The Secret to Stopping Fear & Anxiety (That Actually Works) 53:25

The Mel Robbins Podcast is proudly sponsored by Amica Insurance, our exclusive insurance partner. Amica understands how important it is to protect the things that matter most to you. So they'll put in the time to make sure you're taken care of, whether it's talking through all the details of your policy or following up after a claim. Your auto, home, and life insurance are more than just policies. They're protection for the life you've built.

As Amika says, empathy is our best policy. Go to amika.com and get a quote today.

This episode is brought to you by Merrill. With a dedicated Merrill advisor, you get a personalized plan for your financial goals. And when plans change, Merrill's with you every step of the way. Go to ml.com slash bullish to learn more. Merrill, a Bank of America company. What would you like the power to do? Investing involves risk. Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner & Smith, Incorporated Registered Broker-Dealer, Registered Investment Advisor, member SIPC.

Hey, it's Mel and welcome to an incredible episode of the Mel Robbins podcast. So I was talking with my team about the upcoming holidays and we were just kind of talking about what everybody's plans were. And Cameron, who's one of the producers on the show, mentioned that she had this big trip planned. And so I said, well, that's awesome.

And then she said something so relatable, at least it was relatable to me. She said, I'm really excited about the trip, except I'm so nervous about the flight. Now that's what we're going to talk about today. We're going to be talking about nerves and fear. And more importantly, I'm going to teach you a research-backed technique that you can use that will never allow fear to hold you back again.

Because I not only want to help Cameron, I want to help you. And no matter how young you may be or old you are, I know that in some area of your life, nerves or fear are holding you back from reaching your potential or truly enjoying your life.

And after you listen to this episode today and you apply what you learn, I promise you, you're going to be way better at taking tests. You will rock any single interview you walk into. You will be able to board a plane and even enjoy the flight. And any presentation or speech that you have to deliver, you, my friend, are going to absolutely slay it.

Because I'm going to teach you how to create what I call a confidence anchor. And I'm going to use research from Harvard Business School, UCLA, and my own experience. And you're going to learn not only how to use this confidence anchor to take control and override your mind in any situation where your fears or your nerves would normally hijack you and take control. I mean, this is incredible stuff. For me personally, I first learned everything I'm about to share with you because like Cameron,

I used to be terrified of flying and it got so bad, I had no choice. I had to get a grip and I had to figure out how to get control of my fears. And what I learned after doing an extensive amount of research and what I'm going to teach you today is a total game changer. So I asked Cameron, Cam, would you be willing to come on the podcast and allow me to coach you through your fear of flying? And she said, yes.

And before I bring her on, I just want to reiterate something. This is not about flying. This conversation that you and I are going to have, this is something every human being needs to hear. I wish they taught what you're about to learn in school because the science is so simple and so profound that it changes everybody's life the second they hear about it.

I want you to stop and think about some situation that makes you nervous or afraid that you would love to conquer. And it should be something good because what you're going to learn works.

Pick something that you're afraid to do, but it's impacting your ability to perform at the highest levels. Or it makes you unhappy that you're not able to face this fear or get over your nerves. Or it's preventing you from living and enjoying a big, amazing life. And it could be anything, big or small. Maybe you can't get on a plane either, like Cameron. Or maybe you're just afraid to walk into a gym or apply for that big job.

because that big job that you want, it's gonna require you to do more presenting and public speaking makes you nervous. Or maybe it's an improv class or activating your online dating profile. It could be absolutely anything, moving away from your hometown, changing your career, whatever it may be. By the time you're done listening, nerves and fear no longer gonna hold you back from living the life you wanna live. And as you're listening, please, please keep that thing front and center.

Because yes, I'm going to be coaching Cameron on her fear of flying. And I'm going to teach her how to use a confidence anchor to take control. But I'm going to be coaching you at the exact same time. Okay, Cameron, let's talk about what's going on. So hi, Cameron. I'm great. Are you like, how are you doing? I'm feeling good. I'm feeling good. I'm excited to...

Conquer this fear. I'm curious to hear what you have to share. Okay, so tell me what's going on. So I have a pretty exciting trip planned for the holidays. I'm going to Portugal. Wow. And who are you going with? I'm going with my mom and my twin brother. And we're meeting my sister, who's in London right now, but she'll be traveling there to meet us. Okay. Okay.

I am really excited about this trip. I think it's a place I've always wanted to go, beautiful country. But every time I think about it, instead of actually having that excitement towards the trip, it's this pit of anxiety and fear around, am I even going to get there? Because I have this long flight ahead of me. Meaning, am I going to get on the plane or is the plane going to make it to Portugal?

Is the plane going to make it to Portugal? Gotcha. How many days from now is this flight? Right before Christmas. Are you feeling nervous yet? Yes, definitely. Describe what that means for you. For me, it's just like this impending doom, I guess, like this anticipation of a really...

traumatizing experience, not to be dramatic, but it's this pit in my stomach. Anytime I start to think about it, you know, my chest feels heavy. I don't know. Like my mind just goes into a million different directions and none of them are positive. They're all just what ifs, what if this, what if that,

Does it get worse the closer you get to actually having to get on that plane and take that trip? Yeah. I mean, there's always this element of denial, like I'm not actually going to do it. And then I will eventually be faced with getting on that airplane. And that is kind of when the, when it really clicks of this plane, like is not going to make it there. I, um,

like need to make sure I tell everyone I love them. Those kind of really irrational feelings come to surface at that point. So I want to tell you something. You may not know this about me, but I used to be a nervous flyer. I used to have the exact same feelings, the pit in my stomach. I would constantly entertain the thought, well, maybe I just won't go.

I used to, when I was flying home to Western Michigan to see my parents for Christmas, I would send the presents ahead because I wanted to make sure that if the plane went down and I died on that flight, that they got the presents. And it would get worse and worse and worse as the date for travel would approach. And I noticed as I became an adult and I had to book my own tickets,

My nervousness would also interfere with my ability to book the ticket because I would look at the flight options and I would feel like I was playing Russian roulette and I had to pick the right plane because only one of these planes was going to make it. And so I don't know if you feel any of this kind of stuff, but I would delay booking the flights. And the next thing you know, there are no cheap seats and now it's expensive. And so it just my nervousness

for me was more than a pit in my stomach. Does this sound familiar? Oh yeah. It's almost comical when I share, like I'm booking these flights and also have a tab open looking at every safety rating. And if there was any experience of this aircraft going down and I'm like doing this

research. And it's so strange that people don't have, maybe not strange, I'm jealous of it, but I always just assumed people went through the same thought process as me, that not everyone's panicked about if their flight is going to make it to their destination. Well, first of all, I think it's normal to have thoughts about your own mortality.

when you are in a situation where you're not in control. Second, I think most people are somewhat nervous about flying. I mean, we are climbing onto a metal tube and we're rocketing 30,000 feet in the air with a bunch of people we don't know. And then it starts to bounce around as we are hitting turbulence. And I think most people sit on that plane pretending that they're not terrified.

And that those of us that kind of talk about it, we can laugh about it. But, you know, I've always noticed, particularly now that I can afford to fly up front in the plane, the drinks are free. And I've always been struck by the fact that, Cameron, I'd say 95% of the people that are offered a free drink take it.

And like eight or nine in the morning. And I don't think it's because they're alcoholics. I think it's because they're nervous. And so I think most people are busy texting their loved ones before the plane takes off, just in case. And so I want you to understand the fear of dying is not irrational. The fear of being nervous in a situation where you have no control is not irrational.

And so don't make yourself wrong about it because that just makes it worse. Okay. Because you're now not comforting yourself. You're rejecting your own fear. Okay. And when you reject your fear, the fear gets louder. So when you get on the plane, do you feel better or are you worse? I'm definitely worse because...

It's all those thoughts coming to a head when I'm on an airplane and I don't know who I'm surrounded by. I don't know who's...

in charge of checking the airplane, like flying it, the lack of control really creeps up on me. And I think that's really where the panic just solidifies. And it's a mess from there. So how do you manage this? Can you put us at the scene of a moment when you were on a plane and turbulence hit and like you felt like the spike of nervousness? What did you do?

I wish I had a strategy that I could say I lean into. I would say rejecting that fear is more of the route I take or I kind of beat myself up for having this fear in general. I think I just reject it, which is not helpful. And then that usually fails. And then from there, it becomes usually crying

kind of like a form of a panic attack. I can directly remember after I graduated college in 2021, all my friends and I, we got on an airplane to Tampa, Florida. Super exciting trip. Like we had just...

finish the year riding this high. And everyone on the airplane has like, you know, their fun hats on. Everyone's like ordering some drinks. And then there's me in the corner, like reaching for a hand, trying to find some comfort in someone crying in the corner, like trying to do all the things that aren't really helpful, I guess, which is me just being like, Cam, like calm down. It's fine. You're fine. Yeah.

So that's my coping mechanism. So does telling yourself you're fine work? No, doesn't ever work. Does making yourself wrong work when you're nervous? No. Does telling yourself to calm down ever work when you're nervous? No. I'm going to tell you why that doesn't work when we come back.

Westin Hotels and Resorts are designed with your well-being in mind. Westin's mattress is so good, they call it the heavenly bed. It was developed with sleep scientists, which means you get an amazing night's sleep. With more than 200 destinations around the world, Westin Hotels makes it possible to keep up with your wellness routine while traveling. With signature amenities and offerings that help you move well, eat well, and sleep well, Westin Hotels makes travel an opportunity to enhance your well-being. Look forward to the rest and restorative sleep in Westin's iconic mattress.

heavenly bed. Find wellness at Westin, one of 30 extraordinary hotel brands in the Marriott Bonvoy portfolio. So Cameron, let me explain why telling yourself to calm down never works when you're nervous. Because you can be two things at once. You can be terrified and you can find the courage to face it. You can be nervous about getting on a plane and

And you can also get on that plane and coach yourself through the feelings of nerves. And, you know, it's not the fear of crashing. It's the fear of dying. When you invalidate very real fears, you make the fear bigger. And so first things first, Cameron, I want you to understand it is okay to have this fear. It's normal to be a nervous flyer.

And that can be true. And you can use simple strategies backed by science to take control in a situation when you're normally nervous or afraid. And that's what I want to teach you to do. Because I believe that this is a problem in your life because it's holding you back from doing things that you would like to do with your life.

Yeah. If you were not nervous about flying, what are some of the things that you would do in life? If I conquered my fear of flying, I think it would also have like this trickle down effect on a lot of things that I have held myself back from. And I'm so young and I want to be able to say that I've

seen more than I have. I think everyone can probably agree on that, even if you aren't young. It makes me sad to think that not only am I holding myself back from seeing places I really want to see, but going deeper than that, when I'm on the ground,

Letting that fear of, you know, not being in control, not knowing everything kind of hold me back from taking risks in my everyday life. Yeah. And I want to point something else out. It's not just about being nervous when you fly. It's the anticipation and the fact that it's also going to make the next five weeks awful.

Because you're going to be in your body feeling nervous, anticipating this flight. And so there's also something bigger. And I want to just connect the dots because I think it'll be meaningful for everybody listening. Your father recently died suddenly. Did your fear of flying and this fear of losing control get worse after he died? Yeah, 100%. I think...

any event that tests your control or basically throws out the window because I think I spent my whole life kind of latching onto that feeling and then to have it completely ripped away from me in the matter of moments it felt like, then now approaching events that I have no control over, it kind of brings back this feeling of like,

wow, I don't know what's going to happen. I don't have control over anything, which is true about life, which I, I struggle a lot with coming to that conclusion or even accepting that, um, that acceptance is really difficult. I think that I'm not going to be able to control everything in my life because

If it's a bad flight or if it's the death of a family member, I can't control any of it. - See, I think that's the bigger breakthrough for you. And it's the bigger breakthrough that we all need. That in order to enjoy your life and in order to experience all the things that you're meant to experience, learning how to be in those moments where you're nervous or you're afraid,

and flipping it so you can experience all of the incredible things that your life has to offer, like an amazing trip to Portugal. And to be able to do that, Cameron, and enjoy the five weeks leading up to it, and to be able to get on that plane and enjoy the time with your mom and your brother and be filled with thoughts of excitement about seeing your sister, and then to be able to be in Portugal and

And enjoy the time there and not be consumed with thoughts about the fact that you're going to have to fly back. Say, I knew that you did that because that's what I used to do. What would that be like for you? I mean, it would be really important. It's something that, I mean, this is why I'm so open to this conversation. And I definitely don't want that really precious time I have with my family to be tainted by the fact that I'm sitting with

anxiety about something I can't control, which is my flight home. Yep. So here's what I'm going to tell you. You can control it. You can't control what the plane does, but you can control what it's like to be in your body and your head while you're on that plane.

And you can control. How? I'm going to teach you how. Yeah, how? I'm going to teach you how. Because I used to be. Here was Mel Robbins' old strategy. You ready for nervous flyer, Mel? Like, you know, circa 1990s, early 2000s. So first of all.

If it were a beautiful day when I woke up on the day that I flew, I would have a 50% decrease in nerves compared to a day where it was cloudy, raining or snowing. If we got bad weather, windy, wind shears, birds flying, we're in danger zone and the nervousness spikes. The closer we're getting to the airport, Cameron, I'm starting to get dry mouth. I'm starting to get sweaty palms.

I get to the airport and I am literally the nicest person you've ever met in your entire life. I am like sugar on a donut with every single airport employee because I figure that if I have good karma, God is watching and that that will help me. I get to the gate very early. And when I get to the gate, Cameron, I am looking.

across the gate area and I'm looking for three particular types of passengers. The passengers I'm looking for in my gate area, I'm looking for somebody in a wheelchair, I'm looking for somebody, a man or a woman in uniform, right? So we want somebody in the military on the plane. I'm looking for somebody with a baby. And boy, if we have a priest, a nun, a monk, anybody that is of religious nature,

Boom, I'm feeling better. The nervousness has gone down a little bit because I can say to myself, if these wonderful folks are getting on the plane, God is not going to let this plane go down. And that gets me on the plane. So I get on the plane and I like to take a look to the left as we're boarding because I want to look up front in the cockpit. And you know what I want to see?

I would like to see a military crew cut on at least one of those pilots, because when I see a military crew cut up front, I take another deep breath. And by the way, if there's a woman up front, it's a double thumbs up for Mel Robbins, because I love a female pilot.

Then I get in my seat and I start firing off the text to everybody that I know and love in case this sucker goes down. And that's when the hyperventilating starts. I basically am starting to go from nervousness to anxiety and toward panic as the plane is now taking off.

As we're taking off, I'm holding my breath, right? And I'm trying not to defecate in my jeans. And then the plane does that thing after it takes off where it's like, it goes, and then all of a sudden, you know where it goes to level off and it makes that weird sound, it's like, and it sounds like it's going to fall out of the air. That's where I lose my shit. I grabbed the hand of the stranger next to me. The poor person next to me is going, oh my God, how did I get seated next to this freak?

So believe it or not, that's how I used to deal with flying until my speaking career started to take off because it became very apparent, Cameron, if I wanted to pursue my dreams, I was going to have to get on a plane several times a week. Talk about a nightmare. So I had to have a reckoning with myself because I couldn't let my fears and these nerves limit my life or derail my career.

So here's what I did. I dove headfirst into all the research around nervousness, around fear. I literally turned over books. I grabbed anything I could get my hands on. And I discovered a couple fascinating studies. I married them with my five-second rule. And holy cow, I conquered my fear of flying.

I not only conquered my fear of flying, I have rewired my brain when it comes to flying. You're now listening to a woman who went from being a complete freak on an airplane to loving flying. So much so that at the height of my career, Cameron, I was flying 150 days a year. So I'm not only not nervous when I get on a plane, I absolutely love flying now. It's crazy. You can rewire your brain.

you can overcome your nervousness and your fears about things. And I'm going to teach you the strategy that I've developed. I refer to this as a confidence anchor. And it's based in tons of research, including studies from Harvard Business School and UCLA. And when we return, I'm going to walk Cameron and you step by step through the process of creating a confidence anchor.

Westin Hotels and Resorts are designed with your well-being in mind. Westin's mattress is so good, they call it the heavenly bed. It was developed with sleep scientists, which means you get an amazing night's sleep. With more than 200 destinations around the world, Westin Hotels makes it possible to keep up with your wellness routine while traveling. With signature amenities and offerings that help you move well, eat well, and sleep well, Westin Hotels makes travel an opportunity to enhance your well-being. Look forward to the rest and restorative sleep in Westin's iconic

heavenly bed. Find Wellness at Westin, one of 30 extraordinary hotel brands in the Marriott Bonvoy portfolio. All right. So Cameron, I'm really excited. I'm going to teach you how to create and use what I call a confidence anchor, not only when you're about to fly and you're nervous, but for any single situation where you're nervous to do something. Okay. Are you ready? Yep. Awesome. It's super cool.

This confidence anchor is exactly what you need. And there are four simple steps. So step number one is you're going to think about this situation that makes you nervous. And we've already talked about that, Cameron. It's this flight to Portugal. And for you listening, you might not be afraid of flying. That's cool. Maybe you're nervous to give a presentation at work next week.

Or you're nervous to try a bar class. Or maybe you're dating somebody new and you want to cook them dinner, but you're a lousy cook and so it makes you nervous to invite them over. Or making an appointment to go to the doctor and get the tests you've been avoiding. Or opening up your bills. Or starting that awkward conversation with your boss or your neighbor. Or maybe you've been working like crazy on your business plan and you are so confident about it.

But now that you have a confirmed pitch with a VC firm next week, whoa, where are these nerves coming from? So get that situation in mind that makes you nervous. That's step one. Step number two is now I need you to come up with something about the situation that makes you excited.

Because there's always something, even if you're just excited to see yourself get past this fear. And if you can't think of something, ask someone close to you to come up with something that's exciting about this thing. So now I'm going to turn to Cameron. And Cameron, what are you excited to do when you get to Portugal?

I think the thing that I'm most excited for is to see my sister. I haven't seen her in a couple months. There's a lot of things I'm excited for, but probably the biggest thing is just to spend time with her. I love it. That's perfect. Okay, great. So you now have something related to the situation that makes you nervous that you're actually excited about. Okay. Now, number three is the most important part.

Number three is now that you have something that you're excited about, I want you to close your eyes and we're going to bring it to life. I want you to imagine the moment that you lay eyes on your sister for the first time in several months. Are you imagining the airport or a cobblestone street? Like what is the scene? Describe with your eyes closed.

What is she wearing? What happens? Describe it for us. Well, first of all, she's probably, I don't know. She's probably mad that we're late about something. But when I think about it, we're, yeah, we're in probably like Lisbon where we're going to land and probably right outside, you know, the first glance of a new city, um,

Something that is always really exciting when you leave an airport. I think that's the best part about flying is getting to somewhere you're anticipating seeing. So I picture that. I picture her standing there, probably like in some black sweater because that's usually what she's wearing. And yeah, her, I think...

seeing her face reacting to my mom, me and my brother, that's going to be like the best part. Cause I know she, even if she won't admit it, she does miss us a lot. So. Awesome. And who is she going to hug first? A hundred percent. My mom. Okay. Awesome. And how amazing. I'll probably be last. And as you stand there and watch her in her black sweater with Lisbon in the background, hugging your mom, what are you feeling?

a sense of comfort, a sense of wholeness, and a really good feeling to have us all together during like a really hard time of the year. It's going to be really special. Based on that description, you have just completed the three steps and you now have your confidence anchor, Cameron. Now to make it work, you just need the final step and that's step four. And it's super simple. When you close your eyes and you pull that image to your mind of seeing your sister,

You just say the words, I'm excited. I'm excited to see my sister.

When you say those two words, as you visualize this moment that you're excited about, it really locks in the confidence anchor. And in a minute, I'll explain the science and research about why these two words really matter. But I want to be sure that you have this etched into your mind. The black sweater, Lisbon in the background, her reaction as she sees you, her hugging your mother first.

the wholeness, the comfort, all of that that you just felt in your body, the millisecond that you feel any nerves or any fear or any negative thought come up related to this thought, you're going to close your eyes.

You can use my five-second rule to interrupt the worries. Just count backwards with me. Five, four, three, two, one. Yep. That is a starting ritual that will signal to your brain that you're not going to think about a plane crash. You are starting to think about something else. And then you are going to bring...

to the forefront of your mind, that image, that feeling that you just described. And that is how you drop a confidence anchor on these bullshit nerves and worries that have been hijacking your life. That's what a confidence anchor is. You're using your own

excitement about something that normally makes you nervous to shatter the grip that fear and nerves has on your body and your mind.

That's what you're going to do. And when you head to the airport on the way to the plane, you're going to use this same confidence anchor and you're going to come back over and over and over again to this image of your sister and the black sweater and Lisbon behind her and her hugging your mother. You're going to say, I'm so excited to see my sister.

And you're going to be so shocked because this is a technique that they researched at Harvard Business School. And the study was called reappraising pre-performance anxiety as excitement. And it's a way to flip moments that make you nervous into moments that make you excited and to keep control of your mind, body, and spirit so that your fears don't hijack and torture you. Wow.

I mean, it makes sense because I think in the moments of panic, the last thing I'm doing is thinking about anything that brings me happiness. It's always the darkest feelings, the heaviest emotions versus, you know, even just closing my eyes just now. I feel so different like sitting here. I feel like even thinking about that moment makes me happy and I

I'm excited to use it because I know I'm going to be anxious all next week, week after. So you want to know why this works? I do. Seems too good to be true. Honestly, seems too good to be true. Well, the reason why it works is

is because it taps into your body's automatic systems. So like if you research the neuroscience on this, a neuroscientist would use the term auto-nomonic. I can't even say the damn, it's like, how do you say it, Tracy? Autonomic. Autonomic. Okay, great. If you look into the neuroscience on this,

Scientists call this an autonomic response, that basically your nervous system

has a autonomic response to stressful situations. Okay, like if you're a normal person like me, you just say, "Oh yeah, if we're in a stressful situation, "we automatically feel all kinds of things," right? And so what I want you to understand is that, you know, when we're in situations that make us nervous, everybody, whether you're giving a speech or you're going into an interview or you're on a first date or you're running a track meet or you're getting on a plane or you're breaking up with somebody or you're going in for a job interview,

it is going to be automatic that your nerves take over because you're about to do something that makes you stressed out a little bit. It's requiring you to feel, it makes you feel a little bit vulnerable. But here's the cool thing. Even though you have this automatic response, because you're right, there's no way over the next five weeks you're not going to feel anxious because that's the autonomic response that your body has to this stressful thing. But here's the cool thing.

Cameron, you can control this. And the reason why you can control it is because

Your body's experience of fear and nerves is the exact same as your body's experience of excitement. And this is where we can use the science. So your automatic reaction to a fearful situation is the exact same as your body's automatic response to an exciting situation. And we're going to use this truth that your body's automatic reaction to fear is the same as your body's automatic reaction to excitement to your advantage.

So tell me about a situation that makes you excited, like just something like in your day-to-day life, okay? In my day-to-day life that makes me excited? Well, how about this? Who's your favorite musician? I really like the Lumineers. Okay, great. Guess what? The Lumineers are playing a private concert at the new private venue at Fenway Park. And you, my friend, not only have front row seats, you're going to meet them before the show. Okay. It's five weeks out. How do you feel?

I mean, now, okay, I need to ground myself in that thought. I guess like jittery a little bit, like kind of the same feeling I would have if I was playing a big soccer game or running an important race when I was younger, like the clammy hands, the pit in your stomach. Dude, we're walking into this venue. You're walking up to the front row. How are you feeling? My heart's beating fast. I'm going a million miles an hour.

Probably feeling like really on edge. Yeah. The usher is coming up to be like, okay, they're ready to meet you. How are you feeling? I'd be like, okay, okay. Like, let me collect myself. Yeah. Probably really flustered and like a little bit anxious probably. So it kind of sounds like a situation like that where you're about to meet your favorite band, which I would say, is that a positive or a negative experience?

Yeah, that'd be amazing. I mean, a positive one, obviously. Well, it sounds very similar to the way that you experience the thought of flying to Portugal. Yeah, I guess that's true. Yeah. You want to know the only difference? What? When you're in the situation that's positive, that makes you excited and you're about to meet the lumineers, your brain is telling you you're excited.

Your brain is telling you the jitters in your stomach are butterflies, and that's a good thing. Your brain is telling you your hands are clammy and your heart is racing because something good is about to happen. The only difference between that and what you experience as you think about flying to Portugal is what your brain is saying about the flight. When you start to experience butterflies in your stomach as you are about to board the flight, your brain's going, "Uh-oh, there's something wrong. This is negative. The plane's going to crash."

You're experiencing in your body, Cameron, the exact same physical and physiological symptoms when you meet the lumineers as when you board a plane. And the only difference is what your brain is saying about it.

And so the reason why a confidence anchor works is we are going to shut your negative brain down and drop this confidence anchor right on it like a sledgehammer. And we're going to replace your narrative that something's wrong with, holy shit, I'm about to see my sister. This is so exciting. It's as exciting as meeting the Lumineers. And when your brain starts to say the butterflies are positive,

You won't escalate into a panic attack. You will have taken control. How cool is that? That's pretty cool. So do you have any questions about the confidence anchor and how you're going to use it? It just honestly seems still a little bit too good to be true. I can just conquer all my fears just by flipping the way I'm thinking.

Yeah, and there's a scientific reason why this works. So they researched this at Harvard Business School. And what they did is they put people in control groups

and put them in situations that made them nervous. So they put one group into a control group where they had to run a track meet, another one had to sing karaoke, another one was in like a debating competition. And they taught one group of people to use this reframing tool where you think about something related to the track meet or the debating competition or karaoke that you're excited about.

And so this group was taught to say, I'm excited. I'm excited to run this meet. I'm excited to get up there on the stage and conquer my fears. I'm excited to go and debate because I've prepared. The people who use this simple reframing tool outperform the people who didn't.

They felt less nervous and there's a scientific reason why. Earlier we talked about the fact that there are these automatic responses that our body has to situations that are exciting or stressful. And in our case, Cameron, we talked about the lumineers and how that's exciting, meeting the lumineers and getting on a plane to Portugal, which used to make you nervous.

Just talking about those two situations created an automatic response in your body, didn't it? Yeah.

That automatic response is nothing more than a series of chemicals firing and messages firing between your brain and your nervous system. The reason why you and I get butterflies is because when the brain sends a message down to your nervous system that, holy cow, we got to get on a plane or holy cow, the lumineers are about to walk in.

Your nervous system goes, oh, got it. And immediately starts changing up the chemicals in your body. Adrenaline fires. The blood races to your head and to your heart. That's why your heart starts pounding. That's why your thoughts start to race. Now you get butterflies because the signal in your brain going to your gut just changed the chemicals in your digestive tract.

That's why we all get butterflies. That's it. And so in the situation with the lumineers, you flipped your thoughts. I'm excited to meet them. And so that explains all the reasons why you have all these changes going on in your body, why your heart is racing, why your butterflies are in your stomach. This automatic response doesn't scare you because you're thinking positive thoughts when it comes to the lumineers.

Now, when you get on the plane and your brain signals to your stomach that something's up and your heart starts to race because the blood goes to your heart and the butterflies start to flutter in your stomach because the chemical structure just changed in your digestive tract. If you have negative thoughts about the plane, a couple things happen. You start to get scared of the automatic response in your body.

and more cortisol starts to flood your brain, which is the stress hormone. It's important to understand the role that cortisol plays in making your mind spin.

Judith Willis, who is a neuroscientist and neurologist at UCLA, has researched how stress can impact brain function. And what her research has discovered is that cortisol interferes with your prefrontal cortex and its ability to function. So what does that mean?

Well, it basically means that when you have that automatic response to stress that we've been talking about and cortisol floods your body and your brain, your brain can't function properly. That's why it scrambles. That's why you will blank out before you take a test or you try to give a speech. That's why you can't get yourself to calm down when you're sitting on a plane and you're freaking out. And it makes sense. Let me give you an example. Let's say that all of a sudden right now a fire alarm goes off.

Would you be able to do a complex math problem while you're running out of a building? Of course not. Because the second that fire alarm goes off and you get that automatic stress response and the cortisol floods, all you can think about is get out of the building. Your brain and its ability to think clearly, completely hijacked.

That's why getting control of your thoughts matters because we're trying to stop the flood of cortisol from impairing your bodies and your mind. That's why this is more than just thinking positive thoughts. And it's also important that you come up with your confidence anchor and the thing that you're excited about, that visualization before you get into the situation that's stressful.

That's why this matters. And it's more than just thinking positive thoughts. It's critical that you come up with the thing you're excited about before you get into the situation. Because once your thoughts start to race and you're like, oh my God, I'm going to screw up this test or oh my God, I'm going to screw up this interview or oh no, the plane, you've already lost control.

You have to come up with this exciting anchor and this confidence anchor before you start to get nervous. Got it? Yeah. Any other questions? It just makes so much sense. You know, I always have taken the approach of calm down, Cam, kind of making myself to be the bad guy. Um,

and not really reframing it in any way just letting myself kind of soak in all the stress and anxiety uh and just kind of reprimand myself being like what the heck you know why are you not just calming down there's a six-year-old that's you know bouncing around and it's like oh i love when the plane goes up and down and it's like why can't i be like that six-year-old but

Let me tell you why. This is excellent, Cameron. Let me tell you why you can't bite by that six-year-old, because I love this analogy. The six-year-old's brain is not attaching negative thoughts to the plane bouncing up and down. As far as the six-year-old is concerned, this is exciting. That's why they're not panicking. And so the reason why in the history of telling yourself to calm down, you have never been able to calm down,

is because you are dealing with an automatic response in your body. So let's go back to the science. When you get into a situation that makes you nervous or that makes you stressed out or makes you afraid or that makes you excited, those are states in your body of high agitation. So what we're doing when we teach you to create a confidence anchor and to use excitement to reframe what you're feeling is we're taking a state of high agitation

from the negative to a state of high agitation in the positive. We're actually using the automatic response in our body to our advantage. Your brain actually doesn't know the difference between excitement and fear. That baby that's bouncing is feeling the heart racing and then the bubbles in her stomach. It's just that your brain is framing it in the negative. And the reason why this matters, Cameron, is because when you're on that plane,

If you can come back over and over and over to your confidence anchor, and if you can close your eyes in a moment of turbulence, and you can imagine your sister, and you can start to say out loud, and this is important, you've got to say to yourself, I'm so excited to see, what's your sister's name?

Sienna. I am so excited to see Sienna. I'm so excited to see Sienna. I cannot wait for Sienna to hug my mom. I cannot wait for this. If you come back to that confidence anchor, you're going to flip your brain into believing that you're excited about that moment and you will no longer be afraid. Because your confidence anchor is related to what you're doing, it's really believable. Because when you are there hugging your sister, it means the plane made it and there's nothing to be worried about. That's why this works.

When you imagine before a test yourself walking out of there going, yes, it actually makes you excited to take it. When you imagine yourself nailing the interview, it makes you excited to walk into it because your brain doesn't know the difference between a state of fear or a state of excitement. And now you know a simple trick backed by research from Hartford to take control of your mind and take control in situations where nerves normally derail you.

Yeah, that's amazing. I feel fear in a lot of different areas of my life, not when I'm just in the air. So when I'm on the ground, how can I use this tool to ground myself, even if I'm not sure the outcome of it? I love this. Okay, great question. I want you to take out a notebook and you're going to write down any single thing that makes you nervous.

Could be anything. I recently moved. Not that far, but there's a really nice yoga studio on my street that I like pass every day. And I just always think like, I need to be a part of a community of 20 somethings that are like-minded that, you know,

I just, I've always loved yoga. I've loved the community it brings, but I cannot bring myself to sign up. I just constantly think about the day I have to show up for my first class and it makes me way too anxious to even like go. This is an excellent example. And by the way, incredibly common and very relatable. So I'm really glad you shared it. So you're going to do the exact same thing. We're going to create a confidence anchor.

Because what I hear is I hear you want to do it and the nerves are keeping you back. So name something you're excited about. So like, can you pick like a coffee shop in your neighborhood that you love to go to and it's going to be your treat to get a nice latte when you're done? Yeah. Do I need to name it? Yeah, I do. It's called Thinking Cup. I love Thinking Cup. Now you're going to close your eyes. What color yoga tights are you wearing? Oh God. Maybe like...

I have this really nice light blue ones that I always like to wear. Awesome. How sweaty are you? Like, can we see through the tights? You're so sweaty. No, no. Let's not get that image in anyone's mind. Well, you know what I'm talking about? Sometimes light blue is too light blue when it comes to sweating and hot yoga.

Yeah, no, maybe like I had just done a really calm, easy practice that I'm not in my best yoga shape. So I would probably ease in with more like of a relaxing meditation based class. I love it. And as a treat, because you went to this relaxing yoga class in your light blue tights, sweatshirt tied around your waist, yoga bag over your shoulder, standing at thinking cup. What did you order?

Iced oat milk latte. Love it. Love it. How do you feel? Yeah. As you're walking out of the thinking cup, having just completed that class and treating yourself to that, how do you feel right now? Proud of myself for doing it. Awesome. There's your confidence anchor. Anytime you feel nervous, you're going to count backwards, five, four, three, two, one, to interrupt the nerves and create that starting ritual. And you're going to drop that confidence anchor.

And what's going to happen is it's going to slowly retrain your mind that you're not nervous about joining that yoga studio. You're actually excited. And when you start to practice this confidence anchor, at some point you're going to find yourself walking down the street and there's the studio. And as that wave, because remember, it's automatic, that automatic response comes up because you're about to do something new.

You get to choose whether your brain says no or yes. And using the confidence anchor in this research from Harvard in the five-second rule, you can flip that moment from one of stress to one that's something awesome.

Because you have the power to make your brain say, yes, I'm excited to do that. And I'm going to walk in today and I'm going to sign up for that relaxing yoga class. And I am going to imagine how great I'm going to feel in my hot, amazing light blue yoga tights as I sip that oak milk latte and walk out of thinking cup as my reward for getting it done. And that my friend,

is how you use science to conquer your fears and create the life that you love. And I have a feeling, Cameron, and I have a feeling for you listening to us too, that this little technique is not only gonna help you tee up and knock off one thing after another that you're afraid to do or nervous to do, whether it's jumping on a plane or walking into a yoga studio or asking somebody out or working on your side hustle,

I think what it's actually going to do is not only get you in action, I think it's going to help you reprogram your mind because I don't think you realize, Cameron, how much feeling on edge and nervous is a default for you and how much it's actually holding you back and robbing you of the happiness you deserve. I feel energized. Like I want to take back that

control, just embrace that a little bit. Yes. Yes. So yes. Yeah. You know what I am? I'm fucking excited for you because I not only see you opening new doors in your life, I see you kicking them down and marching through them.

Yeah, I'll send you a video on the plane. Oh, I can't wait. We're rooting for you, Cameron. I'm really excited for you. And thank you for being willing to come on and have this conversation because I know it's going to impact the lives of just millions of people. I know it. Of course. All right. And for you listening, thank you for being here. I want to tell you that I love you. I believe in you and I believe in your ability.

Stitcher.com.

Get ready to rack to school at your Nordstrom Rack store, because the deals are amazing. Levi's, Adidas, Volcom, and Hurley from only $20. Save on everyone's favorite denim, sneakers, boots, backpacks, and more at Nordstrom Rack. But hurry, get first dibs on new arrivals from just $20 and make it the best school year ever. Great brands, great prices. That's why you rack.