Ep 48: Bubble Tea
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We might be drunk, we might be drunk As long as we are hanging out, you know we might be drunk Raise a glass, let's talk shit, pep heaps, wrecks and a bit Maybe drunk, we might be drunk, yeah

Here we are, folks. It's a balmy October day in New York City. The weather is changing. I put a light jacket on. I did the premature jacket. Really? Well, you know when you put a jacket on and you're like, I want to wear a jacket, but it's not actually that cold? Yeah, yeah. I love New York in the fall. You do the same thing with the shorts on the other side of the things. That's right. Yeah, yeah. That's a good point. Yeah. And ejaculation.

I'm premature all over. I threw a jacket on, but it's kind of chilly out today. It's a little chilly and it'll probably keep dropping, but I got a 1972 George Carlin, some kind of special he shot. Oh, dude, spin around. Show the people. It's a nice jacket. Look at that.

It was supposed to be a cartoon special, but it never went through. Cartoon special? Yeah. Now Tig Notaro did that. I know, I know. Here's my issue with cartoon special, because I've done cartoon clips, and I posted them. This guy animated them.

People want your facial expressions. That's true. Yeah, it's kind of cool seeing it as a cartoon, but it doesn't hold up. Yeah. You get like a 30 seconds of, ah, that's fun. That's what it is. Yeah, like remember Shorty's watching Shorty's? Great idea, but it just kind of didn't. Didn't fly because you're like, I want Patrice. You know, I get it that it's a great story and he's a great storyteller, but I want to see him.

It's also funny. It was Patrice and DePaulo as babies, which is kind of great because it softens their edge. That's a good point. I like that. But yeah, I...

I just want to see the stand-up. Yeah. The only thing cool about it is, like, I remember one was Ted Alexandro doing the gym and the guys look like pigeons. Yeah. So you can actually see pigeon-y guys, and that part's fun, but... But the stand-up being acted out rarely works for me. Yeah. You know what it's like? It's like when people go, the book was better, and you go, shut up, you pretentious queef. But the stand-up's better. You want to see it in your head. You want to let the words paint it. Now you're right. You're right.

You're right. Let's get in this. Ooh, what do you tell the folks at home what we're about to break the hymen on here? About to pop the cherry of this bubble tea. We're going no alcohol this week because, for one thing, I had to drink a lot to survive Springfield, Missouri. So...

I hear that. How about you? Did you drink a lot this weekend? Yeah, I was in Rochester, so when in Rome, you gotta really hit the sauce. Oh, that one. I think Rome was safer than Rochester is right now. Yeah, less homosexuality.

What the hell's going on? You got to pierce it. You got to take the sharp end. I know, but look how wide this is. Oh, it's for the balls. Yeah, yeah. Oh, it's like my ex. All right. You suck hard enough, you get the ball. I'll tell you. I feel like we're in the wild here. I should have darted near next to you.

All right, let's do this. So I don't even know what a bubble tea is. I know Asians like it. I know it's sweet. I know it's candy. But is it healthy? Is it horrible? Is it diabetic? This is absolutely not healthy. Okay. It's pure sugar. Oh, geez. Great. We could have gotten a milkshake like a real American. But this is different, dude.

Damn, I can't pop this. Come on, you gotta use a little force. It's like a Capri Sun. Do we have any KY jelly back there? This is the Asian Capri Sun. Oh my God, I got to the syrup at the bottom. It's good, right? I mean, it's good, but Jesus. Whoa, Sam finished early. I'll tell you. I'm going to love myself. I got a squirter. Oh boy. There you go. Let me just get my nose in this real quick.

sorry matt oh are you serious jesus christ what a guy what a peters gotham studios i should have said i'm sorry right before i did that all right wow i mean this is too much this is for children oh that's yummy man i have a watermelon flavor on the bottom what do you got he got me green tea oh no this is pearl milk we go pearl milk

Did you give me a pearl necklace? I'll tell you. Pearl is the balls are called pearls. Oh, the balls are pearls. Pearl necklace. Yeah, there you go. Dude, that's really good. Yeah, I guess. But this is a treat. This is like a dessert. What do you think? What's a milkshake? Oh, okay. I always thought, you know, you hear tea. It's like, ah, it's a nice Asian beverage. This is fucking good, dude.

Is this China? Japan? Thai? What is the origin of the bubble tea? Squid Game? What are we talking here? Did you finish it? Not yet. I'm almost there. I gotta tell you, I'm a little disappointed. Really? Man, everybody hates the ending of shows. I don't like when it feels like more is promised. Like they keep saying, they keep giving you like little morsels and then you're kind of like, all right, well, we're...

I need a payoff for some of this. Yeah. It just felt like if a show is going to be that violent, I want a little more, you know. A little more substance at the end, like a message or a wrap up. Are you up to, are the VIPs there yet? Are the Americans there? They're coming in. The cop guy. That's when it goes downhill for me. Oh, really? Okay. All right. Like, look, there's good moments. It's, look, I can't argue with the fact that it's entertaining as hell. Yeah. It's violent as shit. I mean, I read a book before bed last night.

and I slept like a baby, and I was like, oh, maybe watching Koreans getting executed every night is not helping my REM cycle. Yeah, good point, good point. We're talking shot to the head, just senseless, you know, meaningless killings. That's my issue. It's so meaningless. I'd now want to look more for the M, but... Yeah, I hear you. It's kind of like Lost. This feels like Lost. The whole country's in on it, and it was this big thing, and it keeps getting more and more complex, and you're like...

I think they're laying track. Like, you're like, how are you going to figure this out? And then before you know it, you're at the end. Like, we don't know how do we got here. Well, apparently the guy who created it wrote every episode. I think that's a problem sometimes. Oh, really? Sometimes you need another set of eyes on that, you know? Interesting. But, yeah, it's... Have you seen him in interviews? No. Because you watch it, you're like, this guy's so intelligent. Then you read the interviews, you're kind of like, maybe he's not. Oh, really? Once the Americans came in,

It's kind of like, you're like, is this how the rest of the world sees us? Oh, shit. I didn't know Americans came in. Don't tell me too much. Oh, shit. All right. You didn't hear him on the phone? You were up to that where he's on the phone speaking English. Oh, I have it on dubbed. Oh, you can't watch it on dubbed? I like dubbed. Dubbed is odd. I go dubbed and subtitles because I want the words.

But the Americans come. Well, I mean, they call us round eye, which already is fascinating because to them, our eyes are round. And to us, they're not. Isn't that wild? The way other people perceive you is interesting. Yeah. Also, why isn't that a slur? Round eye? Yeah. I don't think it's nice. I don't mind it. You know what the problem is? I think we don't see it as a slur because we're like, oh, good. We have round eyes.

That's what it is. That's exactly what it is. Yeah, we're like, you're damn right we got round eyes. Americans are so full of ourselves that it's hard to insult us. That's what it is. It's kind of like Whitey. Like, hey, cracker, honky. You're like, and? Yeah, it's nice. What's the problem? Well, you can't walk around saying you're the best all the time and then someone calls you how you see yourself and you're just like... Yeah, it's great. Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah, good point. Right, like...

People make fun of black people's hair, but nobody really makes fun of white hair. I feel like I have the brillowy hair. You're in the middle. You're on the cusp of white and black. Yeah, I'm in the middle for sure. Yeah. How about you're a little more whitey hair? A little more white, but I got a toe in the Jew pool. Yeah. The Jew pool. We're going to dangerous territory here, I feel like. All right, all right. We'll call back. Squid games, yeah, it's like, it is...

It is entertaining, but the more I watch it, I'm like, was I seduced by the violence and the stakes and the colors? Yep. And is the content not that great? I think that's part of it. That's kind of how I feel. I'm like, man, this looks amazing. Yeah. And the brilliance of the show is its simplicity. It's just like...

people scared for their lives. How do they get out of it? Are they going to die? Are they not going to die? Good guy, bad guy. It's so simple, and I think it's easy to digest. It's kind of like a viral video where a fat guy falls down the stairs on roller skates. Everybody gets it. For nine hours. Yeah, exactly. Except at the end of the roller skates, a spike smashes his head through, you know? Yeah, right. He's dead. But, yeah, I don't know, man. I'm kind of like...

you know nice i don't watch it because there's no diversity and stop asian hate i say that's the problem with the show yeah that was my big joke on over the weekend was like all we talk about is diversity there's zero and we had a whole month long of stop asian hate and now it's just like let's eat popcorn and slaughter them well they can hate each other oh is that what it is we can't hate them that's interesting yeah they're allowed to hate

So then that means we don't really care about their violence or them dying. We just care about who's killing. Yeah, the source is the problem. Interesting. See, this is stuff that needs to be talked about. Oh, we're talking. I love it. I love it. Dialogue, folks. Dialogue, dubbed, the way Mark watches it. But what does that mean? Oh, sorry. It's the damn tile on my wallet.

So that was like the game where he got a... Don't tell me I haven't seen it. No, you saw it in the beginning where he's throwing the thing to make it flip over. Oh, yeah, that's right. Wow, I forgot about that part. Yeah, well, you forget the parts that aren't someone getting shot in the head. There's so much violence that you forget the nuance. But that's how you can get away with lack of nuance by just insane violence. Yeah, and it's also interesting. Look, we don't have to get too into it.

But it's interesting how we all talk about, like, your words are violent, those jokes are violent. This is violent. Yeah. And no one cares. No one cares. There's not one article going, this is my child sees this, he can't sleep, Sam Morrill has to read a book at night so he can get REM. There's no articles. Because they're characters. So are we. On stage, kind of. On stage. But don't you think, like, on some level...

Don't you feel like a pit in your stomach after watching this? Yeah. You don't feel good after seeing this. No, for sure. And you want more. You're almost bloodthirsty. Yeah. You know, you need more. But people like it. I think it's also got that Twilight Zone-y lost thing. It taps into something that people love where it's like the unknown and scary and spooky and weird. And, you know, the times are weird. Yeah.

You know, I think times are kooky, so we kind of relate to the guy in Squid Games. We're like, I feel like I'm trapped in something, and I can't say what I want to say, and all this shit. So maybe there's something to that. There's more I want to talk about, but I want you to finish it first. All right, all right. But it's, yeah, it's pretty...

It's pretty crazy. Look, there's a lot I like about this show. There's a lot where I'm just like, I just don't feel that good after watching it. It's kind of like, I get the feeling like watching Squid Games that I do jacking off to like a porno where you're just like, wow, wow. Then the second you're done, you're like, ugh.

Well, it is an Asian guy getting finished off. But you know what you got to do is you got to cut your squid game with a little Ted Lasso. That's the black and the white that you need to make the nice, what is it, black and tan? Or what is that drink called? Black and tan. Yeah, yeah. How about a...

We should have those here, by the way. New season of Succession. Do you watch it? Oh, I forgot! The premiere. All right, so we're doing these in advance. So the premiere just came out last night and-

It was fucking good. Was it? Oh, I'm going to watch it today. That might be the best show on TV. I completely agree. Watching it today. Can't wait. Totally forgot. I was sifting around going, what's going on today? What do I got here? Lasso, morning show, Squid Game, Saints of Newark, da-da-da-da-da, because I steal cable. So I got every channel. I got every show. And I forgot about Succession.

This podcast is getting pretty big to just announce you steal cable. Wow. Come on. You know it's not that bad a crime. Yeah, yeah. It's like stealing Wi-Fi. You'd never be like, I mean, I fuck kids, you know? Yeah, exactly. I'm not saying that out loud. But... Get that clip, by the way. Oh, no. Oh, no.

But, wait, what were we? Oh, stealing cable. No, but succession. Did I tell you my succession story? No. Did I tell you I auditioned for it? What?

What? I never told you this? No, I don't think so. Years ago. So you said the episode with the retreat and the stand-up comic, it's pretty poorly written. Yes. It's funny when people try to write stand-up, like the lines are like, I feel like I'm in a grain silo being like, where's the Wi-Fi? And you're like, ugh, we could have punched this up. I know, I know. But I remember going in and being like, I want this. I feel like this is like a hacky comic. I threw a blazer and a t-shirt on, went in. Beautiful. And...

They asked for my avails, which means I think my agent was like, I think you might have like, well, I was with Hillary at the time. She was like, I think you, I think you got this. They asked you around next week. Oh my God. And so she was like that. I think they want you. And I was like,

This is my favorite show. Get me on. And then they went Norrie Davis. He was very good. Oh, that's right. He was really good in it. He was good. But the lines are rough. He makes them work, but they're not. It's weird. Yeah. And he gave a little bit like he's a cool black guy. So it gave it a little bit of like they would hire that guy, you know, because they're like this cool hip company, like a tech company. So that makes sense. But damn, that's close. It was close. I was bummed. The avails. That's like when a girl takes the bra strap off and then puts it back on. You're like, oh.

Oh, you tease. It's just close. So close. But yeah, no, the show is killer, man. Killer show. So funny. Guy Rowe Peep Show. Is that right? Yes. I didn't know that. That's crazy. Two of the most different great shows ever. Wow. That's almost like a Simpsons thing where you can be incredibly silly and zany and smart comedy and have a great show. Man, I didn't know that.

Oh, dude, you know what we got to watch? Matt, can you pull that thing up that I was talking to you about before? Because we're talking about Netflix shows and how they have to do the most obvious shit for the viewer now. Look at this scene. Watch this scene. I saw this on my friend David Angelo's Twitter timeline, and I was like, this is where shit's at. You forgot your side sausage, right? Yes, thank you.

If you'd like anything else, we can have the cook whip up something in the kitchen. No, we're good. Thank you. He could probably do an Asian chicken thing, if that sounds good. We've got some rice back there. We can have that made up. We are fine. Thank you. Suit yourself. Just trying to be nice. The over-the-top hillbilly waitress. Obviously, you're not from around here. Ha! Oregon. America. I do have one question. What's your understanding of Chinese-American history? Oh, boy. You call me a hip. Ha!

Is this happening in 2021 in America? The Chinese came to this country. Oh, God, this is so forced. Those were the only jobs open to them. And we weren't accepted as Americans, so much so that Congress passed the Chinese Exclusion Act, as well as the Gary Act, the only U.S. law ever to prevent naturalization on the basis of race. It wasn't until World War II, 61 years later, that we even had the option of becoming citizens again.

- Ass. All right, I'm telling you. - Yeah, you got it. - Asians are having a moment right now. Shin-shi on Marvel, Squid Game, Crazy Rich Asians, Ronny Chieng, bubble tea.

It's all been around. But look, that scene, man, that is like, can you imagine writing that and think you're like, I'll show it. Let me create a cartoon racist. Yes. And then write the most obvious monologue. I know. He just had that in his back pocket. I mean, come on. You got to get that out of the diner. How familiar are you with it?

And by the way, you're not changing her mind with that. Right, right. You know what would change her mind? Maybe being like, hey, you know, it's not very nice to say. Let me whip out some academic... Let me whip out some history on you to just reveal what a dumb waitress you are. I know. By the way, you used to make...

You used to make shows where they were like, being racist was like a minor part of a character. Right. It wasn't the entire character. It wasn't their entire personality. That's not how racists are. They're not just like, Jew, Asian, Jew, Jew, Jew. You know how they are? They're like Jack Nicholson in As Good As It Gets. Yeah.

Yes. Well, he'll say something homophobic or anti-Semitic, but he's got other qualities. Yeah, exactly. That's how racism is. That's a great point. So true. Although you just described my set list. But yeah, you're right. That's true. They don't just come out and they would probably go in the kitchen and go, a couple of Asians out there. We should give them an egg roll. You know, that's really, in the words of Bill Burr, racism is quiet. Right. You know, it's not just like, hey, what are these black guys doing here at this bar? Ah!

Get out of here. What is that? I don't even know what the hell. Orange chicken in a fucking diner? I know. That's like the laziest racism I've ever seen. Yeah, that was bad, bad writing. They just had to get that spiel out. Maybe Ted Sarandos, the CEO, is still under the hot water with Chappelle and he's like, we got to get this in. We got to get all the racism explaining and the I've learned and all that shit. Get it out there.

That was tough. Man, I'm eating here. In like 20 years, there's going to be a scene like that, but for trans people. In 2021, we were under fire from comedian Dave Chappelle, but we fought back. Oh, that's great. What do you serve a trans person? What does the racist diner lady say to a trans person? Do you want to...

I don't even know, what is a non-binary meal, you know? Maybe like something like a butterfly, like it changes. Oh, yeah, yeah, right. I don't know. I don't know. That's a tough one. We got this for the studio. Woo! Rapping Rodney. From Springfield, Missouri. Man, Rodney did it all. He did cartoons, he did stand-up, he rapped, he did movies, he did TV.

What couldn't he do? This is going to look good somewhere. We'll figure it out. Yeah. Rap and Rodney. People are sending wall stuff. We got a bunch of joke books. Look at that. Playboy party joke. That looks old as shit. We should read some of those. We probably should, yeah. Can we do a quick clip of Rap and Rodney? It's on YouTube. It's so good. This is Rodney cashing in in 83 of the, I guess, Rap was Fresh and New, and his agent was like, Rodney. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Can you rap? He's like, how could it be, you know? You go together a few words, you do a few jokes. Oh, yeah. Rapping Rodney. Wow.

He's just doing his act. He's just doing his bits. Oh, look at these extras. A gig's a gig.

You gotta hit like 55 seconds in or so when the chorus starts. Oh god, they're all dancing. Oh man. Boy, how things have changed.

I mean, you get the point. That is solid. Yeah, it's pretty great. Can we do that with New Quick? Can we get a Tig Notaro doing mumble rap? Let's keep it going. This is like... Mulaney in auto-tune. Mulaney might work with that voice. That's true. That's true. Man, there you go. Look, it's a bunch of... It's a whole series. Who sent these in? There's a note up there. I should give the guy a shout out. Hang on. Hang on. Playboy party jokes.

Should I read one? Yeah. Oh, this is from Jared Hughes out of Dallas. Thank you. Antique joke books that I thought you might enjoy for the studio. Thank you. These aren't like short jokes. Oh, damn. I sent jokes in. Somebody told me if you send a joke in a Playboy, you get $100. And in college, I wrote like 20 jokes and sent them all in. Did you ever get in? Nah, I never wrote back. But that was my big attempt.

That was back in the day when I would go to open mics, watch, and not go on because I was too scared. Yeah, I did that sometimes. Yeah. A much-married Hollywood leading man was confronted by a pretty brunette at the premiere of his latest picture. Don't you remember me? She enthused. Three years ago, you asked me to marry you. Oh, really? Said the blase actor. And did you? Nah. That's not bad. Not bad. And did you? That's all right. Yeah, these are some short ones.

The English language is called the mother tongue because father never gets a chance to use it. All right. These are just tweets. All right. Yeah, these aren't great. We had a woman down home that was married nine times. She didn't like men, but she was crazy about wedding cake. These aren't great. Yikes. Man, being a comic is hard now. It's hard. Yeah, it's...

Yeah, it's all the same joke. The dazzling movie star was applying for a passport. Unmarried as the clerk? Occasionally, answered she. It's okay. There you go. It's like a good line in like a noir. It's not like a great standalone joke. All right, here we go. A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men at the bar asked him, what happened? I did a horrible thing, sniveled the drunk. Just a few hours ago, I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of scotch. Oh man, that is awful, said the other guy. And now she's gone and I want her back.

Right? You're sorry you sold her because you realized too late that you love her, right? Oh no, said the drunk. I want her back because I'm thirsty again. It's a long way to go. Yeah, it's not great. Oh wow, we got a racist rendition there. That's fun. Alright, alright, I feel like this is bad pie. A man has reached an old age where he can't take yes for an answer.

These stink. That's actually not bad. These stink. All right, so tell me about the Sin City, which is... Springfield. Springfield, Missouri. Good club, small city. Interesting. I mean, it's so weird to go from New York to Missouri where you're like, COVID is still a thing here. And then you go there and they're like, oh, we're not... We're keeping the shop open. If Grandpa dies, he dies. Oh, yeah. It's definitely, you know...

Missouri is a weird place. It's a different world. I mean, it takes two flights to get there. It's a tiny airport. It's a culture shock. I'm done with these two flights, man. Even if you get upgraded, you're like, you're still smushed. You're smushed and you're still like, oh, I have to focus. Like I just landed in Chicago and now I got to find Terminal B. Oh, dude, I barely made the flight back.

You see? Because we landed at like 2.34 and my next flight yesterday was boarding at 2.30. Oh. And I'm on the, it's Atlanta. I'm on the other end of the airport. Oh. I had to sprint.

It was like Terminal D, and then my next flight was in Terminal T. I'm like, why not just say Z at that point? You're fucking me. I was sprinting. And you're doing that thing where you're weaving through people with two heavy bags. Yes. And people are on their phone. It's like a fucking zombie video game. You're just weaving. I finally get to the gate, and I'm boarding. I got lucky. I got upgraded significantly.

So I wouldn't have been able to get my bag on. They had to check all the stuff. Oh, wow. So I get on when the last group is boarding. Delta. It was like fucking Indiana Jones, dude. I just sweeped under, grabbed my hat. It's always nice when you're – because the boarding process takes a while because everybody's so fat. And then there's like the guy in the rascal. There's the old lady. Yeah, so it takes a while. And that actually helps you.

Because you're like, oh, thank God. Or you see the lady arguing at the desk. You're like, great. Occupy them while I run here. It's like when we were young comics. You know when you book like six spots on a Saturday in the city and you're running late to a spot and you look on who's before you and it's a comic who always goes long. Goes long.

You're like, thank God this guy doesn't respect the show. I'm going to make it. Exactly. But when you're on time, you hate that guy. Oh, yeah. I hate him because then you don't make the next spot. Right. But sometimes it helps. But yeah, man. Springfield was cool. We definitely saw Nate Bargatze there the first night. He was in the theater. So great to see him. So funny, man. Love Nate. I did his podcast in Nashville. Hardest thing I've ever done. Why? Well, I love Nate. He's the funniest guy. He's a great comic. But he's clean.

And my whole joke repertoire is just queef and anal and Jews and this. And it's just, I sat in that chair just crying.

guessing everything I say because I don't want to be myself. You keep panicking. You're like, oh, it reminds me of this woman from Nantucket. He's like, oh, shit. Yeah, exactly. And it felt like I was eating dinner when I was 11 with my friend's parents. And you're like, yes, yes. Yes, Mrs. Johnson. I'm having a good school year. Yeah. I mean, I'm studying, you know. But I mean. You must have struggled with those. Oh.

Oh, I was a mess. Did you make fucked up jokes in front of your friend's parents? I tried not to, but you slip out. And plus, I had a fart machine as a kid. We're going...

You know, that whole thing. So I was just like, don't touch it. Took everything I had. And yeah, it was tough. And a lot of the parents were like, Mark's a bad influence. Really? Our son needs to go to church and all that shit. Yeah, yeah. Damn. Well, that was Louisiana in the 90s. Damn. Different world. But yeah, yeah. And then I started skateboarding. And a lot of the parents were like, that's, you know, what are they, pagan punks? Who are these kids? Pagan. Yeah.

That was a weird time. Man, so Nate, it was great to see Nate, his new materials killer in the theater. It's cool, man. Oh, you saw this material? Yeah, I got like the first 30 minutes. I had to change hotels that night, so...

I see a pattern. I need a nice hotel. You're the hotel guy now. Well, when you're on the road every week, man, you need a decent hotel. It was run down and dirty. I'm just kind of like, I don't want a beer for three nights. I'm on the road. I'm already away from home every week. Do they give you gruff? Do they go, all right, Diana Ross, I'll see you at the army? No, he didn't. It's kind of, I'm like, you want to see the room? They're like, no, we can't. Oh, really? Yeah, I don't think so. I think I know that hotel that he puts you in. It's not great. It's not great. Yeah, I remember that.

And he's a nice guy. He's a nice guy. The guy running it, so he'll accommodate. Part of Kanye West. Tried to get Kanye West on the ballot. That's right. So this is who we're dealing with as a club owner. That says everything about the guy right there. Open-minded, but still weird. Oh, yeah. There's such a thing as too open-minded. Yeah, pedophiles. Yeah. Way too open-minded. But, yeah. They might be closed-minded, though. How do you mean? Because they don't want to go over.

Oh, you think they play blackjack and they, and they get to over 16 and they were, I'm out. I'm out. They're like hit on 11. Give me another 11. Uh,

But wait, so how were the shows? Shows were good. I did get some of those crowds that were, I mean, the late show Saturday, I've never seen a drunker crowd in weeks. Wow. I mean, I shouldn't have said never because we've been doing this forever, but it's been a while. I mean, they were, the one woman in the front row, it's going to be a funny clip.

she was like playing with her breasts. She's a mom with her kids. She was like heckling me, playing with her breasts. I was like, what the hell is wrong with you? Damn. Then she, by the way, I was like, you know, you're like, you're going to be a problem. You're already groping yourself in the front row. And her daughter's like, mom, stop. Whoa. And I'm teasing her a little. And then toward the end of the show, she goes, Jew. Jew.

That's her heckle. Jew. And you can tell the crowd's like, what the fuck? Whoa. Because they're kind of like, this is, she's repping our city here. Yeah, yeah. This is a Jew from New York. We're not, I'm kind of like laughing. I'm just like, I mean, this is. Wow.

As you said, I don't think this is real racism. I know. You just said no one does that. So I was kind of laughing. I think she's hammered and trying to get attention. I wasn't like, this woman hates Jews. She's clearly doing the boob juggle and yelling slurs. Not slurs, but she's yelling your group at you. That's crazy. If you're playing with yourself right before the slur, I'm kind of like, eh, she's probably not in the right mind.

By the way, it's not a slur. It's just what I am. Sure, sure. But if you're like, black...

Black, black. It looks bad. It ain't good. But this is the difference between men and women. You're like, look at this fucking douche. And if a guy was playing with his dick and yelling, Chinese, Chinese, I mean, that would be a different... That would be a headline. That would be the front page of CNN right there. But it wouldn't make the paper in Springfield. Because it does happen. She's the mayor. No, she's the mayor. Dude, it was definitely...

One of those things. And then she kept yelling out, I'm German. I'm German. I was like, whoa. I was like, this is weird. A little threatening. Yeah, I teased. I shit on her pretty hard. It'll make a funny post. Thank God for the camera, because now you can weaponize. Not weaponize, but you can take back the power there. Take back the night, baby. Yeah, because any other time you're in the middle of nowhere, you're the only Jew in 100 miles, and you're getting called a Jew. She's playing with her tits.

Drunk crowd. And you're like, I just got to eat this. But now you can capitalize. Well, it's weird because we've talked about it, but you can't tell who's a Jew always. Sure. But I asked, are there any other Jews here? And there wasn't any noise. I was like, all right. Ha ha.

This is going to turn into that scene in Porky's pretty quickly. Yeah. I did a thing on my Netflix, which who knows if they'll keep in, but I did a Jewish joke and I go, are there any Jews here? And one guy went, woo. And I went, get them. And it killed. And it's funny because that is so overtly, overtly racist and bigoted that it's obviously a joke.

Yeah. Isn't that weird? Like if you go, hey, so Hispanic people do this. We were like, I don't know. But if you go, get that Jew, kill him. They're like, ah. Well, yeah. I mean, that's just how it always goes when it's like on the line. Right. I mean, that's why if you do an abortion joke or something and it's just kind of like in the middle, it doesn't hit. But if you go real hard, it'll hit. Jizzle neck is a perfect example of that. He's talking about dead babies and shit. And everybody's like, this is great.

Yeah. Springfield, it had moments. It was definitely some crowds. I'm like, they're fucking drunk. Yeah. They've done a great job with the club, though. The club is very cool. The guy really cares. He does care. That's really all it comes down to, folks. If you think about running a show or running a comedy club, all you need is a little... I was texting with Mackie over the weekend. He was at the Sandman, which is apparently a new club in Virginia. Yeah, I'm supposed to be there in January. He loved it. He's like, it's great. It's great.

The guy really gives a shit. That's all that matters. I was like, yes, I was in Rochester. The guy's got a blazer on. He picks you up. He's a good guy, yeah. Market Bolido, great club, great guy. You could tell they were really trying, and he's like seating everybody himself and tearing tickets and kicking people out himself. He's in, hands on. Nice. Oh, yeah, he's a great guy. That's a good club. Good club. Big room.

Yeah, it's big. But I bet you did well. Big room? Well, it's a big room because it's hard to wrangle sometimes. We did pretty well. But the two late shows, Friday late show, Saturday late show, were slugfest. I mean, one guy... I have a video of it. I'm stealing your thing where I'm just filming everything now. And this guy goes... I go, anybody have any questions? I'm about to get out of here. I've kind of been bombing the whole night, getting a little here, a little there, a lot of drunk. One guy was sleeping. And I go, any questions? One guy goes...

Can I get emotional? And I went, oh, boy. And the whole crowd loses it. And he goes, Mark. And he starts walking towards the stage. He gets on the stage. And I'm like, dude, what are you doing? And I wasn't scared because he was like shit-faced. He was blacked out. And they just grabbed him.

The security just ran on stage and grabbed him. He's just a big fan of yours. Yeah, yeah. And you're like, what are you doing? You've been heckling me the whole show. Your girl's on the phone. Your friend's sleeping. You're like an inch away from yakking. And you're like, finally, my moment. He comes on stage with his arms open. And I did a whole thing like, Dad, you got to stop coming out.

you know, whatever it was. But it was wild. That's crazy, man. Yeah. Because if he is a big fan of yours, which clearly he is, that next morning they're going to be like, dude. You hope. You don't want to know what you did. I know. You rushed the stage. Well, I'll tag you when the video comes out, Paddy.

because I want you to see it. We had another guy in the front row. Are you going to blur the face or no? No, well, he walked up, so it's his back, so you can't really see him, but he got manhandled pretty good by two big bouncers.

I love that the clubs have, not every club has bouncers. I know, I know. And they're like, yeah, this is why, so I don't have to fucking deal with this myself. I have, what is it about the stage? I have no fear on that stage. Like, this guy's coming towards me. He's kind of like a townie guy, you know? He's got a Raiders hat on and a big puppy jacket. I do have fear on stage. This guy was coming at me. I'm like, what is he going to do? I mean, I got bouncers here. I can just swing at him or kick him in the balls. I don't know. I'm in Missouri three times in the last,

three months. So yeah, I definitely, I've definitely had fear. I've definitely like, am I going to, I make the wrong abortion joke. Am I going to go out like Peter Finch in the end of network? I mean, just two dudes stand up.

Right, right. You're mad as hell. I don't know, man. I know what you mean. You do feel invincible sometimes. But also, like, if you are scared, you can't show it because then the crowd's going to get uncomfortable. So, like, yeah, I've definitely been up there and I'm like, I am a little scared. Yeah. Well, you ever seen that clip of DJ Youngfly? No. I don't know. Are you familiar with this guy's work? He's an artist. This guy is huge. He's just, like, in the black...

scene or whatever you want to call it the urban scene but he's huge and he's super funny but he's like he's like a while and out guy but he's from oh yeah yeah and this guy there's a video of him this guy comes on stage and he's like you sure you want to do this and the guy's like let's go and he knocks him out and then goes back to his act and

And the guy's just laying there. I'm sure you can find the clip, but it was all over TMZ. That's the last scene of the movie. The guy, he's laying there and then you see his hand moving a little bit. Yeah. And that's where they go to credits. There's a sequel. Right, right. But I just love that this guy's like the real deal. And people, what is that thing about comics where people just like, it's the same with Elmo or Mickey Mouse or Goofy at the fucking Disneyland. People just think they can go up and kick you in the ass. Yeah.

You get those guys. That's another reason I don't do meet and greets anymore. It's always that one douche who ruins it for everybody. Who will grab your ass or something or grab your stomach and you're like, what are you doing? I'm here to meet you guys. What the fuck's wrong with you? And I'm still a person. And then you get those kind of bro-y douches. The headlock guy. And you're like, I'm out. Yeah, well, what are you doing? But...

I don't know if you can find the actual knockout, but it should all be on tape. We'll post that up on We Might Be Gay. Well, Jim Jeffries had the thing where the guy went up and punched him and it went viral. That kind of broke him, I think. Physically and emotionally. Yeah, yeah.

But yeah, so this kid in the front row kept doing, you ever had the supportive heckle, but it's still throwing you off? Yeah. This kid in the front row, cute kid, blonde kid. He was like, where's Joe? And you're like, all right, man, I'm in the middle of a joke about slavery or something. Where's Joe? At another place. I know. What do you mean, where is Joe?

I know, it's brutal. Then he's like, how's the beamer? Like right in the middle of a bit. And you're like, ah, the bit is ruined now. I'm doing like a chunk on marriage and it's just ruined. Well, those are like the podcast fans are different than the stand-up fans. Yeah. The stand-up fans kind of know how to be. Yeah, exactly. And then there's like a crossover. But then there's the podcast people and they're just like, where's fat cat? Yes, yes. And you're like, I was trying to do a story. Exactly.

And a joke is like a boner, like one phone call from mom and it's gone, you know? And that's what these guys do. They, the phone rings and you, you know, you go limp, but yeah, I got that guy and they threw him out eventually, but he bought a shirt after and he apologized. Wow. So that is rare. I never had that. So are you doing meet and greets? I do a little bit, a little bit of, you know, I wait for like 80% of the crowd to leave and then I sell shirts.

Yeah, they're mostly rough. Oh, yeah. Those wear you out more. And what's cool is some guys will be like, I know you hate this, but we appreciate them. I appreciate that. I hate them. I did them for a while, and then I'm just like, ugh.

Because if I get COVID, then I'm just, I miss it X weekend. No, it makes sense. I get it. I don't want to, and that's the thing. It's like the places you go where they give the least a fuck about COVID. Like, you think I want to miss Chicago because fucking Springfield is like, we don't give a shit. That makes sense. I'm like, well, you want to miss work. Yeah. Yeah. I don't. I like work and I need it. It pays the bills. Yeah, baby. I saw Seinfeld in college. I was in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, and I was at Baton Rouge Community College and

Seinfeld came to town. The girl I was dating at the time bought tickets. It was the biggest moment of my life. Wow. It was in some giant theater. This was like 2001. The show had just ended. He was the biggest thing on the planet. He was like Elvis. And I remember he came out and I was like, he ran out on stage and went,

And I remember like, oh my God, it hit me. Like, there he is. That's the guy. And then he did a killer act. I still remember some of the bits, but at the end he did a Q&A. And I was too scared and I had nosebleed seats, so I couldn't reach him. But one guy I remember went, where's Kramer? And he went, sir, he's not real. And I remember they murdered. It's like those people at the height of Chappelle show who just like, they're at the show and they're like, I'm Rick James, bitch. And he's just like, yeah, dude, I mean...

I think his line was, yeah, motherfucker, I wrote it. Ah, I know. But it just shows like what. Well, comedy is about people. So there's people, those drunks that don't get that. This is about momentum and timing. And like, you're just, that doesn't help. No, no. And we can deal with it. But now it's the show is a different thing. Exactly. How about that guy? He comes up to you later. Like, I'm the guy who called you a homo. And then you spun it. You're welcome. You're like, yeah, thanks. I don't know what they're expecting. We'll be like, hey, let's take this on the road. That's.

That was your test and you passed, buddy. Exactly. These little tapioca balls. I like the balls. I don't love the tea. Really? Well, first of all, let's break this down. I got a pile of sweet, sugary syrup at the bottom, then milk, and then ice. It's a weird mix. Why the hell is he putting milk and ice together? Milkshake?

You got a point. At least you grind it up a little. I've got cubes of ice floating in my milk, but then with sugar on the bottom. It's a very strange mix. Well, the show is about embracing new cultures, not breaking them down, Mark. I'm bracing. Yeah.

Yeah. You sound like that waitress in Wu Assassins. Yeah. The Chinese have a proud privilege. Heritage. I said privilege. Oh, my God. I'm mixing all the words up. I'm brain dead. I'm brain dead from this travel. Yeah, it'll get you. Yeah. Had the Rochester 48-minute flight.

Four hour delay. Oh, wow. So you're like, God, I'm so close. I just want to get done. And then you sit at the airport for six hours. That's brutal. Yeah. God damn. 48 minute flight, though. I know. I know.

Had a weird one. I was sitting next to it. You ever have the thing where, what do they call it? The deadhead? Yeah. Where there's like another pilot on the flight? Oh. You ever seen that? Is it deadhead? Deadhead is like a Grateful Dead thing. Oh, dead seat? It's called something. The dead seat? Nah. It's a great name for on a flight. This became Squid Games. Yeah. That's what they're going to call the window, the exit row from now on. This is the dead seat. Because if we go down, what does that call where a pilot sits on it? There's a term for that.

Dead. Red dead. Redemption. Dead set. No, shit. Maybe it's not even dead. Head. Either way, I had another pilot sitting next to me. And the flight attendant came up and she goes, So, we need this seat. Do you mind taking the jump seat?

And the jump seat is that weird little flappy labia that flops down off the wall and you have to sit on it like that. Awful. Yeah. Do you want you to sit there? No, no, him. Because they're like, we're kind of throwing you a bone here by giving you this flight. You're a pilot. But we got a customer that needs a seat. And she was like, do you mind? And he goes, I do. And I was like, oh. So I'm just sitting there like, oh, God. And what happened? And she goes, well...

This person needs a flight and this is in the procedure. Like, if you know if someone needs a seat, you got to get off. And he was like, oh, fine. He was like this real cunty kind of whiny guy. But 48 minute flight only to I know like suck it up. He had his headphones and he's doing like the what? No, I hate that move.

And she was like, eventually she was like, all right, sir. Being a flight attendant is pretty rough now. I know. Because you just have to walk up to people the whole time and be like, sir, your mask. Yes. I know, sir. I know, but your mask is here. It needs to be here. That's your whole day. Or then it's already a fucking horrible, you know, that job must be tough on your body, just always bending over trying to. Oh, yeah. I just think like, you know.

Putting the luggage up. Now you're just dealing with unruly customers all day. Like you already did, but now it's like, because people are cranky when they fly. Oh, yeah. I mean, you're basically like tech support, but in person.

You're dealing with that energy all day. And being a waiter at the same time. Yeah. It's all of that. It's a tough job. Tough job. Yeah. I think that's why flight attendants used to be like hot and nice, and now they're mean and gay. It's just like, they're cranky. They deal, and I don't blame them, you know? Yeah, they used to be like, sir, do you want anything? And they're like, sit your ass down.

Exactly. I had a cool flight attendant on the way there. I got recognized by him. Oh, nice. But he goes, you're an actor. And I was like, I'm a comedian. He goes, I noticed the eyebrows. Even with the mask, I noticed. I was like, all right. He was very nice. The whole time, he's like, can I get you anything else? I'm like, no, I'm good. But then, you know, coffee after coffee. I do like four coffees on those flights. Whoa. It's not like three. They're so weak. They're weak. They're weak. Yeah. Yeah.

Man, four coffees on a flight. Three usually. That's impressive. I just, man, it's...

You fly so, we fly so much. Yeah, we really do. I guess the dehydration, it's like, that's bad. You're getting dehydrated just from flying, but. I know. Those little waters aren't doing shit. How would they give you a seltzer this big? I know. That's not doing anything. Yeah, brutal. Especially when you're hungover and you're like, just keep the water coming. I need like a gallon of water. I drink on flights. If it's like, if I'm flying to the gig the day before, I definitely will have a few drinks.

Oh, yeah. You got to take the edge off. That is a good feeling when you're in first class or Delta comfort and just got that...

That gin and soda or whatever the fuck it is. Is that where you go to usually? I usually do that because it's bubbly. You know, I like a scotch or a whiskey, but I want a little bubble. I want a little wine on one of those. Whoa. That shitty wine. It's kind of fun to get shitty wine drunk. You ever gone international? It's free wine. It's free wine on Delta. Oh, is it? Yeah. As many as you want? All the booze is free, yeah. Oh.

This is actually what my bit is about. Oh, yeah? I'll save the bit for later. Oh, okay. Okay. Give me a rec. Oh, yeah.

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By the way, the toilet paper hack is taking over the world. I'm getting all nice messages. People are sending me, look at this sharp. Not from the hotels. No, the hotels hate me. By the way, the stealing. Have you been to a CVS lately? It's like they lock up the Tide Pods now. Everything's locked. Literally, everything's locked. It's 2 a.m. You're like, hey, can you get the toothpaste out? Yeah, I'm sorry. Deodorant, erasers. The deodorant one. Is that because people are just going in and trying it on? I think hobos just...

And then get out of there, I assume. I would think that would be the one nice thing about being a hobo is you can just full on let yourself go. That's true, yeah. Might as well. I don't know. So what's this hack? Well, it's going to sound lackluster, but it's good for you. It's low impact. It gets the brain moving. It gets your creativity juices flowing. Take a walk. That's it.

That's it. Thank you, Grandpa. Well, everybody's like, oh, how far is it? Should we drive? Can we get an Uber? If it's a 15-minute walk, do yourself a favor and take it. You'll live longer. I know it's- It's New York. We're living in New York. Everyone's doing this. I'm talking to these queefs out in Missouri and Des Moines and Kansas. All right. Take a walk.

I love a walk. I want 10,000 steps a day. Wow. Yeah, like get up, get out, walk to the post office, walk to the store, walk, listen to a podcast and just walk. It's good for you. Every time you have to do a phone call, walk and talk. Smart. And then you'll kill the phone call. It's great. It is.

Damn. Low impact. I know, I think you're right. And you know, people run on a treadmill, apparently that's really bad for your limbs and joints and whatnot, so walking though, low impact but still burning calories, you don't even think about it, gets the mind going. I walk when I do jokes.

Yeah, it's smart. You told me that. You pace. I pace back and forth. I look like a psycho, but it helps. Interesting. Yeah. I mean, I walk a lot. Yeah. I'm a big walker. Especially if I go to another city, I'll walk. I like a good walk. Find whatever good coffee shop is in the area. That's my move usually. Yeah. You just put it in the maps and give yourself a goal. Sometimes for like 30 minutes, you're like, but what else am I doing? Yeah. Because a lot of people go, I got four hours to kill. I'll watch a show. I'll watch a movie. I'll read. But if you just walk-

Now you're exercising and killing time. I don't know. You could also do a walk in an audio book. There you go. Audio book is kind of like a podcast. And get a coffee and walk, get a smoothie and walk.

Bubble tea? Bubble tea? Wildly underrated. And I think people with the pounds would just melt off people, too. What was the Jared Fogle way? Aha! Wow, he was burning calories at the playground, too. I'm sure chasing kids is a real cardio. I'm sure having to keep 500 feet away from any school.

Constantly has you on the move. Yeah. All right, what's your rec? I have a few. Well, first off, I have a toast. Oh, I love a toast. A toast is a weird one too. Please. The clear coffee mug.

I love a clear coffee mug. You can see the color of it. Look, I love a diner mug. I love those diner mugs. But I had a clear coffee mug recently. I love it. And they put the milk in. And I was like, isn't that nice? It's a little classier, too, somehow. It just looks good. All the trashiest kids in my public school had clear backpacks. And I'm like, what are you just saying? Mug me? You know, you got your beeper in there. You got your phone in there. You got your money in there. But this, I get. No, it's kind of nice.

I love it. I think rich people go clear. I've never owned one. The hotel I was in had clear coffee mugs. That's a great, great observation. I love that. I love when you go outside the box. Here's my rec. Sam's going clear. Good duck. I'm going clear. Good Leonard Cohen line. Famous blue raincoat. Did he ever go clear? Ooh. Remember that? From that song? No, I've never caught it. Oh, great tune. He's a good writer. Great writer. So...

My book, started a book, speaking of, it's really good. It's called A Drink Before the War. It's a Dennis Lehane book. You guys probably know who he is. A lot of his stuff got turned into movies. Oh, really? Gone Baby Gone, Mystic River. Oh, wow. He's a bad guy. He might have done The Departed, too. I mean, he's done any Boston crime thing he did. Okay. All right. He's great. Yeah.

Pretty dark, pretty brooding. Dark, fun, feels like a classic noir, but it's really good. And as I said, man, you read before bed, you just sleep better. It really does help. Literally watching a Korean massacre every night before bed. Yeah. Wondering why I'm like, my heart's racing. I know, right? Also just staring at a screen. We stare at screens all day. You got to shut the screens off. That's another wreck. Shut off the fucking screen. Hear, hear.

You got that right. Not now. You got to finish the episode, but at some point. Yeah. When you see that, you ever see your screen time and you want to kill yourself? I can't look. I don't want to know. It's embarrassing. It's brutal. It's like looking at your porn search history. Like after you jerk off, you're like, I got to get my life together. You're going to be on your deathbed and the time is going to flash before your eyes and it's going to be you just doing this. Oh, God, you're right.

I ever tell you about that meme I saw where it was an old guy on his deathbed and he goes, oh shit. He goes, uh, my one regret spending more time on Twitter. I wish I had done that. You know, like nobody's going to think that, but we spent so much time on all this bullshit. Ah, fuck my ass. I don't, I don't love that one anyway. All right. It's gone. Give me rapping Rodney. Rapping Rodney. I'm putting that up there. Sorry, uh, Mennonite or whoever that was.

Yeah, I like that one better anyway. All right. What about... Hmm. All right. Good rec. Good rec. Screen time down. Reading up. And get yourself a clear cup. Yeah, I got to get one. I like it. I think it's a great move. Clear cup is fun. It's also fun if you're like, you know... Like, I'm a coffee drinker, but if you like tea, it's kind of fun to see the color of the tea, I think. I agree. I agree. And I'll give you another rec that I just thought of now that you mentioned your clear cup is...

Candles. I know I sound like some holistic cum guzzler. I love them. I love them, too. They don't do anything. I mean, they smell better, but they just add something. This guy Hangover Candle Company. Dude, he sent us stuff before. I love his stuff. Yeah, great. They smell great. They look cool.

You get them in like a LaCroix can? Yes, yes. I love that guy, yeah. Yeah, he's good. Hangover candle, shout out. That guy's great. And I'll tell you another thing, man. You get older, you start to appreciate shit like that. 15-year-old me, I'd be like, well, are you going to get a candle? Now I'm like, you know what? I like getting socks as a gift. Good socks. Yeah. A nice candle. Yeah, I'm a fucking boring old guy now. You got that right. Get some. You're going to have the worst Christmas. Socks, candles, and clear cups. Woo!

Well, that sounds great now. It's party time. Because guess what? When you get to be an adult, you can buy shit that you want. That's true. So these little things are actually really nice. I'll tell you another coffee cup I really like. You can pull it up, Matt. It's like the New York coffee cup, but it's a glass. I have that cup. I have two of them. I love them. Those are the Greek blue and white. Yeah, I have that. That's it. I love that. Aren't those fun? Hillary got me those. Same. Oh, okay. Wow, she's re-gifting. Yeah.

It's funny when someone gets you a gift and you're like, it's because I'm a New Yorker. And she's like, yes. Yeah, exactly. She's giving them to everybody. I know. That is such a nice touch. I love those cups. Something about a good coffee mug that's really nice. It's funny how people are. Like, that was a shitty paper cup.

But when you go back to it and make it a real cup, it's like clever. You know, it's kind of like lobster. Lobster was like poor people food. Peasant food. Yeah. And then now it's like, it's just rebranding. You could rebrand anything. You know, they got these old, this was an old mill factory, but we kept the lights and the ceiling the same and the floor. But now it's a laser tag. Vintage. Yeah.

Dude, Richard Jenney, remember that joke he had about, it was such a great line, every lobster in the tank, you know, at the restaurant, they all have that look like, any word from the governor? Talk about underrated. Recommend Richard Jenney. Richard Jenney's great. He's got some platypus man, a steaming pile of me, amazing. Yeah, he was a great comic. His specials were like,

They were like actually special. It felt like he was performing, he was sweating, and every bit was punched out and had a big ending and like a ta-da. Classic comic. Classic. Killed himself. And regretted it apparently. What? He was alive. He shot himself in the mouth and I think he didn't die instantly and he was regretting it. Whoa. Yeah.

That's wild. I mean, it sounds obvious. If you shoot yourself in the face and you're still alive, you're probably going to be like, this was not a good idea. Right. You're not going to be like, you know what? Good choice. No, but Richard Jenney, one of the best comics. Yeah, yeah. He was in The Mask. Mattel used to open for him. What? Yeah, The Mask. I rewatched The Mask. It's not that good. Nah, it's not great. Carrie's incredible. Carrie's incredible, yeah. And so the cast is good. It's Richard Jenney. Cameron Diaz. Her first movie.

I think she fought hard to get in that, too. She was a looker. So hot in that. Peter Green from The Usual Suspects, the bad guy. Oh, yeah. Great bad guy. Good character actor. Yeah. Also, Peter Regere from Animal House and The Sopranos. Eh. Which one was he? You know who the fuck I'm talking about. Peter Regere. You know him. Oh, Ben Stein was in it. Wow. Whatever happened to Cameron? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, Boone from Animal House. And he's in The Sopranos as well. That's right. That's right. He's the cop or FBI or one of those. No, he's like a politician, isn't he? Oh. No, not politician. No, he's like some sort of like government guy in The Sopranos. Wow. Whatever happened to Cameron Diaz? Give her a goog. She's kind of a lot of stuff, dude. Nah, she's in a ton. That was...

That was quick and easy. No lingering. She's in a lot, dude. I don't know. Lately, though? Oh, once you do Shrek 3, you do three Shreks, you're good to go. You're good to go. How about, dude, she was great in Being John Malkovich, remember? Oh, so good. That's a great movie. Great movie. So weird. Spike Jonze, man. What a turn around that guy had. There's that. Skateboard director.

I guess she's not in a ton lately. That's what I'm saying. She was this huge leading lady, like A-list lady, and then gone. Women getting older in Hollywood ain't easy, man. Hmm. Maybe you're right. I don't think it's easy. Interesting. Retired. There you go. I knew something was up. She fucked Timberlake, and that was it. You got a peeve? Yeah. What do I have? What do you got? All right. Now, this one might make me seem like a douche, but...

It gets annoying. How about this guy? Ah, shit, I wrote it down, but now I can't remember how I meant to say it. I got a couple peeves, so I'm gonna throw them all at you. All right. Um...

Options but don't care. I don't know what that means. But how about this one when you go, "All right guys, we got reservations at the restaurant. We're all going to the restaurant at 8:30." And we all go, "Great, well let's go to the bar, have a drink." "Okay, it's only eight. We'll kill some time at the bar." And then you're at the bar, you're going, "All right, it's 8:24. We should probably start walking over." And they're like, "Yeah, yeah, we should."

and then we move like 10 feet, and then you just keep talking. And you're like, all right, guys, it's 827. We should probably get out the door and go to the right. Yeah, yeah, you're right. Now we move by the door. Now we're on the sidewalk talking. I'm like, ah, what is that? Well, you want to keep things moving. Yeah. And, yeah, people that are not, they're not with the plan. That annoys me. Yeah, and we just keep kind of like,

orbiting that way a little. They're on their own time and you're on your time. You're probably trying to get out of there too, right? Oh, well also, yeah, but I'm like, we got reservations in four minutes. Like let's, let's go to the hostess. Is this, this happened recently? Yeah, but I feel like this happens all the time. With your girlfriend? No, I was with a group. Oh yeah. But I feel like this happens all the time where you're like, okay. Comics or non-comics? Everybody, everybody. And you're like, all right, let's start moseying and people just can't leave or can't get going. Like we just can't go put the drink down and walk.

You have to like, everybody good? That guy went to the bathroom. We'll wait for him. Okay. It's like, ah! There is a thing. When people aren't on the same time as you, it annoys... If there's not like... Yeah, that bugs me. Yeah. Yeah, that's weird. Then we went on the sidewalk. Now we're talking out there. I'm like, why can't we just walk and talk? We can keep going. But...

So, of course, we were like 10 minutes late to the reservation. But you're like, all right, whatever. This is actually hilarious. You know, we're scratching. You know, we're running out of pee is when you're like, and then I was 10 minutes late to a restaurant. But it's the principle. I'm with you, dude. Anytime, like my girlfriend did this recently. We're watching a movie and she got up and just like went to the bathroom. I assume she's just peeing and coming back. She's brushing her teeth. She's doing her skincare. I'm like, we got a movie on. Yeah. I'm just sitting here. Right.

Maybe didn't love the movie. Maybe. I guess so. I mean, if you can brush your teeth throughout a movie, you're not that invested.

I don't know. I think she's like, well, I thought we were winding down. I was like, I was not informed on this plan. Yeah, I'm in movie mode. I'm in movie mode, I'll tell you. I don't really have a peeve. I guess that was... I wrote down... I think I did it last week was the one when people say you can do better. Didn't I do that last week? Oh, yeah. We drink on this pod. Hate to do better. I don't know. You can do better. How about this one? When people get angry at you, but it's not your fault. Like what? This might be a girlfriend specific or a wife thing, but like...

So girlfriend is like, or fiance is like, hey, when are you landing tomorrow? I'm like, well, I'll be landing at 2.30 and I'll probably be at the house by 2 or 3.05 with, you know, coming from Newark. And she's like, great, I'll have everything set up. We're going to do this. We're going to do that. I'm like, great. Hey, sorry, the flight's delayed. Oh!

you're killing me. What happened to our plan? I'm like, yeah, I know. I want to do the plan too. I'm in Cincinnati. Yeah, I'm happy. I know. I didn't, I'm not flying this thing. It's not my airport. Yeah. The flight delay is tough when she's like, oh, you're, you're ruining the day. I'm like me. What did I do?

I'm stuck. I'm in the airport. At least you're at home with your feet up. Meanwhile, you're hungover in a hotel bed and you overslept for the flight. It got delayed. Why won't you trust me? No, there's not a dead hooker here. The flight's delayed. Oh, well, I've had it with your questioning. Your line of questioning is offensive. Yeah, what is this, an interrogation? Come on. But no, it's just like...

You go, we're going to the restaurant at 8. All right, we get to the restaurant. The bling burned down. Ah, you ruined the night. I'm like, I didn't know it burned. I didn't burn it. What am I, an arsonist? So that shit bugs me when it's not your fault, but you somehow get in trouble. Well, we travel every week, so we do get like, you know.

We still get annoyed by delays. I'm used to them now, so I'm not as annoyed. But yesterday when I was running for the flight, I'm like, fuck this shit, dude. I know. I'm hurting my neck just because I'm sprinting with two heavy bags. Yeah. And then when you get to the destination, no one's like, and you're like, man, I barely made the flight. They're like, oh, yeah, whatever. Okay, so you're in this building. You're like, ah. Not only is it a bitch. A high five or something. Yeah, nobody cares. Yeah. That's the hard part. You want to dive in. You want the flight attendant to go. Yeah.

That's great. Safe. You made it. Yeah. Even they seem annoyed. Like, I want a high five on the way in by the lady, but she's just like, barely made it. You're like, I'm here, aren't I? Yeah. We get spoiled with status because we fly every week, but then you see what it's like to be in that last boarding group and you're like, this takes me back.

Oh, yeah. This used to be every week. Every week, yeah. Sometimes it was a short flight. I'm like, yeah, I'll take 29D. I don't give a fuck. And then the problem with the 29D is waiting to get out. People are just fucking worthless. They're worthless. I'm like, how come when I got my bag, it took four seconds. I went, and I'm done. You're like.

There's something behind you. They're like, let me see. Yeah, what is that? They're like looking at it like, hmm. I know. Yeah, they turn to someone, they make a comment, and you're like, oh, fuck. Yeah. I had like a very strong, independent woman. I was in the window seat, and she comes in, and she's like, I'm supposed to be in the window, but I don't care. I'll take the aisle. And I was like, well...

And she's like, "Fine, you can have the window, "but I'll take the aisle, I don't care." I'm like, "Okay, well--" - Wouldn't you rather have the aisle than the window? - I would, that's what I was trying to say, but she was like, "No, no, no, it's okay, you take the window." And I'm like, "Okay," and she just sat down and put her earbuds in. I was like, "Wow, I didn't get a word in." So that was tough.

Damn, now you guys are dating. That's how it starts. Yeah, she was kind of hot. Bossy. It is hot when women are bossy. Love bossy. You're not supposed to say bossy. What are you supposed to say? Well, women don't like bossy. Why not? I think it's like...

If men were bossy, it's like leaders. I call men bossy. I do too. Men bossy. I don't know. There's all these dumb rules. That's annoying. Also, if someone told you not to be bossy, you're kind of bossy. Aha. Good point. That's why they don't want you to say it because they are that. Yeah. We're in this weird place where gender is a construct, but it's also as a woman. Being a woman or a man is this important thing.

But it's also like, gender's not real, it's fluid. It's weird because we're saying two things and which one is true? Which one do you go with? It's like, gender isn't real, it's fluid. The future is female. How can it be female if there's no gender? And then you start saying that shit and people kill you.

These are just jokes that are bombing you at like a feminist retreat. You're like, what's the deal? Yeah, what's the deal? This is a sham. Are you kidding me? I'm in hot water. But isn't hot water good? I love a hot tub. What's the deal with that? All right. Hot water? Sounds like a jacuzzi. Yeah.

Who doesn't like a Jacuzzi? I love a Jacuzzi. Love it. Who is Jacuzzi? Jacuzzi likes Kleenex or Sharpie. Jacuzzi, sister to Yakuza. I'll tell you. Amen.

Asians are big right now. But Jacuzzi's a guy. Yeah. I think, right? I think so. Yeah. But we call it, oh, that's a Jacuzzi. But that might not be a Jacuzzi. It's a fun sounding word. It's a great word. Jacuzzi. That is great. Sounds nice. Yeah. I'm going to take a Jacuzzi. Is it Italian or Asian? Let's get on it. Is it Tony Jacuzzi? Hey, Jacuzzi. Yeah. Or is it like Hiroshima, Katashi, Jacuzzi? You know, like which one is it?

Which one is it, Matt? Yeah, figure that one out. Jacuzzi brand, headquarters, California. See? Why did it just be like a white woman? This is like that Seinfeld where she's like, I thought you were Asian. Oh, yeah. The rhymes are crossed. Someone Chang? Yes, Donna Chang. Donna Chang? She's not Asian and they're all disappointed. Yeah.

Italy. Okay. See, that could have gone either way. Yeah, it's funny. The Italians always brag about their food, but Jacuzzi's big. Jacuzzi's big. That's up there with Benihana. That's a guy. Is it? Yeah, Benihana's a guy. Benihana, that's kind of fun. That had a moment. That kind of came and went. That was a fad, I think. Well, the problem is it's very sticky, and then you can do that with Korean food that's actually really good.

Oh, yeah, the barbecue. Yeah, on the griddle. Yeah, I love a Korean barbecue, dude. Oh, so good. Comes with like eight sides and apps. I fucking love that. I know. What a fun outing, too. It's like it's not just dinner where they bring you food. You're watching it. You're feeling it. You're smelling it. The smoke. It's a great moment. How about the... Do you ever watch on TikTok? They'll do the... Whoa.

Benny Hanna, founder, faces 12 to 18 months in jail. Whoa, what'd he do? Hit a guy with a shrimp? No one's going to fuck with him in prison. He'll take two shivs and start chopping them up. Right, right, exactly. What did he do? You know, his son is that DJ, famous DJ. DJ Benny Hanna? No, he's like this, I forgot his name. He's an Asian guy with long hair. Huge. Yeah. If you saw him, you'd know him.

admits to insider trading. Damn. Cool. Just footage from being like, Benahan is going to have a big month. Did Madoff die? Steve Aoki, that's his name. Oh, yeah, he is big. He's huge. Look up his net worth.

I met him on Jim and Sam. He was a guest. Cool guy. Cool guy, and he can sleep anywhere because he's so busy that he knows how to sleep on a plane, in a bus, or he can just take a nap in a green room. I can sleep on a plane, but he can just go in a green room and be like, all right, I have two hours, and he's fully refreshed. He's one of those guys. It's a gift. 95 mil. Not too shabby for a DJ. I don't get it.

Skill this job. Do you ever watch on like on TikTok? They'll do those like those people just going like, is this restaurant overrated or underrated? And it's just a guy being like, you know, like they're flipping the meat at the Korean barbecue place. And they're like properly rated. And you're like three million views. Like what the hell? I know. Right. I don't get anything on TikTok. How about this guy with the salt?

Oh, Salt Bae? Yeah, why is this guy a celebrity? What has he done? Because people are dumb and people share shit like that. It's like we were saying with the viral. It's whatever is accessible and easy to digest. I get it. He's some weirdo doing this shit. Salt's coming off his elbow. I got dandruff. How about this? This is my thing. It's not going to do as well. That's true. Let's do a joke. All right. Got a couple ideas kicking around. All right. Tell me if this is anything.

So I feel like America's kind of divided, culture war, yada, yada, yada. We all know it. We all talk about it. Fox News versus CNN, right versus left. It almost feels like the government...

is our parents and your dad's a Republican, your mom's a liberal and the civilians are the kids. And they've forgotten about us. They're just trying to get each other because they're divorced. Yeah. And, you know, I got all these jokes like, Mom, Mom, I need lunch money. And she's like, will you shut up? I'm trying to cancel your father. And you're like, but what about the citizens, you know? And I'm like, Dad, Dad, Mom,

says I shouldn't go I shouldn't have a gun and dad's like well she tried to abort you you know the liberal versus that hit I haven't tried it yet but I like the idea of the dad and the mom being divorced and they don't care about us they're just worried about hurting each other at this point

You know, you watch the news, it's like mudslinging. I think instead of hurting each other, they're just trying to get our attention. Oh, that's good. Right, because it's like, they're just saying fucked up shit to get our attention. So it's like, so you talk to your dad and be like, do you see what your mom is trying? She's trying to let other people into the family. Ha ha.

That's great. Is that what you want? A bigger family? You want to live with this Mexican kid? Yeah. That's good. You know, and then the mom is like, your father, you know, it's just got to go back and forth. He's like, you should see what he's, he doesn't care about you. Yeah.

Yeah. He doesn't care. Exactly. That's good. All right. Your father's talking to a Russian family. You think he cares about you? That's maybe the angle. I like that. That little tweak of they're trying to win you over, which is also more realistic for a

Yeah, that's good. And I get to attack both sides. And, you know, everybody wins. Yeah, that's good. Because doesn't it feel like everybody pretends like we care about this group and what about this? Like Republicans are like, these people are killing babies. And then lefties are like, hey, we need to let the Muslims in or whatever the fuck it is. And...

It just feels like everybody just wants it their way. No one's listening to each other. Right. Like I was at a gym. I used to be a member of the rec center. Still closed, by the way. Love it. Yeah, it's brutal that it's been closed all this time. It's 80 bucks a year. The only problem is you're in there with a couple of mooks and riffraff, but-

I would go in there, and every day I went to the gym, there was this old guy who would play salsa music at like full blast on a boombox. Everybody hated him, but he was old. But it's also like 80 bucks a year. Exactly. So how are you going to complain? Exactly. You get what you pay for. So I would just turn my headphones up, and I'm like, fucking, you know, that shit. And then this one day, this young kid comes in, and he's blaring hip hop.

And they're just competing speakers. And the old guy's going, what are you doing? And the young guy's going, what are you doing? And he's like, well, I want to play my music. And he's like, well, I want to play mine. And they couldn't understand that they were both fucking assholes. Yeah. And that's kind of what I'm trying to, that's like a microcosm of America. Sure, sure. But I don't know how to make that funny. But the old guy's like, well, I was here first. Oh.

Yeah. Yeah. That's true. But he's like, I pay your taxes. Or, you know, maybe the young guy's like, I pay the bills. I'm the future. I'm the future. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Something like, it is interesting. Like, man, those rec centers, though, they really are. Oh. You get some characters. Yeah. Yeah. It really is. You get what you pay for. I mean, it's like being on a Greyhound versus First Class. Yeah. You know, Greyhound is like fist fights and chicken coops and guy playing video games at full volume. I love those rec centers.

I do too. You ever want to go to the Lower East Side, watch the Chinatown one? The guys who play ping pong, they're unbelievable. Yeah. I would just sit and watch. They're like 10 feet behind the table. This is really our Asian celebration episode. Yes, Asian sensation. There's something there. All right, what do you got? I wrote it down. Let me find it. It was about flying. We don't have enough comedian jokes about air travel. What about dogs and cats? They're different.

What's the deal with, that's no picnic, but aren't picnics good? I thought we liked picnics. All right. So everyone, I'm on Delta now. Everyone, thank you for being a part of the Delta family. And I was like, family?

We're not a family. When something goes wrong with my family, I don't tell them. Right. There's no complaint line. Yeah, I don't complain to my mom. If Delta were my family, I wouldn't say, hey, you guys messed up. I would be like, you know what? I'm going to keep that in here for a while. Ah, that's good. Also, when I drink on Delta, I can get like four drinks. They're never like four. Great point. Four drinks. That's great. Something about like if Delta...

If Delta fucks up, I'm not just like, look, Delta's limited. You know, this is all they can give me. Yeah. I don't know. There's something here. That's good. Oh, there's a lot here. Delta doesn't shame you. Delta never says, you missed your flight? We're a little disappointed. Yeah. We're disappointed in you. We thought you'd make it. Yeah. We thought more of you. I don't know. No, that's great.

Also, you can upgrade. Can't upgrade family. Can't upgrade family. Wouldn't that be nice? I have a joke about that, though. I do a joke where I do that. I used to do a bit about like you get a new phone, you can upgrade. That'd be cool if when your grandpa died, you could do that. He's just like your grandpa, but he doesn't say the N word. And you're like, that is better. Does he still say Oriental? They're like, we can fix everything. That was a joke.

This is how old it was. It was the Grandpa 5, not the Grandpa 5S. Oh, that's good. That's how old that joke was. Right. iPhone 5. Wow. Yeah, but it still holds up. It still works. It would still hit if I'd do it, but yeah. Could be something, too, about how the more money you make with Delta, the better they treat you. Yeah. Wouldn't that be weird if your mom was like, ooh, Sam, is that a new sweater? Here's an extra plate. Here's more dinner.

Like you're not like gold with mom. You know, mom's on board all day long. You can't go platinum. You have status with an airline. There's no status with parents. There's a lot here. This is great. I like the shaming thing. Yeah. You know, your mom's like four drinks. Wow. Yeah, there's something there. I tried it in Springfield and it did not work. Really? Someone miles maybe? You can't throw money at your mom? Yeah.

Yeah, we'll crack it. What if there's a connection joke? Me and my mom don't connect or something? Ah, shit. I'll crack it. I'll crack it. We should get a Patreon out, too. I like it, though. I like it. I don't trust Springfield. I think there's something here. Make sure to email us at wemightbedrunkpod at gmail.com with your videos, with your

with your jokes, drinks, anything. Well, there's no mom app. There's no mom app. I can't go to all my app and be like, ah, my mom's mad at me, hold on. Let me fuck. Yeah, and you don't tweet at your mom. No.

All right. Sorry. Oh, yeah. That's something there. The app. The app is fun. Mom app. Make sure to see us in the road. I got Phoenix this weekend. San Francisco. Charlotte. North Carolina. Miami Improv. Fucking all over that shit, dude. Hell yeah. Dallas. Samorell.com slash shows.

Is that hyenas? No, I'm banned from hyenas. Oh, that's right. Oh, we gotta hear that story on tomorrow's episode. All right, all right, I'm at Portland. We're adding shows. Laugh Boston, come on out. Don't get too drunk, Beantown. Brea, California, Vancouver, and Canada.

New Orleans, Hometown Hero, Royal Oak, Michigan, Atlanta, Buckhead Theater, Milwaukee, Improv. Come on out. Eventually, I'll have Chicago. I hear it's beautiful. I hear that, too. Soder loved it.

So thanks for everybody coming out. Thanks for writing. Thanks for tweeting. Thanks for sharing. Some guy sent us some badass art today, the one you posted. That looked so good. I loved it. So yeah, send gifts. We'll put you on the wall. These joke books are killer. We love you. We might be drunk. Happy Halloween next week. Woo!

Very exciting. That was last week. Ah, shit. Fucking. We're backlogging episodes because we're both on the road, guys. Sorry that we just revealed the trick there. We love you. Keep listening. Tell your friends. See you soon. Thank you, Gotham Studios and Matt. We love you. All right. Praise Allah. Praise Allah.

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