Tom Segura's Mom: Traumatized | Your Mom's House Ep. 728 01:45:04

This week on Your Mom's House. So he gets all the hookers and then he goes... What a nice guy. So far, this is the most inspirational show I have watched. That's you. And why didn't you correct me in that moment? Correct you? Correct you? What were we supposed to do? Tell me, do something with your hair. You look retarded. It's just to remove hair from your body. It's not dirty. He has a trimming his balls. Can we talk about Hawaii now?

Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house.

Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim anymore.

if you shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, smile more. Can I talk like this? No. Are you retarded? That looks terrible. Are you retarded? Who said that? One of the guys must have said it. That sounds like my voice. It did. Who the hell said that? Did you hear that? I did. What? Who was that? Someone can do accents in there. Are you retarded? Don't be retarded. I guess you're retarded. That sounds like my voice. I'm not talking. You weren't talking?

Are you sure? One of them does impressions. I forget. Gosh, it's scary. Okay. All right. I'm very retarded. That's so good. Isn't that crazy? Zolo can do your voice perfectly. Yeah, he does it really well. That's scary. Zolo, do another one. Then why do I come? Do another one. He can do it. Watch, watch. He's going to do your other stuff. He can pretend to be me. Watch. He's going to do it now. Go ahead, Josh. Are you retarded? Did you see him do it? Did you see it? Do it again.

Do you think I'm fucking retarded? That was his other character. He's got so many. Oh, man. Are you going to hold your ears the whole time? Don't hold it. It looks terrible. I don't care. It looks crazy. Can I be me? Can I be me?

Okay. But you feel, you sure? YouTube is trying to fuck our shit. Not that. We've got to do that. Tell me. Josh. Jeez. What? Ah, no. I don't allow that. I mean, he does accents. No, no, that accents. I don't talk like that. I don't think you talk like that. When I say that word, you pay me a lot, so be careful. Yeah. Yeah. Ghostface Killers is a poet from the streets. That's how I like my MCs.

Yeah, that's cool because we're going to do a little hip hop thing later today. So I'm glad we're doing that. How does he do this? Isn't that amazing? He's been working on your accent for years. He's been with us since he was 19, very young. So that's when he started practicing. Okay, I'll do Christina. Oh, I can't do her. It's because your accent is like, it's different, you know. You really need to take a shit. I know you're black and you guys do your own thing, but you still have to shit.

Yeah. What? I don't know. Isn't that amazing? I don't know. He's so talented. Yeah. You still have to shit? Yeah. Oh, any? Yeah, he doesn't shit. Christina's big tits are back on tour. Go see a show, man. Wow, you are doing it. Where are you going to be next?

Guys, October 7th, The Venetian. One night in Las Vegas. And then I go Salt Lake City, Puta. I've added an early Saturday show. So come see me there. And then what else, you guys? Madison, Wisconsin. Giz-Conson. Comedy Club on State at the end of October. That's really cool. That is cool. You're going to be at The Venetian? Yeah. Do you know it? Have you been to Las Vegas? No.

Okay. Yeah. Do you like the Venetian? Have you been to Vegas? Yes. You have. I want to go to the Venetian. Really? Yeah. Are you going to touch your ears the entire time? It's better to touch my ears on some other spot, so leave it alone. Oh, my God. Wow. I don't know. Hey, Charles, can you take that microphone and put it right in front of you? This thing? Yeah. Perfect. There you go.

There you go. There you go. There she goes. First of all... Oh, there she comes. There she comes. Oh, there she... So it's great that you're back. Thank you for coming to visit us in Austin. Thank you. Thank you so much for inviting me. You're hanging out with your grandbabies. Oh, my God. I have to stop to talk about that. Yes. I want to talk about my grandbabies. No, not yours, mine. Yes. But these kids never liked me. They were, ugh, and you're old. And Tommy paid them to say...

to say and FaceTime I love you grandma no I don't give you treats I did not pay them no you gave them treats you tried to take away stuff just say hi to grandma so he will come and say hi and left and then put that face that oh this old woman I'm going to have to change this okay we're going to do the exact detour that I knew we would take go ahead come in but why I don't know

I don't know. You don't have a smaller thing? No, baby. This is as small as it goes. Okay, take those out, Mom. He's going to hook you up. It made me sad. I know. It was a sad... It was an attempt, you know? Why can't I look cool? I'm going to have this fucking thing here. Yeah, those look cool. You look like you're a rapper. They go, go, uh, turn me up in my headphones. Uh. Now you look cool. Uh. Yeah. They look like they're bigger than your head. They are.

Okay. She looks cute. She looks like a koala bear. Doesn't she look like a koala? Absolutely. You look sweet. So you know how the show goes. Every show, there's a little how you're doing like we just did, and then we play our opening clip. Are you ready for the opening clip of the show? Ready. Okay. Here we go.

Well, now at 5, we want to take a moment to recognize a very special News 6 viewer. We're excited about this. She has been an avid viewer, we're told, for more than 60 years since News 6 hit the air. Today marks a very special day. Yeah, we're talking about this lovely lady, and she is celebrating her 100th birthday today. Okay, first off, I want to say something I've never gotten to say to anybody before. Happy 100th birthday.

birthday that is amazing what's up there oh well I want to see a birth certificate because there's no way you're a hundred years old is that true I mean very returned anyway she's beautiful I can't believe she's a hundred years old that does not make any sense no seriously but what a blessing to have her around for as long as she is she looks fantastic and she's still you know she really does yeah we'll celebrate her 110th as well who is Randy don't bring anyone mother to this

Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura and Christina Pesci. I can't believe this. Welcome to your mom's house. Oh my God, Tommy. You gotta jam out to the opening song, Mom. Move your head. I'm on my head. There you go. I can't believe this.

It was worse to be 100. I can't believe this. I know. Yeah. Well, how do you feel? After this, I feel amazing. Actually, for 100? Yes. And with you guys around here? Unbelievable. Can I tell you something, too? Yes. Your son spent a fortune. Yeah. That's the news team in Orlando. So that aired in Orlando. Are you serious? Yeah. I thought.

I think you really love me. I do, I love you. I annoy you, but you really, really love me. Yeah, but both of those statements are true. That I am a hundred? Well, that you're very annoying, but that I also really, really love you. He has to ruin it. He cannot do it all right. No, you said both things, so I was just going to confirm it. I annoy you, but I don't know why. What do I do to annoy you? Oh, Lord, who do you want to actually start the list? You. Start the list.

We're not going to do... No, because you can't come up with anything. It's your 100th birthday. I think it should be very positive. I really feel like 150 now. You know, by the way, one of the great things, and I would keep this up if I were you, I would start adding a lot of years when people ask you your...

how old you are so how could i look yeah yeah it really works i did it to a friend of mine as a joke yeah i would tell friends of mine that my friend who was like 40 i bet he's like 57 and they were like jesus you're 57 like everybody who met him was just complimenting and it exists you know for anybody so i have done it before you have yes it's good it's like when people learn that you speak chinese and then they hear you speak english they're like wow your english is really good you

You know? Because we've done that a few times. Right, yeah. I really have done that years and years ago. It was in my 40s. Yeah. And my nephew asked me how old I was. And I told him I was 56. He says, you are? Yeah. He says, so you are older than my mother? I can't believe how good you look. Yeah. Yeah? Because the truth, okay, the truth is, how old are you turning? 100. Tell the people. 99. Tell the people. I did. Tell the people the truth. Don't be gross.

This is a nice show. You're honoring me. This is not a nice show. And don't throw your farts or burps in here. No. This is... Okay, I was going to talk about my grandkids. Oh, we're talking about the grandkids. Because that was so... Oh, yeah, it was a good transition. Let's talk about the grandkids. Yeah. No, because it was so unbelievable. But honestly, I didn't think I was going to cry in this trip, but they really broke me into tears. Yeah. So you're...

So you're thinking that we've been training them to be rude to you all this time. And then I think because I annoy you to hell, the kids know it. And I said, gosh, why do I have to? I got to tell you something. Yeah. I thought something was wrong with him when how happy he was to see you. Cause he's never been felt like that. And then what happened was we were in the car and he goes, I wish I could be home right now to hang out with grandma. And I almost pulled over. I go, what the hell are you talking about? And,

And he's like, he goes, I wish I could hang out with Grandma. And I go, I slow down. I go, are you excited that she's here? And he goes, hell yeah.

And I go, why? Because miracles happen. Yeah, and this is a real flip for him. And this is just a natural 180. And he ran to me, hugged me, kissed me. I said, honestly, you can know us for a better birthday. Have you been giving him candy? Yeah, what have you been doing? Nothing. I told him, cut the shit. Tell me the truth, what's going on? And he's just like, I'm really excited to see her. Cut the shit. So weird.

I give him love. It's a word that you are not very familiar, but it works. It works. It's all I do. Now, one of the things, you know, you're also, let me be, refresh everybody's memory. You're very famous here. Why are you doing this? Hold on.

Oh, God. You told me that we have missed out on some top tier farts because you don't think they're going to be big and then they break records. What are you going to start recording? Don't do this. Don't do what? The stupid thing that you are doing right now. Why? What? I don't want to talk about that. Mom, that's what everybody wants to talk about. That's what we want to know. Fartmistress.com. We still have it for you. Do we still have fartmistress.com? Yeah.

When are you going to start giving the people what they want? Do you know how many grandmothers in your age group have websites dedicated to them for this? Can you pull up fartmistress.com? No, I am not interested in the mistress.com farts. But you're leaving money on the table with every fart you just let go to waste. Oh my gosh. You know how much money you can make on your farts now? Can I make money in a different way that is not farting? Not really. I mean, what skills do you have? I can talk.

Okay. We've all heard that. We want to hear the instrument that you play that not everybody knows how. You're a master. There's people that study instruments. You're determined to humiliate me here. Not at all. You're doing great. We're honoring you. He spent a fortune. This cost almost a million dollars to get you on Orlando News. And then you took him on farts. Well, yeah. We almost sent them that clip. And then we were like, oh, they're not going to play it. So what was the point? You know?

- This is so embarrassing. First you honor me and then you talk about when am I going to make money by farting. - Well, you bragged. You bragged when you got to the house. You're like, I've had some-- - Unfortunately, I have a problem with that. - A problem? - I don't brag about it. - A problem or a gift? - Interesting. - A problem. - Okay, 'cause most of us-- - If you call that a gift,

If you need to go to a doctor because of that, that's not called a gift. You go to a doctor because you have a problem. Why do you think you have such powerful farts? Yeah, what's your theory? Because my dad used to say, I can tell you exactly what causes that kind of fart. Oh, my God, that's his voice. Okay, their losartes have their long intestines are actually longer. Okay, all right. And so your mother and her sister, and they have very long gas times.

Actually, the doctor told me that I have extremely large intestine. He knew what he was talking about. I just can't believe how you told me this. In many ways, you could say that's why you're perfect pairings. I mean, you had the fart mistress with the fart interpreter. And you guys were like, that's probably what was the glue to the marriage. It's so true. That's what we love so much.

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But do you think it has to do with your diet? You've had a lot of changes in your diet recently. You informed me. Now, every time you come into town, I make sure to stock the house with treats that she likes. Starburst candies. You eat those before bed. It's crazy. Panettone and white wine. Not long ago also. Staples. Not long ago we talked and I said, how about daily walks? I don't know that.

And then you're like, I'm definitely going to do this. Wait, wait until you see me next time. And then yesterday you go, if I don't start moving, I can't tell you what's going to happen. Only you can do it. All of that is true. What do you think keeps you from actually doing that? I have no idea, but I'm getting worse and worse. I lost the desire. So I sit in my couch, which every time you call, you see me in the same couch. And when I walk, it's to the kitchen.

to get a coffee and come back. So it's very sad. And my diet is getting worse and worse. - It is. What did you have for breakfast today? Let's go through that. - Yeah, let's go there. - I had two coffees and two croissants. No, one and a half. - See, this is where I get it from. My mother loves croissants, I love croissants. - See? - But I'm trying to abstain. - No, you are just a pretty healthy human being. - No. - Who did you get it from? - My mom, my mother. - I wish I can imitate you in one of those things. Tommy, I'm not kidding you.

You can do it. Everything that I'm doing, you can do. And anyone's like, what do you mean? You can't go for daily walks? Why not? I can't. I fall. You fall? If I walk, I fall because I haven't walked for so long. I'm not kidding you. I'll take you for a walk when we get home today. Okay. Will you walk with me? I will walk with you for a little bit. I cannot walk. You don't understand. Okay, how long can we walk for? Two blocks. Two blocks? Yes. You can ask Jane.

She does everything she can to make me do something. And then what do you say? You're like, I'm just, I'm tired. I have to, I'm going to try. I want to try. Well, by the time I get from my room to the front door, I'm tired. Maybe it's because of the carbohydrate and sugar diet. Maybe if you add some protein, do you think that might help with the... What's that?

Just so you know, we are celebrating your 100th birthday this Sunday, and we're going to have food brought into the house. Normal food? Well, nothing but your favorites. And I asked Jane, what does Charo love to eat more than anything? You know what she said? Chicken. Chicken nuggets and french fries. So we're going to have your birthday catered like a toddler. Mm-hmm. Yep.

And by the way, Christina knew this. She goes, I'm having somebody prepare for the house. I go, what are you going to have? She goes, like toddler food, like nuggets. And I go, maybe double check with Jane. And Jane was like, no, you nailed it, 100%. She's right. Actually, if you want to give me a better dinner, you cannot do it. This is a birthday celebration. Do you know when we were in Hawaii, one of your favorite subjects, remember New Year's Eve in Hawaii? Can we show this?

Yeah. Do you remember Hawaii? I remember this. Yes. But remember we went to a lovely buffet for New Year's Eve? Oh, my God. And it was like seafood and Tommy. Oh, my God. You just said it the way my father would say it, which was so wrong. It was disgusting healthy food all over. I'm going to the buffet. I'm like, what is a buffet? Yeah. You mean buffet? But she wouldn't eat anything. And it was like the crab legs. I just couldn't believe it. I said, ugh. And then we went to the kids camp. The kids camp.

Don't forget my birthday. And she ate the toddler food at the buffet. At a three-star Michelin restaurant where she was like, ah. I pass it all to Ryan. To Ryan, yeah. Everything. Yeah. All right.

He ate doubles of everything. That was like a once in a lifetime. A literal once in a lifetime meal. People fly to Chicago to eat this. It was so special. And every course had like a story and like they light it on fire or something. And she was like, and then you're like, are there birds chirping in here? It was a show that I will never forget. The whole time I suffered thinking, how much is he spending? We pull up the show list.

Yeah, so... What is the show? No, no, no. I'm just getting something ready for you. So since you're not motivated to do things, I have a motivational clip for you. Okay. If you get us out of nuts, regardless of your gender, then stand up. You're going to die anyway someday, all of you. Ain't a son of a bitch here going to get off the planet alive.

Okay? I'm not gonna die on my knees. Fuck that. Okay? And I'm not gonna die like all those guys in the orange suits sitting on a beach shot in the back of the head. Fuck that. Jump up, kick somebody in the balls, headbutt the motherfucker, break his nose. Okay? Do something. Okay? But like, really? No. I like this. Yeah. That's why we play it for you. Yeah. Well, that's what he's saying. Do something. Okay. F, no. I'm gonna start doing it. Okay. What are you gonna do? I'm gonna work with you today. Okay. Three blocks.

Well, it was going to be two, now it's going to be three. That's a lot. You don't believe me. When I come back, I'm going to be like... I do not believe you. You're correct. I do not believe you. I am out of breath. Yeah. I have every type of problem. I have osteoporosis. I have... What is it called? Scoliosis. I have some other problems that I don't want to mention. Okay. But God wants me alive. He wants me here for a purpose. It's not exactly to say bad words. But I determine...

to do something as a gratitude for what he has granted me. What will you do? Walk. Walk, okay. I like it. I'm ready. I can't wait. I promise I'm gonna do it. I start today. Okay. We find the coolest guys. Yeah. This is one of the guys we found online. These are, yeah, and we're friends with them and they come over and hang out. This guy was on the show a little while ago. Check this out. Justin, I really like your videos and I hope you continue to do them. I

And me being blind, please, I'd appreciate you doing them to where I can hear. And, you know, I'd like you to turn the recorder on when you go into the bathroom.

Let me hear you undo your belt, pull your pants down, set the toilet seat down. Sit down and do a good stream of pee in the water and good shit. And for me, since I can't see. Don't put that to me. This guy we found is a buddy of mine. So he likes, he's blind.

I can see. And he enjoys just pee and poop and hear the noises. He wants to know the story, like what you ate, why it sounds like that. Because he can't see. So he wants to. But you don't need to. The inspiration is pee and poop. But he gets to enjoy the sounds. So I've sent him recordings of me going to the bathroom. I don't. Well, here's the thing. This is so sick. Well, OK. OK. That's not funny at all.

Don't keep telling me more about these fascinating guys that you find and you like. Hi, I hope you get this video response. The guy that did the shitting and gave the description of his shit, I would love to talk to him and hear

That was tough. Cristina, how are you allowed to do this? Don't do this show with me. I'll tell you why we connected. I'll tell you why we connected. Yeah, but you're doing a show with me and showing me this disgusting scene. It's not part of my show. I'm telling you why we connected.

Why? Because he's shit and you like it. No. He wanted to hear videos of guys taking big shits and stuff. So I sent them to him. And then you're going to meet him on Monday because he also loves aviation. So I've been taking those flying lessons.

He's the pilot? No, he's blind. He can't fly. But he loves being around aviation and shitting. So I sent him videos of me on the toilet, and then I sent him videos of me flying. But he gives him free flying hours. Yeah. So I take him up sometimes. He gave you free flying hours? No, no, no. He owns the plane. He owns one of the hangars there. So he loves being around aircrafts and stuff, but he can't fly. But he likes to be.

he can't pilot he give you a plane to fly he doesn't give me the plane some of the aircraft are housed in a building he owns so that's why he got around aviation you know I'm trying to find a friend on YouTube here that would understand and would be willing to share whenever he's got a dump oh yeah um

I always have enjoyed poop humor, and that was really a great video. Thank you. So I hope you get this. My name is Bob. You can reach me at home. I live alone and always looking for someone to talk to and making new friends. Great guy. He's so sweet. I can't read the information on the screen, so it speaks to me. It's a program called Window Eyes.

And it's really neat. So if you'd kind of talk with me and get to know me a little bit, I think you'd find me as an interesting person, as a blind person. I'm a school teacher. I'm an amateur ham operator. So I'm active in a lot of things. Active in the church. He's in the church. He's in the church, too. He's in the church. He's blind. He needs a friend. Okay, the real way that we actually...

really met was when your fart video went viral so he was he did a video about how much he loved that video he's like i wish she was taking a shit and then i was like hey that's my mom and he goes do you think she would make me videos and i was like probably not can't you imagine so then i was like i'll make a video so i made videos of me going to the bathroom don't air this show uh

This is so disgusting. The video, Anthony Shitton, August 23rd. Hold on. Here's the thing. So this guy, this was a... That was interesting. The audio was really great on that. Listen though, listen. Name is Bob. I wouldn't mind you doing some more videos like that and sending them to my channel. I like that kind of humor. It was fun. It was fun. Look how happy he is. There's too much clutter and noise and stuff like that. He's making a blind guy happy.

I'd be interested to know what you were showing in the picture since I'm a blind person. So anyway... So this show is about this guy. Why am I here? No, no, no, no. I got some more stuff to show you. No, this is disgusting. Why? You know, I feel sad for a blind guy and I admire him for...

keeping his spirit but all he's talking about how much he enjoys somebody poop and how what does he feel well here's the thing i think you're going to change your mind on monday when you meet him he's a he's a really good guy and he talked clean or the whole thing oh no he'll talk to you very nice and then he'll probably ask me like would she please record herself going to the bathroom for me but you know you don't have to do that obviously

If you don't feel like it, unless you like him, he's really sweet. I've done a few peas for him and he loves it. He loves it. Can we go from here? Yes. No, you don't know what I'm going to say. Oh, okay. Can we go to the Apple store and buy me an iPad Pro 15? 15.

For what? But what are you doing on there? It sounds official. Like a referee with a whistle. Can we please do that? Because my iPad stopped working. It stopped working? What do you do on there? Number one, I play Breach online. And now I'm stuck. And I thought it was an emergency. What do you think of this guy? Hey guys, where are you going to get this?

Only here, never in the U.S. I can be doing a show with me about these things. What is wrong with you? Can you please just watch? Why are you inviting me to this? This is not the guy, this diarrhea guy. But this has nothing to do with people or people. Yeah. Promise. Here we go. He's a nice guy. Where are you going to get this? Only here, never in the U.S. Say hola, mi amor. Hola. La Colombia. Do you remember that guy? You haven't seen him since my wedding. That's my dad. That's not your dad.

In a million years, that's not your dad. Okay, guys, I had to take this short video. This is what he's trying to do. She's brazen. Nice, right? What is wrong with you? I mean, why are we doing this? This is to show people what Colombia is like.

This guy's down there. He's just meeting people, like telling people what it's like. Tourism. We're trying to help the economy of Colombia. Yeah. Like that? Well, yeah. Guys go down there and spend money. They like it. It's really funny. Another night in Colombia. Why is this a story with Colombia? My life. You really are helping the economy in Colombia now. See, I love Colombia. I am loving life, guys.

This is Colombia. This one don't understand English. No English? No. Who's the guy? He's one of the coolest guys. He's from New York and he goes down to Medellin often and then he posts stuff like this and tells people about what it's like down there. And then he visits his grandkids every now and then too. So that's kind of nice. You get to see that side of him. So he gets all the hookers and then he goes to visit his grandkids.

What a nice guy. So far, this is the most inspirational show I have watched. This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. I think they mean us. Oh, s***.

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Now, I got a wild one that you're not ready for, but I want you to... Worse than this? Well, it's kind of different. I don't want to watch it, huh? No. No, no. Don't give me this. I don't think it's fair. Here's what I'll tell you. Here's what I'll tell you. No, but don't. I don't think it's fair that you bring me here to show me all these farts and disgusting. Well, what do you want to talk about? Yeah, what do you want to talk about? Let's talk about life. Okay. Well, have you been to Colombia? I went to Colombia when I was in my 20s. What city?

Bogota. And I went for two days and I spent 13 days. And in the meantime, I didn't tell anybody in the house. And my poor mother sent the FBI, were looking for me. Oh my God. Really? All this is true. She never find out the truth. What did she think happened? I told her that I couldn't get a flight. I was working in an airline company. So we went with a friend because we got two free tickets to go to New Year's.

You know, things happen, you meet somebody. Did you meet a guy like this? No, I met a real guy. A French guy that was really hot. Really? I've never heard this before. I've never heard this either. Dude, you could have been half French. Wow. Wait, so what was his name? He spoke perfect Spanish. What? And I had a crush on him the second I saw him. Really? How old was he? Probably like six years older than me, maybe seven.

I don't know. He was like, I love it here in Colombia. There is so much fun here in Colombia. You have $10, then you can. No, do you know this is the funny story? We were sitting in a hotel. This is really funny. Yeah. With his friends, sitting in a hotel outside because a couple of friends were coming to pick us up.

And these are friends that she knew from whatever. As we were sitting, she says, "Turn around, look who's coming." And I turned around because I was not facing the front. And there were two guys with two ladies coming. And one of them was literally a movie star. So I turned back and I said, "Oh my God, have you seen that guy?" And then she says, "They keep coming here. They keep coming here." And then all of a sudden,

They came to us, and the guy says, hello, are you doing something tonight? Nice to meet you. And he introduced himself, and I was like shaking, you know, when you're that young. So anyway, they invite us to dinner with these ladies. And I said to my, we have to go. We went to our room, and she called her friend and told her that I got a horrible stomach ache, so to please don't come because I was going to rest. So...

He called her back and he says, "I'm coming bringing her some medicine." What kind of pain does she has? She says, "No, she wants to be in a dark room with the door closed, so please don't come." We didn't know what to say. That's how rude we were. So we went out with these guys and the ladies. - How old were you at this time? Like how old? - Probably 22. - Oh, you're very young, okay. - So anyway, they end up dumping this girl after dinner. They invite us to dance and love happens.

- Wow. - What? - So he says, "When are you leaving?" I said, "Tomorrow." He said, "Oh no, you cannot leave tomorrow." I said, "I had $50 and a carrión." No carrión, those things that they carry in that time, remember, your makeup and underwear and toothbrush? And he said, "I lend you the money, stay another night." And like that, we stayed another night and another night and another night. - Wow. - And I just ignore my work, my family, my poor mother. - Holy cow. You're just boning a French guy for a week.

He was donning me, I wasn't donning him. - I said boning. - Boning.

No, none of that. A lot of kissing, but not that stupid stuff. Not that stupid stuff. No. This is 1931, 32? I don't know, but that's the time when the people love you. Yeah. And they don't necessarily need to do that, but you hook up. You have a great time. Yeah. I'm sure he enjoyed this part of my body. Oh, my God. Not seeing it. Touching it. Touching your big honkers. Not seeing it. He was touching your honkers. Honkers? Yeah, your honkers, your milk duds.

I don't know, he probably touched him, I can't remember now. - Yeah, but he was probably like, hey, can you put some extra milk in my-- - And made the story funny when we came back. - Lafay? - When we came back. - He's French though, they don't, they put him out. - My friend called her father from the payphone at the airport, and he goes, Papito, and he hang up the phone with her. - Her dad did. - Her dad did. And she said, now what do I do? My father hang up the phone. So I said, let's take a taxi, go to my house.

We didn't have a penny. Right. So we went to the house and I rang the door and we lived with my mother and my family. But my uncle Lucho that we lived with opened the door furious at me. Where have you always been? Yeah. And my mom was behind and she went, oh, thank you God. She kneeled on the floor. She said, God, I'm alive. She thought you were dead. My mom saw something happen to me. So for her, who cares what happened as long as I'm dead and safe. And so I asked for money to pay the taxi. Yeah. And then

Maya hid in the bathroom because her father was coming. And she started laughing like crazy. She says, now what do I do? What do I do? I said, stop laughing. So she hid in the bathroom. I opened the door. And Maya, you could hear her laugh because she was hysterical laughing. And I said, please don't get mad at Maya. I said, can you hear her? She's crying. She's crying hysterically to think that you're upset at her.

please don't put it here he says okay but what happened and i said we couldn't get a flight because we get free tickets and the flights were full he said couldn't you send a message he said we didn't have a way to send a message he said how about to go to the airline company ask them to send a message you guys say 13 days jesus god these french guys must have been really something you only went to first base that's impressive those french guys are very aggressive frog and you you said he was a movie star did she have another frog

She didn't like him, but she stayed for me. For you? Wow, that's a real friend. She's like, I'll take this. She enjoyed the time. So why did you keep in touch with Pierre? He lived in Lima. What? Yes. So there was no chance of anything? Yes. And the minute I arrived in Lima, I didn't like him. What?

What? Yeah, I know what this is. This is vacation vibes. Yeah. You're in a certain environment, you're like, this is great, and then you leave the environment and you're like, ugh. The romance is gone because it's not exotic. Oh my God, I feel like, ugh. Yeah. So I knew where he works because he gave me all the... Sure. I took money from my salary and I went to his office and he went like open arms and I like,

That's very youthful to do that stuff. Isn't that weird? No, I think it's actually very relatable. Because there's things where like when you're on vacation, you go like, oh, it's like it's the environment. And then you leave the environment. And you say, what was that? And also you're young. You're very young. This happens. Now, more importantly. What's your pronoun? Now, didn't you say that you were at the doctor or the hospital? I saved this. I didn't tell Christina because I go, you have to say this on the show. And they were like.

What was your, what's your birth, what's your gender? - Oh my gosh. I went to a doctor's office and they gave me a paper to fill up. Okay, name, and they gave my name. Sex, female. Mister or missus or whatever, missus. What was your date of birth, Ansel? When you were born, what gender were you? And I said, woman. How would you like to be called?

by my name. And sex, I already say it. This is at the doctor's office. Maybe I should have said it, but that's a new thing. That's wild. No, this is ridiculous. It's too much. It's just silly. She looks like a fucking boy.

Okay. Now... Have you ever felt like a man? Have you ever felt like maybe you could be a pronoun changer? Not even close. Really? But I did have a woman who liked me. Who?

- Oh, I don't know them. - You don't know them? - No, because one time we went to a casino with Jang. I think you were there Tommy. Remember? - Yeah. - And I went downstairs to get a coffee or a Coke or something in the bar and there was a woman with her big boobs and trying to make a pass on me. - Wow. - There's a lady in LA who cut your hair that liked you. - Oh my God.

She shaved my hair. Yeah. Because she was so entertaining cutting my hair. Dad was very not happy. That was... You walked up the driveway. I'll never forget. I'm standing in my apartment. I was a man. And he goes, ah, shit. Yeah. And I go... That's exactly how you... I go, what? He goes, your mom looks like a... I know. I did.

She literally, don't you remember? I remember. She sent me there. Yeah, I remember. Don't you dare. Oh, no. Oh, no. I wanted you to go to Alan Martinez. You took me there and you laughed nonstop as she was cutting my hair. I'm looking at you from the mirror and you were just holding the dog. Negative. Negative.

I wanted you to see Alan, my guy who I've been going to for 20 some years. Christina. But you didn't want to, I think, either wait for the appointment because he wasn't available. That is true. You went to the second option because the top option was not available the moment you wanted it. You're like, I want to do it now. Right now. I haven't changed. Yeah, I know you haven't changed. And then we went down the street to a gay, because we lived in a gay neighborhood in Silver Lake. Yeah. And-

this lesbian loved your mom. She did, yeah. She... But we became a couple. I had to have my hair like... No, the best part is she gave your mother her haircut. Yeah. I remember when you walked up. I was like, wow. She keeps cutting and cutting. And I keep looking at Christina from the mirror and she's just laughing. I was laughing so fucking hard. She's laughing the whole time. I was like, and then the best part

It's like, you know, when you get a bad haircut and you're already like, just get me out of here. Let me get home so that I can style it better. Maybe I can salvage. The best part is like, we already know the haircut is doomed. It's already a disaster. And then she's,

She's fashioning it into a faux hawk. What is it? A faux hawk on your mother. And I was dying. Christina in the meantime had the time of her life. It was a show for her. I was laughing so hard. It sounds funny. Because the look on your mother's face, the look on Charo's face when the woman was like styling it into a mohawk, she was like. The mirror, my mirror is facing Christina behind, just having fun. Yeah. Petting a little dog and he be being a screw. That was her show.

And I pay for that. I remember. And we have a big hug goodbye. Yeah, she loved you. Now, you also had a haircut recently because Jane told me. She was like, yeah, she just gave herself a haircut. Then you said you also cut. You got your haircut by somebody who you're like, she doesn't like when the lights are on in her apartment. She's like, I don't like when it's too bright in here.

And you're like, it's all screwed up. But you're like, yeah, the lights aren't on. You didn't light for a haircut? It's literally true. Yeah. I really like her. Yeah. And I won't change her. Yeah. You should change her. But it bothers me that I cannot see. And I asked her, she says, next time you're going to see different. But I can see better without the light. I said, but I don't see what you're doing. Without the light for a haircut.

Isn't this a good haircut? No, you look good. Now, last time you were here, everybody went crazy. And there were memes made about you. You know what those are? Internet memes? Well, look up here on the screen. People made these. I'm a chicken farmer. Oh, they make fun of me. Yeah, because you had different hair last time. You remember? So this is true.

This is Charo. I have to take this thing off. Can you give me things like Jordan? No. No. I can't see without it. No. I look like a doctor or like a grandmother. Yeah. So they said this is you. I'm a chicken family. That's so mean. Charo rec 10 milligrams ain't shit. Take 20 milligrams. This is honoring me today for my 100th birthday. Yeah.

The fart mystery. Yeah, because that was your hair. See, now that you look at you on the last one, that's you last time. And then you go, oh, yeah, that's pretty accurate. How do I look now? You look great. You look great. No, she looked great and she said you look better. You just can't stop looking about Hawaii. I can't stop.

God, how did you get these scenes? People make this, they all made this about you, Charo. Oh my gosh. Can we talk about our trip to Hawaii? I want to talk about Hawaii. Can we talk about Hawaii? I want to talk about Hawaii. I'm not talking about Hawaii anymore. I told me. Is that how my hair was really? Yeah, that's a photo of you. Yes, that's you. And why didn't you correct me in that moment? Correct you? Correct you, this is amazing. What were we supposed to do? Tell me, do something with your hair, you look retarded. That's horrendous.

No wonder why they make fun of me. Yeah? Oh. They call me... What is the bird? Big Bird. Big Bird, yeah. It's okay. They call me Miss Peggy. For reference, this is how hairy my butt is right now. This is a real... No, no, no. Don't go like that. This is a YouTube video. It's on YouTube. But I don't accept this. You cannot put it in my show. I cannot accept that. No. No.

Absolutely. It's a show. But you don't know how Nair works there. Tommy, please don't put that in my show. Don't invite me and put stuff like that. No. Hold on. Have you ever removed hair from your body using Nair, the product Nair? This is a hair removal video. It's not what you think it is. It's on YouTube. You can watch it on YouTube. It's clean. In the show that you're inviting me. We're supposed to show educational stuff. I am not here to educate anybody.

But it's just a hair removal video. Yeah, well, yeah, then remove your hair and use... This is just a hair removal. No, no. How do you know how it works? You don't even know how it works. I don't care how it works. Remove it, please. But you don't even know. That's what he's going to do. He's going to remove it. Remove this clip, please. No, but some respect. I mean, yeah, no.

No, no, no, no. You don't want to know about hair removal? No, yeah, this is as slow as it goes. Nobody knows how the hair stuff works. Nobody cares and nobody will watch a show about how to remove that. How many views does this have? Like 5 million. 45 million. Oh my gosh. He doesn't need 46 million. He had enough. Remove it. You really don't want to see this? 100% no. It's disgusting to extreme. He also has... Okay...

But why have you become so dirty? What is the need of this? What? It's not. It's an education. I swear to God, hand to God, it's an educational video. It's on YouTube. It's just to remove hair from your body. It's not dirty. He has a trimming his balls. Can we talk about Hawaii now? Please. This is it. How about he has had to use a butt plug?

Do you know what that is? I don't even know what that is. How to finger your butt? You got to trim your nails and everything when you put fingers in your buttock? Ay, Tommy, please. Okay, all right. Geez, I get it. Have some respect for your mother. I do respect. I'm just trying to like... I think you're taking me directly to the Apple Store now. Now it's not requested. Okay. My stomach hurts so bad from that. Christina, please. Please what? You need to leave. Don't let him do this.

Palate cleanser. Oh, wow, with his hand? And his head? Wow. Dang. He's mad he crashed. Yeah, he's mad he crashed. So he's screwing his own car? Yeah, because he's embarrassed, I think, too. You know where to send him? Where? Apple Store? No. People like me go to Apple Store. He go to...

institution oh you think this guy needs to be institutionalized well of course you think I'm going to have a crash and destroy my car more because I crashed it yeah he got very emotional there by the way I want Christina's car very nice so yeah make two lists okay today the Apple store Sunday now we have something ready

No grotesca. Not butthole hair removal. Do you want to see the impressive part of how it looks at the end after the nair? Absolutely no. But it's just skin. But it was a bunch of hair. I have zero interest in this thing. But it was a bunch of hair. No, absolutely no. And now there's no hair. You've never done waxing? No. Don't you want to see how clean and smooth he looks? No. You can watch it 50 times. Hold on. Let's just see.

- Okay, look how-- - This is how my butt looks pre-rinse and pre-shower and post hair. - I am no longer watching this. - Just look how lazy Matt is. - I am not going to do this. - And come back and show you what the results are. All right guys, I'm back from my shower, did my nighttime skincare. This is how my butt looks post shower, post rinse, and post hair. - You don't wanna see? - There's no hair now. - No, no, but it's bad. Why do I want to be in your show watching it bad?

It's a little Asian guy. It's practically a woman. Obviously, there are some hairs on my cheeks. Let's talk about something else. All right. Okay. Jeez. Did you ever wax your stuff down there or shave? No. No?

- Yes, I shave. - Yeah, I'm a shaver, I'm not a waxer. I'm afraid to-- - I shave it because of Jane, by the way. - Really? - I never forget that. - Yeah, and my dad was really heartbroken. - It's Jane's fault. - Really? - I was taking a shower, I heard first time she walk in the shower. - I wish your mother wouldn't come down there. - And she saw me there, and she said, "That's disgusting." And I said, "What? How can you have hair there?" And I said, "What?" I said, "Ma'am, men don't like that. You have to shave it immediately, everything."

It's just like the gays. Like the gays? They shave? The gays shave a lot. How do you know you have watched them? We just watch them together. You go watch gays? We just watch one together. The gays trim their hair. This conversation is going to... Okay, now it's time for Is This Hilarious or Horrible? Is this kind of dirty? No. It's clean. There's no assholes in this. Okay, here we go.

Ah! Ay, que horror! Oh my God. Oh my God. Hilarious or not? Absolutely terrible. Yeah, that was bad.

That was a dumb question. I thought it was funny how they all fell down after the dominoes. That was kind of funny the way they fell in together. But the bus hitting them was not cool. Well, they should have known the bus was coming. He was out of the bike lane, to be fair. Oh, that's what happens. Yeah, let me see it again. See how this guy, the bike lane is to the left from where that line is. And look at that guy on the right, on the far right. He's riding in the street. Yeah, he's out of bounds. So the bus is basically saying, like, he's giving him a nudge. Like, hey, buddy, you know?

Just a nudge. Move over. Just move. So the bus. Ay, que horror. Yeah, the bus just gives him a little wink. Yeah, and the bus couldn't move a little bit more to the other side. But it was a little love tap, you know, just. Ay, que horror. Ay. All right, so there's no laughs on that one. I liked it, Tom. I thought that was hilarious. I liked watching them all fall after him, you know, like a domino. So for you it's.

I thought it was pretty funny. Just that time. Just that time. Yeah. Let's see this next one. Let's see if we get some LOLs on this one. Wait, wait, wait. Look, look. He's okay. What? Yeah, he's okay. Why did he run away? I think he stole it. Oh, yeah. I think he stole it. Yeah.

Yeah. Pretty cool. Yeah. That is pretty cool. So you like that one? I like that. Yeah. I mean, if he's perfectly fine, he stole a bike and then he took off and nothing happened. Yeah. But he survived. That's cool. All right. We're one out of two. I know. No, no, no. It's okay. Look, he's okay. He's okay. He's totally fine. I like your roar. Yeah.

He just got up like nothing happened. That was crazy. He's like, thank you, lady. And we checked on him and he's okay. He's fine. How did you check on him? Because the video was sent in and we were able to reply. And he's absolutely fine? He's totally fine. Barely a scratch. Barely a scratch. Not even that big of a deal. Looks like he crashed that windshield pretty hard. But other than that, yeah. Also, you have to give him credit for...

How many times he flipped. That was amazing. He's like Gumby, though. He just bounced. Yeah. He's long and lean, too. Dang. Dang, like a rag doll. Yeah. And look at him. Pops right up. Pops right up. He didn't even break his arm. That wasn't shit. But you think this is just made up? No. No, this is real. That's real shit. Yeah, that's real. Dude, he just, like, it's a limp. Can you imagine if I get hit by a car like that, I'm going to get up and walk? No, you would break. You would run after that.

You would break. I think that's the motivation you need. Okay, let's see if we got another one here. Let's see if we can get some giggles out of you. Did you hear a fart? Yeah, he farted. He farted. Yeah, listen. I don't know. You guys have the capacity to hear a fart in the middle of this?

That wasn't a fart. That was a noise from falling in two pieces. No, that's a fart. Ah, yes, I heard that. It was soupy. Yeah, it was soupy. It was a soupy fart. Yeah. That was disgusting. Yeah. He also has, you know, he's deeply traumatized, you know. His insides are, his legs are. He probably tore his hamstring. Some of his joints snapped in half. Yeah. And when you do your comedies also like this. The stand-up? Yeah. It's very similar, yeah.

So everything is dirty and soupy. Soupy. There's a lot of soupy parts in my stand-up. Soupy and poopy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wonder why I can't do it anymore. Yeah. How do you feel when you watch that?

- How do I feel? - Yeah, how do you feel about that? - I didn't realize that he was farting, so I was feeling sorry for him. - Yeah. - Until Tommy made me notice the thing and I said, "Ugh." So I went from sad to ugh. - Because it was like a wasted fart that nobody heard, really? - No, no. - Oh. - Because he was sad that the guy fell down and he hurt like this. - Oh, oh my God. - But you guys emphasize what is not important. Now I know the...

I mean, I think it's the most important part. Especially hearing it for farts. It was a good fart. We do have a good ear for farts. Yeah. But it was a really good fart and it went to waste. I don't even think his friends heard it. Yeah. It's kind of a bummer, you know? Mom, do you want to see inmate pen pal videos or Daddy DeMarco? Two pen pals. You do pen pals?

I don't even know what it is. Are you looking for love? Are you single? You can find quality guys that aren't going to leave or cheat on you. That's what I like about these guys. I'm just saying if I were single again, this might be the pool that I would go to. They're nice dudes. And then once you watch the video, I'm going to ask you to guess something. Okay? Okay. Hi, my name is Chris. I'm locked up in Idaho. My IDOC number is ***.

I'm looking for some pen pals to write and share what I got with, which is plentiful. I'm an entrepreneur slash artist. Been doing it for a long time. I really hope to hear from somebody. What is the new thing? And we'll be posted on the video. Business guy? He does his own businesses? Yeah. He's a nice guy. He seems like a nice guy. Super nice guy. Would you date him? Would you go out on a date with him?

That's not for a day he's in jail. Well, that's he's trying to connect with people. To get somebody to talk to. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, not today, but to talk. Sure. Yeah. Okay, what do you think he's locked up for? He probably killed somebody. No. He said he's an entrepreneur. You got to get closer to your mic, though. You got to move your mic, okay? There we go. Okay, what's your guess? She thinks he killed somebody. I think he's a drug dealer. Entrepreneur. Drugs. Yeah.

Okay, Drax, yeah. Yeah, that's correct. He's a possession of a controlled substance. Hey! You know, the more we watch these, I feel like I'm getting better now. Yeah. Because I've been practicing. Hey, how you doing? My name is Greg. Just thought I'd throw myself out here and see what's going on out there in the world.

Looking for some good conversation or whatever, if it goes further than that, whatever. If not, I don't know. I'm just looking to meet some cool people. Okay, this is a loser. Yeah, hit me up. You think so? Oh, my gosh. Whatever, whatever, whatever. No. You think Greg's a loser? A complete loser. Okay. He has no conversation whatsoever.

Oh, you think his conversation skills are learned? Well, why would you like to have a conversation where somebody says, hey, whatever, and I want to meet somebody, whatever. I'm just looking at the world outside to see if somebody wants to talk or whatever.

Yeah, he doesn't seem to be offering much. He's a nice, clean guy with zero IQ. Right. He doesn't have a lot of... He doesn't do anything... Nothing impressive. Yeah. I'm going to go for like robbery. Yeah. What do you think he did? Okay. Well, your instinct is right that he's a loser. Yeah. But that he didn't do anything is very wrong. You're kidding. He killed his own daughter. What? Yeah, who's a baby, seven-week-old daughter. Aye! Yeah. Pfft.

He's a monster. He's a monster. He's a monster, but as he likes to say... Whatever. Whatever. Whatever. Wow. Is this for real? That's for real, yeah. He killed his baby daughter? He killed his baby daughter, yeah. Damn.

I hope they keep him there for life and never find a person to talk to. Yeah, yeah, he will. But if you want to write him a letter, you know, Gregory's serving some time. If you want to say what's up or whatever. Can you mind when I write to him? Yeah, I think. He's so carefree. Yeah, he's very chill. I'm like, the guy has none of care in the world. He doesn't have a heart. Well, yeah, there's a good chance that he has a personality disorder. A good chance, though. If you are capable of killing your own daughter and then go like this, so cool, like nothing...

If you do something like that, which is horrible, you get so traumatized. Yeah. That somebody have to try to lift you up to get out of the stupid and horrible thing you did. Hey, whatever. I just want to get out of the war. Let's try a few more. Yeah. That was crazy. Oh, God.

I have no idea what he's saying. So he said he's good at sex. He's been giving it hard to women for years. And he likes fat bitches and fast cars. If you don't like that, he might not be for you. That's exactly what he is.

And I'm writing that. This is one of the few where it doesn't have what he's in for, actually. That's the reason I tell you. Okay, okay.

All right. Hit him up on JPEG. I feel like Christina would connect with this guy. Wait, let me see him again. I feel like you would like him. I like his sense of humor. What did I tell you? What did I tell you? Can I tell you what I like is when the inmates come to the phone and they've got like a little rap. You know what I'm saying? Like he thought of like, hey, what's up? I lay a pipe. I'm into the fat bitches and da, da, da, da. They have something to say. Like the other guy was like, whatever, eh, whatever. She likes me. He's got something to say. He came with like...

a thought in his head. Yeah. And I really respect that about Jay. You respect that? Respect. Yeah. Respect. Interesting choice of words. Yeah. I've been lame piped up. That's fine. LOL. I like fat bitches, fat squirts, tattoos. Anything else probably ain't for you. He can make me put a tattoo here on you. That'd be awesome. He likes fat bitches. That's cool. The bar is very low for me to keep my weight down, which would be cool. Oh. Okay. Ready? He's very accepting. One more and we'll move on.

It's not sweet. I like him. Yeah. He's nice. But I like him. Is he your favorite out of all the suitors? Yes. Yeah.

Me too. Sweet. What's your guess? He's a horrible criminal. Yeah, there's a teardrop tattoo that implies that he's killed somebody. He's probably in a gang. Gang stuff? Yeah, but you know what? He has the charm to do anything wrong, and still he just... I like him.

My favorite. Your favorite. How many people did he kill? Well, he got a DUI. Oh, that's not good. But then he killed somebody during the DUI. So he got vehicular manslaughter. By accident. By accident, yeah. So he's not a killer. Well, he is, but he's not an intentional killer. Well, he is because he was drunk.

Right. And then unintentionally you got upset and boom. Yeah. And I think their family would love to hear this explanation. Yeah. The victim would be like, hey, it's not a bad guy. Give him a break. It's fucking Josh. You know, if you are drunk, that's the problem with drinking. Yeah, exactly. You can do stupid stuff like that. Well, enough dudes. How about me? How about I get to play a little bit here? Hold on. Hi, Lo. Hit me up on JP. She's pretty. Yeah.

Okay, first of all, I love the minimalist. It was just, what's up, hit me up, and then a little hand sign. I think I feel comfortable saying that I'm very intrigued. I like her physically. I like that she's not too much of a yapper. I hate yappers. Oh, I'm feeling this today. Shut the up. See, this is the difference between men and women. Men only go for the looks first. So she knows that. She's like, look, I'm a smoke show. I'm the hottest chick in Idaho.

This is it. Just look at me, at me. And that's, she's smart. She knows men. You nailed it, Christina. You nailed it. The other guys know to go for heartstrings. Yeah. Well, she is incarcerated for burglary. She stole money and lottery tickets from a business. That to me is not even a criminal. Small potatoes. Yeah. She's cool. Yeah.

I welcome her into our throuple, Tom. Well, I'd love for that to happen very soon. I know that Christina likes Latin guys. Here's one more for her. My name is Luis. I go by Choco. Choco. So you want some of these? Hey, Choco. What's up? He doesn't even have a muscle. You want some of these? Okay. What's up? Keep me in JP and I'll shoot you a pair. All right. Take care of yourself, baby.

He probably made this. He's a loser. You think so? I told him, please. Look, you want some of this? And he showed you an arm like mine. Yeah, that's true. He wasn't very muscular. And you want some of this? And you want some of this? And you want this? And I don't know what is that. You don't like a man that can make you jewelry? He's making you necklaces and stuff. I thought you liked jewelry. I love jewelry, but I don't need that man. I just want the jewelry. So you're not a fan? Zero fan. I think Louis, his eye contact was a very intense stare.

- Very intense. - Very scary. - But can you put somebody, can be attractive Latin guy that have something, this guy has nothing.

I actually feel sorry for him. But he has a skill. But listen, in prison, if you have a skill, you're going to go far. And he can make you necklaces. That's what he's showing you. This is my prison skill. He's going to go from one room to the next one in jail. That's all. Wow. Well, Luis is in for incarcerated for trafficking, four and a half ounces of heroin, got caught being found, passed out in a car during a lunch break. So he passed out and got himself in a wee bit of trouble.

Hair on. Hair on, four and a half ounces, that'll get you locked up. All right, one more. Hopefully this is the guy that you're looking for, Mom. Here we go. Oh, I like him. Hey. Yeah.

Just smiling her face.

Oh, gosh. What do you think about Puppet? You like him? Are you out of your mind? How can I like him? Oh, okay. I don't know. He's just intoxicated and I have no interest yet in being intoxicated. No, toxic. Toxic. Toxic is not the... No, no, no. He's like, I have a bit of a toxic quality to me. You know what's good about him? He's self-aware. He's like, these are my bad qualities. I'm just letting you know. Meaning like, I have some bad qualities about me.

He's very aware. I like that about Puppet. He's honest. Yeah. Yeah. I have no interest in improving. Well, yeah. There's some stuff that you're going to have to deal with. Yeah. No, thank you. Zero. Okay. Wow. You're so like. Yeah. That was tight. I liked the black kid at the beginning. Yeah. Yeah. That's my thing. You even were a good defense attorney. You're like, the guy's drunk. What do you want? Bust the guy's balls forever? He's a drunk guy. That wasn't a big deal. No.

Not even a big deal. That would be my guy. The rest. That would be my guy. A bunch of losers. Puppet. You? What do you think Puppet did? I like Puppet. I mean, he's a gangbanger, obviously, because he's got the name Puppet. He's just like in a gang. He's in like Sorenos or whatever fucking MS-13. Let's not guess. What are you guessing the charge is, Mom? On this one? Yeah.

Yeah, he a banger. All right. He is incarcerated for robbery and burglary. And then he threatened the victim, pistol whipped them, and stole their boots and money. That's nothing. Yeah. How are you not a defense attorney? He stole jewelry.

Okay, let me read the whole thing again. Yeah. So you can clock in when you're ready for this. Yeah. Robbery. Yeah. And burglary. Yeah. He then threatened the victim. Yeah. Pistol whipped them. Yeah, but threatened, didn't do anything. Right. The next sentence is, he pistol whipped them. That means you take a handgun and you hit somebody with the gun. Okay. Okay? And then he stole their boots and money. That's dumb. But he needs shoes. Yeah.

That's not something to put you in jail for. Yeah. I agree. No. Everybody will be in jail for stuff like this. What? Who do you know? Tommy, this is happening all the time. No, this is nothing. I think you found your pet pal. You show me a guy who killed his daughter. Yeah? And then you show me a guy who...

did robbery. Okay. Well, Hey, uh, Vicente, if you want to hit up my mom, she's a little flirt too. And she doesn't see anything wrong with what you did. I would be a great lawyer. I'm a little, I would win the cases. I,

Because I'm fair. So if it's fair, I'm going to be fair. I feel like you're sympathetic to robbery, like robbery and drunk driving. I'm petrified of robbery. But it's not something that I'm going to put people in jail because... But that's what I mean. You're sympathetic. You don't consider that to be a crime worth putting somebody in prison for it.

Like, I think murder. Like, is murder where you draw the line? Oh, my gosh. Yeah. But I draw the line, no. Like, but you would date these guys, but just not the murderer. I wouldn't date any of these guys. But I wouldn't let them pass. I mean, it's not something like that. I'm just saying for the sake of, like, conversation, like, you have to choose one of these gentlemen. If I have to choose? Yeah. Oh, gosh.

Which one was the one I chose before? The black guy, sweet black guy. What did he do? He was drunk and then he killed somebody on accident. No, no. It was an accident. It was an accident. He was driving drunk and somebody died. Yeah, but then you kill. No, no killers. So no. Okay. I'm sorry. So then it's Vicente. Vicente? This guy didn't do anything. He pistol whipped somebody. Look at him. What will I want to talk? Okay, good, good, good, good.

What's up, guys? What's up? Be cool, be cool. Looking for somebody out in the world, right?

All right, do you want to see Daddy DeMarco or some TikToks? Okay. You know what I love. Okay. We'll get you over there. What do you love? I don't know. You show Daddy. Well, we are talking about jail. Let's see what Daddy says about jail. Yeah, it's kind of a nice thread. What was it like to be gay and be in a jail? Like, was there a lot of homophobia? How did you deal with it? I've seen a lot of people that is, like, openly gay and they get, you know, f***ed with. You know what I'm trying to say? Picked on, man-calling, et cetera, et cetera. You know what I'm saying? Even robbed and things like that. But when it came to me, I was like a different...

Yeah.

Who is the type of individual that had a lot of control? No, no, the black guy is. Ah. So you got a lot of gangs in there that I was controlling. So when they see somebody that's gay like me and controlling people that they're scared of. He's gay? There was a problem. They're scared of a group of people that I control and I'm gay. So at the end of the day, I became like the godfather. Daddy DeMarco. Gay godfather. Gay godfather. Daddy DeMarco. Yeah. So he was just telling you what it's like to be, you know, gay and in jail, but if you're him.

Well, if you're him, you're the king. That's what he's saying. Yeah. Well, good for him. Good for him. I'd rather don't try that. Yeah. Jail? Yeah, no, jail. Yeah. No, thank you. Yeah. Well, that's for Daddy DeMarco. That is kind of cool for him, though. Daddy, when you think about it, what an ideal sitch.

like if he's like king of that jungle you know like he's like I'm the gayest motherfucker in here yeah idea and he's so around dudes all the time yeah oh my god before we go um I forgot this you know that I did my uh you know this company here Liquid Death

- No. - This is a water brand. - Oh, it's water? - Yeah, it's water. - Oh. - So I just did a commercial for them and it came out this week. - Okay, I want to see it. - You wanna see it? - Yeah. - Let's get you. - You're gonna love this, it's so good. - It's pretty cool. - It's so funny. - I told you. - Segura recycling glory hole by liquid death 'cause there is nothing more glorious than saving the planet.

Hey everybody, I'm Tom Segura and I am partnering with Liquid Death to launch my very own Glory Hole. That's right, just walk up and slide your junk right in there. Hey yo, you gonna take my junk? Unfortunately no. Plastic isn't actually recyclable. 95% of it gets sent to landfills. Hey, can I stick my big can in there? Is it too big?

My mouth hole takes tall boys of all sizes. How much I gotta pay? Just go to liquiddeath.com and make a one-time payment, and then you can use it again and again as many times as you want. And don't forget, Tom, women can use it too.

Good Lord, Becky. It's 2023. Everyone can recycle. I love it. My Glory Hole is perfect for all sorts of occasions. Pool parties, office parties, retirement parties, divorce. Whatever makes you happy and you want to celebrate, use my mouth. So what are you waiting for? Pull your cans out and stick them in my mouth hole whenever you want. We can all run train on pollution together.

Oh my God. I'm going to have to order it. I have to order it. You'd like to order it? Yeah. It's a funny scene. It's so funny. It's pretty good. It's so good. Excellent. I'll have one sent to you if you really want one. Yes, I do. Okay. It's really good, Tom. I love it. That's such a funny ad. Yeah, it's a good ad. Jeez.

intrinsically valuable he's recycling recycling saving the planet yeah actually it's honestly it's great yeah but don't forget he said he's going to send me one yeah two years ago he asked me if I want a mattress that was in his bed he called me a mattress yes he called me to see which one and gave me pictures I picked which one

Okay, the guy is going to call you? Yeah, I'd set it up. I still don't know what happened. I really did set it up. I did. Two years ago. Yeah. And it actually might still be on the truck. Wow. It really might be on the truck, I swear. Or it might be in a warehouse just sitting. Can you call and ask them? Yeah, it might be sitting like in Stewart or something just waiting for directions. How to get to your house. Yeah. Can you call? Yeah. Maybe I get it when I go home. Maybe. Maybe. Miracle. I heard you bitches

And he, by the way, he asked me if I wanted. I didn't ask. Two years ago. But that's not that long. Hey, do you want to watch some TikToks? I love the segment because I curate these TikToks from the app. You know, I love it so much. These are just special people that I really enjoy their work on TikTok. Are they clean? Yeah. Of course they're clean. Do you want to see that guy, the guy that did the waxing, do the other... Get out of here, Tommy.

Hey guys, I'm home. I'm seeing a lot of replies on my video that I posted from the hospital earlier. And the main theme is... Yes.

Is it a tattoo? Yeah. Is it a tattoo? Aye. Aye.

And I thought, you know, I'm going to do this my whole life. But I was bipolar, undiagnosed. I had no idea I was bipolar. I just knew I got really, really sad sometimes. And then other times, I was on top of the world. And unfortunately, I had surrounded myself with people who took advantage of my mental state. Adults who should have known better and encouraged all of this. So I am now about to turn 37. Like I said, I'm working on my PhD in psychology.

That's a big part of it as well, to help other people. Before they get to a point like this,

I have looked at having it removed. It's crazy expensive. I have no idea how I'd ever really afford it. Also, it's very close to my eyes and even over here on my eyelid. It's the worst part. Anyways, it's pretty cool. Thanks for brightening things up here. That's a very cool video. You know what it looks like a mask when you put it on? Yeah, it does. It does. You don't like that? I think it looks really cool. I like it. It breaks my heart. Why? It looks awesome. Okay, you...

you really have a problem. But I like it. I think I want to do some too. I like that she kept her eyes out. Yeah. Neat. She can put eye shadow on. You just want to get someone way out of your league from a sociopath. Is this going to sound terrible? Be a bad person. As a woman, I like a guy who is terrible to everybody else but takes care of me. Dark-tried men are always more fun. I don't mean be rude to a waiter because your salmon is overcooked.

Everyone hates sanctimonious people. Uptried men aren't encumbered by anxiety or empathy. This allows them to go through life without caring about what other people think. Next, this is obvious, but a sense of humour.

are light-hearted they don't get offended by everything people say this generation will have an aneurysm if you breathe the wrong way it's like a constant competition about who can be more offended if you don't take yourself too seriously you have an edge above everyone else pete davidson is a great example he's gotten with every attractive woman exactly the best looking

Anyway, she's a diagnosed sociopath and she gives incredible life advice, like how to infiltrate a man's friend circle and get a man to fall in love with you. And then take advantage of him, get his money. Yeah. Notice she doesn't blink. That's why she's a sociopath. And she just tells you her secrets. She's basically teaching people how to manipulate people. Yeah.

Yeah, she's awesome. Yeah. She's special. We're very fond of her. Why don't you two get treatment? I'm not kidding you. Pull your mic. Mic. Treatment. No, no, no. Just pull it down here. There you go. All right. Can you hear me now? Yeah. What were you saying?

Why don't you two get treatment? For what? Well, look at the things that you love and you are addicted to her. And she's a sociopath. She's beautiful. Yeah, she's great. The looks has nothing to do. Looks are everything. That's all we care about.

She has nice boobs and stuff. That's why you married Christina? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, so you don't have any brain? No. But she's getting treatments. Not anymore. She is. She's getting treatments. Yeah, she's getting treatment with this person. I'm going to have a boob job too. Make them bigger. Boob job, face job coming up. Yeah. You're having your boob bigger? Yeah. Lift it up and then...

She's going to get a facelift, yeah. Why are you laughing? It's true. Well, the facelift, I don't know what they are lifting, but that's okay. I need a facelift. I need a boob lift. That's what Tom says. Can you pay for a facelift for me? Like that? I need it higher up, and then I need my boobs higher, too. Can you give me a facelift? What do you want to do that for? To look good. That's not, you don't want to do that. I want to be all unwrinkled. No. Can you whiten my teeth?

so i can smile instead of doing this yes you promise sure you promise i promise it's officially it's officially promise well we're doing two bits after the show so that's the exchange okay

Two after this? Two bits. What is two bits? We film something in front of the green screen, and then we sit in front of another. It's like bang, bang. And I get my... You get your teeth whitened. No, whitening, no. Veneers. Oh, it's very painful. You know that you just switched, right? Hold on. But you know that you just switched. You see, I'm going to do three shows. Wait, wait, wait. Tooth whitening, that's $400. Everybody just saw you do a... You go, can I get my teeth... Did she say, can I get my teeth whitened? I heard it. Your Honor, I heard it. I used the wrong word. Oh, of course.

No, veneers are very different than whitening. Okay, number one, Christina, you told me that I should have veneers long ago. Horrible. It's horrible. Don't do it. Told me...

No, they're very painful. The only reason I do it is because I knocked out this tooth as a kid. Otherwise, I would never subject anybody. My teeth are each one separated from the other one. Yeah, but you can just do... So now I have to smile like this. They're different colors? Is that what you're saying? So you can get them bonded. You can get them whitened. A whitening would help. Whitening doesn't white anymore. How do you know? Have you done it? I did it long ago and didn't do any difference. It cost me a lot of money. How long ago did you do it? Like five, six years ago. How much was it?

- Like $500. - Okay. Do you realize though that when you said, "Will you whiten my teeth?" You were at, "Hold on, hold on." - That's one offer. - You were basically saying, "Can I get 500 bucks?" And then a moment later you're like, "Can I get $30,000?" - But did you think that I'm gonna do three shows

For $500? I'm going to get my iPad for what you just did, and I'm going to go three shows for $500. You're supposed to just appear on the show because you're my mother. No, you're my son, and you can afford it. So we both love each other. I come here as your guest because I love you, and you love me so much that if I need something, let me help my mother. Well, if you need something, then let me help my mother. Yeah, sure. That's the case. What's the case?

That I need to do something that I don't have to smite like this all the time. I mean, if it's this, you would just do it. You can afford to do the thing that you want. $20,000? You have $20,000. Oh, at least, yeah. Real talk about this veneer. It is so time consuming. You're going to have to go back multiple times. Do you know what they do, right? Do you know how veneers work? It's very painful, too. It takes a long thing. Do you know what they do when you get veneers? It's horrible, Charles. Can you answer that, though? Yes. What do they do? I think they take my teeth out. No.

They shave your teeth down into little tiny nubs. It's horrible. Can you pull up... Just look at it. How they put veneers. I just wanted you to know exactly what it is. It's excruciatingly painful. So listen to me, Charo. They shave down your real teeth... For real, shave them down. ...into little nubbins, little pointed nubs...

okay see that nub that's what my tooth looks like that's what it'll be underneath that's what my real teeth look like under these two it's terrible over your teeth no hold on and then not only that then they have to make a mold so then you're going to walk around with temporary teeth for like two weeks while they make the porcelain veneers and then those are going to fucking fall out all the time there this is right here oh so they shave down the your teeth

That's how your teeth are underneath? Underneath, yeah. It's not cool. And then that's what's over is underneath it. So it looks beautiful in the end, but first you have to shave all your teeth. Okay, now tell me something. How come all the people who are in every show now, when they smile, they are all completely white and even? Because they're doing this bullshit. Because they're doing this, and it's terrible. And also, this is actually not ideal when they're white, white, white, because it looks artificial. You look crazy, yeah.

The really good ones do a version of it where it looks like you have wider, clean teeth, but not like it looks as white as the clouds in the sky. You know what I mean? It's not supposed to be that white. It's supposed to have like a little bit of... Also, they pop off all the time because they're very light teeth.

they pop off. So like one time I was eating a sushi roll with Tom and when he was in the hospital and my tooth popped off and like in the middle of the day, I had to run to the dentist and get it. It's terrible. How much are they? How much are veneers? A whole mouthful. Yeah. 30 grand. That's what I, my guess was bottoms. If you're doing top done, you have to do both. If you're going to do it, why don't you just get dentures, dude? Like knock them all out. Hi, Christine. And just get dentures. Like the Mormons do. Don't they do that? No, please. Per tooth.

one to four thousand per tooth okay forget it oh no no no yeah no so that's top set yeah so it's what forty thousand it's forty grand for the and this is your this by the way this is for you is like i just did a bit on your show okay can i get 40 grand no okay we do that this widening okay all right doesn't know where it's cheaper you wouldn't do dentures

Are you out of your mind? I don't know. I've known people with dentures my whole life. Why is that out of your mind? I know, but you take them all out. Yeah. And then when I take them out at night, I go like this. Yeah. They knock out the teeth you have. Isn't that what old people do? Yes, but if I don't need it right now. Let's look at the dentures. Why do you want me to knock them out? Between $300 and $500. Much more economical. Oh, yeah. No, let's keep it like this. And I just smile like this. But all they have to do is rip out, they pull out your real teeth, and then they give you the dentures. Give me like this. Okay.

And I'm happy. Can we please do dentures? Are you out of your freaking mind? For what? If he calls you $10,000, I still say no thank you. Can I tell you something? I might need them one day. I'll take you to get an iPad if you get dentures.

No, you take me the iPad. That has nothing to do with the dentures. Well, we didn't. No, we agree with that, Tommy. When did we agree? We agreed when I told you and you said okay. When did I say okay? You didn't say okay. Well, his blessing went like this. No, he did not say okay. Okay, can you say okay now? Can we do dentures too? No. No. You want your mind without teeth so I can have an iPad?

That's a funny... That's like a good exchange, I think. No, absolutely not. Can I tell you what the good part is about dentures? You can eat as much candy as you want. Hold on. You can eat as much candy as you want and fall right to sleep like you normally do, and they won't get... Your teeth won't get decayed. It's going to happen soon because I'm still falling asleep with the candy in my mouth. That's what I'm saying. She probably needs root canals and stuff. Have you had a root canal? The L in salmon is silent. Also, forget that O. Think of it maybe as an I.

- Sam-in, salmon. - Oh. - Salmon. - That's not how you say that. - Smoked salmon is salmon. - It's salmon. - It's salmon. - You have been saying this wrong for years. This is a good video for you. - All my life, yeah. So it says salmon, salmon. - What do you say? Salmon. - Salmon. - Salmon. - Salmon. - Salmon. - Salmon. - Salmon. - Salmon. - Sam? - Sam-man. - Sam? - Sam? - In. - In.

You just did it. Salmon. I know the problem for you because you learned, obviously, in Spanish. You say the L in Spanish. That's why. Salmon. That's why you, in English, it's a weird thing to drop the L. It is weird. They drop the L and they drop the O for the N. What is the origin of this word that we would... Spelled like this. But it sounds just like this word, lox. Salmon. Lox. Salmon.

Can you Google where the word salmon is from? Like, what's the origin? Latin. The L in salmon was never pronounced in English, and his presence in the spelling is a result... I don't care for the change to some different topic.

I know, I don't care. I can't get in bed for this topic. Please. Oh, and doubt. Tell me. We're running out of time. Let's go to something worth it. Oh my gosh. It is interesting. I wonder why...

we don't pronounce it. You know, it's very difficult, especially when you're teaching children how to read. It's very confusing for our sons. They don't know how to read that word. I really like that we did the deep dive on that. Oh, gosh, this was so fascinating.

confronting a woman with a reasonable grievance she will typically respond with a lack of accountability instead she will typically respond through denials deflections and defensiveness just like a narcissist so with that women speak the language of emotions men speak the language of logic

You will never win a logical argument with a woman. How often will you actually stand back from a conversation that you're having with a woman when there is a grievance at play and she'll say, hmm, I think you're right. Simply put, you cannot win an argument with a woman. So how do you handle an argument with a woman if she is being typically difficult?

Typically, the best way to approach that is to simply back off and to isolate her. Raising your voice is not effective. Abuse is not effective. Hurting her in any such way is not effective. But demonstrating your value by withdrawing it makes it all the more potent to a woman, your point of view. If she continues her dysfunctional point of view, then continue to withdraw your affection. If she does not...

respond to your withdrawal, then it's better for you to reconsider your relationship with her because outright she probably just does not respect you anyway. This guy's amazing. And he was 100% accurate. And you should withdraw your affection from people that you're

like conflicting with. I think that's a really good, that's really good advice. Yeah. It makes a woman feel really loved, right? When you're fighting and then she's like, and then you just withdraw. Right. But like you withdraw and then all of a sudden if she, if she does care about you, you're leaving this whole, you're hurting her emotionally and that's how you win. That's really good. That's good advice. I don't think that's right, Tommy. Well, this, no, it's how, but he's, it does, it's effective.

It's effective. Not necessarily ethical, but it's effective. Effective. He's right. It'll fuck her up. It'll mess up her head so bad. Mess up her head. You screw up a woman by doing that. You definitely, yeah. You emotionally damage her. How to argue. Let me destroy you. These guys are amazing. This is why we need more guys like this and be more prominent. I'm so glad we highlighted him. Let's go to the next one. Oh my God.

Look, look, look what's in there. I peed. I peed. I peed. I peed. I peed. I peed. I peed. You know what it is? No, it's a snake. It's a snake in the toilet. She peed. Didn't realize there was a huge snake. I...

Yo, and you know this. And she peed? Yeah, that's why she's freaking out. She peed. You know where this happened? Florida. This is where this happens all the time. Snakes come up in your plumbing, dude. Yep. You can be peeing on snakes all the time. And snakes love shit and they love piss and they love farts. Yep. Ay, que atroz. You've been peeing on snakes your whole life and you don't even know about it. Yeah, and they probably, the Europe house, it probably has a whole family of snakes underneath. It probably does. Yeah.

I'm moving. Dude, isn't that gnarly? That's not a little baby snake either. No, I told you. It's so scary. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

That's a bear attacking this man. What is the man? The guy, he's wearing the camera. He's holding the camera, yeah. He's screaming. So he's screaming and freaking out because a bear is coming up. I can't. I just have the time to record that. The camera's mounted to him. So it's like, you understand? So he's climbing. He's just out in the wilderness. And then a bear approaches him. I can't. Ah!

we have the video of him being eaten you want to see it

Being eaten by the bear. Do you want to see? No, absolutely not. I didn't know you could kick a bear, dude. Yeah, well, that bear's not that big. And they tell you if you're in, there's different things, but like you make yourself big, you make yourself, you're trying to like, he's trying to make the bear think that you're aggressive in nature as well, right? Like you don't run because then bears, it triggers them to chase you.

And then if you're actually being attacked, then it's a different thing where they tell you to cover your vitals, your neck and your head. But at this point, he's doing what you're supposed to do. So he's screaming, trying to make himself big. My God, dude. But that is the opposite. I mean, if I'm going to be screaming, I am attracting the bear. No, no, no, no. He's trying to scare the bear. Scare it off. Make him think you're a foe. And then the bear is eating him. The bear ate him, but it's a crazy video. If you want to watch it. No, thank you. No. Yeah. No. Okay.

Yeah. It's a really interesting point of view because the camera is on the guy who's being eaten. So you don't normally see the bear eat you. You know, it's pretty cool. I don't want to see it. Absolutely. Why would I want to see something like that? Are you sure you don't want to see that guy trim his pubic hair, though? Tommy, that's enough. I'm leaving. You ask me that question again. OK. Use all men in your life.

So manipulate and use all men for your gain. If a man shows interest or a crush, use him to get ahead and whatever that person can offer you. Use anyone and everyone of the male species to get ahead in your own life.

If someone is giving you a little bit of things, gifts, but it's not enough, take it and get another one. Use as many as possible. And anyone that has a crush on you, use them. For example, if you get into an Uber, if you're in a store, if you're walking down the street, if a doorman has a crush on you, get perks.

use them to your advantage manipulate and pretend you have a crush to gain and get more give fake numbers phone numbers if you have to give fake information fake names if you have to have five or six names five or six personalities and that day pick whichever one you want to use to gain and manipulate from as many men as possible

Because if you are gaining from multiple men, you will end up a very wealthy, beautiful woman. I can monster. This is how I did it. This is how I do it. Like the guy before for these hoes like this. And he even goes in TikTok with her face. She's beautiful. She has a horrible voice. I think that was how God cursed her. He was like, I'm going to give you this voice that people are going to have to deal with. And I don't even know if she's beautiful. I don't think she's beautiful. She's pretty. I think she's pretty. Yeah.

The gum in her mouth is a little distracting during the video. I wish she would spit out the chewing gum. But I think it's good advice. I've done it for years. You talk so seriously. It's actually really funny. I'm watching you. Anybody who watches doesn't know you. So what? Brilliant? Because we bring good news to the world? No, no.

She's not wrong, but I don't think you're going to find love this way. I think the problem in her... You're going to get all the money that you want, she says. She didn't talk about love. She says just manipulate them. Love? This woman doesn't know love. She doesn't want love. She wants money. She says you're going to enrich. That's so sad, but don't you want to have someone to share your money with? No. Just give me the money. Yeah. Did you do this when you were younger? I'd give her something. Oh, I did it like crazy. I would give her a little something. What would you give her? Something in her butt. Oh, shit.

Get clean for a little bit. I would nair her butthole and then I'd go in there. Can you just, out of respect for me, talk clean in the show? I'd be like, here's your gift. Get ready to go see the doctor. You're not going to walk right for a week. Does stuff with guys, does she have to give up sex to get stuff, you think? Maybe sometimes. Depends on how much stuff. That's usually how that works. Here, watch this.

Treat women like a 10-year-old and they'll love you for it. So when you're on a date, don't, for example, talk about politics, economics, all those complicated things. Talk about food, sex, partying, going on vacation. That's the things that women resonate well with. When they argue with you, don't get upset. Would you get upset if you were arguing with a 10-year-old? Of course not, because they are 10-year-olds.

So when you get into an argument with a 10-year-old or you get into an argument with a woman, you kind of like, okay, no problem. You blow it off. When you're also engaging in a breakup, keep in mind that her emotionals are all over the place, just like a 10-year-old. So when you're dealing with a woman, deal with her as a 10-year-old

And you will understand and appreciate your audience much better. And you'll be a lot much more poised. I think that's how you call it. A lot much more. A lot much more. You will not be disappointed when the person acts out. Because, of course, she is acting like a 10-year-old. All right. He's absolutely right. Oh, my God.

He's absolutely up a hundred percent. Really? Treat women like children. What part do you resonate with? What part makes sense to you? I think that's the way Tom treated me. Your husband? Yeah. I think he never brought to me, he never talked about politics with me. He never talked about his work. He would come, it was great. Good day. And then we talk about how are the dogs? How was your day, baby? Did you play bridge today? Did you go shopping or did you return?

and I thought this guy really loved me and so we didn't have to argue we never have an argument because we didn't have the chance to have an argument the topics of conversation was me and cleaning the house and taking care of the dogs you kept it like but it worked for you guys I was a 10 year old and I was happy and you just revealed to me the secret of my happiness that's being 10 years old

Well, I will say that I enjoy the topics of a 10-year-old. I like talking about farting and ponies and kittens and dogs. Like, I love 10-year-olds. And that would be your only type of conversation? It's a lot, right? What do you think this show is? This show is like 10-year-olds. I mean, I think those inmates will love this when you start sending those letters. Yeah. I remember going out to dinner with your father and Kathy.

who was a CIA or whatever she was. And they talked nonstop about politics and all this stuff and I was like-- - Boring, boring. - And I said, I am not involved in it. He said, that's okay, baby, don't worry, just eat your pie. - But don't you think that it worked well? - No. - You don't think that-- - I didn't learn anything. - No, the dynamic worked well. - The dynamic was perfect happiness, no fights. I'm always right no matter what, but he does whatever he wants.

He moved me from town to town, making me feel like I was going to be the happiest woman. You're going to love it here. You're going to love it here. We're going to Minnesota. It's the best town in the world. Okay. He took me away from my sister who lived next door, the schools, the friends that I finally made, to the freezing 10 below zero.

Is that where you feel you would have been the happiest in Ohio? Yes. In Cincinnati? Yeah, you would have been next door to Blanca. Zero doubt. Yeah. And it was the first place I went, so I really grew to love Cincinnati. I feel confident. I feel comfortable. Yeah. The kids went to school together. I mean, it was a perfect life. But then, you know, he did have to do it for the career, right? Well, because he wanted to go into management. He didn't have to.

But I'm glad for him and he did. But he regretted many times. He did. Not that regretted in the sense of what he did, but many times he says, "I always wondered if I did the right thing, getting into Banach and doing this to you." And I said, "You know, he gave me all the time I have to give something." But the hard thing is when you don't feel confident with your language and you don't know people and you write, don't know people because you don't have to socialize. And then you move to a different town, a different city,

And the kids are still small, so you have to get doctors, you have to get schools, you have to learn the city. No, it's terrible. And until now, I cannot read a map, so just go straight, take your right three blocks later. Oh, my God. Do you want to know how stupid I am? How? You get lost coming here. I had lunch with a friend yesterday. Tom, you're going to hate... Okay, so first...

Last week we learned that I learned how to use a shower cap. I've never used a shower cap. I just put my hair in a ponytail and then I stand under the water kind of like this so that my hair doesn't get wet. Unbelievable. That's how stupid I am. Guess how fucking retarded I am, Tommy. I can't guess. So I was at lunch with my friend and I go, we're talking about direction. She's like, I don't know direction. I was like, well, all I know is North never eats soggy Wheaties. And she goes, North isn't up here. It's straight ahead. Yeah.

Is that right? Like, where's north then? Always salt. Never eat soggy Wheaties. But like, does that make sense, Tom? Is this north? This is north? Up? That's what I'm saying. Up isn't north. I mean, you'd have to know. North is always this? No. No, you don't know which way. Right now, you don't know. No idea. I don't know which direction we're facing. I don't know north. I mean, north can be right here. So then I have to turn around and go, never eat soggy Wheaties.

Well, that's why I have to have a compass. I don't have a clue. But my whole life I've been pointing up and going north. You were north always up. So basically there was no north for you. I mean. That's your wife. Yeah, that's wild. In LA, you know, it's very simple. You always know where the ocean is, right? Yeah, I knew that was west. Yeah, right. And in Florida, the ocean's always east. It doesn't make any difference. I don't know if I'm facing the ocean. Well, I'm saying if you know where the ocean is when you're in Florida, you know you're facing east.

Yes, I know that part. Except if I'm driving. But I never was like, north. That's what I was doing. I was like, oh, it's like the North Pole or something. It's like up there. This is worse than any show you can show. That's pretty crazy. She went up to go north. Which way are we facing right now? Do you know?

I will tell you. What's that? That's north. North is here. North is up there. I told you, it's right there. Right there. This is north? Yeah. North. How would you know it? Yeah, how would you know? Just know like he knows where we're situated and which way he's facing right now. I don't know fuck about shit. I don't have a direction. Fuck.

I don't know why. You know anything about this? Fingering your butt is a really good way to loosen up before sex. More specifically, receptive anal sex. I told you to take that stuff out of my show. His teeth are white. See how his teeth look? Yeah, look at his teeth. Whatever he's doing, that's what we need to do. Yeah, I have yellow teeth. I listen to this guy. Okay. Aren't you curious? Don't invite him in my show. He's talking about how to loosen up. I am your guest here. Okay. We got to wrap. Okay. Okay. He has dentures.

He has dentures. Good for him. And I'm willing to get you them. No, but I'm going to get my whitening. Okay. Mom, it's always a pleasure. Thank you for coming in. Thank you for coming in. Thank you so much for inviting me. It was absolutely a delight to be here. I'm sorry that I didn't make you laugh. No, you were great. No, you were great. You were great. Always making me laugh. And you're like a mother to me, and I love that you...

Can you believe that I love you as a son? I know. I'm like a son to you. I really, really, really, really, truly love you. I love you too. I love you both. That's so sweet. No, but I really love you both.

Don't you feel like a son is different though, a bond? They say that the birth of your first son is your last love. Yes, I saw you. I was talking to Christina Isotomi. Did he push? Oh yeah, he does it all the time. I swear I didn't fart. I swear. I swear. You lied too. I swear to God. No, don't use God for this. I swear to God. Don't use God for this. I absolutely don't allow you. I don't allow you.

I love you guys. I love you too. And I'm sorry we didn't get to watch the butthole fingering stuff. I didn't take a shit today. Yeah, I got a piss so bad. Sometimes I feel like I got a piss so bad I got a shit. Can we do a loving goodbye? And we will see you next week. Thanks, Mom. Thank you so much. Love you.

are you having hardcore fun

Your boss or your grand-man would think you are completely retarded.

I'm having fun.

are you