"Allison Janney"
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Welcome back here. We're here in an all-new SmartList, and it's great to have everybody here on the show. And I'm going to pass it to one of my co-anchors there. And do we have any news, Jason? Today, there's a SIG alert on the 405. You're going to want to go ahead and take Surface Streets, Tricepulveda, or the Canyons. Back out to sports with Sean Hayes. What's your sport, Sean? Does anybody want to guess my middle name?

What are you doing, dude? You're supposed to be the sports guy. You know, when someone throws you the ball, you don't drop it. Well, I could talk about traffic. I don't know about sports. Well, that's the joke, dingy. Dallas Cowboys and the Bears are playing this Saturday. Okay, welcome to Smartless. Smart.

Shay, well, we're just talking about how Sean is the problem. We never have this issue when your guest or my guest, it's just, we always start right on time. But whenever it's Sean's guest, it's all, there's always nonsense. But it's not me. I'm always on time. No, but it's your vibe. It's your vibe for sure. Yeah. Things are just disorganized in your life. You know? No.

And it's... They're not. Like, his answer is just, no. No, they're not. But wait, I want to say about where we're all going tomorrow. We're all going together. Yeah, I heard... Yes, we're going to... We're going to the Hollywood Bowl to see Amadeus live. Will, I'm very excited you're coming. Are you going to be...

Now, you're actually fairly cultured. You're sneaky cultured. Of course I am. I was so shocked because it's Amadeus Live, and I texted Will. I was like, I think I already know the answer, but just so you know, we're all going. I can't imagine you want to go. And he's like, oh, my God, I'm so excited to go. I was like, really? Awesome. So, listener, what this is is Hollywood Bowl out here in La La Land is this big place where the outdoor air, where the orchestra plays. Is La La Land just a fun way you say Los Angeles? Yeah. They should name a movie that.

So what they do is each summer the LA Philharmonic plays the Hollywood Bowl and then the winter they go inside. But during the summer they play the Hollywood Bowl and then they run three movies each summer or three or four. And they drop a big screen down and it's usually some big, huge cinematic film that's got a big orchestral score. And they drop the music out and the symphony

plays the music while they still keep the music-- or the dialogue and the sound effects. Here we go. They play live the music while we watch the movie. That's it. Got it. I mean... Sorry, listener. I'll send each of you your minute back. That was 17 hours. But what I'm trying to-- Sometimes it should be-- The listener should know that sometimes when we're in a social setting, and Sean, you know what I mean, I'll look over at Jason, I'll see him talking to somebody, especially somebody who's new to our circle,

And I'll see him talking about what they do, and I'll be like, "This person is really struggling." But they're also a big Ozark fan, so they're willing to put up with it. So they're like, "Jason's super famous, so I'll just do it anyway." But fuck me, this guy gets to the fucking point. So I'm excited. But Jason, Jason, I should say this. Also, I'm glad that Jason's driving, 'cause I'm going up to Jason and Amanda's, and I'm driving with them. I'm their kid.

Well, you're glad I'm driving. Why? Are you going out tomorrow night? Are you just going to get all banged up? No, just so that you and I can... Because I don't want to deal with parking at the bowl. That was one of my big thoughts. Well, Sean was nice enough. Now, listener, you should know that Sean has gifted us these tickets. He's a very generous man. And that there was parking with it was another step that I didn't think you had. No, I'm excited to go. By the way, the other thing I forgot to tell Will Jason was...

My massage in the Bahamas. I can't believe I haven't told you about the massage in the Bahamas. What? Who, me or Will? Oh, sorry. Massage in the Bahamas. Okay, sorry. Anyway, okay. Yeah, you said that a little quick. I'm sorry about the massage. It's almost like you... Well, I'm not going to say it. No, but I've never had this happen in my entire life. Well, you've never... Okay, yeah. No, so we splurged. We're like, hey, let's get massaged. So I had this woman who was very, very strong, a lot stronger than I am, and she...

wasn't doing anything crazy or questionable, but she got my... Until she... I flipped over, I'm on my back, and she's doing my leg and just rubbing right up against my penis and my balls.

Well, now, let's be a little bit more specific here. She wasn't rubbing up against. The back of her hand was on him. Yeah. She gave you some brush-bys, right? She gave me brush-bys, but literally, like, no. She didn't give a shit about anything. She's just rubbing right next to it over and over again. And it's growing a little bit. And so I thought, well, I don't want to give her the wrong idea. But anyway, it was almost like medical. Like, she didn't care. I'm gay. Yeah.

I think she knew that, and that's why she was giving you the drive-bys. Yeah. I didn't get any of that, and she had just worked on my wife, so she knew that maybe she ought to mind it. With you, she didn't have to worry about it. She was in a safe zone. Yeah, she thought, there's no way this guy's going to be offended or aroused or anything like that. And then sure enough, here comes your...

But if you're rubbing up against it, wouldn't you be like, maybe I should switch my hands around? Maybe she's dead. Maybe the back of her hands are dead. How about you not get an erection? Okay? I know I couldn't. I know. I started... Does Scotty know that you were aroused by this woman? He was right next to me. It was a couple thing with another woman doing him. Okay. Okay. Here's what... I'm glad you brought this up because I want to bring this up. As you can imagine, I take issue. I feel like every week's just become me with my grievances. But... We are thinking about a new title. The couple...

The couple's massage? Nobody wants that. That's the worst idea. Well, no, that's just the way we set up. I want somebody hearing me, because this is what I do. But sometimes when I'm getting massaged, I'll be like...

You know, I catch myself. What was that? What sound was that? What did that mean? Like falling asleep to the point where I'm like... Yeah, I do that too. And then you're slobbering and stuff. Who wants to do that next to somebody else? I think the couples massage is way overrated. And then we offer couples massage. That's a deterrent.

It's a deterrent, especially when you're laying next to me. And I like to give a lot of feedback because I feel bad that they don't know whether they're doing good or not. And so I do a lot of... I can't imagine. Yeah. Yeah. You do not. No, you don't. No, you don't. That's creepy. A lot of stuff like that. And whoever I'm partnered with, oftentimes it's my wife. They get upset because I'm disturbing their experience. Yeah.

Oh, that's got it. I do a lot of those. Oh, that's got it. This is a great transition into our guest today. I do a lot of, I do it like real cutesy though. Oh, look what you're doing. Oh. Look what you're, look what you did. Good for you. Look at you. Oh, are you generous? Okay, here we go. Our guest today is a very close friend of mine and also good friends of all of ours, actually.

She's an extremely gifted actress, having won an Oscar fairly recently. What? But I swear her voice is almost as busy as she is. It's everywhere. You hear it in DuckTales, Finding Nemo, The Addams Family, Minions, Over the Hedge. So many documentaries, medical commercials. Her voice is fantastic. Also, it turns out she was actually a very serious figure skater in real life. I can't wait to ask her about that. The first few years of her career were spent with roles in tiny plays, and she was ready to quit numerous times. We've all been there. Until Aaron Sorkin...

I've got it. Saw her in one of those tiny plays. I've got it. Called her in to audition for a tiny little show called The West Wing. Please welcome the absolute best in the world. It's Allison Chaney. Oh! Hello!

Listener. Oh, my God. I was so nervous I was going to have to look at nothing. Listener. She's got this great, like, what do you call that kind of hat? She's got a hat with a big feather on top. It's a pillbox hat with an ostrich feather. Probably not a real ostrich feather, so everybody calm down. It's not a real ostrich feather. And a veil. And there's some netting in front of your face. What's that called? It's a veil. It's a veil. It's a veil with dots on it, so it looks like I have big black acne, but I don't know.

No, like moles, like moles. Like big moles, beauty marks. Like beauty marks, yeah, yeah, beauty marks. I'm so excited you're here. I'm just going to pull these down for a second to pull up my veil and put these back on. I just wanted for effect you to see what I just came from to come to talk to you three handsome gentlemen. You just came from this place? Hold on. All right, go ahead and take your thing off. I can't hear what you're saying, so go ahead and say something. Nasty. Wait, look at you. Oh, my God, look at you. You fool.

Look at you. You look stunning. Wait, why do you look at this? You look stunning. Okay, well... Where did you just come from? Awake? Well, very good, yeah. It's a funeral scene, and I'm doing that... You had Kristen Wiig on the program not too long ago, and that show we're doing for Apple. It's an Apple series as yet. It's an untitled project, and we're doing a funeral scene today, and...

This is a 1968 Palm Beach. This is what a lady looks like at a funeral in 1968. - Does your character have to cry at this wake or were you happy about the death? - Okay, so that's why I chose to wear these. - So you don't have to cry. - So you don't have to cry. - Dark sunglasses. - Actors are lazy, guys. We're all very, very lazy people.

It's hard. I'm in a wool dress. It's outside. It's hot. It's hard to... Are you in California? I am in California. I'm right now in a base camp with all the trailers in a parking lot. Oh, you're in the trailer. I'm in my trailer, yeah. Look at that pop out. She's got a nice one there. See, this is a very nice trailer. It's the nicest trailer I've ever had. I usually get... I think when I did your movie, Jason, I was in a honey wagon...

Wow. Hang on a second. It's easy to cut that out. This is a shot that's well worth taking, and let's explore that a little bit. So, Tracy, a honey wagon is smaller than a regular. Didn't you tell me that you took a pee, washed your feet, and brushed your teeth all at the same time, right? Isn't that how small it was?

Hey, so now are you one of those actors? Have you ever had them blow the camphor into your eyes so that you can get some tears going? Yeah. You know what? After a certain amount, and you know what? I did a movie with Toni Collette called The Way Way Back and she can bring the emotion like nobody's business and she had to do it over and over again and at a certain point she was like,

Bring it in. I can't do it anymore. And I was like, thank God. I was so glad to see someone I respected so much do it because you should be able to do it. So listen to this little trick here, Tracy, is a tube filled with like menthol crystals in it. And the makeup artist will blow through one end and air will come out the other end. You're ruining show business for a lot of people right now. It irritates your eyes so much that you start to cry. And then they go, okay, quick, roll it.

and you're-- - And you start crying. - Don't tell them how this sausage is made. Are you crazy? - I once made the mistake of having them do that when I had my contacts in and a crystal got under my contact and I, I mean literally, the director was like, "Please, you can't be that emotional." - Jason, have you ever done it, like have you ever gone on set and actually blown people? - Yeah, well what do you mean? - Oh wait, are we still talking about-- - Sorry, I'm just trying to get a sound bite. I'm still trying to get a sound bite out of you. I'm trying to get a gotcha sound bite out of you.

Wait, Allison. Okay. So wait, I did not know a couple things about you and I've known you for 75 years. I didn't know you really wore a figure skater. I had no idea. I can't believe you didn't know. That's like... Well, how's he going to know that? Because it's like, it's such old... It's never come up. It probably came up at the junket for I, Tonya, right? Which we were not at. That's where we met. Jason and I met at the junket for I, Tonya.

I mean, not I, Tonya, Juno, that's where I first met you. Juno, okay. And fell in love with you. And Sean, I fell in love with just all throughout our- Red carpets. Converging careers during West Wing and Will & Grace. Right. And Will, do you remember where we met?

When we fell in love? Yes. Vamp, Will. Wait, where did we meet? He doesn't remember. He didn't even try. I'm really sad. No, no, no. Jesus Christ. I only met you once, and I'll never forget it. Yeah. Show him a picture of your child, Allison. You're not going to remember. It's okay. And it may not have been you. I might have been wrong. It might have been Patrick Wilson.

Oh, is that who you get? Do you ever remember? You've been to the Soho House in New York City, right? Sure. Yeah, sure. Well, it was a long time ago and I met you there at the bar at the Soho House. I was there for my birthday and you just happened to be there and I met you. So it was about 20 years ago, 25 years ago? Was he drinking? Probably. Probably 20 years ago. Not 25, but like at least, well, actually...

25? 30? 15? 20? 25? 30? 15? I don't know, but I interrupted because we were talking about skating and I did. I know. Are you sick of talking about it? No, it's okay. I don't mind talking about it because I really, I did want to go to the Olympics. That was my dream as a young girl. I was a great athlete in school. I played field hockey, lacrosse, ice hockey, everything. I'm just, I'm very athletic. Wow.

And I decided to, oh, I know why. Because my father was in commercial real estate in Dayton, Ohio and Kentucky and Cincinnati. And he owned a building that housed an ice rink. So I got my little lifetime membership card and got free ice time. And all of a sudden I just became infatuated with skating. It was literally...

And it's the only time I've ever been, when you're so excited, I was so excited to put my skates on, I could hardly get them on fast enough to get out on the ice. Really? And were you, I bet you were great. I was very graceful, but I'm very, very...

Yeah, you're tall. Ice skating, figure skating is an acrobatic sport. You can't, you know, I can't get this six foot frame three times around triple, you know, I should have been an ice dancer. That's what I should have been. But something happened when you were a teenager that made you stop? I read or something. Oh, we don't talk about it. You mean when I almost died?

That is not what you're talking about. Well, great. Sean, you're the fucking best, man. You're the greatest. When we talk to her about some of her relationship failures. I didn't know that. And then we'll roll into politics and religion. Sean, can I talk to you for a second? What is the... Guys. How about the outfits? Allison, tell us about your favorite skating outfit. Hang on a second. Hang on. Let her answer this part first. What happened? I'll just say it's a story that anyone who knows me well knows the story, so I'm surprised.

Well, two of you don't know this, but I went through a plate glass window when I was 17 and lost three quarters of my blood. I almost died and it was pretty frickin' traumatic. How did you get through that? Why did you go through a window? Did you not see it?

Jason goes for fun. No, but I mean, it's those horrible, you know, at a party when someone goes walking right into one and usually they bounce off of it, but you went through it. I did what I, you know, the, the awful part is there was a game going on with, um, and, and the girls, uh, the couples and the girls had balloons tied around their ankles and, and the object was to pop everybody's balloon. So you were the only couple left with your balloon on popped. Yeah. And,

I was cheating because I had a strapless long gown on and I tied the balloon up around my knee so no one could pop my balloon. I've been a cheater. I'm such a cheater. Well, it takes a lot to admit that. How does it send you through a plate glass window though? Well, then when someone who was trying to pop my balloon kept furiously

furiously trying to step on my balloon instead, stepped on my dress and it ripped and fell off. And I was there for the party with parents and kids and everybody was there. And I just graduated from high school and, and my dress was falling off. I didn't have any bra and it was strapless dress and I'm a very small chested woman. And so I held the dress up and I ran to get inside and there was a porch with, you know, some doors open, some closed and I, I hit it.

And then the glass fell on top of me, on my leg, and the band was playing right next to me. And I was like, keep playing, keep playing, don't play. I was so embarrassed. And then I turned around and I said, oh my God, I saw blood all over my finger and on my neck and everywhere. And I said, now I'm supposed to scream and then I am going to faint and then I'm going to die.

And that's what, as my actor's head was like, these are the things I'm supposed to do right now. I'm supposed to scream and bang the day. And then, you know, it was like a Fellini movie or something being on the ground and seeing all these people with cocktails and cigarettes leaning over me looking to see what was going on with my blood. It was crazy. Oh, my God.

So you couldn't skate anymore? No, not my skating, but, you know, it was good. I was not meant to be a figure skater at all. But what about that injury wrecked your skating career? Well, I lost an artery, a cut tendon in my lower right leg, and my foot doesn't work so well anymore. Oh, no. You couldn't walk that off? No.

This is why we hired Will Arnett. It was real. It was cheap. And he keeps it light. And we will be right back. All right. Back to the show. Wait. One time, my sister was out here visiting. It never goes well when it starts with one time, my sister. Okay. Go ahead, man. We were at a stoplight. One time, I was with my sister at a stoplight. Got it. And...

in Century City, and we're watching this girl, she must have been 14, 15 years old, rollerblade. - What? - And it was on a long hill, and she couldn't stop herself. And you know when you see something. And she rollerbladed right into a movie poster, at a bus stop, and the glass completely shattered. - No way.

What was the movie? Do you remember? Here comes a joke. This better not be a joke. No, I don't remember the movie. I don't remember. It would be better if I had the movie ready, but I think it was like, you know, Chipmunks, something about the Chipmunks. Shattered Glass? Was she okay? So we ran over there to help her, and she was like... Bet you didn't. My sister couldn't stop laughing. I was like, oh, my God, this poor... She turned and said, tell the band to keep playing. Yeah.

No, she ended up being totally fine. Everybody does that when they have, it's their first instinct is to tell the band. Wait, my sister was laughing only because she knew she was totally fine. Because my sister was a cop and she was like, oh, the girl's going to be totally fine. It looked way worse. Tracy was a cop? Tracy's a cop, yeah. We learned that very late. We were on stage for that. We learned that when she hogtied Bateman in the back of a van. Hey, you know...

You know, Allison, I don't want to... I did a little figure skating in my time as well. Here we come. You did? I did. Well, I did... As part of the cinema, I did a film. I made a figure skating picture called Blades of Glory. Yeah. He did all of his own skating and...

I didn't do all my own skating. I didn't do all my own skating. But of the four, of me and Farrell and Amy and John Heder, I did the most of my own skating. Wait, did you learn to skate just for that movie, Will? No, he's Canadian, dude. He came out with skates. You play hockey, right, Will? Yeah, yeah, yeah. At a very high level.

Go ahead, Allison. Goalie, so it wasn't a lot of goalie. Wait, but isn't that weird that all that figure skating? I mean, I can't be the first person to say this. And then you win an Oscar for a movie about skating. I mean, it's just crazy. It's crazy, Allison. It's crazy.

It's nutty. It's just nutty. I couldn't believe it. And I actually got my skates back out and got on the ice, and I thought that my character might... They might put in a little scene where she skated, and so you saw that, you know, she wanted her daughter to succeed where she had failed. And then that part was so great. Did you come up with the bird and the oxygen tank? Or which one was... Because I'm obsessed with that role. I tell you, I've never smoked so many cigarettes in my life, and...

Every scene I kept saying, maybe this scene she doesn't smoke. And Craig Gillespie, the director, was like, no, you're smoking. You're smoking in every scene. And then we get to that final scene with the bird. And the bird handler was like, you can't smoke around the bird. You're not allowed to. And Craig was like, oh, yes, we are. We're smoking around. There was a huge fight about it. And I said to the prop guy, I said, do you have one of those things, those, you know,

things you stick in your nose and the canister, the oxygen. Yeah, the oxygen tank, yeah. Yeah, but what's it called? He's like, yeah, I got it on the trunk. And he did, exactly. Yep. Exactly, Jason. That's exactly what he said. And that's how that came about. Of course, it made sense that my character would have emphysema after smoking for years.

What about Craig Gillespie? That guy, what a genius. He's amazing. I would love to work with that man. I've got to say, Jason, you have been one of my favorite directors too. There's no one more fun to watch on a set than you. You love, I mean, at least it seemed to me, you love being in that position. I do love it. I love it so much. You just are able to handle anything that comes your way. I can't get enough of it. I had so much fun working with you on that.

Listen, you guys, why don't we all do, I propose that we all do a sitcom. I know you guys were talking about sitcoms recently on this podcast. Yeah, let's do it. Great. Let's do a sitcom. Should we just make, let's make news right now. Okay, so what would the concept, what would the concept be? How could we best utilize what the three of us do and you do and what would that concept be? Um,

Okay, well let's let's um, I think you're already halfway there with the outfit on right now the funeral off. Yeah So I'm a boxer right? I'm like a young I'm like the young no, I know you know I've got well I've got you being a luggage porter at a hotel that Allison owns I own the hotel She owns a hotel and she's got three of us working there will you're just you're doing a lot of luggage care in charge of VIP relations Jason Thank you. I'm ballet. I

- I'll do the ballet. - You're a ballet. - Jason's like the maitre d', I agree. - Wait, listen, you're still in the luggage department. - Sean, what are you? - I'm the ballet.

Sean, what's a valet do? You mean the car parker or the guy that's taking care of the concierge stuff? But you fill in whenever, wherever it's necessary. Sometimes you're on room service duty or you kind of jump around. It's a multi-cam. You've got to be at the front desk. We have to have the front desk and concierge desk. So, Sean, you need to be front desk and Jason, you're concierge. I'm sorry. I have to recast. I do like Jason as concierge. Let's put Sean with an old-timey operator board where he's got to plug in the little...

We can't get cameras in there. I can't get Shimada in there. So...

Wait, Will Woodard, we decide you were? I'm the bellboy because I'm real young-seeming, just very sort of boyish. Yeah, with a big back on him. I feel like I'm cutting people off. They want to agree with me. Go ahead. Who wanted to? No. So, Allison, we get Burroughs to direct it, right? Yes. You think we can make his deal? Please. I've never worked with him. I want to work with him so badly. You've never worked with James Burroughs? No, I've never worked with him. I've never worked with him. I'm very, I'm sad about that. Didn't do any moms.

No, no moms. Who did the moms? Jamie Widows, the fabulous Jamie Widows. Oh, I love Jamie Widows. Oh my God, we love Jamie Widows. I love Jamie. He's the best. Okay, but wait. I want to talk about your career because I've heard you talk about it before, like the agonizingly long kind of slow start in your career and what it took for you to get to where you are. Talk a little bit about that because...

Up until West Wing. I mean, did Aaron Sorkin really see you in a play and just go, oh, that's her for West Wing? Is that how it worked? No, I think he's, you know, I didn't, I wasn't given that part. I was up against a lot of very talented ladies. Yeah. But I think what sealed the deal for me is that Aaron saw me in Primary Colors. Oh, yeah. And he's such a Mike Nichols fan, as am I. I love Mike Nichols so much. He was always so generous with me and...

And he put me in that movie and that pratfall I did was a big, that just won me a lot of points. I love that. Now, now did you like, are there roles you were up for and didn't get along the way? Or even now looking back, you still wish you would have gotten them or does it all make sense now?

There's a lot there. I was trying to think of a joke like you guys always think of something. No, hold on. It's hard when Sean throws as much crap at the wall. Oh, yeah, I know. Okay, so I auditioned for the part of Roz in Frasier.

- Oh, you did? - And my dear friend Perry Gilpin got that part. - Oh yeah, you're both fantastic. - And then I auditioned for Third Rock from the Sun and Kristen Johnson got that part. - Oh wow. - So there were a lot of things I didn't get and then-- - You would've worked with Burroughs on both of those. - Yeah.

How about that? But think about all the things. Maybe he doesn't like me. Yeah, well, there you go. Think about all the things you would not have been available for had you booked one or both of those. Well, I know. And, you know, I think it was meant to be that West Wing was the one that was meant for me. I mean, as my friend Dulé Hill says, if it's not yours, it can't be yours.

I got to write that down. He doesn't sound bright. No, he says it better than I just said it. It's yours. It can't be yours. I don't know. It's some way of like, it's just, it's okay. Everything's going to be all right. Everything is happening the way it's supposed to happen. Put it this way. You didn't have to hear a tossed salad and scrambled eggs all the time. You know what I mean? You got a freebie on that. What a bonus. Tossed salad and scrambled eggs.

Okay, so but wait, so but growing up, growing up, your parents, when did you go to the Royal Academy of School, whatever, for theater? The Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts. I went there when I went to the neighborhood playhouse in New York City, and they gave me a fellow, they got a fellowship there to study at RADA.

And it was so funny. I go all the way there, and my teacher's American, and every student in the class is American. So it was a great experience, but it seemed kind of funny. I thought I was going to be there. I did a summer program at RADA when I was 18, yeah. Did you have a lot of Americans in your class, or was it a lot of reds? Was it dance or mime, or what were you doing there? Do you guys want to see my dance belt? LAUGHTER

- It's all I'm wearing. - It's flesh colored. - It's all I'm wearing. No, for theater, yeah. - What Shakespeare monologue did you do, Will? - Oh, I think I did something from Lear, I guess.

Wait, wait, wait. Something from what? From King Lear. Will, you've done Shakespeare? I think you should have done Lysander or Demetrius or something from Miss Hammer. I'm trying to think. Sorry, what's that, Jason? I was just, when you're done, I want to talk about you've done Shakespeare, question mark. Well, no, I mean, I did it at two. You had to do it at, I did, she was there for real. I was just there for a summer doing a program there. No, my thing.

- The thing was the summer thing too, it wasn't a whole, it was just like six week. - And you know what, here's the thing that really stuck out for me. One was I had a teacher there who kept saying something to the effect of like, "Hit the back row, the back row." And I was like, okay, got it, got it. So shout and then the other one was, what was the guy's name? He was a, this is like 1987 or eight.

And I did all the stage fighting stuff. That was fun. Yeah. Did you do sword fighting, epee? Yeah, yeah. Which I still do a lot of that. So wait, but then didn't you do boarding school? Was that before the Royal Academy or after the Royal Academy? No, no. Allison, thank you. Thank you, Will. Thank you, Will. Allison. Is this not my interview? Nope. I'm sorry. In fact, you can move your microphone, just the whole arm of it, just all the way to the right. Okay.

There it is. So Allison, you're in boarding school. Yes. Yeah, but is that before the Royal or after the Royal? That was way before. It was? That was high school, dude. That was high school, man. I can't keep track. I don't know. I graduated high school in, I mean, whatever, 77. Where was boarding school? Where did you grow up?

I grew up in Ohio, but I went to boarding school in Lakeville, Connecticut. Oh. Was that fun? Wait, what school was that? Hotchkiss. Oh, you went to Hotchkiss. I did. Huh. That's where my... Which eventually became like a school for a lot of like problem kids. It did? I went to non-Hotchkins. Sean, save it for hypochondriac. Okay? No one here understands that joke. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

It was very high level, but well above my intelligence. No, Allison, I knew a couple of kids who had gone to Hodgkiss, and like this is in the 80s, and my impression was they'd each been kicked out of other, like one had been kicked out of Chote, you know what I mean? It was kind of like that. Really? Yeah. Now, Allison, how...

I would imagine that you get sent so many tasty, tasty things. How do you decide? Don't be so gross the way you describe shit. No, it's just very Hollywood. So tasty, tasty. But how would you describe the characters that she plays? Fantastic. Scrumptious?

Just delightful. Just delightful characters. Just anything that doesn't, we don't have to picture you licking your fingers, dude. How would you decide? I'm going to really mash this metaphor out. How do you decide what you want to eat?

Oh, God. Which tastes more so you want. It's like if I had chicken last night, I'm going to want something different tonight. I got you. Sure. If I want, you know, like I just did. Okay, so I finished Mom. Yeah. And then what I did was I went to do this movie Lou in Vancouver where I play. It's a pretty different kind of role for me. And I don't want to give away, although the trailer does have some pretty –

Let's just say I had to learn some hand-to-hand combat. Okay, so that's what I want to ask about because I just saw it. It's fucking fantastic. Language. You saw the movie? I saw the movie. It was fantastic, yes. And you, it's a role that you've never, I've never seen you do anything like this before. What does that mean? What's that? What does that mean, the role that you've never done? Because it's kind of like a child, like it's the female Liam Neeson, I like to think. Yeah, for sure. Oh, you're kicking ass. But guys, she's kicking ass like crazy.

Crazy. Really? And I read somewhere that you trained with like Charlize Theron and Halle Berry's guy. You know that, like, right? Daniel Bernhardt. I don't want to give away the ending and I won't.

But the last scene, one of the last scenes, you're on a beach. The butler did it. What? One of the last scenes, you're on a beach and you're kicking the shit out of this guy. And I'm going, wait, that has to be Allison. It can't be the stunt person. And he buries your face in the fucking sand and kicks the shit out of you. And you kick the shit out of him. I'm like, what? Oh, yeah. I've got a lot of anger. I'm sitting on a lot of anger under here. I'm so physically violent as a person.

You must have hurt yourself just a little bit. Yeah, did you? I did. I definitely had some bruises. This was something...

You know, it's one of those things, you guys have been talking about this, when you see a script and you see it's nighttime, a storm is approaching, and I'm like, I'm out. But I did it this time, and this was all, this whole movie takes place during this massive storm that hits the Lopez Islands. I mean, the San Juan Islands. I thought of that too when I was watching it. It's raining in every scene. Yeah, every single, and wind machines. So in every scene, I'm like going...

you know, screaming my lines. So I ended up having to loop a lot of them after the fact because I sounded so, to sound kind of cooler, to have my voice register down, you know, hey, where are you going to be? But instead of going, hey, where are you?

So the nightmare continued. You're shooting night, so you got rain, and then you had to ADR the whole thing. And I had to ADR a lot of it. And we also shot it during one of the worst heat waves in Canada, Will. I don't know. Yeah, it must have been terrible. It was. And nobody in Vancouver has air conditioning. No. It's like you don't need it. But it was pretty brutal.

It was brutal. It was brutal on the wildlife in Vancouver. Yeah, it was sad. But I worked with Journey Smollett, who was so game and great and so fun to act with. And I couldn't have done it with someone who would have been, you know, oh, it's so wet and muddy. I can't, you know, she was totally, let's get in the mud together and...

So that was fun to do, like a total left turn for me. And I've always wanted to do that. And now I'm this lady and, you know, it's fun to keep shaking it up and playing. So if somebody wants to grab you, just make sure you check out what she did right before and offer you the opposite. Exactly. Yeah. But really, I was so impressed. It's such a good movie. And I was like, wow, look at you go. And now a word from our sponsor. And now back to the show.

What were you doing with Mark Menchaca, my other favorite person in the world? Down in Australia, maybe? Were you a fan? No, I was in Thailand. Yes. Mark Menchaca is so, I just love him so much. My God. For a listener, if you watch Ozark, he played Russ Langmore, the redheaded guy with the beard. Oh, wow. That was Julia Garner's uncle? Yes, I think. Yeah. I should know that.

He's extraordinary. I went to do this movie called True Love with John David Washington, who is just the most extraordinary. I'm a big fan. Lovely, talented, generous, kind man. And, um,

And Menchaca was on it. We kind of were a duo, the two of us. You didn't go out at night at all with Mark, did you? Oh, no. He hates to have Negronis. Yeah, he hates going out after work. We had, yeah. Thailand. How was that? It was also a very hot location. And we traveled all around to Chiang Mai and Pattaya, I think the sex capital of the world. A little strange place.

You keep saying, I think. You keep saying, I think it is. And then why are your fingers crossed? Yeah. Why are you crossing? Jesus. That sounds great. I'd love to work in Thailand for a while. It was, the people there were so lovely and friendly, but it too was incredibly hot. What I want to note too, I'm going to go back to the early part of your career and say, and ask you, um,

What are some of the earliest things that you watched as a kid and were like, "Oh man, I wanna do that." You know, that you remember. Carol.

And Carol Burnett is on this show I'm doing, on this Palm Beach show. No way. Oh, really? Oh, really, Carol Burnett. And I am now Wordle friends with her. I'm so excited. We do Wordle every day. Oh, that's great. How is, you know, Will Arnett's got real strong Wordle skills. What are your Wordle skills like? I've tried to do Quartle, and I can't do it. I can only do Wordle, and I'm not very good at it. But I haven't gotten, I think I've gotten mostly in the five out of six. Yeah.

Yeah, Will won't even talk to you now. Watch, he's going to close his camera. Let me just say this because we've talked about it a few times on the podcast. I'm on a chain with a couple other people that Jason had to jump ship on because I get it. He's a tail between his legs. And we do octortle, which is eight boards, octortle, quartal, wortel, and then we do the score of all three combined. We do it every day. We've been doing it for almost eight months now, every single morning. Wow.

And today I had a 77. This is why I've quit. Go ahead. Start. Good God. It sounds exhausting. Which is really. Tell us all how you could have got a 75 or a 74. Had I just done blah, blah, blah, blah. That's why I quit, guy. Now everyone's going to hear it. I'm sorry.

I mean, this fucking guy. Oh, here's my score. Now, had I done X, Y, and Z, you know? Today, I could have. I had such a 50-50 on Quirtle, and I could have. Anyway, it doesn't matter. I could have had a 74. How long does it take you to do in the morning? How much time do you spend on it before you start your day? Probably about...

10 minutes to do all three. Really? Yeah, yeah. Wow. It takes me forever to just do Wordle. I do too. It takes me all day. I look at it in the morning and I go away from it. What takes longer is reading Will's excuses why his score wasn't even lower. That's what'll really... Scotty knocked it out of the park the other day. His first guess was craze and then twice. And the word was twice.

How the hell? Well, that's just good guessing. Good guessing. Isn't that amazing? What's your first word, Will? I can't tell you. He can't tell you that. Come on. I can't do it. No, you should go with consonants. I did vowels for a while. I think it's all about consonants. You do? Yeah. Okay. I'm going to try that tomorrow. I'll let you know how that turns out. Twist is a good one. Twist. It's not good. It's not because you used a T twice. No, it's not.

Wait, so you watched Carol Burnett growing up and that inspired you to want to do that? Or like what made you really want to be in that? Well, I wanted to have my own Carol Burnett show when I was watching. You know, that was my dream. I just thought that's what I want to do. Did you tell Carol Burnett what she means to you? Yeah. I had dinner with her the other night and I just...

I told her how much I loved her. Is that the first time you met her? No, I've met her before, but I've never worked with her like this and gone out to dinner with her. And I had to do a scene with her in this where I guess I can't give it away. Don't give it away. Don't give it away. No, I'm serious. Leave that to Sean. He'll walk you through the whole plot. But I had to do a scene with her where she doesn't say anything and I am the one who talks the whole time. So she literally says nothing. Where did you guys go for dinner?

We went to the Palm. You did? I love the Palm. We went to the Palm and we all had, and Carol, oh my God, it's so great. She has a specific drink she likes to have and she has these cards printed up with a little, a picture of her, you know, pulling her ear and her drink, the recipe for her drink and she gives it to,

I hope she's not mad that I'm telling this. Or she's not listening. I guarantee you she's not listening. And she gives it to the waiter. And so I got a copy of it. That's pretty awesome. So whatever drink she wants, she just hands it to the waiter? It's the same drink always. Oh, and she just has the card. So wherever she goes. Oh, that's fantastic. It's very specific. It's like a Cosmo, but she likes it bubblegum pink colored with a little bit of

and it has all these exact amounts and everything. You know what's great about that? If you know what you like, you just ask for it. This is what I like. I bet she's got her cartoon up there on the wall, right? Her little, what do you call it? They don't have them anymore. At the new Palm. Palm changed owners. And it changed owners too. You know, Steve Martin used to have cards that said if somebody came up to him, he just would stop them and hand them a card and say, this is proof you've met me.

-Instead of a picture. -Are you serious? So he wouldn't have to take a picture or sign anything. He just hands them a card. Oh, my God. I want to have those made up for a long time. And he would leave the house with just a bunch of those cards. I had my photo-- I had one of those, you know, those drawings on the wall at the Old Palm on Santa Monica. And Mitch Hurwitz and I went-- we used to go there so much, we knew the old Mater D.

And we said-- This guy Cedric and we said, "What we want is--" 'Cause we'd seen one from like the '70s that was buried in the back. We were like, "We want a version of what we saw. We want our heads, but on babies' bodies that are wearing diapers and then they're sitting on a cloud." And he said, "Great, where do you want it?" We said, "We want it right by the front door." And he put it right there. - Come on. - Anyway, so when they closed-- When they just demolished the old one-- That was a while ago now that they demolished that.

They sent it to me. The Palm sent it to me and I've got it in my office. A piece of wall? Yeah, a piece of wall from the old Palm with that thing on it. I wonder if the New York one's gone too because I was up there with... Because I did 9 to 5 with Dolly Parton and we got ours up on the wall there at the Palm but I...

I guess that's gone too now, but no one sent that to me. That was such a good show and you were so good in it. I love that. Wait, Dolly was in the stage version of 9 to 5? She was a collaborator on that version that I did with Stephanie Block and Megan Hilty back in 2010. I didn't know you were in 9 to 5. What a way to make a living. I would be so wonderful. Oh, I wish I would have seen that. Oh, God. What, that joke coming? Yeah, I know.

Did you guys read about that huge storm that's heading our way? Wait, what? In L.A.? Well, no. They didn't say it's heading our way. They said that it's a... Yes, they did. There's a potential for it. Oh, oh, right. You're talking about, yeah, the big mother storm that's going to rain for months and months. Huge. Like... There's also supposed to be an earthquake that's the big, big one. Not just the big one. The big, big one. When is that supposed to happen? That's... We're overdue. It's posted. It's posted.

Wait, Alison, you're talking about that article that was like in the LA Times or the Times the other day. It was in the New York Times. New York Times. It was about massive, massive rain coming our way, like, you know, six inches a minute or something. Yeah, but hang on, hang on. It's not... That's misleading. It's not heading our way. They said it could. That is something that is...

that is possible within the next like 20 years right yes i read that you made it seem like it's kind of that we gotta look out by thursday don't don't bother washing your car you know what i mean i didn't mean to do that i am a little bit of an alarmist i guess it just scares me where allison where would you go if california was no longer inhabitable where would you live

I tell you what, I'd get my niece Petra and her boyfriend. They both fly planes. They have their pilot's licenses. And I wanted to mention my niece's Amelia Air Pet Rescue. She flies pets from rural areas to urban areas. You're saying Petra flies pets? Petra flies pets for Amelia Air Rescue. But they fly planes. So I'd get in the plane with them and we'd take off and go. We can cut that plug, by the way. Okay.

It needs to be paid for, Allison. Nice track. Amelia Air Rescue. If I was on that plane, I'd be petrified. Oh, my God. Very funny. But where would you ask them to fly it to? Where would you like to live if it wasn't Los Angeles? New York? Maybe upstate New York. And, you know, I like upstate New York very much. I love Burlington, Vermont area, Lake Champlain. Oh.

Oh, way upstate. Yeah, way upstate. Like Adirondacks type stuff? Yeah, but more on the Vermont, like Grand Isle and the Lake Champlain area. I like Burlington, Vermont. I think that's gorgeous. Also, the Lake George area is fucking stunning. I watch this old house every Sunday still. Yeah.

And they just had Saratoga Springs on it. I thought that was real pretty. That's beautiful. Lake George is a little bit south of the Adirondack. I mean, it's right there. And then you go up north and you get to Plattsburgh, which is at the top of your state. And then you can take the ferry across from Plattsburgh to Vermont. That's right. Oh, is that right? Oh, yeah. That's my country. But, Allison, we kind of joked about what you do on your days off. I know we've got to let you go, but I want to...

What is it that you do? Like, it's Friday, you're not working, you're not working until the middle of next week, it's Friday. What are you like, all right, this is my plan for the next couple of days, other than just getting on the couch and watching a TV show? Well, I'll tell you, I do...

I have watercolors. I like to put a little, what do you call it, a still life together and do watercolors. I have knitting I like to do. I also have a full gym. I have a trainer I love who comes over and we work out together. I did just adopt a new partner.

So I have four dogs now. And that's taking up most of my life is training this new puppy that I got. So you're a homebody. You love being at home. I love. But I kind of feel like I didn't think I was. I thought I used to like to go out all the time. But now I just hang out at home. I'm really a very...

I hang out at home with the dogs and I'm happy. That's what I love too. But I want to be invited to things, but no one ever invites me. We'll invite you. We'll invite you. Will you guys invite me? Will will bring his cards and Sean will bring some chin chin. Yeah. I would love that. I never get invited anywhere. Bring my cards.

Let's do some tarot card readings. We're going to do some tarot-ing. Yeah. And then my mom does a lot of knitting. She does a lot of... That's exciting. I've got needlepoint things I'm starting. Oh, needlepoint. Forget me. Yeah, I know all about it. My mom has bored our whole family for years about it. And we have to do... Yep. Amazing. I have a feeling I'd get really into that. She does a great thing. I will say. She's listening. My mom listens to it. She loves it. But...

And she's great at it. I have a feeling that needlepoint is something I'd actually fall in love with too. I think so too. Like the monotony of the kind of. The monotony of the story about it. The knitting though is the thing that saved me through many family holidays when I was, things were stressful and you sit there with knitting and you could be in a room for, it's the most calming thing to do. And then those needles are handy in case one of those family members starts to really run their mouth. Exactly. Yeah. Okay.

Alice and Jannie, we love you. You have to go back to work. You're in your trailer. We could just talk to you forever. This is so... I really... Just let me tell you one fantasy I have when I listen to you because I listen to your show all the time. It's my favorite show. Okay, it's a family show. Just keep that in mind. Cue the fantasy music. But I have a fantasy of going on a road trip with...

the three of you a road trip to anywhere i would just be the best i would just laugh at everything you say you should come on the road with us next year when we go back out on the road i want to be if i could just i'll do craft service or something or we're gonna get your we're gonna get your niece we're gonna get petra and her boyfriend to fly the plane for us petra can fly us anywhere we want to go the plane with petrol and oh my god you're so everybody's getting you're so quick everybody's

Everybody's jumping in on the fun. Well, it's fun. I'm scared of you. We're having fun. We're having fun. I'm petrified. You know, she's in. Everybody's in. We love you, honey. We took up too much of your time. We love you crazy. I have to go back to my funeral now. I'm so happy, and now I've got to go cry. Tell Wig. Are you going to see Wig? Go tell Wig you were better than she was. You know, it's her birthday today. Oh, it's her birthday. Tell her we say happy birthday. Say, guess what? I got a birthday present for you. The guys say I was better than she was.

-No, just say-- -Yeah. -That you were the best. -The best episode. But play it off. And say, "How was it?" And just go, "I don't want to say anything." And then say, "Let me finish of today." There you go. And she'll go, "Oh, you! Oh, you!" No, I would do it for real. Just go, "How was it?" And just go, "Yeah, it was-- I don't know." And just be like-- So you really lure her in. She'll just go, "I feel kind of bad 'cause they said it was the best." And then just, "That's the hammer." You know?

I'm totally doing that. I'm totally doing it. I'm going to nail it, too. I'm going to reel her in. Of course you are, because you're an absolute killer. You're a killer. Especially in the hat. God, you're a killer. We love you. I love you guys. I will say happy birthday. We love you. You're a mega talent. It's so great to see you. I love you guys. Love you, sweetie. All right. We love you. Bye, Allison. Bye. Love you guys. I'm just going to click out. I'm going to leave. Yes, or slam it. Or slam the laptop. I'm going to leave. Leave.

Have either one of you fellows worked with that incredible lady? No. Yes, many times. Yeah. You have? Yeah. She's been a friend for a long time. Like, if you want her to do, you know, she's always there for you. If you have, like, this great part and you just see her in it and you're just like, I wrote this for you or I have this for you in mind, she'll be like, yeah, definitely. You know, she's always kind of there and she's great. She's a good, good friend.

She's, again, one of those people who is, no matter what the thing is, she's always great. Yeah. Never sucks. There's only a few of those actors, yeah, that they always hit it no matter what. I call it the John Goodman syndrome. Yeah, John Goodman's that way. No matter what John Goodman's in, he's always amazing. And then there are a few people...

Now she's in there. Let's create a little file. Yeah, Allison was great, though. And I love that we all kind of know her. I know, Will, you don't know her as well. I don't really, but I feel like I know her. She's just the best. There's a reason why she works all the time is because she's the coolest. She's just really down to earth and cool. What do you guys got the rest of the day? I'm going to go eat something. I had two boxes. Wow, hang on a second. Stop the presses. Really?

Can we guess what it is? Oh, yeah. But did you hear me? It's dinner time. It's almost dinner time. It's 542. Yeah. You're in L.A. Jason, you go first. Jason, you go first. It's going to be, today is going to be, he's going to make homemade pizzas on French bread loaf.

He's just going to take some pasta sauce and pour it on top. And he's going to grate the cheese himself to make it seem like he's really doing something. And he's going to put it in a toaster oven. Like I'm really creating something. And while he's waiting for it, he's going to have four bites of ice cream. Oh, my God. Sean, is that close to what you're having? It's kind of close. Don't say yet. Don't say yet. Okay. You are...

See, now you're saying it's kind of close. You have leftover pasta from a restaurant you went to and you're going to reheat it or you're going to go pick up from a pasta restaurant. You're going to pick up Italian food. That's exactly right. Is it Mariano's or whatever? Marino's. Marino's? Yeah, best Italian restaurant. Yeah.

Is there going to be garlic bread involved with this? Absolutely. But last night I had, did I tell you? I'm not making this up. I had two boxes of mac and cheese. Anyway, Kraft mac and cheese. Kraft macaroni and cheese. Was it extra cheese? No, just the regular. Just the regular. We were talking about eating. You know, we had that debate a while ago. Sorry.

You can go ahead. You know, in Canada, we call it craft-- It's called craft dinner. I'm not kidding. Forever, it's called-- The Kraft macaroni and cheese is branded as craft dinner, so... Right, and the thing I don't understand is growing up, they're like, "Feeds a family of four." And I'm like, "It feeds-- I need two boxes of it." It feeds a family of four supermodels. Hey, do you-- Do you-- Remember we had the debate about the-- about the Chex Mix and the Bugles? Yes.

And Jason, do you remember that? No, I don't think so. Yeah. That's not surprising. Do you remember who we are? God, look at that vacant look on his face. It's unreal. That must have been a year or so ago. It's just like, we get one of those motel signs that just says vacant. So,

So we had a debate about Bugles, and it turns out Chex Mix and Bugles are made in the same factory. And we had a thing, and then they sent us all. The Bugles, I will say, win. The Bugles are incredible. I can't get enough of those Bugles. I love Bugles. The regular and the ranch-flavored ones. They're all good. You're about to get a box. So I just want to say to all the people of America, and Canada, I guess, and wherever Bugles are available, go grab them, because they are fantastic. Yeah.

What if Bugles were spelled instead of B-U-G, they were spelled B-I-G? Oh, here it comes. You mean... Bugles! Oh, my God. Oh, it's so lazy, but we'll allow it. Smart. Worse. Smart. Worse.

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