45 - The Three Students - Part One 39:10

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For just £6 a month, binge ad-free adventures in full and have access to so much more over at patreon.com forward slash Sherlock and Co. Welcome to the adventure of the three students. This is a two-parter. It contains stuff that isn't that bad, to be honest. Apart from me. I'm kind of annoying in this one. I got sort of swept up in the...

Well, I mean, you'll see. I don't want to spoil it. I just... I got carried away. So, yeah. Enjoy. Right. Deep breaths. How many? Just one or two. Don't want to overdo it. I'm rather nervous, Watson. That's normal. Absolutely normal. They'll be nervous too. They will? Of course, mate. Yes. They're watching a speech by the great Sherlock Holmes. Yes. Of course. Okay. I think we're ready.

My name is Dr. John Watson, once of the British Army Northumberland Fusilier Regiment, now a true crime podcaster based in central London.

I don't have much experience in criminology, so this is mostly a record of how I met possibly the most brilliant and bizarre person I have ever and will ever know. Join me as I document the adventures of Sherlock Holmes. There's no one else it could be, Archie. There's literally no one else, mate. Is there?

I mean, I can sit here all day. Got beer on the go, got nothing on. What's that? Ready to confess? Look, Arch, I placed the sausage roll on the coffee table. That is my fault. It's my fault. I appreciate that. The coffee table is particularly low. It is within reach. I mean, look, I know you're short, but...

But mate, look, your little pig snout reaches right to the surface of the table. That's the method. Motive? Well, we both know that wasn't some cheapy meal deal nonsense. That was an artisan sausage roll from a posh shop. It's got red onion chutney in it. It was flaky and buttery. Do you have any idea what artisan means? Archie, it means someone middle class made it. University educated hands made that sausage roll. Opportunity?

I was in the kitchen looking for the mustard and you took your chance. Oh! Would you look at that? There are pastry flakes on your lip, on your nose. I mean, this is an open and shut case, mate. So we can do this two ways. Yeah? You accept responsibility for your actions

and you apologise by spending some time on your bed moping, or you throw all that trust away and you continue to behave like nothing happened and you're not to blame. So what's it going to be? I have a problem. Violin broken? No. Oh, shame. I've been asked to do something. In fact, I've been asked a number of times and I've always pondered and delayed and... What does it mean? Oxford University wish for me...

For me to speak to their criminology undergraduates. Oh, wow, that's great. No, it is not great, Watson. What? You can... you can speak to crowds. You love speaking to crowds. Only when I'm charged with the brimming galvanism of closing a case. When every cell of my brain is agitated with the solving of crime. When I am positively carbonated with the fizzing bubbles of resolution. When you're showing off, basically. When you're showing off, you feel you can speak to lots of people. I...

Yes. Yes, I suppose that is the case. Is that unusual? A unique, rare trait of my complex neurodiversity. A signifier of my pariah repute. Yet another red-hot branding of society searing into the skin of me. Sherlock Holmes. This un-person. Hmm? Er, no. No, not really. Oh. Lots of people have anxieties about public speaking, but can feel...

Yeah, like you say, invigorated when it's their field or if they're confident in the content of what they're saying. Yeah. Understood. I can still feel the restlessness of the thought though, Watson. Well, just reject them then.

Doesn't matter, does it? Autistic man turns down offer to speak to room full of people. They're not going to hold it against you. Yes, but she will. Who's she? Sorry? I must give back, Watson. Give back what? What have you taken? The piss, apparently. I have taken the piss, according to recent correspondence. Sorry, can we just... Who are you talking about?

Lestrade. The police commissioner? Yes. We have somewhat of a quid pro quo. Right. Yeah, but you've helped on loads of cases. My point exactly. You're right. I'll tell her to bugger off and leave me alone. No, wait, wait, wait. Why is she saying you should do it? To give back.

Okay, so part of this agreement, this quid pro quo, is that you provide expertise to... Officers from time to time. Senior detectives, should it be requested. But also to the... What was the wording? Um...

to the next generation of Britain's frontline legal forces to arm the nation's best young minds against the evils of society. To impart the technical wisdom required to trap and expel all the wickedness and deceit of humanity. Freelance speaking rates payable at £2,000 plus VAT. All external contractors are subject to our discrimination and inclusion policy. This paper was printed on recycled paper and carbon offset by... Okay, I've got it, I've got it. What do you think? You think she's asking too much? I... I mean...

You're not going to like the answer I give. Damn it, Watson. Look, she... We do get a lot of access. You've got to admit it. I'm a detective. Yeah, says you. You're not qualified. Excuse me? I'm just saying. I know you're brilliant, but there's nothing on paper saying you're a detective. But they still bend over backwards to give us access. And me, I'm a doctor from Swindon. We've got an accountant from Sociedad downstairs. And both of us get ridiculously high clearance half the time.

And all that generally trickles down from Lestrade. You know, she's right. There is a new generation of... Well, I mean, that was a bit over the top, all that nonsense, but there are people out there that could do with exposure to your brilliance.

It's benefited me, no end. Just ask the criminal here. Who? Archie. Sausage roll thief. Oh, no, that was me. I just put the pastry flakes on his jowls. Oh, for f... You framed our dog. So? So, Professor Criminology, that's criminal activity right there, my friend. It's not, actually. It's planted evidence. Not illegal, just inadmissible in court.

and would be excluded under the General Powers and Section 78 of the Police and Criminal Evidence Act of 1984. Yeah, yeah, tell it to the jury. The jury wouldn't hear it because it would be inadmissible. Oh, shut up. Mariana, how come she's not in here? Can we take the Spain flag down now? We get it. They won the Euros. Grow up, get over it. Watson, I really do think we shouldn't be indulging a pushy university faculty. Mariana! What? What are you doing? I'm studying. Oh, nerd alert.

You're not even a student. What are you studying? Possible new tax legislation. Oh, wow. I've got half a mind to give you a wedgie. Are you drinking a beer? Yep. You were playing Madonna really loud last night. Don't... It was a playlist that Madonna was on. I wasn't playing Madonna. Still, it was loud.

Can I help you? Yeah. So, Sherlock Holmes. This guy here. Roommate. Yes, I know him. Watson, please. He's been asked to speak at Oxford University. Oh, no way! To criminology undergrads. Sherlock, that is so cool. It is not cool. I think it's a nice way to give back to the next generation of crime solvers, personally.

John, that is such a good way of looking at it. He is merely regurgitating the clichéd arguments of the Met. Oh, so the Met want this. I'm not doing it. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I've got it. I can write your speech. You've got it? No, that's not it. Thank you, Mrs Hudson. All right, Mariana can co-write the speech. She's clever, loves all the criminology, true crime stuff, and I'm...

Well, I mean, people are always emailing in saying I describe things really good. I describe things really good. Wait, so the Met are suggesting you do these kinds of talks and you've been ignoring them? Worse than that. It's part of a deal he has with them. What? To ensure consistent access. Access is their word.

assistance would be mine. Ay, Sherlock. It's a silly, stupid thing and I have no interest in doing it, so I won't do it. We all have to suffer through things we're not interested in every now and again, mate. You ever been on a speed awareness course? Or watched the snooker? Just at least think about it, Sherlock.

Have you guys had lunch yet? Ha ha ha, long story! I've made up my mind. I will continue to evade their requests. I have structured my life and work so I no longer have to suffer the banalities that plague the modern mind. This is not banal though. I'm not joking when I say this is really cool, mate. It is? Yes, right Mariana? Oxford University.

Are you serious? This is amazing. You are at the top of your field. This is only something they would ask of the very best Sherlock. She's right. Oh, come on. Am I that good? Where is my sausage roll? Oh, you're good. Very, very good. This is an ad by BetterHelp. What are your self-care non-negotiables?

Yes, my name is Sherlock Holmes.

are studying criminology. That's what I have deduced. Small pause. The Faculty of Law here at Oxford University has some of the highest admission standards in the world. You should all be very proud for... should be very proud for being... for...

Ha ha ha, here we are. Oxford, baby. Wow, this brings back memories. You didn't go to Oxford. No, but like university, you know, I mean, it's got that uni energy to the whole place. I mean, look at this lot here. Hey, guys. Stop shouting at students. I'm greeting students. I'm not shouting at them. We must find the Faculty of Law department. I have a meeting booked with Professor Soames. Hey, man. Ay, look at you. Who, me? Big man on campus. Oh.

I don't think we would have liked each other at university. I don't know, maybe. Where did you go to uni? I had big dreams, but kind of messed up my final year of high school, so... Yeah, my university wasn't the best. You messed up? You? Yeah, I did. I tried to fit in with the cool kids and basically nearly got expelled. I guess I just tried too hard to be popular, or at least remotely liked. What did you do? I...

I cut the school power during an assembly. That's a good one. I feel sick just thinking about it. I was queen for a day, but God, so embarrassing now. You should probably podcast. Yeah, I should, if you don't switch off my power. Hi guys, welcome to Oxford, home of, you guessed it, Oxford United.

but also Oxford University, believed to be founded in... no one really knows. Some say by Alfred the Great in the 10th century, others say... not by him, by someone else. Either way, it's bloody old. The university is one of the best in the world and boasts an alumni like no other. Well, probably like a handful of others, but just to give you an example, let me Google here, we've got...

Rupert Murdoch, no, Robert Mugabe, Kelly Ann, Cecil Rowe, Edward VIII, I can't make this list, sorry, googling again. Famous Oxonians, here we go, J.R.R. Tolkien, Stephen Hawking, Oscar Wilde, Tim Berners-Lee, a lot of white guys, yeah, got some more white fellas here, if you're into that kind of thing, Samuel Johnson, Christopher Wren, Sir Walter Raleigh,

Going further back we've got Bill Clinton. Who else we got? Well loads, loads. We've got loads basically.

It is a bustling, energetic city that feels like a town, I have to say. The clanking and rattling of cyclists zipping past, the buzzing little huddles of protests and study sessions, the murmuring intrigue of tour groups and tourists, the sweet shops that everyone knows are a front for money laundering. And all the while you've got these little pockets of serenity where you can sit and almost feel your brain getting bigger. You can plonk your arse down on some bench overlooking the river or the parks and...

You never know who may have sat there once, dreaming their lofty dreams. John le Carré, Clement Attlee, Barbara Castle, Margaret Thatcher, Hugh Grant, Richard Burton, Lewis Carroll, William Golding, Edwin Hubble, W.H. Auden, who later wrote those incredible words, of course. Stop all the cars! Sorry, there are a lot of cyclists out there.

I have to say. Oh, Jesus Christ, there's another one. Are we near the Faculty of Law, Sherlock? Not quite. We continue eastwards, past the Ashmolean, onwards beyond the great college buildings of Balliol, of Trinity, past the Bodleian Library, then St Cross Road onto Manor Road. Ooh, this pub is nice. What do we reckon? Uh, yeah. It's... nice. No, as in...

We could have a quick drink, couldn't we? Don't you have a speech to write? No, I've done it. I did it on the train. Oh, let me see. No, you don't need to. I'll read it. I think maybe I will read it. You concentrate on getting us to the law building without getting attacked by cyclists. Right, listen, here we go. Hello, my name is Sherlock Holmes and you are studying criminology. That, at least, is what I have deduced. And a pause there for laughter.

Then I've done a big sort of wankfest about how clever they are. Listenership is getting younger. So? Wankfest? Oh, yeah. Well, it's also getting more American. Wankfest doesn't mean anything to them. Please stop saying it. Why? Wow, this university thing is really going to your head. Well, to be honest... What? I was going to say the same of you. How? You're getting all square and proper. Do this, do that. Left here? Square and proper. Ha, ha, ha.

You mean grown up? Hmm? Oh, let's go to the pub? Wank, wank, wank? Just let me continue the speech.

The Faculty of Law here at Oxford University has some of the highest admission standards in the world. You should all be very proud. Proud not only of your own deeds and academic standards, but of your peers, of your school. This bit is good, I like this bit. I am not here to discourage or impress upon you any other standard than what you already demand of yourself.

I am merely here to offer a glimpse into the future, your future, at what is coming your way down the busy highway of... Ah, shit! Bloody bikes! I can't record, read and walk at the same time during the Tour de France, apparently. Bloody bikes! Hmm, it's, um... Yeah, it's pretty quiet in here, no? Not like my rowdy uni days, let me tell you. Mm-hmm, sure, sure. This is a lecture and seminar block. Yeah, but still...

I do have... just a tickle of intrigue. Uh, you do? I do. Is your Shirley sense tingling? What? Is there something about the building you've noticed? Every office and lecture theatre is empty, even though the timetables upon entry seemed marked with activity.

No cleaners have been last night nor this morning. How do... The cleaning rota there, on the toilet door. Oh, yeah. They also use a floor cleaner, most likely a mop gel that contains plenty of glycol. You can see on the skirting where old residue has stuck and not been wiped down. Yeah, so... There's no scent. Glycol is a strong organic compound belonging to the alcohol family.

Manufacturers would offset with a punchier floral or zest aroma. That seems to be lacking. Ooh, hey wait, I see someone. That would be our meeting, I believe. Wow, he looks stressed.

Wow. Correct and correct.

Correct. Good to meet you. Oh, God, don't be silly. No, no, no. Silliness abound, please. The pleasure, nay, the honour is mine. John, hi. How are you doing? Very good, Professor. Right, well, today you find me not at the Faculty of Law, but rather the Faculty of Sod's Law. You've caught me at a bit of a rotten time, I must say. But if we have a brief chit-chat down this way... Thank you for that, James. Thanks.

You don't wish to use your office? Do you want a coffee? It's from a machine, not a person. I, um... No, I'm alright. I'm fine. Thank you. People can be quite funny about that these days, can't they? But it's all the same to me, you know? I don't even know what's the difference. There's a cable tie on your office doors. Yes, quite. If you'd come any sooner, you'd have seen me just wrapping one around my neck and just, you know, sort of ending it all, you know? I'm kidding, of course, God. Just a real...

bastard of a day or two. But wasn't it Seneca that said, "The most happy ought to wish for death." He may have done, yeah. Why is the door cable-tied? Oh, God, temporary measure, I assure you. Now, I'm really, really sorry to be a bit of a last-minute Michael,

Your speaking window has been moved to tomorrow. Oh. Um, why? Don't worry. Don't worry. Worry not. Cease your threats. Men are disturbed not by things, but by the view which they take of them. Epictetus...

I'm sorry, so why is there speaking appointment alert? Oh, a hiccup. A mere zit on this otherwise pristine fleshy rump that is your visit and engagement with college. Now... Professor Soames? Just down this way and we'll fill you in, okay? Professor Soames! The speech doesn't have to be any more than 45 minutes, just so you know. Have you been robbed? Well, um, let the deductions commence, eh? Quite extraordinary.

Well, this is it. My office. Yeah. Untouched? Absolutely untouched. The last person to enter could have only been the perpetrator. Which was when? Two days ago. Monday. And just to be clear, there's nothing taken here?

Taken in the sense of removing from its place. No. Taken in the sense of undertaking. Very much yes. A photo. Here. Wow, okay. Could you send that to us as well? Of course, yeah. And what are we looking at here?

In criminology here at the Law Faculty, we evaluate a student using a number of methods. We have presentations, we have study notes, we have dissertations. We do not have exams, okay? But what we do have are controlled assessments. Okay. What's a controlled assessment?

A controlled assessment. Well, the one in particular we planned on using is an eight-hour assignment to be completed by the student under controlled circumstances. Then the board of examiners, in conjunction with the faculty and an independent invigilator, will process the student's performance, which will contribute towards the final grade of said student. You no longer wish to use it? Correct, yeah. The information has been leaked. Exactly.

Exactly. From this photograph here. Indeed, yeah. Now, this is all rather embarrassing, and I really, really don't wish to be part of the next... What do you call them? Escapade. Adventure. Adventure, that's it. God, escapade. What am I talking about? Yes, it...

This is obviously a humiliation to the faculty. It's obviously a humiliation to myself. It will mean a rather difficult summer, a fractured hiatus for the students because of this incident. We are working closely with... How did you find out?

Excuse me? That the image had been taken and circulated amongst the class. Some students are a little more honest than others. A student reported it back to you? Yes, a Kayleigh Gilchrist. Good for her. Very honourable. Quality is not an act. It is habit. The

The great Aristotle, of course. And Miss Gilchrist has certainly made a habit of that. She serves the department as an assistant as well, you see. I appreciate your procedures following such an event, Professor Soames. You do? I do. The preservation of the entries and exits, adjourning the staff and students and cleaners. Very helpful indeed. It is criminology, Mr. Holmes. Would you expect any less? Yes, actually. Oh.

Right. But I'm very glad to be wrong. You were planning on... What?

Police intervention. Difficult one for them to take all that seriously, I'm afraid. I can imagine. We have exam control boards, disciplinary and various inquiry vehicles of the university that would like to look into this. As I'm sure you're aware, and this goes to my point about your microphone, Dr. Watson, this could erupt somewhat, don't you think, into a scandal? Yes, I guess it could, but...

There would have to be more wrongdoing by the school, right? Otherwise, this is just breaking and entering. Well, yeah, quite. But the... You see, the door wasn't locked, unfortunately. And it's completely my error. My students were aware of the conditions of the assessment. We keep an open policy with them, you see. What did the students know, exactly? Well, it's transparency, isn't it? It's respect.

We told them where these assessments come from, what's inside them, how they are decided upon by the external bodies. I had mentioned, again to my sheer bloody short-sightedness, that a designated A4 document box, signed for on delivery by only myself, would contain the controlled assessment criteria and schematic.

I wanted them to know that we were not testing them in that sense, you know? Students can get too comfortable with their tutors and lecturers. They drop their guard, you know? They can often take comfort in their relationship with that person or their standing in that class. This was about showing them that it's an outside force judging everything they have learned on this course. So the students knew what to look for?

Well... Professor. It's an uncomfortable thought, I'm afraid. Maybe I'm just unwilling to accept that one of our students would do this. I don't know. It's saddening. What do you see, Sherlock? Plenty. Please do illuminate, Mr. Holmes. I won't illuminate, as I would rather preserve the energy. I will merely emit a faint glow of intrigue for now.

The documents were here, were they not, Professor? Yes, on my desk. That's correct, yeah. And you work by this window? Yes, but... No, no. I may have been careless, but I can promise you, absolutely promise you, they did not enter through that window. How do you know? He knows because they're over 300 years old. They're listed. And they don't open. Yeah, that'll do it. So, yes, I...

I opened the documents as quickly as I could. When? They arrived at 10am on that Tuesday. And when did you open them? I took them straight here and put them on the desk. I then left to go and grab a coffee and, you know, it can happen, can't it? I got distracted while in conversation. For how long? Well, the conversation led me into a seminar which overran... How long were the documents on your desk, by the window in this unlocked Office 4? An hour and ten minutes. Understood.

You then returned to the office and... I returned to the office and I went over the assessment. I was rather excited by some of the, you know, the nuts and bolts, the inner workings of it. I made some mental notes, of course, arranged a meeting with the assistant lecturer about it. I then resealed the documents and had them sent back as per instruction from the examination board. Right. It...

As a process, you can see how that's riddled with holes. It's not the only thing. Hmm? Your desk, Professor. Are these new? Sorry, what are we looking at? These tiny holes scratched ever so slightly on this surface. Oh, God. Here and here and here. Oh, good Lord, look at that. Oh, yeah. What are these? Hmm, weird. You have been on holiday, have you not? I...

Wow. Yes, I have. There's a wristband on your bookshelf for a folk festival in Sidmouth. Of course, yes. Excellent music. The scenery there's... Did you go to the beach while you were there? I did, yeah. Which beach? Oh, it was just Sidmouth Beach. Sidmouth Beach, yeah. Thank you, Professor. I'll be in touch with my findings shortly. Sorry, Mr. Holmes, what about the speech? Oh, bugger.

Forgot about that. What's that? Sand. From where? From Soames' office. Oh, we should have picked a hotel. This is stupid. There's three rooms going in the halls. What's the problem? Ah, here. Here we go. These are my digs. Sherlock, you room in with me, buddy. Soames has sent me a profile of all the students. Rather enlightening, I must say. Watson, I'll need your laptop to begin my comprehensive research. Comprehensive research?

Tonight, I will get to know every single student in that class. Cool. We heading out to meet them? Oh, I will be doing so through their online activity. Obtaining details, cross-referencing, harvesting vital nuggets of information that will lead us to our culprit. Okay, right. My dorm room is opposite...

That's handy. So, what are we thinking? Some drinking games in mine and then we'll head out? Mm-mm. I have studying to do. Lame! You have work to do. You need to rewrite that speech. Yeah, I know, I know. Sherlock, I know you're going to go full-blown deep dive, but what do you reckon? Quick pint or two? The key could be in Manor Road. The window looks out onto Manor Road.

Who would use that route? Right, fine. I'm going to head out. OK. And, yeah. Try not to behave like a student. Try not. I'm not going to behave like a student, am I, Mariana? Come on. We like to drink with Watson. We. When we drink with Watson, he tells you all the day. Five, four, three, two.

Well as Keats once said, "Heard melodies are sweet, but unheard ones much sweeter." Beautiful. Really just beautiful. I was thinking the same thing. Swim naked in the canal? Is that all you got? Watch me, watch.

Hey mum, can I borrow 20 quid please? Life is a mystery. Everyone must stand alone. I hear you call my name and it feels like home. Who's that? That's Keats, again. I think that's Madonna. It's like a prayer by Madonna. Oh, is it? Oh, God.

Where are my shoes? For God's sake, where's my key? Sherlock? Sherlock, you in there? I can't. The window's too high. I don't know whose dorm... Oh, my God. Hello, Mrs. Hudson. Uh-uh. Don't. Oh, come on. Did you do the work? What work? Oh, you are in so much trouble. Oh, please. I can write that in...

No time? What time is the lecture? Get away from my window. You stink. Like vodka? And... Oh, did you go in the river? It was... It's not like I went in by myself. You need to get some sleep. All right. Let me in. Yeah, no chance. Oh, Mariana. Wait, wait. What? I just... There's no easy way of asking this. What? What?

Can I be sick in your bathroom, please? The Faculty of Law here at Oxford University has some of the highest admission standards in the world. You should all be very proud for... Should be very proud for being... For... What is he doing? I can't do this. To binge this adventure in full and without ads, go to patreon.com forward slash Sherlock and Co.

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