Ep 25: Lagavulin 16 01:23:04

Hey, hey,

This is it. We might be drunk. Here we are. It's a late night at the Gotham Studios. Sam's repping the team. Straight from the garden. Actually, that's not true. I went to the cellar for two sets and straight here. Wow, that's a great night. Great night. Nick's game, cellar, cellar.

Pod. Could have been better. We lost. But the playoff energy, man, was special. It's what New York's all about. There was a dude. I'm in the nosebleeds with my boy, John Weisberg. We're in the nosebleeds. A dude is blowing rails right next to us. Shut up. Just doing coke right next to us. What? And he goes, you want some? I'm like, I'm good. And it was like a tough thing where he's like, I was like, I got to work later. He's like, what are you doing? I'm like, fuck.

It's like right after dude took a picture with me at the game. So I'm like, I'm a comedian. And he's just like, where do you work? And I'm just like, you know, all over. He's like, we go in the cellar. I'm like, yeah, I work at the cellar. I'm going there later. He's like, can I come with you? No way. I just want you to do coke. You're going to be my plus one to work. Yeah, right. Also, you never tell people you're a comic. And this guy's coked up. Yeah, I don't know why I did it. It was just kind of like.

I get it. I messed up. Well, the worst is when you've got the Uber driver or whatever, and he's like, what do you do? And you're like, I'm an accountant. And he's like, oh, yeah, what kind of projects are you working on? What kind of accounting do you do? I'm like, civil? I don't know. I don't know anything about accounting. I don't know why I picked it. Yeah, you've got to pick a lie you know a couple lines on. I know. I should have said furniture mover or Palestinian army, something where you just get some sympathy. Yeah, exactly. Get out of it.

Can we do the booze? Oh, yeah, yeah. Sorry. You're being all mysterious with the boozes. We got a brown paper bag. Got a big bottle of hooch. Now, weekly, we trade off. You bring one week. I bring the next. I like this. Yeah, I like it, too. This, I wanted to cover because it's such a special bottle. Wow. And I rarely break it out. Maybe a Christmas or a Thanksgiving. So I'm pulling out tonight, folks. All the stops. Old English. Oh. Oh.

Oh, my favorite. Come on. This is hot stuff. Lagavulin 16. Look at you. 16 years. The Epstein. I wish. I wish he went 16. That might have been legal in some states. Oh, yeah. Good point. All right. Although still gross. Yes. We don't condone it.

Ooh, see the ice melted just enough. You get just a cut of water. That's a peaty scotch right here. Oh, yeah. This is exciting. Very exciting. Schumer used to have this in the green room always. That's where I learned about it. Oh, it's like bacon. Ooh, it is like bacon. It's so smoky. Yeah. Mm. Mm-mm-mm. Oh, that's fucking perfect.

Oh, it goes down easy. That is good ass scotch. Man, this will get you to relapse. That is good stuff. I remember I shot a thing on Comedy Central once like years ago in New Orleans. And it was a bunch of comics. It was a showcase for their show. And this one comic was like...

He was like, I'm probably not going to drink this week. And I was like a young comic. I was like, it's New Orleans. You're not going to drink? And he's like, eh, you know, I don't know. It's been like 30 days. I didn't realize he had a problem. So I'm like pushing him. I'm like, come on. Not in a way like, if he told me he's an addict. Right. But he was like, nah, it's been 30 days. I thought he was just like taking some time off. Yeah. Literally, before he goes on stage, he was like, I see him with a beer. He's like stumbling. I'm like, oh, this might be my fault. Oh.

The rest of the week, it got to a point where he was like pulling Comedy Central Exec aside. He's like, you got a fucking problem with me? You got a fucking... We're at dinner afterwards. It was me, him, and some Comedy Central Execs, you know, who are really cool. Yeah. And he's like, how come I haven't gotten a half hour special yet? Oh.

Oh my God. And I'm just like, oh boy. Then he's like, he's just starting shit with me. It was one of the things where I'm like, this dude. I think I know who it is now. Yeah. You're painting a picture here. Wow. I can't believe. I felt kind of bad by the end because I was like, at first, all these guys just being an asshole to me all night. But then I was like, he might have burned some bridges this week. Well, I didn't know you knew John Panette. But wow, man, I think I know who it is now. I think I actually saw him tonight.

But good guy, great guy. I don't think he saw him tonight. Okay, I think he's got it under wraps now, if it's who I'm thinking. I don't think it's who. I don't think you'd be able to guess either. Okay, okay. Well, moving on. Yeah. But yeah, you got to admit, though, there is something fun about a guy relapsing.

For me, maybe. Not for him. For the friend. I'm sure that first drink is great. Oh, yeah. I've seen a few guys relapse, and at the time, it's kind of like, yeah, he's doing it. Yeah, you know, and you get all pumped up. They don't do that with the harder drugs, though. They don't put a needle in. Yeah, they just kind of go out. You ever thought about heroin?

No. I haven't. The needle gets me. Thank God it's a needle. You can freebase it, can't you? I guess you're right. Well, I don't like that either. You can snort it. Yeah, I don't snort. I don't like any of these things. I don't snort anything. Really? You ever done blow? Never done it. I've never done it either. There was a kid when I was growing up in the city who would always do coke. And I remember he was a couple years older than me. And he just did a bunch of blow and jumped out of a 30-story window.

And I was like, that's enough for me to stick to booze. Oh, man. I also follow sports enough that I do. There were just enough stories of like Len Bias had a bad reaction. There was a Daryl Johnston guy. There's enough athletes. I'm like, I know they have like a bad reaction, but you look at a world-class athlete and you're like, what chance do I have? Right, right. Exactly. If they can't hang. But I know that's not how it works, but that's just how I saw it. Why do you never do it? I just didn't like the snorting. And I don't know. I don't know.

I don't really need an upper. I'm an energetic guy. I like to come down. I like to relax. Give me a shot or a beer or something. I don't really want to go up. I'll do an Adderall every now and then if I'm, you know. Adult drug. Yeah, crunch for time and I'm busy. It's funny. When you're a kid, you get fucked up to escape. When you're an adult, you do drugs. You're like, I guess I got to focus, you know? Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

Yeah, like kids are, the Adderall is just, it's so prevalent. It's like every college campus. What's that? Kids do Adderall, I guess, but they're doing it for tests. They're not doing it to like party, are they? Eh.

I did it as a party. Really? Oh, yeah. You know, you want to keep drinking and it kept you focused while being drunk. So you're like loosey goosey, but still in the pocket. You know, it's like that Seinfeld joke. Focus and drunk seems like a terrible combination. Yeah. Yeah. You're just like saying horrible shit and be like, wow, I was present for all of that. That's exactly what it is. I took that cop's gun and I saw every second of it. But yeah. What was that Seinfeld joke about Four Loko? I don't remember. He's like, you're trashed.

But alert. Right. You know, or something like that. I feel like Seinfeld gets so many shouts out on this podcast. Yeah, well, his bits are evergreen and, like, memorable, you know? Yeah, for Loco, what a fucking mess that was. Just get drunk. Why do you have to, like, see, that's the thing. That's young person shit. Yes. Well, like, adults, like, we're sipping a good-ass scotch here. And I get it. When you're young, you're not...

buying bottles like this, but you know, but just getting fucked up to the point that you can't even enjoy, like drink beer or something. Yeah, I know. Bud Light or a fucking White Claw or whatever. I did a couple Four Locos and it was kind of like a badge of honor, like how crazy we are, we go all the way, but it's that fucking colorful can, it's a, you know, 24 ounce can

Already you're trash. Is it legal? Oh, yeah. But it was illegal for a minute. It was. They let it go. It was like you get a bodega.

God damn. Yeah. Crazy time. What a country. It's so cool you brought a Lagavulin. This is the nicest. No one's ever brought someone a Lagavulin in a brown paper bag like this. No one's ever had this shitty a delivery system for the best scotch. I know. And I had to like walk around with it. It's really like, look at this fucking idiot. I want to be like, no, no, it's Lagavulin. It's the St. Coors Light over here. I'm walking the best.

Yeah, you were in Hartford all weekend, man. It's getting good, that club? It really, I hate to say it, I've been trashing that club for 20 years, and it was a full 180. Fred was the manager. He killed it. He's out there every night with a clipboard, like taking notes, looking at the room, what can be fixed. He asked you for anything you didn't like, telling me critiques. There's a bouncer in there walking around because that's a heckle room. Yeah. That's the only club I've ever been, like, attacked.

at you got attacked well a guy charged the stage and somebody stopped him thank god but uh connecticut it got pretty ugly you know it was it was a front row three top and it was a girl and two guys and they kept fucking with me like to where only i could hear it and no one else could hear because they were right up on the stage so i'd be like oh i took an uber here and they're like

Guy takes Uber. What a loser. And I could hear it. And they were all giggling. What's wrong with Uber? I don't know. They're just tools. Everything I said, they would nitpick and joke about and insult me. And eventually, I just snapped. I was like, will you guys shut the fuck up? What's your fucking problem? And one guy was a little slow or off. And I was like, I'm going all in on the special needs and the down syndrome and all that. And one guy in the back goes, hey, leave him alone. Ha, ha, ha.

And I'm like, you're defending them? They've been heckling me all night. He's like, I didn't hear a thing. Oh, no. And so now I'm battling this guy. He's like a boat shoe, white hair, you know, shirt open to here. And he's like, leave them alone. We're trying to enjoy a show, and they just paid for a show, and you're going to yell at them? And I'm like, they've been shitting on me all night. He's like, I didn't hear anything. So now they're like, ha-ha. And I'm like, fuck you, you turd. I'm going back and forth. And then eventually...

And I'm just doing the thing where they're walking out. Just let me see how many I can get on this guy. And eventually I said virgin. And the guy went, what? And started running towards the stage. And they got him. Which means he was a virgin. Exactly. Because if you say that and he was like a player, he'd be like, that's not true. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And I was ready though. I was like, I could take this guy. Because he was like this kind of doughy guy.

Like short, squirrely little... You could tell he lived at home kind of guy. Was he wearing his helmet though? He had that weird t-shirt where you could tell it was like the neckline was all fucking pulled out. Because, you know, he like wipes shit on it or, you know, cleans his mouth with it. Jesus Christ. You got to get a higher class of heckler. I know. This guy was bad news. He was bottom of the barrel. But... But the problem is you went hard. Yes. And they didn't... Because that's...

It's almost like sibling shit when you're a kid and your older brother's pinching you under the table. And your parents don't see it, but he keeps pinching you. And then you just turn and go, fuck you. Yes. And they go, go to your room. And you're like, you didn't see any of that. Exactly. That's what they did to you. Exactly. Yeah. They nitpicked for at least 30 minutes and I just snapped. I've been there. I should have said something throughout. But yeah, I snapped on a guy. And then...

Then fucking Donald Sterling defends the guy. It's like, come on, man. Donald Sterling. Yeah, it was like this good-looking rich guy. I don't think Donald Sterling's a handsome man. What? Oh, wait. You're thinking of Roger Sterling. Roger Sterling. Sorry, sorry. You convinced the coolest Mad Men character with the racist Clippers owner who lost his team? Well, I got Sterling, yeah. Great. There's a great...

I think it was like a 30 for 30 type doc. It's a podcast on Donald Sterling. It's great. Really? It's really good. What's, I mean, like his rise or what's the- It's kind of like how he got rich and he just fucked. He did a lot of housing discrimination, a lot of shady ways he got rich. Oh, interesting. Then it was weird with his wife. It's hilarious because he's fucking around on her with a much younger woman, but at the end, they always end up together. It's tough. It's like-

You knew who he was. You're both pretty old. What are you going to be like? What are you going to get on Bumble? You're fucking in your 80s. Right, exactly, exactly. Like Bill Gates, apparently it's come out that he was on the Epstein plane and he's- Is that true? Yeah, yeah. I know that he was friendly with him, but I didn't know that. I saw a report like Melinda was creeped out by him. Yes, yes. And he had a hall pass with his ex.

With Melinda? No, no. Bill had a hall pass with his ex-girlfriend. So once a year, he was allowed to see her. His ex-wife? Yeah. Is that his ex-wife or ex-girlfriend? No, he was married. I think they started the divorce in like 2019. That's when that kind of money is involved, it must take forever. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. But it's just so crazy. This guy, he looks like, you know...

He looks like such a dork. But, you know. Money. Somebody had an interesting point. They said the guys who look like that probably are actually hornier because they never got laid or something. You know, you think like, oh, you know, what's his face? Armie Hammer. Oh, he's a sex addict, whatever. But like that guy can get laid in two seconds. But Bill Gates maybe is actually more hungry for puss. Well, I think Armie Hammer was more hungry. Yeah.

Yeah, that's true. He liked a good rib.

But yeah, it's interesting. Like Army Hammer could get laid probably more easily like if we're at a bar. But just look at the power structure of that company. Like you're such a big – and people are like shocked he's banging employees. But it's like what do you expect? He's in a loveless marriage. Right. He's the head. I'm not defending the guy, but I'm just saying like where do you think he meets women? Where do you think he gets – where do you think he like has an edge? Exactly. It ain't at the nightclub. No. No, no. It's at the place where he's the COO.

Yeah. What is COO? Chief something. Something officer. Operating. Chief operating officer. I don't know. Chief of operations. COO. He was...

Yeah, he's it's a weird story, man. You see the pictures of him and it's like just it's hilarious. And your post is just posting pictures of him like you're like his first single shot. Like, it's funny that he's like a celebrity who's on the prowl. I know they're treating him like a rod. Right. Well, I mean, he's a catch. You can't deny it. He's not a hot guy, but he's.

you know one of the richest men in america where do you meet women if not the workplace if you're at that level are there like billionaire dating apps probably or millionaire i would guess he's not on raya you know that'd be hilarious to come across bill gates on raya oh my god just as the it's just a windows sound effect it's taking everything i have not to make a microsoft joke

I'm sure that's been done to death. Oh, I think I did one last week. Oh, there we go. I think we've both done them. It's right there for the taking. It's right there. You can't help yourself. This goes down so, so easy. So good. Maybe one of the best. This is a scotch, right? Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah. Single malt, whatever that means. This is like one of those, I think it's like made in some like, I don't know, there's a bunch of scotches. I think it's, yeah, it's single malt. You said there's a lot of scotches that are made in like,

They have a certain smell that's so peaty. Yeah. Like, what's the other? Lafroig, isn't it? Lafroig. That's a good one, too. Ardbeg. Ardbeg is so good. That's like the peatiest. That's a great scotch. Great scotch. But it's not forever. I've had friends be like, ugh. It's a winter scotch. Ooh. I could do this in the summer. Ardbeg is like a winter. That's true. Oh, I had something.

Now I lost it. Shit. Gay. Oh. Just like Bill Gates. How was Utah? Utah was great. That's a great club. Wise Guys in Salt Lake, one of the best clubs in the country. Shout out to my man Tan France from Queer Eye. He's filming Queer Eye, but he sent a bunch of people from his friends and people to come see me. Whoa.

And he paid for their tickets. I'm like, dude, I would have comped your friends. That's amazing. He lives in... A lot of cool people live in Salt Lake. Salt Lake's kind of one of these sleeper cool towns. It's so cool. Really cool. DeVito and I went to like a speakeasy bar our first night there. Anthony DeVito's with me. Great comic if you haven't seen him. Alex Valuto was hosting. Also terrific comic in Salt Lake. So...

Yeah, DeVito and I hit the speakeas. We're getting great drinks. Just a great vibe, man. I love that. That city's great. Great city, great people. And, you know, they got that dry bar thing over there. Right. Yeah, yeah. The clean comedy specials. The clean comedy specials. So we come out there and they're like, oh, baby, look at these New York degenerates coming out here and slinging some crazy zingers. And I think...

They're so Mormonized and shit. And it's so, they don't drink coffee. They don't drink booze. I mean. 15 minute walk to get a cup of Joe. I was like, God, you're killing me. Exactly. Yeah. It's crazy. And it's like. It's a different culture. But they are a lot of people that were raised Mormon and now are just like drunks. It's like they, it's like they, they're so repressed. Yes. It's like a rum springer that lasted forever. Where they're like, I'm just going to get fucked up forever. Yeah.

And they overcompensate so much like, hey, here's all my tats. I'm ripped. I got crazy hair. And my opener in Salt Lake was always every guy here looks like if Monster Energy was a person. Oh, my God. That's great. All just buff and tattooed and pierced and shit.

So, yeah. There was like porn star-ish people on my last show. So I'm like, this is like a porn star probably. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of fake tits. A lot of like that whitish blonde hair, you know, like cut. Yes. Yeah, yeah. They all look like Quicksilver or some shit. What the hell? Literally the best crowds are like, I've been back on the road a bit and it's like,

It's funny getting back on the road like this. I didn't have any experiences like this, but like I was at a club recently and a guy just... This always kind of bugs me. It's a little peeve. It's a comedy peeve. But...

Sometimes like a person at the show will just come in the green room and I'm just like, you know. Oh, yeah. That's a problem. I'm a dude. But if that's a female comic, you should maybe police that a little bit. Yeah. But I had a guy who was just drunk and he came in the green room. Not wise guys. He comes in hammered and I'm kind of like, can I help you? And he goes, can I have a picture? No.

And he's just this big old drunk. And I'm like, dude, you can't just come back. I'll take a picture of you, but you can't do that. Right. And then the owner of the club comes back and goes, heard you almost got raped. I was like, yeah. And then they say, what? It was a joke. I was like, you're running a business. What are you doing? Yeah. And how do you know I didn't get raped?

But yeah, no, that is, it's just a curtain, you know, that's the whole thing. Or sometimes it's a room. Sometimes it's a room. It's kind of cool. It is cool when you walk through the kitchen to get to the green room and you feel like you're in Goodfellas or something. I love that, yeah. I thought you were in construction. Yeah, I love the kitchen walk.

But yeah, great club and those crowds just love comedy. Denver and Salt Lake, something about those two cities. They just eat up comedy. Maybe that's it. Maybe the mountains. I don't know. It's beautiful. Yeah, it's fun bringing someone on the road who's never been there. Because DeVito and I, the second we land in Salt Lake, he just looks at the mountains and goes, oh my God.

God, I was like, oh man, you need that energy sometimes because we get so jaded. It's like, oh, another weekend. And then he's like, dude, this is like gorgeous. I'm like, yeah, it really is. I know. And then you're just like, bam, five hours and we're in this whole other universe. Like this mountain is just staring at you. The people are different. There's no diversity. We are high elevation. You know what's bad with diversity? When I see a black guy and I get excited, I'm like, thank God I got some color in my show. This is crazy. I know, but then when you take a photo with him and chase him, he's like, what the fuck?

But yeah, yeah, I know it's it's crazy. I think my I worked there years ago and my host was black and he's like, dude, I love coming here. I'm like, really? He's like, yeah, I clean up. I'm like exotic. You know, it's like going to Sweden.

Yeah, that's interesting. Yeah, my host was a killer. Great jokes, really funny stuff. It's so nice when, you know, the club just throws someone up who's really – he was there last time I was there too. That's really one of the best clubs in the country. One of the best. We did a thing where we're talking about our best clubs and like I don't know how we left that one off. Yeah. That's the problem with doing those things. You always leave clubs off. But Wiseguy is in Salt Lake.

And then when you take a guy there like DeVito, your opener there, he's like, oh, this is what comedy can be, you know, because we get our ass kicked in the city or at a bar show in Brooklyn or some fucked up funny bone. So when you get to these great clubs, it's like it's a really special thing. It's the best, man. Yeah, it was it was a good weekend. It was just killer shows.

Yeah, I'm just happy to be on the road again, man. It's nice to be back. It's good to have an outlet. You're like, oh, this is my purpose in life. Working on an hour, going out, killing in front of strangers. The time goes quickly, though. People are like, why don't you do this on the road? I'm like, well, I do a pod with you. I do a pod with Stavros. Right.

So you're doing those bonus eps on the road. Yeah. Then you kind of need to sleep one day. That's true. Yeah. Then you get drunk one night. So that ruins a day. Yeah. Yeah. David Spade, I heard, hires a guy now just to stand outside the green room. Really? Just because so many people run back there. Well, he almost got killed by an assistant. Oh, that's right. Remember that? That's right. David Spade could have died. Right.

Wow. What happened? He had a crazy assistant who just fucking broke into his place and tried to kill him.

Holy hell. I think he fired him because the guy was a bad assistant. And then it turned out he was an even worse human, I guess. I don't know. Damn. Crazy. Spade is some of those classic jokes where I love. I just love how sarcastic he is. He's one of my favorites. When you're on a flight and the pilot, they always tell you their name. Like someone on the plane is like, oh, he's good. I like his work. That's so his. He's dry. He's so dry. Yeah, no, he's great. Nate Borgazzi's favorite comic.

He's a great comic. Great comic. People don't know how funny Spade is who are like really young. I mean, they know, but they don't. Like I've had people be like, oh, I didn't know he was this funny. Yeah. Oh, because we grew up in the 90s with like Tommy Boy and, you know. Black Sheep. Yeah, Just Shoot Me. Yeah, SNL.

New York Minute. Remember that? Was that, was it, he had a thing like a desk piece. Yeah, it was great. Spain America. That was it. Where he'd be like, Casino came out. It was great when it was called Goodfellas. He would do jokes like that. He was like, it was like the first kind of cunty comic of our generation. Yes, cunty. Yeah. Then I remember Terry Hatcher came on and put on a blonde short wig and she was like,

Black Sheep is out. I liked it better when it was called Tommy Boy. Oh, wow. Oh, that's great. And he just went, you know. Oh, yeah. He was good. It's so crazy to lose your kind of like comedy soulmate. He lost Farley, you know. He died? Holy shit. Yeah, that is. I mean, it's so weird. You're like, we're going to do this for 40 years. He probably thought. I know. I know. But he was one of those guys. Like, you hear those stories. Yeah.

The shit that I've heard about him, they said one time he jerked off in Spade's notebook and closed it. And Spade's like, ah, gee, because he knew what it was. He was like such a wild guy that he was like, ah, he jerked off in my book again. Damn. Yeah, Farley was wild. He jerked off in his notebook? He did shit like that all the time. Like you turn around and he just balls around. He's like, ah.

You know, stuff like that where he would, you know, be canceled in a second. I always said SNL used to have balls, but wow. They really, no, Farley was the funniest man. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, he had it all. He was like a cartoon character, falling through tables, fat guy in a little coat.

Yeah. Who's your top SNL person ever? I usually say Phil Hartman to sound smart. Dude, that's mine too. Oh, really? Oh, Caveman Lawyer? Come on. So good. So good. He was on another level. Dana Carvey's up there. Dana Carvey. Eddie Murphy, obviously. Yeah, yeah. Well, I think Will Ferrell's up there. Yes, yeah. Yeah, it's tough. There's so many good ones. Let's see. I mean, I love Norm too. Yeah, incredible. Norm doing for real. You know who's underrated at Weekend Update is Kevin Nealon, man. Oh.

He was great. Yeah. He's got a solid act too. Yeah. I had to follow him in LA once. I was like, man, those jokes are great. He brought me up once to the comedy store and he did not. It was hilarious where it's like he just didn't know who to bring up.

And I'd work with him like pretty recently. But it's like he's like, wait, who am I bringing up? And the waitress goes, Sam Moran. And he goes, who? And I got a huge laugh. Ah, that's funny. Here we go. Yeah. You already feel a little out of water at L.A. And then you hear that shit and you're like, oh, God, I'm really not. But then he saw my face. He was like, oh, you. I was like, yeah. Haven't you worked with him? I opened for him at Caroline's back in the day. He's such a nice guy and really funny. And was like, gave me tag.

Wow. He was like, watch my act. I think they wanted someone clean for him and I wasn't quite what he wanted. Yeah. But he was still really cool. And yeah. Great guy.

It's funny because we used to hang out at Caroline's for years. When's the last time you stepped foot in there? I've been in there, I don't know how long, two years, three years? Caroline's on Broadway, 49th and, yeah. It was an event before COVID. But yeah, I mean, I watched you. I would go watch you open for a guy. That's how little I had going on. But I remember watching you open for Jim Jeffries and you did the no bit. And he was like, that's a great joke. Yeah.

And I remember I got to hear Jim Jeffries say my friend had a great joke. And he was like, that's great. That's great. He's like hitting me. He's like already in a blackout. He's not even on yet. But yeah, that was fun. That meant a lot that he was so cool. I mean, that was like 10 years ago, probably more. Yeah. So it meant a lot that he was so cool. So cool. He took us out after. Me, you, Che. Yes. That was great. And he was like, you know, he's just a fun guy. He almost came to my family Thanksgiving, which in retrospect, thank God he was too hungover.

I just picture him going to my mother, who's like a very proper woman. I've got an anecdote for you people. I was fucking a tie hooker in the ass the other night. My mom's like, oh dear.

Yeah, that would have been like Arthur, the movie. Having him at your house, just an Australian Arthur. He would have been a good Arthur. He'd be a great Arthur. They did. Fuck, they redo movies. So they redid Arthur. With Russell Brand. I like Russell Brand, but it's like, this was their, they always need like, this is our spin. John Giggler is going to be a woman.

Helen Mirren. Right, right. I didn't see the movie, but I could just tell they made it too bright and colorful. Yes. It too Disney-fied. It looked whimsical. Yes. You want that movie to have a sadness to it. He was a sad drunk. Sad drunk, and you loved him for it.

It's the same with Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. They remade that. It was too whimsical. It had Johnny Depp. He was all quirky. It's like, no, that movie's got to have some fucking darkness to it. That movie's dark. You can't do that anymore. This is interesting. I mean, Charles Grodin just died, who's a fucking brilliant comic actor. Name one big comic actor who's dry.

Ooh. You can't have subtlety in a big comedy anymore. You cannot have subtlety. You're so right. Watch the Heartbreak Kid with Charles Grodin. Watch Midnight Run with Charles Grodin. Amazing. The lines in the Heartbreak Kid where he's talking to the girl's father. Yeah. And he goes, I didn't serve in the war in Vietnam like you did, but I served in the war here fighting against injustice. Yeah.

Just like these fucked up, he's just a horrible piece. That's why that remake didn't work because he was like, Ben Stiller was kind of cool in it. Right, right. Charles Gruden's a fucking loser in that movie. Of course. The loser is always funnier. The only thing- Take a little more. Take more. Take more. The closest thing to the dry comic actor now is probably Vince Vaughn.

And it's still not that dry. But he's probably the closest. He's like a big actor? Yeah, he's in old school. He's making like the quips off to the side, side of the mouth kind of shit. Great in that movie. Yeah, he's probably the only one. Because we had Bill Murray for a while, but then he kind of got weird. Bill Murray was the kind of the last of the dry, big...

Grodin, he has another line. I mean, so many great lines. But Midnight Run is one of those perfect movies where it's got everything. It's a buddy comedy movie. I mean, we were sucking off the nice guys on the Patreon. Oh, yeah. It's a buddy comedy. Two guys who hate each other. A bunch of colorful characters. You got Joe Pantoliano, Dennis Farina, Yafet Kodo, who just also passed away. But then...

Dude, it's so many like the line where he meets De Niro's family and he goes, he's a criminal. And the kid goes, he doesn't look like a criminal. I'm a white collar criminal. It's a fucking great line. That's great. I growed in the best. Yeah. Yeah. You don't get the dry nuances out. But I think it's it's living and prospering on the Internet.

Because like real comedy fans are like, all right, I'll go to YouTube or whatever. And you got to find your guy now. Yeah. But you're right. But dry is harder because it's all about going viral. Exactly. Dry doesn't go viral. Dry is earned. And it's a more like three dimensional trait in a character. Yeah. Like the quick, silly guy. But we're going for numbers now. We're going for mainstream. Yeah. And that's.

Kind of hurting things. We saw him on the street once. I was with my buddy Scott Rogowski and Marion Grodin, Charles Grodin's daughter, is a stand-up and she's really cool. We ran into her on the street and I was like, hey, Marion. I thought I'd look over. I'm like, that's fucking Charles Grodin. I just look at Scott, who's like the biggest Grodin fan, jaw dropped. Whoa. He couldn't speak. Wow. That's wild. He was like, man, that guy was like so dry. Yeah. He was the driest, like my ex. But yeah, yeah.

Yeah, he'll be missed. We had a Mooney and a Groton in a week. Mooney is another, like, just badass comic. Another Carolines. Did you ever watch him do, like, a long set? Oh, yeah, many times. I've watched hours of Mooney. Never got to open. I...

Never got picked for that. That was a tough gig. Yeah, that's what I heard. Because he would show up like 90 minutes late. So sometimes you just got some like regular comics just being like, I guess I got to do 90. Yes. You had to stretch, baby. And that crowd was not into you. They were waiting for him. But he would walk his own crowd sometimes. Really? He didn't give a fuck. He did not give a fuck. But in a way that was authentic. I mean like-

You said Chappelle said something about him, right? Yeah, I saw Chappelle pop in at the stand. It was pretty great. Chris Rock, Jon Stewart. And Chappelle did a whole Mooney tribute, which was really nice. But he had the best line about Mooney. He said, he could have been huge. He was brilliant enough. He was a great enough writer. I mean, he wrote for Pryor, for Christ's sake. Every special, you see his name in the credits. Exactly. He wrote Blazing Saddles, all that shit. So...

He could have been huge, but he sacrificed having a big career just to keep it real. Yeah. Which is like, wow, when you hear that, you're like, that's so true. He did. He kept it so real. He just wanted to say what he wanted to say, and it wasn't for everybody, and it's not going to work and get you mainstream success, but...

He chose his path. White man can't jump. Who cares? He owns the team. He had so many funny lines. I mean, he really talks shit to white people in a hilarious way. I remember I met him once. I did a Friars Club roast. I was 21. I bombed harder than I've ever bombed in my life. It was a humiliating night. Paul Mooney, I've never seen a guy who I thought was like, I looked up to the guy, obviously. I knew who he was.

And he was just phoning this set in. Oh, yeah. And it was hilarious to watch him just kind of get nothing and be like, I don't give a fuck. Yeah, he did not give a fuck. And he brought me on to just like nothing. He goes, this next comic, he just like read something. I think I had like a blurb. He's like, you've seen it. He's a fan of Kennison. He's a fan of Bill Hicks. He's a fan of Richard Pryor. I knew all of them. All dead. Give it up for Sam Morrell. That was my intro. You just cut to me at just like.

And I just bombed for like, and then, you know, and then Rich Voss went on after me and his first joke bombed. He goes, you better laugh or I'm bringing Sam back up. And it killed. That's a great line. Killed. Man, he sacrificed your ass for a laugh. I laughed. It was fucking hilarious. Wow. What bombed? What was so bad about your set? Was it roast jokes? I think it's weird. I don't, I just didn't have any.

I just wasn't. They could smell the fear maybe. Totally. I did an audition to get that. They did like open calls at Gotham and it was like during the day. And I remember seeing like Richard Belzer was in there like petting a dog, a little dog. Whoa. This is so weird. Eddie Brill was like one of the judges. I think it was like a couple other comics judging it. And I went up and I killed. I had like just jokes about.

They were like, just give any, I think it was just like a random celebrity, just roast them. And I did. I think it was like Simon Cowell. And I was killing. I was like, I was so nervous, but it went well. I was like, you're in. You got it. Wow. And then I just wasn't good. Interesting. It was bullshit. It was like, I didn't have, I was too new. I was 21. I just didn't have it. Wow. That's pretty wild that you had that experience. Was it at the Friars Club? Yeah, it was humiliating. Wow. It was a roast of Omarosa. Oh my God. What year was this?

or something? 07? Wow. Holy shit. That's wild. Horrible. Man, what a time capsule. Omarosa, Mooney. She looked great. She was very attractive. Sleepy hot lady. Yeah. Or sneaky hot lady. Before she was part of Trump's cabinet. Yeah. She's a pretty lady. Hell of a cheekbone on.

Oh, yeah. But, yeah, wow, that's a crazy night. And that's one of those nights you probably had a suit on. I did. So you're 21 in a suit. I posted a picture with Mooney on Instagram. I saw. Oh, that's the pic. Yeah. Is that night? Yeah. Oh, I'm sure he hated taking that pic. Yeah, you could just see in his eyes, this guy ain't going anywhere. Yeah.

Well, you beat him, technically. I won't go that far. I mean, he's just such a cool character. I mean, a lot of younger people know him from Chappelle's show, and obviously that's what...

That helped a lot of us. Yeah. How cool he was. I mean, it's so fucking funny in those. So funny. So funny. He probably wrote a bunch of that shit. I mean, he's just he was just a great comedy mind. And he has a episode of The Green Room. Yes. Great. And him and Bobby Slayton, who are, you know, both comedians.

Titans of that era going back and forth. And Bobby Slayton says the N word. And Paul Mooney just rolls his eyes. It's fucking great. Yeah, it's like Paul Mooney's like, I've heard this shit before. Exactly. You're not going to get me. The Green Room was a great show. Great show. It's on YouTube. Check that out. That's a wreck. Wreck. Paul Provenza, also a great dude. Yeah, good guy. Who loves comedy more than Provenza? He's brought a book, Satiristas. And yeah, The Green Room is killer. He had a show in the 90s.

where he just like interviewed comics nobody watched it i'm sure but it was like bill hicks is on i saw that yeah louis on one louis got a white socks with dress shoes he looks like an idiot it's fun to watch david tell all these guys oh my god but yeah now i feel like we're going too deep we're going too deep we're sorry give me a peeve give me a peeve

I have so many. I mean, basketball one tonight I had was... Uh-oh. Here's one. The guy who just like stands up in the fucking... In the aisle and is like in no rush to get a seat. I'll just stand here for a second and watch. Yeah. You're obstructing the view, you piece of shit. I know. I nearly got my ass kicked because this guy wouldn't move. He just wouldn't move. And I go... And some people were going, sit down, sit down. And finally, I got the closest shot to him. I go, sit the fuck down. Yeah.

And he turns around and he gives me the dirtiest look. He goes, calm down. Whoa. And I was just like, and I just gave him a look back. We kind of stared at each other and I was like, I think this dude could take me. Man, the energy of this game was bananas. It was bananas. I'm like, I paid a lot of money for these seats. I don't want to fucking, you know. Yeah. I don't want to miss out. Damn. What was it? Long Island out there, you think? Coming in? Pfft.

A little Long Island, a little bit of everything. That's the beauty of Madison Square Garden. You get literally every borough. That's true. And you get the suburbs. You get everything. And Jersey, Long Island, maybe some Westchester. Yeah. I mean, I feel like a lot of Jersey people are Knicks fans because fuck the Nets, dude. Yeah, yeah. Come on. And the Nets are Brooklyn. I don't know. Knicks, I'm a Knicks fan forever. So that's a... I got another peeve. All right. These people on airplanes, so...

Two peeves. One, they don't respect the zone. Oh, zone is big. I live for those zones. That's my whole life is built around the zone. It's kind of like, it's so weird when they're like, all right, we're boarding this people now. And literally every person just stands there and you're like, I go literally when I'm called. I don't. Right. You're not, you're slowing down the whole process because now the people that are boarding before you have to like weave through you. Exactly. So I hate that shit. That's a peeve. Ah,

You hate the weaving or you hate the gathering? I hate the fact that you have to weave because of the gathering. I enjoy the weave, though. It feels kind of cool. Excuse me. Get out of my way. I'm important. You're not. All right. I got Delta Comfort.

But yeah. Comfort, man. Oh, that's all I do. I don't need first class. I do. Oh, really? Oh, you got the gams. I mean, look, I had comfort today. I prefer for, I mean, it's just like, it depends on, it depends how long a flight we're talking. Yeah. Yeah. If you got that New York to LA or Seattle or Portland, uh,

It's tough not to, but yeah, I don't know. Yeah, well, the exit row is kind of a poor man's first class. You got to risk your life. I'm fine with that. It's kind of like going to war. Yeah. But then you come back and you're like, all right, you get some respect here. Yeah, exactly. I...

Who has ever... Has anyone ever gone like, hey, do you feel comfortable in a case of emergency? Has anyone ever gone, nah, I don't think I can handle it? I think people have. Oh, really? I think, sure. In the history, there must have been someone who was like, yeah, I'm a coward. I don't want to do it. All you got to do is pull the latch up. I don't know. The...

I don't know. It doesn't seem that crazy to me. Also, I feel like if it gets that bad, you could just be a coward and be like, I don't give a shit. That's true. You could jump out and get some other guy. Yeah, that's true. I would love to save the day on a plane, though. That would be the highlight of my life. In what way? Like Sully or are we talking like Mark Wahlberg hypothetical 9-11? Sully is never going to happen because I can't fly a plane. But I'm talking tackle a guy who's like belligerent or whatever in the aisle. Because...

I feel like people would have your back. You wouldn't even be fighting with a guy for that long. People would help you. But if you make the first move...

I would love to be that guy. Then you get dealt the lounge for the rest of your life. Some Donald Sterling guy on the plane. Leave him alone. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I would love to save the day on a plane. That would be badass. That would really be something. And what a credit. I mean, fuck a Tonight Show. You know him from the United viral clip. You know him from saying, get off my plane to some Russian scumbag. One of the greatest bad movies of all time. Yeah.

Air Force One is so cheesy. I love that movie. It's so good. I had the VHS. Oh, dude. Oh, yeah. I remember when the MTV Awards used to be like a bigger thing and they'd be like, in the line of the year, get off my plane. And we're like, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. That was pre-9-11, right? Yeah. Yeah. Gary Oldman. That was back when Russian terrorists were the big thing. Yes. Yes, exactly. Yeah. Those were the days. It was fine to hate Russia. Everybody can get on board with that. It's such a hilarious propaganda vehicle where it's like, fuck, Harry, can you pull up any of...

Air Force One. It's so that last scene is so funny. Yeah. Just a scene where he he's fighting with Gary Oldman. And it's like, of course, the president, like not only he saves the day. Yes, of course. It's such hilarious horseshit propaganda. It's some real patriotism Americana shit, you know, like, oh, our president is not only like handsome and nice, but he can kick ass. Harrison Ford does rock, though. Oh.

I love him. I love his dumb earring. I love that he can fly a plane. I'm a fan. Did you see the viral clip of him where the guy showed him the magic trick? No. Some guy did magic at his home and he was like, what the fuck did you do? It was like in the most Harrison Ford way possible. He was just freaking out at a magic trick. I have seen the clip of him at Comic-Con where he's like, grow up. He's like yelling at these kids like, get out of your mom's basement. Go get a hobby, you losers. And they're all like...

Han, we love you. I'd love to jump on board, but I'm wearing a jersey of a man who's younger than me on my body right now. Well, I mean, we're getting old, you know. Somebody had a good point. They said, you know you're getting old when police are younger than you. And you're like, ooh, that's true. You know, you used to, cop used to come to the window and you go, oh, yeah, sorry, sir. And now I'm like, hey, what is you, 18? Yeah, I'm like, go home. Yeah. What are you doing out?

I have a lot of new cop jokes. That might be my bit for this week. I might run one that's not really there yet, but I might run that by you. All right, yeah, lay it on me. Let's do the ad. We got an ad here, folks. Let's get an ad in here, folks. All right, all right, all right. Here we go. Did you email it there, Hare? I texted it. Oh, you texted it. Okay. Even better. Beautiful. I love text. Hate email. Upstart. Love it. We Might Be Drunk is brought to you by Upstart.

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And you got to throw in the disclaimer, folks. You know how the business goes. Loan amounts will be determined based on your credit, income, and certain other information provided in your loan application. And now, go to upstart.com slash drunk and get on it today. I think we're both getting slash drunk. I know, right? I'm slash slurring. Give me a peeve. All right. Oh, you got it. I got some interesting stuff this week. Okay, peeve.

This happened to me all weekend, and I think it's a... I don't know. Maybe we're comics. We're out every night. We're riffing and raffing. We're chopping it up with all kinds of different folk. The guy...

who you kind of know who you bump into. And he keeps asking, how are you? Cause he has nothing else to say. You know, you go, uh, you go, Hey man, good to see you. Man. What's it been like two years? He's like, I know. How are you? I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. Things are going great. I'm back on the road. Uh, what's going on with you? Uh,

you know, being the lady where we're living up here. But how are you? I'm good. I'm good. And after the third, how are you? I'm out of stuff. I'm tired. I'm tired is how I am. Yes. Yeah. I'm tapped out. Stop asking me. How are you? Let's actually have a conversation. I told you how I am twice. I made up two of them because I had to fill, fill dead air. It's, it's tough because it's almost like we're,

We've all done those morning radio show spots on the road where they have like nothing and we just have to like take over. That's what they're asking you to do. But I get fucking some of these gigs. I'm tired, man. Right. You're so right. But like, I just want to have a conversation of back and forth. And then I feel guilty if I take over the whole thing. I don't want to just make this about me. So I want to include and have an equal opportunity here. But how are you? How are you? They're asking you to dominate the conversation.

And they're making you feel guilty. It's like a double fuck you kind of. Yes, exactly. I felt guilty. And then I'm like, I'm good. I'm good. What's up with you? And now we're just in this weird stalemate or whatever. Is that a stalemate? Is that a thing? I don't know. A stalemate, isn't that a chess term?

Probably, yeah. Yeah, it's a chess term and I think neither of you can win. I guess it works. Okay. I just use it blindly. I think it works. Oh, man, speaking of chess, the Queen's Gambit girl was at the game tonight. What? She is hot. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I got a nugget for her. She lives in my building. Really? True story.

damn pretty wild her husband is or a boyfriend whatever is uh is is a beautiful man really he's like six six like ripped you know hot guy with the the v-neck and a leather jacket you can pull off a leather jacket yeah i'm working on it you did you've done it for episodes here that's our highest uh viewed episode by the way is it do you think it's because of the jacket i think it's the lj i like it man all right that that's one peep i hate just

Have a conversation. Enough with the how are you. It's tough. They're asking you to do the heavy lifting. All right. So then I'm in Hartford. So you got a drink. It's the only way to get through it. And I got this one and I hope we haven't covered this before, but I got this one from everybody. I'm trying. I've been so hung over lately. I guess I'm getting old or whatever it is.

But I've been trying to kill the hangovers and fight back. So I heard if you have a glass of water between every drink, you're going to be fine, which is not true, but I tried it. But I had the guy going, water? Really? Water? I'm like, I'm going to keep drinking. I'm just trying to stay hydrated for the hangover tomorrow.

This isn't some kind of attack on booze or alcoholism. I just need the water. It's our most natural resource. I can't have a glass. I know. Why are you making us feel? Dude, I do the same thing because I want to be able to function the next day. Yes, exactly. I don't want to lose a day. The bartender, you mean? What's that? It's the bartender? No, it was a guy I was hanging out with. So he's like, really? Water? You're drinking water? Whoa, what a weirdo. What a pussy. I'm like, upstairs.

I've had more drinks than you probably, but I just would like to have a life tomorrow. Yeah. I don't, I don't like people getting involved in your routine. How about that? You do your thing and I'll do mine. As long as I,

We talked about this on the Patreon, people who get mad when you leave too. When they're just like, come on. You're like, I've been here all fucking night. I know. How about I leave when I want to leave? It makes me like, well, I'm not going to come hang out with you next time. I leave when I want to leave. That's why Irish exits are so underrated. Oh, I love an Irish exit. No, and also guess what? When this guy's that drunk, they're not going to remember anyway. You're just saving yourself an ugly confrontation. Right, right. Exactly. So true. That's why people do it. Yeah.

It's just easier and you're not going to remember anyway. You're going to wake up tomorrow. You're not going to go, whatever happened to that guy? You're just going to go on with your shit. Is that why it's called the Irish Exodus? Because the Irish are probably the meanest when you leave.

Oh, you probably, because they're a bunch of drunks. Because they're drunks. They probably call you a pussy if you leave. And then that's probably how it events it. I don't want to piss them off. Yeah, I love it. I mean, I think it's weirdly considerate in a way. Like, look, you guys keep having fun. I'm a downer. I'll just be on my mosey way here. Also, how about like,

sometimes you're out of shit to give and you're like, I need some me time. Like we talk about it. We're both comics. We're out all the time. I think we're both kind of introverted at the end of the day. Of course. Of course.

You need those recharge time. It's like, you know, it's good for you. Don't guilt someone into hanging out. That's not your fucking friend. I know. And not to be a cunt, but how great is this party? If you, if you desperately need me there. Oh, dude. How about those texts? Come to this party. It's great. I feel like if it were, you wouldn't be pushing me. So yeah. Yeah. If you're, if you're eating out at L McPherson, you're not texting me. You know what I mean? I like that you're a hot chick reference. It's like 50 something now. Yeah.

I couldn't think of it. If you're banging Christie Brinkley, I feel like... If you got Sidney Crawford on the blower, hang on to that one. Oh, man. No, but it's so true, though. If you know Nicole Eggert... Okay, okay, sorry. If you're mope diving Donna D'Erico...

That's a great one. I'll tell you, if Carmen Electra's on the horn, don't hang up on her. If you like a little Yasmin Blee action. I think we've done all of Baywatch. Did we just talk about every woman we jacked off to? Yeah, pretty much. On our first year rubbing out.

This is our first year. Yeah, yeah. If you know Xena, the warrior princess, and you're fingering her. What if this took a turn? I was like, if you know Hercules. Oh, Kevin Sorbo. Wait a minute. That dude's gone off the deep end. Oh.

Oh, boy. He was like one of the dudes cheering on the Capitol trashing. Was he? Yeah. Wow. He was like live tweeting. He was like, they're finally coming. I'm like, ooh, this is a bad look. Yeah, him. James Woods is another one who went wild, went nuts. Great actor, though. Great actor. Phenomenal actor. Great roles. He was on a Columbo back in the day, too. Ooh. Murderer. Sorry to give that one away, but he was a bad guy. But you should have known. It was James Woods. Yeah, yeah. The second you see him, you're like, you did it. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, so true. He was great as Lester. Lester Diamond in Casino. Oh, God, he was great. The weasel. Yes, yes. There's always that guy who's like talking to your girl and you're like, who is that guy? She's like, ah, he's harmless. You're like, I don't think he is harmless. I don't like that guy. Lester Weasel or Lester Diamond. Sorry. All right. Here's my wreck. You're wrecking the green room. Great wreck. I'm wrecking two things, even though I probably should save one. Maybe I'll save one for next step.

I gotta say, I was shocked and surprised. HBO's got a new show about stand-up. It's kind of loosely based on Joan Rivers. Oh, yeah. It looks great, Hacks. It's killer! Hacks is great! I watched it with the lady. We were both like, this is a good show. This is good writing. I mean, they nail comedy. How many millions of comedy shows have come out where you're like, that's not what it's like?

That's so ridiculous. That would never happen. You know, they get heckled and the woman's on her first ever show and she's killing the guy, you know? You're like, no, she would crumble. But this is like really realistic...

Timely, very poignant, interesting, well-written show. HBO Max. It looks great. I remember Taylor Redford. I was just doing the sides with her for her audition. I remember being like, I like this dialogue a lot. The dialogue's good, and the premise is so perfect. I never like the dialogue on these auditions. Oh, they're the worst. But yeah, it is a good premise. It's like Joan Rivers and a protege, kind of. Yeah, and the protege's like an entitled, hipster, kind of Gen Z...

she wrote a blog everybody liked the blog so then she got hired on this show and now she's entitled she's like i shouldn't have to i i was on that show why do i have to keep trying and work hard and then joan river's like you gotta work you got lucky you you i i'd have like do the clubs for years you just wrote on a blog so then the girl gets canceled for a tweet about a gay senator and then uh so this joan lady hires her and uh

She's miserable. It's really interesting. It's a good show. It looks fucking great, man. Yeah, I was so impressed with it that I...

I emailed the writer, the head writer. Who? This woman, Jen Statsky. Oh, yeah. I follow her on Twitter. She's good. Her tweets are funny, too. She's a basketball head. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. So I messaged her. I DM'd her. I was like, I just want to say I've seen a million shows about stand-up. This one's actually realistic and makes sense and really funny. The writing's great. And she wrote back, thanks. I appreciate that. She's been around. She's written on a lot of stuff. Yeah. I see her name pop up a lot. She's a pro. I mean, the show is really well done.

Damn, I had a movie and I can't remember my rec now. I'm fucking an idiot.

yeah well this doesn't help yeah this is not helping yeah this can't be good for us i had like three points of when you were talking and i lost them all because i like got into what you were saying so it happens it's funny i hear that my talk to people they're like that's a great idea for a podcast you guys just get drunk and i'm like yeah you should listen to an episode we lose a lot it's for the first 30 minutes they're like oh these guys are uh you know on to something you know it's like the opposite of marin you guys you gotta stick around for the beginning

Right, right, right, exactly. Yeah, this pod's like a marriage. In the beginning, it's great, and then it just crumbles. Fuck, man, I'm trying to think. All right, I'll save the other Rick. I should ask. I don't want to blow it out. I should ask what the movie was, because I know...

Oh, you saw a great movie? I've seen it, but... You also wrecked Heartbreak Kid. You know what? Midnight Run. I got a good... Yeah, but those are... I've wrecked those a million times. I got a good wreck for you. All right, all right. Peaky Blinders on Netflix. I think you wrecked this before. No, no, no. I think... I mentioned I liked it on the Patreon. Oh, okay, okay. No, I think I wrecked Watchmen last week, didn't I?

last week yeah i thought maybe this was an older rep but no no i just started watching it i like it a lot if i wrecked this for the second time i apologize i like it because it's like uh they're always getting drunk they're always smoking the main character is fucked up from the war it's kind of got a don draper thing going on yes the dialogue is very noir there's a line where he's trying to get one of the women to this woman this bartender he's trying to get her and she's an undercover cop he's trying to get her to

hook up with this gangster that he wants to be in business with and she goes I'm not a whore and he said we all are we just sell different parts of ourselves I love dialogue like that Killian Murphy's a great actor the acting's great it gets a little doer at times the color is so gloomy but I'm in I'm into it I watched the first season and uh

It's really well done. The set pieces and all that, it really... It's cool. It's almost like cinema. Yeah, I'm into it. Style. So I like it, but it was one of those I never got back in. The second season is tough now to pull you back in. My buddy Dory pushed me so hard to watch it that I finally was like... It's one of those shows...

That you need to be put. Most Netflix originals suck. That's true. But also, we're such pampered twats. Like when you said Succession, I looked at it, I was like, ah, this looks a little slow and maybe boring. And then I was, I'm obsessed with Succession. I cannot wait for the third season. I'm so pumped. Best show on TV. It might be the best show on TV. So if you just push through, I mean, The Wire. How many times did I try The Wire? Four times? And then I eventually got going. Yeah.

So yeah, sometimes it takes a little bit of a push. Yeah. But yeah, yeah, I like it. He's a hot guy. Who? Murphy. Yeah, he's like weird. He's like those eyes. Yeah. You're like, is this dude handsome or just scary? Exactly. I've talked to girls, they're like, oh, he's so hot, he's so sexy. But who's your number one, if you went gay, who'd you hook up with first? Who have you thought about?

Prime Clooney looks pretty good. Prime Clooney is a catch. Oh, you know what movie? I just remembered what movie I was going to wreck to you. Oh, great. We got it back. This was going to be the movie wreck. Okay. Out of Sight. Oh, great movie. Soderbergh? Soderbergh. And it's cool. I saw Clooney in an interview say he needed a hit because he wasn't viable as a movie star. And it wasn't even a hit, but it was so well liked by critics that it kind of saved him. Soderbergh needed a hit. Wow.

Yeah, J-Lo is hot as hell in it. So hot. You got Dennis Farina's in that shit. Yes, Cheadle. Cheadle's great in it. Yeah. Steve Zahn. Yeah, he's underrated as a comedic actor. You got Isaiah Washington, one of the first actors to get canceled in the last 20 years. What did he do? He said he called a gay guy that slurred on Grey's Anatomy. Oh, yeah, he did the F-bomb. Yeah. Wow, I forgot. He got canceled, which you're like, damn, is there no path to redemption, though? I know.

But then, so then he, which is like a blogger word. I'm sorry I even said that. Is there no path to redemption? Truth to power. That's another big one I hear a lot. So then, yeah, the cast is incredible. Oh, Ving Rhames. Oh, yeah. Who's never not good. Love the Ving. Love the Ving Rhames. Great movie. So yeah, we watched that and I was like, man, I haven't seen this in a while. But the dialogue is just killer. And the first scene, Clooney's robbing the bank and he just, he plays an ass. Oh, Albert Brooks. Albert Brooks.

He just plays an asshole. It's fun to see Clooney play kind of like a bad dude. Yeah, yeah. No, he's – it's so stylized too and it looks great. It's kind of a throwback to like a weird 70s just kind of heisty, sexy, cool movie. Clooney – young Clooney is pretty hot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who else? I definitely like – Who has really grabbed you though? Who are you like, man, that guy is cool as shit. I'd love to blow him.

You know who's a really handsome man? Is Michael B. Jordan. Oh, yeah. He is a good looking guy. Really good looking guy. And so ripped. He's so ripped. He's like, because you got to go like action star because these dudes take care of themselves. I know. I know. Michael B. Jordan, you're like, you're playing like superheroes. You're playing fucking Creed. Yeah.

oh there we go he also is uh gq does this thing on youtube where they go like give us your daily routine like what do you do every morning and then throughout the day and he did one and he was so cool and chill and regular that it made me like him oh that would be yeah because i was ready to not like him if you're gonna be like i wake up at 5 a.m yeah i have an avocado smoothie like oh that's the rock those guys are in there brady

Yes, exactly. But then you look at Tom Brady shirtless and you're like, you look like shit. He's kind of skinny fat. Yeah. But then he's just like an incredible. So maybe it's like, it's not about how you look. Right. Well, a lot of MMA guys are like, this guy looks like doughy and chubby, but then they can kick ass. So, Hey, who knows? Oh dude. Cormier. Yeah. You should not be able to fight. That guy's amazing. He's like one of the best of all time. Who are you? You got to give me some of your guys. Well, I would, I,

got a weird thing for Oscar is it Oscar Isaac oh yeah yeah he's something about that guy is is uh he's a handsome guy swarthy swarthy I like I think if I was a lady I would go swarthy yeah short though you cool with that he is short well I'm all

I'm okay with it because I keep an open mind. I'm not as shallow as most ladies. But I'm 5'10", so I got to give it up to the under six guys. But he's such a great actor. I love the choices he picked. He's got great roles. You know, Ex Machina and Llewyn Davis. So he's cool. Both two of the most just awesome movies the last 20 years, I think. Yeah. But then if we're going...

cool guy skill level tom hardy wow pretty hot i feel like he would hurt you yeah i could see that he's like a heartbreaker but i feel like he also might fuck you too hard don't you think yeah i could see that but he's just so good and like in interviews he's he's quick and funny you gotta have quick do you ever see the movie lock

Is that the one where he's... That's not the one where he's the two gangsters. He's just in the car for the entire time. I don't think I have seen that. The entire movie is him just in a car. In a car? And it's like he does phone calls and that's the whole movie. What? It works. Come on. It's fucking great. Is he driving or is he in the back seat? He's driving, but it's like he'll get a phone call and he'll be like,

just all of a sudden happen. And you're just like, wow, that's pretty crazy that I just felt that much from just a phone call. But it's pretty crazy. Does he get out of the car?

Not really, no. What? I'm telling you, I respect movies where you're like, this is the weirdest, this must have been the weirdest pitch. Yeah, yeah, right. But you got Tom Hardy, so they're like, well, we'll take it. But I've seen Phone Booth, and that sucked. It looked like shit. It's just a guy in a phone booth. And they're like, if you leave this phone booth, we're going to blow it up or whatever the hell it is. So it's an interesting premise, but you're like...

First of all, I haven't seen a phone booth since 1988. And secondly, I don't know. I'm not that invested. Yeah. Where do you stand on bangability on like a Colin Farrell? I think he's a handsome guy. And, you know, in Bruges is great. He's got the accent. He probably is a fun drunk. So I think he's a bangable. Bangable. But I feel like it's a low hit rate. I feel like he only would get hard like every like five or six lays.

Interesting. And then some of them would be like crazy hard, hard where you're like, you're hard, but it's only for like part of the time. Yeah. Yeah. That's, I can see that. It's kind of like his career, you know, but he, he also would have the whiskey dick. Then we've all heard the Irish curse. Ooh, true. So, you know, if I'm going to go gay one night, I'd like to have at least a decent hog. Who, who else are you thinking? Uh,

Let's see. Christian Bale, not too shabby. Yeah. But he seems like he's got anger problems. Yeah. He would be in a character and take it out on you. Right. Right. That's why I'm not fucking Daniel Day. That would be a nightmare. He's like two in the role. He's like method. He's like, fuck Lincoln, too. This sucks. I thought you died at the end of this shit. What the hell? I know. Where's Booth? Didn't he?

He quit acting? Yeah. And now he's back in acting? Oh, is he? I don't think he's back. Oh, I thought he was. I thought he came back. Well, he did Phantom Threat. I think that was it. Oh, okay. I thought he relapsed. That was a good movie. Was it good? I liked it. It's very slow. Yeah. Yeah. But you're like, this dude's great. I mean, you could do worse shit than watch that dude.

Okay, no, I agree. I agree. He's a beast. But I feel like every movie this year in the Oscars was slow. I couldn't. None of them looked like movies I wanted to watch. Same. You know what the problem is? Those are movies that I can watch if I went to the theater and made a night of it. But they're not movies that I can watch at home. It's like watching a foreign film. If I see one playing in the theater, I'm in.

Right. But at home, I'm like, oh, it's hard to just stay locked in. I completely agree. You got the phone there. You got the laptop there. You got everything else there. It's hard.

It's hard to... It's got to be like... If it's like a classic, I'll go all in on it. Does that worry you? And I know we got to start wrapping this up, but does that worry you about your attention span? Because I grew up watching movies. I grew up watching TV all day. And it was just TV or I'd read a book or I'd go skate or whatever it was. But...

I would just, I would be locked into a movie and I loved every minute of it. I didn't want it to end. And now I'm like, oh, it's a good movie. Oh shit. I got to tweet something. Depends if I'm alone. Depends. I try to put the phone down if I'm going to watch a movie that, I mean, but also part of it's like a lot of movies are shit now.

A lot of movies that we grew up on, we were all in on shit movies. Like think about how many bad movies you're like, I'm just going to watch this whole thing and have no distractions. And it's like that movie didn't earn my attention. Interesting. I'm not saying it's healthy, but also like if it's a good movie, I'm going to give it a shot. Like, I don't know. Like if I'm watching even like a good show, I'm going to try. A lot of shows get greedy though now where like it'll be like an hour long show and like three scenes are good.

Right. That's true. There's a lot of that. So it's kind of like if you earn our attention, you'll get. But I do. I hear what you're saying. Like we're programming the youth to just have zero attention. We were talking about the algorithm earlier. Yeah. All these things. It's all about like instant satisfaction. I mean, think of a show like Family Guy, which is like kind of groundbreaking because they were like, we're not going to have a plot. It's really just going to be the jokes. Yeah. Yeah. That's true. They cut the fat. Yeah. They cut the fat and it was great.

I mean, I love Family Guy. I think it's still on. I don't know. Who knows? I don't want to watch his TV anymore. Isn't that crazy? It's crazy. We spent our whole lives trying to get on TV, and now we're like, YouTube is better than if we had a special on Fox. Of course. I mean, I can watch an animal attack, then I can cut to the playoffs in the 88, and then I can cut to...

fistfight in the street, then you can cut to like, oh, look at this Johnny Carson set with Rodney. It would be hilarious if that was the actual, if that was cable. You're just like, you change the channel, it's two bums beating the shit out of each other. Yeah, that'd be great. And then porn is right there. So like, it's just everything you want in any genre, any art form, it's all right there. Yeah. Nostalgia, whatever you want. So YouTube is always the winner for me. YouTube is incredible. I try to like,

I should watch Hacks. I might watch that. Give it a shot. Give it a shot. It's two episodes in. I think they're waiting for more to come out or whatever it is. Our buddy Dan Perlman and Kevin Iso have a show on Showtime called Flappish Misdemeanors, and it's getting good reviews. Oh, nice. I want to see that, too. I like both of them a lot. All right. I'll check that out. Check that out on Showtime because I hear good things. I love Iso. I've gotten drunk with him a few times. He's a good guy. We were just in a bathroom together at the stand, and we had some good laughs.

But Perlman's a good egg Perlman's got a great line About his friend I don't know maybe I shouldn't give away his material But he's got it it's an older joke his friend's like I like to date girls Who are still pretty without makeup And he's like that's not That doesn't make you noble You're basically saying like I only date God's home runs Which is such a great line God's home runs God's home runs Yeah

So, yeah, check that out. And we're on the road. We're back at it. Should we do a bit before we go? Oh, jeez, yeah, let's do a bit. I have a whole cop chunk that's hitting, but I have one or two lines that I need to get on board. All right, hit me, baby. Part of it, I don't know if I'll remember it, but part of it is...

You know, the people, I, this is how I kind of started it. And this didn't really hit, but I think there's some potential here. There's a thing on, you know, citizens app. Yes. Yes. I love it. There was a thing, there was a thing on it in California that this guy was accused of starting the wildfires with $30,000 reward. And, uh,

It was up for like 15 hours and it turns out he didn't do it. And it's almost like the liberals who were like defund the police were also like, what if we were the police? That's so true. It didn't really hit, but I think it's like a fun premise. So I started doing a thing like, I think they should have to be the police for a year, the far left. That would be just perfect. Oh, yeah.

just a year of them like you know pulling you over and you're like was i speeding like no but uh we found a tweet of yours from 2008 that's great is that against that's the angle is that against the law and you're like no we just wanted to know we just wanted you to know that we know and you're like yeah that's great so then i want to do a thing i had other angles with it like uh you know i'm trying to think of it like uh

you're under like you have the right to remain silent but if uh if you do want to speak we're willing to listen because you've been a marginalized voice and we're aware of that right it might cut that might do one about um it feels like if they were black they wouldn't get pulled over hey that guy's speeding yeah he's black let's let it go let's let it go they plan evidence on jewish on jews and white people they're like can't this or like uh you know another angle is like uh this this hit this line hit where i was like uh you know uh

It's kind of like, I feel like he's guilty. And you're like, well, the evidence says he's not. And you're like, well, you have your truth and I have mine. Oh, that's good. That's good. Yeah. This is my truth. This is my truth. Yeah. Well, we need a judge to come in. No, no, this is my, this is, we've already, this is how I feel. Yeah. Yeah. You can't argue with how I feel. So then the last part, this bomb, I think this is funny, but this bombed, I say, you know, yeah, cops make horrible decisions, but at least most of them are split second decisions. Um,

Like liberals make bad decisions that last decades. Cops are like, cops are like, hope that's a hope that's really a gun. Liberals are like two to the Woody Allen again. Really? Yeah. I guess I guess people aren't thinking about Woody Allen as much as we are, but that's great.

also cops the thing about cops is yeah like they'll put a guy in jail he does the time they get out with with the the liberals it's like you're just fucked forever we just hate you and you're yeah you're just stuck there's no there's like it's funny the same people that are like this person deserves a second chance or like fuck that guy forever yeah exactly

Where's the second chance? Somebody had a great line. It was like, wokeness is like a religion, except there's no forgiveness. Yeah, that's great. That's a great line. That's heavy. Damn. But, you know, that's great. It's a hard bit because there's nothing tangible there. You're just going all off of basically like kind of the world we're living in now. Yeah. That's a great bit, though. It's just fun because I do think that like,

A lot of the fun, like, look, I identify with a lot of liberal politics, but a lot of a lot of progressives will do shit where they don't ever put themselves in the other person's shoes. Yes. And it's like, which is the definition of open mindedness and consideration, compassion. Well, you see people like like white women yelling and like there was one of like her like pulling a black cop's face that went viral. And it's like that guy might know what it's like. Right.

Right. Black Lives Matter. He's like, I'm black. I'm a cop. I might have my foot in both. Yeah. I might actually have an understanding. I don't know. I think they get so swept up in like the activism and saving the world and everything that like you don't realize you're yelling at this guy. But it's not real activism. You posted a fucking black square on Instagram. You didn't do anything like there's no. I even think about this a lot. Like I went to a couple of protests and they're not. People just want it to be a thing. But it's like.

Real protests were unsafe. Yeah. Like Martin Luther King and like you were marching in Mississippi. That was unsafe. Yeah, totally. You're fucking marching in the suburbs. Right, right. There's a Panera Bread right next to where you're marching. You're getting a bowl right after this shit. Yeah. And when you break it all down, a lot of this is for you.

For sure. Lady, this is all... You wanted a picture for your... You want the photo. Yeah. You want people to know... And look, look, I'm not saying your intentions aren't good. I'm not saying that it's good to feel that people deserve equal rights, obviously, and that like your heart's in the right place. But there is an annoying type of person that is like...

I don't want to get political on here because it's like a fun drinking show. But when people are like defund the police, it's like, well, come up with a fucking solution then. Exactly. What's the solution? We all have guns. Right. I can't drive a car. I feel like this isn't going to work out well with a fucking firearm. And then ironically, the people who say defund the police are very police like they're telling you what you can do, what you can't say, what you can't do. And you're like,

He's like a cop. I'm scared of you. Like, I thought you hated these people and you're one of the... It's the gay senator who's closeted and he's like, we got to stop these homos. And you're like, you're gay, dude. This is the... This is your weird...

Overcompensation. It's the same shit. Right. And both sides have fucked up. The extremes are all overcorrected. Exactly. Most people just are decent. But yeah, certain things obviously have to be corrected. But look, I just think there's... Just don't make it about you. You know, to help people, I like progress. I want people to be equal and move on and all this. But like, this is more for... A lot of people, it's more for them than it is for the actual cause. Yeah.

They're tweeting about shit, but they're not actually living that shit.

Yeah. I think there's a disconnect with social media where I think like you're, you're a different person behind the keyboards. It is like, it's all for a lot of it. It's not everybody. A lot of people it's for show. Oh yeah. Like, I mean, you're not showing your low points on there. You're not leaving the abortion clinic like selfie. You're doing it at fucking, you're showing yourself leaving like cool places. Right. Right. You know what I mean? You're not showing yourself at your lowest. You're showing yourself and you're like, you, there, it's, there is virtue signaling obviously. Yeah.

It comes down to perception. I want to be perceived this way. And that's what we do online. I mean, I want to be perceived as funny, so I only post jokes. I do not post anything. People are like, why are you being quiet about this? I'm like, I'm quiet about everything because I'm a comedian and I'm keeping it jokey. I have a lot of new bits. It's funny. I have a new bit also about how...

I saw a guy in a t-shirt that says fuck racism. I was like, damn, we have to wear shirts now. It's like, I can't just feel that in my heart. It's like, I say, you don't see me walking around in my Islamophobes can suck my nut t-shirt. And so the angle I'm doing is like, I just want to start walking around in like a, in a t-shirt that says fuck baby rapists. And people are just like,

Like, why are you wearing them? Like, are you pro baby rape? Exactly. And they're like, no. And I'm like, well, I'm trying to raise awareness. So it's like, there was like an obviousness to this and like a- Yeah. There was like a virtue signaling element where it's like, most people know that

A lot of it's like structures that need to be changed. Most people are, I think, good. I agree. I agree completely. It's this gooey middle, you know, where some people are too far this way, some people are too far that way. Most people are just somewhere in the middle just being quiet. It's like the quiet guy on the train. We're like census workers in the way that we meet people because we're like we meet so many people on the road. Right. And I do feel like I meet so many people. I'm like, this is a good person. This is like I can tell that decent human being.

like so many people i met after the shows in utah i'm like these are like calm kind of humble like kind people yeah and then you know you see people on social media and you're like where the fuck did that go i know i know social media is like when someone does a line and a couple of whiskeys you know you're like this should not be what you're putting out there but the bad shit gets the likes of the bad so people kind of like whether you like it or not it's almost like

you get fed when you behave badly yes yes i mean look at the the headlines like stop asian hate is the hashtag so like the news will only show asian people getting beat up but like a bunch of people get beat up my friend's a cop he'll be like oh yeah a bunch of people got beat up that day but they show the asian one just because it's a hashtag you're like i don't know if that's that's not good well they go with whatever the stories of they go with the headline i mean shit man there's like

If you're outraged about it, that's what they're running that week because that's the news now. It used to be the news and now it's literally like, this will get the clicks. Yep, yep. Like, look at every New York Post tweet. You're like, every single one of these is shameless clickbait. Yes, of course. Of course. Like, I saw the one the other day and it was like...

Meet the real Bennifer. Like, why this is more... Forget the old Bennifer. I'm like, I'm trying to forget, but you fucking post it every day. Right. And that's the irony, is they want bad shit to happen. Like, you actually hate bad shit, but you actually love it. It's like when a...

does the Grammys and everybody's like, Bill Burr's a racist. And then people go, well, actually his wife's black. And they go, whatever. Like, what do you mean? Whatever. I thought you hated racism. There's, you were wrong. Whatever happened to someone just not being your type of person. Well, that too, but it's like, yeah, I love Bill Burr, but maybe he's not for some people and that's okay. But like, why do you have to jump to fucking racist? I don't get that. Because they, they,

But the irony is they want it to be racist. But it's all good in the end because it's all just clicks for Bill and it's all just attention for Bill. I mean, look, it's annoying, but at the end of the day, more fans are finding Bill Burr. I hope so, but I read every one of those fucking things because I'm a psycho. You are a psycho. Something's wrong with you to read this shit. I read all because I want to know where people's heads at. And I'm like, this is crazy. You really think he's a racist? Then they show pictures of his wife and he's like...

They're like, ah, who cares about that? He could still be right. You're like, Jesus, what is wrong with you, psychos? But it's like kind of like, are you battling real hate? Are you battling real intolerance? Or are you just sitting behind a keyboard and stirring shit up? Yeah, Twitter is like a stock market for fake activism. Oh, Asian hate's up this week. Let's go with that. They're all looking at a big screen. Stop Asian hate. Let's go. Let's move. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What about the clits getting cut off? Ah, that's old. That's out. Go with the Asian, you know.

They're in a room. Some guy takes them to lunch. He has a martini. We get a lot of Asian hate tweets going, ooh. Ooh. I get three Asian tweets before dinner. Workout at 6 a.m. Ooh. Not everyone's going to get that, but if you got it, that was dead on. Most people get it. Come on. You haven't seen Wolverine Wall Street? Come on. I love it. Give me a joke. All right. Oh, man. I...

I feel bad because this sounds cunty, but I've gotten a bunch of jokes from this show to work. So I don't want to do one that works. Same. No, dude, I feel like I feel the same way. And I do get the compliment from people after the show sometimes. Like, it's cool to hear you and Mark say that and then see the joke work. So I'm glad that's kind of the point of the show. So I'm glad that totally point of that segment, at least.

All right, all right. So this is a joke I'm working on about, it's actually about similar to Twitter, so it's kind of in the same vein. But one of the cool things about animals is, first of all, they can't tweet. And animals have horrible lives, and they never bring it up. Like, if animals could tweet, it would put all our bullshit in perspective. Wow. You know, like, you know, if a zebra in Africa was like a, you know, a...

Finally found water. Haven't had water in a week. And then at Crock, I'll eat my only child. FML. You know? You've got to do some line. I don't know if you already do this, but some line about our children are in cages. Hashtag chickens or something. Oh, that's good. That's good. I like that.

And then I have this whole thing about how we don't realize, but one of the best qualities of animals is they don't bitch. They don't complain. Like, you watch Planet Earth. Some zebra's running away from four lions. They bite him on the ass. They pull him down by his neck. And then he kicks one in the face. He manages to get away. And that's just it. There's no blog. There's no press conference app. There's no scene of the zebra going...

Well, that was a fucking hate crime. Jesus Christ. Did you see that? It's because I'm interracial, you know. Is that it? That hits. Yeah, yeah. I like, too. It's like my flight gets delayed 30 minutes. I'm like, hashtag fuck Delta forever. Exactly. Meanwhile, these people, like, watch their families die, and they're like, tomorrow will be better. I don't know. Right. Yeah. They're just trying to survive. They're trying to get through it. And there's zero... Obviously, they can't talk, but there's zero, like...

I mean, you just move on with your life. There's something about having to survive. Like, we create these, like, status system. Like, you know, you're on your flight. You're, like, annoyed you don't get upgraded, right? That doesn't exist in the animal world. No. It's just fucking sink or swim. Yeah. And there's something, like, very...

You're going to be less depressed when your life is that simple, probably. Completely, completely. And us complaining is a privilege. We don't realize it. Like, we have Yelp. We have segments on this show. Yes! We complain, and it's funny. It's like, it's therapeutic. Like, I complain on this show, and I'm like, I feel better. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they can't do that. Animals actually Yelp. They Yelp for help. Like, they're like, hey!

Have you tried that? No, I just thought of that. We have a site called Yelp. We're like, it's drafty in here. Don't come to this restaurant. Three stars. The enchiladas were only okay. Their Yelp is, I lost my leg. Right. Exactly. And they press on. I lost my leg. Two and a half stars.

I like the kids in cages, chickens in cages. That's good. That was something because it's like we complain about kids in cages, but it's like they're literally in cages because they're about to die. Right, right. Yeah, they're bringing ships over. Like we're shooting on hotels. They're literally like, oh, did you not like a Holiday Inn? I was in a slaughterhouse. Yes, that's great. There was a pube in the shower. Animal's like, I eat.

I eat fur, carcasses, whatever it takes. We were in the hotel and DeVito said to me, he's like, man, there's dogs in this hotel. I change rooms because I think I have fleas. Whoa.

Oh, damn. I was like, fleas? We're in a fucking hotel with fleas? Jesus. Fleabag Motel. Fucking fleabag, dude. That's hilarious. He told me, he's like, I've had fleas before. I'm like, who are you? I've had fleas. You've had fleas? Well, my dog had fleas as a kid, then I got fleas, and it's a nightmare. Yeah, it didn't sound good. No. I think I'm good. Bedbugs is still worse. Bedbugs is fucking... That is like nom vet shit. You're up at 3 a.m., like, they're coming after me! You're having flashbacks and night terrors.

I love it. All right, we got to wrap this up. We got to wrap it up. We're going long. Albany Funny Bone this weekend, man. Friday, Saturday, Atlantic City, Tampa, Sidesplitters, Raleigh, a lot of great shit coming up. Raleigh, North Carolina, samuel.com slash shows. Oh, that's a good site.

I've never heard that. I've never heard live or comedy, but shows is good. Yeah, man. Virginia Beach Funny Bone. Never been. You ever done that one? I haven't. Everyone thinks that my stew story is for Virginia Beach. I changed the city for the joke, but it's a similar city. Okay. But I've never been to Virginia Beach. Yeah. I'm coming with Fat Chris Al. That should be fun. Orlando, Florida. Let's sell that puppy out. San Antonio. Yeah.

Helium Get those breakfast tacos man Oh yeah love it San Antonio's got some fucking great Mexican food Great Mexican food Great Alamo Portland Helium Funny Bone Syracuse That's gonna hurt Toledo Funny Bone Houston Improv Philly Buffalo Dayton So yeah the calendar is full I got like Nashville and Zanies coming up Oh you gotta go to that That's a hot That's one of the fun clubs

Tell Lucy I said hello. A lot of great clubs coming up. I forgot anything. I feel bad. Matt's going to get divorced if we don't wrap this thing up. Oklahoma City coming up in July. Madison. What are you doing, Madison?

That's one of the greats. One of the greats. I'm fired up, guys. Keep listening. Subscribe to our Patreon. We might be drunk pod. Yes. Patreon.com slash we might be drunk pod. Email us your peeves, your wrecks, all that bullshit, your jokes, anything, your drinks. We might be drunk pod at gmail.com. Yes. Love you guys. Thanks for listening. Thank you.