Ep 47: You Got A Friend In Us
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We might be drunk, we might be drunk As long as we are hanging out, you know we might be drunk Raise a glass, let's talk shit, pep heaps, wrecks and a bit Maybe drunk, we might be drunk, yeah

Here we are. We might be drunk. We might be pedophiles. We might be too old for costumes, but we're doing it. I love Halloween, one of my favorite holidays. Sorry, Christians. The pagans are taking over. You look great. You look great. I love the buzz light year. To infinity. I'm buzzed light year. Once we get those drinks in us. And I get a woody when I see kids knocking at my door. Ha, ha, ha.

I'll tell you, you're right. That's a full-size snicker. Oh, dude, how about those people when you trick-or-treat and they give you the full size? That was like, that was a biggie. Power move. That's some guy being like, hell yeah, I do pretty well. I'm in a different tax bracket than old, you know, circus peanut lady over there. Circus peanut...

We have them? They might be the worst candy imaginable. The worst! I didn't even know they were on the table. I would have yacked. Terrible. That is horrible. What about the razor blade and the apple? Is that real? No. Come on. Who's spending time doing that? I think Snopes investigated that and found out that it was the dad who did it to his son. What? To prove a point. What?

How do you like that? So it was only one case of it and it was an inside job. There you go. Kind of like 9-11, man. That's crazy, man. You know what else? Here's another one. When you trick or treat, you ever have these people that leave out the bowl? Yes. And they'll take one and you're like, yeah, right. You just got fucking burned by Woody and Buzz. That's why communism doesn't work. Because people, you can't trust them. They're selfish.

I just took the fucking bowl when I did that. You took the whole bowl? Well, I didn't take the candy. The candy was always gone, but I took the wooden bowl home. Were you Martha Stewart? What the hell are you doing? I've got to get something out of this lady. I'm joking. I didn't take the wooden bowl. Whoppers are underrated. Whoppers aren't bad. Whoppers? I like a malted milk ball, dude. I don't mind a little. What is malt?

And there's malt liquor. Yeah. Then there's malt with a milkshake, a malt. Yeah. And there's Whopper malt. I don't know. Single malt. There's Walmart. Yeah. Single malt. You're right. We can make it three minutes without you farting this episode. It's the costume.

By the way, can I give you a pee right at the gate? Oh, jeez. Because I had to get... We got some Tums here because I got some heartburn. Oh, boy. Yeah, real fun time with the Tums here. We got all this candy. You bringing the antacids? Jeez. Everything at fucking CVS is locked up now because of these looters.

You literally have to hit a button because I want some gas X now? This is ridiculous. They're locking up everything. I love the guy ranting in the Woody outfit. They're locking up these looters, I'll tell you. Give me my lasso. I'm going to get these guys. I like a whopper. I like a whopper, too. Knock on wood, I've never had heartburn. I don't know what that is. Never? No. Whoa!

Bear Jew coming at ya! Smokey! He can't see shit. He's like Ray Charles out here with the cocktails. Ha ha ha!

Can we get a picture of Matt, too, who is dressed as Walter from Big Lebowski? Get our producer. This is killer. He nailed it. You nailed it. That is a great costume. Well done. That's a costume where you get a lot of thumbs up. Yes. On the street. That is perfect. So this is a black Manhattan? Yeah. Wow. Damn. Dracula's kiss. Woo.

Ooh, how do you like that? Black Manhattan, huh? It's like the 80s in Manhattan. Look at this. That's when it was scary. Yeah. Wow. It's like my ex. This thing is really smoking. It's like a Radio Raheem. So what do we got here? Do tell. Oh my God, that's fucking crazy. Right? It's like charcoal-y. Yeah, yeah. So what makes this black is the activated charcoal.

so you can use that to like color drinks and it's also actually pretty good as like a detox thing huh i've been meaning to get healthier you can detox while you in talks so that's what they give people od right they make them drink charcoal and they yak i've heard you ever heard that uh yeah probably i mean oh no charcoal stops you from uh from it coats the lining of your stomach

And it stops you from absorbing whatever toxins are coming in next. Doesn't make you yack. So this is actually kind of healthy.

It's stopping the bourbon a little bit. Yeah. You can hear the bubble. Get your ear on that thing. Yeah, you'll hear it bubbling. This is like Rice Krispie treats for alcoholics. Yeah. Yeah, it's going to dissolve in a few minutes and you'll be fine. Just don't eat the ice and that's it. What if I do eat the ice? What will happen to me? You'll get frostbite on the inside of your body. Are you serious? We're rolling the dice on our fucking health for a cool looking cocktail? What the hell? Man, then your obituary photo is you as a little cowboy. Yeah.

You're giving the eulogy weeks later like why is he still wearing the Buzz Lightyear costume? I wanted to show my camaraderie. This is good. Yeah, it is good. Manhattan is my favorite cocktail. Really? I think it's number one. It's up there for sure. I like a Negroni. I like a Martini, but I think you can't beat a great bourbon cocktail, you know? I know. It's true. And it is a real cocktail. Like I like a bourbon neat. I like a scotch on the rocks, but that's not really a cocktail.

That's just a drink. This is fucking good, dude. Look at all, we got Korean candies? Wow, Squid Game. This is fried chicken? What the hell? What the hell are they doing over there? Man, I heard there's some slavery. Oh, that's China. Oh, is this Chinese, actually? I'm sorry. Uh-oh. Where'd you get this from? The Korean grocery, right? Japanese. Oh, shit. Goddamn. That was rough. Well, what can you do? Damn.

What can you do? Japanese have fried chicken candy. Remember that old Chappelle joke? What was it? I'm Korean. Do I look Chinese to you? Yeah, motherfucker, you do. Jesus Christ. That's his joke. We all laughed. So did the audience and half of America. Should we try the fried chicken? I'm curious. Yeah, please. You got to open everything because I got oven mitts on basically here.

I love the red sash there. I didn't know you were in the Crips. Here we go. That's interesting. It's not that good. You want to try it? Not for me. What do you rank, if we're going Halloween candies, what do you rank like a Heath bar? Heath is okay. You know me, I don't like crunch. I don't like hard. Butterfinger, too hard. Heath is a little hard. But let's go top five. What's this?

Looks Asian again. All the Asian stuff, we're not going to know. They have all kinds of kooky flavors. What is that? Pussy? Smells horrible. Horrible? Might be pussy then. Hold on.

That's some kind of shrimp thing. You don't want that. Shrimp candy? You just bought a bunch of colorful packaging, Matt. I don't know if this is actually chocolate or anything. I'm really going crazy with the candy here. Kids, it's Halloween. You want some mackerel? Good fish choice. Rainbow trout. Want to blow a line, dude? Yeah, what's that? Bath salts? That's a good Manhattan. That's fucking good, dude.

Yeah, but where are you ranking these candies? Three Musketeers to me is kind of trash. It's a little basic, as the kids say. There's nothing to it. It's just nougat and chocolate, so they're not taking any risks. But I'm going number one for me is Reese's. Wow, really? Number one. The chocolate peanut butter, the interracial, the coming together. It's a perfect ratio of each, and I think the little ones are better than the big ones.

I haven't seen it in a while, but score bar. Score! Jeez, that's kind of like a Heath, isn't it? Kind of. It's thinner, but it's more... It's toffee. Toffee, but hard, crunchy. Hate the hard. He hates this. Hate hard. If I was gay, I'd be a flaccid lover. Oh, man.

Snickers I would put too. You could be a straight flaccid lover. Why do you have to be gay for that one? What do you mean? Like of a woman? Yeah. Oh, okay, okay. Well, I'm a man, so I would say if I was gay. Oh, you would be into it. Okay, I get it. Yeah, that's it. I get it now. I'm sorry.

I think these are kind of underrated. The Hershey's Cookies and Cream. I don't love it. Ooh, I'm a fan. That's like when they do Double Down or the, you know, what's that? It's too much. It's a speedball. We got heroin. We got coke. We can't have both. Matt, pull up the, can you pull up the Hershey's? I think it's like the golden. It's like the Hershey's.

It's like golden nugget or something. It's really good. It's not golden nugget, though. It's like pretzel. Golden pretzel or something. Look up there. They're really good. It's like a kiss type thing. It's like when a chick says, I'm going to blow you and put ice in my mouth. You know, it's already good. I feel like Hershey was good. Okay, but how would it blow you up with a finger in the butt? Things can be improved upon. That's true. That's true. Okay. Okay, I'll give you that. That thing?

Yeah, what is it called? Hershey's Gold Pretzel Blossom. That's not it. Whoa. That's not it. Good show from the 90s. No, it's not it. Whoa. That blossom? Yeah, he said blossom. You caught my reference. Oh, this must be it. Dipped pretzels? This has got a bug in it. Man, the Japanese are very reckless with their snacks. It's like you can't have pleasure without pain in their culture or something, right? Because it's like...

You're right. It's like you get this, but then it's like, well, you got to be very careful. You get down to the bottom. Yeah. Yeah. It's like. Squid game. Right. Yeah. Yeah. True. I guess we are a lot. That's not it. That's also. It's not peanut butter. It's like pretzel. That's it. That's it. In the middle. This thing here. Oh, never heard of the gold. Those are fucking good, dude.

Never heard of it. Have you ever been to the Hershey Factory in Pennsylvania? No. It's kind of fun. DeVito and I went there years ago, and we played the Harrisburg Comedy Zone. Oh, yeah, right? Wow. I swear to God, there were murders happening that night in that hotel, without question. I believe it. I was Googling La Quinta across the street like someday.

Is anything good happening in La Quinta? Not one good thing. Hitler was born in La Quinta. Not one good thing has come out of La Quinta. And every once in a while, you'll see a city where there's like a pricey one, and you're like, you're not fooling me. Yeah, what are you doing here? Yeah. What is La Quinta? What does that mean? I don't know. Can't be good. Not 15. The 15 or something? I don't know. The 5? The 5, yeah. Is it like a moche, right? Oh, yeah. Quinceanera. The 5th. The 5th. The 5th.

It's the fifth worst hotel in America. No, it's worse than that. Yeah. You plead the fifth after you're there. There it is. I need a fifth of gin after sleeping there. Man, this is, and you got a little death. Oh, yeah, the skull pick, yeah. Nice touch there, Bear Jew. Very good, you know?

We're going to go theme. And you even got your little smoky drinks on the bar there. Well done. Witch's potions. Yeah. So you're going number one Reese's. Number one for me. Matt, what are you guys weighing on number one?

We're talking chocolate bars. Snickers has got to be in the mix. It's a classic. Snickers is two, I think. Snickers is a classic. Twix? Twix. I might go Twix one. Twix is my top contender. Underrated? 100 grand, by the way. Under grand is a great candy bar. 100 grand, eh? Yeah. You never see them and nobody ever eats them because they're too rich. 100 grand is good. That's why they come in two bites per packet. Ooh. That's right. They're very rich. They're very good. 100 grand is good. Caramel is good. Yeah, same. How about...

I'm going to go number one. If we're going candy or are we going chocolate? Let's go chocolate because if we go candy, it'll open it up. I'm a big Rolo guy. Rolo. Rolo might be my number one. Interesting. We're talking about caramel here. Rolo is a fucking underrated candy.

It's a delight. Rolo is a circular candy with a caramel inside. Yes. All right, yeah, that is pretty damn good. Yeah. The shape of it matters, too. Yeah, it looks like a butt plug. It does, yeah. Or like a slug, a bullet. It tastes good, though, man. Do we have Rolos in this big... Uh-oh. Time to fire Peters. We had Rolos, but Rachel ate them. Oh, that fucking whore.

Milky Way, I'm gonna go is fine. It's a little basic, I think. Agreed. What's the difference between a Milky Way and a Musketeer? I don't know. I think Milky Way's a little better. I think it is too, but they must have a nut in there or something. Can't be the same. What's the difference between a Milky Way and a Mars bar? I don't know what the fuck a Mars bar is. It's the UK version of a Milky Way. It's just like... You ever had a Zero?

Look up zero, Sally. Yeah, I was in Buffalo one night. How about Milk Duds? I like them. Best movie theater thing, I think. Why is that? They chew. That's a zero. Those are good. You put them in the freezer. Oh, I like a... Okay, let's get crazy here. Charleston Chew.

Never had one. Throw a Charleston Chew in that freezer and let the good times roll, buddy. I don't know a Chew. Pull up a Chew. They're very stretchy. A little chalky, though. They're chalky as fuck. That's why you gotta freeze them. But what do you think? Yeah, look it up. What do you think? Charleston Chew? The fucked up thing is like...

This is like when you start to get rich or something where you're trying to relive your... This is like Mr. Burns shit. You start trying to relive your childhood and you're like, I want Bobo and I want a Charleston shoe. Right. This is 1995. Wow. They're like this long, the Charleston shoes. Oh, really? I've never seen one. It looks like jerky. Zeros were fun. Rolo. I think Stephen Hawking had one of those. All right.

This is just like ooze. Yeah, no thank you. This is like... See, the Asians, they're so proper and smart and hardworking that they go hard on their other shit. Like their porn is insane. Yeah. Their candy's insane. They blur out the penis for some reason. I know. They can't make up their mind. You're stomping on my balls here. You're jizzing on a lady while she's giving the news. But, you know, your candy's all weird. But you blur out the dick.

Pull that up, by the way. The jizzing on the news lady. Is that a thing? Oh, yeah. What is this here? I don't know what this is. All right. Ooh. There we go. Let's see what this is. Yeah, what the hell is that? It's like a Pop Rocks type thing. It's pretty good. Ooh. All right, thanks. Jelly.

I'm jelly. Uh-oh. Are we going to get in trouble here? Don't get us kicked off YouTube. Literally, a woman gives the news and a bunch of guys stand on the desk and she doesn't break. She just keeps reporting. I'm shocked that Americans haven't done that yet.

What? Porn on the news. I mean, we're right there. Yeah, that's true. We're obsessed with the news. We're obsessed. I mean, like, how far, like, morally, how far away are we from that? Yeah. Cox News. You're right. I mean, can we get mad out in there? Let's...

Yeah, here on Fox News, we only show white cock. That's the whole thing. Right. The bug is really disgusting. Yeah. Have you ever done the worm in the tequila? Yeah, once, and I gagged for like a month. Awful. I did it at Lucy's Surfer Bar in New Orleans. Nice. You shoot the worm, you get the t-shirt. I shot the worm. Hell yeah.

I chugged a fucking worm. It was disgusting. I was a kid. Yeah. This is really good. All right, Sally, what are you doing? There's a worm in here? Damn it. No, I'm kidding. Oh, yeah. I don't see the ice. It's probably melted by now. It's just one tiny cube. So, but I can drink this still? Yeah, yeah. As soon as I stop smoking, it's totally fine. Like...

Your poop might look weird, though. We're mocking the danger of the bug, and you're like, if you drink it too soon, it will kill you. I'm like, cool. All right, great. So let me ask you, you couple of Manhattanites here, I don't know where you grew up.

Here? Are you a Manhattan kid? Oh, Staten Island and Manhattan. What? Brooklyn, Brooklyn, not Manhattan. What? All right. I didn't know that. Yeah, I came here in 2001, went from Brooklyn to Staten Island, now I'm back in Brooklyn. But where'd you grow up? I was in Russia until I was like... Russia? What? What do they do for Halloween there? Just vodka and fistfights? They actually do do Halloween. They like Halloween as well. Like in the bigger cities. Smaller cities, no. But like in the bigger cities, kids dress up. Everybody loves dressing up. What's like a hot costume in Russia? Putin? Putin?

Oh, that'll get you killed. Yeah, I don't know if that's safe. Bobby didn't come home tonight. He went out as Vladimir. He didn't come home. He left on a horse and no shirt. I haven't seen him since. Bobby, the most Russian name in history. That was two. You know what?

I was trying to rip something up quickly. I rushed it. What about... Boris is like your John, I'd imagine. Boris is a strong name. Igor. Igor. Igor's big. Igor's a good name. Oh, they got a Putin mask costume. That's fun. What about...

Trying to think what other, like what are big American costumes? The Joker's a big one. Yeah. That annoyed me that Heath Ledger you and everyone. Everyone. Because you're like, oh, these dudes are creeping me out. Like I don't like when costumes are actually creepy. By the way, for the most part, the costumes that are the big classics are not creepy. Dracula. Ghost. Ghost. Goblin. You don't see anyone dressed as like Isis or Epstein or something. They don't go that far, right? Yeah. Yeah.

And those are better anyway. Those are fun. That would make you laugh. This guy's got a sense of humor. Exactly. How about the buff guy who just goes in his underwear? There's always that guy. And there's always the hot girl who just goes as like a fucking bumblebee, but she's got tits out and a stinger, you know? Well, it's a great night just, you know, optics wise. Yeah. You just kind of like look around. You're like, I mean, look, it's a terrible comedy night, but...

If you're just checking out, like, no woman goes as a cop. They go as a hot cop. Exactly. Hot nurse, hot cop, hot princess. Yeah, all that shit. There's going to be a lot of Trumps. For sure. Always. It's easy. The hair. Biden's not as fun a costume. Nah, what do you do? You just get lost. You trail off, you know? You tell a story with no ending. Yeah, exactly. You stutter a lot. You get bitten by your own dog. Yeah.

You just say, come on, man, to people. They don't have good enough decorations. Come on. But what did you do in Manhattan? Did you guys go apartment to apartment? Did you go to bodegas? Similar to what you do now with your son. You go from building to building. Building to building. Weird. That's where you clean up. I would have a glad bag full of... Wow. Throw it over the shoulder. My mom would make my costumes up to a certain age, and then you just get lazy, and you're like, yeah, I got to fucking...

I got a John Starks jersey. I'm a Nick. You know? Yeah. You just want that candy. And the doorman will give you a sheet of all the doors that have candy sign up beforehand. Whoa.

They're either really decorated or there's just like a pumpkin or some shit on there. Something that you know to knock. Yeah. It seems like fun to participate in. Like, I would love to give, you know, kids candy. It seems like a nice thing. Hell yeah. Also, like, the budget version of that is people go take their kids and go from like deli to deli. And delis have like little bits of food. I didn't know the deli thing. Oh, they do. Oh, they must hate that. Oh, yeah.

Some immigrant guy is like, I got to give this kid candy for free? That's how you run a business? Well, dude, we would do that. I mean, it was so fun. I mean, Halloween as a kid is... And your son doesn't want to participate. Weird. He said, I'm too shy this year. I don't want everyone looking at me.

That's cute. Good thing he only lives in the most populated city in the world. Right. Come on. I was like, this is one day you get to wear a mask. Nobody cares what you look like. Blend in. Yeah. He doesn't want all that candy? He wants the candy. He doesn't want to do the thing. As a dad, you could just go to CVS and go. Exactly. Right? That's a good point. He's getting a bucket of this candy. Yeah. I mean, what are we doing with it, right? Yeah. We would go. You know what's weird? My neighborhood was so dicey, but for Halloween-

They were nice. You just went to a door and you knocked and some lady was like, here's some candy. Like everything kind of calmed down on Halloween. They open with a gun. They're like, oh no, it's a kid. Give him a Milky Way. Right, right. So Mark, in a poor neighborhood like yours, what do people give you? You got a lot of like, what do you call it? Like the B squad. You weren't getting the Snickers. You weren't really getting that. You were getting a lot of Almond Joys. Yeah, Almond Joy. I hated Almond Joy as a kid. I still hate it.

I'm not a coconut guy. I don't hate it as much as a kid. I fucking hated it. You know what? I like Baby Ruth. I like Twix. I liked Twizzlers. Oh, Baby Ruth is good. Twizzlers are underrated. Twizzlers? Come on!

Oh, I'll eat a Twizzler at a movie. Might as well eat a candle. Twizzlers are great because this is how bad we were at baseball. We would get with a Gatorade thing and we would just have Twizzlers on the bench and bite off each end and start sipping the orange Gatorade through the Twizzler. That's because we never expected the Twizzlers. We'll be the fun team. Yeah, that is fun. Twizzlers are great.

Pull and peel? Who? Pull and peel? Oh, yeah. You never did the cherry pull and peel twizzles? I've seen that. Pull and peel. Vines?

No, Vines is something else. Vines is another brand. I got to do another one of these. Then the Sour Patch. You don't need to make it all smoky again, but it's really good. Yeah. I had an upset stomach. I had heartburn 20 minutes ago. I'll tell you. Alcohol. Nature's medicine. Yeah, hell yeah. It used to be considered medicine back in the day. You had a toothache or a headache. Here, take a little gin.

I grew up in a hippie neighborhood, and they used to give us raisins. Raisin sucks. Raisinettes, on the other hand. Apples was big, but that weighs you down, too. Apples, you fucking hate those people. I know. Get a life, hippie. How do you feel about the kids at Egg on Halloween? I did it. That's a big thing. Me, too. You did it? Yeah, of course. I got caught. Did you get caught?

No, I never got. Once I got caught throwing them out the window and we got caught and I just hid and I got out of it. But yeah, we were throwing eggs out the window. How did you get caught? We were throwing eggs at a house and we ran away. One guy goes, hey, and he saw the house we ran into, rang the doorbell. We hid. Mom answers the door. He tells her that was it.

You're egging the house next door? It was a couple doors down, but it was the rich house, and we egged the shit out of it. Not a well-thought-out plan. No, no. I mean, dude, egging was fun as shit. You get the eggs, you just fucking whip them. I haven't seen that in like 15 years. I haven't even seen kids doing it on the street. I think they'll get the shit kicked out of them. Yeah. I think you just got to know not to do that. Sensitive with the abortions.

All right. I don't even know if that makes sense. Egging was big. Yeah. I loved any other candies that were, any other that you were like, hell yes versus fuck this shit. You know what I would eat, but it was a little much, was the Payday. Yeah. We might go overboard in the caramel there. And salt. It's so salty, so peanutty. I appreciate it, but it was a little much. How about the, okay, how about the Crackle? I'm a big Crackle head. Love Crackle. Oh, dude, you fucking beast. Woo!

Come on, Mark. Join me here. All right, hit me. I just want a little new smoke. Smoke me. Oh, yeah. Look at that sludge. What is this? Flint water? Oh, baby. I'm a big on that. Can I get more cherries, too? Those are fucking delightful. I got no smoke. Dude, love the...

Crackle, Mr. Goodbar was solid too. Oh yeah, good one. Those were unsung heroes, I feel like. Those were like always doing the heavy lifting because you'd get the Hershey's dark chocolate, the Hershey's milk chocolate, the Crackle and the Goodbar in the same bag. And Crackle and Goodbar were fucking, those were doing the heavy lifting in that bag. Agreed. The dark I wasn't obsessed with, but I would eat it. As an adult, I like it. Yeah. I like dark chocolate as an adult. It is a more mature chocolate.

- But yeah, you get that variety pack, you're right. And it was red, yellow, dark, brown, and brown. - It's like the cougar porn of chocolate. You don't appreciate it at like 14, but then you hit like 19, 20, you're like, this is pretty good. - Yes, perfect analogy.

What about TPing? You ever TP a house? Never TPed. We did that once, too. That one was like, you can clean up eggs. That one felt like excessively cruel to me. Oh, yeah. Oh, you fucking rock. Oh, thank you, sir. Bear Jew for this episode. Bear Jew instead of Beer Jew. Yeah, there it is. I love that. Okay, let's go some top horror films. Now we're talking. Because horror movies aren't my go-to. Me neither. I'm not a big horror movie guy.

What's your number one? Both of you. Everyone here. Beard Jew, too. Beard Jew. Number one horror movie. Matt Peters included. Yeah. Let's all go number one and then... Well, what do you mean? Enjoyable or scared the shit out of you most? Or a great movie. Just say what pops in first when I say horror movie. Well, you want to go classic, but I think some of the horror movies in the last 20 years have been amazing. Really? Okay, give me one. I think The Ring. Never saw it. Oh!

That's a terrifying movie. I'm just not a big horror guy. I'm not either, but I was forced to watch it, and I was like, I can't handle it. Turn it off, and it fucked me up for a while. But is that good? I mean, I want to be scared, but... I mean, for me, Get Out was, like, incredible. That was an incredible movie. But were you scared?

To me, that's like commentary and it's funny. But it's funny, too. That's my favorite. It's a thriller. I need a horror. I need some fucking horror. That's a horror. I mean, the way they do that, I think that's a pretty legit. I mean, it's not a slasher, but I always hated the slashers. I watched them all as a kid because your friends all wanted to watch them. Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th, Halloween. I thought Halloween was in another class than those two.

'cause they just made too many Nightmare on Elm Streets. It got to a point where you're like, oh, the nightmare's over. We get it. - Right, right. - Great premise. The idea that the town gets together to kill this guy and then he haunts the kids in the dreams. 'Cause he's a child molester, right, Freddy Krueger? Or he kills kids. - Kills kids, yeah, but he died in a fire. - You can't really be a child molester if you got knives for fingers. Your fingers can't be busy.

Unless you're circumcising. But yeah. The Freddy Krueger one scared the shit out of me. But now as a guy who has trouble sleeping, I'm like, if I meet Freddy, I'm like, oh, good, I'm in REM. Finally, I'm here. But yeah, that one was scary. That was a big deal, that hand. He was scary as fuck. He was. Michael Myers was scary, though. Totally. Tom McCaffrey used to have a great bit about, we love Tom, but like,

that joke, you know, about Friday the 13th, how it's the same camp every year. And he just would do a thing like the camp, like the camp owners getting together like, all right, guys, another massacre at our camp this year. Maybe we can avoid it and keep the camp open. Like, he just kind of broke it down like that. But like,

Yeah, Michael Myers was scary. And yeah, what's his name? Now, who's a really cool actor? Donald Pleasance. Oh, yeah. That guy fucking rolled. Yeah. Halloween's dope. Yeah. The first couple were pretty good. And then it kind of goes downhill. But Halloween three, is that the one where they put the chips in the masks?

Chips. They put little chips in the masks so all the kids sort of go crazy when they hear a song. I don't know that one. Oh, yeah. I think that one's pretty good. I feel like the Halloween, the first one was the best, though, right? Yeah. Which one is that? Jamie Lee Curtis. Jamie Lee Curtis, Donald Pleasence. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Donald Pleasence was a bad motherfucker. Yeah. You want to talk... Oh, sorry. No, no, go ahead. You want to talk scary? Exorcist is up there. Ooh, that's a good... I wasn't even thinking of that one. That might be in the top five. Horror. Horror.

That's a good one. And it's got religious undertones there, Peters. I know you were born in a convent.

It's also one of the most haunted filmings. Yeah, that's where Poltergeist is up there, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I never saw Poltergeist. But there's a ton of deaths and everything like that during filming. Yeah, that's right. That's right. The whole thing's cursed. How about the classics, like Shining or Psycho? Oh, Shining. That's my number one. Shining's number one? Great movie. Great movie. Also rewatchability. Yes. A lot of our movies go back to them. Yeah. Okay, I got one for you. Psycho.

Psycho's good. That's from the 60s and it holds up. And the remake was dog shit. I love Gus Van Sant. I love Vince Vaughn. That movie fucking... A shot for shot color remake? Why? Yeah, right? You remake a thing to remake it, not to just copy it in color. I know. That's so fucking... And I am a big Gus Van Sant fan, so that one bummed me out for sure. I saw it in the theater with my mom expecting it to be killer. And afterwards I kept going, Mother! Mother!

but that's a great movie but the original if we're talking classic horror Hitchcock is the master of suspense no one does it better than Hitchcock is Vertigo? Vertigo is a thriller it's not a horror but Vertigo is a fucking masterpiece that's one of the best movies of all time

I mean, is that a horror? No, it's a thriller. I've seen that. That's the last movie I watched my grandfather, man. He loved, I mean, he's, he's such a great, my grandfather's the best guy, by the way. Like we literally, he was dying of esophageal cancer. He was living with us. And he, uh, I remember we watched rear window, uh,

Because we're watching... He's an old-timey guy. He'll like Mad Men. So we watched a pilot of Mad Men with him. And the turn at the end of the pilot is that he's cheating on his wife. And my grandmother was such a good man that he was just like, what is this? He's just cheating on his wife. He couldn't get past it. Grandpa, we're watching things about murder. But he couldn't get past that the protagonist would be unfaithful. Right, right. So fucking funny. But Rear Window is...

And it's just a set. It's just that one little set. The whole thing. Jimmy Stewart, man. Grace Kelly was so fucking hot. Yeah, he had a look for sure. Hitchcock had a real type. The blonde. Died young, too. She did? She died very young in a car crash. She was married to a prince, I believe. What? Yeah, we'll pull that up. But yeah, she was... Okay, dude.

I mean, we're talking like, all right, can I give you my number one horror? And this isn't my, I don't know if it's the best horror, but it's the one that pops into my head is like one I can rewatch and one that's just classic. I'm going Misery. Oh, yeah.

Oh, great movie. It's so good. You got James Caan. Kathy Bates is the most... Terrifying. She's the most underrated. I'm with you on this one. To be a leading woman and to look like that physically, you have to be so fucking good. They were not casting women who were not this thin back then. Right, right. So to get that role and then to just have the career that she's had, I love Kathy Bates. Yeah, she's a beast and...

That movie is so scary because it could happen. You know, exorcists, you're like, all right, she's possessed by the devil, blah, blah, bullshit. This is like a guy fucking wrecks his car and a lady brings him in and breaks his legs and all that. I mean, that's good stuff.

I mean, that's a great movie. Someone told me in the book, I didn't read the book, but the hobbling. Stephen King, right? Yeah, in the Stephen King book, the hobbling is she cuts off his feet. In the book. In the book. Too much for a movie. And at the end of the movie, he's like walking on a cane. You couldn't have that last shot. You need a bigger win. Yeah.

Speaking of car wrecks, Grace Kelly died at the age of 52 from injuries after she plunged off a mountain in her car near Monte Carlo. I wonder if she was boozing. Damn. Maybe. Was she in a Monte Carlo? No, I made up my mind. That would be something. Man, a lot of car crashes back in the day killed people. Like James Dean. Yeah.

I think seatbelts weren't a real thing then, so if you wrecked, it was over. Jane Mansfield as well. Was she car? Car, yeah. Got her head cut off. What? I don't know if the car flipped or she just got her head cut off. Yeah. Mother of Mariska Hargitay.

Whoa. Another New York legend, man. Law and order SVU. Let's go. Is there more of a two-faced than Mariska Hargitay? Sometimes I see her, I'm like, this is the most beautiful woman on the planet. No, she's beautiful. And sometimes you're like, there's some bad lighting in here, huh? Holy moly. No, no, no. Incorrect. All right. She's got a strong jawline. Love the jawline. She's a beautiful woman. Wait, let's see her and then let's see mom. Mariska Hargitay, go early SVU when she had the kind of like shorter hair. I think that was like. Yeah.

One of the hottest actresses ever. Definitely. Well, good bones. Good genes. Good family tree. Usually mom genes are bad, I'll tell you. Wow, look at that. Hold on. Pull up that photo if you can. I know that's a good looking lady. I think Mariska's hotter because she's got a little...

Little ethnicity cook. It looks like some Greek or something in there. She was on Seinfeld, I think, season one. What? Pull that up, dude. Pull up Mariska Hargitay on Seinfeld. Maybe season two. Maybe it was season three. You know what? It might have been actually when they... It might have been later because it was, I think, when they were casting Elaine. Ah. She was one of the... Pull it up. Yeah. We should also pull up... We should pull up some good horror movie scenes. We could pull up some funny ones like...

Friday the 13th slashings, Halloween. We could pull up some good shit here. This is a good opportunity to really, you know. There's some nudity in a lot of these. That was back when if a girl got naked, she was killed. That was like the classic horror, uh,

- Real mixed bag for the viewer. - Yeah, well this all comes back to religion and sinning, she fucked the guy so now we gotta kill her, blah blah blah. - The nudity is the Snickers, getting the cord through the neck is the Almond Joy. - Yeah. - Yeah there she is. - Is she reading for Elaine? - That's her? - Yeah. - Is she reading for Elaine on Seinfeld? - Yes. - Okay.

We should also pull up Kevin Bacon on Friday the 13th getting fucking killed. But wait, wait, wait. Before we do anything, I want to stay on Hargaday. Jane Mansfield and Marilyn Monroe. No, Jane Mansfield and Sophia Loren. It's a famous photo where they hate each other. And they're both trying to out cleavage each other. And Mansfield. There it is. Look at that side eye.

From Sophia Loren. She's like, hey, I'm supposed to be the hottest gal on the planet. Who's hotter? I'm a Loren man. But look at the fucking scoop neck on Manny, huh? Jesus. That is a great photo. All right. Classic. Oh, boy. Jesus. Hey, channel. This is the fucking 60s. What are you doing, lady? No wonder you died in a car crash. God killed you. I mean, what a sinner.

I mean, that is a low cut. Sinner. All right, all right. Look at that. Jesus. I mean, if you saw Kim Kardashian wearing that, you'd be like, whoa, that's a lot of... I don't know about that. That's a lot of boo. I guess we saw the sex tape. By the way, she killed that monologue. I didn't see it. I gotta watch it. She killed it. I saw a couple of the sketches that were really funny. I thought the one, the sketch where they were, the SNL sketch with Kardashian where they were

All the women going to the nightclub was really funny. Did you see that one? No, I didn't see any of the sketches. I was like, let me see this monologue. I've got to see what we're dealing with here. And she killed it. I mean, great joke. I don't know who wrote the joke. By the way, you look like you're coming out of a vagina. You look like you're just like peeking out. I'm crowning. Speaking of peeking out. Thank you, buddy. Great job. Killed it. Good to have you there. Happy Halloween. You too.

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All right, now we can get all I just had to see the cleavage. This black Manhattan is one of the best cocktails I've had. What? You don't like it? I didn't want to say anything in front of the beard Jew. I'm not loving it. Really? Mm-mm. Too what? Too sweet? Too... Is this... Would you say this is a good Manhattan? Oh my god, are you fucking kidding me? Maybe the chemicals are throwing me off. You're disrespecting our... I love the bartender. First class mixologist? I love the mix-all. I think it's damn good. I love a good Manhattan, man.

So let's do, here we go, Kevin Bacon and we got this in there, Peters, right? Now which one is this? This is Friday the 13th. It must be like third or something. Here we go. Check this out. Remember this? Is he doing drugs? Kevin Bacon, yeah. That's what you get. I'm not going to make it. Not going to make it. Sinning.

That's what it all comes back to, folks. That's why the religious right could watch this and they could be like, see? That's what happens. Yeah, yeah. You jerk off. You die. You bang a chick with nice tits. Mm-hmm. And you don't put a ring on it.

I want the fucking note. Can we please get it? We need the money shot, Sally. Come on. That is the money shot of horror movies, isn't that? Of course, of course. Either way, there's a lot of liquid on your chest. Oh. Hell yeah. Skip. Might as well check out the Jamie Lee Curtis scene while we're here, if you know what I mean. Which one? Which one?

The one that put this movie on the map. Oh, that's Halloween. Sorry, sorry. Wrong tits. Let's get some badass Donald Pleasance scenes. See, that guy fucking rocked. You know I fuck with Donald Pleasance, dude. What other podcast are you going to get some Donald Pleasance talk? What are you? Oh, jeez. Whoa, from the bottom. Now we're here.

- Oh, that's good. - That hurt. - Yeah. - But you know what? We were blue balled and that satisfied my urge. - Hell yeah. - Get some good Donald Pleasants up in there. Go to some other good classic horror movie scenes. Let's fucking weigh in, dude. - All right. - We have the fucking technology. - You got that right. - Which other one should we have? - I just had a Reese's and a Snickers. I would go Milked Up, but it's too chewy. I'm trying to be nice to the listeners here. - Can you throw me a Milked Up over here, please?

Also, it's cool to come in a box. It's a little box. It's nice. I love coming in a little box. Yeah. Clip it. The thing about The Shining is it breathes. No movie could do that now. It's got a long thing with a big ending, but it's just that buildup makes it even scarier.

Damn, that's fucking good. What is that, Twix? Inevitably, Twix. Twix might be number one, dude. Number one? Let me try one of these. It's so good. You get the cookie. Sorry, buddy. The cookie and the caramel.

Still warm. We got to return these costumes. I don't want to get them all dirty. This is probably $59.99 over here, I assume. Matt's laughing in the back. He's like, try $159. Oh, really? Maybe we should guess the price. Let's take a guess. I'm going to guess mine was $45. $45? How am I doing? I'll guess $40. He's going to look it up. Salakys, let's get that Donald Pleasance action going. I did. It was way too long.

What are great horror movie scenes? Wow. Mansfield, huh? Mm-mm-mm. Damn, that's really fucked. Dude, Whoppers are so fucking underappreciated. I take it all back. That Twix is great. Twix is number one, I think. Number one? I don't know. I don't know, dude. I love peanut butter, but Twix is fucking legendary, dude. Twix is good, but I think Twix came later. I'm trying to throw some love to the legends here. Yeah. What year did Twix come out? 64? 64?

Snickers is probably 1814. Where's Kit Kat on your list? Oh, Kit Kat. Get rid of it. Get it out of the country. No. Kick it out. You don't like Kit Kat? I hate Kit Kat. I hate a wafer. Give me a break. What is it? 67 for Twix. All right. I was close. I said 64. Now Snickers is what? I mean, Snickers goes back. Can't fuck with the classics. There's 70 each. Oh, man. You got ripped off.

Yeah, sorry, I got a little Manhattan on this and I tore the thumb, but we'll stitch that up. Amazon takes stuff back, don't worry about it. What are they, made in Korea? Japan. Ah, everything's made in Japan. It's actually one of the Squid Games, they had to make this. Dude, these, you gotta have a Whopper, these are fucking magical. Give me a Whopper. Have a Whopper. Whoppers are fucking magical, dude.

Really, I think the most underappreciated of all. Because people, they sleep on Whoppers. And they're a delight. What about Junior Mint? Mmm, pretty good. I'm not a Junior Mint head. I'm not a mint guy. People, when you're young, they drink, they do the Junior Mint, you know, the peppermint schnapps. And the chocolate syrup, the Junior Mint shot. Dweebs. Dweebs. How about the mint chocolate chip? That was the cool ice cream for a while. I hated it.

Overrated. Give me chocolate, give me vanilla. Don't give me a mint. Give me cookie dough. Give me fucking Rocky Road. Yeah, I want a mint. I'll brush my teeth. Oh, this is a great fucking scene. Salad juice, well done. Oh, good call. This was a play on the genre.

It was meta. It was making fun of the whole horror idea. I'm going to say it right now. A cheers to Wes Craven. The motherfucker understood a play on the genre. This is a fun movie. I remember watching this with my sister. You have a sister? Yes. I had no idea. Are you kidding me? We never bring her up. I have no idea.

dad brought her up to absolutely sister I'm not even fucking how many years I just heard you had a brother well I have a sister too I can't even have a nephew do you have a kid do you have a son too I have a son yeah oh man his name's Charlie I fathered him with Matthew he carried him a term but I did my part as well he hates Halloween I have a yes I have a sister you've

known this absolutely know this. Give me the ages of your siblings. I have a sister and a brother. Exactly. Well, now you know. Well, you don't fucking listen. Wait, give me the ages. You got that fucking purple thing over your ears. That's the problem. I can't hear anything. I, uh...

My sister is, I would say, seven and a half years older. What? No, my sister is not. No, no. She's seven years older, and my brother is five years older. Oh, wow. But it's not by your father, so it's half sister. Step siblings. Okay, okay. Now we're getting somewhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. But she's my sister, and I have a niece and two nephews, twins. Wow. How old are they? Five.

Four. Oh, okay. Wow. Yeah. And she's seven years older than you? Yeah. Wow. She had kids late, eh? I mean. In her 40s? She's got another. No, she's. I'm 35, dude. And she's seven years older. So she had a four-year-old. Five years ago. Yeah. So that would be 38. Oh, I thought she was 41. Okay. All right. Yeah. Good for her. That's fine. Judgey. Judgey. Judge and executioner.

What is this, 97 you think? 99? My point was I was watching with my sister and it was like a no-no. It was like my parents were furious when they came home. It's so scary. What year is this? I don't know. I think it's 97. It says 96 right on the screen. Okay, so it was on video at the time, so I was like probably... Wow, I just lost the neckerchief. Oh boy. Well, so I was probably 12.

Maybe 11. Oh, that's pretty young for this. This movie's dark. It's dark. Man, whatever happened to Skeet Ulrich? Remember that guy? I think once we learn what Skeet meant, he's out. Can we get a shot of Rose McGowan in this? She was so hot. You think when Skeet Ulrich called his friends and said, who is this? He goes, Skeet, Skeet, Skeet, motherfucker. Oh, Skeet, Skeet, Skeet, Skeet. You have to. How could you not?

That's good. Man, it's crazy. Drew Barrymore was on the cover of this movie even though she had this one scene. I know, I know. That's how iconic this one scene was. Yeah. Shout out to Neve Campbell, too, for being hot as shit and also just great. She's great in all these movies. Yeah, Wild Things, this, the other ones.

Not a ton of Neve Campbell catalog out there. She's great on House of Cards. Party of Five. Party of Five. She did a lot of shit. All right. She was a 90s baby. She still looks great. Does she? Yeah. Have you seen House of Cards? I haven't. I dropped off after Spacey. She was there. All right. Let's get to it. Let's talk about it. Matthew Litter. Oh, Jamie Kennedy was in this, and that was a big deal for comedians. Jamie Kennedy was great. Great. Comedic relief. Jamie Kennedy...

Killed this movie. Is there one black person in this movie? I don't know. This is the 90s. I know, and that's how they kept you guessing on who was going to die next. Ha ha ha ha.

True, true. So this is where it takes the dark turn. Let's see. Where he says, I want to know who I'm looking at. And this was big for Pop Secret, I believe. Or Jiffy Pop. Yes, that's right. Because she was doing the Jiffy Pop and everyone was like, we should make Jiffy Pop. Yeah. It's more fun than the microwave. We use a stove. It had a resurgence after this. This is where she realized she was being watched. Let's do it. Why do you want to know my name? I want to know. Coming from the house was the scariest line. What did she say?

Oh, God. Do you want to die tonight? That voice. Remember that mask? That mask was huge. People still wearing that mask. People still wearing the mask. I don't like it. Why not? It scares me. That's the point. It's like the Jews, like, I hated the Nazis. Well, yeah, yeah. Well, it's not the same. The Nazis were real, Mark. Jesus, what the hell? Well, there's murderers. Spent so yesk.

That's it? Why'd you get blue ball on us, man? Why do you ask? Woo! Get the Rose McGowan shit, a tight, tiny shirt on. Rose McGowan was very hot in this movie. Oh, yeah. Was this a Weinstein movie? I bet it was. That's dark. 96, yeah, this was a hot flick. They made three of these motherfuckers. Matthew Lillard. David Arquette. This is gonna be blue balls, too, I'm sure. Courtney Cox was hot as shit in this movie. Oh, yeah.

God, she was so normal then. Now her head's shaved, she's got weird hair. Careful. Sorry. Mark, Jesus Christ, she just came out against Weinstein. Why were you roasting her? Well, I'm just saying, it's good to come out against Weinstein, but I think she's gotten kooky. I think we can all agree. I watched all her shit when I was a kid. I remember, like, the ones, even the shitty ones, where she was just, like, a hot... Jawbreaker. Jawbreaker. She's so hot in that movie. So hot. Rose McGowan was so hot. Oh, yeah.

I like how she's consistent though, I'll give her that. You know there's a murderer in town and you're like, "Okay, lose the-- yeah, whatever." Yeah, right? See, playing a joke about sequels, smart writing. Wes Craven is fucking great. He's great. RIP. Ooooooooh.

You watch it now, it doesn't seem that scary, but when this came out, it was bananas. Like, look, this guy's getting hit with a freezer? What is this? In respect, you gotta let her... She's a main character, she's gotta put up a fight. She can't just die. A lot of these movies, they won't even put up a fight. You just get, like, your throat slit. I like that they let her put up a fight, at least. I get, but this guy's, like, wacky and zany. He's falling all over the place like Mr. Bean. Oh, this is good. This is good. The doggy door.

Not a very dignified death here. No, no, no. Oh, yeah. I can hear him if you're hating on this Manhattan. I'm not loving it. I'm putting it back. Don't worry. And this was the birth of stuck porn. Oh, Mark. Literally the weirdest genre of porn. The weirdest genre. By the way, just 15 minutes ago, you had me...

Pull up people jerking off on newscasters. Okay, okay. Let's go to someone. I know what you did last summer. Hey! Speaking of starlets. Man, Jennifer Love, you would answer. Michelle Gellar, I gotta tell you, I had a big crush on both of them. Oh, yeah.

I know what you did last summer. We had a lot of them. Maybe because we were that age, but I was a teen when these came out, so they just really connected. It was like that group of young people. Fucking Ryan Phillippe. Freddie Prinze Jr. Freddie Prinze Jr. Love that guy. Yeah, he's cool. His dad was a legendary comedian. Comedian, yeah. Freddie Prinze, who killed himself. Yeah, Freddie Prinze Jr., man. He was like the guy for a minute, man. He was the guy and married to Michelle Gill.

Yeah. That's it. It was all very connected, you know? It was all very Tiger Beat-y. Yeah. Oh, there she is. Buffy.

I don't think my sound's connected. Nerds fucking love Buffy. Oh, yeah. Well, nerds love vampires. True Blood, this, Twilight. But she was hot as hell. I mean, she was like the it girl of the 90s, wasn't she? I mean, she was like, wow, look at that. I mean, she was like Cruel Intentions. Oh, what a game changer that was. But that's just like all you have to do is stick with the classics. That's Dangerous Liaisons, right? Oh, nice pull. But that's all it is. You just stick with the classics. I mean, that's...

There's a real formula here too. It's like get good looking young people, guy in a slicker, you don't know who it is, cute town, wholesome neighborhood, murder,

And we got a horror movie, Box Office Smash. You made a mistake. You hit a guy with a car. You might have been partying a little too hard. You might have been drinking, but you didn't deserve a hook to the throat. I know. So what's the idea here? They kill a guy and he lives or someone saw it? No, what happens is they're driving. I think they're pulling up the clip. I mean, you can just pull up the trailer. I'm sure we can shit on this plenty. Yeah. Cell phones hurt a lot of these movies too. Oh my God. Rear window. When they did Disturbia and they were like, I've got no service. What? What?

The whole point was no phones. Exactly. So go to, I know you did a lot of summer trailer and you'll see it all, but it's like they hit a guy, they get rid of the body, he lives and murders all of them. First off, do you know how hard that would be to just find all of their information? Yeah.

Really, you get hit by a car and you're just like, I know where all of you live. How? Yeah. How? It was a hit and run, dude. How the fuck do you know where I live? Did he see the license plate, maybe? Whoa, Filipe. Filipe's great, man. MacGruber. Yeah, he's good. Cruel Intentions. Got a Jeslinick vibe. By the way, this childhood blew my mind. I didn't have any of this shit growing up. They're on a beach. These are like handsome people. They have their own car.

Did you have anything like this? This guy's got a Beamer convertible. I mean, I can't drive, Mark. Oh, yeah, good point. I'm a city kid. But were you going to the beach with a bonfire? I mean, this is paradise. I went to the Hamptons once as a kid. Okay. It wasn't my, but I hated it. Oh, really? Well, were there enough Tums for you? I hate the beach. I don't love the beach either, but. Remember this guy's voice? For friends. Who? Oh, the old trailer guy. Very.

He was good. He was good. This is what Poplar did. They don't narrate trailers anymore. They just show... I think it became too much tropey and too much of a mockery.

His voice rocks, though. It was great. I mean, Pablo killed it. I like it. I love it. But it's a throwback, for sure. And Hache. Ellen's ex-scissor. Freddie Prinze Jr. He was adorable, man. Young kid here. So handsome. So handsome. He's waiting for

Oh! It's pretty rough. Yeah. Look how long they are. This is a long-ass trailer. This has got to fit into a TikTok. They're remaking this into a series. What? That's out already. It's actually not a bad premise for a horror movie. No. You're all bound by a secret. You hit a guy. He's coming for you. It makes more sense in most of them where you're just at a camp and there's a murderer. Right.

You're more invested, right? Well, the other ones are such an easy premise. This guy's a murderer. Why? He's crazy. Like, all right, all right. It's not as fun as- It happens, but it's like we're making movies here. I mean, Scream is more fun where it's just like a kid in the high school and you don't know who it is. Yes. It's more of like a whodunit. Exactly. Can we go to the last scene of Scream? Those are fucking where they're making fun of it.

Oh, yeah. I mean, scary movie. The first one is pretty fucking good. So good. So good. You could not make that movie now. I mean, it's got some crazy shit in it. Really? Oh, my God. The gay jokes and the cripple guy with the arm. Chris Elliott. That guy fucking rules. I know. He's hilarious. That was the second one. Carmen Electra was in that.

She was another big part of my childhood. Oh, yeah. Half Native American. Yeah. Didn't know that one. Just saying. Oh, yeah. Choctaw. Oh, there's Skeet. Skeet, Skeet, motherfucker.

You gotta change your name, I guess, at this point, right? Yeah. He changed his name to Jizz. Jizz Ulrich. Jizz Ulrich. I always saw him as like a cut-rate Johnny Depp. They were like, Depp, good call. He's such a low-rate Johnny Depp. He's a handsome guy, but Johnny Depp was like... Johnny has an aura. Legit charisma. Johnny Depp was trying to be Brando. This dude wasn't trying to be Brando.

Johnny Depp fucking still kicks ass a little bit. Meanwhile, Johnny Depp is in the first Nightmare on Elm Street. Did we talk about that? That's right. Dan Platoon. He didn't want to be... We did talk about it. He didn't want to be a fucking actor. He wanted to be a musician. Oh, really? Like every fucking... Like everyone. Billy Bob, Jeremy Renner. All these motherfuckers are like, check out my band. We're like, we're going to stick with the movies. Yeah. Thank you. Keanu, Harrison Ford. They all have a band. You're right.

what do you got oh more whops huh these rocks are good man easy this feels too fun i can't believe this is entertainment we're eating candy we're drinking food we're watching movies i mean is this anybody gonna enjoy this i feel guilty is it a good one matt we're rocking all right donnie shut up we'll go long let's go some more clips hell yeah oh yeah this is a good reveal

Yeah! Wow.

Are kids getting anything like this now? I feel bad. These poor kids. Matthew Lillard had like a stretch where he was only in bad movies. Now I feel like he's like a good actor again. What's he in now? Yeah, what is he in? Well, he's in Bosh. He's really good in Bosh. I love Bosh. Don't fuck with Bosh. He's in The Descendants. Oh, good movie. Okay.

There was an article, I think in GQ about him or Rolling Stone or something where he was like, I was a hack and I really care about acting. And I was in the Scooby-Doo movie and I made a lot of money, but it's like I made a lot of money as a hack. Right. Interesting. So people knew me as that. And he's like, I care about acting. He's like an acting teacher now. And now he...

He's in good shit. I love integrity. I love it, dude. Me too. That's rare. But I think he's really good in these movies. He's great. He kind of got replaced by Dax Shepard. Dax Shepard came in and they go, we already got a 6'3 skinny guy who's funny. You're out. But Lillard is good in this. He reminds me of the guy from White Lotus. The rich guy from White Lotus. I thought it was him. Kinnear? That's not Kinnear. Um...

I don't know his actual name. Steve Zahn? Zahn. No, the kid in it. Like, the rich kid. Oh, who jerks off on the beach? Yeah. Nope. I did not like that show. I liked it. The one who married the woman...

He wanted his room changed? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The woman who's married to the really hot... Yeah. Yeah, I don't know his name. Oh, oh, oh, the waspy guy. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. No, he's no Lillard. Lillard's got a little fun to him. That guy wasn't fun. He was a little drier. Yeah. He was fine. He was good. He was just drier. Just dry and more villainy. Lillard's got a little pep in his step. Uh...

Courtney Cox in this movie too was hot. Oh, she doesn't get her due as a pretty lady. I think because she was next to Aniston, who's also Greek. I think people think she's hot. What are you talking about? I don't know. I feel like Aniston got the prize. Courtney Cox in Ace Ventura was so hot. Great movie.

she's in a cocktail dress at one scene. Amazing. This podcast turns into a movie pod and I'm fucking good with it. I'm okay with it too, but I feel guilty. I worry that the people are, uh, no, we got, we got a lot of movie fans. I think. All right. All right. You don't, I mean, look, maybe I'm, maybe you read the comments. I don't, maybe people are like, tell Sam to shut the fuck up. I don't know. No, no. I just, I just worry that most people are younger who are watching us and they're like, what the hell is scream? Who's Courtney Cox? Uh,

What is Friends? Matthew Lillard is a little outside the box. What's another really good horror movie we could watch here? Poltergeist was big. You know, Gremlins was fun. Never saw it. What? Gremlins was fun. I mean, it's a campy B movie, but it's well done. The acting is good. Phoebe Cates. Yeah, she was hot. Even the girl Gremlin was kind of hot. Don't get her wet.

All right. All right. I didn't see it, but I still get it. I don't know if you're aware of this. It was Springsteen, even. That's who that is. Come on, this is too young. She looks like a little boy there. This is filmed at Maxwell's in Hoboken, by the way. I performed there. Wow. Wait, wait, that's a stadium. Yeah, you're right. Shit. Let's do this.

She makes that dance look good. I disagree. Matt Peters, you can make this into a gif. To infinity and beyond. We gotta make that into a gif. All right. So what other classic 90s horror movies? Wes Craven did Red Eye. I thought that was a solid movie. Never heard of Red Eye. Killian Murphy, Rachel McAdams. Oh, yeah. Good movie. That's a good duo right there. Red Eye.

He's underrated hot guy. He's fucking, he's hot. He's a sexy bitch, that Murphy. Oh, yeah. Look at those lips. I'd like to. Would you let him pin you down? Hell yeah. Please. I have chocolate in my mouth. Sorry, here. Oh, yeah. Well, your lips are brown. It all makes sense. I'm going downtown. Yeah. Yeah.

I thought it was a pretty good movie. Thriller, for sure. I think after 9-11, there was a lot of plane movies. You had Snakes on a Plane. You had Red Eye. You had the one with Liam Neeson. Planes were scary for a minute. Terminal. New Orleans. This is not a comedy? This is not a romantic comedy? No. Are you kidding me? They're playing it that way.

They flirt. He's good because he looks very approachable, but he could also be terrifying in a minute. He's a Batman villain.

He's a guy from Peaky Blinders, man. This is why you need women, because I would never know he was a hot guy. And then I hear girls like, oh, he's so hot, he's so hot. I can tell. You can see it? Yeah, dude. I'd fucking sit in his face. Why not? Oh, my God. Shit, I don't know. Give this guy two cocktails. Give him three. Let's see what happens. Give me another Black Manhattan. Yeah. Harlem. One more drink. I'm like, I'll fuck Kelly and Murphy right now, dude. I'll fucking suck his dick. Now that's the gif we got to get.

We're going to have GLAAD sponsoring this thing soon. I don't get what's going on. The problem with airplane movies is they're stuck in the air. So you're like, I know you're going to come down eventually. Or is it a terrorist thing? He's a white guy now, Shabab. He puts the Bob in Shabab. Stop.

Gambling with his life. Excuse me, this isn't a motel. Ooh, you ever done the Mile High Club? Never have you. Me neither. I've jerked off. Really? That's so strange. Huh? That's really strange. Why? I mean, you can't like go six hours? Well, it's for the credit. I'm not doing it because I'm horned up. A lot of people were like, well done.

When I came out of the bathroom, I got an applause from the plane. Oh, yeah. Delta comfort. You should have loaded it in the little sink and they're like, dude. Yeah, good aim.

They gave me the wings. That's the clip right there, by the way. It's Mark bragging about getting credit. I'll tell you, I got that arm rest after that, by the way. I was like, you can have it. He wanted the credit. It's the best line in this podcast. Well, you do it for the story. I got the credit. Here's the story. Oh, really? The half mile high. I don't even know what you'd call that. Mm.

Is there more in that shaker? I'm thinking of two full ones there. No, those are just smokers. Take some of mine. I'll trade you. I'm not into it. Good teacher. There you go. Easy boogly. I was wearing clogs.

Child's Play was a real scary movie. Good call. Let's get some Child's Play clips up and let's fucking riff on them. Yeah. Not a great PR for redheads, by the way. Child's Play. Bad for the gingers. You're already struggling with the red hair as a kid and then you're getting called Chucky. Exactly. Get some good Chucky clips up. I remember they did Bride of Chucky. They were cashing in. They really were.

I don't like this kind of movie. I'm not going to lie to you. It does nothing for me. Me neither. But it's also kind of funny to riff on. I get it. I get it. I'm on board, but it's creepy. It's almost kind of funny, but not. It's too in between for me. How about like the people under the stairs? That is fucking terrifying. You want to watch? Let's pull up that after this.

Suburbia is very scary. I'm so much more scared in suburbia. When they put us up in some hotel and we're off the side of a highway, I'm so much more scared than in any city. I completely agree. City, there's people around. Everyone's watching. Everyone's aware. This is like, who knows what's going on in those big houses. This movie scared the shit out of me. This one called Funny Games.

Oh, I remember funny games. Wait a second. Sorry, I've got too many windows open here. No, no, go back to that. Go back to Chucky. We lost Chucky. I'm sorry. I closed it. I was kind of like looking forward to see how many killed are there. What the hell? Have you ever seen this? This is like, you're talking about Suburbia? Mm-hmm. Damn, it's low res. Yeah, right?

This is just a couple on a cabin trying to have a romantic time. Is that Tim Roth? Yeah. And who's the woman? Is that Naomi Watts? Naomi Watts. Terrifying movie. Great actors. Oh, they got the boat in tow. Waspy Americana. I feel like Tim Roth is kind of underrated. I agree. I agree. He always brings the heat. He played the Hulk, and I think that brought him down a peg. He was good in it, though. Yeah, but it's the Hulk, and there was eight Hulks in a row. Ed Norton was in that shit, too. That's not fair. Ruffalo.

Too many hulks. Reservoir Dogs? Hey, I'm with you on that. Pulp Fiction. This is kind of a get out vibe too. Fully. Just bored rich kids fucking with families. And just torturing them for fun. For fun. This looks fun. It's good. It's terrifying. It's good? Yeah.

- Eenie, meenie, miney, moe. Catch the tiger by the toe. If he hollers, let him go. - Because it's so real. - Yeah. - It could totally happen. - And you just hate those guys so much, and they're winning. - What a great trailer. Is that Michael Pitt? - Oh, shit. - Michael Pitt's another great actor. - Where's he been? - Why don't you just kill us? - You shouldn't forget the importance of entertainment. - There you go. - Wow, I like this. This looks really good. And perfect song choice, right? - Yeah. Now let me ask you this, boys.

When you see an actor or actress, like a big movie star, go in, and I walk by a Broadway theater and I see their name. Respect? More respect? Less respect? More respect. I feel the same way. If I see a guy doing Broadway or a lady doing Broadway, I'm like, that's the real deal. Oh, yeah, you see Denzel playing Caesar, you're like, this motherfucker cares. Yes, he loves acting. He's a thespian. You hear the fucking word on Denzel and the Coen brothers? No. No.

No good? Everyone says it's going to be amazing. I mean, is there a better... Hamlet. Oh. Hamlet. Pull it up. Pull it up. Is there a better pairing than fucking Denzel Washington and the Coen Brothers? I know, right? I bet we could sit here and name 15 Denzel Washington movies right now.

Easy. I bet we could do it. All four of us. You're included there, Donnie. 15? That's nothing. Walter. All right, hit me. Glory. That's one. American Gangster. That's a twofer. Malcolm X. That's three. Inside Man. I'll take it.

Fuck. That was a Spike Lee joint, I believe. What's the movie he did? Fuck, it's a- Mo' Better Blues is good. Thank you. Mo' Better Blues. You're at five. Devil in a Blue Dress. Thank you. What'd you say? Man on Fire? Yeah. Deja Vu. Yes. The Preacher's Wife. Hello, Whitney Houston. That's 10. What's the movie where he goes, time is on. Oh, yeah. John Goodman's in it. Good movie. Yes, it is. The guy who played Casey Jones in- Why did they change it?

Falling? Fallen. Fallen. 11. Training day, did you do that? Yeah. I didn't know you liked to get wet, though. Primo. He really hasn't done any comedies, and he'd be great in them. I don't know. I think he could pull it off. All right, I need a couple more here. Oh, geez, the August Wilson play that he just did. What about? No, that was someone else. The Garbage Man one? No. Bridges? No, Fences. Fences. Fences. Keep them coming. Big Denzel, baby. We're close.

I knew you could do it. Oh God. I know there's something obvious we're missing. Yep. That's what's pissing me off. Ah, shit in my mouth. Hold on, we got this. We got- Thank you, AIDS. There's another obvious one. That's 14. We got one more. One more. Who's gonna close it out? It's easy. Anyone else sweating in their Buzz Lightyear costume? Here we go. Denzel, dude. We could do this. Denzel, the biggest, one of the biggest actors in America. Said it. Said it. Thanks for listening, producer. Oh.

Ah, shit. Big Dens. Good old Denzy. You said the preacher's wife. You got that right. I don't know. Was he in a movie where he was a football coach? Remember the Titans, motherfucker. Thank you. Teamwork makes the dream work. Very good movie. Great movie. Way better than radio. Guess Cuba. Yeah, not good. Love Denzel, man.

Do we have the trailer for that or no? Which one? No, it was like, it was there just a couple seconds, just one clip. One clip. Okay, any other Halloween clips we should watch? I mean, we are nailing some, I mean, this is a classic episode already. Oh, wow. Come on. The whole thing is great. We can't bail early. We got to get a peeve or a bit maybe. Well, I got a peeve, but it's not Halloween related. That's fine. Fucking construction in New York, man. Yeah.

It's been going on for weeks. I had this today. In my building. They wake up every day. I have to call the building. They're like, hey, we have a... Oh, look at that. Oh, yeah. What is this? Exorcist? Oh, man. I like that one. I want to watch that one you sent me, Matt. Terrifying. Don't forget Carrie, by the way. Ooh, I've never seen it. Carrie's dark. Good? Dark, yeah. Dude...

construction every fucking day yeah at like 9 a.m they start i know no one's no here's a peeve there's no respect for the night worker oh good call night workers how about how about us how about people that are like bartender or wait tables late at night or so true people who just work late you know that's us and we just sleep in a little it's like well yeah you get off the clock at like 2 or 3 a.m you're not waking up at at

nine because you're not going to bed till five yep so they just don't they're like yeah well it's 9 a.m and you're like well i have a fucking like now i have to check into a hotel because right right it's so true i had this today across the building you know two buildings next to each other the building next door they're doing uh sanding with these sanding guns and i was like close the door like you can sand in there i get it but close the fucking front door because all the sound is coming out and the guy was like

I'm like, all right, whatever. But yeah, brutal. I couldn't hear the TV. Oh, it was killing me, man. We're waking up and it's like one of the things we're like, it just sucks to wake up that way. Yes. I'm so respectful. Like if my girlfriend is sleeping and I know she's got to wake up and the alarm's coming, I wake her up gently. There's something very...

about the gentle wake up. Agreed. And that's an aggressive fucking wake up. Oh yeah. You're starting your whole day and you're like, I know. It sucks to start your day like, and the jackhammering is, it's like so cliche New York where you're like, ah,

I'm working here. All right, we get it. You're a trope. Is that thing ever worked? Does the jackhammer work? They always do it for six hours. Can't we invent one thing that just goes and knocks it out? Do we need... We got a silent gun. Can we get a silent jackhammer? Thank you. Silence is violence. Not with the jackhammer.

Good teacher really seems to care. Way to put a button on it, Rodney. I was an ugly kid, I'll tell you. I used to work in a pet store. People kept asking how big I would get. I'll tell you, I was an ugly kid. Woo, hit it. Can I get a silent jack? No respect at all. No respect for me. No respect for anyone. This is part of our new intro, by the way. Oh, great. Good idea. No respect for anybody. No respect at all.

One of the rare catchphrases that comes from the gut, like get her done, is just a fucking weird thing to say that people are like, get her done, get her done. That was his catchphrase. But this catchphrase, he means it. He's like, I grew up with no respect. I never got

I was poor in Queens. I got diddled. I'm a Jew. No one liked me. I got to change my name 50 times. I didn't make it until I was 50. I used to be a loom siding salesman. I get no respect. I've had so many comics unironically say to me, we get no respect. And you're like, oh shit.

Too bad that's taken. Yes, exactly. What, any other horror movie? I mean, this is like, I feel like this is such a good Halloween ep. I wanna get like, are there any other horror movie clips that we have to watch? Chucky, Gremlins, Exorcist. What are all the ones at a summer camp? There's Cabin in the Woods. Ooh, have you seen Cabin Fever? Oh! Cabin Fever's fun. Texas Chainsaw. Boom. That's a legend.

How about Cabin Fever, though, too, is a good one. Hostel was a fun throwback, by the way. Speaking of Bear Jew, Eli Roth did it. I think Tarantino produced it. Oh, I love it. The old Bronco, the weird kids. Have you seen this one? I mean, it's been years. That guy. Remember that guy? It's so fascinating to see these old actors because...

They all worked their lives, they moved to LA from Milwaukee or some shit to make it. They get in one big movie and then who the hell knows where they are now. Pancakes. What is this? This is Captain in the Woods. I've never seen this. I think I've performed here. But it's really scary. Pancakes? This is the kind of kid you don't want. Just doing ninja shit, talking about pancakes. You gotta put that kid down. This kid is all over the road. This kid needs a phone.

Oh my god. Yes. What a weird audition. All right, I'm gonna need to yell pancakes, do a spinning round kick, and bite a guy. Go! Some kid's like, I went to Juilliard. What the fuck? I was like, I know, but you really need to bite. It's my hand, but I want to feel it. How do you find that role?

Go Cabin Fever, too, now after this. That's up there with Louie's bit. Goodbye, Jews. Ooh, that's a classic. Goodbye, Jews, a little kid from Juilliard. Yeah. That's a fucking Louie classic. I went to acting school. What did you guys ask for? Cabin Fever. Any good scene from Cabin Fever. Have you ever seen Tucker and Dale vs. Evil? No. Is that Michael Cera? One of the best horror comedies ever. It's basically...

just like the rich kids going camping, but the premise of the horror movie is it's from the point of view of the people in the woods. Oh. Instead of the rich kids from their point of view. It's really funny. Interesting. Wait, what is this? Cabin Fever.

Again. No, that was Cabin in the Woods before. Wait a minute. Was that the kid from Boy Meets World? Yeah, dude. What? Get some. Put a towel down. I'm going to slip off a chair. That kid was hot. He was one fine piece of ace. Yeah. That's not funny.

- Wait a minute. - That's not funny. - This was a big one. - Can you help me? - No, no, no, no, no. - She's not coming near me! - You guys gonna kill each other now? - Oh, who is that? Was she the American Pie lady? The Russian exchange student? - I don't wanna get sick. I don't want anyone getting sick. - We just don't wanna get it. - Uh-oh, you got Delta. - This is COVID before COVID. - Yeah. - Just don't give me COVID.

- Rider Strong was his name. - Yeah. - Oh, there's the weird kung fu kid. - Oh, there he is. That was from this. - I got nothing from this trailer. Oh, so they get sick. That's what it is, okay. It's not really a monster, it's a virus. - Go to Tucker and Dale versus evil.

Mark's flat wallet is not a good podcast. Oh, it's stuck in the suit. I can't get to it. I'm covered in buzz. This is fucking amazing. Oh, jeez. What else? Oh, yeah. Now, what is this? Tucker and Dale. Tucker and Dale. It's really good. The kid who plays the bad guy, he's like the bad boy of the preppy kids, is so fucking funny. Really? Yeah.

It's funny as hell. Group Orange loves this movie. What? That's a big thing. Skinny dipping. You know what's a scary movie that doesn't get any love? I'll tell you after this because we're doing 17 things at once here. A lot of cabins.

- Hillbillies are scary. - I'm gonna make you something else. - But they're the good guys. The flip is that the hillbillies are the good guys. - Oh, smart. - Play it. - What am I doing here? - Fell into the water. I go get a rescue. We'll go find your friends. You should relax. Tucker and Dale are on the case. - What is this place? Just a cabin. Doesn't mean there are psycho killers. - Then why don't you go in there and talk to them? - All right, maybe I will.

Oh, this is a comedy. It's really funny. This will be-- you know what? Fuck it. This is my rec. Oh, really? I'll watch this. It's really funny. Oh, shit. That dude's from Dodgeball, Alan Tidwick. That's right. He's English, yeah? Sounds like it. Tidwick?

Chainsaws, all the tropes. Oh shit. He must be allergic to bees or something because he was running like a bat out of hell. Oh, it's all a big misunderstanding movie. These kids are coming out here and they're killing themselves all over the woods. Ha ha ha. That's pretty funny, right? That's a great take. Comedy of errors. The girl that we have, she can maybe explain the whole thing. You've got another one inside. No, she's in my bedroom. That's great. Oh, you gotta take the safety off on the side there. Don't!

That's clever. This is a smart twist. It's a good movie. That kid's the best. He's a standout of the movie. Oh, really? The kid in the blue polo, he's... Because he's like a psycho, but he's like... Normally, this would be the good guy, but in this, he's like a fucking psychopath. Yeah. Yeah, it's a good movie. All right, all right. He had a white belt on, which is always a problem. Remember white belts were big for 10 minutes? Any ropey belt, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just thought of a great idea for a podcast. Just an interview where you go, how the hell did you think of that? Like, that's such a great premise for a movie. Like, how did you think of that? And then how did you execute it? I think it's called How Was This Made? Or How the Hell Was This Made? Is that already a thing? Paul Scheer? I think so, yeah. Ah. How did this get made or something like that? Not even how did you get made. How did you think of it? But they do it, I think, for bad movies. Ah.

So I don't know if it's made for good movies, but... Okay. Oh, I wanted to say, real scary, Deliverance. That's a great movie. Might have been the first hillbilly... Not a horror movie, though. Not a horror, but I mean...

It's bad. Like, bad shit happens. Exactly. I mean, that movie defined the whole hillbilly, scary, redneck... Dude, go to the badass scene and go to the last scene where... Uh-oh. Should we... Well, I don't know if we should do the Ned Beatty scene, but we could do the last scene where...

The anal rape? No, no, no, no. We're not watching that. No, I can't watch that. But the Burt Reynolds, John Boise in the end where they fight him off, that's some badass shit. Oh, do they win in the end? They win. All right. Are you kidding me? It's been a while. I saw it with my dad once. Before he left. All right. Maybe we'll play that as we exit. Go last scene deliverance. It's badass. In the middle. That's badass.

That became the go-to joke, that noise. Oink like a pig. Oh, my God. No, this is a dark scene, dude. This is every black guy's nightmare, by the way. This is where they fight him off. Okay, good. There's Dale. Yes. Fuck yes. Burt Reynolds fucks. Yeah, he does.

You hick pieces of shit. You better pray good. This was Hollywood's take on hillbillies. This is white-on-white crime here. If you go camping, you will get raped. Yeah, right, right. Stay inside. Yes! Fuck yes! Get him! Get him! See, that's so realistic. That's how it would go. You'd grab the gun like that. You wouldn't do some kung fu bullshit. Yeah, what now, bitches? You better run, you!

Yeah! Get him with the oar! You raped Ned Beatty, you pieces of shit. You can't blame him. He was cute. You can't rape Ned Beatty. I know. He's an American treasure. You should have raped Warren Beatty. He was hot. He just died, dude. He did? Yeah. Ned Beatty? Legend. Back to school. Oh, I didn't know that. We talk about back to school a lot. Yeah, that's right. Suffer, motherfucker. Bleed, bitch.

Hell yeah. I mean, he's just a guy who made some mistakes. Who hasn't raped some fucking townies in a swamp? He was asking for it. Look at this motherfucker. This is a satisfying death. Are they going to get the other guy? Watch, motherfucker. Are you kidding me? I'm fired up. Oh, baby. I don't normally say motherfucker this much. Well, the cowboy's coming out of you.

Yeah, that's right. Oh, this is good. Die out, dude. They really lean into this. Did you fuck with Burt Reynolds and Jon Voight in the early 70s, dude? Oh, yeah. Is there a manlier guy than B.R.? Burt Reynolds fucks. Look at this beast. No, no, go to the next scene now. Uh-oh. What happens? Tell me what happens. They got to get that other guy. You got to worry. Just go last scene. Oh, when they...

Yeah. Man, the 70s killed it. It's not the last scene. Okay. There's a whole, like, they have to go down the river after that. Okay, well, you know what I'm talking about. I think so. Poor Ned Beatty. Let's see. Well, he survives, doesn't he? Yeah, I know. Just mentally, it's got to be tough. Yeah, it's got to be rough. Yeah. I think when the stakes are this high, you're just kind of, like, grateful he doesn't get murdered. Good point. Uh-oh. What's going on here? Here we go. Yes. Okay, so they... I think he's still running from them at this point. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, see, the guy's still got the gun. We've got to find the guy on the lam. I think they might be killing the wrong guy here. This is not that guy who was doing the raping.

- Yeah, well they all deserve to die, these motherfuckers. - Yeah. - They all deserve-- - It's just a question. I don't know if it's, it's just a question of whether it's the right guy or not. - Now let me throw this at ya. - Yeah. - Jon Voight, in his ball bag, is Angelina Jolie. - Yeah. - Isn't that crazy? Right now, there's a hot, the hottest woman on the planet is in his sack. - Get him, look it, here we go. - Watch his hand here. - This is, he's shaking, look at that. - Well, it's hard to kill a man.

Yeah, but this motherfucker deserves it. But if you miss, you're gonna get shot in the face. Yeah, but you gotta go for it. You gotta go for it. Release. Shoot, you bitch. Ah, we've all been there. Oh, he got him. He got him. Eat shit, dude. Or did he? No, he fell on his own arrow. Oh, fuck. Did he hit him or not? We don't know yet. That doesn't look like it. No, he got him, I think.

I can't, I feel horrible that people listen to the audio version of this. I mean, it's just us going, "Get 'em!" "YouTube, you gotta do it! We got candy here, we got drinks, we got Jon Voight, Burt Reynolds, horror!" Oh, God. Now, you can't reuse the friend saving you, you already did that once. Ah, jeez, there's a guy pointing a shotgun at Jon Voight. Is Burt Reynolds gonna save the day again?

- Oh, I guess so. - No, the arrow hit him. - Oh, okay, okay.

- All right, all right. - Yes. - I feel like we gotta have a conversation now. - Fuck yeah, dude. - I feel bad. - We went hard, no, we went horror hard on this episode and you know what? If you listen to the audio, watch us on YouTube because we're showing some good ass footage here. - You got that right. - And you get to watch us cheer along Jon Voight and Burt Reynolds murdering rapists in the jungle. - Just driving around in Jon Voight's car. - Oh, you're pro swamp rape?

Well, this is the wrong podcast for you. Great punk band, though, Swamp Rape. Gotta check them out. They're at the Limelight. This is a banger, man. We're fucking throwing hits at you. All right, let me throw a wreck at you. Hit me. Now, we got a table full of candy here. We all just got a cavity. I'm getting a cavity search later. Yeah, I'll be performing it. Yeah, put the gloves on.

Here we go. I hope I haven't done this wreck before. Get yourself, put it right on top of the fridge. Get yourself a bag of clementines. Keep them in the house. I always wanted to do a podcast with my grandma. This is great. Well, after this, we're going to need a little fruit. We got salad juice already. But I'm just saying, clementine.

You pop one while you're watching TV. It's a light snack. It's good for you. Vitamin C. They're cheap. Throw a few on top of the fridge. Get a big bag of them. I love it. They're five bucks for like 30 of them. Look, I love a clementine. Good snack. You get a Florida clementine.

You're rocking. Yeah. I'm not going to deny it. Well, fine. It's great. One of the few good things to come out of Florida besides Epstein and Tommy Lee. And bath salts. I don't even know if Tommy Lee's from there. He feels like he's from there. I can see that. Yeah. Dude, I feel like this is like a banger of a Halloween. Oh, yeah. Who else is doing this? We got Peter's, the wizard behind the machine.

I feel like we got some good shit there. Yeah. Should we do a joke before we leave? Yeah, my joke. I'm not too proud of it, but it's an idea. What about you? I have one idea. This is not hitting, but I think there's something here. Hit me. I want to run it by you. Lay it on me. When people are like, you know...

"Why are we talking about race?" "Cause it's uncomfortable, that's why." And you're like, "Well, that's not why." Yeah, right. You know, there's a lot of uncomfortable shit. Yes. You know, I saw my friend a while ago, I hadn't seen him in a while, and he looked terrible, and I wasn't like, "Man, you have let yourself go." And then I wasn't like, "Oh, uncomfortable? "Now we're getting somewhere."

You know, I don't know where to go with that, but there's something about that I think is funny. Discomfort is not a reason to talk. If that was true, we'd all talk about the fold-out bed on the sofa. I mean, talk about uncomfortable. You got the bar right in the middle there. It's brutal. Uncomfortable. Oh, you have roommates? Uncomfortable? Yeah. Now we're getting somewhere. Right, right. Fed up? Me too. Yeah, that's totally not why we're talking about it. That's something.

Uncomfortable is a horrible reason to start talking about something. You know why I haven't talked about cum shots with my mom? It's uncomfortable. She knows about them. I know about them, but no thank you. I don't know if my mom knows about them. Oh, come on. You got two siblings. Oh, they're not blood related. All right. All right. I'm trying to keep that pure in my mind. So you're an only child.

Biologically. Biologically. I have a half-brother somewhere who I've never met. Man, you got people all over town. Yeah. He looks just like me. If he saw a picture, he'd be like, holy shit. Pull it up. What's his Facebook? What's his name? Facebook him. Fuck. Anthony Elgort. Wait. Elgort? Yeah. That's not his name. Yeah. No famous person? Bleep that.

Anzo Elgort is, that's my cousin. Whoa, that I knew. Yeah. Baby driver. Yeah. He's a tall cup of jizz, that guy. He's a sweet guy. He's a really good kid. Yeah. Anthony Elgort, hey, he's handsome. This is a rugged half Jew here. Look at this guy. He's older. That is a mountain man right there. Look at that five o'clocker. Is this yours? Yeah.

Good for him. Is this weird that I'm doing this shit on the podcast and not reaching out to him? Maybe, maybe. He probably appreciates you talking about him for once in your life. Remember me, Sam, you're happy? I don't think he wants to meet me. You never met him? No. What?

What's going on with this family? I just heard about your sister today. I brought him up to my biological father once. I was like, oh, I'd love to meet him. He goes, yeah, you know, I floated and he didn't seem that interested. I was like, what the fuck? All right, I don't know. Jeez, call in, Anthony, you deadbeat. We'd like to connect you two. This is who your blood is over here, the Woody outfit. You need a kidney? This is a great way to meet your... I'm Woody from Toy Story. You get it? Yeah.

There you go. God is good. Yeah. Happy Halloween. I mean, that brings families together, hopefully. Elgort. It's a weird name. You got a bit, Mark? Yeah, mine sucks. Mine sucked. All right, well, we'll suck together. I feel like all you're hearing about now is sleep. You got to get sleep. Sleep is a superpower. If you don't sleep, you die early. You got to get sleep, sleep, sleep. So sleep has become this health movement.

but it's the only health movement that can fuck your life up. You know, you're like, why are you late for work? I'm healthy. I've been sleeping. I overslept. Oh, you overslept, you deadbeat? I'm not a deadbeat, I'm a health nut. It was a health day. Yes, exactly. Why'd you miss the flight? You didn't come to the big work retreat or whatever. You missed your wedding. I slept through it. I'm healthy.

Is there anything there or is that silly? No, there's something funny there. I mean like everything's about personal health. Right. But not at the expense of the company. Ah-ha, exactly. Right, like. And nobody missed work 'cause they were eating kale or at the gym, you know. But sleep, you're unconscious. So it's the only health thing where you're like missing stuff. Well, you can work while you eat kale. You can't work while you're sleeping. Right. Like if you took a nap at work, you'd get fired.

You take a nap at a bar, you get kicked out, but yet it's so healthy. It's a weird thing where we're intersecting health and- Companies act like they want you to be healthy, but they want you to be healthy on your own time. Aha, maybe that's the angle. Exercise, even a healthy lunch, that's on your own time. Right, right. When a company gets you lunch, it's never healthy.

Right. It's always like, we got you lasagna and pizza for lunch. Yeah. How often are you out and you're like, we got you pizza. And you're like, OK, but. Right. Right. Yeah. It's always pizza. That's true. I want my cheat meal when I'm fucking not at a place I hate. Yeah. Well, the Japanese are allowed to nap. If you nap at work, you're like, well, this guy's a real hard ass, like hard worker.

But here it's not, it's a cultural thing. Well, you gotta stay at work. Yeah. Staying at work is a real fucking, it's an aggressive move, but if you do it,

There's a contradiction because we're all like, burn the midnight oil. This guy hustles. This guy never sleeps. I'll sleep when I'm dead. But it's healthy. You got to get to sleep. It's very, you know, we're kind of contradicting our bullshit here. It is funny having you pitch this like bit. This like heady bit and you're like in a Buzz Lightyear glove. Yeah, right. Just saying. Maybe there's something there. I don't know. It's an idea. I don't know how to make it ha-ha. It's funny that sleep is...

It's healthy now, but it's also lazy. We encourage sleep. I think the wrong word is healthy because it's...

I mean... Everybody's promoting it. It's like, you gotta get your sleep, gotta get eight hours, you know? It's all about sleep. It's a superpower. But it's also, it's the only thing healthy that's lazy. Maybe that's the angle. Yeah. You know, it's considered, you slept through work. You were late. You sleep all day. Yeah, yeah. But if I worked out all day, you'd be like, this guy's a fucking machine. Yeah. But if I sleep all day... Not if you didn't show up to work, though. True, true. That's the thing. It's like, you gotta still be there. Maybe the work thing is no good. But sleeping all day, you go...

It's fucking one o'clock. This guy's still asleep. That might be the angle. It's like you sleep all day. Yes. And you feel like a million bucks. But people think you're lazy. You're like, well, no, no. I'm a health nut. Like I'm trying to stay in shape. Right. It's an idea.

Throw it out there. I'll try it. It just needs one good twist and then I'll try it on stage. People who sleep all day are usually depressed. So you're saying it's the opposite though. No, I'm healthy. I'm getting 18 hours a day. Yeah. Yeah, I'm healthier than you. If you sleep eight or nine hours a day, people think you're good. If you sleep 12, they're like, this guy might have a problem. It's the same with the bodybuilder. Like, dude, you're at the gym 12 hours.

You gotta take a break. Well, if you drink at an office party and if you're like a drink or two, people think you're cool. But if you have four, they're like, what the fuck? This guy's a lush. Yeah. This guy's got a problem. Yeah. Maybe that's the angle. We never do that with guys who sleep a lot. Like, you have a sleep problem. Hmm. Yeah. Anything in excess is a problem. Yeah. Anything. Sex addiction, booze addiction, drug addiction. A little weed, all right. But if you just...

- Sex is healthy, but if you're fucking four times a day. - Yes, also true. - Then people are like, you had a fucking meeting at two. And you're like, I was fucking my wife, I'm trying to be healthy. - I'm trying to be healthy. - You know? - Yeah, I'm trying not to get prostate cancer, I'm jizzing everywhere. Interesting, okay. - That's something. - That's something. Sleep and sleeping with people. - Respect. - All right, all right, where are you gonna be there, Woody?

Woody, I'm gonna be-- Cowboy. I got Phoenix, Arizona this weekend. Or was I just there? I don't know when this comes out. Oh, Chicago! Oh, that's already happened. Sold out. Sorry. Sold out anyway, baby. Hey, sold out. They love us in Chicago. San Francisco, Cobbs, one of my favorite clubs in the country. Never been there, but it's one of my favorite clubs already.

Charlotte Comedy Zone in North Carolina. We moved Buffalo. We're doing another date. We're doing Miami that week, 9th through 11th of December. We got Dallas the 16th through the 18th. We got Richmond, Virginia in January. We're adding all kinds of dates. Columbus, Ohio is coming up. We got Albany coming up. We got Orlando Improv coming up. A lot of crazy shit. Kids. Samorelle.com slash shows.

Get some. That's my new catchphrase. Yeah, get some. All right. Thank you, partner. I'll be all over the road. I don't know when this comes out. Boston, Brea, Milwaukee, Atlanta, New Orleans, Vancouver. We're coming across the border, you crazy Canucks.

Toronto, Funny Bone in Syracuse. That's out. We got to change that. My website is- Are you dumping that? I'm dumping it. It's over. You're not doing Syracuse? I'm out of Syracuse. I just did Buffalo and Rochester. I've taken the whole tri-state area. Levity Live in West Nyack. Who's doing my website? These are dates I've done or canceled. CB Live in Phoenix. That was eight years. Go up. Go up. Sorry. Sorry.

Oh, this is all over the road. Portland, Oregon. Ah, damn, I gotta get a new website. A Heath candy bar. Oh, Charlotte. Charlotte, I'm coming to the comedy zone. Me too, man. That's a good room. I think we're there back-to-back weeks. Oh, nice. Come out, drunks. Heath candy bar is really good. I didn't know we had a Heath. Heath Ledger.

Heathcliff. Whatever happened to Heath Ledger? But all right, we got a hot show. Thanks, guys. Happy Halloween. Stay safe. Don't eat a razor blade. Don't TP yourself. Throw an egg. Have an abortion. Don't get diabetes. We might be drunk at...

WeMightBeDrunkPod at gmail.com, patreon.com at patreon.com slash WeMightBeDrunkPod. Listen, support, see us on the road, follow the WeMightBeDrunk Instagram

Follow Mark and myself and Salicus and Matthew Peters, all of us on Instagram. See us on the road. We love you. We're grateful for you. Oh, and watch Full Capacity if you haven't seen it yet. There you go. Matt Salicus directed it. I love it. I'm proud of it. It's a good time. Hell yeah. All kinds of YouTube content. And get on the Patreon. Say hello. Thanks a lot. We love you. Happy Halloween. Happy Halloween.

You've got a friend in me You've got a friend in me When the roads lose love for wear Then you might stand on my front Your nice warm bed You just remember what you're all passing Oh, you've got a friend in me Yeah, you've got a friend in me

You got a friend in me You got a friend in me When the road rough ahead And your mind's a mine from your nice warm bed You just remember what your old pal say Boy you got a friend in me Yeah you got a friend in me

Thank you.