Ep 43: Juiced Up
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We might be drunk, we might be drunk, as long as we are hanging out, you know we might be drunk. Raise a glass, let's talk shit, pep heaps, wrecks and a bit, maybe drunk, we might be drunk, yeah.

All right, I'll tell you, good to be here, folks. You're all right, you're all right. All right, ready? And go. Wow, that was good. That was good. Yeah, keep it in. Hey, all right, we'll keep it in. Hey, we're back, baby. We might be drunk episode, I don't know, 30-something probably. Who the hell can keep track? We're drunk. 36? 34. 32.

42. Yes. Like Salacuse's age. 1942. Good producer. Really seems to care. Yeah. All right. Well, look, we're back. We're better than ever. We're being healthy this week. Look at this. We got wheatgrass shots. We got smoothies. We might be gay. Is this mine? Yeah. No, wait. I got the red recovery or whatever, which. I wanted the green one. Yeah. Flip it.

Flip it. The old, what is it? Princess Bride? Oh, good save. That could have been ugly. That was Wallace Shawn. My Dinner with Andre. Yes. One of the greatest snoozers of all time. I used to love that fucking movie. Oh, I got crap for...

I told you that. I told my mom and I like it. You both loved it. I loved it. I was a film student pretentious cunt and I told everybody I loved it. But it is, I couldn't watch it again. Let's do a wheatgrass shot. Hell yeah. We got to cleanse the system here. What's the toast to?

That's a good question. I mean, I love the weather in New York. It's autumn. Can't beat it. 70 degrees outside and the sun is shining. You know what's funny? This is going to be harder to take than tequila. This smells like crap. This is hell. We shoot alcohol. It's funny. I see people complain when they take a whiskey shot and I'm like, pussy. I don't want to see my face after I take this wheatgrass. Yeah, this is... This is going to be shooting in another direction. Oh, yeah. I'd rather drink jizz. Yeah.

That's not bad, actually. That wasn't bad. I'm surprised. It smells worse than it is. That's true. It's kind of like lawn trimmings. Oh, man. That was tough. Now, does that actually help? Is that really doing anything? Nobody knows. What do we know? Yeah. I don't know if it helps. You see these L.A. people taking these every day, and I'm like, what do you know? Is that anything? Your state's on fire. Ha ha.

What the hell do you know? All homeless, states on fire, the whole thing. The L.A. homeless scene is rough, too. Because it's like, you could tell a lot. There's good-looking homeless people, so you could tell a lot of them had bigger dreams. Oh, that's true. You see a hobo that looks like Hugh Jackman, you're like, shit. You should have been a contender. Right, yeah, because it used to be, oh, that's a good-looking actor. I mean, a good-looking waiter. He's probably an actor. Now it's a good-looking hobo. This is pretty good. Mm-hmm.

I think we're gonna feel good after this. I hope so. This is like the opposite of a cocktail. It's like, it's not that good going down, but I think the other end. Yeah. We're good. Right now the beer Jew is somewhere in New York going, I feel a weird pain in my chest. I feel like we're cheating on him with this shit. Well, yeah, man, I'm hurting still, but I'm getting there. The neck, the back. The neck's killing me, but I'm getting there.

What are you going to be like at 80? It ain't going to be pretty. I'm going to be pushing you around in a wheelchair. I'm going to be one of those guys who's bent in half. You ever see those? The city literally broke them. They're like this. Yes, exactly. They're like a fucking right angle. Brutal. Scoliosis. There you go. Yeah, but that's got to start somewhere. Have you seen Bernie Sanders' posture? That ain't good. Oh, man. It's all shoulders. He's like a scarecrow.

Yeah. It's just like, you just see all that anxiety he has. You know he's like an anxious guy. Yeah. You know it's like all here. All up there. He's got a hump, that guy. I mean, that's just years of activism just weighing on him. Like, oh, civil rights and anti-Semitism and, you know, rich people. The Hunchback of Burlington starring Bernie. Yeah, no, look at him. He's not...

Yeah. Oh, man. It's just no neck. Andy's skin has turned pink. He looks like a baby gerbil. Oh, yeah. There's some Benjamin Button vibes going on here for sure. What about my ass? Yeah, he does. He's got a real bridge troll thing cooking there. He's the eighth dwarf, Jewy. He scares you with complaints. These allergies are killing me. Oh, my God. This is so funny.

A future to believe in. What is he doing now? I always wonder, like, Yang? What's Yang up to? All these guys who- Oh, he's still a senator. Oh, is he? Yeah. Oh, all right. That's something. Yeah. He's still around. What do they make? He just had a heart attack. What? They make a few hundred K probably, but he's also rich from books and stuff. Oh, yeah. The books. That was the whole thing, that he has extra- that he has a summer home, and you're like, he's 80. Right. Right.

That's true. He needs a summer. Once you're over 75, just let him have it. Yeah, that's true. You know what they say? After 75K a year, you don't get happier. You ever heard that? I believe it. Yeah, I believe it too. Well, look at Rodney Dangerfield, man.

Still miserable. He was a miserable guy. I don't think money and fame bring you happiness. No. Because then there's always something. If that's what you're chasing, it's not something that satisfies you. Yeah. They say never buy your dream car because then you have nothing to shoot for. It's just a metaphor. Even though I bought mine. Suck it.

I can't drive, so I don't know if that works for me. So you'll be really miserable. Or I'll be really happy. Or happy, or happy, yeah. It's all a choice, I think. I just need a dream car to continue to never be able to drive, and I'll stay happy. There you go. There you go. I'll give you a ride. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, you got to find your own happiness. You got to do it yourself. It's all up here, folks. Yeah.

That's what they say. That's what they say, man. What's in your smoothie here? What are you sipping on here? I got some beets. That's brain food, they say. Yes. Beets and peppermint is supposed to be good for the brain. Peppermint? Yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah. Beets by Dre, carrot, I think some radish, and maybe celery? Celery?

I don't know. I feel like celery is good for you. I think it is. It's the only food where you eat it and you burn calories because it has so little food, like fat or calories, that actually chewing it burns more than it is. So why are we eating it? Tastes good? Nope.

You throw some peanut butter on there, it's pretty good. Ants on a log. Yeah, a little raisin action. Oh, yeah. Peanut butter is versatile, man. Oh, it's my favorite. You can put it anywhere. I get the thing from Amazon. It's like this big. It's like a drum. Really? Oh, yeah, because I don't want to keep buying it. I keep buying it every week. I'm a junkie. That's your vice, peanut butter. You never got any almond butter, Chris. I tried it. It doesn't hit the spot. Crunchy or creamy? Creamy.

Creamy. What? I know. I get this every time. Get this every time. What are you? Crunch. You guys are a bunch of Bernie bros with your crunch. Crunch? What would you rather have? Who doesn't want crunch? Why would I want more obstacles in my life? I want to just slurp it in. Is this in the Olympics? I don't need to be chewing all day. All day? What is it?

What about these natural peanut butters? What a nightmare that is where you got to mix the oil in. Like, well, what am I, at work? That's work. I'll give you that. That's work. What am I, Amish? I'm fucking shaking it. I'm churning butter here. Exactly. I'm mixing things every day. Get out of town. I just want to scoop it. I can't believe you're creamy over. See, my girlfriend got creamy the other day. Yeah.

And I was like, I didn't say anything, but I was kind of like, what the hell? And I was like, and then one day I brought up, I was like, are you a creamy person? And she goes, no, I'm crunchy. It's just I only had creamy. And I was like, all right. I'm creamy over nothing. Okay. But I'm crunchy if I've got the option. I think I'm prison creamy. Oh, yeah. I got you. I got you. The only thing there, I'll take it. I prefer the term smooth. If you call it creamy, it sounds a little...

Crunchy versus smooth. You said sexual. Who would you rather hang out with, a guy who's crunchy or a guy who's smooth? Did the sex act ruin the Boston cream pie?

What is a Boston cream pie? It's like a... Whatever. Look it up. It's like a cream pie. I know the cream pie. I don't know the Boston cream pie. That's where you jizz in the... I think it's got chocolate on top. Oh, so there's shit involved. Oh, like the Boston cream donut. You ever do that? Oh, yeah. That's a good donut. Great donut. That is a Boston cream pie. But wait, what's the sex act? It's gotta be... The cream pie is just you come inside someone. Their ass. And then it comes out. I believe... But what makes it a Boston? Yeah. Because that's just a cream pie. To its father. To its father.

But a Cleveland Steamer doesn't come from Cleveland. I know, but a Steamer isn't an act. A cream pie is still an act without the boss. No, a Cleveland Steamer is the act. I know, but it's got Cleveland, but there's no Steamer alone. A cream pie can be alone is what I'm saying.

I think the Boston cream pie is when you cream inside a woman and then go chase your dreams like Will Hunting. It's not your fault. I got to see about an ass. What is the. I went along. I went longer for that joke than he went to go find that girl. Great role, by the way, by Robin.

By Robin? Williams. Oh, yeah. Killed it as the serious psychiatrist. Yeah, I just saw Matt Damon in an interview say that their whole idea was like... I think they heard Reservoir Dogs. Tarantino got $500K of funding once they got Harvey Keitel attached. So when he and Ben Affleck were writing it, they were like, we just need to get...

one actor attached and we can get this made. So they cast such a wide net with that character. It could have been a woman. We voted. So if Meryl Streep was interested, it could have worked. We could have been a black guy. We could have had that Southie tension. Oh, yeah. So we were like, if Denzel was interested, and then they got Robin Williams. Wow. We killed it. Won the Oscar, right? Won the Oscar. I don't know.

I believe he did. I think he did. I know they won for writing. I don't know if he won for that. I think he won. I think he won. Look it up. That year, I think it was 97. That was a hot year. Hot year. I think, was that L.A. Conf?

I think that might have been the next year. Shakespeare in Love. Oh, Titanic. Yes, you're right. Titanic, Boogie Nights. Wow. Man. As good as it gets. That was a fun year. Movies really fell off a cliff. They really did. The 90s, man. They were on a tear. It was like Saving Private Ryan, Forrest Gump, Pulp Fiction. And he got that role. He said he got that role because Robin Williams introduced him to Spielberg.

Wait, who? Uh-huh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Matt Damon of Spielberg. I see. So he was like, oh, he had gained weight, I guess, because he was really skinny for some movie he'd done. And he's like, oh, I saw you in that. I really liked you. But the guy needs to be heavier. And then he met him, and he was like, oh, he's heavier. I think it was Courage Under Five? Yes, that's what it was. You're good. That's what put him on the map, because he got really thin. So you're right here, about 1997, Best Supporting Actor.

Goodwill hunting. Hell yeah. This is good, dude. I never do this. You don't like it? You did green and green? Yeah. You did the green shot and the green drink? I'm funny. It's all green. Green New Deal. What did you get? You got the orange pizzazz. It's called recovery and it's got like a... Recovery. Yeah. It's very sharp. A lot of carrot. Yeah, a lot of carrot. Ginger. A lot of ginger. That's what it tastes like.

Ginger. You don't like it? It just burns. I don't know why it's good. Is that good? I mean, I think so. Depends what her name was. All right, I'll tell you. Was it worth it? There it was. There's a clip.

Yeah, I was a smoothie every other day guy for a while. Really? They're so expensive in New York. They're like 20 bucks now. Yeah, Roy Wood's got that great bit about peach tranquility. He goes, the tranquility's like $5. Just give me the peach. Man, I like how you did a little Rodney on that, too. I'll tell you. Peach. I just thought, you guys want to hear my prior? I'll tell you. The cups.

Boy, Roy Wood, one of the best comics in the country. And one of the best people. Great guy. So I'm watching Only Murders in the Building, the show with Steve Martin and Martin Short. And Roy Wood's in it. He's got a cameo in it. What? And he's got a cameo with Martin Short and Steve Martin. So I text him, like, dude, what the hell? And he's like, oh, I got stories for you. Like, spent the whole day with them. Said they couldn't have been cooler. We got to get him on here. We got to get him on here. Did you say that? Oh.

Does he live in New York? He does, right? He's on The Daily Show. You never know anymore. He's got kids and the pandemic. I don't know. Yeah, I feel like a lot of comics now, they're just on the road. Yes, exactly. Because you're tired during the week if you're on the road every week like we are. Yeah. Why does your shirt say Gay Dracula? I have no idea. Somebody sent this to me. I don't know what it means. It might be a band. It might be a...

a sex act. I don't know. Do you feel weird walking around the street in a shirt that says gay on it? No, no, because I'm like, this is your problem. You guys figure it out because I'm getting a lot of like, what the hell is that? And then they feel like it's not in the know. So I'm loving it. I don't know. Can we Google it? I'm looking it up. I'm getting nothing here. All right. Even better. It's like that bar with no sign. Oh, there's a sign. Ha ha ha.

Gay Dracula. There you go. You're lucky we're in Herald Square, not Chelsea. You would have been chased in this building right there. I'll take it. Loving this smoothie, man. This is good, man. I'm into it. Salak is really fucked up with all that ginger. Yep. Nothing worse than an Irishman. Ginger, if you rearrange it, what do you get?

Oh, boy. All right. It's not my joke. It's not. It's not a joke. That's bad. Well, somebody has that joke. I think it's Byron Bowers. Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay. Context is big with that one. Sure, sure, sure. He's a ginger. Oh, my God.

Oh man. Are we talking about diners? Oh, we were talking about diners earlier, right? Yeah. Yeah, me and Sally went to one last week. Yeah. Ben's. It was good? Very good. It's right over here. I think it's on 38th. We should all go. Yeah.

I got the beef barley. We got a potato pancake. A latke. And the pastrami. Didn't you text me that you felt bad that you knocked Jewish diners or something? No, we were knocking the garbage plate

Yes. Oh, yeah. And then we went out and ordered the garbage plate. We just ordered eight different things and ate them separately. But it was basically a garbage plate on eight plates. But that feels a little more dignified. It was better. It's like getting drunk on wine versus getting drunk on sangria. Mmm. You know? Interesting. You're still drinking wine. Right. But it just feels a little, I don't know. It's a little shittier because there's sugar in there and plants. Yeah. When you dump it all in together, it's just a lot. Ugh.

Yeah, I agree. I don't get sangria. I think that's like a mom thing. Like, moms are out, you know, and it's Friday night. You know, the kids are at summer school or whatever. For me, it's like a kid drink because the hangover is just vicious. Vicious. I had friends in college who would make that shit with, like, Franzia. Oh. And they'd make it so it would taste good. But then, like, that next day, you're like, even as a kid, you're like, Jesus Christ. Because what are you throwing in there? Like, you know, tequila. Some people have all these good. Mm-mm.

People do weird shit with that. Look it up. There was hard liquor in sangria. Really? Not always, but usually. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, I'd never get it. Never liked it. Oh, it's not like I'm going to walk into a bar and be like, what kind of sangria do you have? That's not my go-to, but I'm saying there's a time and a place. And I noticed every bar says sangria half off because they're trying to get rid of that shit. It sucks. They just make a concoction. What the hell's in that stuff?

Yeah, look it up. Which one? Just the regular sangria? Yeah, yeah. Sangria cocktail recipe. I know people throw weird shit in there. Yeah, I think they're just- A lot of fruit. Yeah. The fruit, it's a summery drink. Sure. This one we need the bear juice. Two tablespoons of sugar. More sugar? We got all that wine? Exactly. Bottle of red wine.

Brandy. That's what it is. Yeah, but people do different. I think they do like, what's the thing that goes in a Long Island iced tea? Everything. Everything. I know, but it starts with a T. Tequila. No. Tonic. Interesting little fact. Sangria in Espanol means blood.

Nice, good drink for a gay vampire. Gay Dracula. Gay Dracula. Damn it. Ah, shit. Blood. Wow, that is not appetizing. What's the difference between Dracula and a vampire? Is just Dracula's a vampire? He's just a vampire that he's the famous vampire. Yeah. Yeah. Is there an unfamous vampire? Is there like Ralph? Infamous, maybe. Maybe, but all you know is Dracula. It's a whole species of just one guy. Wasn't the whole thing in the books he had the...

the hair on his hands and that many jacked off a lot. What? Yeah. You did this, right? I said that. That was good. I never heard that. Dracula's got hairy hands because he wanks it a lot. What does one have to do with the other? I don't know. I wank it a lot. I think it was supposed to be symbolism or something. I have no idea. Look it up. I've heard you go blind. I've heard that one. Never heard about the hairy hand. Mark, where are you? No. Wait, what? I was trying to yes and you. I just got it. Sorry.

Man, you ever see blind people in New York? You're like, wow, you're like on the hardest blind level. Yeah. You're in Manhattan blind. Are you fucking nuts? You got to get on a train. You got to watch out for city bikes. You get this homeless. That's insane. There's a lot.

- Why did Dracula have hairy palms? Evidence of Dracula's embodiment of the Victorian homosexual male and masturbator and found in two separate passages, Dracula is the Victorian masturbator. Fascinating. - See, I was right. - And he's gay, gay Dracula. - Yeah. - Wow. - You talk to gay comics and they all will mention every villain in Disney and all that is gay.

And it's weird. You see a lot of them. They were a lot of effeminate. Yes. Yes. Because it may be like the big brawny, you know, tough, good guy. And then the villain would be like, well, talk to me, Batman. You know, it's always like that. Yeah. He man was the only time where the hero was super gay. I mean, who's gayer than he man? Robin's pretty good. Robin's up there. Who I did came out as by. He's by. Yeah. Why by?

What, because they have to ease people into it? I guess. Like, he fucks women too, slow down. Yeah, yeah. Try explaining queer. It's like, I don't even know. Queer means you fuck trans as well. I'm looking it up. I don't think that's true. That's what I heard from gay Dracula. I don't know. Queer, I think it's also, it fucks men, women, and trans.

Oh, God. I thought you were going to say fucks men, women, and children. I'm like, wow, that's pretty progressive there. Yeah, yeah. That's open-minded. Mean to be queer. Boy, your Google history is getting wacky today. I can't wait for your wife to have to borrow your computer. Matt, why are you asking all these questions about gay vampires? Mm-hmm.

I can't believe you shaved, dude. I haven't seen you clean shaven in so long. Yeah, I don't know. What did it in? You were sick of grooming the mustache or what? It was just ready for a change and boom, that was the change. It works. It's really cool that men can do that. Women can't. I guess bangs or a ponytail or something. But change your whole face. Change your face.

My phone didn't recognize me. Whoa. You know what's crazy about the facial recognition? It works when I have sunglasses on. Isn't that weird? I'm like, don't you need my eyeballs? But I guess not. Maybe it's just shape. I think it's shape. It's interesting. You know what you look like right now? You look like you're in a fugitive type movie and you're on the low and you change something drastic. It looks like Matt hiding, not Matt. Right. Something's up. You're in Witness Protection.

Witness protection. I'm a lamest. At a certain point, at a certain age, it sounds fun. Oh, yeah. You know, because you're like, you know, I guess it depends on your life, but at a certain point, you're like, man, it'd be fucking fun to start over. New friends, I could try a different personality. There's too much out there in me now. That's true. You go live in Boca, you're a new guy. Yeah, you could just start a whole new life and choose it. How many witness protection people? I wonder what the percentages that go to Florida. Oh, it's a lot.

Do they get to choose the state? 80%. Just make it somewhere warm. It's always warm. Is it always warm? No, they say good fellas. He's like, just talk to the guy, tell him somewhere warm. I wonder, do they get input on that? I don't think they want to give away where the witnesses are. That would be too easy. Well, he's got to be out there. I don't know. I bet Florida and Arizona are big ones. I bet they're number one, one and two. Although if you were hiding for your life, you can't go to those places.

Wouldn't you go somewhere like Nebraska or somewhere further off the grid? Now, that's a movie. The mob guy, the New York mob guy goes to Nebraska and everything's slow and he's like, I can't get a fucking slice around here. Maybe this time he gets busted because he's on Tinder. Maybe that's how they get him. I used to whack people. I whacked them up. My palms are hairy. Now I'm a gay Dracula. Look at me. Ha, ha, ha.

Man, the mob, I mean, they have the height, pinnacle of life. They're getting women and booze and money and all this, and then they always fall. It can't last.

Yeah, it's weird. Like, I was just reading an article about this mobster who his son, he tweeted a picture of the dad in Florida and it gave away his location. So he got he went to prison. And then it mentioned like the crime family and everyone, the crime family was like in the 80s. And you're kind of like, how scary is that, dude? Exactly. To make it that long. Right. Each year you survive as a gangster is like another 10 percent street cred. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Because your own people want to kill you. The other gang wants to kill you. The FBI wants to kill you. The cops want to kill you. It's not easy. I was just listening to Sam Harris on my way here. And someone asked him a question about a guy who was arrested in Germany for crimes against humanity against the Jews. He's 100 years old. Wow. And they're like, is it important to prosecute this guy or is he no longer a threat to society? Hmm.

Well, he's not a threat, but you got to pay for your sins there, pops. Yeah. God, bad people live for so long. 100 years old. 100 years old. Wow. Wouldn't you like to just kick him once as a Jewish guy? Like, I know he's old, but just like, all right, we're even. That's the punishment is like you got to put him in one of those like old school French or whatever. Gauntlet. Yeah, gauntlet. Oh, yeah. And everyone walks by and goes. And that way he just dies of COVID. That's how you get him. He's like, juice spit. It's burning. It's burning.

That would be funny if it burned. That would be great. But Elie Wiesel is dead. This guy's fucking 100. It's a good point. It's a good point. Maybe torturing people is good for you.

I mean, I don't know. I'm just trying to figure out why they live so long. It's got anti-aging properties in it. Some doctor's like, look, I don't like bringing this info in here, but salmon and just beating the shit out of people is really good for your skin. I know. It's got antibodies. Bad people. You think about that. If you're like a dad who walks out on your family, you've got to be like aging well.

It's a lesser responsibility. Exactly. If you're a deadbeat, you're probably doing all right. Definitely. That's why they leave. Going out for a pack of smokes. Why do we call them deadbeats? We should call them live beats. Am I right, guys? There it is. All right. Mark it. I'll tell you. Count it. You're all right. You're all right. Good crowd. What a crowd. What a night. What a bullshit artist. All right.

You got to watch this Dangerfield clip of him on. He's doing a set for Ronald Reagan and George Bush Senior. Yeah, pull it up, dude. The amount of jokes he rattles off. Wow. Pull it up. Can we plug this in? The amount of jokes he rattles off in like three minutes is the crazy. It's like 400 jokes. Is it the correspondence thing? I don't know. It's not a correspondence thing. I don't think. Or the inauguration. I don't know what it is, but it's like. No.

Because there's another clip of Rickles at the Correspondence. Put in Reagan, yeah. And he is killing. And it's like the worst setup ever for a comedian, and he pulls it out. This is one we could tell, here we go. Oh, I've seen this. You've seen this? This is great, yeah. Just put it on the first, the beginning. Or cut to a couple, like 40 seconds in when he gets momentum. Reagan was pretty funny, I gotta say. What a crowd, what a crowd.

He's already funny. Come on! That's already two. Oh, Nancy Reagan's a fucking drip. She's a wet blanket.

I know. He's waiting for that applause. Oh, there's Senior. How'd we all miss that joke?

And these are clean! Yeah. Yeah! Is that the haymaker? What a combo!

I was a kid too. I worked in a pet store. People kept asking how

You can end it there. That's great. That's like a master class. Because it's like he doesn't even give him a second. That's like Tyson in his prime. He's like, mm, mm, mm. Yes, yes. Just rattling, rattling, rattling. It's like a speed bag. Look up the Rickles one. That would be great, though. Inauguration, I think. That would be great if he just went filthy in there all of a sudden. He's like, I'll tell you. I can't get a pair of tits these years. Got a hooker in my room the other night. She wouldn't fuck me. What the hell? She blew the horn and the chauffeur. Ha, ha, ha.

He just gets serious. He's like, but seriously, my wife is cheating on me. I'm very unhappy. I'll tell you, they're still laughing. My wife pecked me all wrong. I'm still bleeding.

That's not the inauguration. It's the... Oh, maybe it is. Maybe it is. It's a round stage. It's like a hell gig. But he pulls it out. It's so impressive. It's one of the hardest... I hope he pulls it out. He was begging me for weeks, I'll tell you. Roast Ronald Reagan? Second inauguration? No, I don't think it's a roast. Maybe. Maybe. I don't know. Shit. This sure looks like it's it. Is that round? That's it. That's a round, yeah. Maybe that is it. I think it's it. If it's not, we'll go there. Oh, yeah. Yeah, this is it. Emmanuel Lewis? No.

This kid's probably 41 right here. He had that disease. I got nothing. I thought that was gonna get a laugh. See how hard it is, Pipsqueak? Alright, now Rickles, he's just shitting blood right now. I guarantee, like, oh, fuck, this is a tough gig. No opener, no host.

To warm him up. This kid was the opener. Be funny. Oh! Now what do you get? Now this is off the cuff. Yeah, but he's already funny too. I know, he's great. Both from Queens, by the way. First black kid I ever saw that'll definitely never play basketball. Wow. Come on, how did he? 40 million stars. I get a little kid out here. Doesn't know what time it is and brings me out. You're standing here with the band with the same cockamamie music.

This is a horrible gig. Why are you talking to me?

Pause it. This is how hard comedy is. He's going all off the cuff. There's a bazillion people in there. The president's in there. And he's trying his hardest to be funny. So he's talking to the producer. Well, this is the hard thing when you do what Rickles did, which is really off the cuff. I mean, sure, he had lines. But this is crazy. It's an anxiety attack. You're like, is he going to come up with something? I feel for the guy. Oh, you did that MTV gig. Oh.

Biggest bomb in my life. 5,000 people. That's not true. I bombed in Wichita in front of Schumer and 20,000 people. But yeah, that was the bomb of the year. It's so tough. It's tough. You do a hell gig sometimes and there is no chance. No. Usually you know, but there is that ego that we all have where we're like,

No one's done well, but I can turn it around. And then you go up there and you're like, oh, I can't. No, no. Humbling moment. Yeah, and we're writers. This guy, I mean, he obviously has jokes in his back pocket, but he's such a fucking...

Beast that he's like I'll figure it out I'll figure it out up there I'll make it work I'll talk to this guy I'll fuck with the kid That is so impressive to just go no net like that It's insane It is no net No net and he gets it In like two minutes he's getting huge applause And he pulls it out People don't realize how hard that is Fast forward a little to where he's killing

Like, the Rodney thing, he has the Joe, he's got a rapid fire, which is way safer and also great. Safer, but like... He had to write those. Not, I mean, the pace he went, not stumbling at all. Amazing. Just, I mean, he must have run the hell out of that. Oh, yeah. And also Rodney in the bow tie, it all just works, man. Yes! The whole entity is funny. It's not just the words.

Jay Leno said there's two kinds of comics. There's a comic who says funny things and the comic who says things funny. Rodney is both. Yeah. And that's rare. Shoot Webster. You can see he's got his confidence back. Anyway. That's great.

He's rolling! It's over. It's over. I'll tell you this. Man! Man!

This is too fast, Ronnie. I should call the president Ronnie.

It works because Reagan's laughing too. If you get a guy who's a bad sport, like if you had Trump in that room, he's not Trump at his own. I mean, do you ever see the clip of Artie Lang talking about roasting Trump? And I think he's talking about Seth Meyers. And he says like, you know, Trump.

Trump, you know, he comes into Howard Stern, they're talking and Trump was like, this guy had the set of the knives, the funniest guy in the show. And then Artie retells one of the jokes about, I think the joke was something about like, you know,

I forgot. It was some joke about Ivanka. And the second he retells it, Trump goes, he bombed. He just bombed. He had nothing. What a dick. So it's like he couldn't take it. Once he remembered that he mocked him. Right, right. You know? He lied and said he bombed. Yeah. That's fucked up. That's such a kid move. You're like an eight-year-old. Yeah.

Man. Yeah, we don't have to pull it up because there's a lot of clips, but there's a Trump video where I can't remember who is roasting him at the Correspondents Dinner, but he is stone-faced. It's Obama. Is it Obama? Yeah, and people say that this is the moment where Trump decided to run for president. Oh, wow. You know what's weird? 2011 White House Correspondents. Was this around when he was pulling the birther thing? You know what's interesting, too, is there was a time where this was...

Fair game. Like, we were not this divided back then. No, no. You see something like this, it was much more. Now, if you just went up there and, like, playfully roasted someone on either side, the other side would just call you, like, a cuck. Yes. They'd say you're, like, you know, a sellout. You're part of the system. Great point. Back then, it was, like, an honor. Yep, yep. But now, with Twitter, you would just be torn to shreds. You're right. Like, Michelle Wolf tore apart both sides, but people knew she skewed left, so she was torn apart by Fox News. Mm.

You know, they were like, she's the anime. Right. You know, even though she really did go after both sides. She did, yeah. She made fun of, what's her face's eye makeup? The smoky eye. Huckabee. Huckabee, yeah. So you remember the Norm when he roasted Saget? Yes. And it was sort of like all those 1940s jokes. Anti-comedy. Anti-comedy.

So I heard Saget talking about that after he passed. And he said the reason he did that was because he respected me and loved me so much. He was like, I don't want to say bad things about my friend. Right, right. So he was like, and you can't get up here and not say bad things. So he went the other way. He got jokes on the 1940s. He also said in the room, it dies.

He's like, everybody high-fived me after they said that was my favorite thing. And he's like, it bombed hard in the room, which I believe. I mean, he's saying like, you got a head like a flower, cauliflower. And the audience is like, what the fuck's going on? But it was legendary later. They don't get what he's doing. I mean, comics are like, oh, you're, we know, comics know how funny he is. So they know he's burning a hole. Yeah. But yeah, audiences like, what? I know.

It's weird. It's like... It is. We all had those friends early on when you're doing late night sets and you just decide... I remember Joe Mackey and I were early on. We were at the comic strip late one night and this guy, Glenn Coyle, who passed away a few years ago, really funny guy, he would do that. He would literally just stick around and try to make us laugh. When the crowd was horrible one night, he just went on and it was Mother's Day and he goes...

I'd love to tell jokes, but my mom just recently passed away, and he fake cried for five minutes on stage. We were howling in the back. The crowd was like, what the fuck is going on? But he did that for us, and Norm did that for the comics. Right, right. That's fucking wild. Some comics just have that in them, where they're like, I'm doing this for you guys. You don't care. That's what it is. You care so little, which is weird because of how desperate we all are. Yes. It really...

We're all so desperate for laughs. You can see it in Mark and my comedy. We need a laugh pretty quickly. We do a lot of punchlines. And there are some people who go up there and they're like, I'll get it when I get it. I don't give a shit. It's rare that great comics have that. So when great comics have that,

You're like, holy shit. Yes, it's even more fun to watch because you're blown away. That's a great point. Yeah. So true. We're just trying to survive up there. And they're like, I'll be good. Yeah. I don't have that. Yeah. I'm more like Rodney where I'm like, just because I've been secure. You definitely have Rodney influence. Oh, yeah. It's interesting. I mean.

I definitely, I'll do stories sometimes, but it is very painful for me to, to work, to like write them, to like figure them out. Oh, sure. Like Matt, you watch me bomb a lot on roofs, like trying to like, that's painful, man. Like it's, oh yeah, it's, that doesn't feel good. No, but I'm, I'm glad it doesn't feel good. Cause I don't want everybody doing it. But you're a funny storyteller when you're not on stage.

Is there a difference for you? Like trying to sell that same story to a crowd? Sure. I mean, with you, if I'm telling you a story, you like me. So you want the story to succeed. I could be telling this to a room full of strangers who are like, what? Wait, you like him? Enough for a story. Stories are tough. Don't you have a guy who comes up and he goes, I got a great story for you. And you go, ah. And also, you just built it up. That too. That's the kiss of death.

Oh, maybe I got something I got to tell you. I got a great story. I got a hilarious one for you. Ooh. Okay, well now you just raised the bar. Yep, yep. I like this. This is how I like to do it. If I'm on stage and I got a new bit, even though I think it's pretty good, I'll go, hey, can I try one out here? Mm.

And they're just like, oh, it's going to suck. And then if it's good, they're like, holy shit, if it sucks, you're like, he told us it would suck. Right. Yeah, I got to move like that, too. I go, this is where I'll lose half of you, but fuck it, we're at a strip mall in Albany. And that always hits just because I'm in Albany. They're like, we are in Albany. You know, they go nuts when you mention where they are for some reason. I do it during sex. I go, this might be terrible, but let me try some shit out here. Yeah. What do you got on a peeve?

Okay, I got one. This is an old school one for me. It bothers me. Me and Vitor were doing it all week. I used to know a guy who would always go, hey, buddy. That buddy, it's a tough one. No, I don't like it. I'm going to go ahead and say the word buddy altogether. When are you called buddy with sincerity? Buddy's tough. Even when I text it like, thanks, buddy. I'm like, eh, it feels weird. Bud is a little better. Buddy, you're going two syllables further.

It's kind of kiddy. It's a little childlike. It's like saying, he's my best friend. You're like, all right, what do you hate? Come on. Little buddy's even worse. Hey, little buddy. That's great for a veeter, though. He is a little buddy. He's my little buddy.

Or, hey, buddy. Yeah, buddy. Just the way he said it was like, so we just do that voice all weekend. Oh, yeah. Hey, buddy. And it does sound like- Amigo. He's fucking with you. Hey, buddy. Give me your lunch money or something. Let's swap some insurance, buddy. Oh, are we friends? Yeah. It's like when a foreign guy goes, my friend, my friend. You're like, we've never met. Stop calling me your friend. Yeah. If you have to say it, is it true? Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, we've seen those. I've seen the drunk guy. You definitely see in those corner stores and the drunk guy. And he goes, please, my friend. You're like, that guy's trying to fight you. Right, right. You're trying to trick him with the friend thing. Yeah, my friend, my brother, buddy. Yeah, it's all too much of a leap. Pal?

Yeah, we don't even know each other man dude or kind of this a foreign. I don't mind man and dude Yeah, I don't mind those bro is fine. I'm fine with bro Seinfeld says dude, which is weird cuz he's like so older. He's so much older than us It's weird that he's like what's up, dude? Oh, you are a child. Oh my god. Yeah, that's crazy I know and then while he texts it like oh that dudes great. I'm like whoa. What are you surfer? Oh my god. I know and

He's a kid. What are we going to talk like when we're old? Probably the same exact way. Queef and gay Dracula and pegging. I know you know the movie Comedian, Backwards and Forwards. Oh, yeah. Remember that scene where he's on the beach in a... Yes, a wetsuit. In a wetsuit. And he's hugging the wife and she slaps his ass. Yeah. Yeah. He's like jumping for joy like a little kid. We're all kids. You know, I...

That sounds like one of Michael Jackson's defense. We're all kids. We're all kids on the inside, and I was inside of him. Sorry. I was listening to the director's commentary on that scene. I was like, this is so strange because it's unlike every other scene. It's also the only scene that's not in a nightclub. Right. And you see the camera sort of going, pulling away. And they interviewed the camera guy, and he said, I felt embarrassed.

to see something so intimate. And he sort of like just starts panning away. Yeah, it is weird seeing that. But hey.

He fucking edited it. It's real, too. It's not a movie. It's got to be weird doing a sex scene in a movie. Even if it's tasteful, you're like, well, I'm still naked in a bed with a stranger. I don't get it. With people watching. I couldn't do it. Let me compliment you for a second. You had some pretty revealing intimate moments in your documentary that came out this week. Did I? That's true. Yes, I did. That's rare.

Yeah, you know. Yeah, most people aren't filming themselves. Most people, if they're posting stuff that's intimate, it's like under their control on like Instagram. You were filming me, so it wasn't really like my... Yeah. I didn't really have control. And the comments reflected that. I don't know if you read a lot of the comments. They did, yeah. Did they? Yeah.

Well, we rarely get sincere and vulnerable, so when it happens, it pops. You know? Yeah. Well, that's how it should be. It means more. Totally. You don't want to... Because some comics waste those moments, and they overuse them, and then it becomes not fun. Guys, this is... Guys, I...

had to share this with you. Exactly. I just booked an audition. And you're like, all right, let me gather everyone around. Let's take you out to dinner. You booked an audition. I know. Act like I really killed tonight and met the world. Act like you've been there. You really killed tonight? You're a comedian. You're supposed to be killing. Some nights are the type I have to share with the world. Ah, geez. Blow me.

Get out of here. The sex scene, though, I couldn't do. I had to make out with a girl once in a college movie, whatever, a film student thing. And she pulled me in by my tie, and she was like the, what do you call it, the boss. And I was the employee, the intern, and she was flirting with me. And I was rock hard. Really? I couldn't believe it. She was so hot, and she was such a great actor that she was like, come here, big boy. And I was like, I totally blew the scene and my pants. But yeah.

I don't know how people do it.

I mean, we did like four takes and they're like, you got to get it together. I was like, all right, I can't. She was so hot. You have to get it. What the hell? I was such a, I'm a horrible actor and I couldn't. That's a great excuse. You rock. Are you jizzing your pants? You're like, I'm sorry. I'm not a good actor. I'm sorry. I'm covered in jizz here. Yeah. It doesn't work with the, with the lady. I'm like, sorry, I'm a bad actor. Finished in two seconds. I'm a bad actor. Yeah. But I mean, this girl was, she was so good at it. I was like, I was like 19, you know, I was, I was a mess.

Yes. I still think about that. We didn't even touch. You were at a horny age, too. Yeah, yeah. And she was probably like 25, so I thought she was like a woman. Ah, the whole thing was hot. There's a great scene on Entourage when Johnny Drama books apart playing the brother of Brooke Shields, and he talks about how he always had a crush on her. And he has a hugging scene with her, and he gets hard. Ah.

And she's furious. But I got to imagine, like, if you're on a sex scene, like, that must happen. Of course. Yeah, you probably have to jack off before. Yeah. I know a couple guys. That's got to be weird. They're calling you to set. Give me a minute.

I'm in the trailer. The trailer's shaking. Take five. Why are your palms hairy? All right, gay Dracula, take one. But actors are always telling you, we know a couple actors, they all go to film or actor classes and acting classes, and they all say, like, if you want to hook up with a girl, you do a kissing scene with her, and then you're in. Like, they go home later, and they went to practice, and it's over. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I remember I did an acting class once and that happened. Oh, there you go! The whole scene was like, I was like a loser who was trying to hook up with her and it wasn't working. I think the last line was like, look, do you want to get out of here or not? And everyone was like, God, this guy's pathetic. But then we ended up like, you know, I think we were at a bar and I was like, look, do you want to get out of here or not? Right. But it's pretty hot. You know, the girl's like, that wasn't great, passionate enough, we have to do it again. And you're like...

You purposely failed the first one. Exactly, exactly. But, man, that one gal. CEO. Woo! Yeah. See you later. The one that got away. Yeah. I still think about her. We're friends on Facebook. I like everything she does. We Might Be Drunk is brought to you by MyBookie. Football's back, baby. Oh, my Giants, man. I can't wait. You're a Saints guy? Hell yeah. Who dat? Who dat?

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Oh, let me give you a peeve. Now, this is a little esoteric, but in a green room a couple weeks ago, and I wrote it down immediately.

The guy who's trying to be a part of it too much. So this woman comes in. I got an opener. He brings his wife and a friend. And I'm trying to be nice. I'm like, oh, we're in the green room. So what's fun to do around here? And she's like, oh, you got to go to this amusement park. And the other guy is sitting there going, oh, it's on Nicholson and Columbus. I'll take you there. And you're like, all right, dude. I'm just trying to chat with her. But he keeps chiming in with information. He's nervous. He's nervous. And he wants to be a part of it. And I'm like, okay.

Okay, I don't need the address, man. I have Google. I'll find it. But the guy who just keeps trying to get in. I remember, I'm not going to say who, one time we were at the Cellar, and a big famous comic was talking, and we were nobodies, and we're sitting there, and he's going, what's the name of that movie? And this guy, the guy we know is going, Forrest Gump, Satan Pryde Ryan, Ghostbusters. And we're like, shut up. Let him just think of it. But he wanted the other guy to go, that's it. Thank you. And bring him in.

And he was doing this. We're all so desperate for approval, man. It was killing me. I'm like, I'm just trying to small talk with this lady. I'll never see again. Now I got to appease you and go, oh, thank you. Oh, yeah, yeah. So now it's back to him. So it was just driving me crazy all night. Yeah, I know. It's tough because it's like clearly he just has social anxiety. Right. Which I get. Probably nervous. He's got her in there. Right. And she's...

Maybe she's inappropriate. You know, you have the comic where there's a girlfriend who gets drunk sometimes. Yes. And they're just like, Right. She blurs out, his cock doesn't work. And you're like, oh, Jesus. That's why he's trying to cut her off all the time. Yeah. And I want to be nice and I want to bring everybody in, but it was just getting real annoying. Yeah.

That was my peeve. The guy who has to keep chiming just because he wants you to go, thank you. That's it. We got it. I thought you were going another way with this. I thought you were going to say, because we all know those people back on Facebook who used to do the thing like, party tonight. Who's coming?

Like that shit? Like they're inviting people in that status. That is weird. Where people are like, I want to see this new movie. Who wants to go with me? And I'm like, you're opening the floor to anyone? That's insane. I tried to write a bit about that. That is insane. Yeah, because you got 5,000 friends on here. You're okay with any of them going to this movie with you? Oh my God. Throw a few texts out there. What do you think? I know. Even worse when they do that and no one responds. And you're like...

You just died on your... Like, what the hell? Wow. Talk about lonely, man. That's gotta hurt. Yeah, yeah. I mean, we have a thing where, you know, I guess as comics, we're like, we can hang out with about eight people that we like, and that's it. Oh, it gets tough. The bigger the group, the worse the hang. You know? Definitely. At a certain point. Like, once you get four or five, that's fine. But then bigger than that, it's tough, man. It's tough. You're right. Yeah. Is that us, or is that just a fact? I think the quality of the hang...

becomes watered down because like you spend we spend time we all know each other well it's kind of easier but then the more people that come you're like kind of you almost like dumbing down the hang oh yeah to include more people yeah that's why i kind of like just doing two-person shows on the road because it's just me and like a really close friend yes and not a stranger even if they're cool it's like well it's still a different hang yeah i've said it before but the guy who asked for the guest set

He's like, what, I can't do five minutes? I'm like, no, it's the fact you're going to be in the green room for five hours. Now I got to hang out with you. It's not just five minutes on stage. If you did five minutes on stage and went home and killed yourself, that would be great. But then there's those comics that go the other way and they just steer clear of the green room and you're like, well, you can come in. Well, that's true. I prefer that guy. Yeah. I like the guy who's like, they don't want me in there. I like that guy. That makes me like you more.

Because you're worried about it, at least. The other guy was so cocky. He was like, of course they want me in there. That guy, I'm like, well, we're already done. He's doing push-ups in there. Shadow boxing. Exactly. Too much. He's doing somersaults and karate moves. You're like, fuck, this is an 8x10 room right here. Yeah, man. That's...

That's tough. That's my rec for this weekend, speaking of push-ups and somersaults. What's that? Every morning, we're getting older. Zalek, you're 68. You're 35. You got a horrible neck. Yeah. Stretch. Stretch. First thing you do in bed. This is a healthy episode. You're recommending stretching. We're doing this. That's right. In bed, you don't even get out of bed yet. You wake up. The sun is shining. You go like this. Can you see that, Peters? Yes.

You point the toes towards the face just to get the legs stretched. Then you get out of bed. That's my rec. Interesting. And then I do 20 of these. Touch the toes while standing. I'm not trying to get full Jack LaLanne on you, but I'm just saying it helps. It gets the blood flowing. That's it. Stretching's a good rec. We don't do it enough. And you realize at a certain point your body gets stiff and sometimes on a movie set. And...

You get tight. I'm with you, man. I need a stretch more. Every now and then, just touch those toes, and it goes a long way. Do you stretch? No, this guy doesn't stretch. You used to play baseball. Yeah, when I played sports, I stretched, but not since. I know. My girl can touch her foot up to the ceiling and do a full split. If I tried to do a split, I would tear something. But if we did it every day, we could do a split eventually.

Yeah, probably. But I'm a long way away. It's hard when you don't see the goal anywhere soon. You're just like, ah, fuck it. It's like when you have a ton of shit to do in one day and you're like, I'm going to do none of it. Yes, that's so true. That's kind of how I feel about it. But you're right. I got to get into stretching. It's funny that that's your wreck because I have a very kind of self-helpy wreck myself. Okay, okay. Help me. Classical music. Ooh!

It is good for anxiety. You throw some fucking Chopin, Chopin, whatever. You throw some of that. It's the Mozart effect, they call it, right? You throw some classical music on. It reduces anxiety. It alleviates your stress. You walk around. It's good to do while you're doing other stuff. Also, I can still think of jokes while I'm doing that. Yes, yes, it's instrumental.

It's not. There's no lyrics. And it still holds up. Isn't that amazing? They wrote this shit in 16-whatever, and it's still great. Yeah. Unbelievable. And also, it's funny to think that that was like the Bieber of its day. It was hip. Isn't that wild? Mozart was hip. Now you see him, he's got the weird powdery wig and the tights and everything, but he was like Elvis.

Yeah. Crazy. It's like Drake. Put on that new Mozart. But Mozart was like a musical genius. Genius. And Bieber's just kind of like... I mean, also, our appetite is trash. Oh, yeah. He started this incredible movement musically, and now this is where it goes. I know. Because seedy motherfuckers start running...

and seeing what sells and goodness necessarily doesn't sell, you know? Yeah. And also I think Mozart was like the, it was for the elite, you know, it was like the rich people came out and saw it. Sure. And like, yeah. Yeah.

It was the intellectuals, and now the beavers for the dumb tweens. Well, teens decide what sells and what's good, and no one has worse taste than teenagers. You got that right. They're like, well, you have to gear this for the people with the worst taste. Yep. So if you're a great musician with depth who's talking about real shit, people are like, what? No, no. But if you're just talking about like, ah.

I have a crush on a boy. They're like, this is fucking gold. Yes. The same shit we've heard every year for the last 40 years. Right. Book it. You know who wasn't playing a classical was Epstein. He had to play to his market. He was playing that Ariana Grande bullshit. Yeah. He's so fine. I'm going to make him mine. It's the worst shit on earth. It's fucking bad. They buy shit we don't.

We buy booze, coffee, and diner food. And you know what? If they put one of her songs in a booze ad, I'm still buying the booze. That's true. Because then you can drown that shit out with the whiskey. Alcohol is great. Now that we're not drinking, I kind of want some. I would love to put a splash in this. You have a whole bar right there. I know. Seven feet away. That angel's envy is calling my name. Yeah? Oh, yeah. Angel's envy was good.

That was like the one week we said we weren't gonna drink and we drank. It was a little shot. Yeah, we just had a shot. Those mojitos were fucking dynamite too. Wait, what else do we do? Wreck? Peeve? Bit. Bit. I think I had another wreck. Hold on. Oh, I got another wreck. Oh, I got one. I don't know if this applies to you. I think maybe you and me and Matt wash your hair less. Why wouldn't this apply to me?

Well, you got such a Brillo pad that I feel like you don't need to wash it. Like, Matt, he's got flowy, straight hair. It's flowy, dude. Yeah. You're like Richard Spencer in his prime. I'm going to punch you. Before shit went on bad time for that guy. Yeah, he did have a great head of hair, that Nazi. Yeah. Wow.

A lot of Nazis had good hair. You got it. I mean, you can't say you're the superior race without having some good. It's a good point. It's a good point. You can't be Aryan and pure if you got a real horseshoe up there. But yeah, wash your hair less. I think hair's got a lot of good stuff in it and we're washing it out. That's all I'm saying.

Less washing. Less hair washing. I try to do it less. It's tough. You're just in there and you're like, I'm so used to this. I know. And it feels good. You get that tingle. Love a tingle. I always say the head. You ever go to a salon and they do the head wash? Love the head wash. Oh my God. They get in there and you're like, this is like...

That's better than a happy ending. It's so sexual. And the fingers. Oh, and that tingle. And the water is just the right temp. And you kind of black out for a minute. And that ginger hits you. And that eucalyptus. Woo! You lean back in that sink. It's like in a dream state. Oh, I want to die that way. You know what really hurt haircuts for me is the movie Eastern Promises. Vigo? That first scene where the guy just gets his throat slit. What? Just opens with the guy in the chair. And he's like, oh!

Pull it up. I mean, obviously, if you haven't seen, that one's bad. You haven't seen that Johnny Depp, Sweeney Todd. That whole movie is just getting a code. But that one's so like, it's like over the top. Right. Musical, yeah, yeah. But every time that barber puts that razor in, we all think it. We all think, he could kill me right now. He could totally kill me. I've had my ear nicked a few times by that thing. Yeah, yeah. Oh, there it is. Yeah. Anyone else hard? Yeah.

That's crazy that they can put that on YouTube, but you can't put like nipples. You can't put like a woman's chest, but you can just... Isn't that crazy? That's hilarious. Tits are too... That's too private, but then you have a guy go... Yeah. I mean, come on. All right, we don't need this. This is sadder than this throat slit. Don't look at that. The norm. Don't look at this. All right, what do you got? What do you got on a bit here? I got shit. I got one I can't crack. Hit me.

It's kind of a two-parter. It just doesn't do well enough. I know it's missing something. Matt's probably heard me try it. All right. So first part, it's like a two-part trans thing where I say, the first part does well. This part hits where I say, you know, I was talking to a guy and he goes, trans people, I totally support it. You know, I'll play along. And I was like, I don't think that's what they're going for. I don't think they're, you know, I don't think they're like, oh, cool. He called me a woman and then winked at me. That was nice. Right.

So that hits. But then the next part that doesn't really hit is, like, I get what it's like being born in the wrong body as a man with this voice. You know? Like, as a man with this voice, I see guys who are shredded. I'm like, that's who I really am. Right, right. That's how I identify. You know, I see a guy with a lot of plates. I'm like, that's me. You know, and then I have a whole thing about, like, I'll respect what gender you are. I'll tell you where I draw the line. It's guys who...

I met a guy in Florida and he goes, call me Captain Steve. And I was like, are you a real captain? And he said, well, not technically. I was like, well, I'm not. I'll give you gender. You don't get to skip a rank. That's my point. Right, right. You know what I mean? So that gets kind of a laugh, but it needs more. And then I kind of, this is the angle I've been working, which isn't enough where I say,

There was no struggle that you went through to become a captain. At least changing genders, that's a tough thing to do. Whereas transitioning is tough. Whereas just saying you're a captain, there's no seven-year-old who's like, Dad, sit down.

I'm not really a boy. I'm actually the leader of a fleet. And he's like, get the fuck out of my house. That just doesn't really hit. Yeah. There's something there. There is something there. I think, Captain, you can take steps to get there, and it's all mapped out for you. There's no trans map. You can't go like, I'm going to trans class. You know? Like, you can't earn it. You know? Hormone therapy, though, right? That's something. I guess, but...

It's going to be hard and it's very wishy-washy. I don't know if it's going to work out. People are mad at me. No one's ever like, there's a pilot, get him! Or a captain. A captain could still go to the south and walk into a restaurant. People walk up to you and shake your hands if you're a captain. Right.

No trans person is giving me little wings or something. Well, my point is you've made your life harder if you're trans. Right. Whereas if you're just saying you're a captain, you're trying to just get credit for shit you didn't do. Yeah. Like stolen valor. Stolen valor, something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It may be too... It may not have a...

A through line? Yeah, maybe not yet. I think there's something there with the captain thing. Because you have to go lieutenant, sergeant, then captain or whatever. Yeah, there's a chain of command. Yes, exactly. You don't work your way up. But then it sounds like I'm defending the captain. Well, I'm just saying there's a clear path with a captain. Trans is like...

I was struggling. I was confused. No one's like, am I a captain? You know what I mean? No one's like. I'm really a captain inside. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Yeah. The captain is you work your way up. No one's like, all right, I'll go by and then I'll be queer, you know, and you get these pins and then you make it to trans. I made it. You also have another job. What do you mean? No one's like a side captain. I was like, this guy met, like worked in a bar and he goes, I'm a captain. I was like, you're a bartender.

He's like, I know you. Let me see your... I can say, give me your tax return. Yeah, that's true. You're not a captain. I'm trying to avoid the term cockpit.

But yeah, are we doing pilot or captain? That's where I'm confused. It could be either. Oh, it could be either. Okay. I mean, you call a pilot your captain, don't you? Yeah, that's true. All right, just checking. I'm thinking military, that's why. But is that even a captain? Well, captain of a boat. That's what I thought you meant. Yeah, that's what I was... Because you said Florida. Oh, captain of a boat. Okay. All right. Yeah. Yeah, there's no... Bisexuals aren't like, oh, here comes a trans person. Like, there's no rank, you know?

Bi is or trans just who you are you got to become you got to change into who you are Yeah, captain is not really who you it's not your identity, right? You still go home to your family and do whatever and you clock out you don't clock out a trans That's something train your trans all the time. Mm-hmm. Also trans can still drink Pilot can't drink you're stuck on pilot. Oh, sorry pilot is funnier to me because you're flying a plane and

Boat could be funny. I don't know. I feel like we've got to hammer down the job. I think it's boat. It's also one of those things where I like the thing that you can punch out. You can punch out of that. Telling your wife, telling your captain doesn't change your relationship to people. But anyone who owns a boat can claim captainship or whatever. He probably owns a cruiser boat. He's like, I'm a captain now. You have to call me Captain Steve. I got it.

Whether you're getting a boat or a new gender, you got to name it. It's always a woman's name. It's always like a C word or something. Oh my God, the S-S-C word? Yeah. S-E-A word. Exactly. Good C word. Pretty good. Come on. If I was going to have a boat, that would be the name. I've been sitting on that. Hull, the oar.

- I mean it's interesting, either way, if you're a captain, you're getting a new, or a trans, you're getting a new name. - Yes.

And your friends are like, some of your friends are like, I accept you. And the other ones are like, I'm not calling you that. Yeah. And some of my friends. I knew you before you were captain. Exactly. And they won't get on board. All right. I love all the elements are here of this joke. Oh, yeah. It's just not formed yet. No, it's like you have great ingredients and it just doesn't work. No, I know. It's like. Well, we need to find the point. What is the point you're making? That's really. I think the point is that.

The thing you said about you're not allowed to skip a rank. Yeah, you've skipped a rank. With trans, it's like boom, boom. But with... I don't think it is boom, boom. I think, I mean, the Bruce Jenner doc, he's just like, whole life, he's like, I felt weird, something was off. The transitioning, though. Yes, that's what I'm saying. Oh, the procedure. I gotcha, I gotcha. Okay, never mind. You can't get surgery and become a pilot. Or a boat captain, sorry.

But I think what Sam's point, I think the point of the joke is there's no struggle for Captain Steve to do this. If you're an actual captain, there's a struggle. But if you're just saying you're a captain. Right. It's like me saying I'm a basket. It's like, okay, you're Captain Steve. I'm Reverend Dr. Sam Morrell, comma, point guard for the fucking Knicks. Right. There's no. There's no consequence. You just want a cooler name. Yeah. Yeah.

Cut your dick off and I'll call you captain. How about that? But you... Why? Well, because that's transitioning, right? The procedure. I know it's a bad term. I could have used flowerier language. But you get my point. Hey, you want to get in these waters? No, no, no. I respect the swings you're taking, man. I'm trying. I'm spitballing here. The joke is clearly not good enough yet. So I think the point is that it is tougher...

To be trans and to just say you're fucking a captain. Right, right. You didn't even do the work. Like trans people, it's almost like if a trans person just showed up as a guy, like dressed like me with a five o'clock shadow and was like, yeah, I'm a woman. And you're like, well, you got to do something. Yeah. You can't just show up and be like, like if Matt, like if Matt showed up with his mustache today and goes, I'm now a Matonya guy.

And I was like, you know, I would respect it. But I say, could you could you get rid of the mustache? Could you put a little effort in my friend? Right. Could you like I'll play along, but you got to play along. I just said what I hate. Wow. Well, that's that's not a good sign. If you're saying no, but I'm turning to the guy. My point is, like, we both have a part in this. Aha. You got to do your part. Do your part.

You gotta earn the medal and you gotta You gotta earn captain, you gotta earn trans That's my point, that's the point I like it, okay, that helps I'll crack that this weekend, I'll figure that out That's the angle, I don't know it yet, but yeah Like, what did you do? Make an effort Go to fucking H&M and buy a dress or two For fuck's sake

Or else we could just do this all day. I'm a woman. I'm a man. I'm a woman. I'm a man. We're just going to be correcting people all the time. I respect that you were transitioning, but put in a little work, and then we're all like, yes, you're a woman. Yes, there you go. That's all I'm saying. This is getting a little Fox News-y. Is it? Is it? You're saying you've got to have a uniform. Yeah. All right. If you're going through this change. What were you telling me what my transition is supposed to look like? Ooh. See, that's where it gets dicey.

I'm a woman and I want my mustache. But you can't expect me to know that you're a woman. This is a little Fox News-y. Okay. We're just trying to talk it out. No, I mean, that's the problem. See, this is good that we're having... Yes, yes. It's getting hot in here. Where's that shot? Yeah. All right. Well... No, you're right. That's not it yet. That's not it. Because I think I'm taking the wrong angle here. I'm taking an angle I don't necessarily believe in.

Yeah, well, that's not going to work. And then if I do believe in it too much, then it's more of a point and it's not funny enough. So maybe I have to shelf this one for a while. Well, wait. What was the original thing that got a laugh in the way beginning of the bit? The thing where he goes, I'll play along, which is what I just said, which is hilarious. Okay, okay. He goes, I'll play along. And it's like, it's not what they're going for. You've got to kind of accept it. You're not playing along. It's not a play. It's their life. That's the joke. I think there's more there. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Like, it's not an eight-year-old with a fireman cap on and going, oh, you saved us. You put the fire out. No, this is a lifestyle. It's an identity. Yeah. You know? That's the joke. Sticking with that. I'll be back. All right. Sorry for that long fucking detour. I feel like a captain. The long fucking trip I took us where we went nowhere. We hit an iceberg. I think there's a real beauty in what you guys are talking about here. Yeah. Because, you know, the foil of your joke is this jerk who's like, I'll play along. But the truth is, that's me too.

Of course. It's coming from your brain. Well, that's why I think it gets a laugh is because like we identify with that person. We also identify with the trans person. We identify with both sides. Right. And it's both sides of your joke brain working against or with each other. But that's human.

And I think that's a beautiful thing that you guys can do publicly and like talk these things out. This is a conversation. You hope. There's people who just want to shut it down, but it's better to talk. The discussing is going away. I do want to be called Reverend Doctor from now on if that's okay. Point guard for the near and next.

All right. I like to be called Margaret. I got two ideas. They're both shit. They're not worse than mine. So I just I luckily just ate a fat one for you to cruise right in. I still think the play along is there's a lot there. That's the funny part. So we'll figure that out. Yeah, there's no program. You know, you're not like, oh, we're not playing along. You know, it's it's who I am.

All right. So two ideas. One, I'll just shit on it and I'll get rid of it. But my friend is scared of flying and we flew together recently and he was freaking out the whole time and he's like, I'm scared of flying. But oh, good news. I got an exit row. And I'm like, oh, wow. I'm jealous because you got a better seat than me. But isn't it weird that you're so scared of flying yet you chose the seat where in case of an emergency, you would have to save us. Is that anything? Isn't it weird that the exit row is like...

Oh yeah, you know, we had our headphones in, we're reading a magazine, they're like, if anything happens, can you, and we're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, move it along, skank, I gotta read this, you know, but like, if something went down, you would have to save us, and we're all just so nonchalant about it. That's how bad flying is. What do you mean? You'll do crazy things for an extra couple inches. Uh-huh, yeah, that's how uncomfortable it is, but it also shows how safe it is. Oh yeah, that'll never happen, I'll be fine.

That's insane. I think what he was saying was, I'm the first one out. No, I don't think so. I like the exit rows because I know that I can open that fucking door and not have to rely on Joe Blow. Interesting. So I'll be the first one out if something goes wrong. All right, all right. I don't know. Is it shit? I'll get rid of it. I have another one. Didn't get a laugh in the room here. Well, it's not. It's not even... It's an idea. It wasn't even a... I thought there could be something to it. It is a little... It's so casual that we're... It's interesting that we...

We're that nonchalant about saving the entire plane. Like, it's all on us. Well, it just goes to show how much we trust these airlines. Yes. You would never do that. If that was like a rollercoaster, you'd never be like, if anything goes wrong, you're our guy. Yeah, you're the hero. You don't even have all your teeth. I don't fucking trust you. Right, right. With the rat tail? Yeah. Yeah. All right, it's nothing. But I thought it was interesting how we just, yeah, yeah, yeah, I got it. Let me listen to my podcast, you know. But you're in charge of saving us.

Something there maybe who knows I like how they the stewardess or the flight attendant comes up to you and he or she is like I need a yes from you if you're in the exit row. Yeah, yes from you like that's all you need is a yes. Oh, that's interesting Yeah, look at my body type. I can't handle this. That's a heavy door. Yeah. Yeah, I am. That's that's true All I need is a yes. All right. How about this me and my girl are fighting? I got too many girlfriend jokes, but we're fighting and I feel like I was winning and

But then she pulled a haymaker, and I realized a couple fights need a judge and jury. They need a ref at a UFC match. You know, like, sure, I might have won by decision, but she did knock me out. You know, like, I had more points, but she got the knockout in at the end. So she won. She won, but...

Like, you know, you need a guy like in UFC when the guy when the when the person's getting hit too much who just like pulls them. Yeah. Yeah. You need you need that guy. But in a couple's fight. Exactly. Yeah. Because and then sometimes you'll fight and she'll just be like, oh, fuck this and slam the door and run to the other room. And I'm like.

But I won that. You know, I need somebody to call it. Yeah, but the point is that you guys make up. The point isn't that there's a winner. That's the funny part for me. Is that like a guy running in and raising your arm doesn't do shit in the long run. That's a good point. Because you got to go back to it. Like that's like if like, you know, if the fighters had to hang out afterwards. Ah, right. That's funny. You know, that's funny. Yeah.

Yeah, they had to go back to their tiny studio apartment together. Yeah. One of them's got a black eye and crying. The other one's like, I'm sorry. You made me do this. Yeah. It would just be nice if there was a judge because sometimes it's like you said, she can start crying. And I'm like, but I'm still right. Just because you're sad. I still still won this thing.

I need to win by decision. But winning is resolving. It's not. That's the thing. A win is resolving the thing. It's not being like, I best you. You're not proving you're wrong. That's the problem. That's what a lot of people are like. Well, I fucking won. But you're alone. Right. You didn't win. Right. Yeah. So maybe it's the opposite of a UFC fight or a boxing match. Because when you win a boxing match, you get all the glory. You get the fucking rose necklace and the champagne and all that.

But when you win an argument, you're alone. You're alone. That's interesting. I mean, it's interesting. And, you know, a couple of therapists aren't trying to be like, well, Mark wins. They have to be like, well, here's what you both need to work on. Right, right. I think maybe that's a guy thing. I think as a guy, I'm like, logically, I'm right. I won this. But she's still crying and hates me. Both end in a rear naked choke.

Yeah, I'm a bit similar to that, actually. Already. All right, well, I guess... See, the problem is we recorded two in a week, and we didn't have a lot of time to...

We got to come up with these bits out of thin air. Yeah. So it's hard when you're pressed. No, but I think there's something there. Something there. Not wanting to win and wanting to resolve is the win. Yeah. That's... But it's tough because it's like there's no preparation for fighting and then being like, well, here's what you did wrong and here's what I did wrong. There's no preparation. Right. There's no other fights you have as a kid like that. Nothing. Nothing. That's why relationship fights are so weird because you're like, but I...

I had a good point. And you're not giving me the love. When you get into a fight with a bully in school, you're never like, that Indian sunburn you gave me was great. Here's where I can be a better fight mate. Yes, yes, yes. I should have been wedgied longer. You're right, yeah. Next time I'll keep my head in the toilet for more time and you can flush again. I was tapping out. Okay, I never listen. All right, Jesus. Yeah, yeah. That's something.

That this is the first time you're fighting like this. Because remember how weird it was when you were in high school and you had your first girlfriend or whatever? And you're like, she's mad at me. I don't know what I did. This is weird. And your friend's like, I know, I know. I think there's something here. Okay. All right. Fighting with a girlfriend is such relatable stuff. I know. Yeah, I got this bit about how women are the opposite of cars except the check engine light.

Because you're like, I know something's wrong, but I don't know what the hell it is. And that's doing pretty well. Yeah. But that's different. That's a whole other thing. What did I do? Yeah. Right. Literally always. A woman has never asked me that. A woman's never been like, I see you've been down for a couple days. What is it? It's like, I don't want to talk about it. I've never been. If something's wrong, I will fucking tell you. Of course. It's obvious. You stepped on my toe. You burned my favorite thing.

Record. I don't know. It's all things. Your record? What the fuck is it? I'm 78 years old. You burned my VCR. You threw at my Winston Reds. What the hell? Who are you? Oh, God. You got rid of my velvet coat, too, I tell you. But yeah. Yeah, we're pretty surface level. We're pretty cut and dry here. We're dumb. I don't know. We're fucking around. Look at Steve Jobs. I'll tell you. Bill Gates. Pretty smart. Warren Buffett.

Elon Musk just donated $50 million to Red Cross. Ooh. Not enough. It's not that much money when you- Oh. Isn't that crazy that he does that and you're like, that's nothing. That's got to suck to be a billionaire. I know. That's what I'm saying. You're worth billions and you go, here's $50 million. You're like, okay. I know. Thanks. Not really a drop in the bucket for you, Elon. He's like, all right, next time I'll give nothing, you chooch.

What do you want from me? That's a lot of money. Oh, yeah. More money than we'll ever see. You got to lie about your wealth. You got to lie. That's why when you're like, that's like half of my wealth right there. That way they'd be like, holy shit, he's incredible. Yep, yep. Can't win. You're damned if you do. He won. I think you win.

I think he won. I guess you're right. Got a full head of fake hair. You like it? I love it. It's not real hair? Oh, come on. I don't know. Nobody's that rich. I don't know much about him. Well, check out an old Elon and then check out a new Elon. And it is night and day. Wow, look at that. Is that real? Yep.

I mean, good for him if he got the money. It's like getting fake tits for a guy. It's a drop in the bucket. There you go. 50 mil on that. Bucket list. Yeah, look at that. He's got all that hair. I mean, no one's going to listen to the guy on the left. I got an idea for an electric car. Get out of here, cue ball. You don't even have hair. Bald man has no ideas. Right. We don't realize, but we judge people by how they look quite a bit. We're animals.

Look at that. That guy with the hair, that guy is on to something. I feel bad now about my take being so Fox News-y because it's like I'm working out these bits and I'm like, ah, that's not me. You're working out a bit, though. It's a trans bit, too, so we have to go over the line. That's the danger of doing this on a podcast. Yeah, but they get it. They get it. And Salakius caught it.

Well, that's why it's good that you're here, because Mark is never going to catch something like that. Mark's never going to be like, I think you went a little too far with that one. No, let's go far. Let's go for it, baby. I love that Mark's reaction was, was it? I still think it was fine. We're discussing. No, we got to figure shit out. You got to figure it out. I'm going to figure out my life, I'll tell you. Think about all the people that I offended saying this is going Fox News-y. Exactly. Exactly.

I think there's something wrong with MSNBC too. I think if you're going too hard on either of them, it's a problem. Yeah, we're just trying to be real right down the middle. CNN, baby. I don't know about that. How about local news? We're going local here. All we talk about is murder and kidnapping. Yeah, and the weather. Squirrel on skis.

Local news is fun. I love local news. Now that I never get booked in those local news shows, I actually miss it a lot. Wow. Because they're kind of fun. It's kind of fun to cause a ruckus on those. It is, yeah. Those poor people are just in a local news cage. They can't say anything real. They can't say anything interesting. They can't curse. They can't be honest. It's got to be a horrible way to live. We're the exact opposite of them. They're all Bob Saget from Full House. Yes.

How are you? Oh, this is delicious. Cookies later. We have a special chef coming in. We're going to make cupcakes, I tell you. Oh, the dog groomer's here. Oh, the dog. In the head, I'm going to murder my wife. Oh, look at this little dog. Look at Kiki with the bow tie. I'm going to slit her throat, and I'm going to get away with it, too, because I have all this pent-up rage. Yeah, and then they bring us in, and it's four in the morning, and they're like, be funny. You ever put peanut butter on your balls and have a dog lick it? They're like, no.

Cut it, cut it. Jesus Christ, I murdered my wife, but I don't speak like this. Yeah. What kind of comic are you? I'm a comedian. What do you want at 7 in the morning? Yeah, those are tough. You literally just down like two cups of coffee in 10 minutes. Your throat's on fire. Wake up. You go on. They're just like, so how'd you get into comedy? And you're like, I was diddled. What do you want me to say? Scout leader went to town on me. Diddle is clean. Diddle is clean.

Yeah, those hands weren't clean. Purell. It's an ad for Purell right there. Kills 99% of germs and 40% of guilt. Yes. There it is, folks. I should say another thing. I have to call myself out for some bullshit here. Uh-oh. I have to call myself out, peeve on myself.

A couple months ago when I said I got back into therapy, I said it was my idea. It was not my idea. Oh. It was court ordered. No, it was my girlfriend was like, you need therapy. And I was like, yeah, I do. And I went. It was her idea. I feel like a phony. I don't want to lie on here. I lied. I told a lie. I'll play along. I don't like telling lies in the pot. All right. I'll tell you. Well, we appreciate that. I'll be in Indianapolis. We'll see.

There you go. Indianapolis, Springfield, Missouri, Chicago, Denver, Chicago.

Give the dates there. SF. It's all October, November. New York Theater Show. Get on that shit. It might probably be sold out by now, hopefully. We got fucking... Sam Fran. Yeah, Sam Fran. Buffalo. Cisco. Buffalo. Dallas. Oh, Sam. Let me know how that goes. I don't remember agreeing to that one. That's in Richmond, baby. I didn't...

Did I really? You're going to add a lot to the Jew quota in that town, I'll tell you that. Geez, I don't remember agreeing to that one. Let me look at my emails real quick. Am I coming to Richmond? We'll see. I heard it's a decent room, but they're new. They're definitely new. What do you got on me here? There you go. Who the hell's Dead Frog? What does that mean? I don't know. Do the dates line up? Is it accurate?

Uh, sure. I'm in Nashville. I'm going off the top of my dome here because I don't know who. You got Stephen Wright's dates up here. Give me my website. I have a website. I pay a lady. What the? Mark Norman. There it is. All right. Scroll up, you queef. What are you doing here? We got to get a new guy on the keep going. There we go. Boy, who's this written for? An ant?

All right. We got comedy on state mass in Wisconsin this weekend. Zany's in Nashville. Rochester. Garbage plate. Helium Portland. Laugh Boston. Brea Improv in California. Good looking website, Mark. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Pale lady. Vancouver. British Columbia. New Orleans. Howlin' Wolf. Comedy Castle in Michigan. Howlin' Wolf. Classic. First place ever got paid to do comedy. Buckhead Theater in Atlanta. The Dark Comedy Festival in Toronto. Yeah.

Funny Bone in Syracuse. I didn't say yes to that either. Call my agent, will you? I just confirmed in January I am doing that gig. I just went through my email. I will be at the Sandman Club.

Sam, man, get them out of here. So, uh, yeah, see us on the road. Email us, uh, for the Patreon. We might be drunk. Pod at gmail.com. Rex, peeves, suggestions, drinks, drinks, yeah, movies, whatever you want. Uh, yeah, look at that. It looks good, Mark. Oh, thank you. Thank you. It's about 10 years old now. I got a bunch of photos up there. Patreon.com slash. We might be drunk. Pod. Leave us a nice review. Uh,

I'm sorry my bit was whatever this week. I'll be back and stronger. Yes, yes. We need a week to come up with some shit. This is my shrine to the Semites. Larry David, the king. All right. Thanks, folks. We'll see you next week. Keep listening. We'll see you soon. Comedy. Comedy.