Pooping on the Tires Set w/Shane Gillis & Matt McCusker | Your Mom's House Ep. 762 01:33:02

Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. This season, Instacart has your back to school. As in, they've got your back to school lunch favorites like snack packs and fresh fruit. And they've got your back to school supplies like backpacks, binders, and pencils. And they've got your back when your kid casually tells you they have a huge school project due tomorrow.

So.

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Criminals love those weapon-free zones. When guns are banned, then how the hell do we fight with IFR?

Nice. Truth. Now we've a choice. That choice is sweet. Vote for my man, the Donald Trump for commander in chief. Wow. Nice. Mike Pence and Donald. Fuck yeah. Shooting like stars. They love our freedoms. They'll take us far. I love him so much. This is an old one, but there is a more recent one that he's out in a field. Yes.

And he warns us to... See if you can find it. It's really good. And can I tell you, I've been singing it. That's how catchy... See, he's improved his songwriting over the years. Yeah, the newer one is fucking tight. It's fire. Let's see. To the revolution, digital market. Income. Fed spoker. Let's see. I pray our dear reader picks the honorable RPC to replace RBC. Let's see. RPC. RPC.

I'm not sure how RPC would be. I read the names over yesterday, ones that were appointed, but I forgot now what their initials all were.

Yeah, so some of the fans found him. That's cool. On his big show where he's talking about what's important. See, this is why I miss cable access television. He would be on it 24-7. That's quite a set that he's got going on behind him there. Can we give him a show just to broadcast 24-7? Listen, I'm 100% in on producing a podcast for this guy. Of course. 1,000% in. There is no pitch. Done. Done.

I would listen to everything. For sure. I love this. I'm going to lean towards short form. I don't think we should give you the four hours that you're looking for, but I think whatever you do in 30 would be amazing. I mean, can I, I just like the amount of thought he puts into everything. Look at his backgrounds are impeccable. The content is there. He's musical. He's thoughtful. Yeah.

He's got visual cues. Maybe once a month he drops a new fucking track on us. That's so rad. Like, oh shit. Oh man. My man Bill T's got a new one dropping today. Because here's what I like about him is that he's actually very intelligent. Yeah, he's a smart guy. But it's intelligence in service of mental illness, which is my favorite combo. I don't know if we're really recruiting him real well right now. Oh, sorry. I mean in service of great ideas. Yeah.

Yeah. Tom, how's your period going? It sucks. It started today. No. Yeah, I could feel it last night coming on. I wanted to die. Me too. I just like any minute. What did you do? Did you use a tampon or a pad? I put a pad overnight, yeah. Because yesterday you told me you put a pad in.

Yeah, sometimes I do that too. You roll it up and you put it in? Mm-hmm. Where'd you learn that? It was just something I learned back in high school. Like when it really, yeah. Doom and Gloom? Oh, Doom and Gloom, that's it. Yeah, don't blame me. This one's a good one. Yeah. Yeah, this one's a jam. My man has fingers on those keys. And he's in Nature, I like that. I like Nature. Third Eagles tune. Yeah.

I'm getting Stevie Wonder vibes. All day. Just skill set, I'm saying. Yep. William Tamplin. Just dance on those keys. Yep. He's feeling it. I feel it. That's original, too. How is he plugging the keyboard in out in nature? Wild. Doom and gloom, coming soon. Listen to 30 Eagles. Oh, that's right. He's 30 Eagles. Doom and gloom.

Damn. Ooh, night or noon. Okay. Interesting.

Oh, key change. Don't be dumb. Rapture comes. Long before the seventh. Fifth trot. Don't be dumb. It will be as in the days of Noah's flood. Rapture comes. Okay. What do you think his wife is like? You think she's like, oh, he's out there. She's doing one of his songs.

I think Bill, he's doing songs and I'm making him lunch. And I think what every wife does when you've been with a guy long enough, you just surrender. You're like, this is what makes him happy. At least he's not out at the strip club. Right. He's not doing drugs. He's not drinking. This is his jam. That's what he does. He wants to warn you about the apocalypse. Is he alive?

I think that's a recent one. Yeah, he's still uploading videos. He is? That video was 13 years ago. Jesus Christ! He's still at it. He's very old now, though. I mean, he's gotta be way better now. What's the most recent video?

- I thought this was recent. - What's the most recent William Tapper video? - Doom and gloom. - Oh yeah, he's been aging, okay. - Rosary Network. - Oh yeah, there's so many more things in the background. - We give praise and honor to the Blessed Virgin Mary because she is the woman prophesied back in Genesis 3:15 to crush the head of the serpent

And no other denomination, including my own Roman Catholic faith, teaches that truth any longer. See, at this point, his wife, this is just like the television's on in the background. It's just like, well, yeah, he's doing one of his prayer videos and he's talking to the idiots and letting them know. Or she's on board. For our WFRN families. What does that say?

Wow. What is WFRN? He's got a lot of subscribers. Is that like a regional channel? It sounds like it. Yeah. It's a radio station in, in Indiana. Is that where he is?

I wonder if he's there. He's got strong Indiana vibes. Oh, yeah. No, he's salt of the earth. You know? Yeah. Like, if you told me that's where he lives, I'd be like, yeah, that checks out. Yeah. No, he's very, like, Midwestern vibes. Yeah. No, don't you think the wife might be into it, too, though? She can't be against it. She can't be aware. No, I think she's of the same cloth. Yeah, she's, like, Catholic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But she's probably, like, I mean...

And he's helping, he's teaching, doing his, you know, informing people. I don't think she's aware. I'm going to guess she's not aware. She knows, she knows what she did. She probably met him and she was like, you can play the keyboard. Like that's cool. They met at church definitely. And he's a little more zealot, zealous, but she likes that about him. Yeah. Cause he's a man of faith. She's into the faith too. He's not scared to say what he thinks, you know? Yeah. She likes that about him. He's got convictions. Yeah.

It's very cool. Did you take any Midol for your cramps today? Not yet. Not yet. I'm going to though. What about a heating pad? Yeah, I slept with one last night. You did? Yeah. When, how long is your cycle? Six days. Oh, six days. And then how often do you get your period? Like once a month. Like how many days apart? 24.

One or so. 21 day cycle. That's pretty short. Yeah. What's your favorite tampon to use? Extra large, any brand. Any brand. Yeah. Do you like, which kind of applicator do you use? What do you mean? I mean, which do you prefer? I just lube up my, and I put it in.

I bleed so much, though. I have such a heavy flow. You do? Yeah. I didn't know that. I just want to be in bed right now. Me too. I'm so tired. Bleeding for days. Yeah. Yeah. Which kind of pad do you use? I forget. Do you like wings? Do you like a panty liner? Or do you like... I need a panty liner. Right now? Oh. It's your first day, though. You should probably... Don't you think you should use something thicker? Whatever. I need one for the back hole, too. The back hole? Yeah. Yeah.

I get so much diarrhea when I have my period. You do? Yeah. Yeah. It's always been like that. I used to, and now I don't. I get the opposite problem. You get constipated? Yeah. Oh, my God. That's where we're different. Yeah. Our cycles are kind of different now, huh? Yeah. Yeah. I just had a horrific bout in there. I know you did. I'll tell you about it in a second. Let's start the show. Oh, we haven't even started. We've been so enthralled with this guy. I can love Wheel of Fortune. Tomorrow's right in the butt. No.

No. Who is Ryan? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Where the fuck is Stan? Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. Welcome to your mom's house. Welcome to your mom's house.

Right in the butt. I forgot this one doesn't have the correct answer. Something is the best. I forget what it was. Oh. Hot sauce? This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. I do wish they had an adult version of We Will Purge. What? Like she's never heard of it. Right in the butt. It's not even a possible spelling of that. Right in the butt.

Oh, right. Yeah. Yeah. He's just thinking about it. He's just thinking about the booty. Is Pat Sajak still hosting this? I think he just retired, didn't he? Isn't this just like his last go around? Or he announced his retirement? Something like that. Oh, look at him. He looks great. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, final episode airing. One week ago. One week ago. Oh, wow. Okay. And then what's her name? Vanna White. Vanna White. She still has been on the show? So Vanna, they tried to get rid of her when she got too old. Yeah. And she put up a big stink and was like, no, no, no, you can't replace me. I'm part of the show just because I'm old. And she kept her job. She still looks great. Which is gay. They should have booted her. And just get like some young hot thing with big tits. Yeah, no one wants to see her old ass. No, but people who love the show love Vanna. I know, I know.

And then did you know that Christy Brinkley is 70 now? She's 70? Yeah. I just was on the gram. She looks great. What's going on? It's Charles and I'm doing stand up in some exclusive cities. Orlando, Florida, Phoenix, Arizona, Raleigh, North Carolina, Washington, D.C., Boston, massive huge tits, Dania Beach, Florida and Dallas, Texas. Get your tickets right now.

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Wow. She's 70 years old. Jesus Christ. Do you remember when she was like the standard? Of course. Like the gold standard. Yeah, of course. Of beauty in America. I mean, there's some incredible genetics there. For sure. Also some incredible work there. Classic surgeons. Yeah. That's it. You got to. Kind of makes me think of this actually. Just because my legs may be shaking.

That doesn't mean you're done eating. Okay. It doesn't mean that. You still got to keep eating for her. I got it. Thank you. You got it? Do you know what she's talking about? Yeah, I know. What is she talking about? I don't want to talk about her. Because her legs are shaking. It's so cool. She's so cool. Tanner told us you can buy her panties. And you can also FaceTime with her.

I know. I told him I think he should get on that. Are you going to get on it, Tanner? T-Money? Yeah, we'll hop on that stat. I do like that she's just like a normal mom looking type and guys are still about it. Like you don't have to be. Oh yeah. Guys are all about it. It's so wild. I know. It's so, and I didn't learn this till later in life. Guys are all about it. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Yeah. And we're all worried about being young and cute and things. It just doesn't, guys are animals. Yeah. Animals. Animals.

Sure. It's so disgusting. You've probably got a great following. Yeah. Yeah. It gives me hope in case you die early. I'll have to do this. That doesn't mean you're done eating. Okay. Great. Thanks, Tom. Keep eating.

You had diarrhea today. So let me tell you what happened the last like 12 hours or so. So. Yeah. By the way, I've adopted a new moniker in the office. I am the diarrhea detective. Oh, cool. Well, here's the story. Let's go through it. So I'll start with yesterday morning. Yesterday morning, I have the same kind of routine now. I wake up, I have a little coffee and then I have to shit. And I did. And it was a pretty normal one. And then I did cardio. I did the bike. Then we came in here.

Then I went over to the writer's room. I'm working on the Netflix show right now. So the writer's room is here in Austin. So the writers came here. We had Terry Black's for lunch. Hold on, because you're not done yet. We ate that around 1.32. Then I came, I went home. I had chicken and rice for dinner. And then around 10 p.m., I take a dump. And guess what? Healthy, normal, ideal dump. Mm-hmm.

That's at like 10 p.m. Okay. I'm listening. Then I got ready for sleep, went to bed, wake up again, go to work out. When I went to work out, I had my little bit of coffee, take a shit. It's a little bit looser, but it's not bad. Okay. It's still pretty standard. Sorry, did you eat anything besides coffee? No. This is on an empty stomach. Empty stomach. You did cardio. No, no, no. Not cardio. I went to work out, like lift cardio.

Oh, okay. So the dump is before the workout and it's pretty normal dump, like a little bit looser, but not bad. I have only had coffee and water. I do my workout about 45 minutes, go upstairs, uh, clean up, get dressed, come here. I've only had a little bit of coffee at that point, a sip of a protein shake, not even like the whole thing.

And I sit down and you guys walk in and I was like, I have to shit now. And it was a disaster. Horrific. Okay. Well, I've got a theory. Okay. I think the barbecue...

The barbecue is the foundational problem. You put some rice and clean food on top of it. On top of it, yeah. And then eventually it worked its way out, maybe. I don't know. This isn't really adding up as a theory because the barbecue was first and I had a healthy dump about...

eight hours after eating it. Okay. Well, I'm going to go with exercise with you because I know that exercise makes you brown. Sometimes it can, you've said it before. Yeah, that's true. Cardio especially, but I didn't do cardio this morning. But still you moved, you woke up on an empty stomach. Maybe that's, I feel like there's something you're omitting. Is there a food item you're omitting? Are we forgetting? How much of the, you said a sip of protein shake? Because protein shake can make you diarrhea. Yeah, but it's still mostly full. I haven't really...

Finished it. No snacks in the writers room. No treats. I didn't have any sweets. No, I didn't have any sugar. I'm still gonna go with the the lag on the Terry Blacks. You think so? It's a lot of grease. Yeah. Maybe you're pushing out just what was there lower in the intestine and then later your body's like oof like you know what I mean? Because you just traveled too. Yeah. But you had diarrhea there too. Yeah.

Because I don't know. It's a great mystery. It is. Let me think on it a bit. Yeah. I'm going to go with empty stomach and exercise, even though it's not cardio per se.

Sometimes that can loosen things up. Go ahead and weigh in on what you think it is. Yeah, wow. Let us know. I know that you'd want to see this because you're a big fan. I'm going to get banned from Disney. I fucking hate this guy so much. We're about to get banned from Disney. Last summer, I got my cake pops removed. And the plan up until recently was to get my marshmallow wand reconfigured into a marshmallow tunnel. Unfortunately, a few weeks ago, I noticed some hair regrowth on my marshmallow wand. That's bad.

because the outside of the wand is what becomes the inside of the tunnel. So you don't want hair growing there or else it's very uncomfortable.

I hate that he's doing it after. I talked to my surgeon and he said that it would be best to postpone the procedure until after hair removal is complete. This is obviously disappointing because I was really excited to have a marshmallow tunnel sooner. That being said, it is still happening. We're just not sure when it's happening. Hair removal is a fickle thing and it's really hard to predict when it will finish. But my hair removal technician thinks it will be before the end of the year. So fingers crossed.

Yeah, I didn't really realize that. I mean, it makes sense that the hair on your pickle becomes your tunnel. So if you have hair there, then it's inverted and you'll have hair growing inside of you. I know, but what's he going to do for the rest of his life? Once it becomes a tunnel, it could still possibly grow hair.

Do you know what I mean? That's so much. It's a really unique choice to use candy at Disneyland. Yeah, it's so fucked up. Well, he does this because TikTok will ban you if you make... If you use language like that. Yeah, this goes to restaurants and then waits to get misgendered by the Salvadorian busboy to ruin his life. And I absolutely can't... I don't care if they're trans, but... She, her. Yeah.

Sure. It's okay. It's all good. But it was not all good. I use she, her pronouns. I'm not sir. Yeah, like, it's like a knife in the heart. Yeah. I also, I did specifically ask ahead of time not to be called sir. Okay. Well, they had their balls removed, so that's probably why they're pretty upset about it. You know, if you have your balls removed and someone's like, hey, sir, you're like, I kind of made a big step towards this choice, if you don't mind.

referring to me as um as you should as i desire because my balls are no longer here i know but here's what it's always like sweet immigrant i know it's not it's not a guy who cares like tell it to like i arrived yeah they don't know my family i send the the money i make back to the salvador yeah they make five dollars an hour half that goes back to their family it's like

Okay, you're picking the wrong bites. I know. I mean to say wrong thing, please. I know. You're fired. You're fired. Talk to the manager. Like, stop. You're fired, you fucking idiot. I know. I hate it. And by the way, okay, I'm being a really catty woman right now. Fashion, it's not good.

You know what I'm saying? Like, I feel like I should start crop top. It's not, it's not, it's so hard to pull one. It's not like you need to be styled. Why can't trans men, there needs to be a service, um,

where they can have a woman style them because they dress the way men think women dress not the way women dress and his hair is fucked I think women in those tops before yeah in 1992 this is oh so that's an outdated top it's totally outdated this is like Mariah Carey in a video in 92 and like the hair is jacked I would straighten this person's hair makeup no bueno like this person needs a total woman makeover sure

I could probably help. Yeah, something tells me this person wouldn't want your help. No, because I'd be like, listen, bitch, you look like a fucking dude. Yeah, yeah. I think you're probably the wrong person. Yeah, you fucking... Yeah. Let me help you. Okay. I could help. I could help. But I won't. Because I hate that they get busboys fired. It makes me so angry. Do you get headaches when you have your period? I used to, do you? Sometimes. And you know what actually really helps? What?

This is really actually a super effective treatment for this.

- Is this real? - I don't know why we're not doing this over here. In the West, no one's doing this. - That's a lot of blood. Are we gonna stop or? - Well, you gotta get the headache to go away. - Where is he doing this? At the manicurist? This is not even a-- - It's like a salon, but the salon's in a guy's apartment. It's fine. - How do they, is that just like an artery? They just puncture an artery at the nail salon? - Well, it's how you relieve forehead pain.

Yeah. Yeah, they'd leach you back in the day. Just drain the blood out of you, and then the blood won't make you have a head pain. I see any not on board. What's going on with you? Why? Why? Why? Why it immediately goes to me? Because I saw your face go. Yeah.

That's fucking, what the hell is happening? Is he going to die in like 10 minutes? No, he's just going to have no more headache. That's it. That's all this is. The Middle East, man. I just got back from there. They're on top of shit. I like this idea. They are. Yeah. Yeah, we should be adopting this. That's what it's called. If you do that. Yeah. It's beautiful.

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Um, Dad, you should shop Amazon for back to school and save some money. See, I'm currently obsessed with superheroes and need all the superhero stuff. Superhero launch box, superhero bag. But next year, it'll be something else. Maybe dinosaurs? I don't know. I'm not a fortune teller. But I can tell you not to spend a fortune and shop low prices for school on Amazon. Okay, good chat. Amazon, spend less, smile more.

Pretty cool. Yeah. So there's that. And there's just, there's different techniques you can do to relieve a headache. Yeah. That is good. That works. Mm-hmm.

I know you would actually, this is the other one I wanted to play before we break. This is for you. I'm a city boy farmer, homie. Everything I'm doing is organic now, homie. Palabra. Check it out, homie. Check out the garden, homie. Yeah, it looks good. Check out the little chiquis, homie. We're doing this, homie. And look it, check out my huevos. Not those ones, these ones, homie. Organic huevos right here. Ah, chiqui. Tell them what's up, chiqui. Look.

This, by the way, to me, is what they should be doing in every prison.

Yeah. Norway has it down. It's a good idea. Where they do like, they have them farm the land and all this. This shit softens people. For sure. You know, like growing your food and working with animals, telling you the fact that we don't do this more. It's really a shame. There was a prison that was giving inmates cats.

Yeah. If they were on good behavior, they could adopt a cat. And I think that's beautiful because animals do bring out a softer side of you. They do. And they humanize people. And a lot of these guys are not good with people. Yeah. But they're good with, you know. They won't kill a cat. Yeah, some of them won't. Some of them will. Won't snap their necks. But some of them won't. And if they do, they're like, no more cats for you. You snapped that last cat's neck. If they start cutting them up like a serial killer. Yeah. Yeah. Totally.

Do you feel like that's less of a deterrent though? What's that? To go to prison, you know what I'm saying? I mean, look, I'm just going to farm. Fuck it, I'll go to prison. I mean, no one ultimately probably wants to be there. But yeah, if you're like, man, no one's really helped me get a garden going out here. All I want is to grow basil. That could be a good reason to go in.

Well, I think it should be for the best behaved inmates. Obviously the top 10%. Like you've proven you've been there for five years or whatever. And then one day you're like, hey man, let me grow some tomatoes, dog. You know what I'm saying? Prison's like, I ain't. I've been good. I haven't started shit. Oh, man.

I want to see what happens, you know? I want to grow my own lettuce and shit, dog. Yep. And then they do. Okay, you've been good, Joker. That'd be pretty tight. Or grumpy or fucking dopey. Fuck, let me get a goat, dog. Yeah, holy shit. Let me see how to get my own milk, motherfucker. Dude, but this is real. Remember when we lived in the Rampart Division? Yeah. Like, these fools have chickens everywhere, bro. Everywhere, yeah. Like, they were running on people's lawns, like, when you drive through our neighborhood.

Totally. There's a fucking. They do. And then our neighbor at one point had a rooster. That shit was waking the whole neighborhood up. Like 5 a.m. I got to say for like a city that size, that's the most impressed I've ever been with the response of.

of at like one of the, you know, like emergency type services. Not that it was an emergency, but we call it when you call it animal control and you're like, this motherfucker's got a rooster that wakes everybody up at 5 a.m. They came that day. Lickety split. Yeah. That's the only time I've been like, well, that's a quick, you can call 911 and be like, I got a shot. And they'll be like, we'll see. We'll see what we can do. I don't know.

But we told them about a rooster and they were like on top of it. That's California, you know, they care about the animals. They do. Dude, over like people getting shot. ASAP. They used to have gunshot tracers in our neighborhood. Yeah. The echo, they would, they would put these, you see these speakers up everywhere and you're like, what is that? Like, it's like a sonar. It can pick up exactly where the gunshot came from. Sure.

Pretty cool. And the helicopters? Choppers every night. All the time. That's how I built my love for helicopters, was living in that neighborhood. Now you're going to drive one. Every night.

they would shine the light in our windows. Oh my God. And now our sons, when we see a helicopter, it's an event. It really is like an abusive technique though. Yes, it is. Because they would fly it just around our building, shine the light in everybody. And you're like, what is this? What are you doing this for? And it's just to kind of terrorize you. Yeah. To keep you, you know what I mean? It's to keep you thinking like, you know,

We got our eye on you. Don't fuck around. Big brothers watching. But they did that in the San Fernando Valley in the 80s too. Like when I lived in Canoga Park. Yeah. That's what fucking LAPD does. They just kind of, you're right, slow drip. It's a slow drip. Like a menace. Because it was every night. Every night that light would come through the living room. Even in Tarzana, they would fucking shine the light in your apartment. And you're like, what is this? For what? It's abusive.

What are you doing? Let's take a peachy break. Okay. And then, where is this? Palabras. Palabras. I love cholos so much. Your mom's house will be right back. And we're back. And joining us from Matt and Shane's secret podcast, it's Matt and Shane. Woo!

Thank you guys for coming in. Hell yeah. We're talking about your unique features. Yep. You're both very super white guys. Hey, you guys look really alike. Are you related? Possibly.

Very likely occasionally I get I lose weight and people like then then we look the same. Oh, right. Yeah. Yeah Both from the motherland. Sometimes I gain like 50 pounds and I look just like Bert Yeah, yeah I get real red. Yeah, nice swollen and my Kidneys are distended and everyone's like you look like Bert. Yeah I get it

True. You get it? Yeah, I get Billy a lot, too. Yeah. He's got a bigger, big brother. Oh, that you look like? Yeah. I have a big little brother. Yeah. Did you guys grow up near each other in PA? No. You met in New York or no? Oh, in Philly. Yeah. Doing stand-up there? Yeah. So it was Philly before New York. Yes. How long were you guys doing stand-up in Philly?

I was there longer. I was there from like 23 till like last year. So the time I was 23, not 2023. Not 2023. Cause that wouldn't be that long. My personal 23. Yeah. Let's say I graduated college 2009, right around that. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, and then you guys go to New York. I didn't go to New York. You never went. I stayed in Philadelphia. The whole time. I couldn't handle it. That actually used to be my... You know when you start doing like club gigs and you're...

you know there's so many that suck balls and then there's ones where you're like man this is like a fucking treat I felt like that Philly helium was one of those surprises where like you get there for the week and you're like I'll just see how it goes and you're like holy shit the weeks were really fun there helium was the best that was the mother club was is it closed now no we just haven't done it in a while yeah they're successful and we started there sorry

We were there all the time. Yeah, becoming like a, getting five minutes on that open mic was life or death for so many people. Well, I felt like the whole thing was like, you know, like if somebody, I don't know Philly at all, but it's like if you're thrown in there

to work the club like that area that it's in was always like fun like it was fun to go out the staff was really cool yeah uh the the crowds were great so the whole mix of of the week was like a super fun week yeah it was cool too there was also an improv theater right across the street so you it was like kind of like the sharks and the jets oh yeah they see the improv kids yeah yeah

They're gay. Yeah. And they would talk shit on us and then we'd sell out the room and then they'd be out there with their parents. Yeah. The four of their parents that showed up. To support them. That was fun. Yeah. Oh, that's what I remember now. I was there for a week when I, I have this, a story in one of my specials about seeing a public fight.

It's about a racial fight. It's about a racial exchange. - Yeah, there's a lot of those. - And it was in that park. It was in a park in Philly. - Rittenhouse? - I forget. It's near maybe Rittenhouse Square. - Yeah, Rittenhouse. - Yeah, and there was, it was the- - Aptly named. - It was the- - Kyle Rittenhouse Park. - Right after that went down.

It was a guy who yelled, he screamed. That's why everyone, we turn our heads is that this white dude screams the N word across the park. And usually, you know, if you hear that in public, you're like, what's going to happen right now? Yeah, true. And then I just saw like a black dude who was literally like in some bushes, pop.

Like, he was just like, he was waiting. Like, he lived in the bushes and he popped out and he charged that guy. I was like, he's going to fuck this dude up. And he just went and tackled this guy. And then there was just people jumping on. I was like, this is a melee, like melee. Suicide. Yeah, that is. He went down the river and screamed the N-word. I'm done with life. It's fucking throwing the towel in for sure. There was a guy who hit the N-word, uh,

I think right around Rittenhouse. Remember that guy who gave a Black Lives Matter speech? It was one of the funniest speeches of all time. He's like this Italian construction worker from Philly, and he's giving it like he's trying to be not racist. He's like, I'm white, you're black, we're all in this together, we're all... Oh, and we're stuck. Everyone's like, oh, man.

Hold on, hold on. Let me finish the speech. Oh, no, I didn't know a guy did that. It was one of the best speeches of all time. He just crafted a way to say it. He was trying so hard to bring the people together. There's this guy one time giving a speech about racism on CNN. And he's a...

He's an Italian dude, and I think he's talking to Wolf Blitzer, and he's talking about racism and language. He's like, you know, when our people got here in, like, the 50s, they used to call us. And then he calls them, he says, like, it's some old expression I've never heard, but it's supposed to be for Italians, but it has the N-word in it. Yeah. And then you could see Wolf was like...

Yeah. Yeah. He's like, all right. Thanks, buddy. And he keeps doing it. And he's like, so people need to stop saying that shit. And they're like, all right, thanks for jumping in on this. We're done with that. You're the one doing it. Yeah. Italians don't like the race relations. It's not a good. Yeah. You want to kind of keep them in mind. You don't want to bring them in. Yeah. They have too many hot takes. You're like. Yeah. Yeah.

Bringing in a racial expert is never good. Yeah. They love to cry, too. They're like, we were treated bad. It's like, shut up. Yeah, dude. Not us Irish. Keep our head down.

Yeah, you guys kind of roll along and get along with most, right? Yeah. Who, us? Yeah. Personally? No, no, you guys. Not so much. You guys are super racist. The Irish kind of keep to themselves and don't... It's the land of poets. You don't catch a lot of strays. People are always like, we love the Irish. Well, that's true, right? Do people hate the Irish? No. Other than the British, no. No. Oh, wow.

- Right, yeah, that whole thing. - The Jews can be a little tough on the Irish too. - Is that right? - I was so excited for a millisecond and I was like, whoa. - I guess probably lately though, 'cause Ireland's very, very free Palestine. - Is it? - Yeah, like crazy. - Really? - And they always have been. - I didn't know that. Oh right, 'cause they feel like they're an oppressed people of that, right? So they see the Israelis as the oppressor. - Yeah, there's like murals in Ireland of like an IRA guy and a PLO. - Have you toured Ireland?

Only Dublin. Yeah. Yeah. But great. Love it. I had the fucking most fun. I think it was my favorite too. Really Dublin? Yeah. Super fun. But the Irish are always like, get the fuck out of Dublin. Right? Like when I was there, they're like, you got to get out of Dublin. What? And go where? Not for the show. Obviously the show is great, but they're like to see Ireland, they're like leave Dublin. Oh, to go see like the countryside and stuff. For sure. I went there when I was little. Good.

Good. I got hammered. I was 14. Sweet. They don't give a shit, bro. Yeah, they truly don't. You get faded. No, I was 14. I would steal pint glasses. Nice. Sat on one. Yeah, you're a real Irish kid. That's nice. Sat on one. Cut my butt. My dad had to check my butt in a gas station bathroom. I wasn't happy with that. It was like an Irish tale. It's like an old Irish story. Let me see your ass. I was like, no, dad.

You know, we usually play a lot of clips on this show. Yeah. And there's one actually from your show. Nice. That we love. Just there's layers to it. Okay. We've watched this a lot. It's very, very fun. Yes. What's going on here, Matt? Chilling, dude. Just fucking, you know. What's all this mumbo jumbo you've gotten yourself into, dude? Some of us prize fast cars, dude. It's just, this is my stuff.

This is what I ball out of. What is this? The fucking high spirits, dude. Key of G minor, 432 hertz. Seat on the insignia. Rainbow moonstone with the exact ripple that 432 makes on water or sand. This needs to stop. What? That's all I was going to say? Whatever this character is. This is one of my least favorite characters. This is one of my least favorite characters.

It's nice, though. It's kind of like, as a clip, why it's great is you having a specific kind of weird thing, and then you're kind of, you're disdained for it. Like, the fact that you're bothered by it is just an amazing clip.

Yeah, it is. That was funny. How did you get a love of flutes? I like to play instruments. You just decided to bother me one day. It was my older brother. My older brother texted me. He's like, yeah, you know what's sick? Check these out. And I was like, I looked at them. I was like, yeah, they are sick. Sick? My brother Tom and I was like, it's actually, so those holes are lined up perfectly. It's just a pentatonic scale. So any note you hit, you can't go wrong.

And you mentioned the Hertz's match. The 432 Hertz, yeah. Music traditionally is at, I think, 440 Hertz, and there are some theories that it's actually kind of bad for you, and you should be rippling at 432. And why is it bad? You should rip that 432. I think they say it has an agitative effect, whereas 432 has more of a calming. There's frequency research. Don't get mad at me. I'm not getting mad at you. There's frequency research.

I just love the idea of that. I don't know. It sounds good. It's pretty awesome. And you're nice at the flute. I'm all right. Yeah, you're good. That's a G minor. Because every flute's in a different key. You get like A, G. They are, yeah. So if you want to like jam. Well, guess what? We have a surprise for you. Oh, dude. You fuckers. You fuckers. Why are you breaking out the gloves? It's pretty big. This is a custom made.

Dude, thank you. F. Perfect. I can actually sing pretty well enough. Oh, double barrel boy. Yo. That's beautiful. Thank you. Yeah. This is a double barrel guy too. Don't look at me. Wow. Oh, it's beautiful. Wow. I feel like I'm in the Celtic tradition now and there's fairies and... He's shaking his head. Oh, I forgot. I forgot a note. Yeah. Yeah. I could tell.

It's hard because this is set up for a double octave. This is for another octave. Those are the birds. Of course. Of course they are. Oh, it's so beautiful. Gorgeous. I've got to turn down my headphones a little. Well, it's tough. I have to play this one side, otherwise it gets kind of complicated. Do you play both? Are you supposed to play both? Well, if you want to add an effect, yeah. Let's hear it. I don't want you guys to fall into a trance. Yeah. Oh, wow. Oh, I feel the resonance. Do you? Yeah.

This might not be 432 though. Oh, it's 432. Is this 432? Oh, it's 432. When you play both as if we're... Oh, wow. It's really good. It's gonna keep going. I'll keep playing for like three hours. Wow. That was really nice. Thank you so much. I could have played a nice Celtic ditty, but... I felt like that was. That was it? That was more Arabian. Best intentions possible. Mm-hmm.

They're blessing your feet. Yeah, this guy's cranking out 432s. Oh, they blessed it. Everything that is not supposed to be part of the religion. Get it out of there.

There you go. Damn, dude. Yeah, they blessed it for you. I love that stuff. Yeah, let's go. You know what, though? People make fun of stuff like this, but if the placebo effect, it's like the most consistent finding across all medical studies. So the placebo, like it actually works. Like that, like, oh, that's bullshit, but it makes them feel better. Sure. It's the most reliable finding. This is meant, this is directly to you here from the gentleman. The rare bird flute maker. I made this amazing flute for you.

As you know, I don't know if you've seen the video yet, but it's made out of sapele. Oh, perfect, perfect. It's tuned to F sharp. And I got it right on the back here, just in case you ever forget. And it is to the 432 hertz frequency that you absolutely love. Sorry for saying it wasn't. And what I did here was I put black limba bands on the top and the bottom of the flute. And then also match that.

I just got the chills. Yeah, I mean... A lot of thought went into this. Yeah, it's crazy.

was the holes on the left side. Makes it a lot easier for you to play. Well, this is a longer video, but we'll send it to you. Damn, that's so nice, man. Yeah, I'll play this when I get home. Absolutely. And hopefully you can play it on the podcast. Yeah. I could play that thing for hours. I don't, honestly, I don't hate it. Oh, you don't? No. Okay. I think he's really, I was shocked how good he was.

Part of the joy was that I saw happiness from you and disdain. And that was, I was just doing a bit. Damn. Yeah. Yeah. We're deep character actors. We're actually British. We're from, we're from England. Yeah. I get it. I get it. Well, I didn't want you to feel empty handed. So we got you something too. Oh, nice. Yeah. So they'll, they'll, they'll bring it in here for you, but this way you don't feel like, Hey, what Matt gets everything. So,

I wish I put on a better performance. I'm feeling really terrible. Right here. Oh, I see what that is. Yeah. That is... Yo. Guys. Damn. Oh.

Those are yours, man. Those are 432. Those are 432 for sure. This is big for me. Yeah. Right? Especially there's a shortage around here and this could honestly be a little bit to do with it. What's your favorite flavor? Spearmint, but you guys got all the good ones. Yeah. Yeah. Citrus and chill are two and three for me. Yeah. The odds of this are crazy. What's the flavor of chill? This was from the phone call from Victoria. Oh, really? Yeah. That makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, yeah, I was going to say that. Experiment's my favorite, too. Yeah. But I'm a rogue guy. I don't know. I mean, I'll do Zins for sure, but I always go rogues. But, I mean, I'm happy to. I'm incredibly addicted to these things. So thank you guys. Yeah, of course. Hopefully it continues. How long will that last?

Each one of those will be a week. Okay. Oh, this is a lot. It's going to take me to the fall. Each one will take you to 2026, man. That's great. Well, thanks for the gifts, man. Yeah, of course. Yeah, this is really nice. We're super stoked you guys are here. Does your wife appreciate your flute playing? She hates it. That's tight. She hates it. Nice. I'll have the kids yelling, too, and I'll just be blasting a flute, and she gets very upset. And you play other instruments, too? Piano and guitar, yeah. Dude. Really? You should have seen him on.

Kill Tony we did the live Kill Tony for New Years there was a guy playing guitar and Matt was like let me see that real quick

Shredded in front of an entire arena. That's pretty good myself playing though So that's the thing that all of us whether you play instruments or not when you do stand up in front of large crowds You always go. Yeah, but musicians man. That's gotta be God damn. I wish I was playing music. Yes It was one of the better experiences in my life really nice, but I couldn't hear myself play So I was just like but the crowd went fucking nuts. Yeah, they did I could tell everyone I was shocked. I

You started ripping it. Guitar is my real instrument. I can actually play guitar. Piano, I'm learning. And the flute, I did. Do you remember what you played when you did that? I just soloed. I just did like a freestyle solo. Actually, the same pentatonic minor. I took the blues scale. OK. So they were playing, I think, in like A minor. Were you a kid playing? Like you were always a? When I was a teenager, I started playing guitar. OK. Yeah, my history teacher. My brother taught me a little bit. Then I self-taught. Then my history teacher, I used to smoke weed with him in high school. He taught me guitar.

That's a cool teacher. He was a man. Is that allowed? No, he got fired. But he got fired because somebody, he was an atheist in a Catholic school. So they already had it out for him. But then somebody put porn on one of the school TVs in his homeroom and they used that as the silver bullet to just get him out of there. But there is always that one cool high school teacher, at least from the 90s, that would smoke cigarettes with students or get high. There's always one. Even in college, there was one professor who would get high with us. They usually fuck the kids.

- Yeah. - That's right. He didn't fuck us. He didn't fuck me or my friend, but I'm sure he fucked other people. - Was he putting it out there at all? - He wasn't putting it, okay, I will say here's- - I mean, being cool is putting it out there. - Yeah, true. - So he was newly divorced.

Oh my God. He's smoking cigs with high school chicks? Hell yeah, dude. No, even worse. You want to know when worse? Here's something so fishy, like looking back, dude. So I don't... I can't wait for this reveal, by the way. Looking back, she's going to be like, looking back when you would give me a back massage. Go ahead. No, no. Go ahead. I just didn't know that dudes were like this. I actually believed you guys were people and now I know better. I'm like, you're just horny and stuff. Anyway...

He's like, it was me and my other, a male friend, just a friend. For sure. We're philosophy students. No, no, we didn't. No, I was in the shirt. And this professor was like, hey, I've got this, I've got Annie Hall, this movie on VHS back then. That's how old I am. And I'm like, yeah, come over to my house. So he came to my fucking shitty house. This would piss me off if I were you, dude.

And we sat in my dingy ass, like, shitty apartment. Just you and him? No, and my male friend. And we watched Annie Hall, and nothing weird happened. But then he would invite us to his place for dinners and stuff. And he was always like, you don't have to bring your friend. He came to your house, like your high school house? Bro, my college, like, even, like, my shitty ass. I had five roommates there.

- Oh, he was a college teacher. - He was a college professor. - Oh, it's on. That's part of the job. - But he didn't fuck me or my friend. Maybe he's trying to fuck my friend now that I think about it, my male friend. - No. - He didn't try. - You can tell if he's trying to fuck you or your friend. Come on. - I was so oblivious back then. - He sat through Annie Hall though.

I know. I mean, he was definitely trying to get pussy. Yeah, yeah. Nobody sits through any hole. Fuck. Yeah. That's obvious. It's awful. It's so long. The first five minutes are brilliant and then it's just downhill. I've never seen it. Oh, shit. Anyway, he never fucked us. And he didn't do the thing where he was like, hey, fucking Rob, right? No. He didn't do that? And then I had a professor at Oxford one time.

who this one's even this one's shifty yeah I did a year abroad that's awesome yeah it was great anyway he was married but his wife taught at a in a different part of the city or whatever anyway one time he goes I forget how it came up he goes yeah Christina your

you're pretty, but not beautiful. Like he would cut me down a little bit. Yeah. And I was kind of like, I don't give a fuck. Like, why are you telling me this, bro? Like, I don't care. I don't lead with my looks anyway. Obviously I'm here in Oxford. Like anyway. And then, um, and then he's like, let's have, well, we should have drinks and talk because I had him write me a letter of recommendation to go to law school. And he's like, let's have drinks one time. And I was like, yeah. Okay. Like again, I'm so oblivious to men. Sure. Yeah.

And so we made it the school bar and we're having drinks and I, whatever he's saying is going over my head. Cut to, we have a dorm party and I bust in on him and the cross-eyed girl is

the fat cross-eyed girl in our program Frenching in the kitchen, dude, like fully naked out. And he's a professor. Yeah. You think he used the same line on the fat cross-eyed girl? Hell yeah, dude. You're not hot, but you're pretty. You're pretty. If you could fix that eye, you would be much better. It's nice to think about like an Oxford gentleman reading the game and just like picking up like the artist technique. Yeah.

Fat cross-eyed in the kitchen. We've all been there. Yeah. A little drunk. A couple drinks in. Start a straggler. I can deal with this. Yeah. Also, they get that. It's separated. Am I crossing the eyes? You're like, damn, am I doing that? Did you guys have any professors that made out with people that you know about? No. No.

I didn't really talk to my professors at all, though. I still huddled down, like, pretty high school mentality in college. I was like, you're the teacher. Fuck you. Yeah. I hate school. Yeah. So, yeah, I didn't really, like, build a... I didn't know you were, like, allowed to talk to them. Yeah.

Yeah. I would just like get down to class and be like, later. I used to throw stuff in college. That's how I matured. Throw stuff? I would throw stuff. What do you mean? Like, I would just throw shit. The teacher turned it. Racers and shit. Like high school, I would take this challenge and throw it. Yeah, I was in an auditorium room and I just pegged somebody and everyone was like, what the fuck were you doing? I was like, I thought we did that at school. My bad. That is. That is. So angry. You're so rebellious. It's the worst feeling. Thinking like, I'm about to do something cool. Everyone's going to think I'm the man. Day one of college. Yeah.

I did that in Spain. I lived in Spain and I went out, I was teaching English and I went out with all these teachers. What city were you in? I was in Madrid. Oh yeah. And I was with all these teachers and we went to like a concert and I was like, oh, we're going to get fucked up. Right. And in Spain, they don't drink like that. They're drinking like very slow. And I was like, Hey everyone, watch this. And I bit the top off a beer and jugged it. And they were all like,

No, no, no, no, no. Like they grabbed my arm while I was doing it. And a couple left. Two of them left. They were like, we don't want to be with this guy. This guy's an animal. I'm sorry. I did a semester there too. Really? Yeah. It was great. Loved it. Madrid rules. That's awesome. Love Madrid. I just did it on tour too. Really? It was fucking awesome. Yeah. You can speak.

Yeah, but I did an hour in English. Oh, nice. And I just did the end in Spanish, yeah. Damn. Yeah, that's good. They don't have a lot of... And people complained. The Americans that were at the show, they were like, what the fuck was up with the Spanish part? And I was like, we're in Madrid. You're in a Spanish-speaking country. That's so funny. That's awesome. Yeah. They're fucking assholes. Stupid. Yeah, everyone's... Every guy's always trying to get...

See, he's just doing this.

Because there's eight chicks that'll be like, yeah, fuck that guy. Yeah, for sure. Like, that's so cool that he knows how to speak Latin. I wish a drunk driver just... Some guy listening to Thin Lizzy. Just shit face. Bam! Just fucking crashes into him.

Yeah, this is definitely a guy, possibly the horniest dude. Once you hit this level, you are absolutely brimming with it. Because you've tried other stuff. Skateboarding. You've tried having short hair. You've tried shaving. So true. It hasn't worked for you. These guys are the low-key players. They fuck the whole campus, bro, but they don't talk about it.

But you morph into this. This isn't like a way. But they make friends with girls. White Dreads weed guy at college, yes. That guy gets laid, homie, because he's got the good drugs and he's not going to put it out there that he fucked you and your friends. So you'll bang him because he's cool. I've interacted with people like this actually a lot and I used to envy them. Because I remember I was married before and I got divorced, unfortunately. But it was like, well, fortunately, I guess I have my kids now. But like...

I remember like trying to make like a regular wife like give her like a vacation and like dude and then he like showed this lady a rock and she was overjoyed and I was like fuck. Just showing her the rock. She was so happy. He gave her a something like I don't know if it was even a crystal necessarily. It was just a dirty rock. Just like a cool quartz thing. I guess that's a crystal but like I remember thinking like damn

These guys also are very, I mean, I don't know that guy, but hippies are very treacherous. Yeah. Because they all just want to sustain this lifestyle where they can go follow like a Grateful Dead covered band and they would rip each other off and like it's very, it's a cutthroat existence.

It's a true story. I'm friends with two hippies that got married and like treachery, bro. They ended up being swingers and he impregnated some other chick. Now he's a shaman and like, no, it's just so shady. Yeah. Run away from those guys. Run. Run.

Sometimes you can't, though. They just fucking... They get you in. With their light work? True. Yeah, if you're on like an eighth of mushrooms at like the Splintered Sunlight show, they'll get you. Yeah, you're getting fingered by that guy. I mean, this is just all nonsense. And he'll tell you I'm fluent. That's the thing. He's like, you didn't do shit. He's like, oh, I speak this light language. He speaks nine dead languages. I can teach you.

That's how he gets the girl over. He's like, you want to learn? I could teach you if you come over. Oh, yeah. The dating profile is probably nice. Yeah. 100%. Just in wingdings. No one's going to watch. Yep. He's got his necklace on. Congrats on tires. Hilarious. Thank you very much. So funny. Thank you. Yeah, I should promote it. What was the, like...

Because you guys made this on your own. Like you sold it to them afterwards, right? We made the whole thing and then sold it, yeah. Did you make it with that plan or were you like, we're just going to make this and put it out? Yeah, we made it. We knew if we sold it online, we'd at least get our money back. Right. So you were going to do it on your own. Yeah. Yeah. But then once we made it, we were like, this is actually pretty good. We should try to sell it to somebody. Yeah. And Netflix was cool enough to buy it and not fuck with it.

It was great. That's awesome. And you have season two already? Season two, yeah. We got season two coming. And I'm excited to actually write it. Like this one, John McKeever did literally everything. The whole thing. Like wrote it, directed it, edited it. Wow. He's a freak. It's insane, dude. He's a true freak. That's what you do Gillian Keeves? Yeah. Yeah. And he did that also. Right. Everything. Everything. But with Tires, I like forgot we filmed it.

Almost. Like we did it in like August or I forget exactly when we did it. Like a year ago? Yeah, like last summer-ish. And then I would like go, I'd forget. It'd be like three months later and I'd like call John and be like, what's up, dude? He's like, I've been editing. I've been editing since we left in my basement. He never stopped. He worked for months on that thing. Yeah, he's a freak.

That's fucking awesome. That's crazy. And you dethroned Bridgerton, which was a huge victory for me. And we got Bridgerton. We got Bridgerton for a few days, but Bridgerton crawled their ass back. It's girl porn. It's girl porn. It is girl porn. It's total girl porn. We had Bridgerton for three days. That's a fucking, that's a good feeling. It's powerful. I had, um, on my special. It's so gay and great. And I want to be a cool girl and not like it, but I'm dethroned. It's perfect for girls. It's so good. Isn't it like a, like a.

Jane Austen type. It's like an interracial love story women women hate the handmaid's tale, but you guys love British society with the same thing loves that shit courtship Drama because it was an innocent time like Committing atrocities

Wait a minute. What? The size? Oh, slavery. But the idea of like, he has to marry you to bang you. Like, he's going to lay down his whole life just to get in your pants, bro. Traditional values. Yeah, exactly. It's the handmaid's tale too. It's the same thing. That's so true. That's a fun ride. It's the same exact thing. Just as exciting. No, when I had a special come out and we dethroned

the Henry Cavill show that was my greatest pride. Got his ass. Yeah. Got his ass man. I got they had when I put my special on Netflix they had that one piece it was an anime like a like they reenacted it or how did they made a live anime show that they put like a billion dollars into. Yeah. And then I came out like you guys ever jack off? It's like number one. It's the best. It's the best. It's a room full of Japanese animators like oh. Where did you guys shoot Tires?

In Westchester. Oh, so you went home basically. Yeah, yeah. We shot it at Steve's dad's tire shop. Oh, cool. That's a real place. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The other thing I really liked about the show is I don't know everyone's name, but I recognize people from having seen sketches of yours before. And I love the cast. Nobody recognized, nobody saw Matt in it.

Matt was too good of an actor. I was a cop. No one knew it was me. Oh, shit. It's gone to my head, and I have a huge acting ego now. I popped up. I have a huge acting ego now. You do, though. No one knew it was me.

They're like, bro, you weren't in it. I was like, watch again. Watch again? They were like, what? I wish they kept the part you took your gun out in front of the bitch. We're having a bikini car wash, and Matt's a cop, and he pulls up and starts showing off for the bikini girls. It's really great. I'm so nervous. I'm literally having a panic attack every time I'm acting. It's the scariest thing. The funniest part is when he pulls up, somebody brought this to my attention. You can see me break. As soon as Matt rides up on the bike, I'm like...

- Here he goes. - Wait, how did you guys get to use, like was it, is it a former place or it's active? Like how did you get to use it? - It was Steve's dad's tire shop is right next to this. And then they were using that like area as storage. And then we went in and made it a garage and we were like, you're gonna have it when we're done. - You actually outfitted it. - Yeah. - Yeah, it was like put lifts in and stuff. - And you'll get to use the same place again when you go back? - We're gonna try. - Yeah. - You can smell that through the television. - Yeah, that place is real.

The tire smell? You're like, God, that's so good. Because my dad had a forklift shop growing up. And I know that smell. Yeah, it was real. Like oil, grease, tires. Yeah, it's very distinct. My dad and his brothers had a trash company. And one of his friends had a forklift shop. And apparently he was an old guy. And he wouldn't give his employees toilet paper. He would make them wipe their ass with magazines. Oh, my God. Was he Eastern European? Yeah.

I think Shutsky. He wasn't American, right? No way. Shutsky, I believe, is his last name. Oh, he's a pool rock. He's off the fucking planet. Oh, my God. That's what the magazines are for. He was old, too. He was an old man. And, like, the shittiness of that shop is so accurate. Like, when you're taking a dump and he's giving you your performance, you're like, he said that about me? I'm like, oh, my God. I would take shits the same way. Well, the problem is that was actually where we had to shit. And we were filming the entire thing in the garage.

So if you had to shit during the day, you were shitting through like a cardboard door. Yes, they're like that in the pubs. It was terrible. The hundred people. The best was, so I didn't know, there was a cute girl that was working on the show and she had, she was like my, I don't know what the word is, but she was like following me.

And I would try to like, literally the last person on set I wanted to know I was sneaking off to take shits. The first time I took a shit, she was waiting outside the door. I was in there like blowing up. But I opened the door and she was like, you ready to go down? I was like, great. You've been out here the entire time. You followed me up. Oh, no. You know I've been in here for a half hour. Ah, she clocked a dump. She clocked a dump, dude. And I was taking my time. I was watching my phone and shit. Yeah, you're chilling.

Disaster I thought I escaped because I turned my mic the mic packs the scariest mic pack dumps So what if I killed him I didn't have a mic pack dump but I had a mic on where I shit all over the director And I was like are we gonna have another director for this next one And then he quartered me at lunch And he was like, you know, you should do when you get back I

And I go, what? He goes, maybe take some acting lessons. Oh. And I was like, what? This is a crazy thing to say. And then I was like, oh. Damn. Good for him, though. Yeah, yeah. That's the right move. Yeah. And then I was like, have you directed before? And he was like, for 25 years. I was like, oh, I couldn't tell. I'm not familiar with your work. Yeah. Do you do other commercials? Yeah. Big shot. Big shot. Yeah.

man. I had the first time we, when we filmed the tires pilot years ago, like five, six years ago, we made a YouTube video. I didn't know. I, that was the first time I ever wore a mic. Yeah. And I'm sitting there just shitting on the sound guy. Fucking sound guys are weirdo.

I did it the whole time. Oh, yeah. I was at the guy, the only guy that was actually listening. Listening to everything. Oh, yeah. Dude, I did it when I was on Road Rules in the 90s. Like, I didn't know how that stuff worked either. And I was like, dude, our director, because he's such a fag. I'm like, no way, dude. This guy's so fucking gay, dude. And like, of course. He's just sitting on a director chair. Yeah, he's like...

I would have to remind everyone, like, guys, please just mute yourself. That would devastate me. Bro, it doesn't go away. You forget. You forget. You're filming all day and then you're like, you say the dumbest thing you've ever said. There has to be the best stories in the world from that, from like major films too. Oh yeah. You know, like Bruce Willis just being like this fucking fuck.

Yeah, he's probably got some good ones. I've just been listening to you. Did you hear Kevin Spacey do his thing? Yeah, true. He must have been mic'd up when he honked that guy. He honked a guy on...

House of Cards, right before the scene. The guy was like... That would fire me up to act. Dude, Kevin Spacey went, boop. I'd be like, yo. Is he pumped his dick or his butt? Yeah, I think his dick. His dick, yeah. He's number one on my list of just bring him back. The guy's incredible. I don't care what he's done. Does he touch much?

Has he done? What has he done? Gay Tom Fuller. It was gay Tom Fuller. It was gay Tom Fuller. It's classic gay stuff. Yeah, but that's dick slaps. You guys do that. Not taps. No, I agree. I was watching that. But the intent. It's like murder. The intent was there. Oh.

It was definitely groping a guy's dong. Dust him off. Groping a guy's dong. He's taking five years off. I say dust him off. I think it's ready. Have you seen the Double Soul Shaman, by the way? You know who that is? Sounds familiar, actually. This is... In this episode of What Does the Wild Thing Can Drink, I'm going to fill this beautiful mason jar with my beautiful Orin, which is medicinal.

especially after some amazing working out or going for a run or pumping some iron. This guy's about to drink his own piss. It's a form of biofeedback, and it's a form of self-love. When I drink my own piss, I get this enhanced benefit of self-approval and self-acceptance. And really, that's all there is to life, because self-love is the only love. He's so right. So no wonder the yogis have been doing it for over 5,000 years. It's hydrated. It's pretty hydrated, yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God. Everything that's bad for us...

like injecting heavy metals and aborted fetal cells right into your body is made to seem good. And everything that's good for us, like drinking your piss, is made to seem bad. We live in an inverted clown world. So try it for yourself and be your own guru and do what feels good.

- Yeah. - There's another guy, Certified Health Nut, who's deep into this as well. He ages the jars too. - Yeah, we have him. - Wow, are you psychic? - This is aged urine. This is about six months. It's got that nice brown tinge to it. - Nice brown. - And then of course,

This guy's...

Yeah, this guy sucks. But what a golden tan. He does have nice. Yeah. Yeah. Very nice. He looks great. He was a male model. Okay. Ball slap. Ball slap. That's him too, yeah. Yeah, dude. He was leaner. Get it. Yeah. Yeah. That's when he published Ripped at 50. That's his book. We were talking about this yesterday on our podcast. Yeah? You were right, that certified health nut. Who was the other guy?

Was it Wes? Yeah, Wes Watson. We were saying if we had a debate, if we brought in our best Manosphere guys and had them battle, I'd never really watch this guy, and this guy would be a problem. He's a savage, dude. Belmar might fuck him up. Dude, he would destroy Belmar.

Wait, are these guys totally heteronormative man, manispheres or are we, cause our Will Blunderfeld also believes in cupping balls and sucking men's nipples. Cause that's what the ancient Spartans did. I don't know if you're aware of that. It's actually more masculine. You know, they'll buy all the supplements, very expensive supplements. Yeah. They've never seen their bros naked. They've never worked out naked. They've never played naked ultimate Frisbee. They've never done naked wrestling.

And there's a reason why testosterone and sperm counts are at an all-time low. It's because men are not getting that vitamin that Robert Bly, who wrote Way of Iron John, said is an invisible food that gets transfused between men through the ethers when they get naked and do, for example, ball cupping or ball tapping rituals where you tap your bestest bro's balls and look at his beautiful mushroom head and send good energy into it. Yeah.

These are things that the ancient Spartans did. They would also eat ass. You don't have to eat ass, but there is good bacteria in your mouth that you can transfuse into your bestest bro's butthole to improve his digestive tract.

We already talked about that in another video, but I just wanted to talk about like why waste all your money on all these supplements when you can literally increase your testosterone for free simply by just rubbing your mushroom against your bro's mushroom before the workout and then having your balls cupped by your bro and honor each other's balls and then pump some iron.

Follow for more tips. It's the Canadian health minister. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, are your guys even talking about this? Yeah, you guys are bestest bros. I mean, we've been naked around each other. Yeah. Great. We've seen each other's naked bodies. And it does, it gives you a little jolt. Yeah. I think it's good for you. I think, I mean, rubbing your mushroom, I love how he calls it your mushroom. I don't know about rubbing mushroom. Mushroom tip's a little aggressive. Yeah, that's like, I mean, you can do that if you want, but.

I don't know. I mean, getting naked is kind of electrifying. It charges you up. Swimming naked is incredible. Yeah, that does feel amazing. Especially in like, not just a pool, but like in a lake or the ocean. That does feel amazing. It does. That's the greatest. So, I mean, yeah, if you work out, that would feel pretty good. That's aggressive. Oh, what the hell is that? That's him too. This is another ritual. Why is he doing this? You'll see. This one's tougher. Just watch and see. Don't ever try this. Wait.

Wait a minute. What? Hold on. You watch it. We've seen it a few times. Is this his OnlyFans? Or what is this? No, this is just a ritual. Dude, what the fuck is this? Hold on. This is the part you gotta listen to. Oh.

I'm just enjoying the taste of it. I'm shameless, I'm fearless, I'm doubtless. There you go. That's what I wanted to say. I'm shameless, I'm fearless, I'm doubtless. I mean, dude, when you hear about early Christianity coming in and just shutting shit down. Yeah, you go, all right. That's kind of nice, dude. A bunch of Germans in the woods doing this shit. Romans came up, said, knock that off. Yeah.

That's fucked up. I was wondering about that, though, because he drinks his pee. I was like, he has to eat his cum. Well, of course, because it is the ultimate act of self-love. That's how Will sees it. It's a cup of Hermes. Yeah, it's all good. Damn, dude. There we go. She's going to pop up. She's all right. She's okay.

She's tough. We got word she's fine. Oh, good. Asian women are built different. True. They're so strong. They are. They can take a vein. That's how they test at the Hyundai factory. They do a reverse safety rating. Yep, she's good. Put this one on the line. Oh, shit! There was his teeth, dude, right? Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Like falling like that, but also having people comment on it that sucks so much more Oh

But thank God for alcohol because he's so relaxed. He is. He's not going to know this is terrible until tomorrow. He'll never see it. Yeah. There's no way that guy's on the internet. He's just going to be like, damn, something happened. My leg's fucked up.

I guess I'm just getting old. Oh, fuck, dude. Did you break your legs? That one's my favorite. That one's great. Oh, fuck. Did you break your legs? No, no. That's terrible. Is he high as fuck, too? He said, no, I'm chilling. He's fucked.

No, he's totally fucked. Dude! Nah, chill. Chill. Chill. I'm chillin', dude. Double B-side. Nah, he's super fucked. His kneecaps are blown, right? That's fucking crazy, dude. Dude! They're dangerous. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Yes! Oh, no. Oh, you fuck. Get in there.

Shit! Oh, yeah. That was awesome. This shit is wonderful. Yeah, that's fucking great. We said this one earlier. This one's great. Have you seen this guy? You saw this? No.

Tomorrow's right in the butt. It's not wrong. He's missing that T. It's R-I-T-E. Right in the butt. Right in the butt. Watch him click it again. Watch the certainty. He's like, I got this one. What? Right in the butt.

- What? - Oh shit. - Five Gs on the line. - Holy shit. - Oh man. - That'd be crazy. - Do you mind if I pee really quick? I hydrated too much. - Yeah, sure. - I'll be right back. Do you guys want me to keep it in a jar for you? - Yeah. - Get that biofeedback. - It's a whole different thing.

We're back. We peed. What were you saying? What is this here? In the break, I was showing Matthew some Simon Rex farts. So Simon Rex, the actor, sends you his farts? Yeah. Me and Simon are buddies, and he would stay at my house when he's in Austin. And he's one of the best houseguests of all time. He literally sits on the couch and watches me play Xbox all day. And he has a great time. But he hits...

Some of the loudest, longest farts I've ever heard. That's incredible. This one is just titled Record Breaker. No way. Still going.

That's like 20 seconds. How does he know to grab his phone and record? He knows it. This isn't a new thing he just discovered. Yeah, that's incredible. When you got one of those in you, you know. Oh shit, I gotta get the phone. It's always the morning after, it's specifically movie theater popcorn that I get. Really? I didn't see that. If I go to the movies, get popcorn. It doesn't have to be a lot. It's like a small bag.

Whatever that does overnight, it just really gets it. It's the butter, bro. Maybe it's that movie theater butter. I don't know. It's crazy. I can see that producing. There's definitely things you eat that are like top notch. Protein powder. Yeah. Joe Rogan. For me, dairy crushes me. Dairy is like. He's got to have. Yeah, he has. Rogan? Yeah. Yeah. We'll clear it out. Yeah. He'll hit a protein fart. Yeah.

My brother took Lance Armstrong supplements. And they had like chemical smell farts. It was messed up. Still to this day, the worst I've ever suffered is Lance Armstrong. Dude, the grossest is...

Fucking H Foley. Our buddy H Foley got on. Yeah, you know H Foley. Are you garbage? He got on Ozempic and then he had to stop because he was getting Ozempic burps that were like clearing out planes. People were like, what the fuck? No one thought it was a human pet.

- That made the smell, they're like something's wrong. - He said that. - Yeah, I was not sure with that. - Yeah, he said it was the most disgusting. It was making him sick to smell. - It was awesome. - Yeah. - So funny. - That's very funny, yeah. So now he's not on the Ozies anymore. - I don't think he's on anymore. - Damn. - Damn. - Okay. - Yeah, gotta go the old fashioned route. Did he have a nice run on his epic? - Yeah. - That's good. - He dropped some LVs. - Yeah, he's losing some weight. - Good.

Christina, do you want to prepare? Yeah. I don't know if you guys are on TikTok, but I like to find the outliers, people that are underrepresented, and give them a voice. Nice. That's a nice way. These are my curations. That's a nice way. The marginalized folks. Marginalized people. Okay. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Get off the reins! Yeah, don't touch that horse, dummy.

- Don't do it, man. - Don't do it. - Oh, that was nice. - That was nice, yeah. - Don't mess with the guards, you guys. - I saw another one where the guy yelled at people holding onto the reins. It was great. - Yeah, why would you touch it? - It's pretty great. Get off the reins. Like, who do you think you fucking are? - Yeah, true. It's government official. - I hate horses so much, though. - I'm terrified of them, man. - Yeah, they suck. - They're very scary. - Yeah, they are. Standing behind one, too, is just, man. - Oh, fuck. - Crazy, man. - They're terrifying, horses. - So crazy.

This is a new, oh, Paris. This is a man giving love to his pet rat. Just on the subway. It's pretty awesome. It's got a bow on it. The bow changes things. It does. And it's a well-fed rat. And well-behaved. Yeah.

- See, that rat would not do well with city rats. - No, no. - No, fuck no. That'd be lights out. - That might be ratatouille. - I was about to say. - Show them how to cook. - My favorite, facial tattoo removals. - Oh no. - So much. - That's not gonna work.

All in one day. So much. Like really painful? So painful. Like the worst, right? The worst. On your face, too? Oh, man. I mean, people say that shit sucks on your arm. I can't imagine what that's like on the face. No. And it's going to need like 10 treatments, too, you know, for it to be gone. Bleeding it. Yeah. That sucks. I don't think so.

think they're ever gonna lift it totally he was pretty hardcore to start i mean that's this dude was living a life i don't know if pain really registers the same way to him as to us you know yeah when you do the full fucking the teeth on the teeth like yeah just get like the terminator face it's like oh that's cool yeah you ever see terminator before i'm kind of like i enjoy having sex with my girlfriend while she's on her period

We just go with the flow. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, that's a cool guy. That's nice. That guy's awesome. That guy's pretty rad. That's somebody's fucking grandpa. Yeah. He's making TikToks. Talking about pussy. Like, that's my granddad. Dude, and always with the Christian cross around her neck. Yeah. Like, what? It's a young man's game, too. Have you been thinking about renting a scooter for your Disney World vacation, but you weren't sure where to begin? Hey!

- Hey everyone, we're plus size park hoppers. We range in sizes from 2X to 5X. Make sure you like this video and follow us for our plus size Disney tips and tricks. - Double X, I'm a plus size parker. - New World vacations can require a lot of walking, which can be painful and might put a damper on your vacation. - Beautiful. - For longer trips, one of us always rents a scooter and she prefers to rent through Gold Mobility.

Buying a scooter through Gold Mobility is much more cost effective than renting through Disney and you don't even have to rope drop the ECV counter. Their most durable model is the Maxima which has a 500 pound weight capacity. Much like Hercules, this thing really goes the distance. Between the captain's chair and adjustable steering, this thing is the Cadillac of scooters. All of Gold Mobility's Victory line of scooters come with a fan, a phone holder, and an accessory of your choice. The fan really came in handy during our trip in August. It gets super hot.

Oh man. That's so sad. Oh wow.

One of our favorite reasons to rent a scooter through Goldmobility is that you can take it out of the parks and onto a boat so you can go have dinner on the boardwalk or at a resort. You can take these scooters onto all of Disney's transportation. Overall, we can't recommend Goldmobility enough. Goldmobility staff are super helpful and ready to help you have a more comfortable... It's nice to be like, I can fit on a boat. Yeah, that's pretty cool. I do think, shouldn't the chair be a little bigger? It seems a little tiny. A little narrow? Eh, you give them an inch though. Yeah.

Yeah, that is really funny to be like smugly pulling in a Disney role. I'll be like, I got my electric scooter elsewhere. Yeah, exactly. I had a good scooter video. Did you really? Yeah, it was making me laugh this morning. I can't find it. It was a lady on like a dance mom's show. She gets scolded by another lady. Fuck. While she's on the scooter? It's great. Yeah. I like to like...

your laziness for the day. You're like, it's too much to walk. I got to plan how I'm going to do it. Yeah, and they also do videos where they teach you whether you can fit in certain restaurants and rides. Yeah. And then some of them do the, here's what I ate today at Disney. And it's so much fucking food. I've seen that. It's so much food. I've seen that. It's crazy.

Like they start off, they're like, I just got here, I'm going to get some churros. And you're like, Jesus. And then I stopped by the Mexican. Yeah, and then I got some ice cream. And then I had the double bacon cheeseburger. And then I had the chicken wings. And then you're like, holy shit. Maybe even seeing how we can begin to snake up on this. Down these environments. And start to sort of slide. This guy wants you to come join him in the...

So this is a new way of like, you snake around trees? I honestly... I'm not against it. That's how I wake up every day. I get out of every bed and couch. You've seen it.

There's a lot of people. Fucking weirdos. There it is. We could totally do this in Austin. For sure. I'd want to do this alone, though, without 20 other hippies. Yeah, maybe alone would be a good way to start. Some guy rubbing his nuts on your face. He's like, I was just snaking. Sorry. Just snaking around. You've waited three years to hug him. Hug him.

She's a doll, right? She's hugging Goofy.

- People love Disney. - Yeah. - It's bizarre. I just went there recently. It's pretty bizarre. - There's a big, there's a trending thing now of people seeing the new Cinderella's castle and it's women who see it and just they- - Cry. - They break down. - I saw some of the Disney adults is like a new phenomenon. I saw a couple of them in the, I was like bringing my two little daughters and I was like bringing them around. You'd see like a 24 year old or like 30 year old lady just like, ah, and you're like, okay. - Okay.

This is how she brushes her teeth with a stick. She has teeth. This one's a licorice root. She puts her homemade tooth powder in the palm. It looks like dirt. You dip and you scrub. You don't need to spend money on stuff like toothbrushes or toothpaste. No, you need to go to the woods. Yeah. Clean this way in nature with natural tools. Relaxing self-care. You look all right. Not that bad. Get yourself a trig brush. Okay.

Would you try that? It's like a Russian chiropractor.

throat someone tricking you into going to that yeah I'll try it the guy's just stomping on you Jesus Christ yeah oh my god you're in the throat dude I love my favorite lane is I love these the chiropractic stuff those are my that's my lane I watch these all the time

For the screams. The screams are just so epic. This guy's suffering. Feel that relief? They fucked him like shit. So bad. And then there's people doing it and you're like, there's no way this is the way you're supposed to do this, you know? How? How?

You guys ever go to a chiropractor? I have, yeah. I love it dude. I just went recently. It's the best.

There's nothing better though that in the last few years the like there's been this like recent like this shit and they try to leave you know with the hammer. It's usually Russians. Get that upper thoracic back in check. We're fat girls we eat what we want when we want to. We're fat girls of course we're gonna ask for a table inside of a booth.

Okay. That's a big thing. Yeah. It's important. That is kind of a...

Well, they're also like you're at risk of dying. It's like being like I'm taking this dig away from smoking two packs of cigarettes a day. Yeah. If you want. Sure. Yeah. Die from that too. We were having to live with fat chicks to feed ourselves, you know, and the reason that you live with fat chicks is because they eat.

And it's a safe bet when you're starving and as a musician you want to become successful, you need to find a rich girlfriend and you need to figure out how you're going to feed yourself. Now we were selling drugs at the time so we weren't really worried about getting the equipment so the rich girlfriend part wasn't part of the equation anymore. It was just the fat girlfriend part. I forget which band. Dave Mustaine. Oh, it's Megadeth. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Pretty cool. Guy's a man. Yeah.

he had a whole that's a good point i mean yeah he's got a good one here's your last one that's how they became dogs what's the advice you give to your younger self

Spend less time with dickheads. Spend less, less? Less time with dickheads. They just waste your time. I can't believe a father would say spend less time with your kids. No, dickheads. What's he say? Dickheads. Dickheads! Thank you, Simon, for your interpretation. I thought he said that too. Dickheads. Spend less time with your kids. Dickheads. Yeah.

Yeah. Dickheads. Dickheads. Yeah. Look, you guys were so much fun. Thank you for coming. Thank you. Congratulations. We'd love to do it again. Congrats on tires. Congrats on your special. You guys can obviously listen to Matt and Shane's secret podcast. You can watch tires. You can get tickets at mattmcusker.com, shanemgillis.com. Go see them live. Listen to their podcast and we'll see you next time. Thanks. You want me to play Dancing Moon? Are you serious? I'll play that right now. Something a little Celtic.

Yeah, but for real, if there's not people in the goobies, I'm gonna for real fucking spaz.