Chris Distefano Has A Pride Month Crush | Your Mom's House Ep. 765 01:46:42

Welcome, welcome to your mom's house.

Bye.

Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim if you shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, spend more.

Smile more. All right. We are fired up here. You're the fucking word. I swear, you drop, you say one thing 15 years ago. One thing. You know. Go for it. You're fired, bud. The cool thing about YMH is we have it all on drops. We do. We do. Everything stupid you've ever said is a drop. It's here. It's here for everyone. Hot sauce is the best. That one. We've got every dumb thing I've said.

every dumb thing we've all ever said, not just you. - Yeah, no, I know that's true. - Yeah. - Yeah. - So much stupidity. - So much stupidity. - Right here in one place. - Yeah, speaking of stupidity though, it's Heather, it's her birthday today. - It's a woman's birthday. - Yeah, it's a woman's birthday. - I think that's what you meant. - Oh, speaking of stupids.

How dare you? How dare you? Yeah. Do you want to sing to her? Absolutely. Yeah. Heather, for people that don't know, manages all of the social stuff here, all the social media. She makes sure everything gets recorded, uploaded, all the different shows. Like she's doing all that stuff and so much more. And it's her special birthday. It's her Smurf day. You want to sing her? She's not even 30 already. No.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ ♪ Happy birthday Heather ♪ ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ - How do you get a job here, you fuck face? - There you go, happy birthday Heather. That was a special version that we did just for you.

She's so sweet. I really love her. The beginning of the end, Heather. 28 is pretty much the end of everything. I think it's the last year you look amazing. Your last good year. Your last good year. Your 30s, you're hanging on. 40, you hit the wall. You start decomposing pretty heavy. This is the year to get nudes taken, I think. Most definitely. Yeah. Go from work today to get your nude photographs taken. You don't have to do it today, but at least sometime in the next few months, you should definitely do that.

Have it professionally done. And you're not going to regret it. You know? No. Do you feel vulnerable? Sure. But let me tell you something. When you're 45 and you're looking at those photos, you're going to be pretty happy you took them. I will say that the one good thing of being on road rules when I was 21 or 22 or whatever that is, is that I have a record of how great I looked. I was so skinny. Tits were huge. Tits were huge. Tiny little twig body. Stupid as shit. I mean, the stuff I was saying was so embarrassing. I was so stupid.

and my hair was dumb and you know, whatever, but I looked great. You look like one of those casting couch girls. Yeah. I thought, how much did I get? A hundred dollars. Okay.

You know what's so funny? Is now that I've been alive longer, I do see how dispensable show business is. Like the people, the women especially. They don't give a fuck about you. Like that Sydney Sweeney. She's got them big old naturals. She's got a great body. Face is okay. She could do a little improvement. But she looks good with makeup on. No, it's true. She's gorgeous with makeup. Not the makeup. I just watched a movie where she plays like a serious role. Look at her. She's stunning.

But you realize like she'll just be replaced by another big-tid blonde in like a minute. Yeah, so you have your minute. Yeah. You have your minute. This is why it's great to have video evidence of yourself. You know? She's got the biggest naturals. I know those are natch. God. I mean, her body is so perfect. Yeah.

- Yeah. - Fuck. - It'd be hard not to comment on those if you met her, I bet. - Of course, I would comment on them. - You know? If you met her, be like, "Hey, nice to meet you." - I mean.

I mean, no, she's stunning. She's really beautiful. But then again, she'll just be replaced by some other big tits. It's true. You do have a shelf life in Hollywood. And you know what the thing is? Instead of getting mad about it or fighting against it, just accept it and enjoy your time there. Enjoy your time. For all of us. And I think she really is. Because she's like, you guys are hating me because I have great big naturals.

Yeah. Because people were shitting on her. Oh, fuck them. Fuck them. Enjoy. Make your money, dude. Get in. Get out. I feel like, can I tell you, I've told you this. It's the same thing of like touring as a comedian. Yeah. You have your window. It doesn't last forever. You know? I mean, you can do stand up forever, but it doesn't like stay what it is forever. Right. You have a time. So just enjoy it. Enjoy your moment in the sun, my loves. Yeah.

And Heather, enjoy your naturals now and your body now, 'cause it's just gonna go downhill. - And this is it, Heather. This is the beginning of the end. - This is literally it. - 29? - 30. - Even grosser. - Gross. 35 for a woman, that's last call. - Oh yeah. - You're just practically, you should just be dead. - That's when people just throw food at you 'cause they think you're a junkyard dog.

I think also at 28, because I think that's such a great year for women. I really liked my 28th year. That's the year you and I started banging out. Remember, babe? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We were fuck partners. 28 was the year I met my, well, I didn't meet you at 28, but we got together. So it was a great year. Yeah.

I think you should start saving money at 28 if you can. Yeah, I think you should save it, sure, at any time you can. Like a, what is it, a Roth IRA? You can start that at 18. You don't need a lot to start that. The contribution can be pretty minimal.

Start saving money. Compound interest, baby. And then also, I think 28's a great year to start thinking about quitting your vices. That's a good one. Like, 28, I was still a pack-a-day smoker, and I was like, all right, when I hit 30, I'm done. So, like, I think you should blow out the cocaine use and...

Mushrooms, like blow it out hard. This is it for you. 30, you got to stop. Get it going, buddy. This is the year. Because no one likes a 30-year-old that's like high on Coke at the party and grinding their teeth. I remember actually turning 30. I remember turning 30 and being like, oh, like for some reason-

it felt like officially adulthood versus 18. Oh yeah. You know, 18, you're legally an adult, but 30, I was like, okay, everyone now is like, you're, you're a grownup. You got to start dialing in. Yeah. Cause 18 to 30 is just a party time. Like you should be making big mistakes. Yeah. You should be doing everything wrong, finding it, figuring it out. And then by 30, you should have a kind of a vision, right? Yeah. Yeah. So,

stop smoking and then start exercising. I made the mistake. I didn't start until I was 38 after I gained 80 pounds with our first son. Yeah. And I was like, let's just start exercising. Well, it's,

It's never too late. But yeah, if you get into your 30s and you're taking care of yourself, it's a much better decade. So much easier. And then your 40s will be a lot easier in your 50s and 60s. You're not playing catch up like me. Catch up. Oh, yeah, me too. I'm a fucking idiot. But your 20s, your body just bounces right back. You can torture the fuck out of it. So go for it in your 20s. Go for it.

See all those drugs and stuff now. So you got it. That's good advice. Yeah. Get it together. Get it together, fuck face. And take those photos. Anybody in your late 20s, take your pictures. Take the photos. You want to see it. Do your Playboy, Playgirl spread. Spread your beef. Yeah. Take a picture of your beef if you can. Yeah, it's not going to look like that forever. That's not going to look the same.

Take dick pics and frame them. Put them on the walls of your house. People are like, what's up with all these dick pics? I'm like, that's me. That's me. It's my pin. 28, yeah. So cool. Well, one last time, Heather. Did you throw up? What happened there? Sorry. Take it easy, fuckhead. All right, real quick.

I will be June 8th in Camden, Missouri at the Ozarks Amphitheater. Your vagina stinks. Yeah. Not your blood. Yeah.

June 12th, Wilkes-Barre, PA at Mohegan Sun Arena at Casey Plaza. You've just ruined your life. And June 15th in Bangor, Maine at Cross Insurance Arena. Is this some kind of joke or something? So get tickets at tomseguro.com slash 12th.

Thank you very much. Jean? Jean, the weekend of August 16th, I'm in Orlando, Florida. And then Saturday, September 21st, I'm in Fartnick's at Stand Up Live. Let me put my tongue in your ass. Cool. Very nice. The Raleigh Improv, September 27th and 28th.

You ain't got nothing? October 25th and 26th, Washington Dick come and then Boston massive huge tits. November 2nd, Donya Improv, Donya Beach, Dania. Hey, Christina. November 14th through 16th, the Addison Improv in Dallas. I want to lick them dro. God damn it, dude.

Why do you do this to me? Let's start the show. I'm really fucking depressed. You want to start the show? He's like a human cold sore. He just bums me out every time. All these guys are... What is this guy going to tell me? He wants to eat my asshole? No, no, no. Let's start the show. Let's start the show. Here we go. Here you go. As I touch the bottom of her smooth leg with my fingertips... Jesus Christ.

And then go up her legs slowly, slightly, and gently till I reach the top and then go into circular motion slowly, slightly, and gently. You tricked me, you asshole. Don't bring anyone loving to this. Why would you do that? Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. Mom Segura. And Christina Pagitsin. Christina Pagitsin. Welcome to your mom's house.

You tricked me. Yeah? You tricked me. I like this guy. Why'd you switch it on me? I like that he says these poems. I think they're nice. He's creative. I like that he's creative. I don't like these guys. You don't? Okay, I'll give you something different. Maybe something to cleanse your palate. Totally different, okay?

Hi, I just want everybody to know I'm very proud of my niece, Sarah. Oh. She is really smart. Yeah. And I'm very proud of her. Cool. And she means a lot to me. And I just want her to know that she is the best thing that ever happened to me and her mom. We love her.

Do you think her niece Sarah is as proud of her? Well, isn't this better for you? You like this more. I love these all day. Yeah. I just hope you're having a good day and a good morning and a good afternoon. Tight framing. Oh, I like her. I could watch these weirdos all day. Yeah. All day. This is for Sarah. Sarah. Yeah. Just letting her know that everything's good. Yeah.

we're proud of her she's nice yeah yeah she hasn't figured out how this whole thing works these videos i know pretty cool you know i've been finding um these videos of people that are getting those types of freckles tattooed onto their face it's very smart did you see those yet zolo yeah one of them's in the tick tock well you look at this you have to see this

This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. I think they mean us. With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, only on Peacock.

Summer is supposed to be an opportunity to slow down, but when you look at your kids, you can't help but notice that your kids are growing up fast. Help them build independence as they grow with Greenlight. Greenlight is a debit card and money app for families, where parents can keep an eye on kids' money habits while kids learn how to save, invest, and spend wisely. It's the easy, convenient way to raise financially smart kids. Get your first month free when you sign up at greenlight.com slash spotify.

- 'Cause I'm like, I thought people were always trying to cover up those types of freckles. - Here, I got 'em here. You wanna see? - That's what makeup's for, to make you look perfect. - I tattooed freckles for six hours today, which is like an ideal work day for me. My first client came from Arizona. This is the pre-draw that she approved. We did medium to heavy coverage.

and here's what it looks like fresh yeah it's intimidating it's super scary at first but it's gonna heal so beautifully here's a close-up shot of all the detail that we packed in each freckle my next client came from montana this is her third time we've been layering and building coverage over time so here are the healed freckles up close and here is her touch up fresh we started with light coverage and i would say this end result is medium to heavy the old and the new is going to blend

so so well together she does use tretinoin so her freckles fade faster than usual my last client of the day she is an la local look how stunning this heavy coverage is on her it honestly looks like she was like meant to have them it looks like someone farted in her face yes guys her glasses are clean sharted in her face look how stunning and beautiful she is i'm gonna say it again they're mini realism tattoos

Okay. Can you tattoo birthmarks on too? That would be really cool. Yeah, why? Why are people doing this? Back in the day, you'd make fun of the kid that had freckles on their face. Like, what's wrong with you? Just shows you how everything changes, man. People changes. People changes, and now they're trying, they're tattooing freckles on? Yeah, birth defects on your face. Fucking crazy. Why do you want fucking freckles? It looks terrible. Terrible.

Terrible. I'd cover everything. You're supposed to hide and be ashamed of your imperfections. Well, to like seek to like manufacture freckles. I mean, it's a naturally occurring thing. Just go out in the sun, dummy. Okay. Yeah. It's like people want to be different now. Whereas in our generation, the whole thing was to blend and assimilate. And now they're like... This girl had like perfectly fair skin, right? Yeah.

Look, where is she? I don't know. She's tattooing. The tail that we packed in each freckle. That lady, she probably had the most ideal fair skin you could have. Lily complexion. Wow. Yeah, and she fucked it all up.

That's so weird. Do you guys think this is cute? Like, do you know people doing this? I mean, that's what I was just saying. Like, I think it's lame as fuck, but I'm mad that I feel like I'd probably think it was hot if I didn't notice. Yeah. Shit, that's kind of different, you know? But you would think that you're like, she looks cute because she has freckles. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But like if I knew that it was fake, yeah, that's lame as shit. Yeah, that's not fair, right? Why don't you get some Morgan Freeman freckles? I was literally, I was just saying like, fuck it, I'll do it. Yeah. Let's do it. That'd be so cool. Let's get up. I'll pay for it. I bet you would. His are like raised moles. I want a lot of moles on Ennie's face. I don't know. You can, you can't manufacture that. Yeah. Those are, those are so pretty. Yeah. Get those done. Give me the Morgan Freeman's. Is that what you say when you go to the tattoo parlor?

Give me the Morgan Freeman face. I mean, let's not do this to each other. Jesus. Yeah, stupid. He's 85 now? Wow. He's amazing. No. How much do you love him? Love it. Love his acting. Oh, no. See, his are like part of who he is, right? Definitely. But that's natural. I know. It's part of who he is. And also, too, like that's not, I mean, it's...

You can't be as random as nature, no matter how much you try. Right, right. Like that is totally random nature. Yeah. You can't manufacture what that bitch does to you. That'd be hilarious if he came out and be like, these are actually tattoos. I started this shit. I just thought it looked sexy and I got freckles on my face, tattooed on my face. I started in 1951. Yeah, dude. Yeah. That'd be rad. He's so rad.

i like him too yeah that fits him though you know yeah i feel like if i got him you would expect me to be wiser you know what i'm saying yeah yeah yeah you're like dumb and you're like just like morgan yeah he's supposed to make you smart you should be a little smarter than that that's so true i can't believe your freckled ass is making all these mistakes

I heard what your dumb freckled ass said on the show yesterday. What the fuck are you doing, man? You got freckles. And I have to say, always as a rule, straight white teeth will always make you look so good. Yeah. Like clear whites of the eyes, clear like straight nice white teeth, it'll always help you age better. I got my teeth cleaned. Yeah. They looked good yesterday when you came home and now they're all brown again. No, they're not.

Yeah. I got compliments on my teeth from them. From who? From the dental hygienist and the dentist. What did she say? What was your scores on your... This is a dental update, by the way, and you didn't even... I know. Okay, so like, did she tell you your number scores on your gums? Yeah, she was doing... But then she goes... Ooh, they ones and twos? She was like telling me that if you drink coffee all day, it starts to erode the enamel. Sure. And that people who brush right after...

then you actually make the animal go away faster. Whoopsie. Yeah. I do that. Yeah. And not only that, I use a gnarly peroxide. Yeah. Like I strip it. You're helping to strip it away. Yeah. So she's like, if you want to do that, you brush before. Before you drink your coffee. Yes. So I do it before and after. Not after. So she's just saying walk around with coffee breath. No, wait 30 minutes because that the acidic, um,

qualities of the coffee are stripping the enamel away for about 30 minutes and you're, you're, you know, helping it strip it away if you brush right after. Yeah, I'm smart. I'm smart. I need to get my tattoos. And then she told me, she goes, so one day, you know, once it's stripped away, you can't do anything. I know. And I go veneers and she's like, you don't need veneers for a long time. And she goes, you have really nice teeth. Can I tell you the panic? I feel that my veneers are going to pop off any moment is so real.

- 'Cause it's happened and I hate it. It's terror. It's terrifying. It's not good to get, don't get veneers. - And then we talked about how people get big old chiclets when they get veneers. I was like, yeah, you gotta go to one of the top tier people that makes them look like real teeth. - Yeah, like these two are. - Yeah, they don't just look like,

- Big white. - Yeah, you gotta be real cautious 'cause they have to be a little opaque or whatever the word is that light goes through. So bad. - What was that Danny Aiello? He got the crazy ones. - Yeah. - He got crazy ones. - God, I could talk about teeth all day. It's fascinating. - Do you remember his? Danny Aiello in his later years. Poor guy, rest in peace. - Yeah, peace. - Peace. - You can't get them too white. - Look at those. - Oh fuck. - Yeah, they're too white. - He looks like a skeleton. - They're too big and they're too white.

Yeah. It's like the perfect smile. That's... Oh, shit. Those are too chunky and too white. Yeah. Yeah, they have to be opaque a little. Because too white, it makes you go like, what the fuck is that? You know it's not real. You're trying to trick people. Yeah. This isn't tricking someone. Subtlety. Yeah. You want to just do little tweaks. So I was looking... Son of Danny Aiello dies, so he's dead too. Oh, no. Look at that one in the middle there. Oh, 65. Oh, jeez.

He looks good for 65. I don't think that was him at 65. Oh.

I was looking at, I went down a plastic surgery rabbit hole yesterday because everyone's saying how great Angelina Jolie looks. And she had a little, they're saying a little bottom facelift and as did Tom Cruise. But they say you can see Tom Cruise's facelift because there's, you can see that they create like a second little tiny earlobe there. Because that's always the hard part is to conceal the scar. But she's, I don't know who she went to, but they're saying that she did a really good job.

And do you know that Kim Kardashian claims not to have had any fillers or any plastic surgery done? She says she's only done, quote, a little bit of Botox. Yeah. Isn't that wildly a lie? I mean, that whole family looks like they're put together in a factory. I know. Yeah. Yeah. Such lies. And she had crazy ass implants. Crazy ass implants. I mean, look at Kim before and after. There's no...

Look at that. I mean, why are you lying? She looked like such a dirty girl on the left there. I know, dude. She's every valley hoe I grew up with. You fucking slut, dude. Trashy little armo. Yep. She totally is. Yep. She's just every armo girl I grew up with. Yeah. Fucking hell. Yeah, there's that beach photo of her where you can see clearly how kind of distorted everything looks. Yeah.

- Yeah, but why, I don't know, don't lie. - They all lie. - And why are you lying? - They all have had crazy,

See, they lie about this and then the guys that are juicing all lie about juicing. You know the guys that are all super jacked? Yeah. And they're all like, nope, natural. And you're like, what are you talking about? Yeah, it's not. Look, everybody's doing it. It's not shameful. And if anything, I would go, yeah, I did it and I have a really great doctor and I can afford the best. Fuck you. Sure, just go. Go, spend your money. You should try it too, yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's okay. Yeah, why lie? Yeah.

Whatever. Whatever. Why are you beautiful women out there? I don't know why you follow me, but hell, I love you. Oh, yes, I love y'all. I don't know why you follow me. Good backlighting. Oh, yeah, you're all beautiful. I love y'all. Yeah, I love you all. Speaking of, I think he could use a few veneers.

Just one or two. Yeah. Some implants, teeth implants. You know what's funny? Earlier, I was playing some onkshine drops. And you know that he went dark on us? Really? Yeah, he disappeared for... No one heard from him for a while. And we kind of feared the worst a little bit because, you know, I've visited him before. Like, it's not the best area. And you just don't know, like, why someone like that disappears, you know? Your mind goes into...

to some pretty dark places, but the good news is he is back. Oh, thank God. Hey, y'all. How y'all doing? Good. Good. Thanks for asking. Y'all know y'all so beautiful, God. Yeah. Yeah. But y'all know what?

the only one i'm looking for is christina all right that's my baby i gotta take a i feel sick i don't know i'm trying to tell y'all now hey christina how you doing my baby okay oh you're so sweet he's back yeah i got it unless you want to say welcome back no i'm good thanks unc there's this tick tock would you rather going around that was like asking women would they rather

be alone in a forest with a man, just any man. Hey, Christina. Yeah, or? Or a bear.

And in this office, unanimously, the woman chose a bear. A bear? I would rather get mauled by a bear than sexually assaulted by, like, a strange dude. How you doing, my baby? Well, I think that is so insane that you would choose a bear over a man. Yeah, but bears won't rape you. A man will likely rape you.

If you're out in the middle of the forest, that's what we think about. The whole point of that. I know, but it's not likely. There are assaulters out there, but it's not most men. I know, but listen, the point of the TikTok was to raise awareness to men about how women, hold on, listen, think about threats in the world. It's meant for you to understand how we feel walking around in the world. I understand. I understand.

Is always on our minds. Literally, you're like, will I get walking from here here? Yes. A lot of bleeps in this video, by the way. Well, I know I'm just saying. So you're. What word can I say? S.A. R worded. The R word. The R word. R.A.P. word. No, I know. But what can I say instead of that will get us flagged? Touched. Touched. Diddled. Kissed. Force loved.

So you're trying to tell me. Yeah. It's you're walking on a path. Yes. And you're about to step in to the deep, dark woods. Yes. And they're saying up in you're going to follow this path. You're either going to run into a man or a grizzly bear. You're choosing the grizzly bear. Yes. For real? Yeah.

Because I'll tell you why. I feel like there's a variable chance that you'll escape the bear attack. How? I don't know. Do they always necessarily attack? Not always, but when they do, it hurts a lot. I know. I'd rather get mauled than forcibly love touched.

By a man. And every woman in here agreed? Yeah. Because the trauma of a mowing to me, I could maybe handle, honestly. No, there's no handle. It's over. The love touch, the forced love touch, which I do not want to ever experience a forced love touch. I hear you. We are afraid of you guys because you guys are stronger and it happens. I know it happens. There's so many...

I know less women in my life that haven't been forcibly love touched than half. Does that make sense? Yeah. Yeah, I know. And thank you for playing young shine. I'm on a nicer note. I'm really stoked that he's back. Well, and this is you, but that being said, I don't think that all men are, uh,

Love forcers. Do you realize what you're saying, though, in this? Would you rather you're saying that even though if you take the whole population of men. Yeah. The percentage of men that force love touches is actually pretty small. Is it, though? We don't. Is it? Let's Google. Let's find out. But there's also the concern. We don't know. There's also the concern of it being alone in the middle of the woods. Because I asked a similar question around the studio a long time ago that like.

If a dude and a girl went into a box and someone said, no matter what happens in here, you're not going to get in trouble. No one's going to know. Yeah. What percentage of men would assault that woman? That's recidivism right there. But at the top. Hold on. But what did you say, Annie? Oh, I'm just the answers were all over the place. Some people said 100%.

So if there's no repercussions, did you hear what Annie said? They asked men if you could, you're not even listening. If you could be alone with a woman and you could do anything you wanted with her and there are zero repercussions, would you forcibly love touch? And like almost a hundred percent were like, yeah.

No, no, no. I didn't say that. He said a thousand percent. Just kidding. How much did you say? I don't know. No, no. I'm just saying some people said a hundred percent. I won't say who, because that is a dude and he would, he's kind of saying that he would do it. I'm saying like, kind of didn't understand that he was saying that. But, um, a lot of us said high, high numbers, like 40, 50, you know, it's, it's unfortunate, but kind of high. And also, uh,

And also, if a guy's alone in the forest, it's like, what's he doing alone? Maybe he's a nature guy. Nope. He's a weird beard. He's an outlier. On the other side, the fuck are you doing alone in the woods? I know. I would never hike alone because I'm afraid of love touch. That's why I literally don't go walking alone, even in Austin, because I'm afraid of forced love touches. So do we have a stat here at all? This says 0.4% of men are convicted. Huge number. Are convicted. But if you go back to the original thing you found...

It said that on a college campus, 6% of college men are responsible for the majority of the- That's a lot though. Right. But that means that 94% are not doing that. So you're saying I'd rather roll the dice on a grizzly bear than- Yeah. I would rather die with a grizzly attack than survive a forced love touch. Seriously. I understand. Okay. I couldn't even imagine the trauma of that.

Go to your happy place for a happy price.

My dad works in B2B marketing. He came by my school for career day and said he was a big ROAS man. Then he told everyone how much he loved calculating his return on ad spend.

My friend's still laughing at me to this day. Not everyone gets B2B, but with LinkedIn, you'll be able to reach people who do. Get $100 credit on your next ad campaign. Go to linkedin.com slash results to claim your credit. That's linkedin.com slash results. Terms and conditions apply. LinkedIn, the place to be, to be.

What would you guys choose? I'd just rather die. I mean, as a man, I'm choosing a man. But I understand the thought of a woman choosing a bear. I understand it. It's insane. I also should say I'm mentally ill, so, you know, I probably shouldn't listen to my opinion, but I can understand it. You? I just think you have to look at, like, what's more likely. Like, even at...

6% which is probably on the higher side. Yeah, okay 94% you're safe a hundred percent of bears could eat you yeah, but the 6% is men who acted on it not men who would if they were alone in the middle of the woods and had a girl that was alone and You know like there's a lot of bitch-ass guys that would not do that You know X unless they were in that certain age. Yes, you know like like a lot like I

Dudes who are, I don't know, I guess like fucking jocks. I don't know what the fuck. But assholes in college will do that in front of all those people. That's the 6%. But that's not...

all of men but i'm sure that number is still lower than the amount of bears that would let's look at how many bear maulings happen because i i listen in my heart i feel like i can communicate telepathically with a bear and and he'll sense that i am typical broad i don't know i'll just like fucking get away okay dude since 1784 there have been 66 fatal black bears

Black bears are the ones that live around peeps. No, no, no. What about white bears? Yeah, what about white bears? How about grizzly bears? White bears are the ones that serial kill. Am I choosing the type of bear? Can I choose a black bear? Because they're pretty docile, no? Yeah, but most people are not encountering. This is a situation where you're saying that you're encountering a grizzly, like on this trail. That's the scenario. You decided it was a grizzly. Yeah, I did. All right.

Yeah. These are all the different bear attacks in North America. Brown bears will fuck you up. But there's like a handful. There are enough to list independently. I know, it's not a lot. But this is a random. There's more rapes. But this is a random occurrence. Like, this is not a person who goes, I am going down this trail and I know there's a bear. That's what your scenario is. All right. Still, I stand by my love touches. Okay. Am I not wanting that? Oh, yeah. Let's have you get a polar bear because you're definitely not getting out of that.

Now you want me to get attacked by a bear. I can tell you're upset with me that I brought this topic up and now you want me to get attacked. Just to prove the point. Yeah. This just happened. This one just happened. Oh, cool. In Alaska. My omic was attacked and killed by a polar bear in the small village of Wales, Alaska.

The attack happened at 2.30 p.m. The polar bear had chased several residents of the community before it killed the woman. Oh, no, and her son. The bear was shot and killed by a local resident as it attacked the pair. Jeez Louise. Rough, dude. Scroll further down. Is there more? So it's broken up by decade. Oh, I got you. Oh, I got you. I got you. Keeps going. Okay. Well. By the way, I'd like to thank you for pointing out that it looked like I had a herpy brewing.

this morning. I said no. I mean, you're like, oh, you had a cold sore? I thought, but you've had it before. It's not that crazy to say. Yeah, but don't say that because now I'm paranoid about it all day. Well, it's not there. So it was just, I just didn't see correctly. I mean, you're the one that got me my neck holder for my passport. Yeah.

I got to say, when we were in Italy, the one cool way to certainly spot a tourist is when they wear their... I keep my passport around my neck. You fucking dork. Will you Google that? That might be the dorkiest thing you can do. That is worse than being a rope dropper is a passport wearer. You fucking dork. Why are you wearing this around your neck, you dummy? It's a neck wallet. What?

Oh my God. That's the ultimate nerd. And by the way, it's not that cute guy wearing it. No, it's not. It's an old fat guy. Yeah. It's all old fatsos. By keeping it here, there's no chance of losing it. Yeah, it's cool. It's very cool. But don't you think some... It's definitely not that dude. No. No. Don't you think some rotten gypsy would just knife you and then rip that off your neck? I think the gypsy just sees you and goes, ah, this is the gypsy repellent because they know...

It's much harder to get into it here. Into the... Yeah. But they would just stab you and then rip that dumb thing off your neck and now they got it. I don't know. You can't put anything past them.

Dude, that driver, that was Hungarian. Cause he, we knew he was Hungarian cause he pointed out where the Jews are in Rome. Yeah. He also told us, he's like such a bummer. You can't say Tzigane anymore. I'm like, what? He's like, yeah, you can't call them gypsies. You have to call them Roma. He's like, you can get fined for calling them gypsies. I'm like, please. Can we fine them for taking all our stuff and moving into our house? Shit.

I do like what the gypsies in Rome were kind of, they're all talented. Like one of them was making like a sand mermaid in the sidewalk. That was kind of cool, remember? And then the other one was playing the violin. It's always nice to hear them or see their crafts. When they do that and their hands aren't in your pockets, it's also great. Or trying to get your passport from around your neck. Yeah. So discreet. So discreet. Such a cool way of doing things. Why don't we take a quick break? Oh, yeah. And we'll be right back. And check out my herpes. Okay.

I've said it a million times. I can't believe I don't have herpes. Really? I've never gotten it. I've never had herpes one or two. It's never probably on a blood test. Never had anything other than chlamydia and warts, but never herpes. But warts don't go away. Yeah, but everybody has the warts as the HPV.

If you're a generation, we were the last to get out of it. You're like a loser if you don't have HPV. Can we talk about Dodo? Can we record this? Is this being recorded? Yeah. We're rolling. All right. Solo's got it with his fucking Freddie Mercury mustache. There you go. Chrissy D, back in the building, everybody. Give it up for Chrissy D. Hello. Woo!

- Wait, so you're talking about HPV. You feel like if you don't have HPV, now you're a loser. - I kind of do feel like that. I'm 39 and my generation, if you don't have HPV, it was kind of like back in the day in like Roman times, if you were like in your mid twenties as a guy and still alive, you were just fucking gay. It's like, why don't you get beheaded

- Why didn't you fight anywhere? - In war, pussy. That's the same with me. It's with my generation. It's like, you have to have HPV or you're a loser. Like I wouldn't actually trust you. If you were like, I'm in forties and I don't have an STD, I'd be like, well, you don't have an STD besides warts. And if you said no to that, I'd be like, get out of my house.

but there's a vaccine now. So like your sons won't get it. Right. Or your daughter. Well, my daughters are sons. I don't know. They're too young. They haven't decided. Yes. They get to pick. And they will not. Yeah. Gardasil is the, is that's, it was the big thing now. That was the big vaccine. Yeah. That's the only one that people in my neighborhood probably won't get a fake vaccine card for. They're going to give their kids the HPV shot. The HPV shot. Yeah. Everything else is like, nobody, you know, nobody cares. No.

- No. - Well, you look good, man. You look great. - You think so? - Yeah. - Creatine, five milligrams. - Oh, fuck yeah. - If people keep talking shit online, I'll go up to 10 fucking pussies. - Yeah. Is this bulk season right now? Did you trim down now you're bulking? - Yeah, I got, well, the thing, no, what happened was, so here's what happened. - Okay. - Is I decided about six months ago,

I had a beautiful house on Staten Island. Just, you know, the king. If you want to be the king of New York fucking white people, then you got to live on Staten Island, dude. That is like a very, it's a choice, man. That's the spot. What about, that's not Long Island? I thought Long Island was for the whites too. Long Island is definitely. But I mean, if you want to like fly your flags of freedom.

Like if you want to go to a place where if you just hold up an American flag, you'll get a free slice of pizza, then you go to Staten Island. But we should make something like very clear to the audience. For people that don't know New York that well, there's a lot of shit talked about Staten Island by people in the New York area. Everybody talks shit about Staten Island, but they won't say that shit to our face because they have to cross a bridge. So they're not, they pop off all day, but you're not going to see-

You know, there's no protest. It just stands a little like literal island and I had a beautiful house there I feel like you know, I feel like I made it I had a two family and a nice Arabian family living down in the basement. They were paying half the rent I had everything that you could dream of her a pizzeria close to me. We had stuff going on and then I got anxiety and

Because I was doing a show at Radio City, which is a big deal for a New York comic. Congratulations. Thank you. And I got anxiety and it was misplaced in my head and I couldn't understand where it was coming from. So what I did was I created a narrative for my family and said, we need to move off Staten Island. We're not these people. And I sold my house like an asshole. And I moved my entire family of five into a one bedroom apartment in Queens. Why? Because I'm a lunatic. Why?

And so- You was into a one bedroom? Yes, like an asshole. Because I thought that we were going to get a three bedroom apartment and it didn't happen and it fell through. And my family hated me for a long time. And only now am I finally starting to get like, all right, dad, like, you know, because my stepson was like, did you do this? Like, are you not funny anymore? Yeah.

He goes, did your career, what happened to your career? Because his dad, who also does comedy, I told you that story, right? My stepson's father. Also does stand-up? Does stand-up. And he's a great guy. He does stand-up as well. So my stepson was like, did you like, are you not funny anymore? I was like, is your dad saying that? Is that what it is? Oh, damn. And then, and then, and then, and then so, so I just moved like an idiot. And now, yeah.

We're at this place where I don't have like a house. I'm like, I'm like, you're in the one bedroom still. No, no, no. Now we, now we're living again. Now we're living in an old lady's house that we're renting from, but I had everything. Like I had my whole, it was so easy. Oh, your anxiety is really great mortgage rate. And then I didn't know what was happening. And then I was in therapy. And then my therapist was like, I think that you did all this.

because you wanted to cause anxiety because you were nervous about Radio City. And I was like, I think that's it. He was like, I'm just, that's what I'm, because I've done this before. Like I got nervous because I really liked my girlfriend Jasmine when I first met her. I really liked her. Like I was like, oh my God, I like can't, I like, I love this girl. Like immediately. And she had a kid and I was like, well, the only way I'm going to feel better is if I also have a kid with her immediately. So I just trapped her and I wouldn't pull out.

And that's just how I am. So I'm like zero to 100. But I will say these last few months of my life, I've learned like that lesson of like this, it really sucks when your family's looking at you like, what the fuck did you do? Even when my two-year-old daughter is like, I don't, I like my, she was like, I like my daycare that we were at. I was like, you don't like this one? It's over the subway in Queens. You don't like roaches? So you think that-

leading up to the Radio City, there's anxiety because it's Radio City and you're a New York kid. And there's a lot of pressure for this to be a great night and a great show. And then that manifested itself into like, we need to move. I was like, I need to take the pressure off thinking about Radio City. So what I'm going to do is sell my house right now and then deal with that. Create that drama. I'm going to create that drama. And then because then what happened...

what happened to me and then radio city just came and went i don't even have i was in bed by 11 o'clock the night radio city it's like it was just a night i didn't even care about one of the great things about you there's many great things about you but one of the really great things is that you're one of the only people that i think

sees what's going on and actually talks it out most people even comedian friends of ours would have done what you did and still be like yeah so that's where i'm living in this place like they don't you actually face it no i i said at the closing of the house i was like i made a terrible mistake but then i signed it i was like i hope you guys enjoy your house and i also sold it for a

hundreds of thousands of dollars lower than what it was worth for. I also made another... And I had a 3.1% mortgage rate. Got rid of that. Just the stupidest things you could possibly do. Wow. I did. What did Jazz think about all this? She...

She wasn't happy. There was a lot of nights where I would just wake up to go take a piss and she'd be staring at the ceiling, just kind of like, you know, not sleeping. Like, what did you do? And I was like, trust me, it's going to be great. This is going to be great. And then it wasn't. And then, yeah. And then the night that we moved,

into our one bedroom apartment. I left the very next day and did shows in Vegas. So, and she was just there with the kids. So it was, it was one of those things where I was like, all right, dude, you're really screwed up now. But the positive is, is I didn't really lose. I mean, I lost the house, but I didn't really like lose any money. I just didn't make any money.

I didn't cripple us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But here's the thing. What is the plan now for housing? Okay. What are you going to do? So now, I don't know. So now, I'm living right now. We're renting this old lady's house. Right. Who's nice. Okay. In Queens? In Queens. Okay. And it's not too far from my mom. That's good. It's not too far from my mom. We got babysitting. Okay.

But I think what we're trying to do now is just, I've just accepted the fact that I made a huge mistake. That's good. Okay? I told you that there's many positives in my life. I don't have herpes, which I've told you guys about. And I cannot believe that I don't have it, but I do not.

um i'm i'm relatively you know uh uh i'm not a sex freak anymore i mean i jerked i told you i jerked off my pants early lululemon's in my hotel room and i had to change my pants but other than that i'm not hurting anyone um uh um other than my belly button but i i think that um

What I'm going to do now is just wait out this housing market. And I've accepted that. I'm going to have to pay a lot more for the mortgage rates have tripled. So I'm just going to have to deal with that. But I've kind of said to my family, we're doing okay. We have some money. We're not going to make any big purchases, even though I did just get a BMW X7 yesterday. Oh, my God. But that was, again, ill-advised. I didn't run it past my family. Sure.

And I said, Jasmine, don't worry. I can get out of it on Swapolice. But for the most part, I have some money saved. I have it in the market. I'm not, you know. I just did a special. We're okay. Yeah, I mean, here's the thing, too. You're touring. You're doing well. Well, I'm not on tour. I've decided to come off tour. Okay, you're off tour. I just was like, I don't want to keep leaving my family. I don't want to keep leaving New York. I'm just getting too much anxiety leaving New York. So how long are you going to go off tour for?

I don't know. Okay. Well, God, your life gives me so much anxiety. Just listening. Yeah. Yeah. My heart's like pounding. I know. I know. Well, here's the thing with the kids. Here's the thing about you're going to rent for a while. Yes. Which is a great way to save money because you're just paying a monthly rent.

It's a lot, lot less money out than purchasing a place. You can save money for a duration of time. And then possibly, depending on where you choose to purchase, you might not have to take that big of a mortgage out. That's what I'm hoping for. That's what I'm hoping for. But you're right. I am going to have to get back out there. I mean, I have some things on the horizon. Okay. But I don't know. Jesus, you do like, you do. Yeah.

Make me feel anxiety. Yes, I know. It's Chrissy chaos. It's Chrissy chaos, yes. But here's the thing. But here's the thing. Is I learned these, I've been learning these lessons the hard way these past six months. Because it was always like fun, right? It was always fun. I'm fucking around. Whatever I'm doing, everything's fine. Chaos, ha ha. But then over the past like six to nine months, I've had like meh.

major family drama, right? Like major family shit where you're like, whoa, okay. Like there's a lot of times where like we think we have problems. Yeah. But then you're like, that's not an actual problem. You're making that up. Sure. Like you selling tickets is not a real, that's not a, that's a made up manufactured first world problem. Yeah. But then when you have like a family member who's like a big, big,

big problem you're like oh this is real life problems when you have to like move then you're like okay now now i'm like i gotta get this together i gotta figure it out buddy because you know and then and then and then nobody in my and then also i'm not only running my family yeah i pay for other family members that's a big thing okay so you're like okay we got to figure this out how's tampa tony tampa tony's good

Tampa Tony's advice when I was going through all this was to move to Canada. That's good. To walk away from my family and move to Canada. So he was like, that's what you should do. But he's good. How's his health? Dude, he's lost 120 pounds. Wow.

He looks like a different man now. Okay, that's great. I'll send you guys a picture after you can put it up. His diet is he's intermittent fasting, and now it's gotten down to even crazier. And now he only eats one meal a day, and that's half of a tuna fish sandwich. That's it. So he eats half of a tuna fish sandwich once a day. Great. Maybe he should throw some vitamins and supplements in there. That's what I said to him. He can't figure out why he feels lightheaded. Yeah.

all the time and I've told him it's because you're not eating enough calories. And he was like, I'm restricting calories. I said, yeah, but you're eating like literally like my baby eats more than you. So he eats half a tuna fish sandwich a day and then he walks in the pool with water shoes on. That's very good. That's what he does. Mom's good. She's near you. Mom's good. Mom is good. Mom is...

The thing is, I think with... I have an interesting family, right? I have this family that I do all this comedy, right? You know, take care of them as much as I can. But I don't think they're necessarily proud of me. Do you ever get those feelings where, like, I'm presented like... Who are you telling it to? Yes. Dude, the last... Sorry, like...

The last time I saw my dad, I drove like an hour in LA traffic to kick it with him. And he's drinking and we're talking. And then he just gets up and he does the fucking peers. And I'm like, where are you going? He took a nap. And all I want is his approval. All I want is like, you're good, Christina. I'm a comedian. I made it. I have a popular podcast. I have a family. And he's like...

Like, couldn't give a shit. Yeah. They don't care, Chrissy. They are not proud of you. They don't care. But do you? It's anything. They're envious. It's, see, it's, but see, my thing is like, I get it. But like, even like now, you know, immediately come out. Like, this is who I am. I'm talking about cum on my pants right away. Yeah, yeah. It's how I've always been since I'm a little kid. And so, and so, but, you know, now that it's like in the public, you know, I'll post something. Like, I'm almost...

I'm 39. And I'll post something that my mom will text me. You need to take that down right now. You need to, that is embarrassing to you and your family. And I'm just like, I can't live. Yeah, I'm just like, I can't. So that kind of sucks. You know what you might need actually? Wait until they die. It's much better. I know. I want to kill them. That's when the calming really starts when they're dead. What about like a men's retreat?

Yeah. That's a great, oh, you would like this. What do you do? Well, this guy runs them right here. We had him on the show. I find it so cute and funny and kind of annoying that so many modern menswear leaders base their branding off of like Spartan culture and they call it the modern warrior journal or, you know, we're the samurai brotherhood, you know. Yeah.

Yet they never get naked. They never do ball cupping rituals. They never see each other's cocks. The outermost extension of each other's hearts are completely hidden by their Lululemon polyester underwear that's leeching feminizing chemicals right into their ball sacks. When really they could be leeching good high vibrational brotherhood vibrations into each other's ball sacks through cupping.

Which is exactly what the Spartans did. You know, if you claim to be like a Spartan samurai brotherhood, it's like the samurai were sniffing each other's balls. The Spartans were cuddling and sucking each other's nipples before battle on animal skins.

you know, the Celtic druids and, you know, the fierce kilted warriors that you see in Braveheart. Did you know they did not actually wear their kilts when they went into battle? They would actually take off their pants so their penises and testicles were exposed during battle and then they would moon the British with their buttholes.

All of that truth is missing from the Spartan ethos of the modern men's work movement. It's like you're going to call yourself Spartan. Do some ball cupping.

Wow. Right? I'm in. Yeah. That's something that, when does he do them? Where does he do them? Well, he's in Vancouver in BC. But, you know, he came down here and did the pod. Did you do some stuff with him? Well, no, we just, it was really about information gathering. Got it. Yeah, he runs a bunch of workshops. Now, is he a gay man, a straight man? You know, I don't know. He doesn't see it that way. No. Yeah.

No. Well, that's a big thing. What he's saying is true. You know, a lot of the... There's a lot of... You ever heard of this sacred band of Thebes? No. So it's a... That's why in the streets, you know, they call me Chrissy Thebes and I'll tell you why. Okay. It's because... Ain't this...

old Roman, I'm sorry, Greek fighting force that were like the elite Greek fighting force. What they would do is before battle, before battle, you know, they all had wives and kids at home, but before the night, before the battle, when they were on the field, they would all have sex with each other and suck each other's dicks just because they were like, the only way I can really protect my brother next to me is if I'm truly in love with him. I have to be fully in love with you. And they were these guys that, you know, nobody even called them gay back then. Being gay is like a new word. Back then you were just a, you were just,

that you were just a being. Yeah. So they, so, so ancient sacred band of thieves, that's kind of, you know, I, I,

feel like that's kind of where I go sometimes. Yeah, sure. But never full sex with a guy. But you still haven't had full, you've touched peener though, yeah? Yeah, I've touched peener, but that's just kind of like what you have to do in my neighborhood. Yeah, you know what I mean? There's all kinds of things you could do with this guy, by the way. What's up, Yogi? So me and Brian Crew just taught a really juicy anus workshop today and got a little bit into the prostate too.

And that caused some pre-cum to be secreted from my manhood. So a little bit of sperm detail, a little bit of testosterone, a little bit of spermidine, which is good for muscle growth, a little bit of nerve growth factor, which is really good for your brain and your nervous system.

What else came out? A little bit of vitamins, minerals, oxytocin, a bonding hormone, which lowers cortisol. So not only am I getting the benefit of the urine therapy, which is powerful on its own, the Shibambu, I should call it, but I'm also getting the benefit of the sperm, the semen, tiny bit of semen that's been mixed in with my urine. Oh, wow. That's very, very potent. I love this.

The thing is with this guy, it's like we could sit here and try to write and come up with bits and never be as funny as he is. Not even trying remotely to be funny. Yeah. What? I mean, he drank his own piss. There's a little bit of jizz in it too. There's a little bit of jizz. Yeah. Yeah. And a very strong prostate. I mean, yeah, this type of guy, I would say he's somebody that I would aspire to

towards being I would love to be that free like him and he looks ripped dude he's ripped yeah he's really he runs a lot oh my god there he is so in my live workshops we do a beautiful cock exercise this is actually inspired by a guy named Darius Bashar um

I want to get you into one of these, you know? I would do it! I would do it. This guy's not even circumcised in the middle. That's true. You'd do this. Yes.

I would, yeah. Chrissy dick gazing. This is being an altar boy. And then how about we go first? So we're going to look at each other's cocks and then take three deep breaths. Yeah, you both did. Disappreciating their dick. Because in Chinese medicine, the dick is the outermost extension of your heart. There you go. I've heard that. And then you say, brother, you've got a beautiful penis.

See? Oh, dear. Your dicks are touching. And that's it. Yeah. It's a men's retreat. It's a men's retreat, yeah. It's not gay. It's not gay. It's not, dude. It's powerful. You're just hugging. It's not a big deal. I would do this. I genuinely would do... Do you have any desire to do this, Tom, or not really? I don't know. I think I still have too much...

insecurity about it. - Yeah. See, there's a part of me that just feels like almost, it's not even like I wanna do this, almost like feeling like I need to do this. 'Cause you'll find answers about yourself at the end of this. You'll know. - Most definitely. - I can't tell you, I'm Chrissy Gray Zones, I can't tell you how much of my life is spent straddled in two worlds. I don't know so many things

of my life. I don't know, you know, you know, do you want to get married? Do you not? Are you white? Are you Puerto Rican? Are you Republican? Are you Democrat? Are you gay? Are you straight? Like, do you live in Staten Island or Queens? Who are you? Where are you? You're in the gray zone. But I feel like this. Once you, in a non-sexual way, put the head of your penis on another man's penis, you know. Mm-hmm.

You have to get some clarity. Do you think this would give you answers? Is that why you're curious? I do. I think that at the end of this, number one, you're in nature disconnected from your phone. You get butt naked. The insecurities have to go and you have to just be okay with your body. And then on top of that, you're touching your penis against another man's penis. A light bulb has to, something has to happen. Or not. Because if it gets hard.

Yes, you know. Or if you just, before you know it like that, you're on your knees fucking getting your uvula knocked out. You know what I mean? If you literally kind of lose consciousness and you wake up and you literally have just somebody's balls wrapped around your molars, you know what it is. Your life gets really fucking clear. I have now chosen the side. I have now chosen the side and I have said I am now fully aware

A gay for Trump, whatever it is. - We gotta get you to do this then. - I would do it. I think it would be one of those things where,

My family deserves this. My family deserves me going there. Getting answers. My family deserves me finding answers. My daughters, I need to look my daughters in the eye and say, girls, daddy figured it out. Here's what happened. And then bring in. What do you think Jazz would say to this? I think Jazz would say, I think Jazz would assume that I've done it many times before and haven't told her. Really? I think Jazz would say, like, for example, I farted yesterday. Just your casual fart.

and you know, fun outside, kids love it. And she goes, "You know, when you fart like that, it really makes me think you're gay." What? I said, "What?" And she said, "Because the sound that that makes, there's no way, like your asshole is like very, very loose."

And she was being dead serious. And she goes, and it's okay if you are, Chris, it really is. But like a straight man wouldn't be able to make a sound like that come out of their asshole. Wow. Now I got to hear this. Yeah, it was, I might have. Because Tom's farts are very snappy. She does have a point because your farts are very snappy and brisk.

Right. Tell me if you think, because I have, what I'll often do is I'll take, I'll send, I'll record farts and then I'll send it to my guy's group chat, but I'll disguise it. You know, I'll put in like go Mets or something and then it's a fart. So let me see. Oh, let's go Knicks. Let's see this.

Yeah. No, she's right. It sounds like there's come behind the fart. Something like that is too. And she genuinely, we stopped. We were on our way to Whole Foods with the kids. We were really having a great day. And she genuinely was like, I just feel that that's it. She's right. Something's going on with your ass. And then she asked me, she's like, you know, if you're not gay, are you doing things to your ass that I don't know about?

And I was like, I'm not, I'm just farting. Like I'm just, you know? But I hear what she hears. Yeah. That is a looser Angus. Right. Do you shart a lot? I don't, I don't. I have clean- What's been in there, anything? No, nothing. And I think, because I think it's one of those things-

it's and i'll connect this to the resurrection of jesus sure it and the case for christ on why he is what i think the truth and i think you know people who dispel his name you know will have a problem with me um but so here's how i'll connect it so it's it's it's not just one thing right it's not just one thing meaning i fart

I have this loose sounding asshole. She says, "This makes me feel you're gay." Now just that by itself is ridiculous. Just like you walking into Jesus's tomb and not seeing a body and saying, "Oh, he must have been resurrected," is ridiculous, right? If I opened your grave of a family member, if I go dig down and I open up the casket and there's nobody in there, you wouldn't say, "Oh, my family member has been resurrected." No, it's just one piece of evidence.

Couple that with me watching basketball games over and over and over again and kind of slowing down on Devin Booker, a guy from the Phoenix Suns. May I see him? Bring him up a little bit.

He's Devin Booker. I kind of always zoom in and out on him. I'm on his Instagram a lot. Do you know what I like on the basketball players? I like their compression shorts. Yes. And it's really the only reason I'll go to games with Tom is to watch them run in their shorts and see dongs flopping around. You like that. Yeah. Yeah. I get it. So you see. Oh, yeah. He's cute. I'll do things like that or I'll, you know. And she pays attention to that?

She's like, why are you always checking that? Well, she just brings it up because it's that couple, then it's coupled with, you know, when, you know, we'll kiss, you know, we'll do a tap kiss. And if we do any tongue, I'll go, ooh, you know, like I'll do something like that. I'll go, whoa, like, I'll be like, that gives me the heebie-jeebies, right? And I don't know why I do that. I just feel like I do that. And then, you know, and then back to Jesus' resurrection where like, it's just, you would feel that, you would feel that, you know,

His body not being in the tomb is not enough. But then you couple that with, well, now there's 500 eyewitnesses. 500 eyewitnesses. Is that right? That saw him...

that saw him after he died, then you start to say, "Okay, wait a second. So now we have, his body's not there and people have seen him. Now we have your assholes loose and you go, 'Ooey, wooey when you kiss me.'" - And you're always checking out Devin Booker. - And you're always checking out Devin Booker. Now we're painting a picture. Now we're painting a picture. - Have you ever done this? This is like the final stage of what this guy does. Have you ever done this before? - I have a hard time with this one. - You do this? - Oh yeah, all the time.

The airplane's going by. Then he says something. Okay. Good. Okay, hold on. It's not over. I'm just enjoying the taste of it. I'm shameless. I'm fearless. I'm doubtless.

- I'm shameless, I'm fearless, I'm doubtless. - Imagine feeling that strong. - I feel like that came out of you so naturally. - Next time Jasmine looks me in the eye and asks me if I'm gay, I say, "I'm shameless, I'm fearless, I'm doubtless." - See, that's what I get back to her. - Let me see. I haven't done this, but it is one of those things where

Now that I've seen that it exists, I've never thought about it. Why not try it? Right? The only problem with me is I don't jerk off north to south. Yeah. I think I've said this before. I lay down and I lay my penis on my stomach towards my belly button and I just rub the base of it. I almost rub it. I almost treat it like a clit. And that's another reason why Jonathan's like, I don't know what, you know, the way you masturbate concerns me. I lay back here.

Okay? Imagine I'm hard. I lay back, I get the bass, and then I just rub and I kind of hump the hands and then I shoot it up. That's how you do it? That's how I do it. That's strange. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know? Unique. Unique. You're shameless, you're doubtless, and you're fearless. I'm shameless, I'm doubtless, I'm fearless, and that's how I do it. So...

Well, you know what Will told us, that's his name, is that when he eats his own semen, it's such an act of self-love and acceptance. He actually was driven to tears when he was sitting in that exact chair telling us about the experience of eating his own seed. It's such an expression of self-acceptance. Right. And I feel like you would benefit from something like that.

- Yeah, because how am I gonna kind of be bogged down by anxiety and be upset about what somebody may say about me? My mom not being proud of me when I say I've had my own cum shot into my face. So what can really stop me? Again, we repeat, I'm shameless, I'm fearless, I'm doubtless. - You're shameless, you're fearless, you're doubtless. - So I think that...

He is actually, it's been only 20 minutes that I've been introduced to him, but it is one of those things where, it's one of those things where I don't even want to get his information from you. I wanna do the work and find him myself. Because that's how you know you really wanna do it then. I don't want us to get on a group text or anything. I wanna be like, let me find him, let me do this.

Because, yeah, I mean, that actually so far of everything, yes, touching another man's penis is one thing, great, but when you shoot your own load into your own eyelids...

It's how do you wake up the next morning and not feel confident? How do you have a bad day after that? - It's kind of hard to, I mean. - Almost impossible. - Yeah, you've gone basically, in a lot of ways, you've been to the mountaintop. You know there's no other place to go. - And it's also too, it's kind of like one of those things where I love Jasmine, I love my family. I wouldn't ever ask them to do anything I haven't done myself. So I'm here trying to blow loads on Jasmine's face.

I'll do it. I'll see what that feels like. And I'll go through that first. And I want to hear her response to that argument. Yes. Yes. Yeah. I'm almost confident I'm going to go home and my things will be outside. And I'll say, I know what it is to live in a one bedroom apartment. I'll just go back. Yeah.

Oh, so smocka. There you go. This is the guy I was trying to tell you, by the way, this other guy I'm going to show you right now that gives good advice. This guy gives good advice that we found out. Okay. If you don't work out right now, if you don't stop putting shit in your body, when you're going to be 60, your dick is not going to stand up anymore.

So it's very important to work out every fucking day so you don't end up like those old people. They can barely walk and they can't even fuck their bitch.

See? That's so true. You know, there's so many fitness people on Instagram telling you what to do. That makes the most sense. That makes the most sense. I'm more now at a point in my life where I'm less concerned about looking jacked or being jacked. I want to be flexible. Like I just signed up today at 5 o'clock. I'm doing a YTX yoga Texas class. I went because I Googled protein smoothies near me and I walked into this protein place and they had a yoga class.

You're going? I'm going at 5 p.m. It's yoga, like high intensity yoga. And I'm going to do it. Great. Because I'm all about, let's be flexible more than diesel. Like who cares? Because here's the thing.

he's right he's right you want to be able to fuck your bitch or a guy yeah and i don't care it like and also i don't think that women really care about what jack if you're being jacked i work out for other guys like i want tom to tell me i look jack you i don't feel like women really give a shit it's like what do guys think i look like right which i know is in is on the surface gay but it's not

- No, I actually feel like that's not gay. - Animals do that and it's peacock. - There's no better feeling actually than when dudes are like, "You look like you've been fucking hitting it." - Yes, because the women, what if Jazz doesn't give a shit? She's like, "I don't care. We had a house." - Yeah. - Yeah.

Can I tell you something too? Yeah. Whenever I see a nice, a man naked, like Will and his friends, and if I know that they're just even a whiff of gay, I'm not interested anymore. Really? Yeah. Like if I know that they're into dicks, I can't, like I don't like watching gay man porn. Some women do. No, I know. Some women love that. That's their jam. It's not my jam. I like, I need full, total masculinity.

Well, here's an issue I've been having. Yeah. And I don't know where I stand on this. I'm in the gray zone here again, but I think I'm not alone. Have you guys seen the show Baby Reindeer? Yes. On Netflix? We're a few episodes in. Okay, so Baby Reindeer. So the trans character, who I'm sure you've met already, his...

Yes. Right? That he starts to date and fall in love with Terry. Yes. Terry, yes. I haven't been able to stop thinking about her at all. And she consumes my thoughts when I'm every moment of my life, I'm thinking about her. Terry and Devin Booker. Yes. There's a video of her dancing around. Can we please pull it up? Yeah. Her dancing around. I've watched it on repeat. I've had to, you know, Jasmine's caught me multiple times looking at her Instagram, looking at her pictures. And I've had to tell her multiple times, no, it's for a bit.

But it's not. Can you walk me through the attraction? Because I'm trying to understand. Because to me, it looks like a very masculine woman. So it's like you like the woman look. Right. But you like a masculine woman look. Is that what you're... No, she looked like...

an Italian girl from Brooklyn or Staten Island to me. Oh, yeah. I can see that. She looked like that. And at first thought, I thought she was a woman. And then it's one of those things when I found out she was in fact a biological male and still had a penis, it made me more intrigued. Okay. So what's that about? Maybe you're really into...

trans no i've never been with one i don't i i don't uh watch their you know porn but you see that oh my god she's so pretty yeah look at how pretty she is nava nava mal nava mal she's super yes see this video of her dancing i've watched it multiple times and i'm really just looking at her feet and i like her feet and and and it's one of those things where i uh yeah

Because I did, and here's the thing, I did the research. Wait, let's go back up. Is that video loading? Let's see your feet, yeah. Yeah, I think there was a video of her dancing. I think it's loading up right now. Okay, so am I. I want to get my feet over my head and get back to my hotel room and shoot it off my eyelids to Nava Ma's Instagram. So, wow, followers have doubled. When I, the last, I was on her page about two days ago, she had 68,000 followers. Now it's over at 110. Yeah, see, Terry just dancing around. And yeah, just kind of,

Yeah. You like her paws? I like it. Everything. I like her. I was like, I was like wondering, like, I wonder where she, where that apartment is. She, I like her flowers. I like her kitchen. I'm just like, she looks like she would, she looks like she would tolerate me and not judge me.

Right? I like that. Yeah. She looks like she would... Maybe that's the hook, Chrissy, is that she won't judge you. Because she's somewhat you. I feel judged by everybody else. Like a woman will judge. Like your wife, for instance. No offense to Jazz. I think she's founded in her things with you. But she is...

judging, right? Oh, you're gay or not gay with that one. She's not going to judge. And I think that, you know, I, I, I delved into this and,

The thing that excites the straight male human brain number one the most is big tits and a big dick. So you don't even realize when you're watching porn, you will fast forward through the videos if the man's penis is too small. But if you see a nice big fat dick and some big tits, then you stay. And that's why I'm staying on her because I'm assuming she has a big fat cock. - And big tits. - And I've already seen her tits in Baby Reindeer. So I get stuck on her.

Now it's a fantasy, 'cause in reality, I may be like, no, you need to have a vagina for me to be in. But in the fantasy of it all, I'm with her. - But also you understand, right? 'Cause it sounds like you do, that,

Fantasies are allowed to be this. They're allowed to be things that you think about that don't have to be reality. Right. You can live in the fantasy and enjoy a fantasy without it being real. Yes. And you know what? And I feel...

good talking about this because I promised my family last week at a barbecue that I wouldn't publicly talk about any gay stuff or hypersexual stuff. And I looked them all in the eye and said, I won't do it. And then I'm happy I'm doing it. Yeah, you are doing it. But still, it's fine. It's just who cares? At the end of the day, who cares? Well, I'll tell you why, Chrissy, because we're all humans. We all have the same stuff going on. You're just saying it out loud. Yeah, people think about it. Sorry, this is buzzing. I know for a fact.

I know for a fact. Do you hear anything? Sorry, guys. Hold on one second. I just heard buzzing in my... Can you just check this just to make sure? I'm going to go pish real quick. All right. Sorry. We're back. All right. So yeah, so Baby Reindeer. I knew that my group chat, because they're not like... They watch sports. They watch hockey or whatever. But when my group chat, when my boys in my group chat started texting me, yo, you got to see Baby Reindeer. Wait till episode two.

I was like, okay, what's going on? And then when I saw what they meant by that, the trans character, I was like, here we go. Does that mean that they knew you would be into it or just that they were into it? They're into it. But they're not, they're guys, guys, blue collar guys, cops, firemen, so they're not going to outwardly say it. But I knew that one guy, I won't out him, side texted me outside the group chat and asked me if I knew Nav Mal. They're like, is any...

Do you know her? And I was like, does she do pods? And he was like, do you think she lives in New York? And I said, why are you asking me this? He goes, because I just, you know, I just thought she's cool. Go to her IMDB. Yeah. I mean, sorry, her IG. Yeah. I think she's, that apartment she's dancing around, it looks like a New York apartment. It does look like a New York apartment. And I said, I told Tom that I did DM her. And, you know, we haven't heard back. Trying to get her on the pod? But yeah, just to get on the pod, I just wanted, I'm just fascinated with her.

Sure. What's that? All the words...

Maybe if I get a sitcom on the air, she can play Jasmine. That's my way in. What I do like is that her boobs look natural. She had them done nicely so they're not hoisted up to her chin. She got big naturals. They hang nice. Oh, there you go. Where's that? Nice foot shot right there, I'm saying. Oh, yeah. Boom. See? Those look like that's good. And then if you go back, go back to that. Look at that. Yeah, her face is so pretty. She's an Italian girl from Bensonhurst, Brooklyn. Is she Italian, though? I don't know what she is. Wait, look at the quote on that one.

On that. Queer artist for Palestine. The next one over. But saying the same thing. The foot shot, for Christ's sake. Ya es algo del pasado. I mean, that's Spanish. She's Spanish and she's in the Yucatan in Mexico. But I don't know. Maybe that's why she's posting. But she's a...

- Yeah, so that show Baby Reindeer is wild. - Well, and she's putting it out there. Like she's probably single because all these are like to attract people. You know what I mean? - Do you think she's into men or gay men? How does it work? What's the thing? - I don't know. - There's no way to know. - We just don't know. - Look at her at the beach. - Yeah. There you go. - I mean, I'll tell you what though, the stuff that she's posting will appeal to men. - This is for men? - Yeah. - This is for straight men? - Yeah, it's not, oh, well. - Yeah, it could be her with her.

I don't know. I don't know. Well, let's see. What else? Because the stripper pole. Because she had a stripper pole in her apartment. She had a stripper pole. That's what she's dancing around in. That appeals more to dudes. I don't know. Maybe she's into dudes. I like it. What is that? Can you do like a wiki thing, like a bio, so we can maybe learn a little more? I want to know more about her. What does she say? When I think of the truth. Oh, she had a nice caption. It was deep.

- Oh. - When I think of Hasef, I think of truth. I think of vision that is unafraid. Thank you for sharing yourself and your spirit. - Who's Hasef? - You're unafraid, unashamed. - Unashamed. - Yes. - Oh my God. - Wow, connection, Chrissy connection. - What about, 'cause this is on her side, what about the Wiki one? 'Cause that'll give a little more. - Oh, she's-- - Nava Mao. Yeah, what was she born as? 'Cause I would assume Nava Mao is not her name, like she came up with that name, right? - Yeah, not her birth name. - Oh, Wikipedia, go down one more.

Wow, she's from Oakland. But didn't it say born in Mexico? She lives in Mexico City. Oh, maybe that's a Mexico City place. I could get down there. I heard Mexico City is safe. Who has lived in Mexico City, it says. Doesn't look like she has a Wikipedia page. How does she not have a Wikipedia page? We'll make one. God damn it. Born in 92. Okay, of age. That's good.

So that's going to make her, yeah, she's about 32 years old. Perfect. Perf. She's, you can't get her pregnant. That's true. No matter what. Most likely has HPV. True. At 32. When? Right at that age of just, she just missed Gardasil. Oh.

Yeah. Well, I hope you guys can make some type of connection. This would be cool. She seems like a good person too. That's what I was drawn to in Baby Reindeer. Her energy, the way she spoke, even though I know she's acting, how kind she was to the other guy. I liked it. Yeah. I like it too. And I like how they portrayed her in Baby Reindeer. It wasn't like...

like, oh, trans character. Like, you know how they always have to make it so heavy handed? It was like, she's just a person. She's a person. Yeah. That was nice. Yes. And then you, you like it better when it, see there's her in that girl again. Very pretty. She's got a lot of pics with her and other women. I know.

I think it's going to, so she might be a lesbian. Might be. Maybe. I think we're going to get to a point too where maybe in like our kids are just like, it's not even going to be a thing where nobody even has to like come out of the closet or say what they are. They just are. They're just hooking up or not. It doesn't matter anymore. Look, you can see her clamshell there. So, okay. So she does have a pussy then. What?

what she does she's post-op if she's post-op i'm kind of like look she pulls up the pants yo she doesn't have a dick yo she's got a vag see it's already a disconnect but see right here you're ruining the oh dude what is she posting bro whoa what what is this yeah you like that i like that so she's really putting it out there dude like she's looking for love but she has a pussy

I think so. Unless she... I don't know. I don't know the etiquette. Did she tuck, maybe? Right. Well, yeah, because she was shaking her ass like that. But her clam, you can see the clam. And you can see the balls. Yeah. All right. She's got a clam. And I think she likes...

I'm sorry. I don't want to ruin your dream. She might be a lesbian, dude. I wanted to walk in on her with her knees over her face, coming on her own face. But this is a very erotic video for Insta. That's big time. My goodness. Very nice apartment as well. Similar to the one I moved my family into. I have a five-bedroom house.

Perfect. Yeah, so that's... Wow. So it's interesting. It's interesting what gets you going. But I mean, right there, she looks like a Latino or Middle Eastern girl. Definitely. You know, like that's... That girl is like... I see that girl like that girl's a hottie. No, I think she's a really good person. I do get that sense. She looks like a Latin. She does stuff for other people. Good vibes. She's not just like an empty actress. So I get the...

I like that you have a new crush. This is really good. And she stands for Palestine like my young daughter. The older one I told you is pro-Israel. Oh, wow. That's quite a conflict in the house. I was telling Christina before we started, my three-year-old was at the Columbia protest yesterday getting involved. And it was a big thing because I'm paying for daycare, but she wants to go support Palestine. House divided. I know this one and the gays for, you know, she's queers. The queers for Palestine is, that's fun.

What's going on? Well, look, you remember when you did our live show? Yes. Was it traumatizing? Yes. Yes. Well, the, because the shit, I thought where was one guy that was, I mean, covered in, it was a, uh,

I don't know if you remember, but it was like maybe 50 to 75 pounds of shit, like melting shit everywhere. It couldn't be, it was like in mud, like a hippo in mud, but it was pure human shit. Oh yeah, I remember that, guys. That was crazy. And then you were dressed as the- Oh yeah, the big-titted animal. Big-titted. Yeah. If you had a dick, I would have been in. Oh, Tina. Yeah, you looked that. Yeah. Yeah, see, like, so Tina, you dressed as Tina. If Tom had those tits, I'd be wildly in it. Yeah. Yeah.

If I had a heart on? Yes, but because you have a pussy, I'm out. Yeah, gross. Well, we have a video that they just put in my folder today that I haven't even seen. But they said it's up there. Great. So let's see what it is. Okay. Hi, my name is Tom, and I'm a human toilet. Oh. I love to have my mouth used as a toilet and my stomach as a septic tank. Today I'm going to brush my teeth with my shit. Oh. First I'm going to put some piss in this glass so I can use it for...

Ransom. My teeth. Oh, my God. What I really liked, sorry, just to start, a couple things. There's so much I like about it. A is that if you just crop the head, you just look at his face, you're like, that just looks like a friend's dad. Yes. Who's really unassuming, and he works in his garage. Yes. He's like, did you see the game last night? Yes. Like, just the most wholesome-looking guy, you know? And also, he's introing it like it's an insurance salesman instructional video. Like, it's so normal. It's soft. He goes, hey, I'm tired.

Yeah. This is brilliant. The delivery. Hey, I'm going to do. But here's the thing. Here's the brilliance of this. Hey, I'm just going to do this super weird thing. And he's already shaking his head.

but the way that he normalizes it for us because he's like I'm just gonna piss in this cup here's what I do we're responding to his normal energy and also what I like is he's classy look he came out with a nice wine glass he doesn't have like a bullshit solo cup he's like if I'm gonna drink my own piss we're gonna get out the fancy stuff I respect him already also he gets into that squat so easily so he's flexible he's athletic he's all flexible I mean look at the way that ball bag sags it's not bad dude yeah

Okay. So this is just piss. Pissing in. And he's not circumcised, which is odd for an American.

It's a lot of piss. Wow. Wow. The color is pretty yellow. This is morning piss. He's behind you. That's my favorite kind of piss. Oh, it's morning piss. Oh, yeah, that's why. It's his favorite kind. I'm never into the shit. Oh, okay. Okay. I'm always amazed at the timing these guys have. Amazing. Just ready to go. How does he do this right away? He sends this in specifically for you guys, or this is a video you found? I think somebody found it. That's a healthy log. Yeah. Not bad. That's a big shit. Wow. Wow. Wow.

That is perfect. That's in any shit. That's just like the once a month. What I'll tell you about this is my very, very novice knowledge. I was a physical therapist, so I am qualified. It's a healthy shit. It looks like it would have been S-shaped. You see that curvature at the top? That means it's going through the colon properly. And he's not, he's eating well. Yeah. And it's high fiber. This guy is healthy. This guy's pretty healthy. A little bit of the smell around my teeth. Mm-hmm.

Oh my god! He's gonna eat the thing. It's so long. It's a foot long. Yikes! I'm gonna brush my teeth. That's like nothing. The piss brushing of the teeth is nothing compared to that. You're doing shit. Well, you're brushing with shit. Look at it. Look at it coming out. When it gets wet, it's bad.

I'm dissociating right now. Yeah. I'm trying to tell myself it's a brownie or something. You need to. Stickers. Yeah, something like Tom Papa baked it. I don't like that he vomits. If it's this nauseating for you, why are you doing it? He's a human toy. Oh, he's going to drink his piss down, which actually is better. I like that. This I can handle all day. Yikes.

Hold on. Now, is he coming off this? Is he rock hard? I don't know. It must be. Chris, I... Oh, and then he licks it off. Where is the hard-on part? You're right. Is it in the eating or is it in us watching him do it? It must be that. I mean, he drank his full piss. I'm sorry I couldn't eat it all. Me too.

I'll do a better job next time. - That's what it is. - You better, big boy. - That's what it is. It's the humiliation and he wants us to be horrified and he's like, "I'm sorry, master, I didn't do it all." - So that's for somebody, right? - That's for us. - So then what, do you think that his wife and kids just think he's in the bathroom? Do you think they know about this?

What? Because I don't know why. This is so dark. It's such a dark kink. I don't know what I'd be able to do if I kind of found a video of my font. See, because it kind of makes me feel like this helps me though personally because it makes me feel like, so what? I talk about how I want to jerk off to trans women. There's people eating their own shit and drinking their piss. They brush their teeth with it. It doesn't matter. This guy, who is this again? Tom Pearl. Tom Pearl.

Which sounds like a real estate agent. Yeah. Nice pillar of the community. Now, I don't, I wouldn't. Now, let me ask you this. Would you see a video of this? Would you see this and then not allow your children to hang out with his children? Obviously. Do you want to say something in the comments here? Obviously. Because they're spending the night. Hey, can I go over to Jimmy's house? Where's his dad? Where's Tom? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. He says, if one of you kids come back with pink eye, I'll be pissed.

It says here that his reason for doing this is that his family was really poor and he was forced to eat shit and piss as a kid. He now finds it arousing that there are people watching him do devious acts, which is his main reason. Well, I don't think that his family being poor has nothing to do with it. His family may have forced him to eat shit and piss, but it wasn't because they were poor. Yeah.

that you don't have to do that. No. You don't have to. I don't care how poor you are. You do not have to do that. That's true. So he was abused and then he grew up and now he's fetishized the abuse. But you kind of rather, if we're being honest with each other, at least he's not out there having sex with kids. Yeah. Killing, mutilating people. Oh no, I don't begrudge him. I'm not even like, oh great, I'm happy that he's happy. Like, I don't care. You drink your piss a little bit. You're not hurting anyone. I don't care. And end

I'd argue, who knows what the benefit, we have to talk to Dr. Drew about what the health benefits of this diet is because his shit is, that to me is a healthy bowel movement. And if you, if that's what it's fueled on is shit and piss. - Ultimately he's doing something right. - Something right and he's not hurting anyone. - Now, one thing I missed earlier is you were asking about the guy, you're saying is this guy gay? I didn't realize.

that there's a video in here from him about this topic. Interesting. Okay. So people say that my work is quote unquote gay and you know, I hate labels, but people just love to say, Oh, this is gay. This is straight. That person's femme, that person's mass. This is cis. This is trend. People think all these labels make them so unique when really they're all the same. They're just tools that the inorganic ones use to divide and control us in reality. It's a patriarchy. Now, this is not a bad thing, but in reality, it's,

You're actually gay if you don't do same-sex erotic platonic naked bonding. Because you're not going to have as high testosterone as the average dude in my classes who's doing this regularly. He's plumping up his balls through these ball cupping rituals and sniffing the taint and doing all these sorts of things that the Spartans did to

plump up their balls and testosterone levels. If you're not getting that vitamin of naked, erotic, platonic bonding, it's going to make you gayer. Right? If you don't do things that the matrix calls gay, then you'll actually be gay. Why? Because anything that the matrix calls gay...

It actually makes you straighter. It actually makes you want to eat pussy, right? That's what guys do. I like, I'll, um, I'll have dudes sign up for one-on-one coaching sessions. Like two dudes will come on the zoom call and I will show them how to do like rump bonding where they put their buttholes together and then reach around and fondle each other's balls like the bonobos do. And then the feedback is like, fuck bro. After we both had sex with our respective girlfriends and it was the best sex of our fucking lives, bro.

See? There you go. So he's encouraging you to just get out there and rub your asshole with another man. And then that will actually in turn make you straighter. Exactly. Yes. Get it? Very interesting.

Very, very. And also, this might be the video I would introduce to Jazz first. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. So here it is. You want to talk to, yes, you know what? You are correct. My asshole is a little bit more open than usual, but it's not because I'm gay. It's because I'm straight. I've been taking his classes. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm going to do a little bit more. Yeah. And then you're going to get the benefits. Exactly. Yeah. You've talked to me about we don't go do enough oral. Well, here's the route. Mm-hmm.

let me, I'm going to rub my ass against our friend Pete, who you know, and do that. And then I'll go down on you. Open asshole, open heart. Open asshole, open heart. Shameless, fearless. Fearless, shameless, and doubtless. You remember. I literally cannot wait to go home and eat my own shit off a plate. I mean...

Could there have been a better therapy session than the last hour here? Honestly, full disclosure, I had a therapy call today and I Venmoed my therapist $150 when I could have literally just talked to you with an iced coffee and a liquid death. And you feel great. And had a good time. Yeah. And felt like I've gotten it all off my chest and I'm clear. Yeah. Yeah. I'm clear. Yeah. As clear, as crystal clear as I can be. Chrissy clear. Yeah.

There it is. Chrissy Clear, dude. I feel good. I feel good about this. And you guys save. You save...

people thank you with this thank you because what we do in here is you just say look at this now you watch this you watch them eat their shit you watch them come in their face you watch them rub their assholes on and then you tell me Chrissy what do you have to be afraid of what what what is so bad about what you're doing and the answer is nothing I actually feel like since you've come in here I watched your

like your anxiety spike. And now I feel like you've self-soothed into like this really good place right now. I do. I feel the calmest I've been in weeks is right now. Well, there's no shame at your mom's house. We try to, that's right. We try to dissipate any shame around anything a human being can do. How are you guys feeling? Are you feeling better? Feeling great, man. Yeah. Can we do some, can we do some TikTok?

We only have a few. Yeah, there's only a few in here, but you can show it to them, yeah. Do you mind, Chris? You could do some talks before you go. No, I want to do them all. Are you kidding me? I'm here. All right, show them. Here we go. I'm here. I'm too old to get up. Those are bees. This is a gig. You want to clean out the bees? Jesus. No. There's so many. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That's delicious. So what is their job? Get the honey. I guess just get the honey, yeah. Wow. It's Asian. Yeah, that's...

That seems like not something that I want to do. Ever. At all. I don't want to do. I don't have any allergic reaction to bees either. I just don't want to. I'm scared of heights. That's a lot of bees, man. I'd rather drink pee than. Really? I drink my own pee. Would you eat a plate of your own shit or do that with the bees? I would do it with the bees. So you drink your piss, but what's it going to take for you to, I'd rather eat a plate of my own shit than.

Go for a walk in the woods with a man? All right, listen, I would rather have two cold sores than eat my own shit. Wait, what about what I threw out there? What? You walk in the woods and there's a man alone that you have to encounter or you eat a plate of your own shit? I'd do the man then. Wow. Earlier she said she'd rather encounter a bear.

A bear than a man? What's the reason? Because men give forcible love touches. If you know what I'm saying, we're not allowed to say what the man can do to you. And women are afraid of weird dudes. And a bear is just going to maul you to death. I was going to say, it's just going to rip your head off. How much of this shit do I have to eat?

You have to eat a plate, a plate. You have to push out what he pushed out. See, the thing is, that's such a big movement. I don't think I can eat all of that. If I could just take a bite of it, I would take a bite of shit. Over meeting, running into a guy in the woods. Because those guys are going to give you forced touches. Right. She thinks that every guy is potentially. I don't think every guy. I think a guy alone in the woods is a weirdo. He's a Ted Kaczynski, Unabomber weird beard. What if he's just meditating? What if he's just in the woods? That's different. What if he's just like an outdoorsman? Just, you know. Yeah, what if he's.

- What if he's deep in the woods to hang himself? And he's like, "What the fuck, lady?"

And I ruined it. Yeah, you ruined it all. He's not going to forcibly touch you. No. What does a forcible touch even mean? Like he's going to put his hands on your boobs when you say no? No, he's going to forcibly put his man unit in my lady stuff. His hummus cannon. Oh, his hummus cannon. Right. Yeah. Speaking. Yeah. The hummus cannon. Yeah. That'll solve. That's how you get peace in the Middle East. We got this.

little shit right here. We watched this earlier, but it's worth revisiting. I tattooed freckles for six hours today, which is like an ideal work day for me. My first client came from Arizona. This is the pre-draw that she approved. We did medium to heavy coverage. And here's what it looks like fresh.

Yeah, it's intimidating. It's super scary at first, but it's going to heal so beautifully. Here's a close-up shot of all the detail that we packed in each freckle. My next client came from Montana. This is her third time. We've been layering and building coverage over time. So here are the healed freckles up close. And here is her touch-up fresh.

This is so... First of all, I mean, this girl, it literally looks like...

Tom shit juice dripping off his chin speckled all over her face. Like it is. Yes. Why would you do this? Like she's such a beautiful girl. Why are you adding? What are you doing that for? What is the point of that? Just it's not whatever you have is not an I need freckles. So I need freckles. I'm going to tattoo freckles. You know what it is? It's the same thing of like picking my pronouns and being different and special. It's kind of a way to be special without doing anything. It's butt implants. It's the same thing. You're getting your ass implant. You could. You know, I mean,

No. You're manufacturing something that isn't real. Yeah, you're manufacturing something. And I think it's just a way to be like, I'm Zafran, I'm special. I've got freckles, hot dogs. Oh, these? These are freckles, hot dogs. Like, it's just a way for a girl to be like, it's my thing. And you can't remove them, obviously. It's not like a two-year thing. You've tattooed your face. That's what you did, but with birthmarks. Yeah. I don't, yeah, I don't...

I don't approve. I mean, Irish people hate their freckles. People with freckles hate them. - This is always how it is. If you have it, you're like, "Ah, fucking whatever." And then people go, "I want it." And you're always trying to get something you don't have. - You don't have. - So true. - What I think people should seriously start doing is throwing their legs over their head if they have a penis and coming in their own eyes. And then we'll see. I wonder if that's a good test. That's actually a good test.

My son, say, you know, I don't have, say my son is 18, 19 years old. And he says, dad, I really, I want to change my body. I literally, I hate myself. I want to put freckles on my face. I want to get a pussy. I want to, you know, tattoo my head. I'm going to say, son, listen to me. I'll allow you to do that. What I, I have two, I have two requests for you. I have two,

Two things I need you to do. One, I'm going to ask you to go into this room. Okay? I'm going to ask you to throw your legs over your head. I'm going to ask you to jerk off. Just pump it. Just jerk that cock. And I want you to come in your face. Okay? I want you to come in your own face. I want you to sit there for 10 minutes, see how you feel. If nothing's changed, I've left a plate and a wine glass. I want you to shit on that plate. And I want you to piss in that wine glass. And I want you to eat that.

Shit and drink that piss and come out and brush your teeth And if you tell me after those 25 minutes that you still want to change I'll pay for the surgery right now. I'll put it on my Amex If you don't then you don't and we can go back to the regularly scheduled fuck. Are you talking about? What's going on?

Okay, there you go.

Christina, why do you keep putting these in here? So he does these different scenarios to help women in sticky situations. Right. So he's like, play this audio if this scenario is happening. And he's gotten through a few different scenarios. But feeling unsafe during the solar eclipse, I didn't even think anybody had that one done yet. He did it. I just think it's great. It's, yeah, I mean, listen, there's a...

I get it. You know, like you, there's people are scared of the darkness out there. Yeah. Right. And that's what maybe he was referring to. Maybe it was. And burning your eyes and like having selfish friends that don't let you borrow their eclipse glasses. Yeah. Your friends are being mean. They're bullying you. And he's going to help you. He's going to help you out. I did the eclipse. I did it for about 10 minutes. Yeah. Maybe less. Yeah.

But did you see it get, did it get totally dark? No, not really. It got dark here. It was crazy. We were over, it was over quick. We didn't care. It got real dark here. It got dark. Like full, like it was the middle of the night. Yeah. At three o'clock in the afternoon. Yes, it was awesome. That's pretty sick actually. It was cool. And you just did it right outside your house? Yeah, yeah. And then the kids were like, and then they were like, yeah.

This is crazy. Is it night? Yeah. Christina's like, nobody forcibly touch me. For sure. I feel like I'm doing the words. All right, here you go. What's up, Stick Nation? I found this scythe model. I thought I'd take it for a spin. Here we go. Stick Nation.

What do you think? I liked it. I mean, see, like that, that kind of ancient warfare like that, that you'll get fucked up by that guy. Like that guy will fuck you up. He is, he had to have blown his brains out moments after this was over, right? He just pressed stop and then

Do you think he sniffs taints and cubs balls? 100,000%. What I see right there in front of me is a free man. Yeah, that is a free man. If you're doing stick videos, you're free. Oh, my God. Yeah. Well, see, now, Christina, that's a guy you don't want to walk in the woods and see. That's a forcible toucher right there. Yeah. And you can't do anything about it. Tom can't do anything about it. There's nobody. You're going to get sticked. He's got that big ass stick there. You don't want to walk into a member of Stick Nation. Yeah.

That's a guy who I would say, if this was ancient times, you put him in the front of the line. He's a front of the line person. He's in the army. That's a guy I need in the front of the line. He doesn't have any values or opinions. I don't care what he has to say about anything. I need you in the front of the line. That's who it is. And I bet you he's military. If you start a page called official stick reviews...

you are fucking that's crazy dude and he has several other sticks that he reviews and he finds in the woods I mean he's reviewing them all the time it's like having a five year old boy we do stick nation reviews every day come on look at those arms he's jacked up and my kind of thing is like you know like I don't know is he free or are we free because I kind of feel like yeah dude he's happy I wonder if he's happier than us

For real. Do you think that he, if you could just measure happiness, I'm talking about just happiness, nothing else. I wonder if he's happier than you, than all three of us.

Who've been very blessed. Possibly. Because I don't think that, you know, like with us, it's like you're always striving for more. There's always something else to get. You can't really realize what you have already. Wait, but hold on, Chrissy. He just wants a stick in the woods. But how do you know that finding the next stick isn't his thing? The bigger, better stick. The stick that's shaped different. It's possible. Think about the level of happiness he feels like when he found that stick. He was probably like, ooh, you got to fire up the fucking, put the tripod out. You know what I mean? He was like, I'm making a fucking stick review right now.

But then you think when he puts that down, he may be like, I could have done better with a better stick. Always. It's never ending for all of us. For anybody, right? Imagine he has that stick and he sees a lone hiker. He's like, I'm going to fucking make the stick meet that person's head. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, dude. I mean, how do you get out of the cycle then? How do you just get happy? Who's actually happy then? It's a good question. Do we know? We don't know. I don't know. That's the whole thing about life is you actually don't know. I don't know. Yeah. I don't know that the homeless guy isn't happy. People that tell you they're happy, sometimes they're full of shit. Some people don't say a thing and they're totally at peace. You just don't know. Right. You don't know. I don't know. But this guy, I don't know. The vibe immediately was happiness. Oh, for sure. And of course, the man is coming on his own face. Yes.

That guy's happy. I think it'd be hard. Will's super happy. He's probably running from something. I don't know what that is, but if we're just talking about happiness, come on. Not me.

Listen, I'm happy that you're here. This is fun. For those of you who don't know, if you're still living in the woods doing stick reviews, there's Chrissy Chaos, there's Hey Babe. There's also, you have a special that you shot, but we don't know when it's coming out. That's when it's coming out. It's probably going to come out December, January on a new, not a new platform, but they've never been specials on that platform. So I think I'll be the second one. That's exciting. Oh, cool. Very cool. The second one. And then, yeah, I have shows in the UK. Okay.

Coming up. That's my next big thing. When is the UK tour? June 2nd to the 9th. Amsterdam. Right now. That's actually right now. Yep. And then co-headlining with Sam Morrill in Atlantic City. June 22nd. That's what we're doing. The little co-headlining things. Why not? That's a really fun way. I did it. Here's the thing. It's a way less stressful time. Yeah. It's really nice. I don't have to deal. And I also don't have that much new material. You'll have a lot of fun doing that. You're going to want to co-headline forever after that. I'm serious. Seriously, right? Yes. Yes.

- Yes. Anyway, it's always fun to see you, man. - Thank you. - Thank you for coming and let us know how it goes at home. Please follow up. - Well, let me see. - Wow. - Open. - That was tight. - That was tight. Are you wearing jeans? - Yes. - Yeah. - So that's a straight fart. - That was a straight fart. - That was a straight fart. - Got it. - Okay. - Yeah. - Fair enough. We'll see you guys next week. - That was perfect timing. - Thank you. - Wow. - That was amazing. - How did you get that on time like that? - It's just, you know, again, case for Christ, God's on my side. - There's nobody better.

Oh, fuck.

I do a ball scene for like $1,500. $1,500.

And I do the eyelash on the balls, and I put my feet on the balls, like I'd be the ball queen. Which one of you dumb hookers out there wants to suck on my balls? Sniff my balls. Sniff my balls. Oh, fuck. Get your nose up in those balls. Oh, fuck.