“Jimmy Kimmel: LIVE in Los Angeles”
01:00:29 Share

Testing, testing, one, two, testing, testing. Is this mic hot? Is it hot? Are we hot? Is it hot? Testing, one, two, testing, testing, one, two, testing, one, two. Oh, okay, wait, so wait. I got a really quick game. It's called Quick, Quick, Quick. And I'm going to say Quick, Quick, Quick, and I'm going to say name three something, right? Okay, so for you, Quick, Quick, Quick, name three...

Brands of soap. Dove, ivory, and Irish green. Okay, so quick, quick, quick. Name three dental problems. Go. Name three dental problems. Go. Oh, you've got an abscess, you've got a cavity, and you've got a punch in the mouth. Okay, what about you? Quick, quick, quick. Three great... Sports teams. Sports teams.

- Quick! - The birds, the dinosaurs. - No! - Okay. - God. - The dinosaurs! - Listen, let's just forget this. Let's just get down to what we came here to do. - The last show of... - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - SmartBuzz! - Smart

Oh, man! - He's still here! - Yes! Look at this! - So nice! - So fun! - You guys, it's our last... - You guys, relax, relax! - Sit down, sit down, sit down. - This guy owns the place. - Did I already see you? - This guy owns the place. He's looking to bust some heads. - Yeah. - It's our last show of the tour! - It's our last show! - Wow. - And we're gonna-- this is it!

We're so excited that you guys wasted your money to come here tonight. - A lot of money. - Yeah. - Right? - We're gonna try to put full dollar value in it. - Yeah. - We've got a pretty good guest. Not great.

Not great. Pretty good. Yeah. But we've been on the road for the last couple weeks, and we went all over the country. We started in D.C., and then we went to Boston, and then we went to New York and Chicago and Madison, Wisconsin. Huh? Yeah, for a second. We had an incredible special appearance. By? By my sister, Tracy. Tracy. Tracy.

And I think that Tracy got a warmer reception than we did. Yeah, for sure. Anyway, thank you for coming here. We're going to sit down and start the show. You get there because it's your guest. I don't care. Oh, boy. You haven't sat in the center since... Since Conan. Oh, wow. So all the way back to Boston. Yeah, thank you. This is a great interview, by the way. Thank you. No. No.

How did you get started in show business? That's a great question. I wasn't expecting it out of you. Sorry, just before I... Green. What's your favorite color? No, they know. They know. All right, so wait. I, you know, people are so nice to come backstage and they say nice things all through this whole tour. Sometimes I do think I have a little bit...

of face blindness, of undiagnosed face blindness, because sometimes I really, truly don't recognize people, and I make an ass out of myself. And so, wait, quick story. I was remodeling my house, and I came outside. Thank you. Thank you. Oh. Oh.

Oh, it doesn't get any gayer than remodeling your house. And so the, and I walk outside and this woman's walking down the sidewalk and she says, she goes, oh, I love what you did with the house. I would love to see the inside of it sometime. And I'm like, who are you? I was like, okay, like what am I supposed to do? And the conversation kind of went on. I was feeling very awkward and I go, I'm sorry, do we know each other? She goes, it's Julia, your next door neighbor of 20 years.

And then the worst comeback you could ever come up with, I go, did you change your hair? You look so different. That's gayer. That's gayer. That's definitely gayer. Oh, and another one, this is why I think I have it, because another one during Will & Grace, remember Tracy Lord's The Porn Star? Sure. No.

- No, uh... - Okay. - Did I say "sure"? - You did really quickly. - I said it pretty fast. - Yeah. - I was a little fast. Are we still rolling? Can we go back? - Yeah.

So she ventured into talking parts in acting. She talked quite a bit, actually. So she came on as a guest star in Will & Grace, and I'm such an idiot, she sat down, I literally said, oh my God, I loved you in The Hand That Rocks the Cradle. I thought she was Rebecca De Mornay.

And she looked at me like, excuse me? And all I did, I didn't even say anything. I'm like, I'm going to be right back. I've got to get some water. And I just, because somebody's like, that's not Rebecca De Mornay.

What else? Are you happy to be done with the tour, both of you? Yeah. Well, I'm happy and sad. Huh? I'm happy and sad is what I said. What's the happy part? The happy part is that... The happy part is the... You get to rest for a second. We're really searching for the happy part. No, no, no. Because he's going... Sean is about to go on the road for seven months to go do a play like tomorrow. And he's been doing all of this for his final week before... Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. That's very nice of you. Anybody here see Promises Promises? No, that's very nice of you to say. It's called Goodnight Oscar. It opens at the Goodman Theater in Chicago and then Broadway after that. So, but that's nice of you to say. No, I'm happy because I feel like it was a success. I had a great time with you guys. I feel very happy that we did it, but sad because it will be gone. Yeah, it could have really been a shit show, right? Yeah.

I mean, we didn't know what-- we still don't know what the hell we're doing. And to think that people would be engaged and entertained for a half hour or a full hour with us talking is stunning. And we might be blowing it right now, right? We were doing so good up to here. I know. It went really well. Did you black out? Did you black out for a second? I'm still out. Yeah.

But I think we may have pulled it off without a real stinker. I have one more embarrassing face blindness story. Can I just share? Yeah, of course. Let's double back. I went to the premiere screening of Transparent. Remember that TV show? Sure, sure. And it was before it was on TV. It was a special event. You could watch the first two episodes. I was like, oh, my God. I walk up to...

what's his name? Duplass. Jay Duplass. Jay Duplass is an amazing actor, right? And I walk up to him and I'm like, oh my god, you were so great. You were so amazing. And he's like, uh... And I'm like, no, no, no, that was such an incredible show. I can't believe nobody's ever tackled this subject. I just went on and on and on. And I was like, you're so great. And Scotty, my husband, grabs my arm and I was like, oh, okay, well, I'll see you later. He's like, okay. He goes, that's Molly Shannon's husband, Fritz.

And I was like, "Oh my..." And I know Fritz very well. -Obviously. -So, yeah.

And then I was like, do I say something to Molly and Fritz or do I not? Oh, my God, it's going to be so embarrassing because every time I see her, then it's going to be in the back of her head. You know what? I'm going to email her. I was like, oh, my God, Molly, I can't believe I thought Fritz was J.D. Plus. And she emailed me back. She's like, we cannot stop laughing on the car ride home. It was pretty bad. We're getting old. We're getting old and the brain starts to go. You guys are. I don't have any, yeah. You still play, you still...

I still play like 35 to 37. Right, you really do. I don't make the rules, dude. Do you have no socks on or do you have those weird sort of hide, the socks that just hide in the bottom of the shoe? No. Oh, no-see-ums? Yeah. Right? No. Prove it to me right now. Okay. Oh, uh-oh. Oh, oh. Oh.

So... 'Cause those are not a good look, those little things. Isn't that what when a woman goes to try on shoes at a shoe store, high heels, they've got those little things in there? Well, men too, dude. Well, it looks like a... No, no, no, not high heels. It looks like a... Well... But they have those little, like, temporary socks for everybody. And it's not a good look for men. You either gotta go without socks or put 'em on. Who likes the no-socks look? Anybody? Thank you. That was, like, 20 people.

Good for you. I can't pull that off. Good for you. It's just, it's a, yeah, it's a very unique look. It looks like a pump, feels like a sneaker. Um, I don't know the reference. It was a commercial where women are playing basketball on their high heels. But what was that from? It was some, it was some shoe company. I don't know. We have a lot of fun. We have a lot of fun together. We have a lot of fun with you guys, knowing that you guys are having fun with us. That's a true story. Thanks for listening to our garbage. Truly.

Truly, we really mean it when we say we can't believe it. We're truly humbled. And that you want to, you know, get involved with us and laugh at all the stupid shit we talk about. Because that's what we do all the time. And we're really happy to be back here with you guys, with our family and friends, a lot of whom are here tonight. Yeah. And so we wanted, yeah. And we wanted to do a show back here in our hometown. Woo!

We wanted to do a show that really was representative of how great we feel and how grateful we are for you guys and for our friends. So with that in mind, our guest tonight is someone that we all...

hold dear to our hearts and we love very much. He's just the funniest. He's such a good friend of ours. We just love him to death. And these guys, for the first time, we all know who the guest is because we're at the end of the tour and we've invited our really good friend, our pal, the hilarious, the kind, the generous, the amazing, Mr. Jimmy Kimmel. Thank you. How sweet. Thank you, thank you.

Oh! Oh, hey now. Yeah! Thanks. Jimmy Kimmel! I appreciate it. Hi, guys. You know, I mean, this guy knows how to do it. We got to get some pointers at least. I feel like that, I mean, that was a really nice intro. I don't think I don't appreciate it. I do appreciate it, but it did feel a little bit...

Like when somebody's inviting their cousin to your house and you're like, oh, he's such a great guy. You're loving him so much. Don't be an asshole to him. No, but the truth is that we mean it. Yeah, thank you. And we love you. Well, I love you guys too. And I have to say, this is very exciting for me because I've never seen Jason up this late.

And by the way, if at some point during the podcast he just gets up and leaves, don't be surprised. Yeah. Every single time. He makes no bones about it too, right? He'll just get up and leave. And he and Amanda will often come to dinner or whatever, we all know, in separate cars. Yeah.

So that he's got an escape pod. Last night. He lies. He's also a liar. Yeah. Sure. He lied to me last night. But it's funny that this is the big surprise. I saw you guys last night. I'm going to see you again tomorrow. I know. This is like really another day. Great merch, by the way. Oh, thanks. So great. It's subtle, right? Which mall kiosk did you get this made at?

And I have to say, I made fun of the hats, but I didn't know Zazzle was making motel keychains. I don't... Listen, we... The keychains, by the way, guess whose idea the keychains were? Bullshit! That was...

-Yeah. -They were. -Who would use this? -No, no, no. Hang on a second. I may have said-- Now it's coming back to me. I may have said key fob. -That's like a motel-- -Oh, even better. -What key fob? -You buy key fobs? What are you like, "I have a Toyota Highlander. I need a 2018 key fob"? What, like a key fob to somebody's gym? That's-- I'm gonna destroy my marriage and cheat on my wife key fob. Like, what is that? Wait, wait. What's happening? -Well, but that's like terrible. -Oh, there we go.

There's a key fob for the audience. A key fob is decorative. So last night, Jason... I left before you came. I left too. I pulled abatement, so I missed you. I gotta be... Honestly, I was surprised that you guys weren't there, and I thought, wow, this is really shitty of Jimmy and Molly not to be here tonight. Yeah, see, he took off before even I did. I was tired. We came late. It was a dinner thing. So did you. But Jason, when you were... I was walking in, and then moments later, you were leaving. Okay.

Because I heard you were there. I'm like, "No." You said, and correct me if I misunderstood this because I was trying to figure this out with my wife. You said, I said, "You're leaving, obviously." And you said, "Yeah." I said, "Is Amanda, your wife, going with you?" And you said, "Yeah, we rode together." And then you left. And then about 45 minutes later, there was Amanda. And I said, "Jason said..." She's like, "No, we came in separate cars."

I don't remember saying that. I'm not saying that I didn't. Well, wait. You never know what stage of the gummy that you're getting. Is that what happened? I was deep into the gummies. No, I just, I don't know what I'm saying when I'm leaving because I'm just trying to get the hell out of there. Yeah. And not be like the dick that's saying goodbye and wrecking the thing. I learned that from you, though. By the way, what time did you get there last night? Late. Sorry, guys, we'll be right with you. Yeah.

Jimmy, I got a... Oh, you have mugs, too. Yeah, yeah. Yo, yo, yo.

Buy all the shit you want. So, Jimmy, you were one of, you were on our show quite early on, not as early as you should have been, which was a big bone of contention, but as we explained when you were on the show, the three of us, nobody knew who to add, and it became one of those, like, well, when are we going to, well, who's going to have Jimmy on? So it was quite late. But you were on early, and you were an early... It's called being taken for granted. Yes. We can always get Jimmy. Let's take a swing at something. But you

You were an early listener, and you were somebody who had a lot of notes. I did, yeah. I still do. Now, this interview, you're out here tonight, we are interviewing you, but we really want to know what you think about our podcast. Yeah, how are we doing? So it's kind of about us. Well, I will be happy to share my notes. First of all, I love the podcast. Honestly, no kidding around. I love listening to it. It's great because...

I have to say, I don't think you need guests. I don't think that... Thank you. You need me here. Thank you. Everybody, Jimmy Kimmel. Exactly. Good night, everybody. I love hearing you guys bust each other's balls. I love hearing the stories. I love... Oh, I love when you guys pretend to use the products in the commercials. I love that. So...

You know? Wait, but, wait, are you-- I know Will's designing his own couch at home. Yeah, of course, with all form. Don't be a dick. Did you know they make mattresses now? Yes.

It's so crazy, right? They're so comfortable. Which one do I have? I've got the organic hemp stuffed with hay or something in it. You fight with your daughter over the fake Chicken McNuggets. Yeah. Did I say that? Yeah, oh yeah. Listen, the checks are clearing, you guys. Do you? Jimmy, I... You know what, the truth... Sorry, go ahead, John. Oh, no, I was going to ask a real question.

Well, I just want to just-- before we finish the commercial thing, it should be noted that we actually do legit use-- I'm not trying to buy back for the advertisers. I'm really not. But we weirdly legitimately do use a bunch of stuff. Yeah, three quarters of them, I think is fair. Yeah, we won't say which ones we do. Of course you do. Of course you do. Thank you.

We'll design these shoes on allform.com. Enter smartlist20 for a 20% discount.

Hey, they like our ad reads. Let me go through the rest of the show, and this is not something we had planned, but I do have some thoughts on it. Okay. One of my favorite moments in the show is right at the beginning when one of you introduces his guest, and the guest is sometimes fantastic and sometimes...

I mean, they're usually pretty good. You know, they're at least usually pretty good. Sometimes not so great. But there is a moment where the person who brought the guest is all on board, and then the other two are deciding, there's two things going through the other two's mind, which is, number one, if the guest is interesting, oh, oh, oh, what were they in? What am I going to say to this person? And then the other one is trying to mask your disappointment. LAUGHTER

So there's always like a moment of... There's a lot of tension. And there's also, if you listen carefully, there's a Google search going on. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. For sure. I mean, sure. You know, what are you going to do? Well, Will had the Formula, what is it? Formula 41? Formula 1? Just one. Just one. Yeah. Daniel Ricciardo, which is a great episode. Yeah. Which is like...

Yeah, and I was like, oh, oh, my God, Daniel Ricciardo. This is amazing. Ricky Ricciardo? Oh, he races cars. Oh. Yeah, it was something like that. The word car was right in his name the whole time. So...

I also believe that there's more that can be done. And I know you guys are all very busy, but I think I would love to see a segment at the end of the show where you just read emails from your listeners. Yes, we have to do that. We talked about that. Right? Done. Yeah, done. We talked about that. No, not necessarily. But have you met people? These are good people here. I mean, look at this. These people. No, these people are good.

Good save. Well, I think that was a good save. How crazy is this? I remember when you guys started this podcast, you were talking about it, and the big thing was, most of the discussion was Bateman complaining about having to pay an editor to do this. And he's like, you know, we're doing this on our own. You know, we're funding this whole thing. And I'm thinking, what are they funding? Zoom is free. Yeah.

Microphones are $400. And how much could you be paying the editor? I mean, look at this merch. I will say, you brought up a very good point. The fellas that make this thing fly, and you should thank right now, are here tonight. Rob Armjord. Bennett Barbico. And Michael Grant Terry. Stand up and say, stand up! Where are you guys? Put the house lights up. Where are you? Where are they? Where are you?

You can't see them. You can't see them. They're here, though. They're here somewhere. Without them, we'd have nothing. I like that we're like, put the house on the ground. Fuck you. And we will be right back. All right, back to the show. But what about a podcast of your own? Are you sick of talking to people? No, I don't need a podcast, but this is enough. Wouldn't you like a show where you can talk to people, though, and interview them and stuff? Yeah.

It would be fun. It would be nice to you know, what I really like to do is to plug people's projects That's my now limit passion Sirius serious when you're a kid when you were a kid you're like I just wish I could get to plug it wish you know what I wish I could tell I know there's no such thing as a Netflix yet But if there is one one day, would you would you would you guest host this?

Oh, this is the best. This is my favorite part of the show. The very -- the longest questions in the world. But not just the longest questions in the world, but also their multiple choice. And sometimes they're answered within the question. Absolutely. And the multiple choices are not A, B, C, and D. They are just A and B. But what if...

Buckle up! Could we... What about if I hosted your show for a week while you did this for a week, then he did your show for a week, you did this. Like, would you do this for three weeks and we took turns doing yours? 100% of course. All right. I'd love...

Are you sick of this already? Nothing would make me happier than hosting your show for a week. To me, you have the best job in the world. Oh, really? We'll get you a week right now if you'll commit to it. Yes, 100%. Why don't we do Smart List Month? Yeah. Right? Why not? I would love... I just...

You just look like you're always having so much fun. Do I really? Do I really? Look at this face. Does this look like I'm having fun? Is he not, like, so comfortable up there? And it's so nice to, like, sit there in bed late at night. You just kind of rock us to sleep, and we're out. And there's a...

It's a compliment. I know it's a compliment. And I would take it as I would feel very touched if I didn't know for a fact that you are sound asleep at 9.45 every night. I got one of those TiVos. You're right, he is a liar. Yeah, he's a liar. And we should have known this from when you were a child actor. We really should have known it. Now, you've been doing your show for so long and obviously... Are you talking about Bateman? No, you. And...

And I've heard rumors that you're going to be done in a year. I've heard other rumors that you're going to do for seven more years. Like, what are you feeling? Let's make some news, Jimmy. Right here, right now.

You know, it is funny how interested people in, on, like, when I'm going to leave already. Because the three of us are... No, because we hope you never leave. Yeah, that's what people say, but I think it's like, like if we were at just a party right now and you guys kept asking me when I was going to leave. Right, yeah. It would be weird. Yeah. And I feel like that all the time now. No, no, no. Is this something you want to do forever? What?

What, forever? Your show, would you do it for another, for the same amount of time you've been doing it? I want to die. I want to die. Die on stage. On stage. You want to die on live TV. Wouldn't that be the best? I mean, the ratings would be tremendous. The show...

I mean, the show itself is pre-taped, right? So what does ABC do if I die during the show? Do they air it? Do they run that night's show? Yes. Of course. Sure. And they see when they're forced. We want to see that. Of course. Yeah, they tease the hell out of it. Wait, wait. How are you dying? Um...

massive heart attack. - Sure. - Yeah. - 'Cause your chest just explodes at the desk. - Yeah. - Right. - Yeah. - I think that if you can do it during sweeps, it'd be fantastic. - Oh, that would be great. - Yeah, at the end of sweeps. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. - Yeah. - Well, what do they do? I mean, I should probably, like, set this up like a will where I tell them what my wishes are. - Right.

as if I were to die on the show. I once had an overdose of Advil on the show, where my head-- I know it sounds ridiculous, but it is possible. What's that look like? It looks like a pumpkin head. It looks like your head expands. Why were you taking it? Because it's delicious. Have you had an Advil? They're like M&Ms, you know? They're candy coated. There's a sweetness to them. Yes. And they have a magic power that makes you forget how many you've already taken. Yeah.

Did you really have a bad reaction to it? I had a very bad reaction and the show was live at the time and so I started losing my voice. I might be having it now. I started losing my voice and then my head started to swell up and by the end of the show my head was really big. Come on. And I was introducing Rick Springfield. This was some time ago. And...

I've been on a long time now that I think of it. Tracy doesn't even need to fill in on this, right? She's got it. Exactly. I did it, and then I went directly to Cedars-Sinai, to the hospital, to the ER. And they were like, what did you do? And I said, yeah. You saw Sean there. By the way, we did. I have seen Sean at the ER. Have you really? Yes!

Yeah. No, you didn't know that? No. Yeah. I took a friend of mine. I took a friend of mine, too. Right, exactly. Sometimes we have a little double date. We go to the ER with our...

Friends. The cafeteria is delicious. But, yeah, I was, like, sitting in a corner with my friend who was sick, and you were standing up there, and I was like, Jimmy? And you were like, Sean? And we're like, what's going on? And you're like, oh, I gotta go. I'm getting called in for your warm-up guy. Yeah, my warm-up guy was having a panic attack and thought he was having a heart attack, so I had to take him in his hospital. So you took Advil. And you had a friend there who was a famous person. We shouldn't mention who it was. Yeah. And they were, like... But you will anyway. Yeah.

They paid a lot of good money, Sean. Let's do it. This person was staying with me and I took her to the ER because she was having diverticulitis. Yeah, right, right. And I had a chat with the nurse and I got you guys in. Yes, you did, by the way. You know what the great thing is? That's true. The nurse let you cut ahead of some people who were bleeding. And...

You must have been a big fan. I looked at the room. I sized it up. I saw these bleeding guys. I was like, what are they going to really contribute to society? It's Thursday night at 1 o'clock in the morning. I mean, they're bleeding. They were probably up to no good. Let's get this...

Yeah, this situation. Sean, how well do you know your way around Cedars? Oh, like the back of my hand. You do? Absolutely. For real? Yeah, because I get, here we go, I get AFib, right? So you know what atrial fibrillation is, right? Where your heart goes like this.

Yeah, it's actually... I don't know where we're going. It goes like this. And so I'm like Norm from Cheers. I just go in there like, hey, Sean, come on right in. And they put Probe of Fall in, which is fantastic. And then they chikonk, they knock my heart back, and I go home. And it happens all the time. They do that? Yeah, they do that. Yeah, one time it happened in New York, and they put me out, and I don't think they gave me enough. And I'm not kidding. They went chikonk, and I woke up, and I go, this is amazing! Yeah.

Yeah, I thought it was the most incredible feeling in that moment. Sean, do you have a nickname? Sean, do you have a nickname? No, what would my nickname be? Well, because I feel like I just came up with a great nickname for Sean. Is it Paddles? It's Paddles. It's Paddles. I mean, come on. Do they say clear like they do in the movies? I don't know. I'm out.

I'm out. But I did say... You have a set of panels at home. No, no. But I did say... Maybe I said this on the podcast. I don't know. But I... So I...

But the last time I went, this is fascinating. Forgive me if I already told you this. I went in there, and this is unbelievable. It's never happened to me before. I'm there, and my heart is pounding. And I'm getting ready to go under, and the doctor says, okay, it's going into your veins now. I was like, oh, my God. And I start shaking, which is a whole other story, because I have a side effect, so I'm going like this.

like it'd be paddle shakes or something and so he's like just try to relax I was like okay and then the nurse goes did you feel it and I go what she goes the procedure I'm like what she goes yeah we already did it I'm like what are you talking about I like transport I time traveled it was like 20 minutes it was I've never experienced that that's paddles for you wow

That's classic paddles. I was trying to work on a joke like the first time Bateman got laid that she was either like, what, it already happened? You know what I mean? But I'm not doing that. Speaking of Bateman getting laid, I just want to say this. Jason Bateman might be the most interesting person I know. I'm not joking. First of all,

I think my wife would disagree with that. You hear little bits and pieces of the tales of the old days which I was not around to witness, but it's like, you know, it's like you did play Teen Wolf and it's like there was a... Two. Two. Also. Also. Also. Teen Wolf also. Yeah, it was T-double-O. It wasn't T-W-O. It was also.

In a way, you are Teen Wolf because on, you know, you appear to be normal and then there's this other guy who's this raging maniac, right? Right?

Yes, right. You never met the maniac. I did meet the maniac, but I didn't know the maniac. The maniac may have been doing something illegal backstage on the... Oh, you did meet the maniac. Yeah, I met the maniac, yeah. Oh, God. I just didn't know why the maniac was the maniac. You understand what I'm saying? I think so. We got paddles. Maybe Coke Wolf will be the character. Oh!

Will be the character from now on. But that aside, I mean, that's a whole thing just right there, but... Oh, I remember that. I was there that night, too, with Andy Dick. Were you there that night? Yeah. Wait a second. With you, dude. Wait, are you being serious? On my kid's life, we went there together? Sure we did. We must...

We must dig up that clip of your interview on the show that night and watch it together and perhaps do it on the podcast so others can enjoy as well. This reminds me of the other time, I think we've already told this on the podcast. Did we talk about the first time that I met Jason? And he said, no, second, we were doing Arrested Development and he's like, man, I wish we'd just, this is when he was still partying, he was like, I wish we'd just

partied together once now because you don't party I wish we just partied together because Will had shut it down I was still a year or two away from shutting it down I go we did and he's like what are you talking about like five years ago we went out we had a big night with a friend of a friend and he had done this show and I remember he was so cool because we went to this bar we got all hammered and then he like not cool but he got in his car

And he sped away and I was like, "This guy's a badass." You know? He didn't give a shit he had a candle on his dashboard. - So bad. - He had a lit candle on his fucking dashboard. - Yeah, wait a minute. What? Wait. - I swear. I know. Ask any questions you want. Go ahead. Why? - Yeah, why? Why did you light a candle on your dashboard? Were your headlights out? - I don't know.

I don't know. There was-- I was driving a vehicle that had a dashboard that had a little cutout on top of it that just screamed, "Put a regal candle on me." - That's incredible. - And that was just my roadie candle. A fucking idiot. And I would light that thing,

and it would be blazing on my dashboard while I'm driving when I shouldn't so that the cops can see this dick's got a candle. I got to pull... It's so stupid. Every night. By the way, instead of mugs, instead of keychains, maybe dashboard candles. That's the smart list. There you go. You sell a lot of those. You're right. That's a great idea. So, even the drugs aside, whenever I mention...

some weird random celebrity to Jason, it's become like a game that I don't know that he knows I'm playing. It's like a Bateman roulette. He has a great story about everyone. All the time. And actually, right before the show, we were upstairs and somebody mentioned that Jason right now, just because he's... Look, he's so handsome. We love him. Yeah.

And with his haircut right now, he's about to get a cut that he looks like Christy McNichol. So we said, and so of course, the obvious question is, as we're all laughing is, oh, by the way, hey, Bayman, do you know Christy McNichol? That's a legitimate question. He didn't, but he admitted that he had a huge crush on her. And then he had a dream about it to get this. He had a dream about her.

And then he went jogging with his dad that morning after his dream, and he let his dad go ahead because as he was jogging, he was weeping. It's like sixth grade. Yeah, because... I had it bad. Crying. Anyway, I don't know, man. So now I grow my hair out like her. So... You went jogging with your dad? Yeah. I was... Right, Sean? I love that's your takeaway instead of the crying. Yeah, I know.

I don't know. I'm trying to imagine myself jogging with my dad, and I'm not seeing anything. By the way, me too. Yeah. Yeah. Wait. Your dad... Yeah. Your dad did go jogging. He just went in a straight line. Still jogging. Still jogging. Still running. Still running away. And I can't catch up to him. So, um... So, anyway, so you've got all these random people. So I wrote down some names, and I just figured I'd throw some by you. Oh, my God. That's great. You didn't know any of them.

Mr. T. I knew him pretty good. Wait a minute. Lay it out. I don't know that. You did? He knew him pretty good. No one knows him pretty good. Well, not great. Not great. Well, the first place my head goes to, child, adult. Why hanging out? My...

My mom became friends with... Mrs. T. She was really good. She was tight with Mrs. T. Sure, go ahead. My mother became friends with some personal trainer. She met on a plane. She was a flight attendant. And he was Mr. T's trainer. And then Mr. T and I met, and then we rekindled when he was guesting on Different Strokes, which I was filming next door to. I know.

And that was sort of... Fantastic. You know, so that qualifies. You know, I once saw Mr. T. I was getting on a plane in New York to come here years ago, and there was like a jam up at the front door, and it was because Mr. T. and Flavor Flavor were talking in the aisle really loudly. It was an incredible... Is that true? Yeah. It was an incredible moment. He probably wanted to know what time it was. Well, he pitied the fool. He didn't know what time it was. Go ahead. All right. Bill Cosby.

Be careful.

Pass. No. I knew him only from when he was starting the Cosby show and we were in New York doing all the up front sales for stuff. I was on a show that was on NBC. Cosby show was on NBC. We were at the same table together and we talked and we had a good time. These are boring stories. I don't have any dirt on those guys. I didn't say they're good stories. I said he knows these people. Wait, so did you know him for a long time? No, no. Okay.

One conversation, one table, a professional event. Okay. Next question. What about OJ? Simpson, specifically. Um...

No, but we were, I was at that Buffalo Bills game that where he was on the sideline doing the reporting with the, when he was wearing the shoes that they zoomed in on. And I was there because I was buddies with Jim Kelly at the time. And he was playing quarterback. You were buddies with Jim Kelly? Yeah, this is getting better. Yeah, there's a good story there, but we don't have time.

Ronald Reagan. You ever meet Ronald Reagan? I did not. Oh, okay. I was gonna go wild. I know. All right. Janet Jackson. Oh, yeah. I went to school with Janet Jackson. Are you serious? We went to... We went to... On the Universal lot? Close. Close.

I went to this poor excuse for a school called Valley Professional School where kids who are trying to make it in show business go because it's only from 8 to 12 so you can go do auditions after 12. And it was like in a mini mall

deep in the North Valley, and she went to school there. Some ice skaters went there. And that was just before the following year I went to a school called Heartlight, where... Neil Diamond School. Turn on your heart light. And this school, this had nothing to do with Janet Jackson, but it's a good story. This school was very progressive, such that there were city days and country days. And the country days, you went to this dude's house in Calabasas...

I had the greatest parents in the world, you guys.

So you go to this dude's house Monday, Wednesday, Friday out in Calabasas and you do some school. There's only like six kids in the whole school. And on city days, you get onto this bus, a full school bus, that the back half was converted into school desks and the front half are regular seats because you would go and you'd visit all the cultural sites in Los Angeles. But because we're in Calabasas and the traffic is so bad, you can do schoolwork in the back of the bus on the way to these fucking things. And I think we paid... My parents paid...

My mom-- They didn't-- I paid for this shitty experimental school that wasn't accredited. And so, this is why I'm so stupid. Listen to the schools I go to. Wow, so did you and Janet hang out? Like, were you friends or-- We were pretty friendly. That's nice. This was great. Like, if you were to call her now, she would answer-- We'd have funny stories about Valley Professional School. You would? Yeah. When was the last time you spoke to Janet Jackson? It was sixth grade.

No way, really? I think so. Sean and I did a, I did an episode of Will & Grace with Sean and I played one of her background dancers. Yeah. That was a good episode. No, but Sean and I had a dance off. Yeah. How'd that go? Let's go. No, God, no. I don't remember. Let's go.

I don't remember, but Sean has so many. Five, six, seven, eight. Boom! But you know what? That was right after Nipplegate, right? And so that was nice of her to come on because it wasn't the best time for her. We'll be right back. And now, back to the show. Lucille Ball. Did you meet Lucy? I did not. Oh.

I did. How old do you think I am? And then you ran... I'm not suggesting you were in school bus school together. Yeah. Um... School bus school... Never met Lucy. Never met Lucy. All right, one more. Yeah. Hulk Hogan. Never. Never. Wow. Never. Wow, you've disappointed everyone. Sorry. Let me just toss in the same area. Lou Ferrigno. Yes. LAUGHTER

I have a story about Lou Ferrigno when you're done. I played the Dodgers, the greatest baseball team in the history of sports. Wait a minute. Why would they be the greatest baseball team in the history of sports? Wouldn't they just be the greatest team in the history of... I haven't had a great education, Jimmy. Oh, all right.

So, the Dodgers have this great celebrity baseball game every year, and I was lucky enough to play in it one year, and I somehow closed my eyes and put the bat on the ball and hit a gapper into right center field. Lou Ferrigno was playing right field, and I hit it right past the sprinting Lou Ferrigno. It hit the wall. I hit it off Tony Danza, by the way.

And Lou threw a seed back into the infield. There was a play at the plate. I got an inside-the-park home run at Dodger Stadium. It was pretty good. Wow. Wow. But that's a legit Lou Ferrigno story. Yeah. You're telling me you hit a line drive into right field and managed to get all the way home and there were no errors committed? No. Lou had real skills. Now, Jonathan Silverman may have overthrown the home plate, but...

Did we give you that hat and that motel keychain? I don't know if he gave it to me. It was sitting in a pile in the room, in the prison cell you had me in before...

I came out here. Oh, everyone's so like, they can't see you. If they see you, they cannot see you. But meanwhile, back to the critiquing of the podcast. Okay, yeah. There's this big mystery of who the guest is going to be. And, you know, it's like, oh, there's so much mystery. Meanwhile, when we're listening, the name's right there on the phone. I know, but it's...

No, no. It's only a mystery to you guys. It's not a mystery to us. But that's kind of the fun. There's no mystery for us. Okay. Oh, there's no mystery for them. For us, there is. Yeah, right. For the listener. Right, right. Oh, yeah. For the people listening, there's nothing. But for you guys... Yeah.

All right. It's a real rush. It's a really good point. Okay, okay. Except on tour. It's something that we... I thought about that, but what do you want us to... We can just take the name off. Do you guys want us to take the name off so you don't know? No, no, no, no, no. Fight it out. Fight it, guys. No, wait a minute. But it was an idea born of laziness, and Will and I were trying to remember whose idea it was. You're saying it's yours. I can't remember who it was, but it was basically like...

It was yours. Because we didn't want to do any prep. You know, we're just like, if I don't know who it is, then I'm going to ask really organic questions as opposed to thinking them through. Organic is a great word for it. What does it mean? I hear it all the time. No, wait a minute. You didn't learn that at a stoplight? You guys... Hey, guys, this is a long light. So...

In World War II, you guys vacation a lot together. Or not a lot, but sometimes you guys vacation. We do. Do you have any kind of crazy Jason Bateman stories from vacation? Crazy? I mean, all he does is listen. I'm going to take a lot of fire. What about some funny stories about this guy? I'm normal. I'm normal. He's pretty normal. Well, I mean, yeah. I mean, there are certain things that... I mean, it's interesting that you can be so tan in...

In December. In February. In England. In England, under an umbrella. And then you say you're not using any kind of a tanning cream. And to prove it, and this is the best thing, he makes us look at his feet.

You know what I feel like right now? We're going to find some weird sex thing about you that you're really into showing women your feet or something. And we'll go, oh yeah. He used to do that with the tanning thing. And then even when we did the Smartless podcast at the Orpheum, he took off his shoe and he quickly showed his foot to everyone. LAUGHTER

He can't stop. I legitimately don't do anything weird. And I'm probably very sort of boring in that way. And yes, you show the feet because people who get spray tanned, and I know some people who have had it done. Who? I'm not going to say Justin Theroux on the stage. Why would I fucking say it? Because then he's going to hear about it and he's going to be mad. So I'm just like, not going to say it, not on the show.

And you can see streaks on your feet. Yeah, like full Giuliani on your body. He's got to say, you'll never catch Justin Theroux in the rain. You'll never see a photo of him in the rain. Can't do it.

But I've gotten to the point now where people say you're tan and I just say thank you. Oh. But I have like a real farmer's tan now. It's like a golf tan. Oh, yeah, you're a real farmer. I know. Yeah. Like a gentleman farmer. I was thinking, what was I thinking about? You said one of your stories. Did I tell you? Rick Springfield. Yeah. Did I tell you guys, did I tell the story on the show about Rick?

Made me think of Bruce Springsteen. Did I tell you about meeting Bruce Springsteen? No, everybody confuses us. Yeah, he even made a song about it. They call me Bruce. So this is years ago. I was in New York at Barney's on like a Wednesday. This old clothing store on the Upper East Side of New York at like 11 o'clock on a Wednesday. There was nobody up there. And I see Bruce Springsteen in there. Oh, yeah. Clothes shopping. And he's not obviously going to try stuff on in the change room. He's just got like a pile on the counter of clothes.

and he's just going to take it all home with him, and then, I guess, send back whatever he doesn't like or doesn't fit or whatever, right? So, legitimately, just the two of us. So he puts it on there, and then there's a guy working at the counter, and sees, and Bruce Springsteen says, hey, can I just, I just want to put this on my account. That's a great Bruce Springsteen. Thanks, man. Thank you. If I close my eyes, it's like I'm at the store with you. And he says...

And the guy goes, no problem. And he grabs the phone and he goes, hi, I've got Rick Springfield here. True story. And I was just behind Springsteen as this happens. And he goes, Rick Springfield, you want to? And to his credit, Springsteen goes, it's Bruce Springsteen.

And the guy's like, "I mean, Bruce Springsteen," and then hangs up. And then he was-- and he kind of laughed, and he turned to me, and he just said, "My kids would love it. It's fine." The guy was so fucking mortified, but... - Wow. - Yeah. - Got all the clothes for free. - It was a great moment. Great moment. - That's pretty good. - Yeah. - And that's what closed Barney's. - That set it down. That story closed Barney's. - Yeah. - Yeah.

Now, you're having us over tomorrow for Super Bowl. Very nice of you. Thank you. You used to have a lot of football gatherings every weekend. Why did that stop? Did Molly get pissed off?

No, no. Actually, my cousin Sal, who kind of organized the whole thing, took mercy on me because I was spending the whole day Saturday preparing for the Sunday. Meaning you cook because Jimmy cooks everything. Yeah, because I cook everything. The most incredible cook ever. It's insane. And then Sunday would be me feeding those animals. Right. And this went on for like 11 years, and finally he's like, this is enough. This is too much for you. So you like cooking for that many people. Don't you like maybe taking a break and having somebody cook for you?

Like, do you always do that? Oh, yeah. Sometimes I go to restaurants even. What do we got tomorrow? What are you cooking up tomorrow? Tomorrow, smoked pastrami, smoked chicken wings. My mother's making a vegan chili. The greatest mother. I'm making a big sandwich that has grilled zucchini and melted cheese and arugula on it.

Ribs. Can we do part of that with no zucchini in the sandwich? Yeah, can you take the zucchini off? Just if I can make a request? Yeah. No problem. Just on a quarter of it? Yeah. Now, is half of that marinating right now? Like, did you prep today? I grilled the zucchini today, yeah. Okay. You toss it out. I learned...

Wait, but wha- wha- what? Who makes a- what? I've never even heard of a- Look at how mad you are. Why are you so mad? He gets so mad. Because I- who's heard of a zucchini sandwich that's so- You know why? 'Cause he's hungry. He needs popcorn. What? He's hungry. Why- who's ever heard of a zucchini sandwich? That's terrible.

But you know what? Look, he gets so-- he hasn't had anything to eat for like 45 minutes. Yeah. You know what I mean? My blood sugar's dropping. First of all-- Yeah. I gotta get him some food. Great, because I made it for you, number one, because you eat like a princess. Yeah.

I'm gonna have, I'm gonna go outside my comfort zone tomorrow. Do you want me to get you some popcorn? No, I had a bunch of, I'm not gonna crap for a week. Let's get some popcorn. Can we get some popcorn? Can we get some popcorn? Maybe some popcorn. Thanks, man. Thank you, honey. Oh, this is great. Thanks so much. Just bring it right over here. Thank you. This is a good friend of ours. Hold on, who's that? Wait, wait. Jennifer Aniston! What? Go this way. Talking to this. Looking a little snacky, JB.

And Will? Yeah, he's looking snacky. Give me your shoes right now. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You want my shoes? No, because then I'll have to be shoeless. Yeah. No streaks. Yeah, but there's zero tan on those feet. Zero tan on the feet. Okay, yeah, I don't need it. Jennifer Aniston! Jennifer Aniston! Oh, my God, Jenny!

I thought I heard that laugh backstage. Jen, will you grab me a sparkling water, please? By the way, it's so funny because it was very nice when you guys applauded when I came out and when these guys came out, it felt like real enthusiasm and it definitely made me feel good. And then Jennifer Aniston comes out and you're like, oh, we're a bunch of fucking slugs. The best. The best.

There you go, buddy. Alright, so I'm gonna go outside my comfort zone tomorrow. I'm gonna have ribs. Yeah. I'm gonna have... what else? What else is off the cow? You're not gonna have any of these things. Let's be honest. You're gonna sit there and pretend to be eating. No, no. I... So you can imagine... To be fair, what about last night? I mean, I was just a shit pig last night. I put everything in me last night. I... yeah. If you're videoing this... There's almost always a better way... If you're videoing this illegally, please put that... just that clip on the internet.

I put everything in me last night. Thank you. Thank you in advance. And then follow it with, do I have 2B? Yeah. Hey, you want to know what? Yeah. This is true. We told some other people before. 2B, since December, this is not a joke, has gone up 40%. Yeah. It's true. It's true. But what's 40% on 2B? It's like eight people? Who's going to win the game tomorrow, Jimmy? I don't know.

Um, well, I don't know. Wait, wait. Do you know who's playing tomorrow? Of course I know who's playing. Who? Well, the Bengals and the Rams. All right, good. Or as everyone says all the time, the Bengals and the Rams. As if Susanna Hoffs and the gang are taking on Matt Stafford. I mean, it's ridiculous. Bengals and Jaguars. Those are the two things that just make every hair on my body stand up when I'm watching football.

I want to get back to Bateman's eating for one second. Yeah. And that is the title of his new book, Jason Bateman eating for one second. When we were on the road, the food shame was off the charts. Oh, really? Oh, constantly gauging, what are you having? What are you eating? I'm not going to have that now. It's way too late. It was crazy. Right, John? Well, I get nightmares if I have it too late.

You eat too late, the demons come. He's the king of like, hey, I'm going to order some dessert. I'm not eating any dessert. Three, two, one. What do you got there? Yeah. Yeah.

You started, I finish it. He just used that term. He said he was doing the ordering for the room service. We all stayed in the same room on tour, every city. It was such a mistake. And every night, and so Jason's ordering dinner one night, and he's taking the order from all of us, and then he goes, he's got the person on the line, and then he goes, and he turns to Sean and goes, what do you want, shit pig? No.

And the person, like, imagine is like, what the fuck is going on up there? And I'm like, I said, I'll have the spare ribs. And he goes, yeah, the pig will have some spare ribs. It's all good fun. It is all good fun.

See, you can resist the popcorn. I love it so much. Skinny Pop, the best popcorn in the world. Where's the camera? Not a sponsor. Speaking of fun, Jimmy, it's been so fun having you. Thank you for coming and doing this. Jimmy Kimmel! No, no, I'm fine. I'd like to watch the rest of the show. We love you. We thank you. You're the best. Well, thanks. I know. You know what?

Thank you for doing it. I appreciate it. I appreciate all of you for coming here tonight. And I also want to make one more comment about the show. Yeah, go ahead. Go ahead. Thank you, Jen.

You guys realized... You can't do the rest without shoes? Go ahead, Jimmy. No, I love the show. I'm glad that I feel like it's so exciting to see all these people come to see you guys do this, which really came out of just a very private conversation between the three of you and then a sometimes really good and sometimes not so good guest. And...

And it is I'm so happy for you and I hope you guys are appreciative of this of the magic that this is because it is a magical thing. These people are here and to hear the way the dismissive way you talk about them off the air is just I just find it offensive. I know me too and I tell them all the time. I find it very offensive. I'm with you. But these are the best. Yeah, these are the best. They're the best. Yeah.

Thank you, buddy. Thanks, guys. Thank you, everybody. Well, nice going. Really nice going, right? We just wanted to... It was so fun having somebody who's important to us out here for the last night. You guys are here at the last show of the tour. Yes, thank you.

Thank you for being here. I've said it to Jimmy's face on his show. I say it all the time that he's one of the kindest. He really is everything you think he is. He's one of the kindest, most generous people in the business. We all love him. And something you should know. He said if any of our guests dropped out on this tour all over the country over this last week, week and a half, he says, I will get on a plane and I will fly there and I will sit there. I swear to God. True story. And...

Yeah, he jokes around a lot, but he does really have, he's just got such a squishy sort of center, and he's always the first, yeah, he really does. He's like the guy who will just always offer to help or do whatever. It's amazing. On top of being incredibly hilarious and just super, super. And a gorgeous hard candy shell on the outside. Yeah. Yeah. Back to food. So. Yeah. You've got to get that looked at. Yeah.

But anyway, so thank you guys so much. I mean, it's just been incredible. I'm not, no. I feel Sean thinking right now. There's a fucking smoke coming out of his ears trying to think of a vibe. You know what he's trying to do. No, he's, she... I just wish, you know, I just wish we could have spent more time with Jen. You know? But it was so nice to be here. Get out of here! Get out of here!

Come on, yeah! Just say, just say, hi. Hi everybody and thank you for coming. Hi, hi everybody, thank you for coming. And, and if you were... Okay, I think this has been really a lovely, lovely evening and I wish I could just come up with something, something sort of, something to say, simple. Something like, like, something. Oh, like, like, bye! Bye!

It's thank you, LA. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

If you like SmartList, you can listen early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by filling out a short survey at wondery.com slash survey.