Ep 45: Rainbow Trout
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We might be drunk, we might be drunk, as long as we are hanging out, you know we might be drunk. Raise a glass, let's talk shit, pep heaps, wrecks and a bit, maybe drunk, we might be drunk, yeah.

Hey, folks, here we are. We might be drunk. You know what it is. You know where it is. What's shaking, fatty? I haven't seen you in a while. I know, right? It's been a long time. You look good. You too, man. The shirt, nice. Hair's a little too long. I like it like that. Really? Yeah, it's a little more gouldy. Elliot. Yeah, I'll take it, man. Yeah, it works. Love the gould.

Oh, he's the king. California Split. You ever see that one? No. Ooh. Cards. Cards. Yeah, they're degenerate. It's like you don't usually see trashy Jews on screen. That's true. Yeah. It's George Siegel and Elliot Gould great together. Nice. Isn't Grodin a Jew? I don't know. Charles Grodin?

Not that he's trashy, but I think he's Jewish. We're going down a dangerous avenue here. Jews invented the ghetto. Or not invented it, but that's a Jewish word. A lot of people don't know that. I feel like black people appropriated the ghetto. I'm not going to go there. Jewish! Hell yeah, dude. I'll take it. Hey, yeah, man. Been on the road. You've been on the road. Oh, yeah. I'm hurting. I'm on fuel. It's a long story. We got a flat tire last night. We plugged it. Tried to drive back.

And we had to stay in a hotel. Damn. Yeah, it was like a John Hughes movie. It looked like a dump, that hotel. A huge dump, but we didn't want to pay any money. By we, you mean you. Yeah. I mean, I covered the hotel to be nice, but we did a- It was you and who else? This guy, Raj Balani, really funny guy. And we did, I landed from Nashville and jumped in his car and we went straight to Rhode Island. Brutal. Damn, you're a machine. The girlfriend's like, what are you, crazy? I never see you. And I was like-

Shut it, toots. And I jumped in the car and hightailed out of there. And then we got a flat tire on the way. Doug Key had to come pick us up about half an hour out. Doug Key sounds like the guy you call in a jam. Call Key. He's the wheel man. Yeah. Yeah, so then we did the shows. And we're like, well, plug the tire. Because he didn't have a spare. Plugged it. That took all night. And then we got...

we got on the road so far removed in terms of manliness from this story i can't drive they're talking about changing tires and this is brutal well a spare tire would be great but it had he had no spare so we actually had to go to walmart buy a plugging kit plug it learn how to plug and then it still popped again we had to sleep in a motel damn yeah it was brutal motels they take you back to early comedy i know it was that whole thing of like

First of all, we had to get a cop escort because we were lost in old Saybrook. No Ubers. It's a little small town in Connecticut. And the cops are like, we got you. It was like a ride along. It was very white privilege. That is peak white privilege. Yeah. They were like, we got you. Don't worry about it. I took videos of them. White people like, officer, we'd like a lift, like a taxi. I rang a little bell. Yeah. It's the first guy who ever videoed the cops because they were helpful. That's true. You're right. Yeah.

opposite of Rodney King. And yeah, we slept. We woke up at 8 to go straight to the tire place. It was a whole thing. Brutal. Damn, that sucks. He's still there. I left him. What? No, I'm kidding. Let's have a drink here. Oh, yeah, please. This is not a drink I really enjoy, I'm going to be honest. Whoa, baby. Damn. I meant to shoot that. Damn.

Dude, this is, I'm not a big mimosa guy, man. Is this supposed to have this much orange juice? You know, man, he's a big man. Remember when we thought OJ was healthy? Yes. We grew up being like, have vitamin C. And then you look at the bag, you're like, this is a lot of sugar. That's true. But that was like, my mom would heat up orange juice when I was sick. Oh, yeah. Warm OJ. That's true. Warm milk, warm OJ. For some reason, warm just makes it seem more lovey. Hey. There we go. Sally.

No beer Jew today, so we're going simple. It's actually pretty good. I'm surprised. This is not my... I'm not a big champagne guy. Eh. It's a fun vibe. It is fun. It's a vibe more than an actual good drink. But yeah, yeah. No beer Jew, so... Yeah, this is pretty good. Damn. I see how people get shit-faced on this. Oh, dude, those bottomless brunches. Woo. Ruined a lot of Saturdays with that shit. I went. I forgot to wear my pants. I'll tell you. Hooray. There we go. We're cooking. Yeah. What were we talking about?

Uh, flat tire. Oh yeah, but after that, shit. I'm frazzled. I'm with this podcast. I don't know what I've said on this podcast before. Yeah, it's been three minutes. I was in St. Louis and uh... Yeah, you know. Some good shows. First night I got locked in the green room bathroom. What? Yeah. Damn. Uh, the door, it was like a sliding door and it wouldn't open. Uh-huh. So, I'm just like, what do I... I'm like trying with a lot of force to open it. I'm like, it's not opening. Uh, and then...

So I look at my itinerary. I text the comedy club manager like, hey, I'm going on in like a minute. I'm locked in the bathroom. We got Gary Veeder on stage telling jokes. I'm like trying to, they come in, they're like, it won't open. I'm like, what do you want to do? Gary brings me on stage. He's just like, all right, I guess he's not coming. Oh, no. So I said, fuck it, stand back. I'm kicking it in. Whoa.

So I felt kind of cool saying that and I kicked it and I thought it was gonna be like a badass the whole thing was gonna fall down but I just kind of kicked the the handle off. It's like one of those like and I kicked it the handle shatters off and I was like I was like I'm gonna keep kicking they're like no no we got it they just opened I was like that was kind of anticlimactic. I kicked the door off. I think I saw this was this on your I threw a story on there I videotaped it while I did it. And then I thought it would look cooler. Yeah. And

Then, yeah, that was crazy. I mean, dude, I got to tell you, the barbecue in St. Louis, it's real good. Baby, real good. Pappy's. Is that the dry rub? That was my ex. That was my hotel room. I'll tell you. You're right. No, but dude, I can't do barbecue during the day anymore. Lazy out. Well, you do have to do two shows. I know, I know. I eat a lot. It's pork, it's sauce.

It's cornbread. It's all the heaviest shit just weighing you down. Most cities that have great barbecue, the places that have the best barbecue, have very little else to do in the city. That's how you have all the time to slow roast. Oh.

There's nothing else going on. Good point. You're like, we roasted this 18 hours. You're like, yeah, because the other option was going to the arch for the 1800th. Right, right. That's true. Yeah, what is that? Like double burnt chicken or what do they call that shit? That's pretty good, yeah. Slow roasted, yeah. Crock pot. I sound like a real cunt holding this glass. I'll say, there's another reason.

But no, I will tell you, man, they do have great food in St. Louis. Great food. Like that barbecue. Holy shit. Then there's all the St. Louis versus Kansas City versus Nashville versus Georgia. I can't keep up. I don't know. It's all good. I've never had bad barbecue. People always say that. I go, I get meat, I cover it in sauce. It's all the same for me. I like when the South fights with each other because there's never been a real war. They just bicker, you know? Right, right. Yeah, well, we'll rise again. Not after that barbecue.

Dude, I feel like that's the type of shit. You ever eat so much barbecue that you're like, I don't think my dick works anymore? Like it makes you impotent, that kind of grease. Yeah. It's amazing that anyone fucks in those towns. Maybe.

Maybe that's where the incest comes from. Because they're like, ah, my sister's here. Yeah, I don't want to go that far. She's right here. I had sausage links. Come on. Phone in. All right. Yeah. I love barbecue. I could eat it twice a week. I got food poisoning the second night. What? Yeah, the second night I got food poisoning. Gary Veeder and I. Gary's like a real, he finds the good change hotels because there were pubes on Gary's bed. Ah!

Gary's like, there are cubes everywhere. I'm like, all right, let's move. So we go to another room. He got another room. I got another one because my first room sucked. I love these two Jews that fly in. They're like, food poisoning? This guy's changing rooms? What the hell is going on here? We're not breaking stereotypes this week. And we're not quiet about our complaints either. So there's another one. Gary flew back early with allergies.

But then we check into the hotel and like, you know, it's one of those nights where I'm like, you know, my room... It was a nice hotel from the outside. Then you go to the room and you're like, this is fucking gross. Oh, yeah. So I changed rooms. Gary changed rooms. And then Gary was like bummed about it. I'm like, let's get drinks. Let's get some cocktails. Pre-show. Good ass Negronis. We got a little buzz on. Then we...

Then the next night, Gary's like, we changed hotels to a nicer hotel. And then Gary was like, I found a good spot. It's right across the street. I was like, perfect. It's swanky. It's cool. We're sitting down. We order good food. I don't know why I thought I was like, I,

I've been drinking a lot. I've been eating like shit. Let me order something healthy. So I ordered the rainbow trout in St. Louis. Ooh, landlocked. A real great idea. A lot of good water by St. Louis. Yeah, right. The Ozarks, I hear, are nice. I actually am there...

Well, we're recording right before I leave, so I will have been there. Oh, nice. Yeah. Let me ask you this. When you tell a wait, I mean, a hotel staff that has pubes on the bed, what is their reaction? Are they like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry? Are they like, that's mine? Like, what do they say there? Look, I was having some fun, kid, I'll tell you. No, Gary said what happened was, because he complained, he said that they were just like, well, hopefully the next room's better. I like hopefully. Hopefully.

Yeah, right? I like that we're not sure. Exactly. There might be some pubes in room 808, too. We don't know also. Yeah. Yeah, no, Gary changed to another room, then we went to the... So I get this rainbow trout, and it's one of those things where we're in the Uber going to the gig. You do a lot of gigs now, you have to take an Uber there, right? Yeah, yeah. And they reimburse you. So you Uber, you have to put the comedy club in. So the driver every time is like, comedy club, huh? Oh!

Who's playing tonight? And I'm just like, ah, Sam Morrell. I'm like, is he good? I'm like, yeah, he's all right. You start telling about your own insecurities. You're like, ah, I could shorten my setups. Heard his new stuff isn't what it used to be. Yeah, exactly. But, you know, so we're in the car and I'm like, I'm feeling sick. You ever have like a food that you're like, oh, I, this is, I'm bad now. Yes. I was in the car and I started like crunching over and I'm like, oh, fuck.

And Gary's like, oh shit. He's like, I don't feel great either. But I'm like, yeah, but I'm like, I'm in like, this is bad. Like, I don't know if I'm going to make it to the club bad. Oh boy. Like I might shit myself. I haven't shit myself since second grade on the school bus. All right. I like how Vita was like, is this regular Jew complaining? Let me, let me do a follow up. He's like, nope, it's bad. Right. From hay fever to Holocaust. Where are we here? Let me get a second opinion. All right. I think you're ugly too. All right.

so then uh we're in the car and i'm like i'm in pain and the driver could see i'm in pain so he goes oh man i had that the other day i had too many flaming hot cheetos i shit myself something pink and i'm like oh why are you telling me i'm just like i'm like hey man i i i appreciate but it's not helping and he's just like that's great he's just like all right all right and he's like he's like also like

I feel bad complaining about bad drivers because I can't drive, but he's like stopping short a lot. I'm like, oh, shit. I literally waddle into the club. I jump in. I jump on the toilet. It's the broken door from before. Oh!

So it won't even shut all the way. Wow. I hear Gary like, can I get you anything? Gary hands me Mylanta through the broken door where it used to be. Chew spinach. And then I'm like, Mylanta, this isn't even like, this is like heartburn, you know? Right, right. So they run out and they got me Pepto. I'm the most annoyed. I got to get Pepto in my rider. Oh, yeah, you might. Holy shit. Yeah.

I was dying. - Wow. - And yeah, it took me like, it was like 30 minutes. I'm dying. I'm on the toilet for like 30 minutes. We had to start late.

It's just like everything's coming out of me. It's liquid. I'm sorry that we're drinking these nice drinks and I'm talking about ass water here. No, bring it on. So I'm dying. You still did the set. I did, but I handed them a note and they handed it to Gary and it said stretch five more minutes. I know Gary was just like, another time I have to stretch. Last time he was locked in the bathroom. This time he's stuck. But either way, he's not moving. And I went out there and that first 20 minutes I was hobbling. Wow.

So it gets worse. Okay, okay. Keep going. I hired a cameraman that weekend and... I hope he got the toilet stuff. Dude...

So I've been getting cameraman because we get good riffs on the road. Of course. So I say, you know, let's do it. He shows up. This is my pee for the week, by the way. Okay. It's going to connect right to my peeve. I'm coming in guns blazing today, boys. These mimosas got me all salty. By the way, for the record, if you're an opener out there, pick a restaurant. That's a big perk. Like, you know, just saying...

Well, Gary's also one of my best friends. Well, that's great. And he's a funny comic. But like, you know, it's always nice when they can handle some shit. You know what? Fuck it. I want some more mimosas. There we go. I'm getting that OJ. Get the OJ Simpson. Hold on. Here we go.

Pour it in. I got your champ right here. Argyle. Is this good? Yeah, it is good. It's from my buddy Craig Arion from Portland. He's the guy with the wine, too. Oh, that's good stuff. Should I look up the percentages here before you do that? I think there's a lot of OJ. It's too much OJ? Yeah, I don't need that much OJ. I might have to do this like a Michelada. Hey! Oh, so that guy hired this guy, and he's like...

He's like, well, I'm not a cameraman, but I have a two-camera shoot set up. This guy is off his ass shit-faced, like to the point that he rolls into the green room with a pint of whiskey. A pint. Straight whiskey. Blanton. So he's like a high... He's a top-shelf booze bag, too. So he rolls in. You know what it reminds me of? Remember the guy, the drunk from...

Seinfeld, the dog who bites. Oh, yeah, Farfel. Farfel. Yeah. Right, the high-end drama. Arthur, basically. Yeah, Arthur. Oh, dude. So good. If you haven't seen the movie Arthur, the original with Dudley Moore. Yes. That might be one of the best comedies ever made. The first 20 minutes is just jokes out of the gate. It's amazing. Yeah, well, she says she's the prostitute. She goes, oh, my God, I thought I was just doing really well with you. Which we've all thought in Vegas, by the way.

Isn't that a shame when you're like, man, this hot chick is really into me. And your friend's like, that's a hooker. Yeah, Russ Meneve used to have a great joke where he said, you know, when a woman in Vegas tells you she's a prostitute, just say, I am also a prostitute. I would be willing to waive my fee if you would also waive yours. Oh, that's great. Oh, you're 300, I'm 400. You owe me 100, you whore. Ha ha ha.

I love when a joke's actually a good idea. Like, that's not bad, you know? And it's funny. So, yes, this guy's loaded, dude. Oh, it's such a good movie, man. He's loaded, like, off his ass drunk. And, like, this is my peeve. He did a thing that drunks will do sometimes. And just not people that aren't, like, kind of totally connected. He...

He would just keep lingering in the green room. He would just keep coming in and being like, so if you need anything, I'd be like, I'm fine, man. I was literally just starting to run and talk to Gary. He's like, if you need a tour around St. Louis, I'm like, you barely found yourself here tonight. You can barely stand. Yeah. I want to get in a car with you. And then he goes, well, if you change your mind, I'm like, I'm not. I've never wanted to change my mind less about anything. Right. And then, of course, he gets none of the footage. Oh.

What do you mean? Because he's shit-faced. I don't know what happened. He sent me footage just like washed out. I'm like, I can't use any of this. Oh, man. Well, you didn't pay him, did you? No, I didn't. I was going to, but then I'm like, you didn't give me anything I could even use. Damn. Well, this guy's listening to this right now in rehab going, ah, that was my rock ball. This guy ain't in rehab. He's dying. Wow. He was a booze bag. Here's the thing. We attract all types of drunks with this podcast. That's one of the low-end ones. Yeah, yeah. Damn.

Get your shit together there. What was the whiskey? Blanton's is good shit. I don't know Blanton's. That's like a high-end bourbon. That's good. Look it up. That's got to be pretty expensive stuff. How do you spell it? Blanton. B-L-A-N-T-O-N. Blanton's Bourbon. It's good stuff. All right. But he was like, I brought you Blanton's. I'm like, dude, we drink for free here. I don't need $200 a bottle. Wow. Yes, that's high end. Maybe I should have had some. Yeah. Yeah.

I can't believe this guy needs video work if he's buying this kind of thing. He doesn't. He's like a finance guy who was just doing it on the side. He's like, I'm a comedy fan. See, I have a weird... Oh, you didn't hire a camera guy at all. Well, I learned my lesson the next week I was in Indianapolis. I got a really good guy. This guy Noah was killer. Got great footage. Wow. Yeah, that's tough. Because I... What's the word? I sympathize or empathize with these guys because I used to be such a...

What do you call it? Socially awkward guy that I would have to get hammered before I did anything. Yeah. Like in high school and stuff. I remember those industry parties we used to go to. Mark and I were like, open bar. We didn't realize that we should be mingling with the industry. We're just doing shots at the bar like idiots. I know. I'm like, move, Robert Klein. I need this martini. You know? Oh, those were bad nights. I mean, whew.

Yeah. Just a lot of like dipping people and like pants dropping and finger guns. Yeah. Good times. Yeah. I remember I was hammered once I grabbed our buddy Josh Rabinowitz. I was like, this guy's a fucking tool. This fucking guy. And the guy I'm talking to with Josh is like, uh-huh. And the guy's like, I'm the president of NBC right here next to me. I'm like, oh, sorry. Yeah. I remember I met George Shapiro, Seinfeld's manager, and I tussled his hair.

What were you thinking? I didn't know who he was. He was just like a little guy. He was like a little old man. Why are you tussling any little old man's hair? I could take him. It's just in case. It's like...

Also, Dudley Moore's manager, I believe. What? Dudley Moore's long dead, though. I know, but he's been around. George Shapiro's been around. Yeah. So I looked up the mix. It's one to one. Oh, geez. All right. Good to know. So you're overdoing it. So give me a little more champagne. All right. I'll tell you. There we go. One to one. Yeah, get that in there. There we go. Good cocktail. Really seems to care. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

It is hilarious when people at the shows now will yell out, do Rodney. And like, I'll do one and it'll kill for like 33%. I'm like, why is he doing Rodney? Who's Rodney? Rodney King. That'll be a nice twist. I'll tell you, they call me King Rodney, you know? So, yeah, man.

Rocky times, but overall, the crowds were amazing in St. Louis. Had a good time. Yeah. Aside from the food coma, food poisoning, getting locked in the bathroom, and dealing with that drunk. Yeah, new hotel, changing hotel pubes. I love that you still did the show. A lot of people would have bailed after six things in a row. From the green room, what are you going to do? What am I going to bail for?

two feet away it's a good point also that uber driver you got food poisoning in the car and he knew you were a comedian so he's like you're gonna put this in your act two stars but yeah you know what's annoying now is like we just had the flat tire thing you got food poisoning you're shitting water the guy the drunk cameraman the pubes i'm sleeping in a motel with my opener who i barely know we see each other in our underwear it's very weird and then we finally make it back we get a room with him i had to

share a room, yeah. You didn't have to. You can afford two hotel rooms. Well, it was a motel. It was two in the morning. I don't know. You don't want your own room? Yeah. How much was the room? It was a hundred bucks. Really? For a motel's a hundred bucks? I know. The guy had us by the balls, too. He was in a bathrobe. It was bad. It was in the middle of nowhere. It was like a shitbox. A bathrobe. You heard him yelling mother from the other room? Yeah, exactly. Damn. So he...

He answered the front desk in a robe? Well, we went to the... First of all, the cop dropped us off. This is just the longest night of all time. The cop drops us off at the inn and he goes, see you later. And we go, thank you, thank you. And now the inn is locked. Like, the lobby is dark. We're like, fuck! Yeah.

No, there's no one here. So we call the place and the guy's sleeping upstairs. So he has to come down, turn the lights on, unlock it. He's like half asleep, you know, and he's like, what do you need? We're like one room. He's like, all right, sign this, sign that. We just buy the room. He gives us the key, key, by the way. And then we go in and fall asleep. That's weird. It was brutal, man. It was just like trains and planes. Everything kept going wrong back to back to back.

and that is the ultimate like if shit is going wrong you just think of that movie it really is like we'd go to a gas station and like try to use the air thing and it'd be out of order and you're like of course it's out of order where's the next one so you google it it's a mile away so we're rolling on a rim then we get to the next one it's four quarters i only have two fuck it

It was just one of those nights, you know? And we finally went to bed. We woke up, got breakfast. I selfishly texted another guy at the festival and I was like, what are you guys doing? They're like, we're hungover. We're driving back. And I said, can I go with you? So they picked me up. I made sure Raj was okay, but I had to come back and do the pod. He's, he's, I don't know what he's doing.

I'm joking, I'm joking. Second time. Wait, where is he? He's fine. He's back in Queens. Oh, okay, good. But he had to wait. He's got a weird tire. Fuck Jeep, by the way. Jeep sucks. They don't put a spare in there. What are you talking about? There's a spare right on the back.

This is a Jeep Compass. Oh. You're thinking of a Wrangler. I am. So there was no spare. They give you sealant, and they say, just put this in the tire, and it'll fill the hole itself. And the sealant shot everywhere. It was horrible. Yeah. Nothing ever fills a hole, does it? You got that right. That's the Argyle. But yeah. It's one of those things where you're like, I'm never going to get home. I might never see my house again. Holy shit. And I finally made it. You're two hours away. I know. Yeah.

That's, yeah, dude, I mean, some of the travel, man, we got to lay a new, just, crying baby behind me the whole flight yesterday, classic. Oh, yeah. Shrieking. We're like, ah! I'm like, shut up, kid, this ain't Guantanamo, you know? I know, right? But you just want to turn to the kid and be like, it gets way worse. Wow.

It gets so much worse. Yeah. And you know what sucks now is every time we have a travel thing, there's always that one guy who goes, it's going to be a good story, though. You get a story. I'm like, fuck, I'm done with stories. Let me just have one great weekend. What's the story? I shit myself in a St. Louis green room bathroom. I'm like, there's a story that's gross. I'm like, I guess that's not a story. Let me go to the moth with that one. Hey, all things considered, I've got a doozy for you.

What is it? Real Life? What's that one called? This American Life. This American Life. Yeah, I got food poisoning and shit water. You haven't heard the first part. I had trout. They're like, all right, we're not. It's called something pink. I deserve this shit for getting seafood in St. Louis. Possibly, but I... You're not known for seafood. I've been there. If you get food poisoning from like...

If you're in like Maine and you get seafood and you get food poisoning, or if you're in Boston, like if you go to a place that has good seafood. Yeah. But Todd Berry's got that great joke about he got sushi at an airport and he got food poisoning. And he's like, it's my fault for getting sushi at an airport. And I think about that joke all the time. Yeah. And it's the same with the trout.

At least you were, you know. You know what's funny? It tasted horrible and I ate the whole thing. You ever do that where you're like, this is terrible, but I'm going to get my money's worth. Of course. It was awful. I can't send back a trout. I don't care what it tastes. It could have a, you know.

anthrax on it. I'm like, I bought this trout. I can't send it back. Can you imagine being like, this is not good? I don't think I've ever sent back food. Never. My girl does it all the time. If you're like a cute lady, she's like, this drink is weird. I'm like, oh my God, that's a cocktail. You know what you do when your drink is weird? You chug it. Exactly. That's hilarious. Yeah. I made my girlfriend tea yesterday and she's like, this tea tastes soapy. I was like, I'll make you another tea. And she's like, this one's also soapy. I'm like, ah, it's good to be a woman, isn't it?

That soap reminds you to do the dish now. That's an old joke. Oh my God. I love when like

My friend Rachel used to date a guy who would literally say things like, a hot meal every once in a while would be nice. Can you imagine saying that to a woman now? I know, right? Like, as a joke, I get it. But, like, sincerely? Yeah. You never cook. You live in New York. You live in New York City. You can get a good meal for $5 on the street. Yeah, of course. Maybe not $5.10. You're not allowed to say anything now that has history. You know, like, if I say...

Something something you're like working like a slave, you know You're going to slavery I'm just saying you can't anything that has history The second he said it's got history I'm like I know where this is going But like I would be like oh you're fucking every night You're like a sex slave or whatever and it's like yeah That's fine but to your black friend you wouldn't say that Because you mean the same thing But there's history same with the women in the kitchen There's history right right you tell a woman Like my girlfriend's like you never cook I'm like I know Maybe I should cook more but if I'm like you never cook It's got history to it you know

That's a good point. Yeah, we say equality, but things are different. Well, because there was inequality. Exactly. But, yeah, man. No, I like cooking. I'm a big...

Do you cook a lot? Nah, I can't cook. I thought you could cook some. I mean, I can do an omelet or a tuna sandwich, but I can't really. Love a tuna melt. That's a good. Made a lot of those during the pandemic. You get a nice slice of cheddar. You throw it over there. You butter on the bread. Holy shit. That's a comfort thing right there. The melted cheese. A diner meal. If I'm not doing eggs, I'm doing...

A tuna melt usually. Yeah. You want to clean out the system. Tuna melt, black coffee, milkshake. Milkshake. I like a milkshake at a diner. Tops it all off. I can't, but that's another one. I can do it like the end of the night, but I can't do it during the day. Oh, bring it on. Really? Oh, yeah. If I ever go sober, I'm going to be a milkshake guy.

I have, like, nom flashbacks to how bad my stomach was as a kid. Like, I remember being in a Times Square movie. Remember that, I think it was the Ewok Theater? Mm-hmm. And, you know, you could just see, like, four movies in a day. Oh, I love that. Because there were so many movies playing, you could just go movie to movie. 25 movies playing, and that's, like, in the 90s when, you know, places had four and it was a big deal. I remember seeing Gangs of New York and 25th Hour in the same day. Wow, that's a long day. Long day, but you were like, fuck, these are both pretty cool movies. Of course. Yeah.

That was back when movies were good. You know, now it's just, oh, I watched every Avengers at the theater. It's weird. I know. They're coming back. Wes Anderson's got a new one and Paul Thomas. Dude, and also the one with the Mike Mills movie with Joaquin looks really good. Ooh, I don't know this one. Joaquin Phoenix is fucking great. Beast. He's just great. He's always different too, man. Always. You know what?

So that looks good. Then there's also the, I think the Princess Di movie looks pretty good with Kristen Stewart. I didn't see that. Then there's, what else is there? There's a lot of good looking movies. All right. It's about the fucking time. Oh, dude, the Coen Brothers movie, the Macbeth movie. What? With Denzel. What?

They're doing Macbeth with Denzel and Francis McDormand. That looks insane. Holy hell. And it's getting a lot of buzz. People are saying it's incredible. Out damn spot. The only times the Coen brothers even let me down was Hail Caesar. That's the only one. Yeah. It was shot well. It looked amazing. It looked great, but it wasn't. It just wasn't that. They're so good that you're like, the bar is so high for them. It's true. Yeah. That's a good point. Wow. I didn't know. You're up on the trailers. I didn't know about any of this shit. I get lost on Instagram sometimes and I'll just see it.

I love it. It could be pretentious trash or it could be great, you know? No, I think we're having a swing back into the art movie world. Yeah, it does. But I love Noah Baumbach. Me too. Fucking Meyerowitz stories. What was the last one he did? Oh, Marriage Story was great. Oh my god. I fucking cried on that one.

That ripped my heart out, man. We've all been there. That breakup feeling. That was a great movie. Oh, my God. And then fighting with her. You hate her so much, but you want her to love you, but you still love her, but you hate her, and you want her to hurt, and she's hurting you. I got to ask you a tough one now. Oh, God. Did you see The Sopranos movie? No, I have not. Did you? No. I'm getting way mixed reviews. I'm hearing mixed also. I did not love it. Ah. Why? Why?

It was just everything the Sopranos show is not. You know, it was kind of like... Interesting. The whole racial element kind of didn't... It was like, if you're going to do that, it was kind of underexplored. And then if you're... Yeah, and it just was kind of like there. It didn't really add anything. And then it wasn't as fun. It was a lot of stuff for the fans, which I appreciate. You see it even in the trailer when Young Junior says, he doesn't have the makings of a varsity athlete. Like shit like that. They give you gimmies, but like...

Overall, I was pretty disappointed. I'm with you. I haven't seen it, but I don't love that whole, like, we gotta blow the Sopranos fans here and have Easter eggs. It's like, hey, just make a good movie or don't. Don't make it just for these select group who like the show. It had good moments, but overall, it just, like...

It's weird. The script wasn't great. That's the thing. Like, the acting's great. Leota's great. Vera Farmiga from, you know, all the stuff. She's departed. Departed, oh yeah. She's great as Tony's mom. I wanted, like, more of Tony's mom. She was so sinister. Oh, she's good. She's captivating. But then, like, yeah, just... It almost felt like just not a great mob movie. And then, like, you watch The Sopranos and it's, like, the best mob thing ever done. I was watching... It's so funny. This felt, like, bleak and even the color, like...

The Sopranos, you rewatch episodes, you're laughing your ass off. Of course, yeah. So funny. That intervention scene is my favorite scene in the whole show. It bummed me out. Wow. And it was David Chase, right? Yeah, but then I also heard interviews like maybe he wasn't super involved. I don't think his wife is in great health. So I think he was supposed to direct it. So maybe he didn't. Maybe that's why he didn't direct it because she's not doing great. So, you know, he wrote it, but...

I don't know, man. All right. It's tough. It's tough to make anything great that long, after so much time has passed. And not only is it, it's not the same show. It's like you're doing a different, it's different characters. It's a prologue. Right.

Right. All right. I'm excited to watch it still, but my friend is a Sopranos nut, Chris Allen, and he loved it. Really? Yeah, but then my other friend is a Sopranos nut and he hated it. I'm a Sopranos nut and I did not like it. Okay, okay. But it's hard to, not a lot of good movies anymore, man. That's why a lot of these give me hope. They're coming back, baby. It's tough to make a good movie. It is, it is. And then everybody's worried that people won't watch it. You know, these suits, they're all cowards.

I wonder it makes you wonder how much suits fuck with like I wonder if suits fuck with that Sopranos movie like it's got to have this. Oh, yeah, probably. I don't know. Well, the squid game bullshit that everybody watch it. I've watched one episode and I'm already hooked. It's fucking good. Koreans can make shit. It's like Parasite meets The Hunger Games. Yeah, that's what my girlfriend said. Or it's like remember The Running Man? Yeah, it reminds me of that a little bit.

Yeah, totally. Well, they say it's the number one watched thing on Netflix ever around the world, too. It's number one in 30 different countries. And that says so much because Americans are such cunts about foreign films. Oh, yeah. We're so bad about like, it's got to be amazing. Yeah, yeah. We're not great about subtitles, but it's like, it doesn't even feel like you're, I mean, you forget about it in a second because it's just so much going on. Yeah, well, that one guy, the parasite guy broke through, I feel like. That guy killed it. The hung pack.

Pooh. Don't. Don't. Don't try. Ho Chi Minh. Whatever it is. That guy kills it. Dude. Parasite's incredible. Parasite's incredible. The Okja is great. I mean, the guy's a monster. He did the other one, too. With the train? Yeah. Spear cheese. What the hell is that? Spear cheese. That's what it's called. It's called spear cheese. Uh-huh. Yeah. I forgot what it's called. It was called this.

Snowpiercer. Snowpiercer. That was great. That was great. That was great. He loves class issues. Well, it's a lot of social commentary. Like this also is like, you could have just had the guy, when the guy takes the mask off, it could have just been Jeff Bezos, you know? You could just have the guy, the villains, it is amazing how they're just scrapping and like,

Sure, some of it slaps you in the face, but like, it's so fucking good. It's good, but my point is, he shopped it around for 10 years and nobody would buy it. And then finally, Netflix is like, well, we'll give it a shot. You know, Asian stuff is hot right now. They all do that, this is hot right now shit, because they're so scared of taking a chance.

But also you look at it and you're like, how is this even a chance? It's got everything. Like visually it's beautiful. Yeah. It's tense. It's got really funny moments. Sure. The actors are awesome on it. It's so fucking good. It's great. It's great. Yeah. And people are loving it. It feels like the Tiger King kind of vibe where we're all talking about this one thing again. Yeah, dude. Squid Game is... Is that your rec?

Well, it wasn't my rec because I feel like everybody's already into it. So I want to rec something people don't know. It's weird to rec a number one. Right, right. But dude, it's great. It's fun. Have you watched it? Yeah, I watched the whole thing. The whole thing? Yeah. And don't tell me how it ends, but are you satisfied with the ending? Satisfied with it from the first episode to the last. I'm not going to say a lot. That's rare. Yeah.

I mean, everybody hated Seinfeld ending. Everybody hated Sopranos ending. Squid Game. Also, you can't compare the two. That's nine seasons versus one. True. And it's comedy. Yeah. But this has got everything. I don't hate the Sopranos ending. I didn't hate it either, to be honest. I love the Sopranos ending. I didn't hate the Seinfeld one. Yeah. What's your rec, Mark? Hmm.

My rec sucks, but my point is it takes 10, sometimes it takes, Dr. Seuss, sure he was a rabid anti-Semite, but he shopped that shit around for, he said he went to 11 publishers. Yeah. Yeah, so. No one would publish Jew in the Zoo. Oh my. Woo, I'd love to see that.

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So, since we're talking about executives and Netflix, what do you guys think of the Chappelle special? I was just going to get into that. I haven't seen it yet. What? I'm late on... It's hard for me to watch. I know. It's hard for me to sit down and watch stand-up. Yeah. I've watched his last few. I mean, I'll watch usually, but like... No, it's very hard for me to sit down and watch stand-up. What do you think? I got a lot of thoughts about it. I watched the whole thing and...

Look, it's not his ha-ha is his funniest, but you could tell he just had a bone to pick. He had something to say. He had to get shit out. And it's

It's not as funny as by far, but it's insanely captivating. He's walking a tightrope the whole time. But he's always captivating. Always captivating. But the first 10 minutes, I don't want to shit on comedy. I hate shitting on comics. But I didn't think the jokes were really well-crafted. I thought it wasn't that funny. But then he gets into stories and personal shit and beefs. And then you're like, whoa, he's saying some shit. You're like, wow, what is this, the 80s? Like Eddie Murphy delirious stuff. And...

He really brings it all together, and the pacing and the time. I mean, he's a next-level storyteller. Yeah. Like, he's an amazing orator. Absolutely. But, yeah, if you're looking for ha-has, I wouldn't say this is it, but I also love that he knew there was going to be backlash, and I feel like he's playing it like a fiddle almost. He's like, yeah, this is what I exactly... It's funny how people are like...

He's like, Twitter's not a real place. I'm like, well, you should see how much they're helping you because everyone's talking about it. Everybody. This not real place is buzzing. It's buzzing. It's almost like the Howard Stern thing where he's like, yeah, 50% of them hate you, 50% love you, but they're all listening. Everybody's hate watching it and loving it. Well, that was the line, right, where they say the people that hate you listen even longer. Yes, exactly. Because they want to hear what you say next. So look, I mean. There's a lot of that in here.

He says, he's throwing out, he's throwing out all the old, you know, slurs and everything. It's wild. I haven't watched it. I look, it's interesting. Uh,

I know the comedian who wrote the thing against him, the showrunner for Dear White People. Really? Jacqueline Moore. I went to college with her. She got dragged. She got dragged, too, for that. For being a white showrunner of a black show. Yeah, but... I'm just saying what Twitter did. Here's the defense of that. She was the only white person in the writer's room. Took her years to rise to rankings, and then the black showrunner selected her. That's the thing no one talks about. So...

People don't really do the research on that. But the thing with... I knew Jacqueline when she was Jack. Really? And yeah, we'd get beers and watch basketball. I think she just transitioned like a year ago. Yeah, like a year ago. Within a year of the pandemic. Yeah. Jack was... I don't know Jacqueline. I DM'd her and said, congrats on what you're doing. You know, just support. But I knew Jack when we went to college together. And...

Huge Cleveland Cavs fan. Hey. Yeah. So I almost... I didn't do it, but I almost wrote when she transitioned. I almost wrote, as long as you're not a Lakers fan. Ah. That's good. But I was like, let me just resist this because... Well, you did it now. Probably need support. Yeah, probably. No, probably not. Now I can say it, but at the time probably need... But also I'll say this. You see the shit that she is getting, those threats? Oh, why do you say threats? And that shit's real. Yeah. I do think like, look...

I don't know. Here's where I stand on it. Chappelle's allowed to make those jokes, but she's allowed to have a problem with them. I think everyone should have a fucking voice in this shit. I agree with you completely, but she shouldn't be able to take it away because she's like, hey, get rid of the special. No one should take anything away. That's what bothers me. I do think Chappelle is like, let's be real. Chappelle is a master of his craft. Whether you like him or don't like him.

You can't just be like, he's bad. You can't really... I mean, he's kind of earned that, I think, at this point. Even if you don't like this, I haven't seen it yet. I haven't watched it. Who knows even I will? I don't watch that much comedy anymore. Right, right. I like to watch other... I need to escape this shit. I live this every night, dude. I need to escape it. My favorite comment about that was someone wrote, who's this white lady punching down at this black comic? That's funny. That's funny. But, you know, I will say, though, you know, it's like...

Everyone should get the, you should get, he should get to make the jokes. Yes. She should get to object. I mean, like that is. Agreed. I did see people at Netflix who are trans who got suspended though. Did you see that? They got suspended for bursting into a meeting and not for commenting or tweeting. Right. Sure. So it's like now you're just being like weirdly reckless. Like you still have to be professional. Right.

But let's be real. This is a corporation that's Netflix. It's about money at the end of the day. Let's not act like they're supporters of art. They are supporters of money. So when I see Ted Sarandos defend Chappelle, I think that's great for comedy. Someone that high up defends the comic because we don't see that a lot at that level.

But it's also Dave Chappelle. Yes. He's not defending some lower tier comedian. They pulled one of Adrian Iapolucci's jokes from the fucking half hour. Sure, and Joey Diaz. And these are comics that are not as famous as Dave. So it's like, oh, you'll support this when it makes financial sense. Right. You won't support this across the board, though. But show me Tim Dillon's special. Where's that? Sure. Shane Gillis. Sure, Shane Gillis. Or Shane Gillis' special. You know, so...

That's just my thoughts on it. It's all money. It's showbiz at the end of the day. But I am glad that they're not pulling it. I hope they don't pull it because that just sets a bad precedent for another special that could be controversial. I will say this about the Twitter thing, though. As a comic, we travel the country every week. We perform to people every week. Some of them know who we are. Some of them don't, who are at the shows, right? Yeah. So...

You perform to these crowds and there is a connection you feel. That doesn't sound cheesy. I really do feel connected to these crowds. I feel like we get a rhythm. It's like a fun... Every night I'm really having a great time. They know us. They get us. They get it. And...

You see people like tap me and each other in the videos and stuff when I'm looking at footage. They're like tapping to their laughing strangers doing that shit. And there is a more of a camaraderie than you feel on Twitter. Like the anger that you see on Twitter. We're not as divided as they want you to think. Yeah. Yeah. Fox News and MSNBC and all these networks have made it their mission to monetize our division.

And we're not that fucking divided. No, no. The most divisive voices get all the play. Right. And they do that on purpose. They put them up to the top. So, yeah.

Twitter can be evil. So Dave is right about that. He's right about that. It's not reality. But it can fuck you. As we sip our mimosas. Yeah, a lot of people can get together and yada yada. But yeah, I like that it's still out there. I like that it's controversial. I mean, people say jokes I don't agree with all the time, but you go, that's part of it. That's comedy, you know? Sure. Like the Michael Jackson documentary. To me, I'm like, oh, I don't want to watch this or R. Kelly like that.

bugs me. Well, that's what separates us. I did want to watch it. I wanted more. I was like, where's the deleted scenes? Come on. Whatever gets you hard. But I'm just saying, like, it's just weird that it's comedy and then people say, like, comedy's fine. It's not a problem. But then it's like,

But then there's this huge backlash to get him fired or get him off or whatever. I do feel like it's hilarious that Chappelle walks a tightrope of like, I might get canceled. And it's like, you got 20 million and you're playing arenas. Like, what does canceled mean? I think that's kind of what we have to talk about. It's like, you're not canceled, dude. He's not canceled, but pulling the special would be bad. But they're not going to do that. I hope not. If that happens, that would be bad for so many reasons. Agreed. But I also don't think...

I'll tell you who's canceled. The definition of canceled needs to be changed. Sure. With someone like Shane Gillis, that was being canceled. Completely. And Shane was able to circumvent the business because he's a funny enough stand-up. Yeah. Get away from that. But what is canceled? I mean, people know...

who he is from that. That's enough, I think. But you're forgetting the huge mental anguish and the sadness and the depression. He was mentally depressed. He had to get on pills and shit. Sure. Everybody's so compassionate. No, no, I'm saying Shane was canceled. Yeah. I'm agreeing with you. But you keep saying, hey, it doesn't matter. He's doing fine. It's like, no, no, he was fucked up. I didn't say that. Oh, it sounds like people always go, oh, he's doing great. He's got a million views. I'm saying he was able to go around that in terms of business. I'm not talking about mental anguish. I'm not talking about any of that stuff.

I think like having a scarlet letter is being canceled. That's the canceling. And I think he has that. So it's like what is the goal? Is it the goal that he's not working? And maybe for the people leading this mob, it is, right? Right, right. And Shane was able to circumvent that. I'm not talking about his fucking mental health. That's not my business. But I think people forget about that part. I'm sure it was very difficult. And I know and like Shane. Yeah, funny guy. So-

Half retarded. Oh! I'm trying to throw a joke in here somewhere. He's trying to get some heat off Shane here. That's what he's doing. You don't get what he's doing? Yeah. But, you know, I'm just saying, like...

Dave is not the one who here's what it bothers me as a comic who's not nearly as successful as Dave Here's what bothers me is like we're the people we're the comics who get penalized by cancel culture not Dave Dave You have how many Netflix specials right six, right? The people that get penalized by cancel culture are people that are being victim being

hidden by the algorithm that's being somewhat canceled i think as a comic at this point not like we can talk about mobs and all that shit later but i'm saying like when you get shadow banned or when you get like if you're on like tiktok or instagram they're kind of like you're getting less visibility yeah because an algorithm doesn't understand parody or sarcasm that is kind of being that's more being canceled than what dave is going through sure sure dave is playing arenas

Of course, of course. But I think this does affect him. I think he's a sensitive guy and all that. Do you think? I don't know Dave. I think so. I really do. I really do. I've met him. I don't know. He doesn't know me or anything. I've met him too and he was super nice and super cool. But I don't.

I don't think this... Do you really think it bothers him? I think it does. Yeah, I think it does. Well, it's weird that we think somebody has $80 million and they just don't have feelings all of a sudden. That's not what I'm saying at all. I know, but I think the public thinks that. They're like, he's fine, he's rich, he's successful. It's like, yeah, but successful people all the time kill themselves and are depressed and suicidal. We see it all the time. Sleeping pills or whatever. So like... Sure. I know we're not supposed to feel bad for rich people or have sympathy for successful people. You're starting to sound like Chappelle right now. I'm just saying.

If it's compassion, it's got to be compassion. We do this weird thing where we go, you're bad. We deem you bad so you have carte blanche to be a piece of shit to somebody. And that's all... I wish...

this trans lady, Jacqueline, and Chappelle could like talk. Yeah, wouldn't that be a great podcast? That would be great. I think that'd be a hell of a podcast. But we don't do that. Well, I agree. I think like, I don't think Twitter is a great place to air your grievances, but that is where we, that's where people get traction. Yeah. That is what free speech has become, right? I mean, and we have to kind of go with that a little bit. Sure. Whether we like it or not, that's just the reality of the times we're living in. If you want something to catch fire,

This is someone who's got credibility as a showrunner, and this is someone who can put their voice out there. I think my thing is, sure, it could bother Dave, but his comics...

My only defense of, I guess, someone like Jacqueline and Dave, too, honestly, you can put whatever you want into the world. Yeah. But then you're also people are angry. So I think that's kind of where I think like people are going to hate our jokes all the time. And that's fucking fine. Yeah. Yeah. You know what happens? They don't come to the shows and we don't have to deal with them. And if they write a nasty tweet, I'll scroll right past it. Right. There you go. The crowd is really the true thing.

results that's like the real barometer the crowd and ticket sales you know so that's what a hack sell out well that's true but people want to see hacks it's like mcdonald's is very successful you know so uh yeah it's just tough it's it's tough because she should have an opinion he can have an opinion and they can both be valid but nobody should be taking things away i just think so much more gets accomplished when people sit down in a room well i do think like

You know, if you sit in a room and you actually look a person in the eye and you see that they're not malicious, I don't think Dave Chappelle is... I don't think Dave Attell is malicious either. Sweet guy. I don't think Dave Chappelle is a malicious human. I don't think so either. From what I get. So...

We talk about intent, and intent matters, I think. Of course. Context matters as well. Sure. I'm with you. And it would be cool if they, I mean, shit, wouldn't that be a great, here's what I say you do if you're smart, Netflix. You ask Dave Chappelle and Jacqueline to sit in a room. You fucking put that on your streamer. That shit's going to be trending worldwide. Now that's big. People are still talking about, it's more buzz for Chappelle's special. You keep this buzz going, and you keep, could be pretty cool. Yeah. Yeah.

It just sucks, you know? Like, he's making jokes, then they're like, he's transphobic. And you're like, he's like, I'm not. So it's almost like two people are arguing two different things. She's like, you're transphobic. He's like, you're not letting me do comedy. And they can't even see that they're arguing two different positions. Does that make sense? I think it's complicated. I do think, you know, like, black people have a fucked up history in America. Trans people are not... They're new.

Well, it's a new thing we're all talking about. There are a lot of prominent black voices in America and there aren't a lot of prominent trans voices in America. That's true, except for Caitlyn Jenner and nobody likes her. Right. It's tough when the main person, you're like, that fucking person, you know? I said person. That fucking they. So my whole thing is like,

Sure, black people have suffered more, but there is an inequality in terms of major trans voices. Yeah, yeah. And there's way fewer of them. Yeah. You know?

So it is tough. It's a tough argument. I just think it's complex. I don't think this is something that can just be summed up easily. Exactly. And guess what's a great place for that? Twitter, a place that doesn't understand nuance. Yeah. Let's bring it to Twitter. Hear, hear. But hey, the truth of it all is that it's just creating buzz for Chappelle. That's true. When you make something controversial, you know, you do, you get eyeballs. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

And the message is, we got to get that famous. So we can't get in trouble. There you go, folks. Yeah, I'll check it out. But check it out. The second half, I think, is masterful storytelling and the whole thing, the delivery. There's a great punch at the end. So give it a whirl. Okay. But he said it's like he's done for a while. I think he's done with Netflix because that was the end of his contract. Oh. Six specials.

Gotcha. I think he meant I'm done with this run. He and Tarantino are going to meet at the bar and just say, we're fucking, we quit. Yeah. Like Tarantino's another guy who people are like, he doesn't use enough of this and he's too violent. And you're like, all right, but we shouldn't get rid of him. Yeah, but no one's saying to get rid of Tarantino. That's the other thing is like, people who are saying it are fucking idiots. I hope so. But my point is just like,

Tarantino should be able to make great movies and people should have the right to criticize them. I agree. Do I fucking like critics? I dislike a lot of them, honestly. Yes, yes. But guess what? We're all critics. I mean, we love movies, all of us, all three of us. We love movies. So we're going to, I just made my point about The Sopranos. I still love David Chase. Yeah. I'm not saying anyone, you know, I'm not even mad at him. I'm like, shit, you're not going to hit a home run every time. Yes. That's part of what making art is.

And that's what the internet is. It's just trash and shit. Yeah. So it just comes with the territory. You want to be a public figure, you're going to get messy. Yeah, dude. Especially if you put out controversial shit. Yeah. Just don't take stuff away. That's all I'm saying. I don't think that's... Look, the second that happens, I will fight like a motherfucker. I'm not worried. I'm more worried about comics like us getting killed...

in social media and the algorithm than i am about a comic who like i'm never gonna worry about i said that on stage this weekend someone yelled out dave got canceled and i said i said he's playing arenas you know how you know dave will be canceled he'll be playing here that's what i said yeah that's good and it fucking got applause because they're like yeah people know that's fucking like your dave is huge huge he won't i'm never worried about dave

Chappelle selling tickets. But what about like they put Seinfeld on Netflix, the TV show, and they took out a few episodes. Which ones they take out? They took out the Puerto Rican Day Parade. They took out a few office episodes. Oh, that's a funny episode, man. I know, but that's what I'm talking about. It's like, where's the line? They took out the Always Sunny Blackface episode. Yes. Which I thought was mocking how offensive Blackface was. So yeah, to me, that's fucked up. That's what I'm talking about. I love the Blackface episode of It's Always Sunny. I think they're mocking it. I found it hilarious. It's a great episode.

I saw Tropic Thunder with a black eye. He was like, that's amazing. So it's just, I hope they don't take that away. Yeah, Tropic Thunder I just watched recently. It's still hilarious. But I watched, yeah, I think Sunny, it's always Sunny is the best comedy of the last 20 years. It's up there. South Park is up there. It's up there, but. Curb's got some moments, but yeah. Sunny is pretty damn consistent. It's great. What is it, 10 years running?

I mean, it's insane that he did that. And also, let's be honest here. It's not really blackface if you go all in. What? It's black body. It's black body. He went black body? Because blackface is a minstrel show, and it was like a making fun of black people with the lips and everything. Well, it was also, the point is that they kept calling it. Also, it's not like they were like, this is cool. He was like, wait, what the fuck are you doing? Like, they were like, this is offensive. That was a joke of the thing. So, yeah.

Yeah, man. I think racism is different. Like, that's what I mean. That's all I'm saying. But, I mean, Danny DeVito did, like, an offensive Native American character. It was funny. It was like, you know, that was the joke. Right. But...

Yeah, I just, I don't look at those people and I'm like, they're racist. No, no. Intent, baby. Intent matters. It's like you said. All right, we got to move on. And also, there's such a thing as satire. Yeah, we fucking... Yes, yes. Is this our worst episode? Did we just fucking... No, no. I think it's relevant with the Chappelle thing. So I think we're all right. You're all right. You're all right. Yeah. And feel free to trash us. The bottom line is, though, we trash ourselves pretty hard in our head. So you can't beat that. But...

All right, here we go. Pet peeve. Yeah. I'm seeing a lot of this nowadays. That sounded like a bad Andy Rooney thing. This really grinds my gears. You ever have people who they're like going off on a tear and they can't make a point, so they just go, you know, it's like that bar right there, you know, it's just not...

You know? No, no, you got to finish it. You tell me, and now you... You want me to side with you when I don't even know what you're saying? Exactly. And you're already asking me for your validation, but I don't even know what your point was. So that's my peeve. Like, you got to figure out your shit before you say you know. Because I don't even know what you're saying. Uh-oh. Sorry. Sam blew his wad there. That was it. There's Andy Rooney.

Yeah, I don't... Finish a thought. Finish a thought. Finish a thought. Like, yeah, I'm not just gonna fucking scoop you up and bail you out of your fucking bomb here. Yeah, yeah. It's too... It's getting too... It's happening all the time. Now that I've called it out, I see it every day. Man, that crackling oat bran, I gotta tell you. Are you gonna try it? You know?

Uh, yeah, I'll try it. Are we doing that for the Patreon? Oh, yeah. I'm excited. I mean, somebody sent us a bunch of cereal. We could do it. We can open each one and really go nuts. Just get fucking fat on cereal. Cereal is like, it's so funny how much of it is just like terrible for you. And that was like our whole childhood. I know. In the morning, too. Let me start you off with a fucking diabetes. That was my peeve. That's a good peeve.

I told you my peeve already. I got a rec for you. All right, hit me. I think this is a good rec. I'm into this. It's kind of vague, but I can give you a few examples. All right. Movie scores. I like to walk around. That's good. I like to walk around and listen to music that doesn't have lyrics so my mind can still kind of wander. And...

Some of them are there's some great movie scores out there that okay first one I'll say is sideways Really one of the best scores ever. I mean you play a thing play uh I mean play Well, yeah, what are like the top songs from that? I don't know every song is great. Yo, it's great score play a little I love a score. They make their own music for a movie. This is both Kent this guy did the He did the intro song for Dexter was the great. Oh, yeah, this guy's incredible. Oh

Oh, we're jazzy. We're getting jazzy. Isn't this fun? I love it. But like there's some songs that are a little slower and kind of heavy. I mean, Sideways is one of my favorite movies. Yeah. I got another one for you. Go to The Shape of Water score. Oh, wow. Whatever you think of that movie, I think it's a good movie, but I know some people hate it. I never saw it. The score's insane. Really? Oh, my God. Beautiful. I mean, it's hard to beat John Williams.

I mean that's a great one. Superman, Indiana Jones, I don't know if he did Back to the Future, Star Wars, Jaws. This is fucking amazing. That's pretty. This is some Philip Glass shit, it feels like. This is a nice score, dude. You just chill late at night walking around the city streets, listening to this shit like this. And it's only instrumental, so there's no lyrics fucking yet. It's kind of eerie. Eerie, nice, I like it. It matches. Isn't it amazing it matched the music with the vibe of the movie? It's incredible.

Yeah, I mean, look. Do you hear that? It sounds like bubbles. Ah. That's good stuff. Did you like that movie or what do you think? Yeah, it's a pretty great movie, yeah. It was good, right? It got over, it got, the problem is like whenever a movie wins best picture, people are like, this one, and you're like, yeah, it's probably not a best picture movie, but it's a good movie. Yeah. That director's incredible, man. What else has he done? Didn't he do Gravity too? What else did he do? Oh, oh, right. South American guy? It's the same guy, look him up. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, he's awesome. I heard him on Fresh Air once and he was cool as shit. Oh, nice. I heard Joaquin Phoenix on a pod once. He said he has no friends. Really? Yeah, he's just like a weird guy. Interesting. I was going to say we were friends, but that's weird. We spoke for 10 minutes once. You wish. Oh, right, he did Pan's Labyrinth. Yeah. Oh, man, this guy's killing it. Hellboy. Oh, they wrote it. Hellboy's good. Hellboy's fun. Well, he wrote all these? Damn. No, he's a beast. He's a...

I like the score, though. That's good. A lot of good scores out there. Let me think what else. I mean, there's so many, man. Hans Zimmer. He's a big one. You know who's got a great score? Fargo, man. Ooh. Throw that Fargo score up there. Yeah, hold on. But it's something about a score that will put you fucking... Score is big. Good strip club.

I also like, too, in a Scorsese movie, when they have those oldies that are just pitch perfect, like walking through the kitchen. Yeah, the stones. Walking through the kitchen, they have the rondelles or whoever the hell it is. So good. Oh, Mr. Postman. Yeah. And then he kissed me. It just works. Some guy's getting his face stomped in. Right. Right.

This is a good score, Jack. Yeah. For a little bit of money. See, this is why I can never make a movie. Because if somebody came to me with a bad score, I'd be like, all right, we'll use it. You know? I could never go, you put all these strings together and shit. I can't say no to this. It's like the rainbow trout. Yeah. Yeah.

Gotta be a bigger dick, Mark. I guess so. This is a fucking score. Wow. I think Fargo is like, that's like top ten movies. Oh, yeah. Who is it? Who's the score guy? Mark Allen. Yeah, look up who that score is.

Carter Burwell. Carter Burwell. Man. This is Matt Peters in the booth. What do you think? This is powerful. It's good, right? Do you like Fargo, too? I think that's definitely the comb-loaded best movie. I think Old Country. No Country. Over Fargo? No Country.

I don't know. Fargo's got better characters, and it's got more comedy in it. I love No Country, too, but I gotta rewatch. Yeah, it is. Man, Joaquin is scary as fuck. Not Joaquin, Javier Bardem. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's The Mohicans. I don't know the score. I've never seen it, actually. Really? Is it good? Slow, but... Daniel Day-Lew.

Ooh, this is pretty good. You're reminding me of the Fargo line. Somebody told me to listen to scores while you write. Because there's no lyrics and it's like uplifting. It makes your brain kind of light up. But the part has got a fun score, too. Kind of Irish-y like this, right? Yeah. It's making me think of that. Dropkick Murphys. Yeah. No, but it's not that one. It's... Fuck, there's a... There's...

I forgot what it's called. I think it's called like Cops and Criminals or something. I forgot that the part is fun, though. What other podcast goes from serial... Top one? ...to fucking movie scores, huh? We got range. I don't know. Yeah, the part is fucking good. Yeah, it's fun. Ooh, that is good. Ooh.

Man, The Departed's so fucking fun. It's a fun movie. You just want to see Irish guys beating people up and doing bad shit. Nicholson was a little over the top, but you love him because he's Nicholson. But it worked. Who cares? He's fucking great. You let it go. Alec Baldwin's awful Boston accent, who's still hilarious. He has a bitch tit sweat, too, in one of the scenes on his dress shirt. I love that. Nice touch. How's your father? Tied from fucking my mother.

What a weird thing to say about your parents. Yeah. Oh, damn. There's so many good scenes in that. Oh, yeah. Vera Farmiga. Yeah, she's hot. She was something in that. Oh, yeah. There's a great G-string shot in that movie that I've replayed a few times at the old Casa. Yeah.

That was a big thing back in the day, like rewinding tits. Yeah, well, it's because we didn't have the same options. Exactly. You know, now you can just see, you can see a guy get like a cucumber stuck up his ass. You're kind of like, yeah, fine. But back in the day, you had to fucking, you'd have to be like, all right, fucking Faye Dunaway again. Yeah. I'm jerking off the network. This is few and far between. We got to live through here. We watched Basic Instinct over and over. You can see on the tape, it had like little

Little lines on it from the wear and tear. Dude. Everyone talks about Sharon Stone, but that G.N. Triple Horn. G.N. Triple Horn. Oh, look her up. She's fucking hot as shit. Also a great slur for a Jew. Triple Horn. Triple Horn. Triple Horn. He's super Jewish. Ah.

I feel like I'm Mark's token Jew that he gets to get away with this shit. I feel like Mark needs me here to make that shit. I do, yeah. Wilsa Vince is my token black. I say horrible shit around Wilsa Vince. He loves it. Oh, I love him. Oh, I don't know. She's a little squinty for me. Oh, she's hot. A little suck on a lemon mug. Yeah. But, you know, wouldn't throw out of bed for eating crackers. What the fuck does that mean? That's an old saying. Throw out of bed for eating crackers. I don't know.

I think that's a saying, right? It definitely is. All right, I didn't make that up. It's good. I've never heard it. It's pretty good. Oh, you see? This is what guys do. You can buy this for $13. Some psycho bought that thing. How much does it cost to ruin it? I'll tell you. Ha ha ha.

I'll tell you, man. You better put it behind glass. Yeah, Basic Instinct was a big one. I'll tell you what was a big one. Wild Things. I remember it was at the video store with my mom and dad. And I grabbed the VHS and I put it on the thing. And my dad just goes, no. That's a good dad.

I was like a 13-year-old kid ready to jerk off to Denise Richards and Neve Campbell making out. You know, it was a sleeper with species. Species. Species. Natasha Henstridge. Yes. You put it on the counter. Your mom's like, oh, some sci-fi horse shit. Here we go. Then you get home. You're like, ah!

Look at this lady. Damn, that's what they were doing. They were trying to get kids. Isn't that crazy? So was Epstein. Nine and a half. Oh, my God. How about nine and a half weeks? Oh, yeah. A little too much food, though. I get it. I get it. A little too little Mickey Rourke, if you catch my drift. Oh, yeah, dude. Neve Campbell. Fuck you, Dad. Oh, yeah. What's her name? Denise Richards. Hachi Machi. I've done them both. Damn.

Damn. Kevin Bacon's dong in this movie, too. Decent dong. Yeah, he's got a nice piece on him. Can we get a shot of the dong? Nah, that's not good. We're gonna get kicked off YouTube. We're gonna get thrown off YouTube for that. It was on YouTube. Yeah, they don't have dong on YouTube. Now we gotta go to the dark web to get some of Kevin Bacon's piece. Let's just say Keira Sedgwick is a very lucky lady. Yes. Six inches of Kevin Bacon. Oh, man. Side can. Damn. You know who hates internet porn is Mr. Skin.

Hates it? Oh wow, he lost his whole biz, did he not? Mm-hmm. Damn, Mr. Skin was a legend though. Oh yeah. Yeah, he broke the mold. Alright, we gotta wrap this thing up here, folks. Shit. We've been rolling. I know, we were just getting our jizz bubbling. What do you got, you got a bit? Yeah, I got a bit. Alright, hit me quick. Let me see what I got. Yeah, I don't have much good stuff. Let me see what I have. Let's see what I got.

This is probably nothing. This hit last night at New Jokes. There might be some legs here. But I was reading this article about sex robots, and it said they're just the real thing. Is that what you want? Oh, yeah. Is that what you want is a sex robot, and the second you're done, they're like, no, it's great that you came. And then it just landed the whole time. The sex robot was like, no, it's fine. It's fine. Yeah, sex robots, where do you want to eat? I don't know. What do you want? I don't know. Whatever you want. Yeah.

Yeah. That's funny. It hit on new jokes. And then Will Silvins said he would fuck a sex robot. And it got weird. He was ripping about it. He said, I would fuck a sex robot with you. And I was like...

I would think, would you ever do it? I would do it as a goof, you know? I'm not into it at all. I don't get it. It's a hard goof, though. It's hard to be like, gotcha, and your girlfriend sees it there. If somebody gave me one, I would fuck it once and then hate myself, you know, and put it in the dishwasher. But I think another funny thing is you could walk in, the sec robot's like, uh...

That's what you're wearing? Where'd you get that shirt? You're like, ah, fuck. It's not my favorite outfit. Yeah, what Funny Will said, everyone's talking about fleshlights. And I was like, by everyone, do you mean the two comics that are lingering outside the club tonight? I don't think everyone is. I think we hang out with a shady class of character. Yeah, yeah. I don't think my dad is talking about fleshlights. No, that's true.

I also, I have my hand. I don't know. I never got the fleshlight thing. I gotta fuck this thing? I don't know. Yeah. I guess that's not true. I used to fuck my bed and my couch. Well, I think they probably feel better. I don't know. Maybe, but then you gotta see it after. And then you reuse it. Yeah. It's weird to have, like, it's one thing to have marijuana paraphernalia, but to have, like, dick paraphernalia. Right. Like, this is, this might be, I might be going down a dark road here. Yeah. Even, like, a lady thing.

I get it, you know, but a dick, your dick was in there, then you jizz in it. I don't know. It just feels a little rank, a little dirty. Like not dirty as in metaphorically dirty, but like literally gross. It's got sticky shit in it.

But I think that's funny. Mike Cannon used to have a bit about cleaning the fleshlight. Oh, there you go. You never think about having to clean it. Exactly. It's a good point. Yeah, you're just laying next to it like, oh. It's like with a woman, like a one-night stand. Oh, that's another funny thing. The only difference between a sex robot and the real thing is these are a lot easier to get rid of. Oh, that's good. Uh-huh. Yeah, the fleshlight is... Isn't that batteries? I don't think it has batteries. What is it? It's just a tube with a pussy in it? I think it's a tube, I think. I think it's gas-powered.

Oh, my God. Nice queef. Yeah. Yeah. I like it. I think there's a lot there. The sex role. Yeah, that's funny. It's a funny angle, but it's harder to... Yeah.

That's the upside. You throw a sex robot out a window, you're going to get some dirty looks. Right, right. You throw a flashlight, no one's going to really notice. Yeah, I used to have an old bit that never worked about sex robots. They're easy to get rid of, but it's almost more embarrassing to throw a fake woman in a dumpster. You're like, oh, I'm a serial killer. Because you don't want people to know it's a sex robot. It never hit. That's funny. I thought it was something. What do you got? All right, how about this one? So...

I was in Tennessee and there was like a gender neutral bathroom protest. You know, people are like, it's a man and a woman bathroom. I don't want this. I don't want to shit next to a trans person. And I thought, hey, I don't want to shit next to a trans person either, but I don't want to shit next to anybody. Shitting is embarrassing. Yeah, it's not about the trans. It's about the body. Exactly. And then I say, I do like two bathrooms, but I think we should go bathroom for pissing, bathroom for shitting.

That's the split. Because I don't mind shitting next to a trans person if they're also shitting. That's really what it comes down to. And then I talk about how we all talk about our differences all day. Women would never go for this, though. No.

Oh, you might be right. Women would never go for the Egan shit. I mean, who do you think came up with like Poop Marie and the pooping with a candle? It wasn't a man. We're not that considerate. Gender neutral bathrooms, we're shitting together anyway. That's gender neutral. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Yeah. Oh, I see. I see. Yeah. I was thinking of like the men's and women's. Right. Yeah.

But the point is, all we talk about is our differences. I'm black, I'm white, I'm gay, I'm trans, I'm queer. What about the fact that we all shit? Let's come together on that. You're black, I'm white, but we're all making the brown. Oh. All right. Is that horrible? You turned Salakius off. I know. Man, he went green on me. We all poop. We all poop. That was a children's book. Everybody poops. That's right. Everybody poops.

Sometime. I don't know. It's a fun idea. The shitting. The only issue I have with it is that if you're doing gender neutral bathrooms, aren't those usually one-offs? No. The bathroom at my pizzeria is a mixed bathroom. It just has stalls. That's what I've seen. And guys and gals and trans and anybody can go in it at any time. You just pick your stall. Yeah. So you could be shitting next to a woman or a trans man. How do you feel about that, man? I don't.

I like my bathrooms on my only. Me too. Especially for a poop. You just want an alone poop. I think that's Mark's point maybe. Also, I don't like zipping up. I walk out zipping up and I'm seeing like women in front of me. It's strange for me. Yeah, it's weird. It's awful. You got to take your pants back off and start jerking off again. That must be terrible for you. But that's my point. It's like you want to shit with people who are also shitting at least. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. It's like...

We all shit. We all pee. Hmm. Maybe there's nothing here. Did it play? It's hitting. Yeah, it's hitting. Does the brown line hit? That hits, but that reaction makes me want to quit comedy. So who knows? The brown. We all do it. We should come together on that instead of how different we are.

Because to me, the embarrassing thing is the shitting. No one wants to come together. No one on Fox News is going to be like, guys, I know that the country's going through some hard times, but come on, we all poop. Yeah. You'll never hear Tucker be like, we poop. Come on. And it doesn't, you got Italian food, Mexican food. It all comes out the same. You know, we're all the same. You got something here. Uh-huh. It all comes out the same. Right. Yeah, no matter what you're eating. Right.

It comes out the same. Cultures, ethnicities, customs, but it's all the same color in the end. We're all the same. And the poo is a symbol of that. I don't want to do a full on shit chunk here. It'd be funny if this turned really preachy. He was like, guys, we're poop. Yeah. That's America. Oh, yeah. And I'm corny. All right. All right. Where are we going? I'm already late.

I'm all over the fucking place, dude. Where are you going to be? I'm going to be, uh, where am I going to be? Uh, Chicago, I think is already sold out. Ooh. We're not adding any though. That's nice. Yeah, that's going to be nice. Denver. I need you guys there. Not sold out yet. I'd love to, it's doing fine, but I would like to sell that out. Phoenix, uh, San Francisco, Cobbs, uh,

We got Dallas. Nice. We got possibly Miami. Charlotte. It should be up soon. Charlotte Comedy Zone. Good room. Yeah. Sam Earl dot com slash shows. Chickadee. Check that shit out.

yeah i gotta give a shout out to nashville by the way uh just a great club zany's lucy was awesome she's she's great caleb signing opened i mean just oh yeah he's a beast yeah killer under rate like a sleeper everybody talking about denver and and uh madison i feel like denver madison are fucking incredible though yeah all right dr grins coming up in michigan portland oregon at helium laugh boston can't wait brea california vancouver at the house of

comedy new orleans i gotta get to vancouver man beautiful city that's one of the best cities are they weird with the border stuff or what oh i don't know i've been there before it was fine i just feel like during covid oh yeah good point shit i gotta get vexed royal oak uh atlanta bucket theater driver's license because you can travel to canada without a passport if you what i gotta get that because i forget the passport every time get that shit dude all right what was the last one atlanta

Oh yeah, the theater. Buckhead Theater. Oh, and Milwaukee we added. Milwaukee's got an improv now. I didn't even know that. Yeah, I heard. I heard it's good. Oh yeah. I think Soder's there this weekend. Oh, beautiful. Oh, shout out to Jeffrey Awesomest who featured in Indianapolis in his murdering. Funny, funny dude. At Chicago. Oh, okay. I think he won funniest guy in Madison. I could be wrong. But hey, good times. Keep drinking.

Subscribe to the Patreon. Email us. WeMightBeDrunkPod at gmail.com. And the Patreon is patreon.com slash WeMightBeDrunkPod. Yeah. Questions, drinks, peeves, tips, movies, wrecks, whatever you got. Sally, thank you, man, on the ones and twos. Sorry this got heavy at times. I thought it was good. We're dissecting. We're discussing. No one's discussing. Thank you. Thank you.