Ep 46: The Other Rachel Feinstein
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We might be drunk, we might be drunk, as long as we are hanging out, you know we might be drunk. Raise a glass, let's talk shit, pep heaps, wrecks and a bit, maybe drunk, we might be drunk, yeah.

We're back, baby! Yeah! It's a new week with the same us. But this time we have our first guest. You got that right. Oh, hell yeah! Find a little estrogen in the house. Oh, God. God. All right. I guess we're going to keep that. All right, well, Rachel Feinstein, our good friend, is in the building. You could just introduce me as one of the guys. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Well, you're here, so we have to make a, you like girly cocktails, so we're making a special girly cocktail, Beer Jew. Have you met Beer Jew? Oh my gosh. Yeah, he's our in-house mix-on. Only in the form of my grandpa Zadie. Shout out to Zadie.

Zadie in the house. Zadie fucking killing it right now. Dead. You order drinks that are like, you know, girly. Dumb twat drinks. There you go. What I order just the bartender immediately decides that I'm a pointless hole.

I order the such dumb drinks. I order the drinks that the girls that heckle me order. I am like a malpine plate, just fucking characterless. Pineapple, a lot of pineapple vodka. Yeah, but I've graduated because the sugar was making me too wildly ill. So now I just like...

I like like a tequila soda or a vodka drink but you could like I want to have a good tequila but truly you could give me well and I wouldn't know the difference. Yeah. You know what's funny is our producer Matt who is always on it looks Rachel up before the show and her favorite drink is a Negroni and I said that's not true. That's a lie. He was looking up a different Rachel Feinstein. Oh my god that's the

sculptor that I always get confused with. Sculptor? Yes, there's a famous... Can I tell this story right now? Pull her up. Can we see her? Who's hotter? There's a famous sculptor. She's hotter. She's really hot. Oh, come on. I don't believe it. And she's a famous sculptor and she gets... You got the first Google search. Hey! I just want to thank you.

She's a sculptor and she was like on the cover of like, she was like, they did an article rather about her in Vogue. And she's like best friends with like Mick Jagger and Sarah Jessica Parker. And she just has this life I've wanted. Like her husband painted her for years and then he met the woman he'd been painting. Like it's just like...

Like a man has never adored me like that. Like my brother's always dating women. Like, like his wife, it's just like everything she does is adorable. I've never had a man feel like that about me. Like as soon as they meet me, they get angry at what a pig I am. I've never had a guy just be like. But you couldn't be with that guy if he was like, Rachel, my darling. You'd be like, oh, shut up. I want that. Like when I see a man. You don't want that.

see like get a like a like a like a celebrity couple at a Knicks game and he just has one the guy has one hand on her lower back I project so much onto their relationship I'm like he protects her in a way my that was the Samanaj on my back

So Rachel Feinstein is fine as hell. Look at these kids. I know they have a famous family. Rachel has a beautiful baby. Frankie is one of the most beautiful children I've ever seen. Thank you. I'm not just saying that because I'm a pedophile. I really mean it. But can I just say that...

Frankie is a very beautiful kid and she's very fond of you. Usually she's suspicious of men and actively terrified of men. But I just want to say that Rachel Feinstein, the sculptor. So I would get calls from my manager saying, offering me things. This happened to me. He was like, they want to do a story about you and your fashion choices. And they're going to like highlight you in Vogue. So I walked around with like fashion profile confidence. I'm like, I do take stuff.

some risks. I was telling everybody, I'm like, yeah, I could say that. Meanwhile, I shop at Forever 21. I'm a true, true moron with fashion, but I believed for weeks that Vogue wanted to do a profile on me, and then I got quietly uninvited to the profile. They're like, oh, yeah, they actually don't. They want this other woman. Then they called me, and they were like, do you want to ... Oprah wants to invite you to a private dinner party. Wow.

Invited the guy that I'm now married. He was like, we were just starting to date at the time. And I was like, so Oprah is intrigued by me. I'm going to bring my Brooklyn fireman husband. Yes. And I had to tell him that she was not. Do you know you walk differently if you think Oprah is intrigued by you? Of course. That's a whole new level of confidence. And then again, I just got softly uninvited. You changed your next title of your album to one of Oprah's favorite things.

And then they were like, I called my manager. I was like, listen, they'd said it's the other Rachel Feinstein. It's the sculptor. We're really sorry. And I was like, listen, I already invited the guy I'm dating. I canceled a fucking gig because I thought I was going to meet Oprah. Can you just call them and see if I can get in? I mean, it was like something perfectly worthless. But I was like, can you just see if you can get us in? It's too actively humiliating to tell this guy I'm newly dating that Oprah doesn't want to meet me after all. It's horrifying. Yeah.

So I told them and they were like, okay. Your boyfriend's like, I actually, I'm going to be honest. I thought you were the sculptor Rachel Feinstein as well. This is very confusing. So they called back and they're like, I was like, just get us in if you can. And he's like, yeah, they're pretty firm that you're not to attend. I think they had a picture of me like at the front door, like the security guard had a photograph. Like do not let in. Like the guy at the bodega. Bad checks.

Oh, let's try this drink. What do we got here, Beer Jew? This is basically like a watermelon, basil, tequila concoction. This smells incredible. The smell coming off this is... Smells good, like a pad thai. That's what I was going for. Dude, this is so good. That is delightful. This is really good. Refreshing. Watermelon, basil, tequila, a little sage rain.

Oh, this one. We know Dan. We know Dan St. Germain, our buddy. Wait, what is... I should have listened the first time. That's not good radio to ask you again what it is. But now I want this to be my drink because it's really satisfying. He'll make anything delicious, though. He's good. We'll call it the Rachel. Or I don't know which Rachel Feinstein. Maybe we'll get... Right now, the Rachel is a sandwich. How dare you?

We'll call this the not sculptor. It's a fun-loving sandwich and a haircut. It's a good... It's a Jennifer Anderson's friend's haircut. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Yeah. She's from New York. Jennifer Anderson? Yeah. I think so. Isn't the rider rumor about Jennifer Anderson the one about getting the green M&Ms picked out? No, that's not her, is it? Is it? That's old. I don't think so. Yeah, that came before her. That guy's like Led Zeppelin or something. Yeah. Those from like

Ozzy? That Winston Churchill. There you go. He loved M&M's. That's what killed him. Van Halen. Van Halen. That was it. And it was all just to see if they would do it. They're paying attention. Yeah.

Oh, I see. Do you have a rider? Yes. And like, it's literally nothing on it. And there's, and it's, I mean, there's like two of the saddest, like it shows you my self-esteem when you read what's on there. Same, same here. It's so telling. I'm just like, my riders just says like, I'm sorry I'm here and I'll see myself out.

There's like just like any protein bar. Sorry. That's what I do. I do the same. Yeah, just like a protein bar, water, and sugar-free Red Bull that'll get me through the late show. Sugar-free Red Bull. And none of it's ever there. Why don't you do – you're a Red Bull person? I mean I'm not – I don't want to be a – I don't want to identify that way, but I just need some caffeine to get me through the late show. But when I order it, I'm actively humiliated. You know Bob Saget – I just did Bob Saget's podcast and he said he was offered –

a buy-in when Red Bull was getting off the ground for like 20 grand. He would have had a huge steak in Red Bull and he took a sip and he was like, this stuff tastes like shit. Mm.

Yeah, I mean, it does taste like ass. It does. Oh, God. I hate myself already. The only thing worse than Red Bull is when you drink with Red Bull. Those people are like, give me a Red Bull and vodka. You're like, oof. If you have one, I don't judge you, but once you have more than one. Oh, yeah. I just don't like Red Bull. I remember I was at a bar once at PJ Clark's and the bartender, someone ordered a Red Bull and he goes, we only do coffee here. And he said it was such disdain and I kind of respected it. Hell yeah. Yeah.

It was a badass move. Yeah, I respect that. I also have skinny pop on it, which Nikki said was good. I called Nikki and asked her what I should put on it. Nikki Glazer. Yes, because I knew that she respected herself a little more than I respect myself. Women love popcorn. It's good for you. It's locale. It's locale. I assume it would be one of Oprah's favorite things. Yes. But I always feel like even when I ask for almost nothing, none of it's there. They'll be like, they know what I'm worth and they're correct. I'll get there and they'll be like,

Literally just like a do-rag or like a nickel or something. Do-rag. What is your ride? I like an Afro pic. What's that? What's your ride? All I have is protein bars, bananas, and beef jerky. Because to me, beef jerky is the height of luxury. I'm like, man, a bag is $6.99. So I get them to buy it. They are good. Oh, it's great. Love a jerk. The problem with the jerky is, though, you want to keep it special. Now I'm kind of used to it because I get it every week.

So I took the fun out of it. It's like having Christmas every day. Yeah. It's satisfying, though. I love it. Jerky. I love it. I do fresh fruit and... That's good. Fresh fruit's good. And then iced coffee. Oh, yes. I asked for cold brew. That's true. Cold brew. And you get a little oat milk in there. You get a nice little coffee before the show. You wake up a little bit. That's not bad. Cold brew gives me the anxiety, though. A lot of clubs will just have liquor in there, too, which is a weird move. They're like, we got you liquor. I'm like, don't you guys have a full bar? You didn't have to buy me liquor.

That's true. I think it's because of this podcast. Yeah, probably. This is making me realize where I'm at because these things don't happen to me. And then they just give you sneakers, right? And then you're like, I got shoes on. That's Eddie Griffin, though. Oh, really? You heard that story, right? No. New Air Force One sneakers every weekend. And he doesn't take them either. He just does it to the hour move. It's a control thing that's hysterical. I love a power move. I remember the waiter working that weekend like, all right, I'll take these. That's nice.

Yeah. Have you been on the road a lot lately? Yes, I have been on the road a lot lately. Where have you been? Where was I last weekend? Springfield, Missouri. Not named dropping. It's actually a pretty fun club. It's good. Yeah. That guy is so nice. Chris. He's a good hang. Like he walks you all the way up to your room. Like whatever you need to bring, he'll walk you. He'll take you up to the elevator. He tries to get in the room. He's like, come on. There's one kiss.

No, I mean, he does. He's so sweet. He fingers you until you fall asleep. I just want to make sure everything's good. Yeah. No, he's great. That's in your rider. I think he was part of Kanye West's presidential campaign.

What? I think he was. Wow. I'm not making that up. He was like, I'm not in the city right now because I'm working with Kanye. And I was like, what? I thought it was a joke. And then he was like, no, I'm like trying to get it off the ground. It sounds like a joke. Are you serious? I forgot he ran. Yeah. Do you ever have this where somebody takes you around? He took me around like town and he was giving me all the facts of the town, you know? And they were hysterical. He was like, on this corner, the first Munchausen's disease diagnosed.

was given. I was like, that is the best small town fact I've ever heard. He's like, first Munchausen. And he's like, and I know a friend that fucked her. And I was like, wait a second. Those are the saddest facts. They're known for cashew chicken there. That's right. That's their thing. That's their thing. Brindle and Dury invented cashew chicken. And I'm like, what the fuck is cashew chicken? It's some kind of Chinese food. Yeah.

Yeah. What do you mean, what is it? You should know it well. Christmas. Yeah, there it is. I was always a General Tso's guy. Really? Yeah, I guess you're right. You were. Because I've gone to Chinese. It's just weird that it's born in Missouri. Cashew chicken. I never would. It is pretty good. It's all right. Yeah. It's no Kung Pao.

Kung Pao is great. What's your go-to order at a Chinese place? Pepper steak. Really? Oh, yeah. I love the beef and broccoli. I guess I like sesame chicken or mixed vegetables. Mixed vegetables are good. If I start to think about meat in that type of situation, I go for the mixed vegetables. Sesame chicken is general, so is it transitioned. It just went through a little thing. What is the difference? Is there a difference? The seeds. The seeds.

By the way, you guys, are we on camera? Because I can sit differently if I know I'm not on camera. No, no, we're on camera, but you're looking great. Everything's working. No, no, I'm going to look fat if I sit like this. You can move that out of it if you want. Yeah.

Women are going to hate you because Rachel is so thin. And you can't just say, like, I'm fat when you're so thin. Oh, thanks for saying that. But people tell me online, so that's where I get a lot of my insecurities. Sorry about that. That's a good place to get weight loss tips. Yeah, that's true. Good motivation. Like, I'll get people arguing about me. Like, this guy, Mr. Twa Waffles, that always writes everything.

I was up at like three in the morning reading all my comments. You're never supposed to do that. There's this guy, Mr. Twat Waffles that hates me. And he'll give me a brand new insecurity, Twat Waffles. He's really active under my videos. And there's other guys that stick up for me. He's like total man voice, you know, wouldn't fucker.

whatever. Right, right. But he must love you if he's watching everything. That's the weird fine line. Yeah, the thin line between love and hate. I don't know. I mean... Well, they become... If they comment on everything, they've got a thing. I guess you're right. He seems so against me. And then there's this other guy, Muffeater69, that sticks up for me. He's like... If you put... If you have a YouTube profile and you get to comment, there should have to be, like...

Like a bio attached. Yes. If you get to weigh in, we should get to know something about you. Right. It'd also be fun to check the other Rachel Feinstein and see if Twat Waffles is right on her. Are we calling this the other Rachel Feinstein this episode? You got that right. The sculptor. The sculptor. It's so funny. Although you sculpt your act. You're an artist. I'm no such thing.

But I have to say, like, I'm a little drunk already. What were we just talking about? Aren't these good? Yes, they are. She was hammering what she got here, for the record.

Is there a blow on my nose? It's a little blood there. No, wait, wait. I had something to say about what we were just talking about. Oh, twat waffles, comments. Oh, yes. Twat waffles. Muff diver. So then he goes, you know, Muff Eater was sticking up for me. And he was like, come on, man. Do you think she actually has time to read this shit? She's out living her life. I'm like, one point for twat waffles because here I am.

This is an Avengers I would watch. I'd listen to dudes. Twat Waffle versus Muff Eater and superheroes. The extended universe of the internet commenters. Exactly. Now we're getting somewhere, Marvel. Pick it up. Man, that's one thing, though, men don't get. I've never had a woman defend me on YouTube comments. I feel like a nice guy will chime in and be like, hey, buddy, don't say that to her. Right.

I mean, but they're so, they're so furious. Is that called white knighting? I mean, I look at Sam's videos. I'm like, great guy. I love the act. Like, you know, keep going, Sam. Go get him. It's like they're cheering on a baseball team and mine are just like, dumb bitch, die. YouTube comments for women, it's definitely a different.

Oh, no. Oh, yeah. It's all books. They hate us in a wild way. Yeah. There's danger in the comments. You're like, oh, these people would harm me if they saw me up close. We get like homo and stuff like that. Sure. What a douche. What a dweeb. Pussy. Pussy, yeah. Cuck. Lip tart. And I'm kind of like, you think pussy hurts me? I call myself a pussy. I know. You can't do worse than this noggin for insults. Do you let it affect you, Mark? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And I don't want it to. Mark reads every comment. I read them all. And the messages and everything. And...

The worst is when they get one right. You know, it's one thing if you call me a gay guy or something. I'm like, all right, I can deal with that. But if you're like, he says this a lot. And you're like, oh, I do. Yeah, they give you good notes sometimes that hurt. Yeah, and I was like, I do say, I didn't even know that. Oh, my God. That's what fucks me up.

When they're right. When it is like semi-constructive. Yes. When you're like, yeah, I could stand a better word economy. You got me there. Yeah. One guy wrote, he says, I don't know a lot. And I watched it and I was like, I said, I don't know like 10 times. Wow. Crushed me. Damn. I mean, but that's not, yeah, I know. That arrests me. But then when I hear it about you, I'm like, oh, that's kind of helpful. Like it's not. That's kind of helpful. But when you just feel vulnerable. And so seen, yeah. Seen. Yes. That's it. Because you're just so exposed. Because you get up on stage and like.

Especially like a stylist will put me in an outfit and then I'll look at it later. I'm like, I look like a fucking asshole. And then all the comments underneath there. Everything you put on that you put on later never looks as good. You get clothes goggles. Like when I'm at the store and I put something on, I'm like, this works. And then I get home and I'm like, I look like shit.

I don't know. I feel like I take these big swings that I feel like a fool a lot of times. And you never wear it again? Yes. Like a stylist told me to wear these like shiny tiger boots. And I'm like, ugh, I look like a freshly divorced like real estate agent searching for the next one. Flipping houses. I look like just like the kind of woman that would like pick up somebody at an airport bar. And a lot of the things that I get put in. And then when I get out, I got to the club in Springfield and somebody on that lineup was like,

He was like, oh, boots, shiny. You're having a crazy night. And like right then, I was like, oh, just kill yourself, Rachel. Like just him just noticing my sassy choice. I was so immediately disgusted with myself, you know? Like he's like, oh, boots. I'm like, ah, damn it. That enough will just make me want to throw them in the trash. I don't want people to notice my outfit. I want them to just be like, oh, hey. I don't want to –

That's the sign of a good dresser. Really? At least in my opinion, if I can't remember what a man's wearing for men, if I can't remember what a guy's wearing, then he's a good dresser. Interesting. Because for me, it's like that with guys. Safe is good. Can't be too casual. Yes. I don't want to see a guy take a lot of big swings. Speaking of swings, I don't want to see a man...

I want to be fucking Wade Boggs. I just want to get on base. I don't want to be hitting home runs. You see these people that are like, this guy's a good dresser. I'm like, he's wearing a fedora. That's a fucking ballsy move. Yeah, that's tough. Good dressers generally don't want to be inside of you. That's what I feel like as a woman. If he's a really fine dresser, I'm like, he doesn't want to be inside of you.

inside a woman. What's that? It's like being a great dancer. If you're like doing the tango, you're just gonna be like, I don't wanna fuck, I just did the tango, you know? I thought women liked dancing, guys. I don't know. I don't know either. It's tough. I feel like black guys. I think in Latin America. Latin America and black guys, they can cut a rug and it's fine. But if there's a white guy, like... Is that dancer?

That's amazing. Dude. That could be like. That's a gift. Is that a gift? That is a gift. Yes, please. Give us a couple shots of that. What was this? What? That was like a tango salsa. I love the way you held yourself.

I've seen men do that. Yeah. They usually have a vest on. You ever see, you ever at like a wedding and you just see a guy, a comic, you know, break out and you're like, you can dance? Ryan Hamilton. Ryan Hamilton. He can twinkle toes. He can cut a rug. Unbelievable. He can cut a rug. And a good dresser, by the way. He is. He's a good dresser. Because you know what? Certain people, he wears like kind of well-fitting jackets. You get old and you realize all you need is for the clothes to really fit.

Yes. Yeah. But that's the thing is the fit changes. In the 90s, it was loosey-goosey, and now it's tighty-whitey. What? Yeah.

I think jeans got tighter, shirts got tighter. You see blazers in the 90s? You watch old episodes of Seinfeld, you're like, that's a baggy fucking blazer. Exactly. Or you see Larry Sanders, and you see Shannon, and you're like, you're wearing a double-breasted blazer? The suit pants are this wide. It's like a zoot suit. But that's coming back in for women, which is, that's how I covered my pregnancy. I just wore a lot of Paula Poundstone blazers. I just dressed like Bea Arthur the entire time I was pregnant. Right. I didn't

know you weren't supposed to hide it like I was like whispered all my friends don't tell anyone I'm pregnant and they're like you're married they're like you're married you don't need to hide it this long I hid it like a Catholic teenager who gave it away someone gave it away at the cellar didn't they well fucking Keith he kept going like why is Rachel's body disappointing all of a sudden ha ha

He's like, everybody, let's do a fun quiz. What's wrong with Rachel's body? When you wore a blazer once to the cellar, what did he call you, like a district attorney or something? He's like, Rachel dresses like a district attorney. That one hurts so bad. Because it was so accurate. It was such a perfect... I do dress like a district attorney. Or at least a legal assistant. A lot of times I feel like I dress like a woman leaving an abusive relationship. Yeah.

Like, there's a wildness to my choices. Keith is an incredible ball buster. He's the best. Oh, he's so funny. I auditioned at the Cellar. I remember I didn't even know him, and he was just like, look at him. Look how scared he is. And I was like, what the fuck is wrong with this guy? Well, he cuts to the truth. Yeah, that's what he's good at. He just zones in on that bullseye. But it's never a mean truth. It's always like a truth that's really funny.

Right, right, right. It's really funny, but he's so smart about it, but it often will... I've had people ball bust where they're like, that joke sucks or whatever, and I'm just like, oh, it's not good. And they're like, I'm ball busting. I'm like, that's not ball... That's like an actual thing people would say. Right, that's an insult. It's like, you know. Mark does that, but he's worked on it.

It used to be that whenever I saw Mark, I was like, just get prepared to have your feelings violently hurt. I didn't know I was doing it. When you went to therapy for like a few months, you got a little gentler. Yeah, yeah. I was out of love, you know. I was like, hey, zing. I thought I was doing what Keith was doing. But I was calling people fat. Mark's like, you're pregnant. You're pregnant, you whore. They want him ball busting.

Yeah, but Keith will say something that like, you ever do this where you leave and nobody sees that? Like I had a huge zit and I've had like terrible acne my whole life and I'm like, nobody's thinking about it. You're the one who sees it. I get to the cellar and he's like, why is Rachel's zit blinking at me? Oh.

Rachel Zik keeps winking at me. God damn it. And I was like, fuck. Like, it just, I don't want to be outside anymore. Like, that's it. I wanted to just be buried under the ground. He's good. It was perfect. Quinn is the same way. They just know how to shit on you. I remember I showed up with a mustache once and Quinn was like, you know what really bugs me is you think this looks good. He just really was furious. They were all angry that I had a mustache. They hate it. That bugs me.

I remember one time DeRosa showed up with a brand new leather jacket. Big mistake. Disgusting. And Keith goes, oh, it looks like he bought your Attitude jacket. Oh. And DeRosa was like, he just took it off. I mean, he got him. You can't really take fashion risks at the comedy show. No.

If you roll in and you're, I mean, that's probably why we dress so conservatively. Because if you take a risk and you change, even if you change, any big change, anything noticeable. Yeah. If you go in, if I rolled in in a blazer, they're just like, what are you doing? Yeah, yeah. Who do you think you are? Oh, this is your blazer? Right. This is your corporate act?

you're going to do tonight. Yes, yes, exactly. But do you guys have the thing where you're at The Gap or H&M and you're putting things on? I just hear people going, what are you, crazy? You can't pull that off. You suck. You can't wear that. So I just, I don't buy it.

Do you have that in the dressing room or is that just me? Yes, I have it in my mind all day. All day. All day. It's just, bitch, who do you think you are? Yeah. You're a fool and everyone knows your number. Everyone knows you're full of shit. And also, and it happens to us. So whatever self-esteem we might have developed has been beaten out, I feel like, from just what we've done to our psyches by going into stand-up. Yeah.

just the nature of the career alone. I feel like, what would I have been like had I not done this to my mind and like starting at my early 20s? We'd be much happier probably if we didn't do stand-up. I mean like, You'd be a sculptor.

We would be happier, but we wouldn't have as much fun. You know what I mean? That's true. I feel like we would be more at peace, but we just have the most fun. Everyone's depressed, I think. Everyone's got shit. Even people that are like, things are going great. You don't see them when they come down from that. There's a come down from that, too. Good point. I did realize that during COVID. You're right. That everybody is sizzling with mental illness.

Oh my God. Oh yeah. You just scroll on Twitter and you're like, oh good, nobody is healthy. Good. Right. Yeah. That's true. But at least hurt yourself. I like when people hurt themselves. Like I love a cutter. That's a great. You know? Wait a second. Why do you like this? What the fuck are you talking about? Because at least with a cutter, you're like, I'm going through shit. Cut me. But other people try to cut you. Well, you love a cutter as opposed to a mass shooter, but don't say you love a cutter. What the fuck are you talking about? Well, I think a cutter is a good person. I love when someone kills himself. That's great. Oh, I don't want to kill you. No,

I don't want anybody to die, but I'm saying if you're going to do a little harm to your arm. Do not encourage cutting, Mark. I know, but that's what's nice about Mark is he can't hear his words. I'm being funny. I'm joking. This is a joke. You guys don't realize I'm joking. No, we do. We're trying to improv. Oh, all right. I don't think people know I'm joking all the time. Okay, well, you're joking, and we're trying to fucking yes and you by being, you know. But yeah, I don't want anybody to cut themselves. No, you are. I do.

When you say outrageous, I have to go voice of reason. That's what comedy is. I have to explain what I'm doing? All right, well, I just didn't know if you actually knew. No, you don't want people to harm themselves. You're a comedian? Yeah, I fucking know you. All right, just checking. I've known you for how long? This is a comment section. Sorry, what were you going to say, Rach? I cut you off there. The comment section is going to be like, Mark and Sam wore that? I know, right? I'm waiting for it. I mean...

I think... I do think that... I have nothing to say, actually. Oh, come on. Look at that. Give her another one. She'll spill the beans in two seconds. I was going to try to whip something up. It's so funny. I'm at the doctor this morning getting injections in my neck. Mm-hmm.

Crazy. Because my neck is fucked. And the doctor's like, all right, no alcohol. And I was like, oh, I have a drinking podcast. And he was like, what? We have a podcast where we drink. I have to have at least one. And he was like, all right, you can have one. Now, do you get a note with the doctor? Because I feel like this could get you out of- For you to tell me. Well, you could get out of oral. I just show Mark, and it says I can't drink today. And you're like, all right, I guess. Right. Yeah.

What do you mean a note? Well, you know, people say I have a doctor's note, but I've never actually seen a doctor's note. But what would I use it for? I want to do my job. I know. I was making a joke. If you want to get out of eating a girl out. My neck. My neck. It feels like a curb episode. I got the neck thing. I can't be in that position. You can blow me, though.

You guys, I just thought about how greasy I must look when I'm putting on powder. Take in the sadness of that. No grease. You look fine. What are you talking about? No grease. You're smart. You're funny. You're just a little insecure. People like you. There's no mirror here. Al Franken. Yeah. He's at the cellar now. Somebody called me greasy in a video, and I was like, I am greasy. I'm a greasy ass bitch. What does greasy even mean? I know. It's a temporary state. Greasy is good. I had one where I was sweating, and somebody goes, he's so shiny. And I was like, ah.

Was that the time you had food poisoning, though? Yeah, that was bad. Are you serious? Mark taped his Comedy Central half hour. He had food poisoning, so he was sweating his ass off. Pull up a photo. I look like a different person. Whoever did the makeup for those half hours made us all orange for some reason. I know. Pull up a picture of me, Samuel, half hour if you can. I look orange, dude. We look like the real housewives. It's way overdone. It's a half hour special, Matt, for both of us. We all look orange. Someone just posted one.

Yeah, there it is. The first one, the blue. The first one. Look how orange I am. Oh, yeah. Orange, you glad you're not Sam? Let's see Mark. Pulled mine a half hour special. I had H. pylori. It wasn't even food poisoning. It was a virus. Oh, my God. Look at that. Look how fat and bloated I was. You look different. I took an antibiotic. I went back down in one day.

Look at me. I look like fucking John Panette. You don't look fat or bloated. You look handsome, actually. Oh, get out. Look at that one. Look at me. I'm like a fucking jack-o'-lantern. Jesus Christ. You look surprised there. You look like you're taking a shit and someone opened the stall. I was actually shitting down my pants like I had the bubbles in the back. Really? It was diarrhea all day long. Bubbles. This virus is called H. pylori. It was a nightmare. You get it from eating feces. Yeah. What is it? You get it from ingesting feces.

I ate a gal's back door in Wisconsin. Did you? No. Yeah, which sounds like a country song. Stars. Yeah, yeah. I'll send you the video. I love that beard. Video of what? I'm joking. There's no video. I believed you.

I need content. Backdoor. Which city in Wisconsin? Madison. I was newly singled. I went on a tear. Yeah. And I was like. So did she. Yeah. And I learned about ass eating. That was new then. You know, it was hot. That was new then. That was trending. Yeah. Ludicrous thing to say. Hashtag eating ass. I learned about ass eating. That was what it was getting its start. Exactly. Ass eating.

Ass eating has been around since the early 1900s. I don't know. I'd never heard of it in the 80s. Oh, your great-grandfather was one of the finest ass eaters. Winston Churchill. Brown M&M. Mark Norman Sr. One of the finest butthole lickers of all. Where's that Ken Burns? The ass eating history. Just a slow zoom out.

He always liked to lick a butt. Soft jazz. Guys on a porch with a rocking chair. Back in my day. In my day. Let's go to a caller. Do you have any pet peeves, Rachel? Tammy from Des Moines, you have something you want to say to Sam? We do peeves on this podcast. We do our complaints. It's kind of like our kvetching. Yes. Any peeves this week? What grinds your gears? I have many.

uh first of all uh wait can i look at my phone because i just wrote down one of my peeves i have some complaints about my husband for he's like oh all right babe if you're watching this you better watch out because he wouldn't watch it that's the saddest part he would never have even do you want i don't want my significant other to watch me on you know speaking of peeves my husband will like um

Like, I don't care that he's not, like, particularly enthralled with my stand-up, but he'll lay in bed next to me and laugh, like, wildly at something on College Humor. You want to see my special at any point? Like, that's how it's done. And every one of my boyfriends has been like this. Like, there was a time where I did, like, a commercial...

And I was thinking like, I'm taping this commercial in LA and he'd never been to LA before. So I'm thinking like, what is he thinking now? I had the most narcissistic thought. I'm like, as I'm shooting this, is he gazing over like intrigued by my life? And he's like, he walked to me over to me slowly. You know when you kind of open your body language up to be complimented? Oh, yeah. He was like, the pool's only open for another hour. Can I go back to the hotel? Yeah.

That just like sums up how deeply underwhelmed he is. Like I, I'll be like, my special was like airing that day. And he's just like, you gotta love this guy. I mean, that's how it's done. And he'll,

I dated one guy that he loved that movie with The Rock and his niece. Oh, what's it called again? It was like Hulk Hogan did a version of it, Mr. Nanny. Oh, yeah. Remember when Hulk Hogan was like a leading actor? Oh, yeah. That was a bad time. I watched all those shitty movies. He would be like, he loved when...

When big people and little people hung out together, he'd be like, come on, he's so big. He kept re-pitching it to me like I didn't understand the concept. He's like, he's so big and she's so tiny. I mean, you do the math. I'm like, I got it. I got it. But it's great. He's like a big dude. He's like doing stuff with his little tiny. I'm like, I understand. Has he seen the movie Twins? We've got to show him that. They did a sequel to that show. Really? Junior.

Oh, right. Right. I forgot about that. That was some trans stuff. Danny DeVito, though, dude. I mean, that guy fucking- Oh, he's great. I watch It's Always Sunny so much. That's my comfort show on the road. You ever watch It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia? I do like that show. It's a really funny show. There's something about it, though. When my partner, when I date someone, I don't need her to love my act. I just need- You need that occasional- Compliment. Oh, that was funny. Compliment.

I did a comic, so a lot of the time, like, comics don't laugh at jokes. Like, I'll tell you, she's like, oh, what's your, any new stuff I told her when she's just like, oh, yeah, that's good. And it's like, it's weird to just get that. Yeah. But that's how I am, too. That's how comics react to like a big. Yes, it's true. Even when you think it's hilarious, you just think about it. You think about how good it is. You're analyzing it. What makes me laugh out loud is like,

It's like, you know. Silly shit. Like a silly, yeah. Yeah, silly stuff. Something outrageous. I will say, as I like insult the fact that he loves movies about big men and tiny women, that I love like the dumbest tropes will make me laugh more than anything in the world. Like I love it when somebody's told to leave someplace and comes back in again. No.

It's always funny to me. Like when somebody's like told seriously to leave a party, they're like, you're out of here. Get out of here. Then they come back in a different outfit. Always funny to me. Really? Somebody's sneaking back in. It's like, you know, like in like,

In like trading places, like those old comedy movies where they're like told to leave a fancy party and then you come back in a fun loving hat. Always funny to me. I also like it when couples insult each other. Like they're married, but they're like, you're dumb. That's why. Oh, you love that. Because you're stupid. I like it because you've made the decision to marry somebody. And it's very funny to me that you just turn around and you're like, because you're an idiot. Because your brain can't hold a lot. That's why.

Yeah. That's one of my favorite scenes ever is in Back to School when Rodney's wife is leaving him. You know, he's divorcing her. He just caught her with someone else and he just hands her... She goes, I want a divorce. And he goes, I knew we had something in common. He takes the papers out of his jacket. He goes, sign here. She goes, oh, you're not getting out of this...

out of it this easy. And he just takes it, he goes, oh, you want to talk about class? Because he goes, you got no class. He goes, you're right, I married you, didn't I? He goes, you want to talk about class? Here's you with this guy. Here's you with this guy. Here's you, here's this guy. But what's with the midget? What's the whole thing?

It's like Rodney just zinging her. Yeah. And she cheats on him so he's just licensed to say fucking anything. Right, right. Yes. I love that he's like, we need a button on this. Midget. She goes, you're impossible. He goes, oh yeah? And you're easy. Ha ha ha.

I actually just heard those specific jokes because my husband, my father-in-law, every time I go over to his house, he's like, you know what you should do? You should do that Rodney Dangerfield. His suggestion is always that I steal Rodney Dangerfield's act. He's like, that's what you should do. And then he plays it really loud, like at an alarming level.

Like just 15. And he's like, that's what you go on there. And you don't. He's like, that's comedy. Like he just wants me to literally steal Rodney Dangerfield's entire act and just go on stage and deliver it. It's fascinating. And he goes, and remember, take pauses. You got to take pauses. Sheath review giveaway, baby. Sheath underwear. We might be drunk or working together to give you the comfort of the most comfortable and best looking underwear in the market. It really is both. Am I wearing it right now too? Yeah.

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So good. He says that to me every time he sees me. He's always like, apparently they say you're a comedian. Like he still doesn't buy the rumors. That's what I do for a living. But that's why we like Rodney because that's our ultimate fantasy is to be in a horrible situation like that and always have a zinger. Yes, you're right. That's all it is. He likes people like Heckler videos, I think. Because they're living vicariously to you. Like that's their boss. That's the person. There's justice in that moment. Something about Rodney that's so comforting. You're right because that's also what all,

that's what I spend most of my time doing is over like replaying small social exchanges like some people are afraid of death like I don't death bring it on I care if people are mad at me that's all a jerk store called they're running out of you yeah I worry so much more if I've rubbed someone the wrong way than if I die just like a violent gangrenous death same I think about it so much so many flights I was on a flight the other day that was like it felt like the engine stopped going I was like oh we're gonna die it was like one of those moments you always look at the

At the flight attendant to see how she's doing. Yes, me too. And she was okay. And that was the only thing I was like, oh God, thank God. Yeah. But then also part of me is like, well, maybe she's just okay with death. Right. Right.

Maybe she's like, if this goes down, shit's been bad. Like, I'm a flight attendant during a pandemic. People are assholes. Bring it on. I kind of have no sympathy. I was sitting next to a lady the other night on a flight, and she was like, oh, God. She had like a thick southern accent. She was like a cute kind of southern hayseed lady, you know, like, it's my first time flying. You know, I was like, oh, it'll be fine. It'll be fine. She's like, I'm so scared. I'm so scared. And she said a prayer and all that. It was endearing, but you're also like, come on.

What are you doing? Shut up. The plane's going down. You're like, shut up, you hick. You fucking hillbilly. Eat a pretzel. Oh, man, there is a part of me, I'm on the flight, you know, and they do, oh, someone's got a peanut allergy, so we're not serving peanuts today. I wasn't even planning on eating peanuts, but there's a party that's like, fuck him. Yeah, fuck him. Right, right. That's true. I could have had peanuts. I know. I wasn't planning on it. Also, why announce it to us? Just don't give us a fucking clue.

I bring nuts on the plane with me. I could just still belt them out. Oh, good point. Here's the other thing. Good point. I only want the peanuts now that I know I can't have them. Hey, you want what you can't have. Yeah. It's true. Before, you're like, peanuts, fuck this shit. Fuck peanuts. They're still serving this shit? Yeah. I can't have them. I can't have a fucking salty snack? I still hate Biscoff. I know we fight about this. Biscoff is fucking class. Stinks. Stinks.

I associate it with being hungover on a 7 a.m. flight out of Denver. Well, it's your fault for taking a 7 a.m. flight. Well, I want to get home. Yeah, well, the time changed. I kind of agree with both of you. There's a sadness to a Biscoff cookie. There is. And its packaging, but yet it's still a cookie, so I'll slam it in my face. You ever dip it in a coffee? It's really good. It's a good coffee dunk. I eat it, but I agree there's a low-grade depression to a Biscoff. Yes, and it's this packaging that's obviously cheap, and the cookie's cheap, but they try to make it seem...

and Bisk off. You know, it almost seems kind of hoity-toity and it comes in this dumb wrapper and I'm like, I know, I can see through you, Bisk. You're full of shit. You're a phony cookie. Eh, whatever. I like a bit. You're not a shortbread. Yeah, the cookie's sad. You know what else? Taking a fucking flight back from Springfield, Missouri. That's sad. Yes. So you know what? Embrace the sad. Have a cookie. Treat yourself. There's nothing like a connecting flight. Disgusting. God.

The night after I taped my first half hour special, I flew to do some, some like gig in the middle of nowhere. I was wildly lonely, just pulsing with loneliness. I was so aggressively single. And I go do this gig. Aggressively single. That was like when I was, remember when I was like hanging out at steakhouses because I heard men hang out at steakhouses. Yeah.

It was a really dark time for me. I was just like leering at strangers and steakhouse. I love a steakhouse. That shows your clientele, though. I just went to St. Elmo's in Indianapolis. Holy shit. Good? I like a steakhouse, too. It's where Nick Offerman always talks about on Parks and Rec. Oh, really? His character? Yeah. That's St. Elmo's Indianapolis Steakhouse. Fuck. What am I missing? I don't love a steakhouse. No, there really wasn't much I was going towards, but I do feel like there's something about

a men like group together, uh, ignoring me that I find after. Yeah. It's like, just like guys at a work party that has nothing to do with me. I've just, and I'm just sitting there leering at like, just,

Yeah, it really feels... If you're going to be ignored, you want it to be at least the caliber of a guy who's got like a shrimp cocktail and a tie on. But I don't believe that they're ignoring you. I'm sure guys hit on you. Well, I think it's alarming when you're sitting at a bar and kind of leering at strangers. It's like if they have a red flag. What are you, throwing a cocktail dress and sit at the bar kind of thing? There was a while where I was like openly telling people this and one of my friends was like...

not okay i think that's fine i think it's like if you guys want to hang i'll be at keene's later and she's like too many times you're always up you're gonna pick up a real old like a rich guy like a tycoon over there it's funny that you say that because i was hit on by a guy that was really close to death and i was sitting at the bar my friend was with me it's it's good

to bring like a wing person my friend is like hello uh sumner sumner redstone nice to meet you would you like to control my oxygen tank for the next few hours it's like wait a minute rachel the sculptor and he had the best line too it was like the line i'd been waiting for my whole life i can't wait let's hear it dumb but it was so funny there was like this big painting up above the bar in keen steakhouse and it's like a big like soft dick looking like kind of rolling woman

And he was like, is that you? Are you? And it just made me laugh. He's like, I'm sorry to say this, but are you? And then I turn around like, whoever this is, he's going to be inside of me this evening. And he was like osteoporosis old. I love your liver spots. No, he was, yeah, like in his high 80s. So how was the sex?

It was good. He really punished me in this way that I didn't realize I needed to be punished. Right, right. He had his nurse do it. There was something about a steakhouse that found, like, any place that knows how to make a cocktail sounds like a fun place. It sounds like a naughty place. Yes. Oh, yeah. It's oozing with sexual vibes. And we were drunk, and the threesome I had with him and his home attendant last night was sick.

The Jamaican hospice lady. She's got one of those Tweety Bird scrubs. There's not enough hospice porn. Ah, Bamba Clats. That's true. There's not enough. I would say it's for the rest. I missed it. Shit. Oh, nothing. Oh, there needs to be more hospice porn. Yeah. Yes.

Because all the porn ends the same way. This will end it a little differently, right? You pull a plug. Nothing. Pull out. Nothing turns me on like a bedpan. I had, speaking of porn, I had porn on my phone one time and I was at a nail salon on the Upper East Side. I was like nannying and I got off and I go to the nail salon, packed Upper East Side nail salon. The porn somehow opens on my phone and starts blasting like wildly, aggressively. It was like, ah!

Thank you. Like me pussy. Like me pussy. And I was like, ah, God. My hands were in the dryer. I was like, ah. Oh, my God. Hands in the dryer. Everyone heard it. Everybody was just like so disturbed. Yes. It happened to me on a flight once. Really? But I was able to X out like right when it started. There was like kids on the plane. I know. Ooh.

But I'm like, you know what? I've listened to your fucking crime. Maybe you have to listen to my shit. Yeah, good point. You have that, so it opened up and played like that? Yeah. Yeah, you just open the window, it goes right where it left off. I know. And it was a long time ago, but it was like, oh, this is embarrassing. You gotta up those windows, you know, when you're done. I know. I'm gonna learn some stuff from you. I need to learn from you. Yeah. I need to talk to somebody that's been lying for the last 20 years. Yeah.

Get some good hard tips. Might be hard for you with the wet fingers, though. Whatever Norman's done will keep me safe for a long time. You got it. We do a Patreon. Mark and I will walk you through it. Yes. So what's your go-to? Because I know the ladies don't love the porn. Like, my gal is a fucking animal in the sack. She's filthy. She does things I've never seen before. But you put a porn on and she's like...

Oh, that's horrible. She doesn't want to watch with you, you mean. Just doesn't like it. At all. She never watches even alone. Hates it. When she rubs one out, she doesn't use it. She's not a fan. Damn. Do you like it? Is there a type? Yeah. What's your go-to? I mean, I don't watch that much. And when I do, I'm sure it's like...

the beginning of the trail of filth that you guys have gone through. Especially Mark. We like the end. It gets worse. Yeah, I think we like the beginning. I just watch like a moment. Whenever I'm watching, I cut to 14 minutes in. Same. A lot of scrolling. It's like Saving Private Ryan. The first 25 minutes, I don't want to see. Right. I want to see the real shit. Yeah. It's like M. Night Shyamalan. Let's see the twist. Yes. It's a man. Fuck. Some of them are very funny. He's been dead the whole time.

One of my porn is watching the crying game. Sorry. One of the first porns I ever saw was called, uh, I believe it was something called, I think it was the horn or blind sister, but it was hilarious. It was like this, this woman has, I don't know if that's the actual name, but that's the, that's what happens in the porn. Um,

and uh okay basically blindfolded sister doesn't realize that it's her brother's god what fun this is great no it's it's basically what is there a script for that is there like a porno guy being like i need a twist right

Yeah, basically they have some sort of just filthy, unacceptable, exhausting sex, him and the first girl. And then she's like, listen, I got to head to work. Doesn't even rinse herself. Just like puts her hair up in a bun to go teach at the local elementary school. And then she's like, listen, if you happen to catch my sister, just so you know, she might need some help around the house.

This is how much porn there is. It's that like you put in a movie plot, the movie comes up. Oh yeah. You put in a porn synopsis, you're getting like 80 and you're like, it's not that one. Yeah. We got like 10 blind porns cooking when you pulled that up. I'd like to know what happens with the seeing eye dog. What's going on there? Is that, is that a helping? That's doing it again. Oh my goodness. Oh my stars. I mean, shit. That's like, what is that there?

The horn of blinds. Is that just Larry David? Oh, it looks like a Larry David, Andy Warhol kind of thing. Oh, it's Larry David, yeah. I'd put that on my wall. I feel like this is a dangerous Google. Yeah, you got that right. All right. There's that CNI dog episode. That must be what it is. Oh, that's right. That's right. Yeah. You sent me years ago, you were telling me about how you like couples that ball bust, and you told me about, what's his name? Oh, God, geez, why am I blanking on this guy's name? Mm-hmm.

The guy, Cool Hand Luke. Oh, Paul Newman. Paul Newman. I love Paul Newman. And the wife. Joanne Woodward. Joanne Woodward. Yeah, they're amazing. They're so fun together. If you look up old interviews of them, they're so hilarious with each other. Yeah. And just the way he laughs at her. She would ball bust him a lot. Ball bust him a lot. And you could tell he just loved it. And there was this famous quote about Paul Newman. Yeah.

Yes. He said, somebody asked him about like why him and Joanne Woodward's marriage lasted so many years because he was married to her for, I don't know what it was, like 20, 30, like their whole, most of their lives. And he said, why go out for, what?

Hamburgers when you have steak at home. And it was like this famous quote and they asked her about it. She's like, it was disgusting. It was awful. She was like, I told him to stop comparing me to meat. But they were like, oh, there's an infamous, impressive quote. She's like, yeah, it's not okay. What?

And he was laughing so hard because this quote that everybody had been like, if only my husband would say that about me. Right. Rachel adapted that to why stay home for burgers when you go to a steakhouse. Look at the guy. It's just cool that he's the hottest guy in the world. He's the coolest guy. In the fucking world. And she's like zinging him all day long. And he loved it. And you could tell that he loved it. Yeah. And then he...

Because no one did it, probably. Because nobody did it. Yeah. And they both told the story of how they met. And he was like, I came in. I had this seersucker suit. And I was meeting up with my agent. And she walked in. And she was like, oh, his suit was so ridiculous. And he's laughing so hard. She's like, he came in in this absurd outfit. And you could tell he just loves it. He loves that she just gives him wild amounts of shit. Yeah. That's underrated flirting is a little bit of...

Yeah, just the right amount. Yeah, people overdo it with comics, but it does. Yeah. But there's like a level of I will say that's the fun thing about like and I have many a complaint about my husband, but being married to a firefighter because like I give him so much shit and he truly loves it. He's really cool about that. He likes it. He doesn't kiss firemen. Don't give a shit about that kind of stuff. Like now, like we'll have sex and afterwards I'll be like, you really stuck it up that time.

That was unacceptable. And he'll laugh so hard. He'll be like, I did, right? Like, I gave way too much. And he just likes it. Like, he doesn't care at all. Yeah. He is awesome about it. I've seen you shit on him and he takes it and it's like...

It's playful. I mean, there's a skill to ball busting the right way. And that's why, like, you appreciate it. You're like, oh, they put thought into this. Yeah. And firefighters are a lot like comedians in the way that, like, you know, you walk up to the comedy table at the cellar. Like, a normal person, a civilian, as we would call them, walks up. And we're just, like, rolling their eyes. Like, oh, some guy brought his girlfriend over. And we have to speak with her. Yeah. Or some female comic brought her boyfriend over. And now we have to engage. My issue is when they don't want to hang out with her. So they bring her over. And then they go to the bathroom. Yeah.

Now I'm babysitting the date they don't want to be on. Right. Oh my God. So where are you from?

Okay. Yeah. I can see why you left. I just realized how many times that's happened to me. Oh my God. They do do that. I'm literally catching up with friends. I haven't seen with weeks and the, and the, and some comical drag over a date that they don't want to. Oh yeah. It's when you're like, so have you seen the blind whore? I don't know what to say. The part with the dog is, is fascinating, but the rest wasn't for me. Right. I did that when I was roommates with Shirad because he would, he would invite girls over and, um,

And it was a railroad, right? You lived in a railroad apartment. Yes, we lived in a railroad apartment. I feel like he would use me. I feel like this is a New York thing. I feel like if you're not from New York, you don't know this. Long shotgun. Yeah, so it's like to go to,

Who lived in the back and who lived in the front? He lived in the back, then the kitchen was in between, and then the bathroom was through my room. So you had to walk through my room to get to the bathroom. So to use the bathroom in the middle of the night. It was like an old law tenement. We lived in active squalor. We'd been doing stand-up for like a year. Wow. And he would get just like wild amounts of ass. And he would bring these women over, and he would try to use me as part of the oiling process to get them to trust him. I would try to look at them like through eye contact and be like, you're making a terrible mistake.

This is a violently bad idea. But he would like make me have basically have this quick small talk with them so that he could be like, look, female roommate. Why not have me inside? No.

You're making a terrible mistake. You're the ultimate wing woman, though. Yeah. I feel like, remember when we tried to do that? Because me and Sam were both single, and I was like, and you can wing me, and I'll wing you. And Sam went out with me, and it was just really alarming. When I came with you, it worked like a charm. But then when you came with me, and I'm like, and you talk to guys, and then I'll talk to them. Because I'm too shy to actively speak to a stranger. Some guy talked to Rachel, and I'm just hammered like, you like her? Yeah.

It was a disaster. You'd be like, yeah, so the Knicks. And they were just like, what are you guys trying to do to me? And the guys would run. Yeah, it was. They weren't okay. We used to go to that bar Swift all the time and order it. It's funny. We'd like go out, like meet people. Then we would just like sit at the bar and eat artichoke pizza and get drunk.

Yeah. Does it always backfire? It shows how hard it was before apps and internet. You had to really be vulnerable and put yourself out there, get drunk, and sit at a bar. Oh, my God. Back in the day, you would walk up like, hey. Yeah. I guess people still do that, but it's different now. It's different, yeah. Especially with younger people, I imagine. It's a new world. Oh, they won't know. Young people won't know what it's like to have to approach someone. It's tough. I guess maybe when they're in sixth grade, you probably have to learn it, but like-

When you're an adult or a teenager even, I guess there's no Tinder for 13-year-olds, but there might be. Yeah, yeah. I will say those are the two moments that I don't envy being a man at all. Really? Moments where I see when men have to hit on somebody, I'm like, oh my God, that's enough for me to want out. And the moment where a man meets another man for the first time that he doesn't know at all, there's this weird aggression. I'm like, I want no part of that. They'll be like, let's go, buddy. They give a free hit in the back like,

good everything's okay like i'm like not all of that would happen i'll happily take all kinds of wild unacceptable nonsense just not have to meet be a man meeting another man for the first time that is weird but the lady meeting is gonna be weird too like the two pretty girls meeting there's some real like i like it thanks yeah you're right i love your dress yeah and you're like oh boy yes i hate each other that's true that is a loaded moment as well but there's something about when guys meet that it's

frightening yeah it's like planet earth like you feel like some of them want to be like so much you bench and you're like oh yes exactly it's always like sizing each other up yeah yes what are you six one six two yeah

That's a thing. That is a moment. That's why it's nice to be tall because you guys are just like, oh, yeah, I'm taller than you. Yeah, yeah. Six one. How much do you pull in financially every year? Yeah. Yeah? Where do you live? It's just like, well, you're like, oh, Jesus. I know. That happens a lot. You're right. Men are fucking, there is an energy. It's primal. Especially the bar ones. It's mostly younger men.

It's mostly like- Really? I think so. Or Long Island. What do you mean? I think it's like when you're young, there's that insecurity. But also, yeah, Long Island energy, like the Long Island meathead. Terrifying. I mean, I have a bit about it, but like when firefighters meet each other, like there's- Oh, yeah. There's something about that New York type of like, things are good. Everything's okay. Things are good. Beautiful. Tell you what, at the end of the day, it's about family. Ah.

I always say how they always sound like they're about to admit something they can't hold anyone beautiful little kid goes by fist all right goes by real fist the couple of first wives I am you know like there's always I ran over a kid

Sorry. Yeah, no, they can drink. I mean, those are like dudes. Oh, yes. At my wedding, there was just like... Oh, that was hilarious. Oh, my God. I mean, wildly drunk firefighters. I thought it was like comics drink. Then I saw the firemen. I'm like, oh, firemen. Because a lot of comics are sober. Yeah. Yes. And a lot of firemen need a beer. Yeah.

Yeah, no, it's a whole other thing. I mean, they're like... I wonder if they've been drunk in the bell rings. Like, has that ever happened? No, they can't be drunk at work anymore, but they like to tell fond stories. Yeah, they do. They tell fond stories about like back in the 70s when they were absolutely loaded. I called a fire truck 40 minutes ago. They're like, yeah, we wrapped it around a pole. Yeah, we're at Wendy's. We're at the drive-thru. You want anything? We'll bring it to you.

Pete's firefighter buddies called me like hammered once. And meanwhile, Pete is his captain, right? So he's his boss. So cool to say I'm a captain. I know. I know. So manly. I put his hat on right after sex all the time. Really? Like a salute, please. Respect the rank. That's pretty hot. Make a girl with a fireman hat on. That's pretty great.

But I actually put his whole uniform on once, but he's so anal, like neat, that I was like, oh, I'll put a uniform on and do like some sort of whore jig. The fact that I called it whore jig, I'm aware is not arousing. But I came in, he's like, no, do the other one. Do the other one because that's the one I need to wear tomorrow. I'm like, you're great. It's not going to work anymore. Don't make me break out the iron just to fuck you here. Come on. Right, right. That's great. But when he was promoted to captain, they did like a special ceremony. There's like a captain ceremony. You guys...

there's so much fucking material in these places. So we go to this big auditorium and each firehouse that knows that guy's about to be promoted. They have a big sign like Peter Brennan, you know, 118, Lata 118. And then Pete was like, listen, when you arrive at the stadium or whatever, where he's being promoted, there's a guy with a bullhorn. It's like guys upstairs, you know who you are. Shut up.

All right. Show some respect. Okay. I mean, it's an incredible scene. And so when I get there, he's like, listen, when you arrive at the place, because Pete was sitting down like at the front, he's like a couple of my guys are going to like, you know, walk you up. I gave him your number, you know, and they all, all their names are like, he has them in his phone. It's like Jew Steve or something. White Dan and Jew Steve in the lobby and they'll walk you up or whatever. And then he was like, and like, you know, drunk.

or something. I'm trying to change the name. Holocaust and INC. 9-11 was an inside job. Bobby. That's a long name. So I meet the guy

a guy in the lobby and I'm like already it's like a it is like the beginning of a porn like my friend will take care of you or maybe just a part of my own mind but so he's like the guys will watch you like they'll take care of you during the ceremony and then I'll meet you after so then I meet these guys and we chat we're hanging out they're really fun you know animals like myself we had a great time then afterwards we go to this bar we have a few drinks and then we go home and then it like

We hadn't been living together or had – I don't think we'd had sex yet. So I go back to my apartment and then at 4 in the morning, there's like seven missed calls from the guy who was supposed to meet me in the lobby of the promotion ceremony. Oh. Or the guy that I did meet there. And I listen to the messages and he's like, listen. Incredible. The first one is like, I'm just here to pick you up. Message seven. You fucking bitch. Yeah.

You fucking lied to me. If your house ever catches on fire, we're not coming. They did get more and more problematic. The first one was like, listen, I respect Pete.

I respect that he's gonna be a cap and all that fucking shit whatever and he's like but I'm going fucking rescue I'm going blue that's what they call like the special ops firefighters they say going rescue those are the guys that have like cranes and go into like the river and shit it's pretty amazing he's like he's gonna be a cap whatever I'm gonna be fucking blue I would love to have little blue babies with you ah damn

Wow. And he's like, fuck it. It's so fucking brave, man. It really is like, it's insane. It is insane. It's crazy. They get a pass for drinking that much because of how brave it is. No, that's why they drink, because all this shit they see. They've seen so much. They see some serious stuff. Right. And they go into fires, and they love going to fires. And if he doesn't go to a fire, he gets upset that he missed it. Really? They hate missing fires. Wow. And they complain about the guys that got their job. Wow.

I'd be like, fucking 240. They catch all the good fucking fires. And a fucking beautiful fire in a high rise. Should have been us. Damn. It must be a rush. I mean, as dangerous as it is. It's very similar besides the hero part because we're narcissists. But there's a lot of weird similarities with comics. Like, they're adrenaline junkies and they love their jobs. I think that's the reason that he's- I've seen their bodies. It's not that similar. Yeah.

They've got biceps and they can lift weights. Yeah, that's true. I mean, we're complete. Yeah, we're. But they have a lot, just like us, they have a lot of downtime. They're eating chili. They're playing foosball. I love the chili part looks fun. I love it. The downtime of any job looks fun. Like I look at the mob. I'm like, what are you?

just at like a fucking cookout. That looks great. Then they got to murder people and, you know, intimidate. Sure. You know, the part of the fire department where it just looked fun. I know. You're just making me. I love making chili. It's my favorite thing to make. They all cook. Firefighters all cook. And that's when you walk into the firehouse, you feel that same feeling as somebody must walk.

feel when they walk up to the comedy cellar table. It's just like the chemicals change in the room. Like you change the chemicals because you're coming. But I do feel like they like comedians fire. Yeah, for sure. And once they know I'm a comic, like they don't see me as quite as the same as like they get a kick out of standups.

but, um, they came to a lot of our shows when we're doing those. They always come out to my shows now. So one week you weren't there, there was some firemen there and they were so cool. And they were, uh, we were chatting afterwards. They were just cracking me up. One of them was just like, yeah, I got fucking COVID. He goes, he goes, I was fucking sick. He shit for two weeks. It was fucking horrible. Oh,

He was just cracking. He was just making me laugh. Just his energy. Just there's something about some of their energies. That's like, so when you see shit like that, you give no fucks. Yes. And that's something it's refreshing. I think that's why I like firemen. Yeah. Don't give a shit. And for very different reasons than we don't give active heroes, but they don't, they don't give a fuck. Like they don't care about it. We don't give a fuck. Cause we're tired and we're phoning it. And half the time they don't give a fuck. Cause they could, they know they could die.

Absolutely. And they see, it's like nurses. You ever have nurses in the audience? They're always great crowds because they've seen people shitting themselves and blood splatters and all that shit. And it's like a full release for them. Yes. They need to laugh. Some people want to laugh. Some people need to laugh. Like they need to laugh. So totally. I did a gig

Me and like five open micers did a gig in deep Pennsylvania early on in comedy, and we all bombed. They were super nice, but we just sucked at comedy. The only laugh that I got was we did the show in front of all their uniforms and everything. We're hanging up with their names, you know, like Gonzalez, Johnson, whatever, with the helmet and everything. And I was like, oh, I'm bombing. I go, oh, Johnson. We all know he's gay. And they went...

That was the only laugh I got. They're all shaking Johnson like, he is gay. Oh, man. And then I bombed for another 20 minutes. It is amazing people who have been through shit like... I remember I did... It was me and Scott Chaplin years ago. I love Scott. We did a gig. He's a fun hang. Oh, he's the best. He's so funny. And we did a gig in Warwick, Delaware, whatever it is, Rhode Island, wherever the fuck it was. It was...

it was one of those places that probably Rhode Island. And it was in a movie theater. It was horrible. It was like a comedy zone back then in a movie theater. So Scott's like, is it okay if I don't watch your set? Grownups 2 is playing next door. And I'm like, all right, go ahead. Knock yourself out. So, you know, we go up and it's like,

All the crowds kind of sucked there. And then we did one show and they're like, it's bought out by a breast cancer benefit. And I have to tell you, it was all women who had breast cancer and they were the best crowd I've ever had. Wow. They just laughed at fucking everything. They were so cool. Yeah. And there's something about that shit when like Rachel's right. When you need it, it is. Well, the people who get upset about comedy are tend to be the most privileged kind of highfalutin people who can, who can sit there and analyze it and go, this bothered me. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

They're very protected. You're right. And there's like an elitism to what people get offended by. Totally. There's an absolute elitism because it's a privilege to be offended. That's a good point. There's a lot less room for those kinds of emotions in some people's lives. Right. Like I was asking my brother because he's a therapist at like an inner city school in D.C. And they have –

just dealt with insane amounts of adversity and poverty and a lot of the kids are just like immigrants who've dealt with insane levels of unacceptable violence and I'm like what do you what do you deal with like how do you deal with all the kids getting triggered by language and like this new culture he's like this doesn't happen to us

We use triggered for guns. He's like, I don't hear that word. I hear that word very rarely. They got real problems. Because you're dealing with like active violence and real emergencies and the immediacy of poverty and other things like that. Totally. Completely agree. I can't believe I'm drunk and I made that point somehow. No, that was good. You fucking stuck the landing on that. Is that one good? I want to try it. Can I try a sip of it? Taste that. I love a cucumber in a drink.

It's such a fine idea. I love a cucumber. Dude, you're killing this. What is that called? That's the cucumber rush. Ooh. Holy shit, dude. And what a voice, too, huh? I know. This guy's a hunk. Great voice. Dude, this is so good. I shouldn't just because I'm on the thing, but I, you know. A small one. All right. That's what I said. Give me a taste, all right?

Good cocktail. Really seems to good. But the funny thing is when that guy left me that long series of voicemail messages, he was like, you and me, little blue babies. Then he calls back. He's like, fuck Pete. Wow. I bet he's got a baby penis. Ah!

He's like, we're going to have two babies together. It's so funny that they'll literally go into fires together, but then they're like, yeah, I'll try to fuck your wife. I don't give a shit. The most fascinating thing, I play the whole thing for Pete. I'm like, well, your buddy, because he's so not jealous. I was like, he'll barely care about this. I play the entire thing. He's just dying laughing. And later on, couldn't give a shit. Later on, I'm like, did you ever even mention that to him? If somebody did that to my boyfriend, I might like,

At least give him shit about it. He's like, nah, I never did, you know? I totally get that. But I do feel like I always ask him, I'm always like, how long would I have to go missing before you would look for me? Because I feel like it would be like...

I don't think he would look for me immediately. He's always emptying the dishwasher. I'm like, you would empty the dishwasher before you would look for me, right? He's like, I might, I might. But also, I do feel like that is partly...

to the first responder thing. Like, it's like, whatever. He knows his friend's drunk, whatever. Like, when you deal with active emergencies to that extent, he's just like, nah, you know what I mean? Like, and I love to give him shit about that, but the other side of it is like, he's just not jealous. He's the only guy that's like fully accepted my career. You don't have room for that shit when you're dealing with him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's why we don't get offended about stuff either because we're like,

Oh, I didn't think I mattered. It's weird when somebody's like, that bothered me. I'm like, well, stuff bothers me all the time, but I just move on. When it comes to comedy, we're like into the BDSM. Totally. We're into the dark end. Yeah. That's our humor because we...

we went through open mics and we do, we find, we find dark shit funny so that when they like find like, can you believe a comedian made this joke or laughed at this? And it's like, fucking yeah. Right. That's where the people that would make that fucked up joke. Of course. Like Billy, you got my gender wrong. And I'm like, Oh, Oh, sorry. But if you got my gender wrong, I'd be like, Oh yeah, I'm a guy. Like I wouldn't think twice about it. You know, if I was on the phone, they're like, is this a woman? I'd be like, yeah, whatever. You know, that wouldn't bother me, but it's a thing now.

Yeah. Everything's good. Everything's fine, man. Shit. I mean, no, it's like, I really feel that way. We talked about it last week, but like, you hear about how fucking divided we are, and then you just go outside. Yes. It looks all right to me. Sun is shining. Well, I will say this. People are always like, like, every time I... I got into an Uber the other day, and the driver was like, what do you think about this? People are getting offended by everything, huh? What do you think about that as a, like...

He asked me what I did for a living and I made the mistake of telling him I was a comic. And he's like, he's like, that's ridiculous, huh? And I'm like, yeah, no, it is. And then he's like,

And then they put, you know what they put in this vaccine? I'm like, how did I co-sign this? That's the problem. It always goes there. He's like, I'll tell you what they got in there. He's like, I'll tell you what they got in chip to control your brain. I'm like, wow, that is the fucking, that's the door to that next statement. Like he was just sure that I was going to co-sign. What if somebody just activated my brain? I was like, kill Uber driver. Kill Uber. Right. But I do feel like if you actually go out to crowds and when you're on the road,

It hasn't changed that much. No, life is pretty good. And you talk to people and you're like, most people are fucking cool. Yeah. There's like a blogger that's going to get misunderstand something I've said. Sure. But I feel like when you actually go out, there's just people that... They're working too hard for this shit. I know. It's like what you guys were saying about privilege. I do think that people who are working super hard, when you go on the road, they don't have time to give a shit. They kind of roll their eyes at it and...

yeah everything's fine people have kids they have jobs they commute yeah exactly kids like you have three kids you think you're fucking tweeting about a comedy special being offensive you're wiping shit exactly oh your mom is sick there's always something going on you know you got a mortgage yeah i feel like most people that have like multiple kids are like they're already active alcoholics i feel like a lot of my friends that have a lot of kids that's how you have that many kids you

just start drinking heavily. My parents were. I was thinking of Tom Papa's bit, how he used to drink at like bars, now he drinks over the sink because of his kids. Oh, that's great. Over the sink, that's hysterical. It's so funny. The sink is funny. What does he say? That's so funny. He has one of my favorite jokes. He's like, man, Tom Papa, you got three kids, you got a wife at home. Man, oh man, what's the hardest part about doing the road? He's like, well, the hardest part is not whistling while I pack. I

I love that bit. I mean, that is pitch perfect comedy. Yeah, he's a great comic. I'm shoddy again. Oh, no, you're not. We're all doing great. You're drunk? That's the point of the pod. We come on, we have a few cocktails, we live a little. Cheap date, huh? I'll tell you. How do you hang with Pete? I mean, do you just sit and watch him

down 12 Bud Light? He doesn't drink. A lot of firefighters don't drink. Because they can't. It's just like a lot they see on the job. I've only seen him drinking. No, he stopped drinking a while ago and he'd be more likely to...

to smoke pot or something. Oh, that's the move now. Yeah. Everybody's going to pot. I'm not a big pot guy. I'm not either. Me neither. It accentuates every quality I've been trying to erase. Exactly. We're very similar, the three of us. That's exactly what it does to me. I think that's part of the reason we're all kind of close is because we've all, we all are like hanging at the bar to drink people and we have been since I've known both of you. Right.

Yeah, booze settles the mean shit. Weed brings it up for me. Me too. I start to get people don't like me and they want me to leave. Alcohol, I don't care if they don't like me. I'm like, fuck you. Exactly. It softens the voices. Stuck a piece of shit. Yeah, I feel like especially I feel like neurotic Jews and I feel like you are one at heart with us. You really are. I'll take it. Yes. I mean, I feel like those are the qualities we've been trying to iron out. That's what drinking does for us.

Weed brings more of them up. I don't need that. No, there's a real supply and demand issue with those emotions that weed brings out in me. But it must be a personality thing. Some people are just like, I smoke weed. I feel great. I smoke weed when I wake up. It helps my day. I'm like, oh my God.

If you made me smoke weed in the morning, I would just go in the shower. It's like therapy to me. I'm like, does it bring up your mother? What the fuck? What is weed doing for you? I know. For me, therapy is therapy. It's not fucking... No. I would never say alcohol is therapy. Yeah, good point. I mean, it's a quick fix if you're going through something. It's a great short-term solution. That's the word. I overthink everything, and so weed's got me overly dissecting. I'm like, I need less dissecting in my life. Yeah. I need to slice up more.

miniature moments, much less. But when I smoke weed, I'm just like in the corner, just kind of quaking, wondering if my roommate wants me to move out or not. And your roommate's your husband. I know. He's my husband. Ha ha ha.

Yeah, no, I know what you guys mean. I start to think all the bad. Yeah. The bad takes over. And then there's always that one guy who goes, you got to get the right strain. I'll tell you the strain again. You're like, ah, I've tried them all. They all suck. I don't believe in the strain stuff. I don't either. They all make me actively paranoid. Same. This one relaxes you. I'm like, well, I'm not okay. You got to try this new weed strain. Maybe it's you. That's a really good one. Yeah.

You know, my mind is not that, it really makes me realize I don't have like a stealthy mind. Like my mind is very, like it's very fragile. As soon as I just have a little bit of weed, just a whisper and I'm not okay. Because I don't have a waspy mom. I have a Jew mom. So my mom is never like hiding shit. My mom is always like, my mom will never just like let shit go. She'll just say, Sam, we're not mad. We're just disappointed. I'm like, fuck, ah.

Like, what does she get disappointed by? Oh, when I was a kid, I was just always drunk and she was just always like, very disappointed in you. I threw up at my sister's graduation. How old were you? Seventh grade. I vomited everywhere. And I vomited so hard that the blood vessels. That's such a funny thing to say to a kid post-vomit. Disappointed is not the right word. The blood vessels popped in my face. Whoa.

You got the red eye. Not just that, just spots. Wow. Mom, it's so hard. Holy moly. Well, that's scary for a mom to see. Yeah. It's like, I'm disappointed you can't hold your booze. Disappointed is such a funny word.

that shit. She's like, fucking pussy. Damn. Do you have any recs, Rachel? Ooh, yeah. What are you watching? What are you loving? What are you liking? I love murder. Yes. I like to watch, I don't know what that says about me, but I can't go to sleep until I've seen like the wise with knives. Have you heard Norman's bit about true crime? No. Oh, yeah. It's an old bit about how I got caught watching gay porn for a second and she called me out and I was like, well, you watch murder. And she's like, well, you're just doing that to a

She's like, I just watch that so I know what to do if I ever get in that situation. I'm like, well, that's why I'm watching gay porn. That's hilarious. Why were you watching gay porn? I made it up. I wasn't. I needed a parallel for the bit. That is a fascinating premise to make up. That is such a window into Norman's mind. Oh, you have? I have. Yeah, just to like, let me try it. Let me be 100% sure. I mean, I've blown a guy. I have.

I'm joking. But yeah, I watched it. Just like, let me see. And it was way too aggressive, way too much dick. And, you know, it wasn't for me. That's a great critique of gay porn. There's too much dick. Yes. Too much dick. It didn't look right. It's like going to a Thai restaurant and being like, what's with all the noodles? I hate noodles. I like my noodle. That's it. I like my restaurant. So what murder are you watching?

I loved, well, I loved Mindhunter. I love Happy Valley. Mindhunter's good. That's an incredible show. Amazing. And I read the book. It's one of the best books I've ever read in my life. I started with it.

I'm so upset. I think it has something to do with contracts or something because they were supposed to come back. It's one of the best books I've ever read in my life. Mindhunter is an incredible fucking book. I watch it because of you too. It's so good. And I was actually... The guy's a badass. He was like solving crimes in his sleep. I find it all fascinating. He never slept and when he slept, he'd be like, let me try to solve it in my sleep. Yes, because he had so many cases. He was one of the guys that coined the term serial killer and he had solved so many...

serial killing homicides, like serial killer type homicides. And that's not, that was a mess of a sentence, but like I said, a pretty little lit. But he was brilliant. And one of the chapters of the book, he explains how he could look at just crime scene photos and write up what's called a character profile. And he would be able to profile the perpetrator just by seeing the photos. He would say, don't tell me anything else about the case. I just need to see the photos. I don't want anything else in my mind. I just want to see the crime scene photos. And then he would see the photos and

And one of the cases he got, he said the killer has a lisp. And he fucking did. How did he know that? Wow. He explains that. He's like, look, sometimes I'm wrong, but there's different styles of killer. And there's one style of killer that is basically... Amazing that Mark just farted. I hear murder. I have my fart. There's one that...

that is like somebody that's self-conscious about something and that's why they kill. So they approach the woman in a way that's either they're really openly angry or they're self-conscious. There's something they're hiding. And in this case, he went through all the potential things a man could be hiding or self-conscious about and then decided that he thought, he's like, it was a guess that it was a lit...

Wow. But he – and he would guess what color a car was a man would drive because he said a man would choose a certain color car for different reasons. Wow. Like I find that shit so fucking fascinating. That's incredible. And a lot of the guys that would be chosen to be in the FBI or the like CIA at this time, they would be kind of C students and the FBI would ask you to go because they would be good at something else. Probably I relate to this because I was like a D student. But they were like –

There was some kind of inattentiveness to certain things, but an attentiveness to other things that would make them kind of FBI tap them, which is what they called it at that time. And they would just kind of tap him to be an FBI agent. And they kind of watched the trajectory of him. I just think that's so fascinating. Amazing. Wow. First of all, the people are watching you at all. Nobody's watched me for any period of my life. I was like,

You say you're a bad student, but you're such a smart person. I mean, you always like... I was a wild emergency moron. But you always have like the best take. Also, not just like you read a lot, but I feel like you're always...

You always have, like, a great article to read. You always... You always have great insight. No, you do. Oh, she doesn't like the comics. I know. But it's like comics do this. They... A lot of them we know. I mean, probably ourselves included. We knock ourselves down a little bit. But, like, you know. But anyway, so I can tell this is making you uncomfortable. You stink. You're the worst. Is that better? I need it to try to internalize this. No, no, no. You're...

It's interesting. You've shared a lot of this murder stuff with me and it's like... It is fascinating that you can just crack this shit like...

A lot of these rapists have really tiny dicks, I think. Right. A lot of these East Area rapists, that guy. Oh, my God. That's a crazy story, right? He would snack after he would assault people. Oh, yeah. And that's the kind of shit that I'm fascinated by. Terrible ad for Ruffalo's potato chips. Can't just have one. He would assault someone, like hang out and make Andy's mac and cheese afterwards. I didn't know why he does that.

To me, that makes me more nervous. Like, don't look at my fridge. You can fuck me in the ass, but my cupboard is embarrassing. But I just find those types of insights so fascinating. For sure. To be able to read people is the coolest skill in the whole world. And it is a fascinating... That's what we try to do with comedy. Yes, you're right. That's probably why I admire it so much. Right. But I was a wild moron in school. They did a lot of scans on me. I was always being scanned. Scanned? Yeah.

Scan, like literally brain scans, like suction cups on my head. Oh no. Because I was that dumb that people were like,

Why is she like this? We need an immediate solution or suggestion to how we can help her because they thought I had various different learning disabilities including something called figure ground where you can't tell the difference between one person speaking and a sea of voices. But it was just that I was bored, I guess, by whatever the teacher was saying. And then so my parents were always scanning me. And I remember one time my mom and dad arguing about me and I heard them in the middle of the night and my dad goes, she's not normal, Karen. Shit.

Oh, that'll keep you up at night, huh? And then my mom was like, well, we'll scan her. We'll keep scanning her. We'll figure it out. Wow.

But I really believe that my emergency levels of stupidity were just infuriating and harming my entire family. I had similar stuff. I remember my mom fighting with my teacher in third grade, and he was like, he's special needs. And she was like, he's not, he's not. And then she's like, let's get out of here. And she grabbed me and ran out. So you really struggled in school too? Oh, my God. I did this thing where we were circling instruments. You know, it'd be a...

page full of objects like, you know, a hammer, a nail, a violin, a piano, a book bag, or whatever. And it said, circle all the instruments, like musical instruments. So I circled them all and then I circled a saw.

And so they're like, well, you see, he's stupid. He circled a saw. And my mom was like, well, don't just call him stupid. Let's ask him why he circled a saw. Let's ask him why he's stupid. Why are you an idiot? So she goes, why'd you circle the saw? And I said, I saw Marx Brothers movies where Chico plays a saw. And she was like, oh, well, there you go.

Stop yelling at my kid and calling him a retard. He saw a movie. That's really cool that your mom asked that follow-up question. It's cool that you were into comedy at that age. And it was the Marx Brothers, which is pretty high-level comedy. Well, my mom was so out to lunch. I was like, I love comedy. I love Bill Murray. I love Chris Farley. And she's like, I got you. Out to lunch, streaming on YouTube right now. Meaning she got it for you? Yeah, she went and bought Marx Brothers VHS tapes, and I was like,

But I still watched it, and I loved it. My mom got the Laurel and Hardy one. Oh, really? Yeah, I wanted Eddie Murphy or whatever, but she got that. I remember Eddie Murphy was the best. He's just one of those guys you knew immediately was like a wild star. Oh, yeah. There was nothing he was going to be but a star. He has it. If anyone has it, it's a young Eddie Murphy. But yeah, so I circled the saw, and it was nice that she dug in a little, like, why the saw, instead of just going stupid. That's so cool.

Yes.

And I still remember, though, this one teacher that said to me – I was, like, in the bathroom and I was, like, washing my hands. And she was like, you know, you're smart. And I was, like, paralyzed with fear at a compliment just like I was just then. I'm like, really? And she's like, yes, you say and write smart things. And then she walked out of the bathroom. And I'm like, that carried me through, like, 10 more years of my life and probably helped me be a comedian. Just that one person.

then just didn't see me as some kind of emergency level problem. Right. Same, same. Yeah. I think that's so important. I know. We should, we should wrap this. We got to do a Patreon too. And we're going long, but you're right. You got it. You got Rachel plug. You have a new album out with Jessica. Yes. Jessica Carson is who's the funniest person. She's so hysterical. I just was with her in LA promoting our prank album.

Prank. We made a prank album. And that's what got us through COVID. I was pregnant in COVID, married to a firefighter. She lost her dad. Her dad passed during COVID. And we just decided to go...

make these prank calls and just like do what we did when we were in high school that made us laugh it just took me back to that place of just before there was the business and all these other things just laughing with a friend and being silly and absurd and uh and we made a prank album and it's called the call girls and it's now for sale everywhere you can buy that kind of thing like spotify and itunes and apple music and everywhere else yeah jessica kirsten follow her too she's so funny one of the funniest or hardest follows in new york oh my god she slays

Killed. What about... She got like two standing ovations in the same night when I was with her. Wow. Wow. Just did Rogan too. I feel like she's cooking. Yeah, she's very much blowing up right now. She's awesome, man. I love her. That's a great photo. That's great. Or a drawing. How about club dates coming up? Any place people can see you on the road? Yes, I'm in... I'm in... Fuck, I can barely think right now. St. Louis. St. Louis.

And if you go to my website, rachel-feinstein.com, I haven't put up that site, but I'm going to new, I mean, I haven't put up that specific gig, but I think my next gig is a, is a comedy festival in St. Louis. I'm at the DC improv soon. I'll add all that stuff too. I haven't added either of those dates to my website, but those are some other ones as well. Oh, I like Winnipeg, Spokane. Oh, great club. Nice. What is this? DOS?

Yes, and I'll be at the DC Improv and some other places. And if you're upstate, I'll be at the Poured Candle Bar upstate, I think in like a couple weeks. Nice. I'll post it all on Instagram. Just follow me on Instagram, Rachel. There you go. Rachel Feinstein underscore. Thanks, guys, for having me, and I'm real drunk.

We love you. Mark, what do you got, man? I'm all over the road as well. Next week, I think I'm in Portland, Oregon. I'm in Atlanta. I'm in Dr. Grin's in Grand Rapids. Boy, I'm all over the place. Let's see. What else are we cooking with?

laugh boston love boston brea california vancouver and new orleans royal oak and uh yeah milwaukee so yeah check mark norman comedy.com watch our specials out to lunch get on the patreon where are you gonna be at fatty denver phoenix san francisco dallas miami uh

All over samorell.com slash shows. Yeah, I can't wait for all these gigs. So looking forward to it. See you guys soon. Listen to the Patreon, patreon.com slash we might be drunk pod. Leave us a nice review. Gotham Studios, always the best. Beard you, we love you. Yeah. And keep listening. We love you. Yes, hear, hear. And follow Rachel on everything social media, Rachel Feinstein. Yeah. Not the sculptor. No, fuck her.

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