Ep 22: Manhattans 01:13:36

We might be drunk, we might be drunk, as long as we are hanging out, you know we might be drunk. Raise a glass, let's talk shit, pep heaps, wrecks, and a bit, maybe drunk, we might be drunk, yeah. Man, these pretzels are making me thirsty. Ha ha ha.

Keep it in. Are we rolling? All right, we got that. Let's do it. All right, everybody, here we are. We might be drunk, episode... 22, I think. Ooh, all right, good year. Yes. 22, baby. Skidoo, which is a New York term. Skidoo? 23 skidoo?

I don't know. That's because on 23rd Street, the wind would blow women's skirts up. Is that for real? They called it 23 Skidoo, something like that. I'm off, but give it a go, Matt. This is the year the wind gets me, dude. Here's a clip of what it did to Marilyn Monroe. That's true, yeah. That was not consensual. Hit me. Today we're doing Manhattan's little fireside chat.

Is that what it's called? Fireside Cocktails. Fireside Cocktails. And we're going to have a chat. I like Fireside Chat. There's something nice about that. Yeah. Let's go. We still need a name for our rye. Yeah. We came close on something. We have. Those of you following, we're making our own rye. Yes. So send us some names in. Hey, hey. Cheers. A little day drinking. Hey. It is sunny out, folks. This is a Manhattan.

Yeah, that's the thing about our schedule. Sometimes we got a day drink to make this work. We're both on the road again pretty hard. Yeah. Woo. Not bad. Not bad. Good job, Fireside. But yeah, what was I saying? You were saying we need a name for our ride. Oh, yeah. We've come up with Callback.

I like callback. I like callback. And then I also like cockfight. Cockfight's fun. Yeah, and it's also fun, like us. Or get a little cock with two gloves on it. Yes. And a cigarette in its mouth. Like a dick or a rooster? Rooster. Okay, yeah. We could do the dick. I don't know if you want a dick on a bottle. Yeah, I think that's jarring if you're in a liquor store and you're like, oh, makers, Knob Creek.

It's a little aggressive. Yeah, give me the dong. Although Knob Creek sounds like a dick. Yeah. My knob. It kind of does. Bullet makes you think of a dick. Yeah, that's true. It's a bullet, but it's like a phallic. Right. Remember the Washington bullets? Were you around for that? Of course. They changed it because the owner knew someone who got shot, which is like such a dumb... It's like, oh, you discovered that bullets hurt people? Yeah.

That's a good realization to make. Yeah, but I mean, lions hurt people. I think it was more the crime aspect. Yeah. But I think it hit the owner personally. Also, I'm sorry, Bullets is a cooler name than the Wizards. Bullets is great, and then you got Grand Wizards. That's true. So now we're off on this territory. Huh. Yeah.

Was it Dimitri Martin used to have a joke where it was like, I'd rather see the actual things fight than the teams. Greg Fitzsimmons. Fitzsimmons. Yeah, yeah. Somebody stole that from him. But that's a whole other pod. Sorry, Greg. I'll tell you after. But yeah, he's got a whole beef about it.

But yeah, Wizards is boring. That's like Harry Potter, Magic the Gathering. Get out of here. Come on. It's nerdy. This is sports, man. Yes, exactly. What's the next? The Warlocks? The Witches? Yeah. The Elves? The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe? Fuck this shit. Yeah, exactly. Never read it. Yeah, I don't think I've ever read it either. I'm still mad about the Utah Jazz. Yeah. Where has less jazz than Utah? That was in the opening of Basketball. Oh.

Oh, is that really? Underrated movie. Great movie. They say the Lakers moved to Los Angeles where there are no lakes. Right. From Minneapolis. And the Jazz moved to Utah where they don't allow music. That was the whole thing in the intro. That's a very underrated movie. Great comedy. First of all, it's Zucker, I think, directed it. And then the guys, Trey and Matt, wrote it. I met Zucker on...

who wrote Naked Gun, by the way. And he wrote Airplane, too, right? Yes. He's written the best slapstick. I met him. I thought we'd hit it off a little better. I met him on the Impractical Jokers cruise. Oh, wow. He was just hanging out. What?

Is he a Joker fan? I think he's a fan of the Jokers. That's hilarious. I think they also just have made, they're so famous, they've just made weird friendships. Yeah, I get that. Like, when I was on the Joker's Cruise, it was Doug Stanhope having a conversation with Joey Fatone of Backstreet Boy, or NSYNC. NSYNC. Yeah, I was like, what the fuck am I watching? That's like a weird dream. Yeah, it was like one of those Lunesta commercials. I'm like, there's a gopher talking to Lincoln in the kitchen. Yeah.

You're just sleeping. You're like, it was Hunter S. Thompson was there and Frank Sinatra. Right, right. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. It was, uh, what's that guy's name? Ron Perlman talking to, uh, you know, Timberlake. Yeah. Brutal, but fun trip. It was fun. That was, cruises stressed me out. That was one of the best parts of that cruise was I'm on the boat with a great crew of comics. It was like Rich Voss was on, Tim Dillon, Ari, uh,

Kreischer. Kreischer. Yeah, it was a crew. And Yamanika. It was a fun group of people. And I remember after one of the shows, some were tough, you know, it's a boat, and we're waiting by the door, and this woman walks up to me, and she goes, you were our favorite right in front of Rich Voss. And he turns to her and he goes, oh, yeah? Well, your other friends are prettier than you. Ha, ha, ha.

And everyone laughed except for them, Avi. But like Voss has... He's had that loaded for 35 years. Of course, of course. What did Quinn say? Voss is the king of the counterpunch. He really is. You can't beat him in anything. He got me once on ONA. I mean, I was crushed for like a week. I had to hide it, but...

I was zinging him, and I felt like I got the best of him, and there was some guest on the show, like some author or some nerd guy. And he goes, you like comedy? And the guy goes, yeah, sure. He goes, you like Mark Norman? He goes, never heard of him. And Voss just stared at me, and I was like, ah!

He made the other guy zing me. That was how good he is. Damn. Yeah, it crushed me. That's like Magneto just getting the device and throwing it at you. Yes, exactly, exactly, yeah. He got me once. I was like 21 years old, and I did a Friars Club roast of Omarosa, and I bombed so hard, like crushingly hard. Voss goes on after me and bombs a joke and goes, you guys better laugh or I'm bringing Sam back up. The room explodes. Ah, ha, ha.

It was crushing. Yeah. I did a Jewish gig in Long Island at a country club. I was eating my ass. I ate my ass for like a half hour. Kirsten went up, killed, and then Voss went up and killed even harder. At first I was like, this crowd sucks. They're a bunch of stuffy whatever. He killed. He just sat on a stool and made fun of the guy in the front row. He happened to be the mayor of the club. Killed. Killed.

He's so quick. I know, I know. I tried to do material. I'm like, Uber, huh? And they're like, nah, we don't take Uber. We have a driver. Yeah, you're like, we're observational comics. You don't get what we do here. And they're just like, just fucking make fun of the room. Exactly, yeah. That's all they wanted. They wanted racist jokes and making fun of the rich guy in the front. Ha, ha, ha.

That's a great combo. Yeah, I know, I know. I wish I would have known that. I have both of those things, but I wasn't ready. You were in Tacoma, right? Yes. How was it? Great weekend, seven shows sold out at capacity.

But just like I did that. It's still a sellout, man. They're still buying tickets. A lot of the time they comp those rooms. It's your people. Yes, exactly. It was all white. No, it's my people. It's a stinky town. It is. It smells weird. Yeah, yeah. It's like a port town with like factories. It's very old school. It's blue collar. Yeah.

But it's blue collar meets Pacific Northwest, so it's pretty and the scenery is unbelievable. And it's actually a good balance. It is. Yeah, it works. There's hiking and there's like, you know, misogyny. It's got it all. But...

Great town, great club. And I did that LA run with all those podcasts. So it was nice to just go to Tacoma and just go to the woods. I had a hike. You drink coffee on a picnic table staring at the sea. Good times. I remember, I haven't been there in a bit, but I remember last time I was there, there's a rec center.

Which I love a rec center on the road. I don't know. With COVID now, I don't know if it's the same, but you just go in. It's like a $5 day pass. You just play hoops. You can go swimming if you want. Is that a Y? Yeah, same thing. Yeah, yeah. Rec center Y. But yeah, I was playing with these kids, and there were all these white dudes with earrings. Pacific Northwest. This is the toughest we got. Yeah. They were fucking great. Oh, really? Yeah, it sucked. I was not getting the ball. I was like, God damn it. I got to just hustle and get rebounds. Yeah.

That area, that Washington, Portland, Oregon area is so weird. That Mount Rainier just stares at you. It was just outside my hotel looking at me like an old man with a boner, just right in my hotel window. I would just get up every day and have coffee and stare at it.

Great time. It's a good little city. And they got those steep hills there. You got to walk up the hill to get to the club. It's like a black diamond trying to get to the club every night. It's crazy. It's tough. Yeah. But the crowds were on fire. Crowds were great. They get a little sloppy over there, but it's a fun sloppy. The crowd's like a stallion and you got to ride it, you know?

But they buy more merch there than anywhere. I sold out all my shirts. I sold a good amount of shirts. I might have overdone it just with the capacity. It was like five shows. The first time I sold shirts, I think I sold like, I want to say like 70 something. That's great. First time, yeah. I was like, yeah. I think I need a joke about what the thing is. I don't have one either. I think it might help. That might help. I was in Cleveland, which, dude, I love Cleveland. Cleveland is so underrated. I always say it's the best city in Ohio. Suck it, Cincy.

then you're fucking chili that's that's it's just like not creative yeah yeah spaghetti with chili it's kind of like you like you you forgot you had ingredients and you're like i'll whip this together right right it's like a high guy on chopped you know it's a high guy job but it's also like okay you did that once you don't just own it and make it your thing yes exactly that's a

That's a good point. Skyline chili. It's just shitty pasta. Right. Yeah. It's shitty pasta with meat sauce. I like chili. I love chili. Do you make chili? No, I'm not a fireman, but I should. Have you made chili? I make it all the time. What? That's one of my... Pandemic, I did it constantly because it was like... Beginning of the pandemic, it was like a good...

It's just a good food at last. You can put it in the freezer. It's fun to make. All you have to do is keep dumping ingredients until it tastes the way you like. For a novice cook like myself, it's perfect. Interesting. I've never thought to make it. I love it. I get it at Wendy's. I'm the guy who gets chili at Wendy's. You can make it pretty healthy, too. You get some turkey meat. You get a bunch of veggies, some hot peppers. I throw some sauce up in that motherfucker. I make it nice and spicy, some hot sauce.

I'm so impressed. I go black and pinto beans. I mix it. You would love it. This is my kind of meal. I like hearty. I like comforty. And dude, I mean, it's not like I came up with this, but this is a nice little touch. If you want to keep it healthy and it tastes delicious, substitute for sour cream, Greek yogurt tastes great. Tastes great. Whoa.

Bunch of cheese, some avocado on there, squeeze some Tostitos, drop it on. Got yourself a fucking hearty little meal. Oh, I'm hearty. Holy shit. That is very impressive. I love it. Yeah. Man, you're like an old detective at home. You're drinking whiskey, making chili. Like I picked you in a trench coat with boxers. Oh my God. That's great.

I'm going to try that. It's fun. Well, what's the base? Is it a tomato base? You could do that. What I like to do, there's a lot of ways. I mean, you can kind of get creative with it. I like to just, I dump a bunch of beans. I do a few cans of beans. I try to strain it a little so it's not too watery. Sure. A bunch of beans. I probably go like,

A little more black than pinto, but I mix it up. Dump some salsa in there. I do a bunch of veggies. Oh, man. I'm on board. Hot peppers, bell peppers. And then you got to get that meat in there. I love it, man. And you just got to have a big pot? Yeah, big pot. Stir it. It's fun. You kind of let it go. You can kind of let it simmer and just watch TV or something or work on something. It's a fun thing to do because you just keep adding stuff. I like stuff that you just keep adding. Yes. Oh, I can just keep...

As long as you don't go too hard with the spice, you keep doing it gradually, you get it to the right place. I fucking love it. I'm very impressed and I'm excited. I got to come over. Come over. Let's do a chili day. Because see, I'm the guy at the restaurant who gets the soup.

You ever go to a restaurant? Because I get the soup almost every time and they're always surprised because no one buys soup at a restaurant. You're the biggest soup guy I've ever met. I love soup. I like a chowder, a bisque, a chili, a broth, a gumbo, you name it. You ever go to the Soup Nazi in New York? I did. I wasn't impressed.

It was fine. It's very expensive. Wait, it was like $9 for a cup, and then it was just like this? And you get a banana, and I'm like, what's with the banana? Yeah, they give you a banana. Oh, I didn't get a banana. They always give you a banana. Oh. And it's like, what are you, my fucking mom packing me for soccer practice here? Yeah, banana. How about a piece of bread, you psycho? I didn't get bread, too. Oh, okay. Banana. The lobster bisque is pretty good there. It's pretty good. It's pretty good. But I waited in line. It was a cold day. It was $9. I went there from...

like visiting from New Orleans because it was like still, I don't know, 1999. So the Soup Nazi was still hot. But yeah, I haven't gone back since. But even as a tourist, I was like, eh. He was pissed, I think, that they called him the Soup Nazi. He sued and won. Wow. Yeah, they settled out of court, but he did all right. Soup Nazi. Yeah, you probably couldn't do that now. Yeah, probably not. At least not on NBC.

Yeah, that's true. I mean, they went hard. They had like a masturbation episode. They had a date rape episode. But they don't say it. They always say things like master of your domain. They kept it very, like even the way Letterman would do a sex joke, it was very much like a wink and a nod to the crowd. Right, right. Look at The Office. That's like 10 years ago. Oh, retard joke, black joke. They go nuts. Rape jokes. It's like, this is crazy. This is NBC, dude. They've pulled it in more quickly than any 10 years, I think, of any time. Oh.

I think so. Yeah, I think you're right. Well, I think with the internet and everything, everything has been sped up. So we've always kind of progressed as a society, but it's just been amplified and sped up because of the internet because you can talk more. Yeah. And more things like, this happened on this. And you're like, all right, sorry. Let me do my apology tour. I fucked up. I loved your tweet the other day about...

You go like, say you're sorry. Okay, I'm sorry. And you're like, you didn't mean that. Why did it mean the joke? Oh, yeah, exactly. That's comedy in a nutshell, folks. I pinned it down. This happened to me in Tacoma. It's not just comedy. It's like people demanding apologies for things that like...

Sometimes we just say shit like we speak so much right that we're gonna misstep sometimes of course yeah totally and just because you're upset by it I'm not it might not be so I don't know where you're at we have different lines it's funny it's like man who's the best basketball player of all time Michael Jordan he missed shots.

Ah, good point. It's like pulling him aside. Why do you miss that shot? Because I don't make every shot I take. Yes, exactly. I'm trying here. I have to make a shot to see if it'll land. That's the only way to know. You can't write it in your house. You can write it in your house, but you still never know unless you test it. You know what's interesting? Ari said this to me. Ari Shafir once said this to me. He's like, the reason I never tweet is because it's like he's like,

You know at the Comedy Cellar when you go downstairs and there's someone who's not a part of the show but they have to go downstairs to use the bathroom? He said, that's what Twitter is to me. Wow, that's great. I think it's a great observation. It's people...

walking in who aren't a part of the show and now they're upset. They're like, what did you say? That's great. Those are the people because Twitter you get retweets so it's a new audience. That's how you build a base a little bit, right? But a lot of those people are like, how dare you? And you're like, you don't get that I'm being sarcastic right now. Yeah, yeah. This is a performance. This is a comedy show. This is all meant to get a laugh. That's it. I'm not a politician. I'm not trying to change the world. Just trying to be a fucking, I mean, a fart can be funny but if somebody walks into your fart cloud, you're an asshole. You know?

But it was just for humor, for yucks. What was the Mel Brooks quote? It was a comedy is a tragedy is when I get a paper cut. Comedy is when you fall off a cliff. I might be I'm paraphrasing, so I might be wrong on that. Sounds pretty good. Sounds right. Charlie Chaplin said he was talking to some guy about comedy. And this is like the best comedy ever.

I've ever heard. Somebody's like, all right. He's like, okay, you got a guy on the street. Make that funny. And the guy goes, okay, okay. He's walking down the street and he falls in a manhole. How funny is that? Charlie Chapman's like, hold on. Let me make it funny. Guy's walking towards a manhole. You think he's about to fall in? Gets hit by a car. That's comedy. And I'm like, oh, that's great because you've got to be one step ahead. That's not just comedy. That's life. Ooh.

Ooh, there you go. That's like you spend your whole life worrying about one thing, another thing fucks you. Yeah, so true, so true. Like Sam Kinison died on the highway by another drunk driver. This is the biggest coked up alcoholic, womanizer, fat fuck, crazy rock star comedian, T-boned by a drunk driver. Shouts out to Carla Bove, by the way, RIP Carla Bove.

Sam Kinison's opener. I never met him, but I respected him a lot. I never did either, but everybody loved him and had great things to say and said he murdered. Yeah. Man, Kinison, that is interesting. Yeah, you're right. He fucking, he died at the hands of, it's fucking crazy. Yeah, so God damn it, live, folks. You gotta live. I think also, COVID makes me think of this shit too, where you're like,

It's crazy. The things we worry about, and then COVID happens. This is a worry no one would have predicted. Fine, some people are like, a pandemic's coming. Some people said that. But for the most part, this was not the thing the average person was worried about. And then this happens, and you're like, man, this wiped out like...

Not only so many people, but so many businesses, you know? I know, I know. So true. And nobody saw it coming. You got the psycho and the weirdo with the bunker who's got eight cans of tuna fish and Costco black beans and garbanzo beans all day long, but nobody saw this shit. Tuna fish. You got me fucking... Now you got me jonesing for some... Oh, Sam hasn't eaten today for the folks at home. I haven't eaten. I'm drinking on a... We got some peanut butter pretzels so I could soak up some of this booze, but I came...

I came without eating. I fucked up. Well, we get a free meal at the City Winery. Oh, hell yeah. I base my whole life around free meals. Me too. I plan them. I plan my whole day. So do I. I'm like, okay, I'll be at the club at 7.30. It's a good meal, too. They got good food. Great food in Cleveland at that club at Hilarity's. Check it out. Dude, by the way, quick shout out to Hilarity's in Cleveland. If you live in Cleveland, go to Hilarity's. It is a national staple. I think we might have even forgotten to mention it as one of the best clubs in a couple weeks ago. Oh, yeah. Because we just...

We just sometimes we forget. But, dude, that is that's like a top five club in the country. It's insane. When you go to that club and then you go to another club a week later. Syracuse. You're like, what the fuck is going on? You could have this, but you have this. I remember I got in trouble at Syracuse once. My agent at the time said, what did you do? You walked like 30 people. And I was like, my act. Yeah.

What did I do? Fuck all of you Syracuse. I bombed. Wow, that's a bomb. I've never walked 30 on a bomb. That's the cues for you.

It's tough. It's in a mall. It's Syracuse. You got a lot against you there. You really do. It's freezing cold. Nobody's happy. They should be happy at the show. I know. We're not cold in the showroom. Bring the fucking energy, guys. Please, please. I think it's a lot of papered tickets for us, or it used to be maybe. Well, dude, that was the thing. People don't get papered for those of you that don't know what you're talking about. It's free tickets. Yeah. Guess what? You have no investment in a free show. No one gives a shit.

No one gives a shit. And they're kind of like, you're lucky I'm here. I drove here. I parked the car. I'm buying two drinks. Bring it, Dickless. Like, you make me laugh instead of like, hey, let's have a good night. That's how we're feeling like.

I'm going to go. I got some great jokes. You got some laughs. Here we go. But they're like, now you got to pull it out of me. That's a good, but I think that's the general public for the most part. Probably. Because you think about things it's been, it's harder than ever to be an entertainer now. And I think we were always guys that like needed laughs immediately. Yeah. But think about how people consume content now. It's like,

an algorithm based on shit you already like. So we're competing with that. So we sneak in people like, fuck this guy. I fucking hate this guy. Cause it people's time is more valuable than ever. Right. They're like mad that you infringed upon their time. Yeah. Especially when they could just be sitting at home with streaming TV. They got their phone in their hand. They got grub hub at the door. I mean, everything is right there. And then now, now we're like, Hey, you got to listen for a minute to laugh at this. You got to hear the setup. You got to pay attention.

- So we're asking a lot now, more than ever. - We're asking a lot but also they're giving the least that they've ever given. Like we might be asking a lot but they're getting the most free content that's ever been available ever. - True. - And they've never been more critical. - I know but that's human nature I think. The more you give, the more you want. - We're gonna get a montage of those birds. - Hey look who showed up. The more you give, the more you want. That's just how people are, you know? Like no one ever goes hey this is great, we have all this stuff now. They go what's next?

You know, it's like Louie's joke about the internet on the plane. We have internet on a plane now. It went out for one second. What the fuck? And that's just kind of how people work. Yeah. No, you're right. We want it right when we get it. We want it to work perfectly every time and never go backwards. I mean, I relate to that bit. It sucks when a bit of a comedian you love where you're like, fuck, I do that. Yeah. Like, I definitely like, man, Wi-Fi in my hotel goes out. I'm like, come on. I know. I know. Because we go to length...

To have things set up the way we like. And we travel so much that when anything goes wrong, it's pretty disappointing. I try to check myself a little more. I'll be honest. My recommendation for this week to go into it, therapy. Ah, interesting. It's not a movie. It's not a book. I went back into therapy today. And holy shit, I need it. Really? I've been holding some shit down. Oh, man. It's going to make me...

I think it's going to make me a better human being because I took time off and I swear to God...

I tried to do a bit about this, but when I quit therapy all the time and whenever I quit, he looks at me like I'm an athlete in my prime. Where he's just like, you've got a lot left to give. I don't know why. But I really, I need it. I need therapy. I definitely, I push it down. And just talking today, I was like, wow, I have not dealt with my shit. Interesting. And I am punishing other people with my shit. Is this...

- Work, lady, family, friends. - Everything, everything. It's very hard to deal with family stuff because I think your family stuff is like, it's a pattern now. It just is what it is. You never, you're not like a 10 year old, like, hey mom, dad, we need to talk about this. We have a pattern that's not really working for me. No, you just keep repeating that pattern until it becomes normal and then you make, you base your relationships on that. - Right, right, yeah. - So these aren't fixed.

Exactly. You're just going in a circle. With my mom instead, like, as an example, like my mom, I love my mom so much. I have a great mom. But like, I'll do things

Like she'll sometimes, you know, as entertainers, we don't always feel seen. I think like we're similar in that way. We're like, we say shocking things because we didn't feel seen growing up. Sure. You know what I mean? Like, that's like our, that's our thing. Like we don't feel like you had an overachieving brother as well. Oh yeah. And a genius brother, literally a genius. Yeah. My brother and sister, same shit. So it's like you, you do that to stand out. You felt like a black sheep. Yes. Same shit here. It's like, it's patterns. So,

you know, in my case, yeah, like I always thought my mom, and she's so proud of me. Like she, I know she's proud of me, but there are times where she's like, you should do, you should write a shouts and murmurs for the New Yorker or something. And I'm just like, it's not the type of comedy I do, mom. And she was like, but you should do that. And instead of being like,

you know, it hurts my feelings when you don't see me or like value me for who I am. I'm just like, that's not what I do. So you keep that. So you don't fix the problem. You just keep it fucking going. Yeah. Yeah. But do you say that's not what I do? Or you just, you just get upset and I bottle it. I do the same thing. And that's what I'm trying. And that's just one of like maybe a hundred things I'm working on. Right. Ooh,

Ooh, you might need a two-hour sesh. We might need a sesh. No, I mean, I haven't gone in the whole pandemic. You can do that for a massage. I think you should be able to do that for therapy. Hey. You know, let's make this 90 minutes. Yes. You should be able to do it for therapy. And you know what? Jerk me off. Now I'm really confused.

Got jerked off by an old bearded man. But the beauty is you get to talk to him about it after and deal with it. But yeah, no, I'm with you. I'm the same way. My mom, that's the thing about moms is they care. They know we like comedy. So that's her way of being like, hey, I'm related to my son. The murmurs thing, which I've never even heard of. Shouts and murmurs. It's a New Yorker piece. It's in like every thing.

Every article. Every magazine, I mean. The worst radio morning team in history. This is Shouts and Murmurs. How you doing, Murmurs? You got that right. All right, here we go. Traffic on lane five. But, yeah, so...

I'm the same way. My mom will, I'll show up at home like for Christmas or Thanksgiving. And I haven't seen him in months. Cause I, you know, they live in new Orleans and they'll just go, Hey, here you go. And they'll put a stack of magazines and newspapers on the table. I'm like, what's this? And they're like, there's a comedy article in there. And each one of those is a comedy piece. And I'm like, okay, so should I sift through all this is going to take me three weeks. You know, this is like a stack. Have they heard of email? Yeah. I'm like, I'm like an old accountant with the,

I got a green visor on, you know, I'm like, I feel like I got a big file I have to deal with now. So I'm like going through it and they're like, it's somewhere in there. They talk about Joan Rivers. I'm like, Oh great. Like, this is it. How about a hug, a conversation or ask me how the show was or the weekend or the gig or whatever. They're doing there and they're showing love as best they can. And that's the thing that we have to accept. Like, I'm telling you, man, like,

When you leave therapy and you go back, you feel the same way you quit working out and you go to the gym. That first session, you're like, fuck. Now, is it in person? No, I'm doing Zoom. Okay, because I took off the whole pandemic with Alan because I didn't want to do... A-Rock. Zoom, yeah. Sorry, I don't know if we're supposed to say his name. That's all right. I didn't want to do Zoom, so I was like, I'll be all right, but I got some shit, so maybe I'll go back and see if he's willing to go...

I think you should go back. I'm going to go back. I mean, I remember the first time you went, you called me. I was like, holy shit, this is like a different side of Mark. I've never seen this side. No, I think I was doing, it sucked because I remember you called me. You're like, there's so much I want to say right now. And then I think I was about to like tape something. I was about to go on and do some bullshit. And then I got off and I was like, I called you back. And you're like, ah, no, I'm good. I was like, I missed a moment where Mark was like really being vulnerable. I was kind of interested in it. After therapy, it's like doing a set because you have like 30 minutes of like, whoo.

After a set, you're like, I'm Superman for 30 minutes. And then it fizzles away and you hate yourself again. And after therapy, you're like, I'm healthy. And then it goes away again. I mean, yeah, we're drinking. Like, I went to therapy and now I'm like, ah, here we're drinking Fireside Cocktails. But I got to say, you came in and you were kind of glowing. More of a glow than normal. I feel...

It feels good to work on it. Like, it feels like that's something that's, you know, so. Yeah. All right. I'm making an appointment. I got to get back. It's important for me. And like, look, I'm not saying it's important for everybody. Some people don't need it. But if you feel that you're needing it, look up if your health insurance covers it. Also, a lot of therapists work sliding scale. Yes. What a fucking cool thing that they do that. I know. Yeah.

I mean, so yeah. What's your rack, by the way? Well, that's a great one. Boy, that was heavy stuff and I'm glad you brought it up. But mine was, I'm at home, I'm flipping through the channels. My mom, speaking of mom, texted me, hey, and whenever she texts, I'm like, oh,

this is gonna be some kind of project i got a whole thing my mom she wants to write a book with me and i'm like wow book you know and she's like she's a big cook cunt she's like a foodie bitch so she's like hey uh you know you give me a comic and i'll write a recipe about them and i'm

I'm like, all right, all right. That's kind of fun. I used to like when Caroline's did like the Dave Attell or like the Damon Wayans. You ordered a cocktail. That's kind of a fun idea. I guess, yeah. But I'm like, all right. No one's going to buy it. Who's going to buy like the Dave Coulier quiche? But all right, whatever. So I'm like, I like this guy. So I'm like Groucho Marx. She's like, all right. And she comes back. She's like, he's a Jewish guy from New York. How about some locks? I'm like, okay, great. I like this. I'm into this. That's a whole thing. But whatever.

So she texts me. I'm like, oh, it's going to be some cooking shit. And she's like, the Mark Twain doc is on Amazon Prime. It's amazing. And I was like, oh, oh. Wow. And I had nothing going on. So I put it on. It's six hours or something, or four hours. I watched the whole thing. It was unbelievable. I'm going to watch it this week. I can't wait. Ken Burns. Ken Burns rules. He rules. Did you watch The Hemingway? I'm halfway through that, and that's great. It's incredible. Yeah. But I steal cable, and it went out.

So I got to re-get back. I got to get back on the horse. No, no. That's PBS. It's free. I don't even have cable. I know. I don't have cable. What do you use? PBS, it's free. You just go on YouTube. Oh, is that right? No, you just type in Hemingway documentary into Google and it comes up. Oh.

Okay. Yeah. All right. I was watching on my stolen thing. Yeah. But all right, I'll do that. I'll watch Mark Twain this week. That's interesting. So it's amazing? Amazing. Because first of all, the guy was killer. Killer comic. Great writer. He has some zings that you're like, he's so quick. Yeah. She traveled the world at one point. Went

Went to the Nile River, and he goes, how much for a boat on the Nile? And the guy goes, $8. This is like 1890 or whatever. He's like, whew, no wonder Jesus walked. Wow. He was just zinging and zanging. He had some great lines. I wish I could remember other ones. He tried to kill himself at one point before he made it. Tried to kill himself. Right after that, he makes it. So it's like the gun jammed. I mean, it's crazy shit, and it's...

It's PBS and it's Ken Burns, so it's drawn out, but it's not like it's six parts like these other ones. Like World War II, it's 12 hours. But you feel like you're learning when you watch those things. I mean, it's like Ken Burns really is incredible. Incredible. He's a national treasure. Have you seen a photo of him?

Yeah, yeah. He's tiny. He's tiny. He's got weird hair. He's a perfect looking doc guy. He looks like he bakes cookies and trees the rest of his spare time. Yeah, he does. So teeny. But I love the things he chooses, like the way he goes about the narrative and everything. And it's really touching. And the tragedy in this guy's life, my God, it puts all our bullshit in perspective. Like the things we bitch about. I'm like, the air fryer, they sent the wrong color. Ah!

You know, and he's like, ah, my kid died today, and then my brother died in the war, and all the... It's heavy shit. He smoked 40 cigars a day. 40? 40! That's just one of the fun nuggets in there. 40 cigars in a day. I watched it with my girl. She was about to hang herself. She was so bored, but I was like...

Yeah, we got to compromise. I was on edge. Yeah, I loved it. There's a famous story about Che Guevara where his doctor said you could only smoke two cigars a day for your health. And he started smoking cigars this long. Ah, that's great. It's crazy. It's also funny. It's like you're a revolutionary. Just let him do what he wants. I know. He's not going to live that long. Right, right. He's killed people.

40 cigars in a day. Yeah. That is phenomenal. And he like tackled race before everybody. He tackled all this shit. He was a big, big atheist guy. Because his whole family dies. I don't give too much away. So he's just like, why do we believe in this guy? Why do we think he's great? And shitting on God. He got a lot of hate, but he also was loved. And then towards the end of his life, people kind of caught on to how genius he was. And they would just...

fly him out to like England and just to ask him advice and stuff. It's fucking fascinating. Damn. These days he would have been like on Loveline or something. No, it's so crazy. He, uh, yeah, he really was a genius, man. It's funny. I'm always thinking of Jesse Pops bit about him. I remember the, when the whole, uh,

about how it was N-word Jim. Oh, yeah. It was the actual N-word. And he goes, we should change it to N-word Jim. And Jesse Popp's like, I got a crazy idea. How about Jim? Jesse Popp, underrated comic. He's funny. Check him out. He's got great stuff. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. So that was my wreck. It was four hours and you don't feel it. I watched it in two parts, loved it. Damn. Heavy stuff. Hey, hey, folks. We Might Be Drunk is brought to you by Upstart.

Do you dread looking at your credit card statement every month? Whoo boy, do I? Oh man, all that blow and brothels. We don't blame you, but Upstart can help. Upstart is the fast and easy way to get a personal loan to pay off your debt all online. Oh man, I got debt. I got cell phone debt. I got college debt. I got car debt. I'm insurance now. I got a bicycle, a car. I'm all over the road. I got some apartments.

I'm swimming in this thing. I need an assistant. I don't know what I'm doing. I feel like you lost the relatability right there. I bought an apartment. Now I rent one. It's a whole thing. It's a nightmare. I would like to buy a studio, by the way. So maybe Upstart can help. You mean just to write in? No, just to do pods. Sorry, Matt. Just to do pods. Just a one-roomer. Oh, I thought you meant a studio as used as an office.

Yeah, we use an office. We could do a pod in there. We could shoot videos in there. It'd be nice to have, but times are tough. Whether it's paying off credit cards or consolidating your debt, over half a million people have used Upstart to get a simple fixed monthly payment, unlike other lenders.

Upstart looks at more than just your credit score, like your income and employment history. This means they can offer smarter rates with trusted partners. Just five minutes for an online rate check. You get approved the same day and receive funds as fast as one business day. Is debt taking over your life? Well, it's time to get a fresh start.

With Upstart, tell them how, Sammy. Find out how Upstart can lower your monthly payments today when you go to upstart.com slash drunk. That's upstart.com slash drunk. Don't forget to use our URL. I'm fucking drunk. Earl.

Earl, my name is URL. To let them know I sent you, got to throw in this disclaimer. Loan amounts will be determined based on your credit, income, and certain other information provided in your loan application. And now, go to upstart.com slash drunk. Nobody got on a peeve. Okay. People blasting music from their car. Mmm.

We all miss DMX. It's 6.45 a.m., dude. Yeah. Drives me nuts. I grew up with this. In my neighborhood, there was a lot of music blasting and all that. And who is it for? Are you letting other people know? Are you enjoying being in a metal box with blaring music? I don't get it. You're a graphic tea personality. You need people to know. And also, you're forcing your bullshit...

Like, how about this? We live in a society where you don't need to impose your personality on everyone in a 50 foot radius. Right. How about just doing your thing? I love quiet people. I love people that keep to themselves and people who surprise you and people who are better people.

when you get to know them. Yes. People who lead aggressively like that, this is you at your best and it's only getting fucking worse. That's true. You're a rotten onion. Rotten onion? What are you, my grandpa? This guy's a rotten onion. This guy's an old turnip. But yeah, no, I'm with you. That was one of the slurs from Mark Twain's time. Ha ha ha.

You rot an onion? Yeah, no, you're true. I mean, you're true. You're right. It's so true. It's like these guys have nothing to say. They got no personality, so they got to show you with this loud music or this crazy neck tattoo or a mohawk or there's got to be something. Instead of having anything within you or a cool thought, it's got to be this aggressive, over-the-top showing of, hey, look at me. I got this. I'm loud. I'm loud.

I hate it. It's not talent. You're right. It's like a talent substitute. You're like, I want attention. I want attention, but all I'm going to do is be fucking annoying. Yeah. That's the worst. It's a real peeve. That's a big peeve. And we need women to stop fucking these guys. Ladies. Yeah. Don't see the guy drive by with the blaring DMX and go, this guy, he's the one I should be letting inside me. Yeah, that'll make him stop. Yeah.

That's the only thing stopping these douchebags. No, they'll be louder if they don't get laid. They want more attention. Well, that's the thing I never got about the banging with the ladies is like,

Women are always like, oh, I hate this guy, I hate that guy. But the bully in school, in my high school, always had the hottest girls. The loud guy always got the hottest girls. I'm like, ladies, you guys have vagina population control. It works both ways. I think confidence goes a long way. The hot chick was also kind of an asshole a lot of the time. That's true, but at least we love them and leave them. We're not dating them.

I just think that's the difference. Like, women were seeking relationships and men were like, but men would date shitty women, I think. That's true. I do think it works both ways. But you're right. The bully always had a hot chick. Always had a hot chick. Always. Yeah. And like, you know, women shit on frat guys and Wall Street guys, but they always cleaned up. I don't know. It's interesting. Yeah, they shit on them, but deep down they've got money. And Wall Street guys, you can shit on them, but fuck.

Madoff's wife didn't know what was going on? I know, right? Cosby's wife knew what was going on. Carmela Soprano knew Tony wasn't on the level. Exactly. Not sanitation. Come on, sister. He had a goobah. Cosby's wife. That's got to be a rough way to go. That's a real 180. Oh, my God. I mean, I'm sure she wasn't thrilled.

I'm sure like back at like 20 years ago, she wasn't like, I love my life. Yeah, but you know, those jello chicks are still coming in. I guess she's still rich. It's got to be weird to see that power shift where it went.

I remember Judd Apatow once at the Cellar said, we were just like hanging a bunch of comics and he's like, his comedy never made sense to me because his wife was always so angry at him over like nothing. And I was like, wow, that's a great observation. Interesting. On the show. No, just like in standup, he'd be like, he goes, I'm sorry. And it's like, you're fighting over aftershave or some bullshit. Like it was always like the most minor offense. And she was furious at him. He was like, he was doing bad shit. Right. But you know. Oh man. Yeah.

Yeah, I can't imagine the fighting in that house. She's like, we never have sex anymore. He's like, you're always awake. Come on. Let's do it for me. You're always awake. This is really, he's like, you never falling asleep has been a big problem for me. Yeah, yeah. During couple therapy. Yeah.

She's always, she drinks a lot of coffee. Yeah, right, right, yeah, exactly. I touch her, she wakes right up. It's like Rodney's cadence right there. I'll tell you, I'm trying to sleep with my wife. I fuck her, she wakes right up. I'll tell you, I get no respect in this household. No respect. Rodney as Cosby is a funny, funny character. I'm one of the worst serial rapists of all time, I'll tell you, but no one saw it coming. Ah!

Rodney in Natural Born Killers is one of the all-time dark comic turns. Oh my god, I didn't see that coming. I was watching that movie as a kid through fingers and I'm like, wait, Rodney's in this? What the fuck's going on? Rodney Dangerfield's groping his daughter? Yeah, that was wacky. Yeah, that was too much. Are we going to do that in the future? We got some crazy horror movie? It's like, is that Jim Carrey? What's going on? Is Jim Carrey fucking a kid?

All right. Hey, here's a peeve. Now, I got into it with this gal. I was with my lady and we're out at a museum and I go, how much is the tickets? You know, I'm like getting my wallet out. And the woman, it was like this young kind of hipstery girl. And she goes, it's 10 bucks for whatever and five for seniors.

And I go, oh, well, she's a senior, you know, pointing to my lady. And she got, she giggled. And this gal's like, wow, rude. Wow. And I knew she was trying to get me on some like, you know, whatever, PC shit or whatever. And I'm like, well, actually, there's nothing wrong with being a senior. So you're rude. And she goes, no.

Wah, wah, wah, whatever. I'm like, no, no, no, whatever. You tried to get me and you wanted me to go with it. So now when I get you, you're pulling a wah, wah, whatever. What if I just whatever you? Wah, wah is the ultimate wet blanket move. Yeah, she goes, wah, wah, whatever. Like, what do you mean whatever? I'm going off your dumb rules. I'm playing your rules. I beat you. And now you're mad at me. Oh, I hated her. That's good. Yeah, that's...

You made such a harmless joke, and she's just clearly on her high horse. Exactly. She's on the high horse, so I high horsed her. I doubled down. What do you call it? Where did high horse come from, by the way?

You think you're better because you're in a high horse? I think by that logic, you think you're better because you're in a high car, Hummer. Oh. Same shit with the high horse person, the Hummer person back in the day. Right, right. Yeah, but, you know, a Hummer is worse than a Porsche. For sure. So, yeah, that's a weird argument. Maybe the emperor was on the highest horse or something. Maybe. So you...

She tried to get you and she just fucking... Yeah, she sounds like she sucks. I kinged her. I put two stacks on her, you know? And she was like, ah, whatever. Like, oh, so your whole system is flawed then. Because if...

If you were true to yourself, you'd go, ah, okay, you're right. But you don't believe any of your own bullshit. That's why it bugged me. If you're going to play that shit with a stranger, you got to play it. You got to play it. You got to commit. You can't just be like, I win. Yes, yes. She just wanted to win. That's what bugs me about that whole thing is like, you just want the scalp. You want the kill. You want the gotcha. But you don't actually want to play by the rules. Everyone wants the credit. No one wants to do the work. I mean, look at when you post a video now. Everyone writes first. Ah, ha, ha, ha.

You want credit for being on your phone more than me.

Great point. That's what you want. First. That's not an accomplishment. I'm first. You should take a break. Yeah. You shouldn't be first. First is a negative. First should be embarrassing. You ever look at your Instagram stories? You're like, I wonder how many views this got. And you see and it's up for like 30 seconds. You buy. Oh, it's a new one. And you see and you're like, oh, that's weird. They saw it first. First is not a good thing. Right. First is like showing up an hour early to a party.

Yes. So true. Yeah, that's not an accomplishment. You're not impressive. You're the loser here. And you're letting us know you're the loser. You're letting us know you're the loser all at the same time you think you're the winner. Yeah, I know. First, all caps, eight exclamations. I'll tell you, these first people, they got the smallest cocks I've ever seen, you know? But that's like going to a party and going, first, imagine that guy. It's insane. First is fucking, it's the worst. First is the worst. Yeah.

First is the worst. You heard it here. First. Okay. Now, this is another pet peeve, and this has nothing to do with people. This is just my own bullshit. You see this a lot in cities in New York or wherever. The address...

First of all, I hate an address that's hard to find. You're like, okay, there's a business here. What is that? That's the phone number. Okay, that's the whatever. I need the number of the street. I'm on 14th Street. What is the address number? And then you look and it says 3800 Broadway. But Broadway's around the corner. But they still want to be considered on Broadway. So the business wraps around the corner. Yeah.

I used to deliver pizza, and this would drive me up the fucking wall. Just put the address out. Give me a clear number. Make it simple. And then sometimes it's like 49 and a half, or this side of the street's 46, and that side's 47. But there is no 47. We went straight to 49. It's an ego thing. You want to be part of a cooler avenue, and you've made it confusing.

You've made it confusing. I'm just trying to drop off the pizza here, folks. No, it drives me crazy. And it makes it much harder for delivery people. It makes it much harder for Ubers. You're just making everyone's life harder. I know. So just fucking cut it out and be yourself. That's what the problem is. You're trying to be a different address than you actually are. I want it 46, 48, 50, 52. Why does it have to be weird? It's trans of addresses. Yeah.

I'll play along for trans. That's your life. But this is an actual, this is the thing where I'm like, no, this is a thing. This isn't a person. So just be your fucking, be what it is. Yeah, and you're not the fucking Batcave. Like, why are you so hard to find? I want this to be, you know, this is a deli or a pizza shop or a coffee shop or a house. Like, I'm trying to give you packages or pizza or whatever.

Brutal. Yeah, yeah. I'm with you 100%. The address you want is always mysteriously gone. You're like, okay, there's 58. There's 60. What the hell? Where's 59? Okay, 59 should be over there, but it jumps up to 71. Like, ah, dress me nuts. Also, if you live in one of those places, you have to just be like every time, like, no, no, no, it's here. Yes. So it's annoying too. Right. This building is great because they put a big piece of paper taped to the wall. Do you see that? It just says the address. I'm like, thank you. I love it. Yeah.

I love, hey, let's treat us as if we're dumb as shit. Yeah. And let's make this easy for everyone. Well, we got the GPS now, which I think is up the dumbness because you're like, oh, the computer will figure it out.

Dude, I remember doing the road with Joe List and he was driving off a map. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. A map. Yeah, I delivered pizza at 17 and I had MapQuest printouts. I had an almanac thing. MapQuest is different than an actual map, though. MapQuest at least is like you're going, I'm going to the left. Left, right. Yeah. Where a map is like this is, I go two inches.

Right. That's fucking insane. Yeah, yeah. No good. No good. At least this thing goes, you have arrived. And you're like, all right, so I'm in the area. But still. Do you have the audio on when you do it too? Oh, yeah. Really? I like the audio. Damn. When I'm driving in LA, I need it. Because you don't want to just be like. You rent a car in LA? Every time. I'm an Uber guy. I just can't. I can't trust you. Every now and then you get like, be there in 12 minutes. You're like, oh, shit.

It's a 12 minute ride. Now I'm adding the full double the ride. I get stressed out because sometimes they'll chat with you and I'm just like, if I'm there, I'm doing like podcasts all day or something. And I'm like, oh, I don't have it, man. Yeah, I got nothing in the tank. Like not even like, I'm not even trying to be rude. I'm like, I just don't have it. I get it. I get it. Yeah. You know, you want to be like, here, just let me play my Segura episode really loud. Talk to this guy. This is entertaining. I got nothing left in me.

I'm so with you. Yeah, people don't realize that because they're like, oh, you can't talk? Are you some kind of big shot? You're like, I'm out. I'm tired. It's like I hit the gym and now you want me to do curls. I'm done. I was in a...

I was in Cleveland. I was just like the guy. Thank God he just talked but didn't expect me to talk back. Yeah. You know, morning flight. I was exhausted. Yeah. I was in a car with a couple. Oh, sorry. Sorry. I cut you off. Oh, no. He was just giving me the whole rundown of Cleveland. And it was hilarious. But it was like kind of charming. He was like clearly loved it. And I was like, no, I kind of like it. I kind of like how into Cleveland he is. And it's making me more into Cleveland. I don't mind that. And those guys will just go, you know. Exactly.

if they just want to go, I can, it's like a museum thing where you're like, you just go, I'll sit back and watch this. But if they need engagement, I'm kind of like, oh dude, I woke up at 4 a.m. and I got nothing. Yeah.

Yeah, totally. And I just want to close my eyes and daydream about my ex. But it's so true that they'll just go. But the problem with communicating and conversation is the reacting. That's really what wears you out. It's not thinking of stuff to say. It's not trying to be charming. It's like, uh-huh. Oh, is that right? That's what wears you out. Because you'll listen to a podcast. They look at us the way we look at a crowd.

If we're not giving them enough energy, they're kind of like, guess I'm bombing. Yeah. It's a fucking, it's an Uber. When you put it like that, I feel guilty then. For sure. Yeah, interesting. It's a show we didn't sign up for. Much like the paper tickets. Well, we used to, well, they signed up though. That's true. That's true. They came. We used to do comedy.

Ambush. Ambush shows. Yes. People would be eating dinner, and we'd have to just go up and be like, well, you guys suck, and they're like, it's a first date. You know what I mean? They weren't happy. That's true. Good point. This Manhattan is not too shabby, I'll tell you. No, it's hitting the spot. It's hard not to. I got four shows tonight. I got four, too. Where are you? The Stand, 13th Step, Brooklyn City Winery. I'm...

Gotham, the cellar, City Winery, the cellar. Oh, that's a good night. It's a good night. You're on the west side the whole night. Real good night, I'll tell you. That's what it's all about. Gotta get some new jokes to hit. I know, me too, man. Oh, I had something about the Uber. Damn it, I lost it. Oh, I got it back. I can't believe I got it back. Uh...

I was in a car with a bunch of comics, and I'm a backseat guy. Everybody fights over shotgun. I don't want shotgun. Too much pressure in shotgun. There's like weird radio stuff. Also, you do more reacting in shotgun because the driver's talking. You got to go, oh, yeah, get out of here, whatever. Backseat, check the phone every now and then. You can kind of zone out. You can come in when you want with the convo. I love backseat. Well, you're chill, dude.

Type A alpha dudes always want shotguns so they can control the radio. Oh, maybe that's it. I don't want any control. I'm good. Yeah, I'm fine with it. And I'm with you. I'm also very nervous. Like, you know, I have a bad back always, and I'm always like, I'm in the front seat. I want to make sure they have enough room in the back, you know? Yeah. So it's hard for me to enjoy the front seat.

I just prefer, I'm with you, I prefer low pressure. Low press. It's the same with the grill guy. You know, you go to the barbecue, he's like, whoa, whoa, you're flipping those wrong. Let me do the grill. Get out of the way. I got it. And you're like, great, you do it. I don't want to fucking pay attention to patties. Yeah, you get to do the grill. You're Tony Soprano. You're the guy that everyone wants to fucking kill. Yeah.

I'm just a dude eating free fucking meat. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. I'm laid back. And also, who are these psychos that have to have this right music? I don't like the song. I'm like, I hate all the music you guys pick, but I'm fine with it. I'm just in the back hanging out. I'll tell you a bar I want to get drunk in. A bar that plays Sinatra. All right. I don't want to be in a fucking loud bar. I hate loud bars. I hate it. All we have is our personalities.

That's it. That's it. I never walked up to a woman. She was like, yes. I always kind of fucking won her over over time. Same. Do a good line or something. Although I was at a bar with you once and a woman approached you pretty quickly. Really? I was a little jealous. And impressed. I was like, man. I think it was the height. You were the tallest guy in the bar. And this gal was like- I've seen women do that to you. What? Approach you. No. Oh, fuck off. I don't think so. Maybe my aunt approached me.

Fake humility. I don't think I've been approached. Maybe by a woman's like, hey, you stole my soap or something. You took my clock radio. We've seen the shirtless pics. We've seen the pull-ups. I walk into a bar. People go, hey, can you send these drinks to table nine? I don't think this old lady approached me at a bar.

If there is, let me know the bar. I know you tie your shoes different than most people, I noticed. I don't. I do the knot. I'm one and done. People spend six years of their life tying shoes. And you just do that like that, but you get enough ankle support? I sound like I'm 97 years old here.

Is that comfortable for you? Yeah, yeah. I like a slip-on. Interesting. I don't want the, it's tight enough to where it stays on the foot, but also loose enough I can slip on. Interesting. Yeah, you don't see a lot of people with that tying situation. Oh, is that right? Is that a me only? I don't, I mean, it's not like I pay a ton of attention, but I saw it and I was like, I don't see that normally. All right, I'll take it. Yeah. I thought everybody did that.

I don't. I'm doing just the regular loop-de-loop. Yeah, the loop-de-loop. Then they get loose. Now they're all off on Broadway, getting every fucking germ on them. Then you tie them. Now you've got the germs on your hair. I don't know. As long as it's the real Broadway, not some bullshit half address. Yeah. We're off Broadway, kind of. I took the corner. I was looking at the addresses. I find one. Still Broadway. Come on.

The worst. The worst. Should we do a bit? Yeah, let's do a bit. I got a few in the works here. And like, man, another shout out to Cleveland Hilarity. Just like, man, weekends like that remind you what we've been missing out on. Like, holy shit. Hell yeah. Great city. I was there for the NFL draft too, which was a complete craziness. Oh, right. But yeah, the crowds just rocked. A lot of we might be drunk people.

got two We Might Be Drunk people on the subway right over here. That's a good sign. I love it. I love that. That's great. So, you know... That's all I want out of life is to be recognized in the city I live in. Yeah, but not too much. Not too much. And to enjoy your life. Yeah, definitely. But, you know...

Yeah, one I had was, and I don't know if this is you, it's kind of like a two-parter, but I don't know where to go. The problem with this podcast is we're always drunk, so I never know if I've said this before, but one is, you ever on a dating app and you see a woman, she just posts a picture of her as a kid?

And you're just like, who is that for? A fucking disappointed pedophile? Right. He just shows up on the date like, you should really use more recent pics. This is a little rude. You know? So that kind of got a lot. It needs a little more. But then I did a whole kind of a tangent when I was like, you know what I like about pedophiles? And that gets kind of a laugh because they don't expect that line. Sure. You know what I like about pedophiles is they never complain at a joke.

You never meet a pedophile who stands up like, you've gone too far. Right, right. They're too scared to complain. Exactly. There's something nice about a group that doesn't want to identify itself. Everyone's about being identified. Pedophiles are like, not me. Identity politics. They're like, no, thank you. I went out of that. I don't want to identify as this. Yeah, that's funny. That's a great angle. But I think you got a lot with the kid pic. Yeah. Who's that for?

First of all, even if you are a pedophile, you're not on Tinder because it's just a bunch of regular legal-aged women. And then if you... The way most people swipe, a lot of people are like, yes, yes, yes. Pedophiles are like, ugh, no, no, no. Yeah, all day long, like finally a kid pic. But two, as a normal heterosexual male who likes legal-aged women...

Who's that for? The whole point of the picture is like, let me see what I'm working with here. Let's be honest. Yeah, I don't want to see potential. Yeah, I mean, if anything, this is what a man wants. Show me a picture of you in 30 years. I'd like to see where we're going more than what's been. Interesting. You know? Yeah, let's see a future, like that face app thing that makes you look old. Yeah. That's doable. Yeah, throw me, that's doable. Or throw me your mom in there.

Throw your mom or your grandma in there. I think John Fish had a bit like this. I think John Fish had a bit about, I want to see your mom. I think he had a bit like that. I think we're too close to a John Fish bit. Oh, that's good. He's funny. John Fish is a fucking great comic. Underrated comic. Check him out. John Fish. He has an album called He Has Friends. Yes. Killer. Killer. One joke after the next. No, I love his stuff. Oh, that's good. That's good. Who's that for? I think the mom thing is too close. I think it's something like that. All right. All right.

Also, there's another angle with the girl who has her friends in the photo and the friends are better looking. Right. That's another weird one where you're like, all right, I'd like to say hello to this one. How do I get to her? Yeah. Is that too mean? It's almost like a mystery. I think it's another John Fish joke. I think Fish did a joke, I'm the one on the right, and he goes, who's the one on the left? Right.

I don't think I can top that. I think he cracked that one, too. Damn, Fish. Johnny Fish, man. All right, all right. Underrated comedian, and give him a goog. Yes. There you go. Funny guy. Great album. Hope he's doing all right. Oh, he had a kid. Yeah, he had a kid. Good for him. It's funny. Hope he's doing all right. He's happier than any of us. He's got a family. That's true. We're drunk on fucking Tuesday afternoon, Mark. You think you're worried about him? That's my heaven. Yeah.

All right, Fish. Damn, I'm trying to think of another angle, but I don't want to step on old Fish cakes there. 20 minutes later, that's actually Fish's closer you just stepped on, John Fish. Damn. All right. No, I think we got plenty of work. And I got more ideas. I mean, if we got time. I mean, you do a bit. You do a bit of yours. All right. That's funny, though. That's so true with the kid pic.

Nobody cares about what you looked like as a kid. A lot of people do that. I don't get it. But all right, whatever. It's very arrogant. It's kind of like, look how cute I was. That's what it is. Look how cute I was. Yeah. All right. It's hard to be a not cute kid. Most kids are cute. It's true. Yeah. Show me an ugly kid. Then I'll be interested. All right. That's a real pedophile, by the way.

By the way, a lot of kids are cute in Hollywood and then get ugly. Yeah. That kid who was in Jerry Maguire, there was nobody cuter than that kid. He's like shredded now, though, isn't he? Oh, is he? I think so. Oh, okay. Oh, that kid was adorable. Adorable! Jesus! I don't even like kids, and I was like, this kid's great. Yeah. And then... Well, a lot of what makes a kid cute can make you kind of awkward looking as an adult. That's true. Like a big head, like Haley Joel Osment. I was going to say him next. He got weird looking. But he's... I mean, he's...

He's still a great actor though. Great actor. He's filming like Silicon Valley. But yeah, as a kid, you're like adorable kid. Yeah. It's hard to pull off. It's tough. It's tough. Yeah. You grow up how you grow up.

I'd like to see ugly kid, good looking adult. I wonder if there's a... I feel like that's a lot of models. Yeah, they always say, I was awkward. I was skinny. I was awkward. I was so awkward. And then you're like, all right. And then you see a picture, you're like, you were fucking hot at 15. Yeah, yeah. You were pretty. You had braces, but I can get over that. That's a hot girl thing. I'm so weird. How? How?

And no follow up. Yeah. She's a weird person. Why? Because you like like popcorn with like something instead of butter. Right. You think that makes you fucking weird? I like cold pizza. I'm weird. Shut up. We all like cold pizza. That's not interesting. You're six feet, 110 pounds. Yeah. And you've got big tits somehow. Somehow. I'm weird. I'm so weird. And then I go, I'm working on this pedophile bit. And they go, I got to get out of here. I thought you were weird. Where's the weirdness?

All right, this bit, I've been trying to crack this joke for 20 years. I can't do it. I might have run it by you before, but I'm just so... That's the problem with drinking, like we do. I know. But I'm just so into the... I think there's something here, and I have a lot of these bits where I couldn't crack it for six months, and then I finally think of it. We're detectives, brother. Yes, exactly. These are cold cases. Yes, exactly. Cold case files. I'm reopening the file. Let's do it. All right. There was a girl in a well. No. So...

I bought a car and my girlfriend is like, ah, I'm sick of the car. You're always talking about the car. I hate the car. I think you like the car more than you like me. And the joke is it's not that I like it more. It's just easier to understand. A car has a dashboard with nothing but dials and gauges that let you know what's going on. Women are very vague. Women are very silent treatment-y. You know, you got to figure it out. Cars just tell you, out of gas, E, overheated, hot, hot.

The engine of a car has never caught on fire and the dashboard says, I'm fine.

Like a car will never lie to you about how it's feeling. Good point. Yeah. So that gets a laugh. I'm fine. Women don't tell you when they're in an empty. They just pick a fight with you. Yes, exactly. I wish women had like a little dial where you're like, fuck, I got to make sure she eats before noon or something like that. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Then I have a joke. I'm like, and I've tried every angle all over the place. Like if women had gauges, it would say, I'm fine. Whatever you think. And I don't care.

But imagine if a car was like, do I just take unleaded or diesel? I don't care. Now it's broken. So like, I know there's something here, but I can't crack it. And the point is, if a car was like that, it would be unsafe. So what do you think I'm dating? Ha ha ha.

That's true. Women have no warning. A car at least will be like, hey, the airbags are out. Women are like, I'm just going to kill you randomly in your sleep. Maybe that's something. Yeah. I don't know. I can't. And then I have a whole thing about if your car is quiet, everything's going great with your car. Like, wow, it's running perfectly. Nothing that works well makes you guess.

Right. This is a relationship. You should just tell me. But we have to guess. A car is something that, like, it would never be like the Dodge. You have to guess how I'm feeling. Yeah. The new model, you know? Yeah, right, right. You figure it out. You should know. No car is like, you should know what I need. I don't know. Do you need gas? You should know. You got to tell me. I don't know your tank. But yeah, then I have another thing. But if a car is quiet...

It's running great. But if a woman is quiet, you're in deep shit. Well done. Yeah, good comparison. That does okay. But this feels like a big bit. It's a big bit. But I'm getting chuckles here and there. Nothing really is sticking. Maybe that's the angle. You're one of the best at sticking with bits and cracking them. I think cars and women is fun. Because I think the problem is men think women are like cars. So we treat you like, I need to fix this. I need to work on this. But women don't want to be fixed. They want to be heard.

You know, which is like tough with a car. You know, if a car, if the tire is going and leaking and you go, I got to patch this tire. The tire doesn't go. Just listen. Well, women will sometimes say like, I'm cold. They take my jacket. No, I just wanted to tell you I was cold. Yeah, exactly. No device does that. We look at things as very, you know, women are so they have so much nuance and cars are just like blah, blah. Right. So.

Yeah, there's something interesting about that where you're comparing like we're used to just trying to fix. Yeah, exactly. And women are really hard to fix. Yes, they want to be understood more than fixed. And that's where I came up with this angle, which I thought was something, but it's getting zero. All right, I'm going to tell the joke doctor. That's not me.

Women, we treat women like cars, but they're not like cars. They're horses, which already sounds bad, but hang on. Stay with me. A horse gets you from A to B just like a car, but it has feelings. It has emotions. It has needs, and we'd rather ride it without a saddle or whatever it is. Obviously, that's silly, but-

You know, women are more like horses because you got to tend to them instead of fixing. You can't just get a wrench in a horse, obviously. You know, you got to fix it or you got to talk to it. You got to emote. You got to relate, which is why women like horses. You got to feed it. You got to feed it. You got to take care of it. It's very expensive. You got to house it, you know. Now it's getting weirdly...

taking care of he but you see what i'm saying and i thought the horse angle would save the bit but it's not there's something to this there's something women are and then they're the heart the horse car compared i mean there's this is a bigger bit yeah women are like horses because you have to take care of them just to pet them and comb the hair they want shoes

There's a lot here. Does the shoes line hit? I haven't tried. I just thought of that. There's something there. Okay. Shoes are very important. Shoes are very important. That's a good line. And it sounds bad because I'm comparing women to a big, smelly, muscular animal, but it's part of a bigger idea. I'm not just trying to insult the ladies here. I'm saying, you know...

They're like a car, but with feelings instead of an engine. Yeah, that's the pause. They're like a car with feelings. They're like a horse. That's the pause you see. They're like a horse. Yeah, that's not bad. Yeah, so that's where I'm stuck. Give me a month, but it's going to take a lot of bombing with it. And this is the part of comedy that is hard, but also why it's great. Well, yeah, you stick with it. You get that reward. Women are like a horse. The difference is the horse knows where you're going.

Women are always like, where are we going? Where is this relationship going? Where is this? I'm trying to just. Yeah, because a car is like, where are we going? I'm wherever you want to go. I'm down. You tell me. And the woman's like, I want some say, which is kind of like a horse. I want a plan. Yeah, yeah. Interesting. A plan is important. Yeah. Also, I have a stick that I hit a woman in the ass with. All right. That's something. Is it? Yeah. Yeah.

Also, you still have a woman in the ass. Right, right. Yes. Aha. Okay. I'm thought this is too much. I was thinking like horses, like in war, I always think like when things get tough, you're like, fuck, take her. That's not it. That's not it. Right, right. Yeah. You want to ride it. Yeah. They're beautiful creatures. Yeah, exactly. They... Majestic. Yeah.

Yeah, it's interesting. But that's why I, because just the fact that you're noodling with this so much tells me there's something here. Yeah, no, I like your mind because it's always, to me, if you think there's something funny there, you know, every once in a while we both have bits where we're like, yeah, I'm not really feeling it. Right. I think usually you have big ideas that can be kind of play with because, you know, I love your bits. So I'm thinking of like the women, yeah, you think of them like cars, but they're really like horses. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I don't want to put too much pressure on you. No, no, no. It's something to think about. It is. The shoes, the butt slapping. There's a lot here.

And also, when I was a kid, every girl had a binder with a horse on it. They loved horses. Women like horses. They do. And a boy had a Ferrari or a Lamborghini or whatever. I never was that into cars. I wasn't really either as a kid, but I saw a lot. Like, I'd go to my friend's house. He'd have a big car on his wall, you know? Big poster. Funny, I see, like, Seinfeld or Leno, and I'm like, that's so not what I would spend my money on if I had that kind of money. Yeah, yeah. I'd rather a big house than a, you know, cool apartment. For sure. Yeah.

But, yeah, I get it. So, I don't know. I think there's something there, but I'll keep noodling. And you tell us what you think. I got a lot of feedback on the pedophile and food joke about bananas and avocados and all that. So, the folks are helping. They're tweeting. They're writing in. Give us your peeves, your whole thing. I think I'm missing anything. Oh, yeah. Did we cover everything? No, I was just thinking about the bit. Oh, okay.

Yeah, it's a heavy duty. This is the big bit. Heavy duty, which is what horses do. Yeah, you don't want to see either of them shit. There we go. All right, all right. That's something. Horses. Shoes. Horses sound like women when you piss them off. I don't know. They'll buck you off. Yeah. You do something, if you try to put it in her ass, they're like, get off me. Stallion. Seabiscuit.

Hmm. Secretariat. Jockey. Yeah, that's the only difference between horses and women. Horses like small guys. Ah, maybe that's an ending. I'd be better for a horse. What's that? You'd say I'd be better for a horse. Right, right, exactly. You think a small guy ever gets on top of a horse, you know, trying to fuck it, and they're like, at least he's small. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I don't want a woman to peg me. Maybe I don't want a horse to fuck me. I don't know. Hold on. There's a lot here. Well, we're noodling, folks. This is the writing process. But yeah, I feel like... What are we at, Matt? Are we good? Yeah, I think we got a full up here. Make sure to email us. We're going to do your Patreon questions. Sign up for the Patreon at patreon.com slash we might be drunk pod. Email us at we might be drunk pod dot com.

We might be drunk pod at gmail.com. Sorry, the booze is hitting me. Make sure to rate and review us. Follow the We Might Be Drunk Instagram page. Follow me. Follow Mark. Look for us on the road. I will be in Utah and Arlington, Virginia this month at Wise Guys and the Draft House. We already got seven shows in Arlington. I hope we add more even. I can't wait. Hell yeah. What do you got, Mark? I got all kinds of fun dates. I'm in Spokane going back to the...

P N W. As they say, classic club, great club. I'm in Hartford coming up. Tickets are horrible. So come on out. Connecticut's tough. I don't sell well on Connecticut. I don't either. Cause it's right here. You know, it's too close. Yeah. Portland, Oregon, helium. That's going to be a hot one. Syracuse, Toledo, funny bone, Houston, improv, Philly, helium, Buffalo, uh,

All kinds of Dayton fun stuff. I just added... Dayton is fun, man. I just added... Yeah, that's a fun town. I just added some more added...

Oh, me too. July 4th and 5th. I got Atlantic City, the 11th and 12th of July. Plug that. I've got Tampa, June 18th. These are June, not July. I know I said July. June 11th and 12th, Atlantic City. Tampa, 17th through 19th, side splitters.

Raleigh, the 25th or 27th of July. June, I mean, fuck, I can't speak anymore. I'm glad we're ending this at this time. He hasn't eaten. I'm in Atlanta. Yeah, oh, and send us some names if you think of a rye name.

Yeah, I love callback, dude. I like callback too. I like callback with a grungy looking cat. Yeah. You know, beat up looking cat with maybe a smoke in its mouth. Something fun. Yeah. Or the cockfight is kind of fun too. Cockfight is fun. I like callback with an old rotary phone on top of it too. That could be fun. That's fun. So send us some names and yeah, Patreon, Peeves, Rex, whatever.

I got a lot of good bands from, uh, I mentioned sales, which is a cool band. And so when people sent me a bunch of shit, so yeah, keep, keep emailing and we will read them on the Patreon. Tell a friend, see us live, spread the love. I get so many messages about Oscar Peters, Peterson. You guys are loving Oscar Peterson. So that makes me happy when Rex seemed to resonate with you guys. Yeah. Hell yeah. I'm loving it. Oh, some people messaged me, Bill Evans as well, who I love. I love Bill Evans. Uh,

So if you like jazz, check Bill Evans out as well. I don't know Bill Evans. Oh, you'll love him. Keep listening to the pod, man. I mean, I'm having fun. I think we're rolling. We're rolling. Go to therapy, tell a friend, and yeah, keep on drinking or not drinking. Again, guys, thank you so much for listening. We're having such a great time. And shout out to Gotham Studios on 38th Street for having us. Hell yeah. We love it here. We love Matt. We love the spot. You might have given away the address there, but hey.

Who's counting? Thanks a lot.