Ep 49: Would You?
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Someone commented, I posted a picture with Taylor and someone wrote, good girlfriend, really seems to care.

Holy hell! I don't know if we got that last joke, but that would have been fun. Here we are! We might be drunk! We're back! We've been all over the goddamn earth, all over the country, LA and back, uptown, downtown.

Here we are. That's why this one's coming late. So we apologize. We like to get it out on Sunday, but we wanted an in-studio versus a Zoom. Yeah. Fuck Zoom. It takes the magic out of it. Takes the magic out. It's like phone sex versus actual... Sex. Penetration. Yeah. Yes. Exactly. It is. Sex robot, I usually say. Oh.

That's good. I think it's like a sex robot. I don't mind a sex robot. Yeah Well, you can just really throw her around on stuff hit her. Yeah, it's fun great put her face through the glass Joking

What a dark start to this episode. It's been a while. We've a lot of pent up, you know, something. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know, women always have that self-defense class where they like kick a dummy's ass. Yeah. I do that with the sex robot. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. You just have a guy leading it. Choke. Yeah. She's turned on by all that stuff. Yeah. I've been to Texas. Yeah.

What part of Texas? Oh, you were in Houston? Yeah. For a night. For a night in Houston, a night in Austin. You did Rogan with Shane and Ari. It's been a whirlwind. Yeah. They went straight to Boston, then came back. They went to LA, now here. What about you? I was in Chicago. I mean, I've been gone for three weeks. Yeah. That's why we hit the backlog. I mean, I was doing... I did Chicago, then Los Angeles, then Denver, then Los Angeles, then...

Then Los Angeles. Jesus. Then San Francisco. And then I came home. Holy hell. A lot. Yeah. I did a show yesterday at Gramercy Theater and I'm literally on an hour of sleep. Last night. Yeah. I flew back because the only way I could make it back from San Francisco to a New York, not great routing here. Yeah. Yeah. Same. San Francisco, you got a New York show that night. I got to take a 7 a.m.

So I'm on with Vitor and I'm like praying. There's one person left in the bump up for first class and I'm like praying and I got it. Got that lay flat seat. Oh,

Beautiful. But the thing is, you're comfortable. I still can't sleep. No. Because when you have a thing that night, you got all that anxiety and you're freaking out. Yep. Yep. And you're like, well, I'm going to get 30 minutes of sleep now. Great. And then you get none. Yeah. And those movie selections aren't bad. Oh, I watched Whiplash. Oh, there you go. I love Whiplash. It's a good movie, dude. Great movie. Great movie. The arms on JK. Oh, my God. No joke. Like a cougar in Phoenix. Yeah.

Incredible. Yeah, cougars have great arms. Amazing arms. They got nothing to do all day except pick up their husband's money. All right. No, but Phoenix has some hot milfs. But yeah, yeah. They do. Phoenix has a lot of milfs. Oh, man. I always say in Phoenix there's more breast implants than black people. That's the motto. The slogan of Phoenix should be, can I speak to your manager? The difference is in Phoenix they're happy when they see one of those things.

I'll tell you, I went to, yeah, I did one show in Phoenix and I literally get heckled by a woman standing up. What? She stands up and she goes, I want you to make fun of my son. And I go, what? And then I say like, and she's like a pretty hot, milfy woman. I was like, is that your mom? And he goes, unfortunately. And the crowd's like, what the fuck is going on? And then she goes, it's not my stepmom. I was like, yeah. And then she goes, I wish. Ah!

And I'm like, these people want to fuck each other. Yeah, clearly. Arizona is basically Alabama, but, you know, bigger city. Yeah, with the tan and fake blonde. Yeah. Wow, that's wild.

How old was the kid? I want to say early 20s. And then I asked about the husband. I was like, what about the husband? She goes, he passed away. Oh, perfect. I said, door's open. It's all locking in. Yeah. I mean, Jesus. I mean, look, what has more views than stepmom porn? I know. It's number one. So these kids are just being fed that all day. It's only natural. Yeah, but this was real mom. Oh, I thought it was stepmom. No, he said, I wish she was my stepmom.

Yeah. Oh, that's even weirder. That's not good. Wow. All right. Now it's weird. Yeah. Shit. Oh, man. That's bananas. Yeah. Yeah. They're going to fuck. They're going to fuck. I should say, we're doing our coffee. We're doing two episodes today. So today's a coffee day. And the next episode will be a boozy with the beer, Beer Jew. Yeah. We got the Beer Jew coming back. We need to recover a little. Because you know when you're on those...

I have to plan the coffee buzz into the alcohol buzz, especially like I got one hour of sleep. I get to the venue and I'm like, I'm doing a ton of coffee at like seven. Yeah. And then I get there and they say, what do you want in your green room? And I said, Pepto-Bismol and a Negroni. Yeah.

Give me medicine and poison in the same rider. That's great. Yeah. But you push through. I was on no sleep on Thursday. I did the Brea improv. Huge room. My management is there because it's LA. So we're going to come out and support what you're like. I know that you mean well, but it's a nightmare. They all come in the green room. It's nice, but it's still a lot. And you're on no sleep. So you got to be on with them. Then you got to do the show. And the whole time you're on stage, you're thinking of them judging you like this is our client. Yeah.

You know, you feel like a racehorse a little bit. Like, I got to kill it. And that was just a lot. So I can't imagine an hour. I had like three hours, but an hour. Yeah, dude, it's tough when you're. But then you're also like, I can power through one of these. I did three shows the day before in San Francisco. Yeah, that's a lot. San Francisco is a great city, man. Great town. Great city. One of the jewels of the U.S.,

It's beautiful. It looks European. It does. The architecture is killer. The hills really help. I love it. Yeah, the water, the bay, the whole thing. The bridge. The seafood. Seafood. Good seafood really seems to care. Number one suicide bridge. We've covered that. Yeah. And a lot of people, they change their mind right when they jump. Right when they let go. They go, that was a mistake. Yeah.

That's gotta suck. I know. I have that after like when I used to have one night stands right when you finish you were like that was a mistake. That was a mistake. Shouldn't have done that. Who is this guy? I have a joke about that now how you think you think pedophiles get that? Ha ha ha.

Yeah, they must get a double. Yeah, they must be like, oh, fuck, what was I thinking? Yes. Because ours, I mean, sure, she's in a wheelchair, but at least it's legal. You know, the kid is not even legal. Hey, look at that cutie. Oh, Gary Vita. Jeez, you guys went all out on this. And I'll tell you the funny thing. That looks great, right? Wasn't even one of the better meals we had. This looks like a make-a-wish, you taking this kid out. Oh, it gets even cuter when Gary, he holds up a Steph Curry jersey for his baby. And he goes, I'm going to get one for me, too.

That's great. Yeah, no, we had such a good time. Oh, man, he's tan. Vitor's a great little road companion. Great hang, great guy, great comic. Check out his album, folks. Vitor Las Vegas. He's always up early because we're on the road and he's got a baby at home. Sure. So he's just naturally up early.

And he's always going to text like eight. He's like breakfast. I'm like, dude, what do you think? Yeah. What do you think is going on here? Nobody loves the road more than dads because we don't have kids. So we're on the road like, oh, here we go. I got to do it. They're like, ah, the sun is shining. They're like singing, you know, show tunes in the morning because it's there's no children there. Yeah. They get a break. Yeah, you're right. The wife hates him, I'm sure. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

It is hilarious. He's just like on FaceTime. He's like, I love you. I love you so much. And then he gets off and he's like, yeah. Oh,

Every guy has to do that thing where you pretend like you're not having fun. Oh, it sucks out here. We're getting our ass kicked. The crowds are the worst. And you can miss the family and still have fun, but you do have to pretend a little bit. You got to play it down. Yeah, sir. I wish you were here, honey. This is horrible. He's shucking oysters. This is terrible, honey. He's doing a line off a hooker's tit. Yeah, you know, I got the sniffles. Need your TLC, honey. It really, it is weird. You do have to pretend.

I mean, I do miss my girlfriend when I'm on the road. But you do have to up it a little. You do. There's something where you're like, yeah. Well, it sucks because we made this decision to pursue a dream. And it's coming true now.

But then you have to dial it back for the wife or the girlfriend. So it's weird because she knows you like comedy. Yeah. So it's kind of a tough sell. Right. Like, oh, you're going on the road. Are you going to tell some jokes? You're like, I know, but I also had to give 10 years up of my life to eat dollar pizza and drink Pabst Fula Ribbon and bomb and work at six day jobs. I used to fucking eat so badly on the road. Oh, yeah. I used to eat. I had the club meal for like 10 years. Yeah.

Same. I'm like, fuck, man, I really got used to pulled pork sandwiches. Yes. And they weren't even good pulled pork sandwiches. It was like fucking little dog food that they threw barbecue sauce on. They were like, this is your dinner. Exactly. And I was so broke. You knew you got a club meal at 7, so I wouldn't eat all day.

You would go excessive, though. I remember you would do the Granny Smith hotel apples the whole day. Oh, yeah. I did those, but Mark would do those for meals. I was like, I need to get a meal. I need eggs or something. The hotel in San Francisco by the punchline used to give you free nuts, and that was a game changer. It's funny when hotels have weird... They have like a...

happy hour and they just have like fried food. It's kind of cool. I know. I love that. Just five o'clock and champagne and, and like, uh, sliders or something. I used to get so rock hard for a free hotel breakfast. And now I'm like, I'm fucking sleeping in is worth so much to me now. It's true. It's true. But sometimes you get a waft of that waffle in the air. You like a good, uh, hotel lobby waffle? I do. I do. You put the butter, the syrup. Oh man. It's like home. Yeah. I'm not a big waffle guy. What?

I mean, I just don't want to start my day with maple syrup and butter. It's true. It's a horrible treat. I'll do it at like 2 a.m., which is probably equally bad for you, if not worse. Yeah, probably. Probably worse. I'm like, I don't like to start my day with butter and syrup. I like to do it right before my head hits the pillow. That's how I like it. That could be a bit. It's true, yeah. No, but something like ritualistic about having my eggs and my coffee. I like eggs every day. Yeah, I like eggs, too. I like making overnight oats, too, but that's a lot of work. Mmm.

Yeah, I go instant in the morning. You go instant? Instant out every day. Did it today. You love it. You're a man of routine. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I try to be somewhat routine. I feel like if you fall out of it, you feel guilty and it keeps you back in it. Yeah. You know, Seinfeld used to have that thing where he said he wrote every day and he would X out the day on the calendar. And if he missed an X, he felt terrible. And that would make you not skip. Yeah.

I love it, man. Well, I think that's great. Eggs for breakfast I have to do every day or something about it. Why is that with food and time? Like if you ate a tuna sandwich at 8 a.m., we'd all go, what the fuck is wrong with this psycho? I mean, I'll

I don't mind starting my day with tuna, but it's got to be at 2 p.m. I don't know. Something about waking up in tuna. That's what I'm saying. But then at 10 p.m., tuna's fine. Isn't that weird? Something about the sun or the heat. In Japan, fish is a common breakfast. Yes, but then we have locks. We have locks, though, but locks are accepted. It's weird how some stuff is in and out.

Yeah, that is weird. Yeah. Lox is okay. Lox is fine. Lox is, I think, hey, man, if you're giving me the death sentence in the morning, I'm having Lox. Oh, man. I'm having a bagel, right? Lox with avocado. Ooh, can't beat it. Capers. Capers. Capers are the supporting player. They're the Joe Pesci. They never get the respect, but they're carrying that bagel a little bit. Good point. And they're little. They're little. Yeah. Tiny and round. Funny how. What's that? Hard to pull off a caper. Yeah. Yeah.

Capers are great. I like capers and pasta, dude. I'll throw some capers. I'm making pasta. I throw some capers in that shit. Like a cream pasta? No, I'll do kind of like a puttanesca type pasta. I like making pasta. I don't know. What the hell is a puttanesca? Puttanesca, it's like olives and red sauce, and it's good. It's the sauce they used to make in the whore houses, that's the name. Yeah. Which is whore. Yeah. Is that right? I didn't know that. Everything. Just put everything in the pasta.

Damn. Whore sauce. Whoa. Whore sauce. I like that. Whore sauce. I try not to say that when I hand it to my girlfriend, I say. Whore sauce. Now it's called Fireball. All right. Woo.

Fireball is trash. Is that still relevant? I don't even know if that joke plays. Yeah, I think people still do it. Okay, okay. That had a moment. That was the biggest liquor for like two days. Who fucking... It's all branding because it's terrible. It's terrible. It's just sugar. It's cinnamon with whiskey. Yes. It's like Big Red. It's what it is. It's Big Red. Which is what her name was too, I'll tell you. Yeah.

Clifford. Clifford. Why is this movie... There's something about a giant red dog that's off-putting. You just think of Bloody. Yeah. You look like Michael Vick's dog. It looks too real. It looks too real, yeah. I don't know. And then you just picture them having to dye the dog behind the scenes, you know? The whole thing's... Well, it's all CGI, isn't it? Oh, that makes sense. I assume it's dyed. Go to the trailer.

No, we can't play videos, remember? We lost all our monetization. You know what's weird, though? Do you see the scene where they show his cock? That was crazy. What? No, I'm kidding. Oh, I was like, well, wait, pull that up. That's worth the monetizing. Can we just get a photo of him? Yeah, that's CGI, dude. Are you kidding me? The red? I mean, I know the sizes. It's just all fake. It's not... Oh, okay. Damn, I like the idea of them dying him. Oh, that looks good. Oh, is that a real dog? I don't know. That is...

Hey, that's that comic. Is that Jack Whitehall? Yeah. That guy's in a lot of movies now. Yeah, he's a hunk. He's a funny guy. That's the one who has falcons. He was good. Oh, he kills. He's huge in England. Yeah. Clifford. What a...

What is that? Matt told me not to play clips too long. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Smart. Smart. We got the gist. Yeah, we got it. But yeah, man, San Fran. By the way, they hate when you say San Fran. I don't say it. Vitor said he got called out. I've learned my lesson. I've been there enough times. Who called him out?

A local? A local, yeah. Someone just said, walking by, don't say that? Yeah, we ran into people on the street a couple times, and he said it's great to be back in San Fran. I was like, first of all, why are you even saying that? What are you, on stage? You don't have to say that. I'm just hanging out. But he said it was great to be, yeah, I love being in San Fran. They were like, it's SF. And I was like, I knew that. I'm not doing that. Yeah, they don't like it. Yeah. People get weird. There's a couple other ones. Spokane, they hate. Spokane. Yeah, Spokane. Yeah, they don't care about the homeless there, but pronunciation, they're very particular. Yeah, right? Yeah.

A lot of heroin over there. It's funny doing crowd work there because you're like, where do you work? Facebook. How about you? Google. You're just going through all these tech companies. You get someone who doesn't work in tech, you're like, thank God. I know. Is that city going to come back? Because it's one of those cities I don't want to lose. Well, I mean...

I don't know if it'll come back, but I mean, it's still going to be great. It's just going to be a different... It's going to be a little... A lot of cities have... I mean, Dallas is tech now. Phoenix is tech. Like, a lot of places have tech now, right? Yeah. It just sucks when the city city is just full of homeless, then outside of the city is like...

What is that? San Jose area. It's like beautiful with all the Google and everything. But then the city gets left behind. Well, yeah, it's horrible. It's like it's weird to see that much of a discrepancy. I mean, it's like literally like Dawn of the Dead and then Star Trek. You see a guy like hovering through garbage and another guy float by on a hovercraft. You're like, what the fuck is happening? Exactly. This is not good. Yeah, that group's going bigger. This one's getting smaller. And they just whiz by on the hoverboard. And the guy's taking a shit on the sidewalk. Yeah. So...

Yeah. There's no middle. No middle. I guess we're the middle. We're the middle. We fly in, we do a set, and we fly out. Well, Vitor's the middle. Oh, shit. That's what I'm saying. I was about to mic to my face and say it. But yeah, I've got to tell you, I was in Houston. That is a great comedy town. It is great. I've got to get there soon. I'm trying to book a date there. Oh, man. Good crowds. Just fun. That skank fest. I mean...

Say what you will about those guys. They have the best fans. I wish I could have made it for a night. The funnest crowds. I mean, me and Liz did a live Tuesdays. We did a stand-up show. Ari got dosed. Somebody dosed Ari to get him back. Yeah, it was just the wildest. Who dosed him? Kim Congdon.

So is his ex. She roofied him. No, she slipped acid in his drink. Jesus Christ. This is not good. It was awesome. Two wrongs. This isn't Hammurabi's code here. What the hell are we doing? You don't dose someone to dose them. He shouldn't have done that, but you don't dose them back. In her defense, and you might appreciate this, he was wearing the Kobe jersey when she did it. Wow. I mean, there was all kinds of chaos out there. Jesus Christ. It was wild. It was just a fucking shit show.

felt like old comedy like we're just getting wild and reckless and drunk and drugs and lewis pulls up on a clydesdale you're like what's going on i was with ari right after he did the kobe thing i remember we're like on the street and there are people walking by like we know what you did and i remember he was always like let's uh let's go walk to the cellar and i was like i think i'm gonna take a cab i think i just picture a drive-by going by yeah yeah that's tough

He was not well liked after that. Yeah. Even comics I saw were like, no thanks. Well, I'm not going to like not hang out with him. No. But I was like, can we fucking do it in like a private venue? Yeah. That was a dark days for him. He lost a special. Did? Over that? He had a special. I don't know if I'm supposed to say it. Kobe lost more. That's true. That's true. Well, you know, Kobe's a real helicopter parent. But, uh.

All right. But I will say, I had to get that out. Ari had a show at the Skirball Center. It was shooting on Netflix or something. And they called it off because it was like too many people were calling in going, we're going to riot the theater or protest the theater or whatever it was. So they just called it off. Ari, we can't get you here by car. We're going to have to take a helicopter. He's like, shit. Baby. Yeah. Three points. Yeah. That was all net. But yeah, so...

There are consequences out there, kids. Yeah, that's a very relatable problem. A lot of kids out there are losing Netflix specials because of their shitty jokes. What the hell? What the hell are you talking about?

But yeah, Skank Fest was awesome. Oh, it looked awesome. The pictures looked awesome. And I saw Bob Saget was there. It looked fun. They had fun. Gilbert. Gilbert. Yeah. Watching Doug Stanhope karaoke with Shane Gill. I mean, the whole thing was just like surreal and crazy. Doug is a must guest on this. Yes. We gotta get Doug. I love Doug Stanhope. I,

I think of his joke all the time. It's on one of his jokes on one of his albums where he said, uh, when I do comedy, it's like, I'm bringing you into war. You're not all going to be here at the end. It's one of the most comedy lines. It's like, Oh, that sums it up, man. And it's, it's great because he had to have enough walkouts to write a joke about it. You know what I mean? I love him, man. I think he's, uh,

He's a classic. Classic, sweet guy, and some of the albums, you got to check out No Refunds. I think it's like his masterpiece. Oh, Some Men Take the Edge Off. I remember listening to it as a kid being like, wow, this is pretty. He had Henry Phillips doing the guitar. Oh, yeah. Great. I mean, yeah, Stan Hope's a good... He's a classic, man. His opener, Junior Stopka, also underrated. He's so dark that I don't know if he'll ever blow up, but he had this one joke, and if this is too dark...

Feel free to... Don't put us on the spot like this. All right, all right. Let's hear it. His joke, his joke. Yeah, yeah. I don't know if we... I think it's on an album, but he says, you know, the Holocaust actually had a lot of retarded people in it. Nobody talks about that. And they have... The first sentence is like the two. Yeah. He goes, so that's the setup. The Holocaust had a lot of retarded people in it, but they can't post the photos because they're all smiling. Oh, Jesus. That's funny.

That's a good joke. I mean, that's dark as hell, but that is smart. That's a smart take. It's a clever, retarded Holocaust joke. All right, we'll wind it back. I think I'm going to call my next special. I have a lot of Holocaust jokes in my next special. I have 9-11 jokes. I have pedophilia jokes. I have abortion jokes. I think I'm going to call it 9-11 abortion pedophilia because no one will complain. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Like no one's going to be like, I expected better. Oh yeah. That's like, I think that's the move. I like that. Maybe that's the move. I don't know. Yeah. Or you can call it. Don't forget something. Never forget this album.

I like that, though. You put it all out there. Like, this is the movie. Man, that's a dark joke. Dark joke. You definitely can't say that word on, like, NBC or something. I mean, can you say it on, like, Comedy Central or, like, cable? I was told not to say it on Netflix. Wow.

One other guy said it, but his was... Mine was more like, come on, you retard. And so they were like, eh, it's pointless to just use it as an insult. And I was like, that's fair. But his was like in the joke. Like it was part of the joke. So I...

or whatever the word is. Conceded. Conceded, thank you. I conceded. I was like, I get that. So I changed it to something else. Yeah, I've had stuff like that where it's like, you're like, oh, I could find a better word. So it's no point. Like, use the offensive word when you have to and if you can avoid it. Right. Like, save it for when you really need it and then that time it'll hit even harder because it's more unexpected. Which is fair. Yeah. It's fair and it tends to make you write a better line.

For sure. Because I was relying on the shock and awe of the word retarded, but with a new line, I had to actually make it have shock and awe. You changed it to the N-word. There you go. Oh! Yeah, let's try a cookie. All right, these are from Culture Club. Sorry. Culture Espresso. Culture Espresso. Hey, you got a new boom box there. Are they all the same kind, Matt, or what are we looking at here? Yeah, they're all swapping chips. Woo!

Chocolate chip is not my favorite cookie. I'm a big oatmeal raisin guy. You are too? Is that weird? Yes! Why? Over cheat chocolate chip? That's a great cookie. That's a fatty too. Look at the size of that thing. You want to pull there, Sally? Get in there, buddy. There's only two, so take some of mine. Thank you. There you go. This is a delightful cookie. Man, it's one of these cookies where it's baked in.

The chocolate. Oh, man. This is good radio, all of us chewing. I know, right? This is incredible. Oh, you dipped the cookie. Oh, yeah. Maybe I should.

Yeah, that's an incredible cookie. It's weird. Dunkin' Donuts is named after dunking your donuts in the coffee, but I don't see anybody dunking their donut anymore. People dunk. Oh, really? I used to go to Knicks games, and in the 90s, if the Knicks won the tip-off, everyone gets a free donut. What? Dunkin' Donuts. It's a good promotion, because everyone's like, oh, Dunkin'. I'll go to Dunkin'.

But Ewing won a lot of tip-offs. You see him right there. He won a lot of those tip-offs after the game. Like, Dad, we have to go to Dunkin', please. It works. It worked. Yeah. That was the most Seinfeld and George moment of all time. I don't see a lot of people dunk anymore. They dunk. This is an incredible cookie. Great cookie. Joe DiMaggio dunks. That's right. Joe DiMaggio. Yeah, you'd think they would dunk a donut when the guy dunked. Yeah. Yeah.

The Yankee Clipper, baby. It was right there. Oh, there's 500 dunks a game, though. No, not that many. I think Bobby Jewel in Tampa had a Joe DiMaggio jersey in his house. Whoa. Yeah, like framed. Whoa. Look at this. It's drenched in Marilyn Monroe's pussy juice right here. Yeah, no, DiMaggio, man, that guy lived a life. You know, even though they were divorced?

he in maryland he sent flowers to her grave wow every week until he died every week i mean he also hit her so he's not like the greatest guy but hey you know you even out i'm sure her corpse was like i mean you could have done some of this stuff when i was alive i'm sure uh i watched the arthur miller documentary i hear it's incredible it's really great some great writing tips yeah i remember i memorized one because i wanted to say it on here

He said you're your best writer when you're on the edge of embarrassment. You know, when you're like, I can't say this is too silly. That's when you're at your best. And then you dial it back a little. You don't you don't go over the edge and embarrass yourself, but you go right to the edge and stop there. Someone walks in while you're masturbating. You're like, good. Yeah, that's kind of prolific. What does that mean, Mark? Exactly. What do you think that means exactly? I think that means you got to get vulnerable and get close to like letting out everything.

But don't let it all out. Don't spill your guts and be annoying, but stop it right at the edge. And that's when you're at your best. You're like edging, but for your soul. Creative edging. Yeah. Yeah, I like that. Exactly.

But he was like a sexy Jewish guy. I mean, Death of a Salesman. Yeah. The other one. I saw Brian Dennehy in Death of a Salesman on Broadway. Wow. As a kid, my parents took us and we, he was incredible. Brian Dennehy was a fucking great actor. Yeah. Beast of a man. Beast of a man. That was Tommy Boy's dad, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's such an unexpected scene in Tommy Boy when he just died. You're like, wait, what? We're opening this comedy with your dad collapsing? I know. I know.

I rewatched that the other night drunk, and it's still great. It's fun. I love a good rewatch drunk. Yeah. I will say, it's fun watching movies from the 90s, comedies, because there's a little air in them. Like, now I feel like it's just bam, bam, bam, joke, joke, joke. There was a little bit more fluff in the middle. I showed Taylor Nutty Professor from the 90s recently, and I will say this, Eddie Murphy deserved an Oscar nomination for that movie. Oh, yeah.

That's an incredible. No doubt about it. Dude, he plays like 10 people. And it's like credit for playing like a fat guy and not just going for cheap jokes. Like there are some cheap 90s jokes in there. But like that character's got heart, you know? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And then Buddy Love is fucking hilarious. Right. And then he plays basically plays Richard Simmons in it. Yeah, that's right. I forgot about that. And then he plays the whole family. Those dinner scenes are incredible. He's the mom. He's the dad. The grandma. He's the grandma.

Come on, Cletus. That whole thing. The dad's name is Cletus. Yes. You know he just wanted to say Cletus. This is a good example, though, of people who go, you could never make that movie now. And everybody goes, shut up. You could never make this movie now. The whole movie is about fat people. It's about being fat. And how that's bad. But it's got horror. And the message at the end is loving who you are. That's true. So maybe you could make it. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

I don't know. I think they'd be like, you don't need to lose weight. Just love who you are, though. But that's what they did in the 90s. But didn't he get hot? Yeah, but then at the end, it's like he was like, it's about loving who you are. Oh, okay. So maybe it's... Well, that's proof that you can't make it because Amy got roasted online for I Feel Pretty. Oh, that's true. That's true. You are pretty. So why are you... Yeah. I don't know. But Eddie Murphy, they threw on a fat suit.

I mean, they tried to make a version of this later with Shallow Hal. That's right. That's right. And that was a pretty bad movie. Yeah. I love... It just wasn't... It just felt, like, mean. It was also weird that Jack Black was, like, this womanizer. It was like Jack Black and Jason Alexander, the two ladies' men. Right, right. The cocksman. And then it's also weird because you get, like, Gwyneth Paltrow playing, like,

It was all just weird. And then her interviews were terrible. She was like, it was horrible. It's not what you do. No one wants to hear a skinny white woman be like, it was terrible. I was so fat. The Farrelly brothers had a run, huh? I mean, they were on fire for a while. I heard that they didn't write Dumb and Dumber. Really? Who wrote it? I heard John Hughes wrote it.

Dumb and Dumber is incredible. I rewatched that on a flight because, you know, you're just stressing. You're like, man, this is a great movie. It's so good. That might be like my ultimate comfort watch. Yeah. It's up there as one of the best comedies, I'd say. Because it's just, there's no importance to it. It's just funny. And it's just non, I mean, they're so good together. You can't,

It goes to show you, when you try to recreate a comedy 20 years later, like, look, they did it with that. They did it with, like, Coming to America even longer. The magic's gone, dude. I know. I know. It just, it's gone. Yeah. You're different people now. It's sad how good, and this is gonna, maybe it isn't sad. Maybe I should have...

on the fact that we had it was like Eddie Murphy and Jim Carrey in the 90s. And Sandler, dude. And Sandler. I mean, it was just comedy. It was oozing out of him. It was unbelievable comedy. Got Chris Farley movies. Farley! Look at that run at the bottom there. Dumb and Dumber, Kingpin, Something About Mary, Me, Myself, and Irene. Me, Myself, and Irene is underrated. I agree. That's got heart, too. Renee Zellweger is great in it, too. Yes. She knows how to play straight for Jim Carrey.

I think Stuck on You is underrated. What's that? It's Greg Kinnear and Matt Damon are, I guess, conjoined twins. I was going to say Siamese, but I guess you also can't say anymore. They're conjoined twins. And it's like basically they're growing up and one falls in love with someone. And it's like how they're trying to – there's great scenes where they're trying to have sex and the other one just reads a book and he's just having sex because they're conjoined.

Right. Because Greg Kinnear is kind of a ladies man and Matt Damon is the shy guy. Oh, wow. They're really, Meryl Streep is a cameo in it. It's pretty funny, I think. Wow. It got bad reviews, but I saw it. I was like, I think this is really good. Really? All right. I think I saw the box and was like, this is going to be dumb. It was dumb, but it was still fun. All right. I like it. Stepbrother is also funny.

I mean, who doesn't think Step Brothers is funny? Yeah, I just don't feel like it gets brought up enough. Step Brothers? Are you being sarcastic? No, is it people talking about that? Oh, my God, yeah. I feel like the one that doesn't get brought up for Will Ferrell, and it is hilarious, is The Other Guys.

Other guy with Mark Wahlberg. That's a great movie. I never saw that one. Oh, it's fucking dude. All right. I feel like that came out and Nice Guys came out and I was like, they're both great. Okay. And they're both very different. Okay. All right. Both great movies though.

Oh, dude, I rewatched The Last Boy Scout. I hadn't seen that since I was very young. Man, it is not a good movie. You like it? I remember it when I was a kid. I mean, it is... You rewatch some of those 80s, early 90s action movies. You're like, this is insane. I mean, I rewatched Lethal Weapon, too. The first shot of Lethal Weapon is a woman with giant fake tits, open shirt, naked, and she just jumps off a building and smash. Pull it up.

This is all it took to open. Imagine screenwriting. You're like, her tits are huge. And she jumped through a car. You're like, yeah. Ladd's Boy Scout has so many scenes here. It's Bruce Willis and Damon Wayans. Is this her? No, this isn't it. I think it is. This is the opening scene? This isn't it. Well, if it's on YouTube, I can show the jokes. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you can't. We can't do it. But Matt, we can't get away with this, can we? Are we going to get pulled from YouTube? Well, they won't put the boobs on there. They could. On YouTube? No, no nudity. Oh, then it's not even worth saying. Yep. Then we're just watching a woman jump. Well, whatever gets you hard. You know, last Boy Scout it opens with like...

Bruce Willis has some great lines, but then some lines where you're like, Jesus Christ. Immediately his friend fucks him over and fucks his wife. And he walks in on it and he's just like, when do we stop being friends? He's like, when you started fucking my wife. And then right after that, he's like head or body and he punches him in the body. And then the friend walks into a car and it just explodes. What? It's so much. You can tell they're just like, just fucking add an explosion. Yeah.

It reminds me of that Simpsons episode where Homer's trying to cook and he puts some shit in the oven and it catches on fire. He tries something else, he puts it in the microwave and it catches on fire. Then he pours cereal into a bowl and it catches on fire. I love that shit. Oh, so good. Dude, uh... Erika Oleniak had a great topless moment in Under Siege. Which one was that? That was the Steven Seagal on the boat. He was on like an aircraft carrier. Wasn't that supposed to be his only good one? It is. It's pretty good, yeah. That guy's a real weirdo. Yeah.

He it's so funny that like some of those action scenes are you see clips and you're like, is he just like you see like Jackie Chan? He's doing like backflips and like creative stunts. Steven Seagal is just doing like shit with his hands. I know. And you're just like, I get that maybe this would work in real life, but it's not very cinematic. Yes. Yes. And he does shit where you're like, did you know that was funny or were you? Is that you sincere? He's so can we are we able to play this? Yeah.

Well, I don't know. You tell us there, Peters. I mean, whatever. Who cares if we don't monitor it? Hey, there she is. She was of Baywatch fame. Erika Leniak, also in Charles in Charge. Wait a minute. Oh, man. Was that YouTube? Yeah. Wow, I take it all back. Well, those tips could be guns.

I think he opened up the shirt, by the way. That's fucking... That's the 90s. I don't think I ever saw Steven Seagal movies. Oh, I saw Exit Wounds. Terrible movie. Oh, nice. No, Tupac. DMX, dude. Oh, he's in a movie with Tupac, though, I believe. Is he? I think he invented his own martial arts style. Steven Seagal. I thought it was like Aikido or something. Something like that. Oh, maybe he made one popular, at least. Hmm.

But yeah, he's got the ponytail. Some of those old movies, dude, they're just...

They're just fucking turds. Oh, yeah. But we watched them. Those 90s movies, you really didn't have to... Because I looked up, I'm like, this last boy scout, this could have done well in the box office. And it was like 114 million in the early 90s. So that's good. That's good. That's good now. I mean, you saw Bruce Willis on a movie box. You went and saw it. Vitor told me he saw it in the theater with his dad. And I was like, how old were you? And he's like, probably seven. The movie literally opens with a football player with a gun shooting people on the field and then taking a gun and shooting himself in the head. Wow.

And you're taking your child? Yeah. There he is, Aikido. Did he come up with this? No. Oh, okay. I mean, I don't think so. I think he's been around. He was a cop in Louisiana for a while. I mean, Steven Seagal has really run the gamut of him. But it's so unexciting. Yeah. Like the other guy's doing all the exciting stuff. He's just throwing people around. This is hilarious. That is pretty cool, though. This is what my dad used to do to me. I just booty bumped him.

This can't be real. Yeah, intern's getting his ass kicked. What the hell? Man, this is good coffee, by the way. That cookie not too shabby either. No, is this good coffee? Because you know your coffee, so I want to know what good is. I don't think I know my coffee. I think I just drink a lot of it. I think this is good coffee. Is there a term for a coffee addict? You got alcoholic, you got chocoholic, you got meth head.

What's the coffee one? Meth head. Caffeine. Should be meth tooth. Yeah, that's true. That's really what we were noticing. Right. Coke head. His teeth are in the head. Yeah. Coughaholic. Oh, okay. Coughaholic. That sounds like a guy with COVID. Any peeves this week? Oh, I got too many because I haven't seen you in so long, but I'll save some. Save some, but give me a couple. I'll give you a couple here. How about this?

I went to a bar in Portland after my shows, like a dive bar. Love a good dive bar.

And I do the thing where I go, give me a high life and a tequila soda or whatever. And they go, all right, that'll be $8.68. What is this change? Was it really $8.68 or was it like $8.75? I think it was $8.50 or something. But still, I'm like, now I'm dealing with change at a bar. I hate the change at a bar. Dollar bills only. Round up or round down. Exactly. So now you're giving someone like a tip of $2.50? Yes.

Exactly. Very weird. Charge me nine and I'll be having. Charge me the extra 50 cents. I'd rather that than being like, I'm scooping up change or I just give them the change and you look like a deadbeat either way. Was it a cash only bar too? It was. That's insane. It's insane. Also, bringing cash to a bar is crazy. That feels like a place to get robbed now. That's where people probably jump you. Oh, good point. Because who's bringing cash out these days? Cash is rare. And some people don't even take cash anymore. Have you seen this? I do just to tip.

I'll get changed and leave something in the hotel room. I don't walk around with cash usually. Oh, I do. Do you? Oh, yeah. Let's see how much cash I have on me. This could be fun. I got some. Do the whole thing. Oh, you know what? I do have cash on me. On the table, please. Yeah, I got cash. How much do you have on you? Should we count? Yep. Wow, you got a lot, Mark. That's a lot of cash. What the hell? Count it.

- Oh man, now this is good pie. - See I got a lot of fives and tens 'cause of tips and stuff. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - But let's see. Yeah I got about like 150 or so here. I don't have a ton of cash on me. Look at you, Jesus man, what the hell? What are you guys doing? What is this, The Sopranos? What the hell are you doing here?

Oh man, look at that. Woo! Hondo, two Hondo. Mark, what are you, Mark, this is not smart to be, you know, you know what? Mark, what the fuck? Oh man. What the hell are you doing? Oh my God, I'll tell you. Why do you need this kind of cash on you? It's a long story. I mean, this is over $1,000 in cash here. That's, I mean, in hundreds alone. You don't want this out there. People are going to rob you. Well, this is a fluke. This is a fluke. Get the cookie. Um...

So I did a show. I did Rogan. And then he goes, you guys want to do a set on my show at the whatever room? We go, sure. And now we're like half in the bag. He feeds you whiskey all night. So now me and Shane and Ari go to his show. And then I didn't realize this. We do his show. He takes us all out for burgers after. And he goes, oh, I got to pay you. He gives us $1,000 each in cash. Oh, wow. He pays you $1,000. We did 12 minutes. Classy guy. Classy guy. I mean, when you got that much dough, you know, you can really throw it around.

Very cool. That's mostly where this is from, and the rest is from just random shit. Okay, I want to rewind this. Who brought up the idea of how much cash do we have in our pockets? Because it was you. Yeah. Why? He knew how much money you had in your pocket. Yeah, well, I knew it would be good visual.

Leave that for the intern, Matt. I got very little energy with my $75 in music money. Oh, that's good. But no, I got to deposit this. I thought I would have none on me. I just happened to throw on show pants. Do you ever get a guy handing you money after a show? Like, that was a great set. Here you go. Here you go. I don't really do the meet and greets anymore. I'm too tired. I get it. I get it. It's exhausting. I'll do it at some point again. Yeah.

Yeah, I'll do it again. But man, some of those drunks, they just ruin it for everybody. They really do. I had one guy, he got thrown out of the 4 p.m. show in San Francisco. Wow. He was that drunk. That's crazy. He was...

He was just like yelling stuff out. He's like, you like cocaine? And I was like, well, I can tell you do. And he goes, I'm on a lot of cocaine. I was like, all right. I was like, I hope you're all right, man. And he was like freaking out a little bit. That's bad. That is tough. I'm like, it's a fucking matinee, dude. I know. You're coked out at the matinee? That's the opener's job. Yeah, right? It's just wild. Like, I'll get, I'll check my, what do you call those? Like the Insta stories where they tag you and it'll be like,

We're at the bar and it's like eight guys doing shots like going to the Norman show. And I'm like, the next one of them just beating the shit out of the homeless guy. Like, Jesus, my fan base is animals. And you're like, look, I appreciate you coming. I'm glad you guys are excited. But like, this is still a show. You know, it's still a sit down in a chair and be civil and civilized. But some people just get blacked out.

Yeah. Don't pregame for a comedy show. Enjoy the show. You can pregame, but just know your limits. Yes, know your limits. Like, we like boozing, we like drunks, but just...

We like drunks who keep it together, too. I get booed sometimes when I have a water bottle on stage. I'm like, I'm trying to stay hydrated here so I can put on a good show. And people are like, do a shot. And I'm like, I got two more of these tonight, dude. I had to get to the venue at 3.30 in the afternoon. That's the irony. Do a shot. You're like, the show will be worse. Your show will suck. I try to plan the coffee into booze thing very well, especially on those three show nights because you're like, booze or muscle relaxer, what are we doing tonight? Yeah.

And I want, and usually it's booze. You know, I want the sleep. You just got to accept you're not getting sleep some of these nights. Yep. And then the next day you feel fucking incredible. That's true. I got like seven hours last night. I feel like a million bucks. No better feeling. No better feeling. It's the ultimate.

Supercharger. But, yeah, some nice song, just like, all right, you plan like... Sorry, the cookie. The cookie. You had two bites, Mark. You gave him half your cookie. You can't blame the cookie. The coffee. He burps. He's like, the money. It was the money that...

I'll tell you one great thing about the mask is I've been farting on these planes and nobody notices. It is nice on the planes. They can't smell it. You can fart on planes. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You can't? No, no, no. I do. Oh, yeah. No, it's like because of the mask that you don't really feel as much guilt. No guilt. Nobody knows. I've gotten a few of these before, like, but now with the mask, I never see that. Sometimes they do it right when they're serving food. Yeah.

I did a first class. You did first class cross country. I mean, I use upgrades on that shit, dude. No, it's worth it. You need. I mean, it's like you just want to not feel like I mean, especially on a 7 a.m. flight. Problem is, everyone wants it on the 7 a.m. flight because they want to sleep. Yep.

Yeah, I did Portland and then LA and I'm going to Vancouver this weekend. So I'm on my third week of West Coast. Well, thanks for not staying out there. I get how it makes sense. No, no. I mean, I knew we had to get back. Plus the ladies getting annoyed with all the travel. But thank God Thanksgiving's coming up. Yeah. A little quality time. Yeah. Thanksgiving's a good time. Yeah. One of the best holidays. But.

But my point is I got first class on one of them, and it was United Polaris. What? You got to stick with one airline, dude. I know. What are you doing? I don't know if this is one of Mark's cons, like the money, but you stick with one airline, you get upgraded all the time because you have status. You know that. I know. And I did it with it. I ran with Delta for years, but then- Delta's good. Delta's great. That's my favorite airline. But-

Ah, this United. I had to take it. There's footage of me shitting on Delta in one of my specials. I have a long bitch on Delta. But it's like they've really become my favorite. They fucked me once, but now I'm always forgiven. They all fuck you at some point. Yeah, they all fuck you. But it's the best airline, I think. By far. By far. I like that lounge.

Oh, the United lounge sucks. Does it? Oh my God, it sucks. It was jam packed and I was sitting at a table and this Indian couple was like, can we sit with you? There's no, and I was like, yeah, please, please. They sat down. We started chatting. We had a great time. He's like, no one wants to work. This, this lounge is trash. It was just great. And we, he's like, I'm a Delta guy and this lounge sucks. They have like cup of noodles and a Ritz cracker. It's horrible.

and how do you feel about ritz crackers i'm not a cracker guy really not even like i think wheat thins are pretty good i'm in the minority here you like crackers yeah to me it's just you're eating it's like cardboard with salt that's the whitest shit ever i'm a big fan of all crackers yeah i love crackers i uh what's your favorite i i love a ritz i like a wheat thin how about a triscuit

That's not a cracker. Really? We got a debate here. How about one of those fancy cars crack pepper type crackers? As long as there's cheese.

Oh, with cheese on it. Yeah, I could spread some cheese on it. See, now it's a vehicle because you just want the cheese. Yeah. That's why I don't like it. Same with bread. I'm off bread because I want the meat. I want the mayo. I want the lettuce, the tomato. I don't need the bread. You don't want a sandwich? To me, that's like, I think we just grew up in New York, so it's like you need deli sandwiches were like a part of my diet for so long. I can't just shake them. I still go to my corner store just to get an egg sandwich like every day. I mean, look, an egg sandwich, you can't beat it, but we're getting one later and that's why I got the wrap because I want the egg sandwich.

Like I grew up with po' boys, which is like 88% bread and then shrimp or beef or whatever. So you were over breaded. I was over breaded. Yeah. Yeah. So now I'm off bread. I'm going against the grain. All right. That's a tweet. But yeah. Who needs it? I feel like I'm getting duped.

Like, you know, you get these pieces of slices. You don't like good bread? I do, but it's... Like a good baguette? Eh, not really. I don't want too much. I don't like when it's like crazy. Oh man, but like a good panini or something. I'm fucking love making a panini. But you ever get a thick crust piece of pizza and you're like, this is bread and then this is the topping.

Yeah, but Chicago does it right. All right. But I'm a thin crust guy for sure. Oh, yeah. Like New York's consistency with pizza. Like everyone talks like, what's your spot in New York? I'm like, that's the beauty of New York. You don't even need a spot. Good point. Every corner spot is solid. That's a good point. So people are like, where are you going? I'm like, that's how good it is. We don't celebrate it. Yeah. We just know. I like that.

Joe's is great, but the next one down is like right here. Yeah, Ben's is really. Joe's also late night slips sometimes. Like they'll hand you like a burnt slice and you're just like, dude. Good point. And they're like, all right. I'm like, you tried to fucking con me. You tried to con me with a burnt slice and you thought because it was 2 a.m. you were going to get away with it.

Because the drunks... You didn't count on it as I'm sober because I just did a set. Yeah, the drunks won't notice, but you got it. Yeah. Because I got a picture of Leonardo DiCaprio on the wall. They can get away with murder. They do have young Leo, too. I know. So it's legit. Hot Leo. He's got a new young lady. He dates really young. 22. It's very young. It's a little young. Something's missing when you go that young. Oh, yeah. Hey, you ever seen that elf? Who's elf? You're like, all right. That's my barometer. That's my test. Yeah.

You ladies know Alf? Yeah? Let's fuck. Alf. Yeah. Which Married With Children are you on? The one with Ted McGinley or the guy before? Steve. Yes. Is that her? Man, he's had a resume of real Bettys, huh? Holy hell.

Jeez Louise. I heard he's packing a piece too. You know, he probably gets rid of them really easily. Like he bangs them and then he's like, we need to talk about climate change. And I'm like, all right, I'm out of here. Yeah. He does a whole thing where he saves the tigers. That's his move. Yeah. So even his philanthropy is cool. You know, it's not just like, Hey, we got to recycle. It's like, Hey, we got to help these tigers. We need to stop the next Cecil from happening. You know, that was a lion. Yeah.

He likes... Nice. Well played. He likes...

It's weird. Like some people see people be like, you know, save the elephants. Yeah. And it is cruel. And you see like these elephants that are like gigantic and they're just in this cage. And then you're like, well, then you think about how we live. Our apartments aren't that big either. Yeah. Good point. And they're getting free food. I mean, they are prisoners. Yeah. Yeah. But Chris Rock had that great. But I love a bit where he says, save the trees, save the trees. Motherfucker. I see trees every day.

I was at the Thanksgiving Day Parade. I saw two real Indians and the rest were fucking Puerto Ricans. He's like, when's the last time you saw an Indian family eating at Red Loft? I love that joke. Damn. Oh, wow. Look how young. Man, he was hunky, huh? Well, actually, he's more twinkie, but he's cute. He's just so young. He looks like a hot chick. Yeah, would you?

I think in the Gilbert Grape days, I would have. You give them a little basketball diaries action? Yeah. Now, what is it with men? Their face gets wider. Val Kilmer has it. Alec Baldwin has it. Val Kilmer is cancer. Whoa. And Alec Baldwin's very old. Well, I'm just saying, but the face goes out for some reason. I hope that doesn't happen to us. Maybe it's from killing a man or a woman. Sorry. Woo. Yeah, Rittenhouse has got a huge face. Huge face. Yeah.

But yeah, just saying. There's something about dudes, their face gets bigger. And I thought it was because of booze, but a lot of these guys don't drink. I think that's the way it is too. I think your face just gets, you get a little fatter. It's just part of getting older. Yeah, but some people get it and some people don't. I don't know. Yeah. Like Brad Pitt still got a nice face. He's square. He's got a square face. Does he? He's also definitely had work done. Oh. There's no way Brad Pitt hasn't had work done, right? I bet he has. You get that, you're known for it. You got to maintain it. Yeah.

Robert Redford was like the Brad Pitt of his day. Oh, yeah, that's work done. You can see the eyes are a little squintier. Yeah. Still looks great. Don't get me wrong. He's actually working on a new film, Memoirs of a Geisha. Look at Robert Redford. He did not get any work done, and he looks like the Crypt Keeper. He's 87, dude. I know. I'm just saying. He looks good. That's what you're supposed to look like. You know, he...

Yeah, Redford was cool, man. Oh, yeah. He was like the Brad Pitt of his day. Look at that, though. And Newman was like the Clooney. Yes. Clooney is on Marin today, by the way. I listened already. Is it good? It's really good. He's such a normal guy. It's great. I fucking love Clooney, man. Love Clooney. You want to hate him, but let's see. There's a Redford in the middle of that red shirt. Yikes. That'll wake the dead. But...

Once he made like Good Night and Good Luck, I was like, nah, he's legit. He's a legit like film guy. Well, what's cool about Clooney is he did all those like fluffy bullshit. He like facts a guy. What is it? Just the facts. What was that show? Facts of Life. Facts of Life. All that shit. Yeah, he's the hot handyman. One fine day. Yes. All just to direct. He did all that. It's like us. Like we do all these open mics and all this shit just so we can headline one day. Yeah. Real deal. Real deal. And handsome. Would you? Yeah.

I might go down on him. Would you? If you were a woman, is he your type? I would fuck him in the ass. There you go. You would? I'll give you that. Really? I wouldn't let him fuck me, but I would fuck him. All right. I'd give him all oceans 11 inches. All right. Really scraping the barrel today. I need some booze. We need a burn after reading this conversation here. Oh, brother, where are those jokes?

But yeah, Clooney's cool. Yeah. And he gave his friends each a million when he sold his tequila. 14. 14 friends. Million each. We suck to be that 15th friend. Ooh.

yeah that would be a bummer like i thought are you like you're like i thought that was kind of i thought we were close because you always think you're closer with someone at that level right or how about the guy was like tequila company you really want to do that then later he's like oh i was gonna give you a million but you told me not to do it so fuck you yeah damn yeah it sucks oh yeah we should do it yeah yeah all right let's do it right now uh

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It's not Robert Pattinson. Matt, what are you doing? It's just the new Batman's underwear company. Another hunk, by the way. And a good actor. Time Out, or what's it called? Another guy who did Twilight, but you could tell he actually wants to do good shit. Exactly. You gotta get in the door, folks. Some ladies do it with porn and tits. And it works. We all remember Laura Linney's porn phase. She's great.

Great actress. She was at Gotham one night. What? Yeah, she was in the crowd. I was like, I want to meet Laura Linney. Was she Ozarks? Ozarks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's good. Good actress. Was she? No. Who am I thinking of? Who was in The C Word?

The C word? Wasn't that a showtime show? I think Laura Dern. No, I like Laura Dern too. She's kind of hot in a weird way. I don't know if that's insulting. Yeah, I don't think it's a compliment. I mean, you can say it. I don't think a woman would be like, hey, you're attractive in a very strange, off-putting way. I don't know what it is. Well, it's a little, she's off the beaten path a little. A unique look. I think that's how you say it. There you go. Who's in the C word? Oh, maybe it wasn't her. The L word? Maybe the L word. Is that something? I don't know.

The L word. Matt, you're annoying Matt. All right. Well, just don't go to the N word. That's a whole different show. Is it one of these women here? No, no. She's in something. She was on a sitcom, but I could be wrong. All right, forget it. The L word. Hey, man, we, so... Lesbian? Was that what the L word was? Yes. Okay. Okay.

I got a P for you. Really thick hot chocolate. Whoa. You ever go to like a bakery and I'm like, I didn't order a hot chocolate concentrate. Yeah. They just hand it to you. You're like, I can't even get through this. It's so thick. It's syrup. It's like a melted chocolate bar. Yeah. It's like, they think it's like rich and, you know, but I was like, hey man, I got hot chocolate so I could, you know, move the rest of the day. Yeah. Yeah.

That's a good one. Wow, that is a specific. Very specific. It happened to me many years ago and we walked by the store and Gary goes, I fucking hate a thick hot chocolate. He goes, so do I. Look at that. Yeah, that's too much. What is this shit right here? You're eating a brownie mix, basically. And it's fine for a sip. You're going to hit me a whole glass. Give me a shot. I'll do a chocolate shot. Yes, I'm with you. That's just fudge.

Fuck that. Fuck that, dude. No, thick hot chocolate. That's the problem. Fuck that. Thick hot chocolate, decent porn search, but not great to consume. I'm with you. It's too thick. It's supposed to be refreshing and homey and comforting. You don't want to drink it with a spoon. Yeah, it's a peeve. You got any recs? Good peeve. Here's my rec.

You're not going to like it. Uh-oh. Why? It's a little basic. Take a walk was breaking ground? I'm saying it's on that level. Okay. I like it. I like when you give basic ones. All right. Get yourself... A sponge. Let's get that far off. What are you saying? A lint roller. I'm saying you'd be shocked. Next week, it's going to be a ShamWow. What are we...

A lint roller? You get a lint roller. Is this because you have a cat? Well, maybe, but I also have a hairy girlfriend. She's got hair all over the tub and everything, all over the shit. You hit yourself with a lint roller, you wouldn't be surprised how much DNA and hair and follicle and all this dust on you. You'd be a new man after a lint roller. I went on Amazon. I ordered like 10 of them.

I think it's the cat, though. Maybe it's the cat. Don't you think, Matt? He looks clean. Thank you. Well, you look clean, but I think the cat is doing the most of the damage here. I mean, because you're a comic, you wear dark colors a lot. Yes. I mean. That's true. Telling you. Get one. Is it the tapey kind or the scrapey kind?

The tapey. This is the scrapey. Oh, that's cat only. I'm talking, this is hair, lint, dandruff, dust, dander, everything. I got a good dandruff cure. Oh yeah? Yeah, I've talked about it early on the show. I think the scraper, you put the shampoo in, but then you use that little head scrubber and it really gets in there. Wait, pull one of those up. What is it called? It's like a head scrubber. Head scrubber. I don't know this. That could be wrong. That might be the name, but. Another good form. Yeah. Yeah.

Head scrubber? Yeah, those things. Oh, I like it. And I do this when the shampoo's in? Yeah, yeah, and you rub it in, yeah. You rub it in there, you get in there. That's a key to a good scalp, too, because Gary Goldman has a beautiful, beautiful head of hair. And I was like, what's the secret? What's the key? And he goes, activate the scalp. And I think that's what that does. It activates it. I think he told me he doesn't shower a lot. That'd be great if he just told different things to everyone. He's just going around lying.

Activate the scalp. Don't shower. I think we do overshower, too. Oh, my God. We've talked about that before. Too much showering. Yeah. I don't wash my hair all the time. I got a Brillo pad up here anyway, but I mean, too much showering. Yeah, same. I agree. And you just take the oils out of your hair. I think it's supposed to have natural shit in there. Look at that. He's got beautiful brown-black locks. Luscious. Yeah. Look at those locks. And a decent clavicle, if I might add. But, yeah, don't wash. Would you?

I'd fuck him in the ass. I feel like we could both win on that. Yeah. Yeah, Goldman's great. Just play Carnegie Hall. Oh, congrats to him. That's amazing. One of the great stand-ups. Amazing writer. Oh.

got me in at the Comedy Cellar. Whoa. So thank you, Gary. Look at that. Yeah. All right, I got a rec for you. Hit me. This one's even cheesier than yours. All right, gonna be tough to beat that lit roller. Find inspiration. That's my rec. Gary and I were in San Francisco walking around. We're hitting a little... We hit Mel's Diner, classic little old school diner. The waiter was a fan of the podcast. Whoa. Yeah. All right, waiter. He goes, I listen to We Might Be Drunk all the time. I was like, all right. We go to...

We passed they're doing the Leonard Cohen exhibition who I know I drunk I don't remember this episode this patreon cuz I was hammered where I said Leonard Cohen's better than Bob Dylan I stand by it brother, but let me tell you another thing I Got Hulkamania on your ass right there But we passed the Leonard Cohen exhibition which I had seen at the Jewish Museum here in New York It was just happened to be showing there and I said Vitor we got to go Gary's not a big Leonard Cohen guy And he was like this is incredible really yeah a lot of it's like it's like a

One of those, geez, what do you call, what's the word? It's kind of like, it's immersive. It's like the way the Van Gogh thing, they did that one. But it's snippets from interviews, songs. He says so many wise things. So you see that and you're like, man, this guy was cool. There's one part where he talked about the poet Lorca. He said, you know, the writer Lorca, he said,

I didn't steal his voice, but he gave me permission to find my own. He talks about words that inspired him. And you're like, that's fucking awesome. I loved it. So get inspired. Go out and do good shit. Also, I got a movie rec for you. Rewatch it. It's streaming on HBO Max. It's a great movie.

Collateral. Oh, I love Collateral. Great movie. Tom Cruise as a villain, which is awesome. Yeah, Michael Mann. Michael Mann, a great movie. Maybe his best. I mean, Insider I love. Heat is a classic. Yeah, Heat. Heat is my third probably after those two. Those two are incredible. So good. Dude, Tom Cruise is great. Jamie Foxx is always great. Always great. I love movies like this. It's just this kind of the whole thing takes out in one night or two nights, and it's just this kind of a...

I don't want to say nothing story, but it's not like this big epic bullshit. It's just two dudes and their feelings and their night, and it's great. Good dialogue. Yes. Tense. You don't know what's coming. There's a lot of turns where you're shocked. Yeah. And I'd seen it before, but I'm watching with Taylor, and she hadn't, and watching it unfold for the second time, you're like, oh, this is pretty...

It's pretty damn right in front of your face, but you still don't see it coming. What do you think the coyote means? Sorry. The coyote? There's one scene where they pull up to a red light and a coyote runs by. It's like the only scene I don't like. Yeah. I didn't like the music they played in that scene ever. It felt very out of place. It felt like they were shoving in symbolism. Forced. Yeah. I don't know. I think it comes from a book. And my friend who I saw it with told me, he said, in the book, the Tom Cruise character is Japanese. Oh.

And he comes to America, he has to pull off these assassinations. That's why he needs a driver because he doesn't know his way around. Ah. How do you like that? Interesting. Okay. Yeah. Great movie. Good rec. That movie, you know what you can tell a good movie because this came on once in a green room and I was in there with like four guys and we're all talking and then two minutes later we're all just glued in. It gets you from the jump. Yep. And it's surprising. There's a lot of amazing turns.

It's just a great movie. And I also got to shout out one of our listeners because we on the Patreon, we get we get recommendations. We get pet peeves. We get joke ideas. We get drink ideas. They told me to watch the movie Something Wild with Jeff Daniels and Melanie Griffith and a young Ray Liotta, Jonathan Demme film. I watched it.

I loved it. Is that the piano one? No, it's basically about a yuppie, Jeff Daniels, and he just meets this woman in a coffee shop and something's off about her and he likes her and she convinced him to just go on a drive. They end up fucking in a hotel room and...

They end up going to her high school reunion and her crazy ex-husband, or I guess still husband, Ray Liotta's there. And things get weird from there. Oh, interesting. And it's a movie with a lot of different...

A lot of different tones. It surprises you in tone shifts. And Leota is incredible in it. He's just so fun. He's scary and funny. It's a good movie. I've never heard of it. I like movies where they're hard to classify the genre. Yes. Sounds like a David Lynch.

It's kind of like that. Yeah. Which I don't know Lynch very well. We talked about this on the Patreon. Norman and I both were like, we're not huge David Lynch guys and we know people are going to fucking hate that. I couldn't get into Twin Peaks. Yeah, I can hear that. Me neither. Too eerie for me. Yeah, like weird for weird sake. Yes. Campy too. It was a little campy. Right, right. We're going to get railed for this one. We're going to get railed. People whose opinions I really respect love that show. Yeah. Same, same. Just not my cup.

But I'll check this out. This looks like a fun romp. Yeah. I'm into it. All right. Good Rex. Better than Limp Roller, I'll tell you that. What do you got for a joke? Oh, for a bit. All right. This could be dumb. This feels very... I mean, that's everything we've run on here, right? But I haven't tried this on stage. I ran it by him earlier. I don't know what he thought, but...

I had a thing with the AT&T where you got to call in, they fucked up my bill, you know, and you got to do customer service and press one for English, press two for Espanol, press three for billing, and you got to do the whole thing. And you're so mad. And then you finally get on with an operator after 20 minutes and you just want to yell at her, but you also don't want to lose her. Yeah. And have her hang up on you and be like, sir, you can't talk to me that way. So I think on these calls, these IT calls, they should hire a guy just to yell at. Yeah.

Just a guy you can be like, fuck you, you piece of shit. You don't know what I'm going through. And he's like, I understand, sir. I understand. And then you click back over to get your shit fixed. The punching bag. Yes. Because you're so angry, but you can't let it out on them. And you get the lady at Delta like, sir, this is not my fault. I'm just working the desk. And you're like, I know, but I missed my flight because of you fucking cut. And she's like, I didn't do it. But we need a person who you can just chew out as part, like somebody they hire.

And that guy gets paid really well. Yes. The human punching bag. The guy who comes on, he goes, your mother raised a little bitch. And he's like, she did. Yeah. I'm a bad boy. He just takes it. Yeah, I fucked your wife. He's like, I know she liked it or whatever it is. Just this part. But would that one make you feel better if he played along? No, yeah, good point, good point. Like, you know what? I deserve that. Yeah. Like, this company sucks. You work here because you're a pussy, you're a piece of shit. You never amount to anything. He's like, ah.

It's hard because a lot of the times, like, everything's understaffed now because of COVID. It's crazy. People just stopped working. A lot of people were like, I'm good. Fuck the job. Yeah. I think they realized how short life is. And they were like, yeah, I'll get by on some other shit, you know? And that's why I love these service jobs now. Like, you know, we work at clubs. And like, how many times you at a club? And the show starts like 45 minutes late because it's like...

And you can't even get mad because you're like, it's understaffed. It's understaffed. So then these people who are still at these jobs, you're like, oh shit, you need to have this job. So they're really not taking shit anymore. No, no. They're really not. Yeah, people know and like nobody wants to go into an office. They all want to work from home. Once you know what can be done, you're not going in. You're not going to do that extra mile because you're like...

Fuck this. I can get a job somewhere else. Something about, yeah, about just cursing them out too. It's like, uh, it would be feel so good. And you'd want to stay with the company. Like, Hey, you're going with sprint. I'm staying with Verizon. They got a, they got a punching bag. It's one of the features. Press forward and let it all out. Yes.

I don't know where the turn is. Just some really weak-willed guy like, hello? And you're like, you fucking piece of shit. You know what you did. Right, right. Like, sir, can I help you with anything else? Yeah, can you roll me over to Bob so I can chew him out? Just something where you can really let it out. He's in a gimp suit. He's like, mm, mm. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know how to really package it, but I think it's a fun idea. There's something there. Yeah, I don't know what the turn is. Yeah. We get pent up all throughout the day, and then there's just nowhere to put it. Yeah, and these companies will fuck you over, and you just got to accept it or cancel the company.

Or, you know, cancel your prescription or subscription or whatever it is. But it'd be nice to get it out. And no one cares if you're like, oh, take my business elsewhere. They're like, yeah, I'm not working on commission here. It's not enough. Yeah, exactly. You know what's interesting about the cable companies? I called Spectrum once. I was like, I think I'm going to cancel. I don't need cable anymore. And they were like, well, what can we do to keep you here? And I was like, I don't know, charge me half. And they were like, okay, we'll do that. You can barter with your cable company. Fun fact. It's old school. Yeah, I kind of like that.

Try it. Do you have a TV cable or no? I don't. No, you just internet. You mean I got streaming and all that.

Oh, yeah, you guys have the thing. Yeah, we do. We got the chip. Salacuse is... We won't say the name of the service. We won't say anything. Mark really floats through life without a care. Salacuse is terrified. He's a father. You're fine. But, yeah. All right, so I'll noodle with that. I'll play with it. I have a couple ideas. Here's one.

I went by a motel the other day. I was just walking by a motel and it said, we have HBO. Who's getting swayed by that in this day and age? There's crackheads and there's needles in the parking lot, but they're like, succession. Why do the crackheads have HBO? Right, right. That's true. That's true, yeah. I don't know if there's a joke there, but I saw that. I was like, that's a weird, maybe that's nothing. It's so antiquated. It's like saying, hey, we have hot water. Everybody's got HBO. Who gives a shit?

And also, I'm coming here to sleep. I'm not really here to watch The L Word or Six Feet Under. Why do you have to advertise it? Yeah. I'm bringing it with me. Right, right. Maybe that's nothing. Let me try a different one. Color TV. Yeah, yeah, no shit. Is this anything? There's an NBA coach who...

who has cancer now and he's and i saw one of the teams like post a thing of support that said your battle is our uh our battle coach and it's like but that's but it's not really true like you don't do that with anything else i don't see a i don't see a guy in like uh battle fatigue and go hey we're in this shit together dude you know what i mean yeah like it's like you're not doing anything yeah you're just fucking you're just pretending yeah so you can support someone say this is our battle

You're not going through chemo. No. You're not going through radiation. Yeah. You're just saying that. The coach should use it. Oh, it's our battle? All right. You take this round of chemo. I'll sit it out. It's our battle? Yeah. You're losing your eyebrows and your hair too. Let's go. Yes. There you go. Everybody's got to shave. Yeah. You should at least have to get drunk. I want to see you at least vomiting if I'm vomiting. Right. Yeah. Yeah.

Our battle is... I'm fucking off. I got nothing, brother. Well, maybe the team could use it too. Like, oh, you lost three games in a row. Well, we all have cancer. It's not easy. We're battling this here. I don't know. I got nothing. I'm fucking... I either have jokes that are working or I have jokes that are nothing. Yeah, I don't know if that punching bag thing will go anywhere. We got another ad, though. Let's do one more ad. Hey, We Might Be Drunk is brought to you by honey.

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That's joinhoney.com slash drunk. Oh, yeah. All right. Well, I feel like the fact that we both have off bits is a good sign. Why? Because that means we're writing a ton. I got some new stuff cooking on stage. Same. I got a couple. Yeah, a couple. It's tough, man. It's tough to write new jokes, and then it's like, I want to shoot something in the next four or five months, and it's kind of like, all right, new hour. Right. It seems like...

It feels impossible right now to write a new hour. I know. The idea of it just starting to scratch is just, it's always so painful. Daunting, but it will, it can be done. And where are we going? You know, we, we got all the time in the world to write new shit. Yeah, dude.

The fans are so great because the drunks out there, because I got like four bits that we worked out on this in my act. And they're like, I love seeing it on the show, then seeing it here on stage. It's so cool. They're part of the process. I mean, and more than just this way and at the shows as well, because we're working out there. So we appreciate you guys. Appreciate you guys in the Patreon, patreon.com slash we might be drunk pod. You're the best. We got a lot of road dates coming up. Where are you going to be, man? This weekend.

I'm in Vancouver. We got one show left. We added a show, so there's tickets there. Then I'm in New Orleans at the Howlin' Wolf. First place I ever got paid to do comedy. And then Comedy Castle in Royal Oak, Michigan. The Buckhead Theater in Atlanta. Charlotte Comedy Zone. I'm in Toronto for the Dark Comedy Festival. Milwaukee Improv in December. Syracuse Funny Bone. Ah!

My all-time nemesis, Kansas City Improv, and all kinds of good stuff coming up. So tell a friend. Where are you going to be there, Samuel? We're a lot of the same place. I'll be at the Charlotte Comedy Zone as well. Good room. I'll be Miami Improv in December. Also, I'll be in where else? Addison. That's a fun room. Oh, Addison. Yeah, Dallas. That's in December. Richmond coming up. Nice. McGroobies coming up.

A lot of other dates are coming. Sacramento, New York sold out pretty quickly for the Gramercy, so a bigger venue is coming. I hope you guys pay attention. I'm very excited about it. We never even talked about Gramercy. Yeah, so we'll talk about Gramercy next time. Hey, man, it was great. I'm grateful for the listeners and you guys on the road. It's been awesome. Yes, thanks for the peeves, the questions, the wrecks, the drinks. We got some new drinks coming, beer juice coming next week, and the paper planes are out

there. Everybody's talking. People are loving the paper planes. We get tagged in a ton of those. Huge. Those took off. I don't know why that one more than the others. It's such a good cocktail. It's a great cocktail. Great name. And they look great too. They look great. All right. Well, thank you guys. We love you. Thank you. Keep on drinking.