DIDDY Do It? w/ Brian Simpson | Your Mom's House Ep. 753 01:48:03

I'm so full. I ate past my Ozempic today. I'm gonna throw up. I ate way too- You know what? I didn't even eat anything. And I don't think you and I have ever played Tom or Black. That's cricket right there! Tom. Ay-yi-yi! That's Mexican. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. What?

Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim. It's a good thing.

if you shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, smile more. Welcome! Don't work, no rec. Don't work, no rec. It's great to be back. Tom, this shit is bananas. Say it.

You used to do it back in 06, before Responsibilities and Kids. Remember? B-A-N-A-S. Oh, you used to love that song. You used to come in to the house and be like, this shit is banana. I feel like there are certain songs that even music snobs can't deny. Of course. It's like, you know, appeal. Catchy. And that's one of them for sure. Catchy. You know what song I like now that our five-year-old likes?

I can buy myself flowers. Do you like how I sing it? No, I don't like it. I can walk in the sand. You could be a fan of fucking Tchaikovsky and you would like this shit as bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. What got that into your head? I don't know. It just popped in there. Maybe this outfit I'm wearing, it harkens. Yeah, you're wearing an outfit of somebody many generations younger than you. How dare you.

How dare you? This is not... This is my Eastern European heritage. You're wearing something that a college-aged kid would wear. No, this is a timeless Eastern European Baltic Slavic look. Hmm.

This is timeless, Tom. That is true. What do you mean? My ancestors wore this jacket. Yes, they did. My dad wears this. He's 80 years old. You're telling me my 80-year-old dad can't wear this? He can. He's wearing the outfit of somebody many generations younger than him. Well, you know what? This is what we do. Okay. You just don't get it. You don't have a good cultural identity. You're a fun older lady, and I think that's nice. You're going to tell me...

I am older, I agree, but you are aging way worse than I am. We're both rotting, to be clear. We're both aging and dying. Yeah, you have a lot of specifics for me. Well, I'll tell you why, because I'm going to meet with a plastic surgeon in LA. I'm going to have my upper blephs cut because they're very droopy and I can't see. You don't want to be a droopy dog. I don't want to be a droopy dog. My dad did it at my age, so it's time.

And then I'm going to do Botox and Philzies and I'm going to pause there for like a decade. Okay. That's my promise to you. I'm not going to go crazy. You're not going to be crazy cat lady. I don't want that. And also what I learned with filler in the lip, the reason your lips shrink, they don't shrink. They actually roll into your skull because you're dying. You're dying. You're rotting. Yeah. What do I need done? Okay. So you...

Your lower blephs are dog shit. You look terrible. You need to get your under eyes done. It's going to take a couple months to heal, so you need to take time down. But your nose is getting so long. It's grown exponentially in the last... Look how low his nose is. Look at that. You know how you look like the father from Coming to America? What's the actor's name? Amos. The girl's dad. Amos. Dude, your nose is so low right now. She says that I look like...

John Amos. Yeah, that's your nose. You have his nose. Look at his nose. Look at his nose. See? You see it? Look at it. Look how long and the tip is. And your nostrils are getting very big. What, dude? You're aging like John Amos. That's who you look like. And his blephs are better than yours. Yeah.

No, your under eyes need help too. That's a very, I see. It's a point. It points down. Yeah. That's where your nose is headed. That's my nose. That's where it is. Shit. Yeah. It's getting, but don't you see it? Don't you feel it? I don't feel it for sure. I definitely don't feel it. No. Yeah. Cause last night I was looking at you and the profile. And you told me, you're like, God, your nose is really growing. And I was like, cool.

So what should I have? I should have my lower blephs done. This is established. You need the blephs. And I would even do a little upper bleph to even it out. You can't just do one and not the other. You have to do the full eye. Look. Oh, and then, yeah. No, I take it back. Because I thought maybe Michael Jackson, before he touched his nose, but his nose isn't like your nose. Yours is pointier and hangs down. He had a pointy one, and then he went real crazy with it. Yeah. Like after he started doing surgeries. Yeah, then he ruined it. Okay, so he's so cute, though. Spooky. Oh, and then he got so spooky. Dang.

I'm spooky. Hey, what's wrong with having a child in your bed? It's the most loving place. Remember that shit Martin Boucher was interviewing him?

What's wrong? He said, an eight-year-old man. No, an eight-year-old boy with a 40-year-old man. What's wrong with that? So loving. What's more loving than sharing your bed? Yeah. Remember that shit? That's cool. We were like, yeah, it's fine. He's famous. He could have kids in his bed. I should have a nose job then? I mean, I don't know how to remedy this. It's a nose job. You'd have to cut the tip off because it's too long. Maybe they could shave like a few millimeters off.

It's going to fall further and further. 20 years from now, dude, it's going to be down to your chin. You know what it'll look like? It's terrible. I can tell you exactly what it'll look like. Ready? Yeah. That's what you look like. Yeah. That's exactly what you look like. Like a bald eagle. Like an angry eagle. It's your meanies. Your eyebrows are getting meaner. Do I have that black guy's nose?

Fuck, no, you don't have that nose, man. That's a Filipino wide-ass fucking nose. That is not... But I'm not talking about the width. I'm talking about the pointiness, how it points down and flares. That's what he... See, look, look, look, look, look. Come on. Look when Tom flares his nostril. It's like this. Go ahead and flare. Yeah, he's got that guy's nose. No, I have that guy's nose more than he does. What you mean? I got the wide-ass...

I'm not talking about width. You're talking about the dip. But it's a nose, man. I thought I had a normal nose. No, your nose is growing. It's getting bigger. I do agree on the blephs. I know that. You need to get your under eyes done, especially before your next hour. Can I tell you? Well, no, because you're on people's TV screens. It's in 4K.

I'm so full. I ate past my ozempic today. I'm gonna throw up. I ate way too- you know what? I didn't even eat anything. I had like a fucking English muffin and I feel like I'm gonna throw up. Well, here, Taylor, this will make you feel a whole lot better. You ready? Here you go. Pussy matters! Black lives matter! I'm paying for all of this! Black lives matter! My pussy matters! Have a great time, ma'am!

my pussy matter you make no sense that's glass don't break glass don't bring anyone loving to this

Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura and Christina Pagitsky. Welcome to your mom's house. Terrible. Terrible. Terrible. Yeah, that's what you're going to look like. I know what he looks like.

Um, Josh. Google Gringotts Bank. Oh, Jesus Christ. Okay. There you go. Those guys. Those? Yeah. And your ears are headed that way, too. One of the goblins? You're from black man to goblin.

That's what aging does, folks. I'm going there, too. My ears have grown. The clearly anti-Semitic...

trope that they have in Harry Potter where they're like, where's the money? They're like, it's in the bank vault. And then these guys are like, what do you want? And they have fucking big noses. Yep. Yeah. No, no. We just, we just made characters and they're greedy and they like, hold on to it. Yeah. It's so obvious. Right. Josh solo. Do you feel, you look a little chewy. I mean, the whole thing feels kind of like you can't deny it. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, JK Rowling. Respect. Respect. She's been accused. She's been accused of a lot of stuff. Of being hateful against the trans and the pronouns. Being a TERF, right? What's a TERF? You don't know what a TERF is? No.

Isn't that a pretty well-known term? I don't know. Oh, you're Christina. Yeah, I'm an idiot. I raise kids. I'm not cool. Is it on TikTok? If it's on TikTok, I'll know it. It's all over the place. I think she's labeled that by, yeah, the trans-exclusionary radical feminism. Oh, my God. Is this because of colonialism? Well, it's actually, it's all about the financial sector. They're the reason why all this is happening. Oh, okay. Yeah, so somebody who's just like...

They're feminists, but they don't include the trans women. Okay. Wow. I don't want to be a TERF. Well, this lady's not a TERF either. No. Her pussy matters. She's telling you the pussy and black lives. My pussy matters! Now, why did she lump in black lives with her pussy? She was just showing you. She's like, oh, do black lives matter? My pussy matters. She's very upset about something.

And she was breaking, I don't know, those candles? Those are Yankee candles. Those are really good. I like how the lady's like, have fun buying all these. Yeah, you fucking bitch. Stupid bitch. Pretty cool. Well, I'm glad that I have my whole future facelift and everything lined up. You got to go meet this plastic surgeon I'm meeting with in L.A.,

I'm gonna throw up. Did I tell you what I did? I owed, I fucking. You OD'd? Yeah, let me tell you what I, well, let me tell the audience why did you know what I did. But, so I started back on the Ozempics and the doctor goes, you know what? Since you ate right through it last time, I'm gonna start you on a higher dose.

And I'm like, all right, fair enough. I'm a pig. So he goes, start at like 10 units. So it comes time for me to start. And I go, I don't know, 10 units sounds like a lot. I haven't been on it in a minute. I'm going to dial it back to five units. So I give myself the injection and I go out to barbecue with you and the boys. And I'm like, dude, I can't even like, like I feel nauseous. I can't even eat this bread. My mouth is dry. I feel like I'm going to throw up. And then I wake up in the middle of the night, like super nauseous and just like,

I'm taking Tums and stuff. Like something's wrong with me, dude. And then it comes again for my dosing time, like a week goes by and I haven't eaten shit. Like I'm like, this is working this time. Like I am, I'm down like three pounds. I'm starving. I take a bite and I'm like, oh, I'm full. This feels great. You know, full eating disorder, like full blown. Right.

And then our friend is over who's a nurse. And I go, hey, just let me just confirm this dosing because I'm not so sure. Like, should I be taking more or less? And she goes, well, how much did you take last week? And I go up to here. And she goes, what? I go, yeah, five units. She goes, Christina, you took 50 units. She's like, that's enough for like a 500 pound man. And I'm like, oh, well, it fucking worked. I'm not retarded. Yeah.

I know what I'm doing. But it was good because I feel like, like with me, you have to start off harsh like that and then I'll stop eating. How are you now? Great. Well, now like I have an English muffin. I feel like I'm going to throw up. Perfect. Nice. Enough fuel. Just enough. Enough fuel. Yeah. It's working.

Go to your happy place for a happy price. Go to your happy price, Priceline.

This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. I think they mean us. With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, only on Peacock.

I'm down a few pounds already. I'm excited. Let me give this update real quick. Yeah. Oh, God. Limited tickets for the upcoming shows. June 7th in Kansas City at the Starlight Theater. June 8th, Camdenton.

Missouri at Ozarks Amphitheater. June 12th, Wilkes-Barre EPA at Mohegan Sun Arena at Casey Plaza. And June 15th in Bangor, Maine at Cross Insurance Arena. Bangor, Maine? Bangor. Bangor? Finger Bangor.

Also, we just announced the second leg that includes September 14th in Denver, Colorado at Ball Arena in the Round. Balls Arena. September 28th in Toronto, Ontario at Scotiabank Center. And November 9th in Fartnicks, Arizona at the Footprint Center. Very exciting stuff. All tickets are at TomSegura.com slash tour.

Don't Google my name and the city and buy from a third-party site. That's why people message you. They're like, I can't believe your tickets are $630. Yeah, that's not the ticket, dude. So where should they buy? Buy it from the website. That takes you to the actual... The website, your website. My website. If you just Google it, you're going to end up buying a third... That's a scalper. You're buying it from a scalper. This happens...

Every tour, every time. And they're like, wow, I paid $900 for these tickets. And you're like, what are you doing? These dirty Gringotts. Because they don't even go to the website. They buy it from like one of the, you know,

A scalper who bought a bank of tickets and then they sell it on one of the ticket sites. That's terrible. It sucks. Those guys are the worst. Guys, don't do that either. Come see me in Los Angeles May 8th at the Masonic Lodge at Hollywood Forever. It's in a cemetery. That's exciting. And I'll be wearing another immature outfit, as my husband says. And then The Funny Bone in Orlando, Florida, August 16th and 17th. Orlando. I forgot. I am May 9th.

In Los Angeles also. Oh, yeah? Yeah. At the Magic Got AIDS at the Forum. Oh, that's where he got it? He got it in the locker room probably. For sure he got it in the locker room. He'd fuck like seven girls after a good game. You think so? Yeah. You think he'd fuck girls? He'd bring them in the shower and just bang them all in the shower. So cool. And then James Worthy would jack off in the corner. Yeah.

That's the documentary we've all been waiting for. I can't wait to start because here's the deal, man. The music industry is being exposed. We're all figuring that out. The comedy industry blew up when they were doing Me Too. That's next is we're going to find out all the creepers in the sports sector. In sports? Yeah, like we know some of it. I'm not saying it's never been, but I want to hear these locker room stories. I want to hear more about that. Locker rooms have been happening for generations. But what happens in there?

What happens? The Dominicans shower by themselves. Is that right? Yeah. They slap their dicks against each other and stuff. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Baseball players will tell you pro baseball players will be like, yeah, we don't shower with the Dominicans. They do their own thing. They do their own thing. Yeah. Cause they're like hypersexual. They'll like, they'll come up and like slap you in the ass with their dick. And they're like, Hey, what the fuck, man? But another Dominican will be like, Hey, that's how we do it in Punta Cana. Yeah, man.

That's how the DRs do it. They fucking dick slap. They fuck, man. They fuck. And the Ricans, too. They like to fuck, huh? Oh, you would know that. I know. They do like to fuck. Remember when we went to Puerto Rico and everything was hypersexual? No, that was Dominican Republic. No, no, no. Again, this is DR, too. Oh, DR is when they showed, like, hardcore pornography on the hotel. Yeah. Television. You kept making me change it. You're like, why do you keep putting that on? I'm like, because it's cool. I go to the bathroom and I hear, happy. Yeah.

And then they ask you when you check out, there was a question, they go, what was your favorite channel? And I was like, fucking 69. Yeah, dude. Your porn channel that runs 24 seven. In the hotel. You know that I did that one time? That was wild. So when I studied abroad, I did a semester in Spain, in Madrid. Yeah. My dad came to visit one time. And so when he came to visit, I checked into the hotel with, like he stayed in a hotel. So I stayed in the hotel with him. And he was calling my mom.

to like just to check in like here's what we're doing and as he's doing that i'm on tv and i'm flipping through the channels and they had the same thing they had hardcore porn so i left it on as he's talking about he was like and there was just a lady getting plowed and he was like dammit

He's like, yeah, we're going to go to this thing. And I just left it on. He was like, change the channel. I was like, no. Did your mom even notice? No, she didn't. She's on the phone. But I turned the volume down, but I made it as the TV stand. He was like, and then he hung up. He was like, geez. And it was some lady. She was getting like plowed by like a huge black cock. And he goes, can you imagine?

Can you imagine? Yeah. Which part? Being the lady or being the guy? I think he was imagining being the lady. Can you imagine having to deal with that? Shit. Shit. Like, yeah. Speaking of. Did that feel cool to watch porn with your dad? Well, I don't feel like I watched porn with him so much as I just, like, tortured him by. You didn't get aroused at all? No. No. I mean, it would have been weird if we watched it for an hour together. That's what I'm saying. How long is this? It's like if he was on the phone for a minute, you know? Ew.

They never stop arriving airtight emails. And we have another one today. This one is titled Stuffed by Footballers. Wow. Before the pandemic, I was in college traveling Europe with some friends. I was at peak slut operation at this time and decided to risk being kidnapped into slavery for the plot. I met a professional soccer player from Africa on Tinder and decided to meet up with him.

The other players were saying, okay, not fuck me at the club, but fuck me from the club. Like, they were at the club we met. Jesus.

It was my first time trying anal and your racial suspicions are right. They all had huge dicks. I winced from pain at first, but I had a crowd of men to entertain at this point. Three from the club and now one more who had stayed home. So I wasn't going to let anything stop me.

I switched positions and called upon all the women who had embraced interracial gang bangs before me to give me the strength and I took those dicks. I was in a sort of doggy position, one behind me in the ass, one below me in the pussy, one in my mouth and one in my hand. Wow. It was so impressive it should have been filmed. I was never an athlete, but I consider this a type of championship come dog performance. Keeping them high and tight. Can I tell you something? I think a man wrote this. Yeah.

Just like the way that it's written. Yeah. I find it hard to believe that a woman wrote this. I agree. It's not from a female perspective. And the choice, the wording, the way that it's written. Yeah, I'm a calm dog. It's very male. It's very male written. And we need this verified. I don't buy it either. I don't think, Abby, I don't fucking believe you. And I don't think your name is Abby, Jim. I don't think this is true. I don't think so either. Do you believe this?

It's hard to believe. I mean, it's so perfect. Don't you think a guy wrote it? It feels like a guy is writing this for entertainment. Yeah, all the jokes sound like Liam Neeson. It's very male, called upon the women who had embraced interracial gangbangs before me. It just feels like... That's true, because, yeah, we wouldn't say it like that. But you know what? It's entertaining, but I prefer true stories, Abby. And also, it lacked detail.

You know, because usually they're like, well, why sat down like... Four football players? Jesus Christ. I know. It lacked technical details, I'm saying. I do remember there was the... It's her first time doing anal. And like, you know what I mean? You don't go airtight your first time. Do you remember there was the soccer players? That's not historically true in our case. There were soccer players. You could probably find this if you Google this. There's soccer players...

that I think they got all these Thai girls to go back to the hotel and they filmed it. And they were making them eat their ass. And it's on camera. And then they had to apologize. But they definitely, yeah. Oh, because they were saying racist things. They were saying racist things.

Wow, they were mating. Nothing more degrading you could do. Eat my ass. Yeah, how's that fucking Kung Pao Sal? Yeah, that's an insult to injury. And it's that guy. Yeah, this fucking guy. God, men are just monsters, I tell you.

Men are really monsters. They want to learn. I'm like, why do you have to be jerks about it? Like you got these nice Thai ladies back to your room to eat your ass and then you have to be a jerk on top of it. You don't have to do that. Why do you have to do that? Just let her just be cool, dude. Probably because they got bored of being nice. You know, they've done it before. Why does it always have to go dark and sexual with guys like the Diddy stuff? No. And then like...

I just feel like guys always go to that, like sexual. It's really interesting though. But why? Why? Because I don't know if I've heard like the really good explanation of it. It always has to incorporate sexual. I know, but women who want this type of thing can do it and then they play it cool. You know what I mean? That's what it usually feels like. Like I'm saying, if a woman were to partake in something like this, she does what she does and you know, she's just kind of...

Because she's not mean about it, I'm saying. You know what I'm saying? Like when something goes hypersexual. Okay, okay, yeah. But guys always like, they have to do something to make you go like, what the fuck did you do that for? Well, like Epstein. Like it's all dudes going there. He's not a bad guy.

- Like you don't hear many women doing shit like that. - No, I know. - They abuse children. Yes, they abuse, but they don't like. - I know. - It's just so dark when they have to incorporate. - You have to assume after this, 'cause it's not one or two occurrences, it's hundreds and thousands and millions. That means we just have to be wired differently.

Get started with Greenlight today and get your first month free at greenlight.com slash Spotify.

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We are wired differently. I think I read something about women, like because we have more empathy, which is why we live longer and we are caregivers to children. Like you guys really do lack empathy. And I think some of it's testosterone, truly testosterone. I mean, you hear it when people transition from female to male, they're like, I took testosterone. I was like, you're fucking, I rule this world. Like that's not how women, I'm not like that. But why does everything like, how come every,

gross thing is a man's request. Dude, I have no idea. Like you rarely hear like the something that's like offensive. You're like, Jesus. And the guys are like, I like that shit. Like all these cool guys up here. It's a, we have a,

Dedicated. We honor them. Dudes. Yeah, yeah. There's not one female cool guy. Well, I want to hear you shit in the toilet. I know. And make sure it's quiet so I can hear you shit. Yeah. I want to hear that. This is male. You don't hear women asking that. Not really. Not really. We just kind of go along with what you guys want, I think. But why is it just tea? That's what it is? Well.

I don't know, maybe because two historically women haven't been able to forge their sexual identity independent of men. I don't buy that argument either. I was trying to do it. I was trying to go for it. Well, we're not as perverted. Maybe. I don't know. But I guess my thing is like, why are we the perverts? Because you don't have to care for children. I honestly think because we bury, we have the burden of the reproductive system.

Yeah. Stuff. We got to take care of babies. But does that mean they can't make us crazy? If you didn't have that, there would be more perverts. Yeah. Then we'd be our children and killing them more. I mean, it happens. It's an anomaly, but women have to be made more compassionately because we,

foster life yeah you do isn't it because that's what we were built for killing and being and stuff like to fuck like that's that's our biology is like built to fuck oh yeah that's that's what drives us is like the whole the whole thing if you go back to a less civilized world the man's whole purpose is to spread his seat

Right? Yeah. To reproduce. But then it goes wrong. But when does it go wrong when they get violent and sexually violent? Well, we do wake up with a boner every morning. Oh, my God. So I think we're just, you know, we're used to it, so we've got to keep upping the ante, you know? And when does it go wrong? Yeah, like the wires cross. When they get rejected, especially consistently. Yeah, yeah. Then they get real fucked up because then they feel that they're blaming the world. You know, they don't get why...

- Okay, I like your theory. However, what about guys like Diddy? Who's not being rejected, but just who gets a tremendous amount of money and power at a young age. - Because that is intoxicating. That's why. - I also wonder if he did get rejected before and then now he's just become power. - Yeah, 'cause he wasn't like her. - True, could be vengeance. - He wasn't the coolest guy before, right? Like his coolness evolved with his success and his wealth. - And stature and money and yeah.

Yeah, people were like, you're the coolest guy ever once he was wearing like sunglasses indoors and you know, I mean had fur coats on it. Like they weren't saying that when he was 23. Sure, sure, sure. That's dark. But he there's a darkness within him because there's a darkness within all of us. But then if you are able to exercise that power and keep silence where you need with wealth and access everything with your power and wealth,

And you tap into your darkness, then you can get somebody like that. Or like if you look at J-Lo, like she's apparently like such a big monster too. You're like, why? J-Lo? Yeah. There's like, there's this thing on TikTok where they're like, tell me one good story about Jennifer Lopez. Apparently she's just a monster. Like there's this one, there's this one, not like that where she's like sexually assaulting people. No, of course not. But I'm saying like there's this one great clip even of,

She's got gum in her mouth and she has her assistant come over and the assistant just puts out his hand and then she spits the gum into another human being's hand. And you're like, stop it. Like, no, you don't do that. She's just mean. But what is it about certain people when they get power and money that they just go dark? I think some of that has to do with the fear of losing those things. Maybe. When you access like the top tier things.

A big thing about that, people think like, oh, you're top tier. All those people that are like at the top, top, top also have a fear of not being at the top. And so that manifests itself in different ways. Like some people go crazy internally. Yeah. And some people go crazy externally. Right.

Right. Yeah. It's like they don't want to lose that stature. Right. They don't want to stop being number one. It's a personality disorder. Right. The personality disorder blames the other. And then the neurotic blames themselves. Sure. That's probably where it goes differently. Yeah. It seems like she blames the other. Right. Oh, yeah. It's someone else's problem. I'm perfect. You're crazy. Yeah. Wow. Can you imagine being Ben Affleck and having to deal with that? He's got his own shit, too, though.

He seems more self-loathing. Like I'm, I'm a self loather. So I tend to go with his type of personality traits. Maybe. I mean, he's an addict. Sure. Yeah. Sure. Respect. Respect. Yeah. He's a great director by the way. He is. Yeah. So talented. Underrated. Um, check this out. We got a message from this dude. He goes, sorry. Uh, it took a bit to get back to you. I just made it safely away from Garth.

Before...

See?

so he's super friendly there's trish he's a comedian i don't know how they make any money yeah this kid uh aj he looks nervous he's like yeah he's so stunned he's like is he gonna snap my neck yeah yeah i get it dude well thanks for uh

for the message and also be thankful. Say your little prayers tonight that you made it out of there alive. Yeah, no kidding. Sandwiched in between Trish and Garth. The queen. Right there, pause. Mrs. Yearwood. Yeah. He calls himself Mr. Yearwood. Ugh. Ugh. I mean, Trish. Yeah. Speaking of crazy gay shit. What's up, babe? Let me ask you something, babe.

Just imagine you down here on your knees. Daddy's doing this to you. Good girl. Good girl. Just imagine that. Right? Come here. Come here. Holler at your boy. You want this? DM me. DM me.

Again, aggressive dudes. Yeah. Daddy DeMarco. Also, he said good girl. Yeah, I noticed that. That's interesting. I guess the question is, is that for a girl? Is that what he calls you as a man? As a man. That's especially demeaning. Yeah, it's a double time varsity demeaning. It's cool. He had that video about how you'll need Tylenol after your asshole's done. Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. Yeah. That was terrifying. I don't like this at all. Yeah, I know. That's why I played it. Thanks.

It's fun to do that to you. Yep. This is a fun one. Happy birthday, Felicia. Happy birthday, Felicia. I'm seeing these guys. I'm taking you. I'm taking you. To sit home. To sit home. Segura. Segura. Love you. Love you. Segura, man. That's cool, right? These guys are great. Segura. Segura.

You love it.

I like these guys. Yeah, I know. That's a fun vibe. You like your name. They do this, they do shout outs. I know. It's so sweet. I've seen it before. It's cool, but I like it. It's good. It's good vibes. Yeah. I figured it was a nice transition out of Daddy DeMarco. Sure, sure. That's what he plays for you after he's done. He's like, you did a good job. I hope your asshole heals. Stop.

Okay. Should we take a break? Yeah. Okay. I'm bummed out. We went from making my asshole bleed. The sagura dance, which I loved. I mean, I'm trying to think if I have something. Can we take, cheer me up though? I'm not, I'm not a good place. Okay. Hold on. Anything like. Let me see what it would make you. There's nothing violent. I know.

That's everything? No, no, I got a bunch of stuff. Yeah, you know. Josh Zola's got a good suggestion. Oh, yeah. That always cheers me up. You don't know this one yet, right? Is there anything diarrhea related? You'll like this. Going for a fart walk after dinner is something that's going to help you age wonderfully. And if you follow me, you know that my husband and I go out for fart walks most nights after dinner. So about 60 minutes after we've eaten.

We put on our running shoes and off we go. Now, why do we do this? Well, we eat a lot of fiber, so we have gas. Everybody does. And yeah, you fart when you walk. So that's why I named it that. But the main reason that we do the fart walks is because by walking for as little as two minutes, we usually walk for about 10, 15, 20, but not really quickly. It's more of a moderate walk.

we are helping reduce our chances of developing type 2 diabetes. Why? Well, because walking is helping maintain our blood sugars, keeping them from ricocheting all around. And as you age, especially after 40, you have a bigger chance of developing type 2 diabetes. So, it's these little things you do on a regular basis that can have a really big impact on your long-term health. So...

Sign yourself up for Fart Walks. You want to know something? I invented the hashtag. Yeah, so on my grave. She's sweet. The Fart Walk inventor. She's right. Bert got type 2 when he was 51. He did. Yeah? Well, he also drinks Kool-Aid gallons of it. I don't think it's just the Kool-Aid.

Yeah. My dad does this. He talks about this. He says, you ever notice why men get up and smoke a cigarette after they eat? Because you're outside farting. Everybody's farting. Everyone's farting. That's true. How do you like that? Were you going on a fart walk with your lady?

- Yeah, I'll go on a little fart walk, sure. Yeah, I'll build up, I mean, you know, diabetes, I'm pretty sure that's coming up, right? - Diabetes. - Fart it out. - Do you fart in front of your lady? - Yeah, of course. - Oh, wow, I'm surprised. - Yeah, it was crazy. I said that in front of her dad and he looked at me, he's like, "Really?"

I mean, I'm just surprised. I didn't know that, like, I could tell what he was saying. I didn't know niggas did that. Oh, wow. What, farted? Yeah, in front of the, yeah, because we don't do that shit. I definitely don't do that in front of my niggas, like, in front of my bros, no. Oh, you just do it in front of her. That's interesting. Fuck yeah, I ain't doing it in front of her. Does she fart in front of you? She will, but I feel like she's holding back. Yeah. Yeah, that's nice. Trying to keep it sexy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I invite them, though. I'm like, baby, it's fine. You don't got to. Every time she does, I'm like, there we go. There's one. Wow, you really like this chick because you were very anti. Yeah, that's right. I'm just fucking around, man. It's very surprising, man. You're always anti-fart around here. Yeah. Very anti-fart. I try to fart and wink at him all the time. Oh, he doesn't like to fart and wink. That ain't happening. That ain't happening.

That ain't happening. You should welcome those. Nah, nah, nah. Is it too gay? It's too gay in the week? I don't know. With the bros, it's supposed to be. It's disrespectful. It's disrespectful is what it is. No, with bros, it's the whole game. Like, bros fart in front of each other. That's a very strange perspective on it. Not my bros. Really? Yeah, nah, we ain't cool like that. That's level one for who you fart in front of is your other friends. Shit, not me.

Really? So you go lady before your friends? Yeah. Yeah. You guys don't see how fucking... Yeah, I would never fart in front of my friends. That's wild. That's crazy. You don't trust your friends. He literally has a POV on everything that I've never heard before. No, I know. I mean, that is like, I fart in front of my friends before a girl, for sure. Yeah, that's where you start. That's where you start farting. Yeah, I'm surprised too.

I'm shocked because usually you're so against any kind of body fluids or body functions so that you would freely fart in front of her. What about your browns when you do shit? Do you shit in front of her? I mean, like, she ain't going to be in the room. Okay, Jesus Christ. Yeah, like, but that's just because that's crazy. Will you fart at a urinal? Will I fart at a, well, I mean, see, I did that once and then that's when I shat my pants so I ain't going, uh-uh.

I was on a date with a chick. And yeah, I did that. I farted in the urinal and I was like, oh, I feel so good. And I'm like, damn, that's like kind of warm too. I'm like, oh no. Luckily I was by myself though. I was by myself. There wasn't anybody else. Had you cleaned up?

I mean, clean up. I took off my pants, threw them in the fucking trash can. I was washing my ass in the sink. It was horrible. Holy cow. Yep. I called my homie, Sean. He fucking came and picked me up in the car. Yeah, it was horrible. It was horrible. That shit. That's a ride or die, though. I ditched that girl, too. I never talked to that bitch again. I never talked to that bitch again. I'm like, I can't. It wasn't even her fault. She had nothing to do with it. Yep. She's a bitch. I'm sorry. Honestly, it wasn't going that well anyway. Whatever. It was cool. Fucking bitch. I dipped. I'm like, I'm sorry, man. I can't.

I can't. Or Zola, would you fart in front of your guy friends before a girl? 100%. Of course. It's funny if it's a guy with a girl. Me and my friends and brothers send recordings of our farts to each other. Yeah. Yeah, it's normal. The whole office has to get Annie in on this. I know. Annie, start farting. How is this going to work? We need a campaign that Annie starts farting in front of us. Yeah. You've seen us fart. Why don't you sign for you to fart in front of us? I don't know why.

I mean, I'm chilling. I'm chilling. I ain't going to do it. I don't trust motherfuckers. I don't know. It's something about disrespect. I can't be disrespectful. Disrespect. Disrespect. Yeah. Okay. Cool. Thanks. Okay. All right. We're going to take a quick break and we'll be right back. Black Lives Matter.

All right. Ready in Chumash. And we're back. And you can check out the new special live from the mothership at any time streaming on Netflix. It's Brian Simpson, everybody. Yo, was he counting down in German? He was doing it in Hebrew. Oh, Hebrew. Like a real J. Wow. I thought it felt scarier. Hardcore.

Do you think, Brian, do you think that German Shepherds are an inherently racist dog to have? Yeah.

Thank you. It feels like it. Yeah, it doesn't feel, they don't feel like they, very discerning, you know, they're very stubborn. Yeah. Yeah. And they have a, look, their resume, it's not the best resume. No. Between the Nazi party, black police, or police forces in the South during the 60s. Yeah. You know, German Shepherds, they did their thing pretty well in both. They're inherently racist. Yeah. They were like Jews, blacks, like they just, it's in them, you know?

I've only ever seen one German shepherd with a black family. Really? Oh, wow. My grandfather had a German shepherd named Pete. Pete? And? Yeah. Was he racist? Pete. Did he hate your grandfather? No, he was old by the time I met him. Yeah, they beat him down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He broke his beard. Yeah. He's like, they're making me live with them. Yeah.

- Yeah, he should try to ride them like a horse. - Yeah, they're big. - Yeah, fuck that dog up, something serious. - Yeah, good. - Yeah, which dog, okay, so which dogs, so that's usually a white family dog is a... - Well, the white family, the whites like... - The German Shepherds is one of them. - Depends on income. - The golden retriever. - It is income. - The whites like a golden retriever. - That's a very white family dog.

Well, it depends on who you're talking about. White families want to go to a retriever. But white women like useless dogs, like little tiny dogs. Yes. The tinier, the dumber. The shih tzus. Love it. The idea of having a dog that you have to protect is so crazy to me. Right. Because some people are like, the dog is the guard. Yeah. And what kills me is these hoes are like, I don't want to date a man that's under six foot because I don't feel safe. And then you get a fucking dog.

that can't do shit for you. That's like a cat. That's a good point, dude. I like stupid, useless, tiny dogs. Really? She does. I'm the worst. But then lesbians like huskies. So there you go. Oh, is that a lesbian thing? That's a lesbian trope. Like a trooper group?

But yeah, they like, they're like Subaru's and Husky's. Husky's are Subaru's and the dog roll. It's like, you want to go over the top and signal that you're lesbian, you just get a flannel shirt and a Subaru with a Husky in the back. That's such a lesbian car. Wow. Yeah. Lesbians just love four wheel drive. Yeah. They love that. They love traction. You know what I mean? Cause that's all they got. I always thought that, uh,

I saw more Rottweilers with black people. Yeah, I saw a lot of Rottweilers, a lot of pit bulls. That's an aggressive dog though, no? Yeah, they can be. I mean, pit bulls, a lot of people, you'll hear people say they're not inherently aggressive. And it's like, okay. Yeah, you can train them to be more aggressive. It does seem like their nature is kind of aggressive. Well, the problem is just that

If they decide to be aggressive, they're going to fuck you up. They got incredible bite force. I don't know the numbers. I remember reading about this too. Pipples. Yeah, pitbulls. It's like if they just one day just flip. Remember the one, because everybody thinks about that one video of the lady who her pitbull just bit her fucking face. And then afterwards she was just crying like sorry. You know, it's like, okay, so your pitbull is bipolar. And if they decide to flip that switch, there's nothing you can do about it. Nothing. Nothing.

I know. I did see like, I remember we knew somebody who had a beautiful Rottweiler. Rock Wilder. You're not even saying that. Yes, a Rock Wilder that was really well trained. Yes. It was an awesome dog. It was a great dog. I don't think they inherently aggressive because they used to, they were originally nanny dogs. They were originally bred to protect babies. Really? Oh. Yeah. That's nice. So I don't know where the, you know. Well, much like people, right? If you treat them,

you abuse them enough, they'll become aggressive as well. Or some of them can just be retarded. That's true. That's true. I swear, man, I ain't gonna say his name was this comic who I used to dox it for. Cause I don't know if he went this business industry, but they had a dog. Like he, he had a dog that was, I think was, it was literally autistic. Yeah.

Like when I was housing with this dog, like this dog made me Google, can dogs be autistic? Because I'm sitting here like, I spend the hours with this motherfucker and I had to tell him, like dog, something's wrong with this dog, like mentally. Yeah. And when you look it up, it's like the people that have studied it say that they can be autistic, but there haven't been enough studies. Yeah. But this dog was, this motherfucker would just, he would forget who you were. Like you basically watching him was,

every 20 minutes having to reestablish dominance. Oh, wow. Because he would try to bit you up, nip at you. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. One comic, another comic was doing it in my place because I didn't do it when we were getting in and the dog fucking bit him and ran off when he tried to walk him. Really? Yeah, you gotta like, you gotta like dominate this dog. What breed of dog? He was a, he was a bull terrier.

My cousin had a boxer that was, it was a little Riri for sure. Because he would just walk in the hall and he would walk backwards like, and as he swing, he would hit his head against the wall. And I was like, yeah, this dog is dumb as shit. This motherfucker would just go in circles. Yeah. Just zoomies in circles. It's like, yeah, something's up with this dog. There's something wrong with that dog. Yeah, for sure. It's got emotional problems. Well, the more inbred they are too, you know.

You need a genetic diversity. The pugs are fully like, the pugs are so stupid. That's the most suffering dog. Yeah. I know. Can't breathe. Can't sit right. No eyes. Eyes are fucking bulging and looking in different directions. They're so cute though. They are cute. God, I wish I could have 10 of them. I would. There's people that make having a pug, their whole personality. Oh yes. And my mom had four. Oh man. Yeah. I know. Is that a sign? Does that mean something?

I mean, I think she does better with animals and people. I think that's one of the signs. For sure. Because they don't speak Spanish. Yeah. They don't speak Spanish.

And yeah, I mean, there are people who are just like, you could tell they operate better when they're just with animals. I do. I'm one of those broken toys, as David Tell would say. Yeah, I look forward. So my son has asthma, so he can't get dogs really in the house until he outgrows it. I can't wait to get like five dogs when my kids leave and just like nap with dogs. I love napping with dogs. Really? I love waking up with a dog in my bed. There's no greater joy.

And they smell, I like when they get old and their mouth smells all fishy and their paws smell. - That's definitely a woman thing. Like having a dog in the bed is a no-no. - Ooh, I love it. - 'Cause then, you ever try to fuck a girl that has a dog?

The dog will try to be, he'll be all sniffing you and licking you and shit. Yeah, and you have to wait until she's turned to kick it and everything. Right, exactly. And it's like, oh, no, because he thinks that's his bed. He don't understand. Who are you? Where? Why are you fucking in his spot? But you don't like animals sleeping with you? Have you ever had a lovely cat or dog that you've napped with? I have a cat and I love what my cat does. What my cat does is,

She comes in for the snuggle when I lay down. Yeah, that's nice. But she's always gone when I wake up. Oh. Because I move around a lot in my sleep. So she's only there until I fall asleep. And then she takes off. She takes off. I don't even know where she sleeps at. What's your cat's name? Millie. That's a good name. Does she wake you up in the morning to feed her? No, no. She got an automatic. Oh, that's smart. She got a bowl.

Yeah, you can record a little voice in it and it's like, hey, fucking din-din. You know? And it calls her over? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So that's how you still, because the only way you can even remotely kind of train a cat is for you to be associated with the food. Right. So I want my voice to still be associated with the food even when I'm like gone for a couple days. So it plays it. It plays your voice. Yeah, it goes, hey, food. Yeah. But it's in my voice. That's adorable. That is cool. Millie, how long have you had her? I had her for about four years.

I never would have pegged you as a cat guy. I'm not a cat guy. So then how did Millie come into your life? I love my cat. Fuck all the rest of them cats. I will drop. I have. I have football punted other cats for fucking with my cat. Yeah. Yeah. I don't give a fuck about them other people animals.

I care about my animal. That's so true. That's how I feel about other people's kids. I don't give a fuck about my kids. She chose me. You know what I mean? Like you walk by all the fucking starving cats and sometimes they'll want them all. Yeah. I'm like, yeah, this is the one right here. Is that what happened? Yeah. I mean, I found her on Craigslist. I think the lady lied about her story. Yeah.

What was her story? The story was that Millie's a white cat. Her brother's black. Right. So already it's friction. But this lady got divorced and started fostering kittens. And when the other kittens came into the house, you know, I guess her brother switched up and started being with these street cats. Hmm.

Millie felt some kind of way about it. So then she hostile towards all cats, you know, and this lady was like, she won't, she won't like be happy piece in the house. So we keep her in the garage. So when I showed up, you know, she was in the garage with a little post that it would look so pathetic. Oh, so sad. She's so good at looking pathetic. And then,

And when I walked out into the garage, she reached out and was like, "Yeah, I'll take her." - Isn't that how it is? - But that story's a lot. This is a street cat that you just thought was cute. - Yeah. That's true, but our first child, FIFO, our first love, that's FIFO up there with the six dog tits. That's exactly how I found him in a shelter in Downey, California. And I was in the pound and all the sad dogs were there and he just walked right up to the,

the cage and just kind of looked at me and I go that guy and then they let you socialize with the dog and I was sitting down on a bench and FIFO jumped up in my lap and he put his paws right on my chest right for the tits and I yeah right for my tits and I was like you're my guy you and me dude this is the guy and that was it this is the love of my life was this dog yeah that was that was our soul dog FIFO was our soul dog this is my last pet like if something happened to her that's a wrap

It's a wrap. I don't want no birds, worms, fish, nothing. It is a lot of work. If you were a bird guy, it'd be perfect. Like Brian Simpson's got birds? Yeah. I wish you would get into birds. Or a reptile guy. Those guys with lizards and snakes and shit. Because I don't have the space. Because you know what's so funny? There's a lot of shit I thought I wasn't into until I could afford it. Yeah. And now I'm like, maybe I am. Maybe I am a car guy. Yeah.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Welcome to the team. Like maybe I'm in, because when you talk about it before, it's like fantasy. Yeah. It's like, who's in the boats? I don't know anybody that has a boat. It's like guys that can buy a boat are in the boats. Yeah. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. That's so true. When it's not even in your periphery, you can't even fathom it. No, no. Yeah. I'm thinking about rabbits lately. Wow.

no there's smart ones you can get because my kid's not allergic to rabbits no have you had a rabbit has anyone had a rabbit i've been to a house that had a rabbit that should smell like a barn bro all day i don't want that then i don't want that but i want an animal god but you got kids two animals it's enough it's enough no it's enough they up it's like having 10 dogs

One kid is having two dogs. Two kids is having 10 dogs. They both came into my room when you were gone. They came into the room. They were wearing underwear and goggles with hammers. And they go, where's the fucking Jeep? You sold the Jeep? And I was like, huh? And they're like, where did you put the Jeep?

And they meant the little kid one that like a kid, one of theirs was broken. They're like, you sold that. We're going to fix it. And I was like, you don't know what the fuck you're doing. What are you talking about? They had real hammers. And I was like, it's gone. And they're like, why would you sell our Jeep? I was like, back up out of here. It

- It was broke, it was completely broken. Like it just didn't work anymore. So we got rid of it and they're like, you sold it? - But they wanted to take it apart and like look at the engine and smash stuff. They like to smash shit, throw it over the fence. - Or they think the real world worked like Fortnite. - Oh, Minecraft. - They're in the side of the house. There's, you know, there's dirt and some rocks and he's in there. It's just, I'm like, what are you doing? He's like, I'm mining.

fucking hammering. Yeah. So I couldn't deal with it. They'll do it for hours, dude. Can I say something? The destruction of our property, I've surrendered to it and I almost enjoy it because it's just crazy. It's so punk rock. Like that part I like. The emotional torture of having kids is what's really tough.

when they wear you do they trigger you up you're like fuck I kind of like the destructiveness it makes me laugh like I can see the humor because I like well that's what money's for I'll just replace the door what are you going to do meaning I'm not happy about it that's why poor moms are frustrated that's right but I'm not going to stress out because this is the one reason you have money okay fuck it if I can throw money at this problem

It's not a problem. - Great. - I agree. - I mean, it's not amazing. I don't like when they fuck shit up. - I tell them, get your hands off my fucking car. - Yeah, he doesn't like it. - I'm like, no, you've got hand prints everywhere. Get out of here. - 'Cause it's almost like, y'all don't have any of the excuses my mother had, you know, to stop your kids from fucking shit up. Like, y'all ain't waiting on no security deposit. - No. - You know what I mean?

You're going to make me lose my goddamn deposit. No, it is emotion. That's the emotion of it all. Oh, we fucked up some deposits. They test you to your limits all the time. They're always trying to hurt themselves. Oh,

always they don't realize like danger they just each other up for real like sometimes you ca like you hear about sometimes you hear the scream or sometimes you turn the corner at a perfect moment and you see one of your sons going like just like clock and the other one and you're like and then the other one's like hey and like they don't even respond the way you think they would they just got punched and they're just like rolling with it god damn it brothers each other up yeah bro there's a whole generation my whole generation like i'm i'm pretty sure

like a large percentage of the people that's crippled now, it was from getting power-drived and power-bombed and shit. You know what I mean? 'Cause when I was little, that was right at the end of when people, that was right before everybody was 100% sure that wrestling wasn't real. You know what I mean? It was like back when niggas still thought Chinese people could fight, you know what I mean? Like everybody knew kung fu.

And everybody was like, yo, I'm power bombing you. I'm Stone Cold stunning you. Yeah. Piledriver. Yeah. I'm talking about for real. Outside on the dirt. Piledriver. Boom. Just like because they saw it on TV. Yeah. Here you go. I thought my little brother was changed forever when somebody piledrived him. Our neighbor kid piledrived him. Really? Yeah. And fucked him up? No, it didn't fuck him up at all. Oh. But I was like, yeah, but that was close, man.

That was close. It hurt. There was a time when everybody thought that every Asian guy knew Kung Fu, right? Oh, yeah. People were like, fuck with that Chinese. Right? Not just Kung Fu, but like Chi. Yeah. He can fucking hit you from over here. Yeah. They completely dropped the ball. That was a time where everyone was scared of China. Yeah, totally. Yeah, they could have just...

We all got into like ninja movies and shit too. We were like, they're all ninjas, man. They all know that shit. We all thought they knew all the secrets. You thought that every Asian dude had Chinese throwing stars? Oh, yep. Yeah, and Bruce Lee was like awesome and banging white chicks and stuff. I don't know. Yeah, it all fell apart when wrestling did. Yeah. When the illusion over wrestling fell off, that's when everybody was like, oh,

oh, don't know, he's got superpowers. And then the UFC kind of really killed that. Yeah. UFC's like, you want to see some real shit? Right, right. This is people, because I'm like, why don't one of these masters come win this? Yeah. This tournament.

That's so true. Remember early UFC when they would put like a high level Taekwondo, you know, he's like an instructor and they're like, this guy's like one of the best Taekwondo. And then they'd put him in there with a guy who just like kick boxes and grapples and that guy would beat the fuck out. And you'd see blood pouring out of his face. Because now instead of racial, now it's like instead of Asian people in Kung Fu, now it's just.

dudes with cauliflower ear yeah and jujitsu but it's true cauliflower ear is a real sign to watch yourself yeah oh yeah because that's a motherfucker that first of all it means that they can deal with suffering so even if you broke their fucking nose that's not gonna be it that's not it yeah and it means they're gonna they can roll your ass up which is a scary fucking thing yeah or it means they enter some real kinky shit that has nothing to do with jujitsu yeah it's true it's so true

True. Also, first of all, congrats on the special. We haven't even said that. Yes, congratulations. We've been watching, obviously, like we're huge fans of yours and watching you like just develop your act and your standup over the last, I mean, I'm trying to remember when we first met you. Yeah, I met me in 2018. 2018. Yeah.

And man, look, you've gotten just, you were great when I first saw you, but you've just gotten so goddamn good, man. And so I'm really happy for you and for the special. Yeah, yeah. This shit's awesome. Yeah. Yeah, man. Like finally, like all this time waiting to put that motherfucker out. Yeah. I filmed it in August. Was it in August? Wow. Yeah. And it was just a bunch of other, a bunch of shit going on. So it couldn't come out. It wasn't going to come out before the end of the, before the beginning of the year.

but just to finally have it just out there. - It feels good, right? - Oh yeah. I watched it too many times where I have started to hate it. - Yeah. - It's normal. - So I was like, I just get it out. It was like being, it was like, it felt like I was like 10 months pregnant. - Yeah. - You know what I mean? - Sure. - Get this motherfucker out. - Yeah. You want it.

After you resign to like, hey, it's shot, it's edited, and you deal with the anxiety of getting the cut right, then you're just like, just fucking put it out, man. Let me be over. Let this be over. Let's start again. Yeah, I guess that's the one downside to doing it on Netflix versus like YouTube or something. It's because...

you know, it doesn't come out till they want. They decide. Yeah. That's really the only downside. They give you the date and you're like, okay, this is your date. Yeah. But it was awesome. I was in the top 10 all week till, till, till came out. Well, fucking top 10 is legit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So maybe that means, I don't know what that means. Honestly.

Hopefully it means more people buy tickets. That's what it's going to be. That's what it's going to be. You got to give it a little breathing time to be out. By the way, I have a whole new hour, by the way. I'm not even doing that. Yeah, of course. You're one of the smart ones. Yeah. So you come see me. It's not going to be any of that stuff. Yeah. People always ask that too. Is it going to be the same thing that we saw? Oh, right. No, of course not. No, you fuck. No, it's not going to be. How about this?

Have you been dying to ride Seven Dwarfs Mine Train at Disney World's Magic Kingdom, but you weren't sure if you'd fit? Seven Dwarfs Mine Train is a thrilling roller coaster that takes place in the Diamond Mine from Snow White. The line for this ride is always super long, but the queue is adorable and has plenty of fun things to do, like sorting jewels like I'm doing here. I had a lot of fun with this one. Seats on this ride are unfortunately molded, making them pretty narrow. Safety mechanism on this ride is a glide and lock lap bar. It does not need to get to a certain point to lock.

That being said, there are two metal sides to this lap bar that your legs need to be able to fit in between. As you can see here, it was a pretty tight squeeze. Deanna and I, unfortunately, were not very comfortable, which we were pretty bummed about because this is a really fun ride. Deanna and I are sizes 3X and 2X. Despite being uncomfortable, we would ride this ride again. But one of us who is a size 3X that it's not worth being uncomfortable for. Those of us 4X and 5X are not able to ride this ride. So wait a minute.

- Yeah, she does. - Wait, she goes around the world and sees what she's too fat to do? - And then she reports to other people like, if you're this size, this is what it's like to ride this. - Damn, I wonder if she tried just taking a survey first.

And I'm just curious, what is she multiplying when she say two times what? I think she's saying she's a double XL, triple XL. Large. So it's two times large. She's asking what's the X. She says she a two X. Right. So two larges. Double large, right? Is that what that means? No, I'm saying like when you buy clothes, right? There's XXL. So what does it mean? XX. That's two larges. But I think she's talking about like, it's like her scale of like fatness. Yeah.

Wait, what do you not understand about 2X and 3X? Well, I'm trying to understand. Is that what you're asking? Is why is it X? What I'm saying is I don't think she's referring to clothes size. You don't? No. I think she's saying, I think that's just her category of bigness. Like her own category? Right. Not like a standard 2X? Yeah, because women's clothes ain't always 2X and y'all are like size something. I think it goes L, large, XL. And then now we have 2XL, 3XL.

So what's like the size six and size 25? Those are normal people sizes. Yeah. No, but no, but like a woman who's a size 14, I don't know when it goes up to. But a 14 is like a large size, right? Yeah. But that's what I'm saying. Is that a 2X? Is that a 3X? Is there an equation for 14 to like XL? I don't know. Yeah. I don't know because I'm not that fat. But I'm sure there's a bunch of big bitches in her discord that know what she's talking about.

You know what I'm talking about? Yes. Yeah. And by the way, there's a reason you can't fit into these rides. They're children's rides. Right. They're children's rides and they were made in 1989. Yeah. These are for kids. Back when no one cared about fat people. Yeah. There was no accommodations. Y'all didn't count as handicapped. And they are, she's right. These are, the whole design of this park is for children. Kids. They're just like, kids, are you nine and want to have a fun day? That's what I'm saying. Come here. You're saying it's not for two exes, but you're literally like

25 times the size of the person that's supposed to be riding. - That's right. - But I love this though. I love that they taking, that they doing this, 'cause I mean, this is helpful. I mean, how many people, how many big people are trying to ride this ride though?

Nobody. Like big adults. But I don't know. She does it for other stuff. Wait, can I tell you what's... Have you been dying to eat at Steakhouse 71 at Disney's Contemporary Resort, but you weren't sure if you'd fit? Hey, everyone. We're plus-sized park hoppers, and we range in sizes from 2X to 5X. On this episode of If I Fits, I Sits, we're eating at Steakhouse 71. This restaurant opened in 2021 and quickly became one of our favorites. If I Fits, I Sits. The majority of the seating here is table seating.

but they also are booths. The chairs are a bit oddly shaped, but comfortable enough. Some of the chairs have arms, but you are welcome to swap them out if needed. As for the booths, it does look like the tables move, but you can always request a table if that's what you prefer. We've been lucky enough to try brunch, lunch, and dinner here, and today we're having lunch. The menu here is pretty small, but everything is delicious. Ashley started out with a wedge salad, which was huge. And yes, we do eat salad, despite what some of you might say in our comments.

Sarah got the petite fork and knife Caesar salad, which she really enjoys. And the star of the show is this amazing French onion soup. Sarah gets this every time we come. Take a look at this cheese pull. Have you ever seen something so beautiful? For entrees, Ashley got the prime rib sandwich. She thought it was good, but the prime rib was a little dry. Katie got the best burger of her life, and she was able to get it gluten-free. These burgers are what they're known for at lunch. Sarah, Deanna, and I all got the steak frites.

These were delicious and I love the chimichurri on top. We were too full for dessert this time, but we have had their creme brulee and chocolate cake in the past and they are incredible. Look at that cake. Fucking A. That's a piece of cake? This is our favorite restaurant and Disney property right now. Make sure you follow us for more plus-size Disney content. Oh. So, are they strictly Disney?

Because I feel like that's a very niche audience you got there. No, there's Disney adult brand and they come in all sizes. They're all weird fucks. They're all weird fucks. But this is just the fat niche. All Disney adults are weird. The Disney fetish is more disturbing than the... That's just funny. But that's helpful. It's like, hey, I'm going to go be uncomfortable and fat so you don't have to.

you know so you don't have to yeah yeah I'll report to you how uncomfortably fat I was at this thing right

She said they range in size from 1X to 5X. 2X to 5X. Oh, right, right, right. 2X to 5X. I mean, because that's not, that can't be accurate. So you're saying, because a 1X is what? Okay, so he brought up the chart, Josh. Let's look. See, I'm not sure I understand fat sizes either because I didn't understand. So you're looking at this top row here. So these are like the women's dress sizes and then this goes up to 2X. So an 18 to 20.

It would be equivalent to 2X. Oh, I thought it was multiplying. So a 3X is going to be like 21 to 25. And then a 3X is going to be like 25 to 30. So that means 5X, which they go to, would be like a size like 40 or 45. In US inches, not in like European...

Inches? Yeah, but... So that's what I'm saying. So you think... Isn't that an inch? Sorry. Because I'm thinking of like European sizes. There's like a size 40 in Europe. It's not the same as... But I'm looking at this girl right here. Listen, if she...

If she's a 2X on their scale, that's already bigger than 45. Yeah, she's big as fuck. Yeah, those are inches. The bust? No, no, no. The inches are below that. The top line is just the number size. The numeric size. But that has nothing to do with inches. Yeah, you saying them titties only 46 inches around. Wait. Wait.

No way. If you wrapped it, the busters will not wrap around your whole chest, right? I think it's from the nipples. Out to the furthest most titty. You saying this girl, she got a 37-inch waist?

And a 46 titties? No way. No way. She's way bigger than that. So their scale must be something that's just to them. Yeah. They speak that language. Right. I never thought I would spend half the episode doing whole math with y'all. You know what I'm saying? Fat math. Yeah, fat math. Yeah, this is different. But I appreciate these people, you know. Keep on being fat for others or whatever. Trying to make the world more comfortable.

for people. Yeah. But isn't it too, like, I'm just thinking about the ride itself. If the ride is not meant to accommodate your weight, how are they letting them on? Because the physics of the ride get affected. No, that's a hazard. If it's a roller coaster or whatever, and you're not supposed to be five XL, two five XLers on there. I imagine these two women have won a few lawsuits. They probably know who they are when they come in. They'd be like, yeah.

We need the reinforced... 'Cause they look like they gonna complain. Like you can't, you ain't gonna be able to hit them with that. You can't, you weigh too much. - You know that like when they walk into and you're the manager, you know, you see them and you go like, ah, like you sigh. - Right. - 'Cause you know there's gonna be demands. - Trauma. - Immediately like, yeah, is this concrete reinforced? Is this, are these seats drilled into the floor? - Right, it's tough, it's tough.

Because I've seen, you know, I've seen flight attendants get super uncomfortable. Yeah. When it's like, you know, when they got to go get the extender. The seatbelt extension, yeah. Because it's like, because it's a lose-lose. Because if I don't give it to you immediately, your reaction can be, why the fuck do I got to ask for it? But if I wait for you, you know, if I bring it to you ahead of time,

then the reaction would be I don't need a fucking descender what are you trying to say right and then if you do it in front of everybody later it's like embarrassing to them right so it's like how do you pick you're supposed to be discreet I guess everyone's getting bigger and those the airplane seats are getting smaller yeah and it's a problem this is that's what their video should be like yeah how do I fly like how much of my arm fat is on the other person's shoulder god I hated that

When you fly next to a fatso? You've sat like this with somebody before? Oh, yeah, yeah. Nah, but I don't do that no more. I just, we just touching. We're touching. We just touching. Yeah.

Because I ain't about to be uncomfortable. Nah, I'm not about to be. Then you get off and your back hurt and shit because you've been lifting up a cheek. You know what I mean? Nah, I'm not doing it anymore. I'm not being uncomfortable. We're just going to be touching the whole time. Have you ever moved because somebody was, you ever request to move? No. Wow, Tom. I did. Because they were too fat? Yeah, yeah. I told the flight attendant, I was like, I can't sit here.

You could flip it and be like, I'm too big to be beside this big mom. Oh, you could do that, yeah. I was like, me and this fucking walrus can't sit next to each other. Was this back when you were huge? I was pretty big, yeah. But they were like extra big. That's my favorite thing is when a fat person gets upset at the fatness of another fat person. Yeah. Actually, that was one of my most prideful feelings is that I would be like, I'm fat, but this person is so much fatter that I get to play not fat in this interaction. I watch people justify alcoholism that way. Yeah. Yeah. They're like,

I go through a gallon of alcohol every day, but I'm not a drunk like fucking. I didn't realize we were going to be talking about birth this much this episode. So no, that is a big thing that I think that's a big human behavior thing.

Do you know what I mean? Like when it comes to, like you're saying, if you're fat and someone's fatter. Yeah, you love it. Then you go like, this is a problem. At least I'm not. Yeah, if you drink and someone drinks more, you're like, that's what a problem looks like. Of course. That's what I do. Every time I'm at a public pool, I'll be like, I look like shit, but I'm not that bad. Yeah. I'm not that bad. That's a fun one. I'm not that old. Then you go to a beach or a pool that has like a lot of fit people and you're like, the fuck?

That was the shitty part about living in Southern California. So many good looking fit bodies. So many. Austin has a lot of fit people. I feel like when you're in the city, what is it called? The Greenbelt?

You just see joggers. Yeah, they're fit joggers. I mean, the dudes are all shirtless jogging. The women are all in their tight leggings. Everybody seems fit when you're out there. Right. I'm like, who's eating all the barbecue? You're right. Yeah. Yeah. Because it seems like Austin is a...

unusually fit city. It's an outdoor active city. But I'm pretty sure Texas also has like three of the fattest cities in the country. Houston's got to be one of them. Yeah, Houston's definitely up there. Dallas. It's in the top 10. I don't think Dallas is on the list. Houston's way fatter. Can you Google it? Fattest cities in Texas? Yeah. Well, I will say when I was on the flight to Canada to Vancouver, I was like, dude, everybody's so tiny on this plane. Like the Canadians are tiny compared to us. Multiple Texas cities ranked as the fattest. Yeah. This is wild.

That's great. Scroll to the list, though. Here we go. McAllen. Oh, wow. San Antonio. Congratulations. Dallas. Dallas, Houston, El Paso. Austin is six. Austin, Round Rock. That's crazy. Well, Round Rock is outside of Austin. Oh, so these are like the areas within? Yeah. The actual locations there.

Yeah, Round Rock is not proper Austin. No, no. So that would explain it. That's like mall Austin, like strip mall Austin. Yeah, that's not gentrified. And look at our score. Grading on a 100-point scale, McAllen, Edinburgh,

is 83 austin's way down at 69.5 oh yeah mcallen is number one in the country is it because we'll go up see the number on all the way on the right like austin's number 56 all right it's number one in the country right those are these are just the top six in texas but so austin round rock is 56 right in the country that's not bad holy shit but mcallen edinburgh what is what is it about that yeah what's going on there how maybe they have like the most chain restaurants or something

What are they? Like maybe it's just a Chili's next to a Whataburger next to a fucking Domino's. Or maybe it's some very specific kind of Christianity there where like eating is a big part of it. Oh, maybe. They looked at 19 key metrics, it says. McAllen Metro has the highest share of obese adults, 44.9%, which is two and a half times higher than Asheville, North Carolina. Also has the highest percentage of physically inactive adults, 36%.

almost two and a half times higher than Provo, Utah, which has the lowest rate. The Texas sweet tea barbecue, Texas, who wouldn't want to be the fattest when there's so much delicious food? I like that positive spin on it. But yo, so wait a minute, are they saying almost half of all the adults in that city are obese? Obese and...

close i mean you're getting close to half are physically inaccurate so they're stuffing themselves and sitting down so is that like mecca for these women where they like everyone has to eventually go to they should open an amusement park yeah they would just go to mccall and be like i don't know everything here is normal yeah fine yeah dude yeah everything fits because there's got to be wide everything yeah right yeah oh yeah and you're right so i didn't even think about that brian when you were like disneyland was built

in what 1946 or something. - Yeah some crazy or something. - Starts so people were much smaller back then. - First of all, I'm also not getting on no wood and roller coaster. That shit ain't past inspection. - No way. - All that crickety sounds. Nah, I'm good.

It's not worth it. Have you got on any roller coaster or none? Oh, no, I love roller coasters. Oh, you do? Okay. Eventually, I'm going to go on a little tour. I'm going to try to go ride all the top ones in the world. Really? That's a fun thing. To organize a tour around that would be fun as shit. And also, you can make it so that if you advertise that, that those parks coordinate with you and you get full VIP treatment and kind of stuff.

That could be a cool thing, especially if you document some of it, you know? Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's a whole plan. That'd be a cool thing to do. The roller coaster tour. Yeah, man. Because it's something to go back and forth with one another. Have you been to... What's the shit as far as parks in the States? What is the best one? Is there a mecca of... I think the Bush Gardens is near New Jersey. Oh, really? Because they... I think... I could be wrong, but I think they have...

roller coaster that was number one for a long time and then Japan beat them. Oh, yeah. Or something like that. But it's the same roller coaster, it's just faster and bigger. So, I think it's the Busch Cars in New Jersey or Six Flags, but it's like around, it's in New Jersey. Let me ask you something. Would you fart in front of your friends before a girl or would you fart in front of your girl before your friends? That's funny.

Which is like more normal to you? I fought in front of my friends before. Wow. Yeah. I mean...

We all said that. And then Annie's like, hell no. That's disrespectful. To your girl? Or to your friends? Well, yeah. I mean, I don't do either. But if I had to let one out in front of one of those groups. Your friends. Your friends over your girl. Man, because I get furious when people make me smell their farts. You see? I will put you out of my fucking car. This is what I'm saying. But some people think it's hilarious, but I'm just like. They're white people. Come on, man. Come on now.

I love how Eddie gets extra black about specific things. Yeah. Okay, he also doesn't like it when we're in the office. That'll mean like here, but like I'm near the front door, he's down the hall, and I fart and he looks at me and I wink at him. He fucking gets mad. Yeah.

You be winking at him? No Diddy? No Diddy. Do you guys know people are saying No Diddy now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love that. I love that. It's a wasted movement. Like, we should have kept No Homo meaning what it means. Yeah. And No Diddy should mean, like... Were you a fan of Paws?

No, I think it's all kind of silly. I think pause is kind of... But if you're going to do it, no homo should be a third thing. I mean, no ditty should be a third thing. Like a no sex trafficking? Like no homo is when you say something gay accidentally. So no ditty could be like when you accidentally... Sex traffic. Yeah. Oh man, no, no. No ditty. I want to separate you from your family. No ditty. No ditty.

Stay in this room until I get back. No Diddy. There you go. Right. No, we just did it. There's food on the floor. No Diddy. It's not too late. We might penetrate culture with this episode. Then we could. What do you think of Diddy's whole scandal? Man, I can't call it. You know, who the fuck knows? Because they're not being very specific about it. But I know...

I know that, you know, the Homeland Security don't do bi-coastal simultaneous raids. The feds don't raid because they heard a rumor. That's not how they work. Right. Like, they coming for your ass. I think he fled the country. Yeah, that's the rumor. I mean, his legal team put out a statement, which is to be expected. Right. You know, of course, innocent and we'll clear his name and all this and that. From Aruba. Yeah. It's like...

That's what innocent people do. I don't know. I think he's been living a dark life, though, for a while. I think he's somebody who got very rich, very powerful, and pretty young. And that can change you in a lot of ways. Yeah. He's a psychopath. Yes. And that's the thing. That's why I'm not rushing to Diddy's defense or anything like that. Yeah.

I don't know him. Like, I've only ever heard dark things. Yeah. Me too. You know what I mean? So, he guilty of something. He guilty of some of that shit. Yeah. Probably. Yeah. Yeah. So, so, well, you know, I don't understand these people jumping out the window and be like,

oh, they taking down another one of our heroes. Diddy's never been my hero. I don't know anyone that's ever said that. No, that's true. No one's really into that guy. No. Who else is like, I want to be like Puff Daddy? Who's saying that? No, I just think that he was, you know, he really, there was, I mean, there,

There is that era in the 90s where Bad Boy was incredible. He has a tremendous impact on music and all of that. But he screwed a lot of people over. Yeah, and I mean, you see Mace talking about it. Finally. Mace was like, reparations are coming. He seemed pretty happy. And that was a guy that was very, obviously, close to him for a long time. Yeah, until he found Jesus. Yeah.

Imagine going from murder mace to a preacher. Yeah. But he's always been pretty vocal about the fact that like, that he's not a good guy. Yeah. But whoever thought that though? Well, yeah. Yeah. So they about to take his ass to pit down. Yeah. And even if he's in some country with no extradition, they're going to get his ass. Well, yeah. They're going to freeze your assets. They're going to fuck you over somehow. They're going to start fucking with your family. You know, like just make sure your son can get a permit.

you know all that kind of what about usher they i saw something this morning about like didn't usher when he was a teenager spent like a year in diddy's camp or some there's a lot of people that have actually yeah but yeah but a lot of people i don't put all that creative like people are gonna everybody took a picture with the gay or something i don't think he's gay there's weird like that that clip with him and justin bieber he's like how can you not call me back oh my god and beaver's 15 he's like um i've just been

working and stuff he's like call me back man it's fucking weird man yeah yeah the show business is weird it is weird yeah and Huff's a weird he's a weird guy y'all you know but you know what y'all like yeah though is there's no there's no me too for the women in power

- What do you mean? - It's a lot of fucking women that do that same shit. - I would like to hear about them 'cause we were talking about it earlier. It seems like it's all dudes. - It's mostly dudes. - Where are the psycho women that are peeing on men and sexually trafficking and doing all these awful things? - Well, men aren't reporting about it. They taking the bag. - Sign me up. - I'd like to hear it. - Puffy not pissing on you for free. He gonna get you something.

Right, he makes you famous, right? Like he'll make your career. I'm curious. I'd love to hear about it. So a man would take that piss and be quiet.

because no one cares like no it's not like men go other men ain't gonna feel bad for you well that's so true because drake bell this nickelodeon scandal too if you guys have seen that uh about these that so dark anyway drake bell was sexually assaulted by a producer on nickelodeon on a nickelodeon show and he wouldn't come forward and talk about it because he was so ashamed because of what you're talking about this masculine thing of like it's

it's embarrassing yeah because men's reaction to that is like why the fuck would you have done that as opposed to as a kid though you let you let because you'll get you'll get empathy from women yeah

Yeah, yeah. Remember Terry Crews? Yeah. He was like, the dude grabbed his dick at one of these parties, right? Yeah. And it's like, women were the ones that were like, oh, that shouldn't have happened. And most dudes were like, you let a nigga grab your dick at a party? Oh, yeah. Right? That's going to be men's reaction to it. And everybody's biggest fear is for other men to see you as less manly. That's so true. It doesn't matter if women are coming to your age. Other men are going to be like, you're a bitch. Yeah, that's true. Because Corey Feldman was coming out like a decade earlier talking about

and show business and how he and Corey Haim were literally taken to ring parties and like passed around and you know but they were like young teenage boys so maybe that's what it is like you should have known or you should it's like yeah but they're just they're men's reaction to it's like why aren't you fighting back right but they don't they don't think about the moment and like

what it's like for that person in that situation at that age. Teenagers are different. I think people have sympathy for them. But they might not think that. Terry was thinking it was a combination of like

The shock of the moment. And he also was like thinking about what happens if me, this big jack dude, just starts beating a guy's ass. Oh, yeah, they'll destroy you. Yeah, so he was like, I couldn't react the way you think you would react in that moment. Yeah. Also, it's going to probably cost you. Yes. It's not going to cost them. Yeah, your life is ruined because people are going to not believe you and call you a liar and this and that, I bet. Oh, yeah. I mean, think about how many people...

are also going to go down connected to the Diddy thing. Oh my gosh. There's already talk that he's connected to Michael Jackson somehow. Did your Candace Owens was saying like the security guard is the same one that was there when Michael Jackson died and covered up the thing. Candace Owens always on some bullshit. I know she's always, but I like watching her. She makes me, she's entertaining her and Megan Kelly. I like the conservative broads. Oh Jesus. They say crazy shit because you're like,

They're just interesting. They're saying crazy shit. There's no good lefties saying crazy shit. She's a great speaker. I do miss when the left was crazier. I know. But the left are doing the crazy shit. I know. They all crazy to me. I know. I don't root for none of these motherfuckers. These politicians, they all crooked. Will you vote? Will you vote in the election? I don't even know, man. I don't even know if I'll, I don't see what the point is. Because part of me, like the comedian in me wants to watch it all burn. Yeah.

You know? Yeah. Because I don't believe in us. I don't believe humanity is going to get it together. Like if the solution to a problem is we can destroy something, we're on top of that.

What did I do? Did I just knock something over? I don't know. I thought I heard something dump. But if the solution is we all got to work together and look out for each other, that's not going to happen. It's not going to happen, no. No, so what's the... No, everybody's self-serving. Everybody will do whatever benefits them. Yeah. No one goes like, I want to take care of the larger party here. Yeah.

Wait, who's it going to be? Is it going to be Trump and who? And Biden. Maybe Biden. Biden? Yeah, unless they... If Biden survives that long, it might be Kamala Harris. Who knows? No, seriously, they might swap it out in the summer. Seriously. Seriously. When you get to the Democratic Convention, there's a... Kamala? There's a probability that they could go, he can no longer run. Oh, I know. But they don't seem to be building up anybody in particular. Not that I paid that much attention. I think they couldn't put Kamala in. But also, this was like, I don't know what Biden's going to do. Yeah.

you know, people like, oh, Trump might destroy democracy. And I'm like, yeah, but why is that a bad thing? We're just scared of what will be after that. Yeah. But who knows? Maybe we'll invent something better. Maybe. Maybe you need to burn it down before you create something better. Like, have we ever let fascism just play out?

You know what I'm saying? Not here. Like, let it finish. I don't know. I mean, because I feel like I'm hitting my stride. I'm successful right at the point where, like, I got a good, like, 30 years of enjoying it, and I'm going to die right as, you know, you're going to have to start wearing a gas mask outside and shit. Yeah. The fish are going to look weird. It's like...

You'll take this wherever it goes. I don't even care. I'm not having children. I'm not leaving nothing behind. What about your cat? What about Millie? Yeah, what about Millie, Brian? She gonna die way before me. You don't know that. Cats live a long time. This is my last pet. I really think it's a wrap. I really think it's a wrap. Well, this is a perfect time. Yeah. Oh, would you like to give some advice? We love when you give advice. Here, why don't you read this? By the way, also, tune into my podcast, BS with Brian Simpson.

It's available on all platforms. BS with Brian Simpson. The advice champ. All right. Here we go, advice champ.

I have a real boner of a predicament that I think only you guys can help me with. Me and my big-titted monster are thinking of getting into the content game to make a couple extra bucks, but we are struggling to come up with the right angle. We've, really just me, narrowed it down to two genres. Farts or feets? Feets. She's a Nubian queen above 18, so I know we have a shot at capturing the hearts of

of pale pink white nerds with a black fetish. Do you think there's more of a market in the foot finger game or letting my old battle axe of a wife let them rip after a heavy meat dinner? Any advice you can give would be much appreciated. Jesus, bro. I think this is... He's asking what's going to be more lucrative. Yeah, I think it's obvious. Why you can't do both?

Wow. Wow. This is why we bring binary in. Wow. What? Break the binary. The fart feet mistress. Is that against the terms of service? No, it's not. And no one even, why are you making it one or the other? Yeah, so polarizing. You do feet videos and then you offer to sell the farts in a jar to your higher tier people.

Nailed it. That's why you're a good business, Matt Bryan. This is why you're here. Yeah, that's what I do. This is why you're here. I mean, obviously, I think you should start with feet first, but feet first. Feet first. And then get into your foot. But yeah, why are you limiting yourself? Yeah, feet to me seems easier because you don't need to watch what you eat. There's not a lot of production, right? Because farting, you have to eat, you have to plan. Get a pedicure, get a good camera, some good lighting.

different scenarios you can take requests oh I want you to step in whipped cream whatever do all that and it's not it's not fucking with your damn fiber levels yeah and then at the end of the shoot she's like hey there's one in the chamber you hit record exactly the far seem like more opportunity yeah opportunistic

I think also, I mean, I'm guessing here, but I think the fart people, they're smaller than the feet people. Most definitely. For sure. But they might be willing to spend more. Definitely. You know what I mean? Yeah. Because you can find everyone will show you their feet or sell it. But if someone's like, I want your farts and you go, well, this is fucking 150 bucks. I think that they're like that. 150 per fart into a mason jar. Also, bro, you make a video of the fart.

Yeah, you get you buy a bunch of fucking mason jars. You get you a daggone pressurized canister of methane and you feel it or something that smells like farts and you just fill up. You rub it in the jar. That's an authentic Brian. What you talking about? I wanted to smell exactly what I requested you eat. Only if the secret comes out. We ain't doing this all over the place being sloppy like Puff Daddy. But then you have a transport problem. You got a FedEx. Can you send farts in the mail?

Is that legal? Yeah, people do it. Yeah, you can do that. Well, you can't send body fluids. I know that. It's just air. Yeah, throwing thimbles of bath water, all that shit. It's just a sweet smell of the air that came out of her. Listen, I would do it. If you die tomorrow, I got to feed our kids. Farts and feet. I can't work. Farts and feet. But also just know that most people are OnlyFans ain't making that much money. Yeah. You think so? Yeah.

Yeah, the top girls make a lot of money. But there's so many people doing it. Yeah, most people are doing like making, you know, very, very little. This one is definitely for you. I cannot wait for your thought on this. Okay. I thought you might enjoy to hear that my dog is a racist.

Last year, my partner and I moved in together and decided to get a dog. We both love small dogs, so we went for a, is it dachshund? Is that how you say it? Yeah, dachshund. Now these dogs are notorious barkers, but a few months into owning her, we were telling people about how lucky we are that our dog is relaxed and rarely makes any noise. However, recently we've noticed she's been

Oh my God. Now that...

Even a billboard? Now that our dog's racism is conclusive, please call. Can all the mommies out there give us advice on how to best train this Gestapo dog to normal behavior? Thank you, Sam. I don't know.

Well, okay, first of all, I feel like dogs pick up on their owner's energy. One of y'all uncomfortable around black people. Just because you don't qualify it as racism don't mean you ain't racist. Maybe like their energy shifts, right? Yeah. Like a black guy walks in and they tense up. But also, but the way you have to, you know, I think whenever that happens, you got to separate, you got to put them in a room, like separate them from the pack. Yeah, because you got to send the signal that,

you have to, because what they want is to be a part of everything. So you have to send a signal that like, separate them from their packers like that's a negative reinforcement. So they'll have

I think they need to take this dog to like very black atmospheres. You know what I mean? To like really, like they have to immerse the dog in black culture. It's a really good idea. They should go to barbecues. They should go to like, you know what I mean? Like, like go to a barbershop, just fucking sit there. Just play the whole roots discography. Do it nonstop. I think they just need to be over what immersed in, in black culture. Yeah. And,

but that could have the opposite effect. - Does the dog just like, ah, ah, like the whole time? - Right, right. - But they can't go crazy. Eventually they'll tire themselves out barking. - Yeah. - Right? - Did they say what kind of dog it was? - Dachshund. - Oh, those are not a threat.

oh yeah just why don't you just stay at your black friend's house for for overnight yeah or like a week or a month and then that'll be so-called black friends that don't make you uncomfortable at all yeah let me see so so so maybe the dog was harmed by a black person prior to being owned by these white people because maybe maybe that happened too we don't know where the dog came from

I had a dog that hated UPS workers every time Elvis would bark at the UPS guy. But that's normal because it invades their territory. People that deliver stuff, they bring in other animals' scents and shit because they go to every house. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's normal for dogs and shit to bark at them. Is this another one? Mm-hmm. Oh, there's one more.

Okay. I see. Oh, Jesus Christ. That was racist. Wow. I love your show and level-headed advice you give. I hope you read this email because I really need your advice. I'm a 31-year-old woman. I've been with my live-in boyfriend for almost six years. We do not have any kids, and we'd want to someday. We both have great jobs and good disposable income. Everything is peaceful, and I'm happy. However...

Recently, his lesbian sister and her wife asked if we can donate his sperm to them so they can have a baby with their features, with her features and her wife's features. They will artificially inseminate the sperm to the sister's wife.

They told him they will raise the baby with a careful language wording that my BF helped with conceiving him, her, zim, zur, whatever it is. They also told him they will not be legally and financially responsible for the baby, which is dubious. Money isn't an issue, though. And this is more about the relationship boundaries and family dynamics. I like his sister and her wife,

and excited about the prospects of them having kids, but I don't want my boyfriend to give them his jizz. I don't want my boyfriend to give away his jizz because we don't even have kids yet. I want to have kids first before he starts giving them kids away.

I'm just not okay with him being an uncle daddy and having my future kids play second fiddle to his sister's baby. Is it selfish of me to not allow my boyfriend to share his jizz with his sister's wife? Am I being unreasonable or closed minded? Gene. See, I was on Gene's side for most of that letter, but at the end she revealed herself to be a fucking psycho. Yeah.

Yeah, it's not a competition. Oh, the competition part. Yeah. That's very ego driven. Yeah, she's more concerned about having one first. Yeah. Before the sister. It's like, start. Why aren't you taking loads? Just do it then. For six years? You can just do it. Yeah. I think my first thing I would say to them is like,

You're saying that you don't have kids and you definitely do want kids and you're financially in a position to have kids. Just have the fucking kid then. Well, hold on. I, I, as a woman, I see the protectiveness over the boyfriend's jizz. Like imagine if you gave your sister your jizz before you gave me your jizz. I'd be like, you, you like your sister better than me. I would feel a little slight. Yeah, but I would feel slighted. But if you rank that on a scale of all the other things that I've done with my jizz, like,

That's like the highest, I usually just throw it away. I usually throw it away. - But you're making a person, Brian. - But I do think, look, you can either have the conversation where you go, I don't wanna do this, I don't want you to have it first, I think it makes me uncomfortable, I'd rather you keep blah, blah, blah.

And then it creates this kind of this tension, right? And then people are going to be upset at your request. Or you can do it. You know what? Let's just have our baby now. And then you kind of put them on the back burner because you're like, well, we're actually having a kid right now. Yeah, you do that. And then you can get your kid. You can be first. And then if after that you feel like it's okay for him to donate, then you decide then. Because also what might happen is they have their own kid.

Yeah, you're not going to want it. And then you go, I don't want you to have another kid over here. Also, you say no, by the way. I'm not giving my sister my sperm. Ask pops. Ask your father. Yeah, ask your dad for his jizz. Right, but I'm not trying to. But then you know what? No, because that's not you.

right right right because they're the offspring so he shares more DNA right she's half dad half mom if you just get it from the dad it's not gonna be half you right I mean does like what does the boyfriend want we don't even know what he don't know that I don't know man but listen babe you you know part of being lesbian you know you get a dog or you get a sperm donor but it's weird to ask your sibling

for their jizz. Yeah, because it puts that guy in a really compromising, it's not a win, it's no win. But I mean, also, but here's the other thing too, it's like, y'all ain't married. I don't know if you get to tell him what to do with his jizz. That's a great point. Yeah, they're not even like family yet. It's a very different conversation. Right? You're my boyfriend is different than this is my husband. Yeah.

I don't think you have sale with your boyfriend's sisters. It's not legal yet. Yeah. This is all weird, but I would say no. That solves the whole problem. But I mean, imagine explaining that to your children that you produce with your brother's jizz. Like, oh yeah, you're, that's too complicated. The biggest point in this is that we don't know how he feels. That's a big, big factor. Because he might be like, I definitely want them to have this. Or he might be like, I'm uncomfortable with this. Yeah.

It depends on how much I believe in their relationship because the truth is you can't legally tell somebody

that they aren't going to be financially responsible. I know. Because the child support is the baby's right. I also think a big factor is, does his lesbian sister's wife, is she open to him having sex with her? Because that would make a big sway to me. Yeah, that would definitely change the whole dynamic. If she's like, I'm gay, I don't like dicks, I'd be like, this is how you get it. And are they hot? Are these hot lesbians or are they ugly? Are these weightlifting lesbians or are these fucking lipstick lesbians? Right.

Right. Yeah, one of them's lipstick for sure. Hopefully it's the fucking wife. Not his sister. He's like, all right, listen, I'm going to have to fuck you. I know you're my sister. Or are you going to be creative with it? Like take the egg from the girlfriend, take the sperm from the brother, but the sister carries the baby. Yeah. Oh, wow. That's fucking weird, dude. Yeah. Now your sister's pregnant with your baby. Yo, is that even legal? That's totally legal. Is it? I'm sure it's happened. It's probably happened. Fuck.

Because, you know, because somebody in the lesbian relationship might have like the girl with the good eggs might not have childbearing hips or big enough titties or whatever. Big enough titties. Yeah. That's not a hindrance to getting them. No, but I'm saying it's going to be more milk for the baby. It's going to be like she's more suited to carry a baby. Yeah, that's right. Big old titties. Right. That's true. Huge. Your tits are huge. Yeah.

I realize, you know, we've known you a while and so many people have sat where you sat. And I don't think you and I have ever played Tom or Black. No, we haven't. Wow. I don't think so. Would you like to play now? Let's go. Let's go. Let me keep score. Josh, you keep score too because I'm not great at this.

So I'm guessing this is you or a black person. Yes. Okay, let's do this. This episode, I'm the one that had the elephants roosting in trees. Shit, man, that's Tom Segura. He was a for real grimy nigga. You think I give a fuck if a faggot cop can't touch me? I might have smoking weed, speed, all that, dog. Fuck that, that's me. I put a trademark around your fucking eye. It's time for Tom or Black. All right, here we go.

i like that you're focused i can tell that he's really dialed in okay here we go i left a wallet there that's tom don't compliment that black just real direct he doesn't even yeah no hesitation or anything in my ass man black that's cricket right there tom god damn it black why he came through tom what's going on here play it one more game what's going on here

That's tough. Black. Ay-yi-yi! That's Mexican. So? He said, ay-yi-yi. Play it one more time. Ay-yi-yi! We gonna ride the wave! You didn't come with the product. You got a McDonald's, nigga? Black.

How many is that? So how many total? 12. Yeah. Okay. We're good. Okay.

What's the score? Well, you did really well. You only got, I think you got one wrong. No, he got two wrong. Okay. Right, Josh? Two out of, you got two wrong out of 12. And for the record, the last one was Brian Simpson himself, which is why we were laughing. And you guessed correctly. It was a black guy. Would you like to know which ones you got incorrect? Yeah, I know which ones. Go ahead. It was the two hard ones. Which one? Go ahead. I can't. I was, aye, aye, aye. That was the first one you got wrong. Oh, that was Tom?

Uh, that was, you said it was Tom. You said it was Mexican. And then you said Tom. Oh, and it's a black guy. It's a black guy. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. That's, um, what's his name? Uncle shine. And then he got one other one. And then, uh, nine, 10, which was a 10. Wait, this one. You said black.

That was Tom. Wow. That sounded like Samuel L. Jackson. Thank you. You know, it's crazy. I'm pretty sure I got that wrong too. Wow. By the way, thank you very much. I wanted to say thank you very much. So is that some kind of record? That's really good. That's really good. We've had, by the way, we have had a black guy. Who was the guy? Sidney Castillo. He got 0 for 10. Wow. 0 for 10. And then Miss Pat, she only got like one wrong. Yeah, she did really well too. She was really good. You did really good though. You did really well. I was really good. Yeah.

Yeah, but you got everyone. Well, I know Tom, and I know my black people. Yeah, you do. You do. What's this about? That right there? Porosus. Oh, yeah. I missed this party. Yeah, you missed the party, bro. Yeah, I was on the road. Do you like vodka? I do. Wheat-based? It's better. Why is it better? It tastes more flavorful. So it's not gluten-free? It doesn't have... It is gluten-free, but it doesn't have...

Like when you have corn based ones, it has kind of like that. Sour. That's a little like more kick to it. This wheat stuff is where it's at, buddy. Okay. Made here in Texas.

- In Texas, Texas made. - Okay. - And very smooth. You don't get that wince. - Very smooth, delicious. - You know when you drink vodka and you're like, ugh. - I love how Tom just dove straight into the pitch. I love this. - Oh, it's great. - Hey, that's yours. - Thank you, brother. - Thank you. - This is good. - Thank you. Give me my reward. - Do we have this at the Mothership? - If we don't, it's on its way. - Okay. - I promise. - All right, I'm gonna fuck with it. - Thank you very much. - Thank you. - All right, so. - All the cum.

Live from the mothership, Brian Simpson's new special is streaming on Netflix. He's absolutely fucking hilarious. If you haven't watched it, watch it. If you haven't seen him live, it's one of the best shows you'll go to. Check out BS with Brian Simpson, BS with Brian Simpson, anywhere you can download podcasts and watch them. Um,

Um, anything else? Yeah. Also, I'm going to be, uh, in Utah on April 12th and 13th. I'm being Tacoma, Washington on April, uh, 26th and 27th. And I'm going to be at the comedy store for the Memphis is a joke festival on, uh,

May 7th. Perfect. And you can go find us at bryantsmithcomedy.com or go to my social and click on the link, BS Comedians. So May 7th, see Brian. May 8th, see me. And then May 9th, see Tom. There we go. Get the full week. We're all there. We're all there. And so is every comedian that's ever lived. I know. We'll all be in Los Angeles that week. Goodness gracious. And we're all competing together. It's fun. Yep.

All right. Well, thank you for coming, buddy. Always good to see you. Good to see you, Brian. We love you. Thank you. Thank you. Nice to meet y'all. Love you too. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Wow.