"David Spade"
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Hey, Will. Hey. Oh, you ready to laugh today? Yeah, you ready to laugh today? Yeah, ready? One, two, three. Okay, yeah, go. Welcome to Smart Life. Smart Life. Smart Life. Smart Life.

Hey, do you guys eat seafood? Last night, Scotty and I went to a seafood place. Oh. We went to, yeah, it was right up the street. Oh, did, are you asking if we did too, by chance? Yeah. I had a bite of fish last night. I actually went out to dinner for the first time in a very long time last night. To a restaurant? Yeah, the four of us went out to have a little family dinner, and it was very, very pleasant. That's nice. Well, now, see, I went to a, the place I went to, you have to show a vaccine card, you have to show ID. You don't have to do that in L.A. when you go out, right? Right.

Uh, no, we didn't have to show any of that stuff. Um, we should have. Well, we were, we were eating outside. I wonder if that matters. Huh? No. But you had to show it there in Chicago?

Yeah. And then we had the, we, I got little, um, cause Will knows I like lobster and seafood and crab and stuff. And then, um, so it was all in my fingers. And what I do is I take the lemon and I squeeze the lemon on my hands and then rub my hands together so that it doesn't smell. Okay. And then what? And then you dry them off? But isn't that, you make it sound like that's some special strategy you, you, you thought up. Isn't, isn't, don't they bring the lemon to the table for that purpose? What

With the little cloth? No, you put the lemon on the food. I don't know that you're supposed to put it on your hands, but I do. Well, listen, we can ask our mystery guest, who seems to be a Top Chef contestant based on what we're able to see here, and a male Top Chef contestant based on the David that was...

burped out before we got going here. As a Top Chef contestant. Listener, usually the mystery guest is a full mystery. But I don't know the last name yet. You don't know the last name. So let's get right into it. You'll guess it right away.

My mouth is watering. Well, throw some lemon in there. This guy is one of the funniest in the biz, period. Makes me laugh a lot. I remember seeing him on SNL when I was a kid and everyone would imitate his characters. He's been on not one hit sitcom, but two hit sitcoms. How many people can say that? I was a huge fan of his latest talk show. So many movies, so many animated films, so many TV shows, so many laughs. David Sparks.

Wait, what? Wait, what? How did you guys do that little switch? David, who was in the background going, David! Oh, yeah. Heather, you got popped for yelling David. Heather got popped again. Well, hang on. I feel dumber than I usually feel on this show. Which is remarkable. Did you guys do a little switcheroo there? No, I just did it before he got on. Oh, they put top chef contestant.

Okay, so that's pretty good. Wow. First of all, David, welcome. I want to say welcome because nobody said it yet. So welcome. David, welcome. David, welcome to the Lone Shadows. Secondly, I want to say, and I don't know how you feel about it, about Sean saying, I used to watch him on SNL when I was a kid. So that feels terrible to begin with.

I was a kid. Listen, I was so locked into the lemon squeeze story that I don't know what we're talking about now. It's compelling. Because why did he bail on that one? Yeah, stay tuned. Sean's like, guys, before we start, I've got this story about a lobster and it's fucking crushing wherever I go. So let me just go with it and then...

Right. It feels like it's tapering down. I'm going to bring on Spadoodle. It's a real handy tip he's figured out with shellfish. I was thinking, David, that the other day, Jason and I played this Pro-Am golf tournament, and I was at the tee, and I was about to tee off, and they had all these kids like volunteers, and this guy goes, not kids, these guys, whatever, this guy goes, as I'm about to tee off, he goes, well, I love Blades of Glory. It was my favorite movie when I was a kid. And I just stopped, and I went...

I was an adult when I made that. Yeah. And how old are you? You look good. Wait a minute. I'm almost 52. Wait, David, just to clarify, what year did you start SNL? So I can say I was a kid. I don't even, you know, I don't know if we should talk numbers, but it scares off fans. Let me think. I think SNL was 91. I was 20. Okay.

But David, you have been plummeting ratings. But David, you've been very funny and actively funny, i.e. employed for a very long time, and that is quite the gold ribbon in this. That's a hard part. Yeah, good for you. Yeah, for so many years. But wait, I want to go back to the seafood because I always see you at that seafood place that you and I go to on La Cienega. Is that story a two-parter? Yeah. No, it'll be more. Barely a one-parter.

Wait, what's seafood place? I always see you at- Stop saying seafood. Okay, sorry. It's so generic. Yeah. Have you guys ever eaten seafood? Did you guys eat seafood last night? It was like us? No, we all didn't sync up on that one. Yeah. Here's my, I'll go first with my seafood. This is the best podcast ever. I know. I was like, geez, that squeezing a lemon was like a car chase for that story. What?

What restaurant do you guys go to sometimes? I always see you at Koi. We always go to Koi. I do. You know, Sean, I've seen at Koi. We've never bought each other dinner and do that old funny trick. No, but I'm open to it. Yeah, I'll do it. I'll start. Wait, wait, wait. Koi's a sushi restaurant. Stop calling it a seafood restaurant. Well, fishes are in the ocean.

Everything's really a seafood restaurant. So it's spelled K-O-I, not C-O-Y, right? It's not like some sneaky little date place called Koi? I always go, you want to go eat some sushi? And Scotty will go, oh, Koi. Oh, you guys are so cute. No, but all kidding aside, one time I got food poisoning there.

But we can't say that. We got to cut that out. No, you didn't hear what he said. Say it again, David. Food poisoning. Oh, food poisoning. No, I actually love Koi. I used to go to Koi back in my wet days. When it was cool. Well, I mean, it's still, that's my question. It's still there? Is it still bumping as the kids used to say? You know, it was always bumping and then...

It had a certain heyday with like Craig's, you know, a lot of cameras out front. And now that it's not, it's just still a good restaurant. It's the best. But it's not all commotion. Is the Stinking Rose still across the street? That's down Los Angeles. That's further down towards Wilshire. What about Ed DeBevick's? Is Ed DeBevick's still up and running? I don't know. Do you live in L.A.?

Was on Melrose 18 years ago. No, that's way down. You're right. What about flippers? Do you guys ever skate at flippers? Are you thinking of the Sonic in Austin? I'm thinking of the place that used to be where the Beverly Center is now built. Oh. Oh, no, that was the Odyssey. The Odyssey nightclub. No, you know, I do a lot of La Cienega. There's a Nobu on there. Yeah, there is. There's a...

A lot of nice restaurants right there. Do you ever do a foie de chow? Sean, I would think that you would like foie de chow. Hey, watch the language, please, Will.

No, but somebody, a friend of mine just texted me last night a new documentary once again on the food industry, and now she's a vegan because of it. Some new documentary that's out on Netflix. So she's like, I went shopping. I'm not buying meat anymore. I watched a documentary on Netflix about food, and it got me to go vegan for six months to try to drop my cholesterol. And so all I had were plants for six months. My cholesterol dropped a single point. Oh.

Oh, wow. Really? Yeah. So you're back on meat. Well, yeah. Either meat doesn't matter for cholesterol or I've got some chronic cholesterol problem that it can't be fixed. And there's limited time. You look pretty healthy though because you're always pretty skinny and ripped. All you guys are pretty skinny and ripped. No one's really –

Well, that's nice of you. Have you spent time with Bateman, like, in a meal situation? It's like a supermodel trying to make weight. Like, he's counting. He's annoying the waitress with, like, you know the L.A. thing of, like, I'd like to order this, but here are my conditions to my order. Meg Ryan orders. Bullshit.

But it's so funny. If you put a brownie in front of him, he'll inhale it. That's the truth. Yeah, exactly. I just don't order it, but I will eat it. The only thing, I've heard that you guys are all three at Aniston's house in different rooms. That's not true, is it? Right now? We've been living at Jen's house for years. Because I always, well, I see Jason over there, and not to mention Jennifer Aniston on this, but Jason, that's when I was thinking of eating. I think I've only seen you eat there. And I eat a lot. I do eat a lot. You do, and Will, I think I've seen all of you guys, probably.

By the way, David, I keep, I think about this all the time. Fuck, it made me laugh so hard. A few years ago, I don't know if you remember, we went to some event and we were both presenting something. I forget what it was. And somebody, there was a guy out doing some bit and it was bombing. And I think it was kind of the point of the thing that was to bomb. And it was just like completely bombing. And we were standing next to each other just off stage and you turned to me and you go...

He makes you look like a good actor. No, why would I say that? It was so fucking, you had me, I literally bent over laughing. It was so funny. It was such a great burn. Here's my problem. I do stuff like that to people I don't know well enough. I like you and I think you're funny and I don't know you well enough to start throwing out shitty jokes to you, but I can't help it sometimes because I think you're funny. So I go, this is like a gag.

Well, I get it because I think that, you know, again, this comes up a lot, that that's kind of a language of love of like burning somebody. Like if it was somebody you didn't give a shit, you'd be like, I'm not going to waste that joke on this idiot. I wouldn't even talk to you or you wouldn't talk to me, but I do that. I talk to Jason a lot when I see him out because Jason's always interesting to talk to and Sean and I went to that seafood place, Koi.

Oh, wait a second. I saw him at the seafood place Black Angus because they have shrimp. I mean, you do sound like somebody on a cruise ship, Sean. Oh, there's wonderful seafood at this place. I mean, what is wrong with you?

You jump 20 years. You can eat seafood. You order fish some places. Do you know how easy it would be to assassinate Sean? There are two places you have to hang outside of. Chin Chin on Sunset and Koi. Chin Chin. By the way, it's so true. Chin Chin. Every time you're there, you're sure it's 1999. You're

positive it must be I met a date at Chin Chin in 2004 that's the only that's the last time I've been there it's right in Sunset Plaza it's got a great location but I do you have a girlfriend now David

Hey, Sean. Nice transition. Let's get into the personal stuff right now. You know, I had a great girlfriend and then I'm... Uh-oh. Don't bring us down. Yeah. Don't bring us down. No, she died. Did she have a bad seafood reaction? She went in a different direction. She went in a different direction? She went in a different direction. Hold on. What does that mean? That means she broke up with me. Oh, okay. Wait, I want to go back to the... Please, anything. Yeah.

We've only covered seafood, so is that where we're going? Did I ever tell you about the lobster? I think we didn't cover that right at the beginning. Here's a story we're going to cut out. Sean's going to hate me for saying this. About eight months ago, I got a ride with Sean to New York. We can skip it in. And we're flying on a PJ. And I look over, and Sean and Scotty have charted the flight.

And the flight attendant comes and says, would you like your seafood? I'm not making this up because this is so relevant. And she comes back with, he's on a private jet, and she comes and she serves him lobster. Jesus Christ. And so Sean starts squirting like lemon on it or whatever. And he looks over and I'm taking a photo and he goes, what are you doing? I go, this is just insurance. This is insurance. You want a fucking private jet eating lobster? Yeah.

Which, by the way, never, ever happens. Oh, really? Yeah, one time, one time. They told the lobster, the good news is you're going to be on a private jet. And the lobster was like, oh. Oh, my bad. Yeah.

But wait, I want to go back to when you were talking about going up to Will and like, oh, you're a funny person. So you feel safe to take a risk with certain jokes. Like where did that come from? Did you always do that as a kid? Because I think a lot of people making jokes is risk-taking, especially like in personal settings. Where did that confidence come from to go, you know what, I'm going to go for it. I'm going to try it. God, you know what's funny? I don't even know if it's confidence. It's just at a certain point, I feel like,

It sounds like I'm saying I'm well-known, but it feels like people expect a certain thing from me, even if it's busboys or people or a valet. When they see you for one second, they sort of want you to say something that they, if they're only going to see one, that would be sort of memorable. I've seen other people do it. Because...

You know, I try to be polite. I try to be nice to everyone. But sometimes I will joke with people I don't know, even if they want me to stop by their table or something, just to be friendly and say something goofy about them. And then they laugh. Don Rickles kind of had that same thing. Yeah, I mean, and I'm not really Don Rickles, but just the fact they know you from grownups or something, they want you to...

just say something and then I goof around with their kids or something. Right, but like I was walking into this hotel with Kevin Nealon once. This is like two, three years ago. And we walk right into the lobby and he passes these two girls and out of nowhere he goes, oh my God, we were just talking about you. LAUGHTER

It's so fucking funny. It's so bizarre. He's so funny. And the girls are like, wait, what? I don't even know you. Yeah. That's a great line. It's a great line. But that kind of confidence to just kind of say anything to anybody, anytime, that's who, that's why you think you are. Like, where does that come from?

It's funny because I'm going to keep not really answering your question, but when I was at dinner, sometimes when I'm at dinner and the ex, actually a while back she would always infuriate her that, you guys probably get this, you say something mildly amusing and they go, right?

And they walk away and this girl goes, are you fucking joking? That's C-minus dog shit. And then they bust a gut just because you're on some stupid movie. And I'm like, that's the way it works. And she's like, it's so fucking humiliating and embarrassing. And then you, in fact, you buy into it and be like, hey, that's a real zinger. And everyone else is going, that was the worst undercooked shit. And then, you know, and then I'm like, hey, you saw it alas. I'm getting applause breaks. Yeah.

At table 41. We're killing over here. So I sleep with rain sound on my phone and somebody pointed out that it sounds like applause, that I need it all night as I'm sleeping. Yeah, that wouldn't be bad, yeah. I was a busboy and I was bad. I was like, this sort of answers your question, a piece of it. When I was a...

I was talking to everyone as a busboy. I wasn't a stand-up yet. I never even thought about it. I just was like, hey. And the manager goes, hey, don't talk to the people. You know, that's just sort of...

The silent guy. Get the dirty shit and walk away. Yeah. And that's the waiter, you know? And I go, well, maybe I could be a waiter. And first of all, he goes, you don't got the stuff. That's what he told me. I go, what stuff? Fucking my job's harder because I have to lean over and get shit and the waiter just goes, let me take your order. And then, hey, bus,

boy, do everything. And then I'll be back to get the tip stack and balance. And when I, yeah. And I, and you know, you lean over and you see the thing in the back that says to lift, go straight down and straight up. I've never lifted like that in my life. You're always leaning over and it's like a 20 pound plate burning hot. So then I go, it's father's day. And it was, it was in Arizona too stupid. And they go, um,

The manager gives me the whole talk, and then he goes, and there's a shark on the menu. It says, shark special. And it's in Arizona. I don't know. And then I don't even question that part. It's going to be further away from the ocean. Yeah, exactly. We shouldn't have any fish, and Sean would hate it. And so we go in, and they go, this table goes, hey, how's the shark? I go, I got a motto. I don't eat them. They don't eat me. Spade, can I talk to you? I go, no.

And he goes, what are you doing? I go, crushing. And he's like, dude, what do you not get? Don't fucking talk. I go, dude, I'm kidding. I'm getting rolling laughs from three tables that heard me. And then he fired me.

I said, why don't I be a waiter? Then I can do this all the time. He goes, no, we all hate it. What are you doing? I'm crushing, bro. Bro, I'm fucking, can you see? I've got this crowd. You're killing my momentum. Oh. I need it. I'm almost to my closer. Oh.

And then I'd go in the back and just eat everything on their plate. I was such a little scumbag. Really? You would hear a busboy. You just have to, that's your dinner. You just, I know I don't have OCD because I eat any food. I don't even see where it came from. I just get in the back. I go, half a steak. Like, I don't know if they put a cigarette out in it. I don't know anything. I just go, I'll take it. And we will be right back. And now back to the show.

David, what was the audition process for SNL? Because we've had a bunch of people and everybody's got kind of a little bit of a different story. Did you do it in L.A.? Did you do it in New York? Were you doing Groundlings at the time? I don't know. I'm going to take this question. Yeah, you might as well. I thought you were going to say, I'm going to take this call. Can you guys hang on one second? You know what? Let's go to the phones for one second. Hello? You're on the air with four idiots.

So I went to, I was doing standup and never thinking of being on SNL. And I just got to LA from Arizona and I was getting some spots. I guess who I wound up, guess who I liked that was very funny? Nealon. He was one of my, kind of an influence because he had that dry delivery, which I never really saw a lot of. So funny. And where he just runs over it and you don't even know it's a joke. I'm like,

- Do these people know that's the funny part? - Right, yeah. - Even I didn't really know. I go, huh. - He'll come out, he'll go in my bathroom, he'll come out, he'll go totally dry. He'll go, "Hey, you got a plunger?" Every time, every time he comes out of the bathroom. - When we're on that Lights Out show, we have like a little cactus with all these leaves and shit in the middle of the table that we all sit around.

And then at the commercial, he goes, hey, you going to eat that salad? You going to eat the rest of that salad? And I'm looking around like, what's he talking about? Anyway, oh yeah, and then in the middle of my monologue, he interrupts me and goes, hey, what are you going to wear tonight? Anyway, so he goes, so he was very funny and I would watch his act. And then one time I was getting kicked out of the place I was living in this other comedian's

I was renting, it was some, you know, it's always like a disaster situation, but he was moving back in, so he kicked me out. And I go, I don't even know where. And then Nealon just happens to go, oh, I'm moving out. I got SNL.

It was way back then, right when I started. And he goes, if you want to rent my room while I go there, I live with a couple of comedians. And I said, oh, fuck yeah. So he goes, I'll come back. You didn't even ask who the comedians were? Because that sounds like that's a spicy meatball. Yeah, I mean, I didn't even have any choice. I just, one was Bob Dubac, one was a writer, and one was Dana Carvey. Wow. Oh, there you go. Dana lived above the garage in like just a room.

And he had his wife with him. They were living there. And he was already on SNL. This is like a commune. Isn't that crazy? Comedy like Manson Camp. That is wild. So I was not known. And Neil was a very friendly guy. And then they'd go to SNL. And on the weeks off, they'd come and Neil would stand on the couch. But they would tell me SNL stories and still never cross their mind to do SNL because I wasn't like a character guy. I'm just barely a middle-act character.

uh, just trying to make sure this is what I'm going to do forever, you know, because I have to make enough to just go, you know, check to check. I still wasn't making money. And then, uh, I sort of went way back for your answer, but this answer is two and a half hours. Just tell me when it feels. No, I love it. Okay. So then,

You can pick it up probably. Yeah, right there it's starting to drag just a little bit. Right there it dipped a little bit. Yeah, well, we can probably trim that out, but... The thing about comedy... Oh, tangent alert, tangent alert. So anyway, they come back, blah, blah, and then I do the young comedian special.

that used to be on HBO and there was like a host would host it and Dennis Miller was host. That's right. Will, have you heard this story? And so... Listener, Will's texting. I'm texting because I got Amy's FaceTiming about because the kid, my son hasn't finished his homework. It's an even better story. Did you let her know that it's our time right now? Or it was the weekend? Yeah. So... So...

So anyway, I get an audition because they saw this young comedian special and me and Schneider got an audition in New York. So that was your answer. I flew to New York. And then that audition was stressful, was relaxed. Did you want it or not? Diarrhea inducing? Yeah. I wanted it, but I go, oh, yeah, I would be on SNL. It'd be great. No characters, no idea. Just like sounded great.

No plan. So don't you have to do characters for your audition, though? Yeah, what the fuck do you do? Yeah, they tell you you have to do a certain... No, I did stand-up. Oh, wow. So you just did your set. A lot of people just do stand-up, and now more and more they're making stand-ups do characters, which fucking sucks. And don't you have to do, like, an impersonation or... No? Yeah. I was just scrambling. I'm like, here's JonBenet. I love a parade. Ba-bum-ba-bum-ba-bum. They're like... I got hired to be a writer, and I didn't want to be a writer.

I wanted to be a performer. Okay. Sorry, I don't want to jump ahead, but what did you do? So Schneider and I get hired as a feature. It's called a writer-performer, feature player. So he goes, this is great. This is what Chevy Chase did. So you get to write and be on camera or just write for the first year? Jason's like, we're toward the end? No. So I get to... It's foggy at the runway. I go there. Yeah.

And I walk around. So I just get a brown desk and a legal pad and they just go, this is your week. But no one tells you jack shit. So we Rob and I walk around and we see Conan O'Brien. We see I mean, the writers are fucking hitters. It's Greg Daniels, Conan, Robert Smigel, Jim Downey and, you know, fucking Bob Odenkirk and.

And then the cast is Mike Myers and Dana. And all these guys are writing, too. So I'm competing against these fucking Frank and, you know, all these writers and then the cast. And that's the hard part is that we weren't even trying to get on the show. At the first, I was like, let me just get through, read through without my sketch sucking so fucking bad where everyone looks around and goes, what the fuck? Who spayed?

Because you have to put your name on it, unfortunately. So they look at it and they're already like, you know, low expectations. But then Lauren, you know, you guys have hosted, you read like 45 sketches at read through and I probably write two, which is harder than shit because most of the hosts were about the same look, you know, like honestly, like white guy, like a little older, like, you know, it could be Tom Hanks and Alec Baldwin and John Malkovich and then...

and Michael Keaton. So your sketches aren't so different. You know, you can't go, oh, it's Melissa McCarthy. Oh, I have a great one for her because it's something we haven't seen for a while. And she does different moves than this person. It's always fun to get someone different.

And if you're not a good writer, which I wasn't, it's really hard to think differently and write for other people, which is hard. Did you watch SNL before you went through all of this? Like, were you a fan? Like, did you have favorite people? I did watch it growing up and loved it. And that was always like, I think people's favorite years are sort of their years when they were in front of a TV. And people say they liked it when I was on. It's usually when they were watching.

Did they say, okay, David, just write for a year, and if your writing is good, then we'll put you on camera after a year? That's a good question. That was way better than Sean's. What it was was...

Sean tried to get in another one before you. He did what I used to do, which is give you a multiple choice for an answer, which ends up elongating things. Jason also likes to answer his own question buried in the question at the midway point. We're not journalists. We're nowhere close to it. Listen, I'm doing a podcast. I don't know what the fuck is happening. Dana talks and I just wait and then I say a joke and everyone looks like, why are you talking? I'm like, I'm not. I'm just going to watch.

I love that you guys are doing that together, by the way. I love that you guys are two super hilarious dudes. And it sort of, when I saw that you guys were doing that, I was psyched. Well, everyone goes, Smilers is the greatest show on earth. I know. Do a lot of people sound like that? Well, we didn't videotape it. And I said, I think we should videotape it because my fans are between six and nine years old. And they like things on TV. They like pictures. They like YouTube. And so, yeah. And so,

They like Legos in Hotel Transylvania. So everyone just said, no, we don't. And I go, I only know stuff from my stupid Instagram. I don't even know about podcasts. Oh, that person I follow has one. Oh, there's a clip from it. So I go, how do I tell people I'm on it? They're like, well, that's up to you. I'm like, what? So, well, that's where you come in. I go, I don't know what you mean. Where do I come in? I can't even show it. So they said, small, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I go, oh, Jesus.

Hey, David, when you used to do, how deep into doing SNL, you being on SNL, did you start doing that? Was it called Hollywood Minute? Yes. Oh, God, it gave me so much anxiety. I know me too. Wait, what is anxiety? No, it gave me so much, because I was definitely on the outskirts of showbiz. Oh, you didn't get that at all.

Oh, yeah, in the prime Target land. I would watch that just like someone watches a horror film through fingers. Tell Tracy what it is. So for Tracy out there, Hollywood Minute was this hilarious segment of Weekend Update where David would come on like a Hollywood reporter does on a local news station, and he kind of runs down the status of the business and the status of people's careers, et cetera, et cetera.

Sean, it was so fucking, do you remember? Oh no, I totally remember. You do remember now. But it was always, it was always the scathing, truthful underbelly of what the true climate was. It was a baseball bat to the knees of people. Like if any movie didn't open, he would put a shade shine a light on. If somebody's career was plummeting, he'd,

barely amplify it yeah it was just did anybody ever get mad at you did you ever get any like well it was always a little dicey because you know I'm doing it and then I'm doing it a lot I'm fucking horny for it and then we'd be in the writers room and Jim Downey would go you would never do that

And we'd throw out jokes, and I'd go, what about this? And he's like, oh, you're too much of a pussy. And I'm like, think I am? You know, he's my head writer. He's my boss bullying me to do it. And because Downey was like, we all love Downey. He's the best writer. And so, and he wanted these jokes. You know, everyone wants the jokes. They just don't want to do them. Right. And I was the conduit to get them out there. And so people would come to me and go, what if you said...

And so I start getting, you know, some didn't always do well, but they were more memorable because people were like, oh, this is back when it was People Magazine and that was it. So all celebrities were just,

cater to. And so no one was saying anything negative. And so I'm like, Hey, have you seen this fuck face? And then everyone's like, wait, what? I'm like, God damn, that movie sucked. And they're like, so it was probably like 12 jokes in a row. And then I go later and just get out and run and hide. Did you ever joke about somebody that had just been a host or somebody that came on a few weeks later that was a host? I think I did Stone Temple Pilots.

And I go, I just heard their album. I liked them the first time I heard them. What did they record? Pearl Jam. And then they came on the show about a month later and they said, Marcy Klein goes, still a couple of pilots are out there and their lead singer wants to kick your fucking ass. And I go, are you joking? She goes, not really, no. But we won't let him up here. And I go, well, don't tell him I'm up here. He doesn't know the fucking building. I didn't tell him he was on 17. I go,

Well, I am on 17. Don't throw numbers out. And so she goes, so she had to calm him down. And then I wound up being good friends with that guy who was a great guy, Scott. But that was just a throwaway joke, but I don't get how it like hits him to the bone because he's probably, it was one of the first times someone said something like that, you know, to him, which is kind of, jokes now seem like old jokes, but then they were sort of newer jokes.

I remember one of the rough ones was downtown Julie Brown. Because she left MTV and she was doing something stupid. And I go, wubba, wubba, wubba, my career's in trouble, trouble, trouble. And then next joke. And people are like, God damn, dude. Oh, here's the bodyguard. I saw the bodyguard. It was the weekend it opened. I saw the bodyguard this weekend. And, huh?

I want my money back. But I had a really good high pitch –

And then, and even though it was a good movie, that was the worst part. I just go, oh, the joke sounds kind of funny. Yeah. And not everyone saw it yet. They don't know. That's the point of it was, they were just jokes. Like, if anybody, you know, if one of those guys threatened you at valet, you're like, dude, I was just, I don't know you. I'm just making a fucking joke in the moment. Yeah, I talked to Chris Rock about it because Chris Rock still does, like, when he's doing his act in a movie,

He's like, J-Lo, she got here and then her ass came two hours late. But he's doing it right to them at an award show. And I go, oh, I couldn't do that. That's too rough. That's too hard. SNL carried and still does carry so much validation power that by you in that moment, in that bit,

being the voice of SNL, there was, you were, you were either making or breaking some careers to a certain extent. And it was, it was, it was, you could not, not watch. Yeah. SNL does still, you know, people, it's good that it's hanging in there because it has its ups and downs, but there's always something funny. And I wish we had,

a sketch on Monday you could see online. You know, there's no online. So you miss it. You miss it for six months until there's a rerun. You know what's funny, David? You get this a lot, and I just sort of peripherally have seen it over the years. You know, when Amy was on the thing where people go like, I don't like SNL anymore. I liked it back when... And that's like the most common thing you hear from people. And I got to see it, and I just call such bullshit on it. Because...

You know, the very nature of a sketch show is it's never going to be 100% perfect. You know, if you get one or two good sketches a show, that's a great show. That's any show, really. That's every show. And that's the only part that you remember. So all these seasons are much better in the rearview mirror because you're only thinking about the good stuff. So, yes, people go, I remember the good days when it was this. And it's like, no, you fucking don't. You fucking liar. And they told us we sucked.

Right, of course. When we were loaded up with everybody. And you guys were loaded and it was amazing. The other thing, David, I've often thought of this. You came up with an entire sort of joke format, which was used and taken and stolen from you for years, which was the, you know, 1999 called and they want their pants back. Right. Yeah. That is great. That is like an iconic joke format that you created. I think that was in Hollywood Minute. We did different versions of it.

It started with... It's funny. Oh, yeah. Well, there was one thing when I... Before I did Hollywood Minute, I did it, and thank you for saying that. Um...

Because that joke has been bent and beat around for years, but I love being a part of it. When I was on Dennis Miller's old talk show, he was my favorite comedian, and so he had a talk show. But toward the end, it was going off the air, so people wouldn't go on. I didn't understand that people started scattering. It wasn't any sign of trouble. But it was his last month, but they knew it was canceled, so no one would come on.

So I came on, I think, three times in two weeks. Because he had helped me so much get on SNL. I was like, sure. He's like, Spudly. I said, sure. But the last time I came on in shorts. So disrespectful. But I was like, yeah, I got to go to the Beverly Center. I'll be there. And so I go over there and he goes, shorts, Spud? On a talk show? And I go, it's called Summer, dude. Look into it. And...

And then when I did Hollywood Minute, I go, oh, I should do more shit like that. That's funny. So it was like, it's called fashion. Look into it. So it was stuff like that. And then in 1997, called him Hunter Herberg. All that stuff. So that was a point of time, but...

Even jokes from movies like Tommy Boy and stuff where you look back. One of my favorite movies of all time. I think some of them hold up and some, you know, old movies, some movies, some jokes hold up, some don't. But some are original from that movie, like not just Tommy Boy. There's a lot of movies where you see it and you go, oh, that's kind of a corny bit. And you go, oh, no, that's where it started. Yeah. When there's anything wrong with my face, it's not so much here.

It's really, you see any red mark here. Yeah. We kept sending him back to makeup going, it's gotta be redder. It's gotta be so clear. Yeah. David, who are you hanging out with today other than Carvey a lot that just makes you fucking bust a gut? Oh, comics that I hang out with are...

Kyle Dunnigan I saw last night, who does a lot of impressions and weird stuff on his Instagram. It's still different. He's not just a straight stand-up. Theo Vaughn, Tim Dillon. There's guys I just see here. Are you getting up on stage lately? I do. I did a special. I did a special...

Two weeks ago, this airs in 2023, but I did a special two years ago in 2022 that it comes on. I don't know when I'm going to go edit it Sunday, but I did it. And it was hard because I was practicing and I haven't done one for a long time. Last was on Comedy Central, which not no one saw, but it's just harder to see. It's I want it on Netflix. And so. Yeah.

Actually, I ran into Brad Pitt. You guys all know Brad Pitt. Yeah, duh. And I never see him, but I saw him somewhere. And he goes, I'm seeing all these specials and he's rattling off all these comedians. And I'm like, I have to do one just so Brad will see it.

That was really the impetus. He goes, you don't have one. Like, I'm not in the business. I go, oh, God. I've been turning down a lot of stuff lately. You go home, you brush your teeth, and you're like, Brad Pitt thinks I'm not in showbiz anymore. He didn't say it out loud, but he was thinking. He's like, eyes darting around. They're like, who's this fucking clown? We'll be right back. And by the way, let me just take this for all the young folks out there. Throw away your smokes, eh?

Because they're not good for yous. Okay? So if you got any in your pocket and I seen yous, I know where they is. Right? Okay? Crush your smokes. All right. Back to the show.

David, your talk show Lights Out, I just thought it was one of the greatest things that ever happened. I watched it all the time and then I was on it with you. You did a funny bit on it. God, it was so funny. What happened? Because I thought this is working great. Surreal, raw nerve. No, because I don't understand. Now the tears come. There they are. It was one of the greatest late night things. Obviously one of the best shows of all time, but that's your words.

No, it was a fun show to do. It was fucking hard to do. I don't know. I mean, I'm such a colossal pussy. I probably would have... You just seemed so perfect for that outlet. Thank you. It was a fun show. It was just four nights a week is hard, but...

Yeah, I always assume talk show hosts have the easiest job in the world, but I keep hearing it is one of the hardest jobs in the world. Yeah, they try to make it easy. Like when I hosted Kimmel, they go, you know, that's great. You're coming in the morning. Jimmy comes in seven minutes before the show. Why am I here at 6 a.m.? But because I don't know how to do it. You know, they're trying to teach me, you know, how to stand and what to say. But I said, I'm sure he's got it so fucking wired.

that they have to because it's hard and it's hard to the hardest part like even like on a talk show like a Kimmel is the talking to the guest part like this to me is easier in a way plus you guys have some help like I have me and Dana and it's it's still kind of hard but it's more bullshitty but on a talk show it's like that 11 minutes or whatever and you

ask questions and you got to keep it entertaining and balls in the air and you don't know much about the person and uh you have to tee up the promotion of whatever they're selling yeah and you got to work this and that you don't know they're talking backstage they don't want to get to your clip but you think they are like when you're a guest you're like are we we're out of time i think i brought a uh and they're like all right next time with david spitt i'm like uh what the fuck is

So you know how it is. So the lights out thing was we went into Corona, COVID. Yeah. You know, because we're in the third year of our two week lockdown right now. And they said two weeks. And then after that, they go, can you just if we send you a mic, can you do it from home on Zoom? Which a lot of people tried. It was hard to do, but we did it for a while. And then Comedy Central said a new boss came in and said, we're going to get rid of Tosh and lights out and we're going to go more animation and stuff. So they did a clean sweep and everything.

started over and I was like, so do you want to do something like that again, that kind of routine, or do you prefer, uh, features or doing another TV show or maybe just podcasts and touring and stuff like that? Yeah. Well, podcast is new and it will, and it's, it's, it's not, it's kind of fun. It's kind of interesting because everyone is SNL related. It's about sort of has a slant. So,

Some are just old friends and some are people I just know who they are. And it's fun to ask them stuff about the show because at least I have some knowledge of it. But yeah,

I like stand-up. Do you enjoy the touring part, like city to city? Yeah, I mean, I don't bust my ass, but I do like to get out. It's kind of fun to go to a city and see how much you sell or what, you know, you do at a theater. And they go, oh, they want to add a night or something. You go, oh, I've never even been there. Like, that's fun to go and see who's listening and who's watching and who knows you from what after all this time.

Now, are you the type of guy that does a show and then goes out afterwards and gets after it and sleeps till three o'clock in the afternoon or? No, that stopped early. That that stuff, which is a comics life when I did like the Dallas Improv and I was starting out and I was a middle on the road, which which means you're not the headliner, but you do like 25 minutes.

It was such a weird thing to not have any rules. You know, you just go out and you go, I'm a fucking middle for life. Yeah, I got hired in SNL. I was still a middle. And then you go out and headline. You go, I don't even know. I don't have 45 minutes. I don't have an hour, but.

So I go out in the middle and then you just have to be somewhere. Is the top the best or the bottom the best? Who headlines a top or a bottom? Sean. If you're the middle. Yeah, Sean. Sean? Yeah, Sean. I don't understand this question. No, in stand-up world, if you're the headliner, does that make you the top or the bottom? That's the best thing you can be. The bottom?

What does the bottom mean? Well, I don't know. If you say you're the middle, that's kind of in the middle. Oh, you're the top. So the headliner would be the top. Got it. There's opener, middle, headliner. And they just say middle because you're between the opener and the headliner. Understood. So you actually call and say, hey, what do you do? You go, I'm a middle. I'm trying to play your club. And they go, okay, send me a VHS of your act shot on a camcorder somewhere. And then they go, all right. And so I go to these clubs. I got up to making $1,000 a week.

Sometimes when I did Vegas, it was only 500 a week, but it was 21 shows. And I thought I was King Cock. I was happy with it. Now you were going out after that, right? Would you go play? Those I would. And then my friends would come on the road and they go, oh, we got it. So you'd go to a club. And what I was getting at is you get a free Hawaiian chicken dinner, which is like chicken with a pineapple on top, a pineapple ring. And I'd eat that. I'd fucking whoop it. Sean's eyebrows are high right now.

He's like, were there shrimp in it? Could I sub out the... Could I sub out... Do you have ahi? Would you ever do... Because you've been on two of the biggest sitcoms, Just Shoot Me and Rules of Engagement, that both lasted years and years. Why, do a sitcom again? I mean...

Did you like that? Yeah, I'm not really going after it too hard. I'm just sort of started the podcast doing stand-up and then had to get ready for my special, which I had to do a little extra stand-up to rub out the rough edges. Finished it, trying to make it. I didn't want it to be an hour because I think some people don't last that long watching them. But now it's at an hour 11. I got to still cut it down and I'm like,

Ah, fuck. I don't know what to cut anymore. I like it. It's so gross. I like my own jokes. It's sickening. No, but that's great. If things are working, that's awesome. Right. And then someone goes, Chris Rock, watch. He goes, I feel a special should be 55. And I go, yeah, me too. Your last one was an hour 31. He goes, I know.

Are you saying you're better than me? We all know he is, but I make him say it. Speaking of Rock, so you guys have, obviously, you and Rock and Sandler and Schneider, you guys have all worked together now for like 30 years, keep doing movies together and blah, blah. Is this something that like, I don't know, every three years you guys kind of call each other up and go like, hey, let's go do something? Or is Sandler kind of the ringleader and goes like, hey, guys. Usually it starts with Adam if he has something, but...

We all just try to do our own stuff. And then if, you know, The Grown Ups is the one that would be fun to do again. I don't think we can unless we do something like that at Netflix. Because he's moved over there and that was a Sony movie. Yeah, but people would kill to see all you guys together again. But it would be fun to do it because, you know, listen, we're keeping the lights on at TBS lately because it's on like six times a day and then it's Grown Ups 2 and then it's Bench Warmers. And it's like...

You know, it's just on heavy rotation. People are like, it's Clockwork Orange. They're like, you will see Grown Ups soon. Just stay on this channel. And now is that – are the stories accurate as far as how great and cozy and comfy and cush those shoots are where all these buddies hanging out in some great location with light days? But you know –

Listen, Ozark doesn't look like an easy shoot. I watch movies that are fucking hard. We're all playing grab ass. It's a hard... Everything looks hard when I watch it. I look for night shoots in movies. I go, fuck that. Oh, fuck that. But Grown Ups is mostly daytime. Right. Which is already a start for people that don't know. You're like, okay, that's good. And then...

It is, it's still getting up at five. But he shapes these things so that it is appealing to him, you, the rest of your friends, as far as location goes. It's families. It's an ensemble, so the workload is kind of spread out and all families get to come, correct? Yeah.

He was on the grownups was where he was really family centric going. We have to cut these jokes. One was we had gone to strip club one night. He's like, absolutely not. We have to do this. And one was this. We was just shaving it down to go. You're sitting with your daughter who's nine. Right. That's where I want to come. So what can they see where you don't go? Oh, shit.

I said, okay. So every joke was kind of like, let's keep it funny, but let's do different versions because we're going to nail the one that's good. And when everyone's pretty funny, you huddle up after a take and say, what if you said this? And then I go, Adam, what if you said this? And he goes, you know what? Give that to Rock. And then Rock goes, all right, I'll say that. And then blah, blah. And someone will pitch something and they'll go...

Kevin James would go, "I'll say that." "Okay, perfect. Go again." Like huddle. And then we'd go back to it. - That's great. - And then we'd come in and go, "What about this?" And Adam would always pepper the jokes around. So you could have cut that movie right, every joke in the movie. 'Cause every scene, you have one. You have something and he has to give it like, but he gives himself almost the least. He's the main character. He's like the Seinfeld. And he's like, "You do this, you go off and do that. You say that joke." Gives himself some fun, but isn't selfish.

and then it's still a 5 a.m shoot it's still a shoot you know adam has to sit there and wrangle us when we're all me and samahayak and rock are talking over here and schneider's over there and he's like guys guys fucking and then you only have two lines so you get to your line and he goes spade oh shit oh is that me so he's writing for his writing producing directing and first ading right he's such a generous guy right he's incredible and he's good with it and then those

wind up being a lot of fun and sure it's work but in the in the work world it's the best way because at least at night you can go eat with someone or at least on the set you can go bullshit with someone because a lot of things you do like i did father of the year after that oh a couple people remember thank you yeah and um it was adam's uh nephew was directing who was new at it and uh he wound up directing uh wrong missy but that was his first thing

And Adam goes, do you want to do this? And I think it's pretty funny. I think you'd be good in it. And I read it and it was like low budget. Like I said, yeah, I read it. I thought it was funny. And but it was in the cold. It was not grownups. It was freezing. It was raining every single day. And I didn't know anybody. And so it was a whole different ballgame of like, oh, it's back to work.

And you guys have done stuff where it's just work and you go and you go, I just got to do it. And then the only joy really is you're doing takes where you think maybe you nailed something funny or maybe, and it started to come together as I shot it. I go, this is pretty funny for me. And so when it ended, you don't know, it's just, you're shooting out a sequence. You don't know if it's any good. And they cut it together. When I saw it, I said,

Oh, good. I like this one. Do you, like, from the outside, from such a big fan, and you know, we email them, we're friends and whatever, but I look at you and I go, SNL, two massive sitcoms, movies, touring with your stand-up, like, the success is just really huge. And is there anything left for...

that you, or anything that you haven't really conquered yet, that in this world that you're like, yeah, if I could just blank, you know, get blank or whatever. Or is it just like gravy? Maybe one more Razzie. One more Razzie. What's the record on that? Is that what you're chasing? Well, Razzie's...

The really one that got me was... Do they even still do those? I mean, it's so fucking stupid that they do it and it gets all this attention and they just make up things now. The best one, which was really... Really quick, David. For Tracy Arazi is an award for the worst performance or the worst movie or whatever. Who's Tracy? My sister in Wisconsin. Who doesn't know Shop Talk, so we gotta break it down. Oh, Tracy. Wait, what about the Razzie? Oh, the Razzie is... I was in Jack and Jill and I was up for worst actress. Ha ha!

And Sandler was up for worst actor and actress. That's pretty funny. And I was like, okay, Razzies, you got one funny one in there. Good job.

David, give us an update, a status, all the ups, all the downs about the personal life. I want it all. I want pets, mates. Oh, really? Just a quick Wikipedia? How's personal life? Exciting? Boring? What's up with it? We got dumped. We know that. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, right. Jason goes, oh, really? That was toward the beginning when you weren't really...

Yeah. My, my, uh, my Ram is filled. Uh, I, uh, I'm, I moved, I live near sunset Plaza now. And then that was in the paper, which is a new thing. Truly like our real estate guy moved. Here's his house. Here's how much it costs. Here's the realtor.

here's photos of it and here's why you can't afford it i just went through the same thing in august and uh i saw your house that's right yeah yeah there you go i saw it and something and i was like look at this fucker and then you know what i did is i would i would judge people by their no not not on purpose but i would just think this is dicaprio's pita tear or whatever that means and he uh

First of all, I go, it's two million? That's all he's got. That's the first thing I think of. And then I go, oh, he's got that lamp in his kitchen? Jesus. But then when I sold my house, they go, the most embarrassing thing is they go, well, this place is obviously a teardown. I go, oh, what? My beautiful fucking mansion? And they're like, well...

I go, I have a tennis court. They go, yeah, we'll bring two tennis crickets and some dynamite because we got to just take it down to the fucking nails. And I go, you're joking. I go, I live... They go, you don't live here, do you? I go, well, no, no, no. I don't live here. I mean, I stay here. But I was so embarrassed they were shitting on it. And then they go... I go, all right. So I had these five realtors and four were like, it's probably a tear down. I go, so that makes me sick. And then the fifth one goes, well...

okay, if you just leave it like this, you're going to stage it. I go, I'm going to what? And they go, stage it? And I go, what does that mean? They go, put furniture in here? I go, I have furniture in here. And they're like, well, not this Z Gallery bullshit. Like we got to come in here and like clean the corners and get some like light in here and some life. And I'm like, what the fuck? This place is, it's unreal. And they go, and then my realtor's nodding his head going, hey man, I wanted to break it to you. So literally all my dreams just crashed.

I have to stage it. So the point is I see these things on these photos and I go, they didn't even, that's not even where their house is. Like mine looks so different now. I don't even know what it is. Like that's my house. Okay. My house would be so embarrassing if I didn't have the, the, the taste of the other half of my life going in, fixing all the crappy taste I have. Yeah.

Jason, your house used to belong to, you guys bought it from the estate, it used to belong to... Ernest Borgnine. Ernest Borgnine, yeah. Who, by the way, who famously, somebody said, how do you stay alive, you know, live so long? And he famously said, by jerking off every day. So do you ever have that thought of him jerking off all around the house? Is that true? That's a true quote.

Holy shit. Hang on a second. Look it up. Look it up. That's going to haunt you. Every room that you go, when you're sitting with your family, you guys are having a nice meal. Where was that? Imagine him standing against the wall, leaning against the wall with one hand and the other one, he's just rubbing one out. He's thinking, I'm going to live so long. Black leather. I'm going to live so long.

fucking long. Where was that little chestnut when I was thinking about buying the place? And the word on the street is he's a real squirter. Is he? He's got legs. So I'm living in a goo shack? It's just goo everywhere? Goo shack, baby, goo shack. Oh, yeah. David Spade. Oh, and then I'll tell you this, then you can wrap up. I know Sean's... I gotta go. I gotta go too. Don't worry about that. So...

So then someone offers me when I go to sell. It did sell, this teardown. It did sell, thank God. But they go, they offer me half money and half bitcoins. I go, what the fuck? I've heard that, yeah. I know, I go...

I'm either stupid or dumb, but I go, then they go, we can get you a condo in the metaverse. I go, huh? What? On a good street? I don't even know what I'm talking about. What? And I go, I'm going to wind up in some shitty apartment in a Ruby Tuesday's website. I know what's going on here. I'll be way, way away from anything cool. And they go, nah. So I didn't sell it for that. I go, I'm just looking for money right now at this junk shop. Yeah.

I don't need a file. And they're like, oh, then we're out. Oh, my God. Then we're out. I don't need an NFB. Is that what it's called? An NFB or something like that? Yeah, NFT. You want an NFT of my house? Then I keep the house, but you have a picture of it. Jesus. That's a million.

Oh, good God. David Spade, I wish we could go on and on. You have to go. I have to go. We have to go. But it's been such a pleasure. Thanks for making us laugh. That felt like five minutes. Spade, you're so fucking hilarious all the time. Yes, you are. One of the funniest alive. Consistently fucking...

Every time, just hilarious. It's good to have a bullshit session with you guys because it's always a quick, brief talk. Come over to Jen's a little bit more often. Be a bigger part of our lives. Come over to the clubhouse. Jen's for Tracy is a restaurant we go to.

She always has good food in there. All right. Tracy. Tracy, I was in – how would she know me? She knows exactly who you are. She's a big fan. She's a big fan. Thanks, guys, and I will talk to you soon. I appreciate it. Thanks, David. All right, buddy. See you soon, man. All right. Have a great day. Bye. Bye-bye.

He is such a unique comedian. Nobody really does what he does. I think it's hard to carve out a unique space in comedy, and he has had that and held that forever.

from the very beginning. Yeah. Quick, dry wit. Really quick, dry. And like I said, like it really made me double over when he just zero kind of... We weren't even talking and the guy's doing this bit and he literally, in the driest possible way, just over his shoulder goes, he makes you look like a good actor. And it just fucking, out of nowhere, we weren't even... And it just killed me. And I'm like...

God, that's so funny, so quick, so dry. It was him being a waiter and the guy going, what are you doing? I'm crushing. About the shark, the shitty joke about the shark. I don't eat them, they don't eat me. So fucking funny. So funny. Consistently.

Always off the cuff. You know, he, yeah, and he's been in the business for so long. It's not like you forget about it because he's always there, but you forget, like anything, his brilliance, and you need to be reminded that these people are out there. So, I don't know, he's one of the greatest. Yeah, I'd like to see him back on something super high profile, you know, whether it's like another TV show or...

series of movies or like, I mean, the podcast is great and everything, but I want to see him. Yeah, I want to see him a lot more. That's why I thought that talk show was going to be his thing and work. But, you know, he mentioned the location of his new home, you know, the section of L.A. that it's in. And I don't live too far from there. In fact, I live really near. No one's ever trying quicker to get to the by the johns.

Have a good rehearsal today, Sean. Bye, everybody. Bye, bud. SmartLess. SmartLess. SmartLess is 100% organic and artisanally handcrafted by Bennett Barbico, Michael Grant Terry, and Rob Armjarff. SmartLess.

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