Ep 24: Ochota 01:29:37

We might be drunk We might be drunk As long as we are hanging out You know we might be drunk Raise a glass, let's talk shit Pep heaps, wrecks and a bit Maybe drunk We might be drunk Yeah

Hey, hey, folks. Here we are. We might be drunk episode. Who knows what? We've been drinking. We're all over the road. You're back from a flight. I'm leaving tomorrow on a jet plane. Love that song. Great tune. You ever see the movie The Guard? No. It's John Michael McDonagh made it. It's a...

It's Brendan Gleeson and Don Cheadle. Oh, wow. I think it's one of the best comedies the last 20 years. What? It's amazing. How have I never heard of this? Martin McDonagh's brother, who wrote like in Bruges. Oh, yeah. They're related. I don't know if they're brothers. That's a great movie, too. That's a great movie. It's that tone, kind of. It's like a dark comedy. That's good. Brendan Gleeson, dude. Yeah, witty dialogue. That guy's a hell of an actor. But they play Levin in the jet plane for the credits, and it's like a great use of it. Yeah, even the Bjork one is good.

I haven't heard that one. Oh, man, that's how you know it's a good song when the Bjork version is still killer. Is Bjork not good? Well, it's a bit much. Yeah, we get it. You're weird. I just don't know the work at all. She shows up to, oh, boy, that's a good pour there, huh?

I mean, who are we kidding here? Yeah, good point. It's two in the morning. I don't even know what day it is. It's my pick, so we're doing another weird natty wine. I like it. I'm learning a lot here. I feel like you're trying to fuck me with these cool wines. You're trying to show off. I just like mixing it up.

Now mix it up. I come in here with a bottle of hooch and whiskey and all this. Oh, that is amazing. I'm not a huge wine guy and I like it. This natural wine got me in because it's so funky. You never know what it's going to taste like. And this guy who choked it, he just passed away. He was a winemaking legend from Australia. Wow. 49 years old.

Oh my god, that's so sad. Why are they making Legend? How cool is that? Yeah, so I was at the store a while back and the guy was like, you gotta get this because it's our last bottle and this stuff is going to be really hard to find because he just passed away. Wow. Good eggs. Man, if I was a lady, I'd be fucking into you now. You're more important. Thank you.

Thank you. I appreciate it. You'll appreciate it. You're a drinker. This is really good, and it's thin. It's a thinner wine, which I like. Sometimes wine, they get the wooden tongue, the purple teeth. If you were a lady, I'd say, you're thin. Somebody get me a towel to sit on. You're really charming the pants.

Oh, this is good. Really good. You have a good night. I ran into you at the stand. You were filming. Filming some stuff. I don't want to give it away, but working on a cool video idea based on another video idea. It's quirky. It's weird. It's different. It's outside the box. It's an O'Chada of comedy.

It's going to die. No, it seemed like people were loving it when I was there. Yeah, it's going well. It's going well. It's a whole new weird thing I'm trying. And that was it. I'm not changing my act. I'm not becoming one of these weirdo ukulele guys. You're going to start beatboxing on stage. I'm like, damn it, this guy, he's changed. Yeah. People always try to add a new thing with an easel or beatboxing. It's like, I don't know, just do the act.

Yeah, I mean, the easel, at least Dimitri Martin was really creative with it. I get that those one-liner guys feel like they have to add something. Yeah, definitely. Even Stephen Wright had a guitar sometimes. Yeah, and Hedberg had the- The Chuck. Yeah. Chuck in the back. Stanhope had a guitar. He did? On one of them. Yeah, one of the albums had a guitar. Something to take the edge off.

But he didn't have it. No, no, no. But he had, I think it was Henry Phillips playing it. Oh. And it was that Bobby Barnett story, which is amazing. Amazing. Henry Phillips, look him up too. He's hilarious. So funny. Punching the Clowns is movie. Great movie. A lot of our friends are in that. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Always amazes me when a guy's like, I'm a comic, but I've always wanted to make a movie, and he just makes a movie. That's so cool. I don't have that in me. You do. You were getting filmed tonight. What are you talking about? But that's like, hey, me and this guy have an idea. We go shoot it. Like sitting down, writing the script, and then getting the actors together. I mean, that is a whole to-do. You know what you need is someone, you need like a guy who's really organized.

organized to help you write it. Cause you'd have great ideas, but you need someone who's just like, Mark, sit down. Right. Right. That's what you need. Yeah. And that's why money is great. Like we have a little more money than we used to. So this guy's like, Hey, I'm going to come film you here. And I was like, Oh, I got a book travel. Can you book it? And I'll just give you money. And he's like, sure. And I'll just give him an extra couple bucks. Cause he booked it and I need to pay him the money for it. That's a good point. Yeah. There is something about, uh,

having someone else. I mean, I wrote a show with, you know, with a guy who's a veteran who like knew how to do this shit. And I was like, oh, I wouldn't have, I wouldn't have known how to do this. Oh, it's huge. And then you start to understand improv and sketch. Like there's a whole team there. It must be nice. I mean, I don't want to improv troop follow me around, but you know, it's gotta be nice to have a little backup. I would love to write it like a movie. I think that'd be awesome. Really? Yeah. Why not?

I tried in college and I got like 40 pages in Then you start going Oh I don't know if this makes sense What's act 2, what's act 3 What's the arc Because you need a guy whose primary thing is Writing scripts to write with you And then you'd have it That's why so many people write It would be like screenplay and it's like 4 names

Yeah, that's true. I always wondered about that. Well, a lot of times I guess it's like two people who wrote it and then like another two are like, we co-wrote it, but they just like changed like four lines. Yeah. But they're more famous. Right. And then there's teleplay. Yeah. Script. I don't know what any of that means. Screenwriting script written by, there's always all these weird little terms I never know. I think you'd write a great script.

I appreciate it. I like the dialogue part. That's what your act is. You have that Rodney Dangerfield thing where someone sets you up to say the funny thing. Yeah, I can do the dialogue, I bet. But the actual character development and then the arc of the story and then has to be a conflict and a resolution, that's the part that kills me. Yeah. The story structure, which you are a story. You're great at stories.

I don't think I am. I mean, you got some, I mean, you put it at the end of your act for a reason. I mean, it's a big, compelling. Well, it's hard to follow. Yeah, that's true. It's not just like, it's like you're burying yourself. It's hard to be doing like a lot of jokes and then tell a long story and then go right back into jokes. That's true. That's true. You gotta end on it. Just in terms of rhythm, they're just like, wait, what? But you got that white knight, man. That's your white whale. I mean, you would text me at 4 a.m. This is...

Four years in the making, like maybe this is the ending. Maybe that's the ending. And I was like, oh, that's not bad. And then two years later, maybe this is the ending. And I just pictured you with a fucking cigar sitting in an ashtray. You got a bottle of bourbon like this white knight story. Look that up.

What special is that on? It's the end of I Got This. Yes. It's a closer. That's funny. I remember Colin Quinn being like, huh? I was running angles by him and he's like, no, that doesn't work. I remember running it by people and being like, what do I do? I can't figure this out. Yeah. I picture a beautiful mind. You got a huge chalkboard in your bedroom and you're just like, I can't crack it.

It was tough. Stories are tough, but they take a lot of work. They take a lot of work. I would think of this story. There's a story about Leonard Cohen. Like I relate so much to this story in terms of like how hard it is for me to write something I like. Yeah. Uh, but he met Bob Dylan for lunch or something like that. And he was like, Oh, you wrote this song. I love, uh,

And Bob Dylan's like, oh, you wrote a song. Like, I love Hallelujah. How long did it take you to write it? He's like, five years. And he goes, you wrote this song. Like, how long did that take you? And he goes, oh, it was like 30 minutes. Oh, isn't that crazy? But I relate to the five years where you just agonize. Of course, of course, yeah. Because that bit took me forever. I just had to shelf it and just say, I forget. I'll come back to it in like two years. You got to step back every now and then because you get lost in it. It's just like it consumes you and you can't see it clearly because you're in the middle of it. You got to get out of it and look at it for what it is. Yeah.

You'd be a great story person. You just stick to jokes, though. Yeah, I stick to jokes. I worry. I mean, if I have a joke with a setup that's a little bit longer than my normal setups, I feel like I'm losing them. Then you see one girl go pee and you're like, oh, I'm fucked. She's gone. What would your therapist say, though? He'd be like, they're connecting to you.

I know, I know. Although that might not be true of some of these strip malls. Sometimes they're just like, nah, I just want to check a text. There's a long bit. I was in Miami a few weeks ago, and if you have two syllables extra, they are doing a rail off the table. They're ordering a drink. They're blowing somebody. It was...

It was tough. They're getting a jet ski online, you know? So like that was that Miami is like, you gotta have a tight act. I had a, I had a gig in Spokane the Friday early show. They were just animals, just truly animals. They drink out there.

Yeah, they really do. Like the rest of the weekend, they were good. But this one show, they just, I was just, they're just, I'll do a thing sometimes where I'm like, give me a topic just so I know riff on it. The way like that set list show works. Yeah. All right. If I can riff on this, you do that to the crowd sometimes at the end of shows. Cause I try to come up with bits. Sure. Sure. And if I'm bored with,

you know, I just do that. And usually I'll get good, and I'll try to write jokes about stuff so I can kind of like be like, let me try to slide this joke in, let me slide this joke in. Yeah. But they're just yelling all at the same time. Oh yeah. You know this isn't working. Right, right. But they're just so drunk, they're like, do my thing, do me, interact with me. And,

It's so funny how that works. We have all these tight jokes that are tried and true and tested. Just tonight, I was bombing. I did an outdoor show, which I think I'm done with. I'm giving up outdoor shows. Cold turkey. It's horrible. I walk up to the stand, and there's an ambulance going by while someone's on stage. I'm like, I think we're good. Yes. I think we got this. Yeah, my act is in there. It was for the comic, by the way. We both did the same joke. Yeah, it's a nightmare, and I did it tonight. It's the last one. I'm putting my foot down.

but, uh, and I'm stepping in shit on the sidewalk. I'm done with it. But a lady was filming me, this Asian girl was filming me and I was like, ah, ma'am, could you just not do that? I know a guy who just got, uh, you know, his career ruined by saying an Asian joke. I'm trying to hold back. Could you put the camera away? Yada, yada. And, uh, she was cool about it. She's like, oh, sorry, sorry. But it's just, that was killing harder than my act because it's,

it's in the moment it's right there you could see her you got and they knew the story all of them some of them did yeah i mean he's a comedy fan it's probably half of them knew but i was still zinging and zanging a little but uh that they were like oh shit this is crazy because it's it's a moment instead of just the other day i was at the store and you know you kind of get into that joke rhythm right and then they it's like a lullaby almost right right but yeah she was she was nice yeah that's good that's uh where were you this weekend

Baltimore, right? Yes, that's right. Yeah, Baltimore. It was great. We sold it all. It's so funny. I mean, I don't want to get too in the weeds of comedy, but I get a text on Tuesday, hey, man, you got to start promoting. Tickets are rough.

And then I did that L.A. run, Bobby Lee and Chris D. and all these other ones. Marin sold out, added a show, sold out. Incredible. So those podcasts, they work. They work. Also, my mom heard you on Marin. You got the bump, Sam Morrell's mom. I'll take it. She knows comedy. She loves comedy. And she was like, that was a hell of an interview. She listens to Marin constantly. It's so funny that my mom listens to Marin, but she'll be like,

She'll say like, God, he's such a narcissist and he's so full of himself and he's so, you know, damaged. And I was like, but you like the show? She's like, he's a great interviewer. He is great. He loves the show. I was in the middle. You've done it. Yeah. I was in the middle of it going, wow, he's good. Like in the middle of talking to him, thinking this guy is good. He's pulling it out. He brought it. He brought it extra because of you, though, I think. Well,

Well, I was... Because you were bringing it, I think. I was bringing it. It makes him bring it. And you're like a foot away from it. It's that tiny wooden table. You're in his basement. Did you Zoom it? No, I was there. Okay, because Joe List Zoomed it. It was a big deal when I was there. It was like peak COVID. Oh, wow. And they were like, will you go? And I was like...

Yeah. Ah, it's Marin. Yeah. It was when I was still like the peak paranoia of it. But that's the thing about these, you know, people shit on Marin. He's a narcissist. He's a cunt. He's prickly. But that's why it's a good show in a weird way. He is a legend. He is. And I do respect him.

Definitely. Definitely. I mean, I listened to him before I did comedy and enjoyed it. He's done like 40 Conans or something. He also recorded two albums at the club I performed at over the weekend, Laughs, in Seattle. Is that right? So Laughs is formerly, it was first called Giggles. Mm.

Then it became a strip club. They just took the G off and called it Jiggles. Giggles to Jiggles, back to Giggles. Yeah. And now it's Laughs. And it was a good weekend. Yeah, that's a real mom and pop kind of neighborhood club, too. It's like right in the residential area. I like that room. Have you ever done Seattle the City?

I did the Tacoma Underground. No, wait. The Underground. Seattle Underground. Really? I didn't do a weekend there, but I did a couple spots there. And it was good. Yeah, it's like a classic room. Yeah, but I mean, it was like heroin all around. Yeah, I heard that guy likes to dance with the, you know what. The white horse. Yeah. The old yam-yam.

But Seattle doesn't really have clubs. I know. It's a major city. And they got Amazon there now. So it's like you'd think they'd be booming with clubs. I mean, you just feel the wealth gap in that city. There's literally like 40 homeless people and then like three dudes fly by in a hovercraft. And you're like, what the hell? I know. I know. But the beauty of it is it's all white.

So like, look at that white piece of shit. Look at that rich guy. And they're all the same. So you don't feel bad. There's color involved. You're like, oh, we got to help these people. You know, that's true. It is weird. But it's like, you know what it feels like? It feels like you like one corner is Dawn of the Dead. The next corner is like Star Trek or something. Yeah, it's so true. It's really and it's like weed is legal there.

Oh yeah. There's weed everywhere that you smell it everywhere. Yeah. Yeah. It's so, so many thrift stores. Yeah. Mike Lawrence said this great joke. He's like, I love Seattle because you have so many strains of weed and lesbian. And you're like, that is such a perfect Seattle line. You know, I opened with one that hit where I said, man, I saw a homeless guy smoking weed and I was like, do you need to be hungrier? Uh, we'll work for munchies. Yeah.

What, yeah, Seattle was great, though. I've never done a weekend there. No, it's a great town. Good, smart audiences, too. Like, they get it. They're comedy people. I think sometimes those kind of hipstery towns like Portland or Seattle will overcompensate and like the dark stuff because they know they have that crunchy reputation. Dead on. Yeah. I think you're totally right. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I remember I used to have a bit about like a gator, the gator bit about the baby getting eaten. And I worked it out in Portland and it bombed every show. There was a seven minute chunk where I bombed every show and I wouldn't, I wouldn't stop doing it. I was like, by the end of the weekend, I was like, I think I have to drop it. Whoa. And then I, and then I went to Tampa and where did they restore my confidence? That's funny. Cause that has like,

Like over a million views on YouTube. A lot of them are hate. Oh, really? Yeah. That's the bit I've gotten the most threats over. I mean, that's Howard Stern. He's like, yeah, 60% of my views are people who hate me, but it's views. Yeah. It's tough because I do feel like I'm mocking the woman who was outraged more than the baby. I feel like I made one joke about the baby and that outraged someone. Right. And the joke was really pretty tame, but then-

Yeah, that's a good point. But then the woman got outraged, so I mocked her for like seven minutes. Yeah. And people were like, he's making fun of a dead baby. I'm like, I don't really feel like I am, but you know. No, they don't listen. They just know the subject matter. Hey, the crocodile ate a kid. Are you doing a joke about that? You're like, no, you got to listen. Yeah, well, she tried to kind of get me fired for...

It was a new joke. Obviously, it was like a brand new news story. I wrote it like that day. Yeah. And then she was like, he should not be allowed to work there. So I was mocking her. I mean, it's all. Yeah, that's it. That's all it is, folks. You got to listen. If you try to get me fired, I should at the very least get to mock you in a comedy special. Yes. Here, here for doing comedy in a comedy club. What do you want, lady?

The Marin interview was so good that you told these stories, man. Like, I mean, the story about getting near mugged in the East Village. I know. True story. And you're right. I got to do it on stage at some point. Got to do it on stage because it's so fascinating. Fascinating. Saved your ass. Yeah. It's got everything. It's got layers because like I judge them. I didn't judge this guy and I was completely wrong. Can't judge a book.

For those of you, I'll give you a quick version. I came home. I used to live in Crown Heights, rough area. And I saw five guys on the corner shooting dice, drinking 40s, you know, out of a movie like Central Casting. You know, the cardboard on the ground, you know, jumping up and down, going nuts, rap music playing. You know, I sound like an old man. The hippity hop play.

and these smoking jazz cigarettes. So I was like, all right, I'm going to just cross the street. And then an older guy is coming towards me, and I think he was on PCP or something. He just picks me up. He tried to get my iPod. He slammed me against the business. These guys come over, beat the shit out of him. I'm talking like kick him in the face and crazy shit. And then I ran home, and I got away with it. And the cop said, those are drug dealers. They can't have a white kid getting fucked up in the neighborhood. So they had to step in. Wow. Yeah. Yeah.

That has layers, that story. Yeah, that was 2007 in New York City back when it had some edge. It's funny that you have this fucked up thought

You know, you kind of profile. Yeah. And then you get saved by them. I mean, there's absolutely layers there. Like to have a bad thought and then to be saved. Completely the opposite. Yeah. I thought they were going to hurt me. They saved me. This guy. But then they're still dealers. Yeah. So it's like that too. There's like, yeah. So are they heroes? Are they not heroes? Yeah. It's fascinating. It's like life, baby. It's complex.

You got that right. Kind of like this red right here, Mark. Yeah, full-bodied. Very complex. Heavy. Goes down easy. You never got mugged? You're from here. You never got mugged? My brother did. Oh, really? I never did, no. Was it bad? No, they stole his watch. It was like nothing. It was like a shitty watch. Gun or anything? Knife. Ooh, old school. Yeah, no, I never got... I got fucked with. I never got mugged. I'd run away. Yeah, well, that's the move. Yeah.

Fucked with like... Like guys cornering me and talking shit. Oh, yeah. He was like, I gotta just get away. Wow. Poor little Sam with a backpack on. I'm thinking when it happened. No, it was just like a sweater. It was like a fleece or something. That was it. Yeah, yeah. And they were like, he's a little white kid. Fuck this kid. Right, right. And they fucked with me and nothing happened though. My brother got mugged and...

He wasn't even that worried about it. You know, he's like, he's like, yeah, it happens. My brother, my brother, my brother's pretty chill. Like he's, I mean, he works for the DA's office. He's like, Oh wow. He's like a legit, like chill kind of, he hates, like he's, he's so left. He's so far left in his views and everything. And he's so, um, like he's, he's a great guy, but he's also like very, uh,

He's always been against corruption, you know? Interesting. Like, he used to work for the CCRB, the Civilian Complaint Review Board, which is like corrupt cops and shit. And yeah, now he's a DA's office. Like, he's all about stopping corrupt people. This feels like a TNT show. You know? Man, that's crazy. Morelli and Iles. Yeah.

Yeah, my brother's the exact same way. That's so funny. My mom was freaked out because she was like, I didn't realize Mark and you have similarities. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. But we really like, I think we have the same issue. We've talked about it where we're like, I think a lot of comics don't feel seen. Yes. It's not like we didn't get the attention. It's that we didn't feel seen. You are such an example of that to me because even in the marathon you're talking about how you're at this like, you know,

You're at this public high school Then you're at the Catholic high school And like either way Neither of those were really you Right, right, exactly You didn't really fit in it either Yeah, plus workaholic parents Military, ex-military parents Not a lot of hugging Not a lot of loving And then my dad is so fucked up Like your dad was gone But my dad was I was raised by my dad I have a dad You had like a non-biological dad Yeah, but he adopted me Like when I was seven Oh, that's nice He's a lawyer So he wanted I want to legally adopt

Wow. I want to take you to a courtroom. I want it to be legal. I want you to be my son. Great guy. I love him. And the brother too, I assume. No, that's his biological son. Oh, so this is a happy. He had two kids. My siblings are step-siblings. Ah, sad. I'm learning all this on a pod. I know. Well, the problem with you is we've talked for like eight hours at a time. So I've definitely told you this shit before, but we're usually drinking. Yeah. Wow.

Well, now it's good it's on tape. I can review the tape. This is going to be episode 64. Wait, so you have a half-brother? I think I did know that. You definitely knew that. I've told you this shit a million times, but we've spent so much time talking that a lot of shit just gets pushed out. Oh, yeah. And we're writing jokes. We're on the road. We're meeting weird people. Yeah, there's a lot to hold on to. But was there ever friction, like, you're not my real brother kind of shit?

Yeah, there was friction. Oh, really? Not really as much with us as there was, I think, my mom. There was a little more friction because they already had a mom who wasn't. So it's understandable. It's weird for me. My mom in the house represents stability, and that's the only person I'd ever known. Sure. And then for them, it's a new figure who's a threatening figure, I think. Authority. It took a while. They were not warm to her for a long time. So that was, I think, tough.

I think blended families, it's so common now, but the nuclear family is kind of a thing of the past. It's sad but true, yeah. Like my gal is pushing marriage, and I'm like, I don't know, Mulaney, Bezos, Gates. I mean, the writing's on the wall, sister, and they're like successful people.

In six years, you're dating Olivia Munn. You're like, I told you. You did this to me. Well, at least it's a happy ending. But yeah, boy, John's got some big shoes to fill. Aaron Rodgers, Chris Pine, the other guy. Chris Pine is one hot man. That is like, I'm straight, but I see that dude and I'm like, fuck. I mean, hell or high water, he's almost too hot that it takes you out of it. You're so right. I had the same thought. He plays this poor bank robber. Yeah. And his hair is incredible. I know.

Oh, beautiful hair, the sweat on the forehead. He's got the shine from the sun. He's tan. He is a gorgeous man. Yeah, he is a gorgeous man. He's also a great actor. Great actor. Dude, Hell of High Water is one of the best movies of the last 20 years. Dude, so good. I mean, it was a little...

archetype-y, you know, the crazy brother, the brother with the heart of gold. It was a little bit of that, but it still worked. It worked, and Bridges is incredible, and the dialogue's great, and the bank robbery scenes were actually legit scary. Yeah, yeah, and then Jeff Bridges is the fun chief, like police chief over the top. Incredible. Incredible. Great movie. I love Jeff Bridges so much.

That was up for Best Picture, I believe. I think so. And Ben Foster is the crazy brother, right? Oh, he is so good. That dude's just totally the artsy actor. I know.

I know. He's so good in everything. He's my favorite kind of actor where you don't really see him on the red carpet. He's not trying to do all the bullshit Hollywood hubbub glitz and glamour. He's like, I just want to be a good actor and do great roles and do good work. He's so good, though. You're right. I saw that with Ryan Hamilton in the theater. He's like my New York movie buddy because we always end up living nearby. Oh, yeah. And we kept turning to each other like, wow. I love seeing a movie with a friend. We just keep turning to each other like, wow.

Yeah. I used to just stay up late when I was younger and watch movies. And, you know, you get a couple of duds every now and then. But every now and then you come across a movie like that at like, you know, one in the morning. You're like, should I watch it? I'll be up till three. Fuck it. Let's do it. You have a Rice Krispie treat, a fucking beer in your hand. And you're like, what?

Damn. And when it's a great movie, it is just you alone in your quiet living room, just deep entrenched in this plot and story. It's a beautiful thing. The Rice Krispie Treat. Wow, you just nailed it. The best childhood snack. Oh.

They got a little greedy with the chocolate Rice Krispie Treat. It's like, we didn't need it. We're good. This is pulling its own weight. You know how good the Rice Krispie Treat is? They sell it at Starbucks, which is like this kind of cutesy, artsy coffee shop. They have jazz playing and everything and blonde roast.

Still got a Rice Krispie treat in there by the register. But they put it in the clear wrapper to be like, look at this. This is a fancy Rice Krispie treat. I'm fine with the blue wrapper. Yes. Yeah, I'm fine with that too. And a cheap one is good and an expensive one is good. Sometimes they're like this big and it's a perfect square, you know, like at the diners or whatever. Man, that is an underrated treat. It's weird that it's got a sluttier attire in the fancier place.

Oh, the clear wrapper. Yeah. It's like a see-through dress. Yeah. Interesting. Interesting. But it is a damn good. I mean, yeah, as a kid, that was probably my favorite. Same. I don't know if it got better than a Rice Krispie treat. And you could make it and you're with your mom and you're stirring the shit and you eat some of the raw part, you know, before it goes in and you got to wait for it, the anticipation. That was good stuff. So good. Yeah. Were there any other like, what's your movie go-to treats?

I'm a Reese's guy. I'm all the way Reese's Pieces, Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, the Mini Cup. But I also like a Milk Dud.

Milk duds are good. I love the box. I love how it's that cardboard box. You can shake it. How many I got left? You pour it in. I like a box. How about the people when they dump the treat in the popcorn? I don't know about that. That's like the autoerotic asphyxiation of childhood movie going snacks. It's too much. It's too much. The popcorn's good. The candy's good. You don't need to combine them. You know? Yeah, it's intense. It's okay, but yeah, it's a little... Popcorn's good, but I never have... Movie popcorn's the best.

buttery movie popcorn, but you never feel good after. Never, never. Well, you're just like shoveling it in, you know, it's so unnecessary and it's so buttery. And it's so good. And it's so good. And then you're like wiping that seat down with your hands, you know, we've all done it.

The movie theater, I mean, I know it's a relic of the past. There's some 22-year-old going, huh? I go to the Arclight. I get a beer. I get a steak. And I'm like, they're reclining and shit. They got a candle. That ain't what it is. It's all about throwing the shit on the ground. Rusty seats. They crinkle. And they got holes in them. That was what it was all about. I do kind of like the reclining seats. I kind of like it, too. But we went through the hardship. We earned it.

These guys got it right away. I used to have a joke about how I saw the movie 12 Years a Slave in one of those reclining seat moves where the waiter would come in. It's like the time you really feel bad. He's like, can I get you anything? I'm like, you've done plenty. One of my greatest memories, I saw The Departed twice at Alamo Draft House. I was living in San Antonio for a year. It was a wild move. Whoa. I never knew you lived in San Antonio. I was shooting a...

was failing out of college, basically. And my dad's like, I know a guy in the movie business. You can be like a PA or a gopher on this movie set. It was like a B movie called From Mexico with Love. Look it up if you want. Give it a goog. And it never went anywhere. Anyone in it that you know? One of the guys from Scarface is in it. And one of the guys from Animal House. That guy, McGill. Brian McGill. This guy was like the next big thing. This hot Mexican guy. He never went anywhere. But...

Kuno Becker, I think that was his name. But yeah, I was just a gopher, like get the coffee, get this. And it was a fantastic learning experience and like a wild time. We'd go to strip clubs and it was Texas. And I had to live on a guy's couch for like a year. And I remember I was banging this PA girl with me and she was like this hot Mexican chick named Sophia. And it was just a wild time. But I forgot my point.

How did we get to this? Movies? Oh, yeah. I would go watch. I was so obsessed. I went to film school, and I was so obsessed with movies. So my dad was trying to get me on some kind of track. Like, you're a loser. You're a bum. You're failing out of college. You barely made it out of high school. Go be on these movie sets. And I was like, I'll take it. Okay. And it was an adventure, but I would go watch movies when we had time off at the Alamo Draft House. And it was like a beer, and you could have enchiladas while watching Departed.

It was the highlight of my life. It is good. I mean, I'm still like a classic like candy with the movie guy, but like I like the movie theaters where they're like, like there's one fucking closed down Upper West Side classic movie theater, 60 something street Broadway. They would always have like the foreign films, the Woody Allen films, the indie films. Yeah.

And they serve cashews. That's how you know you're getting a good movie, when they've got cashews at the snack bar. Was that the Sunshine or the Angelica? No, no, those are both downtown. Oh, those are uptown. This is in the 60s, yeah. Sunshine and Angelica. Angelica's great, but the problem with that is it's right by the 6 train, so every once in a while you'll be in a pivotal scene in a movie and you just hear a train go by. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

I mean, that really fucked with the suspense there. That was rough. That's hilarious. You hope you're watching Pelham 1-2-3. It kind of can match up maybe. But yeah, that is tough. Damn. You know what I love in New York? And this is off topic. I mean, that movie stuff was magical. But you know what I'm seeing a lot? I live in the West Village and 6th Avenue goes right by my house. It's like a big thoroughfare or boulevard, whatever you want to call it. And I'm seeing a lot of kids. I'm talking 15, 16, 20.

bikes, mini bikes, scooters, mopeds, and they're like doing wheelies. And there's like 20 of them, 30 of them. Yeah. Going down Sixth Avenue, cutting in between cars, popping wheelies. And everybody's like, oh, you know, these old ladies are holding their purse and it's like street kids, you know, and it's like diverse and black and white and Hispanic and Asian. And they're all like kind of dirty and fucked up. I love that shit. Yeah. They're like the new warriors. They're like the warriors. It is pretty cool. And they all go, chee, chee,

which I don't know what that means, but I watch them and everybody hates them because they're like ruining the village, I guess. But like, I like it because they're not on the internet. They're not, you know, talking about cancel culture or retweeting or TikToking. These kids are out there shirtless doing wheelies with a chain wallet and torn pants. I love it. They're living life and they're actually going to get stories. Yes. Yes. You don't get any stories. What did you do in your twenties? Uh, Peaky blinders. Ha ha ha.

No, these guys actually have, they're going to have stories. And that's kind of cool. They'll rob us at one point, I'm sure. They'll put a knife to our neck. But I like that there's still some- While I'm watching Peaky Blinders on my phone. Fuck, take it here. Full circle, yeah. But, I mean, I just like this. I'm sure these kids are delinquents and hooligans. But, like, they got some life in them. And it feels like-

The youth is so watered down and like, hey, don't fat shame or whatever, which I get. Like, I don't want you to be mean, but these kids are like living, you know, and they're probably going back and fingering a girl and drinking a 40. And I don't know. It just seems it's a relief to see some kids. They're going to kidnap one of the new Hearst girls. But other than that, no, you're right. There is there at least have a...

There's like an energy and an originality. Yes. There's adventurism in there. I don't know if that's a word. I don't know either. Advent... They have some... Adventurousness? Is that a word? I don't know. Maybe that's a good Scrabble word if it is a word. That's got a lot of vowels. But yeah. No, you're right. They...

They're living their own way and I respect people that are like doing anything kind of different against the grain Yeah, yeah, I remember when I was a kid. I think this wines hit me. You're scared to get some over here You'll see a little more. Yeah. Oh, I'm here Mm-hmm. Anytime I hear when I was a kid something good's coming up. So let's get in here Well, I was a skateboarder and you know, my parents are like these intellectual cunts and they're always reading and listen to classical music and

And I heard my dad's friend be like, oh, the scapegoat's got a chain wallet, you know, he's got long hair or whatever. Like, does that worry you? And he was like, no, I'm glad he's out there in the sunshine, like, hanging out with his friends, you know,

Fucking around Like he's not doing heroin He's like Jumping off stairs And trying shit They're filming stuff And I Commit the world to me Cut to you Robin Alay Fuck you Give me a verse Yeah right We used to do a thing Called Yahoo's Where you Did you guys do that What is that That's where you go Into like a 7-Eleven Or something And you all grab A case of beer And yell Yahoo And run out I've never done that You never did that That's hilarious Oh man

But that's what life was like back then. It was fucking wild. This Korean guy pulled a gun on my friend Paul, and we all ran out of there, and he was like, he was like this fat kid with pink cheeks, and the Korean guy pulled a gun on him. So we all get back to the meeting point. We all have our cases. It's a great night. We're like, where's Paul? And then we cut to Paul running down the street going,

The Korean guy going, but he couldn't leave the store, so he had to run back. He's chained like Ned Beatty in Deliverance. He gets plowed from behind from the Korean bodega owner. God damn, that's incredible, dude. Oh, that was a Tuesday. It was New Orleans. It was lawless. It was pre-internet, pre-cell phone camera. Good times. Damn, dude, that's great. Yeah. So that's why I see these kids and I go,

There's still some hope for humanity, even though they are, I'm sure, they're criminals. Yeah, you know, just hope they're not going too hard with the drugs. Yeah, you hope. You know, but shit, that's the other thing. Oh, the attack of the screaming beer thieves? What is this, Harry? Oh. This is other people Yahooing. That's hilarious. Oh, all right, great. It's still a thing? All right, good. Yahoo. In 2006.

Oh, 2002. Okay, that was a different time. What did you guys do? I mean, you were in the big city. Did you guys... We'd do Dine and Ditch and shit like that, but it was nothing like... Yahoo sounds way fun. We were bad kids in the way where we would start shit and like... It's dumb. It's too dumb. Of course, it's all dumb. We were idiots. I mean, I remember we were into pro wrestling, so we'd go and we'd just grab an energy drink and pop it and chug it. But then...

We'd then throw it all over ourselves and do like the DX. Yeah. And we'd all laugh. You piece of shit. Yeah. That's when, you know, whenever you hear a girl, she's like, boys my age are so immature. You're like, yeah, they are. Well, I was in a boy's school, so we were way worse. I mean, we were 10 times worse. I mean, it was like the farts. Totally. When farts are celebrated.

Yes. That's the problem. Like, you know, you're in a co-ed class. You're kind of like, I'll hold it in. You're in an all-boys class. You're like, smell it. I remember, this is what's so great about Michelle Wolfe, besides the fact that she can drink like an old sailor. She's got to be a future guest on this. We got to get her on, and she's going to get that Pennsylvania accent drunk. I love when that comes out. Hershey's? Oh, my God. Hershey's.

She definitely, that episode will be called We're Definitely Drunk. Yes, yes, she'll come in drunk. But one time back in like early open mic days and she was super new, we both were at a show in Red Hook. Like you're just so desperate for stage time. You're like, I'll go to that, I'll do that, I'll take a bus, whatever it takes. We're both at a show in Red Hook. You know, there's three people there. It's in the middle of nowhere. It's some shitty bar. It's an ambush show. And I'm sitting in the back with her and we're watching the show and I just go,

And I farted, like, huge, huge, just... You know, and the guy on stage was like, what was that? And she was like... And, you know, she's, like, such a cool gal. And she was, like, on her fucking hands and knees laughing at this fart. And I was like, man, this is great. That's fucking gold. You don't normally see a lady, you know, dying at a fart, but that's Wolf for you. I picture her laughing. It's making me laugh. I mean, that is cool to have friends like that where you can fart. Like, I remember...

We were across the street from this hotel in high school, and there would be people sometimes like... It's a hotel, so sometimes you'd be changing with the windows open. Oh, yeah. So we'd be in math class, and I'd stand up and be like...

And everyone would cheer, and they'd be like, get out, get out, Sam. But I just alerted everyone, titties. So I was like, I got applause when I walked out, you know? You're like the guy in the war who has the drums. You're like, I got to start this thing. That's a good man. As I'm dying, I'm like, say it one more time, Sam. You're like, titties. Like, damn it. He was the comic relief. Wow, so crazy to see a hotel from your...

from your school. It was weird. There's a lot of good stores in there. I mean, there's a... What street was that? 62nd between Park and Madison, Browning. Yeah, it was so weird, dude. You know... I bet you got some good alumni from that place. Howard Dean. He's our most famous one. Okay, that's a good one. That counts. Yeah, he had a good run. That was back when you got canceled for going, whee!

That's all that guy did and he got fucking canceled. Oh, yeah. There was a Chappelle show sketch about it. Really? All he did was do an awkward celebration like, woo, when he ran for president. Yeah. And they were like, this guy's weird. Fuck him. Whoa. It wasn't buttoned up enough. Now it's like Matt Gaetz. Now it's like real shit. Yeah, yeah. I'm flying in 12-year-olds. Oh, we got to speak. Is that him? No, that's John D. Rockefeller.

Wow. Oh, okay. So he's better than us. That's an old school. Yeah, it's old school. Hey, old school.

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I love it. I love it. Your dick and balls have been scraping up against each other for thousands of years, generations. Finally, they got some space. They got a two-bedroom. I'll tell you, man. I was on the road for like six days. I ended up adding a show, so I didn't have enough underwear. So I had to go buy. I had to find underwear on the road. I ended up finding a gap. I put it on in my hotel room. It's got no flap for your dick. Oh.

This is the new craze. Really? Designers are like, yeah, it's like 25% of underwear with new designs are no flap. We're supposed to piss over the roof rather than go through the fence. What the fuck's wrong with you animals? That's crazy. Come on. What?

What are we, savages? These are good. I wear these underwear. That's great underwear. Great. That's all. I've got, I've gone full sheath. I used to be like a, you know, other Hanes or whatever. I'm out. It's all sheath. That's all I wear. They look good. They feel good. They're supportive. The lady likes them. They're kind of sexy and, and they, they hold everything up. I'm a big fan. It's from a U S army soldier named Robert Patton. Uh,

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Get sheath underwear and let them support your balls. Yeah, you got that right. Good stuff. I like it. Now you got a peeve or what? I got a few. Please. I always have a few. First off, I'm in this great hotel in Spokane. Amazing hotel. So it taken work for me to find complaints, but I found one.

20 little pillows. Not one good pillow. 20 little pillows. So with you. The fuck is this shit? Who designed this? A fucking 14 year old girl? Yeah, that's what it is because you got to knock 19 of them off just to go to bed. But now you wake up and you're like, oh shit, you're stepping on pillows all day and they take over the whole floor space. Not only that, you got to put three of them together to get a decent pillow. That's so true. And it's not, it doesn't work. I hate the little pillows. Give me one good pillow. Two good pillows.

Two. I'm a human being. I mean, it's sad when you're like, maybe I'll get a MyPillow. That's not a good point in life, you know? So, yeah. What's with the million pillows? And there's always that one long one, you know, that goes on top. I don't mind the long one because sometimes I sit up and I'll watch. I watch basketball before bed a lot on the road and I'll sit up on that and I'll watch it. So, I'm okay with it.

A little lower lumbar. A little lumbar support. I'm okay with that, but I need a good pillow, and a lot of these hotels are skimping, man. Yeah, your head goes, and it just hits the bed. It's just like flat. They spend so much money on these rooms. Get a fucking decent pillow. That's so true. Good point. Good point. I mean, we're in hotels every week, and I just was in a hotel, and the pillow was amazing. I can't remember where I was, and I remembered it. I was like, wow, the pillow is always shitty, and here it's great. I think it was actually Tacoma.

They usually put... Those guys put you in good hotels, though. Yeah, oh, yeah. It's always like a swanky boutique hotel. Definitely. Makes a big difference, man. Hotel, it's like I'm starting to value quality of life. I really used to stay in some shitholes, and I did not realize it. Same, same. Yeah, you're just like, oh, this is what it is. This is how you live. And then you're in a nice hotel, and you're like, man, this is making me not as depressed to be on the road. I agree, but I will push back, and I don't love...

Too nice Like these Super five star With the You know The mint on the pillow And the potpourri And all that Cause I'm like What it's $18.99 for wifi Oh fuck Cause they got in late They got in late On the wifi They got some bad deal Or something right So they started Charging people

It's insane. Yeah, and they figure, well, you're already at the four seasons. You can afford $18.99 a day, so why the hell not? It's a dick move. Also, on flights, you're flying from New York to LA, 30 minutes of Wi-Fi, $11.99. That's crazy. Eat shit. Eat shit. My move is I always say, it's not working very well. I got a free session. Is that right? Always pull that on customer support.

It never does work well. That's true. It doesn't. And I just spent $11. Yeah, and it takes forever to load. And you're like, all right, let me try google.com. Oh, no, because you're waiting for it to click over. And it never works for me. It's always a nightmare. Drives me a huge peeve of mine.

Nick DiPaolo is a great joke. I checked in a hotel. There was a shit in the toilet. I said, you know, most hotels leave a mint on my pillow. Classic road bit. I think the mint is over, by the way. I haven't seen a mint on a pillow in 10 years. It's been a while. Yeah. Wonder what that's about. What? You got a peeve?

I got a peeve, and I hope we haven't talked about this before, but I've been tweeting and whatnot, you know, trying to work jokes out on Twitter. And if my joke is anywhere near kind of third-raily, dicey territory, I get the lady going, hey, look, I'm a fan. I think you're funny, but this joke, do better. I'm done.

I'm done with do better. I hate do better. You do better. You're reading my tweets and you got to comment on me. You do better. Do better should be for like fucking ex-cons. Yes. Yes.

Yeah, rehab or something. Do better. It's so cunty and vague and dismissive. You'd only say that to a comedian. You would never say that at a restaurant. Hey, do better. Right. You would never say that. It's the lack of respect. And it really, you know. Condescending. Completely condescending. Do better. Like,

I don't know. Or this is another one I hate is when they go, you're better than this. Am I? Maybe I'm not. Let me not be better than this. I remember I got in trouble for a joke years ago in a comic that we both know kind of took a little shot at me. And he goes, yes, comedian. Yes, fellow comedian, which already is so smug. Your joke was clever, but don't you want to be a little bit better than that? Oh.

Oh, come on. And I was like, how about your act? None of it's clever. Right, right, exactly. It's that weird compliment to... It's like that misdirect compliment to insult. Like, I'm a fan, you're good, but don't you want to be a little better than that? I know what you're capable of. What do you think about the impact of your comedy? Think about who you're hurting. Would you ever say that to Tarantino, you fucking fake fuck? And the impact is a laugh. That's the impact I'm trying to get. I'm not trying to save the world here. And also...

I think we do put a lot of thought into our jokes. Of course. And also... Maybe more than them. When you walk a line with jokes, I do think you're going to get... You're going to fucking... You're going to get burned every once in a while. Sure, sure. That's how it works, man. I just was at Gotham and fuck. I had jokes that were... I'll put it this way. They were hitting all week in Seattle. Yeah. And they were a little too fucking... This crowd was a little too woke for it at Gotham. So that's all right. Yeah, yeah. You know, it sucks because it's like that Bill Burr thing. Like...

You don't know what I meant by that, you know, but you're assuming I meant a certain thing and you're putting that in my my act. I didn't mean that. I didn't like it, though. I did it like 14 minutes into my set where I was I was killing and I kind of just went I went off a cliff at the end. I think people are kind of conditioned, especially on the coasts, that they're like, oh, that's a radioactive territory. I'm just hanging back. Even if it's great writing, even if it's a great point, even if you're not wrong.

That's that's dicey waters. And I'm just going to be safe. I'm going to hang back. And you do. They would laugh at that if it was just you and them in their living room. But I think in public, people now are kind of going, I'm just going to play it safe here.

Yeah, it's almost like I don't want to be on record. Yeah, whereas in Seattle, they're like, ah, there's no record. We're out. We're having fun. Seattle's a woke town, though, man. I know, but I think it's... But they were also there for me. They're there for you. And I think there's a little more pressure here and in L.A. and places like that. Man, L.A. is some bullshit.

Oh, yeah. New York can get annoying with that shit, but L.A. is on another level. Yeah, it's so phony. I was thinking about what you said, and I feel like you need to think about the impact of what you were saying and think about maybe a more clever way to say it. Yeah, you have a platform up there, and you should be using it for better, for good, instead of your pedophilia content. Yeah.

All right. Do you know how many kids are molested every year? Do you? No. I just talk like this and people assume I'm smart. Right. So maybe you should stop pushing back and just listen. And then ironically, the only way to get them is to go, well, I was molested. And they go, oh, my God, you were? You're like, yeah, how about that? Let me deal with my pain. I don't know. Maybe I might have blocked it out. But that's what I tell them just so they leave me alone. Yeah.

It's weird. That's the best response ever. You have a lesson? Yeah, who knows? Who knows? I am a survivor. Somebody told me I'm a survivor because I lost my virginity to a 55-year-old when I was 16. So in a way, I am a pedophile survivor. You're not a survivor. You're a hero. I'm a hero, yeah. But somebody had to tell me that. They're like, you know, you're like a survivor of sexual assault or whatever. I'm like, oh, I didn't even think about it that way. Somebody made it out of the Holocaust and you fucking someone...

I know, I know. I don't know about that. I never even thought about it. That never crossed my mind. I was like, I fucked an old lady. It was awesome. She didn't charge me. Was it awesome? It was awesome, yeah. I loved every minute of it. I went up there willingly into her hotel room. I met her dumb husband. You're probably not a survivor then. I don't know. But by definition, I'm like...

I don't know. There's got to be a difference between. Of course. I hate to be this dude, but I'm sorry. There's a difference between a 16-year-old guy and a 16-year-old girl. There is. There is. Yeah. I mean, calling a girl fat from the stage and calling a guy fat.

It's a different world. And we can deny it all day, but it's just how it is. And you just go off the reactions. You can tell me I'm wrong. Women are more judged for their body than men are. Of course. Of course. And then you go, that's your girlfriend, buddy? Man, she's out of your league. And it gets a big laugh. But if I was like, that's your boyfriend? Man, he's way hotter than you. The girl's like, jeez, I don't know. It's just different. It's just how it is. I think the fun fat guy is more celebrated than the fun fat girl.

Like if you're the fun fat guy, you get a nickname like the tank or something. Right. Like you're kind of like. So, yeah, you got there is a double standard, but there's got to be. But there's some fairness to it, I think. But yeah, but that also proves it's different whether it's for sure. We are bad. It's all different. Yeah, for sure. That's why it's annoying. We're all the same. It's like, I don't know. I mean, you know, it isn't because there's a hashtag men suck.

But if we're all the same, shouldn't it be people suck? It's funny. We know there's a lot of stuff with Caitlyn Jenner because she's running for governor and following the footsteps of Arnold, former figures of masculinity who now have tits. And no, but she...

She had the thing where she said, I don't think trans people should get to compete in sports. Which is interesting, coming from a trans person, it changes the game a little. Well, you got to also think it worked out perfectly for her. Of course. Because she gets to be the Olympic hero as the man. Yeah, yeah. Then she's got to be the man for another 40 years or so. Yeah. And you know what also is interesting about Caitlyn Jenner, and now we're going through a whole trans rabbit hole here, but-

She's dating a 25-year-old trans person. Oh, really? I didn't know that. And you're like, that's pretty... That feels kind of man-ish. You're dating the young chick? I don't know. I mean, that feels like a guy move. Just saying. Pulling a Sinatra here. Yeah. I mean, you're pulling a Sinatra, a Led Zeppelin, a Woody Allen, a... What's that guy? Great Balls of Fire guy. You know, what's his name? She's a fascinating person. It's like, geez.

Chuck Berry. She is a fascinating person, though. Oh, of course. By the way, every musician has fucked a 14-year-old. Of course. Who your grandparents listen to. They're like, I like this. So when you're on this cancel thing, it's like, all right, I want to see your playlist, though.

Ah, good point. R. Kelly. Yeah. Michael Jackson. I'm not at all condoning it, but I'm saying have some consistency with the people that you quote unquote hate. Of course, of course. Marvin Gaye. Oh, is that right? Yeah. I didn't know that one. Oh, yeah. A lot of people. Yeah. Interesting. Elvis Presley. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How about- We all hate Woody Allen, but a lot of these guys- But we all secretly still like his movies. Wow, he's a talented man. It's hard to watch it now, though. But it's like, man-

I still think some of his movies are some of the best movies ever made. Of course, of course. That was a tough blow. Yeah, yeah. But then some kids say he did, and then some of his kids say he didn't, so then you're like, who do we believe? We want to believe he didn't for so many reasons. Yeah. But it's hard to believe. I couldn't watch the documentary. I couldn't watch it either. Because I think he did it. Really? Yeah.

I don't know enough, but I don't want to know enough. I just move on. I couldn't watch the Michael Jackson one either. Yeah, that was tough. I just think it's so weird that we're like, you made that pedophile joke, you piece of shit. Ooh, Michael Jackson doc, get the popcorn. Right. You know, it's like, I thought you hated this stuff. But it's theater. It's theater. It's, they're watching it like, there is a sickness to like watching this true crime. Oh.

Genre While you're just stuffing goobers down your throat Yeah and the more gruesome The more entertaining And you're like

Okay, then it's like Ted Bundy's cute. I hear that every 10 minutes. Ted Bundy's so hot. He's not even that good looking. I never thought he was either. I mean, it was pretty badass that he's like his own lawyer and all that shit. Then he breaks out of prison when no one thought he could. So like he's definitely... It's badass. It's also not a smart at all move. I mean, he's kind of a dipshit, you know? Well, I mean, he's just so confident, like self-assured. Like I can do this. I can...

you know, defend myself at a court of law and kind of, I guess it's not exactly my cousin Vinny, you know, great movie. Love that movie. Marissa Tomei. Oh,

That's one of the best comedies. Joe Pesci fucking rules. Rules. This pod will always go back to movies at some point. Yeah, that's true. Because we both love movies. That's definitely the basis. That was a big part of our friendship early on, probably. I think he's from Jersey. Bondi? No, Pesci. I'm always obsessed with where people are from. He's Jersey. Yeah, well, he produced Jersey Boys. Is that right? Yeah. Oh, wow. You know he hates...

He wanted to be a singer growing up. He was in a comedy troupe with Frank Vincent. Really? Yeah. Oh, wow. From Newark. Look that up. Harry, I think he was in a comedy troupe with Frank Vincent from The Sopranos, I believe. And I know he was in a boy band back in the day. So funny. He's the heartthrob. Yeah, I know. He's like 5'1". There was a great family guy thing with Joe Pesci. They're like, this is what a tough guy used to look like. Yeah.

It's also a testament to his acting because the guy who plays in Goodfellas was like 6'5". He was just like this bruiser, crazy psycho guy. And then he's 5'3", but they're like, he's so good, let him do it. He's so scary in it. So scary. Just nothing to lose. I'll kill anybody. And fucking hilarious. I saw all his shitty 90s movies too. I saw Gone Fishing. I saw 8 Nights in a Duffel Bag. I saw Jimmy Hollywood. I just loved Pesci. So I was just like... He's great in everything.

Yeah, he's a legend. That scene in Casino with him and De Niro in the desert going back and forth is legendary. They redid it once with Kermit or Bert and Ernie, I think. What? And it went viral. It was pretty great. Dude, the last scene of Casino might be one of the most-

With the tighty-whities. That's one of the worst. Brutal. Brutal. Man, that's a memorable violent scene. Yeah. He's still breathing. He's still breathing. Oh, God. Too much. I saw that too young. And they put that on TV. That was on cable. Yeah, they cut out fuck, but they'll let you show a guy beating to death in his underwear. I know, with a baseball bat. Then they just slide him into a hole in the dirt. I remember on Goodfellas, instead of fuck you on TV, it would always be forget you. Yeah.

Yeah. Greg Johnson, you said that funny bit about in Die Hard 3, he has to go to Harlem with the sandwich board that says, I hate N-words. And then they change it on cable to, I hate everyone. Yeah.

Which is like, doesn't read at all the same way. Like some guy in Harlem would be like, we gotta beat that guy up. He hates everyone. Damn. Yeah. Die Hard 3, man, those movies were fun as hell. Oh, well, Die Hard 1 was a game changer for action movies, you know, because it was like Christmas. It was all Arnold before that, yeah.

Yeah, and it was fun. He was an everyman. He wasn't a giant ripped guy. He was just this New York cop going out to L.A. They made fun of L.A. There's no snow. It was just so layered and so much more fun that this regular guy is lost in a skyscraper.

And then they just. Reginald Vell Johnson from Family Matters. So good in that movie. I love that guy. Dude, I loved Family Matters growing up. I did too. By the way, side note, Reginald Vell Johnson, the most typecast man in history. Cop on Family Matters. Cop in Die Hard. Cop in Turner and Hooch. And cop in Ghostbusters. He's great though. He's great. He's great. I love him.

Yeah, Urkel was like, that was such a perfect show for kids. Oh, yeah. It was so stupid. It was like classic, like, this is what you mock now. Did I do that? Like, this is the cheesiest shit ever. I know. But I loved everyone on that show. I loved Eddie. I loved all of them. Yeah, we watched it all. And here's the crazy part about that show. That show is a spinoff.

Damn.

And then it just went all Urkel. And then they were just basically doing The Nightly Professor when he became Stefan. Yeah, that's right. That's right. Wow, good point. Dude, Perfect Strangers, I love. I love that shit. I'd watch it with my dad. He's like, Balky's on. Get in here. You're missing top-notch comedy gold here. This guy's from Slovakia or whatever the hell he was from. Beverly Hills Cop. Oh.

Oh, man. That guy rules. Lots of pincho. So good. That guy rules. We talk about two guys raised by TV. I'm like talking about the origins of Family Matters. I loved it though, man. Wait, did you give a peeve? Do better. Do better. That was fucking good. Sorry, the booze. You got a wreck? I do. It's a weird one.

Oh, good. I got a weird one, too. So first, I got to shout out Dana Gould, who I love. He told me to read The Watchmen, the graphic novel. Dude, I never read a graphic novel in my life. They're basically, you know, I read comic books when I was a kid. Sure. But this is some adult shit. I love it. Really? And I watched The Watchmen show on TV, and I couldn't get into it. I was the same way. It wasn't for me. Didn't love it. The graphic novel is brilliant, dude. I love it. I'm like halfway through from the flight, back from Seattle.

Really? You're the nerd guy on the flight with the graphic novel now. I was like, fuck it, I'll read it. You know, it's so good. Wow. Now, clue me in, because I always pushed back on the graphic novel. Well, it's got so much depth. Every character, it opens with a murder.

and this guy is murdered and they're kind of like, how was he murdered? He's so big and strong and they kind of don't know how it happened. And you find, kind of figure out who this guy was and he was part of this superhero group back in the day, but he was a bad guy. He tried to rape another superhero. He was a bad human being. He fucking kills someone in a really cold blooded, I don't want to reveal, but a really cold blooded way and you're like, man, this is kind of dark and fascinating. And then these other superheroes are all these tortured people, but they're all so three dimensional that,

that it feels so real and the problems are so real. It's war. It's, uh, you know, uh, drama within this group of superheroes. It's, uh,

someone's picking them off and some of them are too smart for their own good. And, and these characters are so complex that it just sucks you right in. And it's by Alan Moore. And I think Dave, was it Gibbons who did it? The animation. So Alan Moore sold it. He didn't want nothing to do with the shows. He, I think he got a shit deal from DC and was like, fuck you. I want nothing to do with it. Oh, it's DC. Yeah. So they, I think got the rights. I could be wrong. They got the rights, I believe. And then, uh,

It got made into a movie. He made a lot of other stuff. He did V for Vendetta. Oh, wow. That's great. He did From Hell. He's done a lot of stuff that got adapted, but he wants nothing to do with any of it. Yeah. Because I think, yeah, he's just like, they ruined my shit. I won't even watch it. Interesting. And he got a bad deal. Wow. So I don't know what the financial situation is, but this dude's clearly a genius. Yeah, definitely.

Definitely. He's got all that in his head. That's amazing. So I was like, wow, this is pretty damn good. I've never read a graphic novel. So Dana was like, you got to check it out. You think you won't like it, but you're going to love it. And you did. We worked on a superhero show idea together. And he was like, just read this. It's great. It'll be a good...

for you. I love it. I'm always impressed with anyone who gets a rec and goes with it. Most people go, yeah, whatever. I go with his recs all the time because he has great taste. Sure. His taste is so good. Yeah, yeah. I know what you... You got to trust the guy to go with the rec, but...

Wow. Because I know friends who love it, and I always push back on watching them. Like, it's got a cape. I can't get into that. Oh, it's incredible, though. Really? I mean, dude, the dialogue is noir-esque. It's very kind of noir. I love it. And it's just a book with a lot of pictures, basically. Pictures, but great lines. Oh, interesting. All right. All right. It's a lot of dialogue. There'll be pages with no pictures. There'll be a few pages in a row with no pictures sometimes. It'll just be writing. Oh, okay. I didn't know that. I thought it was just all...

Because they're very glossy and kind of nice. Yeah. So I always thought it was just basically a picture book. I'm new to it, so I'm a noob in this area. But man, I loved it. I'm not done with it yet, but I'm loving it. So I'm going to stick with it for sure. All right. That's a great rec. I would have never thunk. I would have never thunk either. But man, it's really...

I'm trying to be... That's another thing. I want to be a little open here. Yeah, good, good. That's good. Love open. No one's open anymore. I love that. Everybody's got their niche. They got their... We're all so splintered. You know, we all have... This is the podcast I like, the show I like. It's good to open up. Not only that, but maybe, like, you know, if I can't ever sell this show, because I love this show so much, like, I will make it as a graphic novel. Ah, so you got to know about it. I got to know it, yeah. That makes sense. Because sometimes it's so hard to make a show, you got to, like...

You've got to just own the IP to make the show. Right, right. There's so much corporate strangulation with shows now. Oh, yeah. Marvel owns every, Marvel's everything. Yeah. Yeah, they really are. They're taking over. And then Disney owns Marvel. Yeah. So then Disney's taking over. Like Disney Plus apparently is like the most watched and then Netflix. Really? Yeah. Or kids. Kids. And then parents just leave it on. Like, hey, you watch this. Get out of my hair. And Disney Plus is The Simpsons.

They got the Simpsons. They got all the Disney and all the Marvel. So they're fucking killing it. What's your rack? Well, I got a weird one as well. Not as weird as that, but we're on the road a lot. I'm always staring at my phone. I'm always on Instagram trying to find a clip, whatever it is. The best follow for me on Instagram is SportsCenter.

I'm not a big... I'm not a huge sports guy. I don't really keep up with it. I like MMA and some other stuff, but this is the most uplifting follow. Everything is like doom and gloom or we're in Hawaii. We're in Tulum. We got married. We had a kid. And you're like, all right, all right. This is like...

like trying to lift a weight and the other guys behind him or like basketball shit where the guy makes it from the half court, all his friends go nuts. It's always this weird, uplifting, kind of crazy, uh,

you know, like once in a lifetime shot that he made or a hole in one or, and look, I don't care about badminton or volleyball, but the way you just see the team come together and they score the winning goal, they all hug and all it's, it's a beautiful thing. And it's always, obviously if they're putting it on, it's some kind of spectacular event happened where like a guy broke a record or whatever it is, but it's so uplifting and positive that,

Huge wreck. I mean, I got more for you if you like that because I'm all about that, dude. Yeah. House of Highlights. That's a good follow. Oh, House of Highlights. House of Highlights. Bleacher Report's a good follow. One of my favorites, Timeless Sports. Timeless. So it's like kind of throwback stuff. I mean, I'm sure, Harry, you follow that, right? Yeah.

I like that. I mean, it's great. I mean, I love, I sent Phil Hanley clips all the time because he loves basketball clips. So I sent Phil, I sent him like the best of Allen Iverson last night and I was just wrote like pure heart and he wrote back like that best way to describe it. Like it's a little guy just hitting step back shots on people with 5'11", smallest MVP ever. I mean,

I love it, man. I love the... Yeah, you're talking about the Marine lifting the thing the other day? Yeah, yeah. I love that moment where his other Marines are cheering him on. Right. He deadlifts 630 or some shit. Yes. Yeah. And look, you could all be like, oh, look at these meatheads or whatever. No, I loved it. We could do that all day. It's camaraderie, man. I was all about it. Exactly. I think it's so cool. And I love...

I love great. I mean, I just love basketball. So I love watching just amazing passes or shots. Yeah. Yeah. And there's comedy too, like the Shaq stuff where he's talking to Nick Jonas, like, Hey Nick, you know, and all that, that that's fun too. Shaq's a great follow. Shaq's great. Yeah. I love, I mean, I love, you can't not love Shaq. Yeah. Yeah. Dad was a cop.

And he's got a... I think he's got a badge. Oh, really? I think he's got like an honorary badge. He wanted to be a cop. How funny would it be if there was like a drug bust and Shaq just kicks the door in, you know? Yeah, yeah. They'd be like, damn, Shaq. And then he would cuff him. He's fucking... That's a good... See...

There could eventually be a buddy cop movie with Shaq. Oh, yeah, no doubt about it. His acting might not be great. He's basically Hightower from Police Academy. I don't know how well the folks at home know Police Academy. Oh, I remember. But yeah, yeah, no, it's just so fun and everything is like...

so angry now and complaining that it's fun to see just good stuff. And that's what's great. It's like this weird. Excellence too. It's not just good stuff. It is like hard work. Yes. It is cool. That's a great way to put it. Yeah. Cause it's all like, I, you know, we don't have enough women on this show. We don't even know that. And you're like, all right. Everybody's like kind of trying to find this way in or complain about that. And these guys are like, I'll make it work. This woman is a volleyball star or a weightlifter or whatever. It's like,

I got to do the work and win this trophy or beat my opponent. And I, and I think it's, it's nice to see. And, uh, yeah, great follow it. I know, I know I'm a hack. I'm like, it's got 8 million views on each. No, no, no. I think sports follows in general. Yeah. It's a good follow. I'm with you, man. It's a metaphor for life. Like go for it. Try, fail, get back up, do it again. And, uh,

I think we need some of that now, you know? We just blame everybody else all the time, and it's good to see people just, like, going for it. Yeah, I love that stuff, man. It's...

I need that boost. Me too. And we all look at social media too much. So you should be able to follow, follow accounts that don't drag you down. Yes, exactly. I mean, we're posting jokes all the time for a reason. Yeah. Yeah. Here, here. I'm trying to not be an account. That's like, I had a bad day today and I want you guys to hear about it. I know. I know. Or like, here's me and my boyfriend on the beach. And, uh,

You know, Virgin Islands and everybody's, you know, most people see that and go, ah, fuck. I'm like, cool. I've never taken a vacation. Yeah. So that, even though that is positive, that bums you out in a weird way because you compare. We all compare. Fear of missing out, right? Fear of missing out. FOMO. We are missing out because we do so much stand up. Like, it's funny. You know, I see Adrian Iapolucci at the...

So funny. She's one of the best comics. I mean, if you don't follow her on everything, so many of my favorite jokes, she has so much good news. Maybe my favorite joke where she goes, you know, my boyfriend threatened to kill himself, and I thought, great, now I can't kill myself or people are going to think we were in love. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

She's incredible. Every joke, you're just like, fuck. She's got such a consistent point of view. I love her. And she's a good friend. Not for everybody, but she's great. Yeah, but you know what? Good. Good! You know what's for everybody? Fucking trash. Yeah, McDonald's is for everybody. So check out Adrienne. Killer. Great writer. Great take. Great angles. But she mentioned you tonight. She was like, oh, I just saw Marg or whatever. And she goes, that guy, he just doesn't stop.

Oh wow She's like I feel like he can't stay still She's like I feel like you have the same problem But she's like but Mark might be worse Well that's why we get along We got the same god damn disease Of just like gotta keep going We're sharks we gotta keep going We're married to the sea you would say Yes not a bad name for the rye Sharks

Ooh. Interesting. I do like fat cat. I like fat cat. I like it because it's a double meaning because fat cat is also successful, but it's a funny image of fat cat. Yeah, yeah. And ladies like a fat cat. That's true. We get the ladies. Right. And sharks kind of sounds beachy, like we're some kind of Florida. Sharks. Yeah, like some kind of red lobster bullshit. Pigeons. We're pigeons. Pigeons.

We're not sharks. Speaking of that, you got a bit? Speaking of not staying still. I'll run some stuff by you that didn't hit tonight. Because I think it's getting there, but I see it's divisive. So I did a lot of cop bits. That is a room divider. Well, I have a whole bit where I compare cops to teachers. And the one line that kind of got it grown was I say, you know...

I joke, one of the jokes is that being a teacher is hard, but then I say, no, I'm kidding. I think being a cop is much harder than being a teacher. There's no substitute teachers. Yes, yes. And then I kind of pause and I go, well, white women.

Oh, no, no substitute cops. Substitute cops, yeah. I say, well, white women. And that kind of gets a laugh. I can see some people not loving it tonight. And then I say, you know. That just feels like the setup. That's a funny setup, but there's more. It would kill in Seattle. Oh, okay. But then, yeah. And then I say, white women are a lot like

Actually a lot like cops because, you know, they're constantly telling us how brave they are. I'm scared of them. And they're responsible for the incarceration of a lot of innocent black men. That's great. I mean, that feels like a bit to me. Killed in Seattle tonight. It was the most stone cold silence I've ever seen in a fairly packed room. And I was like, well, there you go. And then I had a lot of cop bits. They probably were a lot of white women there.

All right. Well, that's a factor. I think it's funny for white women, too. I think it is, too. I did on the early show of Gotham, all white women killed. Late show got dead silence. You know why? Because they were probably those type of women. You hit home, maybe. Yeah. But that's funny. I mean, I said it to you. I was like, what about Karen's? And then you were like, go white women is better. Oh, I ran this by you. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Karen is...

You know, it's kind of like... I don't like Karen as a punchline. I don't like it either. I don't like any word as a punchline. Yes. It's almost like... It's too buzzy.

It's buzzy, but it's also just like... I don't want a punchline that literally... The least funny people I've ever met are using as a punchline. Yeah, my uncle's Karen. Was she a Karen? Exactly, exactly. Yeah, we gotta go above that as professional comedians. Yeah, no, we gotta find a different angle. Yeah. A more original angle. Yeah, that's great. It's something. I like it, but it fucking got zilch and...

A lot of white women come out of these shows. Oh, yeah. But I still think it's funny that it should work for them, you know? Well, I think we are getting to a place where, like...

white women weren't really a punchline before and now they are and I think a lot of them are kind of like sick of it we have to listen to white men being trash all fucking day why can't I make a joke too I mean Pryor was doing white men are trash in 78 so like yeah yeah get used to it sister this is part of it but also like I hear so many female comics being like white men yeah I'm like cool

That's fine, but I should get to do it too. Exactly, exactly. What the hell is this equality talk I've been hearing? Yeah, let's all do it. Let's share the wealth. So yeah, I think that's gold. I think there's a lot there. White women are even scarier too because they don't need guns. Cops have guns. White women don't have guns and they still get shit done. Like I'm still scared of you. Yeah, there's something about like a white woman will just like...

A cop will kill you, but a white woman will kill you emotionally. Yeah, they'll beat you down. She'll kill you over time. Right, right, yeah. She'll put a little antifreeze in your oatmeal. You'll never snap at a cop. You'll never be like, are you trying to ruin my life? That's hilarious. Yeah, that's so true.

Yeah, we've all been like, man, this cop's a dick, but no one's ever like, this cop is eating away at my soul. Yeah. We've all had that girlfriend. No cop has ever gone, your mom's a cunt. I'm like, fuck you, bitch. I introduced you to my mom and you call her a cunt? She's a saint. What?

You're half the one my mom is. All right, but yeah. And a cop's never told me I had a small dick. How about that? Melissa, you know I'm talking about you. All right. But yeah. And a cop never fucked one of my friends. All right.

All right. Sorry, Melissa. Text me. Cops will plan evidence, but a woman will... Maybe they both look through your shit without a warrant. Oh, that's great. That's great. That's big. They're both looking through your shit. That's great. What's this? Fuck. You can't pull a warrant on a girlfriend, though. At least a cop, you're like, hey, you need a warrant. A girlfriend's like, hey, we're dating. Yeah.

Yeah, then maybe there's something there. The warrant. That's big. The warrant is big. All right. I got something to work on. What do you got? That's funny. All right. This is a big bit and you're not going to like it. So let's see what happens. Why won't I like it? Because it's like... You're like, Jews are terrible. Where are you going? Well, that bit's working. No.

It's so against the grain that maybe it's too against the grain. Oh, so you feel like you're showing off a little with it? No, not that. Just like I can't get some crowds to get on board. Sure. Because it's like so the wrong way. All right. All right. Well, you're wearing a shirt that says Dick Fuel, so I expect nothing less. This is a gift. Some guy sent it to me, so I said, hey, I'll wear it. So I got this whole bit about, you know,

You know, very left-leaning, progressive. All my friends are like, hey, these people hate groups. It's so horrible to just hate a group that you've never met, blah, blah, blah. But then they go, fuck rich people. And I'm like, well, that sounds pretty hateful. And they're like, well, I hate the 1%. And I'm like, so you hate minorities. And that hits. That's a good line. And there's a lot of lines in it, but I can tell the overarching theme. They're like, I don't know. And I'm like...

The whole point is like, all rich people are evil. All these billionaires are evil. I'm like, yeah, well, some are and some are nice. Like, that's how people work. You know, all cops are bad. Well, some are bad and then some are great. Teachers are heroes. So some are heroes and some fuck their students. You know, like you can't say down with hate and then hate an entire group.

You know, and there's because you guys preach compassion, but you're not compassionate about these people because they're doing better than you. So for some reason, you're allowed to openly hate them. And I have this line that hits about like some rich guys. Again, my beach house burned down in Malibu and everybody's like, boo fucking who? You know, and he's like, well, my kids were in there. Oh, that's good. And that kills. But it's still not completely connecting. Like some of the lines are good enough.

to hang in there and hit. But as a whole overarching theme, I can tell they're not on board. It's hard. Yeah, I think I like it. All right. Here's what I like. Bits that are kind of contrarian. I don't think I don't think you're saying it just to poke. I know. I think you're trying to like I'm confused. I think. Yeah, exactly. I think I think it's coming from an honest place. I think.

Because also we're trying to be rich. So like we're all trying to get to this thing. It's like making fun of old people. That's why a lot of people – to me, that's why a lot of people I think don't turn on the rich. Like when a lot of people are like you should be more mad about the wealth inequality, you could be fucking working – you could be like working the fryer at McDonald's and be like I still got a shot. Right. That's what America does. Yeah. It tells you that you can make it and you can get rich. So I think –

That's why a lot of people don't hate the rich. Yes. Especially the poor. The poor look up to it. They're like, wow, man, Bezos is awesome. How cool is that? And then the ironies. I don't know if they think he's awesome after buying that half a billion dollar yacht. Yeah, that was bad. That was kind of a cock move right there. But I think they're like, I'd like to have a yacht. I'd like to get some of that. What do you do on a half a billion dollar yacht, though?

It's like, it's a little much. Of course it's a little much. Yeah. Yeah. That was the understatement of the century. Hey Jeff, a little much. No, I think, yeah, I like the idea that like, hey, you can't hate everybody. It's a classic shit where it's like, fuck all white men. You're like, you have a white brother. Yeah. You have a white father. You hate him. I love him. Well then why all white men? It's the same shit with like, fuck rich people. You're like, do you know any rich people that, I mean, there are philanthropists. I mean, you could hate,

Yes. Even with Bill Gates, you could hate Bill Gates. He's raised... I mean, the Gates Foundation has raised the most insane amount of money... I talk about that a bit. ...for philanthropy. I mean, so there's people that are assholes with their money and there's people that are... I think that's the crux of the bit. You got to bring up...

rich people they love i think that you got to find rich people or something interesting because bill i've done so much research because the bit is so hard to pull off yeah bill gates has given back so much money that he saved six million lives like he fed these people and whatever and i'm like that's a reverse holocaust wow like you think you'd stop hating a guy after he pulled that off because you've done nothing and you hate him sure he's rich and whatever but like

He pulled off a reverse holocaust. And his kids were only getting like 10 million each, which sounds like a lot. But when you're worth like... Dropping the bucket. When you're worth what he's worth, it's kind of a fuck you. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So my point is like, look, I get it. He makes a lot of money. He doesn't need it all, obviously. But it doesn't mean he's a bad guy or a bad woman or whatever it is. Like, you want to be rich. And all my rich friends hate the super rich. And all my poor friends look up to them.

And just because you're poor, that doesn't make you rich. Friends hate the rich. Yeah, the really rich. You know, my millionaire friends hate billionaires. They tweet about like, oh, fuck this guy. But I'm like, well, you're you're also kind of rich. Oh, actually, you're are you are rich. Not kind of. But like, just because you're poor, this is make you good. You know, they're like, well, Bernie Madoff, he don't need all the money. Stole my whatever. I'm like, well, the poor guy stole my wallet.

It's just people suck and people are great. Like people are people. People suck and some people are better at sucking. Yeah, they just figured it out. And you want to figure it out, maybe, but I don't know. I think there's a lot here and there's like a deeper issue, but it's just weird. Why do we hate the super wealthy? Because I think because they, A, they're doing better than us. It's a lot of like Jewish shame. Like Jews were held down and like-

you know, restricted everywhere. And yet they run the, you know, banks, real estate, media, the weather. It's fucking impressive. And I think there's some shame there. You weren't supposed to know about that last one. But there's some shame there. Like, fuck, how did they do all that? I thought they were pieces of shit, you know? And now they're killing it and they're doing better than me. And I thought I was better than them. So fuck them. That's what people think. That's what people think. It's a human nature thing. There is, I think there's an element of...

This is heavy stuff, I'm aware. I agree, I agree. It's an ambitious bit. I think there's an element of arrogance where like, and racism sometimes. I mean, but like think about like in sports when people say shut up and dribble, like how fucked up that is. Ooh, that's fucked up. To athletes, when you're like, LeBron James, you don't have to like him. He's entitled to say whatever the fuck he wants. He is a major figure. Best basketball player on the planet. Exactly. And also, he's a pretty successful businessman. I mean, aside from being great at this, it's so weird when people say, you know,

Shut up and dribble is crazy. It's crazy. Like he can't have a point or a thought or an opinion. There is something about. That's interesting. Shut up and dribble. Once you get really rich. No, it's. I like you're doing the cerebral bit and then you're like, oh, hold on. Sorry. Let me. It's a thinker. I'm aware. And I know there's a lot here and a lot to unpack and all that. But like, I just don't understand the down with hate thing.

But fuck these people because they're doing better than me. They're doing well. So we're allowed to hate it about how you were born. Maybe if you were born really rich, then you can hate them because that's like. But then if they if you became rich. But I think it's either way. They hate it's either they hate either way. And being born rich is not that baby's fault. You know, like and it doesn't mean they're evil. They're just rich. They just have a lot of money. Doesn't make them bad people.

There's also poor people who are bad. Is it the rich people hate or is it millionaires or is it billionaires? Do you think it's both? I think it's a little of both. Like Elon Musk obviously is a gigantically wealthy guy, enormously wealthy, but he hosts SNL and like the go-to thought is like, ah, fuck that guy. Like he could be a sweet guy and he could be nicer than you. Yeah. You know, but you just see him as this...

It's like I'm not saying it's like judging somebody by the color of their skin, but you're judging somebody by what they have or what they've done. It is technically the opposite of slavery. They're the people that had slaves. Yeah, yeah, I guess. But it's like, I don't know. It just feels like for someone saying down with hate, it feels weirdly unnecessarily hateful.

Yeah, it's interesting. Yeah, it's interesting. I'm throwing a big one at you here. No, I know. It's not something I'm going to crack right now. It's like you're angry at them for having more than you. I think that's the bottom line. I think that's, no pun intended, but I think that's the underlying...

issue there you're mad that they have more i mean i think it comes out of that and it's like fuck them well how about but then it's like then there's people that have less than you and they look at you like fuck you and you're like well that we're always gonna be that's interesting we're always gonna be in that place yeah yeah but that's not a good place to be just worry about your shit

Get your shit together and do what you like to do and be with the people you like to be with. It shouldn't be fuck the rich. It should be fuck the rich if they made their money in a fucked up way. There you go. That's completely sane and completely fair. But like the Mustang is so weird. He's like this incredibly environmentally sound guy who's trying to help the environment. We got Tesla and all that. So it's like we hate this guy. He's...

I thought we were trying to help the environment. I think people just hate anyone who made out like a bandit during the pandemic, and he's one of them. Ah, is that what it is? Yeah. I mean, he was already rich, but I think now he's the richest, right? Yeah. Is it because he didn't get married yet? That's how you hold on to the fucking title. Yeah, I guess so.

Bezos and Gates. Maybe Bill Gates just needed to go through, I'm going to fuck everything phase. Maybe that's what he was doing. Yeah. I think you got something with the poor people maybe look at millionaires like, fuck you. And you're like, well, what did I do? Well, that's how they feel. The billionaires feel about you. That's interesting. I think that's something. When you put yourself in those shoes. Yeah. Why are they mad? Are they mad?

Because I think you could go deeper like, oh, it's because they have tax breaks over you. Or is it really just because they have more? I think that's really it. I think that's really it. If we're really getting down to it. Their life is easier. That's what they're mad about. Your apartment's bigger. Your life is easier. You just have an easier go. I think that's what the anger is. But if they earned it.

I don't know. I think it's okay. It's like when the hot girl walks into the party and your girlfriend's like, I don't like her. Like, oh, you don't like her, but she might be a great person. Does it come down to how they earned it? Because look, there's comics that are way more successful than us and we look at their acts and we're like, ugh. That's true. So do we have to respect them for earning it? No, but they just got opportunities and...

Look, it's annoying. I get it. I'm human. I get jealous or whatever, but they're not going to turn it down. Of course not. So I can't blame them. I blame the dumb industry. Blame the game. Blame the game. It's like when an NBA player gets...

I remember Alan Houston for the Knicks got like an insane contract and he was injured the whole contract. Everyone was like, why'd they pay this guy? It's not his fault. They hated him, but it's like, not his fault. Not his fault. The team paid him. What are you going to turn it into, 100 mil? Exactly. And he didn't ask to get injured. It was an accident or whatever. So it happens. So yeah, it's an interesting, it's a thinker. It's a brain twister, but I think that's kind of fun now. We've been doing comedy long enough. Let's take a big scoop out of the pot and see if we can fuck with it.

Yeah. That's a horrible analogy, but you know what I mean. Let's try to... It's like chopped. All right, give me this weird... Give me the shrimp. Give me the parsley and the grape jelly, and let's see if we can make something with it. Parsley, grape jelly. What was the other one? Shrimp.

It's going to be a weird one. Oh, yeah. It's going to be like a sweet shrimp. I'm going to have to throw some hot sauce in there and make it sweet and spicy. There you go. There we go. That's not bad. Do you think you'd be good on Chopped? Maybe. Maybe. Are you a good cook? No. I'm horrible. I'm horrible. You made chili, and I almost blew you. Oh, I remember that. Yeah. I mean, come on. I was blown away by the chili, but...

I think I'd be decent on Chopped if I could get the host high. Isn't that Ron Funch's show? Oh, is it? I think that's Ron's show. I think he gets high and eats it. Oh, that's funny. It's pretty good. I haven't seen it. I should watch it. I like those shows. I do, too. I do, too. I watch Chopped for hours. And Pawn Stars.

I like, I like, it's funny how angry we were when reality TV started. Now I'm just like too tired to care. I know. I will sit there and wait till they do the, uh, the storage thing. I'm like, all right, you got me. We're two minutes in, but I want to know what's in that goddamn unit. There was nothing in there but garbage bags and, uh, like an old mattress. I'm like, God, I wasted 20 minutes of my life on this bullshit.

And that's most of America watching this. We should wrap this up, right? Yeah, Jesus Christ. Where are you going to be coming up? Oh, man, I'm all over the road. This comes out in what, three months? I will be in Hartford, Funny Bone, Spokane, following in your footsteps, Virginia Beach, Funny Bone, Orlando, Florida, Improv, San Antonio, Helium, Portland, Syracuse, Toledo, Houston, Philly,

Buffalo, Dayton, Appleton, Arlington, Texas, Brea in California. Can't wait for that. Funny Bone, Albany, and West Palm Beach. I got Arlington. We're going to add a Wednesday for that. Yes. So I'll see you there Wednesday through Saturday. We got Albany, Funny Bone. Nice. Fourth and fifth. Yeah, we got Atlantic City, the 11th and 12th.

Tampa Sidesplitters the 17th through the 19th of June. We got Raleigh the 25th through the 27th. And we're going to keep on rocking, man. We got Madison Comedy on State coming up. We got OKC. Hell yeah. We got all kinds of fun gigs coming up. I can't wait. Governors in Levittown. And make sure you hit up our Patreon. Patreon.com slash WeMightBeDrunkPod. Also email us.

at we might be drunk pod at gmail.com with your jokes your peeves your wrecks your drinks this went down easy oh my god I wanted three more bottles this is so good well done sir I get why this guy was a legend so good very good yeah send us a patreon tell a friend about the pod get a drink

Watch it with your pals. It's on YouTube. It's on Spotify. It's on iTunes. All the good stuff. Shout out to Gotham Studios for having us. We love doing the show here. They're doing such a great job. Matt, appreciate you. Harry, producing this bad boy here too. We love it. Yes, yes. We appreciate you guys. Keep listening. Tell your friends if you're liking it.

Yeah, come see us live. Watch our specials. We got tons of content out there. And yeah, praise Allah. We'll see you in hell. Good app, right? Oh my God. I know I say that, but that was one of my faves. That felt like, it felt like the most natural conversation we've ever had. What do we do on Patreon? Do we do a quick one now or do we do... I think we do it now just to get it going. I don't...