, man. I wish we'd pull that up, but it would take too long. But yeah. Watch that when you get home. It's a doozy. We got to do some Thanksgiving rankings. I know, you're right. Oh, yeah. This is a Thanksgiving episode. This has been not Thanksgiving at all. I mean, we're dressed as pilgrims for fuck's sake. Mark's a turkey. We're just getting fired up. We're dressed as this. Here's another thing about cancel culture. We're dressed like this. Yeah, right? Yeah.
More white men need to weigh in on cancel culture. I've always said that. When is a white guy finally going to talk about people getting canceled? As a turkey, I'm offended. It's always as a woman, as a black guy. No one gets canceled more than turkeys. That's true. Only one gets pardoned every year or whatever. Right. It's kind of fucked up. Yeah. It's got to be fucked up for that. Yeah, all his friends are dead. That's going to be a Pixar movie. The turkey pardon. He's like, mom, dad.
Yeah, it's torture. You're like, you get to live, but you have to watch everybody die. Yeah, turkey may be the best sandwich meat. You think so? Interesting. I'm going to go pastrami on that one. Whoa, pastrami though. It's so heavy. It's a day ender. It's true. It's a day ender. It depends on how you do it. Because this is a, this is, I was going to, I was maybe going to do this as a rec even because I bought yesterday, I bought turkey and I bought pastrami.
I put like one slice of pastrami on some bread and it's incredible. The problem with ordering pastrami at a restaurant is they give you a stack of it. Yes, that's right. And yeah, it fucks up your day. Pastrami Reuben or pastrami melt? Oh, baby. Pastrami with egg.
and cheese in the morning. Whoa, that is good. It's so good. Dude, you're going to give me a heart attack just talking about it. I know. I mean, if you go to like one of those classic cats' or any of those classic delis and you get like corned beef or pastrami, it's – But if I'm going like normal day, yeah, turkey with a little cheddar mayo, that's a classic New York sandwich or I'll do a little – even a turkey burger, chicken breast. I like to go a little lighter because it's like usually a lunch type thing. Yeah, exactly. I'm trash so I –
when I'm trying to lose weight, I just buy turkey and I just eat the turkey. No sandwich, no bread. I just eat loose turkey and that's my meal. I go to the grocery store and I want the turkey breast shit. I don't want that bullshit processed nitrate shit. Yeah, yeah. I want the real turkey. You get the slicer guy? I get the slicer guy. Oh, I love the slicer guy.
I didn't start doing that until like two years ago. I walked by. I have to sell this team for that. Dude, it feels incredible. It'll change your life. All right. You ask the guy, you just confidently order, and he does it, and you're like, what the fuck did I just do? But isn't it like $800 for a sliced turkey? No, it's not. It's like the same shit, basically. It's slightly more expensive than doing like Hormel or some shit. That's what I do, the Hormel. Hormel is trash. You gotta stop the Hormel. I'm a Hormel.
It's fucking $3 more. You have money, man. All right. You know what I love about pastrami and the turkey is those ends. I love that flavorful end. I want to just eat the ends. Because they season the fuck out of them, too. Oh, it's so good. All right.
I do that salsalito turkey. It's so good, man. I do love a little pepper turkey, a little honey turkey. Honey turkey. Honey turkey all day. Honey turkey. All day. With a little, I'll mix up the cheeses. I'll get a little fuck. Sometimes I'll do Gouda. Sometimes I'll do cheddar. Sometimes I'll do fucking Swiss. I don't fuck with the cheese. Monster. Monster. Are we going to melt it? Good show. Monster's like the William H. Macy of cheeses. Always delivers, but it's not talked about enough. Yeah. Hear, hear.
Also married a criminal. Yeah, he wasn't a criminal at all. It's funny you see that scene in Fargo and you're like, oh, this is like his life. Oh my God, you're right. I didn't think about that. Wait a minute, he married a criminal? No, his wife went to jail, remember? Oh, right, right, right. The doc about that is incredible, by the way. There's a doc about that on Netflix. It is so fucking good. Damn, they pump docs out quick.
I know. Something happens as a doc about it. Dude, they have all this real tape from the people who are talking to that guy who was fixing the college, like, what do you call it? Like, who was fixing their shit to get them in or whatever. They have him talking about, like, yeah, and we'll just pretend they're on the diving team or whatever. They have
The audio. And you hear the people getting nervous on the phone. They're like, I don't really want to talk about this that much on the phone. Whoa. But, you know, you know what the deal is. And it's like they have all the audio. It's insane. That's terrifying. I got to find the name of this. I just plausible and they're like, Jews. You're like, what? Jesus.
Yikes. Yeah, Lori Loughlin, man. She's aged incredibly well. Oh, she's hot. So is John Stamos. Whatever's in that full house of water. Bob Saget doesn't look bad either. Bob Saget looks good. I know. Coolier looks all right. They look all right. Yeah. Have you actually seen Coolier in a minute? No, I haven't.
I was just yes anding, Mark. I don't know what he's talking about. No, I just think probably being rich for 30 years helps. That's, yeah, Chris Rock said rich is the best lotion. Yeah. It keeps you looking good. Stamos looks insane. It's crazy. Would you? He's so fucking hot, man. I'd fuck him in the ass. You'd fuck Stamos? Wait, what was I going to say about, oh, the Lori Loughlin thing bugs me a little because I thought that was part
of getting making it in america was you get you know you get little perks like free college what's the difference between going to usc and like fucking uc santa barbara like it's all fucking the same shit you're rich anyway your kids are set up like your kids don't even fucking need to go to college like there's ever been a scam she's married to like some massive designer like her money comes from her husband who's a designer is that right who's the husband
Look, I don't know. Pull it up, man. I don't know. Mossimo? Mossimo. What? That guy? Yeah. I had those cargo shorts. I forgot about Mossimo. Is that the same guy? That's like the Target designer. Isn't that the Target brand? Yeah, it is. I love the Target brand. Me too. They're fucking beyond loaded. That's the point. The point is like when your life is already a shortcut, you don't need more shortcuts. I see. I think that's the point they're making. I see. But is that jail-worthy?
I mean, what'd she do? Two months in a fucking... Yeah, it's not like it was real jail. Her prison was like being in Delta One. It was still fine. I mean, you're in the air, but you get a good seat. They're bringing you snacks. Yeah.
You still are getting free bourbon and shit. You probably, you probably, it's probably like, you probably like getting healthy. You're probably like, I'll do yoga. I'll do Pilates. Sometimes it does seem like it would be nice to go to jail for like that type of prison for like a month where you're like, well, every day I'm going to work out. I'm going to be so fucking bored. Might read a couple books. Yeah. It's the same as like getting
like a spa or a trainer. You gotta go in and get in shape. You know, you can't watch TV. You can't look at your phone. It's like almost good for you. It's like a retreat. And you don't get to eat snacks and shit. You can't drink. This is all being said, I don't want to go to prison. But if you have to go, this is the way to go. Bring them in, boy! No, but it really is...
I don't know, man. Here's the thing. It's like people are – they're sacrificial lambs, you know? That's true. I mean, she was made an example of, you know, in bad time to be super privileged and not really be like, yeah, I fucked – it's hard. It's also hard though when you're the sacrificial person to be like, I fucked up because you usually are made an example of. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. Yeah.
They know that and their lawyer tells them that and they go, all right, all right, fine. Look, you're a hot white woman in her 50s. You're rich as fuck. It's the height of BLM. It looks good. It's optics. Yeah. A lot of things are optics. Yeah. We're learning. I mean, still, better to be Lori Loughlin than George Floyd. Let's be real. Am I being crazy? She got off easy. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. How's she doing? Is she out? When are we going to get the Lori Loughlin prison porn? That's next. Oh, man. I want to see it. I want to see it. It's called Full House. All right.
That's actually the new season of Orange is the New Black is exactly that. Yeah, dude. That'd be a great 80s movie, too, with a husband's annoyed with his kids and his wife, and he's like, I'll go to jail. Yeah. I'll get away. Yeah. Oh, that sounds like an 80s movie. It does, yeah. What's his name? What's the guy who was in Soul Man?
Oh, see Thomas Howell. See Thomas Howell. Dude, we were just talking about that. That movie. Did you guys watch that when you were kids? Of course. Of course. Did you think it fucking ruled when you were a kid? It was great. I remember being like, this is hilarious. And then you grow up and you're like, this is not a good film. This is crazy. And I'm shocked it was made even in the 80s. It was too late. This is backward for the 80s.
You got that right. You're doing blackface? It's part of an experiment. I'm like, yeah, but you can't do blackface. This is... That really probably... Have you seen C. Thomas Howell lately? He looks great. No, no. He's aged well. Pull up C. Thomas Howell. Really? He's in box. I think apparently blackface is good for your skin. So...
Being rich and blackface. Yes. That would be fucked up if you're like, it's actually the best thing for your skin. Well, that's what J-Lo does. Those charcoal masks. Those charcoal, they look like blackface. I see my girlfriend, I'm like, this is not acceptable. Yeah. Was it Kyle Dunnigan? Holy shit. He looks pretty good. He looks great. Yeah, he's not bad. Full head of hair. Yep. That'll do it. That's not a good picture of him. He actually looks good. I mean, he's on, he's got good hair. Yeah. I mean, look at that fucking hair. Look at him. See, that's like, he's done up there, but he looks good there. He looks better than Anthony
Michael Hall. Look at him. He's a handsome man. Man, that Outsiders is just a hunk fest, huh? Matt Dillon. Oh, yeah. Matt Dillon, Tom Cruise, Patrick Swayze, Rob Lowe. I mean, the list goes on. Remember Matt Fultron's joke? He's like, yo, this girl invited me over to watch Dirty Dancing 2 Havana Nights. And I go, yo, no Swayze, no Waze. Yeah.
He has a couple lines. He has some of the dumbest jokes that make me laugh. I love his... He makes me laugh. He has that line where he's like, you know, they say you catch more flies with honey, but you catch more honeys when you're fly. It's just watching him do that. You got to see a picture of him to see how funny that is. He's such a... I love that. He's a cool guy. Dude, uh...
Let's rank some fucking. Yeah, Thanksgiving. Let's rank some Thanksgivings. And hey, man, we appreciate you guys on Thanksgiving. We're thankful for you guys listening. And we hope you're having a good Thanksgiving because this is an American, an important American holiday. I agree. And it's a purely American. Very, yeah. We came in, we killed the Choctaw and we ate. Woo!
How long are we going to be allowed to do this holiday? Is this going to be like Columbus Day? Are they going to take this one away? I think this might be the last one. It's like right on the fucking end. The problem is there's no one to put it on. Like Columbus, you put it on Columbus or whatever. This is just pilgrims and food. My family goes hard. We wore a Redskins jersey. This is crazy. These are perfect. I love how we're dressed. This is great. This is fun. Gobble, gobble.
I've never done deviled eggs for Thanksgiving. I got to be honest. Oh, my God. I got to tell you, I grew up being like, fuck deviled eggs. And then I got a little older and had like a good one. And I was like, oh, my God. These are way up there for me. I've never had them. I don't think it was a Thanksgiving side. But yeah, if they were, they're in the conversation. Come on. Yeah. They go a long way. I love them. You can't eat too many, though, because...
You will yak yellow. Yeah, and your shit's going to be all fucked up. You don't want that. All right, what else you got here, Peters? Yeah, because you can't rank them until we've seen all of them, right? Uh-huh. Wow, you're going full PowerPoint on this motherfucker. Jesus. Brussels sprouts. I love Brussels sprouts. Again, I don't think of them as Thanksgiving things. Yeah, I've never had a Brussels sprout on Thanksgiving. But a crispy Brussels sprout. Love it. Especially when you throw some fucking pork in there, like bacon or something. Oh, so good. I will say this about Brussels sprouts. A little too thick.
There's a little too much bite in there that I would prefer it was a little thinner. Yeah, no, I hear you. Yes, there you go. Oh, no, I fucking roast Brussels sprouts. I love them. As far as, like, bringing them to Thanksgiving, I feel like that's what your aunt who's on, like, a health kick brings. It ain't fun. It's like the cool aunt brings, like, mashed potatoes with cheese and, like,
This might be number one for me. Really? I got a bone to pick with this. Marshmallow yams? The marshmallows are too much. It's once a year. It's too much. The marshmallows are too much. I agree. This is a speedball. We already got sweet potato, and now we're going to put on marshmallow? Get out of here. I would love if it was just a sweet potato. Yeah, but the marshmallow, it makes me sick. You know what, Mark? It's not a fucking healthy day. It's a decadent holiday. I'm not trying to be healthy, but you're putting marshmallows on a savory vegetable? Come on. I don't like it because I'm...
I'm getting my sugar by I'm drinking a bottle of wine that day. That's a day where I'm drinking red wine all day. Having marshmallows on top, I'm like, I'm going to have a fucking sugar crash. And there's an apple pie coming later with a scoop of ice cream. It's too much. You're all making good points. And I'm still fucking going hard for the yams, brother. I like the yams. Get the marshmallow out. That's all I want. What's next? We're going to put some Reese's Pieces on top of green beans? Where does it end? Now, that's not a bad idea. You can't put candy on it. That sounds good. Ah.
My brother used to babysit me and he would make pasta and just throw M&M's in there. That's a vegetable in Indiana. That's the mashed potatoes and Twix. It's too much. Someone handed me a Twix on stage because I ranked the number one in the Halloween rankings. A woman in the front row just handed me a Twix. I was like, all right. I love that you did that. Twix is underrated. Twix is fucking good. So good. Twix. That's a song called
Oh, I mean, mac and cheese is in the top three. This is probably number one for me because my mom puts shrimp in it. Whoa! Okay, now we're talking. I think mac and cheese on its own without like a breadcrumb crunch is highly overrated. You need something in there. If it's just a floppy mac and cheese without any fucking fun there, it's like saggy titties. You're like, what's going on here? Still good. There's no texture. Still good.
But there's no texture. Yeah. They both look like an elbow noodle. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I get it. You can still eat them. I'll suck on both of them, but afterwards I'll be like, I wish there was some crunch. You can still eat them when you're 90. Yeah. Yeah.
All right, I like that. Now, gravy to me, I can't eat Thanksgiving without gravy. I need extra gravy. Double down on the gravy. But is it a side? No. No, because you're not just eating gravy. Speak for yourself. But no, I'm with you. You're not eating gravy alone. It's got to be on the turkey and on the mashed potatoes and all that shit and on my asshole. I'm with you. Turkey can be a little dry. You can throw some cranberry juice on there.
Cranberry juice and sauce. Cranberry sauce juice. We're drinking cranberry juice right now. Speaking of which, skip the wine. Drink hot toddies this year. Dude, I'm getting this recipe from you, brother. My family never did cornbread for Thanksgiving either, but I mean, I love this. This feels like a southern type of. Yeah. And I will say, like, cornbread is incredible. I mean, I can't knock it ever. Cornbread is so good. You ever have like a jalapeno cornbread? Oh, my God. I love it.
There's a restaurant in Brooklyn that does that. It's so good. There was like a southern, like maybe New Orleans inspired restaurant in Brooklyn that does jalapeno cornbread that is fucking incredible. I mean, it's incredible. Some of them do a cheese and jalapeno and that's pretty great. Yeah. I mean, it's hard to knock.
Is this, what is this? Stuffing? Stuffing. It doesn't look like, I mean, hey man, stuffing for me might be number one. I agree with you entirely. With the gravy? It sucks for me. I love stuffing. Last? Don't fuck with stuffing. There's always too much onion in it. I don't like onions, so it fucks me up. Sometimes you get some like walnuts and sausage in that stuffing. Oh yeah.
Dude, I'm a stuffing for me is probably one. Me too. With gravy. My mom does oyster stuffing. It's a game changer. Oh, my God. That's great. Mark. New Orleans food is the best food on the planet. It's the best. But his mom's a cook too. Yeah. Oh, my God. I didn't know that. Holy shit. She's a big foodie whore. She goes nuts.
And now see this I don't need. This is out. What even is this? Is this just cranberry cocktail or some shit? Cranberry sauce, gelatin bullshit. Cranberry sauce is fine, but I'll throw a fucking weird one out here. I'm fine with that prepared bullshit. This is the one thing we can cut corners on. If we're cutting corners, there's not a big difference between high-end cranberry sauce and whatever. Just as long as it doesn't look like the can on the plate. This looks like trash. This is actually jello salad.
Oh, that's disgusting. Strike it from the list. Jesus Christ. Why is it surrounded by cranberries? Why don't I take my false teeth in my retirement community before I blow my neighbor? What the fuck is this? Surrounded by cranberries just so you know that it's not just a prolapse. Yeah, right? This is horrible. That looks terrible. Get rid of it. Put it in the trash. This is what my toilet looks like after Thanksgiving. Thank God for the bidet.
Is this green bean casserole? This is my number one. Yeah, I like this. This is my number one. Stuffing two, mac and cheese three, mashed potato four.
You don't love the green bean? I like this. I could kind of, it's on my lower end. I'm getting a little scoop of this. It's not covering a lot of it. I go big scoops. I like the cream of mushroom sauce, and I like a vegetable. See, I would rather, I like, my mom just does green beans straight up, and I would prefer that. Because I'm like, I need the green on the plate to mix it up. You just want to feel like you're being healthy. I need a couple moments, even though they're covered in butter and shit. It's like, I still would rather. And it's like crunchy onions on top.
Yes. That's a great cold. You don't like that. It's such a decadent, like you're eating so much food this day that you want something green on there that you don't feel like. Exactly. Because I want the bad stuff to be bad. Yeah. I want it to be so bad. I want the good stuff to be a little good. You know what? That might be a fucking divisive. This might be the most polarizing podcast yet, but I'm going to say it right now. The marshmallow crunch on top of those yams gets all the dicks hard and all the pussies wet, dude.
There it is. Let's do it. You heard it here first, folks. I like the sound of that. I disagree, but I like it. That is a cute croissant. Love a croissant. Is this a Thanksgiving? Yes. My mom does these. I've never heard of this on Thanksgiving. Love it. I don't know this either. They call them crescent rolls. Oh.
Indiana. These are great. I'm a big fan. It's just a French spy. I mean, I'm anti-bread on this holiday. What? You're not dipping bread in anything? Stuffing is all bread anyway. Stuffing is all bread. Why do we need more bread? This is where I'm getting my bread because I don't do the stuffing. So these crescent rolls, you can make a little, you can cut them in half, make a tiny little sandwich. It's so good. That sounds pretty nice. Because those are little too. They're not like big. They're little. They're not like big croissant rolls. And they're hollow kind of too. So there's not much there. If we're talking, by the way,
I'm throwing another thing out there as a side. It's not a food. Uh-oh. Side little Thanksgiving movie. Planes, trains, and automobiles. Wait, we'll get to movies. We're doing that. Isn't that a whole thing? We're doing movies. What? I thought we were doing a whole thing on that. Okay, we'll do movies after. Don't worry. Now, there's your cranberry sauce. That's the cranberry sauce. I don't need it. I walk right by it. It's a supporting player, Mark. It's essential. It's not a star. For me, it's like either gravy or this, and I'm taking gravy. Here, here.
Agreed. This one doesn't really do it for me much. I'm against this. I think you can have it all. It's Thanksgiving. This is the day we took everything from a group of people. Let's keep everything. Yeah.
Yeah, that's good, but I'd take the crescent roll over the biscuit. I mean, we can't have this cornbread and this shit. Yeah, it's too much. I would take the cornbread and the crescent roll over this. Biscuits are great. I'm passing on this. My family doesn't do any of this shit, but if I were to rank, I'd go cornbread first. Same. Same. But the thing is, the biscuits hit the table first while everything else is being brought out. You snack on a little butter biscuit, and then you go and grab the cornbread with the rest of the stuff. Got it. Biscuits.
Yeah, I only need one bread. It looks excellent. It looks great. All this shit is crunchy and delightful. I love the layers. But it's like sometimes you're at a barbecue place and they bring shit like this out and you're like, I'm about to eat so much sugar. I know. I don't know if I can handle all this. Exactly. And this type of food, I have to pace myself so much. My stomach gets fucked up so fast now. Yeah. I can't eat like this. So it's like I got to pick one bread and like –
one really fucked up thing and then one girl I can't do all of it it's the same with sex you know sometimes a girl will start jerking you off and you're like you gotta stop I wanna fuck you I'm gonna come you can't blow me don't blow me don't blow me you blow me it's over
I'm like, mom, you don't get this hand job bullshit. Save this for choking me. You can't be. Right, right. Because girls are different. You can do all this foreplay. They can go like five times in a night. But once I come, I'm gay now. I have no interest in women. A baked potato. I mean, look, I'm going to say this right now. You can't ever go wrong with a baked potato. Can't go wrong. You throw some butter and sour cream on there. Woo!
With a chive or a bacon bit or a little cheese. The chive is subtle but excellent. Now, I feel like this is going to come up, but baked potato or mashed potato? That's a good question. I prefer a baked. I think I might go baked. Yeah. I think I'm going to go baked. It's controversial, but a baked potato. There's something about a baked potato. Mashed potato is incredible. It's good.
You have a garlic mashed potato? It's good. But you know what's really good? Throwing that garlic on that baked potato. Now we're talking about you getting the skin. But also there's a combo here where if you get the skin in the mashed potatoes, that's where I like it. Or have you ever done the scooped out baked potato, mash it, put it back in the skin in the oven? The double baked potato. That's how you do it. And you mash it in with some cheese. What?
I got a potato ricer just for this. I'm perfecting my baked potato, mashed potato recipe. Interesting. I like where your head's at. I love it. I never had a private chef growing up, so I didn't have that. That sounds incredible. I'm fine with a baked potato, but we don't really do that. I think maybe mash. I don't know. We only do... Oh, wait. What is this?
That's where it's at. My mom will do these. Now you're tickling my taint here. What is this? That's a scallop potato. Scallop potato's the best. Those are so good. That's actually – That trumps both the other two. That might be the winner. Yeah. That might be the – It's got the cheese, the parsley, the butter, the pepper. I never see these though. Where do you get these? No, my mom makes these. My mom never made these. They're not easy to make, though.
You got to slice them. Yeah, it's a whole thing. Number one. Number one. Potato is fucking incredible, man. Is there a more versatile vegetable than potato? No. Mostly because it's not really a vegetable. It is, but it's one of those vegetables where you're like, this is some imposter bullshit. Yeah, but if you're trying to lose weight and you stick to baked potatoes, you're going to be all right. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought it was a starch. I thought it was heavy. It's a starch, but if you're – like when I was really losing weight, like –
when I was the thinnest I've ever been, I would heat up a fucking potato, cut it in half, and just put a bunch of pepper on it. You're going to be fine. It's so low calorie. A little offensive to the Irish. They missed out on that boat. Yep, yep, yep. They fucked up. What is this? What is this?
This I've never heard of. Cabbage rolls. What is this? Cabbage rolls. This is crazy. Get out of here, you Polack. Is this a fucking five-star restaurant that we're having Thanksgiving dinner at? This is disqualified because it's not a Thanksgiving food, but as just a food, stuffed cabbage is phenomenal. Phenomenal. That looks good, but it's like- We're not eating a basilica. This is Michelin shit. Stuffed cabbage is incredible. It's just not a Thanksgiving food. It's an underrated dish. That's actually what I grew up on.
Corn is... Oh, really? Well, you're a Russian weirdo. I was born in Ukraine. Yeah, I'm a Russian weirdo. That's why I love, like, bread stuffing and green bean casserole because those are, like, wholly American things that I never had growing up. Like, my stuffing was, like, the traditional, like... They looked at myths from the Puritans and they were, like... They used...
and cranberries in there. I never had bread stuff. Okay. But this, we can get rid of this. This is just an everyday. Yeah, you're out on corn? It's a normal side. I don't know if this is Thanksgiving only. I'll tell you, if I'm doing corn these days, I want that fucking Vietnamese corn, that street corn where you throw the spicy mayo on that shit. Oh, yeah. That's like a Mexican thing, though, isn't it? The elote, as I'm into. Yeah, Mexican street corn. Oh, my God, that's incredible.
Yeah, I'm into that shit. Yeah. But yeah, this is not really like, corn is great on Thanksgiving, but it's not like a go-to Thanksgiving. Mostly because a lot of old people are there. No one wants to watch an old person with weird TV corn. That's true. But we're doing the, oh, those are actually like this. Cocktail weenies are not a Thanksgiving food, though. It's an appetizer. That thing goes around. In Indiana, that would be there. It's a classic app. I do like it. But I don't think it's a Thanksgiving food. Nah.
I would hold off and wait for the real meal. Listen, if you come from a broken home and your dad's trying to cook something. That's true. That's true. He's like, your mom will call me back, won't she? Come on. My dad didn't try to cook. The apartment's temporary. I'm going to get a house. I'm not going to live in a motel forever, kiddo. You can trust me. In some countries, this is a deal. Oh, the Green Hulks. Mark. We're all mad at Mark for doing fucking. Fentanyl. Fentanyl. Good holidays.
Good holiday meal, though. Mark, what the fuck? Please never do fentanyl again. Did you actually do fentanyl? Yeah, I did the Green Hulk, but I wasn't planning on it. Is there fentanyl in that? Supposedly. I don't know. It knocked me out for like two days. He was out for 14 hours. Mark, stop doing fentanyl. Well, I got exposed to fentanyl, too. Really? Yeah, and I don't even do drugs like that. What happened? It was Molly mishap.
Uh, and, uh, I, it was supposedly safe. Uh, but it's like, it's, I was like, I don't have any interest in these drugs. I like booze and that's, and mushrooms. Like, yeah, that's it. And you're not at risk. Pills are scary. But I felt like shit, like for days after doing this and I didn't know what it was. And then it turned out it was fucking Fenton. Whoa. Yeah. There you go. Yeah. Little Finny Finny. Well, we're glad to have you here. Ha ha ha.
Be careful, both of you. People are fucking dying from that shit. I know. A lot of people die. Don't do it. I fucking have lost friends to this shit. Don't do it, please. Don't die. No, thank you. So take that off the list. I don't want this podcast to be I might be drunk. It's going to be pretty sad. Put a little fentanyl in the next one. Yeah. I mean, that turkey. There's a tiny bit. That turkey's got a little fentanyl in it. It puts you right to bed. That's great.
all right so that's all the sides we got okay i gave you my top four i think we need you to all the top four is my top four i go stuffing yams uh i mean shit cornbread there you can't hard to leave cornbread off we're doing one and then i probably go uh no i don't consider gravy or cranberry sauce to be a real side those are those are like sauces so uh
Damn, I don't know what else. I don't know what my last one is. What do you guys got? I'm sorry. Green bean stuffing mac and cheese potato. All right. All right. I'm going scallop potato number one. Yeah. That'll be my fourth one. That's number one for me. Sure.
I'm gonna go after that the mac and cheese and my mom puts little shrimpies in there and I put that's part of it for me. Shrimp mac and cheese is incredible. It's so good. It's a great one. Then uh I think I gotta go deviled egg and then I'm closing it out with uh
the old cornbread, I think. That's the beauty of Thanksgiving. It's whatever it is to you, really. There's no wrong answer. I mean, this is... I feel weird. I love deviled eggs. I love Brussels sprouts. I love all that stuff. It's not a Thanksgiving to me. It doesn't ring... See, for me, deviled egg is like, that's only Thanksgiving for me. Really? Yeah, that's like, I'm only eating that on Thanksgiving. Maybe Christmas. Maybe Christmas.
I know, I know. That's like a trendy thing. That's a trendy thing. But when I, growing up, that was a thing. And now it's like, I really do love it. Yeah. Everything else, I just, I like a lot of this stuff, but I don't,
I'm not loading up the plate that hard on Thanksgiving. A lot of this stuff, I get full on mac and cheese and like the potatoes. But yeah, it's not. Well, Tom blacks out by 1130. That's true. I'm drinking a bottle of wine in there. And that's most of my Thanksgiving. Hard not to get drunk on Thanksgiving. You're around family, which expedites the process. Exactly. Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, it's really, it's a great day though. You're around family. It's necessary. It's nice. It's good. And look, if you're one of those people listening and you're not around family, we're sending love. It's nice, but also like I get it, some people can't go home at times. And hey, man, if you can't do the Thanksgiving thing, I think a great substitute for me, Chinese food. Order in Chinese. It's a comfort food. Really?
I'm a Jew. Well, that's what I do. That's my Christmas. On our Christmas episode, I'll be telling you all about that. I do. You best believe I want to go to Knicks games and eat Chinese food. Yeah. That's a good day right there. And I will say, if you can't be with your family, just try a little fentanyl. Yeah. Just kick out for a couple days. Yeah.
Yeah, there you go. The green hope is gone. I will say, though, you can tell how close your family is by how late you eat Thanksgiving. My family has nothing to say to each other, so we're eating Thanksgiving dinner at like 9 a.m. We just got to get something going, you know, because it's so awkward. So we eat dinner early.
Did you get the football on too? Yeah, but my family doesn't like football. Really? In New Orleans? Nah, my parents are a bunch of intellectual nerds. They don't give a shit. My parents don't like it either. I'm the one who throws the game. Yeah, I'm watching football every day.
And this year, I'm not going home because I was just there. I was just at the attic in Indiana. So, I was like, I'll see my mom there, go back for Christmas. You can't go home all the time. Every time. No, no, no. I'm lucky my folks live right behind me, so we're doing it. But, you know, it is weird. I mean, look, I don't see him like I used to given the last year. You just don't see people like you used to. And also, we've been on the road like crazy. Yeah.
Thanksgiving's a special, it's a special day. I know, I can't wait to go back. For what it represents, just like the idea of whether you're with family or not, maybe you're with friends, it's nice. I have distinct memories of being like 12, 13, 14 and coming downstairs and smelling it already being cooked. Your mom's going to town with the apron on and the living room smells up and then you see the plates going out. It's a nice moment. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. It's definitely like – it's fun. It's also my birthday around – because it's always a Thursday around my birthday. Sometimes it lands on it. I'm always like this is going to be great because it's almost like Christmas for me where it's like I'm getting gifts on top of the dinner. It's great. Remember the transition from kid table to big table? That was fun. Oh, huge. That was big. It sucked to be in that middle ground though when you're like just on the cusp of it and you're like, God damn it. I know. Fucking nerds. Ah.
I got to talk to these fucking idiot kids. We did it in Boston every year. So our tradition was we would go, you know, my grandparents were in Boston and then for Friday, Black Friday, we always went to Cheers. It was just for whatever reason became a tradition because it was Boston. It was Boston. Oh, that's fun. We'd watch, my brother and I would watch Cheers. Yeah. And then we'd go to Cheers. That's great. And we'd eat like a burger. You're like, man, what a gluttonous weekend. Yeah, yeah.
Why not? But like, cheers. Classic, man. Classic. Yeah. I do remember getting to the finally, because my parents and my grandparents were all talking about news and shit. And I was like 14 trying to get laid and get drunk. And, you know, my grandfather's like, how about that Arafat? I'm like, oh, yeah. Saddam. I didn't know anything going on, but that was a big deal. Saddam. Saddam.
The 90s. What are the other Thanksgiving traditions? Are there movies you throw on it? I used to set up like football games and stuff. Like we would play. Oh, that's great. I forgot about the playing football outside. We would play football and play basketball and stuff. Good way to burn off that food and build up an appetite. Missed that. I remember we played hide and go seek one year, my sister, and I hid behind my grandma's house. And I was like, oh, she'll never find me here. I just hid in a pile of shit. Yeah.
That's Manhattan for you. No, no, no. It was Boston. Oh, okay. And my grandma was like scrubbing the shit off me. I'm like, man, I suck. I really suck. I'm a little dumb kid. Why was there a pile of shit? There must have been some animal. They didn't have pets. I don't know what the hell. I didn't know how to be out of the city. So I'm just like lying in a pile of shit. And I'm like, you never found me. And my sister's like, yeah, good job. His dad played hide and seek too and really hit it.
Do I love... Plane Strange is the movie. Oh, you can't beat it. You know why? It's funny as shit and it's got the heart, which really puts it over the edge of John Hughes. I'm the real article. So good. The real article. You know what movie underrated, I think? Dutch. Oh.
Oh, wow. You ever watch Dutch? I haven't heard about Dutch. Yes. 20 years. Ed O'Neill was hilarious. Was that a young Ethan Embry or am I crazy? Oh, was that on the list? I believe it was. Oh, Ethan Randall. Sorry. Well, John Hughes produced it. Ed O'Neill is fantastic. He's so funny, man. I mean, he...
Married with Children was hilarious. So funny. I haven't seen it in years. It was that and Roseanne and I was a Married with Children guy. Dude, I loved both of them. I was a huge Roseanne fan. Roseanne is really funny. Innovative. Really well written. For whatever reason, Married with Children was the one that hit me. Married with Children was like...
guy level funny. Oh, yeah. But it was like at that time it was live action and you were like, how is this so fucking funny? I know, and dark. It's so mean. It's like trashy in a beautiful way. That's what I loved about it. Every show was not trashy. They were all like trying to be like, look, at the end of the day, we all love each other and we're a good family. And Ed O'Neill was like, I can't fuck my wife. Yeah, he was a shoe salesman. He always talked about how great high school was, a high school football team. I agree.
man before touchdown. Yeah. It was so, I was like seven being like, what the fuck is this? I know. It's crazy. You rewatch it. He would walk in the room. He goes, you know, a fat woman came into the shoe store and I would go, whoo!
And then half the show was just him with his hand in his pants. Yes, that was a punchline. Let's rock. It's like, who does that? Was that a thing dads were doing? They're like kind of slowly jerking off or whatever. I was like, who wrote that? I know. This is a normal family thing. And they had a group called No Ma'am, which didn't allow women. It was so over the top, misogynist and degenerate.
It was hilarious. Oh, and dude, I mean, the kids were great. David Faustino, Christina Applegate. Also, I love that Katie Sagal is like super hot. Super hot. I know. You're a balding shoe salesman. And this woman's dying to fuck you and you're like, ugh. Yeah.
very relatable good show good show she was incredible a lot of people at o'neill dutch yeah i i haven't seen this i was like i gotta watch it as a kid yeah what's the premise he gets stuck with a kid and he's like it's like his uh girlfriend's kid or something like that right and then he has they hate each other which is also funny it's like it's a it's a bad dynamic and the kid is an
So you side with Ed O'Neill a little bit. Oh, great. Look at the- I love the tagline. It's like Home Alone with Bart Simpson. With Bart Simpson. That's great. That's how big the Simpsons were too. They were making other taglines. What other Thanksgiving movies are there? Never saw this. Get that out of here. What is this? Katie Holmes, Oliver Pratt. Love Oliver-
Platt. My boy, John Weisberg, a boy who used to work with him. That's right. That's right. I've never heard of this movie ever. Oh, come on. What are we doing, man? What the fuck? Is Pocahontas next? Rotten Tomatoes. Rotten Tomatoes has been fucking thrown out. Oh! Pocahontas. What is this shit? That fits the theme a little bit at least. That is not. Oh, fuck.
in Thanksgiving movies. What are these? Robert Downey Jr. That feels more Christmas. Yeah, I think that this is the problem with nailing down Thanksgiving movies. We're going to have a lot of Christmas cross. Plains Trains, it's over. Plains Trains is over. What else? Son-in-law. What are these? Wow, Thanksgiving movies suck. Citizen Kane. What the hell? The Blind Son-in-law.
That's a fucking Thanksgiving movie. Hot Bullock in that one, though. That one, the Charlie Brown one's not bad. There you go. Okay. That I've heard of. That's it? Man. Thanksgiving movies are tough. There's got to be some others. Alex's Restaurant. I'm pulling some up. What the fuck? We're scraping the barrel here. This is crazy. A Thanksgiving classic. Classic. Call in if you have a real Thanksgiving movie because these are brutal. Man. Are there any others?
Yeah, when you guys pitched this as a thing, I was like, I don't think there's a lot of Thanksgiving movies really. Holy hell. What else is- It is like a very relatable time. I think Christmas though gets the- it's the star of the season. That's it. Clumpy Old Men? Oh, there you go. That's a fun movie, man. I got a rec for you. I'd never seen-
I'd never seen the original Bad News Bears and I watched it. Oh, I saw it on a plane and it was hilarious. I would love it. I love that they're kids and they're like 11 years old, but they're smoking cigarettes. Yes. And even like Tatum O'Neill, every kid is like, yeah, blow it out your ass, old man. They all have like that fucking ass.
Attitude. They say the N-word. They call people fags. I mean, it's crazy what they say. It's shocking. I gotta re-watch that one. It's a good movie. Walter Matthau is incredible. And it's also great because now if they remade it, which I guess they did. I didn't see it. But you know they'd have to make it a little too buttoned up with a bow. Yeah. It was a shitty guy coaching the team. Yeah. But he did teach them a valuable life. It's a nuanced character. It's fun when you have characters like that that –
You're like, that guy is a piece of shit. Yes. That's the point. Now they can't do that. It's like the bad guys are like the guy in Parks and Rec where you're like, he's not even really a bad guy. He's just a little curmudgeonly, but he's not racist. Yeah. Well, now if you make a racist guy, that's the whole character. Yeah. Right. Like Jack Nicholson is good as it gets. We've talked about that, I think. But this movie, I love the ending. They lose by a run, but of course- Spoiler alert. Spoiler. They lose by a run, but-
you know at the end they the other team is like you know we still don't think you're any good but you've got you've got more spunk than we thought and the littlest kid in the team goes yeah you can take that trophy and shove it up your ass yeah they're cheering you're like this is great yeah it was fun and it's it's true like the bad the character is likable he's still a piece of shit but you like him it's kind of like uh archie bunker yeah you can never have an archie bunker now but the
point is that he's a douche. Right. That's the whole show. Walter Matthau is incredible. Yeah, he's great. Dude, taking a pellet one, two, three from the 70s, it might be my top 10 now. I love it. I've never seen that. It's fucking incredible. Classic New York movie. I'm going to see that. It's the best...
It's the best terrorist movie because it's about them taking over a New York City subway train and Jerry Stiller is one of the other guys. Oh, my God. So it's Walter Mather and Jerry Stiller. And the whole movie is them just being like – a train got hijacked by terrorists and they're like, here we go. They're just annoyed. They're not even worried about the people. Which is realistic. Oh, that's great. I got to see that. It's like when somebody dies on the train and you're like, all right, let's get it moving, huh? Yeah. Yeah.
So good. And do you have any recs, Tom? I got, yeah, I got some recs here. Let me look at my little phone here. Well, I have some band recs that part of me is like maybe people will be like, I would never do this. I don't know music. But there's a new, there's this band that I saw. I was at a festival in Boise where they had a comedy part and a music part. And I had already heard of this band, but I watched this band Japanese Breakfast play
They put on the best show I've ever fucking seen in my life. Like, I go to shows... Japanese Breakfast, they are fucking awesome. We talked about Japanese Breakfast on one of these episodes. They're in Salicu's. You get a fish for breakfast. Oh, yeah. That's right. Dude, their new album is fucking cool as hell. It's just like indie rock shit. Okay. Can we play one? This woman, like, plays a fucking gong. She's so fucking cool. Yeah. Yeah.
I'm like tempted. Oh, be sweet is fucking great. Yeah, this is a great song, but it's like it's just she's just you ever just watch somebody who's a performer on stage and you're like, God, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's so good.
I love the look of this video, too. She's so cool, man. She's been doing podcasts and shit. She's funny. She's great. Where are they out of? Do you know? Philly. All the best bands are out of Philly now. Dr. Dog. Dr. Dog fucking rules. Great band. This band I love, Mannequin Pussy, got featured in Mare of Easttown. Oh, yeah? They're great. Oh, my God. I love their show. I love Mare of Easttown. Mare of Easttown fucking rules. That's another wreck. Wait, keep it on for a second. I like it.
I love this. This is good. Good music. Just it's like you ever heard of sales? Yes. It reminds me of sales. Just kind of background. Nice. Not too much. Mm hmm. This is some shit I bike around in New York, too. And I'm fucking feeling it, you know?
And the video seems funny. They seem fun. Yeah, they are fun. And there's a dude who's like comedy adjacent, my buddy Adam Shatt, who he's his group is called Landlady. And he did our podcast and he's been touring with them and watching him on stage. We were just talking to him. I was like, hey, what's going on, man? I'm drinking a beer. We're having a nice time. And then he goes on stage and is fucking incredible. And I was like, oh, my God, this must be how like.
You know, we all do comedy. Yeah. And, like, people – we're just hanging out with people. And then, you know, you go up and do well and you're like, yeah, whatever. That's a normal night for me. Yeah. But I was like, oh, my God. Like, I couldn't believe how good he was. It was crazy. What's this called? This is Japanese breakfast. Oh, Landlady is the guy. Yeah, he's great, man. Adam is awesome. All right. Let's check out Landlady. I need some new tunes. This has got Dr. Dog vibes. Oh, yeah.
California.
Oh, before I forget also, Biscoffs. Ah, get out of here with your Biscoffs. I love it. Listening to you guys talk about Biscoffs, I'm always like yelling at my fucking phone. I hate them. I love Biscoffs in a coffee. That's dipping it in a coffee. It's special. It's too hard. It's too messy. It's all crumbs. The package. You're scrubbing your dick? It's brutal. Hate a Biscoff.
Alright, landlady. There you go. Good Rex. Do you have a Rex, Mark? Do I? I don't know if I do, actually. I might have another if you don't. Yeah, please. I'm not good with Rex. Yeah, there you go. If this is going to be my day, this is going to be my day. Might as well. Oh, I got a good Rex. Hit me. This one, everyone should get on this shit. Everything bagel seasoning.
Oh, I use that. Yeah? I have it. The shaky. Dude, it's a game changer. It's great. I'll make tuna salad and I'll fucking throw some on the bottom with some avocado before I throw the tuna salad in there. So, they'll make a little avocado toast. You throw a little everything seasoning on. You throw a little red pepper flakes on there. It's fucking fantastic. It's great. You can put on anything. My lady bought that and then I put it on literally everything. My lady bought that.
Is that a Trader Joe's buy? You can get it anywhere. Okay, okay, okay. My taste buds are shot. I just blew them out as a kid with like Tabasco and salt and seasoning. So I need, I always need a kick. I don't taste anything. Yeah. Me too. Well, I do the Melinda's.
Honey mustard habanero sauce. I have to put that on everything. My shit has to be habanero or I don't feel anything. That sounds good. My lady gets mad at me because she's like, I cook all this food and you just douse it in hot sauce. I'm like, that's the only way that I can feel anything. Hot sauce is good. It's so good.
It's so good. Some sriracha on anything. Is that your go-to, sriracha? That's still – it depends on what I'm eating. But if it's like a – Sriracha is amazing. If I'm going with like a Thai food or something, I'm going sriracha. If I'm going like – Dude, you ordered the Thai. They have that special chili. Oh, I love that shit. Oh, yeah. That is my – It's not sriracha. That's like a chili paste. I know.
They do a version of it by Sriracha, but it's not Sriracha. Yeah. I always ask for extra of that shit because it's like, oh my God, it's so good. Oh, dude. That's what made me love Chipotle is they had a special, like their red tomato too. It was the first thing I tasted that I was like, I will just buy this by the bottle if you sell it to me and they don't. The spicy one? Yes. Oh my God, it's so good.
I know. Fucking in on that shit. I don't love sriracha as much as the next guy. I grew up with all these hot sauces and sriracha has its own flavor too much. I don't know. I like a Frank's or a Louisiana or a Crystal. I like Frank's. Frank's is fine. The Crystal and Tabasco thin sauces don't do it for me as much. I like the vinegar. But then you put it in grits or something and you're like, now I see where this is supposed to live. Yeah.
Frank's can be very good. It's not like my go-to. But yeah, Cholula is kind of a good mainstream one. Cholula is great. Yeah, it's not bad. Cholula. For like an egg sandwich or something? Yeah, I love it. I eat all these bullshit. Like if I see a hot sauce in the store that I've never seen before that looks like it'll fuck you up, like fuck your life up, that's what I'm doing.
Yeah, an arrow and shit? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The ones that they have at Mexican restaurants, fuck me, I can never remember what it is. But there's like a very specific one they have at like every Mexican restaurant. Oh, Pepito or some shit? Not that. That sounds close though. There's one in a squeezy that's pretty good, but I don't know the name.
This one's just a hard bottle. This should be more squeezy. This should be more squeezy. No, not Valentino's, but I like that too. There's one in the glass thing that's good. The glass is what it is. Yeah. I know what you're talking about. How do you feel about like mango habanero? I accidentally bought that. I don't love it. It's stayed on my shelf for fucking months. I'm not into the mango. Too much fruity. Get the mango out of my- Pineapple. Yeah. Yeah. I don't like mixing those things with spice. Same. I want it to just be- I want the heat-
Right on me. Like, I love heat. I do like the challenges and shit. Oh, really? Yeah, sometimes. I might do that Buffalo Wild Wings challenge. You ever do a little vindaloo from an Indian place? Oh, I love it. Yes. That's a spicy shit, dude. I love vindaloo. So, it's perfect. I'm on stage. Going on stage, I'm with Gary Veeder in San Francisco. I'm like, hey, Gary. You know, Gary, I usually just give him my credit card. I'm like, order us a bunch of really good food.
And it's usually – and I'm usually like, hey, let's go light because we got another show. Yeah, yeah. And Gary's like, sushi. I'm like, perfect. I get off stage. He goes, the sushi places were closed. So I called an audible. I'm like, what do you got? He goes, Indian. I'm like, fucking hell, Gary. That is an end of the night food. You can't do that between shows. We did. Oh, you're crazy. And I have no self-control. So we're just pounding nuts.
Fucking tikka masala and, you know, biryani and all this shit. We're just all stuffing our faces and we're just laying there like fucking. We just got laid out by the Crips. Right. Right.
It's the worst breath and the worst farts, too, with that Indian. Holy shit. The next morning, we hit Blue Bottle, and I was like, Gary, I'm just going to get one cup of coffee from me. I'm going to go take a fucking massive dose of Ekkies here. Yeah, yeah. An Indian dump. The worst kind. I sounded racist. An Indian dump. The worst kind. The pilgrims did.
Wow, this is a fucking Thanksgiving episode, Mark. Yeah. No, Indian food is so fucking good. So good. And I like to get it as spicy as I can. I think I'm half Indian. There's part of me that's like vengeful towards my dad or something. I'm like, give me the spiciest fucking thing you can. I can handle it. Was the dad Indian? Yeah, yeah. My dad was Indian. And he walked out. Yeah. That's rare. I feel like Indians have their shit together. It's not as rare as you think. On the road, I meet people.
And then he tried to come back and he called him an Indian giver. That's right. That's right. Yep. Yep. Dude, Indian giver is the funniest term there's ever been. It really is. Because it's like, it's so racist in that, like, the fucking pilgrims took the land and then...
They were like, hey, what about Orlando? Like, you fucking Indian giver. You said we could have this. No, that's not what I meant. No backseats. Our government, no backseats. Yeah, you switched it on him. That's pretty good. Pretty good move there, Whitey.
Well played. It's like when you're really racist term. It's like when you're ball busted. You're ball busted with a friend and he's like, hey, you piece of shit. You're like, hey, you fat weirdo. Hey, man, what the fuck? You're doing it. Now I feel bad. How'd that happen? That's a good move. It's like it's like if they called like black people. You're a slave. Take her away. We were you were you were the one who did the mean thing to us. Right, right.
Fucking Indians always asking for more. You got the casinos. I'm the same type of Indian. Oh, we know that. That is. That is. I was thinking of the other one. Do you have any bits you want to work out?
So I was thinking about this. I don't know if there's anything here, but I think it's kind of funny, which is that I talk a lot of shit. You know, I get into the old cups or whatever. Sure. Just a few. Yeah, yeah. But I talk a lot of shit, especially when I'm drunk. But I have no, like, means to back it up. I don't think I can fight or anything like that. But, like, I was in a bar in Indiana.
And this big dude kept stomping on my shoes. And like, I like my shoes. I don't want them getting stomped on. You got good shoes. I like those a lot. I like cool sneakers sometimes. But I just don't want them getting stomped on. And I was like, hey, man, don't fucking step on my shoes anymore, man. And he's kind of like, what are you going to do about it? And I have to be like.
Well, I'm going to make you kick my ass. That's what's going to happen. Don't make me make you kick my ass. Because it's going to be a bad night for you. I'm going to have a fat lip, but you're going to have a guilty conscience. I'm going to get blood on your nice shirt. How much cardio have you been doing? Are you ready? I'm going to last as long as I can.
I hate myself. I can take a beating. It's going to take a lot of swings. Yeah. Your knuckles are going to be bloody. That's it. That's it. Your hand is going to hurt a little bit. It's like such an empty threat, but it's like because I talk that type of shit. Like I rolled up. I bike a lot here. That's a great joke. Yeah. Is that something? I tried it once, but it's like – and it like kind of worked, but I get scared. I don't know. I was like –
The idea of me being like well, I talk a lot of shit I'm like how maybe people will be like well, you're an asshole then but no well You're not a guy stepping on your shoes. Yeah, you're calling him out. So you're not really the bully and you're fucking blabbermouth. Yeah, it's perfect He's the unlikable one. So yeah All right. Okay cool. That's I mean he's stepping on your shoes going. What are you gonna do about it? You have a right to be like fuck you. Yeah, yeah
Was he doing it purposely? It felt like he was trying, because it was a crowded bar, it felt like he was trying to make a point. He's like, get the fuck out of my way. Domination. I was like, I've been standing here for a minute. What are you going to do about it? I'm going to talk about it on a podcast and put it in solid joke form. Yeah. I'm going to wear a pilgrim outfit, get drunk, and bring you up.
I'm going to dress in the most comically stupid outfit I can find. And I'm going to vent about it to my friends. Yeah. Good bit. Good bit. All right. Well, you got one? I got fucking nothing, dude. I got shit too. Let me see if I can find anything. Let me see if I have anything. I'm fucking. My jokes are either. I have one that's pretty much working. Tell me what you think of this. I have a joke about. You think anyone on one of those 9-11 flights was wearing noise canceling headphones?
And they were the last to know. Oh, that's great. Because to me, that's a great advertisement for bows. That's great. They're like, how can you never forget if you never really knew? Right? That's my idea. That's a great ad. There's something there, right?
that yeah he didn't know until he hit the ground that's funny i like the idea of a trauma like noise canceling headphones commercial it could be like a parents like a guy beating his wife and the kid has noise canceling headphones like bows don't make your kid go to therapy it's pretty it's kind of those i'll tell you bows works oh yeah it's weird yeah like the other ones don't work
No, no, no. You do like Beats by Dr. Dre and you're like, which is what they should call the trauma ad. Let's go. Yeah. This is coming together. Now we got a bit here. No, that's not it.
No, that's good. What do you got going on? All right. Is this anything? I saw a blind guy getting, you know, like holding his dog with the leash, the seeing eye dog. And the dog was kind of like leading him into Second Avenue. And I like was kind of watching this guy and I was freaking out. So I kind of grabbed the guy and I was like, hey, man, watch out. You're going towards traffic. And he was like, get off me. I don't need your charity. And then I realized, like, can a blind guy really afford to be a dick? You know, like.
I could just pick up a stick and throw it into the highway and the dog would go for it. I don't know if you can – I could put a kick me sign on you or whatever. And then the whole joke is like it's a pretty good way to get out of –
picking up your dog shit you know if you're a blind guy and you got the seeing eye dog and the seeing eye dog shitting who's picking that up and then you could do like uh like next time i walk my dog i'm not gonna bring a plastic bag i'm bringing glasses and a stick oh that's great that's like a curb ep that feels like maybe that's great and then the
big punchline. They're like, you didn't pick up your dog poop. I'm blind. Exactly, yeah. But who is picking that shit up? That's a good point. It's a good point. I don't know who's picking it up. And yeah, if the guy yells at you, you can be like, I've never seen a sunset. And the guy's like, alright, alright. Well, that's kind of sucked too. Even if you are the most, you know,
responsible blind guy what are you just gonna feel around right right horrible no it's impossible the dog would have to kind of do it that should you need another dog yeah yeah who's picking that up because the dog ain't doing it yeah no well sometimes you hit a dog for trying to eat its own poop this time you're kind of like have at it yeah yeah that's true yeah yeah but this guy was all over the place and he was a dick
That is funny, though. Like, yeah, you can't be – we're all doing you a favor, man. We're all kind of being like, yeah, poke me with your stick. That's fine. You let it go. You can't – but you can't like use that and be like, ah –
Like, you're a fucking bitch or whatever. You can't be a dick. It's like, we're helping a little bit. Yeah, and like, do you know how easy it would be to kick your ass? Not saying I'm going to do it, but I could just, you know. Mark's the guy from your joke now. Yeah, I know. I can bob and weave and really do some damage here. The black guy's like, I'm going to make you kick my ass. Like, all right, shit. We've got to go on stage together. Yeah. All he hears is, I'm choking out the dog.
Shit, man. This is a killer app. Good app, Tommy. Hey. Plunson Road Days. Thanks for having me, y'all. I will be at the Blue Room in Missouri, which I feel like is the club that comes up the most on this podcast. Wow. I would have shouted out like four times. I was just there. Yeah, I'll be there.
It's Thanksgiving weekend, so Friday, Saturday, hey, your family, come hang there. I'm bringing my buddy Dwight Simmons. It'll be a good time. I'll be doing all the helium side rooms so I can make 500 bucks. Oh, nice.
The indie one is actually a good room. Really? Yeah, it's actually a good layout. Tom is a great comic. Good comic. Go see him. I mean, really, he's been posting a lot of shit on social media. Follow Tom on social media. Tom Takar. T-H-A-K-K-A-R. Great comic. Like, really prolific and writing great stuff. So make sure you follow him. He really is a strong, strong, strong comic. Yeah, good jokes. So check it the fuck out. Good comic. Been doing it for...
A while, huh? Yeah, 25 years. There you go. You see? I've been doing it for about 12. He's doping for Newhart. He's been around. No, I appreciate you guys having me. I love this podcast. Oh, thanks. I really appreciate it. Thanks for having me. We love you, man. We knew you'd be a perfect second guest. We've only had one other guest on. I know. I was looking through and I was like, did Roy do it? And I was like, it's just Rachel, right? Yeah, he's a busy guy. Great episode. You haven't heard the Rachel Feinstein episode.
I love Rachel too. Rachel is so fucking funny. Rachel's got to be a regular on this because she killed so hard on that episode. Check out her podcast with Jessica Kearson. Two of my favorites. I'll be all over too. You can check me out in Charlotte Comedy Zone, Charlotte, North Carolina, December 2nd through 4th. I'll be the following weekend on Miami Improv.
And the weekend after that, the Addison Improv in Dallas. And, you know, I got Magoobies in Timonium, Maryland coming up in January. Richmond, Virginia. Sacramento. A lot of stuff coming up. Sam Morrell dot com slash shows. And Norman, where are you going to be, man? Baby, I'll be at the Buckhead Theater in Atlanta. Also in Charlotte Comedy Zone. I'm at Milwaukee Improv.
New Orleans, I think this weekend. I don't know when this comes out. And let's see. What else? I got some fun ones. Vancouver's over. Oh, Royal Oak, Michigan. Comedy Castle. The classic. Kansas City. The classic castle. Mark Ridley's son, by the way, Ryan Ridley, who has written the best episodes of Rick and Morty. Wow.
Wow. What? Yes. Holy shit. So shout out to Ryan Ridley. That's incredible. Mark Ridley, who I love Mark Ridley. I've worked at this club for years. His son is Ryan Ridley, who is a great writer. Yeah. Wow. That is cool. Man, I'm going to really talk his ear off. How deep in Rick and Morty are you? The people want to know.
Uh, let's see. I'm probably about a season in. And do you like it? I do. I do. I like it. Gotta keep going, man. People on the road ask me that all the time. How's freaking morning? People, because you are, you have a little bit of Rick in you. You're always belching. You're always... I get that a lot. Yeah.
So I'm into it. Great show. Good writing. Funny show. Do you watch it? I have seen a couple episodes. I enjoy it. I just haven't gotten in. It's a great show. Great show. I'm watching so many shows right now that it's tough. It's tough. Any recs? Any show recs? I mean, I just – I watched all of Squid Game in one day.
which I don't recommend doing that. Yeah, it's very dark. I dreamt a whole new season. I had terrible nightmares. People were like, it's not scary. And I was like, what are you fucking talking about? The first episode is one of the most horrific things I've ever seen in my life. Yeah, it's wild. But it's incredible. Season two is Tom in an airplane. Who wants to pee? Yeah.
No, that, I mean, Mayor of Easttown is one of the best shows I saw. Yeah, great show. She's incredible. And the other lady who's in it, whose son is like the- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Spoiler. I don't want to spoil anything. I don't want to spoil anything. But whose- Fantastic. Fantastic way to do it. Family is a big part of the show. I love, you know what I love on HBO, too? I love The Undoing. I've never seen that.
I thought that was great. The lady loved it. Nicole Kidman, Hugh Grant, great. Donald Sutherland. I feel bad. I hope that doesn't spoil anything for him. Yeah, whatever. You're fine. Fight the power. Yeah. It's been a while. Yeah, that's true. I mean, Succession is the best show. It's the best show. It's the best show there is. Not the last night's episode was good, but the one before that was unreal. It was incredible, dude. Incredible. I was arguing.
with my buddies about this. We have Brian Cox. The scenes with fucking Cox and also Tom is so funny. Tom and Greg with the scene with Greg. I pissed off Mehran because I told him he looked a little bit like Tom.
I don't know if you guys see it. Tom's a handsome guy. That's what I was like. I think he's a good guy. Also, I think Tom is hilarious. So funny. Tom and Greg are so funny. Those episodes between Kendall and his dad. Kendall and Logan. Adrian Brody. Oh, those were great, too. That scene where the whole scene. Oh, my God. Well, the fact that the only time he tells his son that he's got a future and that he loves him isn't a business deal. He's through this thing where they're seething. Right. Incredible.
the best moment one of the best moments of the entire show is when he goes to take that call and they're just sitting at the table together and you feel you feel all of it and it's silent and he loves his dad but his dad won't doesn't won't give him anything and it's brutal and Cameron is also he's just trying to survive I love Brian Cox so much I can't wait to read his book because it's literally just taking shots at celebrities I don't know oh I didn't know that oh my god did I not tell you these quotes I mean the quotes in the book I gotta pull them up real quick
I mean, they're like, can you pull up some of these quotes, man? I'm fucking lazy. Well, let me do these ads while you do that. Hey, we might be drunk and excited to welcome our new sponsor, Bowling Branch. They sent me some sheets. These things are top notch. They feel great. I sleep naked. We spend a third of our lives in bed. So sheets from Bowling Branch make truly special gifts.
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Exclusions may apply. Get on it, folks. We got one more ad. Oh, okay.
And thank you for coming in, Tommy. Hey, thanks for having me, man. I got to piss so bad. I'm going to go piss. Go piss. Better help is therapy for the 21st century. Better help is professional therapy all online. What's standing in the way of you achieving your goals? Figure it out with Better Help. We love therapy. He got me into therapy. It changed my life. You got to do it. But it is a hassle going all the way up to the Upper West Side in Manhattan. So do it online, folks. Do it remote.
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So this is when Brian Cox, but we'll wrap up soon. But he goes, he writes about Johnny Depp. Personable, though I'm sure he is, is so overblown, so overrated. I mean, Edward Scissorhands, let's face it. If you come on with hands like that and pale, scarred face makeup, you don't have to do anything. And he didn't.
And subsequently, he's done even less. Cox has not worked with Depp and turned down a role in Pirates of the Caribbean. Whoa. What's his beef with Depp? He's just a snob. He's like an old school actor. Amber Heard loved that. Oh, he wrote this about Ed Norton, who I love Ed Norton. He's one of my favorites. But here's a dick. He writes this. He plays his father in 25th Hour.
He's a nice lad, but a bit of a pain in the ass because he fancies himself as a writer-director. This is all from his upcoming book. Oh, I can't wait to read this. This is heavy. Oh my God. This is what he writes about Steven Seagal. As ludicrous in real life as he appears on screen.
David Bowie, not a particularly good actor. I agree with that. He wrote about Quentin Tarantino. He walked out of Pulp Fiction but would work with the director of Ass. He walked out of Pulp Fiction. So this makes him seem like an asshole now. But I will say this. I fucking love Brian Cox. I don't care. He's incredible in that show. He's incredible in every movie he's in, though. This season, there's a few moments of him going, fuck off.
Where I was like, all right, it's becoming a cartoon. When he tells the FBI to fuck off, we're like, okay. Tell them to fuck off. Tell them to fuck off. Yeah. Okay. The show's incredible. I saw Kieran Culkin on the street the other day. I think he lives near me. Whoa. That's right. Someone on the street pushing a baby carriage. Yeah. Who would have thought after Home Alone, we'd all be like, Kieran Culkin is cool as hell now. He was the little kid. He was fuller. He wet the bed. Yeah. Yeah. He wet the bed. Yeah. Yeah.
Damn. So good. Terrific on the show. Yeah, great show. Great show. We appreciate you guys listening. We love you. See us all on the road. Follow Tom. Keep listening. Have a great and happy Thanksgiving. We're grateful for you. Make sure to subscribe to the Patreon, patreon.com slash we might be drunk pod. You get bonus content. Leave us a nice review.
Beer Jer, we're thankful for your amazing holiday cocktails. Yes. Matt Peters, we're thankful for Gotham Studios. The Machine. Salacuse, you're not here, but we love you too. Sally. It's a happy, happy holiday, and we hope you have a great one.
