Will Tom & Christina Be On Jeopardy?! | Your Mom's House Ep. 752 01:51:28

You know what I mean? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? But, you know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Well, you said "yeah" back to him quite a few times. I did. I did. I wanted him to know that I knew what he was saying. I said "pussy bird" and it's "cage bird." So, this is an Etiquette Guy video. Yeah. He makes these videos. And I thought it'd be fun to check out what kind of comments he gets. What's the proper etiquette to giving a foot job under the table? 49,000 likes.

Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house.

Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim. It's a good thing.

if you shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, smile more. Oh yeah. Big black cocks.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

What?

Yeah. Yeah.

I'm going to come. Go team go. Okay, bye. I'm going to come. I'm going to come. I'm going to come. Wow. Wow. Powerful. It's such a good one. I know. I was listening to it on my jog this morning. Fart Simpson and Mr. Clavicles. Fart Simpson and Mr. Clavicles together again. Such a good one. Wow. You know,

I often, thank you so much, Ms. Heather. I often wonder why I can't seem to tap into that mom demographic with my humor. You don't think this has something to do with it? Might be this. This might be holding me back from getting the women demographic, if you will. Oh, yeah.

That's so gay. Maybe laughing to Officer Come Dumb. You know what I didn't realize? Yeah, that's always good. I didn't realize he wants them to puke on him, too. That was a new... He was in a frenzy, though. You could tell. I don't think he necessarily wants that. That was a real frenzied moment. Yeah, because I've never heard him mention that. He's like, shit, and then jerk me off with your shit. It was total... Any of it. All of it. Everyone's been there. But...

But yeah, he was really something there. So horny. Yeah. Just so hot for teacher. So hot. Gosh. Turned on. I'm trying to think of any moments in my life where I would just say that. Yeah, you know. You think so? When I'm with you. Oh, yeah. Puke on me. Shit on me and finger me with your shit.

Again, why can't I get the women to like me? What is going on with these broads? Oh, only the dudes. Where are the dudes at? Dudes are everywhere, man. Dudes are here. This is a lot of dudes on this show. So many. I love the dudes. Dude-centric. I love them. Listen, I'm always stoked to see dudes in my shows. It's a lovely thing. Yeah. I'm very thankful. I'm very thankful, too. Where is this here? Hold on. Sorry. Oh, I ride my ass like a horse. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh wow. Chips in a bowl? It's a huge announcement. It's a big deal.

I'm ready. Tickets for the second leg of my Come Together tour on presale starting today, March 27th at 10 a.m. local time in each city with the code word Tommy, T-O-M-M-Y. We've added a whole bunch of new cities and new dates. I'm hitting some of my favorite cities like Denver, Phoenix, San Diego, New Orleans, many, many more. Get your tickets now at tomscrow.com slash tour before the on sale, which is Friday at 10 a.m. local time. So thank you all so

Thank you so much for your love and support. This tour is off to a crazy fun start. So thank you. So proud of you, Gene. Thanks, Gene Jacket. Guys, I added a show at the Netflix Is a Joke Comedy Festival. A late show, May 8th at the Masonic Lodge at Hollywood Forever. That's a cemetery. Isn't that super spooky? Yeah, it's perfect for you. Dope. Yeah, you're a vampire. I am a vampire.

But I've decided against it. Remember, not that you care the last time I brought it up. Because you don't want to fucking live forever. No, I want to live forever. I just don't want to live at night. Yeah, you want to live during the day. The kids asked me that the other day. Would you rather have it be sun all the time or dark all the time? I was like, no.

It is amazing. Maybe sun. He's like, that way you can do stuff because it's day. And I was like, yeah. And you can create night. He's right. You can just put up shades. You can just make it dark in the room. Yeah. The room. That is true. Yes. I will say, so our son, Ellis, does present Would You Rathers. All the time. Unprompted, by the way. Unprompted Would You Rathers. Yeah. It is bizarre how genetics work. Yeah. And his are pretty great. He's had some good ones.

I'm trying to think of one. He's like, would you rather every time you eat, you burp or you fart? Yeah, yeah. Something like that. Yeah. That's not it. That's not it at all. But I'm trying to think of what it was. Yeah. Yeah. It wasn't that. It was good. All right. It was good. Give me some slack. I've got AIDS. It was good, though. I've got toddler AIDS. Listen, we've got three different strands of viruses going through our house right now. I've got all three of them. You somehow-

Don't have any of them. How is this happening? I don't know, but I feel like hot shit death. I don't understand how I'm fine. I think because you're on all cylinders right now. Like, you've got porosos, you've got touring, you've got...

Two bears. That's how you break down. No, but when you're in adrenaline, your body's like, not now, dude. But the minute you calm down, like when we're on a vacation next week, that's when your body's going to be like, all right, bitch. Yeah, that's true. Time for you to fucking chill, bro. Time to get sick, man. Time to get sick, homie. All right. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You ready to do this? Oh, talking about practice? You talking about practice? Let's start the show, bro. Not a game. I can't calm down. I can't. It's fucking nuts.

I didn't touch you, man. I didn't break. Not that long ago when I did stand another man touching me. Well, no one did that. Is this a prank? He won't go away. He needs to go away. He's the fucking problem. I need to leave? No, no, no. I still got, I still got, okay. She threw some of my stuff. What's up, honey? Who was right? Don't bring anyone loving to this.

Ready? Hold on. Hold on. One drum for you. Ready? Oh, I can't do it on this beat. What is that? I can't drum this beat.

I can't drum this beat. How come? I didn't learn this beat. I'm working on Billie Jean right now, which is just a straightforward, you know, one, two, three, one, two, three, four. Nice. Okay. One, two, three, fours. The kick drum. I've heard it. It's actually alarmed me a few times. I've been in my office and I hear like, and I'm like, what the fuck? And then I remember that you're down there playing the drums.

Yeah. It's terrible, but I'm working on it. That's how it goes. It's just fun. Yeah. It's like a stupid fun thing. I'm happy that you're doing it. It's so loud though. I kind of don't want to put it out there that I'm doing that in our neighborhood. It's okay. I love this clip. By the way, it says a POV, a Gen Z-er cuts in front of you and others throw stuff at you for confronting them. And then proceeds to play them. Yeah, that seems very honest. I feel like Gen Z...

It's not that there's more mentally ill people in Gen Z. It's that TikTok and Instagram have given them a fantastic platform for us to appreciate them. Yeah, to show who they are. Yeah. And I'm so grateful because before we had to really dig and find mental illness, like Gigi Allen. They had to make a documentary about people like this. Now they post all the time. That's the fucking best, dude. Now they're just posting, man. Hell if I know. I'm so sorry.

Well, she wasn't sorry when she cut in line. I didn't see you! To make it... Well, I just asked her if she saw anyone in line. That's an adult. That's crazy. Do not leave, sir. This is a really important point to make, too. I'm not advocating hitting women. Yeah.

But sometimes you need to see the backstory when you hear that it happened. You know what I mean? Like when they're like, this chick got fucking clocked. And you're like, that's never okay. And then you see the clip and you're like, oh, yeah. I mean, you shouldn't. But I see what the story is. Sometimes it happens. I get the story now. Oh, so that's why it happened? Okay. Yeah, I see what you mean. Yeah, you shouldn't do that. Yeah. Because what used to happen is they'd be like, let's call...

Well, also, the spin on this would be like this story, if this had ended in violence, they'd be like, some guy just beat up a girl. Right. And you'd be like, really? That's terrible. Victim. She was a trauma survivor. Yeah. Blah, blah, blah. Some guy in line just went crazy and punched a woman. And you're like, that's fucking nuts. Yeah. They used to put people like this in institutions. Yeah. You would call...

The pet team or whatever. And they would just be removed. But what I'm saying is that this would end in violence. Yes. And the violence would just be reported. Right. As like somebody got violent. Right. And you're like, that's not okay. Yeah. Why did they do it? And they're like, some guy just fucking hit someone. What happened though? This is what happened. Yeah. And then you go, you know, sometimes, sometimes you need to get reset, you know? Yeah.

I don't know if I agree with that. There's probably less freak outs after the reset. Okay. You know? I don't know, Tom. Somebody drank through a straw for a month and remembered that they should probably not scream everywhere they go. That's true. I forgot. You lose 25 pounds. You kind of miss talking. And you're like, yeah, I should probably keep to myself sometimes.

I did forget the value of violence. We've forgotten it as a culture. We've completely forgotten the value of violence and the fact that violence has always been there. Let's not...

I discount the fact that violence is part of who we are. Human beings, it's one of our absolute premium conditions of being a person is that violence exists and violence is always a possibility. And now we live in this world where they're like, you know what would be great is if we could remove violence. It's like, no, it's always going to be there. You need the threat of violence.

Well, men particularly committing. Some of these fucking broads do too, because here's the thing. Some of these fucking broads. Yeah, they really do. Like men, see, we walk around knowing that the threat of violence exists. It's imminent. It's imminent and it helps gauge our behavior in places everywhere we go.

That's one of the big differences between the genders. A guy who does that knows that it could end up, depending on who they're doing it to, in a really ugly situation. And so you don't see as many guys doing that.

No, but that's why the woman knows she has societal pressure to keep herself from being attacked. So societal pressure of this guy being shamed as an attacker, as someone that beat up a trauma survivor, that's her protective layering. But also, I don't, you know, much like when toddlers throw tantrums, this is a tantrum. Yeah, it's a tantrum. Let's just be honest with this. This is an adult tantrum.

tantrum yeah you don't you don't allow the tantruming kid to get their way right you shouldn't walk away in this they shouldn't be shuttling him away yeah they should be like ma'am you need to get your life collect yourself or take you outside and beat the fuck out of you you just you just yeah you just lift up these two out of the united states and

And you move the situation just right into Syria. And it has a whole different outcome. A whole different outcome. Everyone's like, hey, have you walked by that fucking rock pile over there where that lady freaked out? She's been there a week. Yeah.

That's what happens. You know, that's what happens. I think it's good. I think it's good for people. Yeah. I think they just need to start institutionalizing people again. I think that the biggest mistake was deinstitutionalizationals. When Reagan deinstitutionalized all the crazies onto the street. I think you should just give everybody a crowbar.

Oh, and let it go like Texas? Let it fucking go. But I feel like we do that in Texas with guns and it kind of works. I hate to say it. It kind of works in Texas. The deterrent, it works as a deterrent because you don't know what your neighbor's packing. So I do believe it creates some level of respect here. There's guns everywhere here. Everywhere. Yeah. But you don't see a lot of this shit happening. There might be one on me right now.

I don't know. Oops. Oopsie. But yeah, this is just mental illness. Check your fucking self, baby. God, I wish we could just institutionalize. Like if someone could have just locked up my mom, how much happier would I have been? Because then I'd have to fucking deal with her. And here's the thing. In the institutions, you have a good life. No, I know. You get to be yourself. You know what I mean? Oh, he's cute.

Oh

See? He's got problems. He's got all kinds of things going on. I like his tattoos. He's got a lot of tattoos. Good ones, too. Those are really good. The portrait work. Portrait work where he had Mao as a baby on one side and the guy that jumped out of the airplane with all the money and never got caught on the other side. It's really cool. He's got a lot of cool ideas. Hey, he's got heroes. Yeah. Oh, wow. I think I like his artwork, actually. Yeah.

And he's got most of his teeth. And this is where the lady from Walmart should be. Right there. Right fucking next to him. Absolutely. Yeah. Listen, ask somebody that had a mentally ill family member. I can without question. I can without. Yeah. Put them away, dude. Medicaid. Take care of. I could visit. Visit. Just visit. Hi. Hi, crazy shoes. And that's it. This is what you need, man.

But instead they walk among us, dude. Oh my god, you know what? And they freak out at Target. What we didn't do. What? Hey guys, the pre-sale is live. Go to TomSegura.com/tour and use the code word "Tommy" for early access to tickets to the all new announced shows all over the place. It's live right now. Use the code word "Tommy." TomSegura.com/tour.

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This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. I think they mean us. Oh, s***. With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, only on Peacock.

This was, we used to do this and it was brought to our attention that we didn't do it. I was like, how did we stop doing this? How did we stop doing this? We had the ICP guys on the other day, Shaggy and Violent J. They were amazing guests and a few weeks have passed, but it's just, we would be, it would, it would really be a crime if we didn't bring it back. So here you go.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? That's what I'm saying. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? As a stripper or anything. You know what I mean? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? That's what you're saying? Wow. That was a great super cut. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah.

Well, you said yeah back to him quite a few times. I did. I wanted him to know that I knew what he was saying. That's the best thing to do to someone who says you know what I'm saying a lot. You've got to be like, no, I understand. I understand what you're saying. I get what you're saying 100%. Have fun with those two. And interesting. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? That's the best. I don't know what you're saying. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying?

Oh, fuck. You know what I'm saying? Two more. Yeah, I do. Two more. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got a 2001 Chevy Suburban, you know what I'm saying? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? But you know, you know what I mean? Right now, I don't know what you're saying. I don't know what you mean. You know what I'm saying? You know what I mean? No, the hell we don't. You ain't saying anything yet. You know what I mean?

You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Oh, fuck. That was a good one. Right out of the ball. That was a classic YMH. That was great. We haven't done that in a minute. That's what Danny Brown named his album after. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. This is how we started a relationship with Danny Brown. You know what I'm saying? I've never had a job in my life. You know what I'm saying? In that jail. You know what I'm saying? Did a little bit of everything. You know what I'm saying? And then he goes, I'm like, you know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying?

I wanted to also point out that Shaggy and Violent J pointed out something that we kind of touched upon, but they really articulated and the audience really resonated with is that going airtight.

It's actually kind of gay. Oh, yeah. I think it registered to a few people before them. But yeah, I never really thought of it as gay. But this is another layer to our discussion about going airtight. Well, yeah, because it's a real different, different thing. Here's the thing. If you're a guy, if you're a guy and there's another guy in the room naked, period, you have a certain level of comfort with that to be. Maybe you're just like, we're both super horny. That probably is true.

And you can kind of keep your distance if one's in the mouth and one's in the V. But once you're three deep, if you're V and A at the same time, there is literally the thinnest layer of skin separating. You still feel each other. Sure. You feel each other. So that's kind of gay. Definitely gay. I mean, you're in a woman, but your dicks are essentially touching.

Yes. And by the way, with all the movement and changing, your dicks are going to hit all the time too. Of course. I mean, how do you... So you're getting collateral dick on you. You know what I mean? Runoff cock. Yeah. Well, also too, in order to get one in the P and one in the V, how are you guys standing? Are you... The guy in the V lays on his back. Oh.

Uh-huh. All right. So she's riding him. Okay. Okay. And then the guy who goes in the A stands over. But yeah, his bag. Yeah, his balls are touching. If he has a long bag, the bag is going to hang on yours. Yeah, it's going to slap the guy's nuts that are in the V or dick. And then the real problem is you're like. And then you're like, but I'm not going to. But yeah, you like it. Yeah.

Well, I imagine. And then, by the way, you're like this. Okay. You're this guy. You're in the V. You're looking at this guy who's in the A. Guess what's right above you?

Another D in her mouth and then his bags right here. Yeah. See, again, another layer to all of this we hadn't even considered. Yeah. It's hella gay. You know what I'm saying? It's hella gay. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. It's so gay. It's pretty gay. And when you think about it, there's more dick and balls in the room than there are Vs. Yeah, there's three dicks and six balls in the room. Yeah. Right. Right.

So your dick and ball heavier, it's leaning, it's slanted that way. Yeah, yeah. Now I think it's totally gay to go. Yeah. It's totally gay to go airtight.

It's pretty good. Now I don't, I think the only person that really benefits is the woman. Truly. It's a female fantasy, which is kind of exciting. We don't really get many of those. Yeah. He had a hard on. I hate that one. That's so the three D's is a female fantasy. That's what I'm saying. So this is actually really nice because it fulfills a woman's wish for once. It's not just all about the guy. Three holes plugged. Yeah.

It's a lot. It's a lot of holes and two hands for what is you say, Josh? Hello. Extra credit. Extra credit. Yeah. Yeah. I've seen those videos and I got to tell you, they look like they're, they're, they're being pushed to their limits in those situations. I think I might need a lot more therapy. Yeah. If you had five, if I did that, I think it would traumatize me. Well, got some good news for you. We got another email. Um,

Another email. Oh, that would traumatize me. Here we go. It's a guy. He wrote in. Hi, guys. After listening to the recent episodes and enjoying the stories of people's airtight encounters, dad glasses, I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to be involved in one of these situations myself.

I just recently broke it off with this girl I was seeing and wanted to explore more from my sexual life. So I went solo to my first swingers sex party. I wasn't expecting much to come from it. At the very least, I wanted to try it out. After knocking back a few glasses of liquid courage, I found myself in the company of four guys and three girls, two couples and three mixed singles.

Wow.

It was at this time of swapping and maneuvering all the women in different variations of Eiffel Towers, I was about to be asked that magical question. Who wants to put one more in? Now's my chance, I was thinking to myself. How many chances do you get to plug the final hole? Wow. I can assure you this was a certified, airtight experience. Hate from Australia. Thank you, RC, not to be confused with the great RPC. Wow.

So thanks, R.C. That sounds like quite an experience. Wow. You'll have that with you for the rest of your life. What a neat thing you can tell the kids one day. Yes. And what did they ask the question? Who wants to go? Somebody said, who wants to put one more in? Wow. And he said, I do. And he was like, I'll do it.

Yeah, I'm guessing it was the A. He had the A probably. Right, because the primo, we all know the hot spot would be... The V. Well, now that we think about it, the one zone that will be free of any doodage might be the mouth, right? No, no, no, no. The mouth's getting used by everybody. Oh. Yeah.

Mouth is first. Okay, so the vag is... The mouth is like, that feels good. V, everyone's like, let me stay here. And then the A is like, she's got to be down for it. She's got to ask for it. And then, yeah, that's the final slide. That's when you're like, oh, the puzzle's complete. Yeah, he's got to be last in. Yeah, so, wow.

Way to go, man. Yeah, that's really exciting. And I also like how... And that girl has a cool story, too. It's not just him. Of course. How we've inspired people. What a fucking contribution we're making.

To the world right now. Yeah. You know, there's life changing moments when to quit a job, when to have children, get married, but also when to go airtight. Yeah. Extremely important. Extremely important. Wow. Real quick. I want to talk to one of our guys here. I don't know how many people know yet that we have young Tanner who works here. He's been here for a minute.

He's a young fella, started doing stand-up just a few weeks ago. He did the Kill Tony show. That's right. And he had a great set and they invited him to do the secret show. Okay, Tanner. So Tanner, how are you, buddy? Doing great. Where are you from exactly? San Clemente, California. San Clemente. And you moved around. I remember, didn't you live in Idaho? Yeah, I lived in Idaho, dabbled there for a bit.

And then lived on a ranch about two hours outside of Austin. And you did ranch work? Ranch work, yeah. All that fun shit. Now you're doing stand-up in Austin. Hell yeah. How fun was it to do Kill Tony? So much fun. It was a really good time. Yeah? Yeah. And you had a great set? Yes. Yes. And so will you be doing the show again? Is that how, like, will you go back? Well, I'll do Secret Show Tonight, which is Red Band's show.

But I have to get pulled out the bucket again if I want to go back on set time. And how much time will you do at the secret show if you get pulled? Anywhere from five to ten minutes. Whoa, do you have ten minutes? I don't have a confident ten, not at all. I'm not going to stretch my material. Go for five, dude. Yeah, I'm going to go for five. I'm going to tell Red Band, like, no, I need to do five. Yeah. If your five extends, like if you're in the middle of this bit –

and you're hitting six, it's fine. Yeah. But then like if that ends and you're like, especially if that ends well, get off. Yeah. That is the big thing. Yeah, I made that mistake before. We all have. But yeah, that's the move is like, like sometimes when I do these, um,

There's like weird time slots that they give you for like special events. They'll be like, you know, dude, can you do 30 at this thing? Or can you do 40 at this thing? And you hit a bit that crushes. Yeah. And there's two minutes left on the thing. I just go... I'm out. Yeah, you go goodnight. Yeah, yeah. You just ride it out. But...

But yeah, that's all part of it. But that's awesome, man. That's so great, Tanner. Thank you. And what I love about Tanner is that he is just, I mean, he's presenting as somewhat normal right now. Yeah. He's not. Yeah, no, no. Rest assured that he might be the weirdest of all of us. What do you like to do? What do you do in your free time? I mean, I know you like to do stand-up, but how do you spend your free time? I listen to a lot of music. Okay. Yeah? A lot, like all day. What kind of music?

Anything. Anything and everything. I like a lot of grunge right now and shoegaze. Been really into that. 90s rap. Like a lot of New Yorkers. Really like that. A lot of New York-based rap? Yeah, New York-based rap. Okay. Who are you listening to? Gangstar. Oh my God, that's Tommy's jams. Who else am I listening to?

Oh, who sings that one? The Digital Underground? Yeah, yeah. Digital Underground. Now they're Oakland based. Yeah, they're California, but I like that. A little bit of country, like old old country, like Townes Van Zandt, Willie. How did you end up on a ranch outside of Austin?

Um, so my buddy's dad bought some property and was like, hey, I'm putting two shipping containers on the property if you want to come live in them. Shipping containers? Yeah, like the ones on the back of trucks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I lived in that for about like a year and a half. Here's where it starts. This is where it starts. Yeah, yeah. Okay. And what kind of ranch work would you do? Uh, I would weld fence.

Uh, cut cows' balls off. Um, yeah. How do you learn how to do that? You just go for it, you know? Seriously? Yeah, like I was in, uh... Did they sedate them or something before? No, they're all pissed off. They're super pissed off? Yeah, you get like 30 cattle, you put them in this small pen, and then you put them into a squeeze chute one by one, and like a cow will run in and you slam these walls down and...

And then they start freaking out. So then you tie a rope around their back leg and yank it up. And then you get a little pocket knife and you grab their balls. Pocket knife?

Yeah, and you got to do it to the baby bowls. And their balls haven't dropped yet, so you got to reach up in there. Oh, Jesus Christ. And you got to pull them out. Is that what I mean? Yeah, that's weird. You see what I mean? That's true. It's real Joker vibes. After you cut them, you let them go, and then they kind of just stand there for like 10 minutes. Stunned. You don't have to stop the bleeding? Oh, yeah, you spray ammonia on it.

Yeah, so it doesn't get infected. Why do they have to do this? Why are they doing this? Because you want some cattle to be breeders only. Some you just want to feed. It just depends what they want to use the cattle for. That's a lot, dude. Yeah, a lot of balls. What do they do with the balls? You can eat them. High testosterone, high T. All that good biofeedback. Yeah.

Jesus Christ. But we would usually just kind of throw them around. Okay. And then you could keep the skin, the sack. You keep the skin? Oh, you can, yeah, because it's like a little- Do you have any skin still? It's like a coin purse. Yeah. Do you still have one? It's on the ranch in like my little cabin, but- Okay. Yeah, it's like dried up now. Your little cabin, you mean your- My shipping container. Yeah. Just a bed in there. You mean a home? Home, yeah, little headquarters. Are you still living there?

No, no. Okay. Yeah. You have a proper living space now. Yeah. I got my room. You have your room. Do you have a roommate? My mom and dad. Oh, sweet. Do they live here? Yes. Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah. They're great. Okay. So you live with mom and dad. Are they, what do they think of your comedy career? They enjoy it. They're in there. Are there behind you? Like they support it. Yeah. I like talking about them on stage. Is that what you're doing? Yeah. That's what I started doing now. What are your folks like?

They're about your guy's age. My dad, he trains jiu-jitsu. He's a black belt. Wow. I can't challenge him to anything. And then my mom, she just does her thing. What's your dad's vocation? What did he do for a living growing up? He grew up in Hawaii. Fucking military kid. But how about when you were a kid? Oh, when I was a kid? Yeah.

He did, uh, he, uh, he sold some weed a little bit. Okay. But it was like legal. It was like when California was chill with it. He did that for a bit. And then now he does, uh, loans, I think, for houses. Helps with loans. Okay. Yeah. I don't, I don't know. I just, you know. Does he work at a bank? No, no, no. It doesn't work at a, we're not Jewish. No. No.

Is it personal loans? Is he lending out money himself? No, it's like people for houses and stuff. Like a loan officer. I don't know what those guys do. Isn't it a financial institution that he works for? I don't know. Alright, some Jew. I don't know. He's Filipino, so no J there. Tanner's half Filipino. Yeah, I'm half Asian. We got the sauce. That was wild. That was fucking wild.

All right. Well, look, I'm very excited to have a young comic working here. I'm excited. I haven't seen you just stand up, but I'm excited to see it. And so...

We'll be checking in with you, man. Yes, young blood. We'll keep checking in with you. Congrats on your- Congrats on that. Thank you. Yeah, kill Tony. That's huge. Yeah. Good for you. Good for Tony Hinchcliffe. Give the Jew back the mic. Tony's so good about fostering young talent in the city. I think that's really cool. The show's incredible. What it's become is absolutely amazing. It's amazing. And Tony makes me laugh so much in the green room. He's so funny. You know, what I love about him as a comic is like,

He's funny just sitting around. Yeah, yeah. He's really funny. He'll throw out jokes in the green room where you're like, you didn't just... I laughed so hard. Like, you didn't just do that. He always has something in the chamber ready to go. God damn it. He's so funny. He's great. And they built a fucking...

Like a empire. Yeah. It's a machine. It's fucking crazy. Can I tell you what made me want to puke? You're reading that airtight email. What is when they refer to the fuck room as the playroom. It's always referred to as that. And they also say, do you want to play? Yeah. You want to play? This is where we'll play. Yeah. Play.

Pup play, play. But play is for children. So it's kind of for me. The term, I know. They just say sex. Should we have sex here? Sex? How much fucking do you need, bro? You need to go to a party with 20 strangers? No. It's just really, it's fucking weird. It's so much. Maybe we'll get into this when our kids leave the nest. Yeah. I think about it. That'll be good in our 60s. We'll show up and someone will be like, who wants to fuck a gross couple? What do you think swingers parties are? Yeah, I know. It's a lot of gross people, but.

I'm planning already. There's gross people everywhere, you know. The obesity epidemic isn't real and it shouldn't be an anti-capitalist talking point. When someone unironically references the obesity epidemic or even uses the word obesity, it tells me they really don't know what they're talking about when it comes to fatness. This use of the word obesity stems directly from the BMI, which was created by a eugenicist with no medical training who based the scale only on white bodies and cow math.

Oh, wait a minute. It's tied into anti-blackness. Did you know that, Eddie? What the fuck? Yeah. Don't fucking tie us in with your bullshit. What the fuck she talking about? Yeah. God damn. This is all you guys. That bitch got a fucking mustache. Come on, man. She styled it, too. She wants that shit. Yeah.

And it has deadly consequences for many groups of indigenous folks and other people of color, as well as fat folks. When you make the obesity epidemic a real symptom of capitalism, you are not only ostracizing fat people from anti-capitalist thinking, but also actively ignoring that the health outcomes related to obesity are more accurately attributed to food deserts and fatphobic discrimination in healthcare.

The obesity epidemic was created by Western medicine to avoid addressing the actual causes of health inequity, which is what we as anti-capitalists should be doing.

This is like just taking the words and putting them in a blender. And then when you pour it out, you're like, I'm not accountable for my actions. That's really the shake that you end up drinking. Yeah. This is called. You just spin. Yeah. You know the fact. Here's the reason you're fat. You're eating too much fucking food. Yeah, yeah. And you're not moving around enough. And it doesn't have anything to do with indigenous folks or black people or capitalism. It's because you're fucking eating too much. Yeah.

And you're lazy. That's why you're fucking fat. And you don't have any genetic. It's not colonialism. Jesus Christ. I think, too, this is like, hey, I just graduated with a liberal arts degree. Let me throw every fucking dumb thing they taught me. Her parents want to fucking kill themselves, too. Oh, I would die. She brings us up at dinner all the time. Oh, my God. And they're like, do you really want to have?

Another baked potato? And she's like, you know, as an indigenous person would say to you right now, and they're like, oh, for fuck's sake. Just eat, Kathy. Your mother made the Thanksgiving turkey. This is the capitalistic bullshit that you guys fucking sell. And she's like, okay, all right. I hate the anti-capitalists, too. And this is also the person who's the anti-capitalist also always is hitting somebody up for money. There's no way this person isn't being like. Of course.

Of course. They rail against us and then she's like, mom, I need you to Venmo me $500 right now. Of course. And how does she get her iPhone too to make the anti-capitalist video and to put it on her platform, her Instagram anti-capitalist platform? Anarchy. That's what would save everything, right? No one would be fat if we had an anarchist society. Actually, you're right. Your Syria method. Yeah. Yeah. There's not a big obesity epidemic there.

She's running the streets, dude. Literally running away from people. Everyone's got just enough to get by there. That's for sure. Jesus Christ. I would love it. I think this is great. We should round up the mentally ill. Fatty complaining is just the fucking funniest lane that there is. Like the fucking, these motherfuckers, man. Like,

Like, look, I've been extra fat and, and like you have perspective once you, you know, time goes by and you just realize there's just no, like you're, the problem is if you're trying to blame anybody but yourself, you just have to be accountable. That's the whole thing. Just be accountable.

That's the only thing you have to do. I know. And also, I don't, you know, like I see women too, like in the anti-feminist or feminist TikTokers and they're like, it's society. It's like, you know what? At some point you just have to stop blaming the external world. You just need to fucking push away from the table. That's all you got to do. She's blaming society.

for her fatness. The BMI is to blame. And she's blaming capitalism. And indigenous peoples. And people of color. Are you fat because of Jeff Bezos? That's why you're fat? No. You're fat because you keep eating and you're not hungry. You know how you always feel sick after you eat? It's because it's too much. It's too much. You eat too much. Yeah, I eat too much. It's too much. For those of you who just started listening to your mom's house.

That's our other intern. Ling now. Tom and I, at some point in our marriage, would go to Koreatown and order sushi. No, but this was actually in the South Bay. In the South Bay, we would go to a sushi place. And we were here, to be fair.

I was ordering too much. We were ordering way too much. I was, yeah. I was very overweight and I had an incredible appetite. I could eat a lot of food and I did. And sushi was one of the most fun things to order a lot of. That's one of those things where you go like, yeah, let me get like 30 pieces of that. Because you're not going to get a two-full. I never get full on sushi. It's not like greasy, right? So it's like, it's one thing if you go, let me get three cheeseburgers. It's like, dude, you're going to fucking shit here at the table.

but sushi you're like it's fish and rice you're like yeah do it up well and like the Japanese aren't fat and that's what they eat yeah they don't eat as much as we were eating but I would order and the lady be like no every time by the way not just once who else coming I'll be like no it's just us and she'll be like no too much too much

- She was like, "You ordered too much food." - I'm like, "No, but I want it." She's like, "Eat this first, then you order more." I was like, "Okay." - She would chastise us. "You ordered too much food." And we're like, "We're gonna finish it, bitch." Wait, what did we do though, remember? - This is why you look like this. And I was like, "Hey."

There's also that Korean lady at the burger place in West Hollywood on Santa Monica. There was that little burger stand that I used to go to. Yes, we love that place. What the fuck was that place called? It's like a dump stand. Yeah, yeah. They shut down. They ended up shutting down. But so they were Korean immigrants and they had great, they did breakfast burritos. And when I worked at Rocket Science, the post-production place, we would walk over there for breakfast and sometimes we would go for lunch and get burgers and

When you get a burger, they would serve you on a like old school, just traditional white paper plate. And she would draw. So she would just draw like a happy face or something. And one time for me, she drew like a face like this. And she was like, here you go. And I was like, oh, she's like big fat guy. Wow. I'll bet then to your in your defense, there was also women who wanted to feed you. Remember Summer?

our beloved son sunny yeah now i felt like a little competition from her when you and i were dating you know and the people like you forget that that she loved you i know but that world of people that would go there is actually like you can meet a lot of people in our age range who were going out at that time who know sunny

You know what I mean? Because that was a popular spot. She was a Silver Lake. Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Celebrity. Retard. Yes, yes. Yeah, yeah. So that was the bar. What was the place called? You remember the place? Smog Cutter. The Smog Cutter. A lot of people went there. You bring up Sunny now and people are like, I remember Sunny. So yeah, she was a little more beat down. She was about 20 years older than me. One day I was like, damn, what is that? And she was like, beef stew. I was like, shit.

let me know when you make the next batch. And she was like, I will. And then she hit me up. Okay. And she was like, still ready. Okay. You come eat. Okay. I was like, holy shit, Sonny's hitting me up. Yep. She's like, come here, little white man. And that's when you and I just started dating. Yeah, so you're like, ooh, who does he like? Who's this Sonny? Because I heard you told me the story and I started to get jealous. Like, who's this fucking bitch feeding my man? She didn't feed.

feed me but but let me wanted to let me tell you something yeah when a woman feeds you she likes you that's true or in my case if i feed you i love you yeah now i was very upset because you know what i'm saying like i remember one time i i went out with a girl one time i had met her at something and then she was like you should come over for lunch and she made a fucking

She wants to, she wanted you to wife her up. She did. She really did. I know. She knows a good thing when she sees it. Why didn't it work out with her? I don't know. It just didn't, man. It just didn't. But she really. You didn't like her looks? No, she was pretty. We just, I don't know. I was young, you know. I was fucking young. Not too young for me, bitch. Don't forget. I started kissing on you when you were just 23. I snapped you up quick.

Young Tom Segura. Okay. All right. Okay. Do you remember, though, I started cooking for you, and I don't just cook for any old piece of D that comes to my apartment. That's when a woman loves you. Yeah, that's true. No, that's a real sign. A woman cooks for you. She's got to care. She's got to care. Yeah. I know. And if you're dating someone and she's never cooked for you. Red flag. I think no bueno. No bueno. No.

Well, you know, I don't know. Like, I know there's a lot of women that don't cook. You don't have to be, that's the thing. You don't have to be a chef to pull it off. It's the fact that like, even if you learn how to make something, it's the act of like, I want to feed you. This just brings me back. See, you know what I'm learning the older I get is that as crazy as my parents were, are,

Every now and then they say stuff that rings true. And you're like, God damn it. Like, do I have to admit that my crazy parent is right? Like, remember my dad, my dad was dating this American woman and that was like the last American he dated. And remember his, his gripe about her. She worked too hard. She worked too many hours. He was like,

Yeah, she gets home from work. She doesn't bring me like kohlbass, like sausages, doesn't bring me beer, doesn't say, what do you want to eat? What can I make you? And you're like, yeah, she's tired. She's tired, but he doesn't like that. Get the fuck out of here with this shit. Yeah, get the fuck out of here. No, but this is what he says. He says, she don't bring me nothing. Don't bring me plate of salami, something. Bring me something, a beer. Yeah. She doesn't bring me nothing. But here's the thing. It's funny. But it's kind of true. It's kind of true. It is kind of true.

Because I don't do it out of subservience or fear. Now, this homo here, this is like the, this is the type of person that's like. This homo here. Yeah, this is the type of shit where this person goes like, well, you know, because there's this whole thing now of like,

Well, she's tired. And it's like, yeah, I get it. She is tired. And you don't have to do this every day. That's not what's happening every night. Right. But if it never occurs to you, like as the lady, to take care of your man in that way. And that's not saying that the man shouldn't take care of you in ways too. Right, which you do. But if you don't do that at all, yeah, that's kind of weird.

Because I know it's a, oh, it's a patriarchy, this and that. It's fucking. But like, listen, at the end of the day, and I learned this after having two children, that my nature, as much as I want to be a dude or I want to be in a man's world. Yeah. My nature is to give love, to be the center of the house, to provide love and comfort to my family. Yeah. And that makes me really happy. Yeah.

And I guess it's not, you know, feminist or whatever, but every now and then I bring you a plate of salami. We're watching movie together. It's nice, right? Yeah. That's nice. What's wrong with being nice? Be nice. Just be nice. Be nice. Just be nice.

That's all you want, is you want someone to be fucking nice to you. That's my favorite thing, by the way, in another person. Romantic or not. Just be kind. That's who you want to spend time with. Nice people. Kind people. It's so important. And to not start drama with the other fucking person. Fuck's sake. You dick. No! Why do you do that? I'm just having a mess. I know. I love it.

What a betrayal. It's a sprinkler. How could it be that much? Okay. All right. Stop. Why do you get me when I'm having a nice moment? I was having a nice moment, too. You ruined everything. Well, this is pretty spectacular. No one's just doing this. Why do you ruin the moment? I'm so upset with you. No. Glasses.

You put on the fucking bank loan officer glasses. Linda's here. Hey, you fucking bum man. Oh, shit, man. I know. It's fucking weird. Why are you upsetting me? I don't like this at all. This is me if I was living in Syria when I had my basketball injury. Oh, for sure. They'd cut it right off. I would be on the streets going, La matraca, traca, traca, la matraca, traca, traca.

There's no trauma fucking department there. No way. No fucking way, dude. Yeah. No, they would have sawed my leg off too. Yeah. I'd be limping. Done. No rehabbing that shit. They cut it right off. Yeah. Hey, can I tell you what I did yesterday? Yeah. I was home sick. And for the first time in my life, I watched Wheel of Fortune. I mean, not the first time in my life, since I was like a kid. Yeah. Dude, do you remember watching that shit? I haven't seen it forever. Yeah.

I didn't know that's still on. I mean, it's got to be like close to 50 years on the air. You know, Vanna White petitioned to keep her job when she got old because they wanted to fire her. Yeah. They wanted a new hottie. Of course. That's the position. But she's like, no, you keep me, you fucking piece of shit. Yeah. I'm still hot. Yeah. Yeah.

But I didn't watch today's. I watched the old Wheel of Fortune. And you know when you're a kid and you're like, you see the fabulous prizes and you're like, dude, they're like millionaires. Yeah, this is so crazy. Just giving them this shit? Yeah. I was watching, like the prizes are so craptastic. It's such shit. It's dog shit. It's like a brand new mirror made of. It's a mirror that has lights on it. Yeah. She's like, oh my God. You can hang it from the wall. Yeah.

The prizes were so fucking whack. But I did want to point out how attractive and thin people were. And if you could bring up, there's a contestant on there. This is from the 80s named Pam. And I was like, if this isn't Tom's type, what do you think? Yeah, Pam, she's cute. Pam can get it, right? Yeah, yeah. Pam can get all of it. Yeah, I like her. How do you know that? How do I know that? I know your type. Yeah.

But look how foxy. So Pam worked at a high-end car dealership. Oh, yeah. She closed a lot of fucking sales. Yeah, dude. She totally did. And so she was, Pam was in it for like the throat, dude. She was good. This is the fucking thing about dealerships. Fucking Pam. They're so stupid to have a floor full of male salesmen. Oh, I know. Because the men, the men that sell cars, you know, some are cool, a lot are not. And their whole thing is like,

You know, I mean, can you afford it? Like, can you do this? Shame on you. Yeah, it's playing on that psychology of like, can you do this, man? You know, right? And so like, it either feels insulting and you want to leave or you want to prove that guy wrong. Like, that's kind of the psychology of that. But a woman makes the guy go like...

No, yeah, yeah. I definitely want this. Yeah, right? And that's what they should have. Dealerships should just be full of attractive women selling. I'm telling you, their sales would go through the roof. A thousand percent. And what I liked about Pam's whole thing is that she's not dressing like a hoe at the car dealership. She's probably dressed kind of like this. Maybe she shows her clavicles to show vulnerability. But she's classy. And what Pam says to you is, if you buy this car, you're going to get to fuck somebody like me. Right. A high value...

And so Pam went for the jugular on this episode. She just absolutely crushed it. Really? And yeah. You watched this episode? I just, I really got dialed in. On YouTube? No, just on the Apple TV. If you put in Wheel of Fortune, you can see like the old. You can watch old. I mean, I would see that and be like, who the fuck would watch this? And little do I know, the person in my house is watching it.

This dummy right here. That's insane. Well, you know who told me to was Adam Egott because I was sick. And he goes, you know what you should do is watch Wheel of Fortune when you're sick. And I was like, that makes sense because when you're a child and you're home from school. That's what you watch. That's all you watched. You watch that daytime bullshit. This bullshit. Yeah. This stupidity where you think they're millionaires because they got a free fucking mirror. Yeah.

It was so funny. That's funny. Yeah. And then I can't even watch Jeopardy though because I feel like too much of a dummy. I feel more, more than the, you know. I'm not retarded. I feel so dumb. I can't watch Jeopardy. And I do that thing too on Jeopardy where if it's on and I get a question right,

I immediately changed the channel because I'm like, that's all that's happening on this. You want to ruin your winning streak. I'm like, I just got one right. I'm tapping the fuck out of this. Yeah. Yeah. I agree. Because sometimes they'll put up a category. They'll be like, you know, 90s hip hop artists. And I'm like,

I go two for two and I'm like, change, change, change, change, change the channel. Yeah. Obscure 80s goth bands. Yes. They do that every once in a while. But then they go like 13th century literature. And you're like, who the fuck?

And then you see somebody just like rip through it and you're like, how the fuck is this your knowledge? But like, how do they know? Like 16th century cabinet. Rivers in India. And you're like, this is, you know this? Why would anyone know this? There has to be a way that they prepare the contestant. Is there zero? Are they just like, are you smart? You want to try it? It can't be that every, somebody knows this shit. Okay. Let's see here. Uh, make that larger for my dad. How the fuck do you. Oh,

Okay. If you've decided to take the leap and try out, you have to dig into details. Setting for Jeopardy can be a daunting task. However, by creating a mind and adhering to the following tips, you can get better at it. The first thing that every Jeopardy contestant will tell you is to watch the show. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, no shit, Sherlock. The champions and showrunners will also advise you the same. It is not enough.

To get an idea about the trivia, you need the general cadence of how the questions are worded. What is... That alone... Tom, can I just tell you something? I wouldn't even be able to answer it properly. I'd be so nervous. That's right. It's in the form of a question? Yeah. What is the Ganges? I would fail every time. How to study... Goddamn. Watching Jeopardy on a regular basis will help you get accustomed to the categories of idiosyncratic subjects in the game. Jeopardy can ask you any questions on any subject from the entire history of all human knowledge. Wow.

However, some of the topics that come up repeatedly on the show are U.S. presidents, world capitals, and famous writers and painters. That's yes. In most Jeopardy games, we see the questions about day-to-day activities worldwide as it strikes the chords among the audience when the contestant provides the right answer.

Get the right resources. You may find thousands of blogs or videos on the internet to study Jeopardy. However, study guide from Jeopardy itself is considered a great place to get you started with basics. The guide will provide you with a well-rounded knowledge base to take a good shot at passing the test. Besides this, you can also refer to J6 on Alexa, Jeopardy, Test Prep Center J, Archive, and the Jeopardy fan. While you gather all the information from these resources online,

Start preparing a mind map where you can put all the references. By creating a mind map, you ensure that you will quickly revise all the major... I mean, this really is for the people that were excellent academics, like the great students. This is why they...

People who do really well on the show are almost always people that were great students, you know? Like Blossom is really good at this. Practice more. You know that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mayim Blanik, Manola Blanik, she's really good at this. The Jeopardy game is all about memorizing information. However, repetitive memory cramming is not enough. Oh. There are various sources on the internet through which you can learn. So, you know, I was offered Jeopardy. No, you weren't. Yes, I was. I was offered Jeopardy this year.

Excuse me, last year, in the fourth quarter of last year. I feel like you're lying. Is this one of the stories you tell the kids at bedtime? And then the ambulance stopped, and then they puked on each other, and then... No. You've been lying a lot. This is the poo pile. This is Jeopardy. Why would they offer you Jeopardy? Celebrity Jeopardy. I got offered to be on Celebrity Jeopardy. Oh, I would have loved to watch you fail. Yeah, you do it for...

You win like $100 for your charity. You're like, Starlight Foundation. You didn't know that? I turned it down. Obviously. I'm not making that up. I swear to God. Let's have Agent Jeans verify it. I don't even remember if he's the one that told me or not. Let's see. Are you calling Agent Jeans? Yeah, because you're calling me a liar. Because you lie so much lately. Hey.

What's going on? Hey, you're on the podcast right now. Jesus Christ. Yeah. I'm being called a liar, so I don't remember who called me with it, and so I'm trying to call the people. Do you remember me being offered to be a contestant on Celebrity Jeopardy? Please. Oh.

Oh, hesitation. I gotta be honest, man. Off the top of my head, I don't. Yeah, I was offered. Wow. I swear to God. Oh, you can find it in email. I'm sure it's there. I'm looking it up right now. I'm looking it up right now. We're gonna figure it out. What about the poo pile, Agent Jeans? Do you believe that existed? What the fuck is the poo pile? See, this is not the person to ask about that. All right. He knows everything we talk about. I don't buy this shit. I swear to God. How far do you think Segura could get on celebrity? It depends on who the other celebrities are.

Well, they would obviously have me be the dumbest one. So I don't think I would do well. Celebrity Jeopardy? I think you'd actually do pretty well on that. I tell you what you would fucking kill at is if you did Celebrity Family Feud versus the Kreischers or something. I think they did that. I think they did it. The Kreischer did already? Yeah, they did it. I would love to go Segura v. Kreischer.

That would be fun. We would bomb. Our kids would be like, penis. Yeah. Smell my asshole. All right. Agent James, you're pretty smart. You could do Jeopardy. I feel like I would love to do Jeopardy. He's smart. He knows stuff. We don't know stuff about stuff. I got the. I got celebrity, celebrity, celebrity Jeopardy. That stuff usually comes through publicist. So maybe it was them who called. OK, well, OK, sure.

Can you call them right now for me, please? You want me to dial them in? All right. Yeah, Andrew, stop what you're doing, all this business you're doing. No, just call me back. Call me back. Okay. Thank you. The Kreischers did do it. Yeah, they did. Where's Leanne? She died. I think she's like... She's probably at the... There she is. Oh, there she is. She looks great. Aw. Well, Bert. Oh, look at his face. Oh, my God. Doing the Steve face. I love it. What a great gig. All you have to do is go...

Who are they competing against? Marcus Limonis. He's like a billionaire or something. Oh, yeah. He's on the reality show. How did they do? Did they win? I'm not sure. Look how fat he is, too. Wow. That was before. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I would do celebrity family farts feuds. Family feud. Mm-hmm. I think I'm half decent at this game. Half decent. Jeopardy would be a wash for me. I'm an idiot. Yeah? I would know one question maybe.

I know a lot about very stupid things. Very little stupid things. I don't got general knowledge. I think they make the questions a little bit easier on the celebrity versions. They have to, right? They have to. Yeah, I'm pretty sure they do. Because it's always for charity, right? Google some Jeopardy. Let's see if we can do it. Oh, there's a test. There's a test? I mean, let's do it. You can do the fake test. Okay, let's write it down. You have to answer in the form of a question, Tom. What is retarded? Retarded.

We got to make YMH Jeopardy. Oh, shit. We should. You know what we should do? All right. All right. Are we going to answer together? So write down your answer. You write down your answer and then we'll answer separately. But you have to write it down like they do in that round where they write it down.

And I forget, is the rules that if you buzz in and you're wrong, you lose that money, right? Yeah, and then they take money, the money that you gambled, away from your amount. So how much can you even win playing Jeopardy? Because this is an awful lot of prep work for a fucking game show. I mean, I still remember being a kid watching that, what was it, Ken Jennings, right? Well, he's the host now, right? He's the host now. He's like sometimes host, I think, yeah. But I remember that motherfucker won like fucking 50 times in a row or some shit. How much money? Like millions? It must have been.

I mean, that's worth it for all the prep if you're studying for this thing. It's not like Wheel of Fortune where you're like, give me a T. Okay, take practice test. There you go. Oh, shit. All right, here we go. Don't forget to answer in the form of a question. I'm so scared. We're a celebrity, Jeffrey. Take the adult practice test. Okay, the test will begin in 30 seconds. But here's the thing. You're going to have to fill somebody's answer in, right? Yeah. Yeah. All right, all right, fine, fine. You guys can be a team. Okay, we'll be a team. Team Jeans? Sure. Okay.

I'm going to piss myself. I'm so not. And if we disagree on one, you make note of what you disagree. Sure. And then we see if somebody was right. All right, guys, the test will begin in five, four, three, two, one. U.S. President. Oh, shit. I fail. He succeeded. James Madison. I don't know. Oh,

Marilyn Monroe? Thomas Jefferson. Thomas Jefferson. James Carter, the party starter. Tim is Jefferson. Okay. Carter, the Bible. Oh, fuck. In Genesis chapter four, the Lord set mark upon this brother, lest any finding him should kill him. I don't know. Luke? Who is Luke? In Genesis chapter four, the Lord set mark upon him, the brother, lest...

Cain. Who is Cain? Okay, well, you meant write that down. Cain's brother was Abel. Okay, traditionally a black Russian pairs with this liquor. Oh. Oh, vodka. What is vodka? I know that. You know that. Potatoes, vodka. I know this one. Okay, five simple words. Oh, xenophobia. Xenophobia. What is xenophobia? You didn't do it in the form of a fucking question. Oh, yeah, that'd be a big problem. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. That alone farts. All right.

This armless statue was discovered in pieces on the mail. Oh, fuck. What is that shit that's in Italy? That fucking shit? Eight seconds. Michelangelo? No. What is David? Venus? Venus. Do Venus, D'Amilo. Okay. Venus. I don't fucking know. Oh, fuck me. Weights and measures. Four pounds equals this. What's 12 times four? 48. I don't know. What? I don't know. I say 48. Wait. Four pounds equals how many ounces? 60. 60.

Oh, shit. This is the other one. Edward Rochester catches the eye of this title heroine. Come on. I mean, who is the woman? Jane Eyre? I don't fucking know. You don't play the game like that. Frankenstein? Mary Shelley? No.

Four-letter words. That's our lane. It can mean 500 sheets of paper in the plural. Reams? It just signifies a lot of stuff. Ream. What is ream? Okay. Yeah, I know that. Oh, good job. Oh, physics. Okay. It's what M stands for in the equation. F equals MA. I don't know. I think mass. Food and drink. The expensive golden spice is a key ingredient of paella. Oh, what is saffron? Saffron.

You have to say it in the form of a question. What is that from? What is the form of a question, Josh? That's fine. That tells us to not use it in the form of a question. Okay. 19th century. She was crowned. She was crowned on June 20th. You should know this. Well, I know. Hold on. It's before. Is it Victoria? Sure. Victoria. Queen Victoria. Parts of speech. Oh, shit. By, of, and outside are examples of this part of speech. All I know is a participle. I don't know. Dangling. I don't know. I have no idea. I have no idea.

I say participle? Participle, adverb, adjective. I don't know. I'm stupid. Sports leagues. Oh, that's yours, Tom. The Atlanta Dream and Los Angeles Sparks. The WNBA. See, that's what I do when I change the channel. Her novel, The Bell Jock. Oh, Sylvia Plath. I actually knew one. How do you spell Plath? Do you know? P-L-A-T-H. Okay. Pop stars. Maybe we know this one. In 2020, she released the album Folklore, followed up just five months later with Evermore. Taylor Swift? Yes.

Sure. Taylor Swift. Lana Del Rey? Let's go Taylor Swift. It's not Taylor. Shakespeare. Don't know this either. Okay, I might know this. The prince has the most lines of any character in a single play by Shakespeare. This prince. Prince? Hamlet? Prince Hamlet? I don't know. King Lear? Okay. Science. It's the most plentiful element in Earth's atmosphere. Oxygen? No. No.

Wouldn't it be carbon dioxide? Carbon? Carbon. Carbon. Carbon or carbon? Yeah, carbon-based. That's what they say, carbon-based things. That's what we are. Lovestruck Tamino makes use of this title instrument in a Mozart opera. This title instrument. Lovestruck? Cello? Othello?

Fuck a vinyl. This is stupid. How many fucking... I know, I'm all over it. We're almost done. Songs from this musical include When Velma Takes the Stand and Cell Block Tango. All right, we failed. Look, is there any way to get through this? What is it, the thing? Songs from the musical. Cell Block Tango. The Grease? Would that be... No. Just leave it like that. Wait, we're done. This is enough. Lakes. There's 30 questions. It's the westernmost of North America's Great Lakes. Lake Ontario? There you go. Lake Michigan? Ontario. Ontario.

Oh, okay. Psychology. I was in therapy. Short winter days can trigger this disorder. Sad disorder. Yeah. Abbreviated sad. Seasonal affective disorder. Nice. I actually know something. Yeah. Change the channel. I know that because it's cat. It's not cat. It's cat. Super cat. Much of Mexico is made up of a mountain system bearing this motherly name. The Sierra Madre? Oh, yeah. Right? Good, good. I don't know. Good. I'm just guessing things. I don't know. Authors. We're almost there, guys.

Leaving a small but beloved body of work, she died in Monroeville, Alabama. Who the fuck knows this? Leaving a small body. Maya Angelou? Was that a small body? Maybe now. She was pretty big. Well, I know, but she left. A small body. I don't think she. I don't know. Whatever. U.S. government. This term refers to a member of the president's cabinet selected to not attend the State of the Union speech in case of catastrophe. Secretary of Defense? No, it's a term, though. We're looking for a term that refers to. Oh, man.

Runner up. Oh, shit, guy. I don't know. Medical milestones. Oh, Jesus. My hands are sweating. In 1987, AZT. AIDS. AIDS, yeah. That's awesome. Yeah. Turn it off. Turn it off. It's the only U.S. state that touches both Nevada and Canada.

That would be, is it Montana? Montana? Maybe. Maybe Montana? Yeah. Just leave it. Sure. World leaders. We're almost there. Serving from 69. She was Israel's first female prime minister. Oh. Oh, Netanyahu? No. What's her fucking name? I know her name. Or something Goldie. Goldie? Goldie. Damn it.

IE. It's a time crunch that makes me nervous. Poetry. In a poem by Maya Angelou. Oh, shit. These two words proceed. Sings with a fearful trill and sings of freedom. Your mother. Your pussy hole. Sweet little birdie. Bird. Something with a bird. Your pussy bird. Okay. My snatch. Oh, fuck. Three Gs. This is exhausting. A flock of geese. Gays. Gays? Gays. I don't know. A flock of geese. Isn't it a flock of geese? A gaggle. A gaggle. Yeah. Yeah.

Classic films. This is it. In this classic, Rick still has feelings for Isla, even though she's married to Victor Laszlo. I don't know. I don't know. I don't watch classic films. Just a streetcar named Desire. I'm an idiot. I watch 80s movies. No, no. Gone with the Wind. Gone with the Wind. I've never even seen that. Do you know I've never seen either of those films? All right. Okay. Who is James? Thomas Jefferson. It should have been James Monroe. Okay. We got that wrong. I said Marilyn Monroe. You said Kane or somebody said Kane. I did. I did.

Whoa. Yeah, it was Cain. You were right for the Bible. Because those are my famous brothers. Okay, hey, one for CP. Okay, nice job. I thought it was Cain and Abel. What the fuck? Yeah. Vodka. I got it. That's two for CP. Xenophobia. Got that. You got that one. We wrote Venus. It is Venus de Milo. Venus, we did it. Shit, it's 64. I said 60. Close enough. Jane Eyre.

Jane Eyre. I got Jane Eyre? Yeah. Jane Eyre. You got Reem. I got Jane Eyre. That's the only thing I know. Reem. Reem. I got Reem. Mass is correct. I got that. Saffron. Saffron, correct. You guys are doing good. Victoria is correct. Sorry. I'm so excited I know Jeopardy. Yes. What is a preposition? Yes. WNBA. Did I get the preposition right? No, no, no. No. WNBA is correct. Sylvia Plath is correct. Taylor Swift is correct. Hamlet's correct. Wow.

What? Nitrogen is the element. The magic flute. And guess what? That's cocked. I was going to say flute. And I was like, that says joke. And then you said cello. And it was, all right. Wow. Chicago, not Greece. Fine. Hey, we did good, mom. Big superior. Seasonal affective disorder. Sierra Madre is correct. Yeah. Good job, James. Harper Lee. Forgot that one. I remember. To kill a mockingbird. Oh, designated survivor is the term. Definitely got AIDS, correct. Yeah.

Idaho. I said Goldie. It's Golden Bear. I said Pussy Bird and it's Caged Bird.

Gaggle, correct. You did that. Casablanca. God knew it. Hey, we did pretty good. We did pretty good. Team Genes can actually do this. Yeah, that was awesome. Dude, but being a two brains, we know stupid things. Yeah. Like I know stupid shit. You know stupid shit. We could probably do this. If two people could be one contestant on Jeopardy, we'd have a fighting chance. If we were conjoined. I know. Then they would have to allow it.

Whoa. Have they ever had conjoined twins on Jeopardy? I'm guessing yes. That would be the best episode ever. That was really exciting. We didn't do half bad. No, not bad. Not too bad. I'm pretty stoked, dude. Thank you. Wow.

And guess what? I will never take that test again. No, that was so stressful. My hands are still sweating. I know. I know. Like I'm feel it. They're so clammy. It's not just my viral illness. I'm so nervous. Yeah. It's that time constraint. And then you have to like, remember when they write it down? Yeah. That would make me absolutely batty. Yeah.

It's a lot. And he, oh, the camera's on you and you're on TV. And you have, here's the thing, the other pressure. So scary. This is solo. You got two Smarties right around you. Oh, I know. By the way, speaking of game shows, I can't believe I haven't mentioned this yet, but I am on this season of Is It Cake? Yes.

On Netflix. Yeah. Mikey Day is a huge YMH fan and I've invited him to come on the show, even though he's filming SNL right now. Yeah, sure. We've reached out to him. I had so much fun doing that show. Our children watch it. We watch it as a family and it was such an honor to do Is It Cake? It was so much fun. I can't wait for you guys to see me on that episode. That's so cool. I had such a good time. Speaking of dinner and eating and cake. Yeah.

No...

And then with whatever you wish to season, using the tip of your knife, add granules of salt onto whatever you wish to season. No, that can't be right. So, this is an etiquette guy video. Yeah. He makes these videos. And I thought it'd be fun to check out what kind of comments he gets. What's the proper etiquette to giving a foot job under the table? 49,000 likes. I like it. Yeah. What's the etiquette to finger a goth mommy and drinking up her little lady's juice?

That's what this guy who's making nice etiquette videos gets. Yeah. What's the etiquette if your one salty hole touches the meat? You know this guy, too. He's just really trying to educate with how to do this. What's the etiquette for complimenting your urinal neighbor on his piece? And I like that the profile photo is this guy with his woman. He's just like. He's a wholesome. Yeah, nice guy. It's his mom. Incorrect. The proper etiquette is to use grinder to find a hole.

It's pretty cool. Yeah. If you're wondering, this is Instagram William Hanson Etiquette. He is an etiquette coach who is the director of the English Manor, which has been the UK's most established etiquette training institute. And he's getting foot job and like cum shot comments on his videos, which is really fun. Yeah. Yeah.

And I think they're all like that. Can I tell you that this one in particular tickles me? Yeah. Because he's a grown adult. Yeah. He can handle it. He can handle it. I know. He's not like that poor girl. I know. The girl who's like, you know, hey, I got one thing in this hand. Which one am I going to do? It's just like the most banal dad joke stuff. And everyone's like, I bet it's real grippy in there. And you're like, what?

Holy shit. Yeah. You know, she's not ready for any of that. Even our beloved coffee making friend. Oh, yeah. I don't like that she gets this hate. Caitlin came to the party. She came to the party. Yeah. I love Caitlin. She's great. She doesn't deserve it. This is phenomenal. Yeah. Go after the pompous British guy. There you go. Punch up. Yeah. Not down, kids. There you go. Yeah, sure. What? I mean, who cares? I know. Yeah.

I'm just something people say that are good at Jeopardy! The qualified. How many would we have got, have to get right to qualify, I wonder? Oh yeah, I wonder. Incorrect. The proper etiquette is to use Grindr. Tests, anytime tests are the primary entry points. Anyone who wants to compete on Jeopardy! Each one allows to qualify for an audition via a 50 question test taken online. So you have to do 20 more questions than that, and I assume do pretty well, right? Yeah.

Yeah. And the good thing is they don't give you time to research them, like to Google it because it's so fast. Yeah. All right. I'm done. I don't want to be on Jeopardy. That was so stressful. I know. That was horrible.

Very impressive, though. Yeah, thanks, SmartChad. You're welcome. I'm pumped, dude. Janey-er. Did you get those all right, SmartChad, on your own? I knew quite a few of them, but I think you guys kind of did as well as I would have done. Wow. Nice. And that's coming from SmartChad, everybody. Two of us make one SmartChad. That's right. Two brains. Two dummies make one SmartChad. So cool. Can I piss real quick? You want to piss? Okay. I have to piss. Go piss. How was your pee? You want to know how mine was? Yeah.

It was amazing. Amazing. That was a great pee. That was so good. I'm glad we take pee breaks. It makes me feel like I can focus. You realize you can if you want to. Do what you want. We're not on live television right now. No, we're not on Jeopardy. What if it's a shit on Jeopardy? That'd be crazy.

And like you hit the buzzer and you're like, I got to take a shit. And he's like, no, that's not. You're like, no, no, I really, I have to now. What is I have to take a shit? Yeah. What is I got a shit bad? Yeah. But I imagine you do because you're so stressed out. It's so stressful. And if you have some, that's the thing is I was saying,

it's not just like, oh, this is the internet on the clock. Oh, let's figure it out. You have two smarty pants. How bummed would you be if you know one and you just didn't, you're not fast enough, right? That's the biggest problem. I got one. And then you like this fucking guy next to you gets it.

That'd be the real bummer, especially if like the academic who's getting the artists and the poets and the geography. If he beats you on the pop star one, you know, or, you know, it is all about the click in first and then you say it. What, what is that? Yeah. Fuck. I would just, you know what I would do? I'd be so nervous. I just click it. And then I'd be like, I'm sorry, bro. Yeah. Blank again. But I, I won this part. I keep winning this part.

What is I Have Diarrhea? I'd be so nervous. Because I realized when I was on Is It Cake that even that's like a silly fun show, when the timer is on and you have to make a choice, it's really scary. You're just nervous and you're like. Yeah. You're like. Mark Wahlberg. You know? It's that kind of pressure. It's the pressure. Totally. Totally. Totally.

Here I go. The most beautiful sound in the world. That's really great. There you go. TikTok. Jesus Christ. How is he that chill? The Ruskies keep doing this. I thought it was all Arabs at first. You would fuck with one eating? What?

The confidence of these owners, it's astonishing. It's like, that's me and my woman. Yeah. Now he's protecting the woman. That's every signal you know already internally what that means. Everybody knows. Look at this guy. With your face. No, no, no, no, no. Don't do that. Don't do that. Oh, my God. Is that a lynx? Is that what that is? With those ears? It's a what? A carackle. What? Can you do the search result for it? What's a carackle?

Yo, this is like, I mean, it's beautiful. I understand why. It's stunning. It's called a carackle. Dude, I haven't even heard of this. Scroll down. Like, look at those things. That's so exotic. I've never even heard of this. Yeah. Notice that all the photos are in the wild. That is like the fucking African. Yeah. Like the planes. Where is that? Or I don't know. But like.

Let's do a search on, yeah. Where does this thing exist normally? This thing is not your house. This should be out in nature, bro. Africa. Africa. Yeah, don't fuck with it. And the Arabian Peninsula throughout Northwest India. Yeah.

They live in the savannas. Yeah. So they survive in extremely inclement. It's a small wild cat. As wild animals, they are territorial, messy, and can be aggressive. Wildlife experts strongly warn against keeping caracals as pets, even if it is legal to do so in their state. Can we just do like a search on just a caracal? Caracal for sale, Austin. And some of its features. Yeah, just like the wiki. Should we get one for the office? Here we go. Hit that.

look at that fucking thing it is characterized by robust build long legs short face reaches 16 to 20 inches at the shoulder and weighs 18 to 42 pounds um

typically nocturnal. It is highly secretive and difficult to observe. It is territorial. Lives mainly alone or in perils. It is a carnivore. Preys upon birds, rodents, other small mammals. It can leap higher than 10 feet and catch birds in midair. It stalks its prey until it is within 5 feet in which it runs down and kills it with a bite to the throat or the back of the neck. This is also possible with a human being. Both sexes become sexually mature by the time they are one year old. They breed throughout the year. Let's see...

Juveniles leave their mothers at the age of nine to 10 months. Let's scroll down a little bit here. I mean, that's fierce looking. It is a fierce looking animal. The crackle is also known as a desert lynx or the Persian lynx. Good job, Tom. You would have gotten that right on Jeopardy. I think it would have gotten credit. I would have been like, lynx. And they'd be like, no, crackle. I'd be like, look it up. Fucking look it up. Yeah, these things. I mean, everything about it says don't have this at the house. Yeah. This is not good for the house. Yeah.

What the fuck are you thinking? Right. Oh, yeah. You see the little fucking kitten of it and you're like, that's cute. The ears are high, signifying it can hear very well. Here's another tidbit of information. And I'm not an animal expert. Any animal that can leap 10 feet in the air will fuck up your whole life. 10 feet it can leap in the air.

Oh, dude, you can buy one for like $4,000. It's vertical. 120 inches. You can get one in South Carolina right now. That's fucking insane. That's insane. How is that even? How is this legal? You can sell one. And then when this fucks something up, it's on you. Yeah. You know? For sure, dude. That's so not expensive to have a wild cat in your house. Five grand and you get to own a fucking wild cat?

Have it rip your face off in your sleep. Eight grand. That whole like... And you're like... And he's fucking with it while it's eating just to see how much he can press it. Get out of here. All right. Here we go. That's pretty amazing. That was for you. Hit her. Hit her.

Feels good. Oh shit!

My butthole just... Right now he's like, don't fucking resist.

This is assault. The hammer thing is 100%. There's zero. I have, there's zero evidence that that's an effective tool for like recovery in any way. When they just go like, the person's like, you just got hammered in the back. That's all that happened. You haven't gone to school for it. Yeah. I haven't gone to school for it. Yeah. Yeah. No, you're right. No, no, this isn't, this is a no way shape or form. Yeah. Positive thing. No, you can't do that. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, because that hunch exists. He's like trying to put it back straight. You can't hammer that. That's not how that works. For sure. For sure. This is Ruski, right? I'm sure. I don't know. Is that Ruskin? Yeah. He's not Mexican either, but he's one of those kind of countries. But I've seen this so many times, the hammer thing, and it always results in somebody...

howling in pain. Yeah, it's not. They just take the thing and they go, and then someone's like, and they're like, okay, relax. Because it's a cartoon method. It's what Tom and Jerry did. Yeah. It's not real. You're not supposed to do that. Yeah, it's a silliness. It's what it's going to make you do. That's good. It's just like the fucking...

vile you want to describe what they're seeing though yeah this is like a bean stew with red bell peppers onions green peppers so you know the farts are coming so they put the fart noise there for you it's very clever do they vary the farts based on what the food is yeah this is like that's the fart you're gonna have that's what that's what they're doing that's very clever that's the kind of fight you get so sometimes it gives you like a and you're like that's what this will do

Yeah, your smells dictate. This would give me just loose stools with a lot of farts. Yeah. I'm so tired of white cis women being more dedicated to being called a healer than actually doing the work to be a healer. The only thing that you're worried about healing is your bruised ego and being confronted with your complacency in genocide and your obsession with upholding privilege.

You do not need more nice white women. Are you kidding me? And stop asking marginalized people to do the work for you because you don't feel comfortable with it. I am so tired of having conversations with white cis women where they're more upset about the fact that they're being called in or called out than the fact that they're harming marginalized people. The fact that there is little genocide that they are paying for with the fucking advertisements they're putting all over Instagram. And these are the same women that are the first to minimize the impact of social media.

and also the first to use social media as their business opportunity to use their voice to create their community. I'm so confused. So why is it that when in your mode of healing and community and business, why the fuck is liberation not being centered? Y'all are stealing resources and precious energy and precious time from marginalized people because you... Okay. Made it!

So just so you know, this person is also differently abled and trans. Yeah. And maybe they are plural. Are they plural? Yeah, they're a member of like all five. Which by the way is also a fucking result of colonialism.

And capitalism. And I'm fucking sick of it. Well, I'm so sick of everything contributing to your genocide, too. You don't even know that. And you're just trying to be some nice white lady, you fucking asshole. And all I'm doing is upholding white male privilege. It's disgusting. What a beta! Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

It's disgusting. What the fuck does this person even... What do they do? I don't know, but I've... What are you doing? I've been following this person and every video they're super upset about... Of course they are. There's something to be upset for about...

It's cool. I mean, look, someone's got to be upset and that's their job. Yeah, you got cool earrings. Just being upset. That's cool. Oh, I think they have a great look. I like the door knocker. I'm always a fan of door knocker. Door knocker's cool. I like the tats. Yeah, the hair's coming on the face. You keep the injections up. Looks good. It'll fill in one day. Yeah. There you go. Looks good. I tried. Give us some more snow, mama. Yeah. Can I buy some beef, mama?

I don't know what's happening. So this is the type of guy you get. Yeah.

That's someone's boyfriend. Isn't that crazy? You could end up with a guy like that. Isn't that cool? I hope so. That's like your second guy? He's so interesting. When you drop dead and I'm like, I don't want to get married. I just want to have fun. I want to have fun. And then he's like. That's what's left of the dating pool. You go over there and laugh. Oh, yeah. It'll be pretty sparse out there, I think.

Not a lot to pick from. This is who's left over. Holy shit. Is that how you say that word? What? Sparse? I don't know. Is that wrong? I've been saying sparse. Sparse. I think sparse. I said sparse. Oh, okay. But I also don't use it a lot, so I probably mispronounced it. Yeah, but you qualified for fucking Jeopardy today. Yeah.

Sparse. I should have said sparse. Sorry. Well, I don't know if I was wrong, so I'm glad. Sorry. That's the kind of guy you're getting. Well, I think about it a lot after our children leave the nest and you drop dead. What am I going to do? I'll be in my 60s, like you said. What will you do? Dude, I'm literally like...

Planning. I guess what I'll do is like charity work. I'll, you know, volunteer a lot. Yeah. Practice drumming. Yeah. Garden. Garden. Dogs. A lot of dogs. I'm going to get at least 10 to 15 dogs. You could do like a dog rescue place. I would love to be a dog rescue mom. Yeah. Yeah. I'd like foster fucked up dogs and let them shit all over our house and stuff. Yeah. And I would take care of animals. That's cool. I'm glad I'm dead. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Yeah. Well, basically I'm going to do all the stuff you wouldn't let me do in life.

Let you? Well, you know what I might do is remodel the house to look like a castle. Oh my fucking God. I'm so glad I'm dead. Like a British castle? Yeah. I think that would be pretty cool. Or a vampire den. Yep. Checking out early. Or a goth lair. I think I should just do the whole house. Fuck you, Deco! Make way! We want it! So, our Domenica will try. If this doesn't break, the people will be ex-slavers.

Yeah. See, here's the thing, man. I'm not trying to give her a hard time. Yeah. But like that's, she shouldn't be on that ride. Nobody should be. And I was like, wait a minute, why are they on that ride? And then I see this guy speaking. I'm like, oh, that's why she's on that ride.

Because there's other parts of the world where they're like, fucking, it's not a problem. This is hilarious. Let's watch this happen. Here they'd be like, you can't ride this ride. We're scared of the lawsuit. And then there they're like, no lawsuit, nothing. In Slovenia, there's no such thing as a lawsuit. You fall, you die. This is your problem, not my problem. She's a big girl. Yeah, this is my tribe. She's a victim of capitalism and, you know.

upholding her privilege. Yeah. Yeah, put her on the outside, definitely. That centrifugal force is going to put her there. I wouldn't sit like that either. I would sit low. There's no way, dude. Look at them clowning her, dude. They're straight clowning her. Savage. Because she could, like, with the force generated from the momentum, she could break that. Derail the whole thing. Oh, yeah, 100%. Yeah. That's a lot of weight. Centrifugal force.

He knows. He knows. He's like, I have fun days for today. Look at that fear grip. That is a grip of fear on that thing. And it should be down further. It's too loose already. Yeah. The rail? It needs to be much further down. Her tits are going to stay up. That's it. You realize the meth has just this. Look how close her head is to that fucking thing. Jesus, dude.

Oh my god. So dangerous. It is fun to watch people that shouldn't ride rides ride them. For sure. Oh yeah. Her insides are going to be bruised too. Yeah. Yeah. Her face is so close. To that fucking metal thing? To like some of the metal, yeah. Oh I know.

It's just a couple, like, you know, refugees that assembled this thing. They had a couple gypsies prop it up. For sure, dude. What do you think it is in the U.S. here? Same thing. A couple of scumbags assembling this stuff. No way. We didn't really follow the directions. No way. No, this is so dangerous already. Yeah. And then she's, you know. Yeah. But I can watch fat people on roller coasters all day long. That's a good. That's a good. It's a whole new land. Why don't you start a new channel?

Just gather videos and post that. Yeah, because there's no limits in this part of the world. No limits, baby. No limit soldiers, all of us. Looking for trainer codes for Pokemon Go. So if anybody plays Pokemon Go, you could send me your trainer codes. Send him the trainer codes. I'll invite you. Thank you. That is a really cool video. I like that it cuts off there.

Why would an adult man need trainer codes for Pokemon Go? What do you think's going on? Yeah. This is why our kids are allowed on the internet. Yeah, you can't chat with this fucking guy with GamerMan73. 1973. Get the fuck out of here. He's only three years older than me. He looks great. Yeah, then our son is like, GamerMan and I have decided to do a couple trades. He's coming to Austin. Can he come over?

Fuck no. Of course. Yesterday he was like, can I open, can I have chat? I'm like, absolutely not. No. No. For women to be fat in the future. I'm afraid, yes. But not okay now.

No. You have a responsibility to make the fashion different for slightly healthier models. I'm sorry to say that this is a subject that I consider on the bore of the ridiculous for several reasons. The story with the anorexic girls, nobody works with anorexic. That has nothing to do with fashion people who have that. They have problems with family and things like this.

There are less than 1% of anorexic girls, but they are over in France, I don't know, in England, over 30% of girls with big, big overweight. And it is much more dangerous and very bad for the health. So I think today with the junk food in front of TV and things like this, it's something dangerous for the health of the girls.

skinny but they're not that skinny. But they're borderline unhealthy when you look at the model in H&M campaigns. All the new girls are not that skinny. You know there's a new evolution. One of the most working girls today is Saskia. She's over 30 and she's a new model. There are a lot of girls who are not only 15. I don't think that this kind of dialogue is something that will work in fashion. Look if Twiggy would come today, everybody would say

too skinny, too this, too this. Twiggy was a girl. Everybody wanted to look like Twiggy. Every girl wanted to. So is this Lagerfeld? Yeah, Karl Lagerfeld, yeah. So he's saying that. The fashion industry doesn't create anorexia. Don't give me your big girl endorsement, please. This is not for fashion. Did you see how he almost threw up in his mouth when he's like, she's 30. She's a popular 30-year-old girl. Yeah.

She's probably a size 4, 6, obese. Over 100 pounds. I don't know. It's disgusting. But, you know, this is the world today. He's mortified. Mortified that everybody's not too big. Some of these girls are 105, 110. You know, they're big. It's different. Imagine what he thinks obese is. Oh, me? I'm a whale to this guy. He'll throw me in the river. In this case, we just put the dress on a man, you know. It's the same.

That's going to be fucking cover of Modern Drummer Magazine is going to be fucking devoted to that drum fill. It's amazing that you can play that drum fill in nine beats. Just because it's a little confusing for the fucking bass playing element. Okay. It's going so well too. Is that amazing? Yeah, but I think he's also there having fun.

Yeah. I think they're actually having fun. I think they're doing this on purpose. They're laughing. They're having a good time. That's fucking drum fill. Is that too much for you? I think they're having fun. Real ones actually feel different. Like real, real freak outs feel different than that. Like the one that Elton John has had some day. Oh, yeah. That's fucking real. Right. Because Sting is laughing there. Yeah, they're having fun.

And I think because they know each other, then they start to do like, is this too much for you? Yeah. Well, listen, as a professional drummer. Yeah. You're a fucking drum expert. I have to say that it is a lot, that drum fill that he did. It would throw off the rest of the instruments from what I understand. Yeah. Because he's making it about him a little too much. Yeah. The other people can't. It's yeah. It's too much. You're supposed to assist the other folks. Right. I don't know. Pretty cool.

I like it. I do like these things, especially when they're real freakouts. It's him again. It's the gay Scottish guy again. And we don't know what the fuck he's talking about, but I like him. I like his energy. What?

I wish I knew what he was talking about. Is there any females that are single, don't have any boyfriend or anything in Mobile, Alabama? I'm single, never been married, never had kids. Well, I can't have kids, but if you're all single women in Mobile, needs a date. Is that farting? I don't know what that noise is. Because if you put out farts during your I'm single thing, it's a bold move.

Because he's dealing with the angle, the footage, the message, and then is there a fart sound going? I think there is. I feel like it's the sound of like a drone or something. Is there any females that are single, don't have any boyfriend or anything in Mobile, Alabama? I'm single, never been married. I know what it is. I know what it is. What is it? You know, those people, they look on the beach. That's what that is? Maybe it's a metal detector. Yeah.

Maybe he's metal detecting. He's farting. He is farting during his TikTok plea for a woman. I always think it's such an interesting thing to be like, I'll use this to see if someone wants a date. Well, it's Mobile, Alabama. I mean, Mobile is not as... No, he's a catch for Mobile, Alabama. Don't you think?

No. I've only been to Birmingham. I think you're having some people yelling at their phones right now. I'm not impressed. Okay. I don't know. There's a lot of single women in Mobile. Here's the thing. Can we give them a plug at least? Maybe if you are in Mobile and you're sad and you like farts, you're considering going on a date with the, does that say the wheel? The wheel Scott Wogoon. So as opposed to the real, right? Scott Wogoon.

Oh, okay. Yeah, so I guess Scott Rogers is probably his name. Because he's doing like a retard version. No, that was Tanner. That was Tanner. What's his real handle?

The wheel Scott Wadges. But like it's supposed to mimic his speech impediment. Yeah. So that's how that's how the handle is written. Yeah. With W. The wheel Scott Wadges. That's what he's putting out there. Because he's self-aware. Hey ladies do you want to go with the wheel Scott Wadges? But he's aware. He's self-aware. Okay. He knows what he sounds like. I admire that. I'll say this. I hope you do. I really do hope you get a date. I hope there's somebody in Mobile that's like I want to meet the wheel one. Yeah.

You know? Maybe this one's the real one. Okay? Just being there with you. Oh, fuck. Just being around you. Oh, God. Just sitting there with you. Even if we're not saying anything at all. Yeah. Brightens my day and makes me so much more happier than any other time during the day. I hate this. That wheeze is no good. You are the person that saves me when I'm a bullet shot out of a gun. Oh, fuck. Fuck.

I'm not sure what to do or how to feel. You are the compass that sets me right. Thankful for you always. Dude, clear your throat, dude. Okay, that was terrible. Another thing, this is not a fucking public post, dude. This is to one girl. You send this to one person. How do you not know this? Do you think he saw her name and hit it and was like, oh, this will just be for her? I don't know. Also, this feels like something that somebody maybe didn't want to receive.

You know what I mean? Like, he fucked up. And then he's like, look, you're the fucking one that just...

It really, I just being around you is like, I don't, I'm sorry about everything. That's what it feels like to me. This isn't just like, good morning. Just so you know, you make me feel like nobody else. This is because he's also talking in this way. He's like, I just, I know I'm shot out of a gun. It's a sincere plea. Yeah. It's a plea. Yeah. He's like, this is what you do for me. You're so important to me. When I'm shot out of a gun? Yeah, that makes. What the fuck? It's terrifying. It's terrifying.

Does he have more shit like this? She doesn't feel validated. He's validating her. I probably didn't make you feel the way I should have. Even when we just sit there in silence, which is one of my favorite things. I know that's what you like. Nobody else makes me feel this way. I wish you'd make me a nice video like this. Yeah, you want something like this? Yeah, how come you don't do this? Oh, God. I just want to feel like a pug.

I don't want to see you in the morning. His pulmonary edema. Yeah. He's been with you. Yeah, this is completely fucking me. This is my favorite part of the day. Oh, fucking A. Consistency is what I like to see. Consistency. Oh, wonky eyes?

Birdland. It's kind of crazy because it looks like it's almost like a real channel, but then the shorts, you go over to this tab is where it gets real crazy. Oh, so this is the guy who manages, that's what's going on here, right? Yeah. He's putting out sports content on like the main feed and then his shorts are this shit. What is he saying? Is he doing more weird shit like that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's look at it. Falling in love. Oh my God. It's like handing somebody a loaded gun. Gun again. Point it at your heart. Shit. Shit.

And trusting them not to pull the trigger. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. That is true. He's not wrong. That's how I feel about you every day. I'm just trusting you. I will never say that I'm sorry I met you. Oh, boy. Who is this for? I will never say that I regret you. Because at a certain point in my life. You put the music to this? You gave me exactly what I needed. She's gone, though. And for that. This is gone. This past tense. I will always be thankful. He's really in it right now.

Daily reminder you can eat right you can go to the gym you can do everything imaginable To keep your body right? Mm-hmm, but if you're not doing the things to keep your heart and your mind, right? Yeah, I think I love them the body's gonna fall apart anyway. Oh It's another true post one your emotional and

Mental health, yeah. Mental health first. I think so. It's a good point. And everything else will fall into place. Not groundbreaking, but it's very true. Go ahead. What else is there? What's next? The truth is you have to delete the pictures.

Delete the number. He lost her. He lost her. So you can learn the lesson. Yeah, that was the plea. And then you're right. It was a plea, Tom. Yeah. The truth is. Okay, you can stop. He's in love and it ended. And now he's just like, he's letting it pour out. And a great thing to do is to put that online for everybody.

to consume your grief and your heartache. I wish there was a game show like this for TikTok detectives where you and I piece together people's mental state and storylines. All I want to do, honestly, is reach out and be like, I understand. You should take all this. You should delete this. All of it, bro. Don't leave any of this out. Don't put this out there. No. But maybe she sees it. Send it to her then. Send it to her. You can send her a series of videos. You know her. Yeah. Yeah.

Send her videos. Maybe she doesn't open them. Maybe she does. But now you have it on your fucking mom's house. Like, you know what I mean? She's going to see it now. Yeah. She believes me now. Yeah. It's so embarrassing. Come as much as I used to. Sure do now. All right. We should wrap it up. We got lunch here. We got a lot of things. We have big activities coming up over this next week. Whole family. We're traveling. Yes.

We're doing things. We're doing things. We're having fun. We hope you have, if you're in spring break time, uh, hope you have a good one. Stay safe. Uh, send, you know what? Put out a video to your ex, how much you miss her and love her. How you wish she were back in your life and take care of your mental and emotional health while you're at it. All right. Thanks for watching. All right. Love you. See you later, Jeans. Love you, Bye-bye. Big cock. Big cock. Rapist hot dick, baby. Big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big

Come fuck me, motherfucker. Ride my ass like a horse. Yeah. You wanna fuck me? I wanna fuck you. We're gonna fuck you up. Ride my ass like a horse. Yeah. You motherfuckers nasty. Let's fuck. Oh, you like this, huh? Yeah. You like to fuck on my face, man? Cocksucker cowboy motherfucker. Like that with my fucking whole boy? Motherfucker's hot, man. Yeah. Go T-Go, man. Use his fucking

Yeah.

I'm going to tear those tits off, man. Yeah, burning my tits. What about your tits? Smoking, stroking, man. I'm going to burn my tits, man. I'm a real man. I can take it. That's good. Whatever brings you joy, you know? Shut the fuck up, man. I come to fuck that fucking hole, man. I want you to piss on me. I want you to piss. I want you to puke on me. You want to sit on me? You want to sit on my chest and jerk me with your shit?

What? Motherfucker. Licking your nuts. Licking your sacks. You want to milk my dick? How big's your dick? I'm going to cum. Yeah. Go team go. Okay, bye. I'm going to cum. I'm going to cum. I'm going to cum now. I'm going to cum. I'm going to cum. I'm going to cum.