Filling All The Holes w/ Sam Tallent | Your Mom's House Ep. 742 01:21:31

You're a big dick and you're short, but you're- or be super tall, or have a small one. In there. Yeah. I want a different- I want a different ride, yeah. Wouldn't you pay a lot of money to see Charlize Theron have diarrhea? I mean, when you put it like that, yeah. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. Welcome.

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Welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House. We are here. I have diarrhea. I can't believe this. What happened? Dude, I really, really have explosive anus. But bro, walk me through it because you were doing fine up until... Yeah, I don't want to say what it was, but there was a truck here in the parking lot. Yeah.

And I insisted on trying it. Tried it out. Tried it out. Didn't go such a piss on me and it beat me. Did you have everything, everyone, the same people? Did everyone have the same thing? I don't know. I don't know what everybody had. I think so, yeah. Did you guys all get assholes? Explosives? I'm still okay as of right now, but we will see. I'll keep you updated. Yeah, please do.

Please do. And if we need to take a commercial break, you go ahead and let us know. I want everybody to know. That sucks, dude. And does this food item not always give it to you anyway? Really? So this is unique. This is a bacterial experience you're having. Yeah, it's not cool at all. That sucks, bro. I'm sorry. It's okay. Such is life. And I didn't have that. I had Asian food. So far, so good. You feel fine? Yeah. Yeah, dude. You know, I have a real high tolerance for Flavs.

For spice. Yeah. I've built it over the years. Oof, yeah. I used to get diarrhea when I ate sundubu right away in my 20s, and then now I've trained myself. To be ready for it. Yeah. Not a lot gives me rhea these days.

But now I've drank my Metamucil just to take a shit. It's very upsetting. Do you have Metamucil here? I got it, yeah. I made them. Did they bring it up? Yeah. Did they bring it? You should take some actually. Can we pause? We should. We should just have it brought in. Can somebody make some? Do you know how to do it? You take two teaspoons, put it at the bottom of the cup, and then put cold water and stir it really well. Someone can do that for Tommy. Yeah, if someone could do that, I would like to share the experience with the audience. It kind of tastes good. It just tastes orange. Yeah. It's not bad.

So much diarrhea. Oh. Yeah. It makes you tired too. It does. It takes your will to live. And it's straight. It started just like sloppy. And then it just turned into straight water. Yeah. Do you want to stop recording? No. You need to go home. No, diarrhea is part of life, you know. You don't quit living just because you have it. Have you ever had diarrhea and then got called to go on stage? Yeah. Yeah.

Isn't it crazy that your body shuts down the diarrhea? It shuts down the diarrhea while you're doing it. It shuts down like a virus while you're doing it. I've had like horrific colds and like sinus infections and you're miserable. But somehow while you're doing it, your body goes, all right, put that aside. You perform. And then when you, not right when you get off stage, but like an hour later, you're like, ugh.

- You're even worse, you're way worse. - You're way worse. - Well, it's the adrenaline I think kicks in and lets you perform. It's kind of like when people die, did you notice like before people die, there's like, they have a really good month and I think it's like your body's last effort of like, hey, go get things done. Go settle your affairs. - Settle your affairs. - And then it tricks the family 'cause then they're like, oh, they're up and running, they're up and going and then that person dies. - I've seen a lot of people die.

And I have noticed something like that very much, I guess. Well, I just know a friend of mine, her mother's in the process of dying. And a month ago, she was like, she had so much energy. I'm like, I think that's fairly common. She's getting ready for it. Yeah, it sucks. It's like diarrhea is what I'm saying. It feels like you're dying, but you're not yet. Absolutely. Do you want to say some dates you have coming up? I do. Okay. Are you ready for your sound effect? Yeah.

British Columbia, Vancouver, Vancouver, February 16th. At the? At the Vogue Theater. I can't believe how big his dick was. And then February 17th, I've added an early show in Meat Rattle, Washington at the Neptune. He jacked off in four strokes. February 18th, Manfriend Disco, the Palace of Fine Arts. Ta-ta there, retard. I added an early show in Jewdork Titties at the Gramercy March 31st. Ha ha.

I like that one the best. And then the Ridgefield Playhouse in Ridgefield's Comenetic Hunt. Stop calling me daddy! Tickets at chrissyaponline.com. You guys have a good rest of your day, bro. Oh, yeah. Daddy Lella going, dude. Good one, man. Good one. Miss that guy. All right. Come see The God on tour. I will be all over the place, but...

Yeah, a bunch of dates. They're all at TomSegura.com slash tour. If you're asking me about cities that you don't see yet, like Phoenix, like Chicago, New York, Philadelphia, Toronto, they are all booked. They're just going to be announced later on in the tour. They're all booked. I got the dates. I'll let them out. Denver, you know. All coming, man. Austin. Yep.

All right. Thank you very much. Thank you for getting tickets, coming to the shows. Appreciate you very much. Let's start the show. You ready? Do you think people would pay to watch you live stream diarrhea? Pay? Maybe a handful, but they would watch if they didn't have to pay.

I would watch you having diarrhea. You wouldn't pay, though, would you? If it was a really public figure I liked a lot, I would pay to watch. How much would you pay? Like to watch John Cusack have diarrhea. I like him. Oh, he has it, too. He has it a good bit. We all do. I would pay $50 to watch Peter Murphy, my singer at Bat House.

I'd pay $100 to watch Peter Murphy. But he's just going to sit there and shit. But I want to see what his face looks like. And he's like, ugh. And is he singing? Is he like, ugh? He's not singing. He's not singing. You can come in. Thank you. Wait, wouldn't you want to see a starlet have diarrhea? Well, we have two cups being dropped off. Thank you both. Thank you. Cheers. Cheers. To your health. To your health. This is perfect. Maybe you saw. And all the seniors that are watching, to your health as well. You ready? You got to drink kind of fast, otherwise it gets coagulated.

And the good's gelatinous. Mm-hmm. Oh, I'm never drinking out of the straw. Yeah, I'm a guy. I'm not a fucking broad. Knock it down. Seriously, wouldn't you pay a lot of money to see Charlize Theron have diarrhea? I mean, when you put it like that, yeah. It's interesting. It's more interesting than some of the movies they're making these days. That's true. A lot of those movies are worse than diarrhea now. Yeah, that's true. That's true.

Sometimes I see this movie and say, this is fucking diarrhea. You know what happened to me the first time? First time in a long time. It's a stream of diarrhea. I was in a hotel and I'm watching, I'm scrolling through the movies. I've never seen this. It was new releases. I didn't recognize one single film. It had actors that I knew, some that I didn't, but I was like, I've never even heard this.

of any of these movies on the order, you know, the pay-per-view. Why is this happening, though? It's just the whole feature landscape has changed. That's really the answer. It's just changed completely. Do people not go out to see movies anymore? They do, they do. But it seems like for the most part they go for massive franchises and that there's breakthrough movies that are smaller. But for the most part, you know, I don't know, it's just changed. And part of the change is that

There's movies made that they know will never see the light of day in a theater. That's still a business. And there's still enough money in that to make it and have it go to pay-per-view and to streamers and all this shit. But I couldn't believe it. I scrolled through. I was like, I don't even recognize one single title. And so then I ordered a porn, which I hadn't done before.

in a long time in a hotel, because you have your computer. That is so special. I feel like watching it old school, that's kind of unique. Guess what? I was going for that. I was like, oh, maybe this will be fun. No cum shots. What? Yeah, I almost called the front desk. Yeah, what's the point? It was full... Penetration? Yeah, everything. And you're like, oh, cool. Let's see the good part. And then the guy would get ready and then they would fade out. I was like...

What am I paying for here? Well, hold on. Maybe it's at the end. They save up all the cum and then at the end it's one giant... I waited. I watched the whole fucking movie. You watched the whole porn? Well, I had to fast forward so I'd scroll through it and I'd be like, okay, no cum shot first scene, no cum shot second scene. And so I...

I got to the end. I ordered another one to see if there was any shots in that one. And? None. And they were both produced in Montreal. It said it in the title card. That's weird. Nobody really spoke in one of them. They just kind of walked in the room and looked at each other and then they would start. But I was like, no shot? Like, that's what we're trying to achieve here. I'm thinking like any here. Yeah. They got you to buy a bunch of movies, though, didn't they?

Because they want you to look for the cum shot. Yeah, I'm still looking. I'm still looking. I got home and I'm looking. Maybe that's the marketing ploy is they don't show it to you until you buy like 10. I disagree. And then on your 10th purchase, you get it. I think I know what it is. I think there's restrictions. In Canada. Not in Canada. Maybe in the city where I'm watching it in.

And they allow for like a certain thing, but I think it's about the release of it. Isn't that funny? Ironically enough, the release of the movie features no release. Right. That's funny what different cultures will censor. Because Canadians come. I know this for sure. Are you sure? But maybe they don't. Are there different laws in... Canada? Canada. About comm shots? Yes. Well, that's not...

In Canada? How about in... That's the best Google sentence ever. How is Canada so damn strict about porn? Oh. What's it say there? What's it giving me? Is it giving me any info? Well, you know how in Asia they blur out dicks? The laws you're talking about are technically still on the books. I don't know what the laws they're talking about, but maybe they do have...

How Canadian customs, which porn is too hardcore? Maybe it is about Montreal. Maybe it is about that. Wait, but then do the French not allow cum shots in their pornography? They invented it. Those are the French Canadians we're talking about. That's what I'm saying. So maybe it's from France. I don't know. They share a culture. I just think about those actors, poor balls, you know? They don't let them finish. They just shoot the scene and they're like, go home now. And he's like, but.

My bag hurts. And they're like, I don't care. Too bad. You can't come. He's like, I've been shooting this scene for the last hour. I don't get to finish. Nope. But what's the point of watching the scene if you don't see the grand finale? I cannot believe. I remember one time having a conversation with the great Josh Potter. And we were talking about how, you know, everybody likes different things and stuff.

And he was like, my favorite type of porn is lesbian porn. That's what he likes the most. And I was like, I cannot think of something I want to see less. And then I was like, no, I want to see a guy with a woman because that's what I like, you know? And his rationale was like, I just want to see more women. I was like, yeah, but don't you want to see the actual like her doing something to the equipment that you have?

He's like, no. And then I go, what about the money shot? He was like, that absolutely disgusts me. Well, but think about why. And he can't come. That's why. Yeah. That's why. He can't come with a woman. He can only come with a man. Yeah. That's what he said. He said, yes. He's not gay. You're not. No, he's not gay, but he can come hard with a man. He said, not with a woman. They know. Ask them. They were there for it. Oh my God. Right. Right.

I think that was how he finally came that one time he told us. I think it was a guy that blew him. Yeah. Wow. He said it was a beautiful man. It's a stunning revelation. Maybe he didn't even know it was a guy because he's blind. Another turn. Probably didn't even know. Another turn. It could have been a...

I don't like lesbo pornography either because it does feel pointless. It's like you're just licking each other to death. They're like stamp collectors. Yeah. He's just licking. Licking, licking, licking. What's the point? Old day. Old day licks. My dad works in B2B marketing. He came by my school for career day and said he was a big ROAS man. Then he told everyone how much he loved calculating his return on ad spend.

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All right, we got to start the show. Ready? Here we go. Yeah, yeah. You know, I'd love to be able to ask a guy if they would break the bro code and just tell me, when you find out my name is Rachel, is the first thing that comes to your mind whore or Jew? God! Jesus! Don't bring anyone mother to this. Neither? No, I'm going to fucking stay!

Uh, whore? Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura and Christina Pagitsin. Nice. Welcome to your mom's house. I don't know, right? Hold on. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. Uh,

Look, I don't know if they're going to see this or not, but I was hoping that somebody here will know somebody there. And I just like to say, Metamucil, every time I have a glass of water with some Metamucil in it, I shit better. It's true. If you're having trouble with your shits, you should give Metamucil a try.

It's true. Hopefully they like that. It'll bulk it up. Play it internally within the company. Try and use some fiber and bulk up your shit and have you some Metamucil and see what happens next. You're going to like the way you shit. I guarantee it. Yeah. I don't think Rachel is a whore name. I think of Rachel from Friends.

I think of biblical Rachel. Oh, I think of whores. Rachel's not a whores name. Total slut's name, yeah. Whore or Jew? That's because you didn't grow up around Jews. I grew up in the San Fernando Valley with tons of Rachels. None of them were Jew whores, sorry. They were Jews, but they weren't whores. I think Tracy's a whore name. Tracy? Tracy's. I know a Tracy that's really nice. Yeah, but I feel like Tracy's are universally you're born a whore. Jesus. Tina, unfortunately, is a whore's name. That's slut city. Yeah.

slut city Christina is a bitch name I feel like Christine Christine Crystal that's I knew a girl named Crystal Pepper I swear to God she was sweet though she was a nice girl she's a whore no she wasn't she was sweet Crystal Pepper yeah that's a great name that's a real trash yeah

Crystal's automatic DQ, automatic whore name. What's a real fucking... Crystal. That's it. Well, your name, you're a ho-bag name, right? Christina? No, because it's named after Christ. Right, but Christine. Christine's a bitch name, not a whore name, right? Yeah, that's true. Tina's a whore's name. Tina is a total fucking whore's name. Or a lesbian tennis player. Or Chris. I hate being called Chris for that same reason. It's a lesbionic. I'm not a Chris. I'm trying to think here.

There was one lesbian scene I liked with Jenna Jameson. She was wearing angel's wings and she and this other broad were like cum angels and they were eating each other's boxes and doing lesbian. That's probably the, I only like it because stylistically it was like. Beautifully shot. And Jenna in her heyday I think was unbeatable. She was great. I absolutely adore her. Love the girl. Her prime of life work was just outstanding. She was great.

I'm trying to think here of other like ho bag names though. Jenna. Lexi. Lexi. Oh, a hundred percent. Look who knew right away. Yeah. Well, well, well. Yeah. Lexi is definitely a ho's name. Yeah. Yeah. Bridget. Bridget's kind of slutty. No. Bridget Jones's diary. She's British. She's still a slut. Bridget? Well, first of all, every woman's a slut. Let's be clear about that. Bridget the midget. That's what I think of. Oh, you think she wasn't a fucking ho? Yeah. She's a porn star. Yeah. Oh, shit.

I don't know. But I don't think Jew when I hear Rachel. Let's get back to the original point. Original point. Yeah. Well, what do you think? Whore or Jew? I mean, truthfully, I think it's kind of a bitchy name. I think it's usually a bitch. Yeah. Like Rachel. Stuck up. I think kind of stuck up. I don't think whore or Jew. I think kind of bitchy. Nope. Yeah. Exactly, dude.

Carla? That's just a pig. Pig name? Carla is just like unfortunate. Daniela? That's kind of hoey a little bit. Yeah. Danny. If she goes by Danny. Danny dances. She's got black blood shoes for sure. Danny dances. Yeah, Danny dances for sure. That's stupid. Joss. Joss. Bob's Joss.

Yeah, people are getting upset right now listening to this. Of course. But my name's Carla. Or they're liking it. They're like, it's true. I'm a whore. I went through my phase. All my friends remember my phase when I used to fuck a lot. I used to drink a lot. Blackout. Six cocks in the mouth. Yeah, everyone goes through their little phase. Do you have a hoe phase? Not really. No hoe phase? Here's what I did do in college. Oh, boy.

I'm always been a serial monogamist. Yeah. Monogamist. So I just had, I liked having boyfriends and like, you know, I'd do one for like a year or two and then the next. Yeah. That's not a hoe phase. No, it was never for me. I tried one time in Hungary, summer of 94 before I went to college with Sean and I went to Budapest. Yeah.

We would just go out at night and like, I like, I, I Frenched a couple of Hungarian guys. Yeah. How was that? And like my second cousin, I Frenched him. Egan. Egan. Oh, your cousin. Jesus. I know. It was weird. It was, now that I think about it, he was like a second cousin though. Like, hold on. Not a first cousin. Fuck. I didn't even know this story. That's true. I never knew him before. And like, he was in Budapest the same time we were. And I was like, I don't know. Was he cute? At least I hope. He kind of looked like you.

Honestly. So he's smoking hot and you see him. I think you're my type. And he was your, he looked like you. Yeah. So you made out with him? I Frenched him. And then I was like, is that weird? Did you grab his hog? No, no, no. I could tell you didn't by the way you hit. No, no. Your honor. No dick touches in Budapest that summer. But I Frenched. I Frenched a couple of bar pigs, like Hungarian guys.

Yeah. Like it was kind of innocent. Yeah, that is kind of innocent. I'm not big into letting guys ejaculate. Yeah, I can't do it. I just can't. I wish I could. I really do. No, you don't. Part of me really wishes I could be more free like that. Not now, obviously. But don't you wish? I mean, you weren't. I don't know what you were. No. You never tell me the truth. No, I actually don't. I don't. I wish I had a second lifetime and I could be a real whore. Why? What's that get you?

I don't know. That's the thing. I don't know. And I'd like to find out. You'd go through that lifetime. And if you had the ability to reference this lifetime, you'd be like, fuck, I wish I wouldn't have done this. I'm such an unworthy piece of shit now. You think you'll make me feel worse about myself? For sure. I mean, I feel pretty bad about myself in my 20s as it was. You'd feel worse about yourself.

They feel unfulfilled. Everybody I know, and you know them too, who has that path, they either come to terms with it. I'm not saying they should be humiliated and ridiculed. I'm just saying that when they get

On the other side of that, because it's inevitably a phase. Right, right, right. It's very rarely met with pride. This is true. I do know whores of both genders. Yeah, me too, both genders. And they're like, it was okay. What they actually seek out is to end up where you are. That's like the end. Yeah. Like, oh, I went through all this turmoil to get to this.

this place where I'm not trying to fill this hole inside literally. Literally. But isn't that, isn't that what it's all about is filling the void. Yeah. It's like everything is that everything, money, fame. Yeah. Everything is about filling the void and trying to, well, this make me happy. Well, this may, well, this make me feel worthy and people who sleep around a lot, uh,

usually have that same story, right? It's not unlike the person who goes, and I ate myself to 500 pounds. And you go, why? I was just, I mean, you know, trying to fill this feeling. And then they come to terms with it. And then they go, you know, they tell you the same story as the person who goes, I slept with 100 people. It was meaningless and disconnected. And then I was trying, and then I met someone who fulfilled me where I was

I changed inside and then now they look back at that as like oh that was kind of a dark period you very rarely like the fantasy of it is different than the reality of it I know yeah so I think you probably wouldn't enjoy it but then again what you could do is just go to like a gang bang like a one off kind of sex party you line up like 20-30 guys and it's just like rock and roll roll the dice see what happens

You know, you get them tested ahead of time. That's key. Everybody plugs and plays. That's the thing, because I'm so phobic of STIs. Yeah. I don't want to get, like, herpes. I mean, not that you don't die from them. You don't die, but, like, you get them tested. I don't want dental warts. And by the way, you go airtight, you know? And then you go through what would have been a phase in a couple hours. Do you think a lot of people really do that? A lot of people? Like, are there... How many people... It's a relative...

What's a lot? I'm saying like, how many people do you think we know that have gone airtight? That we know? Like that you know and like now they're moms. The guy or the girl? Okay, let's do both. So like I'm just saying like, how many women do you think you're friends with or know that have gone airtight and now they're like me? And they're like, well, I have two kids and I don't know what ramble is. Not many. I think airtight's real specific, right? Because the thing is,

Every hole you add, the percentage goes down. So like, do I, how many women do we know have been with two guys? Probably not many, not many. I don't, I don't like, I mean a few, but not many.

But three guys at once, you're talking about the really elite, like the one percenters. I know, the one percenters. The one percenters are really elite. So that's what I'm saying. I think a number, like girls you might not suspect have like, yeah, I actually did have two guys in this thing, you know, college or 20, whatever, some crazy night.

Three guys at once. You're talking about fucking. Elite class. NFL and NBA level talent. Like really, really elite talent. The NBA of cocks. Yeah. I don't know. Because I know a lot of girls that have had threesomes for their boyfriends. Like two women and one guy. Two girls at once is more common. That's pretty common. More common. But two guys, one girl. I feel like I haven't heard as many of those stories in my lifetime. Yeah. And three guys, one girl.

I'm telling you. And if you're out there right now and you want to send us an email, it's yourmomspodcast at gmail.com. Subject line is airtight.com.

and let us know if you were a man with two other guys or you were a woman with three guys filling you up. Please let us know what the story was. Thanks so much. There's no house in the email. It's your mom's podcast at gmail.com. Subject line, airtight. I feel like in the booth, there's somebody that knows somebody that's gone airtight. Really? I just, I'm curious. Does anybody in the booth know? Here's the thing too. I only think airtight applies in a non-professional. I don't think it's like a scene thing.

I don't like if you were paid to perform. No, I'm talking about in organic and life. It's a dorm room. It's different. It's different. We're all drunk. Three guys at once. I mean, you're a fucking Olympian. I know, but you are an Olympian. You are.

very rare. I know. Very rare. Very special. Very special. Special, some might say. Some might say even on the endangered species list. Josh has one. He was in a fraternity and I feel like those guys get in there. Really? No, I don't. You heard about threesomes, right? Yeah. Yep. Threesomes are common. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I've never known a girl. I mean, at least not that talked about it. Exactly. She's going to be shamed by it. By most people. That's why the email is so safe. Here's a...

And here's the real problem with going airtight as a girl is that you need to find not one, not two, but three lads that can keep their fucking mouth shut. They're not going to ever at 20 years old, 19, 20, 21. Nobody's keeping their fucking, the whole campus will know that you've gone airtight. A dude will keep his mouth shut if he's feels like, Oh, like it'll get me more. Right. Right. So you tell this guy, whatever. I don't want people to know that, you know, you pissed in my eyes or whatever gets you going. He'll be like, all right.

Two, it's really hard to find that it's going to be kept as a secret. Three, you can forget it. No. There's no fucking... They're going to talk. I remember the basketball team ran a train on this chick in college, right? So this was like six, seven... It's not the same though. They were just like dogging her out. Six or seven guys. Yeah. Everybody... So they stand in line and like one guy comes in her and then the next guy comes in her. I mean, I don't get like the full...

I don't know the exact details of everything that went down, but everybody kind of found out about her and the guys. And, you know, I don't think it was like a nice setting.

I mean, too, these are big fuckers, you know? 6'6", 6'7", big guys. Where did it happen? In one of the dorms in college. Yeah. See, that's the thing. It's a small community when you're in college. Word gets around. Everybody knows. Like I told you about butt sex Becky in high school. Like the one girl that had butt sex in high school. Everybody knows about her. We had one like that, too. Yeah. Everybody knows when you're young. And everybody shamed both of them. Of course. She would cry. He was like, you know, and then...

Later on, everybody was like, oh, he's actually pretty cool. Like he's actually a cool guy. This is a cool guy club. It's a cool move. Cool move. You're going for an angle as a sophomore. What the fuck, man? Yeah. Yeah. You mature and you're like, that guy's a hero. Actually, he's a cool guy. Um, let me take a quick break and we'll be right back. Right back.

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And we're back. You may have read our guest's novel, Running the Light. You can see his new special out now on Shane Gillis' YouTube channel. It's Sam Talent, everybody. Hey. Hi, Sam Talent. What a joy it is to be here. What a nice round of applause. Yeah, thank you. Congrats on the special. Thank you. Where'd you shoot it? People are loving it. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Where'd you shoot it? I shot it at Go Bananas in Cincy. Oh, jeez.

Oh, we love that one. Did you do any coke that week? No, I did not because Marty has kids now. So, no more blow for the Mart man. I kept trying to guess what kind of Asian guy he was on stage and I did not hit it. He's Taiwanese. Oh, he is? Who's going to go with Taiwanese? I would not have guessed that either. No, I hit Laotian. I hit Cambodian. No, it's Taiwanese. Did he tell you it was not one of the big three? Like, did he give you a hint? No, you know, they love riddles. Yeah, they do. Yeah. Yeah. They do. Yeah.

Yeah, there's always some fun times at Go Bananas. So that's great at Go Bananas. Yeah, dude, I love Cincinnati. It's a real mutant cage. That place should have burnt down. Probably, yeah. I think they're laundering money for some kind of organized crime organization. Yeah, I think that's not off. Like on paper, all the tickets are $1,200. Yeah, I think you're right. Even though they're giving them away.

Yeah, and I think they own like everything there. Oh, yeah, that whole area. Yeah. They? Yeah. The Go Bananas? The Taiwanese. The Taiwanese. Yeah. The Chinese are going to destroy us. Hopefully. They're so smart. God, I want to be dominated by a better person. Oh, Johnny Summers was in here. She's dominating. I mean, the way she's talking about her childhood and just how they're raised, their work ethic, the absolute fucking...

crazy quality of that work ethic you're like that's america's got we got soft homie we rested on our laurels and the chinese are taking over there's not enough bamboo in this country that's why that helps keep the kids in line over there i like the thing that she said that i've heard from other asians too with especially with like you know off the boat parents was that like

Her mom was like, look, you're not pretty. You're not smart. You smell bad. You're fat. You're not special. People aren't going to like you. And then she was like, fuck, well, I got to come up with something. She believed it and was like, well, I guess I'll develop my skills in this way and ended up coming up with business.

businesses like she would she ended up with like a cheat sheet business for like school so you could text her and pay her and then she would send you the answers to different tests wow I was like that's brilliant he's industrious yes very much so and then she was like you know so I like found some self-worth in that people were like well we want like we like you you're cool and she was like even though I'm not attractive and I'm stupid yeah or whatever like I'm not leaving that yeah but like you're you're savvy you know so then that helped her out and then

She said she came here and then she was eventually was like, oh, I should sit up straight and put on makeup and all this stuff. And then she's like, and then I became pretty. Meanwhile, my mom was like, you're perfect. Look at you. You know what? Your pants don't fit. Bigger pants. Don't worry. That's the American way. Yeah, that is the American way. And I'm hunching over to hide my breasts right now. She should have really put a little bit of self-hating me. I look back on like all the positive talk. I've been like, yeah, I think a little bit of.

you really should exercise more. It would have been good. Yeah. Or like, yeah, you don't have to eat so it hurts. I had a fridge in my room, dude. Oh, yeah. I had a mini fridge in my room growing up. Yeah. And a clapper. So I would just lay around like a slothful glutton just playing video games and eating Pop-Tarts out of the fridge right next to my bed. Yeah. I could dig around in there and then self-soothe.

That's very self-centered. Yeah. I think ignoring your kids, that's what worked for me. Like they didn't even, I mean, sometimes they'd tell me I wasn't shit, but most of the time, just like negligence. Sure. Yeah. So then you're like, well, am I good or am I bad? I don't even know. Chain them up in the yard. Let them run laps. That ambiguousness of like, do they love me or not? I think that helped me tremendously. Cause now I'm looking for love. I'm like, what do I do comedy? If I'm funny, people will love me. Yeah. Yeah. Try to fill up that reservoir. Yeah. You gotta find something. Fill in the void. You look for something.

Yeah, we fill it with Metamucil now. Have you tried it? I was so jealous. I got here just in time for the dual Metamucil challenge. And it's bulking season. Yeah. You got to tend to your logs. Do you ever have any? Oh, of course. Okay, I don't know. Yeah.

I mean, it's new to me. It's new to me. This is a new development? It's totally new to me. Oh, yeah. You got to get it in. Yeah. It's like, and it's... Duralax. During wrestling season, we would be on laxatives and all chewing tobacco so we could spit and just dump constantly. Whoa. Just to cut weight? Yeah. While wearing a trash bag underneath like your letter jacket. What did you wrestle at? 275. But I had to cut from 320 from football down to 275 every year. Jesus. That's 50 pounds. Oh, yeah. In like six weeks.

Yeah, it was very unhealthy. As you can tell, I kept the weight off. When you would start the cut, would it be a matter of, like, would you go, okay, like, from now on, I'm going to, like, would you calorie restrict? I'm saying. Oh, yeah, it was egg whites and clementines and no water. Egg whites and clementines. And no water. No water, yeah. It was very bad. My mom used to buy me, like, ephedrine, too. Oh, yeah. I'd be on speed pills and stuff that killed Anna Nicole. Yeah. Yeah, I remember when Anna Nicole died, my mom was like,

They're giving this stuff away. Whatever that like, you know, that pill she was on. And I was zooted on that stuff throughout high school. Yeah. Damn. Wow. Yeah, it was fun. Six weeks later, you'd lose 50 pounds. I dropped like 50, 45 pounds. May I ask, why the clementines? I don't know. Because my mom did some kind of math on the amount of calories I needed to have. And I think there was like a fear of scurvy as well. Because I wasn't eating like anything else besides clementines and egg whites.

They were good. I can feel a Clementine without even using my hands. I feel like people don't realize with wrestling and also even like the fight game, like in professional fights, like crazy some of this shit gets for cutting weight. Like the high level guys too, sometimes you'll have weigh-in and then when they step in the ring for their fight, they're 25 or 30 pounds heavier. That's like crazy.

A huge advantage to the guy who doesn't have, his walk-around weight is 155, but the other guy cuts for it. And then when he steps in the ring, he's 174. And you're like, oh shit, this is a, he should be in a different weight class. Yeah. And after weigh-ins, we'd have baguettes. And as soon as you got off the scale, you rip the top off the baguette and just plunge your hand inside of it, rip out that doughy core. And that was like, that was better than any kind of intercourse I ever experienced in high school. Just that, oh wow.

Hollowing out a baguette, eating it in front of your peers. What's the...

time between the weigh-in for wrestling and like in high school or whatever and and actually stepping in the ring like what's the is it at the day before is it no it's the day it's the day of right yeah hours before yes you just go in like with a belly full of sourdough bread okay yeah just and then after your match you would just be starving too i guess right like when you're done uh well you would have one day okay where you could just have a bacchanal yeah and you really treat yourself okay surge going around the locker room

Did you like wrestling? No, I hated it. Yeah, I hated wrestling. I didn't need to dominate a boy. Yeah. But my coaches made me do it because they knew how fat I would get if I didn't have to do it. Really? Mm-hmm. Football was my big sport. I was like all state in that, but I had to wrestle. And you'd see wrestling parents, you know, like there was the McVickery brothers. They would win and their dad would just be up there with a big dip in and he would look at him and he would go.

And that was as good as they got. That's what they got from dad. And they're like, that was a big deal. Yeah. See dad nodded us today. Right. Then they went on to family annihilator, whatever, but you know, they didn't lose. Yeah. Yeah. Wrestling is, that's a different dude that loves wrestling. A lot of horseplay.

A lot of cool cocks in the locker room. A lot of what time is it? It seems, it translates a little, it seems similar to jujitsu. Probably. Which our boys are into. And, um, they're the, the people that we go to are so nice, but they're like, Christina, why don't you try? And I'm like, that's disgusting, dude. I don't want like dick and balls and feet in my fucking face. Like it's disgusting. You don't want ringworm. Is that what you get? Oh, for sure. How do you, what is ringworm and how do you get it? Uh,

I don't know. I think it's from the mat, right? Yeah, you get it from the mat and then you get it on your ankles and your buddies would come and pee on your feet. That was the big fun thing. And that kills it? I don't think so. It's just a good reason to pee on someone. Yeah, exactly. Is it really a worm? Here we go. Contact with objects or surfaces that an infected person or animal has recently touched. We'll hit that first drop down.

- Ringworm isn't a worm, it's a skin infection that's caused by mold-like fungi that live on the dead tissue of your skin, hair, and nails. You can get it any of these places and on your scalp. Well, that's cool you can get it in more places than you thought. - Yeah. - Getting it on your head.

And I have the head for it, too. Yeah, you do. You got ringworm head for sure. I have ringworm head. Joel's begging for it. You should probably shower after you do jujitsu. You had to shower with all of these other young men. And you could see who was pubeless. You could see who developed early. That's horrifying. There was a kid named Dan Starkovich who had a real gutter choker. And he would just whack people with it in the shower. Really? And there I was, you know, completely emaciated, no water in me. So I just have like a pig snout. There's nothing. Yeah.

There was no length to what I had. And then they start telling people about it. Yeah. Yeah. It's good. It makes everybody feel better. For sure. Yeah. This is why you do standup. Oh, yeah. Because it was broken. Yeah. It's psychological trauma. Yeah. Those locker rooms are so fucking strange. You know what? People would make fun of me for what I'm going to tell you. But when I tell them how it started, I think it makes more sense. So I moved around.

during my freshman year of high school. Football, my dad, we could have moved earlier, but my dad was like, you can't leave your team during the season. So we moved, the family move was based on my freshman football team's season ending. So the season ends and he's like, now we can move. So we moved from Milwaukee to Florida. And when I get there, their season's over. So whatever, spring ball comes.

And when I'm on the spring football team, like the first practice, after practice, all the guys go into the shower to shower with their boxers on. Oh, wow. And I was like, okay. So like when I told people, they're like, why? Like I've told people like we shower with boxers and they're like, why would you do that? I'm like, because I was a freshman and the upperclassmen are doing this. I was like, you're going to be the freshman that goes like, not me. I was like, you're like...

standing out as making, I go, why are we doing this? And you're now the new nude kid. The new nude kid? Yeah. Yeah, it's not happening, dude. So I never, like, it just was the standard of, like I said, the old, you're 14 and they're 17, 18 doing this. I was like, I guess this is what they do here. But it was like,

But I think it, I guess it avoided kind of the trauma of what you're talking about. Yeah. Nobody was naked. Yeah, but you can still, you can pipe check. Well, I should say this. There's a couple dudes that would, they would let it be known that they don't have to wear boxers. Yeah. And they didn't look like you and me. Let's just say that. No, of course not. Dude. Big and...

Dark. Yeah. Purple. Yeah. Usually flesh you didn't know exist. Thigh slappers. I grew up in rural Colorado. We did not have a very diverse population. Yeah. So that Dan kid I told you about was half Samoan. Right. And now I just think that Samoans have legendary hogs. You might be right. I'll tell you this. These South Florida black dicks are no joke. No, no. These are fucking serious. They're the opposite of a joke. Yeah. These are like, holy fuck.

Fuck. Yeah, they're the war crimes of a dick. And you're like, oh, he's the one who's protesting the boxers. Uh-huh. Okay, I got it. Yeah.

Ours was tits. Like back in junior high, they made us shower after PE. I know. And I was goth, so I didn't really work up a sweat in PE. I was like, I'm not doing it. I don't care. Fail me. I don't want to do this. And I just remember seeing like big old sloppy ploppy tits. Yeah. Tell us more. Yeah, dude. The Mexican girls had the biggest sloppers because like they develop early, you know? I played with some big old Mexican tits before.

But it was fucking gross. Like, I don't want to shower when I'm 13. Yeah. I'm sure that's not. It was horrible. Was it supervised? Yeah, there's like a lady there. Like a lady. What was she wearing? Did she have nice tits? She has clothes. Was she G-A-Y? Mrs. Spangler. No, she was a cheerleading coach. Our gym teacher was like the gayest woman ever. She's dead. She's dead, yeah. AIDS? Lightning. What? Yeah. Really? Seriously.

She died by lightning? She got hit by lightning, yeah. On the football field that I played high school football on. Yeah. Dude. Did she just get crispy? Like, did it burn her? Was she very tall? No. No. It was horrific. Oh, it wasn't the light and easy lightning strike death? It wasn't the cool one. No, it was... She was our athletic trainer. She eventually became the athletic director. She was always around the gym, and she had, like, that...

old school lesbian gym teacher like I mean honestly I really liked her she was tough but like the tough that you like you know she would like to me she'd be like hey Segura

So be your sister, man. The fuck? How come she's not like you? You know, she's got such an attitude. And I'd be like, I don't know. You know, like I would just go, yeah, same thing at home. She's like, Jesus Christ. All right, get over here. Let me fucking tape you up. You know, like she talked to you like a friend kind of, you know? I remember that. Because how old are you? I'm 36. Oh, yeah. So you're way younger than me. But like, do you remember Bruce Smith for the? The defensive end? Yeah, for the Bills. So he had a very specific way that he would get taped.

So his hands were taped. Can you pull up Bruce Smith, Bill's hand tape? Or maybe it'll just be there if you just pull them up. But he was like, you know, all pro, you know,

Very square head. Yeah, well, he had like this, you see that one where he's running? So it's kind of like a lot of football players play with just their wrists taped, right? But he stood out because he had his hands taped, kind of like a boxer would. You know what I mean? Like up through the hands. Yeah.

And I was like, yeah, I want you to take my hands like this. She goes, fuck. No, I'm not taping your hands like that. And I go, why? She goes, you're not Bruce Smith. And that was it. You know, like she was like, she was fun like that. Like Tom, I'm not taping your wrist that way. I'm going to put on my metal hat and go stand outside. I'm going to put on my pith helmet. I'll be out there. I got the, I got the word. I was, I was like, uh, someone's like, Hey, she died. And I was like, no, how'd she die?

And they're like, she was just, it was, this is the weird thing about like that Florida tropical climate. It was a clear day or like it was, it wasn't during a storm.

And she was just walking across the field. On a clear day. It's like God's revenge. Yeah. She did something bad. Well, she's gay. That is God's revenge. Yeah. Remember that, kids. You're not for God if you're gay. Just remember that. That's great. And he'll find you. He'll find you when you're fucking 53. He can smite you. Yep. So anyway, rest in peace, Miss Hinton. Yeah. Yeah. What were we talking about? Dicks. 13-year-old tits. Oh, yeah. Back to Christina. Go ahead. Yeah.

No, I just refused to do it. I didn't want to try it. Do you think it's more... Public school, they made us do it. I didn't like that. It's like more demoralizing, more humiliating for the men and their penises, though.

I mean, I think for, I can't say more or less because what you're going through at 13 is like you get in your period for the first time. Yeah. So then you're like, what if I have my fucking period? And I don't know if you're using a tampon yet at 13 and you're like, I'm going to like bleed in the shower with everybody. They're going to know. Oh yeah. That's worse because blood comes out of your genitals at that age. Right. And you don't really know how to deal with it. It can come out of a boy's genitals too. Get some time alone. Yeah. Yeah. It feels so good at first, but then it hurts.

Girls are mean too. But girls have tits that they compare. You guys with your dicks, but we have our tits and periods. Yeah, I know. Different thing. It is totally different, but I'm just wondering if it, I think it might, I think there's this hope for women that doesn't exist maybe with boys. Because if you're a man and they're like,

Your dick isn't big. They don't go like, yeah, but it'll probably get, they're going to, you're going to grow into your dick. My dick's going to come in. They don't, I mean, but a woman, you could be like, oh yeah, but your tits are coming. You have hope. Some never do though. I mean. Yeah, some never do. Because there is one girl that had really hungry tits when I was in eighth grade. Yeah. And we were like, maybe next year it'll grow in for you. Yeah. I forgot her first name. But also modified tits can be a thing that like in today's world can be well done. Modified dicks. Yeah.

That's not possible. I mean, it's possible, but it's not good. I'm surprised they haven't perfected that. You think all the money in the world will be dedicated to that? Well, you guys have Viagra. Male stuff, it's like they're always looking for it. There's no way to make a guy's dick bigger. I know, because there is. But I've seen some video on it once, and it looks...

Like, it looks like a sloppy donut that was baked poorly. And it's just like, like, it looks fatter, but it's like soft. It's like an undercooked long john. Yeah, it looks, it really doesn't look good. It is a disaster. Like, look, it can be, you know, that is terrible if you have such a small one. There's nothing to be done for it. That's true. At least I can buy tits. Yeah, I got those little guys. Oh, man. Do a post-surgery penis enlargement.

Oh, no. Oh. Oh, Jesus. Well, that one doesn't look so bad. Yeah, but here's the thing. It's not going to be like... They made that one huge. It's not going to be as functional as you want it to be. The whole idea, if you would do this, is that you don't want it just to be bigger. You want it to work well, right? And I think people who do this, they trade that. They go, well, it'll look big. But it won't function, which sucks. Then what's the point? What is the point? Oh.

What is the before and after? Isn't there a before and after? Look at that. Oh, my God. I mean, the before and after looks similar to me. I don't see the difference either. The lengthening. What? That's not real. Okay. That can't be. Non-surgical enlargement?

Oh, he put filler in there. But see, that's the thing is like, that's like putting. That looks good though. But it looks good as a flaccid, it looks like a huge flaccid hog. He had a good penis already. He didn't need to do that. He's being greedy. Yeah. He's very greedy. Yeah. And then does this guy's dick work is the real question. With fillers in it? Yeah. Yeah.

Because it's just under the dermal layer. Like I get fillers in your face. It's just under a layer of skin. Look, I'll do it if this is what you want. If this is what you want. Bring in the caulking gun right now. Fill me up. To find out if you're a suitable candidate for a non-surgical penis enlargement procedure using fillers,

please contact a Bugis Conf... Okay, I want you guys to flag this information. If you have not had any previous penis implants, there's no redos. There's no redos here. One strike. It looks like right now I'm available for this. I can do this. You don't need this. But I mean, I'm not... It's not...

Look, I go to Australia. Yeah. You can write it off. I tell you this, though. I get fillers in my face, and it is not painless. It is painful, and they do numb your face. Think about the results of this.

If they can numb your dick skin before they inject your dick with filler, it hurts. By the way, isn't there a thing when you get filler where they go, I mean, it's not likely, but it is possible that we fuck up in some way and that your face doesn't move again? No, that's Botox. They can paralyze you, but you can also go blind from doing filler and Botox. You do filler? Yep. And if they get the wrong, it's around your eyes. So if you have a bad, that's why you don't,

You don't do Botox and filler in the mall, gals. You go to like a plastic surgeon, somebody that has a really deep knowledge. I have a Botox party like my female friend. I would never. You want to go do a dick filling party? Do a dick filler. Yeah? Yeah, that'd be. Dude, it's on me. I got you. Thank you, dude. You're going to be so gaped. Yeah.

You're going to be destroyed. I'm already destroyed. All that watertight talk earlier. Come on. Dude, dick filling. This is a great idea. Get the boys together. Yeah. Have a little barbecue. Do a before and after photo shoot. We have to do the before and after photos. We need matching outfits. Because those after photos are going to make us feel so good. Oh, yeah. And I think we should share the befores. Let everybody shame and humiliate us. Right. And you go, wait till you see my dick in about an hour. Yeah. And then mine's forked. It looks like a lizard's tongue.

You know, I was talking to Toby Morse. He's a punker guy in a band. And he said that guys are getting, that guys get dick sleeves. Huh? Uh-huh. Like tattoos? Yo, dick sleeves. Like he knows guys. I knew a guy with a dragon on his penis. And he would get it all worked up and then show us at parties.

Yeah, but right above it, where his pubic region was, there was a swastika. So that really ruined the vibe. Oh, Jesus. Yeah. He gave me my toe tattoos. Really? If you could enlarge your penis, but you have to get a dick sleeve first, would you do it? If you could enlarge my penis, but I have to get a dick sleeve first? Like this.

But you can get whatever you want in a penis. That's the trade-off. You have to get dick sleeves, but... I have to get totally covered? Uh-huh, like that. You have to get that exact thing on your dick. I did the bean bag, too. Look at that. Uh-huh. But you can have whatever dick you want that you think is the perfect dick. What if you could get a bigger dick, but you had to get the equivalent size of balls?

Wait, what? So you get a huge dick, but then your balls also grow to the same ratio that your dick was. To the same ratio? Yeah. So you've got a big piece, but now you're lugging around a couple of Big Mac buns. Okay, I'd do it. I think I'd do it. You'd have to get special pants. You'd have to dress like a chic. Yeah, you do kind of. Yeah, just gowns. That's why they do it. But I think I would do it just for... But at this point, here's the thing. In this scenario, I am definitely going to announce that I'm that guy. Yeah, absolutely.

And I'm going to make it part of my identity. I'm going to make it. It's like the person who every post is about weed. You know how they're like, I like weed. And you're like, I get it. And we're aware. Yeah. And then they're like, I'm smoking weed right now. And look at my weed. And it's just like, that's right. I would be that for like, I have huge dick and balls. You should come talk to me. You should come meet me if you want to see it. It's totally fine. Bring a food scale. Yeah. Do whatever you want. I'll do photo shoots with you, birthday parties, whatever you want.

You guys get to see them. So yeah, I would do it. Would you do the dick sleeve and pick every dick? Well, yeah, it's part of the trade-off. Okay. Would you rather, I haven't done this in a long time. Sure. Would you rather have a huge cock, like the cock of your dreams, but you're short for a man, whatever that is. Yeah, because both experiences would be brand new for me. That's right. You're tall. I'm huge. Like you're as small as Napoleon. Yeah, I'm 7'4". 7'4". I'm huge, yeah. Or...

Would you be... So this was scenario. You're a big dick and you're short, but you're... Or be super tall, like tall, or have a small one. Been there. Yeah.

I want a different ride. If you're 4'10 and you have like a parking cone, you're going to be famous. They're going to put you in movies. And everyone's going to talk about you. Even if you go, I don't want this to get out. Guess what? It's getting out. Everyone's going to be, your friends, your guy friends are going to be like, fucking little Sammy's dick is crazy. It is nuts. Do you think Prince had a huge piece on him? He must have had a unit. They're too mysterious.

He wore too much velvet to have a very needy piece. But he was little, but he was like this machismo. You know, like he was so macho and self-assured. Well, his talent was out of control, like out of this world. And I think that lent itself to the way he could carry it. Because everyone knew he could play all those instruments. He was a musical genius. That's where all that swag comes from, but it's not from his dick. But he had a dexterous dick, like a thumb joint type situation.

Yeah, you looked like you could bend and stuff. What would you do? Would you be tall but with a smaller dick? No. Short with a huge heart? I'd do the short big dick ride. Yeah. I think that'd be fun. How short are we talking? Yeah, how short? I don't know. I don't know what's short. I don't want to throw out numbers because I don't know. How tall was Napoleon Bonaparte? He was like 6'3". How tall was he? Between 5'2". Between 5'2". That's pretty small. Is it? Yeah, but imagine if he was dragging his tip. Yeah.

He's had a scabbed up tip. What's that from? It hits the ground all the time. It's from the tarmac. What? Yeah, dude. I had to get this dick pouch, this thing where I just kind of stuff it in so it doesn't get in the way of me getting through my tasks for the day. What about huge dick, but it has a sandpaper-like texture? Ooh. So it hurts. It hurts.

It hurts your hand when you commit the lonely act. I don't want that. No? No, because I want it to get touched a lot. Right. Well, you could put it in a condom. That's like a fucking loser. Come on, man. You know what I think? Women's dick, because you guys are obsessed with your dick, the size. Our dick thing is our weight. Yeah. We're obsessed with our weight. If I was just skinnier, I'd be better. People would love me more. This guy would like me more. My wife got to 180 during med school.

And I wanted all of that. Wow. Because she would just sit in her room and like study. And then she lost all the weight and she'd look at pictures and be like, oh my God, I was such a pig. And I was like, you mean when your breasts hurt your back? Yeah, I hated that. When you look like a drawing in a prisoner's notebook? What a nightmare that was. Yeah. Why don't you do that again? Do it again. Yeah. But she's happy and healthy now. Yeah. Barmer. I know.

Yeah, I remember one time it was just like she was wearing a shirt that she used to wear and it had rid up where like the bottom of the shirt had gone up under the breasts. Yeah. And I was just staring at here, just mouth agape. And she's like, are you having a stroke? She thought I was having some kind of like TIE because I was...

Those tits are what's up right now. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I remember your big old pregnant tits. We all do. Let's talk about them. Yeah. They were enormous. I mean, one of my tits was as big as his head. Not even exaggerating. When I was breastfeeding, I mean, we took a picture. Remember, we took pictures of my tits because it was just... I remember. I like that. I like that face. I remember I'd be like, look at this fucking slut. Big titted animal. Stupid baby inside of her, like...

She's definitely like, there's nothing she can do. She can't help herself right now. She's totally dependent on me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like just, oh man. It was really good for like hostage kind of fantasies, you know? I like that. I'm into that. I wish you would have let me know. I like that. Well, it matters what happened in here. I was like, this bitch isn't getting out, you know? Aw, that's so sweet. It wasn't the breasts at all. It's just that he doesn't want to let me go. Is that because you love me so much? It just kind of, you know, it filled the like, the idea of like keeping somebody captive, you know? Oh, I like that.

I like that. I could do that. It's more about the power and the control. I like that. Yeah. And then also I thought like, I would imagine you going like, can I leave now? You know, like when we were done, I was like, no, shut up. And here's a bowl of food. Yeah. Just put it on the ground. Yeah. There's a drain in the floor. Everything's linoleum. You know what's so sad is this is like a form of love. Like, I feel like you're expressing your love.

What's that? Will you just explain this fantasy? You don't want to fucking talk about this anymore. Yeah, see. And then he goes back to quiet Tom. Wendy Cummings, when she was pregnant, everybody was so... Ron White wanted to bang her. Everybody wanted to bang her because she just looked so... Oh, because it was a miracle. Fertile. Yeah. No, she looked great. Wendy Cummings looked great pregnant. She was just...

Right? You guys all wanted to bang her. She was 65 with a baby in her. Everyone was like, whoa. The glow is real, though. The glow is real. No, it was real. She looked amazing. I saw her. Yeah, it was good.

Yeah. She looked like a vibrant. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. You know who else is vibrant? If you've had any kind of erectile disorder problems, I'm here to tell you, forget about Viagra, forget about Salix, forget about dicks and plants and all that stuff. So I don't know if you believe me or not, but if you'd like to see me smoke some meth with a small limp dick, it doesn't get harder the other way. And watch it get harder and harder. The more I smoke, the harder my dick gets. It's unbelievable.

Your dickhead becomes so sensitive that you don't need lube, you don't need spit. You just stroke that dickhead this up and down four times. Just barely do it and you'll shoot an enormous amount of very thick, thick, hot white cum. My brother didn't believe me.

But when he smoked with me, he put out his dick. I couldn't believe how big his dick was. He jacked off in four strokes and shot the most cum he'd ever shot in his life. He's only 49 and he's fine. He has no neuropathy problems at all.

But his dick is even harder and thicker and even more cummy. Believe me now. That's cool, right? No neuropathy problems. No, yeah, like myself. Yeah. My brother's a healthier guy. You know what gives you a boner is spider bites. Yeah. Yeah, like a black widow or a hobo spider. Really? Yeah, priapism is one of the side effects.

No shit. Yes, you're just like dying slowly, but you've never been harder. Wow. Yeah. You can flip a manhole cover, your dick's so tough. Meth. We got to do meth and a spider bite and see like what kind of... The Tallahassee double dip. There you go. That results that nice. Did you ever masturbate with your brother? No. Definitely not. The first time I ever masturbated was a rumble pack on a PS2 controller. Yeah. And it was just in my lap and I was driving and I was playing Twisted Metal.

And then, like, the car crashed into the wall. And I was like, whoa. So then I just kept restarting the game and driving into the wall until I ejaculated in my friend's basement. That's awesome. Yeah. That's such a unique... It was cool. But the whole no-cum-shot porn thing, I didn't... Because I was a young man. We only had, like, basic cable. So you'd watch Red Shoe Diaries. Yeah. And you'd be like, well, this was cool. I don't know what to do. Why am I dicks hard? Yeah. What am I going to do? And then when it happened organically, I was so afraid. Yeah. I thought something terrible happened. Yeah, this was like...

It's so disappointing. Yeah. Because also like this was definitely a step up from Showtime, Skinamax movies. This was a hardcore X-rated thing. And then they were just like, no, no shot. I was like, what the fuck is going on? What am I paying for? Yeah. That's when you call Hilton Honors. Yeah. Hey guys, do you want me to keep staying at these hotels? I've got a lot of points. Yeah. You need to send me some cum shops right now. Immediately. Get on the jet.

Get over it. Air drop it to me. I want to see something. Do you like lesbian porn? Not in the least. Thank you. No. Another. But there's about four women now who get into my rotation because I really don't treat myself very often. I like to keep my seed for my wife. Sure. Because God forbid she wants to go and you can't. Yeah. That's a nightmare. So I don't really do that. But yeah, there's four people who really can get me right where I need to go.

I feel so terrible talking about this. Can I ask you a sidebar question? What race do you think he is? That guy? Yeah. Guatemalan. Really? Duh. He has Guatemalan eyebrows. You think so? Oh, yeah. Do you think there's anything else there? Maybe some like ancient lizard people. Mm-hmm. Like kind of like Anastasi blood maybe? Could be. Yeah. Why, do you know? No, I just like to get people's take on it. Yeah, he's some kind of South American type. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

There's a lot of meth in his body. Oh, for sure. They think he's black. I don't think he's black. Whatever he is, he's excited about being alive. He is very excited about being alive. He's cracked the code. Yeah. He's a good guy. One of my dear, dear friends. Yeah. Can we do my cool tourism videos? Oh, sure. Yeah. I want to introduce you to a new lane of TikTok videos I found. It's like dumb Americans going to awful places and doing stupid things. Okay. And they make travel diaries about them. Like...

On our trip to Kyrgyzstan, we found an actual lovely boutique where they sold children's feet hobbled and, you know, like it's just terrible. The food wasn't very good in Afghanistan. Like, yeah, no shit. Yeah. It's like dumb tourists. Dumb tourists who are like, you know, here it's a, they're saying to stay off the streets and to stay off this highway, but we're going to give it a shot and see where we end up. We're going to try and hitchhike back to our hotel. Why are you doing this? This guy followed us for 30 miles. Oh,

Only the locals saved us. Anyway, there's this really cool spot in town where you can find hats. And you're like, what the fuck is wrong with you? I just spent the night in Abuja's cheapest hotel. And this is how it went. So this is what $4 gets you in Abuja, Nigeria. This is the cheapest accommodation you can find here in the capital. Cheapest on booking. Cheapest I could find online. And this is what you get. You get a decent sized bed. Sure.

You get a fan, you get this iPad thing on the wall. This is what the walls look like. - Yeah. - That's about right. - It's not the cleanest. - No. - But I guess it does the job. You get what you pay for, not complaining. It's $4, which is very affordable here in Africa. This is the bathroom, it's an en suite. - Oh, you use an indoor toilet. That's nice. - That's just sound.

A really tight bathroom. I couldn't go in there. I don't think this is gonna work. There's no toilet. Why is his urine so yellow? That didn't sound good. Yeah, that was yellow. Let me show you outside quickly. The rooms are named after British cities. So I'm in love. Oh, it's written on a sharpie over the room. Yeah, I mean, it was $4, bro. Like, you are, you know, you're not showing me something I didn't expect.

And yeah, this is what you get for $4. I think it would be a chandelier. Nothing special, but you get what you pay for, guys. Yeah.

He's going to wake up in a fucking tub of ice with his kidneys gone. Oh, yeah. This is so bad. They took his passport to check it. It's in a safe somewhere. It's just like a strange thing to be like, you want to see some super dangerous shit I did? Yeah. I managed to leave with my phone. Here it is. Here's parts of the world that you're not welcome in. And I went there. Like, I don't know.

Come with me to the dentist in Georgia, the country, not the state. I've been having a lot of pain in my jaw and came to the dentist on my second day in the country. Everything here is very clean and professional. The dentist speaks English very well and even does dental work for foreign diplomats living in TGC. They sent me to get an x-ray and told me I had to take out all my earrings and I said I couldn't do that. So they decided to do the x-ray anyway.

The dentist recommended I get a night guard to wear because she thinks I'm clenching my jaw while I sleep. I paid $67 for the checkup, an x-ray, and a custom night guard. Follow to see more of Europe's most underrated country.

I mean, it's a phenomenal price. I have to give her that. That is a tremendous price to get the checkup, the x-ray and the mouth guard for $67. She's afraid of being victimized on the street. She can't sleep without just going into night. I mean, also like, but look at this suffering like this in the States. And you're like, I'll just wait till I get to the Republic of Georgia to handle this.

But I mean, look how old everything... Everything looks like it's from the 60s, from the Soviet era. It's terrible. But also, it looks old, but it's not as bad as it could be, right? Like, they still have...

some modern equipment. They had stuff that you would see in a, in a, in a modern day dentist, like, you know, the TV for the, I don't know. It's, I don't think it was, it looks like they're in a swimming pool, like where they used to bathe horses. Yeah. Of course. It's like, it's deep there. Yeah.

And you can walk above and like that horse is getting very clean. He's going to be ready for the king. In the summer of 94 when I French kissed my second cousin, that same summer, I ate Mentos. There was an apple flavor I found in Europe. And I ate them every day and I gave myself a cavity. And around week two of my four week trip in Budapest, I felt the cavity and I was like, no way am I going to Hungarian dentist. Fuck this shit. I'll just wait till I get back to state. And you're Hungarian to be clear. Yeah, I'm not fucking...

No way, bro. Anyway, I waited until I got back home. It had to be root canaled, but I was still like worth it. Would never even get a cavity filled. Really?

Would you do it now? Yeah, now I would. It's pretty westernized. They've gotten better. I was just there. It was great. Really? Yeah, I did St. Louis over there like a month ago. Oh, shit. I got to go do it there. Yeah, I did it a few months ago. It was great. But this is Georgia, bro. It's different. No, thanks. No whiskey shit. I don't know. I wouldn't do like, I've been thinking about getting this procedure done. I'll wait till I go to the Republic of Georgia. I think I would do that. But I mean, if I had an emergency, I'd be like, I don't have any idea.

What are you going to do? $67. $67. That's crazy. A lot of people could have all their new teeth. Yeah. I could have mine removed. Yeah. Which you should. You can do that. I know. I couldn't eat anymore. I'd be skinny. It's just soup forever. Soup's good. Thick water. Yeah. Broth. No. Yeah. You can still slurp. You can slurp all you want. Here's one more.

Nope.

Zach's bed was covered in sand and we found some baby cockroaches crawling around on the floor. But at least the bathroom is very clean. It was much nicer than I expected. We'll ride this train for eight hours back to Tashkent, the capital of Uzbekistan.

Is this the couple that did the other stuff? They're like, here is where things got crazy. I don't think so, yeah. And this gypsy lady threw a fucking bag of rocks at us. And you're like, okay. We thought it was a baby. Yeah. This is like, this is their whole lane. This is their whole lane. And bro, this is third class. Like, did you even know there was a third class on trains? No, but they have sleeping beds. Yeah, true. If you ride a train here first class, you don't get a bed. Definitely not. This is so much better. That looked like Tim Dillon's tour bus. Yeah.

My bed was covered in sand. Cockroaches. And she's a girl there. I was like, dude, I wouldn't. And she's like a cute young thing on a train like that. I would not close my eyes, homie. No way. No how. I look like an ice detainment center. Yeah. Yeah.

Let's do this one here. I want to try this. When it comes to fasting, don't tell yourself you're eating nothing. You are eating. You're eating the Krispy Kreme donut you had when you were eight years old. That's been on your fat fucking face your whole life. So let's get rid of that. You're still eating, so don't act like you're hungry. Don't cry like a bitch. Like, just do it. There you go, Tom.

I remember when I was fasting, I would start weeping. Be two hours in. Just be inconsolable. Have you done a fast? Oh, yeah. I did it all during COVID. I did the one meal a day thing. Oh, you did? Yeah. I'm thinking about doing a three-day fast. You're going to have water or no? Yeah, water. Okay. All right. Water fast? Water fast, yeah. Go for it. You do that, and then you get your dick enlarged.

Dude. Because you're going to see every vein in that thing. Will you come with me if I do it? I would gladly. It'd be a dream to go to a dick enlarging. Yeah, filler, like see me get filler in it. Yeah. I'll wear one of those head-mounted cameras and just be right here over your crotch the whole time. Yeah. That'd be great. That's so cool. I want to see where I can get, you know. Yeah. I mean, you have kids. Yeah. You know? I just want to see. My main question for them is, like, what's function like? If function stays the same, I'd be like, what's the harm here? Maybe you're just hard forever. Yeah.

What about that? Huge dick hard forever. Wait, with Dick Filler?

Filler is literally just a layer of gelatin. It's literally like a whatever, a gelatin thing, and they rest it just under a layer of muscle above the bone. So it just cosmetically lays, and your body absorbs it. I want to know how long this lasts, because if I get used to this new thick dick life, once a year, we got it. I don't know. Maybe your dick absorbs it faster than your face, but my face filler is a year. You're going to be squeezing it all the time. You're like, oh, man, it's so thick. We pulping it.

This is exciting. I think you're really into it. Do you have to go to Australia for it? I'm going to go to Australia, but they have to offer this here. Can you do dick fillers? It has to be Los Angeles. Somebody in LA does it. Go to the best. Penis filler enlargement, Austin, Texas. Maybe my plastic surgeon can. We want to call mine and ask her right now. Yeah, sure. Yeah, I do. Number one cosmetic penis doctor. Upsize matters.

Oh, I want a girth implant. Dude, let's look at the before-after pictures. Oh, wow. What can we do for you? Upsize. What is upsize? Before and after. Oh, there you go. Oh, hell yeah, dude. Come on. Are you ready, Tom? Come on. How many fucking... All right. Flaccid. I feel like I was already huge. Oh, yeah, but look at this. Oh, wow. Whoa. After 12 milliliters. 12 mils. Okay. Whoa. Correct before 24. Whoa.

Oh, Lord, look how shiny it is. I don't notice the difference. And also, they put a woman's hand on that for us. Yeah, that's a little... Or a man with cool fingernails. Yeah, that's true. That's what I want to see. Interesting. Okay, that's significantly... It's like looking in a mirror. That's good. Is that a tiny guy? Yeah. That's really cool. Let's see it hard. That's what I want to see. Oh, no. Oh. Look at all these thumbelinas. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, that's what we're talking about. Nice. There's a lot of uncircumcised junks in Texas. There are a lot of. I'm surprised. Ooh, I got like a real swollen mushroom tip there. Nice. He filled out nicely. Yeah, he's ready for the ball. I feel sick. I can't let go of these dicks. I'm salivating right now. This is awesome. Yeah, you should do this. Yeah, man. Is this here? Yeah. No, I'm California. Yeah, they have a location here.

All right. You want to clear your schedule? I mean, I have a pretty busy schedule for the next few weeks, but. What's more important than you? Sam. You got to treat yourself. Wait, there's girth implants. Upsize versus girth implants. Oh, we got to look at these, Sam. What the hell? I knew this show was going to change my life. Upsize procedure is your best option for non-surgical, minimally invasive penis enlargement. I don't think you should say minimal when you're doing tiny dick surgery. I think that's a good point.

Minimal to no pain. Okay, do we know what we're... You can go back to work the same day. Finally, you can do this on a swing shift. Oh, dude. So perfect for this. This has to be outrageously expensive. I don't know. Upsize versus girth. I don't know. I think poor guys learn how to finger. Oh, filler is safe and smooth. So they're telling you, get the filler. That's what they're saying. They're saying filler is safer. I would do filler if I was going to inject anything. I don't want to do an implant.

No, that's dangerous when they start doing surgery. It's too much power. A filler your body can absorb. It's no biggie. Five grand for this sweet new dick? Come on. I got an hour. Let's get out of here. Dermal fillers. Yeah. One to 9,000. Google what's the pain. Figure out how much it hurts. Fat transfer? They can take fat from my body and put it in my weenies. Oh, yeah.

It's got to hurt. A small needle about the size of an insulin or Botox syringe is injected at the base of the penis and acts as a nerve block throughout the entire area. Oh, that's cool. Oh, so you shouldn't feel pain, but you'll definitely feel that first pinch. Yeah, I can deal with one pinch. I've been pinching the whole time we're over here. Yeah. Yeah. Pinching away. Come on. Okay. Oh, hit that drop down. The P-shot is a simple yet effective way of addressing concerns related to your sexual wellness. Okay.

as well as effects for one to two years. Once they were off, you can easily receive a top-off injection. You should get a subscription service. Yeah. Hell yeah. Just every six months they come in. I like this. Dude, this is amazing. We live in the best time. This is the best time. This is absolutely fantastic. You can get your boobs done. You can get your fucking face done. I could get a boob where my dick is. You could. Yeah. Yeah, dude. This is such a great time to be alive. Yeah. You can get tits on your dick. Damn.

You know, it'd be cool if you could get a pussy implanted right between my wife's boobs. Yeah. I wouldn't need the rest of it. Yeah, you don't. Such a good idea. Thank you. I keep pitching it. Make her mouth a butthole and then you're just all done, you know? Yeah. I've always thought they put our genitals in a weird place. Yeah, the smelliest part of your body.

- Right, well, okay, sure. - Where should it be? - I mean, my vagina-- - In my experience. - I like his idea of putting my vagina in between my breasts because I would guard this, like I can cover my vagina. But if it's in between my legs, someone can just come up and kick me. - A really short man can pop out of this and look great. - Yeah, I sit down. - With his big, huge dick. He's like, "I think I'm small, but I have a big dick." - "I answered the question first." - But every time I sit down, my genitals are vulnerable.

For you guys running, hunting, this is the most inefficient place to put genitals. Animals can just grab it. You kind of go through life going like, it's kind of wild that my genitals have stayed with me. I haven't torn a ball off. I know. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, I think your dick and balls should be right here. Right here. So you can guard them. Or just grow a big beard and cover them up, keep them warm in the winter. Nice. Yes. They're just swinging free. They're swinging free. That's crazy. And there's so much of them just dangling everywhere. Oh, gosh. I mean, I'd like to squeeze a baby out of here instead or down there. Oh, my God. It'd look like alien. Oh, and why is your butthole next to your vagina? It's totally unsanitary. Totally, yes. It's a bad idea. Do you get them mixed up every now and then? Yeah. Sanitation is not a good idea.

Wiping for a woman is a real delicate procedure. It's a whole thing. You got to go front to back. You got to take your fecal matter and what you do is you coat your vagina and it protects it from getting like infections. Just the labial lips though. That's right. You want to get it mushed in there. If you're a young woman and you're watching, you always go back to front and you always smear and protect your vaginal walls with your feces. This is a known thing. But only your own feces. That's right. None of the else's can get you very sick. Yep.

Well, and we're going to have to leave with that. I got to go to the airport. Oh, shit. That's right. Yeah, we got to get to Australia. Yeah. Get our dicks filled. Let's go. Sam Talent's new special is out now on Shane Gillis' YouTube page. Congratulations on that. Thank you, guys. Thank you for having me. Congrats, mommy. Thank you for coming. Thanks for coming. I was glad to be here. Yeah, we'll see you guys soon. We'll see you next time. Bye, mommy.

She made me do copious amounts of cocaine with her to the point I thought my heart was going to stop. She told me to calm down, gave me a drink, and I don't know what was in the drink, but I blacked out. And when I woke up, she had both my legs over her shoulders, so nobody's paid me to confess this now. And I've kept it under wraps for all these years because I knew that no one would believe me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me.

Hillary Clinton.

Make my asshole. Hillary Clinton. Make my asshole.

Can Hillary do this to you? Yeah, of course. You wouldn't mind? Why would I mind? She's a little bossy. That's fine. Yeah? Yeah, I'm sure it wouldn't be that fun, but I mean, I would still do it. Again, I would just do it for the story. I think Hills would be fine with it for you and her. Do you have any idea what kind of story that is? I can't believe it happened. I know. I don't know.

Hillary Clinton ate my asshole Hillary Clinton

Hate my asshole. Hillary Clinton. Hate my asshole. Hillary Clinton. Hate my asshole.