Ep 44: Placenta on Ice
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We might be drunk. We might be drunk. As long as we are hanging out, you know we might be drunk. Raise a glass, let's talk shit. Pep heaps, wrecks, and a bit. Maybe drunk. We might be drunk. Yeah. We're back. Yeah.

What's up, guys? Happy to be here. Hell yeah. I don't know what we're drinking again. I kind of like the surprise element. Yes. I mean, you did bring booze, so you know what ballpark we're in. You told me to bring the airplane bottles, and then I was looking at the handle. Uh-huh. But then, like, the handle's not a good look for the bar. The handle doesn't look like a cool... It looks like you have a problem. Yeah, handle's bad. The only thing worse than a handle is a plastic handle.

You know the jug when you put that fucking drum of hooch on the table? Nothing worse. Well, you know why? Because I think it's just because economical is not sexy. That's true. Bulk is not sexy. It's not. Why is that? What's wrong? I guess you got a big container of, you know, that yellow popcorn. What is that shit? Like the sweet popcorn? Kettle corn. It's a bad look. But if you got a nice little one, you know, at the movies, it's cute. It's unsexy to plan.

Women want you to plan, but if you plan too much, it's unsexy, I think. Interesting, interesting. Women don't like it, but they also kind of like it, I think, if a guy's like, let's play it by ear. That's true, that's true. They like a guy with a plan, but spontaneous is sexy. Spontaneous is sexy. Yeah. Because it feels like you're overthinking a little bit. Right, right. And you're quick on your feet if you're spontaneous. And what about that grasshopper and the ant? Right.

Remember that old fable from the sea? Yeah, how does that go again? The grasshopper is putting acorns in the hut all day in his little cave, and the ant's going, ah, blow me, you queef. We're going to live it up this winter. Yeah, it was Aesop. He was a homophobe or whatever, but he was like... By the way, everybody you look at, like Roald Dahl was a rabid anti-Semite, but... He could visualize a giant peach in a chocolate factory, but not that Jews were equal for some reason. Yeah, exactly. So, uh...

Also, who's gonna finance the factory? But we'll get to that later. Also, Aesop, who was running fables other than Aesop? That guy had a fucking... He got all of them. There's Mother Goose, but I don't know what happened to her. She's kooky. But either way, the grasshopper stored all the nuts and the fruits and the veggies or whatever, and the ant, the winner came, and the ant was like, can I stay with you? I forgot to save. And he was like, I told you. So that's that. The grasshopper opened a Trader Joe's. Yeah.

Remember Trader Ming? That was a whole thing. Did we lose Matt here? Oh, God. We lost Matt. Matt? Are we still running here? He was slowing us down. He's dead weight. No, I'm just kidding. Hey, you're back. All right. Did we get all that? Okay, good. Probably we were in NASA going there. We lost Houston. There's no memory card stressing me out. That's what I said.

Speaking of, remember the movie Apollo 13? That's what I was referencing. That was like... Great movie. It was great. And great R.I.P. Bill Paxton, great actor. Oh, yeah, yeah. Weird that he's dead. I know. Because he was kind of just low-key good in everything. I know. I hate that I just said low-key. He was high-key good. Yes. What is low-key? Fuck low-key. Everyone knows he's good. Everything's low-key. That's another one. Sleeper. He's Sleeper, a good actor. You're like, no, he's a good actor.

We're aware he's a good actor. Yeah, he made a career at acting. He was rich from acting. He was the president in Independence Day, for Christ's sake. That's back when movies, that was like right before, no, it's Bill Pullman you're thinking. Ah!

- Oh, they're the same person, let's be honest. - Will Pullman was the president in so many movies. - He's such a white guy with a full head of hair, president look. Him in a suit looks like the real deal. - He was like right before they started only casting black men as presidents. - Yes, right before. - Right before like 24 and Deep Impact. - Exactly, yeah, but that had a black lead. That was like Will Smith, you know, black lead, black family, black star.

And you got a little Judd Hirsch in there for your people. They threw a little Judd Hirsch in. Ordinary People, was that the one? Oh, yeah. That was the one. Yeah, Timothy Hutton won the Oscar. Yeah, and he was in Taxi, of course. Taxi. I gotta watch Taxi. Oh, Taxi's great. Okay, I'll watch it. I mean, that is a classic comedy. DeVito, Tony Danza, Mary Lou Henner. Christopher Lloyd is amazing. Love Christopher Lloyd. Yeah, I gotta watch. Everyone tells me it's great.

And it's like all those Simpsons writers. Exactly. Yeah. I got to watch it. That's big stuff. Yeah. I hope you're getting a shot of this, Matthew, because this is. What are we doing here? I want to know. The beer Jew. I picked up gin. I'm in the store. Yeah. It is weird because I went during the day. It is weird when you see the regulars in the liquor store during the day. I saw a guy having a casual conversation. You're like, ooh, I do not want to be that guy. No. That's a bad. You want to walk in and be like, oh, we've never met you. You're like, damn right you haven't.

I'm not a... It's like Norm from Cheers. Hey, Sam! You want the usual? Oh, my God! Garnish. This looks like a smoothie, a Hawaiian thing. I can't tell if it's frothy. Is that a raspberry? What the fuck? So today we're having the Clover Club. It's an old school pre-prohibition drink with gin, raspberry syrup, lemon, and...

Egg white. Egg who? Yeah, egg white. Egg white! Mark wanted an egg white drink and we already did the whiskey sour, so I went a little fancy. I'm slipping off the chair, I'm so wet. I had two drinks I got to sell in Manila, I'll tell you. I thought I got these aborted. All right. Not in Texas. Oh my God, Beer Jew has done it again. I was just in Texas. Oh yeah. I was in Texas one night for a week. Hold on.

- Interesting. - Whoa! - That's really good. - That's amazing. - These are the dangerous ones where you can't, like you get a little bit of that sharp alcohol, but it's pretty smooth, man. - That was actually really strong. That has three ounces of gin per drink. - Oh, gee, I got the hog out here. I'm driving the hog tonight.

That's his way of saying he's jacking off in public. You drove here on the scooter. You didn't see it out there? No. I hope nobody yanked it already. It's another way of talking about his dick. I hope that guy yanked it. No, I hope no one stole it, but I locked it up. You locked it up?

Does that stress you out, though? A little. I've had so many things stolen from me as a child that it's like a triggering thing. I'm always looking out the window of my apartment. I can see it on the sidewalk. And you've been robbed. I've been robbed so many times. Like in New York, even, though. Yes, yes, exactly. And the tow truck guys are robbers. They'll swoop in like a bat out of the hell or whatever it is that the phrase. Bat out of the hell. Those guys are so stealthy. Stealthy. Low-key, a pretty good word. Ha, ha, ha.

No, what? Sleeper. Dude, I was just in Texas and Austin. Good time. We had a good time. I think it's the last festival I ever do. Oh, really? I'm kind of done with festivals. Same, same. They're fun. You just black out every night, eat like shit, and you get a 10-minute set. At least you did some hours. Yeah, I only did hours. That's good. Yeah. Um.

You get the meal, you get to hang out with Soder and all these guys, and you're at a diner and a barbecue. Yeah, I had a good time. Dana Gould and Bobcat made a movie called Joyride. It's really good. It's coming out next month. Look out for it. Interesting. It's really funny. It's about how they used to hate each other in the 90s, and now they're best friends. Whoa. I'll watch the hell out of that. It's really good. Really good. And it's a little doc. Yeah, we saw it in the theater. They did a Q&A. It was fun. Man, I'm in.

And Bobcat, sweetest guy, ghouled, funniest guy, I'm sold. And Bobcat, low-key great director.

He really is. He's also, he is really funny, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I worked on a show with Dana Gould for seven months, and it was the first time we met. That's crazy. We did it every day on Zoom, because it was New York, LA during the pandemic. That's so crazy, because you have the Zoom barrier, and then you have to get to know each other on Zoom and work together. Yeah, but then when you end up just becoming like pals, he's the best, he's awesome. When you see him in real life, is it like...

Oh my God. Is it, is it love? Yeah. That's nice. That's nice. Blaine Kapach. Super funny guy. One of the, apparently like the best guy in a writer's room. Oh, I mean, I follow him on Twitter. They're gold. Every joke, every tweet is gold. Zinger after zinger puns, misdirect. He's got them all. I don't know why he's not bigger. Maybe he doesn't get up. He's a, he's a huge, a very sought after writer. Oh, he's a sought after writer. Okay. I think he used to go on. Really funny standup. He still goes on. Oh, he does. Yeah. Okay. Um,

told me this amazing story i don't know if this is okay to share but i don't know why it wouldn't be it seemed like a pretty lay it on me lay it on you all right it was just about martin it seems like a story that's out there but he said you know i was talking about how i love martin short and he just said one time at a party he just walked in and made eye contact with him and just started doing gags like only for him like walked over to the bar and started taking the wine bottle and going oh

And he's like a Buster Keaton type where he can do physical comedy. Sure. So he's shaking the wine. He's shaking the glasses. And it's like two minutes of just physical comedy only for him. He's like, that's how he is. Wow. He just cannot be hilarious. I love it. I mean, he's a national treasure, that guy. Well, Canadian. But national. He's the best. I mean, as a kid, I worshipped Martin Short.

- Yeah. - His old SCTV is SNL stuff, Three Amigos. - Three Amigos. - What's the one where he goes in a little pod and they go into his body? Oh, Innerspace! - I never saw that one. - Give it a goog, and he's in Clifford. - I never saw Clifford. - Oh, he's great in Clifford! - He's amazing. - He's great. - What up? - Hey, I'll toast to Short. - Short, yeah. - Man, this drink is good. - It's good. - What up, where were you? - The frothy is so nice. - Where were you over the weekend? - Mm-mm-mm.

I was in Providence, Rhode Island. Smallest state in the nation. That's a good club, yeah. Great club. Not a hiccup. Not a problem. Every show sold out. No hecklers. I couldn't believe it. Because that can be like a townie room. You know what I mean? It is. It is. But they're good people. You get like some diehard people might drive from Boston. It is weird because it's like it's in between Boston and New York basically. Right. Right.

It's in between two bigger cities. Exactly. And it's a small estate. But I got to say, I don't know about living there, but for a weekend, it's like a perfect town. Most places are perfect for three nights. That's a good point. But it was clean, and I walked around. I went to Brown University, and it was beautiful. And there's a farmer's market and all this shit. And the river's running right through. There's a guy with the gondola, the Italian guy. In Rhode Island? Yeah, because it's so Italian.

Damn. It's mob run, which... Yeah. These mob run cities. Say what you will about the wise guys, but they clean the town up. Yeah. Apparently Vegas ran way more smooth. That's what I heard. When the mob was in charge. Yeah. I mean, look, they could also throw you in the ocean or bury you up to your neck in the desert, but...

You know. They kill a few people who owe money. Overall, it helps the local economy. Exactly. Hear, hear. Hear, hear. To the mob. To the mob. Speaking of. Don't kill us. By the time this comes out, we're recording this one earlier in the week. By the time this comes out, the many saints of Newark will be out. Ooh.

You know I'm fired up. That trailer, I was jerking it. I mean, that is like my cup. That fucking 70s gritty look. I love that shit. Love David Chase. And we got a Paul Thomas Anderson coming out. Movies are popping again. Maybe we can get rid of Captain America's queefy ass and get back to some cinema.

Yeah, Scorsese really went to town on the Avengers. And the nerds, they revolted. I loved it. I loved when he was going to the... And I have no beef with these superhero movies, but at a certain point, we got enough. It just turns into a cash grab. Completely. Once we've gotten to Hawkeye as a series, let's maybe hold off. I know! Hawkeye? What are we doing? Here comes Anal Fisher. How many

How low are we going to go? Hawkeye? What are we doing here? Although I do hear the new one that Ronnie Chang is in is great. Oh, well, we love Ronnie. People are saying that's great. Okay, I don't know that one. What's it called? Shang-Chi? Oh, geez, you nailed that. It's supposed to be great. All right. I haven't heard one person say a bad thing about it.

All right. But that's like the Black Panther for Asians. Good point. They need at least one. Come on. Yeah, that's true. But then it turns into this extended universe shit. And then if we're doing an extended universe, Sopranos is the one. Oh.

Oh, you got that right. We're like Star Wars nerds, but for Sopranos. Yeah, dude. Exactly. 98% audience score. But the difference is there is a mob. There is Italian people. There are, you know, crimes that happen. So at least it's somewhat based on reality. This is an Asian guy whose hands turned to fire, apparently. But this is supposed to be the good one. All right, all right. I'm just saying, look, I'm sure it's great. Don't turn on the good one. But like even Batman, you got Christopher Nolan. You got, what's the other guy with the voice?

Bale. Bale. And there's a new one with Robert Pattinson. Is there? Be Batman, it's called. Nolan? I feel like Robert Pattinson might have gotten... I know he's rich, but that guy might have gotten fucked because he's in a Nolan movie, Tenet, which is a huge movie, and it comes out during the pandemic. Bombed. Yeah. It's a movie theater movie that came out during a pandemic, and now he's in the Batman, which is like...

No Nolan. Well, no Nolan, but it's still a pandemic. These are movie theater movies. Ah, yeah. No one's going out. That's tough. But maybe they're just not... I don't know if that one... I feel like a lot of these movies are coming out on HBO Max. Yeah, that's the move now. But I think if they do put this out in theaters, I bet people will see it. This is like the true test. Batman, a new Batman, come on. I wonder if he'll be good. Because now with the hair, I'm like, is this like emo Batman? What the hell are they doing? No, he was already getting too emotional. Yeah.

Do you like the Nolan Batmans? I do, just because Nolan's so good and they're so well done. But I like the 60s. I like Adam West. I want to go all the way back. I like them. It was a little tongue-in-cheek. They're like, watch out there, Robin. That lady's all tied up or whatever. And she was tied up, and it was kind of hot. It was fun, and Robin was super gay, and they have tights on. And now he's bi. And now he's bi.

Which is great. Go nuts. Go nuts. But I just liked it was silly. You know, bam, pow, Batman. Now it's like everybody's got a bone to pick and an ax to grind and they hate their dad and they're in a protest. It sucks. Can I give you my rec for this week early? Oh, that was quick. Because we're talking about.

I feel like it fits what you're talking about because it goes against... Everything is so brooding and dark that now something bubbly and light almost feels edgy. Oh, well said. The fact that everything is like, and then I cheated and stabbed someone. It's like everything now. So my rec is...

A heartwarming show on Apple called Ted Lasso. Oh, man. You're the 18th guy to recommend that today. For a reason. All right. All right. I'm like you. When four people wreck a show, I'm like, maybe I'll watch it. When 12, I'm like, eat shit. Exactly. That's so true. Because then it feels like homework. Yeah, exactly. Now I've got to watch it. I will say, after the pilot, I was like, I don't know. After two or three episodes, I was like, this is fucking good.

All right. Well, it feels like America is craving this because I watched the pilot and I was like, all right, he's super dopey and likable. The pilot's whatever. Here's what's great about the show is that every character has depth. As the show goes on, you can give an episode to any character, almost in the way that any character on The Wire could have an episode. Right. And it's as different from The Wire as it gets. My only issue with the show is like...

It's so heartwarming that sometimes the cynic in me is like, all right. Yeah, that's how I get it. There's one episode where one of the soccer players is, it's about a football coach who knows nothing about the football team. Basically, he's being set up to fail by the owner who just had a divorce. Mm-hmm.

And her husband loved nothing more than the team. So she's trying to purposely destroy the team by bringing in an American football coach, our football. That's good. But he's got a lot of buzz, but he doesn't know soccer and he takes the job. So it's kind of like a major league-esque plot. I got a good premise. But... And he's all shucks-y and likable and stupid. It's Ned Flanders coaching a football team, baby. And he's got the mustache. Perfect way to put it. I'll say this, man.

There's one episode where I'm just like, there's a couple moments where you're like, all right, dude. Or like there's a soccer, one of the soccer players on a dating app and all the teammates are around him and he's like, she answered. And you're like, you guys are knee deep in poon. You're pro athletes. Shut the fuck up. That's ridiculous. Other than that.

It is truly a unique show, which is rare now. I've heard so much. Sudeikis is great. He's great. And there's a guy who plays Roy Kent, who's the best character on the show. Okay. He's like the tough aging star.

All right, got it. He's past his prime. He's angry. He's got issues. He's fucking hilarious. Kind of like a Rip Torn. Yeah, but he's still playing soccer. Oh, okay, okay. I can't picture Rip Torn as a footballer. Good point, good point. But he was a bar brawler back in his day, apparently. Oh, dude, Rip Torn on Larry Sanders. Oh, the man. He's the best. Thank you, Beer Jew. But I will check out Ted Lasso on your rec. You're the 19th guy. Give it...

Three episodes. I'll give it three. And if you're not satisfied, then bail. All right. All right. And I hate when people say that shit. Yeah. All right. But with this one, it is true.

All right, low key. We'll see what happens. I'll try it. I'll try it. I do need a new show, and I'm burning through everything, and everybody loves it. I think they just won an Emmy, if I'm not mistaken. Seven. Seven? Yeah. Jesus Christ. It made me get Apple. I was like, fuck it all. And then now that I have Apple, I'm like, shit, I'll try the morning show. What the hell? I mean, now that I have it, I'm like, yeah, what the hell? Yeah, Aniston's still holding up. Yeah, it's not bad. I watched the-

First step. It's not bad. Wow, they got you. This is like a game plan. There's some big guy in a suit up in a boardroom with a skyscraper going, all right, we'll get Ted Lasso, we'll rip Sam Murill in, we'll rope him in, and then boom, we'll get him on The Morning Show, and the rest is history. Well, I'll say this about...

One other thing that bugs me about it, there is so much Apple product placement. Like I'll watch other shows and it's like, you know, when you're watching another show and the texts are just coming in like on the screen. Yeah. This one, it's always on an Apple. The phone's always ringing. It's the Apple ring.

Jesus Christ. Is it ever enough? At one point you expect them to be like updating new. And you're like, ooh, this update's pretty good right here. I will say, I feel like this heartwarming thing is good. We need it right now. But I worry it's going to become a trend. Everything does. Everything becomes a trend. And then it'll swing back. Then it'll swing back. But it's going to be four years of this. But right now it's like when the country is this divided. Right.

A heartwarming show is actually, it actually is nice. It is very nice. We need it. I don't watch anything else like this. So to me, it's refreshing. Good point. But if we get heartwarming and porn, I'm moving to Canada. I'm going to Afghanistan. I'm going to Kabul. I'm not going to have better porn in Kabul. Ah, good point. Good point. All right. I'm going to Mexico. I'll see a donkey show. You go to Kabul to detox. Now I jerk off with my thoughts. This is crazy. And no alcohol. You know, the thing about porn stars is, uh,

Because athletes now, there's this whole pushback against the vaccine. Really? Yeah, well, Kyrie Irving is unvaccinated. And so is Andrew Wiggins, who plays for the Warriors. So you can't play home games because California and New York are states you need to be vaccinated. So I'm sure they'll end up getting it eventually. But it made me think about porn stars. You know there's a porn star out there who, because I'm sure they're doing some porn sets, you've got to be vaxxed to be on the set. Oh.

We're doing everything. You've got to be vaxxed, right? Don't you think there's someone who's not going to disclose their status? Where they're just like, yeah, I'll take two cocks at a time, but vaccine status, that's personal. Right. I'm sure that's already happened. I'm sure. Yeah, that's true. Well, I think they have to get STD tests. Sure. So like, hey, what's the difference? You want that needle, you got to get that needle. Yeah, porn stars, man.

They're interesting because they're like us. You know, they're insecure. They're putting their life on the line out there. I've never looked in the mirror shirtless and been like, you know, I'm just like a porn star. Well, not that, but I think you could do a decent porno. Really? Yeah. Have you ever watched a video of yourself doing it? Oh, once, and I threw the computer out the window. They're performers. It's different. That's true. They know how to make it look good. That's true. You watch one, the lighting's bad. You're just like staying in one place. Right. This is not good.

It's like when you see those old vaudeville style, like Jerry Lewis goes on, he's like, how you doing folks? And then right when he walks off stage, he's like, give me a say. It's like Krusty the Clown, you know? He hits a lady, kicks a kid in the face and he's like, ah, where's my plane? You know? I feel like they must be like that because they have to act

sexual all the time and we have to act funny. Do you even feel confident going into acting auditions? Oh, God, no. Well, then where do you get off thinking that you could do a porno that's good? Well, I'm saying you could do one. You're like a swarthy guy, tall. I feel like you could knock one out, but I'm not saying become a porn actor. Yeah, I don't think it's going to happen. All right. All right. Well, we're all waiting for it.

Maybe one will get leaked. How would... Jeez, now you're scaring me. No, you're fine. But yeah, man.

That is a weird career. I know what you mean, though. It's like in terms of comparing them to us, it's like it's freelance. Their parents are probably not thrilled. True. Yes. And they don't know when the next gig is coming. Right. Right. Yeah. And just like me, I don't want them to see me live. I'm like, my mom's like, I'm coming to the show. I'm like, no, no, you're going to hate it.

20 minutes on clits. Like, what are we doing here? But I don't know. I think there's similar strippers too. I see a stripper and I go, I relate. You're working it. You're trying to get some cash. You're using what you got to get by in life. Maybe you have no skills.

Similar. Yeah. And just like strippers, like when someone tells you to do your thing off the clock, go fuck yourself. Exactly. Tell me a joke, right? Yeah. All right, dude. The only difference is no one has ever said I'm paying for college with comedy. That's never gone the other way.

That's true. Comedy. Yeah, I'm just trying to become a doctor through these open mics at a taco shop. Did you go to college? I did. Where'd you go? Oh, you went to Tulane for a minute. For a year and a half, and then I went to NYU. What? Yeah. That's a great list. Is it? Or great credits and resume. And I went to Columbia for one term because you go anywhere when you were displaced from Katrina, so I was just like, yeah, fuck it.

Fuck it. Took a film class. Yeah. Columbia is beautiful. I used to temp up there for like a year. It was beautiful. It's beautiful. I mean, it's a mile up. I used to hand up flyers there for hours. I remember just like...

Just handing out the comedy flyers. And like when you handed out flyers in Times Square, it was okay because there were so many people at the time would just move. But when you're doing it up by Columbia, no one, it's like a very desolate area. It is, yeah. It's a weird New York area. It's like 200 and something, right? No, it's in the early low hundreds. 112. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, sorry. I think there's an office up in two something. But yeah, I didn't know you were walking around with a stack of books at NYU. I had no idea. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, it's not really, it's not like a stack of books, really. Well, you know what I mean? You were a student. Yeah. That's crazy. I had no idea. Really? I've told you this before. I mean, NYU, that's like hard to get into. I wonder if they help the locals out. You know, they go, hey, you live here. I transferred in, so I think it's easier. Because I was like, I'll go to New Orleans. I'm like, I can't live in the South. I know. You got the fuck out of there. I was like, Katrina, too, is like a different...

Katrina, like I went, I saw, I remember seeing a therapist there. We have those? I didn't even know that. Dude, it was at, he was a therapist like in the hospital at the Ninth Ward. Wow. So he was like, it was, it looked like I was seeing a shrink in Shutter Island. Yeah, yeah, those were tough days. I mean, that's already a rough neighborhood. Then Katrina just ruined it. It just flattened it. I remember he would roast me. I was like, this guy, I love the guy, but I'm like, I don't know if he's my type of therapist. Yeah. Yeah.

- I'm just picturing this fat chef or an alligator with glasses like, oh look at this, I guarantee you're dead. You're dead leaving, fucked you up boy. - Well I remember he said to me once when I was a baby, he was talking about me being a baby and like a three year old and he was like, you and mommy against the world. And I was like, dude, what the fuck?

I remember I told a friend there who was kind of fucked up. I was like, man, you need therapy because it was like helping me. And he was just a close friend of mine, my buddy Alon. He edited I Got This, actually. Oh, wow. He's an editor. Oh, nice. He edited the Chili Peppers doc. I don't know when that's coming out. But yeah, he's a great editor. And he...

I remember telling him to go see the guy, and he's like, the guy just shit on me for an hour. I'm like, yeah, you got to go. I was like, it's like Ted Lasso. You got to go a few sessions. Right, right, right. Wow, that's so fun. I mean, I'm not surprised growing up there. I mean, I told people I was going to do comedy, and they're like, all right, you theater queef, shut up. Pick up those boxes, you know? That's how it was. The ceiling for ambition is very low. It's a lot of like laissez-faire, kick your feet up.

have a beer and shut the fuck you're an ambitious guy though yeah that's why i got out i mean it's a low it's like a brad williams ceiling there and i saw him in texas this week oh great guy greatest guy funny quick quick motherfucker i mean not physically yeah but uh short legs yeah exactly but man he's got a big head but uh super funny guy super funny

And yeah, I saw him at the improv one night. I was like, man, he's a strong act. Oh, he kills. Yeah, yeah. Go see Brad Williams. Good kid. Yeah, so many fun people at Moontown, man. And I'll tell you, I rallied. Here's a weird thing about last week. So we did, it was the only episode where we didn't have any alcohol.

It was even the episode we did coffee. We did the gnome. Oh, that's a good point. So it was the only episode we don't have alcohol. I had green juice with you and Salicuse. It was the most upset my stomach has been after an episode by a mile. How funny is that? The one time we're trying to be good. I had diarrhea all day. I was in so much pain. What? I had to fly. I had the runs all day. I had to fly that day to Austin. I'm with my girlfriend. She's coming with me for two days just to like hang out for a couple of days. Sure, sure. And-

you know, since she's hanging out, she's like, we're getting good meals. So I was like, I'm going to rally. I'm going to be a team player. We went to some damn good places in Texas, but like,

I think we ate tacos four straight meals. Yeah. And I was like, I don't know if you guys know a lot about diarrhea, but Austin tacos are not the best. Yeah. You can't get an abortion down there, but you had a miscarriage. I swear to God. Holy shit. Something came out of me that was a lie at one point. I was like, I don't know. Well, don't tell your Uber driver. He'll get sued. I named it. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm trying to think of something you'd name a piece of shit. Oh, this is the Avengers. All right. All right. I call the smallest one Hawkeye. That's what I call my asshole. Hawkeye.

It's tiny. This is a cool shirt you got on. Oh, this is a Herschel will throw me. I got free. New Balance sent me a ton of shit. I don't know why. Wow, those are funky, man. I would never buy these. They're too high. And I can't wear a high top. It's not your style at all. Not at all. But they're free, so I wear them. And this was free. And I don't know what these are. But it was raining, so I put on a lot of slick shit, like non-absorbent. But yeah, thanks for the free shit. Free shit's great. This shirt was free from Henley. H-N-L-Y. They got great shit. Yeah.

If you look at Henley, they're the ones, a lot of those Henley shirts I wear, and they're all free. Really? This one's not. Yeah, they just. Did you tag them or something? No, they're LA based, and I just, I think they sent me, they're like, can we send you stuff? And I was like, sure. Then they saw I started wearing it, so they sent me more. Wow. They're great. Well, there you go. You see, you get a plug in. They're smart. This is good business. Good business. So you keep sending shit. Send us a bidet. We'll take a dump on screen. Yeah, what the hell? Hell.

I got all these good sponsors. What the hell happened to Hello Tushy? Hit us up. We're talking about wanting a bidet. We'll fucking plug you. We're talking right now. Butt plug. Literally.

Yeah, you're right. I mean, I told my girl, I was like, we might get a bidet. She was like, oh, we got to get a bidet. We got to get a bidet. So it's already planted in the head now. I got to get one. I got to give another plug out. And it's someone we plugged before. But like, man, so I'm in Austin. I'm in the Stateside Theater. I did a bunch of shows in there. Good theater. Right next to the Paramount, which both are beautiful. Yeah. I caught the end of Dave Attell's set. He was right next to me.

And it's David tell he's on stage with like, you know, Louie cats who was killing it underrated and finance who was killed. They were both on fire. Great guys. Funny guys. Ian's really funny. And, and, uh, so it was Louie and obviously, and, and Dave is a Jedi. Yeah. And, uh, he really is. They're all killing it. And I tell her just so many good lines. Yeah. They got a standing. Oh, at the end. Whoa. It was pretty cool. And, uh, I'm just in the back peeking and, uh,

Yeah, I mean, if you are near Dave Attell on the road and you don't go, you're fucking insane. You're crazy. He's one of the best comics ever. I don't think there's a better comic to see in a club, period. I completely agree. I think he's genius savant level. I think he's alive and kicking. So go see him now because who the fuck knows? We just had the Norm talk.

I would say the same about Colin Quinn. Don't even put that energy out there. I'm not putting it out there. I'm just saying. Good point about Colin Quinn. We did a thing with Salicus when Norm died, and obviously we were so scattered. Yeah. He was like, well, who are people you want to say that to right now? We said Attell. We said Burr, I think. Yeah. Colin Quinn is one for us. Oh, yeah, legend. As New Yorkers, people ask us who comics who inspire us. It's Attell and Quinn. Yeah. Hell yeah. I mean, two of the best, and Quinn...

influence to tell. I mean, Dave says that, I don't know, but yeah, they're just both New York guys, both great. And I feel like a tell is a special case because he's doing comedy at such a high level and comedy has gotten changed a lot over the years and stories and identity stuff. And he's just like still doing that rat-a-tat joke machine gun style.

And so see it while you can, folks, because it's something special. It's next level. It's a great point you make. Good point. I think about how Tony on The Sopranos would always say, whatever happened to the strong, silent type, the Gary Coopers? Yeah. That's what it tells. Yes. Stand up. Stand up. He's not up there like, and then I was molested. Right.

Here's a long-winded story with no punchline about it. It tells up there like... Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And hating himself the whole time going, I suck. I could be better. Like, you're the greatest. You're the best. I mean, he's the Ric Flair of comedy. He's incredible. It's almost like in a Western, the older gunslinger who's just like the quickest shot ever. And everyone's like, don't fuck with him. That's a tell. Exactly. He's the best. And Ian is so great because Ian has been on the road with him for a while now. So he knows how to set him up. He knows the rhythms because...

I don't know about you, but I've been on stage with Dave a bunch of times, and it's like I'm a fan. He's one of my heroes. He's one of the greats. And I want to just give him the floor, but he also wants you to participate, but you also don't want to step on him. So I'm in my head the whole time, and I was never great. Me neither. Okay, I feel bad. I had a few where we had really good ones together. But, yeah, I mean, what's great about Dave is if you're off, he'll save it. True. It's literally like in –

you know spider-man when someone falls and he just like shoots a web and slings down and catches you yeah that's what a tell does with jokes where you're just like it's never gonna ghost uh except for that time when spider-man shot uh at mary jane's neck and broke it but other than that deep nerd cut damn yeah no but he uh i would shoot on the lower back it's safe right at the tattoo yeah yeah one time i was on me and che went out drinking one night this is like six years ago

And we went out drinking one night and we just ended up at the cellar. We're drinking, we're drinking. We're like seven scotches in yada, yada. So Che's famous. So he's like, they're like, go on, you should go on. He's like, all right, fuck it. But you got to come with me because he didn't want to do a set. I was like, I don't want to go up there. I'm not famous. They know you. I'll be in the way. It's weird. Yeah, it's weird. But he's like, I just don't want to just let's just hang out. I'm like, all right.

So me and Che are on stage, and we're doing great. I mean, I'm kind of bombing because they're just like, we want to hear him. But I was just zinging and zanging. I was making Che laugh. And then Dave Attell just walks in. So now it's me, Che, and Dave. Oh, wow. And it was like this crazy night because I'm trying to sober up, and I'm all googly-eyed and drunk. And Che's drunk. And Attell was just like, not only is he great, but he's sober. So he's just...

I mean, it was like a laser beam. And we were both like, ah, you take it. And Chase started playing the piano. And then Dave started roasting me. And he saved it. Dave will zing you on the way to zinging you. Yes. It's like a jab before he knocks you. So he'll say, before he insults you, he'll be like, Sam, you're a vampire. What do you think about...

Boom. And you're like, wait, did I just get insulted? Exactly. And you're like, Jesus, he's quick. And he says things that aren't even jokes, but the way they, like, I said a line that bombed, and he goes, we'll be right back. And that killed. And you're like, why is that funny? But it is. He's such a genius. Wow, he's really quick. I mean, yeah, he's great. He's next level, I'm telling you. I mean, you know, you worshipped him.

Before comedy. Yeah, the way you looked at Norm, I always looked at a tail. I always thought like, you know... Oh, jeez, this guy with the apron. You... My God. You're gonna be the end of me, Beard Jew. Don't worry, these are a little...

Chief underwear, folks. Wearing it right now. Look at that. I'm wearing it too. Look at that. Hey, there you go. We gave ourselves a Melvin. That's what they call it in the front. A Melvin. I haven't said that word in 20 years. A fucking nerd name. It's a great... Never name your kid Melvin. No. Bad name.

Bad name. That's a rough one. If that kid doesn't get the shit kicked out of him, then he has just become such... He's surpassed expectations. Oh, yeah. Keeps your balls off your leg. There's two pouches. One for your dong. One for your sack.

Keep the ammo separate from the gun. It's super supportive. They look good. They feel good. They're like stretchy and silky at the same time. The lady likes them. She's like, you look great in that. Look at these. These are camo, like weird camo. Dude, I have those at home too. I would never buy these, but when I put them on, I feel cool as hell. Your dick was in the Gulf War. I love it. Ha ha ha.

yeah i got a sandy hook or no wait sandy dick shit sandy hook what the fuck mark this is a plug man sorry this guy was in the iraq war by the way this guy's a badass oh yeah he's a veteran support a veteran this guy's a a great he's a great dude yeah he's a veteran he loves comics which is why he's on this podcast uh

Go to sheathunderwear.com and order with promo code DRUNK to get 20% off your first order. And Sheath Underwear is 100% back, money back guarantee. That's sheathunderwear.com, promo code DRUNK. Get Sheath Underwear and let them support your balls. Oh, it's so thick. Perfect pour, right at the meniscus. Low key, good word. Next round you're going to have to shake up and shoot in my tits because this is thick. This is good stuff.

Man tits are the only tits that you can get rid of and grow back. Yeah, isn't that weird? Women are just stuck with their tits.

I guess I can get fake ones. Or you get surgery. You get reductions. True. Man, I remember the first time I heard about a tit reduction. You were like, why? What are you crazy? Yeah. I know. Oh, my God. I remember I knew a girl with huge breasts. Yeah. She was like, I know I have back problems. I was like, I didn't know that that was a thing. I didn't either. No guy did. We were so selfish. Yeah, exactly. But I like looking at them slightly bigger, please. I know. I know. It's funny how there was always one woman in high school with huge cans, and it was like the talk of...

The entire state. I remember when I went to public school in New Orleans and it was this woman, Sophie. I'm not going to say her last name, but she had gigantic... She was a skinny rail thin with insane jack-o'-lantern tits. And my dad's like, ah, Sophie's over there. Everybody knew her. The president knew her. The mayor knew her. The garbage man knew her. Sophie! It's amazing that old people...

who are adults have to notice giant minor tits. I know. It's so unacceptable, but it's like they're there. You can't not look. Yeah. You're not looking, but they are there. They're there. Yeah. And it's just, it's an anomaly. It's like a guy who's seven foot two. You're like, wow, that's crazy. Yeah. I remember one time eating dinner with my friend's parents and their

they're French and they're like, oh, how about Sophie's tits? And I'm like, oh yeah, the mom was saying that. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess that's okay. Yeah, I guess that's okay. But it was still like, well, now I'm hard. We're at dinner. It's weird. Yeah. Young Mark. Well, you got me hard. You got to finish me off. I mean, yeah, you're French. Right. Oh yeah.

Oh, yeah. Man, the French are fun, man. Oh, yeah, yeah. Wine, cigarettes. Chocolate. Chocolate. Just culturally, they've got it going on. I saw they had Breathless, the Godard film, playing at the Forum. Oh, is that right? Yeah. You ever see that one? It's been a while, but is that the Truffaut? Oh, Godard. Oh, Godard. Sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You said that. I got down, so I'm a Godard. But...

You're mentally godarded? If mentally godarded, that's better. All right, Beardjuice, we'll see you. Thank you. This is unbelievable. This is incredible. You Razz buried us.

Yeah, yeah. My friend works there. You know Eric. Eric. Eric edited Full Capacity. Now on YouTube. Yeah. Keep watching. He's the real deal because I feel like a lot of people are like, I love old movies. I'm a film buff. And I'm like, eh, this guy works at the Film Forum. Fuck you. Yeah, yeah. He's the real deal. No, he loves it. Yeah. But that shit, Goddard and Truffaut, that was all influenced Wes Anderson, Quentin Tarantino, all that shit. Sure, sure.

Give me a record. Oh, yeah. I got wrecks. I made a good list. I was actually proud of myself. Yeah, me too. Did my homework. Okay, well, this is very awkward that I'm wrecking this. Why? Because we brought it up earlier and trashed it. Really? But I'm wrecking buying bulk.

Oh. Because here's what I've been doing lately. We just said it's not sexy. I actually think it's a good idea. It's just not hot. It's not hot. Yeah. No one wants a big tub of butter. Married guys do that. No single guy is going to Costco. Exactly. It's a married guy move. Great point. So...

I've been sitting in my house like, we need a charger. We don't have a charger. My girlfriend's using the charger or her fiance. And I'm like, I need the charger. And she's like, I'm using it. So I'm like, fuck this. We're making a couple bucks now. I bought like, I went on Amazon. I bought 10 chargers because you lose them. You throw one in your suitcase. You throw one in the bathroom, whatever. I just did the same thing. Really? I bought like five. Yeah. I might have bought five too. They're great because I just have been different outlets around the apartment now. So whatever nook I'm in, I don't have to go.

grab it and move it around. Exactly. And I did it with toothbrushes. I'm like, that is toothbrush. I've cleaned my asshole with it. My sneakers, you know, the man, great, whatever. And I got rid of it. And I was just like, give me 20. Why do I need to go out? Realize I need a new toothbrush. Go to CVS.

Go to the register. I just ordered 20 on Amazon. Boom. I'll never go to go with CBS again. Yeah, man. Amazon, unfortunately, just they just make shit too easy. It's easy. Can't beat it. I get weird. I get weird shit off Amazon. Like, you know, like what? OK. Well, like.

All kinds of shit, man. So we're in... We go to this place, downtown Austin, that was like the best taco truck. Yeah. When they don't speak English, you're like, this is going to be a good taco. Authentic. Authentico. So we did that. Then there's a great coffee shop right next to us. I'm with the girlfriend. She goes in. She gets a...

She likes matcha with oat milk. Matcha's good. I'm a coffee guy. What is matcha? It's like kind of like concentrated green tea. So it's like stronger green tea and they make it into a latte. All right. I'm a coffee guy, but it tastes good. All right, matcha man. Yeah, a lot of people love it. And they made it with lavender for her. Oh, jeez.

And I was like, that sounds nice. So I was like, I got some lavender syrup and some dried lavender. Make some of that shit at home. Let's have some fun. LA has moved to Austin. That's it. And they really have. It's over. Well, it's not for me. It's for the lady. Sure. I do my warm cups of coffee. I do like three or four cups of coffee in the morning that are grinded and brewed. It's not for me, but it's nice to have it in the house. Yeah. Might go the same way. Yeah.

She likes that. And I'm a hot coffee man. I don't... I will never do iced coffee. Me neither. Unless... What is that? Unless it's like my fourth cup of the day and I just want to mix it up. Sure. But I'm... No, I'm hot. Because coffee is meant to be... It's meant to be consumed hot, I think. I think so too, but iced coffee is a big hit. I do it when I need to get caffeinated in a rush. Because I can't like chug a hot coffee. No, you can't. But I'll...

I mean, that caused a lawsuit in the 90s. Remember that with McDonald's? What a dumb fucking thing. That was a big deal, yeah. My coffee was hot. I know. That was the beginning of the end. Exactly. That was the beginning of the end. The litigious bullshit.

Oh, man. I remember Geraldo had a bit about how people get fat as shit and they blame McDonald's. He's like, can you imagine waddling into a courtroom and going, look at what they did to me. That's great. God, we need him back. Yeah, he's the best. Comedy just keeps things in reality, which is nice. Dude, coffee should be always...

you should always, I remember I was at a bar once, PJ Clark's, Eastside, classic bartender, this guy Doug Quinn, who's like the legendary bartender there. I remember someone asked for a Red Bull in there. I just overheard him say, we don't do Red Bull here. We do hot coffee and that's it. And I was like, that's fucking cool, man. That's badass.

Hell yeah. Hell yeah, Red Bull. As we're drinking pretty effeminate looking drinks here with a raspberry. I know, Jesus. I only do hot coffee and drinks with raspberries. Yeah, I got a placenta on ice here. Placenta on ice. That's what we're calling this episode, by the way, Matt. Placenta on ice. The worst ice capade show of all time, by the way. Man. Starring Brian Boitano. Ha ha ha.

Placenta on ice. Oh, man. Did you see I, Tonya? Oh, it was great. That was a great movie. Great movie. Margot Robbie's a beast. What's her name? Janney? Allison Janney. Killer. I love her, man. So good. She rules. Yeah, that was a fun movie. Who did that? Not who directed it. Also, that guy Sebastian Stan, who was one of the Avenger guys, but he's a crazy abusive boyfriend.

Oh, yeah. He's great. It's like the soundtrack rocked. It was done at a fast pace, like the way Thank You for Smoking was done. It was like bam, bam, bam, with a great killer...

Chicago was on the soundtrack. Yeah, that's right. Super Tramp. It was all great tunes. This is what's great about documentaries. I watched I, Tonya. It was awesome. It was a great, well-done movie. But then you watch the documentary and you're like, this is the real shit. Yeah. Now we're getting the fucking main line. She sucks a little more than you think. Exactly. That's the thing. I heard her on a podcast and I was like, eh.

But she kind of sucks. This has been glammed up a little bit. Yeah. You know what it makes me think of? Did you see the Woodstock documentary on Woodstock 99? It's tough. It's well done, but it's like white men have a problem and they're angry, whatever. But there's one point where Kid Rock goes...

You know, it's the mid-90s, or it's 99, so Kid Rock goes, I think Bill Clinton's a pimp and Monica Lewinsky's a slut. And everybody goes, yeah! And you're like, oh, God. That does not age well. Kind of like Kid Rock. Yeah, true. But that's what that reminds me of. Well, Monica Lewinsky, man, is such an incredible... It's like, holy shit, we blame the intern and not the dude who fucking...

Whipped his dick out. Yeah. Who was president. I know. Bill Clinton got such an easy ride. He got off easy. No pun intended. But yeah, you're right. It's true. I mean, you get why women are so angry. They were calling her fat. She was a kid. I know.

Everything was so fucked up. Yeah, she got it hit hard. And she's cool as shit. She's so cool. She's funny. She makes jokes. She is funny. She gets it. And I saw her. I remember I saw her on the Tom Green show when I was a kid. And I was just like, oh shit, Monica Lewinsky's cool. Yeah. Like she was... Funny, quick, lighthearted. And she was also like, you know what? You were a fucking bad kid. You were a kid. Yeah. Yeah.

With the president. And that was back when the president was like a big deal. Now the president's like, all right. Oh my God, dude, we've all experienced social media attacks. Right. Nothing compares to what she went through. Oh my God. That was a national fucking, it was like 9-11. Can you imagine if it was Twitter back then? I can't imagine.

crazy. I mean, every news story, women newscast is going, she sucks. Fuck her. She should be ashamed of herself. And you're like, oh, mob mentality before Twitter. Yeah. That was like a local newscast. Just shit. Like, yeah. I mean, I will say this. It probably didn't help that every late night talk show host was a man. They trashed her too. Yeah. Because it's like, it becomes easy. You do want a female voice in there being like,

Slow down a second. This dude is the president. Right, right. I will say Chappelle had that great bit about it and never shit on her. What'd he say? He was just like, look, she's a young woman dealing with the president, the most famous man, most powerful man on the planet. You know, like, yeah, it's crazy. Like, she's, of course, going to be, what is it, tempted by him and...

I think he just did the whole thing about how Bill Clinton, he's like, I did not have. He's like, I thought that was special because he lied on TV. I mean, I'm butchering it. It's in Kill Em Softly. It's a great point. I remember the bit and also Rock's bit about how he blamed Hillary. That was hilarious. She put the whole country in danger. You know what kind of man you have. Exactly. That was a fucking great bit. Weed smoking fornicator. Yeah, it was great. He's like, she should have been there. Like, I got you.

Yeah. He's pushing Monica out of the way. That was killing. That was a great bit, though. Those were the 90s. That was a really great bit. Isn't it funny that we're that old now where we're like, oh, man, those times were crazy and we lived through them. That Chris Rock album got me into comedy. Me too. Me too. That blew my mind how funny he was.

Unbelievable. With social commentary. Like, that's one of the best hours of comedy ever. Easily. Open with Columbine in Bigger and Blacker. He's like, they had six friends. I don't have six friends now. That's three on three with a half court. He's like, I see a white kid. I jump off the elevator. Like, all that shit was huge. Amazing. Amazing. And that was like when being scared of white people was new. You know? I mean, it was all ahead of its time. Killer stuff. I'm sure you could.

New in terms of like talking about it on stage. Yeah, exactly. I mean, I'm sure black people were scared of white people before the 90s. Yeah, yeah, of course, of course. You got, what's it called, Waylon Jennings playing out the car with the rebel flag on the roof. You know, that's a little nerve wracking if you're a POC.

- Dude, POC, great competitor to AOC. - She's a POC. - Yeah, I know. - You know me, I'm down with OPP. All right. - So, man. - Oh, sorry, we went off on a tangent there. - Well, Monica, where'd we-- - We were on something before Monica, 'cause I was like, that reminds me of Kid Rock. And then it was something you said, and now I'm lost.

Buy in bulk? That's the message. Buy in bulk is a message? That was the rec. That was my rec. What is your... Oh, you got Ted Lasso. Now, give me a goddamn... I got... Hold on. Peeve, will ya? Okay. Well, actually, I got a peeve that actually is related to this. Oh, perfect.

I have two peeves. Hit me. One is what we're talking about. Like when I, this bugs me, I understand that we have male privilege, but it bugs me when people misuse, you have privilege where it's like, okay, just use it properly. Sure. I was talking to someone, she was, you know, we were talking, she said, uh, you know, well you, um,

We were talking about the Greyhound buses. I was like, oh, I used to always take Greyhound buses to games. Oh, yeah. And the Fung Wah. And she goes, oh, I never have taken the Greyhound because I don't want to get murdered. That's male privilege. And I was like, it's just weird to use male. I understand I have it, but to use it about taking a Greyhound bus. Yeah. It's more like I've never been sitting next to a schizophrenic with a pocket knife in his mouth and been like, man, shit's good. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

You know? That's so true. And I'm on that bus, or I was on that bus all the time. The Chinatown bus? A lot of women on the bus. I mean, it was, I don't want to say half women, but it was 40% women. Sometimes it was a woman driver. Like, I don't know. Those were the scariest of all. I think it's a little elitist to say that that is male privilege. Sure. Like, you won't even go on a bus. Well...

It's not the bus. It's a long bus. It's a bad bus. I hate them. It's a bad bus. I've done them. I mean, the New York buses, I used to do those overnight. How about those double-decker buses? Oh, been there. From Baltimore, D.C., you're like, oh, these stink. Stink, and that charger never worked. Never worked. Plug it in and out, you're twisting it, nothing. I remember watching an episode of Mad Men.

on the double-decker bus. The highest art ever had been watched on a bus. Yeah, exactly. That just shows you the reach of TV, man. Yeah, that's true. Otherwise, it's a casino game or Angry Birds on full volume, by the way, on the bus. I remember vomiting in bus bathrooms. Those are the worst because you've got to hold yourself still. Yeah, that's right. That's like a P90X core workout while you're vomiting. That's so true, and that...

that toilet hole wasn't big. It wasn't big. You were all over it. Because whenever I go pee on that bus, I'm like, whoa, whoa. But I was always like, who's puking in here? It was you. All of a sudden.

Also, there was always some sort of motor going down, and you're like, are we pulled off the side of the road? I know. Every time. Why are we pulled over? Like, oh, we hit a deer. You're like, Jesus Christ. And we hit a lady, or we were at McDonald's. Everybody get McDonald's now. And then you come back, and you leave a guy. Buddy up. We're adults. Come on. How about the one where...

That story in Canada, the guy just fell asleep next to a guy and he sawed his head off and everyone ran off the bus screaming. What? You remember that shit, Matt? No. Look it up. Yeah, a guy sawed a guy's head off while he was sleeping and everyone just ran off the bus screaming. Oh my God. In Canada. I thought about that shit. That's why I never slept on the bus. Yeah. See, this is where I get jealous of people who can sleep, but then you hear this shit and you're like, all right, I'm glad I'm paranoid. I'm glad I'm neurotic. Yeah, beheaded. What? What?

Seatmate. Canadians. Can we not call them mates at that point? I know. Also, always weird when you hit the guy next to you and go, where are you headed?

I'm trying to stay alive. Thank you. Holy shit. Greyhound, yeah. Man, that's bad PR. 40-year-old man. I mean, how do you... What's the process there? You think the saw would hit the neck and the guy would wake up and, you know, act and attack? Yeah, I don't know, man. Crazy. Maybe he was that quick of a beheading. I mean, this guy must have been ISIS level. That's impressive. Yeah.

Holy shit. Yeah, I didn't mean to bring this to a screeching halt here. I'm sorry. I mean, you hope you get a free ticket after that. Jeez Louise. They would pull that shit. They would be like, well, we thank you for riding Greyhound and we'd like to offer you $10 off your next... Yeah, exactly. You're like, speaking of off, I just saw a guy's head. Off. Off.

Yeah, right? Holy hell, that is wild. Did he put it in the luggage rack after? I mean, where do you go from there? That's hilarious. You think Greyhound has a luggage rack. No, they stuck it beneath with all the other bags. There's about a six-inch shelf with that little ribbon of rope that's supposed to hold something in. But yeah, I've been on a million of them, and I'm with you. Those buses stink. Stink. You always get next to the weirdo.

It sucks. It's always a guy who smells weird or playing music loud. I had a guy FaceTiming once just with his uncle. He's like, yeah, I know, right? And the uncle's talking. I'm sitting right there. No headphones, I bet, right? Nothing. No headphones. Un-fucking-real. Unbelievable. You're not a person. Yeah. What are you doing? You don't deserve...

Like, that's when you wish a virus would take out people like that. Yeah, it'd be nice. When you're like, oh, this is who... This is... Survival of the fittest, this is who is unfit. Yes. Good point. This is who is not fit for our world. People...

It's amazing that you're... FaceTime's one thing. It's like, all right, earbuds in. You think we want to see and hear your full fucking thing? I know. I love this idea. Instead of, you know, what is it? Pre-existing conditions. COVID people die. Old people die. Unhealthy people die. It'd be nice if inconsiderate people died. That would be a great... I know a guy in the Wuhan lab. Let me get him on the phone. Get him on the horn! Fauci? No. All right. Ah!

He's our first guest, by the way. Fauci, we just talked to him. He's a martini man. He loves martini. We'll get him hammered. He's throwing out crazy things. We've got to do guests at some point. He's like, SARS was fake. I made it up. Yeah, I'd love to have a guest. I'm thinking Roy Wood is my ideal opener. Really? Oh, yeah. I love Roy Wood. Well, first of all, we've got a couple of honkies all over this factory. We've got Matt. We've got Salacuse. We've got the Beer Jew. I hear you. It'd be nice to get...

a little color in here and he likes to tilt one and he's hilarious. What did he drink? I don't know. I think he's a vodka man, but who the hell knows? Yeah, he'd be great. All right, let me, wait, did you give me a pee if you did? Yeah. The gray, oh, the privilege when it's not necessary. And I preface that by saying I understand that

such a thing exists. I'm just saying that's not a great example. I will say getting murdered less is male privilege. That's nice. But I'm just saying riding the bus is not a privilege. That's all I'm saying. Right, that's a good point. I mean, look. I think men get murdered more than women, though.

Do they? I wonder. I would think. Well, not in relationships. Sure, but that's a choice. Although, so is riding the bus, I guess. Yeah, I think everything's a choice at some point. But I'm just saying... Right to choose. In the dating world, I think women have to worry about that. Yes, yes. But then you factor in rape, and it's like women have the edge. Of course, of course. I mean, so it's like...

It's weird to say the edge. Speaking of weird things, women have narrowly... You win this round by getting raped more than us. Yeah, good point. I think...

I hear you. I hear you. In relationships, marriages, it's always the husband. It's Petito, lady. Obviously, the boyfriend did it. It's so obvious. Every true crime, my girl's obsessed with true crime. It's like the husband, the boyfriend. Oh, my God. I mean, the Gabby Petito thing. It's like, yeah, of course. Yeah, he's on the lam already. Now the dog, the bounty hunter's on the case. Yeah. Hell yeah. If he finds him, does he get two more N-words? Has he earned it? Let's hope. Let's see. I don't know. That should be the gift. Yeah.

He's like, please, I really want it. Please. Also, the murder guy, the laundry, is it laundry? Yeah. Laundry, yeah, he's doing stand-up now. He's, uh...

On the Appalachian Trail. Yeah, he's going to be big. He's got a TikTok. He's got a TikTok. Yeah, that's the one where when SVU does an episode, you know it's going to be called Taking Out the Laundry. Oh, of course. Dirty Laundry. It's laundry day. Yeah, there's no doubt about it. Yeah. He's got a couple of stains.

In that pile, some bloodstains. That's a crazy one that his parents helped. I know, I know. But then also, you're kind of like, they're the parents. Like, of course they fucking helped. That's how it goes. Although mine wouldn't help. Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha.

I love my mom. I love my mom, but she'd turn my ass in. Yeah, good point. She'd be like, I knew it. I'm like, no, you didn't. She'd be like, I know, but I want to be on their side. Right, right. Did you see the two kids who got popped for a school shooting before? They caught them before they did it. What happened? It was two kids in Florida, 14, 13, two cute little pudgy white kids. Of course. Give it a go. They had a...

their room was full of weapons, rifles, ammunition, 14 and 13. What the fuck? I know their book bag had a schematic of the school. They had all the X's on where the security cameras were. They had it down. There it is. Where's this organization on your homework? Young man. Ah, good point. Yes, exactly. There it is. They found it. They, they caught them. They yelled at them, but the,

My point is the mom, they filmed the mom on the news and she was like, I swear to God, they're good kids. They would never do this. And you're like, they have fucking AK-47s in their bedroom, you psycho. If they're good kids, you're the world's worst mom. Exactly. What the fuck? You dumb bitch.

This is, you know what I remember? There was a story years ago about kids who were going to shoot up a school in Georgia. This kid was going to shoot up a school and he got stopped by his teacher. And he said, no one loves me. And she goes, I don't care if no one loves you. I love you. And he put the gun down. He gave it to her and he got arrested. And I'm sure he's like, that bitch fucking lied to me.

Women be tripping. Women are fucking, that did not help with women issues. Yeah, good point. But at least she stopped the death. But that's all they need is a hug, these kids. They need a hug. But also, what the fuck as a mom? I know. That's on you. Like, I used to hate my mom for going through my shit all the time. That's a good mom. Good mom.

I feel the same way. That's a good mom to make sure you don't have an AK-47 in your fucking bedroom or whatever. I don't know anything about guns. I'm a Manhattan kid. You know I don't know about guns. So when you're like, that's not the name of the gun there. I'm like, all right, you got me there. I don't know shit about guns. Guns freak me out.

- Yeah, no, I'm with you. My dad wore a suit every day and a briefcase. I was like, what a square. He's part of the machine. I'm a skateboarder, I'm a chain welder. He's the man. Now I'm like, thank God he paid the mortgage, he kept the lights on, he got groceries. You know, he yelled at me when I got detention and I'm like, thank you, Dad. - Oh no, my parents were great. That's the thing, it's like when you're a kid, you're just angry for no reason. - Oh yeah. - My parents were so good. - Yeah, same. - I mean, that's like the thing where you're just like, what the fuck?

And you had a guy step in, right? Oh, my dad, yeah. He's the best dad. Even more of a hero. Yeah, he's such a good dad. I mean, yeah, my dad is biologically not my dad, but he's legally my dad. Yeah. Yeah, he's the best dad. I wonder if there's a trans joke there. You know, this is not your real dad, but...

He's my dad. That's interesting. He identifies as my dad. Yes, there you go. That's the line. Yeah, we didn't get enough hot water last week about that misfire I had on that trans. Well, fucking old man Q's over here is like, hey, what are we doing, Fox News? Like, all right. No, no, but it's good to have that voice. It's good to have to be challenged because then you're like, I'm wrong. It's good. It's actually good.

All right, well, do you have a... Did you do a rec? Oh, no, did you do a peeve? Oh, you did a peeve. Yeah. I didn't do a peeve. Do a peeve. All right, I'm doing a peeve. I'll tell you. I got a bunch of peeves. What a good peeve. Really seems to care. I'll do one. I'll save one, but I don't know which one to do. They're both pretty solid. I'll do a couple. Hold on. Do a couple. What is this one? And this is where we'll lose fans here, but...

We've lost plenty. You ever have the friend or the random guy you meet and he's got a ton of shit on his teeth? Like...

Crazy amounts of food where you're like, look, nobody likes brushing their teeth. I get it. But I know you, man. You're not like a hobo. You got a ton of plaque, like orange goo on your teeth. Wow. What are we doing here? Have you seen this? No, I guess I don't notice. I don't look for it. Yeah. But that's...

So he just doesn't brush, you think? I think it's disturbing. Like, look, I'll forget to brush. I'm like, oh, it's 6 p.m., I should brush. But it's like this crazy, you can just see like orangey, weird, placky kind of shit on someone's teeth where you're like, dude, you have a job, you're an established citizen, you have a girlfriend or a wife. Like, what's going on here? Well, that's her job. Maybe. But also, I'll say this. What?

Dentists came out of the gate a little too hard with the brushing after every meal. I agree. We're Americans. We eat like six meals a day. Good point. You got to hit us with twice a day.

Twice a day is fair. Or before an important thing. Yeah. We all brush before an important thing just because at a routine, you're like, I'm going to shower. It's kind of connected to the shower. Yeah, it is. I do it in the shower. It's a refresh. You brush in the shower? I brush in the shower because it's a one and done. I don't have to do a brush and a shower. Dude, I'll tell you what's fucking good. You ever just drink in the shower? Oh.

That was my whole high school. A cocktail in the shower is fucking nice. Cocktail? What? I'll have a beer. I've never had a cocktail. Well, you don't have a shaker at home? You're an adult. I do have a shaker, but I've never thought, like, hold on, I'm getting in the douche. Why don't you shake it in this thing? I make it. I get in the shower, then I reach outside, and I grab a cocktail. I'm like, this is fucking nice. I'm on board with the drinking in the shower. I've never thought of a cocktail. I've had a beer. It's in a can. It's contained. I don't know. This is blowing my mind.

Well, here's what you do. This is up there with your... What was the other one? Jizzing in the... Oh, jizzing in your hand. Oh, I stand by that one. I'm going green, and I hope the Hello Tushy people come around on me. I jizz my hand. I shoot it into the fucking sink. You got to get the bidet on that hand there. You got to stick motto. Speaking of Spider-Man, you're going to start sticking to villains. Hello Handy. We, you know...

Yeah, the drink is nice because you duck your head out of the shower, you get a cocktail. It's kind of a nice way to start the night. Interesting, interesting. I've never done a cocktail. I've done a beer. Beer is good. Wine is good. It's hard to do wine by yourself because then you have to commit to the bottle. That's true. You get the cork, I guess. I don't like cork, and I have it, but it's like we made a choice. Something about like a Negroni or a Manhattan when you're just like chilling in the shower. Oh, vodka is nice too. I see a lot of drinkers at our shows, and I've noticed that like –

We get a lot of professional drinkers. We really do, yeah. I notice, I'll talk to people what they're drinking sometimes, and a lot of people would be doing like a vodka with like a splash of soda. I'm like, that's a professional alcohol. That's a pro. Maybe a slice of lemon or something. That guy knows what he's doing, or gal. I completely, I mean, don't get me wrong. We get a couple animals out there as well. For sure. But I don't like Long Island iced tea drunks. No.

You're not drinkers. You're trying to escape too quickly. Yes. This is like a prison break. You don't just run out the front door. There's an art. Yes. You have to work your way up. You dig a hole. You get a crew. Yeah. You don't just run or you're going to get shot. Well said. Yes. It's exactly like a heist.

You could go in with a gun and put it on the guy's temple and take all the money, but you're going to get caught. If you put a whole gang together with a van and an escape route and a talker and a muscle, you're good. And that's what this is. Yeah. This is a nice escape. It's a good drink. Good drink. Great drink. I'm pretty nice and buzzed. I know. I know. It's only four. We've got a long night ahead of us. We've got shows. I'm a comedy juice.

Oh, that's a fun show. That's a fun one. Are you doing a longer set or is it the same? Just regular. Tell Milhouse I said hi. He's a good guy. Oh, yeah, he's a good dude. It's funny that his name is Milhouse. I know, and he looks, he's little with glasses. It's perfect. I always say he's a... He's a good dude. Bizarro Veeder. Fuck, I'm with Veeder this weekend in St. Louis. Oh, nice. Helium? Yeah. Yeah, that'll be fun. St. Louis has about a...

I'd say a hundred feet of good shit. There's like cool restaurants. There's, there's old bars. I mean, the people came out of there. It's like, talk about struggle. Nikki, Nikki, Nikki Glazer. Hilarious. I think Greg Warren might be from there. He's back there too. But then it's like Miles Davis and all these other guys. I keep JB smooth. Like it's like James Brown, maybe.

There's other people we're forgetting. Yeah, yeah. St. Louis is like this, Cedric the Entertainer I think is from there. It's like this crazy bastion of talent because it's such a rough city. And I think that struggle breeds quality. St. Louis is brutal. I mean, I remember doing a gig in- Wow, Jenna Fisher, Jon Hamm.

John Hamm. Oh, and the woman from Unbreakable, Kimmy Schmidt, too. Yeah, she's great. Ellie Kemper. Yeah, she's right there. Chuck Berry. Andy Cohen. Interesting. Andy Cohen just seems so New York. Chuck Berry. Yeah, you know, I remember doing that old Valley Park funny bone. You ever do that one? Mm-hmm. That one was a shithole. Talk about a mom and poppy, like...

I don't know. I like that room. I feel like it's... It was fine, but it wasn't like an easy room. No, you... It was... I mean, look, I'm down for a road room, man. Yeah. But, like, it was in between a gun shop and a bird store. Yeah.

It's a weird energy right here. That's all I'm saying. Completely weird energy. But I will say I did that club years ago and the waitress was this lady named Flo. She had the big beehive hairdo, blonde lady smoking. She's like, I saw Seinfeld in 78. He sucked. He sucked then and he sucks now. I'm like, I don't know. He's pretty great. And she's like, ah, fuck him. He sucks. He's not. He's got no edge. I'm like, all right, all right. And his dick doesn't work neither.

Calm down, Jesus. There's always something behind it. It's interesting, man. Those club, those waitresses have seen everything. Those funny bone waitresses in St. Louis, it's hilarious. They're just still cigarettes somehow. I know, I know. How the fuck does that happen? Until like three years ago. But it's a throwback. It's kind of funny. It's like this time machine you go into and you're like, oh, this is so cool and everybody's been through here. Like I did Providence.

the bartender becky has been there for 20 years and we got drunk with her one night and we just picked her brain and she's like a normal regular civilian lady but she was like i saw bill bird like 95 and this and that and you're like wow and she's like he struggled a little bit but now he's like one of my favorites and blah blah blah and you're like oh my god it makes you realize like he struggled in a tiny club in providence you don't say like shit happens well you have

- Of course, she wasn't shitting on him. - How do you feel about comedians using the term civilian about non comedians? 'Cause you just did it. - I just did it. - Yeah, how do you feel about that? - Well, I do think we're a species. We're a weird group and we're different. - But don't you think we're making them the species when we do that? - Maybe, but I've worked in the cubicles, I've worked in waitering, I've worked in restaurants. I've been on the other side for years and it's different.

I meet comedians. I hang out with comedians. And you start noticing you're dating a comedian. You start noticing, like, we got to stick together. We're different. We are... Joe Nuss is married to one. We're all weirdos. You know, that's the thing that comes down to. I mean, we're...

The booze is kicking in, folks. For sure. I'm definitely feeling it. This is the part of the episode where you're like, oh shit, Sam and Mark might be drunk. Well, hey, it's the name of the game. But, yeah, man, it's...

There's something about this life where it's just like... But it's our brain. I think our brains are different. Chris Rock has that funny thing where he saw Seinfeld at a Met Gala kind of thing, and he was like, oh, comedian. Right. We could be real. That's his own fault for going to a Met Gala. Of course. Agreed. It's like, why the fuck are you at the Met Gala? You're Chris Rock. I know. Go there, but go there at your own risk. You can't be like, wow, I'm annoyed the people here suck. You're at the Met Gala, dude. Ha, ha, ha.

It's like, what do you expect? But sometimes you have to go. I don't know. Maybe his wife wanted to go. Whatever it is. Sure. But my point is, we see each other. We're like, oh, I can be real. I can be honest. And I think that's why people like comedians. Because...

We're weird. We're different. We have to say these things that maybe they're thinking and they're taught. You absolutely have a hint of autism. Sure. There's nothing. And I mean that completely respectfully. There's something about you where you can't. I don't have any other friend like you where you can't resist saying the most fucked up thing possible. And it's ruined my life up till now.

Now I'm finally capitalizing. I mean, high school, jobs, parents, family reunion, whatever it is, dates, brutal. Look at Norm. You put Norm on The View, it's a whole different show. He's rabble-rousing it up. The whole thing's shaking up. And that's what we like. We like a bit of chaos. Yes! The Marx Brothers. A little bit of anarchy. What was that short story? I think it's like Bartleby the Scribner. You know what I'm talking about, Matt? Look it up. I've never heard of that. Well...

It's a guy driven crazy by a guy just repeatedly saying, I'd prefer not to. Everything he says, I say, I'd prefer not to. Isn't that it? Yeah. That's fun. Groucho Marx has a funny song, Hello, I Must Be Going, which is like, I got in, I got out. And I completely relate to that. Yeah. You know how it is. You go to a party or a dinner party, or it's like, you make a toast.

You make one joke, they hate it. You're like, what am I doing here? These aren't my people. Yeah, it's tough. It's tough. You ever do a corporate and they go, have dinner with us? And you're like, dinner? I'm a comedian. I do the show and I leave. That's going to cost extra. Of course.

I'm a quiet weirdo. And then you're putting the spotlight on me at dinner. You're quiet until you're around someone that you feel comfortable with. Yes. You're not quiet around me. No, no. I've never thought you were quiet. You're a comedian. I've never thought you were quiet. But then I've seen you in places where you don't feel comfortable. It's tough. It's tough. Yeah. And I feel like you're the same way. I'm not saying you're a loud guy, but you have your comfort levels. Yeah. I think I'm...

I think I can be loud and silly and whatever. Of course. But, you know, like you've seen that side of me, but that side of me doesn't come out. I love that side of you. But that side doesn't come out easily, right? Of course. It takes some, you know, grease and whatever. Yeah, yeah. But you've got to admit, that's a fun side. I'm having fun. All right. Yeah, it's tough. I know. Things are weird now because we're all on camera all the time. We're all on a mic all the time. Isn't that weird? It's weird. It's like...

It is a little crazy that people can just kind of record you. I know. That part sucks. I mean, because we just be friends sometimes, and you're kind of like, oh, shit, all right. Yeah. Yeah, that is tough. It's funny. You don't know...

Like with friends, you're kind of like, all right, we can do it. But like, there is a limit to it where you're kind of like, all right, I just want to like hang out. Of course, yeah. I have a friend, he's a comic we both know, black guy, who's like, we make horrific jokes in the green room. And if we did any of that in public, we would both be in trouble. He'd be in trouble with the black community. I'd be in trouble with everyone else.

- In the black community. - And the black community. But we're like, yeah, it's so silly. We're all gonna die one day, we're friends, we know each other, we like jokes. This is just a blip on the radar. - This shit's a timeshare. - Oh yeah, oh yeah. - Act accordingly. Right, I mean-- - I guess so, but-- - This shit is, man, it was,

Yeah, I was on the I was on a plane the other day and it's like you're so grateful when people are cool I was on it was it was like a really cool flight attendant The guy was such a sweetheart and it's like man you're just so you that job to be cool right now Yeah, so much. So, you know what fuck this shit. I'm gonna do a fucking I'm gonna do a toast to anyone in the customer service game right now particularly flight attendants cuz I'm around them so much and

If you're a flight attendant right now, you're dealing with so much bullshit. Oh, man. Like an astronomical amount of bullshit. Yeah. People are acting out against you as if it's your fucking design. Yeah, yeah. This guy was so nice. He could see I have a bad neck and he could see me stretching by the door and he goes...

I can see you're in pain. Anything I, and I wasn't asking for that. I was literally in my corner trying not to be noticed. And he was like, anything I can do, let me know. Wow. And you know, I asked for a Swedish massage and no, but yeah. Wow. But that's rare nowadays, especially in customer service. I'll tell you another thing. I, it is fucking hilarious. I, I got, it's not really, it's a coincidence. I don't like when people do that either.

- Do everything you hate. - I got a massage, I know, I don't like myself, that's the end of it. - Same. - I got a massage in Austin because I was in horrible pain and my masseur, a guy named Stan, an Austin great guy,

When he's done, he goes, I'm coming to your show tomorrow night. And I was like, I was grateful he didn't say till the end because I wouldn't have been able to relax. Exactly. Smart guy. But he was a really nice guy. And he was a great massage therapist, form and function in Austin. Shout out to you guys. You guys are great. Hell yeah. That is a nice touch. And the fact that he was aware of that makes you like it more. And you're like, oh, we can even hang out probably because you get it.

The guys who you walk in and go, Sam Burrill, oh my God, we might be drunk. Get on the massage table. Oh, you want to do a shot? You're like, what are you crazy? I hate you already. You want to hang out with me? You're nuts. This is why the people that listen to this podcast are cool. And this is why we don't deal with those people a lot. Yeah. Most of the people at our shows are pretty cool. Pretty cool. We got a good fan base. We got good crowds. We got comedy fans. They love it. They get it. I've had guys come up and go,

Hey, comedy. And they're on the other side of the street. I'm like, oh, hey. They're like, I'm not going to bother you. You're good. I'm like, all right. That guy gets it.

They were all people. They were all people. We're all people. I met Larry David at Schumer's wedding. I'm so upset I wasn't at that, by the way. What happened? I would have been in the private jet with you. I was the host of an MSG show at the time, and I couldn't get off. I was contractually obligated to shoot episodes for this network. I would have been on a private jet with you going to Amy Schumer's wedding. I was so bummed I wasn't there. I love Amy. I was pretty good. I mean, I was hobnobbing. It was me and Kyle Dunnigan just like, you know,

based in the corner there. And then it was like Nikki Glaser and then Seth Meyers and Judd Apatow and Bridget Everett. It was like such a fun group. John Early killed it, by the way. Dude, that guy is like... Talent. That guy...

He oozes hilarity, that guy. He does. He's almost like a Martin Short. He is pure. In that way. That guy is pure funny. Pure funny. Pure talent. Confident. I don't know how he does it. Because we're writers. I mean, this guy is just funny. It's just coming out of him. Whatever. Yeah, no. He is like... You could put him anywhere and he'll... He's on Tim Robinson's new season. He's on...

Search Party is great. That guy is incredible. Incredible, incredible. But yeah, also Schumer had the best joke I've told this before, but I was so impressed because they're doing the vows. We're in Malibu. It's a beautiful beach view. I don't know how much I'm supposed to be telling, but...

The husband, Chris, does this beautiful vows and heartfelt whatever, tugging the heartstrings. He's like, wow, he really loves her. And then she goes, I'm going to plug my dates. And it fucking killed. It was so perfect. The tension was cut because he was so serious. I mean, it was gold. Wow. And that was the wedding. That was just the beginning.

the beginning of the wedding. But either way... I'm bummed I wasn't there. I love Amy. That was a bummer. I remember being like... I knew it would be us in a private jet and that would have been fucking hilarious in of itself. Yeah. What was great about the jet, she got like a jumbo for the ride out. You know, cross-country jet. So you got these SNL comedian types and me and Rachel and Rachel's husband and all these people. Rachel Feinstein and Bridget Everett and all these people.

And then Amy's Long Island High School and 8th grade public school friends. And they're fucking going, we're on a jet. They're doing shots. They're fucking rolling dice and all this shit. They're drinking 40s and high-fiving each other. They're blaring Bruce Springsteen. And all the SNL people are like, oh, fuck. And they're all in their headphones and phones and everything. I love it. It was fun to see those two worlds, which is kind of...

describes Amy perfectly. She's both of those. She's everything. She's everything. Yeah. So that was fun. But, uh, and she's so loyal to her. Oh, so loyal. So loyal. She gets shit, but man, no one, no one more loyal than, than the shum. But either way, my point is Larry, she is, she's a real friend. Yes. Yes. I mean, she gave us both specials for Christ's sake. Amy Schumer produced when no one would give Mark or myself a special. Amy Schumer produced both our fucking specials. How would she offer you?

The special. What'd she say? Crazy. It never came up. And I remember we were in a van. You get into a van. You leave a hotel. You get into a van. You go to the gig or the venue, some giant arena. And she goes, you know what? I think I'm going to produce your special. And I was like, I was in the back of the van. You always want to be out of the way as the opener. And I was like, oh, yeah. And I remember my brain was just like, ah.

And that was when she planted the seed, and then the steps go from there, and then it's a year-long process. But that was it. That's awesome. You? We were doing a gig in Philly, and we were riding back on a helicopter. It's a very relatable story. We just done the arena in Philly. I think it was Wells Fargo. Wow. Dude, it was insane. Wow. Wow.

Wow. What was it? Like 14,000 people or something? It couldn't have been more fun. And there was supposed to be another opener, but there wasn't. So I got to do 25 minutes for an arena and I was just fucking hammer having a great time. Was it, was it just you? Was the band there? No, it was no band. Oh wow. So it was just me and, uh,

Super fun. It was me, Amy, and Amy's mom. And Amy's mom quoted a joke of mine that she liked. And Amy was like, oh yeah, I really like that joke. The joke was, you women are amazing because you can fake an orgasm but not a good mood. Great joke. That was a big one in arenas. Because it was like a one-liner that would kill in a big venue. You'd be like, boom, all right. And it's a slow, like that high-pitched,

Yeah, right. They all get it. In a big venue when it rolls back. Yes, rolls back. And she was like, yeah, I really like that joke. She goes, yeah, would you want me to produce your special? And she was like, think on it. And I was kind of like, I fucking made my decision. Let's do this. Yeah, think on it. But yeah, I remember being like, wow, that's pretty cool. That's amazing. So yeah.

Fucking shit, man. I got a sip left in here. Let me... Ah, there you go. Toast to her. Toast to Amy. She gets a lot of shit, but they don't know her. You don't know her. You don't know what she's like. And she's also made...

so much great shit i know and open for a tell for years by the way so what does that train wreck the uh her book is great oh yeah inside amy schumer i mean so much emmy award winning joy louis dreyfus was great on that you know donegan metzger all these people so much great killer stuff yeah but you know the internet is mean and terrifying and uh

Well, they go after us too, right? I mean, they go after everybody. Yeah, that's how it goes. I mean, you go after who's successful. I mean, it's human nature. For sure. Anyone at the top. It's like, that's why you don't want to be at the top. Top sucks. I like the bottom.

I'm a bottom. But my point was, I met Larry David, and it was the toughest moment of my life because he's like my ultimate hero. The show Seinfeld changed my life. He's my guy. He's the funniest guy. I love Curb. I love his stand-up. I just think he's like my guy, whatever it is. Amy, I'm like dancing at a wedding. I've got like 20 cocktails deep. The blazer's off. He's sitting at a table. You can tell he's miserable. He's like, I just want to go home. And...

She goes, oh, she's standing there. I'm standing there. He's sitting at a table. And she goes, Mark, you got to meet Larry. And in my head, I'm going, what?

Of course, I've been clocking him the whole night, following him, watching him with one eye, you know. And she's like, you got to meet Larry. And I'm like, oh, hey, Larry. And he goes, hey, hey. And he goes, you a comedian? I go, yeah. He goes, yeah, I can tell you're a comedian. I go, all right. And I was like, yep, yep, yep. And that was it. I left it at that. And I went, thank you, sir. That's how you do it. That's how you do it. But it took everything I had. I wanted to blow him. I wanted to make out with him. I wanted to sit on his lap. But it was the hardest thing I've ever done. But I didn't do it.

Yeah, but I bet he likes you better. Well, he probably doesn't remember me. Yeah, but you don't want that dude to remember you. If he remembers you, you fucked up royally. Good point. Good point. You know? Yeah, yeah. But it hurt. I mean, even, you know me, I can't contain. And I wanted to just go. That's your whole thing. Yeah, that's my whole thing. And I contained because it was him, the king. He is the king. Ah.

Even Norm I met and I contained. I wanted to just pull his pants off. Larry David is something else, though. It's like to go from Seinfeld to Curb is fucking insane. I know. And he did stand-up in the 70s. And he knew everybody. He did Fridays. I mean, and the guy hated himself. And he was about to be homeless. I mean, he's got so many things that I relate to. And he's just such a genius. And he never caved. And he never changed. The show is irreverent and weird and funny and dark.

I mean, everything is so... He's like, to me, he's almost keeping comedy alive and he's on HBO and everybody respects him. Ah, I love it. I do agree with you. Like, there's something about Larry that he keeps it so fucking real and the fact that he's like...

almost the villain in some episodes. The fact that he like, we'll just be an asshole. Like that's important for comedy. Completely, completely. And when they did SNL, the big 40 years or whatever it was, SNL, Eddie Murphy's there, all this shit. And they cut to Larry David and they go, what do you think? Larry goes,

I just want to go home. I hate being here. He's so true to his character. Seinfeld said he's like the only guy I've never seen change with success. Everybody gets 20 million, they just become different. He's like, I've never seen a guy not change at all. He's from Sheepshead Bay, grew up in Brooklyn in a tiny apartment with a Jewish family, and he's just still that guy deep down. I love it. He drove a cab.

Wow, that's fucking hilarious to picture. Yeah. Larry David driving a cab. I'm such a fan. He did 60 Minutes one night and I had to watch it. And they went to his old apartment in Brooklyn. He literally went there and they knock on the door and, you know, some like...

low Asian family, some crazy ethnicity answered the door and they're like, hello. Oh, and they didn't speak English. And he was like, can we come in here? And they were like, oh, duh. You know, it was great. And they went in. He's like, this is my room. The room was smaller than this room. He's like my family. My grandmother lived in New York, though. Exactly. It was amazing. He's the real deal.

I love it. He got in trouble for a 9-11 or a Holocaust joke on SNL. He did the SNL monologue. And the press hounded him about it because it was real PC time and everything. When was this? This is probably like four, whenever he did SNL, four years ago, five years ago. It's so funny. It's like, you know how you can avoid this shit? You can just say, I don't care. That's what he did. Do you think Larry David thinks 9-11 was funny? Of course not. So then shut the fuck up.

Stop making a non-story. Like, you know what, man? It was the Holocaust. It wasn't 9-11. I shouldn't say that. But either way, he's a Jew. Exactly. You know, it's just so stupid. It's a bummer. And it's also a guy who doesn't take cheap jokes. He's always so thoughtful. So that's what really bugs me. You know, where sometimes I'll see the overkill with the 9-11, never forget. And, like, I'm a New Yorker. I was here that day. I remember lining up to donate blood. I remember the whole thing. And, like...

Clearly, a 9-11 joke and poor taste, I'm not going to like. I'm a New Yorker. It's not my thing. But I'm also not going to be like, you don't deserve...

To have the floor. Right. It just really kind of, yeah, bugs me. It's strange. It's this weird guillotine society we're crafting. But also, it's like you've built up a reputation as one of the best comics. Maybe just chill the fuck out when a joke doesn't land for you. Right. Agreed. It's like this dude has built up a resume as...

a legend. So it's like, maybe he was off. Maybe you were off. What's more likely, right? Maybe you were both up. Who gives a fuck? Move on. Yeah. He just needs a story. So that's the other thing. It's like, if you give and go, man, I really fucked up back there. Or you could say, yeah, no, not every joke is for every person. Of course. And I'm a comedian. I make jokes like this one happened to hit you in your soft spot.

I joined the club. I mean, if we did that with everyone, we wouldn't have any jokes. You know, if everybody everybody's been through shit. People are offended by Seinfeld jokes. That should tell you everything you need to know. It's like, well, not every joke for everyone. Yeah, of course. Of course. And and you're fine. You're still there. You're alive. You're not hurt. You're good. No one ever. No one ever died from a joke. I know. How did your grandpa? No one. How did your grandpa die?

They fucking, they joked him to death. Yeah. It was a couple of jokes about, uh, about nine 11. He just fell to the floor. Polack. Fuck Mike. I know, but it's like jackass. His has like repercussions. The new trailer is amazing by the way. I can't wait to watch it. But jackass is like jokes, but it's pranky. It's whatever. Or Borat is pranky. I'm like, to me, that's way where things are happening to people. This is a joke about a school shooting. Yeah.

I'm not shooting any kid. These are things that are happening to people. Like you're dropping a bucket of jizz on a guy or whatever. Like that I get being mad about, but this is a, this is letters in a certain order in a sentence to elicit laughter. I don't know. The whole thing's very strange, but my point is Larry David got in trouble for a Holocaust joke and they, they questioned me and he went, what? And that was the end of it. And I was like, yeah, that's my point. Yeah.

You went, what? I'm a Jew from Brooklyn. I can't make a joke. What are you crazy? Like that, that's what you should do. That's kind of my reaction too. It's just like, well, you know, you didn't like it. You didn't like it. Here's the, here's the thing.

I have overstepped on stage and been like, ah, shit, I think I overstepped. In a way that made me feel bad. If it makes me feel bad, then I'm going to say, ah, shit, I shouldn't have said that. But otherwise, I don't get... Because I don't relate to comics who are like, oh, never apologize. I'm never going to be like groveling, but I will be like, eh, it wasn't really me. I'll say if that wasn't really me. That's kind of where I'll be like, all right. But I'll never be like...

Be like, oh, please, governor. I'll do anything. I'll suck your dick. Please. Hat in hand. No, but I have said shit where I've been like, yeah, I'm not happy with what I just said. Like, I'm displeased with myself. But here's the scary part. So that's why I don't need you to fucking come after me because I'm displeased with myself already. Well, you have a conscience and you have a soul and you're a human being. But here's the scary part. You say that thing where you're like, I didn't like that. I didn't even like that. But that's recorded. Yeah.

And now that's out there on YouTube. Recording? Recorded. Oh. And so you're like, shit, that thing I felt bad about saying even me felt bad about is now out there. That's scary shit. I would just probably say, I don't think it's that scary. Because I'm not like trying to get anything. I'm just making my own shit. So I'd probably just say, you know, hey, you know,

Didn't like that joke. I know you're thinking rationally like yeah, this is not how it goes I mean the mob attacks and they saw them. I don't want them as fans. Oh, yeah, they're attacking me They can go fuck themselves. I don't want people that would just come after me over a joke as fans I agree and I'm because I would say look at my entire body of work I have multiple albums out there or just say yeah, not not everything is perfect and

I think I'm pretty consistent with should I release myself? Right. Hear, hear. No, I mean, I'm not with you. I'm just saying. You can't let them. It's a bummer. But whenever anyone else controls the narrative, then it's bullshit. Like, I'm not just talking about them releasing your shit, you know, without consent. I would say look at any show like...

America's Got Talent or Last Comic, when they control the narrative, it's fucking bad. It's not as bad. That's why we control it because we don't trust them. So it's like, I just don't trust other people to release our shit. Sure. Yeah. I'm with you on that. I'm just saying it's a, this is the thing with canceling or whatever you want to call it is people go, Louie's fine. He's fine. I'm like, Shane Gillis is fine. I'm like, the guy's miserable. He's depressed. He wants to kill himself. Um,

Yeah, he's got a couple bucks, or yeah, he made a million views on his special, but he's sad. For the people who care about compassion and people's feelings, like, this guy might kill himself. Shane? Yeah, I mean, he won't kill himself. He's doing great, but I'm just saying. You said he's doing bad. What the hell? Well, he went through hell. He's over it now, but he went through hell. Shane is a nice guy, I think, and hilarious. And I think Shane...

- Well, it begs the question, what does the cancel mean, right? - Yeah, well, of course, of course. - Is it a scarlet letter? That's pretty upsetting too. When people say they're doing fine, it's like-- - I hate that he's doing fine. How do you know? - Well, they're not homeless. Do you wanna-- - I know, exactly. Where does it end?

Should he kill himself? Should he quit comedy? What do you want? They're not... Yeah, I mean, do you want like a documented letter from a therapist? I don't understand. Doing fine. No one knows how anyone's doing. Exactly. But they say that. They go, he's fine. Like, how do you know? Well, they're measuring it by finances. That's bad. But then the same people will say money doesn't buy happiness. Exactly. Exactly. I mean, also, you know, for me, it's kind of like a scarlet letter. It's kind of like... Right, right.

I think, you know, Shane in that video, I, you know, I don't remember it much, but it's like, I think he was kind of the guy just the other guy was doing the talking really. Right. And Shane was doing an impersonation. I mean, we don't think we don't have to break down this shit, but yeah, but I mean, Shane is, as far as I know, a pretty, a pretty solid guy and a funny guy.

Yeah, I don't like any of this fucking shit. This is what happens, Mark. You have too many of these fucking gin drinks. You turn it into a whole thing. We still need to do a bit. What? We still need to do a bit. I think we're four hours in here.

- Matt's already changed shirts, he's showered, he went home, he came back. - Matt, speaking of Louie, Matt is masturbating back there. I don't know how that happened. - Thank you, we'll put that on the Patreon. - Here's my idea, I don't know if I messaged you this, but here's a thought I had. It's about, it's a relationship joke, how women will hold in farts

and sometimes they're holding farts for like a year in a relationship, you know? - Yeah, yeah. - They do a fart, but they've never done that with feelings. - That's such a great premise. - I prefer the farts. - Yes, yes, that's the key. - The farts pass in 30 seconds. Farts never lead to real fights. You never have someone pass gas.

and then you fight for five hours. - Right. - Although in both cases she might say, I'd like some space. Something there. - There's a lot there. A woman in a restaurant, like a girlfriend, will make a scene, but then she'll hide a fart. You're like, this is way worse. - Right. - This is way worse. - I've never had you fart and been like, are we still together? - Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, and also a fart will dissipate. You don't have to come up with this perfect line to get rid of a fart. The fart will go away no matter what. If you're fighting with a girl, you've got to come up with a thing and change how you're acting. No one's ever farted and been like, a guy's ever been like, I've got to clean more. Yeah.

Or I got to go back to college or whatever. Well, you know what's funny? It's guys, we come up around farts. As women, you come up around feelings. We're comfortable with the farts. You're comfortable with the feelings. That's big. That's big. I've had guys pin me down and fart in my face. Yeah, I've never heard a guy pin me down and been like, my dad never loved me. Yeah, that's great. There's something there. That would have been a better friendship maybe. We could have gotten to the bottom of something. Instead, I just got your bottom.

All right. But no, that's big. That's a real pre-classic. Like something's cooking there. What do you got? I mean, that's the, what was the one with the, you just said it. They can't hide their feeling, but they can hide their whatever. You can fake an orgasm. That was it. That's it. You can fake an orgasm, but you can't fake a good mood. This is a precursor. That's an oldie. That's an oldie, yeah. This is going to be a biggie, this fart thing.

One of those at Dutch Oven. Comedy is so silly where it's like, that fart bit, that's going to be big for you. This is big. It's funny, we talk about jokes like businessmen are like, that account, that's going to change your life. This fart bit could turn things around for you. You're right. I would put stock in that fart bit. I'm buying it. Is that optionable?

What do they call it when a thing goes public? That's a term. All right. We don't know anything about money. What do you got? All right. All right. Shit. I got a couple ideas here. Now tell me where you're at on this one because this is a silly idea and it's hitting, but I can't figure out where to go with it. Hit me. That's what's good about you. You can figure out where to go with it. Well, don't say that. Yeah, let's hear that. Okay. Okay.

So I was at a, me and my friend went to a thrift store just ticking around, oh, let's pop into here. And I saw a used blow up doll, a used deflated blow up doll. And my friend was like, this is so gross. Some guy defiled this thing. Like how, who would buy this? This is horrific. Who would use this now? And I was like, well, what about your wife?

And he was like, what do you mean? And I'm like, well, this has only been with one person. Any normal woman has been with, you know, over 10 guys. This is actually less experienced than any woman you've ever been with. In a weird way, this is cleaner than any lady. No, it's interesting. Which I know comes off offensive, but I'm not wrong, which I like in comedy.

Yeah, I say the one difference with his wife is I don't see the other guy's stain still on her. That's true. That's true. Yeah. And you can clean this thing. You can't be like, can I get you a drink and a shower? You know, I know the cleanliness thing is a factor because a woman can shower and whatever, go to a hospital. But this also I didn't meet my ex-wife or I didn't I didn't get her at a thrift store.

- That too, but Tinder, let's be honest, it's pretty thrifty. - Yeah, Tinder is a thrift store. - Yeah, that's a Nick Griffin joke. - Oh is it, what did he say? - He just says, do you ever feel like these dating apps are a thrift store? It's like, ah, that's too used, that one's whatever. I'm butchering it, but a little wrinkled. - He's great, of course he fucking got there. Guys, if you don't know Nick Griffin. - Oh yeah, underrated. - One of the best ever YouTubers, late night sets.

Follow him on Instagram. He posts great clips all the time. Great clips. What were you saying? Yeah, that's just the bit. And I like it because it's one of those bits where you're like, he's not wrong, but it feels dicey. I don't know the guy who used to fuck that doll. But you don't know every guy who fucked, you know. You know their names.

I don't know. You know your ex's name? Ex-boyfriend? Your girlfriend's ex's name? She was in high school in another city. I don't know. You know at least a couple. Maybe a couple, but... All right. How many of those thrift... How many of those... It was one. It was one. I don't know his name, but it was one guy. That's my point. You don't know that guy. You don't know what he did for a living. That's true. You don't know about his life. That's true.

I mean, he cleaned up enough to drop this off. Exactly. He's doing better than me. Yeah, because I bought it. Yeah. I bought the doll. But no, my point is, maybe it's nothing, but I like the idea of the fact that this doll has only been with one guy and you're judging it.

You're judging this doll. This doll. Would you buy the doll? No. But I'm already, I got a lady. That's a funny way to wrap it. Uh-huh. You can say, you defend the doll, you defend, I mean, I'm not touching that thing. Right. If you say, it's on this, it's on this, I want nothing to do with it though. Right. I would, because that's funny too. I thought it'd be funnier to say I bought it, but you might be right. It's funnier to say I didn't buy it.

Yeah, I mean, I'm not a weirdo, but... I mean, I've never had a blow-up doll in my life. Well, who wants a blow-up? It's weird to get a blow-up doll when there are sex robots now. That's true. If that's your thing, that's like buying a fucking black and white TV now. It's like getting a VCR. They've got 3D TVs. You're like, no, no, no. Right, right. I'm a radio man. You don't want iTunes? Nah, I like FM.

You're right, that's like being in the radio now. Right. Yeah, the blow up door, that's why I got rid of it probably. You probably got a sex robot. That's gonna be something. Sex robots. I tried a bit the other night about sex robots, about how once I said, just like the real thing, because that's what you want. You want to fuck a sex robot and the second you're done, they're like, I'm glad you came. I didn't, but... Were you in me? Yeah. I had no idea. I'm glad it was good for you. Oh yeah, been there.

But all right, should I work on this? Yeah, absolutely. Okay, okay. I like that it's like... I like that the angle is defending the doll. I'm defending the doll. The doll's been with one guy and you're shitting on it. Yeah. The doll's been with one guy. Your wife, your sister, every woman has been with more than one guy. I'm not saying that's bad. I'm just saying that's normal. So you can't judge the doll. The doll's actually...

you know, an upstanding citizen. It's just a weird thing to buy secondhand. Of course. A woman should have mileage on her. A doll. It's weird. Any doll, like a stuffed animal that you cuddle, fun, a stuffed animal that you fuck. I want to see a sheet.

Right. A teddy bear is one thing. Right. A sex doll, it's kind of like... Even a teddy bear at a thrift store is weird. Yeah, it's like a fucking broken home. Yeah. Like, I don't want the Oliver Twist teddy doll. Thank you very much. Yeah, like, how much of a deadbeat parent are you where you're like, I got him and stuff. Oh, good dad. Well, it was a second hand. Like, Jesus, somebody loved that thing and gave it up and then you reuse the love?

Yikes. Yeah, it's like you're a good parent because you're getting your kid toys, but you're getting them at a fucking... Discount rate. Yeah. Yeah, that is bad. That could be part of it, maybe. There's something there. That's not bad. There's something. All right, all right, all right. We got something. I'll be noodling this in Wisconsin this weekend. Yeah? This comes out Sunday, right? Well, then that weekend's over. Oh, the next one. Okay, so... Where are you going to be? Rochester, baby.

baby it's a good club carlson yeah classic good room good people too yeah good people salt of the earth it's one of those towns it was like we had bausch and lohm we had kodak or whatever the fuck kodak that guy killed himself did he yeah look that i right i'm right on that yeah you know this shit wow that's matt peter's fucking uh it's it's a rochester claim to fame oh yeah that's right wow he killed him that's a photo op he killed himself because he said he was done

I did everything I wanted to do. Oh, I respect that. Went to the museum a lot as a kid. Just like one of those pictures. Click, finish. Yeah, that's it. Good. Yeah, now you develop it. I'll be on the sidewalk. What do you do? Jump off a building? Suicide? Gun in the mouth? Gunshot. Wow. Ironically, they took a photo of that body with Kodak film. Yeah. Let's be honest. He did it. Bill Cosby was a Kodak fan.

Yeah. They sponsored him, Jell-O, a couple places. Damn. Yeah. Kodak was huge. Huge. It was the film. That's funny. It's like if you're like Don Draper, you're like, we booked the Kodak account. Oh, forget about it. And then by the time Don Draper's an old man, he's like, we need to get out of this Kodak thing. Yeah. It's making no money. Now that Bausch and Loeb, Kodak, Xerox fell through, a lot of these places. Anything fax related. Yeah. Anything tangible. It's all digital now.

- So Rochester, where else you got coming up? - Rochester, Boston, New Orleans. - Love it. - Atlanta, all kinds of good days. MarkNormanComedy.com, check it out, give it a whirl, follow us online, check out our specials, we got albums, we got YouTube, give it a whirl. What do you got? - This comes out, not this weekend, but the following. So yeah, you probably just missed me in Indianapolis. I'll be in Springfield, Missouri, Chicago, Denver, Phoenix.

Buffalo, Dallas, lots of good shit. - Damn. - Samorell.com/shows. - Yes, Dr. Grin's too. - Dr. Grin's. - And Royal Oak. - Grand Rapids. Oh, Royal Oak too. - And I'm all over Michigan, the Mitten. - Michigan, man, classic. - Yeah. - Yeah, subscribe to our YouTube channel. - Yes. - Make sure to give us a review on the podcast app, tell your friends about us, follow us on social media.

Try the Patreon. I mean, check it out. If you get on it, send us an email. Give it a whirl. Tell a friend.

Send us a drink, a rec, a peeve. Patreon.com slash WeMightBeDrunkPod and email us at WeMightBeDrunkPod at gmail.com. The Patreon's popping off. Oh, yeah. We're doing all kinds of bonus shit. You want to be a part of this. Hell, yeah. And check out Full Capacity on YouTube. I think you're about to hit 200K on that beauty. Maybe you have by now. Yeah. And, yeah, all the good stuff. Thank you, guys. Thank you. Queef it up. Comedy. Comedy.