The Shart Heard Round The World | Your Mom's House Ep. 761 01:22:22

Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim anymore.

Welcome to one of the most important programs you're going to watch.

If this is your first time watching or listening, you are in for conversations that matter, that inform you, and that, frankly, will change the way you see the world. So thank you for joining your mom's house. I have a, I'll start with it. I mean, there's no other. Are you really going to go into this now, even before the opening? It's that important to you? It's that important, yeah. I'm honored that you honor me in this YMH fashion. Well, here we go. I'm just going to say it. I'm going to get into it.

I was alone with the kids on a... No, this is not you. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, that's a bigger deal. I've got that on my brain. Yeah, I know, I know. Oh, I'm so sorry. No, this is to address the fact that I have a lisp right now. Oh, you wanted to tell the audience what's going on. I just came from the orthodontist. This is a dental update. And he told me that I've been too slack with my Invisalign. Slack, flack. So you can hear the lisp because my tongue slides against the plastic. So embarrassing.

But he was like, if you don't start wearing your Invisaligns, then your teeth aren't going to straighten out. Can you just refresh the audience's memory as to why you have to do this, which is so sad. I was snoring like a goddamn polar bear. And so I got fitted with a custom made...

a snore guard from a dentist. This is years ago. And the basic function of the snore guard that you get from the dentist is that it holds your lower jaw forward. So when you're asleep and unconscious...

typically your jaw would drop, right? And that closes your... And all the face meat pushes on your throat meat. And then it closes the air passage. So the idea is you keep the jaw forward and then the air passage stays open and it's effective. What they don't tell you is that if you do it continuously for years, you are doing orthodontics on yourself. And I moved my lower jaw forward. Right.

And it wasn't until I went to the dentist here in Austin, a new dentist who was like, hey, your bite's kind of weird, huh? Always been like this? And I was like, what are you talking about? She's like, you know how your teeth kind of meet in the middle? Always been like that? And I was like, no, I have an overbite. And she was like, no. Not anymore. And so we went to the orthodontist here and they were like, oh.

Yeah, your bite moved. So I've been wearing these. And it has changed. It's already... It's already moved. It's corrected. It's correcting itself. Well, because I remember at one point, the dentist gave you the option of shaving down your teeth to make the bite fit better. And I'm like, let's not start shaving teeth. It's pretty cool. Yeah. It is pretty cool. And it's also cool...

The dentist that I saw for years allowed me to move my jaw without saying anything. Without even giving you a heads up, like, hey, this potentially can destroy your bite. And I would reorder new ones, and they're like, here you go. And you did it for like a decade? More, yeah. And I have to thank you because it was in service of our marriage, basically. Yeah, because the snoring was adequate.

It was unbearable. I would hear you through the walls. I would go sleep on the couch and hear you rip. Well, and to be fair, I was also, and that contributed to it too. You were Disney adult sized. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, I could fit in the booth here. Yeah. You were a park closer and a rope drop. I wasn't a rope dropper. Rope droppers, they get up early. That's true. Those are go getters. And big boys don't get up early. I was a total park closer.

You were. You're up late. Well, I appreciate your sacrifice and your service. And, you know, now that you have lost those LBs, you snore but like a kitten. Like, if I fall asleep before you, I'm fine. Yeah. But I do, I roll you over. Guess who snores quite a bit, actually. I ripped last night, huh? Yeah, yeah. Because I woke up and my throat was so in pain. Yeah, you were snoring quite a bit. But I'm also a level of cold, Brian. But we're different in that I don't really wake you up. I don't wake you up.

I just deal with it. You know why? Why? A, because you're a sweet, loving man and I love you. B, because I get livid with you. Remember the last few times you tried waking me up? Yeah. What did I say to you? Because I'm in a rage. Don't fucking wake me up. I'm like, you're snoring so loud. Can I tell you, I'm so distracted. There's a red mark on your forehead and I know what that's from. Right here? It was our son yesterday. Yeah, he hit the fuck out of me. Which one?

Which one? The younger. Yeah. He is off the rails. He clocked it too. Like when he did it, it was so loud and so forceful that I grabbed him and he was like, he goes, I just hit you really hard. And I go, you better not fucking do it again. I made him apologize sincerely. And then I was like, I'll fucking punch you just so you know. I don't care that you're five. I'll throw you in the river. That's what I tell him all the time. I tell him I'll bite his fingers off.

I told Shaq that I was threatening to give him a cochlear implant. Yeah, that was a fun one to undo. Yeah, he didn't think it was funny. No. So our five-year-old doesn't hear us ever. He's like, huh? What? You just repeat yourself 30 times.

So Tom goes, I'm going to give you, we're going to get a cochlear implant. You're going to have it attached to your brain, a little piece of the thing in your brain, and it's going to chips going to go in your ear. And it terrified him so much. He's like, please don't make me get a cochlear implant.

I was like, no, but then you'll hear everything because you have trouble hearing, right? And he was like, brain surgery? And I was like, yeah. And then he straightened right up. Yeah. Yeah. They believe you. Yeah. Stupid kids. All right. We're going to get into your thing in a moment. Yeah. I mean, I'm just. Let's just open the show here. I'm still reeling from the trauma. Let's start the show. Here we go. All right. Here we go. As I lift up her skirt and start licking it slowly. I'm going to throw up already, dude.

And then I give it kisses over and over again. I knew you fucking knew it. Anything else. And then I go at it slowly. I hate you so much. Why do you do this? Don't bring anyone loving to this. I hate you. Fucking asshole. Yeah.

Oh my god. I have to tell you something. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Bootsy cats and bootsy cats. I can't drum it. I still have to learn this. Are you happy now, you fucking derelict? What is this? Why do you love...

The over-sexed creepy guy. Then I get harder than you. Ewww! What about this gives you the... He has another video here. Here, check it out. For your females out there. Look. I don't want to. Oh! That's really cool. Thank you for showing me. I'm gonna puke. Just figure I'll do that for the female. We get it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's nice. Slowly, slightly, and gently.

Why does it make you laugh, though? I don't understand why you laugh at it. Because it's cool. What's cool about it? What tickles you so?

I like inappropriate stuff. I like when a guy's inner thoughts that you know not to say come out. He lets it rip. I like that it affects people. That's cool. Yeah. I like watching people go, ah. Especially women. For a guy who's like, I want to fucking lick your pussy. Ah.

I can see your rubber bands. I know. May I? So I, okay, I'm going to fucking stop. Okay. Okay. So randomly Jordan Peterson came to comedy mothership this last week and we got to hang out with him in the green room. Like Duncan and I were talking and with him and, and I was like, why is it Jordan Peterson? Cause you're smart. That,

all the serial killers and men, why does it always have to go sexual? Like, why can't they just beat? Why does it always go like rape and beat and torture? And he's like, I want you to do his accent. Because everything is sexual with men. Everything. And I was like, oh yeah, like everything is sexual. And I feel like Dr. Drew has said that to us before too, and many different people.

But yeah, it all gets filtered through your peener. Yeah, it does. It dictates a lot. And when you get rejected sexually, that will inform the type of violence too. Yeah. I mean, every one of those crazy violent guys has rejection, abuse, neglect all involved in their life. Right.

It's like it starts with mom probably being abusive and then they get rejected sexually from women and then they kidnap and they get shamed and then they get abused and then they're like, no, I'm going to go hurt people. Yeah. And then that's your that's your nightly programming. That's what you love to watch. I fall asleep next to you. Yeah, it's true. It's true. Yeah, it's really cool. Yeah.

Let's get into it. This is a YMH exclusive. Oh my God. YMH exclusive. This happened. No, hold on. I was alone with Julian, our youngest. Yeah. And we had a housekeeper in the house too at the time. Okay. So that lady's cleaning and I'm in the pantry with our boy. Uh-huh.

And let's just say when you know I'm on the OZempies and I also have menopausal stuff. So I have a hard time browning. So I'll take stool softeners. Sometimes I mix them with like a little dose of laxative just to like spice it up to see what happens. And I was in the pantry and I went to fart and I sharted.

- Wow. - Now what was different about this shart is that it was like a wall of mushy diarrhea. Like where I was like, oof, like I had to clench to stop the flow. It wasn't, for me in the past, this shart has been like a blast of fart and then like a pelt. I don't know if that's the right word, like a little smattering of caca.

This one was like, wow, this is a fire hose. This is shit. Shit just coming out, dude. Like liquid shit. And then I sat down on the toilet and I was like, Julian, cause you know, he never leaves my side. And I'm like, get in here, close the door. Like there's someone in this house right now. Like I don't want her to see me shitting. Yeah. It's uncomfortable. Yeah. And he,

You know, kids are. They can't close the door. Like, he's coming in, and then he's like, I have to go poo-poo too now. And I'm like, God damn it. So he leaves the door open. And you have the music playing and my dad being like, I gotta tell you about a shit I took one time. Totally. And he leaves the door open as I'm diarrhea-ing. And any minute, the housekeeper's gonna walk by. Yeah. Very precarious, as every person that has kids knows. You just shit with the door open. Yeah. Anyway, I had to throw away my underwear.

And so our five-year-old watched me wrap that up in like tissue and then I put it in the wastebasket and then, yeah. But you know how it lingers with you? Cause I mean, shards by nature are always a surprise. Yeah. I was surprised when you told me the whole story. I mean, this is the second time I'm hearing it. It's fucking fascinating. The second time it's fucking cool, man.

When's the last time you sharted? Do you remember? I can't remember. I said, I'm due. You're due. You told me the story. I was like, I'm due one. I haven't done it in a while. Yeah, like your period. When you can't remember your last shart, you know you're due. Yeah. That's so true. I feel like once a year. Is that an average for sharts? I think I'm less than once a year. I'm probably every few years. Yeah. But maybe it'll increase soon, you know, as I... I definitely think age has been a factor. Yeah. Once you get older, older, it really ups. Yeah.

Yeah, I can't wait for the People article to come out and be like, Christina P., the comedian, has lost total bowel control due to Ozempic. Yeah. Is that the headline? Could be. I have no bowel control now. I know that Bert is having a lot of digestive problems. Is he? Yeah. Why? What's going on? I don't know. I know that he's got, I think he's having some intestines removed. What? Yeah.

Are you being serious? Yeah. What does he have? Well, I don't know. He's got a lot of health issues. I mean, he's got nerve issues. He's got liver problems, kidney problems. He's got heart problems. He had like some neurological stuff done and now he's got some digestive problems too. Yeah. Oh no. Yeah. Bart. He's all right. He's seeing the best people. Yeah. Yeah. He'll be fine. Yeah.

- Do you wanna see the guy stick his tongue out again? - No, not really. Now I'm sad again. Why do you do this? I was having fun reminiscing about my shart and now this.

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We went to Rome. We did. Not long ago, about a month or so ago. Yep. You know, it's a lot of old shit. If you like old shit, it's the place to go. It's only old shit. Well, I'll tell you this, though. We brought our American brains into Italy. I think we have some pretty good ideas for how they could, you know, kind of change things up in Rome. One of the things you'll notice about Rome and all these historical places that are super old is

is that there's no branding. There's no corporate branding on anything. And it's a huge missed opportunity to bring in revenue. Leaving millions on the table. Probably billions. I mean, with the amount of tourists that go there. Like, for instance, you see the Coliseum. There's no lettering that says Coliseum. Sure. How am I supposed to know what that is? You just drive by it. And thought that maybe a really good idea would be, you know, you call it like the FedEx Coliseum, right? Right.

So now you have the branding on top that says FedEx. And people go, oh, look at this, the FedEx Coliseum. I love that. Then you go into the Coliseum. You see all the old shit. Yeah. But then there's a FedEx store. Even better. Right inside. So you could bring packages. Yeah. And you could mail stuff out of the Coliseum. That's even cooler.

And imagine that being the address that you sent someone. Hey, where does this come from? Oh, it came from the FedEx Coliseum. And you go into the Coliseum. There's no hot dog stands. There's no Starbucks in there. There's no Starbucks in there at all. It's a big place. You've seen how big that place is. Pantheon. Fucking thousands. Doritos, Pantheon. Why not? Why not? The Pringles Vatican City. Perfect. Perfect.

Perfect. So much money on the table. So much money they're losing. The naming rights to this shit. Yeah, that's what I love about L.A. What is it that you're doing? What's the venue you're doing? The Kia Forum. I love it. I love knowing that Kia owns the forum. I didn't even realize that the Staples Center is now Crypto Arena. Perfect. Yeah, that kind of shit is cool. It is cool. And I think that if Italy...

kind of came to their senses, they would start doing shit like that too. I was really like bummed out not to see corporate names on shit for a few days. Me too. Cause how am I supposed to remember what to eat or what to like if no one's telling me and bombarding me constantly with,

So anyways, you're really missing the fucking boat there, Italy, on that stuff. Also, hold on. What I really loved when I was in Las Vegas last time with the Poroso's team is I saw, what's that hotel that's like that, the pyramid? Oh, the Luxor. The Luxor, yeah. And really great idea is they wrapped the Luxor in a Doritos ad. Yeah. So it's really neat if you're a patron, you're staying there, you look out your window. Revenue, revenue, revenue, revenue.

That's what they're thinking. And then you're looking at the Colosseum, you're like, no revenue. No revenue. Fucking stupid. Fucking dumb, dude. Yeah, you guys are really fucking up. They barely sell tchotchkes. Turn it on, Italy. Well, not only that, like, yeah, there's only Italian food in Rome. That was pretty interesting, too. Literally. There is no Chinese place. You're in Italy. You want to eat Italian food? But again, it's like, what a great opportunity to introduce dominoes.

Pizza. There's no Domino's. There's no Domino's. And there's no Pizza Hut. And there's no Little Caesars. And there's no Papa John's. No. How about Little Caesars where Caesar used to fucking hang out? Oh my God. Dude. That's so cool. You fucking nailed it. That's so smart. Little Caesars original location. Yep. Yeah, that's a great way. Pizza, pizza. Yeah.

They didn't offer any garlic sauce. It was fucking stupid. There was no ranch anywhere. I'll tell you this, too, about Italy. If you think black people are loud, you have to be around Italians. They're so loud. They fucking are other level. All day, you're like, Jesus Christ, man. We were at a restaurant, remember? The kids, I was like, am I back in fucking public school in Milwaukee? It was like, fuck you, la la la la.

And you're like, God damn, like so loud. Remember we were eating our pizza and drinking our spritzers? Yeah. And there was a woman just with the flip phone open. She's like, and you're like, dude. Just barking. And you're like, okay, all right. Yeah, so goddamn loud. The kids in the park. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

We actually saw a kid yell, fa-fang-goo-da to a girl. It was awesome. To the girls, yeah. They called him ugly. Yeah. They made donkey sounds. He's like, up your fucking ass. Yeah. Yeah. That was dope. I do love the Itlians. They're just great. They're so fucking fun, man. So much fun. And we... Tell a story about the hotel and the AC. Oh, that was cool. That was fucking so rad. We...

We stayed in a nice hotel. I mean, come on. So we were in a nice hotel and it's at night, you know, like to sleep with the AC on. Of course, there's the thermostat. And I start lowering it. I'm like, man, it's still kind of warm in here. And then you're like, no, I'm fine. But then like an hour later, you're like, I'm warm. I'm like, I know. So then I lower it to the absolute minimum, which is 63. And I get my fucking things in here.

63 degrees. And I'm like, I know...

what that feels like. I'm like, it ain't 63 in here. No, sweltering. So whatever. We just deal with it. We sleep the next day. We just can't figure out the button pushies. No, but the button, there's gotta be a way. It says off. So I hit it. I'm like, now it's off. So I turn it back on. I'm like, it says 63. It's clearly not running, but whatever. It's late. And we just go to sleep. The next day I'm like, uh, I see the cleaning staff and I'm like,

Hey, is there a trick to this? Yeah. I go, because I'm showing them the thermostat. I'm like, is there a secret to make this work? And the guy's like, ah, you have to call the front desk. What? What do you mean? He's like, you have to tell them, and then they will turn it on for you. Giuseppe. Giuseppe. And so I'm like, fuck. Like, what?

And he calls, and then they're like, and you feel kind of like, no, it's on. Yeah, you want the AC on? Yeah. It is, I have to tell you, even communist Hungary wasn't that bad. You could stay in a hotel in immediately post-communist Hungary and have AC without having to call down. Even in the stands, I've been to. It was pretty funny. Kyrgyzstan, I had air conditioning without having to call down. That was a little flavor. Now, I will say this.

have you had better meals consistently anywhere listen of the three bites of each meal i could take divine it was i ate past the ozmp every single meal it was amazing it was astounding everything was awesome everything was awesome um everything yeah we had nizza pasta fish it was all it was so good incredible

Now, one thing I love about the Italians, we met this Italian woman and we were talking about how she and I both have sons. And then she's showing me pictures of her son and she pulls up a shirtless picture. No, she pulled up a picture of him in a bathing suit. And she was like, look at his chest. Look how strong he is getting. You can see the definition in his chest. I was sitting there like, what the fuck?

He looks good. He's 15. She's like, look how muscular he's getting. His chest is nice. You're like, yeah, I saw you go, yes. Yeah, I can't even look at him. She's like, no, look, look. This is all the swimming. It makes the muscles come out.

He's got a nice penis. Soon he will be a fucking many, many women. He's on the side of my side. Yeah. And you know what's crazy about Italy is that everybody is named either Giuseppe or Bruno. We met like five Giuseppes and five Brunos, 70 Brunos. Everybody, Giuseppe and Bruno. And then one, oh, one. So I've been doing my toilet Italian for a few years.

And you got to hear me. You did. You ordered so well. I ordered an Italian. It was fun. And so sometimes, here's the thing. Rome is such a big tourist trap. I mean, there's just so many. There's 5 million plus tourists a year. Everybody speaks English. Everybody. I mean, they speak varying degrees of English, but it was really hard to practice because as soon as you fuck up, the person would be like,

I'll just speak English, which is obviously it's nice if you're a tourist, somebody can help you speak your language. But one day we get picked up by a driver and we're going to dinner and he's speaking, you know, okay, English. And he's obviously speaking, he calls the restaurant for us because we're late and he speaks perfect. He's Italian, right? I tell him I want to practice. So he's practicing Italian with me. And then we drop, he waits for us at dinner or he picks us up after dinner. And on the way back,

He's telling us, you know, this and that in Italian and in English. And then we're like, yeah, this restaurant was really great. And he's like, yes, it's good. This is a similar one in another neighborhood. This neighborhood...

"You know, it's okay because there are some Jews here." And we were like, "What?" And then right away we're like, "That's kind of a strange comment to make." - Well, 'cause when somebody mentions they know where the Jews are. - Yeah, it's unprompted and we're like-- - It's like, "This isn't normal." Especially the Italians don't care about the Jews. - Yeah, no other Italian has said that, so we're like, "Huh."

And then we're like, so where are you from? Are you from Rome? We smell something different here. Yeah, something's different here. Are you from Rome? And he's like, not originally. And we're like, where are you from originally? Hungary, my tribe. Immediately, I was like, I fucking knew it. I knew this guy. He's talking about Jews and this and that. I'm like, I know he's my... He's like, I will drive a little faster, and now we are out of the Jewish neighborhood. Wow.

And we're like, yeah, that kind of adds up. God damn it. I know. I knew it. I fucking knew that guy. Yeah. I could sense it. His hatred of the Jews. That was cool. But there are too many Jews in Austin now, I bet. Right. It's really getting to their Zolo.

Somebody else. There's one guy in Austin who's Jewish and he's got a hamburger stand. That's it. Oh, yeah. Well, I wanted to order a tuna melt today and a matzo bowl soup. Good luck. Good fucking luck.

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So...

This says I have a surprise video in my folder. Yeah, we got you a little pep talk. Pep talk? Yeah. Okay. Thought it might make you feel better. Okay. Should I play it? Yeah, go for it. All right, here we go. Hey, Tom. This is from another guy with a big nose. That's me. I hope you can get past this big nose business. The bigger your nose is, the easier it is for you to breathe. Look at it that way. It's an advantage, not a disadvantage.

So you're a good looking guy with a nose that fits you. God don't give you a nose that you can't use. So there it is. Deal with it. And don't try to look like something you ain't. That's right. So you got the nose God gave you. Use it. It's still working and power to you. John Amos. Unbelievable. Legendary actor. Thank you, John Amos.

The McDowell's. He's the McDowell's owner. He is. He's fucking incredible. This guy's the best. He's great. Wow, that is really cool. Well, look at you. And I do feel better about my enormous nose now. Thank you. And your adult braces. My braces are actually, I need a second pep talk for that one. You can see why I avoid them all the time. Well, it's a mouthful. I know. There's not so many. Because the thing of it, your tongue flies on them.

But thank you, John Amos. Thank you, John. That was so cool. The two of us with our matching noses will persevere. He looks great. He's lost some weight. Has he? Oh, yeah. He was a lot rounder in Coming to America. You're talking about a movie 40 years ago? Yeah. Maybe he's on the OZMPs, too. Okay. All right. What? Some people stay fat their whole lives. I mean, he wasn't that big in that. No. No. He looks great, though. You're crazy. Yeah. I saw it. Okay.

Here, let me, I'm going to pull up this other thing. That's pretty cool. Oh yeah. I thought you would like this. This is pretty cool. Hi everyone. I am now doing the what to eat before, during, after your workout for blood type AB. It is kind of similar to A, but just a little bit different. So first thing in the morning. Because you started lifting recently too. Yeah. This is good information. I would have six eggs cooked in about a tablespoon of coconut oil. Sure.

And then right before you work out, take in two tablespoons of liquid aminos. How do I get my tits to look like that? And make sure you drink about a quarter gallon of water during your workout. And then immediately after your workout, as soon as you're walking out the door, you want to make sure that you get in two more tablespoons of liquid aminos with about three-fourths of a cup of berries, pretty much any berries. That's what I eat in a week. That's pretty cool. I mean, babe, how are you even...

How are you getting past those boobs? The boobs are cool. I like them. Yeah. I like that a lot. I like your tits. Look at those traps. Sorry, I like your tits. Slowly, slowly. She doesn't even have to wear a bra. She doesn't have to wear a bra or anything. Yeah, I know.

It's so crazy when women get this muscular, they look like beef jerky. Like their body looks like pieces of beef jerky. Yeah, she's super jacked. They always get tan too. You can't just, you can't be. And they have so little fat, that's why you have to get the implants because they have no body fat left. I kind of feel like in this case, just go without that dust. You know what I mean? You think so? Yeah, she don't need titties. The titties are fucking me up. Honestly, the rest of it, like if I could just, yeah, like I feel like.

That's better. Just put your hand up and cover the tits. I don't know. I'm a fan. Keep the tits. Keep them. This is really cool. Is this what I'm going to look like if I keep weightlifting? Yeah. If you stick to the plan. Yeah. Keep the program going. Sure. Or you might look like something. It depends on what direction you want to go in. I'm a flaming hot pig. You can do that. Yeah. I bet you nobody knew that a pig can be flaming hot.

i'm a hot hot blooded pig got it check it and see i got a fever bun in inside of me cause i'm hot mama check it and see i got a fever burning inside of me check it and see we've got my little hot socks on but you can't sing them my little heart earrings

I'm flaming hot, baby. Got it. Very cool. Her life is chaos. You think so? Look at the area behind her. It looks fine. Mess. I know. Everything looks good. I feel like I'd rather be the weightlifter lady because her life is in order. It's a lot of order. It's in order. And it's disciplined. Disciplined. This is too much chaos. You think so? Well, if we're apart when we're tidy, that would be a different story. Do you think she's a rope dropper or a park closer? Ha ha ha!

She's a park closer, dude. She would definitely. Oh, yeah. She ain't no rope dropper. She don't wake up at 5 a.m. to get in a Disney man. No, the bodybuilder is a rope dropper. For sure. But this is a park closer. Yeah. It's funny how everybody kind of fits into one of the two, you know? That's so true. I never thought of it. I'm definitely a park closer, baby. Yeah.

But I don't mind if you're a rope dropper. I don't mind. I don't think a park closer can be with a rope dropper. Those are two different personalities of Disney adults. You cannot. They're incompatible, Tom. One's a morning person, one's a nighttime. Don't tell me that. Don't tell me that. I still want to have options. Wait, what was the treat that you could buy that was 1,300 calories? The Snooki Cookie? The Wookiee Cookie. The Wookiee Cookie. Can we look up some stupid treats? What other stupid shit do they have that you could buy? I don't know.

Ugh, a dietary nightmare. Oh, 15 Disneyland desserts. That's cool. Churros I love. Churros are just classic. Come on. Hot. They gotta be hot. Hot. Piping hot. Yeah. As soon as they cool down, they're dog shit. Yeah. It's because of the grease. Oh, Mickey beignets. Love beignets. Of course.

The Matterhorn Macaroon. Why is it the matterhorn? Is it shaped like a cock? Is that what it is? Excuse me? What? It looks like it's a big dick and balls. No one's seeing that but you right now. God. What? Doesn't it look like a dick? Yeah. See, Eni sees it. No. I'm seeing it. See? I don't want to see it. That's because the two of you think about dicks all day. It's got to be in there.

Scroll down. I don't see. I notice that they're putting no caloric information, no nutrition information. They're just like, try this stuff. The gray stuff. Gato. What is the gray stuff? That's weird. It's a booty in the beast themed. Booty in the beast. Raspberry jam filled and velvet cake gets a thick coating of whipped cookies and cream mousse, a.k.a. the gray stuff, all served on a buttery lemon thin shortbread cookie. Holy fucking shit. Oh, shit.

The bodybuilder will not recommend eating this. Oh, boy. Vin-vin-tion? Mineral mousse? Oh, that looks terrible. Okay. That looks stupid. Ugh. Right.

- Raspberry Rose Mickey macaroon. I don't like raspberry desserts. - I don't like macaroons, can I tell ya? - Churro toffee? - Yeah, I'll do that. - I'll try that out. - Yeah, I don't like when they-- - Disneyland churros are so popular among the Parks Food fans that they get not one, but two mentions on this list. - Oh, oh. - Whenever you need a sugary pick-me-up, simply pop into any confectionery shop and grab a sinfully sweet square of churro toffee. - A thinfully sweet square. - Don't make fun of my list.

Salt and straw ice cream. That sounds good. It does. But I want to see the nasty... Jack-Jack cookie num-num. I'm a grown man. Can I get a Jack-Jack cookie num-num? Cosmic cream orb. Oh, this looks terrible. Yeah, sounds like somebody cream-pied in someone's asshole. Hold on. Zola, what is in this garbage bag?

Once you've braved Guardians of the Galaxy Mission Breakout... Okay, I grow up. You're probably going to need a little sustenance. Just steps from the... Okay. What? Find it? Where is it? Okay. Okay.

Charcoal colored cream puffs are generously stuffed with whipped raspberry cheesecake dyed a stunning shade of purple. You know what that means? That you're going to shit purple too. You are. And you're going to forget what you ate and be like, I have a digestive illness. This is disgusting. Yeah. Gross. Chuckle smash candy bar. I don't know. That looks terrible too. Oh, here we go. Oh, no.

Now you're talking about needing a chair instead of a booth. Yeah. Do you have chairs here? Can I get the funnel cake fries? This is a part closer diet. That's a big old fucking fatty meal right there. There's so many fatso's at Disney on those scoot scoots. So many, dude. They're all eating this. They put the funnel cake on the front in the basket and then they... These funnel cake fries weren't made right. They were a little soft. You send them back?

I'm so sorry. I will say, though, those are delicious. The funnel cake fries? Yeah, yeah. God damn, dude. When they're fresh. Okay, here we go. See, can I tell you, Japanese-style fluffy cheesecake, I would guess by the international clientele they have, they should have more things for Asian people, right? For European travelers. Sure. I'm surprised they don't have more Asian treats. Darth. Darth by chocolate parfait. Darth by chocolate parfait. Get it? I get it. God, that's terrible.

Look how disgusting. There's a little lightsaber hanging out of there. What's in this nightmare? So many treats at Disneyland. Oh, boy. Smoothies, milkshakes. What the fuck? I mean, it's like, does this list end? Jesus Christ. You know what happens after you eat all that, right? Do you know what happens? You shart in your pantry. All right, now I'm in the bathroom at the local Walmart. Take a dump. Oh. Oh.

I love this so much. Can I say that again? Did you add the music or did he? Did we add it? We didn't add it. I think it's a re-upload. This guy is like a big cult following. Taking dumps. Clearly. Exactly. Yeah. So people will re-upload. Oh, man.

That's what mine sounded like after I shot it. That's not a normal dump though, right? No, that's not a healthy dump at all. If you ate a fucking Darth by fucking Vader or whatever. Yeah. That's a funnel cake fries. Oh, that's a funnel cake fries shit. I've had them. I'm not going to act like I haven't had them. You know when that's coming. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You know what I do like at Disneyland, though? I mean, I don't have any more of those lemon slushies. Yeah. Those crush when it's hot as shit out. Yeah. Just a simple lemon slush. Sugar for me, like, it's like...

it's the most immediate way to be like this on a toilet. Yeah. I know right away. I mean, I avoid so much of it now. Like I, I rarely indulge in something crazy cause I know what's going to happen. I just go like, do I want to shit a lot soon? Cause if I don't want to, I go, I'm just not going to have that. That's smart. Yeah. That you know. I just know. Yeah. You know what I figured out after millions of years to red pepper immediately. Yeah. Peppers is that to me too. I stopped eating a lot of peppers. God damn. Um,

What's the thing I have to tell you this? Let's see if I can find it. Yeah. We're gonna go take a dump. I have to shit. I just have to pee. I have to shit. This is perfect. Wow, how did you know?

know I didn't I just got a P well my P was awesome yeah my dump didn't happen it's gonna happen but it's not ready and I think I feel pressure you know so I just I gotta I'll just read what I go through but I gotta take these out it's just I just want to show people how cool it is this is what you have to do every time all right I'm gonna take that out all right that yeah it's like pick that

Oh, my God. The spit strand was horrendous. This is like when I was 15, I had retainers. Yeah, I remember doing this shit. Now I feel like I can actually be myself. Yeah, you've got spittle in your beard. That's fine. Lower. Do you clean that? How often do you change the end of your hair? No, no, no, no, no. You don't clean them. You never clean them. That's what they tell you. Dude, my retainer, I remember, was so filthy. I had it for years, like through college. You got some spittle right here, bro. What's that all about? What? Other side.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's because I was sucking dicks in the bathroom. So Josh Zolo brought up. So we were walking back and I was like, I just I can't get over this rope dropper park closer. I've been laughing at it for weeks. It's so fucking dumb. And I was like, because Josh has a girlfriend he adores. And I was like, what if your girl suddenly turned into a Disney adult? Could you handle it? And you brought up a really good point, Josh.

I mean, I just think it's way worse for men that are into it. You know, a girl being a little into Disney, it's like, okay. Right, princess shit or whatever. Yeah, whatever. I mean, I feel like most girls enjoy Disneyland to some extent. Sure, yeah. If it became her whole life, that'd be one thing. But I really do think it's inexcusable for a man to really love Disneyland that much.

Well, which is why we have a new series of merch we are launching for rope droppers and park closers. Go ahead and decide which you are. What team are you? Are you a rope dropper or a park closer? You can check out these new designs and check them out in our store, store.ymhstudios.com. Is that what it is, right? Yep. Pick your team. Pick your team. Are you a rope dropper or are you a park closer?

Very telling. Yeah, but see, interestingly enough, the only reason the guy is into Disney is to meet chicks, right? Yeah. There's no way unless he's severely mentally stunted. Well, there's a few of those too. I mean, let's not act like that doesn't exist. One of the favorite, my favorite things that we've...

discovered or spent time doing in the show over the last several months is finding videos that have amazing comments. And there's another person that has been identified that I'll show you a video and then we can dive into the comments because they're pretty fucking cool. Reese's Puffs, Reese's Puffs, throw them out, throw them out, throw them out. It's got sugar, corn syrup, caramel coloring. All right. So...

I know where the comments are going already. This is Lexi Noel. She is a health and wellness influencer who owns an online bakery called Divine Eats, which specializes in keto, paleo, sugar-free, dairy-free, grain-free, and gluten-free treats. She's trying to steer everyone clear of Reese's Puffs because they are filled with harmful ingredients that cause cancer, heart attacks, and strokes. And so that says. Anyways, that's her profile.

post about it and then you go into the comments and it says someone lost their toddler on aisle nine uh because of her uh appearance i guess she has sort of a youthful she's got a puffy cute little face yeah yeah that had 40 000 likes 40 000 likes uh any you can go ahead and read this one so let's pick that back up baby head nigga i love baby head nigga man baby head niggas is shit uh

I've never seen breast tissue go to the head. Wow. Jesus. Jesus. Bro skipped face day again. God. God. Face day. Go ahead, Annie. Go ahead, Annie. Hairy arm baby niggas. Hell yeah. Interesting that they went the N-word. Oh, that's in all these now. Oh. Yeah, that's Instagram now. Yeah. Oh, wow. Instagram comments basically just N-words, yeah. Wow. Hate from the entire fitness community. Yeah.

How old is she? 13 or 33? Yeah, she's got a really interesting... I'm not taking nutrition advice from a malnourished child. Wow. Jesus. Shut up. 1,000 likes. Just shut up. Yeah, there's... Have you seen that there's this, like, really well-dressed black kid, like, in a suit? In the library. Well, he's... I've just seen him... Like, his family makes the clothes. Mm-hmm. And he's tall as hell, right? No, I don't... Oh, no? No, this kid is just, like...

He's just like in a suit and he'll show different suits, like, you know, well-tailored clothes. The comments are insanity. Oh, wait, the little kid? Yeah, he's like a young kid. And sometimes his dad will appear in it. The funny thing is the comments are all like this, but then the dad is, I think, smart in that he'll respond like thumbs up to stuff. Like they'll say, I can't even say what they say. It's all enbombed? Well, it's like...

It's like a spin on it. It's like, sir, it'll say, sir, sir, sir, niggle wits. Yeah. Yeah. It's fucking crazy. It's fucking crazy. And he's like 13. Yes. Yes. Yes. So you know what I'm talking about? And then I'll have it also, it'll have like 40,000 likes on like a comment like that. Jesus. Yeah. So that, that has become as Instagram is just N bomb city now for everything. Wow. Wow.

I mean, anytime I see a video on Instagram with a black person in it, I'm like, I wonder what the spin on the M word is going to be on this one. Yeah. Every single one. It's always ending in A, though, like for the comments. Yeah. They're not hateful or anything. No, no, no. It's like, what's up? What's up, tall ass man? And I wish I could be mad at it, but it's honestly the funniest shit. It's pretty funny stuff. Bro,

like the Instagram fucking feed sometimes will give me just like a picture of something, it'll be like a fucking picture of Buzz Lightyear and in the bottom, big text that just says nigga on it. And it's like,

It's so fucking stupid that doesn't make any sense. I know. But it makes you laugh. I die laughing. See if you can help him find that kid. See if you can. This is the one. Oh, you found him? Yep, he found him. Yeah. Yeah, it's this kid. Aw, he looks awesome. He's a sweet kid. Pick lapel. Aw. One button. And it also has two flat pockets. He's adorable. The different components of a... Click the profile. Or, yeah, that.

But this is TikTok, so they're going to be nice on here. Let me pull it up on Instagram. Oh, yeah, pull them up on Instagram. Yeah, it's totally different on Instagram. That's not cool to do to a child, though. Well, I know, but it's not that. It's just Instagram. It's Instagram. That's just what it is. It's such a garbage job. If you put something on Instagram, you should be ready for that. I know. It feels like a dunk. Scroll, scroll. I'll tell you where to go. Keep going. Yeah, it is hilarious, but I've definitely caught it. It's like, okay, no, no.

I'll tell you. Go to like... Yeah, like that one right there. That one right there. Yeah. Bros. Over 20,000 fabrics to choose from. Come see us today and let us create your masterpiece. This is Deysen Mofor, Director of Fashion from Don Murphy. Okay. Okay. Okay. I like where he goes. This one says, this one is educated. Oh. Okay. Scroll down. Oh, Jesus. Yeah. Okay, look. He...

I ain't even gonna say that shit. Oh, see the Sir Lord one? That's what I keep seeing in here. You ain't gonna say that one either. No? No. Nick, look at it. How would I pronounce that? Try. The Seventh Duke. Oh, my God, dude. Yeah, that's too recent. Don...

that's wait emmanuela nigga the third is that what you said don emmanuela nigga the third that one's crazy yeah that's so that's that is um instagram now are these white people saying this stuff a lot of it i think majority i think some are not some are not but some definitely some are but some are not some hidden accounts oh my god yeah

It is hilarious, but I have considered how is Meta not doing shit about this? It's kind of crazy. This is every comment section with a black dude on it. No one cares. If you go to the replies on some of these, you'll see that the account replies like a fist up or thank you. See? Right there. Scroll back up. He's doing that because I think kind of like what Caitlyn did

The guy running this realizes that he is fostering engagement and keeping the account popular, basically, right? Because how many followers does this account close at? How many times? Yeah, it's got 315,000. And that's Instagram, so that means you probably got like one point something on TikTok. Yeah. Yeah. Well, geez. Yeah, but you're saying that to a kid. Yeah, that's not cool, dude. Pretty crazy. That's not fun.

Even I draw a line. When I'm on TikTok and I see kids doing dumb shit, I don't repost that on my Instagram because I'm like, ah, they're teenagers. Unless they're goth teens and then I will support them. You support the teens, yeah. I actually don't like, as much as I love watching somebody fall and hurt themselves, I don't like watching kids get hurt. Wow. Yeah. Do you have the one that, did I send you?

Do you have any of those in here? They're not in there, but I think I know the one you're talking about. You do? Yeah. Is it the flying one? Yeah, I think so. Oh, man. This is like my new favorite clip. Okay. This is so fucking cool. This clip I watched many times. I love those. Yeah. And they keep giving and giving and giving. Yeah. Yeah. Ouch. Is he one of these guys that made his own contraption to...

Oh no. He's like, "Check this out." And he's flying in his own man-made... Oh Jesus. Is it there? Yeah. Yeah. Look at this. Paramotor pilot suddenly falls. Oh great. Yeah, definitely unmute. He's like, "Check it out." Stupid. 48 miles an hour and it just... He broke his pelvis, back, neck, crushed an arm, but he's okay.

He's doing all right. Hey, Siri, call 911. Hey, Siri, call 911. The audio is so perfect it could be scripted. But also, this is like a great advertisement for Apple. For sure. I mean, the fact that you can have all that happen, have your phone next to you and be like, Siri. Yeah. Oh, shit, my fucking phone's going to do it right now.

Like, that's incredible. That's amazing. Yeah. Yeah. Why did you think that was going to hit? I was not good. You didn't like that? Well, no. Yeah, that was. The scream was amazing. I laughed because I was. Make sure you rip that for me. I need that. I need that drop.

I need that scream. You know what? There's one that I've been watching forever where this woman's like, name something I wear that you've mispronounced and that lives on your head forever. And this guy is like, man's laughter. Man's laughter. He goes, 15 to 20 years for laughing? Yeah.

man's laughter. I could totally see myself doing that one. That's a definitely Pazriski. Yeah, I'm like, oh, dude. There's this thing that we discovered a while ago, which is that

Chicks were disguising, basically flaunting themselves as that they were into yoga. And they were showing their pussy lips. So what they would do is like, check out this yoga pose. And you're like, this isn't about yoga. It would just show their snatches. And I think they were probably just doing it until their account got taken down. Because it was just, you know, it was filled with them in these crazy poses. And it was...

the shorts were like inside of their coochies. I'm sure you hated it, right? It was gross. You just kept looking and looking and looking. Actually, I'm the one that contacted Instagram. I'm like, you take this down. I was the one that did that. But so we found a new lane of, hey, how can I get away with doing this? Pornography. Which is under the guise of this is for stretching. Like, check this out. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh my god, yeah. He's like, I'm just helping you out. Yeah, nobody... Right here. Right there. Yeah. It would feel nice, though, to be stretched. Sure. My hips get so tight. Can you pull up his account? Because he seems cool as shit.

You don't see him doing that to like an 80-year-old babushka. No, she's like 20. Yeah, she's... They're always very... Got some cool tats and shit. She doesn't need to be stretched like that yet. She's like, oh, my hips are so tight. She's too young to have tight hips. That's in your middle age. Yeah, this is when you're fucking cool, bro. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, that seems like... Stretching. It's just all about... She's tight in on the tits and on the face for stretching. That's a young Russian face. Yeah.

yeah yeah nice whisper voice yeah what's he doing there is he helping that girl in the middle there look at her shorts do they is that how it's called unique stretching poses there's a towel hold on there's a towel go one up right there it's like

You could just put... You could put clothes. Right, you could wear like workout leggings, that's what they're called, right? Is that a face cloth? That started with him sniffing. You hear that? Yeah, why was he sniffing? On this right one here... What's the chocolate rub? There's not even... Unique back massage. Okay.

Then the person writes, it's back massage. Why is underwear removed? So this is a lane. This is a pretty cool lane. How far down does he have like... Wait, what's the chocolate rub? Is that sitting on someone's face? It looks like it. Scroll down to the bottom. You didn't know about that stretching technique? Oh, that's her own cooch. But his face is in her asshole. Hell yeah, dude.

Now is he advertising to go somewhere? Because these are just videos. Is it like, come to my place? Apparently it's just him and this girl. I don't think there's any real call to action. Check us out. But this has got to be a lane that's exploding. It's not just him. There's got to be more people doing this. There's always loopholes. Like that guy that fingers his own butt on YouTube and it's educational. Wait, show me the chocolate rubs. That cannot be medicinal. How's he going to sell that one?

What possible chocolate massage? It's good for you. It's good for your skin. This is the kink community. Oh, it's the ASMR. That's what it is. But why? But why? Exactly. Yeah, fuck yeah, dude. Hello, everybody. Today I'm with Yana.

Just helping people out. I'm a fan of massage. So here's the deal, man. Imagine being that girl. This is the tough part, too, because you're 20. You're broke. It's like in our day, you could do soft core pornography, and that kind of disappears, kind of. This is forever. She's always going to be on there. Yeah, she'll be there for a long time. It sucks.

Yeah. The other one that like, cause I got into chiropractic videos for a while. No, I know. I know. And they're fucking awesome. I think they're so, um, just like satisfying to watch, but there's like, there's a couple where the dude, it's dude chiropractors and they only adjust hot chicks. That's the only one. This guy's one of them. Yeah. This guy is one of them. He's this handsome Italian. Oh,

He only adjusts super hot chicks. Gotta get them views. View counts. He's like, hey, I'm just, you know. Yeah. None of these chicks need. Hands in her mouth. Oh, wow. Fuck yeah, dude. What is that? The fish hook? Yeah. He has, I'm pretty sure he probably has an IG too, right? The tension in her body. He's just like, I'm here to, I just am adjusting people. Jesus Christ. That's all I do.

Cervical pain relief. Yeah, like... She's 20. No guys get their adjustments? No, or fat people or unattractive dudes. There's nobody unattractive getting adjustments here? Well, the thing is that they... Oh, my God, a man. How many views are there, though? It's probably like nothing. Yeah, 63. That's for the gay dude. He was like, fuck this, I'm never doing this again. Well...

He's smart, right? Yeah, he knows what he's doing. Who the fuck do you want to adjust? What is it? Gabrielle Benedetti. Put the spaghetti on your tits. This one has 25 million. So he kind of was like, oh, I see what works. Yeah, he's smart.

Oh, his severe spine deformation fixed. That's 10 million. As I adjust you, my pants will sometimes be removed. It helps me move more easy. Oh, boy. There you go. So there's a whole... So there's ways around it. I know. Which is crazy. The crazy thing is that IG and all these platforms, they really...

Flex hard, try to shut down sexual things. I know. But fucking shot in the head. They're like, cool. That's fine. Here's an account where someone's goddamn ribs get run over by a bulldozer. And you're like, holy shit. Or animals eat animals. And they're like, no problem. But no sex. But it always...

I'm always like, why are you watching this? It's the same thing of like watching Dancing with the Stars to watch the skimpy outfits. Or you could just watch, you can watch pornography now. I think some people. I don't need this. Feel better about themselves, like safer. Yeah. You know, it's like more wholesome. Like I'm watching something titillating. Yeah. But I'm not watching the graphic. Yeah. Levels of it. They like the lower level. The lower level thing. I feel like it's so disingenuous. You do. I'd rather just watch pornography. Yeah. It's because you're a nasty person. Nasty bitch. Yeah. Right? Yeah. This feels so silly. Like.

You feel like you want to go, you want something like more intense, you know? I love it when my beast or my primal gets to come out of play. I especially love it when it gets to play with majors. Come get primal with major and I on our next temple play party, April 9th in Austin. Oh, that's here. Perfect. A temple play party. She's a tantric teacher, author of Beyond Cuddle Party.

There's so many good things in Austin to do. Cuddle parties, men's circles. This is obviously, this is old, but you know, I'm sure they'll come back. This is from a few months back. This is perfect. Tom, would you, would you want to do this? I would love to be a part of something like this. Go to the temple. Yeah. Yeah. I want to get primal. Do we get to pick the other people?

I don't think so. No, that's the bummer, yeah. I'm not interested. We need to send somebody here. We have a men's retreat we're talking to get them to go to, and we're going to send somebody to a primal party. I know, but didn't you meet the Tree Girl? I met Tree Girl. You know what Tree Girl also told me she does? What? She hosts adult recess. Perfect. I think that's actually really cool. I like the idea of adult recess. She has it. If you follow Tree Girl, I think her thing is Allison...

Wonderland, something like that. She posts about it. You can sign up and go to adult recess. I think our whole staff should do adult recess. I think we should too. That would be fun. Adult recess sounds fun, right? Yeah. Adult recess is a... It looks fun. It's like, I mean, you know, if you want to tree climb, you can do that. But the adult recess is like really like being a kid. I think it's a good idea. And I think the staff, frankly, I think you need it. Yeah, you need to play it.

Are you into adult recess? Would you do it? I'm going to be honest. I don't really know what the hell is... What is it exactly? Well, there's a thing right there. There's one of the highlights. Creating community... There you go. The second one. Oh, shit.

So, I don't know. It's just like, you know, playing games. Well, you know, I feel like when you have kids, it's always recess, right? That's true. You can either have kids or you can be in your 20s and do this shit. We see it all the time. Yeah, we're always playing with these fuckers. Yeah, we're playing. I had recess yesterday. Yeah, you did. That was a blast. That was fun. You guys had a good time. See? They're all...

They're all playing. That's cute. I don't want to play with strangers, though. I don't want to play with strangers. I want to play with my friends. But that's why I said we could do it with our staff. Yeah, I want to do it with the staff. Look how many people show up, though. They're having a good time. Yeah, that's cute. These are probably rope droppers. I see them starting the day early. They're all fit. They're all happy. They're having a good time. Drip dropped and they're playing with cups of water. That's fun. So anyway, that's in your future, Annie.

Me? Me specifically? No, no, I'm just saying that we're all gonna play. All of us. But you're showing up. Oh, okay. Look, they're playing dodgeball and shit. How's that not fun? You don't wanna play dodgeball? Dodgeball crashes. You wouldn't do that? Why are y'all trying to sell me on this? What's going on? I don't know. I like dodgeball. You don't like dodgeball? You don't wanna play?

Y'all think you're slick, huh? No, he always thinks something's up. Yeah, something's definitely happening, though. I'd be good for team bonding. Yeah. This is our corporate retreat. We don't do those, but this would be nice. I mean, I'll do it. I don't care. Yeah, I'm down. Yeah, this is just a silly duck-duck goose. Oh, my God. That's so much fun. Come on. I play that with our kids. That's fun. I did water balloons with him yesterday. It was the most fun. It's so fun. And it's going to be hot, real hot soon. Why not do a water balloon one? Yeah. Any? Any?

What? Why y'all fucking looking at me, man? What is this? Why won't Annie play water balloons with us? What's the deal, Annie? That's fun. Don't play with me, man. Well, Annie doesn't like stuff. Annie doesn't like fun. I didn't say that. I said I'm down.

Dude, did I tell you I'm on the ultimate white trash quest with our kids? No. To build the longest fucking slip and slide. Oh, slip and slide. Yeah, that's the shit. Yo, I've been buying like tarps on Amazon and connecting them and figuring out water supply. It's tough when you want to do a long water slide. It's so fun, dude. I put baby oil on it and let the kids just freak the fuck out. It's fucking so cool. But I think Ellis has a rash from it. His armpits are all.

What else can I use? Soap on the water slide? What about coconut oil? Wouldn't that do it? That's probably safe. That's good for your skin. They have so much fun. They freak out on that. Annie, want to come do that? You want to do the water slide? The tarp water slide? There's no swimming. It's on the grass. That shit's fun, dude. Well, tree girl, huh?

We're going to do a sleep recess. Did you stretch Tree Girl? Did I stretch Tree Girl? Yeah. Did you stretch her? God. Yeah, we did. I did a little back massage technique. I fucking knew it. Yeah. A little cervix massage? Yeah, yeah. I was like, hey, take your clothes off so I can rub your back. And I put a towel over it. I knew you did that shit, dude. Yeah. Pretty cool. You know what's funny, though, is that Tom and I,

I've known you for so long and I know you so well that when we travel together on airplanes, I just know there's a code of silence.

You do not want to talk. You do not want to interact. And I learned this because a million years ago, we were flying to South Africa for a comedy festival. We're next to each other and we were both eating our meal. You gobbled your meal up and then you put your headphones on and you're like, I'm like, I'm talking to you. I'm still eating. And that's when I realized like you're not,

into talking i am into talking on airplanes so we sat separately there and back to italy and when i i was on a plane to la and there was this cute couple in first class and i could see that the guy was sitting in my seat and i i had you know he switched himself and he goes can i sit next to my wife and i go that's so nice my husband never wants to sit next to me

I go, just because it's so sweet. Of course. Yes, of course. And I was like, that's really sweet. They were so happy, Tom. I'm not sitting in silence the whole time. You don't like to chat. I do chat, but it's just like, it's a fucking 10 hour flight. What are we supposed to chat for 10 hours? No, no, but you know, maybe.

Maybe I could sit next to you on the next flight? We did sit next to each other. No, we didn't. I sat way up here and you were back here. That was availability. We didn't go, hey, can I please separate? I sat, no, you sat in front and I sat behind you. Well, that was, but that was, that was what was available on that flight. I mean...

Just saying it'd be nice to hold your hand every now and then on the 10 hour journey Maybe next to each other next time I could see you but we but we took the seats like a fucking Iranian Saudi Prince in front of me the man is in front of them behind you but you're acting like we were like here's what we want to do, please create space It's just what was there Okay, remember when you ripped in the spa? Yeah

We were so tired. We got massages the first day we landed in Italy. Yeah. We were in the spa. And after it, he was laying next to me in the chill room. You were, your mouth was open and you were like, like fully ripping. And then this woman was right next to us. And I was like, oh no, I got to wake him up because you're ruining her life. Yeah. Yeah. It was sad.

Yeah. It was sweet. It's fun to snore and ruin people's time. Yeah. All right. Well, why don't you see what we have here for you? Yeah. Okay. Here we go. Shh.

Shit, what do you got for me? Want to make the perfect chicken every time? This is vile. Start with eight sticks of butter placed on your chicken. Add fresh rosemary, oregano, and thyme. Start warming the butter with your hands and kneading it into shapes. Cover your entire chicken. That's not cool, dude. If necessary, use a blowtorch to heat.

Keep working until you've got the entire chicken masked in butter. I thought it was a joke at first. Now turn it around and stuff it with some fresh celery. This keeps the moisture inside. Add a little bit of lemon. Pop your chicken into the oven at 400 degrees for two hours. Measure the internal temp to 185. Mmm, so good. Perfect every time.

Be sure to save that butter. You can use it for other projects and it's great on bread. No, thanks. Eight sticks of butter is insane. It's disgusting. This would give me diarrhea so hard. That's I don't understand why you would go that hard. You don't need eight sticks to make a buttery chicken like that. No. And you should. No, that's terrible. I thought it was a joke. Yeah. No. She's like, let's save the butter. Like, no, dude, this is a guy petting a wild wolf.

That thing looks so fierce. That thing looks so fucking fierce. Ah, shit. I'm so terrified. Why are you patting that? What is that? What the fuck is that? I think it's a coyote. Is it a coyote? I think so. He's got it to calm down. It's crazy.

He's crazy, babe. There's flies. He's just petting a coyote in nature. That doesn't want to be pet, but is submitting. And his hair is combed over. It's so weird. He's long. That thing's going to attack him any second. Oh, boy. Okay. Any second. Oh, this is this morning. Oh, wow. POV, the worst decision of your life.

This is a guy who's getting his beard tattooed on his face. Oh, man. Watch this. He's like, yeah, I like it. Yeah. Women get their eyebrows tattooed on, so it's not completely uncommon to do this. Also, everyone's just going to be like, oh, those dots. Yeah, but you can get it done really, really intricately such that people can't see. So this guy's getting his beard tattooed. But the fill-in is... Those look really big. Those are really heavy fill-ins.

This looks like someone who's never done this and that looks so dark. That looks like Sharpie dark. Like someone just was like, no, no. Look at his face. He's so bummed. His face is like, oh my God. Oh my God. Cause I've seen the really fine one before, you know? Yeah, you could do it. Like it's so, the micro needle. Yeah, yeah.

Honestly, you usually see it on somebody with a darker complexion. You know, like you see like Puerto Rican dudes and Dominican dudes where you're like, is that a beard or is that? Yeah, pencil-toed mummy. Yeah, it's like this faded thing where you're like, I can't really tell. This I can tell. This looks like you fell asleep in your three-year-old game with a Sharpie. This looks like Julian did it, yeah.

Fuck your face up in your sleep. His face, you can tell he's just like staring off and you're like, what the fuck am I going to do with my life? He's like, how am I going to get this shit off my fucking face? That can't, is this real? This can't be real. I feel like. This is the worst thing I've ever seen. It's so funny.

Why? Why? Duh. No shit. Why would you do this?

golden age of travel. We traveled back to Australia when they were six months old and it was so easy. They were still little enough so that we could get two bassinets which obviously really helps with offloading and letting them sleep. They also sleep a lot at this age and don't need to be fully entertained.

At around a year old, things start to get a little bit harder because one of our twins is walking and they're just more active at this age, so they need to be moving around. But it's still easy in the sense that they sleep a lot and they sleep wherever you put them. I feel like after they turn a year old, they get exponentially more active. They're also getting bigger and heavier and them sitting on your lap for 30 hours can be really difficult and tiring. But this age was nothing compared to when we traveled when they were 20 months old.

Fuck.

We also use the Jet Kids bed boxes and that helped a lot too. That looks cool. I wish I had seen this video fucking years ago. Our children would do none of this. Just, you know.

Ellis won't sleep on a flight to save his life. Nope. I would never take an infant on a plane. I was too nervous. Yeah. We were both too nervous. Anxious people. Yeah. I mean, God bless these people for doing it. Yeah, there's people that are just built different when they're like, we're flying to Tokyo. And you're like, okay. Nope. Not me. Not me either. I can't. I'm not. I can't. I just break down. It's too much. Ugh. Especially that toddler, two-year-old. Panda malls a zookeeper. That's fucking awesome. That's awesome.

Everyone thinks pandas are so cute and cuddly. That's the best part. Panda is mauling the zookeeper. So the panda's familiar with this woman. This is the person that gives them food. And they're like, fuck this. Maybe she didn't give them what they wanted. Yeah, dude. You're like, but the panda's just going to wave. Nope.

Yeah. The beer tattoo is fake. I think it's fake. There's no redness or bleeding. It's gotta be. That was fucking... It's gotta be. I mean, that guy gave zero attention. He was just like... Like, he was just like smattering it on. The dots weren't even at all. How was he gonna be like, here you go, man. You never know. Yeah. That's bad.

Oh, this is insane. I've seen this one. I require all my guests to use the bathroom outside. Hi, my name is Ivy Bloom, and this is my outdoor potty area. I used to let my friends use the bathroom in my house, but I've since learned how unsanitary that is. Before entering the potty area, I require guests to put on these foot covers.

and first-timers are required to read the rules. The most important rule is to dig at least six inches from an existing stick because that's where another guest has dug a hole. It's pretty simple. You just dig a hole, do what you have to do, and put your toilet paper on top. I provide seeds that must be placed inside to keep my garden growing, and once that's placed inside, you cover it up with the dirt you dug up and then place some leaves on top.

The last thing you have to do is mark the spot with one of these sticks. I do live in Arizona and it gets really hot, so I provide a bucket with refreshments and snacks that visitors can snack on while using the bathroom. And yes, there is a privacy curtain. Once that's done, they can take the covers off their feet and wash them in this bucket. Then they have to place them in this jar so that the next guest can use them. Once my guest is done using the bathroom, I require them to sign this journal. And I...

Do respectfully ask for tips because maintaining this area can get a little expensive. Well, it's certainly the easiest way to deal with going to the bathroom. Do you think she cares about number ones, too? Or can you number one wherever? Wait, and why is it unsanitary to use your indoor toilet? Do you realize that she has like 70 shits in her backyard? Different people. Yeah.

And also, I thought that human shit isn't good to fertilize food, which is why you get sick in Mexico because they use human feces. What? Isn't that the truth? This is what my parents told me. It's probably another one of these lies. That's definitely not true. I thought that the Mexicans use human feces and sewer to fertilize their plants, and that's why it gets in the water source. Can you Google why the Mexican water makes you sick? Tanner's saying this is spot on. Really? Yeah.

I'm not retarded! Tanner! You're not supposed to eat the cilantro in Mexico. It's like a joke, because all the farmers, they just poop in the fields. I'm not retarded. He's Filipino, too. Tanner's... Yeah, it crosses over. Yeah, and do they do this kind of stuff in the Philippines, where they use humans? Are you retarded? They just shit. Yeah. Anywhere, really. Yeah. This is a third world fucking... Well, Mexico's not a third world. I mean, very retarded. Yeah. See? Yeah.

I think I'm crazy. I do, yeah. And then low and be fucking whole. In 2015, the FDA banned some fresh cilantro from Mexico grown outside of Puebla from April 1st through August 31st due to the presence of human feces and toilet paper in the fields. The FDA investigated 11 farms and packing houses in Puebla over three years and found objectionable conditions at eight of those firms. The FDA found that the feces and toilet paper were found in fields and that some farms had no running water or toilet facilities.

Gotcha. So they were shitting on the food. Gotcha. Yeah. That's how you get sick. Guacamole fans, beware. The FDA has banned the import of some fresh... Oh, okay. There you go. That's how you get tummy trubs. Yeah.

There you go. Can't use human caca. I really feel like we shouldn't play anymore after her. I feel like that's kind of like the button on the whole bit. Well, listen, kudos to her. She's got her principles and she's very labor intensive. Yeah. And also, why are you going to your friend's house to shit? I don't really shit at my friend's house. And also, anybody who goes to see her twice, you know, if you go to her house twice, you must really like her. Really? Yeah. Like if you're her friend and you're like, I'm going to go to her house again, I might have to shit again in the backyard. Yeah.

That's, um, although I usually don't visit places and have to shit. No, I've never shit at really my friends. Pee, yeah. But like, if she's going to be like, yeah, go piss outside. I'm like, all right. Well, and another problem I was thinking about, she goes, yes, I have a curtain, but the curtain doesn't go all the way to the ground. There's still a good foot and you can see the person shitting. The other thing is like, let's say you're banging her, right? That, I was thinking about that too. So it's like you go over there, right? You're there in the evening at night.

You know, I got to pee. She's like, go pee outside. And you're like, okay. You do what you do. You spend the night. In the morning, you're like, I'm just going to go to the bathroom. She's like, oh, no, no, outside. You're like, no, I have to shit. She's like, yeah, I know, outside. And you're like, what? Right. She's like, yeah. And then she takes you through this whole routine. You're like, this bitch is out of her fucking mind. So I would think that like that's a one and done deal. One and done. Well, also, is she telling me the protocol as I have to shit?

Do you know what I mean? Because you're kind of, yeah, you're like, I got to go. I got to go. And she's like, well, you dig the hole and then here's my seat. Come the fuck on. Here's my boot. It's coming out right now. Yeah. Like, I know you got your shoe. Take your shoes off. And you're like, like, explain this to me. Like, right when I get there. Oh, check this out. What? I got these fireworks.

Remember we said we were going to set off those fireworks? We got five of these. Hell yeah, dude. So we're going to set these off at some point here. Fuck yeah. Texas, baby. Let's just do it in the parking lot. I don't know if we're allowed to do that, but we're definitely going to set these off. There's a field nearby with just homeless people. I'm sure we could do that. Yeah, they wouldn't mind. A little free entertainment. Yeah. Okay. Well, this was a lot of fun. Thank you guys for watching and thank you for listening. Go to the FedEx Coliseum. Go to FedEx Coliseum in Italy.

It was one of those loads, Christine, that don't stop. Christine, don't stop. It was one of those loads, Christine, that don't stop. Don't stop, Christine. It was one of those loads, Christine, that don't stop. Christine, don't stop. It was one of those loads, Christine, that don't stop. Don't stop, Christine. And it was endless. It was fucking endless. And when I took my dick out, she went, Thanks for stopping by. Thanks for stopping by. It was one of those loads, Christine, that don't stop.

Christine, don't stop. It was one of those loads. Christine, don't stop. Don't stop. Christine, it was one of those loads. Christine, don't stop. Christine, don't stop. It was one of those loads. Christine, don't stop. And it was endless. It was fucking endless. And when I took my dick out, she went... Thanks for stopping by. Thanks for stopping by. It was one of those loads. Christine, don't stop. Christine, don't stop. It was one of those loads. Christine, don't stop.

It was fucking endless.