"Kumail Nanjiani"
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So, listener, this is a threesome intro. Let's not call it that. Can we not call it that? Well, I think it's safer to call it that so that there's no surprises. Let's label it as dangerous as possible. Let's establish some rules and then enjoy the threesome.

Should we say our names in the threesome? It's better not to know your names. What would your safe word be? Well, let's just start by cutting all these lights. I just know that darkness is usually the best. Just let whatever happens, happen.

Yeah. My safe word is chicken and waffles. Chicken and waffles. Okay. And this is very dark in here now. This is great. Okay. And I will just, mine will be Constantinople. And what about yours, friend? Ooh, that's handsy. Was that you? I'm done. You're already finished.

Huh. Well, then let's get to the show. Here's Smartless. Sean, now you were going to say something of great importance. No, I just said I have two openers. I could tell you about my colonoscopy or we could talk about Scotty's birthday today.

What do you mean two openers? Do you think about what you're going to talk about before we come on air? Well, just before I came on, I was like, oh, it's Scotty's birthday, and I wanted to tell you about my colonoscopy. You don't have to call them openers. Okay. First of all... I know you hate that, Jay. You hate that. Guys, let's not fight already. Let me just say this. If you can't decide whether to talk about your husband's birthday or your colonoscopy...

Then you guys are in trouble. They are synonymous. Well, they're very. I mean. Anyway. When was your colonoscopy? How did it go? Wait, can we pick? Well, colonoscopy is really fast. I mentioned this to Jason the other day, and he's like, you got to tell this on the podcast. So when I had earlier this summer, I had my colonoscopy, and I was like, I got to think of something right before I go under. Why do you have to think of it? Because you want to entertain the group? I just want to go out on a joke.

Go out on a joke. In case you don't come back, you want to be able to do the last thing that you made doctors laugh. Yeah, I got it. It's kind of like you opened, you thought about an opener for today. Can't understand what you're saying. You thought about an opener for today, so you were thinking about a closer for your colonoscopy. Keep going. And now chew. Go ahead, Sean. And chew.

No, so, you know, I was in the little operating room. There's like two nurses, the doctor, the anesthesiologist, whatever, and you're on your side with your ass hanging out, bare ass, and I go, let me know when the propofol goes in, you know, the anesthesia. And they go, okay, it's going in. And I go, and they go, count backwards from 10. And I go, 10, 9, whatever you do, don't touch my asshole. And then I was out. Yeah.

And did you ask for a review of your joke when you woke up? Great question. Did it work? Nobody cared. But did they laugh? I think I heard a couple of chuckles as I was leaving. Don't you touch my ass. Imagine the jokes they get. I know, I can't even. The jokes that accountants decide to make in those moments. Or Sean. Or Sean. I remember being real lippy when I woke up and still kind of somewhat inebriated from the anesthesia. I made some...

Some inappropriate jokes to the doctor there. He's a professional. Don't you sleep really well after that though? I love it. Yeah.

So how were things? Did they chop anything out? Everything's fine. He said you might want to think about losing a couple pounds. No, he didn't. Did he really? Yeah, yeah. What? You're not happy. It's such a long story. I had an endoscopy too and I have like a tiny, what is it called? What does that mean? Something through the mouth? You know, they look down your throat to look at your stomach as well as your asshole. Did the two cameras meet somewhere in the middle or like around your stomach? No.

Yeah, we got coverage. We got coverage on both sides. Do they have a special camera that can get through chin-chin food laying in the stomach? That can burrow it? Thrash through a few dumplings? Yeah.

What? Yeah. No, anyway. How is hypochondriactor going? Good, really well. Because I feel like we're on an episode right now. I know, forget it. Let's move on. No, let's not move on. Let's move on to your husband's birthday. Yeah, no, it's good. Thank you very much. What did you get Scotty for his birthday? So I got him, you guys are going to love this, I got him some Ray-Bans. A colonoscopy. Yeah.

I got him some Ray-Ban sunglasses. He wanted some Calvin Klein underwear. He wanted Viore shorts because he loves the ones I always wear. You got him shorts and sunglasses? Yeah, Viore. He wanted Viore shorts. But this is the greatest thing. He wanted the Godfather trilogy 50th anniversary 4K. Oh, my God. You got him VHS tapes, shorts, and sunglasses. I would punch you in the face, then break up with you. They're not VHS.

I called Sean the other day. I called Sean the other night, and they were having friends over, and they were watching Rogue One. Yep. You know why? Because you had 13-year-olds over? Because they couldn't be more bored. Because they couldn't be more bored. Is that why? Is the answer? Because they couldn't be more fucking bored? Such a good movie. I love that movie. Okay. And then because we were getting ready to watch Andor, which is the prequel to Rogue One. How does one get ready? Is there like hamstring stretching? You watch the Rogue One. Andor. Oh, yeah, I heard about that. I like to refer to No But.

As in, are you going to watch it? No, but that's because I'm a fucking grown-up. I can't wait to watch it. I can't wait for you to steal that joke at your next bore fest. I can't wait for the fucking... Oh, my God. It's so early. I feel like we're on tour again. I know. I feel it's terrible. And we're eating, and then we're just lazy. Oh, God. Okay, here we go. Just one eating.

This fellow was not born in this country today. Oh, let's get to the guest. In college, he double majored in philosophy and computer science, and he comes from a family of doctors. What? Yeah. He really broke the pattern, though, when moving to the United States to pursue acting and comedy. One of his inspirations when breaking into comedy was Hugh Grant's performance in Four Weddings and a Funeral.

Well, now he's inspiring me and the masses because he's a freaking comedy genius. Please welcome the brilliant, Oscar-nominated Kamal Nanjiani. No way! No way.

Hey, guys. Wow. Wait a second. Look at this fella. This is Will's co-star. Wait a second. Wait a second. How's it going? Really good. Is this as exciting as Ewan McGregor? Camille. Wow. Only the beginning. This is so on brand for Camille now because he's going to put us in a tough spot. He came out with a question, which is what I love about him.

Because he never rests. Wait, so have you guys, do you guys all know each other? Because Kamau, we've never met. We've never met. Kamau and I, Kamau and I did, Kamau very kindly did season one of Murderville and he was, I got to say this, you were brilliant. Very much so. I will.

I will really thank you. I had such a great time. What a great idea for a show. And for those of it for Tracy, if you haven't seen it, it's the, it's a scripted show except for the guest. And me and Jason just experienced this cause we were just on the guest has no lines, no knowledge of anything that's going on. So they kind of have to go with will who guides you through the episode.

That's right. Based on an English show called Murder and Successful created by the brilliant Tom Davis. And we were lucky enough to come and bring and do our version here in Camille was in season one. And how did you enjoy it?

I had a great time. It was thrilling because you really, it's like, and you guys don't cheat at all. So in between takes, I'm in a separate room, nobody's talking to me. Will, you didn't talk to me as well until we wrapped. So I really had like, you really sort of have no idea. It's action and you walk into a scene and

It was thrilling because I didn't have to sort of prepare. And sometimes, you know, I get like nervous about that stuff. But it was great. And it was honestly, I was kind of trying to like paint you into a corner a bunch of times. Well, yeah. And you wouldn't have it. It was really impressive. You can't beat Terry Seattle. It was really tough. I really was like there was one moment off camera where I was like, I got him.

fucking got this guy. What was the moment? I don't remember what it was exactly, but I remember being like, I was just riffing with you off camera and I said something and I was like, watch him wriggle out of this. And then I did. You got out. Infuriating. Oh, is when you asked me to do an impression of you. No, that was on camera and that was very funny. That was very good. But I got, but experiencing it on my end, I truly, I'm not just saying this, there's no one more brilliant at improv and moving things along than Mr. Will Arnett. Oh,

And Jason Bateman. Thank you, Sean. It's true. It's true. You know who Vince Vaughn is very, very good at? Yes, he's awesome. I will say that. Well, we don't need to get into other people who aren't here. I'm just saying, you know, we're going to have like... Peter Sellers was good too. Hey, listen, but...

Kumail, so these guys, Sean and Jason... Those are the three greats of improv. Will Arnett, Peter Sellers, and Vince Vaughn. Fine. Mount Rushmore, if you will. Kumail, these guys came and did it just recently. Sean and Jason did. We're doing a big Christmas special, holiday special. And we had a lot of fun. They got to see firsthand. Jason was sequestered for two days in a trailer with no Wi-Fi.

Yeah. Or water or food. Yeah. I thought that was excessive. I know. I mean, you can take me to set in a blindfold. That's fun. Hey, look at this. Yeah. But keeping me in a hole without any food or water, I don't understand how that foments comedy or good feelings, good energy. Yeah.

I wanted you to be hungry. You know, one needs just the basics. Sure. Well, listen, you made it through. I don't know how hashtag we're in this together and hashtag blessed, but I do want to... I have a question for you two. Did Will talk to you as well, or was he tarried the two days until you wrapped?

He was a little Terry. He was a little Will. He actually did a very, very good job of being the boss over there, the producer, and making sure everybody was okay and doing well. That was awesome. I could have been better. Yeah.

No, you could not have been better. I've never seen you work so hard, and you've worked hard the whole time I've known you. Yeah, it's amazing. That really was your set. It was a lot of fun. Well, Camille, I got to say, one of the things that I really loved about having you on the show was, and that I realize about you is, A...

you're a really good guy. You're an easy guy to hang out with. You didn't assume that going in? I didn't know. You never know with people. Yeah. It was more, I didn't know you. I didn't know if you were going to be, you know, Johnny Big Shot. You had a bunch of, you know, you're coming off Silicon Valley, Marvel. You're like super buff. And I had to keep pointing out that I work out too. You did. Because next to you, it doesn't look like I do.

Wait, but now that Marvel's over, do you just not give a shit and you eat anything you want? No. No, he's in crazy shit. Yeah, your body's crazy. It's amazing. Thank you. I did just do a thing that I gained like 25 pounds for. Like I had to look different and now I'm in the process. Oh, Chippendales. Yeah, I'm in the process of losing it. Yeah. Wait, wait, wait. You had to put on fat to be in Chippendales? Yeah.

Yeah, the guy who founded Chippendales was... did not look like them. And part of the story is this guy's king of a world that he doesn't fit in, you know, because it's all these, like, white dudes who look like Adonises, and then this guy was, like, a bigger guy who did not look like a male stripper, so I had to change the layout. Wait, so you had to put on 25 pounds of belly. So how did you do... What was your... You could do it a bunch of different ways, eat a bunch of different stuff. What was your choice? Put your boner down. I...

Is this a way to do it healthy, you know? And then there's a way I did it, which is I just ate pies and fries and fried chicken. Yeah, Sean, they keep moving the start date on whatever you're gaining weight for, yeah? LAUGHTER

Because gaining weight for us is colonoscopy. Sean, you look fucking great. By the way, I've only had general anesthesia once. I was a kid. I had an ear operation, and I made the exact same joke going in. Don't touch my ass. I was eight years old. Right, that's true. Very inappropriate. Sean, eight-year-olds are making your joke. And it was an ear surgery. Oh, no. Wait, come out. Oh.

How hard is it taking off the pies and milkshakes? Me? Oh, come on. Sorry, Sean.

The hardest part is readjusting to having to eat healthy. Like, you know, honestly, when I start, because I was eating so unhealthy, I was eating four huge meals every day. So losing the first like 10 was pretty easy, just going back to normal. The hard thing is not having that expectation of every day I can eat whatever I want. That's very tricky. It's hard to like rewire to that because you're,

Your taste palette changes, you know? There was a time when I was eating a certain way. I was like, fruit is so good. I remember I would bite into a pear and go, this is like the greatest dessert in the world. And then after gaining the weight, I was like, pears suck compared to cheesecake. It's so bland. I just say let yourself eat whatever you want. That's right. But Sean, you just put sriracha on anything, right? And then down it goes. Yeah. Yeah.

One way, one way. So wait, listen, Kamal, my friend Chuck Sekula is in your show. Shout out. As a Chippendale dancer. Yeah, I've known him since I was 18 years old. And I texted him last night if he has any stories with you. And his text back to me was, in the first two episodes...

He said, you might remember him at the hot dog vendor they find on Venice Beach. And then I said, do you have any good stories with you? And he goes, no good stories. No, I have no stories. He was the hot dog vendor who becomes the dancer. Yes. He's great. Okay, thanks. That's it. He was awesome. He wore a crazy mullet for the show. He did. I can't wait to see it. But wait, the trailer looks great. I love it. It looks really good. From hot dog vendor to...

Chippendales dancing. There's sort of a correlation there. Go ahead. I don't know. I don't have it yet, but I'm in a montage right now where and I'm in Camille's sort of perspective and we're blending hot dogs and dancing and he starts to get this idea, this big homophobic

Homo erotic light bulb goes off in his head. Because he's holding a hot dog. Yeah. I actually see somebody holding a hot dog down by their waist, and I'm like, wait a minute. Sure, just dancing. Oh, there it is. You want sauerkraut? What is happening? We'll be right back. All right, back to the show.

Okay, so Kamal, we don't know each other. I'd like to start at the beginning like we often do on this. Pakistan, what was it like growing up there? What made you move to the United States? And give us all that stuff because I don't know those answers. And what was the name of your high school girlfriend? Keep going. That's a callback to Murderville, which Sean, you have not watched. I will watch your episode.

It was, you know, it's hard to say because it's just what my life was. So it was the same as kind of here, I guess. Yeah, but my thing is like there's a million cultural differences between Pakistan culture and American culture. What were some of that you're thankful for? And what are some that you really miss that, you know? I mean, the way when I... That you're thankful for for the move.

Wow, what do I miss? I miss the food, you know? I mean, our food's the best food in the world. What's your favorite Pakistani food, yes? Biryani. It's like... Biryani. Biryani's so good. What is that? What goes on?

We have rice, there's meat, there's some meat in there. And what you do is, and that's the way my mom makes it, which is because of where she's from. She's from a town in India called Calcutta. You put potatoes in there too. But the whole thing with biryani is how slow can you cook it? You know, that's like the, oh, I cooked this for six hours, seven hours, eight hours. That's the thing of it.

And you know, my grandmother's biryani was the best biryani I'd ever had. And my mom's was like the second best. It was like 5% worse, but it was so close. And my grandmother passed away a few years ago. And this time I was at my parents and I ate my mom's and it was like only 3% worse. She's like, she's getting there. Do you let her know? Do you go like, hey, you're getting better? I did. I did.

Oh, my God. You're a tough customer. No, that's a compliment. It meant, I think it meant a lot to her because she started crying. I don't know if it was good crying or bad crying. Wow. But, Kamau, what don't you miss? Sean could walk you through some of the nice rice dishes at Chin Chin. Maybe you'll find a nice little replacement there that's local. By the way, you just order, you order a side of rice with all of the options and

Rice is my favorite thing. That was the hardest thing to give up. What don't you miss about? This question is a trap and I'm not following it. No, I just didn't know if it was like a... Everything's a trap. What moved you guys to the next stage? This is a dick fest. Speaking of hot dog vendors. Welcome to Chippendales. Here we go. Dick fest. Tell us your favorite part of Chippendales.

Favorite part? I mean, I think it's a really, really great show. I genuinely do. I think my favorite part is working with

The other actors, they were so... Do you guys see White Lotus? Yes. Murray Bartlett? I haven't, but I hear it's incredible. Oh, my God. It's one of the best shows I've ever seen. It's so good. And Murray's in our show, and he's fantastic. I got to work with Juliette Lewis, you know, who I've been a fan of forever. She's incredible. She's amazing. Annaleigh Ashford, who's like a Broadway legend. She's one of Tony's. Did you have to do any dancing? I didn't.

Which was good because I can't do it. Not much of an answer. But would you have? But you did in Eternals.

I tried in "Eternals." Let's say you-- let's say you-- let's say they wanted you to play the lead in the Chippendales thing, which means you had to do a lot-- a lot of dance, a lot of pole work. Would you have-- would you have said yes? Well, I want to clarify, I did play the lead, but I didn't have to-- The lead dancer. Sorry. Okay, cool it, Kamau. All right, Jesus. Can I get back to-- I just want to know what made your family move from Pakistan to the United States. No, I want-- okay.

And then we're going to double back to the pole dancing. Go ahead. Okay. It was actually love of pole dancing that made my family move. They were like, we want to go where that happens. Sure. No, I moved on my own for college. My family didn't move until many, many years later. So I just moved on my own. I went to Grinnell College in Iowa because I honestly didn't know that

I didn't understand how big America was and I only knew America from movies and TV shows and I was not very represented. So I was very surprised. I thought it was all New York and LA and then suddenly, you know, I'm with pigs in court. So it was just a desire to change scenery.

Well, I think the plan was always for my family to move out of Pakistan and come to America. That was always the plan. So the school they sent me to was one where most of the education was in English. And the plan was to always try and move to America. And were you taught English before you left Pakistan? Yes.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, I grew up, you know, I learned English in school, but I also learned, I grew up watching so many movies and TV shows. Well, I thought that was funny that Hugh Grant was your inspiration. Not that he's not talented and funny and all those great things. Yeah. But who else? Well, you know, Bill Murray, obviously. Like Ghostbusters was my favorite, favorite thing. Are you afraid of no ghost?

I am afraid of ghosts. Oh, okay. Yeah, which is why... Because I ain't afraid of them. It was an aspirational love of Bill Murray for being afraid of no ghosts.

I really, yeah, but I remember in school, I think it was kindergarten or first grade, I remember when I first started learning English and being like very upset. I'm like, I already know how to say all this stuff. Why do I need a whole other way of saying tiger? You know, I already know this. So I remember the first time I started learning English. So you learned a lot of English from just watching television. Yeah.

I think I learned to be very conversant in English watching television and movies. It was all the movies you guys watched, like Star Wars and Indiana Jones and all that stuff. But what I want to get into, Kamail, if we can just jump, so you come here, you go to college here. Fast forward a few years later, you work a bunch, and then you and your wife write this film. Emily Gordon, amazing. Emily Gordon, write this film together. Yes. The Big Sick, directed by my old friend Michael Showalter.

whom I've known for years and years and years. Talk us through that process, how it came about, how it came to be, and how the film came, you know, brilliant, and you guys, you know, obviously winning Oscars and all that. And Apatow, Judd, how did you get involved with him? Judd, yeah, we didn't win. We got nominated. Sorry, sorry, sorry, nominated. Get Out won, and honestly, cannot be upset because Get Out is a fantastic movie. Yeah, so how did it all come about? What was the genesis of all of it?

So I basically was, I'd sort of done a very, very small blink and you miss it part in a five year engagement with Jason Segel and Emily Blunt that Judd produced. Just one scene. And then I was at South by Southwest Festival in Austin. I used to go do stand up comedy there all the time. And I did this talk show that Pete Holmes used to host.

And Jed was one of the guests and I was one of the guests. And Jed was like, hey, you're that guy who has one line in my movie. And I was like, yeah, I'm such a big fan. Nice to meet you. He was very nice. He was very complimentary because I hadn't seen the movie yet. He's like, you're so great in it. You really get a big laugh exactly when we need it. And when I watched the movie, I was like, he was just being nice because it's truly a nothing part. He's a nice fella. He's a nice fella. But we did this talk show together and we sort of hung out that weekend and had a great time.

And then when I got home that week, my manager called and was like, hey, Jared Apatow called and he wants to meet you. And he wants to know if you have any like movie ideas. And so I sort of wrote down like five ideas, all like kind of, you know, dumb ideas. And I went and

pitched him to home like this is a wow it's a one really was about a ghost witch it's a ghost who's also a wish like a witch dies and then it's a ghost and he's like these are all really fun and then i was like and then you know my girlfriend was in a coma for two weeks right when we first started dating and i hung out with her family the whole time and he was like you guys start dating when she was in a coma that's when we started yeah she's such a good listener um

No, but seriously, I mean, all jokes aside, wait, she went into coma within when you first started dating? A few months. Wow. Yeah. That's crazy. Yeah, it is crazy. Talk us through that a little bit, as much as you're comfortable with. We were dating a few months. I met her. I met this girl. And, you know, I was like, wow, she's really, really awesome. And I think we were dating about six or seven months. But...

It really was just dating. We weren't living together. I don't think, I don't know if, I don't think we'd said I love you or anything yet. And then suddenly one day, she had been feeling well for a couple of weeks. I don't know how much detail. Anyway, I was at a show and I couldn't get in touch with her. And I remember like I was just calling and calling and calling. And because she was going to go to the doctor in the afternoon, I just couldn't get in touch with her.

had a terrible set at 11 p.m. Sorry about the set. Not a lot of laughs. No, it didn't really get a lot. There's also something kind of... Anyway, I'll tell you about that in a second. And then at 11, she called and she was like, hey, I'm in the hospital.

And so, and she told me where she was and I ran over. Did you tell her about the set? Yeah, I mean, I opened with the set. I'd love to come, but I'm pretty banged up about the set. Yeah, I got to go do some rewriting. I'm going to go sign up for another open mic. I got to wash this taste out. This while it's fresh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry. This really is an emergency. I need a good set.

Comedy emergency. I mean, that is how I opened. I was like, honey, I've been trying to get in touch with you. I had a bad set and I really need to vent. Sure. Good for you. But there's a scene in the movie where I sort of walk through the hospital and I find Zoe Kazan, who plays Emily in the movie. And it's very similar. You know, you sort of feel like you're going into this weird world. And then I saw her...

sitting in her hospital bed. And she just looked so different than she did this morning. You know, she was like hooked up to all this kind of stuff. And then she, the doctor came, the nurse came and I was like, can we go home? And she said, no, we have to wait until the doctor comes in at 6 a.m. So they gave her a room. The doctor came in at 6 a.m.

saw her, he came out and he was like, "Hey, so we need to intubate her right now." This is all in the movie, but it's really true. They were like, "We need to intubate her." And I was like, "What does that mean?" And they're like, "Well, you know, we have to put her on a machine, put things in her neck, and we're going to put her in a medically induced coma." And I was like, "What?"

They're like, we have to do it. So we need somebody to sign this. And I was like, they were like, are you her husband? And I was like, no. And people don't believe this part of the story. It's completely true. He's like, we, she needs to go into this thing. We need a family member to sign this. So you need to just like lie to us and just sign it because this needs to happen. Wow. And I remember I signed it and they ran into a room. It was her and like three or four other guys.

And I just watched them do it. Like I watched them do, they should not have, they should have been like, hey, sir, take a walk, go to the vending machine or something. But I watched them do it. What the hell? What was she suffering from, Kerry? Are you allowed to say? Yeah. Yeah.

So she, I don't want to talk about her diagnosis too much because that's her story. She talks about it. But she eventually got diagnosed with something called adult onset stills disease, which is sort of like arthritis, but for the organs. And so it attacks your lungs, kidneys, heart. Any treatment for it? Yes. And then later...

So this treatment at the time was steroids. They just pump her full of steroids. It's episodic, so it's something that comes on. You know, she's lucky. She only feels it about once a year. But once you know what it is, you take the pill and box it out. Oh, cool. Yeah, that's good.

It is. And then 10 years later, she got diagnosed with another thing called CVID, which is common variable immunodeficiency. And that there is a new treatment for. And she goes and gets this treatment every month. Basically, her body does not make antibodies at all. Like the normal level is like 1200 and her level was literally one. Like it was one.

And so she basically has to go get this infusion every month, and now she's, you know, she's doing really well. She's great. You want to know what a small world it is? You are a spokesperson for Up the Antibodies. That's right. Right? And my niece is the senior project manager of that campaign. Oh, really? So she's like, oh. Isn't that crazy? You know, Sean, last week, he went to have his colonoscopy, and when he came, the doctor looked at him, and he said that he's got what he described as an antibody. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Not quite formed fully. So wait, so listen, I heard, and then you guys turned this whole thing into this great movie. And I heard the movie ended up on Pornhub. Is that true? The entire movie? Yeah, I think they do that sometimes. You know, like certain movies just end up on Pornhub. We were on Pornhub for a second. That's crazy. The whole movie?

Yeah, it got pirated. I'll say. I don't know how many views it got. I should have checked. That's crazy that it was on there. But Judd was really, Judd didn't direct it. Michael Showalter directed it. But Judd really, really taught us how to write on that movie. We wrote it for three years and, you know, he would rip apart every draft until we got one that he liked. Talk to me about Emily auditioning to play herself and not getting the part and Zoe taking it.

How was that? Was that a painful process? She just wasn't off book. She was looking at her sides and that's unprofessional. I was like, you lived it. You should know these lines. Yeah, this isn't radio. Learn your lines. Yeah, honey, please. How about some eye contact? Next time. And now, a word from our sponsor. And now, back to the show. Kumail, talk about too, about like the merging of, like what was the wedding like between, with your religious background and Emily's? Was it...

Easily accepted? What's her background? Was it like, who married you? She's, you know, from North Carolina. Well, that's a religion? Some kind of Christian. Okay. And it was actually, so once she was thinking in the coma, that's when I first told my parents about her. I was like, yeah. Hey, mom, dad. Classic good news, bad news.

But the wedding was smooth? - Well, so this is what happened. So basically, you know, I told my mom and they were very concerned for her. And then soon as she was, she would call me like, "How's Emily?" And then soon as Emily was out of the coma and out of the woods, she was still in the hospital for a while longer, but there was a day where we were like, there was literally one day where they were like, "And now it's going to be okay." She was in a coma for eight days.

And now it's going to be okay. And so then she's still in the hospital for another month. But that month every day is better than the previous. And so, and that's when my mom was like, so what are you going to fucking do with this woman? What's the plan? Like, you guys like living together? What's going on? How long have you been? That's when she started sort of

And so as soon as Emily was out of the coma and okay, we went and got married. Like on our own, like stood in line at the courthouse and just went and got married. Like literally, this is not in the movie because it's kind of unbelievable, but just a couple months after she was healthy. If you see the pictures of the day we got married, you can still see she's recovering.

And I called my mom and I said, hey, now we're married. So you kind of don't really have a choice. I love this woman. She loves me. And I think you're going to love her too if you meet her. So my mom said, okay, bring her by. So two weeks after our marriage, we went. And to my parents' credit, they threw together a big Pakistani wedding for us two weeks later. So the first time they met Emily...

was at our wedding. - Wow. - And it was really like lovely. Her immediate family came, some of my friends came. It was such a quick thing. - Is your dad still with us? - He is, yeah. - Is he a little bit more of an easier sell than mom is? You're talking about getting mom there. Dad's kind of good with most things? - Well, it was certainly a good cop, bad cop situation our whole life.

And, you know, Emily is, I don't, you guys haven't met her. She's just so wonderful and charming and just like,

Oh my God, I'm getting emotional. Just like truly like the best person I've ever met. And so she's sort of undeniable. I knew that if they met her, they'd fall in love with her just the way I did. And isn't it true, in addition to being like this brilliant writer, author, person, she was a former couples family therapist. Oh, wow. Which means like you can't get away with anything ever. Yeah.

She was a therapist and it's actually good because she sort of taught me a lot about myself. I realized, you know, sometimes you don't know like the things you like. She'd be like, you're not upset because you can't find your Bruce Springsteen shirt right now. What else is going on? Right. So she was very good at that. And my dad is very...

My dad's like a real softy, you know? Like, he cries very easily, which was good for me to see, like, a man who was comfortable with his own emotions, and I was someone who wasn't for a very long time. You mean the definition of a real man? Mm-hmm. Yes, that's right. Listen up, Will. Just this weekend, we were there, and my dad did through a 70th surprise birthday for him, and he can't talk about it without crying. Like, he's like, and so they can't.

There were 83 people there. It's really, really sweet. Wait, how long have you been married now? And do you guys make a big deal out of anniversaries? Or is it just like, eh, see you later? Yeah, this is all very fresh. Wow. 15 years. It was 15 years since we were married. That's amazing. And do you make a big deal of anniversaries? Or is it just another day?

We wanted to make a really big deal of this one because I was like, I want to have like a big, because we didn't really get to have a huge, crazy, like big wedding, you know, the way we wanted to. So 15 years, I wanted to do a big thing, but because of COVID and because she, we just have to be more careful than almost everybody else. We just couldn't do it. So hopefully next year. But yeah, we like to make a thing of it. I think these milestones are important. If you do it next year, will you have, am I invited?

Yeah, of course. You would be invited. Would you come? Of course I would. What do you mean, would I come? Yeah. Well, don't be so shocked. A lot of people, myself included, I mean, didn't I say to you, Will, do not invite me to your wedding? You did. Yeah. And then you were mad when you weren't. You're like, I didn't get any invite. I was like, yeah, I invited you. Well, Amanda didn't know that you were invited. Amanda gave me shit when Jason's wife gave me shit.

that they weren't at my wedding, and I said, "Jason asked to not be invited." -I just-- -And then she's like, "He's such a brat. He doesn't have the authority to say that," and blah, blah, blah, blah. So anyway-- Well, aren't some weddings-- I mean, weddings are-- Sometimes they're just-- They're so long, and the ceremony, and-- -You want to go? -It's not about you. It's about them. So, yes, Kumail, if you find it in your heart, if you're looking for extra seat fillers, I would love to come. You've always been a great seat filler, Will.

Jason, can I invite you to the anniversary? I'm not coming. I'm not coming, Camille. All right, well, then I... No, I'll come. I'll come. I've changed. Since Will's been in my life, I've changed. I've learned to enjoy big... I just don't like getting invited, as you know, to, like, one-year-old birthday parties. That's where I get... I take offense. Yeah.

Don't invite me to your kid's party, but I'll come to your wedding. Your kid, fine. Your one-year-old baby, F off. Well, Camille, if you call it not an anniversary party, but you're renewing your vows, so it's kind of like a new wedding, and if I can either throw rose petals or be the officiator of the wedding, one of those two roles. Other than that, I can't. I don't think I'll.

So I have to bribe you with like a sort of a limelight situation? One of those two roles. Featuring. Okay. Kumail and Emily's wedding featuring Jason Bateman. And I will not take third billing either. It's got to be an and or an or. It'll be Jason Bateman presents Kumail and Emily renewing their vows. Kumail, educate me on this. A friend of mine who's Indian got married years back and he came in on a white horse. Do they do that in Pakistani weddings?

- I think they do. We didn't do that 'cause we got married in New Jersey and horses are hard to get on short notice. - Sure. - They are. - But I think that's like a big-- - Horse heads, on the other hand. - Horse heads, I could get you one tonight. Where do you live? - That was too quick. - What color horse head do you want? - Oh my God. - That is really scary. - Oh my God. - What color?

What about a honeymoon? Did you guys do a honeymoon? No, we didn't. We really were at that time just did not have money. And so we really didn't do it. I think I would say I would consider our honeymoon to be right after we finished the big sec, we went out of the country. And that was, it sort of felt like...

Our first real honeymoon. We just, you know, we had no money. I mean, really, the rings we got each other, we got them from Walmart, I think for $75 each. And then we did. Don't throw them out. Years later, we did go and get new wedding rings. But you still have the old ones for fun, right? Shit. Like in a box? No? We couldn't afford boxes, Jason. They couldn't even, not even boxes. This is tough.

I mean, I lost my real wedding ring on the set of Burning Love. Do you guys know that show, Burning Love? Yes, hysterical. Really funny. Ken Marino, yeah. Love Ken Marino. Doesn't sound like a set you'd want to lose your wedding ring on unless you want to have a real problem with your wife. What kind of set do you want to lose your wedding ring on?

That's a great question. Married forever? One of those? You know, it's my husband Scotty's birthday today. Oh, happy birthday, Scotty. Yes, and of course I sing him the happy birthday song in Pakistan, which is, happy birthday, thank you very much. Wait, how do you know this? You do research. I'm a fan of yours, and I watch your stuff. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Wait, that's really...

That's it? - There was just, there was a story I used to tell on stage where I went to a friend's birthday party and they played the birthday song on repeat, but it was some weird knockoff Pakistani version of the birthday song. And it was just a guy saying, ♪ Happy birthday ♪ ♪ Thank you very much ♪

Happy birthday. Thank you very much. Over and over. And then I saw a monkey fight a mongoose. I saw a snake fight a mongoose. At a birthday party. At a party? Yeah. Yeah, that was like. That sounds great. Yeah. Who do you think won? Mongoose. Yeah. It was bloody. I saw Rikki-Tikki-Tavvi growing up. Yeah. You guys all saw that cartoon?

I did not. I don't know that. Uh, wait, tell me real quick, because before we let you go, Camille, uh,

How many years did you guys do the Silicon Valley program? Brilliant. We did six seasons over seven years. Super funny. Yeah. Super funny show. One of the best. Classic comedy. I love that mic, Judge. Yeah. Have you guys seen the new Beavis and Butthead episodes? No, not yet. It's so funny. There's a new movie that's really good, but the new show, it's episodic. I think it's on Paramount+.

Yeah. One of those. It's so, so funny. I used to watch that all the time, yeah. I love it. I was just like, I just texted him and I was like, dude, this is as good as the original show. You guys like did it again. It's so, so funny. Did they get the same voice actors back for the, to play Beavis and Butthead? It's the guy who does it really good, Mike Judge. They got him. Wait, what? Really? It's a sound alike. Guys.

Kamau, you're the best. Thank you for being here. Kamau. You're the best, Kamau. You're such a funny dude. Yeah. I'm such a fan of you guys, all three of you. You're so good and your podcast is so funny and I was really excited and nervous to do this. You're a real nice fellow. You are perfection. No.

Nice and easy. You got a conversational vibe to you. You're not just there to answer questions. I mean-- -No, he's very conversational. He's confrontational, too. He likes to be confrontational. Kamau, I see you at the gym. Obviously, we work out together a lot. -Whoa. -We're on the same-- I don't know if it's obvious, but yeah. Program. You're in fantastic shape, Will. You really are. -You really are. -Yeah. -Not Marvel-shape, but-- -I'm not Marvel-shape, no. Maybe just a week or two away.

Kamil, thank you for joining us. Thank you, pal. Dude, it's great to have you. Great to see you. And, you know, just continued success in everything you do. Thank you. I can't wait to see the new season of Murderville. It was so good. Such a great show. I'm sure you guys are fantastic on it. Thanks for having me. We had fun. Thanks, pal. Good to see you. Thank you, pal. Okay. Thanks, Kamil. Bye, Kamil. Bye. Nice to meet you. Love you. Love you. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Easy squeezy. Easy squeezy. Like soft and sleazy. I like that Camille a lot. He's... I like him too. Sean, I don't know why, you know, why do you always say such bad things about him? He's great. I love him. I'm such a big fan. You know, I didn't know, like I would watch his stand up and like whenever he's on a talk show because I think he's so fun extemporally. Sorry. Huh? Close enough. Extemporally? Is that a word? Not really, but keep going.

But he speaks-- I don't know, whatever. But yeah, no, he's just funny off the cuff, I'll say that. -Yeah, he is. -And a lot of people don't have that gift, and so he's always been entertaining just speaking. -Nice fella, comfortable in his skin, chit-chatting away. -And by the way, works endlessly. -Yeah. -Like a huge star now. -He's a huge star. He works really, really hard, and you're right, he's just very naturally funny.

-Yeah. -In such a great, refreshing way. Yeah. How about-- I love the stories about like-- If you haven't seen them, like you can watch his stuff online or whatever about his family and like getting married and the person who married them and what went wrong at the wedding. -Like it's so funny. -I wanna see his stand-up stuff.

Uh, fantastic guest, just like they all are. Yes. Amen. Hey, uh, Sean, what's the rest of your day? Uh, I have to go work out, believe it or not. I have to, uh, let me see. I'm going to look at my calendar. Why do you have to? Are you training for something? Uh, I guess I'm going to land on not. Sorry, you said blue. Ha ha ha.

And then what's after the workout? We're going to go celebrate Scotty's birthday a little bit. What does that involve? Starting at what time? Probably like five or six. We're going to eat a nice dinner together, just us. At five? Yep. What does that constitute? Well, it's funny. I have somebody coming over to help us make pizza.

Okay. Because it's complicated. Yep, go ahead. And then after the pizza, you'll hit this. So now it's 6.15. What happens now? Do you lay a sheet cake out in the morning and just braise it all day? What's the... I have somebody named, we call her the cake lady. She makes the best cakes. I'll give her your number. Or I'll give you her number. She's the best. She makes the best cakes. And she makes these huge cakes and they're like 20 bucks.

Huh. I'll bet they're not great. No, they're great. They're amazing. So then do you have a cake already ready for Scott's night? Yeah, well, it's a surprise. I always put like a funny photo of him somewhere on like, you know, how they scan it on the cake. So then at 6.15, pizza's done, cake's in the mouth. It's 6.30. Now what's the rest of the night after that? And or, or if not. No but. No but. Oh, sorry. No but. Is that premiering tonight? It did last night, but we didn't get around to it.

All right. I'm super excited. You guys watching Lego Masters? Is that what it was? You were watching Lego Masters? Oh, is that tonight? I didn't record that last night. Wait, when is that? Wednesdays, 9 o'clock on Fox. Wait, when did it premiere? Last night. It's okay, guys. I mean, you know, Goodnight Oscar is getting a lot of play. It doesn't open for another fucking two years. But we've covered Murderville and Lego Masters so far on this episode, right? Goodnight Oscar opens April 7th, 2023.

Wait, wait. So you're telling me that I can see it in April provided I have a ticket and I don't want a free one. I want to be able to buy the tickets. Bye, Oscar. Bye. Smart. Smart.

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